The Gospel of Thomas 37: 1-2:  His disciples said, “When will you appear to us, and when will we see you?”  Jesus said, “When you strip without being ashamed, and you take your clothes and put them under your feet like little children and trample them, then [you] will see the son of the living one and you will not be afraid.”
—The Five Gospels: The Search for the Authentic Words of Jesus

May 29, 2023:  In ’til 2ish. Take K to Castro. #24 to Noe Valley. Tell Liam that the acupuncture is not working. He says, “Okay.” After discussing, we decide to continue for 8 more weeks. (I also have vision confirming this during my session.) Walk to Peet’s on upper Market. Then walk up 17th Street, Corbett, Portola to #48 to W.P. M train stalls at 14th Avenue so I take #57 and #29 home. Go to W.F. Run into Jian as he is rushing to the lunch room. See cute EMT and then Javier. Talk briefly with Javier. Check out with Jeff.

May 29 dream:  Song title: “Hot as Ice.”

May 28, 2023:  Finish work by 1:30 p.m. Nap. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Evan, Kai, barista, Bruce at Peet’s. Bruce tells me he had his hip replaced. Made me feel good for some reason. Later I realized it was the Universe’s way of telling me I don’t have to worry about getting my hip replaced. Evan looked really hot today. I think he noticed me admiring him. As I waited in line for the restroom, I had an image in my mind of Evan coming over and me making way for him. Then he did come over and knock on the door just to make sure whoever was in there hadn’t fallen asleep or something. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 18th Street, Corbett, Portola to #48 to W.P. K home. Eat at 21 Tasting Place across the street from home. Nice guy there I could have chatted up but wasn’t really attracted to him.

May 28 nap dream:  Marianne Williamson trying to talk to young man. I try to hear what they’re saying. He says, “I still don’t know what a boom is.” She says, “A boom is a spiritual type.”

May 28 dream:  Several new good-looking men in the office. Someone suggests we go to fleabag hotel and fuck. (h.o.)

May 28 dream:  Being assigned prison time for online gambling. Guy asks if any gays are in the deck. I say, “Maybe a queen or two.” 

May 28 dream:  Lots of desserts for Thanksgiving. Nothing else. Supposed to meet with friend at 8 a.m. Other Livia wants me to do something else.

May 27, 2023:  In ’til 3:15ish. #29 to San Jose Avenue. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Long line. Meet barista named Valentina. She says I can stay beyond the 5 p.m. closing while she cleans up. Go to G.P. library. People lining up at Diamond and Chenery Streets. #35 arrives shortly. I take it to the Castro. Walk by 440 Club. Walk up 17th Street, Corbett, Portola to #48 to W.P. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. He’s wearing a jade ring. Taking shower at home, my pelvic pain makes me feel like somebody’s mad at me. Realize it is my father.

May 27 dream:  Some of the guys complaining about high-pitched, well-built young man in brief Speedos. Not me.

May 27 dream:  In the East Bay, one couple throws up at the same time. I throw up, too, a little bit. Guy offers me his bowl of food to throw up in. So I do.

May 27 dream:  I’m jerking myself off with lots of other guys having sex. 

May 26, 2023:  In ’til 4:15ish. K to W.P. Valentine, Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola to #48 to W.P. Insight: Realize, in addition to incorporating my father’s anger towards me for growing up, I also have my own internalized anger at myself for being different, for coming from God, for being better than everybody else. K home. Sit next to young man, originally so I could sit across from other young man. I never got a good look at who I was sitting next to. But I came to feel very protective of him. I said to myself, “I know I’ll only have a few minutes of my life with this young man, but for those few minutes I’m not going to let anybody hurt him.” As I get off K, he smiles at me. Go to W.F.

May 26 dream:  Post three videos online about church being provider of our house. In one of the videos, Aretha Franklin says, “Hallelujah! What happened for three years?”

May 26 dream:  Out on pier. Slide down railing with other guy. Then we jump into the ocean (the part which is shaded as opposed to the part in the sunlight). My feet feel something like metal so I stand up and wake up.

May 25, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. K and #29 to San Jose Avenue. Cute young guy exits #29 with me. I wolf whistle at him. J to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. #35 appears out of nowhere. I take it to the Castro. Pass 440 Club. B.A.R. publishes my letter to the editor re: Harvey Milk, Disneyland and the Castro. Walk up 17th Street, Corbett, Portola to M.S., RHSing my father on the way. Realize I have incorporated his anger at me for growing up. See Ian at M.S. He’s non-responsive. Check out with Leo. He asks my name. Go to SOTA Media Nite at Marcus’s recommendation. (*See diary of May 18.) Pretty enjoyable evening. I was in pain the for the first half. Then relaxed and told my father within that I know the pain isn’t biological. It’s psychological. Stay thru 2nd half ’til Marcus’s film Rush comes on. Then leave. Go to restroom. Meet guy there who knows Marcus and helped with his film. It’s cold outside as I wait for #48. But I’m shaking like a leaf. Realize it’s more than the cold. It’s the fear I felt standing up to my father earlier in the evening. Take #48 to #43. Sit across from two friendly guys. One was reading a book by Patti Smith. We talked about her, Robert Mapplethorpe, William Burroughs. It felt like I had met him before. We shake hands as I exit bus. Patti Smith book he recommended to me: Just Kids.

May 25 dream:  Preparing giant pitcher of lemon or lime-ade.

May 25 dream:  Zoe Robinson, me, and a few others spending the day trying to make cars out of plastic rather than get together somewhere. I had been at De Anza library.

May 25 dream:  War with Japan that preceded World War II.

May 25 dream:  Matt Lech says, “Click here if you’d like to fuck the Messiah.”

May 25 dream:  Lost in a black area of town. Saw picture I really wanted to take with my camera. The inside of my camera had been taken. Party starts at noon and I’m rushing around on bike trying to find place I can buy steaks. It’s around noon right now. Earlier: I asked Cathy Tackaberry where she got her steak. She smiled and said, “I’m not telling.”

May 24, 2023:  Hear “Ft. Collins” on Thom Hartmann show. In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Brandon, Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola to #44 to F.H. K home.

May 24 dream:  Multi-colored stars and stripes flag flying.Stripes with the word “phree” in them.

May 23, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Waiting for K, bee flies into my hair. Brandon, Ian, Nedim at Peet’s. Talk with Brandon about his haircut. As I enter W.P. station, handsome Asian man and his little boy, who has his hands over his ears. I put my hands over my ears. Handsome man smiles. Train to Castro. As I pass 440 Club guy with NYC hat exits. Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola to #48. Feel “shitty.” Take #48 to W.P. Then K home. Sit across from young unsmiling Asian guy with really nice lips. I keep admiring him. Cute guy on platform outside wearing a muscle T-shirt. I rush off the train to try to get a closer look. As I exit, he boards train with self-conscious smile. Excites me. Walk home. Take shit. Finally relaxing on the throne, get anonymous call.

May 23 dream:  Growing experimental lawn. (h.o.)

May 23 dream:  Neptune.

May 23 dream:  Return to S.F. after trip to Oregon. Glad I made the trip. Now I know I’m a New Yorker. Woman asks me what size my jacket is. I look. “It’s ‘M,'” I say. She tells me about book she’s written. I try to write down the name but forget it.

May 22, 2023:  In ’til 2:30ish. K to Castro. #24 to Noe Valley. Anonymous call on the way. Sit next to beautiful man on #24. He gets off at 19th Street. I try to see where he goes but he disappears. Other cute young guy notices me looking and smiles. Acupuncture appointment with Liam. He’s going to recommend a hypnotherapist for me to try to retrieve memory of sexual abuse from my father. Go to Peet’s on upper Market. Nice talk with baristo who I had met before. He’s a high school student at Lowell. Wants to go to U. of San Diego to study psychology and do graduate work there. Didn’t get his name. Walk up Market, Corbett, Portola to #52 to F.H. Take K home. Sit next to guy who looks familiar. Finally realize he’s the guy with the “Just do the right thing” bag from May 14. The train stalls and stays stalled. I ask guy whether he’s the guy with the “Just do the right thing” bag. He says he is. Then we both get off the train. He tries to distance himself from me. Muni finally sends shuttle bus. Go to W.F. Try to catch the eye of smiling, bleached-blond Asian guy. Watch Rear Window in p.m.

May 22 dream:  Long letter about COVID.

May 22 dream:  In astrology class with John. We are standing next to each other back to back. It feels great. Then we part. One of the questions was about the planet Mercury. I say, helpfully, “I think ti has to do with communication.”

May 22 dream:  President Clinton talking about something.

May 21, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Sergio, Ian, Ty at Peet’s. Nice chat with Sergio. He’s flying south to L.A. to be with his family ’til Friday. Train to Castro. Walk on sunny side of Castro. Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola to M.S. See “Sir Allen” briefly. Ian even more briefly. Check out with Leo. He tells me his aunt used to go to psychics. Just miss #52 bus to F.H. Wait about 10 minutes in the cold for #44 to F.H. Meet Olivia at F.H. She’s writing in her diary. I tell her about my journaling. Then we talk about dreams. I tell her about my precognitive dreams. She seemed excited by that. She gets on M. I take K home. Take cold shower again.

May 21 dream:  Getting ready to go into battle on horseback. The alarms have just gone off at 9 a.m. The horse has been able to eat. And we tied rope around his legs for protection. I wondered how easy that would be to cut with a sword.

May 21 dream:  “How is your horse doing?” “Running in the upcoming race. Minding its own business.”

May 21 dream:  People getting ready for political debate.

May 21 dream:  In temp barracks, I look better. My hair is darker and fuller.

May 20, 2023:  Came to realization that every time we do a release in an RHS (Releasing the Hidden Splendour), we are participating in the universal release of everybody for everything. Post my idea on the BB (“RHSing for Everyone”). Shits at about the same time as I come to this realization. In ’til 3:30ish Walk to W.F. on Ocean Avenue. Joan calls me “happy-go-lucky.” Ian, Evan, and Sergio at Peet’s. Sergio gets my drink wrong. I say, “You’re just excited to see me.” Train to Castro. Talk to guy reading book called Dopamine. He tells me I should take a cold shoer for 30 seconds every time I take a regular shower. I tell him I will. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 18th Street. Beautiful guy at top of 18th Street heads to nearby art gallery. I follow him in briefly. Walk up Market and Corbett and Portola to M.S. Check out with Leo. See “Sir Allen” peripherally, I think. #44 to F.H. K home. Take cold shower. It makes me laugh like a little kid.

May 20 dream:  Black woman, white woman and white guy on some kind of caper. I stand with black woman ’cause I want to see her clean herself up after she shits herself. (Repeat dream.)

May 20 dream:  Bugati.

May 20 dream:  Me jealous of how two young guys get along. Customer wants his washing machine fixed.

May 20 dream:  Visit 22nd floor where I used to live. Little girl really happy to see me. And we hug a lot. Step-sister Laurie tells me she visited China and Central Europe as a child. I say, “Do you remember it?” She says, “No.” I say, “Well, then, it doesn’t count.” (*Relates to meeting Olivia on May 21?)

May 19, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to copy place to get ticket for Marcus’s media showcase next Thursday. Then take K and #29 to Church Street. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Go to G.P. library. Pick up Ravenswood book. (*See diary of May 13.) As I exit library, #35 comes around the corner so I take it to the Castro. As I pass 440 Club, guy in cap and gown gets applause from the crowd at the tables outside. Feel “shitty” so take K to W.P. Stand across from cute Asian guy who’s checking himself out in the train windows. Get off at W.P. Still feel “shitty.” So get back on train to Ingleside. Get take-out from 21 Taste House. My pelvic pain is pretty bad.

May 19 dream:  At Prosperos school, Liz Andrews there. Follow guy down steep cliff. He goes down. I stay back a bit.

May 19 dream:  At new job at church. They are talking to someone downstairs about being a lesbian. Guy comes up to me. He says, “We may want to talk to you, too.”

May 19 dream:  I’m reading from one of three verses in the Bible. It’s not making much sense. Maureen and other students are talking. I get mad, “Do you mind fi I finish this?”

May 19 dream:  John F. and Lula running up steps. They slip. John is carrying Lula and they both fall. John rolls over and is fine. Lula breaks off her back half. I try to Translate. Lula snaps at John.

May 19 dream:  C.I.I.S.

May 18, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Kai, Brandon, Ian at Peet’s. Bruce there also after trip to Northwest. Kai showed me his 5-minute video The Clean Up Crew on YT. It was pretty good. Brandon tells me he’s getting a followup haircut tomorrow. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. See Namantha at parklet across from his resto. Walk up 18th Street to Market to Portola. Just miss #52. Catch #48 to Woodside Avenue. Meet Marcus at Muni stop. He’s a media student at SOTA. I tell him about Kai’s video. He invites me to his video showing at SOTA next Thursday. (*Relates to last dream of May 17?) #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. He tells me he used to be a journalism student at CCSF, but switched to media since the journalism school is solely print-focused. Get three new shirts from Amazon.

May 18 dream:  Polar bear at party takes a liking to me.

May 17, 2023:  In ’til 11ish. Take K to Castro. Hot guy gets on K. He keeps looking at reflection of himself in the train windows. I wonder if he came on to me would I be willing to give up my past trauma with my father so I could go ahead and live my life. Go to W.G. Buy Chron. Take #35 to Noe Valley. Meet John F. at Barney’s Gourmet Burgers. Nice getting together with John again. The resto was expensive and really disappointing. Take #24 with John to Castro. I get off and go to Peet’s. Then walk up Market to 17th Street. Follow guy up 17th Street to Twin Peaks. Then I lose him. Very cold and windy and foggy on T.P. Walk to M.S. See Sir Allen, Haircut Ed and check out with Ian who tells me he’s waiting to take his electrician’s test. Take #52 to F.H. Meet SOTA student. I compliment him on his cowboy hat. He’s a theater student. Currently in production of Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest. I read a review recently of this play in which the main character’s change of heart came about after a night of homoerotic play. Take K home. Go to W.F. Stand in line behind tall, cute, statuesque, non-communicative guy. As I follow him out of W.F., run into Javier (from January 30). He’s growing a mustache and smiles self-consciously. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Sometimes those in power don’t know when it’s time to step down and let someone else have a turn. Conclusion: One always has the right, the opportunity, to mount the throne of Truth, being all-knowing, all ability, all having, all holding, all possessing, all ability. (*Relates to woman on May 13 in G.C.P. saying “Come on up”?)

May 17 dream:  Dream of witnessing.

May 17 dream:  Small area south of Market with cardboard banners like “Shroud” and a bar called “Champs-Elysees.” Guy with green robot head with no facial features. I’m talking with a guy who lives there. (h.o.)

May 17 dream:  Job I don’t understand with instructions hard to make out. Boss says, “You’ve read the instructions.” In nice wealthy party of San Francisco even though people in L.A. say we’re a suffering city.

May 16, 2023:  Wake up early for me. About 8:30 a.m. Fire alarm tests begin about 10:30. As soon as they begin my internet goes down. Tests last about an hour. After, my internet is still down. I call in to Monkeybrains, my provider. And take nap. After ,nap internet comes back on. In ’til about 6 p.m. Guy at Ingleside library smiles at me alluringly. K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Buy Chron at W.G. See young man and his dog at 18th and Castro Streets. Stick around for a whole. Then John lookalike guy passes by. I walk up 18th Street to Corbett to Portola. On Portola, I turn around suddenly to see if #52 is arriving. Catch the attention of young woman on bike. #44 to F.H. K home. K loses power just before W.P. Muni technician has to come onboard and restart it.

May 15, 2023:  In ’til 2ish. Smiling Asian guy at Lee Avenue Muni stop. K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. #24 to Noe Valley. Talk to young guy outside barbershop on 24th Street. He recommends them. Acupuncture appointment. Liam tells me his dad is on YT talking about ancient civilizations. See “Essau” during my session. Go to Noe Valley library. Then to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Go to Peet’s on Market. Walk home via 17th Street. Find pile of X-Large long sleeve shirts (two black, two Navy, two ribbed black) all neatly washed and folded sitting on ledge in front of house. I take one of each. Then think, “Well, if this is a gift from the Universe, who am I to deny the whole gift?” So I go back and take all six shirts. Reminds me of the Bible quote “Consider the lilies of the field.” And if the Universe can provide me with shirts just my size, just my taste, I should just relax and allow the Universe to provide me with the living situation I need. Walk up Corbett. See Siamese cat. Go up to Portola. My phone’s not in my jacket. I panic. Go back down hill. Translate “misplaced.” Realize that there is only one place and that is Consciousness. So I put my bag on a closed garbage can and take out all six shirts. And there it is. Somehow I had put my phone in my bag, though I don’t remember doing that. Feel good. Take #33 to Cole Valley . Take #43 home . Go to W.F. Check out with Jian.

May 15 dream:  Governor of state has to save time to do part-time job. Has to do with driving a semi truck.

May 15 dream:  Harriet talks to family about the trauma of first love. I say, “Can you expand on that?” She says, “Well, your father, for example, is one of the first men to fuck me sideways.”

May 15 dream:  Guy calls me up to tell me they’re nominating me for Goldman Man of the Year.

May 14, 2023:  John Atwater calls in a.m. I suggest he speak at the upcoming Prosperos Assembly which he’s helping to plan. Get email from lender responding to my request for a loan pre-approval. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Car crash at St. Francis Circle. Later little girl on sidewalk singing “Let it be.” Can’t find Sunday paper anyplace. Go to Ezzy-Freezy. They don’t have paper either. Talk with my friend there about Warriors’ loss. Kai, Ty, new baristo at Peet’s. Kai has his fellow film students filming outside and inside Peet’s. Talk with Ty about her YT video which I couldn’t find. It was done when she was in elementary school. Talk to Kai about the movie Hereditary, which he recommended to me. Feel “shitty” at Peet’s. Relates to Kai? Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Buy paper at W.G. Still feel “shitty” so walk back to Castro Station. Take M back to W.P. Library there closed. Take M to Ocean Avenue. See cute guy in blue get on. Look for Sunday Examiner on Ocean Avenue. Don’t find Examiner but do run into cute guy in blue at Vietnamese sandwich shop. He’s ordering sandwich, so I order one, too. It’s not that good. But nice talking with guy. He’s going to yoga class next door. Take K home. Sit next to another cute young guy who kind of smiles as I enter train. Homeless guy asks me how to get to Balboa Station. I tell him. Cute young guy has bag that says: “Just do the right thing.” I say, “What’s the right thing?” He says, “I don’t know.” I laugh and say, “I don’t know either.” As he gets off at next stop he turns around and says, “Have a nice evening.” (*Relates to Carol Carter dream of May 11?)

May 14 dream:  Trying to line up two racers.

May 14 dream:  We go to visit sick Indian boy and the wild animal that is taking care of him.

May 13, 2023:  Rough nite last nite. In ‘ti 3:30ish. K to Balboa Station. J to G.P. See dead rat on pedestrian walkway. Go to C.B. Nice new barista there. Two hots guys come in and go out. Go to G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. On climbing up steps on exiting, woman says to me, “Come on up.” #48 to W.P. M home. Cute young Japanese guy gets off at Stonestown. Go to B.S. Two loud black women try to get my attention. Walk home from there.

May 13 dream:  Thinking of making up with Bill Fennie. Get emotional. Go outside. Can feel the warmth of the day on the railing, even thought it’s dark now. Wonder if they have coyotes around. Feel I’m getting lost. (h.o.)

May 13 dream:  Back east in New Hampshire with step-sister Laurie. We’re in the woods near a creek, kind of like our Saratoga house. See a rabbit. It’s huge. Then a huge coyote with two dogs. Strange man enters forest. Everybody evacuates. I stay behind to make sure I make it out.

May 13 dream:  Visit theme park north of L.A. Someone asks if I want to go to Ravenswood with them to visit Jordan, my nephew. I say, “Okay.” Later I run into Jordan. He says, “I love you.” I say, “I love you, too.” He says, “But you don’t know how to do it.” He’s naked at the time and packing his things. He invites me to go to Ravenswood with him. I say, “Okay.” I know I should ’cause I hardly ever see him. Earlier I talk with my brother Tom. I ask him if he voted for Trump. He says, “Yeah.” I say, “Did you see the CNN town hall?” he says, “Yeah.”

May 13 dream:  Doctor looking at skin tag on my right eye lid.

May 12, 2023:  In ’til 3:309sh. K to W.P. Ian, Ty and Nedim at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Friendly dog without a leash in front of club. Walk down Castro. Hear: “Hold your horses, Batman!” Walk up 18th Street to Market. Pass cute, short, young, blond guy who smiled to himself as he passed me. Walk up to Corbett and Portola to M.S. Take pee. Toilet there is flushing endlessly. I tell woman working there about it. She’s so nice to me. It takes me aback. I feel myself unconsciously turning my butt towards he as if in thanks. Check out with ”Haircut Ed.” #44 to F.H. Cute young guy on K home.

May 12 dream:  Lots of not very attractive guys naked or near naked.

May 11, 2023:  Apply for S.F. BMR apartment. Fantasize about moving there (south of Market). In ’til 3:30ish. My red and white pants arrive from Amazon after the shipment which was lost. K to W.P. Brandon, Kai, Ian at Peet’s. Feel “shitty” early on at Peet’s (which I think relates to Brandon). Talk with Ian. Not with Kai or Brandon. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. See Namantha at outdoor parklet. See DEAM on vanity plate. Means: “Drop Everything And Masturbate,” Google says. Walk up 18th Street to Market to Portola to #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian though Cole was working right next to him. Jian is talking with tall, handsome black guy who seems to be really enjoying talking with him. I feel jealous. Nice talk, though, when it becomes my turn. Jian thinks ’cause I live upstairs that I’m a millionaire. I tell him, “I’m not.” He says, “Well you could be.”

May 11 dream:  There is an earthquake in my dream. All the lights go out.

May 11 dream:  Carol Carter says she finally wants to have sex with me. I rush to get ready. I ask Mary Ritley what room’s she’s in in a very large hotel (like The Shining). She isn’t saying. (*Relates to meeting “Do the right thing” guy on May 14, I think.)

May 10, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nedim, Ty, barista at Peet’s. Feel depressed. Train to Castro. Go to sunny side (east side) of the street. See tall, handsome young man. He intimidates me. So I know I must approach him. He stops at Fabulosa Books at the outside book bin. I say, “Are these books for free?” He says, “I don’t think so.” He’s looking at book with “Dutch” in the title. I say, “Are you Dutch?” he says, “No. I’m from Belgium.” Then adds, “I don’t think it’s that kind fo Dutch.” We both smile. Walk up 18th Street to Market to Corbett to Portola to #48. Sit near guy who is putting something into his tight pants. I sit closer. He rings bell to get off. I think he wanted me to make a move. Go to W.P. K to Mealtime Cafe. Stop by Sweet Cupz. Sweet guy there from May 8. Wave to young guy across the street who I thought was waving at me. He wasn’t. Walk home with Avocado Smoothie (from Sweet Cupz) and Chicken Teriyaki (from Mealtime Cafe). Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: I want to live in a different place where I can feel safe and rooted. Conclusion: I am safe and sound in the holy presence of My One True Self. Insight: Realize the discomfort I feel in my body is similar to he discomfort I feel in my apartment. That my body/my apartment does not feel fully mine.

May 10 dream:  Trying to get guy to run off report at low volume. He seems to hear us but no report. I make a big movement to get my things and go home, hoping that might spur him to action.

May 10 dream:  At graduation breakfast, guy with hooked hand says he’s going to let out a scream of pain when he graduates. I say, “Some of us are going to be happy.” Pancakes are being served. However, no plates yet.

May 10 dream:  Family is in Chicago at hotel. From there we fly to L.A. Then up to S.F. Old Asian woman with blood spurting out of her hand asks us to call 911 which we do. Medics arrive right away.

May 9, 2023:  Get call from Corvallis about mobile home. Get excited. Then get anonymous phone call. In ’til 3ish. Walk to San Jose Avenue. Take J to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Go to Canyon Market. Check NextBus and see #35 is coming in 2 minutes so decide to take it. Get off at 19th Street. Walk up Castro. See Namantha. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Market to Corbett to Portola to M.S. Check out with Leo who I first met on April 8. He tells me (again) that he’s a Scorpio. I exit store. Then Google “Scorpio Sun” and go back to show him. Nobody’s in his line at the time. Take #36 to F.H. K home. Run into Shrey on K. He introduces me to his friend Nick Haste, who is also a photographer. Nick gets off K. Shrey and I walk home together.

May 9 dream:  In review of class, classmate calls me a “blond swan.” He says, “A blond swan is good.” Earlier horse sat on top of me so we could get to know each other.

May 9 dream:  People exhausted toward the end of marathon Translation session. I say, “Can I offer a poem?”

May 8, 2023:  In ’til 2ish. Connect with beautiful Asian guy at Muni stop. Then sit near him on K. He grabs his butt twice (while sitting). He gets off at St. Francis Circle. Then I notice short black guy with hoodie who reminds me of Daniel. We both get off at Castro. Pass 440 Club. Run into Namantha on the sidewalk. #24 to Noe Valley. Nice cashier at Walgreens. Acupuncture appointment with Liam. Great session again. Get burrito on 24th Street. Walk up Sanchez. As I pass Ford Street, I think of George Thomson who lived there with his lover. As I’m thinking of him, woman sweeping the sidewalk smiles at me. Go to Peet’s on Market. Walk up Market to Corbett to Portola to #44 to F.H. K home. Walk back a few blocks to see guy I saw from the train. He wasn’t there by the time I got there. Sweet guy at Sweet Cupz. Find Mealtime Cafe, which might be a nice place to eat. Walk home.

May 8 dream:  Old Japanese lady owner of grocery store upset at the person who is selling drugs there. I try to find actual place book.

May 8 dream:  Trying to make some German toast.

May 8 dream:  I’m moderator of gay group. I stand up to make announcement: “Anyone who can show evidence of having looked at the calendar gets a $1 for each day.” Big charity football game coming up. Get tickets online

May 7, 2023:  Wake up to Course in Miracles meeting with Tony Ponticello on my cell phone. Watch YT video of Terry Crews talking about his father and finally learns to say, “No! No! No!” And I felt his standing up to his father like I was standing up to my father and it made me cry. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Evan, Nedim, Ty, and Kai at Peet’s. Evan goes out of his way to tell me he went to his senior prom and to his girlfriend’s senior prom. I tell everyone it’s my birthday today. Nedim asks me, “How old?” Then says, “22?” I say, “I feel 22.” Talk with Kai on way out about his 5 minute video project and about The Sopranos. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Up 18th Street to Market to Corbett to Portola to #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian. Tell him it’s my birthday today. I ask him when his birthday is. He says, “It’s coming up. I’ll tell you on the day.” Get email from step-sister Laurie saying that I want nothing to do with her and Nancy. I reply, “I’ve got nothing against you and Nancy, I just don’t want to pretend that everything’s fine and dandy with our family, ’cause the more I see it in myself, the more I see that it was not.” (*This relates to my clear pool dream of May 5, I think. In that dream I am doing something a woman (my step-sister) doesn’t like, and yet we both fall into a clear pool, which is my statement that our family is dysfunctional. And my reaction to the Terry Crews YT earlier set the stage for this breakthrough.)

May 7 dream:  Nasty cat keeps scratching at me. We’re trying to apply for some money.

May 7 dream:  Reading over play written with same old people, including Barbara Boxer. Get the giggles … like we were high.

May 7 dream:  Guy drives me down to 3rd level of parking garage. Says masturbating and pussy was what made him successful. There’s some red lights flashing. Then he hops out of the car and it’s going by itself, only it’s heading up instead of down.

May 6, 2023:  Read article in SFist about the Bay Bridge bike path from Oakland to Treasure Island opening on May 7. (*Oakland and San Francisco connecting in this accessible way relates to me gaining access to my shadow side?) Calvin calls in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. See scaffolding going up around El Rey Theatre on Ocean Avenue. Makes me happy. Brandon, two baristas at Peet’s. Brandon very happy to see me. Makes me uneasy. As I leave, I talk briefly with him. He tells me about his nose stud. Says that it will take nine months to heal completely. I tell him (jokingly) that I think I should get one, too. Go to W.P. Station. Meet young guy on motorized scooter. We talk ’til train arrives and on train ’til I get off at Castro Station. Walk by 440 Club. Walk up 18th Street to Corbett Avenue to #48 to W.P. Take K home. Cute guy smiles at me. I talk to him briefly. He tells me he’s a DJ at Stratos drag bar at Ocean and San Jose Avenues. I think he may be the clear pool I dreamed of in the 2nd dream of May 5. So I follow him and two women to the bar. DJ disappears. I try to order drink but they don’t wait on me, so I sit down and wait for the show to begin. After about 15 minutes, I decide to leave. #29 home.

May 6 dream:  Dream I’m spending second nite in a room sleeping on floor with three others. Decide to sleep on the couch. (h.o.)

May 6 dream:  In Unitarian-type church group, masculine woman who enjoys being the one stumbling block to the minister’s plans. Later she turns into the beautiful John we all know and love. And all the guys are following him. Then he and the minister talk. John hits a boxing glove sticking out of the wall. Then all the guys followed the minister.

May 6 dream:  Getting ready for final number in big concert. I lost my friends who I was with, but get a seat very close to the band, which was a duo but is now a solo. Bernie Sanders organized the event. John was there earlier but I think he left.

May 5, 2023:  Really get down on myself ’cause of first dream of last night about retreating from dangerous lions on a cliff and not jumping into pretty clear pool of water. Then at one point, I reverse myself and just stop getting down on myself. Get BMR invite from Oakland, so I apply. Fantasize about moving there, as a sort of graduation from San Francisco. Also, renew my lease. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nedim, Ian, barista at Peet’s. Nice looking guy comes in and meets with a friend. The friend leaves. The guy stays. I think this is probably the guy I dreamt about last night. (*See first dream of May 4.) So I go up to him and ask him a stupid question about the earplugs in his ear. Later outside I decide I’m going back in there to ask him where I can get some earplug. Just then he exits Peet’s. So I go up to him and ask him. He says, “You can get them at an Apple store.” I say, “You mean like downtown?” He says, “Yeah.” I say, self-deprecatingly, “I’m a little out of the loop.” He says, “Have a great weekend.’ Take train to Castro. Take #37 up to Romain Street. Then walk to M.S. See “Sir Allen” but we don’t talk. Check out with young lady who wishes me a happy Cinco de Mayo. I say, “May the 4th be with you.” She liked that. Then walk home via Miraloma and Yerba Buena and Plymouth Avenues.

May 5 dream:  Bus decorated with Michigan theme and “Michigan” banner.

May 5 dream:  Man doing something woman doesn’t like. She chases him into pool, falling in after him along with a large bookshelf.

May 4, 2023:  I accidentally press button to start newly designed AOL email setup. Finally figure out how to put it back to the way it was, but I screw up the Bathtub Bulletin daily updates and it pisses me off. Then can’t get Thom Hartmann Program on YouTube and get more angry. Wonder if the anger might relate to my father. Being disappointed in someone I had relied on. In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Smiling guy with paintings on K. I sit next to him. He’s taking art classes at CCSF. He shows me his art. Two of the pieces were male nudes. Get off at W.P. Station. Go to Eezy-Freezy and talk briefly with my Sacred Heart friend. He’s nice to me today. Go to Peet’s. Brandon, Ian, Kai there. Brandon very happy to see me. Also Kai’s two friends from April 27. I find out later from Kai that they also work at Peet’s, but a different one. Train to Castro. Almost rainy day. Decide to take the K home. Then decide to walk. Go up Corbett, Portola to #48 to W.P. Take wrong train. Then get on K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian. He’s still joking about me filling out an application to work there. Get note from apartment office wanting me to renew my lease.

May 4 dream:  Want to walk down road to get someplace. There are several lions on top of cliff looking down. I decide to try to go another way. See big pool I’d love to dive in but I don’t. Ask guy for directions. He says, “There’s no connection this way.” (*Relates to meeting guy at Peet’s on May 5?)

May 4 dream:  Looking at Apt. 2 in building far away from S.F. (*Relates to applying for BMRs in Oakland on May 5?)

May 3, 2023:  In ’til 1ish. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. #24 to Noe Valley acupuncture. Tell Liam about my dream during session: That I’m almost home and that everything will be fine as soon as I get there. He tells me of lady earlier today who, in one session, got rid of some chronic problems. Walk to Castro. Pass 440 Club again. Go to Peet’s. Then leave to find Examiner. Cute guy in very short shorts at Sanchez. Find Examiner and return to Peet’s. Go to Castro Station. Decide to go see the new Central Subway to Chinatown. Enter train behind cartoonishly hot guy who I sit across from. Then find I’m also sitting across from another hot guy who kind of smiles to himself. Second hot guy gets off at Van Ness. First hot guy gets off at Powell with his boyfriend and me. He looks back a couple of times. Really like the Central Subway. It’s very spacious but not very crowded. Makes me feel good about S.F. again. Take K home. Three people offer to give me their seats. I want to stand so I can be close to guy I’m monitoring. Go to W.F. Refrigerated food lady wants me to reserve some deviled eggs for tomorrow since they are on sale. I say, “Okay.” See “The Wait is Over” in p.m.

May 3 dream:  My father acting in a play with me, Nancy O. and others. I take Nancy aside and say how impressed I am at how seriously my father is taking his role. Later Bill Floyd and I talk. He’s kind of sitting on my lap. I ask him about his books on drugs. And kind of stammer. I’m really attracted to him.

May 3 dream:  Go to art store. Supposed to take six paintings from the artist to show at gallery. Girl there gets excited. “Are you getting married?” I say, “People are saying…”

May 2, 2023:  #43 and #23 to G.P. See good-looking young man with his girlfriend. They go into C.B. I follow them. I sit near him. Nothing much happens ’til his girlfriend goes to the restroom and I’m about to leave. He checks himself out in the mirror and then sits down and smiles at me as I prepare to leave. I go to library next door. When I exit, he and his girlfriend are standing in the doorway trying to stay out of the rain. I head into Canyon Market. Then I see the #35 bus to the Castro and I jump on it. Get off at 19th Street. Woman at resto greets me. Pass 440 Club. Still sort of raining but I walk up Market to Corbett to Portola. My Muni app says the #52 would arrive in 17 minutes so I thought I had plenty of time, but a #52 passes me early. I think, “Oh, well, maybe I’m supposed to meet somebody.” And I do meet someone briefly at Market and Woodside. Then #44 arrives right away. Take #44 to F.H. K home. B-day card from Janet Wedekind, who’s related to me somehow.

April 2 dream:  Working in 8 minute segments, trying to save whole blocks of time. (h.o.)

April 2 dream:  Thane brings us altogether and wants us to redouble our efforts to give classes. I think he asks me directly. Guy saying his house is not all that great meets up with guy who built it. I’m eating a ham and mustard sandwich.

April 2 dream:  No food on the elevator. It’s going up.

April 2 dream:  Telling Harriet, “You have no right to tell somebody else about what goes on in our counseling sessions, especially my roommate.” She says, “Well, somebody has to.”

April 2 dream:  Taking care of little plastic baby, whose nose falls off but it’s still giggling.

May 1, 2023:  I meant to email the SFMTA, but accidentally email SF Mime Troupe. They email me back inviting me to one of their shows. I reply, “I’m stuck in a box.” They reply, “It’s not that kind of mime.” I reply, “Never mind. I figured out how to get out of the box. P.S. It’s all in my imagination.” Later wonder if that applies to my pelvic pain as well. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Sophia, Ian, Nedim at Peet’s. Rough crowd. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 18th Street to Corbett to Portola to M.S. Take shits at M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen” who is somewhat distant. #52 passes me by. Take #36 to F.H. K home. Sit two seats behind young hetero couple. Guy is beautiful happy Asian man. At one point, he laughs and, looking back at me, we lock eyes. Then they get off. Makes my day. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian, who asks me (jokingly) about my application (*See diary from hier.) Work on book in p.m.

May 1 dream:  Taking everything down and getting rid of it.

April 30, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Run into Shrey Purohit. We ride the K into W.P. He tells me he’s going to move soon since they raised their rent by $1,000. Go to Peet’s. Jasmine, Valentine and Nedim there. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 18th Street to Corbett to Portola to #48. Interesting woman in back seat of #48. Sit near her. Go to W.P. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian. We joke about my filling out an application to be a “walker” there.

April 30 dream:  At work I ask, “Are we finished with the project?” The boss wants us all to partner up. I’m left with the geekiest guy or a girl who hates me. (But I think we’re all done.)

April 30 dream:  We let off Michael J. Fox. He and I hold hands as he runs along. Then we’re stopped and he wants me to send him info for upcoming get-together. It’s 10. I have a few other notes written down which may be old.

April 29, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Barista, Nedim, Ian at Peet’s. Go to W.P. library. Talk with library science guy (*See diary of April 21.) Train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett, Portola. Hear woman singing softly in the bushes to my left on Portola. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Don’t really want to check out with Cole but he’s wide open as I approach checkout station and I really have no choice. But Cole is very sweet to me. And he kind of makes my otherwise very overcast day. Work on book in p.m.

April 29 dream:  Meet up with someone who tells me the last job he had to do was with a … and he’s reworking it. VA van with Vietnamese writing. Looks like food truck. Someone else enters all the data onto yellow-outlined computer pages.

April 29 dream:  Two black women giving me a haircut and a hard time.

April 28, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Follow cute Asian guy who doesn’t want to be followed. Same with guy on K who I sit across from. Go to Eezy-Freezy. Sacred Heart cashier there who is very standoffish as well. (*See diary of April 21.) Nedim, barista at Peet’s. Connect with crossword puzzle lady as I leave. She was pleased to be connected with. Go to W.P. library. Then train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Up 18th Street to Corbett. Friendly Siamese cat on Corbett. Also cute, young friendly guy walking his dog across Corbett. On to Portola. Loud girls in car at Burnett yell at me: “Dumb ass!” This bothers me. Catch #44 to F.H. Hot masculine Asian guy sitting across from four young Asian women in the back of the bus. At first I don’t go there, but then I do. Later I realize that the abusive girls in the car probably played into me wanting to face the four Asian woman in the back of the bus, and to reach my hot, masculine Asian stud, which I did. K home from F.H. Work on book in p.m.

April 28 dream:  Eating sandwich with some ants on it. I eat it anyway. (h.o.)

April 28 dream:  At Prosperos assembly-type event. One guy in his underpants goes under the bed, followed by another guy, followed by me. It feels really good. Then we are supposed to pay attention to the number of people and a few other facts about the group. Sara Walker there, looking lost.

April 28 dream:  Sara drops toys. I pick them up. Then later another woman does the same thing, knowing that I will pick them up.

April 28 dream:  Go to Ginger Roger’s home and watch Fred & Ginger movie on TV. It takes about a half hour before they finally start dancing. A couple of old women in the house.

April 28 dream:  Young fat kid being worshipped by younger guy.

April 27, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk out to Ocean Avenue. Realize I forgot my glasses. Then realize I forgot my wallet. So go home and pick up wallet and glasses. Wonder if I’m losing my mind. Go to Peet’s. Brandon, Kai, Ian there. I’m flirting with Brandon who is gong to have his nose pierced. As I wish him luck, young guy (who turns out to be a friend of Kai’s) smiles at me. I wave back, kind of knocked off balance. (*Relates to leaving my glasses and wallet—my identity—behind earlier?) Talk with Kai on way out. He recommended some movies to me. Train to Castro. Beautiful day. Walk up Castro to G.P. Go to Canyon Market. And G.P. library. Walk home. Work on book in p.m. Insight: Something about the way my pants fit made me feel ashamed of myself, and not for the first time. But this time I was able to stop myself and instead of getting down on myself, realize where the discomfort came from and try to deal with that. (*Relates to my ayahuasca evening on April 7?)

April 27 dream:  Cutting through clothes to find ones I can wear. Give military-type jacket to Nancy O. to try on. (h.o.)

April 27 dream:  Looking for a place to eat. Pass fashion show with near naked men. One smiles at me insisting I sit down. Pass the show. Then decide to go back. (h.o.)

April 27 dream:  I am not chosen to interview the male models but I still want to see them.

April 27 dream:  Group of Translators in hotel banquet room.

April 26, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Admire cute young guy . He smiles. Then turns around. And so do I. Then he kind of waves and so do I. I get on K. As I get off K, notice same beautiful guy I had seen at least twice before on the K. He smiled and kind of expected me to follow him down 14th Avenue. (*See diary of March 2.) This time he gave ma an angry look. Go to Peet’s. Sophia, Jasmine and Nedim there. I give Jasmine the Chron review of Beau is Afraid which I had cut out for her. Didn’t realize ’til too late that it was a negative review. Train to Castro. Beautiful day. Shirtless guy at 18th and Castro. I smile at him. He goes into W.G. I wait for him to come out. He doesn’t. So I go in. This time he give me a dirty look. Walk up Corbett to Portola to #44 to F.H. K home. W.F. Email John King at the Chron re W.F. at Trinity Place. Insight: Realize reason I like to sleep on my futon without unfolding it, is because it reminds me of the couch I used to sleep on when I stayed over at Nannie’s in S.F.

April 26, 2023:  I’m crawling on the ground. The sun behind a cloud. For some reason I must crawl. See a black-sead globe on the path. Want to take a photo but I don’t have my camera. See Hugh Grant lookalike (with a short beard) but he speeds off on the back of a cart. (h.o.)

April 26 dream:  Invasion of ants in my living space. Later cats?

April 26 dream:  Take 2:30 plane to N.Y. with Jean Evans. She buys the tickets.

April 25, 2023:  See Facebook photo that really turns me on. I get all hot and bothered. Then receive 10 anonymous hangup calls. In ’til 2ish. Waiting for K. Beautiful guy waiting with me. I know I must speak to him. So I ask him if a train in coming. He looks it up on his phone and tells me, “One minute,” holding up his index finger. He gets on #29. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Buy Chron at W.G. Wait at 18th and Castro for #24. I go across the street to sit with beautiful friendly guy who’s sitting with other guy. Beautiful guy looks at me while he’s talking to his friend. Go to acupuncture. Relaxing time with Liam. Insight: Think maybe I feel guilty about having sex with men ’cause I’m betraying my promise to be “Mommy’s handsome little prince.” Realize Whole Foods at Trinity Place, which recently closed due to alleged S.F. street life, could possibly use the space available at the new IKEA three blocks away. Walk up Diamond to Castro. Pass 440 Club again. Go to Peet’s on Market. Cute guy smiles at me. Later he leaves shortly after me and I notice that he’s ever more beautiful than I thought. Lose my pink daily notes post-it. Go back to Peet’s and friendly black gay barista picks it up out of the garbage can for me. Walk back to Castro. Pass 440 Club again. See Namantha outside at table again. I don’t speak with him. Up 18th Street to Market to Corbett. Cute skateboarder smiles at me at Clayton. Up Corbett to Portola to #52 to F.H. K home. Now I think I’m in love with Liam.

April 25 dream:  Take photo of men in pink dresses holding pink flowers after missing my initial shots.

April 25 dream:  Rose Scarf pushes other women out of the way to sit with me.

April 25 dream:  See Ricardo behind labyrinth of doors.

April 25 dream:  Exercising in big old building. Quit my job and now I don’t want to leave the city. I see it coming back to life.

April 25 dream:  Eating at crowded resto. Waitress says they have a resto at Hollywood & Highland.

April 24, 2023:  In ’til 3:15ish. K to W.P. Sophia, Ian and Nedim at Peet’s. Train to Castro. I’m wearing my tight red pants and red shirt. Guy in Castro Station gives me the once over. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 18th Street, Corbett and Portola to M.S. Get in line to check out with Ian. When it’s my turn, Ian is no longer there and he’s replaced by “Sir Allen.” #44 to F.H. K home.

April 24 dream:  At a wake. Oprah and a few others there. I say, “Where’s a local market?” I feel like I’d like to bring something (h.o.)

April 24 dream:  I’m getting married. I give a little speech which I’m nervous about. Then black guys with enormous fan-like hats on in audience. My speech is about an app you can use to send food and other things to people you love.

April 24 dream:  Woman drives away in my black Mercedes Benz. I’m sitting in back seat. I tell her to pull over. She seems to be doing that, telling me that she’s just helping me.

April 24 dream:  Go to my new apartment. Electricity slowly comes on. Woman roommate calls someone on the phone. Gift for Nancy O. The flowers on it are fading. Three phone message for me, which are hard to hear.

April 23, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Crossing Ocean Avenue, plastic “Attention” sign falls on me. Evan, barista, Bruce and Sergio at Peet’s. Evan very happy to see me. Barista gets me my usual drink before I even order it. Bruce and I talk for a while. Later Sergio appears. He ignores me ’til I approach him. I give him The Source by James Michener. He says he just finished a book about Phil Knight, founder of Nike. Later he comes up to me and asks if i’ve read Cather in the Rye.” When I leave, I suggest A Separate Peace to him. (*Relates to comment hier in G.C.P. about being a dad? That’s what it felt like.) Waiting for train to Castro, Cute skateboarder grabs his ass. I sit across from him. Pass 440 Club on Castro. Then see Namantha eating outside, near his café. We talk briefly. Walk up 18th Street to Corbett to Portola to #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian. I show him my ZontaPhotos website. He tells me about the Glen Park BART station. Insight: My obsession about San Mateo County being taken away from San Francisco in 1856 may relate to my own psyche in that I, too, am split off from my lower half. That it was, in effect, taken away from me.

 

April 23 dream:  Big group of us wait for over an hour for celebs to arrive. Then someone announces that they are at a different resto. I get up to leave. Bob M. asks why. I say, “Cause I want to see them.” He stays.

April 22, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Go to G.P. library. Walk out. Go back. Take shits. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear:  “You’re ready to be a Dad.” Run into Sean working on one of his motorcycles. (*Relates to “Expect the Unexpected” from hier?) We talk about remote viewing. I ask him if he’s done any. He says, “Not intentionally.” He tells me about MKUltra. He says, “Sirhan Sirhan may have been an MKUltra.” He tells me about Operation Paperclip and Project Mockingbird. Take #48 to W.P. Pass woman in bright yellow skirt. Then pass another (or the same) women in a bright yellow skirt. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. He seems very hyper but friendly. Work on book in p.m.

April 22 dream:  On plane trip we’re flying low over coast. Large waves hit the shore. Some people meet them with fun. One of the waves hits the plane. There’s a small fire onboard. There’s a handsome man I want to talk to. Later he turns out not so handsome. I thought we were flying to some place else. Turns out we’re flying to N.Y. Man in the middle of a lake waving to us as we fly by. Then we are on the freeway in some sort of large hovercraft with lots of cars around.

April 21, 2023:  Someone mentions Ft. Collins online. In ’til 3:30ish. Stand next to cute guy on K. Train stops. We all have to get off and wait for next train. I stand near him again on next train and remain on train one extra stop. Nothing happens. Then go to Eezy-Freezy to buy Chron. See Sacred Heart guy from April 4 there. We have nice connection. Go to Peet’s .Sophia and two baristas there. Find movie review of Beau Is Afraid for Jasmine. Go to W.P. library. See young library science student from April 1. He doesn’t see me. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. See Namantha. He doesn’t see me. Walk up Corbett. See “Grady” in the sideway. (Grady was the handsome “playboy” in my father’s office.) Think about what I heard Gabor Mate said on YT at Peet’s today, that a boy being sexually abused may not feel safe to express his anger. Later on K being upset with Chron for not publishing my letter to the editor. Mad that they have all the power and there’s nothing I can do about it. Then ask myself, “Are you sure that’s what you’re really mad about?” Realize I was in the same situation with my father who had all the power and there was nothing I could do about it. Let myself feel that anger. Work on bonk in p.m. Hear “Expect the Unexpected” in p.m. (*Relates to running into Sean again on April 22?)

April 21 dream:  Hate my boss Ana. Trying to get a girl to go out with me.

April 21 dream:  John is traveling west on northern Oregon border. I plan to meet him there at Sunday Meeting. I arrive. He’s there, looking beautiful, working as an usher. I greet him. Then I greet Bob Meslinsky and someone else and sit down for meeting. Planning to get together with John after.

April 21 dream:  Bunch of us who live in a bus move bus closer to where we work in N.Y.

April 20, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. Library. Sun glad to see me. Walk thru G.C.P. #44 to F.H. Sit next to guy with torn jeans with his legs spread. K home. Worked on book in p.m.

April 20 dream:  Young woman dies with her head in my lap while sitting in the aisle of an airplane.

April 20 dream:  I write the newsletter for the group. Some mostly black guys go to the back patio to tell a joke. I open the door so I can hear it, too. One of them says, “Did you get it?” I say, “No. I didn’t hear it.”

April 20 dream:  Business reports are missing. I say, “Business reports are important for the health of the nation.”

April 20 dream:  As a reporter, I update Dr. Kaminsky on the war in Ukraine.

April 20 dream:  Gary Swindell wants us to go to Mexico with him. He tries to dine and dash but is caught.

April 20 dream:  Something about a paper turned in with some typos.

April 20 dream:  Look out my window. See Cathy Koslover talking with Calvin. She sees me. She looks more mature than i’ve ever seen her. Go outside. Get caught in large spider web with large spider. See Ashley Card. She says, “What do you want to do about it?” I say, “Science.” Notice attractive girl. Ashley says, “We look to science.”

April 19, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Jasmine, baristo, Nedim and Bruce at Peet’s. Talked with Jasmine who is also a film student at SF State. She likes horror films. She mentioned Beau is Afraid. Bruce tells me about Lily Pond in G.G. Park. Take train to Castro. Sit down next to cute guy. I feel him looking at me. I kind of blush emotionally, but not physically. Pass TV Channel 2 reporter in front of Castro Theatre. Walk up Corbett, Portola to #52. Distant hawks. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Harrold. Then go back and check out again with Jeff. We accidentally lock fingers. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Fascists and oligarchs are taking over the country. Conclusion: Truth is the only Potentate in the infinitely public (country-less, contra-less) enterprise of Itself. Later RHS mother.

April 19 dream:  On top floor of N.Y. building. Close enough to climb down. Later Carol Carter says, “What are you on?” I say, “I don’t know. Maybe oxycontin.” She says, “That stuff can kill you.” Then Perry Dickey comes in . I tell him, “You know, as a Christian Scientist, it’s very exciting taking medication. It’s a whole new world.”

April 18, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk and take J to G.P. Run into my Hemingway friend at G.P. stop. Beautiful man at Bosworth and Diamond intersection. Go to C.B. Friendly lady from Peet’s W.P is there. We talk briefly. Go to library. Walk thru G.C.P. Everything green. Run into Sean as he exits his van on Amethyst Way. (*See diary of April 16. Also relates to “Holy Unexpected” from hier?) We talk briefly. Go to M.S. Check out with Ian. #43 home. Work on book in p.m.

April 18 dream:  Giving Translation workshop. Get stuck on 1st step.

April 18 dream:  Coming in for a landing on big plane. Lots of empty seats. Look out window at new housing which has been built in the bay.

April 18 dream:  Guy in gay store wants me to ask him out. Then they close down the store for the day.

April 18 dream:  Was at airport chasing planes. Waiting for guy who said he wanted to go with me to next stop.

April 17, 2023:  In ’til 2:30ish. K to Castro. Go to W.G. to buy Chron. Young woman cashier there smiles at me. Then another woman smiles at me as I wait for #24. Go to Noe Valley. Sit next to cute guy who also gets off on 24th Street. Acupuncture appointment at 4 p.m. In my 25-30 minute session, the word “consummate” comes to me. (*See diary of April 12.) It means a “perfect ending.” I think that the two smiling women prior to my appointment indicated to me that this was the insight I was headed for in this session. That recent events (*see diary of April 10) were the consummation of the contract I made with John in January of 1987 at the Unitarian Church. After session, I walk to Castro. Maybe find new barber on 24th Street. See “Holy Unexpected.” Was going to walk on the sunny side of the street, but followed cute Japanese guy to the shady side. Passed 440 Club. On my right people are yelling “Happy Birthday” to somebody in the parklet there. And as I pass 440 Club on my left, there is loud cheering from inside. I look in and smile. Go to Peet’s on Market Street. Baristo there wants to study psychology at University of San Diego. Exchange glances with young guy as I enter Castro Metro Station. Take K home.

April 17 dream:  I offer to go over a Shakespeare play. (h.o.)

April 17 dream:  Sit at table with wonderful teachers. I run to catch my bus. It’s underground now.

April 17 dream:  Guy about to rape another guy with his fists. Then they got out in public. And they go different ways. Another guy in the office says that he was raped and that it was “boring.”

April 17 dream:  Waiting for bus. See two girls I just met. Decide to say hello. We are invited to do our laundry together. But all the machines appear to be taken or are full of muddy water. I’m thinking I’ll just take the bus home.

April 16, 2023:  In ’til 3:15ish. Take K shuttle to W.P. Nedim, Valentine and Bruce at Peet’s. I tell Valentine, “Happy Valentine’s Day. I guess every day is Valentine’s Day for you.” #48 to 24th and Castro. Stop at Portola and Glenview Drive. Realize Sean is just down the street. Think of running to him. Then think better of it. Think again at Portola and Clipper Street stop. (*Relates to “Expect the Unexpected” from last night, I think.) Walk down 24th to Church. Up Church to Chenery to G.P. and continue to walk home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian. Try to show him my photo website, but can’t get it on my phone. Later go down to W.F. again and check out with Jian again. Work on book.

April 16 dream:  It’s Monday and I’m supposed to coordinate the Monday talks at The Prosperos Center. Trying to call Gene Goulard who is the manager there. Info operator looks up educational institutions. Trying to remember who my co-coordinator is. Cory something? Or Barbara something?

April 15, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Waiting for K on island in middle of Ocean Avenue. Trains not running today but shuttle buses are. One shuttle bus just passes me by even though I wave at them. Then bouncy smiling woman who I didn’t know from Adam approaches me smiling like we’re old friends. I turn around and she’s gone. Next shuttle bus picks me up. Go to Peet’s in W.P. Evan, Sergio and Ian there. Really good to see Evan and Sergio again. Especially Sergio. I say to Sergio, “Good to see you again.” He says, “Evan’s here, too.” I say, “Yes, it’s good to see both of you.” Talk with Sergio and Ian on my way out. We talk nonsense but it feels really good to be friends again with Sergio. (*I think the irrepressibly happy woman on Ocean Avenue relates to me seeing Sergio again. Also, the Army Induction Center dream of April 13 relates to my getting into some sort of relationship with Sergio, I think. I made this realization at about 8:30 p.m. just like the dream indicated. Still not sure what my ayahuasca experience of April 7 relates to. Perhaps the end of my connection with John on April 10 and the beginning of my connection to Sergio on April 15?) Take shuttle to Castro. Walk up 18th Street to Market to Corbett to Portola to L shuttle to F.H. Sit next to cute guy on L bus. Transfer at F.H. to K shuttle but it took me back to Castro. So take #35 to G.P. Then #23 to Safeway. Check out with cute new worker there who said he had been there for about a year but mostly in the back. I say, “Well, it’s good to see you up front.” #43 home. Hear “Expect the Unexpected” a few times in p.m.

April 15 dream:  Group of middle class blacks try to keep homeless and jobless blacks away from job site which is an office building. As I get closer to work, lots of men walking. Also big water buffalo.

April 15 dream:  Have to deal with two guys I’ve put out of a job.

April 14, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Cute, short, bearded young guy in hoodie on Ocean. K to W.P. Nedim, two baristas at Peet’s. No Sergio. Nedim may be mad at me ’cause of my comment hier about his muscles. Train to Castor. Then back via Market, Corbett, Portola to M.S. “Sir Allen” at empty checkout stand next to me. As I pass, he is turned the other way. Woman cashier at my checkout stand picks up small bag of cookies I bought. She says, “Do you want the cookies now?” I say, “No.” Go to W.F. Check out with Cole, who also doesn’t seem to want to talk. Work on book in p.m.

April 14 dream:  Me and two other dishwashers. Black woman is lead dishwasher. She is told not to throw out the instructions when they are washed. (h.o.)

April 14 dream:  Sending exercise DVD to John Firpe. Having some trouble packing it. Jonathan Flynn there?

April 14 dream:  Getting bored with S.F. Looking for new place in S.F. Tom O. stops by. I have on my pink sleeveless T-shirt for a while.

April 13, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Go to hair appointment at Louie’s Barbershop with Bon, who has the chair closest to the window on Castro Street. Woman on K smiles at me on the way there. Guy in the barbershop smiles at me as well. (*Relates to dropped wallet from April 10?) Pass 440 Club. Go to Spike’s on 19th Street. Have to rush out before they close at 5 p.m. Walk up 18th Street to Market to Corbett to Portola to M.S. Check out with Ian. #36 to F.H. K home. Cute guy on train.

April 13 dream:  Paco Rabanne included on list of those not included. (h.o.)

April 13 dream:  Have to be at Army Induction Center at 8:30 p.m. Two others from my apartment will be there as well. They are both in our empty apartment getting ready. (*Relates to working on my book again at about 8:30 p.m. on April 14, 2023?)

April 13 dream:  Conversation between male professor and female advisor turn pretty sexual. She is facing down wearing a pantsuit.

April 13 dream:  Guy I’m trying to avoid comes up to me and says we need an art poster for upcoming event.

April 12, 2023:  In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. There’s an accident on Ocean Avenue. So train is delayed. They later send a shuttle bus to W.P. Nedim, Jasmine, barista at Peet’s. I admire Nedim’s muscles. Train to Castro. Go to Louie’s Barbershop. Get business card for Bon, my new barber. Pass 440 Club. Up 18th Street to Market to Corbett to Portola to #48 to W.P. Get slice from Goat Hill Pizza. Talk with same guy as on April 5. He’s a student at SOTA who’s been accepted at Stanford and UCLA. Plays the sax. Wave at Ladi as I pass C.S. Reading Room. K home. Baby crying in the front of train leads me to cute young guy in back of train. Go to W.F. Jian not there. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Consumption or non-consumption can make a body fat or thin, healthy or sick, inflamed or comfortable. Conclusion: Truth is the face and feeling of weightless, indivisible, invulnerable, omnipotent, robust male/femaleness. Side-tracked to word consummation which means: “perfect ending the bringing of something to a satisfying conclusion, or the final satisfying completion or achievement of something.”

April 12 dream:  Man holding up printed page on big cardboard wanting me to transcribe what I can read. At about 12:30 a.m.

April 12 dream:  Woman driver from company makes illegal left turn into company doorway. And is caught.

April 12 dream:  Have sex with some guy. Later talk with HughJohn about it. He says we’re, like, partners, and I agree.

April 11, 2023: In ’til 1:30ish. Take #43 to my optometrist on Irving Street in the Inner Sunset. Dr. Mark told me that I could enlarge the fonts on my laptop which I later figured out how to do. Take #44 to G.P. Cute young Asian guy smiles at me and then plays with his young Asian friend. Go to G.P. Go to C.B. The barista I like (and who likes me) is there. Go to G.P. library. Then decide to walk up O’Shaughnessy but feel drawn the other way. #35 bus arrives so I get on. It takes me to the Castro. I pass 440 Club. Then Louie’s barbershop which is still open. I go in thinking maybe I can get my haircut done one day earlier than planned. But there’s three people waiting and only one barber. So I leave. (Later I realize I really like the one barber who smiled at me so nicely, so I decide to get my hair cut by him tomorrow.) As I leave, one of the three people waiting yells out to me. I had dropped my wallet on the floor and hadn’t even realized it. Walk up Market, Corbett, Portola to M.S. #43 to F.H. K home.

April 11 dream:  I have to leave my family due to a difference of opinion. I see my little brother as I walk out without my family knowing.

April 11 dream:  “Together we are unstoppable.”

April 11 dream:  Shit and throw up on my shoes and pants and shirt I just put on. Am with others at the time.

April 11 dream:  Divide up into three groups. Our group discusses “being a brother to your black brother.” Somebody wants to be in the other group. I like our group.

April 11 dream:  Going on trip away from family. Nancy O. trying to maintain control.

April 10, 2023:  Shaving in a.m. My bathroom sink finally unclogs. Mail in federal and states taxes. In ’til 1:30ish. K and #24 to acupuncture appointment in Noe Valley. Wonderful session. We try cupping as well. Walk up Castro to Peet’s on Market. Their bathroom is out of order for 2nd day in a row. So is public restroom on Market. So I buy cranberry juice at 440 Club and use the restroom there. Guy give me hard look as I leave. I think he’s coming on to me so I head back in. He averts my gaze. Later I realize he was standing guard for John in hiding. (*Relates, I think, to my throwing up on Friday night. I think I’m seeing John unmasked, just as I’m seeing Sergio unmarked these days, to reveal that he’s not as attractive as I thought.) Walk up Market, Corbett, Portola to #36 to F.H. Train arrives just as I do. Woman smiles at me as I enter. Sit across form very cute young guy in peach hoodie and matching sweat pants with a black mask and skateboard. We connect, though furtively. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian. He asks me if I’ve taken any interesting photos. I ask him the same. He says, “You already know the answer to that. I’ve told you a couple of times.” I say, “Oh, you take photos with your phone. Fuck me.”

April 10 dream:  Taking care of several young men. Supplying them books, etc.

April 9, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Take K to W.P. Hoping to see Sergio at Peet’s. He’s not there. Not many people were there. Lou Lou, Ian, Nedim and Bruce. Bruce shows me Trump’s latest “Truth” which simply said “World War III.” I left early ’cause I couldn’t find Sunday Chron in W.P. Take train to Castro. Buy Chron at W.G. Talk with Brett, street artist on upper Market. Go to Peet’s. Lots of people out. Really nice day. Walk up Market to Corbett to Portola to CVS. Buy Drano for my bathroom sink. #43 home. Put Drano in the sink. It doesn’t work.

April 9 dream:  Several different cups of teat including one with a fish in it and one with a stone in it. (h.o.)

April 9 dream:  Staying at movie star son’s home. Earlier he was pretend swimming as a swordfish. Laurie O. there as well.

April 9 dream:  Visiting old woman in nice home in very nice neighborhood of S.F. She’s cooking steaks. Our guide tells us we’ve found an excuse for anyone who wants to go back to N.Y.

April 8, 2023:  Wake up around noon after a hellish night. Get Facebook friend request from Jain F., an old high school girlfriend of sorts. Also see photo of “Adam” from The Sin of Adam and Eve movie which I saw on Market Street before I really came out to myself in ’69. Remember feeling terribly excited by the naked Adam and terribly ashamed as well. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean to San Jose Avenue. Take J to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. Check out with 19-year-old named Leo who’s a Scorpio born in the Year of the Sheep, he tells me. #48 to W.P. K home. Translate annoying woman sitting across from me. She gets off at next stop. So does beautiful young Asian man I hadn’t noticed before.

April 8 dream:  Looking out of window for naked aliens. We saw a dog. (h.o.)

April 8 dream:  Get offer to go to school and get $501 per month or start now at $701. Meet two gay classmates who seem to like me. And vice versa. They say. “What are you?” I say, “I would say bisexual ’cause I don’t want to cut anything out.” Earlier they talk of fellow worker named Denim.

April 8 dream:  Cleaning up, sweeping up, moving out.

April 7, 2023:  In ’til 4ish. K to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s. But he looks different. I don’t recognize him. He’s got the same hair and the same voice and an “ergio” name tag. Finally I realize he’s not wearing his mask. Today’s the first time I’ve ever seen him without a mask since I first met on October 14, 2021. Not sure if I like this new Sergio as much as I did the old one (the one I imagined). (*Relates to “Hard Reset” from April 4? Also to last dream of April 6?) Brandon, Sophie there, too. Train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett, Portola to #48 to W.P. Slice at Goat Hill Pizza. Cute guy there ignores me. Wave to Ladi as I run to catch K home. Start having shits about 3 a.m. in the morning. Later get up and throw up. Still having periodic shits. I sleep in late the next day and everything seems more or less fine again. (Later realize this was a sort of an ayahuasca purging without the ayahuasca.)

April 6, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Sit across from attractive young man who at one point changes seats and goes to the back of the train. I think he’s trying to avoid me. Later he comes back. We get off at the same spot. I admire him. As he walks home, he looks back several times. I think he’s a high school student and that I ran into him a few months ago ’cause he took the same route home and he looked back in the same way. Surprisingly, Sergio is at Peet’s. (*Relates to “Expect the Unexpected” I saw hier on back of Big Bang Theory DVD, I think.) Ian there, too. I say to Sergio, “Are you usually here on this day?” He says he’s just filling in for somebody. As I leave, I plan to jokingly ask him if he’d like to go camping with me (like to did with his sister last week). He didn’t really give me a chance. Train to Castro. Walk up Corbett and Portola to #48 to W.P. Stop by C.S. Reading Room to chat briefly with Ladi. Then K home. Beautiful Asian man gets on board. I sit across him and I stay with him ’til the end of the line. Then I wait for his bus to arrive. When it comes, he walks to the middle exit doors and gives me a parting look. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian.

April 6 dream:  Bill Fennie wants us to change procedures. And then we do. And many collectors come around.

April 6 dream:  Beautiful man dies in prison. Woman says he’s going to work 99.9% to find out what happened. (*Relates to seeing Sergio on April 7?)

April 5, 2023:  Rommel from apartment office came to my apartment and helped me get my phone working again. Yay! Was this my “hard reset”? Take nap. In ’til 4ish. Ride to W.P. with Joan from W.G. We talk about Prince Harry and JFK, Jr. Nedim and Ian and Sophie at Peet’s. Sophie gives chocolate croissant to homeless guy. Train to Castro. Meet black woman reading The More I Become a Woman by a Nigerian author. She says it’s good. Walk back via Corbett and Portola and #48 to W.P. Stop by Goat Hill Pizza for slice. Talk with young man there. He says his mother thinks he eats too much pizza. I say, “That’s what mothers say.” K home. Go to W.F. Check out behind beautiful man I fall in love with. I debate whether to put down my empty basket or not. Finally decide it would be okay to do that. I just didn’t want to miss a moment. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Even though I am Mind, it’s the body that runs the show. Conclusion: Truth is the Sole Proprietor and the Sole Property.

April 5 dream:  Sitting in back seat of crowded bus on the way here. Driver fights with guys with fire crackers trying to board.

April 5 dream:  Graduation day at shopping center. Guy comes in asking about someone. Man rams his truck into her station which turns into electric pole. Two utility guys climb up to try to help. Guy says, “I have told the Electric Co. why I went there. Except now.”

April 5 dream:  Guy flying onto roof on motorcycle kisses girl already on motorcycle on roof.

April 4, 2023:  In ’til 2:30ish. Go to optometrist. Get call from my apartment office while I’m on Muni. They say I may have to do a “hard reset” of my Android phone. Which made me think maybe “hard reset” is a metaphor for what I need to do in my life. So felt a lot better. The optometrist was no help. Will see them again next week. Buy Chron at Eezy-Feezy. Cashier is from Sacred Heart Cathedral school. Walk up Ulloa to Portola shopping center. Then down O’Shaughnessy to G.P. Go to C.B. Guy gives me dirty look, so I sit facing away from him. Later as he leaves, he stands in the doorway with his tight pants and his awesome ass. I guess I misread his “dirty look” Barista there also, I think, is interested in me. Go to library. Then walk up Monterey to Safeway. Pass Jun’s salon. Check out with Luis who is very non-communicative. #43 home. Work on Electoral College letters to California House member in p.m.

April 4 dream:  Have to take reference to my ship out of my story and make up a new website about it. For school assignment.

April 4 dream:  I’m sleeping next to fat guy.

April 3, 2023:  In ’til 1ish. Take K to Castro. Guy smiles at me getting off #24. Go to acupuncture appointment in Noe Valley. Then walk back to Castro. Go to Spikes. Sit next to guy who half-smiles at me, then moves to table outside. Walk up Market to Corbett to Portola to M.S. Too late, I see Ian at checkout line. I’m in the line next to him. Take L bus to W.P. Then K home. My computerized Latch app doesn’t work to let me in, so I enter the numbers manually. Spend hours trying to “enable” Bluetooth, which suddenly is being demanded of me by the Latch app. Email Avalon office for help. The office is closed tomorrow for company meeting in Concord.

April 3 dream:  Saying goodbye to friends in my building. Meet woman who says we are living in filth ’cause of all the clothes on the floor.

April 3 dream:  Woman shows us us directory of Bromby.

April 3 dream:  Waiting for woman to leave as she said she would. Meanwhile the guys ask me for drinks.

April 3 dream:  Getting rid of maggots.

April 2, 2023:  Begin mailing out Electoral College letters to U.S. Senators. In ’til 4ish. K to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s. Have nice talk with him on my way out. He tells me he went camping with is sister. I was thrilled to be speaking with him. Even older man behind me in line could see it. Train to Castro. Get slice of pizza. Walk by 440 Club. Up 18th Street to Corbett to Portola to #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian. Pick up shopping bag Cole dropped. Finish preparing Electoral College letters to 51 U.S. Senators.

April 2 dream:  Watching action movie with my father. Hero strips his two fat opponents of their clothes and then strips himself. He says, “I guess we all knew it was headed for this.” Then, as we were about to see hero’s naked ass, the commercials came on. Then two women start “swelling”, that is, sucking each other’s lips. One woman says, “Finally.”

April 1, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Trans parade on Ocean while waiting for K to optometrist. Glasses still not very helpful. Go to Peet’s. Nedim there. Nice librarian guy at W.P. library. Getting his degree in library science. Train to Castro. Beautiful day. Walk past 440 Club. Go to W.G. Up 18th Street to Corbett. Platinum blond middle-aged guy smiles at me. Later I fantasize about him taking my pants down and spanking me. I continue to Portola to #44 to F.H. K home. W.F. Sense testimony: Inflammation is caused by repressed aggression. Insight: My yin deficiency is not allowing myself to do things. 2nd insight: Eating sweets relates to my wish to return to the “safety” of my childhood.

April 1 dream:  Try to pour water into plastic bucket. Now it’s a plastic bag. Ask two guys to hold it for me so I can pour the water in. They both ignore me. Then everyone starts to ignore me. Decide to go downstairs to get a Chronicle. I’m wearing a carpet that feels like a robe. Get some food on it. Start to clean it off. The room is a luxury apartment still under construction. Beautiful views. I think I’d still rather have a house on the ground. I thought of just walking off the job but that might jeopardize my back pay.

