Diary

The Gospel of Thomas 37: 1-2:  His disciples said, “When will you appear to us, and when will we see you?”  Jesus said, “When you strip without being ashamed, and you take your clothes and put them under your feet like little children and trample them, then [you] will see the son of the living one and you will not be afraid.”
The Five Gospels: The Search for the Authentic Words of Jesus

January 17, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. New baristo there. Very cute, sweet, quiet. I try to connect with him. As I leave, I say, “Are you going to be here tomorrow?” He says, “Well, not me. But we’ll be here.” See Lee in front of his liquor store reading SFMTA announcement on the telephone pole. We start talking. His mother comes out to get him away from me. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Cute guy with long hair and broad shoulders. I try to connect with him, too, so as I pass him in aisle, I say, “Are you finding everything you need?” He says, “Yes.” Walk home. Stop by Gennessee Street home which had all the beautiful Xmas tree lights. They were working out in an open garage and watching TV. I tried to make myself noticed. The dog perked up but not the two guys. Insight: As I get home around 6 p.m. hear guy playing scales on his saxophone. Try to find out which apartment he’s in. But when I go down to 2nd floor, he stops. Later realize what’s really upsetting me is not the saxophone playing but my anger. Realize later it’s not even my anger. It’s my father’s anger which I have incorporated within me. It’s like in those horror movies: “The call is coming from inside the house!” My father’s not really dead. He’s alive and well and emoting with a life of his own! (*Relates to 2nd dream of hier? Also to woman from January 11 who predicted the end of the pandemic in one week? Also to final football game from my Rosa Parks dream? The simultaneous game in Washington, D.C., and Miami, Florida, symbolizing me (Miami) separating off from my father (Washington) through this insight.)

January 17 dream:  Go out with some family and friends. Tom C. there. Nancy O. and Laura H. also. I thought we were going to a movie, but turned out to be a lecture. Give Tom C. a hard look. Lecturers were all professors dressed in suits and ties giving their talk from inside a pool. They were either treading water or casually swimming around as they talked about the coming of the Nazis.

January 17 dream:  Am invited over to friend’s house for party. The floor became muddy so I decided to leave after an hour or so.

January 17 dream:  Talking with woman in really nice home. Her parents have been away in London for 10 years. “But they send gifts,” she said.

January 16, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. See my “shirtless” Asian friend on Ocean who was actually shirtless today. Go to Starbucks. Somewhat “slow” young man comes in with his mother, I assume. He’s very sweet. He waves at most everybody who passes. He waves at me as I’m seated. Later he stands up and puts on a funny hat. I go over to him and say, “I like your hat.” He says, “My hat?” I say, “Yes.” He says, “I like you.” I say, “I like you, too.” #43 home. Work on book.

January 16 dream:  On an airplane, remembering the time I was on one which had cockroaches on it.

January 16 dream:  A friend of mine loves the military “for what they can do.” He’s trying to fit together event. Was able to straighten the roof which created a path for small rectangular box of information to slide right into my hands.

January 16 dream:  Guy trying to help me out is a Republican.

January 15, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Library. Sudoku and Daniel at C.B. Cute worker at Canyon Market who shows me the plant-based meat. Walk thru G.C.P. Janet, the Coyote Lady, there. #43 home. See Pater. Walk to W.F. with him. Check out with Cole. Cute young guy on 3rd floor with lots of clothes in his basket. Insight: Pedophilia is not a sexual act. It’s a form of bullying, someone with power having his (or her) way over somebody (a child) with no power.

January 15 dream:  Am in prison. Trying to get attention of beautiful naked man so I can get out.

January 15 dream:  Look at apartment I’d looked at a few years ago. Like it even less now.

January 15 dream:  Guy is trying at Philka Arms.

January 14, 2022:  Wake up late. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Begin reading Up-wingers (as opposed to right-wingers or left-wingers). Go to M.S. #43 home.

January 14 dream:  John and I hanging out at outdoor table. I ask why he doesn’t go back to his sister’s place. Then realize she’s not in. I guess he plans on staying there at the table. The waiter is trying to get us to leave. I tell John, “I’m glad you didn’t take too much whatever you took.”

January 14 dream:  Just moved to new city. Am with Tom C. and woman. Then other older woman says to me, “You’ll be taking a job in a law firm.” Tom suddenly turns her around, apparently to show her something she wanted to see. Later driving around on bikes. Then just horrible, filthy neighborhood.

January 14 dream:  Helping someone wrap a present for Laura Bush. I have to reopen box. It’s a tent, I think. Perhaps new, but with lots of dirt on it.

January 13, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Cute, sweet Asian man washing his newly-purchased van on Circular Avenue. Gang of h.s. boys running by. Cute bicyclist with them. Librarian at G.P. was interested in Inflamed, the book I just returned. I admitted I hadn’t really read it. Sudoku at C.B. Also loud techie. He yells at his phone, “Dick are you comfortable.?” I say, “Yeah, I’m comfortable.” Barista smiles at me. Walk thru G.C.P. See Rachel Gordon walking with her partner. I talk briefly with her. See Janet, the Coyote Lady. Talk briefly with her. Then family with two little girls walking down steps as I walk up them. Little girl says, “I’m tired.” I say, “So am I.” Tall, good-looking daddy smiles at me and says, “You’ve got a long way to go, kiddo.” Strange young man at O’Shaughnessy. #43 home.

January 13 dream:  Swimming pools.

January 13 dream:  I’m mad at friend of mine. He assumes we’re going to lunch together. I go off in another direction.

January 12, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up to CVS Portola. Cute, sweet young guy named Austin helps me out. Starbucks Portola closed. Take #48 to W.P. Starbucks W.P. closed. Take K to Java Hut on Ocean Avenue. I step outside to take photo of beautiful sunset. Then two others do likewise. W.F. Home.

January 12 dream:  Tom O. and I swinging thru trees of forest. Trying to figure out what to fix. Land on two very tall trees and decide to do an online presentation about coffee, for a woman.

January 12 dream:  Have sex with really cute guy in public restroom. Get so excited that I dissociate. I hope I did okay. We plan to meet again. Later have to take care of two things downtown. Go to most dangerous block in the city. Black guy shakes my hand. I am a reporter.

January 12 dream:  Run into friends. Nancy O. there. They’re going to big demonstration. I ask which one ’cause I was at one earlier.

January 11, 2022:  Get call from friendly guy talking about real estate in Texas. (*Relates to shits from hier. Also to dream of January 8 in which friendly cat is pawing at me with mice in the background while I sleep. The cat is the friendly guy. The mice in the background are John. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Gay friend at library. Go to C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. See coyote and Janet, the Coyote Lady, with her “granddog.” Outside M.S., see woman taking photo of the sunset. I say, “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” She said, “The sky looked this way a week before the pandemic started.” I said, “Maybe this means it will be coming to an end.” She said, “I hope so.” Then see beautiful young M.S. guy with hair tied in the back and lots of tattoos. I share with him what the lady told me. He says, “Interesting.” #43 home. Insight: Realized (after watching Dexter season 2, that when my father said, “Just hit me” that I could respond, “No, I don’t want to become you.” Also: Does the cat and mice dream of January 8 relate to the Washington, D.C., and Miami part of my Rosa Parks dream?

January 11 dream:  Old mole coming off. (h.o.)

January 11 dream:  Some family moving out in a hurry. Bob Labansat there.

January 10, 2022:  See “Tonight” in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Sudoku at C.B. Have shits at C.B. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. #43 home.

January 10 dream:  Woman shoveling dirt from one spot in her front yard to another spot in her front yard.

January 10 dream:  Copying pages of text by hand. The rest is sketches. So I’m about to ask if i’m finished.

January 10 dream:  Rush to eat steak sandwich. Drop half of it on the floor. Remember how good they used to be.

January 10 dream:  Beautiful guy shows off his ass. He’s with others in a pool. Try go get back to him. Get lost in coffee shop.

January 9, 2022:  Tough nite last nite. Called Peet’s W.P. Eduardo says they won’t be back to normal hours ’til January 17. In ’til 4ish. Walk up to Mt. Davidson. Then Starbucks Portola. See amazingly beautiful young Japanese guy with his boyfriend. At first I was attracted. Then, as he revealed himself more, not so much. Walk down to Monterey. #43 home. Wrench my back somewhat. Go to W.F. Meet new checkout guy named Jonathan. Min and Isaiah also there.

January 9 dream:  Thinking, “Perhaps somebody died today.”

January 8, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Gay friend at library. Sudoku and Daniel at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. See coyote and Janet, the Coyote Lady. Go to M.S. Bought 4 cartons of “Soy Dream.” Share my excitement with checkout girl. #43 home. Two guy son bus. One kind of told me where to sit. Later he showed me on his cellphone a photo of him in front of “Hot Cookie” on Castro. Insight: Twice my father inadvertently told me the truth. “Just hit me” mean I should stand up to him and I never did. He was right. And “Do you think this [the stepfamily] is just a lie?” was his way of admitting that it was. Hear “le soir” (tonight) on DVD. (*See diary of January 3.)

January 8 dream:  I’m in plane descending through clouds.

January 8 dream:  Almost at end of trip. The cat is out so the mice are out to play. [Feel cat’s paws curiously pawing at my blanket as I sleep.  i think, “You better be the cat and not the mice.]

January 8 dream:  Woman editing something as if I didn’t already know.

January 7, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Forgot cell phone earphones. Go home. Walk up Plymouth to W.P. Peet’s closed again. Walk up Ulloa. Cute young guy, like a h.s.-aged John walking in front of me. I check him out. He turns around and poses for me. Go to Starbucks. #43 home.

January 7 dream:  Trying to get some information from a fellow game player. (h.o.)

January 7 dream:  Looking up all 52 counties in California. Someone called from the County of Ming. I joke, “Yes, we are very interested in your Mingness.”

January 7 dream:  Two of us comment on Susan Sarandon’s tongue. She shows us. It does look healthy. She asks me what I thought of Perry’s talk. I thought it was okay.

January 6, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to library. Sudoku at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 home. Five Latino construction workers get on. One sitting near me has beautiful eyes. He notices me looking at him and tries to hide. This excites me. Get home and jerk off.

January 6 dream:  Boarding submarine through 16 mile sort of straw.

January 6 dream:  Big safe in my father’s bedroom. Pacifier in the safe.

January 6 dream:  Run into guys from Berniecrats. They are having a meeting. So I stay.

January 5, 2022:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Beautiful Asian guy at Miramar K stop. Guy near W.G. smiles at me knowingly. Peet’s closed. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Adam there showing off his body. Other cute guy as I leave. I make special point of passing by him before he leaves. #43 home. Gabe at W.F.

January 5 dream:  The story of me before I became a full-time Being operator. Two little girls wrestling. Sarah F. smiles at me on entering classroom.

January 5 dream:  In courtroom, I’m telling lawyer that we need to say things with wit and flare to get people on our side. Later woman lawyer points out I’m on an “open list.” She runs her hand through my hair.

January 5 dream:  Uncle Nick finds woman next door in a tub of water with her eyes bugged out. Also a dog in a separate tub. I ask him if he’s called anyone. He says he informed the national authorities. Later we find out the woman is OK. The dog didn’t make it.

January 5 dream:  Husband found floating face downwards in a clear, clean swimming pool.

January 4, 2021:  Wake up. Clock says 10:33 A.M. Later it says 10:19 A.M. Remembering the time shortly before May 21, 1987, when I woke up hearing the words “May 21st” and then ignored a naked, showering, smiling John at the YMCA a few days before May 21, knowing that I would run into him again on May 21. Which, of course, never happened. Shits at about 2ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to library. Librarian there very nice to me. Sudoku at C.B. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Jun busy at his salon. Take #43 home. As I exit bus, cute young guy tries to bust his way in before everyone has exited. I block his way.

January 4 dream:  Write out $100 check to The Prosperos. Can’t figure out what date it is. I think it’s June 8.

January 3, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See “Tonight.” Nedim and Mimi at Peet’s. It’s raining, so take K home. Go to W.F. Long lines. Isaiah looks in a bad moon so I get in fast check out line. Unintentionally check out with Gabe. I ask him about his dance moves. As he gives me my bag, he touches me more than is needed. At first I resist. Then I let go. It feels great. Insight: Cramp from last night relates to birth cramps?

January 2, 2022:  Jerk off to man online whose eyes look like John’s. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See Shrey talking with somebody at Java Hut on Ocean Avenue. See my “shirtless” Asian friend who was actually shirtless today. Cute guy in pizza place on Ocean who turns around as I pass. Both Starbucks and Peet’s W.P. are closed. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Taylor sitting at long common table. Last time I saw him was on March 15, 2020, just before the pandemic began. Say hello briefly, and order my drink. When I return to the table, he’s gone. Go to M.S. #43 home. Insight: My father’s request to “Just hit me!” a veiled threat about what he’d do to me if I ever told?

January 2 dream:  Checking in with my group. (h.o.)

January 2 dream:  Chasing my fat cat and some other animal around the house. [Wake up with a big leg cramp in my left leg.]

January 2 dream:  Guest at a church. I am making the bed furiously to make up for the sins that have been done.

January 1, 2022:  Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 4sh. Walk to W.P. Four people say hello to me. Get to Starbucks W.P. at 4:40. They close at 4:45. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Cute baristo there looks like Anthony, but isn’t. Also other cute guy mopping the floor. Caught the eye of first baristo, not the second. Flirt with burrito lady at Miraloma Market or vice versa. #43 home. Catch glimpse of guy as I exit. On 2nd glance see even hotter guy behind him. Involuntarily laughing at somebody’s death on TV. Ask myself: What is the emotion behind that inappropriate emotion? Answer: Superiority. Remembered time in Paris when we students were on barge passing under bridge which was supposed to be romantic spot for the person you were with at the time. I was with sweet young guy who I really would have loved to kiss.

January 1 dream:  Trying to tell Laurie and a friend that I walked down upper Market with my eyes shut, going by smell alone. And that Safeway has a particular smell. Laurie and I decided to both have different kinds of frozen TV dinners.

January 1 dream:  About to have sex with a woman.

January 1 dream:  Sitting at desk at work with no work to do. My female supervisor takes my desk for a project she’s working on. I say, “Can I have my desk back?”

January 1 dream:  Dream of victory over woman from the Eastern part of the U.S. (*Relates to Heather’s email on January 2, defending her anti-vax stance, I think.)

December 31, 2021:  Insight: Fear of New Year’s Eve. Will we make it through? Things don’t always stick around. Like my mother. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. He’s got eye-liner on. I say, “Do you have big plans for tonight?” He says, “Yes, I’m having some friends over and we’re going to play ‘Dungeons and Dragons.’ How about you?” I say, “No.” He says, “Well maybe something will turn up.” Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. “Sir Allen” not there. #43 home. Go to W.F. Check out with August and Cole.

December 31 dream:  Me and woman partners in police case.

December 31 dream:  Nasty woman tries to undermine me at work.

December 31 dream:  Laurie in bed 2nd time. This time she shoots bug directly in the eyes and body with her bug spray. It’s like a big spider with pincers.

December 30, 2021:  in ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See my “shirtless” Asian friend walking without a mask. I say, “Where’s your mask?” He looks at me briefly and then walks on. Doug and Kai at W.P. Walk up Ulloa. Guy singing “Fly Me to the Moon” on his way down. Could be a tulpa. (*Relates to shits from hier about the same time?) Go to M.S. “Sir Allen” there but he didn’t look happy or good. Insight: Callus on my sole relates to callousness in my soul?

December 30 dream:  Trying to get to end of class on tape. It comes in three tapes.

December 30 dream:  Woman reading book by well-known author. I took a piece and ate it. Wondered what I would taste like as a writer.

December 29, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Rainy day. #49 and J to G.P. Sun at library. Sudoku at C.B. Walk home via Circular Avenue feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Rush into apartment and take shit. Walk to Johnny B. Goode. Get repaired shoe. Go to W.F. Min there but I miss him. Buy sparkling apple cider. Work on book. It’s almost ready.

December 29 dream:  Playing with German (enemy) lady’s “dog.” really just a long piece of cloth which wagged.

December 28, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Cold day. 44 degrees in W.P. Take K to W.P. Nedim and Bruce at Peet’s. Take K home. Take shoes back to “Johnny B. Goode.” Guy at Wells Fargo ATM gets excited just seeing me. Go to W.F. Isaiah in bad mood, as usual.

December 28 dream:  While I was in the showers, someone broke in and stole some money, I think.

December 28 dream:  Mark Leno was with friendly guy I knew somehow in the dream but not in waking life. I say to guy, “Do you know who that is?” He says, “Yes.”

December 27, 2021:  As I’m looking out my window, small bird alights briefly on my balcony. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Rainbow on the way. Daniel at C.B. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Jun closed. #43 home.

December 27 dream:  They turned the lights out but I finally got the sandwich I was looking for. Joan Didion was there. Someone said, “What about her?”

December 27 dream:  Michael Brown-type guy “on the mat” telling us about himself. I shoot daggers at him with my eyes, telling him not to lie. Later Calvin says he feels sorry for him. I know he’s lying ’cause I saw him feeling a lot more than sorry.

December 27 dream:  I’m going to miss some of the old gang.

December 26, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Cold, rainy day. Take K to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. Also baristo named Thor. Woman seated near me gives me the eye. Take K home. Doug at W.F. Check out with Cole. Insight: John came into my life, not be my partner, but to show me who I am or at least who I was. Like John, I like being an object of sexual desire. It makes me feel powerful, useful, important, meaningful, happy. Relates to final simultaneous football game in Washington, D.C. and Miami from my Rosa Parks dream? Me enjoying being treated like a sexual object by my father (Miami) and me wanting to be taken seriously as a “son of God” (Washington, D.C.) (*Insight relates to bird on my balcony from December 27?)

December 26 dream:  Some woman trying to take down my knickers. Me wanting to take down the knickers of some woman. (h.o.)

December 26 dream:  Guy tries to take painting from me. I refuse to give it to him. He looks to his coach. I say, “Don’t look to your coach. This is a moral question. You are lying.”

December 26 dream:  A couple of classes going on. Guy decides he may drive a mini-car instead of his bike.

December 25, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Take K to W.P. Buy Chron at Eezy-Freezy. Cute h.s. kid I talk with. He has paint splatters on his pants. I say, “Are you a painter?” he says, “Yeah, my dad’s in construction and I help him out sometimes.” Walk up to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there looking adorable. Also young man reading Wisdom of Life by Schopenhauer. Also a book by Ayn Rand. We talked briefly, twice. Give $4 to my homeless friend in the alley. Walk up to Mt.D. and down home. I’m a little pissed that everything’s closed on Xmas. Get email from Vincent wanting to keep in touch. Makes my scalp itch.

December 25 dream:  Father walks into bathroom just as I was heading that way. I slam something down on the table. “He’s been acting that way for years,” someone says.

December 25 dream:  Starting new job as middle school teacher in small town in Texas. I will be the only male teacher. I am being given my supplies. On top shelf, something with two names, Marsha and Marilyn, written on it. My supervisor says, “Looks like this is something between women.”

December 25 dream:  Volunteer for program. Realize it requires me to stay in facility for a while. Decide to walk out.

December 25 dream:  Sign up to go up in a hot air balloon to root for the Cleveland Browns.

December 25 dream:  Cleaning up shelving in fancy store in outer reaches of San Francisco.

December 24, 2021:  Richard Branam calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Nedim is outside Peet’s, closing up. Wave to Douglas. Go to Starbucks. Guy walking by gives me the eye. Nice chat with baristo. Take K home. See Min at W.F.

December 24 dream:  Trying to pay my concentration camp fees. Push away those who cut in front of me. Guy said they’d get my Zohar bill. (h.o.)

December 24 dream:  Trying to get down gym ladder without allowing new guys to embarrass me.

December 24 dream:  Guy tricks competitor into applying for a job at the time he should have been applying for a different job.

December 23, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Seven Xmas cards await me in my newly repaired mailbox. Walk to W.P. Nedim and Douglas and Mimi and James at Peet’s. Begin reading The Lover. Not impressed yet. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.P. Was going to check out with Cole but decided to check out with Gabe instead. I asked him if he’s been working on his dance moves. (*See diary of December 13.) He said, “Everybody’s going to be doing it.”

December 23 dream:  Empty glasses of ice water. Get ready to do something carefully.

December 23 dream:  Really cute, nice young girl and I are alone. She wants to go further. I walk her to the car. The rest of the family is waiting in the car for her. I try to say something, to make it appear as if we are not so connected,. Then just give that up and walk off. They all smile.

December 23 dream:  Building boarded off due to expectation of tsunami. I try to take picture but my camera goes blurry.

December 23 dream:  Children (me?) being plants in garden as a service for the gods. Something done around Xmas time. I’m dressed in black and white outfit.

December 23 dream:  On big ship at port preparing for some big event. Someone in charge asked about one fo the men. I say, “He’s also on board ’cause he’s younger than my boss.”

December 22, 2021:  Get call from maintenance that my mailbox has been fixed. Walk to G.P. Say “Good Afternoon” to Sudoku. He questioned whether it was a good afternoon. Sun at library. Daniel at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” Talk with h.s. guy sweeping up floor. Go to CVS. Get help from Japanese young man with beautiful eyes. Take #43 home. Talk with Peter about Omicron and learning foreign languages. His sister goes to CSU. Call asking for John Pinkerton. I say, “Are you John Pinkerton?” He says, “No, I’m looking for John Pinkerton.” I say, “So am I.” Go next door to get package. Four or five guys sitting around table in lobby eating their McD food. One guy smiled at me coming and going.

December 22 dream:  Trying to get everything on the right track. (h.o.)

December 22 dream:  Two beautiful drummers are female. Guy gets them together and they are about to perform.

December 22 dream:  “You’re done, son.”

December 22 dream:  In busy part of S.F. I’d never seen before. With fat, gay friend I wanted to get away from.

December 21, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Avalon says my mailbox is broken and I have to get in touch with the office to get my mail. No one is in the office. No one responds to my email or my phone message. See “shirtless” friend just as he’s walking away from me. It’s kind of cold and rainy so take K to W.P. New baristo named James at Peet’s. Also Douglas, Nedim, Mimi. Then in comes James, the actor. (*See diary of August 25.) Talk with him briefly. He sort of cruises me. Last time I saw him he was with who I thought was his girlfriend. Take K part way home. Get shoes fixed at shoe repair place on Ocean for only $5. Very nice man there. (*See July 29, 2020 diary.) Email service request to Avalon to get my mail. Work on book. Drop and break bowl in p.m.

December 21 dream:  Staying in Texas. Lots of spiders come out at night. Lots of cats, too. I wondered if the cats would eat the spiders. Guy talking about how Texas gave away part of Oklahoma.

December 21 dream:  Thane holding big dinner party. A Picasso will be shown one night and another artist on the next night.

December 21 dream:  Win Jeep in lottery.

December 21 dream:  Woman trying to help me at work only makes things worse and the work keeps piling up.

December 20, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See “shirtless” Asian guy with muscle T-shirt on. He smiles sort of. Walk to W.P. Douglas and Nedim at Peet’s. Pretty quiet. Douglas says good-bye to me as I leave. (*Relates to shits from hier about the same time, I think.) Walk home via alternative route. Work on book in p.m. Only ten pages to go.

December 20 dream:  Do we stay or do we go?

December 20 dream:  Fighting with Chris H-type friend.

December 20 dream:  Go to park with two friends. One says he’s going to get some sun. I say, “Me, too.” Though have 2nd thoughts about the people in the park.

December 19, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Cute Asian guy on Judson. He was getting out of his car as his girlfriend (wife?) had already entered the house. He flirted with me with his eyes and I walked on as if I didn’t notice, but so as he would notice me not noticing. Go to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Sudoku also. Shits at C.B. before leaving about 5 p.m. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Check out with Marcus. Wait for #43. Go over to resto to check out cute Asian guy in glasses I followed over there. Insight: Panicky feeling of claustrophobia hier laying on my stomach on chiropractic table relates to my sexual abuse by my father? In p.m. see Episode 5 of Patrick Melrose in which Patrick (as his younger self) says to his father, “No. Nobody should do that to anybody else.”

December 19 dream:  Go to comedy/therapy camp where I find out I have been sexually abused. Hope I have time to deal with it.

December 19 dream:  Took two long-legged insects out of my left foot. Then tied up my tennis shoes (and my bike) and rode to my sweetheart’s place. She was an older woman.

December 19 dream:  Sunday “I Do” special at 7 p.m. I was wearing the striped shirt with colored stripes on the bottom and black and white stripes on the top, so I was invited.

December 19 dream:  Pay $25 for some cookies and a drink. Meet Ana Kasparian (played by Jennifer Aniston) as I pay. She’s very nice to me. We do high five. [Woke up coughing.]

December 18, 2021:  Anonymous call about 11:30 a.m. (*Relates to shits from hier about the same time?) In ’til 1ish. Take K to Van Ness for chiropractic at 2:30. Then walk up to Castro Street blocked off for Matrix #4 (“The Resurrections”) premiere this p.m. Walk by J’s bar. Then take K to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. Also Vincent. I sit next to him before I notice it’s him. We talk for over an hour. Today he is talking about his “girlfriend.” We talk about Paris, London and the book he is writing an essay about, “L’Amant” (“The Lover”). I said, “Are you ready for Christmas?” He said, “I have lots of alcohol stored up, if that’s what you mean.” He says it’s good to have a good cry once a year. I agree. Talk briefly with Douglas on way out. Take K home. It’s 47 degrees in West Portal. Stop at W.F. Check out with Isaiah.

December 18 dream:  Trying to get from some people.

December 18 dream:  Discover six questions for next Wednesday’s quiz written on public board at crosswalk. I’m with my current girlfriend Erika who used to be named Nancy. I see my old girlfriend Nancy. I say, “Nancy, meet Nancy.” Erika gets upset. “It’s Erika.”

December 18 dream:  Guy making sign for upcoming event.

December 18 dream:  Living on beach. Notice neighbors upstair having a fight. I can see man yelling at woman in their window. Think about telling the landlord. Then she comes over. I try to comfort her. She opens a few doors in my kitchen including door to basement. Realize they are there for a reason.

December 17, 2021:  In ’til about 11:30. Just as I’m leaving, have to shit. Come back. Shit. Shower. Catch #29 and #38 to VA. Cute young Japanese teen on #38. Dermatology appointment. Second doctor was really hot and actually talked to me. Asked me about my life. Sounded interested. First doctor called spots on my back “wisdom spots.” I’d never heard that one before. Walk to La Promenade Cafe. Johnish-looking guy in shorts. I want to make some connection so I ask him to watch my cell phone as I take a leak. Walk thru G.G. Park. Runner smiles at me as I check him out. Catch N to Cole Valley. Get Vietnamese sandwich at Luke’s. Same guy as first time a few months ago. Wait for #37 or #43, whichever comes first. #43 was supposed to arrive first but #37 arrived first, so I took it to the Castro. Get stuck at Market ’cause driver didn’t want to let in several teen skateboarders who, he said, had damaged his bus before. Finally most of the boys left, but three get on. As I left bus, I said to them, “I guess you guys are pretty dangerous.” They liked that. Go to 440 Club for cranberry juice. Castro Theatre getting ready for world premise of Matrix #4 tomorrow. Take M to W.P. Young boy with paper crown on his head. I say, “Are you royalty or something?” He says, “No.” I say, “I like your hat.” Go to Peet’s. Pass Vincent on the way. He gives me a dirty look. (*Relates to shits from hier at about the same time, I think.) Think I see Douglas at Peet’s. Go in. It’s Roman. Order drink to go. Rush to catch K. Sit next to same young boy with paper crown, which is the only seat available. Don’t speak to him, though later Tom Blair comes on board and we talk briefly and boy starts talking with one of his school friends. Go to W.F. See Min with nobody in his line.

December 17 dream:  My boss says, “You were such a nice guy when I met you in Westwood. You really should learn to play the piano.” (h.o.)

December 17 dream:  Guy calling in the street: “We need to love the animal. We need to love the shark,” etc.

December 17 dream:  Rooming with Sara Walker, cat finds my shaving cream. Other Prosperos there, including Fennie.

December 17 dream:  Deiter trying to get away from cult. As soon as he walks out, he’s met by cult members on the street trying to get him back. Deiter goes into gay pose and dishes cult guy’s jacket.

December 16, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Sun at library. I waited in his line but he was taking a really long time and other librarian opened up her window. Go to C.B. Ugly baristo there. Also Sudoku briefly. Barista closes bathroom early, as I go to library bathroom. Feel sudden urge to shit, which I do. Only it wouldn’t flush. So I leave “gift” for Sun or whomever comes upon it. Decide to walk home via Monterey instead of G.C.P. Work on book for nearly two hours. Watching subtitle in p.m., the dialogue online was “I’m just fine” and the subtitle, but not the online dialogue, continued, “And so are you.”

December 16 dream:  Trying to learn French and something else in one day. Touching hands with little girl along with her mother. (h.o.)

December 16 dream:  Need to spend my coin on learning my trade.

December 16 dream:  Counting out $50 of donation for an atomic clock which looked like a piece of plastic sheet with a magnet in the middle.

December 16 dream:  Talking with Heather about her feminism not being consistent with writing a new version of the Lord’s Prayer.

December 16 dream:  My arm on back of bus seat. Cute guy leaning against it with his butt. I don’t move my arm away.

December 15, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Same ugly librarian at Ingleside library as before the pandemic began. Eduardo and Ramon at Peet’s in W.P. Vincent came in later. We talk quite a while. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Cute guy looking at soup. I say, “Is their soup good/” He says, “I don’t know.” Work on book in p.m. Insight from my book: “Reason I get off on cute men being humiliated (as I did earlier today when I jerked off) is because I’m re-enacting what my father did to me. He used his power over me to get off. I get off when those with power over me (beautiful men) are humiliated or brought down. That’s probably why I’ve had so much difficulty accepting sexual invitations from beautiful men. I didn’t want that self in me to emerge.” 

December 15 dream:  Somebody had picked out some photos they like for my book.

December 15 dream:  Carol Carter wants to take me out of group. I was sleeping on the couch at the time or at least just waking up.

December 15 dream:  Carol Carter says, “I do.”

December 15 dream:  My roommate is having sex. I go to 1st floor. When I take elevator back to “2” the door comes off and it doesn’t work.

December 15 dream:  Something about the I-805. (See diary of December 14 about alarm clock going off at 8:05.)

December 15 dream:  Waiting for somebody to pick me up at noon. It’s a few minutes before. I’m at work at a construction site.

December 14, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. He looked at me twice, once. Bruce there also. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” He says, “Have a wonderful night.” Alarm clock goes off by itself at 8:05 p.m.

December 14 dream:  Hard-on dream.

December 14 dream:  Getting 25, I think, books out, produced by or titled “Flesh.”

December 14 dream:  On an outing with the relatives. At hotel meet character who says he’s a TV star. Looks sort of like Doogie Howser.

December 14 dream:  Stay at same girls’ cabin in the woods. [Illegible.] They just got married finally.

December 13, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. As I walk out, see beautiful, tall black man with tight pants, waiting in front of W.F. I turn around a couple of times to check him out. Then see “shirtless” Asian friend walking by wearing only a muscle T-shirt in the rain. Take K to W.P. Nedim at Peet’s. As I leave, meet Vincent who’s a Harvard Ph.D student. He was reading a book in French. He asked for my email address which I gave him. Go to W.P. station. The K was there but I hung around to talk with hot guy wearing only shorts and T-shirt. As I passed him, I said, “You need an umbrella.” He said, “I have a friend who’s going to pick me up.” Wait for K. Go to W.F. Check out with Min and Gabe. Compliment Gabe on his dance moves which I had seen him display a few moments before. He said, “Everybody’s going to be doing it.” I said, “I doubt that I will.”

December 13 dream:  Me holding a bouquet of flowers.

December 13 dream:  My partner brought food back for the bosses but none for him and I.

December 13 dream:  Someone tells us to say, “Okay.” I do. Others are not so sure.

December 13 dream:  Rachel Maddow takes over as my supervisor while he’s gone. I tell her, “I don’t know whether I’m doing a good job or a bad job. Things are so much up in the air.” She suggests rest.

December 13 dream:  Woman says to me, “Now that your father is dead, you no longer have to love him.”

December 12, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. A little rainy. “Shirtless” guy just as I leave. He smiles as I’ve seen him about this time for several days in a row. Go into “Black” store on Ocean. Ask for anti-Asian hate T-shirt. They don’t have any but woman there and her daughter are very sweet. Then homeless woman in front of Java Hut smiles at me as I’m thinking about something. Guys on K. Persian guy gets out of his seat for me. Cute Asian guy staring at me as I exit on 14th Avenue. Erich and Nedim at Peet’s. Erich and I talk briefly. I bite my tongue while talking to him. Take K home. Stop at W.F. See Doug in bakery. (*See diary of December 3.) I thank him for having pumpkin pies. He says, “Now, it’s not a ‘shame’.” Work on book in p.m. Hear “I’m not afraid anymore” in p.m.

December 12 dream:  A friend wants to give me a haircut so I’ll look like George Washington. (h.o.)

December 12 dream:  Had to arrest and then take down guy who was shooting other suspects with a staple gun.

December 12 dream:  2nd day of calmness(?)

December 12 dream:  Flush paper down urinal. Hope it doesn’t get stuck.

December 12 dream:  Clean some streets in the Mission. Bus driver drives over part I didn’t clean.

December 11, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Lee at liquor store. No Chrons. Go to library. No Sun. then C.B. Sudoku comes in later. Have nice talk with Daniel on my way out. Walk thru G.C.P. Run into Sean on Amethyst, just as he’s driving in. I say, “Sean, isn’t it?” He says, “Yes…Mike?” Go to M.S. Check out with Alex. “Sir Allen” nearby. #43 home.

December 11 dream:  Train full of people. Person says, “There’s one more baseball game, if you want, tonight and the next day. Or you can stay on.”

December 11 dream:  Trying to update everything as “done.”

December 11 dream:  Afraid I’m going to forget my lines in skit we are doing about the Army.

December 11 dream:  Nate, a black guy, and I both make it back to the city from the East Bay. Then I lose him. Then I find where he works. And they’re waiting for him, too. I need to give him receipts for the items I gave him.

December 11 dream:  Run into Tom C. and Hanz at East Bay bus station. Tom not too happy to see me. They go off somewhere. I shrug to Hanz.

December 10, 2021:  Wake up about 8 a.m. Take nap later. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Run into Shrey in front of Ingleside Gallery. He invites me to participate in show in January. To to Peet’s in W.P. Erich there. I give him the Gurdjieff book. He said he’d get it right back to me. I wore the wrong shoes so my feet are sore and I take K home. Go to W.F. Don’t check out with Cole, though we do greet each other after. Theme of the day: Guys who think I’m after them when I’m really not. Work on book in p.m.

December 10 nap dream:  Working with woman (maybe Sarah Flynn) to do a song album of her songs. I think, ‘Maybe I should sing some songs, too.”

December 10 dream:  Am invited over for dinner at woman’s, who’s part of our group. I pick at some food in the kitchen. She says, “Oh, that’s no good.” (h.o.)

December 10 dream:  Airplane wheel about to touch down.

December 10 dream:  On full bus with wedding party. Guy who just got married is out of his mind high or drunk. He did something bad but he didn’t care. The driver is tearing down the road. Beautiful lake and snowy-covered mountains to our right. We arrive at destination. I’m thinking I might be a 4th Way teacher.

December 9, 2021:  in ’til 3ish. Anonymous call as I’m leaving. (*Relates to “shits” from hier at about 3 p.m.?) Walk to W.P. via Yerba Buena Ave. Nedim and Douglas and Bruce at Peet’s. As I leave I see handsome guy who looks a bit like John. As I look at him, I catch Douglas’s eye . We talk briefly. He’s a studying computer science at Skyline College. Hopes to transfer to UC Irvine or UC Santa Cruz. I say, “Santa Cruz sounds nice.” Take K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. He wants to work for “Vice” or some such journalistic outfit. He says, “It feels like I see you everyday.” I say, “I make a point of getting in you line.” Work on book in p.m. Fire alarm in p.m.

December 9 dream:  Guy at station telling us which areas are our responsibilities. (h.o.)

December 9 dream:  Woman complains about S.F. parking. I say, “They’re publishing a video of all our government building if you want to check it.” She doesn’t. Van with “Mayor Newsome” board game on it. 

December 8, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Shits as I’m about to leave. Walk to W.P. Eduardo there. Erich never shows up. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F Check out with Isaiah. Hot, tall guy with nice pecs looking at his cellphone in the elevator. Also very nice smell. I want to tear off his clothes and pounce.

December 8 dream:  Me and another guy set off to work. Woman shows up intermittently to host the morning show. (h.o.)

December 8 dream:  Royal young prince is popular with the press. He almost leaves his mother, the queen, behind.

December 8 dream:  While I was out, my roommates put in new carpet foundation. I said, That’s good. Then you can put in a new carpet and trim the ledge with paint.”

December 8 dream:  Moving back into my apartment. Tall, hot guy in leather pants who was somebody’s lover.

December 7, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Follow my shirtless Asian friend up Ocean Avenue all the way to Mission Street. Then cute guy getting out of car nearly walks into me. Then strange guy sitting in car waving at me with his fingers. Then Asian guy followed by several woman acknowledges me as he enters bank. Excelsior library guard disappointed I wasn’t picking up any books. Walk to G.P. Go to library. See Sun in background. Then sit near Sudoku at C.B. Later he sits at table across from me and smiles and stares at me. Walk up Monterrey to Safeway. The just miss #43 home. Walk home instead. Take some great photos of Xmas lights on Gennessee. Work on book in p.m.

December 7 dream:  Move to sort of commune. Each couple with their own area and there’s a common area, too.

December 7 dream:  Female comedian (Melissa McCarthy) inhaling food and then spitting it out. Me trying to find two books.

December 6, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Nedim there. Sit next to two ugly young women. They leave. Guy in hoodie sits down. Later find out it’s Erich. We talk for quite a while. They had to kick us out. (*See last dream of December 4.) As I leave, I drop my pen. Then I drop my empty paper cup. Hope to see him again on Wednesday. He’s 21. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. He’s studying journalism at SFSU. Work on book in p.m.

December 6 dream:  At my first gig as a policeman. Woman there points out particular areas of my body which need exercise.

December 6 dream:  Guy recommending I don’t have to count out so long.

December 6 dream:  Helped two people rob a bank at gunpoint. Wonder if I should just confess. Still need $1.50 in postage to send a package.

December 6 dream:  Finishing up long list. Woman who had interfered before says, “Be sure to include all men and God. The men should be contemplated in, let’s say, a woman’s body.” I say, “We’ve got plenty of those.”

December 5, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas, Erich and Nedim at Peet’s. When I came in, Douglas was the cashier. I said to him, “Are you taking orders now?” That amused Nedim. When I leave, Erich is quite aggressive in insisting that we get together soon and talk about the book I recommended to him (Colin Wilson’s book about Gurdjieff). Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Turn around to look at pushy people in line behind me. Beautiful long-haired blond guy is smiling at me. I change my attitude real quick. Work on book in p.m.

December 5 dream:  See another cute guy as I’m exiting the building.

December 5 dream:  Go down to Bogota, Columbia, to live at a movie Laurie saw. Get to real estate office at 540 street address. 541 was listed on the sidewalk. Office is also grocery store. They are moving in with cheap blond colored office furniture. I had met the office manager before. [When I look at my digital clock, it is 5:40.]

December 5 dream:  Guy in muscle T-shirt. Other guys ask him to flex. He does, but hesitantly. Apparently, somebody won something.

December 5 dream:  Clearing off Barry Bram’s (played by Ben Gazzara) long wooden bridge. We came to big gap.

December 5 dream:  Motor oil spills on my shiny blue coat as my friend tries to plan her trip.

December 4, 2021:  Did not attend World Work Translation Group in a.m. No blowback yet. (*See 2nd dream of December 3.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Daniel there. As I’m leaving, run into Walter L. We talk about 15 minutes. Then go to G.P. library. My librarian is Sun, the guy who recommended a DVD series to me (“Wonderfalls”). (*See diaries of November 2 and November 30.) Walk thru G.C.P to M.S. Nobody exciting there. Get pissed that they don’t have “Soy Dream” milk anymore. Start to Translate. Run into Tommy (*See diary of April 25, 2021) who says “hi” to me. Run into two girls who are all over each other as we wait for #48. One girl cheers and then I cheer when it finally arrives. Go to W.P. Take K to W.F. Follow cute guy with Afro. He’s about to walk away after looking at cut fruit. I say, “Is it fresh?” He replies, “Yes.” He has a beautiful face. Glad I talked to him. Pakistani guy with new bike on elevator home.

December 4 dream:  Short black guy breaks into my apartment. I kick him out. Then he breaks in again. I call 411. A recording says, “If you have experienced a crime, tell us so.”

December 4 dream:  Hard-on dream.

December 4 dream:  My lunch date doesn’t show up. Later I realize I’m Prince Michael. Kim also there.

December 4 dream:  On my way to work, see four hefty guys in black swim trunks swimming in the bay. I feel the water. It is warm. I swim myself. Then try to gather up my things (mostly wet) together for work.

December 3, 2021:  Back hurting a bit more today. (*Relates to my feelings about Douglas or my feelings about Heather?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Hear school girl say, “I don’t feel safe” at Aptos School. In W.P., I’m thinking to myself that whenever I’m forced to choose between having sex with someone or loving them, I’ve always chosen loving them. As I think this, big motorcycle cop waves and smiles and nods at me in agreement, as he turn right off West Portal onto Vicente. Douglas not at Peet’s. Erich and Eduardo are. I walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Really, nice, cute Asian-ish guy tells me why they don’t have any pumpkin pies at W.F.

December 3 dream:  Closing up from big fair or Prosperos reunion. Somebody had one last thing they wanted to read to us. Others had already left.

December 3 dream:  Fire in fireplace seems to be getting bigger and hotter. Guy tells me not to worry. Then instantly it is completely gone. (*Relates to me not attending World Work Translation Group on December 4?)

December 3 dream:  Walk thru desert area. See snake with kind of shell bracelets all over her body.

December 3 dream:  A stalled project is underway again. Guy washing down the street.

December 2, 2021:  Feel a lot better this a.m. 150 clicks on BB on December 1. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. in my new shoes. Douglas at Peet’s. He’s barely polite to me. Eduardo and Bruce there, too. Walk part way home. See same high school kid from November 30 on the M. Then take K. My new shoes are a little tight around the ankles. Cute little Asian girl pushing cart with her proud father at W.F. Work on book in p.m. Watching Murdoch Mysteries in p.m., inspector refers to gay men as “left-footers.”

December 2 dream:  Return three books to female librarian who is hot for me. She is seated as I return the books and she touches my toes with hers when I do. One of the books is by Colin Wilson. The other is a knock-off. (h.o.) (*Relates to jerking off on December 3?)

December 2 dream:  Cars driving on wrong side of the street. Guy says he heard there was an accident. Guys taking shards of glass out of their legs. (*Relates to me and Douglas?))

December 1, 2021:  Bills and monthly BB. Repost “The Prosperos Takes the Road Most Travelled” post as I had decided on November 27. Get new shoes in mail. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Eduardo and Erich at Peet’s W.P. Have nice chats with both. Walk back via Yerba Buena Avenue. Bend over to pick up envelope and my back goes out. (*I think this is a physical reaction to my reposting the “Mr. Fennie is a bully” post.) Insight: Near accident just before getting home from October 23 family reunion relates to sexual opportunity with Douglas on November 26?

December 1 dream:  We four kids – Love, Mike, Laurie and Tom — have to get up a bit early. We’re moving today.

December 1 dream:  Getting out of bathtub which has never gotten very dirty. Lots of people in passageway. Hear the roar of a crowd. Realize it’s the president. I say, “Trump!” Cute young guy smiles at me.

November 30, 2021:  Look at digital clock. It says 9:59 AM. Later I look at it and it says 9:52 AM. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to library. Clerk from November 2 there. (*I realized later that he probably related to the hawk in G.G. Park from hier.) Walk thru G.C.P. Then #48 to W.P. Eduardo, Douglas and Sergio at Peet’s. Douglas is very loving again. He brings me my drink and my banana bread. I wonder if I screwed up by not coming on to him when I had the opportunity a few days ago. (*Relates to first dream of November 29?) Take M to Balboa Park. H.S. kid on board. Then another beautiful young guy on #43. Then run into Peter at W.F. and check out with Cole. “May 1” mentioned on Jack Benny Show.

November 30 dream:  I seem to be close to co-signing a check for $20,000. Guy’s credit seems pretty shaky.

November 30 dream:  Go to lecture by 95-year-old man who was supposed to have done something bad in his past. The lecture was supposed to have been sold out, but as Marilyn D. and I walk in hand-in-hand, most of the seats are empty. An English relative of the man castigates the audience for not showing up.

November 29, 2021:  VA appointment at 10 a.m. Hot for Dr. Mah in his medical scrubs. He tells me I have an “intractable nucleic callus” on my left sole. He says this problem will not go away. I say, in my head, “That’s what you think.” Insight: Callus on my left sole relates to my intractable callousness re my mother’s death or maybe just my callousness in general? Walk to La Promenade Cafe. Then thru G.G. Park thru S.F. Botanical Garden. See big fish in pond with other guy. Then woman in wedding gown as I exit. I take photo. Then homeless guy who says, “That looks like a weapon.” I say, “What does?” He says, “What you have in your bag.” I show him and say, “It’s an umbrella.” Go to Cole Valley. Wait in line to get sandwich. Eduardo from Peet’s W.P. passes by, He says, “See you tomorrow.” Then 37 to Castro. Go to J’s bar for cranberry juice. Then K home. Good-looking guy in W.F.

November 29 dream:  Guy runs from his into somebody else’s place. Then they both hit a bear ’til it limps off. Then real owner of the property shows up. Guy runs from him, too, in slow motion sort of way.

November 29 dream:  Visit woman I call “Hon” at her home. She’s building fence in front of her house and I’m wondering if that will interfere my daily delivery to her. Her husband is hot.

November 28, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Wave to Jun in his salon. Go to C.B. Owners there. Beautiful man in black cycling outfit enters just as I leave. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Check out with Marcus, guy from Ohio with $1,500 worth of tattoos on his body. #43 home. Shits about 11 p.m.-ish.

November 27, 2021:  World Work Translation Group in a.m. Heather brings up my BB post of November 23 in which I called Mr. Fennie a bully. (*Relates to 2nd dream of November 26?) Later I decide to post it again on the monthly BB on December 1. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Lee has no Chrons. Go to G.P. library. Then C.B. Owners there. Author from Peet’s W.P. there. Leave early. Go to hardware store to buy alarm clock. They don’t have any. Then catch #35 which is just taking off for the Castro. Walk by J’s bar to Cliff’s. Buy alarm clock. Walk by J’s bar again to Muni underground. Take M to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Douglas there. He’s polite. When he gives me my drink, our fingers touch. On the way out, I say, “Goodnight, Douglas.” He says, “Goodnight, Mike.” Walk to W.F. Check out with Cole, who went to Folsom for Thanksgiving. Shits on getting home. Work on book in p.m.

November 26, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. relates to hawk and two crows from hier? In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. He rushes to finish my drink order before I’d finished ordering. Then he brought my warmed scone to my table. I was overwhelmed by how beautiful he looked and acted. It took me quite a while to recover. As I left, I opened myself to whatever mood he was in. He wasn’t looking at me so I think he was expecting me to come on to him. Walked home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Translate “Economic well-being is at war with environmental well-being.” Conclusion: “The economy of Truth functions seamlessly in the infinite dwelling place/environment of Consciousness.”

November 26 dream:  In building I’d been in before. Guy chasing woman in elevator. She gives him something in his mouth. He pulls out a strand of floss.

November 26 dream:  Legal secretaries revolt. I stand with them. At one point I am on top of a tall card catalog stand in the library and I don’t know how I’ll get down. Then I’m on the marble floor telling Perry Dickey the news. I say, “We decided, mostly women…” He says, “You’re good.” I say, “…to go with the original strike points and fight for them.” (*Relates to Heather’s comments on November 27?)

November 26 dream:  Working for the Russians under duress. I’ll only be there a few more days.

November 25, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Take K to the Castro. Ricardo & Ken’s for Thanksgiving from about 4 p.m. to 8. Hawk being chased by two crows immediately before. K home.

November 25 dream:  Out in the desert at a campus looking for a place to pee. Several tornadoes pass by. Was trying to get back to acting group or maybe yoga group of friends I had been invited to join.

November 25 dream:  European underwear made of yellow holey plastic on which you press on the pockets, as desired.

November 25 dream:  Thane is short, thin but with big shoulders. I help him go to program printer. We went to make sure some info is included about Tom C’s memorial.

November 24, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Translate “lesion” which leads to “injure” which leads to “not right” which leads to “not true” which leads to “not real.” My spirit improves. As I leave Peet’s, I say to Ramon, “Where’s Douglas?” He says, “I think she comes in on Friday afternoon.” Take K home. Go to W.P Very hot guy there I made way for. He starts chatting up some girl. Checkout with Min. Maureen M. calls in p.m.

November 24 dream:  Transferring 59 names from one place to another for children. Revision of something. h.o.)

November 24 dream:  Guy transferring his files from one place to another, for children’s version of something.

November 24 dream:  Carol Carter returns to wok on the day after payday.

November 24 dream:  Two cute shirtless guys working on my house come in thru my bedroom window. Jack Benny also there in a suit with cat hairs on it or they may have been part of the suit.

November 23, 2021:  Post “The Prosperos takes the road most travelled” on BB. Worked on BB, OSF and ZontaPhotos.com. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Beautiful man on Ocean Avenue smiles as I cruise him. Douglas at Peet’s. Beautiful man running on Yerba Buena Avenue who smiles at me even before I see him. Work on book in p.m.

November 23 dream:  Go to Mary L.’s house. She”s very happy to see me. Later, eating and relaxing and I’m told it’s time to move again. Mary wants me to bring her a device which will predict the future. (h.o.)

November 23 dream:  Trying to get rid of some computer files I had forgotten I had.

November 22, 2021:  Wake up at 7ish. Later take nap in’ til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Follow cute guy with pony tail into bookstore. Lady says, “Are you looking for anything?” I say, “Xmas cards.” I look at a few. Then follow guy for enough time for him to realize I didn’t come into the store for Xmas cards. I came in ’cause of him. Go to Peet’s. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Check out with Min at W.F. Work on book in p.m.

November 22 dream: Driving back from place we all met at, I get lost. Run into handsome, dark-haired man who I had met before. I tell him I’m lost. He says he’ll help me get back. I promise to share some chocolate with him. I think, “Boy, I wish I was as handsome as him.” Then I think, “Never mind. He’s my friend. And that’s enough.”

November 22 dream:  Buy a bunch of new clothes for my new apartment I am sharing with roommate I haven’t met yet.

November 22 dream:  Make out with flat-chested woman owner of motel. Then some people come by.

November 21, 2021:  Get up early – around 9 a.m. Can’t get back to sleep. So I join Trustee’s meeting online. Bill Fennie goes on a “shit”-filled tirade. Later he is elected Acting Dean. I post this news on the BB followed by the comment: “We’re f***ed.” Michael Kelly asks me to explain myself. I resist, but finally add: “I think Mr. Fennie is a bully and that’s not going to attract new students or new ideas to The Prosperos.”

November 21 dream:  Start dancing with my male cousin. Thane says, “Who are you?”

November 21 dream:  Washing up another relative, a woman.

November 21 dream:  Move temporarily to apartment on Sutter. They are cleaning it out of all cockroaches. We need to take everything out. They are talking to my older female roommate who is still in bed. J. tells me he lived there temporarily one time, too. I wonder when he and I will move in together.

November 21 nap dream:  I touch Thane’s hand and say, “I’m not trying to butter you up or anything, but that’s why your teachings are so good. There’s very understandable.”

November 20, 2021:  In ’til 2:30. Haircut at 3 p.m. Jun his usual funny/aggressive self. Walk to G.P. Lee just got a haircut just like me. Then G.P. library. Then C.B. Daniel there. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Meet Packer’s fan. In p.m., during a moment of intensely trying to remember something, my bedspread kind of just pops up.

November 20 dream:  At party with relatives. Look for place to pee. The two options were being used. One was filled with laundry.

November 20 dream:  Two drunk guys wanted me to take over for them while they slept off their drunk.

November 20 dream:  Trying to set up video screen in motel. I’m with two travelers.

November 20 dream:  Cathy Buckles says, “When you get to India…”

November 19, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Very quiet. See Douglas after I’d been there a while. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out near “Sir Allen” but not with him. #43 home. Work on book.

November 19 dream:  The person with whom I’ve spent almost half of my life…

November 19 dream:  At gay sex class. Calvin is there and others. Guy says to me that If I bring in cute new guy that I can get in, too. I think I agree.

November 19 dream:  Get a ride from L.A. in a luxury car called a Drake. The driver looks a lot like Stella Rush.

November 18, 2021:  Dental appointment at 2 p.m. Walk home via Castro. Then up Market to Portola. #48 to W.P. Douglas, Eduardo, Bruce and gay guy at Peet’s. K to W.F. Check out with Killian.

November 18 dream:  Mary from Ingleside library visits me while i’m in cafeteria. (Lucid dream.)

November 18 dream:  Get in argument with my boss at party. He thinks it’s ok to disrespect people’s wishes. I disagree.

November 18 dream:  Go thru several male partner interviews. They are all taken away.

November 18 dream:  Go to work at new job in Berkeley. Mostly black women there. Go to lunch with two people. Nobody speaks to me.

November 17, 2021:  Wake up an hour late for my 9 a.m. VA phone appointment. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Peet’s W.P. Then down W.P. to eye doctor to pick up my new glasses. Stop by C.S. reading room. Say hi to Oladipupo (Ladi). Then walk home. Killian at W.F. Work on book in p.m.

November 17 dream:  Brakes don’t work too well on my replacement car.

November 16, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Cute Pakistani clerk at 7-11 wearing “I don’t skate” T-shirt. Then Nedim, Douglas and Mimi at Peet’s W.P. Douglas brings me my banana bread and my drink. Cute young guy at Ezzy-Freezy whom I admired. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole who has thick chain around his neck. Eat chocolate chip cookie in p.m. Get pelvic pain. Tell myself, “You have a right to be happy. You don’t have to get your father’s permission to be happy.” Just like I thought I needed his permission to visit Paris. Not to mention all the sexual opportunities which I declined ’cause I didn’t think I had my father’s permission. Not to mention my happiness after my first kiss with Kathy Warfield back in 1965 or so. Watch five videos about trauma and dissociation. Later watch episode of “The Ghost Whisperer” in which character says, “Everybody’s happy in Florida.” Which, I think, relates to the final two football games in Washington D.C. and Miami, Florida from my Rosa Parks dream. My father being the powerful but probably corrupt Washington, D.C. football game and me being happy and separate from him in my Miami, Florida football game.

November 16 dream:  Visit girl I really like. There’s two or three of us, including me, trying to scrape together enough green food for a meal. I think, “I’d just like to make out with her.”

November 16 dream:  Starting two new classes. Really like them both. Need to get my time-card signed. Rush thru beautiful campus.

November 15, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Listen to wonderful Peter Coyote video. Mimi quite nice to me. Up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen” (He found his name tag.) #48 to K home. Cute short guy gets on and sits near me. There’s something about him that makes me decide to stay on K ’til he gets off. Finally as he gets off, other guy walks in front of him, who I check out instead of him. He jumps the turnstiles at Balboa Station. Walk to W.F. with three bags of groceries. Check out with Min. Isaiah was there as well but left by the time I got to checkout. Meet sweet Chinese guy with Chinese food on elevator to 3rd floor. I say, “Goodnight.” Later, as he enters his apartment, he says “Goodnight” to me.

November 15 dream:  Finish hide and seek game. Save X’mas tree for next time. (h.o.)

November 15 dream:  Go to reunion of sorts. Couple of black guys looking thru photos of them. Guy asking me if I’m going to be around.

November 15 dream:  Guy we all like smuggles himself onboard. Sits in center of back seat of bus. At the end of the journey he gives hisself up. But everyone likes him so much that he is forgiven. I’m a little jealous of him. Maureen M. also there. Other guy asks her to stay on.

November 14, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ilsh. Walk to W.P. Building on stilts on San Benito is not going to be lowered. They’re adding a new first floor. John lookalike at outdoor parklet in front of W.P. bar, on his cellphone. I tried to stare him down but he only smiled internally and never looked directly at me. Perhaps he was a tulpa. Go to Peet’s. Douglas and Erich there. Walk home via same outdoor parklet. Nobody there. Stop in W.F. to see if Isaiah is there. He isn’t, but Min is. Work on book and clean bathroom in p.m.

November 14 dream:  Photography teacher asks us to submit photos that have a theme or a story. (h.o.)

November 14 dream:  Order banana bread and radish drink, my usual.

November 14 dream:  Two young radical guys getting ready to leave our office. They would become famous in years to come.

November 14 dream:  “44”

November 14 dream:  Blond guy I knew and liked threatened us with a gun. He wanted $20 or $40. He went in to Greenwich Village building. And another guy with a gun was watching our car. Plainclothes policeman came by and wrestled him to the ground. Then went into building to search for blond guy. We told him he’s going to be performing tonight on the 16th floor.

November 13, 2021:  Tough nite last nite. Spent most of it on cot in my bathroom World Work Translation group at 9:45 a.m. Three of us attended. Then Self Observation group at 11 a.m. Five of us. Nap at 2:30. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas and Erich at Peet’s. Also guy with CSU T-shirt. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Hot guy with his girlfriend who be clung to after I smiled at him. Check out with Isaiah at W.F. Liked his plaid red shirt but didn’t comment on it for fear he would think I was coming on to him. Later see Min at another checkout station. Insight: “3 weeks” from April 6 relates to my request for public records on my father? Also: Oberhaus vs. Ludo.

November 13 dream:  Match the places I’ve worked with the places I’ve lived over the past few years to see if one had any effect on the other. (h.o.)

November 12,  2021:  Wake up with painful charley horse in my left leg. (*See last dream of November 11.) Take nap around 2 p.m. Leave about 4 p.m. Have shits just before leaving. Walk to W.P. Run into Shrey on Ocean. Go to Peet’s. Guy takes seat I was hoping to take. I look at him. He stares back as if in a sparing match. Later a woman joins him. I go to restroom. Then decide to change seats or leave. I go to front tables. Can’t find my pen. Go back to my original table. Then back to the front. Find pen on the floor. I bend over to pick up pen and simultaneously let guy know what I think of him. Walk up Ulloa. Think maybe exchange at Peet’s relates to my relationship with my father. And possibly the final football game in my Rosa Parks dream. Washington, D.C. representing the role of manly success as represented by this man at Peet’s (and by my father) and Miami representing play and fun and freedom from the manly success model as represented by this man (and my father). As I’m thinking this, guy on Ulloa smiles at me. #43 home.

November 12 dream:  Making big pot of stew. Ask someone to watch it for a while.

November 11, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 2:15 p.m. Walk out of apartment building. Guy with two big dogs says, “I like your pants.” (I was wearing my read Adidas pants.) He said it again. I said, “I like your dogs.” Go to eye appointment. Then Peet’s. Douglas there, but I barely notice him. Bruce there also. Stopped by to see Ladi at C.S. Reading Rom. His father is a C.S. Practitioner in Nigeria. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Meet beautiful homeless man named Christian. He and his wife and two dogs are on their way to Tucson. His name is Christian. I give him $10. #43 to W.F. Beautiful man passing. Checkout with Aisha. Insight: Realize Dallas is the first game from my Rosa Parks dream. Relates to my mother, who, like Kennedy was my “president” who got shot. My reaction was, to my mind at the time, both inhumane and inhuman, So I thought it was up to my father to make me feel humane and human. But that didn’t work out either. He took advantage of my vulnerability and ultimately admitted it. (*See 2nd dream of November 9.)

November 11 dream:  Play game with my new boyfriend where we end up hugging and feeling on each other. Have to rush to work. (h.o.)

November 11 dream:  Just got notice of apartment down the street in S.F. Friend thinks I may be being fooled by military.

November 11 dream:  Living in place and working at place with cockroaches and other insects. Look forward to moving.

November 11 dream:  Landslide in back of Saratoga house. House is lowered several feet. No one injured that I know of. Nancy and I and someone else go to backyard “beach house.” Black guy holds Nancy up so she can reach something. He apologizes for having to touch her. I fantasize about living there again, but don’t like the idea. Once was enough.

November 11 dream: Go to work. Calvin and others try to ignore me. I push back. Wake up with huge left leg cramp.

November 10, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Realize my 2nd dream of last nite relates to my decision to research public records of my father. My father was pissed off about that and almost kicked me out of my bed. But by telling me that it’s too late, he also inadvertently admitted that, though it’s too late (he died 25 years ago), there was something that happened that I’m too late to do anything about. Later fantasized about tearing John’s clothes off and fucking him. At C.B. get anonymous call from somebody who doesn’t say anything. I assume it’s John. I, too, say nothing for a while. Then I say, “I guess this is what they call phone sex.” Go to G.C.P. Run into Janet, the Coyote Lady. She says she saw a coyote earlier. Then run into Sean, my motorcycle friend on Amethyst Way. (*See diary of September 11.) He made a point of telling me he’s interested in hot women. We talked a bit about motorcycles, S.F., Japan. #48 to W.P. Pass Ladi still at C.S. Reading Room after 6 p.m. (*See diary of September 17.) K home. Stop by W.F. Bakery guy says hi to me. I didn’t know who he was at first. Check out with Killian. Very nice guy whose former boss moved to Santa Cruz.

November 10 dream:  Prepare fried eggs for Laurie? They slip off plate so have to start again.

November 10 dream:  Librarian’s wife was spied on in library. And they took things from her. Guy wanted to teach us how to crop poems.

November 10 dream:  Friend of mine starting his own online news program. He’ll supply his own news. Calvin stands in front of other guy starting his own business with the guy’s body half-painted in yellow paint.

November 10 dream:  Drive over to Oakland. Think of moving there. Black guy on street gives me seductive smile.

November 9, 2021:  Work on book. Reach end. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. Have two matcha lattes and two pieces of banana bread. San Benito house still on stilts. #43 home. Sit next to karate kid with glasses. (*See diary of October 26.) His mother gave up her seat for me. Go to W.F. Check out with Min. Happy, cute black and white young gay couple come bouncing in. Insight: Realize foot pain may be related to my own foundational change like the house on stilts is undergoing an analogous foundational change. Decide in p.m. to research my father’s public records to see if I can find anything incriminating.

November 9 dream:  Expand the trail of the ghost circling us so he could have a bigger circle.

November 9 dream:  Didn’t leave apartment soon enough. Somebody is kicking me out. My father? (*Relates to me looking in public records for info about my father.)

November 9 dream:  AOC wanting me to clean my room.

November 9 dream:  Heather wanting me to help start her long-haul semi. Her dachshunds are with her.

November 8, 2021:  Worked on book. Ricardo and Ken invite me to Thanksgiving. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Cute h.s. runners on Ocean, especially one who smiles at me. Very cute, apparently available youngish man on W.P. Go to Peet’s. Then walk and #23 up Monterey to Safeway. Then #43 home. Still thinking about youngish man on W.P. Blvd. Finally Thane, Liz Anderson, Billye Talmadge and others, including my mother, tell me what I should have done and how I should feel. I tell them all, including my mother, to shut up. “Don’t tell me how I should behave or how I should feel. Let me figure that out for myself.” (*Relates to second simultaneous football game in Washington, D.C. and Miami, Fl. Washington standing for authority and Miami standing for fun, I think. I think dealing with my father was the first game in Dallas from my Rosa Parks dream.)

November 8 dream:  Someone was going to buy a new bedspread for me. Someone else threatened my new room with ants.

November 8 dream:  Flying plane out of S.F. Get to South S.F. Then we’re on ground and outside. Guy with gun threatens me. I grab it away. And shoot it in the air to make sure it’s empty. Then he cries and asks for help. Later he’s dressed very nicely and acts like he’s a member of our household. Another member is being chased by somebody. I look into it. They rough him up. I hide but I can see them. They’re a couple of guys and an older woman.

November 8 dream:  Guys showing off their new outfits which were wrap around capes from the shoulders to the waist and pantaloons from the upper leg to the ankles, leaving the genitals and asses bare.

November 8 dream:  Getting off work. One of our peers is named Acting President. Guy talks about his home-made shirt. I thought of telling him about the capes from my last dream.

November 7, 2021:  Work on book and ZontaPhotos site. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Woman talks about seeing coyote. House on stilts is still on stilts, still getting a new foundation. Douglas at Peet’s. Also meet Erich, new baristo. We talk quite a it. He’s 21. Studying to be a nurse. Seemed interested in book I was reading: Cured. We shake hands on meeting. Walk up W.P. Boulevard. See K just outside W.P. station. Remember guy from hier asking, “Does this go to the Castro?” Decided that it was a message for me to to go the Castro. As I entered W.P. station, there was a “Special Car” waiting. As soon as I entered car, the door closed. Went to Castro. Went to 440 Club, J’s club. Bought cranberry juice. Was going to take a leak, but big fat black guy was kind of hogging the room. As I left, felt hopping happy. Take M home. Think maybe the fat guy was hiding John. That made me very sad. Then furious. (*Relates to feeling furious in my 1st dream of last night, I think. Also, to hawk and crows from hier?) Walk home from W.P.

November 7 dream:  Signing out at work. (h.o.)

November 7 dream:  Girl with blond hair told everybody she had green hair. She’s trying to figure out how she got here. I suggest Michael J. Fox. She says, “Too late.” We just met.

November 7 dream:  Arrive at home at 10:17. Just two months right before I’m supposed to perform.

November 7 dream:  Reunion with Jeff and Billy. Benson & Hedges cigarette is making people high. Jeff and Billy are mad at each other. We are all at Chinese resto in S.F.

November 6, 2021:  Self Observation group at 11 a.m. Five of us attended. I shared by “blind spot” that I think I’m better than everybody. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Nothing for me. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Go to Glen Park library. Nothing for me there either. Decide to change my default library to Glen Park online when I get home. Hawk and crows again on exiting G.C.P.  #48 to W.P. Rush to catch K. Woman has wagon full of kids in the middle of the sidewalk. Beautiful blond boy smiles at me with his eyes as I stare at him in anger. Get K home. Guy asks driver, “Does this go to the Castro?” Go to W.F. Talk briefly with good-looking young Japanese guy waiting for his girlfriend in the women’s room. He looks at me as if he’s hiding something. In p.m. give up on trying to “heal” my pain. So I say, “Okay, God, you handle this.” Then smelled a strong smell of shit (which may relate to rapper I accidentally encountered on my cellphone as I was turning it off for the night.)

November 6 dream:  Typing document. Someone takes it when I’m not looking. I’m furious. It starts out 51-1, 51-2, 51-3. HughJohn is not helping. I go to someone else.

November 6 dream:  Bathroom that was mess is almost clean. I go to find some people. Run into black guy who works with me. (h.o.) (*I think this relates to me working on my book.)

November 5, 2021:  Work on book. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s. (*See diary of October 14.) Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with Quincy, a black guy. Was going to ask him if he’s named after Quincy Jones. But my debit card wouldn’t work. Thought it was a sign that I shouldn’t. Then got mad at God, “You can tell me how to treat Quincy but you can’t help me with my body pains.” Later came up with this sense testimony: I am helpless against my own negative imagination. It’s like I have a psychological autoimmune disease which may be related to some of my physical autoimmune diseases like my body pains, etc. #43 home. I sit across from cute young brown guy on very crowded bus. He brushes his hand through his hair. I kind of show off for him as I exit the bus.

November 5 dream:  Getting off work at a place I’d been working in many dreams.

November 5 dream:  Baby is being christened. I show somebody how it happens. The baby is wrapped in cloth. When it is ready it starts to push the cloth away. The mother helps it and the baby emerges. The mother sees me do this. And so does the baby, whose eyes expand and contract.

November 5 dream:  Give $1 to young boy’s Chuck-E-Cheese campaign.

November 4, 2021:  Watch video about gay guy involved with Sesame Street and the ’70s N.Y. gay scene. Made me sad. Get anonymous call, I think, from John. Work on book. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Woman there thinks I’m hot. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. W.F. Hear “May 1st” on Sanford & Sons.

November 4 dream:  Election taking place. Captain Berthaud-type (from Spiral TV show). Surprise announcement.

November 4 dream:  Ben G. is crawling behind me as we crawl over lots of cute puppies and their meals in shopping mall. We’re headed for the West Coast. Jon Stewart is speaking. $8,000 to go to the East Coast.

November 3, 2021:  Get up early without intending to. Work on book. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Read from Cured. Hot, tall, Asian guy comes in. I want to connect with him. So I go to bathroom, just to get up. He looks like he is about to leave. I stay ’til he does. And I watch him walk out. Get call from John, I think. (*Relates to hawk and crows from hier?) Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Stop at McD’s. Hispanic counter lady asks me, “How are you doing?” It shocks me. I say, “Fine.” See image of person in elevator on going home.

November 2, 2021:  Work on online diary, being 4 days behind. Forgot that I put my phone on speaker and put it up to me ear. (*Relates to almost crashing on October 23, returning my rental car?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Go to C.B. Then Glen Park library. Check out coming of age/coming out video. Clerk then recommends another video to me. I think we made a love connection. I think I’ll change libraries from Excelsior to Glen Park. Walk thru G.C.P. On exiting, see hawk, then dozens and dozens and dozens of crows flocking around. Go to CVS. #43 home. One guy laying on the sidewalk on his back. Bus driver indicates to me that he is sleeping. Other guy getting up from sidewalk being helped by passer-by.

November 2 dream:  Trying to help retrieve blind man’s book stand which is under a sidewalk cellar hatchway door.

November 2 dream:  Woman brings reptiles and lays them out on the ground. There are so many that there’s no room to walk or sit.

November 1, 2021:  Do bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. House I saw yesterday on stilts is now back on its new foundation. Go to Peet’s. Patron takes somebody’s personal papers which had been left behind on seat next to him. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with Ryan. He’s wearing black jacket with American flags on the sleeves. I tell him he looks like a policeman. He says, “Yeah, somebody else told me that earlier.” Get him to smile. “Sir Allen” nearby witnessing us. In p.m., I RHS God for my physical pains. Later think it might be John that is causing them. Get excited about that idea. Have trouble getting to sleep that night.

November 1 dream:  Ride thru town with others. Forgot my mask and my wallet. Barbara Baroe-like woman and Calvin there. Barbara wants me to stay outside all night with her. Go to line up somewhere. Use scarf as mask.

October 31, 2021:  Sarah calls. Work on book. Call John at number I discovered online. Leave message. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. See house on stilts. Man says they are creating a new foundation. Realize my “blind spot” (from Red Hawk’s Self Observation book) is that I think I’m better than everybody else. Lots of kids out “trick or treating” the stores at W.P. Douglas at W.P. Leave early. Take K to Castro. Not much going on yet but lots of police ready for action. Talk to bookstore owner. Take K home. Go to W.F. Talk to bakery guy. Check out with Min.

October 31 dream:  Having a Translation workshop without a leader. Lots of new students.

October 31 dream:  Drive fast up 45 degree bridge. Car flies off the road. Arrive at meeting. We are now a COF! Whatever that is.

October 31 dream:  Pass by Thane in the hallway. He’s wearing a blue sport coat. I think, “He looks just like a regular person.”

October 30, 2021:  Tough nite last nite. Slept part of it on cot in bathroom. World Work Translation Group at 9:45 a.m. Self Observation group at 11 a.m. Nap. In ’til 4:30 p.m. Walk to W.P. Ramon, Douglass and Eduardo at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa. #43 never shows up. Walk home. W.F. Get feeling to wait. I think maybe I’m waiting for young woman approaching me. Turns out I’m waiting for little girl who looks at me intently.

October 30 dream:  Something about lots of “do’s.”

October 30 dream:  A cute guy in line in prison in front of me asks me for a light. I say I don’t smoke. He says a lot of guys carry lights anyhow. For him I will.

October 30 dream:  Roseanne Barr has trouble with her pregnancy. When she calls, a man answer the phone. So she sets the building on fire. I say, “Well, I can understand that.” I go into work late at newspaper. It seems okay, though. Run in to Bernie Sanders in the hallway.

October 30 dream:  Something about John F.

October 29, 2021:  Worked on book. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Cute little Japanese boy looks at me. Insight 1: Realize I have an inappropriate emotion of fear from my noisy neighbors above me. The underlying emotion is anger. Insight 2: Realize my dream of years ago of Thane holding up his arms to tell me to stop may have related to my internet going out on October 24 so I could not attend The Prosperos trustee’s meeting.

October 29 dream:  Hear people outside my apartment. Someone says there’s going to be a fly-over for the people killed. Other woman there to fix my mechanical spider.

October 29 dream:  Guy we’re meeting with at a café wants to meet at another café in Paris.

October 29 dream:  Biden tells me my father appointed him to do something during the war. Later, guy says to me, “Now that you’re the androgynous son of the president, why don’t you go to café?” I say, “I’ve never thought of myself as the son of a president.”

October 29 dream:  Have to make sudden escape from the building. Someone has just come to text. Alarm is ringing.

October 28, 2021:  Work on book in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Cute guy comes in. Looks sort of like Tony from hier so I go up to check him out. Other guy starts talking to him. I sit down. It’s not Tony. Walk up Portola to burrito place. Anglo couple speaking Spanish cut in front of me. Makes me mad. Take #43 home. Get off bus to look at cyclist passing by. On next #43 run into Peter. We walk to W.F. together. Decide I’m not going to apply for 1-bedroom apartment in Sonoma. I want to stay in S.F. a while longer.

October 27, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Beautiful day. Walk to W.P. See Tony as I leave Peet’s. (*See diary of August 26.) He said he just got a new puppy named Banjo and he was waiting to meet his parents. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with Ryan. (*See diary of October 20.) Insight: Me fantasizing about what I would have said at the family reunion on October 23: “Our family was not like yours. Ours was a lie. Harriet was not a good mother. Obe was not a good father. They were more concerned about seeming like a happy family than being a happy family.” Then I talked to my father: “No, I don’t want to hit you. To hit you I’d have to love you and I don’t love you that much.” So I’m more like my parents than I thought.

October 27 dream:  Insistent hard-on dream.

October 27 dream:  Trying to take shower without light or towel or shampoo. I had been at this place before. Other men waiting in line.

October 26, 2021:  After 3 days, internet back up at about 11:45 a.m. Lots of catching up to do on my emails and my websites. In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to Excelsior. See “The game is over” on sidewalk. Then guy on Mission invites me to pet his nice python wrapped around his arms and torso. I do. Then library. Then G.P. Have about 20 minutes at C.B. before they close. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 home. Smile at cute little karate kid with glasses. Meet Killian at W.F.

October 26 dream:  Young frisky guy with nice body in suit without jacket climbs all over me. (h.o.)

October 26 dream:  Dream book The Spirituality of Joy and Transcendence at spiritual camp.

October 26 dream:  Marilyn Deurell tells me someone just asked her out on a date. I say, “Yeah, I need to ask someone out on a date as well.”

October 25, 2021:  Internet still down. Worked on book in a.m. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then up Monterey to Safeway. Meet Nicholas, new checkout guy, on way out. Walk home. Work more on book. Get to page 119 (out of 322). Hear “May 1st” on DVD. Beautiful day today.

October 25 dream:  Giant swimming pool with clear water and lanes, a little used. Big guy complaining that his wife (Cathy Tackaberry) came up and told him not to stand with his legs so spread apart.

October 25 dream:  Volunteer to help deal with the homeless, provide them food, etc.

October 25 dream:  Attend conference mid-Peninsula with Bob Meslinsky and others. They had to pay $250. I paid $40. Couldn’t find a way back home, though.

October 24, 2021:  Tough nite sleeping. Get up early. Turned on internet. It worked. Then it didn’t. For the rest of the day. Walk to W.P. It’s too rainy and windy to walk. Take K to W.P. station. Go to Peet’s. Douglas there. Try to take K home. Get caught in wind and rain again. Take K to W.P. station so I can wait without the wind and rain. Get home. Internet still down. Read more Feet of Clay. Got email saying internet may be down ’til Tuesday.

October 24 dream:  Someone starts the stadium on fire in front of everyone in order to clear it.

October 24 dream:  Working as an aide for the … Director says sometimes we’ll be asked to sit in the front but that’s high ranking defense aides. Like last week. It would be pretty odd to have a comedian (referring to me) in that position. Director says, “Sorry I’m late. I just got back from a date.” Really cute blond young guy sitting in front.

October 24 dream:  Helping Marcie Nelson move out of her senior gay apartment. I’m going to apply for it along with the two others I’ve applied for. (*Relates to getting letter from MedPen Housing on October 27?)

October 23, 2021:  Just as I’m about to leave for Santa Cruz, my internet goes down and I can’t get it back up. Pick up car at 11 a.m. Drive to Santa Cruz. Stop by downtown briefly. Cute guy smiles at me at co-op food store. Lots of people out. Drive out to Soquel. I’m a little late. Saw Nancy, Laurie, Homer, Leigh, Jeff, Billie, Paul. Robin and many whose names I don’t remember. But was a good time. Nice connection with Max’s sister, Billie’s daughter. Drive home. Get lost in the dark and rain in Santa Cruz. Almost had accident at Bush and Mason just before I returned the car. Walked by J’s place on Geary. His plants are gone. That probably means he’s gone, too. Take #49 home. Get off in rain in search of burrito. Can’t find one. Get back on #49 without having to wait a minute. When I get home, my internet is back up (briefly).

October 23 dream:  Woman very seriously tells me fellow told her that he met another fellow with my husband.

October 22, 2021:  1 p.m. appointment at 1 Haight Street. Looked at studio apartment. Nice view but only 346 square feet and no closets!!! They showed me a 2-bedroom on the 2nd floor which had two bathrooms and no microwave oven. Walked back via Castro. Passed J’s bar. Took K to W.P. Walked home from there. Then W.F. See Min after I check out so I go back and stand in line to buy one item from him. Later cute guy in T-shirt at W.F workers’ rest area. Did empty chair with my mother in p.m. She told me I was taking credit for something I didn’t do – her death. “You can’t even express your anger at me openly,” she said.

October 22 dream:  Thane arrives home. Asks for Tommy. Thane says he has to call out the rube(?) who advocated for murder.

October 22 dream:  On cliff with two other guys. I didn’t know how I was going to get down but I had done so before.

October 21, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Road rage incident on San Benito Way. Douglas at Peet’s W.P. Also meet 65-year-old Bruce who talks about inspiring the youth of today. On leaving I speak briefly with Douglas while his female co-worker tries to interrupt. Walk up Ulloa to Creighton’s bakery. Then #43 home. Then W.F. Then home. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: “The only democracy is the power of Truth personified, Truth informed, sinless, guiltless, regret-less.”

October 21 dream:  Guy wanting me to take his side of the conflict between him and slightly autistic guy.

October 21 dream:  Wanting real estate lady to make an effort to get me on board. (*Relates to looking at apartment at 1 Haight Street on October 22, I think.)

October 20, 2021:  In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. See “GIANT” on the way there. After, walk up Ulloa. Go to M.S. Get lost between two checkout lines. Make face of confusion. Young Asian checker I had seen before rushed to open his checkout stand for me. Made me happy. (*Relates to hawk from October 18?) #43 home. See Isaiah at W.F. Ask him if he’s going trick or treating. He says he used to trick or treat in W.P. I say, “That’s a nice neighborhood for treats.” He agrees.

October 20 dream:  Linda from TRI is our supervisor. She’s going on trip to New York. I can’t get the light switch to work. Then see that there are two light switches. The light eventually comes on.

October 19, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. He says, “You changed your drink from coffee frappé with light whip.” I say, “Yeah, it was too sugary.” I pause, then say, “But the matcha is good. It’s not so healthy that you can’t stand it.” (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Walk up Ulloa to #43 home.

October 19 dream:  Many people in the room. I’m looking thru magazines to pick photos I want to jerk off to. Get one of Jan Michael Vincent. Also an audio of his voice giving a talk.

October 19 dream:  Try to buy house at Mission and Cortland for $51,000. It has three stores, three flats. Can’t get neighbors to shut up. I try kissing him.

October 19 dream:  The table is set for our last celebratory meal. Someone said we don’t need a … and my plate and Tom O’s and a few others were taken away.

October 18, 2021:  Go to VA for 1 p.m. appointment with podiatrist. Hot guy in red pants on my way in. I was waiting for him to walk towards me. He didn’t. Relates to Dr. Matthew Ma, my podiatrist, also beautiful, also did not walk towards me. After, hawk circles me at VA. Walk to 9th & Irving. Take N to Peet’s Cole Valley. Read more from Feed of Clay. Buy Vietnamese sandwich from cute guy with Afro on Cole Street. Then #43 home. It’s really crowded. There’s a really beautiful young Asian man. I lock to get a seat in the back so I can get a good view of him. But I took the vacant seat right next to him. When he looked at me, I looked away with mock innocence like I was totally not interested in him. He got off a few stops later.

October 18 dream:  Fireman/lawyer helps me put my radio back together. Says we may find out things about ourselves.

October 18 dream:  We’re talking about how if you take the football program out of the university program, the university would become a spiritual retreat at OSU. Suddenly Cenk Ugur fires a gun seven times in the direction of the football stadium. An off-duty policeman comes around very casually talking about where the bullets came from.

October 17, 2021:  Attended Sunday Meeting with Hugh John in a.m. About 10 in attendance. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Also cute guy who sat next to me. I didn’t know how to approach him since he seemed doubled over texting and looking at his cellphone. So I took my own earplugs out. It was the least I could do. He left shortly after. I’m reading great book called Feet of Clay. It’s very critical of Gurdjieff, Jung, Freud and others. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Jun at work in his salon. Walk home. Later go to W.F. to get something I forgot to buy at Safeway. I check out with Min. My bill came to $10 even. I said, “Do I get a special prize?” Min said, “No.” Watch YT on PK (psychokinesis). Guest says, “Thoughts can kill.” Realized my thoughts about my mother may have killed her. Not that I intentionally set out to kill her, but I was so mad at her that I was willing to take credit for her death, saying, in effect, “See, that’s what happens when you mess with me!” Also, think that’s why I had to choose an equally pitiless guy like John to partner me in our journey of mutual self-uncovery.

October 17 dream:  Having changed my body have given me detailed instructions on what to say and how to say it. They have been very kind to me. (h.o.)

October 17 dream:  Five attributes of a chela: 1) Plan 2) Pay 3) Aim

October 17 dream:  I am in my very nice apartment. Young super comes to my door. I wanted to ask him to do something but he was gone. Tried to turn on the light. Couldn’t, though the stereo was on. Looked out my window at many, many windows of people happy, celebrating, well-dressed. Some wave at me. I wave back. It felt like the room was spinning.

October 16, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee at liquor store. Then Daniel at C.B. Also very hot guy who I sat behind. And whom I admired when he left. Walk thru G.C.P. Then #43 home.

October 16 dream:  In the Navy, a couple of guys charged me with sexual harassment to get even with me for charging them.

October 15, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. My phone breaks. Later I reboot it and it seems okay now. Think about attending presentation tomorrow about the Balboa Reservoir housing project nearby. Have wonderful feeling of “being myself.” Walk to W.P. Pass Ladi at C.S. Reading Room. Go to Peet’s. Eduardo there. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. Stop by W.F. Check out with pretty girl who seems to flirt with me. Our fingers touch as she gives me my receipt. Watched Coach Carter in p.m. Somebody in the movie holds up sign saying “RHS,” standing for Richmond High School, but also “Releasing the Hidden Splendour”.

October 15 dream:  Move to the South. See beautiful man outside my window helping someone move. Decide to move closer to the window. See his four co-workers. Realize it’s a dream and wake up.

October 15 dream:  Mitch’s cattle hear a coming stampede and get spooked.

October 15 dream:  Finish up some legal interrogatories. Now I have to mail it. I ask what I should put on the address. Woman supervisor says, “Just say ‘Response to Interrogatories’.” I walk across shallow water in N.Y harbor looking for mailbox. Pretty girl is doing a photo shoot in front of the mailbox. Then she’s not. She smiles at me sarcastically. It looks like she has some missing teeth. I tell her so. Realize I’ve forgotten to label the envelope so I have to go back across the water. It’s deeper where I am than it was before.

October 14, 2021:  Wake up at 4:30ish in the a.m. Can’t get back to sleep. Then hear call (with my phone turned off) around 7:30 or so. I’m too late to answer, but I call back one minute later. Nobody there so I leave message. Insight 1: My feeling of loss of my therapist and of my father also relates to God. Insight 2: We are so susceptible to monarchies ’cause we want to worship ourselves but just don’t have the guts. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Woman sitting outside Java Hut café on Ocean gives me the eye. (I’m wearing my red pants, after all.) Walk to W.P. Meet Sergio at Peet’s. He gets very excited meeting me. (*Relates to shits from two days ago at about the same time?) Douglas also there. FroYo place afterwards. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home.

October 14 dream:  Playing cards in familiar underground setting. Al H. playing without an Admiral card.

October 14 dream:  Getting arrested for having sex before I’m 21. I’m taking towels to washing machine while I await other person’s arrest. The crowd feels a little triumphant.

October 14 dream:  Get in argument with big fat black lady whose dress is falling off. I win. Cindy Granieri comes up to our table. We’re at some kind of political demonstration.

October 13, 2021:  Get call for John. I say, “If you want to speak to John, let me get him. He’s in the bathroom.” In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas (or Damon) at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Allen there. Spill bottle of vinegar and it brakes. Check out with Ed. #43 home. Go to W.F. for bananas. Talk with tall, long-haired vegetable guy i’d talked to before.

October 13 dream:  American is trapped. Britain wants to incriminate him. We want to hear him out.

October 13 dream:  At party they want us out for the next group of student graduates.

October 12, 2021:  Get up late. In ’til 4:30ish. Shits on leaving home. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. As I’m leaving, young guy coming out of the restroom looks intently at my T-shirt. Later I realized he was interested in me, not my T-shirt. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home.

October 12 dream:  Talking about his fellow worker, he says, “He’s good-looking but he’s a terrible cook.”

October 12 dream:  People flying in the sky with wings. Some don’t believe it. Some think it’s just a show. It is a show and final couple (a junior stalking his senior?) lands on the street to much applause. The art department of the local newspaper goes for a drink. Christian Science reading room nearby.

October 12 dream:  Have lunch with Jennifer Anniston.

October 11, 2021:  Get call around 6:30 a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Read more about “narcissistic rage.” Could my narcissistic rage be connected to my feelings of grandiosity? Friendly English guy there. After, little boy smiles insistently at me with his eyes as I walk around him in store. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. Stop at W.F. Check out girl really slow. I get mad, but was able to remember to self observe and not get either carried away or too judgment of myself.

October 11 dream:  Guy at work I really like. Most of us go off with our bikes. He does, too,. Then goes in a different direction, carrying a document to mail.

October 11 dream:  Follow our leader into large underground place. He’s much faster than we are. I try not to fall down steep cliff. Find handle to chair which moves me down. They are serving food though I’m not hungry.

October 10, 2021:  Get call around 6:30 a.m. Insight: Since John and I are so connected, what if the “narcissistic rage” (see diary of October 9) is not mine but his? In ’til 4ish. Walk to G.P. Knee goes out near Lee Avenue. Then see cute Asian guy from behind. I turn around after I pass him and he pretends to be looking at something else. Then my knee gets better On to G.P. Owners at C.B. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Pass Jun’s salon. He’s working and facing the other way. Shop at Safeway. Super hot guy ahead of me in line. His sole item was a big carton of chocolate ice cream. Fantasize about taking his clothes off. Makes me hot. Later on walk home, think about my photographs and how great they are. Think that someday I’ll be recognized as a great photographer. Then realize how big a pattern this has been in my life. Assuming I’ll be famous and important one day for whatever reason.

October 10 dream:  Stages of self-awareness getting in the way.

October 10 dream:  Pelosi has lots of congressional districts.

October 10 dream:  Woman doing back arches. Me thinking I’d like to do that when nobody is around.

October 9, 2021:  Translation group at 9:45 a.m. Self Observation group at 11 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then C.B. Owner’s son smiles at me with his eyes. Read in Mindbody that pain is caused by “narcissistic rage” and that in order to heal ourselves we don’t even need to feel that rage, just realize that the body, through pain, is trying to protect us from feeling it. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 home. In p.m. learn that trans people have more body pain than others.

October 9 dream:  I’m part of a cool London rock band. Things aren’t working out in London. I joke, “I hear things are very nice in Vallejo.”

October 9 dream:  Lion escapes. It was my job to rein him in.

October 9 dream:  Sudden rash on my right arm. Doc says it was psoriasis. He gave me some cream. It seemed to clear up. He said I told him I was going to the Mexican border. I said, “I’m going to Mexico on Friday at 11:30.”

October 8, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Listen to lots of “Wisdom of Trauma” videos. Walk to W.P. Run into Shrey. Talk with Ananh at Ingleside Gallery. Get photo back which didn’t sell after all. Walk to W.P. Bump into school kid and vice versa. At Portola and Santa Ana, other school kid runs up to me and kind of smiles. Go to Peet’s. Young woman in “boys’ jeans” there. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Talk with my Hemingway friend. Other young woman gives me her seat. Talk briefly with “crazy” guy as I exit bus. Insight: “I am God.” Is that what my body is trying to save me from having to admit?

October 8 dream:  Girl gets new Asian guy something to eat and invites him to her alcove. I rush to meet him. He’s sitting on the floor eating. I ask if I can try some. He offers me some. He says, “It’s the spirit of ….” I say, “It’s pretty good.”

October 8 dream:  John and I on same rail car we had been on before. We are both separately washing our hands and face after some event. Others there. He pretends he doesn’t notice me and and vice versa. He has a big square ring on his right ring finger. (*Relates to somebody reading my online “Diary” on October 9?)

October 7, 2021:  Insight: Thane’s comment on the movie Ordinary People: How many have seen it twice or more? Relates to me being stronger than my brother when my mother was shot in front of us just like Conrad was stronger than his brother Buckie. And can I live with that? In ’til 3:30ish. Try to take photo on way out. My camera doesn’t work! I panic. Go back. Get my good camera. Can’t get it to work either. Go back a second time to get good camera instruction book. Notice my little camera memory stick is till being charged. So take both cameras with me. Walk to W.P. Cute teenager with lime green shorts smiles at me as I check him out. Walk to Peet’s W.P. After, get $5.78 frozen yogurt ’cause I liked the look of the young man selling it. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. W.F. Check out with Min. He’s not interested in connecting with me. As I walk out, I think, “I may not have a relationship like my therapist does, but I connect with many people in my life. As I think this, catch approving glance of beautiful young black security guard. I say, under my breath, “Thanks.”

October 7 dream:  Laughing and pretending to be scared over fruit crumble choice. “Hey,” I said. “I did that last weekend.” (h.o.)

October 7 dream:  About 20 feet off the ground. Can’t take off ’til it gets a little cooler (or warmer?). Someone takes us to elevated railroad car as we wait.

October 7 dream:  Interviewing a bunch of people are who behind bars.

October 6, 2021:  One Haight BMR requests transcripts from the IRS proving that I submitted 1040s in 2019 and 2020. In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with Allen. He’s speaking to me, but barely. #43 home. Insight: Realize my body pain may be a self-punishment for my reaction to my mother’s death. Trying to steal her moment, her fame (if you will) and make it my own. Then realized my anger at her for exposing my pettiness, my egocentricity and confirming that she is/was indeed a better person than I was. And therefore she won the ongoing psychological argument I was having with her at the time of her death.

October 6 dream:  Several brief hard-ons.

October 6 dream:  Walking in the rain. Take off my boots and put on different shoes. Harriet and Obe there. The crotch in my pants was open.

October 5, 2021:  Cancelled my therapy sessions. Felt sad about it. Walk to Excelsior library. Seagull, then crow, then hawk flies toward me and lands on light pole just ahead of me. I get out my camera to take a photo. Bird flies off to other light pole. (*Relates to me returning phone call to timeshare company and leaving message as John Pinkerton on October 6, I think.) Excelsior library. G.P. C.G. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 home. Watch Wisdom of Trauma (twice).

October 5 dream:  Was waiting with friend for some people to finish eating so we could eat. Thane was with us. He teeth were yellow. He mentioned the time I licked Tom C’s butt. I said, “I didn’t lick it. I kissed it.” He said it was a snarky thing to do. I said, “No, it wasn’t.” He said he should share all the reactions he gets from others so everybody would know what people are thinking. That sounded like a horrible idea to me.

October 5 dream:  Try to check out book which I’m holding before the bus gets here. The movement of the library pushed me into the librarian who previously had her shirt off and had a male chest. She said the word for “more” was “manure.” Then she started flirting with me. There was another guy in the library as well.

October 4, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Therapy appointment at 12:30 p.m. Had to wait for prior patient to finish. Walk home via Market. Stop at Blick’s to buy three new photo frames. Stop by W.F. at Market & Dolores. Talk with beautiful, friendly young security guard I’d talked with last time. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Go to Starbucks 18th Street. Leave post-it note for John H. on their community post-it board. Pass by 440 Club. Have pizza slice at Marcello’s. It was wonderful. Take K to W.P. Check out price for blue Buddha for Ricardo. Walk home. Insight 1: My therapist is someone I don’t respect yet I want his approval. Just like my father. Insight 2: On hearing of my father’s remarrying, it wasn’t that I wanted to go back to being a normal boy. I wanted to go back to pretending to being a normal boy. That’s why I still needed my father’s approval. He would be my cover.

October 4 dream:  After many false starts, guy sitting in seat in front of me points me out. I get awarded best actor award for my work as a prisoner named Rockford, who is also there. My name is Michael Strawberry.

October 4 dream:  I’m a police officer talking about old days vs. new days. Also importance of egg salad.

October 4 dream:  Trump renominated and will almost certainly win.

October 4 dream:  Me and my 7 or 12 mostly black friends are entering big auditorium of about 100,000 for special meeting.

October 3, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Walk behind two young gay Latinos who both look back at different times. Owners at C.B. Daniel not there. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Walk past Jun’s salon. He’s sitting behind his counter. Walk home. Hawk at CCSF parking lot. Go to Ingleside Gallery closing party. Two out of my three photos sold!!! Met 30ish guy with big belly and his cute young 20ish boyfriend. Had intense exchange with 30ish guy as I left (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.)

October 3 dream:  Trying to explain my dream about Buffalo to people in other cities.

October 2, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Mislaid disc 1 of 2-disc set. Guy was very sweet about it. Made other guy jealous, I think. Walked to G.P. Lee at G.P. Went to C.B. Read in The Mindbody Prescription that TMS causes tingling. Made me feel good. Shits at G.C.P. Then walked thru G.C.P. Hear woman say she wanted something “uplifting.” Guy with T-shirt saying “Beyond28.” Really long white limo backs up in front of me, on its way to top of T.P. Realize only reason I want memory of my father’s sexual abuse of me is so I can get back at him, get even with him. And maybe that’s why I’ve been unable to retrieve a specific memory of it. #43 home. Take shower. Go to Ingleside Gallery. Say hello to Shrey and his friends. Feel real moment of love for Shrey. He likes my red pants. I tell him I’ll see him tomorrow at the closing party. Run into Min at W.F. Not so excited about him today.

October 2 dream:  Loading all the laundry of this guy from months ago into new bags.

October 2 dream:  Some people running for V.P. (*Relates to meeting Shrey, I think.)

October 1, 2021:  Bills. Monthly BB. Guy scam calls me trying to get my Social Security number. He starts to threaten me when I don’t comply. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Ingleside Gallery. See Shrey. Walk on to Peet’s W.P. Damon there. Have unsweetened matcha. Walk back. See Shrey again. We fist bump.

October 1 dream:  Riding into pier designed by fellow traveler.

October 1 dream:  2 rows of balconies in a class. I say, “I hope somebody takes a picture of this.” Then everyone leaves on break. They are dancing in the mall. I yell out, “We’re got one more lesson.” It’s called “Ocean.” Some try to bring in old white horse backwards. He doesn’t like that. Guy who said he had to go showed up.

September 30, 2021:  In ’til 3:30. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. Walk back home via Monterey. Take my three framed photos to Ingleside Gallery and Shrey hangs them up. Show is Friday night, Saturday and Sunday. Go to W.F. Meet Gabe, new checkout guy.

September 30 dream:  Guy says I should look for somebody, you know, my own age.

September 30 dream:  Fooling around with woman from the office.

September 30 dream:  Thane invites me over for meal. He is cooking behind big pole. I am near head of table in casual clothes. Tom C. there, too. Thane’s fixing pancakes in case his other meal doesn’t work out.

September 29, 2021: Got three photos printed out and framed for this weekend’s art show. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Unfriendly librarian. Go to G.P. Follow young boy who swiveled his hips in front of Cuppa. Go to C.B. Unfriendly barista. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. “Sir Allen” still turning his back to me. #43 home.

September 29 dream:  Tell Rachel Maddow and other women, “If there’s anything I can do to help.” She shows me how to unwrap parcels without tearing the wrapping.

September 28, 2021:  In ’til 11:30. Go to VA to get new shoes and give blood. After, go to Simple Pleasures Café and get totally ignored for minutes on end by cute blond guy with nice ass. So after mutually glaring at each other, I leave. Walk thru G.G. Park. Beautiful day. Go thru arboretum. Young woman at ticket booth smiles excitedly at me. Take photo of unafraid duck. I tell guy on bench, “I guess they’re expecting food.” He says, “They’ve gotten used to humans.” I pause. Then say, “Now if only I could get used to humans.” Handsome man sitting under tree smiles at me on my way out. Run into long-haired, gray-haired man outside. Realize it’s Fred Cline. Decide not to approach him. Go to Arizmendi. Then take N to Cole Valley. Significant eye contact with blue-eyed toddler on N. He seemed wise and happy and akin to me. Stop at Peet’s. Then buy three photo frames. #37 to Castro. Pop into 440 Club. #35 to G.P. BART to Balboa Station. #8 home. Stop at W.F. Check out with Min (see diary of September 24). Am overcome with love for him. Almost forget my debit card.

September 28 dream:  Big excavation or swimming pool project. I kept backing away so as not to slip into hole. Run into Leigh B. My shirt is off. My belly button is like a small penis. Leigh is glad to see me.

September 28 dream:  Learning about PBR (Post British Rule?) The Flight of the … Brigade. It was also something to eat.

September 28 dream:  Handsome tall, blond guy being pantsed. He has no genitals. He’s still cute, though.

September 27, 2021:  Therapy appointment 12:30. Kind of disappointing. Walk to Castro after. P.O. Plus. Starbucks 18th Street. Pop into 440 Club. Take K to W.P. Stop by Peet’s. Take K to Ocean. Then walk home.

September 27 dream:  Big conference somewhere directed by guy from London. I’d like to get up but I have no pants on.

September 27 dream:  I can move into Trinity Place whenever I want. The apartment is waiting for me.

September 27 dream:  Go with Michael J. Fox to visit building we used to hang out in. Guy there talking about Cogito Ergo Sum.

September 27 dream:  Get last seat in class on Native American lore. Later taking shower in bathroom stall with two women classmates in adjoining stalls.

September 26, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Walk to Safeway. Patrick there. Walk home. Slip and fall on Gennessee while stopping to take photo. Watch The Shawshank Redemption in p.m. ’cause it’s supposed to be a really important movie in the mind-body healing community. The main character’s name is Andrew Dufrene. My therapist’s name is Dufrene, but he goes by Troy, although his first name is Andrew, I found out on September 27. So I thought this was a synchronistic moment. In fact, I jumped out of my seat!

September 26 dream:  Being in interview skit with 4 or 5 others. They were from local area.

September 26 dream:  Talking about investments right before talk on investments.

