April 21, 2019: Prosperos Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. 14 people attended online. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph and rude new girl at C.B. Walter L. there for a while. Nice day. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Beautiful guy walking with his girl friend. He smiles at me and I embrace his smile. (*Relates to emergency shits hier at Safeway at about the same time?) Get home around 6 p.m. Anonymous call at 6:15 p.m. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Violations of rule of law threaten intellectual property and value of the individual. My conclusion: Truth is the only arbiter of the rule of law, inviolate, untouchable, urgent, inducing intellectual property of inestimable worth.
April 21 dream: In Santa Cruz, men who and place which I’d visited before. With girl I liked. Had to take a pee. Little girl wouldn’t (couldn’t?) leave the bathroom. Tom Ammiano encouraging me about something.
April 21 dream: Bottle kind of overflows. I drink its contents. Think about sharing it with woman nearby. Don’t.
April 20, 2019: In ’til 3ish. Realize pimple on my nose probably relates to my RHS of father. As does my back/side pain. Henry in backroom of library. Cold windy day. Walk to G.P. Fashion designer barista there. She brought my drink to me at my table. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Decide not to attend family Easter dinner tomorrow. At Tower Market, see magazine on the ground. Turn it over with my foot. It was “Money” magazine. I take that as a sign that my decision re Easter dinner was “on the money.” Reminded me of when I first moved to San Francisco in April of ’78 and I went into the laundry room of my new apartment and heard the word “Money.” Walk to Mt.D. Feel more and more “shitty.” Emergency shits at Safeway. Strange woman worker there stands right outside the bathroom the whole time I was in there. See Steven briefly from the rear. Check out with a very harried Myka, trying to get off work early to attend his parents’ wedding anniversary. Just missed #43 bus. Next one in 58 minutes. So I schlepped home with my grocery bags. Journal idea: How would I react if my father did to my [hypothetical] son what he did to me? In p.m., at first so scared about what I would tell Laurie about why I didn’t come to Easter dinner. Later realized that she probably wasn’t going call. That made me a little mad.
April 20 dream: Run by woman who likes me for 2nd time in some sort of personalized trial run.
April 20 dream: Woman leading conference asks everyone to yell: Reborn! I do. No one else does.
April 20 dream: Take boat ride to L.A. with one of Tom’s friends. A very beautiful Leigh B. turns up. She’s reading a classic book. Then another spookier woman. I tell her: “There is nothing bad.” She likes that. We are now off the coast of New Orleans.
April 20 dream: There’s a possibility I could be appointed DA of S.F. And somebody else mayor. I’m looking for a newspaper to find out. I’m wearing my drum major hat. On the back of my uniform it says “Women.”
April 19, 2019: In ’til 2 p.m. dental appointment. Then walk to Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Cute black guy at the back of the bus. I sit near him. Ask him about his flowers (*Relates to emergency shits from April 17 at about the same time?) Go to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk to Mt.D. Get single ring phone call on Mt.D. Cute worker at W.F. Then meet cute bespectacled guy and his dog Teddy at elevator on way up to my apartment. Very friendly dog.
April 19 dream: The day is saved by someone using a quote from an earlier part of the dream.
April 18, 2019: Mind-Body discussion group at 2:30 p.m. Due to technical difficulties, ended up being a one-on-one conversation with me and Dr. Stracks. I told him I suspected that I was sexually molested by my father though I had no specific memory of that. I do remember sitting on my father’s bed alone as far as I could see and another memory of how I felt when my father told us he was going to remarry. I went into the den and practically collapsed on the floor saying to myself: “Thank God. Now I can go back to being a normal boy.” And Dr. Stracks said: “Well, we know something bad happened.” After, I walked up to Mt.D. Two women stopped in their car as I was walking up. They opened their window and said: “Keep it up. Amazing.” I say: “I do what I can.” (*This may relate to emergency shits of hier at about the same time. Also I think they were commenting about how I was doing with my inner work on my father.) Take off my shirts on top of Mt.D. so I can wear only one shirt. Asian guy looked like he thought I was coming on to him. Walk to W.F. Then home.
April 18 dream: Morris-Dees. Small screw on my watch. I’m trying to see what the writing says. At end, with fun, young boss. We were laughing about something.
April 18 dream: Fooling around with some Russians (or at least that’s what we called them) in a swimming pool area.
April 18 dream: Al H., Daniel B. and others helping me move stuff out of my old place.
April 17, 2019: Go to 101. Beautiful butterfly visits us. Busy day. David at Super Duper. Then two or so hours at Rincon. K to the Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Beautiful guy on #35 in backseat smiles as I sit near him. Later I talked to him briefly. I just wanted to get a sense of him, which I did. Stop by C.B. Emergency shits there. Also Zeph. #36 and #43 home. Jerk off. Memory: Nancy leaving me a message that Dad had a (subsequently) fatal stroke back in 1996. Back pain started right after my father died in 1996.
April 17 dream: See Merv Griffin at ceremonial site(?) They were digging up dirt. He stopped to answer his cellphone. I had to wait behind him. Insight:
April 17 dream: Big boom in distance. Birds fly over me. Some so close I can feel their feathers. I shoo them away: “Get the fuck out of here.” (Later dream about telling a group of people about this dream.)
April 17 dream: Getting ready to give some big speech to people that love and know me.
April 16, 2019: Mind-Body class from 3:30-5:00 p.m. Getting a little tired of this class. Walk to Mt.D. afterwards. Stop by Safeway. See Steven briefly. Then cute guy in aisle 1 (*Perhaps he corresponds to the emergency shits from April 14 rather than the young Asian boy from hier?) Two-ring call at 8:30 p.m.
April 16 dream: Getting ready at work for big shipment out tomorrow. Elevator problems.
April 15, 2019: 11:30 a.m. one ring call. In ’til 3ish. Drizzly day. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Kind of rainy. Walk up G.C.P anyway. More RHSing of my mother and father and me and my desire to be a “normal” boy even though I knew I wasn’t. Came up with the word “ordinary,” which basically means orderly , everything in its appropriate place (including me). Walking onto #43 bus for last few blocks home. Young Asian boy looks at me like he knows me with such love and knowing. It was unnerving and profound. (*Relates to emergency shits from hier and also the barking dog from Mt.D.?) Then guy after guys gets off at three successive bus stops, each of whom I was attracted to in different ways. See Isaiah at W.F. He’s a student at Skyline College studying psychology. Hanz called about 7 p.m. 8:15 p.m. anonymous call.
April 15 dream: Guy arranging how four of us guys would be sleeping in the same bed. I started bleeding from my shoulder where I had taken out a small metal rod, so we had to hold up for a moment.
April 15 dream: Invitation to Tom C’s girlfriend, looking over industrial place where we work.
April 15 dream: Made date with cute, friendly well-built guy. All my friends in the retirement home were talking about him.. Saw him a day early. Wondered what I would do if J. showed up as well. Took street car. Saw Bob M. with slicked down hair. Not sure where in downtown S.F. I was.
April 14, 2019: In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Then Walter L. He and I got to talking about words like dork, wanker, sucks, etc. Left C.B. laughing. Walk thru G.C.P. Distant hawk? Then Mt.D. Very nasty dog threatens me and French family behind me. Emergency shits coming on. I make it to Safeway restroom about 6 p.m. Anonymous call after getting home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Origin and mechanism of painful symptoms may be obscure or protectively hidden. My conclusion: Truth is unprotected invulnerability, all that is happy in being all that is, whose symptoms can only be indicators of wholeness, oneness, and nonredundancy arisen. Send in High Watch Translation Service request: “The Prosperos may have Parkinson’s disease.
April 14 dream: Time is running out before the show starts and characters need to make the required changes to be ready to perform.
April 14 dream: Officials deny all culpability. I want to stay behind and plan response and am trusted and allowed.
April 14 dream: I’m reading an old school paper article I wrote about Ronald Reagan. Guy on our ledge. He pokes spike into one of our very small windows. They are back on the street now. I try to get a license number. One of them has a gun.
April 14 dream: Walking the streets home. I realized they did not seem familiar. Meet up with two cute little brown boys. Go into resto thru side door. They are serving steaks to a traditional clientele.
April 13, 2019: Anonymous call around 11:45 a.m. In ’til 3 pm-ish. Henry at library. Walk to G.P. Aging hippie takes photo of me on San Jose Avenue as he rides by on his bike. Jordan at C.B. Also well-built friendly blackish guy who sat next to me. I felt more and more drawn to him so I turned off my cell phone and took the ear plugs out of my ears and waited for an opportunity to speak with him. Then he got up and left. I was too late. Clue for crossword puzzle I was working on at the time: “Missed an easy one.” Answer: BLEWIT. (*Relates to snake and bees dream of April 11, probably.) Walk thru G.C.P. See guy in shiny tights walking away from me. I follow him. He sits down at edge of cliff. I talk to him. He’s a fencing teacher walking back from SOTA to his place near Goat Hill. His name is Raphael. I wish him well. He says: “Maybe we’ll run into each other again.” Later at Portola and O’Shaughnessy, aging hippie photographer from San Jose Avenue rides by again and takes what he says is his last photo. His appearing twice in my journey means I’ve come full circle in some way. Walk to Mt.D. and then to Safeway. Talk for a few minutes with Steven. He is such a sweet boy after you break through his hard outer shell. Later check out with Myka. We talk about climate change. When I get home, I eat ¼ of a pumpkin pie. My side pain emerges. Probably not an accident that I indulged in sweets which I knew my body would reject after, in effect, rejecting guy at C.B.
April 13 dream: Walking thru somebody’s nice yard and garden with many others.
April 12, 2019: In ’til 1:30 or so. Go to Rincon. No Charles at Starbucks. Ed at Super Duper. He wasn’t wearing his SF Giants T-shirt. Two hours or so at Rincon. Take M to Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Gay guy on #35 gives me the eye. Zeph at C.B. I had to tell him the toilet was blocked up. I say: “It wasn’t me!” BART to Balboa Station. Bicyclist on BART. Cute African-American waiting for #29 on Ocean. I get off at next stop to wait 20 minutes for him. When I saw him again, he pretended not to recognize me. See Isaiah at W.F.
April 12 dream: Reading thru final scene of Ibsen’s “Hedda Gabler,” the play I did in college.
April 12 dream: Telling a support group that the most important thing I learned was how unexceptional I am. Leader of group wasn’t listening.
April 12 insight: Me looking for father figure who wouldn’t have sex with me.
April 11, 2019: Call to owner of home on Teresita at about 11:30 a.m. (*Relates to emergency shits hier at 11:30 a.m. and hawk and crow from April 7?) So excited I got thru my emails, update to the BB the OSF site and Zontaphotos with only one drop off by AT&T. I thought my AT&T problem had been fixed. But no. Realized I would have to stay home for another day waiting for AT&T technician to arrive. Finally he did around 5 p.m. I was, of course, furious. But he was very decent. Very nice. And he apparently found the problem and fixed it. When I took him to the computer room in the basement, I had a deja vu. I realized I had made him into a father figure and found myself automatically getting ready to offer myself to him sexually. Until I caught myself. Anonymous calls at about 4:50 and 6:50 p.m. Later, fantasizing about moving to London, getting a fresh start. Leaving all my problems behind. Or a real possibility for a new home?
April 11 dream: Poisonous snake bites ____. Bees swarm around. I try to get away.
April 11 dream: Go down ramp to movie. Bob M. ignores me on the way. I climb on table to get a seat. Guy has slides set up. Film is called “Kissinger.”
April 11 dream: Administrator of school fixes my dark glasses which had been broken.
4/11/19 dream: Couple who are friends transform home into stage for Jackie Gleason show. Cute girl leans forward but doesn’t show anything. Then she turns around and sees us. And is surprised.
4/11/19 dream: Closet piled with unopened boxes (memories?)
April 10, 2019: 9:15 a.m. anonymous call. 101 from 11:30 to 1:30. Emergency shits at 11:30 a.m. at nearby restroom. Skateboarders at Balboa Skatepark get excited on seeing me. See Henry at Ocean and Lee on way home from 101. Online Mind-Body discussion group from 3-4. Connection made between my back pain and family reunion in September of last year and Aunt Joanne moving to S.F. in December. AT&T shows up at 6:15 p.m., but he’s an inside technician, not an outside technician as is needed.
April 10 dream: At Christmas time, lots of decorations. Planning for upcoming event I would not be attending. Tom C. there.
April 9, 2019: 11:45 a.m. anonymous call. Mind-Body class from 3:30-5:00 p.m. At end I chat: “Thank you Jessica.” She chats back: “Thanks Mike.” (*Relates to emergency shits from April 7 and four hawks from April 6?) After, walk to Mt.D. and back. See Frank (Jesse’s brother) on #43 bus. He invites me to John O’Connell High School fundraiser later this month.
April 9 dream: My friend starts icing up if I’m not in constant communication with him. I have to go inside, so he’s icing up.
April 9 dream: Working with Trump on movie about black superhero. He wants me to play the black guy. I say: “Well, it should be me or the black guy sitting across from me.”
April 9 dream: Guest to me: “Leather seems to terrify you.” Me: “It does?” Guy: “It terrifies me. I don’t see the necessity of it.” Earlier looking thru photos of chubby guys who are feeling beautiful.
April 8, 2019: 9 a.m. anonymous call. Fire alarms going off all morning. Noonish anonymous call. Cute fire alarm guy comes in and says: “We’ll be finished by noon.” I say: “I wish I could believe you.” AT&T guys arrives 2-1/2 hours late. He said he would have called but he didn’t have my number!!! In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Police action at Unity Plaza a block away from home. Zeph at C.B. Have chocolate muffin and iced latte. It was a very warm though overcast day. Leave C.B. about 5 p.m. It’s mistier and mistier. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to Del Vale to Mt.D. My experience with AT&T and with the fire alarms this a.m. led me to RHS my father the whole way. See Isaiah at W.F. Journal about my father when I get home. Imagine tearing up my Saratoga room. Later my Saratoga house.
April 8 lucid dream: Someone on my balcony.
April 8 dream: Getting ready to take a series of tests from making a steak sandwich to more academic subjects.
April 8 dream: Three nuns trying to get into storeroom next to me and another person on my 3rd floor apartment. One nun is quite cute.
April 8 dream: Laurie wanted me to go steady with her. I wanted to stay free. She had a shoe with a U.S. Stamp in it.
April 7, 2019: In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. (mostly talking to his female assistant). Also Walter L. Take emergency shits at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk and crow. Then hawk by himself. Insight: We all sign “terms and agreements” with our parents. And never read the fine print (’cause we usually don’t even know how to read yet). Couple on top of Mt.D. Guy smiles at me. Officious worker at W.F. tells me to stop until truck backs in. I say: “And you’re the voice of authority?” He says: “Go ahead.” And I do. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Filter function of the liver may get overburdened by toxicity and result in cirrhosis. My conclusion: Truth, Life unending, always functions at the level of appropriate ability to fulfill its purpose of pristine health and immunity from error.
April 6, 2019: AT&T down again. Anonymous call about noon. In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. Walk to G.P. Guy hitting on fashion designer barista at C.B. I don’t like him ’cause he’s not at all interested in me. Later, when they exchanged phone numbers, I go to the bathroom and think: “No, it’s not just me. He is a creep. He’s just interested in sex. So why is he talking about art?” But maybe she’s just interested is sex, too. Walk thru G.P. Four hawks overhead. Almost trip on way down from Mt.D. Realized trip and fall on March 8 probably related to seeing J. and companion on their bikes on March 31. See Steven on way into Safeway. See Myka briefly on way out. Journaling in the p.m.: AT&T (Ma Bell) is like an abusive parent. You have no choice but to take it. Internal inconsistency about my shaking in Laguna: If they (my parents) find out I don’t need them, then I’ll be all alone.
April 6 dream: Traveling up the border of Israel. Taking most of the insides out.
April 6 dream: Doing a thorough cleansing. Our pants are full as we enter the bathroom.
April 5, 2019: One ring at about noon. In ’til 1ish. Go to Rincon. Cute, short young Asian guy at Ocean and Lee. Guy on K in hoodie. I sit next to him. Gets off at Montgomery Station as did I. Saleslady at newspaper store says: “Big surprise.’ Guy at Super Duper who joked: “Now that we are partners with the Giants, A’s fans will be charged more.” About 2-1/2 hours at Rincon. Tall, well-built guy walks thru. I had no contact with him but he did affect me nonetheless. [My rule: The affect I have on somebody is equal to the affect they have on me.] S to Castro. Cute young (Italian?) guy with his mother and sister. They get off at Civic Center Station. I change trains there, too. Four young women on M who half-smile at me. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Cute, young guy with his fingers in his mouth on #35. Zeph at C.B. Also excitingly cute young Asian man joins his friends after I give him my table. See Frank and Jesse at Railroad Expresso. While journaling in p.m., remember that my mother used to call me “her little prince.” Remembered that our dog was also named Prince. Question: Am I competing with my parents?
April 5 dream: Walking out of mostly rebuilt upper floors with Jean Evans.
April 5 dream: Guy drives into my car. I can’t even finish putting Bernie stickers on my car.
April 5 dream: At military lost packages center. Song about LBJ and Vietnam.
April 5 dream: William Fennie and I run into man named Ron. He drives us to Cheetwallis(?) Alley nearby. We run into Al Haferkamp who laughs when he sees me and William among the unfamiliar faces in the car. He gets something from the back of the car.
April 4, 2019: 2:30 anonymous call. 3:30 Mind-Body discussion group. Only 4 of us. One of the women smiled at me like woman at C.B. hier. Made me feel on the verge of tears. I brought up the apparent connection between food and pain. Dr. Stracks said that was probably due to mental conditioning. I liked that answer. After group, crossing Frida Kahlo Way, I felt so proud and happy, I could barely keep my feet on the ground. Go to Arizmendi for gluten-free bread. Have chocolate muffin and latte at Peets Cole Street in celebration of Dr. Strack’s comment. Very cute sweet young baristo there.
April 4 lucid dream: Boat to arrive at S.F. Transbay Terminal.
April 4 lucid dream: At long banquet table, somebody says: “I think we might be bothering them.”
April 4 insight: As a kid I felt my anger was too strong, not just at school but at home. Therefore I am too powerful.
April 4 dream: I tell my secretary with jagged fingernail that she should take care of that before she hurts somebody.
April 4 dream: My well-dressed male boss hangs himself.
April 4 dream: Take test. I am first to finish. Put paper clip on papers. Take elevator down. Two students already on elevator.
April 4 dream: A black guy tries to bully me at our table. I slapped his face and spit food at him.
April 3, 2019: AT&T was supposed to arrive between 10 am and noon. They finally arrived at 1:20 p.m. And left about 2:30 p.m. The connection outside was faulty. (Moon wobble?) Beautiful guy walking up Plymouth. Tall, friendly black guy smiles at me in front of Ingleside library. Walk to G.P. English couple smile at me in the midst of my 1st step of Translation. Zeph at C.B. Also middle-aged woman smiled at me. It threw me off. Was she coming on to me? Reminded me of time Jane Kennedy smiled at me at 101 Market. I knew she meant well, but it really freaked me out. Relates, I think, to my mother doing the same thing. Smiling at me and expecting me to smile back, whether I felt like it or not. So I did, but iI didn’t like it. And when she died, my egocentricity was let loose and I looked at it as the beginning of my life of fame and importance, no longer the slave to motherly demands and needs. Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Henry at W.F. (See diary of February 25.) He really is beautiful . . . and gay.
April 3 dream: Lots of physical activity. Crissing and crossing. (h.o.)
April 3 dream: Guy screwed me three times. Final time he caught #35 bus and didn’t hold it for me. Girl came up to me thinking I was getting ready to pay for prostitution as I looked thru my change to see if I had enough for the bus.
April 3 dream: Trish Matute was elected mayor San Francisco by six votes. I make big mistake at work. Then have nothing to do. Man and very cute little boy come into store. He says to his father: “You should tell them” or something like that.
April 2, 2019: Call asking for John Pinkerton. She says: “Are you guys planning anything?” I say: “We’re thinking of getting married.” She says: “We can make you a gazebo.” Later anonymous call at 2 pm-ish. Mind-Body class No. 2 at 3:30. Felt really good after class. After, walk to Mt.D. Starts raining on way down. A couple of cute guys on #43 on way home. Plus one on Ocean Avenue. Did good RHS of my father in p.m.
April 2 dream: A couple of guys on our exploratory group have become clear. That is, they no longer have a history.
April 1, 2019: Tough nite last nite. In ’til 3ish. Young Riordan high school student in front of W.F. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Also guy who kind of looked like Charles (from CCSF Comparative Religion class). He left and I took that as my cue to leave as well. Didn’t really have time to catch up with him. But as I was throwing away my paper cup, he came back in looking for something. I said: “Did you leave something behind?” He said: “No, I’m just looking for napkins.” So I offered him the napkin container. Nice smile. Walk thru G.C.P. Then up to Mt.D. Had some side pain from chocolate chip cookie I had. Realize side pain was my father disallowing me from anything I might enjoy. Since I never stood up to him when he was alive, side pain may be giving me the opportunity to stand up to him now. Artificial tear solution at #43 bus stop. See Jared on Ocean Avenue. Catch up with him. We talk for a few minutes. He doesn’t invite me to join him at Mexican resto. I feel bad. (*Relates to shits at G.C.P. hier?) Meet baby (and father) on elevator on way home.
April 1 dream: At party or class. I’m lying on mat underneath a few girls. Someone says I better not look up their dresses. I didn’t really want to. Guy’s thumb is injured.
April 1 dream: Road on the way to G.G. Bridge is suddenly out. We are in yellow school bus.
April 1 dream: Dance of the scissors starts out slow. All women and me. I am in very front row.
April 1 dream: Four in a pod. There were only supposed to be two. Liz Andres pulled all sorts of levers to get us down. Thane said to Liz: “You did that all by yourself.” Then some Middle Eastern family upset about their breakfast order.
March 31, 2019: In ’til 3ish. Walking to G.P, See someone who looked like J. on a bike. He smiled at me. He was followed by girl on a bike who smiled even more. (*Relates to 4 hawks at G.C.P. hier?) Later see woman riding alone. Not sure if it was the same woman. Talk with Walter L. at C.B. After, rush to G.C.P. bathroom to take an emergency shit. Then run into drummer from The Lost Church, on Mt.D. On way down, some hikers ask: “Is this the way up?” I say: “Yes.” They say: “What’s it like up there?” I say: “Calm.” Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Some memories may stay hidden due to the threat of overwhelming emotion when exposed. My conclusion: Truth is the harmonious, appropriate, straight-forward, even-handed application of power. No response at all from anyone in group about my carefully worded email about the Monday Night Group. Also Michigan State makes the Final Four in NCAA tournament.
March 31 dream: Indians give us something. We’re not sure how to respond.
March 31 dream: Supposed to meet Bob M. on first day of gay festival. I climb out window of guy I was “baby sitting” He’s in bed with his girlfriend. Run into Bob in the street. He’s telling me all about his Day 1. Also cute guy in white band leader’s uniform. He holds my hand a little longer than I expected. Wondered if I should stay with him. Then he motioned somebody to do something.
March 31 dream: Well-built guy tied up I the bathtub. I feel him up as I untie him. Then I finger-fuck him and let him go. He’s mad.
March 30, 2019: In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. with a female assistant. Nice day. Walk thru G.C.P. Four hawks overhead. Two guys about to set off a drone on top of Mt.D. Cute guy in shorts I follow up Bella Vista ’til I lose him. Myka at Safeway. Also cute guy in line behind me with friendly smile. Wait for him to exit Safeway. Miss #43 by less than a minute. Wait for 35 minutes for next bus.(*Relates to “You’ll Pay for That” sign from March 29?) Eating a small chocolate bar started up my side pain again.
March 30 dream: Throwing things in the garage which is about to become an extended kitchen.
March 30 dream: Going off to be deflowered. Guy in party hat asks: “How many are in your family?” I say: “There’s four of us. Four kids. I’m one of them.”
March 30 dream: Talking with older woman manager of hotel about Truman Capote play. Patrick Swayze there. Then she and I are in front row of small play. I start collating something and stand in her way. She is insulted and leaves. I say: “I’m sorry.”
March 30 memory: It was my father whom I feared at the International Date Line on our trip to Japan aboard ship.
March 29, 2019: 4 a.m. anonymous call. Two anonymous calls at about 6:30 a.m. Go to 101. Talk with my Salesforce friend from Antioch for about half an hour. We talked about “instant karma.” After 101, looked for #45 Union bus to camera store in the Marina. Got very confused (just like hier on the way to G.P. FromMt.D.) Finally find right bus stop. Platinum blonde woman from New Jersey at camera store. Very hot guy on Chestnut. I followed him to his gym and stayed long enough to see him start exercising. Went to cafe across the street. #43 home. Cute Asian guy with tight ass (in a good way) got on bus with me. I vowed to stay with him ’til he got off, which he did at Balboa Park, a few stops beyond my usual stop. Then I got off and came back on #8BX. Driver yelled “Last Stop! Last Stop!” Made eye contact with him before de-bussing. Walk up to Mt.D. and back. “You’ll pay for that” sign on #36 bus. Insight: Maybe there is a connection between disappointment with world leaders and with my father.
March 29 memory: Listening to presidential debate at LGBT center on Market Street in 1992, I think. Cute guy rubbed up against me. He then walked out. I stayed. I said, in effect: I don’t want you to make me happy. I want my father (my world) to make me happy.
March 29 dream: Am staying at really nice house for a little while longer. I put on a “jacket” (really a nice silk shirt). My host gets up to say goodbye. I say: “I won’t be leaving for another hour or two.” Train is just outside.
March 29 dream: I am moved to tears with what the astronauts are doing. I’m talking with others on TV about it. How this is a big step for mankind.
March 29 dream: Talking with guy about talking to the dead. He says I can’t talk to their memories. God has placed them in memoriam. I said that doesn’t make sense. (h.o.)
March 29 dream: Guy says to me: “Who am I?” I say: “You are Grandma Smith . . . to me.” Earlier someone gave me a dusty hard candy.
March 28, 2019: In ’til 2:45ish. Walk to Mt.D. from Ocean and Miramar. Hawk on Lansdale. Realize pelvic pain may be related to RHS of my mother for getting back at me for no longer needing her, and thus giving her a reason to love. Jordan at C.B. It rains really heavily just as I arrive. Guy came into C.B. and left to resto across the street. After, I went there just to check him out. We had significant eye contact. (*Relates to distant hawk from hier?) #23 to Railroad Expresso. Jesse waves hello #43 home. Cute, tall dark-haired guy at W.F.
March 28 dream: The sign will come after a verb and an adverb.
March 28 dream: House sitting, I say to William Fannie character: “You are the worst.” He says: “Did Alana tell you to say that?”
March 28 dream: My father (?) saying to me: “Pull your pants down.” It felt empowering. I had something he wanted.
March 27, 2019: 3 anonymous calls in a.m. (Also three shits.) In ’til 1ish. Go to Rincon. Insight; Not only did I enjoy whatever my father and I did but I realized I had taken my mother’s place. And that I could take my mother’s place. Think fearful reaction to kissing Cree at 1969 LSD party may relate to my fear of revenge from womankind for knowing that I (we) don’t need them. Guy at Spear and Mission I cruised who looked back at me a couple of times. 2 hours or so at Rincon. After, go to Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. “Exposed” boy (see diary of February 6) on #35. Zeph at C.B. Guy sitting next to me smiles as I leave. Distant hawk over G.P.
March 27 dream: Tall prison building we wanted to move from Turkey to the new country. Used to be part of Central Y.
March 27 dream: Worker gives me a new corner floor. When they leave with a few of my books, I go after them, taking back what I wanted and leaving the rest. Empty box from Rilke.
March 27 dream: Hungry and with two young guys in store. Almost get in fight with old man. Woman at counter bets she could get 5 more cents out of me. So I buy a card to send to my father. On return address, I put “Dad.” I ask how it will get to him. She says “Just put it in the bowl.” At mention of the bowl, old man runs around in excitement.
March 26, 2019: Had online Mind-Body class No. 1 today from 3:30-5:00 p.m. Most were from Chicago. About 12 people total. After, walked to Mt.D. Nice Asian guy crowing at crows on Frida Kahlo. Then smiles at me and calls me “Sir.” Self-absorbed couple on top of Mt.D. Insight: I may have enjoyed whatever my father did to me on his bed, in his bedroom. And maybe that’s what I’m ashamed of. Followed W.F. worker into W.F. Ordered burrito ’cause of cute gay guy who was ordering something else. As he left, he looked up and smiled at me.
March 26 dream: Almost literally I choke on a frog in my throat.
March 26 dream: Friend of teacher is going to talk about racial(?) discrimination in and from Barrettsville, N.C. (or S.C.)
March 26 dream: Run into Laurie on her way home from work. (She looked exactly like photo of her I had seen before). Went to Leigh’s. Talked about what movies we would see at dinner. People were talking about their nationalities. I fell asleep. Had to put in a lot of effort to make up.
March 26 dream: Driving home from usual walk. Pope now there at remodeled building. Stop at train crossing. Two green commuter trains pass. Then have trouble seeing if there’s another train before I cross the tracks myself.
March 25, 2019: Anonymous call at 10:30ish. 2nd anonymous call about 1 p.m. In ’til 2:45ish. Rainy day. K and J to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Buy chocolate muffin to go at his recommendation. Gay guy at G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. RHSing my father some more. Isaiah at W.F.
March 25 dream: Try to get new dates for DemocracyNow and other programs and events.
March 25 dream: Big truck drives to cusp of very big hole. Then I’m thumbing thru art book about Experiment 99A-Seventeen. Others complain I’m in the way.
March 25 dream: Two old ladies get locked out of their place on busy street. They think I am the manager of the building even though I tell them I’m not. It’s about 2:45 p.m. They ask me to wait around a while. One of their friends is a teacher I took a course in comparative religion from last summer. He says he doesn’t remember me.
March 25 dream: Woman in fancy dress. Her bum is exposed. I get hard.
March 24, 2019: In ’til 11am. Go to Ft. Mason Bernie rally on #43. Dark-haired guy with Roman nose gets off at Foerster. Later blond guy with bright baby blue satin shorts. Also see “surprise” on way. Guy from Chron likes my Bernie T-shirt and takes my photo. (*Relates to CCSF hawk from hier and to “surprise” from earlier today?) Am very moved by Bernie rally. As John F. and I leave Ft. Mason, I wave to Bernie’s white SUV. (*Relates to 2nd hawk from way down Mt.D. hier?) Nice baristo on Chestnut Street. Guy wearing a gold watch I talked to while waiting for #43 Home. Walk to Mt.D. and back. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Technology will make secrets impossible and cause potential misuse of power. My conclusion: Truth is the infinite ability, infinite power of one being, one intelligence (with nothing set aside or secret), whose only potential is the crafting together of appropriate usefulness.
March 24 dream: Roseanne (Liz Andrews) getting really mad at us for not cleaning the house her way. But Tom Arnold is going to buy the place so that is a relief. All that was left of the house appeared to be the floors.
March 24 dream: Louise Hay is my supervisor. She says I can sit there I want to because “Donald Trump says so.” There is an empty desk. No phone. No computer. And nothing to do. I’m looking for a Chron to see if I made it in.
March 24 dream: Free tea and coffee in celebration of fireworks last night. I didn’t go, but those who did had red marks on their necks and faces.
March 23, 2019: In ’til 3ish. Henry at library counter. Walk to G.P. thru CCSF. Hawk over CCSF Science building. Fashion designer barista at C.B. Also guy sitting next to me drinking regular cup of coffee. Walk thru G.C.P. Then to Mt.D. Hawk on way down from Mt.D. Steven at Safeway. Guy at aisle 7. then at checkout counter talking with Myka in front of me in line. (*Relates to hawk on Mt.D. from hier?) He told Myka he just returned to SF from Humboldt County. And he sort of jumped in excitement while talking to Myka. Feeling sad during the day. Probably about losing my relationship with my father. But thankful to J for playing the role of my father so I could go through this drama again and get it right. See “Michigan State” twice while watching Ordinary People for the umpteenth time. Shits about 12:30 a.m.
March 23 dream: Two of us sent out of school even though we had much to do. I was supposed to learn about German cooking.
March 23 dream: People push to keep man off streetcar ’cause he’ll arrest me for a national crime.
March 23 dream: Sitting in big crowd. J to my left and to my right. I am holding two cigarettes. He thinks I am offering him one. He says: “That was a bad move.” The guy behind him is smoking. Earlier, houses collapses and long-legged comic character emerges walking along the street and climbing a building. It was cool to watch. Wished I had my camera.
March 22, 2019: In ’til 3ish. Henry at library checkout counter. Rainy day. Take J train to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Rain clears up. Walk thru G.C.P. Then cute guy, looks kind of like J., leaving Mollie Stone’s on Portola. Then toothless baby smiles broadly at me from her stroller on Rockdale Drive. Then red-tailed hawk at top of Mt.D. On way down, hawk circles me twice within 10-15 feet of my face. Then overweight friendly black dog with its owner. Insight: Not liking blowjobs as much as everybody else seems to may relate to what my father did to me.
March 22 dream: Supposed to be designing an employee benefits website. Don’t know where to begin. (*Relates to my RHS of my father.)
March 22 insight: My relationship with J is a repeat of my relationship with my father. If I talk to him about it, he will deny it. On my part, if other relationship opportunities come up, I defer in favor of my father/J.
March 21, 2019: Anonymous calls at 9 a.m. and 10 a.m. In ’til 3ish. See Henry at library, in the stacks. Then whole set of keys on top of news rack on Ocean Avenue. #43 to Arizmendi bakery. Hawk over Laguna Honda. Rude woman on bus. N to Peets Cole Street. Rude guy there. #43 home early. Decide to walk to Mt.D. Get to top. Think I forgot my camera case. RHSing my father. And the trap I was in with him. Remembered sitting on his bed with my legs open and how sexy I felt walking in front of the Menlo Park house afterwards. Then my extreme relief when Dad told us he was going to remarry. I went into the den and said to myself: “Thank God. Now I can go back to being a normal boy.” (*Relates to seeing keys today. Also fall on Mt.D. on March 8?) Was my father a pedophile? Did I consider my father my lover? TMS: Lack of leadership leads to being weak-kneed.
March 21 dream: There’s a special at resto for 60 and over. I joke with waiter that my friend is 60. Woman sitting on ground and shaking, is from Saratoga. Is also probably 60.
March 21 dream: Tom O. or somebody comes into my room and says if I tell anyone, I’m dead. I say. “Okay.”
March 21 dream: Bob M. and I slip thru back way to get in without paying for gay fashion show.
March 21 dream: Returning to SF after being away for a while. Big bus following us. Guy gives command to stop here. Glad to be back. A little embarrassed.
March 21 insight: Maybe my back pain wasn’t about J after all. Maybe it was about my father. Maybe my relationship with J is about my relationship with my father.