March 31, 2023:  In ’til noonish. #29 and #38 to VA. Get my toenails done by very nice nurse. I told her it was like getting my feet washed like they did in the Bible. Then dermatology appointment with young black doctor. He told me he was from Ghana and Toronto. I told him I just watched a documentary about Toronto last night. Then we started talking about Anthony Bourdain. Nice-looking shirtless guy on Balboa. Go to La Promenade Café. Then walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Visit my Asian bakery friend. He’s glad to see me today. I remind him that tomorrow is April Fools’ Day. Two French guys walking up Balboa. Walk to 9th Avenue. Run into Bruce outside café. Later we are joined by Danny F. and another friend. Danny is 33 and quite attractive. He seems to have a mentee/mentor relationship with Bruce. I wonder why. #44 to F.H. K home. W.F.

March 31 dream:  Start legal secretary job. Start new file on Los Altos company which is concerned about the future. (h.o.)

March 31 dream:  I’m dying slowly. Probably a few more days.

March 31 dream:  Some dangerous acting people. I stand in line at food place. Raviolis look good.

March 30, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Get 100 more edited copies of my Electoral College letters. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Coyotes howling in tune with passing sirens. Run into Sean on Amethyst Way. Last saw him in December 2021. We had a nice talk about remote viewing, etc. Very touched by him. See hawk on Portola. Take #43 to F.H. Beautiful guy enters #43 as I exit. Then descend stairs at F.H. Little black boy peeing in corner. Later he and I are the only people in the station. Though there are many places to sit, he sits next to me. He says something. I say, “Did you say something?’ He says, “No. I ‘m just singing.” When the K arrives about 10 minutes later, I decide I must stay within sight of him. Stand next to beautiful Middle Eastern-looking young man. My “Love is Love” tote bag bangs against his leg without my knowing. He gets off at W.P. Black boy is still on board. I notice beautiful short-haired young white guy. He keeps looking around and our eyes connect and I do not flinch. He gets off at St. Francis Place. I feel like I’ve just had sex. (*Relates to wallet dropping at W.F. hier? Feels like little black boy was my guide to this short-haired god.) I get off at Lee. My little black friend is still on board. Later, see text from “Team Slotkin” (*See 2nd dream of March 27.)

March 30 dream:  Asian homeless guy in park with attractive body. I’m walking away but I look back. Realize I have six months to do something. Relates to the war in Ukraine?

March 29, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Pick up Electoral College letters at copy place. Take K to W.P. Give Bruce a copy of my Electoral College letter. He edits it without prompting on my part. Take train to Castro. Buy envelopes at W.G. Then stamps at 18th Street P.O. Walk up Corbett to Portola to #48. Get slice of Goat Hill pizza. Take K home. See beautiful black-haired guy on Ocean. Later see him at W.F. He’s not happy being admired. Check out with Harrold. Drop my wallet on the way out. Guy picks it up for me. I say, “That’s important.”

March 29 dream:  Pushy friend driving me through “slums.” He says, “These are your slums.” They didn’t look too bad to me. Just like a lot of Army housing with a front yard. Lots of shirtless guys doing push-ups

March 28, 2023:  In ’til 2:45ish. Take Electoral College letter to copy place. Order 100 copies. K to W.P. Kai and two baristas there. Kai tells me Terminator II is the best of the franchise and that after that, they aren’t worth much. Later he hangs out with his girlfriend who’s really beautiful but looks very high maintenance. Train to Castro. Walk up Market. Woman at Clayton smiles at me. Continue to Corbett to Portola. See guy waiting for #37 at Burnett. I wait with him. Then take #48 to W.P. Get pizza slice at Goat Hill Pizza. Handsome, red-haired counterperson who studies film at SF State. K home. Go to W.F. Cole there looking cute but touchy. Check out with Jian, in line behind well-built guy.

March 28 dream:  Go to doctor. He says for me to cut out cheese and smoking. I have three spots on my right arm which appear to be fading. It feels like I’m dying. I knew I would die before my father, who is still alive. Also, doctor wants me to bulk up to about 250 lbs. I wonder if that’s really healthy.

March 27, 2023:  in ’til 2ish. K to Castro. #24 to 24th Street. Go to acupuncture appointment. In my session last week I ended up at the doorstep of my 1992 Corvallis apartment. Today I ended up there as well, but I realized that the black guys who came to my doorstep a few days before John did were not an accident or a mere coincidence. They were a message from the Universe telling me, “This is what you are afraid of. This is what you will not open your door to. This is what John represents to you. Your primal self.” Or, as my acupuncturist tells me, my gall bladder meridian is blocked and I need to learn to just let go. After, I am still kind of in shock. See wedding dress store. Walk up Sanchez thru beautiful homes on way to Peet’s on upper Market. See “End” on Sanchez Street. (*Relates to dream of March 22?) Take K home.

March 27 dream:  Hard-on dream.

March 27 dream:  Move into new place. Use some of Ken Slotkin’s furniture. See crate labelled “Slot.”

March 26, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Evan, barista and Nedim at Peet’s. At one point, Nedim touches my arm. I back away. Train to Castro. Walk down sunny side. Up 18th Street to Market to Corbett. Two moving vans stuck in the middle of the intersection. On to Portola shopping center. Buy fish & chips. #43 to F.H. K home.

March 26 dream:  Afton Pit rehearsing us.

March 26 dream:  Bills coming due. Afton(?) me and Nancy O. Spots emerging and fading away.

March 25, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Evan, Nedim and barista at Peet’s. No Sergio. No seats inside so I sit outside in the cold. Nice talk with Evan. Train to Castro. Walk down sunny side of Castro (the east side). Pass very attractive black man basking in the sun at sidewalk cafe. I look back a few times. Go to S.B. Ask them about their recent strike. Baristo says it was only a one-day strike. They are newly unionized. Walk up 18th Street. See very attractive guy apparently waiting for #33 bus. Later he becomes less attractive so I walk up west side of Castro. Pass Namantha eating and talking on the phone at an outdoor table. He still doesn’t recognize me. Pass 440 Club. Then see my barber Steven smiling as he walks out of Louie’s Barbershop. Walk up Market to Corbett to Portola to M.S. Order meatball sandwich. See “Haircut Ed” briefly. #43 home. Insight: Watching Shameless, get upset when women cop enters changing room with only men. Try to relate that to my life.

March 25 dream:  Reapply for ROTC program. Officer talks to us about “being.” In tall building in eastern S.F. Beautiful area of S.F. I rarely see.

March 24, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go go C.B. John Atwater from Colorado calls. Then G.P. library. Female librarian who smiled at me on March 21 gives me addresses of two local Thai places. Take #35 from Chenery. Beautiful black bus driver is pissed that he has to stop around the corner from the actual bus stop to pick me up. So when he turns left off Chenery, I’m glad to  get off and continue walking up Chenery to Church Street Thai place. I look in and walk on up to Church Street. Then left on 24th Street. Glad to see that the vacant Real Foods store has finally been replaced. Up Castro to Marcello’s pizza. Have a slice of cheese pizza which is really god, but the cashier is kind of not. Walk up Market to Corbett to Portola to #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Get reuben sandwich. Lady says, “Do you want it toasted.” As opposed to untoasted? Check out with Harrold with two “r”s. Work on taxes. I owe $154!

March 24 dream:  Larry Sicarella wants me to read his very long speech on “night tennis.”

March 23, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Go to Plant Lady on Ocean Avenue. Then K to W.P. Nedim, Ian and Brandon at Peet’s. I asked Ian if Sergio had returned hier. He said, “No.” Guy walks in on me in the restroom. I angrily lock the door. Took me by surprise how angry I was. Turns out he was father of young man I was checking out. Train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett and Portola to M.S. See “Sir Allen” briefly. Burrito place. #43 to F.H. Take K to W.F. See friendly S.B.W.P. lady at W.F. Say hello. Insight: Calvin doesn’t want me to have friends of my own. Probably relates to my father, also.  Maybe John, too.

March 23 dream: Taking a test on TLCs.

March 22, 2023:  In ’til 12:30ish. Take BART to my bank in Oakland to buy CDs. After, walk by Lake Merritt, then up Telegraph Avenue form Oakland to Berkeley. Lots of empty storefronts on Telegraph in Oakland. Buy Chron from nice store manager at Oakland/Berkeley border. Three of my favorite cafes in Berkeley are closed. First time I had been in Berkeley since June of 2019. Lots of empty stores in Berkeley. Very depressing. Pass by Peet’s on Telegraph. Got interested looks from two different guys at that corner. After seeing that the Café Blue Door was closed, I walk back to Peet’s on Telegraph but they have no seats. So walk back to downtown Berkeley. Finally find a place to pee but I have to buy strawberry smoothie. Take F bus back to S.F. Make nice connection with guy and gal on F bus. Ride into Salesforce Transit Center for first time ever either from East Bay or S.F. Take F to Castro. There’s a two-car head-on collision at 16th and Market Streets. So get off and head to Peet’s on upper Market just 15 minutes before they close. Then buy meatball sandwich at Rossi’s Deli on Castro. Start eating it while sitting in the Castro Muni Station. Then PA announcer says, “No eating in the Muni station.” Guy next to me says, “They’ve got cameras everywhere.” Guy was acquaintance from Peet’s W.P. Later, as we pass Peet’s W.P. I see someone who looks like Sergio from the back at about 7:54 p.m. (*Trip to Berkeley relates to taking U-path at Lake Merced on March 20? Lot of gnats, then Sergio.)

March 22 dream:  HughJohn visits me at my beautiful home in S.F. I say, “What are you doing in S.F.?” Then say, “Oh, yeah, you have family up here.” Nancy O. visits me as well. I introduce her to HJ as my step-sister, thinking she’ll probably get mad about that. Later Afton Pitt joins us. Turns out Nancy already knew Afton from somewhere, which surprised me. Look out the  window at my fabulous view of the bay. Lots of seals stopping by to say hello. Large platypus-like creature and some kids playing with it or bothering it. Someone says, “Don’t do that.”

March 21, 2023:  In ’til 1ish. Take K and #48 to acupuncture appointment with Liam. RHSing my father beforehand. Realize the only reason I allowed my father to abuse me was because I thought I deserved it for my egocentric response to my mother’s murder. Realize, in effect, that it wasn’t my father at all who abused me. It was my own self-punishment which was merely manifested by him. On realization of this, while still sitting in the acupuncture waiting room, I smell the aroma of gardenias. When Liam arrives, I say to him, “Do you smell gardenias?” He doesn’t. (*Relates to hearing “March 21” way back in ’87. At the time I thought it related to John, but maybe the Universe has a different sense of time than most of us and when I heard “March 21” back in ’87 it related to today’s very important realization. Relates also to last dream of March 19 about never having the chance to feel stronger than my father, at least while he was still alive.) Have acupuncture session with Liam. At the end, he asks me how it went. I say, “I kept waiting for my spirit guides to appear.” Then Liam noticed the overhead lights in the hallway flickering. He says, “That’s never happened before.” As I leave lots of rain and wind. Take #35 to G.P library. Library lady smiles at me. Then go to C.B. Lights flickering there as well. Walk up O’Shaughnessy, following cute guy ’til he entered his apartment. Then continued up O’Shaughnessy. Run into another beautiful guy talking on his phone. I say aloud, “How cute can you get?” Go to M.S. See Ian on way in. Later check out with him. He’s a lot nicer today. #43 home. Sit across from guy in Harry Potter glasses. We get off at same spot, having made eye contact just once. Walk thru W.F. See Cole talking with co-worker. Check out with guy whose name I didn’t get.

March 21 dream:  Step-sister Nancy O. keeping record of how much is being spent. Laurie there too. I say, “I never knew Nancy was such a record keeper.” We were dividing $172,000 disposable income check between 10 people.

March 21 dream:  Almost have sex with older gay guy who I didn’t really want to have sex with.

March 20, 2023:  in ’til 2:30ish. K to W.P. Ian, Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Go to optometrist across the street. Really friendly office manager there. Also meet Dr. Mark. Like this place a lot better than the last place. The main thing, of course, is whether I can see better with the new glasses. Take L bus to Sloat Boulevard nursery, looking for new tree to hang my Xmas lights on. Stand next to really hot Asian guy on L bus. Woman asks me if I want to sit down. I say, “NO!” Cute stupid-acting cashier guy at nursery. Walk home. Go to U-shaped trail off Lake Merced, thinking I may get some sort of sign. Nothing but gnats. Then after I exit U-shaped path, smile at cute, long-haired guy who’s entering this special, to me, spot. Walk to Stonestown. Cute guy in hoodie waiting for bus. I tried to show off for him by jumping up on ledge. Walk thru Stonestown to Ocean Avenue. As I pass Chinese resto, guy inside says, “Good food.” So I go in and order chicken curry on rice, to go. Cute, sweet waiter. Take K home. Good chicken curry on rice.

March 20 dream:  Guy returns to home, family, neighborhood he was kicked out of.

March 20 dream:  Defending myself against UPC fighters. One was Jesus, who looked mean and ugly. I told him, “You don’t  like Jesus.” The others would try to slip electronic shields labelled “UPC” under my feet, but I had an anti-viral type defense against them.

March 19, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Go to W.G. on Ocean. Talk with Joan about Christian Science. Go to W.P. Kai and barista at Peet’s. Also Bruce. Almost rainy day. Decide to take M home. Cute blond guy with his dumpy girlfriend board and sit across from me. Guy reaches his hand out to girl. He tries to ignore me but when I scratch my nose, he scratches his . Get off at Balboa Station. Walk up Ocean. Pass homeless lady asking for popcorn. Go to Korean place for chicken curry over rice. It is crowded. There is a space across from Korean guy I think is cute. I ask if he minds if I sit there. He nods. Later waitress comes by and asks if we are together. I say, “No.” There is some confusion. Then he moves to side table. We both finish about the same time. I wait for him to exit resto. Go to W.F. Buy popcorn for homeless lady. Check out with Jian. He says, “Where have you been?” Cole, looking very cuddly, standing back-to-back behind Jian. Give popcorn to homeless lady. She says, “You came back.”

March 19 dream:  At big “rally” in almost full theater of volunteers for AA-type group. I’m talking with other guy about how great this group is., (h.o.)

March 19 dream:  “Phoenix at Work” – Artist makes art out of burnt-out lot. 

March 19 dream:  Telling somebody, “I never had a chance to be stronger than my father.”

March 18, 2023:  In ’til 3:15ish. K to W.P. Sergio there. Also Ian and barista I like. Serg tells me this is his last shift before he goes home for spring break. As I leave, I say, “Have fun on your trip.” He says something I don’t hear. Then I say, “See you when you get back.” (*Relates to 2nd dream of March 17, I think.) Take train to Castro. Walk up Corbett and Portola. Pass young black guy sitting on the sidewalk in front of his house, working on something and ignoring me. After I pass him, I turn around and he smiles excitedly. Walk to Woodside. Take #52 to F.H. Take K home. As soon as I board, notice beautiful young man and sit across from him. He smiles at me. Then ignores me for the rest of his trip.

March 18 dream:  Moved into new apt. Furniture hasn’t arrived yet. Already got money from my brother Tom. Step-sister Laurie is not happy that her bed is bigger than the others. Struggle to wake up.

March 18 dream:  See Namantha in the Castro. I’m wearing a button that says, in effect, “Don’t eat at his place.” He says he’s got some CDs (or DVDs) and I’m hoping we can go to his place and listen (or watch) them.

March 17, 2023:  Get new refrigerator in a.m. Makes me feel like I’m on vacation somewhere. In ’til 4:15ish. K to W.P. Nedim and barista. Nedim offers me a gold coin which I refuse. Train to Castro. Walk up Corbett and Portola to #48. Sit across from young man. We never connect with our eyes, but he grabs his butt as he exits. K to W.F. Three girls smile at me as I upload cash onto my Clipper Card. Check out with Cole. Compliment him on his new haircut as cute, friendly young guy behind me listens in.

March 17 dream:  Models of all the building an architect did in S.F. in my very nice apartment. Later go to my bathroom and there is someone working there. On the ledge, it says “And God anointed all my enemies and prepared a new room for me.”

March 17 dream:  I’m in Chicago at a birthday part. Somebody is collecting birthday cards. He puts aside my card and a card from Miami, saying he’ll get back to those later.

March 16, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Cute new Asian librarian there. Buy new Xmas tree lights at G.P. hardware store. Walk thru G.C.P. Then burrito place. Then #43 home. As I board bus, connect with handsome high school kid exiting. Then sit near another one and next to a third. Fall in p.m., putting new lights on my Xmas tree. Refrigerator breaks down in p.m. or at least that’s when I first notice it’s broken.

March 16 dream:  I live in beautiful two floor apartment. Not quite moved in. Four friends from my past stop over to see me. One told me he’d be stopping by but they caught me with my pants off.

March 16 dream:  Guy puts my hand right next to head of tiger. He says, “He knows you’re a friend of mine so he won’t bite.” Later wonder where in the world I’ll end up. There’s a map of the world that I’m looking at. I have about one to and one and a half years of school left.

March 16 dream:  Black women’s prison softball team is brought out. Lots of quarters on the floor.

March 15, 2023:  In ’til 11:30. #29 and #38 to VA. Xray my ribs for accident on February 28. Weigh in at about 230 lbs. Walk to La Promenade Café. Barista there attracted to me. Walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. See my Asian bakery friend. I say, “Are the Portuguese custard tarts in here always?” He says, “They’re here every time you come in.” #43 to M.S. See Ian but he doesn’t appear in a mood to talk. #43 home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: My yin is insufficient. Conclusion: Truth is the harmonious interplay of apparently opposite forces revealing their unitarian lifeblood.

March 15 dream:  Trump shares his anger with me. I am his secretary.

March 15 dream:  Contest to build something with a road to it. (h.o.)

March 15 dream:  Authorities tell me that my father wants me to get money from ATM when I cross the bridge.

March 14, 2023:  Get up early. Try to call in to the Majority Report with my comment about the expression “This sucks!” And how it really has a homophobic basis. Don’t get on. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Nice-looking guy working there with too white teeth tries to charm me. I’m not charmed. It’s kind of rainy so can’t decide if I should walk thru G.C.P. or just go home. Finally decide to just go home. Take #23 to Gennessee. Walk home. In p.m. Xmas tree lights go out as I watch Terminator movie that Tom was in.

March 14 dream:  Guy lists accomplishments in a box. I add “I talk” on top.

March 13, 2023:  In ’til 2ish. K to W.P. #48 to my acupuncture appointment. Meet Liam. Had really nice talk about Chinese medicine, healing, spirituality, etc., and then a 20-25 minute acupuncture session. At end of session, realized my pelvic pain relates to my disturbing relationship with John. Not that I didn’t know this before. But it reminded me. After, I felt very wobbly, like I needed to sit down. Walk to Castro. Go to Peet’s on Market. Then K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian. Tell him about my acupuncture session. He seemed very interested. Insight: John or Sergio and others are in my life to show me who I am/was as a child.

March 13 dream:  Try to put the halves of a table together again. (h.o.)

March 13 dream:  3 or 4 raggedy poor women get enough food and money that they can barely crawl out of their hole in the ground and keep themselves warm.

March 12, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Fire engines as I wait for K. Sergio, Ian and barista at Peet’s. Full house. Sergio says “Hi” to me as if nothing happened hier. When I leave, Sergio is in the back. Take train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Then pass Namantha outside Cafe Mystique. I turn around but he doesn’t recognize me. Walk up Castro to 24th Street. Check out my acupuncture place for tomorrow. Walk up Clipper to #48 to W.P. Stop by S.B. Nice barista there who I had met before. K home.

March 12 dream:  At banquet, friend offers me seconds. Also more of the liqueur drink we’re all drinking.

March 12 dream:  Young gay guy with no pants on leads me around gay section of town looking for friendly bar he knows. At first I don’t like him. Then I do.

March 12 dream:  John H. (or Tom O.) points out that my plan to marry butch woman I don’t really like is crazy. Tom O. moves out of his old room. U.S. Mail truck spills some mail on the street. I pick some of it up. Harriet is the local postal worker. I see some letters for me.

March 11, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Follow Asian guy in white shorts one stop beyond my usual. Sergio and two baristas at Peet’s. I tell Sergio about my dream of him. (*See first dream of March 9.) He asks what kind of shoes he was wearing. I said, “I didn’t see your feet.” Talk with short young guy who gave up his place in line to a cranky woman with a walker who wanted to go in first. He said, “I can wait.” I said, “Obviously, she couldn’t.” Then as I leave, I say good-bye to Sergio. He gives me a dirty look. It’s cold outside. I get photo taken with guy with bagpipes. I decide to take M home. Young guy in hoodie gets on. As we both get off at the end of the line, he gives me an invitational look. I follow him. He goes down to Balboa BART station. I go down there as well even though I was basically already home. I see him bending over to tie his shoes. He looks up. I return the look and walk on. (*Relates to shits from heir?) Then walk to W.F. See Cole at cashier stand. Decide to go home instead.

March 11 dream:  Billye Talmadge makes us guess who here new husband is. It’s Marcia Herndon’s old husband, the head of the Spelling Dept. at San Jose State.

March 11 dream:  Have $2 million in credit.

March 11 dream:  Go to N.Y.C. Jump into sand castle sort of structure. Realize too late that it’s not very sturdy and it sits on top of a deep hole in the ground. Have on a back pack. Earlier heard Bernie Sander’s voice, but it wasn’t him.

March 10, 2023:  Take K to Church Street. Group of about 4 or 5 high school boys. One in a muscle T-shirt. Another takes off his pants to reveal a pair of shorts. They are teasing fat, dumpy guy who they seem to realty like and vice versa. Muscle T-shirt guy takes dumpy guy’s shoe off. I’m hoping things escalate. They don’t. Dumpy guy’s shoe is returned. Dental appointment at 2 p.m. Then walk thru Castro. See homeless guy sitting on sidewalk. I keep on walking. Then double-back. I say, “Are you taking money?” He says, “Yes.” I give him $5. He had on a beautiful shade of pink fingernail polish. Walk in and out of Fabulosa Books. Black girl cashier smiles at me on my way in and out. Walk up Castro to G.P. Begin feeling “shitty.” Take shits at G.P. library. Then go to C.B. Then walk to Safeway. Feel kind of scared/excited walking by Jun’s barber salon without stopping by. Check out with cute, friendly, funny Asian guy at Safeway. Someone at next counter wins $80 off his bill. People jumping up and down. #43 home.

March 10 dream:  Look over parts of my book that need to be rewritten.

March 10 dream:  Fighting with the attorney general who is trying to deny me justice as a member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors. I threaten to sue him.

March 10 dream:  Step-sister Nancy driving me and Dad in his station wagon to resto. It’s closed. Dad asks her to drive to one of his construction sites. We stop. Nancy wants me to drive, so I get in driver’s seat and put in key.

March 10 dream:  Alarm clock going off in my dream.

March 9, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Sit near same cute Asian guy, I think, who I sat near hier on the way home. He kind of poses for me with his hand down his pants pocket. I exit one stop beyond my usual. As I exit, I touch his hair as he sits slouched in his seat. Kai, Brandon, Nedim, Bruce at Peet’s. Take K to Castro. It’s raining so I take M back. Get caught in the rain on Ocean Avenue. #49 home.

March 9 dream:  Sergio comes up to me at Peet’s.

March 9 dream:  Staying overnite at Swedish girlfriend’s place. Someone asks me where she is. I say, “I think she’s sleeping.” (h.o.)

March 9 dream:  4 or 5 of us getting ready to go to “America” with the intention to do good. Nobody is in much of a rush.

March 9 dream:  Walk down tall office building in S.F. See Barry Bram in meeting. He tells me he’ll see me on Tuesday. I find out that Zelensky died. I see Mayor Brown at diner and am dying to be the first to tell him. So I don’t. Lots of construction going on around S.F. with huge holes in the ground where buildings used to be.

March 8, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Jasmine, Sophie, and Nedim at Peet’s. I say to Jasmine, Looks like an all-woman crew today.” She says, “I wish. Nedim’s in the back.” Train to Castro. Walk up Corbett and Portola. Beautiful skateboarder smiles at me and totally undoes me. (*Relates to first dream of March 7?) Catch #52 to F.H. K home. Sit next to cute young Asian guy for whom I stay onboard one stop beyond my usual. He got off at City College. W.F. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Injured bones take a long time to heal. Conclusion: The wholeness of Consciousness is a given as is the wholeness of Its Body.

March 8 dream:  Dive off very springy diving board.

March 8 dream:  Friend takes new 442 TV but can’t get it to work.

March 8 dream:  Driving thru S.F. Notice something I’d never noticed before. I think, “I don’t want to leave this city.”

March 7, 2023:  Get up early. Online work. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Stop at San Jose Avenue liquor store. Nice guy there. We talk about how everybody seems to be over Covid. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Walk to G.C.P. Feel “shitty.” Go back to library. Take shits. Walk thru G.C.P. Go to M.S. Pass Jasper (my “slow” friend from January 23, 2022) who seems to yell out to me. Check out with “Haircut Ed.” #43 home.

March 7 nap dream:  See John on train like a pied piper to a lot of young boys. Later on train, I talk with two school boys with a lot of library books. I say, “Are these from your school library?” They say, “Yes.”

March 7 dream:  Took photos of big birds flying around. Then camera won’t work and barge with head flies over. Then tall brown statue of ancient teacher-like guy looking at me. Then, when I try to take a photo of him, he looks away.

March 7 dream:  When meeting the swami, two of our group want to just blank out that they want to be swamis. Me and another advise against this.

March 6, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nedim, Ian and barista at Peet’s. Also Bruce. Train to Castro. Walk up Corbettt and Portola to #36 to F.H. K home. W.F. Check out with guy who name I didn’t know. Maybe Harrold with two r’s. See “Perfection” in p.m.

March 6 dream:  Woman in pink follows me into restroom to see what it looks like. I pee brown pee.

March 6 dream:  Racing home on bike trying to beat girl behind me. Turn off at San Luis Obispo. Riding on high freeway overpass. I say to myself, “This is the hardest part.” Beautiful modern city that I’d never noticed before. I’m now a black man with a black friend. We’re thinking of stealing something. Black woman comes up to us and gives us OSU basketball with OSU letters in orange. Says they have a really good program there.

March 5, 2023:  Online work. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Evan, Kai, barista at Peet’s. Evan shows me his tats. He says he and his friend are both vampires. Don’t get a chance to speak with Kai. Take train to Castro. Begin walking up Corbett. Start feeling “shitty.” Go back to Market and Castro. Guy with bouquet of flowers in his arms gives me a come-on look. Take K home. Go to W.F. Get tacos from Javier’s co-worker. They’re awful. Check out with Jian. He tells me he has “passionate” computer science teachers at CCSf. Rush home. Take shits.

March 5 dream:  Someone asks Sarah, “When did you raise your dog?” We say, “Sarah raised her son a few months ago. And Billy is her dog.”

March 5 dream:  Eat at big resto with Hanz and other friends.

March 4, 2023:  In ’til 3:45ish. Old man with big box on Ocean Avenue looking for a post office. K to W.P. Ian, Sergio, Sophie at Peet’s. I compliment Sergio on his hair. I say, “It almost looks unreal. It’s so thick. Or maybe it only looks unreal compared to what I look at in the mirror every day.” Talk briefly with Ian and Sophie as well. Sophie is studying environmental science. Sergio kind of beams when I start talking with her. Train to Castro. Walk up Corbett and Portola to M.S. Check out with Sir Allen. He has on a mask and a hoodie. I say, “It looks like you’re wearing a burka.” #52 to F.H. K home. Feeling better. Insight: Kick in the ribs from February 28 was John’s parting gift to me? Thunder and rain outside immediately after I think this. Also break plastic window curtain panel. 2nd insight: Attractive men may be a threat to my father’s love for me.

March 4 dream:  Our assignment is to pick out 7 pieces of music that really move us and 7 pieces of music that really make us happy. I wonder why I’m taking this course. The class is at somebody’s house. I’m playing with a kind of slow kid in a chair. He doesn’t want me to go. Then he ignores me.

March 4 dream:  Good-looking arrogant wrestler gets stripped of his pants. It excites me.

March 4 dream:  Someone at work makes complaints about me. I demand to know who and what were the complaints.

March 4 dream:  Start our trip from San Jose to S.F. Nannie is on truck with us. Then she’s gone and it’s a bunch of fellow gays, at least one with his shirt off, on a ride to S.F. Someone says, “And then Manhattan.” I think, “That would be fine with me.”

March 3, 2023:  Anonymous call at about 9:30 a.m. Hear “Ft. Collins” on Thom Hartmann Program. See “1111” on my computer screen. In ’til 3ish. Pass Cole inside W.F. on way to G.P. Get call from S.F. Police asking if I know Daniel Banks. They tell me he was found dead in his Bush Street apartment on February 25. They got my name from a Xmas card I sent him. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. to #48. Sit across from two French guys again, just like hier. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole standing in the same place he was at 3ish.

March 3 dream:  Meet man and woman I really like at vacation in someone’s home in North Bay. We only have a few days left, so they want to spend a day together and I want to spend a day with at least one of them.

March 2, 2023:  VA video appointment with Wilson Fong at 9 a.m. Online work. Call Thom Hartmann Program about my electoral college idea and I get on air. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Take K to W.P. Sit across from same beautiful dark-skinned student I sat across from hier. He was all hard looks hier. Today he seemed kind of seductive. Brandon, Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Barista gives me free drink. Bruce there, too. Train to Castro. Pick up B.A.R. They published my letter. Walk up Corbett and Portola. (See two French guys crossing Portola and entering apartment.) #52 to F.H. K home. Translate in my sleep: Conclusion: Truth can only be “righted.”

March 2 nap dream:  Go one floor down. Women’s wear? See Jean Evans and realize she is like my mother to me, as Thane said so many years ago. (*Relates to realizing that Sarah was a mother figure to me, I think.)

March 2 dream:  Everything is being fixed except the old Buick. “Why?” someone asks someone else.

March 2 dream:  God gives everyone the gift of their sexuality back.

March 1, 2023:  Rough nite last nite due to rib pain. Call VA in a.m. Feel better. Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 3:30ish. Jasmine, Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Go to W.G. Then up Corbett and Portola to M.S. Check out with “Haircut Ed.” Say hello to Ian but still he’s very muted. Take #43 to F.H. Sit across from two young skateboarders. Bus driver tells me our bus is being re-routed. I say aloud, “Is it a police action?” Skateboarder says, “I see some meter maids.” I say, “Maybe it’s some meter maid action.” He smiles. Take K home. Feel very comfortable in my seat. Then guy comes in who I know I must follow. So I get up and sit across from him. He asks me about my camera. Then we (mostly he) talks all the way to where we both get off. He refers me to books, movies and events that I added to my BathtubBulletin and OccupySF.net websites. His name is Troy. As we get off, he realizes he took the wrong train the wrong way, as he was headed to Stonestown. He was reading Letter to a Young Scientist by Edward O. Wilson. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Fear of love can cause violence. Conclusion: Truth is blameless causation and endless possibilities. All Systems Go!

March 1 dream:  Go to Prosperos event. Am not very welcome or very interested. Kiss one guy goodbye. Ignore the others.

March 1 dream:  At reunion, a breast jump over everybody. I think I see Cathy Warfield, but it’s just a little plaque with the names of those who have died or couldn’t be found.

March 1 dream:  I’m sleeping in step-sister’s Laurie’s bed. She says she wants me to sleep with a bar of soap in my mouth. I say, “That’s it,” and leave. Now I’ve got to get back to the city (S.F.). 

February 28, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Ian, Nedim and Brandon at Peet’s. Brandon get a wild new haircut and I tell him that as I leave. He says, “Thanks.” (*Relates to shits from hier at Peet’s, I think.) Cute guy at table outside cafe on W.P. Avenue. I do double-take. He smiles. It’s very cold and I want to go home. Try to take K home. Get caught in Muni fare gate and it hits me in the ribs. Decide that’s a sign I should take train to Castro instead. Go to Castro. Walk up Corbett and Portola. #52 to F.H. Really nice black woman bus driver smiles sweetly at me as I board. Take K home. Go to W.F. See Jian at deli counter but don’t talk with him. I’m still worried about my ribs. What if they’re cracked? What if they’re bruised? I think reason I get so worried about my health is because I didn’t feel safe as a young man.

February 28 dream:  I get a few gifts from my parents, and some money, my step-mother said.

February 28 dream:  Robber that I know is more threatening than usual. I think ’cause he’s scared. [Robber is John?]

February 27, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Ian at Peet’s. Also suddenly feel “shitty” and take shits at Peet’s. See “9 of Hearts” playing card on sidewalk. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Look for copy of B.A.R. to see if my letter is printed. Later realize the new edition won’t come out ’til March 3. Walk up Corbett to Portola to #52. Young, handsome bus driver picks me up and says, “Welcome.” I’m the only passenger on the bus. As I exit, I say, “Not much business tonight.” He says, “There was another bus ahead of me.” Get off at F.H. K home. Make connection with young teen guy. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian. We talk about his Harry Potter glasses. Shits again in p.m.

February 27 dream:  I’m drunk at work at night. There’s a big party going on. I can barely crawl down the hallway. I have been charged with a serious crime and I know I’m going to have to face it tomorrow. [Is the crime that I’ve continued with my life even though Sarah can’t? Just like I did with my mother.]

February 27 dream:  Someone is going to make love with my mother.

February 26, 2023:  In ’til 3:45ish. Rainy outside. K to W.P. Evan, Kai, Jasmine at Peet’s. I’m wearing red pants, red shirt and red umbrella. Evan says, “I like your outfit. It’s color-coded.” Kai and I talk about movies and I mention that my brother Tom was in The Terminator with lines and everything. Spent a lot of time online trying to find a clip of his appearance. My brother was also the Executive Producer of a movie called The Hermaphrodite (1996) and appeared in Remember My Name (1978). Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up to Corbett and Portola to M.S. Check out with Ian. I say, “Working hard?” He says, “Hardly working.” I say, “As long as you get in your daily exercise.” He doesn’t respond. #36 to F.H. K home. Watched Remember My Name online in p.m. Not very good movie in my opinion, but had some big names like Tony Perkins, Geraldine Chaplin and Jeff Goldblum.

February 26 nap dream:  Guy tries to steal my pants from public laundry. I grab him.

February 26 dream:  Father and son having to part ways.

February 26 dream:  Me having to go to the dentist.

February 25, 2023:  Get up late. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Evan, Jasmine, Kai and Ian at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Go to Eureka Valley library. Walk past 440 Club. Then up 18th Street to Market. While thinking that I should check with John before publishing my book, friendly black guy walking downhill gives me a big smile. Walk up Glendale Street. Trip and almost fall. See person and his dog in my way. Turns out it’s same young man and his dog from February 21. This time he looked away. Go to M.S. $78.33 bill for not very much food. #43 home.

February 23 dream:  Rear Admiral South is giving me an oral exam on Translation. I begin, “Translation 1 and 2 show us …” Also pee in crowded restroom, with mostly women. All at urinals.

February 23 dream:  Talk to Thane about theater art class I’ll be presenting using Translation as a base.

February 24, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Owner’s son Justin is baristo there. Read the word “Congress” but realize it doesn’t make any sense in what I am reading. So I go back and see that “Congress” doesn’t appear anywhere. Think this is a sign that I will become a Congressperson. Get very excited for several minutes and feel very self-important for a while. Then come down to earth and see that this is just an aspect of my personality that I need to recognize and relinquish. Go to G.P. Library. Walk thru G.C.P. It’s cold. Catch #48. Make eye contact briefly with cute teen. Then Asian guy makes contact with me. I decide to stay one stop beyond my usual to see what he does. But he gets off at my usual stop. I follow him off. He beads uphill and looks back. I look at him but decide not to follow him. (*Relates to hail from hier. It happens but it’s rare that somebody would come on to me without me making the first move.) Take K home. W.F. Check out with Jian. Then coma back and buy popcorn for homeless woman outside W.F. who had requested popcorn from me before. See “Perfection” on the popcorn package. Give popcorn to homeless woman. She says, “No, thanks.” I say, “No, thanks?” She says, “No, thanks.” I say, “Well, I’ll just leave it here in case you change your mind.”

February 24 dream:  Security guard throws food at us. (h.o.)

February 24 dream:  My roommate wants me to take a bath which I do. Then I switch to a shower ’cause I don’t want to sit in my filth. Some people drop by including Lip from Shameless who tells me how good most of the photos turned out ’cause we were in a really good state of mind.

February 23, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Brandon (with pearls), Kai and barista at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Go to Eureka Valley library. Walk up Corbett and Portola. Get caught in rain and then, briefly, hail. #44 to F.H. K home. W.F. Check out with Jian. Try to get online with Thom Hartmann Program. Thunder and lightning in p.m.

February 23 dream:  I’m a New York Jew in Miami. The burn on my hand is healing.

February 23 dream:  Clean up my room.

February 22, 2023:  Go to Peet’s early to catch Brandon at his morning shift. As soon as I arrive, I see Sergio, but not Brandon. I greet Sergio and say, “Where’s Brandon?” Sergio points him out. “He’s right there.” I hadn’t noticed Brandon since he was dressed in black with very little ornamentation. When Brandon sees me, I say, “Where’s the pearls?” He says, “Oh, I forgot, but I’ll wear them tomorrow and I work the afternoon shift tomorrow.” Take train to Castro. Walk up Corbett and Portola to M.S. Amazon Prime drive on Corbett with long dreds and nice smile. #43 home. Read that it may snow over the next few days.

February 22 dream:  Woman beneath me puts a gloved hand over my balls. (h.o.)

February 22 dream:  We’re trying to win a contest in a gay group. My friend suggests we sing a song in drag.

February 22 dream:  At work, buy two new machines that copy DVDs and other stuff. Friend brings in one year anniversary gift in manila folder. Think it’s a book.

February 22 dream:  Driver of car stops to avoid hitting other car which is holding out a table on the passenger side. I wonder why we’re stopping. Suddenly I find myself in the driver’s seat and the guy in the back seat seems unconscious. Also, there’s lots of blackened burn spots on the pavement.

February 22 dream:  Black woman not happy with her “Mom” notes we’ve put all over the place. Also, it’s Father’s Day.

February 22 dream:  Big pole in background. My penis is being restored.

February 21, 2023:  11 a.m. online class on personal finances. In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Go to Peet’s expecting Sergio to be there as Ian indicated hier. He wasn’t. But Brandon was. He’s the one who wore pearls around his neck on January 18. I said, “Where are the pearls/” He said, “I’ll wear them tomorrow.” So I plan to show up early tomorrow so I catch him at his morning shift. Train to Castro. Walk up Corbett and Portola to M.S. Dog walker on Corbett. I don’t know whether he’s male or female so I look closely. He smiles. See Ian at M.S. and tell him, “Don’t go outside. It’s really windy.” He barely responds.

February 21 dream:  I’m living and working in a hotel. A friend of mine from Kansas stopped by while I was at work. (h.o.)

February 21 dream:  Got in touch with Bob Reed (my OSU roommate) and his cute friend who looks remarkably similar to what he looked like in the ’60s. We turn on his (the friend’s) heater to test it out. Also two other heaters.

February 21 dream:  Tom C. there. Harriet takes corner piece of map of S.F. so she can figure out the train system in her corner of the city.

February 20, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Ian and two strange (to me) baristas at Peet’s. Ian tells me that Sergio will be in tomorrow. Feeling kind of “shitty” so take K home. W.F. Check out with Jian.

February 20 dream:  Go to store to buy baby stuff. See Debbie (from Shameless). She waits on me and gives me change, mostly quarters and one 50 cent piece. She asks if she can feel the coins again. And says, “We’ve been through so much.”

February 20 dream:  Going through my book. Needs a lot of editing.

February 20 dream:  Helping elderly blind man down to Room 421 in church so he can teach us something.

February 19, 2023:  Get email from Rick that Sarah died on February 17 at 3:20 p.m. PST. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. See black ghost on Wawona Street. Sergio at Peet’s We talk briefly. He says they’re closing early today. I say, “When?” He says, “About 6 o’clock.” Later I realize he may have been giving me an opportunity to hook up with him. That didn’t make me happy. Train to Castro. Walk up Corbett and Portola to #43 home. Pretty woman and cute guy onboard. Woman smiles as she exits. I unintentionally touch guy’s finger as he exist. W.F.

February 19 dream:  Take ship to first stop. Can’t find way to get down. Then it appears. Go through kind of shopping mall. See James Tunney leaning up against a wall looking beat up. I stop to talk to him.

February 19 dream:  Cartoon guy says, “See, that’s why I switched to women.”

February 18, 2023:  Got email that Sarah died. Even though I already knew this intuitively, it hit me harder than I thought. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See dead rat on the way. See Lee at G.P. Market. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Pause to engage nonverbally with cute young man eating outside Canyon Market. Walk thru G.C.P. Connect with guy(s0 on Portola Drive. Go to M.S. Then CVS. Cashier tells me about truck driving threw front window to try to steal ATM machine and failing. #43 to F.H. K home. W.F.

February 18 dream:  Agree to work with other guy to put our handprints on wood floor. (h.o.)

February 18 dream:  Next to very mossy river. Guy with wooden spoon says we can reach another civilization if we reach down with our spoons for 30 feet.

February 18 dream:  Waiting to do my laundry. Friend there also. Some woman talks about how USC will be the center of the new transportation system.

February 18 dream:  I’m on emergency patrol in a locker room with a red jacket and sash on. Guy about to faint. Me and another guy get him water and coffee. Now he’s talking about wanting a hamburger. Also black family there with young boy who I like.

February 17, 2023:  Get up early. Take nap later. In ’til 3:30ish. Leave house. Feel “shitty.” Come back and take shits. K to W.P. High school guy adding product to his hair while waiting for K. Nedim and two baristas at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Cute guy with big yellow plastic suitcase on train. He makes me happy just sitting there. I ask him (twice), “Is that a suitcase?” He smiies softly and says, “Yes.” Walk up Corbett and Portola to #48 to W.P. Beautiful woman on W.P. Avenue smiles knowingly at me. Take K home. Short, cute young Asian guy gets onboard. I catch his eye twice before I exit. His looks penetrate me. I exit train and think that I should connect with him again. Train operator offers to open the door for me, but I wave him off. Go to W.F. Check out with happy, smiling Jian.

February 17 nap dream:  Embrace young lady.

February 17 dream:  Big snow-covered mountain in in West Oakland parking lot. I want to take a photo of it. Then realize I’m dreaming.

February 17 dream:  Running the vacuum thru a series of things, trying to reach my destination. Dan Banks there. (h.o.)

February 17 dream:  Making sure we were all present and accounted for. Someone asks if her black friend is pregnant. We’re told she’s not.

February 17 dream:  Some friends of mine are going to be in a play on Thursday. I go to other play but I mark down their play in my calendar. Other play is all about how how great women are and how we should all realize that.

February 16, 2023:  Get up early for me (about 9 a.m.) Do online work. Then nap. Then K to W.P. Ian, Nedim, barista at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett and Portola to M.S. See Ian but we don’t talk. #43 to F.H. K home. Connect with black guy on #43. Connect with black guy on K.

February 16 nap dream:  Becky Torres telling me about discount at McD’s.

February 16 dream:  Big celebration wraps up. We try to make sure little kid doesn’t fall in the water. (h.o.)

February 16 dream:  Man refuses medical treatment. Woman gets emotional with him. Later sits on my lap and says, “Do you think I was too emotional?” I say, “No, you were great.” When she gets up, I pick up baby shoes from the floor.

February 15, 2023:  See article about playwright Christopher Chen online. I met him in 2017 when he was working for the Ingleside library. In ’til 3ish. Go to Inglewood library to tell them about the Chris Chen article. K to W.P. Go to optometrist Mebine’s office. Then go across the street to new optometrist office who I met hier, and make an appointment. Ian, Nedim, barista at Peet’s. Barista gives me free drink. Feel kind of shitty. Decide to take train home. Then change my mind and take train to Castro. See cute EMT talking with cyclist who just got hit, it looked like. Take K home. Go to W.F. Get email from my own email address with YouTube recommendation. My Xmas tree lights go out briefly in p.m. Then go back on.

February 15 dream:  Move into Laurie’s old room upstairs. Have back porch to myself.

February 15 dream:  Get up to see what’s making the curtain move. [Then wake up.]

February 15 dream:  Cleaning up after a big party.

February 14, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Ian, Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Pick up wilted red carantion from the floor of train. Put on top of trash can in the Castro. Homeless guy greets me. I don’t understand what he’s saying. So I walk towards him and ask. He says, “Happy Valentines Day.” Made me (and him, I think) very happy. Walk up Corbett and Portola to #48 to W.P. Talk to friendly optometrist who tries to tell me why my computer glasses don’t really help me read the computer. Take K home. W.F.

February 14 dream:  In Paris in a suit. Someone “wows” at me. It’s someone I know. I say, “Richard?” in a French accent. He is a proctologist? He mentions my scrotum, jokingly, to get my attention.

February 14 dream:  HughJohn says he’s getting into hunting and the outdoors and spirituality. I say, “Spirituality is how we met. How everyone in this room met.” We embrace. I embrace him from behind.

February 13, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Ian, Nedim, barista at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Walk up 17th Street to T.P. to M.S. Very dark and windy at top of T.P. Check out with “Haircut Ed” at M.S. #43 home. Peet’s barista from earlier gets off #43 as I get on.

February 13 dream:  Invite Gary Tombleson to join our leadership class. He says, “You’re going to have to do better than that.” He’s going to give his own class on leadership afterwards.

February 13 dream:  Man and woman are both going to prison.

February 13 dream:  I’m reading The Godfather for a test. Person studying next to me is credited. Phoebe (from Friends) is in pool in bikini. Then a double of her appears. People support me.

February 13 dream:  Sarah comes home with a little black baby boy. In fact, he has an erection and public hair. I hold him. Later she goes outside to do a dance of joy with a stranger.

February 12, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Evan and barista at Peet’s. Talk with Evan about The Smiths. He said they stopped singing because they were too old. I said, “Isn’t Mick Jagger still singing?” He wasn’t sure he knew who Mick Jagger was. Later I notice Sergio as he is working near me, but he ignores me. (*Relates to vicious dog from hier?) Begin to feel “shitty” as I leave Peet’s so head to W.P. station to catch K home. See hot guy exiting W.P. station. Sort of whoop at him. Later on the K, I see him walking down W.P. Avenue. He has a great body and walks with casual authority. Makes me very happy. Go to W.F. Check out with woman across from Cole. Take shits whee I get home. Realize I may be addicted to sugar and my body is saying, “No more!”

February 12 dream:  Want to give people at bank 15 points before work day each for their help.

February 12 dream:  Melissa calls checking up on me. I tell her I took my computer for annual look see. She jokes, “If you’re going to have an affair, go to a 3rd class hotel.”

February 12 dream:  I break my cellphone.

February 11, 2023:  Hear “Ft. Collins” in a.m. Laurie not on Facebook commenting on my photos as she usually does. In ’til 1ish. Take K to Castro for haircut at Louie’s Barbershop. OK haircut. He left my hair wet. Who does that? As I leave, I say, “I’ll see you in 5-1/2 weeks.” Shop for flashlight at W.G. and Cliff’s. Then go to Spike’s. Great Jasmine tea. #24 to Noe Valley. Go to W.G. on Castro there. Handsome, funny security guard calls me “boss” as I leave. Walk to G.P. Dog on Moffitt Street barks at me viciously. Owner says, “He’s never like that.” (*Relates to Sergio on February 12?) Buy flashlight at G.P. hardware. Go to G.P. library. Go to C.B. Walk home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole who had his hair back to being undyed. I couldn’t tell if it was him at first.

February 11 dream:  I am helping prepare a meal with an audience around me. I know John is in the audience. Two guys return from trip.

February 11 dream:  Women going to naked slumber party under covers in one bed.

February 11 dream:  Guyado.

February 11 dream:  Translate in my near-sleep: Sense testimony: I must deny myself to fit in. Conclusion: Truth is always the self-evident, undeniable, appropriate identity.

February 11 dream:  Talk to Carol Carter and Clair Gold even though I know they are dead. And they respond. Then I see Thane and he smiles at me. I wonder how he can keep so healthy. Later taking a long piss and my dick seems long, too. I get some pee on my pants so try to cover it with a towel as I talk with some of the guys, who seem to accept me as one of their own.

February 11 dream:  Guy mad at me for platforming AIDS denier back with the Metaphysical Alliance.

February 10, 2023:  Realize I’m angry at more than my father. (*See diary from hier.) I’m angry at society. At my step-family. At heterosexism. At God. At Republicans. At corporate Democrats. At racists. At John. At stupid people. At cute guys. At women. This is fun. In ’til 3ish. Black guy on Ocean nods at me. Then black guy on K nods at me. Buy lotto ticket. Guy at newsstand tells me he won $70,000 on scratch-off. Tell every one at Peet’s (Nedim and two baristas) that I’m going to win $35 million. Train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett and Portola to #48 to W.P. Talk more with Ladi about page 264 quote from Science and Health. (*See diary of February 6.) Then K home.

February 10 dream:  Get out of the bath. Thane offers me a ride home. Then a young Rick Thomas does as well. So Thane bows out.

February 10 dream:  Am at retreat with Thane and others there. Thane has a third leg hanging between his normal two legs. Jordan shows how to arrest someone. My motherly instincts kick in.

February 10 dream:  I stand in middle of battlefield and say, “This ends now.”

February 10 dream:  My father calls a cab for me to see the movie E.T.

February 9, 2023:  In itl 3ish. Go to Balboa Skatepark to see if Zeph might be there. He wasn’t. Take K to W.P. Nedim, Ian, Bruce at Peet’s. Also cute Asian guy who tried to ignore me. Train to Castro. Go to Louis’s Barbershop. Run into Steve, my new barber, as he is going home. We talk briefly. He kind of overpowered me. Walk up Corbett to Portola. Get anonymous phone call. Realize the reason I’m angry at my father (*See online diary from hier). I’m angry at my father for no longer loving me like he did before he got remarried. But how could I express my anger? “Dad, why aren’t you fucking me anymore?” Go to W.F. See Lee Street guy (the 2nd non-communicative guy from February 5). Check out with Jian.

February 9 dream:  Dog thinks somebody should wear pin, but it’s hard to put on them. (h.o.)

February 9 dream:  Standing on top of metal building. Lots of water in courtyard below which eventually drains out. As I leave, see my friend C.O. I have some homework in my hands.

February 9 dream:  Am staying with some wealthy, generous people. I go to catch bus to meet someone. Don’t know where to catch the bus. My appointment is at 10:30 a.m. or so and it’s 10 a.m.

February 8, 2023:  Lots of noise from apartment remodel upstairs from 9 a.m. on. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Run into Zeph at Balboa Skatepark. He is the only person in the park. I go in. He says, “I recognize you.” He tells me his name is Zeph and that he used to work at C.B. I tell I don’t remember him but he looks familiar. When I get home I search my diary and find out that I mention him over 150 times. Zeph is short for Zephania, an Old Testament prophet. I looked it up in the Bible and saw this quote: “I will make you a name and a praise among all people of the earth.” Go to C.B. Sit next to long-haired man at C.B. I turn off my cellphone video in case there is an opportunity to connect with him. There wasn’t. Go to G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. See Janet, the coyote lady, but no coyotes. Go to M.S. #43 home. I’m about to exit one stop early when I connect with beautiful man standing in the doorway. I forego my photo. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Consumption of sugar may cause inflammation. Conclusion: It can be taken for granted that Truth is always agreeable, always sweet. One of the insights I got from this Translation is that what I eat my anger. And my anger is towards my father.

February 8 dream:  Working on my book.

February 8 dream:  Being given lots of work to do at my new job.

February 7, 2023:  Get up at 8ish to go to VA for post-op appointment. Everything fine. No heavy lifting for a few weeks. Walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. See my Asian bakery friend. Check out reflexology place on Irving. They don’t speak English so hard to talk with them. Take #43 to Cole Valery Peet’s. Rude bristo. #43 home. Beautiful young guy I check out. In return, he makes eyes at me. We both get off at same place. He gets on #49. I go to W.F. Refrigerated food lady excited to see me. Check out with Jeff. Jerk off when I get home. Watch Matthew Bourne’s Swan Lake in p.m.

February 7 dream:  Plane lands. There is no help from our parents so we create our own space right in the middle of the yard.

February 6, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Nedim, Bruce at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett and Portola to #48 to W.P. Stop by C.S. Reading Room to talk with Ladi about Mary Baker Eddy quote I saw in their window: “As mortals gain more correct views of God and man, multitudinous objects of creation, which before were invisible, will become visible.” Take K home. W.F. Check out with ever-friendly Jain.

February 6 dream:  Leaving place of employment I’ve been at for a while.

February 6 dream:  Join President Obama and others voting against Biden helping the Russians. Man in crowd says, “Who you vote for is who you want to fuck.”

February 6 dream:  I get a ride to be married to a guy in Santa Cruz. I ask guy giving me a ride if he’s going to the wedding. He says no one invited him. I’m trying to type in some words and they keep disappearing after I type them in.

February 5, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Sergio, Evan, Ian at Peet’s. When I go to restroom, somebody grabs at he locked door. I fantasize that Sergio is trying to get in to have sex with me. Train to Castro. Walk up Corbett and Portola to #48. Sit next to non-communicative guy on #48. And stand across from non-communicative guy on K home. Run into Shrey as we both enter through back door to apartment building. He’s been working at Moth Belly Gallery on Larkin near Geary.

February 5 dream:  Go on date with young woman. Someone takes photo of us with a puppy. Guy says, “It was definitely a date.” Take pee and get it all over my shoe and the floor and another guy. (h.o.)

February 5 dream:  See Maureen Malanaphy, then Livia Malanaphy.

February 5 dream:  Start job on Tuesday with Calvin and some of his friends.

February 4, 2023:  Black ghost appears to leave my bed as I awaken. In ’til 3;30ish. Walk to G.pP Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Walk up O’Shaughnessy Boulevard in light rain. Go to M.S. Then #43 to F.H. Sit next to friendly young man waiting for the K. He tells me about his Kanye shoes and his plans to go to U. of Oregon. When we get on train, we sit separately. Then I join him and we continue our conversation. The door shuts on him before he can get off. I yell “Back door!” and the door opens.

February 4 dream:  Tom C. and others show up to event.

February 3, 2023:  Get up late. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Lots of noisy elementary school girls and one guy in black hoodie trying to cover his face. I touch his arm as I leave train. Ian, barista, Nedim at Peet’s. Beautiful young woman smiles at me. Freaks me out. Later I turn around and she’s not there. Nedim tells me Daniel showed up half hour after I left hier. Train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett and Portola and #52 to F.H. K home.

February 3 dream:  My new apartment is very small, painted white with a stain on the carpet. Local gay men going out on the roof naked and spreading their legs.

February 2, 2023:  Get new lock at 9 a.m. VA video appointment at 11 a.m. My primary care provider says the pain in my sides is not John, it’s inflammation. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Ian, Nedim, barista at Peet’s. Barista gives me free drink. Bruce there, too. This time he doesn’t offer me his seat as he did last time he was there (on January 25). Train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett and Portola. #44 to F.H. Sit next to guy who moves to another bench. K home. W.F. Respond to Gwyllm’s earlier email about Thane’s relationships with young boys. I say: “If I had been younger and prettier at the time, I would have jumped at the chance to hook up with Thane. ‘Cause I was desperate for love, any kind of love. But that’s just my story. And not a very pretty one at that.” Interesting to me is that Thane’s reported pedophilia coincided with my father’s suspected pedophilia. But what was most helpful to me was my admission of my own willingness, if not eagerness, to participate with both men. Only then could Thane and I be able to connect as we did  in the last dream of February 2.

February 2 nap dream:  I pass by Zoê Robinson. She says something in her head. I hear it. We talk.

February 2 dream:  Join gay ice hockey team. Am new on team.

February 2 dream:  [Fire alarm goes off at end of dream.]

February 2 dream:  Talking to Thane as young man in a group of young people, including myself. Only he was two people and so was I. At one point I touch his shoulder and tell him he has a beautiful body. We acknowledged that we talked better when both of us were around. At the end of dream there was fear that the balcony and the building and the many books and bookshelves that surrounded us would all fall down. I moved one book from its outermost place to the innermost place in order to help balance things. (*Relates to partnership dream of January 29? So maybe John is not the partner I have been seeking, but Thane, my inner teacher, is.)

February 1, 2023:  Anonymous call at about 9 a.m. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) Had trouble sleeping in a.m. so take nap in p.m. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Ian and Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett and Portola to #48 to W.P. Insight: realize my “pain in the side” is John. Pass pizza place on W.P. Avenue. See attractive guy in the window. So I go in and order slice of pizza. The guy is not so much handsome as he is kind. I ask him, “Is the pizza good here?” He says, “I don’t know.” He’s wearing a T-shirt that I think says “Volatile Nudity.” So I ask him if that’s what his T-shirt says. Looking again, I see it says “Volatile Toxicity.” So I kind of twirl around in embarrassment. He smiles at me as he leaves store. K home.

February 1 dream:  Getting the apartment ready for Sarah to come over. She’s late.

January 31, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then C.P. Library. Walk thru G.C.P. See hawk on Amber Drive. Then M.S. Check out with Ian. Then #48 to W.P. Worry I’m carrying too much weight for my stitches. Then K home. Old man in wheelchair intentionally runs into passengers. Then at my stop, he yells for help getting off the train. I try but am unable. Big Asian woman adds some foot action to get him over the hump. Fire alarm in p.m. There’s really a fire this time. Somebody on my floor left food in their oven for too long. On the plus side, meet cute neighbor as we both look down hallway at the firemen.

January 31 dream:  Am in some kind of French environment. Waiting for something to happen.

January 31 dream:  I go in and change classroom around. Then I see somebody else change it back. I go to group building. I say, “Wow. This place is really big. I don’t think I’ve ever been here before except at a party.”

January 30, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Brandon, Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Get call from John Atwater. He tells me,  “Something wonderful is going to happen to you,” or maybe he was just quoting a poem by Hafez. Train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett and Portola to #48 to W.P. K home. Cute guy gives me hard look as I board. I stand near him for the whole trip. As he prepares to exit, he becomes, through his body language, really friendly and open. I get off at same stop as him and follow him from a distance ’til he goes into his apartment. Go to W.F. Talk with worker from January 4 who I first met on July 24, 2021. His name is Javier. Check out with Jian who is amazingly friendly as usual. See “mutatis mutandis” in the dictionary by accident. It means “with the necessary changes having been made.”

January 30 dream:  Big movie comes out based on long-running Broadway play. New York Times review posted on the wall. Main character used to play God. Actor has a rich history in New York. All the big shots are there.

January 30 dream:  Woman in her car gets propelled into S.F. Bay. Then it’s rescued by all-woman crew. Area is called the devil’s dip.

January 29, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Evan, Nedim, Sergio, barista’s boyfriend at Peet’s. Don’t see Sergio ’til I’m seated. When he sees me, he kind of jumps with excitement. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Evan being certified as barista. I tell him that he’s certified in my mind. Go to W.P. station. John Atwater from Colorado calls. Take train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett and Portola to #44 to F.H. Take K home. Go to W.F. Cute, dimpled young man in aisle 3.

January 29 dream:  Didn’t do what my father said. Now we go to bed and wait for his wrath in the a.m.

January 29 dream:  Full plane flying really low over dry hay. People walking around in the plane make it veer from side to side.

January 29 dream:  Trying to hold up professor’s bookshelf in his home. He beckons me and another guy to the back room and he’s going to show us how to massage his wife’s back. She smiles and says, “Go to a good masseuse.” Big fat cat is sucking on my neck.

January 29 dream:  I’m TV announcer live on air. My female co-host says, “This Friday is Partnership Day.” Then she shows me some rings. I put ring on my finger and say, “Does anybody want a partnership?”

January 28, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Just before I leave home start to feel “shitty.” So take shits. Then take K to W.P. Evan, Kai, baristas at Peet’s. Take train to Castro. Stop by Louie’s barbershop to check it out. Seems ok. Walk up Corbett to Portola to M.S. Check out with “Haircut Ed.” I show him the business card from Louis’s. He says, “Oh, the Castro.” Connect with guy on #48. Connect with other guy waiting for the K on 14th Avenue. Then connect with guy on K. Go to W.F. Connect with W.F. worker from January 4.

January 28 dream:  The lady who lives at the place we were at had a history. Somebody committed suicide there. As I walk home, cafe is closed but I knock on door and give woman $1.05 tip anyhow.

January 28 dream:  Guy going thru crystal stage just like I did several years ago. I told him, “They didn’t work for me.”

January 27, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Ian, Kai, barista at Peet’s. Nice connection with Ian. Take K to Castro. Walk up Corbett to Market to #44. As I exit #44, kind of psychically penetrate cutish guy who may or may not have wanted to be penetrated. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think. Also “Expect the Unexpected” from hier?) Take K home from Forest Hill. W.F.

January 27 dream:  Statue at metaphysical corner relates to guy being soaked from head to toe. (William Fennie?)

January 27 dream:  V.P. Biden comes up to me and tells me I should be taking my pills for my chest cancer. I am thrilled to meet him.

January 26, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Take K to W.P. Brandon not wearing pearls today, but a choker with a ring on it. Nedim and barista there, too. Bruce not there even though he said he would be. Get call from Calvin while I’m there. He says Tom C., Cheryl and David (Weinman) send me their love. Calvin tells me funny story of when he had his appendix out some 50 years ago, that even though he was sedated, he still put up a fight when they started cutting into him. And he has the scar to prove it. See Manny at nearby newsstand. Start walking home. Start feeling “shitty.” Rush back to S.B. in W.P. Buy latte and take shits. Really nice barista. Take K home. Get “Expect the Unexpected” in p.m.

January 26 dream:  “Darth Vader” in radar(?) house. Uses up all the electricity. (h.o.)

January 26 dream:  Searching for “Thor” online.

January 26 dream:  Older swarthy man comes out of doorway from below and embraces me. He says, “Oh, I don’t think I can live without you.” I think, “Do I really want to have sex with this man?” Later I return to where I had been. And young shirtless black man tells me they’re going to be there ’til the wee hours of the morning. He looks like he wants to rape me.

January 26 dream:  Woman comes up to me at end of event. She says, “You’ve done nothing, but you try to advise the president of S.F. State.” She meant it in a complimentary way, admiring my nerve.

January 25, 2023:  Take first shower since surgery. Yay! Do online work. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Card I sent to Jonathan on January 20 was returned postage due. I forgot to put a stamp on it so I re-mail it. K to W.P. Ian, Nedim, Jasmine, Bruce at Peet’s. Bruce makes a big deal about giving me his seat when he leaves. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue.

January 25 dream:  Story comes to an end. Those thought to have lost today have won in the long run.

January 25 dream:  I prepare food guy brought. It evaporates to almost nothing by the time I get it to his apartment. Apartment owner jokes, “Not bad for 2nd class people.”

January 25 dream:  With group of young friends in nice S.F. home with floor-to-ceiling windows. One young girl had been in a movie. I asked which one. She said, What It’s Like To Be Me. Then she ran outside. I was naked. Someone said, “It looks like a ‘Kai sky’ (or a ‘high sky’). Everything outside looked sort of blurry and artsy like a water coloring.

January 24, 2023:  Get email from step-sister Nancy in a.m. inviting me to “talk about Dad” on February 2 at 2 p.m. I agree. Later I changed my mind and emailed Nancy saying, “I’ve done enough work on him.” (*See 2nd dream of January 11.) Later Calvin calls wishing me well on my recovery from surgery. In ’til 4:30ish. #43 to Monterey Boulevard. Walk to G.P. See Lee at G.P. Market. Too late for C.B. Go to G.P. library. Then #44 to Portola Drive. Go to M.S. Check out in express lane. Then see Ian at another check out lane. Go to S.B. on Portola. Re-meet Angel, who is a friend of Anthony’s, who was very important to me a few years ago. Anthony works in the a.m. mostly, Angel tells me. Give $2 to “Mouse.”

January 24 dream:  This guy and I are both looking for house. I find four properties, though the last one is only a vacant lot.

January 24 dream:  Ex-Marine friend of mine has to re-enlist. I’m thinking of finding a new place.

January 23, 2023:  Leave home at 7:15ish to go to VA surgery appointment. As I enter ASU (Ambulatory Surgery Unit), connect with young man in scrubs who seems to want to speak with me but isn’t sure. We exchange glances. Then he just smiles (behind his mask) and leaves. Operation successful. Even fun after being given sedatives and entering the futuristic operating room. My doctor said he talked to me during the operation but I don’t remember that. Recovery, however, has been very painful so far. And slow. Have to wear brace and can’t shower for two days. They say it may take up to six weeks to fully recover. John F. drives me home. We stop of McD’s and I buy us lunch.

January 23 dream:  Man spying on me in Saratoga house. Then Ashton Kutcher in San Francisco street.

January 23 dream:  See Barry Bram sitting with his colleagues on the floor of their architectural firm thru floor-to-ceiling windows on first floor. Friend comes up to me and says, “I saw you looking in that porn shop.” There was a porn shop next door.

January 22, 2023:  Worry that the aspirin I took a few days ago will jeopardize my surgery tomorrow. In ’til 5:30ish. K to W.P. Evan and Kai at Peet’s. Kai gives me a complimentary drink. Take M to Castro. Then take K home. Nervous about surgery tomorrow.

January 22 dream:  My mother is a taxi driver. She comes into the kitchen. I say, “We never got to know each other very well.” Then I say, “Do you like the cab you’re driving?” She says, “It’s okay.”

January 21, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down to U.S. mailbox. Feel shits coming on. Rush back home. Take shits. Walk to G.P. Talk briefly with Lee at G.P. Market. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Some people looking at coyote. I barely see it. Later see Janet, the Coyote Lady, racing on lower path. Guy on Amber Drive tells me what a beautiful sunset it is. I didn’t think it was that great, but took photos anyway. Go to M.S. At entrance, briefly encounter young man who was unsure if he wanted to go in or not and I kind of freeze in place with him. See “Sir Allen” as I check out. Give $2 to “Mouse” outside S.B. Go to #48 bus stop. Same young man from M.S. is standing there. I think, “I’ll ask him when the #48 is due.” Before I get a chance to ask him, he says, “It’ll be about 5 minutes.” We get to talking and continued talking on #48. He’s a junior at St. Ignatius High School. Wants to study physics or a few other subjects at U. of Oregon or U. of Colorado. His name is Joaquin. He’s very handsome. Very friendly. Get off at W.P. Catch #57 to Stonestown. Then #29 home. Sit across from three young men. One very handsome. At least one of them, I’m pretty sure, is gay. They all get off at my stop. I follow them to local liquor store and handsome guy comes out of the store first. And we briefly connect, I think.

January 21 dream:  Zombie-type guy turns into other people and makes them zombies, too. He poked one kid in the eye and I think that killed him. I try to catch him, I think. (h.o.)

January 21 dream:  Go to sex party at John H’s. There’s a sign outside his house saying, “John H. Sex Party.” Different rooms for different sexual tastes. I walk in. Everyone (male and female) is well-dressed and walking from room to room like an art gallery or a museum. Nobody is having sex. I didn’t see John, though it felt like he was very pleased with himself.

January 21 dream:  Co-worker who trained me tries to do my job. I say, “Let me do my job!”

January 20, 2023:  Two anonymous calls in a.m. Watch “Matthew Bourne’s Swan Lake Final Scene” on YouTube. (*See last dream of January 16.) In ’til 3:45ish. Distant hawk on Ocean gets closer as I ride on K to W.P. Nedim and baristas at Peet’s. Nedim tells me Daniel had been in hier and said he was having a tough time. S to Castro. Walk up Corbett Avenue and Portola Drive to #48 to W.P. Take K home. Guy with hot pink hair smiles at me. Go to W.F. Talk with refrigerated foods lady. Check out with Jian instead of Cole. Buy popcorn for homeless lady at W.F. doorway. ;Mail card to Jonathan Flynn asking him to contact me about his mother.

January 20 dream:  Trying to do the laundry on the back of a truck while others guys are doing something else. (h.o.)

January 20 dream:  Go to local event. Something disappointing happens. I feel like leaving but I don’t. New young guy does. He pops into local apt. building. Then pops out the back. And he is racing with other young man. At the final place they rap to each other.

January 20 dream:  Sitting in big comfortable chair at party. Cenk and his French girlfriend came in. She sits right on me. I try to say something in French. She works at a primary school and tries to teach kids not to fear. Other woman at party, also a teacher, is jealous of her.

January 19, 2023:  Up early for appointments at VA at 10:30 a.m. They just wanted to make sure I was healthy enough for surgery on Monday. After, go to La Promenade Café. Then buy oatmeal cookie from Devil’s Teeth Bakery Company. Guy was a lifeguard at Capitola. We talked about the recent storm. Walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Stop by Asian bakery to see my friend there. Then catch #44. Hot muscular guy with lots of tattoos gets on. I look at him. He smiles at me, I think. Later I move closer to him and he tells me he’s going on vacation to San Diego. I wish him a nice vacation. He looks a little disappointed as I leave. (*Relates to last dream of January 14, I think.) After, meet young blond UC Berkeley student who I’m not really attracted to. #23 to Safeway. #43 home.

January 19 dream:  Sykes.

January 18, 2023:  In ’til 3:15ish. K to W.P. Nedim and barista and Brandon, wearing gold cross on his ear and string of pearls around his neck (like J.P. used to) at Peet’s. M to Castro. Decide not to walk down Castro but up Market. Immediatley get anonymous phone call. I think it’s probably John. As I think this, pretty young woman smiles sweetly at me. Walk up Corbett Avenue to Market to #48 to W.P. Run into Ladi on West Portal Avenue. K home. Go to Pakwan resto. My friend not there. Work online. Put up photos form the last few weeks.

January 18 dream:  Start a job with several friends I knew from working in the Central Warehouse. Only one guy I didn’t know and he gave me a piece of paper letting me know that he’d killed a guy. I offered to sign but they said they already had a signed copy on file. “So why did you give this to me?” I ask. “Just to be nice,” they said. Michael Conner was there, but not the guy born in ’69 who wanted to be my boyfriend.

January 17, 2023:  Painful nite last nite. Finish online work. Take nap. In ’til 4:30ish. K to W.P. Talk with Issa briefly about his nephew Manny, who’s studying software engineering at Skyline College. Nedim, Ian at Peet’s. Take K home. Insight: If I’m anti-hierarchical, then I’m against having a hierarchical God, or a hierarchical city, or a hierarchical family, etc.

January 17 dream:  I’m having dinner with my uncles and aunts.