September 25, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Go to C.B. Daniel there. To discourage misuse, the bathroom has a sign on it saying “Out of Order,” even though it is not out of order. Today it actually was out of order. A self-fulfilling prophesy, Daniel and I both agree. Walking out onto Diamond Street, I walk behind interesting young Asian man with pink hair. Have significant moment with him as he enters liquor store and I head up to G.C.P. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 not coming so I take #48 to W.P. Then K home. Watch young Asian guy exit at Miramar and enter an art gallery which I’d never seen before. So I get off at next exit and walk back to gallery. Meet and talk with Shrey about his art. He lives in building across from me in same complex. He invited me to submit three of my photos for his next show. Write “Pandemic leads to Pandemonium” for BB in p.m. (*Relates to “3 week” from April 6 and diary of September 4?)

September 25 dream:  I say hello to Cathy W. at work. She says, “Last time you didn’t even speak to me.” I say, Well, I was working. That’s what we do here.” She says, “I don’t know what you expect us to be.”

September 25 dream:  Young boy being sweet with me at S.F. fair grounds. He went swimming and says the water was dirty. Password to get in: “infinitegest.”

September 24, 2021:  In ’til noon. Take #43 to 800 Presidio apartments. They were almost as nice as my current apartment and only $250 more per month. Walk to Castro. Stop at Starbucks 18th Street, sitting at outside table. Walk up Castro. Have to go to bathroom. Go into 440 Club to buy cranberry juice and take a pee. I only took a few sips of the drink. It was really delicious. (*Relates to 3rd dream of September 23, I think.) Walk up Market. See cute young guy at Market and Portola who I follow to Laguna Honda Blvd. I think he’s headed one way or the other. Then realize he’s waiting for me to make my move. When I don’t, he heads back up Portola. #43 home. Me feeling petty with school girl who grabbed the seat I wanted. Check out with “Min” at W.F. I say, “Is it raining Min?” He says, “What?” I say, “Is it raining Min?” He says, “Yes” and turns around and laughs.

September 24 dream:  Have cold drink with quiet woman. I ask her if she ever drinks ice tea. “Sure,” she says.

September 24 dream:  Get on bus with people going to Rose Bowl, just to say hello. The bus won’t stop. Then it makes last stop in S.F. and several of us get off and walk back to original S.F. station.

September 24 dream:  Cleaning up the house. Getting ready for event at 2 p.m. Walk in the park in town. Woman of the house is calm. Her brother is upstairs in bath. When I came up. He gets out with only wet PJ bottoms on. He smiles at me and goes downstairs.

September 23, 2021:  Call for John Pinkerton makes me laugh. In ’til 3:30ish. Go to Peet’s W.P. Douglas there. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. “Sir Allen” trying to ignore me. #43 home. Talk with Peter on bus and on way home. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: “Love is pandemic.” As opposed to the sense testimony: We all are terrified of the demons within our own psyches.

September 23 dream:  Six or so of us. Some take down names so we can remember what group each person is in. Some kind of musical or artistic venture.

September 23 dream:  I defend Michael Williams, a black man with fly larva in his pants. I’m wearing his pants without the fly larva.

September 23 dream:  Flying in plane. Pilot says we’re going to swerve and bomb now. And we shoot out a bomb. Then I’m on the ground with older woman. I say, “Are we shoot a bomb?” Lots of boys and men in black swim suits wrestling. I’m 5 minutes late for 4 p.m. appointment.

September 22, 2021:  Woke up last night breathless. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Have shits at Peet’s. Nice moment with Douglas on leaving. Walk up Ulloa. Just catch #43. Peter on board. Meet guy reading The Night Battles by Carlo Ginzburg. Walk home with Peter. He tells me there was a fire at G.C.P. on Monday or so.

September 22 dream:  About to give class without charging fee. I point out the many reasons a fee should be charged.

September 22 dream:  Visit foreign island city. See guy I knew from S.F. We arm wrestle. I think I win.

September 21, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. After, pick up Mindbody Prescription outside of Canyon Market. It feels like the Universe is telling me that the pains I’m feeling are mind-caused rather than body-caused. Makes me happy. Walk to G.C.P. As I jaywalk across Diamond Heights Boulevard, I’m fantasizing about John visiting me at my new apartment on Haight Street. Woman driving by yells, “Bad idea!” Two hawks circling each other at apex of G.C.P. #43 home. Run into my literary friend who’s reading Hemingway’s To Have and Have Not.

September 21 dream:  Looking for jeans for my sister Laurie so she can be more relaxed in class we are all taking. (h.o.)

September 21 dream:  Renting two rooms at cheap hotel I stayed in before. No cockroaches this time. I rent out second room for some other people, but forgot. Thought of just renting out one room ’til I remembered. Some other guests don’t like me. (h.o.)

September 21 dream:  Guy acting out now ’cause nobody thought he had any acting talent in college.

September 21 dream:  Dog doing tricks.

September 21 dream:  Two people have two companies.

September 21 dream:  I was getting in argument with doctor about Christian Science. Girl accuses me of kicking her without apologizing.

September 20, 2021:  Reviewing what happened with Jun hier: He asked me, “You have a lot of friends, don’t you?” I say, “I have enough.” But I think he narrowed in on a sore spot. I look up the word “friend” and it leads to “love.” In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Peet’s W.P. Listen to YT about family systems. Suddenly realize why I feel so unlovable: because I was relying on the judgment of Obe and Harriet, my father and step-mother, to tell me whether I was lovable or not. Shoot up from my table. Leave the café. Thought of taking train to Castro, just two stops away, to share my excitement. Walk up Ulloa to #43 which arrived immediately. Shits on arriving home.

September 20 dream:  ETDEC_ _ _ _ _ _ _: First letters in long word for extraterrestrial declaration(?)

September 20 dream:  Can’t get into part I’m supposed to play in play. I tell them I’m perfectly fine if they want to get somebody else. The part is a loud authoritarian guy.

September 20 dream:  Moving back into vacation house. Bring shoes. Harriet there. Girl who wants me to wait ’til she starts wearing shoes. Suzanne there as well. She seems to really be happy i’m there. Earlier I say, “What the Fuck!” Harriet objects. I say, “Whoops! Mommy patrol!”

September 20 dream:  Trying to serve a cup of coffee and also giving a book about Native Americans to somebody.

September 20 dream:  Dream of sucking somebody’s cock.

September 19, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Then walk up Monterey to Safeway. Pass Jun’s salon. I was going to stop by he suggested hier, but he was cutting somebody’s hair and facing the other way. Made me feel bad. Go to Safeway. Then walk home. Lots of house cleaning today. Email from Troy cancelling my therapy appointment tomorrow. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: “Truth stands on its own.”

September 19 dream:  Supposed to return form before checking out. Carol Carter with me, who I’m mad at.

September 19 dream:  Jumping off Uncle Nick’s roof. Running around in the neighborhood. Walk thru garden gate which I say is “very Parisian.” Wondering what I’m doing there. Would like to get away from my family.

September 18, 2021:  Self Observation group at 11 a.m. Six in attendance. I like this group better than the one I attended previously. In ’til 1:30ish. Rush to get to haircut appointment with Jun. He says I should visit more often, not just when I need a haircut. He calls it “friendship.” Then Asian guy comes in and starts talking Chinese with him. I tell Jun, “He’s taking away from my friendship time.” I tell him i’m thinking of moving to Haight and Market. He says there are too many homeless there. I remind him of time he came over to my place. He said, “And you didn’t even offer me anything to eat.” Walk to Excelsior library. Then back to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to #48 to W.P. Take K home.

September 18 dream:  Free wild possum. Hope the dog goes after it. They go after each other.

September 18 dream:  My grandmother, who I just met, mentions “penis” for the second time. I compliment her for it.

September 18 dream:  Guy on stairway is or pretends to be awestruck by me. But he seems to be on his way out.

September 18 dream:  Drive friend to Jewish center in the Tenderloin. He wants to stay for meditation. I decide to stay too. Run into Nobel Fields there. I tell my friend, “We used to make fun of him at school.” She says, “That’s not who I am.”

September 18 dream:  Some old Dickens play with an all-gay cast.

September 17, 2021:  In ’til 1ish. #49 to Tommy’s Joint on Van Ness for 10th anniversary of Occupy lunch with John F. Then walk to Castro. Trying to hook up online with Occupy Wall Street Global GA. But can’t. Then take K to W.P. Stop at Peet’s. Douglas there. After, talk with Ladi at Christian Science Reading room. Tell him about God’s Perfect Child. I leave about 5:35 p.m. I ask Ladi, “How late do you stay?” He says, “5:40..” K home. Cute Asian girl on K. Then W.F. Shirtless Asian guy in overalls having trouble opening plastic bag. I say, “Do you need help with that?” He laughs. Big group of young people with SFO tags on their luggage on elevator. I say, “Where are you coming from?” The say, “San Diego.” I sound disappointed. One girl jokes, “I came from Dubai.”

September 17 dream:  Christian vs. Christian on rooftop, fighting. Don’t know who is going to win.

September 17 dream:  Woman boss about to open letter which I had opened and amended and re-taped up.

September 16, 2021:  Calvin calls. Invites me to “Conversations with Calvin” in December or later. Then 1 Haight calls again. I try to get all the documents they are requesting. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Peet’s W.P. Douglas is baristo. Then up Ulloa to M.S. I compliment “Sir Allen” on his new haircut. He says, “Thank you, Sir.” #43 home. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: “Truth and sexual appropriateness is all I have in mind.” Watch Last Temptation of Christ in p.m.

September 16 dream:  Follower of religious leader is allowed his freedom. (h.o.)

September 16 dream:  On board the boat following the ship Ernst. We were following in its wake, trying to stay upright. (h.o.)

September 15, 2021:  Go to VA for first of three appointments. Stop by liquor store to buy Chron even though I already had one. I wanted to see my IA friend from September 3. He checked out my crotch. Later walking by same liquor store without intending to, went in again. This time IA told me, “I get off about 5 or 6.” I said, “You should be thankful you have parents who are willing to help you out.” Woman in line behind me. (*Relates to first dream of September 14, I think. Also, to hearing hawk hier. I heard the hawk but couldn’t see it. Just like I couldn’t see getting together with IA.) After VA, go to nearby W.G. Black guy gives me intense look. Walk through G.G.Park to 9th and Judah. #43 home.

September 15 dream:  Christian Scientist guys I’m supposed to like. One I do.

September 14, 2021:  in ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then C.B. as it was closing. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear hawk at apex. #48 and #43 home. Cute young Asian guy offers seat to me. As I approach home, thinking about what I heard recently on YouTube about compassion, that the reason it’s so important is because everyone is a part of you. And by being compassionate to others, you are really being compassionate with yourself. As I’m thinking this, W.F. worker (not Javier) gives me an unexpected smile. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: “Truth is joyously expectant of Truth.”

September 14 dream:  A friend of mine was about to go into underground cave. The rest of us were all dressed in new outfits and I was dancing with the girl I was supposed to be dancing with.

September 14 dream:  The dean (a woman) has asked me to say a few words, to read these lines. Before I could speak, another woman gets up and gives a speech. Then I try to get microphone to work and start talking.

September 13, 2021:  Therapy appointment at 12:30 p.m. At one point my therapist says my face fell. I thought that was an interesting way to put it. Walk up Market to Castro. Stop at Peet’s Castro. Ferret-like guy gives me the eye. Later as I’m leaving, I see he’s no longer there. But tall handsome guy (who I think was the same guy) walked out the door in front of me. Walk to Castro. Take photo of “Residents on 9/17” on Castro Theatre marquee. Walk up Market to Portola. Handsome guy at Portola Drive and Burnett Avenue smiles at me as if in confirmation of the ideas I was reviewing in my mind. Wait almost an hour for #43 home. Then begin Translating more seriously. Skateboarder I had connected with suddenly take off. So I do as well. I get on bus four stops later. It’s really crowded but bus driver was nice enough to stop and pick me up.

September 13 dream:  Getting tired of the demands made of me by The Prosperos. I wrap myself in screen. Someone comes to find me. I say, “What do you want?” They tell me. Then I tell them I’ll take care of it.

September 13 dream:  Visiting Oregon. Share room with someone. Then can’t find him. Fortunately, I run into him. He’s digging in a canal. Aries dog protecting him.

September 13 dream:  At school cafeteria for adults. Everybody is hooking up. Guy asks me, “Do you want to come?” I say, “Sure.”

September 13 dream:  My brother Tom says he’s going to name his new child after me: Michael Lee P. …

September 13 dream:  Someone says both my brother Tom and I have public involvement in civic affairs.

September 12, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Owner and son at C.B. Hot blond guy in shorts with mask on walks in. I get excited. Think he gets excited too. Later gay friend of son comes in and ignores me. I say to son, “Is the bathroom working?” [There’s a sign on it which says “Out of Order.”) He says it’s working. I say, “Oh, I see, you’re just teasing us.” Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Guy with tight T-shirt and nice body doesn’t want to play with me. Check out with Patrick, who also is not very playful. Walk home. Run into couple from upstairs on CCSF parking lot? Shits on arriving home. Finish GPC.

September 12 dream:  Had to play piano on crutches. A friend of mine was helping me.

September 12 dream:  Document needs photocopying.

September 11, 2021:  World Work Translation Group at 11 a.m. Three in attendance. In ’til 4:30ish. See “Gusher” on Ocean Avenue. Later Skateboarder with glasses on Ocean. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Say hello to Lee. Too late for C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Run into my motorcycle friend from April 22, 2021 on Amethyst Way. He was with a friend and had four motorcycles in his garage and driveway. He says he sold two in the last month I remind him that last time we talked he said to me, “It’s never too late.” I said, “In fact, I was thinking of that just now before I ran into you.” #43 home. Isaiah at Safeway. Two of us “older” guys were competing for his attention. Or so it seemed.

September 11 dream:  Shop in Paris being shut down. Jewish woman’s things taken?

September 11 dream:  Climb up moving cement structure. Other guy tries to knock me off. Then somebody stops the structure from moving and there are kids up there.

September 10, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Read more GPC at Peet’s. Woman wanting me to check her out. I don’t. Eduardo and other sweet baristo there. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. “Sir Allen” there hidden underneath black hoodie. Check out with “haircut” Ed. They ran out of Wheat Thins. #43 home. Pause in stairwell to photo drawing on floor. Nice young Asian guy smiles at me, followed by his girlfriend. I think they’re my new upstairs neighbors. Makes me feel happy. Later, after waiting about three weeks, get email response from 1 Haight Street asking for documents  which I had already submitted, all within two business days. So I think I’m gong to let them go. Finish Translation for World Work Translation Group. My conclusion: “The brutal truth:  The only opinion/dogma is the perfection of Truth/Consciousness.”

September 10 dream:  Was after certain woman. Just when I was about to reach her, I was stopped. Then released. Then was interested in man.

September 10 dream:  Class on … reading. We were reading a text on deer meat. How there are two types: one standard and tasteless, the other rancid yet tasteful. I take wrong text for second reading.

September 10 dream:  At gay club, young waiters showing off their asses. A black guy from USLA (University of California at Sausalito) gives me the eye. Latino guy keeps hogging my phone. Earlier some moldy bread and moldy muffins.

September 10 dream:  Woman supervisor said she had sex with a couple of soldiers while we were all out of the building.

September 9, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Go to Peet’s W.P. Read more GPC. Scary stories about Christian Science kids getting sick and dying. Walk to Ulloa. #43 home. See “Tattletale.”

September 9 dream:  When he lays on top of me, I’m supposed to grab his penis.

September 9 dream:  Looking for something to eat at local cafeteria. Drive by. Suddenly my car is loaded down with pallets of Coke. Then there’s an obstacle I try to drive through. Then I’m on rock out ion the water. One of the rocks I’m on is loose. I kick it into the water. Now I have to get wet to get back on dry land.

September 8, 2021:  In til 3ish. Walk to Peet’s W.P. Read more God’s Perfect Child (GPC). Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. See “Work in Progress.” Stay on bus one stop beyond to try and connect with teenager with metallic gray fingernail polish. Couldn’t figure out how to do that since he seemed so engrossed with the game on his phone and his friend sitting next to him. After, I concluded that since Mind is one, he must have felt my effort to go out of my way for him. Then, cute young guy on Ocean smiles at me as if in agreement. More GPC in p.m.

September 8 dream:  Big food gathering and eating is almost over. We had to eat out of particular boxes. More to come next week.

September 8 dream:  My brother has a bad head wound. I urge him to spend the night with John F. John says, “It looks like he has brain damager. He looks better in the a.m.” (*Relates to reading GPC on September 9?)

September 7, 2021:  In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. Then G.P. Then read more God’s Perfect Child at C.B. Then G.C.P. Beautiful guy on Arbor Street. I started to take photo but he gave me dirty look. so I pretended I was looking at my phone. Later runner on Market says, “I didn’t mean to scare you.” #48 to #43 to home. Talk with Peter. I ask him if he agrees with Jon Stewart that “Science is doing a tremendous job of rescuing us from the pandemic which science began.” Peter said something about industrialization as he was crossing the street on his way home.

September 7 dream:  According to our boss the Giants are the only local team doing well. I say, “What about Golden State?”

September 7 dream:  I’m joining the Army 22nd Airborne.

September 6, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Nice baristo at Peet’s. He gave me large drink when I ordered a medium. Also brought drink and then straw to my table. Started reading God’s Perfect Child more seriously. Up Ulloa to #43 home. Continue reading God’s Perfect Child. Get to page 100. It’s a really stunning take-down of Mary Baker Eddy, founder of Christian Science, and icon of my childhood upbringing. Hear: “Prepare for the unexpected” in p.m.

September 6 dream:  Young kids are asked a series of questions. We try to make sure they answer correctly. At end I call everybody together.

September 6 dream:  Bob Meslinsky looking at apartment for himself. He says, “I wish I didn’t have to leave Phil.”

September 6 dream:  Am involved with casual group. Kind of like a summer camp. Keep running into same girl. I say, “Are you running in or running out?” She says, “Who are you involved with?” I say, “I’m figuring that out.”

September 6 dream:  Go to Vallejo. Walk up to apartment building to take a look. Steps up to first landing are completely missing. Beautiful view of the bay. Go to take photo. See several large white sea lions. Then a man, two puppies, and a sea lion approach me. I get ready to confront them. [Then my phone rings and I wake up.]

September 5, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk out of apartment. See woman talking on her phone approaching front door. I try to avoid her. Take elevator up to 2nd floor and walk down. Walk down Ocean to San Benito to Monterey to Safeway. Two young black boys get out of my way as I walk by. Go to Safeway. See Asian guy with nice body. Decide I can’t just ignore him so I tell him, “I like your cart.” (*Relates to hawk from September 3 and shits from hier, I think.) Later, I happen to get behind him in the checkout line. Walk home. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: Health ( wholeness) is the only force in the Universe.

September 5 dream:  Adding three new women house members to Saratoga house: one in back porch, one in kitchen, one in dining room, Harriet tells me.

September 5 dream:  Czechs lose game by 2 points though the result seems incorrect to me and others. But Czechs are willing to agree.

September 5 dream:  Take train back into city. Lose my jacket. Lose my luggage. Lots of huge trucks on road. One going forward though heading sideways. Some SOMA residents. One woman says to another, “That’s the price of living in luxury.”

September 4, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then Lee at G.P and Daniel at C.B. Read God’s Perfect Child about an ex-Christian Scientist. Walk to Safeway feeling “shittier.” Pass another wedding at Sunnyside Conservatory. When I get to Safeway, the toilet is closed so I take #43 home and just make it to my bathroom. Later, thinking to myself, “If only God would tell me whether I’ll get better or not.” Then, a few minutes later, listening to YouTube about women mystics, annoying audience member starts singing too loudly. I turn volume down. Then I hear what she’s singing, “All shall be well again, I know.” Later, talking to God in my head, I say, “I owe you my life.” And He says, “Yes, you do.” Later, I wonder, “How long will it take?” Then I realize maybe it’ll be three weeks as indicated in my dream of April 6, 2021. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: “The body of God works harmoniously with Itself to give and receive good.”

September 4 dream:  Must register for big event coming up. (h.o.)

September 4 dream:  Attending party in big old lofty building. Lots of people smoking. Something about Pakistan. And signing a document. Reading in newspaper about coming to party with masked avenger or his rival. At end of dream, building gets very smoky. I look in front part of building and see that it’s not as smoky there. We get ready to leave in a hurry.

September 4 dream:  Thane in mock fight with me over words. I’m drinking a dark cola which leaves a black residue on bottom of glass.

September 3, 2021:  In ’til noonish. Go to VA for dental appointment for TMJ. Liquor store clerk with IA T-shirt. He said they are an Asian group. Meet Dr. Kwan at VA. Love him. (*Relates to “Perfect” on the way there.) Walk home via G.G. Park. See hawk over playing field. Also h.s. boys waving their arms and skipping during soccer practice. I take photo of them. On to 9th Avenue. Then #43 home. Sit next to young boy at bus stop who later sat next to me on the bus. Go to W.F. Stand next to friendly but chubby guy who seems to want to connect with me. Finally I speak to him. He smiles. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Insight: Both my TMJ and my initial melanoma happened on my left ear.

September 3 dream:  Clean up house Tom O. and I are sharing. Guy starts talking to me at same time as I’m talking to Tom.

September 3 dream:  Eating a piece of pie at Calvin’s newly remodeled place. He and his guests disapprove. The pie was not as good as it looked.

September 2, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Eduardo at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. feeling “shittier.” Shits at M.S. Check out with “haircut” Ed. #43 home. See “Dance of Victory” on bus. Listen to Heroes, Villains and Healing in p.m.

September 2 dream:  Thane at big outdoor event. I wish I could stand up to him with my eyes. Then I have trouble seeing.

September 2 dream:  Take bus trip to someplace north of Sacto. It’s snowy. The driver stops one stop early. He’s a temp driver and doesn’t know what he’s doing.

September 2 dream:  Somebody tries to rape pretty big guy. Guy fights back and I and others come to the room where they are and save them. After, I am licking gravy off my fingers, hoping I’m not being too arousing to the rapist, who’s still in the room with us.

September 1, 2021:  Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. See coyote at St. Francis and San Benito. It was just walking across somebody’s lawn. It noticed me. I tried to take a few photos. Go to Peet’s W.P. Eduardo there. Sit next to man who seemed a little too close. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. See Peter afterwards. I give him calling card for Jun’s salon. Listen to How to Kill Your Batman audio book about male sexual abuse. It feels like the weekend.

September 1 dream:  My last day (or maybe it’s tomorrow) at my current place of employment. It’s 8 p.m. and they said they’d get me my check today.

September 1 dream:  Big old bloke helped me move frozen mean onto truck. Jonathan Flynn there. Also Bill Floyd. The big guy insisted on moving the last box himself.

September 1 dream:  Start one year assignment as enlisted man in the Navy. We’re just getting on board ship which is at ocean level.

September 1 dream:  Jean Evans walking up the path on my front lawn.

August 31, 2021:  Submit my new lease online. Get call in a.m. which relates to the hawk on Market Street hier, I think. In ’til 3ish. Return house key to Mary L. via U.S. mail. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.C.P. Two guys (and me) waiting to see the coyotes, who don’t show. #48 and #43 home. Talk to Peter about apple pie he made from scratch using applies from his grandfather’s apple tree in Woodside. Insight: My body pain relates to my father trying to hang on to me?

August 31 dream:  Little niece grabs my balls. I call her a spoiled brat. Other woman comes prepared with lots of cash and checks.

August 31 dream:  Bright yellow aura being comes rising through the department store floor. I’m not really speaking to my boss (my father) and he says he wonders what the dream wants. I say, “You’ll have to ask the phone operators.”

August 31 dream:  I feel bad ’cause I let the humming bird’s mother die.

August 30, 2021:  Therapy appointment at 11 a.m. We did an abbreviated empty chair technique with me talking with my father and vice versa. On walk home RHSed my father who always said to me, “Why don’t you just hit me?” It was his way of saying that’s what he’d do. That’s what a real man does. I said to him, “I think a real man would prevent himself from sexually abusing his son. That’s what a real man would do.” Made me feel good. See hawk on Market Street. Go to 18th Street Starbucks. Get latte and banana nut bread to go. Walk up Castro. Walk over to hear musicians in front of Castro Theatre. See older guy who I try to avoid, then lock my gaze onto his lips. Walk up Market. Other guy smiles at me. Walk to Laguna Honda Blvd. #43 home. Isaiah unhappy at W.F. Watching Jack Benny episode in p.m., he mentions Rembrandt and Picasso just like I did in my BB post (“Truth as art”) of August 25.

August 30 dream:  Some guy lining us up, making us shit. My shit was okay.

August 30 dream:  Pick up some drum sticks and really wail on them. Also, learn to play the piano, I think. Am at work or school.

August 30 dream:  Go to hospital. Get “Cover to pregnant to Japan” chip from strange Greek greeter.

August 30 dream:  Almost finished with the pre’s – the preparation of the meals.

August 29, 2021:  Write “Truth is happening now!” post for BB. In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to W.P. Eduardo at Peet’s. Don’t know anybody else there. New baristo Dominic. Walk up Ulloa. Nice man battling gophers on Ulloa. #43 home. See runner in red shorts. Get off bus and go back and try to find him. I wait around a while and he comes running back. I follow him. Translate in pm. Conclusion: Truth nourishes itself by digesting/understanding everything.

August 29 dream:  Check into big building for annual gay convention with all kinds of activities, talks, displays, etc. Derek there. Robert McEwen. Both tried to sign me up for things before I’d even gotten there.

August 29 dream:  Getting together with guy I really like.

August 29 dream:  3 roommates all take off. Finally they all return. One is turning into an insect.

August 28, 2021:  World Work Translation Group at 11 a.m. 4 of us attended. Later watch The Dancing Boys of Afghanistan video. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then see Lee at G.P. liquor store. Then Daniel at C.B. Then guy with nice ass waiting for #44. I say to him, “Is this the #44?” He says, “Yeah.” He seems creepy. I continue on my way. Next guy I meet greets me as if we were old friends. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Pass security guard at Sunnyside Conservatory. Then photographer blocking the sidewalk. I walk around her. She is photographing the married couple. She says to them, “Put your heads together.” Man seems happy. Woman a bit put off, though beautiful. Go to Safeway. #43 home. Insight: My skin crawling feeling may relate to my father’s sexual abuse of me.

August 28 dream:  Famous guy at international San Francisco demonstration goes towards his predicted death. Then survives. Crowd (including me) applauds. Woman owner of property says, “We’re having a fight about where to go next. If you have any comments, let me know.”

August 28 dream:  “Geigheif” is gangster work for “mother.”

August 28 dream:  Spend first night in my new (to me) apartment. A small bird comes in. Then the landlord and a woman. I ask him about some holes on the counter. He says I’ll have to fix it. And that I should open a window and let the bird out, which I do. It lands on my face before it leaves.

August 27, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Eduardo there. Nobody else I know. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. Run into Peter on way out. He tells me he has a younger sister going to school in Colorado. I say, “Where?” He says, “Colorado State in Ft. Collins.” Makes me happy. Translate in p.m.

August 27 dream:  Getting ready to listen to a class on somebody’s living room floor.

August 27 dream:  Am at day camp with Calvin and others. Tab Hunter is the lifeguard. Only I couldn’t remember his name. But I was acting out how he did – sometimes with gay arm movements, sometimes with jock movements. ““Cause he was both,” I said.

August 27 dream:  Visit woman teacher in middle of country. October. Big Christmas tree in her home.

August 26, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. Made me feel good. Shits later. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Run into my older literary friend from #43. I was following young man at the time. (Probably too young.) Go to Peet’s. Nobody I know working. Later Dickens friend from August 18 comes in. He has sheet music on his table. We talk briefly, both of standing. I lust after his beautiful hands and arms and imagine him without his flimsy T-shirt. I say, “So do you live in this area [West Portal]?” He says, “Yes.” I say, “Well, see you again.” He gives me look of disappointment. I walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with Sir Allen. He’s got a new name tag without the “Sir.” #43 home. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: “Life is the only option.”

August 25, 2021:  in ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Shirtless Asian guy (from August 18) still shirtless, on same bench, talking with same older man on Ocean Avenue. Pass actor Jim’s house on Santa Ana Avenue. Go to Peet’s W.P. Ramone is baristo there. Also Eduardo. Some self-infatuated young people. Then actor Jim and his girlfriend come in. They leave before I run into them. Walk across W.P. Boulevard. Follow beautiful man carrying string bass into wine bar. Several other beautiful smiling men there. No customers. I smile back. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. Jerk off. Translation conclusion: Truth does not punish itself.

August 25 dream:  Getting recording equipment and dinner ready for crazy boss who’s being nice to me at the moment. I touch his baby’s feet as he passes in his PJs for the night The baby seems smaller than he was. There’s food stains on the counter. I say, “Should I clean this up first?” He says, “Yes.”

August 25 dream:  Woman refuses meat or anything meat adjacent. So she refuses salad which didn’t look very good anyway.

August 24, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Try to keep up with young student on Ocean. Finally catch up with him at San Jose Avenue. I think he expected me to come on to him. He seemed off somehow. On to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. Walk to G.P. Shits at C.B. Later Sudoku asks me how I am. I’m fine. Walk thru G.C.P. to Portola Drive. #48 to Laguna Honda Blvd. See Lotus-like car with license plate “Starman.” #43 home. Write “Translation as art” post for BB. Later, as I’m falling asleep, feel a weight on my side. It freaked me out. After much consideration, I think it was Thane giving me a pat on the back for my post on Translation.

August 24 dream:  Run into John while I’m working on a police investigation as is he. I’m supposed to be in one room, but I go with John and the group he’s with. Once we are all seated at a table, he no longer speaks to me. So I start a conversation with the pretty girl (think AOC) sitting to my right. Lots of green clovers around outside.

August 23, 2021:  Therapy appointment at 12:30. We mostly talked about my 2nd dream of August 19 about me splitting up with my president (Trump, i.e., Thane). Walk up Market to Castro. Smiling guy with hot body in tight cloths near Twitter HQ. Go to Starbucks 18th Street. They no longer allow people to sit at tables. So I walk up Market to M.S. Then take #48 to Peet’s W.P. They still allow people to sit but require proof of vaccination. K home. Stop at W.F. looking for tapioca pudding. Settled for chocolate muffins. Somebody throwing cherry bomb outside my apartment window for 2nd time in a few days. Perhaps the new tenant who moved in underneath me?

August 23 dream:  Trying to get to sleep in rented vacation house. I’m on couch. My bed is still packed and it’s dark. And I have no light. Aunt Joanne sleeping in same room on a chair. If offer her the couch but she doesn’t take me up on it. European guy fixing food in kitchen is mad at me for some reason.

August 23 dream:  Big fun event at school—like a play which many of us were in. Calvin there. At end, we both say, “Ta, ta.” Older man who was registering for classes. I was getting healed, I think.

August 22, 2021:  Final day of SupraCargo online class. (*See 2nd dream of August 19.) Can’t believe Heather thought the germ “gay” began use as a term for homosexuals with a progressive group in France in the late 1800s. I think she was mistaking it for Gertrude Stein and her salon in the ’20s or ’30s. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Guy on Ocean, who I’d seen before, smiles at me. Go to Peet’s W.P. Notice beautiful guy sitting behind me. Don’t know how to contact him. He wasn’t reading a book. So I started on my way to the restroom. Then I thought maybe I could ask him to watch my phone. I stood there about 2 minutes trying to justify this ’cause I could very easily have taken my phone with me. But on the other hand, I knew I would have no other chance to speak with him. So I asked him to watch my phone. As soon as I caught his eyes my eyes were dancing all over the place. I thank him when I get back to my seat. He smiles. Say goodbye to new baristo on way out. Up Ulloa. #43 home. Took photo of guy resting his head on shoulder of guy sitting next to him.

August 22 dream:  Putting society back together with Irish bars and other parts of society in the proper amount.

August 22 dream:  Girl sitting next to me in park. She kisses me. I don’t like it much. Crowd of people looking up at my window.

August 21, 2021:  SupraCargo class online from 10-2 p.m. 7 of us attended. In ’til 5ish. Walk to Safeway. See “Flurry.” Shop at Safeway. #43 home. Two new neighbors moving in, one on top of me. One underneath. See “Big Bang.”

August 21 dream:  Trying to find book before I have to leave or wake up. 4 or 5 people killed, all with “good” … and buried under the carpet.

August 21 dream:  There’s an earthquake on 12th floor of building. I rush to get out. Then it’s over. I go back into building.

August 21 dream:  The 15th or then a woman(?)

August 20, 2021:  Shits in a.m. In’ til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Eduardo and some nice baristas at Peet’s. Finish Equus. It reminds me of my BB “Being a F**ker” post from a few days ago. Makes me feel good. Up Ulloa to #43 to home. Jerk off. Watch Alexander in p.m.

August 20 dream:  3 or 4 rows of photos (h.o.)

August 20 dream:  Working in central warehouse trying to find return labels and other things. No one being very helpful.

August 20 dream:  Moved into new room with Tom O. as my roommate. The bathroom sink nearest the window was mine. It had a beautiful view of green trees. I was shaving with green shaving green. Tom writes new room number (22055) on my suitcase.

August 19, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Run into my actor friend Jim outside his home on Santa Ana Avenue. We talk briefly. On to Peet’s W.P. New guy Tyler there. Walk up Ulloa to #43 stop. Talk with Peter on way home. Oliver Stone’s Untold History of the U.S. in p.m.

August 19 dream : Looking for a photo of Oscar Wilde I had seen earlier in an encyclopedia. Others in the room with me. In the kitchen were lots of baseball players, some professional. When I walked in with a smile on my face, somebody said everybody should be happy like me. And I say, “And I’m only 67…ah, 77, oh my god.” (h.o.)

August 19 dream:  Water receding from ocean in anticipation of tsunami? My house is directly on the beach with a steel window curtain for protection. Trump is my outgoing boss. He is wearing a worn red jacket and leaving me. I say, “I don’t want to see you again.” He says, “You won’t.”

August 18, 2021:  Insight: Hypochondria is often caused by childhood sexual abuse. Feeling like I want to die not just due to my body pains but perhaps due to unresolved emotions from childhood sexual abuse. Feeling like my body has been taken from me. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Asian guy in muscle T-shirt on August 12 is shirtless, sitting with older man on Ocean Avenue. Near Aptos Street, another young man smiles at me. Go to Peet’s. Eduardo there. Also Justin and Ramone. Also shadowy guy I sat next to. Later he returned to his seat and kind of looked me over. Later I looked at him. He was more attractive than I had thought. I went to the restroom fantasizing about having sex with him. When I returned to my seat, he was gone. Shortly after, another young man sat in front of me reading a really thick book. I knew I needed to speak to him. On my way out, I asked him what book he was reading. It was The Old Curiosity Shop by Charles Dickens. He had beautiful smiling eyes and a black mask. Was this the same guy I met on August 1? Probably. Then he was reading a science fiction book. (*Relates to first dream of August 15?)

August 18 dream:  Looking for copies of three letters sent out describing my work with various people.

August 18 dream:  Something about trying to find the city of New York.

August 17, 2021:  Sarah calls. Insight: Word for “makes my skin crawl” is formication. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then to G.P. Handsome guy on Diamond whom I admire. Then C.B. Then G.C.P. Two handsome guys who are not into being admired at Portola and Woodside Avenue. Then guy at Laguna Honda Boulevard who also seems standoffish. I move out of his way. He moves behind me. Then #43 to W.F. Young guy at W.F. Then home. Translate “formication” in p.m. Conclusion: I am transmissible Health.”

August 17 dream:  Marriage during a time of war. Had to take cover. (h.o.)

August 17 dream:  Everybody watching movie in hotel lobby. Hear gunshots. Many people leave theater. [Relates to actual noise of garbagemen outside at about 6:30 a.m.]

August 17 dream:  Nancy, Laurie and I move in together. Nancy is taking a nap. I am carrying her young girl who’s sleeping on my shoulder. The apartment has been rearranged. Now to get to the kitchen, we have to go thru Nancy and Laurie’s room.

August 16, 2021:  Therapy appointment at 12:30. See tulpa before and after. I told my therapist I have trouble smiling for photographs. He says, “Smile.” Walk up Market to Castro. Stop at 18th Street Starbucks. Then P.O. Plus to scan my One Haight Street BMR application. Then walk up Castro. Cruise outdoor waiter just before passing J’s bar. Walk up Market. The kids are back at SOTA. Stop at M.S. Check out with middle-aged Filipino guy. I say, “Where’s your name tag?” He gets it out. It says “Suzette.” I say, “Suzette?” He says, ‘Yeah.” I say, “Okay.” #43 home. Run into my literary friend from July 19. He’s reading Hemingway’s Old Man and the Sea. I tell him, “I remember how it ends.” He says, “Don’t tell me.” I say, “I won’t.” Worker at Philz smiles at me. We talk briefly.

August 16 dream:  My gay friend sitting at table with all the Negroes. Then I remember, “Oh, yeah, he’s a Negro, too.” Everybody leaves. When I get up from the table, my woman friend wants me to take care of the guy sitting next to her: Paul Kavanagh. I didn’t know he was gay. I stayed around for a while, then joined my friends who had already left.

August 16 dream:  Fellow campaign volunteer trying to ingratiate herself to our supervisor. So our supervisor starts taking an interest her. She says, How long have you been here?”

August 16 dream:  Puppy I’ve got on a leash. Someone says of him, “For each time he reaches out to me, he reaches me whole.”

August 15, 2021:  Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. 20 in attendance, including “Visitor.” In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Eduardo at Peet’s brings my drink to my table personally. Walk up Portola to #43 just leaving. Two “false starts” on bus. Hear “Get Ready for a Big Surprise. Something good will happen.” Insight: Prickling pain during day relates to heart palpitations at night?

August 15 dream:  Going thru Russian indoor spaces. See the words “Niestro Russio.” (Our Russia?). Guy says, “Speak Russian.” (h.o.)

August 15 dream:  Two Russian guys try to trap us into giving information, which we don’t do.

August 15 dream:  Hear alarm. Wake up in dream to see calm man in black sweater in my kitchen with two little boys. As I stand there, the alarm gets fainter. I have trouble making an energetic response.

August 14, 2021:  Wrote “Being a f**cker” post for the BB. In ’til 4ish. Walk to G.P. Shits at C.B. Then up Monterey to Safeway. Patrick there. Also guy from last Saturday, who was so cool to me, kind of disrobed (psychologically) for me as I passed him in Aisle 5. #43 home. Finish BMR application for One Haight Street. Tough evening health-wise. (*Relates to my concerns about the reception to my “Being a f**cker” post?)

August 14 dream:  Give woman to guy or at least all that’s left of her. He says he’s “ebullient.” (h.o.)

August 14 dream:  Guy painting graffiti on bathroom stalls. Says he has to get people in the habit of painting over them. One is a painting of a beautiful parrot. I tell guy I wouldn’t paint over that. A group of guys outside waiting to do graffiti.

August 13, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Help two Japanese guys looking for Excelsior Playground. See “set for life.” Go to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Take #48 to W.P. rather than my usual route. See Gabby (from hier) at Starbucks W.P. He’s not so “gabby” today. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Take K home. Jack Benny video on YouTube.

August 13 dream:  The building contractor says my property is not yet ready to begin construction. Look for bowl in pottery shop which can serve hot chocolate for four.

August 13 dream:  See John II at gym, shirtless. He looks a little older. No longer into me.

August 13 dream:  See John II sitting on ground, leaning against building. I open his shirt. Then his pants. Later I am in a marching band.

August 12, 2021:  Shits before leaving house about 3:30. Walk down Ocean. Beautiful Asian guy in muscle T-shirt. Guy in Kaisen Don resto on Ocean. 3rd Asian guy cruises me. I run across street to get closer look at young man in T-shirt. He flashes his abs for me. Go to Peet’s W.P. Meet Gabriel (“You can call me Gabby.”) He’s a 17-year-old high school student from Washington state. We talk about an hour and plan to meet again before he returns on August 17s. #43 home. Guy in W.F. tells me all about pineapples. I buy one. ACIM: “I am determined to see.”

August 12 dream:  We’re sitting at big long tables singing some sort of silly song. Thane is singing with us.

August 12 dream:  Barry Bram(?) talking to his wife, “Call me Blue Thunder.” (h.o.)

August 12 dream:  Reading book called “BNF” (But Not Forever?) (h.o.)

August 12 dream:  Visit the Barbier family when they were younger. Also see Tom O. when he was younger. I say, “We should get along.” Also woman wanting to put on an hour play. Other woman talking her out of it.

August 12 dream:  Visit Oakland. It’s beautiful. A couple of women say to me, “I could do you.” See Translation etched on side of rock. It’s a Translation about “love of country,” written by John. Take #38 home through very beautiful transit center in Oakland.

August 11, 2021:  Got email that my BMR application was overdue. Spend all morning and afternoon working on it. Finally submit application online by about 4 p.m. Get 2nd email saying I may have been approved for a new BMR apartment at One Haight. So submit documents to them as well. In ’til about 5 p.m. Walk to W.P. Eduardo and new guy at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Go to sit on seat in back. Woman wouldn’t remove her foot where I wanted to sit. So I sat in front. Didn’t know how to react, so I just got off at my usual stop as if nothing had happened. (*Relates to first dream of August 10, I think.) Insight: Shaking with Cree ’cause I was standing on my own two feet?

August 11 dream:  Try to take pee. Only toilet is in kitchen and father and daughter are eating there.

August 11 dream:  Room was made for protest in the paper and a few shelves of store.

August 11 dream:  Go to park. Get truck to car. Would like to shower. Am told there’s a shower up the way but you have to get naked. See few guys walking down with not much on. Think that looks interesting.

August 10, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Justin and Eduardo and new guy at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa. First bus too full. Take second bus. See Peter. We talk on way out. I tell him about the Danish movie Queen of Hearts. He recommends Danish movie Another Round. Nolan at W.F. Write “My God!” for BB. Cry like baby watching YouTube video of “Let the Sunshine In” from Hair.

August 10 dream:  Kidnapped by strange, violent family. After much taunting, I finally jump from 2nd story kitchen into living room. One guy dressed up in uniform of old-fashioned policeman starts hitting me with a billy club. I say, “You’ve go a lot fo gall.” There are two others but I wake up. (*Relates to woman on #43 on August 11, I think.)

August 10 dream:  Hanging out with girl who kept getting together with other guys. Finally she just took off with me. Get back to treatment center. Touched a girl’s left ear and apologized. She didn’t mind.

August 9 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Run into actor Jim (*See diary of July 7.) He’s reading “Richard III,” getting ready for returning to his second year at Scotland Academy of Dramatic Arts. He said the roles they play will not be gender specific. I asked him which female role he would like to play. He said Anne from Richard III. I told him how excited I was about the Danish movie Queen of Hearts. (*Relates to shits from hier about 5:30 p.m.?) Up Ulloa. #43 home. Watch Unbroken in p.m. I cried when Japanese tell prisoners that “your President Roosevelt is dead.”

August 9 dream:  It’s a one unit class. And it’s the last day of class. I’m not sure what’s due. But it’s supposed to be mailed out today. I ask male teacher and spill “God” (a clear liquid) on his legs. (h.o.)

August 9 dream:  Inside German war zone at camp for wives of Nazi officers. We make friends with them. Try to convince them that their lives are worth something.

August 9 dream:  Working at newspaper office. Trying to get author’s correct name or at least the name he uses on his books. Need to make sure the name he uses on his copyright is the same.

August 9 dream:  My two co-workers ask me the importance of a tuba in a marching band and ask if they can ever go out of formation. I say they are very important and are always in formation of some sort unless they’re showboating. I get up to leave. As I pass their desks, they give me a beautiful new cell phone and aerial of some sort.

August 9 dream:  Clair Gold in hot outfit at Sunday Meeting. We (the trustees) decided we could remove our masks now. I think, “We never should have worn them.”

August 8, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Eduardo at Peet’s. No Justin. After, black gay guy gives me knowing look. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Shits at 5:30 p.m. when I get home. Insight: Invention of my fame as a dissociation from my mother’s murder? Undissociation was the J&J pause?

August 8 dream:  Arrangement made for there to be a corporate Democrat V.P and a progressive President.

August 8 dream:  Agree to take my lunch with Jim Renza rather than going to place to let them know about the election.

August 7, 2021:  World Work Translation Group at 11 a.m. 5 of us on Zoom. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Get second helping of DVDs just so I could get a smile out of sweet librarian, which I did. Walked to G.P. Lee there. Daniel at C.B. about to close. Walk to Safeway. See painted rock which says, “Free from Suffering.” Makes me happy. Patrick at Safeway deli overfills my small potato salad container. I ask other worker there if red, white and blue potato salad includes bacon. He says he thinks it does. I say, “Well, I think I’m going to cheat anyhow.” He says, “Who wouldn’t? It’s bacon!” Makes me laugh. Check out with guy who is attractive, but somehow we haven’t connected yet. In Schubiner meditation in p.m., somebody being wheeled out on hospital gurney. Thane is there. Then realize Thane may want me to say something. Watched Queen of Heart in p.m. Excellent Danish movie about stepmother who has relationship with her under-age stepson. It was excellent.

August 7 dream:  Leaving Saratoga house. Have certificate. (h.o.)

August 7 dream:  A big old department store downtown is closing? Find raccoons and other animals in storage bins. (h.o.)

August 7 dream:  Person going through a purifying process. He playfully approaches his wife. She has 2nd thoughts about not allowing him near.

August 7 dream:  “No man can enter heaven but by me,” guy says.

August 7 dream:  “The first 10 minutes” is quiet.

August 7 dream:  “A thousand years of service.”

August 6, 2021:  Guy calls saying his name is Dr. Gilbert. Says his pager gave him my number. I say, “Maybe you are looking for John Pinkerton.” He says, “Who’s that?” I say, “He’s an alias, a nom de plume, for John H*******.”  He says, I don’t know who that is either.” I say, “Nobody does.” He says, “Sorry to take up your time.” I say, “No problem.” In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Justin comes in, I think. Not sure it’s him. He looks different. Up Ulloa to M.S. “Sir Allen” avoids me. #43 home. Insight:  Watch Lost Horizon. Get chills watching the movie. Then realize if I can create chills I can also create body pains, etc. And if I can create body pains, etc., I can uncreate them.

August 6 dream:  I pay all my debts and I still have a lot of money in my wallet. Take off from the farm for a while. Small wooden box follows me and tries to intimidate me. I kick it. (*Relates to insight from August 6?)

August 6 dream:  Orca whale is caught and hooked up, slightly deflated, on deck of boat. (*Relates to insight from August 6?)

August 6 dream:  Woman model sitting across from me. I see her pictured in many photos in the newspaper I’m reading. She says she’s having a tough time at work and asked if I was. I was about to deny. Then remembered I was. Later big dark guy comes to our hose. Says he’s going to kill us. Then Tom C. appears in the doorway with a weapon.

August 5, 2021:  In ’til 2ish. Take #29 and #38 to VA. Cute Asian guy gets on #29. I switch seats to get a better view of him. After a while, I notice he has painted fingernails. That excites me. After he gets off, he stays standing at the bus stop. See “Past Perfect.” VA appointment with Alex in Neurology. He is very cute and sweet. I say at the end of our session, “I hope I see you again.” He says a friend of his recently moved to the Ingleside neighborhood. Walk down to Balboa Street. See “Pitch Perfect.” Go to Simple Pleasures Café. Meet very cute young baristo. He is brown-haired with blond streaks. He found the banana nut bread I asked for and said he prefers the lemon bread. I say, “That’s too sweet for me.” He says, “Yeah, it is sweet…like me.” I make a point of saying good-bye to him. #29 home.

August 5 dream:  In early session of economics class. We had to decide which kind of economics we wanted to write about. Most of us needed more info. I had to leave early. Ate some chocolate.

August 5 dream:  Spill a whole bunch of aspirin and coffee(?). Start picking it up.

August 4, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Talk with Ladi at C.S. Reading Room again. He prints something out for me. Justin at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa. Just miss bus. Catch next #43. Peter is sitting in back. We talk and walk and talk, mostly about the Delta variant. Insight: Sex is not that important to me. This insight makes me feel horrible. Like I’m a failure of a person. Then angry.

August 4 dream:  Filing out forms with loopholes (h.o.)

August 4 dream:  Deposed president. I try to take him to safety. We go into nearest closet. People immediately know he’s there. And pound on the walls.

August 3, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. See J-lookalike on bike on Ocean Avenue. Go to G.P. Lee’s father wearing Hawaiian shirt. I asked him if they are going to Hawaii. He does a little hula for me. C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 home. See Peter. Talk with him about the Giants game he went to. Follow hot looking guy in T-shirt into W.F. Walking out, he bends over to pick something up for my benefit. Meet 2nd Isaiah on way out. Shits at 6 p.m. on arriving home. Insight: Me standing up to beautiful men (*see diary of August 2) is like me standing up to my father. (Both my father and beautiful men had or have power over me.) Just ’cause you can take something doesn’t mean you should. Just ’cause you can do something doesn’t mean you should.

August 3 dream:  Visit England and France. Think of moving there. Then Chris H. visits us in N.Y. As he leaves, I walk him out. Then I’m on a bus with him and I see that all the people there are dead. I break open a window. Green slime spills down (h.o.)

August 2, 2021:  Get up early and can’t get back to sleep. Shits just before heading out the door at about 11:30 a.m. for therapy appointment. At end of appointment, my therapist was talking about internalized homophobia as an aspect of my psychological makeup. I finally realized that the reason I didn’t affirm all the opportunities I’ve had for sex with beautiful men in my life is indeed because of internalized homophobia. Not on my part, but on the part of the beautiful men offering me sex. What these men were offering me was not sex as the culmination of a relationship, but sex without any relationship at all. And that’s pretty homophobic. As if that’s all we deserve. All we can expect. All we can hope for. And the condemnation I feared with many of these invitations for sex was not from God, not from my father, but from my own internalized voices demanding conformity with the standards which I knew were expected of me if I wanted to be accepted as a member of the community. So that’s a big deal. Walk to Starbucks at 18th Street and Castro. Then passed J’s bar and walked up Market to #43 bus stop. #43 home. Take nap.

August 2 dream:  Job ending soon. My female boss is going off, too, She wants to wish us lives of dwarfism. She’s about to explain.

August 2 dream:  At new job as secretary, my new young male bosses squeeze into my small office. They say, “Guess what? You’re not bankrupting the company and the girls (the other secretaries) are out.”

August 1, 2021:  Insight: Realize that what I’m really afraid of is not COVID, not he vaccine, but my own sexuality. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. 7-week-old pit bull makes love to my legs. 7-month-old German Shepard hugs me. Both on San Benito Avenue. It’s Jerry Garcia Day at Peet’s W.P. They’re playing his records on a phonograph. On exiting, see young man reading a book. I say, “Is that a good book?” He says, “I don’t really like science fiction.” It’s called Pietro Maestro or something like that. It feels like the conversation is over, so I leave…very happy. Walk up Ulloa. Take #43 home. Hear guy in back seat of the bus say to girl on the other side, “Is that a good book?” Start Week 4 of Schubiner work.

August 1 dream:  Spending evening alone in big old Saratoga house. Watched TV with no commercials. At about 11:30 p.m. started to feet unsafe.

July 31, 2021:  Talk with Heather in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Lee at G.P. Daniel at C.B. Walk to Safeway. Nur not there. Walk home.

July 31 dream:  Driving up the coast. Run out of gas about half way.

July 30, 2021:  Sarah calls at 2ish.  In ’til 3ish. Shits at 3ish. Walk to W.P. Little Asian boy holds out his hand for me to high-5 which I do. Go to Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa. Hear and see hawk. Go to M.S. See beautiful young man with dark hair and red hoodie on walk to bus stop. #43 home. Insight: I’m not terrified of the vaccine. I’m terrified of my sexuality. (*Relates to last dream of July 29? And relates to some of the dreams of July 30?)

July 30 dream:  I roll a 7 and an 11.

July 30 dream:  As I leave the house, General Curtis LeMay talks to me about how much smoke there is in the air and in the house.

July 30 dream:  Black guy looking on in triumph at intersection.

July 30 dream:  Set up person selling dresses.

July 30 dream:  I save two sunny-side up eggs. Woman says she can take them home with her and then she sticks her fingers in the yolks.

July 29, 2012:  Rough nite last nite. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Talk to Ladi at C.S. Reading Room. My happy baristo at Peet’s. I learn his name is Justin. I think I’ve found my new café. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. Memory: Remember girl in mediation group about 10 years ago who came on to me. I demurred ’cause I thought it might jeopardize my friendship with Bob M.

July 29 dream:  Nancy finds my water-logged checkbook on the ground underneath bench and says, “And that’s where your value is as well.”

July 29 dream:  Dream of things aligning.

July 28, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. My happy baristo at Peet’s. I talk with him briefly. He is beautiful, biracial and friendly to everyone. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Blond guy suddenly walks thru two parked buses. I watch him walk away. And eventually follow him. Have to run to catch up. I ask him an inane question, “Where does this street lead to?” He repeats my question. I said, “Yes.” He said, “It leads to Monterey and then to Glen Park.” I said, “Oh, okay.. Thanks.” But a lot of unspoken communication went on underneath those inane words. (*Relates to last dream of April 7, I think.) I was so excited by my interaction with this young man that I went home and jerked off. This time with no blood. Insight: Realize my pain may be a rite of initiation.

July 28 dream:  Everybody masked up in grocery store. Woman asks me what I think of Joe Biden. I start describing another Joe. And have to go back and think about Biden. (h.o.)

July 28 dream:  Spending the nite at Barty Bram’s. Take shower in a.m. Can’t find clean towel. Barry suggested we all go without clothes in the bathroom.

July 28 dream:  Walking down Market at nite after a big event. Run into J-lookalike. He isn’t J. he asks me for a cigarette. About to go into store. Then don’t. Run into two gay guys I saw in church earlier in the day. I help them slide a bed frame down some stairs in the apartment below which has a beautiful view of S.F.

July 28 dream:  See Bernie at train or bus station. He just had work done on his eyes so he can’t see. I say, “Hello. I saw you earlier in the day.” He says, “I can’t see. Tell me what you look like.”

July 27, 2021:  Video showing black guy on bike coming into Chinatown and telling the Chinese to go home. One Asian guy knocked him to the ground. Made me feel great! In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear hawk on exiting. Hear hawk on Amber Drive. #43 home. Schubiner work day 17.

July 27 dream:  Me and Tom doing janitorial work at Catholic Church. Tom says he thinks he’ll give some of his money to them ’cause they do good work. I see a couple of mice. Then 3 or 4 big nice who are not intimated by my kicking. Earlier: Me peeing.

July 27 dream:  Continue on path. Pass goats. It’s wetter now. Lots of young school boys in royal blue tops jumping off cliff. I’m just trying to find my way down.

July 26, 2021:  Therapy session at 12:30. Walk home via Market and have coughing and sneezing fit. See hot guy with tats and muscles at Duboce. He looks hard at me and vice versa. Then see young Asian-ish guy at upper Market parklet. Go to 18th Street Starbucks. Lock eyes with cute Asian baristo. Walk by J’s bar. See Spike’s baristo on Market. He smiles at me. Try to catch up with cute young Asian guy wearing shorts near Portola and Clipper Streets. #48 and #43 home. Stop by W.F. See Nolan in bakery. Then run into Javier on the floor. He doesn’t look as interesting or as cute as when I first met him on July 24. Get help finding curry from Isaiah. Get several calls from anonymous source. Insight: I’m not trying to hide that I’m having sex with others but that I’m doing something–anything–for myself, to admit to myself and others that I have desires of my own.

July 26 dream:  Girl has miniature of camp she used to go to.

July 26 dream:  Spend day t my cousin’s house. One of the women there has been diagnosed with AIDS.

July 25, 2021:  Break blood bluster while jerking off. Gives me bloody dick. I’m sure it means something. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. No banana bread (or cute baristos) at Peets W.P. Walk on to M.S. Portola. Follow guy in store. Give up on him. Go to Starbucks Portola for the first time since June 4 when I was asked not to make personal comments about Anthony’s tight pants. Same barista who told me this came up to me at 5:45 and said, “We’re closing in 15 minutes.” #43 home. Meet Patrick from Safeway deli. We talk briefly.

July 25 dream:  Jumping into icy pool to get campaign button. May have smelled one as well.

July 25 dream:  We (me and Viv Harmon from Maude) get the check (for $100,000) to the man who’s going to cash it at the Bank of Mexico. We in N.Y go under Grand Central Station. Big black guy in floor-length dress gives us eclair. We say, “Now what?”

July 25 dream:  “It is my turn.”

July 25 dream:  A boy and his pet black bear are caught in a potential fire in a parking structure that wasn’t here 30 years ago. I was noticing beautiful couples and wondering if I would cherish J.?

July 24, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then see Lee at G.P Then Daniel at C.B. Then walk to Safeway. Nor there at first in white T-shirt looking very hot. But by the time I get to checkout, he was gone. #43 home. Meet Javiier, who works at W.F., as I approach my back door. He’s very friendly. Says he’s 22 and that I can always find him in the kitchen. I tell him I live upstairs. We bump elbows. Insight: How could I be so sexual and still be a man of God? Or a famous President? Or a Nobel Laureate? 2nd insight: My pain keeps me from having a big head. 3rd insight: If I get a big head, my father will kill me. 4th insight: “Sex” with my father and “sex” with Nancy was simply capitulation.

July 24 dream:  Telling my body to stop hurting. And it follow my direction like a whack-a-mole.

July 24 dream:  My female boss says there is a news story at Macy’s and if I jump out the window right now I can cover it.

July 24 dream:  Was over at Bill and Mary Floyd’s house. Had an emergency. Had to deliver man and several dogs out of oven-like womb. Later going to several restos and being told to change seats and wait.

July 24 dream:  Just now realizing that the glass I swallowed in my youth may be damaging to me now.

July 23, 2021:  Shits at 1:30ish. Realize “3 weeks” from April 6 may relate to “week 3” of the Schubiner work. Walk to W.P. Nice-looking young man in Adidas running pants on Miramar Street. Happy, good-looking baristo at Peet’s W.P. I smile at him. Watch him jump up and down in happiness while waiting for something to eat. Meet new author (Mastering Your Role as a Nonprofit Manager). Made me think that I might be next to get my first book published. As I leave Peet’s I say, “Thanks” to happy baristo. Walk up Ulloa. Hear guy say, “What are the odds?” See “Wonder.” #43 home. Run into Peter for the 2nd day in a row. We talk on bus and after.

July 23 dream:  Me and another man sitting at a table. I’m trying to animate him. (*Means: I seduced my father to bring him out of his state of torpor after my mother’s death?)

July 23 dream:  … man has a gun and a table. I take away the gun.

July 23 dream:  Go to group meeting which tries to drown out your emotions so you can hand out literature. Meet Bob Labansat there. Say hi. Then come back to get his phone number. Group says I should come back tomorrow nite again. Trish Haines comes up to Bob and hugs him. Bob suggests we go out for ice cream.

July 23 dream:  Rent a studio apt. in Santa Cruz for a month. I had planned to move there but not at that place.

July 23 dream:  Taking Tom C. home from some event. I told him I rented an apt. in Santa Cruz for a month.

July 22, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Then stop in at Peets. See two very cute baristos. Get happy. Think I’ll go there next time. Walk up Ulloa. Think, “I’d do anything to stop this pain.” Then realize that’s probably what I thought about my father as well. Older man, who looks somewhat like my father, smiles at me. Find Granville Street (*See diary of July 9.) Hear hawk. #43 home. See Peter after several weeks of not seeing him. We talk on bus and after we get off. He told me he went to Willkommen bar on Market Street.

July 22 dream:  Wondering if the ocean would let me bob on its surface. Trying to pack up to leave Liz’s before mountain lion comes down and attacks me. Laurie sits on my stuff. I try to grab her finger and she pulls away. She says, “You can’t get me” and I can’t seem to.

July 22 dream:  I’m not feeling well. Woman tries to help me. I’m laying on my back. My hair is messed up. I say to her, “Give me a little dignity.”

July 22 dream:  Moved back in for apartment painting on showroom floor. Carol Carter asks if I want coffee. I say, “Yes. But pour it in the cereal boxes.” She poured it on the cereal boxes. I say, “Never mind.” See big DIARY.

July 21, 2021:  Rough nite last nite. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Then up Ulloa. See “The roots run deep.” Later see good-looking Asian man and young boy. Lock eyes with Asian guy. Then walk up to #43 bus stop. The bus just passes. So I decide to go down Ulloa again and check out my Asian friend. This time he ignores me. Realize this is what happened with my father. It isn’t that he sexually assaulted me. It’s that he stopped sexually assaulting me. At first there is interest, but then he ignores me. So for the rest of my life I feel I am not good enough, not attractive enough. Which explains why I always go out of my way to let other men feel that they are beautiful enough. Also explains the tulpa from July 16. The universe is taking a stand and letting me know that I am attractive. I am manly. I am beautiful. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think. Also, to falling down on upper Market on July 19?) So I could never have sex with the men who offered ’cause my father said I wasn’t attractive enough. And if I wanted to retain my father’s love, I’d have to honor his view of reality. And if I dared, like with Cree, my father would get me.

July 21 dream:  I’m gong to be part of the show. Maybe doing the “Money Money Money” song. (h.o.)

July 21 dream:  Talking to miniature statue of me standing on my hands. In a church.

July 21 dream:  49ers lose 38-5 with poor attendance. Edith Bunker wants her voices back.

July 21 dream:  My boss leaning over me, giving me a hard time. Rumors of law firm I’m working at splitting up. Also rumors of a pay raise to $100,000 or $160,000.

July 20, 2021:  Shits at 3ish. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Then walk up Ulloa to M.S See “Sir Allen.” Walk away. Then walk back and ask him if they have yogurt with lemon on the bottom. He’s very helpful. Later woman crossing Portola smiles at me. #43 home. Two beautiful young skateboarders get off. I get off six stops early so I can witness them skateboarding down Monterrey. Which I do. Get next #43 home. Schubiner day 11 unsent letter to Sara W. (and my mother).

July 20 dream:  Walk thru building where gym used to be. See several familiar faces. Some still very cute. As I exit, guy walks up to me and says, “So how are we going to get rid of Nixon?”

July 19, 2021:  Leave about 11:30 for therapy appointment downtown. Good-looking guy at Castro Muni Metro Station who didn’t get on the train. Therapy with Troy at 12:30. He seemed really hung up on the experience I had with a tulpa at C.B. on July 16. (*See first dream of July 18.) Walk home via Castro. Stop at 18th Street Starbucks. Do crossword puzzle. Walk up 18th Street. As I’m thinking that the young man and his dog refusing to go to his (the dog’s) place of trauma (the mailbox) related to my terror last night trying to get to sleep. (*See diary of July 18.) Guy smiles at me as I am thinking this. Walk up Market. Slip and fall on upper Market. #43 home. Nice old guy and I talk about Hemingway, Steinbeck, Salinger, etc.

July 19 dream:  Moving everything out right now. Somebody says if we’d planned this right, we could have moved out according to Jesus’s teachings. (h.o.)

July 19 dream:  Someone trying to interpret three dreams at the same time. One involved a black man, one with someone with a COVID mask on.

July 18, 2021:  Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. Realize hier’s J&J warning triggered a panic attack and may have been intentional on the part of Infinite Mind to get me to look at something in me that I need to throw out (i.e., panic attacks). In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Then up Ulloa to L.H. Blvd. See young man and his dog. He tells me that his 4-month-old dog is afraid of the mailbox ’cause of something that probably happened when he was a puppy. #43 home. Two guys get on. After they are seated, I look back. The younger one gets excited, only for a brief moment. I follow them out at my stop. They turn on loud rap music. Insight: Felt leg weakening on my walk to W.P. Later realized I was just being “obedient” to what the authorities expected the symptoms would be for the latest J&J warning. Then the leg weakening stopped.

July 18 dream:  TYT’s John Iadorola at his previous job wearing a cloth on his head. Alleyways of S.F. Resto named the Pyramid. I think S.F. was great in those old days. I have car I was driving. It was a car stolen by a woman friend of mine, baby blue. I thought, “She shouldn’t do that…steal cars.” Car got hit. I continue running. I’m running near church at night. Old man, the rector, in his robes, goes to unlock his church door. I think, “It must be nice to be able to talk about God and never have to confront Him.” I slip on wet sidewalks and fall into the air. I think I better Translate. So I start in: “Truth is that which is so. That which is not Truth is not so. Therefore Truth is all that is.” A voice says, “What’s the matter?” And I say, “We never did talk about . . .“ I land on the grass near a train track. The train stops. I get up. The conductor sees that I’m okay. And the train starts up again. (*Relates to my therapist’s non-acceptance of the experience I had with a tulpa at C.B. on July 16. My therapist was the rector in the dream, I think.)

July 18 dream:  Man drives me up to Stanford. The mature Stanford. Very nice area of S.F. I was folding blanket. I asked him where the nearest commercial area was. He got on top of me, sitting on me, facing me. Tried to put his finger in my butt. I said, “Don’t.” Then I thought, “Oh, this guy’s going to rape. me.” There was someone to my right side. (*Relates to my father “raping” me back in our Menlo Park home?)

July 17, 2021:  Read about new J&J warning in a.m. It freaks me out (again). And just a day after I had cancelled the VA appointment and then play acted what might have transpired there. Translation group at 11 a.m. Sarah calls after. Haircut appointment at 3 p.m. with Jun. I showed him a photo of a shirtless Asian model in Out magazine and asked if it was him. He said yes and went talked about how how much they paid him and how much they would have paid without pants and without underpants. It was fun. Sarah called again, just as I was leaving. Brenden at Safeway. Walk home. Do Day 8 of Schubiner work. Very helpful.

July 17 dream:  Running out of food at big catering service.

July 17 dream:  Cat looks in window. I put my nose to the window hoping to scare him off. He jumps in through the upper open part of the window.

July 16, 2021:  Cancelled VA neurological appointment. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Copy Edge. Cute Asian guy on Ocean coming and going. Then Excelsior library. Think about cancelling my VA appointment. Think maybe I should play act what might have happened. Woman smiles at me. In my play act, VA says, “We don’t know what causes your pain. We just want to block it.” Then G.P. Then C.B. Daniel baristo. I sit next to middle-aged woman. She makes me feel really attractive. Uncomfortable, but really attractive. As she leaves, she smiles slyly. Also, the woman who left looked different from the woman I sat next to. Walk to G.C.P. See “Out of thin air.” #43 home. See “Healthier days ahead.” Watch The Good Lord Bird video in p.m. (*Relates to July 10 dream about it snowing in Kansas.) Note to God: I’m not up to the task. Don’t know what the task is exactly, but I’m not up to it.

July 16 dream:  Working in factory. Cleaning up actually. Calvin said I could have some of his lettuce. Then he put it someplace I couldn’t locate. Brief alarm. Nobody panicked. I question young girl about what she did. Then I say to others, “I keep forgetting she’s a young woman.” They say that’s okay.

July 16 dream:  Judge appointing a jury.

July 15, 2021:  In ’til 1ish. Take K to dental appointment. Walk back thru Castro. Unintentionally walk toward J’s bar. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) Walk to C.B. in G.P. Cute young Asian guy reading Game of Thrones. We talk briefly. He leaves immediately after we finish talking. BART & #29 home.

July 15 dream:  Working for British government as a secretary. Didn’t know who my boss was. Was finally given letter to type.

July 14, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk out apartment. Guy at apartment front door. I didn’t want to let him in so I leave via another door. Feed bad about it. Then run into beautiful dark-haired skateboarder, who I cruise mercilessly. (*Relates to hawks from hier, I think.) Walk on to Starbucks W.P. Seamus from Starbucks Portola there. Also Asian baristo. Then up Ulloa. Get suspicious call from “Our Revolution.” (*Relates to dead rat from hier?) Hear hawk on Ulloa. #43 home. Day 6 Schubiner work. Insight: My fear that I will be famous. Also, the J&J “pause” an act of God? Or at least what God would be like if I was Him/Her.

July 14 dream:  Woman kicks us out of spiritual organization we have all part of. Literally, tears us out of book.

July 14 dream:  Young coyote is …. Dripping liquid from his eyes and nose. Even young deer it is chasing is concerned. Coyote says something about young boy.

July 14 dream:  Opening a New Age book store. One of my readers is writing a detective story. I say, “Perhaps she should write another.”

July 13, 2021:  Insight: My desire to stay good looking is so I’ll still be of value to my father. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean. Turn around a couple of times for beautiful Asian man. Then stand behind young black man with tight pants and wonderful ass at W.G. Before I leave I check him out again. Walk up San Benito. Check out guy in muscle T-shirt and then I see hawk overhead. Followed by 2nd hawk. Go to Starbucks W.P. Up Ulloa. See dead rat in street. Go to M.S. Portola. Check out with Ed (my “haircut” friend). Insight: Pain throughout my body relates to God and my father trying to keep their hooks in me? Day 5 of Schubiner work. At end, see flash of white light. It kind of scares me.

July 13 dream:  Last nite at a gay camp of sorts. We were learning gay history. (h.o.)

July 13 dream:  We have moved into a new house after our Saratoga house. Harriet says we’re going to make this a real nice one, too. Dad is out in the driveway in his wheelchair. Guy in car in gravel driveway. I think that if he attacks, I’ll put myself between him and my father. My father heads over to a neighbor’s house.

July 12, 2021:  Take K to therapy appointment. Meet cute hooded, then unhooded, traveler across the aisle from me. I follow him to front of train. Then he moves to be closer to me. Then he gives me the look. Later hot cop in W.G. who yawns when I start checking him out. Good, not great, therapy session. #38 to Balboa Street. Little boy wearing “Unstoppable” T-shirt. Self-observation on #38. Saw myself turn on my phone but without my usual grandiosity, self-congratulation. Wondered if I could survive without. Think I could. Cute, hot guy I cruise at Cielito Lindo resto. He gives me hard look back. I smile. Then on to La Promenade Café. Then VA. Read more from Self Observation book. Cute Pakistani(?) doctor who said, “You’ve got the healthiest ear I’ve seen today.“ Standing next to me, his doctor pants feel like satin. Doc lets me look at video of my inner ear and nose. It’s amazing. Certainly something I had nothing to do with. #38 and #43 home. Day 4 of Schubiner work. Realize my body pains may be my father still trying to keep his hooks in me.

July 12 dream:  At about 4:45 librarian bills me $20. I say, “You’re going to close soon and you want $20 for the last 2 hours.” She says, “Yes.” I say, “And when do I reopen? At 5:20.” Earlier I mentioned being suicidal.

July 11, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Cute baristo still there. Also very nice barista. Walk up Yerba Buena to Monterey to Safeway. Check out with Nur even though he is “15 items or less” and I had over 30 items. He said he’d be taking a vacation in Palm Springs on Wednesday for a week. I said, “So I guess I won’t see you next Sunday.” He said, “But I’ll be back on Wednesday.” I think Nur is hot for me. #43 home. Day 3 of Schubiner work. Insight: Realize that my mother’s death was my Joseph being thrown into the pit moment. Followed by my refusal to have sex with Mrs. Potifer (several times). 2nd Insight: Being a slut is a lot more fun than being in a pit.

July 11 dream:  About 20 people attend workshop after class of about 100. Tom C. there . Also Nannie. Woman asks us to form two lines.

July 11 dream:  New York City during Vietnam War. Guy tries to attack me and a co-worker with a knife. I think my friend had a gun. Woman gets over loud speaker and talks anti-war.

July 11 dream:  Getting ready to go to dance. Accidentally pee on my shirt. Have to change it. My parents come in. And my grandmother. They want to “help.” They say I can’t just take my meals and eat them in my room. I say, “That’s your other son.” My grandmother says something about living with shyness. I agree with her.

July 10, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Call for (from?) John Pinkerton. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) In ’til 3ish. As I walk outside, see beautiful old, classic silver Rolls-Royce being driven by two men of color. I fantasize about being picked up by them, being stripped of my clothes and raped. I put up a good fight but I’m excited at the same time. After I climax, they throw me and my clothes out. Insight: Why I’m mad at God. (*See RHS of hier.) “You never told me about sex!!!” Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Daniel at C.B. really glad to see me. And vice versa. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 home. Day 2 of Schubiner work. Realize connection between the J&J pause and my father’s remarriage.

July 10 dream:  Chris H. and Calvin at fancy home. When my work was done, I went home. (h.o.)

July 10 dream:  I move to Kansas. Work on paper 9-5. It snows. I go to lunch.

July 9, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Talk with Nelson at W.G. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Cute Asian baristo there gives me my drink. Walk up Ulloa. Woman asks me if I know where Granville is. I think she was on Granville. Hear and see hawk near tree tops. Woman says, “Good luck with that.” I say, Thanks.” See “shakeup.” #43 home. Lock eyes with beautiful young man as I exit on my cell phone and he enters bus. Day 1 of Schubiner work. RHS God!!!

July 9 dream:  I drive into drive-in resto. Order meal. Guy walks into my car asking for ice water. I say, “Come on in. Stay a while.” He leaves.

July 8, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Visit with Nelson at W.G. Then go to Peets W.P. Then up Ulloa. Run into beautiful androgynous biracial person near W.P. Station. He smiled at me. I just kind of looked at him in awe. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Listened to Schubiner in p.m.

July 8 dream:  Watching movie. End up having to sit next to guy I’m mad at. He starts talking to me. I say, “I’m not talking to you.” Later get up for something.

July 8 dream:  Looking at things from great height. Driverless VW bug driving around.

July 8 dream:  In Translation, words lose their meaning over time. Girls in audience getting all doe-eyed over male singer.

July 7, 2021:  Shits at 3ish. Ingleside library. Walk to W.P. Go to Peets. Meet young man reading “Romeo & Juliet.” He says he’s a first year student at the Scottish Academy of Dramatic Arts. Walk to M.S. Portola. See “Sir Allen” and he seems me. I say to myself: “Let there be Truth Consciousness.” Insight: The place of ecstasy which I remember coming from might just have been the womb, not necessarily God. 2nd insight: Not just my fear of God which stopped me, but also my certainty of fame.

July 7 dream:  Ask a co-worker if we make files for positive cases. (h.o.)

July 7 dream:  I say to wealthy woman preparing for gala evening, “Are you ready for your big event?” She says, “I have to move a refrigerator to Edmonton first.” Then she talks about FDR, saying, “This is why he put science at the head.”

July 6, 2021:  Insight: Being a child of God means staying a child of God. 2nd insight: Perhaps my fear and trembling from April 19 was not fear of my father, but fear of God, or at least my childish idea of God. Got call at 9ish while my phone was turned off. Called back but was unable to get through. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. Walk to G.P. Then C.B. Sudoku there. Walk thru G.C.P., RHSing God all the way. #48 and #43 home. More insights: I have a mission from God but I don’t know what it is or what i’m allowed. Also: I remember the place I came from as being some sort of ecstasy. Did I make up my idea of God as just being a bigger version of my father? If so, no wonder I’m afraid of Him. Also: According to my understanding of my father and of my God, I can be anybody’s bitch, but I can’t be my own man.

July 6 dream:  I’m drinking with Laurie. She says of Harriet, her mother and my step-mother, “She’s got more control over us now then she ever did.”

July 6 dream:  Put long biscuit down bathtub drain. Dog gets it. I separate the two, but now I have a nice, cute dog.

July 6 dream:  Sitting in car. See hawk. Then yeti. Then two yetis. Then their two kids. Car comes up to us. Tries to get in back door which has a double lock, meaning we have to lock it twice. Guy gets door open, though he’s so close to our car that he can’t open it.

July 6 dream:  Cheryl C. leaves our table just as she arrives.

July 5, 2021:  Insight: My feeling of disloyalty to Thane by pursing A Course in Miracles relates to my “disloyalty” to God by loving John or anyone else. Therapy appointment at 12:30 with Troy. Remarkable session. We discussed the word omerta, the Mafia term for being a silent witness to a crime. At first, I thought it related to my keeping silent about my father’s physical or psychological abuse/misuse of me. During discussion I realized that the real silent pledge I had made was with God. And I dare not break that pledge or risk His wrath, or at least my childhood understanding of His wrath. Also that my image of God was a lot more anthropomorphic than I had thought. After session, walked to J’s place on Geary. The front door was open so I went upstairs. Knocked on door. No response. Left little pink note on table outside his apartment letting him know I had stopped by. (*Relates to shits form hier, I think.) Walk on to Starbucks 18th Street. Beautiful young man with beautiful ass walks in with elderly woman. He commands the attention of everyone in the place, or maybe it was just me. But I put everything down ’til they left. Walked up Market to #43 home. Realize body pain is my childhood’s concept of God saying to me, “You’re mine! Don’t think about loving anybody else!” Insight: Do I think of God as Hitler? (*See first dream of July 3. Also shaking with Cree, etc.) What gave me such a bad impression of God? Maybe the murder of my mother, my sexually abusive father, my step-family?

July 5 dream:  New design on sidewalk outside W.G. Ocean Avenue.

July 4, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Buy Sunday paper. Feel shitty. Walk home. Take shits. Leave home again. Meet new guy moving onto 3rd floor. Very nice. He says his girlfriend’s helping him move in. Walk to Safeway. Check out with Nur. He tells me he’s trying to go from 165 to 150 lbs. and build himself up from there. I think he’s too small already. #43 home.

July 4 dream:  Sleeping with some guys in a bed. I say, “it’s important what bed you sleep in. My bed’s not all that comfortable.” Young couple climb through the window. (h.o.)

July 4 dream:  We are … talking about defending Jesus and other religious leaders. I say, “Do you think Jesus needed defending?” Then add, “Well, he did get crucified.”

July 4 dream:  I say, “I’m not a good person.” (Therefore I don’t deserve John, etc.)

July 4 dream:  I’ve been on a long journey. Someone gave me a 6 foot pole.

July 4 dream:  Group of us gathered around to speak. I spoke. Some were funny. Some serious. Harvey Milk puts a book of photos on my crotch. Then on my stomach. Final guy got up and spoke about “our friend the rope.”

July 3, 2021:  Translation group at 9 a.m. Later listen to women speaking to Senator Ron Johnson (who’s about as empathetic as a fox in a hen house) on YouTube about the negative reactions they have experienced from taking the COVID vaccine. These women said, above all that they wanted to be listened to, that they wanted to be believed. But I would guess that this is not something new in their lives. That they have always wanted to be listened to, to be believed. And have not been. And that perhaps  these symptoms are just the latest (and most dramatic) manifestation of this desire. Same could be said of me. Perhaps they (and me) are hanging on to their (my) symptoms as proof of injury (injustice) in order to get somebody to finally listen to them (me) and to believe them (me). Finish online work. Take nap. Walk to Excelsior library. Then up Monterey. Buy lotto tickets. #43 home. Beautiful dark-haired guy at W.F. bakery department. Checkout with cute Asian guy named Min.

July 3 dream:  Woman gives me sedative after taking out whatever is in my ear. I say, “I wish you’d ask.” It’s Monday and we’re expecting Hitler and others to attend press conference on how to bring about peace. I want to make sure it gets in the gay papers on Thursday. Later realize that Hitler is probably dead and not going to show up.

July 3 dream:  Take BART to southern California. Try to get on train to Cal State Long Beach. Crazy old woman in wig is after me. My heart is pounding.

July 3 dream:  I am refereeing a game of pool. As the game progresses, there are no pockets and the balls turn into pieces of fruit. At the end I say, “This is beyond my training to figure out who’s winning.”

July 2, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Feel bad. Walk to G.C.P. Then Sir Allen, Maggie and Ed (my Asian haircut friend) at M.S. Danny. #43 home. Meet Dominic reading “The 2000s Made Me Gay.” I say, “The ’60s made me gay.” We exchanged info. He’s a writer for Riffmagazine.com. Get anonymous call when I get home.

July 2 dream:  Guy wins scholarship for his photography. I also get an honorable mention but I only submitted one photo. Cute guy hanging around. I think there’s some things a photo can’t capture.

July 1, 2021:  Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 1:30. #49 to 450 Sutter medical building. Very nice cute guy I view from the bus at Mission and Ocean. Consider getting off the bus. ENT appointment at 3 p.m. Walk back via J’s place on Geary. Get anonymous call shortly after. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Walk to Starbucks on 18th Street. Sit down for a while. Lots of people in the Castro. Film crew takes movie of me crossing Castro, I think. K home. Cute gay couple holding hands on Ocean.

July 1 dream:  At barbecue.

July 1 dream:  Forming friendship with girl who thinks I’m straight and into her. Several of us on top of tall building with railing overlooking shallow pool below. I’m uneasy about it, but others are cool with it. One guy leaning on the railing.

July 1 dream:  Picking a car depends on your childhood.

June 30, 2021:  Fire alarm, internet goes down, front door is wet with new paint. Everything is falling apart. I ask myself: When has this happened before. Answer: My mother’s death. Later hear “Expect the Unexpected.” Cute painter holding door open during fire alarm. We smile. Shits just before leaving at 3:40ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Sudoku at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Then #43 home. More insight: Not just me who wanted to fix things ASAP. Whole family did.

June 30 dream:  I’m putting glasses on. Leave out a couple with ice water and ice. I’m identifying a crime scene, I think. (h.o.)

June 29, 2021:  Rough nite. Hallway painters start at 8:48 a.m., just as I’m getting to sleep. Do my online work. Take nap on cot in bathroom. (*See nap dream of June 29.) Take #49 to 888 O’Farrell to view $1899/month studio apartment at 2:30 p.m. See two stunning skateboarders on Van Ness. The cuter one avoids my glance. Nice Asian guy helps me find studio on 11th floor. I’m not impressed with apartment. Walk around Polk Street area. Looks worse than ever. Down Van Ness. Up Market. Left on Valencia. Cruise cute young U-hauler. Walk to 18th Street Starbucks. No place to sit. So I walk on to C.B. at G.P. Get there at 4:30. They close at 5. Sudoku smiles at me. Tall, nice guy with tight-fitting clothes comes in. I follow him out. Then follow him as far as San Jose Avenue. See police car. Take that as sign that I’ve followed him far enough. #49 home. Insight: my addiction is hypochondria ’cause I’ve been traumatized.

June 29 nap dream:  White stuff coming out of my ear.

June 29 dream:  Moving boxes at work. Talk to woman on my right. On my left is Bruce. He’s a foreign student from Germany. We talk. Then we begin kissing.

June 29 dream:  Went to strange conference. Guy who ran it understood himself sexually. I got a seat next to Marilyn D. Someone asked her what she felt about the possibility of me being fired from work.

June 28, 2021:  Painful leg cramp last nite. Therapy session at 12:30. Then walk to Castro. Guy yelling “Why did you do it?” out of car turning from Market onto Dolores. Starbucks on 18th Street. Beautiful, non-responsive man in colorful outfit in front of BofA. Walk up 19th Street. Then turn around to see beautiful man again. He’s gone. Pass by J’s bar. Take K home. 3.9 earthquake.

June 28 dream:  Shakesperean actress saying, “O, my lovely mother, she’s no longer here.” Everyone is sitting on the floor. I crawl up near Tom C. and someone else imitating the actress. “O, my lovely mother, she’s no longer here.” Make Tom laugh. He says, “Want to get together at 5:15?” I say, “Yes.” He says, “There may be somebody else with us.” I say, “Okay.”

June 27, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Talk with Joan at W.G. Go to Starbucks W.P. Sat inside! Walked up Monterey to Safeway. Check out with Nur. Student group filming a movie at Gennessee and Monterey. #43 home.

June 27 dream:  Woman wants to buy one of our store’s Mexican face masks. I look around but we’re all sold out. We had 3 or 4 hier.

June 27 dream:  Bernie very excited about going to see a singer. I think, “How can he be so happy? He’s old and ugly.”

June 26, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Cute guy on Staples taking with older man. I stare at him with love. He responds. Cyclist on Monterey who paused while I admired him. Guy in garage on Diamond. Go to C.B. Daniel there. Also noxious Latina couple. Walk thru G.C.P. Then #43 home. My Avalon key chain falls apart on getting home. Shits on walking in the door. (*Relates to John viewing my diary?) Call FedEx and Adidas. Am able to be calmer with Adidas woman than with FedEx gal who just blew me off. Insight: I wanted to get back at Adidas. I wanted revenge. What is that showing me? Perhaps I want to get back at my father.

June 26 dream:  Getting ready to do a talk for The Prosperos. Woman approaches me with all sorts of things to remember. I say, “I can’t deal with those things now. I’ve got a talk to do. I’d think you’d know that.”

June 26 dream:  I’m in the audience watching a series of skits. Realize that I’m the new head of the school. Last skit about Communist China. And white women in gray skirts are sitting on top of people. There is little applause. I’m not so sure China is the bad guy.

June 26 dream:  Taking a bar exam of sorts. Duncan a traitor or not?

June 25, 2021:  Ontology group online at 9 a.m. 6 women and me. Call from “social worker” about my assault on June 23. I feel punk’d. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Now partially open. Friendly, beautiful woman at doorway. Cute patron inside. Walk to G.P. Talk with Lee. He says he thinks music critic Kosman is anti-Asian. I say, “You should write him a letter.” Go to C.B. Daniel there with heavy eye make-up. Walk thru C.G.P. Hawk on Amber Drive circles me. Shop at M.S. #43 home. Too late for Prosperos Roundtable. Re-order Adidas pants which they said were delivered on June 17, but never arrived at my doorstep.

June 25 dream:  Come in from a very drunken wild nite. My pants are split down the middle. I’m walking behind someone as my father approaches us. Woman narrator says he has a very important relationship to me. (h.o.)

June 25 dream:  Preparing online application. Leave extra space under “AIDS.” (h.o.)

June 24, 2021:  Wait for K train. See beautiful young man smoking a cigarette at Beep’s Burgers parking lot. i pass by him and as soon as I pass him I return to my train stop. Later when the train arrives, I see him kind of dancing to pick up his order. Take K to Church. Walk to Love Haight Computers. Black guy greets me in CVS. Pick up computer for $99, not the $199 they told me over the phone. Walk to Castro. Stop briefly at Spike’s and speak with manager there who asked me, “Are you the iced tea guy?” Walk to G.P. Get call from guy who refers to himself as John Pinkerton. I say, “That name sounds familiar.” (*Relates to assault from homeless guy hier, I think.) Later see “success” on Diamond Street. Go to C.B. Then Canyon Market. Cute attractive grocery worker there. Also beautiful woman at sandwich counter. Decide to take #44 to M.S. Sit at bench next to young guy. I ask him, “Are you waiting for the #44?” He says, “Yes. We’ve got 26 minutes ’til the next bus so I was going to ask if I could talk with you.” I say, “Sure.” He says, “When were you born?” We talk for about 10 or 15 minutes. He’s a sophomore at Lowell H.S. Wants to go to Stanford to study environmental science. He says it’s the cause of his generation. As soon as we get on the bus, he is wildly greeted by some friends. I get off on Portola and take #43 home.

June 24 dream:  Sleeping with cat.

June 24 dream:  Fear woman we invited over may be a danger

June 23, 2021:  Get on K train to downtown. Homeless black guy hits me in the face. Then returns to his seat. I report him. Bus driver calls police. He describes me as 75, about 180 pounds. (I don’t think I look 75, but I do think I look 180 pounds.) Cops come. It takes about ½ hour. Proceed to 2 p.m. dental appointment for possible TMJ inflammation. Dr. Adame spends a lot of time with me. Then go to Love Haight Computers. Have to leave my laptop for 2-3 days to get my speaker fixed. Walk to Castro. Feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Stop at Starbucks 18th Street. Use restroom there. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then BART home. Get call that my laptop will be ready tomorrow at noon! Yay!

June 23 dream:  Walking in the rain. Bump into Asian guy. He thinks about fighting me, but then thinks again.

June 22, 2021:  Call VA for another ENT appointment. In ’til 3ish. Walk part way to G.P. Then return home to shit. Then back to G.P. Give Lee article by Joshua Kosman, music critic for S.F. Chron. Go to C.B. Walter L. there. We talk briefly. As I’m leaving cute ramrod straight guy dressed in full camo comes in. I say, “Are we being invaded?” He says, “No, that would be difficult since I’m a submarine officer.” Walk thru G.C.P. Then #43 home. Word tracking: Listen leads to loud leads to glory leads to well-known. Insight from Gabor Maté:You are more important than your attachments.  Not true as a kid. True qs an adult.

June 22 dream:  Climbing on ancient stone structure which is kind of shaky. Others already inside.

June 21, 2021:  12:30 therapy appointment. I shared with Troy (my therapist) my diary entry of June 17: Gabor Maté saying that we only choose partners with an equally unresolved trauma. And my certainty that John had read this. He asked me what I thought John’s trauma might have been. I said I didn’t know. Later I thought that John and I both share the conviction that our beauty is deeply tied to our lovability, our worth. Walked thru Mission to the Castro. Starbucks on 18th Street. Cute, friendly guy smiles at me at Castro and 22nd Street. Continue to G.P. Daniel  at C.B. BART home. Made appointment to see ear doctor.

June 21 dream:  Sitting on the floor with Nancy and Laurie. Feeling loved. Nancy talks about going to Santa Rosa J.C.

June 21 dream:  Stick key in door. It’s already open. Someone inside says, “Hello there.” I panic and try to run away but can hardly move.

June 20, 2021:  In ’til 4:30ish. Walk down Ocean to W.G. Buy Chron from my friend there. Up to Monterey to Safeway. Win whole cooked chicken ’cause I’m standing on No. 4. I give it to woman there since I’m a vegetarian. Nice store manager (who gave me the chicken). Try to get in line of cute guy with glasses. As soon as I arrive, he leaves. Listen to more Gabe Maté on YouTube. Feel better. Insight: Realize I was never all that interested in sex with men. What I wanted with a man was a loving home.

June 20 dream:  Realize I’m late for work. Have trouble waking up.

June 20 dream:  Sister in need of new blood. Other sister diluting it for her by swinging a can of it.

June 19, 2021:  Insight: God (or my father) cannot be relied on. Translation group at 9 a.m. 5 in attendance. Walk to G.P. Pass Jun at work on the way. Have long conversation with Lee at G.P. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Go to C.B. Jay not there. Daniel is baristo. Hot straight guy standing in line. Walk to G.C.P. Then M.S. Young Asian straight guy with nice body who I admired. Went to other side of the store. He followed me over. Check out with “Sir Allen.” Really cute little boy and his slightly older brother with their father. #43 home. Only vacant seat was across from cute young Asian guy standing in an unconsciously provocative stance. He gets off at Yerba Buena Avenue. Insight: Dissociation = disembodiment. Healing = reconnection.

June 19 dream:  I’m on my way to the movies. Guy on bus asks me if I want to go to the movies with him.

June 19 dream:  Getting ready for program in auditorium. I told a very young Leigh that she could sit next to me.

June 18, 2021:  Email VA about my J&J reaction. Feels good, like I’m reporting on what my father did to me back in the ’50s. Nobody will believe me but I’m reporting it anyhow. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Then C.B. Jay not there. Daniel is baristo. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk circles me. #48 and #43 home. Prosperos Roundtable at 5:30 p.m. Suzanne says, more or less, that consciousness did not begin evolving until the women’s movement. Insight: My pain coming not from fear, but from self-punishment to make up for the behavior of my father.

June 18 dream:  Help Mr. Humphreys (from “Are You Being Served?”) into his small new shoes.

June 18 dream:  Return to my rooming house where I lived before. Lots of people outside my door walking past and talking to me. Cute gay guy shows me how to roll up my T-shirt sleeves. See two old Olympic swimmers.

June 18 dream:  Fly into New Orleans. Go to book opening party featuring Hillary Clinton, put on by the mob. At the end they drop massive water balloons from the building. People who try to leave are met up with mobsters in the street. Fortunately they didn’t know me or stop me.

June 17, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Leave home. Come back to shit. Leave again. Go to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then C.B. Jay is there again. We talk more. He “accidentally” lifts his shirt. He’ll be starting MBA program at Stanford in September. Was raised in Brentwood part of L.A. Walked to L.H. Blvd. #43 home. RHS my father (re-manifesting itself in my adulthood as my reaction to the J&J “pause.”) and Gabor Maté’s idea of attachment vs. authenticity: I blame myself to maintain my attachment to my father. Gabor Maté also says we always choose partners who have an equal level of unresolved trauma. Get LinkedIn request from Tom C.

June 17 dream:  Guy (me?) put in outdoor prison for 23 months. Some interesting people around. Guy says, “The statue will stay up for 3-1/2 years and when it comes down, all sorts of hell will break lose.

June 17 dream:  Condo in Vallejo for $100,000

June 16, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Big load of books and DVDs. Walk to G.P. Then C.B. Meet Asian guy named Jay. He’s reading “The Open Society and its Enemies” by Karl Popper. It’s a big book. We talk for a while. Then break. Then talk again as he leaves. He says, “Do you live here in Glen Park?” I go into my long explanation. He says, “I live here in Glen Park.” I said, “Well, If you come here , I’ll see you again.” (*Later realized this related to the hawk from hier on Amber Drive, I think.) As I was walking to my bus stop, I was thinking about Jay and two young guys smiled at me. White waiting for #43, John lookalike on bike. #43 home. Watched Romeo & Juliet on YouTube in p.m. Cry when Mercutio is stabbed. Also when Romeo and Juliet stab themselves.

June 16 dream:  Harriet trying to light her cigarette lighter. It doesn’t work. I stick my hand in to try to help. She grabs it.

June 16 dream:  Having breakfast at place. Sit across from cute guy I’d seen before. Earlier sleeping in train across from guys, one of whom had a hard-on even larger than mine. John was among that group, but he looked forlorn and kind of out of it.

June 15, 2021:  Jerk off in a.m. in ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Guy at Diamond & Circular. I wait for him to cross. He waits ’til I continue walking. C.B. Barista has no biscotti and no banana bread. I leave no tip. Buy banana bread next door at Canyon Market from snarky barista there. Walk thru G.C.P. Shadow of hawk, then hawk passes over me from behind on Amber Drive. Go to M.S. Then to L.H. Blvd. Guy there who I check out but only briefly. #43 home. Insight: My “contribution” to S.F is like my “contribution” to my family, like my “contribution” to God.

June 14, 2021:  12:30 therapy appointment. As I leave, I share that while we were having a casual conversation, at moments, I wanted to just bolt. Later I realized that I wanted to bolt ’cause I feared my therapist might just make a move on me, just like my father did. #38 to VA. Stay on for two stops to follow cute guy to W.G. He gives man some money. I say, “That was nice of you.” We have short conversation. Stop at La Promenade Cafe before VA. Then get my ear wax removed at VA. Walk down Clement and then down 14th Avenue. Trip and fall on wooded path. Run into Fred Cline in front of botanical garden. Go to 9th & Irving. Think it might be fun to take N to Cole Valley. See cute guy at stop. Look at him briefly. Then try to catch his eye again. He doesn’t look up but his girlfriend does. Later I realize that maybe that was all that was needed. No longer interested in going to Cole Valley. Stop at local Starbucks. Then #43 home.

June 14 dream:  Train slowly passing crowd of people. It stops just short of convenient place for guys at the head of the crowd. (h.o.)

June 14 dream:  Coming in on train, taking lots of photos of houses on the hills. Guy behind me hugging me shirtless. As we arrive lots of people on balconies in costumes. When we get in, guy behind me has shirt on and is walking away.

June 13, 2021:  RHS workshop at 3 p.m. 5 people attend. Alex still defending Trump. Walk down Ocean to 7-11 for Sunday paper. Then up to Monterey to Safeway. Check out with Nur and Christin. Nur buying Mentos. I joke, “Don’t they give you free food here?” #43 home.

June 13 dream:  Leave message for #302. He was supposed to meet me but he didn’t.

June 13 dream:  Think of buying Harriet’s $50 portable TV set. Then we decide to split it 3 ways. Want to send Xmas cards to special friends.

June 13 dream:  B&W document about NY Tenderloin. Miss the guys walking around in Speedos.

June 12, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Talk with Lee. Then Daniel at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. On exiting, see people kind of dancing on top of hill. When I get there, they are gone. To M.S. “Sir Allen” there but he didn’t see me or didn’t look. Talk with my older Asian friend at checkout. He told me he just got a haircut to be ready for a wedding on June 26. #43 home.

June 12 dream:  Trouble getting things done in the office/kitchen. Trying to make a milkshake, split pea soup, and send a letter.

June 12 dream:  Get off train. Say hello to all the people I meet in the office.

June 11, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Then C.B. Daniel there. Walk to G.C.P. See large mouse/small rat on Poppy Lane. He is perfectly still. I think he might be dead. I touch him with the bottom of my canvas bag. He moves. He doesn’t run but just looks up at me sort of dazed. (*Relates to me mailing back hand-written note which I received under the door when I was house-sitting at 833 Clayton on September 30, 2017. The note said: “Hi Beautiful Soul! The Universe loves you. Your presence is a gift to be cherished and it is honored! Thank you for simply existing (heart) You are loved + blessed – (heart) – your angels (heart)”) Walk to #43 stop. #43 home. Sit across from my Plymouth Avenue friend. We talk and I walk with him to my front door. He works at UCSF genetics lab. His name is Peter. Prosperos Roundtable later. About 9 people in attendance. We discussed trying to get left and right to talk to each other. I didn’t agree but was too tired to really talk about. (*Relates to first dream of Jun 8, I think.)

June 11 dream:  Being fucked by cute young Mexican sales clerk, with very nice ass.

June 10, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Fed Ex in G.P They can’t take my package either. Got madder than I should have. Go to Cafe Bello. Look up new FedEx places. Call them to make sure they’ll accept my package. Take BART to 16th Street. Walk to Duboce and Market. Wait in line at FedEx. Feels like the post office. Walk to Castro. Guy on bike on Market asks me for $2. I say no. He says, “It must be tough being poor and old.” I yell back, “And good-looking!” Walk thru Castro. Strange though attractive guy on 18th Street. Then up Market to Portola to #43 bus stop. #43 home. In p.m. beautiful guys who I thought were movers hier turn out to be water inspectors. I open my door. They are standing there. They ask if they can come in and inspect my pipes. I say, “Sure.” My pipes are fine. They seem like good-looking brothers. I’m in love again.

June 10 dream:  1962 civil rights demonstration outside White House. Hubert Humphrey blows smoke out the window into somebody’s face. Black guy talks about 12 years. LBJ in the White House.

June 9, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Joke with Lee about his writing for the Chron. Cafe Bello. Sudoku there. G.C.P. M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” His “Sir Allen” name tag is missing. He says he lost it. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Maggie also there at other checkout line. #43 home. Talk with young guy reading “God of the Upper Air”. Stay on one stop beyond my usual stop. Then my friend at W.G. who told me he couldn’t accept by FedEx package. Will try FedEx G.P. tomorrow. Two beautiful movers on 3rd floor.

June 9 dream:  I’m sitting on floor next to woman who is trying to heal me. She says, “Do you watch Fox news?” I say, “Oh, heck, no.”

June 8, 2021:  In’ til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then Lee at G.P. Then Cafe Bello. Sudoku there. They close 3 minutes after I get there. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk on Arbor Drive. #43 home. Cute guy with mustache, long hair and nice smile walking his dog on Hearst Street. I get off bus but can’t catch up with him (or his dog).

June 8 dream:  Tell woman I’m working with that I’m going to take off early. She says she’ll have to report it. I say, “Okay. I’m just really tired.”

June 8 dream:  Prosperos students have store on mall. Angry customer demands to be taken care of. Me and Janet C. agree with her. William F. thinks she’s being too hard.

June 8 dream:  Was visiting Tom O. in L.A. It’s raining. Even in the Valley, where Tom lives. He offers to drag my one wheel bike behind him. I say, “Why don’t I just follow you in my motorbike?” I go back to where I took it apart and the man there had “misplaced” it.

June 7, 2021:  Therapy appointment at 12:30 p.m. Walk back via Castro. Go to Starbucks on 18th Street. Two really cute baristos. Friendly guy at Walter Haas Playground who I went out of my way to encounter. He waved first. Continue to Cafe Bello in G.P. Sudoku there. Insight: Maybe the fear with John in ’87 was my fear of admitting to myself what happened with my father.

June 7 dream:  I drop my bag. Dog races to pick it up for me.

June 7 dream:  Go over to woman’s house to eat. I pick up 3 pieces of toast which had fallen on the floor. She has little wiener dog in small glass container. I say to someone, “I love that dog.” He says he hates it.