March 20, 2019: Two anonymous calls in a.m. Another about 12:45 p.m. In ’til 1 pm-ish. Go to Rincon. Charles not at Starbucks. Max at Super Duper. Take F to Castro. Black guy hitting on black girl in seat in front of me. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Woman on #35 saying: “It’s over. It’s over.” Zeph at C.B. Also beautiful young Filipino(?) guy. Plus other older guy with nice ass who was checking me out. Guy on #43. Well-built. Tattooed. He waited for large semi unloading at W.F. I waited with him. When he got the signal it was safe, he signaled me as well. TMS: Anxiety is the pain. Anxiety is caused by feeling trapped.
March 20 dream: “Unwrapping” really beautiful young man.
March 20 dream: Bill Moyers reads the poem of a great man who just passe don .
March 20 dream: I’m still going to school. Wondering what it will be like when I start working.
March 20 dream: Steering wheel comes off my ’57 Mercedes Benz. Wondering whether I should pay to have it fixed. I am “dating” Roger Eshelman’s old girlfriend and wondering how to break it off with her. Go to big conference. Young girl asks me what it’s like to be working. I say: “I’m still in school.” Young boy comes by as well.
March 19, 2019: Realize back pain is probably related to fear that my father will find out I’m about to be happy. Johann Hari on Majority Report. In ’til 3sh. Walk to G.P. Get wrong number phone call. Just after I block the number, see beautiful white man with dreadlocks. I admire him. He smiles back at me. (*Relates to distant hawk and black guy at G.B. crosswalk on March 17?) Jordan at C.B. Distant hawk at G.C.P. See two policemen walk out of Starbucks Portola. One is good-looking Asian guy whose face seems familiar. I turn around for a second look. Other policeman smiles and waves at me. Homeless guy walking down Mt.D. path dragging open sleeping bag behind him. W.F.
March 19 dream: Changing buses. I am not liked by all. I say hi to them anyway. Am writing book about my life. Someone asks me where I’m going. I say: “California, I live there.“
March 19 dream: Remembered bird cage I hadn’t taken care of in ages. Birds still alive. I add water.
March 19 dream: Was at resto counter ordering food with group of people. Only I wasn’t ordering. I was making jokes.
March 18, 2019: 9 a.m. anonymous call. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Distant hawk, looking back. Go to Mt.D. Woman jogger coming up behind me gives me a scare. Still thinking about whether my father beat his wife like he beat Tom and I. Listen to Dr. Strack video: He said TMS can sometimes be caused by change in marital status.
March 18 dream: Don’t really want to go to Hellenic play, but I stand around ’til guy asks me to go. It’s a Thursday nite.
March 18 dream: I’m sliding down 101 in S.F. Near naked guy motions for me to stop. I keep going. Go down one steep hill okay. Then run into big hole with lots of people trying to get thru. Big black guy in half-truck, half animal waiting, bored, on a side road. Everybody, mostly overweight young women, trying to find a way thru. (*Relates to AOL going out on me on March 19?)
March 17, 2019: In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See “Believe it or . . .” on way. Distant hawk and sexy black guy at G.P. crosswalk. Zeph at C.B. When I leave, only one customer left. The ebb before the tsunami? Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Nice day. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: We are overwhelmed by excessive information, but censoring blocks its free flow. My conclusion: Truth is formless knowing, never excessive, always free-flowing. Anonymous call around 7:30ish.
March 17 lucid dream: Little boy runs out in the street. I grab him.
March 17 dream: Big earthquake. After, we all go to the classroom with large panel windows and lots of 20ish students.
March 17 RHS to myself: You were just being a self-centered kid when you said to yourself as you saw the press and the police arrive at your mother’s murder: “It’s beginning.” J. teaching me healthy selfishness.
March 17 talking to my back pain: What are you saving me from? Answer: Him, my father. Then wondered, for the first time ever, did my father hit my mother as well? He hit Tom and I.
March 16, 2019: Called the VA. They said I had recovered nicely from my head injury. In ’til 2:30ish. Henry at back room of library. Walk to G.P. Fashion designer barista gives me 1-1/2 almond biscottis. Read about “chemical residue” from Sarno’s Mind over Back Pain. Warm day. Walk thru G.C.P. Thinking about my TMS and what my back pain was trying to tell me. Since pain is worse late in the evening and during the night, realize perhaps my back pain is telling me I’m ashamed ’cause I don’t have a partner. As I think this, guy walking down Mt.D., says “Just the thing!” See Steven and Myka at Safeway. Talk with Myka on way out. RHS of my father. Realize he’ll never be able to give me the kind of love I want. It’s okay. I can do without.
March 16 insight: Back pain may be related to football games and me not knowing enough about them to my father’s liking.
March 16 dream: Me moving my spherical shits from ice box to garbage can, or something like that.
March 15, 2019: Anonymous call about 9:15 a.m. Had interview with Dr. Strack re my TMS back pain. He asked me: “What do you like about J.?” I say something. Later, thinking it through, I think it’s because he’s uncivilized, untameable. As I was thinking this, guy on San Jose Avenue smiles at me. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Also a whole bunch of very nasty women, to quote Mr. Trump. Walk thru G.C.P. Distant hawk in the sky. Then to Mt.D. Then home. See Henry at Ocean and Lee just as I did one week ago at the same location. I told him my head wound is all healed up. He didn’t seem so sure. Gay guy at W.F. smiles at me. I stand behind him at checkout counter. There is a barrel of candy there called “Unreal.” Anonymous call at about 6 or 7 p.m.
March 15 dream: Email or phone number of teacher union which has the info we/they need.
March 15 dream: Walking through gay area. Guy playing with penis-shaped squirt gun. Suddenly I realize I’ve lost everything except very brief underwear. Guy says he’ll put me up.
March 15 dream: In unfamiliar part of S.F., climbing up trail. Horse and some guys walking down trail. Guy says of horse: “He’s dead.” Then I see three mountain lions and a guy in on the kill of the horse.
March 14, 1019: Anonymous call about 10:30 a.m. In ’til 3 pm-ish. Henry at library. Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Cute, hot Asian guy walks in. I look at him intently. In fact, I can’t take my eyes off him. As he left, I looked at him directly. He returned the look. I was both coming on to him and thinking: Are you really okay with this? (*Relates to last dream of March 12.) Perhaps that’s what my TMS is all about. I’m not repressing my rage. I’m repressing my sexuality. And this explains my relationship with John as well. Walk happily thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Beautiful day. I like the new time change. Plenty of daylight in the p.m.
March 14 dream: Cenk Ugyur following me across a large lawn to continue a conversation with me.
March 14 dream: Jerry Brown became governor after 8 years of Gavin Newsom. Jerry had been lieutenant governor for 8 years.
March 13, 2019: In ’til 10:30 a.m. 101. See my Asian friend (from behind). Very cold. Not one person took our literature. Nice Canadian couple (of course) talked to us at the end of the shift. Max at Super Duper was dancing to the music as he took my order. Two hours at Rincon. Read letter from Mayor’s offIce on housing. They say if I make more money that I need to move out of my BMR. Glad they think I might be making more money. On way out was thinking my “headaches” are sinus headaches. As I was thinking this, building guard smiled at me. Take J to Church. Walk to Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Zeph at C.B. Also cute blond, straight guy, I assume. #23 and #43 right away.
March 13 dream: Waiting for people to get off the bus. Not sure they are who they said they were.
March 13 dream: David Weinman, Bill Floyd and others bring their esoteric conversation to our front yard.
March 13 dream: On dirt path, run across man completely covered by boa constrictor. I throw something at it. There is a puff of dust or smoke. (*The puff of smoke relates to thinking about my headaches/body aches in the shower.)
March 12, 2019: Anonymous call about 10:30 a.m. Also call about 1 pm-ish. Insight: Maybe my back pain doesn’t relate to J, but to Trump. Walk to G.P. I sit next to a regular, a young guy I’ver never really spoken to, for 2nd day in a row. Jordan is barista. Met Bernie, the dog, at G.C.P. I throw a frisbee to him a few times. He jumps up and catches it in mid-air. And then he brings frisbee back to me instead of his owner. See Taylor at Starbucks Portola. Distant hawk on way up Mt.D. and mid-range on way down. RHS my mother on way home.
March 12 dream: Working on myself. Then with my parents and why I have terrible relationships. It rains. Then it hails. I think: “It’s Saturday night. I’ll walk home thru the Castro.”
March 12 dream: Locking up the boss’s car. His wife (or 2nd in command) gets in car and takes off.
March 12 dream: Just moved to Oregon. Listen to young male governor. Don’t hear the info we need. Later he’s on a raid.
March 12 dream: On open-air trolly in NYC. Friendly with other tourists. We go into massive indoor area with big glass colored ceiling. Someone was trying to be provocative by asking what would happen if it all came down?
March 12 insight: My back muscle grasping relates to my grasping onto my identity as coming from God.
March 12 dream: I am laying in abandoned street. Guy comes up to me. I am tired and weak. Then we are in room all alone. I open the door. Others come in . At one point, he takes off his shirt. I touch his back. Many of us embrace. Lots of ships and other aquatic things seem to race by. I think one of the ships is the USS Mt. Baker (AE-4 ammunition ship) which I served on in the Navy. It was not, but it was a similar ship. At end, I am walking briskly, happily along rain-soaked street looking forward to seeing him again.
March 11, 2019: Anonymous call at 9 am-ish. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Emergency at CCSF. Movie still being made on Edna Street. Owners at C.B. Beautiful day. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to Teresita to Mt.D. Guy on scooter on Frida Kahlo. He looked twice at me and vice versa. I think it’s J. Or it might have been somebody else. (*Relates to shits at Safeway from 3/9, I think.)
March 11 dream: Resetting the clock in a well. Jesus is tied to the bottom portion. When the bell stands upright, his weight will make it go vertical. Calvin is “helping.”
March 11 dream: In spite of myself, got excited about Prosperos at one day assembly. Especially when I found out that we had 35 students in Mexico. About 30 people there, including Perry Dickey. Guy at hostel wants to show me some brochures. He says: “I’ve been studying for 35 years. It’s time for me to get a job.”
March 11 dream: Driving to meeting. Girl talking with other girls about how she only pretends to live in S.F. She really still lives in L.A. ’cause of her football player boyfriend. I say to myself: “You’re not so great. You’re mad at being excluded from this conversation just ’cause you’re a guy.
March 10, 2019: 2-ring call about 1 pm-ish. Walk to G.P. Begins to hail. Reaches climax when I reach the doorway of C.B. Everybody is looking outside. At first, I think they’re looking at me. Zeph makes a point of saying goodbye to me. I Translate on way home through G.C.P and Mt.D. Two conclusions: Truth believes in Itself. Also: Truth is a placebo (Latin for “I will please.”) Guy on Evelyn smiling inwardly as I admire him. See car called Moab parked kitty-corner from car called Rubicon. Policeman cruising neighborhood on walk down from Mt.D. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Insufficient skill and lack of dominion causes poor quality and state of limbo. My conclusion: Truth is limitless, limbo-less skill, super-vision, the only doing, and all that is done.
March 10 dream: Woman I’m with doesn’t like me very much so I flirt with the other woman.
March 10 dream: “Bodyguard” is asleep at the job. Celebrity he’s guarding is a little too full of himself.
March 9, 2019: In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Young people making movie on Edna Street. Fashion designer barista there. Walk to G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Begin to feel “shitty” again like I did exactly one week ago. Not quite as bad but thankful I could get to Safeway bathroom almost immediately. See Steven in the aisles. Then talk with Myka at checkout.
March 9 dream: Get last seat in barber shop for Thane Sunday Meeting.
March 9, 2019: Police work is done. Now it’s time for the courts.
March 9, 2019: Have to get to fancy house where I work. Person who gave me pouched egg takes it back. There’s going to be a debate today so the owners of the house will be out.
March 8, 2019: In ’til 2:30ish. Go to library. Henry there! Have good conversation with him. So good to see him again. Have nice talk with Ray at San Jose Avenue liquor store about the need for meditation in the midst of activity. Zeph at C.B. He’s having a bad day. I’m reaching behind me for free paper. Having a little trouble. Nice pretty young lady helps me out. I feel obligated to her. Catch myself. Walk up Chenery to G.C.P. Cute bicyclist stops on side of road. I check to see if he is J. I don’t think he is, so I move on. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. On way down, slip and fall, roll over completely at least once and hit my head on the ground. Later at Ocean and Lee, see Henry again. He tells my my head is bleeding. I go home and clean up.
March 8 dream: See Perry Dickey, Suzanne Deakins and Grandma Smith at hotel assembly. Suzanne is sitting next to Grandma Smith. I kiss Grandma Smith hello. (h.o.)
March 8 dream: I volunteered to give one of Thane’s classes called “Resurrection.” I see Bernie Sanders come home. He asks me: “What do you think is the relationship between consciousness and the human anatomy?”
March 8 dream: Guy at counter said it might be a while. I wondered how they know what I wanted as I hadn’t even ordered yet.
March 7, 2019: 10 am-ish anonymous call just as I’m getting up. In ’til noonish. Go to VA to pick up new shoes. Sweet black veteran there before me. See Jackie on way out. Guy on Anza with his pants hanging down smiles at me as he gets into his car. Strange guy in G.G.P. sort of walks right into me. Hot guy on bike in G.G. P. I wolf-call him. Then he stops his bike. I talk with him briefly. I say: “Is that a 10-speed bike?” he says: “Oh, no, it’s much more than that. “ Homeless but cute guy near arboretum. Go to Arizmendi. See Fred C., I think, on 9th Avenue. Let N train go by, but lose him. Catch 3rd N in a row to Peet’s Cole Street. Dog throws up while I’m waiting for #43 home. Then see Homer F. just as #43 arrives. Talk briefly. Weird guy on #43 smiles at me. At home, finally throw X’mas tree away. Meet cute guy with fancy tote bags on elevator. I’m way too charming! He likes me. I was just being charming! Insight: Back pain due to me pushing too soon to finish the contract with J. before it was fulfilled. See “Lourdes” in the dictionary.
March 7 dream: Playing a guessing game on top of building while waiting for something. Guy asks me: “How old is this piece of metal?”
March 7 dream: Luke Perry-looking guy shows off his apartment to me. He’s got wood-paneling and then TV showing wood-paneling and then what’s behind the wood paneling. I say: “Nice job with the fake humility.”
March 7 dream: Finished project at work. It was being printed off. Was very impressive. One woman went home early due to unexpected sad news.
March 6, 2019: Anonymous call just as I’m taking a shit at 1 pm-ish. In ’til 1:30ish. Go to Rincon. Angry homeless black guy on K on way. I Translated. Realized he just wanted attention. Or in other words, what he really wanted was love. He got off shortly thereafter. See Charles at Starbucks Market Street on the way. Max at Super Duper. Two hours at Rincon. Take M home. Sit next to cute gay guy. He gets off at Church. So do I. I walk up to the Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Young boy on #35 seems to want my attention so I give it to him. Decide not to stop by C.B. today. Then home on #23 and #43. Cute Japanese guy talking with his friends about snow on T.P. I joined in the conversation. I said: “Probably no more chance this year for snow.” He said: “Not unless we get another cold front.” Followed his group into W.F.
March 6 dream: Melissa moving her wet clothes out of the way so I can sleep on the kitchen counter.
March 6 dream: Martin Luther King, Jr., liked grilled cheese sandwiches.
March 6 dream: Hospital on 1st floor of building, giving out “Stooli” medicines to take before heart operations. I need to go to 2nd floor to take care of some business.
March 5, 2019: In ’til 2:30ish. No Henry at library. Walk to G.P. Hear owl on San Jose Avenue. Cute blue-eyed policeman at liquor store. My substitute teacher friend Noah (from Fog Lifter Cafe) at C.B. Also Jordan. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Cute Latino guy on Portola. He kind of looked like J. so I stopped by to talk with him. I asked him what they were doing. He said they’re looking for a water main. I said, “Good luck.” Run into freelance report and her dog Sammy on Mt.D. (who I had met there on February 4). At peak of Mt.D, two or three crows flying right on top of me. It began raining. No Henry at W.F. either.
March 5 dream: Get new shirt in clothing class. It’s very beautiful. More like a coat with a bare midriff.
March 5 dream: I like two guys at work, even though one has large blemish or two on his back. Calvin seems me liking them.
March 4, 2019: See “Colorado State University” online. In ’til 2:30ish. Go to library hoping to see Henry. He’s not there. Buy paper at Walgreens. Bunch of noisy, bratty school kids ahead of me in line. When they finally leave, I say: “Goodbye, kids.” One turns around and says: “Goodbye.” Then he asks me my name. I tell him. He was very sweet. Totally turned around my experience with them. Walked to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Then down to G.P. See hawk/crows on Teresita? Jordan at C.B. Leave at 5:30ish. Catch #23 just as it’s leaving. Guy on bus looks kind of like J. if J. were a lot older and in pretty rough condition. But something about the hair on the back of his head later convinced me that it was J. indeed. He got off at Foerster. I got off at the next stop and probably would have gone back to look for him but my next bus was already taking off. Later at home receive one-ring call around 6:30ish. Then two-ring call around 8ish. (*Relates to shits from March 2? I think so.)
March 4 dream: Getting ready for big gay parade. It’s very soon and I may have overlooked getting a lot of envelopes ready.
March 4 dream: We do a bit of remodeling at work. One of my female co-workers says: “There’s nothing like having a queer brother.” I agree: “Yes, there’s nothing like having a queer broth. I don’t have one, but my brother does.”
March 3, 2019: In ’til 3ish. See white dog with its owners on elevator. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Very full. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to Mt.D. Hear distant owl on Mt.D. Then sirens. Realize I should have waited for Henry hier (See diary of March 2.) On reaching home, see same white dog as I saw at the beginning of my walk. Then long-haired guy at rear of W.F. (*Relates to shits of hier? No. See diary of March 4.) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Strong emotions can be threatening due to conflicts within person and between people. My conclusion: Truth is an open-ended, all-able, all-powerful public agreement within one private, all-inclusive individuation. Two anonymous calls in p.m.
March 3 dream: Helping Nannie up from the table. She could hardly stand.
March 3 dream: Hanging out with Uncle Larry and others. Happy.
March 2, 2019: Misty day. Henry at library. He had a large pile of DVDs to process so I went to the other guy. I should have waited. Walked to C.B. Fashion designer barista there. Very crowded. Walk thru G.C.P. and Mt.D. RHSing my father vis-a-vis my standing up to Carl. Feeling more and more “shitty.” Will I make it to Safeway restroom? Yes! I see Myka but when I get to check out, he’s not there. Walk to bus stop. My double bag breaks. I go back to Safeway and get in Myka’s line. He has only one person with very few items. I say: “I guess my bags broke because of the weather.” He says: “No, probably just bad luck.” I think: “Not really such bad luck. It allowed me to come back and talk to you.” Walk home.
March 2 dream: Male initiation rite at SFO. Guy was telling me about it. Oscar Wilde and his Swedish half-sister Beatrice were part of it. Event was just beginning and so I thought I’d stay. Woke up. It felt like something I’d read about in the Sunday paper.
March 2 dream: Fly in for yoga with Jordan Chariton. He asks me the time. It’s 9:52.
March 2 dream: Big decorated squirrel and small mouse in my room. I eat at outdoor cafe with Harriet and Laurie afterwards.
March 1, 2019: Insight: Fight, flight or freeze: my back pain represents my choice: freeze. Go to 101 today. Really sweet baristo at Starbucks on Drumm. Hear guy saying: “This is just a phase you’re going through.” Go to Rincon briefly afterwards. K home. Do bills and monthly BB update. Striking woman (really a sexual caricature) at Ocean and Lee. Decided not to proceed with Carl’s reiki treatment tomorrow, and feel good about that. (*See last dream of February 27?) Couple of 1- or 2-ring calls in p.m.
March 1 dream: We’re about 3 minutes ahead of my other group. Plan is for me to run to that group. And let them know we’re very close. And then dive in.
March 1 dream: Deciding to go to lunch at noon. Cute, nice guy making a musical.
March 1 dream: Walking naked back to my room in nice new place. Little boy sees me. I say: “Oh, I forgot [you were living here with your mother].” Her mother’s boyfriend comes in. He’s a very short black man. I say: “Are you going to kill me?” He says: “No. No, I’d like to kill her grandmother.”
February 28, 2019: Anonymous phone call at 10 am-ish. 2:30 pm-ish anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. Henry at local library. Exiting library, see biracial guy from #35 hier, on skateboard on Ocean Avenue. Then run into Carl Compton at Philz patio. He’s going to give me a reiki treatment for my back on Saturday. Dark-haired blue-eyed guy at C.B. I had sat behind him. Then changed my seat to sit next to him. I think he wanted me to do more. Jordan at C.B. Walk home thru G.C.P. and Mt.D. See “Dismal” license plate on Juanita. Trip on top of Mt.D.as dog stares at me. Cute but uninteresting black checkout cashier at W.F.
February 28 dream: Record of professional football teams ______ of reading at local gas station.
February 28 dream: Laughing continuously with Gary Alinder at gay retreat. He was talking about not being able to get his $3,000 refund back. His head was in a small mail box and I kept trying to push the letters back in.
February 27, 2019: In ’til 1:30ish. Take J downtown. Guy reading “Minute to Midnight.” Rincon for 2 hours or so. Asian guy smiles at me on way out of One Market. Take S to Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Little kids laughing self-consciously at one of our elder gay nudists walking up Castro. Cute biracial young man on #35 smiles at me with his eyes before exiting. Jordan at C.B. Robert (from CCSF Broadcast Media) at W.F. I followed somebody in. Robert (who is black) smiles at me. I’m in mid-look before I recognized him. He’s with Asian girlfriend. 7:20 anonymous call in p.m.
February 27 dream: Swimming off into Golden Gate bridge sunsets. (h.o.)
February 27 dream: Guy driving across bridge where ocean waves are crushing. He says he’s taking on a lot of water but so is everybody else.
February 27 dream: 14 or 15 black rats calmly eating on the floor of bedroom I’m sharing with my brother. I put plate on top of them and they casually leave.
February 27 dream: Woman from beauty shop comes over. I wash my hair. She gives everybody a free sample of something.
February 27 dream: Steve Hines tries to take part of my mattress. I stop him.
February 26, 2019: 11:30ish call asking for John. I say: “John’s not in.” He says: “We’ll call back.” Shahid Butler called around noonish re his run for Congress in 2020. Muni to G.P. Rainy day. Jordan at C.B. I tell her I like her taste in music. Read more from Mindbody Prescription. Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Young black guy to older woman on Melrose Avenue: “I hope everyone in the neighborhood is as cool as you are.” Walk thru Philz on way home. One ring call at 7:15 p.m. Back pain just before male stripper on ice video on Facebook. Insight: I always wanted to be good looking so I could refuse my mother for all eternity. Insight: Where Lucia touched me, my back pain is worse.
February 26 dream: Attack has been thru all branches of the military. I will respond soon.
February 26 dream: Lucid dream: Target of attacks responds. We are over distant body of water. I say: Bring it up [so it’s not so scary.]
February 25, 2019: In ’til 3ish. Rainy day. Muni to C.B. Zeph at C.B. Read more from Mindbody Prescription. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Apparently homeless guy exiting Starbucks Portola Street saying: “You’ve got to get rid of your pain before they’ll let you in, right?” Guy in tuxedo T-shirt on Mt.D. I say: “You look all dressed up.” Guy on upper Frida Kahlo Avenue changing pants. I look. He smiles. Meet Henry at W.F. He says: “What day to you usually come in?” I say: “I do my regular shopping at Safeway but come in here from time to time.” I shoulda, coulda, woulda said: “No particular days. What days are you here?” (*Relates to 1st dream of 2/24 about being stuck on a ship without knowing what our assignment was.) Feel bad. Get one ring call at 6:30ish. Two-ring call at 8:30ish. I presume from J. in response to my feeling bad about Henry. Meeting Henry a mutation from RHS I did this a.m. about feeling humiliated?
February 25 dream: One class canceled. Another new therapist added.
February 25 dream: Barbara Baroe sings musical accompaniment at quasi-legal school function. She hugged me. I told her: “I never thought i’d see you again.”
February 25 dream: New blond guy works for us. I follow him to store. See Cenk on way. He follows me. Blond guy is waiting on person in store. Then he is operating on her. He asks me to cut the straw.
February 24, 2019: Walk to G.P. Cute thin hippy guy at Diamond & Circular. Meet Clay just outside C.B. He’s Cal Poly student in plant sciences. Gave up table to talk to him. When I finished, there were two empty tables. Zeph at C.B. Read a few pages from Mindbody Prescription. Walk thru G.C.P. Feels like it’s about to rain. Then Mt.D. Thinking about my back pain and my yoga class where it started. I was so excited. I thought that my back pain was physical and that yoga was going to help me get rid of it entirely. Turns out my back pain is not physical. It’s psychological and it’s related to my seemingly never-ending commitment to having J. in my life—whether I like it or not. One ring call about 6:30 p.m. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: It can cost more to establish evidence of the Truth than there is value in the estate. My conclusion: The infinite value/benefit of the infinite estate of Truth/Consciousness is freely, effortlessly self-evident to all. One ring call at 8:30 p.m. One ring call at 8:45 p.m.
February 24 dream: Stuck on a ship like military duty. Not sure of my assignment.
February 24 dream: One of my young relatives, Harrison, will probably get part in movie. We drive up to home in police car. FBI also driving up.
February 24 dream: Flying to L.A. at one half the usual speed. In L.A., nice part of the city. Looking for snack. Only find outdoor greeting card shop. Nice woman talking to me. I don’t hear what she is saying.
February 23, 2019: In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Wait on sidewalk for fire truck leaving fire station on Ocean Avenue. Nice girl barista at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Trip over fur (left over from some kind of animal fight?) on steps near Melrose Avenue. Myka at Safeway. Not very forthcoming today. Memory: Young CCSF anatomy professor who had a crush on me in ’81 or ’82. I could tell from the very back rows of a large lecture hall.
February 23 dream: Dream that J. is kind of a mama’s boy.
February 23 dream: Am taking a shower while Marilyn D. (my first high school “girlfriend”) is at bathroom sink. My shower curtain is falling apart.
February 22, 2019: Go to 101. Beautiful blond guy getting on #29. Cold day at 101. Cute guy in line as I exit Super Duper. We lock eyes. I defer. Then look up again. He’s still looking. Makes me very happy. Like a kid. (*Relates to distant hawk from hier on approach to T.P.?) Shortly thereafter, receive one ring call from J., I assume. (*Relates to closer hawks from hier? I assume it’s J. ’cause he and I are, as they say in quantum physics, entangled.) Don’t know if I believe in having a soul mate, but I certainly believe in soul mates with an s. The guy at Super Duper was certainly one of my soul mates. TMS believes that the body creates pain (like back pain) as a way to avoid unconscious rage which would be too much for the ego to accept. I think it could also be unconscious joy which could be just as devastating to the ego. Take N to Castro. Walk to J’s store. Feel “shitty.” Laurie H. texts me while I’m waiting for #35 in front of J’s store. Go to C.B. Zeph there. Take shit there. Get mad at older Latino man who comes into cafe and sits down without buying anything. Then see that he’s white and my anger disappears. #23 home. Cute, tall Asian guy with Levi’s enwrapping cute butt on way home.
February 22 dream: Hang out in Oakland and like it.
February 22 dream: Graduate from arts & crafts class. Get A. Eat too much.
February 21, 2019: Lots of pre-recorded calls in a.m. Blank phone message at 2:52 p.m. In ’til about 2:45 p.m. Catch #43 to Arizmendi bakery. Woman there gives me extra muffin. Then Peets Cole Street. Walk to T.P. Guy on way. I say to myself: “If he walks up to T.P., I’ll follow him.” He turns around and smiles at me. (*Relates to G.P. hawk from hier, I think, which happened 10 minutes after accident at G.P. The “accident,” I think, related to J. reading this Diary about him never having been in love before.) Distant hawk on way up to T.P. Then “murder of crows.” Then couple of close encounters with one or two hawks. Then climb both of Twin Peaks. Then on to Portola Street. Beautiful gal, then cute guy from SOTA. Then Mt.D. Take #36 to Monterey. June off today, I guess. See Jesse just as #43 arrives. Stop by Philz on way home. View magic show for a few minute there.
February 21 dream: In college class with Jordan and Tom O. and Nancy O. Teacher attempts (broadly) to grab Nancy after class. He denies it. Jordan and I both see it. I ask Jordan: “What are we going to do? We are going to just let him go?” Jordan says: “I don’t know. We were waiting for you to get here to figure it out [in Tom’s absence.]”
February 21 dream: Things slow down at work. Talk to our new female boss from Ireland. (h.o.)
February 21 dream: Back at home, neighbor woman is still cleanup up from big event that just took place.
February 20, 2019: At 11am-ish, guy calls. Starts laughing. I say: “I’m glad you are amused.” Call about 1 p.m. when I was in shower. No message. In ’til 1:30ish. Three guys on J. Playfully turn around on exiting and connect with guy I had been least interested in. Two hours at Rincon. Beautiful guy on S on way home. He got off at Church. So did I. I walked to Castro. Wait in front of J’s store. Guy admires my Bernie T-shirt. Phone call as I get on #35 to G.P. One young guy checking out another young guy. All three of us get off at same stop. No connection is made. Object of affection joins his family at resto. Father gives me a dirty look. Cross street to C.B. Zeph there. Have cappuccino in celebration. See “Game Over” online. Wait for #23. Tall athletic Asian guy at bus stop. I ask him about accident across the street. He said it happened about 10 minutes ago. Then see hawk over G.P. Athletic guy and I get off at same stop. Isaiah at W.F. Two-ring call at 8 p.m. One ring cell call at 8:30ish. Insight: Because of shits last night at 1am, I was expecting a call or something from J. Think he chickened out. Realize J’s probably never been in love before, just as I’ve never been in lust before. That is, I’ve never allowed myself to act on my lust. Also: I used the term “Thane threshold” in email I sent to Monday night group saying I didn’t want to continue with the class. I’m having a real pain threshold (with my back pain). Don’t need a “Thane threshold” as well.
February 20 dream: Watch movie with woman in front seat of her car. Then she drives away from the movie. Then some of her older friends stop by. I see she’s older than I thought, though I don’t mind. She says: “Can you come by this place every morning?” I think: “Well, I’ll have to wait ’til next week.
February 20 dream: Cruel boss runs an indoor fishery. We have all been recruited. Must serve a certain time. Young men and women. We are taken to fish tank. There is a liquid we are told we will have to consume. I didn’t intend to. We are all gathered around. Suddenly boss appears with an assistant. He is an old, crusty man. He says: “Fish are cruel. That’s why we must kill them.” I hear hawk overhead. Boss dives into water as does his assistant. Then one of my male co-workers dives in.
February 19, 2019: Anonymous call at about 1:30 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan and Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Then to Mt.D. Feeling happy. Anonymous blank message at 3:26 p.m. Hang-up at 7:26 p,.m. (*Relates to distant hawk from hier?) One ring call at 8pm-ish. Bernie announces his run for President! Shits at 1am.
February 19 dream: At gay center on lower Market Street, I help clean up welcome desk. Someone asks where Polk Street is. I say it’s 5 or 6 blocks up that way.
February 19 dream: Dreamt that the pain in my back is not really back pain. It’s something else.
February 18, 2019: In ’til 3ish. Run into Jon from W.F. outside my apartment building. Walk to G.P. Read from Mindbody Prescription. Sarno was talking about facial pain. Remembered “tooth pain” I had in 1991 or so. I fell to the floor in pain. Dentist said there was nothing wrong. Could have been TMS. Of course, related to J. That was the year I decided to leave S.F. and move to Oregon just to get away from him. It didn’t work. He called me up there, too, and even visited me one day, though I didn’t realize it ’til later. Go to get hair cut with June. He says I should keep my hair nice for “whoever I’m with.” Then walk to Mt.D. Distant hawk on top. Anonymous call at about 7:30 p.m.
February 18 dream: Eating in the mess hall of a ship. They’re running out of seats.
February 17, 2019: In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Totally filled. Big line. So I walk thru G.C.P. to Starbucks Portola. Woman there checks me out. After I sit down, I drop some things out of my pocket. So I go down on my hands and knees to retrieve them. (*Relates to hawk from February 15? That day I took an alternate route thru G.C.P. just as I took an alternate route from C.B. to Starbucks Portola.) One-ring call immediately after. Assume it was J. Beautiful young man walking by Starbucks a little later. Woman with dog on walk to Mt.D. She says: “You’re fine. You’re fine.” She was talking to her dog but I took it as a message to me. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Innovation and renovation can bring about stress, disruption and eruption. My conclusion: Truth is liberal, yielding, authority without being authoritarian, always brand new (“straight from the fire’), always off the beaten track of habitual thought and action, in fact, deconstructing, disrupting, erupting traditional ways of doing and being. Single ring call in p.m. Flying black butterfly in my living room.
February 17 dream: Susan Sarandon says: “You might as well leave tomorrow since we’re not having sex.” I agree and leave today.
February 17 dream: Desperately looking for Room 8. I may have already typed up the article my female boss is looking for, but I don’t know where it is. Convention of Germans. Very nice, cute guy lets me sleep in hallway the night before.
February 16, 2019: Walk to Mt.D. Then to 583 Teresita, home of John Pinkerton, according to persistent phone calls to me. Guy with two dogs likes my Bernie-So-Punk T-shirt. Henry at library. Meet Taylor at C.B. He’s interested in international relations. I had seen him before, wearing his “Otter-woman” T-shirt. First met him on July 23, 2017 at C.B. He had a weak handshake. Try to get haircut with June, but he was too busy. Myka and Steven and third guy at Safeway. Steven upset with me? Really noisy kid on #43. He yelled: “Look at it.” Or it least that’s what it sounded like. Then I turned around and saw his beautiful father. We smiled with our eyes.
February 16 dream: The country was running out of money(?) in its early years.
February 16 dream: Worried about my Sunday talk.
February 16 dream: Registered at fancy hotel. My “room” was a plot on the lawn outside.
February 15, 2019: Zeph at C.B. Practically SRO. Walk thru G.C.P. Stella, German shepherd unleashed and crouched down, starts barking at me ’til her owner came along and leashed her up. Top of Mt.D. Guy laughed. He sounded like J. Three French speakers in the middle of Coventry Court. Missed Isaiah at W.F. Find out AOC has a boyfriend! RHS my father for just not being able to love me enough. Just like J. Insight while watching police show: “Yes, I’ll cooperate. I’ll do anything you want. I’ll be anything you want me to be. Just pay attention to me!”
February 15 dream: Political woman comes out of hiding every two years. (h.o.)
February 15 dream: Engaging with somebody even though I know he’s a fraud.
