Diary

The Gospel of Thomas 37: 1-2:  His disciples said, “When will you appear to us, and when will we see you?”  Jesus said, “When you strip without being ashamed, and you take your clothes and put them under your feet like little children and trample them, then [you] will see the son of the living one and you will not be afraid.”
The Five Gospels: The Search for the Authentic Words of Jesus

July 31, 2021:  Talk with Heather in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Lee at G.P. Daniel at C.B. Walk to Safeway. Nur not there. Walk home.

July 31 dream:  Driving up the coast. Run out of gas about half way.

July 30, 2021:  Sarah calls at 2ish.  In ’til 3ish. Shits at 3ish. Walk to W.P. Little Asian boy holds out his hand for me to high-5 which I do. Go to Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa. Hear and see hawk. Go to M.S. See beautiful young man with dark hair and red hoodie on walk to bus stop. #43 home. Insight: I’m not terrified of the vaccine. I’m terrified of my sexuality. (*Relates to last dream of July 29? And relates to some of the dreams of July 30?)

July 30 dream:  I roll a 7 and an 11.

July 30 dream:  As I leave the house, General Curtis LeMay talks to me about how much smoke there is in the air and in the house.

July 30 dream:  Black guy looking on in triumph at intersection.

July 30 dream:  Set up person selling dresses.

July 30 dream:  I save two sunny-side up eggs. Woman says she can take them home with her and then she sticks her fingers in the yolks.

July 29, 2012:  Rough nite last nite. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Talk to Ladi at C.S. Reading Room. My happy baristo at Peet’s. I learn his name is Justin. I think I’ve found my new café. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. Memory: Remember girl in mediation group about 10 years ago who came on to me. I demurred ’cause I thought it might jeopardize my friendship with Bob M.

July 29 dream:  Nancy finds my water-logged checkbook on the ground underneath bench and says, “And that’s where your value is as well.”

July 29 dream:  Dream of things aligning.

July 28, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. My happy baristo at Peet’s. I talk with him briefly. He is beautiful, biracial and friendly to everyone. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Blond guy suddenly walks thru two parked buses. I watch him walk away. And eventually follow him. Have to run to catch up. I ask him an inane question, “Where does this street lead to?” He repeats my question. I said, “Yes.” He said, “It leads to Monterey and then to Glen Park.” I said, “Oh, okay.. Thanks.” But a lot of unspoken communication went on underneath those inane words. (*Relates to last dream of April 7, I think.) I was so excited by my interaction with this young man that I went home and jerked off. This time with no blood. Insight: Realize my pain may be a rite of initiation.

July 28 dream:  Everybody masked up in grocery store. Woman asks me what I think of Joe Biden. I start describing another Joe. And have to go back and think about Biden. (h.o.)

July 28 dream:  Spending the nite at Barty Bram’s. Take shower in a.m. Can’t find clean towel. Barry suggested we all go without clothes in the bathroom.

July 28 dream:  Walking down Market at nite after a big event. Run into J-lookalike. He isn’t J. he asks me for a cigarette. About to go into store. Then don’t. Run into two gay guys I saw in church earlier in the day. I help them slide a bed frame down some stairs in the apartment below which has a beautiful view of S.F.

July 28 dream:  See Bernie at train or bus station. He just had work done on his eyes so he can’t see. I say, “Hello. I saw you earlier in the day.” He says, “I can’t see. Tell me what you look like.”

July 27, 2021:  Video showing black guy on bike coming into Chinatown and telling the Chinese to go home. One Asian guy knocked him to the ground. Made me feel great! In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear hawk on exiting. Hear hawk on Amber Drive. #43 home. Schubiner work day 17.

July 27 dream:  Me and Tom doing janitorial work at Catholic Church. Tom says he thinks he’ll give some of his money to them ’cause they do good work. I see a couple of mice. Then 3 or 4 big nice who are not intimated by my kicking. Earlier: Me peeing.

July 27 dream:  Continue on path. Pass goats. It’s wetter now. Lots of young school boys in royal blue tops jumping off cliff. I’m just trying to find my way down.

July 26, 2021:  Therapy session at 12:30. Walk home via Market and have coughing and sneezing fit. See hot guy with tats and muscles at Duboce. He looks hard at me and vice versa. Then see young Asian-ish guy at upper Market parklet. Go to 18th Street Starbucks. Lock eyes with cute Asian baristo. Walk by J’s bar. See Spike’s baristo on Market. He smiles at me. Try to catch up with cute young Asian guy wearing shorts near Portola and Clipper Streets. #48 and #43 home. Stop by W.F. See Nolan in bakery. Then run into Javier on the floor. He doesn’t look as interesting or as cute as when I first met him on July 24. Get help finding curry from Isaiah. Get several calls from anonymous source. Insight: I’m not trying to hide that I’m having sex with others but that I’m doing something–anything–for myself, to admit to myself and others that I have desires of my own.

July 26 dream:  Girl has miniature of camp she used to go to.

July 26 dream:  Spend day t my cousin’s house. One of the women there has been diagnosed with AIDS.

July 25, 2021:  Break blood bluster while jerking off. Gives me bloody dick. I’m sure it means something. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. No banana bread (or cute baristos) at Peets W.P. Walk on to M.S. Portola. Follow guy in store. Give up on him. Go to Starbucks Portola for the first time since June 4 when I was asked not to make personal comments about Anthony’s tight pants. Same barista who told me this came up to me at 5:45 and said, “We’re closing in 15 minutes.” #43 home. Meet Patrick from Safeway deli. We talk briefly.

July 25 dream:  Jumping into icy pool to get campaign button. May have smelled one as well.

July 25 dream:  We (me and Viv Harmon from Maude) get the check (for $100,000) to the man who’s going to cash it at the Bank of Mexico. We in N.Y go under Grand Central Station. Big black guy in floor-length dress gives us eclair. We say, “Now what?”

July 25 dream:  “It is my turn.”

July 25 dream:  A boy and his pet black bear are caught in a potential fire in a parking structure that wasn’t here 30 years ago. I was noticing beautiful couples and wondering if I would cherish J.?

July 24, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then see Lee at G.P Then Daniel at C.B. Then walk to Safeway. Nor there at first in white T-shirt looking very hot. But by the time I get to checkout, he was gone. #43 home. Meet Javiier, who works at W.F., as I approach my back door. He’s very friendly. Says he’s 22 and that I can always find him in the kitchen. I tell him I live upstairs. We bump elbows. Insight: How could I be so sexual and still be a man of God? Or a famous President? Or a Nobel Laureate? 2nd insight: My pain keeps me from having a big head. 3rd insight: If I get a big head, my father will kill me. 4th insight: “Sex” with my father and “sex” with Nancy was simply capitulation.

July 24 dream:  Telling my body to stop hurting. And it follow my direction like a whack-a-mole.

July 24 dream:  My female boss says there is a news story at Macy’s and if I jump out the window right now I can cover it.

July 24 dream:  Was over at Bill and Mary Floyd’s house. Had an emergency. Had to deliver man and several dogs out of oven-like womb. Later going to several restos and being told to change seats and wait.

July 24 dream:  Just now realizing that the glass I swallowed in my youth may be damaging to me now.

July 23, 2021:  Shits at 1:30ish. Realize “3 weeks” from April 6 may relate to “week 3” of the Schubiner work. Walk to W.P. Nice-looking young man in Adidas running pants on Miramar Street. Happy, good-looking baristo at Peet’s W.P. I smile at him. Watch him jump up and down in happiness while waiting for something to eat. Meet new author (Mastering Your Role as a Nonprofit Manager). Made me think that I might be next to get my first book published. As I leave Peet’s I say, “Thanks” to happy baristo. Walk up Ulloa. Hear guy say, “What are the odds?” See “Wonder.” #43 home. Run into Peter for the 2nd day in a row. We talk on bus and after.

July 23 dream:  Me and another man sitting at a table. I’m trying to animate him. (*Means: I seduced my father to bring him out of his state of torpor after my mother’s death?)

July 23 dream:  … man has a gun and a table. I take away the gun.

July 23 dream:  Go to group meeting which tries to drown out your emotions so you can hand out literature. Meet Bob Labansat there. Say hi. Then come back to get his phone number. Group says I should come back tomorrow nite again. Trish Haines comes up to Bob and hugs him. Bob suggests we go out for ice cream.

July 23 dream:  Rent a studio apt. in Santa Cruz for a month. I had planned to move there but not at that place.

July 23 dream:  Taking Tom C. home from some event. I told him I rented an apt. in Santa Cruz for a month.

July 22, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Then stop in at Peets. See two very cute baristos. Get happy. Think I’ll go there next time. Walk up Ulloa. Think, “I’d do anything to stop this pain.” Then realize that’s probably what I thought about my father as well. Older man, who looks somewhat like my father, smiles at me. Find Granville Street (*See diary of July 9.) Hear hawk. #43 home. See Peter after several weeks of not seeing him. We talk on bus and after we get off. He told me he went to Willkommen bar on Market Street.

July 22 dream:  Wondering if the ocean would let me bob on its surface. Trying to pack up to leave Liz’s before mountain lion comes down and attacks me. Laurie sits on my stuff. I try to grab her finger and she pulls away. She says, “You can’t get me” and I can’t seem to.

July 22 dream:  I’m not feeling well. Woman tries to help me. I’m laying on my back. My hair is messed up. I say to her, “Give me a little dignity.”

July 22 dream:  Moved back in for apartment painting on showroom floor. Carol Carter asks if I want coffee. I say, “Yes. But pour it in the cereal boxes.” She poured it on the cereal boxes. I say, “Never mind.” See big DIARY.

July 21, 2021:  Rough nite last nite. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Then up Ulloa. See “The roots run deep.” Later see good-looking Asian man and young boy. Lock eyes with Asian guy. Then walk up to #43 bus stop. The bus just passes. So I decide to go down Ulloa again and check out my Asian friend. This time he ignores me. Realize this is what happened with my father. It isn’t that he sexually assaulted me. It’s that he stopped sexually assaulting me. At first there is interest, but then he ignores me. So for the rest of my life I feel I am not good enough, not attractive enough. Which explains why I always go out of my way to let other men feel that they are beautiful enough. Also explains the tulpa from July 16. The universe is taking a stand and letting me know that I am attractive. I am manly. I am beautiful. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think. Also, to falling down on upper Market on July 19?) So I could never have sex with the men who offered ’cause my father said I wasn’t attractive enough. And if I wanted to retain my father’s love, I’d have to honor his view of reality. And if I dared, like with Cree, my father would get me.

July 21 dream:  I’m gong to be part of the show. Maybe doing the “Money Money Money” song. (h.o.)

July 21 dream:  Talking to miniature statue of me standing on my hands. In a church.

July 21 dream:  49ers lose 38-5 with poor attendance. Edith Bunker wants her voices back.

July 21 dream:  My boss leaning over me, giving me a hard time. Rumors of law firm I’m working at splitting up. Also rumors of a pay raise to $100,000 or $160,000.

July 20, 2021:  Shits at 3ish. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Then walk up Ulloa to M.S See “Sir Allen.” Walk away. Then walk back and ask him if they have yogurt with lemon on the bottom. He’s very helpful. Later woman crossing Portola smiles at me. #43 home. Two beautiful young skateboarders get off. I get off six stops early so I can witness them skateboarding down Monterrey. Which I do. Get next #43 home. Schubiner day 11 unsent letter to Sara W. (and my mother).

July 20 dream:  Walk thru building where gym used to be. See several familiar faces. Some still very cute. As I exit, guy walks up to me and says, “So how are we going to get rid of Nixon?”

July 19, 2021:  Leave about 11:30 for therapy appointment downtown. Good-looking guy at Castro Muni Metro Station who didn’t get on the train. Therapy with Troy at 12:30. He seemed really hung up on the experience I had with a tulpa at C.B. on July 16. (*See first dream of July 18.) Walk home via Castro. Stop at 18th Street Starbucks. Do crossword puzzle. Walk up 18th Street. As I’m thinking that the young man and his dog refusing to go to his (the dog’s) place of trauma (the mailbox) related to my terror last night trying to get to sleep. (*See diary of July 18.) Guy smiles at me as I am thinking this. Walk up Market. Slip and fall on upper Market. #43 home. Nice old guy and I talk about Hemingway, Steinbeck, Salinger, etc.

July 19 dream:  Moving everything out right now. Somebody says if we’d planned this right, we could have moved out according to Jesus’s teachings. (h.o.)

July 19 dream:  Someone trying to interpret three dreams at the same time. One involved a black man, one with someone with a COVID mask on.

July 18, 2021:  Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. Realize hier’s J&J warning triggered a panic attack and may have been intentional on the part of Infinite Mind to get me to look at something in me that I need to throw out (i.e., panic attacks). In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Then up Ulloa to L.H. Blvd. See young man and his dog. He tells me that his 4-month-old dog is afraid of the mailbox ’cause of something that probably happened when he was a puppy. #43 home. Two guys get on. After they are seated, I look back. The younger one gets excited, only for a brief moment. I follow them out at my stop. They turn on loud rap music. Insight: Felt leg weakening on my walk to W.P. Later realized I was just being “obedient” to what the authorities expected the symptoms would be for the latest J&J warning. Then the leg weakening stopped.

July 18 dream:  TYT’s John Iadorola at his previous job wearing a cloth on his head. Alleyways of S.F. Resto named the Pyramid. I think S.F. was great in those old days. I have car I was driving. It was a car stolen by a woman friend of mine, baby blue. I thought, “She shouldn’t do that…steal cars.” Car got hit. I continue running. I’m running near church at night. Old man, the rector, in his robes, goes to unlock his church door. I think, “It must be nice to be able to talk about God and never have to confront Him.” I slip on wet sidewalks and fall into the air. I think I better Translate. So I start in: “Truth is that which is so. That which is not Truth is not so. Therefore Truth is all that is.” A voice says, “What’s the matter?” And I say, “We never did talk about . . .“ I land on the grass near a train track. The train stops. I get up. The conductor sees that I’m okay. And the train starts up again. (*Relates to my therapist’s non-acceptance of the experience I had with a tulpa at C.B. on July 16. My therapist was the rector in the dream, I think.)

July 18 dream:  Man drives me up to Stanford. The mature Stanford. Very nice area of S.F. I was folding blanket. I asked him where the nearest commercial area was. He got on top of me, sitting on me, facing me. Tried to put his finger in my butt. I said, “Don’t.” Then I thought, “Oh, this guy’s going to rape. me.” There was someone to my right side. (*Relates to my father “raping” me back in our Menlo Park home?)

July 17, 2021:  Read about new J&J warning in a.m. It freaks me out (again). And just a day after I had cancelled the VA appointment and then play acted what might have transpired there. Translation group at 11 a.m. Sarah calls after. Haircut appointment at 3 p.m. with Jun. I showed him a photo of a shirtless Asian model in Out magazine and asked if it was him. He said yes and went talked about how how much they paid him and how much they would have paid without pants and without underpants. It was fun. Sarah called again, just as I was leaving. Brenden at Safeway. Walk home. Do Day 8 of Schubiner work. Very helpful.

July 17 dream:  Running out of food at big catering service.

July 17 dream:  Cat looks in window. I put my nose to the window hoping to scare him off. He jumps in through the upper open part of the window.

July 16, 2021:  Cancelled VA neurological appointment. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Copy Edge. Cute Asian guy on Ocean coming and going. Then Excelsior library. Think about cancelling my VA appointment. Think maybe I should play act what might have happened. Woman smiles at me. In my play act, VA says, “We don’t know what causes your pain. We just want to block it.” Then G.P. Then C.B. Daniel baristo. I sit next to middle-aged woman. She makes me feel really attractive. Uncomfortable, but really attractive. As she leaves, she smiles slyly. Also, the woman who left looked different from the woman I sat next to. Walk to G.C.P. See “Out of thin air.” #43 home. See “Healthier days ahead.” Watch The Good Lord Bird video in p.m. (*Relates to July 10 dream about it snowing in Kansas.) Note to God: I’m not up to the task. Don’t know what the task is exactly, but I’m not up to it.

July 16 dream:  Working in factory. Cleaning up actually. Calvin said I could have some of his lettuce. Then he put it someplace I couldn’t locate. Brief alarm. Nobody panicked. I question young girl about what she did. Then I say to others, “I keep forgetting she’s a young woman.” They say that’s okay.

July 16 dream:  Judge appointing a jury.

July 15, 2021:  In ’til 1ish. Take K to dental appointment. Walk back thru Castro. Unintentionally walk toward J’s bar. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) Walk to C.B. in G.P. Cute young Asian guy reading Game of Thrones. We talk briefly. He leaves immediately after we finish talking. BART & #29 home.

July 15 dream:  Working for British government as a secretary. Didn’t know who my boss was. Was finally given letter to type.

July 14, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk out apartment. Guy at apartment front door. I didn’t want to let him in so I leave via another door. Feed bad about it. Then run into beautiful dark-haired skateboarder, who I cruise mercilessly. (*Relates to hawks from hier, I think.) Walk on to Starbucks W.P. Seamus from Starbucks Portola there. Also Asian baristo. Then up Ulloa. Get suspicious call from “Our Revolution.” (*Relates to dead rat from hier?) Hear hawk on Ulloa. #43 home. Day 6 Schubiner work. Insight: My fear that I will be famous. Also, the J&J “pause” an act of God? Or at least what God would be like if I was Him/Her.

July 14 dream:  Woman kicks us out of spiritual organization we have all part of. Literally, tears us out of book.

July 14 dream:  Young coyote is …. Dripping liquid from his eyes and nose. Even young deer it is chasing is concerned. Coyote says something about young boy.

July 14 dream:  Opening a New Age book store. One of my readers is writing a detective story. I say, “Perhaps she should write another.”

July 13, 2021:  Insight: My desire to stay good looking is so I’ll still be of value to my father. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean. Turn around a couple of times for beautiful Asian man. Then stand behind young black man with tight pants and wonderful ass at W.G. Before I leave I check him out again. Walk up San Benito. Check out guy in muscle T-shirt and then I see hawk overhead. Followed by 2nd hawk. Go to Starbucks W.P. Up Ulloa. See dead rat in street. Go to M.S. Portola. Check out with Ed (my “haircut” friend). Insight: Pain throughout my body relates to God and my father trying to keep their hooks in me? Day 5 of Schubiner work. At end, see flash of white light. It kind of scares me.

July 13 dream:  Last nite at a gay camp of sorts. We were learning gay history. (h.o.)

July 13 dream:  We have moved into a new house after our Saratoga house. Harriet says we’re going to make this a real nice one, too. Dad is out in the driveway in his wheelchair. Guy in car in gravel driveway. I think that if he attacks, I’ll put myself between him and my father. My father heads over to a neighbor’s house.

July 12, 2021:  Take K to therapy appointment. Meet cute hooded, then unhooded, traveler across the aisle from me. I follow him to front of train. Then he moves to be closer to me. Then he gives me the look. Later hot cop in W.G. who yawns when I start checking him out. Good, not great, therapy session. #38 to Balboa Street. Little boy wearing “Unstoppable” T-shirt. Self-observation on #38. Saw myself turn on my phone but without my usual grandiosity, self-congratulation. Wondered if I could survive without. Think I could. Cute, hot guy I cruise at Cielito Lindo resto. He gives me hard look back. I smile. Then on to La Promenade Café. Then VA. Read more from Self Observation book. Cute Pakistani(?) doctor who said, “You’ve got the healthiest ear I’ve seen today.“ Standing next to me, his doctor pants feel like satin. Doc lets me look at video of my inner ear and nose. It’s amazing. Certainly something I had nothing to do with. #38 and #43 home. Day 4 of Schubiner work. Realize my body pains may be my father still trying to keep his hooks in me.

July 12 dream:  At about 4:45 librarian bills me $20. I say, “You’re going to close soon and you want $20 for the last 2 hours.” She says, “Yes.” I say, “And when do I reopen? At 5:20.” Earlier I mentioned being suicidal. 

July 11, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Cute baristo still there. Also very nice barista. Walk up Yerba Buena to Monterey to Safeway. Check out with Nur even though he is “15 items or less” and I had over 30 items. He said he’d be taking a vacation in Palm Springs on Wednesday for a week. I said, “So I guess I won’t see you next Sunday.” He said, “But I’ll be back on Wednesday.” I think Nur is hot for me. #43 home. Day 3 of Schubiner work. Insight: Realize that my mother’s death was my Joseph being thrown into the pit moment. Followed by my refusal to have sex with Mrs. Potifer (several times). 2nd Insight: Being a slut is a lot more fun than being in a pit.

July 11 dream:  About 20 people attend workshop after class of about 100. Tom C. there . Also Nannie. Woman asks us to form two lines.

July 11 dream:  New York City during Vietnam War. Guy tries to attack me and a co-worker with a knife. I think my friend had a gun. Woman gets over loud speaker and talks anti-war.

July 11 dream:  Getting ready to go to dance. Accidentally pee on my shirt. Have to change it. My parents come in. And my grandmother. They want to “help.” They say I can’t just take my meals and eat them in my room. I say, “That’s your other son.” My grandmother says something about living with shyness. I agree with her. 

July 10, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Call for (from?) John Pinkerton. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) In ’til 3ish. As I walk outside, see beautiful old, classic silver Rolls-Royce being driven by two men of color. I fantasize about being picked up by them, being stripped of my clothes and raped. I put up a good fight but I’m excited at the same time. After I climax, they throw me and my clothes out. Insight: Why I’m mad at God. (*See RHS of hier.) “You never told me about sex!!!” Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Daniel at C.B. really glad to see me. And vice versa. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 home. Day 2 of Schubiner work. Realize connection between the J&J pause and my father’s remarriage.

July 10 dream:  Chris H. and Calvin at fancy home. When my work was done, I went home. (h.o.)

July 10 dream:  I move to Kansas. Work on paper 9-5. It snows. I go to lunch.

July 9, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Talk with Nelson at W.G. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Cute Asian baristo there gives me my drink. Walk up Ulloa. Woman asks me if I know where Granville is. I think she was on Granville. Hear and see hawk near tree tops. Woman says, “Good luck with that.” I say, Thanks.” See “shakeup.” #43 home. Lock eyes with beautiful young man as I exit on my cell phone and he enters bus. Day 1 of Schubiner work. RHS God!!!

July 9 dream:  I drive into drive-in resto. Order meal. Guy walks into my car asking for ice water. I say, “Come on in. Stay a while.” He leaves.

July 8, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Visit with Nelson at W.G. Then go to Peets W.P. Then up Ulloa. Run into beautiful androgynous biracial person near W.P. Station. He smiled at me. I just kind of looked at him in awe. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Listened to Schubiner in p.m.

July 8 dream:  Watching movie. End up having to sit next to guy I’m mad at. He starts talking to me. I say, “I’m not talking to you.” Later get up for something.

July 8 dream:  Looking at things from great height. Driverless VW bug driving around.

July 8 dream:  In Translation, words lose their meaning over time. Girls in audience getting all doe-eyed over male singer.

July 7, 2021:  Shits at 3ish. Ingleside library. Walk to W.P. Go to Peets. Meet young man reading “Romeo & Juliet.” He says he’s a first year student at the Scottish Academy of Dramatic Arts. Walk to M.S. Portola. See “Sir Allen” and he seems me. I say to myself: “Let there be Truth Consciousness.” Insight: The place of ecstasy which I remember coming from might just have been the womb, not necessarily God. 2nd insight: Not just my fear of God which stopped me, but also my certainty of fame.

July 7 dream:  Ask a co-worker if we make files for positive cases. (h.o.)

July 7 dream:  I say to wealthy woman preparing for gala evening, “Are you ready for your big event?” She says, “I have to move a refrigerator to Edmonton first.” Then she talks about FDR, saying, “This is why he put science at the head.”

July 6, 2021:  Insight: Being a child of God means staying a child of God. 2nd insight: Perhaps my fear and trembling from April 19 was not fear of my father, but fear of God, or at least my childish idea of God. Got call at 9ish while my phone was turned off. Called back but was unable to get through. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. Walk to G.P. Then C.B. Sudoku there. Walk thru G.C.P., RHSing God all the way. #48 and #43 home. More insights: I have a mission from God but I don’t know what it is or what i’m allowed. Also: I remember the place I came from as being some sort of ecstasy. Did I make up my idea of God as just being a bigger version of my father? If so, no wonder I’m afraid of Him. Also: According to my understanding of my father and of my God, I can be anybody’s bitch, but I can’t be my own man.

July 6 dream:  I’m drinking with Laurie. She says of Harriet, her mother and my step-mother, “She’s got more control over us now then she ever did.”

July 6 dream:  Put long biscuit down bathtub drain. Dog gets it. I separate the two, but now I have a nice, cute dog.

July 6 dream:  Sitting in car. See hawk. Then yeti. Then two yetis. Then their two kids. Car comes up to us. Tries to get in back door which has a double lock, meaning we have to lock it twice. Guy gets door open, though he’s so close to our car that he can’t open it.

July 6 dream:  Cheryl C. leaves our table just as she arrives.

July 5, 2021:  Insight: My feeling of disloyalty to Thane by pursing A Course in Miracles relates to my “disloyalty” to God by loving John or anyone else. Therapy appointment at 12:30 with Troy. Remarkable session. We discussed the word omerta, the Mafia term for being a silent witness to a crime. At first, I thought it related to my keeping silent about my father’s physical or psychological abuse/misuse of me. During discussion I realized that the real silent pledge I had made was with God. And I dare not break that pledge or risk His wrath, or at least my childhood understanding of His wrath. Also that my image of God was a lot more anthropomorphic than I had thought. After session, walked to J’s place on Geary. The front door was open so I went upstairs. Knocked on door. No response. Left little pink note on table outside his apartment letting him know I had stopped by. (*Relates to shits form hier, I think.) Walk on to Starbucks 18th Street. Beautiful young man with beautiful ass walks in with elderly woman. He commands the attention of everyone in the place, or maybe it was just me. But I put everything down ’til they left. Walked up Market to #43 home. Realize body pain is my childhood’s concept of God saying to me, “You’re mine! Don’t think about loving anybody else!” Insight: Do I think of God as Hitler? (*See first dream of July 3. Also shaking with Cree, etc.) What gave me such a bad impression of God? Maybe the murder of my mother, my sexually abusive father, my step-family?

July 5 dream:  New design on sidewalk outside W.G. Ocean Avenue.

July 4, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Buy Sunday paper. Feel shitty. Walk home. Take shits. Leave home again. Meet new guy moving onto 3rd floor. Very nice. He says his girlfriend’s helping him move in. Walk to Safeway. Check out with Nur. He tells me he’s trying to go from 165 to 150 lbs. and build himself up from there. I think he’s too small already. #43 home.

July 4 dream:  Sleeping with some guys in a bed. I say, “it’s important what bed you sleep in. My bed’s not all that comfortable.” Young couple climb through the window. (h.o.)

July 4 dream:  We are … talking about defending Jesus and other religious leaders. I say, “Do you think Jesus needed defending?” Then add, “Well, he did get crucified.”

July 4 dream:  I say, “I’m not a good person.” (Therefore I don’t deserve John, etc.)

July 4 dream:  I’ve been on a long journey. Someone gave me a 6 foot pole.

July 4 dream:  Group of us gathered around to speak. I spoke. Some were funny. Some serious. Harvey Milk puts a book of photos on my crotch. Then on my stomach. Final guy got up and spoke about “our friend the rope.”

July 3, 2021:  Translation group at 9 a.m. Later listen to women speaking to Senator Ron Johnson (who’s about as empathetic as a fox in a hen house) on YouTube about the negative reactions they have experienced from taking the COVID vaccine. These women said, above all that they wanted to be listened to, that they wanted to be believed. But I would guess that this is not something new in their lives. That they have always wanted to be listened to, to be believed. And have not been. And that perhaps  these symptoms are just the latest (and most dramatic) manifestation of this desire. Same could be said of me. Perhaps they (and me) are hanging on to their (my) symptoms as proof of injury (injustice) in order to get somebody to finally listen to them (me) and to believe them (me). Finish online work. Take nap. Walk to Excelsior library. Then up Monterey. Buy lotto tickets. #43 home. Beautiful dark-haired guy at W.F. bakery department. Checkout with cute Asian guy named Min.

July 3 dream:  Woman gives me sedative after taking out whatever is in my ear. I say, “I wish you’d ask.” It’s Monday and we’re expecting Hitler and others to attend press conference on how to bring about peace. I want to make sure it gets in the gay papers on Thursday. Later realize that Hitler is probably dead and not going to show up.

July 3 dream:  Take BART to southern California. Try to get on train to Cal State Long Beach. Crazy old woman in wig is after me. My heart is pounding.

July 3 dream:  I am refereeing a game of pool. As the game progresses, there are no pockets and the balls turn into pieces of fruit. At the end I say, “This is beyond my training to figure out who’s winning.”

July 2, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Feel bad. Walk to G.C.P. Then Sir Allen, Maggie and Ed (my Asian haircut friend) at M.S. Danny. #43 home. Meet Dominic reading “The 2000s Made Me Gay.” I say, “The ’60s made me gay.” We exchanged info. He’s a writer for Riffmagazine.com. Get anonymous call when I get home.

July 2 dream:  Guy wins scholarship for his photography. I also get an honorable mention but I only submitted one photo. Cute guy hanging around. I think there’s some things a photo can’t capture.

July 1, 2021:  Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 1:30. #49 to 450 Sutter medical building. Very nice cute guy I view from the bus at Mission and Ocean. Consider getting off the bus. ENT appointment at 3 p.m. Walk back via J’s place on Geary. Get anonymous call shortly after. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Walk to Starbucks on 18th Street. Sit down for a while. Lots of people in the Castro. Film crew takes movie of me crossing Castro, I think. K home. Cute gay couple holding hands on Ocean.

July 1 dream:  At barbecue.

July 1 dream:  Forming friendship with girl who thinks I’m straight and into her. Several of us on top of tall building with railing overlooking shallow pool below. I’m uneasy about it, but others are cool with it. One guy leaning on the railing.

July 1 dream:  Picking a car depends on your childhood.

June 30, 2021:  Fire alarm, internet goes down, front door is wet with new paint. Everything is falling apart. I ask myself: When has this happened before. Answer: My mother’s death. Later hear “Expect the Unexpected.” Cute painter holding door open during fire alarm. We smile. Shits just before leaving at 3:40ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Sudoku at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Then #43 home. More insight: Not just me who wanted to fix things ASAP. Whole family did.

June 30 dream:  I’m putting glasses on. Leave out a couple with ice water and ice. I’m identifying a crime scene, I think. (h.o.)

June 29, 2021:  Rough nite. Hallway painters start at 8:48 a.m., just as I’m getting to sleep. Do my online work. Take nap on cot in bathroom. (*See nap dream of June 29.) Take #49 to 888 O’Farrell to view $1899/month studio apartment at 2:30 p.m. See two stunning skateboarders on Van Ness. The cuter one avoids my glance. Nice Asian guy helps me find studio on 11th floor. I’m not impressed with apartment. Walk around Polk Street area. Looks worse than ever. Down Van Ness. Up Market. Left on Valencia. Cruise cute young U-hauler. Walk to 18th Street Starbucks. No place to sit. So I walk on to C.B. at G.P. Get there at 4:30. They close at 5. Sudoku smiles at me. Tall, nice guy with tight-fitting clothes comes in. I follow him out. Then follow him as far as San Jose Avenue. See police car. Take that as sign that I’ve followed him far enough. #49 home. Insight: my addiction is hypochondria ’cause I’ve been traumatized.

June 29 nap dream:  White stuff coming out of my ear.

June 29 dream:  Moving boxes at work. Talk to woman on my right. On my left is Bruce. He’s a foreign student from Germany. We talk. Then we begin kissing.

June 29 dream:  Went to strange conference. Guy who ran it understood himself sexually. I got a seat next to Marilyn D. Someone asked her what she felt about the possibility of me being fired from work.

June 28, 2021:  Painful leg cramp last nite. Therapy session at 12:30. Then walk to Castro. Guy yelling “Why did you do it?” out of car turning from Market onto Dolores. Starbucks on 18th Street. Beautiful, non-responsive man in colorful outfit in front of BofA. Walk up 19th Street. Then turn around to see beautiful man again. He’s gone. Pass by J’s bar. Take K home. 3.9 earthquake.

June 28 dream:  Shakesperean actress saying, “O, my lovely mother, she’s no longer here.” Everyone is sitting on the floor. I crawl up near Tom C. and someone else imitating the actress. “O, my lovely mother, she’s no longer here.” Make Tom laugh. He says, “Want to get together at 5:15?” I say, “Yes.” He says, “There may be somebody else with us.” I say, “Okay.”

June 27, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Talk with Joan at W.G. Go to Starbucks W.P. Sat inside! Walked up Monterey to Safeway. Check out with Nur. Student group filming a movie at Gennessee and Monterey. #43 home.

June 27 dream:  Woman wants to buy one of our store’s Mexican face masks. I look around but we’re all sold out. We had 3 or 4 hier.

June 27 dream:  Bernie very excited about going to see a singer. I think, “How can he be so happy? He’s old and ugly.”

June 26, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Cute guy on Staples taking with older man. I stare at him with love. He responds. Cyclist on Monterey who paused while I admired him. Guy in garage on Diamond. Go to C.B. Daniel there. Also noxious Latina couple. Walk thru G.C.P. Then #43 home. My Avalon key chain falls apart on getting home. Shits on walking in the door. (*Relates to John viewing my diary?) Call FedEx and Adidas. Am able to be calmer with Adidas woman than with FedEx gal who just blew me off. Insight: I wanted to get back at Adidas. I wanted revenge. What is that showing me? Perhaps I want to get back at my father.

June 26 dream:  Getting ready to do a talk for The Prosperos. Woman approaches me with all sorts of things to remember. I say, “I can’t deal with those things now. I’ve got a talk to do. I’d think you’d know that.”

June 26 dream:  I’m in the audience watching a series of skits. Realize that I’m the new head of the school. Last skit about Communist China. And white women in gray skirts are sitting on top of people. There is little applause. I’m not so sure China is the bad guy.

June 26 dream:  Taking a bar exam of sorts. Duncan a traitor or not?

June 25, 2021:  Ontology group online at 9 a.m. 6 women and me. Call from “social worker” about my assault on June 23. I feel punk’d. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Now partially open. Friendly, beautiful woman at doorway. Cute patron inside. Walk to G.P. Talk with Lee. He says he thinks music critic Kosman is anti-Asian. I say, “You should write him a letter.” Go to C.B. Daniel there with heavy eye make-up. Walk thru C.G.P. Hawk on Amber Drive circles me. Shop at M.S. #43 home. Too late for Prosperos Roundtable. Re-order Adidas pants which they said were delivered on June 17, but never arrived at my doorstep.

June 25 dream:  Come in from a very drunken wild nite. My pants are split down the middle. I’m walking behind someone as my father approaches us. Woman narrator says he has a very important relationship to me. (h.o.)

June 25 dream:  Preparing online application. Leave extra space under “AIDS.” (h.o.)

June 24, 2021:  Wait for K train. See beautiful young man smoking a cigarette at Beep’s Burgers parking lot. i pass by him and as soon as I pass him I return to my train stop. Later when the train arrives, I see him kind of dancing to pick up his order. Take K to Church. Walk to Love Haight Computers. Black guy greets me in CVS. Pick up computer for $99, not the $199 they told me over the phone. Walk to Castro. Stop briefly at Spike’s and speak with manager there who asked me, “Are you the iced tea guy?” Walk to G.P. Get call from guy who refers to himself as John Pinkerton. I say, “That name sounds familiar.” (*Relates to assault from homeless guy hier, I think.) Later see “success” on Diamond Street. Go to C.B. Then Canyon Market. Cute attractive grocery worker there. Also beautiful woman at sandwich counter. Decide to take #44 to M.S. Sit at bench next to young guy. I ask him, “Are you waiting for the #44?” He says, “Yes. We’ve got 26 minutes ’til the next bus so I was going to ask if I could talk with you.” I say, “Sure.” He says, “When were you born?” We talk for about 10 or 15 minutes. He’s a sophomore at Lowell H.S. Wants to go to Stanford to study environmental science. He says it’s the cause of his generation. As soon as we get on the bus, he is wildly greeted by some friends. I get off on Portola and take #43 home.

June 24 dream:  Sleeping with cat.

June 24 dream:  Fear woman we invited over may be a danger

June 23, 2021:  Get on K train to downtown. Homeless black guy hits me in the face. Then returns to his seat. I report him. Bus driver calls police. He describes me as 75, about 180 pounds. (I don’t think I look 75, but I do think I look 180 pounds.) Cops come. It takes about ½ hour. Proceed to 2 p.m. dental appointment for possible TMJ inflammation. Dr. Adame spends a lot of time with me. Then go to Love Haight Computers. Have to leave my laptop for 2-3 days to get my speaker fixed. Walk to Castro. Feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Stop at Starbucks 18th Street. Use restroom there. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then BART home. Get call that my laptop will be ready tomorrow at noon! Yay!

June 23 dream:  Walking in the rain. Bump into Asian guy. He thinks about fighting me, but then thinks again.

June 22, 2021:  Call VA for another ENT appointment. In ’til 3ish. Walk part way to G.P. Then return home to shit. Then back to G.P. Give Lee article by Joshua Kosman, music critic for S.F. Chron. Go to C.B. Walter L. there. We talk briefly. As I’m leaving cute ramrod straight guy dressed in full camo comes in. I say, “Are we being invaded?” He says, “No, that would be difficult since I’m a submarine officer.” Walk thru G.C.P. Then #43 home. Word tracking: Listen leads to loud leads to glory leads to well-known. Insight from Gabor Maté:You are more important than your attachments.  Not true as a kid. True qs an adult.

June 22 dream:  Climbing on ancient stone structure which is kind of shaky. Others already inside.

June 21, 2021:  12:30 therapy appointment. I shared with Troy (my therapist) my diary entry of June 17: Gabor Maté saying that we only choose partners with an equally unresolved trauma. And my certainty that John had read this. He asked me what I thought John’s trauma might have been. I said I didn’t know. Later I thought that John and I both share the conviction that our beauty is deeply tied to our lovability, our worth. Walked thru Mission to the Castro. Starbucks on 18th Street. Cute, friendly guy smiles at me at Castro and 22nd Street. Continue to G.P. Daniel  at C.B. BART home. Made appointment to see ear doctor.

June 21 dream:  Sitting on the floor with Nancy and Laurie. Feeling loved. Nancy talks about going to Santa Rosa J.C.

June 21 dream:  Stick key in door. It’s already open. Someone inside says, “Hello there.” I panic and try to run away but can hardly move.

June 20, 2021:  In ’til 4:30ish. Walk down Ocean to W.G. Buy Chron from my friend there. Up to Monterey to Safeway. Win whole cooked chicken ’cause I’m standing on No. 4. I give it to woman there since I’m a vegetarian. Nice store manager (who gave me the chicken). Try to get in line of cute guy with glasses. As soon as I arrive, he leaves. Listen to more Gabe Maté on YouTube. Feel better. Insight: Realize I was never all that interested in sex with men. What I wanted with a man was a loving home.

June 20 dream:  Realize I’m late for work. Have trouble waking up.

June 20 dream:  Sister in need of new blood. Other sister diluting it for her by swinging a can of it.

June 19, 2021:  Insight: God (or my father) cannot be relied on. Translation group at 9 a.m. 5 in attendance. Walk to G.P. Pass Jun at work on the way. Have long conversation with Lee at G.P. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Go to C.B. Jay not there. Daniel is baristo. Hot straight guy standing in line. Walk to G.C.P. Then M.S. Young Asian straight guy with nice body who I admired. Went to other side of the store. He followed me over. Check out with “Sir Allen.” Really cute little boy and his slightly older brother with their father. #43 home. Only vacant seat was across from cute young Asian guy standing in an unconsciously provocative stance. He gets off at Yerba Buena Avenue. Insight: Dissociation = disembodiment. Healing = reconnection.

June 19 dream:  I’m on my way to the movies. Guy on bus asks me if I want to go to the movies with him.

June 19 dream:  Getting ready for program in auditorium. I told a very young Leigh that she could sit next to me.

June 18, 2021:  Email VA about my J&J reaction. Feels good, like I’m reporting on what my father did to me back in the ’50s. Nobody will believe me but I’m reporting it anyhow. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Then C.B. Jay not there. Daniel is baristo. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk circles me. #48 and #43 home. Prosperos Roundtable at 5:30 p.m. Suzanne says, more or less, that consciousness did not begin evolving until the women’s movement. Insight: My pain coming not from fear, but from self-punishment to make up for the behavior of my father.

June 18 dream:  Help Mr. Humphreys (from “Are You Being Served?”) into his small new shoes.

June 18 dream:  Return to my rooming house where I lived before. Lots of people outside my door walking past and talking to me. Cute gay guy shows me how to roll up my T-shirt sleeves. See two old Olympic swimmers.

June 18 dream:  Fly into New Orleans. Go to book opening party featuring Hillary Clinton, put on by the mob. At the end they drop massive water balloons from the building. People who try to leave are met up with mobsters in the street. Fortunately they didn’t know me or stop me.

June 17, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Leave home. Come back to shit. Leave again. Go to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then C.B. Jay is there again. We talk more. He “accidentally” lifts his shirt. He’ll be starting MBA program at Stanford in September. Was raised in Brentwood part of L.A. Walked to L.H. Blvd. #43 home. RHS my father (re-manifesting itself in my adulthood as my reaction to the J&J “pause.”) and Gabor Maté’s idea of attachment vs. authenticity: I blame myself to maintain my attachment to my father. Gabor Maté also says we always choose partners who have an equal level of unresolved trauma. Get LinkedIn request from Tom C.

June 17 dream:  Guy (me?) put in outdoor prison for 23 months. Some interesting people around. Guy says, “The statue will stay up for 3-1/2 years and when it comes down, all sorts of hell will break lose.

June 17 dream:  Condo in Vallejo for $100,000

June 16, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Big load of books and DVDs. Walk to G.P. Then C.B. Meet Asian guy named Jay. He’s reading “The Open Society and its Enemies” by Karl Popper. It’s a big book. We talk for a while. Then break. Then talk again as he leaves. He says, “Do you live here in Glen Park?” I go into my long explanation. He says, “I live here in Glen Park.” I said, “Well, If you come here , I’ll see you again.” (*Later realized this related to the hawk from hier on Amber Drive, I think.) As I was walking to my bus stop, I was thinking about Jay and two young guys smiled at me. White waiting for #43, John lookalike on bike. #43 home. Watched Romeo & Juliet on YouTube in p.m. Cry when Mercutio is stabbed. Also when Romeo and Juliet stab themselves.

June 16 dream:  Harriet trying to light her cigarette lighter. It doesn’t work. I stick my hand in to try to help. She grabs it.

June 16 dream:  Having breakfast at place. Sit across from cute guy I’d seen before. Earlier sleeping in train across from guys, one of whom had a hard-on even larger than mine. John was among that group, but he looked forlorn and kind of out of it.

June 15, 2021:  Jerk off in a.m. in ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Guy at Diamond & Circular. I wait for him to cross. He waits ’til I continue walking. C.B. Barista has no biscotti and no banana bread. I leave no tip. Buy banana bread next door at Canyon Market from snarky barista there. Walk thru G.C.P. Shadow of hawk, then hawk passes over me from behind on Amber Drive. Go to M.S. Then to L.H. Blvd. Guy there who I check out but only briefly. #43 home. Insight: My “contribution” to S.F is like my “contribution” to my family, like my “contribution” to God.

June 14, 2021:  12:30 therapy appointment. As I leave, I share that while we were having a casual conversation, at moments, I wanted to just bolt. Later I realized that I wanted to bolt ’cause I feared my therapist might just make a move on me, just like my father did. #38 to VA. Stay on for two stops to follow cute guy to W.G. He gives man some money. I say, “That was nice of you.” We have short conversation. Stop at La Promenade Cafe before VA. Then get my ear wax removed at VA. Walk down Clement and then down 14th Avenue. Trip and fall on wooded path. Run into Fred Cline in front of botanical garden. Go to 9th & Irving. Think it might be fun to take N to Cole Valley. See cute guy at stop. Look at him briefly. Then try to catch his eye again. He doesn’t look up but his girlfriend does. Later I realize that maybe that was all that was needed. No longer interested in going to Cole Valley. Stop at local Starbucks. Then #43 home.

June 14 dream:  Train slowly passing crowd of people. It stops just short of convenient place for guys at the head of the crowd. (h.o.)

June 14 dream:  Coming in on train, taking lots of photos of houses on the hills. Guy behind me hugging me shirtless. As we arrive lots of people on balconies in costumes. When we get in, guy behind me has shirt on and is walking away.

June 13, 2021:  RHS workshop at 3 p.m. 5 people attend. Alex still defending Trump. Walk down Ocean to 7-11 for Sunday paper. Then up to Monterey to Safeway. Check out with Nur and Christin. Nur buying Mentos. I joke, “Don’t they give you free food here?” #43 home.

June 13 dream:  Leave message for #302. He was supposed to meet me but he didn’t.

June 13 dream:  Think of buying Harriet’s $50 portable TV set. Then we decide to split it 3 ways. Want to send Xmas cards to special friends.

June 13 dream:  B&W document about NY Tenderloin. Miss the guys walking around in Speedos.

June 12, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Talk with Lee. Then Daniel at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. On exiting, see people kind of dancing on top of hill. When I get there, they are gone. To M.S. “Sir Allen” there but he didn’t see me or didn’t look. Talk with my older Asian friend at checkout. He told me he just got a haircut to be ready for a wedding on June 26. #43 home.

June 12 dream:  Trouble getting things done in the office/kitchen. Trying to make a milkshake, split pea soup, and send a letter.

June 12 dream:  Get off train. Say hello to all the people I meet in the office.

June 11, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Then C.B. Daniel there. Walk to G.C.P. See large mouse/small rat on Poppy Lane. He is perfectly still. I think he might be dead. I touch him with the bottom of my canvas bag. He moves. He doesn’t run but just looks up at me sort of dazed. (*Relates to me mailing back hand-written note which I received under the door when I was house-sitting at 833 Clayton on September 30, 2017. The note said: “Hi Beautiful Soul! The Universe loves you. Your presence is a gift to be cherished and it is honored! Thank you for simply existing (heart) You are loved + blessed – (heart) – your angels (heart)”) Walk to #43 stop. #43 home. Sit across from my Plymouth Avenue friend. We talk and I walk with him to my front door. He works at UCSF genetics lab. His name is Peter. Prosperos Roundtable later. About 9 people in attendance. We discussed trying to get left and right to talk to each other. I didn’t agree but was too tired to really talk about. (*Relates to first dream of Jun 8, I think.)

June 11 dream:  Being fucked by cute young Mexican sales clerk, with very nice ass.

June 10, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Fed Ex in G.P They can’t take my package either. Got madder than I should have. Go to Cafe Bello. Look up new FedEx places. Call them to make sure they’ll accept my package. Take BART to 16th Street. Walk to Duboce and Market. Wait in line at FedEx. Feels like the post office. Walk to Castro. Guy on bike on Market asks me for $2. I say no. He says, “It must be tough being poor and old.” I yell back, “And good-looking!” Walk thru Castro. Strange though attractive guy on 18th Street. Then up Market to Portola to #43 bus stop. #43 home. In p.m. beautiful guys who I thought were movers hier turn out to be water inspectors. I open my door. They are standing there. They ask if they can come in and inspect my pipes. I say, “Sure.” My pipes are fine. They seem like good-looking brothers. I’m in love again.

June 10 dream:  1962 civil rights demonstration outside White House. Hubert Humphrey blows smoke out the window into somebody’s face. Black guy talks about 12 years. LBJ in the White House.

June 9, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Joke with Lee about his writing for the Chron. Cafe Bello. Sudoku there. G.C.P. M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” His “Sir Allen” name tag is missing. He says he lost it. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Maggie also there at other checkout line. #43 home. Talk with young guy reading “God of the Upper Air”. Stay on one stop beyond my usual stop. Then my friend at W.G. who told me he couldn’t accept by FedEx package. Will try FedEx G.P. tomorrow. Two beautiful movers on 3rd floor.

June 9 dream:  I’m sitting on floor next to woman who is trying to heal me. She says, “Do you watch Fox news?” I say, “Oh, heck, no.”

June 8, 2021:  In’ til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then Lee at G.P. Then Cafe Bello. Sudoku there. They close 3 minutes after I get there. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk on Arbor Drive. #43 home. Cute guy with mustache, long hair and nice smile walking his dog on Hearst Street. I get off bus but can’t catch up with him (or his dog).

June 8 dream:  Tell woman I’m working with that I’m going to take off early. She says she’ll have to report it. I say, “Okay. I’m just really tired.”

June 8 dream:  Prosperos students have store on mall. Angry customer demands to be taken care of. Me and Janet C. agree with her. William F. thinks she’s being too hard.

June 8 dream:  Was visiting Tom O. in L.A. It’s raining. Even in the Valley, where Tom lives. He offers to drag my one wheel bike behind him. I say, “Why don’t I just follow you in my motorbike?” I go back to where I took it apart and the man there had “misplaced” it.

June 7, 2021:  Therapy appointment at 12:30 p.m. Walk back via Castro. Go to Starbucks on 18th Street. Two really cute baristos. Friendly guy at Walter Haas Playground who I went out of my way to encounter. He waved first. Continue to Cafe Bello in G.P. Sudoku there. Insight: Maybe the fear with John in ’87 was my fear of admitting to myself what happened with my father.

June 7 dream:  I drop my bag. Dog races to pick it up for me.

June 7 dream:  Go over to woman’s house to eat. I pick up 3 pieces of toast which had fallen on the floor. She has little wiener dog in small glass container. I say to someone, “I love that dog.” He says he hates it.

June 7 dream:  I’m supposed to buy donuts on Sunday. Guy asked me if I would take picture of him at the “Men’s Room” bar in the Mission.

June 6, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Try to take nap but apartment above is unrolling carpet or something. Later I see guy at elevator who I think might be from that apartment. He looks mean. I Translate him. My conclusion: “Truth is one infinitely thoughtful Person.” Walk down Ocean. See Asian friend from May 30. Buy Sunday paper at 7-11. Up to Monterey and down to Safeway. Check out with Nur. Boy, is he beautiful and sweet. We compared vaccine symptoms. He said he only had arm pain. I said, “I think I’m still suffering symptoms.” #43 home. Find out in p.m. that Aunt Joanne had died in the early a.m.

June 6 dream:  I’m serving tape group snacks and information. (h.o.)

June 6 dream:  Take one and a half hours off from work. When I come back, there’s lots of documents to sort. Also a new female employee.

June 5, 2021:  Translation group at 9 a.m. 4 attended. Shits at 11 a.m. Insight: Realized that hier’s shock at Starbucks probably relates to my fall on Market Street on May 24. (*It took two days for my hand to heal. Will perhaps take two days for my psyche to heal from the shock of hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Fun guy there reading “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”. Said I looked like a Zonka, a tough Polish football player. Go to Cafe Bello in G.P. Daniel there is baristo. I think I knew him from before the pandemic. He’s a psych student at S.F. State. Walk thru G.C.P. Trip on tree root as I exit. See “end” on sidewalk. Go to Creighton’s. Don’t go to Starbucks. I gawk at beautiful guy in shorts walking his dog at #43 stop. He smiles. #43 home.

June 5 dream:  Two guys in suits showering in adjacent shower stalls.

June 5 dream:  Home explodes.

June 5 dream:  Standing in line with a group of men to tell our dead fathers that we love them. Expect to see John, not in line, but at the event, as he’s been there before.

June 5, 2021:  Translation group at 9 a.m. 4 attended. Shits at 11 a.m.

June 4, 2021:  In ’til 3:30. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to CVS, hoping to see Pat. He’s not there. Go to M.S. Try to get in Sir Allen’s line but he evades me. Maggie says “hi” to me as I pass. Go to Starbucks. Barista there says, “We appreciate your comments, but not if they’re too personal.” Took me awhile to figure out what she was saying and why. I think she was referring to my comment to Anthony on June 2 when I asked him if he was wearing his tight pants. Was Anthony getting back at me for my comment on May 28 when I said I hadn’t noticed that he had taken off a few days. Beware a gay man scorned. (*Relates to fall on Market Street on May 24, I think.) Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 10 or 11 people. Joe says he’s feeling better. Sarah says big developments brewing.

June 3, 2021:  Monkeybrains guy installs my new ISP. Takes about 3 hours. I’m so thrilled to be rid of underachieving/overcharging AT&T. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to CVS Portola. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Bus comes right away. I had to rush to cap my drink and put on my mask. As I put my pass up to the reader, bus lurches forward. I fall and spill my drink all over the floor. Black guy gets mad. Young white guy looks at me with great love and concern. Later I realized he was my Plymouth Avenue friend. (*See diary of May 26.) I notice some spots from my drink on his shoe and say to him, “Looks like your shoe got hit.” He says, “They’re just shoes.” We talked a bit and he said good-bye as he got off the bus. I followed him as far as W.F., on top of which I live. (*Relates to shits from hier about 4ish, I think.)

June 3 dream:  Lots of regular earthquakes shake the house.

June 3 dream:  Playing basketball without a hoop with a shirtless Eric Newton and others. I grab him from behind and feel his naked torso.

June 3 dream:  Me and Liz Andrews going off to some dive bar during a break in class.

June 2, 2021:  Shits at 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Beautiful, sweet woman librarian there for 2nd time. G.P. G.C.P. Starbucks. Cessca and Anthony there. I ask Anthony, “Are you wearing your tight pants?’ He says, “What?” I asked him again. He pretended not to know what I was talking about. #43 home. Fire alarm in p.m.

June 1, 2021:  Bills. Monthly BB. Clicky off. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. then up Ulloa to Starbucks. Kaleb there. #43 home. See John and myself (and Irene Smith) in Metaphysical Alliance “AIDS Healing Service” YouTube video in p.m. (*Relates to tripping over coffee table last night, I think.) Tough nite trying to sleep. Lots of ear pain. Lots of Translating.

May 31, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Walk to Portola to Starbucks. Timothy and Anthony there. Anthony looking very hot in tight jeans. When I come in my mask is off so Anthony says, “Mike, will you put on your mask please?” Which I do. Then I say, “Now you know what my face looks like.” #43 home. Almost trip over coffee table in p.m.

May 31 dream:  Guy in military examining me got my name spelled wrong. He said I was getting too critical. I said, “Precision is important in the military.” He said he was going home.

May 31 dream:  High school senior goes out with older woman. He says, “Do you have any stickies?” Later I see big cockroach on ledge. Worry it will fall on me. (*Relates to Plymouth Avenue guy on June 3, I think. Cockroach is me  possibly getting down on myself for not hitting on him?)

May 30, 2021:  Insight: I haven’t yet accepted the world. If I accept the world, I have to give up God. Perhaps this is what Thane meant when he said to Karen Dahlquist, “That’s right. Force him to make a decision.” Perhaps why my mother’s death didn’t bother me too much. Perhaps why I could never get together with the men I desired. In ’til 4ish. Walk down Ocean. Run into very sweet, cute Asian guy asking for signatures to oust someone from the Board of Education who had made anti-Asian comments. He had on yellow hat and matching mask. Loved to hear him and touch him. Walk up Portola to Mt.D. Then to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” he’s very stand-offish after our intimacy of May 1. Starbucks. I accidentally ask for my banana bread which one of the baristas had already given me. My homeless friend Danny in Starbucks with his cart. I say, “Tomorrow’s Memorial Day. Are you going to be taking the day off?” He says, “Ill probably be here.” #43 home. Follow cute black guy across Ocean Avenue. He leads me to another cuter black guy with long dreds. I follow him in to resto.

May 30 dream:  On my way out of job get in argument with two girls I never really liked or respected.

May 30 dream:  Exhibit of men fake-fighting with each other. I say, “It’s like fake-loving.”

May 30 dream:  Alarm goes off in dream.

May 29, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Acme clothing store at Mission and Geneva. Cute guy there comments on my pants. Said Dickies are not as flexible as the pants I have on (my Adidas). Walk to Excelsior library. Sweet librarian there. Walk to G.P. Then up Joost to Safeway. Woman in frozen meat section. I ask her where the sausages are. Turned out she was right in front of them. Then she points out the exact type of sausage I was looking for. I said, “I knew I should have asked you!” After, I was so happy I skipped down the next aisle. #43 home. Lots of “emergency” calls from Apple today.

May 29 dream:  President Biden says that young man was able to delay his cancer for a day to say good-bye. (h.o.)

May 29 dream:  Boy and girl from opposite families are going on trip. Mother leaves at 1:20. Two kids bump into each other. Spill grape juice on each other and laugh tit off.

May 29 dream:  John sitting at end of table in cafe. When I look back, he’s replaced by somebody else.

May 29 dream:  Carol Carter and other Prosperos show up for assembly at old Louvre in Paris.

May 29 dream:  Voice says, “It’ll be over soon.”

May 28, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola. Fire engine out of Portola Drive fire station. Seamus and Anthony at Starbucks. Anthony tells me his roommate is going home. I say, “Why aren’t you going home?” he says, “You may have noticed. I was out a few days.” I laugh, “No, I didn’t notice.” #43 home. Cute guy on bus. Accident at Monterey and Plymouth. Prosperos Roundtable at 5:30 8 people there. Joe C. shares that he has been diagnosed with lung and brain cancer. Janet reports that Ned has apparently tested free of cancer. (*Accident at Monterey and Plymouth relates to Suzanne? Also relates to last dream of May 27, I think.)

May 28 dream:  Trying to go back to work. Can’t find place.

May 28 dream:  I’m alone at my new job. Move VW bug I’m sleeping in out of the center of the street. Lots of kids outside on the street sitting in rows of chairs in bright colors in Chinatown. I think it would make a great photo.

May 27, 2021:  Irene Smith online memorial at 3 p.m. Over 100 attended. What a woman. What a life. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Then Starbucks Portola. #43 home.

May 27 dream:  Cathy W. gives “old guy” a chance. He declines and she dresses in full Muslim attire.

May 27 dream:  Get lost in Napa Valley town. Try to find bus back to S.F.

May 26, 2021:  See something erotic online. Get into it. Get phone call. Have “psychic sex” with whoever called. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. My gay friend there ignores me. Go to G.P. Talk with Lee’s mom. See Anne Bollman lookalike. Go to G.C.P. Strange assignation with guy on rock and his dog and passing guy and his dog. Then M.S. Talk with my cashier friend about Jackson on the $20. We both agree we like Benjamins better. Danny, my homeless friend. Timothy and Anthony at Starbucks. Talk more with Anthony about his family and about his hair. I say, “You look Black.” #43 home. My Plymouth Avenue friend on board. I change seats to sit across from where he’s standing. Look up “pass” in p.m. May relate to me “passing” as a human being.

May 26 dream:  Virginia Wolfe (played by Elizabeth Taylor) is not happy. Another TV show about to start but I wasn’t interested.

May 26 dream:  Guy jokes that he worked in the S.F. main library in ’65. He says “Nobody’s that old.”

May 25, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. to Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. Nasty woman at bus stop Nasty woman on bus. Follow cute guy into W.F. Run into Isaiah. Email Maureen in p.m.

May 25 dream:  Things not adding up. I’m $2,017 short.

May 25 dream:  I am in a rooming house next to a resto. John is directly across the hall from me. There are no walls. Only windows. My roommate comes in just as I’m about to take a shower in the corner of the room. He barges ahead of me. I say, “I guess we’ll just have to take a shower together.” Lettuce on shower head.

May 24, 2021:  12:30 p.m therapy appointment with Troy. I share my RHS of my father and hint that I may be emotionally done with him. He’s doubtful. (*See first dream of May 23.) On way home, walk backwards, checking out guy on Market. Slip and fall on my back. Hurt my hands. Walk thru Castro. Pass J’s bar and J’s store. Up Market to Starbucks Portola. Seamus, Anthony and Timothy there. Anthony shares that he comes from a family of 7 kids, but not all from the same mother. (*Shits from hier relate to my talk with Anthony, I think.) #43 home. Cute young boy with black shorts from May 13 onboard without his mother. I sit across from him.

May 24 dream:  Big convention weekend. Course in Miracles there with us. We are walking down street. I say to woman, “This is your big weekend.” She says, “Yeah, it’s long division.” I say, “I don’t know what that is.” Oprah Winfrey says, “I don’t either.” Black guy from our group says [of Oprah], “She’s a superstar.” I say, “So are you.”

May 24 dream:  Secret service men swarm my apt. Come in thru the balcony. President is on his way, I guess.

May 23, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior. Feel “shitty.” Come back. Take shit. Walk down Ocean and up to Monterey to Safeway. Jason and Patrick and woman I like there. Remake potato salad with hard-boiled eggs, bleu cheese, and vegetarian baco-bits. It was good. Insight: My desire to fix things (COVID, my family, etc.) gets me into trouble. RHS my father in p.m.

May 23 dream:  Father Paul died and I put that in a little song I composed. (He was really a bastard.) Other people say that he’s not dead. (*Relates to RHS of my father on May 23?)

May 23 dream:  Guy visits beautiful home of English world leaders in L.A. Someone knocks on his door. It’s his assassin, a dark, well-dressed man warning him that he doesn’t have much time left.

May 23 dream:  Four “family” items I’m supposed to take care of.

May 22, 2021:  9 a.m. Translation workshop. Seven in attendance. Geek Squad came at 11:30ish to install my new router. After, take nap. Dream my new phone explodes. (*See nap dream of May 22.) In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Thinking about this dream and realizing it had nothing to do with my new router. It had to do with something I had been asking my unconscious for for years: a memory of what happened with my father. And the memory was being very happy with something. Then having an unexpected [emotional] explosion. Then realized it also relates to what happened to me with the J&J “pause.” I had been very pleased that I had taken the vaccine and “done the right thing.” Then was blind-sided by the J&J “pause,” just like I was blind-sided by my phone exploding in my dream. Just like I was blind-sided by my father when he turned a happy moment for me into a scary, ugly and shocking moment of betrayal. As I was thinking this, woman crossing Monterrey smiles at me. Joke with Lee at G.P about Jackson being on the both $10 and $20 bills. Then distant hawk at G.C.P. Then Starbucks. Timothy and Adam there but we didn’t talk. Danny, my homeless friend. #43 home. Sit near two skateboarders. Then move to front of the bus to sit near beautiful young Asian man, only to also sit next to “sleepy” Asian guy from hier. Call Sarah when I get home. Insight: Maybe reason I was so anxious and happy to be with my father was so I could forget my own ego-reaction to my mother’s death.

May 22 nap dream:  The new phone I bought just blew up.

May 22 dream:  At party in big house, trying to throw away garbage. Couldn’t find place. Also had mouthful of glass.

May 21, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Follow same black security guard as hier. I fantasize about him dancing at a strip club. He enters pizza joint and looks at me and smiles. (*Relates to last dream of May 20? Especially the part of guys trying to attack me.) Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa to M.S. Shits at M.S. I ask for $20 cash back. Cashier jokes, “Here’s your Jackson.” I try to think of who’s on the $100 bill cut can’t. Feel bad ’cause I really wanted to joke with this cashier. Later at #43 bus stop, guy walks behind me. I do double take. He’s very masculine guy waring a dress. I follow him for a few blocks, trying to catch up with him. I just missed him, just like with the cashier. But, like the cashier, I think he knew that I loved him. #43 home. Sit across from cute sleepy Asian guy. See “Your health is going to improve” on bus. Prosperos Roundtable at 5:30. 11 attended including Julia Yepez-Macbeth from Brooklyn. I asked her about Chris Hinrichs. Tried to make potato salad in p.m.

May 21 dream:  No newspapers. I’m alone in the house with Liz and Suzanne(?) I say, “Wouldn’t it be nice during this time of crisis to be in touch with what’s going on?”

May 21 dream:  Was going to do operation to improve my voice. It was beginning to sound way too complicated so at the end I had pretty much decided to cancel the whole thing.

May 20, 2021:  Shits about 2:30 p.m. Insight: What is the intelligence of my body trying to tell me? To paraphrase Shakespeare, “This tarantula (*See dreams of May 14) I claim my own.” Blame comes from the word blaspheme. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Follow cute young h.s. student carrying his guitar case. Up Ulloa to Starbucks. #43 home. Rude Asian lady makes me think maybe I should check out the rest of the bus. I do. Find the smiling eyes of Kenneth (according to his name tag). Translate “The body is physical.”  Conclusion:  Truth is the body of effortless consciousness.

May 20 dream:  “The Ability to Eat Horseshit” book.

May 20 dream:  Tell dark-haired guy, “ I don’t care what you do. I just want to be with you.” As I say this, I press two pieces of burnt toast on each side of his head.

May 20 dream:  Drive baby blue car which I’ve had for some time. Some guys try to attack me. I pass big truck that everybody thinks is hauling a shark. Turn up Van Ness and have trouble getting traction on my bike.

May 19, 2021:  Hugh John calls in a.m., telling me that his sister’s granddaughter died after a drowning incident. Later his sister Maureen called. (*See last dream of May 18.) In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. On to G.P. Lee there. On to G.C.P. As I reach top of stairs on exiting the park, small boy with blond hair and green sweater runs up and greets me. I greet him back. His mother is several yards behind. On to Starbucks. Timothy there. #43 home. W.F. Home.

May 19 dream:  Big presidential event tomorrow. Press is waiting with camera outside our door in the lobby. Later they are let in to eat some bean dish from the fridge. Someone sees a cockroach. I think they are always around.

May 19 dream:  Run into my sister Laurie at store. She admits she bought something warm colored even though the colors are cool this season (or vice versa).

May 19, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. As I walk out lobby, beautiful young man is holding a couch. I say, “Are you moving in or moving out?” He says, “I’m moving my family in to the 2nd floor.” I say, “Oh, I’m on the third.” Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa. Translating “pain” and ‘fear” along the way. Starbucks. #43 home. Find textbook on human sexuality on outside table of W.F. Insight: Now that I have lost my father, my fear is having to stand on my own two feet.

May 18 dream:  Up at some resort. Misplace both my credit cards. Suddenly my family appears. Then bunch of friends in military uniforms. I was glad to see both of them.

May 18 dream:  Kiss girl on forehead. I wanted to kiss her on the lips but that wasn’t allowed. Her whole face was like a yellow mask. We were supposed to get married. We were all laughing about something. Then we stopped. I rush across the street to resto next to shop I wanted to go to.

(*Relates to talking with Maureen M. this a.m.?)

May 17, 2021:  Insight: Connection between contamination by J&J and contamination by my father? 12:30 therapy session with Troy. About 1:20 get in touch with my grief about the loss of my father. When I get home, there’s a blank phone message at about 1:19. Walk home via Castro and Market. Stop by M.S. Then Seamus at Starbucks. #43 home.

May 17 dream:  We’re getting ready to do big show. I’m going to be the MC. Somebody asks me to pay $20 to someone named Negy, who sounds slightly familiar. I check to make sure that I have both sets of keys.

May 17 dream:  Take off on every-two-week trip to Sacramento. Only two other passengers, including a bratty girl.

May 17 dream:  At party pass pile of bikini-clad women. Cute, nice guy I liked touched my fingers and said, “Maybe we can get in on some of that skin-on-skin action.” I said, “Okay” and followed him into room with more people sitting around.

May 16, 2021:  RHS group at 3 p.m. Fun group. 7 people attended. Walk down Ocean to Monterey to Safeway. Cute guy ignored my glances. Later I see that he is whipped by his wife. Jason there. #43 home.

May 16 dream:  Calvin very pushy at my table. We’re waiting for something to happen. He asks me to go through big thick magazine ad and find the $9 glasses. Crowd is thinning out.

May 15, 2021:  Window washers wake me up at 8:30. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa to M.S. Portola. Get in line which spits between Maggie and “Sir Allen.” I wanted to talk with Sir Allen but Maggie’s line opened up first. So I talked with her. Later saw Sir Allen kind of dancing down the aisle. Adam at Starbucks talks bout biotechnology, his major at SF State. #43 home. Look up tarantula. The spider bite causes involuntary body movements (especially during the 15th to 17th century in southern Italy). (*Realize this related to my tarantula dreams of last night.)

May 15 dream:  Crew trying to repair me inside. (h.o.)

May 15 dream:  15 hats need to be eaten to win the game. The “terminator” doesn’t want me to eat the hats.

May 15 dream:  The other side has tanks. We are protected by empty swimming pools.

May 15 dream:  They arrive. The building shakes. Kids scream.

May 14, 2021:  In ’til 3:20. Walk to Jun’s for haircut. Wonderful, fun time with Jun, as usual. Walk to G.P. Sit down in Cafe Bello for first time since March 2020. Then to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. Walk home. Turn corner at Ocean Avenue. Check out cute guy smoking. He says threateningly, “Yeah?” I wave back. (*Relates to guy hier yelling at me for walking in front of his truck, I think.) Continue down Ocean. Check out bunch of skateboarders running to Balboa Skatepark. One of them looks back. Walk to W.F. Learn they re not going to re-open the W.F. cafe. Sad/bad news for neighborhood. They’re going to make it into an Amazon Prime center. Prosperos Roundtable at 5:30. Tom C. there. I share the many men who have impacted my life and vice versa.

May 14 dream:  I may have been in touch with a tarantula which could jeopardize the project.

May 14 dream:  Someone may have given my location to tarantula so my mission may be compromised.

May 14 dream:  New guy gets on elevator. Other new guy joins him. When the door opens, first new guy is putting his underwear back on. I am outraged. First new guy doesn’t seem to mind as much as me.

May 13, 2021:  In’ til 3ish. Walk to Portola to Starbucks. Seamus there. Also Danny, the homeless guy. Guy yells at me for walking in front of his truck. I wave back. #43 home. Cute young boy in black shorts with his mother. My Best Buy router arrives. Spend about an hour or two trying to install. Then made appointment with The Geek Squad.

May 13 dream:  Looking to possibly rent apartment in building owned by Bill Floyd’s parents, Liz and Jack. Also maybe a studio owned by The Prosperos. Jack said he learned something a few yeas ago when I declined his apartment.

May 13 dream:  Writer friend of mine thinks I should be called Rick Arm so he can remember my name better.

May 13 dream:  Go to night club.

May 12, 2021:  Order Monkeybrains wifi. Get all worked up/stressed out about installation of router. Online appointment with my VA primary at 10:30 a.m. He agrees that my symptoms are probably psychosomatic beginning with the J&J pause on April 13. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa to M.S. Portola. Pass cute guy talking with two girls. I go to M.S. Later girls leave guy in front of Starbucks. As I go in, his mask is off and his face is beautiful. I admire him and he smiles back. I go on into Starbucks. Timothy and Kaleb there. As I come out, same guy is walking down the sidewalk with great difficulty and effort. My heart immediately goes out to him. He struggles into M.S. I want to follow him but I realize that the moment has passed. #43 home. See “Prepare to meet your king” in Aquarian Gospel.

May 12 dream:  End of show. Guy asks for blue sombrero.

May 12 dream:  Something about Blossom Street.

May 12 dream:  Head up to my new job on 37th floor. Playfully bump into Barry Bram in the lobby. My left arm is smudged. Elevator is like a roller coaster. Arrives at 35. Nannie there, looking old. Still have to figure out how to get to 37.

May 11, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Accidentally throw away my umbrella. Go to W.G. to buy new one. Then W.P. Then Ulloa. See “Pat” written etched in the sidewalk. Think I should probably visit him at CVS. So I do. He told me he hasn’t yet taken any vaccine. I told him of my troubles with J&J. I also told him, “You look great.” On to Starbucks. Kaleb there said they’re looking into re-opening. #43 home. My Plymouth Avenue friend on board. I follow him briefly after we get off bus.

May 10, 2021:  Translate my call from Wilson Fong, that I didn’t think he would be helpful in any way. Then he didn’t call (as I hoped). Therapy session at 12:30. Good session. At the end, I share my feeling of protectiveness for the men who offered to have sex with me. My therapist repeated it back to me. And expanded on why I may have felt so protective, that is, because of the era I grew up in, and especially the relationship between me and my father. So in spite of the sexual freedom which surfaced for me in 1969 and ’70, underneath (at an unconscious level) were the same old fears which I wanted to protect myself and others from. (*See 2nd dream of May 9.) Gay man dressed in black as I leave therapy session. He sneezes when I pass him. Walk up Market to Castro. Pass J’s bar and J’s store. Up Market to Starbucks Portola. Anthony there. #43 home. Shits on getting home. Call VA to remake VA appointment with Fong on Wednesday.

May 10 dream:  Got handout on Shakespeare which I had already seen.

May 10 dream:  Taking woman and little boy out to eat at “Comes” resto. It’s raining hard.

May 10 dream:  Proofreading something and falling asleep.

May 9, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Feeling not much better. Lots of body pains, etc. Walk down Ocean and up Monterey to Safeway. Guy with “We Grow Farmers” T-shirt at Safeway. Female cashier Bobby asks me how my day was. I say, “Rough.” On way home, see sign saying, “It won’t be like this forever.” Take that as a sign from the Universe. This was a sign which I missed on April 29, when I got off #43 bus early.

May 9 dream:  Visiting too cool guy who wore satin multi-colored Nehru jacket. Later everybody got under the covers except me. See parade outside the window marching down S.F. street. I tried to get away but my little toes were caught in the sheets.

May 9 dream:  S.F. Bay is clear water you can see thru. (*Relates to insight from therapy session on May 10 that it may have been my protectiveness of the men who offered to have sex with me which prevented me from having sex with them.)

May 9 dream:  See Louis Armstrong at his day job. He’ll be playing somewhere tonight.

May 8, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. I briefly share my Translation of “I need to rely on others for health, support and love.” Later realized I felt really good after female VA advice nurse told me hier that my symptoms are not unusual. Later still realized it was like a parent telling their child that they’re okay after skinning their knees. So what would prevent that from happening? Maybe I felt I didn’t’ deserve a mother’s love. Why not? Well, ’cause when my real mother was shot dead in front of me at age 8, all I could think was,, “At last, I’m going to be famous.” The police had arrived. The press had arrived. So I thought maybe the pains I’m feeling (or allowing myself to feel) relate to some sort of self-punishment for my ego-centered and petty reaction to my mother’s death. What would I think of somebody else who behaved that way, even at the age of 8? One of the reasons I love John and people like him is ’cause no matter what else they may be guilty of, they’d never react to their mother’s death the way I did. Can I ever forgive myself? Maybe not. But I can “give for.” That is, give up my old identity as person, place or thing for a new understanding of myself as mind unfolding. Left home about 4ish. Went to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee there, but no Chrons. Guy on Arbor Street cleaning his car. I compliment him on his beautiful car. He’s the one with two snappy, noisy little dogs. On to G.C.P. Then M.S. Got “Perfect” at Starbucks. Assume that related to the RHS I just spoke of. #43 home. Sit next to beautiful young guy who touches my leg as he leaves.

May 8 dream:  Getting married to kind of cute but strange guy who said he didn’t want to. Then said he did. Arrive at gay bar. Bill Murray was there.

May 8 dream:  Volunteer at small newsletter job in Berkeley. All women. Leigh B. works there. I call Richard B. and lose him on the phone. I think sometimes he deliberately tries to confuse things. Black woman there I like. Someone suggests they hire Richard to add “wit” to the newsletter. I think, “I have wit. I’d like to work here.” I take off for a break, even though I’d already had lunch.

May 7, 2021:  Talk to advice nurse at VA. Feel better. Heather calls. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean. Cute black guy with “Open Hand” T-shirt (and nice chest) at W.G. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa. Cute blond high school student walking between two girls trips and smiles at me. Kaleb and barista sing “Happy Birthday” to me at Starbucks. Get free latte. Prosperos Roundtable in p.m. Good discussion. 10-11 people there.

May 7 dream:  Go out on “date” with two girls from the same house as mine. They are royalty. When i get back, I eat something.

May 7 dream:  Nancy Lee and Richard (from “Keeping Up Appearances”) are doing Christian Science work on someone. Richard gave me her two Christian Science books.

May 7 dream:  New … in … I don’t spend much time at.

May 7 dream:  Wild white horse on farm. Owner asks somebody to take a photo. I do. Horse turned out to have the face of an old woman.

May 6, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Seamus there. #43 home. Young black-haired guy ignores my glances. Insight: Refused all the men in my life ’cause I was married to my father, at least in my mind. Also, if I got together with my father (metaphorically), my step-mother would kill me (or have my father kill me).

May 5, 2021:  Shits around noon. Listen to father’s oral history tapes. Two hours. Thought I would hate it (and him), but generally liked him. The tapes were done in 1989, when he was 73. Things I never knew before: He almost got into Stanford in 1937 and he and his parents had a weekend house in Atherton. He left out any mention of his first wife, his first son or his second (me). As a person, though, he seemed likable but weak. He didn’t seem like the very frightening person I remember. (*Relates to “President dies” dream of April 20?) In ’til 3:45 or so. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to M.S. Timothy, Seamus and Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home.

May 5 dream:  Cartoon-like characters: The teacher talks to all of us. To me he says, “Finish your story.” I go home and am told that my father is finishing my story. Beethoven’s 9th in the background.

May 5 dream:  Traveling thru desert town with Tom C. and others. Tom said some other guy would have wanted to go to a bar. Mountain there was one used in movie logo.

May 4, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior. Skateboarder with beautiful eyes who I’d seen before, on Ocean Avenue. Then tall, well-built Latino man smiling as I check him out, at Lee. Later I cross Ocean to pass well-defined Latino in muscle T-shirt. He looks at me blankly as I look at him. Later, I cross Ocean again to check out two young skateboarders. Woman with cleavage smiles at me. I smile back, under my mask. Excelsior library. G.P. Caught between two or three barking dogs on Arbor Street. Then G.C.P. Then hawk followed by two screeching crows on Amber Drive. Then hawk alone. As I pass M.S., Seamus says hello to me. I didn’t recognize him at first. Starbucks. #43 home. Follow my Plymouth Avenue friend into W.F. and out (*See diary of April 27). Insight: Realize that if my therapist is correct and I really did dissociate, that my father was the only person who could have told the truth about what he did, and he never did. He went to his death without telling the truth that would have healed our family. And gaslighting me and anybody else who didn’t accept his “truth.” And I went along with it as much as I could, ’til I could get away from him.

May 4 nap dream:   Driving home, have trouble getting back into my body.

May 4 dream:  Amy Goodman stops by the house as I’m trying to type something.

May 3, 2021:  Submit HWTS request for J&J post-vaccine symptoms. In ’til 11:30 or so. Take BART downtown for therapy session with Troy. Get there about an hour early. Walked around downtown. Session got things going for me. Felt pretty good. (*Relates to “3 weeks” from April 6?) Blondish, 50ish, guy at Van Ness and Market. We were both thrilled at seeing each others. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Later run into Brett, a street artist, again. (*See diary of March 25.) Walk by J’s bar and J’s store. Buy $9.88 mocha drink in the Castro. Walk up Market to Starbucks Portola. Timothy very happy to see me. Seamus, too. Anthony there. I ask him about his ’60s class. He says he’s working on a website for the class. I say, “I was there!” Watch “Conversations with God” in p.m. Insight: I really do believe I came from God. When I said in my HWTS request, “You said it’d be safe.” I was referring to the authorities who said J&J would be safe. But also to The Authority: God?

May 3 dream:  Preparing package for delivery. Is it a rape kit?

May 3 dream:  Clear up somebody’s room. Shut door with flair. Then remember I left my keys inside. Elizabeth (from “Keeping Up Appearances”) says it happens all the time. I try to climb up escalator which is loaded with thrown away food and going down. I don’t make much progress.

May 2, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Decide not to attend RHS workshop. Shits just before I leave. Walk down Ocean behind good-looking guy on his way to 24 Hour Fitness. I fantasize about taking his pants down. When he gets to gym, he holds door open for me, as I pass on. Onward to W.P. Get call from Sarah as I walk up Ulloa and down Teresita to Safeway. Nice, short conversation with Nur. Female cashier next to him says, “Everybody wants to talk with Nur.”

May 1, 2021:  [I was so busy catching up with online work hier, I forgot Prosperos Roundtable.] Wake up to fire alarm around 8 a.m. Bills. Monthly BB. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior. Three moving vans outside my apartment building. Cold, windy day. Excelsior library. Then G.P. No Chrons. Go to G.C.P. Then M.S. “Sir Allen” loves me with his eyes. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Rude black father and his spoiled daughter.

May 1 dream:  Wake up early in prison of some sort. Want to make sure I’m not late for appointment.

May 1 dream:  See “Jesus Christ” on glass door.

May 1 dream:  Man throwing blue globe down shaft. It doesn’t fall straight down.

April 30, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. I take #49 at noon for jury duty. See a 4th story being added to Nannie’s old place at Mission & Cortland. Go to jury room about 45 minutes early. As soon as we all sign in, we are told we can go home. Applause ensues. Walk home via Market. Pass J’s bar and J’s store in the Castro. On walk up Market do Crown Mysteries (“Let there be wisdom. And there is wisdom.”) Later review my J&J history. I wasn’t really enthused about getting the vaccine but I wanted to get it over with, which only led to further problems. I asked myself, “When has this happened before?” Realized this is probably what happened with my father. I was willing to go along, just to get it over with, but that led to even more problems. Remembered Steve Hines quote I used on the BB: “Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situations again to see if you’re still a dumbass.” (*Relates to 7 hawks from April 27?) Seamus at Starbucks. Get cafe latte and brownie instead of my usual matcha green tea latte and blueberry scone. #43 home.

April 30 dream:  On bus trip somewhere, tell someone about my purchase of Rachmaninoff record album. He’s not pleased.

April 30 dream:  Teaching Translation to school kids in two separate rooms.

April 29, 2021:  Do a good Translation of “contaminate.” It leads to integral/untouched. Being touched implies duality. (*Relates to 7 hawks from April 27?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P Boulevard. Continue Translation. My conclusion: Truth can only touch Itself. Then up Ulloa. Kaleb and Adam at Starbucks. #43 home. Get off bus early. See “Take the High Road” painted on crosswalk. Get Bernie doll from Nancy O. for my 75th birthday.

April 29 dream:  I am waiting for a particular train which has already been sent on its way. (h.o.)

April 29 dream:  Out of four young men in very tight, ball-hugging clothes, we were asked which one was wearing a dildo. I guessed the first guy. I was right. (h.o.)

April 29 dream:  Attend high school band concert. When girl flautist has a solo, male band conductor goes back and kisses her. Later I tell my cousins, “I hope they have the same policy when it’s a male flautist.” My cousins get quite upset.

April 28, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk out to Portola. Follow cute delivery person to W.P. Boulevard. As I turn back, see beautiful, long-haired guy walking away from me. I could tell from his carriage that he was really worth trying to meet. So I will change my route to include W.P. Boulevard ’til I do meet up with him. (*Relates to seven hawks from hier?) Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks. Timothy there. #43 home. Looking into my laptop camera for Zoom meeting of Jamaal Bowman’s speech, my right eye looked back at me, just like my father: cruel yet self-pitying.

April 28 dream:  See Eric Newton at gay bar. He’s gained a few pounds, but still looks good. We exchange glances briefly.

April 27, 2021:  Email from Political Bob about all the deaths and illnesses caused by the various COVID vaccines in Europe got me to realizing how vulnerable I have made myself to suggestion. This is something certainly worth ridding myself of, I realized. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Very cute librarian there i’d never seen before. Walk to G.P. Seven hawks flying overhead on Arbor Street. Dog excited to see me at G.C.P. Second dog gives me stick to throw, which I do. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Sweet, rich, young man gets off on Yerba Buena Avenue. Second guy gets off at my stop. I follow him to Plymouth Drive. Had seen him before.

April 27 dream:  Tom O. and I working in mechanic’s shop for our parents. Tom says we should take a late lunch and just take off for the rest of the day. I agree. I accidentally misplace my jacket. Tom suggests I may have left at one of the places we stopped by earlier.

April 27 dream:  For some reason, I agreed to have sex with Marion Bell, so we meet at hotel. I run into Patrice Roemer who seems enthused about the idea. Our “room” is just a bed in the hallway with lots of other people in others beds. Marion is very old and frail and I’m practically a virgin with women.

April 27 dream:  Me and guy from Bay Times and woman all decide to meet in far away beach area of S.F. I’d never seen before. Before, we discussed Trump supporter we still liked.

April 26, 2021:  In ’til 1:30ish. Take K downtown. Tour studio apartment at Trinity Place (8th and Market). They are charging $1,700 per month for 320 square feet. I liked the walk-in shower. Otherwise, I don’t think so. Walk up Market to Castro. Pass bicyclist with helmet who looked a lot like John. I turned around. He smiled. I smiled and waved. Car approached as I was in the middle of a crosswalk. He seemed concerned. I wasn’t. Walk by J’s bar and J’s store in the Castro. Sweet little dog in the window on Castro. Friendly, big, old black dog on 19th Street. Continue walk up Market. Black guy nods at me. See “New York” etched in sidewalk. (*Relates to first dream of April 25?) Norrel at M.S. Anthony at Starbucks. He told me he lived in a 5-member household. #43 home.

April 26 dream:  Me defending Catholic Church. I say, “The Catholic Church has been here since the year zero.”

April 26 dream:  My father building swimming pool in middle of street intersection for all to enjoy.

April 26 dream:  Go to hip after-hours bar with three others.

April 26 dream:  Compose popular song in my head. Try to write it down. Meet young woman at party. I really like her. I show her book on science which I didn’t understand. She explained that it shows that in all the great problems of history, there was always a solution even though they may not have seen it. I kissed her. She said, “Don’t start that.” I said, “I didn’t think about it.”

April 25, 2021:  Richard Tarnas speaks of initiation rites on YouTube. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Portola Drive. Nice, handsome, rich guy on San Benito greets me. Bratty kid at Starbucks looks at me and whispers to his mother. Kaleb at Starbucks. Good-looking Asian man on my way down Portola to #43 bus stop. I’d seen him before. He was with his wife and daughter but appreciated my attention. #43 home.

April 25 dream:  Guy reading map which points to New York City and says, “One of the most important meetings in the history of mankind.” Guy overhears … circles area with yellow felt pen repeating the name of the man who said it, “Scully.”

April 25 dream:  Take ride from first person I can. He’s a bad driver and maybe more. I decide to get out at next stop light.

April 24, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. Later Google “pins and needles.” Discover it is a symptom of panic attack. Nap from 1:45 to 3:15. Guy from apartment above me moving out? Walk to Excelsior library. Line too long to wait for my one book. Walk to G.P. Cute young guy standing on sidewalk., looking at his cellphone. He smiles at me. I buy Chron and walk past him again. Then to Safeway. Check out with girl named Bobby. Then see my friend Nur (*See diary of February 7) at next checkout line. Missed him. Wait at Gennessee & Monterey for #43 bus. Friendly, unleashed dog comes toward me. Smells my groceries and leaves. Later friendly guy with two friends smiles at me. Walk home with my three bags of groceries.

April 24 dream:  Thane arrives early. He says, “Did you get the photos done?” I lie and say, “Mostly. The personal ones.” He says, “Follow me.” I follow him to basement. He walks fast. We pass some religious folk. He gives them cards to pass out. They don’t want to. He (a much younger man now) and I walk on. I think, “I’ve really got to pay attention to everything he says and does.”

April 24 dream:  I win $10,000 and some drugs. Little scamp trying to take flags from me. He’s put on an impromptu trial.

April 24 dream:  Bicyling through Belgium or one of those Nordic countries.

April 23, 2021:  Rough nite last nite aftet taking multi-vitamin. Up “early” at 9:45 a.m. Short nap. In ’til 4ish. Walk up to M.S. Portola. Cold day. “Sir Allen” at M.S. I was excited to see him and vice versa. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Starbucks. #43 home. Prosperos Roundtable. 11 people. Talk about fresh vegetables. Call Sarah later to get Translation sense testimony for tomorrow. (Sense testimony: People resist new paradigms.)

April 23 dream:  A lot of us  sit down to eat. Then many of them go up the hill (on La Brea?) to sit down with their food. I decide to join them.

April 22, 2021:  Really happy that jury duty is next Friday at 440 McAllister instead of tomorrow at 855 Brannon. Shits at 3ish, just before leaving. Walk to Excelsior library. Walk to G.P. Talk to Lee’s mom. Hawk at G.C.P. Then beautiful, mixed race motorcyclist on Amethyst Way. He told me about his three motorcycles and said to me, “It’s never too late.” (*Relates to hawk and crow from Portola Drive hier, I think.) Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Cute young boy with glasses avoided my glances.

April 22 dream:  At family reunion, my father there. I stick up for the school he, I and guy named Clint went to. It seems Clint and I had the possibility of some sort of relationship. When he leaves, he kisses girl in kitchen good-bye. Then kisses me good-bye. And gives himself the middle finger as if to say, “Fuck me.” And kind of shrugs in apology. Ben G. there, too?

April 22 dream:  Big disagreement between two buildings in L.A. Manager asks everyone to come out in the street to talk about it. I tell a friend, “I’ve never seen—well, maybe once or twice—something like this happening in S.F.”

April 22 dream:  My brother bought a park bench in London just in case…

April 21, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Two beautiful guys in W.G. One Asian. One Latino. Big German shepherd. Very friendly. I wave. He barks. Hawk and crow over Portola Drive. Starbucks. #43 home. John Cade at W.F. bakery. Shits on getting home. Jerk off later.

April 21 dream:  Have nice talk with my cousins and their family. They like my apartment. So do I. I take off for a run.

April 20, 2021:  Fill out online jury questionnaire. In ’til 3ish. Cold and windy day. Walk up Portola Drive. At last minute decide to go to CVS to get walnuts. See my friend Pat. He greets me as I enter store. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) I wait in line for several minutes so I can talk to him. He looks really beautiful today. Find out he got J&J as well. Then Starbucks. Meet Seamus. #43 home. Insight: Since my father was now fucking me, I must be my mother. Since she was now dead, I took on her identity.

April 20 dream:  Trying to put picture back in place. Some bugs still around. (*Relates to memory of last night, I think.)

April 20 dream:  Even though I didn’t win contest, other two gave me their turkey dinner. So much food it was overflowing my plate. And my hands were more than full.

April 20 dream:  President dies. Only one of three living presidents shows up for funeral. I visit friend’s apartment. Look for bowl. Only one dusty bowl in cabinet of the right size. I take it out. Walk to empty lobby. Two young black aboriginals have started fire in pit in which they are seated. They laugh gleefully that all will soon burn down, though the fire appears to be ebbing, and I walk towards the other side of the room where there’s a fire extinguisher on the wall. (*Relates to memory of last night as well, I think.)

April 19, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to M.S. Portola. RHSing the FDA and the CDC and my father for betraying my trust and feigning they/he did it out of “love.” Hawk at San Benito and Ocean. Asian guy in line in front of me at M.S. smiles at me. Then Maggie makes a point of saying hello to me. Nice barista at Starbucks who asked if my day was as “productive” as it was hier. Find key at stoplight. #43 home. Learn Cenk Uygur also had the J&J vaccine. Tough night getting to sleep. I am getting tenser and tenser. Feel like I’m about to explode or implode. I finally get up around 2:30 a.m. and start shaking uncontrollably. I think I’m dying ’cause of J&J vaccine I got two weeks ago. I call VA. Barry talks me down and eventually I stop shaking. Barry convinces me it’s not the J&J. Later I realize it’s the memory I’ve been asking my unconscious for for months. It’s the memory of how I felt about my father. And I was scared to death. I continued my RHS, releasing my father as an out-picturing of my own young awareness. I always made a big deal about remembering how I came from God. But I was willing to give all that up (my divine Father, if you will) for the prospective love of my father.

April 19 dream:  Eating fake bacon sandwich. Janet Cornwell takes a piece of my bacon. Tom C. there also.

April 19 dream:  Clean, clear swimming pool. (*Relates to RHS of my father. See diary of April 19.)

April 19 dream:  Right wing candidates and one Democrat win initial election.

April 19 dream:  Working on political campaign with two guys. They mentioned that Barry Goldwater did something. I say, “Barry Goldwater, Senior?” They say, “Yes.” I say, “I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for him ’cause he stood up for his gay grandson.” We go into resto. Two cute little boys dressed in black uniforms with ties rush up to us. Woman talks with them.

April 18, 2021:  Get up early. Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. Ben leads us in “Spontaneous Conversation” which wasn’t all that spontaneous. 23 or 24 in attendance. It inspired me, though, with a SynCon idea to have a SponCon SynCon: A Spontaneous Conversation Synergetic Convergence. Take nap. Then RHS workshop at 3 p.m. John A. talks about a “sob” which he was frightened to experience. Walk to Starbucks Portola about 4ish. See beautiful Asian guy on way up. Then Anthony (briefly) at Starbucks. #43 home. See beautiful Asian guy again. Get off bus and follow him for a while down Plymouth. Email Rick with my SponCon SynCon idea. Donald Hoffman on YouTube talks about the exhilaration and terror of consciousness exploration, like what I experienced with John in January ’87 at Unitarian Church. Insight: My hypochondria related to my fear of my father?

April 18 dream:  Returning safely. Everyone partying.

April 17, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior, Translating foreign/forest. My conclusion: All is clearing. All is clear. My gay friend at Excelsior library. Lee at G.P. I tell him I had the J&J the day before they stopped it. He said, “You’re lucky.” I said, “I’m not so sure. Now I have a one in a million chance to get a blood clot.” Lee laughed and clapped his hands together loudly. I’d never seen him so animated. “You’ll be fine,” he said. I think it was a mutation from my Translation. Walk to Safeway. Feel sudden shits around 5ish. Take shits in Safeway bathroom. (*Relates to John reading my diary from hier?) Continue shopping. #43 home. Insight: I hang on to my pain ’cause it feels normal to me.

April 17 dream:  Wrestling matches at the sea. When the men wrestled each other, they tore each other’s clothes off. One older man in particular wrestled a younger man and tore his clothes off As I watched I knew I would be humiliated. After which, everyone got bored and went into the ocean for a swim. (*Relates to my father humiliating me in his bedroom in Menlo Park when I was 9 or so?)

April 16, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Earlier got call from VA. Later realized it was probably bogus. (*Relates to “Expect the Unexpected” from April 13?) As I was coming to this realization, walking up Portola Drive, man walking past me waves and smiles, as if in agreement. Anthony at Starbucks. He was juggling all sorts of drinks. I say to him, ”You’re getting very good at this.” He smiles and kind of curtsies. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30. Only seven present.

April 16 dream:  Lots of ham and cheese pizzas before my order. (h.o.)

April 16 dream:  My boss at work, Barry Bram, comes in depressed. I say, “Perhaps we should do some trust exercises.” He says, “My son died today. That the 2nd son of mine to die.” I put my hand on his shoulder. He said he [his son] was out skateboarding and did a risky stunt.

April 16 dream:  Crossing the bay, the sun is still up. I think, “Wow, we really got involved in a school where we were taught how to overcome our past and live in a world of unpredictable possibilities.”

April 15, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to M.S. Portola. Cute Mexican guy with two others at deep hole in alleyway. I say, “It’s deep.” He looks at me in surprise. Maggie at M.S. kind of short with me. But I flirted with her Asian workmate. Starbucks. #43 home. Cute guy gets on. I check him out several times. He pretends not to notice.

April 15 dream:  Someone in our house is having a birthday tomorrow. Woman being doted on by her husband wants to know if somebody will take on the responsibility of making the drinks.

April 15 dream:  Steve H. has this beautiful body he’s never had before. We start kissing. Then we fall asleep. Later I start making out with his body which he really likes. I asked if he went to the gym. “No,” he said. He just worked at jobs that required exercise.

April 15 dream:  Young school girl in the bedroom of most popular guy in school. (*Relates to me in my father’s bedroom back in the ’50s?)

April 15 dream:  Woman on airplane with brand new 45 rpm record player and records.

April 14, 2021:  Glanced at The Aquarian Gospel of Jesus the Christ. Read “And Jesus said, These scribes and Pharisees are not the scions of the tree of life, they are not plants of God; they are the plants of men, and every foreign plant shall be plucked up.” Also read that Gov. Newsom and Pres. Biden had had the J&J shots. That helped me for some reason. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Feeling very horny. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home.

April 14 dream:  Was going to pee into toilet full of dry clothes. Decided not to. Leigh B. there. She gave me a book which I’m very excited about. I’m a little more than half way thru. About attaching electrodes to parts of your body. Leigh said, “I almost went into that.”

April 14 dream:  Talking with Chris Hinrichs. I ask him, “How did you find The Prosperos? Was it Thane?” He said, “No, it was Elaine Peterson.” We were walking back to small gathering of students.

April 13, 2021:  J&J vaccine paused. Steve H. was right. (*See diary of April 9.) While I’m in the middle of freaking out, Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Cute young guy at Portola & O’Shaughnessy. He smiles at me with his eyes. Then sits down on nearby bench. After I don’t approach, he walks down O’Shaughnessy after some other guy. Then Starbucks. Shared my concern about the J&J vaccine with counterperson. #43 home. Nasty woman who gets off at same stop as mine and goes into low-income building next to mine. See “Expect the unexpected.” Translate vaccine. Later hear opinion that the six women who got sick may not even have gotten sick from the vaccine. May be due to birth control pills.

April 12, 2021:  Go to copy place to get label to return my size 36 pants which were too small. Luckily postal worker was sitting in his van with door open and took my package. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Anthony there. We give each other thumbs up. #43 home. See beautiful muscular young guy sitting near doorway, wearing sweat pants and sleeveless sweatshirt. I stand near him rather than taking a seat elsewhere. He asks if I want a seat. I say, “No, thanks.” Then I ask him, “Are you a dancer?” “A what?” he says. “A dancer.” “A what?” “One who dances,” I say. He says, “No.” Then, “Why do you ask?” I say, “Because of your bearing.” Later see that the two girls sitting behind him are with him. They all leave together. When I get home, there’s a blank phone message from 4:38 p.m., almost exactly the time this took place.

April 12 dream:  Friend play fights with me in my bed. I say, “Not here. Now now.” Struggle to wake up.

April 12 dream:  Dance with Lauren S. at party. Actually, we were the only couple dancing.

April 12 dream:  Running thru a national park. I’m AWOL from the military and sooner or later they will probably check up on me.

April 11, 2021:  In ’til 3:45 or so. Walk to M.S. Portola. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Work on book. C.S. Lewis video in p.m.

April 11 dream:  Troupe from Europe getting ready to perform in California. (h.o.)

April 11 dream:  Point to caregiver. “Smarter than you is you,” I tell fellow caregiver. That makes me feel good.

April 11 dream:  The Soviet Union lands on the moon. TV shows reaction of short, Irish woman actor and the audience reaction to her. She says, “From Pittsburg to the Soviet Union” and makes a face of great wonderment.

April 10, 2021:  Translation workshop at 9 a.m. Try to nap later. In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Talk with Lee and his mother about vaccines. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. See Jun walking into his salon. Follow very beautiful tall, young Asian man with sort of pony tail into bread section. I walk near him. He seems undecided. I say, “Lots of choices.” he says, “Yeah, I can’t decide.” I go to banana bin. Want to flee, but stick around until the moment is over. (*Relates to single hawk and circling hawks at G.C.P. on April 7, I think.) Later, mulling this over, get single ring on my land line.

April 10 dream:  J. rushing up stairs to have sex with one or two of his friends.

April 9, 2021:  Center for Humane Technology group online at 10 a.m. Not very impressed for 2nd week in a row. Steve H. calls to tell me that J&J vaccine may cause blood clots. But not to worry. I told him, “I thought it was the AstraZeneca vaccine.” In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Anthony there. He’s friendly but cool. #43 home. Sit near cutish guy. He sticks his butt in my face as he exits. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30. Kind of depressing in that we always seem to talk about the same things: how to reach young people, how to improve our website, etc.

April 9 dream:  Looking for job acting in movies. Tell friend I may not get one. (h.o.)

April 9 dream:  Jonathan F. takes piece of cake from me and stops working for a while.

April 9 dream:  Beautiful woman with soft skin comes up to table I’m standing at. Everyone in the room wants her, including me.

April 8, 2021:  Wake up to a pre-announced 45 minutes fire alarm. Try to take nap later. In ’til 4:15ish. Walk up to Starbucks Portola. Follow guy on Ulloa. Kaleb at Starbucks. I ask about “masculine” guy I met at Starbucks on Tuesday. He said it was probably Victor. Walk to bus stop. Cute, well-built cyclist in Spandex at crosswalk. He goes ahead on red light. I say, “Wait.” he goes again. I say, “Wait.” #43 home. Beautiful guy walking his bike up Plymouth. I debate getting off bus but decide I don’t need to. (*First cyclist relates to first hawk from hier? Second cyclist relates to hawks circling each other hier? No. See diary of April 10.) Cute, confused Asian guy with unzipped pants get on #43 as I get off. (*Relates to how I was feeling?) Shits when I get home.

April 8 dream:  Dream somebody is in my kitchen which is part of a bigger apartment complex. I tell him, “Hey, get out of my kitchen.” I’m about to get up when I wake up.

April 8 dream:  Kamala Harris is hot for me. She wants to stay in the same Ramada that I’m staying in while the hospital takes care of me. Another woman also is hot for me.

April 8 dream:  Something about Craig Northrup?

April 7, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Get my COVID certificate laminated. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then, just as I arrive at G.C.P., one nearby hawk. Then two hawks circling each other. Starbucks. Kitty and other woman. #43 home. I sit next to cute young with glasses on. Then another cute self-assured young man gets on. First guy gets off on Flood. Second guy gets off with me at my stop.

April 7 dream:  At court hearing everyone is very pro-woman including the woman trying to seduce me. She says, “You’re 12.” and I couldn’t disagree.

April 7 dream:  Driving around the edge of Lake Tahoe. People threatening us. General mayhem.

April 7 dream:  Get job at big fancy law firm. Can’t figure out where things are. Finally wander out of the building. Run into young man. We talk. He wanders off. Try to find a place to sort through my papers to find phone number so I can call the temp agency or my employer. Go to part of S.F. I’d never seen before. Lots of very well-dressed people running to make the performance on time. I thought, “I’ve never seen that before.”