June 7 dream:  I’m supposed to buy donuts on Sunday. Guy asked me if I would take picture of him at the “Men’s Room” bar in the Mission.

June 6, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Try to take nap but apartment above is unrolling carpet or something. Later I see guy at elevator who I think might be from that apartment. He looks mean. I Translate him. My conclusion: “Truth is one infinitely thoughtful Person.” Walk down Ocean. See Asian friend from May 30. Buy Sunday paper at 7-11. Up to Monterey and down to Safeway. Check out with Nur. Boy, is he beautiful and sweet. We compared vaccine symptoms. He said he only had arm pain. I said, “I think I’m still suffering symptoms.” #43 home. Find out in p.m. that Aunt Joanne had died in the early a.m.

June 6 dream:  I’m serving tape group snacks and information. (h.o.)

June 6 dream:  Take one and a half hours off from work. When I come back, there’s lots of documents to sort. Also a new female employee.

June 5, 2021:  Translation group at 9 a.m. 4 attended. Shits at 11 a.m. Insight: Realized that hier’s shock at Starbucks probably relates to my fall on Market Street on May 24. (*It took two days for my hand to heal. Will perhaps take two days for my psyche to heal from the shock of hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Fun guy there reading “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”. Said I looked like a Zonka, a tough Polish football player. Go to Cafe Bello in G.P. Daniel there is baristo. I think I knew him from before the pandemic. He’s a psych student at S.F. State. Walk thru G.C.P. Trip on tree root as I exit. See “end” on sidewalk. Go to Creighton’s. Don’t go to Starbucks. I gawk at beautiful guy in shorts walking his dog at #43 stop. He smiles. #43 home.

June 5 dream:  Two guys in suits showering in adjacent shower stalls.

June 5 dream:  Home explodes.

June 5 dream:  Standing in line with a group of men to tell our dead fathers that we love them. Expect to see John, not in line, but at the event, as he’s been there before.

June 4, 2021:  In ’til 3:30. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to CVS, hoping to see Pat. He’s not there. Go to M.S. Try to get in Sir Allen’s line but he evades me. Maggie says “hi” to me as I pass. Go to Starbucks. Barista there says, “We appreciate your comments, but not if they’re too personal.” Took me awhile to figure out what she was saying and why. I think she was referring to my comment to Anthony on June 2 when I asked him if he was wearing his tight pants. Was Anthony getting back at me for my comment on May 28 when I said I hadn’t noticed that he had taken off a few days. Beware a gay man scorned. (*Relates to fall on Market Street on May 24, I think.) Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 10 or 11 people. Joe says he’s feeling better. Sarah says big developments brewing.

June 3, 2021:  Monkeybrains guy installs my new ISP. Takes about 3 hours. I’m so thrilled to be rid of underachieving/overcharging AT&T. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to CVS Portola. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Bus comes right away. I had to rush to cap my drink and put on my mask. As I put my pass up to the reader, bus lurches forward. I fall and spill my drink all over the floor. Black guy gets mad. Young white guy looks at me with great love and concern. Later I realized he was my Plymouth Avenue friend. (*See diary of May 26.) I notice some spots from my drink on his shoe and say to him, “Looks like your shoe got hit.” He says, “They’re just shoes.” We talked a bit and he said good-bye as he got off the bus. I followed him as far as W.F., on top of which I live. (*Relates to shits from hier about 4ish, I think.)

June 3 dream:  Lots of regular earthquakes shake the house.

June 3 dream:  Playing basketball without a hoop with a shirtless Eric Newton and others. I grab him from behind and feel his naked torso.

June 3 dream:  Me and Liz Andrews going off to some dive bar during a break in class.

June 2, 2021:  Shits at 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Beautiful, sweet woman librarian there for 2nd time. G.P. G.C.P. Starbucks. Cessca and Anthony there. I ask Anthony, “Are you wearing your tight pants?’ He says, “What?” I asked him again. He pretended not to know what I was talking about. #43 home. Fire alarm in p.m.

June 1, 2021:  Bills. Monthly BB. Clicky off. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. then up Ulloa to Starbucks. Kaleb there. #43 home. See John and myself (and Irene Smith) in Metaphysical Alliance “AIDS Healing Service” YouTube video in p.m. (*Relates to tripping over coffee table last night, I think.) Tough nite trying to sleep. Lots of ear pain. Lots of Translating.

May 31, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Walk to Portola to Starbucks. Timothy and Anthony there. Anthony looking very hot in tight jeans. When I come in my mask is off so Anthony says, “Mike, will you put on your mask please?” Which I do. Then I say, “Now you know what my face looks like.” #43 home. Almost trip over coffee table in p.m.

May 31 dream:  Guy in military examining me got my name spelled wrong. He said I was getting too critical. I said, “Precision is important in the military.” He said he was going home.

May 31 dream:  High school senior goes out with older woman. He says, “Do you have any stickies?” Later I see big cockroach on ledge. Worry it will fall on me. (*Relates to Plymouth Avenue guy on June 3, I think. Cockroach is me  possibly getting down on myself for not hitting on him?)

May 30, 2021:  Insight: I haven’t yet accepted the world. If I accept the world, I have to give up God. Perhaps this is what Thane meant when he said to Karen Dahlquist, “That’s right. Force him to make a decision.” Perhaps why my mother’s death didn’t bother me too much. Perhaps why I could never get together with the men I desired. In ’til 4ish. Walk down Ocean. Run into very sweet, cute Asian guy asking for signatures to oust someone from the Board of Education who had made anti-Asian comments. He had on yellow hat and matching mask. Loved to hear him and touch him. Walk up Portola to Mt.D. Then to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” he’s very stand-offish after our intimacy of May 1. Starbucks. I accidentally ask for my banana bread which one of the baristas had already given me. My homeless friend Danny in Starbucks with his cart. I say, “Tomorrow’s Memorial Day. Are you going to be taking the day off?” He says, “Ill probably be here.” #43 home. Follow cute black guy across Ocean Avenue. He leads me to another cuter black guy with long dreds. I follow him in to resto.

May 30 dream:  On my way out of job get in argument with two girls I never really liked or respected.

May 30 dream:  Exhibit of men fake-fighting with each other. I say, “It’s like fake-loving.”

May 30 dream:  Alarm goes off in dream.

May 29, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Acme clothing store at Mission and Geneva. Cute guy there comments on my pants. Said Dickies are not as flexible as the pants I have on (my Adidas). Walk to Excelsior library. Sweet librarian there. Walk to G.P. Then up Joost to Safeway. Woman in frozen meat section. I ask her where the sausages are. Turned out she was right in front of them. Then she points out the exact type of sausage I was looking for. I said, “I knew I should have asked you!” After, I was so happy I skipped down the next aisle. #43 home. Lots of “emergency” calls from Apple today.

May 29 dream:  President Biden says that young man was able to delay his cancer for a day to say good-bye. (h.o.)

May 29 dream:  Boy and girl from opposite families are going on trip. Mother leaves at 1:20. Two kids bump into each other. Spill grape juice on each other and laugh tit off.

May 29 dream:  John sitting at end of table in cafe. When I look back, he’s replaced by somebody else.

May 29 dream:  Carol Carter and other Prosperos show up for assembly at old Louvre in Paris.

May 29 dream:  Voice says, “It’ll be over soon.”

May 28, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola. Fire engine out of Portola Drive fire station. Seamus and Anthony at Starbucks. Anthony tells me his roommate is going home. I say, “Why aren’t you going home?” he says, “You may have noticed. I was out a few days.” I laugh, “No, I didn’t notice.” #43 home. Cute guy on bus. Accident at Monterey and Plymouth. Prosperos Roundtable at 5:30 8 people there. Joe C. shares that he has been diagnosed with lung and brain cancer. Janet reports that Ned has apparently tested free of cancer. (*Accident at Monterey and Plymouth relates to Suzanne? Also relates to last dream of May 27, I think.)

May 28 dream:  Trying to go back to work. Can’t find place.

May 28 dream:  I’m alone at my new job. Move VW bug I’m sleeping in out of the center of the street. Lots of kids outside on the street sitting in rows of chairs in bright colors in Chinatown. I think it would make a great photo.

May 27, 2021:  Irene Smith online memorial at 3 p.m. Over 100 attended. What a woman. What a life. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Then Starbucks Portola. #43 home.

May 27 dream:  Cathy W. gives “old guy” a chance. He declines and she dresses in full Muslim attire.

May 27 dream:  Get lost in Napa Valley town. Try to find bus back to S.F.

May 26, 2021:  See something erotic online. Get into it. Get phone call. Have “psychic sex” with whoever called. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. My gay friend there ignores me. Go to G.P. Talk with Lee’s mom. See Anne Bollman lookalike. Go to G.C.P. Strange assignation with guy on rock and his dog and passing guy and his dog. Then M.S. Talk with my cashier friend about Jackson on the $20. We both agree we like Benjamins better. Danny, my homeless friend. Timothy and Anthony at Starbucks. Talk more with Anthony about his family and about his hair. I say, “You look Black.” #43 home. My Plymouth Avenue friend on board. I change seats to sit across from where he’s standing. Look up “pass” in p.m. May relate to me “passing” as a human being.

May 26 dream:  Virginia Wolfe (played by Elizabeth Taylor) is not happy. Another TV show about to start but I wasn’t interested.

May 26 dream:  Guy jokes that he worked in the S.F. main library in ’65. He says “Nobody’s that old.”

May 25, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. to Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. Nasty woman at bus stop Nasty woman on bus. Follow cute guy into W.F. Run into Isaiah. Email Maureen in p.m.

May 25 dream:  Things not adding up. I’m $2,017 short.

May 25 dream:  I am in a rooming house next to a resto. John is directly across the hall from me. There are no walls. Only windows. My roommate comes in just as I’m about to take a shower in the corner of the room. He barges ahead of me. I say, “I guess we’ll just have to take a shower together.” Lettuce on shower head.

May 24, 2021:  12:30 p.m therapy appointment with Troy. I share my RHS of my father and hint that I may be emotionally done with him. He’s doubtful. (*See first dream of May 23.) On way home, walk backwards, checking out guy on Market. Slip and fall on my back. Hurt my hands. Walk thru Castro. Pass J’s bar and J’s store. Up Market to Starbucks Portola. Seamus, Anthony and Timothy there. Anthony shares that he comes from a family of 7 kids, but not all from the same mother. (*Shits from hier relate to my talk with Anthony, I think.) #43 home. Cute young boy with black shorts from May 13 onboard without his mother. I sit across from him.

May 24 dream:  Big convention weekend. Course in Miracles there with us. We are walking down street. I say to woman, “This is your big weekend.” She says, “Yeah, it’s long division.” I say, “I don’t know what that is.” Oprah Winfrey says, “I don’t either.” Black guy from our group says [of Oprah], “She’s a superstar.” I say, “So are you.”

May 24 dream:  Secret service men swarm my apt. Come in thru the balcony. President is on his way, I guess.

May 23, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior. Feel “shitty.” Come back. Take shit. Walk down Ocean and up to Monterey to Safeway. Jason and Patrick and woman I like there. Remake potato salad with hard-boiled eggs, bleu cheese, and vegetarian baco-bits. It was good. Insight: My desire to fix things (COVID, my family, etc.) gets me into trouble. RHS my father in p.m.

May 23 dream:  Father Paul died and I put that in a little song I composed. (He was really a bastard.) Other people say that he’s not dead. (*Relates to RHS of my father on May 23?)

May 23 dream:  Guy visits beautiful home of English world leaders in L.A. Someone knocks on his door. It’s his assassin, a dark, well-dressed man warning him that he doesn’t have much time left.

May 23 dream:  Four “family” items I’m supposed to take care of.

May 22, 2021:  9 a.m. Translation workshop. Seven in attendance. Geek Squad came at 11:30ish to install my new router. After, take nap. Dream my new phone explodes. (*See nap dream of May 22.) In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Thinking about this dream and realizing it had nothing to do with my new router. It had to do with something I had been asking my unconscious for for years: a memory of what happened with my father. And the memory was being very happy with something. Then having an unexpected [emotional] explosion. Then realized it also relates to what happened to me with the J&J “pause.” I had been very pleased that I had taken the vaccine and “done the right thing.” Then was blind-sided by the J&J “pause,” just like I was blind-sided by my phone exploding in my dream. Just like I was blind-sided by my father when he turned a happy moment for me into a scary, ugly and shocking moment of betrayal. As I was thinking this, woman crossing Monterrey smiles at me. Joke with Lee at G.P about Jackson being on the both $10 and $20 bills. Then distant hawk at G.C.P. Then Starbucks. Timothy and Adam there but we didn’t talk. Danny, my homeless friend. #43 home. Sit near two skateboarders. Then move to front of the bus to sit near beautiful young Asian man, only to also sit next to “sleepy” Asian guy from hier. Call Sarah when I get home. Insight: Maybe reason I was so anxious and happy to be with my father was so I could forget my own ego-reaction to my mother’s death.

May 22 nap dream:  The new phone I bought just blew up.

May 22 dream:  At party in big house, trying to throw away garbage. Couldn’t find place. Also had mouthful of glass.

May 21, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Follow same black security guard as hier. I fantasize about him dancing at a strip club. He enters pizza joint and looks at me and smiles. (*Relates to last dream of May 20? Especially the part of guys trying to attack me.) Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa to M.S. Shits at M.S. I ask for $20 cash back. Cashier jokes, “Here’s your Jackson.” I try to think of who’s on the $100 bill cut can’t. Feel bad ’cause I really wanted to joke with this cashier. Later at #43 bus stop, guy walks behind me. I do double take. He’s very masculine guy waring a dress. I follow him for a few blocks, trying to catch up with him. I just missed him, just like with the cashier. But, like the cashier, I think he knew that I loved him. #43 home. Sit across from cute sleepy Asian guy. See “Your health is going to improve” on bus. Prosperos Roundtable at 5:30. 11 attended including Julia Yepez-Macbeth from Brooklyn. I asked her about Chris Hinrichs. Tried to make potato salad in p.m.

May 21 dream:  No newspapers. I’m alone in the house with Liz and Suzanne(?) I say, “Wouldn’t it be nice during this time of crisis to be in touch with what’s going on?”

May 21 dream:  Was going to do operation to improve my voice. It was beginning to sound way too complicated so at the end I had pretty much decided to cancel the whole thing.

May 20, 2021:  Shits about 2:30 p.m. Insight: What is the intelligence of my body trying to tell me? To paraphrase Shakespeare, “This tarantula (*See dreams of May 14) I claim my own.” Blame comes from the word blaspheme. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Follow cute young h.s. student carrying his guitar case. Up Ulloa to Starbucks. #43 home. Rude Asian lady makes me think maybe I should check out the rest of the bus. I do. Find the smiling eyes of Kenneth (according to his name tag). Translate “The body is physical.”  Conclusion:  Truth is the body of effortless consciousness.

May 20 dream:  “The Ability to Eat Horseshit” book.

May 20 dream:  Tell dark-haired guy, “ I don’t care what you do. I just want to be with you.” As I say this, I press two pieces of burnt toast on each side of his head.

May 20 dream:  Drive baby blue car which I’ve had for some time. Some guys try to attack me. I pass big truck that everybody thinks is hauling a shark. Turn up Van Ness and have trouble getting traction on my bike.

May 19, 2021:  Hugh John calls in a.m., telling me that his sister’s granddaughter died after a drowning incident. Later his sister Maureen called. (*See last dream of May 18.) In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. On to G.P. Lee there. On to G.C.P. As I reach top of stairs on exiting the park, small boy with blond hair and green sweater runs up and greets me. I greet him back. His mother is several yards behind. On to Starbucks. Timothy there. #43 home. W.F. Home.

May 19 dream:  Big presidential event tomorrow. Press is waiting with camera outside our door in the lobby. Later they are let in to eat some bean dish from the fridge. Someone sees a cockroach. I think they are always around.

May 19 dream:  Run into my sister Laurie at store. She admits she bought something warm colored even though the colors are cool this season (or vice versa).

May 18, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. As I walk out lobby, beautiful young man is holding a couch. I say, “Are you moving in or moving out?” He says, “I’m moving my family in to the 2nd floor.” I say, “Oh, I’m on the third.” Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa. Translating “pain” and ‘fear” along the way. Starbucks. #43 home. Find textbook on human sexuality on outside table of W.F. Insight: Now that I have lost my father, my fear is having to stand on my own two feet.

May 18 dream:  Up at some resort. Misplace both my credit cards. Suddenly my family appears. Then bunch of friends in military uniforms. I was glad to see both of them.

May 18 dream:  Kiss girl on forehead. I wanted to kiss her on the lips but that wasn’t allowed. Her whole face was like a yellow mask. We were supposed to get married. We were all laughing about something. Then we stopped. I rush across the street to resto next to shop I wanted to go to.

(*Relates to talking with Maureen M. this a.m.?)

May 17, 2021:  Insight: Connection between contamination by J&J and contamination by my father? 12:30 therapy session with Troy. About 1:20 get in touch with my grief about the loss of my father. When I get home, there’s a blank phone message at about 1:19. Walk home via Castro and Market. Stop by M.S. Then Seamus at Starbucks. #43 home.

May 17 dream:  We’re getting ready to do big show. I’m going to be the MC. Somebody asks me to pay $20 to someone named Negy, who sounds slightly familiar. I check to make sure that I have both sets of keys.

May 17 dream:  Take off on every-two-week trip to Sacramento. Only two other passengers, including a bratty girl.

May 17 dream:  At party pass pile of bikini-clad women. Cute, nice guy I liked touched my fingers and said, “Maybe we can get in on some of that skin-on-skin action.” I said, “Okay” and followed him into room with more people sitting around.

May 16, 2021:  RHS group at 3 p.m. Fun group. 7 people attended. Walk down Ocean to Monterey to Safeway. Cute guy ignored my glances. Later I see that he is whipped by his wife. Jason there. #43 home.

May 16 dream:  Calvin very pushy at my table. We’re waiting for something to happen. He asks me to go through big thick magazine ad and find the $9 glasses. Crowd is thinning out.

May 15, 2021:  Window washers wake me up at 8:30. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa to M.S. Portola. Get in line which spits between Maggie and “Sir Allen.” I wanted to talk with Sir Allen but Maggie’s line opened up first. So I talked with her. Later saw Sir Allen kind of dancing down the aisle. Adam at Starbucks talks bout biotechnology, his major at SF State. #43 home. Look up tarantula. The spider bite causes involuntary body movements (especially during the 15th to 17th century in southern Italy). (*Realize this related to my tarantula dreams of last night.)

May 15 dream:  Crew trying to repair me inside. (h.o.)

May 15 dream:  15 hats need to be eaten to win the game. The “terminator” doesn’t want me to eat the hats.

May 15 dream:  The other side has tanks. We are protected by empty swimming pools.

May 15 dream:  They arrive. The building shakes. Kids scream.

May 14, 2021:  In ’til 3:20. Walk to Jun’s for haircut. Wonderful, fun time with Jun, as usual. Walk to G.P. Sit down in Cafe Bello for first time since March 2020. Then to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. Walk home. Turn corner at Ocean Avenue. Check out cute guy smoking. He says threateningly, “Yeah?” I wave back. (*Relates to guy hier yelling at me for walking in front of his truck, I think.) Continue down Ocean. Check out bunch of skateboarders running to Balboa Skatepark. One of them looks back. Walk to W.F. Learn they re not going to re-open the W.F. cafe. Sad/bad news for neighborhood. They’re going to make it into an Amazon Prime center. Prosperos Roundtable at 5:30. Tom C. there. I share the many men who have impacted my life and vice versa.

May 14 dream:  I may have been in touch with a tarantula which could jeopardize the project.

May 14 dream:  Someone may have given my location to tarantula so my mission may be compromised.

May 14 dream:  New guy gets on elevator. Other new guy joins him. When the door opens, first new guy is putting his underwear back on. I am outraged. First new guy doesn’t seem to mind as much as me.

May 13, 2021:  In’ til 3ish. Walk to Portola to Starbucks. Seamus there. Also Danny, the homeless guy. Guy yells at me for walking in front of his truck. I wave back. #43 home. Cute young boy in black shorts with his mother. My Best Buy router arrives. Spend about an hour or two trying to install. Then made appointment with The Geek Squad.

May 13 dream:  Looking to possibly rent apartment in building owned by Bill Floyd’s parents, Liz and Jack. Also maybe a studio owned by The Prosperos. Jack said he learned something a few yeas ago when I declined his apartment.

May 13 dream:  Writer friend of mine thinks I should be called Rick Arm so he can remember my name better.

May 13 dream:  Go to night club.

May 12, 2021:  Order Monkeybrains wifi. Get all worked up/stressed out about installation of router. Online appointment with my VA primary at 10:30 a.m. He agrees that my symptoms are probably psychosomatic beginning with the J&J pause on April 13. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa to M.S. Portola. Pass cute guy talking with two girls. I go to M.S. Later girls leave guy in front of Starbucks. As I go in, his mask is off and his face is beautiful. I admire him and he smiles back. I go on into Starbucks. Timothy and Kaleb there. As I come out, same guy is walking down the sidewalk with great difficulty and effort. My heart immediately goes out to him. He struggles into M.S. I want to follow him but I realize that the moment has passed. #43 home. See “Prepare to meet your king” in Aquarian Gospel.

May 12 dream:  End of show. Guy asks for blue sombrero.

May 12 dream:  Something about Blossom Street.

May 12 dream:  Head up to my new job on 37th floor. Playfully bump into Barry Bram in the lobby. My left arm is smudged. Elevator is like a roller coaster. Arrives at 35. Nannie there, looking old. Still have to figure out how to get to 37.

May 11, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Accidentally throw away my umbrella. Go to W.G. to buy new one. Then W.P. Then Ulloa. See “Pat” written etched in the sidewalk. Think I should probably visit him at CVS. So I do. He told me he hasn’t yet taken any vaccine. I told him of my troubles with J&J. I also told him, “You look great.” On to Starbucks. Kaleb there said they’re looking into re-opening. #43 home. My Plymouth Avenue friend on board. I follow him briefly after we get off bus.

May 10, 2021:  Translate my call from Wilson Fong, that I didn’t think he would be helpful in any way. Then he didn’t call (as I hoped). Therapy session at 12:30. Good session. At the end, I share my feeling of protectiveness for the men who offered to have sex with me. My therapist repeated it back to me. And expanded on why I may have felt so protective, that is, because of the era I grew up in, and especially the relationship between me and my father. So in spite of the sexual freedom which surfaced for me in 1969 and ’70, underneath (at an unconscious level) were the same old fears which I wanted to protect myself and others from. (*See 2nd dream of May 9.) Gay man dressed in black as I leave therapy session. He sneezes when I pass him. Walk up Market to Castro. Pass J’s bar and J’s store. Up Market to Starbucks Portola. Anthony there. #43 home. Shits on getting home. Call VA to remake VA appointment with Fong on Wednesday.

May 10 dream:  Got handout on Shakespeare which I had already seen.

May 10 dream:  Taking woman and little boy out to eat at “Comes” resto. It’s raining hard.

May 10 dream:  Proofreading something and falling asleep.

May 9, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Feeling not much better. Lots of body pains, etc. Walk down Ocean and up Monterey to Safeway. Guy with “We Grow Farmers” T-shirt at Safeway. Female cashier Bobby asks me how my day was. I say, “Rough.” On way home, see sign saying, “It won’t be like this forever.” Take that as a sign from the Universe. This was a sign which I missed on April 29, when I got off #43 bus early.

May 9 dream:  Visiting too cool guy who wore satin multi-colored Nehru jacket. Later everybody got under the covers except me. See parade outside the window marching down S.F. street. I tried to get away but my little toes were caught in the sheets.

May 9 dream:  S.F. Bay is clear water you can see thru. (*Relates to insight from therapy session on May 10 that it may have been my protectiveness of the men who offered to have sex with me which prevented me from having sex with them.)

May 9 dream:  See Louis Armstrong at his day job. He’ll be playing somewhere tonight.

May 8, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. I briefly share my Translation of “I need to rely on others for health, support and love.” Later realized I felt really good after female VA advice nurse told me hier that my symptoms are not unusual. Later still realized it was like a parent telling their child that they’re okay after skinning their knees. So what would prevent that from happening? Maybe I felt I didn’t’ deserve a mother’s love. Why not? Well, ’cause when my real mother was shot dead in front of me at age 8, all I could think was,, “At last, I’m going to be famous.” The police had arrived. The press had arrived. So I thought maybe the pains I’m feeling (or allowing myself to feel) relate to some sort of self-punishment for my ego-centered and petty reaction to my mother’s death. What would I think of somebody else who behaved that way, even at the age of 8? One of the reasons I love John and people like him is ’cause no matter what else they may be guilty of, they’d never react to their mother’s death the way I did. Can I ever forgive myself? Maybe not. But I can “give for.” That is, give up my old identity as person, place or thing for a new understanding of myself as mind unfolding. Left home about 4ish. Went to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee there, but no Chrons. Guy on Arbor Street cleaning his car. I compliment him on his beautiful car. He’s the one with two snappy, noisy little dogs. On to G.C.P. Then M.S. Got “Perfect” at Starbucks. Assume that related to the RHS I just spoke of. #43 home. Sit next to beautiful young guy who touches my leg as he leaves.

May 8 dream:  Getting married to kind of cute but strange guy who said he didn’t want to. Then said he did. Arrive at gay bar. Bill Murray was there.

May 8 dream:  Volunteer at small newsletter job in Berkeley. All women. Leigh B. works there. I call Richard B. and lose him on the phone. I think sometimes he deliberately tries to confuse things. Black woman there I like. Someone suggests they hire Richard to add “wit” to the newsletter. I think, “I have wit. I’d like to work here.” I take off for a break, even though I’d already had lunch.

May 7, 2021:  Talk to advice nurse at VA. Feel better. Heather calls. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean. Cute black guy with “Open Hand” T-shirt (and nice chest) at W.G. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa. Cute blond high school student walking between two girls trips and smiles at me. Kaleb and barista sing “Happy Birthday” to me at Starbucks. Get free latte. Prosperos Roundtable in p.m. Good discussion. 10-11 people there.

May 7 dream:  Go out on “date” with two girls from the same house as mine. They are royalty. When i get back, I eat something.

May 7 dream:  Nancy Lee and Richard (from “Keeping Up Appearances”) are doing Christian Science work on someone. Richard gave me her two Christian Science books.

May 7 dream:  New … in … I don’t spend much time at.

May 7 dream:  Wild white horse on farm. Owner asks somebody to take a photo. I do. Horse turned out to have the face of an old woman.

May 6, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Seamus there. #43 home. Young black-haired guy ignores my glances. Insight: Refused all the men in my life ’cause I was married to my father, at least in my mind. Also, if I got together with my father (metaphorically), my step-mother would kill me (or have my father kill me).

May 5, 2021:  Shits around noon. Listen to father’s oral history tapes. Two hours. Thought I would hate it (and him), but generally liked him. The tapes were done in 1989, when he was 73. Things I never knew before: He almost got into Stanford in 1937 and he and his parents had a weekend house in Atherton. He left out any mention of his first wife, his first son or his second (me). As a person, though, he seemed likable but weak. He didn’t seem like the very frightening person I remember. (*Relates to “President dies” dream of April 20?) In ’til 3:45 or so. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to M.S. Timothy, Seamus and Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home.

May 5 dream:  Cartoon-like characters: The teacher talks to all of us. To me he says, “Finish your story.” I go home and am told that my father is finishing my story. Beethoven’s 9th in the background.

May 5 dream:  Traveling thru desert town with Tom C. and others. Tom said some other guy would have wanted to go to a bar. Mountain there was one used in movie logo.

May 4, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior. Skateboarder with beautiful eyes who I’d seen before, on Ocean Avenue. Then tall, well-built Latino man smiling as I check him out, at Lee. Later I cross Ocean to pass well-defined Latino in muscle T-shirt. He looks at me blankly as I look at him. Later, I cross Ocean again to check out two young skateboarders. Woman with cleavage smiles at me. I smile back, under my mask. Excelsior library. G.P. Caught between two or three barking dogs on Arbor Street. Then G.C.P. Then hawk followed by two screeching crows on Amber Drive. Then hawk alone. As I pass M.S., Seamus says hello to me. I didn’t recognize him at first. Starbucks. #43 home. Follow my Plymouth Avenue friend into W.F. and out (*See diary of April 27). Insight: Realize that if my therapist is correct and I really did dissociate, that my father was the only person who could have told the truth about what he did, and he never did. He went to his death without telling the truth that would have healed our family. And gaslighting me and anybody else who didn’t accept his “truth.” And I went along with it as much as I could, ’til I could get away from him.

May 4 nap dream:   Driving home, have trouble getting back into my body.

May 4 dream:  Amy Goodman stops by the house as I’m trying to type something.

May 3, 2021:  Submit HWTS request for J&J post-vaccine symptoms. In ’til 11:30 or so. Take BART downtown for therapy session with Troy. Get there about an hour early. Walked around downtown. Session got things going for me. Felt pretty good. (*Relates to “3 weeks” from April 6?) Blondish, 50ish, guy at Van Ness and Market. We were both thrilled at seeing each others. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Later run into Brett, a street artist, again. (*See diary of March 25.) Walk by J’s bar and J’s store. Buy $9.88 mocha drink in the Castro. Walk up Market to Starbucks Portola. Timothy very happy to see me. Seamus, too. Anthony there. I ask him about his ’60s class. He says he’s working on a website for the class. I say, “I was there!” Watch “Conversations with God” in p.m. Insight: I really do believe I came from God. When I said in my HWTS request, “You said it’d be safe.” I was referring to the authorities who said J&J would be safe. But also to The Authority: God?

May 3 dream:  Preparing package for delivery. Is it a rape kit?

May 3 dream:  Clear up somebody’s room. Shut door with flair. Then remember I left my keys inside. Elizabeth (from “Keeping Up Appearances”) says it happens all the time. I try to climb up escalator which is loaded with thrown away food and going down. I don’t make much progress.

May 2, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Decide not to attend RHS workshop. Shits just before I leave. Walk down Ocean behind good-looking guy on his way to 24 Hour Fitness. I fantasize about taking his pants down. When he gets to gym, he holds door open for me, as I pass on. Onward to W.P. Get call from Sarah as I walk up Ulloa and down Teresita to Safeway. Nice, short conversation with Nur. Female cashier next to him says, “Everybody wants to talk with Nur.”

May 1, 2021:  [I was so busy catching up with online work hier, I forgot Prosperos Roundtable.] Wake up to fire alarm around 8 a.m. Bills. Monthly BB. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior. Three moving vans outside my apartment building. Cold, windy day. Excelsior library. Then G.P. No Chrons. Go to G.C.P. Then M.S. “Sir Allen” loves me with his eyes. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Rude black father and his spoiled daughter.

May 1 dream:  Wake up early in prison of some sort. Want to make sure I’m not late for appointment.

May 1 dream:  See “Jesus Christ” on glass door.

May 1 dream:  Man throwing blue globe down shaft. It doesn’t fall straight down.

April 30, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. I take #49 at noon for jury duty. See a 4th story being added to Nannie’s old place at Mission & Cortland. Go to jury room about 45 minutes early. As soon as we all sign in, we are told we can go home. Applause ensues. Walk home via Market. Pass J’s bar and J’s store in the Castro. On walk up Market do Crown Mysteries (“Let there be wisdom. And there is wisdom.”) Later review my J&J history. I wasn’t really enthused about getting the vaccine but I wanted to get it over with, which only led to further problems. I asked myself, “When has this happened before?” Realized this is probably what happened with my father. I was willing to go along, just to get it over with, but that led to even more problems. Remembered Steve Hines quote I used on the BB: “Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situations again to see if you’re still a dumbass.” (*Relates to 7 hawks from April 27?) Seamus at Starbucks. Get cafe latte and brownie instead of my usual matcha green tea latte and blueberry scone. #43 home.

April 30 dream:  On bus trip somewhere, tell someone about my purchase of Rachmaninoff record album. He’s not pleased.

April 30 dream:  Teaching Translation to school kids in two separate rooms.

April 29, 2021:  Do a good Translation of “contaminate.” It leads to integral/untouched. Being touched implies duality. (*Relates to 7 hawks from April 27?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P Boulevard. Continue Translation. My conclusion: Truth can only touch Itself. Then up Ulloa. Kaleb and Adam at Starbucks. #43 home. Get off bus early. See “Take the High Road” painted on crosswalk. Get Bernie doll from Nancy O. for my 75th birthday.

April 29 dream:  I am waiting for a particular train which has already been sent on its way. (h.o.)

April 29 dream:  Out of four young men in very tight, ball-hugging clothes, we were asked which one was wearing a dildo. I guessed the first guy. I was right. (h.o.)

April 29 dream:  Attend high school band concert. When girl flautist has a solo, male band conductor goes back and kisses her. Later I tell my cousins, “I hope they have the same policy when it’s a male flautist.” My cousins get quite upset.

April 28, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk out to Portola. Follow cute delivery person to W.P. Boulevard. As I turn back, see beautiful, long-haired guy walking away from me. I could tell from his carriage that he was really worth trying to meet. So I will change my route to include W.P. Boulevard ’til I do meet up with him. (*Relates to seven hawks from hier?) Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks. Timothy there. #43 home. Looking into my laptop camera for Zoom meeting of Jamaal Bowman’s speech, my right eye looked back at me, just like my father: cruel yet self-pitying.

April 28 dream:  See Eric Newton at gay bar. He’s gained a few pounds, but still looks good. We exchange glances briefly.

April 27, 2021:  Email from Political Bob about all the deaths and illnesses caused by the various COVID vaccines in Europe got me to realizing how vulnerable I have made myself to suggestion. This is something certainly worth ridding myself of, I realized. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Very cute librarian there i’d never seen before. Walk to G.P. Seven hawks flying overhead on Arbor Street. Dog excited to see me at G.C.P. Second dog gives me stick to throw, which I do. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Sweet, rich, young man gets off on Yerba Buena Avenue. Second guy gets off at my stop. I follow him to Plymouth Drive. Had seen him before.

April 27 dream:  Tom O. and I working in mechanic’s shop for our parents. Tom says we should take a late lunch and just take off for the rest of the day. I agree. I accidentally misplace my jacket. Tom suggests I may have left at one of the places we stopped by earlier.

April 27 dream:  For some reason, I agreed to have sex with Marion Bell, so we meet at hotel. I run into Patrice Roemer who seems enthused about the idea. Our “room” is just a bed in the hallway with lots of other people in others beds. Marion is very old and frail and I’m practically a virgin with women.

April 27 dream:  Me and guy from Bay Times and woman all decide to meet in far away beach area of S.F. I’d never seen before. Before, we discussed Trump supporter we still liked.

April 26, 2021:  In ’til 1:30ish. Take K downtown. Tour studio apartment at Trinity Place (8th and Market). They are charging $1,700 per month for 320 square feet. I liked the walk-in shower. Otherwise, I don’t think so. Walk up Market to Castro. Pass bicyclist with helmet who looked a lot like John. I turned around. He smiled. I smiled and waved. Car approached as I was in the middle of a crosswalk. He seemed concerned. I wasn’t. Walk by J’s bar and J’s store in the Castro. Sweet little dog in the window on Castro. Friendly, big, old black dog on 19th Street. Continue walk up Market. Black guy nods at me. See “New York” etched in sidewalk. (*Relates to first dream of April 25?) Norrel at M.S. Anthony at Starbucks. He told me he lived in a 5-member household. #43 home.

April 26 dream:  Me defending Catholic Church. I say, “The Catholic Church has been here since the year zero.”

April 26 dream:  My father building swimming pool in middle of street intersection for all to enjoy.

April 26 dream:  Go to hip after-hours bar with three others.

April 26 dream:  Compose popular song in my head. Try to write it down. Meet young woman at party. I really like her. I show her book on science which I didn’t understand. She explained that it shows that in all the great problems of history, there was always a solution even though they may not have seen it. I kissed her. She said, “Don’t start that.” I said, “I didn’t think about it.”

April 25, 2021:  Richard Tarnas speaks of initiation rites on YouTube. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Portola Drive. Nice, handsome, rich guy on San Benito greets me. Bratty kid at Starbucks looks at me and whispers to his mother. Kaleb at Starbucks. Good-looking Asian man on my way down Portola to #43 bus stop. I’d seen him before. He was with his wife and daughter but appreciated my attention. #43 home.

April 25 dream:  Guy reading map which points to New York City and says, “One of the most important meetings in the history of mankind.” Guy overhears … circles area with yellow felt pen repeating the name of the man who said it, “Scully.”

April 25 dream:  Take ride from first person I can. He’s a bad driver and maybe more. I decide to get out at next stop light.

April 24, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. Later Google “pins and needles.” Discover it is a symptom of panic attack. Nap from 1:45 to 3:15. Guy from apartment above me moving out? Walk to Excelsior library. Line too long to wait for my one book. Walk to G.P. Cute young guy standing on sidewalk., looking at his cellphone. He smiles at me. I buy Chron and walk past him again. Then to Safeway. Check out with girl named Bobby. Then see my friend Nur (*See diary of February 7) at next checkout line. Missed him. Wait at Gennessee & Monterey for #43 bus. Friendly, unleashed dog comes toward me. Smells my groceries and leaves. Later friendly guy with two friends smiles at me. Walk home with my three bags of groceries.

April 24 dream:  Thane arrives early. He says, “Did you get the photos done?” I lie and say, “Mostly. The personal ones.” He says, “Follow me.” I follow him to basement. He walks fast. We pass some religious folk. He gives them cards to pass out. They don’t want to. He (a much younger man now) and I walk on. I think, “I’ve really got to pay attention to everything he says and does.”

April 24 dream:  I win $10,000 and some drugs. Little scamp trying to take flags from me. He’s put on an impromptu trial.

April 24 dream:  Bicyling through Belgium or one of those Nordic countries.

April 23, 2021:  Rough nite last nite aftet taking multi-vitamin. Up “early” at 9:45 a.m. Short nap. In ’til 4ish. Walk up to M.S. Portola. Cold day. “Sir Allen” at M.S. I was excited to see him and vice versa. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Starbucks. #43 home. Prosperos Roundtable. 11 people. Talk about fresh vegetables. Call Sarah later to get Translation sense testimony for tomorrow. (Sense testimony: People resist new paradigms.)

April 23 dream:  A lot of us  sit down to eat. Then many of them go up the hill (on La Brea?) to sit down with their food. I decide to join them.

April 22, 2021:  Really happy that jury duty is next Friday at 440 McAllister instead of tomorrow at 855 Brannon. Shits at 3ish, just before leaving. Walk to Excelsior library. Walk to G.P. Talk to Lee’s mom. Hawk at G.C.P. Then beautiful, mixed race motorcyclist on Amethyst Way. He told me about his three motorcycles and said to me, “It’s never too late.” (*Relates to hawk and crow from Portola Drive hier, I think.) Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Cute young boy with glasses avoided my glances.

April 22 dream:  At family reunion, my father there. I stick up for the school he, I and guy named Clint went to. It seems Clint and I had the possibility of some sort of relationship. When he leaves, he kisses girl in kitchen good-bye. Then kisses me good-bye. And gives himself the middle finger as if to say, “Fuck me.” And kind of shrugs in apology. Ben G. there, too?

April 22 dream:  Big disagreement between two buildings in L.A. Manager asks everyone to come out in the street to talk about it. I tell a friend, “I’ve never seen—well, maybe once or twice—something like this happening in S.F.”

April 22 dream:  My brother bought a park bench in London just in case…

April 21, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Two beautiful guys in W.G. One Asian. One Latino. Big German shepherd. Very friendly. I wave. He barks. Hawk and crow over Portola Drive. Starbucks. #43 home. John Cade at W.F. bakery. Shits on getting home. Jerk off later.

April 21 dream:  Have nice talk with my cousins and their family. They like my apartment. So do I. I take off for a run.

April 20, 2021:  Fill out online jury questionnaire. In ’til 3ish. Cold and windy day. Walk up Portola Drive. At last minute decide to go to CVS to get walnuts. See my friend Pat. He greets me as I enter store. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) I wait in line for several minutes so I can talk to him. He looks really beautiful today. Find out he got J&J as well. Then Starbucks. Meet Seamus. #43 home. Insight: Since my father was now fucking me, I must be my mother. Since she was now dead, I took on her identity.

April 20 dream:  Trying to put picture back in place. Some bugs still around. (*Relates to memory of last night, I think.)

April 20 dream:  Even though I didn’t win contest, other two gave me their turkey dinner. So much food it was overflowing my plate. And my hands were more than full.

April 20 dream:  President dies. Only one of three living presidents shows up for funeral. I visit friend’s apartment. Look for bowl. Only one dusty bowl in cabinet of the right size. I take it out. Walk to empty lobby. Two young black aboriginals have started fire in pit in which they are seated. They laugh gleefully that all will soon burn down, though the fire appears to be ebbing, and I walk towards the other side of the room where there’s a fire extinguisher on the wall. (*Relates to memory of last night as well, I think.)

April 19, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to M.S. Portola. RHSing the FDA and the CDC and my father for betraying my trust and feigning they/he did it out of “love.” Hawk at San Benito and Ocean. Asian guy in line in front of me at M.S. smiles at me. Then Maggie makes a point of saying hello to me. Nice barista at Starbucks who asked if my day was as “productive” as it was hier. Find key at stoplight. #43 home. Learn Cenk Uygur also had the J&J vaccine. Tough night getting to sleep. I am getting tenser and tenser. Feel like I’m about to explode or implode. I finally get up around 2:30 a.m. and start shaking uncontrollably. I think I’m dying ’cause of J&J vaccine I got two weeks ago. I call VA. Barry talks me down and eventually I stop shaking. Barry convinces me it’s not the J&J. Later I realize it’s the memory I’ve been asking my unconscious for for months. It’s the memory of how I felt about my father. And I was scared to death. I continued my RHS, releasing my father as an out-picturing of my own young awareness. I always made a big deal about remembering how I came from God. But I was willing to give all that up (my divine Father, if you will) for the prospective love of my father.

April 19 dream:  Eating fake bacon sandwich. Janet Cornwell takes a piece of my bacon. Tom C. there also.

April 19 dream:  Clean, clear swimming pool. (*Relates to RHS of my father. See diary of April 19.)

April 19 dream:  Right wing candidates and one Democrat win initial election.

April 19 dream:  Working on political campaign with two guys. They mentioned that Barry Goldwater did something. I say, “Barry Goldwater, Senior?” They say, “Yes.” I say, “I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for him ’cause he stood up for his gay grandson.” We go into resto. Two cute little boys dressed in black uniforms with ties rush up to us. Woman talks with them.

April 18, 2021:  Get up early. Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. Ben leads us in “Spontaneous Conversation” which wasn’t all that spontaneous. 23 or 24 in attendance. It inspired me, though, with a SynCon idea to have a SponCon SynCon: A Spontaneous Conversation Synergetic Convergence. Take nap. Then RHS workshop at 3 p.m. John A. talks about a “sob” which he was frightened to experience. Walk to Starbucks Portola about 4ish. See beautiful Asian guy on way up. Then Anthony (briefly) at Starbucks. #43 home. See beautiful Asian guy again. Get off bus and follow him for a while down Plymouth. Email Rick with my SponCon SynCon idea. Donald Hoffman on YouTube talks about the exhilaration and terror of consciousness exploration, like what I experienced with John in January ’87 at Unitarian Church. Insight: My hypochondria related to my fear of my father?

April 18 dream:  Returning safely. Everyone partying.

April 17, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior, Translating foreign/forest. My conclusion: All is clearing. All is clear. My gay friend at Excelsior library. Lee at G.P. I tell him I had the J&J the day before they stopped it. He said, “You’re lucky.” I said, “I’m not so sure. Now I have a one in a million chance to get a blood clot.” Lee laughed and clapped his hands together loudly. I’d never seen him so animated. “You’ll be fine,” he said. I think it was a mutation from my Translation. Walk to Safeway. Feel sudden shits around 5ish. Take shits in Safeway bathroom. (*Relates to John reading my diary from hier?) Continue shopping. #43 home. Insight: I hang on to my pain ’cause it feels normal to me.

April 17 dream:  Wrestling matches at the sea. When the men wrestled each other, they tore each other’s clothes off. One older man in particular wrestled a younger man and tore his clothes off As I watched I knew I would be humiliated. After which, everyone got bored and went into the ocean for a swim. (*Relates to my father humiliating me in his bedroom in Menlo Park when I was 9 or so?)

April 16, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Earlier got call from VA. Later realized it was probably bogus. (*Relates to “Expect the Unexpected” from April 13?) As I was coming to this realization, walking up Portola Drive, man walking past me waves and smiles, as if in agreement. Anthony at Starbucks. He was juggling all sorts of drinks. I say to him, ”You’re getting very good at this.” He smiles and kind of curtsies. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30. Only seven present.

April 16 dream:  Lots of ham and cheese pizzas before my order. (h.o.)

April 16 dream:  My boss at work, Barry Bram, comes in depressed. I say, “Perhaps we should do some trust exercises.” He says, “My son died today. That the 2nd son of mine to die.” I put my hand on his shoulder. He said he [his son] was out skateboarding and did a risky stunt.

April 16 dream:  Crossing the bay, the sun is still up. I think, “Wow, we really got involved in a school where we were taught how to overcome our past and live in a world of unpredictable possibilities.”

April 15, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to M.S. Portola. Cute Mexican guy with two others at deep hole in alleyway. I say, “It’s deep.” He looks at me in surprise. Maggie at M.S. kind of short with me. But I flirted with her Asian workmate. Starbucks. #43 home. Cute guy gets on. I check him out several times. He pretends not to notice.

April 15 dream:  Someone in our house is having a birthday tomorrow. Woman being doted on by her husband wants to know if somebody will take on the responsibility of making the drinks.

April 15 dream:  Steve H. has this beautiful body he’s never had before. We start kissing. Then we fall asleep. Later I start making out with his body which he really likes. I asked if he went to the gym. “No,” he said. He just worked at jobs that required exercise.

April 15 dream:  Young school girl in the bedroom of most popular guy in school. (*Relates to me in my father’s bedroom back in the ’50s?)

April 15 dream:  Woman on airplane with brand new 45 rpm record player and records.

April 14, 2021:  Glanced at The Aquarian Gospel of Jesus the Christ. Read “And Jesus said, These scribes and Pharisees are not the scions of the tree of life, they are not plants of God; they are the plants of men, and every foreign plant shall be plucked up.” Also read that Gov. Newsom and Pres. Biden had had the J&J shots. That helped me for some reason. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Feeling very horny. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home.

April 14 dream:  Was going to pee into toilet full of dry clothes. Decided not to. Leigh B. there. She gave me a book which I’m very excited about. I’m a little more than half way thru. About attaching electrodes to parts of your body. Leigh said, “I almost went into that.”

April 14 dream:  Talking with Chris Hinrichs. I ask him, “How did you find The Prosperos? Was it Thane?” He said, “No, it was Elaine Peterson.” We were walking back to small gathering of students.

April 13, 2021:  J&J vaccine paused. Steve H. was right. (*See diary of April 9.) While I’m in the middle of freaking out, Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Cute young guy at Portola & O’Shaughnessy. He smiles at me with his eyes. Then sits down on nearby bench. After I don’t approach, he walks down O’Shaughnessy after some other guy. Then Starbucks. Shared my concern about the J&J vaccine with counterperson. #43 home. Nasty woman who gets off at same stop as mine and goes into low-income building next to mine. See “Expect the unexpected.” Translate vaccine. Later hear opinion that the six women who got sick may not even have gotten sick from the vaccine. May be due to birth control pills.

April 12, 2021:  Go to copy place to get label to return my size 36 pants which were too small. Luckily postal worker was sitting in his van with door open and took my package. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Anthony there. We give each other thumbs up. #43 home. See beautiful muscular young guy sitting near doorway, wearing sweat pants and sleeveless sweatshirt. I stand near him rather than taking a seat elsewhere. He asks if I want a seat. I say, “No, thanks.” Then I ask him, “Are you a dancer?” “A what?” he says. “A dancer.” “A what?” “One who dances,” I say. He says, “No.” Then, “Why do you ask?” I say, “Because of your bearing.” Later see that the two girls sitting behind him are with him. They all leave together. When I get home, there’s a blank phone message from 4:38 p.m., almost exactly the time this took place.

April 12 dream:  Friend play fights with me in my bed. I say, “Not here. Now now.” Struggle to wake up.

April 12 dream:  Dance with Lauren S. at party. Actually, we were the only couple dancing.

April 12 dream:  Running thru a national park. I’m AWOL from the military and sooner or later they will probably check up on me.

April 11, 2021:  In ’til 3:45 or so. Walk to M.S. Portola. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Work on book. C.S. Lewis video in p.m.

April 11 dream:  Troupe from Europe getting ready to perform in California. (h.o.)

April 11 dream:  Point to caregiver. “Smarter than you is you,” I tell fellow caregiver. That makes me feel good.

April 11 dream:  The Soviet Union lands on the moon. TV shows reaction of short, Irish woman actor and the audience reaction to her. She says, “From Pittsburg to the Soviet Union” and makes a face of great wonderment.

April 10, 2021:  Translation workshop at 9 a.m. Try to nap later. In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Talk with Lee and his mother about vaccines. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. See Jun walking into his salon. Follow very beautiful tall, young Asian man with sort of pony tail into bread section. I walk near him. He seems undecided. I say, “Lots of choices.” he says, “Yeah, I can’t decide.” I go to banana bin. Want to flee, but stick around until the moment is over. (*Relates to single hawk and circling hawks at G.C.P. on April 7, I think.) Later, mulling this over, get single ring on my land line.

April 10 dream:  J. rushing up stairs to have sex with one or two of his friends.

April 9, 2021:  Center for Humane Technology group online at 10 a.m. Not very impressed for 2nd week in a row. Steve H. calls to tell me that J&J vaccine may cause blood clots. But not to worry. I told him, “I thought it was the AstraZeneca vaccine.” In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Anthony there. He’s friendly but cool. #43 home. Sit near cutish guy. He sticks his butt in my face as he exits. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30. Kind of depressing in that we always seem to talk about the same things: how to reach young people, how to improve our website, etc.

April 9 dream:  Looking for job acting in movies. Tell friend I may not get one. (h.o.)

April 9 dream:  Jonathan F. takes piece of cake from me and stops working for a while.

April 9 dream:  Beautiful woman with soft skin comes up to table I’m standing at. Everyone in the room wants her, including me.

April 8, 2021:  Wake up to a pre-announced 45 minutes fire alarm. Try to take nap later. In ’til 4:15ish. Walk up to Starbucks Portola. Follow guy on Ulloa. Kaleb at Starbucks. I ask about “masculine” guy I met at Starbucks on Tuesday. He said it was probably Victor. Walk to bus stop. Cute, well-built cyclist in Spandex at crosswalk. He goes ahead on red light. I say, “Wait.” he goes again. I say, “Wait.” #43 home. Beautiful guy walking his bike up Plymouth. I debate getting off bus but decide I don’t need to. (*First cyclist relates to first hawk from hier? Second cyclist relates to hawks circling each other hier? No. See diary of April 10.) Cute, confused Asian guy with unzipped pants get on #43 as I get off. (*Relates to how I was feeling?) Shits when I get home.

April 8 dream:  Dream somebody is in my kitchen which is part of a bigger apartment complex. I tell him, “Hey, get out of my kitchen.” I’m about to get up when I wake up.

April 8 dream:  Kamala Harris is hot for me. She wants to stay in the same Ramada that I’m staying in while the hospital takes care of me. Another woman also is hot for me.

April 8 dream:  Something about Craig Northrup?

April 7, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Get my COVID certificate laminated. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then, just as I arrive at G.C.P., one nearby hawk. Then two hawks circling each other. Starbucks. Kitty and other woman. #43 home. I sit next to cute young with glasses on. Then another cute self-assured young man gets on. First guy gets off on Flood. Second guy gets off with me at my stop.

April 7 dream:  At court hearing everyone is very pro-woman including the woman trying to seduce me. She says, “You’re 12.” and I couldn’t disagree.

April 7 dream:  Driving around the edge of Lake Tahoe. People threatening us. General mayhem.

April 7 dream:  Get job at big fancy law firm. Can’t figure out where things are. Finally wander out of the building. Run into young man. We talk. He wanders off. Try to find a place to sort through my papers to find phone number so I can call the temp agency or my employer. Go to part of S.F. I’d never seen before. Lots of very well-dressed people running to make the performance on time. I thought, “I’ve never seen that before.”

April 6, 2021:  Up early to go to VA for COVID shot at 10:45 a.m. Take K to Market and Third. Feel a little “shitty.” Beautiful, tall, dark and handsome man in shorts on Third Street. Get shot. Walk up Market to Laguna. See dead mouse on Market. Still feeling “shitty.” Take K to Portola shopping center. Have nice talk with Maggie at M.S. Then Starbucks. Adam there. He still doesn’t register with me. Other very masculine guy with buzz cut. I’m kind of blown over by him. #43 home. Work online ’til 4ish. Shits at 4ish. Walk to copy place to get my COVID certificate laminated, but they closed at 4. Take nap. Feeling crappy all evening.

April 6 nap dream:  I’m about to join others swimming in elevated, dammed-up ocean, but I get called away. Taking pictures of explosions in the East Bay. Bob Meslinsky arrives in official Red Cross-type outfit. I try to kiss him, then say, ” Oh, I forgot. We aren’t supposed to kiss anymore.”

April 6 dream:  In motorcycle race with two Toms and two others. I’m not racing, just releasing the drivers at the right moment.

April 6 dream:  My employers want to keep on young female singer ’cause they believe the’ll be the next Bardu.

April 6 dream:  Horses swimming in clear, grayish/yellowish waves. One playfully biting another.

April 6 dream:  “3 weeks.”

April 6 dream:  On lawn discussing getting rid of H,W,, M. requirement for our group which has grown a lot since we started about a year ago.

April 6 dream:  Give Oprah an article on gay women. I have a sort of thing for her.

April 5, 2021:  Finish work early. Work on book. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola to Starbucks. Anthony there. I ask him about guy named Adam who used to work there. He served old woman drink and asked if she wanted a straw. She didn’t hear him. So I repeated, “Do you want a straw?” She returned and got her straw. I think (but do not say to Anthony), “We make a good team.” (*Relates to shits from two days ago?) #43 home. Receive $1400 credit card in mail. Take a while to figure out how to transfer money to my bank.

April 5 dream:  Somebody trying to check out my teeth. I hide them.

April 4, 2021:  3 p.m. RHS workshop. Al leaves early. Steve H. there. Walk down Ocean and up to Monterey to Safeway. Then #43 home right away. Call Steve H. We talk almost an hour. Line goes dead just when Steve starts talking about the global warming “hoax.” Insight: My father wants me to hit him (i.e., be a man) so he can let himself off the hook about what he did to me (i.e., made me a woman).

April 4 dream:  Big hunk of wax comes out of my left ear.

April 4 dream:  Take girl to motel pool game from balcony. Someone throws a frisbee our way. I don’t go for it. My girlfriend gets closer to guy competing with me.

April 4 dream:  Thane leaves, then comes back. I had spilled some water on the floor. He suggests that we get rid of the coverings on the mats. So I did. I admitted I had spilled some water.

April 4 dream:  I was getting ready to go on TV news to talk about important historical moment/speech in Black history.

April 3, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 4:30ish. Walk down Ocean and up towards Starbucks Portola. Feel “shits” coming on. Turn around and go home. Make it home around 5:30. Have “shits.” Go to Target for matcha latte. Meet Ashton Kutcher/Tom Carroll/Tom C.-type guy at Walgreens. I follow him from aisle to aisle for a while. He’s beautiful and funny. (*Relates to guy I saw at Creighton’s on March 31, I think.) Then Target. Then home.

April 3 dream:  They started playing the moving music to AOC’s/our documentary. My father, who was standing next to me, puts his hand out to touch me.

April 3 dream:  Go to dinner with Nannie (my father’s mother) and others. I catch her on the step ladder down. She’s very nicely dressed. We both mention that we ate too much. Run into Louise Denish and others who attended lecture by Lincoln.

April 2, 2021:  10 a.m. online meeting by Social Dilemma creators. Not very impressed. Get vaccine appointment for April 6!!! In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. Not excited to see me. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Then Anthony at Starbucks. He is happy to see me today. I give him card for Jun’s hair salon. #43 home. Late for Prosperos Roundtable. Only 8 in attendance.

April 2 dream:  Trying to fill the warehouse order of some big shot.

April 2 dream:  At pool next to ugly government building, guy in very brief swim suit with hairy ass. Girlfriend pulls him out of water. They are gleeful about he huge wave of water that is coming.

April 2 dream:  Moving into my new apartment. Get phone call from phone I didn’t know I had. Cathy T. picks up. Then someone else. Then I take it since it’s my house. It’s William Fennie. He says, “What are you doing?” I say, “We just got back from [some place] and we’re moving in.”

April 1, 2021:  10 a.m. VA appointment. Bills. Monthly BB. Feel bad about VA appointment. Admitting to therapist that when my mother was shot and killed in front of me, I thought, “At last. I’m going to be famous.” In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to Starbucks. Kaleb brief with me. #43 home. RHS my father on the way. Run into Tom Blair on way in.

April 1 dream:  At friend’s house. They continue same enjoyment from hier. Thane tells me, “You know, you’re in the Florida 16 group.”

April 1 dream:  “Michael,” Black woman calls my name on indoor hiking trail in an abandoned house.

March 31, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Beautiful day. Walk up Portola. Look in at Creighton’s. Cute, friendly, open, eager guy there. Then M.S. Beautiful dark-haired Asian guy stops me in my tracks. Go to Starbucks. See Asian guy again. I stop in my tracks. No response. I walk past him and then turn around and walk backwards. Still no response. Makes me mad/sad. (*Relates to haunted garden dream of March 30?) #43 home. Similar acting Asian guy on #43 gets off at my stop.

March 31 dream:  Walk by John H.’s grandmother’s house. Door is open. Wonder if he’s there. Wonder if I can just walk in. I think I did once before. (h.o.)

March 30, 2021:  Wake up early with tight chest. Take nap later. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Then Starbucks. #43 home. See shadow of hawk? See Noah at W.F. Later cute Asian guy with big, black afro. I say, “I like your hair.” He says, “Thanks.” (*Relates to distant hawk from hier?) Email to Brandee at SF Berniecrats suggesting Gloria Berry run for Congress. (*Relates to zombie dream of March 29?) “Heart attack” in p.m. relates to John reading my diary?

March 30 dream:  Getting very intimate with woman who is helping me fill out form. For example we were sitting on the floor together and her leg was placed under mine.

March 30 dream:  Go into haunted gardena and try to deconstruct the spookiness. Somebody took apart one trolley which had a lot of old pictures on it. It seemed a lot less scary.

March 29, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola to Starbucks. Anthony there. Mad at me. Not speaking to me. Distant hawk at laguna Honda Boulevard. #43 home. “John withdrawal” in p.m.

March 29 dream:  A train full of zombies or people becoming zombies. One cute guy with sunken cheeks kisses little boy on the cheek. Little boy’s mother next to them.

March 29 nap dream:  Go to new part of S.F. Meet guy as I leave resto. He puts book on counter. Says, “It’s vector science” or something like that. He leaves as I do. I turn around several times. He waves at two sets of cute twin baby boys. I am about to say to him, “I recognize you from …” And then wake up.

March 28, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola to Teresita to Foerster. Pass two women gardening on Foerster. Young woman in tight colorful pants. I thought of saying something clever about the cactuses they were planting, but couldn’t think of anything. Tried to tell myself that I was gay and that I shouldn’t bother with her. Later realized that was a lie and that a new self-confidence was emerging within me. (*Relates to hawk from hier in G.C.P, I think.) Safeway. #43 home.

March 28 dream:  In a lobby with his tall, good-looking peers, Tom C. stands out as a hero.

March 28 dream:  I agree to join a political group, trying to help people have sexual freedom and eat hard candy. Bill F. and wife there.

March 28 dream:  Sitting at table with John H.’s father and two others. I say to John H.’s father, “You’ve got great kids. Every one of them!”

March 27, 2021:  Translation workshop in a.m. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior. Follow cute guy south on Mission. Then decide to drop by 671 Madrid to see Bill H.’s house. It’s pretty nice. Then walk to Excelsior library. Finally get Misfits, Season 2. Then Lee at G.P. Then Sudoku at G.P. Then hawk at G.C.P. Then Anthony at Starbucks. Better then hier. Still feel sad on leaving him. #43 home. Beeps. YouTube video about consciousness in p.m. I scream!

March 27 dream:  Romeo and Juliet get together at end of Romeo & Juliet-type affair.

March 27 dream:  Inputting list of names. It starts to erase on its own. I type in STOP. Giants v. Dodgers game starting. Not much interest.

March 27 dream:  My Mercedes parked near gas station. I have to re-park it. Somebody says something sarcastically about how great the ’50s were.

March 26, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. to buy Chron. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks. Anthony there. I told him I mistook Timothy for him hier. He told me, “Yeah, he told me.” They were former roommates. As I left, it seemed like Anthony wanted me to say more. Felt uncomfortable. Later, I realized this probably related to last dream of March 25 of man and woman entering a rocket ship, about to take off. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30. About 11 attended. Not Tom. C. Mad at Hanz for making a big deal about being sure we pass on Translation to future generations. This is something he frequently brings up more to show off, I think, than anything else. As in, “Aren’t I clever to realize that we who knew Thane may not be around forever.”

March 26 dream:  Left a pretty big computer class without having completed the assignment. Awkward handshake with teacher as I left.

March 25, 2021:  Go to 1 p.m. dental appointment. Cute long-haired guy on K bus. He gets off at Portola. I see him later at M.S. He’s a worker there. Lots of fire engines on the way. Guy in skin-tight black shorts on Market. Sarah calls while I’m sitting in the sun waiting for my dental appointment. Charlene is my dental assistant. Meet homeless artist Brett on Market after. Then homeless guy in front of 440 bar. Then walk up Market to M.S. Nice talk with Maggie who is majoring in psychology. Timothy, Monica, and Kaleb at Starbucks. Monica’s last closing. Run into Adoré on Ocean. He just got off work and was on his way to gym. He told me of his plans to set up his own business. Insight: Me eating chocolates is like me saying, “I just want to be a normal boy.”

March 25 dream:  Visit old lady in our neighborhood. An even older lady is moaning in pain on the floor with a bloody back. Healthy, friendly dog likes me. I want to get away as soon as possible.

March 25 dream:  Somebody where I was a guest was handing out lemon meringue pie. They were thinking of giving a piece to the dog, but they didn’t give me a piece.

March 25 dream:  Young Swedish guy with tan takes off his shirt. Someone offers to give him a massage. He says, “I don’t mind a masseur, as long as he’s 84.” while looking at me. I say, “74.”

March 25 dream:  “Spent fuel.”

March 25 dream:  Profile of a man and a woman boarding mid-level on a standing rocket ship.

March 24, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Thinking about how to respond to Calvin’s email about the deanship of The Prosperos. When I forego my lawyerly response, nice strong man on Amber Drive asks me how I am. “Fine,” I say. I think he was a tulpa. Then Starbucks. Anthony there. We wave. #43 home. Two very cute guys. One in back seat eyes me. Later when he gets off, he kind of struts. Was this my TYT friend from December 13, 2020? Other guy ignores me. Then 3rd guy as I exit. I follow him to guy who walked into 1100 Ocean Avenue, who I wolf-whistled under my breath.

March 24 dream:  I get spot off bathroom rug, thus gaining points. I tell others that I get in tub. Water has mostly drained out. I’m still dressed. Others are putting their wet clothes on pipes in the ceiling.

March 24 dream:  Visit Mary L. My hair is wild and full and brown. We drive into town, me to get a haircut, she to see a friend and go to a play. I drive the car backwards to get out of lot. Slightly scrape another car. Then we (now four of us) head out into traffic.

March 24 dream:  Me and friend talking about the importance of not throwing out lust. We are on busy freeway. He drives me to outdoor church I had been to once before.

March 23, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk down Ocean. Cute young guy trips on sidewalk. Then disappears. Hawk flies to lamppost. Then disappears. (Made me mad.) On to Starbucks Portola. Tall, cute guy at Portola and Sydney Way. I follow him to Laguna Honda Boulevard. Hooded skateboarder says, “Hi.” Very cute dark-haired guy in sweatpants on #43. He avoided my glances. Then nice guy who I followed to McD parking lot. Felt a little grief on leaving him. On #43 home, came up with term “spiritual athlete” for how I felt about myself and my life.

March 23 dream:  Chris Rock-type guy under the covers with me shaving one of my legs at the direction of somebody else.

March 22, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Portola to M.S. Then Starbucks. As I leave Starbucks, M.S. worker I’d never seen before holds the door open for me. (*Relates to sudden hawk hier at GCP?) Guy waiting for #43 across the street from me. Cute guy on #43 avoiding my glance. I sit near him. He gets off at my stop. We diverge. Then come together again. Turns out he lives across Ocean Avenue from me. Guy smoking outside W.F. I say, “Is this the smoking area?” He says, “Yes.” I say, “Too bad I don’t smoke.”

March 22 dream:  Somebody gave me a note saying he owed me $40 ’cause I protected him from being kissed by someone. (h.o.)

March 22 dream:  Three healthy men getting all excited about conjugated obscure verbs and needlepoint beginning 5 months from now or now.

March 22 dream:  Test in use of semicolons. Two cute but bratty little kids who wouldn’t go home.

March 21, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. RHS (Releasing the Hidden Splendour) workshop at 3 p.m. In ’til 5ish. Walk to Portola to Starbucks. Cute Japanese guy outside Japanese resto on Ocean. Talk to my father in my mind. I say, “How would you like to be sexually accosted?” Then realized maybe that’s what he did want. To be sexual with another man. And in mid-’50s America, I was the closest thing he could allow himself. So in a way my father was telling me that this is what he wanted but he could only go so far. And maybe I’d be able to go further in my life (like every parent wants something better for their children). (*Relates to motorcycles and guy giving me a thumbs up on Mission Street hier?) Further insight: When my mother was shot dead in front of me, I thought: “At last, I’m going to become famous.” And when my father told me he was going to remarry, I thought: “At last, I can go back to being a “normal’ boy.’” In both instances my ego was exposed. With my mother’s death, it was pretty obvious. With my father remarrying, who was I kidding? I was never going to be a ‘normal’ boy. #43 home. Cute taciturn Japanese guy smiles at me. Then pretended I didn’t exist.

March 21 dream:  My 2nd mother is very involved in my school, but on the other side of the issues than me. I tell her, “Thank you very much, mother, for being involved in our school.”

March 21 dream:  I lied to my boss, told him I was 84 when I was really 87.

March 20, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. See maybe 100 motorcycles on Ocean Avenue. Think maybe it relates to John. Guy on Mission Street store gives me a thumbs up as I pass. Then G.P. Then as I enter G.C.P. hawk flies very close over my head and around me. As I think this must relate to John, too, gay guy walking the other direction smiles at me. Hear roar of motorcycles (the same group from before?) as I approach M.S. Kaleb at Starbucks. See “lingering finish.” #43 home. Bunch of too-loud young skateboarders in back of bus. They get off at Ridgewood. One of them is beautiful young black guy with long flowing mane of black hair. I’m furious I didn’t know he was one of them. I would certainly have sat amongst them if I knew. Hope and assume I’ll run into him again sometime. In p.m. Translate “Consumption of some foods can cause pain.” Conclusion: Truth translates everything into energy, resulting in endless pleasure.

March 20 dream:  Trying to sign up for gym. Not any vacancies and gyms that are open make too many demands.

March 20 dream:  Taking class with lots of people. Tom C. there. He asks out pretty young law student from Hayward. They go off in car with many other young kids. Then she gets out. As I’m walking out, someone makes a comment that I’m very feminine looking. I have my jacket loosely hanging over my shoulder. Later drive S.F. street I’d never seen before from this direction.

March 19, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola and the over the hill to Safeway. Young man with his mother. I desired him perhaps more than I should have. So I walked on. Later ran across him again. He looked at me excitedly. I looked at him excitedly. He had on a T-shirt saying “University of Area 51”). Other guy there, too. Really long lines. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. not there. I came in late. Conversation veered off to discussing straight guy who liked to wear his girlfriend’s underwear. I said, “It’s just the literal enactment of ‘getting into somebody’s pants.’” Apparently that offended one person. I felt good about it.

March 19 dream:  Guy runs after me on the street and catches up with me and threatens me with his belt. He is joined by two other guys. They can’t figure out what’s going to get me off.

March 19 dream:  Not speaking to one guy. Then another. Can’t remember why.

March 18, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola to Starbucks. Kaleb there talking about Starbucks stars. #43 home. DSA podcast on the Paris commune at 6:30 p.m. Taylor moderates. He’s cute and sweet and apparently married. Lots of self-important talk.

March 18 dream:  Backyard and back of Saratoga house is falling apart. White manager is no longer listening to black manager.

March 18 dream:  “The Sale of 57 Schools”(?) by Patricia Gruber(?). Thane recommends it as we work from center. I put rug on floor and circular mirror so people won’t fall thru to the basement. Thane says to me, “I feel sorry for a public person like you. You’ve got a lot of uncovering to do.”

March 18 dream:  Woman gets hit by car on hilly street of S.F. She doesn’t want any help. I go to fancy resto where you pay different prices to sit in different areas. I walk out. Guy towing cart talking about his grandmother’s “pussy.”

March 17, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola to Starbucks. Kaleb tells me (again) that he lives near Minnie and Lovie Park which is just over the hill from where I live. #43 home. Guy at Ocean and Lee who didn’t want to play with me. Listen to Richard Tarnas and Adam Curtis on YouTube in p.m.

March 17 dream:  I give woman instructions on last shipment, rolled into piece of chocolate. Then we kissed in front of one of her co-workers.

March 17 dream:  Older English woman who we were vacationing with told us she had gotten shot in the back of her leg. I asked if it was accidental. She didn’t respond. We were eating French fries and biscuits.

March 17 dream:  July 15, 1999.

March 17 dream:  Thane going off about something a few doors down. It lasted for quite a while.

March 17 dream:  Tom O. on ledge of building talking about how Hillary wasn’t that important a member of the family. He was inviting someone to join him. He kept walking out and it turned out there was a clear plastic walkway across the whole street.

March 16, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk thru CCSF to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Talked with Lee. Told him I was interested in the J&J vaccine. He said that it’s only 60% effective. I said I’d take my chances. Then see ’59 red Mustang (just like the car I saw in a light reverie as I was awakening this a.m.) I googled ’59 red Mustang and it was the same one I saw. (J. was born in ’59.) Then G.C.P. Trip on way out. As I arrive on Portola Drive, see beautiful strong man with baby on his stomach. I pass in front of him and notice cute little sun glasses baby had on. I said, “I like the sunglasses.” He said, “And they’re polarized.” They crossed to the other side of the street and I looked back and saw them walking in the same direction as me. Then looked back again and they were gone. Starbucks. #43 home. Skateboarder trying to avoid my glance.

March 16 dream:  Tell group I was talking to that I helped Tom C. out financially (by lending him $40).

March 15, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk Ocean to Portola. Joan at Walgreens tells me she thinks we’ll never get back to normal. Walk up Portola to M.S. Check out with my friend who just cut his own hair with Wahl clippers. Anthony at Starbucks. We wave hello and later goodbye. #43 home.

March 15 nap dream:  Take public bus somewhere. It stops half-way. Have to take private bus. Nancy O. has no money so I buy her ticket. Now she owes me $5. Woman taking my money was an Aquarian into astrology.

March 15 dream:  Hang out with some beatniks in N.Y. They want me to follow strict procedures.

March 15 dream:  Have whole table full of addresses we need to input and mail to. I feel overwhelmed. But I tell my female supervisor that 3 or 4 of us are in today and that we should be able to make some progress and that if other jobs come up we’ll do them as they arrive. Also, an open box full of unwrapped chocolate candy bars.

March 14, 2021:  Sleep ’til noon (Daylight Savings Time). Insight: Realize that I’ve encountered all three of John’s  brothers (Rick, Bob and Bill) in the past. Rick in ’95 or ’96 when I (and I guess he) was volunteering at Galileo High School. I looked at him. He walked away flirtatiously. Bob, one day when I was visiting John at his Real Food store on 24th Street. He looked very much like John and came on to me like John as well. And finally Bill, who I saw one day sitting on a building ledge over Castro Street during a Castro Street Fair. He just looked at me. In ’til 4ish. (*This realization relates to first hawk/owl from hier, I think.) Walk down Ocean and up Portola. Kaleb at Starbucks. He says, “I like your haircut.” (*Relates to 2nd hawk from hier?) #43 home.

March 14 dream:  Take elevator down to 1st floor to hear presidential debate. Woman there says, “You’ll be the only boy.” Then she ask why I’m interested. I asked her if she was going. She said, “Of course.”

March 14 dream:  Me being attracted to two women in tight dresses.

March 13, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. 7 attended. We Translated “Healthcare workers are overwhelmed.” My conclusion: “Nothing can overpower Truth.” Anonymous call at noonish. (*Relates to hawks from hier?) Online work. Nap. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Hawk (or owl?) on Ocean Avenue. Then see card on sidewalk which says, “We were meant to be.” And more. Then Excelsior. Librarian was reading about Dante. Then another hawk on Monterey Boulevard. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. See coyote. Then Janet, the “Coyote Lady.” Then Starbucks. #43 home. Insight: Touching from September 28 was possibly John’s mother Lucille comforting me for the behavior of her son(s).

March 13 dream:  Fill out application for speaker to speak in S.F.

March 13 dream:  In Sacramento on very relaxed train. Leave the train to go in town. Forget my two bags of luggage which contained my I.D. Go back. Trains are suddenly crowded and hot. Can’t find my I.D.

March 12, 2021:  Up early. Online work. Take nap. 2 p.m. haircut with Jun. Hawk or two at CCSF parking lot on the way. Jun and I talk about being gay, which he says he’s not. Safeway. Cute guy there. I talk with him briefly. #43 home. Out again. Follow cute guy across the street. Go to burrito place. Throw it away ’cause worker didn’t use plastic gloves. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 Tom C. there seemed very sad. Later saw him smiling at his wife which made me sad. After midnight, hear and see person being carried out of their apartment on a stretcher accompanied by 8 or so medics. (*Hope this relates–metaphorically–to John.)

March 12 dream:  My mother’s death is being looked into (h.o.)

March 12 dream:  Quickly read thru book given in class.

March 11, 2021:  Slept ’til 11:30 a.m. Still recovering from yesterday’s “Surprise.” Sarah calls. Mary L. calls. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. and up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Tesia there. #43 home. 5:30 meeting re Chesa Boudin. Shits in p.m.

March 10, 2021:  Insight: Realized NROTC dream of February 14 may relate to me thinking about moving back to Polk Street area to recap the excitement of first moving to S.F. John or one of his brothers called in a.m. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Did some internet research on John. Found out his apartment number, which I never knew. They also listed three phone numbers, all of which I called. Not sure any of them were good. Walk up Portola to M.S. See “Surprise.” Then Starbucks. #43 home. More research on John. Found out his mother died in 2019. Also that he has a long-time partner named KK Downey. Not sure if that’s a real person or not. (*Relates to “Surprise” from earlier today?) Maybe I’m KK Downey.

March 10 dream:  It’s lunch beak in class. Someone going to Hawaii to swim. I want to go someplace to eat.

March 9, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Decide to walk up Monterey to use Safeway restroom. Two little neurotic, unleashed, barking dogs on the way. Safeway restroom closed. Catch #43 right away home. Take shit. Then walk to Walgreens (for Chron) and Target (for matcha) and home. Follow cute guy in and out of W.F. Then McDs. Then home. Big rain about 12:45 a.m. Sounded like the sky was falling.

March 9 dream:  I’m sitting with Thane and another person between us. I’m reading from some book of Thane’s I’d never read before. He’s talking about Lee, who he said brought a lot of negativity and yet a lot of positivity. I said, “I’d never heard you talk about him before. “ he said, “Did you know you could get [either] cirrhosis or pregnant medically?”

March 9 dream:  Attend Prosperos assembly-type event over the weekend. Visit other Prospero student after. One woman gets all teary on leaving. I think she’s in love with me. She says, “I love you, Mark,” referring to the guy standing behind me. There was a wavy waterway just outside. And in the distance some kind of smoking explosion.

March 9 dream:  I help clean up outdoor school area.

March 9 dream:  Having fun online wish the Sunday Nite Translation group.

March 8, 2021:  Online work. Take nap. In ’til 4ish. As I walk out masked skateboarder (Jesse?) waves hello as he entered W.F. Walk up Portola to Starbucks. Anthony there. He’s cut all his hair off. As I leave he says, “Bye.” I say, “Bye” and involuntarily twerk my butt. (*Relates to hawk from hier. Also March 6 dream of very gay guy, I think.) #43 home. Vegetable guy and beautiful woman who checks me out at W.F. Home.

March 8 dream:  Three guys at my apartment finally leave. Then hang out outside. Then finally come back in. I want them to leave but then I start feeling up the cutest one and he me. And we have sex in front of several others. (h.o.)

March 8 dream:  Went to the Castro at night. Avoiding place where people expected me to go. Heard of after-hours club just opening up called the Blue Angel. It was mostly young lesbians. Turns out I sat across from one of the only guys there. He looked like a very young Ricky Nelson with a stubble beard. He said intensely something about “Johnson.” I said somebody mentioned that to me earlier in the day. Minister there is giving awards to those who did well in their group. I was interested in what he was doing so began reading about it.

March 7, 2021:  Watch sexual abuse survival video. Insight: Refusing sex with beautiful men a form of self-abuse? In ’til 4ish. Walk up Portola. Translation conclusion: Truth is infinite appropriate energy. See hawk over Portola. M.S. Starbucks. Go to #43 Muni stop. No phone. So I retrace all my steps. Go to M.S. Starbucks, 7-11 and walk all the way home, Translating along the way. Half way home realize I may have left phone at home, which turned out to be the case.

March 7 dream:  Sean Connery at EDD. He shows me old raggedy signs that say we need to re-register every summer. I say, “I’m not going to do that unless they ask me personally.”

March 7 dream:  A healing service or memorial on October 11 and 12. Two women and I began it with a fun song talking about the devil and sin.

March 7 dream:  “a felt earthquake.”

March 6, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Check out Real Life from the guy who recommended it to me. On to G.P. Talk with Lee. Then G.C.P. Little boy comes running up to me to say hello. Come up with insight about wealth: “Real wealth is not how much you’ve accumulated. It’s how much you’ve let go.” Starbucks. #43 home.

March 6 dream:  At Prosperos center, words on back of matchbook says, “If we don’t have your number, call us. Call me.” Then street sign comes up to my desk and falls over and says, “Call this number.”

March 6 dream:  Guy has us tearing up boxes with with our hands. I say, “That’s not too bad. You had us killing people earlier.”

March 6 dream:  Very gay guy wins contest I didn’t know we were still having. I was just behind him though. Everyone remarks how gracious he and others were. I drive off thinking, “I’ve got to get back to my regular life.”

March 5, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Beautiful black woman security guard at Walgreens. I turn around and she’s a he. Walk up Portola. Sergio at Starbucks doesn’t even look at me. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. 11 attended. My solution to the right-wing: “Outlive the bastards.”

March 5 dream:  Edith gets thrown in the pool. Then remembers where she was.

March 5 dream:  Woman’s cake should have been set aside before it was counted.

March 5 dream:  Hanging out with magnetic but unattractive British guy. I’m British, too.

March 5, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m.

March 4, 2021:  Online work. Excellent jerk-off session. In ’til 4ish. Walk up Portola to Teresita to Safeway. See Alan there. Anonymous call in p.m. (*Relates to shits from hier?)

March 4 dream:  Trying to retrieve damaged sheets to submit to somebody.

March 4 dream:  Lots of soldiers (including me) crawling along railway track so as not to be seen by the oncoming train.

March 4 dream:  In N.Y. with new friend on trolley. They were talking about person they knew. I asked it they knew Chris [Hinrichs].

March 4 dream:  Strange, naked man with vagina asks if he can hang out with couple at their home.

March 3, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Take shits at M.S. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Stop midway to take photo of rain over the ocean. Then I’m late for 5 p.m. Wolf-PAC meeting. Only 7 of us there. Then 6:30 p.m. Berniecrats meeting which lasted almost 3 hours. They didn’t bring up the creation of a recruiting committee as I proposed and was approved at our last meeting. So I brought that up. And it was agreed to discuss this at our next meeting. Brandon very supportive.

March 3 dream:  Start at new office. Can’t find plant I was going to dust and water. Get in conversation with 2 or 3 guys. One talking about how he wanted to be like some character I’d never heard of. Then another saying, “These underground conversations are dead important, man.” I said, “I know.” At the beginning of the conversation, I didn’t hear them. Later I did.

March 3 dream:  Look at big N.Y. apartment for fun. Many rooms. Old woman staying on in one of them. Guy says we could pay $100,000 down and pay the remaining amount in a loan. We (my friend and I) could almost do it.

March 3 dream:  Get in big “silent fight” with Ana Kasparian while she’s talking with Cenk.

March 2, 2021:  Online work. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Go to M.S. Then Starbucks. Realized I’d forgotten something. Then remembered I forgot soy milk. Get very upset with myself. Then told myself to shut up. (*Relates to fight dream last dream of February 28?) Don Bechler Zoom memorial at 5 p.m. Upstairs apartment moves out?

March 2 dream:  Trying to put cream cheese on a knife. Guy who mistrusted me goes outside to fight somebody.

March 2 dream:  Alternating gold and pearl necklace.

March 1, 2021:  Do “Don’t Kill It Bernie” video for TYT. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean. Cute little boy blocks my passage. Walgreens closed. Walk up Portola. Starbucks. #43 home. Beautiful Latino man in W.F. I follow him a bit and finally we exchange glances.

March 1 dream:  Go thru the same sky there. Some do not survive. I do. Woman in little wagon says she’s the taxi come to pick another woman up.

March 1 dream:  Man offers himself to woman.

March 1 dream:  Flying around the room to show off for some people.

February 28, 2021:  Work online. Catch up 2 or 3 days on my diary. Feel very good about what I’ve written. Like I’ve come to the conclusion of my book. In ’til 3ish. Buy Chron at Walgreens. Joan tells me she’s skeptical of taking any vaccine. I agree. Walk up Portola to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” Then Starbucks. Then #43 arrives just as I arrive at stop. I hurriedly finish my latte and put on my mask. As I enter bus, I lock eyes with beautiful black guy who’s seated across aisle from slightly overweight white woman. They get off in two more stops. Guy gives me 2nd glance as he exists bus. (*Relates to “Scarborough warning” from February 26?)

February 28 dream:  General trying to … his son off to Ms. Titmouse. i’m trying to make my way thru. (h.o.)

February 28 dream:  Kids running in excitedly to do something. I am there as well for some reason.

February 28 dream:  Visit Pat Lambert and her husband and two other people I know at new apartment complex just south of S.F. I went to see if there are any vacancies there.

February 28 dream:  Bully gives me bag of stuff and says to go for more. I say, “I’m leaving ’cause if I don’t, I’m going to kill you.” He leads me away from woman so we can fight.

February 27, 2021:  Translation group. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Five guys practicing martial arts on CCSF campus. Nice guy at library reading book about gay, black guy studying with all white men at Midwest university (Real Life). Then on to G.P. Beautiful Harley-Davidson and its owner on Cotter Street. Then two young black guys at G.P. liquor store. One not wanting to pay for bag of chips he tore. Lee and his mother there. G.C.P. Two women at Starbucks seemed to be talking about me behind my back. Then get burrito from Latina who also seemed impenetrable. Insight: Just ’cause you’ve been sexually bused as a child doesn’t necessarily mean you will abuse others. But the thought and desire to do so may have been planted. For me, the realization of the source of this desire completely eradicates any trace of it that may have existed. As Hemingway said, “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.”

February 27 nap dream:  Guys asking me about tract of land in S.F. I said I remember reading about it in the Chronicle a few days ago. One guy older. One guy younger. Younger guy has bubble butt. We all get on Muni which went up steep hill on conveyor belt. I wondered if we would make it to the top.

February 27 dream:  I told Tom O. I wanted to buy a car. He said for that particular model they send somebody over from Holland to drive it. We were in a locker room at the time.

February 27 dream:  I’m working in busy law office, supervising two other workers, one a temp.

February 26, 2021:  Get anonymous call. (Relates to guy pissing on house hier?) See “Scarborough warning.” Finish taxes. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola. Hawk in alley. Starbucks. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. 14 people attended. Insight: My fear at Unitarian Church experience with John in January 1987 related not to my fear of my father but my fear of society if they knew what I had done with him.

February 26 dream:  Returning to school in downtown S.F. Follow Maggie Cox but lose her. Take shit in open-air toilet. Administrator comes up to me and asks me to do something while I’m in the middle of shitting.

February 26 dream:  Young man wants me to help him with his Indian friend staying in Finland and comes out in the gay world. He lists himself as o/o among other things. Nice woman joins our table.

February 25, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola. Then Teresita to Safeway. Old guy pissing on front of house off Portola. Get anonymous call. Check out at Safeway. Then notice Nur at another checkout station. So I go back and buy something else just to be able to talk with him. Woman in front of me in line says, “Do you want to hear a joke?” I say, “Sure.” She says, “A man and a woman go to a retreat and there is only one vacant room left. So they agree to share it. The man is on the top bunk and the woman on the bottom. During the night the man asks the woman if she could get him another blanket? She says ‘It’s only one night. Do you want to pretend we are married?’ He excitedly says, ‘Sure.’ Then she says, ‘Great. Go get the blanket yourself.’” #43 home. Same Asian guy as hier. He’s still ignoring me. Me RHSing my father: “’As for you, you meant this for evil, but God [Consciousness] meant this for good.’ I knew you weren’t a real father. So I went out and found one. I found Thane.”

February 25 dream:  Try to share my Japanese … with friends who don’t appreciate it.

February 25 dream:  N.Y. crowd. Guy says, “I’m not myself unless I dominate the room.” I’m sitting in stairwell with others. He looks in and says, “Cover up whoever is most insecure.” My arm was covering over somebody else. Then he said hello to somebody I didn’t know was in the stairwell with me. I say, “I hate when that happens.”

February 25 dream:  Ride up to North Bay. See several old high school friends, mostly Ashley Card, who seemed really happy to see me. She showed me all her plants, especially the millennials.

February 25 dream:  Dream of tripping and falling. [Actually pull my back out.]

February 24, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Insight: My hated of women (in the abstract) relates to the privilege status they had in my family. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Anthony there. We smiled at each other. #43 home. Cute Asian guy on bus got off at the same stop as I did. Further insight: Every time I refused the invitation of some good-looking man, I was refusing my father within me. I was saying to him, “You’re not going to hurt him like you hurt me!”

February 24 dream:  A percentage of voters would still vote for Bernie Sanders. (h.o.)

February 24 dream:  Carol Carter trying to fly away from group. Or someone else trying to fly away from Carol and the group.

February 24 dream:  Votes are still being tallied up in Florida and other places. I am one of the talliers. I tell fellow tallier, “I am not a masochist.”

February 23, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Young woman in passing car yells at me in excitement. Makes me feel good. Go to library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Then M.S. Check out with”Sir Allen.” Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Cute young blond guy in muscle T-shirt on my way in. Sexual Incest Survivors phone group from 6 to 8 p.m. Made me mad at my father; “You can’t just take what you want. I’ll never be like you!” This pledge probably relates to me turning down the many sexual opportunities I’ve had with beautiful men in my life.

February 23 dream:  Check into beach hotel in building I used to live in. I didn’t go into a room but put my stuff down and got on a bed-shaped chair near an entryway. Started masturbating. Heard some people. Stopped.

February 23 dream:  I or someone is taking dictation from the Soviet government. Suddenly I am asked to stop. And being kicked out.

February 23 dream:  At Jewish newspaper, we’re toying with the headline: “Is It Over?”

February 23 dream:  “Manflood!”

February 23 dream:  I’m the de facto guy in charge of setting up the next event.

February 22, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to M.S. Portola using slightly different route. On San Pablo Avenue, think about moving to Chicago. Guy driving by smiles at me. Anthony at Starbucks. He’s dyed his hair red. I talked with him about his class on “The ’60s.” #43 home. See my hall painter friend on the way in. Insight: I may not have stood up to my father, but I did stand up to Thane. That counts for something. Watched Going Clear in p.m. Realized my cult was not The Prosperos, but my family.

February 22 dream:  Having dinner date with woman. I get out of the shower. Still an hour left on the date. We are near a swimming pool. A few others are with us.

February 22 dream:  Sit next to Bob d’Arcy on train. He had tried to get another seat but missed.

February 22 dream:  Riding on wild ride on bus. Bus stops. In Coos, I say, “Are we going to walk the rest of the way?” Write conclusion or forward to book.

February 22 dream:  Work at cab dispatch company. There are three of us phone operators. The phones go out. I go and buy some strawberry ice cream. It’s near the beach.

February 21, 2021:  Working online. Looking for YouTube I could listen to while I worked. Up popped a video about men surviving sexual abuse. Listened to video after video. Finally ran into video featuring somebody I used to work with and even went out to dinner with once. Will attend online group on Tuesday night. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean. Beautiful unmasked young man smiles slyly at me. Walk to M.S. Talk with Daniel, the vegetable guy, about Easter and other things. Checked out with “Sir Allen.” #43 home. Insight: Looking in the mirror. Not looking good. Asked myself, “Who am I trying to look good for?” Realized it was my father.

February 21 dream:  My co-worker wants to go on all day nude event. I’m not so sure.

February 21 dream:  Prosperos assembly is roaring success. Big room. Maybe 250 people. I sit next to Amy Cuff and Stephanie Bowden. Also dark-skinned guy I used to work with and liked a lot. Later on in an open-air train, we look at holographic image of woman who is afraid her money will be taken from her.

February 21 dream:  Tom O. calls me from other end of park. Wants his “smelling salts.” I comply.

February 20, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Later I jerk off. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Talk with Lee. He says he’s been writing about the S.F. Opera performing at Ft. Mason. On to G.C.P. Francesca at Starbucks Portola. Then Asian guy entering Pakwan resto as I get home. Insight: Reason I get off on cute men being humiliated (as I did earlier today when I jerked off) is because I’m re-enacting what my father did to me. He used his power over me to get off. I get off when those with power over me (beautiful men) are humiliated or brought down. That’s probably why I’ve had so much difficulty accepting sexual invitations from beautiful men. I didn’t want that self in me to emerge. This is what Billye Talmadge was talking about so many years ago when she told me that I never took into consideration my own feelings about any particular situation. (*See dream of me embracing Billye from February 19.) And also Thane’s remarks that whatever gives you a delicious sense of excitement followed by a terrible sense of shame is something which will need to be worked on a lot.

February 20 dream:  Woman saying to us, “Did anyone die last time?” I say, “Yeah, I died a couple of times.” (h.o.)

February 20 dream:  We’re sitting at a couple of tables. All kinds of men try to kiss Tom C. He tells them to knock it off.

February 20 dream:  Putting my clean clothes in the dryer.

February 19, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Pick up new Bernie mug Sarah left me. Walk up Portola to M.S. Then Starbucks. Talk with Kaleb. Sergio kind of stand-offish. #43 home. See hall painter in the lobby. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Rick Thomas not there. Tom C. not there. Pam makes me co-host.

February 19 dream:  For some reason John and a friend of his had to spend the night at my place. We slept in the same small bed. Unfortunately his friend slept between us. Neither had pants on. I stuck my hand out so John had to rest his ass on it. His ass felt wonderful. Later I ran into Billye Talmadge who looked great. She was wearing a blue and white knit suit and was on her way to a fundraiser. She said I looked giddy. I hugged her. Then Sadah Loomis came up behind her.

February 18, 2021: Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola to Starbucks. Talk with Kaleb. The meet Sergio, beautiful black-haired new guy. He says, “I’ll see you around.” #43 home.

February 18 dream:  Walking with my new female boss to work. Tell her I have a noon medical appointment. Rushing to get up to doctor’s appointment. Stairs too crowded. It’s 12:07 p.m. Eating sugar-coated Danish and feeling guilty about it.

February 17, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola and down Teresita to Safeway. Realized me saying I wanted to get away from you-know-who in yesterday’s diary may have been a big deal. I never stood up to my father. But maybe I did stand up to my father substitute. To let him know that it is not automatic that I will still love him or even want him. Deli guy at Safeway really happy to see me. Catherine at checkout. I liked her, too.

February 17 dream:  Juan charging $5 per avocado. I put his in the bowl. Another person working against me. (h.o.)

February 17 dream:  Went with four other guys from the East Bay. One who was on the swim team and had written a book. Teacher there as well. He takes off. Susan Sarandon and Carol Carter say, “It’s been too long.’

February 17 dream:  Helping move guy out from the 7th floor of old building to new place. Almost totally moved out. Old building has lots of smoke and a big kitchen in the middle.

February 16, 2021:  Anonymous call at 2ish. I say, “Come on.” Shits just before leaving at 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Kind of get off on guy I stand in line behind. Walk to G.P. Then G.C.P. Realize “Russian River” sign from February 11 probably meant that I was looking in Half Moon Bay for the same thing I was looking for in the Russian River, namely, to get away from you-know-who. Monica at Starbucks. I say, “Are you from Santa Monica, Monica?” She opened up quite a bit.

February 16 dream:  I’m really terrible on a 4-question quiz. Tom C there disguised as an old Jewish woman named Vera.

February 15, 2021:  Clint L. calls in early p.m. In ’til 4ish. Walk up Portola to M.S. Then Starbucks. Talk with Kaleb. Get “Perfect.” Then Anthony. I accidentally spill some of my latte. He says, “You’re okay.” Since my hands are full, I wave at him with my index finger. #43 home. Guy on Lee as I approached my back door. (*Relates to “Perfect” from earlier?) Translate “Democracy is fragile” in p.m.

February 15 dream:  We are not approved by PG&E. We visit wolf who was approved. He said a more wild wolf may visit us.

February 15 dream:  Some people and animals follow us out of the forest. They should be safe, we are told.

February 15 dream:  At busy law office, Barry Bram there. They want me to clear off a table so they can work. Barry sits next to me. Something about him and his secretary.

February 14, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola. Starbucks. #43 home. Guy on bus with new shoes. As I left, I said, “I like your shoes.” He said, “Thank you, man.” Listen to Michael Parenti in p.m.

February 14 dream:  Getting ready for family reunion. (h.o.)

February 14 dream:  Was going to register to go back to NROTC and finish college and do four years in the Navy as I had been scheduled to do. But as I walked to register, judge in adjoining office shakes his head “No.” So I get on train or tried to. End up riding solo on big empty cart which I was trying to figure out how to stop.

February 13, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Feeling “shitty” just before I leave home. Two or three shits. Walk to Excelsior library. Guy there smiled at me with his eyes even though he was masked. I told him so. He knew. Walk to G.P. Realize I don’t have change to buy Chron. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. Fiona there. I joke with her. She doesn’t respond. Starbucks. #43 home. Loud, aggressive, mostly black, young skateboarders in back of bus. I sit near them. Felt bad afterwards. But still loved them. Later realized how to confront the Berniecrats pronoun problem. I think my pronouns will be: he/she, him/her and his/hers. Catch up on newspapers. Memory: Harriet being upset with me when she found out through her friend at work that I had won the music award. She was upset ’cause I didn’t tell her and embarrassed that she didn’t know when her friend told her.

February 13 dream:  Get lost on road back from L.A. Have to get help nailing my steering apparatus on.

February 13 dream:  Finishing a job down at the beach. Go to young woman who I was working with. She walks with me back to the beach. The tide has come in so I can’t finish my work. She says I have to be able to finish by tomorrow a.m. There are several fins protruding from the water. I say (or she does), “Sharks.” Then she jumps on the back of one. Looks like it was too big to be a shark. And it seemed frightened and took off in a hurry. Any I didn’t see girl though.

February 13 dream:  San Luis Obispo has the best athletic team.

February 12, 2021:  Listening to “Trauma” series online. Woman said that if you dissociate because of trauma you will have no memory of it ’cause you literally weren’t there. That explains why I have no specific memory of my sexual abuse by my father. Then the VA called and wanted to know what they could do to help me alleviate stress. I told Sharon, the lady from the VA, that I’d like to get some help to dis-dissociate this memory. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola to Starbucks. Anthony there. He says, “How are you?” I say, “Fine. I had a major psychological breakthrough today.” He seemed interested. I said, “I’ll tell you about it later sometime.” He smiled. Made my day for a 2nd time. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. not there.

February 12 dream:  Guy asks us to wait while he goes into the other room. Life-size man or paper-mache man with blue suit and golden hair floats into the ornate room next to us. I/we follow him in. (h.o.)

February 12 dream:  We shouldn’t allow women to ware vagina clinging clothes when we get to the Middle East.

February 12 dream:  Just got back from trip to N.Y. Talking with two people in Hollywood about photographer. I say, “I like the idea of being pursued.” Then I say, “Oh, that came out more sexual than I intended.”

February 12 dream:  Working for Scott Wiener in a law office. Don’t have anything to do yet. Woman lawyer says, “Do you want a card?” I say, “Okay.” She hands me her purse. Then says, “I’m having a baby.”

February 12 dream:  Guy stuck up against wall after fall. I think he’s dead, but I pull him down and he’s alive. Later I rescue Nancy O. Jeff B. there.

February 12 dream:  Cookie monster who preys on kids.

February 12 dream:  The Senate gets rid of the filibuster.

February 11, 2021:  Go to rental car place downtown at 10 a.m. See John from “Under One Roof” on bus on the way. Cute guy at rental agency. He gives me two thumbs up when we finish our business. Then Alex at auto garage. Drive down to Half Moon Bay. Completely miss it the first time. Drive 14 miles south before I turn around. Go to gas station to get directions to Main Street. Cute, flustered young guy there whenever I asked him anything. Look at senior complex. Nice lobby. Place way too “senior” for me. Decide against it. Get “Perfect” on drive home. Also see “Russian River.” Think at first this is the Universe is saying to look there. Then realize that it is probably the Universe saying my search at Half Moon Bay is just like my prior searches at the Russian River. Drop off car. On way home, walk by J’s house on Geary and J’s bar and store on Castro. See J’s old boss on 19th Street. Walk up Market to Starbucks Portola. Guy on upper Market says “Hi” to me. See homeless guy I usually give $1 to. I don’t have change, so give him $5 (after banging my hand with my umbrella). My mask falls apart. I tie it back. #43 home. Obnoxious girl on bus. Insight: Remember being mad at my mother shortly before we moved back into our Menlo Park home from Japan. I was thinking (but didn’t say), “You’re not my mother” even though she obviously was. What I was thinking is that, “God is my parent. You’re not!”

February 11 dream:  Guy who’s supposed to save the world being pretty much a jerk.

February 11 dream:  Mel Gibson shirtless, tearing down toy castle.

February 11 dream:  Trying to set up an outdoor sound system. Couldn’t figure out how to do it, though it had been done before.

February 10, 2021:  Marlin from Half Moon Bay calls. Says I’m pretty much a shoo-in for one bedroom place. Lots of shits before I take off about 4ish. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to CVS. See Pat briefly. Then Starbucks Portola. Anthony says, “Do you mind if I pass this [drink] on?” I say, “No. Go ahead.”

February 10 dream:  My girl friend doesn’t want me to be violent with my new martial arts ability. I say, “It is not violent. I’ve even seen you use it.”

February 9, 2021:  Call from “Private Number” in a.m. (*Relates to crows and hawk from hier, I think.) Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. See young man on bike behind parklet. Wait for him to reappear. He never does. Tulpa? Walk thru G.C.P. Black guy at top. M.S. Eye contact with Asian cashier. Starbucks. #43 home. Bus runs over something on Gennessee and stops. Fire engine stops by. Hear “No guts, no glory” in p.m. Lots of strange phone calls throughout the day.

February 9 dream:  Trying to run away from a comedian and his harasser. I can barely move. Guy in patio tells his father mockingly but honestly that he’s [the guy’s] the sheriff. So is his young brother.

February 9 dream:  WWII Paris: The Nazis are still winning. We know they’re going to lose but we don’t know how or when.