February 14, 2019: Calvin calls in early p.m. I am abrupt with him, but not rude. Jordan at C.B. I think she’s in love with me like most of the barristas (male and female) there have been. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk over Turquoise Street. Walk to Mt.D. See “Rubicon” and MSU on Juanita Avenue. Mt.D. Home. Insight: Maybe my fear at Laguna LSD party (after I kissed Cree) related to inherited fear from my father [to do the same?]
February 14 dream: Czechoslovakian sales clerks sell us two cheap coats that fall apart when you brush them. (h.o.)
February 14 dream: Election is ruled null just as V.P. is about to take office.
February 14 dream: Being part of skit in Koreatown.
February 13, 2019: Anonymous call about 10:30am-ish. Call Carol at VA PT and tell her I want to cancel my appointments and pursue the Sarnos method instead of physical therapy. Another example of me having to stand up to a woman who is ostensibly being nice to me (as my mother was). Go to Rincon. Stop by at newsstand/chocolate store. More crowded than usual. I say to counter-girl: “This must be your busy day.” She says: “Yeah. Do you want to buy a card or some chocolate? I say: “No.” She says: “You should get her a card or some chocolate.” I say: “It’s a him. She says: “You should get him a card of some chocolate.” I say: “You’re right.” She laughs. Charles not at Starbucks. Two hours at Rincon. Take Muni to Castro. Run into Ken (of Ricardo & Ken) at Castro and Market. Walk to 19th & Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Very beautiful, hot, apparently lost guy checking his phone to see which way to go. As I finally cross 19th Street to address him, he finds his direction. On #35 find myself sitting next to “Exposed” boy from February 6. Zeph at C.B. Anonymous call in p.m.
February 13 dream: Get a degree in S.F. school for presenting certain ___ and airing questions. I introduce class in public forum.
February 13 dream: Hot guys in Speedos walking towards stadium. Apparently straight guy checking out one very gorgeous brunette guy. Billboard of couple of guys in Speedos reclining together. Go to stadium. Acquaintance asks me: “What’s an mmmmm-bath?” I say: “It’s where people hum the tune if they don’t know the words.” Other older gentleman starts telling us a story.
February 12, 2019: Anonymous call at 10:30am-ish. Go to VA. See Max on way to Carol in PT. Sign at front coffee stand says: “Go to Starbucks at cafeteria in the back.” So I do. Meet cute Asian guy who smiles at me. I follow him into VA store. After, walk by Purusha and see Lucia walking with gay friend on Balboa. Walk home thru G.C.P. See Fred C. on 9th Avenue. He looks older and asks me, with concern: “Is everything all right?” Asian woman on #43 who pissed me off ’cause she wouldn’t recognize my apology for accidentally bumping into her after younger woman stood up to give me her seat. RHSing men for being more beautiful than me.
February 12 dream: Religious guy asks: “Does he believe in our lord and savior?” I say: “No, but . . .”
February 12 dream: Cute guy in black T-shirt escorts me to party. He stops by room with female prostitutes first.
February 12 dream: Dad shows us “family retreat” house he bought for us. We drive in in a sailboat. I think: “Well you gotta have a family before you have a family retreat house.”
February 11, 2019: In ’til 3ish. Walk by Philz on Ocean. Followed cute Asian guy into Philz. As I was entering, another good-looking young man came along and we locked eyes. (Relates to hawk from hier in G.C.P. as I looked backwards?) Jordan at C.B. I met her at 24th Street C.B. in 2012. Walk thru G.C.P. MSU on Juanita. (*See diary of February 2.) As I reach peak of Mt.D., hawk flies directly overhead. Then notice another hawk sitting in tree as I descend. Get off #43 bus two stops early. Then run into cute guy at City College stop. Idea: Like the idea of divorcing family, from video of a few days ago by same guy who did video about sons being sexually abused by their mothers (Daniel Mackler). Remember how I could never sleep at cousin Leigh’s place.
February 11 dream: Hitting people in my lucid dreams, just because I could.
February 11 dream: Fire on top of Mt.D.
February 11 dream: Trying to leave party with my _____, but I have no pants and no keys.
February 11 dream: Working with AOC. I had made a demonstration at a big house.
February 11 dream: Getting up drunk from a crazy nite of truth-telling with J.
February 10, 2019: Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk on accidentally looking back. Trip and fall on Mt.D. Guy on #43 as I get off. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Capitalism requires community and competition and leads to democracy and cooperation. My conclusion: Truth is the capital/principal at the base of everything, the attributes of which provide the basis of community, cooperation and our own found Self-rule.
February 10 dream: Hard-on dream about something.
February 10 dream: 33-year-old student(?) getting paid again. (h.o.)
February 9, 2019: In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph there. I share Alabe.com with him so he can do his own astro chart. Two insights at C.B.: “I am not a respectable person.” quote from Joe Rogan. From Sarno’s Mindbody Prescription book: Medical authorities don’t believe emotions can cause physical pain. If they did, it would be a lot easier for me to accept as well. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D., thinking about dependence as an attribute of a person with TMS. So I asked myself: Okay, what’s the obverse of dependence? Well, independence. So I did the 6th and 7th steps of Translation: Let there be Independence. And there is Independence. Then I thought: Well, who am I claiming independence from. My father came to mind. Then it occurred to me: Maybe I need to claim independence from J. as well. Just then, nearing the peak of Mt.D., I pass a little girl trailing behind her parents. They call out to her: “Sophia.” Sophia means wisdom. I think the Universe was agreeing with my idea about independence from J. On top of Mt.D, a large beautiful rainbow. Then at the base of Mt.D., a #36 bus. Numerologically 36 = 3 + 6 = 9. One of the things the number 9 symbolizes is endings. Go to Safeway. Myka not there. At last minute Steven opens up a line. It was nice talking with him even if it was only about his tape ribbon running out. Then Myka joins us as a bagger (*Relates to Mt.D. hawk form hier? Myka was the hawk. Also rainbow from hier?) Accidentally run across “Sexual Abuse of Sons by Mothers” on YouTube. Author says you don’t even have to be touched to be abused. Never heard that before and I really needed to. Insight: Backbone. Maybe my back trouble comes from not having the backbone to stand up to my mother. Observation: Sleeping with hand around my throat. It felt like the right place but not sure why.
February 9 dream: Thane and others at big high-level party. It’s wrapping up and I’m relieved.
February 9 dream: Write thee pages. It is turned into a book.
February 8, 2019: In ’til 3ish. Walk up to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Kind of rainy. Hawk after the peak. Walk to G.P. Big rainbow on the way. Zeph at C.B. We talk about astrology. #23 and #43 home. Insight: “Oberhaus” is my slave name.
February 8 dream: J. finds my secret apartment. So I sent him one, too.
February 8 dream: I have an upcoming date with AOC so I’m reading a book about her past loves along with some applicable novels.
February 8 dream: Helicopter explodes. People fall out. Big ship on the bay explodes. Boss at work is being unreasonable. Women workers calmly plan to confront her.
February 8 dream: My father going down to SF Bay to get something from the fridge. He says he wants to study the heads of people who have never had sex. And indeed there were two heads of young men floating in the bay. I wondered how he knew they’d never had sex.
February 8 dream: Lots of naked young men and woman in gym, I think.
February 7, 2019: Anonymous call at 1:30 pm. In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. I check out gay DVD. He gets excited when I ask him about his T-shirt. #43 to Arizmendo. Walk to Peet’s Cole Street. See Michigan State T-shirt. (*Relates to Dr. Schubiner’s TMS program at MSU. I interpret this as a sign from the Universe that I have TMS, emotionally-induced pain.) Was going to take #43 home, but #37 came first so I took #37 into Castro. Then #35 right away. Almost shirtless guy on #35 got us all very excited. Then #36 right away. Then had to run to catch #43. Stop by Pokihub on Ocean for veggie salad and cute baristo. Then home.
February 7 dream: Working in the Castro, I go to Foley’s for a book. Two others go a block away for it. I call on phone first. Fiona Ma at Foley’s answers the phone. I forget the name of the book. Guy signals book name to me while I’m on the phone. He’s touching his ears of his earphones.
February 7 dream: Big celebration dinner. I was so busy preparing and so happy, I didn’t get a chance to eat. So after, some friends got me a meal from food they had saved. Jimmy Dore there. Only 6 of 12?
February 7 dream: Winning over back pain like winning a war.
February 6, 2019: My Salesforce friend at 101. Max and Lillianna at Super Duper. Two hours at Rincon. On way home, I don’t really want to stop by J’s store. Young boy on Muni. I say to myself: “If he gets off at Castro, I’ll get off, too.” Surprisingly, he gets off. I wait for #35 in front of J’s store at 19th and Castro. Young woman with leopard-skin shoes makes eyes at me. (*Relates to shits from hier and red-tailed hawk from February 4?) #35 to G.P. Boy sitting near me with “Disappointed” T-shirt. (*Relates to me being disappointed that it was the girl rather than J. who swooped towards me?) Then guy (the boy I followed off of Muni) sitting to my left playing a game called “Exposed” on his laptop. Zeph at C.B. Female barista from hier was named Jordan. Big gas explosion in S.F.
February 6 dream: Depressed child told she has to clean up something in her room/house. Then she has turnaround. Now I’m worried about her horse.
February 6 dream: On train traveling thru Missouri, I know everyone on board but their doors are shut so I leave them alone. Talk to one guy whose door is ajar.
February 6 dream: Arrive in Portland, Oregon. Take a few photos. Lots of new construction going on.
February 6 dream: Cenk and AOC walking by, saying hello. I feel they may have a job for me. Someone orders a large cheese omelette. I wonder how they can eat so much.
February 5, 2019: Shits at about 3pm. In ’til 3ish. Nice day. Cute Latino worker on Circular Avenue. New barista at C.B. I remember her from the Cafe Bello on 24th Street. And her boyfriend Eugene. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear hawk. Then Mt.D. Then home. Snow on top of T.P. at 3 am, according to the news. RHS: “I’m getting away with murder just by being here. I don’t deserve it. I did nothing to deserve it. Therefore I’m stealing and I should be punished.”
February 5 dream: Lived in really nice mansion, only as soon as you got to our apartments, the floor was suddenly in need of a paint job.
February 5 dream: Trying to write simple sentence but pen keeps going nuts. Someone says reason I can’t do something is ’cause I’m common.
February 5 dream: Taking final exam in French. Handsome, well-built guy says his 2nd dog, a black one, is for sale.
February 4, 2019: In ’til 2ish. Hail on walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Loud black woman sits next to me at C.B. for about an hour. Made it hard to read. Told myself: “There is a solution here!” Went to bathroom. Came back. She made loud snorting noise. I snorted back. She immediately looked up. Then went back to talking on her phone. Other girl smiles at me. Walk to G.C.P. It hails a bit there, too. Walk to Mt.D. Meet Heather (and her dog Sam) on top. She’s a freelance reporter. Her husband worked for the N.Y. Times. Red-tailed hawk while we are talking. Go to Safeway. Cute straight(?) guy in flip-flips there.
February 4 dream: My shirt and khaki pants weren’t ironed enough, according to Tom O., so I asked him to iron them. He began by making a hamburger.
February 4 dream: Giving a talk, quoting from a book called Alliance. I get lost.
February 4 dream: In Europe, I think: “I know. I’ll teach in Europe.” Four comically uninviting elevator openings.
February 3, 2019: In ’til 3ish. Pass by my gay Asian friend in front of Ocean Avenue hardware store. Run into cute guy (looks like Jesus in a hoodie) from Ocean and Lee to Ocean and San Jose. Car almost runs into me at Circular Avenue and Baden Street. Meet Jake, a 6th grade teacher, at C.B. He thinks there should be school therapists available for each student at least one hour per week. What a great idea! Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Camper on Mt.D. has moved away. Obnoxious hetero couple on top of Mt.D. Two new guys at W.F. Young woman talks to me on stairway on way home . . . which is unusual. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Watching others play games is living vicariously. My conclusion: Truth is alive, otherless, always on watch, always a safe bet; inescapable health, wealth and happiness, for which there is no substitute.
February 3 dream: Laura H. with those “Oberhaus muscles.” She really was strong. At very nice house. (h.o.)
February 3 dream: Several women showed interest in a hitchhiker who felt he had to leave ’cause it was Thursday. He asked God for help. God said, “Well, you’ve got to make the right moves, too.”
February 3 dream: Prosperos brochure titled “Wemet” which were the tenets of the school. The original title had been whited out.
February 2, 2019: In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Get caught in downpour. Seth at C.B. He asks me my name. Then I learn his name is really Zeph (as in Zephaniah). Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Myka and Steven at Safeway. Steven is stocking same shelf (near checkout lines) as last week. Myka smiles at me as I enter, then was gone when I went to check out. Caught him taking a break, sitting on bench just outside main door. We talk briefly, mostly about the Mueller investigation.
February 2 dream: Leave house and work and come back with blue marked pieces of rock to indicate they had been changed.
February 2 dream: On train trying to escape tidal wave. Run into people working for the same firm only in the suburbs. Cute security guard. Hope somebody would mention that. They joked about his giving them a hard time if they’re late. Person says: “It’s a whole different thing working in the suburbs then in the city.” Before: several other waves nearly ruining the important papers I was carrying.
February 2 dream: I’m part of Mexican drug gang in L.A. Zip code 94810. Bruce Dern there. We drive thru streets fast in his crazy colorful buses.
February 1, 2019: Anonymous call at 9am-ish and at 1pm-ish. In ’til 3ish. Rainy day. Henry at library. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. he’s so sweet, not just to me, but to many. Walk thru G.C.P. More rain. Then Mt.D. Guy in tent on walk up hill. Trip and fall on stairs on way home.
February 1 dream: Made a promise near the Berlin Wall in 1968. It somehow relates to woman boss not telling me when I can come into work next week. One senator(?) says: “I’m your mother. You can come in on Thursday nite.”
February 1 dream: Guy I’m walking with asks me if I’m built like a wrestler. I say, “No, but I do like to wrestle.” He sees guy he saw earlier and starts talking to him.
February 1 dream: My roommate’s wife lives in Saratoga. Her name is Pulger. She’s a plumber. I had gotten some note about Saratoga. (*Relates to email from Saratoga High School reunion committee I opened on February 2?)
February 1 dream: It’s my last day on the job. Woman co-worker applying ointment to my chest. She’s had back pain for 4 years. I know it’s going to be tough leaving my male boss tomorrow.
January 31, 2019: Anonymous call 3:10-ish. In ’til 3:10ish. #43 to Arizmendi. Pick up gluten-free bread. N to Cole Street. Guy on N I talked to. He was reading Hillary Clinton’s “What Happened.” Rude older couple outside at Peets Cole Street. Finish chapter of Divided Mind. #43 home. Get off at City College stop. Cute guy smiles at me. I fallow him to W.F. He buys one bottle of wine and walks out. Isaiah at check-out counter. Insight: I’m such a hypochondriac ’cause I think it’s coming to me for my egocentric response to my mother being shot to death in front of me. I thought: “It’s beginning. I’m going to be famous.”
January 31 dream: All settled in with new house.
January 30, 2019: Go to 101 with JF. Pretty good day. Maybe people knew we had updated our flyers. My Asian friend at 101. Blake and Lillianna at Super Duper. Blake heads back to Maryland for a year to go to school. Leaves Saturday. Made me sad. More than two hours at Rincon, catching up on my reading. Take K to Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store at 19th & Castro. (*Relates to shits from hier around 4:30pm at C.B.? Also to four hawks at G.C.P. hier?) Stop by C.B. Seth there. It was full when I got there so I moved on. But Seth looked happy to see me, so I returned and found a table right away. Nice boy at #23 bus stop got up to give me his seat. Catch #43 right away. Jesse waves at me from Railroad Expresso as I get on bus. Woman bus driver very nice to me. I immediately freak out (internally). How will I ever pay her back? (*Relates to how I felt about my mother when she would do nice things for me? Also to my back pain?) Realization: There is no God. We’re on our own. Also: My back pain is my desire to get rid of J. in my life. He is the pain in my back!
January 30 dream: Getting all the addresses to fit on 2nd page (h.o.)
January 30 dream: Second weekend of workshop wraps up. Our two boxes of plans were taken. I’m talking with woman as we walk out.
January 30 dream: At volunteer work party. Rick T. is handing down books as I hand them up. I get mad at him so he doesn’t confuse the two. Thane is there on crutches. He seems happy. I don’t care what he thinks of me.
January 29, 2019: Anonymous call at 9sm-ish. Rick Thomas calls about last nite and we talk quite a while. In ’til 3ish. Walk to C.B. Owners there. Cute young schoolboy (sucking on lollipop) smiles at me on Circular Avenue. Guy at C.B. I see later at Chenery and Diamond. Shits at C.B. about 4:30ish. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear hawks. Then see 3 or 4 circling in the sky. Walk to Mt.D. Then home. Realize earth-shaking noise from my upstairs neighbor may relate to arrogant millennial at C.B. hier. (*Relates to dream of being robbed of January 16?)
January 29 dream: Recorded a minute of two of classical piano music for our wait.
January 29 dream: “Gestapo Joe” created to save us.
January 28, 2019: In ’til 1:30ish. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. Arrogant male and female millennial at table next to me. Read more Divided Mind. Walk to G.C.P and Mt.D. Young guy riding bike on narrow rail in G.C.P. RHS my mother and father and myself. Concluded that I acted like a well-behaved pet dog as a child. In p.m. really not interested in attending Thane’s 11th Hour Dispatch. I felt like pet dog saying to its masters, “I’m just not interested in this any more.” Later, Hanz called. He couldn’t quite accept that I’d left the group. Actually I had been thinking about doing this for quite a while. I think I am what Dr. Sarno calls a “goodist.”
January 28 dream: Dave Braun to be at weekend event in now newly empty hotel. I’m supposed to be the caretake for the weekend. Some arrogant millennials hanging around
January 28 dream: Woman making a shopping list for the house but I’m not sure she’ll be one of the new tenants.
January 28 dream: My wrestling hold seems to be too strong for other guy.
January 27, 2019: In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Cute Latino skateboarder and I exchange passing glances at Balboa Skatepark. Cute guy at C.B. as I was leaving. Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. While thinking I’d like to live in a community where people know me, guy on Coventry Court turns around and smiles at me. Cute Filipino(?) guy I made a point of noticing as he passed by me in W.F. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Concentration of wealth and information unbalances the commonwealth of individuals and communities. My conclusion: Truth is a diffuse, indivisible, Self-informed community of well-being (commonwealth), construing/elucidating Itself perfectly and equally.
January 27 dream: Red racing bike leaning up against J’s boarded-up store at 19th and Castro.
January 27 dream: Undercover, undergoing medical exam. Hope I won’t get discovered.
January 27 dream: Try to send SASE for housing. It turns into fax machine. Then small European car. Before: two beautiful black-haired guys smiles at me as I walk thru grocery store.
January 26, 2019: BART to Berkeley. Blond guy on Fulton Street. Slow-walking guy on Fulton, then Bancroft, who gave me the eye – twice. I walked up Bancroft on the other side. Go to ZeeZee Copy. Then Cafe Blue Door on way back. Woman smiles unexpectedly at me. Then I see tall guy in muscle T-shirt who I go ga-ga over. He sits down at table immediately next to where I had put my things. Then young woman came by to see him. They talked about mathematics. I think he was her tutor. Don’t know what my impact on him was, but I had some sort of impact. Take AC bus back to SF. Heavy traffic on the bridge and in SF. Due to “Right to Life” march? Walk from Temporary Transbay Terminal to Castro and Market. Walk by 440 Club. Then wait for #35 in front of J’s store at 19th and Castro. (*Relates to slipping and almost falling hier on Mt.D.?) Looks like J’s bike outside. Guy in ’69 VW bus drives by on Castro. We exchange glances. He smiles at me. Then motions with his fingers for me to smile back. I smile. #35 and #36 to Safeway. Myka not there. But Steven is. As I’m finishing up with Edwin at checkout stand, my butt suddenly feels “self-conscious.” In retrospect, I think it was because Steven was stocking shelves nearby.
January 26 dream: “Mike & Mike vs. Mike & Mike.” Tom O.(?) being warned not to come out of the closet and scare Gamma. None of us will put up with that. Eating one too many chocolate chip cookies. (h.o. but also exhausted)
January 26 dream: Exploring sex with someone (h.o.)
January 26 dream: J. in circle of guys talking about sex. Asked if he would finger me, he said, “Yes.” About guy next to me, “Probably not.” About cute guy next in line, J. said, “Yes.” And I thought, “I would, too.” J. called himself a sexual denialist. I said, “What does that mean?” Then as he was explaining, I woke up.
January 25, 2019: In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Then C.B. Read from Sarno’s Divided Mind. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Slip and almost fall on Mt.D. Stop by Orchid Cafe. Manager seemed upset. Place was almost empty. Then on to Pakwan resto. Girl there liked me.
January 25 dream: Something about gasoline being invisible.
January 24, 2019: In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. I ask him: “Is everybody happy at the library?” He says, “I don’t know how to answer that question.” Walk to G.P. Natalie at C.B. Read from The History of Childhood. Horrible “contraction” on getting up from chair. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Then home.
January 24 dream: Top generals agree on procedure, even Romney. (h.o.)
January 24 dream: “The [Prospers] Center is no long the Center.” But we still send reports there anyway.
January 24 dream: Woman’s bra floating in the pool.
January 23, 2019: 101 with JF. Blake and Lillianna at Super Duper. Two hours at Rincon. After, I’m thinking at least my severe back pain is temporary. Guy in restroom smiles at me as I think that. Try to stop by to see Aunt Joanne at W.P. again. She’s out again. Shits on getting home about 5pm. Anonymous call at 7pm-ish.
January 23 dream: Me and others making operatic love to my mother and two other women. We are injured as a result.
January 23 dream: Spending the night at Cathy Tackaberry’s house in L.A. before I drive back in her car. She lives right on the ocean.
January 23 dream: “Error code 3107_____. God’s . . . “
January 22, 2019: Beautiful guy getting off #29 at SFSU. Go to yoga. Worst part was laying down on my back in the beginning. Lucia kind of insisted on it. When Lucia asked if anybody didn’t want to be touched, I raised my hand. Still very close to Lucia, but I think our relationship has changed (as has my relationship with my mother. I no longer feel so obliged to make her feel good about trying to make me feel good. Asian Mike told me about his back pain which just went away after the muscles healed. That was a novel idea to me. Notice Jimmie from Monday night group is there. After, woman I had been so impressed with on October 9 was not as impressive. Walk thru G.G.P. Pass Fred Cline on 9th Avenue. He’s out front criticizing young people with an older friend. Then on to Arizmendo. Still no glutton-free pumpkin muffing. Anonymous phone message from 3:02 p.m.
January 22 dream: Buy two Bernie Sanders books. One is a sort of Science and Healthy by Bernie Sanders.
January 22 dream: Meet sexy woman who I’m practically dancing with. I ask her, “Where are you from?”
January 21, 2019: Anonymous call at 1ish. In ’til 3ish. Beautiful day. Walk by sushi place next to Philz. Thinking my tulpa from hier might work there. Some other cute guy. Walk to G.P. Seth there. Think of going to yoga tomorrow. When Lucia asks if anyone objects to being touched (which she always does), I’ll raise my hand. Then RHS my mother for feeling I always have to hold her up. (Thus my back pain?!?) Thane’s 11th Hour Dispatch in p.m.
January 21 dream: Some sort of graduation ceremony. When we walked in, they said our doubles were over there. All sorts of diplomas.
January 21 dream: Calvin working secretly on project about railroads. Me out of clean underwear.
January 21 dream: Calvin bought two new homes, one like a ranch.
January 21 dream: Hanging out with beautiful men I never have sex with and people I really don’t care about. Look for my hair brush and finally find it and think about taking a cross-country trip. Wondering which camera I should take.
January 20, 2019: In ’til 2:30ish. See cute black-haired guy crossing Lee and Ocean. He smiles at me. I smile back. I watch him go into Philz. I go to library. Then stop by Philz on way back. Can’t find him. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. Get anonymous call at 4:30ish there. Walk thru G.C.P. It starts raining. I wait for #36. Try to avoid woman on walker who is waiting with me. When the bus comes, I assume she will be getting on, but she was just using the bus shelter for protection from the rain and wind. Take #36 to Monterey. Pass by June cutting hair. #43 home. Barney Miller sitcom on YouTube mentions 170 sandwiches (see dream of January 16.) Translation group in p.m.: Sense testimony: Harming others in order to win is immoral. My conclusion: Truth is immediate possession, automatic winning; the same throughout the Universe; whose ethic is wholeness, completeness, perfection, oneness.
January 20 dream: Woman accuses me of not supporting efforts of high school band. I do support them, but I’m just not a fundamentalist like she is. Big crowd. High school band from Mexico enters at end.
January 20 dream: Sweeping up meeting site on street. Then lots of rushing water. It’s a river with beautiful blue water. Then I’m on motor bike being driven by somebody else. We’re three hours away from start. And we have to take narrow path in the mountains.
January 19, 2019: In ’til 3ish. Henry and other cute Asian guy at library. Walter L. on bike on Ocean on my way to G.P. Guy with cute butt at C.B. Not sure he appreciated my attentions. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Then cute, well-built guy getting into his car on Melrose Avenue. Then Steven and Myka at Safeway. I told Myka I was worried my credit card may not work. He said we’d be able to work something out. Insight: Realized my father didn’t want me to be happy. Therefore back pain from yoga. Also my first trip to Paris when I asked myself: “Will I really be allowed to do this?” Then came back with melanoma.
January 19 dream: I’m having pea soup, talking to Jeff B. who is trying to get to sleep. (h.o.)
January 19 dream: Cleaning shit off floor, etc. Calvin interrupts me. Then Derek interrupts me.
January 19 dream: Woman offering us different sorts of blueberry desserts at resto.
January 18, 2019: Go to VA Podiatry. Run into Jackie on way out. She passes me on my way downstairs. And as she passes, shows me her Jennifer Lopez ass, which I’d never seen before. After, walk thru G.G.P. to Arizmendi Bakery on 9th Avenue. They didn’t have the muffins I was looking for. #43 home. Two or three very cute young Asian high school students. One kept falling asleep on me in back seat. See Justin at W.F. Then at W.F. cafe. Then in my apartment complex, carrying a pizza box. Either he lives here, or he’s visiting someone here or delivering pizza to someone here. My debit card didn’t work at W.F. Called them up and they said they stopped payment because someone had tried to fraudulently use it. Read more Divided Mind.
January 18 dream: Everyone drives out for overnight family wedding. I’m glad I just have to drive back to L.A.
January 18 dream: Ruth Backlund, Livia M. and two other women thank me for paying them back today.
January 18 dream: Calvin H. about to go to counseling session.
January 17, 2019: In ’til 2ish. Mary at library. Walk to G.P. Natalie at C.B. Table full of three middle-aged women next to me. Me having all sorts of sexual fantasies about them. Read Divided Mind by John Sarno. Walk thru .G.C.P. Guy with really tight pants on. I follow him ’til he kisses his male companion. Walk to Mt.D.
January 17 dream: I head up Democratic Party at work. Our boss doesn’t think that the Democrats stand up for the middle class.
January 17 dream: Get in argument with Barry Bram about cleaning up the work place. Then we just start cleaning it up.
January 16, 2019: In ’til 12:30ish. Go to Rincon. See Charles on K on the way. Then see him at Starbucks on Market on the way. Lianna at Super Duper. Two hours at Rincon. Then stopped by Starbucks and talked with Charles briefly. He’s still at City College. Taking business classes. Hoping to transfer to UC. I told him about my “Imaginary Interviews” on YouTube. He went to back room. While I was trying to get my Imaginary Interview online on my cell, woman comes in and takes my latte and somebody else’s pastry. Fort Collins and “May 1” mentioned online in p.m.
January 16 dream: Sent off request to give class. Not sure I had right address. Others sent emails as well.
January 16 dream: Trying to add 1 + 1 to get to 2. Somebody had put in 170 above. Guys follow me up to floor where I live. When I see them, I realize they are robbers. I rush to my apartment (#172?). Can’t open it in time. So when guy catches up to me, I throw keys in the bushes. I yell “Help” but it barely comes out of my mouth. Wake up.
January 16 dream: Me (and others?) stripping beautiful guy of his pants.
January 15, 2019: In ’til 1ish. Rainy day. Go to G.P. Seth at C.B. Also Walter L. Read from Sarno’s “Divided Mind.” Anonymous call at 6:40 p.m. Ray Donovan: “After the pain, there’s love.”
January 15 dream: Have some sort of funeral. Everyone says I look a lot better.
January 15 dream: Trip and almost fall.
January 15 dream: Drive off cliff, but get help from lady of the house.
January 15 dream: About to take a shower at Leigh’s. I warn everybody I’m about to get naked. House in lovely neighborhood with view of green hills. I want to move there.
January 14, 2019: In ’til 2ish. Go to C.B. Seth there. Was going to walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D., but it began raining so I walk up Mangels Street instead. Thane’s 11th Hour (Lesson #2) in p.m. 8 of us present. One of Thane’s comments: “Understanding will only come to you at the place where you started.”
January 14 dream: In military, in foreign country, dependent on their promises.
January 13, 2019: Go to Assembly District 19 meeting. Woman there likes me and vice versa. Go to McD’s with JF afterwards. Young woman at C.B. who smiles at me. Seth there, too. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Realize emotion my back pain may be trying to protect me from is my emerging heterosexuality. Starting with feelings that emerged at my yoga class with Lucia.
January 13 dream: Fire alarm in wing of building. This time it’s real.
January 13 dream: Giving directions to woman so they can go apologize to them. She’s been drinking.
January 13 dream: Working in Marin. Computer takes over my project. I get help from my temporary work mate. Management gives him book about Mrs. Sarno who is a great woman who works for us. I don’t get one. Try to catch bus back to the city. I catch a #49.
January 12, 2019: Walk to C.B. New girl barista there. Walk thru G.C.P. Down Terasita to Safeway. Myka/Steve both there. Nice to see them again. Finish Healing Back Pain.
January 12 dream: Guy with tiny hands trying to take my apartment. He had the wrong apartment number. I loved him anyhow.
January 11, 2019: AOL disallows me sending out BB updates as a protection against spam, they say. Oh, and I forgot to send out email to Jean re my mother. In ’til 12:30ish. Go to VA. See Jackie there. Also beautiful Asian woman at pharmacy. (*Relates to shits from hier about 3pm?) Sweat, sandy-haired guy getting on #38 on way home.
January 11 dream: Me relaxing a bit. And having fun.
January 11 dream: Listening to KQED. Change beck so people who just came in can hear from the beginning.
January 11 dream: Barbara Hill asks if I want to be general manager. Later I say OK. And she says, “Okay, but only because you don’t understand the overall system.” In very nice coastal part of San Francisco.
January 10, 2019: “This is the last stop.” message on J train on way downtown. Go to French Class for Madame Morel’s discussion, en francais, of Paris during the Occupation. Cute black female receptionist. Shits at Keycafe on Polk Street. Guy on Hayes likes my TYT T-shirt. Note in window of J’s store at 19th & Castro. Can’t quite read it from #35 bus. Go to C.B. Natalie there.
January 10 dream: New woman comes in. She asks about the sleeping arrangements.
January 10 dream: Phil Fukuda waving from a distance, ready to get back to work.
January 9, 2019: In ’til 3ish. Beautiful black man with huge Afro. I see him at Ocean and Lee. Then get off #29 when I see him again. He smiles at me as I get off bus. Cute white guy on J. Gets off at Powell. Looks around like he’s lost. Guy at Super Duper who looks like Josh from Crazy Ex Girlfriend. Go to Rincon. Nice odor on leaving.
January 9 dream: Job interview with new tech company. They put me thru a lot of paces just to get to the interview site. They really went through my whole life. Seemed the whole company was there.
January 8, 2019: Jean’s life reading. My response to my mother: “Too little. Too late. I don’t want your support from the other side, and frankly, I can’t feel your support from the other side, which is exactly how I remember my childhood. When I shared with you my dream of somebody trying to suffocate me, I think that person was you. Maybe not actually trying to suffocate me, but at least emotionally trying to suffocate me. And your mother’s support? She specifically wrote into her will that Tom and I were to get nothing, all because she was mad at my father for not letting her see us. And speaking of men, I do have a man in my life who’s kind of like Dad, entering my life backwards. But I love him, and that’s enough for me for the moment. You brought your disturbed family history into our family. Your real father abandoned you and your foster father apparently raped you and that had no effect on your own family of a husband and two sons? And that’s what I was looking for, some acknowledgement of what happened in our family, or what didn’t happen. So I’m glad everything’s fine for you on the other side, but I’ve still got to deal with my rocky past which partly includes your rocky past. But I’ve got to recognize my own childhood commitments to you. So I thank you for giving me this opportunity to say, No more support please. No more love. No more looking over my shoulder. I’ll take it from here. You can go about your own business and I’ll go about mine. And let’s hope that somewhere in that business we find and access and utilize the divinity within all of us.” Take couple of hour nap afterwards. Then walk to C.B. Same new female barista there. And others.
January 8 nap dream: Trip to France is still on.
January 8 nap dream: Getting a little too close to group of men I’m not sure I wanted to be with.
January 8 dream: New younger sister and her puppy Martha. Both very cute.
January 8 dream: Church shut down for being too “bright.” Some people happy about that.
January 7, 2019: Woke up late again, but did a little release of my mother, realizing that she was only an out-picturing of my own distrust of this world as compared to the world where I came from: God, heaven, whatever you want to call it. In ’til about 2:30 pm. Walk to G.P. New barista at C.B. Very cute, friendly woman. Walk to Safeway. Cute guy entering home on Monterey. We exchange glances. Friendly checkout girl at Safeway. Talk with Jesse briefly while waiting for #43. Thane’s “11th Hour Dispatch” in p.m. I found him off-putting, to say the least.
January 7 dream: Asking Uncle Nick for help with my back. He takes me to his bedroom and lays on my back. We hold hands.
January 7 dream: After woman friend gets help from guy she doesn’t know, she invites him over for beer and a movie at 8pm the next night.
January 6, 2019: Rainy day. Go to Walgreen. Then W.F Then home. TR group in p.m. Sense testimony: Structural distortion causes pain and may oppose rehabilitation. My conclusion: Truth/Wholeness is unopposed, unopposable, undisturbable, the only Cause, the only Effect, effortlessly rehabilitating Itself at every moment. Melissa wanted to open up general conversation as to what I was doing for my back pain. I shut that down.
January 5, 2019: Get up at 11:45 am. Kind of drugged from NyQuil I took last nite. Go to drug store, then W.F. Then home. Rainy day.
January 5 dream: Woke up in the middle of the night. I couldn’t breath. It felt like someone was trying to suffocate me. Was it my mother?