April 6, 2021:  Up early to go to VA for COVID shot at 10:45 a.m. Take K to Market and Third. Feel a little “shitty.” Beautiful, tall, dark and handsome man in shorts on Third Street. Get shot. Walk up Market to Laguna. See dead mouse on Market. Still feeling “shitty.” Take K to Portola shopping center. Have nice talk with Maggie at M.S. Then Starbucks. Adam there. He still doesn’t register with me. Other very masculine guy with buzz cut. I’m kind of blown over by him. #43 home. Work online ’til 4ish. Shits at 4ish. Walk to copy place to get my COVID certificate laminated, but they closed at 4. Take nap. Feeling crappy all evening.

April 6 nap dream:  I’m about to join others swimming in elevated, dammed-up ocean, but I get called away. Taking pictures of explosions in the East Bay. Bob Meslinsky arrives in official Red Cross-type outfit. I try to kiss him, then say, ” Oh, I forgot. We aren’t supposed to kiss anymore.”

April 6 dream:  In motorcycle race with two Toms and two others. I’m not racing, just releasing the drivers at the right moment.

April 6 dream:  My employers want to keep on young female singer ’cause they believe the’ll be the next Bardu.

April 6 dream:  Horses swimming in clear, grayish/yellowish waves. One playfully biting another.

April 6 dream:  “3 weeks.”

April 6 dream:  On lawn discussing getting rid of H,W,, M. requirement for our group which has grown a lot since we started about a year ago.

April 6 dream:  Give Oprah an article on gay women. I have a sort of thing for her.

April 5, 2021:  Finish work early. Work on book. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola to Starbucks. Anthony there. I ask him about guy named Adam who used to work there. He served old woman drink and asked if she wanted a straw. She didn’t hear him. So I repeated, “Do you want a straw?” She returned and got her straw. I think (but do not say to Anthony), “We make a good team.” (*Relates to shits from two days ago?) #43 home. Receive $1400 credit card in mail. Take a while to figure out how to transfer money to my bank.

April 5 dream:  Somebody trying to check out my teeth. I hide them.

April 4, 2021:  3 p.m. RHS workshop. Al leaves early. Steve H. there. Walk down Ocean and up to Monterey to Safeway. Then #43 home right away. Call Steve H. We talk almost an hour. Line goes dead just when Steve starts talking about the global warming “hoax.” Insight: My father wants me to hit him (i.e., be a man) so he can let himself off the hook about what he did to me (i.e., made me a woman).

April 4 dream:  Big hunk of wax comes out of my left ear.

April 4 dream:  Take girl to motel pool game from balcony. Someone throws a frisbee our way. I don’t go for it. My girlfriend gets closer to guy competing with me.

April 4 dream:  Thane leaves, then comes back. I had spilled some water on the floor. He suggests that we get rid of the coverings on the mats. So I did. I admitted I had spilled some water.

April 4 dream:  I was getting ready to go on TV news to talk about important historical moment/speech in Black history.

April 3, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 4:30ish. Walk down Ocean and up towards Starbucks Portola. Feel “shits” coming on. Turn around and go home. Make it home around 5:30. Have “shits.” Go to Target for matcha latte. Meet Ashton Kutcher/Tom Carrolll/Tom C.-type guy at Walgreens. I follow him from aisle to aisle for a while. He’s beautiful and funny. (*Relates to guy I saw at Creighton’s on March 31, I think.) Then Target. Then home.

April 3 dream:  They started playing the moving music to AOC’s/our documentary. My father, who was standing next to me, puts his hand out to touch me.

April 3 dream:  Go to dinner with Nannie (my father’s mother) and others. I catch her on the step ladder down. She’s very nicely dressed. We both mention that we ate too much. Run into Louise Denish and others who attended lecture by Lincoln.

April 2, 2021:  10 a.m. online meeting by Social Dilemma creators. Not very impressed. Get vaccine appointment for April 6!!! In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. Not excited to see me. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Then Anthony at Starbucks. He is happy to see me today. I give him card for Jun’s hair salon. #43 home. Late for Prosperos Roundtable. Only 8 in attendance.

April 2 dream:  Trying to fill the warehouse order of some big shot.

April 2 dream:  At pool next to ugly government building, guy in very brief swim suit with hairy ass. Girlfriend pulls him out of water. They are gleeful about he huge wave of water that is coming.

April 2 dream:  Moving into my new apartment. Get phone call from phone I didn’t know I had. Cathy T. picks up. Then someone else. Then I take it since it’s my house. It’s William Fennie. He says, “What are you doing?” I say, “We just got back from [some place] and we’re moving in.”

April 1, 2021:  10 a.m. VA appointment. Bills. Monthly BB. Feel bad about VA appointment. Admitting to therapist that when my mother was shot and killed in front of me, I thought, “At last. I’m going to be famous.” In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to Starbucks. Kaleb brief with me. #43 home. RHS my father on the way. Run into Tom Blair on way in.

April 1 dream:  At friend’s house. They continue same enjoyment from hier. Thane tells me, “You know, you’re in the Florida 16 group.”

April 1 dream:  “Michael,” Black woman calls my name on indoor hiking trail in an abandoned house.

March 31, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Beautiful day. Walk up Portola. Look in at Creighton’s. Cute, friendly, open, eager guy there. Then M.S. Beautiful dark-haired Asian guy stops me in my tracks. Go to Starbucks. See Asian guy again. I stop in my tracks. No response. I walk past him and then turn around and walk backwards. Still no response. Makes me mad/sad. (*Relates to haunted garden dream of March 30?) #43 home. Similar acting Asian guy on #43 gets off at my stop.

March 31 dream:  Walk by John H.’s grandmother’s house. Door is open. Wonder if he’s there. Wonder if I can just walk in. I think I did once before. (h.o.)

March 30, 2021:  Wake up early with tight chest. Take nap later. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Then Starbucks. #43 home. See shadow of hawk? See Noah at W.F. Later cute Asian guy with big, black afro. I say, “I like your hair.” He says, “Thanks.” (*Relates to distant hawk from hier?) Email to Brandee at SF Berniecrats suggesting Gloria Berry run for Congress. (*Relates to zombie dream of March 29?) “Heart attack” in p.m. relates to John reading my diary?

March 30 dream:  Getting very intimate with woman who is helping me fill out form. For example we were sitting on the floor together and her leg was placed under mine.

March 30 dream:  Go into haunted gardena and try to deconstruct the spookiness. Somebody took apart one trolley which had a lot of old pictures on it. It seemed a lot less scary.

March 29, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola to Starbucks. Anthony there. Mad at me. Not speaking to me. Distant hawk at laguna Honda Boulevard. #43 home. “John withdrawal” in p.m.

March 29 dream:  A train full of zombies or people becoming zombies. One cute guy with sunken cheeks kisses little boy on the cheek. Little boy’s mother next to them.

March 29 nap dream:  Go to new part of S.F. Meet guy as I leave resto. He puts book on counter. Says, “It’s vector science” or something like that. He leaves as I do. I turn around several times. He waves at two sets of cute twin baby boys. I am about to say to him, “I recognize you from …” And then wake up.

March 28, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola to Teresita to Foerster. Pass two women gardening on Foerster. Young woman in tight colorful pants. I thought of saying something clever about the cactuses they were planting, but couldn’t think of anything. Tried to tell myself that I was gay and that I shouldn’t bother with her. Later realized that was a lie and that a new self-confidence was emerging within me. (*Relates to hawk from hier in G.C.P, I think.) Safeway. #43 home.

March 28 dream:  In a lobby with his tall, good-looking peers, Tom C. stands out as a hero.

March 28 dream:  I agree to join a political group, trying to help people have sexual freedom and eat hard candy. Bill F. and wife there.

March 28 dream:  Sitting at table with John H.’s father and two others. I say to John H.’s father, “You’ve got great kids. Every one of them!”

March 27, 2021:  Translation workshop in a.m. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior. Follow cute guy south on Mission. Then decide to drop by 671 Madrid to see Bill H.’s house. It’s pretty nice. Then walk to Excelsior library. Finally get Misfits, Season 2. Then Lee at G.P. Then Sudoku at G.P. Then hawk at G.C.P. Then Anthony at Starbucks. Better then hier. Still feel sad on leaving him. #43 home. Beeps. YouTube video about consciousness in p.m. I scream!

March 27 dream:  Romeo and Juliet get together at end of Romeo & Juliet-type affair.

March 27 dream:  Inputting list of names. It starts to erase on its own. I type in STOP. Giants v. Dodgers game starting. Not much interest.

March 27 dream:  My Mercedes parked near gas station. I have to re-park it. Somebody says something sarcastically about how great the ’50s were.

March 26, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. to buy Chron. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks. Anthony there. I told him I mistook Timothy for him hier. He told me, “Yeah, he told me.” They were former roommates. As I left, it seemed like Anthony wanted me to say more. Felt uncomfortable. Later, I realized this probably related to last dream of March 25 of man and woman entering a rocket ship, about to take off. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30. About 11 attended. Not Tom. C. Mad at Hanz for making a big deal about being sure we pass on Translation to future generations. This is something he frequently brings up more to show off, I think, than anything else. As in, “Aren’t I clever to realize that we who knew Thane may not be around forever.”

March 26 dream:  Left a pretty big computer class without having completed the assignment. Awkward handshake with teacher as I left.

March 25, 2021:  Go to 1 p.m. dental appointment. Cute long-haired guy on K bus. He gets off at Portola. I see him later at M.S. He’s a worker there. Lots of fire engines on the way. Guy in skin-tight black shorts on Market. Sarah calls while I’m sitting in the sun waiting for my dental appointment. Charlene is my dental assistant. Meet homeless artist Brett on Market after. Then homeless guy in front of 440 bar. Then walk up Market to M.S. Nice talk with Maggie who is majoring in psychology. Timothy, Monica, and Kaleb at Starbucks. Monica’s last closing. Run into Adoré on Ocean. He just got off work and was on his way to gym. He told me of his plans to set up his own business. Insight: Me eating chocolates is like me saying, “I just want to be a normal boy.”

March 25 dream:  Visit old lady in our neighborhood. An even older lady is moaning in pain on the floor with a bloody back. Healthy, friendly dog likes me. I want to get away as soon as possible.

March 25 dream:  Somebody where I was a guest was handing out lemon meringue pie. They were thinking of giving a piece to the dog, but they didn’t give me a piece.

March 25 dream:  Young Swedish guy with tan takes off his shirt. Someone offers to give him a massage. He says, “I don’t mind a masseur, as long as he’s 84.” while looking at me. I say, “74.”

March 25 dream:  “Spent fuel.”

March 25 dream:  Profile of a man and a woman boarding mid-level on a standing rocket ship.

March 24, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Thinking about how to respond to Calvin’s email about the deanship of The Prosperos. When I forego my lawyerly response, nice strong man on Amber Drive asks me how I am. “Fine,” I say. I think he was a tulpa. Then Starbucks. Anthony there. We wave. #43 home. Two very cute guys. One in back seat eyes me. Later when he gets off, he kind of struts. Was this my TYT friend from December 13, 2020? Other guy ignores me. Then 3rd guy as I exit. I follow him to guy who walked into 1100 Ocean Avenue, who I wolf-whistled under my breath.

March 24 dream:  I get spot off bathroom rug, thus gaining points. I tell others that I get in tub. Water has mostly drained out. I’m still dressed. Others are putting their wet clothes on pipes in the ceiling.

March 24 dream:  Visit Mary L. My hair is wild and full and brown. We drive into town, me to get a haircut, she to see a friend and go to a play. I drive the car backwards to get out of lot. Slightly scrape another car. Then we (now four of us) head out into traffic.

March 24 dream:  Me and friend talking about the importance of not throwing out lust. We are on busy freeway. He drives me to outdoor church I had been to once before.

March 23, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk down Ocean. Cute young guy trips on sidewalk. Then disappears. Hawk flies to lamppost. Then disappears. (Made me mad.) On to Starbucks Portola. Tall, cute guy at Portola and Sydney Way. I follow him to Laguna Honda Boulevard. Hooded skateboarder says, “Hi.” Very cute dark-haired guy in sweatpants on #43. He avoided my glances. Then nice guy who I followed to McD parking lot. Felt a little grief on leaving him. On #43 home, came up with term “spiritual athlete” for how I felt about myself and my life.

March 23 dream:  Chris Rock-type guy under the covers with me shaving one of my legs at the direction of somebody else.

March 22, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Portola to M.S. Then Starbucks. As I leave Starbucks, M.S. worker I’d never seen before holds the door open for me. (*Relates to sudden hawk hier at GCP?) Guy waiting for #43 across the street from me. Cute guy on #43 avoiding my glance. I sit near him. He gets off at my stop. We diverge. Then come together again. Turns out he lives across Ocean Avenue from me. Guy smoking outside W.F. I say, “Is this the smoking area?” He says, “Yes.” I say, “Too bad I don’t smoke.”

March 22 dream:  Somebody gave me a note saying he owed me $40 ’cause I protected him from being kissed by someone. (h.o.)

March 22 dream:  Three healthy men getting all excited about conjugated obscure verbs and needlepoint beginning 5 months from now or now.

March 22 dream:  Test in use of semicolons. Two cute but bratty little kids who wouldn’t go home.

March 21, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. RHS (Releasing the Hidden Splendour) workshop at 3 p.m. In ’til 5ish. Walk to Portola to Starbucks. Cute Japanese guy outside Japanese resto on Ocean. Talk to my father in my mind. I say, “How would you like to be sexually accosted?” Then realized maybe that’s what he did want. To be sexual with another man. And in mid-’50s America, I was the closest thing he could allow himself. So in a way my father was telling me that this is what he wanted but he could only go so far. And maybe I’d be able to go further in my life (like every parent wants something better for their children). (*Relates to motorcycles and guy giving me a thumbs up on Mission Street hier?) Further insight: When my mother was shot dead in front of me, I thought: “At last, I’m going to become famous.” And when my father told me he was going to remarry, I thought: “At last, I can go back to being a “normal’ boy.’” In both instances my ego was exposed. With my mother’s death, it was pretty obvious. With my father remarrying, who was I kidding? I was never going to be a ‘normal’ boy. #43 home. Cute taciturn Japanese guy smiles at me. Then pretended I didn’t exist.

March 21 dream:  My 2nd mother is very involved in my school, but on the other side of the issues than me. I tell her, “Thank you very much, mother, for being involved in our school.”

March 21 dream:  I lied to my boss, told him I was 84 when I was really 87.

March 20, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. See maybe 100 motorcycles on Ocean Avenue. Think maybe it relates to John. Guy on Mission Street store gives me a thumbs up as I pass. Then G.P. Then as I enter G.C.P. hawk flies very close over my head and around me. As I think this must relate to John, too, gay guy walking the other direction smiles at me. Hear roar of motorcycles (the same group from before?) as I approach M.S. Kaleb at Starbucks. See “lingering finish.” #43 home. Bunch of too-loud young skateboarders in back of bus. They get off at Ridgewood. One of them is beautiful young black guy with long flowing mane of black hair. I’m furious I didn’t know he was one of them. I would certainly have sat amongst them if I knew. Hope and assume I’ll run into him again sometime. In p.m. Translate “Consumption of some foods can cause pain.” Conclusion: Truth translates everything into energy, resulting in endless pleasure.

March 20 dream:  Trying to sign up for gym. Not any vacancies and gyms that are open make too many demands.

March 20 dream:  Taking class with lots of people. Tom C. there. He asks out pretty young law student from Hayward. They go off in car with many other young kids. Then she gets out. As I’m walking out, someone makes a comment that I’m very feminine looking. I have my jacket loosely hanging over my shoulder. Later drive S.F. street I’d never seen before from this direction.

March 19, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola and the over the hill to Safeway. Young man with his mother. I desired him perhaps more than I should have. So I walked on. Later ran across him again. He looked at me excitedly. I looked at him excitedly. He had on a T-shirt saying “University of Area 51”). Other guy there, too. Really long lines. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. not there. I came in late. Conversation veered off to discussing straight guy who liked to wear his girlfriend’s underwear. I said, “It’s just the literal enactment of ‘getting into somebody’s pants.’” Apparently that offended one person. I felt good about it.

March 19 dream:  Guy runs after me on the street and catches up with me and threatens me with his belt. He is joined by two other guys. They can’t figure out what’s going to get me off.

March 19 dream:  Not speaking to one guy. Then another. Can’t remember why.

March 18, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola to Starbucks. Kaleb there talking about Starbucks stars. #43 home. DSA podcast on the Paris commune at 6:30 p.m. Taylor moderates. He’s cute and sweet and apparently married. Lots of self-important talk.

March 18 dream:  Backyard and back of Saratoga house is falling apart. White manager is no longer listening to black manager.

March 18 dream:  “The Sale of 57 Schools”(?) by Patricia Gruber(?). Thane recommends it as we work from center. I put rug on floor and circular mirror so people won’t fall thru to the basement. Thane says to me, “I feel sorry for a public person like you. You’ve got a lot of uncovering to do.”

March 18 dream:  Woman gets hit by car on hilly street of S.F. She doesn’t want any help. I go to fancy resto where you pay different prices to sit in different areas. I walk out. Guy towing cart talking about his grandmother’s “pussy.”

March 17, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola to Starbucks. Kaleb tells me (again) that he lives near Minnie and Lovie Park which is just over the hill from where I live. #43 home. Guy at Ocean and Lee who didn’t want to play with me. Listen to Richard Tarnas and Adam Curtis on YouTube in p.m.

March 17 dream:  I give woman instructions on last shipment, rolled into piece of chocolate. Then we kissed in front of one of her co-workers.

March 17 dream:  Older English woman who we were vacationing with told us she had gotten shot in the back of her leg. I asked if it was accidental. She didn’t respond. We were eating French fries and biscuits.

March 17 dream:  July 15, 1999.

March 17 dream:  Thane going off about something a few doors down. It lasted for quite a while.

March 17 dream:  Tom O. on ledge of building talking about how Hillary wasn’t that important a member of the family. He was inviting someone to join him. He kept walking out and it turned out there was a clear plastic walkway across the whole street.

March 16, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk thru CCSF to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Talked with Lee. Told him I was interested in the J&J vaccine. He said that it’s only 60% effective. I said I’d take my chances. Then see ’59 red Mustang (just like the car I saw in a light reverie as I was awakening this a.m.) I googled ’59 red Mustang and it was the same one I saw. (J. was born in ’59.) Then G.C.P. Trip on way out. As I arrive on Portola Drive, see beautiful strong man with baby on his stomach. I pass in front of him and notice cute little sun glasses baby had on. I said, “I like the sunglasses.” He said, “And they’re polarized.” They crossed to the other side of the street and I looked back and saw them walking in the same direction as me. Then looked back again and they were gone. Starbucks. #43 home. Skateboarder trying to avoid my glance.

March 16 dream:  Tell group I was talking to that I helped Tom C. out financially (by lending him $40).

March 15, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk Ocean to Portola. Joan at Walgreens tells me she thinks we’ll never get back to normal. Walk up Portola to M.S. Check out with my friend who just cut his own hair with Wahl clippers. Anthony at Starbucks. We wave hello and later goodbye. #43 home.

March 15 nap dream:  Take public bus somewhere. It stops half-way. Have to take private bus. Nancy O. has no money so I buy her ticket. Now she owes me $5. Woman taking my money was an Aquarian into astrology.

March 15 dream:  Hang out with some beatniks in N.Y. They want me to follow strict procedures.

March 15 dream:  Have whole table full of addresses we need to input and mail to. I feel overwhelmed. But I tell my female supervisor that 3 or 4 of us are in today and that we should be able to make some progress and that if other jobs come up we’ll do them as they arrive. Also, an open box full of unwrapped chocolate candy bars.

March 14, 2021:  Sleep ’til noon (Daylight Savings Time). Insight: Realize that I’ve encountered all three of John’s  brothers (Rick, Bob and Bill) in the past. Rick in ’95 or ’96 when I (and I guess he) was volunteering at Galileo High School. I looked at him. He walked away flirtatiously. Bob, one day when I was visiting John at his Real Food store on 24th Street. He looked very much like John and came on to me like John as well. And finally Bill, who I saw one day sitting on a building ledge over Castro Street during a Castro Street Fair. He just looked at me. In ’til 4ish. (*This realization relates to first hawk/owl from hier, I think.) Walk down Ocean and up Portola. Kaleb at Starbucks. He says, “I like your haircut.” (*Relates to 2nd hawk from hier?) #43 home.

March 14 dream:  Take elevator down to 1st floor to hear presidential debate. Woman there says, “You’ll be the only boy.” Then she ask why I’m interested. I asked her if she was going. She said, “Of course.”

March 14 dream:  Me being attracted to two women in tight dresses.

March 13, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. 7 attended. We Translated “Healthcare workers are overwhelmed.” My conclusion: “Nothing can overpower Truth.” Anonymous call at noonish. (*Relates to hawks from hier?) Online work. Nap. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Hawk (or owl?) on Ocean Avenue. Then see card on sidewalk which says, “We were meant to be.” And more. Then Excelsior. Librarian was reading about Dante. Then another hawk on Monterey Boulevard. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. See coyote. Then Janet, the “Coyote Lady.” Then Starbucks. #43 home. Insight: Touching from September 28 was possibly John’s mother Lucille comforting me for the behavior of her son(s).

March 13 dream:  Fill out application for speaker to speak in S.F.

March 13 dream:  In Sacramento on very relaxed train. Leave the train to go in town. Forget my two bags of luggage which contained my I.D. Go back. Trains are suddenly crowded and hot. Can’t find my I.D.

March 12, 2021:  Up early. Online work. Take nap. 2 p.m. haircut with Jun. Hawk or two at CCSF parking lot on the way. Jun and I talk about being gay, which he says he’s not. Safeway. Cute guy there. I talk with him briefly. #43 home. Out again. Follow cute guy across the street. Go to burrito place. Throw it away ’cause worker didn’t use plastic gloves. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 Tom C. there seemed very sad. Later saw him smiling at his wife which made me sad. After midnight, hear and see person being carried out of their apartment on a stretcher accompanied by 8 or so medics. (*Hope this relates–metaphorically–to John.)

March 12 dream:  My mother’s death is being looked into (h.o.)

March 12 dream:  Quickly read thru book given in class.

March 11, 2021:  Slept ’til 11:30 a.m. Still recovering from yesterday’s “Surprise.” Sarah calls. Mary L. calls. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. and up Ullloa to Starbucks Portola. Tesia there. #43 home. 5:30 meeting re Chesa Boudin. Shits in p.m.

March 10, 2021:  Insight: Realized NROTC dream of February 14 may relate to me thinking about moving back to Polk Street area to recap the excitement of first moving to S.F. John or one of his brothers called in a.m. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Did some internet research on John. Found out his apartment number, which I never knew. They also listed three phone numbers, all of which I called. Not sure any of them were good. Walk up Portola to M.S. See “Surprise.” Then Starbucks. #43 home. More research on John. Found out his mother died in 2019. Also that he has a long-time partner named KK Downey. Not sure if that’s a real person or not. (*Relates to “Surprise” from earlier today?) Maybe I’m KK Downey.

March 10 dream:  It’s lunch beak in class. Someone going to Hawaii to swim. I want to go someplace to eat.

March 9, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Decide to walk up Monterey to use Safeway restroom. Two little neurotic, unleashed, barking dogs on the way. Safeway restroom closed. Catch #43 right away home. Take shit. Then walk to Walgreens (for Chron) and Target (for matcha) and home. Follow cute guy in and out of W.F. Then McDs. Then home. Big rain about 12:45 a.m. Sounded like the sky was falling.

March 9 dream:  I’m sitting with Thane and another person between us. I’m reading from some book of Thane’s I’d never read before. He’s talking about Lee, who he said brought a lot of negativity and yet a lot of positivity. I said, “I’d never heard you talk about him before. “ he said, “Did you know you could get [either] cirrhosis or pregnant medically?”

March 9 dream:  Attend Prosperos assembly-type event over the weekend. Visit other Prospero student after. One woman gets all teary on leaving. I think she’s in love with me. She says, “I love you, Mark,” referring to the guy standing behind me. There was a wavy waterway just outside. And in the distance some kind of smoking explosion.

March 9 dream:  I help clean up outdoor school area.

March 9 dream:  Having fun online wish the Sunday Nite Translation group.

March 8, 2021:  Online work. Take nap. In ’til 4ish. As I walk out masked skateboarder (Jesse?) waves hello as he entered W.F. Walk up Portola to Starbucks. Anthony there. He’s cut all his hair off. As I leave he says, “Bye.” I say, “Bye” and involuntarily twerk my butt. (*Relates to hawk from hier. Also March 6 dream of very gay guy, I think.) #43 home. Vegetable guy and beautiful woman who checks me out at W.F. Home.

March 8 dream:  Three guys at my apartment finally leave. Then hang out outside. Then finally come back in. I want them to leave but then I start feeling up the cutest one and he me. And we have sex in front of several others. (h.o.)

March 8 dream:  Went to the Castro at night. Avoiding place where people expected me to go. Heard of after-hours club just opening up called the Blue Angel. It was mostly young lesbians. Turns out I sat across from one of the only guys there. He looked like a very young Ricky Nelson with a stubble beard. He said intensely something about “Johnson.” I said somebody mentioned that to me earlier in the day. Minister there is giving awards to those who did well in their group. I was interested in what he was doing so began reading about it.

March 7, 2021:  Watch sexual abuse survival video. Insight: Refusing sex with beautiful men a form of self-abuse? In ’til 4ish. Walk up Portola. Translation conclusion: Truth is infinite appropriate energy. See hawk over Portola. M.S. Starbucks. Go to #43 Muni stop. No phone. So I retrace all my steps. Go to M.S. Starbucks, 7-11 and walk all the way home, Translating along the way. Half way home realize I may have left phone at home, which turned out to be the case.

March 7 dream:  Sean Connery at EDD. He shows me old raggedy signs that say we need to re-register every summer. I say, “I’m not going to do that unless they ask me personally.”

March 7 dream:  A healing service or memorial on October 11 and 12. Two women and I began it with a fun song talking about the devil and sin.

March 7 dream:  “a felt earthquake.”

March 6, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Check out Real Life from the guy who recommended it to me. On to G.P. Talk with Lee. Then G.C.P. Little boy comes running up to me to say hello. Come up with insight about wealth: “Real wealth is not how much you’ve accumulated. It’s how much you’ve let go.” Starbucks. #43 home.

March 6 dream:  At Prosperos center, words on back of matchbook says, “If we don’t have your number, call us. Call me.” Then street sign comes up to my desk and falls over and says, “Call this number.”

March 6 dream:  Guy has us tearing up boxes with with our hands. I say, “That’s not too bad. You had us killing people earlier.”

March 6 dream:  Very gay guy wins contest I didn’t know we were still having. I was just behind him though. Everyone remarks how gracious he and others were. I drive off thinking, “I’ve got to get back to my regular life.”

March 5, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Beautiful black woman security guard at Walgreens. I turn around and she’s a he. Walk up Portola. Sergio at Starbucks doesn’t even look at me. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. 11 attended. My solution to the right-wing: “Outlive the bastards.”

March 5 dream:  Edith gets thrown in the pool. Then remembers where she was.

March 5 dream:  Woman’s cake should have been set aside before it was counted.

March 5 dream:  Hanging out with magnetic but unattractive British guy. I’m British, too.

March 5, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m.

March 4, 2021:  Online work. Excellent jerk-off session. In ’til 4ish. Walk up Portola to Teresita to Safeway. See Alan there. Anonymous call in p.m. (*Relates to shits from hier?)

March 4 dream:  Trying to retrieve damaged sheets to submit to somebody.

March 4 dream:  Lots of soldiers (including me) crawling along railway track so as not to be seen by the oncoming train.

March 4 dream:  In N.Y. with new friend on trolley. They were talking about person they knew. I asked it they knew Chris [Hinrichs].

March 4 dream:  Strange, naked man with vagina asks if he can hang out with couple at their home.

March 3, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Take shits at M.S. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Stop midway to take photo of rain over the ocean. Then I’m late for 5 p.m. Wolf-PAC meeting. Only 7 of us there. Then 6:30 p.m. Berniecrats meeting which lasted almost 3 hours. They didn’t bring up the creation of a recruiting committee as I proposed and was approved at our last meeting. So I brought that up. And it was agreed to discuss this at our next meeting. Brandon very supportive.

March 3 dream:  Start at new office. Can’t find plant I was going to dust and water. Get in conversation with 2 or 3 guys. One talking about how he wanted to be like some character I’d never heard of. Then another saying, “These underground conversations are dead important, man.” I said, “I know.” At the beginning of the conversation, I didn’t hear them. Later I did.

March 3 dream:  Look at big N.Y. apartment for fun. Many rooms. Old woman staying on in one of them. Guy says we could pay $100,000 down and pay the remaining amount in a loan. We (my friend and I) could almost do it.

March 3 dream:  Get in big “silent fight” with Ana Kasparian while she’s talking with Cenk.

March 2, 2021:  Online work. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Go to M.S. Then Starbucks. Realized I’d forgotten something. Then remembered I forgot soy milk. Get very upset with myself. Then told myself to shut up. (*Relates to fight dream last dream of February 28?) Don Bechler Zoom memorial at 5 p.m. Upstairs apartment moves out?

March 2 dream:  Trying to put cream cheese on a knife. Guy who mistrusted me goes outside to fight somebody.

March 2 dream:  Alternating gold and pearl necklace.

March 1, 2021:  Do “Don’t Kill It Bernie” video for TYT. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean. Cute little boy blocks my passage. Walgreens closed. Walk up Portola. Starbucks. #43 home. Beautiful Latino man in W.F. I follow him a bit and finally we exchange glances.

March 1 dream:  Go thru the same sky there. Some do not survive. I do. Woman in little wagon says she’s the taxi come to pick another woman up.

March 1 dream:  Man offers himself to woman.

March 1 dream:  Flying around the room to show off for some people.

February 28, 2021:  Work online. Catch up 2 or 3 days on my diary. Feel very good about what I’ve written. Like I’ve come to the conclusion of my book. In ’til 3ish. Buy Chron at Walgreens. Joan tells me she’s skeptical of taking any vaccine. I agree. Walk up Portola to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” Then Starbucks. Then #43 arrives just as I arrive at stop. I hurriedly finish my latte and put on my mask. As I enter bus, I lock eyes with beautiful black guy who’s seated across aisle from slightly overweight white woman. They get off in two more stops. Guy gives me 2nd glance as he exists bus. (*Relates to “Scarborough warning” from February 26?)

February 28 dream:  General trying to … his son off to Ms. Titmouse. i’m trying to make my way thru. (h.o.)

February 28 dream:  Kids running in excitedly to do something. I am there as well for some reason.

February 28 dream:  Visit Pat Lambert and her husband and two other people I know at new apartment complex just south of S.F. I went to see if there are any vacancies there.

February 28 dream:  Bully gives me bag of stuff and says to go for more. I say, “I’m leaving ’cause if I don’t, I’m going to kill you.” He leads me away from woman so we can fight.

February 27, 2021:  Translation group. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Five guys practicing martial arts on CCSF campus. Nice guy at library reading book about gay, black guy studying with all white men at Midwest university (Real Life). Then on to G.P. Beautiful Harley-Davidson and its owner on Cotter Street. Then two young black guys at G.P. liquor store. One not wanting to pay for bag of chips he tore. Lee and his mother there. G.C.P. Two women at Starbucks seemed to be talking about me behind my back. Then get burrito from Latina who also seemed impenetrable. Insight: Just ’cause you’ve been sexually bused as a child doesn’t necessarily mean you will abuse others. But the thought and desire to do so may have been planted. For me, the realization of the source of this desire completely eradicates any trace of it that may have existed. As Hemingway said, “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.”

February 27 nap dream:  Guys asking me about tract of land in S.F. I said I remember reading about it in the Chronicle a few days ago. One guy older. One guy younger. Younger guy has bubble butt. We all get on Muni which went up steep hill on conveyor belt. I wondered if we would make it to the top.

February 27 dream:  I told Tom O. I wanted to buy a car. He said for that particular model they send somebody over from Holland to drive it. We were in a locker room at the time.

February 27 dream:  I’m working in busy law office, supervising two other workers, one a temp.

February 26, 2021:  Get anonymous call. (Relates to guy pissing on house hier?) See “Scarborough warning.” Finish taxes. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola. Hawk in alley. Starbucks. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. 14 people attended. Insight: My fear at Unitarian Church experience with John in January 1987 related not to my fear of my father but my fear of society if they knew what I had done with him.

February 26 dream:  Returning to school in downtown S.F. Follow Maggie Cox but lose her. Take shit in open-air toilet. Administrator comes up to me and asks me to do something while I’m in the middle of shitting.

February 26 dream:  Young man wants me to help him with his Indian friend staying in Finland and comes out in the gay world. He lists himself as o/o among other things. Nice woman joins our table.

February 25, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola. Then Teresita to Safeway. Old guy pissing on front of house off Portola. Get anonymous call. Check out at Safeway. Then notice Nur at another checkout station. So I go back and buy something else just to be able to talk with him. Woman in front of me in line says, “Do you want to hear a joke?” I say, “Sure.” She says, “A man and a woman go to a retreat and there is only one vacant room left. So they agree to share it. The man is on the top bunk and the woman on the bottom. During the night the man asks the woman if she could get him another blanket? She says ‘It’s only one night. Do you want to pretend we are married?’ He excitedly says, ‘Sure.’ Then she says, ‘Great. Go get the blanket yourself.’” #43 home. Same Asian guy as hier. He’s still ignoring me. Me RHSing my father: “’As for you, you meant this for evil, but God [Consciousness] meant this for good.’ I knew you weren’t a real father. So I went out and found one. I found Thane.”

February 25 dream:  Try to share my Japanese … with friends who don’t appreciate it.

February 25 dream:  N.Y. crowd. Guy says, “I’m not myself unless I dominate the room.” I’m sitting in stairwell with others. He looks in and says, “Cover up whoever is most insecure.” My arm was covering over somebody else. Then he said hello to somebody I didn’t know was in the stairwell with me. I say, “I hate when that happens.”

February 25 dream:  Ride up to North Bay. See several old high school friends, mostly Ashley Card, who seemed really happy to see me. She showed me all her plants, especially the millennials.

February 25 dream:  Dream of tripping and falling. [Actually pull my back out.]

February 24, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Insight: My hated of women (in the abstract) relates to the privilege status they had in my family. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Anthony there. We smiled at each other. #43 home. Cute Asian guy on bus got off at the same stop as I did. Further insight: Every time I refused the invitation of some good-looking man, I was refusing my father within me. I was saying to him, “You’re not going to hurt him like you hurt me!”

February 24 dream:  A percentage of voters would still vote for Bernie Sanders. (h.o.)

February 24 dream:  Carol Carter trying to fly away from group. Or someone else trying to fly away from Carol and the group.

February 24 dream:  Votes are still being tallied up in Florida and other places. I am one of the talliers. I tell fellow tallier, “I am not a masochist.”

February 23, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Young woman in passing car yells at me in excitement. Makes me feel good. Go to library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Then M.S. Check out with”Sir Allen.” Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Cute young blond guy in muscle T-shirt on my way in. Sexual Incest Survivors phone group from 6 to 8 p.m. Made me mad at my father; “You can’t just take what you want. I’ll never be like you!” This pledge probably relates to me turning down the many sexual opportunities I’ve had with beautiful men in my life.

February 23 dream:  Check into beach hotel in building I used to live in. I didn’t go into a room but put my stuff down and got on a bed-shaped chair near an entryway. Started masturbating. Heard some people. Stopped.

February 23 dream:  I or someone is taking dictation from the Soviet government. Suddenly I am asked to stop. And being kicked out.

February 23 dream:  At Jewish newspaper, we’re toying with the headline: “Is It Over?”

February 23 dream:  “Manflood!”

February 23 dream:  I’m the de facto guy in charge of setting up the next event.

February 22, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to M.S. Portola using slightly different route. On San Pablo Avenue, think about moving to Chicago. Guy driving by smiles at me. Anthony at Starbucks. He’s dyed his hair red. I talked with him about his class on “The ’60s.” #43 home. See my hall painter friend on the way in. Insight: I may not have stood up to my father, but I did stand up to Thane. That counts for something. Watched Going Clear in p.m. Realized my cult was not The Prosperos, but my family.

February 22 dream:  Having dinner date with woman. I get out of the shower. Still an hour left on the date. We are near a swimming pool. A few others are with us.

February 22 dream:  Sit next to Bob d’Arcy on train. He had tried to get another seat but missed.

February 22 dream:  Riding on wild ride on bus. Bus stops. In Coos, I say, “Are we going to walk the rest of the way?” Write conclusion or forward to book.

February 22 dream:  Work at cab dispatch company. There are three of us phone operators. The phones go out. I go and buy some strawberry ice cream. It’s near the beach.

February 21, 2021:  Working online. Looking for YouTube I could listen to while I worked. Up popped a video about men surviving sexual abuse. Listened to video after video. Finally ran into video featuring somebody I used to work with and even went out to dinner with once. Will attend online group on Tuesday night. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean. Beautiful unmasked young man smiles slyly at me. Walk to M.S. Talk with Daniel, the vegetable guy, about Easter and other things. Checked out with “Sir Allen.” #43 home. Insight: Looking in the mirror. Not looking good. Asked myself, “Who am I trying to look good for?” Realized it was my father.

February 21 dream:  My co-worker wants to go on all day nude event. I’m not so sure.

February 21 dream:  Prosperos assembly is roaring success. Big room. Maybe 250 people. I sit next to Amy Cuff and Stephanie Bowden. Also dark-skinned guy I used to work with and liked a lot. Later on in an open-air train, we look at holographic image of woman who is afraid her money will be taken from her.

February 21 dream:  Tom O. calls me from other end of park. Wants his “smelling salts.” I comply.

February 20, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Later I jerk off. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Talk with Lee. He says he’s been writing about the S.F. Opera performing at Ft. Mason. On to G.C.P. Francesca at Starbucks Portola. Then Asian guy entering Pakwan resto as I get home. Insight: Reason I get off on cute men being humiliated (as I did earlier today when I jerked off) is because I’m re-enacting what my father did to me. He used his power over me to get off. I get off when those with power over me (beautiful men) are humiliated or brought down. That’s probably why I’ve had so much difficulty accepting sexual invitations from beautiful men. I didn’t want that self in me to emerge. This is what Billye Talmadge was talking about so many years ago when she told me that I never took into consideration my own feelings about any particular situation. (*See dream of me embracing Billye from February 19.) And also Thane’s remarks that whatever gives you a delicious sense of excitement followed by a terrible sense of shame is something which will need to be worked on a lot.

February 20 dream:  Woman saying to us, “Did anyone die last time?” I say, “Yeah, I died a couple of times.” (h.o.)

February 20 dream:  We’re sitting at a couple of tables. All kinds of men try to kiss Tom C. He tells them to knock it off.

February 20 dream:  Putting my clean clothes in the dryer.

February 19, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Pick up new Bernie mug Sarah left me. Walk up Portola to M.S. Then Starbucks. Talk with Kaleb. Sergio kind of stand-offish. #43 home. See hall painter in the lobby. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Rick Thomas not there. Tom C. not there. Pam makes me co-host.

February 19 dream:  For some reason John and a friend of his had to spend the night at my place. We slept in the same small bed. Unfortunately his friend slept between us. Neither had pants on. I stuck my hand out so John had to rest his ass on it. His ass felt wonderful. Later I ran into Billye Talmadge who looked great. She was wearing a blue and white knit suit and was on her way to a fundraiser. She said I looked giddy. I hugged her. Then Sadah Loomis came up behind her.

February 18, 2021: Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola to Starbucks. Talk with Kaleb. The meet Sergio, beautiful black-haired new guy. He says, “I’ll see you around.” #43 home.

February 18 dream:  Walking with my new female boss to work. Tell her I have a noon medical appointment. Rushing to get up to doctor’s appointment. Stairs too crowded. It’s 12:07 p.m. Eating sugar-coated Danish and feeling guilty about it.

February 17, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola and down Teresita to Safeway. Realized me saying I wanted to get away from you-know-who in yesterday’s diary may have been a big deal. I never stood up to my father. But maybe I did stand up to my father substitute. To let him know that it is not automatic that I will still love him or even want him. Deli guy at Safeway really happy to see me. Catherine at checkout. I liked her, too.

February 17 dream:  Juan charging $5 per avocado. I put his in the bowl. Another person working against me. (h.o.)

February 17 dream:  Went with four other guys from the East Bay. One who was on the swim team and had written a book. Teacher there as well. He takes off. Susan Sarandon and Carol Carter say, “It’s been too long.’

February 17 dream:  Helping move guy out from the 7th floor of old building to new place. Almost totally moved out. Old building has lots of smoke and a big kitchen in the middle.

February 16, 2021:  Anonymous call at 2ish. I say, “Come on.” Shits just before leaving at 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Kind of get off on guy I stand in line behind. Walk to G.P. Then G.C.P. Realize “Russian River” sign from February 11 probably meant that I was looking in Half Moon Bay for the same thing I was looking for in the Russian River, namely, to get away from you-know-who. Monica at Starbucks. I say, “Are you from Santa Monica, Monica?” She opened up quite a bit.

February 16 dream:  I’m really terrible on a 4-question quiz. Tom C there disguised as an old Jewish woman named Vera.

February 15, 2021:  Clint L. calls in early p.m. In ’til 4ish. Walk up Portola to M.S. Then Starbucks. Talk with Kaleb. Get “Perfect.” Then Anthony. I accidentally spill some of my latte. He says, “You’re okay.” Since my hands are full, I wave at him with my index finger. #43 home. Guy on Lee as I approached my back door. (*Relates to “Perfect” from earlier?) Translate “Democracy is fragile” in p.m.

February 15 dream:  We are not approved by PG&E. We visit wolf who was approved. He said a more wild wolf may visit us.

February 15 dream:  Some people and animals follow us out of the forest. They should be safe, we are told.

February 15 dream:  At busy law office, Barry Bram there. They want me to clear off a table so they can work. Barry sits next to me. Something about him and his secretary.

February 14, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola. Starbucks. #43 home. Guy on bus with new shoes. As I left, I said, “I like your shoes.” He said, “Thank you, man.” Listen to Michael Parenti in p.m.

February 14 dream:  Getting ready for family reunion. (h.o.)

February 14 dream:  Was going to register to go back to NROTC and finish college and do four years in the Navy as I had been scheduled to do. But as I walked to register, judge in adjoining office shakes his head “No.” So I get on train or tried to. End up riding solo on big empty cart which I was trying to figure out how to stop.

February 13, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Feeling “shitty” just before I leave home. Two or three shits. Walk to Excelsior library. Guy there smiled at me with his eyes even though he was masked. I told him so. He knew. Walk to G.P. Realize I don’t have change to buy Chron. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. Fiona there. I joke with her. She doesn’t respond. Starbucks. #43 home. Loud, aggressive, mostly black, young skateboarders in back of bus. I sit near them. Felt bad afterwards. But still loved them. Later realized how to confront the Berniecrats pronoun problem. I think my pronouns will be: he/she, him/her and his/hers. Catch up on newspapers. Memory: Harriet being upset with me when she found out through her friend at work that I had won the music award. She was upset ’cause I didn’t tell her and embarrassed that she didn’t know when her friend told her.

February 13 dream:  Get lost on road back from L.A. Have to get help nailing my steering apparatus on.

February 13 dream:  Finishing a job down at the beach. Go to young woman who I was working with. She walks with me back to the beach. The tide has come in so I can’t finish my work. She says I have to be able to finish by tomorrow a.m. There are several fins protruding from the water. I say (or she does), “Sharks.” Then she jumps on the back of one. Looks like it was too big to be a shark. And it seemed frightened and took off in a hurry. Any I didn’t see girl though.

February 13 dream:  San Luis Obispo has the best athletic team.

February 12, 2021:  Listening to “Trauma” series online. Woman said that if you dissociate because of trauma you will have no memory of it ’cause you literally weren’t there. That explains why I have no specific memory of my sexual abuse by my father. Then the VA called and wanted to know what they could do to help me alleviate stress. I told Sharon, the lady from the VA, that I’d like to get some help to dis-dissociate this memory. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola to Starbucks. Anthony there. He says, “How are you?” I say, “Fine. I had a major psychological breakthrough today.” He seemed interested. I said, “I’ll tell you about it later sometime.” He smiled. Made my day for a 2nd time. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. not there.

February 12 dream:  Guy asks us to wait while he goes into the other room. Life-size man or paper-mache man with blue suit and golden hair floats into the ornate room next to us. I/we follow him in. (h.o.)

February 12 dream:  We shouldn’t allow women to ware vagina clinging clothes when we get to the Middle East.

February 12 dream:  Just got back from trip to N.Y. Talking with two people in Hollywood about photographer. I say, “I like the idea of being pursued.” Then I say, “Oh, that came out more sexual than I intended.”

February 12 dream:  Working for Scott Wiener in a law office. Don’t have anything to do yet. Woman lawyer says, “Do you want a card?” I say, “Okay.” She hands me her purse. Then says, “I’m having a baby.”

February 12 dream:  Guy stuck up against wall after fall. I think he’s dead, but I pull him down and he’s alive. Later I rescue Nancy O. Jeff B. there.

February 12 dream:  Cookie monster who preys on kids.

February 12 dream:  The Senate gets rid of the filibuster.

February 11, 2021:  Go to rental car place downtown at 10 a.m. See John from “Under One Roof” on bus on the way. Cute guy at rental agency. He gives me two thumbs up when we finish our business. Then Alex at auto garage. Drive down to Half Moon Bay. Completely miss it the first time. Drive 14 miles south before I turn around. Go to gas station to get directions to Main Street. Cute, flustered young guy there whenever I asked him anything. Look at senior complex. Nice lobby. Place way too “senior” for me. Decide against it. Get “Perfect” on drive home. Also see “Russian River.” Think at first this is the Universe is saying to look there. Then realize that it is probably the Universe saying my search at Half Moon Bay is just like my prior searches at the Russian River. Drop off car. On way home, walk by J’s house on Geary and J’s bar and store on Castro. See J’s old boss on 19th Street. Walk up Market to Starbucks Portola. Guy on upper Market says “Hi” to me. See homeless guy I usually give $1 to. I don’t have change, so give him $5 (after banging my hand with my umbrella). My mask falls apart. I tie it back. #43 home. Obnoxious girl on bus. Insight: Remember being mad at my mother shortly before we moved back into our Menlo Park home from Japan. I was thinking (but didn’t say), “You’re not my mother” even though she obviously was. What I was thinking is that, “God is my parent. You’re not!”

February 11 dream:  Guy who’s supposed to save the world being pretty much a jerk.

February 11 dream:  Mel Gibson shirtless, tearing down toy castle.

February 11 dream:  Trying to set up an outdoor sound system. Couldn’t figure out how to do it, though it had been done before.

February 10, 2021:  Marlin from Half Moon Bay calls. Says I’m pretty much a shoo-in for one bedroom place. Lots of shits before I take off about 4ish. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to CVS. See Pat briefly. Then Starbucks Portola. Anthony says, “Do you mind if I pass this [drink] on?” I say, “No. Go ahead.”

February 10 dream:  My girl friend doesn’t want me to be violent with my new martial arts ability. I say, “It is not violent. I’ve even seen you use it.”

February 9, 2021:  Call from “Private Number” in a.m. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. See young man on bike behind parklet. Wait for him to reappear. He never does. Tulpa? Walk thru G.C.P. Black guy at top. M.S. Eye contact with Asian cashier. Starbucks. #43 home. Bus runs over something on Gennessee and stops. Fire engine stops by. Hear “No guts, no glory” in p.m. Lots of strange phone calls throughout the day.

February 9 dream:  Trying to run away from a comedian and his harasser. I can barely move. Guy in patio tells his father mockingly but honestly that he’s [the guy’s] the sheriff. So is his young brother.

February 9 dream:  WWII Paris: The Nazis are still winning. We know they’re going to lose but we don’t know how or when.

February 9 dream:  “47th man.”

February 9, 2021:  Call from “Private Number” in a.m. (*Relates to crows and hawk from hier, I think.)

February 8, 2021:  VA phone appointment in a.m. Then two anonymous calls. (*Relates to shits and distant hawk from hier, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and Up Portola. Crows chasing away one or two hawks. CVS. Starbucks. #43 home. In p.m. angry at my VA primary care provider for overstepping his bounds. (*Relates to February 7 dream about 1962 civil rights march?)

February 8 dream:  Tom C. and I and funny guy and serious girl all in bed together. Girl wants to talk. Tom and I and funny guy want to play game.

February 8 dream:  Paint thinner fight song.

February 8 dream:  Try to reach ceiling of very high-ceilinged room so I can brush it with a broom.

February 8 dream:  Many of us coming into the country. Women have a “cheerleader” exemption. Men don’t have a comparable exemption. We are discussing this in a coffee shop near Church Street. It’s not a problem for me ’cause I already have an apartment (though empty) in the Castro.

February 8 dream:  Guy about to tell us something at coffee shop counter.

February 7, 2021:  Insight: Paid attention to my inner child feeling shame about being a sex object, instead of suppressing the feelings as I usually do. (*Relates to 4th dream of February 6 about relabeling and refiling, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola. Fell “shittier” and “shittier.” Hope I make it to M.S. restroom. I make it. Guy is sitting on the can. I wait for him to finish. He smiles at me. Then Starbucks. Talk with Kaleb about his curly hair. Distant hawk. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Meet Nur, really nice and beautiful and young cashier there, who goes to Whittier College. Also, hot young mixed race guy with T-shirt and low-riding pants. As I’m leaving Nur, I run into second guy on my way out. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Later drop by W.F. A sullen Isaiah there.

February 7 nap dream:  Smoke from the kitchen.

February 7 dream:  In hotel conference room with lots of gay men, mostly older. Guy I start to sit next to asks me if I fancy someone else. Then we hear noise from down below. People are gathering for the first civil rights march. It’s 1962.

February 7 dream:  After voting on what kind of music building we wanted, I was kind of stopped in my tracks. Then I saw cute little blue-eye baby wrapped in towels. I caressed it, but not too much as I had no arms or legs and did not yet seem fully formed.

February 6, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. On Portola, hear noise. Look back. See hawk land in tree. Margaret at M.S. Starbucks. #43 home. Return Sarah’s call. Give Jonathan my love.

February 6 dream:  Me and others eating cooked animal ball sacs.

February 6 dream:  Start work at new place. Barry Bram there. I find out hie’s an editor at the SF Chronicle and a few other things. Then start working for other guy. I work from7 a.m. to 1 p.m. When I ask for lunch from 1-2, he gets upset.

February 6 dream:  Jeannie Maher wants to help me with my book. Mentions the word “epitome.”

February 6 dream:  Refiling and relabeling all the files at work.

February 6 dream:  Cute guy driving me up S.F. hill. Lots of new construction going on.

February 6 dream:  Hanz offers me a seat so we can learn something about Substack.

February 5, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Feel shits coming on. Walk home. Shits. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Hanz there.

February 5 dream:  At my boyfriend’s house. He’s showing a movie he made on his laptop. Some marijuana had gone missing. I stopped him at various points to ask why he included this or that element to his movie. We were sitting around the kitchen table with his family. I decided to take a rest and woke up.

February 5 dream:  My friend wanted me to return to my family home at 14080 (my last childhood address). I said, “I can’t. It’s not mine.” He followed me to parking lot. Lots of fellow kids. Truck goes by. “When can we make the patch match?”

February 5 dream:  Older man sits down at table with younger man. Older man’s hair is shorter. He’s wearing intentionally torn sweat pants. Says he’s interest in “her story.”

February 5 dream:  Three kids drop by. They find food I’ve prepared in the kitchen. I say to my partner, “How much should we charge them?” He says, “Let them have it for free.” He’s right I feel bad for being so ungenerous. On bus ride to L.A. Guy shouting at woman outside my window. Bus drives down narrow beautiful alley. Several drunk Latino guys falling down I joke, “Here we are at 18th & Castro.”

February 5 dream:  Guys playing baseball on the beach. I walk by. Get sucked out to sea and thrown back. Walk thru big temporary housing. Barry Bram there. Woman says to him, “Are you a man of mystery?”

February 4, 2021:  Got up late. Called VA re: rash. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Two cops pushing car up Ocean Avenue. Beautiful strawberry blond guy in white T-shirt at US Bank on Mission Street. Talk with Lee at G.P. Then G.C.P. Then Starbucks Portola. Talk with Kaleb. #43 home. Insight: Rash began after Trump left office on January 20.

February 4 dream:  People from Collier’s taking submissions for column in garage-type area.

February 4 dream:  Me and two other guys trying to get something to eat before we go. I get two forks. My teammate’s friend is sick with AIDS-like symptom.

February 4 dream:  Building in S.F. falls down due to causes stemming from World War II. We have to run to get out of the way. I’m sitting with Bill Floyd and his sister. Bill runs his lips over mine several times. Then his sister asks if I want a coffee. I say, “Sure. I’ll come with you.” She says, “That means neither of us leaves the building.” Earlier: Bill looking over movie listings at the mall.

February 4 dream:  Talking about election of Joe Biden. Two tall dark penguins standing behind us. As soon as we started talking to them, they turned into people.

February 3, 2021:  In bad mood all day ’cause of some of the dreams from last night (*Later I realized it related to the Berniecrats meeting this evening and once I had made this connection, my mood brightened and a proposal I made was approved by acclamation.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Anthony there. We talk briefly. I asked him about his hair. He said he woke up with wild hair. I said, “That sounds like a good thing.” #43 home. Get off a bit early to intercept cute runner with high-cut runner shorts. Watch Trial of Adolph Eichmann. Berniecrats at 6:30 p.m.

February 3 dream:  Walking along Market Street at night in the fog. See three friends on stools jutting out from billboard. I get out camera to take photo. Homeless guy on the street thinks I want to take photo of him. Then he comes after me. I am laying on the sidewalk pushing myself backwards with my feet.

February 3 dream:  Putting things in alphabetical order. Then they’re not. Co-worker is not helpful.

February 2, 2021:  Call asking for John in a.m. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. G.P. Then C.G.P. Then muted trumpeter as I approach Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Insight: Maybe my feeling of ecstatic joy with John was not so much due to John but due to the potential freedom from my father. Insight: Better question to my father: Not “Did you do this to me?” but “Did I allow you to do this to me?”

February 2 dream:  Visit Arnold Schwarzenegger’s house. Photos on the wall of Tom O’s performance as an escape artist. I’m on couch sleeping. Suddenly wife says, “Arnold’s home” and she shuts my door.

February 2 dream:  Get in fight with store clerk trying to get some change fast ’cause I have something cooking at home.

February 2 dream:  Getting ready to be minister at big wedding in Fresno or someplace like that. Wear my black sports coat with threads hanging down. Pull on some threads. Keep getting side-tracked by host and not-very-nice woman guest. Host asks me if I want to do something with her (the not-very-nice woman). I say, “Nope.”

February 2 dream:  Stay home from work. Get call for 4 day temp job at night. Didn’t call in to work to let them know I wouldn’t be there. Am rooming with Trish M. from DOJ.

February 1, 2021:  3:15 p.m. anonymous call. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk up Portola. Hawk midway. Anthony at Starbucks. He has green hair today. He started classes last week. He’s taking four classes: Critical Thinking, The ’60s, Visual Anthropology and something about the ocean. He said he’d see me Wednesday. (Our 2nd date!!!). Insight: The rash on my side is my (internal) father upset that he’s losing me to somebody else. 2nd Insight: Ecstasy and terror from connection with John in January ’87: Ecstasy was prospect of being with John. Terror was reaction of my (internal) father.

February 1 dream:  Packing up to leave soon. Will head north.

February 1 dream:  About to give a presentation on board ship. Fellow sailor says they have to wash the area down first. Two cute little guys who are hot for me. One jealous of the other.

January 31, 2021:  See “Perfect” online. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola wearing new (tighter) Adidas pants. CVS. My vegetable guy at M.S. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. I’m the only one on bus for a while. See beautiful man on street. Get off bus a few stops later and try to find him. We pass each other. I follow him down Plymouth. Finally catch up with him. He looks lost. I say, “Do you need directions?” He says, “No.” I say, “OK.” (*Relates to “Perfect” from earlier in the day?)

January 31 dream:  Somebody tapped me on the shoulder while I was sleeping. I had to wake myself up.

January 31 dream:  Handing out water-skiing tickets to everybody at event. Didn’t see J. there even though he usually is.

January 31 dream:  Amherst(?) plus $31/mo. equals full fire coverage.

January 31 dream:  Sign up for gameshow. Spend most of the day waiting. ‘Til 8 p.m. Finally they come out. And I wake up.

January 31 dream:  “Borrow” government car to drive down the street a few blocks.

January 31 dream:  Party with Elliot D. and other guy I like. Everyone in yellow T-shirts. There’s going to be a party later.

January 30, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola Drive. Then over to Teresita to Safeway. Cute teenager raking a gutter on Teresita. I say, “There’s plenty to rake.” He laughs. Safeway. No Isaac. No Israel. No Alan. No bag boy. #43 home. Insight: Looking up photos of beautiful near naked male model on Google Images. Notice a few of him making funny faces. I didn’t like that. You don’t get to be both sexy and likable!

January 30 dream:  Carol Burnett is the biggest star on TV. Had to be taken down a peg or two.

January 30 dream:  Getting ready to do short comedy bit with a few other comedians after a Republican meeting featuring George Bush. My opening line, “I’m the anti-Ira,” referring to Ira who spoke before.

January 30 dream:  Bought metaphysical book. Inside was a note to me from Calvin H. about one of his classes. Talking with weird airy-fairy guy at table.

January 30 dream:  Realized the comedy dream I just had was about me and others having sex with Hugh John.

January 29, 2021:  In ’til 1:30 p.m. Take #29 and #49. Head back. Cute skateboarder with wry smile at Ocean and Cayuga. Take J train to Duboce. Go to Love & Haight Computers. Get upgrade to MacBook Pro. Walk back via Castro. Walk up Market to Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Late for Prosperos Round Table. Tom C. not there.

January 29 dream:  Scary movie. Woman with knife threatens us. Throws knife into the wall. Leaves house without key. Then when the door closes, she opens it. Only it is some other tenant. Putting on play with guy I like playing Buffalo Bob. Girl is talking to him. I accidentally knock over bottle of vitamins. He laughs.

January 29 dream:  Getting off work, kind of fly around theme park area looking for place to eat. Sit under tree. Then two big serpents come edging towards me. Then young woman in white business suit holding onto a banana. She said that she “holded” two positions. I said “Held.” She said, “Holded.”

January 29 dream:  Big fat scary guy comes on train. Pushes people around. I’m sitting on the floor. I don’t get up. I kind of figure it’s a dream, so I don’t get out of his way. He walks by.

January 28, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Walgreens. Then to Excelsior library. “Soup Nazi” at Excelsior library. Then to G.P. Then to G.C.P. Two coyotes in G.C.P. Guys says to me, “They’re not interested in us. They’re interested in gophers. (*Relates to J. on January 29?) Starbucks. #43 home. Memory: Walking into dressing room at Prosperos center in Santa Monica and a shirtless Thane giving me a wry smile.

January 28 dream:  Laura H. watches me pee.

January 28 dream:  Elegant Eugene, Oregon, resto. Guy with “Oregon State” T-shirt.

January 27, 2021:  Two anonymous calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Shits just before leaving. Cold day. Walk down Ocean to Starbucks Target. Get matcha latte. Really sweet and pretty girl named Sadie takes my order. She says, “How’s your day going?” I say, “Pretty good, now.” Also guy from Oregon State. I say, “I went there.” He says, “Go Beavs!” Walk home. Take out a lot of recycling and garbage. Watch San Andreas in p.m.

January 27 dream:  Rush to get to job interview at 2:30 in Room 564. Guy says, “Did you drop out of Harvard or wherever it was you went?” I said, “I finished college.” The job was for some sort of supervisor position. I had to be somewhere else at 3 p.m.

January 27 dream:  Lining everything up to catch the #22 bus. Remove uprooted tree from platform.

January 27 dream:  After big festival, arrange cookies in tray. Saw Carol Carter, Billye T. and many others.

January 26, 2021:  9 am call with Justice Democrats. I signed NDA to volunteer for them. In ’til 3ish. Rainy and cold day. Walk down Ocean. Then turn back. Realize back pain from hier may relate to hier’s “mask off” moment and me being internally vulnerable to my father’s anger. Get matcha latte at Starbucks Target. Go home. Try on new Adidas paints. They are way too small. Order new pants. Walk to UPS to return old pants. Cute guy at UPS tried to deflect my gaze. Walk to Walgreens to return old pants. Get comments twice from bystanders who complimented me on my wearing shorts and flip-flops in the rain.

January 26 dream:  Wooden table in back needs re-doing.

January 26 dream:  Dream about … votes in Coolidge’s day.

January 26 dream:  Thane giving a talk. I’m the only one in the room and I’m sitting hi his chair. Think I should get up. Then let it go.

January 26 dream:  At resto, bill is $185 for all of us. Someone tells me the bill has been taken care of. Woman says, “Are you mad at me?” I say, “I’m just worried about the party tonight.” I wanted to wrap individual presents for all the guests.

January 25, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Windy day. Walk down Ocean and up Portola. As I think, “I should ask Anthony out,” guy walking by me smiles and nods. So I go to Starbucks. Anthony there. At end of our conversation, I say, “We should get together sometime.” He says, “Yeah. Of course, school is starting so there may not be a lot of time.” On my way out door gust of wind reached into my paper bag and grabbed my mask. Don’t realize ’til I get to bus stop, so I have to walk home. Bend over at one point to pick up my pen. Felt big pain the my back.

January 25 dream:  Have big pile of DVDs to go thru. Laura H. thinks I do the occasional drugs. I point at hallway. “If ever there was something which would make me do drugs again, it would be this hallway.”

January 25 dream:  At weekend retreat, being led by tough drill sergeant type guy. At end of day we are partnered up with women to simulate “dance and attack.”

January 25 dream:  Passing out post cards for big gay event. I’m at Market & Van Ness.

January 25 dream:  In fancy new bus terminal, talking about…

January 24, 2021:  Leg scab comes off. In ’til 3ish. Rainy day. Walk up Portola to CVS. Then M.S. Talked with my vegetable guy. Then Starbucks. Anthony there. He showed me his drawings on his phone. Said he’d probably see me tomorrow. Asked if I’d be here. I said yes. Our first date!!! #43 home. Randy from Portland at W.F. Key & Peele marathon in p.m. Insight: John H. is the emotional equivalent of my father wrapped up in a young and attractive package. I think that’s why I unconsciously chose him to be my emotional mirror.

January 24 dream:  Trying to arrest 74 million people.

January 23, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. We discussed vaccines mostly. Online work. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee there. Try to joke with him but I don’t think he understood me. Walk to Safeway. Jun closed. Bag boy plus Isaac at checkout. He and Israel have known each other for 10 years. Both went to same elementary school. Isaac went to Raoul Wallenberg H.S. He was wearing a mask which said something like “If all else fails, be kind.” He said he got it from his mother.

January 23 dream:  Going out to get something to eat after a hard day’s work.

January 23 dream:  Offer to re-carpet lady’s living room. I like her. She lives in San Fernando Valley. Green hills. Tall, good-looking guy with metallic teeth comes in. Puppy poops on floor. I get a postcard addressed to me at London, England.

January 23 dream:  Driving my Mercedes in N.Y. The brakes don’t work too well and I can’t see where I’m going. I figure I’m going to die. Then I’m on subway and strange woman calms me down.

January 22, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola to CVS. Talk with Pat. Then Starbucks. Talk with Anthony. (*Relates to hawk from hier. Saw hawk twice. First time related to Pat. Second time related to Anthony.) I asked Anthony when I would see his paintings. He said he’d put them on his phone for next time we met. #43 home. Beautiful Asian goy whose black hair covered his face on #43. Tall, well-built black guy who said he liked my “Frisco” T-shirt. Almost forgot about Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Came in late, about 6. Tom C. there. Also Hanz. Al H. left shortly I arrived.

January 22 dream:  Setting up for 8:30 p.m. show at exhibition tables. Derek Lamar there. I’m working myself to the bone. Bruises on my arm.

January 22 dream:  Thane stops by center. He will be giving talk in a few days. I point out poem posted on bulletin board. He just had a heart attack. Earlier he talked to me alone with one other student.

January 22 dream:  Working on Separation 8 document. Katherine T. may have taken document home with her.

January 21, 2021:  No anonymous calls today. Rebecca Ziskind calls me from New Orleans informing me that Bruce King died on October 20. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. then G.C.P. Hawk on Amber Drive. Buy Chron at M.S. Starbucks. #43 home.

January 21 dream:  Group had to decrease its size by a few people so guy with knife started stabbing people.

January 21 dream:  At awards ceremony win 76 inch long candy cane. Then go to Lafayette Park or try to. I may be in some sort of cult.

January 21 dream:  Was at very nice party. People were talking about Clair Gold as a star ’cause she was a grandmother and she went to Europe eery year and sold her wares. I was hanging out with Chuck Schaefer at  end and I was going to go home but he convinced me I didn’t have to.

January 20, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. Shits just before I leave. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Ocean. Long-haired guy on Ocean. Up Portola to M.S. Tried to get in red-haired Margaret’s line but she evaded me. Starbucks. Asian guy on Portola. #43 home.

January 20 dream:  Traveler would appear with right wrist covered. Then would disappear. This followed several times with different travelers.

January 20 dream:  Go to cafe to pass out political literature. Run into Leigh who is doing the same. I say to her, “I didn’t know you were aa corporate Democrat.” She says, “Yes, I am.”

January 19, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Beautiful young man in blue and white Spandex shorts and multi-colored mask stops at tree to stretch his legs (and show off a bit). On to library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Two female dogs hold onto same stick trying to figure out who is the alpha. See same Asian guy on Amber Drive from November 5. Starbucks. #43 home.

January 19 dream:  Trying to go over my presentation in the body of a black drag queen ’cause I’m too lazy to switch back to my own body.

January 19 dream: Instructor eats shit just to show us it can be done?

January 19 dream:  Get very emotional over 2nd anniversary of MLK’s death while visiting poor family.

January 19 dream:  Hear gunshot!

January 18, 2021:  Anonymous call about 10:30 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Beautiful man with stud earring in car at 7-11 parking lot. See “Hot.” Walk up Portola to Starbucks. Anthony there. Significant eye contact. (*Relates to three hawks from hier?) #43 home.

January 18 dream:  Work on magazine I started. Couldn’t remember the name of it. (h.o.)

January 18 dream:  Order pizza but not the kind I really want. See Norma Keller for 2nd night in a row in same seat in theater. I tell her that. Then take pee. Then run into some young boys who invite me to play ball with them sometime. I ask where they live. Oldest one says it’s some no account town.

January 18, 2021:  Anonymous call about 10:30 a.m. (*Relates to three hawks from hier?)

January 17, 2021:  Work online. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Ocean and Portola to Starbucks. Realized hawk and two crows from January 14 relate to anonymous call on January 15. Staff at Starbucks see me coming and give me my matcha latte right away. Walk down Teresita. Three hawks? Bag boy at Safeway tells me Isaac just left. And that Isaiah (read Israel) now works in the deli. View Men for Sale (about Montreal sex workers) in p.m.

January 17 dream:  Talk with beautiful man about Goth book he’s reading. Then talk with beautiful woman about her former job and female boss.

January 17 dream:  Nancy O’s dog and cat getting along. Woman sleeping in laundry room.

January 17 dream:  Scab finally comes off.

January 16, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. Only six of us. Heather spoke of new short film called “Another Hay Ride” about Louise Hay’s weekly meetings for people with AIDS in the ’80s. Brought back memories of the Metaphysical Alliance. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then talk briefly with Lee at G.P. Then G.C.P. Then my Asian afro friend at M.S. ignores me. Then so does Pat at CVS, who looks more muscular than ever. #43 home. Beautiful Russell Brand lookalike in back seat. I compliment him on his outfit. He says, “Thanks.”

January 16 dream:  Working at video production center.

January 15, 2021:  Go to VA for 11 a.m. checkup at Urology Dept. Strange nurse. Nice Dr. Shee feels my balls. Says they’re looking good. Walk to 9th & Judah. Go to W.F. Notice beautiful eyelashes of black security guard on entering. Then he greets me. Talk with Joe from December 18. He has tattoos all over his arm, but not his torso yet. Greet security guard again on way out. Anonymous call at 1ish. When there is no response, I say, “Aw, come on!” Nap. Prosperos Round Table in p.m. Have run-in with Janet C. and Clint L. Tom C. there. For first time I didn’t much like him. Shits in p.m. Translate new noisy neighbor below me. Realize that my sillygism around crime and punishment is: If I’m being punished (or in pain), then I must have committed a crime. Conclusion: I live in a pain-free, crime-free Universe.

January 15 dream:  On bus ride. People in back, including baby, were not going to be seated at resto and they needed to be. So I awoke from my seat to be sure it was handled.

January 15 dream:  Student talking about Pearl S. Buck books.

January 15 dream:  Calvin and I and others being held up by a crane on a truck being driven around a steep corner overlooking a lake by a clumsy driver.

January 15 dream:  Woman lends me pillow. I try to give it back. She says to keep it. I stand in line to see if I can give it so somebody else. I smile at woman at counter. She says, “You can have anything ’cause you’re cute.” I look around ’cause didn’t know if she was talking to me.

January 14, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola to M.S. Hawk and two crows. Starbucks. #43 home. See beautiful view of ocean. Get off bus and go back. View has changed. Girl skateboarder on pedestrian bridge. She’s admiring the view. I think, “No, this isn’t the right view. It was different a few minutes ago.” #43 home again. Little kids on jungle gym say, “Look at me! Look at me!” I take photo of them.

January 13, 2021:  Hear “Expect the Unexpected.” In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Buy pen which doesn’t work Exchange for one that does. G.C.P. Adam and Monica at Starbucks. Cute little girl smiles at me on Sydney. #43 home. Follow guy to McD’s. He goes on. I go in briefly.

January 13 dream:  Crab cakes being served. I drop mine on the floor.

January 13 dream:  Guy takes his plan to YouTube.

January 12, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then took Diamond Heights Blvd. to Market. M.S. Starbucks #43 home. Nasty, old lady on #43.

January 12 dream:  Stacy, a young black co-worker, lives for only a few months.

January 12 dream:  Reading an American history book about John Ruskin, John James and others. Girls remind me to bring olives to class for an experiment

January 11, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk Ocean to Portola to Starbucks. Adam there. #43 home. Watch Misfits, Season One, in p.m.

January 11 dream:  My British boss lady runs off several letters for me to take care of before she leaves. One is about an executive who avoids S.F.

January 11 dream:  Go to Vegas in just my shorts. Somebody had taken my jacket. Pass by gay camp. Guy says, “I think you’ll like it.” Try to register for room in movie theater. Guy is very helpful but sick with cough, etc.

January 11 dream:  Getting ready to fly to Japan or China from S.F. Accidentally pee on my pants at urinal.

January 11 dream:  Drive to Waipoo. In van up narrow desert region of S.F. high mountains filled with old sculptures, heads of classic Greek men. Then 2nd car ride. I get my jacket caught in car door.

January 10, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Run into (2nd) cute Asian guy from December 20. Follow him to Lakeside as I did on December 20. Then up W.P. and Ulloa to M.S. Follow cute guy into M.S. but lose him. Talk briefly with Evan. Starbucks. #43 home.

January 10 dream:  Making dessert for the family. The kitchen has been re-arranged and needs to be set back.

January 10 dream:  Thane at party sitting on chair alone. He says, “I’m looking for Gloria Runyon.” I say, “I can find her it you want.” He says, “No.” I pick up a pen and give it to him. Later Tom C. being his usual playful self.

January 10 dream:  There will be a date of completion.

January 9, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. Ugur was being a bit of a smart-ass. Talk with Ned Henry later. His photo of Tom C. as a young man, which he posted on the BB, undid me for most of the day. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola and down Teresita to Safeway. Isaac and Alan there. #43 home.

January 9 dream:  Looking for place. Told not to ask boss’s son. Did anyway. Later out partying. Person I was hoping would show up did not show up.

January 9 dream:  Take bus thru really homeless part of city. Someone unlocks my apartment from outside. I bolt it shut.

January 9 dream:  Am late to class. Climb thru moat and up rocky path to get in window. Then realize I forgot my book. “Fuck!” Climb back. Young kid climbing into class as I leave.

January 9 dream:  Have beautiful visit to Portland, Oregon. Then get lost. People trying to help me. Woman comes into store with flyer about show about S.F.

January 8, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Then M.S. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table. Tom C. there. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Then Berniecrats. Shahid spoke briefly.

January 8 dream:  Taking final exam. All classes in one room. I thought it was a pretty easy test. He just asked about all the things we had discussed. Guy next to me thought it was very hard.

January 8 dream:  Jeremy Ruskin.

January 7, 2021:  Jerk off in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then to G.P. Sudoku on bench. Take shit at G.C.P. restroom. On to Starbucks Portola. #43 home.

January 7 dream:  Taking written test.

January 7 dream:  Older guy takes me out to dinner without his younger friend. We almost drive into huge clear beautiful pool. He turns left into about 6 inches of bay water. We go to resto where we are going to share a hot dog.

January 7 dream:  Go to big hole/construction site in L.A. Go down long steps to reach it. Then automatic stairs back up. I’m late for a dinner. Norma Keller let’s me have what remains and smiles at me.

January 7 dream:  Waiting with others to sign off on something.

January 6, 2021:  Order new sheets from Macy’s. In ’til 3ish. MAGA-heads invade Congress. Walk up Portola to Starbucks. #43 home. Berniecrats in p.m is replaced by Harvey Milk-sponsored meeting of groups on the left and unions to discuss today’s invasion of the Capitol. Really turned me off to the Milk Club. Get anonymous call right after the meeting.

January 6 dream:  Dog and man on hunt. Dog saves man. (h.o.)

January 6 dream:  Bad boy Bradley Manning returns after long time away. I drop what I’m dong. So does another. (h.o.)

January 6 dream:  Steve Oneven.

January 5, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Georgia elections. Yay!!!

January 5 dream:  Hillary Clinton, a broad-shouldered guy named Leslie, and other person are competing. Hillary takes her opponent’s yellow wax crayon and applies it to an energy source to gauge its output.

January 5 dream:  A friend of mine had an old Shakespearian book and asked me, “Where is that passage?” We were at some fair or festival.

January 5 dream:  I introduce Democrat. Tom Selleck introduces Trump. My guy hasn’t shown up yet. I drive thru parking lot looking for him. Finally end up in garage elevator with me on one side of barrier and the car on the other.

January 5 dream:  Clearing out cage on pole. Throw a lot of stuff out. Tom C. there.

January 4, 2021:  Get call in a.m. saying studio apt. is available for me at 55 Laguna. After waiting for woman to email me the application forms, I decide to go down there in person. Then walk back thru the Castro and up Market to M.S. and Starbucks Portola. Cute black child dancing in front of his parents on Castro. Hawk on upper Market? Then slip and almost fall. Red-haired Margaret at M.S. Anthony at Starbucks would not even look at me. #43 home. Spend an hour or two filling out forms for Mercy Housing. Finally get email with photos of apartment and I’m really not impressed. Think I’ll have to pass on it. (*Relates to 2nd dream of January 3?)

January 4 dream:  Staying in N.Y. for a few weeks (but keeping my California apartment) with 3 or 4 others. I’m sleeping on the carpeted floor. Someone is looking for Ben.

January 4 dream:  Trying to get into 8th floor of building where I used to live to pass out pamphlets. Also to see book publisher. Later woman who likes me drives by in her jeep with lots of rough-looking guys. I had piece of chalk in my mouth.

January 3, 2021:  Hugh John calls in a.m. Later anonymous call. In ’til 4:30ish. Walk up Portola to CVS and Starbucks. Kaleb there. #43 home. Anonymous call around 7 p.m.

January 3 dream:  On the way to David Letterman’s studio. They may be filming. On the way we see the two Crane brothers, Frasier and Niles.

January 3 dream:  Win Hawaiian vacation but don’t claim it for a while. When I get home it’s dark and my sister gives me the phone saying it’s the newspaper I need to speak with about the prize. (*I think this relates to call today asking if I’m still interested in living at 55 Laguna.)

January 3 dream:  Group of us sitting at U-shaped tables discussing maleness and femaleness. At one point someone says, “We’re seen your mom.” I say, “Actually, she’s my step-mother.”

January 3 dream:  I’m sitting next to my boyfriend. He needs a light. We’re with one or two other male couples.

January 2, 2021:  Translation workshop at 9 a.m. Sara Walker shares her Translation. Found credit card bill I thought had never been mailed to me. Online work. Nap. Haircut at 2 p.m. Great to see Jun again. I told him I was looking at houses. He told me he’d drive me to look at them if I wanted. Safeway. Clean bathtub. Living room rug.

January 2 dream:  At work. Supervisors come in and watch over us. Frightening ’cause I don’t have much to do except straighten things up.

January 2 dream:  Visit comedy club. Guy does bad routine. Two women get up on stage and make out. Then we’re in car in S.F. Then Portland. I’m talking with guy in back seat about the Paris section of Portland. His shirt pops open. Then driver “drip-dries” the car, i.e., let’s the car fall into its own parking space. And we go into some sort of mall.

January 1, 2021:  Bills and monthly BB in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola and M.S. Then Starbucks. Kaleb there but busy. #43 home. Watch documentary on narcissistic abuse. Realize it wasn’t just John H., but both my father and my step-mother were narcissists. (*Relates to wild turkey from hier?) Feels like this just dawned on me. They used the classic narcissistic ploys: Gas-lighting, like pretending that I was the one who didn’t want to be part of the family even though I was doing everything I could think of to be part of the family; Confusing me, lying to me, like my father saying to me at one point that I never really wanted him to remarry. Then later denying he had ever said it. Like him treating his own mother so rudely and when I called him on it, just denying it. Realized that this was probably the solution to my Rosa Parks dream, the dream where I have a Rosa Parks moment, followed by a football game in Dallas, followed by two simultaneous football games in Miami and Washington, D.C. My Rosa Parks experience was standing up to Doris M. at TRI Commercial back in 1995. The Dallas football game was the so-called family reunion in the ’80s when my father asked me, “Do you think this [the family] is just a big lie?” The simultaneous games in Miami and Washington, D.C., relate to my realization today that Harriet (Miami) and my father (Washington, D.C.) were gas-lighting and lying to me. That I was not the crazy one, the misfit, the loner. I was just being told that that was who I was. That my parents were narcissists and that it had nothing to do with me personally.

January 1 dream:  My big toe nail falls off.

January 1 dream:  Heather and I get in fight about workshop time and place.

December 31, 2020:  Facebook message with Jun in a.m. Makes me feel good. Posted “House of Flowers” with the lines “Won’t you come live with me? I’d come live with me if I were you, if I were you.” Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then Lee at G.P. See wild (but fearless) turkey grazing on Arbor Street. Then G.C.P. See Coyote Lady on exiting. Evan and my Asian afro friend at M.S. Kaleb and Monica at Starbucks. Kaleb came out here at 17 from small town in South Carolina three years ago or so. (*Realize hawks from December 29 may relate to Kaleb today instead of Anthony hier.)

December 31 dream:  Starting a job agency to find what people are really suited for and what they love.

December 31 dream:  Visit Aunt Joanne’s home. A lot of it doesn’t seem lived in. I think, “If I lived here, I’d make it a nicer. . . . . or for couch in the living room.” Also Leigh and two other youngsters.

December 31 dream:  Reading that Truth is always employed. At Prosperos center, decide to take my meal here. Friend offers to drive me.

December 31 dream:  Getting ready for big gay event. Lots of people in the crowd I know. End up at in bleacher next to young Russian guy who sort of comes on to me. Then, at 5 p.m, we drive off presumably to get a better view of the parade (or to be in the parade).

December 31 dream:  Driving off to political event. People are disguised as various political people. Melissa is there. Or is it Beth Kuper? People keep mistaking me for Gerald Ford.

December 30, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola to Starbucks. Anthony goes into the bathroom just as I arrive. (*Relates to two hawks from hier, I believe.) #43 home. #ForceTheVote online in p.m.

December 30 dream:  Trying to get Tom O. ready to go. (h.o.)

December 30 dream:  Jimmy Dore visiting me. Anne Bollman calls. Jimmy harasses her.

December 30 dream:  Friend and  I “watching the dogs” from high place. We go down to buy a pair of jeans for the next day or so of our journey. Nancy and Laurie in car wave at me to join them. Big Cadillac runs into convertible. Black man comes up and asks if one of the vultures is pink says something about the 11th vulture.

December 29, 2020:  Tough nite last nite. Got up and jerked off. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Guy with “Chicago” T-shirt. Then G.C.P. My “Loom” friend not there again. I’m thinking he may have been a tulpa. On to G.C.P. Two hawks circling at the edge of the park. Go to M.S. looking for my sweet “girlfriend.” She’s not there. Go to Starbucks. #43 home. Really sweet Muni driver. Follow guy into McD’s. Turns out he’s a she. I asked her if she had already ordered. She was incredibly beautiful and exotic with extra make-up on her eyes and eye lashes. Her look was kind of shocking. (*Relates, I think, to hawk on Portola from hier.) Insight: My step-mother hated me so much ’cause we were both using my father as meal ticket.

December 29 dream:  Tom O’s girlfriend arrives home while I’m sleeping there.

December 29 dream:  Pick my nose in preparation for something fun. (h.o.)

December 29 dream:  Getting ready for big party in somebody’s back yard. Lots of chairs set up. Something going on next door as well.

December 29 dream:  Big event in S.F. (like Pride). Indoors ghost of train comes barreling thru crowd. After, see Martin Crane (Frasier’s TV father) talking to somebody about ownership of a car dealership?

December 29 dream:  Mary L. lends me her health notebook, but writes her name on the cover. I shut my door so she won’t see me naked but I go out into the hallway with my butt exposed.

December 29 dream:  Black guys takes my black leather jacket. It’s too tight on him. I go after him.

December 28, 2020:  Anonymous call at about 2:45 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola. Hawk flies from Mt. Davidson to Edgehill Mt., circling near me. Anthony at Starbucks Portola. Had not seen him for a long time. Found out he’s an art student at SFSU. Tell him I look forward to him displaying his artwork at Starbucks. He said maybe after the pandemic they would do that. Also Mau. #43 home. Finish viewing Mr. Mercedes, Season 3.

December 28 dream:  Oprah in detention. Not shutting up.

December 28 dream:  Old book compiled in 1929 about the founding of a town called Hewit. Talking with some old folks about it

December 27, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk out Ocean to Portola. Accidentally step on “Jupiter Ascending” DVD at 7-11. Guy wearing “Chicago” T-shirt on Portola. No Starbucks or M.S. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. #43 home. Anonymous call at 5:46 p.m. (*Relates to hearing hawk hier in G.C.P.?)

December 27 dream:  A couple of books are still out from weekly FYL-group which is almost over. One guy returns his book to me. He goes in one room. I’m in the other.

December 27 dream:  On a Navy ship at sea. I feel safe ’cause it’s an American ship. John Wayne swimming along side of us. He’s a strong swimmer but his mind is gone.

December 27 dream:  I live in black house, upstairs. Someone made a derogatory comment about blacks. I go upstairs and support them.

December 27 dream:  Staying at strange, dirty house between races. Others there with me. I open up the fridge and it makes a loud noise which everyone is concerned about. Also, it’s empty and full of insects. Young man complains to me about something and says I should let Ron know. I tell him that Ron is not a real person.

December 26, 2020:  Translation group in a.m. At one point I am asking people to volunteer to do a Translation for next week and I get kind of pushy, not wanting anybody to get away with anything. I think my father self took over. I quickly reversed course, but it shocked me. (*Relates to 2nd dream of December 25?) Have orgasm for first time since my operation on December 10. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. No “Loom” friend. Hear hawk and then owl on way out of park. Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Watch holocaust documentary in p.m. Wash clothes.

December 26 dream:  Guy complained about being in Oregon Shakespeare festival and not being well-compensated. Later they talked of how wonderful East Berlin has become, like the East Village in NYC.

December 25, 2020:  Heather calls in a.m. Sarah calls later. In ’til 3ish. Rainy day. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb not there. #43 home. Turkey TV dinner in p.m.

December 25 dream:  A couple is made king and queen of France who aren’t even French. We set up table on the side with French flag on it and some begin singing La Marseillaise.

December 25 dream:  At nice mall, eat container of cottage which tastes ok. Then I see mold and old grapes inside. Try to see expiration date. The can is a can of clams. Talk with Harriet. I tell her the students will be let out soon. She says there’s some kind of disease going around. (*Relates to Translation group on December 26?)

December 25 dream:  Beautiful elegant woman sits next to me. Makes catty comments about other beautiful elegant woman who sat there before and now is sitting in the next seat up.

December 25 dream:  Naked Mario Lopez sits in bed in front of me. Then gets up and goes to another bed. Another naked guy stops by. I ask him if he’s seen the new boxing fad in Las Vegas where someone takes on several boxers, one after the other, all in brief trunks.

December 25 dream:  Fellow worker points out two or three places near work where I could move to. I take pee before returning to work.

December 24, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Tulpa following me on Ocean? Then on to G.P. Pass by Sudoku on bench. Walk to G.C.P. Run into “Loom” guy again. We talk about 20 minutes. His name is Tom Higgins. He’s from Chicago, out here to start new company called Argo Aerodynamics(?) Later see Janet the Coyote Lady. Walk on to M.S. Hope to run into sweet girl I bypassed hier. She wasn’t there. But had nice connection with two Asian workers and my Asian afro friend there. Gave $5 to my homeless friend. Kaleb at Starbucks #43 home. Smoke alarm goes off in p.m. as I’m trying to make pasta. Kind of throw up (not as much as last night) again.

December 24 dream:  At new job, trying to figure out what to do.

December 24 dream:  Thane giving class. I’m in front row . Perry D. or Billye T. sitting near me with lots of cash in suitcase. Then Thane is suddenly in another place. Then he is where Perry/Billye used to be.

December 23, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Try out new shoes. No problems so far. Walk up Portola to M.S. Have checkout choice between young guy I didn’t know and sweet girl I liked. Chose guy. Shouldn’t have. Kaleb at Starbucks. He talks a lot about what’s been going on with the virus and at Starbucks. Said he’d be working on December 24 and 25 since he has no family. #43 home. Throw up in p.m. while watching TV.

December 23 dream:  Guy with only a video head. I called him into the next room. He wanted to make sure I knew that only his head was attached.

December 23 dream:  I asked guy to show me his gun license.

December 23 dream:  Trying to get the train out of Eugene, Oregon. May have left my car in Corvallis.

December 23 dream:  Adding up monthly accounts. Handwrite them instead of type them so I have to do it over.

December 22, 2020:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Run into nice young man in glasses sitting under a tree reading The Loom of Language. On to Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Get off three steps early to view the “Great Conjunction.” I think I saw it.

December 22 dream:  Get lost in the upper regions of S.F. Come across good-looking, shirtless guy who says, “All I want is money.” I throw down all my change. He chases me. Run into fancy modern construction site where some big top secret project is underway. I try to get back to the Castro. Giant bears (2 or 3 times the size of normal bears) wrestling each other and woman trainer.

December 21, 2020:  Shahid Buttar calls in a.m. Then anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola to Teresita to Safeway. Alan there. Pleased that I remembered his name. Sweet cowering dog outside. Later stopped by W.F. Stood in line to get checked out by Randy from December 17. As soon as it was my turn, he left and somebody else took his place.

December 21 dream:  Trying to recover from always looking at my wounds all the time(?)

December 21 dream:  The Prosperos Assembly banquet was taken over by guys who thought it was their home. Some of those guys in my family. Nancy Lee there. Bob Matusiak. Many, including me, just left.

December 21 dream:  John H. tells me to look up Joe Berry.

December 21 dream:  From beautiful wood balcony where Bill L. and I live, see and hear reflections of porpoises and birds playing. Not sure if they’re in the sky or a reflection of what’s in the water. Then hear and see tiger climb up to our balcony. I do Truth syllogism. Tiger goes up stairway. Then back. Several men trying to hold it back. I approach it. It gets a little smaller.

December 21 dream:  Muni train doesn’t stop at station. Goes on without tracks. Finally stops in nice clean wet suburban town. We walk back to train.

December 20, 2020:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Run into my Asian friend from December 14. (*Relates to hawk and two crows from hier, I think. Also shits from hier, I think.) Then follow second cute Asian guy down Ocean to Lakeview. Run across 3rd cute guy at food stand. Walk up to W.P. Then up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Lots of noisy customers. #43 home. Insight: My compulsion to eat chocolate every one in a while – I had two chocolate muffins this a.m. – may be due to me never allowing myself to have the “terrible twos.”

December 20 dream:  Get new Eurocard.

December 20 dream:  John F. and I and his dog Lula go out to eat somewhere. He says Lula’s doing better. Aunt Joanne and Harriet also there.

December 20 dream:  John H. in class for gay couples as am I. Later I shop and buy a whole bunch of cotton panties that may not even fit me.

December 20 dream:  Group of us take train on a joy ride. When it ends instead of getting arrested, we come to terms. AOC is one of our lawyers. Woman in our group has severe internal pains due to cancer. I am mad (at God?) and continue eating my chocolate ice cream cone.

December 19, 2020:  Translation group in a.m. Usual suspects. Sarah calls after. Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3:30 or so. Walk out. Drop my keys down the garbage shoot. Run down to office. Fortunately somebody was there and they were able to fish through the garbage and retrieve my keys. Walk to Excelsior. See hawk chased by two crows on Ocean. Go to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee and his mother out of Chrons. On to G.C.P. Evan standing in front of M.S., not looking at me. Then Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home.

December 19 dream:  Getting liquor, cigarettes and material for car we’re supporting in race.

December 19 dream:  At kind of beatnik gathering. My next counseling appointment with Suzanne D. is on Saturday, January 6, at 1:30 p.m. I’m supposed to come up with a name for it.

December 19 dream:  Guy with nice ass in black Speedos lying down in boat. People caressing his ass.

December 18, 2020:  In ’til noonish. #29 and walk to VA. Waiting in doc’s office, get call from wrong number. Makes me feel a little down. Heather calls just as doctor enters room. Have good session. Good rapport with doctor. As I’m leaving VA, cute short guy with tight, red, satin pants runs by. Feels like the Universe is giving me a “palate cleanser” from the earlier wrong phone number. Walk to Arizmendi Bakery on 9th Avenue. Catch #43 home. Then matcha latte at Target. Joe at W.F. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Really good group session with Ned Henry and the usual suspects. Second wrong number call in p.m. (*Relates to first dream of December 13?) Insight: Realized since I was not aggressive with my father, I must have been passive/aggressive. Trying to figure out how, probably by getting aggressive with myself.

December 18 dream:  Trying some online message without the “Louise Hay How Do You Feel You Me?” field. (*Relates to Translation group on Saturday a.m. where we discussed Louise Hay and her methods.)

December 18 dream:  Stop by to help a guy lift a bag of cement up his steps. I have a wheelbarrow which reads “170.”

December 18 dream:  Lance a boil.

December 17, 2020:  Finish BB. Take pee. Get anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. Take K downtown to main library. Walk back up Market to Castro. Run into Anton at Castro & 17th Street. Go down to Castro & 18th to view Anton’s photo of Mary Elaine Botts, a homeless woman who died recently in the Castro. Walk up 18th to Market to M.S. Portola. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Guy with tight black shorts and hairless legs on #43. Go to W.F. Run into Noah and his therapist wife who get really panicky when Noah and I were about to touch elbows. Later meet Randy from Portland, Oregon, at W.F. checkout.

December 17 dream:  Library trying to take away my library privileges ’cause I treat the reference volume too roughly. I am researching five different cases.

December 17 dream:  My Bernie group is talking trash about me and delays our dinner meeting for an hour. I go out to meet with them.

December 17 dream:  Hardware guy tries to make connection between fear and desire from the scrotum. I say, “Did you talk to Tommy [Hilfiger] about that?” He thought I was being sarcastic. I wasn’t. In front of large audience.

December 17 dream:  I buy fake heart. Cashier pretends not to know what it is. Rude woman takes over resto. I try to stay cool.

December 17 dream:  Zoë talking about in-depth course which both Heather and I want to take. Zoë tears up when looking at me.

December 17 dream:  Driving thru beautiful country, bad roads.

December 17 dream:  Eating chocolate candies.

December 17 dream:  Hanging out with girl and guy I’m supposed to have sex with.

December 16, 2020:  Realizing my hydrocele may be coming back. Take shower. Get anonymous call. Maybe not. Don’t know. In ’til 3ish. Walk to M.S. Portola. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home.

December 16 dream:  Kids trying to get away from adults who beat them.

December 16 dream:  Shutting down big corporate operation. Everyone in their dress clothes. Many people getting awards. I sit by somebody . . . on the phone.

December 16 dream:  Back in N.Y after being down in Paris. When it comes up in conversation, I say, “It’s not so great. I was there last weekend.” Though I do remember falling in love with somebody, but can’t remember who. Older man I’m with has been declared sick. So we’re opening all the windows in the apartment and preparing something to eat.

December 16 dream:  Big event golf game scheduled. Everything is ready. Me and motherly woman walk to event. Dusty tortoise in hallway. It opens it’s shell. Woman goes in and doesn’t come out. Video of two guys and girl on beach dancing and guy’s pants come down.

December 16 dream:  Jimmy Dore trying to sell me ¼ acre forest site in Pennsylvania.

December 16 dream:  Find possible book publisher for my book: Lancaster Press. Great Grandma there ordering us around. “Would you rather me be picky or pushy?” I say, “Do we get a choice?”

December 15, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to M.S. Portola. Cute vegetable guy. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Rick Thomas’s “Al Haferkamp Sunday Meeting” email. Released my father in p.m.

December 15 dream:  Woman with letter demanding we do something. People turning dark, then still. Some still alive. We try to escape. Little girl and I go thru big S.F. glass doorway, walking around the already dead.

December 15 dream:  Playing some interview games with fellow students. It’s dark. I manage to turn a light on dimly. Reseat myself. Young woman says she talked with my mother.

December 15 dream:  With a few other people. Ate some clear cheese with oil on it. It was heavenly. It improved my mood. I was in Berkeley and I wondered if I should look for a place there.

December 15 dream:  Joined “pity party” for people without jobs. I just listened. Bill F. was applying for job as V.P. Something about needing more than two teeth, needing two sets of teeth for the job.

December 15 dream:  It’s raining in S.F. In cafe with guy who asked me if I want “real porn.” I say, “Yes.” Lots of homeless sleeping on the laws in the rain. I am walking with guy and girl social workers.

December 14, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. My cute Asian friend from July 22 and August 30 in lobby wearing muscle T-shirt and long hair. I say hello. He is mute. Walk to W.P. Feel shits coming on . Take K home. Nasty woman on K. Walk home from Jules. Get matcha latte at Japanese place. Not very good. Insight: If I become president, than I’d be powerful enough to stand up to my father. (*Just after this insight, get anonymous call at about 7:50 p.m.)

December 14 dream:  In abandoned battle ship, Harriet and Obe and me and some others (Bill F.) settling in for the night. Other strangers start coming in. I try to find place to pee.

December 14 dream: Me being empathetic doctor?

December 14 dream:  Hear one ring of my phone even though is is turned off.

December 14 dream:  My new boss at work. Very nice man tells me he’s interested in AA but never went. He said he couldn’t afford it. I said, “They’re free.” He said his wasn’t. I told him I gave up drinking, too, but not through AA. In line with some other workers, feeling like a man.

December 14 dream:  Chasing cute guy, see Bob M. Compliment him on his haircut. He compliments me on mine.

December 14 dream:  Checking in to visit women’s facility. My female co-workers don’t like me.

December 13, 2020:  Sunday Meeting in a.m. Nine people. Heather’s last for a while. In ’til 3ish. Walk to M.S. Portola. Misty day. Starbucks. #43 home. TYT guy from a few days ago on #43. Shits on getting home.

December 13 dream:  Some young toughs hanging around my door, breaking through the lock. I’m hanging out in my neighbor’s and my yard. Finally realize I can call the police. I dial “0.”

December 13 dream:  In nice house or bar. Guy from Europe calls saying he wants us to watch him commit suicide. I get electronic overview of my life. Chart goes up. Then up again before going down. And then there’s a readout. Hanz there. I have on red shirt which leaves me partly naked. Feel I could fuck anybody. Bill F. takes naked Aunt Nancy into back room.

December 13 dream:  Go off by myself. See some beautiful mountains to photo. Go to small town. Guy I’d like to suck. I think, “I could live here.” Lots of young people hanging out.

Deember 12, 2020:  Translation group in a.m. Online work. Noon online astrology group with Wendy Cicchetii. Take bandage off. No swelling. Take shit. Take shower. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Talked with Lee and his mother. Felt shits coming on again so walked to Safeway briefly. Then #43 home. Cute Asian guy dressed in black. Then down to Target for matcha latte. Two more cute guys on K. Then McDs. Talked with fellow paralegal. Very nice guy. Feel I’m returning to civilization. Translate lymphoma.

December 12 dream:  My black boyfriend going too far giving me a hard time.

December 12 dream:  Acting group which hires “normal people,” people who are not super-beautiful.

December 12 dream:  “New stars of tomorrow” walk across very high walkway without railing.

December 12 dream:  Running on military base towards some meeting place.

December 12 dream:  See new part of S.F. I’d never seen before. My girlfriend stops by. I want to see my boyfriend, too.

December 12 dream:  Sitting in resto with four or five beautiful men and women and their five dogs, each with a different role to play.

December 11, 2020:  VA lady says the pain will increase and the swelling, too. I said, “I’m not taking any pain medication.” And, under my breath, “Fuck you.” In ’til 3ish. No shower ’til tomorrow. Walk to M.S. Portola. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Follow cute young guy with swiveling hips into W.F. I ask him about the organic pumpkin pie he’s looking at. Prosperos Round Table in p.m. Tom C. kind of quiet. Suzanne D. loud. Insight: My father thinks he owns my body. Translate Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis. Conclusion: Truth is infinitely generating and strong.

December 11 dream:  Tom O. and I both living in Hollywood. In laundromat fighting over something. I say to him, “How big and beautiful your arms are.” He’s trying to convince me to have a life in Hollywood.

December 11 dream:  I’m helping woman get ready for Congressional Committee 16.

December 10, 2020:  Go to VA for 10 a.m. appointment. Delay of about two hours. Finally begin surgery at about 3 p.m. (*Hawk at G.C.P. hier relates to doctor who talked to me and wrote “JF” on my stomach.) Wake up two hours later. John F. and Lula come to pick me up. This was the first time I’d “gone under” since my OBE (out of body) experience of sexual abuse with my father when I was 9ish. (*See diary of February 6.) This time I trusted the people I was going under for, even looked forward to it. And, of course, I had already had Suprasex with my doctor. (*Relates to shits from hier on arriving home, I think.) RHS my Dad: “You did this for evil, but God (aka Consciousness, Infinite Mind) meant it for good, so that I would better understand (and utilize) Suprasex.”

December 9, 2020:  VA calls. My operation is tomorrow at 10 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. On to G.P. Have to IOU for Chron. Sudoku on bench. On to G.C.P. Hawk flying at same level as me in valley to my left. Starbucks. #43 home. Shits on getting home.

December 9 dream:  Calvin in new pair of underwear dancing without his new partner. I was his old partner.

December 8, 2020:  Anonymous call in a.m. (*Relates to heart contraction from last night?) In ’til 1ish. #29 and #38 to VA. Black guy with wild hair on #29. I move to sit across from him. Guy with fishing pole on #28. I asked him if he was going fishing. He said he was going to fish off Sutro Baths. Take Covid test at VA. Hot guy on ground floor. I ask him where the blood bank was. Hot guy at blood bank. Walk from VA to 9th & Irving. Hot buy on his bike on 9th Avenue and later in donut shop. #43 home. Another anonymous call in p.m.

December 8 dream:  Sarah tells her therapist that she needs her medication. I tell her therapist, “I’m sure you’ll find them” and walk out of Castro Street resto. (h.o.)

December 8 dream:  Naked, well-built man embracing woman. I try to put umbrella over woman whose soaking wet in only a white dress, dancing in the rain. She says, “Did you let her go?” I say, “I never had her.”

December 8 dream:  Naked guy with great ass walks thru my apartment. Then girl I like from down the hall, who I haven’t seen for quite a while, knocks on my door and wants to know my phone number. I can’t remember it. Then realize she and guy might be together.

December 7, 2020:  Up early concerned about call from VA. They call. My appointment is for tomorrow. Catch up with online work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Buy more Xmas cards. Get “Perfect.” Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Xmas cards in p.m.

December 7 dream:  Someone almost tips over my big multi-story house. By the name of bbb?

December 7 dream:  Finished adding up my numbers.

December 7 dream:  Working in basement job. Cute black guy comes in.

December 6, 2020:  Sunday meeting at 11 a.m. About 16 there. I admit at one point, “I had no idea Caliban had a mother.” Much tsk-tsking from Calvin and others. (*Relates to third dream of December 5 about attending Prosperos Assembly, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola Shopping Center, RHSing my father along the way. Realize that my method of punishing my father was to deny him my happiness. Fiona at M.S. makes me mad. Suddenly my side pain disappears. Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there. #43 home. Call Sarah. Talk with Jonathan as well.(*Relates to hawk from hier?)  VA calls in p.m. to set up appoint to operate on my balls. Abused kid on Suspects, Season 5, Episode 4 says, “It’s all my fault.”

December 6 dream:  Me and young woman on a laughing spree. (h.o.)

December 6 dream:  Gay guys going into theater for talk. Some checking each other out. One checks out me.