February 9 dream:  “47th man.”

February 8, 2021:  VA phone appointment in a.m. Then two anonymous calls. (*Relates to shits and distant hawk from hier, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and Up Portola. Crows chasing away one or two hawks. CVS. Starbucks. #43 home. In p.m. angry at my VA primary care provider for overstepping his bounds. (*Relates to February 7 dream about 1962 civil rights march?)

February 8 dream:  Tom C. and I and funny guy and serious girl all in bed together. Girl wants to talk. Tom and I and funny guy want to play game.

February 8 dream:  Paint thinner fight song.

February 8 dream:  Try to reach ceiling of very high-ceilinged room so I can brush it with a broom.

February 8 dream:  Many of us coming into the country. Women have a “cheerleader” exemption. Men don’t have a comparable exemption. We are discussing this in a coffee shop near Church Street. It’s not a problem for me ’cause I already have an apartment (though empty) in the Castro.

February 8 dream:  Guy about to tell us something at coffee shop counter.

February 7, 2021:  Insight: Paid attention to my inner child feeling shame about being a sex object, instead of suppressing the feelings as I usually do. (*Relates to 4th dream of February 6 about relabeling and refiling, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola. Fell “shittier” and “shittier.” Hope I make it to M.S. restroom. I make it. Guy is sitting on the can. I wait for him to finish. He smiles at me. Then Starbucks. Talk with Kaleb about his curly hair. Distant hawk. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Meet Nur, really nice and beautiful and young cashier there, who goes to Whittier College. Also, hot young mixed race guy with T-shirt and low-riding pants. As I’m leaving Nur, I run into second guy on my way out. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Later drop by W.F. A sullen Isaiah there.

February 7 nap dream:  Smoke from the kitchen.

February 7 dream:  In hotel conference room with lots of gay men, mostly older. Guy I start to sit next to asks me if I fancy someone else. Then we hear noise from down below. People are gathering for the first civil rights march. It’s 1962.

February 7 dream:  After voting on what kind of music building we wanted, I was kind of stopped in my tracks. Then I saw cute little blue-eye baby wrapped in towels. I caressed it, but not too much as I had no arms or legs and did not yet seem fully formed.

February 6, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. On Portola, hear noise. Look back. See hawk land in tree. Margaret at M.S. Starbucks. #43 home. Return Sarah’s call. Give Jonathan my love.

February 6 dream:  Me and others eating cooked animal ball sacs.

February 6 dream:  Start work at new place. Barry Bram there. I find out hie’s an editor at the SF Chronicle and a few other things. Then start working for other guy. I work from7 a.m. to 1 p.m. When I ask for lunch from 1-2, he gets upset.

February 6 dream:  Jeannie Maher wants to help me with my book. Mentions the word “epitome.”

February 6 dream:  Refiling and relabeling all the files at work.

February 6 dream:  Cute guy driving me up S.F. hill. Lots of new construction going on.

February 6 dream:  Hanz offers me a seat so we can learn something about Substack.

February 5, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Feel shits coming on. Walk home. Shits. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Hanz there.

February 5 dream:  At my boyfriend’s house. He’s showing a movie he made on his laptop. Some marijuana had gone missing. I stopped him at various points to ask why he included this or that element to his movie. We were sitting around the kitchen table with his family. I decided to take a rest and woke up.

February 5 dream:  My friend wanted me to return to my family home at 14080 (my last childhood address). I said, “I can’t. It’s not mine.” He followed me to parking lot. Lots of fellow kids. Truck goes by. “When can we make the patch match?”

February 5 dream:  Older man sits down at table with younger man. Older man’s hair is shorter. He’s wearing intentionally torn sweat pants. Says he’s interest in “her story.”

February 5 dream:  Three kids drop by. They find food I’ve prepared in the kitchen. I say to my partner, “How much should we charge them?” He says, “Let them have it for free.” He’s right I feel bad for being so ungenerous. On bus ride to L.A. Guy shouting at woman outside my window. Bus drives down narrow beautiful alley. Several drunk Latino guys falling down I joke, “Here we are at 18th & Castro.”

February 5 dream:  Guys playing baseball on the beach. I walk by. Get sucked out to sea and thrown back. Walk thru big temporary housing. Barry Bram there. Woman says to him, “Are you a man of mystery?”

February 4, 2021:  Got up late. Called VA re: rash. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Two cops pushing car up Ocean Avenue. Beautiful strawberry blond guy in white T-shirt at US Bank on Mission Street. Talk with Lee at G.P. Then G.C.P. Then Starbucks Portola. Talk with Kaleb. #43 home. Insight: Rash began after Trump left office on January 20.

February 4 dream:  People from Collier’s taking submissions for column in garage-type area.

February 4 dream:  Me and two other guys trying to get something to eat before we go. I get two forks. My teammate’s friend is sick with AIDS-like symptom.

February 4 dream:  Building in S.F. falls down due to causes stemming from World War II. We have to run to get out of the way. I’m sitting with Bill Floyd and his sister. Bill runs his lips over mine several times. Then his sister asks if I want a coffee. I say, “Sure. I’ll come with you.” She says, “That means neither of us leaves the building.” Earlier: Bill looking over movie listings at the mall.

February 4 dream:  Talking about election of Joe Biden. Two tall dark penguins standing behind us. As soon as we started talking to them, they turned into people.

February 3, 2021:  In bad mood all day ’cause of some of the dreams from last night (*Later I realized it related to the Berniecrats meeting this evening and once I had made this connection, my mood brightened and a proposal I made was approved by acclamation.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Anthony there. We talk briefly. I asked him about his hair. He said he woke up with wild hair. I said, “That sounds like a good thing.” #43 home. Get off a bit early to intercept cute runner with high-cut runner shorts. Watch Trial of Adolph Eichmann. Berniecrats at 6:30 p.m.

February 3 dream:  Walking along Market Street at night in the fog. See three friends on stools jutting out from billboard. I get out camera to take photo. Homeless guy on the street thinks I want to take photo of him. Then he comes after me. I am laying on the sidewalk pushing myself backwards with my feet.

February 3 dream:  Putting things in alphabetical order. Then they’re not. Co-worker is not helpful.

February 2, 2021:  Call asking for John in a.m. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. G.P. Then C.G.P. Then muted trumpeter as I approach Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Insight: Maybe my feeling of ecstatic joy with John was not so much due to John but due to the potential freedom from my father. Insight: Better question to my father: Not “Did you do this to me?” but “Did I allow you to do this to me?”

February 2 dream:  Visit Arnold Schwarzenegger’s house. Photos on the wall of Tom O’s performance as an escape artist. I’m on couch sleeping. Suddenly wife says, “Arnold’s home” and she shuts my door.

February 2 dream:  Get in fight with store clerk trying to get some change fast ’cause I have something cooking at home.

February 2 dream:  Getting ready to be minister at big wedding in Fresno or someplace like that. Wear my black sports coat with threads hanging down. Pull on some threads. Keep getting side-tracked by host and not-very-nice woman guest. Host asks me if I want to do something with her (the not-very-nice woman). I say, “Nope.”

February 2 dream:  Stay home from work. Get call for 4 day temp job at night. Didn’t call in to work to let them know I wouldn’t be there. Am rooming with Trish M. from DOJ.

February 1, 2021:  3:15 p.m. anonymous call. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk up Portola. Hawk midway. Anthony at Starbucks. He has green hair today. He started classes last week. He’s taking four classes: Critical Thinking, The ’60s, Visual Anthropology and something about the ocean. He said he’d see me Wednesday. (Our 2nd date!!!). Insight: The rash on my side is my (internal) father upset that he’s losing me to somebody else. 2nd Insight: Ecstasy and terror from connection with John in January ’87: Ecstasy was prospect of being with John. Terror was reaction of my (internal) father.

February 1 dream:  Packing up to leave soon. Will head north.

February 1 dream:  About to give a presentation on board ship. Fellow sailor says they have to wash the area down first. Two cute little guys who are hot for me. One jealous of the other.

January 31, 2021:  See “Perfect” online. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola wearing new (tighter) Adidas pants. CVS. My vegetable guy at M.S. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. I’m the only one on bus for a while. See beautiful man on street. Get off bus a few stops later and try to find him. We pass each other. I follow him down Plymouth. Finally catch up with him. He looks lost. I say, “Do you need directions?” He says, “No.” I say, “OK.” (*Relates to “Perfect” from earlier in the day?)

January 31 dream:  Somebody tapped me on the shoulder while I was sleeping. I had to wake myself up.

January 31 dream:  Handing out water-skiing tickets to everybody at event. Didn’t see J. there even though he usually is.

January 31 dream:  Amherst(?) plus $31/mo. equals full fire coverage.

January 31 dream:  Sign up for gameshow. Spend most of the day waiting. ‘Til 8 p.m. Finally they come out. And I wake up.

January 31 dream:  “Borrow” government car to drive down the street a few blocks.

January 31 dream:  Party with Elliot D. and other guy I like. Everyone in yellow T-shirts. There’s going to be a party later.

January 30, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola Drive. Then over to Teresita to Safeway. Cute teenager raking a gutter on Teresita. I say, “There’s plenty to rake.” He laughs. Safeway. No Isaac. No Israel. No Alan. No bag boy. #43 home. Insight: Looking up photos of beautiful near naked male model on Google Images. Notice a few of him making funny faces. I didn’t like that. You don’t get to be both sexy and likable!

January 30 dream:  Carol Burnett is the biggest star on TV. Had to be taken down a peg or two.

January 30 dream:  Getting ready to do short comedy bit with a few other comedians after a Republican meeting featuring George Bush. My opening line, “I’m the anti-Ira,” referring to Ira who spoke before.

January 30 dream:  Bought metaphysical book. Inside was a note to me from Calvin H. about one of his classes. Talking with weird airy-fairy guy at table.

January 30 dream:  Realized the comedy dream I just had was about me and others having sex with Hugh John.

January 29, 2021:  In ’til 1:30 p.m. Take #29 and #49. Head back. Cute skateboarder with wry smile at Ocean and Cayuga. Take J train to Duboce. Go to Love & Haight Computers. Get upgrade to MacBook Pro. Walk back via Castro. Walk up Market to Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Late for Prosperos Round Table. Tom C. not there.

January 29 dream:  Scary movie. Woman with knife threatens us. Throws knife into the wall. Leaves house without key. Then when the door closes, she opens it. Only it is some other tenant. Putting on play with guy I like playing Buffalo Bob. Girl is talking to him. I accidentally knock over bottle of vitamins. He laughs.

January 29 dream:  Getting off work, kind of fly around theme park area looking for place to eat. Sit under tree. Then two big serpents come edging towards me. Then young woman in white business suit holding onto a banana. She said that she “holded” two positions. I said “Held.” She said, “Holded.”

January 29 dream:  Big fat scary guy comes on train. Pushes people around. I’m sitting on the floor. I don’t get up. I kind of figure it’s a dream, so I don’t get out of his way. He walks by.

January 28, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Walgreens. Then to Excelsior library. “Soup Nazi” at Excelsior library. Then to G.P. Then to G.C.P. Two coyotes in G.C.P. Guys says to me, “They’re not interested in us. They’re interested in gophers. (*Relates to J. on January 29?) Starbucks. #43 home. Memory: Walking into dressing room at Prosperos center in Santa Monica and a shirtless Thane giving me a wry smile.

January 28 dream:  Laura H. watches me pee.

January 28 dream:  Elegant Eugene, Oregon, resto. Guy with “Oregon State” T-shirt.

January 27, 2021:  Two anonymous calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Shits just before leaving. Cold day. Walk down Ocean to Starbucks Target. Get matcha latte. Really sweet and pretty girl named Sadie takes my order. She says, “How’s your day going?” I say, “Pretty good, now.” Also guy from Oregon State. I say, “I went there.” He says, “Go Beavs!” Walk home. Take out a lot of recycling and garbage. Watch San Andreas in p.m.

January 27 dream:  Rush to get to job interview at 2:30 in Room 564. Guy says, “Did you drop out of Harvard or wherever it was you went?” I said, “I finished college.” The job was for some sort of supervisor position. I had to be somewhere else at 3 p.m.

January 27 dream:  Lining everything up to catch the #22 bus. Remove uprooted tree from platform.

January 27 dream:  After big festival, arrange cookies in tray. Saw Carol Carter, Billye T. and many others.

January 26, 2021:  9 am call with Justice Democrats. I signed NDA to volunteer for them. In ’til 3ish. Rainy and cold day. Walk down Ocean. Then turn back. Realize back pain from hier may relate to hier’s “mask off” moment and me being internally vulnerable to my father’s anger. Get matcha latte at Starbucks Target. Go home. Try on new Adidas paints. They are way too small. Order new pants. Walk to UPS to return old pants. Cute guy at UPS tried to deflect my gaze. Walk to Walgreens to return old pants. Get comments twice from bystanders who complimented me on my wearing shorts and flip-flops in the rain.

January 26 dream:  Wooden table in back needs re-doing.

January 26 dream:  Dream about … votes in Coolidge’s day.

January 26 dream:  Thane giving a talk. I’m the only one in the room and I’m sitting hi his chair. Think I should get up. Then let it go.

January 26 dream:  At resto, bill is $185 for all of us. Someone tells me the bill has been taken care of. Woman says, “Are you mad at me?” I say, “I’m just worried about the party tonight.” I wanted to wrap individual presents for all the guests.

January 25, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Windy day. Walk down Ocean and up Portola. As I think, “I should ask Anthony out,” guy walking by me smiles and nods. So I go to Starbucks. Anthony there. At end of our conversation, I say, “We should get together sometime.” He says, “Yeah. Of course, school is starting so there may not be a lot of time.” On my way out door gust of wind reached into my paper bag and grabbed my mask. Don’t realize ’til I get to bus stop, so I have to walk home. Bend over at one point to pick up my pen. Felt big pain the my back.

January 25 dream:  Have big pile of DVDs to go thru. Laura H. thinks I do the occasional drugs. I point at hallway. “If ever there was something which would make me do drugs again, it would be this hallway.”

January 25 dream:  At weekend retreat, being led by tough drill sergeant type guy. At end of day we are partnered up with women to simulate “dance and attack.”

January 25 dream:  Passing out post cards for big gay event. I’m at Market & Van Ness.

January 25 dream:  In fancy new bus terminal, talking about…

January 24, 2021:  Leg scab comes off. In ’til 3ish. Rainy day. Walk up Portola to CVS. Then M.S. Talked with my vegetable guy. Then Starbucks. Anthony there. He showed me his drawings on his phone. Said he’d probably see me tomorrow. Asked if I’d be here. I said yes. Our first date!!! #43 home. Randy from Portland at W.F. Key & Peele marathon in p.m. Insight: John H. is the emotional equivalent of my father wrapped up in a young and attractive package. I think that’s why I unconsciously chose him to be my emotional mirror.

January 24 dream:  Trying to arrest 74 million people.

January 23, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. We discussed vaccines mostly. Online work. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee there. Try to joke with him but I don’t think he understood me. Walk to Safeway. Jun closed. Bag boy plus Isaac at checkout. He and Israel have known each other for 10 years. Both went to same elementary school. Isaac went to Raoul Wallenberg H.S. He was wearing a mask which said something like “If all else fails, be kind.” He said he got it from his mother.

January 23 dream:  Going out to get something to eat after a hard day’s work.

January 23 dream:  Offer to re-carpet lady’s living room. I like her. She lives in San Fernando Valley. Green hills. Tall, good-looking guy with metallic teeth comes in. Puppy poops on floor. I get a postcard addressed to me at London, England.

January 23 dream:  Driving my Mercedes in N.Y. The brakes don’t work too well and I can’t see where I’m going. I figure I’m going to die. Then I’m on subway and strange woman calms me down.

January 22, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola to CVS. Talk with Pat. Then Starbucks. Talk with Anthony. (*Relates to hawk from hier. Saw hawk twice. First time related to Pat. Second time related to Anthony.) I asked Anthony when I would see his paintings. He said he’d put them on his phone for next time we met. #43 home. Beautiful Asian goy whose black hair covered his face on #43. Tall, well-built black guy who said he liked my “Frisco” T-shirt. Almost forgot about Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Came in late, about 6. Tom C. there. Also Hanz. Al H. left shortly I arrived.

January 22 dream:  Setting up for 8:30 p.m. show at exhibition tables. Derek Lamar there. I’m working myself to the bone. Bruises on my arm.

January 22 dream:  Thane stops by center. He will be giving talk in a few days. I point out poem posted on bulletin board. He just had a heart attack. Earlier he talked to me alone with one other student.

January 22 dream:  Working on Separation 8 document. Katherine T. may have taken document home with her.

January 21, 2021:  No anonymous calls today. Rebecca Ziskind calls me from New Orleans informing me that Bruce King died on October 20. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. then G.C.P. Hawk on Amber Drive. Buy Chron at M.S. Starbucks. #43 home.

January 21 dream:  Group had to decrease its size by a few people so guy with knife started stabbing people.

January 21 dream:  At awards ceremony win 76 inch long candy cane. Then go to Lafayette Park or try to. I may be in some sort of cult.

January 21 dream:  Was at very nice party. People were talking about Clair Gold as a star ’cause she was a grandmother and she went to Europe eery year and sold her wares. I was hanging out with Chuck Schaefer at  end and I was going to go home but he convinced me I didn’t have to.

January 20, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. Shits just before I leave. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Ocean. Long-haired guy on Ocean. Up Portola to M.S. Tried to get in red-haired Margaret’s line but she evaded me. Starbucks. Asian guy on Portola. #43 home.

January 20 dream:  Traveler would appear with right wrist covered. Then would disappear. This followed several times with different travelers.

January 20 dream:  Go to cafe to pass out political literature. Run into Leigh who is doing the same. I say to her, “I didn’t know you were aa corporate Democrat.” She says, “Yes, I am.”

January 19, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Beautiful young man in blue and white Spandex shorts and multi-colored mask stops at tree to stretch his legs (and show off a bit). On to library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Two female dogs hold onto same stick trying to figure out who is the alpha. See same Asian guy on Amber Drive from November 5. Starbucks. #43 home.

January 19 dream:  Trying to go over my presentation in the body of a black drag queen ’cause I’m too lazy to switch back to my own body.

January 19 dream: Instructor eats shit just to show us it can be done?

January 19 dream:  Get very emotional over 2nd anniversary of MLK’s death while visiting poor family.

January 19 dream:  Hear gunshot!

January 18, 2021:  Anonymous call about 10:30 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Beautiful man with stud earring in car at 7-11 parking lot. See “Hot.” Walk up Portola to Starbucks. Anthony there. Significant eye contact. (*Relates to three hawks from hier?) #43 home.

January 18 dream:  Work on magazine I started. Couldn’t remember the name of it. (h.o.)

January 18 dream:  Order pizza but not the kind I really want. See Norma Keller for 2nd night in a row in same seat in theater. I tell her that. Then take pee. Then run into some young boys who invite me to play ball with them sometime. I ask where they live. Oldest one says it’s some no account town.

January 18, 2021:  Anonymous call about 10:30 a.m. (*Relates to three hawks from hier?)

January 17, 2021:  Work online. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Ocean and Portola to Starbucks. Realized hawk and two crows from January 14 relate to anonymous call on January 15. Staff at Starbucks see me coming and give me my matcha latte right away. Walk down Teresita. Three hawks? Bag boy at Safeway tells me Isaac just left. And that Isaiah (read Israel) now works in the deli. View Men for Sale (about Montreal sex workers) in p.m.

January 17 dream:  Talk with beautiful man about Goth book he’s reading. Then talk with beautiful woman about her former job and female boss.

January 17 dream:  Nancy O’s dog and cat getting along. Woman sleeping in laundry room.

January 17 dream:  Scab finally comes off.

January 16, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. Only six of us. Heather spoke of new short film called “Another Hay Ride” about Louise Hay’s weekly meetings for people with AIDS in the ’80s. Brought back memories of the Metaphysical Alliance. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then talk briefly with Lee at G.P. Then G.C.P. Then my Asian afro friend at M.S. ignores me. Then so does Pat at CVS, who looks more muscular than ever. #43 home. Beautiful Russell Brand lookalike in back seat. I compliment him on his outfit. He says, “Thanks.”

January 16 dream:  Working at video production center.

January 15, 2021:  Go to VA for 11 a.m. checkup at Urology Dept. Strange nurse. Nice Dr. Shee feels my balls. Says they’re looking good. Walk to 9th & Judah. Go to W.F. Notice beautiful eyelashes of black security guard on entering. Then he greets me. Talk with Joe from December 18. He has tattoos all over his arm, but not his torso yet. Greet security guard again on way out. Anonymous call at 1ish. When there is no response, I say, “Aw, come on!” Nap. Prosperos Round Table in p.m. Have run-in with Janet C. and Clint L. Tom C. there. For first time I didn’t much like him. Shits in p.m. Translate new noisy neighbor below me. Realize that my sillygism around crime and punishment is: If I’m being punished (or in pain), then I must have committed a crime. Conclusion: I live in a pain-free, crime-free Universe.

January 15 dream:  On bus ride. People in back, including baby, were not going to be seated at resto and they needed to be. So I awoke from my seat to be sure it was handled.

January 15 dream:  Student talking about Pearl S. Buck books.

January 15 dream:  Calvin and I and others being held up by a crane on a truck being driven around a steep corner overlooking a lake by a clumsy driver.

January 15 dream:  Woman lends me pillow. I try to give it back. She says to keep it. I stand in line to see if I can give it so somebody else. I smile at woman at counter. She says, “You can have anything ’cause you’re cute.” I look around ’cause didn’t know if she was talking to me.

January 14, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola to M.S. Hawk and two crows. Starbucks. #43 home. See beautiful view of ocean. Get off bus and go back. View has changed. Girl skateboarder on pedestrian bridge. She’s admiring the view. I think, “No, this isn’t the right view. It was different a few minutes ago.” #43 home again. Little kids on jungle gym say, “Look at me! Look at me!” I take photo of them.

January 13, 2021:  Hear “Expect the Unexpected.” In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Buy pen which doesn’t work Exchange for one that does. G.C.P. Adam and Monica at Starbucks. Cute little girl smiles at me on Sydney. #43 home. Follow guy to McD’s. He goes on. I go in briefly.

January 13 dream:  Crab cakes being served. I drop mine on the floor.

January 13 dream:  Guy takes his plan to YouTube.

January 12, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then took Diamond Heights Blvd. to Market. M.S. Starbucks #43 home. Nasty, old lady on #43.

January 12 dream:  Stacy, a young black co-worker, lives for only a few months.

January 12 dream:  Reading an American history book about John Ruskin, John James and others. Girls remind me to bring olives to class for an experiment

January 11, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk Ocean to Portola to Starbucks. Adam there. #43 home. Watch Misfits, Season One, in p.m.

January 11 dream:  My British boss lady runs off several letters for me to take care of before she leaves. One is about an executive who avoids S.F.

January 11 dream:  Go to Vegas in just my shorts. Somebody had taken my jacket. Pass by gay camp. Guy says, “I think you’ll like it.” Try to register for room in movie theater. Guy is very helpful but sick with cough, etc.

January 11 dream:  Getting ready to fly to Japan or China from S.F. Accidentally pee on my pants at urinal.

January 11 dream:  Drive to Waipoo. In van up narrow desert region of S.F. high mountains filled with old sculptures, heads of classic Greek men. Then 2nd car ride. I get my jacket caught in car door.

January 10, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Run into (2nd) cute Asian guy from December 20. Follow him to Lakeside as I did on December 20. Then up W.P. and Ulloa to M.S. Follow cute guy into M.S. but lose him. Talk briefly with Evan. Starbucks. #43 home.

January 10 dream:  Making dessert for the family. The kitchen has been re-arranged and needs to be set back.

January 10 dream:  Thane at party sitting on chair alone. He says, “I’m looking for Gloria Runyon.” I say, “I can find her it you want.” He says, “No.” I pick up a pen and give it to him. Later Tom C. being his usual playful self.

January 10 dream:  There will be a date of completion.

January 9, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. Ugur was being a bit of a smart-ass. Talk with Ned Henry later. His photo of Tom C. as a young man, which he posted on the BB, undid me for most of the day. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola and down Teresita to Safeway. Isaac and Alan there. #43 home.

January 9 dream:  Looking for place. Told not to ask boss’s son. Did anyway. Later out partying. Person I was hoping would show up did not show up.

January 9 dream:  Take bus thru really homeless part of city. Someone unlocks my apartment from outside. I bolt it shut.

January 9 dream:  Am late to class. Climb thru moat and up rocky path to get in window. Then realize I forgot my book. “Fuck!” Climb back. Young kid climbing into class as I leave.

January 9 dream:  Have beautiful visit to Portland, Oregon. Then get lost. People trying to help me. Woman comes into store with flyer about show about S.F.

January 8, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Then M.S. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table. Tom C. there. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Then Berniecrats. Shahid spoke briefly.

January 8 dream:  Taking final exam. All classes in one room. I thought it was a pretty easy test. He just asked about all the things we had discussed. Guy next to me thought it was very hard.

January 8 dream:  Jeremy Ruskin.

January 7, 2021:  Jerk off in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then to G.P. Sudoku on bench. Take shit at G.C.P. restroom. On to Starbucks Portola. #43 home.

January 7 dream:  Taking written test.

January 7 dream:  Older guy takes me out to dinner without his younger friend. We almost drive into huge clear beautiful pool. He turns left into about 6 inches of bay water. We go to resto where we are going to share a hot dog.

January 7 dream:  Go to big hole/construction site in L.A. Go down long steps to reach it. Then automatic stairs back up. I’m late for a dinner. Norma Keller let’s me have what remains and smiles at me.

January 7 dream:  Waiting with others to sign off on something.

January 6, 2021:  Order new sheets from Macy’s. In ’til 3ish. MAGA-heads invade Congress. Walk up Portola to Starbucks. #43 home. Berniecrats in p.m is replaced by Harvey Milk-sponsored meeting of groups on the left and unions to discuss today’s invasion of the Capitol. Really turned me off to the Milk Club. Get anonymous call right after the meeting.

January 6 dream:  Dog and man on hunt. Dog saves man. (h.o.)

January 6 dream:  Bad boy Bradley Manning returns after long time away. I drop what I’m dong. So does another. (h.o.)

January 6 dream:  Steve Oneven.

January 5, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Georgia elections. Yay!!!

January 5 dream:  Hillary Clinton, a broad-shouldered guy named Leslie, and other person are competing. Hillary takes her opponent’s yellow wax crayon and applies it to an energy source to gauge its output.

January 5 dream:  A friend of mine had an old Shakespearian book and asked me, “Where is that passage?” We were at some fair or festival.

January 5 dream:  I introduce Democrat. Tom Selleck introduces Trump. My guy hasn’t shown up yet. I drive thru parking lot looking for him. Finally end up in garage elevator with me on one side of barrier and the car on the other.

January 5 dream:  Clearing out cage on pole. Throw a lot of stuff out. Tom C. there.

January 4, 2021:  Get call in a.m. saying studio apt. is available for me at 55 Laguna. After waiting for woman to email me the application forms, I decide to go down there in person. Then walk back thru the Castro and up Market to M.S. and Starbucks Portola. Cute black child dancing in front of his parents on Castro. Hawk on upper Market? Then slip and almost fall. Red-haired Margaret at M.S. Anthony at Starbucks would not even look at me. #43 home. Spend an hour or two filling out forms for Mercy Housing. Finally get email with photos of apartment and I’m really not impressed. Think I’ll have to pass on it. (*Relates to 2nd dream of January 3?)

January 4 dream:  Staying in N.Y. for a few weeks (but keeping my California apartment) with 3 or 4 others. I’m sleeping on the carpeted floor. Someone is looking for Ben.

January 4 dream:  Trying to get into 8th floor of building where I used to live to pass out pamphlets. Also to see book publisher. Later woman who likes me drives by in her jeep with lots of rough-looking guys. I had piece of chalk in my mouth.

January 3, 2021:  Hugh John calls in a.m. Later anonymous call. In ’til 4:30ish. Walk up Portola to CVS and Starbucks. Kaleb there. #43 home. Anonymous call around 7 p.m.

January 3 dream:  On the way to David Letterman’s studio. They may be filming. On the way we see the two Crane brothers, Frasier and Niles.

January 3 dream:  Win Hawaiian vacation but don’t claim it for a while. When I get home it’s dark and my sister gives me the phone saying it’s the newspaper I need to speak with about the prize. (*I think this relates to call today asking if I’m still interested in living at 55 Laguna.)

January 3 dream:  Group of us sitting at U-shaped tables discussing maleness and femaleness. At one point someone says, “We’re seen your mom.” I say, “Actually, she’s my step-mother.”

January 3 dream:  I’m sitting next to my boyfriend. He needs a light. We’re with one or two other male couples.

January 2, 2021:  Translation workshop at 9 a.m. Sara Walker shares her Translation. Found credit card bill I thought had never been mailed to me. Online work. Nap. Haircut at 2 p.m. Great to see Jun again. I told him I was looking at houses. He told me he’d drive me to look at them if I wanted. Safeway. Clean bathtub. Living room rug.

January 2 dream:  At work. Supervisors come in and watch over us. Frightening ’cause I don’t have much to do except straighten things up.

January 2 dream:  Visit comedy club. Guy does bad routine. Two women get up on stage and make out. Then we’re in car in S.F. Then Portland. I’m talking with guy in back seat about the Paris section of Portland. His shirt pops open. Then driver “drip-dries” the car, i.e., let’s the car fall into its own parking space. And we go into some sort of mall.

January 1, 2021:  Bills and monthly BB in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola and M.S. Then Starbucks. Kaleb there but busy. #43 home. Watch documentary on narcissistic abuse. Realize it wasn’t just John H., but both my father and my step-mother were narcissists. (*Relates to wild turkey from hier?) Feels like this just dawned on me. They used the classic narcissistic ploys: Gas-lighting, like pretending that I was the one who didn’t want to be part of the family even though I was doing everything I could think of to be part of the family; Confusing me, lying to me, like my father saying to me at one point that I never really wanted him to remarry. Then later denying he had ever said it. Like him treating his own mother so rudely and when I called him on it, just denying it. Realized that this was probably the solution to my Rosa Parks dream, the dream where I have a Rosa Parks moment, followed by a football game in Dallas, followed by two simultaneous football games in Miami and Washington, D.C. My Rosa Parks experience was standing up to Doris M. at TRI Commercial back in 1995. The Dallas football game was the so-called family reunion in the ’80s when my father asked me, “Do you think this [the family] is just a big lie?” The simultaneous games in Miami and Washington, D.C., relate to my realization today that Harriet (Miami) and my father (Washington, D.C.) were gas-lighting and lying to me. That I was not the crazy one, the misfit, the loner. I was just being told that that was who I was. That my parents were narcissists and that it had nothing to do with me personally.

January 1 dream:  My big toe nail falls off.

January 1 dream:  Heather and I get in fight about workshop time and place.

December 31, 2020:  Facebook message with Jun in a.m. Makes me feel good. Posted “House of Flowers” with the lines “Won’t you come live with me? I’d come live with me if I were you, if I were you.” Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then Lee at G.P. See wild (but fearless) turkey grazing on Arbor Street. Then G.C.P. See Coyote Lady on exiting. Evan and my Asian afro friend at M.S. Kaleb and Monica at Starbucks. Kaleb came out here at 17 from small town in South Carolina three years ago or so. (*Realize hawks from December 29 may relate to Kaleb today instead of Anthony hier.)

December 31 dream:  Starting a job agency to find what people are really suited for and what they love.

December 31 dream:  Visit Aunt Joanne’s home. A lot of it doesn’t seem lived in. I think, “If I lived here, I’d make it a nicer. . . . . or for couch in the living room.” Also Leigh and two other youngsters.

December 31 dream:  Reading that Truth is always employed. At Prosperos center, decide to take my meal here. Friend offers to drive me.

December 31 dream:  Getting ready for big gay event. Lots of people in the crowd I know. End up at in bleacher next to young Russian guy who sort of comes on to me. Then, at 5 p.m, we drive off presumably to get a better view of the parade (or to be in the parade).

December 31 dream:  Driving off to political event. People are disguised as various political people. Melissa is there. Or is it Beth Kuper? People keep mistaking me for Gerald Ford.

December 30, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola to Starbucks. Anthony goes into the bathroom just as I arrive. (*Relates to two hawks from hier, I believe.) #43 home. #ForceTheVote online in p.m.

December 30 dream:  Trying to get Tom O. ready to go. (h.o.)

December 30 dream:  Jimmy Dore visiting me. Anne Bollman calls. Jimmy harasses her.

December 30 dream:  Friend and  I “watching the dogs” from high place. We go down to buy a pair of jeans for the next day or so of our journey. Nancy and Laurie in car wave at me to join them. Big Cadillac runs into convertible. Black man comes up and asks if one of the vultures is pink says something about the 11th vulture.

December 29, 2020:  Tough nite last nite. Got up and jerked off. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Guy with “Chicago” T-shirt. Then G.C.P. My “Loom” friend not there again. I’m thinking he may have been a tulpa. On to G.C.P. Two hawks circling at the edge of the park. Go to M.S. looking for my sweet “girlfriend.” She’s not there. Go to Starbucks. #43 home. Really sweet Muni driver. Follow guy into McD’s. Turns out he’s a she. I asked her if she had already ordered. She was incredibly beautiful and exotic with extra make-up on her eyes and eye lashes. Her look was kind of shocking. (*Relates, I think, to hawk on Portola from hier.) Insight: My step-mother hated me so much ’cause we were both using my father as meal ticket.

December 29 dream:  Tom O’s girlfriend arrives home while I’m sleeping there.

December 29 dream:  Pick my nose in preparation for something fun. (h.o.)

December 29 dream:  Getting ready for big party in somebody’s back yard. Lots of chairs set up. Something going on next door as well.

December 29 dream:  Big event in S.F. (like Pride). Indoors ghost of train comes barreling thru crowd. After, see Martin Crane (Frasier’s TV father) talking to somebody about ownership of a car dealership?

December 29 dream:  Mary L. lends me her health notebook, but writes her name on the cover. I shut my door so she won’t see me naked but I go out into the hallway with my butt exposed.

December 29 dream:  Black guys takes my black leather jacket. It’s too tight on him. I go after him.

December 28, 2020:  Anonymous call at about 2:45 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola. Hawk flies from Mt. Davidson to Edgehill Mt., circling near me. Anthony at Starbucks Portola. Had not seen him for a long time. Found out he’s an art student at SFSU. Tell him I look forward to him displaying his artwork at Starbucks. He said maybe after the pandemic they would do that. Also Mau. #43 home. Finish viewing Mr. Mercedes, Season 3.

December 28 dream:  Oprah in detention. Not shutting up.

December 28 dream:  Old book compiled in 1929 about the founding of a town called Hewit. Talking with some old folks about it

December 27, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk out Ocean to Portola. Accidentally step on “Jupiter Ascending” DVD at 7-11. Guy wearing “Chicago” T-shirt on Portola. No Starbucks or M.S. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. #43 home. Anonymous call at 5:46 p.m. (*Relates to hearing hawk hier in G.C.P.?)

December 27 dream:  A couple of books are still out from weekly FYL-group which is almost over. One guy returns his book to me. He goes in one room. I’m in the other.

December 27 dream:  On a Navy ship at sea. I feel safe ’cause it’s an American ship. John Wayne swimming along side of us. He’s a strong swimmer but his mind is gone.

December 27 dream:  I live in black house, upstairs. Someone made a derogatory comment about blacks. I go upstairs and support them.

December 27 dream:  Staying at strange, dirty house between races. Others there with me. I open up the fridge and it makes a loud noise which everyone is concerned about. Also, it’s empty and full of insects. Young man complains to me about something and says I should let Ron know. I tell him that Ron is not a real person.

December 26, 2020:  Translation group in a.m. At one point I am asking people to volunteer to do a Translation for next week and I get kind of pushy, not wanting anybody to get away with anything. I think my father self took over. I quickly reversed course, but it shocked me. (*Relates to 2nd dream of December 25?) Have orgasm for first time since my operation on December 10. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. No “Loom” friend. Hear hawk and then owl on way out of park. Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Watch holocaust documentary in p.m. Wash clothes.

December 26 dream:  Guy complained about being in Oregon Shakespeare festival and not being well-compensated. Later they talked of how wonderful East Berlin has become, like the East Village in NYC.

December 25, 2020:  Heather calls in a.m. Sarah calls later. In ’til 3ish. Rainy day. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb not there. #43 home. Turkey TV dinner in p.m.

December 25 dream:  A couple is made king and queen of France who aren’t even French. We set up table on the side with French flag on it and some begin singing La Marseillaise.

December 25 dream:  At nice mall, eat container of cottage which tastes ok. Then I see mold and old grapes inside. Try to see expiration date. The can is a can of clams. Talk with Harriet. I tell her the students will be let out soon. She says there’s some kind of disease going around. (*Relates to Translation group on December 26?)

December 25 dream:  Beautiful elegant woman sits next to me. Makes catty comments about other beautiful elegant woman who sat there before and now is sitting in the next seat up.

December 25 dream:  Naked Mario Lopez sits in bed in front of me. Then gets up and goes to another bed. Another naked guy stops by. I ask him if he’s seen the new boxing fad in Las Vegas where someone takes on several boxers, one after the other, all in brief trunks.

December 25 dream:  Fellow worker points out two or three places near work where I could move to. I take pee before returning to work.

December 24, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Tulpa following me on Ocean? Then on to G.P. Pass by Sudoku on bench. Walk to G.C.P. Run into “Loom” guy again. We talk about 20 minutes. His name is Tom Higgins. He’s from Chicago, out here to start new company called Argo Aerodynamics(?) Later see Janet the Coyote Lady. Walk on to M.S. Hope to run into sweet girl I bypassed hier. She wasn’t there. But had nice connection with two Asian workers and my Asian afro friend there. Gave $5 to my homeless friend. Kaleb at Starbucks #43 home. Smoke alarm goes off in p.m. as I’m trying to make pasta. Kind of throw up (not as much as last night) again.

December 24 dream:  At new job, trying to figure out what to do.

December 24 dream:  Thane giving class. I’m in front row . Perry D. or Billye T. sitting near me with lots of cash in suitcase. Then Thane is suddenly in another place. Then he is where Perry/Billye used to be.

December 23, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Try out new shoes. No problems so far. Walk up Portola to M.S. Have checkout choice between young guy I didn’t know and sweet girl I liked. Chose guy. Shouldn’t have. Kaleb at Starbucks. He talks a lot about what’s been going on with the virus and at Starbucks. Said he’d be working on December 24 and 25 since he has no family. #43 home. Throw up in p.m. while watching TV.

December 23 dream:  Guy with only a video head. I called him into the next room. He wanted to make sure I knew that only his head was attached.

December 23 dream:  I asked guy to show me his gun license.

December 23 dream:  Trying to get the train out of Eugene, Oregon. May have left my car in Corvallis.

December 23 dream:  Adding up monthly accounts. Handwrite them instead of type them so I have to do it over.

December 22, 2020:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Run into nice young man in glasses sitting under a tree reading The Loom of Language. On to Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Get off three steps early to view the “Great Conjunction.” I think I saw it.

December 22 dream:  Get lost in the upper regions of S.F. Come across good-looking, shirtless guy who says, “All I want is money.” I throw down all my change. He chases me. Run into fancy modern construction site where some big top secret project is underway. I try to get back to the Castro. Giant bears (2 or 3 times the size of normal bears) wrestling each other and woman trainer.

December 21, 2020:  Shahid Buttar calls in a.m. Then anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola to Teresita to Safeway. Alan there. Pleased that I remembered his name. Sweet cowering dog outside. Later stopped by W.F. Stood in line to get checked out by Randy from December 17. As soon as it was my turn, he left and somebody else took his place.

December 21 dream:  Trying to recover from always looking at my wounds all the time(?)

December 21 dream:  The Prosperos Assembly banquet was taken over by guys who thought it was their home. Some of those guys in my family. Nancy Lee there. Bob Matusiak. Many, including me, just left.

December 21 dream:  John H. tells me to look up Joe Berry.

December 21 dream:  From beautiful wood balcony where Bill L. and I live, see and hear reflections of porpoises and birds playing. Not sure if they’re in the sky or a reflection of what’s in the water. Then hear and see tiger climb up to our balcony. I do Truth syllogism. Tiger goes up stairway. Then back. Several men trying to hold it back. I approach it. It gets a little smaller.

December 21 dream:  Muni train doesn’t stop at station. Goes on without tracks. Finally stops in nice clean wet suburban town. We walk back to train.

December 20, 2020:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Run into my Asian friend from December 14. (*Relates to hawk and two crows from hier, I think. Also shits from hier, I think.) Then follow second cute Asian guy down Ocean to Lakeview. Run across 3rd cute guy at food stand. Walk up to W.P. Then up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Lots of noisy customers. #43 home. Insight: My compulsion to eat chocolate every one in a while – I had two chocolate muffins this a.m. – may be due to me never allowing myself to have the “terrible twos.”

December 20 dream:  Get new Eurocard.

December 20 dream:  John F. and I and his dog Lula go out to eat somewhere. He says Lula’s doing better. Aunt Joanne and Harriet also there.

December 20 dream:  John H. in class for gay couples as am I. Later I shop and buy a whole bunch of cotton panties that may not even fit me.

December 20 dream:  Group of us take train on a joy ride. When it ends instead of getting arrested, we come to terms. AOC is one of our lawyers. Woman in our group has severe internal pains due to cancer. I am mad (at God?) and continue eating my chocolate ice cream cone.

December 19, 2020:  Translation group in a.m. Usual suspects. Sarah calls after. Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3:30 or so. Walk out. Drop my keys down the garbage shoot. Run down to office. Fortunately somebody was there and they were able to fish through the garbage and retrieve my keys. Walk to Excelsior. See hawk chased by two crows on Ocean. Go to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee and his mother out of Chrons. On to G.C.P. Evan standing in front of M.S., not looking at me. Then Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home.

December 19 dream:  Getting liquor, cigarettes and material for car we’re supporting in race.

December 19 dream:  At kind of beatnik gathering. My next counseling appointment with Suzanne D. is on Saturday, January 6, at 1:30 p.m. I’m supposed to come up with a name for it.

December 19 dream:  Guy with nice ass in black Speedos lying down in boat. People caressing his ass.

December 18, 2020:  In ’til noonish. #29 and walk to VA. Waiting in doc’s office, get call from wrong number. Makes me feel a little down. Heather calls just as doctor enters room. Have good session. Good rapport with doctor. As I’m leaving VA, cute short guy with tight, red, satin pants runs by. Feels like the Universe is giving me a “palate cleanser” from the earlier wrong phone number. Walk to Arizmendi Bakery on 9th Avenue. Catch #43 home. Then matcha latte at Target. Joe at W.F. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Really good group session with Ned Henry and the usual suspects. Second wrong number call in p.m. (*Relates to first dream of December 13?) Insight: Realized since I was not aggressive with my father, I must have been passive/aggressive. Trying to figure out how, probably by getting aggressive with myself.

December 18 dream:  Trying some online message without the “Louise Hay How Do You Feel You Me?” field. (*Relates to Translation group on Saturday a.m. where we discussed Louise Hay and her methods.)

December 18 dream:  Stop by to help a guy lift a bag of cement up his steps. I have a wheelbarrow which reads “170.”

December 18 dream:  Lance a boil.

December 17, 2020:  Finish BB. Take pee. Get anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. Take K downtown to main library. Walk back up Market to Castro. Run into Anton at Castro & 17th Street. Go down to Castro & 18th to view Anton’s photo of Mary Elaine Botts, a homeless woman who died recently in the Castro. Walk up 18th to Market to M.S. Portola. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Guy with tight black shorts and hairless legs on #43. Go to W.F. Run into Noah and his therapist wife who get really panicky when Noah and I were about to touch elbows. Later meet Randy from Portland, Oregon, at W.F. checkout.

December 17 dream:  Library trying to take away my library privileges ’cause I treat the reference volume too roughly. I am researching five different cases.

December 17 dream:  My Bernie group is talking trash about me and delays our dinner meeting for an hour. I go out to meet with them.

December 17 dream:  Hardware guy tries to make connection between fear and desire from the scrotum. I say, “Did you talk to Tommy [Hilfiger] about that?” He thought I was being sarcastic. I wasn’t. In front of large audience.

December 17 dream:  I buy fake heart. Cashier pretends not to know what it is. Rude woman takes over resto. I try to stay cool.

December 17 dream:  Zoë talking about in-depth course which both Heather and I want to take. Zoë tears up when looking at me.

December 17 dream:  Driving thru beautiful country, bad roads.

December 17 dream:  Eating chocolate candies.

December 17 dream:  Hanging out with girl and guy I’m supposed to have sex with.

December 16, 2020:  Realizing my hydrocele may be coming back. Take shower. Get anonymous call. Maybe not. Don’t know. In ’til 3ish. Walk to M.S. Portola. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home.

December 16 dream:  Kids trying to get away from adults who beat them.

December 16 dream:  Shutting down big corporate operation. Everyone in their dress clothes. Many people getting awards. I sit by somebody . . . on the phone.

December 16 dream:  Back in N.Y after being down in Paris. When it comes up in conversation, I say, “It’s not so great. I was there last weekend.” Though I do remember falling in love with somebody, but can’t remember who. Older man I’m with has been declared sick. So we’re opening all the windows in the apartment and preparing something to eat.

December 16 dream:  Big event golf game scheduled. Everything is ready. Me and motherly woman walk to event. Dusty tortoise in hallway. It opens it’s shell. Woman goes in and doesn’t come out. Video of two guys and girl on beach dancing and guy’s pants come down.

December 16 dream:  Jimmy Dore trying to sell me ¼ acre forest site in Pennsylvania.

December 16 dream:  Find possible book publisher for my book: Lancaster Press. Great Grandma there ordering us around. “Would you rather me be picky or pushy?” I say, “Do we get a choice?”

December 15, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to M.S. Portola. Cute vegetable guy. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Rick Thomas’s “Al Haferkamp Sunday Meeting” email. Released my father in p.m.

December 15 dream:  Woman with letter demanding we do something. People turning dark, then still. Some still alive. We try to escape. Little girl and I go thru big S.F. glass doorway, walking around the already dead.

December 15 dream:  Playing some interview games with fellow students. It’s dark. I manage to turn a light on dimly. Reseat myself. Young woman says she talked with my mother.

December 15 dream:  With a few other people. Ate some clear cheese with oil on it. It was heavenly. It improved my mood. I was in Berkeley and I wondered if I should look for a place there.

December 15 dream:  Joined “pity party” for people without jobs. I just listened. Bill F. was applying for job as V.P. Something about needing more than two teeth, needing two sets of teeth for the job.

December 15 dream:  It’s raining in S.F. In cafe with guy who asked me if I want “real porn.” I say, “Yes.” Lots of homeless sleeping on the laws in the rain. I am walking with guy and girl social workers.

December 14, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. My cute Asian friend from July 22 and August 30 in lobby wearing muscle T-shirt and long hair. I say hello. He is mute. Walk to W.P. Feel shits coming on . Take K home. Nasty woman on K. Walk home from Jules. Get matcha latte at Japanese place. Not very good. Insight: If I become president, than I’d be powerful enough to stand up to my father. (*Just after this insight, get anonymous call at about 7:50 p.m.)

December 14 dream:  In abandoned battle ship, Harriet and Obe and me and some others (Bill F.) settling in for the night. Other strangers start coming in. I try to find place to pee.

December 14 dream: Me being empathetic doctor?

December 14 dream:  Hear one ring of my phone even though is is turned off.

December 14 dream:  My new boss at work. Very nice man tells me he’s interested in AA but never went. He said he couldn’t afford it. I said, “They’re free.” He said his wasn’t. I told him I gave up drinking, too, but not through AA. In line with some other workers, feeling like a man.

December 14 dream:  Chasing cute guy, see Bob M. Compliment him on his haircut. He compliments me on mine.

December 14 dream:  Checking in to visit women’s facility. My female co-workers don’t like me.

December 13, 2020:  Sunday Meeting in a.m. Nine people. Heather’s last for a while. In ’til 3ish. Walk to M.S. Portola. Misty day. Starbucks. #43 home. TYT guy from a few days ago on #43. Shits on getting home.

December 13 dream:  Some young toughs hanging around my door, breaking through the lock. I’m hanging out in my neighbor’s and my yard. Finally realize I can call the police. I dial “0.”

December 13 dream:  In nice house or bar. Guy from Europe calls saying he wants us to watch him commit suicide. I get electronic overview of my life. Chart goes up. Then up again before going down. And then there’s a readout. Hanz there. I have on red shirt which leaves me partly naked. Feel I could fuck anybody. Bill F. takes naked Aunt Nancy into back room.

December 13 dream:  Go off by myself. See some beautiful mountains to photo. Go to small town. Guy I’d like to suck. I think, “I could live here.” Lots of young people hanging out.

Deember 12, 2020:  Translation group in a.m. Online work. Noon online astrology group with Wendy Cicchetii. Take bandage off. No swelling. Take shit. Take shower. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Talked with Lee and his mother. Felt shits coming on again so walked to Safeway briefly. Then #43 home. Cute Asian guy dressed in black. Then down to Target for matcha latte. Two more cute guys on K. Then McDs. Talked with fellow paralegal. Very nice guy. Feel I’m returning to civilization. Translate lymphoma.

December 12 dream:  My black boyfriend going too far giving me a hard time.

December 12 dream:  Acting group which hires “normal people,” people who are not super-beautiful.

December 12 dream:  “New stars of tomorrow” walk across very high walkway without railing.

December 12 dream:  Running on military base towards some meeting place.

December 12 dream:  See new part of S.F. I’d never seen before. My girlfriend stops by. I want to see my boyfriend, too.

December 12 dream:  Sitting in resto with four or five beautiful men and women and their five dogs, each with a different role to play.

December 11, 2020:  VA lady says the pain will increase and the swelling, too. I said, “I’m not taking any pain medication.” And, under my breath, “Fuck you.” In ’til 3ish. No shower ’til tomorrow. Walk to M.S. Portola. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Follow cute young guy with swiveling hips into W.F. I ask him about the organic pumpkin pie he’s looking at. Prosperos Round Table in p.m. Tom C. kind of quiet. Suzanne D. loud. Insight: My father thinks he owns my body. Translate Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis. Conclusion: Truth is infinitely generating and strong.

December 11 dream:  Tom O. and I both living in Hollywood. In laundromat fighting over something. I say to him, “How big and beautiful your arms are.” He’s trying to convince me to have a life in Hollywood.

December 11 dream:  I’m helping woman get ready for Congressional Committee 16.

December 10, 2020:  Go to VA for 10 a.m. appointment. Delay of about two hours. Finally begin surgery at about 3 p.m. (*Hawk at G.C.P. hier relates to doctor who talked to me and wrote “JF” on my stomach.) Wake up two hours later. John F. and Lula come to pick me up. This was the first time I’d “gone under” since my OBE (out of body) experience of sexual abuse with my father when I was 9ish. (*See diary of February 6.) This time I trusted the people I was going under for, even looked forward to it. And, of course, I had already had Suprasex with my doctor. (*Relates to shits from hier on arriving home, I think.) RHS my Dad: “You did this for evil, but God (aka Consciousness, Infinite Mind) meant it for good, so that I would better understand (and utilize) Suprasex.”

December 9, 2020:  VA calls. My operation is tomorrow at 10 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. On to G.P. Have to IOU for Chron. Sudoku on bench. On to G.C.P. Hawk flying at same level as me in valley to my left. Starbucks. #43 home. Shits on getting home.

December 9 dream:  Calvin in new pair of underwear dancing without his new partner. I was his old partner.

December 8, 2020:  Anonymous call in a.m. (*Relates to heart contraction from last night?) In ’til 1ish. #29 and #38 to VA. Black guy with wild hair on #29. I move to sit across from him. Guy with fishing pole on #28. I asked him if he was going fishing. He said he was going to fish off Sutro Baths. Take Covid test at VA. Hot guy on ground floor. I ask him where the blood bank was. Hot guy at blood bank. Walk from VA to 9th & Irving. Hot buy on his bike on 9th Avenue and later in donut shop. #43 home. Another anonymous call in p.m.

December 8 dream:  Sarah tells her therapist that she needs her medication. I tell her therapist, “I’m sure you’ll find them” and walk out of Castro Street resto. (h.o.)

December 8 dream:  Naked, well-built man embracing woman. I try to put umbrella over woman whose soaking wet in only a white dress, dancing in the rain. She says, “Did you let her go?” I say, “I never had her.”

December 8 dream:  Naked guy with great ass walks thru my apartment. Then girl I like from down the hall, who I haven’t seen for quite a while, knocks on my door and wants to know my phone number. I can’t remember it. Then realize she and guy might be together.

December 7, 2020:  Up early concerned about call from VA. They call. My appointment is for tomorrow. Catch up with online work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Buy more Xmas cards. Get “Perfect.” Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Xmas cards in p.m.

December 7 dream:  Someone almost tips over my big multi-story house. By the name of bbb?

December 7 dream:  Finished adding up my numbers.

December 7 dream:  Working in basement job. Cute black guy comes in.

December 6, 2020:  Sunday meeting at 11 a.m. About 16 there. I admit at one point, “I had no idea Caliban had a mother.” Much tsk-tsking from Calvin and others. (*Relates to third dream of December 5 about attending Prosperos Assembly, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola Shopping Center, RHSing my father along the way. Realize that my method of punishing my father was to deny him my happiness. Fiona at M.S. makes me mad. Suddenly my side pain disappears. Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there. #43 home. Call Sarah. Talk with Jonathan as well.(*Relates to hawk from hier?)  VA calls in p.m. to set up appoint to operate on my balls. Abused kid on Suspects, Season 5, Episode 4 says, “It’s all my fault.”

December 6 dream:  Me and young woman on a laughing spree. (h.o.)

December 6 dream:  Gay guys going into theater for talk. Some checking each other out. One checks out me.

December 5, 2020:  Translation group in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola Shopping Center. Really cold day. Take path to Juanita Avenue. See young guy with older heavy-set man. Young guy is holding a fat-tired bicycle. Big guy smiles at me. I walk by. Turn around to get better look at young guy. Heavy-set guy says, “An early Christmas present.” I say, “Yeah, really amazing.” Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Hawk flies over me and lands on tree. Big line at Safeway. Isaac and Alan both there. I say at one point, “The line is moving.” Guy in front of me gives me a dirty look. Later same guy is looking at shelves when checkout stand opens up. I say, “Sir.” He gives me dirty look again. This time I could feel my adrenaline rising up. It was not flight. Made me feel good.

December 5 dream:  Looking for my money(?) (h.o.)

December 5 dream:  Black guy does impression of other black guy and it looks like a theft is in progress.

December 5 dream:  Arrive at Prosperos assembly. Hugh John is walking along the beach. In bus on way in, big clouds of dirty smoke. Daniel Crespo in room. TV doesn’t work unless you hit it. Also washer and dryer. I “accidentally “ bump into Danny from the back. He frowns at me. (*Relates to Sunday Meeting from December 6, I think.)

December 5 dream:  Waiting for woman to pay me. Anxious to get out of the house. She comes up with pail of dirty water. I try to steady her so she doesn’t spill it. She says, “At least the basement floor has been cleaned.” (*Relates to RHSing of my father on December 6?)

December 4, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. RHSing my father for trying to own me and myself for allowing him to. (*Relates to two coyotes from hier? The two coyotes representing my father and my younger self.) See Sudoku in G.P. On to G.C.P. Then M.S. Then Starbucks. Get a matcha latte. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30. Tom C. not there. Al H. there. Try to get Logitech camera fixed. See “Opportunity Knocks.” Watch JoJo Rabbit in p.m. Both May 1 and May 7 mentioned.

December 4 dream:  Get in fight with waiter named Omni. He won’t bring drink that I ordered for my friend. Then he writes something on the back of my jacket that I see on my way out. My heart beating fast.

December 4 dream:  Trying to get to restroom. Climb over some wooden busts in courtroom, taking attention away from the speaker.

December 4 dream:  Am taking care of little girl. She’s very trusting. I love her. She loves me. She has a little yellow mark on her face. She says, “Is that something?” I say, “I don’t know.” I’m carrying her and accidentally knock her head against something. I’m about to tell her, “Don’t think because I’m an adult that I know everything. I’m mostly just as much in the dark as you are.”

December 3, 2020:  Online work. EMDR session with Dr. Hirschfield at 2:30. I knew I trusted him as soon as I saw him on screen. Relived memory of my father and I in his bed when I was 9 years old. Takeaway: My resolve to never have anything to do with him again. Made me feel powerful. In’ til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Guy does donut at Mission and San Carlos Streets. Walk to G.P. See Sudoku on bench. Then on to G.C.P. Woman points out that two coyotes just went up the hill. Usually they stay downhill. Several murders of crows. Try my new London Fog drink at Starbucks. It seems okay. Kaleb there. #43 home.

December 3, 2020:  In cafeteria line. Maynard G. Krebs there.

December 2, 2020:  Get up early at about 8ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then to G.P. Then to G.C.P. Search online for Starbucks drink. Find a solution: London Fog, my old drink before COVID. Made me feel really happy. Starbucks Portola. #43 home. SF Berniecrats at 6:30 p.m. John F. and Mary L. there.

December 2 dream:  Alex G. is remodeling his apartment (kind of a rabbit hole) in an old apartment building. I say to him, “It kind of feels like Thane is here but not here.”

December 2 dream:  Gay couple on 5th floor of apartment on Geary. Also green murky pool on 5th floor. Guy says I am to take his cooking course.

December 2 dream:  Trump about to address the nation. He looks younger and fitter and happier and cockier.

December 2 dream:  Standing in line with woman who wants to know if she can do comedy and DJ. I say, “As far as I know.” I ask he where she has done comedy before. She says, “At some funeral.”

December 2 dream:  Getting ready to masturbate. Harriet walks in. I say, “Hello, Mother.”

December 1, 2020:  Bills. Walk to mailbox. See really attractive guy in white pants and white shirt with little black fanny pack on his cute little fanny. I follow him to downstairs W.F. Then go to mailbox. Stop by W.F. again. See my guy in grocery department. Go up to him and ask about what he’s doing. When I finish, he says, “So long.” I repeat, “So long.” (*Relates to hawk circling on Ocean Avenue hier, I believe.) Go home. Finish monthly BB. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Talk with Lee. Then G.C.P. Decide I can no longer do matcha lattes due to their effect on me. Am pissed about it. Feel like a spoiled child being denied something I really want. Get iced green tea at Starbucks. Then go to Creighton’s next door and talk to woman there for first time in many months. #43 home. Insight: My body problems of adaptability a microcosm of Earth’s problems of adaptability? Other insight: My father was at the apex of the American dream so he felt he had the right to do whatever he liked. Did I inherit some of that mentality? Watch Are You Being Served? Young Mr. Grace says, “My tea bag broke” (again).

December 1 dream:  Thane says, “At 17, I created my first menu.” I’m directly across from him in the back of the room, creating my own menu which is blank at the moment. He says those who are doing this are a very endangered species.

November 30, 2020:  Write “Look up, look up, look up!” blog in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. See hawk circling three times at the 7-11. Then walk to M.S. Talk with my Asian afro friend. Then Starbucks. Anthony there. Wasn’t able to talk with him just like I wasn’t able to talk with my Asian afro friend hier. #43 home. AT&T calls. Wants me to call back during working hours, though they called me at about 8:30 p.m. Hear “passive/aggressive” mentioned in movie. Recall my dream of November 25. Realize I was passive/aggressive towards my father.

November 30 dream:  Visit my late brother’s son. He’s thrilled to see me. He grabs onto my leg.

November 30 dream:  Comforting my little brother.

November 30 dream:  Am given a “press pass.”

November 29, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Pass my Asian afro friend without comment. Talk with my homeless friend. Then walk home via Mt.D. Insight: Realize I remained mad at my father for rejecting me as his lover. My attraction to him? He was a great provider. Later in p.m. accidentally spray my eyes with chemical. I ask myself, “Now what does this mean?” Then remembered Oedipus story. When Oedipus realizes what he has done, he gouges his eyes out.

November 29 dream:  Audition to replace crazy naked guy. Some were just beautiful. One had a sling to hold up his long dick.

November 29 dream:  Go out with a bunch of older people. Have trouble being included in the conversation. Can’t wait to get to my family dinner at 7:30. One of the older persons was at the final presentation of Gore as the nominee.

November 29 dream:  Go to get haircut at outdoor venue. About 30 of us sitting down. Bob Krell there. I think, “I can come back at another time.”

November 29 dream:  In Paris. Lots of cute boys around. Leave gum on post. I think, “If I’m ever in Paris again, maybe it’ll still be there.”

November 28, 2020:  Translation workshop at 9 a.m. Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Beautiful Middle-Eastern guy smiles at me in front of remodeled Fog Lifter Cafe. Feel very comfortable on the south side of Ocean (not my usual route). Then see somebody on north side. Reluctantly cross street and almost miss cute cyclist on south side. Run into guy who had a “Vote” mural on his van. I tell him how successful he was. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. I talk about Anthony. Down Teresita to Safeway. Wave to Pete. Nice-looking Asian construction work greets me at Safeway. I wonder, “Do I know him?” Later comment as he’s choosing which beer to buy. Compliment woman cashier on her ruby red wedding ring. Guy talking on his cellphone on Frida Kahlo saying, “Mucho dinero. Millones.”

November 28 dream:  In funny hotel one woman goes to see Norma Keller. Me and the other woman go off to visit guy who can wrap things up for us.

November 28 dream:  For petty reasons, one guy trying to hold up roomful of people trying to meet.

November 28 dream:  Rush to water’s edge to interview somebody. Scott Shafer of KQED wants to interview me. I say, “No I can’t.” He says, “As soon as you can, I’ll hold a spot for you.” I give him a thumb’s up.

November 28 dream:  At kid’s park, Tom C. with lots of young kids. Get stuck and panicky on brick wall on way up. Then okay. Then Jerry Seinfeld gives stand-up routine. Carol C. there. Lauren S. as well. He doesn’t say much.

November 28 dream:  Go to nurse AOC for pains in my sides.

November 27, 2020:  View YT video about “Creating New Memories.” AT&T man stops by again. Wires are now connected properly. Other repairmen to return next week. (*Relates to memory of my father and my scheduled EMDR session on Thursday?) Bad-smelling man smell in kitchen. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. #43 home. No Prosperos Round Table today.

November 27 dream:  Going up escalator over tunnel which is being spread with gas and fire in a military drill, I think. We go up. See Broadway production going on to our right. One of the guys with us is very drunk. Someone asks me to help the woman he was with to take care of him. (h.o.)

November 27 dream:  Guy trying to get on S.F. bus but is not a resident of the whole city, just his district. I try too. Big demonstration. Woman trying to sell anti-city flags. AIDS Treatment News.

November 27 dream:  Lots of half-naked men and women in black run thru lobby of grant hotel. I win lots of gifts, prizes. Woman says one of the guys will cut a piece for SNL. Other woman says I have to go ’cause I have to move my car. I think, “I don’t have a car.”

November 27 dream:  In library, one guy chases after another. Guy with bag of somebody else’s stuff puts it right next to me. Several people come running to claim it. Then others join me in my arts & crafts project.

November 26, 2020:  Sarah calls in a.m. We have virtual Thanksgiving. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. I’m very happy. Think I’ve put together what my father did to me. Buy turkey TV dinner at Ezzy-Freezy. Walk up to Starbucks Portola. They just closed. Walk down to Starbucks W.P. Cute guy behind counter. K home. Driver asks me where I want to get off. I say, “Lee.” He passes Lee so I get off at next stop. Nuke my Thanksgiving dinner. It’s okay-ish.

November 26 dream:  Spend night in gay bath house. Some really cute guys come in. I wake up. Guy advises me to sleep on top of something to guard it. See photo of Alley Sheedy on back of law degree diploma. I pick it up and say, “I just wanted to read about what Alley Sheedy was up to.” I say to Janet C., “Did you just graduate?” She says, “Yeah.” Everyone in circle congratulates her. I’m guessing she still has to take the bar exam. (*Relates to me and the memory of my father and my upcoming EMDR?)

November 26 dream:  Guy I work with says we’ll be out of the building by January.

November 25, 2020:  AT&T guy stops by in a.m. Has to call 2nd guy to finish job. Take nap. 2nd guy comes. He can’t finish the job either. Wires not connected right. Sarah calls. Then Dr. Hirschfield calls and we set up appointment for me to try EMDR online next Thursday. Walk to 7-11 and back. Then W.F. Lots of shoppers. Listen to more of The Body Keeps the Score. Memory: Feeling of not being sure what I look like.

November 25 dream:  Being with some girls I liked and Tom O. Walking back, Tom wanted a souvenir of the underpants I was wearing then. I resisted.

November 25 dream:  Guy telling what happened in early June won’t get to the point.

November 25 dream:  Driving north with two women friends. We almost take wrong turn. Then stop at modern rest stop. They serve Indian food but you have to search for it. Lots of bread but only one piece of meat. It hadn’t been taken so I thought of taking it.

November 25 dream:  Arriving in strange village in the morning, but the sky seems to be darkening. I walk up steep ramp with no railing. Hear other voices so I assume it’s okay.

November 25 dream:  Thane refers to me as passive/aggressive, I think.

November 25 dream:  Something happens on Wednesday.

November 25 dream:  Someone gives me John Knowles invoice. I say, “It’s not mine.” They insist I keep it.

November 24, 2020:  Up early. Do online work. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Beautiful young man sitting in car with door open, smoking. On to library. Then G.P. See Sudoku on bench. Walk thru G.C.P. Talk with my Asian with afro greeter friend at M.S. Mau (meaning “cat” in Cantonese) at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Stiver on arriving home? Listen to more of The Body Keeps the Score. Insights: Wanting to become powerful can be a response to humiliation.

November 24 dream:  I keep on ironing something even though old lady wants me to stop and laughs at me.

November 24 dream:  It’s daylight with the same cast of characters. Bill Floyd there.

November 23, 2020:  Shits in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Post office line too long. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. See Anthony for first time since October 30, 2020. It was great to see him again. He had been away visiting his family in Ontario, CA. And I was wearing my TYT Pride T-shirt like I had hoped he’s see on October 31. Listen to more of The Body Keeps the Score. Author is talking about EMDR. Later watch Law & Order U.K. and they are talking about EMDR as well. So I make appointment with therapist to try EMDR for my memories with my father.

November 23 dream:  Our sherpa is taking us to places we don’t want to go: on a ship whose captain is not welcoming and to a wrestling match.

November 23 dream:  Put money and keys in picket with hole in it. Recover most of money, but go back outside to find keys. Guy says, “I know what you’re looking for” and gives me beautiful painted egg. Other guy talks about drugs.

November 22, 2020:  Had two waffles with sugar-free syrup in a.m. Side pain came back. RHSed my father all day. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola. Then on to Safeway. Alan there when I walk in. Then, when I was ready to check out, he had left. But I did get to speak with Isaac. Bought pumpkin pie. #43 home.

November 22 dream:  Another opportunity to vote for Bernie. I’d have to get an operation on my nose like Bob M. (h.o.)

November 22 dream:  Man’s daughter is flying off somewhere. The jet engines seem to be following the plane rather than attached to it.

November 22 dream:  On train. Then go to model city/robot making place. Find a desk and a seat. Ask my co-worker, “Do you know what we’ll be doing?” She says, “Oh, yes. And there will be plenty of work.”

November 21, 2020:  Tough night last night. Translation group in a.m. Do online work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library, RHSing along the way. Realize my dissociation when my father approached me sexually may relate not only to other sexual opportunities in my life but also has been a general pattern of behavior in any situation of danger or adventure in my life. I simply dissociate. Thane’s comment to Karen Dahlquist and me at the Inner Space Center, “That’s right, Karen, force him to make a decision.” Always wondered what that meant, but how can I make a decision when I’m dissociating? See $100 in play money on Diamond Street in G.P. just like the $100 I found on January 25, 2020. On to G.C.P. Then M.S. My hot grocery clerk with long black hair and tight black pants. Also Asian greeter outside with afro. Starbucks Portola. #43 home.

November 21 dream:  Joe Biden will be able to adopt me if he sees me three more times and brings me some sort of present at night. Later I’m moving in with several of my girl cousins. One says at group table, “I can be a dictator.” I say, “We can all be a dictator.”

November 21 dream:  Go to building for event. Meet girl manager of building. After, run into her on my way out. I ask her out ’cause she seemed to expect me to.

November 21 dream:  At resto, guy says to guy I like, “So, are you happy?” My guys ays, “I was happy.”

November 21 dream:  Stay late at work today (10 p.m.). Doing something I really enjoy. I am about to leave. Some attorneys about to leave also. Take long pee, impatiently. Can’t figure how to turn off radio.

November 21 dream:  I was running and jumping on the sidewalks of N.Y. really happy ’cause I’d made a personal breakthrough. Trying to return ancient Greek statue to 144 Argonaut Lane in lower Manhattan. They were like totem poles. Character at the bottom of one of the totems was a man in a modern suit.

November 20, 2020:  Insight: My desire for fame another way to get away from my father? In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Turn right on Miramar, following cute guy walking his dog. Walk up to Mt.D. Three guys on path having a picnic. I turn around to get a better look. One guy very excited to see me. I almost trip. (*Relates to distant hawk from hier?) On to CVS. Pat there. We talked a bit. Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. there. He and wife are moving to Portugal in a few months. Listen to more of The Body Keeps the Score. Insight: child sexual abuse can lead to unexplained pain.

November 20 dream:  Am taking photos. Then take break and forget my camera. Pass by slogan from USS Missouri. Remember that’s Thane’s ship. Rush back to get my camera.

November 20 dream:  Jerry Seinfeld and I may take $27 course on “getting back into comedy.” Others there eating burgers, one very raw.

November 20 dream:  At N.Y. movie theater. Big guy in front of me speaking his own dialogue over the movie. I ask him to stop. He doesn’t. I move down to near stage. Jon Stewart and other comedians there. Then I’m in a N.Y. office building. I’m trying to leave. Old man who is guest of honor is not feeling well.

November 20 dream:  Double green light.

November 20 dream:  Man being stripped and thrown into clear swimming pool.

November 19, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Buy Xmas cards at W.P. Cute young salesman turned out to be son of owner. Attends Georgetown pre-med. Thinks a lot of himself. Walk out. Decide to buy 2021 calendars as well with another sales person. Get “Perfect” afterwards. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there. Distant hawk at Mt.D. #43 home. Listen to more of The Body Keeps the Score audiobook. Insights: I disassociate when sexual opportunities arise just like I did when my father approached me. Also: My side pain began shortly after my father died in 1996 and is, in effect, my father reminding me that he’s still “on my back.”

November 19 dream:  Me and my supervisor taking out the horrible possibility of losing AOC to another part of the country.

November 19 dream:  See Chris H., Livia, and others I haven’t seen in a while, at gathering.

November 19 dream:  Women’s Equality Day.

November 19 dream:  Poster of Marilyn Monroe. We’re trying to decide where to put it.

November 18, 2020:  In ’til 12:30ish. Go to Castro for dental appointment. After walk thru Castro. Things look bad and boarded up. Pass by J’s bar and kind of wave inside. Walk down street. Talk to resto owner about his attractive parklet. (*Relates to two falls from hier?) Walk up Market. M.S. Then Starbucks Portola. Cyclist at cross walk. Then #43 home. Anonymous call. Listen to video and online audio book about physical pain from trauma.

November 18 dream:  The voice speaking to us wants us to become owners and managers instead of just followers. Now that anything seems possible I am trying to get the clock on the wall to move its hands. But it was very small and I wanted people to notice it. (h.o.)

November 18 dream:  Going out to fancy resto with Marilyn D. and other classmates. We try to pay bill. Manager says it’s too late to pay him. We have to pay elsewhere. Marilyn sweet talks him. She also has a lot of money. I chip in a dollar for some extra expense. Get look from male friend that it’s too little.

November 18 dream:  Going back into work. Look at beautiful mountains with waves on top of them. Woman and man touch hands. I think of wonderful conversation I had with someone. Think my relationship with J is over. Then remember I just made connection with him hier. Almost slip into water under sculpture. Grab onto sculpture’s butt.

November 18 dream:  See “the cause of your pain” in dictionary.

November 18 dream:  Magazine on old guys. Agile baby chick with big pussy.

November 17, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Kind of rainy day. I wait for guy walking out of W.F. Later he slow walks and grabs his ass. Walk to Excelsior library. Slip on wet sidewalk. Almost fall but don’t. On to G.P. Lee not there. Walk thru G.C.P. Slip again. Almost slip and fall but manage to walk away without getting my pants dirty. On to Starbucks Portola with muddy hands. #43 home.

November 17 dream:  Woman allows me to sit in on piano audition. She lays on the floor. I sit on it.

November 17 dream:  Sitting with the big “quiet.” Many guys in the back room. The others were in the front room. Looking out at bottom of huge tree with many little trees growing under it. The tree, though, is only 37 years old.

November 16, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. talking with Sarah on the phone while I’m walking. Starbucks Portola. #43 home. A lot of Translating due to pain in my sides. Mutation: video in p.m. about trauma. (*Relates to first dream of November 15?)

November 16 dream:  Volunteering at a fair hoping someone promotes their product. Maybe poison in some of the cotton buds.

November 16 dream:  Headed towards the laundromat which is open from 6-8 p.m. Dirty hippy tries to block car in street for a while.

November 15, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Looking for Xmas cards. Bookstore closed. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Get in wrong line, trying to avoid obnoxious hetero couple, but miss Alan as a result. RHS God re: my side pain.

November 15 dream:  Woman realizes boyfriend is setting up holiday in paradise for her on September 15 ’cause that’s the day he’ll be in court for something he wants to hide. She and her new boyfriend decide to go on their own. Company now running started in 2016 by criticizing conservative political party it once supported.

November 15 dream:  Starting work at new company. Some people I’ve worked with before. Strange but safe place. Not much work to do yet. I did do two letters.

November 14, 2020:  Zoom Translation group at 9 a.m. Bulent, Sarah, Ugur, etc. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior. Then G.P. Lee outside liquor store talking to older man. Walk thru G.C.P. Then follow guy to run into Pat just getting off work at CVS. Then Kaleb at Starbucks. Really nice MUNI driver on #43 home.

November 14 dream:  Organizing a big fundraiser. Sarah is underwriter, though not financially.

November 14 dream:  Still organizing this event.

November 14 dream:  Trying to get myself and some Xmas decorations out of a spider-web covered basement window. Al H. there, too.

November 13, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk outside. It’s rainy/misty. I walk down Ocean to buy paper at Walgreens and matcha latte at Target. Then walk back to W.F. Woman greeter says the front door is now open and more or less insists I use it. Run into beautiful black guy with “Dartmouth” T-shirt. Got in line behind him. He pretended to be straight. AT&T calls. I think it’s a crank call. (*Relates to last dream of November 10?) Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. My dream about Tom C. was really about Al H? (*Relates to 2nd dream of November 11?)

November 13 dream:  All but proven that guy (Tom O.?) lied. Everyone is going on to next thing.

November 13 dream:  Have discussion about resuming relations with Britain. “I mean, France is updated, but England . . .”

November 12, 2020:  In ’til 2:30. Appointment with eye doctor in W.P. No change in prescription from last year. Two or three anonymous calls. Cute Asian guy in shorts on W.P. Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Shits on getting home about 5ish.

November 12 dream:  Inviting new guests for dinner. Have to stretch the meatloaf. The living room table is set for one.

November 12 dream:  Decide to leave East Bay party in old warehouse. Don’t have a ride but run into Danette Valdez from DOJ and she offers me a ride to Katy Katy’s. I say, “Sure.” There are bathroom signs saying “dentists” and “meditators.” She says she is a meditator. I say, “I’m afraid I am too.”

November 12 dream:  In auditorium full of people at card tables. Guy walking around looking for serial killer. Gets to me. Things look good. Then he reverses himself and looks at some sort of chemicals and says I could never be one. Feel relief.

November 12 dream:  I’m taking shower while my cute new friend reads my talk aloud. Then he gets in and takes a shower.

November 11, 2020:  Anonymous call at 2 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Second anonymous call about 3:30 Walk down Ocean to Portola to W.P. Up Ulloa. Talk to woman with broken ceramic bowls in her front garden. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola #43 home. Talk with young man who was a fencer, in the back of the bus. (*Relates to hawks from hier, I think.) Berniecrats at 6:30 p.m.

November 11 dream:  Living in house with Nancy, Laurie and Tom O., trying to account for all the empty bottles.

November 11 dream:  Tom C and two others pretend we’re singing like we used to in Prosperos performance. Tom is leaning up against me and laughing and looking all thin and beautiful. One minute I want to kill him ’cause he’s so beautiful. Next I want to take care of him and prevent anyone from harming him.

November 11 dream:  My right toenail falling off.

November 11 dream:  Meet young blond guy who likes me and vice versa.

November 11 dream:  Planning on going to class later with Baba M., but he disappears. On Navy base. See white poles amid the building for quick evacuations.

November 10, 2020:  Put my post “Are conservatives just unevolved liberals?” on BB update. Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Cute guy walks by smiling. Walk to G.P. Skateboarder at Monterey & Circular. (*Relates to hawk and two crows from hier, I think.) G.P. Then G.C.P. Hawk at apex, pretty close. Then 2nd hawk. Later on Amber Street a 3rd hawk. Starbucks Portola. #43 home.

November 10 dream:  Me trying to add up some numbers in the dark. Woman looking over my shoulders.

November 10 dream:  I tell fellow female co-worker, “My mother, I mean, my step-mother, is going to work where I(?) used to work.”

November 10 dream:  Thriller War: old movie comes to life. Even empty cereal box joined in as a weapon.

November 10 dream:  First day on the job as legal secretary in N.Y. Later I’m going out to lunch.

November 10 dream: Crowd laughs at me. I run into Tom O. We go to store he likes. It’s raining hard.

November 9, 2020:  Tough night last night. Up early. Sarah calls in a.m. Submit BB post on “Are conservatives just unevolved liberals?” to SF Berniecrats. Nap. VA alls at 4 p.m. Will schedule “minor” operation (on my scrotum). Walk down Ocean. Some nasty skateboarders just outside main entrance to apartment building. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to Starbucks. #43 home. Nasty black woman sitting across from me. She got all happy when I got up and left my seat. (*Relates to reaction from SF Berniecrats?) Burrito at W.F. Cute worker there showed me where to get one even thought I already knew.

November 9 dream:  Taking multiple choice test. Really anxious for it to finish. Throw something at friend to get his attention. I don’t.

November 9 dream:  Making an inventory of things for the move.

November 9 dream:  Trying to get past playful female lion. I did it easily when I didn’t know she was there.

November 8, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Searching high and low for a Sunday Chronicle. Walk up Ulloa. Hawk followed by two crows. The crows flew off just as the hawk flew over me. CVS. Starbucks Portola. Down Teresita to Safeway. Get $3 change to buy paper from rack. #43 home. Rush out to look for Chron in racks. No luck on Ocean. Walk up Miramar. Cute guy at corner smiles at me with his eyes. I smiles back with mine. (*Relates to hawk from Diamond Heights Blvd. hier, I believe.) Stop by two more places on Monterey looking for paper. No luck. Walk home. Did a lot of Translating. Conclusion: “I am the one infinite all-inclusive Self found.”

November 8 dream:  Coming home from work at night, my next door neighbor Zoë R. says young man next do her needs a place to stay for a while.

November 8 dream:  In N.Y. at my new live-in job working for music industry mafia-type guy. It’s my first day and i’m really tired.

November 8 dream:  My car slides off the bed into the closet. There are two gifts for my two other brothers from my father just like he gave me.

November 8 dream:  Sister Laurie and I go off to her cafe. I decide I’m going to go to my brother Tom’s Advance Seminar class. Feel very happy about that. Take very large piece of cake downstairs and plop it in front of my friend David. My father there, too. I’m looking for coffee.

November 7, 2020:  9 a.m. Translation workshop. Bulent’s young son Alp and I give each other thumbs up. Do online work. Get excited about Biden win. Then moment of intense, unexpected, anger in kitchen. Take nap. Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then to G.P. Liquor store out of papers. Buy Chron from rack across the street. Drop dime. Old Asian lady picks it up for me. On to G.C.P. See “Nothing but Love” on Arbor Street. See hawk on Diamond Heights Boulevard. Family to young girl: “We’re going this way.” Me: “Looks like she’s going that way.” Hawk at apex of G.C.P. Friendly poodle runs towards me. Girl on crutches on rugged trail. I say, “Must be hard to walk this trail on crutches.” She says, “Yes, but it’s worth it.” Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. Go to burrito place. I think burrito lady likes me. Makes me uncomfortable. Near accident as car speeds through red light at Laguna Honda Boulevard. Murder of crows nearby. #43 home. Listen to Harris/Biden speeches.

November 7 dream:  In New York, staying at apartment, hanging out with Chris H-type friend who may be dying. He brings with him the book(s) he’s written. Says he wants to help em publish my book. I don’t know what to do with my life. Maybe I’ll just take the tour bus every a.m. ’til I figure it out.

November 7 dream:  Washing my clothes and putting them in drying in same machine. Others at laundromat trying to squelch those who are rumor-mongering about something.

November 6, 2020:  Up early to see election results. YAY! Post “Are conservatives just unevolved liberals?” Take shower. Fantasize about John calling me. Then he calls me. Shits about 3ish. Sarah likes my BB post via BB comment. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola. Up to burrito place. Kaleb and big crowd at Starbucks Portola. Xmas décor already up. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. and 12 others there. Anonymous call at 8:30 p.m.

November 6 dream:  Woman at work or school sets up department of feelings where we can write more effectively about them. I ask her if I can talk to her. She says, “No, not now.”

November 5, 2020:  Up early to see election results. YAY! Post “Are conservatives just unevolved liberals?” Take shower. Fantasize about John calling me. Then he calls me. In ’til 3ish. Finish video “Are conservatives just unevolved liberals?” Walk to Excelsior library. See Alvin from S.F. Berniecrats on Ocean Avenue just outside Avalos H.Q. Then as I’m passing H.Q. have nice connection with young man inside (*Relates to hawk on Casitas from hier, I think.) Continue to library. Then cute guy at G.P. liquor store. Then home owner on Amber Drive who is heading my direction and suddenly turns around, leaving his door open as I pass by. I take it as an invitation. But also an insult. (*Relates to my father doing a similar thing with me?) Murder of crows over Tower Market shopping center. M.S. Starbucks Portola. Ate chocolate brownie ’cause things were going so well. Felt pain afterwards. #43 home.

November 5 dream:  Film industry opening up again after big climax earlier. Lots of green grass.

November 5 dream:  Going to class wishing I had finished my assignment. Noting different bodies of water have different surface patterns.

November 4, 2020:  Get up early at 7ish. Work online. Take a nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Miramar to Mt.D. Sole hawk on Casitas. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. Record BB video #5: “Are Conservatives Just Unevolved Liberals?”

November 4 dream:  Massaging my leg on Treasure Island on way to get paid. (h.o.)

November 4 dream:  Me and Tom going up to the 9th floor. I have on his gray suit with a red tie. Also something prickly and sickly in my mouth I try to take out. Also I’m bleeding slightly.

November 3, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Cute skateboarder with his girlfriend at San Jose and Ocean. Walk to G.P. No Lee. Walk thru G.C.P. Cute, well-built jogger lets me pass and says, “Thank you.” Car with No. 33 on it. M.S. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Prosperos election night Zoom. Shahid Zoom.

November 3 dream:  Trump supporter pours black oil into drain. It begins to come out the other side.

November 3 dream:  I/we are moving out of big storage area. We surprise Mom. I break big earthen planter but didn’t like it much any way.

November 2, 2020:  Up “early” at 8 a.m. Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola up to CVS. See short, dark and handsome skateboarder on the way. Of the 5 or 6 skateboarders, he was the one I connected with. Pat not at CVS. Anthony not at Starbucks. #43 home.

November 2 dream:  Small memorial service for 33 young men who died in the war. I and others were sobbing. Later I invited myself along to an outing. One of the guys was a brother to Cliff Hurley who I knew at Oregon State.

November 2 dream:  Voice calling out to “Madame” as I’m in the backyard of some house with partially dead lawn.

November 1, 2020:  Bills. Monthly BB. McD’s. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. #43 to Safeway. Israel not there. Alan is. #43 home. From Are You Being Served?: Sometimes people have out-of-body experiences when they are sleeping. Also: Young Mr. Grace’s T-bag broke.

November 1 dream:  Some prize people came by the house. My parents were desperately trying to keep them out. Then when they got in, it was like everyone was glad to see them. I told Harriet, “I don’t know what this is all about so I’m going to take a walk.” She smiles.

November 1 dream:  Dating Bus comes for next leg of the trip. I’m rushing to get soap out of tube soap.

November 1 dream:  Guy (Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory) being escorted away by four undercover cops on Market Street, S.F. Then he runs. Someone grabs his wig. Then just two cops remain. He makes another escape attempt. I join the undercover cops.

October 31, 2020:  Translation workshop in a.m. Sense testimony: “Tribalism creates a threatening environment.” Calvin responds to my email about the black actors in “Gone With The Wind.” (*Relates to 2nd dream of October 3, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Got my “Pride” TYT T-shirt in mail. Walk to copy shop. It’s closed. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Beautiful male cyclist on Circular Avenue. No Lee at G.P. liquor store. Then G.C.P. Change shirt midway, hoping to see Anthony again at Starbucks Portola while wearing my Pride T-shirt. Anthony not there. Kaleb smiles at me. #43 home. Stop by Beep’s. Adoré not there.

October 31 dream:  My operation is postponed. I see fires breaking out in my kitchen.

October 30, 2020:  Up early. Do work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. See “Lucky.” See Anthony at Starbucks Portola. He’s really happy to see me. He says: “I like your T-shirt.” I have to look to see what T-shirt I am wearing. It’s my Frisco T-shirt. I say: “No Kaleb today?” He says: “He’s on a break.” (*Relates to hawk & crow from October 28?) #43 home. Another guy likes my T-shirt. Go home. Then to Pakwan to meet up with cute guy who is not there when I get there, thought he does show up shortly. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30. Tom C. there. Also Al H. (*Relates to coyote from hier?) Wonderful meeting.

October 30 dream:  I need to save something from cat box with cat in it. Suzanne D. said I did it before. She feeds it a small bird. Then I stick my hand in. It gets bloody but I retrieve something. Black friend stops by. We have to walk thru 4” deep water. He doesn’t want to ruin his shoes but goes ahead anyhow.

October 30 dream:  About to leave thru door. Big bully stops us. Later we are on the other side but he may be the same guy.

October 30 dream:  Rent small car. Someone tries to replace the battery on the phone. Then several people try to sell me on their miniature sauna. It smells like a sauna but it’s only about an inch wide.

October 29, 2020:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee at liquor store. Go to G.C.P. I am RHSing my relationship with John. Realize my relationship with John mirrors my relationship with my father: that I was totally dedicated to my father regardless of how he may or may not have reciprocated. See coyote in G.C.P. Then Kaleb at Starbucks with 5 or 6 of his friends. #43 home. (*Shits from October 27 relate to John reading this online diary today?)

October 29 dream:  In England, paying my taxes in advance. Still in trouble though, I think.

October 29 dream:  Dream about my book.

October 28, 2020:  Anonymous call. (*Relates to shits from hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Skateboarder on Ocean: “We’ve got to make sure it’s true.” G.P. No Lee. Walk to G.C.P. Hawk and crow at Arbor Street. Woman on phone saying: “Right.” See same man on Amethyst Way that I saw hier at the same time and place. Today I talk with him. He seems very nice. Walk to Market via Duncan. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Three “wild” women in back seat mention “Evan.”

October 28 dream:  Worried we have lots of bread crumbs and blood under the table. The authorities are on their way over to inspect. I blow away a dust ball. Struggle to get up.

October 28 dream:  Yelling to “New York” about something. Someone says It may not do any good but it makes you feel better. Guy gives us car(?) and trunk with big punch bowl and two unopened bottles of something and two large glasses.

October 28 dream:  I’m stapling together two thick bunches of documents for The Prosperos. Go to ask Clair Gold what to do with small note pad. She says, “Give it to the boss’s boss.” And that The Prosperos is in the pink. Me and another guy notices office smells smoky. We are in a high-rise building.

October 28 dream:  Document about woman who faxes to . . . .

October 28 dream:  Losing my big toe nail.

October 27, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Cute guy returning a book. Go to G.P. Walked by black guy. See “triple take” in store window. So I do a triple take of him. Lee not at liquor store. See Sudoku guy on local G.P. bench. Walk thru G.C.P. feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Walk into the woods and take a shit. Use Chron sports page to wipe my ass. Starbucks Portola. Just miss #43. Then another one comes along in about a minute. Spill matcha latte on entering. Woman passenger says, “Don’t worry.” See Evan on Portola Drive as we pass by him.

October 27 dream:  I mislay my mask along with what I was eating. Not many are wearing masks. I wonder if this is how it ends, with people just not wearing masks any more. I find what I had been eating but not my mask. Cute, friendly guy confirms what I had been eating.

October 27 dream:  Trump is running for reelection as Mayor of S.F. and he’s doing better than we thought he would.

October 26, 2020:  Wake up early. Take nap at 1ish. Get call from “Private Number.” (*Relates to 3 hawks over Mt.D. hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Hear cat having sex in alleyway. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Then down Teresita to Safeway. Strange Spanish-speaking homeless guy as I was leaving. #43 home. Feel bad about Amy Coney Barrett. Then realize I was really feeling bad about the “Private Number” call. Got me so excited that I had a hard time getting to sleep.

October 26 dream:  Was going to move in with guy. Then he decides to maybe move back in with his older male lover. Me checking out woman across the street who was nearly naked.

October 25, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue to W.P. Sunday papers sold out at 3 places ’til I reach my final store. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. See Evan (or at least the back of Evan) as I leave M.S. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. 3 hawks soaring over Mt.D. #43 home.

October 25 dream:  Lots of confusion at work as to who should be doing what. Boss says to me, “Well, do something.” I’m trying to figure out what needs to be done.

October 25 dream:  Everything had been moved away but my slat of “land.”

October 25 dream:  Visiting San Anselmo. Trying to back Leigh’s car out of parking structure. Brakes don’t work.

October 24, 2020:  Translation workshop in a.m. William Fennie presented. It was wonderful workshop. In ’til 3ish. Two shits before leaving. Walk to Excelsior library. Really nice librarian guy with dancing eyes, which caught me off guard. Then slight Asian guy tucking in his pants on Mission. Walk to G.P. Lee at liquor store. We speak of SF Chronicle music critic Joshua Kosman, who he reads. I tell him I read the column he wrote about the possibility of doing an opera based on the life of Donald Trump like the opera they did on Nixon. Lee enjoyed that. Walk to G.C.P. Crazy squirrel on Turquoise Way. Then Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Child with family calls out as I reach home, “Hey, can you play with us?” Shits again on getting home. Write “The word ‘dean'” BB blog in p.m.

October 24 dream:  Meet girl at mall. She wants to date me (in addition to her current boyfriend). At first I don’t think so. Then when I see her (she was on my back before), I get kind of turned on. Guy there I know.

October 24 dream:  Writing something for Kamala’s VP candidate?

October 24 dream:  Tom C., me, Karen Porter and other woman all do psychodrama. It cost $400 each. Tom said he paid his own money. I said I did also. We all ride home together.

October 24 dream:  John comes over mad about me asking him to wear flip-flops. He’s barefoot. I say, “I don’t care what you wear.” He sits cross-legged on chair. He has on short-shorts and not much else. I say, “You look like you’re ready to have sex.”

October 23, 2020:  Up “early” at 9 a.m. Finish online work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior. Hot skateboarder at Alemany & Ocean. See “Stay Home.” Continue to G.P. Lee not at liquor store. On to G.C.P. Guy with hat and mask on looks at me. (*Relates to hawk and crows from hier?) Then M.S. Then Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. Cute Asian guy crossing Portola Drive. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. not there.

October 23 dream:  Working indoors in fancy house with female lion and cat who got up and left the room in a toy car when I and somebody else stated walking around. Other wild cats, but not dangerous, left to come with us. I had run out of work to do. Was given small assignment and jumped on it. Jim Renza there.

October 23 dream:  Someone asks me about the 7 p.m. meditation I started.

October 23 dream:  Belong to group which was trying to help people with AIDS. One guy said he had AIDS. So I said that some people take AZT. So we passed out AZT to everyone there. I said there may be some side effects. We went around the room. I said, “My name is Michael Zonta. I’m a former member of Occupy San Francisco and a current member of Occupy San Francisco.” Other people in the group raised their hands as well. I said that I edited two, no, three websites though I was having trouble remembering them.

October 23 dream:  Talking with bare-breasted woman saxophone player who really got into her music. I said, “I could watch you all day.” She had short gray hair. Could have been transexual. Delivery truck came as we were talking. And then she had a sweater on.

October 22, 2020:  Get up “early” at 8:30 a.m. Anonymous call about noon. Do online work. Buy TYT Pride T-shirt. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. See “Winner.” Don’t go to liquor store at G.P. ’cause I was following other cute guy at Diamond & Bosworth. Then walk thru G.C.P. thinking about Rosa Parks dream of 1995 indicating an end to my “games” with John. As I’m think of this, passing hiker says: “A little bit of a mistake on our part.” (*Relates to “Message from God” on October 21?) Realized maybe I was wrong about things coming to an end with John. Maybe they never will. I don’t know that i’d even want J. at this point. Diary of August 3 was misleading. John did not come over and we did not have sex. I was just playing with him as he is one of the few people who reads this diary.) See hawk with two crows. Cute guy on #43. I could only see his eyes but they were very inviting.

October 22 dream:  Bunch of young guys and me at U.N. Plaza. Then I go with one to McD’s. Then another comes in. Very cute. My friend dry-humps him.

October 21, 2020:  Get up “early” at 9 a.m. Do online work. Take nap from 1:45 to 2:45. In ’til 3ish. Shits just before I leave. Walk down Ocean. Up W.P. to Ulloa. Translating the word “vanity.” Beautiful young black man sitting on curb on Sydney Way. We greet each other. Get “Message from God” brochure at M.S. Kaleb and Anthony at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Word tracking “vanity” leads to the word “vacant.”

October 21 dream:  Bernie gets COVID along with some others. Some die. All that was left of them was their heads. Bernie still had a body and one leg. He falls to the ground on his foot. I kiss him on the mouth. He’s kind of like: OK, now what do we do? Liz Andrews there at last moment saying she’ll be at S.F. Airport.

October 21 dream:  Staying in one room apartment in Tapas Alley in NYC. Running out of my father’s money.

October 21 dream:  Standing on the back of a truck watching some sort of video which seemed to respond to my hand gestures and voice. Almost fall off at the end. My father there?

October 20, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Ocean to Portola. Think of moving into 2175 Market when I win the lottery. Guy on bicycle smiles at me. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. Down Teresita to Safeway. Worried Israel would be there but he wasn’t. Gave Isaac one of Jun’s cards. He said he couldn’t talk ’cause he had just had his wisdom teeth out. Got blank phone message at 4:38 p.m. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Have shits again when I got home around 5ish.

October 20 dream:  “Nice” woman returns to office and seems to threaten me.

October 19, 2020:  Bruce calls twice. Also Sarah calls. Hang-up call at about 3:05 p.m. (*Relates to hawk and crow on Ulloa from hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Starbucks. Feel “shitty.” Walk home . . . fast. Almost don’t make it. Then go to McD’s. Then mail Publisher’s Clearing House return. All set to win!

October 19 dream:  My boss advises me to send someone one of my dreams. And put cottage cheese and blue cheese dressing on it.

October 19 dream:  Kids put on production of “If you go into the woods today.” I really loved that song as a kid. I tried to write a comment afterwards. Aggressive real estate lady swept me off my feet. We danced. I said: “Real estate is a lot like show business.” She agreed.

October 19 dream:  Go to downtown store selling spheres of treated water. I drink some. Later at party I start to get loose.

October 19 dream:  Out on pier or boat with friends. I say: “What’s up?” Friend doesn’t answer. I get panicky, like I don’t know what to do. Decide to go home. Big floating Rolls Royce car almost tips over. Water becomes rough. I am stranded.

October 18, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Guy at corner of Ulloa and West Portal. Up Ulloa. Hawk and crow over Ulloa. Then Izzy at Starbucks Portola. Cyclist after. Bruce K. calls. #43 home.

October 18 dream:  At home alone in Saratoga house. Police believe I’m a murder suspect so are probably on their way. Leigh Barbier involved somehow.

October 18 dream:  People debating politely with each other.

October 18 dream:  Someone steels $5 from us ’cause we didn’t shut down properly last night. I say to guy: “Oh, well, we’ll be in Miami tomorrow.”

October 17, 2020:  Get up at 7 a.m. Translation workshop at 9 a.m. Later took nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Follow cute Filipino guy to his car parked on Cotter. Then on to G.P. Lee at liquor store. He told me he followed S.F. Chronicle music critic Joshua Kosman. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear loud birds. Bruce K. calls. Then M.S. Meet Evan, the greeter, on my way out. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. About to go camping in Russian River for two days. #43 home. Listen to Jordan Peterson’s Biblical Series No. 15 on “Joseph and his Coat of Many Colors.” Peterson says something like we should not be the kind of person who would NEVER do such a thing. We should strive to become the kind of person who would do such a thing but chooses not to.

October 17 dream:  I need to take a bus and then be airlifted in for an interview.

October 17 dream:  All 17 of us checked out of our bodies and into one body and attended a post-war business meeting.

October 17 dream:  Couple move into rambling house in Nails.

October 16, 2020:  Bruce K. calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee not at liquor store. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. Bruce calls again with update. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. there. Toward end Joe C. mentions Barry Goldwater’s campaign video from ’64. I ask him about it. Hanz says it’ll be in the BB tomorrow. I laugh and look at Tom C’s reaction, look for Tom C’s approval. (*Relates to Tom C. dream of October 13?)

October 16 dream:  Reading something aloud at work which didn’t make any sense but I’m the best reader they have.

October 15, 2020:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee not there. Walk thru G.C.P. Translating a lot. Pretty much alone in G.C.P. Then Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Sat with 5 or 6 skateboarders in the back of the bus. One who I didn’t see ’til the last second told me “Have a good one” as he exited. Insight: Getting mad at Church Street guy from Tuesday. Originally I thought it was me getting mad at him for taking sex so casually and being willing to do it at the drop of a hat, so to speak. Realized I was really mad at him exposing me for that exact same thing: taking sex so casually and being willing to do it at the drop of a hat. (*Relates to first dream of October 12 and to “Game Changer” from October 13?)

October 15 dream:  Refer to myself as “the church” in letter. As in “The church does not wish to see you at this time.” Doing dishes: my dishes and Bill Fennie’s dishes. Some still greasy. Need more room for dried dishes.

October 15 dream:  Trump giving small talk at church event. I’m sitting in back next to Melissa. It’s hot.

October 15 dream:  Someone says I’m not up to the job of sleeping thru the night. “Sex man” poster on the wall.

October 14, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to 7-11. Then to W.P. Then up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb and Anthony at Starbucks. I ask Kaleb: “Why didn’t you turn your hair green [like Anthony]?” Kaleb laughed. Anthony didn’t. Down Teresita to Jun’s salon. See Pete on the way. Read magazines while waiting for haircut. See “Picture Perfect” and “Comfort.” Have fun time with Jun. He wants me to spread the word about his salon. I agree to take four of his cards and give them to people. I say I probably won’t be able to convince too many people. He says: “Nothing is impossible!” Then go to Safeway. Israel there. I give him one of Jun’s cards. Also my phone number. (*Relates to flying dream of October 12, I think.)

October 14 dream:  Guy on other side provides us information.

October 14 dream:  People (including me) spend the day working on projects for The Prosperos.

October 14, 2020:  Trying to get business card with our address on it so we can pass it out to people.