January 4, 2019: From Pam R.: The word back is defined as “the side of something that points away from the direction of movement.”In ’til 3pm. Seth at C.B. He brought my drink over to my table. Walk thru G.P. to Mt.D. Beautiful guy with two dogs on Chaves. Orange cat on Mt.D. Cute gay guy with 3-year-old dog on top of Mt.D. His dog wouldn’t jump up to pedestal to see the view of the city. I said, “Looks like the view is not that important to her.” He said, “I don’t blame her. It’s a big jump.” Whole Foods loudspeaker: “Wishing you a happy new year and a happy new you.” Prepare questions for my mother and father for Tuesday’s reading with Jean M. Get sick in p.m., I think in preparation for reading on Tuesday.
January 4 dream: Detectives wrapping up the case and leaving town.
January 3, 2019: In ’til 3:30ish. Go to Arizmendi Bakery. They’re still Muffin Nazis – only one person to help out a whole roomful of customers. Go to Peets on Cole Street. Cute barista named Daniel there. Much back pain. Tell JF I cannot join him for SF Berniecrats in p.m. Bratty kids on bus on way home, fighting over candy from Mama. Finally I yell out, “I want some!” They quieted down. Probably relates to my childhood (and my back pain). I would never have had the nerve to be that bratty (at least openly). Maybe I mentioned this before: My solution to the race problem was to get a black boyfriend to fuck me for seven months. My resolution to my family problem was to allow my mother to fuck me, so to speak. ’til she was killed when I was 8 years old. Then I allowed by father to fuck me, so to speak, ’til I left the Navy. Never opened up for the option of my own joy. My happiness would equal disaster for family balance. This all relates to J., Cree, etc., etc., etc. and my back pain. One of the most profound experiences I ever had in my life took place one afternoon in the ’70s. A group of us were talking in the hallway at the 1441 4th Street Prosperos center in Santa Monica, CA. I had said that I was trying to figure out what somebody else wanted in a particular situation rather than what I wanted. Billye said something to me that clicked. Billye said to me, “You always do that.” And in my head there seemed to be a literal clicking as I went backward in time and applied this insight to incident after incident from my past.
January 3 dream: Nancy and Laurie and Leigh(?) think it’s a lot of fun to spray water at Tom’s sleeping bag. I turn it on them. They ask if I think they should clean the back steps. I say, “I don’t give a shit.”
January 3 dream: Imagine in my dream getting together with J. in the streets of Paris.
January 2, 2019: Anonymous call at 9:15 am-ish. 101. Came up with expression TMJ: Too Much Joy in place of TMS: Too Much Shit or Tension Myoneural Syndrome. Guy at 101 tells me twice, “You live in heaven” (vis-a-vis the corruption in Brazil and Venezuela.) Go to Castro after Rincon. Then to G.P. Bus driver at one points asks, “Do I turn right here?” There’s only three of us on the bus. From the back seat, I yell, “Yes.” Seth at C.B. He downplays his farewell to me from hier. After, waiting for #23, strange woman yells at invisible entity near her, “Get off me! Get off me!” And she physically tries to get away. Later I realize maybe that was meant for me. The hidden emotion I no longer allow myself to feel: that I’m stuck with J. for the rest of my life. I moved out of state in ’92 to try to get away from him. He followed me there. By ’97, when I recall feeling the first pains in my side, I knew I had no hope of escape, so I moved one block away from where he lived. When I began yoga a few months ago, I hoped I could finally loosen up my lower back muscles. Only things got worse. Because I still had the unacceptable state of affairs I was trying to hide from myself. Only my body wouldn’t allow me to forget my pain. It only intensified it. So my pain, on the one hand, being trapped by J. and, on the other hand, forever losing him.
January 2 dream: Dropped some toothpicks. My job was to take care of them. Someone asked me if I wanted a job where I could always be the same person. I said no.
January 2 dream: Front door is open. Someone is standing there. I panic and take off my shirt(?) before I respond to him.
January 2 dream: Woman in clear swimming pool with big hair not happy with men. Diagonal line of naked women and men swimming towards me. The tits of Missy Mae touch me. Everyone giggles.
January 2 dream: Three good-looking guys come to our place. Lots of excitement (real and feigned) among the women. One of the guys had some freshly baked pies. I ask him if he baked them himself. He says yes.
January 1, 2019: Kitchen light on when I get up. Strange. Do bills and BB. In ’til 3ish. Seth at C.B. As I left, he turned around from what he was doing to say good-bye to me. (*Relates to big hawk from hier?) Anonymous call at about 7:45 pm. Came up with alternative meaning of John Sarno’s acronym TMS: Too Much Shit.
January 1 dream: Practicing law, writing an argument. I moved down two seats to accommodate somebody. Maureen and Kathleen M. both there. I convinced one of them about an idea I had about Hawaii.
January 1 dream: Want to borrow $200 from guy. He says, “I just bought you dinner.”
December 31, 2018: After searching for a cure for my back pain in Walgreens unsuccessfully, I walk to G.P. See large hawk at CCSF. Natalie at C.B. Even though she’s not attractive, she makes me feel attractive, which I like. But that puts her in a position of power over me, which I don’t like. (*Relates to my relationship with my mother?) She inadvertently tells me she’ll be getting off tomorrow at 2pm. I think of her and me and get hard. On way out of C.B. my back pain is giving me a hard time. Black woman who I had disliked immediately when I first saw her was very solicitous of me. Ongoing TR workshop in p.m. Ben joins us. Insight: Maybe I really am exceptional And I fear that I will not be able to meet everybody’s expectations. Later in p.m.: Happy that I get to take charge of my own back healing.
December 30, 2018: Realizing it’s not just the infantilizing God I created as a child, but also my infantilized view of man as well and my inflated view of myself. Later felt grateful, emotional sense that my back pain would be resolved. Went to Castro around 2:30ish. Stopped by 440 Club to bide time before 4pm dinner. Ran into Jim B. (Saw him there last time on 10/12/18.) He looked very unhealthy. Dinner party with Ricardo, Ken, Gonzolo and Antonio. Ricardo at one point, when we were talking about what we want the next year to bring, said to me: “A new boyfriend!” I agreed. Back pain very severe in pm. Realized it followed a very fun evening. I was coming out of myself (without booze) just like I did at the yoga classes. Just like I did with J. in January of /87 and Cree in Laguna Beach in ’69. Then the pain. When I realized that, the pain subsided a bit.
December 30 dream: J. explaining to someone that he is no longer interested in me or something like that.
December 30 dream: Went out to lunch. Water from bay was rising. Hang out with people at a hotel. They seemed like a fun-loving group. I asked if they were entertainers. Cathy Koslover was part of their group, I think. I asked if Cathy was part of their church. Then the mood changed. Someone gave me a bill for $3. I had forgot my wallet but I had enough change, I thought. Cathy was saying she thought she knew me.
December 29, 2018: After a wonderful night’s sleep, woke up with the term “infantilizing God” running through my head. But still feeling back pain and a few back spasms in a.m. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to Arden Wood in West Portal to visit Aunt Joanne. Found out she won’t be there ’til January 19. Go to Peets W.P. Continue reading John Sarno’s back pain book. Hot guy comes in and hangs out, waiting for his coffee. I get excited thinking about him. Shortly after, he leaves to go sit in his car. I head up Ulloa Street. Woman, son, with dog, smile at me as I’m wondering if J. could feel my excitement about guy at Peets. Walk to Mt.D. Another mother and son, both with dogs, smile at me on way down. Then Safeway. At checkout, both Steven and Myka are at adjacent checkout stands. I need to choose which one I’ll go through. At first, I choose Steven’s line but realize I cant’ do that to Myka. So I get in Myka’s line. Later Steven asks me to move my cart so he can reach something. He acts like he doesn’t know me. Miss bus stop on way home. Follow guy into W.F. Nothing. Back pain worse than ever.
December 29 dream: Working at new place. Note sure of my hours so I ask. Nice people but I’m not sure what Im’ supposed to do.
December 29 dream: Getting ready to go on a flight to London, I think. It’s 4:30 pm and the flight was scheduled to leave at 3 pm.
December 28, 2018: Got up early – 8:30 a.m.! Went to dentist’s. “Monster” homeless black guy on K on way in. Then cute Asian guy at Church Street station smiles at me. My back is much worse today and I assume it’s because I went to yoga yesterday. Had difficulty getting into and out of dentist’s chair. Walk to the Castro. Buy Chron and NY Times. Owner says beginning January 1 they will no longer sell any newspapers there. We started talking about Paris and how everybody reads the news there and newsstands were plentiful. He added that when people go to cafes in Paris, they don’t open up their laptops. Walked to G.P. Three or so women smile at me. Little child on Farnum Street calls me Poppa! Natalie at C.B. I shared table with guy who told me Bernie Sanders was related to Larry David, famous for his Bernie Sanders impression on SNL. Walked home most of the way. Took nap. Started reading Healing Back Pain, John Sarno’s follow-up to Mind Over Back Pain. He says much back pain is caused by TMS (Tension Myositis Syndrome or Tension Myoneural Syndrome) which is the unconscious mind’s way of trying to avoid unpleasant and unacceptable emotions by giving us back pain instead. As I said, I assumed my back pain was worse since I went to yoga yesterday. After reading his book, I thought maybe it was TMS. As I said hier, I was really having fun hier at yoga. And that, as I was taking a pee, I was like a little kid, excited to get back to my friends and our camaraderie. So fun was my unacceptable emotion! My first experience with side pain happened in ’97 after having had a hot chocolate. Then whenever I had anything sweet or even sweetish, like a latte, over the last 20-30 years, I would feel pain. Whenever the possibility of sex (fun) comes up, I defer. Sure this relates to my childhood and feeling that having fun would probably jeopardize my standing with my family, specifically my mother before she was killed and my father after that. Also having fun might place in jeopardy my standing as a “child of God.” (*Relates to last dream of 12/27 about guy worrying about the “shadow.” Is God the shadow? In the Imaginary Interview with Myself YouTube video I just did, I warned against giving God a personality, making God in the image and likeness of man.) Remember LSD experience of 1969: I was talking to the most beautiful man in the room at a party at Laguna Beach and then we started kissing. Later I sat on the couch and started shaking like a leaf. I was having fun and then feared for my life. Remember my high-five with J. in January of 1987. I was at the same time ecstatically happy and absolutely terrified. (*This whole realization relates to the owls (insights) over head I saw on Mt.D. on December 21 and also to the three women smiling at me earlier today, I think.)
Dream of December 28: Students at Paris academy are now treated as equals with the others.
December 27, 2018: Anonymous call at 2pm-ish. Got X’mas card from Aunt Joanne saying she has moved to Christian Science retirement home in West Portal. Go to Carl’s yoga class. Everything closed on Balboa Street. I even thought the yoga place was closed at first. Class was fun. Nothing too painful. At one point Carl asked us who had been officers. Only Greg, the goofiest one amongst us had been an officer in the U.S. Air Force. I took a pee in the restroom afterwards and couldn’t wait to get back to my comrades and our camaraderie. Walk to 9th Avenue thru G.G.P. Arizmendi Bakery closed. (Merry Christmas everybody!) Take #43 home. Cute guy at W.F. cafe watching Ju-jitsu demos on his laptop. As I examined him in passing, he smiled self-consciously. He had on big earphones. Otherwise I may have attempted to converse with him.
December 27 dream: Guy says he’ll leave the group if anybody mistreats the woman suspects. I say, “I don’t care.”
December 27 dream: Me and a guy’s sister kissing all over him. He is naked and laying on his stomach. He seems to like it. Then he says he doesn’t. He said the shadow would know.
December 26, 2018: 101 with JF. Then Max and Blake and Letticia at Super Duper. Max says, “Stay amazing.” Blake kind of ignores me. 2-1/2 hours at Rincon. Take F to Castro. Catch #35 right away to Glen Park. Seth at C.B. #23 right away. #43 pretty soon. RHS in p.m. Hear the word “Strip!” React to it. I have RHSed this many times. Feeling sexually abused by my mother in some way, but without a specific memory. Finally, I just say, “Oh, to hell with it. I don’t care what you did me.” And that seemed to do the trick. Jerk off in p.m. Causes return of some back pain.
December 25, 2018: Got up in a.m. Turned on radio which I rarely do anymore. KQED was playing the end of Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. I wept. I was most affected by the thought of Tiny Tim, who represented to me, I think, my own emotionally crippled self who was left alone in the world at my mother’s murder. (*Relates to first dream of December 22 in which Navy officers on a pier are thrown into the muddy, choppy waters of the ocean.) In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to W.P. Everything closed. Two hawks and a crow on way up Ulloa Street. Stop at Starbucks Portola Street. Meet Jason, young Asian guy who is studying to be an ultrasound technician. On top of Mt.D. several people. Two guys playing loud Christmas song. I ask, “Is that Frank?” They excitedly reply, “Yes.” Go to Orchids Cafe (Asian resto) for take-out meal. Cute guy there I had met before. Anonymous call at 8:30ish in p.m.
December 25 dream: Send out out invitation.
December 25 dream: Supposed to take some chocolate-flavored candy which may also kill us.
December 25 dream: Accidentally take woman’s cigarette pack along with barely begun letter with beautiful handwriting. Black woman nearby says, “It ‘s just a bunch of pretty lies.” Old beat-up guy tries to blame me after he got burned by his own cigarette and trying unsuccessfully to take me with him.
December 25 memory: Memory of Gary Tombleson (vis-a-vis my mother). How I didn’t want to disappoint him by going off with guy who showed interest in me after class I presented at Gary’s invitation.
December 24, 2018: Almost finished Imaginary Interview with Myself. Just one more final run-thru. Painful a.m. Walked in rain to C.B. at G.P. Natalie there. Still raining. Take #23 and #43 home. Listen to John Sarno on back pain on YouTube. Insight: My back pain may have something to do with Lucia. Maybe the forbidden feeling, the one my back pain is trying to distract me from, is my love for Lucia (or my mother)? And my hope to avoid being abandoned again. So the pain did have something to do with yoga but not in the way I thought. It had to do with my yoga teacher, not pulling muscles during yoga practice. Quitting yoga would have been a way to prevent me from experiencing the shame I felt at my mother’s death again. And also the surge of victory I felt at her death.
December 24 dream: People at party making some of us do a lot of work. I got out. Talked to father who showed me the lay of the land.
December 23, 2018: In ’til 4ish working on Imaginary Interview with Myself. Should finish tomorrow. Walk to G.P. on kind of rainy day. Seth at C.B. Walk and #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Our conscious and unconscious beliefs can make us rich or poor, sick or well. My conclusion: Truth is totally believable Consciousness, the only cause, the only effect, the only Reich, with all the accoutrements concomitant thereto; being useful, worthy, and busy, according to the will or wish of Itself.
December 23 dream: After some event, some of us go to eat at resto which features Ronald and Nancy Reagan. I say, “I’m so glad to meet you” I’m such a Republican.” Then Melissa tells them something I really did to help them.
December 23 dream: Looking to buy some mushrooms. Someone shows me all kinds of other hallucinogens.
December 23 dream: U.S. Steel wants to better its public image.
December 22, 2018: Call at 11ish. No one on the line. Drop coffee again. It doesn’t break this time. Call at 2:50 pm. No one on the line. In ’til 3ish. Seth at C.B. at G.P. Meet young Ph.D. student. He’s in first year studying comparative literature at Princeton. Studying for course in Latin. He went to SOTA (School of the Arts) in S.F. Knew of Isabelle Barbier [daughter of my cousin Leigh Barbier], “But I never spoke to her.” Walk thru G.C. to Mt.D. Then Myka at Safeway. He told me he’s working more at Safeway since his 2nd job as a paramedic was cut back due to the federal shutdown. At bus stop home, woman comes up to me and tells me of huge coyote she just saw down the street near Safeway, which apparently I just missed.
December 22 dream: People on movie set in S.F. depicting some other location. People standing in a row to block out the view of S.F. I try to get my camera so I can take a picture. Navy exercise is underway. Then called off though it is too late for many officers. They have already run down the pier into the water and many are swimming to safety. Then guy inside building with powder on him. He warns woman about it. At first she doesn’t believe it’s dangerous. Then she sees it all around her.
December 22 dream: Go to resto. Leave my bike resting against a tree. See someone take it. Go after them. Their car has an out-of-state license plate. Then car becomes a store. I go in and yell, “Bike thieves!” One of the thieves was my brother, Tom O. I tell store manager, “I don’t know what he’s doing, but that’s my brother.” Look thru wallet for my driver’s license. Then remember my key was taken yesterday and I left my driver’s license there.
December 21, 2018: Decide to get reading with Jean Malanaphy. She reaches people who have already died. I don’t know whether I believe in all that, but I need to resolve something with my mother, so one way or another, this will be good. Made good progress with Imaginary Interview with Myself. In ’til 4ish. Walk to C.B. in G.P. Seth there. Walk thru G.C. in the dark. Then thru Mt.D. in the dark with my cellphone flashlight. On way up, pass three young guys with flashlights on their way down. On top, hear owl. Then see two big birds fly over head. Owls, I presume. (On the longest night of the year, at the highest point in San Francisco.) On way down, feel someone tugging at my arm, but it might have just been the bushes. Thinking of prospective reading with my mother. And also how I used to always get fucked by Jimmie, my black boyfriend in the 70s. I was doing my part for race relations with Jimmie just as I was doing my part to stabilize my family with my mother. Me to my mother: I can no longer be your water-carrier.
December 21 dream: Went outside to hear marching band practice. Took my drum major baton with me. One little boy came up to me and said, “I don’t think I can play this. I’m too short and I’m out of breath.” There were about 10-15 students. And one adult jazz sax player.
December 21 dream: I was on a path alone. Then there was a wolf, and some bears in a stream very close. And I figured, “Well, now I’ll experience what it’s like to be eaten.” And then I was safe. Later my father(?) told me how proud of me he was . He said, “And you. You’ve been doing all kinds of things I never thought you could do.”
December 20, 2018: Hangup call at 1:45ish. Work on Imaginary Interview of Myself. In ’til 3ish. Natalie at C.B. I sit next to whiney girl. Walk thru G.C. to Mt.D. Hear scary growling noise. Then see nice man passing me on my left. I say, “HI.” (*Reminds me of the dark form I saw on Mt.D. on December 14.) Later cat on Mt.D. I flash my cellphone flash light at him. He freezes. Then, when I try to take a photo of him, he moves on. Nice young black guy on #43 on way home as I was checking out beautiful young Asian guy. Isiah at W.F. “John Harrison” on Mary’s Floyd’s GoFundMe site. (*Relates to 1am shits from hier?)
December 20 dream: Someone wakes me up by laying on top of me. I suspect it’s J.
December 20 dream: City building built with funds from BART, so says my companion. Later AOC wears a shirt, tries on another one of my old plaid shirts and looks great. (h.o.)
December 20 dream: Many of us lived in this big single room. Obama said we had to more right now and take our furniture with us. New furniture would be provided.
December 20 dream: Get off train station in Chicago to inside of beautiful church called Church Across the River. Looks like they’re setting up for a service with a brass band. I’m racing around in a wheel chair.
December 20 dream: Looking for Swiss embassy. Woman walking ahead of me offers me pills.
December 19, 2018: J. calls at 9:30 am. (*Relates to dropping coffee cup hier and not being able to go back to sleep this a.m.) Go to 101. Very sweet guy with X’mas balls necklace. 2-1/2 hours at Rincon. K to Castro. Cute young French horn player and cellist play Auld Lang Syne. I walk down Castro. Guy smiles at me excitedly as I pass 440 Club (J’s hangout). Then I realize he’s excited by my punk Bernie T-shirt. Take #35 to C.B. in G.P. See “wedding gowns” on cleaners window as I get off bus. Seth at C.B. Plays “Volare.” RHS of my family. If my mother really did sexually abuse me as it feels to be true, then the whole family took part, at least unconsciously. Maybe even my mother’s murder by a so-called friend was not as surprising as everyone made out. “Mystery light” in the sky on 10pm news. 1am shits. $125 donation to OccupySF.net via PayPal.
December 19 dream: Am moving back into dorm with Patrice Rohmer and others. My guidance counselor is black. I am half-black. (Still trying to figure how to access PayPal account.)
December 19 dream: New job working somehow in show business. My brother Tom O. (I call him Tommy) finally joins us. He shakes my hand but doesn’t look at me in the face. (He is young, dark-haired, not at all like my waking brother.) Lots of people around.
December 19 dream: Guy stops by with some dusty accessories to the camera that Tom O. gave me.
December 19 dream: Lots of beautiful women at party. One tells me I look like a movie star. I say, “So do you.” And she does.
December 18, 2018: Coffee cup falls off dresser and breaks. In ’til 1:30ish. Go to yoga. Lucia, Max, etc., there. Meet Juan. Good to see everybody again. Walk home via G.G.P. Then #29 home. In p.m. think of woman at Jordan’s wedding banquet who I connected with but went no further (after getting X’mas card from Jordan). I feel somehow in debt to Jordan.
December 18 dream: Get in fight with rich guy I’m working for.
December 17, 2018: Go to my bank in Oakland. As soon as BART goes into tube, lots of noise, loud music, scary black guy. Then he walked down the aisle and seemed kind of sweet. See Phil Diers on Broadway on way to bank. Oakland in general seemed abandoned and scary. Take NL bus back over the bridge. F to Castro right away. #35 right away. Pass by J’s store. Cute little boy gives me high-5 as he leaves. #23 right away. Talk to Jesse at Railroad Expresso. #43 right away. TR workshop in p.m.
December 17 dream: Two guys kiss.
December 17 dream: Group of people return from long trek, to my my small room. Amy Goodman dancing with guy she’s attracted to while still interviewing him. Hugh John wants to use my bathroom. I find light bulb for him.
December 16, 2018: Jerk off. In ’til 3ish. Rainy day on and off. Seth at C.B. Walk home on Monterey Blvd. Guy approaching me: African American-ish, perhaps homeless, without umbrella, kind of cute, kind of dangerous. He looks at me openly. I give him a hard look and keep walking. Another tulpa? J. calls around 6pm? Watch Michael Moore’s “Where to Invade Next.” Someone is singing Volare in the DVD just like they were singing it hier on Mt.D. Translation group sense testimony: Work ethic can result in a spasm of excessive expectations. My conclusion: Truth is limitless, infinite energy, yet with always the appropriate force and with always the appropriate expectation.
December 16 dream: Left Charlie Sheen’s dinner party ’cause it was past midnight and we still hadn’t eaten. Drove quite a way (near the beach) and realized I forgot my suitcase so had to drive back.
December 16 dream: Meet up with three Japanese guys in office building after hours. I have on new corduroy blue pants which fit me well. I say goodbye and a whole bunch of office ladies get on. Then some guys. One is surprised to see a hooker.
December 15, 2018: Do “Imaginary Interview with Myself.” About 30 minutes. In ’til 3ish. Henry at local library. Seth at C.B. in G.P. Walk thru G.C. Hawk flying to my left. Hear owl. Walk to Mt.D. Woman with dog, singing Volare (to fly). Later at peak of Mt.D., stern woman, unapproachable, alone in the dark. Another tulpa? Steven at Safeway.
December 15 dream: Laura H. trying to be friendly with me. I’m not having it.
December 15 dream: “Millions of us ran with Geronimo to be among men.”
December 15 dream: Make it to Gwyllm party by 2pm. Some naked and near naked men and women in theater group, wrestling in the rain. I look through my bag to make sure I have all my stuff.
December 15 dream: Beautiful shirtless guy kills himself, just like in DVD I saw last nite.
December 14, 2018: Shits around 2:30 pm. In ’til 3ish. Sort of rainy day. Walk to C.B. in G.P. Seth is back! Yay! Bump my head on tree in G.C. Walk to Mt.D. Realize guy in Closely Watched Trains who dies after his first sexual experience could be a metaphor for all of us. I mean, something (our childhood, our naiveté?) does die after we become sexually aware. But what if you become sexually aware before you are ready? Start RHSing my mother who I suspect of having abused me sexually. When I reach peak of Mt.D., see medium-sized black form scurry into the bushes. Think it may be tulpa of the anger I still feel about my mother. (*See dream of December 10 in which young woman wouldn’t give me a memory because I was too young.) Realizing the other side of worshiping the men in my life was that I wanted to humiliate them, to bring them down to my level. Bump on my head relates to John F. blaming me ’cause he misinterpreted notification about OccupySF website?
December 14 dream: In second Prosperos center, they have about half as big a library. This is where I am now volunteering.
December 14 dream: Woman angel floating in the air. Male angel comes up to meet her.
December 13, 2018: In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See Carl and C.J. at Philz’s patio. Decide to walk on. Help older man push large heavy box into his hallway on San Jose Avenue. Go to C.B. (*Guy there relates to calico cat on Mt. D. on December 10?) Go to G.C. Hear owl. Get excited. Continue on to Mt.D. Hear cure for my back pain on Joe Rogan YouTube with Dr. Andrew Weil: John Sarno’s book: Mind Over Back Pain.
December 13 dream: Picking through the garbage to see what I could use.
December 13 dream: Was with some guy friends. Had to take a shit. Wanted to take a shower or a bath to clean up. Told my friend I was going downtown to take a bath. Only my downtown friend lived in N.Y.
December 13 dream: Pacific islands connected to New Zealand, etc.
December 13 dream: Fly from Europe to N.Y. Get off plane and am surprised that my house is so close. Get back on plane headed for L.A.
December 12, 2018: Anonymous call around 9 am. Cute homeless guy at 101. Blake at Super Duper. 2-1/2 hours at Rincon. Blank phone message when I get home. Insight: I didn’t move to SF to be close to my father. SF was my father. (3-point shot from last dream December 10 relates to my response to Muhamed email and his response back to me.)
December 12 dream: Filling crossword puzzle while trying to understand someone on the phone.
December 12 dream: Trying to avoid my cousins for some reason. Finally, they burst in spouting off some kind of play, apparently so in character that they don’t see me.
December 12 dream: Big waves coming in. Old man and I try to get out of the way. He’s asking me about a math class which has been divided into 1-1/2 units each.
December 12 dream: At party, talking about guy who got up at 2 am to go to work. He died ’cause BART wasn’t open at 2 am.
December 12 dream: Maureen M. having trouble with her pregnancy.
December 11, 2018: In ’til 2:45ish. C.B. in G.P. See Closely Watched Trains DVD at G.P. library. It’s story of young young man in World War II who finally has his first sexual experience, only to be killed by the retreating Germans. Think it somehow relates to me. Then see truck with “One True Love” writ large on its side. J? Not sure. Walk thru G.C. Hear owl. Walk to Mt.D.
December 11 dream: My friend picks me up in his car even though my glasses are covered with paper and I can’t see. He drives me to motel. We check in. He says the assistant said she’d get a really nice room for us since we worked on the election(?)
December 11 dream: Driving to Jennifer, GA, for that small-town feel, in convertible. Big truck hits us from behind. Stops us but doesn’t hurt us. Photo shoot next. Girl wearing custom-made jeans.
December 10, 2018: In ’til 2:45ish. Walk to C.B. in G.P. Then walk thru G.C. to Mt.D. Calico cat on Mt.D. Then down home. Briefly hear owl. Remember owl from G.C. several days ago which I forgot to write down. (*Relates, I think to work and insights I’ve been having about my relationship with my mother vis-a-vis Lucia and Melissa.) Catch #43 home. Girl in front of bus looks at me intently several times. Then gets off. Then young woman who looks like AOC. Then young high school man from Riordan. Then beautiful woman on Lee Avenue. Ongoing Translation Workshop in p.m. News of San Jose’s new “Grand Central Station” really bummed me out. The SF Transbay Terminal was supposed to be the new “Grand Central Station.” Insight: My father expected loyalty. In return he would give us (Tom and I) love.
December 10 dream: Woman friend wanted to report sexual abuse. I went after her. Running out to catch her, I pushed thru several middle-aged ’50s-type women. I called her name: “Karen Porter.” I say, “Did you want to tell me something?” She says, “No.” I say, “If you ever do want to tell me something, please do.” She says, “No, you just have to be old enough.” I say, “I’m old enough!”
December 10 dream: Helping out or hoping to help out two young male writers in my new town.
December 10 dream: I see smoke. Follow it to basement where someone is using incense in some sort of cleansing ritual. Make 3-point shot in basketball.
December 9, 2018: In ’til 2:30ish. Real estate lady on Ocean Avenue giving me the eye. (*Relates to feral cat from G.G.P. on 12/6?) Walk to C.B. in G.P. As I leave, I look around and catch the eye of beautiful young blond guy. (*Relates to “murder of crows” from December 6?) Walking thru G.C. I get excited thinking about him. (*Relates to spider on his web from December 6? Me being excited as an effort to lure J. into my web?) Walk to Mt.D. Trip and almost fall in the dark on the way up. 372 Cresta Vista guy (from November 26) and his dog walking on Bella Vista. Cute guy going in to Iyengar Yoga on Monterey. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Greed fuels volatility in the personal, political, and financial milieu, threatening peace of mind. My conclusion: Truth is peace of mind; always satiated, always satisfied; fueling Itself with ever-flowing, even-flowing experience; managing Itself; accounting for Itself in every milieu; being inoppressibly One. Feel bad about Melissa ’cause I tend to bow to her wishes or what I think she might want. Just like I did with my mother.
December 9 dream: We are covered in ants, red ants. I plead with woman who is part of the establishment: “Don’t do it.”
December 9 dream: Jim Priest (high school football star) in Paris. Invites me over to his table.
December 9 dream: Being a teacher. Remind two students that they are to exchange desks on Tuesday.
December 8, 2018: In ’til 3:15ish. Walk to G.P. C.B. Walk to G.C. Cute guy in blue shorts facing me with a bent-over smile. He’s putting on his shoes and socks. (*Relates to hawk from December 6 at JF’s place?) Walk thru G.C. Feel excited. Like howling. A few minutes later I see a coyote cross my path. A few minutes later I heard him howling. Try to howl back. Walk to Mt.D. Then to Safeway. See Myka talking with fellow gay man. When I check out, Myka continued conversation we were having last week, about some 97-year-old guy who smoked and drank all his life. Waited for the #43 bus with hopes of running into June. He wasn’t there. Saw 2012 Swan Lake by Matthew Bourne on YouTube. Brought me to tears.
December 8 dream: Family reunion. It’s 10 am and everybody arrives just before I have a chance to get away.
December 8 dream: Waiting in line to apply to become an FBI agent. There’s a couple of other things I am supposed to do today and they cut other people ahead of me. One guy came in drunk. There are three of us still waiting.
December 8 dream: We kicked out roommate who had set up a torture chair.
December 7, 2018: Anonymous call at 9:30ish. Head to 11am “restorative” yoga class. It was packed. And not very restorative. I mean, it was just like any other yoga class I’ve taken. After, re-meet Ryan who I met at June 2, 2018 class. Woman at reception wanted me to ask her out. Walk to Inner Sunset via G.G.P. Feral cat on way. Then about 15 really nice kids out on an adventure with their backpacks. Guy at Arizmendi Bakery asked me to use slips when I put muffins in my bag. That pissed me off. Since I was the only person who was going to be handling them, what difference does it make? Muffin Nazi! #43 home got there right away. I was only person on it ’til one guy got on a few stops later. Run into Carl Compton and his cousin (or nephew) C.J. at Philz. We talk for over two hours. C.J. Left home in Sacto to start new life in SF. Hawk while we’re talking. C.J. asks Carl: “Which is worse: rape or murder?” Carl says rape, because it really kills you inside and you can no longer stand up for yourself. Rang a note with me.
December 7 dream: Black guy resting his hands on his black girlfriend’s breasts, while talking to her.
December 7 dream: Billye Talmadge, Tom C. and others on break from class. I drop some batteries. Tom helps me pick them up. We are creating a model Western town which may be attacked. Billye says, “We haven’t worked hard today.” I disagree.
December 7 dream: Last day of school. Many are going out to eat. I see someone come in who’s sick just to be here. Woman in cafeteria underwater with her mouth open.
December 7 dream: Bottle of ketchup exploding.
December 6, 2018: Gorgeous day today. Take #43 to John F’s place in The Presidio. See hawk outside of JF’s place. Then CSU online at JF’s place. After meeting, we go to Presidio Bowl to eat. Young woman smiles at me. Later beautiful young man I had been looking at passed through me and John walking out. #43 to Haight. Beautiful blond man on Haight. I get off bus to get a closer look. Can’t find him, so then walk to Castro from the Haight. Then on the G.P. Murder of crows at top of Castro. Spider and web on upper Diamond. Woman smiles at me on Diamond, just before young guy on Diamond smiles at me. C.B. Henry at library. Blank phone message when I get home.
December 6 dream: Working with photographer, editing online.
December 6 dream: Take shit. Toilet clogs. Beautiful woman’s head and shoulders emerge.
December 5, 2018: In ’til 2ish. Go to Rincon. See Tom Blair on K train. Cute Asian guy shaking his T-shirt, apparently after haircut, to get all the hairs out. At Rincon ’til almost 5 pm. Beautiful guy on L on way home. He got off at Van Ness. Joked with woman on K on way home from W.P. She was offering candy to her son across the aisle from her and I jokingly held my hand out as well. She really liked that. Later got into discussion with two other women about Laguna Honda. Finished X’mas cards in p.m.
December 5 dream: Dr. Nancy and I are in newly wallpapered office. She left home because someone was acting up.
December 5 dream: A basket top with Bette Davis face on it had special power. The girl it was made for didn’t want it. I say, “Well, I don’t owe anybody anything. I’m leaving.”
December 5 dream: Dream of TV show where the characters can fly.
December 5 dream: I make friends with female prostitute. II tell her she looks nice as she goes on a date. I go to 10th floor for date I have with someone.
December 5 dream: Creating French-English, German-English and Spanish-English dictionaries.
December 5 dream: Poster saying “I’m tired of children, her(?) and television.”
December 4, 2018: Phone call with sing-song Chinese recording relates to hawk at Balboa Park hier? In ’til 1:30ish. Run into Malcolm Cecil (my CCSF Digital Media teacher) on Ocean Avenue. Another hawk today at Balboa Park on way to G.P.? Run into Walter L. at C.B. We talk about 1-1/2 hours. Seth there also. He gives me dirty look, I think. Climbed thru G.C. (Glen Canyon) to Mt.D. and home. Begins raining on Mt.D. Worked on X’mas cards in p.m.
December 4 dream: Hillary Clinton giving a campaign speech about wholeness and beingness. I’m drinking milkshake which had gone bad since I let it sit.
December 3, 2018: Anonymous 2-ring call at 2:45ish. In ’til 3pm. Was waiting for call from Roomily but forgot to turn on my cellphone . Will try again tomorrow. Walk to G.P. Hawk at Balboa Park? Seth at C.B. Walk thru G.P to Mt.D. to home. TR workshop in p.m. with five of us.