December 5, 2020:  Translation group in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola Shopping Center. Really cold day. Take path to Juanita Avenue. See young guy with older heavy-set man. Young guy is holding a fat-tired bicycle. Big guy smiles at me. I walk by. Turn around to get better look at young guy. Heavy-set guy says, “An early Christmas present.” I say, “Yeah, really amazing.” Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Hawk flies over me and lands on tree. Big line at Safeway. Isaac and Alan both there. I say at one point, “The line is moving.” Guy in front of me gives me a dirty look. Later same guy is looking at shelves when checkout stand opens up. I say, “Sir.” He gives me dirty look again. This time I could feel my adrenaline rising up. It was not flight. Made me feel good.

December 5 dream:  Looking for my money(?) (h.o.)

December 5 dream:  Black guy does impression of other black guy and it looks like a theft is in progress.

December 5 dream:  Arrive at Prosperos assembly. Hugh John is walking along the beach. In bus on way in, big clouds of dirty smoke. Daniel Crespo in room. TV doesn’t work unless you hit it. Also washer and dryer. I “accidentally “ bump into Danny from the back. He frowns at me. (*Relates to Sunday Meeting from December 6, I think.)

December 5 dream:  Waiting for woman to pay me. Anxious to get out of the house. She comes up with pail of dirty water. I try to steady her so she doesn’t spill it. She says, “At least the basement floor has been cleaned.” (*Relates to RHSing of my father on December 6?)

December 4, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. RHSing my father for trying to own me and myself for allowing him to. (*Relates to two coyotes from hier? The two coyotes representing my father and my younger self.) See Sudoku in G.P. On to G.C.P. Then M.S. Then Starbucks. Get a matcha latte. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30. Tom C. not there. Al H. there. Try to get Logitech camera fixed. See “Opportunity Knocks.” Watch JoJo Rabbit in p.m. Both May 1 and May 7 mentioned.

December 4 dream:  Get in fight with waiter named Omni. He won’t bring drink that I ordered for my friend. Then he writes something on the back of my jacket that I see on my way out. My heart beating fast.

December 4 dream:  Trying to get to restroom. Climb over some wooden busts in courtroom, taking attention away from the speaker.

December 4 dream:  Am taking care of little girl. She’s very trusting. I love her. She loves me. She has a little yellow mark on her face. She says, “Is that something?” I say, “I don’t know.” I’m carrying her and accidentally knock her head against something. I’m about to tell her, “Don’t think because I’m an adult that I know everything. I’m mostly just as much in the dark as you are.”

December 3, 2020:  Online work. EMDR session with Dr. Hirschfield at 2:30. I knew I trusted him as soon as I saw him on screen. Relived memory of my father and I in his bed when I was 9 years old. Takeaway: My resolve to never have anything to do with him again. Made me feel powerful. In’ til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Guy does donut at Mission and San Carlos Streets. Walk to G.P. See Sudoku on bench. Then on to G.C.P. Woman points out that two coyotes just went up the hill. Usually they stay downhill. Several murders of crows. Try my new London Fog drink at Starbucks. It seems okay. Kaleb there. #43 home.

December 3, 2020:  In cafeteria line. Maynard G. Krebs there.

December 2, 2020:  Get up early at about 8ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then to G.P. Then to G.C.P. Search online for Starbucks drink. Find a solution: London Fog, my old drink before COVID. Made me feel really happy. Starbucks Portola. #43 home. SF Berniecrats at 6:30 p.m. John F. and Mary L. there.

December 2 dream:  Alex G. is remodeling his apartment (kind of a rabbit hole) in an old apartment building. I say to him, “It kind of feels like Thane is here but not here.”

December 2 dream:  Gay couple on 5th floor of apartment on Geary. Also green murky pool on 5th floor. Guy says I am to take his cooking course.

December 2 dream:  Trump about to address the nation. He looks younger and fitter and happier and cockier.

December 2 dream:  Standing in line with woman who wants to know if she can do comedy and DJ. I say, “As far as I know.” I ask he where she has done comedy before. She says, “At some funeral.”

December 2 dream:  Getting ready to masturbate. Harriet walks in. I say, “Hello, Mother.”

December 1, 2020:  Bills. Walk to mailbox. See really attractive guy in white pants and white shirt with little black fanny pack on his cute little fanny. I follow him to downstairs W.F. Then go to mailbox. Stop by W.F. again. See my guy in grocery department. Go up to him and ask about what he’s doing. When I finish, he says, “So long.” I repeat, “So long.” (*Relates to hawk circling on Ocean Avenue hier, I believe.) Go home. Finish monthly BB. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Talk with Lee. Then G.C.P. Decide I can no longer do matcha lattes due to their effect on me. Am pissed about it. Feel like a spoiled child being denied something I really want. Get iced green tea at Starbucks. Then go to Creighton’s next door and talk to woman there for first time in many months. #43 home. Insight: My body problems of adaptability a microcosm of Earth’s problems of adaptability? Other insight: My father was at the apex of the American dream so he felt he had the right to do whatever he liked. Did I inherit some of that mentality? Watch Are You Being Served? Young Mr. Grace says, “My tea bag broke” (again).

December 1 dream:  Thane says, “At 17, I created my first menu.” I’m directly across from him in the back of the room, creating my own menu which is blank at the moment. He says those who are doing this are a very endangered species.

November 30, 2020:  Write “Look up, look up, look up!” blog in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. See hawk circling three times at the 7-11. Then walk to M.S. Talk with my Asian afro friend. Then Starbucks. Anthony there. Wasn’t able to talk with him just like I wasn’t able to talk with my Asian afro friend hier. #43 home. AT&T calls. Wants me to call back during working hours, though they called me at about 8:30 p.m. Hear “passive/aggressive” mentioned in movie. Recall my dream of November 25. Realize I was passive/aggressive towards my father.

November 30 dream:  Visit my late brother’s son. He’s thrilled to see me. He grabs onto my leg.

November 30 dream:  Comforting my little brother.

November 30 dream:  Am given a “press pass.”

November 29, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Pass my Asian afro friend without comment. Talk with my homeless friend. Then walk home via Mt.D. Insight: Realize I remained mad at my father for rejecting me as his lover. My attraction to him? He was a great provider. Later in p.m. accidentally spray my eyes with chemical. I ask myself, “Now what does this mean?” Then remembered Oedipus story. When Oedipus realizes what he has done, he gouges his eyes out.

November 29 dream:  Audition to replace crazy naked guy. Some were just beautiful. One had a sling to hold up his long dick.

November 29 dream:  Go out with a bunch of older people. Have trouble being included in the conversation. Can’t wait to get to my family dinner at 7:30. One of the older persons was at the final presentation of Gore as the nominee.

November 29 dream:  Go to get haircut at outdoor venue. About 30 of us sitting down. Bob Krell there. I think, “I can come back at another time.”

November 29 dream:  In Paris. Lots of cute boys around. Leave gum on post. I think, “If I’m ever in Paris again, maybe it’ll still be there.”

November 28, 2020:  Translation workshop at 9 a.m. Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Beautiful Middle-Eastern guy smiles at me in front of remodeled Fog Lifter Cafe. Feel very comfortable on the south side of Ocean (not my usual route). Then see somebody on north side. Reluctantly cross street and almost miss cute cyclist on south side. Run into guy who had a “Vote” mural on his van. I tell him how successful he was. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. I talk about Anthony. Down Teresita to Safeway. Wave to Pete. Nice-looking Asian construction work greets me at Safeway. I wonder, “Do I know him?” Later comment as he’s choosing which beer to buy. Compliment woman cashier on her ruby red wedding ring. Guy talking on his cellphone on Frida Kahlo saying, “Mucho dinero. Millones.”

November 28 dream:  In funny hotel one woman goes to see Norma Keller. Me and the other woman go off to visit guy who can wrap things up for us.

November 28 dream:  For petty reasons, one guy trying to hold up roomful of people trying to meet.

November 28 dream:  Rush to water’s edge to interview somebody. Scott Shafer of KQED wants to interview me. I say, “No I can’t.” He says, “As soon as you can, I’ll hold a spot for you.” I give him a thumb’s up.

November 28 dream:  At kid’s park, Tom C. with lots of young kids. Get stuck and panicky on brick wall on way up. Then okay. Then Jerry Seinfeld gives stand-up routine. Carol C. there. Lauren S. as well. He doesn’t say much.

November 28 dream:  Go to nurse AOC for pains in my sides.

November 27, 2020:  View YT video about “Creating New Memories.” AT&T man stops by again. Wires are now connected properly. Other repairmen to return next week. (*Relates to memory of my father and my scheduled EMDR session on Thursday?) Bad-smelling man smell in kitchen. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. #43 home. No Prosperos Round Table today.

November 27 dream:  Going up escalator over tunnel which is being spread with gas and fire in a military drill, I think. We go up. See Broadway production going on to our right. One of the guys with us is very drunk. Someone asks me to help the woman he was with to take care of him. (h.o.)

November 27 dream:  Guy trying to get on S.F. bus but is not a resident of the whole city, just his district. I try too. Big demonstration. Woman trying to sell anti-city flags. AIDS Treatment News.

November 27 dream:  Lots of half-naked men and women in black run thru lobby of grant hotel. I win lots of gifts, prizes. Woman says one of the guys will cut a piece for SNL. Other woman says I have to go ’cause I have to move my car. I think, “I don’t have a car.”

November 27 dream:  In library, one guy chases after another. Guy with bag of somebody else’s stuff puts it right next to me. Several people come running to claim it. Then others join me in my arts & crafts project.

November 26, 2020:  Sarah calls in a.m. We have virtual Thanksgiving. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. I’m very happy. Think I’ve put together what my father did to me. Buy turkey TV dinner at Ezzy-Freezy. Walk up to Starbucks Portola. They just closed. Walk down to Starbucks W.P. Cute guy behind counter. K home. Driver asks me where I want to get off. I say, “Lee.” He passes Lee so I get off at next stop. Nuke my Thanksgiving dinner. It’s okay-ish.

November 26 dream:  Spend night in gay bath house. Some really cute guys come in. I wake up. Guy advises me to sleep on top of something to guard it. See photo of Alley Sheedy on back of law degree diploma. I pick it up and say, “I just wanted to read about what Alley Sheedy was up to.” I say to Janet C., “Did you just graduate?” She says, “Yeah.” Everyone in circle congratulates her. I’m guessing she still has to take the bar exam. (*Relates to me and the memory of my father and my upcoming EMDR?)

November 26 dream:  Guy I work with says we’ll be out of the building by January.

November 25, 2020:  AT&T guy stops by in a.m. Has to call 2nd guy to finish job. Take nap. 2nd guy comes. He can’t finish the job either. Wires not connected right. Sarah calls. Then Dr. Hirschfield calls and we set up appointment for me to try EMDR online next Thursday. Walk to 7-11 and back. Then W.F. Lots of shoppers. Listen to more of The Body Keeps the Score. Memory: Feeling of not being sure what I look like.

November 25 dream:  Being with some girls I liked and Tom O. Walking back, Tom wanted a souvenir of the underpants I was wearing then. I resisted.

November 25 dream:  Guy telling what happened in early June won’t get to the point.

November 25 dream:  Driving north with two women friends. We almost take wrong turn. Then stop at modern rest stop. They serve Indian food but you have to search for it. Lots of bread but only one piece of meat. It hadn’t been taken so I thought of taking it.

November 25 dream:  Arriving in strange village in the morning, but the sky seems to be darkening. I walk up steep ramp with no railing. Hear other voices so I assume it’s okay.

November 25 dream:  Thane refers to me as passive/aggressive, I think.

November 25 dream:  Something happens on Wednesday.

November 25 dream:  Someone gives me John Knowles invoice. I say, “It’s not mine.” They insist I keep it.

November 24, 2020:  Up early. Do online work. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Beautiful young man sitting in car with door open, smoking. On to library. Then G.P. See Sudoku on bench. Walk thru G.C.P. Talk with my Asian with afro greeter friend at M.S. Mau (meaning “cat” in Cantonese) at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Stiver on arriving home? Listen to more of The Body Keeps the Score. Insights: Wanting to become powerful can be a response to humiliation.

November 24 dream:  I keep on ironing something even though old lady wants me to stop and laughs at me.

November 24 dream:  It’s daylight with the same cast of characters. Bill Floyd there.

November 23, 2020:  Shits in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Post office line too long. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. See Anthony for first time since October 30, 2020. It was great to see him again. He had been away visiting his family in Ontario, CA. And I was wearing my TYT Pride T-shirt like I had hoped he’s see on October 31. Listen to more of The Body Keeps the Score. Author is talking about EMDR. Later watch Law & Order U.K. and they are talking about EMDR as well. So I make appointment with therapist to try EMDR for my memories with my father.

November 23 dream:  Our sherpa is taking us to places we don’t want to go: on a ship whose captain is not welcoming and to a wrestling match.

November 23 dream:  Put money and keys in picket with hole in it. Recover most of money, but go back outside to find keys. Guy says, “I know what you’re looking for” and gives me beautiful painted egg. Other guy talks about drugs.

November 22, 2020:  Had two waffles with sugar-free syrup in a.m. Side pain came back. RHSed my father all day. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola. Then on to Safeway. Alan there when I walk in. Then, when I was ready to check out, he had left. But I did get to speak with Isaac. Bought pumpkin pie. #43 home.

November 22 dream:  Another opportunity to vote for Bernie. I’d have to get an operation on my nose like Bob M. (h.o.)

November 22 dream:  Man’s daughter is flying off somewhere. The jet engines seem to be following the plane rather than attached to it.

November 22 dream:  On train. Then go to model city/robot making place. Find a desk and a seat. Ask my co-worker, “Do you know what we’ll be doing?” She says, “Oh, yes. And there will be plenty of work.”

November 21, 2020:  Tough night last night. Translation group in a.m. Do online work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library, RHSing along the way. Realize my dissociation when my father approached me sexually may relate not only to other sexual opportunities in my life but also has been a general pattern of behavior in any situation of danger or adventure in my life. I simply dissociate. Thane’s comment to Karen Dahlquist and me at the Inner Space Center, “That’s right, Karen, force him to make a decision.” Always wondered what that meant, but how can I make a decision when I’m dissociating? See $100 in play money on Diamond Street in G.P. just like the $100 I found on January 25, 2020. On to G.C.P. Then M.S. My hot grocery clerk with long black hair and tight black pants. Also Asian greeter outside with afro. Starbucks Portola. #43 home.

November 21 dream:  Joe Biden will be able to adopt me if he sees me three more times and brings me some sort of present at night. Later I’m moving in with several of my girl cousins. One says at group table, “I can be a dictator.” I say, “We can all be a dictator.”

November 21 dream:  Go to building for event. Meet girl manager of building. After, run into her on my way out. I ask her out ’cause she seemed to expect me to.

November 21 dream:  At resto, guy says to guy I like, “So, are you happy?” My guys ays, “I was happy.”

November 21 dream:  Stay late at work today (10 p.m.). Doing something I really enjoy. I am about to leave. Some attorneys about to leave also. Take long pee, impatiently. Can’t figure how to turn off radio.

November 21 dream:  I was running and jumping on the sidewalks of N.Y. really happy ’cause I’d made a personal breakthrough. Trying to return ancient Greek statue to 144 Argonaut Lane in lower Manhattan. They were like totem poles. Character at the bottom of one of the totems was a man in a modern suit.

November 20, 2020:  Insight: My desire for fame another way to get away from my father? In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Turn right on Miramar, following cute guy walking his dog. Walk up to Mt.D. Three guys on path having a picnic. I turn around to get a better look. One guy very excited to see me. I almost trip. (*Relates to distant hawk from hier?) On to CVS. Pat there. We talked a bit. Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. there. He and wife are moving to Portugal in a few months. Listen to more of The Body Keeps the Score. Insight: child sexual abuse can lead to unexplained pain.

November 20 dream:  Am taking photos. Then take break and forget my camera. Pass by slogan from USS Missouri. Remember that’s Thane’s ship. Rush back to get my camera.

November 20 dream:  Jerry Seinfeld and I may take $27 course on “getting back into comedy.” Others there eating burgers, one very raw.

November 20 dream:  At N.Y. movie theater. Big guy in front of me speaking his own dialogue over the movie. I ask him to stop. He doesn’t. I move down to near stage. Jon Stewart and other comedians there. Then I’m in a N.Y. office building. I’m trying to leave. Old man who is guest of honor is not feeling well.

November 20 dream:  Double green light.

November 20 dream:  Man being stripped and thrown into clear swimming pool.

November 19, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Buy Xmas cards at W.P. Cute young salesman turned out to be son of owner. Attends Georgetown pre-med. Thinks a lot of himself. Walk out. Decide to buy 2021 calendars as well with another sales person. Get “Perfect” afterwards. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there. Distant hawk at Mt.D. #43 home. Listen to more of The Body Keeps the Score audiobook. Insights: I disassociate when sexual opportunities arise just like I did when my father approached me. Also: My side pain began shortly after my father died in 1996 and is, in effect, my father reminding me that he’s still “on my back.”

November 19 dream:  Me and my supervisor taking out the horrible possibility of losing AOC to another part of the country.

November 19 dream:  See Chris H., Livia, and others I haven’t seen in a while, at gathering.

November 19 dream:  Women’s Equality Day.

November 19 dream:  Poster of Marilyn Monroe. We’re trying to decide where to put it.

November 18, 2020:  In ’til 12:30ish. Go to Castro for dental appointment. After walk thru Castro. Things look bad and boarded up. Pass by J’s bar and kind of wave inside. Walk down street. Talk to resto owner about his attractive parklet. (*Relates to two falls from hier?) Walk up Market. M.S. Then Starbucks Portola. Cyclist at cross walk. Then #43 home. Anonymous call. Listen to video and online audio book about physical pain from trauma.

November 18 dream:  The voice speaking to us wants us to become owners and managers instead of just followers. Now that anything seems possible I am trying to get the clock on the wall to move its hands. But it was very small and I wanted people to notice it. (h.o.)

November 18 dream:  Going out to fancy resto with Marilyn D. and other classmates. We try to pay bill. Manager says it’s too late to pay him. We have to pay elsewhere. Marilyn sweet talks him. She also has a lot of money. I chip in a dollar for some extra expense. Get look from male friend that it’s too little.

November 18 dream:  Going back into work. Look at beautiful mountains with waves on top of them. Woman and man touch hands. I think of wonderful conversation I had with someone. Think my relationship with J is over. Then remember I just made connection with him hier. Almost slip into water under sculpture. Grab onto sculpture’s butt.

November 18 dream:  See “the cause of your pain” in dictionary.

November 18 dream:  Magazine on old guys. Agile baby chick with big pussy.

November 17, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Kind of rainy day. I wait for guy walking out of W.F. Later he slow walks and grabs his ass. Walk to Excelsior library. Slip on wet sidewalk. Almost fall but don’t. On to G.P. Lee not there. Walk thru G.C.P. Slip again. Almost slip and fall but manage to walk away without getting my pants dirty. On to Starbucks Portola with muddy hands. #43 home.

November 17 dream:  Woman allows me to sit in on piano audition. She lays on the floor. I sit on it.

November 17 dream:  Sitting with the big “quiet.” Many guys in the back room. The others were in the front room. Looking out at bottom of huge tree with many little trees growing under it. The tree, though, is only 37 years old.

November 16, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. talking with Sarah on the phone while I’m walking. Starbucks Portola. #43 home. A lot of Translating due to pain in my sides. Mutation: video in p.m. about trauma. (*Relates to first dream of November 15?)

November 16 dream:  Volunteering at a fair hoping someone promotes their product. Maybe poison in some of the cotton buds.

November 16 dream:  Headed towards the laundromat which is open from 6-8 p.m. Dirty hippy tries to block car in street for a while.

November 15, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Looking for Xmas cards. Bookstore closed. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Get in wrong line, trying to avoid obnoxious hetero couple, but miss Alan as a result. RHS God re: my side pain.

November 15 dream:  Woman realizes boyfriend is setting up holiday in paradise for her on September 15 ’cause that’s the day he’ll be in court for something he wants to hide. She and her new boyfriend decide to go on their own. Company now running started in 2016 by criticizing conservative political party it once supported.

November 15 dream:  Starting work at new company. Some people I’ve worked with before. Strange but safe place. Not much work to do yet. I did do two letters.

November 14, 2020:  Zoom Translation group at 9 a.m. Bulent, Sarah, Ugur, etc. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior. Then G.P. Lee outside liquor store talking to older man. Walk thru G.C.P. Then follow guy to run into Pat just getting off work at CVS. Then Kaleb at Starbucks. Really nice MUNI driver on #43 home.

November 14 dream:  Organizing a big fundraiser. Sarah is underwriter, though not financially.

November 14 dream:  Still organizing this event.

November 14 dream:  Trying to get myself and some Xmas decorations out of a spider-web covered basement window. Al H. there, too.

November 13, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk outside. It’s rainy/misty. I walk down Ocean to buy paper at Walgreens and matcha latte at Target. Then walk back to W.F. Woman greeter says the front door is now open and more or less insists I use it. Run into beautiful black guy with “Dartmouth” T-shirt. Got in line behind him. He pretended to be straight. AT&T calls. I think it’s a crank call. (*Relates to last dream of November 10?) Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. My dream about Tom C. was really about Al H? (*Relates to 2nd dream of November 11?)

November 13 dream:  All but proven that guy (Tom O.?) lied. Everyone is going on to next thing.

November 13 dream:  Have discussion about resuming relations with Britain. “I mean, France is updated, but England . . .”

November 12, 2020:  In ’til 2:30. Appointment with eye doctor in W.P. No change in prescription from last year. Two or three anonymous calls. Cute Asian guy in shorts on W.P. Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Shits on getting home about 5ish.

November 12 dream:  Inviting new guests for dinner. Have to stretch the meatloaf. The living room table is set for one.

November 12 dream:  Decide to leave East Bay party in old warehouse. Don’t have a ride but run into Danette Valdez from DOJ and she offers me a ride to Katy Katy’s. I say, “Sure.” There are bathroom signs saying “dentists” and “meditators.” She says she is a meditator. I say, “I’m afraid I am too.”

November 12 dream:  In auditorium full of people at card tables. Guy walking around looking for serial killer. Gets to me. Things look good. Then he reverses himself and looks at some sort of chemicals and says I could never be one. Feel relief.

November 12 dream:  I’m taking shower while my cute new friend reads my talk aloud. Then he gets in and takes a shower.

November 11, 2020:  Anonymous call at 2 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Second anonymous call about 3:30 Walk down Ocean to Portola to W.P. Up Ulloa. Talk to woman with broken ceramic bowls in her front garden. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola #43 home. Talk with young man who was a fencer, in the back of the bus. (*Relates to hawks from hier, I think.) Berniecrats at 6:30 p.m.

November 11 dream:  Living in house with Nancy, Laurie and Tom O., trying to account for all the empty bottles.

November 11 dream:  Tom C and two others pretend we’re singing like we used to in Prosperos performance. Tom is leaning up against me and laughing and looking all thin and beautiful. One minute I want to kill him ’cause he’s so beautiful. Next I want to take care of him and prevent anyone from harming him.

November 11 dream:  My right toenail falling off.

November 11 dream:  Meet young blond guy who likes me and vice versa.

November 11 dream:  Planning on going to class later with Baba M., but he disappears. On Navy base. See white poles amid the building for quick evacuations.

November 10, 2020:  Put my post “Are conservatives just unevolved liberals?” on BB update. Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Cute guy walks by smiling. Walk to G.P. Skateboarder at Monterey & Circular. (*Relates to hawk and two crows from hier, I think.) G.P. Then G.C.P. Hawk at apex, pretty close. Then 2nd hawk. Later on Amber Street a 3rd hawk. Starbucks Portola. #43 home.

November 10 dream:  Me trying to add up some numbers in the dark. Woman looking over my shoulders.

November 10 dream:  I tell fellow female co-worker, “My mother, I mean, my step-mother, is going to work where I(?) used to work.”

November 10 dream:  Thriller War: old movie comes to life. Even empty cereal box joined in as a weapon.

November 10 dream:  First day on the job as legal secretary in N.Y. Later I’m going out to lunch.

November 10 dream: Crowd laughs at me. I run into Tom O. We go to store he likes. It’s raining hard.

November 9, 2020:  Tough night last night. Up early. Sarah calls in a.m. Submit BB post on “Are conservatives just unevolved liberals?” to SF Berniecrats. Nap. VA alls at 4 p.m. Will schedule “minor” operation (on my scrotum). Walk down Ocean. Some nasty skateboarders just outside main entrance to apartment building. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to Starbucks. #43 home. Nasty black woman sitting across from me. She got all happy when I got up and left my seat. (*Relates to reaction from SF Berniecrats?) Burrito at W.F. Cute worker there showed me where to get one even thought I already knew.

November 9 dream:  Taking multiple choice test. Really anxious for it to finish. Throw something at friend to get his attention. I don’t.

November 9 dream:  Making an inventory of things for the move.

November 9 dream:  Trying to get past playful female lion. I did it easily when I didn’t know she was there.

November 8, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Searching high and low for a Sunday Chronicle. Walk up Ulloa. Hawk followed by two crows. The crows flew off just as the hawk flew over me. CVS. Starbucks Portola. Down Teresita to Safeway. Get $3 change to buy paper from rack. #43 home. Rush out to look for Chron in racks. No luck on Ocean. Walk up Miramar. Cute guy at corner smiles at me with his eyes. I smiles back with mine. (*Relates to hawk from Diamond Heights Blvd. hier, I believe.) Stop by two more places on Monterey looking for paper. No luck. Walk home. Did a lot of Translating. Conclusion: “I am the one infinite all-inclusive Self found.”

November 8 dream:  Coming home from work at night, my next door neighbor Zoë R. says young man next do her needs a place to stay for a while.

November 8 dream:  In N.Y. at my new live-in job working for music industry mafia-type guy. It’s my first day and i’m really tired.

November 8 dream:  My car slides off the bed into the closet. There are two gifts for my two other brothers from my father just like he gave me.

November 8 dream:  Sister Laurie and I go off to her cafe. I decide I’m going to go to my brother Tom’s Advance Seminar class. Feel very happy about that. Take very large piece of cake downstairs and plop it in front of my friend David. My father there, too. I’m looking for coffee.

November 7, 2020:  9 a.m. Translation workshop. Bulent’s young son Alp and I give each other thumbs up. Do online work. Get excited about Biden win. Then moment of intense, unexpected, anger in kitchen. Take nap. Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then to G.P. Liquor store out of papers. Buy Chron from rack across the street. Drop dime. Old Asian lady picks it up for me. On to G.C.P. See “Nothing but Love” on Arbor Street. See hawk on Diamond Heights Boulevard. Family to young girl: “We’re going this way.” Me: “Looks like she’s going that way.” Hawk at apex of G.C.P. Friendly poodle runs towards me. Girl on crutches on rugged trail. I say, “Must be hard to walk this trail on crutches.” She says, “Yes, but it’s worth it.” Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. Go to burrito place. I think burrito lady likes me. Makes me uncomfortable. Near accident as car speeds through red light at Laguna Honda Boulevard. Murder of crows nearby. #43 home. Listen to Harris/Biden speeches.

November 7 dream:  In New York, staying at apartment, hanging out with Chris H-type friend who may be dying. He brings with him the book(s) he’s written. Says he wants to help em publish my book. I don’t know what to do with my life. Maybe I’ll just take the tour bus every a.m. ’til I figure it out.

November 7 dream:  Washing my clothes and putting them in drying in same machine. Others at laundromat trying to squelch those who are rumor-mongering about something.

November 6, 2020:  Up early to see election results. YAY! Post “Are conservatives just unevolved liberals?” Take shower. Fantasize about John calling me. Then he calls me. Shits about 3ish. Sarah likes my BB post via BB comment. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola. Up to burrito place. Kaleb and big crowd at Starbucks Portola. Xmas décor already up. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. and 12 others there. Anonymous call at 8:30 p.m.

November 6 dream:  Woman at work or school sets up department of feelings where we can write more effectively about them. I ask her if I can talk to her. She says, “No, not now.”

November 5, 2020:  Up early to see election results. YAY! Post “Are conservatives just unevolved liberals?” Take shower. Fantasize about John calling me. Then he calls me. In ’til 3ish. Finish video “Are conservatives just unevolved liberals?” Walk to Excelsior library. See Alvin from S.F. Berniecrats on Ocean Avenue just outside Avalos H.Q. Then as I’m passing H.Q. have nice connection with young man inside (*Relates to hawk on Casitas from hier, I think.) Continue to library. Then cute guy at G.P. liquor store. Then home owner on Amber Drive who is heading my direction and suddenly turns around, leaving his door open as I pass by. I take it as an invitation. But also an insult. (*Relates to my father doing a similar thing with me?) Murder of crows over Tower Market shopping center. M.S. Starbucks Portola. Ate chocolate brownie ’cause things were going so well. Felt pain afterwards. #43 home.

November 5 dream:  Film industry opening up again after big climax earlier. Lots of green grass.

November 5 dream:  Going to class wishing I had finished my assignment. Noting different bodies of water have different surface patterns.

November 4, 2020:  Get up early at 7ish. Work online. Take a nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Miramar to Mt.D. Sole hawk on Casitas. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. Record BB video #5: “Are Conservatives Just Unevolved Liberals?”

November 4 dream:  Massaging my leg on Treasure Island on way to get paid. (h.o.)

November 4 dream:  Me and Tom going up to the 9th floor. I have on his gray suit with a red tie. Also something prickly and sickly in my mouth I try to take out. Also I’m bleeding slightly.

November 3, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Cute skateboarder with his girlfriend at San Jose and Ocean. Walk to G.P. No Lee. Walk thru G.C.P. Cute, well-built jogger lets me pass and says, “Thank you.” Car with No. 33 on it. M.S. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Prosperos election night Zoom. Shahid Zoom.

November 3 dream:  Trump supporter pours black oil into drain. It begins to come out the other side.

November 3 dream:  I/we are moving out of big storage area. We surprise Mom. I break big earthen planter but didn’t like it much any way.

November 2, 2020:  Up “early” at 8 a.m. Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola up to CVS. See short, dark and handsome skateboarder on the way. Of the 5 or 6 skateboarders, he was the one I connected with. Pat not at CVS. Anthony not at Starbucks. #43 home.

November 2 dream:  Small memorial service for 33 young men who died in the war. I and others were sobbing. Later I invited myself along to an outing. One of the guys was a brother to Cliff Hurley who I knew at Oregon State.

November 2 dream:  Voice calling out to “Madame” as I’m in the backyard of some house with partially dead lawn.

November 1, 2020:  Bills. Monthly BB. McD’s. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. #43 to Safeway. Israel not there. Alan is. #43 home. From Are You Being Served?: Sometimes people have out-of-body experiences when they are sleeping. Also: Young Mr. Grace’s T-bag broke.

November 1 dream:  Some prize people came by the house. My parents were desperately trying to keep them out. Then when they got in, it was like everyone was glad to see them. I told Harriet, “I don’t know what this is all about so I’m going to take a walk.” She smiles.

November 1 dream:  Dating Bus comes for next leg of the trip. I’m rushing to get soap out of tube soap.

November 1 dream:  Guy (Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory) being escorted away by four undercover cops on Market Street, S.F. Then he runs. Someone grabs his wig. Then just two cops remain. He makes another escape attempt. I join the undercover cops.

October 31, 2020:  Translation workshop in a.m. Sense testimony: “Tribalism creates a threatening environment.” Calvin responds to my email about the black actors in “Gone With The Wind.” (*Relates to 2nd dream of October 3, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Got my “Pride” TYT T-shirt in mail. Walk to copy shop. It’s closed. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Beautiful male cyclist on Circular Avenue. No Lee at G.P. liquor store. Then G.C.P. Change shirt midway, hoping to see Anthony again at Starbucks Portola while wearing my Pride T-shirt. Anthony not there. Kaleb smiles at me. #43 home. Stop by Beep’s. Adoré not there.

October 31 dream:  My operation is postponed. I see fires breaking out in my kitchen.

October 30, 2020:  Up early. Do work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. See “Lucky.” See Anthony at Starbucks Portola. He’s really happy to see me. He says: “I like your T-shirt.” I have to look to see what T-shirt I am wearing. It’s my Frisco T-shirt. I say: “No Kaleb today?” He says: “He’s on a break.” (*Relates to hawk & crow from October 28?) #43 home. Another guy likes my T-shirt. Go home. Then to Pakwan to meet up with cute guy who is not there when I get there, thought he does show up shortly. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30. Tom C. there. Also Al H. (*Relates to coyote from hier?) Wonderful meeting.

October 30 dream:  I need to save something from cat box with cat in it. Suzanne D. said I did it before. She feeds it a small bird. Then I stick my hand in. It gets bloody but I retrieve something. Black friend stops by. We have to walk thru 4” deep water. He doesn’t want to ruin his shoes but goes ahead anyhow.

October 30 dream:  About to leave thru door. Big bully stops us. Later we are on the other side but he may be the same guy.

October 30 dream:  Rent small car. Someone tries to replace the battery on the phone. Then several people try to sell me on their miniature sauna. It smells like a sauna but it’s only about an inch wide.

October 29, 2020:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee at liquor store. Go to G.C.P. I am RHSing my relationship with John. Realize my relationship with John mirrors my relationship with my father: that I was totally dedicated to my father regardless of how he may or may not have reciprocated. See coyote in G.C.P. Then Kaleb at Starbucks with 5 or 6 of his friends. #43 home. (*Shits from October 27 relate to John reading this online diary today?)

October 29 dream:  In England, paying my taxes in advance. Still in trouble though, I think.

October 29 dream:  Dream about my book.

October 28, 2020:  Anonymous call. (*Relates to shits from hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Skateboarder on Ocean: “We’ve got to make sure it’s true.” G.P. No Lee. Walk to G.C.P. Hawk and crow at Arbor Street. Woman on phone saying: “Right.” See same man on Amethyst Way that I saw hier at the same time and place. Today I talk with him. He seems very nice. Walk to Market via Duncan. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Three “wild” women in back seat mention “Evan.”

October 28 dream:  Worried we have lots of bread crumbs and blood under the table. The authorities are on their way over to inspect. I blow away a dust ball. Struggle to get up.

October 28 dream:  Yelling to “New York” about something. Someone says It may not do any good but it makes you feel better. Guy gives us car(?) and trunk with big punch bowl and two unopened bottles of something and two large glasses.

October 28 dream:  I’m stapling together two thick bunches of documents for The Prosperos. Go to ask Clair Gold what to do with small note pad. She says, “Give it to the boss’s boss.” And that The Prosperos is in the pink. Me and another guy notices office smells smoky. We are in a high-rise building.

October 28 dream:  Document about woman who faxes to . . . .

October 28 dream:  Losing my big toe nail.

October 27, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Cute guy returning a book. Go to G.P. Walked by black guy. See “triple take” in store window. So I do a triple take of him. Lee not at liquor store. See Sudoku guy on local G.P. bench. Walk thru G.C.P. feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Walk into the woods and take a shit. Use Chron sports page to wipe my ass. Starbucks Portola. Just miss #43. Then another one comes along in about a minute. Spill matcha latte on entering. Woman passenger says, “Don’t worry.” See Evan on Portola Drive as we pass by him.

October 27 dream:  I mislay my mask along with what I was eating. Not many are wearing masks. I wonder if this is how it ends, with people just not wearing masks any more. I find what I had been eating but not my mask. Cute, friendly guy confirms what I had been eating.

October 27 dream:  Trump is running for reelection as Mayor of S.F. and he’s doing better than we thought he would.

October 26, 2020:  Wake up early. Take nap at 1ish. Get call from “Private Number.” (*Relates to 3 hawks over Mt.D. hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Hear cat having sex in alleyway. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Then down Teresita to Safeway. Strange Spanish-speaking homeless guy as I was leaving. #43 home. Feel bad about Amy Coney Barrett. Then realize I was really feeling bad about the “Private Number” call. Got me so excited that I had a hard time getting to sleep.

October 26 dream:  Was going to move in with guy. Then he decides to maybe move back in with his older male lover. Me checking out woman across the street who was nearly naked.

October 25, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue to W.P. Sunday papers sold out at 3 places ’til I reach my final store. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. See Evan (or at least the back of Evan) as I leave M.S. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. 3 hawks soaring over Mt.D. #43 home.

October 25 dream:  Lots of confusion at work as to who should be doing what. Boss says to me, “Well, do something.” I’m trying to figure out what needs to be done.

October 25 dream:  Everything had been moved away but my slat of “land.”

October 25 dream:  Visiting San Anselmo. Trying to back Leigh’s car out of parking structure. Brakes don’t work.

October 24, 2020:  Translation workshop in a.m. William Fennie presented. It was wonderful workshop. In ’til 3ish. Two shits before leaving. Walk to Excelsior library. Really nice librarian guy with dancing eyes, which caught me off guard. Then slight Asian guy tucking in his pants on Mission. Walk to G.P. Lee at liquor store. We speak of SF Chronicle music critic Joshua Kosman, who he reads. I tell him I read the column he wrote about the possibility of doing an opera based on the life of Donald Trump like the opera they did on Nixon. Lee enjoyed that. Walk to G.C.P. Crazy squirrel on Turquoise Way. Then Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Child with family calls out as I reach home, “Hey, can you play with us?” Shits again on getting home. Write “The word ‘dean'” BB blog in p.m.

October 24 dream:  Meet girl at mall. She wants to date me (in addition to her current boyfriend). At first I don’t think so. Then when I see her (she was on my back before), I get kind of turned on. Guy there I know.

October 24 dream:  Writing something for Kamala’s VP candidate?

October 24 dream:  Tom C., me, Karen Porter and other woman all do psychodrama. It cost $400 each. Tom said he paid his own money. I said I did also. We all ride home together.

October 24 dream:  John comes over mad about me asking him to wear flip-flops. He’s barefoot. I say, “I don’t care what you wear.” He sits cross-legged on chair. He has on short-shorts and not much else. I say, “You look like you’re ready to have sex.”

October 23, 2020:  Up “early” at 9 a.m. Finish online work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior. Hot skateboarder at Alemany & Ocean. See “Stay Home.” Continue to G.P. Lee not at liquor store. On to G.C.P. Guy with hat and mask on looks at me. (*Relates to hawk and crows from hier?) Then M.S. Then Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. Cute Asian guy crossing Portola Drive. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. not there.

October 23 dream:  Working indoors in fancy house with female lion and cat who got up and left the room in a toy car when I and somebody else stated walking around. Other wild cats, but not dangerous, left to come with us. I had run out of work to do. Was given small assignment and jumped on it. Jim Renza there.

October 23 dream:  Someone asks me about the 7 p.m. meditation I started.

October 23 dream:  Belong to group which was trying to help people with AIDS. One guy said he had AIDS. So I said that some people take AZT. So we passed out AZT to everyone there. I said there may be some side effects. We went around the room. I said, “My name is Michael Zonta. I’m a former member of Occupy San Francisco and a current member of Occupy San Francisco.” Other people in the group raised their hands as well. I said that I edited two, no, three websites though I was having trouble remembering them.

October 23 dream:  Talking with bare-breasted woman saxophone player who really got into her music. I said, “I could watch you all day.” She had short gray hair. Could have been transexual. Delivery truck came as we were talking. And then she had a sweater on.

October 22, 2020:  Get up “early” at 8:30 a.m. Anonymous call about noon. Do online work. Buy TYT Pride T-shirt. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. See “Winner.” Don’t go to liquor store at G.P. ’cause I was following other cute guy at Diamond & Bosworth. Then walk thru G.C.P. thinking about Rosa Parks dream of 1995 indicating an end to my “games” with John. As I’m think of this, passing hiker says: “A little bit of a mistake on our part.” (*Relates to “Message from God” on October 21?) Realized maybe I was wrong about things coming to an end with John. Maybe they never will. I don’t know that i’d even want J. at this point. Diary of August 3 was misleading. John did not come over and we did not have sex. I was just playing with him as he is one of the few people who reads this diary.) See hawk with two crows. Cute guy on #43. I could only see his eyes but they were very inviting.

October 22 dream:  Bunch of young guys and me at U.N. Plaza. Then I go with one to McD’s. Then another comes in. Very cute. My friend dry-humps him.

October 21, 2020:  Get up “early” at 9 a.m. Do online work. Take nap from 1:45 to 2:45. In ’til 3ish. Shits just before I leave. Walk down Ocean. Up W.P. to Ulloa. Translating the word “vanity.” Beautiful young black man sitting on curb on Sydney Way. We greet each other. Get “Message from God” brochure at M.S. Kaleb and Anthony at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Word tracking “vanity” leads to the word “vacant.”

October 21 dream:  Bernie gets COVID along with some others. Some die. All that was left of them was their heads. Bernie still had a body and one leg. He falls to the ground on his foot. I kiss him on the mouth. He’s kind of like: OK, now what do we do? Liz Andrews there at last moment saying she’ll be at S.F. Airport.

October 21 dream:  Staying in one room apartment in Tapas Alley in NYC. Running out of my father’s money.

October 21 dream:  Standing on the back of a truck watching some sort of video which seemed to respond to my hand gestures and voice. Almost fall off at the end. My father there?

October 20, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Ocean to Portola. Think of moving into 2175 Market when I win the lottery. Guy on bicycle smiles at me. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. Down Teresita to Safeway. Worried Israel would be there but he wasn’t. Gave Isaac one of Jun’s cards. He said he couldn’t talk ’cause he had just had his wisdom teeth out. Got blank phone message at 4:38 p.m. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Have shits again when I got home around 5ish.

October 20 dream:  “Nice” woman returns to office and seems to threaten me.

October 19, 2020:  Bruce calls twice. Also Sarah calls. Hang-up call at about 3:05 p.m. (*Relates to hawk and crow on Ulloa from hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Starbucks. Feel “shitty.” Walk home . . . fast. Almost don’t make it. Then go to McD’s. Then mail Publisher’s Clearing House return. All set to win!

October 19 dream:  My boss advises me to send someone one of my dreams. And put cottage cheese and blue cheese dressing on it.

October 19 dream:  Kids put on production of “If you go into the woods today.” I really loved that song as a kid. I tried to write a comment afterwards. Aggressive real estate lady swept me off my feet. We danced. I said: “Real estate is a lot like show business.” She agreed.

October 19 dream:  Go to downtown store selling spheres of treated water. I drink some. Later at party I start to get loose.

October 19 dream:  Out on pier or boat with friends. I say: “What’s up?” Friend doesn’t answer. I get panicky, like I don’t know what to do. Decide to go home. Big floating Rolls Royce car almost tips over. Water becomes rough. I am stranded.

October 18, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Guy at corner of Ulloa and West Portal. Up Ulloa. Hawk and crow over Ulloa. Then Izzy at Starbucks Portola. Cyclist after. Bruce K. calls. #43 home.

October 18 dream:  At home alone in Saratoga house. Police believe I’m a murder suspect so are probably on their way. Leigh Barbier involved somehow.

October 18 dream:  People debating politely with each other.

October 18 dream:  Someone steels $5 from us ’cause we didn’t shut down properly last night. I say to guy: “Oh, well, we’ll be in Miami tomorrow.”

October 17, 2020:  Get up at 7 a.m. Translation workshop at 9 a.m. Later took nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Follow cute Filipino guy to his car parked on Cotter. Then on to G.P. Lee at liquor store. He told me he followed S.F. Chronicle music critic Joshua Kosman. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear loud birds. Bruce K. calls. Then M.S. Meet Evan, the greeter, on my way out. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. About to go camping in Russian River for two days. #43 home. Listen to Jordan Peterson’s Biblical Series No. 15 on “Joseph and his Coat of Many Colors.” Peterson says something like we should not be the kind of person who would NEVER do such a thing. We should strive to become the kind of person who would do such a thing but chooses not to.

October 17 dream:  I need to take a bus and then be airlifted in for an interview.

October 17 dream:  All 17 of us checked out of our bodies and into one body and attended a post-war business meeting.

October 17 dream:  Couple move into rambling house in Nails.

October 16, 2020:  Bruce K. calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee not at liquor store. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. Bruce calls again with update. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. there. Toward end Joe C. mentions Barry Goldwater’s campaign video from ’64. I ask him about it. Hanz says it’ll be in the BB tomorrow. I laugh and look at Tom C’s reaction, look for Tom C’s approval. (*Relates to Tom C. dream of October 13?)

October 16 dream:  Reading something aloud at work which didn’t make any sense but I’m the best reader they have.

October 15, 2020:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee not there. Walk thru G.C.P. Translating a lot. Pretty much alone in G.C.P. Then Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Sat with 5 or 6 skateboarders in the back of the bus. One who I didn’t see ’til the last second told me “Have a good one” as he exited. Insight: Getting mad at Church Street guy from Tuesday. Originally I thought it was me getting mad at him for taking sex so casually and being willing to do it at the drop of a hat, so to speak. Realized I was really mad at him exposing me for that exact same thing: taking sex so casually and being willing to do it at the drop of a hat. (*Relates to first dream of October 12 and to “Game Changer” from October 13?)

October 15 dream:  Refer to myself as “the church” in letter. As in “The church does not wish to see you at this time.” Doing dishes: my dishes and Bill Fennie’s dishes. Some still greasy. Need more room for dried dishes.

October 15 dream:  Trump giving small talk at church event. I’m sitting in back next to Melissa. It’s hot.

October 15 dream:  Someone says I’m not up to the job of sleeping thru the night. “Sex man” poster on the wall.

October 14, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to 7-11. Then to W.P. Then up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb and Anthony at Starbucks. I ask Kaleb: “Why didn’t you turn your hair green [like Anthony]?” Kaleb laughed. Anthony didn’t. Down Teresita to Jun’s salon. See Pete on the way. Read magazines while waiting for haircut. See “Picture Perfect” and “Comfort.” Have fun time with Jun. He wants me to spread the word about his salon. I agree to take four of his cards and give them to people. I say I probably won’t be able to convince too many people. He says: “Nothing is impossible!” Then go to Safeway. Israel there. I give him one of Jun’s cards. Also my phone number. (*Relates to flying dream of October 12, I think.)

October 14 dream:  Guy on other side provides us information.

October 14 dream:  People (including me) spend the day working on projects for The Prosperos.

October 14, 2020:  Trying to get business card with our address on it so we can pass it out to people.

October 13, 2020:  In ’til 1ish. Go to Civic Center to cast my vote. Walk back up Market on the way to visit Israel at Safeway. Feel sudden catch in my throat. Admire young man’s butt at Castro & Church. Later I realize catch in my throat was for him, as he was hanging around waiting for me to make my next move. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Continue up Market to Teresita. See: “Eventually,” “Game Changer” and “Perfect.” Down Teresita to Jun’s on Monterey. He’s busy so I tell him I’ll stop by tomorrow. Go to Safeway. Israel not there. So I leave. Walk to Starbucks Ocean Avenue. Get matcha latte and walk to W.F. Stop and gawk at very hot customer with tattooed cashier. Talk with Sara briefly. Then talk with tattooed cashier. Very nice guy.

October 13 dream:  Sitting across from Tom C. at long table. He says: “I knew it was the right place for me.” I said: “How did you know it was the right place?” Tom said: “I said FOR ME.” I said: “How did you know it was the right place for you?” He pounded a nail into his forearm and pushed it out with great force. Turning red. Then amber. He was playing, but forcefully.

October 13 dream:  Visit Harriet & Obe in Palm Springs. They live across the street from a girlie joint. Harriet says: “They do the whirly-twirly thing.” I laugh.

October 12, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Then up Ulloa. Find map of London in free book kiosk. This is something I had been looking for, which told me that the Universe knows what we want and will provide in its own time. Anthony at Starbucks Portola. Cute skateboarder smiling seductively as I wait for #43 home. Shits on getting home.

October 12 dream:  Suspect providing description of “victim.” (h.o.)

October 12 dream:  Three of us, including big tall guy, in small cockpit of small plane flying high in the sky. Later, big guy (with big dog) finally gets laid.

October 11, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Shits on leaving. Walk to W.P. Feel “shitty” so take K back. Matcha latte at Starbucks Ocean Avenue. Shits on arriving home about 4:30 p.m.

October 11 dream:  Go out to dinner with man and woman I’d never met before in nice area of East Bay. They had never met either. At end, they were talking to each other and woman was saying: “I can’t deal with all these lies.” I say: “I’ve got to go.” I leave without paying. Trying to walk fast but can’t.

October 10, 2020:  Translation workshop in a.m. Suzanne is a nut job. Do website work. Take nap. Shits at 2ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee at liquor store. Walk from G.C.P. to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Israel there looking and being beautiful. He gives me special $5 University discount. (*Realized later that Israel relates to the hawk from hier. And the crows related to the bag boy, who was inexplicably cold and rude to me as I was trying to talk with Israel.) #43 home.

October 10 nap dream:  Nap dream: Big crowd in our front yard. I say: “I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many people in our front yard–except maybe yesterday.” I walk thru indoor area with lots of unique S.F. features. Think I would miss this if I moved away. Expect to run in to J. or someone today.

October 10 dream:  Mother takes son to fancy store and teachers him how to shop.

October 10 dream:  I looked good but had a penis-shaped growth on my face.

October 10 dream:  At table with black guy and woman.

October 9, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Get side-tracked by cute guy. Follow him. Then go to Urbano. Hawk circling. Then two crows flying after him. Hawk lands in tree. Crows fly away. I hear but cannot see hawk. Walk thru W.P. Cute guy in hoodie at Ulloa and W.P. Go to Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. there. Laid back meeting.

October 9 dream:  Peeing at urinal with J. He pees on me. Later I pee back and say, “I love you.” Then try to take it back. He says: “You shouldn’t be drinking at your age.” (h.o.)

October 9 dream:  [Forgotten dream]

October 8, 2020:  Mary L. calls me back in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Walk behind same guy from August 20 to Hong Kong resto. Then cruise two guys in line for 24 Hour Fitness. Then cute guy on Aptos loading his truck. I say: “Can I help you?” He says: “I think I’ve go it.” On to W.P. Then up Ulloa. Talk to skateboarder who tells me of skatepark where Castro meets SOMA. Realize later he may have been coming on to me. On to CVS Portola. Afraid to see Pat. So I go anyway. He greets me at the door. We talk for about 20 minutes. Turns out he went to CCSF broadcasting school as well. He shared his LinkedIn address with me. Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Skateboarder still skating. Head to W.F. Very hot guy with revealing shorts on. I wolf-whistle. Then follow him. Group of 4 or 5 cops at Unity Plaza. I continue following him up steps to CCSF. He really seemed to disappear. Brad Chapin liked my Facebook comment about Harry Britt: “I’ve never seen him look happier.” Also Terry Beswick.

October 8 dream:  I drive in front of car so it doesn’t drive off bridge. Later someone saves me.

October 8 dream:  Thane comes to town. I get excited the way father is interacting with his young kids. Thane smiles. Later when he’s speaking he is someone younger. Then he leaves. Rick Thomas trying to make ice cream cat but knocks it down. Cathy Koslover there.

October 8 dream:  After night of drinking, older gay guy and and woman spend night together. Older white man says to other man about me: “No matter what happens, he is the boss. He is the boss.”

October 7, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Stomach butterflies just before guy walking into Wells Fargo at Ocean and Mission. Go to G.P. Cruise guy on Circular Avenue who doesn’t like it. Then cruise guy in G.P. liquor store who doesn’t like it. On to G.C.P. Older woman passes by me walking on Poppy Lane. Young boy at G.C.P. points out gecko to his family. He says it’s venomous. I say: “I never knew that.” Guy at apex of G.C.P. saying: “Maybe I’m wrong.” Coyote image on exiting G.C.P. (*Relates to my posting the Sunday Night Translation Group even without the sense testimony or conclusions?) M.S. Asked greeter there if he found the owner of the wallet hier. He did. Kaleb and Anthony at Starbucks Portola. Guy on Frida Kahlo I walked back to encounter. Berniecrats in p.m. Meet Brad Chapin online. He’s very cute. Reaching into my fridge later, bang my thumb against shelf. It’s like something pushed me. I think somebody was upset that I was getting so excited about meeting Brad Chapin.

October 6, 2020:  Get call from guy with heavy Indian accent who says he’s calling from Foster City, CA. He asks if I have a girlfriend. I tell him I have a boyfriend. Then it get sexual. Him: “Would you like me to fuck you in the ass?” I say: “That sounds fun.” (*Relates to shits from hier about 4 p.m, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee’s mother there. Then G.C.P. Guy with red handkerchief on. I say: “Looks like you’re getting ready to rob the stagecoach.” He laughs. Go to M.S. Try to get attention of male bagger without success. Other guy runs after me thinking I had left my wallet. Turns out it was not mine. Monica and Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. Young skateboarder on #43 home. Dr. Lee from VA Urology in p.m.

October 6 dream:  At Menlo Park house. Guy planning a surprise for me. I go into my parent’s room. It’s all set up to show a flash photo of a mock ticket office. But the flash didn’t go off. I was heading to our (Tom and my) back bedroom. Before: tracking series of videos.

October 6 dream:  Father going down on his young son.

October 6 dream:  Stand in line to get paid by the city. Wrong line. Before: Beginning to look like John H. in the mirror. Later I see Nina Turner.

October 6 dream:  Guy without legs to stand on tries to convince me of something.

October 5, 2020:  Sarah calls in a.m. VA calls at 1 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk Ocean to 7-11. Deep smiles at me. Walk up alleyway to Portola. Feel sudden “shitty” feeling Don’t know what to do. Then connect with gardener. Walk on to Portola. “Shitty” feeling worsens. Decide to take K home. Take K to Ocean and Judah. Get matcha latte at Starbucks Ocean Avenue. Walk home hurriedly. Barely make it to toilet.

October 5 dream:  House for sale for $550,000. I try to buy it. Female lion sits down nearby. I’m told it’s okay.

October 5 dream:  I was supposed to be at something that started four hours ago. Trying to take bath. Nancy and Laurie already running water. Harriet remarking on something as well.

October 4, 2020:  Post “BB Episode #4: I hope he dies from COVID” on YT. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Lee at liquor store. Not particularly happy to see me. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. I think posting BB episode was, in effect, me standing up to my father. Katie Halper co-host did same thing on Twitter and was suspended for seven days. But I was afraid the secret service would come knocking on my door. That I would be imprisoned for threatening the president’s life, etc.

October 4 dream:  Heather and Zoe and I live on the same floor of apt. building. Other Prosperos live elsewhere in the building. Big event coming up.

October 3, 2020:  Translation group in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Guy in gray sweatpants and gray top standing seductively. I pause ’til he notices me admiring him. (*Relates to hawk from G.C.P. hier, I think.) Then G.C.P. Then greeter at M.S. Then Starbucks Portola. Then down Teresita to Safeway. Isaac there. Realize upstairs neighbor’s disturbance from last night might relate to my reluctance to do video: “I hope he dies of COVID.” Work on video in p.m. Also bake pumpkin pie.

October 2, 2020:  In ’til 2:45. Walk out. Feel “shitty.” Come back. Take shit. Leave again at 3ish. Walk to G.P. No Lee at liquor store. Cute construction worker on Diamond. Same as hier only without mask. I admired him. He smiled. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk at apex. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Think about Trump. Sad that he may die. Also glad. Think about my father. Wonder why he never apologized or even admitted what he did to me. Recall stone I found on April 29, 2020 saying: “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. there. Go up to Apt. 429 later after a lot of noise. Realize they had not moved out as I had thought.

October 2 dream:  Talk with my upstairs neighbor, I think. (h.o.)

October 1, 2020:  Bills. Monthly BB. 1 p.m. appointment with San Mateo Housing Authority. She gave me two more forms to fill out. In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. They’re closed due to bad air day. Walk to G.P. See “Perfection.” Then nice lady on path to Lyell Street. Lee at G.P. liquor store. We had brief conversation. Walk thru G.C.P. Then M.S. Walk to Starbucks Portola but it’s 6:01 and they close at 6 p.m. #43 home. Then go to McD’s. I order apple pie and have to wait about 10 minutes for it. I think: This is happening for a reason. Cute guy on elevator delivering food from Market & Valencia. Only place I can think of is “Proposition Chicken.”

October 1 dream:  In comparative religion class, only 15 minutes left. One teacher asks me to ask other teacher if he is going to talk about something. He is not pleased I am interrupting him.

October 1 dream:  Move décor from near my bed ’cause it had a spider web and spider on it. Bloody left leg. People in gas station across street jumping for joy.

September 30, 2020:  One more document for HMB apartment. Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. then G.C.P. Hear coyotes close by howling to passing sirens on Portola Drive. M.S. Anthony and Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. #43 home.

September 30 dream:  Thane presenting second day of live class in S.F. About 60 people show up. Someone suggests we search for the “otter” one.

September 30 dream:  Getting ready to do a mass mailing. Some of the addresses are pre-printed, but many are not.

September 29, 2020:  Get up early. Hand in signed lease at 9:30 a.m. Get final HMB docs scanned and emailed. Take nap. (*Kissing Sarah nap dream relates to HMB interview on October 1?) In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Feel “shitty.” Get matcha latte at Starbucks Ocean Avenue. Walk home. See beautiful man in muscle T-shirt on balcony of my building. He goes indoors. As I’m taking a second look, see hawk perched on building across the street. Crows dive bombing hawk. Hawk finally flies away. Get home. Take shit. Watch first presidential debate.

September 29 nap dream:  Sarah and I lying next to each other. She looks very pretty. It feels like we’re about to kiss. Then she moves. I say, “Are you leaving?” She says, “I’m working up my courage.” She kisses me.

September 29 dream:  Get up late. Am supposed to meet Laurie at 11:15 a.m. Go to shopping center resto. Lots of escalators. Lots of meat dishes.

September 29 dream:  Getting out of small plane. Lots of cute guys.

September 28, 2020:  Scan docs for HMB apartment. Rush back to take shits. Then decide to go to 850 Bryant to get Report of Non-Criminal Record. Feel good afterwards like I’m getting a diploma graduating from S.F. Walk to 24th Street. Old Cafe Bello locked up. #48 to Starbucks Portola. Two young guys onboard. Wait for #43 at Laguna Honda and Portola. Guy in truck honks at me. I take second look. He waves. I wave. Don’t know who he is. #43 to W.F. Sara & Isaiah at W.F. McD’s. Watch TYT. Cenk rants about Shahid Buttar. At end of rant, he said “to keep your eyes on the prize” which was the way I ended my post “SF Progressives cut off nose to spite face” which I also copied and pasted on TYT comment page. In last episode of 19-2, cop joins Pedophiles Anonymous group. Insight: My defense mechanism: Take all the blame. Father a pedophile? Take the blame.

September 28 dream:  Beth Kuper teams up with Steve Hines. Someone touches me in the butt while I’m sleeping. I struggle to awake.

September 28 dream:  All male household repaints lime green and white indoors. No females around.

September 27, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola to Starbucks. Cute baristo there. I tell him I like his haircut. It’s tinted with green and purple. He smiles (*Relates to shits at 4ish hier?) Walked down Teresita to Safeway. Israel there. I get in long line just to see him. He looks great. Just got a haircut. He was pleased to see me. Had large brownie in a.m. Regretted it rest of day.

September 27 dream:  Female house guest walks out of the house with my camera and something else. I follow after her with youngest cousins, one of whom is right at my side.

September 27 dream:  Cute young gay guy dances in middle of the room as his story is narrated. He’s got a great haircut.

September 26, 2020:  Translation workshop in a.m. 14 or so in attendance. Shits at 4ish. In ’til 4ish. Get application from Half Moon Bay apartment plus current location rent renewal on same day. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there. Very hot guy in black leaving M.S. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Walk home. Sign lease and fill out HMB forms.

September 26 dream:  To invest in underinvestment(?) requires money to deposit, time, so that’s why we are delaying a few days.

September 26 dream:  All set to move apartments. Have to set a date. Make sure water and electricity are all on.

September 25, 2020:  OSF website goes down about 10:30 a.m. Everything topsy-turvy just like my walk hier. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. See two “160” address numbers. 160 = 1 + 6 = 7. Realize Comet Kohoutak certainly related to my own inner cosmic change from March 1973 to December 1973. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Then down Teresita to Safeway. Then #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. there. At one point I get very excited about something but don’t remember what. Later chatted with Domantas in Lithuania about OSF website being down. He said my ”nameservers were not fully correct.” OSF back up at 7:30 p.m.

September 25 dream:  Flight crew (black men mostly) mad at me and I’m mad at them. We’re all saying “Fuck you“ to each others.

September 25 dream:  Rose placed in my shoe and buried in the ground in honor of Etta Thorpe.

September 24, 2020:  Decide not to pursue 1550 Mission BMR. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Waylaid by cute guy walking thru CCSF. I followed him ’til he climbed over the Ram football field fence. (*Relates to near hawk from hier?) Continue to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. All ready to go to M.S., Starbucks and #43 bus home but lost my mask so had to retrace my steps to G.P. Angry black man on way. Buy new mask at G.P. Matcha latte at Canyon Market. Then #43 and #49 home. Cute guy on #49.

September 24 dream:  Of 435 members of Congress, we have contacted all but 3. One is sick and the other two haven’t yet agreed to the $90,000 buyout.

September 24 dream:  Living in top bunk. Nancy O. on the floor level bunk. It’s a mess. I accidentally drink from a broken glass.

September 23, 2020:  9 a.m. Translation workshop. Heather, me, Sarah, Clint and wife, Bulent and Alp, his son (from Turkey). Alp makes special point of saying hello to me. I am verklempt. In ’til 3ish. Stiver on way out the door. Cute “Deep” at 7-11. W.P. Walk up Ulloa. Distant hawk over Edgehill Mountain. Kaleb plus hot co-baristo at Starbucks Portola. While talking with Kaleb, co-baristo gives me the eye. Walk down Teresita to Foerster. Very large hawk overhead on Foerster, but only noticed him at the last minute. I turn back to Teresita. Then see cute guy in taco truck, the same guy who smiled at me hier. Walk to Safeway. No RW&B potato salad (day 6). Walk back to taco truck. Order two fish tacos which I took home. They weren’t very good. Get BMR approval for 1550 Mission Not sure I want it.

September 23 dream:  Sitting in a bathtub in a row of bathtubs. Woman next to me has the hots for me. Older woman with lots of makeup comes in and sits next to me and kisses me on the mouth and says, “How are you?” I say, “Who are you?” She says, “Really? Of all people.”

September 22, 2020:  Email more docs for BMR approval. Feel good about my financial situation. In ’til 3ish. Inspiration to write BB blog: “Virgin Birth.” 5th day without “Red, White & Blue” potato salad at Safeway. Later realize the “red” was probably bacon. Hot guy brushing his teeth next to mobile taco stand. I see him from behind and when I walk in front, he smiles at me. Walk up Teresita to M.S. Portola. Then Starbucks Portola. Then #43 to Plymouth. Buy Chron and go to McD’s. Clock falls off wall at 5:25 p.m. or so. Insight: My kick in the balls on June 14, 2020 was not just Richard but the whole Sunday Night Translation Group that seems to be using Translation as a cover-up for racism. Was my father racist, too, in addition to being a pedophile? Talk about a kick in the balls. From my.clevelandclinic.org: “Hydroceles occur in only about 1% of adult men, and will often disappear on their own within the first 6 months.”

September 22 dream:  King can bring people back alive by transferring their heads onto a new body. King himself gets killed but declines to get a new body.

September 21, 2020:  Tough night last night. Withdraw from Comparative Religion class in a.m. Sarah calls. I was on the phone as her son got news of a financial windfall. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Cute non-responsive baristo named Anthony. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. In line for Homer, other cashier takes my item and invites me to her checkout line. #43 home. Stop by Beep’s. Adoré there. He has moved back to S.F. (from Stockton). Said his ex-girlfriend’s parents called him at 7 a.m. to blame him for his ex-roommate breaking up with his ex-girlfriend. I order small swirl cone. He gave me large one.

September 21 dream:  Am building a boat with Leigh and a few others. I came late to the project. Leigh was skeptical at first.

September 21 dream:  Second company outing. This time more relaxed. Someone asked me to do a financial report since I was one of the people taking donations. I said: “I’m not the only person who’s going to write that report.”

September 20, 2020: Sarah calls about 3 p.m. Then I leave for walk down Ocean Avenue to W.P. Sexually interesting, possibly homeless guy on Ulloa. (*Relates to hawk/crow from Mission hier, I think.) Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Down Teresita to Safeway. No “Red White & Blue” potato salad for 3rd day in a row. Realize on walk that when Sarah told me, “Well, Melissa thinks what she thinks,” that she was wrong. I write email to Sarah saying, in effect, “No, she doesn’t. She thinks what Fox News tells to her to think. And that’s the problem.” Realize Stiver from a few days ago may have been coming on to me.

September 20 dream:  Cenk and Ana yelling at me for criticizing Ana in French. (*Relates to last night’s Translation Group sense testimony: “Lack of listening and understanding may cause disruption of team synchrony and harmony”?)

September 20 dream:  Counting out $148.

September 19, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Hawk/crow near Mission. See Lee at G.P. liquor store. He seemed happy to see me. Hike thru G.C.P. Hawk there at apex? Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. Walk down Teresita. Very hot guy talking on phone who I just missed. Later runner who I didn’t miss. Isaac at Safeway. Still no Red, White & Blue Potato Salad. Insight: Did my sexual abuse with my father happen in Kamakura first? And my discomfort at wearing my clothes inside-out on crossing the international dateline on the way back? (*Relates to my Kamakura dream of September 18?) Explains me getting all sweaty on reading Richard’s email reply to me? By quitting the Sunday Night Translation Group, I thought I was standing up to Melissa. But I think I was really standing up to Richard (my “father”). Richard kicked me in the balls on June 14, 2020. Urology Dept. now wants to get in touch me, after having told me I’d have to wait for 3 months for an appointment.

September 19 dream:  Hard-on dream about my big right testicle.

September 19 dream:  Packing up and getting ready to leave motel for next place. I tell girl, “Now is not a good time to piss me off.”

September 19 dream:  Jazz musician in our home.

September 19 dream:  Big wedding. Lots of immigrants. Many women in white heading back because “We’re not good enough.” Women in blue from Germany harassing them? I arrive at sanctuary. Two black guys there. We wait for the throngs.

September 18, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then C.B. at G.P. Then walk up Monterey to Safeway. See Jun at work with door open and windows unblocked. Israel at Safeway looking very beautiful. He says: “I remember you.” Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. not there. We talk ’til almost 7 p.m. Hanz brings up Carl Payne Tobey’s equal house astrology system. Someone else brings up Dane Rudhyar’s Astrology of America’s Destiny. I thank Rick for sending us all Thane’s Leap Into Sanity lesson via email. Then thank Janet. Hanz says to me:  “… and Suzanne.” (*Relates to dream of September 17, I think.) Watch two different movies in p.m. One talks about the name Gunnar meaning “bold warrior” and another talks about the name Gideon meaning “great warrior.”

September 18 dream:  Taking off work early on Friday and driving to Kamakura, Japan, with two others. They were leaving. I still had to ask for permission to leave. Man had on leather coat like my father’s. Man asks me to quit fighting outside his door. I say: “Okay.” Someone else calls off old, tired dog.

September 18 dream:  See long boa constrictor on the road. I turn back. Other small animal not so quick.

September 18 dream:  Aftermath of a party. Some Chinese food from 1946 and 1992 unwrapped but looked delicious and was, according to one person. We decided to save it and wrap it for later.

September 18 dream:  Looking for a new car. Put myself on a waiting list for Triumph car substitute. They usually run out in a week. Funny, handsome English character, doing a bit.

September 17, 2020:  Comparative Religion quiz. Hier’s 3:30 shits relate to posting of “The 4th Date” on the BB? In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee not there. Then on to G.C.P and Starbucks Portola. Cute construction guy outside who seemed to enjoy my attention. #43 home. Sit across from cute, classy guy who gets off at my stop. McD’s and home. Insight: Pelvic pain due to things going well? Guy talking loudly outside my apt. at 12:30 a.m. (*Relates to email from Richard B. later that evening?)

September 17 dream:  I’m trying to buy a meat dinner for our group. Nancy O. buys me a leg of meat on rice and gives it to me.

September 16, 2020:  9 a.m. Translation workshop with Heather and Sarah. In ’til 3ish. Left home. Talked with Stiver at W.F. Felt “shitty.” Came home. Took shits at 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. See hawk on Arbor Street. Then later at apex of G.C.P. Cruise guy on bike at Portola and O’Shaughnessy. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Stiver again at W.F. Also Isaiah and Sara.

September 16 dream:  Taking toothpicks out of guy in bikini to strip him naked before others do theirs. We get him naked. So I’m not sure how we make more people(?) Bill Floyd there.

September 15, 2020:  Wilson Fong in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Lots of calls. Walk down Ocean to W.P. J-like guy on W.P. bench, only homeless, younger, smoking cigarette. Weather a little clearer. Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Comparative Religion homework.

September 15 dream:  Clown (devil) in training.

September 15 dream:  S.F. fair with some really beautiful men, but not much happiness.

September 14, 2020:  Comparative Religion class at 9 a.m. Write “Right-wing Prosperos” blog for BB and email Translation group that I am quitting them. Talk with Sarah on phone. In ’til 4ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Hazy day. See dead raccoon on Ocean. (*Relates to Mellissa, I think.) Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Realize extra phlegm in my throat is probably related to bad air and wearing a mask. Insight: Realize reason I left London so quickly back in 2015 (even paying 200 pounds to leave two hours early) was because I had done what I was meant to do there. That I had met the young man in Hyde Park that I was meant to meet and that there was nothing more for me to do there. It had nothing to do with London.

September 14 dream:  Trying to move hospital bed.

September 14 dream:  Trying to run off 100 flyers for mailing out.

September 14 dream:  Waiting by a freeway offramp for Jerry. Say goodbye to Marie who drove us there.

September 13, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Different “Deep” than I remembered at 7-11. Go to W.P. Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Go to Beep’s. No Adoré. Then see Stiver lookalike. As I approach him, other beautiful man walks by and smiles. It wasn’t Stiver. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People being disconnected can result in inflammatory words and actions. My conclusion: Truth, one Individual in touch with everything, speaks for Itself, acts for Itself, is all that can be provoked (called forth) in flagrant disregard for that which is not so. We had another fight about Melissa’s “sense testimony” which was just a regurgitation of a Fox News story about protestors who killed two police officers without any backstory about what the protestors were protesting. After a restless night, I decide to quit group.

September 12, 2020:  Translation workshop in a.m. Very confusing presentation. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. They’re closed due to bad air day. Walk to G.P. See my Korean friend at liquor store. He looks really good. I ask his name. It’s Lee. See “John” etched in sidewalk. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. See cute guy on Gennessee. Get off bus. Go to Safeway. Homer, Isaac and third cute guy whose name I don’t know. Latter was nice to me for the first time. After, stop by Jun’s to let him know barbers can cut hair indoors starting Monday. He already knew. #43 home. See very interesting Chomsky YouTube in p.m.

September 12 dream:  Having secret sexual relationship with person which I try to force out into the open.

September 12 dream:  Type special memo to get an hour off work after lunch to get something needed. Then forget to go.

September 11, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Talk with Stiver again outside W.F. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to CVS Portola. See Pat for first time in a while. He’s looking buffer and buffer. He wants to know what I’ve learned from the book he recommended and I bought: Your Perfect Right. Rush to #43 home. Get off half way home. Rush to eat before Prosperos Round Table. Tom C. there. At one point woman who is not at all shy says, “I was finished so I muted myself.” So I joked, “And that’s rare.” She joked that now I was in the doghouse, but I felt like I was floating on top of myself. Later realized this was all meant for Tom. (*Relates to hard-on dream from September 9 and “Get the expected unexpectedly” from hier, I think.)

September 11 dream:  We have to pack up and leave in a real hurry. Afraid I’ll have to just leave some things behind. My heart is racing.

September 11 dream:  Trying to put my shirts in correct numerical order. My father? Somebody giving me a hard time ’cause I’m drinking my “last” Coke.

September 11 dream:  “Eating” French toast made by some black friends. It’s great. Looking for more syrup.

September 11, dream:  Trying to find a place to shit at a crowded men’s conference. Somebody had signed us up for about $250,000 in expenses.

September 10, 2020:  Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Meet Stiver from Albania in front of W.F. Walk down Ocean. Guy at Walgreen’s. Walk Portola to Starbucks. Then #43 home. Shits when I get home about 5:30 p.m. Hear: “Get the expected unexpectedly.” Watch Alan Turing movie in p.m. Makes me cry.

September 10 dream:  Tom C. joins group. He changes dynamic completely.

September 10 dream:  My new female boss asks me if I’ve learned how to play the piano yet. I say: “No.” Her friend jokes about her bringing “Bob” to an event. I agree it was a bad idea.

September 9, 2020: Comparative religion class at 9:10 a.m. Later, in the shower, I think of time I kissed John back in ’87. Get one ring phone call which thrills me. Reddish pink overcast day. Feels very weird. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Cute red-headed guy at Eezy-Freezy. I say: “I like your hair.” He says: “Thanks.” Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Good-looking baristo there who avoids my glances. #43 home. Berniecrat group in p.m. Ben explodes over mention of Shahid. Call Steve H. after.

September 9 dream:  Hard-on dream.

September 9 dream:  Watching homeless guy on Market watch the money in a hat. Then he takes the money. Then he drops it. Comes back and picks it up. I feel obligated for some reason to stay. Tom C. drops by. Asks if there’s a party. I say: “Yes,” quietly so homeless guy doesn’t hear. He says: “Where?” I point towards the Castro. He says: “When?” I say: “7 p.m.” He says: “It’s 7 p.m. now. Let’s go.” I say: “Okay.” We walk together to line in back of room. He’s being very nice to me. The party’s at Calvin’s on Parnassus and Castro. There’s an after-party at Wallace’s.

September 9 dream:  Get job swimming in the afternoon. Also in women’s underwear dept. They show me terry cloth sample. I say: “Isn’t that to thick?” They say they’ll fix it.

September 8, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Walk to G.P. Buy Chron from rack instead of going to my Korean friend’s liquor store. Accidentally rip jacket in the next block. Walk thru G.C.P. to Starbucks Portola. Woman barista there still hot for me. Down Teresita to Monterey. Talk with Jun at his salon. He says he’ll call later in p.m. for mirror I offered him so he could cut hair outside. Meet Isaac at Safeway. Talk with Homer.

September 8 dream:  Woman trying to take over the milk company. They even took out all the animals. Phil D. thinks pan of bread belongs back in the oven but it’s tied to something and won’t reach.

September 8 dream:  We’re already working on the next assignments whether on politics or biology. Out by the Golden Gate.

September 7, 2020:  New neighbors move in upstairs last night. BB and OSF websites down all day from 10:30 a.m. to 11:30 p.m. Inspired me to clean my bathroom. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Find credit card on sidewalk. (Later put in mailbox.) Starbucks Portola. Down Teresita. Long-haired short guy walking slowly up as I walk down. We wave to each other. Could have done more, I think.

September 6, 2020:  Write blog: “Op-Ed: Progressive groups cut off nose to spite face.” In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola. Deep at 7-11 smiles at me. (*See diary of September 2.) Walk up Portola to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there. Then walk down Teresita. Run into Pete. (*See diary of August 9.) Then on to Safeway. Israel there, looking quite beautiful. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Unconscious influences are causing heated irritability and poor leadership. My conclusion: Truth, being the cause/effect of all that is, is all that leads and all that follows, is consciousness always excited, always aroused, always in motion, is of boundless value.

September 6 dream:  Thane about to die. Someone asks me what I thought of Unity. I say: “Not much other than what it did for Thane.” Later run into William Fennie with a white rose for his girlfriend.

September 6 dream:  Run into Chris Hinrichs and others at coffee shop in L.A. or S.F.

September 5, 2020:  Jerk off. Anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola. See local politico Alan Wong and friend on Ocean. The friend likes my TYT T-shirt. Later on Ocean, car runs red light as I’m about to cross street. Starbucks Portola. Mt.D. Then home. Strange (but cute) black guy on entering back gate home. 80 degrees and smokey when I open my balcony door at 1 a.m.

September 5 dream:  Elderly Jewish residents coming into building. Perhaps Holocaust survivors.

September 5 dream:  S.F. just finished big nude parade. I’m with Aunt Joanne and others. Trying to figure out gift for woman friend of Joanne’s. Scarf seems to be best idea.

September 5 dream:  Dreaming of Chicago.

September 4, 2020:  3 or 4 false alarms in the a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola to M.S. Beautiful long-haired runner at Laguna Honda Boulevard. Shop at M.S. Then Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. Then Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. not there.

September 4 dream:  Photocopying a thick legal-sized document. Trouble getting it all the way thru. (h.o.)

September 4 dream:  Driving slowly thru a tough part of l.A.

September 4 dream:  Making watery omelet.

September 4 dream:  Guy buying pole Tom O. gave to me. I give him key.

September 3, 2020:  Online work. Jerk off. Get anonymous call. (*Relates to first dream of September 2?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then to G.P. Then thru G.C.P. Trip at apex. Then Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. Female bus driver attracted to me. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) Richard Branam calls in p.m.

September 3 dream:  Tried to block every output for five or six days into a cube. It wouldn’t fit.

September 3 dream:  Ate dusty little popper which tingled the top of my mouth. Supposed to shake them first. They were pretty dusty.

September 2, 2020:  Two or more calls in a.m. (*Relates to last dream of September 1?) Comparative Religion quiz in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. 7-11 guy offers me help putting my DVD into the bag he provided. Go to W.P. Then up Ulloa to Mt.D. As I descend, I’m Translating something and coming up with conclusion that Truth is boundless pleasurable comfort. Then I came face-to-face with shirtless, well-built guy in a small patch of green I am speechless. I stare at him. He says: “Hi.” I say: “Getting a sun . . . ?” “Sun bathing,” he says. He’s getting up and going to his car. I continue on. Then switch back. See him put on his shirt, get in his car and out of it and back in it again. Walk down Faxon. See “Arms Wide. Take off in a plane.” Pick up my shoes. Then Targét guy again. Woman on Ocean checks me out. Hawk over Avalon Apartments.

September 2 dream:  John F’s dog and other dog lying down next to each other. Finally at peace. (h.o.)

September 2 dream:  My professor gives me details of my assignment. He’s very moved.

September 2 dream:  Go to inspect some of Trump’s properties with him.

September 1, 2020:  Apartment application from seven years ago emails me today saying there may be an opening soon. Wrote “On Consciousness” blog for BB. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean, looking for Tilex to clean my shower. Nobody has it. Beautiful tall, dark and handsome, broad-shouldered security guard at Targét helps me out. Go to W.P. See “Etched in Stone.” (Don’t know whether this relates to my new apartment or to something else). Stop at Eezy-Freezy. Then up Ulloa to Portola. #43 home. Seductive, very young gay man in front of Riordan High School. I get off bus early to run into him. Follow him down Ocean Avenue. Finally talk to him outside BofA ATM. Later he gets inside ATM kiosk and talks on his cellphone. Got “perfect” when I get home. Insight: “Soma” as Hindu god, term for the body, Indian drink and drug used in Brave New World to make everybody happy.

September 1 dream:  Rushing from house to house on my bike. Trying to beat the time limit. I was low on the political totem pole so people didn’t know my name.

September 1 dream:  About to slide into massive construction hole. I ask guy for help. He says: “If you fall in, somebody else will replace you.”

August 31, 2020:  Comparative Religion class at 9 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Sole guy on top. He was very friendly. He said the weather would be better next week. Then on to CVS. Starbucks Portola. #43 home.

August 31 dream:  Some slick business guys are trying to take over our publishing company.

August 31 dream:  Biden about to debate.

August 30, 2020:  People’s Convention online from 1 p.m. onwards. In ’til 3ish. Cute Asian guy in lobby. (Same guy as on August 20, I think.) He was carrying a bag trying to get into the building. I said: “Is that for me?” He mumbled something. Walk to G.P. Talk with my handsome Korean friend at liquor store about getting the Korea Times online. Walk thru G.C.P. Wondering about the coyotes. Then I run into Janet, the Coyote Lady. See Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People can be lied to and misled by deceitful power brokers. My conclusion: Person is Consciousness Being, the True Personhood, the Real deal; It is the sole Speaker and all that is every spoken, all that is ever heard, guiding Itself in ever-harmoniously Truthful movement, always obeying Itself, always in step/cadence with Itself.

August 30 dream:  Thane: “Bill Noey, you know him, right?” Me: “I don’t remember.” Thane: “He opened up a Safeway a minute too late.” Black guy there as well.

August 30 dream:  I’m supposed to bring a turkey back from Santa Cruz. Bruce King there. Turkey is a polite kind English woman who I was very gentle with but who I wanted to hit.

August 29, 2020:  I present online Translation workshop at 9 a.m. About 12 attended. My PowerPoint was well-received, I think. (*Relates to first dream of August 28?) Did online work. Tried to take nap but wasn’t really tired. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then to G.P. liquor store. My handsome Korean friend who writes music reviews for the Korea Times is there. Then matcha latte from C.B. at G.P. Then walk thru G.C.P. for 2nd day in a row. Hear hawk screaming again. Louder and closer than hier. Walk to Portola, then down Teresita to Safeway. Then #43 home.

August 29 dream:  The rise and demise of a great titan.

August 29 dream:  At new job in building with stage where I was part of some play in an old cockroach-infested theater. The floor had been painted red and looked like bricks. I had barely anything on. Liz Andrews said we should take care of Liz Warren’s ship. Guy walking with me suddenly grabbed my hand and said it was his “shit” that people were talking about.

August 29 dream:  We all get new computers and printers. I’m struggling to get on the back of the truck to retrieve mine. There are only two left. I think the other one belongs to my boss.

August 28, 2020:  Shahid Buttar calls. We talk for 20 minutes or so. He wants my financial support. I also gave him some campaign advice. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Pick up new DVDs in a nice little bag! Walk to C.B. at G.P. Then walk thru G.C.P. Hear hawk. #43 home. Prosperos group at 5:30 p.m. Usual suspects. At end Tom C. says goodbye to many individually, intentionally excluding me. I think he was putting on a show. So I hung up on him. (*Relates to 2nd dream of August 25, I think. Also to “expect the unexpected” from hier. I had expected that that dream would relate to J.) Whenever I am around Tom C. there is–maybe not sexual tension–but something. It’s uncomfortable yet exciting. Perhaps it could be called “spiritual tension” or perhaps “SupraSexual tension.”

August 28 dream:  At long table, someone says I will watch anything. I agree. (h.o.)

August 28 dream:  Repairs being made to Folsom Street.

August 28 dream:  Rush home ’cause I forgot to lock my door. Go to my old apt. Someone I know has moved in. Woman on the way warned me something bad had happened.

August 27, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola. Guy at 7-11 calls me “my friend.” I come unglued. Walk thru W.P. to Mt.D. Funny guy with beekeeper hat walking on top. Piano guy on Los Palmos has another beautiful man in the background. This time a young Latino man in what looked like long underwear. Was going to go to Beep’s but went to Pakwan resto instead. Cute Pakistani there. Was going to take photo of cool yellow car but got intimidated by the thought he might not like it. RNC #4.

August 27 dream:  Phil Diers taking over the pool for the next year.

August 27 dream:  Meet two of Calvin’s friends, Robin and Paul(?), who I really like. Robin becomes naked. Calvin and other friends arrive. I get in fight with Calvin. He shows me his knife.

August 26, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. It’s so cold and windy outside I don’t continue on to Mt.D. #43 home. Take quiz for online Comparative Religion class. RNC night #3 with David Doel on YouTube.

August 26 dream:  In bed, trying to get to sleep. Cat keeps poking me or getting on top of me. Later, at work, I try to notice if anyone has my 826 prefix phone number. I can’t remember the whole number.

August 26 dream:  Realize J. is not going to be my boyfriend. See him in the Castro followed by my next boyfriend, I hope. I have chalk on my face as No. 2 boyfriend looks in on us. Then taking train back into the Castro.

August 26 dream:  Schedule of events starting August 22, and then every two days.

August 26 dream:  Walk into cafe. Latest girl J. has slept with is playfully spraying him with a water hose. I go upstairs. Some of J’s slimy friends up there.

August 25, 2020:  Get up at 6 a.m. for VA appointment. Got there and it had been cancelled, apparently by me. Woman said that she talked to me hier and that I said I couldn’t come in ’cause I had a rash. (*See dream of August 27.) Go to La Promenade cafe. Barista there seems to like me. Then #38 and #29 home. Bagger at W.F. Online work. Reply to Brandon H. email about Berniecrats rescinding our endorsement for Shahid B. even though we voted not to rescind. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. and home. Talk to piano guy on Los Palmos. See his beautiful son in the background briefly. Feel shits coming on. Flock of seagulls escorting me for about half a block at CCSF parking lot. Shits when I get home.

August 25 dream:  Weasel-like animal pushes beyond its doorway. We put up new screen. Then it morphs into a barely visible stream of energy. We put Native American flowers, etc., on it so it would show up. Someone says we have made great progress just noticing it.

August 25 dream:  Undergoing a planetary crisis. The earth will change its shape, at least temporarily, due to the pull of this other planet. Woman CEO takes us to her apt. to explain. She shows us her underwear as part of the explanation. We don’t know what to expect.

August 25 dream:  At creative weekend, we took train to get there. Finally program starts. Everyone gathers in groups. No masks. Carol Carter there with bad cold. She doesn’t believe in COVID but it’s good to see her. I was thinking of leaving ’til Carol got there.

August 25 dream:  Visiting Paris with group. Don’t like it much. Tour bus guide takes us on very steep road to high place and parks us in the ocean water with other cars. He jokes about my “plague” T-shirt.

August 24, 2020:  9 a.m. class in Comparative Religion. Took about 15 minutes to get online. Beautiful man named Ian. Online work. Nap. In ’til 3:45 ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola to Starbucks. Then Mt.D. Then home. RNC #1. Thank god for TYT!

August 24 dream:  Thane says: “I want some blueberries(?) in my bag tomorrow when I leave at 6 a.m.” I have a small rash on my finger. (*Relates to going to VA on August 25. They said they had talked to me hier and that I had cancelled the appointment because I had a rash. I didn’t talk to anybody at the VA hier.)

August 23, 2020:  Suzanne D. email complimenting me on being the epitome of what a mentor should be. That kind of unnerved me. Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk up to Mt.D. Piano from Los Palmos no longer there. Forgot my camera. Walk to Mt.D. and turn back to go to Safeway. Talked with Homer, a new cashier. He told me he was from Laredo, TX. I told him that I spent some time in Nuevo Laredo. He said: “What brought you there? Was it a job?” I said: “Drinking.” He liked that response. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Care providers may defraud and harm those In their care for status or personal gain. My conclusion: Truth, the real deal, lives happily and independently on its own, without apology, the only Person, the only standing, the only beneficiary in the Universe.

August 23 dream:  Dream about counting votes. (h.o.)

August 23 dream:  Visiting hippie couple in S.F. We were going somewhere, all on horses, standing on the saddle. I didn’t know how I was doing it so I hoped we’d finish soon. I wanted to check to see if my car was sparked somewhere where I wouldn’t get fined. I knew it was on Cortland and something in the Civic Center area.

August 22, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola. Then Mt.D. Then Target for some socks and a matcha latte. Then K home. Stop at Beep’s, but Adorê doesn’t seem to be there.

August 22 dream:  I run “like a gazelle” to catch the elevator. J. is with me. There’s another young man on the elevator with us. It’s cold outside so J. and we stand close to each other. We hold hands and our arms touch. He’s hot. I say: “You’re hot. Am I hot?”

August 22 dream:  Author(?) and gay(?) man looking to get together.

August 22 dream:  I belong to house of Berniecrats. They are interviewing for new members. I go to wrong home at first. Then wait on couch with other visitors while the interviews are taking place. I wonder if I’ll ever have a better financial situation.

August 22 dream:  Missed Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. Run into Billye Talmadge and friend in their car. Guy sleeping in shower room. I ask him how he stays so thin. He says he tries not to eat too much.

August 21, 2020:  Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk Plymouth to Monterey to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there. Walk to Mt.D. and home. Prosperos group at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. there. He disagreed with something I said. Then had a coughing fit.

August 21 dream:  Someone invites us all down to Santa Cruz, Mexico. I’m not interested. I throw out some Bernie receipts.

August 21 dream:  At work went next door to see conservative artist in his shop. He draws from photographs. Then female workmate joined me. Suddenly she was turning red and touching his hands. Went back to work. I thought I’d be in trouble for being late, but I was very happy. Receipts on my desk welcoming me back anytime.

August 21 dream:  Found an area of S.F. I want to move to if I can ever get enough money. Jump down wall with other guy. We seem to slow in mid-air.

August 20, 2020:  Get up early. Do online work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Cute Asian guy in muscle shirt on elevator. I said: “Hi.” He didn’t say anything. Later in mailroom as I’m leaving and he’s picking up his to-go bag, I say: “Dinner time?” He mumbles something. Walk down Ocean to Portola to Mt.D. See “Perfection” at CopyEdge, I think. #43 home Get off with other cute Asian guy. Follow him down Ocean Avenue to Chinese resto. He was getting chicken legs. I said: “Are they good?” He said they were kind of crunchy. I tried to order curry. He said: “They don’t have curry. It’s a Hong Kong resto.” He recommended another place on Ocean which I took as my opportunity to leave. DNC night #4 in p.m.

August 20 nap dream:  About to have pool party at Saratoga house. Run up to my father for permission. Then I think I: “What am I doing?” Turn back. Head to pool with my shorts on. Some dogs fighting each other. Wonder why I’m not more afraid of them.

August 20 dream:  Someone took down cartoon I posted. I put it all and others back up.

August 20 dream:  Made some watery scrambled eggs for Jeff B. and Nancy O. They were cooking something else. So I ate them (the scrambled eggs).

August 19, 2020:  Wrote “On love and marriage” blog for BB in a.m. Got anonymous call almost immediately after posting it. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mollie Stones via Portola. Give $1 to my homeless friend. M.S. Kaleb at Starbucks. See hawk on way to bus stop? Discover Saagar video on YT about how Obama really didn’t want Biden to win the nomination. #43 home. Smoky day from fires in North Bay. Take photo of gray-bearded man. He says: “That’s all I have.” I say: “Well, that’s something.”

August 19 dream:  Remembering my poem “When Nannie’s here” made me feel better.

August 18, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola. Felt desire to take a different route. Ran into guy on bike at Laguna Honda and Portola. He was very happy. He seemed to be radiating joy. I thought he was talking with someone on the phone. Maybe he was. #43 got in my way. I crossed street. We exchanged looks. Then we exchanged looks again as he rode onto Portola. On to Mt.D. Then #43. Then home. DNC night #2.

August 18 dream:  Wet my pants. Woman gives me new pair. They fit well but are holey. Talk to young guys with braces who are in school rock band.

August 17, 2020:  Comparative Religion class in a.m. About 25 or so online on Zoom. Should be fun class. Fell in love with guy named Dimitri. Walk to Mt.D. via Portola. Dog barking at me and rushing towards me on Mt.D. (*Relates to my comments hier about J. living with sugar daddies, I think.) #43 home. DNC convention in p.m. Insight: Writing something down mid-walk, notice that I feared that somebody (my father?) will notice that I have a mind of my own.

August 17 dream:  We were working in various places. I was supposed to go to Wyoming. It was considered a foreign country.

August 17 dream:  Try to help Helen Sandoz with her back pain. She has back muscle sticking outside her body.

August 17 dream:  Nancy O. gets in argument with me. Wants to do something. Later I stay on for dinner. With me a family of kids. Am in line for big slice of ham. Then transfer will be shaping up.

August 16, 2020:  Sunday Meeting with Ben Gilberti in a.m. About 28 people attended on Zoom. Very well received. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Friendly guy on Ocean near Aptos. Buy paper in W.P. I say: “Is it complete?” Guy says: “It’s got the pink section. That’s what you guys always ask for.” Us guys? Shirtless guy on Del Sur Avenue. Then Mt.D. Hear guy talking on Bella Vista near where I had seen cute guy on July 24. Got closer and noticed guy talking was older white guy. He ignored me. I think he was the sugar daddy of the beautiful guy who smiled at me on July 24. I think J. used to have a sugar daddy or two. One on Chenery and one on 18th Street, I believe. Walk home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People work against themselves and others due to ignorance and fear. My conclusion: All being, human and otherwise, works together harmoniously, because there is nothing to fear/revere and there is no limit to knowing/consciousness.

August 16 dream:  Famous young actor/star plus 3 girls who transfer with him on the Muni underground. (h.o.)

August 16 dream:  Two guys arguing over political debate.

August 16 dream:  Taking out the garbage. Third load. Have to ride my bike to place called Cora’s. Garbage had all kinds of nasty stuff: shit, a human head, etc.

August 15, 2020:  Translation workshop at 9 a.m. Great to see Jonathan Flynn again. He looks wonderful. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola. Older Asian guy on Ocean checks me out. Then Mt.D. Then down to Safeway. Then #43 home. I hurt my knee (again) getting on bus. Kick door open on exiting with my 4 bags of groceries. Wonder if J. would still love me if he saw get so angry. Guy at Unity Plaza smiles at me.

August 15 dream:  Working at resto with 29 or 30 tables. (h.o.)

August 14, 2020:  Shits at about 2:30 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Then Mt.D. Snake on Mt.D. Then home. Internet goes down around 5 p.m. Prosperos group (13 or so) on Zoom at 5:30 p.m. Unidentified caller on iPhone (*Relates to snake in the grass on Mt.D. earlier?) First sunny, warm day in a long time.

August 14 dream:  Trying to get my diary in on time.

August 14 dream:  Trying to get in touch with my old boss at work, Jeannie Maher. Have to use payphone. Need to press “surprise” and another button before I start dialing. Lots of kids around. There will be a company football game later. Sideways elevators with somebody I liked.

August 13, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Then Justin at Peets W.P. He’s not very responsive to me, but female barista is. Walk to Mt.D. Cute guy in funny hat. I follow him downhill. See him sitting in his car. I continue to top and return home. Older gay man on top smiles at me. Post on OSF: “What would you say if you had 60 seconds to speak at the Democratic National Convention?”

August 13 dream:  Anchored out in a boat outside the Golden Gate. Big woman is telling me she has a new boyfriend who is “bigger than a house.” And he’s going to take her flying. I also have a boyfriend who will be taking me flying in a real plane, not a glider. Some Chinese junks nearby.

August 12, 2020:  Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Pass runner in tight shorts and garish socks on his way up. Later pass him again. I say: “I thought you were already on top.’ He says: “I’m taking a couple of laps.” Talk with Pat at CVS about self-service checkout machines taking over. Kaleb at Starbucks. He’s going to study ecology for free gratis to Starbucks. Mexican guy on Frida Kahlo.

August 12 dream:  At military officers club. Around were photos of military buses. Some had black missiles drawn on the bottom. Some white. We have to color in the white ones everywhere as soon as we supplied the missiles. First was Appalachia, as in the music Appalachian Spring. I was thinking they should play that music.

August 11, 2020:  Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library on Mission. Return old DVDs from pre=pandemic. Then walk to G.P. Get matcha latte at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. . Long-haired blond guy complaining that he can’t keep his hair out of his face. Meet Ryan and his co-worker at M.S. #43 home. OSF post: “Newsom to appoint progressive replacement if Harris wins VP?”

August 11 dream:  Shakespearean character never got a chance to say goodbye to his mother before she died.

August 11 dream:  Death certificate of my Chinese mother: Hung, Li

August 11 dream:  J. preparing food at his place.

August 10, 2020:  Go to VA in a.m. Get in argument with doctor. I say: “You’ve never heard of remission of cancer?” he said: “Well, if it’s been misdiagnosed.” I say: “Oh, come on!” Walk to Inner Sunset via G.G. Park. #43 home. Still mad. Online work. Try to register for CCSF class in comparative religion. Take nap. Will try again tomorrow.

August 10 dream:  Dream of stork carrying baby.

August 10 dream:  Tom O. about to knock on my door at Saratoga house.

August 10 dream:  Guy from San Jose moves to Austria. They hold business meeting in the upstairs floor, but the cafes are better.

August 10 dream:  Ricardo contributes $1.00 to The Prosperos.

August 10 dream:  Stalin is killed (or at least he is knocked down). Play continues at end of hall. Beautiful princess. William Tell Overture.

August 9, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Followed guy with pony tail for a while. Go to CVS. Police there. Then home. Veteran on Teresita. He smiles and waves. My body tells me I’d like to be fucked by him. (*Relates to wanting to be fucked by my father?) Catch #43 at Riordan H.S. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Production, distribution and utilization of energy may be come dysfunctional. My conclusion: The constructs of Truth are already in place, everywhere equally present, perpetually in motion, fully functioning, and working for Its/Our own benefit.

August 9, 2020:  I’m at home alone. The electricity goes off. Two people at the door. It’s two women come to check the electricity. And maybe sell me a dog.

August 8, 2020:  Shits at about 2ish.  In ’til 3ish. Walk Ocean Avenue alleyway to CVS Portola. Then Mt.D. On descending, woman says to me: “Was it worth the trip?” Walk home. Follow cute, dark jogger down Staples. Nice good-looking guy moving boxes greets me. Walk to Riordan H.S. #43 home.

August 8 dream:  Am invited to club where they zap you if you want, and, it seems, even if you don’t want. As I realize, I go back to get my things. It may be too late.

August 8 dream:  Going to beautiful banquet room. Some people eating. Food looks wonderful. My friend sits. There is place for me to sit as well.

August 8 dream:  Getting back to work. Jack Lemmon there. I say, “Hi, Jack.” Looking at my list of things to do. Can’t figure out where to start.

August 7, 2020:  Shits at about 3ish.  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. via Plymouth. Then turn around and go to Safeway. Israel at Safeway. Prosperos weekly Zoom meeting at 5:30 p.m. 13 attended including Tom C. We talked about COVID and Trump. Was very disappointed, especially in Tom C., for not being even a bit skeptical about COVID. Not that COVID is a hoax, but that it is SENSE TESTIMONY! Called Mary L. after to see how Shahid endorsement vote went. Berniecrats did not rescind Shahid endorsement. 56% wanted to rescind but threshold was 2/3rds of the vote.

August 7 dream:  Woman wants to go to bed with me. Later I want to go to bed with her.

August 6, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. after following cute young guy to alternative path up. Then see Kaleb at CVS and later as he enters Starbucks. Then rush on #43 home to compose my Translation Lord’s Prayer. Insight: I made all sorts of decisions about who and what I am when I was a child, before I was even consciously aware of sexuality. Thus, my sexual guilt? Thus my pelvic pain?

August 6 dream:  Hanging out with Latina and her black boyfriend. They were eating powdered buns of some sort, not sweet.

August 6 dream:  I am secretary in law office with three projects I’m working for three different attorneys. Not getting very far.

August 5, 2020:  Discover Broadway Bares videos on YouTube. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Miramar to Mt.D. Asian guy with pony tail and flowered black pantaloons on Ocean. Then M.S. Then home via #43. Berniecrats from 6 to 10:30 p.m. talking about Shahid Buttar endorsement. Greg, Ben, Mary, Laksh and others at meeting. Some 75 people. Will tally votes on Friday.

August 5 dream:  Bernie supporter checking up on candidate.

August 5 dream:  Johnson Ferguson looks at new apt. on 31st floor. Only space available for rent is trunk for $350/month. Adjacent apt. may follow. Shower on 33rd floor had been totally redone. See Phil Diers. Also cute surfer blond guy with Hawaiian shirt. Woman in apt. is sewing something red like a fireman or Santa Claus.

August 5 dream:  Cute little girl comes running up to me. Calls me Marko. Then her mother with her new baby, wanting to know if I can spend some time with her next weekend. As I’m holding little girl, guy in corner yells: “Squeeze her.”

August 5 dream:  Washing dishes in our old apt. Landlord comes by with prospective new tenants.

August 4, 2020:  Big explosion in Beirut, Lebanon. (*Relates to J. reading my diary entry from hier, I think. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. via Ocean. Realize while walking that the final simultaneous games (in Washington, D.C. and Miami, Florida) from my Rosa Parks dream of 1995 probably don’t relate to the political corruption of the Democratic Party and the biological corruption COVID as I had thought, but to my diary entry from hier where I simultaneously confront John on being psychotic and my own fantasies of eventually becoming boyfriends with him. Beautiful man (with girl and dog) smiles at me as they make room for me to pass on Mt.D. (*Relates to my thoughts about my Rosa Parks dream, just mentioned, I think.) See ”End of October” on my way down Faxon towards home. In p.m. feel like such a fool for my 33-year “relationship” with John.

August 4 dream:  Start new job typing preliminary reports like I did in the ’90s. Boss asked us if we wanted insurance. Woman co-worker got very emotional and said she trusted him, the boss.

August 4 dream:  Go to pool party. Leave for home. Pick up new pair of socks. Get sock stuck in my throat. Some cute guys there.

August 4 dream:  Entire class goes to porno theater as a field trip. Reminds me of the time I saw J. (in another dream) at a gay porno theater.

August 3, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Then CVS. Tall guy with hot ass at Starbucks. Then Teresita home. Run into Jun on Judson. He gives me ride home. Then meet Clifton at W.F. I say: “Do you know why there’s a pickle shortage?” He thinks I’m telling a joke. I say: “No, I’m not telling a joke. I’ve been to Safeway, Mollie Stones and here, and there are no more pickle chips or pickle relish.” In p.m., without any forewarning, John shows up at my door. I invite him in. We make out. We have sex. It was nothing to write home about. But, after 33 years of foreplay, we finally got down to business. I doubt I’ll see much of him again. And that’s fine, too. I think he is psychotic, which to my understanding means that he is somebody without empathy. So it’s hard to have great sex with somebody who has no empathy. After all, sex is more than mutual masturbation. Good sex requires empathy. But as Prospero said of Caliban, “This thing of darkness I acknowledge mine.” So John may be psychotic, but he’s my psychotic. When I was crying almost uncontrollably while watching Carousel on August 1, I asked myself: “Does this relate to my father or something else from my past?” No, I think it related to something in my future. I think it related to my loss of John. Because I think I have lost him now. Now my only question is how does this relate to the Rosa Parks dream of 1995. The Rosa Parks dream intimated that my “games” with John would conclude after a football game in Dallas, Texas and then two simultaneous football games in Washington, D.C. and Miami, Florida. As I said in my diary of May 9, 2020, “Since these two games [Washington, D.C. and Miami, Florida], I think, represent political corruption (the fall of Bernie) and biological corruption (the Covid-19 crisis), the relationship with J. will end when these two crises end.”