January 17 dream:  Waiting in line to pee before buying a 6-pack of Coke and joining others for dinner.

January 17 dream:  Go to new place for a week. Think of taking a course or at least seeing a play. They’re doing Julius Caesar or is it Romeo and Juliet?

January 16, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. See guy at Ocean and Lee with slight smile. I hang around the corner for a while. Finally, I ask him, “Do you know if the K train is coming?” He says, “I don’t know.” I still stick around. He wanders around. Finally he meets up with guy. And K train arrives. K to W.P. Ian, Nedim at Peet’s. Talk with Issa after. He wants me to take photos of his new food place next to his newsstand. M to Castro. Girl passers by. She smells great. Walk up 18th Street to Market to M.S. Talk with Sir Allen briefly. Check out with Ian. We’re both happy it stopped raining for a while. #48 to W.P. K home. Brief eye contact with cute though strange guy who gets off at next stop. Go to W.F. Check out with Jeff rather than Cole. Small shits while watching TV in p.m.

January 16 dream:  Steve H. asks me what I was. I say, “I went to bed at 9:15. Then I got up at 10:15 and I saw you and there was this pet pig in the group which had a really good build, like a tiger, without hind legs.

January 16 dream:  Really cute, young, blond, shirtless guy in gay bar starts hanging his arms around me. I return the favor. He’s from San Jose. (*Relates to seeing “Matthew Bourne’s Swan Lake Final Scene” on YouTube, I think.)

January 15, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Ian, Kai, Bruce, Nedim at Peet’s. I show Kai the photo of “Indiana Jones and the Afternoon Nap.” Since it’s still wet outside and I’m still recovering from walking in the rain hier, I decide to take K home. Nice-looking guy sits across the aisle from me and talks on the phone with someone. Doesn’t seem to know where’s he’s going. He almost gets off at my stop but corrects himself. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Then buy croissant and check out again with Jian. I ask him where he spent New Year’s Eve. He says he watched the fireworks from the S.F. waterfront. I ask him if the weather was okay. He said, “Yes, Mother Nature loves me.” Outside meet homeless guy named John who I gave the blanket to on January 7. I give him the croissant I bought to see Jian.

January 15 dream:  My girlfriend and another girl walk out the door. I’m tall, dark and handsome. My girlfriend says to her friend, “Look what a small ass he has.” My dog is in my bed, under the covers, barking at me. Not sure if he’s playing or not.

January 15 dream:  At Prosperos planning meeting for Sunday Meetings. Most everyone wants an introducer who has a lot of experience in the school rather than a newcomer.

January 15 dream:  Sam Seder talks about what it might have been like when he and his older sister left home and it was only his mother and younger sister in the house.

January 15 dream:  Someone gives me $5 to kiss five people and I accepted. Now I’m backing out. I’m outside with my TV and it begins raining.

January 14, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Get caught in rain. Talk briefly with Lee at G.P. Market. Go to C.B. Feel “shitty.” Take shits at G.P. library around 5ish. Walk thru G.C.P. More rain. Go to M.S. As I exit, I do double-take of young guy posing in front of health drink shelves. I’m not really interested in him so I leave. Then start blaming myself for not being interested in him. #48 to W.P. Wait for K. Guy tells me #57 is coming. Then other guy sort of ushers me onto #57. A few stops later, I get off and catch K home. Insight: I think the Universe is telling me that even though people in my life or in my head assume that I should do something, I don’t have to listen to them. Which relates not only to the #57 bus but to the guy posing for me at M.S. Go to W.F. Buy quiche on sale to please my refrigerated food lady. Later can’t figure out how to turn my oven off. Check out with Cole who’s wearing his orange and black Halloween colors.

January 14 dream:  Somersaulting into clear pool.

January 14 dream:  Tom O. stays behind with Coleen and others in the van. I say, “Are you staying?” He says, “Yes.” Me and Jordan and someone else walk hand-in-hand, which I’m not too comfortable with. Then they jump off the structure we’re on. I look down and it looks too far and dangerous to me. Someone comes back and says it’s scary. But he wants me to jump. I think I will just walk around on the ground.

January 13, 2023:  VA calls in a.m. Translation group at 11 a.m. No one shows up. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Kai and two baristas at Peet’s. Kai told me he binge watched all four Indiana Jones movies over the weekend. Muni to Castro. Cute Asian guy on train trying to cover his face. Walk down Castro to Earthbar. It’s closed. Go up 18th Street to M.S. looking for turmeric. None there. Continue to Market Street and Portola M.S., Translating arthritis, inflammation, and pain in my head. Realize much of my anger relates to not being able (or feeling like I wasn’t able) to express my interest in men ’til I was 23. See “Sir Allen” at M.S. briefly. See “Success.” Check out with “Haircut Ed.” Go to CVS. Find turmeric capsules. Supposed to be good for inflammation. #43 home. Obnoxious young hetero couple in back seat. Email Daniel with photo of “Indiana Jones and the Afternoon Nap.”

January 13 nap dream:  See John in the Castro. Then he goes to a massage appointment in the Castro.

January 13 dream:  On board a big luxury cruise ship which never leaves port. Someone says, “The young people are having the time of their lives.” I start to exit. One of the stops is Chartres, pronounced Chart – i – e.

January 13 dream:  Closing down The Prosperos “store” in S.F. May move it to other location in the city. Living in desert town. Guy I like lives there. I have my book with me. At one point I throw it to the ground and say, “I just wonder if it’s crap or not.” Walk home. Lots of strange animals like eels on the ground. Find myself walking up to half open Dutch door and just opening it. Turns out it belongs to teacher at my school. I apologize for just opening the door. He says, “That’s alright. You’re in.” I want to talk to him about my book.

January 12, 2023:  Zoom call at 11 a.m. with Graham from Canada. He got my name from the Current Events Empathy Circle I tried to start a few months ago. Seemed to be a complete waste of time. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Brandon and Sergio at Peet’s. Bruce there also. I asked Brandon about the gold cross earring he had on his left ear. I said, “Does that mean you are Christian?” He said, “No, I just wear it ’cause it looks good.” Listening to YouTube while working on crossword puzzle, run across the kind of wrestling video which makes me hot and bothered. Decide I would leave it on and see if Sergio picks up on my feelings. I don’t speak to him until I leave. He asks me about my Christmas party. I think he’s referring to John F. and I going to Tommy’s Joynt on Christmas Day. I forgot that I had invited him to attend cousin Leigh’s Christmas Eve dinner. He told me that his flight back home from L.A. was cancelled and that he had to take a flight to Vegas and then home. Woman waiting in line behind me. Sergio looked a little disappointed as I left. See “Perfect” afterwards. Muni Metro to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Cafe Mystique. See cute guy on scooter so I turn around and walk back to Castro Station. Walk up Market to #48 to #43 home. S.F. Insight: Conclude that my hip pain comes from me being disjointed from my sexuality.

January 12 dream:  At Prosperos party. Everyone drinking, including me. I kiss Sarah [played by Emma Vigeland from Majority Report]. I have to go ’cause I have to return tomorrow a.m. She asks how much I can contribute. I am writing a check for $50. I think I have a new boyfriend.

January 12 dream:  Watching suicide videos at work. At first on my bathroom computer. Then in my office. Young woman comes in crying and says she wants to watch it later.

January 11, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nedim, Ian and two baristas at Peet’s. Also Bruce. M to Castro. Guy sneezes on me so I go to other end of the train. Well-built black man stands in front of me with skin-tight pants. I follow him out and stand behind him on the escalator. His pants are even tighter in the back. He grabs his butt and looks back a few times. I pass. (*Relates to shits hier at M.S.?) Go by 440 Club. Looks bright inside. Pass Cafe Mystique. Looks empty inside. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. M to Balboa. Then walk home. Watching White Noise at about 11:45 p.m., a film about communicating with the dead, My little Christmas tree lights flicker on and off twice. Wonder if it is a signal from somebody who has just died.

January 11 dream:  Trying to make it up one lane, partially paved highway as passenger in semi-truck. (h.o.)

January 11 dream:  Going from place to place with this group of others. My parents finally arrive 45 minutes late. My father, step-mother and step-sister are all smiles. I say,”You’e late. I’d given up on you.” Then, “But thanks for coming.” (*Relates to email from step-sister Nancy telling me she will respond to my email of January 3, I think.  My father, step-mother and step-sister being all smiles was just how my step-mother responded to me at our reunion meeting in the ’80s.)

January 11 dream:  Doing filing at work. Like my boss and co-workers. Don’t like filing. I come across a piece of food. Someone says, “You can eat it if you like.” I don’t.

January 10, 2023:  in ’til 3:15ish. K to W.P. Nedim and Brandon at Peet’s. S to Castro. Woman standing too near me when there were plenty of seats available. I stood up to her on my way out. Pass 440 Club. Looks bright inside. Check out Cafe Mystique. Looks empty inside. Run into tough guy standing in the middle of the sidewalk. I stand facing him. Walk up 18th Street to Market to M.S. Feel “shittier” and “shittier.” Take shits at M.S. Buy single item. Check out with girl who asks me if I took photos of the thunder and lighting this morning. I said, “No, I was inside at the time, but it’s funny. There was all this thunder and lightning and then the skies suddenly cleared.” Take #43 home. See Pakwan friend all alone. Go to W.F. to see if Jian is there. He’s not. Harrold and Jeff are. Go back to Pakwan and order something to go from my Pakwan friend. Watching The White Lotus in p.m., realize my father may have been flat-out gay. Remember good-looking employee of his named Grady. (*Relates to thunder and lighting from this a.m.?)

January 10 dream:  After a long nite of drinking and partying, my father is holding my hand and singing. (h.o.)

January 10 dream:  My friend who was abused by my father tricked him (my father) into leaving.

January 9, 2023:  Wake up with wart on my leg. Later realize it may be related to unconscious feeling of ugliness from my childhood. In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 19th Street to Market to M.S. Check out with “Haircut Ed” and Ian, who is rather subdued. See “Sir Allen” as I leave. I wave to him but he’s looking at someone else. Cute guy passes by. I check him out for Sir Allen’s benefit. Go to CVS for wart removal. My CVS friend is there but he doesn’t give me the same look he gave me on December 25. #43 home. Black guy give me curious look so, in a nearly empty bus, I sit directly next to him in. We get off at same stop. I follow him to #8 stop. Feel really good afterwards. Go to W.F. Talk briefly with not particularly handsome guy from January 4. Check out with Jian. Meet Christian photographer/documentarian in line. His name is Lucky. He says he’s trying to document the great things God is doing. Try to remember December 28 exchange with Jian when I asked him if he was going to celebrate New Year’s Eve. He said, “Do you have any suggestions?” I said, “You could go out and get drunk.” He said, “Can you recommend some place where 20-year-old’s might go?”

January 9 dream:  Teacher told us about big battle against the Jews in 1117. Gives me a textbook which was written in the next millennium about it. I have shitty pants on. We’re sitting in a classroom.

January 9 dream:  Woman is moving out of house in the San Fernando Valley. She asks me, “Are you going to buy it?” I say, “How much?” Turns out she’s my sister.

January 9 dream:  Walking out of Whole Foods at Market and Dolores.

January 8, 2023:  Call Jonathan to get update on his mother Sarah. Leave message. In ’til 2:20ish. K to Castro. Feel “shitty.” Get to Ricardo and Ken’s. Take shits on arriving. Dinner party with Ken, Ricardo, Armando and Gonzalo. Armando is very talkative. Gonzalo had a stroke a few years ago so is difficult to understand. But really lovable. Dinner ends around 7:30 p.m. Walk to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Cafe Mystique down to W.G. to buy Sunday paper. They’re all out. Go back to Castro Station. Take M to W.P. Run into Kai, Evan and barista just getting off work at Peet’s. Buy Chron from Manny, the young man who got very excited on seeing me on January 2. Also cute young guy hanging out looking for sex, I guess. (Could have been a tulpa of John. He was ready, willing and available and probably under age. But when I turned around, he was gone.) Take #57 and #29 home. Stop in W.F. Tell bakery guy how everybody loved his raspberry mousse.

January 8 dream:  Trying to discern something by the process of elimination.

January 8 dream:  White wolf and black wolf running together.

January 8 dream:  Eating big vanilla and chocolate mousse with chocolate coating. And feeling okay afterwards. Then taking a bite of somebody’s hamburger with whipped cream on top. He wasn’t happy.

January 8 dream:  On way to look at apartment near where I live. Run by strange guy. Then run into Bill Larsen [who is deceased]. He looks good.

January 7, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Evan, Kai and barista at Peet’s. First time I’ve seen Evan since he didn’t show up for Christmas Eve Midnight Mass at Grace Cathedral like he said he would. He seemed pleased to see me. It’s still rainy and windy out so I take K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Tell him about two homeless people sitting outside W.F. I buy popcorn for the woman as I had done for her at her request a few weeks ago. She was pleased. Later bring down blanket. She refuses. So I give it to guy with two dogs sitting next to her.

January 7 dream:  A Victorian house is torn down. We’re trying to save them.

January 7 dream:  Lots of construction workers in my new office job. Lots of visible dust in the air, but at least it wasn’t smoke. I go looking for my boss. Someone hands me open sandwich with bacon on top. I don’t know what my job is.

January 7 dream:  I hear Kyle Kulinski on radio talking about Bernie Sanders running for president in 2024.

January 6, 2023:  Jonathan calls in a.m. Gives me update on his mother Sarah. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Then walk thru G.C.P. Hear coyotes howling as I exit. Go to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” He’s all bundled up due to cold air coming from refrigerator, he tells me. #43 home. Go to W.F. Then Pakwan. Nice connection with my Pakwan friend. Downstairs tenant moves out. I can feel the paint fumes from below.

January 6 dream:  About to give Prosperos class. Lots of people in the room. I ask how many. I’m told four students. The rest are here for a talk. Go to restroom to take pee.

January 5, 2023:  Anonymous call in a.m. My phone was turned off at the time. In ’til 3:15ish. I call Jonathan who calls me back about his mother Sarah. She will be biopsied today and surgery on her lung tomorrow. K to W.P. Ian, Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Also, beautiful Asian guy who I talk with. He’s a chemistry teacher at Lowell. I say, “Oh, that’s the good one.” He says, :”Yes.” Feel “shittier” and “shittier.” Walk up Ulloa to Laguna Honda Blvd. Catch #43 home. Rush home to take shits. Then go to W.F. Check out with Jeff.

January 5 dream:  Henry Avallone and Calvin Harris about to get married. We go from easy game of volleyball to tougher game involving weight-lifting.

January 4, 2023:  Anonymous call at about 9:14 a.m. In ’til 2:30ish. #29 and #38 to VA. Two cute young guys on #29. PT appointment with Carol. Good meeting. Very rainy as I leave VA. Take #38 to #24 to Castro. Feel very “shitty.” Stop in 440 Club very briefly. Then take S to W.P. Peet’s is closing early due to the storm. Ian, Kai and barista there. They give me free drink and tell me that they will be closing in six minutes. Nice connection with Kai, who has been promoted to supervisor. Stop in at S.B. briefly. Then go to 14th Avenue to wait for K. Nice chat with fellow traveler. She decides to walk. I catch M bus to Balboa. Then #8 home. Go to W.F. Nice refrigerated food lady. At soup station, policeman asks me how my day is going. Also, nice worker there, not particularly handsome, but really attractive. As I’m talking with him, beautiful girl comes up and sort of pushes me out of the way. When I get home, realize I left my glasses behind someplace. I feel bad about losing my reading glasses even though I usually read better without them. Later realize I feel bad ’cause I disappointed the VA (my parents), not ’cause I lost my glasses. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: A collapsed lung may indicated a collapsed spirit. Conclusion: We have only to invoke our own constant state of enthusiastic equilibrium. Afterwards, see “1111,” which means to me that everything’s okay. It was the first time I saw that sign in relationship to somebody other than me.

January 4 dream:  Many of the tiles have been cleaned but not sure which ones.

January 4 dream:  Accidentally put my clothes in toilet instead of the washing machine, and flush them. I retrieve most of them.

January 3, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nedim, Ian and barista at Peet’s. Feel “shitty.” Decide to take K home instead of to the Castro. Sit across from fashionable Asian guy who gets off one stop before mine. I get off with him. Then go to McD’s and get a chicken sandwich since I’m now a chickatarian. Beautiful Asian teen in line. Go to W.P. Run into Peter as he’s exiting and I’m entering. We catch up. He started a new job today. Check out with guy who didn’t want to talk much. Insight: Watch video of older male guest talking about cute host’s bottom. I get defensive. He was crossing the line like my father did with me. But I let him (my father) ’cause I thought I had to. Later send step-sister Nancy an email saying that I’m still working on my relationship with my father and that the last time I saw him was at the reunion at her house back in the ’80s. I asked if there was anything she could tell me about his final years that might be of value to me.

January 3 dream:  John and I move into same building on same floor. My step-sisters are below us. (h.o.)

January 3 dream:  Go into store. Gay guy talks my head off. Some Christian Science books. Lady painting eyes. I have on black leather jacket when I leave.

January 3 dream:  Going to community college where they pass pamphlets with “I am Woman Hear Me Roar,” something about being black and something about being gay.

January 2, 2023:  Jonathan Flynn calls telling me that his mother Sarah has been in the hospital for a few days with a collapsed lung. I Translate. In ’til 3:15ish. Take K to W.P. Rainy day. Nedim, Ian and barista at Peet’s. Catch up on my reading. Go to W.P. library. Pass newsstand. Young man inside gets very excited seeing me. I walk backwards and come into the store, briefly talking with the owner as the young man rushes back to work. Take K to Castro. It looks rainy and dead. Take K home. Translate in my head on way home.

January 2 dream:  Back at stables where I had been before. I didn’t really know what my job was. Perhaps I was to write about it.

January 2 dream:  Pass by bar/resto where I know John works.

January 1, 2023:  In ’til 2:15ish. Take #49 to Tommy’s Joynt. Meet up with John F. Fabian never shows up. Sexy guy at bar with his girlfriend. We connect. Walk down Van Ness and up Market to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Cafe Mystique. Peek in window and see Namantha waiting on table. Walk up 19th Street. Guy walking three dogs says loudly, “Yes!” Go to M.S. Check out with Sir Allen. Find out he’s studying television communication at City College. Ian also checking people out but we don’t connect. Go to CVS trying to buy shaving cream. See my cute Asian “boyfriend” but by the time I get back to the counter he wasn’t there. #43 home. Sit across aisle from sexy guy sitting cross-legged. We connect briefly at one point. I go one extra stop to get off at same place as him. Insight: I’ve always thought that I had to wait for John to complete our relationship, whether ending it completely or beginning it. That didn’t seem right to me, waiting for somebody else to ensure my spiritual progress. Today I realized that I also had that same relationship with my father. While, as a young adult, I tried to avoid my father or get away from him as quickly as possible, I think that, as a child, I was still waiting for him to heal me. For him to love me. For him to return the love I had for him. I think this is what the “Yes!” from 19th Street was referring to. With this insight, I now realize that I no longer have to wait for John to complete me, though I’m still waiting for my father to make me whole. Or maybe my father and I can just get a divorce due to irreconcilable differences or emotional bigamy for marrying my step-mother when he was still emotionally married to me. . And if we do get a divorce, I want half his money.

January 1 dream:  Sneak into cousin’s house, trying to avoid my parents. Find a place to sleep on the floor.

January 1 dream:  Trying to get gadget heading for conference. I was going to speak but there wasn’t room.

January 1 dream:  Tell guy I’m part of “Me Too.”

December 31, 2022:  Got text from Fabian saying, “What are you doing now?” At first I tell him I have online work to do. Then my computer breaks down. So I tell him my day has just opened up. Leads me to fantasizing about him coming over. Makes me hot all over. Although at other times during the day, I wish he’d just go back to Columbia. In ’til 1:30ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. I was going to walk to G.C.P. Then #35 bus to Castro comes around the corner. So I take that as a sign that I should go to the Castro. Texted Fabian that I would be in the Castro if he was nearby. He texted me back that he wasn’t nearby. I walked from 19th Street to 17th Street. Passing Cafe Mystique, one of the waiters smiled at me. Pass 440 Club. The Castro feels kind of dead. Follow trio from #35 into Castro Station. Take K home. Stop by W.F. Check out with female cashier. I ask, “Are you planning to celebrate tonight?” She says, “Maybe.” I think she thinks I’m coming on to her,

December 31 dream:  I am trying to break into window on one side of the building so I can exit the other side of the building.

December 31 dream:  Pick up baby from hospital.

December 31 dream:  Go to office where John works.

December 31 dream:  Listening to talk. We’re told to act like dogs. John is one person over from me.

December 30, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Nobody shows up though all three of us submitted Translations. In ’til 12:15 p.m. #29 and #38 to VA. Meet Fabian from Bucaramanga, Columbia, on #29. We talk ’til he gets off at G.G. Park. And we have texted several times since. I invited him to join John F. and me at Tommy’s Joynt on Sunday. Go to VA. Get my toenails done. Then #43 to camera store on Chestnut. Stop by Peet’s there. Barista is AOC lookalike. Walk to Polk Street. It looked a lot better today than it did on Christmas day. Exchange energy with young man in store on lower Polk. Get caught in rain. Take K home. Woman says I left my cane behind. I say, “It’s not mine.” See “relief” again. RHS my father in p.m. due to prank calls earlier. Feel really sad, but at least this time I recognize why I feel so sad. It comes from thinking that my father (the person I love) will not ever and cannot ever see me.

December 30 dream:  Two women fight. When it’s all over, turns out they were two men. And they laugh, but they fight.

December 30 dream:  1 May 1963

December 29, 2022:  Lots of noise from upstairs apt. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Take K to W.P. Stephanie, Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Stephanie reminds me she is studying interior design at SF State. See “relief.” See “Perfect.” Take K to Castro. Walk by 440 Club and Cafe Mystique. It’s raining lightly. Eye young male hooker standing at corner of 19th and Castro and walk on. (*Relates  to “Perfect” from above, I think.) Walk up 19th Street and Market to #44 to F.H. K home. Reading more from Pain, Sex and Time by Gerald Heard. I think “relief” relates to not hearing any more noise from apt. above. Though it would be even better if it referred to my pelvic pain.

December 29 dream:  Give stage prop to band playing on stage.

December 29 dream:  I stopped my sister or some woman from spreading gossip by taking away her desire. We were all sitting on the floor. I was wearing my black leather jacket. The meeting ended and we all got up.

December 29 dream:  Looking at old Seinfeld show featuring Jerry’s mother (actress Liz Sheridan). Car comes up on freeway and almost hits me.

December 29 dream:  Kinder is close. (So is tinder.)

December 28, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nedim, Ian and barista at Peet’s. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. It looks very inviting with all the Christmas lights on. I want to go in but don’t want to encounter John one way or the other. Then pass Cafe Mystique, where my friend works. It also looks very inviting, but I don’t go in. Walk up 19th Street to Market. Insight: I was getting down on myself for not going into the 440 Club. Then I remembered all the other times I felt excited about the bright possibility of being with John or being with my father, or even being with Jun. So I got the answer I’ve been waiting for for 35 years. John’s not going to be my boyfriend. He can’t be, and he was never interested in that.  Just like my father could never be my lover, not really. The promise of what both John and my father and even Jun could have given me was being part of a relationship and therefore of being accepted by somebody, anybody, as normal, which is something that I was convinced I was not. And this was something I was trying desperately to hide. But as Maya Angelou says, “When somebody shows you who they are, believe them.” Which is certainly true in the case of John. (*See diary of November 16.) So if I can’t hide behind pretending to be normal, I guess I’ll just have to accept being abnormal, or what Thane called the Magnificent Normal and what I think I’d rather call being SupraNormal. Not abiding by the norms of society but abiding by the norms of Universal Being. Go to M.S. See Ian but don’t talk with him. Check out with Haircut Ed. #43 home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian. I say, “You have plans for New Year’s Eve?” He says, “No. What do you suggest?” I say, “Well, you could go out and get drunk.” He says, “Any recommendations for places to go for somebody in their 20s?” I say, “I don’t know. But I’m sure you”ll find something if that’s what you wand to do.” I had been fantasizing about asking out my Cafe Mystique friend who’s in his 20s, but that changed my mood pretty quickly.

December 28 dream:  Hard-on dream about being in charge of something ’til my shift was over.

December 28 dream:  In church up front with lady who also had two lesions on her face removed. We embrace.

December 28 dream:  Am staying over with cute guy, watching movie in his bed. It features a naked Tarzan being accosted by two bare-breasted women. Tarzan goes from being flaccid to being hard. Then another naked man in and out of brightly colored shorts dances into the room. Suddenly my friend gets up. I say, “Is it time to get up?” he says, “It’s 1:30.” And he rushes around picking up clothes from the floor.

December 28 dream:  Dream about Cynthia Dusel being on TV. I tell everyone, “I know her! I went to high school with her.”

December 27, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Take K to Peet’s in W.P. See Noah from Fog Lifter Café there. See “Perfect” again. Nedim, Ian and barista also there. Catch up on my reading. Spill my drink. Take that as sign I should leave. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Pass my resto friend outside his resto. Didn’t feel like I wanted to go inside. Walked to end of the block. Then turned around. My resto friend showed me to a table and waited on me. I had a Mediterranean Salad. It was very good. As I left, my friend gave me my bill. I gave him a $5 tip on an $18.34 bill and at the bottom of the bill I wrote: “You’re great!” Then I want to the restroom. When I came back, he was at my table. I asked him if “Namantha” was his name as it indicated on the bill. He said, “Yes.” I thanked him and touched his arm. He is a beautiful man. Walk up 19th Street and Market feeling pretty good about myself. Take #44 to F.H. The K line home.

December 27 dream:  Woman says, “We were a lot happier when George Bush got on the plane.” And, “We stopped at a small farm, which was never reported.”

December 26, 2022:  Sarah calls just as I’m about to leave house. Talk and walk to K train. Then Peet’s at W.P. See “Perfect.” Bruce there. Also Nedim and barista who talks about photography with me. I’m too excited to stick around very long. Take the K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Then try to find my resto friend. He’s not there. It’s about 4:15 p.m. and not many customers there either. Then walk up 19th Street to Market to M.S., thinking along the way. My insight: Realize reason I have such a hard time at Christmas goes back to Christmas 1966 when I had just returned to S.F. from a 33 day voyage across the Pacific from the Philippines, courtesy of the U.S. Navy. And my parents weren’t even home. They had gone to Texas to be with my step-sister. This confirmed my feeling of being unwanted. And so I went AWOL for 13 days, planning to move to Mexico to live out the rest of my life there. That lasted one day, but the point is that I had been willing to continue pretending we were a normal family, but my parents wouldn’t even do that. So I realized then that to depend on my father and step-mother for love or self-esteem was not a very good idea. But I realized today that blaming myself for being unwanted by these two parents is something I still do to this day and that that’s not a good idea either. It was my consciousness at the time and their consciousness at the time which inevitably created the disaster which was our family. (*Relates to 4th dream of December 25, finally opening the window to my very messy room in our Saratoga house.) See “Sir Allen” at M.S. and say hello. Go to S.B. See Christian and his two dogs on the way. Nice to see him again. He’s scheduled to get housing with his wife and new baby daughter in a week or so. Colby, the 3-year-old pit bull barked at me for some reason. Give Christian $20. Then go to S.B. Nice connections with all three baristos there. Older man who kind of looks like Tom Blair says something to be as he exits. Pass CVS. Not sure my cashier friend there or not. Get burrito. #43 to F.H. K home.

December 26 dream:  Tom O. is driving us home from the library where I bumped up against a few construction workers. Tom paused by bamboo fence high above the ocean below in something like a VW van. Someone asks, “Tom, what are you doing?”

December 26 dream:  Man falling in love with new person wants to show original person he still loves him, too.

December 25, 2022:  In ’til 2ish. Take #49 to Tommy’s Joynt. Find out it’s closed. Talk with John F. and later try to reach Joan at W.G. She’s at work but doesn’t answer phone. Decide to eat at Mel’s across the street. It wasn’t bad. Walk up Polk Sweet briefly. Very depressing. Take #49 to Market. Walk up Market to Castro. Pass 440 Club. See my resto friend in the same block. Look at their menu. I tell my friend, “It looks good, but I’ve just eaten.” He says, “That’s okay.” (*See 2nd dream of December 24.) Walk up 19th Street to Market. Buy Sunday Chron at CVS. Very cute young Asian cashier who I’d met before. He was wearing a mask so that only part of him I could see was his eyes, but that was enough. Take #43 to F.H. Then M to W.P. Everything closed in W.P. except Eezy-Freezy store. I have urge for a sugar cookie so I buy the closest thing I can find. Take K home. Eat cookies. Decide to go to friend’s resto tomorrow.

December 25 dream:  Strange things are appearing in our home. My friend and I try to ignore it. Then we turn around and all the furniture is gone.

December 25 dream:  Turn on light in bathroom. Rat scurries away.

December 25 dream:  Go to hipster place. They’re in about 4 inches of muddy water. I talk to one girl who I thought had gone to N.Y. I said I’d definitely be going there next week.

December 25 dream:  Looking out at courtyard of my current apartment on Brighton Avenue. Lots of dogs playing. Also Chines women exercising.

December 24, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Try on my old black pants for tonight. They’re a little tight. Walk to G.P. Talk with Lee about traveling to China. He tells me you have to wear an oxygen mask on the hi-speed rail to Tibet. C.B. closed. Nice guy at G.P. library. Was going to walk thru G.C.P. but #35 to Castro arrives just as I pass the bus stop. So I take this as a sign that I should go to the Castro. Get off on 19th Street. Walk down Castro. Resto owner from place I used to go to years ago says to me, “How’s it going, boss?” As I pass 440 Club, old man outside asleep in chair. Lots of people in line for Castro Theatre. Good to see everybody. Walk up Market to #48 to W.P. See “John’s Way” on Corbett Avenue. No seats available at Starbucks W.P. Take K home. About 10 p.m. take #49 to Grace Cathedral. The place is packed. One woman walked to the front of the church and argued with the speaker, Dean Young, and later, as she was rushed out, called everybody sheep. Eucharist featured gluten-free wafers. Don’t find Evan. But do speak briefly with cute guy with very tight jeans. I ask him where the restrooms are.  He says he doesn’t know. Walk by John’s place on Geary. No lights. No plants. No John. Take L Owl to W.P. and #91 home. Just me and very talkative bus driver. We talked the whole way.

December 24 dream:  Out campaigning with Sarah and Jonathan and one more person. It begins raining. I forgot my umbrella. We all go into building.

December 24 dream:  Get 52 out of 60 points on quiz. Somebody tells me I did great! (*Relates to my conversation with waiter at outdoor resto on Castro on December 25? I say, “The menu looks great but I’ve just eaten.” He says, “That’s okay.”)

December 23, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Just Sarah and me. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Buy Chron from W.P. newsstand. Guy has a menorah lit up. I say, “Are you Jewish?” He says, “5%.” I pause for a moment and then say, “Which 5%?” He laughs. Go to Peet’s. Evan there. I tell him I’m planning to go to Christmas Eve Midnight Mass at Grace Cathedral. And that maybe I’d see him there. He seemed pleased. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Try to take photo of snowman on top of parklet. Big old guy stands in my way. Someone calls out to him, ‘John!” Up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. K home. As I enter W.F. pause to fix my red pants string. Electronic doors open and close on their own accord. In p.m. read about connection between narcissism and gaslighting. I had never thought of my father as a narcissist before. But it explains a lot and gave me a new insight into him. I could even empathize with him ’cause I have my own narcissistic tendencies.

December 23 dream:  Something about trying on something for size. (h.o.)

December 23 dream:  On trip to small village of Burke in Mexico. Two of my friends in the group already live there. Run into Bette Midler. She tells me she lives there, too.

December 23 dream:  Meet teen boy. We hold hands. He introduces me to his father who is drunk.

December 22, 2022:  Online work ’til 1:30 p.m. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Follow runner up and down Ocean Avenue. He leads me to polite, young, handsome skateboarder just before I get on K to W.P. Talk with young man holding record from the ’60s. I say, “It’s nice to see those again.” Barista who I don’t know too well gives me free drink at Peet’s. Nedim there, too. Feel kind of “shitty.” Guy with “Mindful State” T-shirt talking with two police at the front door of W.P. library. I decide to take K home. Run into Mindful guy again. We take same train and get off at same stop. I go to W.F. Since I get home earlier than usual, decide to clean bathtub after months and months. Yay!

December 22 dream:  Buy book with several $100 bills in it.

December 22 dream:  Danny Crespo in a new skin-tight, shark-skinned suit. He looks great in it. See somebody in high school who I thought was older. He’s embarrassed.

December 21, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nedim and barista there. Later Daniel comes in. We talk for about a half hour. Really great to see him again. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Up 19th Street to Market to M.S. Run into “Sir Allen” outside. He’s bringing in grocery carts from the parking lot. We talk briefly. Check out with Ian. He tells me he’s going to take electrician’s test to work as an apprentice electrician. #43 home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Sometimes those who care for others, whether parents or physicians, care more about authority over others than care for others. Conclusion: Truth’s love for Itself oozes out from every pore of Its existence.

December 21 dream:  Was at tire place. Derek said he got 100 new tires. Woman I liked started photocopying.

December 21 dream:  My new co-worker brings many bags of his own laundry to the laundromat. Also two bottles – O.J. and water?

December 20, 2022:  6.4 earthquake in Humboldt County about 2:30 a.m. I didn’t feel it. (*Relates to John reading my diary from December 18?) In ’til 12:30. Go to VA for ear cleaning. As I leave VA, cute young bleached blond guy. Go to La Promenade Café. Meet cute, friendly guy who tells me he works for Flixbus which recently bought out Greyhound. Walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Have nice connection with my Asian bakery friend. He wishes me a good holiday. Translate in my head about having, owning. Conclusion: Truth is Self-possessed. Stop by Beanery Café and talk with Fred Cline who’s 93 now. I kissed him good-bye on his cheek. Hot guy on #43 home. He gets off at Valdez. I impact with him as he exits bus. Go to W.F. hoping to see Cole. He’s not there. Insight: Taking on the role of my mother includes her beauty, her prissiness, and the probability that she was raped in foster care as a child.

December 20 dream:  I was drinking some clear liquid that made me honest. But afterwards, everybody was leaving.

December 19, 2022:  Sarah calls in a.m. Really nice talk. In ’til 3:30ish. Stop by Ingleside library. Woman librarian who I found very rude in the past was there, but I could hardly recognize her. She was not offensive to me at all. K to W.P. Nedim and Evan at Peet’s. Evan was telling me he’s already taken out a Roth/IRA. Later we talk again and I mention Grace Cathedral. He says he’s going to the Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve there. Later I decide that I’m going there as well. K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. It’s about 40 degrees outside. Nice looking guy wearing only a T-shirt on. I say, “Did you forget your coat?” He smiles and says something that I don’t quite hear. Walk up 19th Street to Market. #44 to F.H. K home. Insight: Realize that, after my mother’s death, I took on her role ’cause that’s what I thought my father wanted. So when I found out that he was going to remarry, I felt enormously relieved. But I don’t think I ever really relinquished that role. Stop at W.F. Check out with Cole. We are talking about the documentary “The Social Dilemma.” I told him that I met a young man recently. He interrupts, “Really?” I thought, “That’s not the story,” but I didn’t say anything. I continued, “He told me that he worked for Google and I asked him if he had seen the documentary. He said he’d never heard of it.” Still confused as to why he responded the way he did. Was he being rude? Funny? Flirtatious?

December 19 dream:  Dog finds gopher in gopher hole. Then tries to intimidate me. I stand my ground. Then the dog turns into a spoiled little girl.

December 18, 2022:  Lots of World Cup noise in a.m. Work online. Then take nap. See Joan at W.G. on Ocean. Take K to W.P. Evan, Sergio and barista at Peet’s. Evan buys me free drink. Talk with Sergio. Ask him if he has plans for Xmas Eve. He says he’s going to visit his family in L.A. He says, “How about you?” I say, “My cousin is giving a big dinner party on Xmas Eve. I was going to invite you to join me.” We talk for quite a while. (*Relates to hearing coyotes from hier?) K to Castro. Take photo of 440 Club lights from just outside. See my waiter friend outside resto further down Castro. Walk up 19th Street to Market to M.S. Pass beautiful long-haired man in frozen food section. Talk with Ian as I check out. Then go back and try to find long-haired man. He’s still in the frozen food section. He looks up at me and smiles beautifully. Score! Pass burrito place. See young man go to car. Later middle-aged man gets out of car and orders two “baby burritos.” #43 to F.H. K home.

December 18 dream:  All the food and people for conference arrive at end. Since all the desserts pile on top of each other, a new pie was begun immediately.

December 17, 2022:  3.6 earthquake at 3:40 a.m. (*Relates to John reading my diary from December 15?) Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Talk with Lee about World Cup finals tomorrow. He says he thinks France will win. Go to C.B. As I leave, start talking with young man who is reading a book about or by Michael Harrington. He tells me Mr. Harrington founded the DSA. Young man thinks DSA are sell-outs to the Democratic Party. I tell him that I think the only way to change is within the Democratic Party rather than through a third party. His girlfriend joins us but doesn’t say anything. Walk thru G.C.P. Think about my so-called arthritic hips. I say to myself, “Well, I am Mind and somewhere, somehow Mind knows what I need to do.” Later come to the conclusion that my pelvic pain comes from my father still trying to control me, as became evident to me last night with the intense constriction in my head and chest from the mere thought of being with somebody else. My father died in 1996. My pelvic pains began in 1997 or so. Reminds me of time I first flew into Paris in 2004 and I asked myself, “Are we really going to be allowed to do this?” Came back from that trip with in situ melanoma on my left ear. My father was still in control. I returned to Paris three more times (2005, 2010 and 2015) in an effort to shake him. And, apparently, I still need to do more. As I walk thru G.C.P. hear (but do not see) coyotes. Go to M.S. Then #43 home. Connect briefly with three separate young men on board.

December 17 dream:  Place where they call out all the different possible diseases.

December 16, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 10 a.m. Just Heather and me. Sarah at doctor’s appointment. In ’til 11:30. #29 and #38 to VA for derm appointment. Jock from St. Ignatius High comes onboard #29 with two of his friends. He sits across the aisle me. I glance over a few times. We all get off at same stop. I make a point of turning around and looking at him again. He smiles. He looks like a male version of Cathy Warfield, my first ever kiss. After VA, go thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Stop by my Asian friend’s bakery to get two custard tarts. #43 home. It breaks down on Miraloma Street. We all get on second #43. Just before we get home, three guys from Reardon High get on. I connect with one of them. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. He tells me his “evil eye” protects him from rowdy customers.

December 16 dream: Walking along river, tiger and dog start fighting. They are still down there. “The tiger’s in the paddock,” according to one crew member of the boat we are on. My friend/brother goes towards them. I run after him trying to warn him.

December 16 dream:  Four of us in back of truck. Woman speaks French. So does guy. I find out we’re all students. I’m the funny one, but not sure I mean to be. Guy says he’s starting over from the beginning in French.

December 16 dream:  I have a good-looking, hot, gum-chewing guardian angel. We embrace. He says, “Do you want to have sex?” I say, “Yes.” He says, “Okay, but I’m not gay.”

December 15, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Pick up glasses. Nedim and Ian at Peet’s. Ian’s band is “I’m Not” available online at bandcamp. After, go to W.P. library. Feel “shitty.” See librarian I talked to on December 1. So I asked him, “What can we learn from birds?” He says, “They have all kinds of interesting songs. So they can teach us how to listen.” Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 19th Street and Market to M.S. See handsome stranger at M.S. I get in line behind him. Leave my basket to rush to pick up something I had forgotten, frozen blueberry blintzes. He smiles at cashier. That was enough for me. See Ian on way out. Then young man looking at cookie section. I say, “Anything good?” He says, “”i’ll find something.” #43 home. As I almost fall, woman in back seat reaches out to help me. Walk thru W.F. to go home thru front door. Insight: Realize I do want to go to cousin Leigh’s Christmas Eve party, but I just don’t want to go alone. Earlier had tremendous feeling of constriction in my chest and head. It seems just the thought of me being with someone I like (and someone other than my father) at a more or less family event was enough to enrage the father within me. Once I realized where the constriction came from, I doubled down on my decision to be with someone else. Someone other than my father.

December 15 dream:  Finding the source for ….

December 15 dream:  People walking in who have murdered.

December 15 dream:  About to give a talk without much preparation. Guy comes into my room/office looking for thermal wear. He’s kind of rude.

December 14, 2022:  In ’til 1:30ish. Take #29 and #38 to VA. On #29 I sense beautiful man with my peripheral vision. I turn around and look at him before he exits with his girlfriend one stop down the line. Go to eye clinic at VA. Really nice doctors. Walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Check out my Asian bakery friend. Get “Perfection” after. #43 home. Look in at Pakwan resto. My friend not there, but other really gorgeous guy is. Stop by W.F. Check out in line behind Asian guy with really nice ass. He doesn’t appreciate my attention. I can’t help it if he has a great ass. Check out with Diana. In my head Translate “My body can be fractured, grow old and die and become hardened and arthritic. Conclusion: Mind is whole, supple and eternal OR Truth submits to Itself.

December 14 dream:  Walt Whitman getting ready to die. “You are the Us approved,” he wrote.

December 14 dream:  Move to new apartment on top of hill in S.F.

December 13, 2022:  In ’til 1ish. Take #29 and #38 to VA. Cute Asian guy as I wait for #29. He crosses the street. Then crosses another one. And a third one. I follow him. Then #29 arrives and I run to catch it. In #29 young guy comes on. I get butterflies in my stomach. When person sitting across from him leaves, I take their seat. I take the opportunity to get a better look at this guy. He’s jaw-droppingly beautiful and he’s aware that I’m seeing his beauty. On to the VA. Podiatrist tells me I have arthritic hips. Get X-rays. Go to La Promenade Café ’til they close at 5 p.m. Take #31. As I exit, woman checks me out. I don’t respond ’cause I’m checking out another guy at the time. Then take #43 home. Sit in back seat near cute Asian guy who closes his window as he leaves. I think ’cause he saw me close my window earlier. Stop at Pakwan resto. Have nice exchange with my friend there. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: I have arthritic hips. Conclusion: Truth is one thing, containing all, indivisible and ready-made. Word-tracking: -itis means excessive interest. (*Relates to hard-on dream from hier?)

December 13 dream:  Go to party. I stand up and wave to my friends in the opposite corner. For some reason, they are required to stay in their corner until told otherwise. Later we try to figure out way for me to photograph them.

December 13 dream:  Starting new job. My female boss already hates me. Paper due in hours.

December 12, 2022:  Feel sad about Jacob Needleman death. I met him once at the old Fields Book Store on Polk Street. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Jasmine, Nedim at Peet’s. Get very excited about book I’m reading:  Pain, Sex and Time by Gerald Heard. K to Castro. Feel bouncy happy as I pass 440 Club. Walk up 19th Street to Market to M.S. See “Sir Allen” briefly. Check out with Ian. #43 home. Insight: Realize my pain is really here to teach me something. So I’m willing and anxious to find out what.

December 12 dream:  Hard-on dream.

December 12 dream:  Man pays off all woman’s debts and throws himself and her into a river. Woman waves a picture of herself naked to entice him back.

December 12 dream:  Move to some county in Ireland.

December 11, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. See Vincent Leung at Peet’s. Last time I saw him was in December ’21. We talked a bit. He said he’d be here about a week. He’s on Xmas vacation from his Harvard Ph.D. program in Italian and French literature. Also have nice chat with Ian. He tells me about band he’s involved with. I find them online. Take K to Castro. Go into 440 Club. Take photo of the lights inside. Walk out. Bump into guy. He says, “”Scuse me, love.” Walk up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. I see eyeball pinned to his chest. He says it’s the “evil eye.”

December 11 dream:  Fight with lawyer. Then president of company. They’re giving my brother a chance to do something at 9:30.

December 11 dream:  Staying overnite for two nites at home where guests are nicer than the hosts. We’re supposed to be watching some documents, but everyone wants to watch This Old Home and other BBC shows.

December 11 dream:  S.F. becoming part of Alameda County.

December 10, 2022:  In ’til 2:30ish. Haircut with Jun at 3 p.m. We joke about hot girls I met hier on Muni. As I leave, I feel giddy but also bad. Try to figure out what’s going on. Realize it may relate to my relationship with my father. That I’m willing to give up my identity in order to be included in play. In the case of Jun, I was willing to pretend that I was really interested in these two girls. In the case of my father, whenever we were getting along it was because I was being harmless, cute, or the butt of the joke. Later I think, “Maybe I should stop going to Jun for my haircuts.” Then I hear myself say, “I can’t do that.” That’s when I decided that’s what I would do. Walk to G.P. Buy paper from Lee who tells me about his leg injury playing soccer. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Take #44 to F.H. Then K home. Go to W.F. I tell bakery friend, “Thanks for the blueberries.” He kind of ignores me. Check out with Harrold. Pause briefly as I exit W.F. Hot woman thinks I am pausing for her.

December 10 dream:  HQ said they sent a 500 word response to the situation. I’m looking for it now.

December 10 dream:  I write book in which I say, “Everything is a Russian Winter.”

December 10 dream:  I’m looking for a business. Finally find somebody who could help me, but he wants to take me to a lecture first. He says, “Let’s sit up front and I’ll grab your mid-section.”

December 9, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Just Sarah and me. Heather was giving an online Translation class. Sarah sounds very sick. Lots of coughing. She said her doctor was giving her steroids. In ’til 3ish. Talk with Joan at W.G. Take K to W.P. Valentine at Peet’s. Evan lookalike comes in. But it’s not him. Take K to Castro. See Michael Petrelis, wearing a coat of many colors, eating at window table at Cove resto. Go in and talk with him briefly. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Market to M.S. Check out with Sir Allen. He’s polite but not really friendly. Look in Creighton’s next door and get the attention of nice-looking young Asian man exiting. Then Prime truck driver smiles at me as I cross Laguna Honda Boulevard. Take #43 to Forest Hill. See Jonathan Flynn lookalike. It wasn’t him. Take K home. See “Optometrist” sign in Lakeside neighborhood. Maybe this is a helpful hint? Two scantily-clad girls get on as I’m about to leave. I smile with one of them. Stop at W.F. Cole there. Also two other cashiers I love. Bakery guy commiserated with me that they’re out of blueberry scones. Insight: Maybe what I’m afraid of is not my father, but my own anger. So I didn’t just dissociate once or twice. I have spent most of my young life (and beyond) in a dissociated state. Later I get mad and sad at God.

December 9 dream:  Talk to seductive wife of very rich man. She’s leaning up against the wall taking a long time to respond. I think I’m asking her where the next dinner is going to be. Someone else says, “September 8, in three weeks.” I ask if I can bring anything. The other woman says, “You’re just asking ’cause you’re organizing the dinner.” I say, “Well, yeah.” This all takes place in a big house with 360 degree views of green hills with “Frisco” among other word structures on them.

December 9 dream:  Someone stabbed Jordan Chariton’s girlfriend at picnic-type event on Market Street.

December 9 dream:  Eat ice cream bar from boy who had already slobbered on it.

December 9 dream:  Walk on new (to me) path in Bernal Heights. It was a dry river bed. Fat skunk and coyote not too afraid of me. Arrive at water’s edge. Guy walking in the water had wet pants.

December 8, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Take K to W.P. Cute young man on K. I stay on an extra stop to see where he’d go. He gets off at W.P. Station. I go to Ezzy-Freezy. Take photo of Will Ferrell as elf cut-out. Cashier smiles at me. Go to Peet’s. Ian (a different Ian than my M.S. friend) is very friendly. Nedim not so much. Feel sort of “shitty.” Decide to take K home. Significant eye contact with attractive guy in camo pants and legs spread apart. I stand near him. Then sit across from him. I wanted to speak with him but I don’t think he wanted to speak with me. After he gets off train, loud woman comes on board and asks me about my “Abolish the Electoral College” T-shirt and my new VA shoes. Go to W.F. Check out with Du. I ask him, “Are you ready for Christmas?” He says, “Yes.” I say, “Have you been naughty or nice?” He says, “Nice. Very nice.”

December 8 dream:  Stay with my brother Tom. We’re both trying to take a shit at the same time in a 2-seat bathroom.

December 7, 2022:  In ’til 2:30ish. See Tom Blair at Muni stop. He tells me he’s never met a black athlete or a black minister who he can trust. Take #29 to Stonestown. Annoying young hetero couple on board. Go to Target. No flip-flops there. Go to Stonestown mall. Gang of kids running out of front entrance followed by security police. Go to Sports Basement. Voila! Flip-flops for $14. Give double-take to beautiful black or biracial sales person. She kind of curtsies as I leave. Then M to downtown Target to buy bath towel. Run into Scott Wiener on train. I tell him, “I like your freeway idea.” He wants to tear down what remains of the Central Freeway. I tell him, “We should tear down as many freeways as we can.” Walk back up Market to Castro. IKEA store still unopened. Lots of police cars midway to Castro. Go to Peet’s on upper Market Street. Self-observation: I become aware of a feeling that I should be behaving in a more acceptable way. Reminds me of my childhood. Take K home. Stop at W.F. Check out with Jeff.

December 7 dream:  Sign on resto wall: “Counting should continue tomorrow” (referring to some foreign country).

December 7 dream:  Coming home to Apt. 832. Things look different. There were lots of people outside. Some looking pretty rough. They said they were looking for Jacob ’cause he inherited a lot of money. I said, “Well, you should go to Berkeley. That’s where he goes to school.”

December 7 dream:  Does someone want to help me point out the biggest loser in the room? He asks the others who say no. Then I hold up 8 fingers, referring to Henry VIII. Guy points to the organizer/originator of the event. I thought it would be somebody else.

December 6, 2022:  In ’til noonish. Take #29. Cute Latino guy across from me is talking about the World Cup. I ask him if the U.S. is still in play. He says, “No, they got beat by The Netherlands.” Then #38 to VA. Pick up new shoes. Walk to La Promenade Cafe on Balboa Street. Then walk down 36th Avenue. See “Yes” in the cement, twice. Walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Look up my Asian bakery friend. As I get up to the counter, he is called away, so I leave. Check out Pacific Rim Optometrists on Irving Street. What a dump! Then look for flip-flops at On The Run Shoes. Only $75 for flip-flops! Steve Hines calls with an update on Alex Gambeau. Both Ales and Steve are okay. #43 home. As we exit bus, I run into Peter who updates me on the UC strike. Also, he begins a new job in South City in January.

December 6 dream:  Toddler on train, “Mommy! Fire alarm!”

December 6 dream:  Sitting on top of wobbly crates. My friend says he’s going to keep tabs on all the reporters. I think he does astrology charts.

December 6 dream:  Walking up slight hill I’ve walked many times. About half way from home. I think I just got married.

December 6 dream:  I have on light shirt. Want to put on light pants as well. Woman in front seat of car says, “I like the pants that show…” I say, “that show up for work?”

December 5, 2022:  Steve Hines calls in a.m. Go to Ingleside library. Librarian asks me, “Did the DVD come with one disk or two.” I say, “One.” He says, “Okay.” In ’til 2:15 or so. Walk to G.P. Go to massage with Tate in G.P. This massage wasn’t as good as the last one I got from him, but good to see him again. Later, realize I left my face mask there. Walk around the block following cute young guy. Go to G.P. library. Then C.B. Then walk to Safeway. Check out with Gabe. Have nice talk with him. He’ a poli sci student at SFSU. May go into law like both his parents. #43 home. Write BB post “My own Mauna Loa eruption” about my experience with the SFPL and realizing my anger may have really been towards my father.

December 5 dream:  Online trying to split the cost equally of a money purse for the crown(?)

December 5 dream:  At college with my friends.

December 5 dream:  Looking for apartment in N.Y. Two big trnas women come out of one building. Landlord offers me something to eat. Seems upset when I refuse.

December 5 dream:  Laurie and I clean up the kitchen and dining room area. Then notice pancakes stuck on the stove. “That’s disgusting,” says Ted Cruz. As eh puts one in his back pocket.

December 4, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. See Joan at W.G. on Ocean. Re-invite her to Xmas dinner at Tommy’s Joint. K to W.P. Feeling good. People are nice to me. Go to Peet’s. See new guy in corner. Turns out it’s Sergio. He has returned from the Chestnut Street Peet’s. We talk briefly, mostly about Daniel. Evan also there. We talk briefly as well. Jasmine smiles ta me on my way out. Bruce at table by himself. He doesn’t talk with me. It’s raining as I leave. So take K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. He tells me it’s his one year anniversary. In p.m., get angry ’cause San Francisco library says I didn’t return DVD of Stranger Things, which I did.  It was supposed to be a 2-disk set but when I opened it there was only one disk inside and only one place to put a disk. So I got furious for being falsely accused and without apparent recourse. Later realize my anger may relate to being falsely accused of other things in my life, mostly in my childhood. And it was easier to get mad at the public library rather than at my father.

December 4 dream:  Trying to get out of fenced-in area. Then I’m outside walking with a Swedish couple. The girl thinks I’m attracted to her.

December 3, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See Lee at liquor store. Check out optometrist there. She kind of leaves me to cool my heels. Go to C.B. Wait in long line for very cute, sweet son of owners, who is working all alone. As I leave, I ask for the restroom key. He says, “It’s for customers only.” I say, “I am a customer.” He’s very beautiful and has a lovely smile so I’m not offended. Go to library. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. I mistake Josh (who I’d never met) for Ian, who’s not around. See Allen briefly as he’s walking the other way. I sense presence behind me as I check out. #48 to W.P. Take M to Balboa. Street person gets on and starts talking to me so I talk back, though I don’t know what he’s talking about. #8 home. Insight: Realize maybe reason I have pelvic pain is to learn how to control it. And that I am in control of it. Or at least could be. It’s my body after all. And I can’t give my body away unless I first own it.

December 3 dream:  I am chairing a meeting. Woman says she has a lot of bio appointments and wants to end the meeting. I’m ready to end meeting. Other woman gets up on table and starts talking.

December 2, 2022:  Tough nite last nite. Anonymous call in early a.m. Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Heather and Sarah and I. In ’til 2:15 or so. K to optometrist in W.P. Go to alternative place to check them out before. Think I may switch providers. Afterwards, I feel bad. Run into my Hemingway friend on W.P. Avenue. Then cute girl smiles at me. Then another. Go to Peet’s. It’s full. Go to W.P. library. My friend from hier isn’t there. Take K to Castro. Talk with guy waiting for #35. He was reading a book by Mike Davis, author of City of Quartz, a review of which I had posted on OccupySF.net just the other day. So that felt synchronistic. Eventually he gave up on waiting for the #35 and took #24 instead. I walk back to Castro Station and take Muni to W.P. Go to Peet’s again. Feeling in pain. Take K home. Go to W.F. Talk with my refrigerated food and my baker friends there. Then talk with Cole briefly.

December 2 dream:  Guy protecting his family needs to go up four emails from hier.

December 1, 2022:  Bills and monthly BB. Get anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Bruce and Nedim at Peet’s. Listen to Obama’s speech for Senator Warnock. Bruce tells me he just got over Covid. He said there’s basically a 20% chance every one in S.F. has either Covid, RSV, or some other flu-like disease. Thanks for the suggestions, Bruce. Go to W.P. library. Have nice talk with young librarian reading a book on birds. I mention that they evolved from dinosaurs. He says they can teach us a lot. Next time I see him I’ll be sure to ask him to elaborate. Hope I get the chance. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Then walk up Market to CVS on Portola Drive. Cute manager at CVS covered his cute mouth as he was talking. Take #43 to Forest Hill. Take K home. Pick up new flip-flops at Johnnie’s shoe repair on Ocean. W.F. Get help from nice long-haired young man. Then check out with Du who’s all wrapped up in puffy coat.

December 1 dream:  Helping someone prepare sweet cookies. They keep disappearing.

December 1 dream:  Creamed corn.

December 1 dream:  Chihuahua.

December 1 dream:  Admit to myself that I have a Messiah complex whereby I take on the sins of my family and perhaps of the world. Am in nice garden-like area of someone’s house. See bald, tough-looking man burying a trumpet.

November 30, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nedim and one other barista at Peet’s. Nedim told me Daniel had been in earlier. Very alluring woman sits across from me as I’m leaving. She’s doing all sorts of seductive movements. I look at her and think, “You’re not so hot. You’ve got fat legs.” But I had a catch in my throat as I was thinking this. K to Castro. Walk by 440 Castro. Up 18th Street to Market to M.S. Check out with Ian. He tells me about what he likes at Pharaoh’s, the Egyptian resto on Geary across the street from where I used to live. #48 and K home. See same guy from hier on the K just as I’m about to enter my apartment. Break my flip-flop in p.m. Then clean out shoe closet and throw out all the old moldy shoes I had kept there for some reason. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: “I came from God, so I must be exceptional.” Conclusion: “I, being, am universal, original, inseparable and unexceptional perception.”

November 30 dream:  Wealthy young friends try on nice, fashionable clothes. They ask em what I think. I say, “I like some of it.”

November 29, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nedim plus one other barista at Peet’s. Take K to Castro. Started Translating “Something doesn’t sit well,” which led me to RHS of my father. Pass 440 Club. Up 19th Street to Market. Continue to RHS my father. Finally include myself. Realize it takes two to tango. That it really doesn’t even matter if my father sexually abused me ’cause he definitely unmanned me. Or at least I allowed myself to be unmanned. Really felt the grief of that recollection. I guess it’s better me giving in to a bully (my father) then me arrogantly and callously disregarding my mother’s murder in favor of my own childish ideas of fame and glory. Catch #48 to W.P. Then K home. Same guy on K on way home as on the K into W.P. Stop by W.F.

November 29 dream:  I’m leaving home. Leaving my father. Learned how to check out so it registers immediately and I don’t have to wait a few days.

November 29 dream:  Biden is campaigning for President. I visit friend’s house. He is anti-Biden. I’m not much of a fan myself. I clean off dirty tape dispense. It has something like peanut butter on it.

November 29 dream:  Doing some sacred ritual. Trying to reach some place. Woman leading me didn’t say much. Later man said she gave me a bad report. It takes a lot of effort and seems to go on forever.

November 28 2022:  Anonymous call. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nedim at Peet’s with only one other barista. I exit Peet’s. Old man on sidewalk says, “You look like you know where you’re going.” Then run into Joel Engardio, newly elected gay supervisor. I say, “Joel! Congratulations! I’ve been reading about you.” Go to W.P. library. Take K to Castro. Go into 440 Club. Old guy gets excited seeing me. Buy cranberry juice. Take one sip and leave. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #48. Talk with guy about White Trash book he’s reading. I tell him I’ll check it out online. He says he likes my TYT T-shirt. Go to W.P. Walk to W.P. station. See Nedim alone at Peet’s. Take K home. Cute young Asian guy with shoes that look like slippers. Cute, interesting, possibly dangerous guy standing in doorway as I enter my apartment from the back entrance.

November 28 dream:  Me shaving myself. Then shaving some other guy who looks sort of like Tom O. He says, “Don’t get any hair on my white shirt.”

November 28 dream:  Gay people getting together. Me going on big trip. (h.o.)

November 27, 2022:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. See Joan at W.G. K to W.P. Young man holds up train to make sure I get on. Evan, Stephanie and new (to me) Aquarian barista at Peet’s. Nice talk with all three as I leave. Stephanie looks very different to me. She tells me Daniel was in hier asking if I had been in. Take K to Castro. See waiter friend from November 25 talking outside with fellow waiter. I don’t stop. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #44 to Forest Hill. Read in Healing Words that some people are cured of cancer by “doing nothing.” By not fighting it as we tend to do in Western culture. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Cash register breaks. He has on T-shirt saying, “I’m not dead yet.” I say, ‘That’s good to know.”

November 27 dream:  Eating the greatest sandwich in the world. Some people around me were panicking, but I wasn’t going anywhere. (h.o.)

November 27 dream:  My raft is ready to go out in the ocean. Somebody says, “Did you forget oil?” I say I did. So they rush someone over with oil. Lots of high school kids around.

November 27 dream:  Architect decides to continue building. I brew coffee. Have to start fresh pot for about three people.

November 27 dream:  Go to Las Vegas with Sarah. They are having a convention of mobsters and Prosperos. I part with Heather. Later I see two big fat women look at me mockingly. And then see Sarah with them. I think, “Well, I guess I lost Sarah.”

November 26, 2022:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Start talking with guy waiting for #44 So I take it with him. His name is Amar. He works for Google. We talk ’til I get off at Forest Hill. Take #44 back to G.P. Meet sweet young man with pizza slices in box. I ask where he got the pizza. He said, “Slices” on Haight. I say, “That’s a long way to go for a pizza.” He says, “We were hanging out in the Haight.” Then he starts talking with his girlfriend (who I hadn’t noticed before). But he did smile at me on his way out. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. As I exit, attractive young man rushes by. I immediately follow him, pausing briefly only long enough to cruise new M.S. worker I’d never seen before. I follow attractive young man to bus stop on Laguna Honda Boulevard. He continues walking. I decide to wait on the other side of the road to catch the #43 going to Forest Hill. As bus approaches, man in car yells through his open window, “You want a ride? Where are you going?” I say, “Forest Hill.” He says, “I can drive you to Forest Hill.” I say, “Thanks, but the bus is right here.” Upon reflection, it seems like the Universe was giving me an opportunity to politely, calmly and easily say “No” to abusive sex, like I didn’t do with my father so many decades ago. (*Relates to “Something big is coming” dream of November 7?) Take #43 to Forest Hill and K home. Stop at W.F. Nice chats with refrigerated food lady I see all the time and bakery guy who sells me a pumpkin pie. Check out with Jeff.

November 26 dream:  I get angry at somebody who is trying to cheat. I say, “It’s the law. Why else are you here?” She’s working for a law firm. Later we are all at a picnic and somebody serves me a piece of meat with cooked worms on it. I eat the meat but not the worms.

November 26 dream:  Neighborhood getting a new paint job but it’s not finished yet. (*Relates to some of my recent breakthroughs, I think.)

November 25, 2022:  At Ukraine Emergency Translation Group, only Heather and I attend. I try to explain my sense testimony to Heather. My sense testimony is: “I punish myself because I expect to be famous.” What I was trying to explain to Heather is that as a child I remember coming from God and I interpreted that as meaning that I would someday be somebody very important. And it has been my lifetime goal to try to suppress this feeling. Heather kind of dismisses me, sort of like my father probably would have if I had shared this with him. (*This very much relates to my atomic bomb dream of October 18, I think.) In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.G. Admire guy’s physique who smiles in return. Talk with Joan at W.G. She says she had Thanksgiving with her friend from her other job. I invite her to Xmas day at Tommy’s Joint. Go into Java Hut to check out cute guy. Then K to W.P. Nedim and Evan at Peet’s. I talk with them both. Start reading Healing Words. K to Castro. Feel bouncy happy on exiting Castro Station. Think it relates to John, but find out it relates to outdoor waiter who I stop in my tracks for. He says, “Hi.” I say, “Hi.” He was really just a beautiful man, both inside and out. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. K home. Go to W..F. Nice to see they’re back to regular hours. Then peek into Pakwan’s resto to see if my friend is there. He is.

November 25 dream:  Throwing frisbee-type disk in pinnacled canyon. Guy with me says, “Don’t stand too close to the pinnacle. It might fall.”

November 24, 2022:  #49 to Tommy’s Joint. Guy getting on at Richland Avenue checks me out. Later beautiful guy and his girlfriend get on bus. I make a point of seeing him before I get off. Turns out we both get off at same stop. He was hanging onto his girlfriend, but still looking back at me as I mentally caressed him. Have Thanksgiving dinner with John F. and his friend Rick. My friend Joan from W.G. didn’t show up. Walk home via Polk Street. Give thumbs up to owner of new sports bar which took over the old Quetzal Café. Walk down Van Ness and up Market Street to the Castro. Then up 19th Street to Market to #44 to Forest Hill to W.P. Check out Art Attack place near Castro. It looks totally empty. Get anonymous call on Market. Go to S.B. in W.P. Then K home. Go to Chinese take-out place. Memory: My father spanking us (my brother Tom and I) for talking when we were supposed to be sleeping. And he apologizes and blames our mother for having to spank us.

November 24 dream:  Talking to … J.B. about why he and other guy are so upset with each other.

November 24 dream:  Making French toast as my contribution to the banquet.

November 23, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Go to W.G. Ocean Avenue. Jokingly (or not) invite Joan to join us tomorrow at Tommy’s Joint. She said she was interested. K to W.P. Nedim at Peet’s. I ask him, “Did Daniel make the cut?” He says, “I’m not at liberty to say.” K to Castro. Walk past 440 Club. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. K to W.F. Check out with Jien. Compliment him on his smiley face on his name tag. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: I punish myself because I expect to be famous. Conclusion: Truth is flawless/innocent in thought and deed. Insight: Pelvic pain is a distraction from my arrogance?

November 23 dream:  At basketball game. Then on top tier of football stadium, watching the game. Decide I want to leave early. My black friend follows me down. Then woman offers me tea. She said to my black friend, “Can I help you?” My black friend said, “Not that much help.”

November 23 dream:  I am elected president of the residence floor. My room is not looking all that bad. No cockroaches. I look at all the hallways. Each seems to be a different color. Run into guy who’s being “arrested” by the hall monitor. I grab him playfully.

November 22, 2022:  Find photo of my Saratoga Elementary School band (some 54 members) in my own pictures file. I look exceptionally happy. Later put it on Facebook and many ‘liked’ it, including Zai Gham, one of my Occupy friends. Walk to G.P. Pass glass Muni shelter on Ocean which had been attacked by brick. Guy standing there said he didn’t do it. Brick was still on the ground. I said, “There’s your evidence.” At G.P., lock eyes briefly with guy on Chenery. Go to C.B. Then library. Then #35 appears out of nowhere. I take it as a sign to go to the Castro. I get off at 19th Street. Go to W.G. Then go to 440 Club. Look around and exit. Feel kind of bouncy as I leave. Walk up Market to M.S. Very crowded. Lots of pushy people. Take #43 home. Nice Asian guy (who smelled like he’d been drinking) cleared a place for me to sit next to him. He had on a camouflage mask. Later on, he was on phone telling somebody that he’d meet with him later. Cute young teen with short black pants sitting across from me. Later in trip he and older gay guy next to him talk and joke about something. I wondered what their relationship is. Did they just meet or did they know each other? When I leave, I want to thank Asian guy again for making a seat for me, but most of my attention was focused on the teen with short pants. As I exit bus, though, I look back excitedly at Asian guy. Later think he may be a tulpa.

November 22 dream:  Underground panic. People are running for their lives. I try to protect some. Lion approaches. I’m told the first time this happened, he moved on as he dos this time.

November 22 dream:  My boss wants me to send some pamphlets to a publisher. He says, “Tell me. Please put your answer in the form of a book.”

November 21, 2022:  Get up early for me. Later take nap. In ’til 3:45ish. Elevator down from 3rd floor stops at 2nd and decides it wants to go up. I get off. Guy on 2 says, “It’ll be okay.” I tell elevator to go to 1. It does. Guy in car at Jules Muni stop fixing his hair. We lock eyes. K to W.P. Jasmine at Peet’s tells me she’s studying film at SF State. I say, “Just like Kai.” Nedim there, too. Later, Daniel comes in and sits down with me and tells me what’s been going on in his life. He may get fired since he missed a few shifts. Feel somewhat “shitty.” Take K to Castor just to check in briefly after Colorado Spring shooting. Then take K home still kind of reeling from my talk with Daniel, who showed me some of his art. Shits on getting home.

November 21 dream:  Drawing numbers to see how we’ll advance.

November 21 dream:  New Orleans is in our … Someone playing “Just a Closer Walk with Thee.” Someone playing a saxophone, and trying to hide it from the police. A black policeman gives chase.

November 20, 2022:  In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Kai, Evan, Jasmine, Bruce at Peet’s. Nice talk with Evan. Take K to Castro. Think maybe the word I want is not shank, but flank. So I go to look that up online and my phone’s not there. Take K back to Peet’s. I think I may have left my phone in the restroom. And it was right there on the sink where I left it. Kai and Evan helped me recover it. Take K home. Go to W.P. Check out with Du. Work on book in p.m. Want to cancel my massage appointment tomorrow but can’t figure out how. Later I do figure it out. I like my masseur but I still feel sore from the last time he worked on me. Later I add “side effect” as possible term to Translate.

November 20 dream:  Trying to get all the incoming and outgoing lines attached.

November 20 dream:  Swimming in clear pool. Someone puts structure in the way with olives or turkey balls in it. They are supposed to be good for you.

November 19, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Safeway on Monterey Boulevard. Then G.P. See Lee as I arrive at Diamond and Bosworth Streets. He tells me he’s out on a walk. I head towards C.B. After C.B. Go to library. Then walk thru G.C.P. See Reckoning book on way. Go to M.S. When I check out, I notice “Sir Allen” bagging at another station. So I rush over to buy something from his line. But he leaves before I’m rung up. On #43 home, start Translating my side pain. Come up with the word “shank.” I look it up online. Realize it also refers to being “shanked.” I used to think that maybe John was shanking me, but today for the first time, I entertained the possibility (probability?) that it has been my father who’s been shanking me, either from the “beyond” or from within my own psyche. Later in p.m. email attorney John Burris with my Electoral College idea.

November 19 dream:  A group of us were trying to pass as part of the group. Tom C. came in and covered for us. I’m eating cottage cheese and avocados at the time.

November 19 dream:  Trying to shave at relative’s house. Don’t feel very welcome. Outside parade brought by Japanese person speaks over lunch. Speaks half in English, half in Japanese.

November 19 dream:  Having trouble paying my $2 library fine. Finally pay it with my new library credit card.

November 18, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. with Heather and Sarah and me. Take K to Church Street for 2 p.m. dental appointment. As I leave, catch the eye of cute skateboarder who is heading in the opposite direction. He looks back at me a couple of times. So I follow him. He leads me almost directly to 95 Laguna Street. Just hier I mailed in my renewed interest in being on their waitlist. So I think it’s a sign that this is where I will be moving next. Walk back to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 19th Street. Turn right on Eureka hoping to find Chronicle. As I’m thinking about 95 Laguna Street, cute guy on Eureka smiles me. Then walk up 18th Sweet to Market to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” We talk briefly about his new name tag which doesn’t include the “Sir.” Then go to S.B. Portola Drive. Older gay guy likes my “Abolish the Electoral College” T-shirt. Baristo there smiles at me, I think. #43 home. Run into Peter for first time since May 10. He tells me about U.C. strike he’s been on. Hear “May 1” in pm. Send email to John Koza about the Electoral College with my idea that the E.C. could be considered unconstitutional ’cause it violates the equal protection clause of the U.S. Constitution.