December 3 dream: Wounded countrymen from little-known country hide out in building, getting ready for the next day’s actions. (h.o.)
December 3 dream: I was house-sitting. Young Paul Fortis and smaller child were bunkered down in walk-in closet. They came out when others came to get me.
December 3 dream: Going to Candlestick Park. The ocean is so clear you can see thru the water. One guy walked on it. I swam over to steps. Animals in the water didn’t bother me. A beautiful young man was on the steps, facing out. I say, “How do you get in?” I see his navel but don’t want to stare at it.
December 2, 2018: In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. He asked me how my weekend was. For some reason, it threw me. Things did seem off somehow. I think it had something to do with the post on sexual promiscuity which I posted on the Bathtub Bulletin. Walk thru G.P. Then thru Mt.D. and home. Translation group in pm: Sense testimony: The human impulse to have greater power can have disastrous consequences to those with little power. My conclusion: Truth is heaven pulsing through everyone/everything, reigning over Itself with absolute authority. Remember woman on Oxford Street in London who was so nice to me, giving me directions to Hyde Park, where I met beautiful dark-haired man sitting on a bench. Think there was a connection between the two events.
December 2 dream: Guy (or two) got away from party at Saratoga house. He may have committed child abuse.
December 2 dream: Go to my old apartment building on Turk Street. I asked manager if he had any mail from my old Apt. 263. He was very nice and we seem to be forming a relationship. He takes me to other office where he goes in and shuts the door. We (me, a very friendly pit bull, an older woman and others) are waiting for him to give us free tickets to a 3 pm show. It’s already 3:01. Woman wants me to knock on door. I don’t want to.
December 2 dream: Calvin driving up hill in San Francisco in a pink Cadillac while I walk up same street.
December 1, 2018: Single ring anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See my “Oregon State” friend from November 20 outside C.B. He was with his wife and baby child, all in orange, OSU school colors. Walked thru G.P. to Mt.D. Steven and Myka at Safeway. Steven and I had more of a connection even though he simply walked past me while talking on his cellphone. Motherly woman I saw, who I felt a debt to. Small but loud group of well-dressed partiers (sounded German) gathered around fireplace in courtyard. I had to remind them that there are other people living their lives who they should keep in mind. (*Relates to Tom O. dream of November 29?)
December 1, 2018: Preparing for next interview/video. Return from lunch and all kinds of bells and sirens are going off. Everyone is standing around trying to get online. Someone said, “Everyone is trying to download ‘Cindy.’” At lunch guy tells me to stop eating sandwich. I don’t, even though it’s some kind of meat that’s not very good.
December 1, 2018: Wall of preemies.
November 30, 2018: In ’til 2:30ish. Go to P.O. in W.P. No line. Calvin calls. Go to my chiropractor. He realigned my spine and gave me hope that I could return to yoga. All for only $30. Back to W.P. to buy X’mas cards. Then walk home via W.F.
November 30 dream: Had a successful Sunday Meeting. Got together at about 9:10 pm to plan for the next one.
November 30 dream: Circular cake. We put in protein by cutting it into slices and letting the air in. Woman suggests we add jizm as an appetizer. I wasn’t sure whether we were supposed to like that idea or not. I think Thane was in the group of eight or so surrounding the circular cake.
November 29, 2018: Guy with beautiful legs and short pants who I had seen a few days before when black woman on corner stopped him at Ocean and Miramar and said to him: “Sorry to bother you, but I just had to tell you that you have beautiful legs.” And he does. #43 to Arizmendi Bakery at 9th and Irving. Picked up two loaves of gluten-free bread (which tastes like cake). Then took N out to Sunset and caught #29 home. Crowded bus. Sat near uninteresting looking guy watching his cellphone. Then suddenly he became interesting looking. We noticed each other. And I think I made him happy. He certainly made me happy. Got home. Decided to walk up to Mt.D. Beautiful white (I think) guy with dreadlocks on Melrose Avenue. We greeted each other. On way up and down Mt.D., I think about my identity as a “sexy guy.” I ask myself, “Even though it feels good to feel sexy, is it my real identity?” Realize my “sexy guy” identity, though fun, is just like all my other identities: concocted, invented and ultimately unreal. Then old guy smiles at me. I smile back. Then feel like hitting him. Two ring anonymous call at 6ish.
November 29 dream: My father approaches somebody to try to save a project. I didn’t think it would work but it appears to be working.
November 29 dream: Tom O. is forced out of our apartment. He comes back thru back door to get some of his things.
November 28, 2018: Anonymous call in a.m. In’ til about 1pm. Lucy & Henry at library. It’s Mary’s last day. Construction guy in pink shirt at Ocean & Miramar. Guy at Rincon sitting near me. He changes seats. I approach him. He gives me dirty look. Then when he meets woman he was waiting for, gets very happy. Anonymous call at 3:15ish. Leave Rincon about 4pm. Head to California Historical Museum to see photos of early L.A. and S.F. Cute Muni driver smiles at me unexpectedly with his eyes. Walk to 7th Street. See old friend from Market Street gym on K train. Couldn’t remember his name, but he was a writer and 12-step meeting attender. Buy X’mas tree at W.F.
November 28 dream: Am in line outdoors. We ask Melissa if we can use her toilet. She says no. Then in kind of ghost town with Bob Gillespie (from Pillsbury Madison & Sutro) and four others. We are trying to confront and deconstruct each other.
November 27, 2018: In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. in rain. Cafe Bello. #23 home. Stop in and talk with June for about an hour. At end we get playful and he kind of backs off, though he did give me small Lao-Tzu statue. (*Relates to rat from Mt.D. from hier?) Roy Donovan (on the DVD Roy Donovan) was abused as a kid, too. Was Tom O. abused?
November 27 dream: Trying to hide chocolate bar from other guy so he is not tempted to eat it.
November 27 dream: Brad Pitt has a hand-size hole in his shirt below his neck and in his shorts on his upper hip. I put my hands in both places.
November 26, 2018: J’s brother calls pretending to ask for J. in early afternoon. In ’til 3:30ish. Finally almost finish my Imaginary Interview. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. Walk thru G.P. to Mt.D. See rat scurry away from me in the darkness. See 372 Crest Vista guy and his dog at same place I saw him two nights ago. And just as I was thinking about him. Two rings at 6:20 pm. And then two more at 6:25 pm.(*Relates to rat running towards me on Mt.D. hier.) Monday Nite Group meets. Decides to begin 5-week ongoing Translation workshop, followed by Thane’s 11th Hour Dispatch on January 7. (Taking Richard Branam’s advice, I’m giving my backache to the Universe.)
November 26 dream: Trying to climb up a really vertical hill. Stones and concrete start giving way. Also preparing envelope for billing. Addresses are in pencil.
November 26 dream: Get check in the mail for $70,000.00 thru an insurance co. It’s made out to Michael Overhouse. The word “astrology” is written in the memo. Later I attend a Vietnam memorial dinner which I had attended at least once before.
November 26 dream: Obama almost leaning on my shoulder for inspiration.
November 26 dream: Doing promo for school founded in 1968. Al H. drives me and other guy thru remote part of S.F. I wished I had my camera. We’re in a very small car. I can barely see outside., but we are nearing the towers of the G.G. Bridge. Guy I’m sitting with pokes me playfully in the groin.
November 25, 2018: One ring this a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. C.B. very crowded. Nice, tall, smiling young man with dimples leaves, making room for me. He puts a bottle of white liquid in his jacket. I say, “Is that milk?” He says, “Yes, it’s Saint Benoit Whole Jersey Milk. It tastes like cream.” I seem incredulous that anyone would carry around a bottle of milk. He says I should try it. I say I will. Seems like we hit it off right away. Walk thru G.P. to Mt.D. Rat runs right at me down the middle of path in the dark. I screamed. Catch #43 after running after it. Girl gives me interesting/interested look as I get on. TR group in pm. Melissa relates to skunk from hier. Before TR started we talked about 80,000 Yemini children being starved to death by Saudi Arabia blocking their ports. She doubted story ’cause she hadn’t seen it on CNN or Fox News. She was ready to spray me with her tail but I changed the subject. Sense testimony: Human relationships are often limited by tribal allegiances and lies and confusion. My conclusion: Truth is “heaven born” being, bearing allegiance to the Lord (Consciousness/Beingness), a roaring success in the melding cauldron of infinite Consciousness/Beingness.
November 25 dream: JFK is assassinated again.
November 25 dream: Meet hustler in men’s room. Then shit on myself accidentally. But it’s not too bad. Just my arm. Try to help guy.
November 25 dream: See J. in gay parade. He’s with his “protectors.” Later he turns into 18-1/2 year old with dark hair who lives w/me and my family and works with me. He enters lottery and gives me his lottery receipt saying he did not win.
November 24, 2018: Several short fire alarms this a.m. at home. Two rings around 1:45 pm. In ’til 3ish. Mary at library. Her last day is Wednesday. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. Homeless man there talks to me about Bay Area housing prices. Walk thru G.P. to Mt.D. Skunk at Mt.D. Wasn’t skittish. Had his tail up. I had to yell at it so it would scamper away. Guy and dog from Cresta Vista who I had seen on October 19. Beautiful, hot Asian gay guy at Safeway. I cruised him openly. He enjoyed it. I made kind of a wolf whistle noise as I passed him in the aisle. But I didn’t stop and talk to him. Later made a 2nd approach, but he was gone. After, as I approached my bus stop, the #43 was just driving off. So even the Universe thought I missed the bus. I walked home lugging my groceries with me.
November 24 dream: Starting out on 2nd trip to France in the last few weeks.
November 23, 2018: After another night at Leigh’s with only a couple of hours of sleep. Get home around 8 am and napped for 4 or 5 hours. Anonymous phone call in early afternoon. In ’til 3ish. Go to W.P. Walk up hill to Starbucks Portola. Sat across from cutest guy in the place. Was going to buy N.Y. Times. Woman barista said I didn’t have to pay for it. Went to restroom. Thought, “How am I going to contact this guy?” Then I thought, “Well, you could talk to him.” Went back to table. Noticed his Warrior’s hat. I asked him about the fight between Durant and some other superstar. We had nice conversation. He has a beautiful smile. Walk to Mt.D. in rain and home. #43 right away. Go to W.P. Then to Pakwan resto. Sweet counterperson there.
November 23 dream: Setting up a system of voting for the military government.
November 23 dream: Small fire underneath car we could see from our resto table. I went out and told them, “When you start the car, it goes out, at least briefly.”
November 22, 2018: Painful night last night. Bed was too soft, I guess. Phoebe, le chat, follows me around like I’m a rock star. Catch up on BB and OSF websites and emails and this website. Walk to Peets Cole Street. Then to a nearly empty Haight Street. Walk through G.G. Park to 9th Street and back home via Parnassus. Looking forward to everything getting back to normal tomorrow. Contemplating Rilke’s quote: “How we squander our hours of pain.” This Thanksgiving felt like an hour of pain for me. So when email came around from fellow Prosperos students saying how grateful they were for this and that, I responded “Bah. Humbug.” Felt good. On Friday, November 23, I sent Leigh an email asking to be taken off the availability for cat-sitting. So I stood up to both my Prosperos family and my traditional family. Felt good.
November 21, 2018: Go to 101. Decide to stop in at Starbucks on lower Market Street. My barista was a very sweet young man who seemed familiar to me. But I meet a lot of sweet young men. Anyhow, he seemed confused about my order so I said, “Are you new here?” He said, “No.” Later he said, “Didn’t I take a Comparative Religion class with you?” I said, “Oh, yeah. Charles?” Thankfully, I had remembered his name. In class he had made a point to come up to me after I read something about some Muslims throwing gays off a roof. Saw Blake at Super Duper, though I didn’t go in. It was raining outside (clearing the air after two weeks of “unhealthful air”) so John F. and I met indoors at Rincon. On #29 home, guy with bright yellow shoes. As I exited bus, I noticed how they matched the color of the poles. So I said to him, “Your shoes match the décor.” He smiled and laughed. Moved in to Leigh’s for two days. Met Phoebe, le chat. Tough, painful night sleeping. Therefore, not many dreams
November 21, 2018: Car on stakeout outside Bob M.’s home.
November 20, 2018: One phone ring at 9ish in the a.m. Walk to G.P. with face mask on. 18 y-o blue-eyed guy at C.B. undergoing interview for college. We make some sort of connection before his interviewer arrives. While he is being interviewed, I meet and talk with Patrick who is wearing an “Oregon State” T-shirt. (*When I see something about my alma mater, OSU, I know I will have some breakthrough about myself.) Breakthrough: Realize on bus ride home that there’s a part of me that really doesn’t care about how I look. If I really cared, I simply would have been more good-looking, like J., for example.
November 20 dream: Vans of glass. I ask if I can help somebody up.
November 20 dream: Extended family gathering to view home movie about family. Just before viewing, everyone decides to go outside and look at an earthquake fault. Then the two of us left decide to start movie.
November 20 dream: Guy challenges me to a drinking/fighting contest. I deck him without drinking.
November 20 dream: My roommate (Tom O.?) moves furniture and the room looks a lot roomier.
November 19, 2018: In ’til 3:30ish. Worked on Imaginary Interview. Got first half done, mostly. Walked to G.P. with face mask on. Seth at C.B. We talked about “Drake & Josh” show. Guy on #23 home. Then followed guy who got off #43. Sent email to Lucia saying I would take some time off from yoga due to back pain. Later felt bad about disappointing her. Like it was my job not to disappoint my mother.
November 19, 2018: Finishing up something.
November 19, 2018: Cleaning some really dirty industrial sinks. Alex G. was a doctor, spouting off arcane medical words.
November 19, 2018: Driving up to the mountains for a day. Stop half way. Take a pee. Other guy walks in. Grandma Smith talks about day of “madding” in England.
November 18, 2018: In ’til 2:30ish. Recorded Imaginary Interview with Socrates, Jesus and Oscar Wilde and their significant others. Go to library. On way out, friendly woman midshipman in uniform unexpectedly smiles at me. (*Relates, I think, to my work on the Imaginary Interviews.) Seth at C.B. kicks out troublesome customer. He told me about “Drake & Josh” show online on my way out. Stop by June’s on way home. He had no customers so we talked about maybe ½ hour. He said internet did not come to China until CEO of Alibaba came there about 20 years ago. Shits on getting home at 5;30ish. TR group in p.m. Sense testimony: An unleashed ego can act in a cancerous, invasive fashion. My conclusion: Truth is the one Ego unlimited, unleashed, the embodiment of androgyny, happy in its wholeness.
November 18 dream: Two points shy of something.
November 18 dream: Taking a pee at work at nice house, with lots of other people.
November 18 dream: Ride to top of mountain with lots of old buildings in bus with ornamental priests as icons.
November 17, 2018: In ’til 3ish. Slightly better air day. Walk to C.B. with face mask on. Woman barista there who I don’t know. Walk to Safeway with face mask on. Pass June cutting hair. He’s facing the other way. Look for gluten-free bread at Safeway. Ask worker. He doesn’t know. Then see Steven. Ask him. He says, “Yeah, we have it.” So I look and find it. Later as I’m checking out, I tell Steven, who’s nearby, that I found it. [As background, when I first started shopping at this Safeway several years ago, I had the choice of two empty checkout stands. One woman invites me over. Steven was at the other checkout stand. I said to woman, within earshot of Steven, “But he’s so much cuter.” Then I went to Steven’s checkout stand. That’s how I first met Steven.] Shits when I get home about 5:30ish. Trump visits Paradise. I feel love for him in spite of myself.
November 17 dream: I’m part of the English war effort.
November 17 dream: I’m not bankrupt but I’m looking into info about bankruptcy. Girl and I preparing event called “Amen to the World.”
November 17 dream: Riding bus to outskirts of S.F. My hosts get off. I didn’t make it in time so had to wait for next stop.
November 17 dream: Hillary Clinton on the 10 “No’s” of journalism.
November 16, 2018: In ’til 2:30ish. Another “very unhealthful” air day. Come up w/new Truth Syllogism: “God is that which is so. That which is not God is not so. Therefore God is all that is.” Seth at C.B. He’s moving in tonight to his new townhouse at Park Merced with four other roommates. Get call from Lisa in Santa Cruz. She hooks me up with Santa Cruz realtor, or so she says. (*Think J. put her up to it.) Today, SF, Sacto and Stockton were the most polluted cities in the world! Yay! We’re No. 1!
November 16 dream: Fascists Just Take: My friends pretend to be fascists. I have to see what fascism is in myself before I can knock it out of them.
November 15, 2018: Bad night last nite w/lower back pain. Decided not to go to yoga today. Air is “very unhealthy.” You could smell it. Henry at library. Cute gay couple at Walgreens. Stayed indoors after that. Paradise fire is biggest natural event in Bay Area since ’89 earthquake.
November 15 dream: Big dance coming up. A lot of women will go together but not all women are “Daddy-blamers.” Some will go w/young boys.
November 15 dream: Staying at Aunt Joann’s house. It’s morning and she’s waking us up. It’s our last day here. One of her young children is playing a game with me. I ask Joanne, “How many children do you have living here?” She says, “17.”
November 15 dream: Rushing to pay phone to beat woman who was also rushing there. It got there first. Forgot phone number to place of work.
November 14, 2018: 101. Cold and smoky. On way to Super Duper, beautiful young man with blue eyes and nice smile. He seemed like an old friend. Customer at Super Duper smiles at me. Rincon for 2-1/2 hours. K home. Blank phone message from 2:35 pm when I get home. TR group in p.m. Sense testimony: Housing certain people has become beyond their financial capacity to pay. My conclusion: Truth is one house in infinite manifestation, one being in infinite personification, all of which is paid in full.
November 14 dream: Finished first two steps out of four to transfer my printer to a new location. Hanz and others I used to work with want to have dinner w/me afterwards.
November 13, 2018: Anonymous call at 8ish in a.m. In ’til 1:30ish. #29 to yoga. Met Max, French guy, musician, yoga-teaching girlfriend. Very friendly guy. Sitting next to him, I later realized, was Asian guy from 11/1 and 11/8. Went to La Promenade. Met Gallon, Giants fan. We talked baseball. Lucia and others at yoga. We all talked about “somatic therapy” beforehand. Walk to Judah w/my face mask on. #N and #43 home. Woman at W.F. smiles at me. It knocks me off balance. Beautiful young man as I left.
November 13 dream: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez being taught by head of school. She reaches into her purse for a contribution. I give $1. I say, “Don’t get carried away, Ocasio.”
November 13 dream: All the characters in the dream are in an elevator in their civilian clothes. Young guy and I are told to go to other elevator and go down 7 floors. The elevator is on ground floor and only goes down to floors 7 and 10. We push 7. The elevator has a hard time starting. On the way to the elevator I say to him, “Wouldn’t it be terrible to be famous? Everybody would always be looking at you.” He said, “It might be fun for a while.”
November 13 dream: Going thru the city from place to place. Realize I forgot my yoga mat and other things. Have to retrace my steps.
November 13 dream: Nannie drives up from the city to see me. J. checks out the return address on letter she is carrying.
November 12, 2018: Spent about an hour in a.m. talking w/Ben G. about new Zoom account. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk w/my face mask on to G.P. Seth at C.B. again. Take BART home. Meet nurse named Patrick. He was on his way to a 12-hour shift at the trauma center in an East Bay hospital. Then Asian guy on BART to Balboa Park. Then guy on Geneva, looking happy I was paying attention to him. Then manager at Asian take-out place on Ocean. Rick and Melissa on Zoom in p.m. Melissa took exception to Rick’s blanket plaint about our current president. Finished Imaginary Interview with Socrates, Jesus, Oscar Wilde and their S.O.s. Feel kind of bad. Like I’ve given it my all and it’s not enough. Insight; Watching A French Village, realize I, too, was a collaborator in my childhood.
November 12 dream: Must be able to find seven or so images before the map will change. (h.o.)
November 12 dream: Grisly murder based on sensational book outside of our place of residence.
November 12 dream: Pete Franks starting his acting career. One piece of advice.
November 12 dream: Being in NYC as opposed to other places.
November 12 dream: At Grace Cathedral in San Francisco.
November 11, 2018: In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. With my face mask on. Seth at C.B. again. Matt has apparently moved on. Work on Imaginary Interview with Socrates, Jesus and Oscar Wilde and their significant others. TR group in p.m. Sense Testimony: Bureaucratic overreach can cause harm from breaching confidentiality and misdiagnosis. My conclusion: Truth is totally breachable, unrestricted, unimpairable, unlimited knowing/diagnosis, which is the only cause and the only effect.
November 11 dream: Me spraying the area for bugs.
November 11 dream: Hang out at cool, historic pad/meeting place where Harvey Milk used to live. Saw Daniel Bank there. He was talking about his own cool/cheap place. Talked with young woman about climate change.
November 11 dream: Melania Trump taking off from my house in a car driven by another woman. We were talking about a biography of Einstein’s wife which was just being published.
November 11 dream: In France, DeGaulle is running for the assembly seat of Girard, who had just been killed by the police.
November 10, 2018: Another smoky day. S.F. Feels like a war zone. In ’til 3ish. Walked w/my face mask to the library. Henry there. Then walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. Also other cute Asian guy as I left. Walk to Safeway. Myka has his face mask on. In the middle of chatting w/Myka, Steven leaned in from the adjacent checkout stand to join the conversation. I hadn’t known he was there, and he threw me off balance, which I think was his intent. Drop/break plate in p.m. That usually means something.
November 10 dream: Am staying at place w/lots of others close by. Working on something.
November 10 dream: Woman in line said I blew a toothpick into her eye. Later she tried to make a date w/me. I snuck out of store. Ran into two well-built male friends who eventually became shirtless and then were only wearing towels, as did their adolescent son and a baby held who was held up against one of their naked chests, just to be in touch.
November 9, 2018: Smoky day in S.F. People advised to stay indoors. Took #49 to Van Ness. Noisy, homeless guy sitting behind me asked me to open my window. I say, “No.” Bought face mask. Went to 1001 Franklin to get waitlist application. 300 on waiting list. Very old people hanging out in lobby. Go to Main Library to take a pee in the homeless restroom. Then search Market Street for Friday’s Chronicle. Finally find one at 4th & Market drug store. Take N into Cole Valley. Sign on way: “11:59:59.” Nicest thing that happened so far today. Go to Peet’s Cole Valley. Try to catch #43 home. #37 arrives first. So I take it to the Castro. Old lady smiles at me just before I walk past 440 Club to J’s store at 19th & Castro. #35 to G.P arrives quickly. Take BART to Balboa. Then #8 home. Chronicle headline: “Wildfire devastates Butte County Town” instead of “Wildfire devastates Paradise [which is the name of the Butte County town in question]. Insight: my Dad was playacting his entire life. Just like me.
November 9 dream: Transcribing cube with writing on it to second cube. (h.o.)
November 9 dream: Pushed veteran too far and he got in trouble. Einstein was there but I didn’t apologize to him, even though he told me not to.
November 9 dream: Veteran had to be informed about loss of someone. He seemed cheerful. Some assumed he hadn’t been informed yet.
November 9 dream: Carol Burnett as transsexual in movie promo.
November 9 dream: I took cash from company safe. Somehow I rationalized that I wasn’t stealing. Decided to give it back.
November 9 dream: Returning from abroad. I walk thru part of S.F. I’ve never walked thru before. Older Frenchwoman being a real snob, in French, at local store.
November 8, 2018: Anonymous call at 12:30ish. In ’til 1:30ish. #29 to yoga. Same guy who I sat next to on November 1, smiling quietly to himself when I looked at him. Woman sitting near window at La Promenade smiles at me as I pass, foreshadowing guy in L.P. who gave me look of interest. After yoga, woman with big white teeth smiles at me, apparently without provocation, foreshadowing me seeing beautiful woman I had seen on October 9. Totally disarming. Met cute little boy on elevator w/his Dad and a pet rat named Benjamin.
November 8 dream: In shower, hear my front door handle shake. (h.o.)
November 8 dream: Young woman wanted to go into comedy. I told her all the people she could get in touch with. Trying to get printer to work. It’s under a lot of antique bric-a-brac.
November 7, 2018: Went to Rincon – 2-1/2 hours. Very quiet at Super Duper. Edwin there calls me by my name. After, follow cute guy ’til I finally see him face to face. Then take #38. Get off at Union Square. Woman there smiles at me. I get back on #38. Pass J’s house again. Get off at Van Ness. Take #49 home.
November 7 dream: A couple of lectures on Wednesday night I and other guy wanted to go to. Then other guy asks me how I’m collecting the $5. Then I realize tonight is Wednesday night.
November 7 dream: At work woman very critical of me and my presentation skills. At end, I am “drum major” of a large contingent.
November 6, 2018: Go to 101 for special “Get Out the Vote” outreach. Homeless black guy stopped by. He had a sign: “Free Lesson on the Nature of Reality.” I didn’t ask. #38 to La Promenade. Passed J’s house on Geary. Then a sign: “Wishful thinking” or possibly “Wishful drinking.” Woman at La Promenade cafe gave me look of interest. Yoga with Lucia. After, she admitted she has five planets in Scorpio: Sun, rising, Mercury, Mars and Pluto. #29 home. Guy came on board in shorts. Sat across from me. Then he also gave me the eye. Woman at La Promenade was a foreshadowing of guy on #29. I wasn’t interested in either of them. (*See last dream of 11/4 about becoming a different person.)
November 6 dream: It was the preacher who was a conman in the end.
November 6 dream: At sort of wedding, woman, then man with the most beautiful white ass. Other guy playfully tries to remove his Speedo. Guy continue walking. I have huge hard-on in dream. I try to cover it up with a towel or something. Another guy from work approaches me and thanks me for promising to help him out. I ask him to remind me what I promised. Then remember he hasn’t told me yet.
November 5, 2018: In ’til 12:30ish. #49 to Opera Plaza to see “The Happy Prince.” It was a sad movie that made me happy. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. #36 to Railroad Expresso. Talk to Jesse.
November 5 dream: Flying around landscaped backyard. Mayor Breed doesn’t notice me. Others don’t see me. Finally guy sees me. He gets close. I’m afraid he’ll bring me down. (h.o.)
November 5 dream: Visit outdoor David Letterman show. The audience was very far away. I said to Dave, “I was here when you did the show in Iowa or someplace and the audience was much closer.” Then I joked, “You can never get the audience far enough away.” Dave laughed, sort of.
November 5 dream: I’m finishing up my sidewalk, plant trimming. My hands are all muddy. Then other guys coming the other way with muddy and bloody hands. I meet up w/them outside cabin of nice young people. I thought it was lived in by old people who wanted me out of their yard.
November 4, 2018: Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. Seth very nice to homeless black man. But so was I. Walk thru G.P. Large bluebird on my path. Mt.D. W.F. TR group in pm. Sense testimony: Disagreement is inevitable when telling lies has become the norm. My conclusion: Nothing is external to the gratitude of the Real estate. Insight: Me showing my penis to Nancy was like my behavior with my mother? In other words, it was voluntary on my part. I volunteered to be a sexual object with my mother, just like my friend J. also volunteers to be a sexual object. Perhaps that’s why he’s in my life.
November 4 dream: Trying to find some ingredients for my boss. Either that or aftershave lotion and some other things. Run into another executive. He says, “You’re 48, right?” I try counting and wake up.
November 4 dream: Helicopter lifts plane over Arizona. Then drops it and plane takes off mid-air. Needs to land one inch west of Missouri airport. Woman in pilot’s very small cabin. Eating something. Realizes its a person. Spits it out. Need to place 78 pieces of tape to area which is untaped.
November 4 dream: Flying off with some guy ’cause we have to get to the bottom of a mystery. M. Itkin says to me, “Why don’t you ever get yourself noticed?” I say, “Fuck off. God does a pretty good job, and a lot of people never notice him.” I think: I’m becoming a different person. I say to someone: “This all began with Occupy.” He agrees.
November 3, 2018: In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Seth comes into C.B with his girlfriend. Not impressed. Walk to Mt.D. See same tomcat I saw on 10/21. As soon as I stopped, he approached me, rolled over a few times, climbed between my legs, etc. Mt.D. exceptionally peaceful, clear and warm. Steven at Safeway. He even smiled at me. Also Myka briefly. June and I take #43 home together. He’s trying to get his driver’s license.
November 3 dream: We’re having a parade. #19 is missing even though guy said he’d interviewed them. They were a Native American group. (h.o.)
November 3 dream: Tom O. and I are riding a whale in a bay. I say, “I wonder if he (the whale) minds.” I see that we are close to the shore. Then I see a young Jordan face down on the beach. I help him start breathing again. (It was the 2nd time I had saved Jordan’s life.) Earlier, Nancy, Laurie and I go to city college rally where some presentations are made about Christian Science. Harriet and Dad were not part of the program, though they were in the audience. Before program, young people throwing ball to each other, young men and women. Someone comments: “Look at that guy’s ass.”
November 3 dream: Nine of us go to see a movie. Four of us sit near each other. Screens all over the place. Cute girl sits on my lap. She’s like a white geisha girl. She charges 20 cents for 20 seconds. We’re all supposed to be gay. Family reunion coming up. Leigh as concerned as I am.
November 2, 2018: Call around 1:30 pm who hangs up as soon as I identify myself. In ’til 4ish. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. RHS my “step-mother” for abusing me as she was abused. Really feeling worthless. Then realizing she was acting out of her own abuse and that I was allowing her to. (*See last dream of 10/31.) As I climb steps home, I smile at attractive couple climbing down. Later realize they are the couple from the apartment above me whose occasional violent noise makes me feel a similar kind of worthlessness. Think this is a mutation from my RHS.
November 2 dream: Ceramic animals, a whale, a lion and others, on display for someone. Whale unsuccessfully tries to swallow the lion.
November 2 dream: Got totally lost in company building. It was a scientific type company, inventing things. Our FYL tape group was in Section F, but I couldn’t find it. And people didn’t seem available to help. Also, I had left my gym bag, probably on the drive back from my vacation. Earlier was really hungry for experience of being, almost like a death. Hoped Thane would arrive back soon.
November 2 dream: About to give hopefully humorous talk. We may be a little late.
November 2 dream: Wanting to go home and take pills to reduce side pain.
November 1, 2018: One ring at 11:45 am. Maybe my side pain relates, not to J., but to my mother. In ’til 1:30ish. #29 to yoga. Sit next to cute quiet Asian h.s. student. Then follow beautiful man to the back seat. At first glance, he was beautiful. But at 2nd glance, he had nothing of interest to me. There was no there there. See Joe outside Simple Pleasures on Balboa. Then saw sign in window of La Promenade about Butter Love cafe art exhibit. I thought, well, if this is a sign, I’m going to need more. So I went into La Promenade. No one was there at the counter. So I left to go to Butter Love. And there was Gailin. And he was even glad to see me. We talked briefly. Initially about Michelle Tea quote on back hallway and then he shared w/me his favorite quote from Walt Whitman. He didn’t remember the line but it had something to do with a tortoise. Perhaps: “And do not call the tortoise unworthy because she is not something else . . .” And also a Kafka quote about having the courage to be weird. Perhaps: “Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion.” Yoga w/Carl and others. After, me and Gailin talk more. See large bird walking around G.G.P. Go to Arizmendi Bakery on 9th Avenue for more gluten-free bread. Run into my beautiful Asian friend I saw in G.G.P. on 9/25. This time he was with girlfriend/partner and his dog. Girl at 9th & Judah showed interest in me. Young h.s. guy on #43. Girl ends up sitting next to me. Henry at library. He remembered my name. Very hot vegetable guy at W.F. Side pain may relate to my toddler efforts to stand on my own being thwarted/held back by my mother?
November 1 dream: I criticize girl for comment she made about sweet drink. She asks me to describe the drink. Then rushes out to get one. She visits international guy. He starts following us.
November 1 dream: Atomic bomb exercise taking place. I get lost in hotel. Then guy directs me to 4th floor.
November 1 dream: Am in L.A. for a week. See dream group poster on wall and think, “I’ll go. Then Gene Goulard walks by. I say, “Are you living here?” He says he’s living w/the great Derek Lamar. Then Derek appears in a fancy white suit w/beautiful, colorful printing on it and two gofer boys. He doesn’t see me.
October 31, 2018: Two ring anonymous call this a.m. around 9ish. Saw Alex in a.m. on way to 101. He didn’t seem to remember me from hier. Go to 101. Then 2-1/2 hours at Rincon. Then K home. Beautiful Asian man I rushed to sit next to. He got off at Castro. As soon as I heard his voice, I regretted not talking to him. W.F. and shits when I got home around 6ish.
October 31 dream: Hard-on dream about something.
October 31 dream: Alex G. talking my head off at Prosperos event about how he’s always relating everything back to principle. [And he’s a right-wing Trump supporter.]
October 31 dream: Taking long (an inch or so) piece of flesh out of my hand that didn’t belong there. No blood.
October 31 dream: At seaside, waiting to conduct a military maneuver. Am visiting ___ or some relative who doesn’t like me.
October 31 dream: At family reunion dinner. My step-mother doesn’t like me. Some of us go to house lower on the hill. Woman there talks about Truth. I think I’ll help her if I can. Give my ___ to somebody.
October 30, 2018: In ’til 1ish. #29 to Balboa. Go to Promenade Cafe. Small group at yoga. Told Lucia that my swollen tendons relate to a relationship. She said, “I don’t know what your relationship is.” And I thought, That’s the problem. Neither do I. Get call during yoga. Walk home via G.G.P. #43 home. Talk to Alex outside W.F. who confirmed to me that Cody no longer works there. Email Rick about 11th Hour Dispatch.
October 30 dream: Lucid daydream: My father telling me he’s proud of me.
October 30 dream: Guessed the right amount. Pain seems to be under control.
October 30 dream: Four of us trying to escape spaceship in time before it explodes. Hugh John there?
October 30 dream: Me and 2nd guy take on 3rd guy in our Speedos in a crosswalk. Then lots of mostly disabled young people sitting on the floor.
October 30 dream: Family dream about family business. I’m trying to write her ending but my pen runs out of ink. I want to say that the family business should be no larger than it has to be. Each person in the play has their own different colored rooms. At end two of us are invited to visit Swedish guy’s yellow room to see something. He’ s not there.
October 29, 2018: In ’til 1ish. Decided to skip my acupuncture appointment this a.m. It was $100 per session and I had already spent $300. For the first time in 20 years, this guy gave me a diagnosis. This was something the VA and others (with MRIs, CT-scans, etc.) could not do. But as Maya Angelou said, If a person tells you who they are, believe them. I think I was so desperate for a cure that I dismissed some cues I should have paid attention to. Cute h.s. guy on K on way to W.P. Lady at health food store recommends anti-inflammation supplement. I buy it. Vote at City Hall. Walk to Rainbow Foods. Then Sage. Make connection with guy getting on his bike on 21st Street. Buy additional supplement at Sage on Valencia. Blonde woman at Bernie’s on 24th Street. She gives me a look of interest. I don’t know how to respond. I don’t want to just walk out w/o saying anything. So on my way out I say, “Is there a place I can throw this away?” Barista offers to take it from me. This gives me an opportunity to smile at woman. Walk to G.P. #36, #43 home. S.E. group in p.m. Thane’s 11th Hour Dispatch was approved, but Rick insists we listen to the lesson beforehand on our own and only get together for a discussion. I get upset with Rick the more I think about it.