October 13, 2020:  In ’til 1ish. Go to Civic Center to cast my vote. Walk back up Market on the way to visit Israel at Safeway. Feel sudden catch in my throat. Admire young man’s butt at Castro & Church. Later I realize catch in my throat was for him, as he was hanging around waiting for me to make my next move. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Continue up Market to Teresita. See: “Eventually,” “Game Changer” and “Perfect.” Down Teresita to Jun’s on Monterey. He’s busy so I tell him I’ll stop by tomorrow. Go to Safeway. Israel not there. So I leave. Walk to Starbucks Ocean Avenue. Get matcha latte and walk to W.F. Stop and gawk at very hot customer with tattooed cashier. Talk with Sara briefly. Then talk with tattooed cashier. Very nice guy.

October 13 dream:  Sitting across from Tom C. at long table. He says: “I knew it was the right place for me.” I said: “How did you know it was the right place?” Tom said: “I said FOR ME.” I said: “How did you know it was the right place for you?” He pounded a nail into his forearm and pushed it out with great force. Turning red. Then amber. He was playing, but forcefully.

October 13 dream:  Visit Harriet & Obe in Palm Springs. They live across the street from a girlie joint. Harriet says: “They do the whirly-twirly thing.” I laugh.

October 12, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Then up Ulloa. Find map of London in free book kiosk. This is something I had been looking for, which told me that the Universe knows what we want and will provide in its own time. Anthony at Starbucks Portola. Cute skateboarder smiling seductively as I wait for #43 home. Shits on getting home.

October 12 dream:  Suspect providing description of “victim.” (h.o.)

October 12 dream:  Three of us, including big tall guy, in small cockpit of small plane flying high in the sky. Later, big guy (with big dog) finally gets laid.

October 11, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Shits on leaving. Walk to W.P. Feel “shitty” so take K back. Matcha latte at Starbucks Ocean Avenue. Shits on arriving home about 4:30 p.m.

October 11 dream:  Go out to dinner with man and woman I’d never met before in nice area of East Bay. They had never met either. At end, they were talking to each other and woman was saying: “I can’t deal with all these lies.” I say: “I’ve got to go.” I leave without paying. Trying to walk fast but can’t.

October 10, 2020:  Translation workshop in a.m. Suzanne is a nut job. Do website work. Take nap. Shits at 2ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee at liquor store. Walk from G.C.P. to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Israel there looking and being beautiful. He gives me special $5 University discount. (*Realized later that Israel relates to the hawk from hier. And the crows related to the bag boy, who was inexplicably cold and rude to me as I was trying to talk with Israel.) #43 home.

October 10 nap dream:  Nap dream: Big crowd in our front yard. I say: “I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many people in our front yard–except maybe yesterday.” I walk thru indoor area with lots of unique S.F. features. Think I would miss this if I moved away. Expect to run in to J. or someone today.

October 10 dream:  Mother takes son to fancy store and teachers him how to shop.

October 10 dream:  I looked good but had a penis-shaped growth on my face.

October 10 dream:  At table with black guy and woman.

October 9, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Get side-tracked by cute guy. Follow him. Then go to Urbano. Hawk circling. Then two crows flying after him. Hawk lands in tree. Crows fly away. I hear but cannot see hawk. Walk thru W.P. Cute guy in hoodie at Ulloa and W.P. Go to Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. there. Laid back meeting.

October 9 dream:  Peeing at urinal with J. He pees on me. Later I pee back and say, “I love you.” Then try to take it back. He says: “You shouldn’t be drinking at your age.” (h.o.)

October 9 dream:  [Forgotten dream]

October 8, 2020:  Mary L. calls me back in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Walk behind same guy from August 20 to Hong Kong resto. Then cruise two guys in line for 24 Hour Fitness. Then cute guy on Aptos loading his truck. I say: “Can I help you?” He says: “I think I’ve go it.” On to W.P. Then up Ulloa. Talk to skateboarder who tells me of skatepark where Castro meets SOMA. Realize later he may have been coming on to me. On to CVS Portola. Afraid to see Pat. So I go anyway. He greets me at the door. We talk for about 20 minutes. Turns out he went to CCSF broadcasting school as well. He shared his LinkedIn address with me. Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Skateboarder still skating. Head to W.F. Very hot guy with revealing shorts on. I wolf-whistle. Then follow him. Group of 4 or 5 cops at Unity Plaza. I continue following him up steps to CCSF. He really seemed to disappear. Brad Chapin liked my Facebook comment about Harry Britt: “I’ve never seen him look happier.” Also Terry Beswick.

October 8 dream:  I drive in front of car so it doesn’t drive off bridge. Later someone saves me.

October 8 dream:  Thane comes to town. I get excited the way father is interacting with his young kids. Thane smiles. Later when he’s speaking he is someone younger. Then he leaves. Rick Thomas trying to make ice cream cat but knocks it down. Cathy Koslover there.

October 8 dream:  After night of drinking, older gay guy and and woman spend night together. Older white man says to other man about me: “No matter what happens, he is the boss. He is the boss.”

October 7, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Stomach butterflies just before guy walking into Wells Fargo at Ocean and Mission. Go to G.P. Cruise guy on Circular Avenue who doesn’t like it. Then cruise guy in G.P. liquor store who doesn’t like it. On to G.C.P. Older woman passes by me walking on Poppy Lane. Young boy at G.C.P. points out gecko to his family. He says it’s venomous. I say: “I never knew that.” Guy at apex of G.C.P. saying: “Maybe I’m wrong.” Coyote image on exiting G.C.P. (*Relates to my posting the Sunday Night Translation Group even without the sense testimony or conclusions?) M.S. Asked greeter there if he found the owner of the wallet hier. He did. Kaleb and Anthony at Starbucks Portola. Guy on Frida Kahlo I walked back to encounter. Berniecrats in p.m. Meet Brad Chapin online. He’s very cute. Reaching into my fridge later, bang my thumb against shelf. It’s like something pushed me. I think somebody was upset that I was getting so excited about meeting Brad Chapin.

October 6, 2020:  Get call from guy with heavy Indian accent who says he’s calling from Foster City, CA. He asks if I have a girlfriend. I tell him I have a boyfriend. Then it get sexual. Him: “Would you like me to fuck you in the ass?” I say: “That sounds fun.” (*Relates to shits from hier about 4 p.m, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee’s mother there. Then G.C.P. Guy with red handkerchief on. I say: “Looks like you’re getting ready to rob the stagecoach.” He laughs. Go to M.S. Try to get attention of male bagger without success. Other guy runs after me thinking I had left my wallet. Turns out it was not mine. Monica and Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. Young skateboarder on #43 home. Dr. Lee from VA Urology in p.m.

October 6 dream:  At Menlo Park house. Guy planning a surprise for me. I go into my parent’s room. It’s all set up to show a flash photo of a mock ticket office. But the flash didn’t go off. I was heading to our (Tom and my) back bedroom. Before: tracking series of videos.

October 6 dream:  Father going down on his young son.

October 6 dream:  Stand in line to get paid by the city. Wrong line. Before: Beginning to look like John H. in the mirror. Later I see Nina Turner.

October 6 dream:  Guy without legs to stand on tries to convince me of something.

October 5, 2020:  Sarah calls in a.m. VA calls at 1 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk Ocean to 7-11. Deep smiles at me. Walk up alleyway to Portola. Feel sudden “shitty” feeling Don’t know what to do. Then connect with gardener. Walk on to Portola. “Shitty” feeling worsens. Decide to take K home. Take K to Ocean and Judah. Get matcha latte at Starbucks Ocean Avenue. Walk home hurriedly. Barely make it to toilet.

October 5 dream:  House for sale for $550,000. I try to buy it. Female lion sits down nearby. I’m told it’s okay.

October 5 dream:  I was supposed to be at something that started four hours ago. Trying to take bath. Nancy and Laurie already running water. Harriet remarking on something as well.

October 4, 2020:  Post “BB Episode #4: I hope he dies from COVID” on YT. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Lee at liquor store. Not particularly happy to see me. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. I think posting BB episode was, in effect, me standing up to my father. Katie Halper co-host did same thing on Twitter and was suspended for seven days. But I was afraid the secret service would come knocking on my door. That I would be imprisoned for threatening the president’s life, etc.

October 4 dream:  Heather and Zoe and I live on the same floor of apt. building. Other Prosperos live elsewhere in the building. Big event coming up.

October 3, 2020:  Translation group in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Guy in gray sweatpants and gray top standing seductively. I pause ’til he notices me admiring him. (*Relates to hawk from G.C.P. hier, I think.) Then G.C.P. Then greeter at M.S. Then Starbucks Portola. Then down Teresita to Safeway. Isaac there. Realize upstairs neighbor’s disturbance from last night might relate to my reluctance to do video: “I hope he dies of COVID.” Work on video in p.m. Also bake pumpkin pie.

October 2, 2020:  In ’til 2:45. Walk out. Feel “shitty.” Come back. Take shit. Leave again at 3ish. Walk to G.P. No Lee at liquor store. Cute construction worker on Diamond. Same as hier only without mask. I admired him. He smiled. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk at apex. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Think about Trump. Sad that he may die. Also glad. Think about my father. Wonder why he never apologized or even admitted what he did to me. Recall stone I found on April 29, 2020 saying: “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. there. Go up to Apt. 429 later after a lot of noise. Realize they had not moved out as I had thought.

October 2 dream:  Talk with my upstairs neighbor, I think. (h.o.)

October 1, 2020:  Bills. Monthly BB. 1 p.m. appointment with San Mateo Housing Authority. She gave me two more forms to fill out. In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. They’re closed due to bad air day. Walk to G.P. See “Perfection.” Then nice lady on path to Lyell Street. Lee at G.P. liquor store. We had brief conversation. Walk thru G.C.P. Then M.S. Walk to Starbucks Portola but it’s 6:01 and they close at 6 p.m. #43 home. Then go to McD’s. I order apple pie and have to wait about 10 minutes for it. I think: This is happening for a reason. Cute guy on elevator delivering food from Market & Valencia. Only place I can think of is “Proposition Chicken.”

October 1 dream:  In comparative religion class, only 15 minutes left. One teacher asks me to ask other teacher if he is going to talk about something. He is not pleased I am interrupting him.

October 1 dream:  Move décor from near my bed ’cause it had a spider web and spider on it. Bloody left leg. People in gas station across street jumping for joy.

September 30, 2020:  One more document for HMB apartment. Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. then G.C.P. Hear coyotes close by howling to passing sirens on Portola Drive. M.S. Anthony and Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. #43 home.

September 30 dream:  Thane presenting second day of live class in S.F. About 60 people show up. Someone suggests we search for the “otter” one.

September 30 dream:  Getting ready to do a mass mailing. Some of the addresses are pre-printed, but many are not.

September 29, 2020:  Get up early. Hand in signed lease at 9:30 a.m. Get final HMB docs scanned and emailed. Take nap. (*Kissing Sarah nap dream relates to HMB interview on October 1?) In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Feel “shitty.” Get matcha latte at Starbucks Ocean Avenue. Walk home. See beautiful man in muscle T-shirt on balcony of my building. He goes indoors. As I’m taking a second look, see hawk perched on building across the street. Crows dive bombing hawk. Hawk finally flies away. Get home. Take shit. Watch first presidential debate.

September 29 nap dream:  Sarah and I lying next to each other. She looks very pretty. It feels like we’re about to kiss. Then she moves. I say, “Are you leaving?” She says, “I’m working up my courage.” She kisses me.

September 29 dream:  Get up late. Am supposed to meet Laurie at 11:15 a.m. Go to shopping center resto. Lots of escalators. Lots of meat dishes.

September 29 dream:  Getting out of small plane. Lots of cute guys.

September 28, 2020:  Scan docs for HMB apartment. Rush back to take shits. Then decide to go to 850 Bryant to get Report of Non-Criminal Record. Feel good afterwards like I’m getting a diploma graduating from S.F. Walk to 24th Street. Old Cafe Bello locked up. #48 to Starbucks Portola. Two young guys onboard. Wait for #43 at Laguna Honda and Portola. Guy in truck honks at me. I take second look. He waves. I wave. Don’t know who he is. #43 to W.F. Sara & Isaiah at W.F. McD’s. Watch TYT. Cenk rants about Shahid Buttar. At end of rant, he said “to keep your eyes on the prize” which was the way I ended my post “SF Progressives cut off nose to spite face” which I also copied and pasted on TYT comment page. In last episode of 19-2, cop joins Pedophiles Anonymous group. Insight: My defense mechanism: Take all the blame. Father a pedophile? Take the blame.

September 28 dream:  Beth Kuper teams up with Steve Hines. Someone touches me in the butt while I’m sleeping. I struggle to awake.

September 28 dream:  All male household repaints lime green and white indoors. No females around.

September 27, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola to Starbucks. Cute baristo there. I tell him I like his haircut. It’s tinted with green and purple. He smiles (*Relates to shits at 4ish hier?) Walked down Teresita to Safeway. Israel there. I get in long line just to see him. He looks great. Just got a haircut. He was pleased to see me. Had large brownie in a.m. Regretted it rest of day.

September 27 dream:  Female house guest walks out of the house with my camera and something else. I follow after her with youngest cousins, one of whom is right at my side.

September 27 dream:  Cute young gay guy dances in middle of the room as his story is narrated. He’s got a great haircut.

September 26, 2020:  Translation workshop in a.m. 14 or so in attendance. Shits at 4ish. In ’til 4ish. Get application from Half Moon Bay apartment plus current location rent renewal on same day. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there. Very hot guy in black leaving M.S. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Walk home. Sign lease and fill out HMB forms.

September 26 dream:  To invest in underinvestment(?) requires money to deposit, time, so that’s why we are delaying a few days.

September 26 dream:  All set to move apartments. Have to set a date. Make sure water and electricity are all on.

September 25, 2020:  OSF website goes down about 10:30 a.m. Everything topsy-turvy just like my walk hier. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. See two “160” address numbers. 160 = 1 + 6 = 7. Realize Comet Kohoutak certainly related to my own inner cosmic change from March 1973 to December 1973. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Then down Teresita to Safeway. Then #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. there. At one point I get very excited about something but don’t remember what. Later chatted with Domantas in Lithuania about OSF website being down. He said my ”nameservers were not fully correct.” OSF back up at 7:30 p.m.

September 25 dream:  Flight crew (black men mostly) mad at me and I’m mad at them. We’re all saying “Fuck you“ to each others.

September 25 dream:  Rose placed in my shoe and buried in the ground in honor of Etta Thorpe.

September 24, 2020:  Decide not to pursue 1550 Mission BMR. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Waylaid by cute guy walking thru CCSF. I followed him ’til he climbed over the Ram football field fence. (*Relates to near hawk from hier?) Continue to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. All ready to go to M.S., Starbucks and #43 bus home but lost my mask so had to retrace my steps to G.P. Angry black man on way. Buy new mask at G.P. Matcha latte at Canyon Market. Then #43 and #49 home. Cute guy on #49.

September 24 dream:  Of 435 members of Congress, we have contacted all but 3. One is sick and the other two haven’t yet agreed to the $90,000 buyout.

September 24 dream:  Living in top bunk. Nancy O. on the floor level bunk. It’s a mess. I accidentally drink from a broken glass.

September 23, 2020:  9 a.m. Translation workshop. Heather, me, Sarah, Clint and wife, Bulent and Alp, his son (from Turkey). Alp makes special point of saying hello to me. I am verklempt. In ’til 3ish. Stiver on way out the door. Cute “Deep” at 7-11. W.P. Walk up Ulloa. Distant hawk over Edgehill Mountain. Kaleb plus hot co-baristo at Starbucks Portola. While talking with Kaleb, co-baristo gives me the eye. Walk down Teresita to Foerster. Very large hawk overhead on Foerster, but only noticed him at the last minute. I turn back to Teresita. Then see cute guy in taco truck, the same guy who smiled at me hier. Walk to Safeway. No RW&B potato salad (day 6). Walk back to taco truck. Order two fish tacos which I took home. They weren’t very good. Get BMR approval for 1550 Mission Not sure I want it.

September 23 dream:  Sitting in a bathtub in a row of bathtubs. Woman next to me has the hots for me. Older woman with lots of makeup comes in and sits next to me and kisses me on the mouth and says, “How are you?” I say, “Who are you?” She says, “Really? Of all people.”

September 22, 2020:  Email more docs for BMR approval. Feel good about my financial situation. In ’til 3ish. Inspiration to write BB blog: “Virgin Birth.” 5th day without “Red, White & Blue” potato salad at Safeway. Later realize the “red” was probably bacon. Hot guy brushing his teeth next to mobile taco stand. I see him from behind and when I walk in front, he smiles at me. Walk up Teresita to M.S. Portola. Then Starbucks Portola. Then #43 to Plymouth. Buy Chron and go to McD’s. Clock falls off wall at 5:25 p.m. or so. Insight: My kick in the balls on June 14, 2020 was not just Richard but the whole Sunday Night Translation Group that seems to be using Translation as a cover-up for racism. Was my father racist, too, in addition to being a pedophile? Talk about a kick in the balls. From my.clevelandclinic.org: “Hydroceles occur in only about 1% of adult men, and will often disappear on their own within the first 6 months.”

September 22 dream:  King can bring people back alive by transferring their heads onto a new body. King himself gets killed but declines to get a new body.

September 21, 2020:  Tough night last night. Withdraw from Comparative Religion class in a.m. Sarah calls. I was on the phone as her son got news of a financial windfall. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Cute non-responsive baristo named Anthony. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. In line for Homer, other cashier takes my item and invites me to her checkout line. #43 home. Stop by Beep’s. Adoré there. He has moved back to S.F. (from Stockton). Said his ex-girlfriend’s parents called him at 7 a.m. to blame him for his ex-roommate breaking up with his ex-girlfriend. I order small swirl cone. He gave me large one.

September 21 dream:  Am building a boat with Leigh and a few others. I came late to the project. Leigh was skeptical at first.

September 21 dream:  Second company outing. This time more relaxed. Someone asked me to do a financial report since I was one of the people taking donations. I said: “I’m not the only person who’s going to write that report.”

September 20, 2020: Sarah calls about 3 p.m. Then I leave for walk down Ocean Avenue to W.P. Sexually interesting, possibly homeless guy on Ulloa. (*Relates to hawk/crow from Mission hier, I think.) Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Down Teresita to Safeway. No “Red White & Blue” potato salad for 3rd day in a row. Realize on walk that when Sarah told me, “Well, Melissa thinks what she thinks,” that she was wrong. I write email to Sarah saying, in effect, “No, she doesn’t. She thinks what Fox News tells to her to think. And that’s the problem.” Realize Stiver from a few days ago may have been coming on to me.

September 20 dream:  Cenk and Ana yelling at me for criticizing Ana in French. (*Relates to last night’s Translation Group sense testimony: “Lack of listening and understanding may cause disruption of team synchrony and harmony”?)

September 20 dream:  Counting out $148.

September 19, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Hawk/crow near Mission. See Lee at G.P. liquor store. He seemed happy to see me. Hike thru G.C.P. Hawk there at apex? Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. Walk down Teresita. Very hot guy talking on phone who I just missed. Later runner who I didn’t miss. Isaac at Safeway. Still no Red, White & Blue Potato Salad. Insight: Did my sexual abuse with my father happen in Kamakura first? And my discomfort at wearing my clothes inside-out on crossing the international dateline on the way back? (*Relates to my Kamakura dream of September 18?) Explains me getting all sweaty on reading Richard’s email reply to me? By quitting the Sunday Night Translation Group, I thought I was standing up to Melissa. But I think I was really standing up to Richard (my “father”). Richard kicked me in the balls on June 14, 2020. Urology Dept. now wants to get in touch me, after having told me I’d have to wait for 3 months for an appointment.

September 19 dream:  Hard-on dream about my big right testicle.

September 19 dream:  Packing up and getting ready to leave motel for next place. I tell girl, “Now is not a good time to piss me off.”

September 19 dream:  Jazz musician in our home.

September 19 dream:  Big wedding. Lots of immigrants. Many women in white heading back because “We’re not good enough.” Women in blue from Germany harassing them? I arrive at sanctuary. Two black guys there. We wait for the throngs.

September 18, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then C.B. at G.P. Then walk up Monterey to Safeway. See Jun at work with door open and windows unblocked. Israel at Safeway looking very beautiful. He says: “I remember you.” Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. not there. We talk ’til almost 7 p.m. Hanz brings up Carl Payne Tobey’s equal house astrology system. Someone else brings up Dane Rudhyar’s Astrology of America’s Destiny. I thank Rick for sending us all Thane’s Leap Into Sanity lesson via email. Then thank Janet. Hanz says to me:  “… and Suzanne.” (*Relates to dream of September 17, I think.) Watch two different movies in p.m. One talks about the name Gunnar meaning “bold warrior” and another talks about the name Gideon meaning “great warrior.”

September 18 dream:  Taking off work early on Friday and driving to Kamakura, Japan, with two others. They were leaving. I still had to ask for permission to leave. Man had on leather coat like my father’s. Man asks me to quit fighting outside his door. I say: “Okay.” Someone else calls off old, tired dog.

September 18 dream:  See long boa constrictor on the road. I turn back. Other small animal not so quick.

September 18 dream:  Aftermath of a party. Some Chinese food from 1946 and 1992 unwrapped but looked delicious and was, according to one person. We decided to save it and wrap it for later.

September 18 dream:  Looking for a new car. Put myself on a waiting list for Triumph car substitute. They usually run out in a week. Funny, handsome English character, doing a bit.

September 17, 2020:  Comparative Religion quiz. Hier’s 3:30 shits relate to posting of “The 4th Date” on the BB? In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee not there. Then on to G.C.P and Starbucks Portola. Cute construction guy outside who seemed to enjoy my attention. #43 home. Sit across from cute, classy guy who gets off at my stop. McD’s and home. Insight: Pelvic pain due to things going well? Guy talking loudly outside my apt. at 12:30 a.m. (*Relates to email from Richard B. later that evening?)

September 17 dream:  I’m trying to buy a meat dinner for our group. Nancy O. buys me a leg of meat on rice and gives it to me.

September 16, 2020:  9 a.m. Translation workshop with Heather and Sarah. In ’til 3ish. Left home. Talked with Stiver at W.F. Felt “shitty.” Came home. Took shits at 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. See hawk on Arbor Street. Then later at apex of G.C.P. Cruise guy on bike at Portola and O’Shaughnessy. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Stiver again at W.F. Also Isaiah and Sara.

September 16 dream:  Taking toothpicks out of guy in bikini to strip him naked before others do theirs. We get him naked. So I’m not sure how we make more people(?) Bill Floyd there.

September 15, 2020:  Wilson Fong in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Lots of calls. Walk down Ocean to W.P. J-like guy on W.P. bench, only homeless, younger, smoking cigarette. Weather a little clearer. Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Comparative Religion homework.

September 15 dream:  Clown (devil) in training.

September 15 dream:  S.F. fair with some really beautiful men, but not much happiness.

September 14, 2020:  Comparative Religion class at 9 a.m. Write “Right-wing Prosperos” blog for BB and email Translation group that I am quitting them. Talk with Sarah on phone. In ’til 4ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Hazy day. See dead raccoon on Ocean. (*Relates to Mellissa, I think.) Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Realize extra phlegm in my throat is probably related to bad air and wearing a mask. Insight: Realize reason I left London so quickly back in 2015 (even paying 200 pounds to leave two hours early) was because I had done what I was meant to do there. That I had met the young man in Hyde Park that I was meant to meet and that there was nothing more for me to do there. It had nothing to do with London.

September 14 dream:  Trying to move hospital bed.

September 14 dream:  Trying to run off 100 flyers for mailing out.

September 14 dream:  Waiting by a freeway offramp for Jerry. Say goodbye to Marie who drove us there.

September 13, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Different “Deep” than I remembered at 7-11. Go to W.P. Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Go to Beep’s. No Adoré. Then see Stiver lookalike. As I approach him, other beautiful man walks by and smiles. It wasn’t Stiver. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People being disconnected can result in inflammatory words and actions. My conclusion: Truth, one Individual in touch with everything, speaks for Itself, acts for Itself, is all that can be provoked (called forth) in flagrant disregard for that which is not so. We had another fight about Melissa’s “sense testimony” which was just a regurgitation of a Fox News story about protestors who killed two police officers without any backstory about what the protestors were protesting. After a restless night, I decide to quit group.

September 12, 2020:  Translation workshop in a.m. Very confusing presentation. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. They’re closed due to bad air day. Walk to G.P. See my Korean friend at liquor store. He looks really good. I ask his name. It’s Lee. See “John” etched in sidewalk. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. See cute guy on Gennessee. Get off bus. Go to Safeway. Homer, Isaac and third cute guy whose name I don’t know. Latter was nice to me for the first time. After, stop by Jun’s to let him know barbers can cut hair indoors starting Monday. He already knew. #43 home. See very interesting Chomsky YouTube in p.m.

September 12 dream:  Having secret sexual relationship with person which I try to force out into the open.

September 12 dream:  Type special memo to get an hour off work after lunch to get something needed. Then forget to go.

September 11, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Talk with Stiver again outside W.F. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to CVS Portola. See Pat for first time in a while. He’s looking buffer and buffer. He wants to know what I’ve learned from the book he recommended and I bought: Your Perfect Right. Rush to #43 home. Get off half way home. Rush to eat before Prosperos Round Table. Tom C. there. At one point woman who is not at all shy says, “I was finished so I muted myself.” So I joked, “And that’s rare.” She joked that now I was in the doghouse, but I felt like I was floating on top of myself. Later realized this was all meant for Tom. (*Relates to hard-on dream from September 9 and “Get the expected unexpectedly” from hier, I think.)

September 11 dream:  We have to pack up and leave in a real hurry. Afraid I’ll have to just leave some things behind. My heart is racing.

September 11 dream:  Trying to put my shirts in correct numerical order. My father? Somebody giving me a hard time ’cause I’m drinking my “last” Coke.

September 11 dream:  “Eating” French toast made by some black friends. It’s great. Looking for more syrup.

September 11, dream:  Trying to find a place to shit at a crowded men’s conference. Somebody had signed us up for about $250,000 in expenses.

September 10, 2020:  Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Meet Stiver from Albania in front of W.F. Walk down Ocean. Guy at Walgreen’s. Walk Portola to Starbucks. Then #43 home. Shits when I get home about 5:30 p.m. Hear: “Get the expected unexpectedly.” Watch Alan Turing movie in p.m. Makes me cry.

September 10 dream:  Tom C. joins group. He changes dynamic completely.

September 10 dream:  My new female boss asks me if I’ve learned how to play the piano yet. I say: “No.” Her friend jokes about her bringing “Bob” to an event. I agree it was a bad idea.

September 9, 2020: Comparative religion class at 9:10 a.m. Later, in the shower, I think of time I kissed John back in ’87. Get one ring phone call which thrills me. Reddish pink overcast day. Feels very weird. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Cute red-headed guy at Eezy-Freezy. I say: “I like your hair.” He says: “Thanks.” Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Good-looking baristo there who avoids my glances. #43 home. Berniecrat group in p.m. Ben explodes over mention of Shahid. Call Steve H. after.

September 9 dream:  Hard-on dream.

September 9 dream:  Watching homeless guy on Market watch the money in a hat. Then he takes the money. Then he drops it. Comes back and picks it up. I feel obligated for some reason to stay. Tom C. drops by. Asks if there’s a party. I say: “Yes,” quietly so homeless guy doesn’t hear. He says: “Where?” I point towards the Castro. He says: “When?” I say: “7 p.m.” He says: “It’s 7 p.m. now. Let’s go.” I say: “Okay.” We walk together to line in back of room. He’s being very nice to me. The party’s at Calvin’s on Parnassus and Castro. There’s an after-party at Wallace’s.

September 9 dream:  Get job swimming in the afternoon. Also in women’s underwear dept. They show me terry cloth sample. I say: “Isn’t that to thick?” They say they’ll fix it.

September 8, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Walk to G.P. Buy Chron from rack instead of going to my Korean friend’s liquor store. Accidentally rip jacket in the next block. Walk thru G.C.P. to Starbucks Portola. Woman barista there still hot for me. Down Teresita to Monterey. Talk with Jun at his salon. He says he’ll call later in p.m. for mirror I offered him so he could cut hair outside. Meet Isaac at Safeway. Talk with Homer.

September 8 dream:  Woman trying to take over the milk company. They even took out all the animals. Phil D. thinks pan of bread belongs back in the oven but it’s tied to something and won’t reach.

September 8 dream:  We’re already working on the next assignments whether on politics or biology. Out by the Golden Gate.

September 7, 2020:  New neighbors move in upstairs last night. BB and OSF websites down all day from 10:30 a.m. to 11:30 p.m. Inspired me to clean my bathroom. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Find credit card on sidewalk. (Later put in mailbox.) Starbucks Portola. Down Teresita. Long-haired short guy walking slowly up as I walk down. We wave to each other. Could have done more, I think.

September 6, 2020:  Write blog: “Op-Ed: Progressive groups cut off nose to spite face.” In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola. Deep at 7-11 smiles at me. (*See diary of September 2.) Walk up Portola to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there. Then walk down Teresita. Run into Pete. (*See diary of August 9.) Then on to Safeway. Israel there, looking quite beautiful. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Unconscious influences are causing heated irritability and poor leadership. My conclusion: Truth, being the cause/effect of all that is, is all that leads and all that follows, is consciousness always excited, always aroused, always in motion, is of boundless value.

September 6 dream:  Thane about to die. Someone asks me what I thought of Unity. I say: “Not much other than what it did for Thane.” Later run into William Fennie with a white rose for his girlfriend.

September 6 dream:  Run into Chris Hinrichs and others at coffee shop in L.A. or S.F.

September 5, 2020:  Jerk off. Anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola. See local politico Alan Wong and friend on Ocean. The friend likes my TYT T-shirt. Later on Ocean, car runs red light as I’m about to cross street. Starbucks Portola. Mt.D. Then home. Strange (but cute) black guy on entering back gate home. 80 degrees and smokey when I open my balcony door at 1 a.m.

September 5 dream:  Elderly Jewish residents coming into building. Perhaps Holocaust survivors.

September 5 dream:  S.F. just finished big nude parade. I’m with Aunt Joanne and others. Trying to figure out gift for woman friend of Joanne’s. Scarf seems to be best idea.

September 5 dream:  Dreaming of Chicago.

September 4, 2020:  3 or 4 false alarms in the a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola to M.S. Beautiful long-haired runner at Laguna Honda Boulevard. Shop at M.S. Then Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. Then Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. not there.

September 4 dream:  Photocopying a thick legal-sized document. Trouble getting it all the way thru. (h.o.)

September 4 dream:  Driving slowly thru a tough part of l.A.

September 4 dream:  Making watery omelet.

September 4 dream:  Guy buying pole Tom O. gave to me. I give him key.

September 3, 2020:  Online work. Jerk off. Get anonymous call. (*Relates to first dream of September 2?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then to G.P. Then thru G.C.P. Trip at apex. Then Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. Female bus driver attracted to me. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) Richard Branam calls in p.m.

September 3 dream:  Tried to block every output for five or six days into a cube. It wouldn’t fit.

September 3 dream:  Ate dusty little popper which tingled the top of my mouth. Supposed to shake them first. They were pretty dusty.

September 2, 2020:  Two or more calls in a.m. (*Relates to last dream of September 1?) Comparative Religion quiz in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. 7-11 guy offers me help putting my DVD into the bag he provided. Go to W.P. Then up Ulloa to Mt.D. As I descend, I’m Translating something and coming up with conclusion that Truth is boundless pleasurable comfort. Then I came face-to-face with shirtless, well-built guy in a small patch of green I am speechless. I stare at him. He says: “Hi.” I say: “Getting a sun . . . ?” “Sun bathing,” he says. He’s getting up and going to his car. I continue on. Then switch back. See him put on his shirt, get in his car and out of it and back in it again. Walk down Faxon. See “Arms Wide. Take off in a plane.” Pick up my shoes. Then Targét guy again. Woman on Ocean checks me out. Hawk over Avalon Apartments.

September 2 dream:  John F’s dog and other dog lying down next to each other. Finally at peace. (h.o.)

September 2 dream:  My professor gives me details of my assignment. He’s very moved.

September 2 dream:  Go to inspect some of Trump’s properties with him.

September 1, 2020:  Apartment application from seven years ago emails me today saying there may be an opening soon. Wrote “On Consciousness” blog for BB. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean, looking for Tilex to clean my shower. Nobody has it. Beautiful tall, dark and handsome, broad-shouldered security guard at Targét helps me out. Go to W.P. See “Etched in Stone.” (Don’t know whether this relates to my new apartment or to something else). Stop at Eezy-Freezy. Then up Ulloa to Portola. #43 home. Seductive, very young gay man in front of Riordan High School. I get off bus early to run into him. Follow him down Ocean Avenue. Finally talk to him outside BofA ATM. Later he gets inside ATM kiosk and talks on his cellphone. Got “perfect” when I get home. Insight: “Soma” as Hindu god, term for the body, Indian drink and drug used in Brave New World to make everybody happy.

September 1 dream:  Rushing from house to house on my bike. Trying to beat the time limit. I was low on the political totem pole so people didn’t know my name.

September 1 dream:  About to slide into massive construction hole. I ask guy for help. He says: “If you fall in, somebody else will replace you.”

August 31, 2020:  Comparative Religion class at 9 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Sole guy on top. He was very friendly. He said the weather would be better next week. Then on to CVS. Starbucks Portola. #43 home.

August 31 dream:  Some slick business guys are trying to take over our publishing company.

August 31 dream:  Biden about to debate.

August 30, 2020:  People’s Convention online from 1 p.m. onwards. In ’til 3ish. Cute Asian guy in lobby. (Same guy as on August 20, I think.) He was carrying a bag trying to get into the building. I said: “Is that for me?” He mumbled something. Walk to G.P. Talk with my handsome Korean friend at liquor store about getting the Korea Times online. Walk thru G.C.P. Wondering about the coyotes. Then I run into Janet, the Coyote Lady. See Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People can be lied to and misled by deceitful power brokers. My conclusion: Person is Consciousness Being, the True Personhood, the Real deal; It is the sole Speaker and all that is every spoken, all that is ever heard, guiding Itself in ever-harmoniously Truthful movement, always obeying Itself, always in step/cadence with Itself.

August 30 dream:  Thane: “Bill Noey, you know him, right?” Me: “I don’t remember.” Thane: “He opened up a Safeway a minute too late.” Black guy there as well.

August 30 dream:  I’m supposed to bring a turkey back from Santa Cruz. Bruce King there. Turkey is a polite kind English woman who I was very gentle with but who I wanted to hit.

August 29, 2020:  I present online Translation workshop at 9 a.m. About 12 attended. My PowerPoint was well-received, I think. (*Relates to first dream of August 28?) Did online work. Tried to take nap but wasn’t really tired. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then to G.P. liquor store. My handsome Korean friend who writes music reviews for the Korea Times is there. Then matcha latte from C.B. at G.P. Then walk thru G.C.P. for 2nd day in a row. Hear hawk screaming again. Louder and closer than hier. Walk to Portola, then down Teresita to Safeway. Then #43 home.

August 29 dream:  The rise and demise of a great titan.

August 29 dream:  At new job in building with stage where I was part of some play in an old cockroach-infested theater. The floor had been painted red and looked like bricks. I had barely anything on. Liz Andrews said we should take care of Liz Warren’s ship. Guy walking with me suddenly grabbed my hand and said it was his “shit” that people were talking about.

August 29 dream:  We all get new computers and printers. I’m struggling to get on the back of the truck to retrieve mine. There are only two left. I think the other one belongs to my boss.

August 28, 2020:  Shahid Buttar calls. We talk for 20 minutes or so. He wants my financial support. I also gave him some campaign advice. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Pick up new DVDs in a nice little bag! Walk to C.B. at G.P. Then walk thru G.C.P. Hear hawk. #43 home. Prosperos group at 5:30 p.m. Usual suspects. At end Tom C. says goodbye to many individually, intentionally excluding me. I think he was putting on a show. So I hung up on him. (*Relates to 2nd dream of August 25, I think. Also to “expect the unexpected” from hier. I had expected that that dream would relate to J.) Whenever I am around Tom C. there is–maybe not sexual tension–but something. It’s uncomfortable yet exciting. Perhaps it could be called “spiritual tension” or perhaps “SupraSexual tension.”

August 28 dream:  At long table, someone says I will watch anything. I agree. (h.o.)

August 28 dream:  Repairs being made to Folsom Street.

August 28 dream:  Rush home ’cause I forgot to lock my door. Go to my old apt. Someone I know has moved in. Woman on the way warned me something bad had happened.

August 27, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola. Guy at 7-11 calls me “my friend.” I come unglued. Walk thru W.P. to Mt.D. Funny guy with beekeeper hat walking on top. Piano guy on Los Palmos has another beautiful man in the background. This time a young Latino man in what looked like long underwear. Was going to go to Beep’s but went to Pakwan resto instead. Cute Pakistani there. Was going to take photo of cool yellow car but got intimidated by the thought he might not like it. RNC #4.

August 27 dream:  Phil Diers taking over the pool for the next year.

August 27 dream:  Meet two of Calvin’s friends, Robin and Paul(?), who I really like. Robin becomes naked. Calvin and other friends arrive. I get in fight with Calvin. He shows me his knife.

August 26, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. It’s so cold and windy outside I don’t continue on to Mt.D. #43 home. Take quiz for online Comparative Religion class. RNC night #3 with David Doel on YouTube.

August 26 dream:  In bed, trying to get to sleep. Cat keeps poking me or getting on top of me. Later, at work, I try to notice if anyone has my 826 prefix phone number. I can’t remember the whole number.

August 26 dream:  Realize J. is not going to be my boyfriend. See him in the Castro followed by my next boyfriend, I hope. I have chalk on my face as No. 2 boyfriend looks in on us. Then taking train back into the Castro.

August 26 dream:  Schedule of events starting August 22, and then every two days.

August 26 dream:  Walk into cafe. Latest girl J. has slept with is playfully spraying him with a water hose. I go upstairs. Some of J’s slimy friends up there.

August 25, 2020:  Get up at 6 a.m. for VA appointment. Got there and it had been cancelled, apparently by me. Woman said that she talked to me hier and that I said I couldn’t come in ’cause I had a rash. (*See dream of August 27.) Go to La Promenade cafe. Barista there seems to like me. Then #38 and #29 home. Bagger at W.F. Online work. Reply to Brandon H. email about Berniecrats rescinding our endorsement for Shahid B. even though we voted not to rescind. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. and home. Talk to piano guy on Los Palmos. See his beautiful son in the background briefly. Feel shits coming on. Flock of seagulls escorting me for about half a block at CCSF parking lot. Shits when I get home.

August 25 dream:  Weasel-like animal pushes beyond its doorway. We put up new screen. Then it morphs into a barely visible stream of energy. We put Native American flowers, etc., on it so it would show up. Someone says we have made great progress just noticing it.

August 25 dream:  Undergoing a planetary crisis. The earth will change its shape, at least temporarily, due to the pull of this other planet. Woman CEO takes us to her apt. to explain. She shows us her underwear as part of the explanation. We don’t know what to expect.

August 25 dream:  At creative weekend, we took train to get there. Finally program starts. Everyone gathers in groups. No masks. Carol Carter there with bad cold. She doesn’t believe in COVID but it’s good to see her. I was thinking of leaving ’til Carol got there.

August 25 dream:  Visiting Paris with group. Don’t like it much. Tour bus guide takes us on very steep road to high place and parks us in the ocean water with other cars. He jokes about my “plague” T-shirt.

August 24, 2020:  9 a.m. class in Comparative Religion. Took about 15 minutes to get online. Beautiful man named Ian. Online work. Nap. In ’til 3:45 ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola to Starbucks. Then Mt.D. Then home. RNC #1. Thank god for TYT!

August 24 dream:  Thane says: “I want some blueberries(?) in my bag tomorrow when I leave at 6 a.m.” I have a small rash on my finger. (*Relates to going to VA on August 25. They said they had talked to me hier and that I had cancelled the appointment because I had a rash. I didn’t talk to anybody at the VA hier.)

August 23, 2020:  Suzanne D. email complimenting me on being the epitome of what a mentor should be. That kind of unnerved me. Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk up to Mt.D. Piano from Los Palmos no longer there. Forgot my camera. Walk to Mt.D. and turn back to go to Safeway. Talked with Homer, a new cashier. He told me he was from Laredo, TX. I told him that I spent some time in Nuevo Laredo. He said: “What brought you there? Was it a job?” I said: “Drinking.” He liked that response. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Care providers may defraud and harm those In their care for status or personal gain. My conclusion: Truth, the real deal, lives happily and independently on its own, without apology, the only Person, the only standing, the only beneficiary in the Universe.

August 23 dream:  Dream about counting votes. (h.o.)

August 23 dream:  Visiting hippie couple in S.F. We were going somewhere, all on horses, standing on the saddle. I didn’t know how I was doing it so I hoped we’d finish soon. I wanted to check to see if my car was sparked somewhere where I wouldn’t get fined. I knew it was on Cortland and something in the Civic Center area.

August 22, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola. Then Mt.D. Then Target for some socks and a matcha latte. Then K home. Stop at Beep’s, but Adorê doesn’t seem to be there.

August 22 dream:  I run “like a gazelle” to catch the elevator. J. is with me. There’s another young man on the elevator with us. It’s cold outside so J. and we stand close to each other. We hold hands and our arms touch. He’s hot. I say: “You’re hot. Am I hot?”

August 22 dream:  Author(?) and gay(?) man looking to get together.

August 22 dream:  I belong to house of Berniecrats. They are interviewing for new members. I go to wrong home at first. Then wait on couch with other visitors while the interviews are taking place. I wonder if I’ll ever have a better financial situation.

August 22 dream:  Missed Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. Run into Billye Talmadge and friend in their car. Guy sleeping in shower room. I ask him how he stays so thin. He says he tries not to eat too much.

August 21, 2020:  Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk Plymouth to Monterey to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there. Walk to Mt.D. and home. Prosperos group at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. there. He disagreed with something I said. Then had a coughing fit.

August 21 dream:  Someone invites us all down to Santa Cruz, Mexico. I’m not interested. I throw out some Bernie receipts.

August 21 dream:  At work went next door to see conservative artist in his shop. He draws from photographs. Then female workmate joined me. Suddenly she was turning red and touching his hands. Went back to work. I thought I’d be in trouble for being late, but I was very happy. Receipts on my desk welcoming me back anytime.

August 21 dream:  Found an area of S.F. I want to move to if I can ever get enough money. Jump down wall with other guy. We seem to slow in mid-air.

August 20, 2020:  Get up early. Do online work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Cute Asian guy in muscle shirt on elevator. I said: “Hi.” He didn’t say anything. Later in mailroom as I’m leaving and he’s picking up his to-go bag, I say: “Dinner time?” He mumbles something. Walk down Ocean to Portola to Mt.D. See “Perfection” at CopyEdge, I think. #43 home Get off with other cute Asian guy. Follow him down Ocean Avenue to Chinese resto. He was getting chicken legs. I said: “Are they good?” He said they were kind of crunchy. I tried to order curry. He said: “They don’t have curry. It’s a Hong Kong resto.” He recommended another place on Ocean which I took as my opportunity to leave. DNC night #4 in p.m.

August 20 nap dream:  About to have pool party at Saratoga house. Run up to my father for permission. Then I think I: “What am I doing?” Turn back. Head to pool with my shorts on. Some dogs fighting each other. Wonder why I’m not more afraid of them.

August 20 dream:  Someone took down cartoon I posted. I put it all and others back up.

August 20 dream:  Made some watery scrambled eggs for Jeff B. and Nancy O. They were cooking something else. So I ate them (the scrambled eggs).

August 19, 2020:  Wrote “On love and marriage” blog for BB in a.m. Got anonymous call almost immediately after posting it. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mollie Stones via Portola. Give $1 to my homeless friend. M.S. Kaleb at Starbucks. See hawk on way to bus stop? Discover Saagar video on YT about how Obama really didn’t want Biden to win the nomination. #43 home. Smoky day from fires in North Bay. Take photo of gray-bearded man. He says: “That’s all I have.” I say: “Well, that’s something.”

August 19 dream:  Remembering my poem “When Nannie’s here” made me feel better.

August 18, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola. Felt desire to take a different route. Ran into guy on bike at Laguna Honda and Portola. He was very happy. He seemed to be radiating joy. I thought he was talking with someone on the phone. Maybe he was. #43 got in my way. I crossed street. We exchanged looks. Then we exchanged looks again as he rode onto Portola. On to Mt.D. Then #43. Then home. DNC night #2.

August 18 dream:  Wet my pants. Woman gives me new pair. They fit well but are holey. Talk to young guys with braces who are in school rock band.

August 17, 2020:  Comparative Religion class in a.m. About 25 or so online on Zoom. Should be fun class. Fell in love with guy named Dimitri. Walk to Mt.D. via Portola. Dog barking at me and rushing towards me on Mt.D. (*Relates to my comments hier about J. living with sugar daddies, I think.) #43 home. DNC convention in p.m. Insight: Writing something down mid-walk, notice that I feared that somebody (my father?) will notice that I have a mind of my own.

August 17 dream:  We were working in various places. I was supposed to go to Wyoming. It was considered a foreign country.

August 17 dream:  Try to help Helen Sandoz with her back pain. She has back muscle sticking outside her body.

August 17 dream:  Nancy O. gets in argument with me. Wants to do something. Later I stay on for dinner. With me a family of kids. Am in line for big slice of ham. Then transfer will be shaping up.

August 16, 2020:  Sunday Meeting with Ben Gilberti in a.m. About 28 people attended on Zoom. Very well received. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Friendly guy on Ocean near Aptos. Buy paper in W.P. I say: “Is it complete?” Guy says: “It’s got the pink section. That’s what you guys always ask for.” Us guys? Shirtless guy on Del Sur Avenue. Then Mt.D. Hear guy talking on Bella Vista near where I had seen cute guy on July 24. Got closer and noticed guy talking was older white guy. He ignored me. I think he was the sugar daddy of the beautiful guy who smiled at me on July 24. I think J. used to have a sugar daddy or two. One on Chenery and one on 18th Street, I believe. Walk home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People work against themselves and others due to ignorance and fear. My conclusion: All being, human and otherwise, works together harmoniously, because there is nothing to fear/revere and there is no limit to knowing/consciousness.

August 16 dream:  Famous young actor/star plus 3 girls who transfer with him on the Muni underground. (h.o.)

August 16 dream:  Two guys arguing over political debate.

August 16 dream:  Taking out the garbage. Third load. Have to ride my bike to place called Cora’s. Garbage had all kinds of nasty stuff: shit, a human head, etc.

August 15, 2020:  Translation workshop at 9 a.m. Great to see Jonathan Flynn again. He looks wonderful. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola. Older Asian guy on Ocean checks me out. Then Mt.D. Then down to Safeway. Then #43 home. I hurt my knee (again) getting on bus. Kick door open on exiting with my 4 bags of groceries. Wonder if J. would still love me if he saw get so angry. Guy at Unity Plaza smiles at me.

August 15 dream:  Working at resto with 29 or 30 tables. (h.o.)

August 14, 2020:  Shits at about 2:30 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Then Mt.D. Snake on Mt.D. Then home. Internet goes down around 5 p.m. Prosperos group (13 or so) on Zoom at 5:30 p.m. Unidentified caller on iPhone (*Relates to snake in the grass on Mt.D. earlier?) First sunny, warm day in a long time.

August 14 dream:  Trying to get my diary in on time.

August 14 dream:  Trying to get in touch with my old boss at work, Jeannie Maher. Have to use payphone. Need to press “surprise” and another button before I start dialing. Lots of kids around. There will be a company football game later. Sideways elevators with somebody I liked.

August 13, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Then Justin at Peets W.P. He’s not very responsive to me, but female barista is. Walk to Mt.D. Cute guy in funny hat. I follow him downhill. See him sitting in his car. I continue to top and return home. Older gay man on top smiles at me. Post on OSF: “What would you say if you had 60 seconds to speak at the Democratic National Convention?”

August 13 dream:  Anchored out in a boat outside the Golden Gate. Big woman is telling me she has a new boyfriend who is “bigger than a house.” And he’s going to take her flying. I also have a boyfriend who will be taking me flying in a real plane, not a glider. Some Chinese junks nearby.

August 12, 2020:  Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Pass runner in tight shorts and garish socks on his way up. Later pass him again. I say: “I thought you were already on top.’ He says: “I’m taking a couple of laps.” Talk with Pat at CVS about self-service checkout machines taking over. Kaleb at Starbucks. He’s going to study ecology for free gratis to Starbucks. Mexican guy on Frida Kahlo.

August 12 dream:  At military officers club. Around were photos of military buses. Some had black missiles drawn on the bottom. Some white. We have to color in the white ones everywhere as soon as we supplied the missiles. First was Appalachia, as in the music Appalachian Spring. I was thinking they should play that music.

August 11, 2020:  Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library on Mission. Return old DVDs from pre=pandemic. Then walk to G.P. Get matcha latte at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. . Long-haired blond guy complaining that he can’t keep his hair out of his face. Meet Ryan and his co-worker at M.S. #43 home. OSF post: “Newsom to appoint progressive replacement if Harris wins VP?”

August 11 dream:  Shakespearean character never got a chance to say goodbye to his mother before she died.

August 11 dream:  Death certificate of my Chinese mother: Hung, Li

August 11 dream:  J. preparing food at his place.

August 10, 2020:  Go to VA in a.m. Get in argument with doctor. I say: “You’ve never heard of remission of cancer?” he said: “Well, if it’s been misdiagnosed.” I say: “Oh, come on!” Walk to Inner Sunset via G.G. Park. #43 home. Still mad. Online work. Try to register for CCSF class in comparative religion. Take nap. Will try again tomorrow.

August 10 dream:  Dream of stork carrying baby.

August 10 dream:  Tom O. about to knock on my door at Saratoga house.

August 10 dream:  Guy from San Jose moves to Austria. They hold business meeting in the upstairs floor, but the cafes are better.

August 10 dream:  Ricardo contributes $1.00 to The Prosperos.

August 10 dream:  Stalin is killed (or at least he is knocked down). Play continues at end of hall. Beautiful princess. William Tell Overture.

August 9, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Followed guy with pony tail for a while. Go to CVS. Police there. Then home. Veteran on Teresita. He smiles and waves. My body tells me I’d like to be fucked by him. (*Relates to wanting to be fucked by my father?) Catch #43 at Riordan H.S. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Production, distribution and utilization of energy may be come dysfunctional. My conclusion: The constructs of Truth are already in place, everywhere equally present, perpetually in motion, fully functioning, and working for Its/Our own benefit.

August 9, 2020:  I’m at home alone. The electricity goes off. Two people at the door. It’s two women come to check the electricity. And maybe sell me a dog.

August 8, 2020:  Shits at about 2ish.  In ’til 3ish. Walk Ocean Avenue alleyway to CVS Portola. Then Mt.D. On descending, woman says to me: “Was it worth the trip?” Walk home. Follow cute, dark jogger down Staples. Nice good-looking guy moving boxes greets me. Walk to Riordan H.S. #43 home.

August 8 dream:  Am invited to club where they zap you if you want, and, it seems, even if you don’t want. As I realize, I go back to get my things. It may be too late.

August 8 dream:  Going to beautiful banquet room. Some people eating. Food looks wonderful. My friend sits. There is place for me to sit as well.

August 8 dream:  Getting back to work. Jack Lemmon there. I say, “Hi, Jack.” Looking at my list of things to do. Can’t figure out where to start.

August 7, 2020:  Shits at about 3ish.  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. via Plymouth. Then turn around and go to Safeway. Israel at Safeway. Prosperos weekly Zoom meeting at 5:30 p.m. 13 attended including Tom C. We talked about COVID and Trump. Was very disappointed, especially in Tom C., for not being even a bit skeptical about COVID. Not that COVID is a hoax, but that it is SENSE TESTIMONY! Called Mary L. after to see how Shahid endorsement vote went. Berniecrats did not rescind Shahid endorsement. 56% wanted to rescind but threshold was 2/3rds of the vote.

August 7 dream:  Woman wants to go to bed with me. Later I want to go to bed with her.

August 6, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. after following cute young guy to alternative path up. Then see Kaleb at CVS and later as he enters Starbucks. Then rush on #43 home to compose my Translation Lord’s Prayer. Insight: I made all sorts of decisions about who and what I am when I was a child, before I was even consciously aware of sexuality. Thus, my sexual guilt? Thus my pelvic pain?

August 6 dream:  Hanging out with Latina and her black boyfriend. They were eating powdered buns of some sort, not sweet.

August 6 dream:  I am secretary in law office with three projects I’m working for three different attorneys. Not getting very far.

August 5, 2020:  Discover Broadway Bares videos on YouTube. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Miramar to Mt.D. Asian guy with pony tail and flowered black pantaloons on Ocean. Then M.S. Then home via #43. Berniecrats from 6 to 10:30 p.m. talking about Shahid Buttar endorsement. Greg, Ben, Mary, Laksh and others at meeting. Some 75 people. Will tally votes on Friday.

August 5 dream:  Bernie supporter checking up on candidate.

August 5 dream:  Johnson Ferguson looks at new apt. on 31st floor. Only space available for rent is trunk for $350/month. Adjacent apt. may follow. Shower on 33rd floor had been totally redone. See Phil Diers. Also cute surfer blond guy with Hawaiian shirt. Woman in apt. is sewing something red like a fireman or Santa Claus.

August 5 dream:  Cute little girl comes running up to me. Calls me Marko. Then her mother with her new baby, wanting to know if I can spend some time with her next weekend. As I’m holding little girl, guy in corner yells: “Squeeze her.”

August 5 dream:  Washing dishes in our old apt. Landlord comes by with prospective new tenants.

August 4, 2020:  Big explosion in Beirut, Lebanon. (*Relates to J. reading my diary entry from hier, I think. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. via Ocean. Realize while walking that the final simultaneous games (in Washington, D.C. and Miami, Florida) from my Rosa Parks dream of 1995 probably don’t relate to the political corruption of the Democratic Party and the biological corruption COVID as I had thought, but to my diary entry from hier where I simultaneously confront John on being psychotic and my own fantasies of eventually becoming boyfriends with him. Beautiful man (with girl and dog) smiles at me as they make room for me to pass on Mt.D. (*Relates to my thoughts about my Rosa Parks dream, just mentioned, I think.) See ”End of October” on my way down Faxon towards home. In p.m. feel like such a fool for my 33-year “relationship” with John.

August 4 dream:  Start new job typing preliminary reports like I did in the ’90s. Boss asked us if we wanted insurance. Woman co-worker got very emotional and said she trusted him, the boss.

August 4 dream:  Go to pool party. Leave for home. Pick up new pair of socks. Get sock stuck in my throat. Some cute guys there.

August 4 dream:  Entire class goes to porno theater as a field trip. Reminds me of the time I saw J. (in another dream) at a gay porno theater.

August 3, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Then CVS. Tall guy with hot ass at Starbucks. Then Teresita home. Run into Jun on Judson. He gives me ride home. Then meet Clifton at W.F. I say: “Do you know why there’s a pickle shortage?” He thinks I’m telling a joke. I say: “No, I’m not telling a joke. I’ve been to Safeway, Mollie Stones and here, and there are no more pickle chips or pickle relish.” In p.m., without any forewarning, John shows up at my door. I invite him in. We make out. We have sex. It was nothing to write home about. But, after 33 years of foreplay, we finally got down to business. I doubt I’ll see much of him again. And that’s fine, too. I think he is psychotic, which to my understanding means that he is somebody without empathy. So it’s hard to have great sex with somebody who has no empathy. After all, sex is more than mutual masturbation. Good sex requires empathy. But as Prospero said of Caliban, “This thing of darkness I acknowledge mine.” So John may be psychotic, but he’s my psychotic. When I was crying almost uncontrollably while watching Carousel on August 1, I asked myself: “Does this relate to my father or something else from my past?” No, I think it related to something in my future. I think it related to my loss of John. Because I think I have lost him now. Now my only question is how does this relate to the Rosa Parks dream of 1995. The Rosa Parks dream intimated that my “games” with John would conclude after a football game in Dallas, Texas and then two simultaneous football games in Washington, D.C. and Miami, Florida. As I said in my diary of May 9, 2020, “Since these two games [Washington, D.C. and Miami, Florida], I think, represent political corruption (the fall of Bernie) and biological corruption (the Covid-19 crisis), the relationship with J. will end when these two crises end.”

August 3 dream:  Have the whole downstairs to myself so I decide to masturbate. Then my sister comes in. Later, I mirror woman in her pain of losing a lover.

August 3 dream:  Volunteered for a bit at office. There was not much to do so I left. Had seen J. in very sexy pants just before.

August 2, 2020:  Do online work. Nap. Return Sarah’s call. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. CVS. Starbucks. Cute guy in mask looks at me. Teresita home. Run into Franklin (Railroad Expresso’s Jesse’s brother) on Gennessee. Other neighbor stops by. We have real neighborhood confab for about 20 minutes. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Pandemic fatigue and anxiety is beyond ability to cope normally. My conclusion: Truth is one people, one power, infinite ability, uncollared, unleashed, all hands on deck being the only norm, the True pandemic.

August 2 dream:  Had to cut through human carcass as initiation into cult. May have cut my finger in the process.

August 2 dream:  Everybody at work was being nice to me. I felt like crying ’cause I hadn’t had very nice thoughts about them. Someone brought in pastries, etc.

August 2 dream:  Going through special police training with Armando S. to stand watch in the Castro this evening and a few other times each month. At end of training, he rolled Armando into a ball and rolled him down a shoot to back of pick-up truck.

August 2 dream:  Go to lowest level at homeless shelter. Some naked young homeless guys there. One smiles at me. Then another says, “Come with me.” Then woman with shaved head is calling her family to apologize.

August 1, 2020:  Translation workshop on Zoom at 9 a.m. Bills. Monthly BB. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. and back to Safeway around 4 p.m. My cashier is Israel (from Honduras) who I met on July 25. (*Relates to shits of hier around 4 p.m., I think.) 4 police cars pull up to arrest guys on Judson on #43 home. View Carousel in p.m. Lots of crying.

August 1 dream:  Cute Mexican guy with much of his mouth removed and TV screen on his forehead which said, “Move, puta.” I began kissing him and holding him. Feeling his body. His ass. I knew he was trouble. He wanted pens which contained drugs. (h.o.)

August 1 dream:  Big movie-like battle scene between Islamists and West. We were walking along and ugly, mean guy wants to recruit me. I break away. He pops up again later. Follow guy who is climbing up building to his car parked above. He drives it down building. It flings over.

August 1 dream:  Want to walk on a new section of bridge. It is a moving string of wire that you just have to hang onto the whole way. Wasn’t sure I could do it. Woke up. (h.o.)

July 31, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Feel shits coming on. Make it almost to the top. Then head back. Find open porta-potty on Cresta Vista, but decide against it. Rush home. Take shits. Walk to 7-11 to buy Chron. Cute Islamic guy still there. Stop at Java Hut on Ocean for matcha latte. Cute Asian couple with pink cake box on elevator up. Prosperos Zoom group from 5:30 to 6:30 p.m. Tom C. there. He tells me BNC stands for Benefits Loan Center, which is a nonprofit he works for in Seattle.

July 31 dream:  Woman picks up type of ship she wants to enlist on. My friend picks ship different than mine. (h.o.)

July 30, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Find $1 on Plymouth. Mt.D. CVS. Kaleb at Starbucks. (Felt dizzy and weak so go on sweets spree: chocolate bar at CVS, coffee frappuccino at Starbucks, soy latte and brownie at Cafe Bello, lemon pie at Ocean Avenue liquor store.) Follow guy on Teresita, down Foerster, down Monterey. Finally pass him. He stops to let me by. I turn around to get a good look. I go on to C.B. at G.P. Then BART from G.P to Balboa. Follow cute Asian guy into liquor store on Ocean. Then home.

July 30 dream:  I told my parents who were talking quietly in the same room: “I’m going to go to bed now. You can continue talking if you like.”

July 30 dream:  Trip in dream.

July 30 dream:  Me typing something with only 5 or 6 working keys. Painter painting moving picture.

July 30 dream:  Looking for phone nos. of woman who does T-shirts in upper Castro. 624-624?

July 29, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Woman with big breasts on Ocean Avenue. Singing on my ascent to Mt.D. again. Not on descent. Pat at CVS. Nice talk with him about two books he’s reading: Your Perfect Right and A Guide to Emotional Living. Then Kaleb at Starbucks (*I complimented his tattoos on July 16.) He talked about being employee of the month. Take shoes to be repaired. Guy’s name is Johnnie, he says, as in “Johnny B. Goode.” Watch YouTube movie where Charles Dickens was portrayed. I got very excited.

July 29 dream:  We congratulate ourselves on figuring everything out, but there’s still some people right next door who know where we are and are out to get us.

July 29 dream:  Meet at big long table to propose our idea to bank as we had to the BofA before. They were not able to help us, but they were very nice.

July 29 dream:  My roommate moved out. My small apartment is repainted. Looks pretty good. Building is still a cockroach building. Am sent to jail on 8/22.

July 28, 2020:  Call Heather in a.m. Write BB blog on “What is the opportunity for Prosperos in this time of crisis?” In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth. Guy with nice legs (read:  ass) on Casitas. Guy singing as I ascend Mt.D. but not as I descend. Pat at CVS too busy to talk with me. He gave guy before me lots of money and a receipt. Two cute cashiers at M.S. who ignore my interest in them. Bought dark chocolate bar. #43 home. Insight: Bought chocolate bar to improve me mood? Just like my parents did when I was a kid?

July 28 dream:  Calvin’s cat trying to dominate my attention.

July 28 dream:  Driving up towards Washington state with other guy. He wakes me up at 2:30 a.m. and tells me it’s my turn. We’re in a big trailer van. But we don’t know each other.

July 28 dream:  Take off on a three day trip. See Hanz’s roommate from my window. He has on all-white outfit with low-rise back, complimenting all the wonderful parts of his body. He smiles at me. Then on to Denver. Realize I forgot to put clothes in my suitcase, I confess to friendly woman co-passenger.

July 27, 2020:  Go to VA. They said my appointment had been cancelled. Go home. Hang-up call in a.m. Another call in p.m. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Young guy putting on his mask outside Aptos Park smiles at me. Walk to W.P. Hawk over alley way. Cute Asian guy at Peets goes to back room. Out comes tall, dark, handsome guy from July 25, I think. He’s wearing a red bandana mask. I say: “I like your mask.” He says: “Thanks.” I say: “Where did you get it?” He says: “It’s just a bandana.” I say: “Yeah, I think when I run out of these [my current masks], I’ll start wearing one of those. They’re stylish and looks like you’re robbing the place.” He says: “Yeah. Both.” I laugh. (*Relates to my slip and fall from hier on Mt.D., I think.) Go to Ezzy-Freezy across the street. Grocery clerk there gives me double look. Also cute blond, curly-haired clark helps me look for macaroni salad. Walk up Ulloa to Laguna Honda. #43 home.

July 27 dream:  Walking home through basement of building. Run into Michael K. and Hanz. They’re not very friendly. See woman walking around in a cage. I’m reading about King Arthur.

July 27 dream:  Dinner prepared at house by the animals.

July 27 dream:  Take pee at resto. I had written a few good articles about androgyny for some local papers. Heather there. Barbara Hager. Others.

July 27 dream:  Moved into 19th floor of tall office building. Electricity goes off. My boss and his gay sun and boyfriend had arrived. There was a fancy party next door. Suddenly I saw all sort of really well-dressed people rushing for the elevator.

July 26, 2020:  Wake up early. Do online work. Take nap. (*See nap dream.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. via Ocean and Portola. Cute cashier at 7-11. Slip and fall on Mt.D. Cute guy hiking up Mt.D. smiles at me. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Erroneous identity promotes separations and limitations. My conclusion: True Consciousness is the only identity of who or what is, the only conception/perception of who or what is, therefore all that can be promoted is boundless indivisible Being. Originally Melissa wanted us to Translate something about “cancel culture.” Later realized the reason I got so upset was because “cancel culture” is a ruse from what we should have been Translating: Trump’s invasion of American cities.

July 26 nap dream:  I wanted to show Thane something that needed to be corrected. He says he’s already taken care of it.

July 26 dream:  3 or so different women coming in for interview for our pope. One came in and turned into a volleyball.

July 26 dream:  Visit ashram. Calvin there. Leigh there. Wait in line to give back book. Someone tells Calvin he should check out a gym.

July 26 dream:  Miss buses 74, 43 and 11. Had never heard of the 74 bus before. (*Relates to finding out the VA had cancelled my appointment this a.m. without telling me?)

July 25, 2020:  Wake up early. Do online work. Take nap. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. via W.P. See “Best is Yet To Come” on Ocean Avenue. My right heel falls off at Peets W.P. Tall dark handsome barristo there. Walk to Mt.D. and on to Safeway. Beautiful bag boy there named Israel. #43 home.

July 25 dream:  Listening to beautiful music alone in my apt., adjusting the volume from time to time. Then walking home thru the woods. Hear children’s voices and think I should rush home. Try to rush, but can’t or won’t.

July 25 dream:  Jane Fonda and Robert Redford in movie. I’m their son. Set is backyard of house with bathtub shaped pool and little house in back. I joke that we could put a homeless person there. Other son drives truck down ramp just wide enough. Other couple there, too, kind of in love.

July 24, 2020:  Cancel my monthly $50 contribution to Shahid’s campaign. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. and turn around immediately. Run into same family on the way down and on the same black as on the way up, indicating to me that a cycle has been complete. Then notice beautiful man on Bella Vista. He notices me noticing him and smiles. Monterey liquor store. #43 home. Cold, windy day. 5:30 p.m. Zoom meeting with about 15 Prosperos. Saw Tom C. for first time in 20 or 30 years. There was definitely a catch in my throat when I recognized him.

July 24 dream:  Friend tells me I should take an aspirin and listen to the ocean when I go under water again.

July 24 dream:  77 something.

July 23, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Latino gardener on back of truck on Lansdale. See mouse scurrying down his hole on exiting Mt.D. CVS. Starbucks. Follow cute guy with nice ass and CU (University of Colorado) sweatshirt. I talk with him briefly outside Tower Burgers. He kind of backs away, so I do too. Down Teresita, call Mary L. re Shahid Buttar. Anonymous call about 5 p.m. Talk more with Mary L. Later, fantasizing about moving into Mary’s vacant 2-bedroom apartment with J. Then realize I really didn’t want to move in with J. Then realize I don’t have to move in with J. Just like I don’t have “move in” with my Dad. It was a liberating moment.

July 23 dream:  Guy comes in. Wants to sleep in our room. There is one bunk still available and he’s cute so…

July 23 dream:  Paul Fortis (or Joanne) says there’s some tainted meat. Wants to know if I want it?

July 23 dream:  Job interview at end of dream. I start talking to interviewer about healing being a melding of mind and body.

July 23 dream:  Dream I am in French class.

July 22, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Thinking about J. Then beautiful, long-haired Asian guy sitting alone in lobby snaps me out of my trance. I ask him (jokingly) why he isn’t wearing a mask. We talk briefly. Walk to Mt.D. Go to M.S. Cashier is a kind Asian man. I am upset by co-worker who comes up and interrupts my time with him. On Teresita flag says: “You’ll Never Walk Alone.” My friend Sky drives up and asks me if I want to practice speaking French with her. Find out Shahid Buttar accused of sexual abuse of co-worker in p.m. Insight: Contract with my father (He “keeps a roof over my head.” I pretend to be “good boy.”) Since he is no longer “keeping a roof over my head,” I no longer have to be a “good boy.”

July 22 dream:  Having big pot luck dinner with the 3 Smith sisters families. Leigh there. Joanne. (h.o.)

July 22 dream:  Studying at elite school. Reading book on city planning, I think. Teacher said it was not an approved book. She recommended one on Trump. I tried to find out the title.

July 22 dream:  Guy on my balcony looking in. Scares me. I try to get out of bed. Wake up.

July 21, 2020:  Wake up early. Do my online work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. My friend without his apron at CVS. Found out his name is Pat. We have fun talk. Other boychick in background. Starbucks. Teresita home. Gang of 4 or 5 teen boys. One quite gorgeous. Lose my mask for 2nd day in a row.

July 21 nap dream:  Go back to place where I used to live. Lots of cockroaches. Woman says we should catch up. I say: “What’s happening in your household?” She says she’s bought a 2-unit property in Mexico.

July 21 dream:  Ask speaker about other candidates for president. He doesn’t really come up with any I like. (Presidents, in this case, I think refers to boyfriends.)

July 21 dream:  Something about not having contributed to the school lately.

July 21 dream:  I’m working for real estate company. Trying to find #55. Very cute guy says it’s near Lockstep.

July 21 dream:  Guy seeming to be stepping out of the ocean saying, “Turnkey.”  (*Relates to YouTube video I view on July 23: “Bret Weinstein and Matt Taibbi: Corruption and its Consequences”)

July 20, 2020:  Sarah F. calls. In ’til 3:30. Walk to Mt.D. Lose mask on the way so come back early. Michael Brooks (YouTube star) dies unexpectedly. Heather W. says she never got my email which I sent on June 11 volunteering to give Translation workshop. After comic call from anonymous caller, I come to the conclusion that she’s lying.

July 20 dream:  Not convinced the murderer is who everybody says he is. (h.o.) (*Relates to Heather lying to me? See diary of July 20.)

July 20 dream:  Trying to deposit $10,000 worth of wet deposit slips. It doesn’t work. Later with about six bags of luggage, the bank manager and I and fat school kid and his mom all go out for Chinese.

July 19, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. CVS. Teresita home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Entrenched possessive viewpoints can stifle creativity and waste valuable intellectual property. My conclusion: Truth is the sole proprietor and the sole property, all one standpoint, always all ways, of unrestrained originality, of inestimable value, all knowledge, exclusive of waste.

July 19 dream:  Thinking of asking out Leigh. Then thinking again.

July 19 dream:  Two Asian brothers who look alike at cafe.

July 18, 2020:  Slept ’til 11ish. In ’til 3ish. Nasty black street guy at Ocean Avenue crosswalk. He begins yelling at me since we were both waiting to cross the street. (*Relates to email from Calvin H. indirectly accusing me of being a racist for posting an anti-racist video on the BB, I think.) Walk to Mt.D. Turn around and go to Safeway. Guy with two dogs from June 26 and other dates. He smiles at me when I start talking to his dog. Stop by Jun’s. Get haircut and buy more masks. He thinks I should be “dating.” Safeway. Home. Kerfuffle over Sunday Meeting link kind of lasted all day.

July 18 dream:  Working on the anti-Trump campaign with Rick Thomas. (Big h.o.)  (*Relates to telling Rick I will be joining his discussion group on Friday?)

July 18 dream:  About to make presentation about how much this work has meant to us. Two of my key players are forgetting the most significant part of their testimonials.

July 18 dream:  Older woman trying to seduce me.

July 17, 2020:  Up early. After online work, take one hour nap. In ’til 3ish. Wanted to walk to Mt.D. via W.P. Reason: guy in mask smiling at me in front of W.P. bookstore. Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Hawk on Ulloa. Then Mt.D. Then home.

July 17 nap dream:  John and I touching our backsides behind bathroom mirror.

July 17 dream:  Four cute, naked guys all seemed to be paired up. I told my friend I’d see him later. On top floor of building. Near where they showed movies sometimes.

July 17 dream:  Involved (more as an observer) in demonstrations against the police for 2nd day. One of the women brought a watermelon. Somebody is calling for a “Med.”

July 17 dream:  Waiting tables on a pier in a family-owned resto.

July 16, 2020:  In ’til 11 a.m. #49 to 16th & Mission. As I get off bus, I give black guy a dirty look. I go back to atone and he smiles at me with his eyes. #22 to dental appointment. I am over an hour early. So I walk to the Castro and back. I realize that dream about me walking away from Jimmy (3rd dream of July 15) may have been my unconscious mind’s way of telling me that I’m finally walking away from John. Have nice chat with dental hygienist. Walk up Market to Starbucks Portola. Compliment baristo on his tattoos. Walk to Mt.D. and home. Then W.F. cashier named Sanders. Insight: My relationship with Jimmy S. back in 1970 was a lie. My relationship with my father and my step-family from 1956 on was a lie. My 33 year “relationship” with John H. was a lie. Realizing this has been a real kick in the balls. (*See diary of June 10, 2020.) But that’s why I made the psychic contract with John that I did back in January of 1987. And I think that contract has been fulfilled. Even my father tried to tell me back in the ’80s at my step-sister’s home in Palm Desert when he said, “Do you think this [referring to the step-family] is a big lie?” (See diary of April 20, 2020.)

July 16 dream:  Go to spot. Then return. The water is rushing. Then it slows down. (h.o.)

July 16 dream:  Begin new job on 10th floor. Work trickles in. I had been working on 11th, 12th and 13th floor.

July 15, 2020:  Single ring call at 11:15 a.m. and another at 11:25 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. White guy on Plymouth smiles at me with his eyes. On to Mt.D. My CVS friend (who looks good without his apron on). Starbucks. Walk down Teresita. Three police cars. Stop by Beep’s. Adoré there. He tells me he’s moving back to Ingleside from Stockton and that his girlfriend fucked his best friend. I think he told me more than he intended. (*Relates to hawk flying into tree hier?)

July 15 dream:  In room with cellphone which doesn’t turn on and is too long. (h.o.)

July 15 dream:  Go to Easter Sunday services. Look for flower to buy. I am all forgiveness and light.

July 15 dream:  Thane at a Sunday Meeting talking about me walking away from Jimmy [Savant]. I’m in the kitchen cleaning up. (*Relates to me walking away from John?)

July 15 dream:  Fly over to library to get the book Network so I can finish what I’m writing. Very tall librarian there. I ask if they can help me even though I’m not homeless.

July 15 dream:  Go to place to get ready for six times. Then woman tells me I shouldn’t be there. Carol Carter asks about not answering their phone on weekends.

July 14, 2020:  Wake up early. Finish online work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Shits before I head out. Hear hawk on Yerba Buena Avenue. Then see hawk and two crows on Casitas. Hawk appears to run into tree. Crows sit on tree branch. Continue to hear hawk after passing him. Mario at CVS. He helped elderly Asian lady in wheelchair. So did I. Starbucks. Walk down Teresita. Run into same construction worker who tok his pants off on July 9. We exchanged looks. Walk to Gennessee and Monterey. #43 home. Call from Dean Preston’s housing campaign. I pledge $30. I’m a new grand uncle. My nephew had a new girl named Tomi Jordyn (after my brother Tom and his son Jordan).

July 14 dream:  Going around the room full of storage and people preparing for a party of sorts. I’m running around dusting the couch, etc. Someone asks me: “Who has been doused?” They say: “Ask Mary who has been doused?” I ask Mary. She says: “You have been doused.” I continue running around the room, now very emotional.

July 14 dream:  Some of us, including Melissa D., did a simulation of a take-off thru space, though we thought it was real at the time. Perhaps a real one to follow?

July 14 dream:  Take commuter train in wrong direction. End up in part of town I haven’t been to in quite a while. It seemed very exciting. I saw view of city I wanted to take a photo of, but it quickly disappeared. Caught up with my friends, two of whom were running for office.

July 14 dream:  Al H. pleased with how he handled a situation. Tom C. around.

July 13, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then M.S. Pretty girl in the vegetable aisle relates to peripheral hawk from hier, I think. Walk home via Teresita.

July 13 dream:  3-part walk-thru ending up at Oakland parking lot with newly approved dining area.

July 13 dream:  Telling someone about the time I met Hemingway and not telling it very well.

July 13 dream:  At work at same office as my mother. I give her some work since I se her inbox is empty. She is offended. I say: “Okay, I’ll never give you any work again.” Page had 88888 on it.

July 12, 2020:  Wake up early. Get all my online work done. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Take “shits” just before leaving. Walk to Mt.D. Follow cute runner down a different path than usual. Leads me to hawk in my peripheral view. At CVS, have loving moment with my friend from June 30 and July 4 as I enter. Cute cop comes into Starbucks. His pants easily riding up his ass. Young boy yelling out to older guy on Teresita: “Oh, Billy, you’re so mean.” Sweet waving skateboarder at S.P. May have seen Apt. 429 couple walking towards Unity Plaza. Guy is goofy.

July 12 nap dream:  Drove to part of town I’d never been to before.  Maybe a black area.  Drove carefully thru indoor plaza.  Woman singing(?)  Herb Caen offers drinks.

July 12 dream:  Go to nude mixed bar. We’re still clothed and it’s all guys but the room is moving around like a merry-go-round.

July 12 dream:  Everyone’s in the rec room with their swim suits on. Girl asks me to drag her in on the floor as a sort of entrance. When we finish, people applaud. Jon Stewart there. People accuse him of being part of this only to show off his whiteness.

July 12 dream:  Have not been showing up for work lately. And haven’t gone in to tell them why.

July 11, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up to Mt.D. and back to Safeway. Hear hawk several times on Los Palmos. #43 home. Feel really sad about decision to move. Realize dream about crossing over bridge on July 4 may relate to my hyper-worrying about moving to Guerneville. Later tell my worrying self to shut the fuck up. Then realize that’s exactly what I’m saying to the folks on top of me in Apt. 429.

July 11 dream:  Me and Alan Deakins rushing thru the Castro looking for somebody Stop in to bar/resto to take a pee. Suzanne D. also there.

July 10, 2020:  Insight: My compulsion about my looks is part of my complicity with my father? In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. See “Truly, Truly, Truly” candy bar wrappers at Mt.D. CVS guy (who looks hot without his apron on) and I had nice conversation about conservative vs. liberal newspapers. Starbucks. Walk down Teresita. Cute gardener in garage. Group of construction guys across the street. (Guy who took off his pants hier might be one of them.) Guy on motor scooter riding by blasting out “Everything’s Gonna Be Alright.” Home. Neighbor in upstairs apartment shaking the building. I go up. Finally cute, quiet Asian guy comes to door. Denies everything. Later I think I’m in love again.

July 10 dream:  Visit Guerneville summer home. Dance in living room with Laurie. Lot of really nice silverware needs washing. I think: “It’s not really my dream. I don’t care at all about this house.”

July 10 dream:  Splitting the Guerneville people up into separate cars, 4 or so each.

July 10 dream:  Trying to find somebody without knowing their address. UPS truck, two dogs. Sewing machine. Orderly gets sleeves stripped off him.

July 9, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Walking up Lansdale, man slips on his driveway. I say: “Accidents happen.” On to Mt.D. Then CVS. Then Starbucks. Down Teresita. Cross street to be near cute guy. Then his friend appears and takes off his pants sitting on the rear gate of his car. He has on silk underpants. He looks at me. I raise my eyebrows and sip on my matcha frappuccino. Continue home kind of turned on and happy. In p.m., see high bridge in movie (*Relates to my dream of July 4?)

July 9 dream:  Pot luck with the family is coming to an end. One of my uncles is taking off. He’s gong to a Neptunian city, I point out. I think ’cause he’s very Neptunian. In the hallway some people gather to see “how much it’s grown.” Don’t know what that refers to. Maybe contributions toward something.

July 9 dream:  Preparing papers, etc., to buy a car. I tell my uncle: “I’ve never done this before.”

July 9 dream:  Dog with missing rear left paw.

July 9 dream:  Woman landlord flirts with me. Something about 20 hours. After 8 p.m., she’ll leave me alone.

July 9 dream:  Seeing a ghost of something. Feeling presence of my father.

July 8, 2020:  Anonymous call just before noon. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Scooter on Ocean Avenue sidewalk runs into me and vice versa. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Then on to CVS. Cashier there without his apron looked a lot hotter than I’d ever noticed before. Buy Almond Joy candy bar. Walk down Teresita. Police car stops on the way, checking me out. I stop as well until they move on. Pelvic pain from the chocolate bar.

July 8 dream:  Change houses for an overnight meeting. I’m due to sleep in the living room now. Someone else in charge of keeping the temperature at 75 degrees instead of me.

July 8 dream:  Rick Thomas is showing me where the lottery money is. Some $15,394 or so.

July 8 dream:  “What makes Mitch McConnell happy at 7? A man at 5.”

July 7, 2020:  Call at about 9 a.m. Woke me up. I forgot to unplug my phone. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Hear child singing “Jingle Bells.” Two-ring call shortly after I reached peak of Mt.D. at about 3:45 p.m. See “Congratulations Presidio Middle School Graduate 2020” in window of my Asian friend on Rockdale Drive. Congratulate graduate washing her car on Teresita. Talk with right-wing but nice vet on Teresita. Insight: Me being complicit with my father. Admitting my complicity, I am now in a position to extricate myself from my complicity. After insight, my heart racing all evening and all night.

July 7 dream:  President Hall arrived at banquet. I accompany her to her table. Other security guard is even more intimate with her.

July 7 dream:  Going to gay bar. Come out. Meet with two friends who like me along with others from where we live. See very interesting (i.e., hot) guy walk by.

July 7 dream:  Meeting with some guys over a meal. Will meet again on Friday via phone.

July 6, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Feel “shits” coming on. Rush home and shit. Walk again up to Mt.D. Forgot my mask so came directly home. See “essential.” Also “frontier.” Feel strong sense of love for Jun after hearing anti-hate ad about Asians on TYT.

July 6 dream:  In my usual place of an apartment with many floors. Lots of young male staff. Me and a friend sneak in one night. I throw ice cream in face of one of our pursuers. It’s some kind of cult or military outfit. Everyone is very well-trained though they are surprised and outwitted by us. In the end we are still inside but they are running around like Keystone Cops.

July 6 dream:  Last day of volunteering. I drop my tomato juice when my partner stops to talk with somebody. Walk to corner on Castro. Our neighbor vendor just spray-painted her stand so doesn’t want us to lean up against it. I’m in a bad mood ’til I remember it’s our last day volunteering.

July 5, 2020:  In ’til 39sh. Walk to Mt.D. run into my lost Asian friend from July 2 on Rockdale Drive. He was in the driveway with his father, I think. On to CVS. Then Teresita to Safeway. Then #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: The pandemic causes disruption to our routines and options.
 My conclusion: Consciousness/Truth is sufficient unto Itself, one cause being manifested in infinite variety of personhood; the only consequence, the only outcome, the only upshot, the only outturn, the only effect, the only reaction, the only repercussion, the only reverberation, the only ramification, the only end, the only conclusion, the only termination, the only culmination, the only corollary, the only concomitant, the only aftermath, the only product, the only byproduct, the only solution, the only sequelae, the only payoff, the only issue, the only yield, the only success; all ways, always, all roads, all routes, all routines; with absolutely no disruption and with infinite certitude.

July 5 dream:  Boat captain couples(?) with each other. At end we are all asked to get off the boat and line up on the water to see if we have cancer.

July 5 dream:  Off to give talk at the Castro Theatre. Before: Found out co-workers politics and it affected our relationship. Beautiful tall, dark naked man in the dressing room.

July 4, 2020:  Sarah F. calls midday. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. My friend from June 30 is there. He says he likes my T-shirt. I think he is commenting on whatever political slogan is printed, but later realize he was coming on to me. Anyhow, we started talking about politics. He tells me that he’s only 19 but that the last election day in 2016 he and a friend were trying to figure out which one would be worse. I joked: “Now you know.” (*Relates to young hawk on Teresita Boulevard from hier, I think.) Walked Teresita home. Insight: Looking up the word endocrine which creates hormones and realizing that my father wouldn’t like that.

July 4 dream:  In town for two weeks. Big conference after week 1. Then we can enjoy the city.

July 4 dream:  Returning from trip to Seattle. My friend (Chris Christie) is driving an empty bus. I’m sitting in the middle. He drives up extremely high single lane ramp over bay. I’m scared so I go to sleep. Later see whales swimming by. Then turtle. Then we are in town. Lots of activity. And now the bus is full. I am reading book about nuclear winter. My friend says he has an earlier copy if I want.

July 3, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Firemen on Lee Avenue. On to Mt.D. On way down, hear two young boys talking to each other. One says: “That would be a good thing to meditate on.” See “Giant” on parked car. At M.S. woman gets in line ahead of me. But this allows me to see my friend of June 16 and June 26 just as I’m leaving. See guy walking his dog on Teresita. I struggle to see his face as there is a light pole in the way. (*See dream of June 29.) Once I see his face, he looks and smiles a lot like J. I think of following him, but police car drives by. A little later youngish hawk flying by on Teresita. Fire trucks on way home. (Sweets:  Eat almost a whole pint of coffee ice cream.) Work on MSM in p.m.

July 3 dream:  Someone wanted me to create story that she says will be a best-seller.

July 3 dream:  Gang of black youth calls me over. I ignore them. Black guy from SNL asks me for money again. I’ve already given him $3 or so.

July 3 dream:  Climb thru window feet first over ledge with help of black friend.

July 3 dream:  Take bridge across bay from Oakland to S.F. Then remember there’s a new bridge over the bay which would be fun to cross.

July 2, 2020:  Anonymous call at 2:40 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Pass handsome masked guy on way down. Then follow young Asian guy dressed in black. He seems lost. Walk home. Then turn around and try to run into Asian guy again. I do. He still seems  lost. I continue on to CVS. Then down Teresita. Decide to look again for Asian guy. Walk up Mt.D again. On way down run into handsome masked guy again. He is reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. We talk about ½ hour. He works for company which is looking for anti-Covid medication. His name is Max. He’s from Phoenix. He had never heard of Christian Science. At end of our conversation he took his mask down. We saluted each other on leaving. Wondered how all this related to mad dog from hier. Then got angry call from somebody who called me John and wanted to survey me about my timeshare. I got my answer. Somebody was pissed off that I made a new friend (Max). (*Relates to mad dog from hier, I think.)

July 2 dream:  Am working at police dept. Need to change one letter in ink. I change whole row. Boss doesn’t seem to mind.

July 2 dream:  All I need to do is lay low.

July 1, 2020:  Bills and BB in a.m. Cancel Chicago virtual tour. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Mad dog chases after me. Guy at CVS today I thought was the same as hier, but he wasn’t. Also, very hot young couple, especially the guy. Was glad when they left the store. Nice guy at Starbucks. Walk down Teresita. Cute guy in shorts walking by with 4 or 5 young boys around him. He says, “Hi.” I say, “Hi.” (*Relates to hawk from hier on Mt.D.?) Anonymous call at 5:25 p.m.. Berniecrats meeting in p.m. Bevan Dufty there. I ask him a question via chat. He responds, then says: “Nice to see your name again.” I blush. Also ask school board candidate about lifelong learning. She’s a big fan, she says. Ask John Avalos about public banking for S.F. In p.m. realize my pelvic pain relates to my father,  and me always taking the blame for everything.

July 1 dream:  Murder investigation on a train.

July 1 dream:  Trying to adjust a map online via touch, and failing.

July 1 dream:  Biden in the middle of a talk at the podium. He follows a woman to the side of the room and kisses her, saying: “Oh, I love you so much.” She is freaked. Suzanne D. stops by.

July 1 dream:  Miss a whole day of work. When I go, the place is packed with people doing something else. Carol Carter there. Later some large older women in old fashioned dresses sitting on the lawn.

July 1 dream:  Listening to fundamentalist Christian woman on TV. Wondering what made her tick. Then other people started wandering in and talking about things. I was surprised since things like this usually didn’t happen to me.

June 30, 2020:  Anonymous phone call at 7:05 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Shits before I go. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk as I exit park. Then CVS. (*Hawk at S.P. hier relates to cashier at CVS?) Down Teresita to Safeway. Drop energy drink and it breaks while I’m trying to put on my mask. Look into condo in Chicago in p.m.

June 30 dream:  My boss is running out of money.

June 29, 2020:  (Sweets: one pancake with jelly.) In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Have to shit. Run home. Have shits. Walk again to Mt.D. Then CVS. Then down Teresita home. Hawk at S.P.

June 29 dream:  Two young guys in flashback from movie try to kidnap Bill Fortis, my cousin. He ties up his sewing machine and says: “There’s more chance of you taking this than taking me on beachfront home.” At first he tried to hide behind bannister. “Yes,” he says. “$4 to $19.”

June 28, 2020:  Happy Pride! (Sweets: two small slices of berry pie.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. then CVS. Then down Teresita and Bella Vista home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Individual rights to earn a living can conflict with individual responsibility to maintain their health. My conclusion: Consciousness, the only Individual, is entitled to all that is, can lay claim to all that is; can rest secure in its infinite livelihood and boundless health, which are its indisputable due. Heard on “Jung to Live By” YT about a man who had his wife’s heart attack.

June 28 dream:  Using someone’s bed(?)

June 28 dream:  My bank runs out of deposit slips. Manager wants to take me in room and explain what to do. Other customer comes in and they talk. It’s about 10 a.m. I have to get to other bank by 1:05 p.m. before they close. I’m getting anxious.

June 28 dream:  Still trying to get the money in the right bank account. Find two dollar bills in the trash.

June 27, 2020:  (Sweets: 3 small slices of berry pie in a.m.) In ’til 3ish. Beautiful Asian runner on Ocean Avenue. He smiled as I couldn’t take my eyes off his crotch. Runner on Colon Avenue smiled as he left his house. I saw him later on Cresta Vista Drive. Go to Mt.D. Then down Ulloa towards W.P. Hawk soars high above to my right. Beautiful black-haired baristo at Peets W.P. He resisted my entreaties. See book called San Francisco Earthquake. Then walked down San Andreas Way.

June 27 dream:  Returning back to the city by commuter bus. My brother Tom had comped me a ticket since he works for Greyhound. When my turn in line comes, driver said: “Let’s sit down [and figure this out].”

June 26, 2020:  Shits at 3 p.m. Walk to Mt.D. Run in to beautiful guy walking with two dogs. I’ve passed him maybe 4 or 5 times before. He has greeted me in the past but not today. On to Mt.D. Then M.S. Cute checker who fled from me on June 16 stuck around this time and even wished me a nice day. EMT guy on Lee Avenue. I get mad ’cause he seemed to be posing for female co-worker. Later realized he was posing for me. Reminded me of the time I saw J. entering Eric’s apt. in the late ’80s. I thought: “He seems so happy. He must really like Eric.” Later I realized he was happy to see me. (Sweet diary: two small slices of berry pie.)

June 26 dream:  Rude female reporter from The Oracle comes to interview me. There are cockroaches on the ceiling. I say: “Who’s is that?” She says: “What school did you go to?” I say: “Saratoga High School.”

June 25, 2020:  Fire alarms all morning. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Cute Asian homeowner on Plymouth. On to Mt.D. Then down Teresita to Safeway. #43 home. (Sweets: Touch of ice cream. Small slice of berry pie.) In p.m., remembering fellow sailor I went to Grande island with back in ’66.

June 25 dream:  A crime has been committed. Everyone, everything being isolated for examination and classification. Me, too. (h.o.)

June 25 dream:  I’m alone in the house. I put a mannequin in the window so people would think I wasn’t alone. Harriet and Nancy return home. Nancy had bought me some soft gay porn, an astrological calendar and other magazines.

June 24, 2020:  My primary, Wilson Fong, called at 10 a.m. Since I had spent yesterday afternoon railing at him in my mind, it went okay. Video about the late Rebecca Floyd made me sad. Humming bird flies to my balcony window. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Stray dog on Ridgewood. At first meek. Then started barking at me. On to Mt.D. Then M.S. Had coffee/chocolate bar. Walk home. Beep’s. Adoré there. He’s not thrilled to see me. Just happy. Had root beer float. Insight: Brother Tom also had compulsion to constantly look at real estate options. Also: Feeling safer now that I’m turning off my phones at night.

June 24 dream:  Put on somebody else’s underwear ’cause I couldn’t find my own and didn’t want to start a new pair. Hoped nobody would catch me.

June 24 dream:  Big, long, hard-on while peeing in public restroom. Strange man waits a little too close. There is shit in the bowl. I flush it. As I try to wash my hands, guy tries to take shower at work.

June 24 dream:  A friend of mine is cooking something outdoors with a spatula which I had lent him. He walks off for a moment.

June 23, 2020:  Dr. Goodman (the woman who examined my balls on June 12 and the woman who the VA said I could not meet with) calls about 10:30 a.m. I just happened to notice my phone ringing in passing ’cause I had shut down the volume the night before. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then back home. Cute Asian guy as I arrive home. Election results in p.m. Bowman beats corporate Democrat lodged for 30 years in his sinecure.

June 23 dream:  My brother and I getting ready to put back the rug we took out from our grandmother’s basement apt.

June 23 dream:  In group activity, I am paired with guy who also has a fear of being left out. Read off a letter from Mayor London Breed: “She’s in acting trim. She has a whip. And she plans to use it on her foes!” On board a ship, I think. (h.o.)

June 23 dream:  Garden of Eden emerges from the floor. We are trying to figure out if I have caused an electrical short and/or how people behaved then.

June 22, 2020:  VA calls insisting I meet with my primary instead of the doctor who examined my balls. I’m very mad. My primary is a condescending idiot. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Dead rat in front of CVS. Stop by M.S. Guy with Colorado T-shirt after. As I’m on Gennessee walking home, car stops by and offers me a ride. Turns out it’s Jun and his wife. They drive me to W.F. There’s no line so I go in. Cute guy with salmon colored shorts. My stomach goes flip-flop. He gets in line behind me at check out stand.

June 22 dream:  Trying to attract shark into human circle. Shark trying to rip off swim suits and more. Only the shark was on the shore.

June 22 dream:  Run into guy who tries to weasel his way into my life. Then run into my father. He’s acting weird, too. Then Harriet arrives looking pouty. I leave them to it.

June 22 dream:  Last minute letters need to be sent out at end of work day.

June 21, 2020:  Decide not to pursue Chester, CA, home. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Return. Beautiful Filipino man at Myra Way. Cute, friendly cashier at Monterey Street liquor store. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Persons attract to themselves exactly the right challenges that are needed, but may be hard to recover from. My conclusion: Truth/Consciousness is the infinite expression of One Individuation; needing only Itself; drawing near only to Itself.

June 21 dream:  My boss is mad at me. Wants me to be sitting on the floor tomorrow a.m. when work starts.

June 20, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Overcast day like hier. Turn around on top and head to Safeway. Then home. Very excited about $189,000 home in Chester, CA. Spent all afternoon and evening fantasizing about moving there. Lots of trouble getting to sleep. Next a.m. I Translate “home” which leads to “safety” which leads to “psychotic” or lack of empathy. My conclusion: Truth is all-knowing AND all-feeling. Guy on YouTube saying there is a connection between the words “twin” and “testicle.”

June 19, 2020:  9 a.m. anonymous call. Called Lake Almanor realtor to see Rim Drive house. In ’til 3ish. Start to walk towards Mt.D. Then turn around. Go to Korean take-out place. Feel really nervous about going to see house. Then realtor calls saying they already have two offers. Feel really sad about it. Though when I asked why such a beautiful house was only $249,000, he said that you need a snowmobile to get to it during most winter months. Firecrackers again in p.m. Guys from Apt. 310 leaning against railing, enjoying it.

June 19 dream:  Leaving Aunt Joanne after straightening out some clothes. Drive back with Joanne in the car.

June 18, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Lots of scam calls. Walk to Mt.D. Cute cashier at CVS. Teresita home. Email realtors in Guerneville and Lake Almanor. Break glass in p.m.

June 18 dream:  Heard evil kid laugh. I flinch.

June 18 dream:  German archetypes effect on English archetype. (h.o.)

June 18 dream:  I have $2,000 inheritance. Having trouble getting my paperwork accepted. Guy comes in and interrupts me.

June 17, 2020:  #29 to VA for ultrasound on my balls. Two guys who say they’ve been together 43 years precede me. Diagnosis: hydrocele, fluid on the balls. Have to wait ’til next week for treatments, if any. (BTW, big balls sometimes found on newborn babies.) Two black VA workers talking about Tulsa. Also, Cornel West’s response to George Floyd funeral. Walk home via G.G. Park. Women says: “Jesus is coming in 2021.” Cute guy waiting in line at Little Sweet on 9th Avenue. Beautiful man at W.F.

June 17 dream:  I’m on the outs with my family. Guy (we know) comes to our door trying to sell us dinner rolls. Woman not interested. I already eat something much better and healthier.

June 17 dream:  About to do musical. Go back to Ben’s apt. to get copy of my part to make sure I know what to sing.

June 16, 2020:  Hear: “Your life will never be the same again.” In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Tightness of the heart at top. Then CVS. Then M.S. Get in express line. Then change to line with beautiful guy I wanted to get closer to. As soon as I finished waiting, he had switched with another guy. (*Relates to hawk and two crows from hier?) Walk down Teresita. Lots of goats at Stanford Heights Reservoir. Guy setting off fire crackers in our courtyard and for 2nd day in a row.

June 16 dream:  In a couples therapy workshop. One couple breaks up. Guy was insistent. Finally he walked out. I sat with cigar smoking woman. She said: “What do you think of people who smoke cigars?” I say: “When men do it, it’s pretentious. When women do it, it’s double pretentious.”

June 16 dream:  Go to J’s store in the Castro to return some videos. Then forgot to return them. So I go a 2nd time. J. hides from me. Walk home feeling bad. Meet guy named “Brush.” We walk together a while. It had been raining. He breaks into empty store front and decides to wait there. Two others have joined us and they wait there as well. I decide to continue home The two guys embrace me as I leave.

June 16 dream:  Wearing bright blue satin jacket trying to leave work.

June 15, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk and two crows over CCSF parking lot. Strange black guy following me a few blocks. Feel kind of “shitty” so turn around immediately as I reach top of Mt.D. Lots of scam calls throughout the day.

June 15 dream:  Many birds circling CCSF parking lot.

June 15 dream:  Big h.o. dream.

June 15 dream:  Take train into southern California anonymous town. Try to find my way back to station. Guy in his underpants. Me with my shirt off. Harriet is there, too.

June 14, 2020:  Email from Richard B. Felt like I was kicked in the balls. (*Relates to swollen testicle from June 9?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Expecting something dramatic relating to shits of hier, but nothing so far. Go to Mt.D. Then CVS. Then down Teresita to Safeway. Then home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Old perceptions can be difficult to overcome in order to make space for a more evolved view. My conclusion: Truth is fully evolved, never old, of infinite capacity, irresistible, cannot be undone, all-perceiving, inclusive of all points of view. OR: Truth is that all points of view are One.

June 14 dream:  A little Elizabeth is born. Elizabeth asks if I want to hold her. I do. (h.o.)

June 14 dream:  Lots of well-dressed mostly young women ignoring me. One older lady with glasses with jewels in place of lenses.

June 13, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up to Mt.D. Feel “shits” coming on. Run home. Barely make it. Take off again for Mt.D. Couple of gay men on top. One quite attractive. Think: “To not be is not possible.” Safeway. Myka there, but we don’t interact. Walk home.

June 13 dream:  Roz (from “Frazier”) and I talk about upcoming family reunion. She said the word in her family was to be nice to each other. I said it was the same in our family. It might be touch ’cause many are not Prosperos. I’m feeling really handsome talking to Roz. Then other woman I like walks by in a rather dowdy dress. I say: “Is that your fancy dress?”

June 13 dream:  Am prisoner of nice person who I follow. We run into police captains of several local cities all gathered together. There is some question about the result of an election. The police feel it should be accepted as is.

June 13 dream:  Have to pick between two really cute guys to sit next to in class. Finally pick the right one.

June 12, 2020:  #29 to VA. Very hot dermatology doctor. He offered to help me put on my socks after examining me naked. Later woman doctor says: “If you’re planning on becoming sexually active again…” I think: “How did she know?” Is my swollen testicle a “ball dropping” moment? Take #29 home. Go to Beep’s. No Adoré. Theosophy video in p.m. about not trying to outshine others.

June 12 dream:  New class experiment. We all climb up on a book shelf and read obscure works. I flirt with cute guy and offer to share my book with him. Not sure how that results. Casts outside demanding us to clap. Big cat pushed little kitten around. Calvin there.

June 12 dream:  My boss asking for more tea makes me nervous. He says: “Just take the tea from this glass and put it in that one.”

June 12 dream:  Guy does magic trick with me for audience at resto. He eats hot potato and doesn’t get burned like I did. I feel really exhilarated afterwards. Maybe want to get a drink. He and I walk off together. One young woman in the resto audience said she felt really moved. S.F. guy earlier talking about kissing woman. He said: “I don’t mind it. There’s just not as much there [as with a man].”