August 3 dream:  Have the whole downstairs to myself so I decide to masturbate. Then my sister comes in. Later, I mirror woman in her pain of losing a lover.

August 3 dream:  Volunteered for a bit at office. There was not much to do so I left. Had seen J. in very sexy pants just before.

August 2, 2020:  Do online work. Nap. Return Sarah’s call. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. CVS. Starbucks. Cute guy in mask looks at me. Teresita home. Run into Franklin (Railroad Expresso’s Jesse’s brother) on Gennessee. Other neighbor stops by. We have real neighborhood confab for about 20 minutes. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Pandemic fatigue and anxiety is beyond ability to cope normally. My conclusion: Truth is one people, one power, infinite ability, uncollared, unleashed, all hands on deck being the only norm, the True pandemic.

August 2 dream:  Had to cut through human carcass as initiation into cult. May have cut my finger in the process.

August 2 dream:  Everybody at work was being nice to me. I felt like crying ’cause I hadn’t had very nice thoughts about them. Someone brought in pastries, etc.

August 2 dream:  Going through special police training with Armando S. to stand watch in the Castro this evening and a few other times each month. At end of training, he rolled Armando into a ball and rolled him down a shoot to back of pick-up truck.

August 2 dream:  Go to lowest level at homeless shelter. Some naked young homeless guys there. One smiles at me. Then another says, “Come with me.” Then woman with shaved head is calling her family to apologize.

August 1, 2020:  Translation workshop on Zoom at 9 a.m. Bills. Monthly BB. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. and back to Safeway around 4 p.m. My cashier is Israel (from Honduras) who I met on July 25. (*Relates to shits of hier around 4 p.m., I think.) 4 police cars pull up to arrest guys on Judson on #43 home. View Carousel in p.m. Lots of crying.

August 1 dream:  Cute Mexican guy with much of his mouth removed and TV screen on his forehead which said, “Move, puta.” I began kissing him and holding him. Feeling his body. His ass. I knew he was trouble. He wanted pens which contained drugs. (h.o.)

August 1 dream:  Big movie-like battle scene between Islamists and West. We were walking along and ugly, mean guy wants to recruit me. I break away. He pops up again later. Follow guy who is climbing up building to his car parked above. He drives it down building. It flings over.

August 1 dream:  Want to walk on a new section of bridge. It is a moving string of wire that you just have to hang onto the whole way. Wasn’t sure I could do it. Woke up. (h.o.)

July 31, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Feel shits coming on. Make it almost to the top. Then head back. Find open porta-potty on Cresta Vista, but decide against it. Rush home. Take shits. Walk to 7-11 to buy Chron. Cute Islamic guy still there. Stop at Java Hut on Ocean for matcha latte. Cute Asian couple with pink cake box on elevator up. Prosperos Zoom group from 5:30 to 6:30 p.m. Tom C. there. He tells me BNC stands for Benefits Loan Center, which is a nonprofit he works for in Seattle.

July 31 dream:  Woman picks up type of ship she wants to enlist on. My friend picks ship different than mine. (h.o.)

July 30, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Find $1 on Plymouth. Mt.D. CVS. Kaleb at Starbucks. (Felt dizzy and weak so go on sweets spree: chocolate bar at CVS, coffee frappuccino at Starbucks, soy latte and brownie at Cafe Bello, lemon pie at Ocean Avenue liquor store.) Follow guy on Teresita, down Foerster, down Monterey. Finally pass him. He stops to let me by. I turn around to get a good look. I go on to C.B. at G.P. Then BART from G.P to Balboa. Follow cute Asian guy into liquor store on Ocean. Then home.

July 30 dream:  I told my parents who were talking quietly in the same room: “I’m going to go to bed now. You can continue talking if you like.”

July 30 dream:  Trip in dream.

July 30 dream:  Me typing something with only 5 or 6 working keys. Painter painting moving picture.

July 30 dream:  Looking for phone nos. of woman who does T-shirts in upper Castro. 624-624?

July 29, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Woman with big breasts on Ocean Avenue. Singing on my ascent to Mt.D. again. Not on descent. Pat at CVS. Nice talk with him about two books he’s reading: Your Perfect Right and A Guide to Emotional Living. Then Kaleb at Starbucks (*I complimented his tattoos on July 16.) He talked about being employee of the month. Take shoes to be repaired. Guy’s name is Johnnie, he says, as in “Johnnie be good.” Watch YouTube movie where Charles Dickens was portrayed. I got very excited.

July 29 dream:  We congratulate ourselves on figuring everything out, but there’s still some people right next door who know where we are and are out to get us.

July 29 dream:  Meet at big long table to propose our idea to bank as we had to the BofA before. They were not able to help us, but they were very nice.

July 29 dream:  My roommate moved out. My small apartment is repainted. Looks pretty good. Building is still a cockroach building. Am sent to jail on 8/22.

July 28, 2020:  Call Heather in a.m. Write BB blog on “What is the opportunity for Prosperos in this time of crisis?” In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth. Guy with nice legs (read:  ass) on Casitas. Guy singing as I ascend Mt.D. but not as I descend. Pat at CVS too busy to talk with me. He gave guy before me lots of money and a receipt. Two cute cashiers at M.S. who ignore my interest in them. Bought dark chocolate bar. #43 home. Insight: Bought chocolate bar to improve me mood? Just like my parents did when I was a kid?

July 28 dream:  Calvin’s cat trying to dominate my attention.

July 28 dream:  Driving up towards Washington state with other guy. He wakes me up at 2:30 a.m. and tells me it’s my turn. We’re in a big trailer van. But we don’t know each other.

July 28 dream:  Take off on a three day trip. See Hanz’s roommate from my window. He has on all-white outfit with low-rise back, complimenting all the wonderful parts of his body. He smiles at me. Then on to Denver. Realize I forgot to put clothes in my suitcase, I confess to friendly woman co-passenger.

July 27, 2020:  Go to VA. They said my appointment had been cancelled. Go home. Hang-up call in a.m. Another call in p.m. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Young guy putting on his mask outside Aptos Park smiles at me. Walk to W.P. Hawk over alley way. Cute Asian guy at Peets goes to back room. Out comes tall, dark, handsome guy from July 25, I think. He’s wearing a red bandana mask. I say: “I like your mask.” He says: “Thanks.” I say: “Where did you get it?” He says: “It’s just a bandana.” I say: “Yeah, I think when I run out of these [my current masks], I’ll start wearing one of those. They’re stylish and looks like you’re robbing the place.” He says: “Yeah. Both.” I laugh. (*Relates to my slip and fall from hier on Mt.D., I think.) Go to Ezzy-Freezy across the street. Grocery clerk there gives me double look. Also cute blond, curly-haired clark helps me look for macaroni salad. Walk up Ulloa to Laguna Honda. #43 home.

July 27 dream:  Walking home through basement of building. Run into Michael K. and Hanz. They’re not very friendly. See woman walking around in a cage. I’m reading about King Arthur.

July 27 dream:  Dinner prepared at house by the animals.

July 27 dream:  Take pee at resto. I had written a few good articles about androgyny for some local papers. Heather there. Barbara Hager. Others.

July 27 dream:  Moved into 19th floor of tall office building. Electricity goes off. My boss and his gay sun and boyfriend had arrived. There was a fancy party next door. Suddenly I saw all sort of really well-dressed people rushing for the elevator.

July 26, 2020:  Wake up early. Do online work. Take nap. (*See nap dream.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. via Ocean and Portola. Cute cashier at 7-11. Slip and fall on Mt.D. Cute guy hiking up Mt.D. smiles at me. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Erroneous identity promotes separations and limitations. My conclusion: True Consciousness is the only identity of who or what is, the only conception/perception of who or what is, therefore all that can be promoted is boundless indivisible Being. Originally Melissa wanted us to Translate something about “cancel culture.” Later realized the reason I got so upset was because “cancel culture” is a ruse from what we should have been Translating: Trump’s invasion of American cities.

July 26 nap dream:  I wanted to show Thane something that needed to be corrected. He says he’s already taken care of it.

July 26 dream:  3 or so different women coming in for interview for our pope. One came in and turned into a volleyball.

July 26 dream:  Visit ashram. Calvin there. Leigh there. Wait in line to give back book. Someone tells Calvin he should check out a gym.

July 26 dream:  Miss buses 74, 43 and 11. Had never heard of the 74 bus before. (*Relates to finding out the VA had cancelled my appointment this a.m. without telling me?)

July 25, 2020:  Wake up early. Do online work. Take nap. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. via W.P. See “Best is Yet To Come” on Ocean Avenue. My right heel falls off at Peets W.P. Tall dark handsome barristo there. Walk to Mt.D. and on to Safeway. Beautiful bag boy there named Israel. #43 home.

July 25 dream:  Listening to beautiful music alone in my apt., adjusting the volume from time to time. Then walking home thru the woods. Hear children’s voices and think I should rush home. Try to rush, but can’t or won’t.

July 25 dream:  Jane Fonda and Robert Redford in movie. I’m their son. Set is backyard of house with bathtub shaped pool and little house in back. I joke that we could put a homeless person there. Other son drives truck down ramp just wide enough. Other couple there, too, kind of in love.

July 24, 2020:  Cancel my monthly $50 contribution to Shahid’s campaign. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. and turn around immediately. Run into same family on the way down and on the same black as on the way up, indicating to me that a cycle has been complete. Then notice beautiful man on Bella Vista. He notices me noticing him and smiles. Monterey liquor store. #43 home. Cold, windy day. 5:30 p.m. Zoom meeting with about 15 Prosperos. Saw Tom C. for first time in 20 or 30 years. There was definitely a catch in my throat when I recognized him.

July 24 dream:  Friend tells me I should take an aspirin and listen to the ocean when I go under water again.

July 24 dream:  77 something.

July 23, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Latino gardener on back of truck on Lansdale. See mouse scurrying down his hole on exiting Mt.D. CVS. Starbucks. Follow cute guy with nice ass and CU (University of Colorado) sweatshirt. I talk with him briefly outside Tower Burgers. He kind of backs away, so I do too. Down Teresita, call Mary L. re Shahid Buttar. Anonymous call about 5 p.m. Talk more with Mary L. Later, fantasizing about moving into Mary’s vacant 2-bedroom apartment with J. Then realize I really didn’t want to move in with J. Then realize I don’t have to move in with J. Just like I don’t have “move in” with my Dad. It was a liberating moment.

July 23 dream:  Guy comes in. Wants to sleep in our room. There is one bunk still available and he’s cute so…

July 23 dream:  Paul Fortis (or Joanne) says there’s some tainted meat. Wants to know if I want it?

July 23 dream:  Job interview at end of dream. I start talking to interviewer about healing being a melding of mind and body.

July 23 dream:  Dream I am in French class.

July 22, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Thinking about J. Then beautiful, long-haired Asian guy sitting alone in lobby snaps me out of my trance. I ask him (jokingly) why he isn’t wearing a mask. We talk briefly. Walk to Mt.D. Go to M.S. Cashier is a kind Asian man. I am upset by co-worker who comes up and interrupts my time with him. On Teresita flag says: “You’ll Never Walk Alone.” My friend Sky drives up and asks me if I want to practice speaking French with her. Find out Shahid Buttar accused of sexual abuse of co-worker in p.m. Insight: Contract with my father (He “keeps a roof over my head.” I pretend to be “good boy.”) Since he is no longer “keeping a roof over my head,” I no longer have to be a “good boy.”

July 22 dream:  Having big pot luck dinner with the 3 Smith sisters families. Leigh there. Joanne. (h.o.)

July 22 dream:  Studying at elite school. Reading book on city planning, I think. Teacher said it was not an approved book. She recommended one on Trump. I tried to find out the title.

July 22 dream:  Guy on my balcony looking in. Scares me. I try to get out of bed. Wake up.

July 21, 2020:  Wake up early. Do my online work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. My friend without his apron at CVS. Found out his name is Pat. We have fun talk. Other boychick in background. Starbucks. Teresita home. Gang of 4 or 5 teen boys. One quite gorgeous. Lose my mask for 2nd day in a row.

July 21 nap dream:  Go back to place where I used to live. Lots of cockroaches. Woman says we should catch up. I say: “What’s happening in your household?” She says she’s bought a 2-unit property in Mexico.

July 21 dream:  Ask speaker about other candidates for president. He doesn’t really come up with any I like. (Presidents, in this case, I think refers to boyfriends.)

July 21 dream:  Something about not having contributed to the school lately.

July 21 dream:  I’m working for real estate company. Trying to find #55. Very cute guy says it’s near Lockstep.

July 21 dream:  Guy seeming to be stepping out of the ocean saying, “Turnkey.”  (*Relates to YouTube video I view on July 23: “Bret Weinstein and Matt Taibbi: Corruption and its Consequences”)

July 20, 2020:  Sarah F. calls. In ’til 3:30. Walk to Mt.D. Lose mask on the way so come back early. Michael Brooks (YouTube star) dies unexpectedly. Heather W. says she never got my email which I sent on June 11 volunteering to give Translation workshop. After comic call from anonymous caller, I come to the conclusion that she’s lying.

July 20 dream:  Not convinced the murderer is who everybody says he is. (h.o.) (*Relates to Heather lying to me? See diary of July 20.)

July 20 dream:  Trying to deposit $10,000 worth of wet deposit slips. It doesn’t work. Later with about six bags of luggage, the bank manager and I and fat school kid and his mom all go out for Chinese.

July 19, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. CVS. Teresita home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Entrenched possessive viewpoints can stifle creativity and waste valuable intellectual property. My conclusion: Truth is the sole proprietor and the sole property, all one standpoint, always all ways, of unrestrained originality, of inestimable value, all knowledge, exclusive of waste.

July 19 dream:  Thinking of asking out Leigh. Then thinking again.

July 19 dream:  Two Asian brothers who look alike at cafe.

July 18, 2020:  Slept ’til 11ish. In ’til 3ish. Nasty black street guy at Ocean Avenue crosswalk. He begins yelling at me since we were both waiting to cross the street. (*Relates to email from Calvin H. indirectly accusing me of being a racist for posting an anti-racist video on the BB, I think.) Walk to Mt.D. Turn around and go to Safeway. Guy with two dogs from June 26 and other dates. He smiles at me when I start talking to his dog. Stop by Jun’s. Get haircut and buy more masks. He thinks I should be “dating.” Safeway. Home. Kerfuffle over Sunday Meeting link kind of lasted all day.

July 18 dream:  Working on the anti-Trump campaign with Rick Thomas. (Big h.o.)  (*Relates to telling Rick I will be joining his discussion group on Friday?)

July 18 dream:  About to make presentation about how much this work has meant to us. Two of my key players are forgetting the most significant part of their testimonials.

July 18 dream:  Older woman trying to seduce me.

July 17, 2020:  Up early. After online work, take one hour nap. In ’til 3ish. Wanted to walk to Mt.D. via W.P. Reason: guy in mask smiling at me in front of W.P. bookstore. Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Hawk on Ulloa. Then Mt.D. Then home.

July 17 nap dream:  John and I touching our backsides behind bathroom mirror.

July 17 dream:  Four cute, naked guys all seemed to be paired up. I told my friend I’d see him later. On top floor of building. Near where they showed movies sometimes.

July 17 dream:  Involved (more as an observer) in demonstrations against the police for 2nd day. One of the women brought a watermelon. Somebody is calling for a “Med.”

July 17 dream:  Waiting tables on a pier in a family-owned resto.

July 16, 2020:  In ’til 11 a.m. #49 to 16th & Mission. As I get off bus, I give black guy a dirty look. I go back to atone and he smiles at me with his eyes. #22 to dental appointment. I am over an hour early. So I walk to the Castro and back. I realize that dream about me walking away from Jimmy (3rd dream of July 15) may have been my unconscious mind’s way of telling me that I’m finally walking away from John. Have nice chat with dental hygienist. Walk up Market to Starbucks Portola. Compliment baristo on his tattoos. Walk to Mt.D. and home. Then W.F. cashier named Sanders. Insight: My relationship with Jimmy S. back in 1970 was a lie. My relationship with my father and my step-family from 1956 on was a lie. My 33 year “relationship” with John H. was a lie. Realizing this has been a real kick in the balls. (*See diary of June 10, 2020.) But that’s why I made the psychic contract with John that I did back in January of 1987. And I think that contract has been fulfilled. Even my father tried to tell me back in the ’80s at my step-sister’s home in Palm Desert when he said, “Do you think this [referring to the step-family] is a big lie?” (See diary of April 20, 2020.)

July 16 dream:  Go to spot. Then return. The water is rushing. Then it slows down. (h.o.)

July 16 dream:  Begin new job on 10th floor. Work trickles in. I had been working on 11th, 12th and 13th floor.

July 15, 2020:  Single ring call at 11:15 a.m. and another at 11:25 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. White guy on Plymouth smiles at me with his eyes. On to Mt.D. My CVS friend (who looks good without his apron on). Starbucks. Walk down Teresita. Three police cars. Stop by Beep’s. Adoré there. He tells me he’s moving back to Ingleside from Stockton and that his girlfriend fucked his best friend. I think he told me more than he intended. (*Relates to hawk flying into tree hier?)

July 15 dream:  In room with cellphone which doesn’t turn on and is too long. (h.o.)

July 15 dream:  Go to Easter Sunday services. Look for flower to buy. I am all forgiveness and light.

July 15 dream:  Thane at a Sunday Meeting talking about me walking away from Jimmy [Savant]. I’m in the kitchen cleaning up. (*Relates to me walking away from John?)

July 15 dream:  Fly over to library to get the book Network so I can finish what I’m writing. Very tall librarian there. I ask if they can help me even though I’m not homeless.

July 15 dream:  Go to place to get ready for six times. Then woman tells me I shouldn’t be there. Carol Carter asks about not answering their phone on weekends.

July 14, 2020:  Wake up early. Finish online work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Shits before I head out. Hear hawk on Yerba Buena Avenue. Then see hawk and two crows on Casitas. Hawk appears to run into tree. Crows sit on tree branch. Continue to hear hawk after passing him. Mario at CVS. He helped elderly Asian lady in wheelchair. So did I. Starbucks. Walk down Teresita. Run into same construction worker who tok his pants off on July 9. We exchanged looks. Walk to Gennessee and Monterey. #43 home. Call from Dean Preston’s housing campaign. I pledge $30. I’m a new grand uncle. My nephew had a new girl named Tomi Jordyn (after my brother Tom and his son Jordan).

July 14 dream:  Going around the room full of storage and people preparing for a party of sorts. I’m running around dusting the couch, etc. Someone asks me: “Who has been doused?” They say: “Ask Mary who has been doused?” I ask Mary. She says: “You have been doused.” I continue running around the room, now very emotional.

July 14 dream:  Some of us, including Melissa D., did a simulation of a take-off thru space, though we thought it was real at the time. Perhaps a real one to follow?

July 14 dream:  Take commuter train in wrong direction. End up in part of town I haven’t been to in quite a while. It seemed very exciting. I saw view of city I wanted to take a photo of, but it quickly disappeared. Caught up with my friends, two of whom were running for office.

July 14 dream:  Al H. pleased with how he handled a situation. Tom C. around.

July 13, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then M.S. Pretty girl in the vegetable aisle relates to peripheral hawk from hier, I think. Walk home via Teresita.

July 13 dream:  3-part walk-thru ending up at Oakland parking lot with newly approved dining area.

July 13 dream:  Telling someone about the time I met Hemingway and not telling it very well.

July 13 dream:  At work at same office as my mother. I give her some work since I se her inbox is empty. She is offended. I say: “Okay, I’ll never give you any work again.” Page had 88888 on it.

July 12, 2020:  Wake up early. Get all my online work done. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Take “shits” just before leaving. Walk to Mt.D. Follow cute runner down a different path than usual. Leads me to hawk in my peripheral view. At CVS, have loving moment with my friend from June 30 and July 4 as I enter. Cute cop comes into Starbucks. His pants easily riding up his ass. Young boy yelling out to older guy on Teresita: “Oh, Billy, you’re so mean.” Sweet waving skateboarder at S.P. May have seen Apt. 429 couple walking towards Unity Plaza. Guy is goofy.

July 12 nap dream:  Drove to part of town I’d never been to before.  Maybe a black area.  Drove carefully thru indoor plaza.  Woman singing(?)  Herb Caen offers drinks.

July 12 dream:  Go to nude mixed bar. We’re still clothed and it’s all guys but the room is moving around like a merry-go-round.

July 12 dream:  Everyone’s in the rec room with their swim suits on. Girl asks me to drag her in on the floor as a sort of entrance. When we finish, people applaud. Jon Stewart there. People accuse him of being part of this only to show off his whiteness.

July 12 dream:  Have not been showing up for work lately. And haven’t gone in to tell them why.

July 11, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up to Mt.D. and back to Safeway. Hear hawk several times on Los Palmos. #43 home. Feel really sad about decision to move. Realize dream about crossing over bridge on July 4 may relate to my hyper-worrying about moving to Guerneville. Later tell my worrying self to shut the fuck up. Then realize that’s exactly what I’m saying to the folks on top of me in Apt. 429.

July 11 dream:  Me and Alan Deakins rushing thru the Castro looking for somebody Stop in to bar/resto to take a pee. Suzanne D. also there.

July 10, 2020:  Insight: My compulsion about my looks is part of my complicity with my father? In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. See “Truly, Truly, Truly” candy bar wrappers at Mt.D. CVS guy (who looks hot without his apron on) and I had nice conversation about conservative vs. liberal newspapers. Starbucks. Walk down Teresita. Cute gardener in garage. Group of construction guys across the street. (Guy who took off his pants hier might be one of them.) Guy on motor scooter riding by blasting out “Everything’s Gonna Be Alright.” Home. Neighbor in upstairs apartment shaking the building. I go up. Finally cute, quiet Asian guy comes to door. Denies everything. Later I think I’m in love again.

July 10 dream:  Visit Guerneville summer home. Dance in living room with Laurie. Lot of really nice silverware needs washing. I think: “It’s not really my dream. I don’t care at all about this house.”

July 10 dream:  Splitting the Guerneville people up into separate cars, 4 or so each.

July 10 dream:  Trying to find somebody without knowing their address. UPS truck, two dogs. Sewing machine. Orderly gets sleeves stripped off him.

July 9, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Walking up Lansdale, man slips on his driveway. I say: “Accidents happen.” On to Mt.D. Then CVS. Then Starbucks. Down Teresita. Cross street to be near cute guy. Then his friend appears and takes off his pants sitting on the rear gate of his car. He has on silk underpants. He looks at me. I raise my eyebrows and sip on my matcha frappuccino. Continue home kind of turned on and happy. In p.m., see high bridge in movie (*Relates to my dream of July 4?)

July 9 dream:  Pot luck with the family is coming to an end. One of my uncles is taking off. He’s gong to a Neptunian city, I point out. I think ’cause he’s very Neptunian. In the hallway some people gather to see “how much it’s grown.” Don’t know what that refers to. Maybe contributions toward something.

July 9 dream:  Preparing papers, etc., to buy a car. I tell my uncle: “I’ve never done this before.”

July 9 dream:  Dog with missing rear left paw.

July 9 dream:  Woman landlord flirts with me. Something about 20 hours. After 8 p.m., she’ll leave me alone.

July 9 dream:  Seeing a ghost of something. Feeling presence of my father.

July 8, 2020:  Anonymous call just before noon. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Scooter on Ocean Avenue sidewalk runs into me and vice versa. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Then on to CVS. Cashier there without his apron looked a lot hotter than I’d ever noticed before. Buy Almond Joy candy bar. Walk down Teresita. Police car stops on the way, checking me out. I stop as well until they move on. Pelvic pain from the chocolate bar.

July 8 dream:  Change houses for an overnight meeting. I’m due to sleep in the living room now. Someone else in charge of keeping the temperature at 75 degrees instead of me.

July 8 dream:  Rick Thomas is showing me where the lottery money is. Some $15,394 or so.

July 8 dream:  “What makes Mitch McConnell happy at 7? A man at 5.”

July 7, 2020:  Call at about 9 a.m. Woke me up. I forgot to unplug my phone. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Hear child singing “Jingle Bells.” Two-ring call shortly after I reached peak of Mt.D. at about 3:45 p.m. See “Congratulations Presidio Middle School Graduate 2020” in window of my Asian friend on Rockdale Drive. Congratulate graduate washing her car on Teresita. Talk with right-wing but nice vet on Teresita. Insight: Me being complicit with my father. Admitting my complicity, I am now in a position to extricate myself from my complicity. After insight, my heart racing all evening and all night.

July 7 dream:  President Hall arrived at banquet. I accompany her to her table. Other security guard is even more intimate with her.

July 7 dream:  Going to gay bar. Come out. Meet with two friends who like me along with others from where we live. See very interesting (i.e., hot) guy walk by.

July 7 dream:  Meeting with some guys over a meal. Will meet again on Friday via phone.

July 6, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Feel “shits” coming on. Rush home and shit. Walk again up to Mt.D. Forgot my mask so came directly home. See “essential.” Also “frontier.” Feel strong sense of love for Jun after hearing anti-hate ad about Asians on TYT.

July 6 dream:  In my usual place of an apartment with many floors. Lots of young male staff. Me and a friend sneak in one night. I throw ice cream in face of one of our pursuers. It’s some kind of cult or military outfit. Everyone is very well-trained though they are surprised and outwitted by us. In the end we are still inside but they are running around like Keystone Cops.

July 6 dream:  Last day of volunteering. I drop my tomato juice when my partner stops to talk with somebody. Walk to corner on Castro. Our neighbor vendor just spray-painted her stand so doesn’t want us to lean up against it. I’m in a bad mood ’til I remember it’s our last day volunteering.

July 5, 2020:  In ’til 39sh. Walk to Mt.D. run into my lost Asian friend from July 2 on Rockdale Drive. He was in the driveway with his father, I think. On to CVS. Then Teresita to Safeway. Then #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: The pandemic causes disruption to our routines and options.
 My conclusion: Consciousness/Truth is sufficient unto Itself, one cause being manifested in infinite variety of personhood; the only consequence, the only outcome, the only upshot, the only outturn, the only effect, the only reaction, the only repercussion, the only reverberation, the only ramification, the only end, the only conclusion, the only termination, the only culmination, the only corollary, the only concomitant, the only aftermath, the only product, the only byproduct, the only solution, the only sequelae, the only payoff, the only issue, the only yield, the only success; all ways, always, all roads, all routes, all routines; with absolutely no disruption and with infinite certitude.

July 5 dream:  Boat captain couples(?) with each other. At end we are all asked to get off the boat and line up on the water to see if we have cancer.

July 5 dream:  Off to give talk at the Castro Theatre. Before: Found out co-workers politics and it affected our relationship. Beautiful tall, dark naked man in the dressing room.

July 4, 2020:  Sarah F. calls midday. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. My friend from June 30 is there. He says he likes my T-shirt. I think he is commenting on whatever political slogan is printed, but later realize he was coming on to me. Anyhow, we started talking about politics. He tells me that he’s only 19 but that the last election day in 2016 he and a friend were trying to figure out which one would be worse. I joked: “Now you know.” (*Relates to young hawk on Teresita Boulevard from hier, I think.) Walked Teresita home. Insight: Looking up the word endocrine which creates hormones and realizing that my father wouldn’t like that.

July 4 dream:  In town for two weeks. Big conference after week 1. Then we can enjoy the city.

July 4 dream:  Returning from trip to Seattle. My friend (Chris Christie) is driving an empty bus. I’m sitting in the middle. He drives up extremely high single lane ramp over bay. I’m scared so I go to sleep. Later see whales swimming by. Then turtle. Then we are in town. Lots of activity. And now the bus is full. I am reading book about nuclear winter. My friend says he has an earlier copy if I want.

July 3, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Firemen on Lee Avenue. On to Mt.D. On way down, hear two young boys talking to each other. One says: “That would be a good thing to meditate on.” See “Giant” on parked car. At M.S. woman gets in line ahead of me. But this allows me to see my friend of June 16 and June 26 just as I’m leaving. See guy walking his dog on Teresita. I struggle to see his face as there is a light pole in the way. (*See dream of June 29.) Once I see his face, he looks and smiles a lot like J. I think of following him, but police car drives by. A little later youngish hawk flying by on Teresita. Fire trucks on way home. (Sweets:  Eat almost a whole pint of coffee ice cream.) Work on MSM in p.m.

July 3 dream:  Someone wanted me to create story that she says will be a best-seller.

July 3 dream:  Gang of black youth calls me over. I ignore them. Black guy from SNL asks me for money again. I’ve already given him $3 or so.

July 3 dream:  Climb thru window feet first over ledge with help of black friend.

July 3 dream:  Take bridge across bay from Oakland to S.F. Then remember there’s a new bridge over the bay which would be fun to cross.

July 2, 2020:  Anonymous call at 2:40 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Pass handsome masked guy on way down. Then follow young Asian guy dressed in black. He seems lost. Walk home. Then turn around and try to run into Asian guy again. I do. He still seems  lost. I continue on to CVS. Then down Teresita. Decide to look again for Asian guy. Walk up Mt.D again. On way down run into handsome masked guy again. He is reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. We talk about ½ hour. He works for company which is looking for anti-Covid medication. His name is Max. He’s from Phoenix. He had never heard of Christian Science. At end of our conversation he took his mask down. We saluted each other on leaving. Wondered how all this related to mad dog from hier. Then got angry call from somebody who called me John and wanted to survey me about my timeshare. I got my answer. Somebody was pissed off that I made a new friend (Max). (*Relates to mad dog from hier, I think.)

July 2 dream:  Am working at police dept. Need to change one letter in ink. I change whole row. Boss doesn’t seem to mind.

July 2 dream:  All I need to do is lay low.

July 1, 2020:  Bills and BB in a.m. Cancel Chicago virtual tour. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Mad dog chases after me. Guy at CVS today I thought was the same as hier, but he wasn’t. Also, very hot young couple, especially the guy. Was glad when they left the store. Nice guy at Starbucks. Walk down Teresita. Cute guy in shorts walking by with 4 or 5 young boys around him. He says, “Hi.” I say, “Hi.” (*Relates to hawk from hier on Mt.D.?) Anonymous call at 5:25 p.m.. Berniecrats meeting in p.m. Bevan Dufty there. I ask him a question via chat. He responds, then says: “Nice to see your name again.” I blush. Also ask school board candidate about lifelong learning. She’s a big fan, she says. Ask John Avalos about public banking for S.F. In p.m. realize my pelvic pain relates to my father,  and me always taking the blame for everything.

July 1 dream:  Murder investigation on a train.

July 1 dream:  Trying to adjust a map online via touch, and failing.

July 1 dream:  Biden in the middle of a talk at the podium. He follows a woman to the side of the room and kisses her, saying: “Oh, I love you so much.” She is freaked. Suzanne D. stops by.

July 1 dream:  Miss a whole day of work. When I go, the place is packed with people doing something else. Carol Carter there. Later some large older women in old fashioned dresses sitting on the lawn.

July 1 dream:  Listening to fundamentalist Christian woman on TV. Wondering what made her tick. Then other people started wandering in and talking about things. I was surprised since things like this usually didn’t happen to me.

June 30, 2020:  Anonymous phone call at 7:05 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Shits before I go. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk as I exit park. Then CVS. (*Hawk at S.P. hier relates to cashier at CVS?) Down Teresita to Safeway. Drop energy drink and it breaks while I’m trying to put on my mask. Look into condo in Chicago in p.m.

June 30 dream:  My boss is running out of money.

June 29, 2020:  (Sweets: one pancake with jelly.) In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Have to shit. Run home. Have shits. Walk again to Mt.D. Then CVS. Then down Teresita home. Hawk at S.P.

June 29 dream:  Two young guys in flashback from movie try to kidnap Bill Fortis, my cousin. He ties up his sewing machine and says: “There’s more chance of you taking this than taking me on beachfront home.” At first he tried to hide behind bannister. “Yes,” he says. “$4 to $19.”

June 28, 2020:  Happy Pride! (Sweets: two small slices of berry pie.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. then CVS. Then down Teresita and Bella Vista home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Individual rights to earn a living can conflict with individual responsibility to maintain their health. My conclusion: Consciousness, the only Individual, is entitled to all that is, can lay claim to all that is; can rest secure in its infinite livelihood and boundless health, which are its indisputable due. Heard on “Jung to Live By” YT about a man who had his wife’s heart attack.

June 28 dream:  Using someone’s bed(?)

June 28 dream:  My bank runs out of deposit slips. Manager wants to take me in room and explain what to do. Other customer comes in and they talk. It’s about 10 a.m. I have to get to other bank by 1:05 p.m. before they close. I’m getting anxious.

June 28 dream:  Still trying to get the money in the right bank account. Find two dollar bills in the trash.

June 27, 2020:  (Sweets: 3 small slices of berry pie in a.m.) In ’til 3ish. Beautiful Asian runner on Ocean Avenue. He smiled as I couldn’t take my eyes off his crotch. Runner on Colon Avenue smiled as he left his house. I saw him later on Cresta Vista Drive. Go to Mt.D. Then down Ulloa towards W.P. Hawk soars high above to my right. Beautiful black-haired baristo at Peets W.P. He resisted my entreaties. See book called San Francisco Earthquake. Then walked down San Andreas Way.

June 27 dream:  Returning back to the city by commuter bus. My brother Tom had comped me a ticket since he works for Greyhound. When my turn in line comes, driver said: “Let’s sit down [and figure this out].”

June 26, 2020:  Shits at 3 p.m. Walk to Mt.D. Run in to beautiful guy walking with two dogs. I’ve passed him maybe 4 or 5 times before. He has greeted me in the past but not today. On to Mt.D. Then M.S. Cute checker who fled from me on June 16 stuck around this time and even wished me a nice day. EMT guy on Lee Avenue. I get mad ’cause he seemed to be posing for female co-worker. Later realized he was posing for me. Reminded me of the time I saw J. entering Eric’s apt. in the late ’80s. I thought: “He seems so happy. He must really like Eric.” Later I realized he was happy to see me. (Sweet diary: two small slices of berry pie.)

June 26 dream:  Rude female reporter from The Oracle comes to interview me. There are cockroaches on the ceiling. I say: “Who’s is that?” She says: “What school did you go to?” I say: “Saratoga High School.”

June 25, 2020:  Fire alarms all morning. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Cute Asian homeowner on Plymouth. On to Mt.D. Then down Teresita to Safeway. #43 home. (Sweets: Touch of ice cream. Small slice of berry pie.) In p.m., remembering fellow sailor I went to Grande island with back in ’66.

June 25 dream:  A crime has been committed. Everyone, everything being isolated for examination and classification. Me, too. (h.o.)

June 25 dream:  I’m alone in the house. I put a mannequin in the window so people would think I wasn’t alone. Harriet and Nancy return home. Nancy had bought me some soft gay porn, an astrological calendar and other magazines.

June 24, 2020:  My primary, Wilson Fong, called at 10 a.m. Since I had spent yesterday afternoon railing at him in my mind, it went okay. Video about the late Rebecca Floyd made me sad. Humming bird flies to my balcony window. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Stray dog on Ridgewood. At first meek. Then started barking at me. On to Mt.D. Then M.S. Had coffee/chocolate bar. Walk home. Beep’s. Adoré there. He’s not thrilled to see me. Just happy. Had root beer float. Insight: Brother Tom also had compulsion to constantly look at real estate options. Also: Feeling safer now that I’m turning off my phones at night.

June 24 dream:  Put on somebody else’s underwear ’cause I couldn’t find my own and didn’t want to start a new pair. Hoped nobody would catch me.

June 24 dream:  Big, long, hard-on while peeing in public restroom. Strange man waits a little too close. There is shit in the bowl. I flush it. As I try to wash my hands, guy tries to take shower at work.

June 24 dream:  A friend of mine is cooking something outdoors with a spatula which I had lent him. He walks off for a moment.

June 23, 2020:  Dr. Goodman (the woman who examined my balls on June 12 and the woman who the VA said I could not meet with) calls about 10:30 a.m. I just happened to notice my phone ringing in passing ’cause I had shut down the volume the night before. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then back home. Cute Asian guy as I arrive home. Election results in p.m. Bowman beats corporate Democrat lodged for 30 years in his sinecure.

June 23 dream:  My brother and I getting ready to put back the rug we took out from our grandmother’s basement apt.

June 23 dream:  In group activity, I am paired with guy who also has a fear of being left out. Read off a letter from Mayor London Breed: “She’s in acting trim. She has a whip. And she plans to use it on her foes!” On board a ship, I think. (h.o.)

June 23 dream:  Garden of Eden emerges from the floor. We are trying to figure out if I have caused an electrical short and/or how people behaved then.

June 22, 2020:  VA calls insisting I meet with my primary instead of the doctor who examined my balls. I’m very mad. My primary is a condescending idiot. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Dead rat in front of CVS. Stop by M.S. Guy with Colorado T-shirt after. As I’m on Gennessee walking home, car stops by and offers me a ride. Turns out it’s Jun and his wife. They drive me to W.F. There’s no line so I go in. Cute guy with salmon colored shorts. My stomach goes flip-flop. He gets in line behind me at check out stand.

June 22 dream:  Trying to attract shark into human circle. Shark trying to rip off swim suits and more. Only the shark was on the shore.

June 22 dream:  Run into guy who tries to weasel his way into my life. Then run into my father. He’s acting weird, too. Then Harriet arrives looking pouty. I leave them to it.

June 22 dream:  Last minute letters need to be sent out at end of work day.

June 21, 2020:  Decide not to pursue Chester, CA, home. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Return. Beautiful Filipino man at Myra Way. Cute, friendly cashier at Monterey Street liquor store. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Persons attract to themselves exactly the right challenges that are needed, but may be hard to recover from. My conclusion: Truth/Consciousness is the infinite expression of One Individuation; needing only Itself; drawing near only to Itself.

June 21 dream:  My boss is mad at me. Wants me to be sitting on the floor tomorrow a.m. when work starts.

June 20, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Overcast day like hier. Turn around on top and head to Safeway. Then home. Very excited about $189,000 home in Chester, CA. Spent all afternoon and evening fantasizing about moving there. Lots of trouble getting to sleep. Next a.m. I Translate “home” which leads to “safety” which leads to “psychotic” or lack of empathy. My conclusion: Truth is all-knowing AND all-feeling. Guy on YouTube saying there is a connection between the words “twin” and “testicle.”

June 19, 2020:  9 a.m. anonymous call. Called Lake Almanor realtor to see Rim Drive house. In ’til 3ish. Start to walk towards Mt.D. Then turn around. Go to Korean take-out place. Feel really nervous about going to see house. Then realtor calls saying they already have two offers. Feel really sad about it. Though when I asked why such a beautiful house was only $249,000, he said that you need a snowmobile to get to it during most winter months. Firecrackers again in p.m. Guys from Apt. 310 leaning against railing, enjoying it.

June 19 dream:  Leaving Aunt Joanne after straightening out some clothes. Drive back with Joanne in the car.

June 18, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Lots of scam calls. Walk to Mt.D. Cute cashier at CVS. Teresita home. Email realtors in Guerneville and Lake Almanor. Break glass in p.m.

June 18 dream:  Heard evil kid laugh. I flinch.

June 18 dream:  German archetypes effect on English archetype. (h.o.)

June 18 dream:  I have $2,000 inheritance. Having trouble getting my paperwork accepted. Guy comes in and interrupts me.

June 17, 2020:  #29 to VA for ultrasound on my balls. Two guys who say they’ve been together 43 years precede me. Diagnosis: hydrocele, fluid on the balls. Have to wait ’til next week for treatments, if any. (BTW, big balls sometimes found on newborn babies.) Two black VA workers talking about Tulsa. Also, Cornel West’s response to George Floyd funeral. Walk home via G.G. Park. Women says: “Jesus is coming in 2021.” Cute guy waiting in line at Little Sweet on 9th Avenue. Beautiful man at W.F.

June 17 dream:  I’m on the outs with my family. Guy (we know) comes to our door trying to sell us dinner rolls. Woman not interested. I already eat something much better and healthier.

June 17 dream:  About to do musical. Go back to Ben’s apt. to get copy of my part to make sure I know what to sing.

June 16, 2020:  Hear: “Your life will never be the same again.” In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Tightness of the heart at top. Then CVS. Then M.S. Get in express line. Then change to line with beautiful guy I wanted to get closer to. As soon as I finished waiting, he had switched with another guy. (*Relates to hawk and two crows from hier?) Walk down Teresita. Lots of goats at Stanford Heights Reservoir. Guy setting off fire crackers in our courtyard and for 2nd day in a row.

June 16 dream:  In a couples therapy workshop. One couple breaks up. Guy was insistent. Finally he walked out. I sat with cigar smoking woman. She said: “What do you think of people who smoke cigars?” I say: “When men do it, it’s pretentious. When women do it, it’s double pretentious.”

June 16 dream:  Go to J’s store in the Castro to return some videos. Then forgot to return them. So I go a 2nd time. J. hides from me. Walk home feeling bad. Meet guy named “Brush.” We walk together a while. It had been raining. He breaks into empty store front and decides to wait there. Two others have joined us and they wait there as well. I decide to continue home The two guys embrace me as I leave.

June 16 dream:  Wearing bright blue satin jacket trying to leave work.

June 15, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk and two crows over CCSF parking lot. Strange black guy following me a few blocks. Feel kind of “shitty” so turn around immediately as I reach top of Mt.D. Lots of scam calls throughout the day.

June 15 dream:  Many birds circling CCSF parking lot.

June 15 dream:  Big h.o. dream.

June 15 dream:  Take train into southern California anonymous town. Try to find my way back to station. Guy in his underpants. Me with my shirt off. Harriet is there, too.

June 14, 2020:  Email from Richard B. Felt like I was kicked in the balls. (*Relates to swollen testicle from June 9?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Expecting something dramatic relating to shits of hier, but nothing so far. Go to Mt.D. Then CVS. Then down Teresita to Safeway. Then home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Old perceptions can be difficult to overcome in order to make space for a more evolved view. My conclusion: Truth is fully evolved, never old, of infinite capacity, irresistible, cannot be undone, all-perceiving, inclusive of all points of view. OR: Truth is that all points of view are One.

June 14 dream:  A little Elizabeth is born. Elizabeth asks if I want to hold her. I do. (h.o.)

June 14 dream:  Lots of well-dressed mostly young women ignoring me. One older lady with glasses with jewels in place of lenses.

June 13, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up to Mt.D. Feel “shits” coming on. Run home. Barely make it. Take off again for Mt.D. Couple of gay men on top. One quite attractive. Think: “To not be is not possible.” Safeway. Myka there, but we don’t interact. Walk home.

June 13 dream:  Roz (from “Frazier”) and I talk about upcoming family reunion. She said the word in her family was to be nice to each other. I said it was the same in our family. It might be touch ’cause many are not Prosperos. I’m feeling really handsome talking to Roz. Then other woman I like walks by in a rather dowdy dress. I say: “Is that your fancy dress?”

June 13 dream:  Am prisoner of nice person who I follow. We run into police captains of several local cities all gathered together. There is some question about the result of an election. The police feel it should be accepted as is.

June 13 dream:  Have to pick between two really cute guys to sit next to in class. Finally pick the right one.

June 12, 2020:  #29 to VA. Very hot dermatology doctor. He offered to help me put on my socks after examining me naked. Later woman doctor says: “If you’re planning on becoming sexually active again…” I think: “How did she know?” Is my swollen testicle a “ball dropping” moment? Take #29 home. Go to Beep’s. No Adoré. Theosophy video in p.m. about not trying to outshine others.

June 12 dream:  New class experiment. We all climb up on a book shelf and read obscure works. I flirt with cute guy and offer to share my book with him. Not sure how that results. Casts outside demanding us to clap. Big cat pushed little kitten around. Calvin there.

June 12 dream:  My boss asking for more tea makes me nervous. He says: “Just take the tea from this glass and put it in that one.”

June 12 dream:  Guy does magic trick with me for audience at resto. He eats hot potato and doesn’t get burned like I did. I feel really exhilarated afterwards. Maybe want to get a drink. He and I walk off together. One young woman in the resto audience said she felt really moved. S.F. guy earlier talking about kissing woman. He said: “I don’t mind it. There’s just not as much there [as with a man].”

June 11, 2020:  Call VA about swollen testicle. They don’t seem too concerned. Will go to VA tomorrow. Heather W. called later wanting me to give Translation workshop in August, which I later agreed to do. Take nap for two hours. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. CVS. Follow cute guy into M.S. Walk home.

June 11 nap dream:  I complain about the food at resto, especially the spare ribs. Manager asks: “Is it related to food?” I say: “Barely.”

June 11 dream:  Walk thru usual place I go in dreams, but this time the other way. Remember John H. and his dream boyfriend.

June 11 dream:  Three generals, one late. Big event coming.

June 10, 2020:  Landline call at 8 a.m. No answer. I thought I had turned my phones off. Next time I’ll be more careful. Two other scam calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. CVS. Walk home. Find out I’m pre-approved for a $200,000 VA home loan. Now I just need to find a $200,000 home. Discover swollen right testicle in p.m. Hard nite.

June 9, 2020:  Single ring call in a.m. Suggest platform change to SF Berniecrats: “Self-purification must precede political activism.” Missed call around 2:45 p.m. (*Relates to shits about 2:45 hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then stop at M.S. Then down Teresita home. Still feeling lots of pelvic pain. See “Late July” on box outside W.F. as I arrive home.

June 9 dream:  Joined a band which was an alternative to the most popular rock ‘n roll band. Stars of the band were finally told they have to stop smoking while playing. Woman hugs me and points out the great ones in the band including her and me.

June 9 dream:  Am staying with Thane for a few days. Also staying there is a nasty woman in a wheelchair. Thane sensed her presence before she rang the bell and motioned to me that someone was at the door. I try to help her in the doorway, but she doesn’t want my help, though she needs it.

June 9 dream:  I’m talking with fellow students. Thane jokes with us. I go to get something to eat. It’s around noon, so there’s a line. I’m anxious to get back to the group.

June 9 dream:  The Name. Hearst.

June 8, 2020:  Am crying over “Prayertest” YouTube. Get anonymous call. Later another call. No one answers back. I say: “Chicken.” Shits about 2:45 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Talk to nice skateboarder at Unity Plaza. Then walk to C.B. Owner there. Walk thru G.C.P. Beautiful day. Walk to Portola shopping center. The up to Mt.D. and home. Realize pelvic pain may relate to my guilt over my response to my mother’s death. Like I should be punished for it. In p.m. think of slogan to my body: “Whose body? My body!” Hear “Expect the Unexpected” twice in p.m. See “Catch on.”

June 8 dream:  Staying at work late into the night with many others. I think I’m next n line to get my online info approved and submitted. I am working on a map of San Francisco with other information also plugged in. I wonder if it’s healthy that most of the streets are perpendicular to each other and not many curved roads.

June 7, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk outside. People waving signs for “Black Lives Matter.” Cars honking. Walk to Mt.D. Beautiful dark-haired smiling, cyclist with his friend on top. CVS. Down Teresita. Woman taking off her sweater. I look over. Then she and her friend fallow me. Follow guy to Hearst Street. Then down to Flood. See scary black man at pile of recycling. As I approach, he becomes beautiful white-faced, long-haired Jesus. I tie my shoes across the street. He doesn’t look at me. But I feel his presence. And love him. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Power (of authorities or of victims) can be misused. My conclusion: Truth has the right to give orders, make decisions and enforce obedience because Truth is the law, the correct behavior or procedure and all events are harmless, life-sustaining and just because Truth cannot be wrongly used.

June 7 dream:  Watch YouTube video explaining why I am not religious. (h.o.)

June 7 dream:  Working with Kate Cuff on finding licenses for people. One of the documents changed to another document when I looked back. Then it happened right as I was looking at it. Jimmy Carter walked by and told us to be careful. I joked about working with “THE DEVIL!!!”

June 7 dream:  Put dead turtle in box and threw it away. All the live turtles follow into the bin. I feel guilty they will all be crushed.

June 6, 2020:  Rough night last nite related to anonymous call about 9:30 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Follow cute blond runner. As I pass his home with bright green astroturf, I pull off my mask and say: “Nice lawn.” He smiles. On to Mt.D. Hear owl on way up. There’s a line now for CVS so I skip it. Walk down Teresita to Monterey liquor store and Safeway. See Myka, but he either doesn’t see me or he snubs me.

June 6 dream:  Driving bus, speeding down freeway. Someone said there was a fire on the 2nd level where some children were. I tried to find a place to pull over. Finally stopped at big excavated area. Some guy was being arrested.

June 6 dream:  Running off original and copy of document. Ran out of paper.

June 6 dream:  Cleaning out trash in vacant lot in S.F. J. is nearby. Throw trash away. Get stuck in window sill. Decide to rest there a while. J. still around.

June 6 dream:  Return to horrible factory job at least for a few days. Have to wait in line to put my gear away.

June 6 dream:  I am woman standing outside burnt tower where my little son died(?)

June 5, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. On Lansdale Avenue, as I’m thinking of fucking J., I look to my left to see woman smiling at me. Strange, almost scary man on Mt. D. He kept saying: “I’m sorry. I’m so embarrassed.” Etc. Walk to CVS. Open but still boarded up. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Run into same guy working on his engine on Frida Kahlo Way as hier. Talked with him. Was not at all attracted to him. In p.m. Stefan Fox speaks of the divine child. (*Relates to last dream of June 4, I think.)

June 5 dream:  Second Economic Justice Act passes?

June 5 dream:  There was no cheating with government agency I was involved with. Guy just wanted me to take a piece of food for him. I said: “Get it yourself.”

June 4, 2020:  Wake up at 7:30ish due to call at about 11:30 a.m. which I was not fast enough to answer. I texted in response: “Don’t be a tease.” Took nap later. In ’til 3ish. Walked to Mt.D. Felt “shitty” on top so took short-cut back. Cute cashier at Monterey liquor store. Later guy on Frida Kahlo leaning over his car engine. As I pass he looks up and raises his lower right leg in invitation. I continue home.

June 4 nap dream:  Dog bites onto my crotch in busy shopping center. Owner says: “I’ll be right back.” I finally get rid of dog and look around remodeled shopping center. Stop by orate wooden church.

June 4 dream:  Little child excited to see me.

June 3, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. CVS boarded up. Pass by Creightons and M.S. Go to Beep’s. Adoré there. Good to see him again. He was telling me about all the demonstrations he’s encountered here, in Stockton, and on the freeways between. Other cute guy I noticed as I left. His girlfriend gave me a dirty look. Berniecrats meeting in p.m.

June 3 dream:  I’m about to become an actor. Visit Laurence Olivier in between his appointments. He says he never was that impressed with Lillian Gish.

June 3 dream:  Ride old-fashioned train onto high narrow rail out to sea to board ship as a sailer. Perry Dick there.

June 3 dream:  Having trouble putting money into my bank account.

June 2, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Near top, young h.s. graduate being lei-ed by his family. Walk to Mt.D. Then M.S. worker outside. Very handsome. I cruise him. He washes his hands. I stick around ’til he’s finished. Then walk backwards ’til I’m out of sight. Walk down Teresita to Monterey liquor store. Beautiful guy in line behind me. He has mask on, but we still commune. (*Relates to tripping on Mt.D hier?) 16 or 17 spam calls about various accounts allegedly being suspended. Feeling bad about not going to Creightons anymore. Like I have an obligation to Creightons lady to make her happy. Like I had an obligation to make my mother happy.

June 2 dream:  Tell cute girl eating potatoes that it looks like she’s got a lot to handle. On 2nd glance, it was only one potato. She asked if I wanted any. I said, “No, thanks. I’ve already had enough.”

June 2 dream:  Get lunch for young female worker. My other co-worker says: “You know what to get. Get what you always get: salads, etc.” I have to climb to highest shelf in outdoors. Trump is down below trying to rattle us.

June 2 dream:  I’m living in a cheap hotel with the down ‘n outs and tourists. Guy comes from outside to my window. We talk briefly and he goes back down to car with his friends. I walk back into my room through a lobby of losers and tourists. My door has a full-length window with no shades. Other guy from car sees where I live. Tourists speak to each other as I enter from lobby. The tourists make me feel safer.

June 1, 2020:  Bills, monthly BB in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Thinking that my book will be a success and make me some money. Guy smiles at me. Go to Mt.D. Trip on way down. Then M.S. Then down Teresita. Guy on bike near S.P. relates to hawk from hier, I think. He’s very hot and he sees me recognize his hotness and smiles, allowing himself to be naked with me for a few seconds. Walk home. RHS to my father: “God gave me this life. You didn’t!”

June 1 dream:  Me running for Congress before my father remarried. (h.o.)

June 1 dream:  Guy gets out of murder charge. Some still not convinced. I am still not convinced. (*Relates to me as the murderer of my mother?)

June 1 dream:  In packed theater. Jimmy Stewart there. Other celebrities. Light show on the ceiling forcing people in the front rows to turn around.

May 31, 2020:  Carol Carter memorial in a.m. About 26 attended online. In ’til 3ish. Walked to Mt.D. Then Portola shopping center. Passed on to Teresita and Safeway. Myka there. Old “Just Married” car on Teresita. Hawk at S.F. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Anger and frustration from a history of lost lives and livelihoods cause riotous explosion of energy. My conclusion: Truth is the only cause and only effect of all action, always triumphant, the all knowing, all-finding present which includes the so-called past and the so-called future, infinite of mind and body, automatically inclusive of universal unearned and unearnable income/livelihood.

May 31 dream:  Walking down a busy street , thinking of J. Run into Kathy W. handing out something. She said she’s been trying to get in touch with me. Some big event coming up.

May 30, 2020:  Jerk off (twice!) in a.m.  In ’til about 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Three cars full of 2020 grads honk and wave at me on Frida Kahlo Way. I felt like I was one of them. Walk up to Mt.D. Guys in tent on top, having fun. Walk down to W.P. Stop at Starbucks. Walk home. People in apt. next to me are moving out. Great YT video by Cornel West. I was in tears. (*Relates to last dream of May 24?)

May 30 dream:  Using syllogism to convince person we know that she’s a good person.

May 30 dream:  Architect designs building for FBI in Manhattan. I say: “It’s great. No one will notice it. I will,of course,”

May 30 dream:  My wallet is returned with no money.

May 30 dream:  A bunch of successful, well-known actors on a panel. (*May relate to Carol Carter memorial of May 31?)

May 29, 2020:  In ’til noonish. Go to copy place and send off loan apps. Feel really good about it. Also pick up new shoes from VA at mail center. Then walk to W.P. Hot tea at Peets. Burn my wrist trying to take top off. Walk to Mt.D and down. Shits on getting home. Report scam call from “Apple Support” to FTC. August 19, 2002 (9 a.m.) will be the 18th birthday of my legal name change to Zonta. I’m almost legal!

May 29 dream:  Run out of large (8-1/2 x 11)  envelopes. I’m sending out something to about 25-30 people.

May 29 dream:  Working at one of Trump’s(?) two restos in S.F.

May 28, 2020:  Steve Hines calls around noon. His relationship with his father reminds me of my relationship with my father. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. On to CVS. Get scam call saying my Visa card has been suspended. (Later I report the call to Visa.) Little girl at Creightons. Walk Teresita to Safeway. Then home. Worked on loan application in p.m. Get very excited about it. Have trouble falling asleep.

May 28 dream:  Try to order lunch at popular Italian resto. Can’t find order sheet.

May 28 dream:  Guy gets kicked off team. Boss says he can be reinstated in 6 days if he becomes a Lakers fan.

May 28 dream:  Riding in car with Michael Moore, Bob Labansat and others. Something Michael said about the nature of reality moved me to tears. Then I noticed guy driving had his eyes, nose and mouth in the back of his head. He was looking right at me though we seemed to be riding forward. Later saw a bunch of people sitting on an I-beam. Knew they were people we would be running into in the future.

May 27, 2020:  Fire alarm in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Go to CVS. Creightons. Had hot apple cider. Catch myself pouting ’cause it’s still not something I can drink without side effects. Go to M.S. Checkout girl very smiley with her eyes. (She was wearing a mask.) Then boyo M.S. worker standing outside looking at me all hot and seductive. Walk down Teresita. Very cute little Asian girl outside her house, cutting flowers, smiles at me. Later another cute little girl climbing on statue in S.P. smiles at me. Walk home. Aion YT in p.m. idea: What is the story of my pain?

May 27 dream:  Cleaning out the coffee pot. (h.o.)

May 27 dream:  Dad and mom arrive home. I turn on lights just as they arrive. Dad kisses Tom and me. Says he wants to talk about our teeth. (h.o.) Hear cat purring.

May 27 dream:  Standing up to bully at work. He goes on to bully somebody else. The building feels like it’s about to fall down.

May 26, 2020:  Two single-ring calls at about 1 p.m. (*Relates to hawk on Casitas hier?) Get email from Brandon about letter to Sanders campaign. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Took new route down. CVS. Lady at Creightons excited to see me. (*Relates to 2nd hawk from hier?) Walk down Teresita to home.

May 26 dream:  Going thru clothes, I tell Mary L. that the jacket is reversible. She says, “So am I.”

May 26 dream:  Buy a convertible for $400 down. Offer to my father to pay rent on a partial, monthly basis ’til I move out.

May 25, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk on Casitas. Two shirtless guys on Mt.D. Tall dark-haired gay guy on Mt.D. Distant hawk at Creightons. Walk down Teresita to liquor store on Monterey. Guy without mask pulls his shirt up to cover his face, exposing his stomach. Walk home.

May 25 dream:  About to sign timesheet and get paid.

May 24, 2020:  Wake up thinking about my NorCal friend from Pillsbury, Madison & Sutro in the ’80s. Insight: Hoping others will do the right thing really means I’m hoping that I’ll do the right thing. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then Creightons. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Walk home. Cute woman W.F. worker on my way in. At first, I thought she was a guy. On closer inspection, she was a girl. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Power and influence can be obtained through dishonesty and deception. My conclusion: Truth is the only cause, the only effect; infinite, truthful, honest, honorable possession already in hand, always at hand; nobody’s fool.

May 24 dream:  Instructing my replacement how to do my old job. (h.o.)

May 24 dream:  Me and other guy on a Navy oil ship, loaded with fuel. The waters were choppy and we were underway, low in the water. Guy says: “I’m pretty sure we won’t flip over.” Heard a strange noise.

May 24 dream:  November 21, 1934?

May 24 dream:  Sitting with group of millennials.

May 24 dream:  Philadelphia.

May 24 dream:  Walk up Market Street after being away for a while. Try to avoid seedy parts. Run into several people I used to know. Guy jokes, “All former monks.” I say: “Or will be again.” Then run into Bob Labansat and we hug and I start crying.

May 23, 2020:  Three more calls from same crank caller as hier, only this time on my landline. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Couple with child take path I usually take so I go another way to the top. When I see them on top, the child is no longer with them. Go to M.S. My white worker friend there flirting with girl, along with other guy. Go to Creightons. Get hot chocolate (*Relates to 2nd dream of May 16, I think.) Walk down Teresita to S.P. Caution tape still up. (*Relates to cute, young Filipino guy on Foerster?) Start work on VA pre-approval loan. Find “Hope I didn’t hurt you” rock. It was under a chair.

May 23 dream:  “The house looks really good,” I tell Harriet. And it does. (h.o.)

May 23 dream:  Walking with Bob M., I ask him if The Prosperos should move from S.F. to L.A.?

May 23 dream:  “Did the purpose of gays begin with Shiloh Salaam in the 15th century?” guy asks, walking back after big parade. I had to return ten plastic bins which were called “jail cells.” Only had four with me at the time. Realized it would probably be a madhouse there at the return place.

May 23 dream:  Getting on bus, realizing I have a lot of grief, maybe overwhelming grief, to let go of. Very short woman gets on bus, pushing ahead of me.

May 22, 2020:  Wake up around 7:30 a.m., remembering the time I ran into Cree at a Gay Pride parade in S.F. Posted bio on the BB about guy who raped and murdered hundreds of men about 100 years ago. Took nap from noon to 2ish, interrupted three times by crank caller. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Guy tries to cut in front of me at CVS. I call him on it. He backs down. Creightons. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Get in another fight about guy trying to cut in line at deli. He says that I just got there. I say: “That’s bullshit.” Later deli guy calls on me before him and he walks off. Caution tape at S.P. (*Relates to guy sitting in sun a few steps later.) Break glass in p.m.

May 22 dream:  In Jewish country, decide not to hide who we are. (h.o.)

May 22 dream:  Bullet shaped cars crashing into each other just outside my window. I’m enjoying it but don’t want to e seen enjoying it.

May 22 dream:  Two elephants bearing down on us on trail. I wake up briefly to avoid them.

May 22 dream:  Getting ready to do the backstroke in swimming pool. The water is beautiful and just the right temperature.

May 21, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. Mario there, but I go to other checkout. Then Creightons. Walk down Teresita. Cute, young, effeminate guy talking loudly on cellphone. I let him pass. Then decide to follow him. I lose him but happen across him again on Bella Vista off the phone, walking towards me and somewhat chastened. Walk home.

May 21 dream:  It’s 11:30 a.m. and the resto I just worked at needs a waiter. I think: “I’ll work for an hour.” Guy throwing up dead fish in corner.

May 20, 2020:  Get up about 7:30 a.m., early for me. (*Relates to single-ring call at about 9 a.m., I think.) Post BB blog: “Dizzy, Jesus and Group Dynamics.” Take a nap from 12:30 to 2:45 or so. Email Brandon and others, asking for copy of the Bernie letter sent to Bernie campaign. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Mt.D. Black car on Casitas Avenue appears and then apparently disappears when I look again. Mt.D. Annoying guy at CVS. Same annoying guy at Creightons, but he had them reopen for me. Walk Teresita home. In p.m. feel bad about emailing management about Apt. 429 and writing blog about Hanz.

May 20 nap dream:  Tom O. and I in car. He’s driving. He asks me to roll my window down. I forget. Then he jokes about it, smiling at me. I think: I could kiss those lips.

May 20 dream:  At camp for a few more days, living out of my suitcase. Net up was swimming. Strange guy wanders in and settles down next to me. I look thru the clothes I have and realize they’re all too small. Will have to wash my clothes at least once more before leaving camp.

May 20 dream:  Scary dreams just have to be replaced by video of the London underground?

May 19, 2020:  Get email from Brandon that our open letter to Bernie was approved by SF Berniecrats board. Also email from Pam R. re death of Carol Carter. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Mario at CVS. I go to other cashier. Creightons. Walk Teresita home.

May 18, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then Mario at CVS. Find out he goes to CCSF and still lives with his parents in Glen Park. Then on to Creightons. Lady there is apologetic for overcooked, brittle chocolate chip cookie. She gives me oatmeal cookie for free in front of her boss, I think. (*Relates to hawk at S.P. hier?) Stop by Safeway briefly. See Myka out of corner of my eye. Take photo of guy walking his dogs, from behind. Upstairs neighbors start “construction work” at 2:04 a.m. I try out my new sleeping cot in the bathroom and email management.

May 18 dream:  People, mostly women, swimming in a pool.

May 18 dream:  Filling out application for job which I have 15 minutes to get to.

May 17, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. No Sunday paper at CVS. Go to Creightons. Walk down Teresita to S.P. Big close hawk at S.P. Later crow attacks it. Go to Safeway for Sunday paper. Talk with Myka briefly. Walk home. Run into stunningly beautiful, long-haired young homeless guy on steps down to Unity Plaza. He has his suitcase open and he’s sitting with his pants down to his knees, though he has boxers on. He smiles up at me with a beautiful, innocent, seductive, kind smile. I say: “Looks like you are all settled in.” He smiles. I say: “Do you need anything?” He says: “Do you have any spare money?” I give him $20. (*Relates to last dream of May 16?) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Transitions are accelerating and intelligent adaptation cannot keep up. My conclusion: True intelligence is the ability to see the obvious Truth everywhere, every place: quick, alive, animated, sprightly, saucy, lively, lovely, fit, fitting, appropriate, always in tune with its nature, always in tune with its nurture.

May 17 dream:  Visit get-together with Grandma Smith and others.

May 17 dream:  Order 40 desserts at $40 a piece. Tell the baker to please stop at 40.

May 17 dream:  Thane visits center. We pass a new online rule. I take a break from exercising. Then rejoin the “the Chippendale,” one partner on the floor pushing up with his legs to the other partner.

May 16, 2020:  Some guy calls up and says they’re going to turn off my PG&E in an hour unless I go to a local 7-11 and pay them some $400. Pick up sleeping cot and figure out how to set it up. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. Then Creightons. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. No more lines to get in. Woman at Safeway assumes I should be attracted to her. Makes me mad. Run into Jun on Monterey afterwards. (*Relates to “Expect the Unexpected” from earlier today?) Walk home.

May 16 dream:  Someone wants me to endorse something and I’m involved in doing that.

May 16 dream:  My boyfriend want to go out with me in public except not to dances put on by group which wants to hurt him. Surprised he admits he’s my boyfriend. I’m drinking too sweet chocolate drink.

May 16 dream:  Took wrong train. Girl gets off and lays down at fireplace, having invited me join her. I think I should and attempt to do so.

May 15, 2020:  Talk to VA Home Loans. They say I have the highest credit rate possible. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Dark-haired guy and his nice dog on top. CVS. Very cute worker at M.S. I wolf-whistle at him. Older Asian guy worker there greets me like I’m an old friend. Creightons. Teresita to S.P. Nice guy with his friendly little boy. Walk home. Mean/ugly young Asian guy sitting in car outside my doorway. I think it’s Yuto.

May 15 dream:  Go looking for my jacket and wallet which I left behind while looking for place to pee on large indoor pier.

May 15 dream:  I am in hotel room with my father. Black female nurse from the East Bay stops by to tell me about her working conditions.

May 14, 2020:  Turn in BMR application in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. See “Encinitas” on car. Wonder if that’s a sign I should move to Ensenada like I looked into way back in the ’60s. Realized I was just trying to run away then. Same probably with my looking into moving to Santa Cruz or Guerneville. (*Relates to owl from hier?) Beautiful young guy and his dog on Mt.D. I say: “Nice dog.” He says: “Thanks” and smiles. (*Relates to hawk at Sunnyside Playground hier, I think.) CVS. Creightons. Walk down Teresita to S.P. Cute guy checking out his cellphone as I look on in admiration. (*Relates to rooster on Flood from hier, I think.) Hear owl on Gennessee Street on way home. Fire alarm in p.m.

May 14 dream:  Using my 75th birthday website as a way to catch criminal.

May 14 dream:  Taking a shit naked. Others before and after me. As I leave all kinds of shit comes back up. I say: “I didn’t shit all that much.” I try to flush it again and it only partially works.

May 14 dream:  Getting ready to give a talk. I just woke up. Ana and John I. In the room. Glad Cenk is not there to see me wake up so late.

May 13, 2020:  Work on BRM application. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Mt.D. “Heart attack” on reaching peak. Hear owl. Then Starbucks. Down Teresita. Hawk at Sunnyside Playground. Hear rooster on Flood Avenue.

May 13 dream:  A boil on my leg.

May 13 dream:  Trying to help someone download something.

May 13 dream:  Trying to get back to the city via public transportation. Big tree with mud surrounding it. Trolleys not labeled well.

May 12, 2020:  Call Bay Federal Credit Union. They email me application which leads me back to asking for an application. Getting bad vibes about this move. Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. Then Creightons. Then Teresita home. Brandon sends out “Bernie letter” to the three of us who were interested in working on it. I put it on Google docs. Send email b-card to Laurie.

May 12 dream:  Running thru the house, Tom’s dog attempts to stop me. I tell him to back off. Security guy brags about boffing girl from neighboring Switzerland. (h.o.)

May 12 dream:  Filming movie in background. Obama there. Also cockroaches I hear. I’m trying to put on my pants.

May 12 dream:  Guy at art gallery puts up new piece. Asks me if he can put up one of my pieces across from it. I say: “Yes, I think it would look nice there.” Mine is in black and white. The other pieces is like a shiny black onyx slab.

May 11, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Drop off shoes for repair. Walk to Mt.D. Translate “home” in my head. Mario at CVS. Then M.S. Then Creightons. Walk down Teresita. Run into Sky and her boyfriend. Rush to pick up my shoes. They look great. Email Jessica about some mobile homes in Santa Cruz.

May 10, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth. Feel a shit coming on. Rush home. Take shit. (*Relates to J. reading about himself from my diary of May 9, I think.) Walk up Frida Kahlo to Mt.D. CVS. Creightons. Down Teresita. Jun’s salon closed ’til May 30. Go to Safeway. Myka there. Translation group in p.m. Sarah Flynn joined us. Sense testimony: Current systems are unable to support safe survival needs. My conclusion: The structure/system of Truth is now and forever in place, always appropriate, self-sustaining, weightless, uncastrated, entire, safe, whole, untouched, unbroken, untamed, unspoiled, inviolate, intact, unflawed, unscathed, unharmed, unimpaired, undamaged, and all that is needed.

May 9, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Question when my relationship with J. will end. Remember Rosa Parks dream which says that the relationship will end after the final two games (in Miami and Washington D.C.). Since these two games, I think, represent political corruption (the fall of Bernie) and biological corruption (the Covid-19 crisis), the relationship with J. will end when these two crises end. And then I can finish my book. (And start my new life.) Walk down Teresita. Bee flies into my right eyelid. Pass Jun’s salon. His windows are covered over with plastic from the inside. Somebody is walking in. I walk on. Get surprise package notice in my email. I rush over to package bins and, Voila!, it’s my lease renewal application for next year. View wonderful video on dealing with a narcissist. I posted on the BB. Tough night getting to sleep as upstairs neighbor is running around.

May 9 dream:  I am given some kind of diagnosis where my food doesn’t work. Doc asks me about fasting. I say that I don’t fast.

May 8, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Find out the name of my upstairs neighbor on package in mail room. Walk to Mt.D. Realize my compulsion to look for a new place is not a function of my Truth being. It’s an addiction. So I knock it off. Go to CVS. Creightons. Follow guy with cute butt to O’Shaughnessy and Portola. See smiling bicyclist at stop light. I mentally caressed him in his skin-tight cycling outfit. Half block later I realized he was the reason I was guided that way. Go back to Teresita. Found free hangers and clipboard on sidewalk. Jun may have been at his salon but I didn’t go in.

May 8 dream:  Hanging out with Billye T. and her teacher and some students, all women.

May 8 dream:  Swarm of cockroaches, which we always suspected was there.

May 7, 2020:  Happy Birthday/Unbirthday to me! Post “It’s my birthday. No it’s not!” on the BB. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. No Mario at CVS. Creightons. Walk down Teresita to Sunnyside Playground to Beep’s. Adoré not there.

May 7 nap dream:   Hard-on dream.

May 7 dream:  Calvin in one bathroom stall and David Weinman in another. Calvin’s arm is in my stall. I put it back. I say: “You’re always taking up more room than belongs to you.” Tell David he looks very cute. Woman who plays my grandmother in line outside. We laugh. (h.o.)

May 6, 2020:  Sarah calls in a.m. I post “I am Waiting” on BB on her recommendation. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. Then Creightons. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Myka there. When I get home, anonymous message from 4:18 p.m. They pretty much supported my open letter to Bernie Sanders. They will post on Google docs and open to comments with a final decision by the board officers. Also, Nina Turner made guest appearance.

May 6 dream:  “Don’t make it fattening,” one of our family warning to guy having difficulty opening a bottle.

May 5, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Mario at CVS. Creightons. Walk down Teresita. Spent a lot of time in p.m. looking for fantasy places to move to. NY reinstates presidential primary. Erotic thought: Jesus on the cross facing in with his ass partially exposed.

May 5 dream:  Hook up trailer to my Mercedes Benz and drive up very steep (almost vertical) hill. (*Relates to reading my open letter to Bernie at SF Berniecrats meeting on May 6, I think.)

May 4, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. Then Creightons. Seductive Asian guy standing in line in front of M.S. Walk down Teresita. Walk thru Sunnyside Playground. Then down Foerster to Jun’s salon. The door is open. He’s doing a woman’s hair. He asks if I need more masks. I buy 10 more masks for $10 (*Relates to distant hawk over Mt.D. hier?) Walk home. Hear on TV movie: “Today’s the big day when everything changes.”

May 4 dream:  Rewriting equations to make them more readable and understandable.

May 4 dream:  Touchable guy in white T-shirt tells me about pill Thane gave him.

May 4 dream:  Guy shares taco with apple and cheese with me.

May 3, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then on to CVS and Creightons. Then down Teresita. Interesting guys coming out of house I found interesting a few days earlier. Hawk circling Mt. D. Cute little boy on tricycle saying, “Whoo-Hoo!” Hot guy just as I arrive home. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) Does the $1,200 I got from IRS have deeper significance? Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Recovery to normality is urgent for sake of physical, mental, and economic health. My conclusion: The norm of Truth is infinite, limitless ability; the nature of Truth is birthless, deathless Cosmic intention; Truth leaps for joy in self-evident expectation of prosperity.

May 3 dream:  I say of my workmate, “She’s crazy.” And I think she really is.

May 3 dream:  Going back to visit people I used to know in S.F.

May 2, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then to Creightons. Then to M.S. My white M.S. worker there. Go back to CVS. Then down Teresita. Hawk overhead at Sunnyside Playground. Then home. Found stone on sidewalk of CCSF campus three days ago. It had a caricature of an alien on one side and on the other side it said: “Hope I didn’t hurt you.” I picked it up and kept it. Now can’t remember where I put it. But I think it may have been a message from my father. Upstairs neighbor has party ’til 2 a.m.

May 2 dream:  Read short book I wrote many years ago. Not bad. At end is a pop-out yoga gadget.

May 1, 2020:  Do bills and monthly BB. IRS gives me $1,200! In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Beautiful dark-haired girl with her daughter on Mt.D. Guy on Chaves who I ran into later at Creightons. Beautiful guy at CVS. I kinda cruised him. My white M.S. worker friend in the M.S. parking lot. See CVS guy skateboarding by. Talk myself into following him. Turns out it’s Dan (the potter) from 18th & Castro. He recognized me before I recognized him. It was nice seeing him again. (*Relates to two hawks hier on Teresita, I think.) He catches #44. I continue down Teresita. Hawk circles very close at Sunnyside Playground. Go to Safeway. Walk home. Forgot bag I left behind so I walk back and get it.

May 1 dream:  Woman said something about two bills. Not sure what kind of bills she meant.

May 1 dream:  In a small town, the owner of a bar is often the mayor or other important official.

May 1 dream:  Two hawks soaring, one nearby.

May 1 dream:  Follow Laurie into the shower room. Marilyn Deurell puts some cooked ham in my palm and says: “Feel this.” Then says: “What’s your name again?” I say: “After all these years, you don’t know my name?”

April 30, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. CVS without Mario. Creightons. Walk home via Teresita. Two hawks circling on Teresita. Interesting guy at Foerster who walks down Joost. I turn around to follow him. Then he comes back and walks down Mangels (one block away) instead. Walk home. Email Xlibris to take down The Men in My Life self-published book from 2000. Email Rick Thomas in response to his request for Assembly 2020 feedback. I tell him that when The Prosperos moves away from monarchy (absolute rule by the Executive Council), I would be willing to attend assembly, virtually or otherwise.

April 30 dream:  Almost ready for the rush of the 5,000. (h.o.)

April 30 dream:  Listening to FYL group with John F. Go to 4th floor of 835 Turk Street. There’s a big Bernie group there listening to “Anne,” a song, and studying before their meeting.

April 30 dream:  Ride bus all the way to northern Marin to give a speech. Then forget my notes. Teacher said to stay anyway. I decided to leave. Find bus back for only $1. Had picked up some books which I would have to return somehow.

April 29, 2020:  Jackie Fisher personally calls me asking for contribution. I decline. In ’til 3ish. Was waiting for online Curable program at 3 p.m. which never came on. Walk up Plymouth. Blue bird from hier relates to guy on Plymouth who seemed to be waiting for my arrival. On to Mt.D. Then CVS. No Mario. Creightons. Then cute h.s. guy in tight red track pants. I follow him to h.s. track next door and take his photo from O’Shaughnessy. (*Relates to distant hawk from hier?) Walk home. Overcast day.

April 29 dream:  Can’t remember the name of the guy I worked with for years. Charles? We do our daily video and I can’t remember his name and he’s right there.

April 29 dream:  Playing tennis briefly in very small court. My step-parents offer to play with me but I decline for the moment.

April 29 dream:  Hawk hovering outside my window. Pigeon comes in. I try to scare it away but It doesn’t scare easily. It turns into young guy. I’m not entirely there physically. (Hear scary sound on waking up.)

April 29 dream:  Guy tells other guy: “Be with me and serve the distinguished one.”

April 29 dream:  Everybody in the break room. Girl gives me her half-eaten apply ’cause I deserve it.

April 28, 2020:  Calls in a.m. from an alleged Medicare-related org. Just before I left home they called again. I say “Hello” twice. There is no answer. I put phone down and go on to other things. I hear some noise. I go to phone. I hear rubbing noise. I say: “Are you jerking off?” They hang up immediately. (*Relates to hawk and crows from two days ago, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Blue bird flies toward me and lands next to me on Mangels. On to Mt.D and CVS. Mario there again. I try to get in line so I can get to his checkout station, but guy he’s helping keeps going back and forth for more stuff. So I go to checker next to him. He’s a big young guy. When he leans over, he has big American flag underwear on. As I leave, I say: “I like your underwear.” Go to Creightons. Nice looking guy walks by. I follow him down Ulloa Street to home. Distant hawk and crow over Ingleside. Insight: My father, like my upstairs neighbor (like J.?), thinks rules don’t apply to him. Later in evening, I smelled my father.

April 28 dream:  Bear who looked like man was on exhibit, except patrons were right next to the cage. He even got out of the cage. I pleaded with the director Marilyn to do something about it. She was an older woman who wouldn’t acquiesce. Someone writing a book about it: The Eyes of the Mystery are Upon You.

April 28 dream:  I wave my finished book in hand as I pass Barry Bram (my father?) and head into San Diego looking for the Mexican border.

April 27, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. See Isaiah from W.F. on walking out the door. Walk to Mt.D. Cute h.s. kid talking about after school sports on phone on Mt.D. He doesn’t look at me. Guy on bike on Chaves Avenue in wild shorts. We exchange glances. Mario at CVS. He’s wearing pink gloves. I say: “Pink gloves.” He says: “Yeah, we ran out of the blue ones.” I say: “Pink’s a nice color.” He smiles at me with his eyes. Two guys at M.S. My Asian checkout guy and my friend from April 22 there also. Amazon driver on Teresita who I whoop at. (*Relates to 2 or 3 or more times I saw hawk and crows hier, I think. No. See diary of April 28.) See Isaiah again as I return home. Full circle.

April 27 dream:  Supposed to discuss a white book by Nathaniel Hawthorne with Carol Carter. She just got back to her home (where I was at), getting back from black area near 3rd and Madison. She said I probably wouldn’t like the area, though I was interested.

April 27 dream:  See Mick Jagger at store. Tell him I bought one of his records. He says: “What are the chances of that?” I say it was the one where he was eating things. Wanted to buy fruit-bearing tree for J. He was at the store earlier, but no longer.

April 27 dream:  Guy in my papered-off closet on the phone. Using my phone, I think.

April 26, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. and on to CVS Portola. Had nice interaction with sweet chubby checker. On to Creightons. Then down Teresita. Hawk and crow appears two or three times. See Jun at his hair salon working though sign on door said “Closed Temporarily.” Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Hysteria may make it seem too dangerous to return to economic and personal normalcy. My conclusion: Truth is the unique androgynous norm, is rational consideration, is of one Mind, is hazard-free consciousness, is the only domain, is the surety of all happening, is the manager of the infinite household of consciousness in person. OR: Truth is the rational consideration of the unique androgynous norm in person.

April 26 dream:  Get ready to ask William Fennie for $30 raise in his monthly payment to The Prosperos.

April 26 dream:  Get long rambling letter from Chris Hinrichs. He writes on the inside of the envelope. No pages inside. He may be in Seattle.

April 26 dream:  Barack Obama talking about the first time Ted Cruz was nice to him. Cathy Koslover and I tearing apart an old CD.

April 26 dream:  Aunt Joanne working at gay porn theater. Three auditoriums. I walk thru black section in swim briefs. Black guy says: “I almost jumped you.” Stick my head in small pool. Looking for larger one. Joanne wants someone to return guy’s ring to him. Other guy shows off his abs to Joanne.

April 25, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. No more lights, etc., at top. Then down to Safeway. Guy walking in a with black shirt and lime green shorts who got in line behind me. (*Relates to little boy hier on Teresita with no pants on, I think.) Other cute guy in black there as well. Walk home with groceries.

April 25 dream:  My friend Harry (Jun) visiting the queen. And he’s late.

April 25 dream:  Making a comedy about two guys going across the country, trying to get the girl of his dreams. In the end one of them partially disappears. But I play game with the other one. We joke about the many law we’ve broken to get where we are.

April 25 dream:  Practicing a Shakespeare play in a cafe. Had to be quiet. Trying to figure out where it ends and begins, not to mention what it was about.

April 24, 2020:  Anonymous call at 7:45 a.m. I say: “You’re too early.” In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Guy setting up lights in front of cross for big event? Go to CVS. Then Creightons. See interesting guy in M.S. line with his girlfriend, I assume. On my way out of Creightons, check him out. He checks me out in return. (*Relates to hawk at Teresita and Foerster from hier, I think.) Walk down Teresita. Cute little boy walking around his house without his pants on. His father says: “Why aren’t you wearing any pants?” Boy says: “So can catch the bird.” Then baby hawk? Friendly guy on Foerster on his way into Safeway?

April 24 dream:  Historical Native American leader says he talks to Jesus every night ’cause he knows most of us are Christians and he (the Native American leader) wants us to take care of the land.

April 23, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Mail letters. Cute guy lining up at W.F. Walk to Mt.D. Then to CVS. Then M.S. Cute Asian cashier who I had connected with before. Creightons. Walk down Teresita. Hawk at Teresita and Foerster. Walk home. Call from DLCC got me very fired up. Cleaned bathtub.

April 23 dream:  Trying to start over but only have the first 2 or 3 videos. (h.o.)

April 23 dream:  I start kissing my colleague (continuation of previous dream). He sticks his tongue in first.

April 23 dream:  Mob family trying to deal with COVID-19.

April 22, 2020:  Anonymous call at 9:07 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Go to Mollie Stones. Cute guy who I had previously tried to engage finally responded (*Relates to young hawk from hier, I think.) Then Creightons. Walk down Teresita to home.

April 22 dream:  Gathering all my ID together, including already opened mail. Getting ready to leave the home with one other person, I believe.

April 22 dream:  My full legal name was Hussein Barack Obama. I was an undercover agent.

April 22 dream:  Watching a women’s roller derby event. Girl in tank top sits next to me. I don’t notice her ’til she gets up.

April 21, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Mario not at CVS. Find $1 on the floor. Creightons. Walk down Teresita. Young hawk at Monterey and Foerster. On to Beep’s. Adoré there along with very interesting/sweet girl. (*Relates to dream of March 16 of two cute guys talking to me at the same time, I think.)

April 21 dream:  People in charge want to know if I have made all the payments before the project can begin.

April 20, 2020:  RHS my father when he asked, “Do you think this is a big lie [referring to the family]?” Yes, of course it was a lie. But I was also living a lie. Ever since I was a child. My lie was that I really didn’t belong here and so I had to lie to fit in. So my father was out-picturing a lie just like I was living a lie. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Mario at CVS. Starbucks reopens. Torn between Starbucks and Creightons right next door. (*Relates to 1st dream of March 16 of two cute guys talking to me at the same time, I think. No. See diary of April 21.) Walk down Teresita to Beep’s. Adoré not there. Then he is. My neighbor lady knocks on my door again, checking on me.

April 20 dream:  Just as I got everything straightened out and I was comparing my two flashlights, there was a knock on my cabin door. I hid. Then opened it. It was my parents(?) and someone else. We were on a ship. I was captain, I think.

April 20 dream:  In Santa Cruz trying to find ride back to S.F. for meeting. Alan Dunstan there. He had given me a heavy key to hold. Also Valerie and Diane Robison from high school.

April 19, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. Tried to talk with cute cashier there. His female co-worker interrupted us. Then Creightons. Walk down Teresita. Jun’s salon door open. I go in. I say: “Are you open again?” He says: “Sit down and I will talk to you later.” He finishes his second haircut. He gives me ten masks for $10. Then his wife called. Walked home. Jun drove by in his car. OccupySF website hits over 40,000 clicks on Sunday. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Political and cultural insanity can impair our ability to move/breathe/interact freely. My conclusion: Truth is political and cultural sanity, sanitary in thought and manifestation, limitless ability, limitless freedom, limitless love, limitless friendship, all that is effecting all that does, all inspiration without expiration.

April 19, 2020:  Involved in group train. One volunteer was matched with a goat in his bed.

April 18, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Go to Crieighton’s. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Not too bad. Waved at Myka as I left. Walk home with groceries. Health drink I bought at Safeway explodes as I open it.

April 18:  Night sweats.

April 18 dream:  Walking with Melissa across the street. She goes off. Gang of guys I thought dangerous help someone move their car.

April 17, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Overcast day. Gay guy at CVS being very nice to me. Creightons. Walk home. Nothing spectacular on April 17 as dream of April 6 seemed to indicate.

April 17 dream:  At office about to give a prize to some people for their efforts. Can’t find the prizes. Am walking around on my knees for some reason. I’m young and good looking. My office mates are older. (h.o.)

April 17 dream:  Spending a lot of time with Kamala Harris.

April 17 dream:  The family goes on a tour of an Italian law school offered by some very big, fat Italian police. I say “Fuck you” to them. Then apologize. Then walk home

April 16, 2020:  Call from 415 area code. (*Relates to hawk in tree on Mt.D. from hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk by W.F. line. Originally attracted by one guy. But turns out he was a decoy for another guy further down in line who seemed to be waiting for me to notice him, which I did. (*Relates to hawk on Molimo from hier, I think.) Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. My masked Asian friend not there. Creightons. Then down Teresita. Go to same tennis courts as hier. Nobody there. Continue home. Work on MSM Chapter 27. See dreaded white screen in p.m.

April 16 dream:  Two guys I like. Both talking to me at the same time.

April 16 dream:  Just rode elevator up to high floor in office building. Big earthquake. Building seemed to turn 180 degrees or so. I tried to calm scared woman.

April 16 dream:  Trying to find a pair of matching shoes for a party. I had one gray shoe and one two-toned leather shoe. Went up to Calvin’s apartment to look. It had no furniture in it.

April 15, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk flies into tree? Joke with my masked Asian friend at CVS about calling the CDC and telling them to call off the crisis. Guy running with two women. He likes my Bernie T-shirt. Walk up Sequoia to tennis courts. Two shirtless guys stretching. I took photo of them from behind. (*Relates to swooping hawk from hier?) Continue downhill. Hawk near Molimo. See runner and two women again. Walk thru CCSF. Older guy apparently harassing young guy, his sister and mother. So I follow them to make sure they’re okay. Then son puts his arm around the older guy.

April 15 dream:  Being part of the . . . alternative in Italy in 2014?

April 15 dream:  Cute little girl comes into Tom’s and my life.

April 15 dream:  Melissa and I and somebody else go to this guy’s church. She drives. He talks about headaches at the end of the service. I get mad, thinking he’s just planting ideas in people’s heads. I wait for Melissa to get ride home. She’s not upset though she says she needs to get a milk refill.

April 14, 2020:  Get up at 7 a.m.-ish instead of my usual 9 a.m. or so. View post from Bob of Occupy about epidemiologist who thinks we have over-reacted to COVID-19. Made me feel vindicated. Took 1-1/2 hour nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk on top diving down with talons extended. Other woman saw it, too. Significant eye contact with my masked Asian friend at CVS. Latte at Creightons. Chronicle at M.S. Walk down Teresita. Someone playing conch shell horn. Go to Safeway. See Myka. Walk home. Tape BB Episode #3 sharing my insight about a possible breeched birth for the Democratic Party.

April 14 dream:  The word: Aiden.

April 14 dream:  Hear my alarm go off like one ring of a phone call.

April 14 dream:  Getting up in the darkness in the middle of the night, feeling my way to the sink. Was still sleeping. Someone asks if I am wearing her T-shirt, which I am. She goes to get another one for me to wear so she can have the one I’m wearing. At a kind of Prosperos camp.

April 14 dream:  Young man reading something to an audience. Later in print we discuss the forbidden topic of being paid.

April 14 dream:  Had to rent a motel room for the night. Refrigerator was extra. Also I rented a duck who was supposed to stay in a pen just under where another couple were sleeping. But it was a big duck, so it just stepped out of the pen.

April 13, 2020:  Bernie endorses Biden. I take 2 hour nap. In ’til 4ish. Guy in line at W.F. Just as I’m about to walk by him, somebody from W.F. takes him inside. Walk to Mt.D. and back. Stop at Beep’s. See and talk with Adoré. (*Relates to hawks from hier, I think.) As I pick up my food from Adoré, woman steps within the 6′ limit. But then so did Adoré and I. Worked on MSM Chapters 26 & 27. Also BB Episode #2.

April 13 dream:  Making final decisions about decorations. (h.o.)

April 13 dream:  10 people stop by to visit. They are in three different cars. In the first car a couple are trying to write a novel. I tell them they need some fresh air. But they have many sheets of paper already written.

April 13 dream:  Harvey Korman objects to all the political correctness of the new generation.

April 13 nap dream:  Visit friend I . . . . He’s not handsome on the outside but he is handsome on the inside. We watched an old ’50s TV show complete with commercials. It was great. He said: “I have to go. Malik is coming over.” I felt I could really fall in love with this guy.

April 12, 2020:  Happy Easter! In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then Creightons. Cute J-like guy comes in. I wait for him to come out. He drives away in a car with “AUEAGLE” license plate. Golden eagle? Two hawks on Teresita. One pretty close. See Jun and his wife entering their salon. Do my first BB video post called “Is Biden REALLY the presumptive nominee?” Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People’s lives can be impacted by hidden hostile forces that use our vulnerability for their own agenda. My conclusion: Truth, all life, a known and friendly force, has no enemies, foreign or domestic, can only impact Itself harmoniously as it fulfills Its agenda/pact of being Itself.

April 12 dream:  Something about an ape.

April 12 dream:  Guy and his dog that’s nasty. I don’t want his apartment. I stand near policeman with his dog.

April 12 dream:  Have to take shit. Go on empty bus with nothing but a toilet. Then don’t have to to go. Ratso Rizzo (Dustin Hoffman), older and worn out, comes by. We were old friends.

April 11, 2020:  Neighbor from across the hall rings my doorbell to see if I’m alright. Hadn’t engaged with her since I first moved in 7-1/2 years ago and we got in a fight and I gave her the finger. I touched my hand to my face when talking with her. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Guy on my way up telling his son: “Slower. Slower.” Then Creightons. Nice lady there. Walk down Teresita. Discover Los Palmos Community Garden. Walk home. Roof reconstruction crew on Foerster. Watched Wayne Dyer/Eckhart Tolle video in p.m.

April 11 dream:  Getting ready to leave place where I had worked with Al H.

April 11 dream:  At house in England. Neighborhood is on watch for criminal actors(?). I am sleeping in my brother’s bed. He’s not happy about it. I get up to help both my brothers. I go downstairs. Tenants are returning to their apts. Little girl offers me $1. Later realize she lives there. Address mentioned is 1138 Christ.

April 11 dream:  Woman at table with other women. She’s furious about my lies, especially the lie of last month.

April 10, 2020:  Get up early to work on letter to Biden from SF Berniecrats. Here it is: Dear Vice President Biden: We call on you to withdraw your name for nomination for President.  With all due respect, your appearance, if not the reality, of oncoming dementia is not an acceptable face for the Democratic Party to present in November. Your withdrawal will free up your delegates to vote for whom they choose and will allow all the other candidates to de-suspend their campaigns if they so wish. The state elections can and must continue in a safe manner through the summer, leading to a virtual or actual convention at a later date. We realize this is a tremendous ‘ask,’ but the Democratic Party needs a standard bearer who will inspire confidence that the reigns of the government will be in steady hands in this time of national crisis.  And you simply do not inspire that confidence. Respectfully, San Francisco Berniecrats. Then went back to bed ’til 10:30 a.m. or so. Stayed in ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Reach top step and guys says: “You made it.” Latte/cookie at Creightons. Walk down Teresita. Cute young bicyclist I hoot at. Then well-built guy in his front garden I turn around for. Get call from (628) 777-2357. (*Relates to hawk from hier on Teresita?) Go to Safeway. Get accused twice of stepping out of line. Cute, tall, young guys behind me in line. Walk home with grocery bags in hand since #43 has been discontinued. Mary L. (from Berniecrats) returns my call. (*Zoe dog from hier relates not to Zoe herself but to her “master,” Brandon, who dismissed my letter to Biden as not acceptable, I think.)

April 10 dream:  Guy running in desert to meet his new master. He tells his mother so she’ll get off cart, but she hangs on.

April 10 dream:  Typing up a contract. Have to use old Georgia-Pacific contract as the basis. Will work ’til 7 p.m. There will be a drill when one person stays behind in the office. Guy on the floor with one leg cut off.

April 9, 2020:  Spider bite last night on my left leg? Call Mary L. She didn’t call back. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. At peak dog named Zoe barks at me. (*Relates to Zoe from SF Berniecrats who is supposed to be working with me on a letter to the Biden campaign ?) Homeless woman in red tarp on a wheelchair on side path on Mt.D. I thought it was a pile of garbage ’til she turned around and smiled at me. Latte/croissant at Creightons Walk down Teresita. Hawk near John Pinkerton’s place. Walk home. No more #36 or #43 buses for the moment.

April 9 dream:  You have to be respectful to the people moving you out, but at the same time, they cannot be pedophiles. (h.o.)

April 9 dream:  YouTube of Covid cure. (h.o.)

April 9 dream:  Greasy coffee-making gadgets on the wall of my apartment, that don’t work or have never been used.

April 9 dream:  Went over to my young friend’s place. He was getting money to see someone else. Later I am with a baby bear in my purse, talking to somebody like Crocodile Dundee.

April 9 dream:  On “Celebrity Day” guys at table next to me joke: “I want to make a revolution with Michael.”

April 8, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Cute young guy walking his blue-eyed dog on Chaves Avenue. Latte/cookie at Creightons. Mollie worker greets me. Walk down Teresita. Jun still closed. Walk home. Stop by Beep’s. Adoré there. He’s happy to see me. Online Berniecrats meeting in p.m. Felt myself blush when Brandon was nice to me.

April 8 dream:  I was in house alone trying to get ready. Chose shirt with rusty hanger. When they got home, guy says: “Is that the way Bernie likes it?” I say: “No, just black. I don’t know what Biden likes.”

April 7, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Nice day. Walk to Mt.D. (Guy with 2 dogs on Plymouth cruises me.) Then on to Portola shopping center. Latte/cookie at Creightons. #36 to Monterey. Jun’s salon still closed. Walk home. Think I’ll stop by Beep’s as long as there is no line for orders. Really psyched myself up about seeing Adoré again. Two crazy black guys (well, one crazy black guy and another uncrazy black guy) in order line. Took this as sign I needed to pass for today. Insight: Reconnected political corruption (Biden winning) with biological corruption (COVID-19). Final simultaneous two games in my Rosa Parks dream are these two elements?(*Relates to finding $4 on the sidewalk hier?)

April 7 dream:  Big hard-on dream. Playing Bernie record.

April 7 dream:  Tom O. sitting behind me in class. Bothering me more and more.

April 7 dream:  Guy at work asks me to mock marry him. Gives me plastic ring. Also, Mark Pelkey calls me at work wondering where I am.

April 7 dream:  X’mas party at work.

April 6, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Sort of rainy day. Walk to 7-11 and back to Target. I didn’t intend on going in, but the greeter was so cute and sweet and friendly, I couldn’t resist. Bought some socks. Went to Java Hut for latte. Came back to Target ’cause I felt I needed more connection with the greeter there. Found $4 on the sidewalk on the way. Asked greeter if they had more masks. He said: “No. They’re giving most of the masks to the hospitals.” I say: “Right.” Try to walk to Mt.D. It’s too rainy. Nice young red-haired boy walking his red-haired dog on Faxon. Walk home. Debate going to Beep’s. Decide to. Adoré is there. Guy at window says: “I’m taking off.” Then he asks for my order. I say: “I thought you were taking off.” He and Adoré talk. Then he jokes to me: “Do you want me to beat him up?” I say: “Yes.”

April 6 dream:  Go to school at night. Meet shirtless gay man and later see him as I leave the school and wait for the bus. I think I’ve met two different people. Guy gives me something to eat with my sandwich.

April 6 dream:  The words “17TH OF APRIL”

April 6 dream:  Someone says:  “I know how to keep this thing moving.”

April 6 dream:  Called my stepmother. Knew she was going to kick me out, but I wanted her to say the words.

April 6 dream:  Trying to buy swim suits with Tom. He playfully hides all the good ones. Then I choose two to try on. Can’t find dressing room. Finally find beat-up restroom. Guy comes in and want to use toilet. He notices there is a ham in the toilet. Ants are beginning to swarm on my leg. I ask woman: “Do you wash hands?” She says: “Yeah. Do you think we are crazy?” I say: “Yes.”

April 5, 2020:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Portola shopping center. Rain threatening. Woman at CVS checkout stand made me wait ’til she felt like she’d been there long enough. Nobody was going to push her around, Corona or no Corona. #43 home. Everybody trying to sit 6 feet apart. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Intentional terror may use viruses or fear as weapons for mass disruption. My conclusion: Truth, the Finished Kingdom, incorruptible, irreverent, unbreakably whole, having dominion over all, uses Itself in all ways, at all times with whatever tool is at hand. Richard Branam: “Constructs of the Abstract.” Watch How to Murder Your Wife on YouTube. Think of cute young guy I met a few weeks ago on Muni subway with my Bernie standee.

April 5 dream:  Going thru German backyard instead the one we paid for. Lying to get in and out. The new side had a cute young guy in white T-shirt at the end.

April 5 dream:  Was in bed trying to wake up. I had to struggle to wake up.

April 5 dream:  Go to yoga class. Thane opens the door for me. Clair Gold there. Thane there twice, I think. Everyone is in white except me. Later at another school, they are not in on Friday. So, the account is closed. But I’ve decided to work there. Woman from school sees me. I am on the verge of tears.

April 4, 2020:  In ’til 2ish. Rainy day. Walk to Safeway. Everybody lined up 6 feet apart. Myka and co-worker guiding people in and wiping off all the carts. They both were in a very festive mood. People trying to stay out of each other’s way. I was kind of hyper as left. Black guy came up to me. I thought he wanted my cart. I said: “As soon as I get my stuff out.” Turned out he just wanted to know if I was getting in line again. Anyhow, a moment of politeness that made me happy. Had Beyond Burger in p.m. They’re really good.

April 4 dream:  Trying to skate on wet road. Only it’s not wet enough. Couple of ice skaters skate by. One may be Melissa. (h.o.)

April 4 dream:  Local Prosperos week-day convention which I attend even though I don’t consider myself active in The Prosperos.

April 4 dream:  Preparing and serving and eating some really good food.

April 3, 2020:  Worked on MSM Chapters 22-25. Insight: Just like in our own work on ourselves, the political consciousness needs to work on itself. That is, the more we are aware of the total picture of things, whether individually or as a society, the healthier we will be. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola shopping center. See beautiful man with his girlfriend He ignores me. Latte/cookie at Creightons. Walk to Mt.D. See same guy and his gal just behind me on the path. This time he can’t ignore me. Realized that the the Dallas football game and that the simultaneous football games in Miami and Washington D.C. from my Rosa Parks dream of 1995 probably relate, respectively, to my back going out in 2019 and the COVID epidemic in 2020. It was my back going out which led me to really unearth my father’s sexual abuse of me consciously. And it was the pandemic which led me to unearth my unconscious reaction to it, which was outright panic. My world’s falling apart. I don’t know what to do. Where to turn. Which I experienced at the VA on March 28. Then I connected the fear of my world falling apart with my father’s rape of me to my fear of the world falling apart with the Coronavirus pandemic.

April 3 dream:  Painting of the crisis. (h.o.)

April 3 dream:  Other hard-on dream.

April 2, 2020:  Anonymous call at 9 a.m.-ish. Another anonymous call at 2:50 p.m.-ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. “Bug Gulp” on Ocean. Stop at Creightons for latte/muffin. Walk to Mt.D. See guy on top who I felt I needed to follow. So I follow him down path I don’t normally take. He turns around. I keep going. Run into young man with girl and dog. He’s beautiful. I admire him. He smiles wildly. Then takes off his outer shirt, revealing his body briefly. I think at first he’s smiling at something his girlfriend said. Later realize he was smiling in response to me. Walk to Monterey. #43 home. Stop by Beep’s. Adoré waits on me. He tells me he’s been using his spare time to learn Cambodian (his native language) and Japanese where he will be visiting for two weeks later this year. He commutes to and from Stockton where he lives.

April 2 dream:  Running up empty Market Street in S.F. Guy asks someone about donation. Guy says, “Oh, you’ll have to ask my wife about that.”

April 1, 2020:  Monthly BB. Call for COVID-19 insights. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. And then Portola. Woman in massive face mask at CVS gets manic when I try to get behind her in line. There’s a difference between cautiousness and paranoia. Latte at Creightons. Hawk/crows and Dad and son pick up plastic bag on the ground as I wait for #43. Insight: Shaking at VA after CT scan relates to being with my being with my father in his bed back in ’55 or so. Following and not understanding doctor’s instructions while lying on my back not knowing what I was supposed to do.

April 1 dream:  Priest fights for his children(?) back ’til his shift is over. Then he lets police have them. (h.o.)