November 18 dream:  ”This script is extenuous,” character says in the middle of my dream.

November 18 dream:  Start two year stint in the Army. Don’t know anything yet. I’m sure it will be adventurous but not yet.

November 17, 2022:  In ’til 3:45ish. Talk to Rajat at 7-11. He’s going to curl his hair, he says. K to W.P. Feel kind of scared that Sergio will be at Peet’s. And he is. We talk briefly. Later I start to feel “shitty” so I decide to leave earlier than usual. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Then turn around and pass it again. Decided to take subway back to W.P. I go to Peet’s again. This time Sergio waits on me. He tells me he’s been spending a lot of time at another Peet’s. I say, “Which one?” He says, “Chestnut Street.” I say, “Lots of young upwardly mobile people.” (This was, I think, my way of saying good-bye to Sergio. And his way of saying good-bye to me.) Finish my crossword puzzle and the newspaper and head down W.P. Boulevard to catch K home. Drop in on Ladi at C.S. Reading Room. He tells me he lives in W.P. I say, “Yeah, I used to live in a really nice house, too, when I was a Christian Scientist. As soon as I left the church, I became poor.” “Maybe God is trying to tell me something,” I joke. K home. Check out with Du. I ask him if he’s keeping busy. He says, “Yeah, but it doesn’t really matter.” I don’t understand what he meant by that but he has a really nice smile. He says, “You know what I mean.”

November 17 dream:  Hard-on dream about the effect Mudi had on people from the early 20th century. There were photos.

November 17 dream:  Tom O. and my father get together and come over to my place as I’m peeing in the sink. (h.o.)

November 17 dream:  Dream in which my boss reaches over and grabs my crotch. Woman in dream says, “You don’t have that right.” May says, “I thought you enjoyed it.”

November 17 dream:  Walking down path by my apartment. Lots of spiders swarm on my body. I try to brush them off.

November 17 dream:  Kissing Lisa?

November 17 dream:  Vermicelli.

November 17 dream:  Ants on food.

November 17 dream:  Reagan and Mundi talk.

November 16, 2022:  Call Peet’s and they tell me they have my library book. Yay! In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Jasmine and Kai at Peet’s. Pick up my book. Go to W.P. library and give thumbs up to Dat who returns the favor. Take K to 1201 Sutter Street open house. It’s even smaller than where I live now. Take #49 home. Get feeling to get off at 16th Street. So I get off at 18th Street and walk back to 16th Street. Stop at burrito place to take pee and get a burrito. Walk up 16th Street to Castro. Pass 440 Club. See guy on Castro who makes me turn around. I decide to walk back up Castro and pass 440 Club again. See ad saying “Don’t go half way.” So I go back to 440 Club and walk inside. Don’t see John but I do connect with short, mousy guy who it feels like I know. Later realize it may have been John showing me what he looks like without his very handsome exterior. Take #35 to G.P. Then #23 and #43 home. All of which came right away. Stop by W.F. Check out with Harrold. He tells me he lives in Daly City.

November 16 dream:  Out on the ocean in a rowboat off of our main boat. See dark forms under the water. Head for the main boat, but one of us goes to smaller black mass and blasts a megaphone at them.

November 16 dream:  Resting on couch in my new apartment, looking out at Xmas lights nearby. Someone asks me if I’ve moved in completely. I say, “No.” Then realize I don’t have a mailbox key. Then realize I’m dreaming.

November 16 dream:  Talk to somebody (a girl) about going to Paris. How it’s just a city with good points and not-so-good points.

November 16 dream:  Sophia Loren, wearing white dress, takes off her coat. She (and I) were both expecting that she would be fat, but she looked great. She shook her hips in the mirror and seemed very happy. I was laying on bed with a girl at the time. 

November 15, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Try to start conversation with cute young man reading a book. I ask, “Is that a good book?” He ignores me. Go to library. Then walk thru G.C.P. Hear owl. Approach woman I think is Janet, the Coyote Lady, and ask, “Any coyotes?” It’s not Janet and I couldn’t understand what she said. #48 to W.P. See woman wearing V neck sweater. I’m attracted to her cleavage. Next time I look, her sweater is up to her neck. K home. John F. calls in p.m. Realize I accidentally threw away library book on male privilege. Which was how I felt about the book.

November 15 dream:  List of people I’m going to work with this week or this year. Yearly costs more.

November 15 dream:  I win two checks (or is it one?) for $30. Thane arrives from airport. Nobody sees him at first, other than me. Still working on list, mostly people from Arizona.

November 15 dream:  Thane laying down, pretending to be meditating. Asks me to hold his head. Then he pretends to fall asleep.

November 14, 2022:  In-house massage at 11 a.m. Learn that my masseur escaped from Iraq in 1993. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Jasmine and other nice barista at Peet’s. K to Castro. As I pass 440 Club, feel invited to look in, which I do. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Walk up 19th Street and Market to M.S. See “Sir Allen” but don’t speak to him. Check out with Ian who seems very dispirited. #43 to Forest Hill. Follow cute very young Filipino(?) guy in shorts into Forest Hill station and take the wrong elevator just so I can be near him. He holds the door open for me. After we arrive at the platform, we are the only two on either side of the station. I ask him, “Are there steps up out of here?” He points out the steps to me. I cross over to my side of the station and lean up against the wall as he is leaning up against his wall. Take K home. Go to W.P. Nice bakery lady. Check out with Harrold (with two “r”s). Via email Alex G. says he’s surprised I showed up for the November 12 book launch of Finding the Unpredictable Good. I email back, “Why surprised?” He says “you seldom come around.” I respond, “I come around everyday via the Bathtub Bulletin.” Alex was the guy years ago (in the ’70s) during an Aloha Retreat with The Prosperos who stayed on top of me as I dragged him into the kitchen while struggling to stand on my own two feet.

November 14 dream:  Putting $3.50 cash in an envelope. Open it up to tape the two quarters down.

November 13, 2022:  Read about B-17 bomber crashing into another plane in Dallas (*Relates to atomic bomb dream of October18?) In ’til 3:30ish. Buy new earphones from Joan at W.G. K to W.P. Nedim at Peet’s. Also Bruce. Feel kind of “shitty” so walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Rush home to take shits.

November 13 dream:  Harriet appearing with her legs bandaged with what looks like wrapping paper down to her high heels.

November 12, 2022:  Sarah calls in a.m. Online book launch for Finding the Unpredictable Good. Lots of people (20 or so) attending. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Lose my earphones. Get down on myself. Feel that something was taken from me. Ask myself when have I felt this way before. Realize it may relate to my father taking away, not so much my innocence, but my sexuality. Go to library. Then G.C.P. Run into Janet, the Coyote Lady, looking for coyotes. Then M.S. #43 home.

November 12 dream:  Copying changes made from one binder to another.

November 12 dream:  Signing back in to work. I say, “I don’t plan to leave the city.”

November 11, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Just Heather and me. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Lulu, Kai at Peet’s. Old man regular who I’ve never liked sits across from me and smiles. Feels creepy to me. I don’t smile back. But do feel pelvic pain. K to Castro. See cute Boy Scout at 18th & Castro. Do quick U-turn. Buy expensive bag of caramel corn for $14. (*Relates to shits from two days ago about the same time?) Walk up 19th Street to Market to #52 to Forest Hill. K home. When I get home my building and W.F. are having a fire alarm. Run into Shrey. We talk ’til alarm goes off. Go to W.F.

November 11 dream:  Carrot, potato stew finally ready. Somebody made lots more carrots. I changed outfits for second helping.

November 11 dream: Am in Chicago. Supposed to guide little kid to go home.

November 10, 2022:  In ’til 2:15ish. K to W.P. for optometry appointment. Go to Ballast Cafe first. Googling foot pain, realize I need to ice my feet. Nice Asian gay guy examined my eyes. Go to Peet’s. Nedim there. K to Castro. Walk up 19th Street. Dog on leash lurches at me, barking. Up Market to Portola shopping center. #48 to W.P. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Du who looks and acts really sweet. Respond to Fennie email claim that The Prosperos teaches democracy. My headline on the BB: “’The Prosperos is organized to promulgate … genuine democracy’ [except in the running of the school].” (*Relates to dogs/coyotes barking/screaming hier in G.C.P.?)

November 10 dream: About to give my part of a presentation. Others go out for a moment. I start to make phone call but they come back.

November 10 dream:  Presentation about to be made. Audience sits in their chairs. There’s some confusion with the front row big wigs.

November 10 dream:  The final word of my life will be “Amen.”

November 9, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then library. Sun says hi to me. I was surprised. First time I’d seen him since June 7. Walk thru G.C.P. Take shits at G.P. Recreational Center. Walk thru lower part of G.C.P. Hear dogs and/or coyotes barking and screaming in pain. Later realize pain in my left foot may relate to me going in the wrong direction with my interest in moving. Go to M.S. Check out with Ian. His face is redder than ever. He says it’s always been like that. I say, “Are you sure you’re not embarrassed about something?” #43 home. John F. calls in p.m.

November 9 dream:  Noble Fields ad searching for virgins

November 9 dream«: Am at temp job in SOMA. Nothing to do. Woman comes up and asks me what business I’m in. I look for water on water shelf and find only an ear of corn.

November 8, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Daniel and Nedim at Peet’s. Good connection with Daniel (finally). Black woman in front of W.P. station wearing an “I voted” sticker as was I. We smile. Take K to Castro. Up 19th Street to #48 to #43. Young black woman gets up to offer me her seat. Online meeting from 6-8 p.m. about BMR condo at 1201 Sutter. Also get text from John F. that he would be happy pick me up after my surgery on January 23.

November 8 dream:  My dream brother gets very emotional with a tear dripping from his right eye. Then I embrace him. (h.o.)

November 8 dream:  In Translation group, two or three girls flirting with me.

November 8 dream:  At party, Thane arrives in tow behind Frank Ralston(?) He sees me. We shake hands. He brushes off salt from his hand from the salty snack I was eating. He kisses young man who backs away and looks at me. I smile at him (the younger man). Then Thane sees dead hand on the ground. He touches it. It turns into an injured cat who responds. Thane picks him up and takes him for help.

November 7, 2022:  Get call that my credit card was blocked due to fraudulent activity by somebody. In-house massage at 11 a.m. Guy says I’m very stiff. In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Daniel and Nedim at Peet’s. Daniel still very silent. K to Castro. Feel jumpy happy at one point. Then up 19th Street to Market. Cross Market in the dark. Police car yells out to me via a microphone, “Don’t cross the street in the dark or a car will hit you.” #48 to W.P. Then K home. I sit next to cute guy. Then notice other guy with blue helmet. He smiles at me as he exited. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Translate not being able to get a ride home from my operation on January23. Conclusion: Truth is all-knowing, all-known, all-loving and all loved.

November 7 dream:  Two documents with errors on them. Ana Kasparian throws them out. We’re looking at house which only cost $8,000 but needs a lot fo work.

November 7 dream:  Go to work without pants. No one notices ’til Barry Bram, my boss, notices. Later Richard Pryor doing very funny routine imitating being a jazz musician. Plaque saying, “Something Big is Coming.”

November 7 dream:  Watch big nursing event take place outside my Saratoga window. Thunder and lightning. Everybody heads for cover. I say to lead organizer (a black woman), “It looks like our house was designed for big events. I wonder why.”

November 6, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Evan, Kai at Peet’s. Evan told me about schools he’s applied to. He’s going to major in creative writing and maybe music as well. Later young girl comes in to talk to him. Also talked with Kai about the movie The Irishman. While I was at Peet’s, John Atwater from Colorado called me and we talked about the Prosperos assembly next year in Oklahoma (*Relates to hard-on dream of September 15, I think.) Take K to Castro. As I enter Castro station, catch eye of guy who I followed up Market Street. I saw him into his apartment. Walk up Market to #48 to W.P. to K home. W.F.

November 6 dream:  It’s dark and I can’t see. “Who is this? Who is this?” I say. The wrong people were appointed. Next time, though, it will be better.

November 6 dream:  Eating some kind of candy in a bike shop where there are lots of bikes hanging from the ceiling. I say that I liked it better when they were hanging from the walls.

November 5, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Buy lotto ticket from Lee. Tell him I’ll give him a percentage. Later realize dream of reptile from November 4 probably relates to me buying that lotto ticket. Go to C.B. Get matcha latte from C.B. owner’s son like I did on October 22. Go to library. Walk thru C.G.P. Rainy day. Go to M.S. Check out with Haircut Ed. #43 home. Run into Shrey at back of bus.

November 5 dream:  Supreme Court makes a decision. (h.o.)

November 5 dream:  Beautiful water from underneath.

November 5 dream:  Some people want me to move to Washington state and work in a bookstore with them.

November 4, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Heather, Sarah and me attend. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. See Eezy-Freezy guy from October 17. He kind of tries to hide from me, but finally we recognize each other. No Daniel at Peet’s, as I suspected. Kai, Stephanie, Valentine there. Take K to Castro. I think I see Christian. Do double-take. As I pass 440 Club, guy collides with mea and holds onto me a little longer than he needed to. Up 19th Street to Market to #48. Four young guys board and sit near me. Get off at W.P. Take K home. Sit next to guy who took up more space than he needed to. But as he got off at Miramar, I’m overwhelmed by his beauty and his gracious smile. (*Relates to shits from hier about he same time, I think.) Female cashier at W.F. Felt bad I didn’t please her (by checking out in her line). Then realized that that was the same feeling I had with my mother. That it was my job to please her.

November 4 dream:  Bob Meslinsky asking for authorization tactfully when they ask him what he’s doing. (h.o.)

November 4 dream:  Try to do a whack-a-mole type game 9with guys) when i’m high on something.

November 4 dream:  Trying to counsel guy in front of others. I’m doing pretty good but I can hardly hear him. He wants his home to change.

November 4 dream:  Reptile exploring my kitchen tentatively. (*Relates to buying a $46 million lotto ticker on November 5 and fantasizing what I’d do with it.)

November 3, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Run into Nedim on W.P. bench. He tells me Daniel will take care of me at Peet’s. Daniel says he got the astro chart I emailed him. I say, “Maybe we can go over it sometime.” He says, “How about tomorrow?” I say, “Okay.” Not sure if he’ll show up though. Take K to Castro. Black guy bumps into me. I feel “shitty.” Decide to take K home. Cute, tall, long-haired, bleached blond, Asian skateboarder and black guy dressed very stylishly get off at my stop. I think Asian guy smiled at me with his eyes. Go home. Have shits. Then mail my ballet. Go to W.F. work on book in p.m.

November 3 dream:  Writing a book review and eating a sandwich. (h.o.)

November 3 dream:  Three of us go thru files to find loopiest people, in a good way.

November 3 dream:  When I follow Liz Andrews, I tend to lose my balance. Going to crypto-converter for dog owners.

November 2, 2022:  Anonymous call in a.m. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Kai at Peet’s. We talk about Uncut Gems movie he recommended and I saw two nights ago. K to Castro. Walk up 19th Street to Market to M.S. Check out with red-faced Ian who told me he went swimming earlier at the Olympic Club downtown. He’s got some connections.

November 2 dream:  Mary Tyler Moore recognizes me and reminds me of the effort we both put into me applying to acting school in Chicago. Earlier well-dressed guy I didn’t think was gay [Tom the lawyer, who really is gay] participating in outdoor “play” with two gay guys and a gal being a “couple.”

November 2 dream:  Shell Oil sign in front yard of our business finally falls down.

November 2 dream:  Follow Liam Malanaphy to big vat of water where they are growing gardenias. Later his mother Livia joins us.

November 1, 2022:  #29 and #38 to VA. Sit near cute guy in back seat on #29. When he gets off at SFSU, he readjusts his sweater in a way I interpreted as sexual. I Translated “crowds” before boarding #29 due to past experience and realized that since Truth is one, it cannot be crowded at the same time. And the #29 bus I boarded today wasn’t crowded. Get caught in rain on way into and out of VA. Cute guy at Walgreens where I look at umbrellas on the way in and buy one on the way out. Dr. Horn gave me a surgery appointment on January 16. Walk to La Promenade. Two cute guys there I make contact with. Then walk thru G.G. Park to #29. Crazy guy on #29. W.F. Bills. Monthly BB. Pick up shoes from Johnnie. Notice that Apt. #308 seems empty as I passed by.

November 1 dream:  I pick out six DVDs I want to watch. (h.o.)

November 1 dream:  Teaching child why things are named. Mebert means mine. Hebert means his.

October 31, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Meet “Mad Hatter” at Ingleside library. She liked by “Abolish the Electoral College” T-shirt. K to W.P. Daniel and Nedim and Lulu at Peet’s. Daniel still very down. Lots of kids in costume on the street. K to Castro. Not as many costumed as hier. It was probably too early. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #44 to Forest Hill. Take K to W.P. Get off at W.P. to see more kids in costumes. Buy small Vietnamese Coffee froyo. $7.09! One young teenager who was dressed like Harry Potter said, “I like your bag.” My bag says, “Love is love.” Talked briefly with Ladi at C.S. Reading Room. K home. In p.m. feeling of being under the surface of water via DVD about Freud and mysticism. (*Relates to atomic bomb dream of October 18, I think.) Send email to Daniel re his astrological chart.

October 31 dream:  Submitted something I didn’t sing up for.

October 31 dream:  Heather and I witness politician at a meeting and kind of laugh at them. Later I take pee in men’s room.

October 30, 2022:  Sarah calls. In ’til 4ish. K to W.P. Sergio not at Peet’s. Nedim and Bruce are. Short young guy in front of W.P. station smiles at me. K to Castro. Several people in costumes already. Up 19th Street to Market to #48 to K home. W.F. Lula wins in Brazil!!!

October 30 dream:  Hard-on dream about doing something by 4?

October 30 dream:  Timing the pain in my leg every 5 minutes. Tom O. yells at me, “Are you still up?” It’s about 2:30 a.m. in the dream.

October 30 dream:  Not sure which job to go to tomorrow. My old one or my new one? Trying to get money from man who owes me. He says he’s signed the check but he just won’t give ti to me yet.

October 30 dream:  Sitting around large, long table with many people recounting the many things Thane has done.

October 29, 2022:  See photo of B-52 as in dream of October 18. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Sergio not at Peet’s as I expected. Kai, Nedim there. Nedim after 30 days in Bosnia and Herzegovina. Kai after water polo game earlier in the day. K to Castro. Recognize guy I saw two days ago on same train. This time our eyes locked briefly. He seemed to be with a boyfriend. Both got off at Castro as did I. He was limping. Follow bearded guy at 18th & Castro briefly. Then follow smiling Asian guy for half a block. Up 19th Street to Market Street. Almost run into woman carrying newborn baby on Market. #44 to Forest Hill. K home. W.F. Check out with Jade, who’s still kind of a dick. Realize October 29 viewer of this diary from Germany may have been somebody from the USA disguising him/herself thru use of a VPN. Made me feel bad.

October 29 dream:  I’m making out with cute young blond guy. I’m grabbing his ass and he’s grabbing mine. He says, “I want to show you what a great ass I have.” I say, “I know what a great ass you have.” We are both hard. For some reason he can’t come in my room. But other very fat and pushy guy keeps showing up at my door.

October 28, 2022:  In ’til 1:30ish. #29 and #38 to VA. On #29, drunk, fat, friendly guy talks to me about being a “birder.” Neurology appointment with Dr. Goodin at VA. Short and sweat. He is touching my toes, my fingers, my legs and I’m sitting there in my tight red pants ready to pounce if he “tries anything funny.” Then La Promenade Café. #31 and #44 to G.P. library. Walk to Safeway. Hear guy on cellphone saying, “Calm down. Calm down.” Go to Safeway. Check out with Gabe. We talk about Halloween candy. #43 home. Email from Richard Hartnett saying he’s in town and wants to check up on me to see how I am. See “The Perfect Opportunity” in p.m.

October 28 dream:  Band playing for someone. (h.o.)

October 28 dream:  Copy and paste list 4 pages long.

October 27, 2022:  In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Sergio and Daniel both at Peet’s for first time in 5 or 6 days. I complimented Sergio on his T-shirt. In turn he asked me about mine. Later talked with Daniel about his hero, Kanye West. Later ask Sergio when Nedim will return. He says, “Saturday.” So I’ll go back on Saturday, mostly in hopes that Sergio will be there. Bruce there also. K to Castro. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. Beautiful, blond guy at 14th Avenue. K home. Follow cute Asian guy into resto briefly ’til he took his hood off and revealed his completely shaved off head. Shop at W.F. Hot guy let’s me cut in line ahead of him.

October 27 dream: Trying to find out more info on why the military (the Navy) is raising funds for this particular ship. (h.o.)

October 27 dream:  My friends are moving out. I’m living in a beautiful lobby which will make a nice room once I add a few things, like a screen. In bed, taking some purple sections out of my leg. Wondering how I’m gong to walk now.

October 26, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Joan at W.G. K to W.P. Stop by Ballast Café. Cute baristo. Sergio not at Peet’s for 4th day in a row. Same with Daniel. I tells ya, these two are one person! Kai and Faisal there. Kai tells me he was on his hight school water polo team. K to Castro. Walk up 19th Street to Market. #48 to M.S. Some nasty kids on #48. Shop at M.S. Walking to #43, run into two painters at CVS. One especially excited to see me. #43 home. More nasty kids. I moved away from them too early because as I exited, I saw guy who had been sitting in the back seat who I should have connected with.

October 26 dream:  Hard-on dream about cause and effect. (*Relates to talking with Daniel about Kanye at Peet’s on October 27. Daniel said something about cause and effect in re Kanye. Also relates to me talking with Sergio earlier, I think.)

October 26 dream:  Woman getting ready for Prosperos banquet. Her name was Elaine Mountain. I was trying to write it on a napkin.

October 26 dream:  Guys without pants climbing down fire escape ladder very casually. I wonder if I could kiss John even if I don’t like him. I think, “Well, I could give it a try.”

October 25, 2022:  5.1 earthquake at 11:42 a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. No Sergio at Peet’s. K to Castro. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #48. While waiting for #48, I heard myself settling for somebody, anybody to hook up with. Then heard myself and realized that that’s all I thought I deserved when I was with my father. On #48, one very good-looking, well-built guy nicely dressed in tight tan suit working on his computer. I sit near him. Then guy with bright pink fingernail polish comes in with his girlfriend. Then third guy in baseball cap, very handsome, trying to avoid my gaze. Get off at W.P. K home. Go to see Johnnie at shoe repair place. On my way there, I run into guy checking out poster on telephone pole. We made a brief connection which I didn’t pursue. (*Relates to 2nd nap dream from today, I think. And I think it may have been a mutation from my insight about not having to accept 2nd best earlier today.)

October 25 nap dream:  “This is 1783,” talking about painting. “It’s spectacular!”

October 25 nap dream:  Trying to get away from bickering household. Walking down long stairs. Then look around and I’m still high up. Unused, uncared for swimming pool below. I want to go back up.

October 25 dream:  Look at two vacant apartments high above city with panoramic views of S.F. The number 72,000 involved.

October 25 dream: The whole family is moving out of Saratoga house. My father cleaned our bathroom more than anyone ever had. There was a globe light in it. I was looking for fresh underpants to wear.

October 24, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. No Sergio at Peet’s. Cute guy hides from my gaze behind his computer. Take K to Castro. Several men in sleeveless T-shirts and shorts. One smiled at me. Up 19th Street to Market to #52 to Forest Hill. Feel left knee pain on long steps down. Then run into scary (to me) black guy on K. I think there was a connection. K home. W.F. Check out in line behind very cute Asian guy I had seen earlier in the store. Checked out with Jeanette.

October 24 dream:  My new room (#317) at camp has lots of hard-shelled bugs crawling on the walls. Coordinator offers to be my roommate. I say, “Well, that would be wonderful.”

October 24 dream:  See Oprah and others trying to heal themselves. Guy asks me what I want. I tell him, “I think God, if you will, wants to use the gay community to show the androgyny of mankind.” He thought I meant the S.F. gay community. I say, “No, I mean the gay community in general.” He gets excited by the idea. Then gay guy gets ready to go out. Then other gay guy joins him.

October 23, 2022:  In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Sergio not at Peet’s. Take K to Castro. Pause at Market and Castro ’til passing guy smiles at me. Walk up 19th Street to Market. Smiling Asian family at Kite Hill. Up Market to #48. Small dog on pedestrian pathway both barks at me and backs away from me. His owner says, “He’s just excited.” I say, “So am I.” #48 to W.P. K home. W.F. Check out with new smiling female cashiers. Mikayla?

October 23 dream:  Hard-on dream.

October 23 dream:  Gravity didn’t seem to matter any more. Calvin flying in the air. Woman on horseback with other horse in tow. She kept switching horses. Lots of other flying people. Also flying white hawk. See Calvin on way in. Then guy I like, but I’m in a rush, I think, to write it all down.

October 22, 2022:  Tough nite last nite. Call Sarah. In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to G.P. Talk wi Lee at liquor store. Go to C.B. Owner’s son and his friend there. One makes a great matcha latte for me. G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Then M.S. Then #43 home.

October 21, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Daniel didn’t show up at Peet’s as he promised hier, but Sergio was there. He ignores me ’til I was about to leave. Then we have a nice conversation. (*Realized later that Sergio was the subject of my first dream of October 18, not Christian. See Diary of October 20.) Take K to Castro. As train door opens, I admire body of man standing directly in front of me. And he let’s me. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. K home. W.F.

October 21 dream:  I move in with HughJohn on a temporary basis.

October 21 dream:  Living with interior designer Bill Hickok. All the furniture is in orange.

October 20, 2022:  Call from Wilson Fong at VA. Sleep ’til 12:30 p.m. In ’til 4ish. K to W.P. Sergio and Daniel there. Very quiet, even depressing day. As I leave, Daniel asks me if I’ll be back tomorrow. I say, “Probably.” He says he’ll see me then. Take K to Castro. Run into Christian again for first time since September 17. We have great conversation. And we exchange phone numbers. I tell him I’m sorry I didn’t invite him over the last time I saw him, so he could avoid the rain. (*Relates to 1st dream of October 18, I think.) Walk up Market to #52 to K home. W.F. Check out with Du.

October 20 dream:  SNL skit about boomers kind of undermining younger generation memes about them. Shirtless Joe Montana among the cast. Then drama with lots of shirtless guys and me in the center observing it all and then being a part of it. Ending up with sad wallflower in a dress who looked very sad. Then he smiled and I did, too.

October 19, 2022:  In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to G.P. See Lee taking out the garbage. Too late for C.B. Go to library. Walk thru G.C.P. Go to S.B. Portola. Give $2 to “Mouse” who admires my camera. #48 to W.P. K home. Young high school guy rushes to offer me a seat as soon as I board. Electricity goes out in p.m. for about two hours throughout the neighborhood.

October 19 dream:  Several black actors trying to emote over guy laying prone. Everyone in this acting group is getting very emotional and I’ not. One guy wants to commit suicide and have the insurance money go to his cat.

October 19 dream:  Go to north bay city for the day. John’s nephew, Harrison, who looks very much like John, is cashier at store. John is there and greets his nephew, “How’s it going, Harrison?” I talk with John’s other relative, a nice, overweight, not very attractive guy. John doesn’t recognize that I’m there. I hang out with two other cousins for a while. I tell one where he need to go next. He says, “I’m a big girl. I know my way around.”

October 18, 2022:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. See Ladi outside Christian Science Reading Room. We talk briefly. Daniel and Faisal at Peet’s. It’s Daniel’s b-day today. He’s 20. Jokes that he’s 37. I email him his astrology chart. Read part of Gabor Mate’s The Myth of Normal. it was the part where his Amazon guides told others that Dr. Mate was communing with God. Made me feel happy. Take K to Castro. Walk by 440 Club. (*May relate to shits hier at about the same time.) Walk up 19th Street and Market. See dead mouse. #52 and K home. Memory: Overweight guy in Paris who wanted to buy me coffee and was very insistent. I was polite and flattered, I guess. But tonight I thought, if I had accepted what I think was his proposition, I’d kill him. (*Relates, of course, to my relationship with my father, I think. Also may relate to dream of October 17 of Thane about to make a major announcement.)

October 18 dream:  Was doing pretty well with one gay guy. Then he started talking with someone else. And then I asked guy if I could borrow his gray T-shirt. Then I said I probably shouldn’t ’cause I’d just use it as a dust rag. We were close and he said, “Why don’t we just go out together, you know, like men and women do.” I said, “Sure.” I knew it was probably rude to first gay guy but it felt fabulous otherwise.

October 18 dream:  Leigh invites me to party in back room of St. Francis Hotel.

October 18 dream:  Am on top of parking structure. Suddenly long-winged plane flies over head. Also larger floating platform. Then it appears we are under water. You can see the surface up above. Everyone was told to go down below. I see 3 or 4 of my good male friends and try to comfort them. And I sit in chair near some Vietnam vets. They are dropping an atomic bomb, Obama had told us.

October 17, 2022:  Shits at 2 a.m.-ish. Work more on 1863 Mission app. Nap. In ’til 4:30 p.m. Shits before leaving. As I exit 352 Brighton, guy smiles and asks me how I am. I say, “I’m good.” Daniel, Lulu and Faisal at Peet’s. They finally have plain biscotti! Later have shits at Peet’s. As I leave, Daniel shows me secret handshake. Lulu videos us. Beautiful cashier at Eezy-Freezy who I make love to with my eyes. Take K home. See same guy from 352 Brighton as I exit on Jules. Run into Johnnie at shoe repair on Ocean. He says he’ll call me tomorrow about reheeling my shoes. Head into W.F. See #308. Follow him in. Ride up elevator with him and female doctor from UCSF. Then go to W.F. Check out with Du.

October 17 dream:  At circus featuring Middle Eastern jets. They are charging $54. I decide to go. We are advancing up steep wall. They are coming down. So that we won’t crash, I begin going down and start talking like Mr. Rogers and grabbing my companion’s butt.

October 17 dream:  Was doing planning for an area of West L.A. Someone suggested calling it the Dorf Sector. I suggested calling it Dorfside. We were not sure what we were trying to do with the area but it may have had something to do with transit. I was laying on couch and figured I should get up. So I struggled to get up [for 2nd day in a row]. And then I woke up.

October 17 dream:  Policeman wants to be taken seriously as a movie director.

October 17 dream:  Big meeting of The Prosperos. Thane and his Frank Ralston were on stage. I’m in back row next to short guy and Tom C. Both with buzz cuts. Both joking with each other.

October 16, 2022:  Start paperwork for 1863 Mission Street. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Faisal and nice young barista who showed concern that they still don’t have the plain biscotti I like. K to Castro. Big old guy in pink T-shirt barrels towards me and says, “Life is love.” Take #33 up 18th Street. Then walk up Market to M.S. on Portola. Have to choose between Ian and Allen on checkout. Allen’s line is shorter so I choose him. (*Relates to fire from hier at this time?) Ian said he went golfing this a.m. at Olympic Golf Club. #43 home.

October 16 dream:  Chris H. at party. Really glad to see him. He looks great. Calvin there too. Get stuck under covers by George Wallace(?). I start Translating and wake up.

October 16 dream:  ”Crazy and detached”

October 16 dream:  I’m in N.Y.C. for a couple of days. Find large Japanese bill (money) on the ground and turn it in for money at Chinese place. I drop some money and papers behind a small fridge. Jon Stewart tries to help em find it. Go to gay bar. Meet some cute young guys.

October 15, 2022:  Online work. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to C.B. Talk with young man about the book he’s reading. Then another man sitting next to me begins a conversation with me about photography. I give him my website. As I exit C.B., see “Astound” truck. Take #36 to Mission. Then #14. Run into low-riders at 24th Street. Great ;photo ops. Go to 1863 Mission to check out neighborhood. It’s pretty down and out, though the building is cute. Walk down Valencia Street. Take #49 home. Air is filled with smoke as I arrive home. Home on Brighton appears to be burning. Shits on getting home.

October 15 dream:  On train with English guy talking about big shows they put on and some of the ideas he has asked people to do. I tell him, “Love some of those things.”

October 15 dream:  Tom C. as woman in group.

October 15 dream:  Go on job interview at law office in 4-story building. Elevator has no numbers inside and I keep getting lost.

October 15 dream:  Going through comedy routine with black guy and a few others. My Daniel-type bantering self is emerging.

October 15 dream:  Visit Santa Cruz. Take swim on stretch of ocean. Ocean is warm and clear. Leigh is going to Christian Science church. I ask to go along. She says no. Then I see her. She’s really friendly. Reminds me of Jane Fletcher, one of my high school girlfriends. Santa Cruz has lots and lots of tall buildings. When I tell Leigh she reminds me of Jane Fletcher, she runs away. I try to chase after her.

October 14, 2022:  Sign in for Zoom meeting of Ukraine Emergency Translation Group. Nobody shows up. Online work. Nap. In ’til 4ish. K to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s. Very quiet day. Take K to Castro. Then walk up 19th Street to Market to #48. Murder of crows on 19th Street. Scruffy black guy smiles at me as I board. So I sit near him. As I”m about to exit, I notice he’s really beautiful, really sweet and probably gay. Try to get his attention as I leave. Walk by him a couple of times. (*Relates to shits from hier about this time, I think.) Take K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Shits on getting home. Fire drill shortly before midnight. See #308. He looks mean and nasty, though still cute.

October 14 dream:  Come back to civilization after shooting at grizzlies bears with a musket.

October 14 dream:  We put everything on the shelves. Pero binders for various groups, free stuff and stuff for purchase.

October 14 dream:  The get away driver drove off. I start cutting oak tree. Woman says, “I thought you were from the government.”

October 14 dream:  At new job, sweeping up. Guy says I should just finish up and go home. I’m not sure what my job is or who I’m working for. Woman says she’ll find out.

October 14 dream:  Dog eating orange slices.

October 13, 2022:  Extinction Rebellion Empathy Circle in a.m. Four of us attended. Online work. Try to nap. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Daniel and Sergio at Peet’s. Lots of bantering. Take K to Castor. Then #35 to G.P. See and wave at Lee at liquor store. #23 and #43 home.

October 13 dream:  Guy doing more than one thing at a time may have forgotten to bury other guy.

October 13 dream:  Several of us are rushing towards a reunion. Earlier walk thru area on sidewalk where lots of reptiles scurry away.

October 13 dream:  Nachtsva.

October 13 dream:  Someone passing out knives in the Castro. Take mine and hers and exit stage right. See two cops. Keep walking. Pick up free Examiner. Keep walking Great shopping area. I think Aunt Joanne would have liked it.

October 13 dream:  May be taking the right course I was supposed to be taking, second part of intro course. But taking correct course instead.

October 13 dream:  Met Cynthia Dussel at store. Then run into guy I saw earlier. They both knew each others. Later I asked how they met. He said at a beach in Humboldt. I asked him what he was doing. He signed me up and gave me some $30. He was with another guy.

October 12, 2022:  Go to VA in a.m. to get Covid test. I had to go to the ER to get it. Turned out negative. Doc says I have some sort of virus. After, walk to La Promenade Café on Balboa. Then walk thru G.G. Park to Lincoln Way. Sweet, very young skateboarder on Fulton shows interest in me. Then attractive guy walking his dog. Take #29 home. W.F. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Emotionally vulnerable people are subject to viral attack. Conclusion: Truth is emotional wholeness publicly participating in plenty.

October 11, 2022:  Another tough nite. Online work. Nap. In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to G.P. Talk with Lee at liquor store. Go to library. Then #52 to Portola Shopping Center. Go to S.B. Two cute young gay baristos. Go to CVS. Check out with Andrew who I last saw on August 19. Take #48 to W.P. The M to Balboa. Nice, good-looking young man sits across from me. I want to say something to him, so I say, “Is that an N-95 mask?” He smiles and says, “I don’t even know.” I say, “It looks like a good one.” Walk to Ocean and take #49 home. Insight: My anger at God for not taking care of me actually relates to my anger at my father for not taking care of me.

October 11 dream:  Dream indicating I’m feeling/doing better (h.o.)

October 11 dream:  Princetonian

October 11 dream:  Run into Tom O. in run down parking lot in downtown S.F. Also Hanz. I introduce them. Then my girlfriend Jill who is mad at me. We all arrange to get together for dinner when Tom gets back from his trip.

October 10, 2022:  Tough nite last nite. Couldn’t get to sleep ’til this a.m. In ’til 4ish. K to W.P. Stephanie and two other baristas at Peet’s. Take K to Castro. Then take M back. Stay on M ’cause of guy in baseball cap who gets off at SFSU. Then #29 home. Gay guy with sleeveless shirt stands next to me and we touch briefly. He pretends we don’t. Strange guy comes up to me at W.F. He asks me about my camera and tells me he’s seen me wear an expensive watch and invites me to upcoming Seiko convention downtown. Stand in line to check out with Cole but other cashier cals me over so I go. In p.m. watch DVD Your Honor in which the dates October 9 and 10 are key dates in the film.

October 10 dream:  Sliding downhill with two mates, one a girl, the other a boy. Afterwards, I ask the boy if he’ll be signing up for the next semester. Me and the girl and me and the boy seem to be in some kind of partnership.

October 9, 2022:  Online work. Nap. K to W.P. Kai and Faisal at Peet’s. Very busy. Insight: John is the best that I think I deserve: a boyfriend in the abstract only. As I think this, woman at Peet’s smiles at me. Later realize pain eating what I want may relate to my not feeling that I deserve to be happy. K to Castro. Walk to 19th Street. Then up 19th to Market to #52 to Forest Hill. K home. W.F. Finish RHS. Yes, my self-created childhood identity is not deserving of happiness, but I’m no longer that self. Because I was so ashamed of who I was and how I reacted to my mother’s death, I allowed my father and John to get away with treating me horribly in the hopes that one day maybe they wouldn’t. I think I was hoping they could do something I never could do: Forgive myself or, as Thane used to say, to give-for. To give up my old identity as a limited human being and replace it with my real identity as an aperture for Universal Consciousness, Universal Beingness, or, in other words, mind unfolding, that is, my mind unfolding. I was hoping their love would make me whole. But that was an impossible burden to put on them ’cause neither of them were whole in themselves. That wasn’t, isn’t your job. That’s my job. So I release you from the burden I put on you. And I accept that my task, to quote Thane’s Transcendental Interpretation of the Lord’s Prayer, is “accepting my divinity, whereby I am delivered from myself into Thyself.”

October 8, 2022:  Intro Empathy Circle from 10 a.m. to noon. About 11 attended. Online work. Nap. Go to Jun for 3:30 p.m. haircut. Nice connection with gay man who preceded me. Nice talking with Jun as usual. See Jun running to his car afterward. He was all smiles. Go to Safeway. #43 home. As I walk toward my apartment, run into #308 for firs time since July 30. I didn’t recognize him ’til he turned in to his doorway.

October 8 dream:  Hanz and me and Bob Meslinsky get up on painter’s platform. Then jump down to get supplies before we go back up.

October 8 dream:  City College wouldn’t let ma back in. Then I remembered I already had a BA degree from UC.

October 7, 2022:  Sarah and I meet online for Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. In ’til 4ish. K to W.P. Lots of nasty, loud kids on train. Go to Peet’s. Stephanie and 2 or 3 other baristas there. Go to W.P. library. Decide not to take K to Castro. Take K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Du, a new cashier. Insight: Masseur hier said I had inflammation. Inflammation is the body’s effort to get rid of something. Maybe what I’m trying to get rid of (and have been trying for some 20 years to get rid of) is John.

October 7 dream:  Young squeaky woman comes in to do operation on my penis on Saturday. Suddenly the office is full of workers. She had to make sure the hole in my penis was still working.

October 7 dream:  I brought white T-shirt to Prosperos center and told them they could use it however they wanted. I wanted to help publicize them. Visit Grand Canyon-type place. Lots of tourists. See co-worker from DOJ. Then Carol Carter. She shows me into room where The Prosperos is having its annual banquet. Perry Dickey is the sole person in the room when I arrive.

October 6, 2022:  Wake up feeling sexually playful. Extinction Rebellion Empathy Circle form 10 a.m. to noon. Six of us. In ’til 1 p.m. Walk to G.P. Massage at East West Integrative with Tate. It was good. Tomorrow I will call Menhong. Go to C.B. The female owner’s beautiful son shoed up. I tried to catch his attention but he ignored me. Walk thru G.C.P. Sean’s garage open on Amethyst Way. Didn’t see him though. Go to M.S. Check out with Ian. He told me he likes to go to the Pharaoh resto on Geary, which is exactly across the street from where I used to live. #43 home.

October 6 dream:  We left somebody behind so we’re going after him. (h.o.)

October 6 dream:  Some drama at high school I am assigned to. Two of us rush there. There is a high-water creek flowing next to school. We dive in. Some other police are already holding some people. Earlier I had been waiting for someone to show up at the school I was originally assigned to.

October 6 dream:  At party in N.Y. Hot young guru talking about seeing an entity and that he thought it was from God. At first, I heard him say that it meant he didn’t believe in God. So, after asking for Calvin’s help, I tracked him down to get it right.

October 5, 2022:  Online work. Nap. Jerk off. In ’til 4:30ish. K to W.P. Kai and Faisal and Bruce at Peet’s. Find out Kai is studying film at SFSU. He gives me some films that he likes. East West Integrative calls me and I set up appointment tomorrow for massage. Decide not to take K to Castro today. On K home remember the old metaphysical adage to “Drop your bucket where you are” as I pass new Menhong building on Ocean. Get excited about their website when I get home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: A disharmonious psyche can lead to a disharmonious manifestation in one’s body or one’s affairs. Conclusion: The mind of Truth (my Mind) is entirely harmonious, entirely graspable, entirely doable.

October 4, 2022:  #29 and #38 to VA for shoe appointment with my favorite shoe doctor (other than Dr. Mah). We had a great conversation about old Victorian houses which he restores. Walk to Chinese “cupping” place on Irving. They are closed for 2nd day in a row. Stop by Chinese bakery to visit my Asian friend. Take N to Cole Valley. Go to Peet’s. Get sandwich from Luke’s for 2nd day in a row. Really happy to see my favorite sandwich maker and vice versa. Get anonymous call while in line at Luke’s. A very crowded #43 home. Sweet young high school guy offers me his seat, which I accept. He’s wearing a University of Maryland sweatshirt with a fighting turtle on his chest. I ask him if that’s a turtle. He says it’s a terrapin.

October 4 dream:  Getting paper ready for next edition. Our boss is a woman named Marion. I’m 2nd in charge.

October 4 dream:  Emceeing program that has something to do with my mother’s death.

October 4 dream:  Move into strangely creepy building with many floors and room and hallways. Just as we get it going again, word is given me that the landlord has arrived. I tell everyone to prepare for battle.

October 4 dream:  Something about Salem on the West Coast.

October 4 dream:  I’m about to lead my “troops” onto trail. Drink most of us were given may be laced with drugs.

October 4 dream:  Man interviewing “George 20” (George W. Bush). Man asks, “You didn’t become quite the bachelor, did you?” He gets defensive.

October 3, 2022:  In ’til 11:30. #29 to VA. Cute guy who got on with me gets off at Stonestown. Hawk on telephone pole on Sunset. (*Relates to anonymous call on October 4, I think.) Get off #38 early to talk to guy washing his VW on 38th Avenue. Then really good-looking construction worker on 38th Avenue who tries not to look at me. PT appointment with Carol at VA. Take pee next to butch guy. I withhold my pee to make him feel more manly. Then rush thru G.G. Park to Irving Street for shiatsu appointment. Turns out I made appointment at wrong place. Stop by Chinese bakery to see my Asian friend. Take N to Cole Valley. Go to Peet’s. Then get Vietnamese sandwich from my favorite sandwich maker at Luke’s. Wait for #43. It never comes. So I take #6. As I walk towards guy who reminds me of Chris H., my first boyfriend, other guy catches my eye. I talk with him briefly. As soon as I get off #6, #43 arrives right behind it.

October 3 dream:  Visit Dame Judy Dench at her big barn of a house along with a little baby, and it’s almost Wednesday, the day I agreed to take off. I mention this to Judy. She says nothing. Other guy says to someone else who was about to take off, “You’ve got to wait for the polling.”

October 3 dream:  Thane giving a two lesson Translation class.

October 2, 2022:  Sarah calls in a.m. Walk to 7-11. Notice Rajat’s deer tattoo on his middle finger. Take K to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s. I just order my drink but I can’t hide my excitement at seeing him again. (*Relates to shits from hier about the same time, I think.) High school student Evan also there. We had talked before about Grace Cathedral, his church. He’s a student at Urban High School in the Haight. He told me about the book Absolam, Absolam! by William Faulkner. Daniel there unexpectedly. He just stepped in for something to eat. On leaving, Sergio tells me it’s Nedim, not Nemid. Oh, well. Take K to Castro. Castro Street Fair wrapping up. Good to see so many people out and about. Just like the good ole days. Shirtless Asian guy leaning up against a post, smiling as I admire his physique. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. K home. Stop in at W.F. Check out with JoJo. He asks me, “What are you doing for the rest of your evening?” I thought he said, “What are you doing for the next few evenings?”

October 2 nap dream:  I went over to somebody’s house to get all the things she had taken from me. She gave them all back, but somehow took them back again. So I headed back to her house. (*Relates to anonymous call from October 3 which I presumed was from John and totally upended my thinking about Sergio, I think.)

October 2 dream:  Sent out mailing to entire membership. Run out of labels half way thru.

October 2 dream:  Owner of store above us agrees to let me pack up my suitcase of stuff. In the larger world, Charles has agreed to negotiate.

October 2 dream:  We transfer room into place where Trump can take his women. We bring in plants and a cat and a dog. He visits. I say, “We could even bring in your first wife.” Can’t remember her name. Someone tells me it’s Joys.

October 1, 2022:  Intro Empathy Circle from 10 a.m. to noon. 11 attended. I facilitated one of the breakout groups. Do bills and monthly BB. Take nap. Walk to G.P. Lee at liquor store. He talks about opera Anthony and Cleopatra. Feel sudden shits coming on. Rush to library. Take shits. Walk thru G.C.P. Almost trip on exiting. Then see Janet, the Coyote Lady. She smiles at me. Go to S.B. Chat briefly with Armando about aliens. I say, “If they are here, they need to step up.” He agrees. Go to M.S. See “Sir Allen” but only from the back. Follow biracial guy I like to #43 bus stop and take bus with him all the way to my stop and his. Insight: After I buy matcha latte from Armando, I take a sip and know it’s going to cause me pain if I drink the whole thing. So I put it down, but it feels like I’m betraying somebody.

September 30, 2022:  Get up at 7:30 a.m. for VA appointment at 9:30. Then shiatsu on Balboa Street. I wasn’t too impressed. They said I should leave a 20% tip. I left $5. Then walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. See my Asian bakery friend. Then N to Cole Valley. Guy sitting across from me put on a show, stretching and exposing his stomach. He never looked me in the eye but we certainly made a connection. Go to Peet’s. Then #43 home. Beautiful, gentle, dark-skinned guy sits across from me. At one point, we furtively connect. He gets off at CCSF stop as do I. Make massage appointment for Monday at more reputable-looking place on Irving Street.

September 30 dream:  Change my name back from Mike Love to Mike Zonta. Need to keep my aunt informed about my progress. Applying for a job.

September 29, 2022:  Extinction Rebellion Empathy Circle from 10 a.m. to noon. Four of us attend. Share my moments of self-observation with the group. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Nemid and Daniel there. Quiet day. K to Castro. Go to Buffalo Whole Food. Then M.S. in the Castro. Then Buffalo again. Walk up 19th Street to Kite Hill. Murder of crows on Kite Hill. I think this probably relates to John trying to connect with me. As I’m thinking this, man smiles at me. Up Market to #48. Hot blond guy sitting in back seats with his legs open. I sit near him. He’s ruggedly dressed but he has a pretty face. At one point he looks back at me and I pretend to be unimpressed. Take M and K home. Take photo of guy’s van. He smiles at me.

September 29 dream:  They are taking away some of the queen’s stuff in a truck. W.C. Fields helps out. They are trying to escape America.

September 28, 2022:  Go to VA for 1:30 appointment with Wilson Fong. Go to La Promenade Café after. Then walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Go to Asian bakery to see my friend from September 6. He’s still cute. Still sweet. Still hot. Run into Bruce at Beanery on 9th Avenue. #43 to Safeway. Check out with Sally. #43 again. Nice young long-haired CCSF student exits at Judson. I didn’t even get a chance to see his face. Though I did hear his voice thanking the bus driver as he exited. Feel bad that I didn’t get to connect with him.

September 28 dream:  Black woman telling me what it’s like to be black. At one point she starts crying. I think I should get up and embrace her but I realize it’s a dream. Also at one point, she had only one eye in the center of her forehead.

September 28 dream:  Go to big annual celebration of ship being turned around in port to block something. Lots of huge-wheeled vehicles driving into the water. Lots of black people.

September 28 dream:  Run into Alan Dunstan in factory. He’s a little taller and better-looking. After, several of us go out to eat. And my friend wants “Alan” to hook up with other guy.

September 27, 2022:  In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Meet Nalin on K train. He’s a freshman at Lick Wilmerding. He asked me about my camera. Turns out he also takes photos, mostly in black & white. We exchanged websites. Daniel and Nedim at Peet’s. Nedim goes to Bosnia on Saturday. Daniel busy. Guy in light blue shirt. (*Relates to last dream of September 26, I think.) Take K to Castro. Up 19th Street to Market to M.S. #43 home. Sit next to long-haired Asian guy in black shorts. Insight: The joy and terror from September 25 may be similar to the joy and terror I experienced with John in January of ’87 at the Unitarian Church. I always thought it was my terror of getting together with John that I experienced that day. Maybe in that moment of merge with John, I was experiencing John’s terror of getting together with me.

September 27 dream:  Guy murders someone and then apologies twice.

September 27 dream:  Wealthy associate is going away soon [It’s February in the dream] and won’t be back ’til November. He wants me to take care of something at The Prosperos.

September 26, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nemid, Diego, nice barista at Peet’s. K to Castro. Up 19th Street to Market. As I’m thinking about getting umbilical hernia operation, handsome guy smiles at me. #48 to W.P. Sit next to very cute young skateboarder. I guess he’s used to guys looking at him ’cause he tries co cover his face. K home. Briefly miss my father in p.m.

September 26 dream:  Introducing Dan Rule to presidential candidate as possible VP candidate. Everyone has their masks on. (h.o.)

September 26 dream:  Woman I’m working for puts down $500, $50 and $50 donations ’cause she wants to stop the program she’s working on.

September 26 dream:  Joe Ciriello/Barry Bram working for S.F. Examiner delivery. I ask for a paper and talk to Barry for a while.

September 26 dream:  Thane at classroom. Also tall young man in scrubs who was trying to ignore me. (*Relates to young man in light blue shirt at Peet’s on September 27?)

September 25, 2022:  Online work. Nap. In ’til 3:45ish. Wait for K. See good-looking guy adjust his pants. Decide to follow him. Lose him but run into Joan from W.G. on next K train. She’s reading book called I’m Glad My Mom Died. Kai, Nemid and Evan at Peet’s. I didn’t get a change to speak with Evan. Take K to Castro. It’s Folsom Street Fair day. Shortly after passing 440 Club feel sudden surge of joy like I want to jump up and down. In retrospect I think John saw me and I unconsciously was aware of him. I reacted with joy. He reacted with terror. (*Relates to rat on Gennessee hier scurrying into side of home, I think.) Walk up 19th Street and Market to #48. Pretty woman smiles at me. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. I ask him how late they stay open. He thought I was asking how late he’d be there.

September 25 dream:  I am ready. I am able. Someone else says to her, “You are anti-life.” She was trying to do something she was not ready for.

September 25 dream:  At bottom of form, I am informed in writing that I will become a Judge.

September 25 dream:  Very high tide. George McGovern yelling instructions at me which I don’t understand and don’t make sense. Somebody comes to my assistance.

September 24, 2022:  Intro Empathy Circle from 10 a.m. to noon. Ten of us. Great session. Online work. Nap. In ’til 4ish. Walk to G.P. Too late for C.B. Daniel (aka Leila) there. Go to library. Male librarian says, “Thanks, Michael” which kind of undoes me. Walk thru G.C.P. Annoying woman on cellphone. Then see another which turns into a young couple embracing each other. They smiles at me. I say, “Hello.” My pelvic pain has started up again. So does my feeling of being “in love” with John. Realize pelvic pain may be my body’s way of telling to get away from this guy. Go to S.B. Meet Armando, baristo who is studying astrophysics at SOTA. Go to M.S. Then #43 home. Interesting black guy gets off at Ridgewood stop. I get off to follow him. I follow him down Gennessee ’til he turns off. See rat scurrying into alley at home on Gennessee.

September 24 dream:  One Empathy Circle ends and another with the same people begins. (h.o.)

September 24 dream:  New dorm-mate brings in a lot of people, takes up a lot of space. I’m looking for lubricant to jerk off with. Finally find it. Also start talking to cute young guy who tells me about job he’s looking for.

September 24 dream:  I’m handing out tests to everyone. The tests look like my self-published book Adventures in Equality.

September 23, 2022:  Sarah calls in a.m. She and Jonathan are in Oklahoma City now. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s. I had expected Daniel to be there since he told me that he would be. But I think Daniel and Sergio are somehow one entity. As I’m leaving, I talk with Kai. Sergio comes up. I’m talking about the ivy plant. “Even though it looks pretty dry, there are some green shoots showing,” I say. Kai tells me “Valentine” was the person who is taking care of the plant. As I exit, homeless man with his ass out exits before me. (*I think the coyote from G.C.P. on September 21 relates to both Daniel and Sergio. When the coyote was calmly walking around, that was Daniel on September 22. When the coyote laid down in the grass, that was Sergio on September 23.) Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Up 19th Street to Market to #48. Loud teenage girls sitting behind me on #48. K home. Check out with Cole at W.F.

September 23 dream:  New couple instructed. Young woman tried to tell them what to wear. I’m afraid they’ll try to kill her.

September 23 dream:  Jewess cyclist trying to give advice to someone.

September 23 dream:  New crew brought in at work. “Are we being too serious?”

September 22, 2022:  Finally connect with Extinction Rebellion Empathy Circle briefly. Will attend next Thursday. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Daniel surprises me at Peet’s. I didn’t think he ‘d be there. We commiserated about the death of the Queen. Later he takes a photo of the two of us and sends it to me. (*Relates to coyote from hier, in part, I think.) Bruce there too. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. Girl at 14th Avenue smiles at me. I sit near her on K. When there are only two of us left on train, she grabs her purse. I did a little dance as I exited the train. Shits on getting home.

September 22 dream:  Move in with a sort of diva. Can’t find my pants. There’s broken glass on the floor. She’s in the bathroom. I want to take a bath. I ask her if she minds me using the bathroom when she is. She’s brushing her teeth.

September 22 dream:  Male nurse shot, but laying down chewing gum. EMT Marlon Wayans crying hysterically.

September 21, 2022:  John calls in a.m. (*See nap dream of September 20.) In ’til 3:15ish. Walk to G.P. Go to Cafe Bello. Then library. Walk thru G.C.P. See coyote very calming walking, then lying down. #52 to Forest Hill. K home. Young Asian guy on K who I cruise. We both get off at same spot. I stand behind him for a few moments. Then he takes off running. Nice grocery clerk at W.F. who helped me find salt-free cashews. Check out with taciturn Jade.

September 21 dream:  It’s a nice day. We’re about to leave. I say, “I’m going to jump in the pool.” Someone says, “Mike, don’t.” I jump in. It’s nice. Some woman is swimming right towards me. So I hop out.

September 20, 2022:  Up early. Online work. Nap. In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Three high school boys talking about cooking lasagna. Daniel, Nemid, Numan at Peet’s. Daniel wishes me a “good rest of your day” as I leave, which is a little cooler than his usual farewell. I think it relates to me saying I was going to go to the Castro hier. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Up 19th Street to Market to #48. Sit near cute young guy with his legs spread apart. K home. Cute Asian boy leading his father or grandfather around. W.F. Stand in line with new cashier I had never met before. Get sandwich from place down the road. Email VA about my umbilical hernia. (Is this the sign of a rebirth?)

September 20 nap dream:  Small dog and cat with bloody mouth confront each other face to face. Eventually they kiss. Later some cats try to take my lunch. (*First part relates to me walking by 440 Club on September 20 and second part relates to John calling me on September 21, I think.)

September 20 dream:  Me and another guy are supposed to judge Jordan Peterson.

September 20 dream:  Attend class, then 2nd class. Get so excited about the 2nd class, I forget the 3rd class. Facilitator wants me to join his class again on Monday.

September 20 dream:  Two female sex workers come to our room. My friend pulls a curtain around his bed. There is a female assistant who at one point winks at one of the sex workers. I think, “That woman is the sexist thing that has happened.” We both (my male friend and I) have papier-mâché bracelets on.

September 19, 2022:  Insight: Realize John is in my life to get me to acknowledge that I am a psychopath just like he is. Of course, my psychopathy is well-hidden, but that doesn’t mean it’s not still there. Witness my reaction (or lack thereof) to my mother’s death. So how does someone who claims to come from God become a psychopath? By using my claimed association with God as an excuse to disassociate from everybody else. Also, when my father allegedly molested me, I didn’t have to dissociate ’cause I was already disassociated. In ’til 3ish. Take K to W.P. See young man on Ocean Avenue. Get off K at Junipero Serra. Guy has T-shirt saying “Respect not Drama.” It was designed by his brother Hans, he told me. Walk up to W.P. Follow skateboarder to Eezy-Freezy. Strike up conversation with young cashier there. Daniel, Stephanie and other baristas at Peet’s. I give Daniel flashlight I got at Cliff’s. He gives me free drink. He sort of invites me back tomorrow. I say that I have to go to the library tomorrow. But I think I’ll go to Peet’s instead. Bruce there also. K to Castro. Get pizza at Marcello’s. Not very good. Walk up Market to M.S. Check out with Ian. Guy on #43 who I followed a bit after we both exit at same stop. He has a great ass. Insight: Expression “thorn in my side” may relate to my pelvic pain  [I originally wrote psychic pain.].

September 19 nap dream after September 19 insight:  Go to family reunion. My father is there with Harriet. We don’t speak about anything in particular, but we do get along. At one point I think, “Should we be talking about anything?” But I don’t think we needed to. I walk out with my grandfather, but I’m not sure who he was the father to.

September 19 dream:  Bob Dylan looks really young as I meet him briefly.

September 18, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk on Ocean. Follow cute Asian guy all the way to Junipero Serra Blvd. He gets on K as do I. Go to W.P. Kai and Nemid at Peet’s. Begin to feel “shitty.” Decide to take K home. Stop by W.F. Check out with Cole. Shits on getting home about 6 p.m. Work on book.

September 17, 2022:  See photo in the Chron of woman grieving ’cause her son is off to college. Think of my step-mother Harriet. Feel bad she never got the opportunity to feel that. In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Daniel and Stephanie at Peet’s. Daniel broke the flashlight I gave him on the 13th. Take K to Castro. Run into Christian on Castro not far from 440 Club. We talk for quite a while. While we are talking I think how I’d much rather be talking to him than talking to John. At one point in the conversation, Duchess, the female dog, kind of goes crazy chasing her tail. After, go to Cliff’s to buy new flashlight for Daniel. Later go back into Cliff’s to briefly follow beautiful young man. Walk up Market to M.S. Start thinking maybe I should have asked Christian and his dogs to spend the night since it’s supposed to rain. Got burrito from burrito lady. #43 home. Decide I did okay with Christian by not inviting him home. I think I wasn’t there to give him shelter from the rain. I was there to give him something else.

September 17 dream:  Working at new job with boss I don’t particularly like. I was supposed to do some photocopying. But she gives me document with carbon copies.

September 17 dream:  Weight down to 120.

September 17 dream:  Some friends of mine trick me into shooting an arrow at something.

September 17 dream:  P.O. Is flooded . I go upstairs where they used to sell stamps. It’s a DVD store now. Guy says, “You American?” I say, “You’re not American?” he says, “No, I’m batman.”

September 16, 2022:  Headline for cycling video refers to “bodies, bikes and groovy music.” I’m  triggered that men are being objectified for their sexual attractiveness. Feel hurt. Then ask I myself, “What else do you feel?” Then I get mad. Then I get anonymous phone call. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to Cafe Bello. Listen to YT about empathy circles. Lou talks about giving up sugar and losing 16 pounds which inspires me to do likewise. I only quit smoking back in the ’80s ’cause it hurt my lungs. Now I guess my body is telling me I need to quit sugar as well. I am resistant ’cause I think I should be allowed to smoke and eat what I want. Why do I have to be different from everybody else? (*See 2nd dream of September 15.) Walk thru G.C.P. See snake with yellow stripe on its back. Meet architecture student from SOTA while waiting for #43. #43 home. Go to W.F. Check out with Min. He tells me it’s his last day. Having no more connections at W.F., does this mean it’s time for me to move on?

September 16 dream:  At medical conference in some hotel. Forgot my room number. The remembered it was probably on my key. (h.o.)

September 16 dream (cont.):  Guy talking about me says, “I don’t mind him. I do have a problem with his wife.” She’s from Xavier University. (*I think the wife he is referring to is John.}

September 15, 2022:  Extinction Rebellion Empathy Circle unreachable for 2nd week in a row. Online work. Sarah calls. She upsets me. I don’t think she even know that I’m gay. Nap. Walk to W.G. K to W.P. Bruce at Peet’s. He tells me Fred Cline is okay and back home with a live-in care giver named Jim. K to Castro. Attractive young Asian guy at Market & Castro. Walk up Market. #48 to W.P. K home.

September 15 dream:  Ben shows me a copy of the program for Assembly for next year. I’m really excited to attend. (h.o.)

September 15 dream:  Climbing down a hodge-podge of pillars made of styrofoam-type material. One of the climbers knocked one of the pillars over. Some pillars are more sturdy than others. John is supposed to be down on the ground somewhere. (*I think this relates to some conclusions I came to recently about my pelvic pain. See diary of September 11.)

September 15 dream:  I am the astronaut who flew around the moon in order to pick up the two other astronauts who had landed on the moon.

September 14, 2022:  Empathy Circle production team from 9 a.m. to 10:40ish. Six or seven attended. Online work. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.G. K to W.P. No Sergio. No Daniel. Read more from Rimbaud. Take K to Castro. Walk up Market. Cute guy in hoodie. #52 and K home. Shits on arriving home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: My body is more intelligent than my intellect. Conclusion: Being smart is natural and painless to all. Feel that applies to me feeling more intelligent than my father and trying desperately to hide that from him. Hear on New Amsterdam: “I’ve heard death described as the introduction of ink into water.”

September 14 nap dream:  Woman I assist got in argument with Melissa over her mini skirt and a skirt she had borrowed from Melissa’s mother. I threw away the garbage, but looked through it to make sure I didn’t throw away anything valuable.

September 14 dream:  Bus driving north to Santa Cruz almost drives off the road into the ocean as the road slowly disappears.

September 13, 2022:  In ’til 3:15ish. Hot friendly floor installer on elevator. Walk to W.G. K to W.P. Sergio and Daniel at Peet’s. They give me a whole lemon cake whose expiration date is tomorrow. As I leave, I give Daniel a small flashlight which I got in the mail. I told him he could use it to write down his dreams at night. As I reached doorway, I turned around and said good-bye to Sergio. Take K to Castro. Give lemon cake to homeless guy who smiled at me. Up 19th Street to Market. Boy riding his bike rides up to me and points out his house to me. #48 to W.P. Young Japanese guy standing behind me at Muni stop disappears when I look around later. K home. Go to W.F. Then McD. Stand next to sweet guy in line whose partner is waiting for him at a table. Update: Am I mad at John? No. Who else would have been able to show me the relationship I had with my father: my childish expectation of having an adult relationship with him.

September 13 dream:  Put document in fax again to find out where it came from.

September 13 dream:  MYOTTC or some such initials.

September 13 dream:  Doing interviews with in French on music scene which we knew nothing about.

September 13 dream:  Facilitator isn’t listening to me.

September 13 dream:  My roommate has allowed ants to invade our room.

September 13 dream:  Get some ear wax out of left ear.

September 12, 2022:  Intro Empathy Circle from 10 a.m. to noon. Good group. Six of us attended, including Selene and Renato. Renato brought up the subject of suicide. In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to 7-11. See Rajat. K to W.P. Douglas and Daniel at Peet’s. I give Douglas copy of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. I think we were both thrilled. Later talk with Daniel. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Take photo of sign on the ground reading “HUNGry.” Homeless guy smiles at me. Then waiter outside resto smiles at me. In next block outside diner says to me, “Make sure you have your keys.” Walk up 19th Street to Market to M.S. See “Sir Allen.” Check out with Ian who told me he just got back from UFC match in Vegas. I ask him if he saw Joe Rogan. He says he did. #43 home. Update: Now my body, more and more, is beginning to feel like my own, not John’s, not my father’s.

September 12 dream:  Take a trip to Portland, Oregon.

September 11, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.G. Nice female cashier and cute male customer. K to W.P. Stephanie at Peet’s. K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Lots of people waiting in line at Castro Theatre. Walk up 19th Street to Market Street. Catch #48 to W.P. K home. Insight: Realize cause of my pelvic pain is not my father, not my distant past. It’s my relationship with John. Later realize my body has been trying to give me this message since 1997 or so, that my fantasy of having a sexual relationship with John is not a viable option. Thus the pelvic pain. (*See first dream of September 10 about sweeping up human shit. Also to first dream of September 9 about a malevolent presence in my house [my psyche and/or my body].) Does this mean I also was holding a torch for my father, which I can now extinguish? I think so.

September 11 dream:  Trying to make a call to Sacramento with somebody with a 213 area code, our local S.F. area code.

September 11 dream:  Guy buys dinner for me and a friend at expensive resto.

September 11 dream:  Go to friend of Thane’s house. I ask for an Old Fashioned. He gives me a drink. I take it.

September 11 dream:  At party in Laguna Beach in ’69. Cree asks me if I want to go out.

September 11 dream:  Have a sort of intervention. My friends tell me I need a more structured (or less structured ) relationship.

September 10, 2022:  Online work. Nap. In’ til 3:30ish. Decide to wear my “Save the Bees” T-shirt which I bought in support of Sergio’s “Save the Bees” T-shirt. (*See diary of July 11.) Walk to 7-11. Talk with Rajat. K to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s for 3rd day in a row. I didn’t know he’d be there but wore my T-shirt for his benefit. We talked briefly and later he passed by me with my jacket off several times, exposing the “Save the Bees” logo. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Then double back to follow cute guy. Pass 440 Club again. Take photo of Sutro Tower. Homeless guy says, “Don’t do that.” I say, “Why not?” He says, “”Cause it’s rude.” When I don’t respond, he says, “Baby Boomer!” Walk up Market to burrito lady. #43 home. Insight: First dream of last nite (September 9) relates to getting out of the house of John’s influence, his power over me, which power I ceded to him just like I ceded my power to my father.

September 10 dream:  Guy sweeping up human shit on floor of Indian (the country) building. I wish they would finish this part of the “movie.” (See diary of September 11.)

September 10 dream:  Tom’s oldest young son says to me, “Maybe we could do something together, like Pop Warner baseball.” My heart sinks ’cause I’m not very good at baseball. I say, “Sure, but first we have to find [the family dog].” We see a lot of dogs that took scruffy, white and small.

September 10 dream:  Drive to new neighborhood in S.F. I say, “OK guys, this is our new neighborhood, if you want.” Someone else says, “It took years to get this way.” There was slush on the ground. A couple of old church buildings. One woman says, “This is where I sent the package.” We go into restroom. Stall door open. I head in. Then catch myself. I say, “I don’t know why I always go into an open door.” Then everyone (mostly girls) start giggling. I wonder if I’m supposed to join them.

September 9, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Just Sarah and me. In ’til 3:30ish Walk to Jules. K to W.P. Sergio and Daniel at Peet’s. Don’t talk much with either. As I leave, I say good-bye to Daniel, knowing I’m saying good-bye to Sergio as well. K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Up 19th Street and Market to M.S. Go to checkout line. Put my groceries down. Then see “Sir Allen” at adjoining checkout stand. Take my groceries off the belt and go to his checkout stand. #43 home. Bill Chiles email talked about the importance of the North Node in the Queen’s chart. So I looked up mine. It’s 21 degrees Gemini, which explains the Bathtub Bulletin for one thing. Insight: I was never all there ’til I met Thane. My defense in a world l didn’t trust was to withdraw.

September 9 dream:  Rerun dream. The house is being taken over by an invisible malevolent force or at least it’s invisible. At the end, mother and daughter escape but a tree grows just outside the gate instead of the stump which had been there before. It felt like we had to get out of there or it would kill us.

September 9 dream:  Talk to guy on bench who said he would have gotten in there and hit the demonstrators.

September 9 dream:  He lunged at me. I took my shirt off. And he lunged at me.

September 8, 2022:  Get up early for me. Online work. Tried to attend Extinction Rebellion empathy circle at 10 a.m. my time, but they never started the meeting. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Insight: People sometimes dissociate during a trauma. On the other hand, most of us are already dissociated from our divinity. Walk to 7-11. Talk briefly with Rajat. Walk to W.P. Sergio, Bruce, Faisal at Peet’s. Don’t speak much at all with Sergio. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Take #35 to G.P. Walk to Safeway. Meet beautiful Hawaiian surfer (at least that’s what his T-shirt said). Get in checkout line behind him. Watch his mouth and eyes smile at me, if only indirectly. #43 home.

September 8 dream:  Talk to brown-haired John. He half-listens. Then rides off on his bike.

September 8 dream:  Caught in the act. I’m jerking off. My roommate comes home unexpectedly. I cover up quickly and say, “Caught in the act.”

September 8 dream:  I take pee a floor above where my step-mother Harriet comes over. Later see older woman with dress on which looks like stone column nearby.

September 7, 2022:  Empathy Circle production team from 9 to 11 a.m. People questioned my idea that empathy circles can be used for self-observation and self-transcendence. Edwin said, “We’re not going to give a ‘trigger warning,’” as if that was what I was advocating. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then library. Walk thru G.C.P. Catch #48. See “Shiatsu” in store window as we pass. Will follow up on that. Catch K in W.P. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Trauma can cause major health issues. Conclusion: Truth is unfazed, indiscriminate wholeness.