June 11, 2020:  Call VA about swollen testicle. They don’t seem too concerned. Will go to VA tomorrow. Heather W. called later wanting me to give Translation workshop in August, which I later agreed to do. Take nap for two hours. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. CVS. Follow cute guy into M.S. Walk home.

June 11 nap dream:  I complain about the food at resto, especially the spare ribs. Manager asks: “Is it related to food?” I say: “Barely.”

June 11 dream:  Walk thru usual place I go in dreams, but this time the other way. Remember John H. and his dream boyfriend.

June 11 dream:  Three generals, one late. Big event coming.

June 10, 2020:  Landline call at 8 a.m. No answer. I thought I had turned my phones off. Next time I’ll be more careful. Two other scam calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. CVS. Walk home. Find out I’m pre-approved for a $200,000 VA home loan. Now I just need to find a $200,000 home. Discover swollen right testicle in p.m. Hard nite.

June 9, 2020:  Single ring call in a.m. Suggest platform change to SF Berniecrats: “Self-purification must precede political activism.” Missed call around 2:45 p.m. (*Relates to shits about 2:45 hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then stop at M.S. Then down Teresita home. Still feeling lots of pelvic pain. See “Late July” on box outside W.F. as I arrive home.

June 9 dream:  Joined a band which was an alternative to the most popular rock ‘n roll band. Stars of the band were finally told they have to stop smoking while playing. Woman hugs me and points out the great ones in the band including her and me.

June 9 dream:  Am staying with Thane for a few days. Also staying there is a nasty woman in a wheelchair. Thane sensed her presence before she rang the bell and motioned to me that someone was at the door. I try to help her in the doorway, but she doesn’t want my help, though she needs it.

June 9 dream:  I’m talking with fellow students. Thane jokes with us. I go to get something to eat. It’s around noon, so there’s a line. I’m anxious to get back to the group.

June 9 dream:  The Name. Hearst.

June 8, 2020:  Am crying over “Prayertest” YouTube. Get anonymous call. Later another call. No one answers back. I say: “Chicken.” Shits about 2:45 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Talk to nice skateboarder at Unity Plaza. Then walk to C.B. Owner there. Walk thru G.C.P. Beautiful day. Walk to Portola shopping center. The up to Mt.D. and home. Realize pelvic pain may relate to my guilt over my response to my mother’s death. Like I should be punished for it. In p.m. think of slogan to my body: “Whose body? My body!” Hear “Expect the Unexpected” twice in p.m. See “Catch on.”

June 8 dream:  Staying at work late into the night with many others. I think I’m next n line to get my online info approved and submitted. I am working on a map of San Francisco with other information also plugged in. I wonder if it’s healthy that most of the streets are perpendicular to each other and not many curved roads.

June 7, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk outside. People waving signs for “Black Lives Matter.” Cars honking. Walk to Mt.D. Beautiful dark-haired smiling, cyclist with his friend on top. CVS. Down Teresita. Woman taking off her sweater. I look over. Then she and her friend fallow me. Follow guy to Hearst Street. Then down to Flood. See scary black man at pile of recycling. As I approach, he becomes beautiful white-faced, long-haired Jesus. I tie my shoes across the street. He doesn’t look at me. But I feel his presence. And love him. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Power (of authorities or of victims) can be misused. My conclusion: Truth has the right to give orders, make decisions and enforce obedience because Truth is the law, the correct behavior or procedure and all events are harmless, life-sustaining and just because Truth cannot be wrongly used.

June 7 dream:  Watch YouTube video explaining why I am not religious. (h.o.)

June 7 dream:  Working with Kate Cuff on finding licenses for people. One of the documents changed to another document when I looked back. Then it happened right as I was looking at it. Jimmy Carter walked by and told us to be careful. I joked about working with “THE DEVIL!!!”

June 7 dream:  Put dead turtle in box and threw it away. All the live turtles follow into the bin. I feel guilty they will all be crushed.

June 6, 2020:  Rough night last nite related to anonymous call about 9:30 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Follow cute blond runner. As I pass his home with bright green astroturf, I pull off my mask and say: “Nice lawn.” He smiles. On to Mt.D. Hear owl on way up. There’s a line now for CVS so I skip it. Walk down Teresita to Monterey liquor store and Safeway. See Myka, but he either doesn’t see me or he snubs me.

June 6 dream:  Driving bus, speeding down freeway. Someone said there was a fire on the 2nd level where some children were. I tried to find a place to pull over. Finally stopped at big excavated area. Some guy was being arrested.

June 6 dream:  Running off original and copy of document. Ran out of paper.

June 6 dream:  Cleaning out trash in vacant lot in S.F. J. is nearby. Throw trash away. Get stuck in window sill. Decide to rest there a while. J. still around.

June 6 dream:  Return to horrible factory job at least for a few days. Have to wait in line to put my gear away.

June 6 dream:  I am woman standing outside burnt tower where my little son died(?)

June 5, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. On Lansdale Avenue, as I’m thinking of fucking J., I look to my left to see woman smiling at me. Strange, almost scary man on Mt. D. He kept saying: “I’m sorry. I’m so embarrassed.” Etc. Walk to CVS. Open but still boarded up. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Run into same guy working on his engine on Frida Kahlo Way as hier. Talked with him. Was not at all attracted to him. In p.m. Stefan Fox speaks of the divine child. (*Relates to last dream of June 4, I think.)

June 5 dream:  Second Economic Justice Act passes?

June 5 dream:  There was no cheating with government agency I was involved with. Guy just wanted me to take a piece of food for him. I said: “Get it yourself.”

June 4, 2020:  Wake up at 7:30ish due to call at about 11:30 a.m. which I was not fast enough to answer. I texted in response: “Don’t be a tease.” Took nap later. In ’til 3ish. Walked to Mt.D. Felt “shitty” on top so took short-cut back. Cute cashier at Monterey liquor store. Later guy on Frida Kahlo leaning over his car engine. As I pass he looks up and raises his lower right leg in invitation. I continue home.

June 4 nap dream:  Dog bites onto my crotch in busy shopping center. Owner says: “I’ll be right back.” I finally get rid of dog and look around remodeled shopping center. Stop by orate wooden church.

June 4 dream:  Little child excited to see me.

June 3, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. CVS boarded up. Pass by Creightons and M.S. Go to Beep’s. Adoré there. Good to see him again. He was telling me about all the demonstrations he’s encountered here, in Stockton, and on the freeways between. Other cute guy I noticed as I left. His girlfriend gave me a dirty look. Berniecrats meeting in p.m.

June 3 dream:  I’m about to become an actor. Visit Laurence Olivier in between his appointments. He says he never was that impressed with Lillian Gish.

June 3 dream:  Ride old-fashioned train onto high narrow rail out to sea to board ship as a sailer. Perry Dick there.

June 3 dream:  Having trouble putting money into my bank account.

June 2, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Near top, young h.s. graduate being lei-ed by his family. Walk to Mt.D. Then M.S. worker outside. Very handsome. I cruise him. He washes his hands. I stick around ’til he’s finished. Then walk backwards ’til I’m out of sight. Walk down Teresita to Monterey liquor store. Beautiful guy in line behind me. He has mask on, but we still commune. (*Relates to tripping on Mt.D hier?) 16 or 17 spam calls about various accounts allegedly being suspended. Feeling bad about not going to Creightons anymore. Like I have an obligation to Creightons lady to make her happy. Like I had an obligation to make my mother happy.

June 2 dream:  Tell cute girl eating potatoes that it looks like she’s got a lot to handle. On 2nd glance, it was only one potato. She asked if I wanted any. I said, “No, thanks. I’ve already had enough.”

June 2 dream:  Get lunch for young female worker. My other co-worker says: “You know what to get. Get what you always get: salads, etc.” I have to climb to highest shelf in outdoors. Trump is down below trying to rattle us.

June 2 dream:  I’m living in a cheap hotel with the down ‘n outs and tourists. Guy comes from outside to my window. We talk briefly and he goes back down to car with his friends. I walk back into my room through a lobby of losers and tourists. My door has a full-length window with no shades. Other guy from car sees where I live. Tourists speak to each other as I enter from lobby. The tourists make me feel safer.

June 1, 2020:  Bills, monthly BB in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Thinking that my book will be a success and make me some money. Guy smiles at me. Go to Mt.D. Trip on way down. Then M.S. Then down Teresita. Guy on bike near S.P. relates to hawk from hier, I think. He’s very hot and he sees me recognize his hotness and smiles, allowing himself to be naked with me for a few seconds. Walk home. RHS to my father: “God gave me this life. You didn’t!”

June 1 dream:  Me running for Congress before my father remarried. (h.o.)

June 1 dream:  Guy gets out of murder charge. Some still not convinced. I am still not convinced. (*Relates to me as the murderer of my mother?)

June 1 dream:  In packed theater. Jimmy Stewart there. Other celebrities. Light show on the ceiling forcing people in the front rows to turn around.

May 31, 2020:  Carol Carter memorial in a.m. About 26 attended online. In ’til 3ish. Walked to Mt.D. Then Portola shopping center. Passed on to Teresita and Safeway. Myka there. Old “Just Married” car on Teresita. Hawk at S.F. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Anger and frustration from a history of lost lives and livelihoods cause riotous explosion of energy. My conclusion: Truth is the only cause and only effect of all action, always triumphant, the all knowing, all-finding present which includes the so-called past and the so-called future, infinite of mind and body, automatically inclusive of universal unearned and unearnable income/livelihood.

May 31 dream:  Walking down a busy street , thinking of J. Run into Kathy W. handing out something. She said she’s been trying to get in touch with me. Some big event coming up.

May 30, 2020:  Jerk off (twice!) in a.m.  In ’til about 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Three cars full of 2020 grads honk and wave at me on Frida Kahlo Way. I felt like I was one of them. Walk up to Mt.D. Guys in tent on top, having fun. Walk down to W.P. Stop at Starbucks. Walk home. People in apt. next to me are moving out. Great YT video by Cornel West. I was in tears. (*Relates to last dream of May 24?)

May 30 dream:  Using syllogism to convince person we know that she’s a good person.

May 30 dream:  Architect designs building for FBI in Manhattan. I say: “It’s great. No one will notice it. I will,of course,”

May 30 dream:  My wallet is returned with no money.

May 30 dream:  A bunch of successful, well-known actors on a panel. (*May relate to Carol Carter memorial of May 31?)

May 29, 2020:  In ’til noonish. Go to copy place and send off loan apps. Feel really good about it. Also pick up new shoes from VA at mail center. Then walk to W.P. Hot tea at Peets. Burn my wrist trying to take top off. Walk to Mt.D and down. Shits on getting home. Report scam call from “Apple Support” to FTC. August 19, 2002 (9 a.m.) will be the 18th birthday of my legal name change to Zonta. I’m almost legal!

May 29 dream:  Run out of large (8-1/2 x 11)  envelopes. I’m sending out something to about 25-30 people.

May 29 dream:  Working at one of Trump’s(?) two restos in S.F.

May 28, 2020:  Steve Hines calls around noon. His relationship with his father reminds me of my relationship with my father. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. On to CVS. Get scam call saying my Visa card has been suspended. (Later I report the call to Visa.) Little girl at Creightons. Walk Teresita to Safeway. Then home. Worked on loan application in p.m. Get very excited about it. Have trouble falling asleep.

May 28 dream:  Try to order lunch at popular Italian resto. Can’t find order sheet.

May 28 dream:  Guy gets kicked off team. Boss says he can be reinstated in 6 days if he becomes a Lakers fan.

May 28 dream:  Riding in car with Michael Moore, Bob Labansat and others. Something Michael said about the nature of reality moved me to tears. Then I noticed guy driving had his eyes, nose and mouth in the back of his head. He was looking right at me though we seemed to be riding forward. Later saw a bunch of people sitting on an I-beam. Knew they were people we would be running into in the future.

May 27, 2020:  Fire alarm in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Go to CVS. Creightons. Had hot apple cider. Catch myself pouting ’cause it’s still not something I can drink without side effects. Go to M.S. Checkout girl very smiley with her eyes. (She was wearing a mask.) Then boyo M.S. worker standing outside looking at me all hot and seductive. Walk down Teresita. Very cute little Asian girl outside her house, cutting flowers, smiles at me. Later another cute little girl climbing on statue in S.P. smiles at me. Walk home. Aion YT in p.m. idea: What is the story of my pain?

May 27 dream:  Cleaning out the coffee pot. (h.o.)

May 27 dream:  Dad and mom arrive home. I turn on lights just as they arrive. Dad kisses Tom and me. Says he wants to talk about our teeth. (h.o.) Hear cat purring.

May 27 dream:  Standing up to bully at work. He goes on to bully somebody else. The building feels like it’s about to fall down.

May 26, 2020:  Two single-ring calls at about 1 p.m. (*Relates to hawk on Casitas hier?) Get email from Brandon about letter to Sanders campaign. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Took new route down. CVS. Lady at Creightons excited to see me. (*Relates to 2nd hawk from hier?) Walk down Teresita to home.

May 26 dream:  Going thru clothes, I tell Mary L. that the jacket is reversible. She says, “So am I.”

May 26 dream:  Buy a convertible for $400 down. Offer to my father to pay rent on a partial, monthly basis ’til I move out.

May 25, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk on Casitas. Two shirtless guys on Mt.D. Tall dark-haired gay guy on Mt.D. Distant hawk at Creightons. Walk down Teresita to liquor store on Monterey. Guy without mask pulls his shirt up to cover his face, exposing his stomach. Walk home.

May 25 dream:  About to sign timesheet and get paid.

May 24, 2020:  Wake up thinking about my NorCal friend from Pillsbury, Madison & Sutro in the ’80s. Insight: Hoping others will do the right thing really means I’m hoping that I’ll do the right thing. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then Creightons. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Walk home. Cute woman W.F. worker on my way in. At first, I thought she was a guy. On closer inspection, she was a girl. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Power and influence can be obtained through dishonesty and deception. My conclusion: Truth is the only cause, the only effect; infinite, truthful, honest, honorable possession already in hand, always at hand; nobody’s fool.

May 24 dream:  Instructing my replacement how to do my old job. (h.o.)

May 24 dream:  Me and other guy on a Navy oil ship, loaded with fuel. The waters were choppy and we were underway, low in the water. Guy says: “I’m pretty sure we won’t flip over.” Heard a strange noise.

May 24 dream:  November 21, 1934?

May 24 dream:  Sitting with group of millennials.

May 24 dream:  Philadelphia.

May 24 dream:  Walk up Market Street after being away for a while. Try to avoid seedy parts. Run into several people I used to know. Guy jokes, “All former monks.” I say: “Or will be again.” Then run into Bob Labansat and we hug and I start crying.

May 23, 2020:  Three more calls from same crank caller as hier, only this time on my landline. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Couple with child take path I usually take so I go another way to the top. When I see them on top, the child is no longer with them. Go to M.S. My white worker friend there flirting with girl, along with other guy. Go to Creightons. Get hot chocolate (*Relates to 2nd dream of May 16, I think.) Walk down Teresita to S.P. Caution tape still up. (*Relates to cute, young Filipino guy on Foerster?) Start work on VA pre-approval loan. Find “Hope I didn’t hurt you” rock. It was under a chair.

May 23 dream:  “The house looks really good,” I tell Harriet. And it does. (h.o.)

May 23 dream:  Walking with Bob M., I ask him if The Prosperos should move from S.F. to L.A.?

May 23 dream:  “Did the purpose of gays begin with Shiloh Salaam in the 15th century?” guy asks, walking back after big parade. I had to return ten plastic bins which were called “jail cells.” Only had four with me at the time. Realized it would probably be a madhouse there at the return place.

May 23 dream:  Getting on bus, realizing I have a lot of grief, maybe overwhelming grief, to let go of. Very short woman gets on bus, pushing ahead of me.

May 22, 2020:  Wake up around 7:30 a.m., remembering the time I ran into Cree at a Gay Pride parade in S.F. Posted bio on the BB about guy who raped and murdered hundreds of men about 100 years ago. Took nap from noon to 2ish, interrupted three times by crank caller. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Guy tries to cut in front of me at CVS. I call him on it. He backs down. Creightons. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Get in another fight about guy trying to cut in line at deli. He says that I just got there. I say: “That’s bullshit.” Later deli guy calls on me before him and he walks off. Caution tape at S.P. (*Relates to guy sitting in sun a few steps later.) Break glass in p.m.

May 22 dream:  In Jewish country, decide not to hide who we are. (h.o.)

May 22 dream:  Bullet shaped cars crashing into each other just outside my window. I’m enjoying it but don’t want to e seen enjoying it.

May 22 dream:  Two elephants bearing down on us on trail. I wake up briefly to avoid them.

May 22 dream:  Getting ready to do the backstroke in swimming pool. The water is beautiful and just the right temperature.

May 21, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. Mario there, but I go to other checkout. Then Creightons. Walk down Teresita. Cute, young, effeminate guy talking loudly on cellphone. I let him pass. Then decide to follow him. I lose him but happen across him again on Bella Vista off the phone, walking towards me and somewhat chastened. Walk home.

May 21 dream:  It’s 11:30 a.m. and the resto I just worked at needs a waiter. I think: “I’ll work for an hour.” Guy throwing up dead fish in corner.

May 20, 2020:  Get up about 7:30 a.m., early for me. (*Relates to single-ring call at about 9 a.m., I think.) Post BB blog: “Dizzy, Jesus and Group Dynamics.” Take a nap from 12:30 to 2:45 or so. Email Brandon and others, asking for copy of the Bernie letter sent to Bernie campaign. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Mt.D. Black car on Casitas Avenue appears and then apparently disappears when I look again. Mt.D. Annoying guy at CVS. Same annoying guy at Creightons, but he had them reopen for me. Walk Teresita home. In p.m. feel bad about emailing management about Apt. 429 and writing blog about Hanz.

May 20 nap dream:  Tom O. and I in car. He’s driving. He asks me to roll my window down. I forget. Then he jokes about it, smiling at me. I think: I could kiss those lips.

May 20 dream:  At camp for a few more days, living out of my suitcase. Net up was swimming. Strange guy wanders in and settles down next to me. I look thru the clothes I have and realize they’re all too small. Will have to wash my clothes at least once more before leaving camp.

May 20 dream:  Scary dreams just have to be replaced by video of the London underground?

May 19, 2020:  Get email from Brandon that our open letter to Bernie was approved by SF Berniecrats board. Also email from Pam R. re death of Carol Carter. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Mario at CVS. I go to other cashier. Creightons. Walk Teresita home.

May 18, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then Mario at CVS. Find out he goes to CCSF and still lives with his parents in Glen Park. Then on to Creightons. Lady there is apologetic for overcooked, brittle chocolate chip cookie. She gives me oatmeal cookie for free in front of her boss, I think. (*Relates to hawk at S.P. hier?) Stop by Safeway briefly. See Myka out of corner of my eye. Take photo of guy walking his dogs, from behind. Upstairs neighbors start “construction work” at 2:04 a.m. I try out my new sleeping cot in the bathroom and email management.

May 18 dream:  People, mostly women, swimming in a pool.

May 18 dream:  Filling out application for job which I have 15 minutes to get to.

May 17, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. No Sunday paper at CVS. Go to Creightons. Walk down Teresita to S.P. Big close hawk at S.P. Later crow attacks it. Go to Safeway for Sunday paper. Talk with Myka briefly. Walk home. Run into stunningly beautiful, long-haired young homeless guy on steps down to Unity Plaza. He has his suitcase open and he’s sitting with his pants down to his knees, though he has boxers on. He smiles up at me with a beautiful, innocent, seductive, kind smile. I say: “Looks like you are all settled in.” He smiles. I say: “Do you need anything?” He says: “Do you have any spare money?” I give him $20. (*Relates to last dream of May 16?) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Transitions are accelerating and intelligent adaptation cannot keep up. My conclusion: True intelligence is the ability to see the obvious Truth everywhere, every place: quick, alive, animated, sprightly, saucy, lively, lovely, fit, fitting, appropriate, always in tune with its nature, always in tune with its nurture.

May 17 dream:  Visit get-together with Grandma Smith and others.

May 17 dream:  Order 40 desserts at $40 a piece. Tell the baker to please stop at 40.

May 17 dream:  Thane visits center. We pass a new online rule. I take a break from exercising. Then rejoin the “the Chippendale,” one partner on the floor pushing up with his legs to the other partner.

May 16, 2020:  Some guy calls up and says they’re going to turn off my PG&E in an hour unless I go to a local 7-11 and pay them some $400. Pick up sleeping cot and figure out how to set it up. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. Then Creightons. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. No more lines to get in. Woman at Safeway assumes I should be attracted to her. Makes me mad. Run into Jun on Monterey afterwards. (*Relates to “Expect the Unexpected” from earlier today?) Walk home.

May 16 dream:  Someone wants me to endorse something and I’m involved in doing that.

May 16 dream:  My boyfriend want to go out with me in public except not to dances put on by group which wants to hurt him. Surprised he admits he’s my boyfriend. I’m drinking too sweet chocolate drink.

May 16 dream:  Took wrong train. Girl gets off and lays down at fireplace, having invited me join her. I think I should and attempt to do so.

May 15, 2020:  Talk to VA Home Loans. They say I have the highest credit rate possible. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Dark-haired guy and his nice dog on top. CVS. Very cute worker at M.S. I wolf-whistle at him. Older Asian guy worker there greets me like I’m an old friend. Creightons. Teresita to S.P. Nice guy with his friendly little boy. Walk home. Mean/ugly young Asian guy sitting in car outside my doorway. I think it’s Yuto.

May 15 dream:  Go looking for my jacket and wallet which I left behind while looking for place to pee on large indoor pier.

May 15 dream:  I am in hotel room with my father. Black female nurse from the East Bay stops by to tell me about her working conditions.

May 14, 2020:  Turn in BMR application in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. See “Encinitas” on car. Wonder if that’s a sign I should move to Ensenada like I looked into way back in the ’60s. Realized I was just trying to run away then. Same probably with my looking into moving to Santa Cruz or Guerneville. (*Relates to owl from hier?) Beautiful young guy and his dog on Mt.D. I say: “Nice dog.” He says: “Thanks” and smiles. (*Relates to hawk at Sunnyside Playground hier, I think.) CVS. Creightons. Walk down Teresita to S.P. Cute guy checking out his cellphone as I look on in admiration. (*Relates to rooster on Flood from hier, I think.) Hear owl on Gennessee Street on way home. Fire alarm in p.m.

May 14 dream:  Using my 75th birthday website as a way to catch criminal.

May 14 dream:  Taking a shit naked. Others before and after me. As I leave all kinds of shit comes back up. I say: “I didn’t shit all that much.” I try to flush it again and it only partially works.

May 14 dream:  Getting ready to give a talk. I just woke up. Ana and John I. In the room. Glad Cenk is not there to see me wake up so late.

May 13, 2020:  Work on BRM application. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Mt.D. “Heart attack” on reaching peak. Hear owl. Then Starbucks. Down Teresita. Hawk at Sunnyside Playground. Hear rooster on Flood Avenue.

May 13 dream:  A boil on my leg.

May 13 dream:  Trying to help someone download something.

May 13 dream:  Trying to get back to the city via public transportation. Big tree with mud surrounding it. Trolleys not labeled well.

May 12, 2020:  Call Bay Federal Credit Union. They email me application which leads me back to asking for an application. Getting bad vibes about this move. Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. Then Creightons. Then Teresita home. Brandon sends out “Bernie letter” to the three of us who were interested in working on it. I put it on Google docs. Send email b-card to Laurie.

May 12 dream:  Running thru the house, Tom’s dog attempts to stop me. I tell him to back off. Security guy brags about boffing girl from neighboring Switzerland. (h.o.)

May 12 dream:  Filming movie in background. Obama there. Also cockroaches I hear. I’m trying to put on my pants.

May 12 dream:  Guy at art gallery puts up new piece. Asks me if he can put up one of my pieces across from it. I say: “Yes, I think it would look nice there.” Mine is in black and white. The other pieces is like a shiny black onyx slab.

May 11, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Drop off shoes for repair. Walk to Mt.D. Translate “home” in my head. Mario at CVS. Then M.S. Then Creightons. Walk down Teresita. Run into Sky and her boyfriend. Rush to pick up my shoes. They look great. Email Jessica about some mobile homes in Santa Cruz.

May 10, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth. Feel a shit coming on. Rush home. Take shit. (*Relates to J. reading about himself from my diary of May 9, I think.) Walk up Frida Kahlo to Mt.D. CVS. Creightons. Down Teresita. Jun’s salon closed ’til May 30. Go to Safeway. Myka there. Translation group in p.m. Sarah Flynn joined us. Sense testimony: Current systems are unable to support safe survival needs. My conclusion: The structure/system of Truth is now and forever in place, always appropriate, self-sustaining, weightless, uncastrated, entire, safe, whole, untouched, unbroken, untamed, unspoiled, inviolate, intact, unflawed, unscathed, unharmed, unimpaired, undamaged, and all that is needed.

May 9, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Question when my relationship with J. will end. Remember Rosa Parks dream which says that the relationship will end after the final two games (in Miami and Washington D.C.). Since these two games, I think, represent political corruption (the fall of Bernie) and biological corruption (the Covid-19 crisis), the relationship with J. will end when these two crises end. And then I can finish my book. (And start my new life.) Walk down Teresita. Bee flies into my right eyelid. Pass Jun’s salon. His windows are covered over with plastic from the inside. Somebody is walking in. I walk on. Get surprise package notice in my email. I rush over to package bins and, Voila!, it’s my lease renewal application for next year. View wonderful video on dealing with a narcissist. I posted on the BB. Tough night getting to sleep as upstairs neighbor is running around.

May 9 dream:  I am given some kind of diagnosis where my food doesn’t work. Doc asks me about fasting. I say that I don’t fast.

May 8, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Find out the name of my upstairs neighbor on package in mail room. Walk to Mt.D. Realize my compulsion to look for a new place is not a function of my Truth being. It’s an addiction. So I knock it off. Go to CVS. Creightons. Follow guy with cute butt to O’Shaughnessy and Portola. See smiling bicyclist at stop light. I mentally caressed him in his skin-tight cycling outfit. Half block later I realized he was the reason I was guided that way. Go back to Teresita. Found free hangers and clipboard on sidewalk. Jun may have been at his salon but I didn’t go in.

May 8 dream:  Hanging out with Billye T. and her teacher and some students, all women.

May 8 dream:  Swarm of cockroaches, which we always suspected was there.

May 7, 2020:  Happy Birthday/Unbirthday to me! Post “It’s my birthday. No it’s not!” on the BB. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. No Mario at CVS. Creightons. Walk down Teresita to Sunnyside Playground to Beep’s. Adoré not there.

May 7 nap dream:   Hard-on dream.

May 7 dream:  Calvin in one bathroom stall and David Weinman in another. Calvin’s arm is in my stall. I put it back. I say: “You’re always taking up more room than belongs to you.” Tell David he looks very cute. Woman who plays my grandmother in line outside. We laugh. (h.o.)

May 6, 2020:  Sarah calls in a.m. I post “I am Waiting” on BB on her recommendation. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. Then Creightons. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Myka there. When I get home, anonymous message from 4:18 p.m. They pretty much supported my open letter to Bernie Sanders. They will post on Google docs and open to comments with a final decision by the board officers. Also, Nina Turner made guest appearance.

May 6 dream:  “Don’t make it fattening,” one of our family warning to guy having difficulty opening a bottle.

May 5, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Mario at CVS. Creightons. Walk down Teresita. Spent a lot of time in p.m. looking for fantasy places to move to. NY reinstates presidential primary. Erotic thought: Jesus on the cross facing in with his ass partially exposed.

May 5 dream:  Hook up trailer to my Mercedes Benz and drive up very steep (almost vertical) hill. (*Relates to reading my open letter to Bernie at SF Berniecrats meeting on May 6, I think.)

May 4, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. Then Creightons. Seductive Asian guy standing in line in front of M.S. Walk down Teresita. Walk thru Sunnyside Playground. Then down Foerster to Jun’s salon. The door is open. He’s doing a woman’s hair. He asks if I need more masks. I buy 10 more masks for $10 (*Relates to distant hawk over Mt.D. hier?) Walk home. Hear on TV movie: “Today’s the big day when everything changes.”

May 4 dream:  Rewriting equations to make them more readable and understandable.

May 4 dream:  Touchable guy in white T-shirt tells me about pill Thane gave him.

May 4 dream:  Guy shares taco with apple and cheese with me.

May 3, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then on to CVS and Creightons. Then down Teresita. Interesting guys coming out of house I found interesting a few days earlier. Hawk circling Mt. D. Cute little boy on tricycle saying, “Whoo-Hoo!” Hot guy just as I arrive home. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) Does the $1,200 I got from IRS have deeper significance? Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Recovery to normality is urgent for sake of physical, mental, and economic health. My conclusion: The norm of Truth is infinite, limitless ability; the nature of Truth is birthless, deathless Cosmic intention; Truth leaps for joy in self-evident expectation of prosperity.

May 3 dream:  I say of my workmate, “She’s crazy.” And I think she really is.

May 3 dream:  Going back to visit people I used to know in S.F.

May 2, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then to Creightons. Then to M.S. My white M.S. worker there. Go back to CVS. Then down Teresita. Hawk overhead at Sunnyside Playground. Then home. Found stone on sidewalk of CCSF campus three days ago. It had a caricature of an alien on one side and on the other side it said: “Hope I didn’t hurt you.” I picked it up and kept it. Now can’t remember where I put it. But I think it may have been a message from my father. Upstairs neighbor has party ’til 2 a.m.

May 2 dream:  Read short book I wrote many years ago. Not bad. At end is a pop-out yoga gadget.

May 1, 2020:  Do bills and monthly BB. IRS gives me $1,200! In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Beautiful dark-haired girl with her daughter on Mt.D. Guy on Chaves who I ran into later at Creightons. Beautiful guy at CVS. I kinda cruised him. My white M.S. worker friend in the M.S. parking lot. See CVS guy skateboarding by. Talk myself into following him. Turns out it’s Dan (the potter) from 18th & Castro. He recognized me before I recognized him. It was nice seeing him again. (*Relates to two hawks hier on Teresita, I think.) He catches #44. I continue down Teresita. Hawk circles very close at Sunnyside Playground. Go to Safeway. Walk home. Forgot bag I left behind so I walk back and get it.

May 1 dream:  Woman said something about two bills. Not sure what kind of bills she meant.

May 1 dream:  In a small town, the owner of a bar is often the mayor or other important official.

May 1 dream:  Two hawks soaring, one nearby.

May 1 dream:  Follow Laurie into the shower room. Marilyn Deurell puts some cooked ham in my palm and says: “Feel this.” Then says: “What’s your name again?” I say: “After all these years, you don’t know my name?”

April 30, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. CVS without Mario. Creightons. Walk home via Teresita. Two hawks circling on Teresita. Interesting guy at Foerster who walks down Joost. I turn around to follow him. Then he comes back and walks down Mangels (one block away) instead. Walk home. Email Xlibris to take down The Men in My Life self-published book from 2000. Email Rick Thomas in response to his request for Assembly 2020 feedback. I tell him that when The Prosperos moves away from monarchy (absolute rule by the Executive Council), I would be willing to attend assembly, virtually or otherwise.

April 30 dream:  Almost ready for the rush of the 5,000. (h.o.)

April 30 dream:  Listening to FYL group with John F. Go to 4th floor of 835 Turk Street. There’s a big Bernie group there listening to “Anne,” a song, and studying before their meeting.

April 30 dream:  Ride bus all the way to northern Marin to give a speech. Then forget my notes. Teacher said to stay anyway. I decided to leave. Find bus back for only $1. Had picked up some books which I would have to return somehow.

April 29, 2020:  Jackie Fisher personally calls me asking for contribution. I decline. In ’til 3ish. Was waiting for online Curable program at 3 p.m. which never came on. Walk up Plymouth. Blue bird from hier relates to guy on Plymouth who seemed to be waiting for my arrival. On to Mt.D. Then CVS. No Mario. Creightons. Then cute h.s. guy in tight red track pants. I follow him to h.s. track next door and take his photo from O’Shaughnessy. (*Relates to distant hawk from hier?) Walk home. Overcast day.

April 29 dream:  Can’t remember the name of the guy I worked with for years. Charles? We do our daily video and I can’t remember his name and he’s right there.

April 29 dream:  Playing tennis briefly in very small court. My step-parents offer to play with me but I decline for the moment.

April 29 dream:  Hawk hovering outside my window. Pigeon comes in. I try to scare it away but It doesn’t scare easily. It turns into young guy. I’m not entirely there physically. (Hear scary sound on waking up.)

April 29 dream:  Guy tells other guy: “Be with me and serve the distinguished one.”

April 29 dream:  Everybody in the break room. Girl gives me her half-eaten apply ’cause I deserve it.

April 28, 2020:  Calls in a.m. from an alleged Medicare-related org. Just before I left home they called again. I say “Hello” twice. There is no answer. I put phone down and go on to other things. I hear some noise. I go to phone. I hear rubbing noise. I say: “Are you jerking off?” They hang up immediately. (*Relates to hawk and crows from two days ago, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Blue bird flies toward me and lands next to me on Mangels. On to Mt.D and CVS. Mario there again. I try to get in line so I can get to his checkout station, but guy he’s helping keeps going back and forth for more stuff. So I go to checker next to him. He’s a big young guy. When he leans over, he has big American flag underwear on. As I leave, I say: “I like your underwear.” Go to Creightons. Nice looking guy walks by. I follow him down Ulloa Street to home. Distant hawk and crow over Ingleside. Insight: My father, like my upstairs neighbor (like J.?), thinks rules don’t apply to him. Later in evening, I smelled my father.

April 28 dream:  Bear who looked like man was on exhibit, except patrons were right next to the cage. He even got out of the cage. I pleaded with the director Marilyn to do something about it. She was an older woman who wouldn’t acquiesce. Someone writing a book about it: The Eyes of the Mystery are Upon You.

April 28 dream:  I wave my finished book in hand as I pass Barry Bram (my father?) and head into San Diego looking for the Mexican border.

April 27, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. See Isaiah from W.F. on walking out the door. Walk to Mt.D. Cute h.s. kid talking about after school sports on phone on Mt.D. He doesn’t look at me. Guy on bike on Chaves Avenue in wild shorts. We exchange glances. Mario at CVS. He’s wearing pink gloves. I say: “Pink gloves.” He says: “Yeah, we ran out of the blue ones.” I say: “Pink’s a nice color.” He smiles at me with his eyes. Two guys at M.S. My Asian checkout guy and my friend from April 22 there also. Amazon driver on Teresita who I whoop at. (*Relates to 2 or 3 or more times I saw hawk and crows hier, I think. No. See diary of April 28.) See Isaiah again as I return home. Full circle.

April 27 dream:  Supposed to discuss a white book by Nathaniel Hawthorne with Carol Carter. She just got back to her home (where I was at), getting back from black area near 3rd and Madison. She said I probably wouldn’t like the area, though I was interested.

April 27 dream:  See Mick Jagger at store. Tell him I bought one of his records. He says: “What are the chances of that?” I say it was the one where he was eating things. Wanted to buy fruit-bearing tree for J. He was at the store earlier, but no longer.

April 27 dream:  Guy in my papered-off closet on the phone. Using my phone, I think.

April 26, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. and on to CVS Portola. Had nice interaction with sweet chubby checker. On to Creightons. Then down Teresita. Hawk and crow appears two or three times. See Jun at his hair salon working though sign on door said “Closed Temporarily.” Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Hysteria may make it seem too dangerous to return to economic and personal normalcy. My conclusion: Truth is the unique androgynous norm, is rational consideration, is of one Mind, is hazard-free consciousness, is the only domain, is the surety of all happening, is the manager of the infinite household of consciousness in person. OR: Truth is the rational consideration of the unique androgynous norm in person.

April 26 dream:  Get ready to ask William Fennie for $30 raise in his monthly payment to The Prosperos.

April 26 dream:  Get long rambling letter from Chris Hinrichs. He writes on the inside of the envelope. No pages inside. He may be in Seattle.

April 26 dream:  Barack Obama talking about the first time Ted Cruz was nice to him. Cathy Koslover and I tearing apart an old CD.

April 26 dream:  Aunt Joanne working at gay porn theater. Three auditoriums. I walk thru black section in swim briefs. Black guy says: “I almost jumped you.” Stick my head in small pool. Looking for larger one. Joanne wants someone to return guy’s ring to him. Other guy shows off his abs to Joanne.

April 25, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. No more lights, etc., at top. Then down to Safeway. Guy walking in a with black shirt and lime green shorts who got in line behind me. (*Relates to little boy hier on Teresita with no pants on, I think.) Other cute guy in black there as well. Walk home with groceries.

April 25 dream:  My friend Harry (Jun) visiting the queen. And he’s late.

April 25 dream:  Making a comedy about two guys going across the country, trying to get the girl of his dreams. In the end one of them partially disappears. But I play game with the other one. We joke about the many law we’ve broken to get where we are.

April 25 dream:  Practicing a Shakespeare play in a cafe. Had to be quiet. Trying to figure out where it ends and begins, not to mention what it was about.

April 24, 2020:  Anonymous call at 7:45 a.m. I say: “You’re too early.” In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Guy setting up lights in front of cross for big event? Go to CVS. Then Creightons. See interesting guy in M.S. line with his girlfriend, I assume. On my way out of Creightons, check him out. He checks me out in return. (*Relates to hawk at Teresita and Foerster from hier, I think.) Walk down Teresita. Cute little boy walking around his house without his pants on. His father says: “Why aren’t you wearing any pants?” Boy says: “So can catch the bird.” Then baby hawk? Friendly guy on Foerster on his way into Safeway?

April 24 dream:  Historical Native American leader says he talks to Jesus every night ’cause he knows most of us are Christians and he (the Native American leader) wants us to take care of the land.

April 23, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Mail letters. Cute guy lining up at W.F. Walk to Mt.D. Then to CVS. Then M.S. Cute Asian cashier who I had connected with before. Creightons. Walk down Teresita. Hawk at Teresita and Foerster. Walk home. Call from DLCC got me very fired up. Cleaned bathtub.

April 23 dream:  Trying to start over but only have the first 2 or 3 videos. (h.o.)

April 23 dream:  I start kissing my colleague (continuation of previous dream). He sticks his tongue in first.

April 23 dream:  Mob family trying to deal with COVID-19.

April 22, 2020:  Anonymous call at 9:07 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Go to Mollie Stones. Cute guy who I had previously tried to engage finally responded (*Relates to young hawk from hier, I think.) Then Creightons. Walk down Teresita to home.

April 22 dream:  Gathering all my ID together, including already opened mail. Getting ready to leave the home with one other person, I believe.

April 22 dream:  My full legal name was Hussein Barack Obama. I was an undercover agent.

April 22 dream:  Watching a women’s roller derby event. Girl in tank top sits next to me. I don’t notice her ’til she gets up.

April 21, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Mario not at CVS. Find $1 on the floor. Creightons. Walk down Teresita. Young hawk at Monterey and Foerster. On to Beep’s. Adoré there along with very interesting/sweet girl. (*Relates to dream of March 16 of two cute guys talking to me at the same time, I think.)

April 21 dream:  People in charge want to know if I have made all the payments before the project can begin.

April 20, 2020:  RHS my father when he asked, “Do you think this is a big lie [referring to the family]?” Yes, of course it was a lie. But I was also living a lie. Ever since I was a child. My lie was that I really didn’t belong here and so I had to lie to fit in. So my father was out-picturing a lie just like I was living a lie. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Mario at CVS. Starbucks reopens. Torn between Starbucks and Creightons right next door. (*Relates to 1st dream of March 16 of two cute guys talking to me at the same time, I think. No. See diary of April 21.) Walk down Teresita to Beep’s. Adoré not there. Then he is. My neighbor lady knocks on my door again, checking on me.

April 20 dream:  Just as I got everything straightened out and I was comparing my two flashlights, there was a knock on my cabin door. I hid. Then opened it. It was my parents(?) and someone else. We were on a ship. I was captain, I think.

April 20 dream:  In Santa Cruz trying to find ride back to S.F. for meeting. Alan Dunstan there. He had given me a heavy key to hold. Also Valerie and Diane Robison from high school.

April 19, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. Tried to talk with cute cashier there. His female co-worker interrupted us. Then Creightons. Walk down Teresita. Jun’s salon door open. I go in. I say: “Are you open again?” He says: “Sit down and I will talk to you later.” He finishes his second haircut. He gives me ten masks for $10. Then his wife called. Walked home. Jun drove by in his car. OccupySF website hits over 40,000 clicks on Sunday. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Political and cultural insanity can impair our ability to move/breathe/interact freely. My conclusion: Truth is political and cultural sanity, sanitary in thought and manifestation, limitless ability, limitless freedom, limitless love, limitless friendship, all that is effecting all that does, all inspiration without expiration.

April 19, 2020:  Involved in group train. One volunteer was matched with a goat in his bed.

April 18, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Go to Crieighton’s. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Not too bad. Waved at Myka as I left. Walk home with groceries. Health drink I bought at Safeway explodes as I open it.

April 18:  Night sweats.

April 18 dream:  Walking with Melissa across the street. She goes off. Gang of guys I thought dangerous help someone move their car.

April 17, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Overcast day. Gay guy at CVS being very nice to me. Creightons. Walk home. Nothing spectacular on April 17 as dream of April 6 seemed to indicate.

April 17 dream:  At office about to give a prize to some people for their efforts. Can’t find the prizes. Am walking around on my knees for some reason. I’m young and good looking. My office mates are older. (h.o.)

April 17 dream:  Spending a lot of time with Kamala Harris.

April 17 dream:  The family goes on a tour of an Italian law school offered by some very big, fat Italian police. I say “Fuck you” to them. Then apologize. Then walk home

April 16, 2020:  Call from 415 area code. (*Relates to hawk in tree on Mt.D. from hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk by W.F. line. Originally attracted by one guy. But turns out he was a decoy for another guy further down in line who seemed to be waiting for me to notice him, which I did. (*Relates to hawk on Molimo from hier, I think.) Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. My masked Asian friend not there. Creightons. Then down Teresita. Go to same tennis courts as hier. Nobody there. Continue home. Work on MSM Chapter 27. See dreaded white screen in p.m.

April 16 dream:  Two guys I like. Both talking to me at the same time.

April 16 dream:  Just rode elevator up to high floor in office building. Big earthquake. Building seemed to turn 180 degrees or so. I tried to calm scared woman.

April 16 dream:  Trying to find a pair of matching shoes for a party. I had one gray shoe and one two-toned leather shoe. Went up to Calvin’s apartment to look. It had no furniture in it.

April 15, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk flies into tree? Joke with my masked Asian friend at CVS about calling the CDC and telling them to call off the crisis. Guy running with two women. He likes my Bernie T-shirt. Walk up Sequoia to tennis courts. Two shirtless guys stretching. I took photo of them from behind. (*Relates to swooping hawk from hier?) Continue downhill. Hawk near Molimo. See runner and two women again. Walk thru CCSF. Older guy apparently harassing young guy, his sister and mother. So I follow them to make sure they’re okay. Then son puts his arm around the older guy.

April 15 dream:  Being part of the . . . alternative in Italy in 2014?

April 15 dream:  Cute little girl comes into Tom’s and my life.

April 15 dream:  Melissa and I and somebody else go to this guy’s church. She drives. He talks about headaches at the end of the service. I get mad, thinking he’s just planting ideas in people’s heads. I wait for Melissa to get ride home. She’s not upset though she says she needs to get a milk refill.

April 14, 2020:  Get up at 7 a.m.-ish instead of my usual 9 a.m. or so. View post from Bob of Occupy about epidemiologist who thinks we have over-reacted to COVID-19. Made me feel vindicated. Took 1-1/2 hour nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk on top diving down with talons extended. Other woman saw it, too. Significant eye contact with my masked Asian friend at CVS. Latte at Creightons. Chronicle at M.S. Walk down Teresita. Someone playing conch shell horn. Go to Safeway. See Myka. Walk home. Tape BB Episode #3 sharing my insight about a possible breeched birth for the Democratic Party.

April 14 dream:  The word: Aiden.

April 14 dream:  Hear my alarm go off like one ring of a phone call.

April 14 dream:  Getting up in the darkness in the middle of the night, feeling my way to the sink. Was still sleeping. Someone asks if I am wearing her T-shirt, which I am. She goes to get another one for me to wear so she can have the one I’m wearing. At a kind of Prosperos camp.

April 14 dream:  Young man reading something to an audience. Later in print we discuss the forbidden topic of being paid.

April 14 dream:  Had to rent a motel room for the night. Refrigerator was extra. Also I rented a duck who was supposed to stay in a pen just under where another couple were sleeping. But it was a big duck, so it just stepped out of the pen.

April 13, 2020:  Bernie endorses Biden. I take 2 hour nap. In ’til 4ish. Guy in line at W.F. Just as I’m about to walk by him, somebody from W.F. takes him inside. Walk to Mt.D. and back. Stop at Beep’s. See and talk with Adoré. (*Relates to hawks from hier, I think.) As I pick up my food from Adoré, woman steps within the 6′ limit. But then so did Adoré and I. Worked on MSM Chapters 26 & 27. Also BB Episode #2.

April 13 dream:  Making final decisions about decorations. (h.o.)

April 13 dream:  10 people stop by to visit. They are in three different cars. In the first car a couple are trying to write a novel. I tell them they need some fresh air. But they have many sheets of paper already written.

April 13 dream:  Harvey Korman objects to all the political correctness of the new generation.

April 13 nap dream:  Visit friend I . . . . He’s not handsome on the outside but he is handsome on the inside. We watched an old ’50s TV show complete with commercials. It was great. He said: “I have to go. Malik is coming over.” I felt I could really fall in love with this guy.

April 12, 2020:  Happy Easter! In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then Creightons. Cute J-like guy comes in. I wait for him to come out. He drives away in a car with “AUEAGLE” license plate. Golden eagle? Two hawks on Teresita. One pretty close. See Jun and his wife entering their salon. Do my first BB video post called “Is Biden REALLY the presumptive nominee?” Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People’s lives can be impacted by hidden hostile forces that use our vulnerability for their own agenda. My conclusion: Truth, all life, a known and friendly force, has no enemies, foreign or domestic, can only impact Itself harmoniously as it fulfills Its agenda/pact of being Itself.

April 12 dream:  Something about an ape.

April 12 dream:  Guy and his dog that’s nasty. I don’t want his apartment. I stand near policeman with his dog.

April 12 dream:  Have to take shit. Go on empty bus with nothing but a toilet. Then don’t have to to go. Ratso Rizzo (Dustin Hoffman), older and worn out, comes by. We were old friends.

April 11, 2020:  Neighbor from across the hall rings my doorbell to see if I’m alright. Hadn’t engaged with her since I first moved in 7-1/2 years ago and we got in a fight and I gave her the finger. I touched my hand to my face when talking with her. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Guy on my way up telling his son: “Slower. Slower.” Then Creightons. Nice lady there. Walk down Teresita. Discover Los Palmos Community Garden. Walk home. Roof reconstruction crew on Foerster. Watched Wayne Dyer/Eckhart Tolle video in p.m.

April 11 dream:  Getting ready to leave place where I had worked with Al H.

April 11 dream:  At house in England. Neighborhood is on watch for criminal actors(?). I am sleeping in my brother’s bed. He’s not happy about it. I get up to help both my brothers. I go downstairs. Tenants are returning to their apts. Little girl offers me $1. Later realize she lives there. Address mentioned is 1138 Christ.

April 11 dream:  Woman at table with other women. She’s furious about my lies, especially the lie of last month.

April 10, 2020:  Get up early to work on letter to Biden from SF Berniecrats. Here it is: Dear Vice President Biden: We call on you to withdraw your name for nomination for President.  With all due respect, your appearance, if not the reality, of oncoming dementia is not an acceptable face for the Democratic Party to present in November. Your withdrawal will free up your delegates to vote for whom they choose and will allow all the other candidates to de-suspend their campaigns if they so wish. The state elections can and must continue in a safe manner through the summer, leading to a virtual or actual convention at a later date. We realize this is a tremendous ‘ask,’ but the Democratic Party needs a standard bearer who will inspire confidence that the reigns of the government will be in steady hands in this time of national crisis.  And you simply do not inspire that confidence. Respectfully, San Francisco Berniecrats. Then went back to bed ’til 10:30 a.m. or so. Stayed in ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Reach top step and guys says: “You made it.” Latte/cookie at Creightons. Walk down Teresita. Cute young bicyclist I hoot at. Then well-built guy in his front garden I turn around for. Get call from (628) 777-2357. (*Relates to hawk from hier on Teresita?) Go to Safeway. Get accused twice of stepping out of line. Cute, tall, young guys behind me in line. Walk home with grocery bags in hand since #43 has been discontinued. Mary L. (from Berniecrats) returns my call. (*Zoe dog from hier relates not to Zoe herself but to her “master,” Brandon, who dismissed my letter to Biden as not acceptable, I think.)

April 10 dream:  Guy running in desert to meet his new master. He tells his mother so she’ll get off cart, but she hangs on.

April 10 dream:  Typing up a contract. Have to use old Georgia-Pacific contract as the basis. Will work ’til 7 p.m. There will be a drill when one person stays behind in the office. Guy on the floor with one leg cut off.

April 9, 2020:  Spider bite last night on my left leg? Call Mary L. She didn’t call back. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. At peak dog named Zoe barks at me. (*Relates to Zoe from SF Berniecrats who is supposed to be working with me on a letter to the Biden campaign ?) Homeless woman in red tarp on a wheelchair on side path on Mt.D. I thought it was a pile of garbage ’til she turned around and smiled at me. Latte/croissant at Creightons Walk down Teresita. Hawk near John Pinkerton’s place. Walk home. No more #36 or #43 buses for the moment.

April 9 dream:  You have to be respectful to the people moving you out, but at the same time, they cannot be pedophiles. (h.o.)

April 9 dream:  YouTube of Covid cure. (h.o.)

April 9 dream:  Greasy coffee-making gadgets on the wall of my apartment, that don’t work or have never been used.

April 9 dream:  Went over to my young friend’s place. He was getting money to see someone else. Later I am with a baby bear in my purse, talking to somebody like Crocodile Dundee.

April 9 dream:  On “Celebrity Day” guys at table next to me joke: “I want to make a revolution with Michael.”

April 8, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Cute young guy walking his blue-eyed dog on Chaves Avenue. Latte/cookie at Creightons. Mollie worker greets me. Walk down Teresita. Jun still closed. Walk home. Stop by Beep’s. Adoré there. He’s happy to see me. Online Berniecrats meeting in p.m. Felt myself blush when Brandon was nice to me.

April 8 dream:  I was in house alone trying to get ready. Chose shirt with rusty hanger. When they got home, guy says: “Is that the way Bernie likes it?” I say: “No, just black. I don’t know what Biden likes.”

April 7, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Nice day. Walk to Mt.D. (Guy with 2 dogs on Plymouth cruises me.) Then on to Portola shopping center. Latte/cookie at Creightons. #36 to Monterey. Jun’s salon still closed. Walk home. Think I’ll stop by Beep’s as long as there is no line for orders. Really psyched myself up about seeing Adoré again. Two crazy black guys (well, one crazy black guy and another uncrazy black guy) in order line. Took this as sign I needed to pass for today. Insight: Reconnected political corruption (Biden winning) with biological corruption (COVID-19). Final simultaneous two games in my Rosa Parks dream are these two elements?(*Relates to finding $4 on the sidewalk hier?)

April 7 dream:  Big hard-on dream. Playing Bernie record.

April 7 dream:  Tom O. sitting behind me in class. Bothering me more and more.

April 7 dream:  Guy at work asks me to mock marry him. Gives me plastic ring. Also, Mark Pelkey calls me at work wondering where I am.

April 7 dream:  X’mas party at work.

April 6, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Sort of rainy day. Walk to 7-11 and back to Target. I didn’t intend on going in, but the greeter was so cute and sweet and friendly, I couldn’t resist. Bought some socks. Went to Java Hut for latte. Came back to Target ’cause I felt I needed more connection with the greeter there. Found $4 on the sidewalk on the way. Asked greeter if they had more masks. He said: “No. They’re giving most of the masks to the hospitals.” I say: “Right.” Try to walk to Mt.D. It’s too rainy. Nice young red-haired boy walking his red-haired dog on Faxon. Walk home. Debate going to Beep’s. Decide to. Adoré is there. Guy at window says: “I’m taking off.” Then he asks for my order. I say: “I thought you were taking off.” He and Adoré talk. Then he jokes to me: “Do you want me to beat him up?” I say: “Yes.”

April 6 dream:  Go to school at night. Meet shirtless gay man and later see him as I leave the school and wait for the bus. I think I’ve met two different people. Guy gives me something to eat with my sandwich.

April 6 dream:  The words “17TH OF APRIL”

April 6 dream:  Someone says:  “I know how to keep this thing moving.”

April 6 dream:  Called my stepmother. Knew she was going to kick me out, but I wanted her to say the words.

April 6 dream:  Trying to buy swim suits with Tom. He playfully hides all the good ones. Then I choose two to try on. Can’t find dressing room. Finally find beat-up restroom. Guy comes in and want to use toilet. He notices there is a ham in the toilet. Ants are beginning to swarm on my leg. I ask woman: “Do you wash hands?” She says: “Yeah. Do you think we are crazy?” I say: “Yes.”

April 5, 2020:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Portola shopping center. Rain threatening. Woman at CVS checkout stand made me wait ’til she felt like she’d been there long enough. Nobody was going to push her around, Corona or no Corona. #43 home. Everybody trying to sit 6 feet apart. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Intentional terror may use viruses or fear as weapons for mass disruption. My conclusion: Truth, the Finished Kingdom, incorruptible, irreverent, unbreakably whole, having dominion over all, uses Itself in all ways, at all times with whatever tool is at hand. Richard Branam: “Constructs of the Abstract.” Watch How to Murder Your Wife on YouTube. Think of cute young guy I met a few weeks ago on Muni subway with my Bernie standee.

April 5 dream:  Going thru German backyard instead the one we paid for. Lying to get in and out. The new side had a cute young guy in white T-shirt at the end.

April 5 dream:  Was in bed trying to wake up. I had to struggle to wake up.

April 5 dream:  Go to yoga class. Thane opens the door for me. Clair Gold there. Thane there twice, I think. Everyone is in white except me. Later at another school, they are not in on Friday. So, the account is closed. But I’ve decided to work there. Woman from school sees me. I am on the verge of tears.

April 4, 2020:  In ’til 2ish. Rainy day. Walk to Safeway. Everybody lined up 6 feet apart. Myka and co-worker guiding people in and wiping off all the carts. They both were in a very festive mood. People trying to stay out of each other’s way. I was kind of hyper as left. Black guy came up to me. I thought he wanted my cart. I said: “As soon as I get my stuff out.” Turned out he just wanted to know if I was getting in line again. Anyhow, a moment of politeness that made me happy. Had Beyond Burger in p.m. They’re really good.

April 4 dream:  Trying to skate on wet road. Only it’s not wet enough. Couple of ice skaters skate by. One may be Melissa. (h.o.)

April 4 dream:  Local Prosperos week-day convention which I attend even though I don’t consider myself active in The Prosperos.

April 4 dream:  Preparing and serving and eating some really good food.

April 3, 2020:  Worked on MSM Chapters 22-25. Insight: Just like in our own work on ourselves, the political consciousness needs to work on itself. That is, the more we are aware of the total picture of things, whether individually or as a society, the healthier we will be. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola shopping center. See beautiful man with his girlfriend He ignores me. Latte/cookie at Creightons. Walk to Mt.D. See same guy and his gal just behind me on the path. This time he can’t ignore me. Realized that the the Dallas football game and that the simultaneous football games in Miami and Washington D.C. from my Rosa Parks dream of 1995 probably relate, respectively, to my back going out in 2019 and the COVID epidemic in 2020. It was my back going out which led me to really unearth my father’s sexual abuse of me consciously. And it was the pandemic which led me to unearth my unconscious reaction to it, which was outright panic. My world’s falling apart. I don’t know what to do. Where to turn. Which I experienced at the VA on March 28. Then I connected the fear of my world falling apart with my father’s rape of me to my fear of the world falling apart with the Coronavirus pandemic.

April 3 dream:  Painting of the crisis. (h.o.)

April 3 dream:  Other hard-on dream.

April 2, 2020:  Anonymous call at 9 a.m.-ish. Another anonymous call at 2:50 p.m.-ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. “Bug Gulp” on Ocean. Stop at Creightons for latte/muffin. Walk to Mt.D. See guy on top who I felt I needed to follow. So I follow him down path I don’t normally take. He turns around. I keep going. Run into young man with girl and dog. He’s beautiful. I admire him. He smiles wildly. Then takes off his outer shirt, revealing his body briefly. I think at first he’s smiling at something his girlfriend said. Later realize he was smiling in response to me. Walk to Monterey. #43 home. Stop by Beep’s. Adoré waits on me. He tells me he’s been using his spare time to learn Cambodian (his native language) and Japanese where he will be visiting for two weeks later this year. He commutes to and from Stockton where he lives.

April 2 dream:  Running up empty Market Street in S.F. Guy asks someone about donation. Guy says, “Oh, you’ll have to ask my wife about that.”

April 1, 2020:  Monthly BB. Call for COVID-19 insights. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. And then Portola. Woman in massive face mask at CVS gets manic when I try to get behind her in line. There’s a difference between cautiousness and paranoia. Latte at Creightons. Hawk/crows and Dad and son pick up plastic bag on the ground as I wait for #43. Insight: Shaking at VA after CT scan relates to being with my being with my father in his bed back in ’55 or so. Following and not understanding doctor’s instructions while lying on my back not knowing what I was supposed to do.

April 1 dream:  Priest fights for his children(?) back ’til his shift is over. Then he lets police have them. (h.o.)

March 31, 2020:  Get up about 4:30 a.m. and have trouble getting back to sleep. Then call about 8:45 a.m. wakes me up. I don’t answer. No message. Get anonymous call at about noon. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Hear owl. Then hear what sounds like J’s voice. It bothers me. Cute bearded guy on bike enters Mt.D. as I exit. Latte at Creightons. Guy in “Warren” T-shirt. We talk briefly. (*Relates to “Perfect” from hier, I think.) #43 home.

March 31 dream:  Meeting with some celebrities. I answer video phone as I leave. Black woman says: “So J.Lo and Katy B have a B.” I say: “I don’t know what that means.” She said it means they have a coffee. Then says something that I don’t hear. I say okay.

March 31 dream:  Move to Huuth (pronounced Heath), Oregon. Very small town. Near Corvallis, which is considered the big city. Go to beautiful Corvallis movie theater. Can’t figure out how to buy tickets or when films start. See two guys I know from Bernie campaign. There is a film about Bernie. They say: “I think he’s going to do it.”

March 30, 2020:  Jerk off in a.m. In ’til 2ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Get call from “Private Number.” I say: “Hello, Private Number.” No response. Walk to Mt.D. Guy with dog on Santa Paula. Older guy in van cruising me later on Santa Paula. Creightons open at Portola shopping center. Get latte and muffin to go. Thinking about sex on Juanita. UPS guy smiles at me. Think of etymology of desire, which is “to cease see something.” Follow guy on Rockdale Drive. He led me to porta-potty which I really desired. Walk to Mt.D. and down. Think about sense testimony: Attachment can sap the life out of us. My conclusion: Truth is all being touching all being, reinforcing Its wholeness/health. As I’m thinking this, beautiful woman in community garden looks up and smiles at me. Catch #43. Same guy on bus who I had passed earlier on Ocean Avenue (meaning I’ve come full circle). See “Perfect.” At Lee, follow guy to Acai R. Get avocado toast to go. Guy at counter was cute, young and friendly, but not to me. (*Relates to “Imperfect” from hier?) Saw YouTube movie It’s a Boy Girl Thing in p.m. Made me cry.

March 30 dream:  Thane and many others at big party. I go to house in the back and get stuck behind some women on a ladder on my way back. I’m counting appellate court listings.

March 29, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Get Sunday paper at Walgreen’s Ocean Avenue. No masks, no gloves by cashiers or customers. Walk to Mt.D. Thinking about the voices from my dreams of March 12, saying “Eventually you’ll give up” and “You’re only got a couple of days.” This is like a schizophrenic hearing voices, only I dreamt them. I realized that those voices came from me and so I’m responsible for them. And I’m telling them to fuck off! This feels like a great breakthrough to me. Realizing I have those kind of voices within me and being able to “cast them out” so to speak. Woman with dog on Mt.D. She’s holding dog down. I say: “Is she afraid of me?” Woman says: “No. She just loves you so much she’d jump all over you.” Nothing open at Portola shopping center. #36 to Safeway. Jun closed due to Covid-19 thru April 7. New bag boy at Safeway. I admire him. He smiles at me as I leave. See “Imperfect” while waiting for #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Attachments can cause infectious disease rather than benevolent transmission of intelligence. My conclusion: I/Truth, Legendary, the only intender, the only doer, the only infector, touches Itself with love, desires nothing, possesses all, transmits Its wellness to Itself effortlessly, automatically, easily. OR: Truth wills wellness.

March 29 dream:  Harriet says I’m working on colonitis. I say I’m not. She points to a bottle of medicine. I can’t find colonitis anywhere on it. She has her hand on my shoulder. We are play fighting. (h.o.)

March 29 dream:  Three drunk women with slippery hands struggle over keys to the house.

March 28, 2020:  Take nap in a.m. Then Sarah calls. Call VA. They pretty much confirm that I don’t have COVID. But nurse thinks I should come in to VA ER check out my heart. So I did. It took about 6 hours. Not many people there. Had two nice nurses, Roni and Nicole. 3rd nurse took me up to get a CT scan. After, I started shaking uncontrollably in my wheelchair. When I left, Nicole and I shook our bare hands. #38, #22 and K home. BTW, my heart is fine.

March 28 nap dream:  Have to get brakes fixed on my car. Also my bike needs fixing. I wonder if I can afford it. Thinking of looking at new apartment. Then dog runs after me and plays with me. I toss it a piece of paper it holds in its mouth. (h.o.)

March 28 dream:  In bed with Richard Hartnett who became Whoppi Goldberg. We were in Philadelphia. We were talking about The Prosperos. She referred to a booklet I had written about The Prosperos. I had forgotten all about it though I, too, had one by my bedside as well.

March 28 dream:  Getting some food at a worksite with lots of cute men who I was less intimidated by than I had been before.

March 27, 2020:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. Give guy on cell phone the finger. Nothing open at Portola. Walk down to W.P. Get $5.95 root beer frozen yogurt. Compliment young lady working in front of C.S. Reading Room: “Keep up the good work.” Take K home. See guy who led me to Beep’s a few times. So went to Beep’s again. Adoré not there. Stand in line for root beer float. Guy walks by the other way. Get call from Shahid’s campaign. Later I realized it might have been J. It kind of sounded like him. Scary black man on way in. He was a tulpas or at least a sign of the scary night I was about to have.

March 27 dream:  People climbing down air shaft in building to escape. I had done that before and decided not to do that this time.

March 27 dream:  I stand up to my family like I stood up the people at school I disagreed with.

March 27 dream:  Man and his daughter greet me third time, this time together and much more friendly. They start telling about how great Bernie is.

March 26, 2020:  Work on my taxes. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Pick of Tao Te Ching on way. Then to Portola. Get burrito to go. Hawk on way to Mt.D. Then walk and #43 home. Think of going to Beep’s. Then decide to. Houri there. Waiting on me. Find out his name is Adoré, not Houri. He’s very solicitous me when I leave. Offering me hand lotion, etc.

March 26 dream:  4 or 5 people arrive at my house for Monday night tape group when I didn’t expect many.

March 26 dream:  Something about reconnecting plus (+) figure. Like adding something up.

March 26 dream:  Something about Chicago.

March 25, 2020:  Anonymous call at 9:20 a.m. just as I was getting up. I say: “Hello.” No response. I say: “Well, I’m still alive.” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. Viewed great YouTube video on Muscle Shoals. I thought it was a beach movie. It was about rock ‘n roll studio in Alabama where Aretha Franklin (and others) got their groove going. Walk to Mt.D. Nice but cold day. Got warmer the more I walked. Small cafe open for takeout at Portola. #43 home. Sit in back seat. Hugh loogie on railing in front of me. I change seats. Looking for Examiner at Ocean and Lee, I intuitively go to Beep’s. Think maybe Houri is there. Don’t see him. But do see some guy bending over to pick up his dog. He’s cute. He smiles at me admiring him. Go home. Write poem, “O, MyCorona” for BB.

March 25 dream:  A crazy man and woman were walking out the door and I don’t want to entertain them any more. (h.o.)

March 25 dream:  Run into William F. and Al H. Tell William I’ve already watched his film and I won’t be watching it with him.

March 25 dream:  Two male lions and their cub jump out of our apt. building lobby into another apartment across the street. I realize I could use a chair on them if/when they come back. Then guy sets up his organ outside my window and begins playing. I talk to him, then get building manager to talk to him.

March 24, 2020:  Heather calls. Worked on MSM, Chapter 19. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Mt.D. It’s kind of raining. “ASAP” on truck. One-ring call as soon as I reach top. Sun comes out after I reached peak. Then to Mollie Stones. Woman trying to stay 6 feet away from me pisses me off. Later realized I was really mad at myself for being so fearful. She was just out-picturing it for me. #43 home.

March 24 dream:  Guy wants to sell me station wagon with ratty sofas in the back. Wake up with heart pounding.

March 24 dream:  Walking thru beautiful southern California home. Wonder who they stole money from to get it. Open door to room with Jay Leno talking to somebody about the importance of the set-up to a joke. Drop some of what I’m carrying for a 2nd time. Woman offers to help me clean it up.

March 23, 2020:  Get call just as I got out of shower. I say: “John?” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3:15ish. Walk to Mt.D. Cute constructor worker on Los Palmos. He jumps up on rafter to show off his stomach. As I arrived breathless to top step of Mt.D., beautiful man in black and with black hair and a black bike smiles at me. Go to Mollie Stones Portola. J.H.-like guy near meat dept. Nice cashier. Walk back to Mt.D. hoping to see guy in black again. See other guy. He has on T-shirt that says “Unknown.” As soon as I approach, he moves over on the bench he is sitting on as if expecting me to join him. On leaving him I trip and almost fall. But I keep walking and somehow balance myself. See same old couple on Lulu Alley I saw on March 8. Police cars racing on Frida Kahlo as I approach home. View London Real video with David Icke in p.m. Unexpected final 20 minutes in which Icke sounds like Thane. (*Relates to In the Time and Land of Arascus story I wrote 49 years ago about Mobid, who everybody thought was evil, saying the same words as Arascus, who everybody thought was good.)

March 23 dream:  Guy with group who leave their three top hats (two gray, one black) on the sidewalk while they go into store. He asks me how he can get some money. I say: “You might want to use your top hats.” (h.o.)

March 22, 2020:  Online phone banking for Bernie from 1-4 p.m. to voters in N.Y. Final call was to a first-time father in the hospital with his pregnant wife going into labor. He kept me on the line. It appeared to be a breeched birth. I didn’t know what to do. I Translated birth. Heard baby crying. It was a little girl. Then I cried. In ’til about 4 p.m. Then walk to Mt.D. and CVS Portola. Standing in line waiting forever. Then looked behind me to beautiful smiling Asian guy. Starbucks Portola closed for good now. Nice Asian cashier at Mollie Stones. Also sweet black security guard. #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Recovery of value and wellness cannot be shared because of system dislocation. My conclusion: Truth is the one Possessor/Possession sharing Itself with Itself with boundless ability, boundless wellness, the only Place, the only Thing, the only Being.

March 22 dream:  Warren Buffet acting arrogant in bar. My new yellow umbrella handle not working.

March 22 dream:  Two fat men talking about chocolate.

March 21, 2020:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. Lots of people up there. Down to Safeway. Myka gives me $60 cash back which I had not requested. (*Relates to hawk on Amber from hier?)

March 21 dream:  Exiting big building after show with wild animals and lions. One lion was ailing on the ground. Me and couple quickly inched by. We arrived downstairs at place making sandwiches.

March 21 dream:  After an earthquake, woman says to me: “Glad you came back.” I say: “I always come back.”

March 21 dream:  Voice to me in dream: “Eventually you’ll give up.”

March 21 dream:  Another voice: “You’ve only got a couple of days.”

March 21 dream:  My papers all over the floor. Had to pick up something from P.O. Had to do something on Sunday a.m.

March 21 dream:  My sister’s beachfront astrology was taken down, then permitted by the police.

March 20, 2020:  In ’til 1 p.m. or so. K to Rincon. There ’til 3ish. Return to Castro. Then #35 to G.P. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk and crows overhead. Also coyote. Almost trip on step. Then hawk close up on Amber Drive. Translate calm. Man smiles at me midway through. Mollie Stones. Walk to Mt.D. Canoodling couple on Coventry Lane. Go to Jun’s salon. His wife’s there. Remodel job pretty much finished. He gave me a mask to wear and got very insistent that people should wear them. I said that I thought only people who were sick should wear them. He said the CDC says that only because they don’t have enough masks. 60 masks arrived via delivery person while we were there. God, I love him, but he’s wrong. He’s just repeating what he’s heard from other people.

March 20 dream:  Voting between three different choices. (h.o.)

March 20 dream:  In counseling session, I say to 2nd therapist that I have a rising libido and I will tell my step-brother but I just haven’t yet.

March 20 dream:  Me and another guy go to two guys blackmailing me. I had prepared a letter, a check, etc. He gave it all back to me and took my pen as well. He said: “You. Stay out of my life.”

March 20 dream:  Have sit-down dinner on the island of Molokai. My lip is bleeding Someone uses the word nefigy. And then says: “Look it up.”

March 20 dream:  Nancy, Laurie and I cleaning up area to go to family meeting.

March 19, 2020:  Anonymous call at 9:35 a.m. Caller doesn’t speak. I say: “Is this social distancing?” Worked on MSM, Chapters 19-21. Sarah F. called midway thru. I realized later she had probably been drinking again. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Do take-out. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear distant hawk. Hear owl. Walk to Mt.D. #43 home.

March 19 dream: Am at Tom’s room in Saratoga house. He has a dog. I think: I could have a dog. Then I go to my room. Lots of cars and young girls rushing in and out. Some of the girls are sitting on the hoods of the cars with their legs spread. Carol Carter shows up in blue polka-dotted dress, like my mother used to wear. It’s good to see her. She had been drunk the night before. She is in a severe mood. I think: I’ve got to get my own place.

March 18, 2020:  Anonymous call about 1 p.m.-ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to 7-11 on Ocean. Then up to Mt.D. See same friendly black policeman on Miramar who I saw hier coming out of Walgreen’s on Ocean. Then to Starbucks Portola for take out matcha frappuccino. Walk back to Mt.D. Catch #36 going the wrong way. Then #43 at Forest Hill home. Write “The Ascendency of Political and Biological Corruption?” post for the BB.

March 18 dream:  Attending fancy diner with several possible partners. J.H. Is there but he doesn’t look at me. Others are in the running. I’m trying to be intuitive and unforced. (h.o.)

March 17, 2020:  Walk to Arden Wood to see Aunt Joanne. Nice, friendly black policeman says hello to me at Walgreens on Ocean Avenue. Arden Wood wouldn’t let me in. (*Relates to coyote at G.C.P. from hier?) Walk thru W.P. Walk up to Mt.D. and run to catch #43 to W.F. Then to F.L for London fog to go. Cute guy and gal there. Couldn’t tell which one was cuter. Got call from VA derm doctor postponing my appointment indefinitely due to Covid-19. I felt very attracted to him, even though I couldn’t see him. (*Relates to sudden hawk on Monterey from hier?) Took two hour nap which may relate to my visit to Aunt Joanne. Felt better afterwards. Hear on DVD: “A new journey is about to begin.” Lots of self introspection due to Covid-19. Sure I have it. Then pretty sure I don’t.

March 17 dream:  Asking my friend who had designed an artsy Christmas tree for me before to do it again, only this time all in red cardboard.

March 17 dream:  Jump in greenish water at pool after other guy does it. I try to swim to the bottom to get a rubber duck or something but can’t get very far.

March 16, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. But closed to seating. Go to cafe across the street which is terrible. Walk thru G.C.P. Two hawks rush to tree. Coyote pretty close. Branch noisily breaks off another tree. Mollie Stones. Starbucks Portola closed, too. Go to Mt.D. Then catch #36 to Monterey. Stop by Jun’s salon. He’s repainting his salon. I say: “It looks horrible.” (Which it does.) He smiles. We talk for a few minutes (*Relates to hawks and crows from G.C.P. hier, I think.) Then go to Safeway. Crazy people there. #43 home. Notice in p.m. that all of S.F. is supposed to “shelter in place.”

March 16 dream:  Article in Boston newspaper about Christian Infinity. I want to post it on the BB.

March 16 dream:  Getting ready to read short memorial for someone who died. Am so proud of my new boyfriend John.

March 15, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Hawk on Monterey. Zeph at C. B. with girlfriend? Sudoku also. Walk thru G.C.P. Several hawks and some crows. See Taylor at Portola. Realize it’s him and come back to say hello. #43 home. Bus driver and I talk about Bernie/Biden debate. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: We may be vulnerable to contagion from dangerous memes or dangerous viruses. My conclusion: Truth is consciousness, first person singular, the one and only original, with sole standing in law and the sole agent of justice.

March 15 dream:  I’m in a play. The character next to me told me that the woman interested in him told him she’d just like to fuck him. (h.o.)

March 14, 2020:  Anonymous call around 9:15 a.m. (*Relates to murder of crows from hier?) Then call to Mr. and Mrs. John Pinkerton. I said I was Mrs. Pinkerton. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Very busy. Walk thru G.C.P. Begins to rain. #36 to Monterey. Talk to Jun alone at his salon. He asked me why I was out. I joked that the virus began in China. Myka at Safeway. Run on toilet paper and paper towels and potatoes! On walk, came up with sense testimony combining Bernie’s apparent loss and the coronavirus: Political and biological corruption seems to be on the ascendent. When I get home, Pam R. email about 2008 prediction by psychic Sylvia Browne of 2020 virus that suddenly appears and just as suddenly disappears. In p.m., emotional reaction to father being arrested for child abuse in DCI Banks DVD.

March 14 dream:  Current state of the political race. (h.o.)

March 14 dream:  Nancy and Laurie “kidnap” me to go to a movie in Santa Monica. I had agreed to see Alan Blackman for a movie in the Castro. I couldn’t get my cell phone to work. Run into Gene Goulard who said they were able to save their orchard.

March 14 dream:  Getting ready to leave. Want to hang out a just a few more minutes before I start my new life.

March 13, 2020:  Anonymous call at 8:15 a.m.-ish (*Relates to hawk hier on Plymouth Avenue?) Avalon maintenance guy in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. New barista Carla at C.B. Meet Zee (short for Zack). We talk about tea vs. coffee. Walk thru G.C.P. Murder of crows at the end. Walk up Mt.D. Older guys says to me: “You’re not even out of breath.” I say: “That’s good.” See upside down “chicken” on way down. #43 home. Get off one stop early because of guy on sidewalk. I follow him to Beep’s. Don’t want to go there, but figure I probably should. Turns out guy was leading me to Houri, who I hadn’t seen there since December.

March 13 dream:  Annual gathering of Prosperos, Liz Andrews there. Me, Jack Andrews and William Fennie shirtless. I remembered my hand pain began when I shook William’s hand. We three did a sort of dance. Jack says: “I know about spiritual stuff.” We sang something about Liz, his wife, who was in a nearby tent. The three Smith sisters also did a dance.

March 12, 2020:  Woke up early. Rewrite BB post about coronavirus. Go back to sleep ’til 11:15ish. In ’til 4ish. Finalizing coronavirus post. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk off Plymouth Avenue? Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Young dark beautiful guy videotaping skateboarders at Unity Plaza. He pans his video over to me and smiles. I smile back. Cute little boy looks up to me at Beep’s.

March 12 dream:  Singing songs from three different musicals in some play I’m in.

March 12 dream:  All of a sudden three emergencies rise up. I have to make two phone calls. And then a Japanese neighbor woman wants me to come with her in a hurry, which I do.

March 11, 2020:  Two anonymous calls in a.m. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Two hours at Rincon. (*Woman at Rincon relates to last dream of 3/20?) F to Castro. #35 to G.P. Jordan, Brandon and Sudoku at C.B. Sudoku still not speaking to me. Call Sonic. They wanted one year contract. Not sure I’ll be at present location for one year. Bernie’s brilliant response to Super Tuesday 2.

March 11 dream:  My black real estate agent wants to show me a 7-bedroom house.

March 11 dream:  Something about Modesto.

March 10, 2020:  Wake up early. Email Ben about my taking down his coronavirus post. Then take a 2-hour nap. In ’til 3ish. Hawk on Edna on way to G.P. Brandon and Zeph at C.B. Zeph says he “would have” voted for Bernie. Aunt Joanne accidentally calls me. We make date to meet up next week. Sudoku enters C.B. Then leaves. Plane flies over Mt.D. Cute Asian guy on Frida Kahlo. Everything seems so green, even though it hasn’t rained in months.

March 10 dream:  At some kind of vacation weekend. Lots of things to do. There’s a play I want to see. I walk by gay guys in line for a club. I squeeze by. One guy says: “That feels better.” Am on board docked ship climbing a railing I had climbed before. Black guy is upset about something. I feel unsteady. I have a napkin or something in my hand. I consider dropping it to be more sure footed. Woke up.

March 10 dream:  Am given an old electric VW bug car. And another old car. Me and another guy start to drive off. Two older friends stay behind.

March 10 dream:  Running into that nasty girl from the library on the back of a pick-up truck as one of her friends was leaving. And we were getting ready to go to work.

March 9, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See “Graduation Closer Than You Think.” Cute, dark, muscular, tattooed guy on Circular Avenue. Jordan at C.B. (Also Brandon and his girlfriend facing the wall.) Cute fuckable guy comes in with his girlfriend. He notices me noticing him and smiles. (*Relates to J.H. lookalike and his son from hier?) Sudoku snaps at me when I tease him about using Google, which he says he has a problem with. (*Relates to puppy on Mt.D. hier who, for no apparent reason, barked at me while backing away from me.) Decide to finally Translate the sense testimony: Democracy sometimes make the wrong decisions. My conclusion: The people are the voice of the already-decided Truth.” (*Relates to old couple hier who were so glad to see me.) Guy in cute running outfit on Mt.D. Guy with “cute dog” on Cresta Vista Drive. #43 home.

March 9 dream:  Vote to go on world tour with band/choir. (h.o.)

March 8, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. (Brandon and his girlfriend there also but seated looking against the wall). Moment of baraka with Daniel. (*Relates to hawks and crows and shits from hier, I think.) Walk thru G.C.P. John H. lookalike (shorter, younger) and his son(?) running across Portola. Walk to Mt.D. and down. Elderly couple ask me how I am. Then say: “It’s really nice to see you.” Catch #43 just as it arrives. Give $1 to homeless lady at McDs for 1st page of Examiner. Then give her $2. Hear “Something good will happen” on YouTube or DVD. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Symbiotic relationships can be disrupted by both ontogenetic and phylogenetic data that causes isolation. My conclusion: Truth is having a symbiotic indisruptably continuous love affair (eruption) with Itself, whose beginning was beginningless and whose ending will be endless and whose boundaries are boundless. OR: Truth is a given.

March 7, 2020:  Work on MSM Chapter 17. Write BB blog: “Consciousness is not Passive.” In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Brandon and Daniel at C.B. Also Sudoku who asked about my Howard Zinn book. Walk thru G.C.P. for first time in months. 2 or 3 hawks overhead. Murder of crows. Shits at Mollie Stones. Myka at Safeway. Run to catch #43. Home.

March 7 dream:  I am with my sister Laurie. We are headed towards political church. It is SRO. It is a Bernie Sanders event. I become Bernie Sanders. People don’t recognize me yet. (h.o.)

March 7 dream:  Someone telling me I have a daughter somewhere.

March 7 dream:  Guy collecting money at underground subway station.

March 6, 2020:  “Spasms of excitement” referred to in BB comedy video. Online call with Cenk Uygur and about 200 others. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Starbucks Portola. Call Sarah in SLO. We talk about an hour. If she goes to Medford, OR, for Rick’s RHS class, I may go, too. #43 home. Beep’s. Home. Shits.

March 6 dream:  Cleaning out my wallet in public. I accidentally drop a dollar in trash can. I rush to get it back. Realize I was probably a little too manic about that. See Tom C. crossing the street. He looks great. We smile. He’s with a young hetero couple who are kissing.

March 5, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. #43 to Arizmendi Bakery. Beautiful man in shorts I sit across the aisle from. Go to Arizmendi. Walk to Peet’s Cafe Cole Street. Royale and Daniel there. Also cute, sweet barista who I had never seen before. #43 to W.F. and home.

March 5 dream:  Released from prison for 2nd time. Run along beach.

March 5 dream:  I am in small retirement group. Next to 3 guys including Thane. They are celebrating the birthday of one of the guys, a civil rights leader, tonight. Thane doesn’t look so good. The setting looks like a department store.

March 4, 2020:  Hot guy on K inbound leads me to even hotter guy. Makes me hard and later wet. 101 with John F. We decided to take a break from 101 for a while ’til we get some sort of new direction. We get something to eat. Then two hours at Rincon. Get call from “Private Number” at Rincon. BART to G.P. Can’t find seat at C.B. Meet Cain in front of BART G.P. He’s reading Bhagavad Gita from Philosophy of Religion class at CCSF. We talk briefly. Then I find seat next to Brandon (and his girlfriend) at C.B. Jordan is barista. Also Zeph. Later I run into Zeph on #23. Tell him I’ve checked out the 2nd Star Wars movie, which he had recommended. Walk home. Insight: the self-imposed burden of thinking of myself as a “great man.”

March 4 dream:  Walking down my new neighborhood road in my bathrobe and not much else. It’s like I want to be raped. Find nice cute outdoor seating area with mostly young men. (*Wanting to get fucked indiscriminately relates to my back spasms? How can a person of God want to be fucked indiscriminately? Was this the dichotomy I pledged to figure out in Menlo Park? Maybe it’s my way of covering up being a person of God. Relates to guy hier that I got wet over? Or guy from a few days ago on the #43. Desirable men want to be desired. Women have been desired for centuries. Now it’s the men’s turn. Being desired is a joy many men hunger for. Relates to vision of 1974 of river of joyous souls?)

March 3, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. and Starbucks Portola. Start listening to Super Tuesday returns. #43 home. More returns. Very disappointing nite. Feel terrible.

March 3 dream:  Two people staying over. One brings some friends who start talking and wake me up. I get hard. The friends leave. But the other guy stays and I feel threatened by him. Then I realize it’s a dream.

March 3 dream:  Hanging around guy I like. I want to offer to stay to help, but don’t. Later I ask him out. Also new apt. I like.

March 3 dream:  Graduation ceremony with The Prosperos. Leigh Barbier doing the Hawaiian ceremony of putting fish on my shoulders. Last year her daughter Isabelle did it. William Fennie sitting with Clair Gold. He hurt her breasts. She said: “My breasts are not boobs.”

March 2, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Go to library. Then see John H. lookalike sitting on the curb at Ocean & Plymouth in front of the laundromat. Walk up to Mt.D. Then Starbucks Portola. Then walk home via Mt.D. Follow guy up Robinhood Drive. Then down Plymouth. Another cute guy enters laundromat. Go to W.F. See W.F. worker that I knew from a while back. Follow him. He’s talking with someone else. See Isaiah at checkout counter. He’s a student of psychology.

March 2 dream:  Masseuse (or masseur) gently rubbing our testicles and penises.

March 2 dream:  Some kind of big gathering under an overpass. Some people I knew. There were some politicians speaking. I went to go hear them.

March 1, 2020:  Bernie tabling with Evangeline, Taylor, Michael, Scott, Suzanne, Alex, Aram, Andreas, Sara, Jason, Jimmy and me. See “Almost Finished.” PBS Newshour videotaped Michael singing his Bernie song with his Bernie mask on. Guy named Nathan stopped by with a bunch of his home-made Bernie buttons just when we had run out. Dan (the clay potter) making a point of saying goodbye to me as he left. At 3 p.m, as we were wrapping up, big crowd of Bernie cyclists rides down Castro and makes a left turn in front of us to much cheering and excitement. After, several of us go to The Cove for a last get-together. John F. walks to Mary’s with me. J to G.P. Brandon and Zeph at C.B. #43 and #43 home.

March 1 dream:  One roommate brings home a black guy. Another woman brings home several people. Bill Floyd brings home a whole line of people. One of us says: “Now it’s our turn [to go out to some lame movie].” I say: “I don’t want to do that.’

March 1 dream:  My boss at work wants me to expand her left margin. She has Christian Science text under her papers. City spraying garbage and fumes on the street. I hold my breath. John F. there.

February 29 dream:  Shits in a.m. Bernie tabling at 18th & Castro with John F., Heidi, ellen, Scott, Taylor, Rick, Michael, Rotimi, Marjorie, Shana, Viola, Rob and his daughter, and me. See shirt: “Talk to the Pain.” Very windy day. Rick walks back to Mary’s with me. J to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Also Brandon. Safeway. #43 home. Blank 11 a.m. message when I get home.

February 29 dream:  Cleaning up. Unlocking lots of safes and dusting them, closing them, opening them.

February 29 dream:  Go to very nice relaxing law library with other old bastards(?) with group of people including Tom C. I get away from the group. Find interesting old book. Woman starts talking about Michael Douglas and then asks for my phone no.

February 28, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Bernie HQ. Smell odor which reminded me of France. Fantasize about moving there. See big ad which says: “Stay.” See endofyou.io. See Alvin, Ellen, Dan and Mary at Bernie HQ. Go to Muddy Waters. Barista asks me: “Where’s ‘Bernie’?” I say: “He’s at home resting.” #49 home. Sweet tattooed guy with his little hermana. Then very cute young guy who gets off at my stop. Go to Beep’s. Home. Drop and break glass.

February 28 dream:  Dream of my mother.

February 28 dream:  Getting ready to take flight somewhere. It may be a connecting flight.

February 27, 2020: Think maybe my back pain is related to the election as the cyst on my back was. Anonymous call around noon. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then Starbucks Portola. Barista calls me Tom. I say: “That’s okay. That’s my brother’s name.” Get burrito after. Then #43 home. Sit across from handsome Latino construction worker. I pledge to stay on ’til he gets off. He happens to get off at my stop. I enjoy seeing him walk away. He does a little dance. W.F. Home.

February 27 dream:  Trying to wrestle weapon out of Elizabeth Warren’s hands.

February 27 dream:  Take jacket not claimed by anybody. Start new temp assignment. Have a class tomorrow.

February 26, 2020:  101 with John F. Two hours at Rincon. BART to G.P. Brandon there. Jordan is barista, later replaced by baristo Daniel. #36 and #43 home.

February 26 dream:  Cars being readied for sale?

February 26 dream:  Packing up.

February 26 dream:  Visit house. See Steve Houston and other Steve. Both look good. One seems to come on to me. Guy ties loose rope around my leg. They are having big meeting in the house. I make up a salad.

February 26 dream:  In small town, ask direction to the P.O. so I can mail something off.

February 25, 2020:  Wake up thinking maybe my back pain is a coverup for prostate cancer fears or fear of fame or … Anonymous call around noon. Work on MSM, Chapters 17 and 18. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. Marcus at CVS. Then Starbucks Portola. Then leave. Then come back. Pretty woman at Starbucks give me the eye as I come in to use the restroom. I take shit. Demo debate begins. #43 home. Chest in in p.m.

February 25 dream:  Creepy guy just wouldn’t stop. Even though I had him tied up.

February 25 dream:  A group of us workers saying good night after our first day together. One says to me: “You’re quite the guy.” Another: “You’re opening up.”

February 25 dream:  My father jumped off a building to kill himself. I heard it first. Then I saw him. Harriet had already died.

February 24, 2020:  Catch up on BB and emails. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Mt.D. Marcos at CVS. Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Two black guys make sure I get a seat. Then I offer 3rd black guy on crutches my seat. He said he was trying to move his backpack, I think.

February 24 dream:  I was trying to tell Cenk Uygur that Susan Lovett told me that Amy Goodman wanted to invite him to appear at her next class. I sit down next to Zoë Robinson who had some connection to Amy and reminded me.

February 24 dream:  To celebrate birthday of little girl, my idea is to give everybody toy instruments and play “Happy Birthday” to her. I am shy about proposing my idea, but share it with one woman Then feel stronger about the idea.

February 23, 2020:  Taking shower this a.m., RHSing my father. My heart starts to race uncontrollably. Bernie tabling with Heidi, Angeline, Abby, Matthew, Suzanne, Taylor (plus 2 or 3 people who just stopped by to help her and offer us free Philz coffees), Jimmy, Rick, Andreas, Sara and me (12 of us). Heidi surveyed 13 people on the Bern app. I canvassed 1 person. Rick saved the day with a new supply of stickers and buttons. Talked with Dan (the potter) afterwards. He says: “I don’t know what I’m doing.” I say: “In regard to selling or making?” “Both,” he says. I love him. Then to Spike’s. Then #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. #36 and walk home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Duality of right and wrong keeps people disagreeing and prevents coming to compromise. My conclusion: Truth is the Great Work, the Great Mission, the singularity of Rightness, everyone/everything indivisibly expressing Itself, always compromising (i.e., always agreeable, always pleasing, irrepressibly happy working together).

February 23 dream:  My book being used by political activists as a way to encourage participation in a just society.

February 23 dream:  Try to close the blinds before my stepmother gets home. New newspapers in the way. Mayor Pete sitting in his underpants. Stepmother wants me to help bring in groceries but just says she wants to see me.

February 23 dream:  One old woman and several old men on bus to water area of San Diego. Then I get a promotion at work and an office in Room 402.

February 23 dream:  Rehearsals done. Getting in place for the show.

February 22, 2020:  Bernie tabling with John F., Rick, Heidi, Caleb, Athena, Sam, Max, Suzanne, Marjorie & Shana, Abby & Ozzie, and Scott and me. Marjorie brought snacks and a great soundtrack (Bob Dylan, John Lennon, the Strokes). Mayor Pete on one side. Girl Scout cookies on the other. 10 people surveyed on the Bern app. 9 canvassed. See Scott Shafer from KQED-FM. Afterwards, guy asked me: “Was there a Bernie event? I saw a whole bunch of people with Bernie stickers on.” That was us. #35 to G.P. Daniel at C.B. (also Brandon and his girlfriend though I didn’t talk with them). Walked to Safeway. Jun busy with customer. Myka at Express Lane.

February 22 dream:  Attend play where children pretend to be dead and are covered with green boughs. I’ve seen the play before. Didn’t like it much.

February 22 dream:  Working on notes for Translation class. Expand upon subject of space ’cause that’s where we’re going.

February 21, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. K to City Hall to vote. Meet guy with French horn on the K. Then beautiful dark smiling man entering Van Ness station. Then I vote. Feel really good afterwards. Walk to 8th & Market. Then all the way up Market to Starbucks Portola. Meet Franklin and other baristo there. #43 home. Realize my always wanting to move may be habit formed when I was living in Saratoga. Two blank phone messages when I get home from 3:48 and 3:51 p.m., about the time I was voting.

February 21 dream:  Big meeting with Bernie supporters and captains. Three different parts of the effort. (h.o.)

February 21 dream:  In very clean Chinese resto, getting ready for Bernie tabling. Then there is a bus in the resto.

February 20, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Anonymous call in a.m. Go to Target on Masonic. Find great jacket but too small and no longer on order. (Get paper cut trying it on.) Go to downtown Target. Nothing there. Go to 13th & Folsom Target. Nothing there but cute Asian guy with tight butt who took a liking to me. He lifted up his shirt while I called yet another Target. (*Relates to sudden shits from hier about 6 p.m.?) Then Target at 225 Bush. Very nice and helpful black guy there. BART home. W.F. Order jacket online.

February 20 dream:  Walk thru store with lots of beautiful Van Gogh cards, etc. Have to walk past two “scary” shaking toy dragons to leave store. I think: “That could really scare somebody.”

February 19, 2020:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Cold. Two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. #35 to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Jesse at Railroad Expresso on #43 home. Publish MSM Chapter 16. Then shits around 6 p.m.

February 19 dream:  Dream of the Democratic race.

February 19 dream:  Unfrightened rats at Japanese house of ours.

February 19 dream:  Move to Texas. No job. No place. Stay at motel with friend. Kind of don’t hate Texas.

February 18, 2020:  Work on MSM Chapter 16. 1-1/2 ring call at 3:30ish. In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. and Starbucks Portola. “Christ” guy (from February 6) at CVS. Read more Harry Potter. Insight about last nite’s dream: Me being on trial for my mother’s death being related to my back pain? Am I punishing myself for my egocentric reaction to her death? Was Lucia’s touch of my lower back the act of kindness which I couldn’t allow myself? Also Jane Kennedy’s kind look one day at 101 Market. Which is why I was so willing to be my father’s slut? #43 to W.F. Two cute guys on board. Transexual at deli? Cute guy on checkout line. See “Not Yet.”

February 18 dream:  Write check to “Hollywood Reporter.” I cruise guy on roof. He threatens to throw me off. Then someone starts sucking his dick. I grab his ass. He lets me. I get hard.

February 17, 2020:  In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then Mollie Stone’s. Cute Asian checker (who had been standoffish before) and I connect. Starbucks Portola. Read more Harry Potter. #36 to Monterey. Walk home. Pakwan resto.

February 17 dream:  Group of us being tried or at least questioned in murder case. Not sure if I’m off the hook or not. My back pain may be connected.

February 16, 2020:  Bernie tabling with Ali, Terek, Jenny, Keenahn, Artie, Laurel, Taylor, Ed and me. Hard day. Ed freaks out over Bernie corgi sticker. Everybody paired up with people they came with, leaving me kind of out in the cold. Nice talk with Dan (the clay potter) after. Then go to Mary’s. Then J to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Distant hawks at G.P. #23 to Gennessee. Beautiful black bus driver who liked my “Bernie.” Walk and #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Social media addiction reveals people’s need for confirmation but does not reveal truth. My conclusion: Truth confirms Itself, is socially addicted to Itself, wants for nothing but Its own Self-revealing lack of in-betweenness. Insight: My father beating me after my kiss with Kathy W., not about upsetting my step-mother, as he claimed. It was about upsetting him and betraying our so-called relationship.

February 15, 2020:  Bernie tabling with John F., Rotimi, Heidi, Scott, Taylor, Marjorie and her daughter Shana, Ellen, Ed, Jason and me. Mary stopped by as did Elliot. Michael sang and played on his uke an original Bernie Sanders song, which Marjorie videoed. Marjorie also took several photos. Heidi and Rotimi surveyed 31 people between them on the Bern app. Talk with Tommi Avicolli-Mecca. Go to Mary’s. Met Darcy, Mary’s grown daughter. Meet Jake outside. (*Relates to Julia Roberts dream of February 14?) #35 to G.P. on board with Alan Blackman. Daniel (and Brandon) at C.B. Ricardo at Safeway. Myka not there. Very hot maintenance guy at W.F.

February 15 dream:  Dreaming about Bernie report.

February 14, 2020:  In ’til noonish. VA appointment at 1:40 p.m. Attractive female resident. Stayed ’til 3:10 or so. #29 home. Began reading Harry Potter. Made me feel good. Stopped at McD’s. Call from Comcast in p.m. (*Relates to first dream of February 12?)

February 14 dream:  Return to my nice, clean apartment in the upper Castro. Not much food in the house. Eat last bowl of cereal. Cute young cops drive by just outside my window. I smile at them. There is big wound on my chest outside my heart, but I know my heart is fine. It’s just an outer wound.

February 14 dream:  Meet a male version of Julia Roberts. Then have dinner with him and another male couple.

February 13, 2020:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then Starbucks Portola. Then home. Still recovering from cold. 134 clicks on the BB.

February 13 dream:  Dressed nicely, about to have sex with prostitute in L.A. We have to wait a few hours. I think: “I’d rather just drive home to S.F.”

February 12, 2020:  Realize my cold is probably related to my grief over realizing what my father did to me back in ’56 or so. Got two calls when I was in the shower, thinking about this. 101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Two hours at Rincon. BART to G.P. Jordan and Brandon at C.B. Waiting for #23, see “UFO” in the sky. Talk with guy next to me about it. He told me it looks like helicopter they were filming on Sunday nite for new Matrix movie. Cute young guy on #23. #43 home. Blank message from 10:19 a.m. just about a minute or so after I left apt. in a.m.

February 12 dream:  I ride in tech bus to south of Market area. Very scary area, then very nice but sterile area. I accidentally track down where John H. lives and works. There’s an office door with “John C. H*******” written on it. And he’s right there working at a computer. He looks good. His hair is combed back and reddish. His boss comes over and is very “handsy” with J. I think they’re together. Then some other guy appears. He’s unsmiling, hard, kind of unyielding. J’s boss says: “Our boy has a date tonight.” I say: “Well, I’ll just have to wait.” And I ride off triumphantly on my bike with my fist in the air.

February 12 dream:  Students very concerned about deans of school. I know they weren’t always deans. They were just students like us.

February 11, 2020:  Hard nite last nite. In ’til 3ish. Work on MSM Chapter 16. Walk to Mt.D. and Starbucks Portola. Watch N.H. returns. Walk home. Bernie wins N.H.!

February 11 dream:  Livia M. having hard time remembering where she is. She tries to get up.

February 10, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Realize that I was wrong hier when I thought there was a connection between me being in pain when lying down and the word “lying,” as in not telling the truth. Realize that probably is not true. That my back pain while lying down is probably my body’s way of telling me that, yeah, it really did happen and it happened when you were lying down. Go to CVS Portola. Cute cashier there. Then Mollie Stones. Then Starbucks Portola. Guy comes up to me and wants to shake my hand ’cause of the Bernie T-shirt I was wearing. I say: “My hand are wet. I just went to the bathroom.” He said: “That’s okay.” Turns out he’s a Berniecrat. Walk to Mt.D. Hear owl. Walk to Monterey and #43 home.

February 10 dream:  Friend going to George’s commune at end of work day. I’d never heard of George’s commune.

February 9, 2020:  Bernie tabling at 18th & Castro with Heidi, Scott, Lillie (and her blind dog Fig), Patrick, Taylor. With cameo appearances by Darrow and Rick. Street guy asks Patrick: “Are you straight?” Patrick says: “Yes.” Guy says: “Why?!?!” Talk with Mary afterwards. Then J to G.P. Zeph and Sudoku there. Then BART to Balboa. Sweet guy at G.P. BART. Walk home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Telling lies (and believing lies) is misleading and we might not be able to brake the resultant behavior. My conclusion: Truth is innate all-knowing, always telling the Truth, always believing the Truth, the reality of grandeur, the unbrakeability and unbreakability of Truthful behavior. In looking up the word “lie,” realized the connection between my pain while lying and the concept of “lying.” Still haven’t figured out what I’m lying about. (*No. See diary of February 10.)

February 9 dream:  Walk thru J’s place while he’s there. Later see him on path. Hope he’ll invite me to party. (h.o.)

February 9 dream:  Gathering together 3 or 4 people, including nice guy Willam DeFoe, to kill some overlords and free a people.

February 8, 2020:  Bernie tabling at 18th & Castro with John F., Ellen, Suzanne and Taylor. Talk briefly with Terry Beswick from Mayor Pete’s campaign. Meet Simba, young black man from Charlotte, NC., who wanted to know places to visit in the Castro. Biden-supporter Patrick said he is switching to Mayor Pete but he took a Bernie sign from me. 15 people canvassed. Extremely high after tabling. After, ran into Matt from SF Berniecrats and his father on their way to Mary’s. Talk with Mary and others returning from canvassing at her place. Then J to G.P. Zeph and Brandon at C.B. Myka at Safeway. Plus Safeway worker who I spoke with hier at W.F. Asian guy at Monterey & Gennessee. Very nice to me. When I leaned over, I fantasized about him checking out my ass and I felt like slugging him. (My father used to say to me, “Why don’t you just hit me?” Was it because he knew he deserved it?)