March 31, 2020:  Get up about 4:30 a.m. and have trouble getting back to sleep. Then call about 8:45 a.m. wakes me up. I don’t answer. No message. Get anonymous call at about noon. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Hear owl. Then hear what sounds like J’s voice. It bothers me. Cute bearded guy on bike enters Mt.D. as I exit. Latte at Creightons. Guy in “Warren” T-shirt. We talk briefly. (*Relates to “Perfect” from hier, I think.) #43 home.

March 31 dream:  Meeting with some celebrities. I answer video phone as I leave. Black woman says: “So J.Lo and Katy B have a B.” I say: “I don’t know what that means.” She said it means they have a coffee. Then says something that I don’t hear. I say okay.

March 31 dream:  Move to Huuth (pronounced Heath), Oregon. Very small town. Near Corvallis, which is considered the big city. Go to beautiful Corvallis movie theater. Can’t figure out how to buy tickets or when films start. See two guys I know from Bernie campaign. There is a film about Bernie. They say: “I think he’s going to do it.”

March 30, 2020:  Jerk off in a.m. In ’til 2ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Get call from “Private Number.” I say: “Hello, Private Number.” No response. Walk to Mt.D. Guy with dog on Santa Paula. Older guy in van cruising me later on Santa Paula. Creightons open at Portola shopping center. Get latte and muffin to go. Thinking about sex on Juanita. UPS guy smiles at me. Think of etymology of desire, which is “to cease see something.” Follow guy on Rockdale Drive. He led me to porta-potty which I really desired. Walk to Mt.D. and down. Think about sense testimony: Attachment can sap the life out of us. My conclusion: Truth is all being touching all being, reinforcing Its wholeness/health. As I’m thinking this, beautiful woman in community garden looks up and smiles at me. Catch #43. Same guy on bus who I had passed earlier on Ocean Avenue (meaning I’ve come full circle). See “Perfect.” At Lee, follow guy to Acai R. Get avocado toast to go. Guy at counter was cute, young and friendly, but not to me. (*Relates to “Imperfect” from hier?) Saw YouTube movie It’s a Boy Girl Thing in p.m. Made me cry.

March 30 dream:  Thane and many others at big party. I go to house in the back and get stuck behind some women on a ladder on my way back. I’m counting appellate court listings.

March 29, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Get Sunday paper at Walgreen’s Ocean Avenue. No masks, no gloves by cashiers or customers. Walk to Mt.D. Thinking about the voices from my dreams of March 12, saying “Eventually you’ll give up” and “You’re only got a couple of days.” This is like a schizophrenic hearing voices, only I dreamt them. I realized that those voices came from me and so I’m responsible for them. And I’m telling them to fuck off! This feels like a great breakthrough to me. Realizing I have those kind of voices within me and being able to “cast them out” so to speak. Woman with dog on Mt.D. She’s holding dog down. I say: “Is she afraid of me?” Woman says: “No. She just loves you so much she’d jump all over you.” Nothing open at Portola shopping center. #36 to Safeway. Jun closed due to Covid-19 thru April 7. New bag boy at Safeway. I admire him. He smiles at me as I leave. See “Imperfect” while waiting for #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Attachments can cause infectious disease rather than benevolent transmission of intelligence. My conclusion: I/Truth, Legendary, the only intender, the only doer, the only infector, touches Itself with love, desires nothing, possesses all, transmits Its wellness to Itself effortlessly, automatically, easily. OR: Truth wills wellness.

March 29 dream:  Harriet says I’m working on colonitis. I say I’m not. She points to a bottle of medicine. I can’t find colonitis anywhere on it. She has her hand on my shoulder. We are play fighting. (h.o.)

March 29 dream:  Three drunk women with slippery hands struggle over keys to the house.

March 28, 2020:  Take nap in a.m. Then Sarah calls. Call VA. They pretty much confirm that I don’t have COVID. But nurse thinks I should come in to VA ER check out my heart. So I did. It took about 6 hours. Not many people there. Had two nice nurses, Roni and Nicole. 3rd nurse took me up to get a CT scan. After, I started shaking uncontrollably in my wheelchair. When I left, Nicole and I shook our bare hands. #38, #22 and K home. BTW, my heart is fine.

March 28 nap dream:  Have to get brakes fixed on my car. Also my bike needs fixing. I wonder if I can afford it. Thinking of looking at new apartment. Then dog runs after me and plays with me. I toss it a piece of paper it holds in its mouth. (h.o.)

March 28 dream:  In bed with Richard Hartnett who became Whoppi Goldberg. We were in Philadelphia. We were talking about The Prosperos. She referred to a booklet I had written about The Prosperos. I had forgotten all about it though I, too, had one by my bedside as well.

March 28 dream:  Getting some food at a worksite with lots of cute men who I was less intimidated by than I had been before.

March 27, 2020:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. Give guy on cell phone the finger. Nothing open at Portola. Walk down to W.P. Get $5.95 root beer frozen yogurt. Compliment young lady working in front of C.S. Reading Room: “Keep up the good work.” Take K home. See guy who led me to Beep’s a few times. So went to Beep’s again. Adoré not there. Stand in line for root beer float. Guy walks by the other way. Get call from Shahid’s campaign. Later I realized it might have been J. It kind of sounded like him. Scary black man on way in. He was a tulpas or at least a sign of the scary night I was about to have.

March 27 dream:  People climbing down air shaft in building to escape. I had done that before and decided not to do that this time.

March 27 dream:  I stand up to my family like I stood up the people at school I disagreed with.

March 27 dream:  Man and his daughter greet me third time, this time together and much more friendly. They start telling about how great Bernie is.

March 26, 2020:  Work on my taxes. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Pick of Tao Te Ching on way. Then to Portola. Get burrito to go. Hawk on way to Mt.D. Then walk and #43 home. Think of going to Beep’s. Then decide to. Houri there. Waiting on me. Find out his name is Adoré, not Houri. He’s very solicitous me when I leave. Offering me hand lotion, etc.

March 26 dream:  4 or 5 people arrive at my house for Monday night tape group when I didn’t expect many.

March 26 dream:  Something about reconnecting plus (+) figure. Like adding something up.

March 26 dream:  Something about Chicago.

March 25, 2020:  Anonymous call at 9:20 a.m. just as I was getting up. I say: “Hello.” No response. I say: “Well, I’m still alive.” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. Viewed great YouTube video on Muscle Shoals. I thought it was a beach movie. It was about rock ‘n roll studio in Alabama where Aretha Franklin (and others) got their groove going. Walk to Mt.D. Nice but cold day. Got warmer the more I walked. Small cafe open for takeout at Portola. #43 home. Sit in back seat. Hugh loogie on railing in front of me. I change seats. Looking for Examiner at Ocean and Lee, I intuitively go to Beep’s. Think maybe Houri is there. Don’t see him. But do see some guy bending over to pick up his dog. He’s cute. He smiles at me admiring him. Go home. Write poem, “O, MyCorona” for BB.

March 25 dream:  A crazy man and woman were walking out the door and I don’t want to entertain them any more. (h.o.)

March 25 dream:  Run into William F. and Al H. Tell William I’ve already watched his film and I won’t be watching it with him.

March 25 dream:  Two male lions and their cub jump out of our apt. building lobby into another apartment across the street. I realize I could use a chair on them if/when they come back. Then guy sets up his organ outside my window and begins playing. I talk to him, then get building manager to talk to him.

March 24, 2020:  Heather calls. Worked on MSM, Chapter 19. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Mt.D. It’s kind of raining. “ASAP” on truck. One-ring call as soon as I reach top. Sun comes out after I reached peak. Then to Mollie Stones. Woman trying to stay 6 feet away from me pisses me off. Later realized I was really mad at myself for being so fearful. She was just out-picturing it for me. #43 home.

March 24 dream:  Guy wants to sell me station wagon with ratty sofas in the back. Wake up with heart pounding.

March 24 dream:  Walking thru beautiful southern California home. Wonder who they stole money from to get it. Open door to room with Jay Leno talking to somebody about the importance of the set-up to a joke. Drop some of what I’m carrying for a 2nd time. Woman offers to help me clean it up.

March 23, 2020:  Get call just as I got out of shower. I say: “John?” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3:15ish. Walk to Mt.D. Cute constructor worker on Los Palmos. He jumps up on rafter to show off his stomach. As I arrived breathless to top step of Mt.D., beautiful man in black and with black hair and a black bike smiles at me. Go to Mollie Stones Portola. J.H.-like guy near meat dept. Nice cashier. Walk back to Mt.D. hoping to see guy in black again. See other guy. He has on T-shirt that says “Unknown.” As soon as I approach, he moves over on the bench he is sitting on as if expecting me to join him. On leaving him I trip and almost fall. But I keep walking and somehow balance myself. See same old couple on Lulu Alley I saw on March 8. Police cars racing on Frida Kahlo as I approach home. View London Real video with David Icke in p.m. Unexpected final 20 minutes in which Icke sounds like Thane. (*Relates to In the Time and Land of Arascus story I wrote 49 years ago about Mobid, who everybody thought was evil, saying the same words as Arascus, who everybody thought was good.)

March 23 dream:  Guy with group who leave their three top hats (two gray, one black) on the sidewalk while they go into store. He asks me how he can get some money. I say: “You might want to use your top hats.” (h.o.)

March 22, 2020:  Online phone banking for Bernie from 1-4 p.m. to voters in N.Y. Final call was to a first-time father in the hospital with his pregnant wife going into labor. He kept me on the line. It appeared to be a breeched birth. I didn’t know what to do. I Translated birth. Heard baby crying. It was a little girl. Then I cried. In ’til about 4 p.m. Then walk to Mt.D. and CVS Portola. Standing in line waiting forever. Then looked behind me to beautiful smiling Asian guy. Starbucks Portola closed for good now. Nice Asian cashier at Mollie Stones. Also sweet black security guard. #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Recovery of value and wellness cannot be shared because of system dislocation. My conclusion: Truth is the one Possessor/Possession sharing Itself with Itself with boundless ability, boundless wellness, the only Place, the only Thing, the only Being.

March 22 dream:  Warren Buffet acting arrogant in bar. My new yellow umbrella handle not working.

March 22 dream:  Two fat men talking about chocolate.

March 21, 2020:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. Lots of people up there. Down to Safeway. Myka gives me $60 cash back which I had not requested. (*Relates to hawk on Amber from hier?)

March 21 dream:  Exiting big building after show with wild animals and lions. One lion was ailing on the ground. Me and couple quickly inched by. We arrived downstairs at place making sandwiches.

March 21 dream:  After an earthquake, woman says to me: “Glad you came back.” I say: “I always come back.”

March 21 dream:  Voice to me in dream: “Eventually you’ll give up.”

March 21 dream:  Another voice: “You’ve only got a couple of days.”

March 21 dream:  My papers all over the floor. Had to pick up something from P.O. Had to do something on Sunday a.m.

March 21 dream:  My sister’s beachfront astrology was taken down, then permitted by the police.

March 20, 2020:  In ’til 1 p.m. or so. K to Rincon. There ’til 3ish. Return to Castro. Then #35 to G.P. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk and crows overhead. Also coyote. Almost trip on step. Then hawk close up on Amber Drive. Translate calm. Man smiles at me midway through. Mollie Stones. Walk to Mt.D. Canoodling couple on Coventry Lane. Go to Jun’s salon. His wife’s there. Remodel job pretty much finished. He gave me a mask to wear and got very insistent that people should wear them. I said that I thought only people who were sick should wear them. He said the CDC says that only because they don’t have enough masks. 60 masks arrived via delivery person while we were there. God, I love him, but he’s wrong. He’s just repeating what he’s heard from other people.

March 20 dream:  Voting between three different choices. (h.o.)

March 20 dream:  In counseling session, I say to 2nd therapist that I have a rising libido and I will tell my step-brother but I just haven’t yet.

March 20 dream:  Me and another guy go to two guys blackmailing me. I had prepared a letter, a check, etc. He gave it all back to me and took my pen as well. He said: “You. Stay out of my life.”

March 20 dream:  Have sit-down dinner on the island of Molokai. My lip is bleeding Someone uses the word nefigy. And then says: “Look it up.”

March 20 dream:  Nancy, Laurie and I cleaning up area to go to family meeting.

March 19, 2020:  Anonymous call at 9:35 a.m. Caller doesn’t speak. I say: “Is this social distancing?” Worked on MSM, Chapters 19-21. Sarah F. called midway thru. I realized later she had probably been drinking again. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Do take-out. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear distant hawk. Hear owl. Walk to Mt.D. #43 home.

March 19 dream: Am at Tom’s room in Saratoga house. He has a dog. I think: I could have a dog. Then I go to my room. Lots of cars and young girls rushing in and out. Some of the girls are sitting on the hoods of the cars with their legs spread. Carol Carter shows up in blue polka-dotted dress, like my mother used to wear. It’s good to see her. She had been drunk the night before. She is in a severe mood. I think: I’ve got to get my own place.

March 18, 2020:  Anonymous call about 1 p.m.-ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to 7-11 on Ocean. Then up to Mt.D. See same friendly black policeman on Miramar who I saw hier coming out of Walgreen’s on Ocean. Then to Starbucks Portola for take out matcha frappuccino. Walk back to Mt.D. Catch #36 going the wrong way. Then #43 at Forest Hill home. Write “The Ascendency of Political and Biological Corruption?” post for the BB.

March 18 dream:  Attending fancy diner with several possible partners. J.H. Is there but he doesn’t look at me. Others are in the running. I’m trying to be intuitive and unforced. (h.o.)

March 17, 2020:  Walk to Arden Wood to see Aunt Joanne. Nice, friendly black policeman says hello to me at Walgreens on Ocean Avenue. Arden Wood wouldn’t let me in. (*Relates to coyote at G.C.P. from hier?) Walk thru W.P. Walk up to Mt.D. and run to catch #43 to W.F. Then to F.L for London fog to go. Cute guy and gal there. Couldn’t tell which one was cuter. Got call from VA derm doctor postponing my appointment indefinitely due to Covid-19. I felt very attracted to him, even though I couldn’t see him. (*Relates to sudden hawk on Monterey from hier?) Took two hour nap which may relate to my visit to Aunt Joanne. Felt better afterwards. Hear on DVD: “A new journey is about to begin.” Lots of self introspection due to Covid-19. Sure I have it. Then pretty sure I don’t.

March 17 dream:  Asking my friend who had designed an artsy Christmas tree for me before to do it again, only this time all in red cardboard.

March 17 dream:  Jump in greenish water at pool after other guy does it. I try to swim to the bottom to get a rubber duck or something but can’t get very far.

March 16, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. But closed to seating. Go to cafe across the street which is terrible. Walk thru G.C.P. Two hawks rush to tree. Coyote pretty close. Branch noisily breaks off another tree. Mollie Stones. Starbucks Portola closed, too. Go to Mt.D. Then catch #36 to Monterey. Stop by Jun’s salon. He’s repainting his salon. I say: “It looks horrible.” (Which it does.) He smiles. We talk for a few minutes (*Relates to hawks and crows from G.C.P. hier, I think.) Then go to Safeway. Crazy people there. #43 home. Notice in p.m. that all of S.F. is supposed to “shelter in place.”

March 16 dream:  Article in Boston newspaper about Christian Infinity. I want to post it on the BB.

March 16 dream:  Getting ready to read short memorial for someone who died. Am so proud of my new boyfriend John.

March 15, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Hawk on Monterey. Zeph at C. B. with girlfriend? Sudoku also. Walk thru G.C.P. Several hawks and some crows. See Taylor at Portola. Realize it’s him and come back to say hello. #43 home. Bus driver and I talk about Bernie/Biden debate. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: We may be vulnerable to contagion from dangerous memes or dangerous viruses. My conclusion: Truth is consciousness, first person singular, the one and only original, with sole standing in law and the sole agent of justice.

March 15 dream:  I’m in a play. The character next to me told me that the woman interested in him told him she’d just like to fuck him. (h.o.)

March 14, 2020:  Anonymous call around 9:15 a.m. (*Relates to murder of crows from hier?) Then call to Mr. and Mrs. John Pinkerton. I said I was Mrs. Pinkerton. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Very busy. Walk thru G.C.P. Begins to rain. #36 to Monterey. Talk to Jun alone at his salon. He asked me why I was out. I joked that the virus began in China. Myka at Safeway. Run on toilet paper and paper towels and potatoes! On walk, came up with sense testimony combining Bernie’s apparent loss and the coronavirus: Political and biological corruption seems to be on the ascendent. When I get home, Pam R. email about 2008 prediction by psychic Sylvia Browne of 2020 virus that suddenly appears and just as suddenly disappears. In p.m., emotional reaction to father being arrested for child abuse in DCI Banks DVD.

March 14 dream:  Current state of the political race. (h.o.)

March 14 dream:  Nancy and Laurie “kidnap” me to go to a movie in Santa Monica. I had agreed to see Alan Blackman for a movie in the Castro. I couldn’t get my cell phone to work. Run into Gene Goulard who said they were able to save their orchard.

March 14 dream:  Getting ready to leave. Want to hang out a just a few more minutes before I start my new life.

March 13, 2020:  Anonymous call at 8:15 a.m.-ish (*Relates to hawk hier on Plymouth Avenue?) Avalon maintenance guy in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. New barista Carla at C.B. Meet Zee (short for Zack). We talk about tea vs. coffee. Walk thru G.C.P. Murder of crows at the end. Walk up Mt.D. Older guys says to me: “You’re not even out of breath.” I say: “That’s good.” See upside down “chicken” on way down. #43 home. Get off one stop early because of guy on sidewalk. I follow him to Beep’s. Don’t want to go there, but figure I probably should. Turns out guy was leading me to Houri, who I hadn’t seen there since December.

March 13 dream:  Annual gathering of Prosperos, Liz Andrews there. Me, Jack Andrews and William Fennie shirtless. I remembered my hand pain began when I shook William’s hand. We three did a sort of dance. Jack says: “I know about spiritual stuff.” We sang something about Liz, his wife, who was in a nearby tent. The three Smith sisters also did a dance.

March 12, 2020:  Woke up early. Rewrite BB post about coronavirus. Go back to sleep ’til 11:15ish. In ’til 4ish. Finalizing coronavirus post. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk off Plymouth Avenue? Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Young dark beautiful guy videotaping skateboarders at Unity Plaza. He pans his video over to me and smiles. I smile back. Cute little boy looks up to me at Beep’s.

March 12 dream:  Singing songs from three different musicals in some play I’m in.

March 12 dream:  All of a sudden three emergencies rise up. I have to make two phone calls. And then a Japanese neighbor woman wants me to come with her in a hurry, which I do.

March 11, 2020:  Two anonymous calls in a.m. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Two hours at Rincon. (*Woman at Rincon relates to last dream of 3/20?) F to Castro. #35 to G.P. Jordan, Brandon and Sudoku at C.B. Sudoku still not speaking to me. Call Sonic. They wanted one year contract. Not sure I’ll be at present location for one year. Bernie’s brilliant response to Super Tuesday 2.

March 11 dream:  My black real estate agent wants to show me a 7-bedroom house.

March 11 dream:  Something about Modesto.

March 10, 2020:  Wake up early. Email Ben about my taking down his coronavirus post. Then take a 2-hour nap. In ’til 3ish. Hawk on Edna on way to G.P. Brandon and Zeph at C.B. Zeph says he “would have” voted for Bernie. Aunt Joanne accidentally calls me. We make date to meet up next week. Sudoku enters C.B. Then leaves. Plane flies over Mt.D. Cute Asian guy on Frida Kahlo. Everything seems so green, even though it hasn’t rained in months.

March 10 dream:  At some kind of vacation weekend. Lots of things to do. There’s a play I want to see. I walk by gay guys in line for a club. I squeeze by. One guy says: “That feels better.” Am on board docked ship climbing a railing I had climbed before. Black guy is upset about something. I feel unsteady. I have a napkin or something in my hand. I consider dropping it to be more sure footed. Woke up.

March 10 dream:  Am given an old electric VW bug car. And another old car. Me and another guy start to drive off. Two older friends stay behind.

March 10 dream:  Running into that nasty girl from the library on the back of a pick-up truck as one of her friends was leaving. And we were getting ready to go to work.

March 9, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See “Graduation Closer Than You Think.” Cute, dark, muscular, tattooed guy on Circular Avenue. Jordan at C.B. (Also Brandon and his girlfriend facing the wall.) Cute fuckable guy comes in with his girlfriend. He notices me noticing him and smiles. (*Relates to J.H. lookalike and his son from hier?) Sudoku snaps at me when I tease him about using Google, which he says he has a problem with. (*Relates to puppy on Mt.D. hier who, for no apparent reason, barked at me while backing away from me.) Decide to finally Translate the sense testimony: Democracy sometimes make the wrong decisions. My conclusion: The people are the voice of the already-decided Truth.” (*Relates to old couple hier who were so glad to see me.) Guy in cute running outfit on Mt.D. Guy with “cute dog” on Cresta Vista Drive. #43 home.

March 9 dream:  Vote to go on world tour with band/choir. (h.o.)

March 8, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. (Brandon and his girlfriend there also but seated looking against the wall). Moment of baraka with Daniel. (*Relates to hawks and crows and shits from hier, I think.) Walk thru G.C.P. John H. lookalike (shorter, younger) and his son(?) running across Portola. Walk to Mt.D. and down. Elderly couple ask me how I am. Then say: “It’s really nice to see you.” Catch #43 just as it arrives. Give $1 to homeless lady at McDs for 1st page of Examiner. Then give her $2. Hear “Something good will happen” on YouTube or DVD. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Symbiotic relationships can be disrupted by both ontogenetic and phylogenetic data that causes isolation. My conclusion: Truth is having a symbiotic indisruptably continuous love affair (eruption) with Itself, whose beginning was beginningless and whose ending will be endless and whose boundaries are boundless. OR: Truth is a given.

March 7, 2020:  Work on MSM Chapter 17. Write BB blog: “Consciousness is not Passive.” In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Brandon and Daniel at C.B. Also Sudoku who asked about my Howard Zinn book. Walk thru G.C.P. for first time in months. 2 or 3 hawks overhead. Murder of crows. Shits at Mollie Stones. Myka at Safeway. Run to catch #43. Home.

March 7 dream:  I am with my sister Laurie. We are headed towards political church. It is SRO. It is a Bernie Sanders event. I become Bernie Sanders. People don’t recognize me yet. (h.o.)

March 7 dream:  Someone telling me I have a daughter somewhere.

March 7 dream:  Guy collecting money at underground subway station.

March 6, 2020:  “Spasms of excitement” referred to in BB comedy video. Online call with Cenk Uygur and about 200 others. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Starbucks Portola. Call Sarah in SLO. We talk about an hour. If she goes to Medford, OR, for Rick’s RHS class, I may go, too. #43 home. Beep’s. Home. Shits.

March 6 dream:  Cleaning out my wallet in public. I accidentally drop a dollar in trash can. I rush to get it back. Realize I was probably a little too manic about that. See Tom C. crossing the street. He looks great. We smile. He’s with a young hetero couple who are kissing.

March 5, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. #43 to Arizmendi Bakery. Beautiful man in shorts I sit across the aisle from. Go to Arizmendi. Walk to Peet’s Cafe Cole Street. Royale and Daniel there. Also cute, sweet barista who I had never seen before. #43 to W.F. and home.

March 5 dream:  Released from prison for 2nd time. Run along beach.

March 5 dream:  I am in small retirement group. Next to 3 guys including Thane. They are celebrating the birthday of one of the guys, a civil rights leader, tonight. Thane doesn’t look so good. The setting looks like a department store.

March 4, 2020:  Hot guy on K inbound leads me to even hotter guy. Makes me hard and later wet. 101 with John F. We decided to take a break from 101 for a while ’til we get some sort of new direction. We get something to eat. Then two hours at Rincon. Get call from “Private Number” at Rincon. BART to G.P. Can’t find seat at C.B. Meet Cain in front of BART G.P. He’s reading Bhagavad Gita from Philosophy of Religion class at CCSF. We talk briefly. Then I find seat next to Brandon (and his girlfriend) at C.B. Jordan is barista. Also Zeph. Later I run into Zeph on #23. Tell him I’ve checked out the 2nd Star Wars movie, which he had recommended. Walk home. Insight: the self-imposed burden of thinking of myself as a “great man.”

March 4 dream:  Walking down my new neighborhood road in my bathrobe and not much else. It’s like I want to be raped. Find nice cute outdoor seating area with mostly young men. (*Wanting to get fucked indiscriminately relates to my back spasms? How can a person of God want to be fucked indiscriminately? Was this the dichotomy I pledged to figure out in Menlo Park? Maybe it’s my way of covering up being a person of God. Relates to guy hier that I got wet over? Or guy from a few days ago on the #43. Desirable men want to be desired. Women have been desired for centuries. Now it’s the men’s turn. Being desired is a joy many men hunger for. Relates to vision of 1974 of river of joyous souls?)

March 3, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. and Starbucks Portola. Start listening to Super Tuesday returns. #43 home. More returns. Very disappointing nite. Feel terrible.

March 3 dream:  Two people staying over. One brings some friends who start talking and wake me up. I get hard. The friends leave. But the other guy stays and I feel threatened by him. Then I realize it’s a dream.

March 3 dream:  Hanging around guy I like. I want to offer to stay to help, but don’t. Later I ask him out. Also new apt. I like.

March 3 dream:  Graduation ceremony with The Prosperos. Leigh Barbier doing the Hawaiian ceremony of putting fish on my shoulders. Last year her daughter Isabelle did it. William Fennie sitting with Clair Gold. He hurt her breasts. She said: “My breasts are not boobs.”

March 2, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Go to library. Then see John H. lookalike sitting on the curb at Ocean & Plymouth in front of the laundromat. Walk up to Mt.D. Then Starbucks Portola. Then walk home via Mt.D. Follow guy up Robinhood Drive. Then down Plymouth. Another cute guy enters laundromat. Go to W.F. See W.F. worker that I knew from a while back. Follow him. He’s talking with someone else. See Isaiah at checkout counter. He’s a student of psychology.

March 2 dream:  Masseuse (or masseur) gently rubbing our testicles and penises.

March 2 dream:  Some kind of big gathering under an overpass. Some people I knew. There were some politicians speaking. I went to go hear them.

March 1, 2020:  Bernie tabling with Evangeline, Taylor, Michael, Scott, Suzanne, Alex, Aram, Andreas, Sara, Jason, Jimmy and me. See “Almost Finished.” PBS Newshour videotaped Michael singing his Bernie song with his Bernie mask on. Guy named Nathan stopped by with a bunch of his home-made Bernie buttons just when we had run out. Dan (the clay potter) making a point of saying goodbye to me as he left. At 3 p.m, as we were wrapping up, big crowd of Bernie cyclists rides down Castro and makes a left turn in front of us to much cheering and excitement. After, several of us go to The Cove for a last get-together. John F. walks to Mary’s with me. J to G.P. Brandon and Zeph at C.B. #43 and #43 home.

March 1 dream:  One roommate brings home a black guy. Another woman brings home several people. Bill Floyd brings home a whole line of people. One of us says: “Now it’s our turn [to go out to some lame movie].” I say: “I don’t want to do that.’

March 1 dream:  My boss at work wants me to expand her left margin. She has Christian Science text under her papers. City spraying garbage and fumes on the street. I hold my breath. John F. there.

February 29 dream:  Shits in a.m. Bernie tabling at 18th & Castro with John F., Heidi, ellen, Scott, Taylor, Rick, Michael, Rotimi, Marjorie, Shana, Viola, Rob and his daughter, and me. See shirt: “Talk to the Pain.” Very windy day. Rick walks back to Mary’s with me. J to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Also Brandon. Safeway. #43 home. Blank 11 a.m. message when I get home.

February 29 dream:  Cleaning up. Unlocking lots of safes and dusting them, closing them, opening them.

February 29 dream:  Go to very nice relaxing law library with other old bastards(?) with group of people including Tom C. I get away from the group. Find interesting old book. Woman starts talking about Michael Douglas and then asks for my phone no.

February 28, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Bernie HQ. Smell odor which reminded me of France. Fantasize about moving there. See big ad which says: “Stay.” See endofyou.io. See Alvin, Ellen, Dan and Mary at Bernie HQ. Go to Muddy Waters. Barista asks me: “Where’s ‘Bernie’?” I say: “He’s at home resting.” #49 home. Sweet tattooed guy with his little hermana. Then very cute young guy who gets off at my stop. Go to Beep’s. Home. Drop and break glass.

February 28 dream:  Dream of my mother.

February 28 dream:  Getting ready to take flight somewhere. It may be a connecting flight.

February 27, 2020: Think maybe my back pain is related to the election as the cyst on my back was. Anonymous call around noon. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then Starbucks Portola. Barista calls me Tom. I say: “That’s okay. That’s my brother’s name.” Get burrito after. Then #43 home. Sit across from handsome Latino construction worker. I pledge to stay on ’til he gets off. He happens to get off at my stop. I enjoy seeing him walk away. He does a little dance. W.F. Home.

February 27 dream:  Trying to wrestle weapon out of Elizabeth Warren’s hands.

February 27 dream:  Take jacket not claimed by anybody. Start new temp assignment. Have a class tomorrow.

February 26, 2020:  101 with John F. Two hours at Rincon. BART to G.P. Brandon there. Jordan is barista, later replaced by baristo Daniel. #36 and #43 home.

February 26 dream:  Cars being readied for sale?

February 26 dream:  Packing up.

February 26 dream:  Visit house. See Steve Houston and other Steve. Both look good. One seems to come on to me. Guy ties loose rope around my leg. They are having big meeting in the house. I make up a salad.

February 26 dream:  In small town, ask direction to the P.O. so I can mail something off.

February 25, 2020:  Wake up thinking maybe my back pain is a coverup for prostate cancer fears or fear of fame or … Anonymous call around noon. Work on MSM, Chapters 17 and 18. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. Marcus at CVS. Then Starbucks Portola. Then leave. Then come back. Pretty woman at Starbucks give me the eye as I come in to use the restroom. I take shit. Demo debate begins. #43 home. Chest in in p.m.

February 25 dream:  Creepy guy just wouldn’t stop. Even though I had him tied up.

February 25 dream:  A group of us workers saying good night after our first day together. One says to me: “You’re quite the guy.” Another: “You’re opening up.”

February 25 dream:  My father jumped off a building to kill himself. I heard it first. Then I saw him. Harriet had already died.

February 24, 2020:  Catch up on BB and emails. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Mt.D. Marcos at CVS. Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Two black guys make sure I get a seat. Then I offer 3rd black guy on crutches my seat. He said he was trying to move his backpack, I think.

February 24 dream:  I was trying to tell Cenk Uygur that Susan Lovett told me that Amy Goodman wanted to invite him to appear at her next class. I sit down next to Zoë Robinson who had some connection to Amy and reminded me.

February 24 dream:  To celebrate birthday of little girl, my idea is to give everybody toy instruments and play “Happy Birthday” to her. I am shy about proposing my idea, but share it with one woman Then feel stronger about the idea.

February 23, 2020:  Taking shower this a.m., RHSing my father. My heart starts to race uncontrollably. Bernie tabling with Heidi, Angeline, Abby, Matthew, Suzanne, Taylor (plus 2 or 3 people who just stopped by to help her and offer us free Philz coffees), Jimmy, Rick, Andreas, Sara and me (12 of us). Heidi surveyed 13 people on the Bern app. I canvassed 1 person. Rick saved the day with a new supply of stickers and buttons. Talked with Dan (the potter) afterwards. He says: “I don’t know what I’m doing.” I say: “In regard to selling or making?” “Both,” he says. I love him. Then to Spike’s. Then #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. #36 and walk home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Duality of right and wrong keeps people disagreeing and prevents coming to compromise. My conclusion: Truth is the Great Work, the Great Mission, the singularity of Rightness, everyone/everything indivisibly expressing Itself, always compromising (i.e., always agreeable, always pleasing, irrepressibly happy working together).

February 23 dream:  My book being used by political activists as a way to encourage participation in a just society.

February 23 dream:  Try to close the blinds before my stepmother gets home. New newspapers in the way. Mayor Pete sitting in his underpants. Stepmother wants me to help bring in groceries but just says she wants to see me.

February 23 dream:  One old woman and several old men on bus to water area of San Diego. Then I get a promotion at work and an office in Room 402.

February 23 dream:  Rehearsals done. Getting in place for the show.

February 22, 2020:  Bernie tabling with John F., Rick, Heidi, Caleb, Athena, Sam, Max, Suzanne, Marjorie & Shana, Abby & Ozzie, and Scott and me. Marjorie brought snacks and a great soundtrack (Bob Dylan, John Lennon, the Strokes). Mayor Pete on one side. Girl Scout cookies on the other. 10 people surveyed on the Bern app. 9 canvassed. See Scott Shafer from KQED-FM. Afterwards, guy asked me: “Was there a Bernie event? I saw a whole bunch of people with Bernie stickers on.” That was us. #35 to G.P. Daniel at C.B. (also Brandon and his girlfriend though I didn’t talk with them). Walked to Safeway. Jun busy with customer. Myka at Express Lane.

February 22 dream:  Attend play where children pretend to be dead and are covered with green boughs. I’ve seen the play before. Didn’t like it much.

February 22 dream:  Working on notes for Translation class. Expand upon subject of space ’cause that’s where we’re going.

February 21, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. K to City Hall to vote. Meet guy with French horn on the K. Then beautiful dark smiling man entering Van Ness station. Then I vote. Feel really good afterwards. Walk to 8th & Market. Then all the way up Market to Starbucks Portola. Meet Franklin and other baristo there. #43 home. Realize my always wanting to move may be habit formed when I was living in Saratoga. Two blank phone messages when I get home from 3:48 and 3:51 p.m., about the time I was voting.

February 21 dream:  Big meeting with Bernie supporters and captains. Three different parts of the effort. (h.o.)

February 21 dream:  In very clean Chinese resto, getting ready for Bernie tabling. Then there is a bus in the resto.

February 20, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Anonymous call in a.m. Go to Target on Masonic. Find great jacket but too small and no longer on order. (Get paper cut trying it on.) Go to downtown Target. Nothing there. Go to 13th & Folsom Target. Nothing there but cute Asian guy with tight butt who took a liking to me. He lifted up his shirt while I called yet another Target. (*Relates to sudden shits from hier about 6 p.m.?) Then Target at 225 Bush. Very nice and helpful black guy there. BART home. W.F. Order jacket online.

February 20 dream:  Walk thru store with lots of beautiful Van Gogh cards, etc. Have to walk past two “scary” shaking toy dragons to leave store. I think: “That could really scare somebody.”

February 19, 2020:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Cold. Two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. #35 to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Jesse at Railroad Expresso on #43 home. Publish MSM Chapter 16. Then shits around 6 p.m.

February 19 dream:  Dream of the Democratic race.

February 19 dream:  Unfrightened rats at Japanese house of ours.

February 19 dream:  Move to Texas. No job. No place. Stay at motel with friend. Kind of don’t hate Texas.

February 18, 2020:  Work on MSM Chapter 16. 1-1/2 ring call at 3:30ish. In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. and Starbucks Portola. “Christ” guy (from February 6) at CVS. Read more Harry Potter. Insight about last nite’s dream: Me being on trial for my mother’s death being related to my back pain? Am I punishing myself for my egocentric reaction to her death? Was Lucia’s touch of my lower back the act of kindness which I couldn’t allow myself? Also Jane Kennedy’s kind look one day at 101 Market. Which is why I was so willing to be my father’s slut? #43 to W.F. Two cute guys on board. Transexual at deli? Cute guy on checkout line. See “Not Yet.”

February 18 dream:  Write check to “Hollywood Reporter.” I cruise guy on roof. He threatens to throw me off. Then someone starts sucking his dick. I grab his ass. He lets me. I get hard.

February 17, 2020:  In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then Mollie Stone’s. Cute Asian checker (who had been standoffish before) and I connect. Starbucks Portola. Read more Harry Potter. #36 to Monterey. Walk home. Pakwan resto.

February 17 dream:  Group of us being tried or at least questioned in murder case. Not sure if I’m off the hook or not. My back pain may be connected.

February 16, 2020:  Bernie tabling with Ali, Terek, Jenny, Keenahn, Artie, Laurel, Taylor, Ed and me. Hard day. Ed freaks out over Bernie corgi sticker. Everybody paired up with people they came with, leaving me kind of out in the cold. Nice talk with Dan (the clay potter) after. Then go to Mary’s. Then J to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Distant hawks at G.P. #23 to Gennessee. Beautiful black bus driver who liked my “Bernie.” Walk and #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Social media addiction reveals people’s need for confirmation but does not reveal truth. My conclusion: Truth confirms Itself, is socially addicted to Itself, wants for nothing but Its own Self-revealing lack of in-betweenness. Insight: My father beating me after my kiss with Kathy W., not about upsetting my step-mother, as he claimed. It was about upsetting him and betraying our so-called relationship.

February 15, 2020:  Bernie tabling with John F., Rotimi, Heidi, Scott, Taylor, Marjorie and her daughter Shana, Ellen, Ed, Jason and me. Mary stopped by as did Elliot. Michael sang and played on his uke an original Bernie Sanders song, which Marjorie videoed. Marjorie also took several photos. Heidi and Rotimi surveyed 31 people between them on the Bern app. Talk with Tommi Avicolli-Mecca. Go to Mary’s. Met Darcy, Mary’s grown daughter. Meet Jake outside. (*Relates to Julia Roberts dream of February 14?) #35 to G.P. on board with Alan Blackman. Daniel (and Brandon) at C.B. Ricardo at Safeway. Myka not there. Very hot maintenance guy at W.F.

February 15 dream:  Dreaming about Bernie report.

February 14, 2020:  In ’til noonish. VA appointment at 1:40 p.m. Attractive female resident. Stayed ’til 3:10 or so. #29 home. Began reading Harry Potter. Made me feel good. Stopped at McD’s. Call from Comcast in p.m. (*Relates to first dream of February 12?)

February 14 dream:  Return to my nice, clean apartment in the upper Castro. Not much food in the house. Eat last bowl of cereal. Cute young cops drive by just outside my window. I smile at them. There is big wound on my chest outside my heart, but I know my heart is fine. It’s just an outer wound.

February 14 dream:  Meet a male version of Julia Roberts. Then have dinner with him and another male couple.

February 13, 2020:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then Starbucks Portola. Then home. Still recovering from cold. 134 clicks on the BB.

February 13 dream:  Dressed nicely, about to have sex with prostitute in L.A. We have to wait a few hours. I think: “I’d rather just drive home to S.F.”

February 12, 2020:  Realize my cold is probably related to my grief over realizing what my father did to me back in ’56 or so. Got two calls when I was in the shower, thinking about this. 101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Two hours at Rincon. BART to G.P. Jordan and Brandon at C.B. Waiting for #23, see “UFO” in the sky. Talk with guy next to me about it. He told me it looks like helicopter they were filming on Sunday nite for new Matrix movie. Cute young guy on #23. #43 home. Blank message from 10:19 a.m. just about a minute or so after I left apt. in a.m.

February 12 dream:  I ride in tech bus to south of Market area. Very scary area, then very nice but sterile area. I accidentally track down where John H. lives and works. There’s an office door with “John C. Harrison” written on it. And he’s right there working at a computer. He looks good. His hair is combed back and reddish. His boss comes over and is very “handsy” with J. I think they’re together. Then some other guy appears. He’s unsmiling, hard, kind of unyielding. J’s boss says: “Our boy has a date tonight.” I say: “Well, I’ll just have to wait.” And I ride off triumphantly on my bike with my fist in the air.

February 12 dream:  Students very concerned about deans of school. I know they weren’t always deans. They were just students like us.

February 11, 2020:  Hard nite last nite. In ’til 3ish. Work on MSM Chapter 16. Walk to Mt.D. and Starbucks Portola. Watch N.H. returns. Walk home. Bernie wins N.H.!

February 11 dream:  Livia M. having hard time remembering where she is. She tries to get up.

February 10, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Realize that I was wrong hier when I thought there was a connection between me being in pain when lying down and the word “lying,” as in not telling the truth. Realize that probably is not true. That my back pain while lying down is probably my body’s way of telling me that, yeah, it really did happen and it happened when you were lying down. Go to CVS Portola. Cute cashier there. Then Mollie Stones. Then Starbucks Portola. Guy comes up to me and wants to shake my hand ’cause of the Bernie T-shirt I was wearing. I say: “My hand are wet. I just went to the bathroom.” He said: “That’s okay.” Turns out he’s a Berniecrat. Walk to Mt.D. Hear owl. Walk to Monterey and #43 home.

February 10 dream:  Friend going to George’s commune at end of work day. I’d never heard of George’s commune.

February 9, 2020:  Bernie tabling at 18th & Castro with Heidi, Scott, Lillie (and her blind dog Fig), Patrick, Taylor. With cameo appearances by Darrow and Rick. Street guy asks Patrick: “Are you straight?” Patrick says: “Yes.” Guy says: “Why?!?!” Talk with Mary afterwards. Then J to G.P. Zeph and Sudoku there. Then BART to Balboa. Sweet guy at G.P. BART. Walk home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Telling lies (and believing lies) is misleading and we might not be able to brake the resultant behavior. My conclusion: Truth is innate all-knowing, always telling the Truth, always believing the Truth, the reality of grandeur, the unbrakeability and unbreakability of Truthful behavior. In looking up the word “lie,” realized the connection between my pain while lying and the concept of “lying.” Still haven’t figured out what I’m lying about. (*No. See diary of February 10.)

February 9 dream:  Walk thru J’s place while he’s there. Later see him on path. Hope he’ll invite me to party. (h.o.)

February 9 dream:  Gathering together 3 or 4 people, including nice guy Willam DeFoe, to kill some overlords and free a people.

February 8, 2020:  Bernie tabling at 18th & Castro with John F., Ellen, Suzanne and Taylor. Talk briefly with Terry Beswick from Mayor Pete’s campaign. Meet Simba, young black man from Charlotte, NC., who wanted to know places to visit in the Castro. Biden-supporter Patrick said he is switching to Mayor Pete but he took a Bernie sign from me. 15 people canvassed. Extremely high after tabling. After, ran into Matt from SF Berniecrats and his father on their way to Mary’s. Talk with Mary and others returning from canvassing at her place. Then J to G.P. Zeph and Brandon at C.B. Myka at Safeway. Plus Safeway worker who I spoke with hier at W.F. Asian guy at Monterey & Gennessee. Very nice to me. When I leaned over, I fantasized about him checking out my ass and I felt like slugging him. (My father used to say to me, “Why don’t you just hit me?” Was it because he knew he deserved it?)

February 8 dream:  Guy at work accuses me of things I didn’t do.

February 7, 2020:  VA appointment at 11:30 a.m. My podiatrist, Jonetta, was a Bernie supporter, so that was cool and unexpected. Go to La Promenade on Balboa. Then walk thru G.G. Park to 9th & Judah. #43 to W.F. and home.

February 7 dream:  Move to Vegas. Everyone is dressing up to look good and have sex. Also move to new apt. When I see apt. in the back near trees, I ask for that one instead.

February 7 dream:  Moved to place a few blocks across the border of Mexico. Lived with Bea Arthur. She was watching one of her favorite shows of hers about how the unconscious mind works. I go into the living room to get a better look. Think it will be great for the BB.

February 6, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Beautiful (not cold) day. Walk to Mt.D. White flag no longer flying there. Walk on to Starbucks Portola. Hear coyotes in background. Young man at CVS. I asked him about his arm tattoo. It was something about Christ being his strength. I said, “That’s great.” Starbucks Portola. Then walk home via Mt.D. Hear owl. Realize on way down that I might have been having an OBE (out of body experience) when looking at myself in my father’s bed. (BTW, my father’s nickname was “Obe,” short for Oberhaus.) Cute young guy at Beep’s as I was waiting for my veggieburger.

February 6 dream:  List of two recent debts.

February 6 dream:  Fantasize about stopping a guy and fucking (repay?) him.

February 6 dream:  Leaving gym. Fully dressed woman jokes with naked man. Man says: “Take all the time you need.” Woman cruises him and says: “Even I thought that was a little weird.”

February 5, 2020:  Go to 101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Very cold. Then two hours at Rincon. Met Sanghoo Yang from Korea. He’s in the beer business. Wants to make $2 billion and give $1 billion to his university. His beer is called “The Booth.” Then go to Muddy Waters and read more from Waking the Tiger. Then Berniecrats meeting at Redstone Building. Sat next to Greg and his 5-y-o daughter Gwen. Mary, Ben, Jason, Patrick and others there. It was a two hour meeting. On #49 home find out Bernie is only .1 behind Buttedgeedge.

February 5 dream:  Talking about murder mystery story with someone.

February 5 dream:  Nannie saying: “The city makes me tired.”

February 4, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Work on MSM Chapter 15. Still waiting for complete results from Iowa. Walk to library. Then up to Mt.D. White flag still flying on top. Go to Starbucks Portola. Then back to Mt.D. and #43 and home.

February 4 dream:  Everything seems to be put in its proper place. Situation normal?

February 4 dream:  Working with some friends I hadn’t worked with in a while. One was wearing no pants in the back.

February 4 dream:  An old woman comes up to our stand and says she wants a bitter, a sorrow, and a fruit app. Earlier I am eyeing some woman’s breasts.

February 3, 2020:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Bernie HQ. Francis there. Met cute, sweet young man who sold me some Bernie window signs. Other people I know. They were watching CNN so I take #49 home. (*Relates to “Boring!” dream of February 1?)

February 3 dream:  Day after drunken party, someone asks me: “You know that college guy?” I say: “No.” They say: “I think he liked you.”

February 3 dream:  Rushing to meet someone. Forget my library book? (*Relates to call from J. on February 4?)

February 2, 2020:  Tabled at 18th & Castro with Suzanne, Ellen, Tom, Taylor, Ed and “Bernie.” See Greg Cassin there. Also meet Francis, fellow Bernie canvasser in the neighborhood. We have a “date” to meet up tomorrow night to watch Iowa returns. Take supplies back to Mary’s Then #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. BART and #8 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Persons/memories deliberately lie, steal, abuse, and use violence due to greed and personal gain. My conclusion: The property of Truth is all that can be remembered, all that can be intended, all that can be utilized: the perpetual motion of harmonious energy in the midst of infinite plenty.

February 2 dream:  Friends teasing old gay man in prison.

February 2 dream:  Peeing with guy at urinal. He climbs out the window. I say: “Is that how it’s done?” Later at table, people next to me are impressed by my connection with mobster Tommy.

February 2 dream:  At remote train stop in Europe we are informed of an undercover house of prostitutes for men and women. Someone says: “At this stop, everything’s got to happen.”

February 2 dream:  Cute guy I liked took me to place with lots of strange food. He said I didn’t have to eat it. I said: “Good,” and spit it out. Went with him to other places. Lots of gay men there (in black & white). I wondered if J. would ever hang out with those guys. I said to my friend: “Why are you alone? No, not why do you live along? Why are you eating alone?” He says: “No. I’m starving.”

February 1, 2020:  Tabling with John F., Taylor, Scott, Ed and “Bernie.” Met Nicholas from Germany who told Scott he was transexual. Taylor got accosted by libertarian who said to her: “You said you wanted to take away money from billionaires!” Taylor looked to me. I got between them. Then Ed came by. Then Scott came by. Man finally left when Scott said, “You’re against taxation for everyone. You think taxation is theft.” After thinking about it, I think what’s underneath his alleged hatred for taxation is the fear that somewhere somehow people of color will be advantaged. #35 to G.P. Seth and friend at C.B. Also Brandon with his girlfriend. Walk to Safeway. Myka at Safeway. Walk home. Work on BB. Cute, friendly guy at Safeway who went out of his way to help me find parmesan cheese.

February 1 dream:  Legal assistant tricked out of being part of family(?) I looked on.

February 1 dream:  Cleaned out my right ear which had a dental brush in it.

February 1 dream:  Someone yelling “Boring!!!” at me.

January 31, 2020:  Meet with Steve Hines at McDs. It’s a great meeting. He shared his enlightenment experience of 1969 in Albany, Oregon. Also from est: If you experience something, experience it totally. Re Carol Carter: “I remember everything.” Home ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan (and Brandon) at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mollie Stones Portola. Stand and wait behind cute guy in line even thought two other cashiers invited me to their checkout lines. Walk to Mt.D. Someone planted a white flat on top. Guy I followed briefly on way down.

January 31 dream:  I say about AOC: “At least we still have our little toe.” She thanks me. I say: “Did I say that?” (*Relates to SF Super Bowl loss on February 2 or Iowa caucus breakdown of February 3?)

January 31 dream:  Wake up feeling bad that I wasn’t a good enough sex object for my father.

January 30, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Arizmendi. Pick up gluten-free bread. New worker there. Then N to Cole Street. Talk to beautiful Asian man on my way out about book he was carrying: Behave. See Daniel and Royale at Peet’s Cole Valley. Speak briefly with Daniel. #37 and K home. See Jesse at W.F. cafe. Read more Waking the Tiger in p.m. Insights: I had a disassociation in memory of being in my father’s bed. Realized my memory is of looking down at his bed. Could it have been an out-of-body experience of disassociation? I think so. (*Relates to finding $100 bill on January 25?) Another insight: Gas-lighting can also be positive gas-lighting, like, “Oh, we love you so much, blah, blah, blah.” Pushing one to believe it’s true, even though it may just be talk.

January 30 dream:  At kitchen sink, washing dishes. Then the water fills the whole kitchen up to my waist.

January 30 dream:  Long winding lines of people in Stonestown parking lot.

January 29, 2020:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Pretty good day. Then two hours at Rincon. Then K to Castro. #35 to G.P. Owners at C.B. Also Brandon. Give $100 bill from January 25 to guy sitting on the street. #23 and #43 home. Cruise cute, short, construction worker as I leave #43. W.F. not happening. Get text from Steve Hines. He’ll be here a few more days.

January 29 dream:  Me and others fighting with somebody in the fog, somebody we couldn’t see very well. (*Relates to fighting with my father? Also: Me being pee-shy relates to my father’s sexual abuse of me?)

January 29 dream:  Joe Biden is cheating in his campaign. Electricity goes off in apartment I’m staying in but not elsewhere. I was watching very interesting program and transcribing poem with “H…” in one column and “…is” in another column, referring to “His.” I try to report it.

January 28, 2020:  6:14 a.m. (ish) call from anonymous caller. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph and Mae at C.B. Then get call from Steve Hines. So he comes up, picks me up and we (mostly he) talk for over an hour in his car at the McD’s parking lot. Run into my Spanish-speaking friend on the way out. I ask him his name: “Como se llama?” He says: “Henry.” I say: “Miguel.” Charlie at W.F.

January 28 dream:  In a forest community with only major newspapers from major cities. No local papers.

January 27, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Get email from Steve Hines who’s lost in downtown S.F. So we meet up. Go to McD’s. I see my Spanish-speaking friend from hier. Get call for John Pinkerton while at McD’s. I said: “I’m talking with someone else right now.” Feel really good afterwards. Nathan at W.F. Read more Waking the Tiger in p.m.

January 27 dream:  9 of us standing in 3 rows. Some of us decide to do a comic bit while responding to leader.

January 27 dream:  Thane, Carol Carter, Scot Loomis join seminar on dance and all kinds of other things.

January 26, 2020:  Bernie tabling with Scott, Ed, Taylor, Aleece, Ashley, Elliot and me. Warren people next to us. Very productive day. Fell in love with Elliot. Take stuff back to Mary’s. Then #35 to G.P. Cute guy reading Saladin. We talk briefly. Zeph at C.B. #23 to Monterey. Then walk home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Power leads to money which leads to covert acts of corruption. My conclusion: Truth is the incorruptible flow of power, money, and ability, housed everywhere, hidden everywhere, the only way.

January 25, 2020:  Go to Mary’s at 11 a.m. Then to 18th & Castro. Find $100 bill on 15th Street. John F. and Scott at 18th & Castro. Then take table, etc. back to Mary’s. Then #35 to G.P Zeph at C.B. Walk to Safeway. Myka at Safeway. He calls Joe Rogan the Oprah Winfrey of frat boys. Walk home. Then run to library just in time before it closes. Go to McD’s. Speak Spanish to one of the workers.

January 25 dream:  Furious at office which misplaced my driver’s license. They couldn’t even give me the address of the place where I have to go to replace it. They had to do some alchemical thing to get it. Beautiful shirtless man exercising and jumping into water. Other men trying to comfort me, lean their heads on my shoulder.

January 25 dream:  H.o. dream about something.

January 25 dream:  Dreamt about teaching Translation.

January 24, 2020:  Call rings 4 times at about 8:30 a.m. I am half awake and don’t even realize it ’til later. (*Relates to murder of crows from January 22 and heart flutter from earlier this a.m., I think.) #49 to Tommy’s Joint for John F. birthday lunch with John, Alyson, Rick and Lucas. Had salmon and a really good time. Condom machine over toilet in the bathroom. After, went to Starbucks to read Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. Met Daniel, GMAT student. Then walk to 19th & Castro. Beautiful out-of-towner at 19th & Castro. Didn’t want to go after him in front of J’s store. #35 to G.P. Then #23 and #43 home. Meet Luke on #23. He listens to Pod Save America. Blank phone message from 3:37 p.m. when I get home. Insight: My trauma was realizing that my family was not my real family. “God” was my real family.

January 24 dream:  In ’81 I’m starting temp job with firm I worked for in ’78. They showed me my old records(?) I have to start work at 8 a.m. every morning.

January 24 dream:  Give some little kid my autograph.

January 23, 2020:  #29 to VA appointment at 10 a.m. Leave home about 8:30 a.m. When I get home see blank phone message from 9:44 a.m. 2 or 3 cute Asian school boys on #29 on way. Then interesting black guy sitting near me. Angel at VA removes my sutures. #29 home. Beautiful, hot straight guy with long straight blond hair sits near me. Then I see his sparkly finger nail polish on all his fingers. So I decide I’ll stay with him ’til he gets off. He got off at my stop and headed for CCSF. He was unsmiling on the bus, but afterwards there was the faintest whiff of a smile as he ran his hand through his blond hair. Sarah at W.F. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Meet David at Starbucks Portola. I move my seat to sit next to him. I see him studying diarrhea on his laptop. I say: “Are you a medical student?” He says: “Yes.” We talk for several minutes. Then he goes back to studying. Then as he is leaving we talk some more. Finally he slips in: “. . . Me and my wife . . .” Hear owl on Mt.D. on way home.

January 23 dream:  Dreaming about back problem.

January 23 dream:  Try to work with guy. He says he can’t work with my family Others in town are disappointed too. One guy who used to be paid poorly is now paid well ’cause he has to pay for the dividends of his bosses.

January 22, 2020:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Then two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. #35 to G.P. Murder of crows on the way. Zeph at C.B. #23 and #43 home.

January 21, 2020:  Call from “Publishers Clearing House” in a.m. I won $3.2 million dollars and one 300 C class Mercedes-Benz! All I have to do is send a cashier’s check for $750. Work on MSM Chapters 14 and 15. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Follow friendly, cute Asian guy who was looking for cigarettes. Then walk to Mt.D. Starbucks Portola. #36 to Monterey. Yellow-vested guy smiles at me as I’m thinking of withdrawing my monthly contribution to Bernie for not standing behind Zephyr Teachout’s indictment of Biden as legally corrupt. #43 to W.F. and home. Find 3:30 p.m. blank message on getting home.

January 21 dream:  Prisoners take over the jail. Threaten to kill their keepers, but just humiliate them by cutting off their shirts at the shoulder.

January 21 dream:  Children’s parade entry called “ToDay” cancelled.

January 21 dream:  Woman follows for source of river in Virginia Beach, VA.

January 20, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Get haircut at Jun’s. Then Safeway. Then see Jesse at Railroad Expresso. Then W.F. Then home. Jerk off. Insight: I eat chocolate to spite my father?

January 20 dream:  Gay hustler and I talking. He wants me to help him publish some articles he has in mind. Older man sitting near us. I say, “What kind of articles?” Lots of cum splashing on local area.

January 20 dream:  Order pancakes and coffee. Leave resto. My friends have left town. I’m stranded in beautiful seaside heights area. Later Alan Alda asks my help. He says: “I heard your apt. burned down.” I said: “Not that I know of.”

January 19, 2020:  Bernie tabling at 18th & Castro from 12:30 to 3:00 p.m. with Ed and Mary. Very moved by young Trump supporter who was polite, cute, sincere and only somewhat interested in Bernie. After, walk with Mary to her place. Then back to Castro. #35 to G.P. Cute, sweet owner’s son at C.B. Then walk with “Bernie” to Safeway. Myka there. #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Excessive divergence of belief causes discordance that is insurmountable. My conclusion: There is no divergence of belief in Mind: Mind is the one Cause, the one Heart, insurmountably harmonious. OR: Mind is of one Mind.

January 19 dream:  Trying to get rid of guy who said he’d be, oh, so helpful.

January 19 dream:  At dance/exercise class with drill instructor with muddy hands, beautiful/well-dressed men and women. We did a lot of partner switching. Woman who changes partners with me smells arm of handsome guy before me.

January 19 dream:  Convention of clever people.

January 19 dream:  Me with a whole bunch of cords attached to my back.

January 18, 2020:  Bernie tabling with John F. at 18th & Castro. Then dinner with Ricardo, Ken, Antonio and Richard form 3:30 to 8:30 p.m. On walk to Castro Station afterwards with Antonio and Richard, sweet young guy unexpectedly smiles at me. Shits when I get home.

January 18 dream:  Visiting fancy resort in Seattle.

January 18 dream:  Moving talk about Jesus coming to local library.

January 17, 2020:  VA appointment at 1 p.m. with my friend Dr. Hewitson. Then Muni to G.P. Zeph at C.B. I offer Sudoku the seat across from me and he eventually accepts. #36 to Jun’s hair salon. He’s busy with two women so I agree to come back on Monday. Pakwan resto and home. Insight: Parents gas-lighted me. Now I’m gas-lighting myself.

January 17 dream:  Finish a job in Santa Cruz. More work available there if someone is interested and available.

January 17 dream:  Am at get-together at my parents’ new place. I start cleaning things up ’cause I don’t know what else to do. I think I’m finished. Someone says they’ll show me what needs to be done. I say: “It’s hard to figure out what’s an art project and what just needs cleaning up.”

January 16, 2020:  Go to VA for 10 a.m. appointment. It’s pouring rain when I go out the door. Two young guys rush ahead of me to back seat I was eyeing. Later I forgave them after seeing how cute one of them was. Really nice lady at VA changing the bandage on my back. Stop at La Promenade on Balboa. #31 and #29 home. Follow cute guy in W.F. Then go to W.F. cafe. Woman in line behind me and Sarah and I talk about Warren/Sanders spat. Woman says a girlfriend got a bloody nose over it. Work at home ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. and back home. Random thought on my walk: Perhaps even Bernie’s heart attack was related to Warren’s attack. That may be a stretch, but to me, worth considering. Things don’t happen by accident.

January 16 dream:  Someone in line I’m standing next to says: “I think they’ll take Hillary seriously.” I say: “Well, I think they took her pretty seriously last time since she won [the popular vote] by 3 million votes.” A younger, cuter, Elliott D. kisses me.

January 16 dream:  Tom O. gets in fight with my tall, gay, dandy friend from Farmers Insurance. At home, Tom takes a lot of shots. I try to take care of him.

January 15, 2020:  101 with John F. Two hours at Rincon Plaza. Then #49 to Bernie HQ. Run in to Mary there, just like I ran into her just as she was coming out of her house on Sunday, January 12. #49 home. W.F. cafe. Realized in p.m. what the cyst (knife) in my back is all about. I know this may seem far-fetched, but I think it relates to my identification with Bernie and his being stabbed in the back in last night’s debate by Elizabeth Warren. Now if only I could figure out about my back pain is all about. (*Woman in W.F. cafe on 1/16 told me about a girlfriend who got a nose bleed over it.)

January 15 dream:  Thane giving a talk about how this course hasn’t been taught in 10 years. And that some in the media don’t want us to do it. I marvel at how important he can make even little things seem.

January 15 dream:  Whole company moved to new neighborhood.

January 14, 2020:  Two calls from J. in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Then to Mt.D. Think of this 5th step conclusion: “Truth always wants to be fucked by Truth. Truth always wants to fuck Truth.” Then down to Monterey Blvd. #43 to W.F. My friend from hier not there. Watch debate in p.m. Then rest of Obama/Trump Frontline program.

January 14 dream:  Someone asks someone else about their book.

January 14 dream:  Get haircut by woman in library who I don’t like. I get up from my chair and leave.

January 13, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Then on to Mt.D. Hear and see 3 distant hawks on the way down. #43 to Bookstore stop. Then W.F. Run into same guy I saw on January 11. Stood in line behind him. Then berated myself later for not talking to him. Watch Frontline program about Obama/Trump in p.m.

January 13 dream:  Guy feeding us also had two big cans of gas on his cart. I thought it was to kill us with.

January 12, 2020:  Bernie tabling with Heidi at 18th & Castro. Arrive at Mary’s just as she is walking out the door. Patrick still stick. See woman with sash around her. I ask her what it says. It says: “Bride to Be.” After, go to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Then #36 to Safeway with “Bernie.” Talk briefly with Myka. Translation group in pm. Sense testimony: Powerful people abuse power and disrupt and corrupt democracy. My conclusion: The whole population rules the whole population through the indomitable utilization of omnipotent Truth, orderliness, honesty and honor.

January 12 dream:  Am about to have sex with woman in nice dress and bomber jacket. I turn up the thermostat. Someone says to her: “Don’t worry. It’ll heat up.” She says: “Oh, I think so.”

January 12 dream:  The Prosperos offices are being reconstructed. Lots of construction. Lots of new young people.

January 11, 2020:  Shits in a.m. Bernie tabling at 18th & Castro with John F., Heidi, Bradley, Kevin, Emma, Tyler, Simi, Pedro, Charlotte, Tanner and me (11 people). Scott Shafer from KQED-FM interviewed some of us. After, take #35 to G.P. Zeph and Suduko there. Then walk to Safeway. Feel very happy. #43 home. Then go to library and 7-11 to find CalPers letter I lost hier. Then to W.F. Cute guy smiles at me and vice versa on leaving. Blank phone message from 2:41 p.m. when I get home.

January 11 dream:  Someone throws acid at a cartoon character and now he no longer has a face.

January 11 dream:  Trying to find a place to sleep. Go into living room. Everyone else follows. I brush my teeth. Woman asks about cruelty to plants.

January 10, 2020:  In ’til 4:30ish. Had tough nite last nite since I couldn’t sleep comfortably due to my cyst removal operation hier. Got a lot of work done on BB, OSF, Zontaphotos. Then go out to run some errands. Stop by W.F. Rush towards good-looking cashier who ignored me. Later ran into other guy at W.F. cafe who also was unimpressed by me. I later figured out the 1st guy was a forewarning of the 2nd guy. (Lost letter from CalPers.)

January 10 dream:  Keeping track of Bernie. I leave my apt. in the middle of the night. My neighbor gets up, too. I joke: “Step away, Heathen.” She is my stepsister Nancy, I think.

January 10 dream:  Homeless guy pays $10 to stay over one night in our hotel.

January 10 dream:  Left Tom O’s. He was eating lots of large strawberries and tomatoes. Find laptop on the path I took. It had directions to pick a song and send him back a message. I was trying to figure out how to do that at a spot where things were artificially(?)  sent to us and in fact now surrounded us. Guy said: “We’re a lot more together now.”

January 9, 2020:  In ’til 12:45 p.m. #29 and #38 to VA. #38 was excruciatingly slow, as was the operation to remove the knife in my back, I mean, the cyst on my back. Was under the knife for more than an hour. Uncomfortable because I felt kind of “shitty” throughout. Female nurse touching me made me want to hit her. After operation, went to bathroom and ran into cute guy. We kind of fell into each other’s eyes. Stopped at La Promenade Cafe on Balboa. Sat across from cute guy. Sat across from cute/sweet guy on #29. Later cute guy in W.F. smiled at me after I cruised him.

January 9 dream:  Richard Hartnett runs from William Fennie. Both are dogs. Another dog helps Richard and Richard thinks the other dog is hot, but “not now.”

January 9 dream:  In NYC. Don’t like it. Can’t find the right clothes to wear or the right food to eat. Go to Grandma Smith’s house. Look thru old family drawings that we did. She’s there. I say: “Hi, Grandma Smith.” She says: “What are you doing here?” I say: “Looking thru old family drawings.” She says: “So?”

January 9 dream:  Trip to London. Cross the Thames, I think.

January 8, 2020:  Shits in a.m. 101 with John F. from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. Pretty good day. Send text to John H. saying: “FYI: The League of PO’d Voters did NOT endorse Bernie.” (*Relates to shits in a.m.?)  Then head to Bernie HQ. Pick up paltry supplies after Holly ignores me for about 10 minutes. Left my clipboard behind. Go to Muddy Waters with “Bernie.”’ Then #49 home. Pain class in p.m. Last class of the series. Talked to Lauren from Toronto in break-out group.

January 8 dream:  Record of debt paid in full to bully who I used to have a relationship with. I made a special drawer for it. Woman said she wanted to be kept informed if there were any changes.

January 8 dream:  Get several gifts in the mail from family and friends.

January 7, 2020:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Stay there a while. Then on the Redstone Building at 16th & Mission. SF Berniecrats meeting at 7 p.m. Mary, Patrick, Ben, Brandon, Heidi, etc. Good meeting. Get #49 home right away. Sit next to cute guy even though there were many other seats available. He smiled at me as he got off at 30th & Mission.

January 7 dream:  In the Navy. Our two ships in port, side by side, flipped completely over. We were expected to get on board anyhow. So I jumped into this scooping thing and was about to join the others when it felt like I should wait for some sort of instructions.

January 7 dream:  Big hard-on dream.

January 7 dream:  Guy asks us on camera what we like about the news. I say: “Hope.” Earlier Phoebe (from Friends) in graduation gown. I tell her “Congratulations.”

January 6, 2020:  Dentist appointment at 1 p.m. Meet Danny, my dental assistant. I told him I liked his pink gloves. He said “Too bad they don’t have taste.” After he finished he said, “They’re all there.” I said: “Oh, you mean your fingers.” Walk to Castro. Then walk all the way up Market St. to Diamond Hts. and G.C.P. and G.P. Zeph and Brandon at C.B. At one point Brandon and Zeph are talking. I am very envious, though I don’t know of whom. #36 to Safeway. #43 home. Cute Asian guy I followed to the back of the bus. He sat across the aisle from very cute young white guy. I enjoyed the energy between them. Sent Claire Lau YouTube about “Male Privilege.” Possible snow in S.F. on TV news. Anonymous call in p.m.

January 6 dream:  Meeting of traditional religious groups on campus to discuss and send out mailer. (h.o.)

January 6 dream:  Meeting of alternative religious group. I thought it was just Christian Scientists but apparently was broadened. Pres. Trump on crutches visits. I talk to him. Tell him I had a dream about him and he was on crutches. Fetch two boxes of envelopes for him. He seemed interested in what we were doing.

January 6 dream:  Buy some pot at local shop which I later smoke. Me and Hanz walking to my place in S.F. I say: “Shit!” ’cause I see other old apt. bldg. on fire. We sit and watch fire. Kamala Harris stops by. My young nephew Jordan is with us. I can’t remember his name. I say to Kamala: “This is my brother’s son.” Jordan says: “I have another half.”

January 6 dream:  Comparing rooms with my neighbor Stephen Colbert. We both have a piano (he has four), etc. He also has 3 or 4 roommates. I have 2 or 3.

January 5, 2020:  Bernie tabling with Patrick and Rick at 18th & Castro. Next to Warren table and Mayor Pete table. We actually started talking with each other this time. Met fun Latino named Dennis. I told him all about FDR whom he had never heard of. Then try to get #35 but it wouldn’t be coming for 35 minutes so I took K home. Run into Dakota. Then home. Then run into Jared at library. Then Jesse at W.F. cafe.

January 5 dream:  Am about to present a class or workshop. Am not very prepared. Don’t have time to go over my notes ’cause I have to shower, etc. People get in line in front of me for the bathroom.

January 5 dream:  Get six or so packages in one day. Including $1.33 (or so) inheritance from 1953.

January 5 dream:  Several boys examine my eyes with Rube Goldberg-type gadget. I get up and say: “What did you see?” They go on to someone else.

January 5 dream:  Guy with knife is in our building. I call the cops. They say, “Is this . . . ?” I say: “No, it is Impossible, the place where cops rape the raped.” Black family in same room.

January 5 dream:  Move to new apt. at 1063 . . . . Mailbox leads to area with lots of free donuts.

January 5 dream:  Go to resort for a week. Didn’t really want to go at first, but now I don’t want to leave. Superman shows up. It’s raining when we have to leave. (h.o.)

January 4, 2020:  Bernie tabling with John F., Heidi, Ian and guy whose name I forgot. Guy comes up to us and says: “Don’t break it.” Also Jim B. and John H’s former boss. Then #35 to G.P. Two cute guys on board. Couldn’t decide which one I wanted. Uh, both. Zeph at C.B. #36 to Safeway. Black woman at Safeway says I’m better looking than Bernie (who I had on my T-shirt). #43 home. Hear “snowbound” on the movie Namesake.

January 4 dream:  Am part of new distribution center in center of the country.

January 4 dream:  Roseanne Barr and her male counterpart in yelling conversation that turns to laughing. He called someone a big fat fuck.

January 3, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. #43 to Arizmendi. Walk to Peet’s Cole Valley. Daniel there. #43 home. Cute/happy guy gets off at 4th Avenue. I hope he’s happy because of my attention. Sarah, Jesse, Charlie, cute gay guy, cute woman in bakery at W.F. Apt. feels very hot when I get home.

January 3 dream:  New big black guy is given two minutes in a therapy session. He takes longer. Someone criticizes him after. I stand up for him.

January 3 dream:  Racing along freeway. Corner where people try to make a game of dashing over to avoid cars. Then notice guy hanging on to my car and another car as he skates. Then arrive at destination. Look for address. Other guy tries to take something from my trunk. Guy on the freeway catches up and nails other guy.

January 3 dream:  School assignment. At first, I was not allowed to take text. Then teacher realized I had taken it before and allowed me to try to improve my score. Had to find 4 different foods which corresponds to 4 different food groups. I couldn’t figure it out.

January 3 dream:  Laurie going to be in a play this weekend.

January 2, 2020:  Get up early. Worked on BB and emails. Jerked off. 101 with John F. Call from guy who kept calling me “John” as he talked about my timeshares. Shirtless runner smiles at me. Also older black guy cruises me. 1-1/2 hour at Rincon. #14 to Bernie HQ. Translated: “I expect lack of cooperation.” My conclusion: “Truth expects Truth.” Then get phone call from Bernie campaign. Find out it was Holly from Bernie HQ who said she’d come right down and meet me. Also Translated: “I am at odds with my body.” My conclusion: “My body is of one mind.” #49 home. Cruised young guy at W.F. cafe and vice versa. Feeling “shitty” all day.

January 2 dream:  Some guy gives me custody of his boyfriend Mark in his absence. Then run into her with a painting. I ask her if she did it herself. She says she acquired it. Then run into young guy who looked a little lost.

January 2 dream:  Something coming up.

January 1, 2020:  Dinner with John F. and Rick at Tommy’s Joint. (Hear on news in p.m. that there were 12 births at Sutter Van Ness hospital, right next door, that day.) Then come home. Sarah and jesse at W.F. cafe. Shits on getting home. Worked on monthly BB update. See Mysterious Skin in p.m. (*Relates to first dream of 12/30?)

January 1 dream:  By enjoying sex with my father, I was betraying God? Garden of Eden: God throwing me out ’cause I enjoy sex?

December 31, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See Jun on Monterey Blvd. He beckons me into his salon. I want to hug him but see he doesn’t went that. (*Relates to hawk/crow from hier, I think.) Continue to G.P. Angelique at C.B. Her last day, she said. Also my old man friend. Let’s call him Sudoku since that’s what he does. Say goodbye to Angelique. Think I forgot my earphone plugs so I go back. Then find them in my pocket. Leave again. Run into beautiful blonde woman who smiles at me. I stick around until I am no longer afraid of her. Then on to G.C.P. Coyote there. Also hear hawk but don’t see him/her. Stop at Mollie Stones. Flirt with bagger. Mt.D. Stop by Beep’s. Houri wouldn’t even look at me, but ambulance siren just before I got my order.

December 31 dream:  Cenk and Jesus and others to play game over the weekend. I may have been invited as well. (h.o.)

December 31 dream:  Reviewing old movie of two people who get new apts. My apt. starts shaking and we evacuate, along with everybody else. The apt. building is a lone building under the freeway. Everybody is naked on leaving. Cute guy comes towards me at the end.

December 31 dream:  Guy singing takes off his jacket and he has no clothes on. He’s handsome but his cocks (or something) are hanging from his tits. New naked woman thinks he’s just singing naked for the attention.

December 30, 2019:  Work on MSM Chapter 13. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Hawk/crow on way. Car burglary scene at Portola parking lot. Then Mt.D. Then Safeway. Older guy smiling weirdly at me as I leave. Go to Beep’s. No Houri. Have to wait in line. Translate. Then I get my order right away, much to the chagrin of some who had ordered before me. Shits in p.m.

December 30 dream:  Guy pissing keeps other person trapped. In final scene, he pisses thru muddy water and the stream surfaces. Also Addendum II applications.

December 30 dream:  Driving backwards with guy in convertible cart, talking about other guy I just met. My friend says he demanded a certain kind of respect.

December 30 dream:  Picking up trash in three empty lots with freshly grown grass. Then went thru gate in muddy water with others. When I saw we were headed to a religious ritual, I bowed out, though my friend wanted me to stay.

December 29, 2019:  Still thinking about Hugh Dancy in his underwear from Hannibal last night. It felt more like I wanted to protect him than fuck him. In ’til 3ish. Rainy day. Walk to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Chubby guy at Starbucks Portola. Then Oakland Raiders fan on #36. Then Safeway. Then #43 home. Then fire sirens. Then see Houri again at Beep’s. He’s happy to see me. I’m happy to see him. He sold his $150 49ers tickets for $3,000 a piece. He told me his business plans briefly. I wished him luck. (BTW, a houri is a “a beautiful young woman, especially one of the virgin companions of the faithful in the Muslim Paradise.”) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Beliefs keep out-picturing in our lives until we no longer believe them. My conclusion: I believe that I am Reality, that I am whole, complete, perfect Mind knowing Itself as Mind, believing all things, permitting all things, loving all things, seeing through all things as the appearance, apparency of my/our own Being. From Hannibal tonight: “Certain traumas can arrest vocal development.” My upstairs neighbor returns home with a bang. (*See dream of December 28.)

December 29 dream:  Taking a photo of Kamala Harris’s campaign site, like an abandoned rose queen.

December 28, 2019:  Bernie tabling with Heidi, John F., Eric and me at 18th & Castro. (Accidentally walk in on woman in bed at Mary’s place, while picking up the literature.) Guy dancing at the corner. Some very beautiful men. One beautiful Asian man with dreads wrapped on top of his head. Walk table & literature back to Mary’s. Then “Bernie” and I walk back to the Castro. #35 to G.P. Zeph and Brandon at C.B. Then walk to Safeway. Then #43 home.

December 28 dream:  Trapped in old prison house. We were told if we broke the window that we could escape. We broke the window. Earlier we broke something else. I said: “We aren’t ever going to get out of here, are we?” The warden said, “No.”

December 27, 2019:  Anonymous 6:30 a.m. call! In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Older and younger man pass me on my way up. I see them again on top. Then Starbucks Portola. Big guy in shorts smiles at me. #43 home. Houri at Beep’s Burgers. I asked his name, I tell him, ’cause he didn’t have his name tag on.

December 27 dream:  Big happy family reunion. Meet at garden in resto. Then at Nancy’s house. Her husband wants to take us flying or motorcycling. Tonight we go to see a movie. The cycling and airplane may kill us, I joke.

December 27 dream:  Have to wait in line to take a shit.

December 27 dream:  Helping with a group resume. Trying to get thru small space in building to deliver papers. Only I forgot the papers. Person with a lot of dogs.

December 26, 2019:  101 with John F. from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. Very cold. Lots of pigeon feeding. Lilly Beth gave me some flowers. Laugh openly at guy who tells me he’s Michael Bloomberg supporter. Also guy from Russia who takes selfie with me and “Bernie.” Bernie fan at Super Duper who told me he contributed $2800 to Bernie. Then two hours at Rincon, including half hour conversation with Yang supporter. Then F to Castro. On #35 to G.P. I slip and fellow passenger holds on to “Bernie.” I thank him. He says: “He’s our guy.” Other passenger agrees. I say: “Yeah, he is.” Mae, Khahn and other cute Asian guy at C.B. BART and #8 home. Jesse at W.F. Feel like I’ve lost a big chunk of my ego. See wonderful 3 hour National Geographic documentary about The Greeks in p.m.

December 26 dream:  Am not being listened to at trustee’s meeting. I sit in other room with some others and ponder my next move.

December 26 dream:  I am a giant in the land of Tinker toy trucks and motels.

December 25, 2019:  Finish MSM Chapter 12. In ’til 2ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Follow cute Asian guy on Ocean. Turn around and admire him. Starbucks Portola. Walk to Mt.D. Guy walking with large group smiles knowingly at me as I walk up path to Mt.D. Young guy on Ridgewood cruises me and vice versa.

December 25 dream:  Big financial grant to our school. My heart skipped several beats.

December 25 dream:  Getting ready to move out of apt.  Step on big but hollow cockroach.

December 25 dream:  I’m late for work at my first day as an Oakland policeman. Stop at Tenderloin resto which takes up the whole block. Meet waitress there who likes me. Then another. Should I tell her I’m gay?

December 24, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. #23 to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Coyote Lady and three coyotes. Dog goes after one of the coyotes. They spar a bit. Coyote Lady goes crazy. Mollie Stones. Barista at Starbucks Portola is the one who came onto me on September 25. Mt.D. New vegetable guy at W.F. There’s chocolate chunks in the vegetable section. I say to him: “Is chocolate a vegetable now?” He says: “At Christmas it is.” Buy some chocolate and speak with him again on the way out. Write “The Grinch Who Stole The Prosperos” in p.m.

December 24 dream:  Calvin had been doing a lot of research on the Army. I asked him about the Army/McCarthy hearings. (h.o.)

December 23, 2019:  Bad night last nite following 1 a.m. “earthquake” from upstairs apt. Then in ’til noonish. Take #29 and #38 to VA. Have psychic battle with male receptionist at Module 3 on my way in and things loosen up on my way out. Stop at Le Promenade Cafe on Balboa. Send text to caller from earlier in the day: “Missed ur call.” Fire sirens  follow. #31 to Parker. Follow cute guy with cute dog into G.G. Park. I begin conversation. I say: “All the new grass makes everything beautiful.” He says: “Yeah, everything’s fine now.” Photo on Haight Street store: “You know exactly what you have to do.” Take #37 to Castro. Then #24. Follow hustler-type guy off. Then pass him by. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. Too crowded. Run to catch #23. I follow beautiful h.s. student off at Foerster. See Jesse briefly at Railroad Expresso. Then #43 home. Guy looking for salad dress at W.F.

December 23 dream:  Wake up having sex with myself or anyone in general. I knew I was okay.

December 23 dream:  My boss at work, a trendy magazine, asks me what I think of myself sexually. I say: “Sometimes I think of myself as Gay, sometimes as bi. Usually I  think of myself as just there.”

December 22, 2019:  Bernie tabling from 12:30 to 2:30 p.m. I got there early and Mary got there late. It was just the two of us. Slow day but we had the primo corner spot at the corner of 18th & Castro. J’s former boss passes by. Also cute Asian guy comes rushing towards me. Dangerous homeless guy yelling and throwing things at 19th & Castro. #35 to G.P. Angelique at C.B. Also Walter. #36 to Safeway. See Myka for the first time in several weeks. What I thought was an earthquake at 1 a.m.-ish was my upstairs neighbor having a party. Hope this means they will be going away soon. It has happened that way in the past.

December 22 dream:  Guy says in my dream: “I’d like to tame you.”

December 22 dream:  My father being forgetful.

December 22 dream:  Guy jokingly threatens me at big parade I’m in. Lots of people attending.

December 21, 2019:  Bernie tabling with John F., Mary, me, Cat, Richard and Heidi at 18th & Castro. Black guy comes on to me. Take #35 to G.P. On way to C.B., cute Asian guy on Chenery says he likes my T-shirt. I wonder why he says nothing about my Bernie button and the Bernie cut-out I am holding. Then realize he may be coming on to me. Just then (Thanks, Universe! I’m saying sarcastically) an old friend from Occupy (Ben) appears out of nowhere and we catch up. Zeph and Khanh and Mae at C.B. Khanh is moving to Manhattan. I told him I tried three different times to move there but it never worked out. Khanh said he was glad I ended up here. Jesse at W.F. cafe. Lost Bernie volunteer list in p.m. Felt bad about it. Translated it.

December 21 dream:  Coming into a train station, we were forced to get out and get on again with the new passengers.

December 20, 2019:  In ’til noonish. #29 and #38 to VA. Got run-around ’til 3:45 p.m. When I reach Balboa, the VA calls me and asks if I’m still in the VA. I’m not. Guy at 25th & Balboa with “Dragon” T-shirt. Take #29 home. Rowdy bunch of h.s. girls. Then even-rowdier bunch of black kids. I pledged that no matter what they did, I would not budge from my seat. Felt better having done that. Jesse at W.F.

December 20 dream:  At very ritzy hotel bar. Very heterosexual.

December 19, 2019:  Feeling sick. But not as sick as I thought. In ’til 3ish. Walk up to Mt.D. Guy stops me on way. Says he thought my TYT T-shirt said TNT! Later elderly Asian woman runs up to me and says, “Happy Birthday.” (*Relates to breakthrough of some sort.) Go to Starbucks. Then #43 home. Jesse at W.F. cafe.

December 19 dream:  Help introduce Buttigieg to crowd in Vegas: “Ladies and gentlemen, here’s Elvis.”

December 19 dream:  Offering to help out loved guy with his election campaign.

December 19 dream:  Moving into Vantaggio Suites. Open up my room to friend who brings his entire family.

December 18, 2019:  Rain cancelled 101. In ’til 1ish. Guy on K who stayed on for only two stops. Rincon ’til 3:30. Choke on something and nearly die. Cute black guy on BART on way home. Feeling like I wanted to fight cyclist who brushed past me. Pain class in p.m. In sharing afterwards, realize I use the name Mike instead of Michael because I want to get used to being loved, even though I think I don’t deserve it.

December 17, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique there for 3rd day. She asks me if I have Xmas plans. I say: “To get through it.” There is note on only empty table. It says: “Read me. 12/17/19.” So I read it. It’s a love poem to an unnamed woman. I showed it to Angelique. I say: “I think this was meant for you.” When I left she had finally read it. And seemed convinced it really was meant for her. Brandon there also. Walk thru G.C.P. See distant coyote. Shits at Mollie Stones. Hear owl on Mt.D. Home.

December 17 dream:  Two burners on the stove heat up too hot and break. Susan Sarandon gets home and sees it eventually. Tom O. used to prepare onion rolls for Jo and Larry on that stove.

December 17 dream:  About to play the part of a boy in a short skit. I’ve forgotten my lines and me and Nancy Lee are going thru all my papers to look for it. It’s on an 8-1/2 x 8-1/2 page.

December 16, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. As I say good-bye, some hot guy is chatting her up. See my old man friend on way out. Walk thru G.C.P. No coyotes, but see Janet, the Coyote Lady. She says: “They’re getting ready to leave.” I say: “Are they going down the peninsula?” She says: “The kids will be going in about a month. The adults will stay. They own this area.”

December 16 dream:  Guy was watching porn in his office at work. Now he’s dead. His lover wants me to cry with him and feel his tits.

December 16 dream:  Heather and her partner and I are all copying from the same written page. I’m slower than they are so Heather goes to next page. We get in a little skirmish.

December 16 dream:  Michael Brooks has a hangover and wants me to hang out with him. I want to catch bus, which I do. It’s a Muni bus but no seats inside and very dumpy.

December 16 dream:  4th Way teacher talks with me. He’s very friendly with me. And I with him. He shows me his fat stomach, which I don’t want. Says he’ll see me later in December.

December 15, 2019:  9 a.m. H.W. meeting online. Brought up Article IV, Section 6 of Prosperos By-Laws. Bernie tabling with John F. and Mary at 18th & Castro. Patrick, the Biden supporter, there. Then walk to Mary’s house and back with John F. Meet (other) John with his dog Pono on Castro. #35 to G.P. Angelique there. #23 and #43 home. Jesse with his boyfriend at W.F. cafe. Call from “Private Number” in p.m. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People who espouse spiritual knowledge are especially responsible to embody those values. My conclusion: People is the embodiment of one true identity, the reward of one true identity, the joy of one true identity.

December 15 dream:  Looking at several apartments/houses, last one with screaming, crazy tenant. They say: “We didn’t want you anyway.”

December 14, 2019:  Go to 18th & Castro for Bernie tabling. Nervous Mayor Pete’s people will be there. Nervous Jason will be there. Nervous John H. will be there. Nervous John H. won’t be there. Get to 18th & Castro just as bake sale is leaving. Perfect timing. Mayor Pete doesn’t show up. Neither does John H. But Jason does, as well as John F., Mary and Drew, a Harvard graduate in religion who will be going back to Minnesota next week. Walked with him and Mary to take lit back to Mary’s house. Then I took #35 to G.P. Zeph, Khanh and Christian at C.B. Also Brandon. Felt very happy on way home. #36 to Safeway, #43 home. Several emails about ’98 Deanship crisis. Fire alarm in p.m. (*Relates to Sue B’s email about ’98 Deanship crisis hitting home with some current “power” brokers, I think.)

December 14 dream:  Running through some terrifying blocks of S.F. There are gangs. Wonder why there are no police. Climb up tree back of house. Looks like I make it. Others following. Person in house bemused by all the activity.

December 14 dream:  I’m working on a video or a magazine about boxing, even though I never used to like it. Go to talk by male boxer about him. They have a better sort of rat now in their new location.

December 13, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Rainy-ish day. Walk to G.P. Zeph and new baristo Khanh there. I tell Khanh his name has a lot of “h’s.” Walk home via O’Shaughnessy. Young loud hawk on the way. Mt.D. Pakwan and home. Everything seems to be coming to a head: my Bernie activity, my Prosperos activity and my relationship with J.

December 13 dream:  As soon as anyone shot anything square shaped, all guns must be taken away.

December 12, 2019:  Wake up furious about setting up Bernie tabling this weekend. Jason reprimands me via email about something. I reply: “Yes, Daddy!” He stopped bothering me for several hours. In ’til 3ish. #43 to Arizmendi. N to Peet’s Cole Valley. Saw God in homeless man in wheelchair on N. Royale at Peet’s. Then other cute baristo I talked with on my way out. (*Relates to butterflies in my stomach just prior.) Take #37 to Castro. Then #35 to G.P. Then BART to Balboa Station. W.F. Home. Shits in p.m.

December 12 dream:  Woman’s voice in my head: “This…” Woke me up.

December 12 dream:  John H., working or posing as a cleaner at a wealthy home, offers sex for money there.

December 12 dream:  Girl and I were trying to find El Amarcine Road where they were filming a movie. According to Ben G., we missed it.

December 11, 2019:  Went to 101 with John F. Got rained out. John and I went to Rincon. I stayed on for two hours. Then visited Bernie HQ hoping for more stickers for the weekend. Not much luck. #49 home. Online pain class from 5 to 7 p.m. Learned how to think of our pain as our protector. Later, some email responses about my “Questioning the absolute power of the Executive Council” email.

December 11 dream:  At club I happened to be at, John H. is the entertainment, doing a sexy strip-tease sort of dance to music. Later at other place I am told he performs there as well.

December 10, 2019:  Get up early to send email to H.W. (“Questioning the absolute power of the Executive Council”) Several anonymous calls in a.m. Shits just as I’m about to leave at 3ish. Walk to G.P. Christina at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. See one coyote and Coyote Lady. Then two more coyotes on way out. Cute biracial student with afro near Mollie Stones. Tom cat on Chaves. Hear fight or something on Mt.D. Don’t see anything. W.F. Home.

December 10 dream:  Have landed on other planet. Don’t know if predecessor guy arrived one year, 5 years or a generation before us. Also why did we land on this particular part of the planet. There must have been a reason.

December 10 dream:  Am taking a shower naked at Santa Monica beach. I see the #2 bus take off with my keys and my clothes. Rush to downtown L.A. to follow it. Some guy gives me a pair of pants and an Army jacket which just suddenly appeared on the street. Pass thru very smoggy area. Then beautiful old building being renovated.

December 10 dream:  Trying to get some tall guy from Australia into the right line to see a live KQED presentation.

December 9, 2019:  In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Follow guy into C.B. Angelique there. I asked her about her interview. She said it went well. Sit next to Brandon. I say: “Are you going to leave your girlfriend behind [when you go to Oxford]?” He says: “Yes. For a while.” Translate “comfort” before I leave. Feel better. Walk thru G.C.P. Guy says there are 3 coyotes. I only see one, who is very close. She seems more interested in dog behind me. Stop by Mollie Stones. Friendly cat on Chaves rushes towards me. Then Mt.D. Then home. Decided to bring up Article IV, Section 6 at H.W. meeting this Sunday. (*May relate to coyote today?)

December 8, 2019:  Trustee meeting in a.m. William F. is all atwitter about Article IV, Section 6 of The Prosperos By-Laws which says the E.C. can veto any action of the Trustees or the H.W. He gets very offended and offensive. But glad I brought it up. Then rush to Market & 16th to pass out Bernie literature with Jason at Santa Skivvies Run. Then to 18th & Castro kitty-corner from Mayor Pete’s table. Woman’s T-shirt says: “Not Today.” Run to catch #35 to G.P. Angelique at C.B. I tell her I’ve been campaigning with “Bernie” in the Castro. She says she doesn’t keep up with local politics. I say Bernie’s not local. She says: “That’s what I mean.” #36 to Edna. Jun back from China. Walk home. Jesse at W.F. cafe. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: More complex data management systems may entangle individuality and violate privacy. My conclusion: Truth is the only complex data management system in the Universe; It apprehends all because it is the one inviolate private Individual.

December 8 dream:  Man and woman making out.  Later they tell me they were auditioning for my play. My roommate put up a new picture which I really liked.

December 7, 2019:  Mary and I decide to cancel Bernie events today and tomorrow due to rain. In ’til 2ish. Walk toward G.P. Too rainy and windy to go on. Go to W.F. cafe. Then library. Can’t even walk home from library. The water is so thick on the sidewalks. I take another way. Then double back. Worked on MSM Chapter 10. Then walk to Safeway earlier than usual. Myka not there. Waiting for #43, fantasize about woman next to me having her way with me. Stop by Philz on way home. Cute baristo there. Then home.

December 7 dream:  At grocery store window(?), everyone is critical of my coffee(?) but congratulatory of their own. (h.o.)

December 7 dream:  Office tells me i’m getting a new roommate. i get mad at blond guy in office (not him personally). I read him the convoluted letter they sent me. I say: “Why couldn’t they just tell me that I’m getting a new roommate?” Then find out it’s going to be him. I like him. Hope I haven’ t screwed things up.

December 6, 2019:  Hard nite last nite. Bernie tabling from 10 a.m. to noon with Patrick at CCSF. Dakota stops by. W.F. cafe. Home. Take nap. Rainy day, sort of. Go to Fog Lifter cafe. Could not get WiFi. Then had pork buns at Chinese place. Could get WiFi there. Finally decide to walk up to Mt.D. and back. Talk to Mary Leatherman about Bernie tabling tomorrow, weather permitting. Which it doesn’t look like it will.

December 6 dream:  Thane mentions the book The Well of Loneliness.

December 6 dream:  Inside very ornate building . Get stuck when I climb up to ledge. Can’t get down. Then I do. I am with masculine woman I like.

December 6 dream:  Take super train out of town at lunch. Land at place called Happy _____. It is where all the criminals are buried(?) Try to catch train back. Someone calls me by my name. Only other train is going in the same direction. Young blonde school girl likes young blond school boy.

December 5, 2019:  Dictate Chapters 10 and 11 of MSM. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Get into RHS of my father. Give him credit for his comment: “Sometimes I wish you’d just hit me.” He was right to point out that I never even got angry with him to his face. Later I wondered if my brother Tom had the same reaction to him as I did. (*Relates to Mack Truck dream of December 3?) Mutation: Saw “Joey” written on the sidewalk. Joey was the name my brother and I called each other when we talked at night about what we’d do when we grew up. See “Perfect” on way to Peet’s W.P. Young boy there looks at me with interest. “Perfect” relates to cute baristo at Peet’s W.P. who left at same time as I did. I follow him to submarine sandwich shop and break my vegetarian rule to eat near him. Saw “Perfect” again which relates to young boy with glasses on the K home. Friendly black guy smiles at me at W.F. Then Jesse at W.F. cafe. Saw Bohemian Rhapsody movie in p.m. Cried my eyes out.

December 5 dream:  Bar-B-Q. I dropped last piece of my burger. Dog ate it. Then wanted everything else.

December 5 dream:  Sitting around table kidding each other about the last time we all got together.

December 5 dream:  At English beach town. See beautiful blue-eyed guy with girl. See him again and then I go after him.

December 4, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Older guy on Mt.D. kind of smirks at me. Go to Mollie Stones. Then walk down to W.P. #43 stops by unexpectedly. Take it home. W.F. Severe but attractive woman from #43 at W.F. cafe also. Shift pain seminar in p.m. They asked us to remember the last time our pain came on. For me, it was connected to yoga class with Lucia. I was very happy with my yoga class. Felt I was doing well. Was getting out of myself. Then pain came along. Then remembered my kiss with Cree in 1969 when I was on LSD. Very happy, followed by wave of fear. Also, I brought up question of children who had to be parents of their parents. Which I think I was. “Shaman” from class of November 6 joined our group again and totally ended our group discussion. Later in p.m. Enrique from SF Berniecrats joined conference call. (*Relates to 3rd dream of December 3, I think.)

December 4 dream:  Fake girl gets raped. (h.o.)

December 4 dream:  Giving away free slippers.

December 3, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Skunk at Coventry alley. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Then walk down to W.P. Buy X’mas cards and calendars for next year. Then go to Peet’s W.P. Get call for John Pinkerton. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Meet same guy I sat next to on November 18, the day the power went out in the tunnel. Bay Area Bernie call in p.m. Nice email from Sue Beck re MSM, Chapter 9 on The Prosperos. Was moved by Ben from SF Berniecrats email noting that I would not be at meeting on Wednesday, so would I like to endorse via email, which I did.

December 3 dream:  Get in my VW bug. Hear someone breathing. Call out. Can hardly speak. Then I can.

December 3 dream:  Driving a Mack Truck thru town. Have to use emergency brakes to make sure we stop at stop sign. Small boys running around in the streets. We are driving towards Livermore. Tom O. is my co-pilot. I wonder what we will do when we get there. He says: “Don’t worry. I’ll help you.” He says I’m a good basketball player. Earlier Whoopi Goldberg being abused.

December 3 dream:  Melissa yelling about something while something dramatic is going on which I am trying to pay attention to.

December 2, 2019:  Anonymous call about 8:20 a.m. Later get call from 2175 Market for 1 bedroom, 1 den BMR apt. for $1380/mo. Minimum monthly income required is $2800/mo. So I’m not eligible but it sounded nice and it feels like I’m getting closer and closer (including Sonoma) to the right place for my next adventure. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Woman at CCSF falls to the ground. Me and two others help her to her car. Guy on Joost walking his dog. I notice his nice ass. He turns to the side and spits. Later we exchange glances. He’s standing by his heterosexuality. Brandon and Angelique at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Very pregnant woman on cell phone at apex of park. Then young hawk. Then Mt.D. Am forced to be like a bear in the woods. Get call from “Private Number” around 7 p.m.

December 2 dream:  Take several one-time courses on, like, individuality. Then a multi-subject one on the “we group.” Even though I’m taking another course at the time.

December 2 dream:  Starting new job at school. Have to put numbered bits of paper into proper slots. Kids are very nice. One boy asked me excitedly: “Is this the day we dissect a dog?”

December 2 dream:  Something about Michaelmas.

December 2 dream:  Finishing up 3 or 4 invitational letters. One was done in a comedic way. Was on beautiful campus. V.P. Biden in building I went to. Guy practicing his role on Lincoln’s deathbed. I thought: You know, you aren’t going to be here forever.

December 1, 2019:  Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Rain increasing. I arrive at Starbucks Portola. Get in line. See “Perfect.” Think: What could I possibly do here that would merit a “Perfect.” Then saw Taylor (the “Otter Woman”) from November 16 and before. Sat down at big table across from him. We talked briefly on and off. Finally I asked him if he lives around here. He says: “Yes. We’ve lived here for about 20 years.” I said: “You don’t look like you’ve lived 20 years anywhere.” He seemed happy. I said good-bye. Caught #36 and #43 buses right away. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Homelessness may be the outcome of growing up in an unwelcoming home. My conclusion: Truth is habit-forming, all-inhabiting, cohabiting, infinite Habitation/Habituation, always welcome and welcoming, the only environment, the only familiar, the only outcome, the only family.

December 1 dream:  In a dream talking about the last time I was here and the little boy asked me for pancakes. I went and looked and there weren’t any. This time I invite the little boy to come with me and all sorts of other people come too. I started to explain all this to everyone with me.

November 30, 2019:  In ’til 2:45ish. Rainy. Cold. Walk to Safeway. Myka not there. #43 home right away. Put groceries away and go to W.F. cafe. My friends Sarah and Jesse there. I’m wearing my Spike’s T-shirt. When Jesse asks me where Spike’s is, I forget my pin no. and have to start over.

November 30 dream:  Starting new job as secretary for $14/hr. Lots of black plastic forks. Then I’m working for old lady who belittles me. I try to make dinner but there’s nothing to work with. (*Relates to meeting Taylor on December 1?)

November 30 dream:  Big white eagle.

November 30 dream:  Dog convinced I am carrying drugs.

November 30 dream:  Was in line to go to movie. There was a line for the front door and a line for the back door. I chose the back door line. I was supposed to meet two friends, but they weren’t there yet. Put a hammer under my coat just in case I ran into trouble. It was supposed to be a tuff crowd.

November 29, 2019:  Call around 8:30 a.m. (*Relates to G.C.P. hawk from November 27?) I jump out of bed to answer it. Caller doesn’t speak. Insight: Me not wanting to give in to my sexuality for fear of losing my memory of coming from God? 101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Two hours at Rincon. Very noisy dinner party there. Take F to Castro. Couple of guys get very excited about “Bernie.” They take pictures and say they’re going to “photo bomb” them. Waited at 19th & Castro for #35. My heart constricts. Guy with two dogs asked me to take picture of them with “Bernie.” One dog wouldn’t pay attention to me. He was looking at something/someone on 19th Street. #35 to G.P. Wait for #23. Cute skateboarder smiles at me. Then I join him in the back seat of the bus. I walk home from Monterey & Guerrero. Watched document about scientology in the p.m.

November 28, 2019:  #49 to Tommy’s Joint. Met John F., Rick and Ken for Thanksgiving. Really liked both Rick and Ken. We talked mostly about the “Academy” where John and Rick live now and where Ken used to live. #49 home. Loud black guy says of me: “Anybody who wears boots like that is military. He’s got a .45 in his hip pocket. He ain’t playing. Pop. Pop. Pop.” Cute Latino guy looks at me. I say with my eyes; “He’s lying. I’m not dangerous. AND: I love you. So maybe I am dangerous.” Walk to W.P. looking for Chron. Walk up to Starbucks Portola. Barista there recognizes me from September 25. Gives me a “Bernie discount.” Lost my pen. WiFi not working and rude guy across from me keeps staring me while talking on his phone. As I leave, I catch the eye of cute student sitting across from me. Mt.D. Home.

November 28 dream:  I notice person in window and stand in corner to avoid him.

November 28 dream:  Girl chorus in hall singing about sin or even the hint of sin. I try to rush through them.

November 28 dream:  A female Catholic father.

November 28 dream:  Phone rings in dream. I can barely say: “I’m having ____ trouble signing up for social ___. So think about that.” I know caller is furious with me.

November 27, 2019:  In ’til 2:30ish. Walk from library up Plymouth Street. Woman in electric wheelchair talking French to me and riding back and forth thru a puddle on the sidewalk. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. says he’s going to view Terminator I, too. (That’s the one with my brother Tom in it.) Walk to G.C.P. Coyote Lady there plus two young coyote brothers who like each other, she says. Other woman joined us and told us she heard hawk dive and catch snake at nearby Walter Haas Park. Later hawk flies to perch in nearby tree at G.C.P. Go up to Mollie Stones. Ryan is my checkout boy. Very cute. Walk to Mt.D. Think about what Lucia said about the hamstring muscles being the probable cause of lower back pain. And why would I have hamstring pain? See diary of August 7. Walk home. Turn on radio, which I rarely do. Mandy Patinkin saying, “When someone knocks, open your door.”

November 27 dream:  Sneaking out of restricted area of highway or bridge with guy who likes me. Looking at different versions of the planet Pluto in my astrological chart.

November 26, 2019:  In ’til 1:30ish. Rainy day. #43 and #29 to Purusha Yoga, first time in almost a year. Great seeing everybody again. Lucia there. At one point I had an overwhelming desire to share something with her: that the pain in my left leg was less than in my right. She was busy with others. I had to practically wrestle myself to the ground to overcome this urge to renew our special relationship. I asked myself: “Is this really that important?” The moment passed without harm to anybody. I’m sure this relates to my relationship with my mother. Lucia later announced she won’t be back ’til December 17. Beautiful Purusha woman receptionist smiles at me. Met Rufiel(?) on #31 on way home. He’s an artist and very interesting person. Felt very happy on #29 home. W.F. Then home.

November 26 dream:  I’m trying to form the shape of a bottle on the ground with old socks, etc. Thane there. We’re going to burn it in effigy? (h.o.)

November 26 dream:  They’re paving a wet street. So resto/bar opens at 5 p.m. instead of 4:30. Last day of conference.