October 29 dream: I’m staying at Laurie’s house. Her bedroom is white on white. As I leave for bed, I look around and everybody has arrived home – like 5 or 6 people. Young guy talks about a kiss, like in the movies. I ask, “Was that tonight?” He says, “No.” (h.o.)
October 29 dream: I eat with very wealthy young man and a few others. They are all smitten with him. We talk about a survey(?) at work with people I know. I ask about one woman I like.
October 29 dream: Got two letters. William Fennie says: “Big letters?” I say, “Two of the biggest. Al Haferkamp and my boss at work.” My boss wants me to recode something. William complains about a smelly cheese wrapper. Also note from guy that he’ll be in town for a week which means that J. would be around as well.
October 29 dream: Marilyn Deurell at family meal. I try to scrape together something. Calvin brought the most food and he was making a big production of things, comme de habitude.
October 28, 2018: Found out that Langley Porter was a leader in “sexual deviates” starting in the ’40s. Was Doris Gloss a “sexual deviate”? Was that why she murdered my mother? Was Doris in love with my mother? In ’til 3ish. Go to Walgreens in search of low-sodium Wheat Thins. Six stores later I find them at Mollie Stone’s on Portola Drive. Beautiful guy coming out of gym on Ocean Avenue on my way to W.P. Walk to Mt.D. On top get two amber alerts on my phone. TR group in p.m. Sense testimony: Too much change or unpredictability creates uncertainty and pain. My conclusion: Truth is inexchangeable, unchanging, predictable, settled law and the judgment of Truth is Divine Oneness.
October 28 dream: Hard-on dream about something.
October 28 dream: Hillary Clinton’s daughter, Ronan, running for office.
October 28 dream: In Chicago trying to get back to 31st floor job. Can’t find elevator bank. Meet Jane Curtain briefly. Really like her. Then see Carol Carter who says I’ve gotten to Chicago somehow and that she’s losing her mind.
October 28 dream: Something about climbing the highest mountain.
October 27, 2018: Worked ’til 1ish. Take nap. Left house at 3ish. Buy ibuprofen at Walgreens. Start icing my sides. Walk up to Mt.D. Follow woman up Robinhood Dr. I didn’t want to follow her, but did anyway. She smiles at me on her way down. At top of Mt.D., there is a “Trick or Meet.” It’s just starting. I go half way down Mt.D., then go back to top about half hour later. People gathering around speaker. Then photo taken. Lots of guys giving horn hand signal. Somehow I feel a sense of accomplishment. (*Parallel to my climbing behind woman on Robinhood Dr.?) #36 bus unexpectedly arrives on Foerster to get me to G.P. Seth at C.B. Wait for #23 to Safeway. Hawk perches two street lights away. Then on street light directly above me. Myka not at very busy Safeway. Waiting for #43 home. Run into June for 2nd day in a row. We take #43 together ’til I get off at home.
October 27 dream: We take off from the planet. Spaceship is kind of rickety. Then at a certain point it doesn’t mater. We’re in space. I ask, “How do you know what’s up in space?” Guy says, “You just go up.” We passed Mercury, which had apparently been destroyed. We were headed up to the northeastern part of space. I was eating this sandwich which was dripping white liquid which looked like cum. Guy gets mad. I started cleaning it up with a napkin.
October 27 dream: Trying to get bus down to Mt. Shasta to meet Liz Andrews. Guy says, “Take the #23, the military defense budget.” Ocean nearby.
October 27 dream: Get on bus outside Castro. It has chairs and some odd people. I start talking to one guy. He sits on my lap and then is a woman. Speaking French. I try to speak back to her. “Vous le dit,” I say.
October 26, 2018: One phone ring at 8:10 am shortly after I get up. (*Relates to sudden hawk of hier?) Go to acupuncture for 3rd day in a row. Cute h.s. guy on K on way. Guy smiles at me on L. Then beautiful man behind me in line at Walgreens on Taraval. After acupuncture, go to June’s for haircut. Wait ½ hour. He and I figure out way to block calls on my phone. It’s always a joy to see June. He always makes me laugh and I love it when he touches me or presses up against me as he cuts my hair. Take 1-1/2 hour nap when I get home. 3:30 pm anonymous call just as I lay down to take a nap. Walk to Mt.D. Cute guy in library on the way. Realize on my walk that I’m the one with the swollen tendons, not J.
October 26 dream: We were rehearsing a great Greek play about getting people excited about war. We stopped for a while after somebody stepped on a porn video VHS box. (h.o.)
October 26 dream: Return items which had been lost or damaged, years later. Forms to fill out. Have to ask permission of person whose file it is. I do two. Now have to do two more. Asking permission is the hardest part.
October 26 dream: At new job trying to copy things. Lots of interruptions.
October 26 dream: Bus slowly comes to a stop, crashing into some cars. I’m standing outside wondering how to help people in the bus get out.
October 25, 2018: Acupuncture – Day 2. Fall at W.P. on way home. Woman smiles at me on K. Then I see Matt. Take nap. Go to yoga. Hawk on #29. Cute guy after yoga didn’t like my being attracted to him. Walk home thru G.G.P. See Fred Cline in cafe on way to bus stop. Woman smiles at me as I cruise guy’s ass on 9th Avenue. Talk to him at 9th/Irving bus stop. He’s a medical student reading book about innovation in medicine. Cute woman looks around at me at Diamond & Bosworth Streets. She gets on #36. I get on #23. Follow guy w/cute bubble butt to corner resto. Then talk to Jesse for several minutes about his nightmare as a 4-year-old. Dream group in p.m. Not sure I want to continue with them.
October 25 dream: Surprise meal. Limited resources(?) We were trying to avoid salt.
October 25 dream: Work was very slow. Went back to take a break. Stopped by new resto I had never seen before. Sit across from guy who I was trying to figure out why we met. He mentioned a couple of people I’d never heard of. Sylvia Marcus? Young boy sitting next to me asked him a question. They seemed to hit it off.
October 25 dream: I tell my work neighbor that I’m having second thoughts about leaving work. She says, “I believe that white leads to black.” And I say, “And that means what?” She: “That you support your neighbor.”
October 24, 2018: 10 am acupuncture appointment with Dr. Li. Him lowering my pants felt very erotic. Got anonymous call while this was going on. He diagnosed me with swollen tendons. Get to 101 early. Relatively busy. Many handsome men walking by. At end, two women come up to us asking directions to the biggest Catholic Church in the city. John F. happily offers to walk them to the #38 bus stop. I don’t think I would have done that. At least not happily. 2-1/2 hours at Rincon. Nancy/Laurie call from car on their way to Santa Cruz to interview Aunt Joanne. Billye Talmadge dies in a.m. When I get home, two blank anonymous messages.
October 24 dream: Hard-on dream about peeing.
October 24 dream: “Puppy farm” with little re-outfitted VWs.
October 24 dream: My new, hot, sexually active boyfriend where I work. At the end, we exchange gifts. Mine is a re-gift from Dec. ’94 (white liquid) to Derek Lamar.
October 23, 2018: Last night I Translated: It’s difficult to find a doctor who both is knowledgeable and able to listen. Conclusion: Truth is always teaching, always listening, re-minding. This morning I was about call Dr. Liu to cancel my Friday appointment and I accidentally dialed Dr. Li (from 26th Avenue and Taraval). Having Dr. Li on the line, I made an appointment with him for tomorrow and felt very good about him. I think as a mutation from my Translation last night. In ’til 1:30ish. Cute guy with torn jeans on #29. I had seen him before on this bus. Then guy named Ronald asked me if I was going to yoga since I had my yoga mat with me. We talked a lot about yoga and P90X, a work out program. Then started talking about religion. He’s a fan of the Abrahamic religions. Cute h.s. student on Balboa. Joe, the guitarist, in front of Simple Pleasures. Max, Sarah at Butter Love. Lucia and others at yoga. We all talked about the lottery before class. Walk thru G.G.P. to 9th & Lincoln Way. #44 to G.P. Lady barista at C.B. BART and 8X home. Justin at W.F.
October 23 dream: Big, good-looking boy wants to leave class. He takes out window and steps up ladder. Female teacher stands in his way.
October 23 dream: Beginnings of mouse on the floor. I put it next to dust bunny. Dust bunny surrounded it as if going in for the kill.
October 23 dream: Hawks, seagulls and a big owl.
October 23 dream: Taking shit in dream. Then going to late lunch at lunch trucks outside of school.
October 23 dream: Spend a week up north, mostly trying to get away from J. Guy who harassed women had put on a wig and become one. Black woman started ordering me around. Was anxious to return.
October 22, 2018: In ’til 3ish. Walk out Ocean Avenue to Ambrosia Cafe at Lakewood. Walk to 35th Avenue and Taraval to check out Chinese doctor I will see on Friday. Hawk near Stern Grove. Walk back via Taraval. Stop at 2nd Chinese doctor at 26th Avenue. Then cute baristo at Peets West Portal. Then cute guy I follow up Ocean to 24 Hour Fitness. S.E. group in p.m. Looks like 11th Hour Dispatch is a go. Billye T. apparently near death. TR doctor in p.m. Root of the word doctor is docile!
October 22 dream: Go into dark bathroom to pee. Run into others there. They don’t mind I’m peeing on them.
October 22 dream: As the movie closes, the adult sons of a young mother tearfully give some towels to someone else as they learn their mother has died.
October 22 dream: Little girl in ___ from FDR era lying on the ground, apparently dead, is not living and well.
October 21, 2018: In ’til 3ish. Follow cute, dark, well-built guy in white T-shirt into 351 Brighton lobby. He disappears. Walking down Ocean, car honks at me. Buy two lotto tickets. Start fantasizing. Matt at C.B. but place so busy I decided to go elsewhere. Saw #35 bus earlier so knew it was nearby. Took it to Castro. Went to Spike’s. Austin there. Stood in front of J’s store for a few minutes waiting for #35 back to G.P. On way back, felt good, felt victorious. See “Victory” on car license plate. See “666” on sidewalk (666 = 18 = 9 = flowering or ending of something). (*Relates to part 2 of “great dream” of 10/17?) Walk thru G.P. to Mt.D. Very friendly, even aggressive cat at Chaves Avenue and Evelyn Way. Then friendly dog who licked my hand on top of Mt.D. Then guy from Marin on top of Mt.D. I talked with him about the view, etc. He was taking photos, as was I. Car accident at Ridgewood and Mangels Avenues. #43 w/o waiting. TR group in p.m. ST: Cancer cells have immature qualities and ignore signals to self-regulate. My conclusion: The structure of Truth is one, unspiteful, unmalicious, nonmalevolent, good, nonvindictive, nonvengeful, kind, helpful, satisfied, mature (produced at the right or favorable moment), of incomparable quality, all-knowing, all-signaling and all-receiving, indivisible Self; Being being its own authority. (*Shits from 6:30 pm hier relate to J. reading my online Diary today?)
October 21 dream: Did something wrong w/Hanz in the State of Washington. You’re supposed to go to jail but they were pretty open about it. I didn’t go.
October 21 dream: Riding my bike thru streets of SF, which looked like Paris. I had a rock in my left shoe. Forgot to lock my ’57 Benz, so I had to ride back to lock it. Bob M. helping me. He says, “You’ve got a big one coming up.” Referring to a jump?
October 21 dream: Going to the houses of two Christians. Feeling wary.
October 21 dream: Trying to get a moment alone so I could jerk off. My dorm room door was a glass window and my roommate’s co-workers were meeting at her room.
October 20, 2018: In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P the long way. Guy on Mangels Avenue asks me if I’d like a beer. I say, “Thanks, I don’t drink.” Matt at C.B. playing James Brown. Walk up Joost to Safeway. Cute dog at Joost and Foerster really excited to see me. At Safeway, Myka runs out the front door to catch shoplifter. Then we talk about etherealization, Cavendish and other ideas about physics. While waiting for #43, June comes up behind me. It’s good to see him. He says he and his wife moved to two rooms near Geneva and Mission. I asked if he’s still studying English w/his tutor. He seemed intent on showing me a photo of his tutor who, in the photo he showed me, appeared gay and was standing next to an even more gay-appearing young man. I think June is trying to tell me he may be married, but he’s not dead. Shits about 6:30 pm when I get home.
October 20 dream: Restart tape group after going for a year, taking a half year off, and then starting again. $1.10 dues.
October 20 dream: 1% of people want to want to live in an authoritarian state.
October 20 dream: Invasion by invisible force. Three of us are assigned to find out about it. I’m taking a pee. 2nd guy comes in and says we need to find a way to cooperate w/each other.
October 20 dream: Young guy was looking thru pictures of other young guys. Girl he is interested in comes along. He doesn’t panic. Instead he transforms into male character from play and she transforms into female character.
October 19, 2018: Anonymous call about 9 am just as I’m waking up. (*Relates to hawk on 10/16 over 19th Avenue, while I’m onboard #29 to yoga?) Beautiful guy I followed into 352 Brighton lobby. Walking to G.P., realized that mens rea (which is a term I woke up saying to myself on 10/7) relates to J. He is intentionally doing evil or wrong. (*Relates to “great dream” from 10/17?) Seth at C.B. Walk to Mt.D. Meet “Zombie Outbreak Response Team” guy washing his car on Juanita Avenue. I say, “How’s business?” He says, “It’s about to get a lot busier.” Walk to Mt.D. and home Translating. My sense testimony: Some people feel entitled to inflame others. Conclusion: Truth is one being entitled to permanent light and permanent power. Run into friendly young guy w/dog on Bella Vista Way. I think he’s the one who just moved into house nearby. Realize my sense of entitlement came not from my upper middle class background but from my connection, real or imagined, w/God.
October 19 dream: Trying to save a 3-part 3-color document so none of it is lost. It’s about a murder or a military operation.
October 19 dream: Eating some kind of liver on Market Street w/Bill Floyd.
October 18, 2018: In ’til 1:30ish. #29 to yoga. Cute young Asian man from St. Ignatius Catholic high school sits next to me. I ask him if St. Ignatius is in the neighborhood. He says, “Yes.” A whole bunch of people get off at Lincoln Way and 34th Avenue. I ask him, “What’s at 34th Avenue?” He says he doesn’t know. I shut up. He gets off at Balboa. That’s also my stop. He waits on Balboa for the #31 bus. I continue walking down Balboa. Then I decide to take #31 as well a few blocks down the road. I wonder if he’ll be on the bus. When I get on #31 I see him standing in the middle of the bus. Woman smiles at me. I smile at him. He gets off at 37th Avenue which is my stop as well. He heads east. I head west. Big group at yoga today. My side pain feeling slightly better. Walk home thru G.G.P. Hawk in distance. Then hear hawk. Then see another hawk in the distance. #44 to G.P. Matt at C.B. #36 and #43 home.
October 18 dream: A couple of us are putting on our coats to go out and look for bad guys.
October 18 dream: Having 12 or so over for a Jewish dinner. People are waiting outside. I let them in and go back to the kitchen where the table is set up. One man brought a menorah of sorts w/only 4 candles. I think some sort of healing is to take place.
October 18 dream: Took a liking to guy at office was was working at for a day. He had a handout called “Spot.” Woman there said she hopes the job takes a long time so she’d have work. Trying to reach 50,000 people for healing to take place. We had already reached 30,000.
October 17, 2018: 101. Very hot Asian guy canoodling w/his Asian girlfriend at Walgreens checkout counter. Made me mad. Two-1/2 hours at Rincon. Shits on leaving. Buxom woman w/three kids on K train. She wore a low-cut blouse and told another passenger, “I’m in a bad relationship. Very bad.” Felt I could fuck her, even abuse her. See Sean Elsbernd, former S.F. Supervisor, on same train. Angry, anonymous blank phone message from 11:30ish when I get home.
October 17 dream: Laurie and I taking turns reading questions and answering them for some kind of children’s game.
October 17 dream: Carol Chappell and a group of southern Californians, which avoids certain parts.
October 17 dream: Tom O. and I give example of group dynamics at a gathering of sorts. Later big black man I was seeing told me he had a Wisconsin burger which was a burger with lots of kernels of corn.
October 17 dream: At the U.S./Canada border on the Canadian side, riding in a big truck. Could not see out the front window. Don’t know how the driver saw anything. Heard a few hawks. Then saw several in the sky. Later the sky was filled with hawks migrating somewhere. At Prosperos event, Thane is getting ready to give short class. I looked forward to seeing Thane since I knew that he would know what was going on with me. Anne Bollman was registering people. I told her I don’t think I’ve paid yet. On the class notes, Thane talked about going to the store and and buying some sort of candy. Then said, “I really did. They’re.good.” (*This is what I call a great dream. Haven’t had one of these in a long time. Certainly not since I started putting these dreams online. Before last night, I had been having great pains in my sides and nobody seemed able to diagnose my problem. This has been doing on for some 20 years, only becoming more and more acute. On Sunday I had a chocolate chip cookie and that seemed to set things off more than ever. I think that’s why Thane (my teacher self) mentioned eating candy. When I went to sleep that night, I instructed my unconscious to tell me what was going on with my back/sides, whether it was something physical, psychological, from me or from outside of me. In the three dreams prior to this one, I woke up, thanked my unconscious and said that’s fine, but that’s not what I asked for. Finally, in my 4th dream I was given an answer which was, essentially, that Thane (my higher/my teacher self) would let me know what’s going on. In my waking life, whenever I see a hawk it is a sign to me that I am about to make a significant contact with somebody, usually somebody I’ve never met before, sometimes J., the now not-so-young man who has been a part of my life for over 30 years, at least psychically. So to see the sky filled with hawks is a really important symbol to me. I’m never very good at predicting what these great dreams or any dreams portend, but when I find out, I’ll know and I’ll let you all know as well.)
October 16, 2018: Get up at 5:30 am for stress test at VA. Still dark at Geary & 25th Avenue. Run into guy as he’s going to work and I’m photoing a display window. Stress test not as stressful as I feared. Leave VA about 10 am. Guy on 38R I follow all the way to Market Street. When I leave him, he’s practically skipping down the street. Take J home. Take nap. Take #29 to yoga on Balboa. Blond guy on #29 I felt I’d seen before. He takes of his jacket, bends over to put it in his knapsack. Then pulled down his T-shirt to cover his ass. It was very erotic. He looked back and smiled as he did all this so I’m assuming he was putting on a show. I certainly enjoyed it. He got off at SFSU. Dark, big hawk crosses 19th Avenue in GGP while I’m on #29. Lucia at Purusha. Asian guy on #43 home. He had beautiful eyes, beautiful face which he used to look directly at me before getting off at Yerba Buena Avenue. Hugh John calls in pm. Then anonymous call about 7:30 pm.
October 16 dream: Admitted truth to gay newspaper. I was ostracized. But at home, I was still loved.
October 16 dream: My parent(?) wanted me to go and get a loaf of bread at the supermarket.
October 16 dream: At Prosperos event, follow cute guy into agoura. I love him. I loose him. Sexy woman asks me to buy Russian newspaper which she apparently reads. Michael K. really trying to find Hugh John to explain his kiss. When my boss gets back, she looks at my notes about all this.
October 16 dream: Finally figure out why Jordan is moving to Connecticut (Yale University). ‘Cause his young son is being raised nearby. It’s late on Saturday and I come down stairs in Saratoga home. It’s beautiful but not full of love or life. Glad I’ll be moving soon. Harriet is talking about the lawn. I say, “I cant’ remember the last time I mowed that lawn, but we’ve never farmed it out for anyone else to do.” Jordan calling from the closet where he lives, defending the closeted.
October 16 dream: Thane at party. Get’s up in cupboard. I say, “Why is Thane in the closet?” Then he gets down. He’s shorter than most of us. He asks us what is the average height today. People say 6’2”. I’m afraid he’ll call on me. Later someone’s wife sits on my lap and talks about how she and her husband, who is now sitting next to me, play cock in the mouth.
October 15, 2018: In ’til 2ish. Lots of catch-up work. Some phone calls. #43 to Peets Cole Valley. Yoga at 4:30 pm. Jimmie there. 7 pm online meeting. We’re going to go ahead with 11th Hour Dispatch w/Rick monitoring. Melissa hurting my feelings.
October 14, 2018: Call for John Pinkerton in a.m. Made me laugh. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to W.P. Peets. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk and two crows at La Bica and Rockdale. Guy at peak of Mt.D. w/baby on his chest, talking on cellphone, “She no longer has control.” 3 distant hawks on way down. TR group in pm. My concl: Truth is solid state. Think I finished II w/God. Thank God!
October 14 dream: It’s just Ana and me (in the audience). Cenk is out sick today.
October 14 dream: A crisis in the band. Somebody was supposed to call somebody. But they didn’t. I ran home to get the phone number. Run into Bob M. and other guy I know. Decided I needed to be w/the band. Got into pushing match w/cute short dark guy. He ended up liking me and vice versa.
October 13, 2018: In ’til 3:15ish. Talked to Hanz earlier in a.m. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. Walk thru G.P. to Mt.D. Then Myka at Safeway. We talked about etherealization and Descartes. Worked on II w/God for about 5 hours in p.m.
October 13 dream: My female friend plans to get to work via the Golden Gate Bridge instead of the Bay Bridge.
October 13 dream: Gather together my “spiritual” papers(?)
October 13 dream: Navy seals preparing online photos, etc.
October 13 dream: “Okay, radicals, it’s time to take time for yourself.”
October 13 dream: On holiday for a day, a tired Cindy Granieri stops by to say hello. A friendly dog. And the Chronicle delivered to me via U.S. Mail.
October 12, 2018: In ’til 2ish. Work on II w/God. Call at 9:30ish this a.m. I didn’t answer ’cause I thought it was Hugh john who had called hier. Later I presumed it was J. who called. Felt bad about it at C.B. In G.P. (Seth there.) Then realized perhaps that feeling of despair, self-blame is one of the things I pledged to give up in my psychic contract w/J. in January of ’87. Walked toward G.P. #35 showed up at Diamond and Chenery w/its door open. I thought of taking it to the Castro but had no reason to. Nonetheless I got on. Bus driver smiled at me. Got off at 20th & Diamond. Woman smiles at me. Pass by J’s store. Then UPS driver smiles at me. Run into Jim B. on Castro. He invites me to have a drink at 440 Club (where I think J. hangs out). Bartender very nice. Makes me special non-alcoholic drink. Jim joins me. We talk briefly. Then Jim starts talking w/some other guys standing nearby. I take a leak and take my leave. Jim and I embrace. Walk to Mt.D. Run into couple on Mt.D. In conversation w/them I refer to my place as my “home.” Earlier on way to G.P run into guy who asks me about my TYT T-shirt. He says, “The Young Turks?” I say, “Yes, do you listen?” He said, “No, I don’t believe in genocide.” I say, “I don’t either.” May be about the Armenian genocide, since one of their hosts is Armenian and one is Turkish? (*1st hawk from hier relates to J’s call at 9:30am and 2nd hawk relates to me visiting 440?)
October 12 dream: $500 butt plug for yoga(?)
October 12 dream: Most all of trash blown away by strong winds. Only a few bits of clothing left to wash, but not enough for a full load.
October 11, 2018: #29 to yoga. Hawk on Lincoln Way. Got call during yoga. Try to answer it but can’t. RHS mother on way home. I wasn’t betrayed by her. I pretended to have faith in her, and my pretense was verified. Red-tailed hawk in G.G.P. Upset by Arizmendi Bakery on 9th Street. They come off as this great San Francisco bakery but their bread selection was terrible and their customer service was also. Just like my mother comes off as this great woman, great mother but she wasn’t. (Sometimes the Universe, like history, rhymes.)
October 11 dream: A fellow student and I were chosen to raise the fallen Christ in one day. She started watering plants, which had fallen sideways. I get up from bed. Our supervisor is a woman.
October 11 dream: Company is kicking me out of my 30 day apartment. While sleeping, they had packed up all my stuff and stacked it at the doorway. In the a.m. someone knocked on my door. And 3 guys came in and finally told me they thought I was too sick to stay on or at least that was the excuse they were using.
October 11 dream: Being driven home from camp. Tall truck. Some didn’t make it on. We are taken to the Tenderloin, where I live, I think.
October 10, 2018: 101. Rincon. Shits about 3pm. Then again at 3:30 pm. Walk up Pine to watch repair. Then home via #49. Max at Super Duper gave me the wrong order. Gave me real burger instead of veggie patty.
October 10 dream: Saratoga house piled w/stuff inside. My computer is missing. Tom C. suppresses laugh. I say, “Tom C., this is not funny.”
October 10 dream: Barber gives me special between-haircuts haircut. Then asks $20. I’m all out. Will have to get more money.
October 10 dream: Go to Paris. Scary section at first. Indoors. Guy asks me if I’m a freak. I say no. Then fun part where all these young people are hanging out and partying at a construction site.
October 9, 2018: Anonymous call at 11:15 am. Call at 12:45 pm while I was taking a shower. Call while I’m at yoga plus other call via cell phone. (*Total of about 4 or 5 anonymous calls today relate to 4 or 5 hawks from 10/5?) Also Lucia touches me during yoga. But before she rubbed her hands down my back, I felt a sort of precursor of her rubbing her hands down my back. Also connection with beautiful woman in lobby of Purusha after yoga. While I’m RHSing my mother on #44 to G.P., black woman bus driver looks directly at me for about a minute. Not hostile. Just direct and unflinching. Two young boys at W.F. kissed each other and said, “I love you.” Then they held hands. And walked out with their mother and older sister, I guess.
October 9 dream: My new partner is overwhelmed by the storm which is appearing as friendly faces, she says, but then sucking us all down.
October 9 dream: I helped Trump find an address he was looking for. Now he’s somebody else, and I’m taking a trip to Indiana, if I want to have a good time.
October 9 dream: Somebody died at work(?) I tell my boss “I feel so worthless” but I think I just said that ’cause I didn’t know what else to say to him. When I get back to my desk, everybody is reorganizing and there is an electronic buzz. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
October 9 dream: I’m late for work. I’m supposed to be there at 11:30 am and it’s 11:40 am. Met cute little boy. I start to help him tie his little hoodie but woman takes over. Young guy selling health food. I ask he he has a card.
October 8, 2018: In ’til 2ish. Walk to C.B. in G.P. New girl barista there for 3rd day in a row. Finish Imaginary Interview with God. Walk thru G.P. Hear hawk. Cat having sex on Chaves on way to Mt.D. Guy washing car smiles at me on way down. Car is No. 09. Hurricane Michael approaches Florida.
October 8 dream: Turn off the lights at work. As I do, one of the employees I like rubs up against my ass.
October 8 dream: Trying to figure out how to make potato salad, having a big pan of cut potatoes.
October 8 dream: Dream Trump President for 8 years.
October 8 dream: Kamala Harris has crush on me at work.
October 7, 2018: In ’til 3ish. One way to C.B. in G.P. Stop at liquor store to buy notebook so I can work on my Imaginary Interview w/God. They were playing “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” on their stereo. Wrote Part I at Cafe Bello. Walked thru G.P. to Mt.D. On way down Mt.D., I was thinking Jesus and Buddha and mystics throughout history have intuited what God had been saying in Part I. Cute guy walking up Mt.D. smiles at me. Melissa at TR group . She’s still a right-wing nut but I ended up loving her at end of session, in spite of myself.
October 7 dream: Mens rea.
October 7 dream: Not sure what I did, but I was in trouble or thought I was. Walking up wet Market Street, Nancy and Laurie coming down, saying, “We need Mom.” I nod and keep going up towards the Castro. Almost run into somebody. Think how easy it is to get into trouble.
October 7 dream: The big bus I was driving stalled at the corner. I get out and look for help. I get lost in various buildings. People keep getting in my way. My cell phone is blond instead of black and it doesn’t work other than area code 415. (h.o.)
October 6, 2018: In ’til 3ish. New female barista at C.B. Older guy at C.B. who I thought cruised me. Walk thru G.P. to Mt.D. Dramatic view of plane coming out of Mt.D, or so it appeared. “Welcome Back” balloons on Chaves Avenue. Myka at Safeway. I said to him, “Now that you’re no longer Catholic, you can use the I Ching.” Kind of depressed about JJ dream of 10/5.
October 6 dream: Have to write a full report like I did last time, with a bibliography and everything. Guy I’m writing a report on died at 80 of a heart attack. Me feeling lower back pain just like guy sitting across from me.
October 6 dream: Interesting commentary w/fellow students/friends. One new guy. Couldn’t quite hear where he was studying. But at one point he got up and said, “I’ve got to go take a grumpy shit.” When he and others came back he was sitting even further from me. He looked Middle Eastern but he had bleached blond hair.
October 5, 2018: In ’til 3ish, working on II w/Trump and Bambi’s mother. Hawk at San Carlos & San Jose Avenues. Hawk at G.P. leads to 2nd hawk, circling each other. Matt at C.B. Walk thru G.P. Hear hawk. Guy yelling in celebration of something at O’Shaughnessy and Portola. I think maybe Kavanaugh has been denied. So I stick around ’til he crosses street. He says he was just saying hello to his brother/cousins. Perhaps it was also meant as a sign to me. Hawk hovering at peak of Mt.D. Hawk and crow over CCSF main campus. Get phone call as I enter apt. When I say hello, they hang up. Call from 415 area code saying he was in Thailand and that I called him yesterday. Followup: God has also been accused of not loving enough. (See Diary of 10/2.)
October 5 dream: In my dream, someone knocks on my door and I get up and wake up. Thought it was JJ from “Good Times.” Kid Dyne-O-Mite! I was staying in a room which was right on the edge of the ocean. If JJ hadn’t stayed with us, he would have lived a life of petty crime.
October 5 dream: Young woman doing a lovely comedy sketch about paper towels.
October 5 dream: Older woman at bank asks “Can I have dinner?” I pause and say, “Thank you, but no.”
October 5 dream: Call Bill Fennie. Say I am not sure why I called but I’m taking a religious studies class at City College He said, “Yeah, he recommended that.”
October 5 dream: I could sense noise in my room. Guy said, “Knock off the noise. You’re ruining my sex life.”
October 5 dream: Took bus w/lots of poor people w/lots of baggage. Admired guy’s unassuming ass. Went up the hills of S.F. I had a beer. Girl I was interested in had a hot chocolate. I was not as scared as I had been earlier.
October 4, 2018: Got email from Suzanne telling me I was wrong (again) to post the painting “Origin of the World” by Gustave Courbet. She said she would no longer send her written pieces to the BB. I replied to her: “Your defense has been noted.” Was very liberating for me. Met young SFSU cinema student on #29 on way to yoga. His YouTube is called “First Time.” Saw Joe in front of Simple Pleasures Cafe on Balboa. Then saw Gaitlan again at Butter Love. The correct name of his tattoo: “Quousque tandem” which means “For how much longer?” He said he got the tattoo shortly after Trump was elected. Max and Carl at yoga. RHSed Carl afterwards for being so nice to me, I guess. Made me feel vulnerable. See Jesse at Railroad Expresso. He has not yet applied for part-time position at Cafe Bello.
October 4 dream: In a model kitchen, am finally able to start cooking w/gas. My father watches me as I start to make something for his mother, who we call Nannie.
October 4 dream: Looking for a place of my own. Staying w/Steve O’Barr. Then dog comes home. I forgot he was missing. He hesitates before coming in. He sits at piano. Turns into guy. I say, “Go ahead and play something.’ I forgot the keys so something would have to wait a day to be able to do something.
October 3, 2018: Cute, short Asian guy on K on way to 101. Daniel (from SalesForce) stops by at end of 101. We talk about ½ hour. Then another gal stops by and joins in. Blake and Darius (who knew my name) at Super Duper. Beautiful young black man with long dreads reading Ralph Ellison at Rincon. Talk briefly with him. Take N to Cole Street Peets. Waiting for #43, noticed #37 also coming up. I said to myself that I’d take which ever one arrives first. So I take the #37 into the Castro. Woman smiles at me as I board the bus. Walk by 440 Club. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Take #35 to G.P. Then #36. Then #43. home.
October 3 dream: Sitting w/a few different boyfriends, including J., I think. At some sort of KQED auction? (h.o.)
October 3 dream: Giving Sunday Meeting talk. Some blacks in the audience. We were playing tapes of how far we’d gotten to. The name of the brand of tape was “Ransom”. One of the black visitors asked if anybody else noticed this. Then he got up and turned it around so the name “Ransom” faced me.
October 2, 2018: In ’til 1:30 pm. #29 to yoga. Gaitlan at Butter Love: He has Cicero quote tattooed on his shoulder: “Quam diu etiam furor iste tuus nos eludet?” “How Long is that madness of yours still to mock us?” Yoga w/Lucia. Drink cocoa even though I knew I shouldn’t. Walk home thru G.G. Park. Almost tripped and fell on a root. See Fred Cline at 9th & Irving. My bus was just about to arrive so I didn’t flag him down. Matt at C.B. Sense testimony: I don’t love enough. (*Relates to key on sidewalk on 9/23? Also relates to my heart possibly not getting enough blood per the VA?) Came up with this ST after watching movie about French ActUp group in p.m.
October 2 dream: Yard square beds are brought in all 4 of our rooms and our regular beds taken out. In Hanz’s room the bathtubs were filled w/a kind of eel that went into you and cleaned you out. I was trying to take a shower, but no shower curtain, no soap, and no privacy with everybody (all four of us) in the room.
October 1, 2018: In ’til 3ish. Amazing-looking guy – tall, blond, built, smiles slyly when I cruise him at library. Later he kind of stumbles when I follow him briefly into the stacks. (*Relates to distant hawk hier at G.P.?) Then talk to Mary. Another beautiful guy sitting at patio at Peets. I kind of stumble on chair. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. Walk home thru G.P. and Mt.D. Still upset w/Melissa’s subservience to Fox News.
October 1 dream: Moved to place almost the whole of a floor. Some cleaning up to do. Share corner w/some older men, some young. Not sure what type of business.
October 1 dream: Me inside my small square house. Earlier being at dinner w/others. The wine I bought a year ago was still there.
October 1 dream: Washing dishes.
September 30, 2018: Walk to G.P. via W.P. Distant hawks(?) and later hearing hawks at G.P. Matt at C.B. Nice girl bagging my groceries at Safeway. TR group in p.m. Big argument about Kavanaugh hearing. My TR conclusion: Truth is the personification of Oneness in unbroken trust of and with Itself; believing all, welcoming all to a problemless existence. Really repulsed for 2nd week in a row by Melissa’s regurgitating of Fox News talking points about Kavanaugh.