February 8 dream:  Guy at work accuses me of things I didn’t do.

February 7, 2020:  VA appointment at 11:30 a.m. My podiatrist, Jonetta, was a Bernie supporter, so that was cool and unexpected. Go to La Promenade on Balboa. Then walk thru G.G. Park to 9th & Judah. #43 to W.F. and home.

February 7 dream:  Move to Vegas. Everyone is dressing up to look good and have sex. Also move to new apt. When I see apt. in the back near trees, I ask for that one instead.

February 7 dream:  Moved to place a few blocks across the border of Mexico. Lived with Bea Arthur. She was watching one of her favorite shows of hers about how the unconscious mind works. I go into the living room to get a better look. Think it will be great for the BB.

February 6, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Beautiful (not cold) day. Walk to Mt.D. White flag no longer flying there. Walk on to Starbucks Portola. Hear coyotes in background. Young man at CVS. I asked him about his arm tattoo. It was something about Christ being his strength. I said, “That’s great.” Starbucks Portola. Then walk home via Mt.D. Hear owl. Realize on way down that I might have been having an OBE (out of body experience) when looking at myself in my father’s bed. (BTW, my father’s nickname was “Obe”.) Cute young guy at Beep’s as I was waiting for my veggieburger.

February 6 dream:  List of two recent debts.

February 6 dream:  Fantasize about stopping a guy and fucking (repay?) him.

February 6 dream:  Leaving gym. Fully dressed woman jokes with naked man. Man says: “Take all the time you need.” Woman cruises him and says: “Even I thought that was a little weird.”

February 5, 2020:  Go to 101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Very cold. Then two hours at Rincon. Met Sanghoo Yang from Korea. He’s in the beer business. Wants to make $2 billion and give $1 billion to his university. His beer is called “The Booth.” Then go to Muddy Waters and read more from Waking the Tiger. Then Berniecrats meeting at Redstone Building. Sat next to Greg and his 5-y-o daughter Gwen. Mary, Ben, Jason, Patrick and others there. It was a two hour meeting. On #49 home find out Bernie is only .1 behind Buttedgeedge.

February 5 dream:  Talking about murder mystery story with someone.

February 5 dream:  Nannie saying: “The city makes me tired.”

February 4, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Work on MSM Chapter 15. Still waiting for complete results from Iowa. Walk to library. Then up to Mt.D. White flag still flying on top. Go to Starbucks Portola. Then back to Mt.D. and #43 and home.

February 4 dream:  Everything seems to be put in its proper place. Situation normal?

February 4 dream:  Working with some friends I hadn’t worked with in a while. One was wearing no pants in the back.

February 4 dream:  An old woman comes up to our stand and says she wants a bitter, a sorrow, and a fruit app. Earlier I am eyeing some woman’s breasts.

February 3, 2020:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Bernie HQ. Francis there. Met cute, sweet young man who sold me some Bernie window signs. Other people I know. They were watching CNN so I take #49 home. (*Relates to “Boring!” dream of February 1?)

February 3 dream:  Day after drunken party, someone asks me: “You know that college guy?” I say: “No.” They say: “I think he liked you.”

February 3 dream:  Rushing to meet someone. Forget my library book? (*Relates to call from J. on February 4?)

February 2, 2020:  Tabled at 18th & Castro with Suzanne, Ellen, Tom, Taylor, Ed and “Bernie.” See Greg Cassin there. Also meet Francis, fellow Bernie canvasser in the neighborhood. We have a “date” to meet up tomorrow night to watch Iowa returns. Take supplies back to Mary’s Then #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. BART and #8 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Persons/memories deliberately lie, steal, abuse, and use violence due to greed and personal gain. My conclusion: The property of Truth is all that can be remembered, all that can be intended, all that can be utilized: the perpetual motion of harmonious energy in the midst of infinite plenty.

February 2 dream:  Friends teasing old gay man in prison.

February 2 dream:  Peeing with guy at urinal. He climbs out the window. I say: “Is that how it’s done?” Later at table, people next to me are impressed by my connection with mobster Tommy.

February 2 dream:  At remote train stop in Europe we are informed of an undercover house of prostitutes for men and women. Someone says: “At this stop, everything’s got to happen.”

February 2 dream:  Cute guy I liked took me to place with lots of strange food. He said I didn’t have to eat it. I said: “Good,” and spit it out. Went with him to other places. Lots of gay men there (in black & white). I wondered if J. would ever hang out with those guys. I said to my friend: “Why are you alone? No, not why do you live along? Why are you eating alone?” He says: “No. I’m starving.”

February 1, 2020:  Tabling with John F., Taylor, Scott, Ed and “Bernie.” Met Nicholas from Germany who told Scott he was transexual. Taylor got accosted by libertarian who said to her: “You said you wanted to take away money from billionaires!” Taylor looked to me. I got between them. Then Ed came by. Then Scott came by. Man finally left when Scott said, “You’re against taxation for everyone. You think taxation is theft.” After thinking about it, I think what’s underneath his alleged hatred for taxation is the fear that somewhere somehow people of color will be advantaged. #35 to G.P. Seth and friend at C.B. Also Brandon with his girlfriend. Walk to Safeway. Myka at Safeway. Walk home. Work on BB. Cute, friendly guy at Safeway who went out of his way to help me find parmesan cheese.

February 1 dream:  Legal assistant tricked out of being part of family(?) I looked on.

February 1 dream:  Cleaned out my right ear which had a dental brush in it.

February 1 dream:  Someone yelling “Boring!!!” at me.

January 31, 2020:  Meet with Steve Hines at McDs. It’s a great meeting. He shared his enlightenment experience of 1969 in Albany, Oregon. Also from est: If you experience something, experience it totally. Re Carol Carter: “I remember everything.” Home ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan (and Brandon) at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mollie Stones Portola. Stand and wait behind cute guy in line even thought two other cashiers invited me to their checkout lines. Walk to Mt.D. Someone planted a white flat on top. Guy I followed briefly on way down.

January 31 dream:  I say about AOC: “At least we still have our little toe.” She thanks me. I say: “Did I say that?” (*Relates to SF Super Bowl loss on February 2 or Iowa caucus breakdown of February 3?)

January 31 dream:  Wake up feeling bad that I wasn’t a good enough sex object for my father.

January 30, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Arizmendi. Pick up gluten-free bread. New worker there. Then N to Cole Street. Talk to beautiful Asian man on my way out about book he was carrying: Behave. See Daniel and Royale at Peet’s Cole Valley. Speak briefly with Daniel. #37 and K home. See Jesse at W.F. cafe. Read more Waking the Tiger in p.m. Insights: I had a disassociation in memory of being in my father’s bed. Realized my memory is of looking down at his bed. Could it have been an out-of-body experience of disassociation? I think so. (*Relates to finding $100 bill on January 25?) Another insight: Gas-lighting can also be positive gas-lighting, like, “Oh, we love you so much, blah, blah, blah.” Pushing one to believe it’s true, even though it may just be talk.

January 30 dream:  At kitchen sink, washing dishes. Then the water fills the whole kitchen up to my waist.

January 30 dream:  Long winding lines of people in Stonestown parking lot.

January 29, 2020:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Pretty good day. Then two hours at Rincon. Then K to Castro. #35 to G.P. Owners at C.B. Also Brandon. Give $100 bill from January 25 to guy sitting on the street. #23 and #43 home. Cruise cute, short, construction worker as I leave #43. W.F. not happening. Get text from Steve Hines. He’ll be here a few more days.

January 29 dream:  Me and others fighting with somebody in the fog, somebody we couldn’t see very well. (*Relates to fighting with my father? Also: Me being pee-shy relates to my father’s sexual abuse of me?)

January 29 dream:  Joe Biden is cheating in his campaign. Electricity goes off in apartment I’m staying in but not elsewhere. I was watching very interesting program and transcribing poem with “H…” in one column and “…is” in another column, referring to “His.” I try to report it.

January 28, 2020:  6:14 a.m. (ish) call from anonymous caller. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph and Mae at C.B. Then get call from Steve Hines. So he comes up, picks me up and we (mostly he) talk for over an hour in his car at the McD’s parking lot. Run into my Spanish-speaking friend on the way out. I ask him his name: “Como se llama?” He says: “Henry.” I say: “Miguel.” Charlie at W.F.

January 28 dream:  In a forest community with only major newspapers from major cities. No local papers.

January 27, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Get email from Steve Hines who’s lost in downtown S.F. So we meet up. Go to McD’s. I see my Spanish-speaking friend from hier. Get call for John Pinkerton while at McD’s. I said: “I’m talking with someone else right now.” Feel really good afterwards. Nathan at W.F. Read more Waking the Tiger in p.m.

January 27 dream:  9 of us standing in 3 rows. Some of us decide to do a comic bit while responding to leader.

January 27 dream:  Thane, Carol Carter, Scot Loomis join seminar on dance and all kinds of other things.

January 26, 2020:  Bernie tabling with Scott, Ed, Taylor, Aleece, Ashley, Elliot and me. Warren people next to us. Very productive day. Fell in love with Elliot. Take stuff back to Mary’s. Then #35 to G.P. Cute guy reading Saladin. We talk briefly. Zeph at C.B. #23 to Monterey. Then walk home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Power leads to money which leads to covert acts of corruption. My conclusion: Truth is the incorruptible flow of power, money, and ability, housed everywhere, hidden everywhere, the only way.

January 25, 2020:  Go to Mary’s at 11 a.m. Then to 18th & Castro. Find $100 bill on 15th Street. John F. and Scott at 18th & Castro. Then take table, etc. back to Mary’s. Then #35 to G.P Zeph at C.B. Walk to Safeway. Myka at Safeway. He calls Joe Rogan the Oprah Winfrey of frat boys. Walk home. Then run to library just in time before it closes. Go to McD’s. Speak Spanish to one of the workers.

January 25 dream:  Furious at office which misplaced my driver’s license. They couldn’t even give me the address of the place where I have to go to replace it. They had to do some alchemical thing to get it. Beautiful shirtless man exercising and jumping into water. Other men trying to comfort me, lean their heads on my shoulder.

January 25 dream:  H.o. dream about something.

January 25 dream:  Dreamt about teaching Translation.

January 24, 2020:  Call rings 4 times at about 8:30 a.m. I am half awake and don’t even realize it ’til later. (*Relates to murder of crows from January 22 and heart flutter from earlier this a.m., I think.) #49 to Tommy’s Joint for John F. birthday lunch with John, Alyson, Rick and Lucas. Had salmon and a really good time. Condom machine over toilet in the bathroom. After, went to Starbucks to read Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. Met Daniel, GMAT student. Then walk to 19th & Castro. Beautiful out-of-towner at 19th & Castro. Didn’t want to go after him in front of J’s store. #35 to G.P. Then #23 and #43 home. Meet Luke on #23. He listens to Pod Save America. Blank phone message from 3:37 p.m. when I get home. Insight: My trauma was realizing that my family was not my real family. “God” was my real family.

January 24 dream:  In ’81 I’m starting temp job with firm I worked for in ’78. They showed me my old records(?) I have to start work at 8 a.m. every morning.

January 24 dream:  Give some little kid my autograph.

January 23, 2020:  #29 to VA appointment at 10 a.m. Leave home about 8:30 a.m. When I get home see blank phone message from 9:44 a.m. 2 or 3 cute Asian school boys on #29 on way. Then interesting black guy sitting near me. Angel at VA removes my sutures. #29 home. Beautiful, hot straight guy with long straight blond hair sits near me. Then I see his sparkly finger nail polish on all his fingers. So I decide I’ll stay with him ’til he gets off. He got off at my stop and headed for CCSF. He was unsmiling on the bus, but afterwards there was the faintest whiff of a smile as he ran his hand through his blond hair. Sarah at W.F. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Meet David at Starbucks Portola. I move my seat to sit next to him. I see him studying diarrhea on his laptop. I say: “Are you a medical student?” He says: “Yes.” We talk for several minutes. Then he goes back to studying. Then as he is leaving we talk some more. Finally he slips in: “. . . Me and my wife . . .” Hear owl on Mt.D. on way home.

January 23 dream:  Dreaming about back problem.

January 23 dream:  Try to work with guy. He says he can’t work with my family Others in town are disappointed too. One guy who used to be paid poorly is now paid well ’cause he has to pay for the dividends of his bosses.

January 22, 2020:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Then two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. #35 to G.P. Murder of crows on the way. Zeph at C.B. #23 and #43 home.

January 21, 2020:  Call from “Publishers Clearing House” in a.m. I won $3.2 million dollars and one 300 C class Mercedes-Benz! All I have to do is send a cashier’s check for $750. Work on MSM Chapters 14 and 15. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Follow friendly, cute Asian guy who was looking for cigarettes. Then walk to Mt.D. Starbucks Portola. #36 to Monterey. Yellow-vested guy smiles at me as I’m thinking of withdrawing my monthly contribution to Bernie for not standing behind Zephyr Teachout’s indictment of Biden as legally corrupt. #43 to W.F. and home. Find 3:30 p.m. blank message on getting home.

January 21 dream:  Prisoners take over the jail. Threaten to kill their keepers, but just humiliate them by cutting off their shirts at the shoulder.

January 21 dream:  Children’s parade entry called “ToDay” cancelled.

January 21 dream:  Woman follows for source of river in Virginia Beach, VA.

January 20, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Get haircut at Jun’s. Then Safeway. Then see Jesse at Railroad Expresso. Then W.F. Then home. Jerk off. Insight: I eat chocolate to spite my father?

January 20 dream:  Gay hustler and I talking. He wants me to help him publish some articles he has in mind. Older man sitting near us. I say, “What kind of articles?” Lots of cum splashing on local area.

January 20 dream:  Order pancakes and coffee. Leave resto. My friends have left town. I’m stranded in beautiful seaside heights area. Later Alan Alda asks my help. He says: “I heard your apt. burned down.” I said: “Not that I know of.”

January 19, 2020:  Bernie tabling at 18th & Castro from 12:30 to 3:00 p.m. with Ed and Mary. Very moved by young Trump supporter who was polite, cute, sincere and only somewhat interested in Bernie. After, walk with Mary to her place. Then back to Castro. #35 to G.P. Cute, sweet owner’s son at C.B. Then walk with “Bernie” to Safeway. Myka there. #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Excessive divergence of belief causes discordance that is insurmountable. My conclusion: There is no divergence of belief in Mind: Mind is the one Cause, the one Heart, insurmountably harmonious. OR: Mind is of one Mind.

January 19 dream:  Trying to get rid of guy who said he’d be, oh, so helpful.

January 19 dream:  At dance/exercise class with drill instructor with muddy hands, beautiful/well-dressed men and women. We did a lot of partner switching. Woman who changes partners with me smells arm of handsome guy before me.

January 19 dream:  Convention of clever people.

January 19 dream:  Me with a whole bunch of cords attached to my back.

January 18, 2020:  Bernie tabling with John F. at 18th & Castro. Then dinner with Ricardo, Ken, Antonio and Richard form 3:30 to 8:30 p.m. On walk to Castro Station afterwards with Antonio and Richard, sweet young guy unexpectedly smiles at me. Shits when I get home.

January 18 dream:  Visiting fancy resort in Seattle.

January 18 dream:  Moving talk about Jesus coming to local library.

January 17, 2020:  VA appointment at 1 p.m. with my friend Dr. Hewitson. Then Muni to G.P. Zeph at C.B. I offer Sudoku the seat across from me and he eventually accepts. #36 to Jun’s hair salon. He’s busy with two women so I agree to come back on Monday. Pakwan resto and home. Insight: Parents gas-lighted me. Now I’m gas-lighting myself.

January 17 dream:  Finish a job in Santa Cruz. More work available there if someone is interested and available.

January 17 dream:  Am at get-together at my parents’ new place. I start cleaning things up ’cause I don’t know what else to do. I think I’m finished. Someone says they’ll show me what needs to be done. I say: “It’s hard to figure out what’s an art project and what just needs cleaning up.”

January 16, 2020:  Go to VA for 10 a.m. appointment. It’s pouring rain when I go out the door. Two young guys rush ahead of me to back seat I was eyeing. Later I forgave them after seeing how cute one of them was. Really nice lady at VA changing the bandage on my back. Stop at La Promenade on Balboa. #31 and #29 home. Follow cute guy in W.F. Then go to W.F. cafe. Woman in line behind me and Sarah and I talk about Warren/Sanders spat. Woman says a girlfriend got a bloody nose over it. Work at home ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. and back home. Random thought on my walk: Perhaps even Bernie’s heart attack was related to Warren’s attack. That may be a stretch, but to me, worth considering. Things don’t happen by accident.

January 16 dream:  Someone in line I’m standing next to says: “I think they’ll take Hillary seriously.” I say: “Well, I think they took her pretty seriously last time since she won [the popular vote] by 3 million votes.” A younger, cuter, Elliott D. kisses me.

January 16 dream:  Tom O. gets in fight with my tall, gay, dandy friend from Farmers Insurance. At home, Tom takes a lot of shots. I try to take care of him.

January 15, 2020:  101 with John F. Two hours at Rincon Plaza. Then #49 to Bernie HQ. Run in to Mary there, just like I ran into her just as she was coming out of her house on Sunday, January 12. #49 home. W.F. cafe. Realized in p.m. what the cyst (knife) in my back is all about. I know this may seem far-fetched, but I think it relates to my identification with Bernie and his being stabbed in the back in last night’s debate by Elizabeth Warren. Now if only I could figure out about my back pain is all about. (*Woman in W.F. cafe on 1/16 told me about a girlfriend who got a nose bleed over it.)

January 15 dream:  Thane giving a talk about how this course hasn’t been taught in 10 years. And that some in the media don’t want us to do it. I marvel at how important he can make even little things seem.

January 15 dream:  Whole company moved to new neighborhood.

January 14, 2020:  Two calls from J. in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Then to Mt.D. Think of this 5th step conclusion: “Truth always wants to be fucked by Truth. Truth always wants to fuck Truth.” Then down to Monterey Blvd. #43 to W.F. My friend from hier not there. Watch debate in p.m. Then rest of Obama/Trump Frontline program.

January 14 dream:  Someone asks someone else about their book.

January 14 dream:  Get haircut by woman in library who I don’t like. I get up from my chair and leave.

January 13, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Then on to Mt.D. Hear and see 3 distant hawks on the way down. #43 to Bookstore stop. Then W.F. Run into same guy I saw on January 11. Stood in line behind him. Then berated myself later for not talking to him. Watch Frontline program about Obama/Trump in p.m.

January 13 dream:  Guy feeding us also had two big cans of gas on his cart. I thought it was to kill us with.

January 12, 2020:  Bernie tabling with Heidi at 18th & Castro. Arrive at Mary’s just as she is walking out the door. Patrick still stick. See woman with sash around her. I ask her what it says. It says: “Bride to Be.” After, go to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Then #36 to Safeway with “Bernie.” Talk briefly with Myka. Translation group in pm. Sense testimony: Powerful people abuse power and disrupt and corrupt democracy. My conclusion: The whole population rules the whole population through the indomitable utilization of omnipotent Truth, orderliness, honesty and honor.

January 12 dream:  Am about to have sex with woman in nice dress and bomber jacket. I turn up the thermostat. Someone says to her: “Don’t worry. It’ll heat up.” She says: “Oh, I think so.”

January 12 dream:  The Prosperos offices are being reconstructed. Lots of construction. Lots of new young people.

January 11, 2020:  Shits in a.m. Bernie tabling at 18th & Castro with John F., Heidi, Bradley, Kevin, Emma, Tyler, Simi, Pedro, Charlotte, Tanner and me (11 people). Scott Shafer from KQED-FM interviewed some of us. After, take #35 to G.P. Zeph and Suduko there. Then walk to Safeway. Feel very happy. #43 home. Then go to library and 7-11 to find CalPers letter I lost hier. Then to W.F. Cute guy smiles at me and vice versa on leaving. Blank phone message from 2:41 p.m. when I get home.

January 11 dream:  Someone throws acid at a cartoon character and now he no longer has a face.

January 11 dream:  Trying to find a place to sleep. Go into living room. Everyone else follows. I brush my teeth. Woman asks about cruelty to plants.

January 10, 2020:  In ’til 4:30ish. Had tough nite last nite since I couldn’t sleep comfortably due to my cyst removal operation hier. Got a lot of work done on BB, OSF, Zontaphotos. Then go out to run some errands. Stop by W.F. Rush towards good-looking cashier who ignored me. Later ran into other guy at W.F. cafe who also was unimpressed by me. I later figured out the 1st guy was a forewarning of the 2nd guy. (Lost letter from CalPers.)

January 10 dream:  Keeping track of Bernie. I leave my apt. in the middle of the night. My neighbor gets up, too. I joke: “Step away, Heathen.” She is my stepsister Nancy, I think.

January 10 dream:  Homeless guy pays $10 to stay over one night in our hotel.

January 10 dream:  Left Tom O’s. He was eating lots of large strawberries and tomatoes. Find laptop on the path I took. It had directions to pick a song and send him back a message. I was trying to figure out how to do that at a spot where things were artificially(?)  sent to us and in fact now surrounded us. Guy said: “We’re a lot more together now.”

January 9, 2020:  In ’til 12:45 p.m. #29 and #38 to VA. #38 was excruciatingly slow, as was the operation to remove the knife in my back, I mean, the cyst on my back. Was under the knife for more than an hour. Uncomfortable because I felt kind of “shitty” throughout. Female nurse touching me made me want to hit her. After operation, went to bathroom and ran into cute guy. We kind of fell into each other’s eyes. Stopped at La Promenade Cafe on Balboa. Sat across from cute guy. Sat across from cute/sweet guy on #29. Later cute guy in W.F. smiled at me after I cruised him.

January 9 dream:  Richard Hartnett runs from William Fennie. Both are dogs. Another dog helps Richard and Richard thinks the other dog is hot, but “not now.”

January 9 dream:  In NYC. Don’t like it. Can’t find the right clothes to wear or the right food to eat. Go to Grandma Smith’s house. Look thru old family drawings that we did. She’s there. I say: “Hi, Grandma Smith.” She says: “What are you doing here?” I say: “Looking thru old family drawings.” She says: “So?”

January 9 dream:  Trip to London. Cross the Thames, I think.

January 8, 2020:  Shits in a.m. 101 with John F. from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. Pretty good day. Send text to John H. saying: “FYI: The League of PO’d Voters did NOT endorse Bernie.” (*Relates to shits in a.m.?)  Then head to Bernie HQ. Pick up paltry supplies after Holly ignores me for about 10 minutes. Left my clipboard behind. Go to Muddy Waters with “Bernie.”’ Then #49 home. Pain class in p.m. Last class of the series. Talked to Lauren from Toronto in break-out group.

January 8 dream:  Record of debt paid in full to bully who I used to have a relationship with. I made a special drawer for it. Woman said she wanted to be kept informed if there were any changes.

January 8 dream:  Get several gifts in the mail from family and friends.

January 7, 2020:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Stay there a while. Then on the Redstone Building at 16th & Mission. SF Berniecrats meeting at 7 p.m. Mary, Patrick, Ben, Brandon, Heidi, etc. Good meeting. Get #49 home right away. Sit next to cute guy even though there were many other seats available. He smiled at me as he got off at 30th & Mission.

January 7 dream:  In the Navy. Our two ships in port, side by side, flipped completely over. We were expected to get on board anyhow. So I jumped into this scooping thing and was about to join the others when it felt like I should wait for some sort of instructions.

January 7 dream:  Big hard-on dream.

January 7 dream:  Guy asks us on camera what we like about the news. I say: “Hope.” Earlier Phoebe (from Friends) in graduation gown. I tell her “Congratulations.”

January 6, 2020:  Dentist appointment at 1 p.m. Meet Danny, my dental assistant. I told him I liked his pink gloves. He said “Too bad they don’t have taste.” After he finished he said, “They’re all there.” I said: “Oh, you mean your fingers.” Walk to Castro. Then walk all the way up Market St. to Diamond Hts. and G.C.P. and G.P. Zeph and Brandon at C.B. At one point Brandon and Zeph are talking. I am very envious, though I don’t know of whom. #36 to Safeway. #43 home. Cute Asian guy I followed to the back of the bus. He sat across the aisle from very cute young white guy. I enjoyed the energy between them. Sent Claire Lau YouTube about “Male Privilege.” Possible snow in S.F. on TV news. Anonymous call in p.m.

January 6 dream:  Meeting of traditional religious groups on campus to discuss and send out mailer. (h.o.)

January 6 dream:  Meeting of alternative religious group. I thought it was just Christian Scientists but apparently was broadened. Pres. Trump on crutches visits. I talk to him. Tell him I had a dream about him and he was on crutches. Fetch two boxes of envelopes for him. He seemed interested in what we were doing.

January 6 dream:  Buy some pot at local shop which I later smoke. Me and Hanz walking to my place in S.F. I say: “Shit!” ’cause I see other old apt. bldg. on fire. We sit and watch fire. Kamala Harris stops by. My young nephew Jordan is with us. I can’t remember his name. I say to Kamala: “This is my brother’s son.” Jordan says: “I have another half.”

January 6 dream:  Comparing rooms with my neighbor Stephen Colbert. We both have a piano (he has four), etc. He also has 3 or 4 roommates. I have 2 or 3.

January 5, 2020:  Bernie tabling with Patrick and Rick at 18th & Castro. Next to Warren table and Mayor Pete table. We actually started talking with each other this time. Met fun Latino named Dennis. I told him all about FDR whom he had never heard of. Then try to get #35 but it wouldn’t be coming for 35 minutes so I took K home. Run into Dakota. Then home. Then run into Jared at library. Then Jesse at W.F. cafe.

January 5 dream:  Am about to present a class or workshop. Am not very prepared. Don’t have time to go over my notes ’cause I have to shower, etc. People get in line in front of me for the bathroom.

January 5 dream:  Get six or so packages in one day. Including $1.33 (or so) inheritance from 1953.

January 5 dream:  Several boys examine my eyes with Rube Goldberg-type gadget. I get up and say: “What did you see?” They go on to someone else.

January 5 dream:  Guy with knife is in our building. I call the cops. They say, “Is this . . . ?” I say: “No, it is Impossible, the place where cops rape the raped.” Black family in same room.

January 5 dream:  Move to new apt. at 1063 . . . . Mailbox leads to area with lots of free donuts.

January 5 dream:  Go to resort for a week. Didn’t really want to go at first, but now I don’t want to leave. Superman shows up. It’s raining when we have to leave. (h.o.)

January 4, 2020:  Bernie tabling with John F., Heidi, Ian and guy whose name I forgot. Guy comes up to us and says: “Don’t break it.” Also Jim B. and John H’s former boss. Then #35 to G.P. Two cute guys on board. Couldn’t decide which one I wanted. Uh, both. Zeph at C.B. #36 to Safeway. Black woman at Safeway says I’m better looking than Bernie (who I had on my T-shirt). #43 home. Hear “snowbound” on the movie Namesake.

January 4 dream:  Am part of new distribution center in center of the country.

January 4 dream:  Roseanne Barr and her male counterpart in yelling conversation that turns to laughing. He called someone a big fat fuck.

January 3, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. #43 to Arizmendi. Walk to Peet’s Cole Valley. Daniel there. #43 home. Cute/happy guy gets off at 4th Avenue. I hope he’s happy because of my attention. Sarah, Jesse, Charlie, cute gay guy, cute woman in bakery at W.F. Apt. feels very hot when I get home.

January 3 dream:  New big black guy is given two minutes in a therapy session. He takes longer. Someone criticizes him after. I stand up for him.

January 3 dream:  Racing along freeway. Corner where people try to make a game of dashing over to avoid cars. Then notice guy hanging on to my car and another car as he skates. Then arrive at destination. Look for address. Other guy tries to take something from my trunk. Guy on the freeway catches up and nails other guy.

January 3 dream:  School assignment. At first, I was not allowed to take text. Then teacher realized I had taken it before and allowed me to try to improve my score. Had to find 4 different foods which corresponds to 4 different food groups. I couldn’t figure it out.

January 3 dream:  Laurie going to be in a play this weekend.

January 2, 2020:  Get up early. Worked on BB and emails. Jerked off. 101 with John F. Call from guy who kept calling me “John” as he talked about my timeshares. Shirtless runner smiles at me. Also older black guy cruises me. 1-1/2 hour at Rincon. #14 to Bernie HQ. Translated: “I expect lack of cooperation.” My conclusion: “Truth expects Truth.” Then get phone call from Bernie campaign. Find out it was Holly from Bernie HQ who said she’d come right down and meet me. Also Translated: “I am at odds with my body.” My conclusion: “My body is of one mind.” #49 home. Cruised young guy at W.F. cafe and vice versa. Feeling “shitty” all day.

January 2 dream:  Some guy gives me custody of his boyfriend Mark in his absence. Then run into her with a painting. I ask her if she did it herself. She says she acquired it. Then run into young guy who looked a little lost.

January 2 dream:  Something coming up.

January 1, 2020:  Dinner with John F. and Rick at Tommy’s Joint. (Hear on news in p.m. that there were 12 births at Sutter Van Ness hospital, right next door, that day.) Then come home. Sarah and jesse at W.F. cafe. Shits on getting home. Worked on monthly BB update. See Mysterious Skin in p.m. (*Relates to first dream of 12/30?)

January 1 dream:  By enjoying sex with my father, I was betraying God? Garden of Eden: God throwing me out ’cause I enjoy sex?

December 31, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See Jun on Monterey Blvd. He beckons me into his salon. I want to hug him but see he doesn’t went that. (*Relates to hawk/crow from hier, I think.) Continue to G.P. Angelique at C.B. Her last day, she said. Also my old man friend. Let’s call him Sudoku since that’s what he does. Say goodbye to Angelique. Think I forgot my earphone plugs so I go back. Then find them in my pocket. Leave again. Run into beautiful blonde woman who smiles at me. I stick around until I am no longer afraid of her. Then on to G.C.P. Coyote there. Also hear hawk but don’t see him/her. Stop at Mollie Stones. Flirt with bagger. Mt.D. Stop by Beep’s. Houri wouldn’t even look at me, but ambulance siren just before I got my order.

December 31 dream:  Cenk and Jesus and others to play game over the weekend. I may have been invited as well. (h.o.)

December 31 dream:  Reviewing old movie of two people who get new apts. My apt. starts shaking and we evacuate, along with everybody else. The apt. building is a lone building under the freeway. Everybody is naked on leaving. Cute guy comes towards me at the end.

December 31 dream:  Guy singing takes off his jacket and he has no clothes on. He’s handsome but his cocks (or something) are hanging from his tits. New naked woman thinks he’s just singing naked for the attention.

December 30, 2019:  Work on MSM Chapter 13. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Hawk/crow on way. Car burglary scene at Portola parking lot. Then Mt.D. Then Safeway. Older guy smiling weirdly at me as I leave. Go to Beep’s. No Houri. Have to wait in line. Translate. Then I get my order right away, much to the chagrin of some who had ordered before me. Shits in p.m.

December 30 dream:  Guy pissing keeps other person trapped. In final scene, he pisses thru muddy water and the stream surfaces. Also Addendum II applications.

December 30 dream:  Driving backwards with guy in convertible cart, talking about other guy I just met. My friend says he demanded a certain kind of respect.

December 30 dream:  Picking up trash in three empty lots with freshly grown grass. Then went thru gate in muddy water with others. When I saw we were headed to a religious ritual, I bowed out, though my friend wanted me to stay.

December 29, 2019:  Still thinking about Hugh Dancy in his underwear from Hannibal last night. It felt more like I wanted to protect him than fuck him. In ’til 3ish. Rainy day. Walk to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Chubby guy at Starbucks Portola. Then Oakland Raiders fan on #36. Then Safeway. Then #43 home. Then fire sirens. Then see Houri again at Beep’s. He’s happy to see me. I’m happy to see him. He sold his $150 49ers tickets for $3,000 a piece. He told me his business plans briefly. I wished him luck. (BTW, a houri is a “a beautiful young woman, especially one of the virgin companions of the faithful in the Muslim Paradise.”) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Beliefs keep out-picturing in our lives until we no longer believe them. My conclusion: I believe that I am Reality, that I am whole, complete, perfect Mind knowing Itself as Mind, believing all things, permitting all things, loving all things, seeing through all things as the appearance, apparency of my/our own Being. From Hannibal tonight: “Certain traumas can arrest vocal development.” My upstairs neighbor returns home with a bang. (*See dream of December 28.)

December 29 dream:  Taking a photo of Kamala Harris’s campaign site, like an abandoned rose queen.

December 28, 2019:  Bernie tabling with Heidi, John F., Eric and me at 18th & Castro. (Accidentally walk in on woman in bed at Mary’s place, while picking up the literature.) Guy dancing at the corner. Some very beautiful men. One beautiful Asian man with dreads wrapped on top of his head. Walk table & literature back to Mary’s. Then “Bernie” and I walk back to the Castro. #35 to G.P. Zeph and Brandon at C.B. Then walk to Safeway. Then #43 home.

December 28 dream:  Trapped in old prison house. We were told if we broke the window that we could escape. We broke the window. Earlier we broke something else. I said: “We aren’t ever going to get out of here, are we?” The warden said, “No.”

December 27, 2019:  Anonymous 6:30 a.m. call! In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Older and younger man pass me on my way up. I see them again on top. Then Starbucks Portola. Big guy in shorts smiles at me. #43 home. Houri at Beep’s Burgers. I asked his name, I tell him, ’cause he didn’t have his name tag on.

December 27 dream:  Big happy family reunion. Meet at garden in resto. Then at Nancy’s house. Her husband wants to take us flying or motorcycling. Tonight we go to see a movie. The cycling and airplane may kill us, I joke.

December 27 dream:  Have to wait in line to take a shit.

December 27 dream:  Helping with a group resume. Trying to get thru small space in building to deliver papers. Only I forgot the papers. Person with a lot of dogs.

December 26, 2019:  101 with John F. from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. Very cold. Lots of pigeon feeding. Lilly Beth gave me some flowers. Laugh openly at guy who tells me he’s Michael Bloomberg supporter. Also guy from Russia who takes selfie with me and “Bernie.” Bernie fan at Super Duper who told me he contributed $2800 to Bernie. Then two hours at Rincon, including half hour conversation with Yang supporter. Then F to Castro. On #35 to G.P. I slip and fellow passenger holds on to “Bernie.” I thank him. He says: “He’s our guy.” Other passenger agrees. I say: “Yeah, he is.” Mae, Khahn and other cute Asian guy at C.B. BART and #8 home. Jesse at W.F. Feel like I’ve lost a big chunk of my ego. See wonderful 3 hour National Geographic documentary about The Greeks in p.m.

December 26 dream:  Am not being listened to at trustee’s meeting. I sit in other room with some others and ponder my next move.

December 26 dream:  I am a giant in the land of Tinker toy trucks and motels.

December 25, 2019:  Finish MSM Chapter 12. In ’til 2ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Follow cute Asian guy on Ocean. Turn around and admire him. Starbucks Portola. Walk to Mt.D. Guy walking with large group smiles knowingly at me as I walk up path to Mt.D. Young guy on Ridgewood cruises me and vice versa.

December 25 dream:  Big financial grant to our school. My heart skipped several beats.

December 25 dream:  Getting ready to move out of apt.  Step on big but hollow cockroach.

December 25 dream:  I’m late for work at my first day as an Oakland policeman. Stop at Tenderloin resto which takes up the whole block. Meet waitress there who likes me. Then another. Should I tell her I’m gay?

December 24, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. #23 to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Coyote Lady and three coyotes. Dog goes after one of the coyotes. They spar a bit. Coyote Lady goes crazy. Mollie Stones. Barista at Starbucks Portola is the one who came onto me on September 25. Mt.D. New vegetable guy at W.F. There’s chocolate chunks in the vegetable section. I say to him: “Is chocolate a vegetable now?” He says: “At Christmas it is.” Buy some chocolate and speak with him again on the way out. Write “The Grinch Who Stole The Prosperos” in p.m.

December 24 dream:  Calvin had been doing a lot of research on the Army. I asked him about the Army/McCarthy hearings. (h.o.)

December 23, 2019:  Bad night last nite following 1 a.m. “earthquake” from upstairs apt. Then in ’til noonish. Take #29 and #38 to VA. Have psychic battle with male receptionist at Module 3 on my way in and things loosen up on my way out. Stop at Le Promenade Cafe on Balboa. Send text to caller from earlier in the day: “Missed ur call.” Fire sirens  follow. #31 to Parker. Follow cute guy with cute dog into G.G. Park. I begin conversation. I say: “All the new grass makes everything beautiful.” He says: “Yeah, everything’s fine now.” Photo on Haight Street store: “You know exactly what you have to do.” Take #37 to Castro. Then #24. Follow hustler-type guy off. Then pass him by. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. Too crowded. Run to catch #23. I follow beautiful h.s. student off at Foerster. See Jesse briefly at Railroad Expresso. Then #43 home. Guy looking for salad dress at W.F.

December 23 dream:  Wake up having sex with myself or anyone in general. I knew I was okay.

December 23 dream:  My boss at work, a trendy magazine, asks me what I think of myself sexually. I say: “Sometimes I think of myself as Gay, sometimes as bi. Usually I  think of myself as just there.”

December 22, 2019:  Bernie tabling from 12:30 to 2:30 p.m. I got there early and Mary got there late. It was just the two of us. Slow day but we had the primo corner spot at the corner of 18th & Castro. J’s former boss passes by. Also cute Asian guy comes rushing towards me. Dangerous homeless guy yelling and throwing things at 19th & Castro. #35 to G.P. Angelique at C.B. Also Walter. #36 to Safeway. See Myka for the first time in several weeks. What I thought was an earthquake at 1 a.m.-ish was my upstairs neighbor having a party. Hope this means they will be going away soon. It has happened that way in the past.

December 22 dream:  Guy says in my dream: “I’d like to tame you.”

December 22 dream:  My father being forgetful.

December 22 dream:  Guy jokingly threatens me at big parade I’m in. Lots of people attending.

December 21, 2019:  Bernie tabling with John F., Mary, me, Cat, Richard and Heidi at 18th & Castro. Black guy comes on to me. Take #35 to G.P. On way to C.B., cute Asian guy on Chenery says he likes my T-shirt. I wonder why he says nothing about my Bernie button and the Bernie cut-out I am holding. Then realize he may be coming on to me. Just then (Thanks, Universe! I’m saying sarcastically) an old friend from Occupy (Ben) appears out of nowhere and we catch up. Zeph and Khanh and Mae at C.B. Khanh is moving to Manhattan. I told him I tried three different times to move there but it never worked out. Khanh said he was glad I ended up here. Jesse at W.F. cafe. Lost Bernie volunteer list in p.m. Felt bad about it. Translated it.

December 21 dream:  Coming into a train station, we were forced to get out and get on again with the new passengers.

December 20, 2019:  In ’til noonish. #29 and #38 to VA. Got run-around ’til 3:45 p.m. When I reach Balboa, the VA calls me and asks if I’m still in the VA. I’m not. Guy at 25th & Balboa with “Dragon” T-shirt. Take #29 home. Rowdy bunch of h.s. girls. Then even-rowdier bunch of black kids. I pledged that no matter what they did, I would not budge from my seat. Felt better having done that. Jesse at W.F.

December 20 dream:  At very ritzy hotel bar. Very heterosexual.

December 19, 2019:  Feeling sick. But not as sick as I thought. In ’til 3ish. Walk up to Mt.D. Guy stops me on way. Says he thought my TYT T-shirt said TNT! Later elderly Asian woman runs up to me and says, “Happy Birthday.” (*Relates to breakthrough of some sort.) Go to Starbucks. Then #43 home. Jesse at W.F. cafe.

December 19 dream:  Help introduce Buttigieg to crowd in Vegas: “Ladies and gentlemen, here’s Elvis.”

December 19 dream:  Offering to help out loved guy with his election campaign.

December 19 dream:  Moving into Vantaggio Suites. Open up my room to friend who brings his entire family.

December 18, 2019:  Rain cancelled 101. In ’til 1ish. Guy on K who stayed on for only two stops. Rincon ’til 3:30. Choke on something and nearly die. Cute black guy on BART on way home. Feeling like I wanted to fight cyclist who brushed past me. Pain class in p.m. In sharing afterwards, realize I use the name Mike instead of Michael because I want to get used to being loved, even though I think I don’t deserve it.

December 17, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique there for 3rd day. She asks me if I have Xmas plans. I say: “To get through it.” There is note on only empty table. It says: “Read me. 12/17/19.” So I read it. It’s a love poem to an unnamed woman. I showed it to Angelique. I say: “I think this was meant for you.” When I left she had finally read it. And seemed convinced it really was meant for her. Brandon there also. Walk thru G.C.P. See distant coyote. Shits at Mollie Stones. Hear owl on Mt.D. Home.

December 17 dream:  Two burners on the stove heat up too hot and break. Susan Sarandon gets home and sees it eventually. Tom O. used to prepare onion rolls for Jo and Larry on that stove.

December 17 dream:  About to play the part of a boy in a short skit. I’ve forgotten my lines and me and Nancy Lee are going thru all my papers to look for it. It’s on an 8-1/2 x 8-1/2 page.

December 16, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. As I say good-bye, some hot guy is chatting her up. See my old man friend on way out. Walk thru G.C.P. No coyotes, but see Janet, the Coyote Lady. She says: “They’re getting ready to leave.” I say: “Are they going down the peninsula?” She says: “The kids will be going in about a month. The adults will stay. They own this area.”

December 16 dream:  Guy was watching porn in his office at work. Now he’s dead. His lover wants me to cry with him and feel his tits.

December 16 dream:  Heather and her partner and I are all copying from the same written page. I’m slower than they are so Heather goes to next page. We get in a little skirmish.

December 16 dream:  Michael Brooks has a hangover and wants me to hang out with him. I want to catch bus, which I do. It’s a Muni bus but no seats inside and very dumpy.

December 16 dream:  4th Way teacher talks with me. He’s very friendly with me. And I with him. He shows me his fat stomach, which I don’t want. Says he’ll see me later in December.

December 15, 2019:  9 a.m. H.W. meeting online. Brought up Article IV, Section 6 of Prosperos By-Laws. Bernie tabling with John F. and Mary at 18th & Castro. Patrick, the Biden supporter, there. Then walk to Mary’s house and back with John F. Meet (other) John with his dog Pono on Castro. #35 to G.P. Angelique there. #23 and #43 home. Jesse with his boyfriend at W.F. cafe. Call from “Private Number” in p.m. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People who espouse spiritual knowledge are especially responsible to embody those values. My conclusion: People is the embodiment of one true identity, the reward of one true identity, the joy of one true identity.

December 15 dream:  Looking at several apartments/houses, last one with screaming, crazy tenant. They say: “We didn’t want you anyway.”

December 14, 2019:  Go to 18th & Castro for Bernie tabling. Nervous Mayor Pete’s people will be there. Nervous Jason will be there. Nervous John H. will be there. Nervous John H. won’t be there. Get to 18th & Castro just as bake sale is leaving. Perfect timing. Mayor Pete doesn’t show up. Neither does John H. But Jason does, as well as John F., Mary and Drew, a Harvard graduate in religion who will be going back to Minnesota next week. Walked with him and Mary to take lit back to Mary’s house. Then I took #35 to G.P. Zeph, Khanh and Christian at C.B. Also Brandon. Felt very happy on way home. #36 to Safeway, #43 home. Several emails about ’98 Deanship crisis. Fire alarm in p.m. (*Relates to Sue B’s email about ’98 Deanship crisis hitting home with some current “power” brokers, I think.)

December 14 dream:  Running through some terrifying blocks of S.F. There are gangs. Wonder why there are no police. Climb up tree back of house. Looks like I make it. Others following. Person in house bemused by all the activity.

December 14 dream:  I’m working on a video or a magazine about boxing, even though I never used to like it. Go to talk by male boxer about him. They have a better sort of rat now in their new location.

December 13, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Rainy-ish day. Walk to G.P. Zeph and new baristo Khanh there. I tell Khanh his name has a lot of “h’s.” Walk home via O’Shaughnessy. Young loud hawk on the way. Mt.D. Pakwan and home. Everything seems to be coming to a head: my Bernie activity, my Prosperos activity and my relationship with J.

December 13 dream:  As soon as anyone shot anything square shaped, all guns must be taken away.

December 12, 2019:  Wake up furious about setting up Bernie tabling this weekend. Jason reprimands me via email about something. I reply: “Yes, Daddy!” He stopped bothering me for several hours. In ’til 3ish. #43 to Arizmendi. N to Peet’s Cole Valley. Saw God in homeless man in wheelchair on N. Royale at Peet’s. Then other cute baristo I talked with on my way out. (*Relates to butterflies in my stomach just prior.) Take #37 to Castro. Then #35 to G.P. Then BART to Balboa Station. W.F. Home. Shits in p.m.

December 12 dream:  Woman’s voice in my head: “This…” Woke me up.

December 12 dream:  John H., working or posing as a cleaner at a wealthy home, offers sex for money there.

December 12 dream:  Girl and I were trying to find El Amarcine Road where they were filming a movie. According to Ben G., we missed it.

December 11, 2019:  Went to 101 with John F. Got rained out. John and I went to Rincon. I stayed on for two hours. Then visited Bernie HQ hoping for more stickers for the weekend. Not much luck. #49 home. Online pain class from 5 to 7 p.m. Learned how to think of our pain as our protector. Later, some email responses about my “Questioning the absolute power of the Executive Council” email.

December 11 dream:  At club I happened to be at, John H. is the entertainment, doing a sexy strip-tease sort of dance to music. Later at other place I am told he performs there as well.

December 10, 2019:  Get up early to send email to H.W. (“Questioning the absolute power of the Executive Council”) Several anonymous calls in a.m. Shits just as I’m about to leave at 3ish. Walk to G.P. Christina at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. See one coyote and Coyote Lady. Then two more coyotes on way out. Cute biracial student with afro near Mollie Stones. Tom cat on Chaves. Hear fight or something on Mt.D. Don’t see anything. W.F. Home.

December 10 dream:  Have landed on other planet. Don’t know if predecessor guy arrived one year, 5 years or a generation before us. Also why did we land on this particular part of the planet. There must have been a reason.

December 10 dream:  Am taking a shower naked at Santa Monica beach. I see the #2 bus take off with my keys and my clothes. Rush to downtown L.A. to follow it. Some guy gives me a pair of pants and an Army jacket which just suddenly appeared on the street. Pass thru very smoggy area. Then beautiful old building being renovated.

December 10 dream:  Trying to get some tall guy from Australia into the right line to see a live KQED presentation.

December 9, 2019:  In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Follow guy into C.B. Angelique there. I asked her about her interview. She said it went well. Sit next to Brandon. I say: “Are you going to leave your girlfriend behind [when you go to Oxford]?” He says: “Yes. For a while.” Translate “comfort” before I leave. Feel better. Walk thru G.C.P. Guy says there are 3 coyotes. I only see one, who is very close. She seems more interested in dog behind me. Stop by Mollie Stones. Friendly cat on Chaves rushes towards me. Then Mt.D. Then home. Decided to bring up Article IV, Section 6 at H.W. meeting this Sunday. (*May relate to coyote today?)

December 8, 2019:  Trustee meeting in a.m. William F. is all atwitter about Article IV, Section 6 of The Prosperos By-Laws which says the E.C. can veto any action of the Trustees or the H.W. He gets very offended and offensive. But glad I brought it up. Then rush to Market & 16th to pass out Bernie literature with Jason at Santa Skivvies Run. Then to 18th & Castro kitty-corner from Mayor Pete’s table. Woman’s T-shirt says: “Not Today.” Run to catch #35 to G.P. Angelique at C.B. I tell her I’ve been campaigning with “Bernie” in the Castro. She says she doesn’t keep up with local politics. I say Bernie’s not local. She says: “That’s what I mean.” #36 to Edna. Jun back from China. Walk home. Jesse at W.F. cafe. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: More complex data management systems may entangle individuality and violate privacy. My conclusion: Truth is the only complex data management system in the Universe; It apprehends all because it is the one inviolate private Individual.

December 8 dream:  Man and woman making out.  Later they tell me they were auditioning for my play. My roommate put up a new picture which I really liked.

December 7, 2019:  Mary and I decide to cancel Bernie events today and tomorrow due to rain. In ’til 2ish. Walk toward G.P. Too rainy and windy to go on. Go to W.F. cafe. Then library. Can’t even walk home from library. The water is so thick on the sidewalks. I take another way. Then double back. Worked on MSM Chapter 10. Then walk to Safeway earlier than usual. Myka not there. Waiting for #43, fantasize about woman next to me having her way with me. Stop by Philz on way home. Cute baristo there. Then home.

December 7 dream:  At grocery store window(?), everyone is critical of my coffee(?) but congratulatory of their own. (h.o.)

December 7 dream:  Office tells me i’m getting a new roommate. i get mad at blond guy in office (not him personally). I read him the convoluted letter they sent me. I say: “Why couldn’t they just tell me that I’m getting a new roommate?” Then find out it’s going to be him. I like him. Hope I haven’ t screwed things up.

December 6, 2019:  Hard nite last nite. Bernie tabling from 10 a.m. to noon with Patrick at CCSF. Dakota stops by. W.F. cafe. Home. Take nap. Rainy day, sort of. Go to Fog Lifter cafe. Could not get WiFi. Then had pork buns at Chinese place. Could get WiFi there. Finally decide to walk up to Mt.D. and back. Talk to Mary Leatherman about Bernie tabling tomorrow, weather permitting. Which it doesn’t look like it will.

December 6 dream:  Thane mentions the book The Well of Loneliness.

December 6 dream:  Inside very ornate building . Get stuck when I climb up to ledge. Can’t get down. Then I do. I am with masculine woman I like.

December 6 dream:  Take super train out of town at lunch. Land at place called Happy _____. It is where all the criminals are buried(?) Try to catch train back. Someone calls me by my name. Only other train is going in the same direction. Young blonde school girl likes young blond school boy.

December 5, 2019:  Dictate Chapters 10 and 11 of MSM. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Get into RHS of my father. Give him credit for his comment: “Sometimes I wish you’d just hit me.” He was right to point out that I never even got angry with him to his face. Later I wondered if my brother Tom had the same reaction to him as I did. (*Relates to Mack Truck dream of December 3?) Mutation: Saw “Joey” written on the sidewalk. Joey was the name my brother and I called each other when we talked at night about what we’d do when we grew up. See “Perfect” on way to Peet’s W.P. Young boy there looks at me with interest. “Perfect” relates to cute baristo at Peet’s W.P. who left at same time as I did. I follow him to submarine sandwich shop and break my vegetarian rule to eat near him. Saw “Perfect” again which relates to young boy with glasses on the K home. Friendly black guy smiles at me at W.F. Then Jesse at W.F. cafe. Saw Bohemian Rhapsody movie in p.m. Cried my eyes out.

December 5 dream:  Bar-B-Q. I dropped last piece of my burger. Dog ate it. Then wanted everything else.

December 5 dream:  Sitting around table kidding each other about the last time we all got together.

December 5 dream:  At English beach town. See beautiful blue-eyed guy with girl. See him again and then I go after him.

December 4, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Older guy on Mt.D. kind of smirks at me. Go to Mollie Stones. Then walk down to W.P. #43 stops by unexpectedly. Take it home. W.F. Severe but attractive woman from #43 at W.F. cafe also. Shift pain seminar in p.m. They asked us to remember the last time our pain came on. For me, it was connected to yoga class with Lucia. I was very happy with my yoga class. Felt I was doing well. Was getting out of myself. Then pain came along. Then remembered my kiss with Cree in 1969 when I was on LSD. Very happy, followed by wave of fear. Also, I brought up question of children who had to be parents of their parents. Which I think I was. “Shaman” from class of November 6 joined our group again and totally ended our group discussion. Later in p.m. Enrique from SF Berniecrats joined conference call. (*Relates to 3rd dream of December 3, I think.)

December 4 dream:  Fake girl gets raped. (h.o.)

December 4 dream:  Giving away free slippers.

December 3, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Skunk at Coventry alley. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Then walk down to W.P. Buy X’mas cards and calendars for next year. Then go to Peet’s W.P. Get call for John Pinkerton. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Meet same guy I sat next to on November 18, the day the power went out in the tunnel. Bay Area Bernie call in p.m. Nice email from Sue Beck re MSM, Chapter 9 on The Prosperos. Was moved by Ben from SF Berniecrats email noting that I would not be at meeting on Wednesday, so would I like to endorse via email, which I did.

December 3 dream:  Get in my VW bug. Hear someone breathing. Call out. Can hardly speak. Then I can.

December 3 dream:  Driving a Mack Truck thru town. Have to use emergency brakes to make sure we stop at stop sign. Small boys running around in the streets. We are driving towards Livermore. Tom O. is my co-pilot. I wonder what we will do when we get there. He says: “Don’t worry. I’ll help you.” He says I’m a good basketball player. Earlier Whoopi Goldberg being abused.

December 3 dream:  Melissa yelling about something while something dramatic is going on which I am trying to pay attention to.

December 2, 2019:  Anonymous call about 8:20 a.m. Later get call from 2175 Market for 1 bedroom, 1 den BMR apt. for $1380/mo. Minimum monthly income required is $2800/mo. So I’m not eligible but it sounded nice and it feels like I’m getting closer and closer (including Sonoma) to the right place for my next adventure. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Woman at CCSF falls to the ground. Me and two others help her to her car. Guy on Joost walking his dog. I notice his nice ass. He turns to the side and spits. Later we exchange glances. He’s standing by his heterosexuality. Brandon and Angelique at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Very pregnant woman on cell phone at apex of park. Then young hawk. Then Mt.D. Am forced to be like a bear in the woods. Get call from “Private Number” around 7 p.m.

December 2 dream:  Take several one-time courses on, like, individuality. Then a multi-subject one on the “we group.” Even though I’m taking another course at the time.

December 2 dream:  Starting new job at school. Have to put numbered bits of paper into proper slots. Kids are very nice. One boy asked me excitedly: “Is this the day we dissect a dog?”

December 2 dream:  Something about Michaelmas.

December 2 dream:  Finishing up 3 or 4 invitational letters. One was done in a comedic way. Was on beautiful campus. V.P. Biden in building I went to. Guy practicing his role on Lincoln’s deathbed. I thought: You know, you aren’t going to be here forever.

December 1, 2019:  Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Rain increasing. I arrive at Starbucks Portola. Get in line. See “Perfect.” Think: What could I possibly do here that would merit a “Perfect.” Then saw Taylor (the “Otter Woman”) from November 16 and before. Sat down at big table across from him. We talked briefly on and off. Finally I asked him if he lives around here. He says: “Yes. We’ve lived here for about 20 years.” I said: “You don’t look like you’ve lived 20 years anywhere.” He seemed happy. I said good-bye. Caught #36 and #43 buses right away. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Homelessness may be the outcome of growing up in an unwelcoming home. My conclusion: Truth is habit-forming, all-inhabiting, cohabiting, infinite Habitation/Habituation, always welcome and welcoming, the only environment, the only familiar, the only outcome, the only family.

December 1 dream:  In a dream talking about the last time I was here and the little boy asked me for pancakes. I went and looked and there weren’t any. This time I invite the little boy to come with me and all sorts of other people come too. I started to explain all this to everyone with me.

November 30, 2019:  In ’til 2:45ish. Rainy. Cold. Walk to Safeway. Myka not there. #43 home right away. Put groceries away and go to W.F. cafe. My friends Sarah and Jesse there. I’m wearing my Spike’s T-shirt. When Jesse asks me where Spike’s is, I forget my pin no. and have to start over.

November 30 dream:  Starting new job as secretary for $14/hr. Lots of black plastic forks. Then I’m working for old lady who belittles me. I try to make dinner but there’s nothing to work with. (*Relates to meeting Taylor on December 1?)

November 30 dream:  Big white eagle.

November 30 dream:  Dog convinced I am carrying drugs.

November 30 dream:  Was in line to go to movie. There was a line for the front door and a line for the back door. I chose the back door line. I was supposed to meet two friends, but they weren’t there yet. Put a hammer under my coat just in case I ran into trouble. It was supposed to be a tuff crowd.

November 29, 2019:  Call around 8:30 a.m. (*Relates to G.C.P. hawk from November 27?) I jump out of bed to answer it. Caller doesn’t speak. Insight: Me not wanting to give in to my sexuality for fear of losing my memory of coming from God? 101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Two hours at Rincon. Very noisy dinner party there. Take F to Castro. Couple of guys get very excited about “Bernie.” They take pictures and say they’re going to “photo bomb” them. Waited at 19th & Castro for #35. My heart constricts. Guy with two dogs asked me to take picture of them with “Bernie.” One dog wouldn’t pay attention to me. He was looking at something/someone on 19th Street. #35 to G.P. Wait for #23. Cute skateboarder smiles at me. Then I join him in the back seat of the bus. I walk home from Monterey & Guerrero. Watched document about scientology in the p.m.

November 28, 2019:  #49 to Tommy’s Joint. Met John F., Rick and Ken for Thanksgiving. Really liked both Rick and Ken. We talked mostly about the “Academy” where John and Rick live now and where Ken used to live. #49 home. Loud black guy says of me: “Anybody who wears boots like that is military. He’s got a .45 in his hip pocket. He ain’t playing. Pop. Pop. Pop.” Cute Latino guy looks at me. I say with my eyes; “He’s lying. I’m not dangerous. AND: I love you. So maybe I am dangerous.” Walk to W.P. looking for Chron. Walk up to Starbucks Portola. Barista there recognizes me from September 25. Gives me a “Bernie discount.” Lost my pen. WiFi not working and rude guy across from me keeps staring me while talking on his phone. As I leave, I catch the eye of cute student sitting across from me. Mt.D. Home.

November 28 dream:  I notice person in window and stand in corner to avoid him.

November 28 dream:  Girl chorus in hall singing about sin or even the hint of sin. I try to rush through them.

November 28 dream:  A female Catholic father.

November 28 dream:  Phone rings in dream. I can barely say: “I’m having ____ trouble signing up for social ___. So think about that.” I know caller is furious with me.

November 27, 2019:  In ’til 2:30ish. Walk from library up Plymouth Street. Woman in electric wheelchair talking French to me and riding back and forth thru a puddle on the sidewalk. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. says he’s going to view Terminator I, too. (That’s the one with my brother Tom in it.) Walk to G.C.P. Coyote Lady there plus two young coyote brothers who like each other, she says. Other woman joined us and told us she heard hawk dive and catch snake at nearby Walter Haas Park. Later hawk flies to perch in nearby tree at G.C.P. Go up to Mollie Stones. Ryan is my checkout boy. Very cute. Walk to Mt.D. Think about what Lucia said about the hamstring muscles being the probable cause of lower back pain. And why would I have hamstring pain? See diary of August 7. Walk home. Turn on radio, which I rarely do. Mandy Patinkin saying, “When someone knocks, open your door.”

November 27 dream:  Sneaking out of restricted area of highway or bridge with guy who likes me. Looking at different versions of the planet Pluto in my astrological chart.

November 26, 2019:  In ’til 1:30ish. Rainy day. #43 and #29 to Purusha Yoga, first time in almost a year. Great seeing everybody again. Lucia there. At one point I had an overwhelming desire to share something with her: that the pain in my left leg was less than in my right. She was busy with others. I had to practically wrestle myself to the ground to overcome this urge to renew our special relationship. I asked myself: “Is this really that important?” The moment passed without harm to anybody. I’m sure this relates to my relationship with my mother. Lucia later announced she won’t be back ’til December 17. Beautiful Purusha woman receptionist smiles at me. Met Rufiel(?) on #31 on way home. He’s an artist and very interesting person. Felt very happy on #29 home. W.F. Then home.

November 26 dream:  I’m trying to form the shape of a bottle on the ground with old socks, etc. Thane there. We’re going to burn it in effigy? (h.o.)

November 26 dream:  They’re paving a wet street. So resto/bar opens at 5 p.m. instead of 4:30. Last day of conference.

November 25, 2019:  In bed at about 8:40 a.m. My heart suddenly starts pounding. I think: What’s going on? Then get phone call. I let it go to answering machine. Person stays on but doesn’t leave a message. (*Relates, I think, to murder of crows – my heart pumping, hawk – the call itself, and the young coyote – caller mad at me, from hier.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. She shows me one of her art pieces from her show on November 23. It’s good. Brandon at C.B. as well. Also my old man friend though he didn’t look at me today. Walk thru G.C.P. No murder of crows, no hawks, no coyotes, no Coyote Lady. On to Mt.D. #43 home. Insight: Realized today or hier that Thane was with The Prosperos from 1956 to 1989 or 33 years. Same as Jesus was allegedly with us. Perhaps there is something significant about that number. Hugh John (from The Prosperos) called me in p.m. We talked for over an hour. He convinced me to rejoin the dream group meeting on Thursdays, one of whose members is Al Haferkamp, the dean of The Prosperos. (*Relates to 1st dream of November 23. As I told H.J. on the call, if I dream of certain people it does not necessarily mean that I’m dreaming about those people. It means I’m dreaming about somebody who resembles those people in how I feel about them. So in the November 23 dream I dreamt of Steve Hines but it was really Hugh John himself I was dreaming of. Tom C. represented John H. Both beautiful men who I kind of put on a pedestal. And Thane represented himself. He was smiling slyly as he made his comic exit on the conveyor belt.

November 25 dream:  In Las Vegas with Al H., trying to show him something about rehearsal space. (h.o.)

November 25 dream:  Girl who hid money gets away with it for now.

November 25 dream:  In old fashioned elevator with Jean Evans. It doesn’t work. I decide to walk down. Leigh asks me to write down my number and give it to someone at her work. I am doing that when Carol Burnett walks by and comments on the beautiful flowers she saw. She said I should put one on my black dinner jacket (which had suddenly appeared on me). I tried not to act too impressed and at the same time hoped friends nearby caught the whole scene.

November 24, 2019:  9 a.m. High Watch meeting online. Pam R. pissed off at me for observing last month that the meeting amounted to a conversation between her and Calvin. (*Relates to female coyote hier in G.C.P, I think.) Walk to G.P. I sit next to couple with woman showing PDO (public display of ownership) at C.B. My old friend there as he was last time I was in a similar situation at that cafe. Walked to G.C.P. Murder of crows. One hawk flying overhead. One young male coyote approaching more closely than ever before. (*See diary of November 25.) Janet (the “Coyote Lady”) there too. On to Mt.D. Then friendly Asian guy smiles at me on Ridgewood. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Holding tightly to anything of value may prevent others from partaking of it. My conclusion: Truth is all the same Consciousness holding onto Itself effortlessly, realizing It is the only Subject, the only Object, of infinite utility, all partaking of all without opposition.

November 24 dream:  In the corner office, I’m trying to fix something. The water is rising. Daddy-long legs is caught and we need to use him to regenerate something. Maybe we’re in Wichita. And the boss just left on vacation for several months.

November 24 dream:  Was with my boss. Going thru lots of underground doors, etc. Everything very modern. Finally came out to street level. Run into Gary Rudy (from Saratoga High). He says the guy at the reunion was an imposter and “mutineer” who is the most wanted man in the country.

November 24 dream:  At the office looking for microwave to cook bagels with eggs in them. Two women on our side of the office get excited about “pleasing the prince.”

November 24 dream:  Staying over nite at my parents’ house. In bed with no bottom sheets and random strands of hair on it. Then wrestling match which was disappointing. Larry Cantu from Washington D.C. Joins me. He hardly speaks to me and he has a bloody broken arm in a cast which reaches into his chest.

November 23, 2019:  Woke up deciding that my back pain may be related to my yoga class, specifically to Lucia, my yoga instructor. And, as Dr. John Sarno said in his books, sometimes pain can be used as a way to divert the ego from facing something uncomfortable. And I think my relationship to Lucia was getting dangerous in some way. Not sure how yet. But will find out on Tuesday. (*May relate to 2nd dream of November 19.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. I tell him I saw Terminator 3 last nite. He said: “How did you think Arnold looked?” I said: “Pretty good.” Walk to G.C.P. See Janet (the “Coyote Lady”) talking so some people. And one pretty close coyote. (*Relates to Pam R. at November 24 High Watch meeting, I think.) Go to Mt.D. Then Safeway. Was in line for checkout with Myka when other guy invited me to his checkout. So I went there. Asian guy at bus stop said something about 430 car or 450 car? I couldn’t understand him, but he smiled a lot.

November 23 dream:  At Prosperos meeting, someone asks Tom C. a question and he says, “I’m not God.” I say, “Yes, you are.” He says, “No, I’m not.” I say: “Well, there’s God in you.” I’m sitting up front with Steve Hines(?) He is picking out interesting movies for me. My styrofoam cup is empty so I put trash in it. Thane appears and sits in front. Then he slides back and down a conveyer belt. He looks vaguely amused. Then it stops. I raise my hand to indicate he’s okay.

November 23 dream:  Melissa and I learning how to put a project together. She has put together something very fancy, maybe before class started?

November 22, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Picked up new shoes on Ocean Avenue. Rick Thomas (from The Prosperos) called when I was putting them on in the store. Walked to Starbucks Portola. Lots of rude kids from SOTA (School of the Arts). Walk home via Mt.D. Then #43 home.

November 22 dream:  Billye T. twirling with short young boys on their haunches. Me looking for restroom in room full of friendly Nordic young men.

November 22 dream:  Open drawer in kitchen. Full of big bubbly 2” high cockroaches. I scream (in a whisper) to “Get out!” Tell John F. after. He says, “Yeah, they can be awful.”

November 22, 2019:  Cute guy joins us in line. We are introduced all around. He notices chain around my neck that says “Love.” He says, “What about love?” I say, “It stinks.”

November 21, 2019:  Apply online for low-income apt. on Market. The minimum monthly income requirement was $2,586. My monthly income is $2,587. I thought that was interesting. In ’til 2:30ish. Shoe repair guy on Ocean closed. Walk from Ingleside to Inner Sunset. Get bread at Arizmendi. Take N to Cole Street. Guy on N who I thought was attractive ’til I got a closer look. Peet’s Cole Valley. #43 home. Three guys on #43. One guy at W.F.

November 21 dream:  Running out of boxes full of different ideas to help one gain insight spiritually.

November 21 dream:  Why do I always feel like I should be the leader?

November 20, 2019:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Two hours at Rincon. F home to online pain class from 5-7 p.m. Very moving sharing from woman in L.A. at last half hour. I felt like defending her whereas I didn’t find it necessary to defend myself in a similar situation.

November 20 dream:  My roommates are mad at me. I try to start over. Light overhead is not working. Then ____ several students have arrived. We did not pick up the tapes from the center.

November 20 dream:  “You don’t have to get high” song in musical dream. English fight scene. Kind of funny. People squirting water at each other. Program starts with Mensa-type group with picture of woman I know on the cover. I say: “Oh, smart people.” And I feel really dumb (but likable).

November 20 dream:  Acting in a movie with mostly Asian characters. During the breaks I would figure out interest rates.

November 19, 2019:  Worked on Chapter 6 of MSM. Got it all done. Then lost it. Then found it again. In ’til 3ish. Cold and windy. Decide I just don’t want to hike to G.P. today or even Mt.D. Go to W.F. then to Fog Lifter. Then to Mc.D’s (remodeled but still just as bad). The home. Get all from “Private Number.”

November 19 dream:  I’m supposed to make room in my closet. Little boy makes me coffee. I spill some of it. It’s good though. (h.o.)

November 19 dream:  Handsome painter says his doctors thinks his painting means he wants to commit suicide. His mother is concerned. I am concerned. He says to his nurse: “Please don’t let me commit suicide.” Earlier I said: “I hate it when I find a park in S.F. that I didn’t know about.” I think: Why wasn’t I informed? (*I think painter is John H. and in order to connect with me, he will have to commit suicide to his former self. Though it may relate to me. See diary of November 23.)

November 18, 2019:  Head downtown to car rental place so I can drive to Sonoma for apt. interview. Muni breaks down. There is a power outage at Forest Hill so the subway is closed to all traffic. Shuttle buses are brought in. People crowd into the buses. I decide I don’t want to have to fight this much for a place I’m not sure I want. So to Peet’s W.P. and I cancel car rental and cancel application with apt. in Sonoma. I go to P.O. and get my money order refunded. See Tom Blair after. Then to Ballast Cafe. Cute baristo there. Then walk to Portola Starbucks. Walk to Mt.D. See dead rat. Then Fire Dept. runners. Then see  “WONDER”. Then woodpecker knocking on tree on Mt.D. Then to #43 at Ridgewood and Monterey. Hawk circles just before #43 arrives. Nap in p.m.

November 18 dream:  Flying around friends who are on the ground playing with toy soldiers(?) (h.o.)

November 18 dream:  Some woman spirit drags my item half-way out the window. I pull it back.

November 18 dream:  Go to Oscar Wilde cafe. See Hanz in line. He’s glad to see me but his lunch date is Nicola, who arrives late. They sit down at small table with no room for me or anyone else.

November 18 dream:  Flying to Hawaii. Then wake up in new apt. in S.F. Two women friends are there with me.

November 17, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See Jesse on skateboard at Monterey & Gennessee. Zeph at C.B. It’s hot so I take off my sweater. Two women smile at me. That discombobulates me. Then I’m mad. Then I’m okay. Walk thru G.C.P. Three coyotes plus Janet (the “Coyote Lady”). (*I think the coyotes relate to four of us going over the heads of the Executive Council later that night, requesting people to let the E.C. know if they are interested in taking Thane’s Comprehensive Workshop class which the E.C. has disallowed to date.) Then Mt.D. Then #43 home. Bus driver turns around to say good-bye to me. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Misappropriation of resources and misuse of power causes damage to all involved. My conclusion:  Truth is the only position of authority in which there is no misappropriation, total security, limitless resource, being undamaged and undamageable, the cause and effect of all happening/happiness, in which everything is entangled.

November 17 dream:  Talking with Connie C. about attempting to have sex with her the other night.

November 16, 2019:  OccupySF website down all morning and afternoon. In ’til 4ish. Go to shoe repair on Ocean. Then up to Mt.D. See Taylor (the “Otter Woman”) on Chaves Street. Hadn’t seen him in quite a while. Forgot his name so couldn’t call out to him. He kind of smiled. Then Starbucks Portola. Then down Teresita. Guy moving into John Pinkerton’s place? Myka at Safeway. Also other cute guy who twice got in my way. OSF website finally back up at 9:30 p.m.

November 16 dream:  Guy having trouble following his woman supervisor.

November 16 dream:  Take tram up to beautiful parts of S.F. I may have been to before. Some beautiful, tall, naked men walking around. I am very tired. Try to take photos but the tram is too fast. When we get to the top, I wonder if I can take the same tram back down.

November 15, 2019:  Bernie tabling with Patrick from 10 am. to noon at CCSF. Home ’til 4ish. Walk to Walgreen’s on Ocean Avenue. Sweet clerk there. Walk to Mt.D. Then to Starbucks Portola. Nice barista there. Walk home to Mt.D. Get call from “Private Number.” Then skunk on Coventry Alley. Then home in the cold and dark. Weird smell on the way home. It was the skunk, I later figured out. I think it got me.

November 15 dream:  Put cake in center of something so we could tell where the center was.

November 15 dream:  My work friend wants to know why he can’t play the stock market like everybody else. I say it’s because you’ve opted out like I did.

November 15 dream:  Trying to get loafer (shoe) out of box in closet and finally succeeding and planning on smuggling it out under a towel.

November 14, 2019:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” John’s an hour late. Good day though. Then two hours at Rincon. Then went to Muddy Waters to wait for Bernie HQ Grand Opening at 5:30 p.m. in the Mission. Cute baristo there. Run into Dakota in line for Bernie HQ Grand Opening. Tom Ammiano there. Jane Kim there. People that I know, other than Dakota, were acting really standoffish, so I left after about a half hour. #49 home. (*Relates to 1st dream of November 13?)

November 14 dream:  Kids sleeping over. I say: “No more than two to an area. If you make a lot of noise, I’ll kick you out.” Then the whole house begins moving, like down the road.

November 14 dream:  Friend of Norma Keller, staying at Thane’s suite (the rectory) gets healed of something. (h.o.)

November 14 dream:  Some guy and I working on an assignment together.

November 13, 2019:  Sonoma apartment calls in a.m. Appointment on Monday. Take nap from 1-2 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Have to stop in path ’cause of unleashed, angry dog. Its owner has to hold it back. Go to Starbucks Portola. Cute baristo. #36 and #43 home. Shift Lesson #2 online from 5 to 7 p.m. Pretty good.

November 13 nap dream:  Arm wrestling with a cat with claws.

November 13 dream:  Living with sisters Nancy and Laurie. I can never live up to their expectations. Or they make fun of me. Get letter. Makes me excited. (*Relates to Grand Opening of Bernie HQ on November 14?)

November 13 dream:  Cenk took the audience out of SNL. And me and Romney and other famous and not so famous guys, actors and comedians were singing one of the Muppet songs – the intro to their adult show.

November 12, 2019:  Go to VA appointment at 1 p.m. 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 guys on #29 and #38 on the way there and at least one guy at VA. After, see “HUGE” on walk from VA to the Haight. Meet Colin at Haight. He is beautiful (inside and out) guitar player from Canada. We talk quite a while. At the end he offers to exchange info which we do. Translation group in p.m. We decide to continue our discussion and get back to each other with our 5th steps on Tuesday night. Sense testimony: People take control of property that they do not own and do not have title to (not entitled to have), which causes abuse to others. My conclusion: Truth is entitled to use Itself properly and lovingly. OR: Truth is the President.

November 12 dream:  Big hard-on dream about something.

November 12 dream:  Dream I have another sore spot. This time on my leg.

November 11, 2019:  Facebook not working. Then Facebook not working well. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Also Brandon. Walk thru G.C.P. Feeling happy. Two coyotes and Janet (the “Coyote Lady”) there. On to Mt.D. Talk with man building a hut on his side property. He said it had a pyramid roof. I asked him if he had metaphysical intentions. He said: “No, just storage. I’ve got a lot of junk.” I said: “Well, you could get rid of some of your junk.”

November 11 dream:  First day in prison. Trying to learn my way around.

November 10, 2019:  Trustee’s meeting at 9 a.m. William Fennie was trying to be nice to me. (*See 2nd dream of November 9.) Nap after. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Shits at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Then to Mt.D. View of fog rolling in over the city took my breath away. Then home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People take control of property that they do not own and do not have title to (not entitled to have), which causes abuse to others. My conclusion: Truth is entitled to use Itself properly and lovingly. Group decides to send an email to student body requesting them to email the Executive Council if they are interested in taking Comprehensive Workshop, which the E.C. has refused to allow. (*See Thane dream of November 7?)

November 10 dream:  Trying to use white-out to correct the first sentence in a letter on some outside company’s letterhead. Also stirring my coffee which turned out to belong to nice young black female secretary.

November 9, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. She tells me about her art show in Berkeley on November 23. I tell her: “I’ll be there.” Walk to G.C.P. Two hawks being chased by two crows. On to Mt.D. Skunk on Coventry Alley. Myka at Safeway. He told me he asked Barbara Boxer to participate in political parade when he was in the 8th grade. She refused. Insight: Maybe my pain, my punishment, is not to appease my father, but to appease myself, my  idea of who I should be.

November 9 dream:  Repaint floor of my room. Can’t figure out how to get it started. Ask woman in white frilly dress up to her neck. She says she doesn’t know either. Parakeet flies onto my left ear. I walk into clear pool. (h.o.)

November 9 dream:  Guy tries to kiss up to me after he moves back into the apt. There are three of us now.  (*Relates to William Fennie at Trustee’s meeting on November 10?)

November 8, 2019:  Bernie tabling from 10 a.m. to noon at CCSF with Patrick. Patrick late. Beautiful man passes by me. I softly wolf whistle. Then decide to follow him into CCSF cafeteria and end up behind him in line. We exchange glances. After tabling, go to W.F. cafe. My Bernie friend Sarah there. Home ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Christina(?) is barista at C.B. Brandon there. I get to sit next to him. We talk briefly. Walk home thru G.C.P. Coyotes howling at sirens from Portola Street. Sounded like 12-20 of them. Stop by Mollie Stones. Cute, short Asian guy in line in front of me. On to Mt.D. Skunk at Coventry Alley.

November 8 dream:  Someone wanted to get together with someone else while he still had a good body.

November 8 dream:  Plugging something in. Lots of smoke. Wonder why my fire alarm doesn’t go off.

November 7, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. No line at P.O.! Buy 100 stamps for my annual trip. Also $45 money order for Sonoma apts. Then compliment Peet’s W.P on their remodel. Then walk to Starbucks Portola. On to Mt.D. Owl sitting in tree. Two women pointed out to me. #43 home right away. Bernie friend at W.F. cafe.

November 7 dream:  Talking about speech Thane gave the other night. Then I am picking up shorts(?) left by other student. I say: “I am all discombobulated.” Thane appears and touches me lightly. I sit in nice chair for his talk.

November 6, 2019:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Told John about my Sonoma opportunity. He said I’d need to figure out how to commute from Sonoma to SF. Finished up 101 shift with crazy person with megaphone. Two hours at Rincon. M to Castro #35 to G.P. Run into ABB guy (“anybody but Bernie”). BART to Balboa Park. Walk home. Shift “back pain” class at 5 p.m. Really love Dr. Schubiner. On line with 168 others from around the world. Had realization that just like my father gas-lighted me as a child, the brain is gas-lighting my body about back and side pain. At end we broke up into small groups. Our group was three until “shaman” joined us at the end. She was “crazy person” just like at 101 earlier today. Opted out of Berniecrats meeting in p.m.

November 6 dream:  Take a month vacation away from work at TYT. Ana K. talks about me, saying: “The good thing about him is that even though he says he won’t buy the T-shirt, then he will.” I think of going on vacation again.

November 6 dream:  Girl from Denmark. Older guy from Sweden. Both trying to put Swedish eggs (much smaller than American) in container.

November 6 dream:  Richard Branam-type told me Sheila Tutt worked at resto where you couldn’t have any money to get in. And the line was long. Turned out to be the resto next door. Leigh B. was there, too. Also Joyce something. Got reacquainted with Sheila. She said I looked older (when really she looked older).

November 5, 2019:  In ’til 2:30ish. #43 to camera store on Chestnut. Cute worker smiles at me and vice versa. Guy at library comes on to me. Wlak to Castro. See and talk briefly with Mark Leno at Market & Castro. Smile at cute young guy hanging out at 18th & Castro, and vice versa. #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.G. Also Paul(?) from SF Berniecrats. Also Brandon. I say to him: “You’re wearing a different shirt today.” He says: “Well, it’s Tuesday.” Talk with cute young Asian Chesa support at G.P. BART station. He asks me if I’ve voted yet. I say, “Yes.” Then add: “You’ve only got an hour or so left.” He says: “Thanks for taking the time to talk with us.” I think: “Of course I’m going to talk with you. You’re gorgeous.” I later realized he wanted me to come on to him. (*Relates to slip and fall on Mt.D. on November 3, I think.)

November 5 dream:  Bill Fortis is a dentist and went to school to become a dentist.

November 5 dream:  Comparing SF to NY, come in to work to help my friend. I said I’d help him as long as he needed it.

November 4, 2019:  Get call from Sonoma senior, low-income housing place to pursue my application. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. It’s cold. Hawk at CCSF. Have to sit next to nasty black lady for 2nd day in a row at C.B. I fear she’s going to hit me ’cause she’s a thug like my Dad. Later I realized that’s why I keep running into her. Walked thru G.C.P. Janet “Coyote Lady” there. Then 1 or 2 coyotes in the bush (coyotes for 3rd day in a row).Then go to Mollie Stones and when I look in the restroom mirror, I see my Dad. Scary! Meet Ryan at M.S. On to Mt.D. #43 home.

November 4 dream:  Recall that baby was born thru surrogate, not from the mother. And that it was red.

November 4 dream:  Cute little dog head-butts me. Turns into cat. Later I break three glass bowls in line to get something to eat. Cut in front of Madame Morel. Severed hand on the floor.

November 4 dream:  Fess Parker as Davy Crockett.

November 3, 2019:  Got up up at 8:45 to attend M.A. meeting. Then realized it was 7:45 so I went back to bed. Worked on Chapter 5 of MSM. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Later his parents and brother came in. Walked thru G.C.P. See Janet (the “Coyote Lady”) and a coyote for 2nd day in a row. One coyote close to the path and another behind a bush. Janet says to me: “He’s nervous about you, so keep walking.” I said: “I’m nervous about him, too.” Walk to Mt.D. It gets dark. I figure out how to turn on my cellphone flashlight. As soon as I do, I slip and fall. Later hear, then see skunk on path to Coventry Lane. I tell him: “OK, OK. Just get out of here!” Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Dissolution of current structure may be needed before new resolutions can emerge. My conclusion: The structure of Truth is indestructible and apparent, being infinitely old yet timelessly new, the immediate and indicative resolution of Self emerging.

November 3 dream:  Working at the post office with two very nice ladies. I think it’s my first day.

November 2, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Run into Carl Compton at Unity Plaza. We talk and walk down Ocean Avenue. Then I continue to G.P. Angelique at CB. Also cute Asian guy with ponytail (*See diary of October 27.) His butt crack was hanging out. When I left, Angelique was hitting on young man and vice versa. Walk thru G.C.P. Coyote bravely walking around field just below path. Myka at Safeway. #43 home. Think I may attend M.A. meeting tomorrow. Got excited about the idea of doing a PowerPoint Translation and RHS class.

November 2 dream:  AOC ad and cute naked guy who I was mad at. For being too cute?

November 2 dream:  Office wedding in S.E. Asia. Go into high water. Then toilet after toilet. Finally I said, “That’s enough.”

November 2 dream:  Go to touchy-feely camp. View two videos. Father of woman who runs the place also there.

November 1, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Take #49 to Bernie HQ. Rowdy students on bus. One beautiful guy sitting in the back. Plus 1 or 2 others. Leave new “Bernie” for Winnie. Talk with Holly. Immediately after, feel “jumpy happy.” Then see guy at 18th and Mission. Follow him up to 18th and Valencia where he gets in his car and drives off. Later mutual cruise with guy on 18th Street near Women’s Building. Then two older guys smile at me from Harvey’s Resto. Walk to G.P. Sit next to Oxford friend. His name is Brandon. #36 and #43 home.

November 1 dream:  Sitting at L-shaped table with hardly every other seat taken. Lots of different types of ice cream were being served. We were celebrating something.

November 1 dream:  Woman loans me two books about things two thousand years ago. I think I already have too much to reach. I forget them. Go back. Someone has them. She saves me from having to go thru guy spraying water at people. She says: “I’m going to do for you what you did for your sister and let you thru.”

October 31, 2019:  Bernie tabling with Patrick at CCSF from 10 a.m. to noon. See Ryan Lam there. Find out hie’s only 18 (and running for city supervisor). After, go to W.F. cafe. Meet Mickey, beautiful Italian jiu-jitsu student and friend of Cody, who used to work at W.F. I go home and then return to give him a Bernie brochure. Work on BB. Then to Arizmendi. After, skip N to follow beautiful shirtless guy at 9th & Irving. He made me hard. Then cute baristo on 9th Avenue smiles at me as I pass his cafe. Then attractive Asian man gives me the eye and vice versa. Then cute Asian guy in hoodie on N who offered me a seat. Older guy next to him smiled at me. I thought they were together, but they weren’t. Then Peet’s Cole Valley. Brief appearance by kitchen staff guy. Then home on #43.

October 31 dream:  Four “required” events on the same day, Sunday.

October 31 dream:  Was all packed and ready to go. Took final pee. Little kid was jumping up and down to go next.

October 31 dream:  Big hole in the ground for new arena in S.F. See Mickey Bonasera there with another Mickey I knew from high school.

October 30, 2019:  101 with John F and “Bernie.” Shahid Buttar showed up. Passed out a lot of “Pissed Off Voter” guides. Two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. Wait at 19th & Castro for #35. Then my Oxford friend at C.B. #36 and #43 home. Then Avalon halloween party. Then W.F. Met Jesse again at W.F. cafe (*See diary of October 24).

October 30 dream:  Political race. (h.o.)

October 30 dream:  Decide to drive back from Corvallis. The car is snowed in. I put key in door.

October 30 dream:  See “Men’s Club.”

October 29, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See Ross on Lippard Street. I don’t hang around after he casually mentioned “me and my wife.” Zeph at C.B. After, I talk to his would-be standup comedian friend. Oxford friend there, too. Walk thru G.C.P. See coyote very briefly. (*Coyotes from hier relate to discovering Elliott Zaff’s book on Fennie’s website,  http://www.theprosperos.com.) Go to Mt.D. Talk to dog Kyle and her guardian. #43 home.

October 29 dream:  Going to be a big parade. None of the big instruments from upstairs though.

October 29 dream:  Somebody was trying to teach me how to hit somebody.

October 28, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Hot guy at Lee and Ocean. I cruise him. Then somebody else joins him. When I look again hot guy glares at me. I back off. Now I’m off balance. Get to C.B. and sit next to two dominating women. I was still off-balance, so I was looser and played with it. Finally I headed to the bathroom. When I exited the bathroom, one of the women demanded the key from me. I pretended not to notice her, which was some sort of comment on her/their behavior, I think. Walk thru G.C.P. Two coyotes. Then talked to woman who called coyotes bullies. She said often a female would sit alone in a field to attract dogs and then the males would attack the dog. At the same time, one of the coyotes sat in the middle of the field. Walk to Jun’s barbershop. He derides me for coming late. I feel horrible about it. Later I realize he was gas-lighting me. Pretending that I did something outrageous, when actually I went out of my way to make sure I made it in time. RHSed him (and my father) later.

October 28 dream:  Hanging out with Kathy Warfield and Patrick H. Want to marry Kathy but I knew that I was gay.

October 28 dream:  At Castro Street fair I’m out on Market Street looking for John H.

October 28 dream:  Trying to cross Polk Street to the federal building in San Francisco. It’s raining so hard I can’t. My throat is so tight I can’t breath. Then it let’s up and I cross.

October 28 dream:  Tom O. visiting me in my apartment unexpectedly.

October 27, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Mae there in sundress exposing her arms which had lots of scars on them. From cutting herself? Hot Asian guy with pony tail as well. Walk thru G.C.P. then Mollie Stones. Quick glance from vegetable worker there. Then Mt.D. Shahid Buttar calls me on my cell as I’m walking home. (See? I am important!) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Without a unifying purpose, individuals and groups can pull apart. My conclusion: The intention of Truth is oneness and the effect of Truth is infinitely inclusive individuals and infinitely inclusive groups, all pulling together.

October 27 dream:  Put in four hours volunteering for Bernie.

October 27 dream:  Spend last day with woman who was supposed to be my girlfriend.

October 26, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Finishing up Chapter 4 of MSM. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Read more from She. It’s great. It makes me happy. Walk thru G.C.P. 6 or 7 crows playing in the sky. Walk to Mt.D. Coven of “witches” on top in front of cross. Shop at Safeway. No Myka. No Steven. #43 home.

October 26 dream:  Go to art gallery/garage in Mendocino.

October 26 dream:  Hang around to listen to English people in line talking with their English accents.

October 25, 2019:  Hard nite last nite. In ’til 3ish. Take K to Civic Center to vote. Walk back. Run into Andy Gillis at Green Arcade bookstore. I don’t even like him that much but I felt thrilled like a school girl that he was being nice to me. Then stop by Bernie HQ in the Mission. See Mary/Winnie there. Then walk with Mary to Chesa Boudin HQ on 15th Street. Walk to Castro. Stop at Spikes. Take K home. Cute Sacred Heart football player on K. Then W.F. Then home.

October 25 dream:  Guests trying to decide what to have to eat. Carol Burnett there. Also Paul Kavanaugh.

October 25 dream:  In Paris, go out for fancy meal. Al H. there.

October 24, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Worked on Chap. 4 of MSM. Walk towards Tenderloin to see the movie 5 Blocks about mid-Market Street. Run into Ross on Lippard Street at G.P. (*Relates to 2nd dream of last nite, having a new job and not knowing exactly what to do.) He was preparing a mural at Glen Park School. Cute, hot guy. Could have been gay. Could have been straight. Was definitely open. Walk to Tenderloin. Find Tenderloin Museum. Look in vain for café. Pass J’s place. Finally end up on Market. Nice activity on one block of Market near 6th Street. Cute Asian guy waiting in line for art show. Take M to Castro. Used-to-be cute guy smiles lasciviously at me on Castro. I go to ice cream store. And back. K to W.P. Two cute baristos at Peet’s W.P. One sweeping the floor smiled at me. I joked: “Just don’t sweep me up with the trash.” K home. Cute baristo at W.F. said they close at 7 p.m. I said: “How about tomorrow?” He said: “Definitely.”

October 24 dream:  Different types of docs I was supposed to know, but didn’t.

October 24 dream:  Some musical performance practice. Thought I saw Meryl Streep but it was someone else whom I admired.

October 23, 2019:  Feeling lots of lust for guy on K inbound. Lust is amazing. I was willing to do anything, forget anything, just to touch this guy, caress this guy, embrace this guy, fuck this guy. If only I could harness lust. 101 with John F. We did a deep cleaning of the planter where we put our literature. Two hours at Rincon. Cute Asian guy at Rincon. F to Castro. #35 to G.P. Oxford friend at C.B. He’ll be here ’til March. #36 to Foerster. See Jun. Told him I’d stop by on October 28 for haircut, his last day ’til he travels to China. Jesse at Railway Expresso. Bus driver on #43 kind to me and “Bernie.”

October 23 dream:  Hard-on dream about something.

October 23 dream:  Begin new job as office assistant. Not sure I’m trusted or what or how to do stuff.

October 23 dream:  Visit old neighborhood in Saratoga. Big pile of dirt on street. Kids sliding down it. Then to port of S.F. Big waves shaking the buildings.

October 22, 2019:  In ’til 2ish. #43 to camera store on Chestnut. Walk home via Polk, Franklin, Market and Castro. Cute self-aware guy on Franklin. I turn around to look at him as he pauses before entering store. Guy with Prop. D sign on Market says to me: “Have fun!” #35 to G.P. Zeph and Oxford friend at C.B. No tables so I go to Cuppa. Hot baristo there. #23 home. I sit next to guy who enjoyed being checked out by me. #43 home. Finally figured out how to transfer pictures from my camera directly to my laptop. I’m not stupid! It just takes me a while.

October 22 dream:  Several guys (not me) helping move all of Calvin’s book into his place. Liz A. walks thru. I visibly brighten up. People comment on it.

October 21, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Also Oxford friend with his girlfriend. Also Mae. Cute guy on way to G.C.P. Heavy eye contact. Rose petals on the ground on the way out. Cute Mollie Stones delivery guy on Chaves. Guy sitting on a lawn chair on top of Mt.D. He said to me: “It’s a long way down.”

October 21 dream:  Eating deep fat fried food at a resto with others.

October 21 dream:  Go to Prosperos center at Nannie’s old place at Mission and Cortland. Al H. there walking out with beautiful but scarred girl. Rick Thomas there. I go upstairs and take a nap.

October 21 dream:  Tom O. and I sleeping over. I throw up a bit. Then drive out of the city. Talk to my father on the phone. I say: “You can really tell when you drive out of the city.” We were in Texas somewhere.

October 20, 2019:  9 a.m. High Watch meeting. I was the observer. 11 a.m. Sunday Meeting with Rick Thomas, H.W., M. After his talk, during the comment period, I said to Rick, “I love you.” It was emotional, honest, unintended and powerful and I think it was meant not only for Rick but for John H. (*Relates to the 2nd dream of October 15, the one where I lose control. Also, speaking of losing control, to shits from hier.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Then home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Fear of the unknown quashes excitement and prevents progress. My conclusion: Truth is harmless nature, the untamable wild, irrevocable, unannulable, endless excitement, always coming forward, always progressing. OR: Truth is at home with the wild. OR: We do not tame Truth. Truth tames us. During discussion afterwards, I accidentally called Richard Branam Truth.

October 20 dream:  Was at party. Drank too much. I wasn’t drinking alcohol, but I was still drunk. Then sobered up immediately. And left. (h.o.)

October 20 dream:  Go to retreat for compulsives. One guy likes to take his pants down. Others are over-eaters. I feel like a fraud, that I didn’t really belong there.

October 19, 2019:  Watched Bernie rally in Queens on YouTube at 10 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Walk thru wedding reception set-up at Sunnyside Conservatory. Angelique at C.B. Oxford friend enters as I’m leaving. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to Mt.D. See “Cleared for Take-Off” at a neighborhood book stand. Shits as I get to Safeway. Myka as I check out.

October 19 dream:  Thane: “What is the building you’re in?” Me: “Spearling.” Thane: “Whenever I think of that building, I think of my Aunt saying she was anything but spearling.” Extract white object from my hand.

October 18, 2019:  Table with Patrick and “Bernie” at CCSF. Dakota stops by. Meet Victor and his friend as we leave. They are campaigning for Prop. D. His friend said he saw me and “Bernie” at the Castro Street Fair. At W.F. barista gave me a free latte when she saw “Bernie.” Then cute Japanese guy in line with two raw strip steaks. He asked me if I was a vegan.  I said, “Mostly.”  Work at home. Take nap. Then Fog Lifter. Trio of male bullies standing in doorway made me angry.

October 18 dream:  Get treatment to make my teeth whiter. I would have to go back a couple of more times.

October 18 dream:  My first day in prison. Will have to find job there. Family take delight in telling me what I’ll have to do.

October 18 dream:  Tom O. and me in helicopter. He’s trying to park it on street. I say: “Can you just drop the damn thing?”

October 17, 2019:  Go to 101 with John F and “Bernie” from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. Before John arrives, bike messenger asks me: “What has Bernie accomplished?” When I pause to think, he yells triumphantly, “Aha!” and rides away. And end of shift, libertarian named Kevin (or Kyle) tries to convince me that appointing Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court was a good thing. Two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. #35 right away to G.P. Oxford friend at C.B. with his girlfriend. Take BART to Balboa Park. Meet Jeff May from DSA who took a selfie with “Bernie.” Insight: My trouble with people taking pictures of me: My Dad hasn’t given me permission. Insight: Maybe if I wrote “Swan Lake” my Dad would love me.

October 17 dream:  Trying to fix something. (h.o.)

October 17 dream:  I’m returning my $16. Then woman gives me flowers at bottom of empty ewer to get better.

October 16, 2019:  False fire alarm at 9:45ish. Water turned off without warning at noonish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. My Oxford friend at C.B. Two hawks circling over G.C.P. Meet Kyle, the dog, on Mt.D. RHS my dad. Realize I didn’t care if he fondled me or whatever. It made me feel special. So if there was a problem, it was his. Maybe that’s why it only happened once that I can recall. Maybe he was looking for somebody to have power over, rather than somebody who enjoyed his caresses. And maybe my scary dream of last night was a good thing. Being out of control sometimes is.

October 16 dream:  Barbara Hill tried to grab newspaper out of my hand by pressing on my neck. I pushed her down and away.

October 16 dream:  I/we was supposed to type a transcript but I could never find out what I was supposed to type. There were no words, except Japanese and Chinese characters. Finally we decided to put on a ruse of Candide.

October 15, 2019:  J. calls about 12:30 p.m. or so? Sign up for Dr. Schubiner pain video at $297 for 7 online sessions. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Too full to find a seat. Go to Cuppa. Cute, sweet bodybuilder baristo. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Telman at Mollie Stones. Very sweet, handsome guy I’d never seen before. Mt.D. RHS my father. TV news in p.m.: There was a 4.5 earthquake two days before the Loma Prieta earthquake on October 17, 1989.

October 15 dream:  Vote on whether climate will allow floating boats?

October 15 dream:  Meet Mary Tyler Moore who had hairy legs. I tell her I was going to go to one of her plays, but didn’t. She says I should do something. I move into place where I’m paying $700 per month. A woman is driving me too fast. I try to reach gas pedal to slow down. There is a plywood wall in front of me so I can’t see where we’re going. I Translate: “Truth is that which is so. That which is not Truth is not so. Therefore Truth is all that is.” Then I wake up.

October 14, 2019:  Go to Aunt Joanne’s at 11 a.m.  (Cute Asian guy with ear stud on Lee as I head to Muni stop.) Sister Nancy, cousins Leigh and Jeff there also. Stay ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Go to W.P. hardware store to see Alan. Meet other cute Asian guy with ear stud there. Then to Mt.D. Then home. Run into W.F. friend from June 17. (*Relates to shits from hier around the same time?) 4.5 earthquake at 10:33 p.m.

October 14 dream:  Transposing something written into final form (h.o.)

October 14 dream:  Take private bus (after being approved) thru S.F. to deserted center I never knew was there. Try to find it on map. Hope it’s close to place I wanted to get to. School is empty when I arrive.

October 14 dream:  Walk thru gym. Pass resto. Give message that we are going to have a meeting at 10 a.m. on Saturday about an upcoming class. Cute Asian waiter smiles at me. Say to those at table: “The Mentor’s handbook says we should always have a sidekick.”

October 13, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. from Ocean Ave. Go to Starbucks Portola. Shits there. And home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People revolt against outside authority figures in lieu of honoring the universal principle within. My conclusion: Truth is peopled with noteworthy authority figures, all of whom are in sync, honoring the universal principle within. Nervous about visiting Aunt Joanne tomorrow.

October 12, 2019:  Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Angelique returned my library book. Yay! Beautiful Asian guy at his laptop with headphones. I said: “Writing the great American novel?” No response. Later I cross over the empty chair across from him. He smiles but doesn’t look up. (*Relates to cute but dirty homeless guy hier at G.C.P.?) Three crows playing at G.C.P. Calvin, the pug, on Chaves. Hot guy on cliff on Mt.D. Steven at Safeway. “Private number” calls at 6:15 p.m. (*Relates to shits from hier about the same time, I think.) Nancy O. calls in p.m. See “Prepare to be blown away.”

October 12 dream:  I sing theme from “Peter and the Wolf.” Woman says: “Clearly, that’s a line green Jesus…”

October 12 dream:  Take bus to colorful Mexican street in S.F. I’d never been to before.

October 11, 2019:  Worked on Chapter 3 of MSM. It kind of depressed me. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. New barista at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Pass dirty, smelly but young, cute and friendly homeless guy. Mt.D. Shits when I get home. CSU on YouTube.

October 11 dream:  Finish resto job at 12:30 a.m.

October 11 dream:  Some guys I didn’t really like or trust pouring a line of gas on the floor and lighting it. I left even though there was a cute guy I was interested in and a cute girl who was interested in me. Walk thru store. Water 6 feet deep or so. I walk to higher ground. Woman smiles at me. Knock chair out of place.

October 10, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. On the way out, I listen to Bernie ad and weep because he’s so much better a person than I’ll ever be. Walk to Golden Gate Heights Park. See Malcolm Cecil in W.P. Then on to Arizmendi. Then Peet’s Cole Valley. #37 to Castro, #33 to Mission. Stop by Bernie HQ at 2235 Mission. See Ryan from Chesa Boudin campaign at 22nd Street. I get off bus to talk to him. He campaigned shirtless at the Castro Street Fair, so I mentioned that to him. He said: “Different crowd.” #49 home. Angelique emails me that she found the book She.

October 10 dream:  Calvin sticking his naked butt out at me as I passed by.

October 10 dream:  Tom O. and I playing a game and losing to another couple. After, he gives me a box of gifs and a $110 bill. I said: “I didn’t know they came in that denomination.”

October 9, 2019:  Meet Alan at Ocean/Lee Muni stop. I had “Bernie” with me. We talk there and on K train ’til he got off at W.P. (*Relates to hawks from G.C.P. and from Amber Way on October 7, I think.) He works at W.P. Hardware. He’s a student at CCSF. Studies engineering and works 40 hours a week. He took a photo of me in mid-conversation. Then met Elaine on K. 101 from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. Two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. #35 to G.P. right away. Economics student at C.B. (*See diary of September 30.) He’s a Master’s student at Oxford. Guy behind 1100 Ocean Avenue on way home. Feeling depressed about Bernie’s heart attack.