November 25, 2019:  In bed at about 8:40 a.m. My heart suddenly starts pounding. I think: What’s going on? Then get phone call. I let it go to answering machine. Person stays on but doesn’t leave a message. (*Relates, I think, to murder of crows – my heart pumping, hawk – the call itself, and the young coyote – caller mad at me, from hier.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. She shows me one of her art pieces from her show on November 23. It’s good. Brandon at C.B. as well. Also my old man friend though he didn’t look at me today. Walk thru G.C.P. No murder of crows, no hawks, no coyotes, no Coyote Lady. On to Mt.D. #43 home. Insight: Realized today or hier that Thane was with The Prosperos from 1956 to 1989 or 33 years. Same as Jesus was allegedly with us. Perhaps there is something significant about that number. Hugh John (from The Prosperos) called me in p.m. We talked for over an hour. He convinced me to rejoin the dream group meeting on Thursdays, one of whose members is Al Haferkamp, the dean of The Prosperos. (*Relates to 1st dream of November 23. As I told H.J. on the call, if I dream of certain people it does not necessarily mean that I’m dreaming about those people. It means I’m dreaming about somebody who resembles those people in how I feel about them. So in the November 23 dream I dreamt of Steve Hines but it was really Hugh John himself I was dreaming of. Tom C. represented John H. Both beautiful men who I kind of put on a pedestal. And Thane represented himself. He was smiling slyly as he made his comic exit on the conveyor belt.

November 25 dream:  In Las Vegas with Al H., trying to show him something about rehearsal space. (h.o.)

November 25 dream:  Girl who hid money gets away with it for now.

November 25 dream:  In old fashioned elevator with Jean Evans. It doesn’t work. I decide to walk down. Leigh asks me to write down my number and give it to someone at her work. I am doing that when Carol Burnett walks by and comments on the beautiful flowers she saw. She said I should put one on my black dinner jacket (which had suddenly appeared on me). I tried not to act too impressed and at the same time hoped friends nearby caught the whole scene.

November 24, 2019:  9 a.m. High Watch meeting online. Pam R. pissed off at me for observing last month that the meeting amounted to a conversation between her and Calvin. (*Relates to female coyote hier in G.C.P, I think.) Walk to G.P. I sit next to couple with woman showing PDO (public display of ownership) at C.B. My old friend there as he was last time I was in a similar situation at that cafe. Walked to G.C.P. Murder of crows. One hawk flying overhead. One young male coyote approaching more closely than ever before. (*See diary of November 25.) Janet (the “Coyote Lady”) there too. On to Mt.D. Then friendly Asian guy smiles at me on Ridgewood. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Holding tightly to anything of value may prevent others from partaking of it. My conclusion: Truth is all the same Consciousness holding onto Itself effortlessly, realizing It is the only Subject, the only Object, of infinite utility, all partaking of all without opposition.

November 24 dream:  In the corner office, I’m trying to fix something. The water is rising. Daddy-long legs is caught and we need to use him to regenerate something. Maybe we’re in Wichita. And the boss just left on vacation for several months.

November 24 dream:  Was with my boss. Going thru lots of underground doors, etc. Everything very modern. Finally came out to street level. Run into Gary Rudy (from Saratoga High). He says the guy at the reunion was an imposter and “mutineer” who is the most wanted man in the country.

November 24 dream:  At the office looking for microwave to cook bagels with eggs in them. Two women on our side of the office get excited about “pleasing the prince.”

November 24 dream:  Staying over nite at my parents’ house. In bed with no bottom sheets and random strands of hair on it. Then wrestling match which was disappointing. Larry Cantu from Washington D.C. Joins me. He hardly speaks to me and he has a bloody broken arm in a cast which reaches into his chest.

November 23, 2019:  Woke up deciding that my back pain may be related to my yoga class, specifically to Lucia, my yoga instructor. And, as Dr. John Sarno said in his books, sometimes pain can be used as a way to divert the ego from facing something uncomfortable. And I think my relationship to Lucia was getting dangerous in some way. Not sure how yet. But will find out on Tuesday. (*May relate to 2nd dream of November 19.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. I tell him I saw Terminator 3 last nite. He said: “How did you think Arnold looked?” I said: “Pretty good.” Walk to G.C.P. See Janet (the “Coyote Lady”) talking so some people. And one pretty close coyote. (*Relates to Pam R. at November 24 High Watch meeting, I think.) Go to Mt.D. Then Safeway. Was in line for checkout with Myka when other guy invited me to his checkout. So I went there. Asian guy at bus stop said something about 430 car or 450 car? I couldn’t understand him, but he smiled a lot.

November 23 dream:  At Prosperos meeting, someone asks Tom C. a question and he says, “I’m not God.” I say, “Yes, you are.” He says, “No, I’m not.” I say: “Well, there’s God in you.” I’m sitting up front with Steve Hines(?) He is picking out interesting movies for me. My styrofoam cup is empty so I put trash in it. Thane appears and sits in front. Then he slides back and down a conveyer belt. He looks vaguely amused. Then it stops. I raise my hand to indicate he’s okay.

November 23 dream:  Melissa and I learning how to put a project together. She has put together something very fancy, maybe before class started?

November 22, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Picked up new shoes on Ocean Avenue. Rick Thomas (from The Prosperos) called when I was putting them on in the store. Walked to Starbucks Portola. Lots of rude kids from SOTA (School of the Arts). Walk home via Mt.D. Then #43 home.

November 22 dream:  Billye T. twirling with short young boys on their haunches. Me looking for restroom in room full of friendly Nordic young men.

November 22 dream:  Open drawer in kitchen. Full of big bubbly 2” high cockroaches. I scream (in a whisper) to “Get out!” Tell John F. after. He says, “Yeah, they can be awful.”

November 22, 2019:  Cute guy joins us in line. We are introduced all around. He notices chain around my neck that says “Love.” He says, “What about love?” I say, “It stinks.”

November 21, 2019:  Apply online for low-income apt. on Market. The minimum monthly income requirement was $2,586. My monthly income is $2,587. I thought that was interesting. In ’til 2:30ish. Shoe repair guy on Ocean closed. Walk from Ingleside to Inner Sunset. Get bread at Arizmendi. Take N to Cole Street. Guy on N who I thought was attractive ’til I got a closer look. Peet’s Cole Valley. #43 home. Three guys on #43. One guy at W.F.

November 21 dream:  Running out of boxes full of different ideas to help one gain insight spiritually.

November 21 dream:  Why do I always feel like I should be the leader?

November 20, 2019:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Two hours at Rincon. F home to online pain class from 5-7 p.m. Very moving sharing from woman in L.A. at last half hour. I felt like defending her whereas I didn’t find it necessary to defend myself in a similar situation.

November 20 dream:  My roommates are mad at me. I try to start over. Light overhead is not working. Then ____ several students have arrived. We did not pick up the tapes from the center.

November 20 dream:  “You don’t have to get high” song in musical dream. English fight scene. Kind of funny. People squirting water at each other. Program starts with Mensa-type group with picture of woman I know on the cover. I say: “Oh, smart people.” And I feel really dumb (but likable).

November 20 dream:  Acting in a movie with mostly Asian characters. During the breaks I would figure out interest rates.

November 19, 2019:  Worked on Chapter 6 of MSM. Got it ll done. Then lost it. Then found it again. In ’til 3ish. Cold and windy. Decide I just don’t want to hike to G.P. today or even Mt.D. Go to W.F. then to Fog Lifter. Then to Mc.D’s (remodeled but still just as bad). The home. Get all from “Private Number.”

November 19 dream:  I’m supposed to make room in my closet. Little boy makes me coffee. I spill some of it. It’s good though. (h.o.)

November 19 dream:  Handsome painter says his doctors thinks his painting means he wants to commit suicide. His mother is concerned. I am concerned. He says to his nurse: “Please don’t let me commit suicide.” Earlier I said: “I hate it when I find a park in S.F. that I didn’t know about.” I think: Why wasn’t I informed? (*I think painter is John H. and in order to connect with me, he will have to commit suicide to his former self. Though it may relate to me. See diary of November 23.)

November 18, 2019:  Head downtown to car rental place so I can drive to Sonoma for apt. interview. Muni breaks down. There is a power outage at Forest Hill so the subway is closed to all traffic. Shuttle buses are brought in. People crowd into the buses. I decide I don’t want to have to fight this much for a place I’m not sure I want. So to Peet’s W.P. and I cancel car rental and cancel application with apt. in Sonoma. I go to P.O. and get my money order refunded. See Tom Blair after. Then to Ballast Cafe. Cute baristo there. Then walk to Portola Starbucks. Walk to Mt.D. See dead rat. Then Fire Dept. runners. Then see  “WONDER”. Then woodpecker knocking on tree on Mt.D. Then to #43 at Ridgewood and Monterey. Hawk circles just before #43 arrives. Nap in p.m.

November 18 dream:  Flying around friends who are on the ground playing with toy soldiers(?) (h.o.)

November 18 dream:  Some woman spirit drags my item half-way out the window. I pull it back.

November 18 dream:  Go to Oscar Wilde cafe. See Hanz in line. He’s glad to see me but his lunch date is Nicola, who arrives late. They sit down at small table with no room for me or anyone else.

November 18 dream:  Flying to Hawaii. Then wake up in new apt. in S.F. Two women friends are there with me.

November 17, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See Jesse on skateboard at Monterey & Gennessee. Zeph at C.B. It’s hot so I take off my sweater. Two women smile at me. That discombobulates me. Then I’m mad. Then I’m okay. Walk thru G.C.P. Three coyotes plus Janet (the “Coyote Lady”). (*I think the coyotes relate to four of us going over the heads of the Executive Council later that night, requesting people to let the E.C. know if they are interested in taking Thane’s Comprehensive Workshop class which the E.C. has disallowed to date.) Then Mt.D. Then #43 home. Bus driver turns around to say good-bye to me. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Misappropriation of resources and misuse of power causes damage to all involved. My conclusion:  Truth is the only position of authority in which there is no misappropriation, total security, limitless resource, being undamaged and undamageable, the cause and effect of all happening/happiness, in which everything is entangled.

November 17 dream:  Talking with Connie C. about attempting to have sex with her the other night.

November 16, 2019:  OccupySF website down all morning and afternoon. In ’til 4ish. Go to shoe repair on Ocean. Then up to Mt.D. See Taylor (the “Otter Woman”) on Chaves Street. Hadn’t seen him in quite a while. Forgot his name so couldn’t call out to him. He kind of smiled. Then Starbucks Portola. Then down Teresita. Guy moving into John Pinkerton’s place? Myka at Safeway. Also other cute guy who twice got in my way. OSF website finally back up at 9:30 p.m.

November 16 dream:  Guy having trouble following his woman supervisor.

November 16 dream:  Take tram up to beautiful parts of S.F. I may have been to before. Some beautiful, tall, naked men walking around. I am very tired. Try to take photos but the tram is too fast. When we get to the top, I wonder if I can take the same tram back down.

November 15, 2019:  Bernie tabling with Patrick from 10 am. to noon at CCSF. Home ’til 4ish. Walk to Walgreen’s on Ocean Avenue. Sweet clerk there. Walk to Mt.D. Then to Starbucks Portola. Nice barista there. Walk home to Mt.D. Get call from “Private Number.” Then skunk on Coventry Alley. Then home in the cold and dark. Weird smell on the way home. It was the skunk, I later figured out. I think it got me.

November 15 dream:  Put cake in center of something so we could tell where the center was.

November 15 dream:  My work friend wants to know why he can’t play the stock market like everybody else. I say it’s because you’ve opted out like I did.

November 15 dream:  Trying to get loafer (shoe) out of box in closet and finally succeeding and planning on smuggling it out under a towel.

November 14, 2019:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” John’s an hour late. Good day though. Then two hours at Rincon. Then went to Muddy Waters to wait for Bernie HQ Grand Opening at 5:30 p.m. in the Mission. Cute baristo there. Run into Dakota in line for Bernie HQ Grand Opening. Tom Ammiano there. Jane Kim there. People that I know, other than Dakota, were acting really standoffish, so I left after about a half hour. #49 home. (*Relates to 1st dream of November 13?)

November 14 dream:  Kids sleeping over. I say: “No more than two to an area. If you make a lot of noise, I’ll kick you out.” Then the whole house begins moving, like down the road.

November 14 dream:  Friend of Norma Keller, staying at Thane’s suite (the rectory) gets healed of something. (h.o.)

November 14 dream:  Some guy and I working on an assignment together.

November 13, 2019:  Sonoma apartment calls in a.m. Appointment on Monday. Take nap from 1-2 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Have to stop in path ’cause of unleashed, angry dog. Its owner has to hold it back. Go to Starbucks Portola. Cute baristo. #36 and #43 home. Shift Lesson #2 online from 5 to 7 p.m. Pretty good.

November 13 nap dream:  Arm wrestling with a cat with claws.

November 13 dream:  Living with sisters Nancy and Laurie. I can never live up to their expectations. Or they make fun of me. Get letter. Makes me excited. (*Relates to Grand Opening of Bernie HQ on November 14?)

November 13 dream:  Cenk took the audience out of SNL. And me and Romney and other famous and not so famous guys, actors and comedians were singing one of the Muppet songs – the intro to their adult show.

November 12, 2019:  Go to VA appointment at 1 p.m. 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 guys on #29 and #38 on the way there and at least one guy at VA. After, see “HUGE” on walk from VA to the Haight. Meet Colin at Haight. He is beautiful (inside and out) guitar player from Canada. We talk quite a while. At the end he offers to exchange info which we do. Translation group in p.m. We decide to continue our discussion and get back to each other with our 5th steps on Tuesday night. Sense testimony: People take control of property that they do not own and do not have title to (not entitled to have), which causes abuse to others. My conclusion: Truth is entitled to use Itself properly and lovingly. OR: Truth is the President.

November 12 dream:  Big hard-on dream about something.

November 12 dream:  Dream I have another sore spot. This time on my leg.

November 11, 2019:  Facebook not working. Then Facebook not working well. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Also Brandon. Walk thru G.C.P. Feeling happy. Two coyotes and Janet (the “Coyote Lady”) there. On to Mt.D. Talk with man building a hut on his side property. He said it had a pyramid roof. I asked him if he had metaphysical intentions. He said: “No, just storage. I’ve got a lot of junk.” I said: “Well, you could get rid of some of your junk.”

November 11 dream:  First day in prison. Trying to learn my way around.

November 10, 2019:  Trustee’s meeting at 9 a.m. William Fennie was trying to be nice to me. (*See 2nd dream of November 9.) Nap after. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Shits at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Then to Mt.D. View of fog rolling in over the city took my breath away. Then home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People take control of property that they do not own and do not have title to (not entitled to have), which causes abuse to others. My conclusion: Truth is entitled to use Itself properly and lovingly. Group decides to send an email to student body requesting them to email the Executive Council if they are interested in taking Comprehensive Workshop, which the E.C. has refused to allow. (*See Thane dream of November 7?)

November 10 dream:  Trying to use white-out to correct the first sentence in a letter on some outside company’s letterhead. Also stirring my coffee which turned out to belong to nice young black female secretary.

November 9, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. She tells me about her art show in Berkeley on November 23. I tell her: “I’ll be there.” Walk to G.C.P. Two hawks being chased by two crows. On to Mt.D. Skunk on Coventry Alley. Myka at Safeway. He told me he asked Barbara Boxer to participate in political parade when he was in the 8th grade. She refused. Insight: Maybe my pain, my punishment, is not to appease my father, but to appease myself, my  idea of who I should be.

November 9 dream:  Repaint floor of my room. Can’t figure out how to get it started. Ask woman in white frilly dress up to her neck. She says she doesn’t know either. Parakeet flies onto my left ear. I walk into clear pool. (h.o.)

November 9 dream:  Guy tries to kiss up to me after he moves back into the apt. There are three of us now.  (*Relates to William Fennie at Trustee’s meeting on November 10?)

November 8, 2019:  Bernie tabling from 10 a.m. to noon at CCSF with Patrick. Patrick late. Beautiful man passes by me. I softly wolf whistle. Then decide to follow him into CCSF cafeteria and end up behind him in line. We exchange glances. After tabling, go to W.F. cafe. My Bernie friend Sarah there. Home ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Christina(?) is barista at C.B. Brandon there. I get to sit next to him. We talk briefly. Walk home thru G.C.P. Coyotes howling at sirens from Portola Street. Sounded like 12-20 of them. Stop by Mollie Stones. Cute, short Asian guy in line in front of me. On to Mt.D. Skunk at Coventry Alley.

November 8 dream:  Someone wanted to get together with someone else while he still had a good body.

November 8 dream:  Plugging something in. Lots of smoke. Wonder why my fire alarm doesn’t go off.

November 7, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. No line at P.O.! Buy 100 stamps for my annual trip. Also $45 money order for Sonoma apts. Then compliment Peet’s W.P on their remodel. Then walk to Starbucks Portola. On to Mt.D. Owl sitting in tree. Two women pointed out to me. #43 home right away. Bernie friend at W.F. cafe.

November 7 dream:  Talking about speech Thane gave the other night. Then I am picking up shorts(?) left by other student. I say: “I am all discombobulated.” Thane appears and touches me lightly. I sit in nice chair for his talk.

November 6, 2019:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Told John about my Sonoma opportunity. He said I’d need to figure out how to commute from Sonoma to SF. Finished up 101 shift with crazy person with megaphone. Two hours at Rincon. M to Castro #35 to G.P. Run into ABB guy (“anybody but Bernie”). BART to Balboa Park. Walk home. Shift “back pain” class at 5 p.m. Really love Dr. Schubiner. On line with 168 others from around the world. Had realization that just like my father gas-lighted me as a child, the brain is gas-lighting my body about back and side pain. At end we broke up into small groups. Our group was three until “shaman” joined us at the end. She was “crazy person” just like at 101 earlier today. Opted out of Berniecrats meeting in p.m.

November 6 dream:  Take a month vacation away from work at TYT. Ana K. talks about me, saying: “The good thing about him is that even though he says he won’t buy the T-shirt, then he will.” I think of going on vacation again.

November 6 dream:  Girl from Denmark. Older guy from Sweden. Both trying to put Swedish eggs (much smaller than American) in container.

November 6 dream:  Richard Branam-type told me Sheila Tutt worked at resto where you couldn’t have any money to get in. And the line was long. Turned out to be the resto next door. Leigh B. was there, too. Also Joyce something. Got reacquainted with Sheila. She said I looked older (when really she looked older).

November 5, 2019:  In ’til 2:30ish. #43 to camera store on Chestnut. Cute worker smiles at me and vice versa. Guy at library comes on to me. Wlak to Castro. See and talk briefly with Mark Leno at Market & Castro. Smile at cute young guy hanging out at 18th & Castro, and vice versa. #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.G. Also Paul(?) from SF Berniecrats. Also Brandon. I say to him: “You’re wearing a different shirt today.” He says: “Well, it’s Tuesday.” Talk with cute young Asian Chesa support at G.P. BART station. He asks me if I’ve voted yet. I say, “Yes.” Then add: “You’ve only got an hour or so left.” He says: “Thanks for taking the time to talk with us.” I think: “Of course I’m going to talk with you. You’re gorgeous.” I later realized he wanted me to come on to him. (*Relates to slip and fall on Mt.D. on November 3, I think.)

November 5 dream:  Bill Fortis is a dentist and went to school to become a dentist.

November 5 dream:  Comparing SF to NY, come in to work to help my friend. I said I’d help him as long as he needed it.

November 4, 2019:  Get call from Sonoma senior, low-income housing place to pursue my application. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. It’s cold. Hawk at CCSF. Have to sit next to nasty black lady for 2nd day in a row at C.B. I fear she’s going to hit me ’cause she’s a thug like my Dad. Later I realized that’s why I keep running into her. Walked thru G.C.P. Janet “Coyote Lady” there. Then 1 or 2 coyotes in the bush (coyotes for 3rd day in a row).Then go to Mollie Stones and when I look in the restroom mirror, I see my Dad. Scary! Meet Ryan at M.S. On to Mt.D. #43 home.

November 4 dream:  Recall that baby was born thru surrogate, not from the mother. And that it was red.

November 4 dream:  Cute little dog head-butts me. Turns into cat. Later I break three glass bowls in line to get something to eat. Cut in front of Madame Morel. Severed hand on the floor.

November 4 dream:  Fess Parker as Davy Crockett.

November 3, 2019:  Got up up at 8:45 to attend M.A. meeting. Then realized it was 7:45 so I went back to bed. Worked on Chapter 5 of MSM. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Later his parents and brother came in. Walked thru G.C.P. See Janet (the “Coyote Lady”) and a coyote for 2nd day in a row. One coyote close to the path and another behind a bush. Janet says to me: “He’s nervous about you, so keep walking.” I said: “I’m nervous about him, too.” Walk to Mt.D. It gets dark. I figure out how to turn on my cellphone flashlight. As soon as I do, I slip and fall. Later hear, then see skunk on path to Coventry Lane. I tell him: “OK, OK. Just get out of here!” Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Dissolution of current structure may be needed before new resolutions can emerge. My conclusion: The structure of Truth is indestructible and apparent, being infinitely old yet timelessly new, the immediate and indicative resolution of Self emerging.

November 3 dream:  Working at the post office with two very nice ladies. I think it’s my first day.

November 2, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Run into Carl Compton at Unity Plaza. We talk and walk down Ocean Avenue. Then I continue to G.P. Angelique at CB. Also cute Asian guy with ponytail (*See diary of October 27.) His butt crack was hanging out. When I left, Angelique was hitting on young man and vice versa. Walk thru G.C.P. Coyote bravely walking around field just below path. Myka at Safeway. #43 home. Think I may attend M.A. meeting tomorrow. Got excited about the idea of doing a PowerPoint Translation and RHS class.

November 2 dream:  AOC ad and cute naked guy who I was mad at. For being too cute?

November 2 dream:  Office wedding in S.E. Asia. Go into high water. Then toilet after toilet. Finally I said, “That’s enough.”

November 2 dream:  Go to touchy-feely camp. View two videos. Father of woman who runs the place also there.

November 1, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Take #49 to Bernie HQ. Rowdy students on bus. One beautiful guy sitting in the back. Plus 1 or 2 others. Leave new “Bernie” for Winnie. Talk with Holly. Immediately after, feel “jumpy happy.” Then see guy at 18th and Mission. Follow him up to 18th and Valencia where he gets in his car and drives off. Later mutual cruise with guy on 18th Street near Women’s Building. Then two older guys smile at me from Harvey’s Resto. Walk to G.P. Sit next to Oxford friend. His name is Brandon. #36 and #43 home.

November 1 dream:  Sitting at L-shaped table with hardly every other seat taken. Lots of different types of ice cream were being served. We were celebrating something.

November 1 dream:  Woman loans me two books about things two thousand years ago. I think I already have too much to reach. I forget them. Go back. Someone has them. She saves me from having to go thru guy spraying water at people. She says: “I’m going to do for you what you did for your sister and let you thru.”

October 31, 2019:  Bernie tabling with Patrick at CCSF from 10 a.m. to noon. See Ryan Lam there. Find out hie’s only 18 (and running for city supervisor). After, go to W.F. cafe. Meet Mickey, beautiful Italian jiu-jitsu student and friend of Cody, who used to work at W.F. I go home and then return to give him a Bernie brochure. Work on BB. Then to Arizmendi. After, skip N to follow beautiful shirtless guy at 9th & Irving. He made me hard. Then cute baristo on 9th Avenue smiles at me as I pass his cafe. Then attractive Asian man gives me the eye and vice versa. Then cute Asian guy in hoodie on N who offered me a seat. Older guy next to him smiled at me. I thought they were together, but they weren’t. Then Peet’s Cole Valley. Brief appearance by kitchen staff guy. Then home on #43.

October 31 dream:  Four “required” events on the same day, Sunday.

October 31 dream:  Was all packed and ready to go. Took final pee. Little kid was jumping up and down to go next.

October 31 dream:  Big hole in the ground for new arena in S.F. See Mickey Bonasera there with another Mickey I knew from high school.

October 30, 2019:  101 with John F and “Bernie.” Shahid Buttar showed up. Passed out a lot of “Pissed Off Voter” guides. Two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. Wait at 19th & Castro for #35. Then my Oxford friend at C.B. #36 and #43 home. Then Avalon halloween party. Then W.F. Met Jesse again at W.F. cafe (*See diary of October 24).

October 30 dream:  Political race. (h.o.)

October 30 dream:  Decide to drive back from Corvallis. The car is snowed in. I put key in door.

October 30 dream:  See “Men’s Club.”

October 29, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See Ross on Lippard Street. I don’t hang around after he casually mentioned “me and my wife.” Zeph at C.B. After, I talk to his would-be standup comedian friend. Oxford friend there, too. Walk thru G.C.P. See coyote very briefly. (*Coyotes from hier relate to discovering Elliott Zaff’s book on Fennie’s website,  http://www.theprosperos.com.) Go to Mt.D. Talk to dog Kyle and her guardian. #43 home.

October 29 dream:  Going to be a big parade. None of the big instruments from upstairs though.

October 29 dream:  Somebody was trying to teach me how to hit somebody.

October 28, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Hot guy at Lee and Ocean. I cruise him. Then somebody else joins him. When I look again hot guy glares at me. I back off. Now I’m off balance. Get to C.B. and sit next to two dominating women. I was still off-balance, so I was looser and played with it. Finally I headed to the bathroom. When I exited the bathroom, one of the women demanded the key from me. I pretended not to notice her, which was some sort of comment on her/their behavior, I think. Walk thru G.C.P. Two coyotes. Then talked to woman who called coyotes bullies. She said often a female would sit alone in a field to attract dogs and then the males would attack the dog. At the same time, one of the coyotes sat in the middle of the field. Walk to Jun’s barbershop. He derides me for coming late. I feel horrible about it. Later I realize he was gas-lighting me. Pretending that I did something outrageous, when actually I went out of my way to make sure I made it in time. RHSed him (and my father) later.

October 28 dream:  Hanging out with Kathy Warfield and Patrick H. Want to marry Kathy but I knew that I was gay.

October 28 dream:  At Castro Street fair I’m out on Market Street looking for John H.

October 28 dream:  Trying to cross Polk Street to the federal building in San Francisco. It’s raining so hard I can’t. My throat is so tight I can’t breath. Then it let’s up and I cross.

October 28 dream:  Tom O. visiting me in my apartment unexpectedly.

October 27, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Mae there in sundress exposing her arms which had lots of scars on them. From cutting herself? Hot Asian guy with pony tail as well. Walk thru G.C.P. then Mollie Stones. Quick glance from vegetable worker there. Then Mt.D. Shahid Buttar calls me on my cell as I’m walking home. (See? I am important!) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Without a unifying purpose, individuals and groups can pull apart. My conclusion: The intention of Truth is oneness and the effect of Truth is infinitely inclusive individuals and infinitely inclusive groups, all pulling together.

October 27 dream:  Put in four hours volunteering for Bernie.

October 27 dream:  Spend last day with woman who was supposed to be my girlfriend.

October 26, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Finishing up Chapter 4 of MSM. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Read more from She. It’s great. It makes me happy. Walk thru G.C.P. 6 or 7 crows playing in the sky. Walk to Mt.D. Coven of “witches” on top in front of cross. Shop at Safeway. No Myka. No Steven. #43 home.

October 26 dream:  Go to art gallery/garage in Mendocino.

October 26 dream:  Hang around to listen to English people in line talking with their English accents.

October 25, 2019:  Hard nite last nite. In ’til 3ish. Take K to Civic Center to vote. Walk back. Run into Andy Gillis at Green Arcade bookstore. I don’t even like him that much but I felt thrilled like a school girl that he was being nice to me. Then stop by Bernie HQ in the Mission. See Mary/Winnie there. Then walk with Mary to Chesa Boudin HQ on 15th Street. Walk to Castro. Stop at Spikes. Take K home. Cute Sacred Heart football player on K. Then W.F. Then home.

October 25 dream:  Guests trying to decide what to have to eat. Carol Burnett there. Also Paul Kavanaugh.

October 25 dream:  In Paris, go out for fancy meal. Al H. there.

October 24, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Worked on Chap. 4 of MSM. Walk towards Tenderloin to see the movie 5 Blocks about mid-Market Street. Run into Ross on Lippard Street at G.P. (*Relates to 2nd dream of last nite, having a new job and not knowing exactly what to do.) He was preparing a mural at Glen Park School. Cute, hot guy. Could have been gay. Could have been straight. Was definitely open. Walk to Tenderloin. Find Tenderloin Museum. Look in vain for café. Pass J’s place. Finally end up on Market. Nice activity on one block of Market near 6th Street. Cute Asian guy waiting in line for art show. Take M to Castro. Used-to-be cute guy smiles lasciviously at me on Castro. I go to ice cream store. And back. K to W.P. Two cute baristos at Peet’s W.P. One sweeping the floor smiled at me. I joked: “Just don’t sweep me up with the trash.” K home. Cute baristo at W.F. said they close at 7 p.m. I said: “How about tomorrow?” He said: “Definitely.”

October 24 dream:  Different types of docs I was supposed to know, but didn’t.

October 24 dream:  Some musical performance practice. Thought I saw Meryl Streep but it was someone else whom I admired.

October 23, 2019:  Feeling lots of lust for guy on K inbound. Lust is amazing. I was willing to do anything, forget anything, just to touch this guy, caress this guy, embrace this guy, fuck this guy. If only I could harness lust. 101 with John F. We did a deep cleaning of the planter where we put our literature. Two hours at Rincon. Cute Asian guy at Rincon. F to Castro. #35 to G.P. Oxford friend at C.B. He’ll be here ’til March. #36 to Foerster. See Jun. Told him I’d stop by on October 28 for haircut, his last day ’til he travels to China. Jesse at Railway Expresso. Bus driver on #43 kind to me and “Bernie.”

October 23 dream:  Hard-on dream about something.

October 23 dream:  Begin new job as office assistant. Not sure I’m trusted or what or how to do stuff.

October 23 dream:  Visit old neighborhood in Saratoga. Big pile of dirt on street. Kids sliding down it. Then to port of S.F. Big waves shaking the buildings.

October 22, 2019:  In ’til 2ish. #43 to camera store on Chestnut. Walk home via Polk, Franklin, Market and Castro. Cute self-aware guy on Franklin. I turn around to look at him as he pauses before entering store. Guy with Prop. D sign on Market says to me: “Have fun!” #35 to G.P. Zeph and Oxford friend at C.B. No tables so I go to Cuppa. Hot baristo there. #23 home. I sit next to guy who enjoyed being checked out by me. #43 home. Finally figured out how to transfer pictures from my camera directly to my laptop. I’m not stupid! It just takes me a while.

October 22 dream:  Several guys (not me) helping move all of Calvin’s book into his place. Liz A. walks thru. I visibly brighten up. People comment on it.

October 21, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Also Oxford friend with his girlfriend. Also Mae. Cute guy on way to G.C.P. Heavy eye contact. Rose petals on the ground on the way out. Cute Mollie Stones delivery guy on Chaves. Guy sitting on a lawn chair on top of Mt.D. He said to me: “It’s a long way down.”

October 21 dream:  Eating deep fat fried food at a resto with others.

October 21 dream:  Go to Prosperos center at Nannie’s old place at Mission and Cortland. Al H. there walking out with beautiful but scarred girl. Rick Thomas there. I go upstairs and take a nap.

October 21 dream:  Tom O. and I sleeping over. I throw up a bit. Then drive out of the city. Talk to my father on the phone. I say: “You can really tell when you drive out of the city.” We were in Texas somewhere.

October 20, 2019:  9 a.m. High Watch meeting. I was the observer. 11 a.m. Sunday Meeting with Rick Thomas, H.W., M. After his talk, during the comment period, I said to Rick, “I love you.” It was emotional, honest, unintended and powerful and I think it was meant not only for Rick but for John H. (*Relates to the 2nd dream of October 15, the one where I lose control. Also, speaking of losing control, to shits from hier.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Then home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Fear of the unknown quashes excitement and prevents progress. My conclusion: Truth is harmless nature, the untamable wild, irrevocable, unannulable, endless excitement, always coming forward, always progressing. OR: Truth is at home with the wild. OR: We do not tame Truth. Truth tames us. During discussion afterwards, I accidentally called Richard Branam Truth.

October 20 dream:  Was at party. Drank too much. I wasn’t drinking alcohol, but I was still drunk. Then sobered up immediately. And left. (h.o.)

October 20 dream:  Go to retreat for compulsives. One guy likes to take his pants down. Others are over-eaters. I feel like a fraud, that I didn’t really belong there.

October 19, 2019:  Watched Bernie rally in Queens on YouTube at 10 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Walk thru wedding reception set-up at Sunnyside Conservatory. Angelique at C.B. Oxford friend enters as I’m leaving. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to Mt.D. See “Cleared for Take-Off” at a neighborhood book stand. Shits as I get to Safeway. Myka as I check out.

October 19 dream:  Thane: “What is the building you’re in?” Me: “Spearling.” Thane: “Whenever I think of that building, I think of my Aunt saying she was anything but spearling.” Extract white object from my hand.

October 18, 2019:  Table with Patrick and “Bernie” at CCSF. Dakota stops by. Meet Victor and his friend as we leave. They are campaigning for Prop. D. His friend said he saw me and “Bernie” at the Castro Street Fair. At W.F. barista gave me a free latte when she saw “Bernie.” Then cute Japanese guy in line with two raw strip steaks. He asked me if I was a vegan.  I said, “Mostly.”  Work at home. Take nap. Then Fog Lifter. Trio of male bullies standing in doorway made me angry.

October 18 dream:  Get treatment to make my teeth whiter. I would have to go back a couple of more times.

October 18 dream:  My first day in prison. Will have to find job there. Family take delight in telling me what I’ll have to do.

October 18 dream:  Tom O. and me in helicopter. He’s trying to park it on street. I say: “Can you just drop the damn thing?”

October 17, 2019:  Go to 101 with John F and “Bernie” from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. Before John arrives, bike messenger asks me: “What has Bernie accomplished?” When I pause to think, he yells triumphantly, “Aha!” and rides away. And end of shift, libertarian named Kevin (or Kyle) tries to convince me that appointing Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court was a good thing. Two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. #35 right away to G.P. Oxford friend at C.B. with his girlfriend. Take BART to Balboa Park. Meet Jeff May from DSA who took a selfie with “Bernie.” Insight: My trouble with people taking pictures of me: My Dad hasn’t given me permission. Insight: Maybe if I wrote “Swan Lake” my Dad would love me.

October 17 dream:  Trying to fix something. (h.o.)

October 17 dream:  I’m returning my $16. Then woman gives me flowers at bottom of empty ewer to get better.

October 16, 2019:  False fire alarm at 9:45ish. Water turned off without warning at noonish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. My Oxford friend at C.B. Two hawks circling over G.C.P. Meet Kyle, the dog, on Mt.D. RHS my dad. Realize I didn’t care if he fondled me or whatever. It made me feel special. So if there was a problem, it was his. Maybe that’s why it only happened once that I can recall. Maybe he was looking for somebody to have power over, rather than somebody who enjoyed his caresses. And maybe my scary dream of last night was a good thing. Being out of control sometimes is.

October 16 dream:  Barbara Hill tried to grab newspaper out of my hand by pressing on my neck. I pushed her down and away.

October 16 dream:  I/we was supposed to type a transcript but I could never find out what I was supposed to type. There were no words, except Japanese and Chinese characters. Finally we decided to put on a ruse of Candide.

October 15, 2019:  J. calls about 12:30 p.m. or so? Sign up for Dr. Schubiner pain video at $297 for 7 online sessions. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Too full to find a seat. Go to Cuppa. Cute, sweet bodybuilder baristo. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Telman at Mollie Stones. Very sweet, handsome guy I’d never seen before. Mt.D. RHS my father. TV news in p.m.: There was a 4.5 earthquake two days before the Loma Prieta earthquake on October 17, 1989.

October 15 dream:  Vote on whether climate will allow floating boats?

October 15 dream:  Meet Mary Tyler Moore who had hairy legs. I tell her I was going to go to one of her plays, but didn’t. She says I should do something. I move into place where I’m paying $700 per month. A woman is driving me too fast. I try to reach gas pedal to slow down. There is a plywood wall in front of me so I can’t see where we’re going. I Translate: “Truth is that which is so. That which is not Truth is not so. Therefore Truth is all that is.” Then I wake up.

October 14, 2019:  Go to Aunt Joanne’s at 11 a.m.  (Cute Asian guy with ear stud on Lee as I head to Muni stop.) Sister Nancy, cousins Leigh and Jeff there also. Stay ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Go to W.P. hardware store to see Alan. Meet other cute Asian guy with ear stud there. Then to Mt.D. Then home. Run into W.F. friend from June 17. (*Relates to shits from hier around the same time?) 4.5 earthquake at 10:33 p.m.

October 14 dream:  Transposing something written into final form (h.o.)

October 14 dream:  Take private bus (after being approved) thru S.F. to deserted center I never knew was there. Try to find it on map. Hope it’s close to place I wanted to get to. School is empty when I arrive.

October 14 dream:  Walk thru gym. Pass resto. Give message that we are going to have a meeting at 10 a.m. on Saturday about an upcoming class. Cute Asian waiter smiles at me. Say to those at table: “The Mentor’s handbook says we should always have a sidekick.”

October 13, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. from Ocean Ave. Go to Starbucks Portola. Shits there. And home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People revolt against outside authority figures in lieu of honoring the universal principle within. My conclusion: Truth is peopled with noteworthy authority figures, all of whom are in sync, honoring the universal principle within. Nervous about visiting Aunt Joanne tomorrow.

October 12, 2019:  Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Angelique returned my library book. Yay! Beautiful Asian guy at his laptop with headphones. I said: “Writing the great American novel?” No response. Later I cross over the empty chair across from him. He smiles but doesn’t look up. (*Relates to cute but dirty homeless guy hier at G.C.P.?) Three crows playing at G.C.P. Calvin, the pug, on Chaves. Hot guy on cliff on Mt.D. Steven at Safeway. “Private number” calls at 6:15 p.m. (*Relates to shits from hier about the same time, I think.) Nancy O. calls in p.m. See “Prepare to be blown away.”

October 12 dream:  I sing theme from “Peter and the Wolf.” Woman says: “Clearly, that’s a line green Jesus…”

October 12 dream:  Take bus to colorful Mexican street in S.F. I’d never been to before.

October 11, 2019:  Worked on Chapter 3 of MSM. It kind of depressed me. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. New barista at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Pass dirty, smelly but young, cute and friendly homeless guy. Mt.D. Shits when I get home. CSU on YouTube.

October 11 dream:  Finish resto job at 12:30 a.m.

October 11 dream:  Some guys I didn’t really like or trust pouring a line of gas on the floor and lighting it. I left even though there was a cute guy I was interested in and a cute girl who was interested in me. Walk thru store. Water 6 feet deep or so. I walk to higher ground. Woman smiles at me. Knock chair out of place.

October 10, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. On the way out, I listen to Bernie ad and weep because he’s so much better a person than I’ll ever be. Walk to Golden Gate Heights Park. See Malcolm Cecil in W.P. Then on to Arizmendi. Then Peet’s Cole Valley. #37 to Castro, #33 to Mission. Stop by Bernie HQ at 2235 Mission. See Ryan from Chesa Boudin campaign at 22nd Street. I get off bus to talk to him. He campaigned shirtless at the Castro Street Fair, so I mentioned that to him. He said: “Different crowd.” #49 home. Angelique emails me that she found the book She.

October 10 dream:  Calvin sticking his naked butt out at me as I passed by.

October 10 dream:  Tom O. and I playing a game and losing to another couple. After, he gives me a box of gifs and a $110 bill. I said: “I didn’t know they came in that denomination.”

October 9, 2019:  Meet Alan at Ocean/Lee Muni stop. I had “Bernie” with me. We talk there and on K train ’til he got off at W.P. (*Relates to hawks from G.C.P. and from Amber Way on October 7, I think.) He works at W.P. Hardware. He’s a student at CCSF. Studies engineering and works 40 hours a week. He took a photo of me in mid-conversation. Then met Elaine on K. 101 from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. Two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. #35 to G.P. right away. Economics student at C.B. (*See diary of September 30.) He’s a Master’s student at Oxford. Guy behind 1100 Ocean Avenue on way home. Feeling depressed about Bernie’s heart attack.

October 9 dream:  Climbing into factory to get something. As I leave, couple there applauds. Then I go back in and am given my grades (which are good) and a big packet of papers. (semi h.o.)

October 9 dream:  Going to work at resto where I get ¼ of all the money taken in from salads sold. Resto on the coast. I drop plate but don’t break it.

October 8, 2019:  Finally get email from Angelique about the library book She I lent her. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph there. Hawk at G.C.P. Mt.D. Envelope with “Fantastic News” on way down. See Dakota get on #43 as I get off.

October 8 dream:  Woman at work says Trump visited her after he became president. (h.o.)

October 8 dream:  Cleaning up the basement where events are held. I say: “I don’t come down here that often.”

October 7, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. Shits at G.C.P. Later two hawks. Then another two hawks. Shirtless guy sitting on log with headphones. Then three nearby hawks on Amber Way. Mt.D. Then hawk over CCSF. Wave of self-criticism, self-doubt after I check my mail instead of getting on elevator being held by another resident. (*Relates to 3.8 earthquake of October 5?) Wave as strong as wave of feeling hated from September 30.

October 7 dream:  Read my screed which still needs a little work. Get in big family fight. I say something mean to Laurie. Everyone gets down on me. Later it’s just me and my father fighting. Then he takes me out to pizza. The pizza guy says my dad is a little drunk. He (my father) spills pizza cheese on my shirt. I am quite svelte.

October 7 dream:  John H. with his hot new shirtless friend. I give him (John) the finger. My funny friend walks into resto. Guy there orders two lemon pies. I think I should have ordered that. Have to catch #53 bus to get to work at 10 a.m.

October 6, 2019:  Campaigning for Bernie and with “Bernie” at the Castro Street Fair from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m with Jason and Brandon. (*Relates to first dream of October 4?) Many, many happy people taking photos with “Bernie.” Guy on the way on Muni remembered my name from our Bernie tabling at CCSF. Took nap after. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Persistent contentious dysfunction leads to withdrawal anger depression. My conclusion: Only Truth can be expressed. Truth is consistent integrity, functioning harmoniously, fully integrated, always drawing towards Itself. Insight: I should be doing more. That’s why I have pain. I’m punishing myself.

October 6 dream:  Betty Cuff comes to Prosperos assembly for her talk. She’s all dressed up. I say: “I remember that dress.” She says: “Do we know anything about Mom?” I say: “You mean my Mom?”

October 6 dream:  Moved back into 835 Turk Street. “Men’s Group” was meeting. It had lots of women. I spoke briefly. Also raucous comedy group in the cafeteria. There were two other empty rooms which I looked at. Their occupants would arrive tomorrow. One had a pink room. Both seemed nicer than mine. No cockroaches yet, but I’m sure they were there.

October 6 dream:  Say good-bye to Richard(?) in the form of his mother. He told me he had had two children. One of them died in the crib. Just couldn’t make it. A passing stranger said, “Good luck on your trip back to Los Angeles.” I knew he meant California, and didn’t distinguish L.A. from California.

October 5, 2019:  3.8 earthquake at 8:41 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. His girlfriend had just broken up with him so he was pretty down. Cute Asian guy and I connect on my way out. Get “Perfect” later on walk to G.C.P. Run into Janet, the Coyote Lady, but no coyotes. Walk to Mt.D. Crazy, cute guy on top. Then Myka (and Noel) at Safeway. Myka says it’s store policy that he cant’ talk politics.

October 5 dream:  Al H. tells me his parents were both Prosperos. They were broken up but at a party they got together and produced him. I said: “You really are a Prospero. You have it in your dna.”

October 4, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Working on Chapter 2 of MSM. Walk to G.P. Guy calls me “Grandpa.” Jordan at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mollie Stones. Then Mt.D. and home. Feel really bad about my side pain. Also about my MSM video.

October 4 dream:  Took off work early on Friday. They were getting rid of our word processing department. Bernie was driving us in big elongated VW bug out of the city. He parked at one point. I told him I had to leave (since I was going further away from where I lived). Then I offered to take over driving for him. Nina Turner there.

October 3, 2019:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Peet’s Cole Valley via T.P. Hawk on T.P. Royale there. SF Berniecrats at 7 p.m. John F., Patrick, Brandon, Greg, Laksh, black friend there. #37, M and #29 home. Insight at at Peet’s: pain may relate to me punishing myself for getting by without working, for being privileged in any sense that I think I am privileged.

October 3 dream:  Carol Carter comes to Prosperos meeting ’cause I sent her a “caustic” email.

October 3 dream:  Had to restock a whole library of encyclopedias of different dates into empty, dusty library shelves.

October 2, 2019:  101 with John F. from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. See “Imperfect” truck. Two hours at Rincon. Walk thru Castro with “Bernie.” Then #35 to G.P. Owner there. #23 and #43 home. Bus driver on #43 likes either me or “Bernie.” Maybe both. “Expect the Unexpected” in p.m. Insight: My mother, through her death, exposed my egocentricity.

October 2 dream:  Harriet shoves my bedroom door open even though I had put a heavy box behind it. She showed me how to work new lock.

October 2 dream:  Left out last lines of Lord’s Prayer at Sunday Meeting, so I asked everyone to stay on and find it. Then I asked two to three (Hanz, etc.) to read the lines, but they all chickened out. I slapped their faces.

October 2 dream:  Woman teacher speaks of French women Resistance fighters. Me taking notes.

October 2 dream:  Van home. I stay on ’cause I want to be with everybody. A few new bare-chested, leather-vested boys join us.

October 2 dream:  Getting ready for class. Preparing ad copy with Jody Vanda. Will collate at Aunt Joanne’s.

October 1, 2019:  Bills and monthly BB in a.m. Walk to G.P. Hawk at CCSF on the way. New barista at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P See one coyote. Meet Janet, the Coyote Lady. We talk for about a half hour.

October 1 dream:  I am Feinstein’s tenant.

October 1 dream:  Going to big outdoor fair/expo with Marilyn Deurell(?)

September 30, 2019:  Yesterday, walking to G.P., I was overwhelmed by a feeling of being hated. Once I recognized it, I was able to dismiss it. Today, in ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. He texts Angelique to return my book to the library. As I leave I say to guy working on laptop next to me: “Is that math?” He says: “Economics.” I see a wadded up $10 bill on his table. I say: “Speaking of economics.” He smiles broadly and says: “Exactly.” Zeph jealous? Walk thru G.C.P. No coyotes, no hawks today. Continue on to Mt.D. Looking back at Mt.D. see hawk for 2nd day in a row. Riordan h.s. student on #43 home Also bus driver as I exit the bus. Work on Chap 2 of My Soul Mates in p.m.

September 30 dream:  Dream of “October 26.”

September 30 dream:  Dick Van Dyke thought Laura might be faking her illness.

September 29, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Angelique didn’t leave me the book I lent her like she said she would. Walk to G.C.P. Two hawks circling at entrance. Midway thru park passing guy tells me there are six coyotes down the hill. Then I see at least four of them. (*Does this relate to my “Fellow Traveler” post from September 28?) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Cadres working against each other can cause antagonism and impeachment. My conclusion: Truth is the unimpeachable, inexcusable protagonist, always at the center of everything, already a complete success with no additional effort required, one cadre working harmoniously everywhere. (*Thane showing up on my cell phone on September 27 relates to my “Fellow Traveler” post as well, I think.)

September 29 dream:  A friend/customer at a resto suggests I drink lager for my health.

September 28, 2019:  Email from Suzanne Deakins relates to “Count on the Unexpected” from hier? In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. I like the person I am when I’m around her: strong, handsome, protective, manly. I’m walking thru G.C.P. thinking this and cute, young guy smiles at me. Walk to Mt.D. “Winter Moving” van on way. Hawk as I look back. Steven and Myka at Safeway. Myka worried about what’s happening here. I say: “At the store?” He says: “No. Here in the country. The impeachment.”

September 28 dream:  In the military each of us must find the right size uniforms, etc. Then find a place to live. I was holding back.

September 28 dream:  Riding in detached car, hanging onto train thru middle of S.F. which I’d never seen before. Finally came to stop. No more tracks. No more train.

September 27, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Also guy reading Who Moved My Cheese? on the way out. Walk thru G.C.P. and onto Mt.D. and home. Still getting 503 error code on the Bathtub Bulletin. I think it’s my time.ly events calendar. Instead of saying, we want to now charge you for what we’re calling an upgraded software, they simply stop allowing the current software from working correctly, thereby forcing users to detect the problem and eventually simply buy their updated (but not really updated) version of the software which was formerly free. In other words, time.ly is gas-lighting me. See Thane photo on my cell phone. I didn’t put it there, but it was timely, so to speak. Fixing 503 error code made me feel optimistic I could solve my back/side pain problem as well. See “Count on the Unexpected” in p.m. (*Relates to posting “Fellow Travelers,” my critique of the trustees, on the BB. Heather is a proxy for Suzanne Deakins who was the only one who sent me an email in response.)

September 27 dream:  Magic show turns completely scary and real.

September 27 dream:  At work I volunteer to quit. My boss is upset that I am doing some research on L.A.’s approach to something. I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do. Just as we are beginning to have an honest conversation about this, he is interrupted. Then some guys tow some tilting boats in the adjacent harbor and they are being towed as well. The doorway to our floor is being blocked off and we are going to be assigned to work on the floor above, pasting labels on folders, etc. Heather is there.

September 26, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Cute young flirty guy in Cuppa at G.P. Two policemen standing behind him. Hot friendly Asian baristo. Very sweet. Very well-built. Crazy nice ass. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk and two crows. Then Mollie Stones. Get angry at poor service at deli. Cute, young friendly Asian guy with “H” on his shirt smiles at me as I reach top of Mt.D. Cute guy on #43 gets off at same stop as me. Also interested woman.

September 26 dream:  Big hard-on dream. They found Billye and someone else. Somebody else was still missing.

September 25, 2019:  Really tough nite last nite. Anonymous calls at 2:30 a.m., 7:30 a.m., 9:15 a.m., etc. (*Relates to coyotes in G.C.P. on Sept. 13, I think.) 101 with John F. from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. Then two hours at Rincon. Lots of smiles at me and “Bernie.” Take F to Castro. Wait for #35 at 19th Street. See interesting guy at J’s store. Maybe J. (*Relates to first dream of Sept. 23?) Go to Cuppa at G.P. Then take #44 to Portola ’cause I really wanted to get a macha frappachino, which I did. Hawk there. Also ladybug. Barista there liked “Bernie.” She took a selfie with him. Then offered me a glass of water as I was leaving. I think she was coming on to me. (*Relates to slip and fall hier at Mt.D.?) #43 home.

September 24, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Trip and fall. Have trouble getting myself up. Am scratched. Go to Starbucks Portola to wash up, etc. Walk back home. Then to Hamburger Mary’s in the Castro for Bernie meeting. See Jiro at The Cove on the way. 10 of us at the meeting. I brought “Bernie.” Had playful interaction with Mary. It kind of freaked me out. Greg(?) is gay? He mentioned his husband, I think. Black guy said he didn’t like to go door-to-door because he’s black. I said I’d go with him. K on the way home.

September 24 nap dream:  Trying to recycle old clothes that weren’t even mine.

September 24 dream:  Prosperos event. Melissa asks me if I’m going to the singles affair later.

September 23, 2019:  3-ring call in a.m. Break glass in kitchen sink. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Hawk at Diamond and Bosworth Streets. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. See coyote. Then 3 or 4 coyotes (from a distance). Walk on to Mt.D. Meet nice young man who had just moved to the neighborhood and didn’t even know Mt.D. existed. He said he was attracted by the “Beware of Coyotes” sign. We talked briefly. Then, on leaving, he looks at my grocery bag and says: “Enjoy your picnic.” I say: “It’s just shopping, but that’s a good idea.” (*Relates to hawk from G.C.P. hier, I think.)

September 23 dream:  Walking thru a group of gay men and their partners. Camera guy was naked with a hard-on. I had on underpants with a hard-on as well. I walked thru one part of the pool to get home.

September 23 dream:  “That’s all right. If I don’t have a family, I’ll just get even in other ways,” I say in dream. Something about dyspeptic.

September 22, 2019:  Online Trustee meeting at 9 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph there. He asks me if I’ve seen The Hitcher yet. I say I haven’t gotten it from the library yet. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk overhead. Car full of gorgeous, dangerous guys on path up to Amber Drive. Mt.D. Home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Misperception and mismanagement can lead to crisis. My conclusion: Truth is only aware of Truth, managing Itself perfectly, guiding itself righteously, bounteously through any point of crisis/decision, always beginning and ending in Truth.

September 22 dream:  Snake inside bag with extension chord. Snake gets out. Woman wants me to put it back in. I don’t want to.

September 22 dream:  Get big red box. Open it. There are shelves inside and a dummy dressed up. Also a receipt book from the police dept. I’m with Tom O.

September 22 dream:  About to kiss young man I’m with. He seems to be bracing himself.

September 21, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Coyote on the trail. Is chased off by somebody’s dog. (*Relates to tomorrow’s Trustee’s meeting?) At Safeway, Steven opens up Express Lane for me. Myka outside taking break. Gang of skateboarders at Safeway. Also long-haired interesting guy at Safeway.

September 21 nap:  Somebody telling me bad news.

September 20, 2019:  K to West Portal. Cute guy on board. Strange attitude. I tried to loosen him up. Optometrist appointment. Walk from West Portal to Arizmendi’s on 9th Avenue. Then to Peets Cole Street. Spill my drink. Take #37 to Castro. Then #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. He was unaware of today’s climate strike. Walked to Jun’s salon to get hair cut and to see Jun. He’s not going to move to N.Y.C. After all. He will be buying the salon and staying on with his wife here in S.F. I told him my haircut made me look handsome. He said if I’m happy I should bring a lady. I said: “Can I bring a gentleman?” he said: “You can.”

September 20 dream:  Switch bus drivers at rainy mall parking lot. I sit behind new driver. Old driver sits next to me.

September 19 dream:  Go to Vallejo with John F. and his friend Alyson from the “Academy.” Beautiful man and his dog waiting in line in front of us at Ferry Building. Once we are on board I talk to him briefly. Find out his pit bull dog is 7-years-old. Though she still acts like a puppy. Once we off load, I see him again and we smile. (*Relates to hawks from Sept. 17?) Walk thru Vallejo with J.F. and Alyson. Then have fish & chis at local resto and take ferry back. Get “Perfect” in W.P. Go to Peets W.P. and home. John wins on the Great British Baking Show Season 5.

September 18, 2019:  On walk to 101 from Montgomery Station, young guy runs up to me excitedly about my TYT T-shirt. He says he watches “The Damage Report” every day. He’s from Seattle. Said he was renewing his French visa. I say: “Are you going over there?” He says: “No, I already went to the embassy. I’m going to Fisherman’s Wharf to take some pictures.” I say: “No, I meant are you going to France?” See my Asian friend at 101. Two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. Guy at 19th & Castro. Guy on #35 with “Janus Films” T-shirt. He’s overweight but he gives me a look of submission which turns me on. Jordan at C.B. Meet Colby there. Black 22-year-old U.C. Santa Cruz grad who majored in sculpture. We talked for about an hour. I left just as his girlfriend arrived. #23 right away. #43 right away home. Memory: Mommy didn’t want another boy. Then I showed up.

September 17, 2019:  Get up at 7:30 a.m. or so. Very unusual for me. Drop and break my favorite coffee cup. That usually means something. Work ’til 1:30 p.m. or so. Take nap. Leave house about 3ish. Walk to G.P. Owners there. Walk thru G.C.P. See one hawk circling. Walk to Amber Drive. See two hawks circling. Then they scare off crow. Then three hawks flying with each other. Mollie Stones. Mt.D. Home. Insight: Maybe I’m taking on my father’s pain as aa way to get along with him. Then remember word loyal is related to legal, that is, the only real loyalty. Legal bond I have is not to my father but to being Itself.

September 17 dream:  Dream of floating down the corner of a room from a very high ceiling. Didn’t know how I was doing it. Decided not to question it. (*Relates to taking ferry to Vallejo on 9/18?)

September 17 dream:  Walking thru empty rooms. Said I wanted people around. Then there were lots of people around.

September 16, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Catching up on 3 days of email, etc. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Two crows playing with each other. Then lots of coyotes howling. I howl back. Hawk on Amber. Walk to Mt.D. and home. View video of my Sunday talk. Fibromyalgia: “See, Daddy, you don’t have to hit me ’cause I’m already in pain.”

September 16 dream:  Guy acting like robber lays down in doorway instead of trying to run away.

September 16 dream:  Woman follows me thru the Castro. Finally she catches up to me at a resto. She says: “That wasn’t so hard.” I agree. We’ve finalized our divorce. Later I’m sitting with group of friends about to describe the greatest nite of sex I’ve ever had. Then the whole resto gets quiet except some background noise. I ask if the management can turn it down. Then management evicts a whole bunch of people and there are just a few of us left. Later big TV woman talks about her special friend in Chicago. She says he visits her every so often and then the fun begins.

September 15, 2019:  Online H.W. Meeting at 9 a.m. My rotating deanship proposal went down 10-4. Then my talk (“The Ontological Foundation of the U.S.A.”). I got most emotional when talking about Greta Thunberg, the 15 year-old who stood up to all the powers that be and said: “Enough.” Take two hour nap after. Walk to G.P. See “Erica Edwards” therapist sign I had never seen before. Walk thru G.C.P. to Starbucks Portola. Cute baristo there. Later he came out from behind the counter. He was wearing shorts which showed off his hairless but still masculine legs. Mt.D. and home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Hardening of the arteries causes heart attack in individuals and institutions. My conclusion: The Life Force is limitless, boundless, full speed ahead, wholeness yielding to wholeness, the organizational perfection of one invulnerable Individuation.

September 15 dream:  Waiting 12 hours for my boyfriend to pick me up. See Marilyn Deurell at one point. Some Christian Scientists come in. One talks to me about his boyfriend.

September 14, 2019:  Bernie tabling with Gay at Carl & Cole from 10am-1pm. Take one hour nap after. Walk to G.P. CCSF football on the way. Rams leading opponent 40-0. Angelique at C.B. She tells me she went swimming at Baker Beach. I think: “Isn’t that a nude beach?” Later I show her short book I’m reading called She by Robert Jonson. She reads the first few pages and, when I leave, asks if she can keep it. I say, “Well, it’s a library book so I have to return it by Oct. 4.” I gave her my email. Walk through G.C.P. Realize the three hawks from hier related to my two interchanges with Angelique, not with J., as I had hoped. Walk to Mt.D. Then Safeway. Myka and Steven there. Myka tells me to look at both sides of the hong Kong story. Insight: My right to sweets a hidden revolt against my mother?

September 14 dream:  Look at real estate listing. Express my interest at real estate office. Tell them I was the one who took a typing test.

September 14 dream:  Lost in Sacramento.

September 13, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. He’s going to UC Santa Cruz starting later this month. Walk to G.P. New barista at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Three hawks distant. Then three hawks close up on Amber. Go to Mollie Stones. Then Mt.D. Meet Elliot from Manchester, UK, on top of Mt.D. We talk for about two hours. (*Relates to conversation hier on #29 to VA?) Hawk at Mt.D. as well. Mostly about his trip thru America, Jiu-jitsu. He left, saying: “I wish I could stay.”

September 13 dream:  Working at a newspaper as a dishwasher instead of an editor which I was. Get caught.

September 13 dream:  See photo of Cenk’s face in a pancake. Show it to Ana and then head to Cenk.

September 12, 2019:  VA appointment at 1 p.m. Young guy drops his key on way onto bus. Other sort of  autistic guy points it out. They sit together and get off at same stop, after an interesting conversation about sci-fi, etc. Walk from VA to Cole Valley thru G.G. Park. Think about inflammation of my pelvic area. Realize inflammation is the body trying to get rid of something it doesn’t need. Perhaps I’m trying to get rid of some of my outdated ideas about sexuality. Get anonymous call as I realize this. Royale at Peets Cole Valley. Beautiful guy named Alex on #43 home. He looked like a young Elliott Derzaph. At W.F. Japanese guy with fresh arm tattoo of manga character. He still had on bandages. He told me he got the tattoo an hour ago. I told him: “It must mean a lot to you.”

September 12 dream:  Making up a new team of Bernie supporters with new videos?

September 11, 2019:  Go to 101. Meet Jason on the Muni subway on the way. Three homeless people camping out next to our usual station. Nice to see John F. again. Two hours at Rincon. Take M to Castro. Cute guy I had cruised before got off at Castro after me. Then he adjusted his pants. I walk on to Spikes. Then back to Castro Station and got K home. Got call as soon as I got home. As I lifted my phone to my ear, it smelled bad. Shits at about 5 p.m.

September 11 dream:  Trip over mountain terrain with two other guys. Stop to take a break and get 2-1/2 pancakes and toast.

September 10, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. the back way from the 7-11 on Ocean Avenue. Casual mouse on Mt.D. Walk to G.P. Two distant hawks. Zeph at C.B. 5:30 p.m. conference call with Bernie. Get cut off before Bernie comes on. Stop by Safeway. Steven there at checkout stand. Nice to see him. Two or 3 cute guys on Frida Kahlo on way home.

September 10 dream:  Tried to control some homeless people at a do. Cute guy dancing cooly, I thought. I told woman friend: “These homeless are impossible.” (h.o.)

September 10 dream:  Donuts and libation for people. (h.o.)

September 10 dream:  At high-end place I didn’t want to be. I accidentally break a couple of dishes.

September 9, 2019:  Call AT&T in early a.m. They said to reboot twice a month and gargle once a day. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D from Ocean Avenue. Asian guy smiles at me at Faxon and Ocean. Walk from Mt.D. to G.P. Guy on Coventry Lane. Zeph at C.B. Finish He by Robert Johnson. Myka at Safeway.

September 9 dream:  I recommended their roast chicken so now everyone is getting roast chicken. At camp in woods.

September 9 dream:  Taking a test. High school kids in background. One black guy says: “This guy, they stripped him.” Unexplained welts/growths on my face.

September 8, 2019:  Heather’s Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. 10 people there. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph there. Cute Asian guy as I leave. Walk thru G.C.P. Take steep uncharted short-cut up to Turquoise Way. Guy with”Just Do It’ T-shirt on Mt.D. Translation Group in p.m. Sense testimony: Powerful weapons may be beyond the capacity of humans to handle their impulses and rage. My conclusion: Truth is one being always present in mind, where there are no mortals and there are no battles, where weapons are non-essential and the capacity of Truth is limitless and Truth is the sole handler, the sole moderation and the sole impulse.

September 8 dream:  Trying to get on some sort of program. (h.o.)

September 8 dream:  Big liberal/conservative debate coming up. (h.o.)

September 8 dream:  Peeing in outdoor glassed-in bathroom. Hope woman wasn’t offended by my peeing.

September 8 dream:  Little kid likes me. Holds my hand. Balcony collapses gradually. I take kid to safety.

September 7, 2019:  Took an hour nap. (*See dream below.) Figured out hawk eating prey from Sept. 4 relates to my call with Ben about my September 15 talk, I think. In ’til 3ish. Go to library. Mary is there for 10th anniversary. Walk to G.P. Angelique and Mae there. (*Mae relates to woman sitting on my lap from nap dream?) Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Shirtless guy rock climbing. Then dog with log in its mouth. Dead rat no longer in alley behind Mollie Stones. Steven at Safeway. I see him at deli section. He’s very happy. Then he is at checkout stand. I’m excited to check out with him. At last moment, surly young woman takes his place. Steve is still smiling. (*Relates to dead rat from hier, I think.) Trip and almost fall getting up from couch in p.m.

September 7 nap dream:  Talking about high school politics. Tom O. there. Talking about guy in Nancy’s class. Woman sits on my lap. It feels good.

September 7 dream:  Went back and picked up tape recorder guy. Tapes don’t work in the desert where we’re going.

September 6, 2019:  Ben in a.m. Take one hour nap. Walk to G.P. New barista at C.B. for 3rd day in a row. I comment on that. She gets defensive. Nasty black woman in yellow city community service vest sits next to me, talking on the phone and making all sorts of nasty noises. I imitate her. Finally she leaves. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mollie Stones Tower Market. 2 or 3 cute cashiers there. Walk to Mt.D. See big, freshly dead rat in alley behind Mollie Stones. Mt.D and home.

September 6 dream:   Sort of S&M play. I’m supposed to help other guy who is being attacked. Then several guys and some giggling women came through. Some guys are hung from meathooks. I’m relieved ’cause at least it looks realistic.

September 6 dream:  Wm. Fennie and I are both naked actors practicing a scene. Finally he agrees with me and he turns me around and starts fucking me. Some women accidentally look in and believe it’s real.

September 6 dream:  In movie, megaphone hooked up so whole school could hear guy having sex. Then it was over P.A. Then it stopped. Saw guy later. Asked him about it. He said he realized he could be happy where he was.

September 5, 2019:  Finish talk. Take two hour nap! In ’til 4ish. Walk to G.P. New barista at C.B. Walk to Muddy Waters on Valencia. Then Berniecrats meeting with Ben, Claire, Laksh, Jason, Barbara, Hemmei, etc. Shahid and Tom G. there as well. Pretty dark-skinned woman sitting next to me talked to me as if we were old friends. Kind of freaked me out a bit. #49 home. Two late night anonymous calls a little before 2 a.m.

September 5 dream:  Bootleg copy of Carol Burnett Show introduction showing Carol being friendly, funny, scary, etc.

September 4, 2019:  In ’til 1ish. Go to Rincon for two hours or so. Take BART to Glen Park. New barista there. She likes my “Bernie So Punk” T-shirt. Walk to Ocean Avenue. #29 home. Watch guy climbing into CCSF parking lot. He turns left and whips out his camera for something. I can’t imagine what so I follow in his footsteps. There is a hawk on top of a flat lamppost, eating his prey. Probably means something. We’ll see.

September 4 dream:  Want to give long-time revolutionaries a chance to bask in new facility (like Chase Center).

September 4 dream:  Did a temp job. Paid over $1,000 for one day of typing something. Nice woman employer.

September 4 dream:  J. is supposed to come over on Friday night at 8 p.m. for dinner. And then again on Saturday morning at 8 a.m. for something else. I wonder if he’ll just stay the night.

September 3, 2019:  In ’til 10:30 a.m. Appointment with Dr. Mebine for glasses. Really nice, smart, humble Asian woman doctor there. She says:  “Do you have any questions?” I think: “Are you married?” (*Relates to hard-on dream from last night?) Go to Peets West Portal. Then walk home via Mt.D. Little mouse on Mangels Avenue. Go to library. See Dakota on way back. He ignores me (because I asked out Jiro, his friend and co-worker?) Work at home. Take nap.

September 3 dream:  Hard-on dream about taking class. I’ve done none of the reading, ’cause I was busy doing other things over the weekend. Tom O. there.

September 3 dream:  Excuse myself from table which I really didn’t want to leave. Need to clean my ass. Go to hotel which is so dirty and scary. Then to mansion with spoiled children playing cruel games. Also woman trying to talk to me, when I finally find a bathroom.

September 3 dream:  Weekend of intense classes.

September 2, 2019:  Happy Labor Day or, as Jordan Chariton of Status Coup calls it, Happy Oligarch’s Day. Email from Fennie in a.m. about my proposal to rotate the deanship. He is angry and vituperative. Makes me think we hit home. Stayed in ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. C.B. crowded. Zeph there. Walk thru G.C.P. Cold and windy day. Then on to Mt.D. As I approach peak, white haired guy I felt I knew smiled at me as I am thinking about my September 15 talk. J. calls in p.m. Feel bad afterwards. (*Relates to hawks in G.C.P. and hawk at Mt.D. hier?) Insight: My desire to eat certain foods that I know will cause me pain is like my desire to answer the phone whenever it rings, although I know it will probably cause me pain as well. RHS my father in p.m. (*Relates to August 29 dream of a “final test”?)

September 2 dream:  Big hard-on dream. (*Relates to nice, cute female optometrist on 9/3?)

September 2 dream:  Go to N.Y. Don’t like it. Come home. They’re doing archeological dig in the Haight. Beautiful construction worker with thick lips. I look at him. He smiles. Then I see his twin brother. Later beautiful naked supervisor jumps into muddy pool of water. Others jump in after him.

September 1, 2019;  Bills and BB monthly update. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. He tells me about the ’80s movie “The Hitcher.” Also cute very young Japanese guy. (*Relates to distant hawks from hier?) Walk to G.C.P. Friendly black cat on the way. Some hawks overhead, louder and closer than hier. Guy running by smiles at me as I look at them. Hawk sitting on telephone pole on Mt.D. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Belonging, relatedness, connection, and acceptance is conditioned by family history. My conclusion: Truth is the only condition, the only conditioning, the only dwelling, the only dwelling place, all-accepting, all-agreeing, all-knowing and all that can be found out (all-history). Ballot for dean rotation sent out. I feel very good about it.

September 1 dream:  Start working on list of questions in law office for first time. Am taken away to do something else.

September 1 dream:  Two old women jostle in front of me in line. Then I wake up and everybody is gone to the next floor where there is an X’mas party. Carol C. there and her boyfriend Niles, who had kissed me earlier.

September 1 dream:  A very tall Tom C. and others walking out of resto. They don’t see me walking in.

August 31, 2019:  Listened to Roger Hallam, founder of Extinction Rebellion. Very moved. (*Relates to first dream of August 30?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. Also Walter. Some distant hawks at G.C.P. Two friendly pit bulls humping each other on Mt.D. Shits at Safeway. Myka and Steven there. Myka is taking 18 units at SFSU. Listened to Aretha in p.m.

August 30, 2019:  In ’til 1ish. Henry at library. I told him I had quit the History of China class that he took as well. K to Rincon. Tow hours at Rincon. Beautiful multi-racial guy sitting at table. I passed by him twice. The second time we made contact. F to Castro. Walk past The Cove and 440 Club to 19th & Castro. #35 to G.P. New barista at C.B. She told me she had a dream that she was working on the Bernie campaign. Waiting for #36, meet guy who works for “Plenty,” a hydroponic food company. I said, “You must have had to get all kinds of degrees for that.” he said, “No, I just interview well.” I believe it. Talk with Jesse at Monterey & Gennessee. He said he’s thinking of moving to Japan. #43 home. See “Surprises are coming” in p.m.

August 30 dream:  9/11 has just happened again. The fire chief won’t turn on the fire hose. And we need to get going.

August 30 dream:  Took vacation with bus load of people. Had to give up my apartment to do so. Now I’ve got to find new apartment.

August 29, 2019:  In ’til 2ish. #43 to Arizmendi Bakery. Then #37 to the Castro. Stop by The Cove to see Jiro. The place is empty. Jiro is at the cash register. He looks gorgeous. I ask him if he’d like to go out with me sometime. He doesn’t seem too thrilled. He says, “Maybe.” I give him my phone number. (*Relates to slipping hier on Mt.D.?) At least I had the balls to ask him out. Stop briefly at 440 Club after. (*See skunk from hier?) Then onto G.P. C.B. is filled so I walk thru G.C.P. Hear coyotes howling at passing sirens. Then stop at Starbucks Portola. Young h.s. student in line compliments me on my TYT T-shirt and my “Bernie” button. When he opened his wallet, I noticed his ACLU card and complimented him on that. Walk to Mt.D. and home.

August 29 dream:  Taking final test and they run out of paper and ask me if it’s a problem for me to get more. I say, “No.” So I’m out looking for blank paper and someone is talking to me about Billye Talmadge and what a “shooting star” she is. I have one half hour to finish test. Should be enough time.

August 29 dream:  Climb into sort of work prison. As I climb out, I say, “We are free.” Guy says to me: “Who’s free?” I say, “Anybody who wants to be.”

August 29 dream:  Continuing class with two black women and and one white guy. We are getting our food from a small fridge. Apparently I had all mine with me. Guy picks me up. It feels good.

August 28, 2019:  Tabling for Bernie at SFSU. Nobody shows up. I take M to Castro. Stop at The Cove. Order pancakes. My waiter was the same guy I saw hier. He says, without my asking anything, that Jiro won’t be in ’til tomorrow at 2 p.m. Take me and “Bernie” home via #35, #36 and #43. Work on BB. Take nap. Walk to Mt.D. Slip on way down. Then arrogant woman, and skunk running into the bushes. Guy at Ridgewood/Monterey bus stop same as guy from August 5. I imagined being fucked by him. It turned me on.

August 28 dream:  Taking special test for an elite group.

August 28 dream:  Guy as a joke puts four ear plugs in my right ear without my knowing it. I take them out.

August 28 dream:  Pretty woman with cute though motionless puppy tries to get on my good side.

August 27, 2019:  In ’til about 4:30ish, working on my Sept. 15 talk. Walk to Miramar and up to Mt.D. On way down, see mouse, hawk sitting on telephone pole, and skunk. Talk with Ryan at W.F., who had just dyed his hair a striking blond.

August 27 dream:  Working at job I didn’t understand.

August 26, 2019:  Bernie tabling at SFSU from 10 a.m. to noon with Heidi and “Hemming.” “Bernie” a big hit. Lots of gorgeous guys. Took M to the Castro to talk with Jiro. He wasn’t there. I’ll try again on Friday. Walk into 440 briefly just to give the old fogies a thrill. See Austin from Spikes on Castro. #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. #23 and #43 home. 30 minute fire drill at 4:55 p.m. Met Andrew from W.F. outside.

August 26 dream:  Washing dishes for Bernie campaign. Sups sort of dismissive.

August 26 dream:  Walk by J’s house. He has on red shirt. Then he is shirtless. He’s grown burly with a hairy back. His friend catches up to me on the sidewalk. He says that I’m an honorary member of the household. I said: “I’ve never been there.” He said: “You’ve got a bed. I made it.”

August 26 dream:  Sue Beck gives me envelope (from Thane?) at West Portal station. It says: “You’re going to win tonight.”

August 25, 2019:  Online H.W. Meeting at 9 a.m. About 13 attended. The big draw was my proposal to rotate the deanship every two years. Took nap after. Then walked to G.P. Zeph at C.B. I took his photo. Walked thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. to home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People are more driven by cult of personality (tribal loyalty) than by the love of truth. My conclusion: Leaders are those who love who/what they are (the Truth) and who know and show the Truth, the equality of personhood, welcoming all beliefs and believers with open arms.

August 25 dream:  My co-worker drafting up an Abatement and a Statement of Non-Recurrence about something. In fact, four of them.

August 25 dream:  Dream of the word “pilas” (which means dick in Portuguese; also plural of pilum, a sort of Roman javelin).

August 25 dream:  Policeman being sued on a shopping list of accounts.

August 25 dream:  In Paris, trying to register for classes. I’m with guy who doesn’t really want to be there. It starts raining. Guy says to baby girl: “I have most of my classes.” Baby girl: “Give me back my computer doll.” Guy: “That dog is a lot smarter than your computer doll.”

August 25 dream:  Looking at photo of naked guy with tan line in a room full of clothed people. Two guys come in my bedroom. One from the window, one from the door. One short, one tall. I’m scared stiff. I weakly throw my alarm clock at the short one. Then at the taller one. It’s raining outside. Big cat runs through. We chase it. Old woman next door says that the men have entered her place before. And that they have some sort of problem.

August 24, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walked to G.P. Went to C.B. No one there. I waited several minutes for a barrista/o. Finally Angelique appeared. But by then I had decided to go to the Castro instead and try to get in touch with Jiro. So I get on #35 to visit Jiro at The Cove. Manager was outside cleaning tables when I arrived and he told me Jiro was working in the back this weekend and that he’d be in the front in a couple of weeks. (*Relates to 2nd dream of August 24?) So I walked down Castro to Spikes. Guy I didn’t know said hello to me. I looked at him. He said: “I just wanted to say hello.” Then Spikes was too crowded so I took #35 back to C.B. Angelique still there. Less crowded though. Walked to Safeway. Was going to stop by Jun’s but he wasn’t in. See Myka and Steven at Safeway. Myka talks about the dead Koch brother. I talked about Bernie.

August 24 dream:  Al greeting other Prosperos with hugs. Me more formally. Someone suggests an office of Translator-in-Chief which would be what future generations would look to.

August 23, 2019:  Volunteer for Bernie at 11 a.m. We get our posts right away. Then just stand around ’til 3:15 when town hall started. It was held at the former Honda dealership which was the former home of Fillmore West before it was moved to Fillmore and Geary. When program started I stood between two hot guys eyeing each other throughout. Cute Asian guy after. He was wearing a red T-shirt but wanted to buy a blue T-shirt. I said to him: “I think you’re a red.” Then he tried to buy his T-shirt from me. I said: “No. I’m just a color commentator.” Then take K to Castro. Get off at Laguna to follow cute guy in green. Then walk to Castro. Stop by Cove to talk to Dakota. Then start talking to his workmate. He walks out. I follow him. Try to speak Spanish and he tells me his name is Jiro (pronounced “hero”). I say: “I’ll stop by again.” (*Relates to dream of August 22?) Then to G.P. and C.B. Then #36 home. Etc.

August 23 dream:  Dream woman leaves her baby with us at Bernie event at former Fillmore West.

August 23 dream:  Go to work on my day off. Building is about to be evacuated.

August 22, 2019:  K to Rincon. Beautiful but inscrutable guy sitting across from me. I wanted to tear his clothes off and fuck him. The idea excited me. Was going to Rincon but decided to go to Berkeley instead. Then decided to go to Rockridge. Meet Malakhi on train. (He gave me his card.) He’s a gorgeous high school grad who told me all about his non-profit to help students in Puerto Rico. He’s flying there on Monday. Went all the way to Pleasant Hill. Then doubled-back to Rockridge. Get a little lost on College Avenue. Significant eye contact with passing stranger. Stop by by Peets. See guy wearing T-shirt with “C.I.T.” on the back. Read my papers. Then walk to downtown Berkeley. Find Revolution Books. Then go to cafe on Durant. Decide not to go to George Washington panel at Revolution Books. Miss first AC bus to city. Car drives by with pile of white guys yelling the N-word at the black people hanging out on the bench behind me. AC bus arrives at new Transbay Terminal. Kind of anti-climactic. Guy on K. Then 2nd guy on K on way home. Henry at W.F. Letter from Sonoma BMR apts. Thought it was an acceptance letter. Instead, it was only an acknowledgement letter.

August 22 dream:  Looking at line of barely clad blond man in bondage at prison. One was loose and the overseer tried to convince him he had an oblation to the state.

August 21, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. and then Mt.D. Then W.F. Follow cute guy to egg dept. I was about to talk to him when I noticed he had ear plugs on. Then felt bad for not talking to him. Waiting in line at W.F. cafe, even cuter guy with muscle T-shirt (and the muscles to match) and shorts. He had ear plugs in as well and was texting someone, but I interrupted him anyhow. He had a cauliflower ear so I asked if he was a wrestler. He said he used to be. Now he’s a rookie policeman. I said: “That’s not the new uniform, is it?” He laughed. Then called me “Sir.” Insight: I love my father but I’ve been trying to get away from him forever. (*Relates to Harriet first dream of Aug. 19, I think.)

August 21 dream:  My place of work has been remodeled. I’m looking for a restroom. Go into place called “Little Boys Room.” It’s a sort of barbershop filled with men, mostly of color. Hallway is filled with people (also mostly of color) leaving work.

August 21 dream:  Did something wrong but wasn’t fessing up to the people driving the car from one end of the peninsula to the other.

August 20, 2019:  Dental appt. at 10 a.m. Then walk thru the Castro to Spikes. Austin there. Bought T-shirt. Waited for #35 at 19th & Castro. Took off my shirt and put on my new T-shirt. #35 to G.P. Meet new barristo at C.B. Very cute, likable, sweet SFSU student trying to get into their psychology program. #23 and #43 home. Worked on Sept. 15 talk and Powerpoint. Walk to Mt.D. and back. Looked at the word “willful.”

August 20 dream:  Dream I’m late for work. It’s 11:30 a.m. My apt. is water logged and the door and lock automatically pop open. And co-worker says I have spots on my forehead.

August 20 dream:  Event at Saratoga house. Hanz leaves in his one person car. I’m sorry to see him go. Harriet and Obe there. I think: “I’m 74. Why am I still living in my father’s house?”

August 19, 2019:  Bernie tabling at CCSF opening day from 10 a.m. to noon with Patrick and young woman whose name I forgot. History of China class at 1:10 p.m. About all 18- y-o Chinese-American kids. Pretty much decided not to continue ’til I encountered guy afterwards who related to the hawk I saw hier at G.C.P. Go home. Walk to G.P. New barista at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P to Mt.D. and Home. See Isaiah at W.F. I joke: “So how are things with the Old Testament?” He says: “Oh, because of my name?” I say: “Yeah. Maybe you should read it. Maybe there’s a message in there for you.”

August 19 dream:  A moment of honesty in my relationships. I am left admiring Harriet, of all people. I smile at her. She says: “Do you want some gum?” I say: “Sure.” (h.o.)

August 19 dream:  In new city. Walking by steep wall. Train comes by. I want to continue walking.

August 18, 2019: Ben’s Translation workshop at 11 a.m. Wonderful. About 19 attended. Then when I left home about 3ish realized I had lost my little portable camera. So I Translated “loss.” Then walked to G.P. Decided to stop by all the places I had stopped by hier, even the liquor store where I bought a newspaper. And midway thru asking, store clerk reached behind the counter and gave me my camera back. I had dropped it on the floor hier. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk on the way. Then to Mt.D. Large black poodle sniffed my crouch rather than the bag I was carrying as most dogs do. Still high from Translation workshop. Walk to W.F. Then follow guy on bike I thought might have been my linguist friend from Aug. 16. Run into extremely well-built Asian guy and his girlfriend on Ocean. He seemed to insist that I notice him. So I did. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Dominating people dismiss others which keeps principle from manifesting. My conclusion: Truth is the first and only Principle underlying the undismissable equality of goodness and importance self-evident in the manifestation of Oneness exemplified everywhere.

August 18 dream:  One of the family employees lets two of the children in a car loose on a steep road, but charged after and got them. I said to her: “Welcome to my side of the family.”

August 18 dream:  We are invited into pool where we are threatened by Japanese dolls. One woman says: “That makes an excellent pet.”

August 17, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Korean guy at liquor store recommends Berlioz’s Requiem. Angelique at C.B. Cute well-built Asian guy comes in and in goes out. Also guy with Kamasi Washington T-shirt. Walk thru G.C.P. Shits at Mollie Stones. On to Mt.D. Then Myka and Steven at Safeway. Talk with Myka about Hong Kong. Talk with young man on #43 home about TYT and Jimmy Dore.

August 17 dream:  Dealing with officious, then helpful, then officious lady at office which had been partially destroyed.

August 17 dream:  Worried about possibly overlapping appointments.

August 16, 2019:  Anonymous calls at 7 a.m. and 8 a.m. Take K downtown. Meet cute linguist reading “Don’t sleep: There are snakes.” When we part, he says, “It was nice meeting you.” And he touched my shoulders. (*Relates to “total success” from August 14?) 101 with John F. Two hours at Rincon. Cute guy with tight white shorts, lifted his sweater which was wrapped around his waist to reveal his amazing ass. F to Castro. Then #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. #23 and #43 home.

August 16 dream:  Want to go home and tell everyone about my progress. My boss advises me to stay here.

August 16 dream:  Thane disciplines me. I thought: “I’m never going to allow you to do that to me again.” Then I try to put out ember.

August 15, 2019:  In ’til 1ish. Walked to Barbara & Noel’s to pick up “Bernie.” Noel drove us home. Call from someone claiming to be from the Bernie Sanders Washington, D.C., headquarters, thanking me for contributing to the campaign. Cartoonishly hot, hot guy outside my back door. I felt lustful, but not in a good way. Usually lusting after somebody is fun, especially if they are enjoying being lusted after. But this guy wasn’t, though he was certainly dressed to attract attention. Walked to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Hot day. Walked thru G.C.P. Tripped on log. Cut hand after cruising skateboarder. Went into Starbucks to wash hand. Walk to Mt.D. and then to W.F. Cute gay guy smiles at me as I enter W.F. 2 or 3 anonymous calls from disgruntled caller.

August 15 dream:  Filling out end of year (end of job?) insurance firms.

August 14, 2019:  Meet with Ben online about his upcoming Translation workshop. Joe comes in at the end. Several calls in the a.m. relate to hawks from hier at G.C.P.? Take nap. In ’til 4ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Little girl and mother(?) come in just as I’m leaving. Walk thru G.C.P. about an hour later than usual. Cyclist at O’Shaughnessy and Portola relates to shirtless runner from hier at C.G.P.? Guy with saw in left hand and shovel in right hand walking down the middle of the road says to me: “Good afternoon.” Friendly old guys on top of Mt.D. Then black woman in Army camo outfit with U.S. flag. Followed by camera crew.

August 14 dream:  Harriet and Nancy and Laurie and I visit Santa Cruz. I stay with Bill Floyd (Bill Fortis). He asked about my 9/20 blanket. I told him we got rid of that on the first day.

August 14 dream:  Out at fancy place for dinner with someone (Tom O.?). I was worried I was spending too much.

August 13, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then to G.P. Angelique at C.B. Cute little girl (and her mother?) sitting next to me. I say good-bye to her when I leave. Hawks at G.C.P. See “total success” on way to get haircut with Jun. He said he’s going to China for a month in November. Then on to N.Y. October 28 is his last day. I told him I was going to take a course on the history of China. He said I should learn Chinese instead.

August 13 dream:  Asking Jean Evans about music DVD I had checked out before but didn’t understand.

August 12, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Angelique at C.B. Scary-looking black homeless guy comes in. I make decision that if he does anything to her I would defend her. He asks for water. Angelique helps him. Hawks in G.C.P. Shirtless runner on G.C.P. path. I ogle him. He smiles back. My W.F. friend ignores me again. (*See diary of August 8.) Two or three guys and one gal at W.F. cafe. We had 86 clicks hier on the BB.

August 12 dream:  Trying out for SNL. Don’t have many lines. Other actors are weird rather than funny.

August 12 dream:  Saying goodbye to Chris H. Tom C. impressing people.

August 12 dream:  Getting ready for big talk or something.

August 11, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. See Jared (*from diary of April 1) on Ocean Avenue. I hardly recognized him. He looked bad. He didn’t recognize me. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. Shits at G.C.P. Walk to Mt.D. Fallen tree on path. Cute house painters on way down. (*Relates to guy from hier on Bella Vista?) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Debt can be misrepresented and inflated such that it causes victimization. My conclusion: Truth, the only premise, the only conclusion, presents its presents/presence presently, by committing Truth, openly, flawlessly and uninflatably, its only obligation being to Itself.

August 11 dream:  REO Speedwagon and labor unions.

August 10, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Guy walking down Bella Vista Drive. Looks back at me and adjusts his pants. Then Safeway. Then home. Insight: My “right to chocolate” is a substitute for my “right to sex.”

August 10 dream:  Try to put ___ into muffin and throw it outside. Now the dog wants the muffin. I fight to get it away. Wake up.

August 9, 2019:  Tough night last night. In ’til 3ish. When I got up to leave, had a tremendous pain in my left side. Made it painful to walk. Walked to G.P anyhow. Zeph at C.B. By the time I left the pain was gone. Realized later that the pain related to Facebook comment from somebody who thought my mentioning two young guys butt-bumping each other and the shits I had the day before as well as two hawks playing with each other at G.C.P., also on the day before, was “gross.” This may have also related to the tough nite I had last nite. I went over all kinds of possible responses to this person but finally realized she wasn’t really interested in what I was trying to describe. I don’t know what her intention was, but it no longer interested me. Emergency shits at Mollie Stones. Talked with Derek again. Mt.D. Home.

August 9 dream:  Visiting my parents. Invite them to L’Chaine d’Or at movie house in L.A. It’s about how to do movie lettering. And then on the second night, there is something related. They sound interested.

August 8, 2019:  Go over to Barbara’s from Berniecrats to get wood frame for “Bernie.” Walk from Ingleside to Arizmendi on 9th Avenue. Woman on N said she was going to stand by me. I said: “I’ll only be here a short while.” She said: “That’s okay.” I asked her if she was from Texas. She said, “Yes.” Peets Cole Street. Baristo had “Christian” name tag on. I said, “Are you Christian?” He said, “No, I’m wearing this for somebody else. I want to give him some cred.” I said, “I’m sure you will.” Later found out his name is “Royale.” #43 home. My W.F. friend (*see diary of July 23) ignores me. I flirt with two “exchange workers” from W.F. San Mateo on way out. Hear “carpe diem” again on TV. MSM book: Hope there’s a “happy ending” in at least two senses of that term.

August 8 dream:  Me getting very emotional about woman about to leave.

August 8 dream:  Living at larger Vantaggio Suites. Lots of cute young men there. I was living on the 9th floor. I play evil old guy with two older women.

August 8 dream:  Rushing all over the house for a belt that fits me.

August 7, 2019:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Cute guy at Super Duper. Two hours at Rincon. Then walk thru Castro with “Bernie.” See “Carpe Diem” on Castro. Talked with cute street performer at 18th & Castro. Jordan at C.B. My pants rub against the back of my legs and remind me of extreme sexual memory/feeling while waiting at Bosworth and Diamond. Guy passing noticed and seemed to want to take part. (*Relates to flood dream of August 5, I think.) #36 and #43 home. Think I’ve solved my YouTube framing problem.

August 7 dream:  Marcia is in a prison cell with the door open. She warns me to get away. She doesn’t recognize me. I say, “Marcia, It’s Michael.” “Michael?” she says. We embrace. Others are affected by the therapeutic moment. (h.o.)

August 7 dream:  Young William Fennie shows me maraschino cherry in his mouth. “It’s for people who want to suck on something.”

August 6, 2019:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Peets Cole Street. Then to Berniecrats meeting at Page Street library. Patrick there. Also Barbara, Winnie, Ben. Met Eric recently from Austin. Cute guy with baby in library before. Reminded me of Eric Newton.

August 6 dream:  Something about Trump.

August 5, 2019:  Worked on video of MSM, Chapter 1. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Shits (again) at G.C.P. At end of park, two high school kids playing with each other, the short one bumping butts with the taller one (*Relates to two hawks playing with each other hier at G.C.P., I think.) Continue walk to Mt.D. Rat scurries across my path suddenly and quickly. Freaks me out a bit. Then at Ridgewood/Monterey bus stop, middle-aged Latino guy chats me up. Didn’t realize it ’til a little later. (*Relates to shits of hier and also hawk on Mt.D. from hier, I presume.)

August 5 dream:  I am woman in skirt guy is getting hard over. Then I am guy listening to woman say: “I’ve slept with both sexes. I don’t see what’s so exciting about sleeping with a woman.” (h.o.)

August 5 dream:  Make date to meet woman at Christian Science Sunday Meeting .

August 5 dream:  TV guy announcing storm. Suddenly water level is window-high and he cuts off. Water is blue, not muddy.

August 5 dream:  Leigh is driving and she drives over steep ridge. Says it will slowly take us down and it does, but it’s not fun. Then to apt. of her friend who is having a party. Aunt Joanne there. Looks great. I compliment her on her hair. She likes that. Other woman who I had met before tells me how full of “chi” she feels. I ask her what that means. Marion Bell there also, involved in new play. I say: “It’s good to keep busy.”

August 5 dream:  Bernie supporters stop by while I’m sorting my files. They are excited about how well he is doing. I give one a jazz L.P. I keep the other L.P.

August 4, 2019:  Trustees meeting at 9 a.m. Pretty good meeting. Take nap after. Then in ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Two hawks playing with each other in the sky. On to Mt.D. Feel progressively “shittier.” Turn back to take emergency shits at Starbucks Portola. Hawk on Mt.D. Something loudly falls into the bushes. Volunteered to give Sunday Meeting talk on September 15. My title: “The Ontological Foundation of the United States of America.” Get home to blank phone message from 6:02 p.m. (*Relates to shits from hier, I guess.) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Absconding undermines rule of law and creates victims. My conclusion: Truth, being lawful, predictable, repeatable, accountable, constant, un-underminable, all out in the open, always wins. Insight: “You’ve got to pay for it or it’s not worth anything.”

August 4 dream:  Dream of trying to get room to lay down and go to sleep.

August 4 dream:  Mary Ritley in Chicago. I give her a card. I can’t find her so give it to a work mate. He says: “I’ve just sat down” but he helps me anyway.

August 4 dream:  Last day in Corvallis. Try to buy local paper but they’re out. Buy Sunday Chronicle instead. And borrow Bar-B-Q ’til tomorrow. Cute salesman climbs over counter.

August 3, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Forgot my pen so no crossword puzzle. Walk thru G.C.P. Feel “shittier” and “shittier.” Take emergency shits at Mollie Stones Portola around 5 p.m. Meet Derek at checkout counter. Then on to Safeway. Myka there. Good to see him again. Also Steven. As I was leaving, security guards seem to be on high alert about something.

August 3 dream:  My neighbor is getting dressed casually so we can go and confront somebody about something.

August 3 dream:  Aunt Joanne is sick. Newspaper pictured all the people that were sick and took photos. In the photos all the people were laying in open coffins. I was glad the photo was not in the newspaper. Aunt Joanne showed me card from somebody in South Africa. Aunt Joanne doodling in French. I cut off a piece of her cardboard card with a knife. Not sure why I did that.

August 2, 2019:  6 a.m. fire alarm. I don’t think anybody in the building fell for it. Go to VA for 2:20 p.m. appointment. Then walk thru G.G.P. to 9th Avenue. Beautiful, unexpected man at Balboa and 38th Avenue. He was with a group of young men and women, maybe from some European country. Originally I was interested in somebody else, but this guy caught my eye and vice versa. RHS my father and me for our “moment of confusion” in his bedroom. Then got call for John Pinkerton again. Girl asks me: “Why are you playing with me?” I say: “Because I’m an idiot.” Girl at S.F. Botanical Garden liked my “Frisco” shirt and like me as well. N to Peets Cole Valley. Cute baristo there. #43 home.

August 1, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry at library said he didn’t like the instructor of the History of China course he took and I’m going to take at CCSF. Walk to G.P. Woman gives me come-on look at grocery store on way. Zeph at C.B. Two women sitting next to me made me feel desirable/uncomfortable. Lost two pieces of mail on the way there so I retraced my steps. Found them in the street on San jose Avenue. Decide to just go home. Stop by W.F. first. Guy in line with his girlfriend smiles at me. So does security guard on way out.

August 1 dream:  In basement mall full of people, cute guy I sort of knew who was with another guy touches me on the chest and says, “Have sex.” I said, “Okay.” Then I followed him out. Smiled excitedly at other guy I knew. Then lost them. Keep arriving at deli in which everybody sings and dances like a musical.

August 1 dream:  At school party somebody pointed out so-called healthy cookies “for me and the mister.”

August 1 dream:  Doing flower arrangement at work. Get note from lady at 40 Jones Street wishing me well.

July 31, 2019:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Then two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. Meet nice Chinese woman who likes “Bernie.” Walk with “Bernie” thru the Castro. #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. #23 and #43 home. On #43 meet guy from Norway who says I’d be very welcome to visit there. Blank message from 4:33 p.m. when I get home. Don’t know why my secret admirer doesn’t just leave me an F-ing message.

July 31 dream:  Working on campaign. Call one of my friends an asshole for ringing the bell and then not really wanting to come in . (h.o.)

July 31 dream:  Re-enter the Navy as a Seaman 2nd class. Someone tries to say that Kamala Harris provided a lot of jobs. I correct them.

July 31 dream:  Return home after vacation with Tom O., another guy and a girl who liked me. We put all my stuff in a “summer room.” Girl went thru my passport to make sure everything was there.

July 31 dream:  Judi Dench and I are in park outside of S.F. called Acacia (which Judi says means ten birth). It’s very beautiful. Guy throws frisbees and other things. I think, when I get married I would like to do it there, maybe. Another park nearby which looked familiar. Robin Williams joins us at the end.

July 31 dream:  A work, but wanted to play with little baby with hardly any legs. Womanish man was practicing her singing.

July 30, 2019:  Taped Chapter 1 of my book My Soul Mates. In ’til 3ish. Avalon office manager says I’m good for another year. Henry at library. I mentioned that I would be taking History of China at CCSF. He said he took that course as well. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Winded dog climbing steps to Mt.D. (with cute owner). When I reach base of Mt.D., woman asks me, “Is everything okay? Is it too wet?” Two cats on fence on Coventry Lane.

July 30 dream:  At party, guy asks me if I can get him an interview with Bernie. I say, “I know a few people.” I eat a big slab of meat. John H. there also.

July 30 dream:  Suzanne Deakins dropped by with a friend of mine who had asked me to take one of her “shorting” classes. We talked about the wonderful progressive things they are doing in Canada.

July 30 dream:  Max Gill is name of publisher in my book. Elizabeth Warren is helping me with it. We’re in building in Chicago. Lots of cold leakage stirred up in closet just rained down on us.

July 30 dream:  In L.A., trying to take #9 bus. Two pass me by. I reach municipal bus station Lots of coins on the ground keep appearing. I buy tickets. Beautiful big private pool in background.

July 29, 2019:  In a.m., thinking about fucking John H. Get anonymous call. Later jerk off. More anonymous calls. Walk to Mt.D. Then Teresita. Get lost. Finally arrive at G.P. Angelique at C.B. Electricity is off. Cute guy at C.B. talks to me about Bernie. #23 and #43 to W.F. Then home. Insight: Feel I didn’t have the right to grieve my mother’s murder.  Me to my step-mother: You took away not only my father, but my lover.

July 29 dream:  Different aspects of America were paraded by. Liberals were quiet during the “strong” portion.

July 29 dream:  At retirement home, trying to find place to pee.

July 29 dream:  Go back to place of party of the weekend before. Jody Vanda with me. We’re at the port. Jody wants to talk to captain of nearby vessel. He and I had a history. I forgot to bring my ticket.

July 28, 2019:  H.W. Meeting at 9 a.m. Hard night before. Meeting went well. (*Relates to dream of July 27, I think.) Take nap after. In ’til 3ish. Walk thru W.F. to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Siamese cat runs away from me on Amethyst. Stop at Mollie Stones Portola. Sweet young man there helps me find Greek salad. (*Relates to shits and hawk from hier?) On to Mt.D. Friendly cat plays with my shoe laces on Juanita. #43 right away. Walk thru W.F. again. Cute young dark-haired friend there. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Individuals and communities have no power when boundaries are not valued. My conclusion: Truth is the only Individual, our only commonality, always at hand, and boundless. Insight: I never stood up to my mother, either.

July 28 dream:  There is no third way to Trump.

July 28 dream:  Waiting in line at cafe. Meet cute black guy I had had class with. Then wait a long time. Then Heather shows up as a worker there. I say: “Are you a part of this?”

July 27, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Emergency shits there about 4 p.m. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk midway through. On to Mt.D. My pants rip as I lean down to get $1 for homeless guy. Then to Safeway. (*Bump on the head from hier relates to the Deli Dept. being closed. I flared in anger.) #43 bus right away. Get to my apt. entryway. See interesting guy walk into W.F. Follow him. Can’t find him. But do find other interesting guy. We exchange glances. Then, later, I feel bad about it. (*Relates to nail from hier? “If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” In other words, I always question myself after such encounters.)

July 27 dream:  Guy drives car over ridge and kills himself and others. Bill O’Reilly comes in saying Christ has cancer. Barking dog is soothed. (*Relates to High Watch meeting on July 28 a.m., I think.)

July 26, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. As I leave we exchange looks. (*Relates to young black & white hawk on G.C.P. from hier, I think.) Then on G.C.P., get one ring call and return call and leave message. (*Relates to two hawks hier at end of G.C.P, I think.) Bump head in G.C.P. Also see nail on step at G.C.P. Walk to Mt.D. Young black dog being held back by her young owners. Dog is afraid of me. Walk home.

July 26 dream:  New generation of managers at work. I try to get out of meeting but am forced to attend and listen.

July 26 dream:  Preparing for big political event. Then we go into church where event will be held. I think I’d like to take public transit home but I’ll probably end up with somebody giving me a ride.

July 26 dream:  Run into Michael Kelly at Safeway on outer Mission. We talk. Then he walks away. I walk after him. He’s got patches on his eyes. I realize he can’t see me. I ask him if he wants a hug. We hug.

July 25, 2019:  Jerk off about 2 p.m. Get phone call before and during. (*Relates to last dream of July 23, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Also cute smiling Asian guy I sat next to. And Mario Lopez look-alike who sat near me, then moved away. Walk thru G.C.P. Young black & white hawk flies overhead. As I exit park, two hawks overhead. Follow cute guy into Pop’s Sandwich Shop near Mollie Stones’ Portola. Then to Miraloma Market. He turns left and gives $1 to homeless guy. So do I. Continue on to Mt.D. and home. Break dish in p.m.

July 25 dream:  In Paris, I was telling my friend that it reminds me of S.F. That looking towards the hills of Marin is like looking towards Madrid. My guy friend had to run off somewhere. My girlfriend was mad at me.

July 24, 2019:  101 with John F. from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. See my Asian friend. Also guy who looked alluring, then turned out not to be. I grabbed my ass as I walked away. Cute, hot guy at Super Duper who I wolf-whistled at. He didn’t seem to mind. Then Rincon ’til 3ish. L to Castro. Beautiful day. I’m carrying “Bernie” with me all day. So I get all kinds of smiles, honks, etc. On Castro talked to two sort of mentally-challenged young men. One supported Biden. The other in front of 19th & Castro store. #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. He’s anxious to get to Friday so he can drive to L.A. to see his girlfriend. #23 to Railroad Expresso. Talk to Jesse briefly. Then #43 home. Still feel badly about Rick’s email response to me which I felt revealed his real loyalties to the status quo rather than to the school.

July 24 dream:  Make chocolate frappes. First batch didn’t go so well.