September 30 dream: At table at Prosperos event w/Hugh John and two women. Excuse myself to take a shit.
September 30 dream: Guessing how far we could drive truck/car before running out of gas.
September 30 dream: At Prosperos gathering, Tom C. shows up. He’s shirtless and very skinny. He’s raking near the pool. I say to him: “Now make sure you get every bit of sand.”
September 29, 2018: In ’til 4ish. See Justin in W.F. He’s mad at me. Buy two bottles of sparkling cider for me and one bottle of wine for Ricardo. By the time I got to the Castro, just before arriving in front of the 440 Club, I feel the bag tearing at the bottom. Pass 440 Club. See old friend from the Y. I walk down to 18th Street. Then walk east on 18th Street to Sanchez. In front of house on Sanchez, just before arriving at Ken & Ricardo’s, one bottle of cider slips out and crashes on the sidewalk. (*Relates to J. seeing me as the four of us – Ken, Ricardo, Bonnie and me – say our goodnights at Castro and Market at about 10pm?) Very friendly couple behind me pick up the glass and throw in the garbage.
September 29 dream: Sitting around getting high. Was going to join final round just to be w/them, but decided not to.
September 29 dream: Short instructions about the green room.
September 29 dream: Big clear pool at new Transbay Transit Center.
September 29 dream: Guiding remote(?) truck (or bus) ahead of me. Following very slowly. Guy doing the same.
September 29 dream: A group of us going around to various people’s houses and giving them X’mas decorations.
September 28, 2018: In ’til 3ish. Go to G.P. Seth at C.B. Guy walks in staring at me. I don’t see him and I don’t want to. Then I look up. He’s very hot. So I notice him as he seemed to want me to. Without any indication on my part, before even having eye contact with him, he knew I would be the person who could/would fulfill his need to be noticed, to be mentally caressed, even mentally undressed. Nothing can explain this to me other than the oneness of Mind. Walk thru G.P. to Mt.D. Then #43 home. Re-met Justin at W.F. He told me about bread after I asked him. Re my own abuse: underneath my belligerence there was sadness. And underneath the sadness, there was humiliation.
September 28 dream: Older woman at party gave me the etymology of claustrophobia. I think she got it wrong. I had just looked the word up a few days ago. (h.o.)
September 28 dream: “Crazy” house run by Julia Roberts. One girl finally got a date. I started weeping deeply. Then I started eating the steak on my plate.
September 28 dream: Two young Latino guys walk around my windowed room. I’m staying in. They are family. Then they take the two kids I’m looking after and the dog. I get the dog back.
September 28 dream: Listening to a sad song about ___ and others who die. I know the ending. And I’m dreading this death. And I’m wondering why we all want to hear this song over and over again. It happens on June 23. And that’s the name of the song in the background: “June 23.”
September 27, 2018: Joe playing guitar silently outside Simple Pleasures Cafe on Balboa on my way to yoga. Yoga w/Carl. Max there. G.G. Park runners being cheered on: “It’s all downhill from here.” Former Mayor Mark Farrell there. Burning BBQ fire. Friendly black guy at cafe on 9th Street. As I leave I say: “Don’t forget your [brownie].” He says, “Good point.” Big black “lady of the night” smiles at me at 9th & Irving. As I contemplate that on the bus home, get anonymous call. Dr. Ford testified that her sexual assault resulted in claustrophobia.
September 27 dream: Win $100,000 from some casual effort.
September 27 dream: Cleaning up purse w/amber light 9 sectioned design.
September 27 dream: Little option.
September 27 dream: Secretary friend of mine going to Hawaii for weeks. Try to catch #5 bus twice and miss it.
September 26, 2018: My Asian friend at 101. Blake, Letticia, other guy at Super Duper. Rincon. Beautiful, hot Asian guy at One Market Plaza. (*Relates to 2 hawks and pitbull from hier?) Then go to Castro Theater. Was going to pick up will-call ticket to “The Happy Prince” but decided I didn’t want to wait around for 2 hours. Followed guy in to 440 Club, place where J. hangs out. I looked around. Didn’t see him there. Tried to imagine him there. Felt happy afterwards. (*Relates to coyotes hier who I could hear but didn’t see?) See Walter Lyman w/2 friends at outdoor table on Castro. #35 to G.P. Seth there. Looks like Jesse did not apply for the barista opening there. Ft. Collins mentioned on news. Then the word “kismet” on crossword puzzle I was working on. Rick Thomas calls my email to EC emotional since I said they rejected out proposal, which they did. Kind of knocks me out.
September 26 dream: Heather says I need to get to know Ben better before I can help him. Weekend of ghost festival in town. (h.o.)
September 26 dream: Super about to show me how to _____.
September 26 dream: Some of us are supposed present Advance Seminar to some young people in Oregon very soon. We are meeting to get out notes together.
September 26 dream: It’s Wednesday. I have a talk to give on Thursday. Run into Bob M. He says he’s going to be there. He gives me a big roll of money and some sheets and towels to wash. I go to resto and lady helps me.
September 26 dream: Worried about ____ to be today. [Phone call wakes me up.] Earlier, girl getting interested in me. Me getting interested in girl. (*Relates to big, black “lady of the night” on 9/27?)
September 25, 2018: Tall, blond, guy w/dark glasses on #29 on way to yoga. When he moved to the back of the bus, so did I. Then I sat right adjacent to him. Young lady w/tight gray pants and aqua-colored finger nails got on the bus and sat opposite him. No words were spoken but suddenly he’s thrusting his phone at her and saying, “Can I get your number?” She gives it to him. It was a magical moment, like something out of the wild. Max at Butter Love. Lucia at yoga. Walk home via G.G. Park. Two hawks circle while angry pitbull behind dog fence barks at me. About to take picture of bisons when fire sirens sound. Coyotes go wild. Later I walk by them but don’t see any. Run into runners again, finishing up at the polo field. Asian friend I see all the time at 101 smiles at me broadly. On 101, he barely acknowledges me. Hawk(?) at 9th & Irving. Meet young man from Denmark. He’s exchange student studying business at SFSU. Realized reason I always flinch when people talk about being a chicken was ’cause I was a chicken w/my father. Never really stood up to him. Jerk off in p.m.
September 25 dream: Guy calls during a picnic. I answer phone. He wants to order a hot dog. I’m not sure we have any more. Just some long olives.
September 25 dream: Lots of guys, many shirtless, show up in the basement of my new place of work. They are ready to fight. Not a fight club, but like a rave. I see a few guys I know.
September 24, 2018: Call from “Private Number” says he’s looking for John Pinkerton. Short conversation. He says he’s concerned about my time-share. I say I’ve had no problem. He calls me a dick. Bring C.B. app to Jesse at Railroad Expresso. Leave it w/other barista. Cute guy w/cute white dog at Peets Cafe Cole Street. Nick and Jimmy at yoga on Hayes. Guy sitting on steps after yoga is Kipp school psychologist. Reading book about group connected by sleep disorder. Then we talked about dreams. Then he asked me what book I would recommend. I said: “Strangers in a Strange Land” by Robert Heinlein. Told him I don’t read much anymore. Said I’d see him next week. Then remembered we’re off for a couple of weeks. He wished me “Namaste.” I did the same. Meet cute older French couple looking for “8.” Oh, “Haight.” Told them how to get there in French. Guy on Frida Kahlo Avenue I got off the bus one stop early for. Monday Night group meeting in p.m.
September 24 dream: Beautiful large school hall is lit differently then usual for a special occasion, like a school dance.
September 24 dream: Finally find apt. I like in Paris and move in. Thom Hartmann asks me if I’m going to become a fireman. I say I briefly thought of it.
September 24 dream: Go to Prosperos center to work. People there ignore me. Go to house next door. Thane there. Others. I go into next room to put down food I brought. Thane follows me. He is wearing beautiful floor length shirt. I say, “Wow. That’s beautiful.” He smiles. I say, “You don’t get that at Army Surplus.” He smiles.
September 24 dream: Mystery train car. I enter. There are no windows or openings. I have a box key that I hope will open the far door. It doesn’t work.
September 24 dream: Leigh touching my shoulder in front of girl I’m angry with.
September 23, 2018: In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Matt at C.B. Walk above G.P. Walk by Bill Larsen’s old house on Turquoise. Get mad at CVS cashier for charging me for Sunday paper I had bought elsewhere. Young guy on Chaves smiles at me. See two crows, then hawk on Rockdale Drive. Cute young guy on Mt.D. smiles at me. See key on sidewalk at Monterrey & Ridgewood. TR group in p.m. Hanz joined us. Melissa really thought woman accusing Kavanaugh was making it up.
September 23 dream: Waiting for something, our group agrees to have (mock) auction. I give mic to loudest person.
September 23 dream: At end of work day panicky maid wants me to take her retarded kid. Then I get upset at Alan Blackman. I hold his arms so he won’t touch me but my touch of him feels affectionate in spite of myself.
September 23 dream: Flooding at bottom of Oroville dam. Cars and people being turned over. Tom O. and I try to use their very small elevators to get down there. Tom is more insistent than I.
September 23 dream: Reaching for day-old Sunday paper in the recycling bin. Looking for place to have coffee and something to eat. Smart ass homeless woman finds home with rat outside.
September 22, 2018: In ’til 4:30ish working on exporting Imaginary Interview with the USA to SoundCloud. Talk to Mary at library. Matt at C.B. Walk by June’s salon. Myka at Safeway told me a very sad story of a Ukranian gamer friend of his who died after being conscripted. Cute gay baristo at Philz. Guy who held the door open for me at home as I carried in two bags of groceries. Worked on getting Imaginary Interview with Jesus on YouTube. I think my Imaginary Interviews are getting lost on SoundCloud. While watching Masters of Sex, I came up with an insight about why I’m pissed at sexuality: You’re trying to make me forget where I came from.
September 22 dream: Drinking w/friend to fall asleep while others around me meet and discuss things. (h.o.) (*Falling in love and falling asleep: is there a connection?)
September 22 dream: Touring big ship with a diverse group. Jane Kennedy there. She was happy. She says she walks “like a bird.” Young man draws tremendously detailed drawing as part of assignment we need to turn in. I wonder how he did it in just the time we had on the ship. Two tough-acting young women find each other.
September 22 dream: Having dinner w/three other people. They want me to take a picture of them. My hands and my camera are all messy w/food.
September 22 dream: I ask girl to marry me in order to stop people from always asking me about that. (*My sister Nancy asked me at the family reunion two weeks ago: “Is there anyone special in your life?” I lie and say “No” ’cause it’s so difficult to explain. Yes, there has been somebody special in my life since January of 1987. But not in the usual understanding of that phrase. We communicate with each other often, but only anonymously. I’m probably communicating with him right now. I believe he reads this diary. And I refer to him in this diary from time to time. Anonymity is not my choice, but his. It’s not a relationship I can get out of. I’ve tried. It has made me happy and not-so-happy, like any relationship. And it has been going on for 31 years. And it’s real, though not apparent to others. And it’ll probably last for the rest of my life.)
September 22 dream: Landlord comes by my friend’s apt. He tries to hide. So do I. But door opens on its own and I go outside. And landlord comes in. He talks to my friend. They get along. Three of us are hanging out in front. I put on a cap they gave me. I look like somebody else, but good. The hat fits.
September 21, 2018: In ’til 4ish. Another overcast day. Finally about finished w/Imaginary Interview w/the United States. Go out to Ocean Avenue. My gay Asian friend at Ocean Avenue hardware store. Security guard at Ocean Avenue Target. Cashier at Ocean Avenue Target. Walk to Mt.D. Guy waring Hofstra T-shirt on my way down. Cute Asian guy at W.F. as I was heading out. He went down to parking. I went up to my apt.
September 21 dream: Christian Science version of my/our book.
September 21 dream: We were at table talking about guy who wasn’t there. Perhaps he died. Woman takes an interest in me. I wished I could wash my hands ’cause they were all gooey.
September 21 dream: Visit (via TV) “Battle of Hastings” store. Earlier: party for me. I offer to clean up drops of shit in the toilet, which I hadn’t flushed. Young black mother says she’ll do it.
September 21 dream: Packing up a whole bunch of stuff w/help from some Prosperos friends. Marion Bell there. She says she saw Tom C. recently. I say, “So did I.” Worried about getting all the stuff in the car. Then on to So. 1st Street in San Jose. Then on to airport. They are having a party in the back apt. The apts. above are very quiet. Most everybody gathers around TV to watch popular program which spoofs another program. On TV, woman dancing w/shirtless man from behind. Earlier: Brian Malanaphy won a house in Hawaii, I think.
September 20, 2018: Very good-looking guy gets off #29 before I can connect w/him. Walk to Butter Love. Max there. Tells me about time he met Juliette Binoche in Paris. Yoga with Carl. Walk home via G.G. Park. Beautiful runners there. Beautiful young guy on #43 home. He seemed a little empty. Listen to Jean Houston in p.m.
September 20 dream: The party wraps up between the three different parts of my family. Three of us got gifts and also do most of the clean-up. Guy says, “We ought to have more names on the wall.”
September 20 dream: White guys wearing clothes in the shower singing, “Young, Gifted and Black” at end of work shift.
September 20 dream: Big rock star comes into basement resto wearing women’s shoes. Big kerfuffle.
September 20 dream: Walking down street. Got call on my cell phone from Prosperos group: Tanya, Heather W. and William F. Phone goes dead. Then comes back. Tanya is doing most of the talking. I think it’s nice we have a new person interested in what we are trying to do.
September 19, 2018: Took about 1-1/2 hour to get downtown via Muni. 101 with John F. Max and Blake at Super Duper. Also beautiful Asian man w/friendly gray pit bull. Talked to him briefly on my way out. Gay guy at Rincon Plaza. I saw him across the plaza holding his arms up like somebody just scored a goal. We maintained eye contact when he passed by. F to Castro. #35 to G.P. Matt at C.B. He tells me that barista who had a crush on me returned to Sacto. Jesse and Frank at Railroad Expresso.
September 19 dream: Passed French test. Was thinking of taking Spanish test but was not quite ready.
September 19 dream: Lady volunteers to type letter I need to send to the DMV. At first I refuse. Then I accept. Then beautiful, handsome Latino or Asian guy. (h.o.)
September 19 dream: My room has ceiling to floor paintings and hangings covering the wall, many of George W. Bush and peasants escaping fire strewn streets. Visiting friend comments that he likes it.
September 19 dream: Approaching truck driver we had offended. My partner didn’t want to do it, but I thought it would be okay.
September 18, 2018: Woke up early in a.m. trying to formulate my thoughts about a response to Executive Council’s denial of permission to present Comprehensive Workshop. Wrote an article in the BB about it. (See BB Blogs.) In ’til 1:30ish. Go to yoga on Balboa. Lucia back from Oregon retreat. Jimmie from Monday yoga class there, looking good. Max also. Walk home via G.G. Park. Big race. Lots of kids running to the finish line w/lots of adults urging them on: “You’re almost there!” Walk to 9th and Judah. #43 home. Finally figure out Adobe Audition for my Imaginary Interview with the USA in p.m.
September 18 dream: Good-looking show-offy guy visits office. He’s brother to another good-looking guy already there. People don’t like him. I think he’s funny.
September 18 dream: 3 short friends decide to stay friends even after their short job.
September 18 dream: Writing Phil Matier(?)
September 18 dream: Guy feeling other guy’s ass at party. I want to save the video for later.
September 18 dream: My sister Laurie coming to pick me up for something.
September 17, 2018: Two anonymous calls at 8 or 9 am. In ’til 2ish. Very frustrating a.m. trying to deal with Adobe Audition. Took #43 to yoga. Met young man w/guitar. We had nice conversation comparing his generation to mine. I told him things are better now. Dropped my camera and stepped on it after I got off the bus. Call for Mr. Pinkerton while I’m at Peets Cole Valley. Guy at yoga same as 3 weeks ago. Came w/girl he was tied to (tied by?) Eloise on bus ride home. Meeting w/Rick and Melissa in p.m. re Monday night group.
September 17 dream: Some don’t make it to The Prosperos event.
September 17 dream: Avocado salad for 3 to celebrate Trump’s health law.
September 17 dream: Woman w/naked manly breasts talking w/me and other guy.
September 16, 2018: Sunday Meeting business meeting at 11am. Good meeting. Go to G.P. Matt at C.B. While checking out other cute guy, Asian guy smiles at me. Turns out I had met and talked to him weeks ago. (See Diary of August 11.) His name’s Hariuk. He’s very young. Very cute. Very Japanese. Studying English and hotel management. As we part, he says, “I hope I see you again.” I say, “Me, too.” On Oct. 5, he goes to Boston for 3 months. Then back to Japan. (*Relates to “Expect the Unexpected” from hier? As I was making this connection, guy walking up Mt.D. smiles at me.) Old, rich, unattractive but self-assured black man sitting in his parked white car, smiles at me like he wants me. I smile back. Later white car drives up behind me. I fantasize it’s him, wanting me. In my fantasy, I feign helplessness. Try to cover my hard white dick and lily white butt. But it’s no use. See Myka at Safeway 2nd day in a row. He seems very busy.
September 16 dream: At a bus station, request some live music.
September 16 dream: Go to event. Feel two strange new lumps on back of my left leg. In dream, I’m 78 and want to make it to 80.
September 15, 2018: In ’til 3:15ish. Anonymous call at 3:30pm. Hot guy on Monterey. His penis showed thru his pants. I coulda woulda done him right there. Perhaps I did. He smiled. Seth at C.B. for 2nd day in a row. Guy at C.B. who I talked to about his Kindle. Hear hawk at G.P. Guy on Evelyn Way carrying two jugs of water to water his plants. I say, “Two different kinds of water?” He says, “No, I just didn’t have a jar big enough.” Then cute guy/gal coming out of home on Chaves Avenue smiles at me. Walk up to Mt.D. 3 girls coming down hill talking about the movie Insidious. Steven and Myka at Safeway. Aretha Franklin 8-hour memorial in p.m.
September 15 dream: Move to a new apartment Don’t like it. It’s more expensive and in an isolated location. Stop by snack shack. I want a milkshake but they say they don’t have any, even though there’s a milkshake machine there. Couple pushes ahead of me to get their order.
September 15 dream: Signing up for new owner(?)
September 15 dream: Run into Chris H. He’s having trouble getting his book published. Later get together w/couple. We see sunrise ceremony together. Couple doing ceremony are getting married.
September 14, 2018: Go to W.P. to pick up new glasses. Two cute, young, tough acting black men on Muni on way back. Then beautiful Asian man embracing woman. I touch his arm on way out of Muni. Hugh John calls. Later I give him access to GTM. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. Talk to him about BCS, Korean boy band. Ask him what he’s playing. He says Lauv. Two young girls turn around and smile at me. Finish Imaginary Interview with USA. Walk thru G.P. up to Mt.D. Guy on #43 held eye contact longer than he needed to. Guy outside W.F. who I stood behind at checkout. Meet young guy moving into apartment and back to S.F. after not finding enough friends in Seattle.
September 14 dream: Cave people underneath bushes and underneath ground where we were standing. Our guide says to just leave them the way they are. I notice a white lady down there. She says, “You should be 10 years older.” I say, “I am 10 years older.”
September 14 dream: Driving at night with the brakes not working very well.
September 13, 2018: Risk my life trying to catch #29 to Balboa Street yoga. Cute Asian guy gives me “bother me—don’t bother me” look. I stand until seat next to him is vacant. Finally ask, “Does this bus go to the Presidio?” He says, “I don’t know.” Later I ask, “How far are you going?” He says, “Balboa Street.” I say, “Is that were you live?” He says, “No. I’m going to visit a friend.” When he gets off at Balboa, I get off after him. He looks back a few times. (*Relates to hawk from W.P. station two days ago?) Meet Joy (co-owner of Purusha Yoga) on way to Butter Love bakery. Black guy in line, then, when I look again, he’s gone. Run into Max at Butter Love. Walk home from yoga via G.G. Park. Hear hawk in G.G.P. Shits in p.m. In p.m, come up w/solution for presentation of Comprehensive Workshop (*See 2nd dream of September 11.)
September 13 dream: Muhamed coming back on next trip w/other student.
September 13 dream: J. taking off pants and putting on something else. I hope it’s sexy.
September 13 dream: Guy (me?) marries into Disney family. His/my father-in-law would be Walt.
September 12, 2018: Handsome, impressive black guy at 101, takes my hand-outs. Beautiful but scary young, blond homeless guy towards the end of our stay at 101. Blake and Max at Super Duper. Two guys at Rincon: one entering the men’s room as I exit. The other while I was looking for a table. Matt at C.B. Young black couple (male and female) take long time in the bathroom. Matt finally knocks on the door. Shits when I get home. Anonymous call at 5:30 p.m.
September 12 dream: Matching circular cave to get in touch w/other cave. (h.o.)
September 12 dream: Connie Caves “jokingly” trying to boss me around.
September 12 dream: Two guys (w/o tickets) trying to get thru maze and authorities to see the show. At end two dirty college kids get mixed up w/large homeless group.
September 11, 2018: Take like 5 buses to Chestnut Street camera store. Hawk at W.P. station. Hear hawk at Clarendon. Buy new camera, insurance, case. Rush to yoga at 3:15 p.m. Max there. Back from Germany and France. Walk thru arboretum to 9th & Irving. Hear of lots of ducks(?) making noise in the background. Guy there who shows me what buses stop there. I take N w/him to 9th & Judah.
September 11 dream: Dream to do w/spacemen?
September 11 dream: Touch and raise hands together to remind ourselves of our goal as a group.
September 10, 2018: Take #29 to VA. Meet SFSU criminal justice student. We admire each other’s T-shirts. I had on my “Frisco” T-shirt. He had on a “Sunnyside” T-shirt. Then high school kid at cafe at 33rd Avenue and Geary. Walk to VA from there. Get to class early. They tell me to wait. I decide to leave. Go home. Go to 4:30 yoga on Hayes Street. Same instructor as class I had just dropped out of. Felt scary, like being a kid, going up against authorities who think they know what’s best for me. S.E. group at 7pm. We talk about our response to not being allowed to present Comprehensive Workshop.
September 10 dream: The whistle blows. It’s time to compete w/my friend in baseball. (*Relates to writing response to not being allowed to present Comprehensive Workshop.)
September 10 dream: Rushing home and back in only a towel. Run into Hugh John on way back. (*Relates to writing response to not being allowed to present Comprehensive Workshop.)
September 9, 2018: Drive home from Santa Cruz. Hear Richard Wagner’s “Wedding March” on radio. Drop off car. Walk by J’s place. Go to Chestnut Street. Camera store closed. #28 to Ocean. See my hot friend at Ambrosia. He goes out of his way to say goodbye to me. Take 3 hour nap. Walk to Mt.D. Rearrange apt. to fit in table Aunt Joanne gave me.
September 9 nap dream: Riding across river in England w/two women in the front seat. The door on the right was open. I shut it from the back. Woman was unfazed. We were very close to the water. I think they were thinking of driving in.
September 9 dream: Bob M. sprays my mouth w/tooth whitening as he and his girlfriend leave for the day.
September 9 dream: Teasate desonate.
September 9 dream: Tom O. brings back not-very-attractive guy from party. They get out of shower together. Both have short pants on.
September 9 dream: At therapy session, one of the leaders (Willem Defoe) wants to have sex with me. He takes his clothes off. He has a hard-on. I embrace him and sooth him instead.
September 8, 2018: Got email today that Al did not approve our presenting Comprehensive Workshop class. Walk to downtown Santa Cruz. 3-way fender bender on Water Street. Cute greeter at CVS. Call from Melissa while walking downtown. Cafe. Cute guy on Pacific smiles at me, as if he knows me. Then I cruise dark cute guy on Pacific. Walk to Foster’s Freeze. Feel “shitty.” (*Relates to cute black worker there adjusting his pants for me.) Meet “Iron Man” on way to S.C. Boardwalk. Walk towards Aptos. Run into Nancy & Marissa in their car. Turn back. Run into Iron Man again. His name’s Merrick. He’s from S.F. (*Relates to last night’s dream of white male being stripped by black guys? Also to 3-way fender-bender from today?) Same black guy at Whole Foods-type store on Soquel as hier. Family reunion dinner – part III. Was pretty good. Finally met Matt, my step-sister’s son. Met Carly, my 11-month old daughter of my nephew Jordan. Robin. Leigh. Cathy. Laurie, Nancy. Marissa. Michelle. Sam. And more. (*1st and 3rd dreams of last nite relate to tonight’s reunion dinner part III.)
September 8 dream: I volunteer to type class list though it’s a pretty big job.
September 8 dream: Someone squashed the flower I carefully put in vase.
September 7, 2018: Walk to downtown Santa Cruz. Hear hawk near river. Guy playing, “Got a letter from my baby.” 2nd time I walked by him, decided to throw in a dollar. Since all he had was bit of change in his open guitar case, I thought that would be enough. Just as I threw in my dollar, woman came by and threw in $5. I took that as confirmation that I would “get a letter from my baby.” Cute dark UPS driver on walk home. Two big shits today. 4:30 dinner at Billy’s rental. Meet Heath and Trevor, Joel’s sons. Had good connection with Trevor’s fiance. Left a little early. (*See first dream of September 6.) Last weekend at Prosperos assembly, I learned how much I feared nonacceptance by my family. This weekend, I have opportunity to confront that.
September 7 dream: Docked on ship but still battered by storm and incoming waves. Couple of men die.
September 7 dream: A white thief runs through a bunch of black men. One pulls his shoe off. I hope they pull his pants off. (h.o.)
September 7 dream: Students take over Sunday Meeting. I say to Ann, “Be gentle.” I was supposed to be speaker. I had on my black shorts. Later there was voting for what to auction.
September 6, 2018: Drive to Santa Cruz. Some hawks. Family reunion dinner in p.m. in Soquel. Difficult time getting there. First night of three. People were happy to see me.
September 6 dream: Walking. Wondering how long this would take. Trying to find a place to stop. Try to avoid a few dangerous homeless people. (*Relates to Dinner II on September 7?)
September 6 dream: Cute girl at Market and Castro asks me to attend her play rehearsal on Saturday or Sunday nite.
September 5, 2018: 101. Rincon. Meet Danny the magician at Market and Castro. Take #24 with him to Mission. On way two of his school friends greet him. He seems very concerned about them. 11:20 am blank message when I get home. Memory of Menlo Park garage. Something scary.
September 5 dream: At ranch trying to get under covers “purely.”
September 5 dream: Making love to strange lady in Paris while her boyfriend watches. When I took off my pants, she didn’t want to any more. They didn’t want me to leave, but I got away. Had to leave some papers behind. Walked thru other dark, strange parts of Paris. Met cute guy who offered me pie. He was somehow connected w/other couple. AME church bus passes by.
September 4, 2018: Go to yoga at 3:15 pm.
September 4 dream: Decide to run for office. Go to the Army boys who have guns. One grabs the hole in my pants. (h.o.)
September 4 dream: Child genius wants me to dress up so we can impress somebody and advance in our lives.
September 3, 2018: Drive home. Leave about 6 or 7am. Get to SF about 3pm. Take 4 hour nap when I get home.
September 3 dream: Melbourn speaks on d-day and again soon after. Wanting big poster.
September 3 dream: Waiting for Harvey Rose from City Hall. He is gay icon. (h.o.)
September 3 dream: Leigh upset that I did something to upset her daughter Isabelle.
September 2, 2018: Sunday at Assembly. I give my talk at about 9:30 am. Goes over pretty well. Not sure many in the audience of 26 or so who really give a damn about the teachings of The Prosperos. Not sure why they are even there. I showed my “What is a Prospero?” YouTube video. The volume was too low and they didn’t want to turn the light down so it would be brighter on the wall. In breakout group in afternoon, I shared that I still felt nervous, even after my talk. Later I discovered that my real nervousness for the whole weekend was the banquet dinner where it would really be apparent how uncomfortable I was/am with this group of people. Probably relates to family history as well. Family reunion next weekend in Santa Cruz. More of the same?
September 2 dream: Guy shoots gun. People duck. He runs out into the street. He may have been hit, but I/we are still in danger. Try to call 911.
September 1, 2018: Ran into Amy having breakfast with Hanz. I sat down with them. Hanz left. Amy told me about herself. Not quite so excited about her now. Had shits about 3:30 p.m. Assembly during the day and evening. Had dinner with Calvin and Tibor at expensive Italian place. Later both Tibor and I had the runs.
August 31, 2018: Lots of hawks on drive down to Long Beach. Terrible traffic contractions in Santa Barbara and S.F. Valley and 405 south leading to Long Beach. Got lost in L.B. Used Google maps. (*Young hawk from hier relates to someone calling for John Pinkerton before I take off? Or to Amy Cuff at Assembly late on that p.m.?) Got very excited about Amy Cuff in p.m. Could hardly wait to see her next day.
August 30, 2018: Yoga at 2pm w/Lucia. #29 both ways. Black woman who I hated when she got on the bus heading to VA I kind of admired when she left. (*Relates to Calvin at Assembly?) Young hawk on 25th Avenue while waiting for #29. Get off at SFSU. Guy on Juniper Serra likes my “Frisco” T-shirt. Walk home. Meet Ryan on way in. He’s just moving in to 4th floor. Evening of lots of noise from Apt. 429 above me. Had to go up at 1:20 am and calm them down. He was nice as usual. I think it was his girlfriend who was making all the commotion.
August 30 dream: I’m very concerned about the economy of the gay community I live in. See Bob M. at store. I pull on some wire from my nose and start to bleed.
August 29, 2018: 101. Older naked guy walks by. Guy playing Xmas song. Rincon. Take F to Castro. Guy asks me about my TYT T-shirt. Think he may have been coming on to me. Strange couple on K. Hot but unresponsive young guy at W.F. Sign apt. lease. Watch two Bruce Lee DVDs in p.m.
August 29 dream: One tells me how to behave (h.o.) I’m on trial?
August 29 dream: Trying to rescue a whole bunch of people smoking opium or something. (h.o.)
August 29 dream: Looking at apt. in back of house. Something to do w/Russian novel. Doug Galias comes by. He shows me note from his wife. She lists 4 master cycles. He shows me apt. he says he is not interested in.
August 29 dream: American in Paris. Remember why I didn’t like being there. I didn’t know what to do, where to go. Something about Hugh John’s sons. Amy Goodman tells me how successful resto next door is. 200-300 customers daily. It’s closed today.
August 29 dream: We’re about to have our sandwiches. I’m sitting on some guy’s lap. Then I get off. Earlier I see Bill Murray on the street. We wave. He looks pretty bedraggled.
August 28, 2018: 11 am anonymous call. 12 pm anonymous call. Yoga at 2pm. Lucia, Mike, Brian and me. “Enter the Dragon” showing at Balboa Theatre. Walk home. Hear hawk on way to S.G. Guy walking his dog at S.G. He likes my TYT T-shirt. Mr. Blair on K on way home. Walter Lyman at W.F. Insight: I think my step-family was a cult.
August 28 dream: Return Thane’s car to meeting place. Try to avoid some women outside. Part of SF I’m rarely in. Leave car w/someone. Freudian slip: I say Mary Ritley instead of Mary Renault. (h.o.) I wonder how long Thane will live.
August 28 dream: Singer guy has big room for his flat. He hasn’t done much w/it. I ask about his girlfriend. Then she appears, very well dressed in business suit, and leaves. He says he’s really a “second.” I said, “You mean like if I married Oprah?” Oprah appeared and asked what we were talking about.
August 28 dream: J. at his store. There’s a busy line of people he’s helping. He doesn’t see me. I leave.
August 28 dream: W/friend in big shopping area. Wonder If I got together w/someone if I’d be the type of person to ignore my friends.
August 27, 2018: Meet Ming Ming at Walgreens on Ocean Avenue. Cute effeminate gay Asian on Ocean I follow to Ashton Avenue. I ask him, “Are you lost?” He says, “I’m waiting for Uber.” I say, “Good ole Uber.” (*Relates to hawk in G.P hier?) Later gal on Sloat. (*Relates to distant hawk at same time as main hawk hier in G.P.) My VA primary emails me that there was no difference in my ECG from 2016 and 2013. (*Relates to animated dream of August 25 in which people trapped are no longer trapped? Also to 3838 and 1111 from hier?) Go to yoga on Hayes. Take #43 before. I sit across from guy laughing at something on his phone. Finally, I say, “You watching something on YT?” No response. New guy at yoga. I ask him, “Are you coming or going?” He says, “I’m staying.” Turns out he was w/girl who he stuck to like glue. Also, nice young man there who told me this was like the yoga class he took in Louisville, KY. Jimmie there also. Drop cottage cheese at W.F. Meet cashier Henry at W.F. S.E. group in p.m.
August 27 dream: Trying to finish task at new company. Not sure if I did or where to turn it in. Woman who was pregnant w/two babies in two bodies. I wondered what her tits looked like. I told host that he had nice house to bring guests over.
August 26, 2018: TR: Truth is unobstructable functionality. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Cute guy at San Jose and Santa Rosa Avenues. Then cute guy crossing pedestrian overpass on 280. Matt at C.B. Also very smelly homeless person decides to sit next to me. Big hawk at G.P. Shirtless runner near Tower Market. Pee on walk up Mt.D. TR group in p.m. Occlude means: to shut up.
August 26 dream: Richard B. flirting w/Nancy O. Nancy O. liking it.
August 26 dream: Old tiger comes to the compound. It can hardly move. It wants me to play w/it. I’m waiting for J. Then real live tiger makes an appearance, moving quickly towards us, then away. It doesn’t want to be trapped. I wake up.
August 26 dream: 2 or 3 of us confront our boss and tell her she’s got to treat us better. She refuses. Then becomes a kind of alien ET with long skinny fingers.
August 25, 2018: Beautiful black man at W.F. Kind face. Wonderful Afro. Mary at library. Give her my BB3 link. Met Alan at Ocean and Miramar. Followed him to library. He is a cute, friendly Asian structural engineer. Knows Spanish & Mandarin (and flawless English). Just moved to neighborhood. (*Relates to hawk I see and hear hier in G.G. Park?) Walk to G.P. Matt at C.B. See distant hawk/hear hawks at G.P. Mt.D. Myka at Safeway. He was sitting on outside bench, taking his break, exactly where we left off last week. I asked him if he knew about “Euler’s Identity.” He did. Then he started to talk about exponential logic. He talked about the equation 1/1+∞ = 0, which is almost exactly the equation 1/∞ = 0 which I wanted to share w/him. To me, this proves that if we concede to an infinite universe, there can be nothing finite. That is, 1/∞ = 0. He didn’t quite see if the same way, but we were pretty close. Carried grocery bags all the way home. Jury duty on Person of Interest. Also, 3838 or 1111 (meaning, to me, that everything is okay.)