September 7 dream:  Rush to catch bullet train. Just miss it for 2nd time. Guy talks to woman in French. I can almost understand it. Tiny prick of blood on my finger.

September 7 dream:  Switch girlfriends with my best friend. Three couples attending same graduation event.

September 6, 2022:  Buddy call with Colin in Berlin at 11 a.m. my time, 8 p.m. his time. We are both interested in the concept of self-empathy. Take #29 and #38 to VA for chest X-ray followup. See “Waterloo” on the way. Leave my phone on my seat on my way off of #29. Fellow passenger points it out to me. Several loud, rowdy, rude kids on way. I think that relates to my experience at the VA. Go to La Promenade Café. Nice young guy sitting next to me. Walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Walk up Irving to 9th Avenue. Buy Asian pastry from cute Asan man with mask and apron on. We smile with our eyes. Run into another hot guy on Irving. Then a tall, handsome, well-dressed young man in front of cellphone store. He ignores me. Hear a loud argument or fight as I pass resto on Irving. Turn corner at 9th Avenue. Run into Bruce at table outside the Beanery. He tells me Fred Cline has had a stroke and is in the hospital. #43 home. Go to Pakwan. My friend serves me. Watch Melancholia movie in p.m. Remember I had seen it before. This time it meant something to me.

September 6 dream:  In the dream I knew this was a rerun. Detective investigates crime. Begins his interrogation with a flare and applause from those who know him.

September 5, 2022:  Intro Empathy Circle from 10 a.m. to noon. Very spirited conversation, starting with Valerie saying she didn’t believe in time. That excited me ’cause I had just posted a blog on the BB about Parmenides which said the same thing. So a synchronistic moment. In ’til 3ish. Walk to 7-11. Talk with Rajat. He tells me my lotto ticket is not a winner. K to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. Talked briefly with him. Bruce there also. K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Up 19th Street to Market to M.S. “Sir Allen” and I greet each other. Check out with Ian. #43 home.

September 5 dream:  Reading magazine in front yard of somebody’s house. Couple of other people doing that as well. The owner looks out the window. I decide it’s time to leave. Run into guy who wants to talk to me.

September 5 dream:  L.A. trying to claim all its contingent parts. Me wiping my ass.

September 5 dream:  Chicago town.

September 4, 2022:  Online work. Take hour nap. Wake up twice gasping for air. (*Relates to first dream of September 2, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to 7-Eleven. Buy paper. Talk with Rajat. K to W.P. Douglas and Nemid at Peet’s. Quiet day. Read “Colorado State routed” in newspaper. Take K to Castro. Lock eyes with blue-eyed guy just ahead of 440 Club. Up 19th Street and Market. #48 to W.P. K home. Check out with Jade at W.F.

September 3, 2022:  Final day of Empathy Circle facilitation training from 9:30 a.m. to 1 p.m. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Daniel and Stephanie and new barista at Peet’s. Douglas comes in briefly on his day off and gets a Danish. Business was slow. Daniel and Stephanie and new barista all come over to my table. Barista made us all small little strawberry frappés. Daniel is calling himself Tyre$e today. Tyre$e has lots of money. On my way out, I share my Empathy Circle YouTube video with Tyre$e. He says, “I didn’t know you were famous.” I say, “I didn’t know you were rich.” Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. K home.

September 3 dream:  Thane about to start class. Guy sitting next to me starts giggling. Hopes I’ll join in.

September 3 dream:  Cleaning up my room. Getting ready for something.

September 3 dream:  I found out that Mary Ritley committed suicide.

September 3 dream:  William Fennie’s talk is pretty well-attended.

September 2, 2022:  Get up early for me. In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Douglas and Sergio and Nemid at Peet’s. At one point it looked like Sergio touched Douglas in an intimate way and my mind took off. They were sleeping together and I was intensely jealous and angry, mostly at Sergio. As I leave, Douglas says good-bye. I was trying to leave without being noticed. Take K to Castro. See “Not So.” Feel bouncy happy. Think it relates to young man waiting outside for a haircut. I talk to him briefly. My happiness was not related to him. So I assume it related to John at 440 Club. Walk up 19th Street to Market. Wait for bus with young boy. I say, “Are you waiting for the #52?” He says he is. But then, after we both got on, he says, “Is this the #52? I need the #48.” So he gets off at next stop. Take K from Forest Hill. Go to W.F. Check out with Min. He tries to ignore me again. In p.m. feel in love with both Sergio and Douglas. Kahlil Gibran said it this way: “To know the pain of too much tenderness.”

September 2 dream:  Getting in fight with someone as we were trying to get started.

September 2 dream:  Meeting someone at Clayton and Market bus stop.

September 1, 2022:  Call Symetra to close my account. Feels good to take control of my own money. Bills. Monthly BB. Nap. Walk to 7-Eleven. See Rajat. K to W.P. See job ad for Marcello’s Pizza on telephone pole. Interpret that to mean I should go to the Castro. Faisal (Baristo #3) at Peet’s. Also cute young skateboarder who I intentionally sit near. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 19th Street. Pass man in tight shorts looking for sex. Then pass somebody who looks sort of like John but older, heavier, more effeminate. But he did have John’s shit-eating grin shining through his eyes. Not sure if it was “real” John or tulpa John. (*Relates to shits from hier at 6:30 p.m., I think.) Walk up 19th Street to Market to M.S. #43 home. Smile at #429 lady as she descends stairway.

September 1 dream:  Really good-looking guy getting on merry-go-round.

August 31, 2022:  Empathy Circle production team on Zoom from 9 a.m. to 11 a.m. 9 or so attend. Nap. In’ til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Bruce and Baristo #3 at Peet’s. Take shits there about 5:30ish. (*Relates to John reading diary from August 29?) Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Take shits again when I get home around 6:30 p.m. (*Relates to seeing John-like guy on 19th Street on September 1?) Translate in p.m. Sense testimony:  I am a slave to my father. Conclusion: Truth is infinite being in the present tense, fatherless, motherless, childless, endless.

August 31 dream:  Building nest in Berkeley. It’s to help with the water situation. Nancy Pelosi is against it but will take credit afterwards. (h.o.)

August 31 dream:  Helping gal get into her apartment and she is helping me. We have to climb over lots of things. She says to me, “I hope you’re having a good time.” I laugh, “I’m having a ball.” Guy wants us to go out and get supplies. We’ll have to go the wrong way on the freeway for a while,

August 31 dream:  Some local Malanaphy kids find some baby orcas in a pond and took about half of them to a pond nearer to them. Later they showed me permission papers from the Navy. I say, “I remember when I thought it was so cool to type.”

August 30, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Bernie barista there. Go to G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Start feeling pelvic pain. Come up with sense testimony: “I am a slave to my father.” Looking forward to Translate that. Get #48. Lots of loud young black women. Wait for K in W.P. See homeless person on the ground across the street. Other guy and I wonder what’s up with him. I go over to talk with him. Turns out he’s a she. Other guy follows me over. We try to help her. Finally she gets up on her own. Take M, then K home.

August 30 dream:  We’re doing empathy circles one by one. (h.o.)

August 29, 2022:  Intro Empathy Circle from 10 a.m. to noon. Ivan Ames attends. Says he heard about it from John. I think he was referring to my John. (*Relates to mouse scurrying across upper Market Street hier, I think.) At end of our session I say, “It took a long time, but I feel heard.” I was addressing the group but I think it might also be applicable to my relationship with John. Later have buddy call with Jonathan in the East Bay. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Douglas and Baristo #3 at Peet’s. Finish Galaxy. Not impressed. Take K to Castro. See “Useful.” Walk past 440 Club. Then up 19th Street and Market to M.S. Check out with Ian. #43 home. Black guy with low-rise pants on bus. W.F. Check out with Harrold. In p.m. think about marrying John. Lights in apartment flicker.

August 29 dream:  Guy trying to make extra-linear connection. (h.o.)

August 29 dream:  People who were firing me wanted me to sign all sorts of messy legal work. “Tomascino” was one of the words listed.

August 28, 2022:  Get excited about nice mobile home in Corvallis which I can afford. Walk Ocean to K. Talk with Joan at W.G. K to W.P. Bruce, Douglas at Peet’s. Daniel not there as he indicated he would be. Read most of Galaxy. Nice talk with Bruce who said he was a Qigong teacher. He also complimented me on my weight. Made me a little self-conscious. As I leave, I do my impression of a Qigong movement. Take K to Castro. Cute guy on corner. Pass 440 Club. Homeless guy gives me dirty look. Woman on next block of Castro smiles at me. Walk up 19th Street to Market. Mouse scurried by on upper Market. #48 to W.P. Cute young blond guy with snug pink patterned shorts gets off looking very serious. My tongue is hanging out. K to W.F. Check out with Harrold (with two “r”s) Go to Pakwan. My Pakwan friend gives me my garlic naan. Go to W.F. second time for biscotti. My belly button responds to cute guy in tight T-shirt. Insight: Linda Bass (my mother0 was trying to get in the way of me being loved by my father (Sayantan). (See diary from hier.)

August 28 dream:  Visit my friend in resto he/she is working at. I say, “Are you a hostess?” Then I notice she’s male. “Host,” she says, “Let me introduce you.” Her boyfriend is there. I tell them about apartment in town I just bought. Guy says, “We don’t have any openings.” So I said, “So this Ia a real opportunity for me to look elsewhere.” He said, “Yeah.” I gave him the finger, three times.

August 28 dream:  Spend last three days of six-day Prosperos Assembly. I stay in Maureen Malanaphy’s room. She went back to Hawaii. I try to explain who the Malanaphys are to my therapist. Young man brings in Grandma Smith for a shower. She is having trouble getting around. I empathize with her.

August 27, 2022:  Buddy call with Beata in London, UK, at 9 a.m. She works with the homeless. Session 4 of Empathy Circle Facilitators training from 9:30 – 1 p.m. Towards the end of our session, I said we should probably wrap up so we’d have a few minutes at the end to have a general group discussion. Sayantan (from India) said I could go ahead and take my turn to speak if I wanted. Linda Bass, the trainer, interrupted and told Sayantan that I was the facilitator and I was in charge of the group and that whatever I say goes. I felt hurt that she thought that I couldn’t handle the situation myself and that I needed to be defended. Which, I think, relates to the relationship I had with my mother. (*Relates to dream of August 26?) Do online work. Tape nap. Go out to Vietnamese resto. Read more Galaxy book. Three very cute Asian guys come into resto. I walk past them on my way out. Go to McD’s. A few young kids out on a Saturday nite. More online work. No exercise today (other than emotional).

August 27 dream:  Dream I am taking a pee (but I still feel like I need to take a pee). They want to make up call with guy on counter who wants me to do something illegal.

August 26, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group this a.m. with Sarah and me. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to 7-Eleven on Ocean. Talk with Rajat. K to W.P. Kai and Stephanie at Peet’s. Insight: Wondered why I felt like promoting Prosperos online event even though we had such a bad relationship.  Much like my family. Regardless of how terrible our relationship was, I would still support them. Which probably could be said of me and John as well. Take K to Castro. Take photo of guy wearing a crown. Makes me happy. Then pass 440 Club. Up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. Go to Squat & Gobble for vegetarian fajita. It was a long wait in an empty resto. Take K home.

August 26 dream:  In really beautiful part of S.F. take lots of photos. My camera runs out of film. Go to hole in the wall to get more film. Girl helps me.

August 25, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. It gets stuck on the way. I get out early. Sergio and Daniel at Peet’s. Sergio greets me but we on’t talk. I do talk with Daniel as I leave. Also Bruce. Read up to half of Galaxy book. Still not convinced it’s all that great. Take K to Castro. See “Experience God” on poster at Forest Hill. I try to take photo but my camera refuses. Run into Christian and his wife and dogs as I exit Castro station. Pass 440 Club. Go to S.B. on 18th Street to congratulate them on their unionization. They were happy I came in. Walk up 19th Street and up Market to M.S. Check out with Ian who told me he’s taking driving lessons. #43 home.

August 25 dream:  Work for a law firm on Avenue of the Americas in New York, but the nice part of N.Y. Barry Bram there. Thank, “I’d work anywhere with him.”

August 25 dream:  Collie’s 20th birthday today. She gets her … Owner puts hat on her. I embrace and pet her.

August 25 dream:  I’m going to do a load of wash for a little girl. Young woman wants me to try the rice she’s going to serve at the wedding. She has a crush on me. I look at her colorful underwear beneath her loose white dress.

August 24, 2022:  Empathy Circle production team from 9 a.m. to 11. About 8 attended. Come up with four simple lines of what you can expect to get out of an empathy circle. Nap. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Kai there. Also Nemid. Talk with young boy reading Sherlock Holmes at the table next to mine. Unkempt fat guy comes up and talks to me about my camera. My letter to the editor about a UC campus in downtown San Francisco makes today’s Chronicle. Talk to Kai on way out about the book Beautiful Boy, which he’s reading. Take K to Castro. Sit across from guy I had made a connection with earlier. He stayed on his phone. Pass 440 Club in the Castro. Up 19th Street to Market to #43 home. Get off at MUB building. Black guy rushing towards me says, “How’s the city?” I say, “Cold.” He laughs.

August 23, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Safeway. Cute young runner on Monterey. Go to G.P. Run into Marcus, my Hemingway friend. Go to C.Bv. Jessica there. Barista who I didn’t like was wearing a Bernie T-shirt as was I. So now I like her. Also hot young guy with Swathmore T-shirt. As I exit, we chat. He just started a job at Google in Mountain View His last job was las summer for Goldman Sachs, I think he said. He said he wore business casual like button-downs as compared to T-shirts and shorts at Google. I say, “That’s quite a change in cultures.” Walk thru G.C.P. Go to M.S. briefly. Then S.B. Read a few more chapters from Galaxy. #43 home. Feel bad/sad about my Swathmore friend in p.m.

August 22, 2022:  Intro Empathy Circle at 10 a.m. Shared my idea that empathy circles allow me to observe the pettiness within me and to get rid of it. Sally, who was my active listener, really got it. And that unnerved me. Walk and K to W.P. Bruce at Peet’s and Baristo #3. See short guy in black near W.P. station. As I come nearer, he seemingly disappears. Walk Monterey to Safeway. Have fun conversation with checkout guy. He says of the half pumpkin pie I bought, “I hope your wife doesn’t see that.” I say, “That would be a problem if I had a wife.” See and talk with Jesse as I wait for #43. #43 home.

August 21, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio and Douglas at Peet’s. Douglas is wearing glasses and looks really hot. I tell him, “You look like a movie star.” Talk briefly with Sergio. He tells me he’s begun the book I gave him and think’s he’ll like it. I tell him I finished the first chapter of the book he recommended to me. Take K to Castro. Go to S.B. on 18th Street. They’re closed again. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Market. Get on #48. Run into “Sir Allen” on the bus. We exchange smiles as I exit. Take K. Then get off to check out guy on sidewalk. Then walk to Ocean Avenue. Take K again. Talk to cute guy sitting across from me reading The Witchers. He says it’s really good. I tell him I’ll check it out. Get off at Jules. Walk home.

August 21 dream:  Cleaning up after a party at a relative’s home. I’m about to do the dishes. Someone says I should keep some of the old stuff.

August 21 dream:  Watching movie at cafe. Just zoning out.

August 20, 2022:  3rd session of Empathy Circle Facilitator Training. 30 or so attend. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s. Give Sergio copy of Stranger in a Strange Land. He was pleased. As I was leaving, we talk. I’m reading the book he recommended: Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Learned he and I both studied French and he speaks Spanish as well. Feel like something is developing with Sergio. (*See diary of July 14. Maybe losing my phone at Gay Pride parade relates to losing my relationship both with The Prosperos and with John.) Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Go to 18th Street S.B. to congratulate them on unionizing. But they were closed. Pass black guy sitting on Castro, holding his erect dick. Walk up Market. Cross street on red light. Driver yells out window, “Could be dangerous.” At first I took it at face value, but then thought it might relate to me and Sergio. Go to M.S. Then get burrito from burrito lady. #43 home. Insight: Listen to Darryl Robert Schoon video in p.m. He says that feeling powerless is also a feeling which should not be suppressed. That resonated with me in regards to the tenant in the apartment above me and also in relationship to my father.

August 20 dream:  Run for president of B.A.R. In Germany.

August 20 dream:  Pour last cup of tea to make someone better. Tom O. wants to give up. But I say, “Give it a try.”

August 20 dream:  I escape from guy chasing me for now. I’m wearing yellow shorts.

August 20 dream:  Moving the school. Another school moves in where we were.

August 19, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group with me and Sarah at 11 a.m. Get excited ’cause Veterans United Home Loans say they now give out loans for manufactured homes, the only homes I could possibly afford. Nap. In ’til 4ish. Walk to G.P. Jessica (*See diary of May 3) at C.B. We don’t speak. G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Go to M.S. Then leave when they don’t have biscotti. Go to CVS. Wait in line for cute cashier who doesn’t know what biscotti are. #43 home. Go to W.F. They have biscotti. Check out with Cole instead of Min who’s talking with somebody.

August 19 dream:  Having to go up wall with my flip-flops on. Wall doesn’t work. (*Relates to trying to get a moment to speak with Sergio at work on August 20, I think.)

August 18, 2022:  Ten year anniversary of living at 352 Brighton. In ’til 12:30. Go to VA for 2 p.m. appointment with Carol at P.T. She gives me a few exercises for my lower back. Go to La Promenade Cafe. Then walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Walk Irving Street from 34th Avenue to 9th Avenue. Didn’t realize the commercial area was so large. I loved it. Gay guy smiles at me on Irving. Go to P.O. Then Arizmendi Bakery. Gay baker smiles at me. #43 home.

August 18 dream:  I was sleeping in bed next to my sister Laurie in her bed and somebody touched my leg. I said, “That’s not right.” I wake up in the dream [and otherwise]. (h.o.)

August 18 dream:  Radio show with disgruntled female jazz singer who mentioned she’d be appearing with 55 others in upcoming show. Two or three others in group including me.

August 17, 2022:  Empathy Circle production team at 9 a.m. About 7 or 8 attend. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Stephanie, J.P., Baristo #3 at Peet’s. Feel very sad for a few minutes. Not sure why. On leaving accidentally touch arms with J.P. as I’m stretching and he’s walking by. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Market. Go to M.S. Check out with Ian for second day in a row. He asks me about my photography. I tell him, “I just started doing it.” Get small pizza to go at Roundtable. Nice worker there. #43 home. Just 3 of us on board. Take photo of big red truck as I get home. Guy rushes out of his cab and wants to know why I’m photographing him. He thought I was trying to get him into trouble for parking in the middle of the street. I assured him I just thought that he had a nice truck.

August 17 dream:  Packing up dirty dishes from today. Someone wants me to wait for them to finish eating. Me and other guy pack two duffel bags and put in storage. There will probably be one more. Thane there, looking older. I think he’s never going to be the same. Tom C. is no longer with him.

August 17 nap dream:  Fat guy grabs apple fritter while I’m still thinking about it. I get apple turnover.

August 17 nap dream:  White statue of liberty in Castro &18th Street window.

August 17 nap dream:  Walk into apt. Others there. It’s warm. Decide to go downstairs and join my friend and his girlfriend in the pool. Look for my swimsuit.

August 16, 2022:  “Buddy call” with Tania in Beirut, Lebanon, at 10:45 a.m. Talk for over an hour. Nap. In ’til 3:45ish. Take K to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s. We talk briefly. I tell him I’m starting the book he recommended to me, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I recommended to him, again: Stranger in a Strange Land. Take K to Castro. Beautiful guy in black shorts and black T-shirt with his almost black dog. Pass 440 Club. Homeless woman with her breast partially exposed. Walk up Market. Young guy at Clipper and Portola walking with his girlfriend, smiles at me. Go to M.S. Check out with Ian, new checker. Get burrito from burrito lady. #43 home. Sit near mustachioed young guy with skateboard. Guy with sweat pants and bulging dick exits bus. Skateboard guy gives me come-on look. I go one stop beyond my usual. Get off with skateboard guy. I don’t accept his invitation. Bus gong the other way is waiting for me across the street.

August 15, 2022:  Intro Empathy Circle from 10 a.m. to noon. Wonderful group including Renato from Croatia and George from the country of Georgia. We talked about climate change. At noon, had one hour “buddy call” with Leo Jacoby in Wisconsin. Then online work. Then nap. Then K to W.P. Daniel, Bruce and Baristo #3 at Peet’s. Talked with Bruce about his new book. Baristo #3 told me he had to slit the throat of a ram as part of his cultural tradition. Talked with Daniel about The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck book, which he recommended to me and which I’m half way through. Run into guy on the sidewalk who says, “I agree.” I was thinking he was reading my mind and wondering what I had just thought. Then realized he was talking about the “Abolish the Electoral College” T-shirt I was wearing. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Market. See “New York $” on sidewalk. Take #48 to W.P. Take M and #29 home.

August 15 dream:  Boss is talking. Me and others are moving out file boxes of things and documents. My job was done so I was ready to go.

August 14, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas and Kai at Peet’s. Also unassuming gay guy at table. I see Douglas give him the eye. Talk with Kai about The Departed movie. After, run into beautiful blond, unassuming young man walking with other young man. Blond guy smiles at me. I hang around a bit, then cross to the other side of the W.P. station platform. Walk up Ulloa to burrito place. Take #48 to W.P. Same nice guy there at 14th Avenue at hier. Also grocery clerk smiles at me as I pass on W.P. Boulevard. Take K home. Beautiful man exiting Ingleside Gallery as I pass on K. Think: “He’s the kind of guy that makes life worth living.” Work on book in p.m.

August 14 dream:  I try to get copy of videotape showing 100,000 people “playing and jumping” in the water on command. Woman and I have a sort of thing.

August 14 dream:  Crimp day hier. Lamp day today.

August 14 dream:  Attend meeting at Board of Supervisors. I ask guests about housing which has been completely torn down but not replaced in the Mission, the Haight and where my father used to live. Speaker said the law would change on September 1.

August 13, 2022:  Empathy Circle Training Session No. 2. About 35 attended including participants from Croatia, England, India, and Lebanon. Call Tiffany out indirectly on her presumption last week of using the speaker’s time as if it were her own. (*Relates to “Breakthrough” of August 10?) In ’til 4:30ish. K to W.P. See #429 on Ocean. She tries to evade me, but I double back just to get closer look. (*Relates to 2nd “Breakthrough” from hier?) Kai and Stephanie at Peet’s. Take K to Castro. Go to W.G. Pass 440 Club coming and going. Walk up Market to #48. Sweet guy at 14th Avenue. K home.

August 13 dream:  Trying to transfer book online, I think.

August 13 dream:  Visit Paris. It snows. I’m happy. Get lost. Go downstairs to empty gay bar. Get trapped, more or less, with hefty big white guy.

August 12, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Just Sarah and me. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Buy lotto ticket at Glen Park Market. Go to C.B. and then G.P. library. Handsome black guy on sidewalk. See same “Breakthrough” book I saw on Faxon Avenue on August 10. Go to M.S. Ask Allen where to find fortune cookies. Talk with Christian outside S.B. He and his wife just had a baby girl twos months ago and he’s looking forward to getting housing in S.F. Baby girl is Amelia. Dog is Colby. #43 home. See my Pakwan friend again who gives me a look of intimacy as I pay him for my garlic naan. Talk to Larry Lawhorn in p.m.

August 12 dream:  William Fennie sending me the votes. They turn into applies. Then a carpet of applies. Then an indoor lawn. “You wouldn’t want insects in your home.”

August 11, 2022:  In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to W.P. Big, loud black guy talking to Rajat about having a hard-on for 7-Elevan. Daniel and Baristo #3 at Peet’s. Daniel told me he and his family just got back from Hawaii. He turned me on to Pharrell Williams’s song, “Happy.” I love it! Go to Lazy Susan after. Get vegetarian chow main from Patrick. It’s not very good. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Min who does a little jump of excitement when he sees me. Insight: Realize why I feel so sad due to noise from upstairs is ’cause some people get off on making other people doubt their worth ’cause they doubt their own. (*Relates to my step-mother, too.)

August 11 dream:  At OSU getting things done, being able to read books again.

August 11 dream:  Indian guy shows me video of tent culture catching fire in ’55. He says, “Choose another year.” I choose ’66.

August 11 dream:  Getting ready for Empathy Circle. I hang silver mask with one jeweled eye on wall. Also plan to bring puppies tomorrow. My partner notices something wrong with the window frame. Earlier woman at resto counter asks me, “Do you have a boyfriend at home?” I say, “I’m not from here [meaning “I’m from San Francisco.”] Earlier still, on final leg of bus trip.

August 10, 2022:  Empathy Circle production team at 9 a.m. Five of us attend. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Talk with Joan at W.G. See “Breakthrough” on Faxon Avenue. Evan, Stephanie, Bruce, Baristo #3 at Peet’s. Also beautiful customer who ignores my glances. And other beautiful customer surrounded by girls, who smiles to himself as I leave. Evan tells me he’s 18 and that he just got back from Paris, London and Germany with his Grace Cathedral choir. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” Four obnoxious young high school boys at W.P. station. Then I notice two of them touching hands. Sit across from them on K. They never look at me but I was thrilled at their camaraderie. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Sometimes being in a family is like being in a cult. Conclusion: Truth is that all is family, all is worthy of being worshipped, all is communicating.

August 10 dream:  I get excited. It’s almost New Years in a few minutes, though the place is nearly empty. John F. is talking about starting a new course at his home, on morals.

August 10 dream:  On full bus with Thane. He asks us to lick stamps. I swallow grape attached to mine.

August 10 dream:  I accuse one of the houseboys of taking my money out of my wallet (but leaving everything else). He says, “We didn’t do that.” I say, “Yes, you did.”

August 9, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. At Monterey Boulevard, woman in S.F. Giants T-shirt comments on my S.F. Giants T-shirt. We walk together for next block and a half. Kai and J.P. at Peet’s. J.P. comps my drink. He’s studying nursing at USF. Woman at Peet’s comments on my book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, saying she has it on her Kindle, but hasn’t started it yet. Walk home. Stop at Lazy Susan to pick up Chinese food to go. Nice connection with cashier there who studies video at S.F. State. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. In p.m. I think, “I’m glad John is growing older and losing his looks.” Then fork on my coffee table drops to floor, seemingly of its own accord.

August 9 dream:  Standing on Church Street next to 10-string guitar player. My pants are tight. I am older but wiser.

August 8, 2022:  Intro Empathy Circle at 10 a.m. Six of us attended, including George from the country of Georgia and Sherry from Roseville, CA. Really good session. I thought i’d hate Sherry ’cause she seemed so self-centered, but came around to liking her. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Rajat at 7-11. Also cute Asian guy with tight Levis. Evan at Peet’s. I hadn’t seen him since June 18. We had nice talk. He’s a senior in high school. Wants to go to U. of Oregon or U. of Colorado and major in English. Now I’m in love with Evan. Bruce there also. Also barista who told me that Pussy Riot was at Outside Lands hier. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Realize car fire from August 3 probably relates to my experience with lawyer from hier on the same street. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Run into lawyer again at Ocean and Lee. He looks a lot scruffier today. We sit down and talk briefly. He says his name is Sean, or something close to that.

August 8 dream:  At Prosperos event. Then go to other location and meet up with three more Prosperos.

August 8 dream:  Have shitty pants. Hope nobody can smell it.

August 8 dream:  Apply for job with Barry Bram’s law office. It’s not going well.

August 7, 2022:  Wake up early for me, about 8:30 a.m. Do online work. Then take nap and have several nap dreams. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Pass store on Ocean Avenue with open door. I step back and look in. Small boy, maybe 10-years-old, is sitting alone in the middle of the floor. I smile at him. He looks at me like he wants to be friends. Cute young man from 33 San Anselmo Way entering his house with his family. Sergio and Douglas at Peet’s. Have nice talk with Sergio as I leave. He tells me his favorite book is Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I told him mine was Stranger in a Strange Land. He told me his school banned Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451. I told him I met Ray Bradley at a conference in ’72. I think I’m in love with Sergio again. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Old man on Plymouth Avenue says something. I get closer to him and ask him what he said. He said, “Paradise.” On Ocean Avenue, offer to help young man having trouble with what he was carrying. We ended up talking for maybe half an hour. He lives in twin building across the way, I think. I only understood about half of what he said. He said he studied at Exeter University in London. He was very hot. He asked me if I was married. I said I was a “confirmed bachelor.” He said he was looking for legal help. He asked me for my email and phone which I gave him. He asked me if I had a card. I guess he’s straight ’cause every woman that walked by would get his undivided attention. Finally I let him into his building with my key. Go to W.F. Nice guy from bakery dept. happy to see me. I jerked off when I got home. Insight: Think maybe I can effect #429 by my thinking.

August 7 nap dream:  Order found. It’s like spaghetti. (h.o.)

August 7 nap dream: Hard-on dream.

August 7 nap dream:  Ride bike to French class. Bike stolen. Run into Madame Morel. I say in my bad French, “Qui es la plan?” She says parts of the [CCSF] campus has been flooded.

August 7 nap dream:  Get home from work early. Don’t know what to do with myself.

August 7 dream:  Driving home. Pick up some hitchhikers. We hang together for a while ’til I get too tired.

August 7 dream:  See John taking somebody to his place. He sees me and calls, but doesn’t say anything. Go to resto. Hear “cut paper.”

August 6, 2022:  Sleepless nite last nite. Empathy Circle Facilitator Training from 9:30 to 1ish. In ’til 3ish. Haircut at 3:30. Check out young guy who preceded me. He responded in kind. Had wonderful connection with Jun as usual. I told him about my doctor visit hier. He said doctors never take into account what’s going on with somebody emotionally. He says I should eat whatever I want to eat. So my barber has more medical intelligence than my nurse practitioner. Go to Safeway afterwards. Take nap.

August 5, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group in a.m. Just Sarah and me. In ’til 1:30. #29 and #38 to VA. #29 leg of journey was the bus ride from hell. Trainee bus driver being overseen by chatty supervisor. Lots of teenage girls crowding on for “Outside Lands” at Golden Gate Park. At each stop more teenage girls would get on. The #29 behind us passed us. Bus driver all too careful and slow. Finally they all get off on Lincoln Way and now the cars are bumper to bumper. Finally make it to VA at 2:59 for my 3 p.m. appointment. Nurse practitioner says I had pneumonia though apparently it was asymptomatic. Also that I need to lose 13 pounds. Nurse taking my blood was pregnant. I say, “Are you about to give birth?” She says, “Soon.” Walk to La Promenade Café. Then to G.G. Park, trying to avoid Outside Lands. Walk up 9th Avenue. See cute guy. His face looks kind of like John’s. He goes to Arizmendi Bakery and orders a slice of pizza. I get in line behind him and order slice myself. They deliver our slices at the same time: one for Anthony, one for Mike. We both eat our slices at adjacent parklet. Then he throws paper away in garbage can behind me, touching my leg while he did so. “Oops, sorry,” he says. Later connect with handsome Japanese guy walking up 9th Avenue. Then run into Bruce (from Peet’s W.P.). #43 home.

August 5 dream:  Paul Newman and James Dean caress me when I tell them how lonely it is to watch TV alone at night.

August 5 dream:  Thane giving monitor class. He said Monica did part of the class and somebody came in and talked about the penis.

August 4, 2022:  Extinction Rebellion Empathy Circle at 10 a.m. facilitated by Karo in Poland with me and Sri Lankan guy in Wales. Walk to G.P. New baristo at C.B. We click. He tells me he lives in the area. Later I figure out he’s coming on to me or wanting me to come on to him. Doesn’t he know I already have a boyfriend? G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. Get in check out line. Then “Sir Allen” beckons me to his newly opened line. I say, “You came all the way out here just for me?” he says, “Yeah.” #43 home. Beautiful young boy and very young boy on #43. See Apt. #429(?) smoking as I enter back door of apartment building.

August 4 dream:  Trying to find place to take a shit in very nice home which is not mine and is being cleaned. Lots of work men. And dogs. One dog wants em to drag him around. I do. He bites somebody. Other dog looks like a wild animal, but we like each other.

August 3, 2022:  Empathy Circle production team at 9 a.m. Six of us attend. Online work. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. RHS/Translate new female tenant living above me. Follow guy who looked like Thane for a while. Realize I am RHSing my step-mother, some woman I am forced to live with like my tenant upstairs. And when I realized that just because my new family is a lie doesn’t mean I have to accept it, man wearing a yarmulke and holding a baby smiles at me. Kai, Douglas, baristo #3 at Peet’s. They are taking a selfie from a Notebook placed on the floor as I leave. They invite me to join them, which I do. W.P. library. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Get popcorn for homeless woman in front of W.F. at her request. Fire alarm in p.m. Then my internet goes down for 3-4 hours. Turns out a smoking car approached the underground garage and then caught fire.

August 3 nap dream:  Tom C. returns to work. I hang out with well-built guy in white T-shirt. When I go to say good-bye to him, he’s on payphone.

August 3 dream:  Ghost of young woman in my kitchen. I have trouble speaking, but I yell as best I can, “Who the hell are you? Get out! Get out!” [As I awaken, she disappears.]

August 3 dream:  Hanging out with John H., played by Jonathan Flynn.

August 3 dream:  Hanging out in gay bar and café. Bill Floyd there later. They have set up some camera equipment for meetings. He says that in Europe they do most of their meetings at night.

August 2, 2022:  New tenant upstairs moves in. Lots of noise. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Cat at San Benito Way and Monterey Boulevard gets very affectionate with me. (*Relates to Eric at Peet’s?) Long conversation with Eric. He got a new full time job so won’t be around too much at Peet’s other than as a customer. We talked a lot about his art and a book he is writing. Go to W.P. library. Talk briefly with clerk from hier. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Naomi. Go to Pakwan. My friend from last three days not there. Insight: If it’s true that Lydia had a thing for my father and he wouldn’t put out, maybe I thought I should put out for him.

August 2 dream:  Nancy Pelosi and I prepare plate for Rick Thomas. She gets touchy and removes all the food after I make a comment. I pile on new food. Fear I put on too much. Two guys in a Russian building. The Russian says, “You guys want to go home tonight, right?”

August 2 dream:  Fire at beach house next to ours. I and others need go find blankets, etc., to put it out. Woman in wheelchair flips over. “This is not right,” she says. Fire goes out.

August 1, 2022:  Bills and monthly BB in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Mail bill. Feel shitty. Go home. Smell beautiful orchid smell in elevator. Take shits. Walk to W.P. again. Kai at W.P. He tells me about movie Nope. Baristo #3 likes my Bernie T-shirt. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Guy smiles at me as I enter. Check out with Cole. Go to Pakwan. Run into same red sports car guy as hier. This time he didn’t look attractive at all. Go to Pakwan for 3rd day in a row. Same cute guy as the prior two days. He brings my order to my table.

July 31, 2022:  Current Events Empathy Circle at 9 a.m. Sarah, Larry and I attend. I want to quit the group but they want to continue, they say. (*See 4th dream of July 29.) Online work. Nap. In ’til 3:15ish. Walk to W.P. Rajat at 7-11. Go to W.P. library. Joke with U. of Pacific graduate in communications. I say, “Can you communicate now?” he says, “I think so.” Douglas and baristo #4 at Peet’s. RHS my mother (Sarah) on walk home. Feels good to get in touch with my frustrations with her since she’s been such a martyr after being killed. (*Relates to July 22 dream about big event on July 31?) Homeless woman asks me to buy some popcorn for her on my way to W.F. I agree. I check out with Marcus from bakery dept. I ask him about Doug who used to work there. He says, “Yeah, he’s no longer there.” Give homeless woman her popcorn. Go to Pakwan. See cute guy get out of his red sports car. I follow him into Acai R. After he taps his order online, I look over online menu. Then walk out. Go to Pakwan. See same cute cashier as hier. As I leave I see Acai R guy get into his red sports car. I walk in front of his car to see if anyone’s in there with him. He appears to be alone. I pass and look back at him before I enter back way to my apt.

July 31 dream:  Get note dated ’62. Return super bowl ticket envelope. Check in to go somewhere (h.o.)

July 31 dream:  Bring string bass and other instrument to home where both opera and jazz are being played. Take pee out of view of hostess.

July 31 dream:  Man lets me walk his dog around the block again.

July 31 dream:  It’s getting late and I had planned to do something with Heather today. I ask my step-mother if she wants me to move out. She suggests I share my console with one of my siblings.

July 30, 2022:  Empathy Circle at 9 a.m. ’til 1 p.m. 40 people or so including young man from Colorado State. I co-facilitate small group of me and three women. I was quite excited about the transformation I underwent from not being interested in any of these women in particular to loving each of them in their own way. In ’til 3:15ish. Walk to G.P. Go to Glen Park Market. Share my photo of Lee with him. He seems pleased. Go to G.P. library. Leila (nee Daniel) at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Go to M.S. See “Sir Allen.”  Takes two or three times for cash register to work. #43 home. Stop at W.F. Check out with Min. Getting off elevator, run into #308 at the same place and in the same way as on June 3. He looked really cute and really young. I say, “Hi.” He says “Hi” back. (*Relates to shits from hier at 6ish, I think.) Cute cashier at Pakwan resto.

July 30 dream:  Going to sleep. Next thing I know Nancy and Laurie are having a party. I throw quarters at Laurie to try to get her attention so she can tell me what’s going on. Meet up with Mikhail Itkin and other interesting people. (h.o.)

July 30 dream:  American Encounter movie

July 30 dream:  “You said perfection is upward.” I say, “No, perfection is everywhere.” (h.o.)

July 30 dream:  Boy walking out. Has something with pineapple in it. Now he’s dead. People are trying to bring him back to life.

July 29, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group in a.m.. Only Sarah and I show up. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Nice talk with Joan at W.G. Sergio [I wrote down Justin in the original draft.] at Peet’s. We talk briefly. As I leave, he is waiting on customer. I look at him as I pass by. He looks up and waves. He moves me. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Alarm going off in trash can at Claremont and Ulloa. Guy moving into “I’m Gorgeous Inside” house on Plymouth Avenue. “Driverless” car drives by me on Monterey Boulevard. I prepare to take a photo. Car stops in the middle of the intersection. Feel shitty. Have to rush home to take shits at about 6 p.m.

July 29 dream:  Woman in mayor’s office has crush on me. I like somebody else.

July 29 dream:  I say, “Is it okay to solve its?” High-pitched voice says, “What do you mean?”

July 29 dream:  I work for RVS (Republican Voting Systems).

July 29 dream:  Sit at table in resto with several Prosperos, including Al Haferkamp. When they leave, three of us stay. I really want to go home. (*Relates to Current Events Empathy Circle of July 31, I think.)

July 28, 2022:  Rough nite last nite. Couldn’t get to sleep, mostly ’cause I was so excited about my Thor insight (*See diary of July 27). In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Justin at Peet’s. He looks really good today. Young woman came in. He put his arm around her and walked outside with her. We had a brief connection. Bruce also there. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Stop at W.F. Home.

July 28 dream:  All the signs of the zodiac on display. Each with a picture of someone I knew to represent it. (h.o.)

July 28 dream:  Starting at new school in N.Y. where everybody really cares about the students. Go out on roof in my underwear with a pillow to take a nap.

July 28 dream:  Run into tall guy I’m supposed to have a crush on in area of S.F. new to me. (*Relates to Sarah telling me on July 29 about meeting she’s going to have with Rick Thomas, Rick’s son Adam and Al Haferkamp. Al is the tall guy.)

July 27, 2022:  Rough nite last nite due to antibiotics, I think. Skip Empathy Cafe online at 9 a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. See Rajat at 7-11. No one I know at Peet’s except baristo #3 whose name I don’t know but who was very excited to see me. After Peet’s, run into cute young guy on corner. We make some sort of connection. I follow him from a distance down W.P. and back up again to the original spot where I met him. I pretend to get on waiting #57 bus, but then walk off. As I’m walking along Ocean Avenue, think of Thor Thompson from Saratoga High School. He was very popular, cool, good-looking guy I liked from a distance. He was beautiful and always wore his pants low. One day a friend of mine told me that some friends of his almost pantsed Thor. Just the idea of that excited me so much, but also made me ashamed. Years later, in a rare visit to Saratoga, I run into Thor walking alone in the middle of Westcott Drive. He smiles at me. I’m angry at him for making me so ashamed, so I ignore him. As I think this, pass Indian-looking guy who tries to keep from smiling. Beautiful black guy with big wild afro buys big container of water and checks out at W.F. I line up behind him. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: There is a battle going on in my body between bacteria and antibiotics. Conclusion: Truth, the Host, nourishes Itself with infinite supply and limitless hospitality. Insight: I think Thor smiling at me was him telling me that’s it’s okay to get excited about him almost getting pantsed. He got excited, too. 2nd insight: Translating bacteria leads to the word parasite, which I think I’ve always sort of felt I was. Perhaps I was told I was by my father, and perhaps I accepted that as a truth, whether it was or not.

July 27 dream:  Getting lost in the raggio forest.

July 27 dream:  Lose one of my lower front teeth.

July 27 dream:  Nancy Pelosi defends bare-breasted women.

July 26, 2022:  Phone goes out in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Kai, Douglas, Daniel and Justin (*see diary of June 13) at Peet’s. My phone finally comes on again. I call them to try to find out what went wrong. Got nowhere. Forgot my pen so had to borrow one from Douglas. Nice connection with Justin as he leaves and with Douglas as I leave. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Check out with Sally (short for Salome). #43 home. When I get home, see my pen on the floor just outside my apartment.

July 26 dream:  Women teacher. I don’t address her as “Doctor.” Someone says I should. Then I start answering her question. She says, “Not today.” So I walk off, admiring cute butt of guy in tight suit.

July 26 dream:  I have an “innie” instead of an “outie” bellybutton.

July 26 dream:  I have to get up ’cause this is the day I meet with John.

July 26 dream:  In Portland, trying to find ceramic stamp moistener so I can do job I was given. Portland seems abandoned. I have difficulty crawling up street, Translating along the way [and wake up].

July 25, 2022:  VA appointment at 11 a.m. Go to emergency room instead for persistent back pain and heart fluttering. Beautiful Asian man smiles at me as I leave home. I take that as a positive sign. VA Nurse Practitioner gave me antibiotics and said to cut down on caffeinated green tea. Walk to La Promenade. Then follow beautiful man into grocery store on Balboa and make significant eye contact with him. Walk thru G.G. Park. Go to Japanese Tea Garden (which is now free to S.F. residents). Take #43 home. Go to W.F. Check out with Min’s trainee, Diana. Watch “My Lai” documentary in p.m.

July 25 dream:  Obnoxious guy takes over medical training with people on gurneys.

July 25 dream:  Bill Floyd (Gwyllm Llwydd) getting excited about seeing a dollar bill and all the possibilities.

July 24, 2022:  Current Events Empathy Circle at 9 a.m. Heather, Sarah, Larry and I attend. Later, jerk off. (*See 4th dream of July 22.) In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. See Shrey at Ingleside Gallery. Rajat and “Pretty Girl” at 7-11 on Ocean. Sergio, Daniel and 3rd baristo at Peet’s. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Min.

July 24 dream:  Someone spilled something on my shirt and coat. See two tigers and their trainer in a wading pool. The smaller tiger gets rough with the trainer. The bigger tiger stops him. There’s another smaller black tiger walking around. I decide to leave the area. Later I think, “What if there’s a power even stronger than a tiger, like God, that I could access.”

July 23, 2022:  Get up late. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Pretty guy doing selfie as I exit. He gives me dirty look. Go to M.S. Check out with helpful guy. Pretty woman comes up to help him. I don’t want to deal with her. Finally I have to. She’s very pretty and very kind. Enough to make a person go bisexual. #43 home.

July 22, 2022:  Translation group at 11 a.m. with Heather and Sarah. Call Heather after about her anti-vax stance. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Speak with Joan at W.G. Run into my shirtless Asian friend on Ocean. He gives me a dirty look. David, Kai and 3rd baristo at Peet’s. They tell me about Frank Ocean and Tyler the Creator’s “Loiter Squad” comedy videos. I tell them about Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto No. 2. They say they’ll put in on their play lists. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Still feel bad about Heather’s stubborn proselytization.

July 22 dream:  Big event on July 31.

July 22 dream:  Trapped in house in Southern California. My friend and I are being tortured and threatened. I fight back. My friend has other plans.

July 22 dream:  Having to go to the bathroom on top floor of resto. Lots of people around. I have to set up port-a-potty myself, surrounded by people.

July 22 dream:  Two guys playing with each other by taking off their clothes. They are both friends of mine. Thane was there. I wondered if he knew that I knew the guys. Later Thane and his group moved on. From a distance, Thane waved at me. I didn’t know whether he was waving good-bye or inviting me up to his hotel room with the others.

July 21, 2022:  Wake up late. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P.  Talk with Rajat at 7-11 on Ocean. Daniel, Eric, Kai and Stephanie at Peet’s. Daniel recommends The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. As I leave, I throw out crossword puzzle I was working on. I walk about a half block, feel sudden surge of joy and decide to go back to pick up crossword puzzle out of the trash. Nice connection with Daniel as I reach into the trash can. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Talk with Edwin Rutsch (from Empathy Circles) in p.m.

July 21 dream:  Find it very difficult to open door from inside ’cause I’m so tired. I know if I do, that I will be energized.

July 21 dream:  Tom O. wants to fix the tab. I want to drive the truck to where we are headed.

July 20, 2022:  Empathy Circle production team at 9 a.m. Five of us attended. Online work. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. J.P., Kai and Sergio at Peet’s. Sergio tells me he didn’t really shave his hair off. He was just pulling my leg. I asked him why he didn’t dye his eyebrows. “That would just be weird,” he said. “And you wouldn’t want to do anything weird,” I replied. Walk home vie Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Jeff. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: To express feelings can be dangerous, but unexpressed emotions can lead to physical pain. Conclusion: Truth is the painless, omnipotent manifestation of the uninhibited Self.

July 20 dream:  Two puppies are unaccounted for. That means we only have 93% of the house.

July 20 dream:  Hard-on dream is an extension of the above dream.

July 20 dream:  Amy, my woman boss, sends me to cafeteria to do what I did last time with head of lettuce and two tomatoes. Nice woman next to me, watching TV, says, “I like it when he does that.”

July 19, 2022:  Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Joan at W.G. Insight: Feeling bad about my nap dream (*See below.) Realize my nap dream may relate to me and Lydia Donaldson (not her real name), our in-house caretaker after my mother’s death. The story goes that she was fired for being too hot for my father. The dream may indicate that she came on to me as well. As I think this, man passing on Ocean smiles at me. Kai at Peet’s. And, surprisingly, Sergio. I thought we were finished, but apparently I was wrong. He walked in with a buzz cut dyed blond. As I leave, we talk again. He tells me a friend completely shaved his hair off and sprayed on blond hair. I asked him how long it would last. He said he didn’t know. I say, “Are you sure he was a friend?” He says, “I think so.” Go to W.P. library. Then home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Nice, tall computer engineer on way in.

July 19 nap dream:  I lay down on my back and old woman with long painted fingernails unzips my pants.

July 19 dream:  Some disembodied spirit (probably scientologist) trying to interpret our meeting.

July 19 dream:  Taking shower with women and men at my new job. Some rats around left-over food.

July 19 dream:  Trying to form new political party at City Hall. They say it’ll take two years but we want to come up with the name now.

July 18, 2022:  Get call from anonymous prick in a.m. (*Relates to 2nd dream of July 17, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Nemid and J.P. at Peet’s. I showed J.P. my new Uniqlo T-shirt which he recommended. He insisted I try it on which I did. He was really excited about it. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Old man at Monterey near Northgate Drive. When I looked back, he was gone. Check out at Safeway with Gabe. #43 home. Insight: Watching Carol Burnett in p.m., wonder if the actors don’t fear crossing the line from yelling at each other in character to yelling at each other in person.

July 18 dream:  Planning a plane trip home. (h.o.)

July 18 dream:  Read off numbers at top of page. As I have often done, I have to put the stickers on myself. Calvin didn’t put them on.

July 18 dream:  Tall thin truck almost flips over. Then drives up skinny road. I am crossing over road on wooden bridge which folds out into a bench with tables. Officious woman comes along and tells me the story of how the thin road leads from Santa Rosa to Iowa. And how Shakespeare used to travel it.

July 17, 2022:  “Current Events” Empathy Circle at 11 a.m. Only 3 of us showed up. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Feeling bad about low attendance at empathy circle. Narrow it down to feeling rage that Sarah chose to attend Rick’s Sunday Meeting instead of my empathy circle. Think that it relates to my childhood self being enraged that my mother’s attention might drift from time to time to my father. (*Relates to severe pelvic pain from last night?) Nice conversation with Daniel at Peet’s about Frank Ocean’s Nights. (*Relates to distant hawk from hier?) Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Insight: Spinoza thought of esteem as a vice. I think that it’s my vice.

July 17 dream:  Passing joint from mouth to mouth. Have to kiss really cute guy. (h.o.)

July 17 dream:  Big long-legged spider in our kitchen. I spay it with bug spray. (*Relates to anonymous prick call from July 18, I think.)

July 17 dream:  Walking little dog on street. He looks exhausted. He says, “Take me back. I have a gift for mankind.”

July 17 dream:  Checking out list janitor gave me. I only see a lot of numbers.

July 16, 2022:  Rick Thomas calls. Makes me feel bad. Reminds me of my father. I feel bad ’cause I knew that he was lying to me or at least holding back from me. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Police car follows me for half a block. Go to C.B. Evil barista there. Smiling but evil nonetheless. Then G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. Distant hawks over Mt.D. #43 home. Severe pelvic pain in p.m.

July 16 dream:  Getting back from 3 weeks vacation. Man’s hedges need to be trimmed.

July 16 dream:  One of the students on campus kills another. People are running around and screaming. I see my religious, mixed race, handsome therapist and I call out to him. He embraces me. I tell him, “This is bringing up a lot of stuff.” The he says, “You’re Michael.” And I joke, “I’m Abraham [or some name like that].” Then he says the camera is on. And he asks my name again and I say, “Michael.” And he says, “How are you?” And I say, “Fine.”

July 16 dream:  Buy book at bookstore. I leave without it. Woman asks what i’m doing. I say, “I’m just looking. And I’ve forgotten something.” Go back to bookstore. Woman gives me some cake and looks for my bag.

July 16 dream:  Go to astrology website. There are three pages: Home, Consultants and Hot Guys. I click on Hot Guys [and wake up].

July 15, 2022:  Translation group at 11 a.m. with Sarah. Heather still a no show. Take K to dental appointment at 2 p.m. Walk home via Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Market to Laguna Honda Blvd. #48 to W.P. Stephanie, Daniel at Peet’s. Nice connection with Daniel as usual. Take M and #29 home. Go to W.F. Check out with Min.

July 15 dream:  Homeless guy gives me three pills and two bird eggs. Says, “Take it. It may be poison or it may solve all your problems.” I eat one of the bird eggs.

July 14, 2022:  Read email that Prosperos Trustee’s agenda includes “3. How to best protect the Schools assets from a rogue member doing something we don’t expect.” In ’til 3:30sh. Walk to W.P. Kai, J.P., Stephanie and Bruce at Peet’s. No Sergio. Don’t know what to think or feel. (*Relates to dream of  July 13 about roomful of shoes. Can’t find comfortable pair.) As soon as I leave Peet’s, see someone who I think is Bob Krell. For some reason, I called him “Rob,” but he doesn’t answer. I think it was a sign that Sergio will leave my life as Bob did suddenly back in 2000 or so. Later realized that my “insight” from July 9 about the meaning of losing my phone (my identity) was probably wrong. I don’t think it related to John or Sergio but to my relationship with The Prosperos and how that relationship has to change.

July 14 dream:  Woman talking about guy who became rich and gave lectures at noon. And always asked his audience questions about how things work.

July 13, 2022:  Empathy Circle meeting at 9 a.m. Meet Sunil from Kathmandu, who’s opened a brick and mortar Empathy Circle Café. Do online work. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Rajat at 7-11. Cute guy and his father coming out of home on San Anselmo Avenue. (*Same guy and his father as on March 10, I think.) Eric, Daniel, Stephanie and Walter L. at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Screeching hawk on lamppost on Ulloa. Give Danny $5 ’cause that was the smallest change I had. Talk with Nobell . See Allen. Check out with Kyle who has lots of tattoos. Get burrito from lady with heavy makeup who’s hot for me. #43 home. Sit next to cute Asian guy.

July 13 dream:  Go into a roomful of shoes. Can’t find my flip-flops. Tell my girlfriend I’ll be leaving tomorrow morning. I give her my phone number. (h.o.) (*Relates to Sergio not bieng at Peet’s on July 14?)

July 13 dream:  Clean off my desk for new job I am starting.

July 12, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Cute Asian guy on Ocean. I ask him about vegetable. He says it’s a cycone, used for soup. See Rajat at 7-11. He’s impressed that I remembered his name. Run into two aggressive cats looking for love on San Benito Way. (*Relates to two baristos at Peet’s?) Kai, Douglas, J.P. at Peet’s. Douglas tells me he heard that I listened to Tyler the Creator hier. J.P. tells me about Uniqlo. Read about forgiveness in Cured. See “Perfect.” Then go to W.P. library. Cruise “perfect” guy a bit. Walk home via San Benito. Run into same cat. Head to W.F. Trying to forgive my 9-year-old self for having an inflated ego with regard to my mother’s death and my father’s affections. As I’m about to turn into W.F., interesting guy in front of me. He’s young, good-looking, thick glasses, broad shoulders. Seems to be looking for something. So I follow him ’til he disappears into the only store open on the next block. When I arrive, he had disappeared. (*Relates to dream of Thane trying to avoid my glance from last night, I believe.) Go to W.F. Check out with Naomi.

July 12 dream:  Updating my website. (h.o.)

July 12 dream:  Going to this beautiful spa-type place with clean, foamy ocean water. Lots of people I know and don’t know. We’re all trying to get cleansed and maybe laid.

July 12 dream:  Go to S.F. neighborhood I’ve never been to before. Near Wand Avenue. Hear voice. It’s Melissa on roof doing some kind of filming job.

July 11, 2022:  Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Talk with Nelson and Joan at W.G. on Ocean. Kai, Daniel and Sergio at Peet’s. I tell Sergio that I ordered a “Save the Bees” T-shirt like the one he wore recently. He and Daniel tell me about Tyler the Creator. I listen to much of his Igor album. At one point, Tyler talks about kissing white boys. I realized as I was leaving that I must mention this to Sergio and that it related to the 3rd dream of July 9 in which Indian father (me) had to jump off a cliff to be with his son. So I say to Sergio, “He talked about kissing white boys.” Sergio says, “Yeah.” Then I asked him what other kind of music he likes and he told me he plays jazz piano. Go to W.P. library. Walk up Yerba Buena Avenue. Take #43 to M.S. Check out with Nobell again. #43 home. Go to W.F. Check out with Min.

July 11 dream:  Getting ready for big party. Guy asks if he can leave something unattended. I say, “Yeah, it’s a very trustworthy group.” (h.o.)

July 11 dream:  Ben G. did two marvelous records, one on the “magic of man.” I accidentally erased most of both of them.

July 11 dream:  Thane meets with us on an island on San Francisco Bay. He tries to avoid my glance. Bob Labansat wants to do astrology classes with me. (*Thane in this dream relates to tulpa I encountered on way home on July 12, I think.)

July 10, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Shits just before I leave. Walk to W.P. Joan at W.G. on Ocean. Cat rushes towards me on San Benito Way. I’ve run into him before. Nemid and Kai at Peet’s. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Man in front yard says, “Big winner today,” referring to the Giants T-shirt I was wearing and possibly to something else.

July 10 dream:  Move to New York. Talk about Paris.

July 10 dream:  Our C.O. commanded 98 soldiers. I … somehow talked to those who survived, those with and without injuries.

July 9, 2022:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See Lee at liquor store. Take his photo. Go to C.B. Go to G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. I have to run to catch #43. Insight: Being forced to get new phone. New phone being stolen at Gay Pride parade. Loss of phone for 10 days ’til I get new one activated. All may relate to loss of old identity and getting a new identity activated. John being the old identity. Sergio being the new one?

July 9 dream:  People chasing me, trying to get me to talk. Trying to convince me that debt is good. I’d been around the same route a few times.

July 9 dream:  Ocean at very low tide. I walk out to try and endorse them, I guess. I think, “You don’t fuck wi that the oceans.” I had an hour and a half.

July 9 dream:  Women have to jump thru chute. Most men don’t have to. Indian guy/s son is on the ground. The father has the choice to jump down.

July 9 dream:  Guy in resto reading book about John York.

July 8, 2022:  Insight: Pelvic pain may relate to my taking on the role of my mother and being the “woman of the house” after she was killed. No Translation group in a.m. Heather and Sarah both bowed out. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Rajat very busy at 7-11. Kai and Bruce at Peet’s. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Min and his trainee. Min’s very nice to me. Hear “First day of May” on Jack Benny show. Realize actor Jim (*See diary of August 9, 2021) was probably coming on to me in his way when he talked about how gender neutral his drama school is.

July 8 dream:  Parents come home really mad at everyone except me. I walk out door. Parents say to child next to me, “You do know what ‘first death’ is, don’t you?” He reaches his hand out to me. I swat it away.

July 8 dream:  I try to tell frog to get off my arm.

July 7, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s. He’s working near where I’m sitting. And we have a nice, long conversation. The it seems to be over. Old man comes up and talks to me about Agent Orange. Then as I leave, I go up to Sergio again. He’s working on the books. I say that they look very official. He says, “Yeah, except somebody pooped on one of the pages.” And he shows me the page where somebody spilled something on it. I am strongly moved by my encounter with Sergio. (*Relates to coyote and hawks in G.C.P. on July 2, I think.) Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with Nobell. I ask him if he is a Nobel Laureate. He says he’s normally in the produce dept. And I ask whether being a cashier is a promotion. He says he doesn’t think so. I say, “Well, in produce you’re dealing with vegetables and here you’re dealing with people. And I’m better than a vegetable.”

July 7 dream:  Send out package before others. (h.o.)

July 7 dream:  Volunteering with some old women near the Castro. Feel like I really want to be alone for a while.

July 6, 2022:  Empathy Circle Facilitator training zoom at 10 a.m. When meeting is over, my phone is finally turned on. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Nelson and Joan at W.G. on Ocean. J.P., Kai and pretty barista who I really like at Peet’s. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue to W.F. Check out with Henry H. which stands for Hui. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: People can fall and break their hips. Conclusion: Happily, there is integrity in all that is.

July 6 dream:  Trying to make a list more orderly and productive. (h.o.)

July 6 dream:  Am late to work. Have on tight gym shorts. Hope that it’s not to sexy for work. Pass thru shop with dance leggings. I ask woman to try a pair on. She turns into another woman with more shapely legs. Continue walking. Husky singer in Golden Gate Park dives to bottom of a pretty deep and transparent lake and back up. Road becomes very narrow and I have to pull really hard to get anywhere.

July 5, 2022:  Call phone company again. This time she guarantees it will be hooked up within 24 hours. In ’til 3ish. Daniel, Kai and Sergio at Peet’s. Read Cured book about spontaneous healing. On way out, I go to restroom. Toilet water is dirty even after I flush it. Sergio is heading towards the restroom. Someone’s in there. I tell Sergio about the dirty water. He looks surprised that I’m speaking to him. (*Relates to Nancy Ryan dream of June 18, I think. Nancy Ryan was a woman I hit on once without having any kind of follow-up, like I did with Sergio unintentionally several months ago.) Later Daniel jokes about big party he’s going to have with Lil Baby. When he invites me, he says, “Serg’ll be there.” Walk to Safeway via Monterey Boulevard. Insight: Really upset that I can’t buy the half pumpkin pie I wanted to ’cause I know it would cause me pelvic pain just like the woman I read about in Cured. Realize I may have a spoiled child relationship with God. Just like I had with my father. (“If you get remarried, I’ll hold it against you ’til you die.”) I say to God: “Why can’t I eat what I want to? I want to eat pumpkin pie!” He/She/It says, “Go ahead, but it’ll cost you.” I pout.

July 5 dream:  Place order at grill: the ground chuck order. (h.o.)

July 5 dream:  See young, shirtless, smug man get on monorail above me, sure that he is impressing beautiful woman already on board.

July 4, 2022:  See “Fort Collins, Colorado” on Facebook. Call phone company again. More delays. Shits before I leave. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. J.P., Kai and Douglas at Peet’s. At one point Douglas does pull-up on Peet’s front door. Later he bends over in front of me, washing off a table. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue.

July 4 hypnogogic dream:  Burning house. (*Relates to my psyche/body burning old structure?)

July 4 dream:  Pick up boxes for old man in house and put them on TV tray in other room. Sign saying “Chicago.” Say hello to Liz Andrews.

July 4 dream:  Up ante. Let loose in the world. It’s name is Principal.

July 4 dream:  Give talk to socially distanced group of people outside.

July 4 dream:  Out of date promo for Menlo College.

July 4 dream:  A homeless guy is roasting pigeons on the grill. I tell him he has to go. Very cute “engineer.” I want to touch him all over. I tell him so. Three more houseless people. I tell them they have to go. Then someone else or another part of me says, “No, you can stay.” One of the homeless guys had red lipstick on.

July 3, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Beautiful young Asian man at Sweet Cupz at Miramar and Ocean Avenues. Douglas, Kai and Nemid at Peet’s. As I come in, pretty woman locks eyes with me. Makes me uneasy. Have nice connection with Nemid. Lots of significant rapid eye movement. As I leave, Douglas asks me about my camera. I give him my ZontaPhotos.com address. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. See “Free” in the lobby of my building as I enter. Memory: Maybe reason I didn’t play baseball as a kid was not because I didn’t like baseball, but that I was still mad at my father for remarrying and he always said how much he loved baseball. This is a totally different story then the one I told myself when I was 9 years old. That when I found out my father was going to remarry, I went into the den and fell to the floor and said to myself, “At last, I can be a normal boy again.” And when he came on board the USS Mt. Baker after I had gone AWOL in 1967 and said, “You never did want me to remarry, did you?” And I lied and told him that it wasn’t true. And I was still mad at him when he had a heart attack and I wouldn’t go to his deathbed. I have been pissed off at my father ever since my mother was killed in 1954 and I saw myself (maybe with my father’s help) as taking her place. I have been a woman scorned for most of my life.  At least my 9-year-old self has been a woman scorned for most of my life. I  was in love with my father and he was in love with me, but he married Harriet instead. Now that I see it, maybe I can let it go, let him go, let them go. (*See 2nd dream of June 2 and also relates to seeing “Free” as I came into my building earlier today?)

July 3 dream:  Olympic-type event coming up. I click on button which supplies all the data. (h.o.)

July 3 dream:  Woman driving me to pick up some money. Car gets flat tire. She pulls over in unpaved cul-de-sac. She’s driving ’50s black Chevy coupe.

July 2, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Call phone company several times. Finally get thru to guy who says they registered the wrong IMEI number. So another 72 hours wait, I guess. Walk to G.P. See Lee at liquor store. He looked great. Go to C.B. Daniel there. Hadn’t seen him in a long time. Go to G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Coyote crosses my path. Then sits on hill above me with two hawks screaming overhead. I take photo of coyote. Go to M.S. #48 to W.P. K home. Bee crawls over my hand on K train. Freaks me out.

July 2 dream:  Begin shut down on panel. (h.o.)

July 2 dream:  Woman under water makes report on behavior of fish. She is so angry that we can’t open the report in the bottle which she closed with her mouth.

July 2 dream:  Prosperos group meeting in public café which has cafés for both the poor and for “regular” people. The poor people’s café is hard to exit. I point this out to manager. Then ask where The Prosperos is meeting. I find several at a large round table. Carol Carter there, looking very wrinkled. I touch her on the shoulder. She gets up to embrace Richard Hartnett, who is beside me.

July 1, 2022:  Bills. Translation group at 11 a.m. Heather doesn’t show up. (*See diary of June 30.) Monthly BB. Feel really tired at one point, like I’m going to have to lay down. Then it passed. I think it related to my being exhausted with confronting Heather in my mind. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Daniel and Douglas at Peet’s. Also 30-40ish guy from hier, though he didn’t look up. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Meet really nice woman from VA Emergency Room on elevator on way in. I may have met her at the VA before.

July 1 dream:  Have to start counting over again. Try to take votes, but it doesn’t take. I try to convince all the big players to vote again.

July 1 dream:  Go to some kind of large therapy group. Afterwards, talk with Carol Carter. She drives me to another group but stops at her place in SOMA. Really nice little place. I ask if she ever rents it out. She says nothing.

June 30, 2022:  Insight: Everything in my life, every emotion, derives from those few moments after my mother’s death. Me punishing myself for the rest of my life for that moment of egocentricity. Me holding myself back form any happiness because of that one moment of egocentricity. Me punishing myself with pelvic pain so I don’t give birth to that self again. So that nobody else knows how egocentric I am. Get up early for me. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Daniel, Sergio at Peet’s. Also 30-40ish guy with nice body, who never looked at me before, looked at me seductively today. Then disappeared, metaphorically speaking. Also blond guy with Apple Notebook which he showed me. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Get email from Heather indicating she would be attending Friday Translation group after all. Now I have to call her a liar to her face. Insight: Maybe I was in my own little world before that moment when my mother was shot and killed in front of me. I was in my own world and it was sort of an egocentric one as was indicated by my immediate thought afterwards: “Now it begins. Now I’m going to be famous.”

June 30 dream:  Bus gets stuck trying to turn around in unpaved cul-de-sac. Acting Company at top of long stairway. I start writing down what is on doorway. Feels like we are waiting for the appearance of Christ. [Maybe it’s time to abort the false self created out of whole cloth and await the Christ self.]

June 29, 2022:  New phone comes in the mail. Still have to wait 1-3 days to get it activated. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. See “MillionDollar Shot” at neighborhood book stand. Talk to Rajat at 7-11. Daniel and Kai at Peet’s. Go to W.P. library. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Jeff who’s into some kind of dragon games. Insight: Pelvic pain is my body’s way of protecting me from my father?

June 29 dream:  Coming out of meeting naked. I put on shorts with a hole in front which showed my penis.

June 28, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Talk with Nelson and Joan at W.G. on ocean. Kai, J.P., Sergio and later Nedim at Peet’s. Have nice connection with J.P. as I arrive. (*Relates to shits from hier about that time?) Also good connection with J.P. as I leave. We fist bump. Sergio mute. Insight: Realize on walk to W.P. that reason I feel like a cuk is because I have been gaslighted by Rick and Heather, pretending to be my friends, but not really acting like friends. Which also relates to the gaslighting by my father and my step-mother. Telling me and others that they are caring people, but really just being selfish people. So Heather, Rick, etc., are doing me a favor by replaying these childhood dynamics so I can see them in a new light and hopefully work thru them. Go to W.P. library. Walk to Safeway via Yerba Buena Avenue. Check out with Gabe who I hadn’t seen in a whole. Then while waiting for #43 home, run into Jesse again. (*See diary of June 6.) We had nice talk ’til my bus arrived. Putting food away in kitchen, feel somebody taping my shoulder a couple of times. Insight: Realize my phone being stolen relates to my identity being stolen in a sense. Later Heather sends email saying she and her girlfriend have a dentist’s appointment on Friday, so she won’t be able to attend the Translation group. And she won’t have to face me.

June 28 dream:  Getting my book published in London, England, at Drumond 4.

June 28 dream:  Getting off work early at 4:15 p.m. so I can go somewhere.

June 27, 2022:  Wake up early for me. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Feel “shitty.” Walk home. Take shits around 3:30. Take K to W.P. Guy gives me raised fist for my T-shirt which says, “Abolish the Electoral College.” Go to Peet’s. Dominic II there. He gives me free drink. He has dual-colored fingernail polish on. Go to W.P. library. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Run into Shrey on elevator on way in. Get email from Rick T. saying I was cancelled as a Dean candidate ’cause I didn’t follow the “system.” A system which the Dean Search Committee made up out of whole cloth, BTW. (*My getting up early relates to getting this email, I think.) Insight: Even though Rick wrote the email, I feel betrayed by Heather who when I asked her about the June 19 trustee meeting on June 24, said that nothing unusual happened. When in fact, they elected a new dean, thereby cancelling my dean candidacy and the platform I ran on.

June 27 dream:  HughJohn very nice to me at work. We go to listen to concert together.

June 27 dream:  Navy men and women officers in dress uniforms selling books at a table outside.

June 26, 2022:  In ’til 10:30ish. Go to Gay Pride parade. Am moved by young Asian guy in parade. Also young Latino guy standing in front of me. Cross over from shady side to sunny side. Accidentally trip (but do not fall) on curb. Wrap my jacket around my waist. Walking around the crowded corner at 8th and Market, guy bumps up against me. I thought he was trying to get by, but later realized that he was probably the one who took my cellphone out of my jacket pocket. He was Asian guy with blue jacket, sunglasses and blue hat (in case any of you run into him). (*I think the theft relates to slipping on curb earlier.) Walk to Castro. Trying to Translate loss, theft, etc. When I realize that nothing can be missing from Truth, which I am, guy dressed as Catholic priest smiles at me. Later woman smiles at me. Go to Castro. Buy Sunday paper at W.G. Pass 440 Club coming and going. Take K home. Go to W.F. Check out in line near Min. He’s still ignoring me. Call phone company and tell them of robbery. Talk with Gabe, a New Yorker who is living in Mexico with his wife and 9-year-old son. Take nap. Do online work. Insight: I feel ashamed that I got my phone stolen.

June 26 dream:  Go up to some man at top of building. Other guy’s phone rings. [I get up to try and answer it.]

June 26 dream:  Someone trying to sympathize with me about my mother’s death.

June 25, 2022:  Get email from Janet C. telling me that the trustees had selected a new Dean at their meeting on June 19, instead of waiting ’til the annual meeting in September as had been planned. I believe they did this to avoid a possibly embarrassing straw poll we were to conduct at June 26 H.W. Meeting. (*Relates to 1st dream of June 21 about being grateful for making it thru, I think.) In’ til 3ish. Call Hanz about new dean selection. Walk to G.P. Different rude barista today. G.P. library. Then walk thru G.C.P. Then M.S. Then #43 home. Insight: Confrontation with Fennie was the Universe allowing me to confront my father. In Fennie’s case, even though I was incomprehensibly fearful of facing him again, he was the one who buckled before I got a chance to confront him at the June 26 H.W. meeting. I posted an Op-Ed about it on the BB. Later in p.m. get email from Anne B. who told me my dean candidacy had been cancelled since I refused to meet with the Dean Search Committee. (*Relates to nasty lady from 2nd dream of June 22, I think.)