July 23, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Seemed a little tired. Walk thru G.C.P. Cute guy with big fat black dog who jumped up on me. On to Mt.D. Another younger thinner black dog jumps on me. Walk to W.F. Black guy on Frida Kahlo. At W.F. I talk to my friend from July 1 and before. He gives me health drink on the house. (*Relates to hawk from hier at G.C.P.?) Skunk from hier relates to response from Rick Thomas to my email about becoming a trustee: “And Yep, will keep you in mind for the next vacancy.”

July 23 dream:  Big poodle sitting on my lap, breathing on me under my shirt as I get ready to read part in old-fashioned play.

July 23 dream:  Figuring out payment for house. First payment is $800 per month

July 23 dream:  “Happy O Night” (“O” refers to orgasm.) Partners have orgasms separately.

July 22, 2019:  Anonymous 3-ring wake-up call at 9:15 or so. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Guy at liquor store says to me: “I know you’re handsome, but …” That undid me. Angelique at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to Amethyst Way. See hawk overhead. Talk with neighbor about the hawk family. Hot guy going into Mollie Stones Portola. I circle around the block to follow him. Stand behind him while he looks at muffins. He ignores me. Meet Pixie the dog and her owner on top of Mt.D. I almost trip and fall on leaving her. Skunk on path down. Guy on #43 talking excitedly to bus driver about healing through sound. I had met guy a few times before while passing out Bernie lit with Patrick at CCSF. Guy also ignored me. Stand up for God in my head when somebody online or in movie is critical.

July 22 dream:  Hard-on dream.

July 22 dream:  Tiger in the mall parking lot. Makes a half-hearted attempt on dog.

July 22 dream:  I cross tracks to get pieces of old box. Two others came competing for it, one a scientologist.

July 22 dream:  Tough black guy going after somebody. Then black dominatrix goes after him. Bernie in jeans sitting on bench waiting to go someplace.

July 22 dream:  Visiting old lady. Think I should go home [and I wake up].

July 21, 2019:  William Fennie in a.m. meeting. I felt such love for him, it was unnerving, ’cause usually I can’t stand him. Hot Asian guy liked my Bernie T-shirt at liquor store on way to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Take higher path at G.C.P. Two hawks overhead. Beautiful Asian guy waiting at #36 stop on Fowler Avenue. We made significant eye contact. On to Mt.D. Translation group in p.m. Ben G. joins us. Sense testimony: Family can be needed. Family can be painful. Family can be present or absent. My conclusion: Truth dwells everywhere in a family/household of perfect, harmonious, effortless formation, with only masters (no slaves) and lacking only absence.

July 21 dream:  Moving in with new roommate. He’s spotting me some money ’til I get moved in.

July 20, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. Good to see him again. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Bad smelling old man standing next to me for far too long. Walk on upper path of G.C.P. to Mt.D. Then to Safeway. Steven smiles in spite of himself when he sees me. Later he tries to ignore me. Myka there for the first time in many weeks. He has sore throat. Beautiful guy with dimples smiles at me as I exit #43. Then see Isaiah sitting outside W.F. as I enter home.

July 20 dream:  Bernie support in Paris.

July 20 dream:  Picking up herbal supplies for the month and days to come.

July 20 dream:  Guy trying to make his get away. Bob M. witnesses him. Guy throws unused milk into coffee tray.

July 20 dream:  Replanting trees in Washington state. Michelle Obama there.

July 19, 2019:  Get anonymous call while fantasizing about Saw actor Leigh Whannel. In ’til 1ish. Go to Rincon for two hours or so. Me: “I should be able to have that chocolate bar.” My body: “Not so fast, hot shot.” Then F to Castro. Guy on F who was apparently straight. Then young man on Castro working for Doctors without Borders. Then stop by the Cove to talk with Dakota. After, see my Doctors without Borders guy again. Meet cute friendly neighborhood guy at 19th & Castro. He and I and third person strike up quite a conversation about Muni. Go to G.P. Three German guys on #35. Two men of color. The third one accidentally kicks me on exiting. Angelique at C.B. Listening to Dreamville rap. Forgot my credit card at the checkout place. Fellow patron returned it to me. At Monterey and Gennessee, woman called out to me. She said, “Muni won’t be coming. They’re always late. I can drive you to Glen Park if you want.” I declined as I was going the other way. Then talked briefly with Jesse at Railroad Expresso. Then Pakwan resto. Then home.

July 19 dream:  Group of us trying to fall asleep and stay asleep in two different rooms. Some wake up. Police come in. (h.o.)

July 19 dream:  Anti-crime convention. We competed for best song.

July 19 dream:  Caught up at work. They said I should watch a film on the island of Geronimo.

July 19 dream:  Group of us climb to top of my apartment building on Market. When we get to top, Elizabeth Warren gives us pills to replenish us after a lot of crying.

July 18, 2019:  One year anniversary of this blog. Bernie tabling at CCSF with Patrick from 10:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. Many beautiful guys walking by. Home ’til 3ish. Call Jackie Speier to thank her for voting for Al Green’s impeachment bill. Call Pelosi to berate her for not voting for it. Got angrier than I thought I would. Then Arizmendi and Peets Cole Valley. #43 home. 2 or 3 beautiful guys in the back of the bus. Touching legs with Asian guy on exiting. Go to resto on Ocean. Liked the manager. The food not so much.

July 18 dream:  Introduce my aide Cookie to my grandmother and some other woman at  conference/assembly of my relatives and my work associates.

July 17, 2019:  Thought of jerking off in the a.m. Then got anonymous call. 101 today from 11:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. Brought “Bernie” with me. Then take F to Castro. See guy with ouija board lunch box. On the side it said, “Yes.” Wasn’t sure what that referred to, but probably something to do with my friend John H. #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Wait for #23. Obnoxious Latino guy joked with me when bus arrived. Home ’til 5ish. Walk to Mt.D. and back home. Rude barrista followed by cute guy at W.F. cafe. Cute Asian guy at elevator home.

July 17 dream:  Somebody wants me to be at Laurel Hotel tomorrow at 1 p.m. to counsel somebody.

July 17 dream:  Rush to take meditation class at last moment.

July 16, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk G.C.P. on upper path. Hear hawks. Also shadow of a hawk flies over me. Mt.D. RHSing my father. Realized for first time maybe I was the aggressor in Dad’s bed. No wonder I’m always punishing myself. “Emergency call” on my phone.

July 16 dream:  Looking for guy’s pea coat and can’t find it. Sales seem brisk at the store, however.

July 15, 2019:  See “back issues” online. Perhaps I have back issues because of back issues. In ’til 2ish. Meet Alan Blackman at Spikes. See Walter at Walgreens on the way. Alan gave me his (our) cartoon about Bernie. As I excitedly left for P.O. Plus, ran across cute motorcyclist at 19th & Castro and chatted him up for half a block. (*Relates to young hawks on G.C.P. from hier?) Walk up Market to G.C.P. and then G.P. Jordan at C.B. Talk to guy wearing full-length skirt on #23. When I said good-bye, he said, “Thank you.” Got home and worked on cartoon with Photoshop.

July 15 dream:  Getting ready to start my day. Got very tired. See someone at the door. It’s Livia. She’s mad ’cause I forgot she was coming over. Elliott D. also there. He says he knows how to take care of one of my problems. I say, “Thanks.” He said, “That’s what’s good about you. You accept people’s help in all different areas. Livia’s only interested in one area of your life.”

July 15 dream:  Something about DemocracyNow dedication on board ship.

July 15 dream:  Tom and I and Nannie’s other younger son by another man (our half-uncle?) talking at back of crowded train. Many are off-boarding to get on a bus, but we’re having a nice conversation about something.

July 15 dream:  Nannie comes by to put me pick me up. I explain to my friend I was raised as a Christian Scientist and I’d never taken a pill as a kid. Nannie was anxiously looking through my bag and wanted to take some of my pills though she didn’t know what they were for.

July 14, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Go to library, but have to return home for “emergency shits.” Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru C.G.P., but on higher path than usual. Run into guy sitting on steps. He smiles at me. It was only later when I was on Mt.D. that I realized he was coming on to me. (*Relates to hawk from hier on Mt.D.? Realize that guy from hier was also probably coming on to me.) Immediately after, two young hawks circling closely and loudly near me. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Logistics of managing belongings may become more difficult during transitions. My conclusion: Truth is an infinitely complex operation involving infinite people, infinite facilities and infinite supplies, all harmoniously and effortlessly operating and dependent on/belonging to Truth.

July 14 dream:  Start new job. They want to reach 2,400 people. It’s lunch time. Guy says I should eat. I think: “I know how to have lunch.”

July 14 dream:  Fat lady actress in red dress slips and falls down road. She still tries to answer MC’s question. Her red dress has fallen off. I am walking behind her. Later (in a follow-up dream) she says:  “You will get together.”

July 14 dream:  Little fire outside house where we were. I went across town to get a bucket of water. Then it all dripped out. Saw Euro-Disneyland on the way. Also guy who knows me.

July 13, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Work on book. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Two hawks at G.C.P. They talked with each other. Then both landed in the same group of trees (*Relates to messaging with Carolyn Gopalan on FB on Jly 14?) Friendly though serious guy at top of Mt.D. Red-tailed hawk on Mt.D. Safeway: No Myka. No Steven. Got in line behind cute guy I walked across the store to smile at earlier. Then saw sign saying the checkout line was closed. So I checked out with fat guy who got defensive when I asked him if he went to the gym. #43 home, right away.

July 12, 2019:  In ’til 12:30ish. Go to Rincon. Two skateboarders on K. Super Duper gives me regular meat patty instead of veggie patty. I eat it anyhow. Two hours at Rincon. M to Castro. Two guys smile at me on Castro. #35 to G.P. Angelique at C.B. I’m jealous of two other guys who talked with her for longer than I did. RHS her/me later. #23 home.

July 12 dream:  I say: “As president of the 8th grade class . . . “ I had just been elected.

July 12 dream:  Trying to get away from two guys who think my every spare moment belongs to them.

July 11, 2019:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Run into Peter (from June 14) at Ocean and Harold Avenues. Wish him well in China. Jordan at C.B. Walk to Mission. Stop at Muddy Waters Cafe. SFSU math student there. Then Bernie meeting at 7 p.m. I’m a little high since I bought (and consumed) CBD and THC gummies earlier on Mission. Lady from Manteca there. Also Jason. Ben. Claire. Cute guy who looked away when I looked at him. Was kind of high all evening. It was kind of fun. It’s been about 50 years since I got high. I think I like myself better high because I have the time to catch myself when I’m thinking some stupid thought. Two girls in front of me on #49 home. One was very rude acting. The other seemed to apologize to me when she got off at San Jose Avenue. Insight: Why I hate women: they took away the love of my father.

July 11 dream:  I can see my baby in a couple of days. Guy says: “You’ll never be the same.” Baby had lots of hair, like I did. I get CD off to lawyer friend as I said I would. Ask him if he wants me to find a sleeve for it.

July 11 dream:  Finishing up a test. Have a question about one of the questions. Decide not to ask teacher about it.

July 10, 2019:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Wait at 19th & Castro for #35 to G.P. See “Imperfect” on the way. Black street person on Diamond calls me aside and asks me about black woman candidate. I say that Kamala is not our friend. Zeph and May at C.B. Guy standing outside smoking in front of his cafe near Railroad Expresso on Monterey. When I decided to walk towards him, guy from Railroad Expresso came out and talked to me and “Bernie.” Then Jesse and I started talking. (*Relates to the “Imperfect” on the way?) #43 home. BB daily update. Take nap.

July 10 dream:  Blond guy I liked came over to my parents home. I talked to him about what he’s been doing lately.

July 10 dream:  Nonobservant Jewish woman arrests other woman for being from an alien place.

July 10 dream:  Move from temp to permanent job. Also from 7th floor to 28th floor. It’s very high up. Water below. I”m in my underwear. There is a cat in my office/cubicle. I don’t know what kind of work I’m supposed to be doing. The building shakes a lot. Everyone is asked to come to the elevator area.

July 10 dream:  My parents have a new baby. He is only a few inches tall. I pick him up. Kiss him. Smile at him. Hope my parents don’t fuck him up too much. We are in the back of a bus.

July 9, 2019:  Wake up after hard night of RHSing my father. Page Publishing called. Then I looked them up on Yelp! There were not liked. Table for Bernie from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. with Patrick at CCSF. Stunning white athlete walks by with two black friends. Dakota stops by. Take nap after. Then walk to Mt.D. and back.

July 9 dream:  Rushing to get diary and something else caught up.

July 9 dream:  At a Thane-taped class on astrology, somebody brought in an old ’30s-type bus to get us started. I was the tape monitor but I think they were willing to start without me.

July 9 dream:  Dancer and me and other guy gets hired.

July 8, 2019:  Email from William Fennie made me feel good, in spite of myself. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. She asks me if my day has been productive. I tell her about my book. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawks screaming at each other. One sitting on a tree. Walk to Mt.D. Then W.F. guy cuts in front of me in line, so I bought Vietnamese coffee which I knew would trigger my pelvic pain. Read from notes on frequent nonphysical causes of physical symptoms: “Emotions that are present in our system but not recognized and/or expressed by us.” Relates very much to me and my father. Shits at 8pm-ish.

July 7, 2019:  Post “Carl Jung and the Psychology of the Man-Child” on BB. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See Walter outside C.B. Then Zeph at C.B. Also Joe from CCSF French class sitting next to me with his boyfriend. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. to #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Living arrangements (including one’s liver) may depend on satisfying complex constraints. My conclusion: Truth is the uninhibited, permissive, unilateral, persistent combination of everything, dependent only on Itself. AT&T goes dark about 12:30 a.m.

July 7 dream:  Finishing up a test in someone’s living room. Woman from UC wants me to fill out invitation forms to about six people.

July 7 dream:  The assignment due was postponed due to weather.

July 7 dream:  Have new roommate who’s very non-communicative. Then he moves us to a different apt. I don’t know where most of my things are. Then I get stuck on a rack of bras and panties. Then a department full of well-dressed, well-groomed male models, mostly Asian. One offers to fit me with a new pair of pants.

July 7 dream:  Get dressed up in fancy outfit. Go to mall. Run into Calvin and girl who admires me. Then meet young guy who tells me about computer-speak.

July 6, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Worked on Chapter 12 of “My Soul Mates.” Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. She asks me about my 4th of July. I ask about hers. She went to Santa Cruz, she said, and stayed ’til about midnight. When I left, I noticed that she had taken off her jacket. As I noticed this, I tripped over my chair. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) Walk thru G.C.P. Hear hawk. See him/her briefly. Mt.D. Steven at Safeway. Watching The Guardian in p.m. Killed my father in my head as character did on T.V. I didn’t care if there was no reason or no memory. It felt good.

July 6 dream:  Getting in line at Nancy’s shop. Grab a foreign newspaper to clean my hands. (h.o.)

July 6 dream:  Helping guy register for class. I choose several ALC (active learning class) classes.

July 6 dream:  Lawyer played by Jack Lemmon is arrested in murder/tax fraud case. He puts up a fight. Tries to down a bunch of raw eggs before. Turns into woman at his/her arrest.

July 5, 2019:  Getting ready to jerk off in a.m. Get anonymous call. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. When I said good-bye, he wished me a good weekend. Hawk at G.C.P. Shitty smell on Mt.D. Two guys getting out of car on Bella Vista Way. One waved at me. Squirrel on Los Palmos Drive. Guy skipping with his pit bull on Monterey Boulevard. Guy in passing car honks at me. Meet Ryan at W.F. 7.1 earthquake in SoCal.

July 5 dream:  Thinking of moving back into Vantaggio Suites. See video of Steve Jobs and associate filmed there. Go up to room where there was supposed to be a fight. Woman manager talking about difference between sea hawks and sea hacks. Feel constipated.

July 5 dream:  In cafe/bookstore, J. and another cute guy walk in and sit down with each other. I am at table alone when they leave. Later I look at book I bought and it’s some out-of-date calendar. Walk on thru mall. See “Victory.” Then run into friend of mine attending conference. He introduces me all around.

July 4, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Saying good-bye to him, he kind of rushes towards me. I warn him off. Hawk at G.C.P. Cute tall blond guy walking down as I walk up. Good RHS of my father on this day of Independence. Then get on #43. Black guy blocks my entry. He wants me to give him $5 or $10 for lunch. I say: ‘No.” He backs down. W.F. and home.

July 4 dream:  Getting ready to leave. Lots of us, including dog who I really loved. Cool woman with vagina visible through her outfit. (h.o.)

July 4 dream:  Weird, strange guy who is staying with me for a while wants to copy my “Certificate of Death.”

July 4 dream:  On committee with George H.W. Bush, Gerald Ford and one other one-time Vice President. Then on TV show with Julia Louis-Dreyfus and two other women. One was about to be appointed president.

July 3, 2019:  101 with John F. After, go to Walgreens. Feel sort of “shitty.” Walk into WG. See guy out of the corner of my eye. Step over to get shopping basket. Realize he’s stepping in my way to get my attention. I continue to reach for the shopping basket but realize I’m making a mistake. Then he disappears. (*Relates to second dream of July 2?)  Max at Super Duper. He had burned his hand on Sunday. Two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. #35 to G.P. #23 to Foerster. Follow guy off to #43 on Gennessee. Cute Asian guy in muscle T-shirt on #43.

July 3 dream:  Visit weird guy who comes evil. He gives me something to eat in a paper bag as I leave. His living room is tilted. He implies that I’ll be back.

July 3 dream:  Trying to walk across a newly constructed freeway not quite finished. It’s just empty boxes on top of a superstructure. I get scared.

July 2, 2019:  12-2 p.m. tabling for Bernie at CCSF with Patrick. Then home ’til 4ish. Climb to Mt.D. and home.

July 2 dream:  Say goodbye to place I usually eat at. It’s my company’s last day and I have tomorrow off.

July 2 dream:  Getting ready to go someplace and do something. Stop by somebody’s house. Play with their dog who is a little less puppyish than last time.

July 1, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Rent. Bills. Monthly BB. Walk to G.P At Ocean and Lee cross on red light. Guy says: “It’s a red light.” Then see my W.F. friend from June 28. He enters Pakistani resto. I don’t since “It’s a red light.” I ask clerk at S.J. Avenue liquor store how his diet is going. He said he had a mercy meal recently. I said: “I thought you said ’emergency meal’.” That made him laugh. Jordan at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Feel fat. On #43 home guy drops $10 out of his pocket. I touch his arm and show him. He seemed a little off. Beautiful Asian woman sitting near him. See couple from apartment on top of me on way in. I increase my monthly contribution to Bernie from $50 to $100. In p.m., feel like crying but not quite. (*Relates to last dream of June 30, not yet paying my debts in full.) Insight: Hera is the goddess of marriage and hates infidelity. I identity with her ’cause I cannot allow myself any infidelity with my parents, mostly my father.

July 1 dream:  Injecting toy soldiers with something.

June 30, 2019:  Get up at 7:50 a.m. to go to Pride Parade by 9:15 a.m. Hoped and thought that I’d be late. The whole trip went very smoothly. Met some Bernie people on the way and arrived on time. Everybody loved “Bernie.” Marched down Market Street with Bernie contingent. But delay for almost an hour due to demonstrators from Google, I heard. Lots of people smiling at me ’cause of “Bernie.” Blond guy at Market/Van Ness Walgreens was one of them. Then M to Castro. More “Bernie” lovers. Get #35 at 19th & Castro. Bus driver liked “Bernie.” Zeph at C.B. Then #23. Woman takes selfie with “Bernie.” Walk home. Take nap. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Perfectionism is a life-threatening denial of the perfection of totality. My conclusion: The body of Truth is a fait accompli, the irrepressible, infinite, uncritical, total, thorough, entire, safe Life Force Itself. Local news coverage of gay parade is all about Kamala. Makes me furious!

June 30 dream:  Am ready to pay all my debts, but haven’t been able to do it just yet.

June 29, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Korean liquor store clerk touches my arm when I ask him about his writing for the Korean Times. Then Zeph at C.B. Also “emergency shits” at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Take alternate trails. Mt.D. Safeway. No Myka. No Steven. #43 right away. Cute guy on bus gets off a stop early. Then walks to resto on Ocean. Get “Bernie” ready for his big day tomorrow.

June 29 dream:  Deja vu: I will not see J. at tomorrow’s parade.

June 29 dream:  Harriet is sitting next to Dad. She has her arm around him. When I sit to her right, she reaches out to me. I say: “Thank you.”

June 29 dream:  Guy accused me (wrongly) of stealing something from him.

June 28, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. On elevator down, meet pregnant couple. She says her due date is Sunday. I say: “Good luck.” Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. Trip but do not fall. Pass hot interracial couple kissing on the pathway. Mt.D. My W.F. friend again who ignores me again. (See diary of June 17.)

June 28 dream:  Being taken from a nice office to a dusty cab in South Central L.A. to do a job for somebody with a few others.

June 28 dream:  Going out with my small class of four guys to do something.

June 27, 2019:  Bernie tabling with Patrick at CCSF from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. Then go to Arizmendi. Pass Fred Cline holding court on 9th Avenue. Cute young black guy on N. Then black woman with visible cleavage sits next to him. She pulls up her blouse. He smiles. I smile. She smiles. Then to Peets Cole Valley. Then #37 to Castro. Wait for #35 at 19th and Castro. Cute guy on #35 in back seat. (*Relates to 2nd dream of June 24,  touching legs with Swedish guy.) On approach to #23 bus stop, guy smiles at me. Then pushes up against me as he exits. Then guy on #43 who got sexy with me.

June 27 dream:  Guy in black speedo and dark hair. Later I see him again. Then getting off work with latex gloves on. Woman asks me out. At work, finding pile of video IDs.

June 26, 2019:  Go to 101 at 11:30 a.m. It’s too misty for our literature so John F. and I eat at Rincon. John tells me of the death of his friend (and mine) Brian. Then I stay on for two hours or so. Take F to Castro. Rink (photographer at S.F. Bay Times) stops by to talk to me at 19th and Castro. While he’s talking to me, cute guy in sleeveless shirt hangs around, lifts up his shirt a couple of times and smiles at me as he leaves. Rink talks on. By the time Rink is finished, my sleeveless friend is gone as well. #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. He tells me about his Vegita anime watch. #23 and walk home.

June 26 dream:  I am helping with the Democratic debate and I have a huge hard-on. (h.o.)

June 26 dream:  Pencil eraser gets caught in machine. Gums up the works.

June 25, 2019;  In ’til 3ish. Finish Chapter 5. Walk to G.P. Hear: “I can go anyplace and I’ll be employed.” See Ryan Lam at CCSF (from the back). Zeph at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. then Mt.D. Then #43 to W.F. Cute sweet barista there. Also cute gay guy I’ve seen a few times before, who smiles at me.

June 25 dream:  Running to get to 22nd Street, trying to get away from black friend of mine. Make it there. Call 911. My friends arrive. There is a roomful of people in party hats, etc.

June 25 dream:  Find out I win house in Chicago. Then find out two other people won homes on same street but with different addresses.

June 25 dream:  Everyone with a car in our building was in the courtyard getting their cars to go to work.

June 24, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique (nee Fashion Designer barrista) at C.B. She told me she liked my websites. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Think I should go to W.F. though I don’t really want to. So I do. Run into W.F. guy from June 17. He ignored me. Then go to W.F. cafe. Beautiful blackish guy with long Afro. Also cute sweet barista who knew my order by heart.

June 24 dream:  Living with cute guy among others, looking for something to eat. I take something to eat that isn’t mine. Then put it back. (h.o.)

June 24 dream:  Sit next to Swedish guy at back of bus. Our legs touch. Feel uneasy, like  I’m supposed to do something. Then other Swedish guy comes along and we start talking. Some other friends are planning something for us in a back room.

June 23, 2019:  H.W. Meeting at 9am online. Then 12:30 – 4:00 p.m. tabling for Bernie in front of the Castro Theatre. Guy on K on the way with his music case. He picks up “Bernie” when the wind knocks him over. Guy on his way to bare-chest contest came on to me briefly on Castro. Made me feel very excited (*Relates to hawk in tree and woman from hier at G.C.P.) I would have followed him anywhere. Take M. to W.P. Stop at Peets. Every body loves “Bernie” and me. See same guy from K who picked up “Bernie.” He and friend were playing trumpet duet in front of Chase Bank on West Portal. Cute guy on Ocean who wanted to go to 7-11 but his partner walked on. I said to him: “I thought you were going to the 7-11.” He says: “i wanted to.” Then I said: “You still can.” Cute sweet barista at W.F. cafe. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Bully diplomacy and unstable characters can lead to an explosive conflict. My conclusion: Truth is dominion, orthodoxy (right thinking), solid, safe supervision of all-inclusive infinitely domestic policy. Truth is the sound of one hand clapping, with feelings only for Itself.

June 23 dream:  Little boy asks me excitedly: “Where do we cut the chord?” I say: “I don’t know what that means: ‘cut the chord.’” Then someone else points out this drive-thru spot where we cut the chord.

June 23 dream:  People summing up what we learned in our workshop.

June 23 dream:  Slip and fall in my dream.

June 22, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. Hawk at G.C.P. flies onto nearby tree branch. At same time, fat woman on nearby hill stands still and then turns around. On to Mt.D. Run into Nick on way down. He didn’t remember me. (*See diary from May 12.) Insight: Adrenal glands are right above the kidneys where my pain often originates. Insight: I just pretend I’m there. I’m not really ’cause I can’t trust this man (my father).

June 22 dream:  School is closing down. Last files are being packed. There may be a small payment for the last few days.

June 22 dream:  Dream I’m about to go to sleep. Ask black woman (London Breed?) to keep a door open for me while I go to the bathroom.

June 22 dream:  Cleaning up after very funny, big picnic. Wonderful breads, etc. Harriet said we could have some. Earlier Harriet comments about how well Laurie did in our group discussion. And I said: “And I kept saying: What did you say?”

June 22 dream:  I join chorus in show rehearsal saying: “I belong to a union and everything about it is grand.”

June 22 dream:  Dream I’m playing basketball and I have a fat stomach. It’s Perry Dickey’s birthday which means it’s also around my birthday.

June 21, 2019:  Walk to G.P. Run into Patrick from Berniecrats on the way. Liquor store owner at Diamond & Bosworth shares with me the articles on music he wrote for Korea Times. Fashion designer barista at C.B. She asks me what I do. I share my websites info with her. Walk thru G.C.P. Discover alternate path. Then to Mt.D. #43 home. Big, beautiful guy in center seat of back row.

June 21 dream:  Knife sharpened at new job in State of Washington. Wished I was at OSU. Tomorrow we start work.

June 21 dream:  See Pat Hartman and William Fennie and other Prospero at hotel. They don’t recognize me. William thinks I’m trying to come on to him. See Trump on the way trying to help some homeless people in the street. I think: He’s going to get re-elected.

June 21 dream:  Trying to find ignition to put key in to get car started. Then wake up.

June 20, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan at G.P. Walk to G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Then W.F. Cute, sweet barista at W.F. cafe.

June 20 dream:  Eating at Peruvian embassy. My friends anxious to see me. I think: We should have invited Trump as well since he’s also president of Peru.

June 20 dream:  I return home. There’s been an accident at the pool. The police are there.

June 20 dream:  On fast train on California coast. Black woman conductor. She’s talking and runs over guy without ever knowing it. Then she lays out maps of all the places in Europe to go on train.

June 19, 2019:  101 with John F. Pretty good day. Then 2-1/2 hours at Rincon. F to Castro. Long wait for #35 so I follow cute purple-haired guy down Castro. He stops at Castro Theatre. We talk briefly. He’s from Melbourne, Australia. His name is Casey. #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Cute Asian guy greets me as I enter doorway. BART and #29 home. Insight: I found myself welcoming back my body pain. It was better than last night when I felt I was wasting my life.

June 19 dream:  After guy talks about drug(?) for about an hour, we give him the rest of it.

June 19 dream:  Chasing beautiful guy, finally catch up to him and he’s a block away. Woman who is royalty wants her children exposed to him.

June 18, 2019:  In ’til noon. 12-2 Bernie tabling at CCSF with Patrick. Then cute new guy at W.F. cafe. I had “Bernie” with me and joked that I’d like a chocolate croissant and “Bernie” would like a medium soy latte. Then home ’til about 4p.m. See “Transition Point” at local copy shop. Climb to Mt.D. and back. Overcast day ’til I got to peak of Mt.D.

June 18 dream:  In NY without work. Go to lecture at church. Woman next to me is very nice ’til lecture is over.

June 18 dream:  Trying to get help. I need more gas. Think Heather is the one to help me.

June 17, 2019:  Email from Heather relates to skunk on June 15? Work on My Soul Mates. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Fashion designer barista there. Crowded. Walk to G.C.P. Emergency shits at G.C.P. On to Mt.D. Pee on MtD. Slip and fall on way down Mt.D. Walk to W.F. Cute juice guy who helped me find low sugar fruit drink. He’s someone I had made contact with many months ago.

June 17 dream:  Am in the military for a short time. Ordered to drop to the ground, but  I’m smiling.

June 17 dream:  Go to apartment showing. Hard climb to get there. It’s a big two bedroom place in a beautiful neighborhood of SF. Owner says he is asking $900 per month. I change my mood about then. I think it’s on Robinhood Way.

June 17 dream:  It’s 10:30 a.m. It’s still dark. The lights are on at SF City Hall. I want to take a photo. Then Nancy and Laurie come up back stairs I never knew were there. They looked really great. The had been dancing all night. I asked them why it was dark at 10:30 a.m. Then it was light. Later I got in argument with homeless man who wants my scissors and my keys.

June 16, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Feel a little “shitty.” Decide to go home. Listen to Aretha Franklin’s Amazing Grace CD. Call just before Translation group. (*Relates to red-tailed hawk from hier?) Translation group at 7 p.m. Sense testimony: People are improvident in seeing only their own needs and not the needs of others. My conclusion: Truth is all one indivisible being/consciousness with infinite foresight, infinite forethought and infinite provision. Surprise feeling: Me feeling defensive of my mother when Melissa asked about her.

June 16 dream:  Seminar is over. People are going home. I stay seated ’cause I want to talk to cute guy sitting next to me.

June 16 dream:  Inside of factory is painted yellow with brown trim. I draw an “I” so I get some kind of gift.

June 16 dream:  About to ask female cashier out. [Then phone rings.]

June 15, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Very crowded. Very hot inside. Cute Japanese guy. Walk thru G.C.P. Red-tailed hawk at end of park. Cyclist on Evelyn Way. Skunk on way down Mt.D. Myka at Safeway.

June 15 dream:  Mouse was bigger than me and cleaner and smarter and trying to make up for it to me.

June 15 dream:  Crazy wild family. Beautiful naked woman with hardly any breasts. Later naked skateboarder injured his wrist and hurt somebody else’s leg in his rush out. Woman of the house gives him a towel. Ends with someone coming in saying someone new is coming. Somebody really sick.

June 15 dream:  Wash shit off my feet. March around garden. Then enter church where Sunday Meeting is about to take place. Not very many people there.

June 15 dream:  Left-over document.

June 14, 2019:  In ’til 2ish. Go to CCSF with “Bernie” and Patrick. It’s very cold and windy. We last about an hour. Then I did some more work at home. Went to the library. It was so cold and windy I decided not to walk to G.P., Mt.D., etc. Went into W.F. Ran into Billie Joe. He invited me to his table. I met Warren and Peter, fellow student and former teacher, respectively. Then walked home with Peter who invited me in. We talked about an hour. He’s thinking of going to China on a 2-year math teaching assignment.

June 14 dream:  Parents(?) trick me into not waking up ’til midnight when the festivities start in the annual event.

June 14 dream:  Bill Floyd and Patricia Rohmer have sex during a workshop. Then they come back. Patricia wants us to move meeting to her place. I say no.  (*Relates to viewing The Guardian DVD on June 15 in which two hot actors inevitably have sex, and my reaction to it.)

June 13, 2019:  In ’til 2ish. BART over to Elmwood Theater in Berkeley to see Amazing Grace featuring Aretha Franklin visiting church in South Central L.A. in the ’70s. (Guy on BART on the way over. I kind of danced to be near him as he and I both exited at Ashby Station.) One other old white lady in the theater with me. Was so moved by Aretha’s singing of Amazing Grace. Seeing all those beautiful black faces back in ’72 when I was still living in L.A. (*Relates to broken water faucet from hier? The water just wouldn’t stop.) Mick Jagger was sitting in the back of the church. Go for latte on Ocean Avenue after. Cute delivery guy on Ocean. Then Asian guy on BART on way home. Then blond guy with rental guide. I asked him “Are those East Bay listings?” He said: “No. City listings.” I said: “Good luck.” He smiled a beautiful blond-haired white-toothed smile. Totally undid me.

June 13 dream:  There was just Nancy, Laurie and me left in the house. I was to be made the honorary father . Drinking the last of the O.J. even though it’s supposed to be bad for you.

June 13 dream:  Family visit to place where Harriet and my father also live. In fact, that’s their place. In fact, that’s them lying out in the sun. I told Tom: “You go ahead without me.” He joins me a few moments later. Then Tom and I and other guy and gal were on top of balancing toy.

June 12, 2019:  101 with John F. Pretty interesting day. Max on my way out of  Super Duper. Then Rincon for two hours or so. Take F to Castro. Woman in back asks 3 or 4 of us what our super power would be. I said, “Going into my unconscious and finding out everything that’s down there.” Cute guy on F gets off at Sanchez. I follow him of at Noe. Follow him down Castro Street. Lose him at 18th Street. Run into Jim Boeger. Catch #35 at 19th Street. Cute well-dressed black guy gets off after rubbing past me. Decide not to go to C.B. Cute guy at Diamond and Bosworth. Catch #36. Cute skateboarder on #36. Stop by June’s salon. He told me about his trip to N.Y. Also that he may enroll in school in N.Y.C. See Jessie at Expresso Cafe. He said his “indoor cat” had run off. Asked me if I’d seen his cat. I said: “I saw a coyote hier.” #43 home. Cute skateboarder at Unity Plaza. Cute barista at W.F. Go home. Then go to library. Follow well-built Asian guy in tight white dress shirt into Japanese resto on Ocean. I stand behind him in line. Ask him about what mochi is. He and cashier try to explain to me. As I leave, guy on street smiles at me. On elevator home, guy gives me one of his chocolate croissants.

June 12 dream:  Hard-on dream about writing something.

June 11, 2019:  Worked on Chapter 2 of My Soul Mates. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Big barista at C.B Not quite as hot today. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Walking down Lulu Alley, young coyote at bottom of hill looks back at me. I follow him/her down Melrose for a block. Me and other woman take photos. Second woman drives by and we talk about coyote. Get home. Take shower. The faucet breaks and I can’t stop the water. Had to call emergency repair service.

June 10, 2019:  Very hot day. In ’til 1ish. Go to CCSF to hand out Bernie literature with Patrick. We take off early ’cause it’s so hot. Take nap. Walk to Mt.D. W.F. Home. Watch John Adams in p.m.

June 10 dream:  See Eliot Derzaph at Prosperos assembly. He’s very young and cute. He says to me: “Hi, babe.” Then he starts talking to Heather Williams.

June 10 dream:  “Oko Kyo.” Japanese boy band which will get you any place you want to be on time.

June 10 dream:  Violence at work is stopped by fellow worker. I join in the tears afterwards, and I don’t even speak their language.

June 9, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Hot, nice day. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Climb up dirt path on Mt.D. which was too steep and slippery, but I made it. RHS of my father. Realized, even though I got upset with him for violating my trust, I knew at some level that my trust was misplaced. Same with J. At some level, even though I would have liked to have been in an honest relationship with him, that he was never going to be able to do that. See “All Free” sign on Ridgewood on my way home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Hunger for authority can lead to investing it into false representations. My conclusion: Truth is satiation. Truth is enough. Truth is full. Truth invests in Itself, culminates in Itself, represents Itself eternally, with open eyes and open heart. Memory: I remember that in my brief train trip to London while I was staying in Paris for 30 days in 2015, I not only left London after only a few hours, I paid some 200 euros to leave two hours earlier than I had scheduled. I must have really wanted to get out of there.

June 9 dream:  Recurring location in dream is Muni-operated. I’m supposed to bring back evidence at a contest with Muni. I like the two women there. One of the women and I talk briefly. I’m in a hurry. She’s also in a hurry.

June 8, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. to Safeway. Steven there. Also Myka. Speak with Myka for first time in two weeks on the way out. #43 due in 46 minutes, so me and two huge grocery bags walk home. RHS myself for always taking the blame for everything.

June 8 dream:  Spent first night at beautiful grand building in foreign country at Prosperos event. I was so tired that I slept thru the day and woke up at night. Some woman there said, “It’s date night.”

June 8 dream:  Go to another Prosperos event at another hotel. Try to kiss girl who I knew liked me. She backs away. Try to walk out of resto but my hands are full of sandwich and I can’t get out door. Waitress tries to help me.

June 7, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph there. Feel kind of “shitty.” Decide not to walk up to Mt.D. Go home instead. Have “emergency shits” at MUB (Multi-Use Building). Start work on revision of my book My Soul Mates. Get thru Chapter 1. Realized hier or so that I don’t have to answer my phone calls unless I know who is calling.

June 7 dream:  Saying goodbye to counselor I had been living with. I still had to pick up some clothes and pots and pans. He mentioned he had some letters for me.

June 6, 2019:  Two one-ring calls about 2:15 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Go to Arizmendi Bakery. Cute Asian guy walking down 9th Avenue and up Irving Street. Go to Peets Cole Valley. Berniecrats in p.m. Meet Michelle from Manteca. See Patrick, Ben, Clair, Jason, Laksh. John F. didn’t make it. Go home via #37 and catch the K at Castro Station.

June 6 dream:  Ear is broken off icon. Pipe full of various ball-shaped objects which might heal it.

June 6 dream:  I am at Prosperos event. Beth Kuper and Barbara Baroe are there, a little drunk. Later Beth calls me there after she had left. We meet outside. She invites me to pizza sometime.

June 6 dream:  My desk gets moved at work. I’m sitting near Indian woman. She has an Indian LP record. I look it over and ask which is a good song to listen to. She says the first one.

June 5, 2019:  101 with J.F. Hard day for me. 1-1/2 to 2 hours at Rincon. Then wait for F. Big breasted woman with low-cut blouse. I exchange glances with guy who was also looking. Take F to Castro. “Crazy” lady on board says: “So that’s how it ends.” Woman smiles at me on my way up Castro to 19th Street to wait for #35. Go to G.P. Big barista at C.B. Meet cute friendly guy who worked for a non-profit in Saigon, having to do with autistic children. Now he works for META in the city. BART to Balboa. K to W.F. and home. Anonymous call at about 8:50 p.m.

June 5 dream:  Someone misusing authority.

June 5 dream:  Bring pastries to shop. Wasn’t sure whether I was supposed to buy more or leave them there, so I started to call person who sent me. Couldn’t find her number. Tom C. walks in.

June 4, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Two Brinks trucks on way. Big barista at C.B. Hot guy comes in. Stands in front of my table. I cruise him up and down. He leaves. Then another cute-in-a-different-way guy comes in. I walk to G.C.P. Hot guy in shorts with long hair. On to Mt.D. Sweet boy and his dog sitting on top, enjoying the view. Stop by W.F. Beautiful woman holds the door open for me. Call in p.m. from some police group, asking for John. RHS William F. Realize his above-it-all mentality is a reflection of my own above-it-all mentality.

June 4 dream:  My father and I sharing some pun-like joke nobody else gets.

June 4 dream:  Trying to get my in-car email going when I see a whole bunch of Mercedes police cars. I run into one of them. Carol Carter in the car with me, saying she hates email. I say: “You hate if ’cause you don’t use it, or vice versa.” Carol had just returned to Santa Monica.

June 3, 2019:  Arrogant email from William F. pissed me off all morning. In ’til 3ish. Talk with Henry briefly at library. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. After, follow cute ass up Diamond Street. This leads me to free library where I “checked out” book called Life Before Life. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mollie Stones at Portola. Get some fruit there. Then on to Mt.D. and home.

June 3 dream:  Trying to follow complicated instructions but run out of glasses and all sorts of other stuff.

June 3 dream:  Playing catch in a circle in Paris. Rule was you didn’t have to try to catch a ball even thought it was thrown to you.

June 3 dream:  Someone asks me why my generation goes for Trump.

June 3 dream:  Something about a Susan Sarandon doll taking on another doll. And a box of Tom Oberhaus’s old papers.

June 2, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. Wishbone shaped stick on sidewalk. I walk over it and it breaks. I don’t get the wish. Hawk at G.C.P. On to Mt.D. and home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Feeling unwelcome and unsafe and unable and without help may lead to suicide as the only way to end unbearable mental and emotional suffering. My conclusion: All is acceptable/welcome, safe/uninjured, able/handy, fixed/unbroken, Truth culminating in Truth, I experiencing mental and emotional pleasure, Mind exciting the Universe. Insight response to my father: “No, I don’t have to hit you in order to stand up to you.” Rough night last night.

June 2 dream:  I’m horseback riding again for first time in long time. Will spend week at camp. Enjoyed it more than I thought.

June 2 dream:  Something about MLK being born.

June 2 dream:  Something about finishing up deal with the authorities. We sit in resto near a pay phone in case a call comes in. Payments are made.

June 1, 2019:  Worked on BB and bills. In ’til 2:45ish. Walk to G.P. Cold day. Owners at C.B. When I leave, I run in to two black guys, both very beautiful, both very happy with each other. I make a point of turning around and looking at them. They smile back. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Then Safeway. Steven there. Myka not. As I check out, Steven shelving items nearby within earshot. I am tempted to ask about Myka, but instead say to my checker: “Do you think the Warriors are going to win on Sunday?” He said he didn’t know. Quote that resonated with me: “San Francisco is a golden handcuff with the key thrown away” by John Steinbeck.

June 1 dream:  Evacuating street car on Castro Street in an apparent emergency.

May 31, 2019:  Anonymous call about 9:20 a.m. Neither of us said anything. Then two cell calls which were only one or two rings. In ’til 12:30ish. Go to Rincon. Three very interesting guys on Muni on the way. Cute guy at newspaper store. Max at Super Duper. Two hours at Rincon. See very brief notification on my phone that Bernie is in favor of impeachment. (*Relates to last dream of May 30?) F to Castro. Bump my head on the way out. Stop in 440 Club on Castro briefly. (*Relates to coyotes howling from hier?) #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. BART to Balboa. Brayden at W.F. Other cute guy in W.F. deli. Then same guy in W.F. cafe. Insight: Eating independently relates to pelvic pain when I eat certain foods.

May 31 dream:  Nixon is president. I’m trying to impress AOC.

May 31 dream:  Tom C., me and other person were going to try out for a play. Tom said acting is a good way to exorcise the character you are playing. I said: “Well, you’re just going to play a good-looking, athletic dufus. So you are type-casting.” Then I thought exactly. That’s a good way to exorcise that role from your psyche. Like an RHS. Thane dropped something off and left. I thought: We take him too much for granted. What if he died? Then I thought: He made me feel well-loved.

May 31 dream:  Mom, Dad, Laurie and I driving thru S.F. We drive up steep hill to Franklin Street. Brush up against a pedestrian. He doesn’t seem to mind. We stop and at store and lose track of some of our group. Woman says she spend the night with sailors at Lo Que Jest.

May 30, 2019:  Single ring call at 6 a.m.-ish. Then anonymous call at 9:20 a.m. He says nothing. I say: “Is that the best you can do?” In ’til 2:45ish. See Henry at library. I think I got him in trouble for talking to me. His supervisor came over and said to me: “Can I help you?” Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Crossword puzzle clue: “Lacked the courage to.” I spent about a half hour thinking it referred to me. Then finally settled on the idea that it was referring to J. Walking thru G.C.P. Siren drove by on Portola, followed by what sounded like 10-12 coyotes howling. Walk to Mt.D. See dark form at bottom of path, which rushed for cover.

May 30 dream:  I’m reading from quote to three others in class. Can’t find the source of the quote.

May 30 dream:  Trying to record something. It’s not working. Try regular ten and like it. Say: “I’ll be peeing a lot tonight.”

May 30 dream:  Decide to register for city college class after all. Must retrieve my wallet from a locker.

May 30 dream:  Al H. to have press conference.

May 29, 2019:  101 with J.F. Guy comes up to me and asks for directions to Harrison Street. See my 101 Asian friend as #38 takes off from Market. Then “crazy” guy on #38 yells: “John, Mike . . .” Go to Quetzal to wait for dental appointment at 3:45 p.m. Feel “shittier” and “shittier.” Cute Asian guy on the way with his two cute dogs each with four booties on to protect them from cut glass, etc. After appointment, take F to Castro. Then catch #35. Cute guy sitting across from me. Then Zeph at C.B. Then take BART from G.P. to Balboa Park. Woman smiles at me as she exits. I smile at cute guy as I exit. Followed cute guy into W.F. Then lose him. Then find me again at W.F. cafe. He touches his ass. I sit down for a while, then leave. Woman smiles at me and holds the door open as I enter my apartment building. Hear about woman on rampage with car in downtown S.F., on the news.

May 29 dream:  I borrow some matches from some guy.

May 29 dream:  Talk to Barry Bram on phone.

May 29 dream:  Offer to use my house as a local Prosperos center.

May 29 dream:  Going out to sea in Navy ship. Big industrial fan is knocked into the water. We almost run into it.

May 29 dream:  Actress in “Once Upon a Time.” I finish glass and look through bottom of it.

May 29 dream:  Billye Talmadge and/or other woman teacher giving long talk on drive home after class. I think we have recorded it.

May 28, 2019:  In ’til 2ish. Walk to Jun’s hair salon on Monterey. He tells me he’s going to New York for a week on June 1 with his wife. He says: “Do you want to go along?” I don’t really answer. Then he said he and his wife would be going to China for 30 days in September. He invited me along there as well. I agreed to go. He said there are a lot of cheap hotels, like $20 a night. And he could set me up a masseuse who could give me a “happy ending.” That cracked me up. I really fell in love with Jun (again). Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. I notice his hair cut. He didn’t notice mine. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk and crow towards end of park. Then hawk alone. Anonymous call at 6:10 p.m. Walk into spider web at home. Another anonymous call at 7:55 p.m.

May 28 dream:  Joe Biden is fading fast. (h.o.)

May 28 dream:  Make 2 or 3 appointments at same time with Bay Guardian and other appointments. The B.G. Is late.

May 28 dream:  $30,000 for used car. That’s his selling price and my buying price.

May 28 dream:  Calvin and friend rushing past me at hors d’oeuvres tray at funny party.

May 27, 2019:  Memorial Day! [sarcastic exclamation point]. Feel sad all day. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Forgot my unlearn you pain book. Very crowded. Leave early. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Mouse, then hawk, then cute guy smiles at me on Mt.D. Shits when I get home.

May 27 dream:  Looking up astrological events in the Koch brothers lives.

May 26, 2019:  High Watch meeting this a.m. at 9.  I woke up at 6:30 a.m. and couldn’t go back to sleep.  I was very nervous about the meeting.  Bring up my opinion that the dean of The Prosperos should not be in that position for life. That perhaps there should be a rotation. Took nap immediately after meeting. In ’til 3ish. Get “perfect” on walk to G.P. Fashion designer barista at C.B. Guy in line behind me a little too close. So I turn around. He’s very cute, so I don’t mind. Notice he’s wearing a “Jesus Christ Superstar” shirt. I ask him whether he was in the show. He says: “No, but my partner was.” He says: “Do you like it?” I say: “Yes, In fact, I tried out for a part when I lived in L.A.” Walk up O’Shaughnessy to Mt.D. Mouse on Mt.D. Also black form rushes towards my legs. #43 bus stops one stop before my stop and just holds there for several minutes with its doors open. I take that as a sign that I should get off, so I do and run into cute, interesting guy on Frida Kahlo Way. See Henry from library at W.F. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Evolution requires divisions between winners and losers. My conclusion: Truth is a self-made individual, fully evolved and joined together, inevitably findable, always winning by default.

May 26 dream:  Am returning big semi truck to Sen Fernando Valley. It won’t brake. Finally get guy to help me. He’s overly helpful.

May 25, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Thinking about owner’s son at Wilbur Hot Springs from the late ’80s and how I would respond to his taking off his clothes and joining everyone in the hot tub. I would join him/them with my unashamed hard-on in full glory. Got very excited about The Prosperos assembly theme idea: “The Coming Transformation from Humanity to Consciousness.” Then I thought why not have a Syncon-type event? Divide the assembly into 3 or so groups. Each group would answer: What is being done in the world? What am I doing? What is The Prosperos doing? What else can I do? What else can The Prosperos do? Fashion designer barista at C.B. She has a diamond stud on her upper lip. I say: “I think you’ve got something on your lip.” She didn’t think it was as funny as I did. Also, very cute guy I admired as he left. Walked to G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Then Safeway. Myka was sitting on the outside bench. I really didn’t want to talk to him and I was right. As I approached him, he said he was texting some friends. So I passed on. Later I check out in his aisle. Tried to act like I wasn’t offended, but I was. (*Relates to bumping my head on May 23 at G.C.P.) Later, in RHSing, I realized that being smart was all I had to hang on to, or so I thought at one point in my life. So I could understand Myka and myself a bit better.

May 25 dream:  Looking for change so I can buy some food at a party. Girl there asks if I’d like to hear my T-shirt. I say: “Sure.”

May 25 dream:  My roommate asked me to leave because of, you know, the scent of my tattoos. I asked him if he minded if I looked up something on the internet. He said: “Never mind. You are staying.” Then he danced around a bit. Then there were police outside. I said: “What’s wrong?”

May 24, 2019:  Thought: Maybe I don’t want to be successful for fear my parents might try to take credit for it. In ’til 1:30ish. Go downtown to Rincon. See Ed on my way out of Super Duper. About two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. Earn red nose for charity from cute guy at Castro Walgreens. Get #35 at Castro & 18th. Go to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Get anonymous call there at about 5 p.m. (*Relates to mouse hier at G.C.P. about the same time?) Briefly talk with my Sudoku friend instead of Jordan. #36 and #43 home. Follow Isaiah at W.F. until I finally realized who he was. He called me, “Sir.”

May 24 dream:  Two guys wrestling over naming something. (h.o.)

May 24 dream:  An entity stronger than me sometimes comes out of me to fight my enemies.

May 24 dream:  Trying to put all the furniture back where it was after a big event. Norma’s couch, questions, etc.

May 24 dream:  At bus terminal-type place, parents and dog lay down on he ground. Then little girl hugs her dog, then her mother, then her father.

May 24, 2019:  Went over to Avalon office this a.m. Office manager confirmed that they had my BMR application. I asked for an apology for the “hell I went through.” She said she’d give me a day of free rent.

May 23, 2019:  Bernie tabling at CCSF with Patrick. Only stay ½ hour. Not many people there. In ’til 2:30ish. Get note from Avalon that they did not receive my BMR lease renewal which I submitted on May 14. While reading unlearn your pain at C.B., realized Avalon was playing the role of my parents after my father’s remarriage. They were actually in the wrong, but were gas-lighting me for being the problem. Jordan at C.B. Walk thru C.G.P. Bump my head on tree branch I walk under almost every day. See mouse towards Portola Drive. At Portola commercial area one guy chasing another around corner. Third guy says: “Why are you chasing him?” Guy says: “I don’t know.” Go to Avalon office to get back the letter they put under my door this a.m. Atmosphere was icy. Horrible night of sleep. I was so angry I just couldn’t contain it. Tried to relate my anger towards Avalon to other aspects of my family history with some success.

May 23 dream:  Trying to get away from family reunion without saying goodbye to everyone.

May 22, 2019:  101 with J.F. from 11:30-1:30. Really good day. Then rush home to get “Bernie” and return to Castro Farmer’s Market from 4-6. (See Henry in front of Ingleside library.) Four of us there. Probably one too many. People loved “Bernie.” Took K home. Run into Dakota at the Castro Street station and rode with him all the way home. A female Bernie supporter joined us, who was on her way to yoga class. When I get home, blank message from 11:13 a.m. Email Richard H. about our “revered” leader in The Prosperos. (*Relates to crying boy at G.C.P. from May 20?)

May 22 dream:  Pay $6 for very small orange drink. Even the waitress thinks it’s too small. Take book How to Write a Gay Musical from the side of the road. See woman friend who recommends going to cathedral. So I do. I’m looking for the Fife section. Lots of people I know there. Billye T., etc. Teachers. We tell them they’re sitting in the wrong section. So they all get up. There’s not much room in the Fife section. Somebody warns us off: “Get out of here.”

May 21, 2019:  Anonymous call at 2ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Fashion barista at C.B. She’s studying Spanish book. She says she’s Mexican but doesn’t know Spanish very well. She looked very nice. I felt I should be hitting on her. Or at least that she expected me to. Read more from unlearn your pain. Then RHSed my father thru G.C.P. and Mt.D. Realized I always blamed myself as a way to make my father even madder. So I’d be the one in control. Running woman at Mt.D. smiled at me. Same as women from hier? #36 arrives as I do at foot of Mt.D. I take it to Foerster and Monterey. Guy with huge eyelashes at Foerster and Monterey bus stop. #43 to W.F. Meet Brayton(?) at W.F.

May 21 dream:  Rotating drinking(?)

May 21 dream:  Working on something when boss asks me into her office.

May 20, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Owner at C.B. Fire/police on Chenery on way to G.C.P. Distant hawk at G.C.P. Then little boy walking alone. One woman tries to talk to hm. Then I approach him. He’s crying and I couldn’t understand what he was saying. I ask him if he’s lost. I offered to walk him back to the entrance to the park. Then another woman comes along. Very wiry. Hair tied back. She says to the boy: “I’m a teacher. I deal with these situations all the time. Do you want me to walk you back?” So off they go. I head on to Mt.D. Woman approaches me from behind and asks if she can pass. I am startled. I say: “I knew I heard voices, but this is ridiculous.” She put her arm on my shoulder as she passed. French couple on way in. Two calls last nite from alleged political survey company. (*Relates to mouse at G.C.P. hier?)

May 20 dream:  Dream I’m sleeping but afraid a mouse will get into my ears. So I wake up.

May 20 dream:  I took someone to Duggan Funeral Home in the Castro. The rain is coming down so hard that all the lost gay boys have come thru the windows to our apartment. And we’re having a party. (h.o.)

May 20 dream:  Nancy Lee wants to go to old Christian Science house with only me on Thursday. I said: “ I thought a whole bunch of us were going to go.” ‘Cause a guy and a gal from work also wanted to go with me. Nannie there.

May 20 dream:  Michael K. is diagnosed with AIDS. We try to calm him down about it.

May 20 dream:  “A person who is 70 is supposed to change all his ways.”

May 20 dream:  I have crush on black male teacher. We touch the backs of our hands together in front of class. I am looking for paper for writing assignment. Leave classroom looking for paper. When I come back the class is over. I may have passed by guy I liked on the way back in.

May 19, 2019:  Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. with Al H. He refers to the Bathtub Bulletin as “his website.” Cancel appointment with Dr. Simon. Then he calls me up to confirm. I feel really bad for him. Want to reschedule just to make him happy. But I don’t. In ’til 3ish. See Jon in front of W.F. Walk to G.P. Nice day. See “Rubicon” car on San Jose Avenue. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Emergency shits at restroom there. Mouse at hole in the ground keeps peeping out. See Taylor walk into Portola CVS. Then see “Joy.” Guy walking down Mt.D. smiles at me. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Degeneration and degeneracy of our bodies and our cities appear inevitable due to attrition and entropy. My conclusion: Truth is the inevitable, unavoidable womanish man of peace, an organism preordained and predictable in its spontaneous, reasonable usefulness.

May 19 dream:  Massive empty Chinese warehouse in Paris. I want to take a photo of it.

May 19 dream:  Everybody is getting ready to smoke pot. Truck drives by with “5 More Days” written on its windshield. I’m getting my red shoes out of my closet since that’s part of the new uniform. And the janitor likes me.

May 18, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. BART to G.P. Zeph and May at C.B. Read “Is there a Cancer Personality?” chapter from Gabor Maté’s When the Body Says No. Made me realize how much inner work I still have to do. Say good-bye to Zeph. May ignores me. She’s mad about me not going further with her on May 15. Forego walk due to rain. See Steven and friend at Safeway. Am more attracted to his friend. Talk with Myka on way out. He’s taking six classes at SFSU and working 40 hours a week at Safeway, he tells me. In talking to May in my head, she says: What’s wrong with you? I say: Apart from my mother being killed in front of me as a kid and my father trying to have sex with me . . . Then I heard what I said. I didn’t say that my father had sex with me. I said that he tried to have sex with me. That means I refused him. That felt right. And that would explain my not being able to remember him having sex with me and also my feeling of being strong and powerful afterwards in the front yard. (And I’ve been refusing people sex ever since.)

May 18 dream:  Some friends were going to come over to place I was staying at for tanning. Guy says: “And you really do have a 14” cock?” I said: “Let’s hope I get to use it.”

May 18 dream:  Visit high school. Share pot-laced, healing food with them. Wrap boxes in aluminum foil.

May 18 dream:  Cute guy I volunteered to keep track of.

May 17, 2019:  See Robert (from CCSF Media Dept.) at Ocean and Lee. 101 with John F. Chris stops by. Pretty good day. Thinking about Kathy B. saying I should move to Bend, Oregon. I think: If I move to Oregon it would be to Corvallis or Portland. Woman smiles at me. Ed at Super Duper. I ask him about his SF Giants T-shirt. He started explaining why he isn’t wearing it. And he lifts up his shirt. I immediately get protective of him. 2-1/2 hours at Rincon. Go to Castro. Catch #35 bus at Market. Guy on Diamond whose neck I admired. He turned around and smiled at me. Fashion designer barista at C.B. She’s mad at me for not coming on to her. Also, emergency shits at C.B. See “tomorrow” and “Cheetah.”

May 17 dream:  I have a gay son. I use his brush. He wants to make me at home.

May 17 dream:  Work for new company which not only gives general assignments to whomever is passing by but also things to read and questions to answer.

May 16, 2019:  Accidentally run across my father’s name on a pdf of CCSF’s graduating class in June 1937. In ’til 3ish. Go to Arizmendi Bakery for my 3 loaves of butter milk gluten-free bread. Then on the Peets Cole Valley. Schizophrenic woman stops by our table to share with us how much she dislikes older men. Not that I consider myself an older man, but I could see where she might. Read more of unlearn you pain by Dr. Schubner. Get to the point where the author asks me to describe my father. #37 to Castro. Couple of people smile at me. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Then transfer immediately to #23 in G.P. Then immediately to #43. See Anita from Digital Media class on “Check Please, Bay Area!’ Anonymous call at 7:55 p.m.

May 16 dream:  On talk show panel, MC simply ignores black guy furthest away. Later I see Thane involved in the lobby. Woman tells black guy: “You quit too soon.”

May 16 dream:  I killed a couple of people who are still in our backyard.

May 16 dream:  Getting ready to do Tonight Show-type show. Several guy introducers.  All doubles. One was missing.

May 16 dream:  Preparing to eat big meal, even though I wasn’t really hungry, and I already had prepared myself a plate. Bernie Gold there. Also Nancy Lee.

May 15, 2019:  In ’til 2:30 p.m. Then went to CCSF Academic Senate at MUB building. As I walk in the building, seagulls are going crazy, screaming at each other. Meeting opened with public comments. I got up and spoke of my support for lifelong learning. Connie, the head of the P.E. Dept. and the person who invited me, set right in front of me. Also in attendance was my Digital Media teacher, Malcolm Cecil. Left about 4:45 p.m. and walked to G.P. Zeph at C.B. with his girl friend May. On the way out, I said to May: “Are you a student too?” She said: “Yeah, but I’m not a good one.” That cracked me up. #36 and #43 home. In p.m. I got pissed off ’cause my 4-day-old avocado was still not ripe. An avocado should be ripe after 4 days! Your father should love you! Saw Fahrenheit 11/9 in p.m.

May 15 dream:  Going to school at OSU And applying to return. My friend says I lived in Tigard, Oregon. I go along and apply as an Oregon resident.

May 15 dream:  On vacation trip to place we’d been before. Train pulls right up to my window. I open it a bit further. Younger Bernie Sanders is conductor. I say: “Could you get any closer?” Then he takes off. Later pass cute resto I had enjoyed last time. About 7 or 8 girls (including sisters Nancy and Laurie) reserve a table. I try to join them.

May 14, 2019:  Finish up my BMR lease renewal. Follow cute guy (new W.F. cafe baristo from hier) into W.F. men’s room. Catch him admiring himself in the mirror. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. I comment on her diamond studs implanted on her lower back. Then compliment her on her choice of ’70s Motown music. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Dog at G.C.P. stops at doggie drinking fountain. I push button to turn on the water. Later his owner comes along and says: “He’s completely independent. He doesn’t need me at all.” Have inner dialog with my father on Mt.D. Me: How do you explain my reaction to the news of your remarrying. My going in to the den and almost collapsing onto the floor saying: “Oh, thank God. Now I can go back to being a normal boy.” Father: I can’t explain it. Me: You have no idea? Father: No. Me: Was there something abnormal about what we were doing? Father: Of course not. Me: Then why would I almost fall to he floor in relief at news of your remarrying? Father: I don’t know. Me: You think I’m lying? Father: No. Me: Then what happened? Father: I don’t remember. Me: You don’t remember what? Father: I don’t remember what happened. Me: Then you admit that something happened. Father: [He hits me.] Now shut up. Me: Is that your last refuge? Violence? Father: [Hits me again.] I said “Shut up.” Me: So something did happen. Father: I don’t remember. I won’t remember. Me: Yes you will. You will remember. Father: I won’t. Me: You will. And you do. Now tell me. Father: I won’t. Me: You can and you will. [I shake my father.] Tell me. Tell me! Father: Nothing happened. I never did it. Me: Never did what? Father: I never touched you. Me: It’s all right. I was more than will to go along. Father: Yes, you were. Me: Then you admit something happened? Father: Yes. Don’t ask me more. Me: I was willing, even eager, to go along. But you were the adult. Father: And you thought you were being adult. Me: Yes, but I was wrong, and so were you. Each for our different reasons. I now see that you were just as lost as I was and therefore we found each other, inevitably. So I release you from whatever role I have you trapped in and I release myself from whatever role I have trapped myself in. I realize that my real identity is consciousness/beingness itself. And that I can function from that identity if I choose to. I love you and I love myself. End of dialogue. #36 bus arrives at base of Mt.D. just as I do. Then #09 car at Coventry Court. (The no. 9 signifies completion of something.)

May 14 dream:  Diane Feinstein is best at finding lost purses, handbags, etc. Especially in Chico.

May 14 dream:  Eastern European party in underground rail terminal. Mostly guys. In fact, all guys trying to find the person most dressed like themselves.

May 13, 2019:  Table for Bernie at CCSF from 11-1 with Patrick. It’s hella cold and windy. Dakota stops by. Later Patrick mentions meeting Dakota and his partner. For some reason, it really upset me to find out that Dakota had a partner. A few minutes later got anonymous hang-up call. After, see Jon and woman Bernie volunteer and other new cute baristo at W.F. cafe. Work on my lease renewal. Then walk up to Mt.D. and back. See Henry at W.F.

May 13 dream:  Some one giving a Prospero class. I’m sleeping thru it. Later I go with Al H. someplace where some people have intentionally buried themselves.

May 13 dream:  Driving with Calvin. Suzanne D. driving too close to us. She gets her fingers caught in our window. Then we almost run over old lady on road.

May 12, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Nice Pakistani or Indian guy from Atlanta on top. Meet Nick on Melrose Avenue. (*Relates to emergency shits from hier at Safeway?) He said he’d have something for me the next time we meet. I said: “I look forward to it.” Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: The outdated instinct to reproduce is leading to overpopulation and undermines nurturance. My conclusion: Truth is the only cause and the only effect, the only foundation and the only superstructure, all that can be produced, all that can result, the only instinct inhabiting infinity, feeding and cherishing all.

May 12 dream:  At resto/school. I’m one of the star students but I don’t have anything to do. Supposed to avoid Polish porn. (h.o.)

May 12 dream:  Guy at store takes on the manager in a block of cement vs. block of wood fight.

May 12 dream:  Dream I have to get up at 5:30 a.m. for a 6:30 a.m. job like I’ve been doing for a few weeks now.

May 11, 2019:  RHS as I wake up: ‘Cause I came from God, pleasing myself (either through food or sex) was not allowed. Get 1-1/2 ring anonymous call at about 9:20 a.m. just as I realize this. Jerk off. In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. I taught him how to say “goodbye” in French. Fashion designer barista at C.B. She shared with me a photo of her final project. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Feeling progressively “shittier.” Make it to Safeway restroom. Myka tells me more about the Mueller report on the way out. Watching “Check, Please!” made me cry. (*See first dream of May 9.)

May 11 dream:  Guy angry at his boss takes over for a week. He gives me a ride to work in a different car each day.

May 10, 2019:  John F. and I at 101. Pretty good day. See Max, Ed and David at Super Duper. Then two hours or so at Rincon. F to Castro. See Phil Diers but don’t connect with him. Wait in front of J’s store for #35. Zeph at C.B. His girlfriend there, too. I like her today. Very crowded at C.B. just like the #35 bus was very crowded. #36 and #43 home. Get call as I open the door. I answer but don’t speak. Just breath hard. He hangs up.

May 10 dream:  I have to leave home ’cause I’m gay. Then I have to tell a friend about it.

May 10 dream:  Print out blank death certificate on mimeograph paper. Laurie there.

May 9, 2019:  Jerk off in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Henry at library in the non-fiction section. I say: “I like non-fiction.” Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Beautiful guy on cell phone at G.C.P. Walk to Mt.D. Listen to Prokofiev’s “Romeo & Juliet” three times today. Also listening to Gabor Mate YouTube (”The Roots of Healing”) made me feel bad about myself. (*See first dream of May 6.)

May 9 dream:  Eating some kind of grilled meat which tasted very good. Harriet there.

May 9 dream:  Starting new job. Other guy puts chocolate chips and other stuff on my chair. I sit on it. Then I give him all the stuff on my chair.

May 9 dream:  Guy runs away from original girlfriend only to later go after her. Other girl goes off with two other girls in flying transformer machine.

May 8, 2019:  Go to DMV in Rockridge area of Oakland. See beautiful guy on bike at College Avenue intersection. (*Relates to “Expect the Unexpected” from hier?) I wait thru  green light ’til he rides off. Pass DMV test. Miss one question. People there generally very nice. Final guy I deal with was quite sexy, sitting at his desk and giving me my temporary license. Walk from Oakland to Berkeley. Stop at Blue Bear Cafe. Cute Asian guy as I leave. Beautiful guy on Durant. Walk to watch repair in SF. J-like guy on Hyde. Used to being admired. #49 home.

May 8 dream:  Sara Walker looks really nice for party. She has a dead snake in her hair. She says for me to look up the word “fair.”

May 7, 2019:  Happy birthday to me! Go to DMV in SF to get a hard copy of the DMV booklet. Security guard says they no longer print them. Walk to Peets Cole Valley. Cute Asian guy at Masonic and Oak, waiting for his ride. Woman on Haight smiles at me. Really hot guy in front of Luke’s on Cole. Take #43 to Ridgewood. Walk up to Mt.D. Guy checking me out (or my Bernie button) on way down. Studying DMV sample tests for tomorrow’s test. Get “Expect the Unexpected” from DMV online.

May 7 dream:  Serving food at hip young resto. Ben Gilberti(?) is explaining new idea.

May 7 dream:  Old black guy in front of me in cafeteria line sticking his hand in my food ’cause he thought I had done that to him.

May 7 dream:  Oversleep. Don’t get up by 9 a.m. Miss my tests.

May 6, 2019:  Go to Bernie tabling at CCSF with Patrick. Get rained out. 12:30pm-ish anonymous call. See Jon at W.F. He’s looking good. Go to 3pm meeting at MUB re future of CCSF. Meet head of P.E. Dept. She tells me there are more of us who are in favor of  lifelong learning at CCSF. Then hike to Mt.D. and back. See Robert from CCSF Media Dept. at W.F. And vegetable lady.

May 6 dream:  Older black guy with raggedy dreds fighting. Black woman says to me: “You always let them fight for you.” I think: “That’s not true. I was just fighting with him a while ago.”

May 5, 2019:  2:30ish anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. He was having a bad day. Sit next to guy in shorts. Later cute young guy comes in. He looked like a younger, shorter version of J. at first. I admired his body. He turned around and smiled. Then left shortly after. Then another taller, well-built guy comes in. As I leave, I engage him in conversation. We talk about a half hour. He’s a former Navy corpsman, studying to be a nurse. About half way through our conversation he mentioned his girlfriend. When I left, I saluted him. (*Relates to emergency shits form May 3 about 6:30 p.m.?) Walk to G.C.P, Mt.D. and home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: When organizing beliefs or myths no longer function adequately people feel lost, angry and reactive. My conclusion: Truth is the sole organism, always reliable, always equal to the task at hand, visible as the spectrum of one True being realized, acting harmoniously, without hesitation, doubt or consideration.

May 5 dream:  Dates have been updated.

May 5 dream:  “You need a less complicated life rather than a more complicated one?” one ceramic character to another.

May 5 dream:  I lost my ice cream truck. Elizabeth Warren lost her car. We were in a community. I find my truck. It was being used to entertain kids and I could have it back at the end of the day.

May 5 dream:  Hanging out with French kids. I say: “Vous ne parle pas Anglais, pas de tous?” Then me and young boy climb around structure to get to the other side. It’s a long fall down.

May 4, 2019:  In ’til 3pm-ish. Henry at library. He says he’s not interested in God. He’s interested in computers. Walk to G.P. Fashion designer barista there. Walk to G.C.P. Feel a little “shitty.” (*Relates to Asian guy who smiled at me at G.C.P.?) Continue on to Mt.D. Then to Safeway. No Myka. No Steven. Insight: What if the emotional pain my back pain is trying to distract me from, as Dr. Sarno suggests, is that J. is not good for me, just as my father was not good for me.

May 4 dream:  24 mini steak sandwiches in response to Trump?

May 4 dream:  Older wise woman telling me something. Then black girl tugs at my pants. Then rides on my back.

May 3, 2019:  Go to Leigh’s home for lunch with Nancy and Laurie. We talked for 3 hours. Then visited Aunt Joanne at Arden Wood for another 2-1/2 hours. Feeling progressively “shitty.” At last, when I got home, had emergency shits. About 6:30 p.m.

May 3 dream:  Request delay in my talk, so guy can wash my shirt which is stained with blueberry jam or something.

May 2, 2019:  Anonymous call about 9am-ish. Jerk off in a.m. Memory: Me at gay dance bar The Farm on Santa Monica Boulevard in Hollywood in 1970 or so saying internally to anyone who wanted me: “Here I am.” Did I do the same with my father? In ’til 3pm-ish. Walk to Lakeview. Then up 19th Avenue. See advertisement for two bedroom + family room for $1,100/month. So I walk to 31st Avenue. Turns out it was $1,100,000. I had just overlooked the last thee zeros. N to Cole Valley. Good-looking, well-built guy with Sunset gym T-shirt. I smile at him. Later see him walk with little girl (presumably his daughter) off the train. Go to Peets Cole Valley. Got “perfect” somewhere. Then Berniecrats meeting at 7pm in the Haight. Good meeting. Well attended. Reconnect with Laksh. He mentions his girlfriend on his way out, so I guess he thought I was coming on to him. Which I probably was. Got 5 robocall messages when I get home. (*Relates to coyote barking and howling from May 2? I think they were angry robocalls probably planted by J. in retaliation for wishing him a happy 60th on May 1.) Insight: My not trusting technology or authority in general rebates to not trusting my father?

May 2 dream:  Trump invites me for dinner. Beautiful falsetto voice from male singer. Trump barely speaks to me.

May 1, 2019:  Happy 60th to my friend J! 101 with John F. Feeling “shitty” throughout. Max and David at Super Duper. Shits before two hours at Rincon. Shits after as well. F to Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Zeph at C.B. #36 and #43 home. Cute Asian guy at Monterey and Gennessee. Realize coyote from April 29 relates to telephone conversation with my sister Nancy hier who replied to my question: “Can I bring anything?” Nancy: “Just yourself and your memory.”

May 1 dream:  Something to do with AOC being all over the place on a chart. (h.o.)

May 1 dream:  My father has my apartment repainted. Then I get a new roommate with  lots of friends, coming and going.

May 1 dream:  Find out my sister Laurie has written a book. I say: “Wow. Am I the only one in the family who hasn’t written a book?” Her book is called Aerie Faeries. It begins by talking about John Sexton.

April 30, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Owner at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. Feel a little “shitty.” (*Relates to Asian woman smiling inwardly as I pass by her in G.C.P.) Continue my walk thru G.C.P. Hear barks and howls of coyote(s) nearby. The same one I saw hier? Go to Mt.D. Then home.

April 30 dream:  Rattlesnake bites my friend’s foot. Everyone says to try and coax it off ’cause the second bite is more dangerous.

April 30 dream:  Starting new job with nice woman boss. She wants me to retype something that’s already been typed on yellow legal sized paper. Am self-conscious that she will check out my body as I leave. (*Relates to my father, my boss, who was my “mother” for a while between marriages and who always wrote things out on yellow legal pads.)

April 29, 2019:  Tabling for Bernie from 11am-1pm at CCSF with Patrick and Paul. Several cute guys passed by. Two cute little Vietnamese kids ran up to us. I gave one a Bernie button and pinned it on his little jacket. Go home. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. He has a different girlfriend today. Walk thru G.C.P. Woman says to me: “Is that your dog?” I say: “No.” She says: “Is it a coyote?” I say: “Yes.” It was a pretty big coyote and it was just standing in the middle of the path. I walked toward it. Woman told me to be careful. As I got closer, it casually went on its way. Felt emergency shits coming on. Make it to Starbucks Portola. Continue on to Mt.D. See lizard cross my path. Run across my Sunday pink to-do list on path down to Coventry Court. Then hot checkout gal at Safeway. Then home.

April 29 dream:  Guy in store asks for today’s Examiner. Boss hands me guitar shaped box. I let customer open it. It’s a musical instrument of some sort.

April 29 dream:  Getting ready to give big Sunday Meeting. Rick wanted to do it in a week. I insisted we keep to our every two week schedule. J. wanted to tell me something. He hesitated. I grabbed him by the chin and said: “For God’s sake, spit it out.” He asked me to be gentle on the Joe’s who hang out on a local street. Obama was one of the introducers.

April 28, 2019:  Library says I checked out two DVDs which I didn’t believe I did. Get reprieve for three weeks. Walk to G.P. Zeph there. Walk thru G.C.P. and then Mt.D. Still upset about the DVDs. See Isaiah briefly at W.F. (*Relates to 5:30 p.m. emergency shits from April 26?) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People and groups get stuck in routines that lack vitality and do not promote progress. My conclusion: Truth is one indistinguishable group: lawful, vital, adult, stuck on Itself and promoting Itself directly.

April 28 dream:  Woman suggests I help priest put on the show. He doesn’t think that’s such a good idea.

April 28 dream:  Successful Broadway show held in Chinese theater. My friend from Bay Times there.

April 28 dream:  Several of us went into a transformer box. It appeared to go down several floors. There was some confusion down there. I started Translating. Some said I couldn’t do that. I said: “I don’t care. You’re my thoughts and I’m Translating.” Then we made it back. One guy got a new job.

April 27, 2019:  Go to Bernie campaign opening. See John F., and Jason Ney from Bernie’s 2016 campaign. Meet Patrick, Shahid, Ben. Walk to Bernal Heights. Meet Ian and and his German Sheppard Zoe. Walk to C.B. Jordan there. I fall asleep at table. Memory: taking off my clothes at worksite when Dad (and others) wasn’t there. Pass by Jun at work on way to Safeway. Myka at Safeway. He told me about reading the Mueller report. Got home. Eat. Take two hour nap.

April 27 lucid dream:  Guy serving food in cafeteria line says to me: “Can you say goodbye?”

April 27 dream:  Bernie Gold says he’ll meet with me our group on Friday at my place. He says: “You’ll have more money then.”

April 27 dream:  Vince Vaughn complaining about being chained in pool. Was very funny.

April 27 dream:  Was at a “rinses.” Saw hot wrestling match and said: “Now I’ve got my next Sunday Meeting.”

April 26, 2019:  Meet with Laurie at 11:30 at Crepes on Cole. I told her about my memory of relief that my father was going to remarry: “Thank, God. Now I can go back to being a ‘normal’ boy.” And my memory of being in Dad’s bed. She was very supportive. That was a big relief. Walked thru Castro. Waited for #35 in front of J’s store. Zeph at C.B. Then went to see Jesse at Expresso. Ran into Taylor (my “Otter Woman”) by accident. He asked me if I was stalking him. Emergency shits at 5:30 p.m. or so.

April 26 dream:  Frasier and his son try to get away from the police.

April 26 dream:  Am enrolled in eight different business schools. Must _____ my education and start running the family business.

April 26 dream:  Girl asks me to care for her baby daughter for two days. Then four of them go to new church art show. She and I throw her garbage on top of other people’s garbage cans. Then go downstairs to very somber hardware store with lots of dour men. We keep walking down steps. She turns back at one point. Men are also walking alongside me. I wake up.

April 25, 2019:  Anonymous call at 9:15 am-ish. Final Mind-Body discussion today from 2:30-3:30 p.m. Did guided meditation. In my mind, I was on an empty stage in an empty theater. My pain told me to “communicate.” Go to Arizmendi for gluten-free bread. Then run into Frank (brother of Jesse) and his girlfriend who are on their way to Center Hardware fundraiser which he told me about weeks ago. I stopped by Peets Cole Street. Guy on T. Get “perfect.” When I got to Center Hardware, couldn’t find Frank, but did meet Michael, a good-looking young construction worker. We kind of hit it off and talked for quite a while though I avoided what could have been a hook-up. (*See AOC dream of April 23.) Later find out only Laurie will be at lunch tomorrow.

April 25 dream:  Wallace Norton and other guy missing. I say: “His last name’s the same as Ed Norton.”

April 24, 2019:  101. Slow day. Ed at Super Duper. He asked me about my Young Turks T-shirt. i said that it’s an online news source. He said: “Oh, I watch the news all the time. Brietbart…” Yikes! Two hours at Rincon. Emergency shits after. Take F to Castro. Swarm of bees at Noe and Market. Waited for #35 in front of J’s store. Zeph and girl barista at C.B. #23 and #43 home. Beautiful skateboarder who smiles at me when I turn around to take a second look. (*Relates to emergency shits at Starbucks Portola on April 22?)

April 24 dream:  See guy in dark corridor. Then he’s waiting for me. Then he’s in student lounge. I confront him. I offer to sell him my hot rod car which I bought for $5.2 million (a few years ago) for $1.5 million. (h.o.)

April 24 dream:  Meet my neighbor. His apartment is much shabbier than mine. Building is having an auction. Had to wait in line to get back upstairs.

April 23, 2019:  Anonymous call at noonish. Another at 2:30 pm-ish. Mind-Body class from 3:30 to 5:00 p.m. Last class. Walk to Mt.D. Guy on Miramar.

April 23 dream:  I’m making out with AOC. She kicks out the cat.

April 23 dream:  At skeezy bar. Barman(?) throws out my second drink. I get another in a very crusty cup.

April 22, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Kick errant soccer ball like a pro. Feeling more and more “shitty.” Pass Starbucks Portola. Then on to Mt.D. Feeling more shitty again. Must head to either Starbucks Portola or Safeway for emergency shits. Decide on Portola. Put my things down on table directly across from guy who turned out to be my “Otter Woman” friend Taylor (See diary of July 23, 2017. Relates to shits of April 20 as did guy on Mt.D hier?) Get in line for restroom. Taylor behind. me. I tell him his new haircut looks good. I leave my place in line to order an ice tea. When I get back, Taylor’s gone. See Frank on Gennessee on way home. Get $50 from Janet C. for the BB. Worried about how I’m going to tell Laurie about me and my father on Friday.

April 22 dream:  Drove into town. Two people in the room were familiar with the movie I’d just seen.

April 21, 2019:  Prosperos Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. 14 people attended online. Rick Thomas referred to the Book of John as the Book of Thane. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph and rude new girl at C.B. Walter there for a while. Nice day. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Beautiful guy walking with his girl friend. He smiles at me and I embrace his smile. (*Relates to emergency shits hier at Safeway at about the same time?) Get home around 6 p.m. Anonymous call at 6:15 p.m. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Violations of rule of law threaten intellectual property and value of the individual. My conclusion: Truth is the only arbiter of the rule of law, inviolate, untouchable, urgent, inducing intellectual property of inestimable worth.

April 21 dream:  In Santa Cruz, men who and place which I’d visited before. With girl I liked. Had to take a pee. Little girl wouldn’t (couldn’t?) leave the bathroom. Tom Ammiano  encouraging me about something.

April 21 dream:  Bottle kind of overflows. I drink its contents. Think about sharing it with woman nearby. Don’t.

April 20, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Realize pimple on my nose probably relates to my RHS of father. As does my back/side pain. Henry in backroom of library. Cold windy day. Walk to G.P. Fashion designer barista there. She brought my drink to me at my table. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Decide not to attend family Easter dinner tomorrow. At Tower Market, see magazine on the ground. Turn it over with my foot. It was “Money” magazine. I take that as a sign that my decision re Easter dinner was “on the money.” Reminded me of when I first moved to San Francisco in April of ’78 and I went into the laundry room of my new apartment and heard the word “Money.” Walk to Mt.D. Feel more and more “shitty.” Emergency shits at Safeway. Strange woman worker there stands right outside the bathroom the whole time I was in there. See Steven briefly from the rear. Check out with a very harried Myka, trying to get off work early to attend his parents’ wedding anniversary. Just missed #43 bus. Next one in 58 minutes. So I schlepped home with my grocery bags. Journal idea: How would I react if my father did to my [hypothetical] son what he did to me? In p.m., at first so scared about what I would tell Laurie about why I didn’t come to Easter dinner. Later realized that she probably wasn’t going call. That made me a little mad.

April 20 dream:  Run by woman who likes me for 2nd time in some sort of personalized trial run.

April 20 dream:  Woman leading conference asks everyone to yell: Reborn! I do. No one else does.

April 20 dream:  Take boat ride to L.A. with one of Tom’s friends. A very beautiful Leigh B. turns up. She’s reading a classic book. Then another spookier woman. I tell her: “There is nothing bad.” She likes that. We are now off the coast of New Orleans.

April 20 dream:  There’s a possibility I could be appointed DA of S.F. And somebody else mayor. I’m looking for a newspaper to find out. I’m wearing my drum major hat. On the back of my uniform it says “Women.”

April 19, 2019:  In ’til 2 p.m. dental appointment. Then walk to Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Cute black guy at the back of the bus. I sit near him. Ask him about his flowers (*Relates to emergency shits from April 17 at about the same time?) Go to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk to Mt.D. Get single ring phone call on Mt.D. Cute worker at W.F. Then meet cute bespectacled guy and his dog Teddy at elevator on way up to my apartment. Very friendly dog.

April 19 dream:  The day is saved by someone using a quote from an earlier part of the dream.

April 18, 2019:  Mind-Body discussion group at 2:30 p.m. Due to technical difficulties, ended up being a one-on-one conversation with me and Dr. Stracks. I told him I suspected that I was sexually molested by my father though I had no specific memory of that. I do remember sitting on my father’s bed alone as far as I could see and another memory of how I felt when my father told us he was going to remarry. I went into the den and practically collapsed on the floor saying to myself: “Thank God. Now I can go back to being a normal boy.” And Dr. Stracks said: “Well, we know something bad happened.” After, I walked up to Mt.D. Two women stopped in their car as I was walking up. They opened their window and said: “Keep it up. Amazing.” I say: “I do what I can.” (*This may relate to emergency shits of hier at about the same time. Also I think they were commenting about how I was doing with my inner work on my father.) Take off my shirts on top of Mt.D. so I can wear only one shirt. Asian guy looked like he thought I was coming on to him. Walk to W.F. Then home.

April 18 dream:  Morris-Dees. Small screw on my watch. I’m trying to see what the writing says. At end, with fun, young boss. We were laughing about something.

April 18 dream:  Fooling around with some Russians (or at least that’s what we called them) in a swimming pool area.

April 18 dream:  Al H., Daniel B. and others helping me move stuff out of my old place.

April 17, 2019:  Go to 101. Beautiful butterfly visits us. Busy day. David at Super Duper. Then two or so hours at Rincon. K to the Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Beautiful guy on #35 in backseat smiles as I sit near him. Later I talked to him briefly. I just wanted to get a sense of him, which I did. Stop by C.B. Emergency shits there. Also Zeph. #36 and #43 home. Jerk off. Memory: Nancy leaving me a message that Dad had a (subsequently) fatal stroke back in 1996. Back pain started right after my father died in 1996.

April 17 dream:  See Merv Griffin at ceremonial site(?) They were digging up dirt. He stopped to answer his cellphone. I had to wait behind him. Insight:

April 17 dream:  Big boom in distance. Birds fly over me. Some so close I can feel their feathers. I shoo them away: “Get the fuck out of here.” (Later dream about telling a group of people about this dream.)

April 17 dream:  Getting ready to give some big speech to people that love and know me.

April 16, 2019:  Mind-Body class from 3:30-5:00 p.m. Getting a little tired of this class. Walk to Mt.D. afterwards. Stop by Safeway. See Steven briefly. Then cute guy in aisle 1 (*Perhaps he corresponds to the emergency shits from April 14 rather than the young Asian boy from hier?) Two-ring call at 8:30 p.m.

April 16 dream:  Getting ready at work for big shipment out tomorrow. Elevator problems.

April 15, 2019:  11:30 a.m. one ring call. In ’til 3ish. Drizzly day. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Kind of rainy. Walk up G.C.P anyway. More RHSing of my mother and father and me and my desire to be a “normal” boy even though I knew I wasn’t. Came up with the word “ordinary,” which basically means orderly , everything in its appropriate place (including me). Walking onto #43 bus for last few blocks home. Young Asian boy looks at me like he knows me with such love and knowing. It was unnerving and profound. (*Relates to emergency shits from hier and also the barking dog from Mt.D.?) Then guy after guys gets off at three successive bus stops, each of whom I was attracted to in different ways. See Isaiah at W.F. He’s a student at Skyline College studying psychology. Hanz called about 7 p.m. 8:15 p.m. anonymous call.

April 15 dream:  Guy arranging how four of us guys would be sleeping in the same bed. I started bleeding from my shoulder where I had taken out a small metal rod, so we had to hold up for a moment.

April 15 dream:  Invitation to Tom C’s girlfriend, looking over industrial place where we work.

April 15 dream:  Made date with cute, friendly well-built guy. All my friends in the retirement home were talking about him. Saw him a day early. Wondered what I would do if J. showed up as well. Took street car. Saw Bob M. with slicked down hair. Not sure where in downtown S.F. I was.

April 14, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Then Walter. He and I got to talking about words like dork, wanker, sucks, etc. Left C.B. laughing. Walk thru G.C.P. Distant hawk? Then Mt.D. Very nasty dog threatens me and French family behind me. Emergency shits coming on. I make it to Safeway restroom about 6 p.m. Anonymous call after getting home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Origin and mechanism of painful symptoms may be obscure or protectively hidden. My conclusion: Truth is unprotected invulnerability, all that is happy in being all that is, whose symptoms can only be indicators of wholeness, oneness, and nonredundancy arisen. Send in High Watch Translation Service request: “The Prosperos may have Parkinson’s disease.

April 14 dream:  Time is running out before the show starts and characters need to make the required changes to be ready to perform.

April 14 dream:  Officials deny all culpability. I want to stay behind and plan response and am trusted and allowed.

April 14 dream:  I’m reading an old school paper article I wrote about Ronald Reagan. Guy on our ledge. He pokes spike into one of our very small windows. They are back on the street now. I try to get a license number. One of them has a gun.

April 14 dream:  Walking the streets home. I realized they did not seem familiar. Meet up with two cute little brown boys. Go into resto thru side door. They are serving steaks to a traditional clientele.

April 13, 2019:  Anonymous call around 11:45 a.m. In ’til 3 pm-ish. Henry at library. Walk to G.P. Aging hippie takes photo of me on San Jose Avenue as he rides by on his bike. Jordan at C.B. Also well-built friendly blackish guy who sat next to me. I felt more and more drawn to him so I turned off my cell phone and took the ear plugs out of my ears and waited for an opportunity to speak with him. Then he got up and left. I was too late. Clue for crossword puzzle I was working on at the time: “Missed an easy one.” Answer: BLEWIT. (*Relates to snake and bees dream of April 11, probably.) Walk thru G.C.P. See guy in shiny tights walking away from me. I follow him. He sits down at edge of cliff. I talk to him. He’s a fencing teacher walking back from SOTA to his place near Goat Hill. His name is Raphael. I wish him well. He says: “Maybe we’ll run into each other again.” Later at Portola and O’Shaughnessy, aging hippie photographer from San Jose Avenue rides by again and takes what he says is his last photo. His appearing twice in my journey means I’ve come full circle in some way. Walk to Mt.D. and then to Safeway. Talk for a few minutes with Steven. He is such a sweet boy after you break through his hard outer shell. Later check out with Myka. We talk about climate change. When I get home, I eat ¼ of a pumpkin pie. My side pain  emerges. Probably not an accident that I indulged in sweets which I knew my body would reject after, in effect, rejecting guy at C.B.

April 13 dream:  Walking thru somebody’s nice yard and garden with many others.

April 12, 2019:  In ’til 1:30 or so. Go to Rincon. No Charles at Starbucks. Ed at Super Duper. He wasn’t wearing his SF Giants T-shirt. Two hours or so at Rincon. Take M to Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Gay guy on #35 gives me the eye. Zeph at C.B. I had to tell him the toilet was blocked up. I say: “It wasn’t me!” BART to Balboa Station. Bicyclist on BART. Cute African-American waiting for #29 on Ocean. I get off at next stop to wait 20 minutes for him. When I saw him again, he pretended not to recognize me. See Isaiah at W.F.

April 12 dream:  Reading thru final scene of Ibsen’s “Hedda Gabler,” the play I did in college.

April 12 dream:  Telling a support group that the most important thing I learned was how unexceptional I am. Leader of group wasn’t listening.

April 12 insight:  Me looking for father figure who wouldn’t have sex with me.

April 11, 2019:  Call to owner of home on Teresita at about 11:30 a.m. (*Relates to emergency shits hier at 11:30 a.m. and hawk and crow from April 7?) So excited I got thru my emails, update to the BB the OSF site and Zontaphotos with only one drop off by AT&T. I thought my AT&T problem had been fixed. But no. Realized I would have to stay home for another day waiting for AT&T technician to arrive. Finally he did around 5 p.m. I was, of course, furious. But he was very decent. Very nice. And he apparently found the problem and fixed it. When I took him to the computer room in the basement, I had a deja vu. I realized I had made him into a father figure and found myself automatically getting ready to offer myself to him sexually. Until I caught myself. Anonymous calls at about 4:50 and 6:50 p.m. Later, fantasizing about moving to London, getting a fresh start. Leaving all my problems behind. Or a real possibility for a new home?

April 11 dream:  Poisonous snake bites ____. Bees swarm around. I try to get away.

April 11 dream:  Go down ramp to movie. Bob M. ignores me on the way. I climb on table to get a seat. Guy has slides set up. Film is called “Kissinger.”

April 11 dream:  Administrator of school fixes my dark glasses which had been broken.

4/11/19 dream:  Couple who are friends transform home into stage for Jackie Gleason show. Cute girl leans forward but doesn’t show anything. Then she turns around and sees us. And is surprised.

4/11/19 dream:  Closet piled with unopened boxes (memories?)

April 10, 2019:  9:15 a.m. anonymous call. 101 from 11:30 to 1:30. Emergency shits at 11:30 a.m. at nearby restroom. Skateboarders at Balboa Skatepark get excited on seeing me. See Henry at Ocean and Lee on way home from 101. Online Mind-Body discussion group from 3-4. Connection made between my back pain and family reunion in September of last year and Aunt Joanne moving to S.F. in December. AT&T shows up at 6:15 p.m., but he’s an inside technician, not an outside technician as is needed.

April 10 dream:  At Christmas time, lots of decorations. Planning for upcoming event I would not be attending. Tom C. there.

April 9, 2019:  11:45 a.m. anonymous call. Mind-Body class from 3:30-5:00 p.m. At end I chat: “Thank you Jessica.” She chats back: “Thanks Mike.” (*Relates to emergency shits from April 7 and four hawks from April 6?) After, walk to Mt.D. and back. See Frank (Jesse’s brother) on #43 bus. He invites me to John O’Connell High School fundraiser later this month.

April 9 dream:  My friend starts icing up if I’m not in constant communication with him. I have to go inside, so he’s icing up.

April 9 dream:  Working with Trump on movie about black superhero. He wants me to play the black guy. I say: “Well, it should be me or the black guy sitting across from me.”

April 9 dream:  Guest to me: “Leather seems to terrify you.” Me: “It does?” Guy: “It terrifies me. I don’t see the necessity of it.” Earlier looking thru photos of chubby guys who are feeling beautiful.

April 8, 2019:  9 a.m. anonymous call. Fire alarms going off all morning. Noonish anonymous call. Cute fire alarm guy comes in and says: “We’ll be finished by noon.” I say: “I wish I could believe you.” AT&T guys arrives 2-1/2 hours late. He said he would have called but he didn’t have my number!!! In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Police action at Unity Plaza a block away from home. Zeph at C.B. Have chocolate muffin and iced latte. It was a very warm though overcast day. Leave C.B. about 5 p.m. It’s mistier and mistier. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to Del Vale to Mt.D. My experience with AT&T and with the fire alarms this a.m. led me to RHS my father the whole way. See Isaiah at W.F. Journal about my father when I get home. Imagine tearing up my Saratoga room. Later my Saratoga house.

April 8 lucid dream:  Someone on my balcony.

April 8 dream:  Getting ready to take a series of tests from making a steak sandwich to more academic subjects.

April 8 dream:  Three nuns trying to get into storeroom next to me and another person on my 3rd floor apartment. One nun is quite cute.

April 8 dream:  Laurie wanted me to go steady with her. I wanted to stay free. She had a shoe with a U.S. Stamp in it.

April 7, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. (mostly talking to his female assistant). Also Walter. Take emergency shits at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk and crow. Then hawk by himself. Insight: We all sign “terms and agreements” with our parents. And never read the fine print (’cause we usually don’t even know how to read yet). Couple on top of Mt.D. Guy smiles at me. Officious worker at W.F. tells me to stop until truck backs in. I say: “And you’re the voice of authority?” He says: “Go ahead.” And I do. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Filter function of the liver may get overburdened by toxicity and result in cirrhosis. My conclusion: Truth, Life unending, always functions at the level of appropriate ability to fulfill its purpose of pristine health and immunity from error.

April 6, 2019:  AT&T down again. Anonymous call about noon. In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. Walk to G.P. Guy hitting on fashion designer barista at C.B. I don’t like him ’cause he’s not at all interested in me. Later, when they exchanged phone numbers, I go to the bathroom and think: “No, it’s not just me. He is a creep. He’s just interested in sex. So why is he talking about art?” But maybe she’s just interested is sex, too. Walk thru G.P. Four hawks overhead. Almost trip on way down from Mt.D. Realized trip and fall on March 8 probably related to seeing J. and companion on their bikes on March 31. See Steven on way into Safeway. See Myka briefly on way out. Journaling in the p.m.: AT&T (Ma Bell) is like an abusive parent. You have no choice but to take it. Internal inconsistency about my shaking in Laguna: If they (my parents) find out I don’t need them, then I’ll be all alone.

April 6 dream:  Traveling up the border of Israel. Taking most of the insides out.

April 6 dream:  Doing a thorough cleansing. Our pants are full as we enter the bathroom.

April 5, 2019:  One ring at about noon. In ’til 1ish. Go to Rincon. Cute, short young Asian guy at Ocean and Lee. Guy on K in hoodie. I sit next to him. Gets off at Montgomery Station as did I. Saleslady at newspaper store says: “Big surprise.’ Guy at Super Duper who joked:  “Now that we are partners with the Giants, A’s fans will be charged more.” About 2-1/2 hours at Rincon. Tall, well-built guy walks thru. I had no contact with him but he did affect me nonetheless. [My rule: The affect I have on somebody is equal to the affect they have on me.] S to Castro. Cute young (Italian?) guy with his mother and sister. They get off at Civic Center Station. I change trains there, too. Four young women on M who half-smile at me. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Cute, young guy with his fingers in his mouth on #35. Zeph at C.B. Also excitingly cute young Asian man joins his friends after I give him my table. See Frank and Jesse at Railroad Expresso. While journaling in p.m., remember that my mother used to call me “her little prince.” Remembered that our dog was also named Prince. Question: Am I competing with my parents?

April 5 dream:  Walking out of mostly rebuilt upper floors with Jean Evans.

April 5 dream:  Guy drives into my car. I can’t even finish putting Bernie stickers on my car.

April 5 dream:  At military lost packages center. Song about LBJ and Vietnam.

April 5 dream:  William Fennie and I run into man named Ron. He drives us to Cheetwallis(?) Alley nearby. We run into Al Haferkamp who laughs when he sees me and William among the unfamiliar faces in the car. He gets something from the back of the car.

April 4, 2019:  2:30 anonymous call. 3:30 Mind-Body discussion group. Only 4 of us. One of the women smiled at me like woman at C.B. hier. Made me feel on the verge of tears. I brought up the apparent connection between food and pain. Dr. Stracks said that was probably due to mental conditioning. I liked that answer. After group, crossing Frida Kahlo Way, I felt so proud and happy, I could barely keep my feet on the ground. Go to Arizmendi for gluten-free bread. Have chocolate muffin and latte at Peets Cole Street in celebration of Dr. Strack’s comment. Very cute sweet young baristo there.

April 4 lucid dream:  Boat to arrive at S.F. Transbay Terminal.

April 4 lucid dream:  At long banquet table, somebody says: “I think we might be bothering them.”

April 4 insight:  As a kid I felt my anger was too strong, not just at school but at home. Therefore I am too powerful.

April 4 dream:  I tell my secretary with jagged fingernail that she should take care of that before she hurts somebody.

April 4 dream:  My well-dressed male boss hangs himself.

April 4 dream:  Take test. I am first to finish. Put paper clip on papers. Take elevator down. Two students already on elevator.

April 4 dream:  A black guy tries to bully me at our table. I slapped his face and spit food at him.

April 3, 2019:  AT&T was supposed to arrive between 10 am and noon. They finally arrived at 1:20 p.m. And left about 2:30 p.m. The connection outside was faulty. (Moon wobble?) Beautiful guy walking up Plymouth. Tall, friendly black guy smiles at me in front of Ingleside library. Walk to G.P. English couple smile at me in the midst of my 1st step of Translation. Zeph at C.B. Also middle-aged woman smiled at me. It threw me off. Was she coming on to me? Reminded me of time Jane Kennedy smiled at me at 101 Market. I knew she meant well, but it really freaked me out. Relates, I think, to my mother doing the same thing. Smiling at me and expecting me to smile back, whether I felt like it or not. So I did, but iI didn’t like it. And when she died, my egocentricity was let loose and I looked at it as the beginning of my life of fame and importance, no longer the slave to motherly demands and needs. Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Henry at W.F. (See diary of February 25.) He really is beautiful . . . and gay.

April 3 dream:  Lots of physical activity. Crissing and crossing. (h.o.)

April 3 dream:  Guy screwed me three times. Final time he caught #35 bus and didn’t hold it for me. Girl came up to me thinking I was getting ready to pay for prostitution as I looked thru my change to see if I had enough for the bus.

April 3 dream:  Trish Matute was elected mayor San Francisco by six votes. I make big mistake at work. Then have nothing to do. Man and very cute little boy come into store. He says to his father: “You should tell them” or something like that.

April 2, 2019:  Call asking for John Pinkerton. She says: “Are you guys planning anything?” I say: “We’re thinking of getting married.” She says: “We can make you a gazebo.” Later anonymous call at 2 pm-ish. Mind-Body class No. 2 at 3:30. Felt really good after class. After, walk to Mt.D. Starts raining on way down. A couple of cute guys on #43 on way home. Plus one on Ocean Avenue. Did good RHS of my father in p.m.

April 2 dream:  A couple of guys on our exploratory group have become clear. That is, they no longer have a history.

April 1, 2019:  Tough nite last nite. In ’til 3ish. Young Riordan high school student in front of W.F. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Also guy who kind of looked like Charles (from CCSF Comparative Religion class). He left and I took that as my cue to leave as well. Didn’t really have time to catch up with him. But as I was throwing away my paper cup, he came back in looking for something. I said: “Did you leave something behind?” He said: “No, I’m just looking for napkins.” So I offered him the napkin container. Nice smile. Walk thru G.C.P. Then up to Mt.D. Had some side pain from chocolate chip cookie I had. Realize side pain was my father disallowing me from anything I might enjoy. Since I never stood up to him when he was alive, side pain may be giving me the opportunity to stand up to him now. Artificial tear solution at #43 bus stop. See Jared on Ocean Avenue. Catch up with him. We talk for a few minutes. He doesn’t invite me to join him at Mexican resto. I feel bad. (*Relates to shits at G.C.P. hier?) Meet baby (and father) on elevator on way home.

April 1 dream:  At party or class. I’m lying on mat underneath a few girls. Someone says I better not look up their dresses. I didn’t really want to. Guy’s thumb is injured.

April 1 dream:  Road on the way to G.G. Bridge is suddenly out. We are in yellow school bus.

April 1 dream:  Dance of the scissors starts out slow. All women and me. I am in very front row.

April 1 dream:  Four in a pod. There were only supposed to be two. Liz Andres pulled all sorts of levers to get us down. Thane said to Liz: “You did that all by yourself.” Then some Middle Eastern family upset about their breakfast order.