October 9 dream:  Climbing into factory to get something. As I leave, couple there applauds. Then I go back in and am given my grades (which are good) and a big packet of papers. (semi h.o.)

October 9 dream:  Going to work at resto where I get ¼ of all the money taken in from salads sold. Resto on the coast. I drop plate but don’t break it.

October 8, 2019:  Finally get email from Angelique about the library book She I lent her. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph there. Hawk at G.C.P. Mt.D. Envelope with “Fantastic News” on way down. See Dakota get on #43 as I get off.

October 8 dream:  Woman at work says Trump visited her after he became president. (h.o.)

October 8 dream:  Cleaning up the basement where events are held. I say: “I don’t come down here that often.”

October 7, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. Shits at G.C.P. Later two hawks. Then another two hawks. Shirtless guy sitting on log with headphones. Then three nearby hawks on Amber Way. Mt.D. Then hawk over CCSF. Wave of self-criticism, self-doubt after I check my mail instead of getting on elevator being held by another resident. (*Relates to 3.8 earthquake of October 5?) Wave as strong as wave of feeling hated from September 30.

October 7 dream:  Read my screed which still needs a little work. Get in big family fight. I say something mean to Laurie. Everyone gets down on me. Later it’s just me and my father fighting. Then he takes me out to pizza. The pizza guy says my dad is a little drunk. He (my father) spills pizza cheese on my shirt. I am quite svelte.

October 7 dream:  John H. with his hot new shirtless friend. I give him (John) the finger. My funny friend walks into resto. Guy there orders two lemon pies. I think I should have ordered that. Have to catch #53 bus to get to work at 10 a.m.

October 6, 2019:  Campaigning for Bernie and with “Bernie” at the Castro Street Fair from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m with Jason and Brandon. (*Relates to first dream of October 4?) Many, many happy people taking photos with “Bernie.” Guy on the way on Muni remembered my name from our Bernie tabling at CCSF. Took nap after. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Persistent contentious dysfunction leads to withdrawal anger depression. My conclusion: Only Truth can be expressed. Truth is consistent integrity, functioning harmoniously, fully integrated, always drawing towards Itself. Insight: I should be doing more. That’s why I have pain. I’m punishing myself.

October 6 dream:  Betty Cuff comes to Prosperos assembly for her talk. She’s all dressed up. I say: “I remember that dress.” She says: “Do we know anything about Mom?” I say: “You mean my Mom?”

October 6 dream:  Moved back into 835 Turk Street. “Men’s Group” was meeting. It had lots of women. I spoke briefly. Also raucous comedy group in the cafeteria. There were two other empty rooms which I looked at. Their occupants would arrive tomorrow. One had a pink room. Both seemed nicer than mine. No cockroaches yet, but I’m sure they were there.

October 6 dream:  Say good-bye to Richard(?) in the form of his mother. He told me he had had two children. One of them died in the crib. Just couldn’t make it. A passing stranger said, “Good luck on your trip back to Los Angeles.” I knew he meant California, and didn’t distinguish L.A. from California.

October 5, 2019:  3.8 earthquake at 8:41 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. His girlfriend had just broken up with him so he was pretty down. Cute Asian guy and I connect on my way out. Get “Perfect” later on walk to G.C.P. Run into Janet, the Coyote Lady, but no coyotes. Walk to Mt.D. Crazy, cute guy on top. Then Myka (and Noel) at Safeway. Myka says it’s store policy that he cant’ talk politics.

October 5 dream:  Al H. tells me his parents were both Prosperos. They were broken up but at a party they got together and produced him. I said: “You really are a Prospero. You have it in your dna.”

October 4, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Working on Chapter 2 of MSM. Walk to G.P. Guy calls me “Grandpa.” Jordan at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mollie Stones. Then Mt.D. and home. Feel really bad about my side pain. Also about my MSM video.

October 4 dream:  Took off work early on Friday. They were getting rid of our word processing department. Bernie was driving us in big elongated VW bug out of the city. He parked at one point. I told him I had to leave (since I was going further away from where I lived). Then I offered to take over driving for him. Nina Turner there.

October 3, 2019:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Peet’s Cole Valley via T.P. Hawk on T.P. Royale there. SF Berniecrats at 7 p.m. John F., Patrick, Brandon, Greg, Laksh, black friend there. #37, M and #29 home. Insight at at Peet’s: pain may relate to me punishing myself for getting by without working, for being privileged in any sense that I think I am privileged.

October 3 dream:  Carol Carter comes to Prosperos meeting ’cause I sent her a “caustic” email.

October 3 dream:  Had to restock a whole library of encyclopedias of different dates into empty, dusty library shelves.

October 2, 2019:  101 with John F. from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. See “Imperfect” truck. Two hours at Rincon. Walk thru Castro with “Bernie.” Then #35 to G.P. Owner there. #23 and #43 home. Bus driver on #43 likes either me or “Bernie.” Maybe both. “Expect the Unexpected” in p.m. Insight: My mother, through her death, exposed my egocentricity.

October 2 dream:  Harriet shoves my bedroom door open even though I had put a heavy box behind it. She showed me how to work new lock.

October 2 dream:  Left out last lines of Lord’s Prayer at Sunday Meeting, so I asked everyone to stay on and find it. Then I asked two to three (Hanz, etc.) to read the lines, but they all chickened out. I slapped their faces.

October 2 dream:  Woman teacher speaks of French women Resistance fighters. Me taking notes.

October 2 dream:  Van home. I stay on ’cause I want to be with everybody. A few new bare-chested, leather-vested boys join us.

October 2 dream:  Getting ready for class. Preparing ad copy with Jody Vanda. Will collate at Aunt Joanne’s.

October 1, 2019:  Bills and monthly BB in a.m. Walk to G.P. Hawk at CCSF on the way. New barista at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P See one coyote. Meet Janet, the Coyote Lady. We talk for about a half hour.

October 1 dream:  I am Feinstein’s tenant.

October 1 dream:  Going to big outdoor fair/expo with Marilyn Deurell(?)

September 30, 2019:  Yesterday, walking to G.P., I was overwhelmed by a feeling of being hated. Once I recognized it, I was able to dismiss it. Today, in ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. He texts Angelique to return my book to the library. As I leave I say to guy working on laptop next to me: “Is that math?” He says: “Economics.” I see a wadded up $10 bill on his table. I say: “Speaking of economics.” He smiles broadly and says: “Exactly.” Zeph jealous? Walk thru G.C.P. No coyotes, no hawks today. Continue on to Mt.D. Looking back at Mt.D. see hawk for 2nd day in a row. Riordan h.s. student on #43 home Also bus driver as I exit the bus. Work on Chap 2 of My Soul Mates in p.m.

September 30 dream:  Dream of “October 26.”

September 30 dream:  Dick Van Dyke thought Laura might be faking her illness.

September 29, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Angelique didn’t leave me the book I lent her like she said she would. Walk to G.C.P. Two hawks circling at entrance. Midway thru park passing guy tells me there are six coyotes down the hill. Then I see at least four of them. (*Does this relate to my “Fellow Traveler” post from September 28?) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Cadres working against each other can cause antagonism and impeachment. My conclusion: Truth is the unimpeachable, inexcusable protagonist, always at the center of everything, already a complete success with no additional effort required, one cadre working harmoniously everywhere. (*Thane showing up on my cell phone on September 27 relates to my “Fellow Traveler” post as well, I think.)

September 29 dream:  A friend/customer at a resto suggests I drink lager for my health.

September 28, 2019:  Email from Suzanne Deakins relates to “Count on the Unexpected” from hier? In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. I like the person I am when I’m around her: strong, handsome, protective, manly. I’m walking thru G.C.P. thinking this and cute, young guy smiles at me. Walk to Mt.D. “Winter Moving” van on way. Hawk as I look back. Steven and Myka at Safeway. Myka worried about what’s happening here. I say: “At the store?” He says: “No. Here in the country. The impeachment.”

September 28 dream:  In the military each of us must find the right size uniforms, etc. Then find a place to live. I was holding back.

September 28 dream:  Riding in detached car, hanging onto train thru middle of S.F. which I’d never seen before. Finally came to stop. No more tracks. No more train.

September 27, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Also guy reading Who Moved My Cheese? on the way out. Walk thru G.C.P. and onto Mt.D. and home. Still getting 503 error code on the Bathtub Bulletin. I think it’s my time.ly events calendar. Instead of saying, we want to now charge you for what we’re calling an upgraded software, they simply stop allowing the current software from working correctly, thereby forcing users to detect the problem and eventually simply buy their updated (but not really updated) version of the software which was formerly free. In other words, time.ly is gas-lighting me. See Thane photo on my cell phone. I didn’t put it there, but it was timely, so to speak. Fixing 503 error code made me feel optimistic I could solve my back/side pain problem as well. See “Count on the Unexpected” in p.m. (*Relates to posting “Fellow Travelers,” my critique of the trustees, on the BB. Heather is a proxy for Suzanne Deakins who was the only one who sent me an email in response.)

September 27 dream:  Magic show turns completely scary and real.

September 27 dream:  At work I volunteer to quit. My boss is upset that I am doing some research on L.A.’s approach to something. I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do. Just as we are beginning to have an honest conversation about this, he is interrupted. Then some guys tow some tilting boats in the adjacent harbor and they are being towed as well. The doorway to our floor is being blocked off and we are going to be assigned to work on the floor above, pasting labels on folders, etc. Heather is there.

September 26, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Cute young flirty guy in Cuppa at G.P. Two policemen standing behind him. Hot friendly Asian baristo. Very sweet. Very well-built. Crazy nice ass. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk and two crows. Then Mollie Stones. Get angry at poor service at deli. Cute, young friendly Asian guy with “H” on his shirt smiles at me as I reach top of Mt.D. Cute guy on #43 gets off at same stop as me. Also interested woman.

September 26 dream:  Big hard-on dream. They found Billye and someone else. Somebody else was still missing.

September 25, 2019:  Really tough nite last nite. Anonymous calls at 2:30 a.m., 7:30 a.m., 9:15 a.m., etc. (*Relates to coyotes in G.C.P. on Sept. 13, I think.) 101 with John F. from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. Then two hours at Rincon. Lots of smiles at me and “Bernie.” Take F to Castro. Wait for #35 at 19th Street. See interesting guy at J’s store. Maybe J. (*Relates to first dream of Sept. 23?) Go to Cuppa at G.P. Then take #44 to Portola ’cause I really wanted to get a macha frappachino, which I did. Hawk there. Also ladybug. Barista there liked “Bernie.” She took a selfie with him. Then offered me a glass of water as I was leaving. I think she was coming on to me. (*Relates to slip and fall hier at Mt.D.?) #43 home.

September 24, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Trip and fall. Have trouble getting myself up. Am scratched. Go to Starbucks Portola to wash up, etc. Walk back home. Then to Hamburger Mary’s in the Castro for Bernie meeting. See Jiro at The Cove on the way. 10 of us at the meeting. I brought “Bernie.” Had playful interaction with Mary. It kind of freaked me out. Greg(?) is gay? He mentioned his husband, I think. Black guy said he didn’t like to go door-to-door because he’s black. I said I’d go with him. K on the way home.

September 24 nap dream:  Trying to recycle old clothes that weren’t even mine.

September 24 dream:  Prosperos event. Melissa asks me if I’m going to the singles affair later.

September 23, 2019:  3-ring call in a.m. Break glass in kitchen sink. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Hawk at Diamond and Bosworth Streets. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. See coyote. Then 3 or 4 coyotes (from a distance). Walk on to Mt.D. Meet nice young man who had just moved to the neighborhood and didn’t even know Mt.D. existed. He said he was attracted by the “Beware of Coyotes” sign. We talked briefly. Then, on leaving, he looks at my grocery bag and says: “Enjoy your picnic.” I say: “It’s just shopping, but that’s a good idea.” (*Relates to hawk from G.C.P. hier, I think.)

September 23 dream:  Walking thru a group of gay men and their partners. Camera guy was naked with a hard-on. I had on underpants with a hard-on as well. I walked thru one part of the pool to get home.

September 23 dream:  “That’s all right. If I don’t have a family, I’ll just get even in other ways,” I say in dream. Something about dyspeptic.

September 22, 2019:  Online Trustee meeting at 9 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph there. He asks me if I’ve seen The Hitcher yet. I say I haven’t gotten it from the library yet. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk overhead. Car full of gorgeous, dangerous guys on path up to Amber Drive. Mt.D. Home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Misperception and mismanagement can lead to crisis. My conclusion: Truth is only aware of Truth, managing Itself perfectly, guiding itself righteously, bounteously through any point of crisis/decision, always beginning and ending in Truth.

September 22 dream:  Snake inside bag with extension chord. Snake gets out. Woman wants me to put it back in. I don’t want to.

September 22 dream:  Get big red box. Open it. There are shelves inside and a dummy dressed up. Also a receipt book from the police dept. I’m with Tom O.

September 22 dream:  About to kiss young man I’m with. He seems to be bracing himself.

September 21, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Coyote on the trail. Is chased off by somebody’s dog. (*Relates to tomorrow’s Trustee’s meeting?) At Safeway, Steven opens up Express Lane for me. Myka outside taking break. Gang of skateboarders at Safeway. Also long-haired interesting guy at Safeway.

September 21 nap:  Somebody telling me bad news.

September 20, 2019:  K to West Portal. Cute guy on board. Strange attitude. I tried to loosen him up. Optometrist appointment. Walk from West Portal to Arizmendi’s on 9th Avenue. Then to Peets Cole Street. Spill my drink. Take #37 to Castro. Then #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. He was unaware of today’s climate strike. Walked to Jun’s salon to get hair cut and to see Jun. He’s not going to move to N.Y.C. After all. He will be buying the salon and staying on with his wife here in S.F. I told him my haircut made me look handsome. He said if I’m happy I should bring a lady. I said: “Can I bring a gentleman?” he said: “You can.”

September 20 dream:  Switch bus drivers at rainy mall parking lot. I sit behind new driver. Old driver sits next to me.

September 19 dream:  Go to Vallejo with John F. and his friend Alyson from the “Academy.” Beautiful man and his dog waiting in line in front of us at Ferry Building. Once we are on board I talk to him briefly. Find out his pit bull dog is 7-years-old. Though she still acts like a puppy. Once we off load, I see him again and we smile. (*Relates to hawks from Sept. 17?) Walk thru Vallejo with J.F. and Alyson. Then have fish & chis at local resto and take ferry back. Get “Perfect” in W.P. Go to Peets W.P. and home. John wins on the Great British Baking Show Season 5.

September 18, 2019:  On walk to 101 from Montgomery Station, young guy runs up to me excitedly about my TYT T-shirt. He says he watches “The Damage Report” every day. He’s from Seattle. Said he was renewing his French visa. I say: “Are you going over there?” He says: “No, I already went to the embassy. I’m going to Fisherman’s Wharf to take some pictures.” I say: “No, I meant are you going to France?” See my Asian friend at 101. Two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. Guy at 19th & Castro. Guy on #35 with “Janus Films” T-shirt. He’s overweight but he gives me a look of submission which turns me on. Jordan at C.B. Meet Colby there. Black 22-year-old U.C. Santa Cruz grad who majored in sculpture. We talked for about an hour. I left just as his girlfriend arrived. #23 right away. #43 right away home. Memory: Mommy didn’t want another boy. Then I showed up.

September 17, 2019:  Get up at 7:30 a.m. or so. Very unusual for me. Drop and break my favorite coffee cup. That usually means something. Work ’til 1:30 p.m. or so. Take nap. Leave house about 3ish. Walk to G.P. Owners there. Walk thru G.C.P. See one hawk circling. Walk to Amber Drive. See two hawks circling. Then they scare off crow. Then three hawks flying with each other. Mollie Stones. Mt.D. Home. Insight: Maybe I’m taking on my father’s pain as aa way to get along with him. Then remember word loyal is related to legal, that is, the only real loyalty. Legal bond I have is not to my father but to being Itself.

September 17 dream:  Dream of floating down the corner of a room from a very high ceiling. Didn’t know how I was doing it. Decided not to question it. (*Relates to taking ferry to Vallejo on 9/18?)

September 17 dream:  Walking thru empty rooms. Said I wanted people around. Then there were lots of people around.

September 16, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Catching up on 3 days of email, etc. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Two crows playing with each other. Then lots of coyotes howling. I howl back. Hawk on Amber. Walk to Mt.D. and home. View video of my Sunday talk. Fibromyalgia: “See, Daddy, you don’t have to hit me ’cause I’m already in pain.”

September 16 dream:  Guy acting like robber lays down in doorway instead of trying to run away.

September 16 dream:  Woman follows me thru the Castro. Finally she catches up to me at a resto. She says: “That wasn’t so hard.” I agree. We’ve finalized our divorce. Later I’m sitting with group of friends about to describe the greatest nite of sex I’ve ever had. Then the whole resto gets quiet except some background noise. I ask if the management can turn it down. Then management evicts a whole bunch of people and there are just a few of us left. Later big TV woman talks about her special friend in Chicago. She says he visits her every so often and then the fun begins.

September 15, 2019:  Online H.W. Meeting at 9 a.m. My rotating deanship proposal went down 10-4. Then my talk (“The Ontological Foundation of the U.S.A.”). I got most emotional when talking about Greta Thunberg, the 15 year-old who stood up to all the powers that be and said: “Enough.” Take two hour nap after. Walk to G.P. See “Erica Edwards” therapist sign I had never seen before. Walk thru G.C.P. to Starbucks Portola. Cute baristo there. Later he came out from behind the counter. He was wearing shorts which showed off his hairless but still masculine legs. Mt.D. and home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Hardening of the arteries causes heart attack in individuals and institutions. My conclusion: The Life Force is limitless, boundless, full speed ahead, wholeness yielding to wholeness, the organizational perfection of one invulnerable Individuation.

September 15 dream:  Waiting 12 hours for my boyfriend to pick me up. See Marilyn Deurell at one point. Some Christian Scientists come in. One talks to me about his boyfriend.

September 14, 2019:  Bernie tabling with Gay at Carl & Cole from 10am-1pm. Take one hour nap after. Walk to G.P. CCSF football on the way. Rams leading opponent 40-0. Angelique at C.B. She tells me she went swimming at Baker Beach. I think: “Isn’t that a nude beach?” Later I show her short book I’m reading called She by Robert Jonson. She reads the first few pages and, when I leave, asks if she can keep it. I say, “Well, it’s a library book so I have to return it by Oct. 4.” I gave her my email. Walk through G.C.P. Realize the three hawks from hier related to my two interchanges with Angelique, not with J., as I had hoped. Walk to Mt.D. Then Safeway. Myka and Steven there. Myka tells me to look at both sides of the hong Kong story. Insight: My right to sweets a hidden revolt against my mother?

September 14 dream:  Look at real estate listing. Express my interest at real estate office. Tell them I was the one who took a typing test.

September 14 dream:  Lost in Sacramento.

September 13, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. He’s going to UC Santa Cruz starting later this month. Walk to G.P. New barista at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Three hawks distant. Then three hawks close up on Amber. Go to Mollie Stones. Then Mt.D. Meet Elliot from Manchester, UK, on top of Mt.D. We talk for about two hours. (*Relates to conversation hier on #29 to VA?) Hawk at Mt.D. as well. Mostly about his trip thru America, Jiu-jitsu. He left, saying: “I wish I could stay.”

September 13 dream:  Working at a newspaper as a dishwasher instead of an editor which I was. Get caught.

September 13 dream:  See photo of Cenk’s face in a pancake. Show it to Ana and then head to Cenk.

September 12, 2019:  VA appointment at 1 p.m. Young guy drops his key on way onto bus. Other sort of  autistic guy points it out. They sit together and get off at same stop, after an interesting conversation about sci-fi, etc. Walk from VA to Cole Valley thru G.G. Park. Think about inflammation of my pelvic area. Realize inflammation is the body trying to get rid of something it doesn’t need. Perhaps I’m trying to get rid of some of my outdated ideas about sexuality. Get anonymous call as I realize this. Royale at Peets Cole Valley. Beautiful guy named Alex on #43 home. He looked like a young Elliott Derzaph. At W.F. Japanese guy with fresh arm tattoo of manga character. He still had on bandages. He told me he got the tattoo an hour ago. I told him: “It must mean a lot to you.”

September 12 dream:  Making up a new team of Bernie supporters with new videos?

September 11, 2019:  Go to 101. Meet Jason on the Muni subway on the way. Three homeless people camping out next to our usual station. Nice to see John F. again. Two hours at Rincon. Take M to Castro. Cute guy I had cruised before got off at Castro after me. Then he adjusted his pants. I walk on to Spikes. Then back to Castro Station and got K home. Got call as soon as I got home. As I lifted my phone to my ear, it smelled bad. Shits at about 5 p.m.

September 11 dream:  Trip over mountain terrain with two other guys. Stop to take a break and get 2-1/2 pancakes and toast.

September 10, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. the back way from the 7-11 on Ocean Avenue. Casual mouse on Mt.D. Walk to G.P. Two distant hawks. Zeph at C.B. 5:30 p.m. conference call with Bernie. Get cut off before Bernie comes on. Stop by Safeway. Steven there at checkout stand. Nice to see him. Two or 3 cute guys on Frida Kahlo on way home.

September 10 dream:  Tried to control some homeless people at a do. Cute guy dancing cooly, I thought. I told woman friend: “These homeless are impossible.” (h.o.)

September 10 dream:  Donuts and libation for people. (h.o.)

September 10 dream:  At high-end place I didn’t want to be. I accidentally break a couple of dishes.

September 9, 2019:  Call AT&T in early a.m. They said to reboot twice a month and gargle once a day. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D from Ocean Avenue. Asian guy smiles at me at Faxon and Ocean. Walk from Mt.D. to G.P. Guy on Coventry Lane. Zeph at C.B. Finish He by Robert Johnson. Myka at Safeway.

September 9 dream:  I recommended their roast chicken so now everyone is getting roast chicken. At camp in woods.

September 9 dream:  Taking a test. High school kids in background. One black guy says: “This guy, they stripped him.” Unexplained welts/growths on my face.

September 8, 2019:  Heather’s Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. 10 people there. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph there. Cute Asian guy as I leave. Walk thru G.C.P. Take steep uncharted short-cut up to Turquoise Way. Guy with”Just Do It’ T-shirt on Mt.D. Translation Group in p.m. Sense testimony: Powerful weapons may be beyond the capacity of humans to handle their impulses and rage. My conclusion: Truth is one being always present in mind, where there are no mortals and there are no battles, where weapons are non-essential and the capacity of Truth is limitless and Truth is the sole handler, the sole moderation and the sole impulse.

September 8 dream:  Trying to get on some sort of program. (h.o.)

September 8 dream:  Big liberal/conservative debate coming up. (h.o.)

September 8 dream:  Peeing in outdoor glassed-in bathroom. Hope woman wasn’t offended by my peeing.

September 8 dream:  Little kid likes me. Holds my hand. Balcony collapses gradually. I take kid to safety.

September 7, 2019:  Took an hour nap. (*See dream below.) Figured out hawk eating prey from Sept. 4 relates to my call with Ben about my September 15 talk, I think. In ’til 3ish. Go to library. Mary is there for 10th anniversary. Walk to G.P. Angelique and Mae there. (*Mae relates to woman sitting on my lap from nap dream?) Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Shirtless guy rock climbing. Then dog with log in its mouth. Dead rat no longer in alley behind Mollie Stones. Steven at Safeway. I see him at deli section. He’s very happy. Then he is at checkout stand. I’m excited to check out with him. At last moment, surly young woman takes his place. Steve is still smiling. (*Relates to dead rat from hier, I think.) Trip and almost fall getting up from couch in p.m.

September 7 nap dream:  Talking about high school politics. Tom O. there. Talking about guy in Nancy’s class. Woman sits on my lap. It feels good.

September 7 dream:  Went back and picked up tape recorder guy. Tapes don’t work in the desert where we’re going.

September 6, 2019:  Ben in a.m. Take one hour nap. Walk to G.P. New barista at C.B. for 3rd day in a row. I comment on that. She gets defensive. Nasty black woman in yellow city community service vest sits next to me, talking on the phone and making all sorts of nasty noises. I imitate her. Finally she leaves. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mollie Stones Tower Market. 2 or 3 cute cashiers there. Walk to Mt.D. See big, freshly dead rat in alley behind Mollie Stones. Mt.D and home.

September 6 dream:   Sort of S&M play. I’m supposed to help other guy who is being attacked. Then several guys and some giggling women came through. Some guys are hung from meathooks. I’m relieved ’cause at least it looks realistic.

September 6 dream:  Wm. Fennie and I are both naked actors practicing a scene. Finally he agrees with me and he turns me around and starts fucking me. Some women accidentally look in and believe it’s real.

September 6 dream:  In movie, megaphone hooked up so whole school could hear guy having sex. Then it was over P.A. Then it stopped. Saw guy later. Asked him about it. He said he realized he could be happy where he was.

September 5, 2019:  Finish talk. Take two hour nap! In ’til 4ish. Walk to G.P. New barista at C.B. Walk to Muddy Waters on Valencia. Then Berniecrats meeting with Ben, Claire, Laksh, Jason, Barbara, Hemmei, etc. Shahid and Tom G. there as well. Pretty dark-skinned woman sitting next to me talked to me as if we were old friends. Kind of freaked me out a bit. #49 home. Two late night anonymous calls a little before 2 a.m.

September 5 dream:  Bootleg copy of Carol Burnett Show introduction showing Carol being friendly, funny, scary, etc.

September 4, 2019:  In ’til 1ish. Go to Rincon for two hours or so. Take BART to Glen Park. New barista there. She likes my “Bernie So Punk” T-shirt. Walk to Ocean Avenue. #29 home. Watch guy climbing into CCSF parking lot. He turns left and whips out his camera for something. I can’t imagine what so I follow in his footsteps. There is a hawk on top of a flat lamppost, eating his prey. Probably means something. We’ll see.

September 4 dream:  Want to give long-time revolutionaries a chance to bask in new facility (like Chase Center).

September 4 dream:  Did a temp job. Paid over $1,000 for one day of typing something. Nice woman employer.

September 4 dream:  J. is supposed to come over on Friday night at 8 p.m. for dinner. And then again on Saturday morning at 8 a.m. for something else. I wonder if he’ll just stay the night.

September 3, 2019:  In ’til 10:30 a.m. Appointment with Dr. Mebine for glasses. Really nice, smart, humble Asian woman doctor there. She says:  “Do you have any questions?” I think: “Are you married?” (*Relates to hard-on dream from last night?) Go to Peets West Portal. Then walk home via Mt.D. Little mouse on Mangels Avenue. Go to library. See Dakota on way back. He ignores me (because I asked out Jiro, his friend and co-worker?) Work at home. Take nap.

September 3 dream:  Hard-on dream about taking class. I’ve done none of the reading, ’cause I was busy doing other things over the weekend. Tom O. there.

September 3 dream:  Excuse myself from table which I really didn’t want to leave. Need to clean my ass. Go to hotel which is so dirty and scary. Then to mansion with spoiled children playing cruel games. Also woman trying to talk to me, when I finally find a bathroom.

September 3 dream:  Weekend of intense classes.

September 2, 2019:  Happy Labor Day or, as Jordan Chariton of Status Coup calls it, Happy Oligarch’s Day. Email from Fennie in a.m. about my proposal to rotate the deanship. He is angry and vituperative. Makes me think we hit home. Stayed in ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. C.B. crowded. Zeph there. Walk thru G.C.P. Cold and windy day. Then on to Mt.D. As I approach peak, white haired guy I felt I knew smiled at me as I am thinking about my September 15 talk. J. calls in p.m. Feel bad afterwards. (*Relates to hawks in G.C.P. and hawk at Mt.D. hier?) Insight: My desire to eat certain foods that I know will cause me pain is like my desire to answer the phone whenever it rings, although I know it will probably cause me pain as well. RHS my father in p.m. (*Relates to August 29 dream of a “final test”?)

September 2 dream:  Big hard-on dream. (*Relates to nice, cute female optometrist on 9/3?)

September 2 dream:  Go to N.Y. Don’t like it. Come home. They’re doing archeological dig in the Haight. Beautiful construction worker with thick lips. I look at him. He smiles. Then I see his twin brother. Later beautiful naked supervisor jumps into muddy pool of water. Others jump in after him.

September 1, 2019;  Bills and BB monthly update. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. He tells me about the ’80s movie “The Hitcher.” Also cute very young Japanese guy. (*Relates to distant hawks from hier?) Walk to G.C.P. Friendly black cat on the way. Some hawks overhead, louder and closer than hier. Guy running by smiles at me as I look at them. Hawk sitting on telephone pole on Mt.D. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Belonging, relatedness, connection, and acceptance is conditioned by family history. My conclusion: Truth is the only condition, the only conditioning, the only dwelling, the only dwelling place, all-accepting, all-agreeing, all-knowing and all that can be found out (all-history). Ballot for dean rotation sent out. I feel very good about it.

September 1 dream:  Start working on list of questions in law office for first time. Am taken away to do something else.

September 1 dream:  Two old women jostle in front of me in line. Then I wake up and everybody is gone to the next floor where there is an X’mas party. Carol C. there and her boyfriend Niles, who had kissed me earlier.

September 1 dream:  A very tall Tom C. and others walking out of resto. They don’t see me walking in.

August 31, 2019:  Listened to Roger Hallam, founder of Extinction Rebellion. Very moved. (*Relates to first dream of August 30?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. Also Walter. Some distant hawks at G.C.P. Two friendly pit bulls humping each other on Mt.D. Shits at Safeway. Myka and Steven there. Myka is taking 18 units at SFSU. Listened to Aretha in p.m.

August 30, 2019:  In ’til 1ish. Henry at library. I told him I had quit the History of China class that he took as well. K to Rincon. Tow hours at Rincon. Beautiful multi-racial guy sitting at table. I passed by him twice. The second time we made contact. F to Castro. Walk past The Cove and 440 Club to 19th & Castro. #35 to G.P. New barista at C.B. She told me she had a dream that she was working on the Bernie campaign. Waiting for #36, meet guy who works for “Plenty,” a hydroponic food company. I said, “You must have had to get all kinds of degrees for that.” he said, “No, I just interview well.” I believe it. Talk with Jesse at Monterey & Gennessee. He said he’s thinking of moving to Japan. #43 home. See “Surprises are coming” in p.m.

August 30 dream:  9/11 has just happened again. The fire chief won’t turn on the fire hose. And we need to get going.

August 30 dream:  Took vacation with bus load of people. Had to give up my apartment to do so. Now I’ve got to find new apartment.

August 29, 2019:  In ’til 2ish. #43 to Arizmendi Bakery. Then #37 to the Castro. Stop by The Cove to see Jiro. The place is empty. Jiro is at the cash register. He looks gorgeous. I ask him if he’d like to go out with me sometime. He doesn’t seem too thrilled. He says, “Maybe.” I give him my phone number. (*Relates to slipping hier on Mt.D.?) At least I had the balls to ask him out. Stop briefly at 440 Club after. (*See skunk from hier?) Then onto G.P. C.B. is filled so I walk thru G.C.P. Hear coyotes howling at passing sirens. Then stop at Starbucks Portola. Young h.s. student in line compliments me on my TYT T-shirt and my “Bernie” button. When he opened his wallet, I noticed his ACLU card and complimented him on that. Walk to Mt.D. and home.

August 29 dream:  Taking final test and they run out of paper and ask me if it’s a problem for me to get more. I say, “No.” So I’m out looking for blank paper and someone is talking to me about Billye Talmadge and what a “shooting star” she is. I have one half hour to finish test. Should be enough time.

August 29 dream:  Climb into sort of work prison. As I climb out, I say, “We are free.” Guy says to me: “Who’s free?” I say, “Anybody who wants to be.”

August 29 dream:  Continuing class with two black women and and one white guy. We are getting our food from a small fridge. Apparently I had all mine with me. Guy picks me up. It feels good.

August 28, 2019:  Tabling for Bernie at SFSU. Nobody shows up. I take M to Castro. Stop at The Cove. Order pancakes. My waiter was the same guy I saw hier. He says, without my asking anything, that Jiro won’t be in ’til tomorrow at 2 p.m. Take me and “Bernie” home via #35, #36 and #43. Work on BB. Take nap. Walk to Mt.D. Slip on way down. Then arrogant woman, and skunk running into the bushes. Guy at Ridgewood/Monterey bus stop same as guy from August 5. I imagined being fucked by him. It turned me on.

August 28 dream:  Taking special test for an elite group.

August 28 dream:  Guy as a joke puts four ear plugs in my right ear without my knowing it. I take them out.

August 28 dream:  Pretty woman with cute though motionless puppy tries to get on my good side.

August 27, 2019:  In ’til about 4:30ish, working on my Sept. 15 talk. Walk to Miramar and up to Mt.D. On way down, see mouse, hawk sitting on telephone pole, and skunk. Talk with Ryan at W.F., who had just dyed his hair a striking blond.

August 27 dream:  Working at job I didn’t understand.

August 26, 2019:  Bernie tabling at SFSU from 10 a.m. to noon with Heidi and “Hemming.” “Bernie” a big hit. Lots of gorgeous guys. Took M to the Castro to talk with Jiro. He wasn’t there. I’ll try again on Friday. Walk into 440 briefly just to give the old fogies a thrill. See Austin from Spikes on Castro. #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. #23 and #43 home. 30 minute fire drill at 4:55 p.m. Met Andrew from W.F. outside.

August 26 dream:  Washing dishes for Bernie campaign. Sups sort of dismissive.

August 26 dream:  Walk by J’s house. He has on red shirt. Then he is shirtless. He’s grown burly with a hairy back. His friend catches up to me on the sidewalk. He says that I’m an honorary member of the household. I said: “I’ve never been there.” He said: “You’ve got a bed. I made it.”

August 26 dream:  Sue Beck gives me envelope (from Thane?) at West Portal station. It says: “You’re going to win tonight.”

August 25, 2019:  Online H.W. Meeting at 9 a.m. About 13 attended. The big draw was my proposal to rotate the deanship every two years. Took nap after. Then walked to G.P. Zeph at C.B. I took his photo. Walked thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. to home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People are more driven by cult of personality (tribal loyalty) than by the love of truth. My conclusion: Leaders are those who love who/what they are (the Truth) and who know and show the Truth, the equality of personhood, welcoming all beliefs and believers with open arms.

August 25 dream:  My co-worker drafting up an Abatement and a Statement of Non-Recurrence about something. In fact, four of them.

August 25 dream:  Dream of the word “pilas” (which means dick in Portuguese; also plural of pilum, a sort of Roman javelin).

August 25 dream:  Policeman being sued on a shopping list of accounts.

August 25 dream:  In Paris, trying to register for classes. I’m with guy who doesn’t really want to be there. It starts raining. Guy says to baby girl: “I have most of my classes.” Baby girl: “Give me back my computer doll.” Guy: “That dog is a lot smarter than your computer doll.”

August 25 dream:  Looking at photo of naked guy with tan line in a room full of clothed people. Two guys come in my bedroom. One from the window, one from the door. One short, one tall. I’m scared stiff. I weakly throw my alarm clock at the short one. Then at the taller one. It’s raining outside. Big cat runs through. We chase it. Old woman next door says that the men have entered her place before. And that they have some sort of problem.

August 24, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walked to G.P. Went to C.B. No one there. I waited several minutes for a barrista/o. Finally Angelique appeared. But by then I had decided to go to the Castro instead and try to get in touch with Jiro. So I get on #35 to visit Jiro at The Cove. Manager was outside cleaning tables when I arrived and he told me Jiro was working in the back this weekend and that he’d be in the front in a couple of weeks. (*Relates to 2nd dream of August 24?) So I walked down Castro to Spikes. Guy I didn’t know said hello to me. I looked at him. He said: “I just wanted to say hello.” Then Spikes was too crowded so I took #35 back to C.B. Angelique still there. Less crowded though. Walked to Safeway. Was going to stop by Jun’s but he wasn’t in. See Myka and Steven at Safeway. Myka talks about the dead Koch brother. I talked about Bernie.

August 24 dream:  Al greeting other Prosperos with hugs. Me more formally. Someone suggests an office of Translator-in-Chief which would be what future generations would look to.

August 23, 2019:  Volunteer for Bernie at 11 a.m. We get our posts right away. Then just stand around ’til 3:15 when town hall started. It was held at the former Honda dealership which was the former home of Fillmore West before it was moved to Fillmore and Geary. When program started I stood between two hot guys eyeing each other throughout. Cute Asian guy after. He was wearing a red T-shirt but wanted to buy a blue T-shirt. I said to him: “I think you’re a red.” Then he tried to buy his T-shirt from me. I said: “No. I’m just a color commentator.” Then take K to Castro. Get off at Laguna to follow cute guy in green. Then walk to Castro. Stop by Cove to talk to Dakota. Then start talking to his workmate. He walks out. I follow him. Try to speak Spanish and he tells me his name is Jiro (pronounced “hero”). I say: “I’ll stop by again.” (*Relates to dream of August 22?) Then to G.P. and C.B. Then #36 home. Etc.

August 23 dream:  Dream woman leaves her baby with us at Bernie event at former Fillmore West.

August 23 dream:  Go to work on my day off. Building is about to be evacuated.

August 22, 2019:  K to Rincon. Beautiful but inscrutable guy sitting across from me. I wanted to tear his clothes off and fuck him. The idea excited me. Was going to Rincon but decided to go to Berkeley instead. Then decided to go to Rockridge. Meet Malakhi on train. (He gave me his card.) He’s a gorgeous high school grad who told me all about his non-profit to help students in Puerto Rico. He’s flying there on Monday. Went all the way to Pleasant Hill. Then doubled-back to Rockridge. Get a little lost on College Avenue. Significant eye contact with passing stranger. Stop by by Peets. See guy wearing T-shirt with “C.I.T.” on the back. Read my papers. Then walk to downtown Berkeley. Find Revolution Books. Then go to cafe on Durant. Decide not to go to George Washington panel at Revolution Books. Miss first AC bus to city. Car drives by with pile of white guys yelling the N-word at the black people hanging out on the bench behind me. AC bus arrives at new Transbay Terminal. Kind of anti-climactic. Guy on K. Then 2nd guy on K on way home. Henry at W.F. Letter from Sonoma BMR apts. Thought it was an acceptance letter. Instead, it was only an acknowledgement letter.

August 22 dream:  Looking at line of barely clad blond man in bondage at prison. One was loose and the overseer tried to convince him he had an oblation to the state.

August 21, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. and then Mt.D. Then W.F. Follow cute guy to egg dept. I was about to talk to him when I noticed he had ear plugs on. Then felt bad for not talking to him. Waiting in line at W.F. cafe, even cuter guy with muscle T-shirt (and the muscles to match) and shorts. He had ear plugs in as well and was texting someone, but I interrupted him anyhow. He had a cauliflower ear so I asked if he was a wrestler. He said he used to be. Now he’s a rookie policeman. I said: “That’s not the new uniform, is it?” He laughed. Then called me “Sir.” Insight: I love my father but I’ve been trying to get away from him forever. (*Relates to Harriet first dream of Aug. 19, I think.)

August 21 dream:  My place of work has been remodeled. I’m looking for a restroom. Go into place called “Little Boys Room.” It’s a sort of barbershop filled with men, mostly of color. Hallway is filled with people (also mostly of color) leaving work.

August 21 dream:  Did something wrong but wasn’t fessing up to the people driving the car from one end of the peninsula to the other.

August 20, 2019:  Dental appt. at 10 a.m. Then walk thru the Castro to Spikes. Austin there. Bought T-shirt. Waited for #35 at 19th & Castro. Took off my shirt and put on my new T-shirt. #35 to G.P. Meet new barristo at C.B. Very cute, likable, sweet SFSU student trying to get into their psychology program. #23 and #43 home. Worked on Sept. 15 talk and Powerpoint. Walk to Mt.D. and back. Looked at the word “willful.”

August 20 dream:  Dream I’m late for work. It’s 11:30 a.m. My apt. is water logged and the door and lock automatically pop open. And co-worker says I have spots on my forehead.

August 20 dream:  Event at Saratoga house. Hanz leaves in his one person car. I’m sorry to see him go. Harriet and Obe there. I think: “I’m 74. Why am I still living in my father’s house?”

August 19, 2019:  Bernie tabling at CCSF opening day from 10 a.m. to noon with Patrick and young woman whose name I forgot. History of China class at 1:10 p.m. About all 18- y-o Chinese-American kids. Pretty much decided not to continue ’til I encountered guy afterwards who related to the hawk I saw hier at G.C.P. Go home. Walk to G.P. New barista at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P to Mt.D. and Home. See Isaiah at W.F. I joke: “So how are things with the Old Testament?” He says: “Oh, because of my name?” I say: “Yeah. Maybe you should read it. Maybe there’s a message in there for you.”

August 19 dream:  A moment of honesty in my relationships. I am left admiring Harriet, of all people. I smile at her. She says: “Do you want some gum?” I say: “Sure.” (h.o.)

August 19 dream:  In new city. Walking by steep wall. Train comes by. I want to continue walking.

August 18, 2019: Ben’s Translation workshop at 11 a.m. Wonderful. About 19 attended. Then when I left home about 3ish realized I had lost my little portable camera. So I Translated “loss.” Then walked to G.P. Decided to stop by all the places I had stopped by hier, even the liquor store where I bought a newspaper. And midway thru asking, store clerk reached behind the counter and gave me my camera back. I had dropped it on the floor hier. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk on the way. Then to Mt.D. Large black poodle sniffed my crouch rather than the bag I was carrying as most dogs do. Still high from Translation workshop. Walk to W.F. Then follow guy on bike I thought might have been my linguist friend from Aug. 16. Run into extremely well-built Asian guy and his girlfriend on Ocean. He seemed to insist that I notice him. So I did. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Dominating people dismiss others which keeps principle from manifesting. My conclusion: Truth is the first and only Principle underlying the undismissable equality of goodness and importance self-evident in the manifestation of Oneness exemplified everywhere.

August 18 dream:  One of the family employees lets two of the children in a car loose on a steep road, but charged after and got them. I said to her: “Welcome to my side of the family.”

August 18 dream:  We are invited into pool where we are threatened by Japanese dolls. One woman says: “That makes an excellent pet.”

August 17, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Korean guy at liquor store recommends Berlioz’s Requiem. Angelique at C.B. Cute well-built Asian guy comes in and in goes out. Also guy with Kamasi Washington T-shirt. Walk thru G.C.P. Shits at Mollie Stones. On to Mt.D. Then Myka and Steven at Safeway. Talk with Myka about Hong Kong. Talk with young man on #43 home about TYT and Jimmy Dore.

August 17 dream:  Dealing with officious, then helpful, then officious lady at office which had been partially destroyed.

August 17 dream:  Worried about possibly overlapping appointments.

August 16, 2019:  Anonymous calls at 7 a.m. and 8 a.m. Take K downtown. Meet cute linguist reading “Don’t sleep: There are snakes.” When we part, he says, “It was nice meeting you.” And he touched my shoulders. (*Relates to “total success” from August 14?) 101 with John F. Two hours at Rincon. Cute guy with tight white shorts, lifted his sweater which was wrapped around his waist to reveal his amazing ass. F to Castro. Then #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. #23 and #43 home.

August 16 dream:  Want to go home and tell everyone about my progress. My boss advises me to stay here.

August 16 dream:  Thane disciplines me. I thought: “I’m never going to allow you to do that to me again.” Then I try to put out ember.

August 15, 2019:  In ’til 1ish. Walked to Barbara & Noel’s to pick up “Bernie.” Noel drove us home. Call from someone claiming to be from the Bernie Sanders Washington, D.C., headquarters, thanking me for contributing to the campaign. Cartoonishly hot, hot guy outside my back door. I felt lustful, but not in a good way. Usually lusting after somebody is fun, especially if they are enjoying being lusted after. But this guy wasn’t, though he was certainly dressed to attract attention. Walked to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Hot day. Walked thru G.C.P. Tripped on log. Cut hand after cruising skateboarder. Went into Starbucks to wash hand. Walk to Mt.D. and then to W.F. Cute gay guy smiles at me as I enter W.F. 2 or 3 anonymous calls from disgruntled caller.

August 15 dream:  Filling out end of year (end of job?) insurance firms.

August 14, 2019:  Meet with Ben online about his upcoming Translation workshop. Joe comes in at the end. Several calls in the a.m. relate to hawks from hier at G.C.P.? Take nap. In ’til 4ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Little girl and mother(?) come in just as I’m leaving. Walk thru G.C.P. about an hour later than usual. Cyclist at O’Shaughnessy and Portola relates to shirtless runner from hier at C.G.P.? Guy with saw in left hand and shovel in right hand walking down the middle of the road says to me: “Good afternoon.” Friendly old guys on top of Mt.D. Then black woman in Army camo outfit with U.S. flag. Followed by camera crew.

August 14 dream:  Harriet and Nancy and Laurie and I visit Santa Cruz. I stay with Bill Floyd (Bill Fortis). He asked about my 9/20 blanket. I told him we got rid of that on the first day.

August 14 dream:  Out at fancy place for dinner with someone (Tom O.?). I was worried I was spending too much.

August 13, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then to G.P. Angelique at C.B. Cute little girl (and her mother?) sitting next to me. I say good-bye to her when I leave. Hawks at G.C.P. See “total success” on way to get haircut with Jun. He said he’s going to China for a month in November. Then on to N.Y. October 28 is his last day. I told him I was going to take a course on the history of China. He said I should learn Chinese instead.

August 13 dream:  Asking Jean Evans about music DVD I had checked out before but didn’t understand.

August 12, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Angelique at C.B. Scary-looking black homeless guy comes in. I make decision that if he does anything to her I would defend her. He asks for water. Angelique helps him. Hawks in G.C.P. Shirtless runner on G.C.P. path. I ogle him. He smiles back. My W.F. friend ignores me again. (*See diary of August 8.) Two or three guys and one gal at W.F. cafe. We had 86 clicks hier on the BB.

August 12 dream:  Trying out for SNL. Don’t have many lines. Other actors are weird rather than funny.

August 12 dream:  Saying goodbye to Chris H. Tom C. impressing people.

August 12 dream:  Getting ready for big talk or something.

August 11, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. See Jared (*from diary of April 1) on Ocean Avenue. I hardly recognized him. He looked bad. He didn’t recognize me. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. Shits at G.C.P. Walk to Mt.D. Fallen tree on path. Cute house painters on way down. (*Relates to guy from hier on Bella Vista?) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Debt can be misrepresented and inflated such that it causes victimization. My conclusion: Truth, the only premise, the only conclusion, presents its presents/presence presently, by committing Truth, openly, flawlessly and uninflatably, its only obligation being to Itself.

August 11 dream:  REO Speedwagon and labor unions.

August 10, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Guy walking down Bella Vista Drive. Looks back at me and adjusts his pants. Then Safeway. Then home. Insight: My “right to chocolate” is a substitute for my “right to sex.”

August 10 dream:  Try to put ___ into muffin and throw it outside. Now the dog wants the muffin. I fight to get it away. Wake up.

August 9, 2019:  Tough night last night. In ’til 3ish. When I got up to leave, had a tremendous pain in my left side. Made it painful to walk. Walked to G.P anyhow. Zeph at C.B. By the time I left the pain was gone. Realized later that the pain related to Facebook comment from somebody who thought my mentioning two young guys butt-bumping each other and the shits I had the day before as well as two hawks playing with each other at G.C.P., also on the day before, was “gross.” This may have also related to the tough nite I had last nite. I went over all kinds of possible responses to this person but finally realized she wasn’t really interested in what I was trying to describe. I don’t know what her intention was, but it no longer interested me. Emergency shits at Mollie Stones. Talked with Derek again. Mt.D. Home.

August 9 dream:  Visiting my parents. Invite them to L’Chaine d’Or at movie house in L.A. It’s about how to do movie lettering. And then on the second night, there is something related. They sound interested.

August 8, 2019:  Go over to Barbara’s from Berniecrats to get wood frame for “Bernie.” Walk from Ingleside to Arizmendi on 9th Avenue. Woman on N said she was going to stand by me. I said: “I’ll only be here a short while.” She said: “That’s okay.” I asked her if she was from Texas. She said, “Yes.” Peets Cole Street. Baristo had “Christian” name tag on. I said, “Are you Christian?” He said, “No, I’m wearing this for somebody else. I want to give him some cred.” I said, “I’m sure you will.” Later found out his name is “Royale.” #43 home. My W.F. friend (*see diary of July 23) ignores me. I flirt with two “exchange workers” from W.F. San Mateo on way out. Hear “carpe diem” again on TV. MSM book: Hope there’s a “happy ending” in at least two senses of that term.

August 8 dream:  Me getting very emotional about woman about to leave.

August 8 dream:  Living at larger Vantaggio Suites. Lots of cute young men there. I was living on the 9th floor. I play evil old guy with two older women.

August 8 dream:  Rushing all over the house for a belt that fits me.

August 7, 2019:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Cute guy at Super Duper. Two hours at Rincon. Then walk thru Castro with “Bernie.” See “Carpe Diem” on Castro. Talked with cute street performer at 18th & Castro. Jordan at C.B. My pants rub against the back of my legs and remind me of extreme sexual memory/feeling while waiting at Bosworth and Diamond. Guy passing noticed and seemed to want to take part. (*Relates to flood dream of August 5, I think.) #36 and #43 home. Think I’ve solved my YouTube framing problem.

August 7 dream:  Marcia is in a prison cell with the door open. She warns me to get away. She doesn’t recognize me. I say, “Marcia, It’s Michael.” “Michael?” she says. We embrace. Others are affected by the therapeutic moment. (h.o.)

August 7 dream:  Young William Fennie shows me maraschino cherry in his mouth. “It’s for people who want to suck on something.”

August 6, 2019:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Peets Cole Street. Then to Berniecrats meeting at Page Street library. Patrick there. Also Barbara, Winnie, Ben. Met Eric recently from Austin. Cute guy with baby in library before. Reminded me of Eric Newton.

August 6 dream:  Something about Trump.

August 5, 2019:  Worked on video of MSM, Chapter 1. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Shits (again) at G.C.P. At end of park, two high school kids playing with each other, the short one bumping butts with the taller one (*Relates to two hawks playing with each other hier at G.C.P., I think.) Continue walk to Mt.D. Rat scurries across my path suddenly and quickly. Freaks me out a bit. Then at Ridgewood/Monterey bus stop, middle-aged Latino guy chats me up. Didn’t realize it ’til a little later. (*Relates to shits of hier and also hawk on Mt.D. from hier, I presume.)

August 5 dream:  I am woman in skirt guy is getting hard over. Then I am guy listening to woman say: “I’ve slept with both sexes. I don’t see what’s so exciting about sleeping with a woman.” (h.o.)

August 5 dream:  Make date to meet woman at Christian Science Sunday Meeting .

August 5 dream:  TV guy announcing storm. Suddenly water level is window-high and he cuts off. Water is blue, not muddy.

August 5 dream:  Leigh is driving and she drives over steep ridge. Says it will slowly take us down and it does, but it’s not fun. Then to apt. of her friend who is having a party. Aunt Joanne there. Looks great. I compliment her on her hair. She likes that. Other woman who I had met before tells me how full of “chi” she feels. I ask her what that means. Marion Bell there also, involved in new play. I say: “It’s good to keep busy.”

August 5 dream:  Bernie supporters stop by while I’m sorting my files. They are excited about how well he is doing. I give one a jazz L.P. I keep the other L.P.

August 4, 2019:  Trustees meeting at 9 a.m. Pretty good meeting. Take nap after. Then in ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Two hawks playing with each other in the sky. On to Mt.D. Feel progressively “shittier.” Turn back to take emergency shits at Starbucks Portola. Hawk on Mt.D. Something loudly falls into the bushes. Volunteered to give Sunday Meeting talk on September 15. My title: “The Ontological Foundation of the United States of America.” Get home to blank phone message from 6:02 p.m. (*Relates to shits from hier, I guess.) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Absconding undermines rule of law and creates victims. My conclusion: Truth, being lawful, predictable, repeatable, accountable, constant, un-underminable, all out in the open, always wins. Insight: “You’ve got to pay for it or it’s not worth anything.”

August 4 dream:  Dream of trying to get room to lay down and go to sleep.

August 4 dream:  Mary Ritley in Chicago. I give her a card. I can’t find her so give it to a work mate. He says: “I’ve just sat down” but he helps me anyway.

August 4 dream:  Last day in Corvallis. Try to buy local paper but they’re out. Buy Sunday Chronicle instead. And borrow Bar-B-Q ’til tomorrow. Cute salesman climbs over counter.

August 3, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Forgot my pen so no crossword puzzle. Walk thru G.C.P. Feel “shittier” and “shittier.” Take emergency shits at Mollie Stones Portola around 5 p.m. Meet Derek at checkout counter. Then on to Safeway. Myka there. Good to see him again. Also Steven. As I was leaving, security guards seem to be on high alert about something.

August 3 dream:  My neighbor is getting dressed casually so we can go and confront somebody about something.

August 3 dream:  Aunt Joanne is sick. Newspaper pictured all the people that were sick and took photos. In the photos all the people were laying in open coffins. I was glad the photo was not in the newspaper. Aunt Joanne showed me card from somebody in South Africa. Aunt Joanne doodling in French. I cut off a piece of her cardboard card with a knife. Not sure why I did that.

August 2, 2019:  6 a.m. fire alarm. I don’t think anybody in the building fell for it. Go to VA for 2:20 p.m. appointment. Then walk thru G.G.P. to 9th Avenue. Beautiful, unexpected man at Balboa and 38th Avenue. He was with a group of young men and women, maybe from some European country. Originally I was interested in somebody else, but this guy caught my eye and vice versa. RHS my father and me for our “moment of confusion” in his bedroom. Then got call for John Pinkerton again. Girl asks me: “Why are you playing with me?” I say: “Because I’m an idiot.” Girl at S.F. Botanical Garden liked my “Frisco” shirt and like me as well. N to Peets Cole Valley. Cute baristo there. #43 home.

August 1, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry at library said he didn’t like the instructor of the History of China course he took and I’m going to take at CCSF. Walk to G.P. Woman gives me come-on look at grocery store on way. Zeph at C.B. Two women sitting next to me made me feel desirable/uncomfortable. Lost two pieces of mail on the way there so I retraced my steps. Found them in the street on San jose Avenue. Decide to just go home. Stop by W.F. first. Guy in line with his girlfriend smiles at me. So does security guard on way out.

August 1 dream:  In basement mall full of people, cute guy I sort of knew who was with another guy touches me on the chest and says, “Have sex.” I said, “Okay.” Then I followed him out. Smiled excitedly at other guy I knew. Then lost them. Keep arriving at deli in which everybody sings and dances like a musical.

August 1 dream:  At school party somebody pointed out so-called healthy cookies “for me and the mister.”

August 1 dream:  Doing flower arrangement at work. Get note from lady at 40 Jones Street wishing me well.

July 31, 2019:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Then two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. Meet nice Chinese woman who likes “Bernie.” Walk with “Bernie” thru the Castro. #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. #23 and #43 home. On #43 meet guy from Norway who says I’d be very welcome to visit there. Blank message from 4:33 p.m. when I get home. Don’t know why my secret admirer doesn’t just leave me an F-ing message.

July 31 dream:  Working on campaign. Call one of my friends an asshole for ringing the bell and then not really wanting to come in . (h.o.)

July 31 dream:  Re-enter the Navy as a Seaman 2nd class. Someone tries to say that Kamala Harris provided a lot of jobs. I correct them.

July 31 dream:  Return home after vacation with Tom O., another guy and a girl who liked me. We put all my stuff in a “summer room.” Girl went thru my passport to make sure everything was there.

July 31 dream:  Judi Dench and I are in park outside of S.F. called Acacia (which Judi says means ten birth). It’s very beautiful. Guy throws frisbees and other things. I think, when I get married I would like to do it there, maybe. Another park nearby which looked familiar. Robin Williams joins us at the end.

July 31 dream:  A work, but wanted to play with little baby with hardly any legs. Womanish man was practicing her singing.

July 30, 2019:  Taped Chapter 1 of my book My Soul Mates. In ’til 3ish. Avalon office manager says I’m good for another year. Henry at library. I mentioned that I would be taking History of China at CCSF. He said he took that course as well. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Winded dog climbing steps to Mt.D. (with cute owner). When I reach base of Mt.D., woman asks me, “Is everything okay? Is it too wet?” Two cats on fence on Coventry Lane.

July 30 dream:  At party, guy asks me if I can get him an interview with Bernie. I say, “I know a few people.” I eat a big slab of meat. John H. there also.

July 30 dream:  Suzanne Deakins dropped by with a friend of mine who had asked me to take one of her “shorting” classes. We talked about the wonderful progressive things they are doing in Canada.

July 30 dream:  Max Gill is name of publisher in my book. Elizabeth Warren is helping me with it. We’re in building in Chicago. Lots of cold leakage stirred up in closet just rained down on us.

July 30 dream:  In L.A., trying to take #9 bus. Two pass me by. I reach municipal bus station Lots of coins on the ground keep appearing. I buy tickets. Beautiful big private pool in background.

July 29, 2019:  In a.m., thinking about fucking John H. Get anonymous call. Later jerk off. More anonymous calls. Walk to Mt.D. Then Teresita. Get lost. Finally arrive at G.P. Angelique at C.B. Electricity is off. Cute guy at C.B. talks to me about Bernie. #23 and #43 to W.F. Then home. Insight: Feel I didn’t have the right to grieve my mother’s murder.  Me to my step-mother: You took away not only my father, but my lover.

July 29 dream:  Different aspects of America were paraded by. Liberals were quiet during the “strong” portion.

July 29 dream:  At retirement home, trying to find place to pee.

July 29 dream:  Go back to place of party of the weekend before. Jody Vanda with me. We’re at the port. Jody wants to talk to captain of nearby vessel. He and I had a history. I forgot to bring my ticket.

July 28, 2019:  H.W. Meeting at 9 a.m. Hard night before. Meeting went well. (*Relates to dream of July 27, I think.) Take nap after. In ’til 3ish. Walk thru W.F. to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Siamese cat runs away from me on Amethyst. Stop at Mollie Stones Portola. Sweet young man there helps me find Greek salad. (*Relates to shits and hawk from hier?) On to Mt.D. Friendly cat plays with my shoe laces on Juanita. #43 right away. Walk thru W.F. again. Cute young dark-haired friend there. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Individuals and communities have no power when boundaries are not valued. My conclusion: Truth is the only Individual, our only commonality, always at hand, and boundless. Insight: I never stood up to my mother, either.

July 28 dream:  There is no third way to Trump.

July 28 dream:  Waiting in line at cafe. Meet cute black guy I had had class with. Then wait a long time. Then Heather shows up as a worker there. I say: “Are you a part of this?”

July 27, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Emergency shits there about 4 p.m. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk midway through. On to Mt.D. My pants rip as I lean down to get $1 for homeless guy. Then to Safeway. (*Bump on the head from hier relates to the Deli Dept. being closed. I flared in anger.) #43 bus right away. Get to my apt. entryway. See interesting guy walk into W.F. Follow him. Can’t find him. But do find other interesting guy. We exchange glances. Then, later, I feel bad about it. (*Relates to nail from hier? “If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” In other words, I always question myself after such encounters.)

July 27 dream:  Guy drives car over ridge and kills himself and others. Bill O’Reilly comes in saying Christ has cancer. Barking dog is soothed. (*Relates to High Watch meeting on July 28 a.m., I think.)

July 26, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. As I leave we exchange looks. (*Relates to young black & white hawk on G.C.P. from hier, I think.) Then on G.C.P., get one ring call and return call and leave message. (*Relates to two hawks hier at end of G.C.P, I think.) Bump head in G.C.P. Also see nail on step at G.C.P. Walk to Mt.D. Young black dog being held back by her young owners. Dog is afraid of me. Walk home.

July 26 dream:  New generation of managers at work. I try to get out of meeting but am forced to attend and listen.

July 26 dream:  Preparing for big political event. Then we go into church where event will be held. I think I’d like to take public transit home but I’ll probably end up with somebody giving me a ride.

July 26 dream:  Run into Michael Kelly at Safeway on outer Mission. We talk. Then he walks away. I walk after him. He’s got patches on his eyes. I realize he can’t see me. I ask him if he wants a hug. We hug.

July 25, 2019:  Jerk off about 2 p.m. Get phone call before and during. (*Relates to last dream of July 23, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Also cute smiling Asian guy I sat next to. And Mario Lopez look-alike who sat near me, then moved away. Walk thru G.C.P. Young black & white hawk flies overhead. As I exit park, two hawks overhead. Follow cute guy into Pop’s Sandwich Shop near Mollie Stones’ Portola. Then to Miraloma Market. He turns left and gives $1 to homeless guy. So do I. Continue on to Mt.D. and home. Break dish in p.m.

July 25 dream:  In Paris, I was telling my friend that it reminds me of S.F. That looking towards the hills of Marin is like looking towards Madrid. My guy friend had to run off somewhere. My girlfriend was mad at me.

July 24, 2019:  101 with John F. from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. See my Asian friend. Also guy who looked alluring, then turned out not to be. I grabbed my ass as I walked away. Cute, hot guy at Super Duper who I wolf-whistled at. He didn’t seem to mind. Then Rincon ’til 3ish. L to Castro. Beautiful day. I’m carrying “Bernie” with me all day. So I get all kinds of smiles, honks, etc. On Castro talked to two sort of mentally-challenged young men. One supported Biden. The other in front of 19th & Castro store. #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. He’s anxious to get to Friday so he can drive to L.A. to see his girlfriend. #23 to Railroad Expresso. Talk to Jesse briefly. Then #43 home. Still feel badly about Rick’s email response to me which I felt revealed his real loyalties to the status quo rather than to the school.

July 24 dream:  Make chocolate frappes. First batch didn’t go so well.

July 23, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Seemed a little tired. Walk thru G.C.P. Cute guy with big fat black dog who jumped up on me. On to Mt.D. Another younger thinner black dog jumps on me. Walk to W.F. Black guy on Frida Kahlo. At W.F. I talk to my friend from July 1 and before. He gives me health drink on the house. (*Relates to hawk from hier at G.C.P.?) Skunk from hier relates to response from Rick Thomas to my email about becoming a trustee: “And Yep, will keep you in mind for the next vacancy.”

July 23 dream:  Big poodle sitting on my lap, breathing on me under my shirt as I get ready to read part in old-fashioned play.

July 23 dream:  Figuring out payment for house. First payment is $800 per month

July 23 dream:  “Happy O Night” (“O” refers to orgasm.) Partners have orgasms separately.

July 22, 2019:  Anonymous 3-ring wake-up call at 9:15 or so. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Guy at liquor store says to me: “I know you’re handsome, but …” That undid me. Angelique at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to Amethyst Way. See hawk overhead. Talk with neighbor about the hawk family. Hot guy going into Mollie Stones Portola. I circle around the block to follow him. Stand behind him while he looks at muffins. He ignores me. Meet Pixie the dog and her owner on top of Mt.D. I almost trip and fall on leaving her. Skunk on path down. Guy on #43 talking excitedly to bus driver about healing through sound. I had met guy a few times before while passing out Bernie lit with Patrick at CCSF. Guy also ignored me. Stand up for God in my head when somebody online or in movie is critical.

July 22 dream:  Hard-on dream.

July 22 dream:  Tiger in the mall parking lot. Makes a half-hearted attempt on dog.

July 22 dream:  I cross tracks to get pieces of old box. Two others came competing for it, one a scientologist.

July 22 dream:  Tough black guy going after somebody. Then black dominatrix goes after him. Bernie in jeans sitting on bench waiting to go someplace.

July 22 dream:  Visiting old lady. Think I should go home [and I wake up].

July 21, 2019:  William Fennie in a.m. meeting. I felt such love for him, it was unnerving, ’cause usually I can’t stand him. Hot Asian guy liked my Bernie T-shirt at liquor store on way to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Take higher path at G.C.P. Two hawks overhead. Beautiful Asian guy waiting at #36 stop on Fowler Avenue. We made significant eye contact. On to Mt.D. Translation group in p.m. Ben G. joins us. Sense testimony: Family can be needed. Family can be painful. Family can be present or absent. My conclusion: Truth dwells everywhere in a family/household of perfect, harmonious, effortless formation, with only masters (no slaves) and lacking only absence.

July 21 dream:  Moving in with new roommate. He’s spotting me some money ’til I get moved in.

July 20, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. Good to see him again. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Bad smelling old man standing next to me for far too long. Walk on upper path of G.C.P. to Mt.D. Then to Safeway. Steven smiles in spite of himself when he sees me. Later he tries to ignore me. Myka there for the first time in many weeks. He has sore throat. Beautiful guy with dimples smiles at me as I exit #43. Then see Isaiah sitting outside W.F. as I enter home.

July 20 dream:  Bernie support in Paris.

July 20 dream:  Picking up herbal supplies for the month and days to come.

July 20 dream:  Guy trying to make his get away. Bob M. witnesses him. Guy throws unused milk into coffee tray.

July 20 dream:  Replanting trees in Washington state. Michelle Obama there.

July 19, 2019:  Get anonymous call while fantasizing about Saw actor Leigh Whannel. In ’til 1ish. Go to Rincon for two hours or so. Me: “I should be able to have that chocolate bar.” My body: “Not so fast, hot shot.” Then F to Castro. Guy on F who was apparently straight. Then young man on Castro working for Doctors without Borders. Then stop by the Cove to talk with Dakota. After, see my Doctors without Borders guy again. Meet cute friendly neighborhood guy at 19th & Castro. He and I and third person strike up quite a conversation about Muni. Go to G.P. Three German guys on #35. Two men of color. The third one accidentally kicks me on exiting. Angelique at C.B. Listening to Dreamville rap. Forgot my credit card at the checkout place. Fellow patron returned it to me. At Monterey and Gennessee, woman called out to me. She said, “Muni won’t be coming. They’re always late. I can drive you to Glen Park if you want.” I declined as I was going the other way. Then talked briefly with Jesse at Railroad Expresso. Then Pakwan resto. Then home.

July 19 dream:  Group of us trying to fall asleep and stay asleep in two different rooms. Some wake up. Police come in. (h.o.)

July 19 dream:  Anti-crime convention. We competed for best song.

July 19 dream:  Caught up at work. They said I should watch a film on the island of Geronimo.

July 19 dream:  Group of us climb to top of my apartment building on Market. When we get to top, Elizabeth Warren gives us pills to replenish us after a lot of crying.

July 18, 2019:  One year anniversary of this blog. Bernie tabling at CCSF with Patrick from 10:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. Many beautiful guys walking by. Home ’til 3ish. Call Jackie Speier to thank her for voting for Al Green’s impeachment bill. Call Pelosi to berate her for not voting for it. Got angrier than I thought I would. Then Arizmendi and Peets Cole Valley. #43 home. 2 or 3 beautiful guys in the back of the bus. Touching legs with Asian guy on exiting. Go to resto on Ocean. Liked the manager. The food not so much.

July 18 dream:  Introduce my aide Cookie to my grandmother and some other woman at  conference/assembly of my relatives and my work associates.

July 17, 2019:  Thought of jerking off in the a.m. Then got anonymous call. 101 today from 11:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. Brought “Bernie” with me. Then take F to Castro. See guy with ouija board lunch box. On the side it said, “Yes.” Wasn’t sure what that referred to, but probably something to do with my friend John H. #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Wait for #23. Obnoxious Latino guy joked with me when bus arrived. Home ’til 5ish. Walk to Mt.D. and back home. Rude barrista followed by cute guy at W.F. cafe. Cute Asian guy at elevator home.

July 17 dream:  Somebody wants me to be at Laurel Hotel tomorrow at 1 p.m. to counsel somebody.

July 17 dream:  Rush to take meditation class at last moment.

July 16, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk G.C.P. on upper path. Hear hawks. Also shadow of a hawk flies over me. Mt.D. RHSing my father. Realized for first time maybe I was the aggressor in Dad’s bed. No wonder I’m always punishing myself. “Emergency call” on my phone.

July 16 dream:  Looking for guy’s pea coat and can’t find it. Sales seem brisk at the store, however.

July 15, 2019:  See “back issues” online. Perhaps I have back issues because of back issues. In ’til 2ish. Meet Alan Blackman at Spikes. See Walter at Walgreens on the way. Alan gave me his (our) cartoon about Bernie. As I excitedly left for P.O. Plus, ran across cute motorcyclist at 19th & Castro and chatted him up for half a block. (*Relates to young hawks on G.C.P. from hier?) Walk up Market to G.C.P. and then G.P. Jordan at C.B. Talk to guy wearing full-length skirt on #23. When I said good-bye, he said, “Thank you.” Got home and worked on cartoon with Photoshop.

July 15 dream:  Getting ready to start my day. Got very tired. See someone at the door. It’s Livia. She’s mad ’cause I forgot she was coming over. Elliott D. also there. He says he knows how to take care of one of my problems. I say, “Thanks.” He said, “That’s what’s good about you. You accept people’s help in all different areas. Livia’s only interested in one area of your life.”

July 15 dream:  Something about DemocracyNow dedication on board ship.

July 15 dream:  Tom and I and Nannie’s other younger son by another man (our half-uncle?) talking at back of crowded train. Many are off-boarding to get on a bus, but we’re having a nice conversation about something.

July 15 dream:  Nannie comes by to put me pick me up. I explain to my friend I was raised as a Christian Scientist and I’d never taken a pill as a kid. Nannie was anxiously looking through my bag and wanted to take some of my pills though she didn’t know what they were for.

July 14, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Go to library, but have to return home for “emergency shits.” Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru C.G.P., but on higher path than usual. Run into guy sitting on steps. He smiles at me. It was only later when I was on Mt.D. that I realized he was coming on to me. (*Relates to hawk from hier on Mt.D.? Realize that guy from hier was also probably coming on to me.) Immediately after, two young hawks circling closely and loudly near me. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Logistics of managing belongings may become more difficult during transitions. My conclusion: Truth is an infinitely complex operation involving infinite people, infinite facilities and infinite supplies, all harmoniously and effortlessly operating and dependent on/belonging to Truth.

July 14 dream:  Start new job. They want to reach 2,400 people. It’s lunch time. Guy says I should eat. I think: “I know how to have lunch.”

July 14 dream:  Fat lady actress in red dress slips and falls down road. She still tries to answer MC’s question. Her red dress has fallen off. I am walking behind her. Later (in a follow-up dream) she says:  “You will get together.”

July 14 dream:  Little fire outside house where we were. I went across town to get a bucket of water. Then it all dripped out. Saw Euro-Disneyland on the way. Also guy who knows me.

July 13, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Work on book. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Two hawks at G.C.P. They talked with each other. Then both landed in the same group of trees (*Relates to messaging with Carolyn Gopalan on FB on Jly 14?) Friendly though serious guy at top of Mt.D. Red-tailed hawk on Mt.D. Safeway: No Myka. No Steven. Got in line behind cute guy I walked across the store to smile at earlier. Then saw sign saying the checkout line was closed. So I checked out with fat guy who got defensive when I asked him if he went to the gym. #43 home, right away.

July 12, 2019:  In ’til 12:30ish. Go to Rincon. Two skateboarders on K. Super Duper gives me regular meat patty instead of veggie patty. I eat it anyhow. Two hours at Rincon. M to Castro. Two guys smile at me on Castro. #35 to G.P. Angelique at C.B. I’m jealous of two other guys who talked with her for longer than I did. RHS her/me later. #23 home.

July 12 dream:  I say: “As president of the 8th grade class . . . “ I had just been elected.

July 12 dream:  Trying to get away from two guys who think my every spare moment belongs to them.

July 11, 2019:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Run into Peter (from June 14) at Ocean and Harold Avenues. Wish him well in China. Jordan at C.B. Walk to Mission. Stop at Muddy Waters Cafe. SFSU math student there. Then Bernie meeting at 7 p.m. I’m a little high since I bought (and consumed) CBD and THC gummies earlier on Mission. Lady from Manteca there. Also Jason. Ben. Claire. Cute guy who looked away when I looked at him. Was kind of high all evening. It was kind of fun. It’s been about 50 years since I got high. I think I like myself better high because I have the time to catch myself when I’m thinking some stupid thought. Two girls in front of me on #49 home. One was very rude acting. The other seemed to apologize to me when she got off at San Jose Avenue. Insight: Why I hate women: they took away the love of my father.

July 11 dream:  I can see my baby in a couple of days. Guy says: “You’ll never be the same.” Baby had lots of hair, like I did. I get CD off to lawyer friend as I said I would. Ask him if he wants me to find a sleeve for it.

July 11 dream:  Finishing up a test. Have a question about one of the questions. Decide not to ask teacher about it.

July 10, 2019:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Wait at 19th & Castro for #35 to G.P. See “Imperfect” on the way. Black street person on Diamond calls me aside and asks me about black woman candidate. I say that Kamala is not our friend. Zeph and May at C.B. Guy standing outside smoking in front of his cafe near Railroad Expresso on Monterey. When I decided to walk towards him, guy from Railroad Expresso came out and talked to me and “Bernie.” Then Jesse and I started talking. (*Relates to the “Imperfect” on the way?) #43 home. BB daily update. Take nap.

July 10 dream:  Blond guy I liked came over to my parents home. I talked to him about what he’s been doing lately.

July 10 dream:  Nonobservant Jewish woman arrests other woman for being from an alien place.

July 10 dream:  Move from temp to permanent job. Also from 7th floor to 28th floor. It’s very high up. Water below. I”m in my underwear. There is a cat in my office/cubicle. I don’t know what kind of work I’m supposed to be doing. The building shakes a lot. Everyone is asked to come to the elevator area.

July 10 dream:  My parents have a new baby. He is only a few inches tall. I pick him up. Kiss him. Smile at him. Hope my parents don’t fuck him up too much. We are in the back of a bus.

July 9, 2019:  Wake up after hard night of RHSing my father. Page Publishing called. Then I looked them up on Yelp! There were not liked. Table for Bernie from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. with Patrick at CCSF. Stunning white athlete walks by with two black friends. Dakota stops by. Take nap after. Then walk to Mt.D. and back.

July 9 dream:  Rushing to get diary and something else caught up.

July 9 dream:  At a Thane-taped class on astrology, somebody brought in an old ’30s-type bus to get us started. I was the tape monitor but I think they were willing to start without me.

July 9 dream:  Dancer and me and other guy gets hired.

July 8, 2019:  Email from William Fennie made me feel good, in spite of myself. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. She asks me if my day has been productive. I tell her about my book. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawks screaming at each other. One sitting on a tree. Walk to Mt.D. Then W.F. guy cuts in front of me in line, so I bought Vietnamese coffee which I knew would trigger my pelvic pain. Read from notes on frequent nonphysical causes of physical symptoms: “Emotions that are present in our system but not recognized and/or expressed by us.” Relates very much to me and my father. Shits at 8pm-ish.

July 7, 2019:  Post “Carl Jung and the Psychology of the Man-Child” on BB. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See Walter outside C.B. Then Zeph at C.B. Also Joe from CCSF French class sitting next to me with his boyfriend. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. to #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Living arrangements (including one’s liver) may depend on satisfying complex constraints. My conclusion: Truth is the uninhibited, permissive, unilateral, persistent combination of everything, dependent only on Itself. AT&T goes dark about 12:30 a.m.

July 7 dream:  Finishing up a test in someone’s living room. Woman from UC wants me to fill out invitation forms to about six people.

July 7 dream:  The assignment due was postponed due to weather.

July 7 dream:  Have new roommate who’s very non-communicative. Then he moves us to a different apt. I don’t know where most of my things are. Then I get stuck on a rack of bras and panties. Then a department full of well-dressed, well-groomed male models, mostly Asian. One offers to fit me with a new pair of pants.

July 7 dream:  Get dressed up in fancy outfit. Go to mall. Run into Calvin and girl who admires me. Then meet young guy who tells me about computer-speak.

July 6, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Worked on Chapter 12 of “My Soul Mates.” Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. She asks me about my 4th of July. I ask about hers. She went to Santa Cruz, she said, and stayed ’til about midnight. When I left, I noticed that she had taken off her jacket. As I noticed this, I tripped over my chair. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) Walk thru G.C.P. Hear hawk. See him/her briefly. Mt.D. Steven at Safeway. Watching The Guardian in p.m. Killed my father in my head as character did on T.V. I didn’t care if there was no reason or no memory. It felt good.

July 6 dream:  Getting in line at Nancy’s shop. Grab a foreign newspaper to clean my hands. (h.o.)

July 6 dream:  Helping guy register for class. I choose several ALC (active learning class) classes.

July 6 dream:  Lawyer played by Jack Lemmon is arrested in murder/tax fraud case. He puts up a fight. Tries to down a bunch of raw eggs before. Turns into woman at his/her arrest.

July 5, 2019:  Getting ready to jerk off in a.m. Get anonymous call. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. When I said good-bye, he wished me a good weekend. Hawk at G.C.P. Shitty smell on Mt.D. Two guys getting out of car on Bella Vista Way. One waved at me. Squirrel on Los Palmos Drive. Guy skipping with his pit bull on Monterey Boulevard. Guy in passing car honks at me. Meet Ryan at W.F. 7.1 earthquake in SoCal.

July 5 dream:  Thinking of moving back into Vantaggio Suites. See video of Steve Jobs and associate filmed there. Go up to room where there was supposed to be a fight. Woman manager talking about difference between sea hawks and sea hacks. Feel constipated.

July 5 dream:  In cafe/bookstore, J. and another cute guy walk in and sit down with each other. I am at table alone when they leave. Later I look at book I bought and it’s some out-of-date calendar. Walk on thru mall. See “Victory.” Then run into friend of mine attending conference. He introduces me all around.

July 4, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Saying good-bye to him, he kind of rushes towards me. I warn him off. Hawk at G.C.P. Cute tall blond guy walking down as I walk up. Good RHS of my father on this day of Independence. Then get on #43. Black guy blocks my entry. He wants me to give him $5 or $10 for lunch. I say: ‘No.” He backs down. W.F. and home.

July 4 dream:  Getting ready to leave. Lots of us, including dog who I really loved. Cool woman with vagina visible through her outfit. (h.o.)

July 4 dream:  Weird, strange guy who is staying with me for a while wants to copy my “Certificate of Death.”

July 4 dream:  On committee with George H.W. Bush, Gerald Ford and one other one-time Vice President. Then on TV show with Julia Louis-Dreyfus and two other women. One was about to be appointed president.

July 3, 2019:  101 with John F. After, go to Walgreens. Feel sort of “shitty.” Walk into WG. See guy out of the corner of my eye. Step over to get shopping basket. Realize he’s stepping in my way to get my attention. I continue to reach for the shopping basket but realize I’m making a mistake. Then he disappears. (*Relates to second dream of July 2?)  Max at Super Duper. He had burned his hand on Sunday. Two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. #35 to G.P. #23 to Foerster. Follow guy off to #43 on Gennessee. Cute Asian guy in muscle T-shirt on #43.

July 3 dream:  Visit weird guy who comes evil. He gives me something to eat in a paper bag as I leave. His living room is tilted. He implies that I’ll be back.

July 3 dream:  Trying to walk across a newly constructed freeway not quite finished. It’s just empty boxes on top of a superstructure. I get scared.

July 2, 2019:  12-2 p.m. tabling for Bernie at CCSF with Patrick. Then home ’til 4ish. Climb to Mt.D. and home.

July 2 dream:  Say goodbye to place I usually eat at. It’s my company’s last day and I have tomorrow off.

July 2 dream:  Getting ready to go someplace and do something. Stop by somebody’s house. Play with their dog who is a little less puppyish than last time.

July 1, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Rent. Bills. Monthly BB. Walk to G.P At Ocean and Lee cross on red light. Guy says: “It’s a red light.” Then see my W.F. friend from June 28. He enters Pakistani resto. I don’t since “It’s a red light.” I ask clerk at S.J. Avenue liquor store how his diet is going. He said he had a mercy meal recently. I said: “I thought you said ’emergency meal’.” That made him laugh. Jordan at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Feel fat. On #43 home guy drops $10 out of his pocket. I touch his arm and show him. He seemed a little off. Beautiful Asian woman sitting near him. See couple from apartment on top of me on way in. I increase my monthly contribution to Bernie from $50 to $100. In p.m., feel like crying but not quite. (*Relates to last dream of June 30, not yet paying my debts in full.) Insight: Hera is the goddess of marriage and hates infidelity. I identity with her ’cause I cannot allow myself any infidelity with my parents, mostly my father.

July 1 dream:  Injecting toy soldiers with something.

June 30, 2019:  Get up at 7:50 a.m. to go to Pride Parade by 9:15 a.m. Hoped and thought that I’d be late. The whole trip went very smoothly. Met some Bernie people on the way and arrived on time. Everybody loved “Bernie.” Marched down Market Street with Bernie contingent. But delay for almost an hour due to demonstrators from Google, I heard. Lots of people smiling at me ’cause of “Bernie.” Blond guy at Market/Van Ness Walgreens was one of them. Then M to Castro. More “Bernie” lovers. Get #35 at 19th & Castro. Bus driver liked “Bernie.” Zeph at C.B. Then #23. Woman takes selfie with “Bernie.” Walk home. Take nap. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Perfectionism is a life-threatening denial of the perfection of totality. My conclusion: The body of Truth is a fait accompli, the irrepressible, infinite, uncritical, total, thorough, entire, safe Life Force Itself. Local news coverage of gay parade is all about Kamala. Makes me furious!

June 30 dream:  Am ready to pay all my debts, but haven’t been able to do it just yet.

June 29, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Korean liquor store clerk touches my arm when I ask him about his writing for the Korean Times. Then Zeph at C.B. Also “emergency shits” at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Take alternate trails. Mt.D. Safeway. No Myka. No Steven. #43 right away. Cute guy on bus gets off a stop early. Then walks to resto on Ocean. Get “Bernie” ready for his big day tomorrow.

June 29 dream:  Deja vu: I will not see J. at tomorrow’s parade.

June 29 dream:  Harriet is sitting next to Dad. She has her arm around him. When I sit to her right, she reaches out to me. I say: “Thank you.”

June 29 dream:  Guy accused me (wrongly) of stealing something from him.

June 28, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. On elevator down, meet pregnant couple. She says her due date is Sunday. I say: “Good luck.” Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. Trip but do not fall. Pass hot interracial couple kissing on the pathway. Mt.D. My W.F. friend again who ignores me again. (See diary of June 17.)

June 28 dream:  Being taken from a nice office to a dusty cab in South Central L.A. to do a job for somebody with a few others.

June 28 dream:  Going out with my small class of four guys to do something.

June 27, 2019:  Bernie tabling with Patrick at CCSF from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. Then go to Arizmendi. Pass Fred Cline holding court on 9th Avenue. Cute young black guy on N. Then black woman with visible cleavage sits next to him. She pulls up her blouse. He smiles. I smile. She smiles. Then to Peets Cole Valley. Then #37 to Castro. Wait for #35 at 19th and Castro. Cute guy on #35 in back seat. (*Relates to 2nd dream of June 24,  touching legs with Swedish guy.) On approach to #23 bus stop, guy smiles at me. Then pushes up against me as he exits. Then guy on #43 who got sexy with me.

June 27 dream:  Guy in black speedo and dark hair. Later I see him again. Then getting off work with latex gloves on. Woman asks me out. At work, finding pile of video IDs.

June 26, 2019:  Go to 101 at 11:30 a.m. It’s too misty for our literature so John F. and I eat at Rincon. John tells me of the death of his friend (and mine) Brian. Then I stay on for two hours or so. Take F to Castro. Rink (photographer at S.F. Bay Times) stops by to talk to me at 19th and Castro. While he’s talking to me, cute guy in sleeveless shirt hangs around, lifts up his shirt a couple of times and smiles at me as he leaves. Rink talks on. By the time Rink is finished, my sleeveless friend is gone as well. #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. He tells me about his Vegita anime watch. #23 and walk home.

June 26 dream:  I am helping with the Democratic debate and I have a huge hard-on. (h.o.)

June 26 dream:  Pencil eraser gets caught in machine. Gums up the works.

June 25, 2019;  In ’til 3ish. Finish Chapter 5. Walk to G.P. Hear: “I can go anyplace and I’ll be employed.” See Ryan Lam at CCSF (from the back). Zeph at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. then Mt.D. Then #43 to W.F. Cute sweet barista there. Also cute gay guy I’ve seen a few times before, who smiles at me.

June 25 dream:  Running to get to 22nd Street, trying to get away from black friend of mine. Make it there. Call 911. My friends arrive. There is a roomful of people in party hats, etc.

June 25 dream:  Find out I win house in Chicago. Then find out two other people won homes on same street but with different addresses.

June 25 dream:  Everyone with a car in our building was in the courtyard getting their cars to go to work.

June 24, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique (nee Fashion Designer barrista) at C.B. She told me she liked my websites. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Think I should go to W.F. though I don’t really want to. So I do. Run into W.F. guy from June 17. He ignored me. Then go to W.F. cafe. Beautiful blackish guy with long Afro. Also cute sweet barista who knew my order by heart.

June 24 dream:  Living with cute guy among others, looking for something to eat. I take something to eat that isn’t mine. Then put it back. (h.o.)

June 24 dream:  Sit next to Swedish guy at back of bus. Our legs touch. Feel uneasy, like  I’m supposed to do something. Then other Swedish guy comes along and we start talking. Some other friends are planning something for us in a back room.

June 23, 2019:  H.W. Meeting at 9am online. Then 12:30 – 4:00 p.m. tabling for Bernie in front of the Castro Theatre. Guy on K on the way with his music case. He picks up “Bernie” when the wind knocks him over. Guy on his way to bare-chest contest came on to me briefly on Castro. Made me feel very excited (*Relates to hawk in tree and woman from hier at G.C.P.) I would have followed him anywhere. Take M. to W.P. Stop at Peets. Every body loves “Bernie” and me. See same guy from K who picked up “Bernie.” He and friend were playing trumpet duet in front of Chase Bank on West Portal. Cute guy on Ocean who wanted to go to 7-11 but his partner walked on. I said to him: “I thought you were going to the 7-11.” He says: “i wanted to.” Then I said: “You still can.” Cute sweet barista at W.F. cafe. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Bully diplomacy and unstable characters can lead to an explosive conflict. My conclusion: Truth is dominion, orthodoxy (right thinking), solid, safe supervision of all-inclusive infinitely domestic policy. Truth is the sound of one hand clapping, with feelings only for Itself.

June 23 dream:  Little boy asks me excitedly: “Where do we cut the chord?” I say: “I don’t know what that means: ‘cut the chord.’” Then someone else points out this drive-thru spot where we cut the chord.

June 23 dream:  People summing up what we learned in our workshop.

June 23 dream:  Slip and fall in my dream.

June 22, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. Hawk at G.C.P. flies onto nearby tree branch. At same time, fat woman on nearby hill stands still and then turns around. On to Mt.D. Run into Nick on way down. He didn’t remember me. (*See diary from May 12.) Insight: Adrenal glands are right above the kidneys where my pain often originates. Insight: I just pretend I’m there. I’m not really ’cause I can’t trust this man (my father).

June 22 dream:  School is closing down. Last files are being packed. There may be a small payment for the last few days.

June 22 dream:  Dream I’m about to go to sleep. Ask black woman (London Breed?) to keep a door open for me while I go to the bathroom.

June 22 dream:  Cleaning up after very funny, big picnic. Wonderful breads, etc. Harriet said we could have some. Earlier Harriet comments about how well Laurie did in our group discussion. And I said: “And I kept saying: What did you say?”

June 22 dream:  I join chorus in show rehearsal saying: “I belong to a union and everything about it is grand.”

June 22 dream:  Dream I’m playing basketball and I have a fat stomach. It’s Perry Dickey’s birthday which means it’s also around my birthday.

June 21, 2019:  Walk to G.P. Run into Patrick from Berniecrats on the way. Liquor store owner at Diamond & Bosworth shares with me the articles on music he wrote for Korea Times. Fashion designer barista at C.B. She asks me what I do. I share my websites info with her. Walk thru G.C.P. Discover alternate path. Then to Mt.D. #43 home. Big, beautiful guy in center seat of back row.

June 21 dream:  Knife sharpened at new job in State of Washington. Wished I was at OSU. Tomorrow we start work.

June 21 dream:  See Pat Hartman and William Fennie and other Prospero at hotel. They don’t recognize me. William thinks I’m trying to come on to him. See Trump on the way trying to help some homeless people in the street. I think: He’s going to get re-elected.

June 21 dream:  Trying to find ignition to put key in to get car started. Then wake up.

June 20, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan at G.P. Walk to G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Then W.F. Cute, sweet barista at W.F. cafe.

June 20 dream:  Eating at Peruvian embassy. My friends anxious to see me. I think: We should have invited Trump as well since he’s also president of Peru.

June 20 dream:  I return home. There’s been an accident at the pool. The police are there.

June 20 dream:  On fast train on California coast. Black woman conductor. She’s talking and runs over guy without ever knowing it. Then she lays out maps of all the places in Europe to go on train.

June 19, 2019:  101 with John F. Pretty good day. Then 2-1/2 hours at Rincon. F to Castro. Long wait for #35 so I follow cute purple-haired guy down Castro. He stops at Castro Theatre. We talk briefly. He’s from Melbourne, Australia. His name is Casey. #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Cute Asian guy greets me as I enter doorway. BART and #29 home. Insight: I found myself welcoming back my body pain. It was better than last night when I felt I was wasting my life.

June 19 dream:  After guy talks about drug(?) for about an hour, we give him the rest of it.

June 19 dream:  Chasing beautiful guy, finally catch up to him and he’s a block away. Woman who is royalty wants her children exposed to him.

June 18, 2019:  In ’til noon. 12-2 Bernie tabling at CCSF with Patrick. Then cute new guy at W.F. cafe. I had “Bernie” with me and joked that I’d like a chocolate croissant and “Bernie” would like a medium soy latte. Then home ’til about 4p.m. See “Transition Point” at local copy shop. Climb to Mt.D. and back. Overcast day ’til I got to peak of Mt.D.

June 18 dream:  In NY without work. Go to lecture at church. Woman next to me is very nice ’til lecture is over.

June 18 dream:  Trying to get help. I need more gas. Think Heather is the one to help me.

June 17, 2019:  Email from Heather relates to skunk on June 15? Work on My Soul Mates. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Fashion designer barista there. Crowded. Walk to G.C.P. Emergency shits at G.C.P. On to Mt.D. Pee on MtD. Slip and fall on way down Mt.D. Walk to W.F. Cute juice guy who helped me find low sugar fruit drink. He’s someone I had made contact with many months ago.

June 17 dream:  Am in the military for a short time. Ordered to drop to the ground, but  I’m smiling.

June 17 dream:  Go to apartment showing. Hard climb to get there. It’s a big two bedroom place in a beautiful neighborhood of SF. Owner says he is asking $900 per month. I change my mood about then. I think it’s on Robinhood Way.

June 17 dream:  It’s 10:30 a.m. It’s still dark. The lights are on at SF City Hall. I want to take a photo. Then Nancy and Laurie come up back stairs I never knew were there. They looked really great. The had been dancing all night. I asked them why it was dark at 10:30 a.m. Then it was light. Later I got in argument with homeless man who wants my scissors and my keys.

June 16, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Feel a little “shitty.” Decide to go home. Listen to Aretha Franklin’s Amazing Grace CD. Call just before Translation group. (*Relates to red-tailed hawk from hier?) Translation group at 7 p.m. Sense testimony: People are improvident in seeing only their own needs and not the needs of others. My conclusion: Truth is all one indivisible being/consciousness with infinite foresight, infinite forethought and infinite provision. Surprise feeling: Me feeling defensive of my mother when Melissa asked about her.

June 16 dream:  Seminar is over. People are going home. I stay seated ’cause I want to talk to cute guy sitting next to me.

June 16 dream:  Inside of factory is painted yellow with brown trim. I draw an “I” so I get some kind of gift.

June 16 dream:  About to ask female cashier out. [Then phone rings.]

June 15, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Very crowded. Very hot inside. Cute Japanese guy. Walk thru G.C.P. Red-tailed hawk at end of park. Cyclist on Evelyn Way. Skunk on way down Mt.D. Myka at Safeway.

June 15 dream:  Mouse was bigger than me and cleaner and smarter and trying to make up for it to me.

June 15 dream:  Crazy wild family. Beautiful naked woman with hardly any breasts. Later naked skateboarder injured his wrist and hurt somebody else’s leg in his rush out. Woman of the house gives him a towel. Ends with someone coming in saying someone new is coming. Somebody really sick.

June 15 dream:  Wash shit off my feet. March around garden. Then enter church where Sunday Meeting is about to take place. Not very many people there.

June 15 dream:  Left-over document.

June 14, 2019:  In ’til 2ish. Go to CCSF with “Bernie” and Patrick. It’s very cold and windy. We last about an hour. Then I did some more work at home. Went to the library. It was so cold and windy I decided not to walk to G.P., Mt.D., etc. Went into W.F. Ran into Billie Joe. He invited me to his table. I met Warren and Peter, fellow student and former teacher, respectively. Then walked home with Peter who invited me in. We talked about an hour. He’s thinking of going to China on a 2-year math teaching assignment.

June 14 dream:  Parents(?) trick me into not waking up ’til midnight when the festivities start in the annual event.

June 14 dream:  Bill Floyd and Patricia Rohmer have sex during a workshop. Then they come back. Patricia wants us to move meeting to her place. I say no.  (*Relates to viewing The Guardian DVD on June 15 in which two hot actors inevitably have sex, and my reaction to it.)

June 13, 2019:  In ’til 2ish. BART over to Elmwood Theater in Berkeley to see Amazing Grace featuring Aretha Franklin visiting church in South Central L.A. in the ’70s. (Guy on BART on the way over. I kind of danced to be near him as he and I both exited at Ashby Station.) One other old white lady in the theater with me. Was so moved by Aretha’s singing of Amazing Grace. Seeing all those beautiful black faces back in ’72 when I was still living in L.A. (*Relates to broken water faucet from hier? The water just wouldn’t stop.) Mick Jagger was sitting in the back of the church. Go for latte on Ocean Avenue after. Cute delivery guy on Ocean. Then Asian guy on BART on way home. Then blond guy with rental guide. I asked him “Are those East Bay listings?” He said: “No. City listings.” I said: “Good luck.” He smiled a beautiful blond-haired white-toothed smile. Totally undid me.

June 13 dream:  There was just Nancy, Laurie and me left in the house. I was to be made the honorary father . Drinking the last of the O.J. even though it’s supposed to be bad for you.

June 13 dream:  Family visit to place where Harriet and my father also live. In fact, that’s their place. In fact, that’s them lying out in the sun. I told Tom: “You go ahead without me.” He joins me a few moments later. Then Tom and I and other guy and gal were on top of balancing toy.

June 12, 2019:  101 with John F. Pretty interesting day. Max on my way out of  Super Duper. Then Rincon for two hours or so. Take F to Castro. Woman in back asks 3 or 4 of us what our super power would be. I said, “Going into my unconscious and finding out everything that’s down there.” Cute guy on F gets off at Sanchez. I follow him of at Noe. Follow him down Castro Street. Lose him at 18th Street. Run into Jim Boeger. Catch #35 at 19th Street. Cute well-dressed black guy gets off after rubbing past me. Decide not to go to C.B. Cute guy at Diamond and Bosworth. Catch #36. Cute skateboarder on #36. Stop by June’s salon. He told me about his trip to N.Y. Also that he may enroll in school in N.Y.C. See Jessie at Expresso Cafe. He said his “indoor cat” had run off. Asked me if I’d seen his cat. I said: “I saw a coyote hier.” #43 home. Cute skateboarder at Unity Plaza. Cute barista at W.F. Go home. Then go to library. Follow well-built Asian guy in tight white dress shirt into Japanese resto on Ocean. I stand behind him in line. Ask him about what mochi is. He and cashier try to explain to me. As I leave, guy on street smiles at me. On elevator home, guy gives me one of his chocolate croissants.

June 12 dream:  Hard-on dream about writing something.

June 11, 2019:  Worked on Chapter 2 of My Soul Mates. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Big barista at C.B Not quite as hot today. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Walking down Lulu Alley, young coyote at bottom of hill looks back at me. I follow him/her down Melrose for a block. Me and other woman take photos. Second woman drives by and we talk about coyote. Get home. Take shower. The faucet breaks and I can’t stop the water. Had to call emergency repair service.

June 10, 2019:  Very hot day. In ’til 1ish. Go to CCSF to hand out Bernie literature with Patrick. We take off early ’cause it’s so hot. Take nap. Walk to Mt.D. W.F. Home. Watch John Adams in p.m.

June 10 dream:  See Eliot Derzaph at Prosperos assembly. He’s very young and cute. He says to me: “Hi, babe.” Then he starts talking to Heather Williams.

June 10 dream:  “Oko Kyo.” Japanese boy band which will get you any place you want to be on time.

June 10 dream:  Violence at work is stopped by fellow worker. I join in the tears afterwards, and I don’t even speak their language.

June 9, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Hot, nice day. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Climb up dirt path on Mt.D. which was too steep and slippery, but I made it. RHS of my father. Realized, even though I got upset with him for violating my trust, I knew at some level that my trust was misplaced. Same with J. At some level, even though I would have liked to have been in an honest relationship with him, that he was never going to be able to do that. See “All Free” sign on Ridgewood on my way home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Hunger for authority can lead to investing it into false representations. My conclusion: Truth is satiation. Truth is enough. Truth is full. Truth invests in Itself, culminates in Itself, represents Itself eternally, with open eyes and open heart. Memory: I remember that in my brief train trip to London while I was staying in Paris for 30 days in 2015, I not only left London after only a few hours, I paid some 200 euros to leave two hours earlier than I had scheduled. I must have really wanted to get out of there.

June 9 dream:  Recurring location in dream is Muni-operated. I’m supposed to bring back evidence at a contest with Muni. I like the two women there. One of the women and I talk briefly. I’m in a hurry. She’s also in a hurry.

June 8, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. to Safeway. Steven there. Also Myka. Speak with Myka for first time in two weeks on the way out. #43 due in 46 minutes, so me and two huge grocery bags walk home. RHS myself for always taking the blame for everything.

June 8 dream:  Spent first night at beautiful grand building in foreign country at Prosperos event. I was so tired that I slept thru the day and woke up at night. Some woman there said, “It’s date night.”

June 8 dream:  Go to another Prosperos event at another hotel. Try to kiss girl who I knew liked me. She backs away. Try to walk out of resto but my hands are full of sandwich and I can’t get out door. Waitress tries to help me.

June 7, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph there. Feel kind of “shitty.” Decide not to walk up to Mt.D. Go home instead. Have “emergency shits” at MUB (Multi-Use Building). Start work on revision of my book My Soul Mates. Get thru Chapter 1. Realized hier or so that I don’t have to answer my phone calls unless I know who is calling.

June 7 dream:  Saying goodbye to counselor I had been living with. I still had to pick up some clothes and pots and pans. He mentioned he had some letters for me.

June 6, 2019:  Two one-ring calls about 2:15 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Go to Arizmendi Bakery. Cute Asian guy walking down 9th Avenue and up Irving Street. Go to Peets Cole Valley. Berniecrats in p.m. Meet Michelle from Manteca. See Patrick, Ben, Clair, Jason, Laksh. John F. didn’t make it. Go home via #37 and catch the K at Castro Station.

June 6 dream:  Ear is broken off icon. Pipe full of various ball-shaped objects which might heal it.

June 6 dream:  I am at Prosperos event. Beth Kuper and Barbara Baroe are there, a little drunk. Later Beth calls me there after she had left. We meet outside. She invites me to pizza sometime.

June 6 dream:  My desk gets moved at work. I’m sitting near Indian woman. She has an Indian LP record. I look it over and ask which is a good song to listen to. She says the first one.

June 5, 2019:  101 with J.F. Hard day for me. 1-1/2 to 2 hours at Rincon. Then wait for F. Big breasted woman with low-cut blouse. I exchange glances with guy who was also looking. Take F to Castro. “Crazy” lady on board says: “So that’s how it ends.” Woman smiles at me on my way up Castro to 19th Street to wait for #35. Go to G.P. Big barista at C.B. Meet cute friendly guy who worked for a non-profit in