June 25 dream:  Rozen water.

June 24, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Still anticipating Sunday H.W. Meeting. Walk to W.P. Talk with Nelson on Ocean Avenue. Go to Peet’s. Eric there. We don’t talk much. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Pam Rodolph emailed minutes from last month’s H.W. meeting. She got most of it right. Which was a relief to me.

June 24 dream:  Sit next to fast take out having dinner. Lend a quarter to a Latino guest. He says, “Now you owe me a dime.” Or something like that. Maybe he’s joking. He says it with a smile.

June 23, 2022:  Online work. Nap. Shits. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Bruce at Peet’s. I’m not in a good mood. Anticipating H.W. Meeting on Sunday. As I leave Peet’s, beautiful woman smiles at me. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue.

June 23 dream:  Newspaper article about shadow of the disease.

June 22, 2022:  I turn on my phone. Sarah calls while my phone is still in my hands. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Stop by 7-11 on Ocean to show my friend the photo I took of him hier. He seemed thrilled. Walk to Peet’s in W.P. Give Daniel secret handshake and he gives me drink discount. Cute guy comes in. I look at Daniel to see if he’s looking at me. Later run into Issa, my newspaper vendor friend. He has a pile of June 17 Chrons celebrating Warriors victory on June 16. I buy one for $5. Then go back to Peet’s and give it to Daniel. Then go back and buy one for myself. Go to W.P. library. Then take T to Castro. Walk by 440 Club. Then walk up Market to Burnett. The L to W.P. Go to W.G. Meet muscular Asian guy who tries to ignore me. Take K home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Men and women have different reproductive organs and therefore have different reproductive diseases. Conclusion: Truth is the Self-possessed organic well-being of the polarity of malefemaleness.

June 22 dream:  Something to do with 2000 and “getting that way” (amorous) at parties.

June 22 dream:  Working for really nasty lady at really menial job. Walk out. Then come back. It’s 6:45 p.m. and I get off at 5:00.

June 22 dream:  Going up elevator whose ceiling keeps getting lower and lower. See Tom O. at ticket booth. I try to talk to him but he doesn’t say anything back.

June 21 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Hot day. Daniel, Justin at Peet’s. I sit outside with author of book on non-profit managers thru Untreed Reads publishing company. Daniel gives me free drink because I called him “Twin” and gave him the secret handshake twice. Go to W.P. library. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Hear hawk at St Elmo Way. Email from Janet C. does not include my dean candidate statement as she had promised.

June 21 dream:  Hold hands in circle of gratitude that we made it thru. I brought a bottle of booze.

June 21 dream:  Driving to a couple of spots. My … not very good.

June 21 dream:  Hot guy and pretty girl do the dishes after I had done them.

June 20, 2022:  Heather’s group at 9 a.m. In ’til about 10:30 a.m. #49 downtown to Warriors parade. Beautiful, black skateboarder gets on. I admire him. He smiles. Get to Market Street around 11 a.m. Cute young Asian guy. Was getting panicky due to the big crowds. So I decided to stay as long as I could. Young guy passing by says to me, “You look like Mike Pence.” That made me laugh and kind of broke my panic. I stayed a short while longer but left about 12:30ish. Parade still hadn’t started. Walked through a few more really crowded street corners without a problem. Walked up Market to Castro. Pass 440 Club twice. Take S to W.P. Douglas happy to see me at Peet’s. Bruce there also. Justin comes in. Drops something on the floor. I pick it up and put it on the counter. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue to W.F. Check out with Min instead of Cole. Min snubs me as usual. I see Henry alone at express land so I buy something just to check out with him. Take nap in p.m.

June 19, 2022:  I present a Sunday Meeting on Empathy Circles today at 11 a.m. 15 attend. See “John” on YouTube video. Feel elated/relieved that Sunday meeting is over and it went well. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio, Daniel and Kai at Peet’s. More fun with Daniel. He says if I call him my twin and give the secret handshake, that he’ll comp me my drink. He showed me the handshake. He said he was GOATed (the “Greatest of All Time”). Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Then #43 home. More online work. Hear “Don’t be chicken” on TV.

June 19 dream:  Big welts on my arm. Lots of people sick with AIDS. I think I’m one of them.

June 19 dream:  “The bigger they are, the harder they fall.”

June 19 dream:  “Thad.”

June 19 dream:  Registering for a Prosperos class. Guy there says he’ll see if he can find out the next vagrant vacancy. I say, “Vagrant!” (*Relates to attending Heather’s class on June 20, and feeling like a vagrant.)

June 18, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Evan, Kai, Daniel and Sergio there. Turns out guy with nice body from June 16 was not Kai, but was Evan. He took my order today and offered that he’s “only 17.” Sergio beautiful but nonverbal. Daniel very funny again. He corrects me on his catch phrase from June 15. It’s “bigger than black and white.” Then he told me the artist who sang that (Lil Baby), though he added, “Of course, he got it from me.” I said I was going to the Warriors parade on Monday. He said maybe he’d see me there. I said I’d be up on the truck with Steph. He said, “Yeah, I taught Step how to shoot.” Evan and Kai seemed to enjoy our dialogue. Go to newspaper place nearby. Issa there said he’d try to set aside a Friday Chronicle for me. Then W.P. library. Then walk up Ulloa. See hawk. Continue to M.S. “Sir Allen” smiles at me. After, follow Taylor, I think, to his car. #48 and M and #29 home. Walk thru W.F. Min looks up as I walk by. Run into same woman on the elevator from June 15. She tells me she’s a fine art painter and that she knows Shrey (from Ingleside Gallery) as well.

June 18 dream:  Looking for killer who sentimentally visits place he used to work. Everybody quit once they found out who he is. I then apply for a job at the post office.

June 18 dream:  See Nancy Ryan twice. The 2nd time I go up and talk to her. She doesn’t seem surprised to see me.

June 17, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Me and Heather and Sarah. My new phone arrives. Spend next 3-1/2 hours with Kevin in Manila trying to activate my phone. We finally got it done at 6:30 a.m. Manila time. Do online work ’til 5ish. Go to W.P. Look in vain for S.F. Chronicle on day after Warriors win the national championship. Finally buy a copy of the San Jose Mercury-News. Go to S.B. Walk home via Monterey Blvd. Nemid on bike passes me on Ocean Avenue.

June 17, 2022:  Return to place I used to hang out. Woman who used to like me is sitting on steps looking through a catalog. I say, “Are you looking for something to buy me?” She says, “Sure. Do you want to come in?” I say, “Yes” even though her apartment is next to the resto where I really want to go, which is also cousin Leigh’s place. Waiter there, who happens to be black, happy to see me.

June 16, 2022:  Zoom class on break-out rooms at noon. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Meet John Pierre at Peet’s. He’s been there before but we never made a connection. I complimented him on the string of pearls around his neck. He said they were his mother’s. Nemid, Bruce there also. Other guy talking to his girlfriend. He had a nice body. Later, as I exited, I realized it was Kai. Run into Bruce across the street at Ezzy-Freezy. Walk home via Yerba Buena and Plymouth Avenues. When I get home, I let in visitor to building who went to #308. Warriors win national championship in p.m.

June 16 dream:  Guy shoots me straw wrapping for which to view video. I don’t catch it, though I compliment him on his throw. (h.o.)

June 16 dream:  The King James Bible is the inspired word of God, someone says.

June 15, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Daniel at Peet’s. He admired by “Bernie So Punk” T-shirt. He says, “Do you want anything else?” I ask him if they have burner phones. He tells me he’s come up with a new saying: “It’s not as simple as black and white.” I say that I’ve never heard that one before. He said he just started it and that in 2 or 3 years everybody will be saying it. (*Relates to hawk from hier in G.P., I think.) Kai got his haircut. Nemid there. Sit next to Bruce who tells me about mold. Walk home via Yerba Buena and Plymouth Avenues. See cute guy taking out the garbage on Plymouth. Go to W.F. Meet Jojo at W.F. She asks me what my plans are for the evening. No Quain. Meet woman on elevator. Insight: “Blessed are the meek.” All the people I really love are what one might call “meek.” They are not world-famous or rich. And if there is a God, I can understand why he said that. The meek, the anonymous, the humble are more lovable than the rich and famous, though I’ve always wanted to be rich and famous. Again, if there is a God, do you really think he’s going to be impressed with how nice your house is, how rich and famous you are in the eyes of others. Or will he be impressed with how much you love others and are loved by others.

June 15 dream:  Sister Nancy living at Saratoga house with lots of cats. We talk about my cat Diablo. And Laurie’s cat Blanca who Nancy thought might have been partially owned by my father. Nancy pretends to pounce on me as a cat. Only it had been declawed.

June 15 dream:  Trying to drive the bus to school in L.A. Deliver phone books. Have to sit down and replace pages.

June 14, 2022:  Hear “You have matriculated” in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See hawk briefly at Diamond and Monterey. Go to library. Then C.B. Rude barista there who I’ve seen before. Walk thru G.C.P. Go to M.S. Smile and wave at cute kid with some sort head protection on. See Danny on way out. #48 to W.P. K home. Hear dog bark on K though there is no dog. Go to W.F. Look for Bearberry tea. They don’t have it. Look for Quain. He’s not there.

June 14 dream:  Going for the mid- to groin area on some woman.

June 14 dream:  Picking up wire hangers off the floor before the maid arrives.

June 14 dream:  Take 2nd shower in my new place. Shower seems to be falling apart. And it’s not really mine. It’s my roommate’s.

June 14 dream:  Teacher about to give talk to packed national event. The subject is: “There is No Rule.”

June 13, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Daniel, Douglas and Justin at Peet’s. Have wonderful conversation with Daniel about burner phones. He asks me why I needed one. I tell him. Then I ask him why he needed one. He clams up. I offer, “Drug deals?” He says, “You know, there are some things you want to keep private.” Douglas is sweating ’cause they still haven’t fixed the AC. Tall, long-haired Asian baristo serves me my drink. He tells me his name is Justin. Listen to E.M. Foerster video on my cell phone. Read article on queer art in Sunday Chron. When I get home, I go to Shrey’s apt. one floor down and give him copy of the article. We talk briefly. I feel bad afterwards but then I work thru it. (*Relates to cockroach in the 1st dream of June 12, I think.)

June 13 dream:  Someone trying to fax large package by pretending it’s smaller.

June 13 dream:  Trying to by a large chocolate covered mint at store in Castro which is just closing. Store next door has nothing much.

June 13 dream:  Leigh and Homer have another baby.

June 13 dream:  I threw a piece of litter into the ocean. And went down to see it. The water was beautiful and inviting but I couldn’t see a way out. Cops there thought somebody else did it. I didn’t go in to retrieve it.

June 12, 2022:  In ’til 1:30 p.m. Take K downtown to Target. Beautiful young man gets on with big pit bull dog in his lap. We lock eyes just before he gets off. Get off at Powell. Go to downtown Target. Guy ahead of me buys the last $20 burner phone so I take M to Stonestown Target to get a $20 burner phone. Then take M back to downtown Target. Gay woman named Ashley activates my burner phone. She stands next to me for a few minutes. I feel very attracted to her, like I want to embrace her. Walk up Market to Castro. See Celtics bus arriving on Market Street with police escort. Walk thru Castro. Walk by 440 Club. Take M to W.P. Beautiful Sergio at Peet’s. I tell him I hardly recognized him since his hair is growing back in. Bruce there, too. Take K to Ingleside Gallery to check out queer art show. Talk with Shrey. Go to new Fruit Barn to buy tomato juice and check out cute owner. Go to W.F. Consider checking out with Min or a kind of mean looking straight guy. I chose the straight guy. His name is Quain or something unusual. We chatted briefly about the old cafe at W.F. before the pandemic. He says, “I hope I see you again.” I say, “I live upstairs so I’m sure you will.” I don’t think he’s straight.

June 12 dream:  Find out that Richard Branam, who is staying with us, is a serial killer. Guy on TV in NY trying to say, “Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom.” See big cockroach. Open door and I shoo it out. It flies away. (*Big cockroach relates to talking to Shrey on June 13?)

June 12 dream:  Apparently dead man is carted off to the ambulance from my home.

June 11, 2022:  See video about Near Death Experience in a.m. Lady said some people come back to make up for the wrongs they’ve done to others. Made me happy to think that my father will have to do that someday, somehow. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Daniel and his friend outside Peet’s trying to empty trash can. I offer to help. Homeless guy who looks kind of like my father peeks into Peet’s. I follow him down street to make sure he’s real. Nemid salutes me as I leave. Decide to go to the Castro to see if Cliff’s has burner phones. Guy smiles at me on the way. Train arrives right away. Arrive at Castro. Hear guy on sidewalk mention 440. So I stop in for a minute. Check out cute young bartender. Then stop at Cliff’s. No burner phones. Then Fabulosa Books. Then P.O. Plus is closed. Walk up Market. Walk up steps. Get pricked by bush. It draws blood. Take #48 to W.P. Then M to Stonestown. Stop by Target again. Find out the phone card I bought two days ago requires a $20 burner phone. #29 home. Go to. W.F. Check out with Cole. Beautiful man walks by outside on Ocean Avenue and sort of smiles. I follow him for a bit. (*Relates to prick earlier and to last dream of June 10? Also to last part of May 20 dream: “Later guy with perfect abs wants me to suck his cock. I want to fight him and fuck him.” The guy with the perfect abs was the stranger walking down Ocean Avenue, I think.)

June 11 dream:  Guy trying to find job.

June 11 dream:  Am on path alone. See tiger approach me. Then there were three tigers. I thought, “Well, this could be the end of me.” Then remembered story of woman in a similar situation who ended up riding the tigers.

June 10, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Heather and Sarah and me. Heather begs off early to see anti-vax video with her partner Cindy. (*See first dream of June 9.) In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to W.P. Nice day. Not the scorcher we were told on the news. Though AC at Peet’s had broke. Bruce was siting outside drawing. Nemid there. He comps me my drink. Dominic there too. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Cute Japanese cashier at CVS. Catch #48 to W.P. Take K home. Insight: As i’m waiting for K, I think maybe reason I feel so much body pain is because I’m punishing myself for how callously I reacted to my mother’s death. Then think again. Maybe it wasn’t that. Maybe it was just that when I leaned on my father for emotional support, as I felt I must, he gave me pain instead. The pain was in the form of taking advantage of me emotionally, if not sexually, and then marrying somebody and telling me, in effect, “Don’t look to me for support. Look to your new mother,” who was unable to support anybody emotionally. So it wasn’t a matter of me punishing myself. I think it’s just because, as a child, pain was what I expected. Then it was emotional pain. Now it’s physical pain. The body never forgets. This was triggered the first time when I relied on the J&J vaccine and then told that there may be a small chance it could cause blood clots. It took me almost a year to recover from that pain. And it happened again a few days ago when Kirk M. called and wanted me to get a booster shot so I could attend the Saratoga High School reunion in July. I told him I was hesitant to get a booster shot since I had such a tough time with the initial J&J shot. He asked me to describe my symptoms. I tried to do that and they sort of started up again. I was on the K as I was having this realization and I passed a road sign saying “San Fernando.” I realized that this was probably the true meaning of my May 20 dream in which a huge gap, the San Fernando river, appeared just before I reach the Golden Gate Bridge. Go to W.F. Check out with Min. There is a young woman behind him. I say, “Do you have a trainee?” He pauses. Then says, “No.”

June 10 dream:  Move in with black woman who’s very touchy about everything.

June 10 dream:  Race car getting ready to go.

June 10 dream:  Guys jumping on stepladder and from floor to floor on scaffolding. Then they all come down on roller coaster like cars. …says probably one of the most romantic… He’s inviting us to participate by helping paint this building.

June 9, 2022:  Was all set to call Kirk M. at 1 p.m. to tell him I didn’t want to get a booster shot to attend reunion on July 9. Then my phone didn’t work. Spent next four hours trying to fix it. Then give up. K to W.P. at 4ish. See Kai and Dominic at Peet’s. Then go to S.B. Then take M to Stonestown to get burner phone even though I don’t know what that is. Impish girl on M. Feels like she was representative of my day. Go to Target. Buy $20 phone card. Walk home. Spend more hours trying to figure out how to activate my new phone card. Get community support via email saying I need a new phone for the new plan. So I order a new phone. Now I’m not sure how I’ll activate the new phone without being able to call in for support.

June 9 dream:  Sister Nancy in charge. She has link with other boss. She keeps accidentally knocking over book shelves. (*Relates to Heather on June 10 bowing out of the Translation group to view a vaccination documentary with her “boss.”)

June 9 dream:  Offer to do big copying job for Connie Caves. Then realize how big the job is.

June 9 dream:  Offer to help sweep floor of very nice house I was staying at. Woman says she was taking a dweep.

June 8, 2022:  In’ til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See my shirtless Asian friend on Ocean. Kai at Peet’s. And long-haired Asian baristo there also. I left my newspaper for him as I did on June 6. Online meeting at 7 p.m. with Edwin, Bill and Timothy to discuss election aftermath. Invite Altonya to June 19 Sunday Meeting. Email Rick about Sunday meeting promo.

June 8 dream:  Calvin and I are on our way cross country. He tells me he’s going to split. Staff from resto comes over to sit with us and at table next to us. One guy is shirtless. Woman says Chinese cook keeps trying to get next to her in kitchen. Calvin offers to buy me big dinner at the Nut Tree resto as a sort of peace offering to make up for leaving me. I tell him to drop it. I see my two step-sisters Nancy and Laurie dressed all in black at a nearby table with a third person. They see me. I go over to their table.

June 7, 2022:  Call Ben in a.m. re my Sunday Meeting on June 19. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Sun at G.P. library. Go to C.B. Nobody there I know. Walk thru G.C.P. to #48 to W.P. K home. Stop by newly re-opened Fruit Barn. Talk briefly with good-looking Arab cashier. He smiles. Go to W.F. Home. Chesa loses D.A. recall. Shahid is eliminated as a Congressional finalist. Yuk.

June 7 dream:  Asian woman leader wants my total commitment in tone of voice.

June 7 dream:  Diane wants total commitment from another person, a woman.

June 7 dream:  Cenk Uygur being funny.

June 6, 2022:  Final Empathy Circle facilitator training session from 10 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Nice chat with Daniel at Peet’s. Hot, long-aired Asian baristo reads my newspaper as he passes by. We smile at each other. Hot young man with hot young body comes in. I notice him. Later I run into him standing at crosswalk. I say, “Is it safe to cross?” He smiles and says, “I’m just waiting for an Uber.” Walk up Monterey Boulevard to Safeway. April, check girl, likes my camera. #43 home. Run into Jesse from Railroad Expresso just as my bus arrives. Jesse insists I take it.

June 6 dream:  Really aggressive, short woman at work. She grabs me by the ass. I grab her pussy. We are in line. I say to her, “You really are aggressive, charming, but aggressive.” Older woman wants ticket to event.

June 6 dream:  Doing some kind of taekwondo. Muscular guy there with shirt off. Trainer says, “Where do you think you are? The 5th floor?” Eric Newton there?

June 5, 2022:  Sunday Meeting with Heather at 11 a.m. 20 people attended. Heather and Ben forgot to mention my upcoming Sunday Meeting on June 19. Later, Kirk McKenzie from Saratoga High School class of 1964 calls about upcoming 58th reunion. It was great to talk with him again after 58 years. Walk to W.P. Eric at Peet’s. Restroom is out of order. KPFA’s Talk-It-Out radio show at 7 p.m. was an edited version of the May 22 Empathy Circle for District 11 congressional candidates. It was great!

June 5 dream:  Gay Pride parade starting from the Castro.

June 5 dream:  Run into same two guys in resto I had run into before. On way to car, step-sister Nancy said I’d be getting a house.

June 4, 2022:  Interfaith/No Faith Empathy Circle from 1-3 p.m. Six of us attended. Walk to W.P. Peet’s regular on W.P. Blvd. asks me if I felt the earthquake hier at 5:05 a.m. I say no. Later we talked about it at Peet’s. Kai, Nemid and Daniel at Peet’s. Kai says he likes my clean cut haircut. He then mentions that he gets his haircut from his girlfriend. Nemid happy I bought a Pride tote bag. Daniel happy to see me. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Feel a little depressed. Maybe ’cause of #308 hier.

June 4 dream:  In mid-flight, having to take survey of different…

June 4 dream:  At table, I need to tell Carla to cancel Collin Main deal.

June 4 dream:  I go into my impression of Flo, the waitress, and I say to young boy I’m baby-sitting, “All right, what would you like?” Just then, his mother arrives behind me.

June 3, 2022:  Translation group with Heather and Sarah at 11 a.m. In’ til 2:3ish. Go to Jun’s for haircut. Have to wait more than 30 minutes but we have good time once we start. Jun says I should take photos of people in secret places having sex. As I leave, I take his photo. Walk to G.P. Brandon at C.B. He comps me again. Monday is his last day. I tell him the place will not be the same without him. He says, “We’ll see you.” Walk thru G.C.P. Take L to W.P. Then take K home. Walk thru W.F. home. Run into #308 as I exit the elevator and he gets on. He looks so hot and so happy to see me. He kind of holds the door open for me to get back on. I choose not to. (*Relates to 2nd dream of June 2, I think. Also to shits from hier about the same time?)

June 3 dream:  Stew we were working on looked good at first. Then really dark and watery.

June 2, 2022:  Nasty email from Acting Dean Fennie. Even though he was being the bully I accused him of being, it still felt like a blow to the solar plexus. Empathy Circle facilitator training buddy call with Dwayne from Las Vegas from 2 to 3 p.m. online. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. No one there I know. Not even Bruce, who is usually there on Thursdays. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Feel shitty. Take shits at M.S. Check out with “Haircut Ed.” #43 home.

June 2 dream:  Getting mustered out from U.S. Navy. Can’t find my shoes.. Just have on pants and white T-shirt. Guy I’m with says I’m his senior. He says, “You’re an officer. I’m enlisted.” He’s about to take some loose money of mine on the floor. I say, “Some of that money is mine” and I wake up.

June 2 dream:  Drive off. See Queen Elizabeth or lookalike, Take right turn and fly into the air. The ground is impossibly far down. I say, “I’m not doing this” and I wake up. (*Relates to seeing an open and inviting #308 on elevator on way in on June 3.)

June 2 dream:  Pass car with lots of stickers on it. I say to myself, “I am a free man. I am not a Negro.”

June 1, 2022:  Monthly BB and bills. Join “MenAlive” online from 3-4 p.m. to discuss the “father wound.” Leave home about 4:20. Feel shitty. Come back. Take shits. Leave again about 4:30ish. Walk to W.P back way. Daniel and Kai at Peet’s. Daniel’s 5th day. I leave at 6 p.m. when they close. Go to S.B. Stay ’til 7ish. Walk home. Go to W.F. Check out with Min and Kevin, same tough fat guy from hier. Also beautiful woman worker. Min kind of rude to me. Insight: Always thought if John and I got together that he would fuck me. Now I think it’s the other way round. Very noisy kids running down hallway and screaming. I go out to look ’cause the screaming sounded serious. They were playing with their dog. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: People behave in a bratty manner ’cause they know they can get away with it. Conclusion: Truth is ripe with blameless right action. Later realized that my feeling of being beleaguered that I’ve run into time after time in my life relates to my feeling beleaguered with my father, having, in effect, to be a parent to him but still pretend to be his child.

June 1 dream:  Woman in hospital we were visiting was Liz Andrews, who was dead.

May 31, 2022:  Get up at 6:30 a..m to sort out my Republic Wireless phone problem. Then get up at 9:30 a.m. to sort out my Bilt app rental payment problem. Then get up at 12:30 p.m. Join Zoom demo meeting late. In ’til about 5ish. Walk down Ocean. Pass Barry Hermanson and Shrey Purohit on sidewalk. They don’t notice me. Take K to W.P. Sergio and Kai and new baristo named Daniel at Peet’s. Had to look 3 or 4 times to make sure it was Sergio. Leave Peet’s at 6 p.m. when they close. Go to Starbucks. Point out dying plant at the S.B. doorway to new baristo. Walk home. Tough fat guy on Ocean smirks at me. Go to W.F. Check out with Kevin, who’s also a tough fat guy who also sort of smirks at me. Ben G. leaves nasty comment for Richard B.’s post on BB. I trash it.

May 31 dream:  Meet young man who I thought was a monkey, but as soon as he talked he had the face of a good-looking young man. He’s taking classes of a sort right here at Amiga. We had to climb steep path made of used tire treads or something.

May 31 dream:  Guy says we have a rat problem.

May 31 dream:  Dream that my step-sister Laurie unexpectedly died.

May 31 dream:  Copying some background info from one screen to another.

May 30, 2022:  Empathy Circle facilitation training session no. 4. A great session. The idea of community grief came up in regard to the Uvalde murders. Work on Bilt app for paying my rent. In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to Safeway. #43 home. Work on new resident app. Republic Wireless tech support tells me that I can’t get texts or incoming calls or voicemail until June 3. So I should take out the new SIM and put in the old SIM card ’til June 2. Learn also that Mercury is retrograde until June 3. Later get message from Republic Wireless that my line has been disconnected. I freak. Of course, it’s too late to call them so I spend a sleepless night Translating and freaking out. Wake up at 6:30 a.m. on May 31 and they tell me everything’s fine. Realize also that I don’t have to use the Bilt app to pay my rent unless I want to. I don’t want to.

May 30 dream:  Mark I, chapter 8. [Chapter 8 of Mark refers to the loaves and fishes story. But Mark 1:8 refers to being baptized by the Holy Spirit.]

May 29, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Kai and Douglas and barista at Peet’s. Nice connection with Kai and barista as I leave. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. See crows chase hawk on the way up. Get very excited about Henrik Ibsen’s play called Rosmersholm which inspired my insight that we all have two kinds of desire: conscious and unconscious. My conscious desire was to be a “good boy.” My unconscious desire was to get rid of my mother so I could have my father all to myself.

May 29 dream:  Sending letter out to a whole list of people. Somebody calls me up and says that I can’t mention some book or item on the front page. I say, “Okay, tell me why.”

May 29 dream:  Dog really happy to see me.

May 28, 2022:  Put in new SIM card in my cellphone. Call tech support (some guys in Manila who I could barely understand) at least five times. I takes me a couple of hours but I do it. Though I feel exhausted by it. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Kai and Nedim and Bruce at Peet’s. Kai tells me about Mac Miller, a rapper who died at 25. Later I listen to Mac’s The Divine Feminine which was pretty good. I posted it on the BB. Feeling “not good enough” for John. (*Relates to shitty toilet paper I was trying to discard in dream of May 24, I think.)

May 28 dream:  Spending the weekend with Nancy and Laurie and some other woman who wants me to make her a Bloody Mary. I laugh when Nancy grabs this woman by the left buttock when she should have grabbed her by the right.

May 28 dream:  Hypnogogic dream: Hear group of men laughing at me. (*John and his “siblings”?)

May 28 dream:  Writing a report to students and teacher of The Prosperos. It turns into a newsletter article.

May 27, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group with Sarah and Heather at 11 a.m. Good group. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. go to library. Then C.B. Brandon there. He tells me he’s going to be leaving C.B. on June 6. He comps my matcha latte and banana bread. I say good-bye to him. He tells me that me and one other person really made his experience at C.B. worthwhile. Then he says, “Don’t fall” and I remember I was on the way to visiting him on February 21 when I fell. And I said to Brandon, “I remember that you were there for me that day” when I came in all bloody and shaken up. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk circles me as I enter. Go to M.S. Check out with “Haircut Ed.” #43 home.

May 27 dream:  Going thru mail. Sitting at table with John. A letter to him slipped out. “Why didn’t you tell me I had mail?” he says. “I didn’t know,” I reply. It’s some sort of prize/advertisement.

May 26, 2022:  Cleaning lady comes by at 11 a.m. She stays for three hours. She was pretty slow and not very thorough and didn’t get around to all the things I hoped she would. She/they charged $100. I thought I deserved the luxury of having somebody come in and clean for me to celebrate my 10 year anniversary of being here. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Meeting my Hemingway friend, Marcus, on the way. He tells me he is reading Hemingway’s Garden of Eden. Bruce at Peet’s. Also barista I like. Pick up my cleaned carpet (for $120). Take K home. Clean up parts of my place the cleaning lady missed. Now I’m all cleaned up and ready to go.

May 25, 2022:  Go to CopyEdge. Run into Tom Blair from CCSF there. Run into Shrey on sidewalk. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Kai, Eric and Nemid at Peet’s. Leave about 5 p.m. Walk down W.P. Blvd. Stop by C.S. Reading Room to see Ladi, but he’s not in. Walk home. Think “I’ve got to be rich of famous to be listened to.” Guy smiles at me. Stop at W.F. Talk with cute, young, hair-dyed guy named Mason who is in charge of the vegetable department. I say, “You’re doing a great job.” He smiles. Check out with Harrold with two “r’s.” Joke with guy behind me in line about Paris with one “r.”

May 25 dream:  Resetting my connections. (h.o.)

May 25 dream:  Touring Ocean Front Walk apartment building. It was a dive when I lived there in 1973. But now parts of it are really nice and are part of a really nice neighborhood.

May 24, 2022:  Edwin sends me video of May 22 Empathy Circle. I watch it all. Very happy with it. In ’til 4:30ish. Shits before I leave. Walk to G.P library. Friendly guy on Circular Avenue smiles at me as I think John must really like me. Shits at G.P. library. Then follow good looking Latino man with black shirt and really tight white pants into burrito shop. When he leaves, I leave. Walk to G.C.P. Guy on Arbor Drive, washing his car. I say, “Are you the guy with the dogs that bark at me all the time?” He says, “Probably.” I say, “Where are they?” He says, “They’re probably inside.” I say, “Well, they’re not doing their job.” He smiles. Then they start barking. Walk thru G.C.P. Then go to M.S. Homeless guy on Portola Drive rushes up to me and says, “Give it with gusto! Give it with gusto!” See “Sir Allen” at M.S. but he doesn’t see me. Check out with middle-aged guy. I say, “Where’s your name tag.” He says, “It fell off.” I say, “I hope that doesn’t mean anything.” He lets out a loud, evil guffaw. And immediately became a much more interesting person. Walk to Laguna Honda Blvd. Beautiful dark-haired young man walking with young woman. As I pass, I see how handsome he is and I kind of fall backwards. I think he noticed. #43 home.

May 24 dream:  Up in the North Bay visiting relatives. It’s a nice place. I have a piece of shitty toilet paper in my hand. I’m trying to find a place to throw it away. One of my aunts tells me, “You’ll be living here. You’re in.”

May 23, 2022:  Third Empathy Circle facilitation training from 10 a.m. to 12:30ish. Good group. We had to handle challenges that the facilitator might need to handle. Decide to try to fix my DVD player. Go to place in Colma. The guy is Asian and wants to have me pay him on the tailgate of his truck. He was asking $40 for an estimate. I think he was a scam artist. Take BART back to Glen Park. Really cute young blond guy with his girlfriend. He tries to avoid my glance. Then Muni to 20th and Mission electronics store. The guy gave me a piece of crap DVD player for $40. I say “piece of crap” ’cause I couldn’t get it to work. But the salesman I ended up with was handsome and his smile was worth at least $40. I call Best Buy. Very nice guy on the phone. I plan to go in the next day so I ask him if he’s going to be there tomorrow. He says no. So I go down to Best Buy about 6 p.m. When I get there the young man I got was not thrilled to see me. But I bought a name brand $40 DVD player and an HDMI chord for almost $40. And I got it home and was finally able to make it work.

May 23 dream:  Am talking with gay historian. John is with me. I tell John that Anne Fortune, the woman I was talking to, used to be Harvey Milk’s chief aide.

May 23 dream:  I make a face at a homeless Bob Labansat. He says he’s going to get back at me some day. Am on crowded bus. Robby McEwen is driving us over aqua green water at edge of ocean. I wondered how that was happening. But we kept going.

May 22, 2022:  High Watch meeting at 9 a.m. Much ado about the Dean straw poll again. District 11 Congressional candidate empathy circle from noon to 2ish. At first, it looked like it would just be me, Shahid Buttar and Timothy Regan from KPFA. An hour into it, we were joined by Bianca Von Krieg. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio there again. He waits on me. I noted that he no longer had on black fingernail polish. I ask him about it. He says his girlfriend asked him to try it, but that he didn’t like it. Talk with Hanz on phone for about an hour about H.W. Meeting in a.m. Stay at Peet’s ’til almost 6 p.m. Sergio sees me leave. (*Relates to shits from hier about the same time?)

May 22 dream:  Young woman on Market Street gives me eye dropper object which will show me what used to be.

May 21, 2022:  Get email from Shahid Buttar being wobbly about attending District 11 Empathy Circle tomorrow. (*See dream of May 20.) Interfaith Empathy Circle from 1-3 p.m. Heather attends. It’s a good group. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s. As I leave, he’s picking up the tables from outside. I say, “Closing up?” He smiles. Walk around W.P. a bit. Feel a bit “shitty.” Then a lot “shitty.” Rush to S.B. bathroom. Take shits. Unfortunately the toilet doesn’t flush. Have to tell baristo. How embarrassing. Take K to W.F. Check out with Min who looks like he just got a haircut. I say, “New haircut?” He smiles.

May 20, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Sarah and Heather and I. It was a really good group. Order apartment cleaning for May 26. In ’til 4ish. My alarm clock is broken so I take #43 to Cole Valley to get new clock. Stop at Peet’s. #37 to Castro comes right away. Walk by 440 Club. Lots of older gay men outside. (*See first dream of May 19.) As I walk up 18th Street, older woman nods at me as if in approval. Walk up Market to M.S. Run into my good-looking homeless friend Christian. His wife’s pregnant so they’re looking for housing through Linkage in S.F. I give him $20 though I would have given him $10 if I had had the change. Wait for #48 with young man with curly hair and pink finger nail polish. As soon as I get on bus I catch the eye of slouching bad boy with Elvis Presley sneer. I sit across from him and pretend to be overwhelmed. Take K home. Send email update to May 22 Empathy Circle. Turns out my alarm clock was not broken. The battery had just run down. Find big pimple on my chin. (Will I ever outgrow my adolescence?) Find out I’m now in Nancy Pelosi’s District 11, no longer Jackie Speier’s district. Made me happy.

May 20 dream:  About to arrive at destination, the Golden Gate Bridge. Suddenly a big gap appears. It is the San Fernando River. Later guy with perfect abs wants me to suck his cock. I want to fight him and fuck him.

May 19, 2022:  Renew lease online. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. See my shirtless Asian friend on Ocean. Dominic at Peet’s. I compliment him on his T-shirt which he says he designed himself by putting a black T-shirt in with a lot of bleach. Bruce there also. See homeless man pushing a cart stick his face in the door at Peet’s. He looks like John. (*Relates to shits from hier at about the same time?) Walk home. Stop at W.F. Check out with guy who made me feel good. Call John in p.m. and ask him if he was in W.P today. He says he wasn’t. So was it a tulpa who stuck his head in the door at Peet’s? (*Relates to first dream of May 16?) See “Golden Opportunity” in p.m.

May 19 dream:  John shows up at store I’m at. I say, “I was just thinking about you,” which I was. Then some other gay guys start gathering around us. I say, “Oh, I see you brought a troupe.” He says he just saw the movie Sibling at the Castro Theatre. Then he starts holding hands with one of the gay guys. They’re all older than him. I’m feeling more and more out of the loop. John is acting giddier and giddier. (*Relates to walking past 440 Club on May 20 and seeing all the older gay men there, I think.)

May 19 dream:  My boss gets very angry at me. He accused me of putting something in his ear. He showed me a small pink string with a small bulb at the end. It said “Saratoga High School” on it. He asked me about the Brever account. I said, “I don’t know anything about it.”

May 18, 2022:  Talk with Selene Aitken, my Empathy Circle trainer, at 2 p.m. In ’til 4ish. Walk out. Have to take shits. Walk home. Take shits at about 4:30 p.m. Take K to W.P. Eric, Kai and Nedim at Peet’s. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Sammy instead of Min. Min looks on in anger?

May 17, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See Nelson at W.G. on Ocean Avenue. Douglas at Peet’s. Not wearing a mask. Looks really handsome. Nemid there. Also hottish Asian baristo. Cute Waldorf student tries to stare me down. I grab my crotch in response. Take #23 to Safeway. Cute student sits in back. Girl looks back at him. I lay off since he seems a bit defensive. But I do look back after I get off the bus. Go to Safeway. #43 home.

May 17 dream:  Guy at patio of fast food resto. Asks for help with his plane. Other guy (a pilot who’s done this before) with a Raiders of the Lost Ark outfit gets in single engine plane and it takes off on its own.

May 16, 2022:  Facilitator training week 2 from 10 a.m. to 12:30. In ’til 4ish. K to Castro. Fabulosa Books. Last time. Decide to go to City Hall to see Supervisor Rafael Mandelman to ask him to act as a surrogate for Nancy Pelosi at May 22 Empathy Circle. Take T to Van Ness. Then #49 on new Van Ness BRT. Mandelman not in. Go to Myrna Melgar’s office. Meet her aide, Megan Imperial. She likes me. I like her. She says she probably can’t help me. Check out 1030 :Polk Street resto. Then take #49 home. Feel bad. No one is answering my emails. No Prosperos. No Empathy Circle speakers. And I’m taking on all the blame.

May 16 dream:  Sitting with John at his workplace. He points out to me something he thinks is funny. Our arms are intertwined.

May 16 dream:  Black guy says to other black guy, “Go out there and be ostentatious.”

May 16 dream:  Computer printout of all my dreams for the last several years.

May 15, 2022:  In ’til 2:30ish. K to Castro. Creepy skateboarder with cute sidekick. Go to Fabulosa Books. Only one bag left. See my book on rites of initiation on display at the front desk. Think it’s a sign that I’m undergoing such a rite. Go to W.G. Walk to G.P. See blue bird at peak. Daniel at C.B. Also Jessica (from April 18). She smiled at me when I noticed her. I sat next to her as it was the only seat available, but I didn’t initiate any further conversation with her. And neither did she. See beautiful young blond guy at Diamond and Bosworth. Take #23 to Foerster. Then realize blond guy would probably be on #36. So I get off and wait for #36. When it arrived, he was sitting alone at the back of the bus. I sit down on the other side of the back seat. I stay on ’til he gets off somewhere in Midtown Terrace. Realize he wasn’t homeless. He just used that as a kind of disguise. (*Relates to circling hawk from hier?) Stay on #36 to Forest Hill. Jump onto #43. Accidentally bump into beautiful, well-dressed biracial woman who smiles nicely at me when I apologize for bumping her. See Ft. Collins, CO, on DVD.

May 15 dream:  Three strings attached to coffee cup.

May 15 dream:  Clear creek with big angel fish swimming in it. Also two tigers. Woman swims toward guy. He breaks away. Then bites the tiger and runs away.

May 14, 2022:  Three strong heart palpitations about 3 a.m. on going to sleep. In ’til 2ish. Wait 40 minutes for K. Go to Castro. Big pro-choice rally. Go to Fabulosa Books. Go to W.G. Pass handsome black-haired Asian guy sitting at table on Castro. Double back and speak with him briefly. Wait for #35. Walk up a block. Take #24 to 26th Street. Walk to Diamond. #35 to G.P. Go to library. Then Canyon Market patio with Carlos Hernandez and Leslie from Braver Angels. Take #44 to S.B. Portola Drive. Nice interaction with baristo named Angel. Hawk, I think, circling on Portola. #48 to W.P. K home. Go to W.F. Want to check out with Emily, but decide I should check out with Min. He’s still taciturn.

May 14 dream:  By shooting 3 or 4 targets, we will get help. (h.o.)

May 14 dream:  Staying at George H.W. Bush’s beautiful, modern, rough-textured cement house with wood trim. Wondered when I would have my own home. Some homeless people breathing on the windows. I tease them for a while. Then I open the window to talk with them. Later homeless woman marches off to fight saying that I told them that old homeless people were homosexual.

May 13, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group from 11 a.m. to noon with Heather and Sarah. Heather rally concerned about a one-world government and losing her property rights. Then she questions my Translation. That upset me. Work on it all day. Realize I had the same relationship with my father. He was somebody I didn’t respect and when he would criticize me I felt frustrated ’cause I didn’t have the nerve or the trust in him to come right out and say that. Linda Bass, Empathy Circle facilitator, calls me at 2 p.m. We talk for about a half hour. She’s a church-going black woman who lives in Texas and who I like a lot. I explain the empty chair technique to her. She asked, “Can you talk to a hypothetical rapist that way?” I say, “Sure.” In ’til 4ish. K to Castro. Go to Fabulosa Books. Then pass 440 Club. Walk up Market to L to W.P. Go to S.B. Lots more bratty kids. K to W.P. Nice connection with bakery guy. Check out wit Emily.

May 13 dream:  Have to go back to work. Walk in and the place is painted all white. Someone jokes that I could do a mural to add some color.

May 12, 2022:  Talk with Carlos Hernandez from Braver Angels. In ’til 3ish. K to Castro. Waldorf kids get on at W.P. Short, dark and handsome kid sits near me. I check him out. As I get off he closes his eyes and lays back with his legs crossed. I brush up against his leg with my tote bag. Go to Fabulosa Books. Then follow smoking (Iiterally) Asian guy up Castro. Check out 440 Club to see if he’s there. He isn’t. Walk up 18th Street. Go to P.O. Walk up Market to M.S. Check out with Quincy. Show him photo I took of him, on my cellphone. Go to S.B. Give $2 to Randy. Handsome homeless guy comes in with his dog. And later comes back to pick up something he forgot. Lots of loud, bratty SOTA kids. Order Roundtable pizza. #43 home. Chat with Edwin about May 22 Empathy Circle for District 11 Congressional candidates. Alex from the Czech Republic is supposed to call at 11 p.m. (8 a.m. his time) but we email instead.

May 12 dream:  Candidate eating and talking where my genitals usually are.

May 11, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. K to Castro. W.G. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Market to #48 to W.P. Kai and Eric at Peet’s. Bruce also. Talk with woman about Think Again book by Adam Grant. K to W.F. Order veggie BLT from counter guy from April 30 and his friendly friend. He’s a lot cuter and nicer today. Check out with Henry and his friend. Decide not to attend Dean Search Committee interview I was invited to via email earlier in the day.

May 11 dream:  Living room conversations.

May 10, 2022:  Hear Emma on Majority Report say, “Everything’s connected.” In ’til 3ish. K to Castro. Cute, blond, thin, tough-acting teen gets on. Pretends to be all macho. Finally when he leaves, he smiles self-consciously at me. Go to Castro. Go to Fabulosa Books. Then W.G. Walk to G.P. Sun at library. Dave at C.B. Barista there kind of rude. Leave message for robocaller, “Yes, I’m interested.” #36 to Foerster. Get burrito at food wagon. Check in on Jun. He’s busy cutting somebody’s hair. Walk to Gennessee. #43 home. Walk home with Peter.

May 10 dream:  Honoring the war dead. Very old guy says he’s conservative. I say, “I’m very liberal and I think what you are doing is great.” We hug. And almost kiss.

May 10 dream:  Women basketball players putting bottles up up each other’s vaginas.

May 10 dream:  Hear “See you Saturday.”

May 9, 2022:  Empathy Circle facilitator training from 10 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. 23 attended. In ’til 3ish. Take K to Castro. Lots of teens from Waldorf School get on. Make connection with gay student. He gets off at Castro. I run after him. Pass 440 Club. Lose student on 18th Street. Go to Fabulosa Books. Walk to G.P. Dave at C.B. #23 to Safeway. Talk with cute Asian guy checking out the strawberries. I say, “Are they in season?” He says he doesn’t know. I say, “Well they look good” and walk away. I think he was interested in me but I wasn’t really interested in him. Was about to get down on myself again as I usually do. But I caught myself. #43 home.

May 9 dream:  Moving from 12 to 13.

May 9 dream:  A guy named Jil.

May 9 dream:  Carol Carter and Marilyn Deurell are still alive.

May 8, 2022:  Get call from Monkeybrains. Internet back up. This time they don’t blame me. In ’til 3ish. K train breaks down as soon as I arrive at Lee Avenue station. Take #29 to M. Flirt with cute young guy sitting across from me, trying to ignore me. Take M to Castro. Fabulosa Books. Pass large unbussed table at parklet on Castro. I say to young man standing next to me, “Looks like a big dinner.” He agrees. Look back at him and smile. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Market to L to W.P. Go to Starbucks. Nice barista there. K home.

May 8 dream:  Working on somebody’s will. I become an “eiree.”

May 8 dream:  Having a shark tank in my living room.

May 8 dream:  Something to do with Billye Talmadge [who pointed out to me my people pleaser personality many years ago].

May 7, 2022:  My birthday a few years ago. Online Interfaith (and No Faith) Empathy Circle from 1-3 p.m. About 12 of us attended. Woman from country of Georgia. Polish man from Germany convinced me to become an anarchist. In ’til 4ish. K to Castro. Bag of books to Fabulosa Books. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Market to M.S. Check out with Quincy whose picture I took a few days ago. I told him his photo was probably on F.B. He said he quit F.B #48 to W.P. Go to S.B. Tall woman comes in with very short skirt. I look at her. She smiles. (*Relates to lions chasing zebra dream of May 6.) Take K home. See “Perfection.” My grocery bag drops over. Three people rush to help me out. Order Vietnamese sandwich. Woman says, “Just one/” As if, naturally, I’d be ordering one for my partner at home. As I’m about to turn in for the night, internet goes down and loud party downstairs breaks up. I say, “Shut the fuck up. It’s 3 in the morning.”

May 6, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Heather and Sarah and I attend. Ned dropped out. Go to copy shop. Pick up invitation for Nancy Pelosi to attend Empathy Circle. Take K to Civic Center. Go to Federal Building at 90-7th Street. Security guards won’t let me in. They say her office is closed. They make me go outside to call Pelosi’s office. Office says it’s closed due to COVID. I tell security guard he should have told me that. He agrees and says, “Have a nice day.” I say, “Fuck you.” I don’t remember ever being so angry. (*Relates to the fight with my father which I wasn’t looking forward to in dream of May 4, I think.) Walk up to Castro. Step into 440 Club. Only one customer at the bar. I say to bartender, “Did I come too early?” he says, “No. We open at noon.” Go to Castro P.O. Mail invite to Pelosi. Walk up 18th and Market to #48 to W.P. As I get off the back door of the bus see beautiful guy get on at the front door. So I rush to the front door to get a closer look. The black female bus driver is amused at how quickly this guy turned my head. Go to Peet’s. Douglas there. Have nice connection with him. Walk down W.P. See and talk with Ladi at C.S. Reading Room. As I leave, I say, “I feel like I’ve been to Sunday School.” Long wait for K. Have connection with young teen with dark hair and dark eyes. Go to W.F. Check out with trainee Alex who was working with Min. have nice conversation with Alex. Min is still mute.

May 6 dream:  Outlook.

May 6 dream:  Going thru vast landscape. See unicyclist. Think I’d like to explore this. Later see three lions chasing zebra. Think I’m better off where I am. Then realize I’m vulnerable too. Try to paddle with my hands but I’m not going anywhere.

May 6 dream:  Give cookie to tiger who seemed to remember me. (*Relates to realizing first dream of May 6 did not relate to real lions, but to my fear of my own sexuality.)

May 5, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Take K to Castro. Young teen gets on and sits across from me. He gets off at Castro as do I. Pass 440 Club. Go to Fabulosa Books. Then W.G. Pass 440 Club again. Walk up Market to #48 to W.P. Another young teen boy connects with me. Go to Peet’s Sergio there. At one point he is standing close to where I am sitting and I can feel my desire for him in my chest. Decide to go to Pelosi office demain to invite her to Empathy Cafe. (*See last dream of May 4.) Pam sent out Dean Straw Poll email to the entire High Watch. That felt that a real accomplishment.

May 5 dream:  Woman says she’ll drive to three locations and choose the room she’ll stay at.

May 5 dream:  Getting ready for big party. Three of us rent a room and get dressed. I wear loud blue and silver shirt, even louder than the red and black shirt worn by the tall, well-built black guy.

May 5 dream:  Helping little Chinese girl with her homework.

May 4, 2022:  Internet goes down. Then up. Monkeybrains blames me. In ’til 2:30ish. K to Castro. Bag of books to Fabulosa Books. W.G. Walk up Market to #48 to W.P. Nedim and Kai at Peet’s. Also obnoxious trio of local school kids. Take K home. As I get on train, elderly Asian man motions me to a vacant seat. Makes my day. Timothy Regan of KPFA and Shahid Buttar agree to May 22 Empathy Circle. Send out invite to others.

May 4 dream:  Dad gets home. So do Laurie and Nancy. Laurie is pregnant. I know I have to say good-bye to them. I can’t just leave. But I don’t want another fight.

May 3, 2022:  In ’til 2:30ish. Take K to Castro Distant hawks on Ocean. Take books to Fabulosa Book. Go to W.G. Walk to G.P. Hawk and crow on Farnum Street. Dave at C.B. Also Jessica from April 18 with a new short haircut. #36 to Forest Hill. #43 home. Guy/woman getting off #43. We exchange glances. She has the build of man but the hair and face of a woman.

May 3 hypnagogic dream:  German Shepard dog.

May 3 dream:  Construction at Democracy Now!

May 2, 2022:  In ’til 2:30ish. K to Castro. Felt safe to take escalator up at Harvey Milk Plaza. But I was wrong ’cause beautiful young man walks down the steps and I miss him ’cause I took the escalator. I rush down to Castro Station and try to find him. A train arrives and departs for the west. I miss him. He’s no where to be found. Pledge I’ll never take that escalator again (unless I’m following somebody up). Go to Fabulosa Books. Then W.G. Then walk to G.P. Dave at C.B. #23 to Safeway. Check out with Dominic. He’s business admin. student at S.F. State. Run into Hemingway friend at Gennessee & Monterey. (See diary of October 8, 2021.) Walk home. Shahid Buttar calls me in p.m. I suggest he join an Empathy Circle. Talk with Edwin Rutsch (from Empathy Circles) later.

May 2 dream:  Laying down. Riding in a bus. Old woman in fur coat blocks exit. When I finally decide to kick her, she’s not there any more.

May 2 dream:  Woman objects to construction of big steel building in Paris. Says it will make it harder for people. Later visit my father who is baby-sitting his three kids and a second cousin. All are in, like, shoe boxes.

May 1, 2022:  Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 3ish. K to Castro. 3rd bag of books to Fabulosa Books. Walk up 18th Street to P.O. Then up Market to #48 to W.P. On way to Peet’s, follow young man into Calibur hamburger shop. Go to Peet’s. Talk a lot with Eric and later with Nedim. Take shits in restroom. Go to Calibur. On leaving guy from Calibur, who I had seen before, give me penetrating look which knocks me off balance. Walk down W.P. Look into Goat Hill Pizza. Exchange look with cashier there. Then exchange look with cute guy on sidewalk. K comes right away. Go to W.F. Follow long-haired guy to medical aisle. He leads me to caricature of hunky guy with blond hair in his face, muscles and tight pants, standing on a ladder with a blank look on his face. I think, “Okay, that’s just too much” and walk on. Check out with Cole. Pushy guy behind me, just like hier.

May 1 dream:  I am watching over river. Beautiful red-haired man. Then his beautiful red-haired girlfriend. My boss is jumping on plywood over river. I tell him not to do that. He falls in. I stick my face in the water to try to see him. Then he is out of the river, in a basement. He runs into his former wife.

April 30, 2022:  Woke up earlier than usual to a lot of construction noise. Go outside to see what is going on. Run into guy who is doing the same thing. We talk briefly. His name is Jun. Afterwards, I figured out that he is probably Shrey’s roommate one floor below me. Take K to Castro. Take 2nd bag of books to Fabulosa Books. Go to W.G. Let two other guys go before me so I can check out with Alan, a sweet good-looking young man. Pass by 440 Club. Walk up Market to S.B. Portola. They’re open but no indoor seating. Walk down to W.P. Go to S.B there. They stay open ’til 8 p.m. K to W.F. Stand in line for burrito. Guy tries to cut in front of me. He puts his order in basket and leaves. Counter guy lets me go first. I get burrito. It’s not very good. Check out with Min who is very taciturn.

April 30 dream:  Walking thru office of 1907 President of U.S. Just a lot of cubicles.

April 30 dream:  Trying to find the town of Michigan.

April 30 dream:  Go to party. Bill Chiles looks really good. Other guy is fooling around with him so I decide to also. After, riding 4-wheel bike on Mission Street. Realize I forgot my leather jacket.

April 29, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Three of us attend. At one point, Heather questions me about something and I can feel myself become very defensive. Take K to rug cleaners. Leave off my 4×6 throw rug with 10 years of accumulated dust and dirt. They say it’ll be ready in 2-3 weeks. Go to Peet’s W.P. Douglas there. We talk briefly. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” #43 home.

April 29 dream:  Finish my assignment to prepare and eat a meal. It was pretty good. Had some left over. Strange guy comes over to say goodbye.

April 29 dream:  Guy asks me out to party. He kisses me. Then other guy comes up to me while we are talking. Then woman.

April 28, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Take K to Castro. It looks pretty good. Take bag of books to Fabulosa Books. Then go to S.B. on 18th Street. Customer smiles at me. Is he coming on to me? Take shits there. Walk to G.P. Sun at library. C.B. about to close at 5 p.m. so I decide to go home. See that #35 to Castro is arriving in a minute so I take #35 to Castro. Pass 440 Club. See two cute guys at Market and Castro. One with a cute ass. The other was a vaper with a cute face. Decide to follow the vaper. Lose him on the other side of Castro. (*Relates to shits from hier on getting home?) Take K home. Run into #308 and his wife and daughter on walking to my apartment. I turn around twice to see if it’s him.

April 28 dream:  My father comes to work dressed up. I’m also a bit dressed up. He says, “Do you have a date?” I had one last Friday. I say “No.” His hair was all combed forward. Usually he combs it back.

April 28 dream:  List of financial entities like securities, concierge. I don’t know what concierge means.

April 28 dream:  Clearing off everybody’s picnic table and my own. Have to finish by noon. Guy says, “It doesn’t matter.” I say, “It does.”

April 27, 2022:  Get lottery email for 949 Post Street. Not sure I want to return to that neighborhood. Walk to W.P. Run into shirtless Asian friend on Ocean. Feel “shitty” on way to W.P. Eric and Kai at Peet’s. Kai tells me that Kai is Hawaiian for “ocean.” Talked briefly with Kai and Eric. Two of Eric’s good-looking friends wait for me to finish. Blond one smiled at me like a lover. Jasper Craig and his mom at Peet’s. She was adjusting his pants. Seemed inappropriate to me. Walk up Ulloa. Run into Jasper Craig and his mom again. He waves at me. I wave back. #43 home. Go to W.F. Check out with Dylan. Take shits on arriving home. Started cleaning up my library.

April 27 dream:  My TV threatened me not to turn the channel. I did anyway. Tried to get channel 60.

April 27 dream:  Big N.Y. art show in gallery with floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the Castro. Somebody is trying to change my mind to not quit.

April 27 dream:  Realize I don’t like Harriet and don’t like my father that much and that I don’t have to visit them if I don’t want.

April 26, 2022:  Submit “straw poll for Dean” email from me and Hanz. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Sun at library. Older guy and young girl flirt with me at C.B. Walk to Safeway. As I cross street swarthy taxi driver honks at me. I had the right of way. Wondered why he was honking. As he passed he leered at me. He was hot for my soon-to-be-76-year-old ass!!! Walk on to Safeway. #43 home.

April 26 dream:  Trying to do my work but the electricity is out.

April 25, 2022:  #29 and #38 to VA podiatry appointment at 11 a.m. Dr. Mah said I no longer have a callous on my foot. We fist bump. He says now I can go back to walking on the beach. “I know you like to do that,” he says. (*Relates to distant hawks circling each other hier?) Go to La Promenade. Then stop in great cafe on Balboa with home-made bread and baked goods. And beautiful muscular man holding his baby in his arms. I circled around him to get a better view. Walk thru G.G. Park to Inner Sunset. N to Cole Valley. Go to Peet’s. Stay ’cause of tall young man in white T-shirt. But we have no connection. As I leave he was surrounded by older women customers. Tried to get Vietnamese sandwich at Luke’s. Line too long. #43 home. Go to W.F. Took several minutes trying to get Jeremy’s attention in the bakery department. It was worth it. He, too, was surrounded by female attention. Call Hanz in p.m. Insight: Maybe my fear is really my father’s fear.

April 25 hypnagogic dream:  Woman in sun dress painting my apartment white.

April 25 dream:  Something to take to have a mystical experience. Looked like a chocolate sundae.

April 25 dream:  Statue of seated man joins em in our group meditation. After, he’s escorted away.

April 25 dream:  Confrontation with the trustees in conference room on top floor of S.F. office building with view of the bay. Someone says I should leave. I don’t. Then someone calls. And we all laugh ’cause we knew somebody probably would call.

April 24, 2022:  High Watch meeting at 9 a.m. They accept my idea to have a Dean straw poll. Talk with Hanz after. Interfaith Empathy Café from 1-3. About 10-12 people. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Peet’s W.P. Anonymous call while I’m ordering. Talk with Eduardo. He’s not only a baristo, but he’s a climate scientist who’s going back to London in a few weeks for a job. Kia there too. Walk up Ulloa. Beautiful dark-haired, dark-eyed young man at the corner of Ulloa and W.P. Nice young skateboarder on Ulloa. Distant hawks. #43 home.

April 24 dream:  Waiting for the big planes to arrive before we can start the event. Woman in mock costume watching something live from Meredith Street.

April 24 dream:  I feel really bad that I hurt Aida’s leg which had already been injured. Guys and gals going to work. Guy tries to hug other guy who doesn’t want to be hugged.

April 23, 2022:  Empathy Circle from 10-noon. Very moving. Missed Jeroen. AOL error message again. Send out BB via Gmail. Nice to know I have that option. Spent much of the day trying to communicate with AOL. Finally leave home about 5:15 p.m. Go to Java Hut. Nice, overweight but extremely friendly barista there. They stay open ’til 6:30. Stop at W.F. Check out with Min. Talked about W.F. not requiring masks any more.

April 23 hypnagogic dream:  See my mother walking by our table outside. Couldn’t see her face too well. She was about 50 or 60.

April 23 dream:  Opening magic chest of drawers by command.

April 22, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. 4 of us attended. Ben says you could tell who was in the inner circle of The Prosperos because Thane would yell at them a lot. Then he added that Thane yelled at him a lot. Get “suspicious activity” notice again on AOL. In ’til 3ish. Shirtless Asian friend on Ocean. Go to Peet’s W.P. Douglas there. Finish Lincoln: The Practical Mystic. As I leave, Douglas comes rushing up to me excitedly and tells me that he just found out that he made the waitlist for U.C. Riverside. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. “Sir Allen” there but we don’t speak. Take photo of friendly black guy I checked out with. #48 and K home. Run into #308 and his family getting into their car on ocean. Jerk off in p.m.

April 22 dream:  Was with my family trying to buy a religious icon. Girl clerk apologized that the yellow pad wasn’t attached as usual. Then said something like, “I know you’re religious even if I tried to get you to go out with me.”

April 22 dream:  Several girls interested in me. Try to remember their names.

April 21, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Woman in Balboa Park I internally told to stay away. If I had it to do over, I would have greeted her in some way. Dave at C.B. Go to C.P. Library. Sun there but we don’t speak. Feel shitty on leaving C.B. Walk up to G.C.P. but then down again to G.C.P. restroom. Take shit. Walk thru lower portion of G.C.P. Very green and beautiful. Took photos. Follow young guy to Laguna Honda Boulevard. Realize he’s interested in sex. Realize also he’s probably under age, if not legally, then certainly emotionally. #43 home. Stop at W.F. Buy Chantilly cake in honor of Doug, who I haven’t seen in quite a while and who recommended this cake to me. Check out with Henry and Isaiah. I ask if the new W.F. in Stonestown is ruining their business. They say it is. Walt Whitman documentary in p.m.

April 21 dream:  Trying to arrange my seating. Notice Tom O. is in my same row. He’s in the middle. I’m on the side. So I go over and talk to him. Consider sitting next to him.

April 21 dream:  Window at library had been broken. There was an anonymous note which said, “Power Play.” Someone expected it was my boyfriend. I walked stiffly away, pretending I couldn’t hear them calling after me.

April 20, 2022:  In ’til 12:30 p.m. #29 and #38 to VA for hand clinic appointment. Same brusk female nurse as last time on March 30. Doctor still didn’t talk to me personally. Go to La Promenade on Balboa. Pass unwelcoming woman on way in and beautiful man on way out. Walk thru G.G. Park. Distant hawk. Take “furtive photo” of tattoo on back of guy’s leg. Handsome guy walking towards me smiles. Go to 9th & Irving. Take N to Cole Valley. Go to Peet’s. Impatient woman cashier taps her long, painted fingernails impatiently as I order. I leave a $.50 tip. A few minutes later, she thanks me out loud. I imagine she was being sarcastic. Group of 6 or 7 SFPD outside in Peet’s parklet. I take photo of them. #43 home. Try to catch up on online work. AOL breaks down. Says I’m being hacked. I call AOL support in Manila. After much Translation and self-transcendence, it finally works again.

April 20 dream:  Looking at my calendar. It’s getting busy again.

April 20 dream:  Working at fun place.

April 19, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Douglas and Sergio there. Later Walter L. walks in. He tells me about the 4th step of the 12 Step program which includes a list of the things you fear (which list can be updated periodically) and a thorough sexual history. Douglas looking good in unbuttoned shirt over dark tee. Have brief conversation with Sergio as I leave. It was good to get a smile out of him. Read much of Lincoln: The Practical Mystic. Walk up Ulloa to Roundtable Pizza. Order pizza. It’s much better than Goat Hill Pizza. Eat two slices before #43 arrives. Sit next to cute young guy in short pants and across from homeless black guy talking menacingly to himself or to somebody on the phone. About half way home, he says, “Can I have a slice of your pizza?” I say “No” emphatically and without hesitation. Young man looks up at me as I exit bus. I wanted to look back but was so impacted in my response to black guy that I couldn’t.

April 19 dream:  Some old file boxes about Christ. Wondering if I should get rid of them.

April 19 dream:  My house is on fire around me. I’m not too upset.

April 18, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Beautiful biracial young man from Lick-Wilmerding smiles at me with his eyes while I look for Sebastian who I met on February 10. Go to C.B. Brandon there. Dave too. Also met Jessica, 29-year-old from Taiwan. We talk for almost an hour. I think she wanted me to ask her out. (*See second dream of April 17.) It’s raining so I take #36 to Safeway. Young boy asks me if the umbrella I’m holding is a metal detector. Go to Safeway. Check out with Dominic, looking more self-assured and cuter than ever. #43 home. Look for seaweed chips with nice young man from customer service at W.F.

April 18 dream:  Helping fill pharmacy supplies before heading to Capistrano. (h.o.)

April 18 dream:  Old pitcher goes for the gold but says to me, “You know, you’re queer.”

April 18 dream:  Visit senior facility in North Bay. Seems kind of sterile and expensive, though one of the ladies liked me.

April 18 dream:  Take (final?) exam at work.

April 18 dream: Talk with my father as I wake up. Try to get some information out of him.

April 17, 2022:  Nap. Just as I’m about to leave, I get the inspiration to jerk off, about 3:30 p.m. (*Relates to shits of hier at about the same time?) Walk to W.P. Shirtless Asian friend on Ocean. Sergio is at Peet’s. Also Nedim. Also big loud family. I go to restroom. Young man holds door open for me as he leaves it. Then realize he’s with the big loud family. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Talk briefly with “Sir Allen.” Loud angry pit bull behind rickety gate on way to bus stop. #48 to W.P. Pick up Goat Hill pizza, the one I had misplaced hier. It’s not as good as I thought it would be. K home.

April 17 dream:  Staying overnight at Alex Gambeau’s big apartment overlooking the city. At one point he says, “Michael, would you mind taking a bath?” I say, “Sure” though I don’t think I need one. Before: Go to restroom to take pee. Look left and 3 or 4 people are sitting on couch looking at me. I can’t pee.

April 17 dream:  Marilyn Deurell finds out I go out with men. She doesn’t want to go out with me. (*Relates to meeting Jessica at C.B. on April 18?)

April 16, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Go across street. Pick up package. Run back home to take shits. Leave again. Walk to G.P. Go to Glen Park Market. Talk with Lee about MissionLocal.org article. He told me about his leg injury. Go to C.B. Daniel there. Go to G.P. library. See “Expect the Unexpected” on DVD. Check it out. Walk thru G.C.P. Catch #48 to W.P. Wait for K. See guy with pizza box. He recommends Goat Hill Pizza. I go there. Cashier kind of rude. Wait a few minutes. Same guy comes back. Was very happy with smiling face and eyes. Got on K in two minutes. Sit across from guy with Matt Haney brochures. I say, “Are you handing out Matt Haney flyers?” He slides the flyers under his leg and ignores me. I don’t know how to respond. So I wait for an answer. As he gets off at the same place where I get off, I let him go ahead of me and I say, “Good Luck!” He gives me dirty look. As I wait beside him for light to change, realize I left my pizza box on the train. He walked into W.F. I go home.

April 16 dream:  Fishing out in middle of lake with bigger, stronger person, waiting to catch big, huge fish.

April 16 dream:  I’m at rehearsal for Sondheim-type musical which had been done before. I joked, “I’m ready to co-operate with Judy.”

April 15, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to Glen Park Market. Share MissionLocal.org website which had an article about a law firm in San Diego scamming immigrant small business owners for alleged ADA non-compliance, which just happened to them. I don’t know whether lady owner understood me or not. Go to C.B. Brandon and Dave there. Take shit there. Walk thru G.C.P. Trip on exiting. Beautiful young man at Laguna Honda. No buses there so walk down to W.P. See same beautiful man at he bottom of the hill. I follow him into Eezy-Freezy. He kind of poses for me. Take K home. Same beautiful man gets on. I go to sit across from him. Go to McD. They no longer have McPlants. Go to Beep’s. Young waitress is excited to see me. Knocks me off balance. “Change is going to come” in p.m.

April 15 dream:  I am at some big gathering. I am No. 92. Somebody asks is we want to give the money we win to the federal government. I say, “Why would we want to do that? So they can waste it?”

April 15 dream:  Good debate between two women. I am about to make a comment and start to get up out of my chair. It is difficult. I wake up.

April 14, 2022:  Anonymous caller calls me a liar. I hang up on him. Sarah calls. Nap. In ’til 3ish. See my shirtless Asian friend with muscle T-shirt and umbrella. Ashton Kutcher lookalike and his friend at table outside of Peet’s. I talk briefly with “Ashton.” They are with group called Hip Hop for Change, trying to bring the fun and creativity of of hip hop to schools, etc. Sergio at Peet’s got haircut. I say, “You go a haircut.” He says, “Yeah.” I say, “It looks good.” Read “Leap Into Sanity” lesson #12, about mystical experiences. Really great. Made me happy. It’s kind of rainy so take K home. Cute young Asian youth smiles and bows as he invites me to board first. Then sits across from me.

April 13, 2022:  Anonymous call in a.m. I tell him, “I love you. I love you. I love you. I really do.” In ’til 3ish. Two cats run towards me on San Benito Way. On W.P. Avenue, see man and his dog. Dog had on sun glasses. As soon as I got out my camera, man took the sun glasses off. Go to Peet’s. Kia excited to see me, which surprised me. Read “Leap Into Sanity” lesson #11. Walk up Ulloa. Run into Jasper Craig (from March 10) and his mom. She spirits him away from me (just like dog owner spirited his dog away from my camera). Walk up Ulloa. #48 to #43 home.

April 13 nap dream:  Visit L.A. for Prosperos conference. I’m only here for a week. Try to find out the schedule for today. Walk outside. There’s a huge construction project in progress with bulldozers moving dirt out of several downtown blocks. I wondered what it was. Knew that they would know what they are doing.

April 13 dream:  I’m talking to John at his desk at work. I say, “So what are you doing this weekend?” He says, “I’ll probably go to Santa Cruz like I usually do.” And some other things. Then he says, “You can come along if you like.”

April 12, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Dave at C.B. Go to G.P. library. I check out with Sun. I ask him if he has any more suggestions for DVDs. He recommends one and motions me to form I could fill out. I say, “Well, I can do that online.” So I leave. Then thought maybe I was rushing away too soon. He was being really sweet. So I went back and filled out the form. He recommended a second DVD. I filled out a second form and put my name on it. I thought of putting my phone # as well, but didn’t want to be too forward. Walk half way to G.C.P and came back a second time. This time somebody else was at the checkout desk. I gave her my new phone #. Run into Sun on the way out. I said, “I gave her my phone # in case you or the library want to get in touch with me.” He said, “ I don’t know what you are looking for.” I said, “Something good. Something long-lasting.” He said, “Since you’re older…” I thought: Older?!?!?! Then he said, “Do you have any grandkids?” He gave me a few DVDs and I picked out a gay German DVD. Walked through G.C.P. Then M.S. Said hello to “Sir Allen” and he said hello back. #43 home.

April 11, 2002:  Woke up early (for me) about 8:30 with idea that I should apply for the Deanship of The Prosperos. Spend a lot of time wording my proposal email. Go to Safeway. #43 home. Take nap. Meet HughJohn and his daughter Emmy at 6ish. We drive to W.P. Eat at Italian resto. Had good connection with Emmy who I hadn’t seen since she was a very young child.

April 11 dream:  Fall in dream.

April 11 dream:  Am in Paris. It’s raining really hard. We are driving big, long, beautiful car. Drive into dead-end alley for an errand. I walk by gas tank cover in front of car and accidentally knock it off, gas spilling everywhere. My partner comes back to fix it.

April 11 dream:  Two girls. Two guys. One girl passes woman’s swimsuit in store window. She says, “Look, swim suit bottoms. We are going swimming.”

April 11 dream:  Super says I have to choose between two bosses who are both in front of me. I choose the one I prefer.