March 31, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walking to G.P, See someone who looked like J. on a bike. He smiled at me. He was followed by girl on a bike who smiled even more. (*Relates to 4 hawks at G.C.P. hier?) Later see woman riding alone. Not sure if it was the same woman. Talk with Walter at C.B. After, rush to G.C.P. bathroom to take an emergency shit. Then run into drummer from The Lost Church, on Mt.D. On way down, some hikers ask: “Is this the way up?” I say: “Yes.” They say: “What’s it like up there?” I say: “Calm.” Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Some memories may stay hidden due to the threat of overwhelming emotion when exposed. My conclusion: Truth is the harmonious, appropriate, straight-forward, even-handed application of power. No response at all from anyone in group about my carefully worded email about the Monday Night Group. Also Michigan State makes the Final Four in NCAA tournament.

March 31 dream:  Indians give us something. We’re not sure how to respond.

March 31 dream:  Supposed to meet Bob M. on first day of gay festival. I climb out window of guy I was “baby sitting” He’s in bed with his girlfriend. Run into Bob in the street. He’s telling me all about his Day 1. Also cute guy in white band leader’s uniform. He holds my hand a little longer than I expected. Wondered if I should stay with him. Then he motioned somebody to do something.

March 31 dream:  Well-built guy tied up I the bathtub. I feel him up as I untie him. Then I finger-fuck him and let him go. He’s mad.

March 30, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. with a female assistant. Nice day. Walk thru G.C.P. Four hawks overhead. Two guys about to set off a drone on top of Mt.D. Cute guy in shorts I follow up Bella Vista ’til I lose him. Myka at Safeway. Also cute guy in line behind me with friendly smile. Wait for him to exit Safeway. Miss #43 by less than a minute. Wait for 35 minutes for next bus.(*Relates to “You’ll Pay for That” sign from March 29?) Eating a small chocolate bar started up my side pain again.

March 30 dream:  Throwing things in the garage which is about to become an extended kitchen.

March 30 dream:  Going off to be deflowered. Guy in party hat asks: “How many are in your family?” I say: “There’s four of us. Four kids. I’m one of them.”

March 30 dream:  Talking with older woman manager of hotel about Truman Capote play. Patrick Swayze there. Then she and I are in front row of small play. I start collating something and stand in her way. She is insulted and leaves. I say: “I’m sorry.”

March 30 memory:  It was my father whom I feared at the International Date Line on our trip to Japan aboard ship.

March 29, 2019:  4 a.m. anonymous call. Two anonymous calls at about 6:30 a.m. Go to 101. Talk with my Salesforce friend from Antioch for about half an hour. We talked about “instant karma.” After 101, looked for #45 Union bus to camera store in the Marina. Got very confused (just like hier on the way to G.P. FromMt.D.) Finally find right bus stop. Platinum blonde woman from New Jersey at camera store. Very hot guy on Chestnut. I followed him to his gym and stayed long enough to see him start exercising. Went to cafe across the street. #43 home. Cute Asian guy with tight ass (in a good way) got on bus with me. I vowed to stay with him ’til he got off, which he did at Balboa Park, a few stops beyond my usual stop. Then I got off and came back on #8BX. Driver yelled “Last Stop! Last Stop!” Made eye contact with him before de-bussing. Walk up to Mt.D. and back. “You’ll pay for that” sign on #36 bus. Insight: Maybe there is a connection between disappointment with world leaders and with my father.

March 29 memory:  Listening to presidential debate at LGBT center on Market Street in 1992, I think. Cute guy rubbed up against me. He then walked out. I stayed. I said, in effect: I don’t want you to make me happy. I want my father (my world) to make me happy.

March 29 dream:  Am staying at really nice house for a little while longer. I put on a “jacket” (really a nice silk shirt). My host gets up to say goodbye. I say: “I won’t be leaving for another hour or two.” Train is just outside.

March 29 dream:  I am moved to tears with what the astronauts are doing. I’m talking with others on TV about it. How this is a big step for mankind.

March 29 dream:  Talking with guy about talking to the dead. He says I can’t talk to their memories. God has placed them in memoriam. I said that doesn’t make sense. (h.o.)

March 29 dream:  Guy says to me: “Who am I?” I say: “You are Grandma Smith . . . to me.” Earlier someone gave me a dusty hard candy.

March 28, 2019:  In ’til 2:45ish. Walk to Mt.D. from Ocean and Miramar. Hawk on Lansdale. Realize pelvic pain may be related to RHS of my mother for getting back at me for no longer needing her, and thus giving her a reason to love. Jordan at C.B. It rains really heavily just as I arrive. Guy came into C.B. and left to resto across the street. After, I went there just to check him out. We had significant eye contact. (*Relates to distant hawk from hier?) #23 to Railroad Expresso. Jesse waves hello #43 home. Cute, tall dark-haired guy at W.F.

March 28 dream:  The sign will come after a verb and an adverb.

March 28 dream:  House sitting, I say to William Fannie character: “You are the worst.” He says: “Did Alana tell you to say that?”

March 28 dream:  My father (?) saying to me: “Pull your pants down.” It felt empowering. I had something he wanted.

March 27, 2019:  3 anonymous calls in a.m.  (Also three shits.) In ’til 1ish. Go to Rincon. Insight; Not only did I enjoy whatever my father and I did but I realized I had taken my mother’s place. And that I could take my mother’s place. Think fearful reaction to kissing Cree at 1969 LSD party may relate to my fear of revenge from womankind for knowing that I (we) don’t need them. Guy at Spear and Mission I cruised who looked back at me a couple of times. 2 hours or so at Rincon. After, go to Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. “Exposed” boy (see diary of February 6) on #35. Zeph at C.B. Guy sitting next to me smiles as I leave. Distant hawk over G.P.

March 27 dream:  Tall prison building we wanted to move from Turkey to the new country. Used to be part of Central Y.

March 27 dream:  Worker gives me a new corner floor. When they leave with a few of my books, I go after them, taking back what I wanted and leaving the rest. Empty box from Rilke.

March 27 dream:  Hungry and with two young guys in store. Almost get in fight with old man. Woman at counter bets she could get 5 more cents out of me. So I buy a card to send to my father. On return address, I put “Dad.” I ask how it will get to him. She says “Just put it in the bowl.” At mention of the bowl, old man runs around in excitement.

March 26, 2019:  Had online Mind-Body class No. 1 today from 3:30-5:00 p.m. Most were from Chicago. About 12 people total. After, walked to Mt.D. Nice Asian guy crowing at crows on Frida Kahlo. Then smiles at me and calls me “Sir.” Self-absorbed couple on top of Mt.D. Insight: I may have enjoyed whatever my father did to me on his bed, in his bedroom. And maybe that’s what I’m ashamed of. Followed W.F. worker into W.F. Ordered burrito ’cause of cute gay guy who was ordering something else. As he left, he looked up and smiled at me.

March 26 dream:  Almost literally I choke on a frog in my throat.

March 26 dream: Friend of teacher is going to talk about racial(?) discrimination in and from Barrettsville, N.C. (or S.C.)

March 26 dream:  Run into Laurie on her way home from work. (She looked exactly like photo of her I had seen before). Went to Leigh’s. Talked about what movies we would see at dinner. People were talking about their nationalities. I fell asleep. Had to put in a lot of effort to make up.

March 26 dream:  Driving home from usual walk. Pope now there at remodeled building. Stop at train crossing. Two green commuter trains pass. Then have trouble seeing if there’s another train before I cross the tracks myself.

March 25, 2019:  Anonymous call at 10:30ish. 2nd anonymous call about 1 p.m. In ’til 2:45ish. Rainy day. K and J to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Buy chocolate muffin to go at his recommendation. Gay guy at G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. RHSing my father some more. Isaiah at W.F.

March 25 dream:  Try to get new dates for DemocracyNow and other programs and events.

March 25 dream:  Big truck drives to cusp of very big hole. Then I’m thumbing thru art book about Experiment 99A-Seventeen. Others complain I’m in the way.

March 25 dream:  Two old ladies get locked out of their place on busy street. They think I am the manager of the building even though I tell them I’m not. It’s about 2:45 p.m. They ask me to wait around a while. One of their friends is a teacher I took a course in comparative religion from last summer. He says he doesn’t remember me.

March 25 dream:  Woman in fancy dress. Her bum is exposed. I get hard.

March 24, 2019:  In ’til 11am. Go to Ft. Mason Bernie rally on #43. Dark-haired guy with Roman nose gets off at Foerster. Later blond guy with bright baby blue satin shorts. Also see “surprise” on way. Guy from Chron likes my Bernie T-shirt and takes my photo. (*Relates to CCSF hawk from hier and to “surprise” from earlier today?) Am very moved by Bernie rally. As John F. and I leave Ft. Mason, I wave to Bernie’s white SUV. (*Relates to 2nd hawk from way down Mt.D. hier?) Nice baristo on Chestnut Street. Guy wearing a gold watch I talked to while waiting for #43 Home. Walk to Mt.D. and back. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Technology will make secrets impossible and cause potential misuse of power. My conclusion: Truth is the infinite ability, infinite power of one being, one intelligence (with nothing set aside or secret), whose only potential is the crafting together of appropriate usefulness.

March 24 dream:  Roseanne (Liz Andrews) getting really mad at us for not cleaning the house her way. But Tom Arnold is going to buy the place so that is a relief. All that was left of the house appeared to be the floors.

March 24 dream:  Louise Hay is my supervisor. She says I can sit there I want to because “Donald Trump says so.” There is an empty desk. No phone. No computer. And nothing to do. I’m looking for a Chron to see if I made it in.

March 24 dream:  Free tea and coffee in celebration of fireworks last night. I didn’t go, but those who did had red marks on their necks and faces.

March 23, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry at library counter. Walk to G.P. thru CCSF. Hawk over CCSF Science building. Fashion designer barista at C.B. Also guy sitting next to me drinking regular cup of coffee. Walk thru G.C.P. Then to Mt.D. Hawk on way down from Mt.D. Steven at Safeway. Guy at aisle 7. then at checkout counter talking with Myka in front of me in line. (*Relates to hawk on Mt.D. from hier?) He told Myka he just returned to SF from Humboldt County. And he sort of jumped in excitement while talking to Myka. Feeling sad during the day. Probably about losing my relationship with my father. But thankful to J for playing the role of my father so I could go through this drama again and get it right. See “Michigan State” twice while watching Ordinary People for the umpteenth time. Shits about 12:30 a.m.

March 23 dream:  Two of us sent out of school even though we had much to do. I was supposed to learn about German cooking.

March 23 dream:  People push to keep man off streetcar ’cause he’ll arrest me for a national crime.

March 23 dream:  Sitting in big crowd. J to my left and to my right. I am holding two cigarettes. He thinks I am offering him one. He says: “That was a bad move.” The guy behind him is smoking. Earlier, houses collapses and long-legged comic character emerges walking along the street and climbing a building. It was cool to watch. Wished I had my camera.

March 22, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry at library checkout counter. Rainy day. Take J train to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Rain clears up. Walk thru G.C.P. Then cute guy, looks kind of like J., leaving Mollie Stone’s on Portola. Then toothless baby smiles broadly at me from her stroller on Rockdale Drive. Then red-tailed hawk at top of Mt.D. On way down, hawk circles me twice within 10-15 feet of my face. Then overweight friendly black dog with its owner. Insight: Not liking blowjobs as much as everybody else seems to may relate to what my father did to me.

March 22 dream:  Supposed to be designing an employee benefits website. Don’t know where to begin. (*Relates to my RHS of my father.)

March 22 insight:  My relationship with J is a repeat of my relationship with my father. If I talk to him about it, he will deny it. On my part, if other relationship opportunities come up, I defer in favor of my father/J.

March 21, 2019:  Anonymous calls at 9 a.m. and 10 a.m. In ’til 3ish. See Henry at library, in the stacks. Then whole set of keys on top of news rack on Ocean Avenue. #43 to Arizmendi bakery. Hawk over Laguna Honda. Rude woman on bus. N to Peets Cole Street. Rude guy there. #43 home early. Decide to walk to Mt.D. Get to top. Think I forgot my camera case. RHSing my father. And the trap I was in with him. Remembered sitting on his bed with my legs open and how sexy I felt walking in front of the Menlo Park house afterwards. Then my extreme relief when Dad told us he was going to remarry. I went into the den and said to myself: “Thank God. Now I can go back to being a normal boy.” (*Relates to seeing keys today. Also fall on Mt.D. on March 8?) Was my father a pedophile? Did I consider my father my lover? TMS: Lack of leadership leads to being weak-kneed.

March 21 dream:  There’s a special at resto for 60 and over. I joke with waiter that my friend is 60. Woman sitting on ground and shaking, is from Saratoga. Is also probably 60.

March 21 dream:  Tom O. or somebody comes into my room and says if I tell anyone, I’m dead. I say. “Okay.”

March 21 dream:  Bob M. and I slip thru back way to get in without paying for gay fashion show.

March 21 dream:  Returning to SF after being away for a while. Big bus following us. Guy gives command to stop here. Glad to be back. A little embarrassed.

March 21 insight:  Maybe my back pain wasn’t about J after all. Maybe it was about my father. Maybe my relationship with J is about my relationship with my father.

March 20, 2019:  Two anonymous calls in a.m. Another about 12:45 p.m. In ’til 1 pm-ish. Go to Rincon. Charles not at Starbucks. Max at Super Duper. Take F to Castro. Black guy hitting on black girl in seat in front of me. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Woman on #35 saying: “It’s over. It’s over.” Zeph at C.B. Also beautiful young Filipino(?) guy. Plus other older guy with nice ass who was checking me out. Guy on #43. Well-built. Tattooed. He waited for large semi unloading at W.F. I waited with him. When he got the signal it was safe, he signaled me as well. TMS: Anxiety is the pain. Anxiety is caused by feeling trapped.

March 20 dream:  “Unwrapping” really beautiful young man.

March 20 dream:  Bill Moyers reads the poem of a great man who just passe don .

March 20 dream:  I’m still going to school. Wondering what it will be like when I start working.

March 20 dream:  Steering wheel comes off my ’57 Mercedes Benz. Wondering whether I should pay to have it fixed. I am “dating” Roger Eshelman’s old girlfriend and wondering how to break it off with her. Go to big conference. Young girl asks me what it’s like to be working. I say: “I’m still in school.” Young boy comes by as well.

March 19, 2019:  Realize back pain is probably related to fear that my father will find out I’m about to be happy. Johann Hari on Majority Report. In ’til 3sh. Walk to G.P. Get wrong number phone call. Just after I block the number, see beautiful white man with dreadlocks. I admire him. He smiles back at me. (*Relates to distant hawk and black guy at G.B. crosswalk on March 17?) Jordan at C.B. Distant hawk at G.C.P. See two policemen walk out of Starbucks Portola. One is good-looking Asian guy whose face seems familiar. I turn around for a second look. Other policeman smiles and waves at me. Homeless guy walking down Mt.D. path dragging open sleeping bag behind him. W.F.

March 19 dream:  Changing buses. I am not liked by all. I say hi to them anyway. Am writing book about my life. Someone asks me where I’m going. I say: “California, I live there.“

March 19 dream:  Remembered bird cage I hadn’t taken care of in ages. Birds still alive. I add water.

March 19 dream:  Was at resto counter ordering food with group of people. Only I wasn’t ordering. I was making jokes.

March 18, 2019:  9 a.m. anonymous call. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Distant hawk, looking back. Go to Mt.D. Woman jogger coming up behind me gives me a scare. Still thinking about whether my father beat his wife like he beat Tom and I. Listen to Dr. Strack video: He said TMS can sometimes be caused by change in marital status.

March 18 dream:  Don’t really want to go to Hellenic play, but I stand around ’til guy asks me to go. It’s a Thursday nite.

March 18 dream:  I’m sliding down 101 in S.F. Near naked guy motions for me to stop. I keep going. Go down one steep hill okay. Then run into big hole with lots of people trying to get thru. Big black guy in half-truck, half animal waiting, bored, on a side road. Everybody, mostly overweight young women, trying to find a way thru.  (*Relates to AOL going out on me on March 19?)

March 17, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See “Believe it or . . .” on way. Distant hawk and sexy black guy at G.P. crosswalk. Zeph at C.B. When I leave, only one customer left. The ebb before the tsunami? Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Nice day. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: We are overwhelmed by excessive information, but censoring blocks its free flow. My conclusion: Truth is formless knowing, never excessive, always free-flowing. Anonymous call around 7:30ish.

March 17 lucid dream:  Little boy runs out in the street. I grab him.

March 17 dream:  Big earthquake. After, we all go to the classroom with large panel windows  and lots of 20ish students.

March 17 RHS to myself:  You were just being a self-centered kid when you said to yourself as you saw the press and the police arrive at your mother’s murder: “It’s beginning.” J. teaching me healthy selfishness.

March 17 talking to my back pain:  What are you saving me from? Answer: Him, my father. Then wondered, for the first time ever, did my father hit my mother as well? He hit Tom and I.

March 16, 2019:  Called the VA. They said I had recovered nicely from my head injury. In ’til 2:30ish. Henry at back room of library. Walk to G.P. Fashion designer barista gives me 1-1/2 almond biscottis. Read about “chemical residue” from Sarno’s Mind over Back Pain. Warm day. Walk thru G.C.P. Thinking about my TMS and what my back pain was trying to tell me. Since pain is worse late in the evening and during the night, realize perhaps my back pain is telling me I’m ashamed ’cause I don’t have a partner. As I think this, guy walking down Mt.D., says “Just the thing!” See Steven and Myka at Safeway. Talk with Myka on way out. RHS of my father. Realize he’ll never be able to give me the kind of love I want. It’s okay. I can do without.

March 16 insight:  Back pain may be related to football games and me not knowing enough about them to my father’s liking.

March 16 dream:  Me moving my spherical shits from ice box to garbage can, or something like that.

March 15, 2019:  Anonymous call about 9:15 a.m. Had interview with Dr. Strack re my TMS back pain. He asked me: “What do you like about J.?” I say something. Later, thinking it through, I think it’s because he’s uncivilized, untameable. As I was thinking this, guy on San Jose Avenue smiles at me. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Also a whole bunch of very nasty women, to quote Mr. Trump. Walk thru G.C.P. Distant hawk in the sky. Then to Mt.D. Then home. See Henry at Ocean and Lee just as I did one week ago at the same location. I told him my head wound is all healed up. He didn’t seem so sure. Gay guy at W.F. smiles at me. I stand behind him at checkout counter. There is a barrel of candy there called “Unreal.” Anonymous call at about 6 or 7 p.m.

March 15 dream:  Email or phone number of teacher union which has the info we/they need.

March 15 dream:  Walking through gay area. Guy playing with penis-shaped squirt gun. Suddenly I realize I’ve lost everything except very brief underwear. Guy says he’ll put me up.

March 15 dream:  In unfamiliar part of S.F., climbing up trail. Horse and some guys walking down trail. Guy says of horse: “He’s dead.” Then I see three mountain lions and a guy in on the kill of the horse.

March 14, 1019:  Anonymous call about 10:30 a.m. In ’til 3 pm-ish. Henry at library. Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Cute, hot Asian guy walks in. I look at him intently. In fact, I can’t take my eyes off him. As he left, I looked at him directly. He returned the look. I was both coming on to him and thinking: Are you really okay with this? (*Relates to last dream of March 12.) Perhaps that’s what my TMS is all about. I’m not repressing my rage. I’m repressing my sexuality. And this explains my relationship with John as well. Walk happily thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Beautiful day. I like the new time change. Plenty of daylight in the p.m.

March 14 dream:  Cenk Ugyur following me across a large lawn to continue a conversation with me.

March 14 dream:  Jerry Brown became governor after 8 years of Gavin Newsom. Jerry had been lieutenant governor for 8 years.

March 13, 2019:  In ’til 10:30 a.m. 101. See my Asian friend (from behind). Very cold. Not one person took our literature. Nice Canadian couple (of course) talked to us at the end of the shift. Max at Super Duper was dancing to the music as he took my order. Two hours at Rincon. Read letter from Mayor’s offIce on housing. They say if I make more money that I need to move out of my BMR. Glad they think I might be making more money. On way out was thinking my “headaches” are sinus headaches. As I was thinking this, building guard smiled at me. Take J to Church. Walk to Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Zeph at C.B. Also cute blond, straight guy, I assume. #23 and #43 right away.

March 13 dream:  Waiting for people to get off the bus. Not sure they are who they said they were.

March 13 dream:  David Weinman, Bill Floyd and others bring their esoteric conversation to our front yard.

March 13 dream:  On dirt path, run across man completely covered by boa constrictor. I throw something at it. There is a puff of dust or smoke. (*The puff of smoke relates to thinking about my headaches/body aches in the shower.)

March 12, 2019:  Anonymous call about 10:30 a.m. Also call about 1 pm-ish. Insight: Maybe my back pain doesn’t relate to J, but to Trump. Walk to G.P. I sit next to a regular, a young guy I’ver never really spoken to, for 2nd day in a row. Jordan is barista. Met Bernie, the dog, at G.C.P. I throw a frisbee to him a few times. He jumps up and catches it in mid-air. And then he brings frisbee back to me instead of his owner. See Taylor at Starbucks Portola. Distant hawk on way up Mt.D. and mid-range on way down. RHS my mother on way home.

March 12 dream:  Working on myself. Then with my parents and why I have terrible relationships. It rains. Then it hails. I think: “It’s Saturday night. I’ll walk home thru the Castro.”

March 12 dream:  Locking up the boss’s car. His wife (or 2nd in command) gets in car and takes off.

March 12 dream:  Just moved to Oregon. Listen to young male governor. Don’t hear the info we need. Later he’s on a raid.

March 12 dream:  On open-air trolly in NYC. Friendly with other tourists. We go into massive indoor area with big glass colored ceiling. Someone was trying to be provocative by asking what would happen if it all came down?

March 12 insight: My back muscle grasping relates to my grasping onto my identity as coming from God.

March 12 dream:  I am laying in abandoned street. Guy comes up to me. I am tired and weak. Then we are in room all alone. I open the door. Others come in . At one point, he takes off his shirt. I touch his back. Many of us embrace. Lots of ships and other aquatic things seem to race by. I think one of the ships is the USS Mt. Baker (AE-4 ammunition ship) which I served on in the Navy. It was not, but it was a similar ship. At end, I am walking briskly, happily along rain-soaked street looking forward to seeing him again.

March 11, 2019:  Anonymous call at 9 am-ish. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Emergency at CCSF. Movie still being made on Edna Street. Owners at C.B. Beautiful day. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to Teresita to Mt.D. Guy on scooter on Frida Kahlo. He looked twice at me and vice versa. I think it’s J. Or it might have been somebody else. (*Relates to shits at Safeway from 3/9, I think.)

March 11 dream:  Resetting the clock in a well. Jesus is tied to the bottom portion. When the bell stands upright, his weight will make it go vertical. Calvin is “helping.”

March 11 dream:  In spite of myself, got excited about Prosperos at one day assembly. Especially when I found out that we had 35 students in Mexico. About 30 people there, including Perry Dickey. Guy at hostel wants to show me some brochures. He says: “I’ve been studying for 35 years. It’s time for me to get a job.”

March 11 dream:  Driving to meeting. Girl talking with other girls about how she only pretends to live in S.F. She really still lives in L.A. ’cause of her football player boyfriend. I say to myself: “You’re not so great. You’re mad at being excluded from this conversation just ’cause you’re a guy.

March 10, 2019:  2-ring call about 1 pm-ish. Walk to G.P. Begins to hail. Reaches climax when I reach the doorway of C.B. Everybody is looking outside. At first, I think they’re looking at me. Zeph makes a point of saying goodbye to me. I Translate on way home through G.C.P and Mt.D. Two conclusions: Truth believes in Itself. Also: Truth is a placebo (Latin for “I will please.”) Guy on Evelyn smiling inwardly as I admire him. See car called Moab parked kitty-corner from car called Rubicon. Policeman cruising neighborhood on walk down from Mt.D. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Insufficient skill and lack of dominion causes poor quality and state of limbo. My conclusion: Truth is limitless, limbo-less skill, super-vision, the only doing, and all that is done.

March 10 dream:  Woman I’m with doesn’t like me very much so I flirt with the other woman.

March 10 dream:  “Bodyguard” is asleep at the job. Celebrity he’s guarding is a little too full of himself.

March 9, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Young people making movie on Edna Street. Fashion designer barista there. Walk to G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Begin to feel “shitty” again like I did exactly one week ago. Not quite as bad but thankful I could get to Safeway bathroom almost immediately. See Steven in the aisles. Then talk with Myka at checkout.

March 9 dream:  Get last seat in barber shop for Thane Sunday Meeting.

March 9, 2019:  Police work is done. Now it’s time for the courts.

March 9, 2019:  Have to get to fancy house where I work. Person who gave me pouched egg takes it back. There’s going to be a debate today so the owners of the house will be out.

March 8, 2019:  In ’til 2:30ish. Go to library. Henry there! Have good conversation with him. So good to see him again. Have nice talk with Ray at San Jose Avenue liquor store about the need for meditation in the midst of activity. Zeph at C.B. He’s having a bad day. I’m reaching behind me for free paper. Having a little trouble. Nice pretty young lady helps me out. I feel obligated to her. Catch myself. Walk up Chenery to G.C.P. Cute bicyclist stops on side of road. I check to see if he is J. I don’t think he is, so I move on. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. On way down, slip and fall, roll over completely at least once and hit my head on the ground. Later at Ocean and Lee, see Henry again. He tells my my head is bleeding. I go home and clean up.

March 8 dream:  See Perry Dickey, Suzanne Deakins and Grandma Smith at hotel assembly. Suzanne is sitting next to Grandma Smith. I kiss Grandma Smith hello. (h.o.)

March 8 dream:  I volunteered to give one of Thane’s classes called “Resurrection.” I see Bernie Sanders come home. He asks me: “What do you think is the relationship between consciousness and the human anatomy?”

March 8 dream:  Guy at counter said it might be a while. I wondered how they know what I wanted as I hadn’t even ordered yet.

March 7, 2019:  10 am-ish anonymous call just as I’m getting up. In ’til noonish. Go to VA to pick up new shoes. Sweet black veteran there before me. See Jackie on way out. Guy on Anza with his pants hanging down smiles at me as he gets into his car. Strange guy in G.G.P. sort of walks right into me. Hot guy on bike in G.G. P. I wolf-call him. Then he stops his bike. I talk with him briefly. I say: “Is that a 10-speed bike?” he says: “Oh, no, it’s much more than that. “ Homeless but cute guy near arboretum. Go to Arizmendi. See Fred C., I think, on 9th Avenue. Let N train go by, but lose him. Catch 3rd N in a row to Peet’s Cole Street. Dog throws up while I’m waiting for #43 home. Then see Homer F. just as #43 arrives. Talk briefly. Weird guy on #43 smiles at me. At home, finally throw X’mas tree away. Meet cute guy with fancy tote bags on elevator. I’m way too charming! He likes me. I was just being charming! Insight: Back pain due to me pushing too soon to  finish the contract with J. before it was fulfilled. See “Lourdes” in the dictionary.

March 7 dream:  Playing a guessing game on top of building while waiting for something. Guy asks me: “How old is this piece of metal?”

March 7 dream:  Luke Perry-looking guy shows off his apartment to me. He’s got wood-paneling and then TV showing wood-paneling and then what’s behind the wood paneling. I say: “Nice job with the fake humility.”

March 7 dream:  Finished project at work. It was being printed off. Was very impressive. One woman went home early due to unexpected sad news.

March 6, 2019:  Anonymous call just as I’m taking a shit at 1 pm-ish. In ’til 1:30ish. Go to Rincon. Angry homeless black guy on K on way. I Translated. Realized he just wanted attention. Or in other words, what he really wanted was love. He got off shortly thereafter. See Charles at Starbucks Market Street on the way. Max at Super Duper. Two hours at Rincon. Take M home. Sit next to cute gay guy. He gets off at Church. So do I. I walk up to the Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Young boy on #35 seems to want my attention so I give it to him. Decide not to stop by C.B. today. Then home on #23 and #43. Cute Japanese guy talking with his friends about snow on T.P. I joined in the conversation. I said: “Probably no more chance this year for snow.” He said: “Not unless we get another cold front.” Followed his group into W.F.

March 6 dream:  Melissa moving her wet clothes out of the way so I can sleep on the kitchen counter.

March 6 dream:  Martin Luther King, Jr., liked grilled cheese sandwiches.

March 6 dream:  Hospital on 1st floor of building, giving out “Stooli” medicines to take before heart operations. I need to go to 2nd floor to take care of some business.

March 5, 2019:  In ’til 2:30ish. No Henry at library. Walk to G.P. Hear owl on San Jose Avenue. Cute blue-eyed policeman at liquor store. My substitute teacher friend Noah (from Fog Lifter Cafe) at C.B. Also Jordan. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Cute Latino guy on Portola. He kind of looked like J. so I stopped by to talk with him. I asked him what they were doing. He said they’re looking for a water main. I said, “Good luck.” Run into freelance report and her dog Sammy on Mt.D. (who I had met there on February 4). At peak of Mt.D, two or three crows flying right on top of me. It began raining. No Henry at W.F. either.

March 5 dream:  Get new shirt in clothing class. It’s very beautiful. More like a coat with a bare midriff.

March 5 dream:  I like two guys at work, even though one has large blemish or two on his back. Calvin seems me liking them.

March 4, 2019:  See “Colorado State University” online. In ’til 2:30ish. Go to library hoping to see Henry. He’s not there. Buy paper at Walgreens. Bunch of noisy, bratty school kids ahead of me in line. When they finally leave, I say: “Goodbye, kids.” One turns around and says: “Goodbye.” Then he asks me my name. I tell him. He was very sweet. Totally turned around my experience with them. Walked to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Then down to G.P. See hawk/crows on Teresita? Jordan at C.B. Leave at 5:30ish. Catch #23 just as it’s leaving. Guy on bus looks kind of like J. if J. were a lot older and in pretty rough condition. But something about the hair on the back of his head later convinced me that it was J. indeed. He got off at Foerster. I got off at the next stop and probably would have gone back to look for him but my next bus was already taking off. Later at home receive one-ring call around 6:30ish. Then two-ring call around 8ish. (*Relates to shits from March 2?  I think so.)

March 4 dream:  Getting ready for big gay parade. It’s very soon and I may have overlooked getting a lot of envelopes ready.

March 4 dream:  We do a bit of remodeling at work. One of my female co-workers says: “There’s nothing like having a queer brother.” I agree: “Yes, there’s nothing like having a queer broth. I don’t have one, but my brother does.”

March 3, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. See white dog with its owners on elevator. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Very full. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to Mt.D. Hear distant owl on Mt.D. Then sirens. Realize I should have waited for Henry hier (See diary of March 2.) On reaching home, see same white dog as I saw at the beginning of my walk. Then long-haired guy at rear of W.F. (*Relates to shits of hier? No. See diary of March 4.) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Strong emotions can be threatening due to conflicts within person and between people. My conclusion: Truth is an open-ended, all-able, all-powerful public agreement within one private, all-inclusive individuation. Two anonymous calls in p.m.

March 3 dream:  Helping Nannie up from the table. She could hardly stand.

March 3 dream:  Hanging out with Uncle Larry and others. Happy.

March 2, 2019:  Misty day. Henry at library. He had a large pile of DVDs to process so I went to the other guy. I should have waited. Walked to C.B. Fashion designer barista there. Very crowded. Walk thru G.C.P. and Mt.D. RHSing my father vis-a-vis my standing up to Carl. Feeling more and more “shitty.” Will I make it to Safeway restroom? Yes! I see Myka but when I get to check out, he’s not there. Walk to bus stop. My double bag breaks. I go back to Safeway and get in Myka’s line. He has only one person with very few items. I say: “I guess my bags broke because of the weather.” He says: “No, probably just bad luck.” I think: “Not really such bad luck. It allowed me to come back and talk to you.” Walk home.

March 2 dream:  Male initiation rite at SFO. Guy was telling me about it. Oscar Wilde and his Swedish half-sister Beatrice were part of it. Event was just beginning and so I thought I’d stay. Woke up. It felt like something I’d read about in the Sunday paper.

March 2 dream:  Fly in for yoga with Jordan Chariton. He asks me the time. It’s 9:52.

March 2 dream:  Big decorated squirrel and small mouse in my room. I eat at outdoor cafe with Harriet and Laurie afterwards.

March 1, 2019:  Insight: Fight, flight or freeze: my back pain represents my choice: freeze. Go to 101 today. Really sweet baristo at Starbucks on Drumm. Hear guy saying: “This is just a phase you’re going through.” Go to Rincon briefly afterwards. K home. Do bills and monthly BB update. Striking woman (really a sexual caricature) at Ocean and Lee. Decided not to proceed with Carl’s reiki treatment tomorrow, and feel good about that. (*See last dream of February 27?) Couple of 1- or 2-ring calls in p.m.

March 1 dream:  We’re about 3 minutes ahead of my other group. Plan is for me to run to that group. And let them know we’re very close. And then dive in.

March 1 dream:  Deciding to go to lunch at noon. Cute, nice guy making a musical.

March 1 dream:  Walking naked back to my room in nice new place. Little boy sees me. I say: “Oh, I forgot [you were living here with your mother].” Her mother’s boyfriend comes in. He’s a very short black man. I say: “Are you going to kill me?” He says: “No. No, I’d like to kill her grandmother.”

February 28, 2019:  Anonymous phone call at 10 am-ish. 2:30 pm-ish anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. Henry at local library. Exiting library, see biracial guy from #35 hier, on skateboard on Ocean Avenue. Then run into Carl Compton at Philz patio. He’s going to give me a reiki treatment for my back on Saturday. Dark-haired blue-eyed guy at C.B. I had sat behind him. Then changed my seat to sit next to him. I think he wanted me to do more. Jordan at C.B. Walk home thru G.C.P. and Mt.D. See “Dismal” license plate on Juanita. Trip on top of Mt.D.as dog stares at me. Cute but uninteresting black checkout cashier at W.F.

February 28 dream:  Record of professional football teams ______ of reading at local gas station.

February 28 dream:  Laughing continuously with Gary Alinder at gay retreat. He was talking about not being able to get his $3,000 refund back. His head was in a small mail box and I kept trying to push the letters back in.

February 27, 2019:  In ’til 1:30ish. Take J downtown. Guy reading “Minute to Midnight.” Rincon for 2 hours or so. Asian guy smiles at me on way out of One Market. Take S to Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Little kids laughing self-consciously at one of our elder gay nudists walking up Castro. Cute biracial young man on #35 smiles at me with his eyes before exiting. Jordan at C.B. Robert (from CCSF Broadcast Media) at W.F. I followed somebody in. Robert (who is black) smiles at me. I’m in mid-look before I recognized him. He’s with Asian girlfriend. 7:20 anonymous call in p.m.

February 27 dream:  Swimming off into Golden Gate bridge sunsets. (h.o.)

February 27 dream:  Guy driving across bridge where ocean waves are crushing. He says he’s taking on a lot of water but so is everybody else.

February 27 dream:  14 or 15 black rats calmly eating on the floor of bedroom I’m sharing with my brother. I put plate on top of them and they casually leave.

February 27 dream:  Woman from beauty shop comes over. I wash my hair. She gives everybody a free sample of something.

February 27 dream:  Steve Hines tries to take part of my mattress. I stop him.

February 26, 2019:  11:30ish call asking for John. I say: “John’s not in.” He says: “We’ll call back.” Shahid Butler called around noonish re his run for Congress in 2020. Muni to G.P. Rainy day. Jordan at C.B. I tell her I like her taste in music. Read more from Mindbody Prescription. Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Young black guy to older woman on Melrose Avenue: “I hope everyone in the neighborhood is as cool as you are.” Walk thru Philz on way home. One ring call at 7:15 p.m. Back pain just before male stripper on ice video on Facebook. Insight: I always wanted to be good looking so I could refuse my mother for all eternity. Insight: Where Lucia touched me, my back pain is worse.

February 26 dream:  Attack has been thru all branches of the military. I will respond soon.

February 26 dream:  Lucid dream: Target of attacks responds. We are over distant body of water. I say: Bring it up [so it’s not so scary.]

February 25, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Rainy day. Muni to C.B. Zeph at C.B. Read more from Mindbody Prescription. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Apparently homeless guy exiting Starbucks Portola Street saying: “You’ve got to get rid of your pain before they’ll let you in, right?” Guy in tuxedo T-shirt on Mt.D. I say: “You look all dressed up.” Guy on upper Frida Kahlo Avenue changing pants. I look. He smiles. Meet Henry at W.F. He says: “What day to you usually come in?” I say: “I do my regular shopping at Safeway but come in here from time to time.” I shoulda, coulda, woulda said: “No particular days. What days are you here?” (*Relates to 1st dream of 2/24 about being stuck on a ship without knowing what our assignment was.) Feel bad. Get one ring call at 6:30ish. Two-ring call at 8:30ish. I presume from J. in response to my feeling bad about Henry. Meeting Henry a mutation from RHS I did this a.m. about feeling humiliated?

February 25 dream:  One class canceled. Another new therapist added.

February 25 dream:  Barbara Baroe sings musical accompaniment at quasi-legal school function. She hugged me. I told her: “I never thought i’d see you again.”

February 25 dream:  New blond guy works for us. I follow him to store. See Cenk on way. He follows me. Blond guy is waiting on person in store. Then he is operating on her. He asks me to cut the straw.

February 24, 2019:  Walk to G.P. Cute thin hippy guy at Diamond & Circular. Meet Clay just outside C.B. He’s Cal Poly student in plant sciences. Gave up table to talk to him. When I finished, there were two empty tables. Zeph at C.B. Read a few pages from Mindbody Prescription. Walk thru G.C.P. Feels like it’s about to rain. Then Mt.D. Thinking about my back pain and my yoga class where it started. I was so excited. I thought that my back pain was physical and that yoga was going to help me get rid of it entirely. Turns out my back pain is not physical. It’s psychological and it’s related to my seemingly never-ending commitment to having J. in my life—whether I like it or not. One ring call about 6:30 p.m. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: It can cost more to establish evidence of the Truth than there is value in the estate. My conclusion: The infinite value/benefit of the infinite estate of Truth/Consciousness is freely, effortlessly self-evident to all. One ring call at 8:30 p.m. One ring call at 8:45 p.m.

February 24 dream:  Stuck on a ship like military duty. Not sure of my assignment.

February 24 dream:  One of my young relatives, Harrison, will probably get part in movie. We drive up to home in police car. FBI also driving up.

February 24 dream:  Flying to L.A. at one half the usual speed. In L.A., nice part of the city. Looking for snack. Only find outdoor greeting card shop. Nice woman talking to me. I don’t hear what she is saying.

February 23, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Wait on sidewalk for fire truck leaving fire station on Ocean Avenue. Nice girl barista at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Trip over fur (left over from some kind of animal fight?) on steps near Melrose Avenue. Myka at Safeway. Not very forthcoming today. Memory: Young CCSF anatomy professor who had a crush on me in ’81 or ’82. I could tell from the very back rows of a large lecture hall.

February 23 dream:  Dream that J. is kind of a mama’s boy.

February 23 dream:  Am taking a shower while Marilyn D. (my first high school “girlfriend”) is at bathroom sink. My shower curtain is falling apart.

February 22, 2019:  Go to 101. Beautiful blond guy getting on #29. Cold day at 101. Cute guy in line as I exit Super Duper. We lock eyes. I defer. Then look up again. He’s still looking. Makes me very happy. Like a kid. (*Relates to distant hawk from hier on approach to T.P.?) Shortly thereafter, receive one ring call from J., I assume. (*Relates to closer hawks from hier? I assume it’s J. ’cause he and I are, as they say in quantum physics, entangled.) Don’t know if I believe in having a soul mate, but I certainly believe in soul mates with an s. The guy at Super Duper was certainly one of my soul mates. TMS believes that the body creates pain (like back pain) as a way to avoid unconscious rage which would be too much for the ego to accept. I think it could also be unconscious joy which could be just as devastating to the ego. Take N to Castro. Walk to J’s store. Feel “shitty.” Laurie H. texts me while I’m waiting for #35 in front of J’s store. Go to C.B. Zeph there. Take shit there. Get mad at older Latino man who comes into cafe and sits down without buying anything. Then see that he’s white and my anger disappears. #23 home. Cute, tall Asian guy with Levi’s enwrapping cute butt on way home.

February 22 dream:  Hang out in Oakland and like it.

February 22 dream:  Graduate from arts & crafts class. Get A. Eat too much.

February 21, 2019:  Lots of pre-recorded calls in a.m. Blank phone message at 2:52 p.m. In ’til about 2:45 p.m. Catch #43 to Arizmendi bakery. Woman there gives me extra muffin. Then Peets Cole Street. Walk to T.P. Guy on way. I say to myself: “If he walks up to T.P., I’ll follow him.” He turns around and smiles at me. (*Relates to G.P. hawk from hier, I think, which happened 10 minutes after accident at G.P. The “accident,” I think, related to J. reading this Diary about him never having been in love before.) Distant hawk on way up to T.P. Then “murder of crows.” Then couple of close encounters with one or two hawks. Then climb both of Twin Peaks. Then on to Portola Street. Beautiful gal, then cute guy from SOTA. Then Mt.D. Take #36 to Monterey. Jun off today, I guess. See Jesse just as #43 arrives. Stop by Philz on way home. View magic show for a few minute there.

February 21 dream:  In college class with Jordan and Tom O. and Nancy O. Teacher attempts (broadly) to grab Nancy after class. He denies it. Jordan and I both see it. I ask Jordan: “What are we going to do? We are going to just let him go?” Jordan says: “I don’t know. We were waiting for you to get here to figure it out [in Tom’s absence.]”

February 21 dream:  Things slow down at work. Talk to our new female boss from Ireland. (h.o.)

February 21 dream:  Back at home, neighbor woman is still cleanup up from big event that just took place.

February 20, 2019:  At 11am-ish, guy calls. Starts laughing. I say: “I’m glad you are amused.” Call about 1 p.m. when I was in shower. No message. In ’til 1:30ish. Three guys on J. Playfully turn around on exiting and connect with guy I had been least interested in. Two hours at Rincon. Beautiful guy on S on way home. He got off at Church. So did I. I walked to Castro. Wait in front of J’s store. Guy admires my Bernie T-shirt. Phone call as I get on #35 to G.P. One young guy checking out another young guy. All three of us get off at same stop. No connection is made. Object of affection joins his family at resto. Father gives me a dirty look. Cross street to C.B. Zeph there. Have cappuccino in celebration. See “Game Over” online. Wait for #23. Tall athletic Asian guy at bus stop. I ask him about accident across the street. He said it happened about 10 minutes ago. Then see hawk over G.P. Athletic guy and I get off at same stop. Isaiah at W.F. Two-ring call at 8 p.m. One ring cell call at 8:30ish. Insight: Because of shits last night at 1am, I was expecting a call or something from J. Think he chickened out. Realize J’s probably never been in love before, just as I’ve never been in lust before. That is, I’ve never allowed myself to act on my lust. Also: I used the term “Thane threshold” in email I sent to Monday night group saying I didn’t want to continue with the class.  I’m having  a real pain threshold (with my back pain).  Don’t need a “Thane threshold” as well.

February 20 dream:  Watch movie with woman in front seat of her car. Then she drives away from the movie. Then some of her older friends stop by. I see she’s older than I thought, though I don’t mind. She says: “Can you come by this place every morning?” I think: “Well, I’ll have to wait ’til next week.

February 20 dream:  Cruel boss runs an indoor fishery. We have all been recruited. Must serve a certain time. Young men and women. We are taken to fish tank. There is a liquid we are told we will have to consume. I didn’t intend to. We are all gathered around. Suddenly boss appears with an assistant. He is an old, crusty man. He says: “Fish are cruel. That’s why we must kill them.” I hear hawk overhead. Boss dives into water as does his assistant. Then one of my male co-workers dives in.

February 19, 2019:  Anonymous call at about 1:30 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan and Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Then to Mt.D. Feeling happy. Anonymous blank message at 3:26 p.m. Hang-up at 7:26 p,.m. (*Relates to distant hawk from hier?) One ring call at 8pm-ish. Bernie announces his run for President! Shits at 1am.

February 19 dream:  At gay center on lower Market Street, I help clean up welcome desk. Someone asks where Polk Street is. I say it’s 5 or 6 blocks up that way.

February 19 dream:  Dreamt that the pain in my back is not really back pain. It’s something else.

February 18, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Run into Jon from W.F. outside my apartment building. Walk to G.P. Read from Mindbody Prescription. Sarno was talking about facial pain. Remembered “tooth pain” I had in 1991 or so. I fell to the floor in pain. Dentist said there was nothing wrong. Could have been TMS. Of course, related to J. That was the year I decided to leave S.F. and move to Oregon just to get away from him. It didn’t work. He called me up there, too, and even visited me one day, though I didn’t realize it ’til later. Go to get hair cut with Jun. He says I should keep my hair nice for “whoever I’m with.” Then walk to Mt.D. Distant hawk on top. Anonymous call at about 7:30 p.m.

February 18 dream:  Eating in the mess hall of a ship. They’re running out of seats.

February 17, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Totally filled. Big line. So I walk thru G.C.P. to Starbucks Portola. Woman there checks me out. After I sit down, I drop some things out of my pocket. So I go down on my hands and knees to retrieve them. (*Relates to hawk from February 15? That day I took an alternate route thru G.C.P. just as I took an alternate route from C.B. to Starbucks Portola.) One-ring call immediately after. Assume it was J. Beautiful young man walking by Starbucks a little later. Woman with dog on walk to Mt.D. She says: “You’re fine. You’re fine.” She was talking to her dog but I took it as a message to me. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Innovation and renovation can bring about stress, disruption and eruption. My conclusion: Truth is liberal, yielding, authority without being authoritarian, always brand new (“straight from the fire’), always off the beaten track of habitual thought and action, in fact, deconstructing, disrupting, erupting traditional ways of doing and being. Single ring call in p.m. Flying black butterfly in my living room.

February 17 dream:  Susan Sarandon says: “You might as well leave tomorrow since we’re not having sex.” I agree and leave today.

February 17 dream:  Desperately looking for Room 8. I may have already typed up the article my female boss is looking for, but I don’t know where it is. Convention of Germans. Very nice, cute guy lets me sleep in hallway the night before.

February 16, 2019:  Walk to Mt.D. Then to 583 Teresita, home of John Pinkerton, according to persistent phone calls to me. Guy with two dogs likes my Bernie-So-Punk T-shirt. Henry at library. Meet Taylor at C.B. He’s interested in international relations. I had seen him before, wearing his “Otter-woman” T-shirt. First met him on July 23, 2017 at C.B. He had a weak handshake. Try to get haircut with Jun, but he was too busy. Myka and Steven and third guy at Safeway. Steven upset with me? Really noisy kid on #43. He yelled: “Look at it.” Or it least that’s what it sounded like. Then I turned around and saw his beautiful father. We smiled with our eyes.

February 16 dream:  The country was running out of money(?) in its early years.

February 16 dream:  Worried about my Sunday talk.

February 16 dream:  Registered at fancy hotel. My “room” was a plot on the lawn outside.

February 15, 2019:  Zeph at C.B. Practically SRO. Walk thru G.C.P. Stella, German shepherd unleashed and crouched down, starts barking at me ’til her owner came along and leashed her up. Top of Mt.D. Guy laughed. He sounded like J. Three French speakers in the middle of Coventry Court. Missed Isaiah at W.F. Find out AOC has a boyfriend! RHS my father for just not being able to love me enough. Just like J. Insight while watching police show: “Yes, I’ll cooperate. I’ll do anything you want. I’ll be anything you want me to be. Just pay attention to me!”

February 15 dream:  Political woman comes out of hiding every two years. (h.o.)

February 15 dream:  Engaging with somebody even though I know he’s a fraud.

February 14, 2019:  Calvin calls in early p.m. I am abrupt with him, but not rude. Jordan at C.B. I think she’s in love with me like most of the barristas (male and female) there have been. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk over Turquoise Street. Walk to Mt.D. See “Rubicon” and MSU on Juanita Avenue. Mt.D. Home. Insight: Maybe my fear at Laguna LSD party (after I kissed Cree) related to inherited fear from my father [to do the same?]

February 14 dream:  Czechoslovakian sales clerks sell us two cheap coats that fall apart when you brush them. (h.o.)

February 14 dream:  Election is ruled null just as V.P. is about to take office.

February 14 dream:  Being part of skit in Koreatown.

February 13, 2019:  Anonymous call about 10:30am-ish. Call Carol at VA PT and tell her I want to cancel my appointments and pursue the Sarnos method instead of physical therapy. Another example of me having to stand up to a woman who is ostensibly being nice to me (as my mother was). Go to Rincon. Stop by at newsstand/chocolate store. More crowded than usual. I say to counter-girl: “This must be your busy day.” She says: “Yeah. Do you want to buy a card or some chocolate? I say: “No.” She says: “You should get her a card or some chocolate.” I say: “It’s a him. She says: “You should get him a card of some chocolate.” I say: “You’re right.” She laughs. Charles not at Starbucks. Two hours at Rincon. Take Muni to Castro. Run into Ken (of Ricardo & Ken) at Castro and Market. Walk to 19th & Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Very beautiful, hot, apparently lost guy checking his phone to see which way to go. As I finally cross 19th Street to address him, he finds his direction. On #35 find myself sitting next to “Exposed” boy from February 6. Zeph at C.B. Anonymous call in p.m.

February 13 dream:  Get a degree in S.F. school for presenting certain ___ and airing questions. I introduce class in public forum.

February 13 dream:  Hot guys in Speedos walking towards stadium. Apparently straight guy checking out one very gorgeous brunette guy. Billboard of couple of guys in Speedos reclining together. Go to stadium. Acquaintance asks me: “What’s an mmmmm-bath?” I say: “It’s where people hum the tune if they don’t know the words.” Other older gentleman starts telling us a story.

February 12, 2019:  Anonymous call at 10:30am-ish. Go to VA. See Max on way to Carol in PT. Sign at front coffee stand says: “Go to Starbucks at cafeteria in the back.” So I do. Meet cute Asian guy who smiles at me. I follow him into VA store. After, walk by Purusha and see Lucia walking with gay friend on Balboa. Walk home thru G.C.P. See Fred C. on 9th Avenue. He looks older and asks me, with concern: “Is everything all right?” Asian woman on #43 who pissed me off ’cause she wouldn’t recognize my apology for accidentally bumping into her after younger woman stood up to give me her seat. RHSing men for being more beautiful than me.

February 12 dream:  Religious guy asks: “Does he believe in our lord and savior?” I say: “No, but . . .”

February 12 dream:  Cute guy in black T-shirt escorts me to party. He stops by room with female prostitutes first.

February 12 dream:  Dad shows us “family retreat” house he bought for us. We drive in in a sailboat. I think: “Well you gotta have a family before you have a family retreat house.”

February 11, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk by Philz on Ocean. Followed cute Asian guy into Philz. As I was entering, another good-looking young man came along and we locked eyes. (Relates to hawk from hier in G.C.P. as I looked backwards?) Jordan at C.B. I met her at 24th Street C.B. in 2012. Walk thru G.C.P. MSU on Juanita. (*See diary of February 2.) As I reach peak of Mt.D., hawk flies directly overhead. Then notice another hawk sitting in tree as I descend. Get off #43 bus two stops early. Then run into cute guy at City College stop. Idea: Like the idea of divorcing family, from video of a few days ago by same guy who did video about sons being sexually abused by their mothers (Daniel Mackler). Remember how I could never sleep at cousin Leigh’s place.

February 11 dream:  Hitting people in my lucid dreams, just because I could.

February 11 dream:  Fire on top of Mt.D.

February 11 dream:  Trying to leave party with my _____, but I have no pants and no keys.

February 11 dream:  Working with AOC. I had made a demonstration at a big house.

February 11 dream:  Getting up drunk from a crazy nite of truth-telling with J.

February 10, 2019:  Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk on accidentally looking back. Trip and fall on Mt.D. Guy on #43 as I get off. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Capitalism requires community and competition and leads to democracy and cooperation. My conclusion: Truth is the capital/principal at the base of everything, the attributes of which provide the basis of community, cooperation and our own found Self-rule.

February 10 dream:  Hard-on dream about something.

February 10 dream:  33-year-old student(?) getting paid again. (h.o.)

February 9, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph there. I share Alabe.com with him so he can do his own astro chart. Two insights at C.B.: “I am not a respectable person.” quote from Joe Rogan. From Sarno’s Mindbody Prescription book: Medical authorities don’t believe emotions can cause physical pain. If they did, it would be a lot easier for me to accept as well. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D., thinking about dependence as an attribute of a person with TMS. So I asked myself: Okay, what’s the obverse of dependence? Well, independence. So I did the 6th and 7th steps of Translation: Let there be Independence. And there is Independence. Then I thought: Well, who am I claiming independence from. My father came to mind. Then it occurred to me: Maybe I need to claim independence from J. as well. Just then, nearing the peak of Mt.D., I pass a little girl trailing behind her parents. They call out to her: “Sophia.” Sophia means wisdom. I think the Universe was agreeing with my idea about independence from J. On top of Mt.D, a large beautiful rainbow. Then at the base of Mt.D., a #36 bus. Numerologically 36 = 3 + 6 = 9. One of the things the number 9 symbolizes is endings. Go to Safeway. Myka not there. At last minute Steven opens up a line. It was nice talking with him even if it was only about his tape ribbon running out. Then Myka joins us as a bagger (*Relates to Mt.D. hawk form hier? Myka was the hawk. Also rainbow from hier?) Accidentally run across “Sexual Abuse of Sons by Mothers” on YouTube. Author says you don’t even have to be touched to be abused. Never heard that before and I really needed to. Insight: Backbone. Maybe my back trouble comes from not having the backbone to stand up to my mother. Observation: Sleeping with hand around my throat. It felt like the right place but not sure why.

February 9 dream:  Thane and others at big high-level party. It’s wrapping up and I’m relieved.

February 9 dream:  Write thee pages. It is turned into a book.

February 8, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Kind of rainy. Hawk after the peak. Walk to G.P. Big rainbow on the way. Zeph at C.B. We talk about astrology. #23 and #43 home. Insight: “Oberhaus” is my slave name.

February 8 dream:  J. finds my secret apartment. So I sent him one, too.

February 8 dream:  I have an upcoming date with AOC so I’m reading a book about her past loves along with some applicable novels.

February 8 dream:  Helicopter explodes. People fall out. Big ship on the bay explodes. Boss at work is being unreasonable. Women workers calmly plan to confront her.

February 8 dream:  My father going down to SF Bay to get something from the fridge. He says he wants to study the heads of people who have never had sex. And indeed there were two heads of young men floating in the bay. I wondered how he knew they’d never had sex.

February 8 dream:  Lots of naked young men and woman in gym, I think.

February 7, 2019:  Anonymous call at 1:30 pm. In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. I check out gay DVD. He gets excited when I ask him about his T-shirt. #43 to Arizmendo. Walk to Peet’s Cole Street. See Michigan State T-shirt. (*Relates to Dr. Schubiner’s TMS program at MSU. I interpret this as a sign from the Universe that I have TMS, emotionally-induced pain.) Was going to take #43 home, but #37 came first so I took #37 into Castro. Then #35 right away. Almost shirtless guy on #35 got us all very excited. Then #36 right away. Then had to run to catch #43. Stop by Pokihub on Ocean for veggie salad and cute baristo. Then home.

February 7 dream:  Working in the Castro, I go to Foley’s for a book. Two others go a block away for it. I call on phone first. Fiona Ma at Foley’s answers the phone. I forget the name of the book. Guy signals book name to me while I’m on the phone. He’s touching his ears of his earphones.

February 7 dream:  Big celebration dinner. I was so busy preparing and so happy, I didn’t get a chance to eat. So after, some friends got me a meal from food they had saved. Jimmy Dore there. Only 6 of 12?

February 7 dream:  Winning over back pain like winning a war.

February 6, 2019:  My Salesforce friend at 101. Max and Lillianna at Super Duper. Two hours at Rincon. On way home, I don’t really want to stop by J’s store. Young boy on Muni. I say to myself: “If he gets off at Castro, I’ll get off, too.” Surprisingly, he gets off. I wait for #35 in front of J’s store at 19th and Castro. Young woman with leopard-skin shoes makes eyes at me. (*Relates to shits from hier and red-tailed hawk from February 4?) #35 to G.P. Boy sitting near me with “Disappointed” T-shirt. (*Relates to me being disappointed that it was the girl rather than J. who swooped towards me?) Then guy (the boy I followed off of Muni) sitting to my left playing a game called “Exposed” on his laptop. Zeph at C.B. Female barista from hier was named Jordan. Big gas explosion in S.F.

February 6 dream:  Depressed child told she has to clean up something in her room/house. Then she has turnaround. Now I’m worried about her horse.

February 6 dream:  On train traveling thru Missouri, I know everyone on board but their doors are shut so I leave them alone. Talk to one guy whose door is ajar.

February 6 dream:  Arrive in Portland, Oregon. Take a few photos. Lots of new construction going on.

February 6 dream:  Cenk and AOC walking by, saying hello. I feel they may have a job for me. Someone orders a large cheese omelette. I wonder how they can eat so much.

February 5, 2019:  Shits at about 3pm. In ’til 3ish. Nice day. Cute Latino worker on Circular Avenue. New barista at C.B. I remember her from the Cafe Bello on 24th Street. And her boyfriend Eugene. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear hawk. Then Mt.D. Then home. Snow on top of T.P. at 3 am, according to the news. RHS: “I’m getting away with murder just by being here. I don’t deserve it. I did nothing to deserve it. Therefore I’m stealing and I should be punished.”

February 5 dream:  Lived in really nice mansion, only as soon as you got to our apartments, the floor was suddenly in need of a paint job.

February 5 dream:  Trying to write simple sentence but pen keeps going nuts. Someone says reason I can’t do something is ’cause I’m common.

February 5 dream:  Taking final exam in French. Handsome, well-built guy says his 2nd dog, a black one, is for sale.

February 4, 2019:  In ’til 2ish. Hail on walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Loud black woman sits next to me at C.B. for about an hour. Made it hard to read. Told myself: “There is a solution here!” Went to bathroom. Came back. She made loud snorting noise. I snorted back. She immediately looked up. Then went back to talking on her phone. Other girl smiles at me. Walk to G.C.P. It hails a bit there, too. Walk to Mt.D. Meet Heather (and her dog Sam) on top. She’s a freelance reporter. Her husband worked for the N.Y. Times. Red-tailed hawk while we are talking. Go to Safeway. Cute straight(?) guy in flip-flips there.

February 4 dream:  My shirt and khaki pants weren’t ironed enough, according to Tom O., so I asked him to iron them. He began by making a hamburger.

February 4 dream:  Giving a talk, quoting from a book called Alliance. I get lost.

February 4 dream:  In Europe, I think: “I know. I’ll teach in Europe.” Four comically uninviting elevator openings.

February 3, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Pass by my gay Asian friend in front of Ocean Avenue hardware store. Run into cute guy (looks like Jesus in a hoodie) from Ocean and Lee to Ocean and San Jose. Car almost runs into me at Circular Avenue and Baden Street. Meet Jake, a 6th grade teacher, at C.B. He thinks there should be school therapists available for each student at least one hour per week. What a great idea! Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Camper on Mt.D. has moved away. Obnoxious hetero couple on top of Mt.D. Two new guys at W.F. Young woman talks to me on stairway on way home . . . which is unusual. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Watching others play games is living vicariously. My conclusion: Truth is alive, otherless, always on watch, always a safe bet; inescapable health, wealth and happiness, for which there is no substitute.

February 3 dream:  Laura H. with those “Oberhaus muscles.” She really was strong. At very nice house. (h.o.)

February 3 dream:  Several women showed interest in a hitchhiker who felt he had to leave ’cause it was Thursday. He asked God for help. God said, “Well, you’ve got to make the right moves, too.”

February 3 dream:  Prosperos brochure titled “Wemet” which were the tenets of the school. The original title had been whited out.

February 2, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Get caught in downpour. Seth at C.B. He asks me my name. Then I learn his name is really Zeph (as in Zephaniah). Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Myka and Steven at Safeway. Steven is stocking same shelf (near checkout lines) as last week. Myka smiles at me as I enter, then was gone when I went to check out. Caught him taking a break, sitting on bench just outside main door. We talk briefly, mostly about the Mueller investigation.

February 2 dream:  Leave house and work and come back with blue marked pieces of rock to indicate they had been changed.

February 2 dream:  On train trying to escape tidal wave. Run into people working for the same firm only in the suburbs. Cute security guard. Hope somebody would mention that. They joked about his giving them a hard time if they’re late. Person says: “It’s a whole different thing working in the suburbs then in the city.” Before: several other waves nearly ruining the important papers I was carrying.

February 2 dream:  I’m part of Mexican drug gang in L.A. Zip code 94810. Bruce Dern there. We drive thru streets fast in his crazy colorful buses.

February 1, 2019:  Anonymous call at 9am-ish and at 1pm-ish. In ’til 3ish. Rainy day. Henry at library. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. he’s so sweet, not just to me, but to many. Walk thru G.C.P. More rain. Then Mt.D. Guy in tent on walk up hill. Trip and fall on stairs on way home.

February 1 dream:  Made a promise near the Berlin Wall in 1968. It somehow relates to woman boss not telling me when I can come into work next week. One senator(?) says: “I’m your mother. You can come in on Thursday nite.”

February 1 dream:  Guy I’m walking with asks me if I’m built like a wrestler. I say, “No, but I do like to wrestle.” He sees guy he saw earlier and starts talking to him.

February 1 dream:  My roommate’s wife lives in Saratoga. Her name is Pulger. She’s a plumber. I had gotten some note about Saratoga. (*Relates to email from Saratoga High School reunion committee I opened on February 2?)

February 1 dream:  It’s my last day on the job. Woman co-worker applying ointment to my chest. She’s had back pain for 4 years. I know it’s going to be tough leaving my male boss tomorrow.

January 31, 2019:  Anonymous call 3:10-ish. In ’til 3:10ish. #43 to Arizmendi. Pick up gluten-free bread. N to Cole Street. Guy on N I talked to. He was reading Hillary Clinton’s “What Happened.” Rude older couple outside at Peets Cole Street. Finish chapter of Divided Mind. #43 home. Get off at City College stop. Cute guy smiles at me. I fallow him to W.F. He buys one bottle of wine and walks out. Isaiah at check-out counter. Insight: I’m such a hypochondriac ’cause I think it’s coming to me for my egocentric response to my mother being shot to death in front of me. I thought: “It’s beginning. I’m going to be famous.”

January 31 dream:  All settled in with new house.

January 30, 2019:  Go to 101 with JF. Pretty good day. Maybe people knew we had updated our flyers. My Asian friend at 101. Blake and Lillianna at Super Duper. Blake heads back to Maryland for a year to go to school. Leaves Saturday. Made me sad. More than two hours at Rincon, catching up on my reading. Take K to Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store at 19th & Castro. (*Relates to shits from hier around 4:30pm at C.B.? Also to four hawks at G.C.P. hier?) Stop by C.B. Seth there. It was full when I got there so I moved on. But Seth looked happy to see me, so I returned and found a table right away. Nice boy at #23 bus stop got up to give me his seat. Catch #43 right away. Jesse waves at me from Railroad Expresso as I get on bus. Woman bus driver very nice to me. I immediately freak out (internally). How will I ever pay her back? (*Relates to how I felt about my mother when she would do nice things for me? Also to my back pain?) Realization: There is no God. We’re on our own. Also: My back pain is my desire to get rid of J. in my life. He is the pain in my back!

January 30 dream:  Getting all the addresses to fit on 2nd page (h.o.)

January 30 dream:  Second weekend of workshop wraps up. Our two boxes of plans were taken. I’m talking with woman as we walk out.

January 30 dream:  At volunteer work party. Rick T. is handing down books as I hand them up. I get mad at him so he doesn’t confuse the two. Thane is there on crutches. He seems happy. I don’t care what he thinks of me.

January 29, 2019:  Anonymous call at 9sm-ish. Rick Thomas calls about last nite and we talk quite a while. In ’til 3ish. Walk to C.B. Owners there. Cute young schoolboy (sucking on lollipop) smiles at me on Circular Avenue. Guy at C.B. I see later at Chenery and Diamond. Shits at C.B. about 4:30ish. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear hawks. Then see 3 or 4 circling in the sky. Walk to Mt.D. Then home. Realize earth-shaking noise from my upstairs neighbor may relate to arrogant millennial at C.B. hier. (*Relates to dream of being robbed of January 16?)

January 29 dream:  Recorded a minute of two of classical piano music for our wait.

January 29 dream:  “Gestapo Joe” created to save us.

January 28, 2019:  In ’til 1:30ish. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. Arrogant male and female millennial at table next to me. Read more Divided Mind. Walk to G.C.P and Mt.D. Young guy riding bike on narrow rail in G.C.P. RHS my mother and father and myself. Concluded that I acted like a well-behaved pet dog as a child. In p.m. really not interested in attending Thane’s 11th Hour Dispatch. I felt like pet dog saying to its masters, “I’m just not interested in this any more.” Later, Hanz called. He couldn’t quite accept that I’d left the group. Actually I had been thinking about doing this for quite a while. I think I am what Dr. Sarno calls a “goodist.”

January 28 dream:  Dave Braun to be at weekend event in now newly empty hotel. I’m supposed to be the caretake for the weekend. Some arrogant millennials hanging around

January 28 dream:  Woman making a shopping list for the house but I’m not sure she’ll be one of the new tenants.

January 28 dream:  My wrestling hold seems to be too strong for other guy.

January 27, 2019:  In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Cute Latino skateboarder and I exchange passing glances at Balboa Skatepark. Cute guy at C.B. as I was leaving. Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. While thinking I’d like to live in a community where people know me, guy on Coventry Court turns around and smiles at me. Cute Filipino(?) guy I made a point of noticing as he passed by me in W.F. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Concentration of wealth and information unbalances the commonwealth of individuals and communities. My conclusion: Truth is a diffuse, indivisible, Self-informed community of well-being (commonwealth), construing/elucidating Itself perfectly and equally.

January 27 dream:  Red racing bike leaning up against J’s boarded-up store at 19th and Castro.

January 27 dream:  Undercover, undergoing medical exam. Hope I won’t get discovered.

January 27 dream:  Try to send SASE for housing. It turns into fax machine. Then small European car. Before: two beautiful black-haired guys smiles at me as I walk thru grocery store.

January 26, 2019:  BART to Berkeley. Blond guy on Fulton Street. Slow-walking guy on Fulton, then Bancroft, who gave me the eye – twice. I walked up Bancroft on the other side. Go to ZeeZee Copy. Then Cafe Blue Door on way back. Woman smiles unexpectedly at me. Then I see tall guy in muscle T-shirt who I go ga-ga over. He sits down at table immediately next to where I had put my things. Then young woman came by to see him. They talked about mathematics. I think he was her tutor. Don’t know what my impact on him was, but I had some sort of impact. Take AC bus back to SF. Heavy traffic on the bridge and in SF. Due to “Right to Life” march? Walk from Temporary Transbay Terminal to Castro and Market. Walk by 440 Club. Then wait for #35 in front of J’s store at 19th and Castro. (*Relates to slipping and almost falling hier on Mt.D.?) Looks like J’s bike outside. Guy in ’69 VW bus drives by on Castro. We exchange glances. He smiles at me. Then motions with his fingers for me to smile back. I smile. #35 and #36 to Safeway. Myka not there. But Steven is. As I’m finishing up with Edwin at checkout stand, my butt suddenly feels “self-conscious.” In retrospect, I think it was because Steven was stocking shelves nearby.

January 26 dream:  “Mike & Mike vs. Mike & Mike.” Tom O.(?) being warned not to come out of the closet and scare Gamma. None of us will put up with that. Eating one too many chocolate chip cookies. (h.o. but also exhausted)

January 26 dream:  Exploring sex with someone (h.o.)

January 26 dream:  J. in circle of guys talking about sex. Asked if he would finger me, he said, “Yes.” About guy next to me, “Probably not.” About cute guy next in line, J. said, “Yes.” And I thought, “I would, too.” J. called himself a sexual denialist. I said, “What does that mean?” Then as he was explaining, I woke up.

January 25, 2019:  In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Then C.B. Read from Sarno’s Divided Mind. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Slip and almost fall on Mt.D. Stop by Orchid Cafe. Manager seemed upset. Place was almost empty. Then on to Pakwan resto. Girl there liked me.

January 25 dream:  Something about gasoline being invisible.

January 24, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. I ask him: “Is everybody happy at the library?” He says, “I don’t know how to answer that question.” Walk to G.P. Natalie at C.B. Read from The History of Childhood. Horrible “contraction” on getting up from chair. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Then home.

January 24 dream:  Top generals agree on procedure, even Romney. (h.o.)

January 24 dream:  “The [Prospers] Center is no long the Center.” But we still send reports there anyway.

January 24 dream:  Woman’s bra floating in the pool.

January 23, 2019:  101 with JF. Blake and Lillianna at Super Duper. Two hours at Rincon. After, I’m thinking at least my severe back pain is temporary. Guy in restroom smiles at me as I think that. Try to stop by to see Aunt Joanne at W.P. again. She’s out again. Shits on getting home about 5pm. Anonymous call at 7pm-ish.

January 23 dream:  Me and others making operatic love to my mother and two other women. We are injured as a result.

January 23 dream:  Spending the night at Cathy Tackaberry’s house in L.A. before I drive back in her car. She lives right on the ocean.

January 23 dream:  “Error code 3107_____. God’s . . . “

January 22, 2019:  Beautiful guy getting off #29 at SFSU. Go to yoga. Worst part was laying down on my back in the beginning. Lucia kind of insisted on it. When Lucia asked if anybody didn’t want to be touched, I raised my hand. Still very close to Lucia, but I think our relationship has changed (as has my relationship with my mother. I no longer feel so obliged to make her feel good about trying to make me feel good. Asian Mike told me about his back pain which just went away after the muscles healed. That was a novel idea to me. Notice Jimmie from Monday night group is there.  After, woman I had been so impressed with on October 9 was not as impressive. Walk thru G.G.P. Pass Fred Cline on 9th Avenue. He’s out front criticizing young people with an older friend. Then on to Arizmendo. Still no glutton-free pumpkin muffing. Anonymous phone message from 3:02 p.m.

January 22 dream:  Buy two Bernie Sanders books. One is a sort of Science and Healthy by Bernie Sanders.

January 22 dream:  Meet sexy woman who I’m practically dancing with. I ask her, “Where are you from?”

January 21, 2019:  Anonymous call at 1ish. In ’til 3ish. Beautiful day. Walk by sushi place next to Philz. Thinking my tulpa from hier might work there. Some other cute guy. Walk to G.P. Seth there. Think of going to yoga tomorrow. When Lucia asks if anyone objects to being touched (which she always does), I’ll raise my hand. Then RHS my mother for feeling I always have to hold her up. (Thus my back pain?!?) Thane’s 11th Hour Dispatch in p.m.

January 21 dream:  Some sort of graduation ceremony. When we walked in, they said our doubles were over there. All sorts of diplomas.

January 21 dream:  Calvin working secretly on project about railroads. Me out of clean underwear.

January 21 dream:  Calvin bought two new homes, one like a ranch.

January 21 dream:  Hanging out with beautiful men I never have sex with and people I really don’t care about. Look for my hair brush and finally find it and think about taking a cross-country trip. Wondering which camera I should take.

January 20, 2019:  In ’til 2:30ish. See cute black-haired guy crossing Lee and Ocean. He smiles at me. I smile back. I watch him go into Philz. I go to library. Then stop by Philz on way back. Can’t find him. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. Get anonymous call at 4:30ish there. Walk thru G.C.P. It starts raining. I wait for #36. Try to avoid woman on walker who is waiting with me. When the bus comes, I assume she will be getting on, but she was just using the bus shelter for protection from the rain and wind. Take #36 to Monterey. Pass by Jun cutting hair. #43 home. Barney Miller sitcom on YouTube mentions 170 sandwiches (see dream of January 16.) Translation group in p.m.: Sense testimony: Harming others in order to win is immoral. My conclusion: Truth is immediate possession, automatic winning; the same throughout the Universe; whose ethic is wholeness, completeness, perfection, oneness.

January 20 dream:  Woman accuses me of not supporting efforts of high school band. I do support them, but I’m just not a fundamentalist like she is. Big crowd. High school band from Mexico enters at end.

January 20 dream:  Sweeping up meeting site on street. Then lots of rushing water. It’s a river with beautiful blue water. Then I’m on motor bike being driven by somebody else. We’re three hours away from start. And we have to take narrow path in the mountains.

January 19, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry and other cute Asian guy at library. Walter on bike on Ocean on my way to G.P. Guy with cute butt at C.B. Not sure he appreciated my attentions. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Then cute, well-built guy getting into his car on Melrose Avenue. Then Steven and Myka at Safeway. I told Myka I was worried my credit card may not work. He said we’d be able to work something out. Insight: Realized my father didn’t want me to be happy. Therefore back pain from yoga. Also my first trip to Paris when I asked myself: “Will I really be allowed to do this?” Then came back with melanoma.

January 19 dream:  I’m having pea soup, talking to Jeff B. who is trying to get to sleep. (h.o.)

January 19 dream:  Cleaning shit off floor, etc. Calvin interrupts me. Then Derek interrupts me.

January 19 dream:  Woman offering us different sorts of blueberry desserts at resto.

January 18, 2019:  Go to VA Podiatry. Run into Jackie on way out. She passes me on my way downstairs. And as she passes, shows me her Jennifer Lopez ass, which I’d never seen before. After, walk thru G.G.P. to Arizmendi Bakery on 9th Avenue. They didn’t have the muffins I was looking for. #43 home. Two or three very cute young Asian high school students. One kept falling asleep on me in back seat. See Justin at W.F. Then at W.F. cafe. Then in my apartment complex, carrying a pizza box. Either he lives here, or he’s visiting someone here or delivering pizza to someone here. My debit card didn’t work at W.F. Called them up and they said they stopped payment because someone had tried to fraudulently use it. Read more Divided Mind.

January 18 dream:  Everyone drives out for overnight family wedding. I’m glad I just have to drive back to L.A.

January 18 dream:  Ruth Backlund, Livia M. and two other women thank me for paying them back today.

January 18 dream:  Calvin H. about to go to counseling session.

January 17, 2019:  In ’til 2ish. Mary at library. Walk to G.P. Natalie at C.B. Table full of three middle-aged women next to me. Me having all sorts of sexual fantasies about them. Read Divided Mind by John Sarno. Walk thru .G.C.P. Guy with really tight pants on. I follow him ’til he kisses his male companion. Walk to Mt.D.

January 17 dream:  I head up Democratic Party at work. Our boss doesn’t think that the Democrats stand up for the middle class.

January 17 dream:  Get in argument with Barry Bram about cleaning up the work place. Then we just start cleaning it up.

January 16, 2019:  In ’til 12:30ish. Go to Rincon. See Charles on K on the way. Then see him at Starbucks on Market on the way. Lianna at Super Duper. Two hours at Rincon. Then stopped by Starbucks and talked with Charles briefly. He’s still at City College. Taking business classes. Hoping to transfer to UC. I told him about my “Imaginary Interviews” on YouTube. He went to back room. While I was trying to get my Imaginary Interview online on my cell, woman comes in and takes my latte and somebody else’s pastry. Fort Collins and “May 1” mentioned online in p.m.

January 16 dream:  Sent off request to give class. Not sure I had right address. Others sent emails as well.

January 16 dream:  Trying to add 1 + 1 to get to 2. Somebody had put in 170 above. Guys follow me up to floor where I live. When I see them, I realize they are robbers. I rush to my apartment (#172?). Can’t open it in time. So when guy catches up to me, I throw keys in the bushes. I yell “Help” but it barely comes out of my mouth. Wake up.

January 16 dream:  Me (and others?) stripping beautiful guy of his pants.

January 15, 2019:  In ’til 1ish. Rainy day. Go to G.P. Seth at C.B. Also Walter. Read from Sarno’s “Divided Mind.” Anonymous call at 6:40 p.m. Ray Donovan: “After the pain, there’s love.”

January 15 dream:  Have some sort of funeral. Everyone says I look a lot better.

January 15 dream:  Trip and almost fall.

January 15 dream:  Drive off cliff, but get help from lady of the house.

January 15 dream:  About to take a shower at Leigh’s. I warn everybody I’m about to get naked. House in lovely neighborhood with view of green hills. I want to move there.

January 14, 2019:  In ’til 2ish. Go to C.B. Seth there. Was going to walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D., but it began raining so I walk up Mangels Street instead. Thane’s 11th Hour (Lesson #2) in p.m. 8 of us present. One of Thane’s comments: “Understanding will only come to you at the place where you started.”

January 14 dream:  In military, in foreign country, dependent on their promises.

January 13, 2019:  Go to Assembly District 19 meeting. Woman there likes me and vice versa. Go to McD’s with JF afterwards. Young woman at C.B. who smiles at me. Seth there, too. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Realize emotion my back pain may be trying to protect me from is my emerging heterosexuality. Starting with feelings that emerged at my yoga class with Lucia.

January 13 dream:  Fire alarm in wing of building. This time it’s real.

January 13 dream:  Giving directions to woman so they can go apologize to them. She’s been drinking.

January 13 dream:  Working in Marin. Computer takes over my project. I get help from my temporary work mate. Management gives him book about Mrs. Sarno who is a great woman who works for us. I don’t get one. Try to catch bus back to the city. I catch a #49.

January 12, 2019:  Walk to C.B. New girl barista there. Walk thru G.C.P. Down Terasita to Safeway. Myka/Steve both there. Nice to see them again. Finish Healing Back Pain.

January 12 dream:  Guy with tiny hands trying to take my apartment. He had the wrong apartment number. I loved him anyhow.

January 11, 2019:  AOL disallows me sending out BB updates as a protection against spam, they say. Oh, and I forgot to send out email to Jean re my mother. In ’til 12:30ish. Go to VA. See Jackie there. Also beautiful Asian woman at pharmacy. (*Relates to shits from hier about 3pm?) Sweat, sandy-haired guy getting on #38 on way home.

January 11 dream:  Me relaxing a bit. And having fun.

January 11 dream:  Listening to KQED. Change beck so people who just came in can hear from the beginning.

January 11 dream:  Barbara Hill asks if I want to be general manager. Later I say OK. And she says, “Okay, but only because you don’t understand the overall system.” In very nice coastal part of San Francisco.

January 10, 2019:  “This is the last stop.” message on J train on way downtown. Go to French Class for Madame Morel’s discussion, en francais, of Paris during the Occupation. Cute black female receptionist. Shits at Keycafe on Polk Street. Guy on Hayes likes my TYT T-shirt. Note in window of J’s store at 19th & Castro. Can’t quite read it from #35 bus. Go to C.B. Natalie there.

January 10 dream:  New woman comes in. She asks about the sleeping arrangements.

January 10 dream:  Phil Fukuda waving from a distance, ready to get back to work.

January 9, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Beautiful black man with huge Afro. I see him at Ocean and Lee. Then get off #29 when I see him again. He smiles at me as I get off bus. Cute white guy on J. Gets off at Powell. Looks around like he’s lost. Guy at Super Duper who looks like Josh from Crazy Ex Girlfriend. Go to Rincon. Nice odor on leaving.

January 9 dream:  Job interview with new tech company. They put me thru a lot of paces just to get to the interview site. They really went through my whole life. Seemed the whole company was there.

January 8, 2019:  Jean’s life reading. My response to my mother: “Too little. Too late. I don’t want your support from the other side, and frankly, I can’t feel your support from the other side, which is exactly how I remember my childhood. When I shared with you my dream of somebody trying to suffocate me, I think that person was you. Maybe not actually trying to suffocate me, but at least emotionally trying to suffocate me. And your mother’s support? She specifically wrote into her will that Tom and I were to get nothing, all because she was mad at my father for not letting her see us. And speaking of men, I do have a man in my life who’s kind of like Dad, entering my life backwards. But I love him, and that’s enough for me for the moment. You brought your disturbed family history into our family. Your real father abandoned you and your foster father apparently raped you and that had no effect on your own family of a husband and two sons? And that’s what I was looking for, some acknowledgement of what happened in our family, or what didn’t happen. So I’m glad everything’s fine for you on the other side, but I’ve still got to deal with my rocky past which partly includes your rocky past. But I’ve got to recognize my own childhood commitments to you. So I thank you for giving me this opportunity to say, No more support please. No more love. No more looking over my shoulder. I’ll take it from here. You can go about your own business and I’ll go about mine. And let’s hope that somewhere in that business we find and access and utilize the divinity within all of us.” Take couple of hour nap afterwards. Then walk to C.B. Same new female barista there. And others.

January 8 nap dream:  Trip to France is still on.

January 8 nap dream:  Getting a little too close to group of men I’m not sure I wanted to be with.

January 8 dream:  New younger sister and her puppy Martha. Both very cute.

January 8 dream:  Church shut down for being too “bright.” Some people happy about that.

January 7, 2019:  Woke up late again, but did a little release of my mother, realizing that she was only an out-picturing of my own distrust of this world as compared to the world where I came from: God, heaven, whatever you want to call it. In ’til about 2:30 pm. Walk to G.P. New barista at C.B. Very cute, friendly woman. Walk to Safeway. Cute guy entering home on Monterey. We exchange glances. Friendly checkout girl at Safeway. Talk with Jesse briefly while waiting for #43. Thane’s “11th Hour Dispatch” in p.m. I found him off-putting, to say the least.

January 7 dream:  Asking Uncle Nick for help with my back. He takes me to his bedroom and lays on my back. We hold hands.

January 7 dream:  After woman friend gets help from guy she doesn’t know, she invites him over for beer and a movie at 8pm the next night.

January 6, 2019:  Rainy day. Go to Walgreen. Then W.F Then home. TR group in p.m. Sense testimony: Structural distortion causes pain and may oppose rehabilitation. My conclusion: Truth/Wholeness is unopposed, unopposable, undisturbable, the only Cause, the only Effect, effortlessly rehabilitating Itself at every moment. Melissa wanted to open up general conversation as to what I was doing for my back pain. I shut that down.

January 5, 2019:  Get up at 11:45 am. Kind of drugged from NyQuil I took last nite. Go to drug store, then W.F. Then home. Rainy day.

January 5 dream:  Woke up in the middle of the night. I couldn’t breath. It felt like someone was trying to suffocate me. Was it my mother?

January 4, 2019:  From Pam R.: The word back is defined as “the side of something that points away from the direction of movement.”In ’til 3pm. Seth at C.B. He brought my drink over to my table. Walk thru G.P. to Mt.D. Beautiful guy with two dogs on Chaves. Orange cat on Mt.D. Cute gay guy with 3-year-old dog on top of Mt.D. His dog wouldn’t jump up to pedestal to see the view of the city. I said, “Looks like the view is not that important to her.” He said, “I don’t blame her. It’s a big jump.” Whole Foods loudspeaker: “Wishing you a happy new year and a happy new you.” Prepare questions for my mother and father for Tuesday’s reading with Jean M. Get sick in p.m., I think in preparation for reading on Tuesday.

January 4 dream:  Detectives wrapping up the case and leaving town.

January 3, 2019:  In ’til 3:30ish. Go to Arizmendi Bakery. They’re still Muffin Nazis – only one person to help out a whole roomful of customers. Go to Peets on Cole Street. Cute barista named Daniel there. Much back pain. Tell JF I cannot join him for SF Berniecrats in p.m. Bratty kids on bus on way home, fighting over candy from Mama. Finally I yell out, “I want some!” They quieted down. Probably relates to my childhood (and my back pain). I would never have had the nerve to be that bratty (at least openly). Maybe I mentioned this before: My solution to the race problem was to get a black boyfriend to fuck me for seven months. My resolution to my family problem was to allow my mother to fuck me, so to speak. ’til she was killed when I was 8 years old. Then I allowed by father to fuck me, so to speak, ’til I left the Navy. Never opened up for the option of my own joy. My happiness would equal disaster for family balance. This all relates to J., Cree, etc., etc., etc. and my back pain.  One of the most profound experiences I ever had in my life took place one afternoon in the ’70s. A group of us were talking in the hallway at the 1441 4th Street Prosperos center in Santa Monica, CA. I had said that I was trying to figure out what somebody else wanted in a particular situation rather than what I wanted. Billye said something to me that clicked. Billye said to me, “You always do that.” And in my head there seemed to be a literal clicking as I went backward in time and applied this insight to incident after incident from my past.

January 3 dream:  Nancy and Laurie and Leigh(?) think it’s a lot of fun to spray water at Tom’s sleeping bag. I turn it on them. They ask if I think they should clean the back steps. I say, “I don’t give a shit.”

January 3 dream:  Imagine in my dream getting together with J. in the streets of Paris.

January 2, 2019:  Anonymous call at 9:15 am-ish. 101. Came up with expression TMJ: Too Much Joy in place of TMS: Too Much Shit or Tension Myoneural Syndrome. Guy at 101 tells me twice, “You live in heaven” (vis-a-vis the corruption in Brazil and Venezuela.) Go to Castro after Rincon. Then to G.P. Bus driver at one points asks, “Do I turn right here?” There’s only three of us on the bus.  From the back seat, I yell, “Yes.” Seth at C.B. He downplays his farewell to me from hier. After, waiting for #23, strange woman yells at invisible entity near her, “Get off me! Get off me!” And she physically tries to get away. Later I realize maybe that was meant for me. The hidden emotion I no longer allow myself to feel: that I’m stuck with J. for the rest of my life. I moved out of state in ’92 to try to get away from him. He followed me there. By ’97, when I recall feeling the first pains in my side, I knew I had no hope of escape, so I moved one block away from where he lived. When I began yoga a few months ago, I hoped I could finally loosen up my lower back muscles. Only things got worse. Because I still had the unacceptable state of affairs I was trying to hide from myself. Only my body wouldn’t allow me to forget my pain. It only intensified it. So my pain, on the one hand, being trapped by J. and, on the other hand, forever losing him.

January 2 dream:  Dropped some toothpicks. My job was to take care of them. Someone asked me if I wanted a job where I could always be the same person. I said no.

January 2 dream:  Front door is open. Someone is standing there. I panic and take off my shirt(?) before I respond to him.

January 2 dream:  Woman in clear swimming pool with big hair not happy with men. Diagonal line of naked women and men swimming towards me. The tits of Missy Mae touch me. Everyone giggles.

January 2 dream:  Three good-looking guys come to our place. Lots of excitement (real and feigned) among the women. One of the guys had some freshly baked pies. I ask him if he baked them himself. He says yes.

January 1, 2019:  Kitchen light on when I get up. Strange. Do bills and BB. In ’til 3ish. Seth at C.B. As I left, he turned around from what he was doing to say good-bye to me. (*Relates to big hawk from hier?) Anonymous call at about 7:45 pm. Came up with alternative meaning of John Sarno’s acronym TMS: Too Much Shit.

January 1 dream:  Practicing law, writing an argument. I moved down two seats to accommodate somebody. Maureen and Kathleen M. both there. I convinced one of them about an idea I had about Hawaii.

January 1 dream:  Want to borrow $200 from guy. He says, “I just bought you dinner.”

December 31, 2018:  After searching for a cure for my back pain in Walgreens unsuccessfully, I walk to G.P. See large hawk at CCSF. Natalie at C.B. Even though she’s not attractive, she makes me feel attractive, which I like. But that puts her in a position of power over me, which I don’t like. (*Relates to my relationship with my mother?) She inadvertently tells me she’ll be getting off tomorrow at 2pm. I think of her and me and get hard. On way out of C.B. my back pain is giving me a hard time. Black woman who I had disliked immediately when I first saw her was very solicitous of me. Ongoing TR workshop in p.m. Ben joins us. Insight: Maybe I really am exceptional And I fear that I will not be able to meet everybody’s expectations. Later in p.m.: Happy that I get to take charge of my own back healing.

December 30, 2018:  Realizing it’s not just the infantilizing God I created as a child, but also my infantilized view of man as well and my inflated view of myself. Later felt grateful, emotional sense that my back pain would be resolved. Went to Castro around 2:30ish. Stopped by 440 Club to bide time before 4pm dinner. Ran into Jim B. (Saw him there last time on 10/12/18.) He looked very unhealthy. Dinner party with Ricardo, Ken, Gonzolo and Antonio. Ricardo at one point, when we were talking about what we want the next year to bring, said to me: “A new boyfriend!” I agreed. Back pain very severe in pm. Realized it followed a very fun evening. I was coming out of myself (without booze) just like I did at the yoga classes. Just like I did with J. in January of /87 and Cree in Laguna Beach in ’69. Then the pain. When I realized that, the pain subsided a bit.

December 30 dream:  J. explaining to someone that he is no longer interested in me or something like that.

December 30 dream:  Went out to lunch. Water from bay was rising. Hang out with people at a hotel. They seemed like a fun-loving group. I asked if they were entertainers. Cathy Koslover was part of their group, I think. I asked if Cathy was part of their church. Then the mood changed. Someone gave me a bill for $3. I had forgot my wallet but I had enough change, I thought. Cathy was saying she thought she knew me.

December 29, 2018:  After a wonderful night’s sleep, woke up with the term “infantilizing God” running through my head. But still feeling back pain and a few back spasms in a.m. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to Arden Wood in West Portal to visit Aunt Joanne. Found out she won’t be there ’til January 19. Go to Peets W.P. Continue reading John Sarno’s back pain book. Hot guy comes in and hangs out, waiting for his coffee. I get excited thinking about him. Shortly after, he leaves to go sit in his car. I head up Ulloa Street. Woman, son, with dog, smile at me as I’m wondering if J. could feel my excitement about guy at Peets. Walk to Mt.D. Another mother and son, both with dogs, smile at me on way down. Then Safeway. At checkout, both Steven and Myka are at adjacent checkout stands. I need to choose which one I’ll go through. At first, I choose Steven’s line but realize I cant’ do that to Myka. So I get in Myka’s line. Later Steven asks me to move my cart so he can reach something. He acts like he doesn’t know me. Miss bus stop on way home. Follow guy into W.F. Nothing. Back pain worse than ever.

December 29 dream:  Working at new place. Note sure of my hours so I ask. Nice people but I’m not sure what Im’ supposed to do.

December 29 dream:  Getting ready to go on a flight to London, I think. It’s 4:30 pm and the flight was scheduled to leave at 3 pm.

December 28, 2018:  Got up early – 8:30 a.m.! Went to dentist’s. “Monster” homeless black guy on K on way in. Then cute Asian guy at Church Street station smiles at me. My back is much worse today and I assume it’s because I went to yoga yesterday. Had difficulty getting into and out of dentist’s chair. Walk to the Castro. Buy Chron and NY Times. Owner says beginning January 1 they will no longer sell any newspapers there. We started talking about Paris and how everybody reads the news there and newsstands were plentiful. He added that when people go to cafes in Paris, they don’t open up their laptops. Walked to G.P. Three or so women smile at me. Little child on Farnum Street calls me Poppa! Natalie at C.B. I shared table with guy who told me Bernie Sanders was related to Larry David, famous for his Bernie Sanders impression on SNL. Walked home most of the way. Took nap. Started reading Healing Back Pain, John Sarno’s follow-up to Mind Over Back Pain. He says much back pain is caused by TMS (Tension Myositis Syndrome or Tension Myoneural Syndrome) which is the unconscious mind’s way of trying to avoid unpleasant and unacceptable emotions by giving us back pain instead. As I said, I assumed my back pain was worse since I went to yoga yesterday. After reading his book, I thought maybe it was TMS. As I said hier, I was really having fun hier at yoga. And that, as I was taking a pee, I was like a little kid, excited to get back to my friends and our camaraderie. So fun was my unacceptable emotion! My first experience with side pain happened in ’97 after having had a hot chocolate. Then whenever I had anything sweet or even sweetish, like a latte, over the last 20-30 years, I would feel pain. Whenever the possibility of sex (fun) comes up, I defer. Sure this relates to my childhood and feeling that having fun would probably jeopardize my standing with my family, specifically my mother before she was killed and my father after that. Also having fun might place in jeopardy my standing as a “child of God.” (*Relates to last dream of 12/27 about guy worrying about the “shadow.” Is God the shadow? In the Imaginary Interview with Myself YouTube video I just did, I warned against giving God a personality, making God in the image and likeness of man.) Remember LSD experience of 1969: I was talking to the most beautiful man in the room at a party at Laguna Beach and then we started kissing. Later I sat on the couch and started shaking like a leaf. I was having fun and then feared for my life. Remember my high-five with J. in January of 1987. I was at the same time ecstatically happy and absolutely terrified. (*This whole realization relates to the owls (insights) over head I saw on Mt.D. on December 21 and also to the three women smiling at me earlier today, I think.)

Dream of December 28:  Students at Paris academy are now treated as equals with the others.

December 27, 2018:  Anonymous call at 2pm-ish. Got X’mas card from Aunt Joanne saying she has moved to Christian Science retirement home in West Portal. Go to Carl’s yoga class. Everything closed on Balboa Street. I even thought the yoga place was closed at first. Class was fun. Nothing too painful. At one point Carl asked us who had been officers. Only Greg, the goofiest one amongst us had been an officer in the U.S. Air Force. I took a pee in the restroom afterwards and couldn’t wait to get back to my comrades and our camaraderie. Walk to 9th Avenue thru G.G.P. Arizmendi Bakery closed. (Merry Christmas everybody!) Take #43 home. Cute guy at W.F. cafe watching Ju-jitsu demos on his laptop. As I examined him in passing, he smiled self-consciously. He had on big earphones. Otherwise I may have attempted to converse with him.

December 27 dream:  Guy says he’ll leave the group if anybody mistreats the woman suspects. I say, “I don’t care.”

December 27 dream:  Me and a guy’s sister kissing all over him. He is naked and laying on his stomach. He seems to like it. Then he says he doesn’t. He said the shadow would know.

December 26, 2018:  101 with JF. Then Max and Blake and Letticia at Super Duper. Max says, “Stay amazing.” Blake kind of ignores me. 2-1/2 hours at Rincon. Take F to Castro. Catch #35 right away to Glen Park. Seth at C.B. #23 right away. #43 pretty soon. RHS in p.m. Hear the word “Strip!” React to it. I have RHSed this many times. Feeling sexually abused by my mother in some way, but without a specific memory. Finally, I just say, “Oh, to hell with it. I don’t care what you did me.” And that seemed to do the trick. Jerk off in p.m. Causes return of some back pain.

December 25, 2018:  Got up in a.m. Turned on radio which I rarely do anymore. KQED was playing the end of Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. I wept. I was most affected by the thought of Tiny Tim, who represented to me, I think, my own emotionally crippled self who was left alone in the world at my mother’s murder. (*Relates to first dream of December 22 in which Navy officers on a pier are thrown into the muddy, choppy waters of the ocean.)  In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to W.P.  Everything closed. Two hawks and a crow on way up Ulloa Street. Stop at Starbucks Portola Street. Meet Jason, young Asian guy who is studying to be an ultrasound technician. On top of Mt.D. several people. Two guys playing loud Christmas song. I ask, “Is that Frank?” They excitedly reply, “Yes.” Go to Orchids Cafe (Asian resto) for take-out meal. Cute guy there I had met before. Anonymous call at 8:30ish in p.m.

December 25 dream:  Send out out invitation.

December 25 dream:  Supposed to take some chocolate-flavored candy which may also kill us.

December 25 dream:  Accidentally take woman’s cigarette pack along with barely begun letter with beautiful handwriting. Black woman nearby says, “It ‘s just a bunch of pretty lies.” Old beat-up guy tries to blame me after he got burned by his own cigarette and trying unsuccessfully to take me with him.

December 25 memory:  Memory of Gary Tombleson (vis-a-vis my mother). How I didn’t want to disappoint him by going off with guy who showed interest in me after class I presented at Gary’s invitation.

December 24, 2018:  Almost finished Imaginary Interview with Myself. Just one more final run-thru. Painful a.m. Walked in rain to C.B. at G.P. Natalie there. Still raining. Take #23 and #43 home. Listen to John Sarno on back pain on YouTube. Insight: My back pain may have something to do with Lucia. Maybe the forbidden feeling, the one my back pain is trying to distract me from, is my love for Lucia (or my mother)? And my hope to avoid being abandoned again. So the pain did have something to do with yoga but not in the way I thought. It had to do with my yoga teacher, not pulling muscles during yoga practice. Quitting yoga would have been a way to prevent me from experiencing the shame I felt at my mother’s death again. And also the surge of victory I felt at her death.

December 24 dream:  People at party making some of us do a lot of work. I got out. Talked to father who showed me the lay of the land.

December 23, 2018:  In ’til 4ish working on Imaginary Interview with Myself. Should finish tomorrow. Walk to G.P. on kind of rainy day. Seth at C.B. Walk and #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Our conscious and unconscious beliefs can make us rich or poor, sick or well. My conclusion: Truth is totally believable Consciousness, the only cause, the only effect, the only Reich, with all the accoutrements concomitant thereto; being useful, worthy, and busy, according to the will or wish of Itself.

December 23 dream:  After some event, some of us go to eat at resto which features Ronald and Nancy Reagan. I say, “I’m so glad to meet you” I’m such a Republican.” Then Melissa tells them something I really did to help them.

December 23 dream:  Looking to buy some mushrooms. Someone shows me all kinds of other hallucinogens.

December 23 dream:  U.S. Steel wants to better its public image.

December 22, 2018:  Call at 11ish. No one on the line. Drop coffee again. It doesn’t break this time. Call at 2:50 pm. No one on the line. In ’til 3ish. Seth at C.B. at G.P. Meet young Ph.D. student. He’s in first year studying comparative literature at Princeton. Studying for course in Latin. He went to SOTA (School of the Arts) in S.F. Knew of Isabelle Barbier [daughter of my cousin Leigh Barbier], “But I never spoke to her.” Walk thru G.C. to Mt.D. Then Myka at Safeway. He told me he’s working more at Safeway since his 2nd job as a paramedic was cut back due to the federal shutdown. At bus stop home, woman comes up to me and tells me of huge coyote she just saw down the street near Safeway, which apparently I just missed.

December 22 dream:  People on movie set in S.F. depicting some other location. People standing in a row to block out the view of S.F. I try to get my camera so I can take a picture. Navy exercise is underway. Then called off though it is too late for many officers. They have already run down the pier into the water and many are swimming to safety. Then guy inside building with powder on him. He warns woman about it. At first she doesn’t believe it’s dangerous. Then she sees it all around her.

December 22 dream:  Go to resto. Leave my bike resting against a tree. See someone take it. Go after them. Their car has an out-of-state license plate. Then car becomes a store. I go in and yell, “Bike thieves!” One of the thieves was my brother, Tom O. I tell store manager, “I don’t know what he’s doing, but that’s my brother.” Look thru wallet for my driver’s license. Then remember my key was taken yesterday and I left my driver’s license there.

December 21, 2018:  Decide to get reading with Jean Malanaphy. She reaches people who have already died. I don’t know whether I believe in all that, but I need to resolve something with my mother, so one way or another, this will be good. Made good progress with Imaginary Interview with Myself. In ’til 4ish. Walk to C.B. in G.P. Seth there. Walk thru G.C. in the dark. Then thru Mt.D. in the dark with my cellphone flashlight. On way up, pass three young guys with flashlights on their way down. On top, hear owl. Then see two big birds fly over head. Owls, I presume. (On the longest night of the year, at the highest point in San Francisco.) On way down, feel someone tugging at my arm, but it might have just been the bushes. Thinking of prospective reading with my mother. And also how I used to always get fucked by Jimmie, my black boyfriend in the 70s. I was doing my part for race relations with Jimmie just as I was doing my part to stabilize my family with my mother. Me to my mother: I can no longer be your water-carrier.

December 21 dream:  Went outside to hear marching band practice. Took my drum major baton with me. One little boy came up to me and said, “I don’t think I can play this. I’m too short and I’m out of breath.” There were about 10-15 students. And one adult jazz sax player.

December 21 dream:  I was on a path alone. Then there was a wolf, and some bears in a stream very close. And I figured, “Well, now I’ll experience what it’s like to be eaten.” And then I was safe. Later my father(?) told me how proud of me he was . He said, “And you. You’ve been doing all kinds of things I never thought you could do.”

December 20, 2018:  Hangup call at 1:45ish. Work on Imaginary Interview of Myself. In ’til 3ish. Natalie at C.B. I sit next to whiney girl. Walk thru G.C. to Mt.D. Hear scary growling noise. Then see nice man passing me on my left. I say, “HI.” (*Reminds me of the dark form I saw on Mt.D. on December 14.) Later cat on Mt.D. I flash my cellphone flash light at him. He freezes. Then, when I try to take a photo of him, he moves on. Nice young black guy on #43 on way home as I was checking out beautiful young Asian guy. Isaiah at W.F. “John Harrison” on Mary’s Floyd’s GoFundMe site. (*Relates to 1 a.m. shits from hier?)

December 20 dream:  Someone wakes me up by laying on top of me. I suspect it’s J.

December 20 dream:  City building built with funds from BART, so says my companion. Later AOC wears a shirt, tries on another one of my old plaid shirts and looks great. (h.o.)

December 20 dream:  Many of us lived in this big single room. Obama said we had to more right now and take our furniture with us. New furniture would be provided.

December 20 dream:  Get off train station in Chicago to inside of beautiful church called Church Across the River. Looks like they’re setting up for a service with a brass band. I’m racing around in a wheel chair.

December 20 dream:  Looking for Swiss embassy. Woman walking ahead of me offers me pills.

December 19, 2018:  J. calls at 9:30 am. (*Relates to dropping coffee cup hier and not being able to go back to sleep this a.m.) Go to 101. Very sweet guy with X’mas balls necklace. 2-1/2 hours at Rincon. K to Castro. Cute young French horn player and cellist play Auld Lang Syne. I walk down Castro. Guy smiles at me excitedly as I pass 440 Club (J’s hangout). Then I realize he’s excited by my punk Bernie T-shirt. Take #35 to C.B. in G.P. See “wedding gowns” on cleaners window as I get off bus. Seth at C.B. Plays “Volare.” RHS of my family. If my mother really did sexually abuse me as it feels to be true, then the whole family took part, at least unconsciously. Maybe even my mother’s murder by a so-called friend was