August 25 dream: Animated (black & white cartoon), progressive people (guys marrying guys) in NY and LA are trapped but finally freed when the electronic walls are brought down.
August 25 dream: Friend and I stop to eat in small town. He wants David Miles to stop being in the band. I look for place to pee. Now we’re on top of moving train and David is talking to me about his band: “The public has got to change needles.” Then someone arranged for him to talk to Ben Gilberti.
August 25 dream: Moved law books down steep slide to new office. Now looking for Leibnitz. Little half-naked black boy w/gray hair runs at me from another part of the building and wants to play.
August 25 dream: Take lunch break at place that serves no lunch, though woman did offer me a seat. I begin letter. It’s almost 2 pm. I need to get back to work.
August 24, 2018: Go to VA. Vicky there. Beautiful guy in waiting room. Amazing body with loose but body-hugging clothes. Last appointment there was with EKG. My ECG is abnormal, I read from paper lady gave me without a word. I’m in a sort of daze. I walk about 10 blocks. Then walk back. (Hear and see hawk in G.G. Park.) My primary has left. Very nice guy at Medical Practices tries to help me out. He offers to leave my ECG in primary’s mailbox. I say okay. Go to downtown Transit Center. Hoped the bus would enter the center. It just dropped us off on Mission Street. F to Castro. Spikes. Then leave before I get my drink ’cause #35 arrives unexpectedly. Go to G.P. Seth at C.B. Cute guy in front of BART smiles at me. I think his father picked him up. Take BART home. Then #8. Connor at W.F. Email my VA primary. TR in p.m. Concl: Truth is one equally androgynous indisputable heart. Or: Love is indisputable.
August 24 dream: About to release some photos of Auschwitz. Some think I’m being cynical.
August 24 dream: Guy checking out my art ___ calls me “Obe.” Says I look like crap. I am trying to wear two blue jeans jackets. One around my waist.
August 24 dream: The veterans who actually saw combat are congratulated. It gave me new insight into them.
August 23, 2018: #29 and #31 to yoga. Cute Asian guy on #31. Lose him in the confusion of lady getting off bus w/her aisle-wide baby carriage. Left my yoga matt behind at Butter Love bakery. Then remember it. Walking home thru G. G.Park. Hear hawk. Meet guy at 19th Ave. & Sloat. He’s wearing big floppy hat to protect himself from the sun. He said, “I know it looks silly.” I say, “Yeah.” (*Relates to shits from hier about the same time.) Blank phone message from 12:41 pm when I get home.
August 23 dream: Guy knocks on our back door w/30 religious refugees.
August 23 dream: Dominic, the stewardess’s son and plane hall monitor, leaves the plane and will again.
August 23 dream: I am living in big apt. alone. Carol Carter likewise. Calvin likewise. Woman really glad to see me as I leave apt. Carol Carter there too. Carol slaps woman to “wake her up.” Calvin is painting.
August 23 dream: Talking w/Laurie, Ugur outside workplace. I tell Laurie that I lent my Mercedes to her daughter. I told her the brakes work, but you have to press them really hard.
August 22, 2018: Anonymous call at 9:30 a.m. Call in sick for 101. Go to Rincon. Max and Blake at Super Duper. Anonymous call at 3:05 p.m. “Epic” T-shirt. Anonymous call at 4:40 p.m. Seth at C.B. Shits at C.B. Cute young guy in back seat of #35. I sit next to him. He poses for me on his way out.
August 22 dream: Staging an indoor demonstration against war in the Pacific and other things. Someone from Christian Chron outside the window wants a quote.
August 22 dream: Meet “crazy” street person w/AIDS and talk w/him.
August 22 dream: Guy buying a house in Richmond, CA.
August 22 dream: Me moving into very low level apt. Part of the stairway down is just a pole. Other man there looks homeless. Discover outside area, but once outside, the plants mostly dead.
August 21, 2018: #29 to yoga. Have hot chocolate before. Shouldn’t have. #18 and walk back. Cute guy at W.F. Finished BB3 in p.m.
August 21 dream: _____ puzzle.
August 21 dream: Big plane flying over head.
August 21 dream: Me and Carol Carter having sex or about to.
August 21 dream: Me being in the same room w/the one I loved, the one I wanted to have sex with. He (or I?) was at the copy machine.
August 21 dream: Rare sunny day in the Sunset.
August 20, 2018: Work on BB3. Go to yoga. Meet old woman at Peets Cole Street who recommended Joanna Lumley (born on May 1). Robin from PDA after yoga.
August 20 dream: Lucid dream: It’s raining.
August 20 dream: Screwed up some typing. Woman boss upset. June Brown(?) was our server. My co-worker found his address.
August 20 dream: Join a newly forming sort of AA group made up of “lovers” from the straight life. Guy I had met brings me lots of gold to support the group. We wonder where he got it. Leader seems to like me. He says, “The right attitude is Important.” I say, “What is the right attitude?” and wake up.
August 20 dream: Return from trip. Everyone goes their own way. Parents stay in their room. I go to the ___. Walk down street I hadn’t walked down in a while. It’s beautiful. Some construction work.
August 19, 2018: Terrible night last night. Runny nose. 11am Sunday Meeting with Rick Thomas. Great talk on androgyny and eros. Calvin calls. In essence, says there’s nothing they can do to play my video at my Assembly talk. Then take nap. Then go to G.P. Matt at C.B. Get anonymous call at C.B. (*Relates to hearing hawk in G.P. hier?) Call Heather re playing video at her assembly talk two years ago. She said there is a 100% chance I would be able to do that as well. Felt betrayed by Calvin, my Prospero mother, my gay mother. (*Relates to England/mother dream of August 17? Also my bad night from last night?) TR group in p.m.
August 19 dream: Decide to get rid of whole shelf of questionable food.
August 18, 2018: Seth at C.B. Hear hawk at G.P. Cute little frisky, friendly dog and very old man at top of Mt.D. Also pregnant lady. Then squirrel on Myra. Steven at Safeway. Get a chance to actually talk w/him for a while as he was temporarily taking over the deli. Myka and I then talk and continue our conversation outside as he takes his break. At end, I say, “We’ll have to continue this next week.” he agrees. Watch “Love, Simon” DVD in p.m. Think of Thomas Carroll.
August 18 dream: I ask roommate to hold it down w/his girlfriend. Now she sits across from him instead of next to him at resto next door.
August 18 dream: In room trying to get to sleep alone. Kind of scary. Manager knocks on all the doors checking on everybody.
August 18 dream: Washed my wig. Guy was going to give me a haircut but he had no openings ’til Friday at 8 am. I needed the haircut for work.
August 17, 2018: “IRS call” just as I’m leaving home. (*Relates to shits from hier? Also shadow of hawk in G.G. Park hier?) Some nice/cute policemen at liquor store on S.J. Avenue. Seth at C.B. Walk to G.P. Walk to Mt.D. As I’m wondering if Therese Neumann’s miracles were real, tree stump which I had passed dozens of times comes out and scratches me. Two guys on #43 on way home. Dinner at Pakwan. Thane’s minimizing “being diddled with” as a child was meant as a help to me? “Cause I was diddled with, but I didn’t really think it was a big deal (though I thought I should think it was a big deal.) (*Relates to Thane dream of August 13?)
August 17 dream: My new short boyfriend runs around.
August 17 dream: In England, girl takes a real dislike to me and vice versa. Messy package guy gave me to mail fell apart. I try to put it back together. Older guy tries to help me out. (England is the mother country, so I think this dream is about my mother taking a dislike to me and vice versa.)
August 17 dream: Woman going to get groceries. Returns. I attempt to go down ladder. My brother Tom seems to be in the way.
August 17 dream: Taking trolley of sorts down side of beautiful seaside hill. Didn’t know what kind of vehicle it was, but it seemed to be working. I wished I had my camera. On the lower level, many babies whose heads appear to be green styrofoam. Man seeing his new baby. Another man smiling at his mathematical calculations. Older guy pushes other older guy around. They’re trying to sell some tract of land.
August 16, 2018: Go to yoga. Really tough trip on #29. Walk to Balboa commercial area. Am in hurry to get to Butter Love before yoga. See interesting looking guy. Wait around for a few minutes. After he reads resto menu, I say, “Does it look good?” He says, “I think it looks really good.” He is beautiful, young, Asian, and beaming. I go on to Butter Love. There is a line so I head back looking for my Asian friend. I thought I saw him enter into one of the restos on Balboa, yet he was in none of them. Was he a tulpa? What would be the point, if he were. Wonderful yoga class. Walk thru G.G. Park on way home. Shadow of hawk. Feel shits coming on. Get home. Shits. “Expect the unexpected on Friday.”
August 16 dream: Settle in for the nite on ship. Short captain’s mate offers me some space. (h.o.)
August 16 dream: Administered medicine to the folks waiting. (h.o.)
August 16 dream: This guy pretends that he’s J. I don’t think so. Then he smiles and my heart races.
August 16 dream: Guy getting his kidneys operated on, his tits held up with tape.
August 16 dream: Guy says he’s looking for something. I say, “Don’t worry. You’ll find it. We’ll all find it.” I’m feeling virile. Looking for a way out of resto thru the window. Too cluttered or women eating too much food in the way.
August 15, 2018: 2 anonymous calls in a.m. 101. 3 lesbian couples. Matt (who pretended he didn’t see me or know me). My Asian friend. Blake at Super Duper. Janitor at Rincon. Got off F at Market & 5th to give street drummer $5 in honor of the Aretha Franklin songs he was playing. Another F came right away. Young guy on F gave me look like he wanted to kill me or have sex w/me before getting off at 16th Street. I walk up Castro to 19th Street. Guy smiles at me on way. I take that as a good omen. Wait for #35. Throw trash away while waiting. Woman on #35 expressing interest in me. Matt at C.B. J home.
August 15 dream: Lining something up w/o getting shit on me. (h.o.)
August 15 dream: After Assembly party. I’m happy that I’m not drunk. Hugh John mad because the spotlight is too bright. Calvin holding black baby doll in his lap. I tell him, “You’re been productive.”
August 14, 2018: #29 to Balboa. Skateboarder on #29 with cute butt and bad attitude. #31 to yoga. Stop at Butter Love first. Decided to give up on “healthy” drinks and get some hot chocolate. It was excellent and no nasty side effects. Girl leading prior yoga class smiles at me as I come in. Great yoga class w/Lucia. Later, outside, I asked her if she was driving back to Marin. Se said, no, she was going to get a chai tea. I kind of showed interest in going w/her but she shot me down—all nonverbally. (*Relates to hawk being chased away by other birds on O’Shaughnessy on 8/12?) Walk to Taraval. Then #29 home. Cute Asian guy on #29 gets off on Grafton. Meet with Billiejoe at W.F. at 5p.m We end up spending 4 hours or so improving my Jesus podcast. Giving Jesus a lower voice than mine. (*Relates to 2nd dissemination dream of 8/12?)
August 14 dream: Making sure the podcasts are saved correctly.
August 14 dream: Bobby Reynolds and I have a nice chat.
August 13, 2018: Anonymous phone call at 7:20 a.m. First dream of August 12 relates to publishing my new podcast of Imaginary Interview with Jesus. #43 to yoga. Cute guy gets off at 9th Avenue and Lawton. Peets on Cole St. Yoga. #43 home. Cody at W.F.
August 13 dream: Road 7223 and ___ are both fast-track roads.
August 13 dream: Was going to join the Navy, then realized I start a new temp job now and a new permanent job in a week. I needed a job for the health care.
August 13 dream: In strange bus. Driver is long-haired guy with backless shirt, showing his butt. He drives down little hill. Puts on brakes. They don’t work. I shut front door of bus and get back in. It stops before it hits anything. Everybody gets out. It’s sort of a party now. I see Thane there. He has a white beard. He’s looking for Chester. Then talks about B.P. Pecker. I try to talk to him as long as I can but other people come between us. I drop most of my hot dog. Guy asks me if I found a Coke. I say yes.
August 12, 2018: In ’til 3:30ish working on II-JC. Go to C.B. Matt plus four cute guys. Least attractive guy seemed most willing to play. Hawk on way up O’Shaughnessy. Mt.D. Cold and foggy day. “Hurricane John” settling down. TR group in p.m. Meteor shower this p.m.
August 12 dream: Something is ready for dissemination (h.o.)
August 12 dream: More dissemination. Being Jewish is the one sad omen of my life if I bed MiSS.
August 12 dream: Old woman who wanted me to visit her. She said, “Sorry.” Then guy drives his jeep thru small pool next to his office. Then Clark Gable with “yet prophecies,” a gash in his mouth and chin, same disease my brother had.
August 11, 2018: Jerk off in a.m. Anonymous call around 1pm makes me laugh. Go to new Transbay Terminal. So crowded I couldn’t get in. Walk up Market Street. Guy on F. I followed him off at Laguna. Walked to Castro. Waited at 19th & Castro for #35. Go to G.P. Seth at C.B. Meet Hari at C.B. 19-y-o Japanese student of English and hotel management. Get haircut from June. Myka at Safeway. Beautiful man on #43 on way home.
August 11 dream: In law office trying to help someone find something. I think maybe I should have been a lawyer.
August 11 dream: Class is finishing up and I’m not sure I get the significance(?) Teacher says it would really be valuable to tweet him my resources.
August 11 dream: At Harvey Milk plaza, woman teacher turns into cute male guy. He’s still working on problem. So am I.
August 10, 2018: Go to dentist. Cute and sweet N Muni driver where J should have been. Black receptionist had tattoo on her breast. She smiled at me. Take F to Castro. Wait at 19th & Castro for #24. Then J to G.P. Matt at C.B. K to W.F. Waited for Billy Joe. He didn’t show up. Worked on II w/J.C. Cleaned bathroom.
August 10 dream: Marilyn D. stands in for one of the 4 female dancers. At a pausing point, she reaches back to me and I show her the various white flowers I am passing out during the dance.
August 10 dream: Naked man on train. Later he is running naked on running path. Then he has pants on. I go to meet w/Ellen Degeneres to work on a project.
August 9, 2018: Two rings at 8:15 a.m. Go to yoga class early. First stop at La Promenade Cafe on Balboa. Meet Richard (American citizen born and raised in Japan). We talked about ½ hour. At the end of our conversation, I asked him what sign he is. He said Cancer. I said, a Cancerian trying to reach out to someone might say, “Have you eaten?” Later realized that’s exactly what he did w/me when he asked me if I had any restos I could recommend. Later saw Lucia or a woman whose back side looked like Lucia in Butter Love cafe. Turns out it wasn’t Lucia, but she smiled at me anyway. Then hawk screaming and flying away in G.G. Park. Then woman w/nice breasts and her dog. She smiled at me, too. (Relates to 3 hawks from August 7? Also relates to dream of August 7 of being abroad in a foreign country and looking forward to getting home?) Hawk on 41st Avenue. Beaucoup of police on 15th Avenue. Young woman on sidewalk and I exchange glances. Walk all the way home. W.F. Anonymous calls at 6 pm and 8:45 pm.
August 9 dream: At end of concert, Sue Williamson (my manager) and Oprah give me designs to look over for possible two person concert: a musician and a speaker.
August 8, 2018: Two fire alarms in early a.m. Many handsome men at 101 today. Blake, Max at Super Duper. Nice, cute janitor at Rincon smiles at me and vice versa. Take F to Castro. #35 right away to G.P. Pass J’s store. His bike there(?) Seth at C.B. Cute, young guy on #23. I get off at same stop he gets off, which was two past my usual stop. Feel scared at home of a repeat of last nite’s noise from upstairs neighbor.
August 8 dream: Lucid Dream: Guy says to me, “You’ll have to kneel.” So I do.
August 8 dream: Wheeling over whole bunch of cookies w/Rick T. (h.o.)
August 8 dream: In gay steam room taking shower. Guy I like asked me if I have a pen. I say no. Then I realize he might be asking for something else.
August 7, 2018: Painful wart on my left foot. Word tracked virus. “Warts and all.” Then this a.m. the saying: “worry wart.” That seemed to apply. #29 to yoga. Cute Asian guy gets off at SF State. Other guy stands in way as we leave stop. Same guy later gives me impish look when he gets of several blocks later. Victoria (formerly blonde barista) w/tattoos at La Promenade cafe on Balboa. Then other guy sitting across from me. Lucia and others at yoga. Walk home. 1 hawk, then 3 hawks near Holy Names School. Then single hawk on Vicente. Mary at library. Muscular guy in muscle T-shirt at W.F. I should have been turned on, I guess, but I wasn’t. #429 above having party? I go upstairs. Cute, sweet Asian guy answers door. He says he knows.
August 7 dream: Am abroad, looking forward to plane landing home. Cute guy in trouble. Teacher leaves him be. Some old playwrights honored. Guy says, “I have to write a play soon.”
August 6, 2018: Got up late. Worked on BB2 for hours. In ’til 3pm. Take #43 to yoga. Muscular guy from Wharton at Peets Cole Valley. Yoga #43 back. Cute Asian medical professional on #43. Guy on Ocean Avenue, looking back. Beautiful black homeless guy in front of Walgreens Ocean Avenue, his wife reading book on kundalini yoga, he said. Worked more hours on BB2 in p.m.
August 6 dream: Laurie builds beautiful salad for tomorrow. (h.o.)
August 6 dream: Calvin preparing a big meal for many. His cart tips over. A piece of the crust falls off. We pick it up and pretend nothing has happened.
August 6 dream: I am poetically outlining my suicide.
August 6 dream: Crinium.
August 6 dream: Went to my doctor. Was trying to explain the importance of the unconscious to her.
August 5, 2018: Worked on BB-Episode 2. Walk to C.B. back way. Guy on S.J. smiles at me as he heads into Balboa Park. I was happy about my work on BB2 and I think his smile was recognition of that. Matt at C.B. Walk to G.P. Then Tower Market. Bag man there interested in my DVD about the Third Reich. Mt.D. Guy wearing ankle boot, walking his dog, on way down. I thought he looked hot and the boot just added to the eroticism. He smiled at me. W.F. worker on my way in. Also odd couple walking out from #429. My new upstairs neighbor? TR group in p.m.
August 5 dream: Lucid Dream: Decide to let the dog in. (I knew it was a dream, so I opted to let the dog in instead of shutting the door on him, as I had intended.)
August 5 dream: They gave me a whole bunch of cash at work for the extra work I’ve been doing. So I put it in my pocket and get on a Muni trolley and just hope nobody notices it.
August 5 dream: Looking at young woman’s naked butt. Worrying about my gay credibility.
August 5 dream: Looking for $1 to pay fine in resto. A girlfriend pings me. Then asks if I want to go do something w/her. I say, “Sure.” Earlier went down Barro Street(?) in S.F., a street I had never been on before. On my bike, my brakes began to fail.
August 5 dream: At party w/Thane and others. Tom C. there and blond version of him. I want to thank Thane but afraid I’ll gush. Go to back room. Someone tries to lock door. I was in wheelchair.
August 4, 2018: Woke up realizing that seeing James Damore on August 2 could relate to dream of July 30 of someone showing me a ghost movie that begins with the letter d. Perhaps Damore was a ghost, a tulpa? Also relates to “Prepare to be Amazed” from August 1? S.E. workshop w/Richard, Muhamed and Marc. Go to C.B. back way. Guy w/Santa Cruz T-shirt on Ocean. Big hawk flying away at freeway. Cute young guy at store on San Jose. Asian guy on Diamond smiles at me. Matt at C.B. Trip over step in G.P. Guy in gray sweater on way down Mt.D. Calico cat sitting in street. When I get out my camera, he/she takes off. Myka (and Leigh) at Safeway. M. talks about quaternion math. Today is award day for four mathematician. Talk w/Mitchell on way home. He went to school w/Ana Kasparian of TYT. I was wearing my TYT T-shirt.
August 4 dream: Preparing something in the oven. Then little mouse crawls out of the ground. Then on me.
August 3, 2018: Penis whitehead comes out of its own accord. “The Name of the Wind” book arrives at library. Go to G.P. back way. Beautiful black guy on Ocean. Matt at C.B. 4 Latino women at C.B. made me feel very sexy. At first uncomfortably sexy. Then more and more comfortably sexy. Guy with friends on Chenery on my way to G.P. Hawk at G.P. Guy sitting on path in G.P. Probably in his 20s, but looked about 16. Perhaps he was waiting for sex. Later saw a prospective partner for him walking his way. Woman w/newborn on way out of G.P. Tower Market. Mt.D. Pre-med school student on #43. Microwave: Why should it working depend on my mind set? Then realized everything in my life works depending on my mind set.
August 3 dream: Go on two pre-arranged dates. 2nd w/guy named Eddie.
August 2, 2018: 8:02 am anonymous call. Almost accident on Sunset on way to yoga with Carl. Walk home via Golden Gate Park. Pass through same “Outside Lands” area as two days ago. So I “turn right.” Run into beautiful youngish man. Later he called me, “Sir.” (*Relates to hawk from two days ago?) Continue to 36th Avenue. Construction guy I felt I knew. He looked like James Damore, guy who got fired from Google. As I passed, he covered his face. Also small hawk at about the same time. Later another distant hawk in the Sunset. Go to F.L. Have same trouble connecting to WiFi like I used to. Nice new (to me) baristo there. Finally got WiFi connected as I was about to leave. At home, microwave doesn’t work even thought staff says they fixed it. TR/RHS. Change my mind set. Try again. It works.
August 2 dream: Palestinian barber ran a test which determined that I should continue to get my haircut there.
August 1, 2018: 101. See “Prepare to be Amazed.” Rincon. Sun finally out. Go to Castro. Nice guy smiles at me on way to 19th Street. Go into J’s store to check out CBD prices. Overpriced. #35 to G.P. Matt at C.B. Met 2nd Matt: graphic designer, photographer, cute, friendly. Young hawk on Monterey while waiting for #23. Blank phone message from 1:03 pm when I get home. “Like a ghost” from Person of Interest show. (*See dream of July 30.)
August 1 dream: Relaying messages or the number of messages to someone or organization. (h.o.)
August 1 dream: Met blonde woman I had interviewed w/earlier for retail salesman position. Then went on run for 2.3 miles thru sand(?), mostly uphill.
August 1 dream: Bus stops. Driver tries to clear the road. Beautiful part of S.F. I had never seen before that’s not on any postcards. Wealthy man who had built elevated pathway. Women jumping off cliffs into water. Market there w/many faces I recognize. One man singing beautiful, sad Jewish song. Into resto. Someone plops breakfast in front of me which I didn’t order. I’m toying w/getting outraged. But am sitting across from 3 friends who also work on Luke Street(?) near Special Street.
August 1 dream: Staying at someone else’s home. Just took shit. About to shower. Show on TV about pampered dog w/a hat.
July 31, 2018: Brian, Greg, Mike and Lucia at yoga class today. Walk home thru GG Park. Guy there from “Outside Lands” says, “Turn to the right.” (See 2nd dream of July 30.) Then nearby hawk. Walk to Ambrosia in Lakeside. My friend not there. Then K home. Cute couple of young guys on K. One puts his hand on rail in front of me before leaving. I touch him briefly. He smiles. S.E. group in p.m. Tough night sleeping.
July 31 dream: Working on two new websites from my apt. on Market Street.
July 31 dream: Musical competition between two of us.
July 31 dream: Guy tells us his boss asked me to do something, but he wouldn’t tell us what.
July 31 dream: New resto taking a day or so to open.
July 30, 2018: Couple of calls this a.m. One anonymous. One from Costco where I never shop. I think J. is pissed. My baristo at F.L. Also Noah there tells me that Deshawn still there. Climb to Mt.D. Guy on Mt.D. who was so manly (not at all handsome) made me feel like a little girl. Jesse briefly at Railroad Expresso. S.E. group in p.m. Disagreement w/Melissa (*Relates to Thane dream of July 23?) See Ryan Malanaphy on credits for Person of Interest Season #3.
July 30 dream: Someone showing me a ghost movie that begins with the letter d.
July 30 dream: I am at co-worker’s house for dinner. We are in Jerusalem. One of the guests exploded a bomb close to us. We yell, “Turn right” so he’ll be protected by the rock. Then we look up and see all the damage done above to others living on the hill.
July 30 dream: Give something to Aunt Betty who’s working in S.F. As I leave, she jokes about having sex w/me, in front of Elaine Benis.
July 30 dream: Map of Hawaii.
July 30 dream: Asian running in sweatpants. I touch his crouch.
July 30 dream: Sister got black eye at school. I held her in my arms. Then new gay/cute guy throws footballs around. I almost catch one. Then he throws it right into my arms.
July 29, 2018: Anonymous calls on cell and landline just as I’m waking up/trying to remember my last dream, which I forgot. Baristo at F.L. I think he noticed me when I was flirting w/his co-worker. (*Relates to distant hawk from June 27?) TR group in p.m. Concl: Value is one, indivisible/individual all-knowing, all-seeing, all-appearing, the only control in the Universe.
July 29, 2018 dream: Found unused apartment at bottom of Laurie’s mansion, where I might live.
July 29, 2018 dream: Working for the government, my boss thinks my mother was a prostitute 81 years ago.
July 29, 2018 dream: Hanz there. Others. We’re cleaning up area. I’d much rather write a story, I think. Meet tall pretty lady dressed in costume for show.
July 29, 2018 dream: Shaving (lots of) hair from across my nose.
July 29, 2018 dream: Bob Stoll. I thought he was dead.
July 28, 2018: Self Encounter #6 at 10:30am w/Richard B. J. calls at 11:30ish. Jerk off. Cute Asian guy at Peets W.P. Walking to Mt.D., thinkIng of “Juanita” dream of July 10, look down and see sign saying “Juanita Way”. A synchronistic moment, as Carl Jung would say. Guy taking girl’s picture on Mt.D. Steven in the wine aisle at Safeway. Nice older bag boy. He smiled at me after I asked about Myka. Two old men on #43 home. I joke w/them and empathize w/them about having to hold on.
July 28 dream: After a wild party at chateau. Still waiting for someone to pick us up. I wrote a poem about it. Someone coming between 7am and 7pm.
July 28 dream: Driving Nannie around industrial part of SF in my old ’57 Benz. Brakes don’t work well. I’m thinking of just giving it up. We arrive at some fancy fashion place. Male mannequin with hairy legs turns me on.
July 27, 2018: Call Heather in a.m. Something off-putting there. In ’til 1:30ish. Go to Rincon. Take F to Castro. Wait for #35 at Castro & 19th. Distant hawk. Give $1 to homeless man. Rich, white kids on #35 trying to be black. I tell them “’Bye” when they leave. Matt at C.B. Woman takes seat I had reserved w/my bag. She acts surprised when I say to her, “You took my seat.” Read “Move on,” so I do. Apparently homeless black guy in drag on #23 takes up three seats and says to people standing in front of him, “Please don’t stand in front of me.” See Jesse at Railroad Expresso briefly before #43 home. Will restart TR group on Sunday nights. Bright spot in a foggy day.
July 27 dream: Posting photos online (h.o.).
July 27 dream: “Phantom Actors” – movie featuring the masks of Lincoln, Henry Fonda, and others looking in on what we’re doing today.
July 27 dream: Two male combatants. Underwater, instead of continuing fighting, they kiss. In the dream, I’m sitting at my laptop watching this video and think: “I really want to share this!”
July 26, 2018: Deniro at Walgreens. Special lunch at Revolution Cafe. Waitress touched by my compliment. French family there. Last day at 12:30 class. Walk to G.P. Barista there. Also “The Name of the Wind” guy from hier. (*Relates to distant hawk from July 24?) Anonymous calls at 3ish and 4:31 pm. RHS Cenk for always propping up his co-host Ana, like my Dad always did with my step-mother Harriet.
July 26 dream: Hard-on dream.
July 26 dream: Met Eagen, next door neighbor.
July 26 dream: I don’t have correct change and bus is too crowded. Guy asks me if I can sing. I say, “You know, you’re the 2nd or 3rd person who has asked me that in the last few days.”
July 25, 2018: 12:30 class. Guy sitting in my seat when I arrive. Words are exchanged. He calls me, “Sir!” I fire back at him: “Sir!” Turns out he was our guest instructor. In his defense, he’s got great biceps. He reviewed some portfolios. Not mine. Walk to G.P. Seth, my blond Asian baristo at C.B. Also, cute well-built guy reading “The Name of the Wind.” See Matt at Philz on way home. Calls from J. At 11:49 am and 5;30pm.
July 25 dream: Finding (or looking for) a new place (resto or house) to hang out.
July 25 dream: Robber dressed head to toe in black. I caress his fingers, his hands, his body, his butt.
July 25 dream: Can’t get it up for Marilyn D. A group of us goes out to eat somewhere.
July 25 dream: New college roommate, a girl, and her cat.
July 24, 2018: Chinese-speaking woman recorded call at 9:30ish. 12:30 class. I’m all LinkedIn. Walk to G.P. Call from J. on way. Matt at C.B. Walter Lyman there too. Meet Jose, violin student from Chicago, waiting for #23. Distant hawk. We take #23 together ’til I get off at Ridgewood. (*Relates to young hawk in G.P. from July 22? Also my “date” from 2nd dream of July 23?) I feel bad about it later. See Robert from BEMA/CCSF at W.F. Message from J. at 1:20pm.
July 24 dream: Page full of nursing videos, except one.
July 24 dream: Cleaning Nannie’s stairs. She sees me and smiles. Carpet sweeper slips out of my hand and falls. I think I broke it. Nannie gets mad at box of trash on pathway. I thought she wanted it there.
July 24 dream: I invite woman to sit down and play a game of cards at bus station.
July 23, 2018: 12:30 class ’til 3ish. Walking to #18 bus, pass by KTVU cameraman interviewing someone. Same cameraman that interviewed me back in ’93 or so. Peets Cole Valley lady called me “Mikey.” Yoga. Blank message from J. at 1:42 pm. S.E. workshop in p.m.
July 23 dream: Thane reading poem from one of his students. I’m trying to remember other poem. I tell him he looks great. Earlier he said he felt sleepy. I say, “You look great, rested and tan.”
July 23 dream: Walking thru Castro, friend goes into store. Comes out. Says, “I’ve got a date tonight. So do you.” I try to catch up w/him. Big man lying on his back in big pool of water. I pull him out. He gets up and starts throwing things at me. I say, “I just saved you.”
July 22, 2018: Walk to W.P. Peets. Buy CPD. See Eda at pot dispensary. Walk to G.P. Hear hawk(s) screaming. Then young hawk circles me near end of park. Matt at C.B. #36 then walk home. See “Almost There” in G.P. “Take the Next Step” at CCSF. J. calls 7:30ish. (*Relates to two hawks from hier?) TR body pain. Concl: Truth is victimless, sane, sound, perfect psyche, all-ingested, all-digested, all-embodied, always-related. Juanita on Mad Men is a “party girl.” (*Relates to July 10 dream of Mayor-elect Breed telling me to “Call me Juanita”? J., the mayor of my psyche, is a “party girl”? Probably.)
July 22 dream: Roomful of older sexy women want to know what I do that needs to be done.
July 22 dream: European 30.
July 22 dream: “There’s nothing wrong with that guy.”
June 21, 2018: S.E. #6 in a.m. (5 people there). See Eda at Ocean Avenue pot dispensary. Then fight between homeless bully and other homeless guy in front of CVS on Ocean (*Relates to J. reading this diary?) Peets in W.P. Phone says it’s out of storage. Finally resolve in p.m. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk on telephone pole. Screaming hawk on tree finally flies over to join hawk on pole. Mean looking pit bull on way down. Myka at Safeway. He keeps calling me “Sir.” I really feel bad about not buying CPD from Eda. Inappropriate emotion? Yes. Genuine emotion: Feeling I have to do everything I can to be nice to people ’cause I’m a bad person. I’m a liar. I came from God and I can’t tell anybody. So I have to pretend to be somebody I’m not.
July 21 dream: _____ claims one of my teachers did something bad. We’re making a project w/colored paper.
July 21 dream: Me throwing like a girl.
July 21 dream: Visit the workplace. Fennie there. Others. Trying to find supportable paper plate and something decent to eat. More tests and homework coming up.
July 21 dream: Big activity, music, construction in the East Bay and Berkeley. I help clean up and restock the shelves. UC as big football power.
July 20, 2018: Asian guy on #29 whose hand I “accidentally” touched on his way out. Gay black couple on #29. Asian welcome guy at VA who I talked to. Later saw him on my way out. 12:30 class ’til 3:30. Wild #14 ride down Mission. After prospective fighter leaves, I notice the guy sitting one seat way from me was Dan Banks. Rincon. BART to Balboa. See Billy Joe and two friends (one very attractive) outside Philz. Cody at W.F. Hanz call. TR of pain and pleasure. Concl: Pleasure is all there is.
July 20 dream: Return after a weekend w/o J. He gets in his bed. I return vaseline to my drawer. Many others guys there. Kind of wait for a few seconds outside door of store where lots of cute guys are hanging out. Don’t see him.
July 20 dream: There’s an answer.
July 20 dream: Listening to music w/group of young people.
July 19, 2018: Class at 12;30. Two calls when my phone was off. Walk to C.B. Owners there. #36, 23, 43 home. Thought T.J. screwed up my shoe reimbursement from Fleet Feet, but then realized he hadn’t. Me wanting to take my clothes off. Jealous of others who could.
July 19 dream: Conversation w/Dan Banks & Chris Hinrichs. At end of conversation, Chris asks us to make donation to his church. Chris contributes. I don’t. Dan older woman chases after me.
July 19 dream: At new job fire drill. I rush to find elevator. Other woman w/me. Though some women stay on top and continue meeting. Finally see stairs out to street.
July 18, 2018: 12:30 class. Run into Vi at 23rd & Mission. Met Deniro at Walgreens on way to class. Walk to C.B. after. Barista there, checking out my butt. I didn’t like it. Also two very nasty bilingual guys who kept staring thru me as they elevated themselves. Left cafe, got bus right away. Woman w/big breasts says (w/o looking at me): “Can I please get by?” It didn’t feel like she was talking to me. Then woman w/baby pushed me on her way out. I said, “I’m getting off here, if you don’t mind.” Got a return call from 323 area code re pot dispensary. Could relate to hawk from hier. Mean dog at Diamond and Duncan portended C.B. men? Heart palpitating at 2am relates to J. discovering my online diary?
July 18 dream: Working w/police dept. on IT stuff. Tom O. wants me to help him w/LAPD stuff.
July 18 dream: Band denied permission to play at event. We’re out on the street/sidewalk getting ready to play outdoors.
THE BOOK OF THOMAS 37: 2-3
His disciples said, “When will you appear to us, and when will we see you?”
Jesus said, “When you strip without being ashamed, and you take your clothes and put them under your feet like little children and trample them, then [you] will see the son of the living one and you will not be afraid.”
—The Five Gospels: The Search for the Authentic Words of Jesus