April 10, 2022:  in ’til 3ish. As I leave apartment, run into #308 with his wife and little daughter. Take elevator down with them. He pretends he doesn’t know me. Walk to W.P. Have nice conversation about photography with Nemid at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa. Then catch #48 back to W.P. K home. Isaiah at W.F. I don’t try to talk with him which, I think, he liked. He was very nice to me.

April 10 nap dream:  I run into Jamie, my black lover from 50 years ago. He looked great and was glad to see me and vice versa. The friend I was with seemed to know him. I asked my friend, “How do you know Jamie?” He said they were both involved with New Orleans music back in the day.

April 10 dream:  Move to Chicago. Meet two gay men at resto in very old building surrounded by a freeway.

April 9, 2022:  Prosperos trustee’s meeting at 9am. Six attended. Met for about 1-1/2 hours. Pretty good meeting. William Fennie, addressing the need for volunteers to distribute “Leap Into Sanity” lessons started talking most sincerely about system and how the school (unlike the rest of the world, I guess) is based on system. This is something Thane used to say a lot, so I think William was trying to channel Thane, and thereby, ever so subtly, bully the rest of us. Of course, I didn’t digest all this ’til later in the p.m. The next day I posted “William Fennie, Dean in Waiting” on the BB. Then from 1-3 p.m. attended online “Interfaith Empathy Cafe” with people from U.S. Australia and the Netherlands. It was very exciting. Especially meeting Jeroen Lichtenauer from the Netherlands. He was the only one who mentioned sexuality. Of course, I fell in love with him. Afterwards, I get excited. Go on eating binge. I’m in ’til 6ish ’cause I still have so much online work to do. Walk to Java Hut. They close at 6:30. Walk home. Don’t eat for the rest of the day.

April 9 dream:  Sweeping up. Getting ready for some big event.

April 8, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Three of us attended: Heather, Sarah and myself. It was a good group. Conclusion: “There is no war in Truth.” Walk to G.P. Skateboarders at Balboa Park Skatepark. One one young man, the apparent leader of the pack, stares at me menacingly. It later occurred to me that he wasn’t threatening me. He was cruising me. Brandon and Dave at C.B. Brandon wanted to see some of my photos so I gave him my website. Walk thru G.C.P. Lizard (or snake) rushes into the grass. #48 to W.P. Nice, slightly ”slow” guy on K.

April 8 dream:  Two athletic brothers sign up for ballet. They say it’s a requirement. (h.o.)

April 8 dream:  Fall in love with two different girls. Take pee with one of them. I’m peeing and talking to one of them.

April 7, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Run into Shrey on Ocean. He moved into Apt. 213, not 313, which is right next to me. Go to G.P. library. Go to C.B. Women there gives me flirtatious look. Walk thru G.C.P. Go to M.S. “Soy Dream” is in stock!!! Pick up 8 cartons. Clean them out. Check out with “Sir Allen.” I share my excitement with him. Take #48 to W.P. Take M. Then take K. As soon as I get on, lock eyes with young Asian man. Turns out his family owns Jo Jo’s resto on Ocean.

April 7 dream:  Guy farted. He won’t admit it. They can’t bring charges against him.

April 7 dream:  Trouble in the royal household. They’re running out of money.

April 6, 2022:  Gwyllm Llwydd is the only commentor on my “The Prosperos Dean Search” blog on the BB. He supported my idea. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Nobody at Peet’s who I knew. I sit next to young woman. She moves to another table. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. No “Soy Dream.” #48 to W.P. Waiting for K. Young Asian man with mischievous smile asks me how to get on the M eastbound. I tell him. K home. W.F. Nobody there I know either. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: “In war, some people think that it’s more important to save face than to save lives.” Conclusion: “The ‘face of Truth’ is infinite knowing, immeasurable fulfillment, unending and unlosable.” See CSU online in p.m.

April 6 dream:  Try to in and out all the variables from program taped before returning it.

April 6 dream:  Mark Anthony, a young womanish man is being sued. I’m helping out on the defense team with two others. They’re afraid they’re going to have to stay all night. We go down freight elevator without stopping.

April 5, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Sun at G.P. library. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Cute, well-built guy in shorts at Safeway. We talk briefly. (*Relates to “Perfection” from hier?) Check out with Gabe. Cute girl in jujitsu outfit at bus stop. I say, “I like your outfit.” She runs for the hills. After I’m home for a while realize I’ve misplaced or lost my camera. Or it was taken. I thought I had it in my right front jacket pocket. This really upset me all evening. Tried to Translate, etc. I check with lost & found at Safeway, Cafe Bello and Muni. No luck yet. But decided to use my full-size camera which I had been avoiding.

April 4, 2022:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Little bird on fence on Ocean Avenue. Dave at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. Ask “Sir Allen” if “Soy Dream” has come in. it hasn’t. Remember I was supposed to go to Safeway today. Go to burrito place. #48 to W.P. K home. See “Perfection” on Ocean Avenue. Post “The Prosperos Dean Search” on BB. (*Relates to dream of April 2?) “Mr. Harrison” on the Jack Benny show. Guy in building screaming “Yes!” at about 5 a.m.

April 4 dream:  Hard-on dream.

April 4 dream:  Am on a high of some sort. I was sitting on a felled tree in the water. Suddenly if breaks in two. I feel very calm, happy, but think I should go home soon.

April 4 dream:  March I parade above and under ground in Chicago. Reunite with people I’ve worked with.

April 4 dream:  They move us to a large room quite a walk away. John F. gets all sweaty. I tell him, “Stop sweating!” I’m supposed to meet my father there. Swimming later?

April 3, 2022:  Watch lots of Bohm videos in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Talk with Nelson at W.G. on Ocean. Nedim at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. See “Sir Allen.” Check out with “haircut” Ed. #48 to W.P. K home.

April 3 dream:  Some other people give me cover for what I’m doing.

April 3 dream:  Daniel Bank appears in my house. He has a chocolate helmet on his head. I take a bite.

April 2, 2022:  Get email that Ben had been taken to the hospital. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. Decide to take Muni to see the new Van Ness BRT. Then decide to go to Castro instead. I was in eastbound Muni car next to westbound Muni car, both at a standstill. Three young Asian guys in next train waved to me. I waved back. One gave me the “V” for victory sign. I think that related to my decision to go to the Castro. Get off at Castro. Walk by 440 Club. Continue up Castro to GlenPark. Guy coming down Castro smiles at me. Walk to Glen Park. #36 to Foerster. Guy at Gennessee and Monterey smiles at me. (*Relates to dive-bombing hawk from Victoria Street hier?) Walk home. Insight: I don’t really care if Ben dies, just like I didn’t really care when my mother was killed. Does that make me a psychopath, too?

April 2 dream:  Shutting things down. I have a big pipe I am going to throw.

April 1, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Three attended. Ben kind of insistent that I Translate the way he thought I should Translate. Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 2:30. Walk fast to Jun’s salon for haircut. He made me wait for 10 minutes. But I still love him. Find out he’s 26. Walk to G.P. Brandon and Dave at C.B. Brandon told me that the homeless guy with a knife and the 40 police cars that made the news on March 24 began at C.B. when the homeless guy asked to use the C.B. restroom and then stood in the room next door with his knife and was apparently convinced to leave. (*Relates to hawk on exiting G.C.P. and shits from hier?) Walk thru G.C.P. Go to M.S. No “Soy Dream” as promised. #48 to W.P. K home. Hawk dive-bombing at Victoria Street. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Shits in p.m.

April 1 dream:  Visit home. Laurie leave at 5:30 to strike out on her own. (h.o.)

April 1 dream:  Trying to register in room with transparent windows.

April 1 dream:  50 new members on the first day of the art gallery. Mrs. Burris was registering all of our members.

March 31, 2022:  Anonymous call in a.m.. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. C.B. full. Sudoku comes in. Then leaves. Leave C.B. Feel “shitty.” Go to G.P. library to take shit. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk on exiting park. See Christian, my handsome homeless friend near M.S.. Go to M.S. “Soy Dream” comes in tomorrow, they say. Check out with “Sir Allen.” #43 home. Young woman grabs back seat I was heading for. Neighbor across from me at home bleeding from her nose, sitting on floor, yelling at 911 people. Me, her daughter and other neighbor help her out til EMT arrives. Two women pass. The pretty one smiles at me.

March 31 dream:  Trying to get everything painted on one page. (h.o.)

March 31 dream:  On ship with guy I really like. Want to change seats. Went to get my billing contract. Walk to front of ship. Accidentally open door to being on land. Earlier truck driving on surface of ocean and driving onto land via a ramp.

March 30, 2022:  Go to VA for 10 a.m. appointment at the “hand clinic.” Got there early. Got in about 10:20. Much waiting. Very rude, pushy female nurse. I never did get to see a doctor. Got x-rays again. Nice radiologist who joked about protecting “the merchandise.” Nurse said the doctor would call me if he detected any problems on the x-rays. Go to La Promenade on Balboa. Walk to Inner Sunset via G.G. Park. N to Cole Valley. #43 home. Three loud, spoiled high school girls on bus.

March 30 hypnagogia:  I purchased bunch of white roses today.

March 30 dream:  Tell General I’m glad he signed on but I disagree with his mission. (h.o.)

March 30 dream:  Woman coming on to Joe Biden at small party.

March 29, 2022:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio, Douglas and James at Peet’s. See “The Princess Bride” in neighborhood book stand. Then see it again in Sunday paper, so decide it must mean something, so I order it from library. Go to W.P. Walk home via Y.B.A. Go to W.F. Get anonymous call from 510 area code. Makes me feel good. (*Relates to shits from hier at about the same time?)

March 29 dream:  Spend time with Michael Conner. At end guy runs out and says there’s an emergency.

March 29 dream:  I am at legal secretary’s office with her supervisor. I say, “I’m a retired legal secretary.”

March 28, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Dave at C.B. Walk to Safeway. Feel “shittier” and “shittier.” Take shit at Safeway. Check out with Dominic. #43 home. Run into Peter. He’s wearing mustache and beard. He looks good. I tell him so. Finish Six Feet Under. Reminded me of Tom’s death (and his life). At the end, they show how and when all the characters die. I was most affected by David Fisher’s (Michael C. Hall) death, who died after seeing a vision of his late lover Keith as a younger man. In an earlier scene, pregnant character mentioned that her fetus was playing a drum set. (*Relates to first dream of March 24?)

March 28 dream:  Three signs ripping thru my astrological chart. (h.o.)

March 28 dream:  Being let out of school. I climbed up hill with other students but then decided not to. Realized every time I thought I was in a place I couldn’t climb down from that something would open up.

March 27, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Shirtless Asian friend on Ocean. Nedim and Dominic (with black fingernail polish) at Peet’s. Read more On Dialogue by Bohm. Walk hime via Y.B.A.

March 27 dream:  Dad, Mom, Nannie get home a day early. I’m doing the dishes.

March 27 dream:  I help cult-type group clean up at its new place.

March 27 dream:  Interview for job helping people. No set hours.

March 26, 2022:  Single Payer Now online meeting from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. Read more from Bohm’s On Dialogue. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. #43 home. Read emails and attachments from John Atwater (on peak experiences) and Suzanne D. (on democracy and ontology). Insight: Is John gaslighting me?

March 26 dream:  Trying to share with somebody the feeling of my mother’s death. (h.o.)

March 26 dream:  Again with my mother’s death.

March 26 dream:  Top sales people going on a field trip to Jewel (pronounced “you-all”). I had just been promoted.

March 25, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. 4 of us attend. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. My shirtless Asian friend passes me on Ocean. I’m feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Go to C.B. Daniel there. Rush to bathroom. Take shit. Sun at G.P. library. Take #35 to Castro to buy sauce pan at Cliff’s. No luck. Stop in 440 bar to take pee. Decide to go to W.P. No sauce pan there either. Take M to Target. Buy underwear, socks, sauce pan and notebook for $67 or so. Walk home.

March 25 dream:  See document saying “Tell America that you are taking over.”

March 25 dream:  A few boils on my legs. I try to pop them.

March 25 dream:  Woman having trouble providing for her family. Think her husband drives her. I notice the word “Provide” on the license plate frame. I point this out. She laughs.

March 24, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Big day at Peet’s. Bruce there. Eric there. And big surprise! Sudoku (Dave) from C.B. in G.P. was there. Met Sean, a friendly, well-built construction worker wearing a “Pullman” T-shirt. We got on very well. When I sat back down, I felt a lot of sexual tension. Like I couldn’t relax ’til he left. Which he did. (*Relates to 2nd dream from March 23?) Was talking with Dave when Sean left. He seemed upset. I also talked to Eric who recently visited NYC for the first time. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Isaiah at W.F. Still ignoring me. Doug not there. Jerk off at home.

March 24 dream:  My … for drum set ready to go on stage. Gay guy wants to get together with me after practice.

March 24 dream:  Guy talking to beautiful woman now tells her (twice) she has to move since I have on pin-striped pants. I tell her she should have a seat. She says, “I don’t know. I’ve been de-seated twice.”

March 24 dream:  New show called “Medical Records.”

March 23, 2022:  Jerk off in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Hear hawk on Ocean. Finish L.I.S. at Peet’s. Mimi there. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Buy new pot and spatula.

March 23 dream:  Tell my teacher how John likes to hide by pretending he’s other people. My teacher  tries to help me spot him.

March 23 dream:  Naked guy and I getting dressed. He and I both piss into same bowl. He’s totally naked with beautiful body, but he’s kind of heavy. (*Relates to meeting Sean at Peet’s on March 24?)

March 22, 2022:  Sarah calls I na.m. In ’til 1ish. Take K to dental appointment. Guy gets on at Castro Station. He is wearing “Alex Fitness” T-shirt. We talk briefly. He makes me smile (under my mask). Go to Dr. Adame. Talk with him briefly. Walk to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Cruise beautiful, hot, black-haired, stubble-faced guy while crossing Castro at 18th Street. Look back. Realize he may be reason for my butterfly stomach on walk to Castro. Walk up Castro all the way to G.P. Go to C.B. Sudoku (Dave) there. Brandon not. #23 to Foerster. Walk home from there. Anonymous call around 5:30 p.m. (Relates to shits from hier at about the same time?) Jerk off in p.m.

March 21, 2022:  Listen to YT about afterlife saying everybody would be absolved of their sins. Made me feel very unforgiving. Later got email from Joe Gilberti admiring my “leadership” in bringing the Sunday Meeting to a halt hier after it seemed to be veering off into silliness. I’ve always thought Joe was so cool (I met him in the ’70s) so this just floored me for a while. In til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See “Will Call” on Ocean Avenue. I think: “The psychological reason we have sex in our lives is so it can propel us into psychological independence from our parents. And we can’t be interdependent until we are independent.” As I think this, sweet young man on Ocean smiles at me. Lee at G.P. Market. Go to C.B Brandon not there again. I ask barista. She says his shifts have been changed. Walk to Safeway. Take shits at their newly remodeled restroom. Check out with Dominic, a new employee. See “Make a Change.” Start reading Thane’s “Leap Into Sanity” in p.m.

March 21 dream:  Being part of Democratic Party while watching long, heavy industrial train go up narrow tracks on cliff.

March 21 dream:  Being told about Nazis by a sympathetic narrator.

March 21 dream:  See Ukrainian-style … with not much rent. A lot of us watching a video of gay sex.

March 20, 2022:  Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. 22 or more attended Ben’s talk on the “Bohm Dialogue.” In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio smiles at me as he gives me my drink. He ignores me as I leave. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. “Sir Allen” sees me and ignores me. Give $2 to Danny after following cute young guy across Portola Drive to CVS. #48 to W.P. K home. Tall, long-haired black guy asks me if I want to stand where he’s standing. I am bowled over by him. Insight: My body pains relate to me getting down on myself.

March 20 dream:  Finished crossword puzzle due to clue in another paper. Was half way across top of building when I realized I had to solve puzzle to get reward.

March 20 dream:  About to board train. Kids have already boarded.

March 20 dream:  My leg hurts a bit. I take needle out of spot that is not sore. Will see doctor in a few days.

March 20 dream:  Starting work with clean pants and shoes. Have to return something. Then have to walk thru lots of clear, rushing water.

March 20 dream:  Fooling around with half-naked guys.

March 19, 2022:  Ned calls in a.m. He wants info about Alice Peterson, who I didn’t know that well. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Stonestown. See new Whole Foods. I thought they would have a café. They didn’t. Just a sitting area. See cute Asian guy with floppy black hair and girlfriend at Target. (*Relates to hawk from hier at G.C.P.?) Walk to Java Hut on Ocean. Walk to W.F. No Doug. Isabella ignores me again. Insight: “Life is the only urge.”

March 19 dream:  Share the last bit of Mexican food with my brother.

March 19 dream:  About to share something in group meeting. (*Relates to Sunday Meeting on March, I think.)

March 18, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Six of us there. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Brandon not at C.B. as I expected. I sit next to Dave. Walk thru G.C.P. See hawk as I enter park. Think back to hugging John at Café Floré in 1987 or so. Guy passing by smiles at me. RHS my father. Get in touch with my childhood self who wanted to either get revenge on my father or find someone who would do that for me. Take #48 to W.P. Ladi at C.S. Reading Room. I don’t go in. Take K home. It gets stuck at St. Francis Circle. Take M. It turns into K. Stop at Ingleside Gallery. Big show going on. I walk in and out pretty quickly. See Shrey. Go to W.P. Doug not there. Isaiah is, but he ignores me. See friendly Asian guy on 3rd floor, who I’ve talked to before a few times. Get email from Ned asking it he can call me sometime. It discombobulates me. (*See first dream of March 17.) I thought he was looking to me as a counselor. Turns out he wasn’t.

March 18 dream:  Noisy small mice and big black spider comes out of my floor board at night.

March 18 dream:  Everybody sleeping over in only a few rooms. Not much room.

March 18 dream:  Young girl disappointed with adults.

March 17, 2022:  Anonymous call about 3:30ish. (*Relates to shits from hier at the same time?) Walk to W.P. Sergio, Eduardo, Bruce at Peet’s. Bruce shares some of his history with women. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. See “Sir Allen” briefly. #43 home. Get emotionally attracted to young skateboarder who gets off at Plymouth. At W.F. help old woman with walker into the women’s room. Doug not there. Check out with nice young lady I like. Random guy smiles at me.

March 17 dream:  Bill Fennie and I posing as teachers, educators. Angry guy comes in. I try hiding but it feels like the jig is up. [I wake up with my body tingling.]

March 17 dream:  Doing stories on two dance groups in North Bay paper.

March 17 dream:  Almost fall into big hole at Mission and Third Streets in S.F.m(*Relates to me bringing up Isabel Allende’s comment that “War is a male construct” at Translation Group on March 18?)

March 16, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk halfway thru CCSF campus. Suddenly have to shit. Rush back home. Take shit. Walk to G.P. Daniel and Dave at C.B. Dave said, something like, “Everything would be great if only we could get rid of Putin. Doesn’t he know about the law of karma? It doesn’t really matter whether he believes in it or not.” See Sun at G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. #48 to W.P. Talk with Ladi. He didn’t take Rick’s Translation class. I don’t think he was really interested. Take K home. Cruise guy. Then 2nd guy. First guy gets off. 2nd guy and I get off at Lee Avenue. Just before he gets off, he does a little happy dance.

March 15, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio, Douglas at Peet’s. Sergio still calling me “Sir.” Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Kind of looking for Doug from Bakery dept. He’s not there. I ask bakery people fi they have any Chantilly cake. They don’t. Hear “John Harrison” on YT in p.m.

March 15 dream:  We have a new insurance vendor for our afternoon break at work. Female boss is very worried about it. I try to talk to her. She says we’ll probably have a choice of insurers.

March 15 dream:  Trying to come up with tow or three minutes of comedy for guy’s funeral.

March 15 dream:  Walking down my familiar hallway. Everything had changed. Finally ordered man and woman at the end.

March 14, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Lee at liquor store. Brandon at C.B. I did his chart online. He is 19. He also happened to mention that his girlfriend had a friend who was interested in astrology. I suggested he could do a comparison chart with his girlfriend. But he seemed more interested in dong a comparison chart with me. Also talked with Dave (Sudoku) who said his memory is slipping. Walked to Safeway on Monterey. Looked like somebody other than Jun was cutting hair at jun’s salon. Shop at Safeway. Check out with Gabe. He’s new employee. Very nice. Man at next checkout station also seemed interested in Gabe. #43 home.

March 14 dream:  Pay my $2 dues enthusiastically. Pool outside. (h.o.)

March 14 dream:  I go from office to office announcing that anyone with a wheelchair must have a full glass of milk onboard. That’s so they can have sex when the opportunity arrives.

March 14 dream:  Creepy guy at party who looked down at me or pretended to.

March 13, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk on Ocean. Ready to go see the new W.F. at Market and 8th Street. Run into beautiful, sexy, modest guy who pretends not to notice me. I think he’s coming from nearby 24 Hour Fitness gym. Take K to Civic Center. Go to new W.F. store. It’s big, but it’s like two floors below street level and there is no cafe. Only a sitting area. Do like the co-ed bathrooms, though. Walk to Castro. Buy Sunday Chron at W.G. Pass 440 coming and going. Take M to W.P. Stop at Peet’s. Sergio looks beautiful. I get very excited seeing him. He doesn’t talk to me or recognize me but it’s still exciting to see him. Walk home. I think, “My father used marriage as a way to hide from his socially unacceptable urges. While John looks at marriage as a trap.” As I think this, passing guy smiles at me broadly and beautifully. Further down Ocean, run into Shrey at Ingleside Gallery. He’s putting on a “Celebrating Women” art show. I recommend my cousin Leigh. He also tells me he may be moving into Apt. 313 which is almost exactly opposite my apt.

March 13 dream:  Rush home from work. Am staying at friend’s. Have to rush back in 15 minutes. I’m worried that all my clothes will be wrinkled as I’m living out of a suitcase. Woman suggests I buy a kimono. I say I used to have one.

March 12, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Peet’s W.P. Douglas and Nedim there. Go to W.P. library. Strange male clerk there. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Down Miramar to hardware store on Ocean to buy key chain. Jerked off in p.m. for the first time since I fell on my wrist. Started out left-handed but switched to right hand as things got hot. See bright light in corner of my living room in p.m.

March 12 dream:  Trying to get Tom O. moved into my apartment.

March 12 dream:  Nobody likes the boss who kept us late. Co-worker asks me, “Do you want to have breakfast with me tomorrow?” I say, “Okay.”

March 12 dream:  Get part in play. Practice(?) was on time. My step-family is also in play.

March 11, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Five of us there. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Brandon and Sudoku (Dave) at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Catch #48 to W.P. Stop by C.S. Reading Room to talk with Ladi. Tell him about online Translation class tomorrow and Sunday. He seemed interested. Take K home. Go to W.F. Run into Doug from Bakery. He recommends to me a Chantilly cake which is currently out of stock. Check out with Henry H. who I thought was Min. On way out, couldn’t find my keys. Panicked. Translated. Called Avalon home office and after many phone messages was able to reach a live person who was able to help me. They sent somebody over to let me in about and hour or two later. Last time I almost lost my keys was on December 19, 2020 when I accidentally dropped them down the garbage chute and was able to recover them with help from janitors. I think this presages some similar psychic event of being locked out of my home/my habitual way of life. Insight: Realize my “broken” wrist is John’s way of trying to keep me all to himself, at least emotionally. Just like my father, though married to my step-mother, wanted to keep me to himself, emotionally.

March 11 dream:  Try to shut door with my foot so cat won’t get in. [Get small leg cramp.]

March 11 dream:  I walk by prospective new mayor of S.F. Tough guy coming through hallway motions for me to gt out of the way. I stay. He shoots the mayor. Then he shoots me, but only in the legs.

March 10, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Decide to walk to Starbucks Portola instead of Peet’s W.P. Rush to see two men walking up San Anselmo Avenue. Looks like young Asian man with his father. Father gives me dirty look. Later, as I’m about to turn the corner, see them both walk up the other side of San Anselmo. My heart goes out to young man. Then, due to father’s look, I hold back. Then ponder the wonder of hier’s hawks which presaged my encounter with this young man, not really ever seeing him face-to-face, but interacting nonetheless. (*Relates to sudden hawk on Portal Path and to second hawk at Maywood Drive from hier, I think.) Go to Starbucks Portola. Not very nice reception there. My “slow” friend Jasper (from January 30) doesn’t look at me or notice me, though he does wave to others. See “Sir Allen” at M.S. He looks away. Run into Peter on #43 home. He cuts off and goes into W.F. and leaves me kind of stranded.

March 10 dream:  Nancy O. and some other guy stops by while I’m alone in the house without pants. I put on my pants and guy shows me thesis he is working on.

March 9, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Talk with Nelson at W.G. I ask him how he likes UC Santa Cruz. He says there’s too many trees. Nobody at Peet’s that I know except Kai, who I barely know. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. See hawk briefly at Portal Path. Then again at Maywood Drive.

March 9 dream:  Trying to finish everything at end of first day of two-day retreat. My supervisor says he’s worried about me. I say, “So am I.” I think he thinks I’m working too hard or too fast.

March 9 dream:  Go out on some job interviews. Got stuck in mud. Then get stuck in sun and heat. Forgot my resume. Try out at primary school/fairground.

March 9 dream:  I tell woman volunteer we shouldn’t have a hole in the lighting at the front of the room. Thane comes by and confirms it.

March 9 dream:  Go to P.O. Leave my stuff on counter. Woman goes thru it. I tell her, “That’s my stuff.”

March 8, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Meet “Bernie Mac” on Santa Ana Avenue. He’s a strange, fast-talking black guy looking for financial support for something. Nedim and Douglas at Peet’s. Douglas gives me dirty look when I leave. I follow cute guy I saw buying coffee there and caught up with him at West Portal and Vicente. He’s a guitar player but not the reason I left early. I continued walking home via West Portal, Junipero Serra and Ocean. Walk bouncy-happy. Stop at newish pizza place where Fog Lifter Cafe used to be. Nice waiter there. I think that’s the reason I was walking bouncy-happy. Walk by Ingleside Gallery. See cute guy working there. Then Shrey comes in the room and I continue on home. Finish “Sonny’s Blues” short story by James Baldwin. I like it a lot more than I did when I began it.

March 8 dream:  Worker eats celery stalk filed high with salt. Guy says, “You should take something for that.” Later Tom C. hugging his little boy in the office. I wonder how he would react if something were to happen to his son.

March 7, 2022:  Called VA in a.m. Finally got hold of a someone who helps me. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Get IRS form copied. Go to C.B. Brandon unexpectedly there. We talk briefly about the James Baldwin story we talked about on March 4. He says he’ll see me on Friday. Sudoku there also. I never got his real name, so I just said, out of the blue, “Hi, David.” He says, “Most people call me Dave.” Walk up Monterey to Safeway. #43 home. As I exit bus, good-looking Asian man gets on. I say, “Nice-looking.” Hope he heard me. Then see “Absolute Astonishment” on side of nearby bus.

March 7 dream:  Party ending. Guy says, “What shall we do next time?” I say, sarcastically, “We could have Thane speak.” Then more seriously, “We could have a speaker, a concert, or a be-in.” Guys says, “Are we going to stay in touch with Alyson?” I say, “You know you’re going to stay in touch with Alyson.” (h.o.)

March 7 dream:  J. comes over to tell me he’s asking his older roommate to the dance. I tell him to get out. He stalls. I say, “Get the hell out.” He leaves. He looks a bit like Dexter from the Dexter series.

March 7 dream:  Lost history of the gay movement which was some sort of liquid memory. I told one of the other organizers, “Hope they have backup.”

March 7 dream:  Try to get to loft-type spa. It’s difficult. Hippie-type place. Lose my notebook. Don’t really trust these people and vice versa.

March 6, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Nedim only person I know at Peet’s. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Interesting guy in Jeep at Plymouth and Ocean. He’s looking at me and I’m looking at him. Finally he waves. I wave back. He drives off. I walk across street. Later see very cute young guy on Plymouth. Could be Sebastian who I met on February 10. McPlant at McD’s.

March 6 nap dream:  John walking down the street, a bit older, with short hair, but looking good, smiling and waving at me.

March 6 dream:  Our father comes in at 1:30 a.m. and says he wants help with his demo(?) We all have to get up and help him.

March 5, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Shirtless Asian friend on Ocean. Sergio, Douglas and Nedim at Peet’s. Sergio gives me my drink and says, “There you go, sir.” Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. See Doug in Bakery out of the corner of my eye and double-back to talk to him and his fellow bakery worker. Find spider under my bed in p.m.

March 5 dream:  “It’s not like judging a comedy show. It’s not a bunch of one-liners.”

March 5 dream:  Someone asks me about the behavior of the ant. I say, “He’s been archived. I’m trying to think of the right word.” Suzanne D. passes us and says, “Acclimate.”

March 4, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group via Zoom at 11 a.m. (*Relates to 2nd dream of February 2?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Brandon at C.B. No black tulpa or other sort of interruption. He asks me how my week was. For some reason, I found it difficult emotionally to answer. I asked him about his week. He told me about essay he had to write on a James Baldwin short story. I said I’d try to read it. Went to library next door and got a copy right away. And returned to C.B. to verify I got the right story. Looks like this relationship requires homework. I know he’s only 18, but he acts like he’s my parent. I think this relationship may be coming to a close. Walk thru G.C.P. to Laguna Honda Blvd. #43 home. W.F. Check out with Cole.

March 4 dream:  Being stalled at work.

March 4 dream:  Start going crazy ’cause my nurse baby may have been injured.

March 4 dream:  Getting out of bath in nursing home. I ask her, “How long have you been here?” She says, “Ten years. I’ve told you that before.”

March 4 dream:  Trying to order something good at resto. I see all sorts of good things but I don’t know what they’re called so I order an egg salad sandwich. Ask woman there if she’s ever heard of The Plumed Horse Resto?

March 3, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Two cute repair guys come in to clean my dryer vent. Get one to smile. (*Relates to first hawk from hier?) Walk to W.P. High school guy on Ocean Avenue holds my look a little too long. James, Bruce at Peet’s W.P. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue.

March 3 dream:  Trying to decipher message from female psychic by running tape thru radio. (h.o.)

March 2, 2022:  In ’til 1:30ish. Take K to Church. Two young skateboarders get off at Castro. Hawk at Church and Market. Take #22 to Chestnut Street. Beautiful young black man standing in front of me. Get new phone cord for free. I say, “Bless you” to the salesman at camera store. Go to The Gap. Buy new pants from nice gay salesman. Hawk at Chestnut and Pierce. #30 to Market. A pride of Asian high school students from Galileo High School take over all the seats around me. F to Market. Pass by 440 Club. Wait for #35 which never shows up. Take #24 instead. Connect with handsome young dark-haired man who gets off before I do. Walk to G.P. Go to G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Stop at Starbucks Portola. Run into Maciej from February 23. We talk briefly. He asks me what I’m drinking. I say, “It’s not what I ordered.” And neither is he. Take #43 home. Run into Peter.

March 2 dream:  Eating at big, long dining table with lots of people. Lion shows up. I freak.

March 2 dream:  I’m visiting woman with friend. Then I’m leaving. She’s in car driven by big, large woman. And there’s another woman in the backseat with her. I’m in the front yard, drying myself. I have only a towel around me. (h.o.)

March 2 dream:  Talking on phone with somebody. Third caller from International calls in, who I don’t know.

March 1, 2022:  Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. James, Douglas, Eduardo and Bruce at Peet’s. Talk with Bruce and briefly with James and Douglas. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen” who gives me an intimate look.

March 1 dream:  I did something to a woman and Nancy and Laurie (my step-sisters) started treating me badly. I decide to take off. Slip by my father. Walk out to street. Take my mask off. (*Relates to my decision to send out email on March 2 for “Ukraine Emergency Translation Group” instead of waiting for Heather Williams to do it?)

February 28, 2022:  Sarah calls in a.m. When I talk about Zelenskyy with her, I get very emotional, surprising myself. (*See last dream of February 26.) Later in shower, I Translate the word fracture, relating to my wrist. Have a good sense that Truth (which I am, which we all are) cannot at the same time be one and be fractured. Later doctor from VA calls me and says he’ll set up an appointment with Orthopedic for me. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Follow Japanese guy with nice ass. Brandon not at C.B. Carla and Sudoku are. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. #43 home.

February 27, 2022:  In ’til noon or so. Take K and #49 to Chestnut Street camera store. Buy new, slightly bigger, slightly better camera. Beautiful Asian man and his two young sons on Chestnut Street. #30 to Market Street. Try to buy new Adidas pants at Adidas store at Westfield Mall. They don’t have much of a selection. Walk up Market to Van Ness. Take F to Castro. Go to Spike’s. Make it just before they close at 5 p.m. Walk by 440 Club. Take K to West Portal. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Woman at Portal Path park smiles at me. Guy walking his dog greets me. Guy on Plymouth Avenue sees me coming and sort of checks me out saying, “A-l-l-right.” Go to W.F. Home. Insight: Realize dream of breaking up with John of February 26 relates, not to breaking up with John, but to breaking up with my father. About half hour after I go to sleep, hear voice in my room saying, “Liar.”

February 27 dream:  Curb my wants to try some new-fangled ideas.

February 27 dream:  Going on job interview with black woman. She starts saying that I’m like some other workers, like Bob. I say, “You’re making up scenarios about me in your head, Miss … Ma’am.” Black female secretary with no underpants says, “Hire him.”

February 26, 2022:  Hear “Expect the Unexpected” in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Cute young guy in red hoodie as I exit 352 Brighton. Douglas, Eduardo, and other guy whose name I didn’t get at Peet’s. Lose part of an ear plug to my phone. Ask woman sweeping the floor if she’d watch out for it. Later feel bad about asking her. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Camera breaks on Ocean Avenue. I ask young Asian guy who was also taking photos if he can help me. He says he doesn’t speak English. (*Relates to “Expect the Unexpected” from earlier today?) Stop at McD’s. Go home. Try to fix my camera. Think maybe I should start using my bigger, better camera. Later decide to buy another new small camera.

February 26 dream:  School project to raise money by having people invest in things, raising lots of money for church but not for those investing.

February 26 dream:  Friend transitions to new role as finance advisor.

February 26 dream:  Breaking up with John. I got very emotional afterwards. More emotional than I thought I would. Later take True or False test at which I cannot concentrate at all.

February 25, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. My shirtless Asian friend passes me on Ocean. I follow him to Mission. Go to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Brandon at C.B. Get first silly call of the day just as I’m saying good-bye to him. I’ll see him again on Monday. Go to G.P. library. Talk with clerk about Tropic of Capricorn, which he is reading. Think about getting on #35 to the Castro, but passengers getting off get in the way and I didn’t want to force it. Walk thru G.C.P. to #43 stop at Laguna Honda Blvd. See John lookalike on bike. I go up to him to see if it actually is John. He nods to me. I nod back. #43 home. After I got off bus, I stopped suddenly to take photo of “Waterloo” ad on side of other bus. Young man passing by says, “Did you forget something?” I say, “No. I just wanted to take a photo.” Follow him from a distance into W.F. See woman with “Perfect” on her T-shirt. So I go up and talk with him further. He just bought a new camera and is getting ready to start photographing. I had seen him a few days before. He’s young, Asian, beautiful, and what I noticed mostly was that he had two cellphones in his shirt pocket.

February 25 dream:  Getting gassed up at gas station. I have 3 or 4 gas tanks dispersed throughout the length of my car. I don’t want them to notice me.

February 25 dream:  Woman pretending she only had a boa constrictor in her home. She also had a more dangerous but tamed venomous snake which she started feeding small rodents. I held baby who got loose and I protected my toes.

February 24, 2022:  In ’til about 3 p.m. Take sudden shits at 3ish. (*Relates to seeing Brandon at C.B. tomorrow?) Walk to W.P. See my shirtless Asian friend on Ocean, walking the other way. Bruce, Mimi, Sergio, Adam at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with “haircut Ed.” See “Talk With Your Boss” on Portola Drive. #43 home. Funny bus driver telling old Asian woman that she shouldn’t have to lug around her huge grocery cart and that he would kick her son’s ass if the son didn’t help her. I’m sitting next to cute Japanese guys in gray sweat pants and shirt who I keep checking out. He gets off at the same stop as mine. As he leaves he kind of jumps in the air. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Guy bowing on the ground in back of 1100 Ocean Avenue as part of Islamic prayer? I wanted to take his photo, but he got up. Shits at 8:30 p.m. or so.

February 24 dream:  One of the old ladies I’m caring for is pissed at me. The koala has escaped and may be in trouble in a garden full of animals.

February 24 dream:  Call 7th floor to friend who just go up there for info on water and oil experimentation. A group of us on the 5th floor. I don’t think I’m supposed to be there.

February 24 dream:  Leave party. Show up to my usual Monday job. Guy has completely remodeled his place of work. Says he doesn’t need me today.

February 23, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Full house. Share table with Maciej. We talked for about an hour. He’s a Polish occupational therapist. He said the Polish name for Michael is Mijo, which I liked. Eric also there but we more or less ignored each other. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Hawk and crow playing at top of street. (*Relates to Japanese guy on #43 on February 24, I think.) See my right hand starting to swell, so wait for #43 at Plymouth and Monterey. Guy who gave me hard look there a few days ago who I thought was trying to warn me off. Turns out he was just coming on to me. Take #43 home. Get call from W.P. Urgent Care saying the radiologist thought I had a fractured wrist. So I take #29 and #38 to VA Emergency Room. There’s only three of us there. Get help from Dr. Bent who says they don’t see any fracture but they want to have me do an MRI. Also cute radiologist. #38 and #29 home. Get home about midnight.

February 22, 2022: Call VA in a.m. They eventually call back. At their suggestion I go to Urgent Care in W.P. They X-ray me and give me splint. Take K home. Get a McPlant from McD’s and chocolate chip cookie from W.F.

February 21, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Trip over parking block in CCSF parking lot. Tear pants. Hit head. Walk on to G.P. Lee at G.P. Market. Brandon at C.B. I tell him I had a fall. He tells me my head is bleeding. He offers me first aid bandages, etc., and allows me to use the restroom which was closed. Stay there a few minutes. Feel more and more scared. Like a little kid having fallen down. I tell Brandon, “I’m fine.” Sudoku also there but he doesn’t turn around. Take #23 to Safeway. Then walk home. My wrist gets more and more sore. Have tough time sleeping. Am in too much pain.

February 20, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Nobody there that I know. Read obit of Kim Corsaro in Sunday Chron. Reminds me of my year or so at the Bay Times back in 2001 or so. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Try McPlants at McD’s. They’re very good.

February 20 dream:  Jail has been moved. So prisoner has to wait. (h.o.)

February 20 dream:  Waiting in line. Foreigner doesn’t think we should have money.

February 20 dream:  Martin Mull swallowed a fish through his chest and other acts.

February 19, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P., RHSing my father and my 9-year-old self. Hear sound at West Portal and 14th Avenue. Look up. See group of young men. Go over to them in the path of oncoming streetcar. I connect with one of them and have a suprasex moment. Go to Peet’s. Nedim there. Continue RHSing. Finally release my father and my 9-year-old self as the misidentifications that we were. Consciousness, our true identity, does not abuse or make itself vulnerable to abuse. And the identity which did is not my True self or my father’s True self. Old man in front yard of his Plymouth Avenue yard smiles at me. I immediately feel myself make myself sexually available to him. And I immediately catch myself. Go to W.F. Check out with Min. He ignores me completely. I think he was trying to impress his straight, male co-worker. Watch Amazing Grace with Aretha Franklin in p.m. Insight: My father saying to me, “I wish you’d just hit me.” May have been for Harriet, my step-mother’s benefit. She was also there when he said it.

February 19 dream:  I am assigned a toddler to care for. He plays the guitar by putting on a cassette tape and accompanying it. Obama comes in. He’s got four stripes on his Navy uniform sleeve. He acts tough with the toddler. “It’s me now,” he says. Then leaves before I know how to take care of the kid if he has to go to the bathroom.

February 18, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. via San Jose Avenue. Funeral procession on Ocean. Cute skateboarder bites his lip in an effort to hide from my glances at Ocean and San Jose. Brandon at C.B. He got a haircut since the last time I saw him on January 28. He looks so young. He’s probably 18 but he looks 13. Black tulpa from February 12 there, but she was very quiet and just makes a brief appearance. Brandon says he’ll be there again on Monday. I tell him I’ll try to stop by. Sudoku also there. G.P. library. Walk up Diamond. Hot guy in shorts working in the doorway of his house. He looks hot. I pause. Consider going back, but decide to continue on. (*Relates to last dream of February 16 of middle-aged man in convertible driving off the road, I think.) Walk thru G.C.P. See “Sir Allen” at M.S. Buy five cartons of “Soy Dream.” #43 home. See video about kundalini awakening. Is that what happened to me on April 19, 2021? Insight: Observe my OCD self while watching season 2 of Six Feet Under and tell myself to knock it off.

February 18 dream:  Hard-on dream.

February 18 dream:  Catch up with friend and with psychic. I say “I have two questions: Where is ______? And ______.”

February 18 dream:  Train finally arrives home. I’ve lost some of my luggage but otherwise I’m okay. The train had been on a horrifying journey.

February 18 dream:  Visit N.Y. Everything still shut down. Chris H.(?) wants me to take care of some errands for him. Guy with no pants gives me a hat. Before: I photocopied 332 pages, including 325 pages of my book.

February 18 dream:  Recalling a magic day on Mission Street when I bought a suit. And not some crazy one. Never did get that suit. And can’t find the store. Arab woman and dog wrapped entirely in cloth. He escapes and follows me a bit.

February 17, 2022:  Respond to anonymous call in a.m. with this text: “Another Valentine? I know that you love me. And I love you.” In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. James and Eric at W.P. James very happy, beautiful young man. Last saw him on December 23. When I left, I hoped to speak with him more but Eric kind of got in the way. Bruce also there. I will buy his book next Thursday. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Cute young guy in black shorts smiles when I cruise him.

February 17 dream:  Just about to get off work. We’re waiting for the gates to be opened.

February 17 dream:  About to prepare room for last day party. Have to talk to woman co-worker.

February 17 dream:  Something about Carol Carter.

February 16, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Nelson at W.G. on Ocean Avenue. Haven’t seen him since July 9, 2021. Go to Peet’s W.P. Eric, Kai and Eduardo there. Eric pissed me off a bit. He’s so gregarious, so easy to talk to that it feels like he’s hiding himself. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Stop at W.F. Check out with transexual Jesse.

February 16 dream:  They sneak in four negative orders at the last minute. And we can’t find them. (h.o.)

February 16 dream:  Looking for four odd pair out shoes. (h.o.)

February 16 dream:  Trying to get last things in order.

February 16 dream:  As I’m turning on TV monitor in backyard, get two old videos of people greeting Jeannie Maher. One was Bob Meslinsky. Another Phil Diers. She avoided kissing all the gay men on the mouth. Then she appeared in person. Told me I was screwed by Janet at work ’cause I didn’t have any management experience or at least that’s what I told her (Janet). A black male minister joined us as we walked to the street. I didn’t know whether to continue with them or not. Woke up.

February 16 dream:  Driver runs off the road. Appears stunned and maybe injured. The car is smoking. I get out my phone to call for help. My phone is circular rather than rectangular. He’s an older man driving a convertible.

February 15, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio and Douglas at Peet’s. Later Eduardo. Sergio polite. Douglas sweet. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Then W.F. Avoid August and Min to get in line of friendly, peppy young woman. She is later joined by Isabella. In p.m. DVD sticks in DVD player. I blame myself.

February 15 dream:  Toying with the idea of going to Washington State to pick up guy and bring him to L.A. for interview. I was suggesting someone else do it, but guy said why not me? (h.o.)

February 15 dream:  Someone tried to kidnap the president of the U.S.  Other guy defended him, calling him the “soul of this country.”

February 15 dream:  Trying to get in touch with high-up guy who knows the president. (*Relates to phone call I hear simultaneous to this dream, even though my phone is turned off. Next morning, I text: “Thanks for the Valentine. Better late than never.”)

February 14, 2022:  Jerk off in a.m. Really enjoy myself. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Sudoku at C.B. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. I check out with guy I don’t know. I ask him, “Are you the store manager?” He says, “No, I’m the store bitch.” Walk home. Figure out way to find Dianne Wiest on tribalism online as suggested by Sarah. In p.m. choke in fear about something. (*Relates to last dream of February 13.)

February 14 dream:  Father of the house fires me. I can’t leave fast enough. In fact, it’s really hard to move. Pass Nancy and Laurie on way out. (*Relates to choking last night and last dream of February 13?)

February 14 dream:  Living in Bernie’s house. Women don’t like it.

February 14 dream:  Heading to my bride and my wedding in Texas.

February 13, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Listen to video about Israel. (*See last dream of February 8.) Israel is the name given to Jacob after spending a night wrestling the dark angel. Does this mean I have overcome my dark angel? Walk to W.P. Nedim and Sergio at Peet’s. Sergio ignores me completely or is very formal. I am jealous when woman barista talks to him or male customer. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Talk with cute guy in vegetable dept. I ask him if the game is still going on. He says he doesn’t know. I say, “Do you know who’s ahead?’ He says he doesn’t know. He turns out to be cuter and nicer than I thought before I approached him. Check out with Isabella. Speak briefly with transexual Jesse. Insight: Hear somebody call somebody a “son of a bitch” in movie and get defensive about my own mother. That was new for me.

February 13 dream:  Take shit. Half falls on floor. I pick it up with my bare hands. (h.o.)

February 13 dream:  Need space for my photo exhibit to be projected on wall. Director takes me to new place. With box in my hands, other guy tells me what I need to so. I say, “I can’t keep that all in my head.”

February 13 dream:  Trying to walk thru park. There’s a fenced-in baseball diamond in the way. Lots of bigger, tougher guys playing baseball.

February 13 dream:  Being in supplicant position with male authority figure.

February 12, 2022:  Get up early. Work online. Take nap. Miss Sarah’s call. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See “Sebastian” in G.P. store window. Daniel at C.B. As I leave black woman/city worker from January 21 comes in. As I pause on Diamond Street, considering whether to take #35 into the Castro, she passes me and calls me an asshole, I think. Last time I saw her she was trying to interrupt my conversation with Brandon at C.B. I think she might be a tulpa of John’s shadow. Take #35 to 19th Street. Walk thru Castro. It looks busier and healthier than I’ve seen it look for quite some time. It was a warm night and there were lots of people out and about. Passed by 440 Club. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Walk up Market. Old woman in black outfit with short sleeves smiles at me as I conclude that black woman city worker in G.P. is a projection of J’s negative energy. First wanting to interrupt my getting to know Brandon. Then calling me an asshole as I decide to go to the Castro and interrupt John as he hides out at the 440 Club. So I can’t be with John, but I can’t be with anyone else either, according to this tulpa. Go to M.S. Then #43 home.

February 12 dream:  Explore rambling old mansion. Some rooms in disrepair which used to be functioning well. And vice versa.

February 12 dream:  List of all the projects we’re working on with update info. (h.o.)

February 12 dream:  At party, someone says Calvin has got to go. It’s my party at my home and I say he can stay.

February 12 dream:  In Chicago, it begins to snow. I feel good like the wait was worth it and I’m in the right place. Man says to his wife, “Well, looks like we’ve finally arrived, Grandma.”

February 11, 2022:  Hot night last nite. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Asian-ish guy on Ocean, running to catch up with car. As he gets in, he turns around and smiles at me. Continue to W.P. Stop by C.S. Reading Room. Talk with Ladi. Go to Peet’s. Douglas very sweet to me. Walk up Ulloa. Admire guy in shorts walking with woman. He smiles back. Feel “shitty” on walk up. Go to M.S. Then #43 home. Talk with Peter on walk home. Take shit when I get home. Insight: God (Truth) is the only fame.

February 11 dream:  Friends, male and female, are all together on pier. Then woman says she want to show me something before I leave. It’s a bell to chime for something. (h.o.)

February 11 dream:  Go to Castro Theater. Lots of people I know there: Chris Daly, Bob Meslinsky, etc. It’s so crowded that people have to watch the stage on TV sets where I go to find a seat.

February 10, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to W.G. Hear someone call my name, “Mike.” I walk over. It’s Jesse from Railroad Expresso. Haven’t seen him since February 19, 2020 or March 8, 2021. We talk briefly. He’s sitting in car drinking a beer with loud dog in back seat. Go to W.P. Bruce and Sergio at Peet’s. Sergio completely ignores me. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Pass young guy on Plymouth Avenue. Double-back and talk to him. He’s a sophomore at Lick-Wilmerding. He says he’s enjoying learning Spanish even though he’s more of a science and technology guy. His name is Sebastian. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) He says, “See you around.” I guess he must have been around 16 though he looked and acted maybe 20. I fell in love, of course.

February 10 dream:  Running off essay about Dom Dominic. He’s the subject of a long title of a brochure we are printing out. We printed out 20. The pages were wet. 20 people registered for the class. Guy said he’d print out 20 more copies.

February 10 dream:  Someone wanted me to role-play being a child molester to a little girl, so I approached her very kindly.

February 9, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Eric and Eduardo at Peet’s. I tell Eric I sent him a couple of emails about The House That Jack Built. He said he’d read them. Feel “shitty” so take K home. Sit near beautiful, dark-haired young man. Stop by W.F. Talk with Doug in the Bakery Dept. Check out with Min. Talk with Korean Avalon guy I run into on elevator, trying to understand him. Take shit when I get home. Get excited about Gabor Maté/Stephen Porges video. Enroll in online course.

February 9 dream:  Our partner makes three hamburgers in the microwave. We only make two, though should probably have also made three.

February 9 dream:  Taking drug gives them fantastic sex. I say, “Can I have some of that?”

February 9 dream:  In class with “hip” teacher. At the end we started talking about why the Japanese wear wooden shoes:  to keep themselves awake.

February 9 dream:  Register for one week course. Woman gives me my money back ’cause she thinks I’m only interested in courses on the military.

February 8, 2022:  Apply for Berkeley BMR apartment. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See guy with “Berkeley” T-shirt on San Benito Way. Nedim, Douglas and Sergio at Peet’s. Sergio is very cool towards me. Douglas sweet to me. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with August, who is also very cool towards me. And also, like Sergio, his fingernails are painted black.

February 8 dream:  Trying to find all the things that belong to the U.S. Navy so we can move them out of the building. (h.o.)

February 8 dream:  Transfer list of names to list of names with quotes around them. At party, wear face mask along with others.

February 8 dream:  Walking dog. Find trail. Follow it into pool. He doesn’t get all wet like I did. He turns into handsome naked man.

February 8 dream:   The word “Israel.”

February 7, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Brandon not at C.B as I had expected. Sudoku there. Also guy from January 25. (*Relates to hawk and crows and shits from hier, I think.) Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Think I should call W.G. to make sure I put patch on my foot callus correctly. Sweet black guy smiles at me as I’m thinking this. #43 home. In p.m. Call W.G. and they correct me. Watch The House That Jack Built for 2nd time so I can speak with Eric about it.

February 7 nap dream:  Woman preparing large bottle of clear water.

February 7 dream:  Attend Kennedy brother funeral. A relative in white passes me. I say, “I’ll be visiting dead guy next door.” It doesn’t work.

February 7 dream:  Helping rabbi dismantle his synagogue. But he’s taken away the front steps so there’s no way to get in. Think maybe I’ll become a rabbi.

February 6, 2022:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See hawk and two crows from a distance. Nemid at Peet’s. People standing next to me as I sit at table. Glad they leave. Then one of the women says, “Good luck with that” about my crossword puzzle. I ignore her, but later apologize to her internally at least. Feel kind of “shitty.” Take K home. Toilet still clogged from this a.m. but I have to take a shit anyhow. Finally get toilet unclogged. Interpret last dream of February 5 to mean that my psyche thinks I need to have more sex. It was a shitty day. In p.m. see “Now. More than ever. Brace yourself.”

February 6 dream:  Guy asking little girl in line, “What are you doing here? Not your comedy or anything, but what are you doing here?”

February 6 dream:  Trying to cash $1,600 paycheck at United California Bank on Christmas day. They tell me to try back tomorrow.

February 6 dream:  Running through the woods so fast. Try to slow down. Finally arrive at beach house with sculptures of people. Go thru greeting line. People are worshipping this young guy who’s sitting on the ground. I pass by quickly. He smiles at me with his eyes.

February 5, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Sun at library. Sudoku and Daniel at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear Sean coming home on his motorcycle. Just miss him. Hot unicyclist on Portola Drive. Go to CVS. On exiting try to avoid young girl in halter top, but she insists on showing me her breasts. (*Relates to hawk and two crows from hier at about the same time.) They were impressive. #43 home. Look back at guy who gives me dirty look. Later angry young guy gets off in a huff and calls his girlfriend a bitch. See “Brace Yourself.”

February 5 dream:  Give Leigh the last piece of chicken. Spend last of money on something else. (h.o.)

February 5 dream:  Red-headed school kid stays away from me ’cause he’s scared of me, but says I’m sacred of him. At end of dream 4 or 5 school kids pass me. Then there’s one standing in front of me trying to be menacing. I think he’s beautiful and tell him so.

February 5 dream:  The last Prosperos assembly? Not many people there.

February 5 dream:  At work. Absolutely nothing to do. My two co-workers took mescaline. I’m in my boxers and a dress shirt. Go to bathroom but janitor keeps popping in. Then woman co-worker. She asks me if I’ve been to Vegas a lot. I say only three times in my life. She says, “That’s what I thought. There’s a lot more to life.”

February 4, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See hawk being chased by two crows right on top of me at Vicente and West Portal. Douglas and Nedim at Peet’s. Good to see both of them again since they closed for almost a whole month due to COVID. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with cashier in training named Jesse. His/her name tag read “Jesse/she/they”. He/she looked like an effeminate guy with a beard and glasses. So I’m not sure what he/she is. If he/she is a transexual woman to man, why call herself she/they? If she’s transexual man to woman, why the beard? August there helping her. His name tag read “August/he/him”. I know these pronouns are supposed to show our increased acceptance of alternate sexualities, but that just pissed me off.

February 4 dream:  Returning items at military base. (h.o.)

February 4 dream:  Warning of something to come.

February 4 dream:  Join Scientology-type cult which appears to be opening up. No more unexplainable violence or secrets.

February 3, 2022:  In’ til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Bruce there. Hadn’t seen him since December 28, 2021. Find out he’s a friend of Fred Cline. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Insight: Realize it’s wrong to expect my healing to depend on somebody else. Realize also that my physical pain in probably secondary to my emotional pain. Realize it’s not John I’m hoping will heal me, but my father. Realize he’s never going to be able to do that. To give me the kind of love I think I need is just not in his ability to do. It’s not in John’s ability to do either. So I have to look elsewhere. I’ll have to do it for myself. Like we all have to do  it for ourselves. Go to W.F. Pass by green tea guy. I double back. I say, “So you’re the green tea guy?” He says, “Yes.” I say, “What do you recommend?” He told me a brand and said, “That’s what my intuition says. I don’t know where it comes from.” I say, “Yeah. None of us know where our intuition comes from.” Check out with Cole.

February 3 dream:  Taking stuff out of a pickup truck and into a car for moving. Little lion was one thing.

February 3 dream:  About to make myself a cheese sandwich. Woman says, “Is that your food?” I say, “Probably not.” She says, “Go ahead.” We’re at some sort of disaster scene.

February 3 dream:  Leave Grandma Smith with two candles(?) Go to take care of Livia M. Grandma Smith says she wants to help re-write Murder She Wrote.

February 2, 2022:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio there. He greets me. As I leave we chat briefly. I say, “It’s nice to see you.” He’s wearing black fingernail polish, I notice. (*Relates to shits from hier about this time, I think.) Later, outside store in W.P. some teenagers block my path. I say to man standing next to me, “Teenagers. What can you do?” Later in p.m. Dexter character says, “Teenagers. What can you do?” Walk home. Via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Isabella. I ask her, “Where’s August?” She was with us on January 29 as I check out with August and comment on the origin of his name. I say to Isabella, “Isabella was a queen, too, wasn’t she?” She looks away. Women in line behind me smile. Translate: I need an exorcism. Conclusion: Truth has a morality of its own.

February 2 dream:  Peeing in someone’s home. Hanz(?) there. No bathroom. (h.o.)

February 2 dream:  Man in trouble returning to his sister’s cabin in the woods.

February 2 dream:  Hearing about one thing bring up Tom C’s name. He speaks against including his name in the discussion and walks off hand-in-hand with young lady who I thought was gay. Two of the six or so lawyers were black women.

February 2 dream:  Guy insists I take art class before I put up my poster. I say, “No.” But go there anyhow. Can’t find class.

February 1, 2022:  Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 3ish. Walk to P.O. box and run into Eric from Peet’s, on Ocean Avenue. We talked for about half an hour. Shrey passes us on his way home. Walk to G.P. Feel “shitty.” Take shits at Safeway. Wait for #23 to G.P. in front of Jun’s salon. He calls me in. We talked for about 20 minutes. #23 to G.P. library. See Sudoku as C.B. is closing. See Sun on my way out of G.P. library. Walk up Monterey Boulevard to Safeway. On way to #43. I’m thinking that my body pains will stop as soon as John and I get together. Guys at barber shop wave at me as I’m walking by thinking this. I step back and wave back at them. #43 home. Peter surprises me after I get off bus. We walk and talk about his lab rats at UCSF.

February 1 dream:  Trying to get passes for the next couple of times. (h.o.)

February 1 dream:  Go in to get my tank filled at place I work out. Owner is a conservative businessman. They keep giving me advice on how to take care of my car which I rarely drive. I say, “Can you please just fill up my tank?” Earlier owner in fuzzy sweater sitting with his fuzzy dog

January 31, 2022:  Jerk off in a.m. Get anonymous call after. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Peet’s open again after about a month off. Eric there who I hadn’t seen since December 12, 2021. Also, Minnie(?) Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Translate: I believe I have “caught” a disease. Conclusion: Truth accepts Itself in whatever form It takes. From Arne Dahl in p.m. “I’ll be knocking on your door.”

January 31 dream:  Staying in same house as my father. Haven’t run into him yet. (h.o.)

January 31 dream:  Visit couple in nice building. Matt Lech there. While the two are talking, I ask Matt where he lives. He says, “Shreveport.” I say, “That’s a dead operation, like here?” He says, “Yeah.”

January 31 dream:  Visit Livia and Maureen. M says, “They (the Executive Council) won’t let me build my Model M city. Too Biblical.”

January 31 dream:  I eat some bit of red plastic.

January 31 dream:  On train, young guy thanks me. Later woman next to me says she’d like some chocolate. I buy us two M&M packets. Counter person says she’ll get tipped if she includes a slice of cake.

January 30, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to S.B. Portola. Talk with Jasper Craig (”Slow” guy from diary of January 23.) Walk to W.P. Take K home. Rams win. 49ers lose. Translate: I feel contaminated physically or psychically. Conclusion: The only doctrine is the doctrine of spiritual fullness.

January 30 dream:  I’m scheduled to give a Prosperos talk in a few minutes and I can’t get my talk to print out. Then I can’t find my talk on my computer.

January 30 dream:  I am a little boy running around trying to settle down so I can talk to some woman at work, perhaps my mother. Somebody says, “Now you’re an accomplice.”

January 30 dream:  Working late at the office. I tell all, “I wish I had time to clean up the place but it’s so late.”

January 30 dream:  After work, go to my car (my Mustang convertible) on Montgomery Street. It’s not there though people are getting into a convertible with two backseats. I ask if the car is mine but see that it isn’t. Take cab home. Driver says he doesn’t go all the way to City College.

January 30 dream:  Group of us trying to comfort grand-daughter of Joseph P. Kennedy, who has died, though she thinks he’s just sick.

January 29, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to S.B. Portola. See cute, young Asian tulpa on Ocean? Run into handsome, homeless guy named Christian in front of S.B. (*See diary of November 11, 2021.) Later run into Taylor inside S.B. (*See diary of January 2, 2022.) Walk down to W.P. Take K home. Homeless black woman starts conversation with me. Go to W.F. check out with August. (*See diary of December 31, 2021.) Go to McD’s to see fi they have plant-based meat. They say, “Not yet.” They’re going to call it “McPlant.”

January 29 dream:  [Voice inside my throat as I’m going to sleep says, “Listen.”]

January 29 dream:  Try to get into but am blocked by old folks home.

January 29 dream:  Working in law offices.

January 29 dream:  Standing next to Majority Report’s Matt Lech working on somebody else’s old computer. Matt says, “Did you read it [the papers coming out of the computer].” I say, “No. ’cause I don’t know how to.”

January 28, 2022:  In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to hair appointment with Jun. We have great time. At first we talk about robot marriages. Then older woman interrupts us and wants a haircut right away. So we talk about her. Walk to G.P. Sudoku and Brandon at C.B. when I say good-bye to Brandon, he says, “Good-night.” (*See diary of January 21.) Walk thru G.C.P. Passing siren gets all the coyotes howling. Go to M.S. They finally have lots of “Soy Dream” milk after I called the supplier last night. #48 and K home.

January 28 dream:  About to do a Sondheim musical which I’d never done before. I stop by to meet some of my fellow actors. (h.o.)

January 28 dream:  Tom O. tells me he’s gay and in a relationship with someone. Bob Matusiak helps me create a calling card for the Metaphysical Alliance. We use his phone numbers.

January 28 dream:  See my mother as an old lady sitting on a chair.

January 28 dream:  Coyote comes after me.

January 27, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk Monterey Boulevard to G.P. Cruise red-headed guy with nice body. (*Relates to hawk from two days ago at Monterey Boulevard, I think.) Sudoku at C.B. Cyclist and his dog at Portola and O’Shaughnessy smiles self-deprecatingly as I look at him. Guy at M.S. with pony tail. (*See diary of January 11.) #43 home. See Peter and talk with him about his experiments with rats at UCSF. Strong heart palpitations in the middle of the night.

January 27 dream:  Walk by bear in front of open garage/store. Black male owner comes out and turns bear into cute little monkey.

January 27 dream:  A few cockroaches around food we’re serving. I killed one. Talk to guy I like. I say, “Are you excited about Christmas?”

January 26, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up to Starbucks Portola. Interesting, sweet guy on Miraloma. Justin and other baristo at S.B. Finish Up-Wingers book. #43 home. Feel bouncy-happy on way to W.F. Then pass cute guy in shorts in front of Pakwan resto who smiles and looks away.

January 26 dream:  [Someone gently lifting sock off my face as I fall off to sleep.]

January 26 dream:  Eating a sandwich on my way out.

January 26 dream:  Drive thru massive new modern building in L.A. on Geary Boulevard where I live. The building takes up the whole block and then some. It houses PBS, Newsweek, and other media companies. My father is driving me there. Nancy O. there, too. Some want to go to party place afterwards. We stop by office where they work with all of the campaign volunteers.

January 25, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Ocean to G.P. Feel someone following me. I step aside. My “shirtless” Asian friend passes me. He is actually shirtless today. Follow other guy up Ocean to Mission. He crosses the street. I stay on my side of Mission. Go to Excelsior library. Same guy passes me. Then he turns around and says, “Are you following me?” In say, “No.” He laughs and says, “Yeah. What are the chances?” Hawk at Monterey Boulevard. Sudoku at C.B. He says he’s been anesthetized by philosophers. Also guy who I cruised relentlessly on January 19. Also nice barista there. Sun at G.P. library. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Then #43 home. Run into Peter. We talk, mostly about omicron. He tells me, “Hang loose.”

January 25 dream:  Playing game with my family. (h.o.)

January 25 dream:  I help marry skinny guy to overweight woman. (h.o.)

January 25 dream:  Stopping by my therapist’s, who was Judy Dench. Talked to her secretary who was also her daughter. I owed her $60 but didn’t go to the ATM so didn’t have it on me. I had a Prosperos class before but it ended early so I was able to stop by.

January 24, 2022:  In ’til noon. #29 and #38 to VA. My foot callus is a lot smaller. Nice to see Dr. Mah again. Go to La Promenade Cafe on Balboa. Nice guy there. Walk thru G.G. Park to Inner Sunset. Take N to Cole Street. Sit across from beautiful young black man who reveals his beauty to me just before getting off at UCSF. Get Vietnamese sandwich from my favorite sandwich maker at Luke’s. As I’m eating sandwich at Carl and Cole, filthy, fat homeless guy passes me. As he turns around notice his head and face which looks remarkably like John’s stunningly handsome face. Take #37 to Castro. Go into 440 Club for cranberry juice. Can’t get waited on so take pee and leave. Take K home. Cute Japanese h.s. kid keeps looking at his reflection in the window. Isaiah at W.F doesn’t speak or look at me. Insight on my breakthrough on January 17: I’d always known I had the fearful self within me. But now realized I also had the tyrant I was afraid of inside me as well. So whether my father abused me or not, he abused me. And I incorporated not only my fearful self, but him as well. Knowing this, I am in a more powerful position to deflate both. A lie uncovered is a lie self-destroyed.

January 24 dream:  Matt (from Majority Report) standing outside my door. I see him through the peephole. I open door. He gives me set of keys. I figure they are to Paul’s apartment. He says he’ll check back with me every four months to see how I do. I say, “Paul is dead scary.”

January 24 dream:  All the chairs are set up. Hear we have to set up more. Gives me chance to say goodbye to a friend. We’re getting the new chairs on the deck of an aircraft carrier. I’m going thru a list of the songs we can play.

January 24 dream:  Someone going to an AA-type meeting.

January 23, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola. Stop by CVS to buy Chron. See Austin again. (See diary of January 12.) Go to Starbucks Portola. Lock eyes with guy heading into restroom. Looked for him on his way out but never saw him again. Read more from Up-Wingers. See “slow” guy from January 16. He keeps to himself and his mother. #43 home. Make eye contact with guy standing though there are plenty of seats. I decide to stand as well in his honor.

January 23 dream:  Gave up my room in 4-bedroom place with Tom, Nancy and Laurie. And N.Y. didn’t work out.

January 22, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Get $25 donation from Janet C. “for all you do for all your communities.” Walk to Portola. Beautiful day. Feel kind of “shitty.” Starbucks Portola very quiet. Read more Up-Wingers by FM-2030. He says: “The individual does not belong to a specific community but is part of many communities–part of the whole planet.” #43 home. Go to W.F. Check out with Aisha, AOC lookalike. Chose not to check out with Isaiah.

January 22 dream:  At remarkable Prosperos meeting. Someone suggested we make the school the “person of the year.” I said, “Make it clear” because he said it incompletely. Then I said, “I agree. I think that’s a wonderful idea.”

January 22 dream:  Doing some job for Avalon Apartments. Tall, young, handsome guy exercising on the floor and sweating from his head.

January 22 dream:  Impress my co-worker with the job I do on my final tasks.

January 22 dream:  Thinking of ways to address my $10,000 debt and other smaller debts.

January 21, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Pass Circular Avenue friend from January 13, still working on his van. I look in, shading my eyes from the sun and move on. (*Relates to shits from hier at about the same time, I think.) G.P. library. At C.B., talk briefly with cute young baristo from January 17. Then black woman street cleaner interrupts to complain about pee on the restroom toilet seat. (I having been the last person in the restroom.) Walk thru G.C.P. Then M.S. Pushy woman behind me in line. #43 home.

January 21 dream:  Trying to call my editor but it’s late and I just get a message.

January 21 dream:  My female boss wants me to help pick out the best competition.

January 21 dream:  I am riding motorcycle without handlebars thru unpaved area near Santa Cruz. Woman giving me ride home says I should move there. I say I want to write two articles about the area.

January 21 dream:  At Prosperos gathering, Ruth Backlund(?) looking very happy. We hug. She asks me, “What does ‘in the line of’ mean?” I say that I think it means that she should write something “in the line of” something.

January 20, 2022:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Cute guy whose ass I check out as I’m leaving the building. He smiles. Hear guy on Ocean say, “It’s going to be epic.” Sweet cashier at 7-Eleven. Feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Take shits at Starbucks Portola. No connections there. See beautiful dog near CVS Portola. We check each other out. Walk to W.P. Take K home. W.F. On DVD in p.m., see “It won’t be long now” and “Any time now.”

January 20 dream:  Huge slice of pizza-type food. Guy wants his piece cut into to make it more manageable.

January 19, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Sun at library. Sudoku at C.B. Sit near cute young guy. As he leaves, I start cruising him mercilessly. Then stop myself. Then when he gets up, I go at him again. He pretends not to notice. Believe it or not, I think this is part of my spiritual ministry. I feel good. They feel good. It’s suprasex! Walk thru G.C.P. Wave to Janet, the Coyote Lady. She doesn’t wave back. #43 home.

January 19 dream:  Reorganizing everything in store after big earthquake. I’m working on women’s make-up.

January 19 dream:  Drive thru to big empty building. See black guy who I know and who was very big in the company.

January 19 dream:  Finishing his portion of some emotional letters. About to take lunch break.

January 19 dream:  Irene Smith still alive and at meeting which I emceed. I wanted her to share with the whole meeting but she said she’d call me. Walk home via forest with guy who had red splotches on his jacket like me. Lots of animals – a small bear, raccoons, chipmunks, etc. – gather around some potential source of food. I assume it was some animal in trouble.

January 19 dream:  Going thru Belarus backwards.

January 18, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Peet’s W.P. still closes at 2 p.m. this week. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Cute cashier at 7-Eleven where I buy Chron. Justin at Starbucks. Also Anthony lookalike who is very friendly with me. Also SOTA student who I cruised mercilessly as he walked out. #43 home.

January 18 dream:  Rich guy about to eat sandwich?

January 18 dream:  Go back to where I used to work. Make a mess. Try to clean up. Look at photo of “Vega,” an ancient symbol.

January 17, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. New baristo there. Very cute, sweet, quiet. I try to connect with him. As I leave, I say, “Are you going to be here tomorrow?” He says, “Well, not me. But we’ll be here.” See Lee in front of his liquor store reading SFMTA announcement on the telephone pole. We start talking. His mother comes out to get him away from me. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Cute guy with long hair and broad shoulders. I try to connect with him, too, so as I pass him in aisle, I say, “Are you finding everything you need?” He says, “Yes.” Walk home. Stop by Gennessee Street home which had all the beautiful Xmas tree lights. They were working out in an open garage and watching TV. I tried to make myself noticed. The dog perked up but not the two guys. Insight: As I get home around 6 p.m. hear guy playing scales on his saxophone. Try to find out which apartment he’s in. But when I go down to 2nd floor, he stops. Later realize what’s really upsetting me is not the saxophone playing but my anger. Realize later it’s not even my anger. It’s my father’s anger which I have incorporated within me. It’s like in those horror movies: “The call is coming from inside the house!” My father’s not really dead. He’s alive and well and living in my head! And emoting of his own volition! (*Relates to 2nd dream of hier? Also to woman from January 11 who predicted the end of the pandemic [at least my pandemic] in one week? Also to final football game from my Rosa Parks dream? The simultaneous game in Washington, D.C., and Miami, Florida, symbolizing me (Miami) separating off from my father (Washington) through this insight.)

January 17 dream:  Go out with some family and friends. Tom C. there. Nancy O. and Laura H. also. I thought we were going to a movie, but turned out to be a lecture. Give Tom C. a hard look. Lecturers were all professors dressed in suits and ties giving their talk from inside a pool. They were either treading water or casually swimming around as they talked about the coming of the Nazis.

January 17 dream:  Am invited over to friend’s house for party. The floor became muddy so I decided to leave after an hour or so.

January 17 dream:  Talking with woman in really nice home. Her parents have been away in London for 10 years. “But they send gifts,” she said.

January 16, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. See my “shirtless” Asian friend on Ocean who was actually shirtless today. Go to Starbucks. Somewhat “slow” young man comes in with his mother, I assume. He’s very sweet. He waves at most everybody who passes. He waves at me as I’m seated. Later he stands up and puts on a funny hat. I go over to him and say, “I like your hat.” He says, “My hat?” I say, “Yes.” He says, “I like you.” I say, “I like you, too.” #43 home. Work on book.

January 16 dream:  On an airplane, remembering the time I was on one which had cockroaches on it.

January 16 dream:  A friend of mine loves the military “for what they can do.” He’s trying to fit together event. Was able to straighten the roof which created a path for small rectangular box of information to slide right into my hands.

January 16 dream:  Guy trying to help me out is a Republican.

January 15, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Library. Sudoku and Daniel at C.B. Cute worker at Canyon Market who shows me the plant-based meat. Walk thru G.C.P. Janet, the Coyote Lady, there. #43 home. See Pater. Walk to W.F. with him. Check out with Cole. Cute young guy on 3rd floor with lots of clothes in his basket. Insight: Pedophilia is not a sexual act. It’s a form of bullying, someone with power having his (or her) way over somebody (a child) with no power.

January 15 dream:  Am in prison. Trying to get attention of beautiful naked man so I can get out.

January 15 dream:  Look at apartment I’d looked at a few years ago. Like it even less now.

January 15 dream:  Guy is trying at Philka Arms.

January 14, 2022:  Wake up late. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Begin reading Up-wingers (as opposed to right-wingers or left-wingers). Go to M.S. #43 home.

January 14 dream:  John and I hanging out at outdoor table. I ask why he doesn’t go back to his sister’s place. Then realize she’s not in. I guess he plans on staying there at the table. The waiter is trying to get us to leave. I tell John, “I’m glad you didn’t take too much whatever you took.”

January 14 dream:  Just moved to new city. Am with Tom C. and woman. Then other older woman says to me, “You’ll be taking a job in a law firm.” Tom suddenly turns her around, apparently to show her something she wanted to see. Later driving around on bikes. Then just horrible, filthy neighborhood.

January 14 dream:  Helping someone wrap a present for Laura Bush. I have to reopen box. It’s a tent, I think. Perhaps new, but with lots of dirt on it.

January 13, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Cute, sweet Asian man washing his newly-purchased van on Circular Avenue. Gang of h.s. boys running by. Cute bicyclist with them. Librarian at G.P. was interested in Inflamed, the book I just returned. I admitted I hadn’t really read it. Sudoku at C.B. Also loud techie. He yells at his phone, “Dick are you comfortable.?” I say, “Yeah, I’m comfortable.” Barista smiles at me. Walk thru G.C.P. See Rachel Gordon walking with her partner. I talk briefly with her. See Janet, the Coyote Lady. Talk briefly with her. Then family with two little girls walking down steps as I walk up them. Little girl says, “I’m tired.” I say, “So am I.” Tall, good-looking daddy smiles at me and says, “You’ve got a long way to go, kiddo.” Strange young man at O’Shaughnessy. #43 home.

January 13 dream:  Swimming pools.

January 13 dream:  I’m mad at friend of mine. He assumes we’re going to lunch together. I go off in another direction.

January 12, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up to CVS Portola. Cute, sweet young guy named Austin helps me out. Starbucks Portola closed. Take #48 to W.P. Starbucks W.P. closed. Take K to Java Hut on Ocean Avenue. I step outside to take photo of beautiful sunset. Then two others do likewise. W.F. Home.

January 12 dream:  Tom O. and I swinging thru trees of forest. Trying to figure out what to fix. Land on two very tall trees and decide to do an online presentation about coffee, for a woman.

January 12 dream:  Have sex with really cute guy in public restroom. Get so excited that I dissociate. I hope I did okay. We plan to meet again. Later have to take care of two things downtown. Go to most dangerous block in the city. Black guy shakes my hand. I am a reporter.

January 12 dream:  Run into friends. Nancy O. there. They’re going to big demonstration. I ask which one ’cause I was at one earlier.

January 11, 2022:  Get call from friendly guy talking about real estate in Texas. (*Relates to shits from hier. Also to dream of January 8 in which friendly cat is pawing at me with mice in the background while I sleep. The cat is the friendly guy. The mice in the background are John. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Gay friend at library. Go to C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. See coyote and Janet, the Coyote Lady, with her “granddog.” Outside M.S., see woman taking photo of the sunset. I say, “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” She said, “The sky looked this way a week before the pandemic started.” I said, “Maybe this means it will be coming to an end.” She said, “I hope so.” Then see beautiful young M.S. guy with hair tied in the back and lots of tattoos. I share with him what the lady told me. He says, “Interesting.” #43 home. Insight: Realized (after watching Dexter season 2, that when my father said, “Just hit me” that I could respond, “No, I don’t want to become you.” Also: Does the cat and mice dream of January 8 relate to the Washington, D.C., and Miami part of my Rosa Parks dream?

January 11 dream:  Old mole coming off. (h.o.)

January 11 dream:  Some family moving out in a hurry. Bob Labansat there.

January 10, 2022:  See “Tonight” in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Sudoku at C.B. Have shits at C.B. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. #43 home.

January 10 dream:  Woman shoveling dirt from one spot in her front yard to another spot in her front yard.

January 10 dream:  Copying pages of text by hand. The rest is sketches. So I’m about to ask if i’m finished.

January 10 dream:  Rush to eat steak sandwich. Drop half of it on the floor. Remember how good they used to be.

January 10 dream:  Beautiful guy shows off his ass. He’s with others in a pool. Try go get back to him. Get lost in coffee shop.

January 9, 2022:  Tough nite last nite. Called Peet’s W.P. Eduardo says they won’t be back to normal hours ’til January 17. In ’til 4ish. Walk up to Mt. Davidson. Then Starbucks Portola. See amazingly beautiful young Japanese guy with his boyfriend. At first I was attracted. Then, as he revealed himself more, not so much. Walk down to Monterey. #43 home. Wrench my back somewhat. Go to W.F. Meet new checkout guy named Jonathan. Min and Isaiah also there.

January 9 dream:  Thinking, “Perhaps somebody died today.”

January 8, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Gay friend at library. Sudoku and Daniel at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. See coyote and Janet, the Coyote Lady. Go to M.S. Bought 4 cartons of “Soy Dream.” Share my excitement with checkout girl. #43 home. Two guy son bus. One kind of told me where to sit. Later he showed me on his cellphone a photo of him in front of “Hot Cookie” on Castro. Insight: Twice my father inadvertently told me the truth. “Just hit me” mean I should stand up to him and I never did. He was right. And “Do you think this [the stepfamily] is just a lie?” was his way of admitting that it was. Hear “le soir” (tonight) on DVD. (*See diary of January 3.)

January 8 dream:  I’m in plane descending through clouds.

January 8 dream:  Almost at end of trip. The cat is out so the mice are out to play. [Feel cat’s paws curiously pawing at my blanket as I sleep.  i think, “You better be the cat and not the mice.]

January 8 dream:  Woman editing something as if I didn’t already know.

January 7, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Forgot cell phone earphones. Go home. Walk up Plymouth to W.P. Peet’s closed again. Walk up Ulloa. Cute young guy, like a h.s.-aged John walking in front of me. I check him out. He turns around and poses for me. Go to Starbucks. #43 home.

January 7 dream:  Trying to get some information from a fellow game player. (h.o.)

January 7 dream:  Looking up all 52 counties in California. Someone called from the County of Ming. I joke, “Yes, we are very interested in your Mingness.”

January 7 dream:  Two of us comment on Susan Sarandon’s tongue. She shows us. It does look healthy. She asks me what I thought of Perry’s talk. I thought it was okay.

January 6, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to library. Sudoku at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 home. Five Latino construction workers get on. One sitting near me has beautiful eyes. He notices me looking at him and tries to hide. This excites me. Get home and jerk off.

January 6 dream:  Boarding submarine through 16 mile sort of straw.

January 6 dream:  Big safe in my father’s bedroom. Pacifier in the safe.

January 6 dream:  Run into guys from Berniecrats. They are having a meeting. So I stay.

January 5, 2022:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Beautiful Asian guy at Miramar K stop. Guy near W.G. smiles at me knowingly. Peet’s closed. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Adam there showing off his body. Other cute guy as I leave. I make special point of passing by him before he leaves. #43 home. Gabe at W.F.

January 5 dream:  The story of me before I became a full-time Being operator. Two little girls wrestling. Sarah F. smiles at me on entering classroom.

January 5 dream:  In courtroom, I’m telling lawyer that we need to say things with wit and flare to get people on our side. Later woman lawyer points out I’m on an “open list.” She runs her hand through my hair.

January 5 dream:  Uncle Nick finds woman next door in a tub of water with her eyes bugged out. Also a dog in a separate tub. I ask him if he’s called anyone. He says he informed the national authorities. Later we find out the woman is OK. The dog didn’t make it.

January 5 dream:  Husband found floating face downwards in a clear, clean swimming pool.

January 4, 2021:  Wake up. Clock says 10:33 A.M. Later it says 10:19 A.M. Remembering the time shortly before May 21, 1987, when I woke up hearing the words “May 21st” and then ignored a naked, showering, smiling John at the YMCA a few days before May 21, knowing that I would run into him again on May 21. Which, of course, never happened. Shits at about 2ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to library. Librarian there very nice to me. Sudoku at C.B. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Jun busy at his salon. Take #43 home. As I exit bus, cute young guy tries to bust his way in before everyone has exited. I block his way.

January 4 dream:  Write out $100 check to The Prosperos. Can’t figure out what date it is. I think it’s June 8.

January 3, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See “Tonight.” Nedim and Mimi at Peet’s. It’s raining, so take K home. Go to W.F. Long lines. Isaiah looks in a bad moon so I get in fast check out line. Unintentionally check out with Gabe. I ask him about his dance moves. As he gives me my bag, he touches me more than is needed. At first I resist. Then I let go. It feels great. Insight: Cramp from last night relates to birth cramps?

January 2, 2022:  Jerk off to man online whose eyes look like John’s. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See Shrey talking with somebody at Java Hut on Ocean Avenue. See my “shirtless” Asian friend who was actually shirtless today. Cute guy in pizza place on Ocean who turns around as I pass. Both Starbucks and Peet’s W.P. are closed. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Taylor sitting at long common table. Last time I saw him was on March 15, 2020, just before the pandemic began. Say hello briefly, and order my drink. When I return to the table, he’s gone. Go to M.S. #43 home. Insight: My father’s request to “Just hit me!” a veiled threat about what he’d do to me if I ever told?

January 2 dream:  Checking in with my group. (h.o.)

January 2 dream:  Chasing my fat cat and some other animal around the house. [Wake up with a big leg cramp in my left leg.]

January 2 dream:  Guest at a church. I am making the bed furiously to make up for the sins that have been done.

January 1, 2022:  Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 4sh. Walk to W.P. Four people say hello to me. Get to Starbucks W.P. at 4:40. They close at 4:45. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Cute baristo there looks like Anthony, but isn’t. Also other cute guy mopping the floor. Caught the eye of first baristo, not the second. Flirt with burrito lady at Miraloma Market or vice versa. #43 home. Catch glimpse of guy as I exit. On 2nd glance see even hotter guy behind him. Involuntarily laughing at somebody’s death on TV. Ask myself: What is the emotion behind that inappropriate emotion? Answer: Superiority. Remembered time in Paris when we students were on barge passing under bridge which was supposed to be romantic spot for the person you were with at the time. I was with sweet young guy who I really would have loved to kiss.

January 1 dream:  Trying to tell Laurie and a friend that I walked down upper Market with my eyes shut, going by smell alone. And that Safeway has a particular smell. Laurie and I decided to both have different kinds of frozen TV dinners.

January 1 dream:  About to have sex with a woman.

January 1 dream:  Sitting at desk at work with no work to do. My female supervisor takes my desk for a project she’s working on. I say, “Can I have my desk back?”

January 1 dream:  Dream of victory over woman from the Eastern part of the U.S. (*Relates to Heather’s email on January 2, defending her anti-vax stance, I think.)

December 31, 2021:  Insight: Fear of New Year’s Eve. Will we make it through? Things don’t always stick around. Like my mother. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. He’s got eye-liner on. I say, “Do you have big plans for tonight?” He says, “Yes, I’m having some friends over and we’re going to play ‘Dungeons and Dragons.’ How about you?” I say, “No.” He says, “Well maybe something will turn up.” Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. “Sir Allen” not there. #43 home. Go to W.F. Check out with August and Cole.

December 31 dream:  Me and woman partners in police case.

December 31 dream:  Nasty woman tries to undermine me at work.

December 31 dream:  Laurie in bed 2nd time. This time she shoots bug directly in the eyes and body with her bug spray. It’s like a big spider with pincers.

December 30, 2021:  in ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See my “shirtless” Asian friend walking without a mask. I say, “Where’s your mask?” He looks at me briefly and then walks on. Doug and Kai at W.P. Walk up Ulloa. Guy singing “Fly Me to the Moon” on his way down. Could be a tulpa. (*Relates to shits from hier about the same time?) Go to M.S. “Sir Allen” there but he didn’t look happy or good. Insight: Callus on my sole relates to callousness in my soul?

December 30 dream:  Trying to get to end of class on tape. It comes in three tapes.

December 30 dream:  Woman reading book by well-known author. I took a piece and ate it. Wondered what I would taste like as a writer.

December 29, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Rainy day. #49 and J to G.P. Sun at library. Sudoku at C.B. Walk home via Circular Avenue feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Rush into apartment and take shit. Walk to Johnny B. Goode. Get repaired shoe. Go to W.F. Min there but I miss him. Buy sparkling apple cider. Work on book. It’s almost ready.

December 29 dream:  Playing with German (enemy) lady’s “dog.” really just a long piece of cloth which wagged.

December 28, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Cold day. 44 degrees in W.P. Take K to W.P. Nedim and Bruce at Peet’s. Take K home. Take shoes back to “Johnny B. Goode.” Guy at Wells Fargo ATM gets excited just seeing me. Go to W.F. Isaiah in bad mood, as usual.

December 28 dream:  While I was in the showers, someone broke in and stole some money, I think.

December 28 dream:  Mark Leno was with friendly guy I knew somehow in the dream but not in waking life. I say to guy, “Do you know who that is?” He says, “Yes.”

December 27, 2021:  As I’m looking out my window, small bird alights briefly on my balcony. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Rainbow on the way. Daniel at C.B. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Jun closed. #43 home.

December 27 dream:  They turned the lights out but I finally got the sandwich I was looking for. Joan Didion was there. Someone said, “What about her?”

December 27 dream:  Michael Brown-type guy “on the mat” telling us about himself. I shoot daggers at him with my eyes, telling him not to lie. Later Calvin says he feels sorry for him. I know he’s lying ’cause I saw him feeling a lot more than sorry.

December 27 dream:  I’m going to miss some of the old gang.

December 26, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Cold, rainy day. Take K to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. Also baristo named Thor. Woman seated near me gives me the eye. Take K home. Doug at W.F. Check out with Cole. Insight: John came into my life, not be my partner, but to show me who I am or at least who I was. Like John, I like being an object of sexual desire. It makes me feel powerful, useful, important, meaningful, happy. Relates to final simultaneous football game in Washington, D.C. and Miami from my Rosa Parks dream? Me enjoying being treated like a sexual object by my father (Miami) and me wanting to be taken seriously as a “son of God” (Washington, D.C.) (*Insight relates to bird on my balcony from December 27?)

December 26 dream:  Some woman trying to take down my knickers. Me wanting to take down the knickers of some woman. (h.o.)

December 26 dream:  Guy tries to take painting from me. I refuse to give it to him. He looks to his coach. I say, “Don’t look to your coach. This is a moral question. You are lying.”

December 26 dream:  A couple of classes going on. Guy decides he may drive a mini-car instead of his bike.

December 25, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Take K to W.P. Buy Chron at Eezy-Freezy. Cute h.s. kid I talk with. He has paint splatters on his pants. I say, “Are you a painter?” he says, “Yeah, my dad’s in construction and I help him out sometimes.” Walk up to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there looking adorable. Also young man reading Wisdom of Life by Schopenhauer. Also a book by Ayn Rand. We talked briefly, twice. Give $4 to my homeless friend in the alley. Walk up to Mt.D. and down home. I’m a little pissed that everything’s closed on Xmas. Get email from Vincent wanting to keep in touch. Makes my scalp itch.

December 25 dream:  Father walks into bathroom just as I was heading that way. I slam something down on the table. “He’s been acting that way for years,” someone says.

December 25 dream:  Starting new job as middle school teacher in small town in Texas. I will be the only male teacher. I am being given my supplies. On top shelf, something with two names, Marsha and Marilyn, written on it. My supervisor says, “Looks like this is something between women.”

December 25 dream:  Volunteer for program. Realize it requires me to stay in facility for a while. Decide to walk out.

December 25 dream:  Sign up to go up in a hot air balloon to root for the Cleveland Browns.

December 25 dream:  Cleaning up shelving in fancy store in outer reaches of San Francisco.

December 24, 2021:  Richard Branam calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Nedim is outside Peet’s, closing up. Wave to Douglas. Go to Starbucks. Guy walking by gives me the eye. Nice chat with baristo. Take K home. See Min at W.F.

December 24 dream:  Trying to pay my concentration camp fees. Push away those who cut in front of me. Guy said they’d get my Zohar bill. (h.o.)

December 24 dream:  Trying to get down gym ladder without allowing new guys to embarrass me.

December 24 dream:  Guy tricks competitor into applying for a job at the time he should have been applying for a different job.

December 23, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Seven Xmas cards await me in my newly repaired mailbox. Walk to W.P. Nedim and Douglas and Mimi and James at Peet’s. Begin reading The Lover. Not impressed yet. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.P. Was going to check out with Cole but decided to check out with Gabe instead. I asked him if he’s been working on his dance moves. (*See diary of December 13.) He said, “Everybody’s going to be doing it.”

December 23 dream:  Empty glasses of ice water. Get ready to do something carefully.

December 23 dream:  Really cute, nice young girl and I are alone. She wants to go further. I walk her to the car. The rest of the family is waiting in the car for her. I try to say something, to make it appear as if we are not so connected,. Then just give that up and walk off. They all smile.

December 23 dream:  Building boarded off due to expectation of tsunami. I try to take picture but my camera goes blurry.

December 23 dream:  Children (me?) being plants in garden as a service for the gods. Something done around Xmas time. I’m dressed in black and white outfit.

December 23 dream:  On big ship at port preparing for some big event. Someone in charge asked about one of the men. I say, “He’s also on board ’cause he’s younger than my boss.”

December 22, 2021:  Get call from maintenance that my mailbox has been fixed. Walk to G.P. Say “Good Afternoon” to Sudoku. He questioned whether it was a good afternoon. Sun at library. Daniel at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” Talk with h.s. guy sweeping up floor. Go to CVS. Get help from Japanese young man with beautiful eyes. Take #43 home. Talk with Peter about Omicron and learning foreign languages. His sister goes to CSU. Call asking for John Pinkerton. I say, “Are you John Pinkerton?” He says, “No, I’m looking for John Pinkerton.” I say, “So am I.” Go next door to get package. Four or five guys sitting around table in lobby eating their McD food. One guy smiled at me coming and going.

December 22 dream:  Trying to get everything on the right track. (h.o.)

December 22 dream:  Two beautiful drummers are female. Guy gets them together and they are about to perform.

December 22 dream:  “You’re done, son.”

December 22 dream:  In busy part of S.F. I’d never seen before. With fat, gay friend I wanted to get away from.

December 21, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Avalon says my mailbox is broken and I have to get in touch with the office to get my mail. No one is in the office. No one responds to my email or my phone message. See “shirtless” friend just as he’s walking away from me. It’s kind of cold and rainy so take K to W.P. New baristo named James at Peet’s. Also Douglas, Nedim, Mimi. Then in comes James, the actor. (*See diary of August 25.) Talk with him briefly. He sort of cruises me. Last time I saw him he was with who I thought was his girlfriend. Take K part way home. Get shoes fixed at shoe repair place on Ocean for only $5. Very nice man there. (*See July 29, 2020 diary.) Email service request to Avalon to get my mail. Work on book. Drop and break bowl in p.m.

December 21 dream:  Staying in Texas. Lots of spiders come out at night. Lots of cats, too. I wondered if the cats would eat the spiders. Guy talking about how Texas gave away part of Oklahoma.

December 21 dream:  Thane holding big dinner party. A Picasso will be shown one night and another artist on the next night.

December 21 dream:  Win Jeep in lottery.

December 21 dream:  Woman trying to help me at work only makes things worse and the work keeps piling up.

December 20, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See “shirtless” Asian guy with muscle T-shirt on. He smiles sort of. Walk to W.P. Douglas and Nedim at Peet’s. Pretty quiet. Douglas says good-bye to me as I leave. (*Relates to shits from hier about the same time, I think.) Walk home via alternative route. Work on book in p.m. Only ten pages to go.

December 20 dream:  Do we stay or do we go?

December 20 dream:  Fighting with Chris H-type friend.

December 20 dream:  Go to park with two friends. One says he’s going to get some sun. I say, “Me, too.” Though have 2nd thoughts about the people in the park.

December 19, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Cute Asian guy on Judson. He was getting out of his car as his girlfriend (wife?) had already entered the house. He flirted with me with his eyes and I walked on as if I didn’t notice, but so as he would notice me not noticing. Go to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Sudoku also. Shits at C.B. before leaving about 5 p.m. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Check out with Marcus. Wait for #43. Go over to resto to check out cute Asian guy in glasses I followed over there. Insight: Panicky feeling of claustrophobia hier laying on my stomach on chiropractic table relates to my sexual abuse by my father? In p.m. see Episode 5 of Patrick Melrose in which Patrick (as his younger self) says to his father, “No. Nobody should do that to anybody else.”

December 19 dream:  Go to comedy/therapy camp where I find out I have been sexually abused. Hope I have time to deal with it.

December 19 dream:  Took two long-legged insects out of my left foot. Then tied up my tennis shoes (and my bike) and rode to my sweetheart’s place. She was an older woman.

December 19 dream:  Sunday “I Do” special at 7 p.m. I was wearing the striped shirt with colored stripes on the bottom and black and white stripes on the top, so I was invited.

December 19 dream:  Pay $25 for some cookies and a drink. Meet Ana Kasparian (played by Jennifer Aniston) as I pay. She’s very nice to me. We do high five. [Woke up coughing.]

December 18, 2021:  Anonymous call about 11:30 a.m. (*Relates to shits from hier about the same time?) In ’til 1ish. Take K to Van Ness for chiropractic at 2:30. Then walk up to Castro Street blocked off for Matrix #4 (“The Resurrections”) premiere this p.m. Walk by J’s bar. Then take K to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. Also Vincent. I sit next to him before I notice it’s him. We talk for over an hour. Today he is talking about his “girlfriend.” We talk about Paris, London and the book he is writing an essay about, “L’Amant” (“The Lover”). I said, “Are you ready for Christmas?” He said, “I have lots of alcohol stored up, if that’s what you mean.” He says it’s good to have a good cry once a year. I agree. Talk briefly with Douglas on way out. Take K home. It’s 47 degrees in West Portal. Stop at W.F. Check out with Isaiah.

December 18 dream:  Trying to get from some people.

December 18 dream:  Discover six questions for next Wednesday’s quiz written on public board at crosswalk. I’m with my current girlfriend Erika who used to be named Nancy. I see my old girlfriend Nancy. I say, “Nancy, meet Nancy.” Erika gets upset. “It’s Erika.”

December 18 dream:  Guy making sign for upcoming event.

December 18 dream:  Living on beach. Notice neighbors upstair having a fight. I can see man yelling at woman in their window. Think about telling the landlord. Then she comes over. I try to comfort her. She opens a few doors in my kitchen including door to basement. Realize they are there for a reason.

December 17, 2021:  In ’til about 11:30. Just as I’m leaving, have to shit. Come back. Shit. Shower. Catch #29 and #38 to VA. Cute young Japanese teen on #38. Dermatology appointment. Second doctor was really hot and actually talked to me. Asked me about my life. Sounded interested. First doctor called spots on my back “wisdom spots.” I’d never heard that one before. Walk to La Promenade Cafe. Johnish-looking guy in shorts. I want to make some connection so I ask him to watch my cell phone as I take a leak. Walk thru G.G. Park. Runner smiles at me as I check him out. Catch N to Cole Valley. Get Vietnamese sandwich at Luke’s. Same guy as first time a few months ago. Wait for #37 or #43, whichever comes first. #43 was supposed to arrive first but #37 arrived first, so I took it to the Castro. Get stuck at Market ’cause driver didn’t want to let in several teen skateboarders who, he said, had damaged his bus before. Finally most of the boys left, but three get on. As I left bus, I said to them, “I guess you guys are pretty dangerous.” They liked that. Go to 440 Club for cranberry juice. Castro Theatre getting ready for world premise of Matrix #4 tomorrow. Take M to W.P. Young boy with paper crown on his head. I say, “Are you royalty or something?” He says, “No.” I say, “I like your hat.” Go to Peet’s. Pass Vincent on the way. He gives me a dirty look. (*Relates to shits from hier at about the same time, I think.) Think I see Douglas at Peet’s. Go in. It’s Roman. Order drink to go. Rush to catch K. Sit next to same young boy with paper crown, which is the only seat available. Don’t speak to him, though later Tom Blair comes on board and we talk briefly and boy starts talking with one of his school friends. Go to W.F. See Min with nobody in his line.

December 17 dream:  My boss says, “You were such a nice guy when I met you in Westwood. You really should learn to play the piano.” (h.o.)

December 17 dream:  Guy calling in the street: “We need to love the animal. We need to love the shark,” etc.

December 17 dream:  Rooming with Sara Walker, cat finds my shaving cream. Other Prosperos there, including Fennie.

December 17 dream:  Deiter trying to get away from cult. As soon as he walks out, he’s met by cult members on the street trying to get him back. Deiter goes into gay pose and dishes cult guy’s jacket.

December 16, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Sun at library. I waited in his line but he was taking a really long time and other librarian opened up her window. Go to C.B. Ugly baristo there. Also Sudoku briefly. Barista closes bathroom early, as I go to library bathroom. Feel sudden urge to shit, which I do. Only it wouldn’t flush. So I leave “gift” for Sun or whomever comes upon it. Decide to walk home via Monterey instead of G.C.P. Work on book for nearly two hours. Watching subtitle in p.m., the dialogue online was “I’m just fine” and the subtitle, but not the online dialogue, continued, “And so are you.”

December 16 dream:  Trying to learn French and something else in one day. Touching hands with little girl along with her mother. (h.o.)

December 16 dream:  Need to spend my coin on learning my trade.

December 16 dream:  Counting out $50 of donation for an atomic clock which looked like a piece of plastic sheet with a magnet in the middle.

December 16 dream:  Talking with Heather about her feminism not being consistent with writing a new version of the Lord’s Prayer.

December 16 dream:  My arm on back of bus seat. Cute guy leaning against it with his butt. I don’t move my arm away.

December 15, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Same ugly librarian at Ingleside library as before the pandemic began. Eduardo and Ramon at Peet’s in W.P. Vincent came in later. We talk quite a while. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Cute guy looking at soup. I say, “Is their soup good/” He says, “I don’t know.” Work on book in p.m. Insight from my book: “Reason I get off on cute men being humiliated (as I did earlier today when I jerked off) is because I’m re-enacting what my father did to me. He used his power over me to get off. I get off when those with power over me (beautiful men) are humiliated or brought down. That’s probably why I’ve had so much difficulty accepting sexual invitations from beautiful men. I didn’t want that self in me to emerge.”

December 15 dream:  Somebody had picked out some photos they like for my book.

December 15 dream:  Carol Carter wants to take me out of group. I was sleeping on the couch at the time or at least just waking up.

December 15 dream:  Carol Carter says, “I do.”

December 15 dream:  My roommate is having sex. I go to 1st floor. When I take elevator back to “2” the door comes off and it doesn’t work.

December 15 dream:  Something about the I-805. (See diary of December 14 about alarm clock going off at 8:05.)

December 15 dream:  Waiting for somebody to pick me up at noon. It’s a few minutes before. I’m at work at a construction site.

December 14, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. He looked at me twice, once. Bruce there also. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” He says, “Have a wonderful night.” Alarm clock goes off by itself at 8:05 p.m.

December 14 dream:  Hard-on dream.

December 14 dream:  Getting 25, I think, books out, produced by or titled “Flesh.”

December 14 dream:  On an outing with the relatives. At hotel meet character who says he’s a TV star. Looks sort of like Doogie Howser.

December 14 dream:  Stay at same girls’ cabin in the woods. [Illegible.] They just got married finally.

December 13, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. As I walk out, see beautiful, tall black man with tight pants, waiting in front of W.F. I turn around a couple of times to check him out. Then see “shirtless” Asian friend walking by wearing only a muscle T-shirt in the rain. Take K to W.P. Nedim at Peet’s. As I leave, meet Vincent who’s a Harvard Ph.D student. He was reading a book in French. He asked for my email address which I gave him. Go to W.P. station. The K was there but I hung around to talk with hot guy wearing only shorts and T-shirt. As I passed him, I said, “You need an umbrella.” He said, “I have a friend who’s going to pick me up.” Wait for K. Go to W.F. Check out with Min and Gabe. Compliment Gabe on his dance moves which I had seen him display a few moments before. He said, “Everybody’s going to be doing it.” I said, “I doubt that I will.”

December 13 dream:  Me holding a bouquet of flowers.

December 13 dream:  My partner brought food back for the bosses but none for him and I.

December 13 dream:  Someone tells us to say, “Okay.” I do. Others are not so sure.

December 13 dream:  Rachel Maddow takes over as my supervisor while he’s gone. I tell her, “I don’t know whether I’m doing a good job or a bad job. Things are so much up in the air.” She suggests rest.

December 13 dream:  Woman says to me, “Now that your father is dead, you no longer have to love him.”

December 12, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. A little rainy. “Shirtless” guy just as I leave. He smiles as I’ve seen him about this time for several days in a row. Go into “Black” store on Ocean. Ask for anti-Asian hate T-shirt. They don’t have any but woman there and her daughter are very sweet. Then homeless woman in front of Java Hut smiles at me as I’m thinking about something. Guys on K. Persian guy gets out of his seat for me. Cute Asian guy staring at me as I exit on 14th Avenue. Eric and Nedim at Peet’s. Eric and I talk briefly. I bite my tongue while talking to him. Take K home. Stop at W.F. See Doug in bakery. (*See diary of December 3.) I thank him for having pumpkin pies. He says, “Now, it’s not a ‘shame’.” Work on book in p.m. Hear “I’m not afraid anymore” in p.m.

December 12 dream:  A friend wants to give me a haircut so I’ll look like George Washington. (h.o.)

December 12 dream:  Had to arrest and then take down guy who was shooting other suspects with a staple gun.

December 12 dream:  2nd day of calmness(?)

December 12 dream:  Flush paper down urinal. Hope it doesn’t get stuck.

December 12 dream:  Clean some streets in the Mission. Bus driver drives over part I didn’t clean.

December 11, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Lee at liquor store. No Chrons. Go to library. No Sun. then C.B. Sudoku comes in later. Have nice talk with Daniel on my way out. Walk thru G.C.P. Run into Sean on Amethyst, just as he’s driving in. I say, “Sean, isn’t it?” He says, “Yes…Mike?” Go to M.S. Check out with Alex. “Sir Allen” nearby. #43 home.

December 11 dream:  Train full of people. Person says, “There’s one more baseball game, if you want, tonight and the next day. Or you can stay on.”

December 11 dream:  Trying to update everything as “done.”

December 11 dream:  Afraid I’m going to forget my lines in skit we are doing about the Army.

December 11 dream:  Nate, a black guy, and I both make it back to the city from the East Bay. Then I lose him. Then I find where he works. And they’re waiting for him, too. I need to give him receipts for the items I gave him.

December 11 dream:  Run into Tom C. and Hanz at East Bay bus station. Tom not too happy to see me. They go off somewhere. I shrug to Hanz.

December 10, 2021:  Wake up about 8 a.m. Take nap later. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Run into Shrey in front of Ingleside Gallery. He invites me to participate in show in January. To to Peet’s in W.P. Eric there. I give him the Gurdjieff book. He said he’d get it right back to me. I wore the wrong shoes so my feet are sore and I take K home. Go to W.F. Don’t check out with Cole, though we do greet each other after. Theme of the day: Guys who think I’m after them when I’m really not. Work on book in p.m.

December 10 nap dream:  Working with woman (maybe Sarah Flynn) to do a song album of her songs. I think, ‘Maybe I should sing some songs, too.”

December 10 dream:  Am invited over for dinner at woman’s, who’s part of our group. I pick at some food in the kitchen. She says, “Oh, that’s no good.” (h.o.)

December 10 dream:  Airplane wheel about to touch down.

December 10 dream:  On full bus with wedding party. Guy who just got married is out of his mind high or drunk. He did something bad but he didn’t care. The driver is tearing down the road. Beautiful lake and snowy-covered mountains to our right. We arrive at destination. I’m thinking I might be a 4th Way teacher.

December 9, 2021:  in ’til 3ish. Anonymous call as I’m leaving. (*Relates to “shits” from hier at about 3 p.m.?) Walk to W.P. via Yerba Buena Ave. Nedim and Douglas and Bruce at Peet’s. As I leave I see handsome guy who looks a bit like John. As I look at him, I catch Douglas’s eye. We talk briefly. He’s a studying computer science at Skyline College. Hopes to transfer to UC Irvine or UC Santa Cruz. I say, “Santa Cruz sounds nice.” Take K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. He wants to work for “Vice” or some such journalistic outfit. He says, “It feels like I see you everyday.” I say, “I make a point of getting in you line.” Work on book in p.m. Fire alarm in p.m.

December 9 dream:  Guy at station telling us which areas are our responsibilities. (h.o.)

December 9 dream:  Woman complains about S.F. parking. I say, “They’re publishing a video of all our government building if you want to check it.” She doesn’t. Van with “Mayor Newsome” board game on it.

December 8, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Shits as I’m about to leave. Walk to W.P. Eduardo there. Eric never shows up. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F Check out with Isaiah. Hot, tall guy with nice pecs looking at his cellphone in the elevator. Also very nice smell. I want to tear off his clothes and pounce.

December 8 dream:  Me and another guy set off to work. Woman shows up intermittently to host the morning show. (h.o.)

December 8 dream:  Royal young prince is popular with the press. He almost leaves his mother, the queen, behind.

December 8 dream:  While I was out, my roommates put in new carpet foundation. I said, That’s good. Then you can put in a new carpet and trim the ledge with paint.”

December 8 dream:  Moving back into my apartment. Tall, hot guy in leather pants who was somebody’s lover.

December 7, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Follow my shirtless Asian friend up Ocean Avenue all the way to Mission Street. Then cute guy getting out of car nearly walks into me. Then strange guy sitting in car waving at me with his fingers. Then Asian guy followed by several woman acknowledges me as he enters bank. Excelsior library guard disappointed I wasn’t picking up any books. Walk to G.P. Go to library. See Sun in background. Then sit near Sudoku at C.B. Later he sits at table across from me and smiles and stares at me. Walk up Monterrey to Safeway. The just miss #43 home. Walk home instead. Take some great photos of Xmas lights on Gennessee. Work on book in p.m.

December 7 dream:  Move to sort of commune. Each couple with their own area and there’s a common area, too.

December 7 dream:  Female comedian (Melissa McCarthy) inhaling food and then spitting it out. Me trying to find two books.

December 6, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Nedim there. Sit next to two ugly young women. They leave. Guy in hoodie sits down. Later find out it’s Eric. We talk for quite a while. They had to kick us out. (*See last dream of December 4.) As I leave, I drop my pen. Then I drop my empty paper cup. Hope to see him again on Wednesday. He’s 21. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. He’s studying journalism at SFSU. Work on book in p.m.

December 6 dream:  At my first gig as a policeman. Woman there points out particular areas of my body which need exercise.

December 6 dream:  Guy recommending I don’t have to count out so long.

December 6 dream:  Helped two people rob a bank at gunpoint. Wonder if I should just confess. Still need $1.50 in postage to send a package.

December 6 dream:  Finishing up long list. Woman who had interfered before says, “Be sure to include all men and God. The men should be contemplated in, let’s say, a woman’s body.” I say, “We’ve got plenty of those.”

December 5, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas, Eric and Nedim at Peet’s. When I came in, Douglas was the cashier. I said to him, “Are you taking orders now?” That amused Nedim. When I leave, Eric is quite aggressive in insisting that we get together soon and talk about the book I recommended to him (Colin Wilson’s book about Gurdjieff). Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Turn around to look at pushy people in line behind me. Beautiful long-haired blond guy is smiling at me. I change my attitude real quick. Work on book in p.m.

December 5 dream:  See another cute guy as I’m exiting the building.

December 5 dream:  Go down to Bogota, Columbia, to live at a movie Laurie saw. Get to real estate office at 540 street address. 541 was listed on the sidewalk. Office is also grocery store. They are moving in with cheap blond colored office furniture. I had met the office manager before. [When I look at my digital clock, it is 5:40.]

December 5 dream:  Guy in muscle T-shirt. Other guys ask him to flex. He does, but hesitantly. Apparently, somebody won something.

December 5 dream:  Clearing off Barry Bram’s (played by Ben Gazzara) long wooden bridge. We came to big gap.

December 5 dream:  Motor oil spills on my shiny blue coat as my friend tries to plan her trip.

December 4, 2021:  Did not attend World Work Translation Group in a.m. No blowback yet. (*See 2nd dream of December 3.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Daniel there. As I’m leaving, run into Walter L. We talk about 15 minutes. Then go to G.P. library. My librarian is Sun, the guy who recommended a DVD series to me (“Wonderfalls”). (*See diaries of November 2 and November 30.) Walk thru G.C.P to M.S. Nobody exciting there. Get pissed that they don’t have “Soy Dream” milk anymore. Start to Translate. Run into Tommy (*See diary of April 25, 2021) who says “hi” to me. Run into two girls who are all over each other as we wait for #48. One girl cheers and then I cheer when it finally arrives. Go to W.P. Take K to W.F. Follow cute guy with Afro. He’s about to walk away after looking at cut fruit. I say, “Is it fresh?” He replies, “Yes.” He has a beautiful face. Glad I talked to him. Pakistani guy with new bike on elevator home.

December 4 dream:  Short black guy breaks into my apartment. I kick him out. Then he breaks in again. I call 411. A recording says, “If you have experienced a crime, tell us so.”

December 4 dream:  Hard-on dream.

December 4 dream:  My lunch date doesn’t show up. Later I realize I’m Prince Michael. Kim also there.

December 4 dream:  On my way to work, see four hefty guys in black swim trunks swimming in the bay. I feel the water. It is warm. I swim myself. Then try to gather up my things (mostly wet) together for work.

December 3, 2021:  Back hurting a bit more today. (*Relates to my feelings about Douglas or my feelings about Heather?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Hear school girl say, “I don’t feel safe” at Aptos School. In W.P., I’m thinking to myself that whenever I’m forced to choose between having sex with someone or loving them, I’ve always chosen loving them. As I think this, big motorcycle cop waves and smiles and nods at me in agreement, as he turn right off West Portal onto Vicente. Douglas not at Peet’s. Eric and Eduardo are. I walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Really, nice, cute Asian-ish guy tells me why they don’t have any pumpkin pies at W.F.

December 3 dream:  Closing up from big fair or Prosperos reunion. Somebody had one last thing they wanted to read to us. Others had already left.

December 3 dream:  Fire in fireplace seems to be getting bigger and hotter. Guy tells me not to worry. Then instantly it is completely gone. (*Relates to me not attending World Work Translation Group on December 4?)

December 3 dream:  Walk thru desert area. See snake with kind of shell bracelets all over her body.

December 3 dream:  A stalled project is underway again. Guy washing down the street.

December 2, 2021:  Feel a lot better this a.m. 150 clicks on BB on December 1. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. in my new shoes. Douglas at Peet’s. He’s barely polite to me. Eduardo and Bruce there, too. Walk part way home. See same high school kid from November 30 on the M. Then take K. My new shoes are a little tight around the ankles. Cute little Asian girl pushing cart with her proud father at W.F. Work on book in p.m. Watching Murdoch Mysteries in p.m., inspector refers to gay men as “left-footers.”

December 2 dream:  Return three books to female librarian who is hot for me. She is seated as I return the books and she touches my toes with hers when I do. One of the books is by Colin Wilson. The other is a knock-off. (h.o.) (*Relates to jerking off on December 3?)

December 2 dream:  Cars driving on wrong side of the street. Guy says he heard there was an accident. Guys taking shards of glass out of their legs. (*Relates to me and Douglas?))

December 1, 2021:  Bills and monthly BB. Repost “The Prosperos Takes the Road Most Travelled” post as I had decided on November 27. Get new shoes in mail. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Eduardo and Eric at Peet’s W.P. Have nice chats with both. Walk back via Yerba Buena Avenue. Bend over to pick up envelope and my back goes out. (*I think this is a physical reaction to my reposting the “Mr. Fennie is a bully” post.) Insight: Near accident just before getting home from October 23 family reunion relates to sexual opportunity with Douglas on November 26?

December 1 dream:  We four kids – Love, Mike, Laurie and Tom — have to get up a bit early. We’re moving today.

December 1 dream:  Getting out of bathtub which has never gotten very dirty. Lots of people in passageway. Hear the roar of a crowd. Realize it’s the president. I say, “Trump!” Cute young guy smiles at me.

November 30, 2021:  Look at digital clock. It says 9:59 AM. Later I look at it and it says 9:52 AM. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to library. Clerk from November 2 there. (*I realized later that he probably related to the hawk in G.G. Park from hier.) Walk thru G.C.P. Then #48 to W.P. Eduardo, Douglas and Sergio at Peet’s. Douglas is very loving again. He brings me my drink and my banana bread. I wonder if I screwed up by not coming on to him when I had the opportunity a few days ago. (*Relates to first dream of November 29?) Take M to Balboa Park. H.S. kid on board. Then another beautiful young guy on #43. Then run into Peter at W.F. and check out with Cole. “May 1” mentioned on Jack Benny Show.

November 30 dream:  I seem to be close to co-signing a check for $20,000. Guy’s credit seems pretty shaky.

November 30 dream:  Go to lecture by 95-year-old man who was supposed to have done something bad in his past. The lecture was supposed to have been sold out, but as Marilyn D. and I walk in hand-in-hand, most of the seats are empty. An English relative of the man castigates the audience for not showing up.

November 29, 2021:  VA appointment at 10 a.m. Hot for Dr. Mah in his medical scrubs. He tells me I have an “intractable nucleic callus” on my left sole. He says this problem will not go away. I say, in my head, “That’s what you think.” Insight: Callus on my left sole relates to my intractable callousness re my mother’s death or maybe just my callousness in general? Walk to La Promenade Cafe. Then thru G.G. Park thru S.F. Botanical Garden. See big fish in pond with other guy. Then woman in wedding gown as I exit. I take photo. Then homeless guy who says, “That looks like a weapon.” I say, “What does?” He says, “What you have in your bag.” I show him and say, “It’s an umbrella.” Go to Cole Valley. Wait in line to get sandwich. Eduardo from Peet’s W.P. passes by, He says, “See you tomorrow.” Then 37 to Castro. Go to J’s bar for cranberry juice. Then K home. Good-looking guy in W.F.

November 29 dream:  Guy runs from his into somebody else’s place. Then they both hit a bear ’til it limps off. Then real owner of the property shows up. Guy runs from him, too, in slow motion sort of way.

November 29 dream:  Visit woman I call “Hon” at her home. She’s building fence in front of her house and I’m wondering if that will interfere my daily delivery to her. Her husband is hot.

November 28, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Wave to Jun in his salon. Go to C.B. Owners there. Beautiful man in black cycling outfit enters just as I leave. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Check out with Marcus, guy from Ohio with $1,500 worth of tattoos on his body. #43 home. Shits about 11 p.m.-ish.

November 27, 2021:  World Work Translation Group in a.m. Heather brings up my BB post of November 23 in which I called Mr. Fennie a bully. (*Relates to 2nd dream of November 26?) Later I decide to post it again on the monthly BB on December 1. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Lee has no Chrons. Go to G.P. library. Then C.B. Owners there. Author from Peet’s W.P. there. Leave early. Go to hardware store to buy alarm clock. They don’t have any. Then catch #35 which is just taking off for the Castro. Walk by J’s bar to Cliff’s. Buy alarm clock. Walk by J’s bar again to Muni underground. Take M to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Douglas there. He’s polite. When he gives me my drink, our fingers touch. On the way out, I say, “Goodnight, Douglas.” He says, “Goodnight, Mike.” Walk to W.F. Check out with Cole, who went to Folsom for Thanksgiving. Shits on getting home. Work on book in p.m.

November 26, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. relates to hawk and two crows from hier? In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. He rushes to finish my drink order before I’d finished ordering. Then he brought my warmed scone to my table. I was overwhelmed by how beautiful he looked and acted. It took me quite a while to recover. As I left, I opened myself to whatever mood he was in. He wasn’t looking at me so I think he was expecting me to come on to him. Walked home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Translate “Economic well-being is at war with environmental well-being.” Conclusion: “The economy of Truth functions seamlessly in the infinite dwelling place/environment of Consciousness.”

November 26 dream:  In building I’d been in before. Guy chasing woman in elevator. She gives him something in his mouth. He pulls out a strand of floss.

November 26 dream:  Legal secretaries revolt. I stand with them. At one point I am on top of a tall card catalog stand in the library and I don’t know how I’ll get down. Then I’m on the marble floor telling Perry Dickey the news. I say, “We decided, mostly women…” He says, “You’re good.” I say, “…to go with the original strike points and fight for them.” (*Relates to Heather’s comments on November 27?)

November 26 dream:  Working for the Russians under duress. I’ll only be there a few more days.

November 25, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Take K to the Castro. Ricardo & Ken’s for Thanksgiving from about 4 p.m. to 8. Hawk being chased by two crows immediately before. K home.

November 25 dream:  Out in the desert at a campus looking for a place to pee. Several tornadoes pass by. Was trying to get back to acting group or maybe yoga group of friends I had been invited to join.

November 25 dream:  European underwear made of yellow holey plastic on which you press on the pockets, as desired.

November 25 dream:  Thane is short, thin but with big shoulders. I help him go to program printer. We went to make sure some info is included about Tom C’s memorial.

November 24, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Translate “lesion” which leads to “injure” which leads to “not right” which leads to “not true” which leads to “not real.” My spirit improves. As I leave Peet’s, I say to Ramon, “Where’s Douglas?” He says, “I think she comes in on Friday afternoon.” Take K home. Go to W.P Very hot guy there I made way for. He starts chatting up some girl. Checkout with Min. Maureen M. calls in p.m.

November 24 dream:  Transferring 59 names from one place to another for children. Revision of something. h.o.)

November 24 dream:  Guy transferring his files from one place to another, for children’s version of something.

November 24 dream:  Carol Carter returns to wok on the day after payday.

November 24 dream:  Two cute shirtless guys working on my house come in thru my bedroom window. Jack Benny also there in a suit with cat hairs on it or they may have been part of the suit.

November 23, 2021:  Post “The Prosperos takes the road most travelled” on BB. Worked on BB, OSF and ZontaPhotos.com. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Beautiful man on Ocean Avenue smiles as I cruise him. Douglas at Peet’s. Beautiful man running on Yerba Buena Avenue who smiles at me even before I see him. Work on book in p.m.

November 23 dream:  Go to Mary L.’s house. She”s very happy to see me. Later, eating and relaxing and I’m told it’s time to move again. Mary wants me to bring her a device which will predict the future. (h.o.)

November 23 dream:  Trying to get rid of some computer files I had forgotten I had.

November 22, 2021:  Wake up at 7ish. Later take nap in’ til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Follow cute guy with pony tail into bookstore. Lady says, “Are you looking for anything?” I say, “Xmas cards.” I look at a few. Then follow guy for enough time for him to realize I didn’t come into the store for Xmas cards. I came in ’cause of him. Go to Peet’s. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Check out with Min at W.F. Work on book in p.m.

November 22 dream: Driving back from place we all met at, I get lost. Run into handsome, dark-haired man who I had met before. I tell him I’m lost. He says he’ll help me get back. I promise to share some chocolate with him. I think, “Boy, I wish I was as handsome as him.” Then I think, “Never mind. He’s my friend. And that’s enough.”

November 22 dream:  Buy a bunch of new clothes for my new apartment I am sharing with roommate I haven’t met yet.

November 22 dream:  Make out with flat-chested woman owner of motel. Then some people come by.

November 21, 2021:  Get up early – around 9 a.m. Can’t get back to sleep. So I join Trustee’s meeting online. Bill Fennie goes on a “shit”-filled tirade. Later he is elected Acting Dean. I post this news on the BB followed by the comment: “We’re f***ed.” Michael Kelly asks me to explain myself. I resist, but finally add: “I think Mr. Fennie is a bully and that’s not going to attract new students or new ideas to The Prosperos.”

November 21 dream:  Start dancing with my male cousin. Thane says, “Who are you?”

November 21 dream:  Washing up another relative, a woman.

November 21 dream:  Move temporarily to apartment on Sutter. They are cleaning it out of all cockroaches. We need to take everything out. They are talking to my older female roommate who is still in bed. J. tells me he lived there temporarily one time, too. I wonder when he and I will move in together.

November 21 nap dream:  I touch Thane’s hand and say, “I’m not trying to butter you up or anything, but that’s why your teachings are so good. There’s very understandable.”

November 20, 2021:  In ’til 2:30. Haircut at 3 p.m. Jun his usual funny/aggressive self. Walk to G.P. Lee just got a haircut just like me. Then G.P. library. Then C.B. Daniel there. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Meet Packer’s fan. In p.m., during a moment of intensely trying to remember something, my bedspread kind of just pops up.

November 20 dream:  At party with relatives. Look for place to pee. The two options were being used. One was filled with laundry.

November 20 dream:  Two drunk guys wanted me to take over for them while they slept off their drunk.

November 20 dream:  Trying to set up video screen in motel. I’m with two travelers.

November 20 dream:  Cathy Buckles says, “When you get to India…”

November 19, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Very quiet. See Douglas after I’d been there a while. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out near “Sir Allen” but not with him. #43 home. Work on book.

November 19 dream:  The person with whom I’ve spent almost half of my life…

November 19 dream:  At gay sex class. Calvin is there and others. Guy says to me that If I bring in cute new guy that I can get in, too. I think I agree.

November 19 dream:  Get a ride from L.A. in a luxury car called a Drake. The driver looks a lot like Stella Rush.

November 18, 2021:  Dental appointment at 2 p.m. Walk home via Castro. Then up Market to Portola. #48 to W.P. Douglas, Eduardo, Bruce and gay guy at Peet’s. K to W.F. Check out with Killian.

November 18 dream:  Mary from Ingleside library visits me while i’m in cafeteria. (Lucid dream.)

November 18 dream:  Get in argument with my boss at party. He thinks it’s ok to disrespect people’s wishes. I disagree.

November 18 dream:  Go thru several male partner interviews. They are all taken away.

November 18 dream:  Go to work at new job in Berkeley. Mostly black women there. Go to lunch with two people. Nobody speaks to me.

November 17, 2021:  Wake up an hour late for my 9 a.m. VA phone appointment. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Peet’s W.P. Then down W.P. to eye doctor to pick up my new glasses. Stop by C.S. reading room. Say hi to Oladipupo (Ladi). Then walk home. Killian at W.F. Work on book in p.m.

November 17 dream:  Brakes don’t work too well on my replacement car.

November 16, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Cute Pakistani clerk at 7-11 wearing “I don’t skate” T-shirt. Then Nedim, Douglas and Mimi at Peet’s W.P. Douglas brings me my banana bread and my drink. Cute young guy at Ezzy-Freezy whom I admired. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole who has thick chain around his neck. Eat chocolate chip cookie in p.m. Get pelvic pain. Tell myself, “You have a right to be happy. You don’t have to get your father’s permission to be happy.” Just like I thought I needed his permission to visit Paris. Not to mention all the sexual opportunities which I declined ’cause I didn’t think I had my father’s permission. Not to mention my happiness after my first kiss with Kathy Warfield back in 1965 or so. Watch five videos about trauma and dissociation. Later watch episode of “The Ghost Whisperer” in which character says, “Everybody’s happy in Florida.” Which, I think, relates to the final two football games in Washington D.C. and Miami, Florida from my Rosa Parks dream. My father being the powerful but probably corrupt Washington, D.C. football game and me being happy and separate from him in my Miami, Florida football game.

November 16 dream:  Visit girl I really like. There’s two or three of us, including me, trying to scrape together enough green food for a meal. I think, “I’d just like to make out with her.”

November 16 dream:  Starting two new classes. Really like them both. Need to get my time-card signed. Rush thru beautiful campus.

November 15, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Listen to wonderful Peter Coyote video. Mimi quite nice to me. Up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen” (He found his name tag.) #48 to K home. Cute short guy gets on and sits near me. There’s something about him that makes me decide to stay on K ’til he gets off. Finally as he gets off, other guy walks in front of him, who I check out instead of him. He jumps the turnstiles at Balboa Station. Walk to W.F. with three bags of groceries. Check out with Min. Isaiah was there as well but left by the time I got to checkout. Meet sweet Chinese guy with Chinese food on elevator to 3rd floor. I say, “Goodnight.” Later, as he enters his apartment, he says “Goodnight” to me.

November 15 dream:  Finish hide and seek game. Save X’mas tree for next time. (h.o.)

November 15 dream:  Go to reunion of sorts. Couple of black guys looking thru photos of them. Guy asking me if I’m going to be around.

November 15 dream:  Guy we all like smuggles himself onboard. Sits in center of back seat of bus. At the end of the journey he gives hisself up. But everyone likes him so much that he is forgiven. I’m a little jealous of him. Maureen M. also there. Other guy asks her to stay on.

November 14, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ilsh. Walk to W.P. Building on stilts on San Benito is not going to be lowered. They’re adding a new first floor. John lookalike at outdoor parklet in front of W.P. bar, on his cellphone. I tried to stare him down but he only smiled internally and never looked directly at me. Perhaps he was a tulpa. Go to Peet’s. Douglas and Eric there. Walk home via same outdoor parklet. Nobody there. Stop in W.F. to see if Isaiah is there. He isn’t, but Min is. Work on book and clean bathroom in p.m.

November 14 dream:  Photography teacher asks us to submit photos that have a theme or a story. (h.o.)

November 14 dream:  Order banana bread and radish drink, my usual.

November 14 dream:  Two young radical guys getting ready to leave our office. They would become famous in years to come.

November 14 dream:  “44”

November 14 dream:  Blond guy I knew and liked threatened us with a gun. He wanted $20 or $40. He went in to Greenwich Village building. And another guy with a gun was watching our car. Plainclothes policeman came by and wrestled him to the ground. Then went into building to search for blond guy. We told him he’s going to be performing tonight on the 16th floor.

November 13, 2021:  Tough nite last nite. Spent most of it on cot in my bathroom World Work Translation group at 9:45 a.m. Three of us attended. Then Self Observation group at 11 a.m. Five of us. Nap at 2:30. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas and Eric at Peet’s. Also guy with CSU T-shirt. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Hot guy with his girlfriend who be clung to after I smiled at him. Check out with Isaiah at W.F. Liked his plaid red shirt but didn’t comment on it for fear he would think I was coming on to him. Later see Min at another checkout station. Insight: “3 weeks” from April 6 relates to my request for public records on my father? Also: Oberhaus vs. Ludo.

November 13 dream:  Match the places I’ve worked with the places I’ve lived over the past few years to see if one had any effect on the other. (h.o.)

November 12,  2021:  Wake up with painful charley horse in my left leg. (*See last dream of November 11.) Take nap around 2 p.m. Leave about 4 p.m. Have shits just before leaving. Walk to W.P. Run into Shrey on Ocean. Go to Peet’s. Guy takes seat I was hoping to take. I look at him. He stares back as if in a sparing match. Later a woman joins him. I go to restroom. Then decide to change seats or leave. I go to front tables. Can’t find my pen. Go back to my original table. Then back to the front. Find pen on the floor. I bend over to pick up pen and simultaneously let guy know what I think of him. Walk up Ulloa. Think maybe exchange at Peet’s relates to my relationship with my father. And possibly the final football game in my Rosa Parks dream. Washington, D.C. representing the role of manly success as represented by this man at Peet’s (and by my father) and Miami representing play and fun and freedom from the manly success model as represented by this man (and my father). As I’m thinking this, guy on Ulloa smiles at me. #43 home.

November 12 dream:  Making big pot of stew. Ask someone to watch it for a while.

November 11, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 2:15 p.m. Walk out of apartment building. Guy with two big dogs says, “I like your pants.” (I was wearing my read Adidas pants.) He said it again. I said, “I like your dogs.” Go to eye appointment. Then Peet’s. Douglas there, but I barely notice him. Bruce there also. Stopped by to see Ladi at C.S. Reading Rom. His father is a C.S. Practitioner in Nigeria. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Meet beautiful homeless man named Christian. He and his wife and two dogs are on their way to Tucson. His name is Christian. I give him $10. #43 to W.F. Beautiful man passing. Checkout with Aisha. Insight: Realize Dallas is the first game from my Rosa Parks dream. Relates to my mother, who, like Kennedy was my “president” who got shot. My reaction was, to my mind at the time, both inhumane and inhuman, So I thought it was up to my father to make me feel humane and human. But that didn’t work out either. He took advantage of my vulnerability and ultimately admitted it. (*See 2nd dream of November 9.)

November 11 dream:  Play game with my new boyfriend where we end up hugging and feeling on each other. Have to rush to work. (h.o.)

November 11 dream:  Just got notice of apartment down the street in S.F. Friend thinks I may be being fooled by military.

November 11 dream:  Living in place and working at place with cockroaches and other insects. Look forward to moving.

November 11 dream:  Landslide in back of Saratoga house. House is lowered several feet. No one injured that I know of. Nancy and I and someone else go to backyard “beach house.” Black guy holds Nancy up so she can reach something. He apologizes for having to touch her. I fantasize about living there again, but don’t like the idea. Once was enough.

November 11 dream: Go to work. Calvin and others try to ignore me. I push back. Wake up with huge left leg cramp.

November 10, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Realize my 2nd dream of last nite relates to my decision to research public records of my father. My father was pissed off about that and almost kicked me out of my bed. But by telling me that it’s too late, he also inadvertently admitted that, though it’s too late (he died 25 years ago), there was something that happened that I’m too late to do anything about. Later fantasized about tearing John’s clothes off and fucking him. At C.B. get anonymous call from somebody who doesn’t say anything. I assume it’s John. I, too, say nothing for a while. Then I say, “I guess this is what they call phone sex.” Go to G.C.P. Run into Janet, the Coyote Lady. She says she saw a coyote earlier. Then run into Sean, my motorcycle friend on Amethyst Way. (*See diary of September 11.) He made a point of telling me he’s interested in hot women. We talked a bit about motorcycles, S.F., Japan. #48 to W.P. Pass Ladi still at C.S. Reading Room after 6 p.m. (*See diary of September 17.) K home. Stop by W.F. Bakery guy says hi to me. I didn’t know who he was at first. Check out with Killian. Very nice guy whose former boss moved to Santa Cruz.

November 10 dream:  Prepare fried eggs for Laurie? They slip off plate so have to start again.

November 10 dream:  Librarian’s wife was spied on in library. And they took things from her. Guy wanted to teach us how to crop poems.

November 10 dream:  Friend of mine starting his own online news program. He’ll supply his own news. Calvin stands in front of other guy starting his own business with the guy’s body half-painted in yellow paint.

November 10 dream:  Drive over to Oakland. Think of moving there. Black guy on street gives me seductive smile.

November 9, 2021:  Work on book. Reach end. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. Have two matcha lattes and two pieces of banana bread. San Benito house still on stilts. #43 home. Sit next to karate kid with glasses. (*See diary of October 26.) His mother gave up her seat for me. Go to W.F. Check out with Min. Happy, cute black and white young gay couple come bouncing in. Insight: Realize foot pain may be related to my own foundational change like the house on stilts is undergoing an analogous foundational change. Decide in p.m. to research my father’s public records to see if I can find anything incriminating.

November 9 dream:  Expand the trail of the ghost circling us so he could have a bigger circle.

November 9 dream:  Didn’t leave apartment soon enough. Somebody is kicking me out. My father? (*Relates to me looking in public records for info about my father.)

November 9 dream:  AOC wanting me to clean my room.

November 9 dream:  Heather wanting me to help start her long-haul semi. Her dachshunds are with her.

November 8, 2021:  Worked on book. Ricardo and Ken invite me to Thanksgiving. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Cute h.s. runners on Ocean, especially one who smiles at me. Very cute, apparently available youngish man on W.P. Go to Peet’s. Then walk and #23 up Monterey to Safeway. Then #43 home. Still thinking about youngish man on W.P. Blvd. Finally Thane, Liz Anderson, Billye Talmadge and others, including my mother, tell me what I should have done and how I should feel. I tell them all, including my mother, to shut up. “Don’t tell me how I should behave or how I should feel. Let me figure that out for myself.” (*Relates to second simultaneous football game in Washington, D.C. and Miami, Fl. Washington standing for authority and Miami standing for fun, I think. I think dealing with my father was the first game in Dallas from my Rosa Parks dream.)

November 8 dream:  Someone was going to buy a new bedspread for me. Someone else threatened my new room with ants.

November 8 dream:  Flying plane out of S.F. Get to South S.F. Then we’re on ground and outside. Guy with gun threatens me. I grab it away. And shoot it in the air to make sure it’s empty. Then he cries and asks for help. Later he’s dressed very nicely and acts like he’s a member of our household. Another member is being chased by somebody. I look into it. They rough him up. I hide but I can see them. They’re a couple of guys and an older woman.

November 8 dream:  Guys showing off their new outfits which were wrap around capes from the shoulders to the waist and pantaloons from the upper leg to the ankles, leaving the genitals and asses bare.

November 8 dream:  Getting off work. One of our peers is named Acting President. Guy talks about his home-made shirt. I thought of telling him about the capes from my last dream.

November 7, 2021:  Work on book and ZontaPhotos site. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Woman talks about seeing coyote. House on stilts is still on stilts, still getting a new foundation. Douglas at Peet’s. Also meet Eric, new baristo. We talk quite a it. He’s 21. Studying to be a nurse. Seemed interested in book I was reading: Cured. We shake hands on meeting. Walk up W.P. Boulevard. See K just outside W.P. station. Remember guy from hier asking, “Does this go to the Castro?” Decided that it was a message for me to to go the Castro. As I entered W.P. station, there was a “Special Car” waiting. As soon as I entered car, the door closed. Went to Castro. Went to 440 Club, J’s club. Bought cranberry juice. Was going to take a leak, but big fat black guy was kind of hogging the room. As I left, felt hopping happy. Take M home. Think maybe the fat guy was hiding John. That made me very sad. Then furious. (*Relates to feeling furious in my 1st dream of last night, I think. Also, to hawk and crows from hier?) Walk home from W.P.

November 7 dream:  Signing out at work. (h.o.)

November 7 dream:  Girl with blond hair told everybody she had green hair. She’s trying to figure out how she got here. I suggest Michael J. Fox. She says, “Too late.” We just met.

November 7 dream:  Arrive at home at 10:17. Just two months right before I’m supposed to perform.

November 7 dream:  Reunion with Jeff and Billy. Benson & Hedges cigarette is making people high. Jeff and Billy are mad at each other. We are all at Chinese resto in S.F.

November 6, 2021:  Self Observation group at 11 a.m. Five of us attended. I shared by “blind spot” that I think I’m better than everybody. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Nothing for me. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Go to Glen Park library. Nothing for me there either. Decide to change my default library to Glen Park online when I get home. Hawk and crows again on exiting G.C.P.  #48 to W.P. Rush to catch K. Woman has wagon full of kids in the middle of the sidewalk. Beautiful blond boy smiles at me with his eyes as I stare at him in anger. Get K home. Guy asks driver, “Does this go to the Castro?” Go to W.F. Talk briefly with good-looking young Japanese guy waiting for his girlfriend in the women’s room. He looks at me as if he’s hiding something. In p.m. give up on trying to “heal” my pain. So I say, “Okay, God, you handle this.” Then smelled a strong smell of shit (which may relate to rapper I accidentally encountered on my cellphone as I was turning it off for the night.)

November 6 dream:  Typing document. Someone takes it when I’m not looking. I’m furious. It starts out 51-1, 51-2, 51-3. HughJohn is not helping. I go to someone else.

November 6 dream:  Bathroom that was mess is almost clean. I go to find some people. Run into black guy who works with me. (h.o.) (*I think this relates to me working on my book.)

November 5, 2021:  Work on book. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s. (*See diary of October 14.) Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with Quincy, a black guy. Was going to ask him if he’s named after Quincy Jones. But my debit card wouldn’t work. Thought it was a sign that I shouldn’t. Then got mad at God, “You can tell me how to treat Quincy but you can’t help me with my body pains.” Later came up with this sense testimony: I am helpless against my own negative imagination. It’s like I have a psychological autoimmune disease which may be related to some of my physical autoimmune diseases like my body pains, etc. #43 home. I sit across from cute young brown guy on very crowded bus. He brushes his hand through his hair. I kind of show off for him as I exit the bus.

November 5 dream:  Getting off work at a place I’d been working in many dreams.

November 5 dream:  Baby is being christened. I show somebody how it happens. The baby is wrapped in cloth. When it is ready it starts to push the cloth away. The mother helps it and the baby emerges. The mother sees me do this. And so does the baby, whose eyes expand and contract.

November 5 dream:  Give $1 to young boy’s Chuck-E-Cheese campaign.

November 4, 2021:  Watch video about gay guy involved with Sesame Street and the ’70s N.Y. gay scene. Made me sad. Get anonymous call, I think, from John. Work on book. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Woman there thinks I’m hot. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. W.F. Hear “May 1st” on Sanford & Sons.

November 4 dream:  Election taking place. Captain Berthaud-type (from Spiral TV show). Surprise announcement.

November 4 dream:  Ben G. is crawling behind me as we crawl over lots of cute puppies and their meals in shopping mall. We’re headed for the West Coast. Jon Stewart is speaking. $8,000 to go to the East Coast.

November 3, 2021:  Get up early without intending to. Work on book. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Read from Cured. Hot, tall, Asian guy comes in. I want to connect with him. So I go to bathroom, just to get up. He looks like he is about to leave. I stay ’til he does. And I watch him walk out. Get call from John, I think. (*Relates to hawk and crows from hier?) Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Stop at McD’s. Hispanic counter lady asks me, “How are you doing?” It shocks me. I say, “Fine.” See image of person in elevator on going home.

November 2, 2021:  Work on online diary, being 4 days behind. Forgot that I put my phone on speaker and put it up to me ear. (*Relates to almost crashing on October 23, returning my rental car?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Go to C.B. Then Glen Park library. Check out coming of age/coming out video. Clerk then recommends another video to me. I think we made a love connection. I think I’ll change libraries from Excelsior to Glen Park. Walk thru G.C.P. On exiting, see hawk, then dozens and dozens and dozens of crows flocking around. Go to CVS. #43 home. One guy laying on the sidewalk on his back. Bus driver indicates to me that he is sleeping. Other guy getting up from sidewalk being helped by passer-by.

November 2 dream:  Trying to help retrieve blind man’s book stand which is under a sidewalk cellar hatchway door.

November 2 dream:  Woman brings reptiles and lays them out on the ground. There are so many that there’s no room to walk or sit.

November 1, 2021:  Do bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. House I saw yesterday on stilts is now back on its new foundation. Go to Peet’s. Patron takes somebody’s personal papers which had been left behind on seat next to him. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with Ryan. He’s wearing black jacket with American flags on the sleeves. I tell him he looks like a policeman. He says, “Yeah, somebody else told me that earlier.” Get him to smile. “Sir Allen” nearby witnessing us. In p.m., I RHS God for my physical pains. Later think it might be John that is causing them. Get excited about that idea. Have trouble getting to sleep that night.

November 1 dream:  Ride thru town with others. Forgot my mask and my wallet. Barbara Baroe-like woman and Calvin there. Barbara wants me to stay outside all night with her. Go to line up somewhere. Use scarf as mask.

October 31, 2021:  Sarah calls. Work on book. Call John at number I discovered online. Leave message. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. See house on stilts. Man says they are creating a new foundation. Realize my “blind spot” (from Red Hawk’s Self Observation book) is that I think I’m better than everybody else. Lots of kids out “trick or treating” the stores at W.P. Douglas at W.P. Leave early. Take K to Castro. Not much going on yet but lots of police ready for action. Talk to bookstore owner. Take K home. Go to W.F. Talk to bakery guy. Check out with Min.

October 31 dream:  Having a Translation workshop without a leader. Lots of new students.

October 31 dream:  Drive fast up 45 degree bridge. Car flies off the road. Arrive at meeting. We are now a COF! Whatever that is.

October 31 dream:  Pass by Thane in the hallway. He’s wearing a blue sport coat. I think, “He looks just like a regular person.”

October 30, 2021:  Tough nite last nite. Slept part of it on cot in bathroom. World Work Translation Group at 9:45 a.m. Self Observation group at 11 a.m. Nap. In ’til 4:30 p.m. Walk to W.P. Ramon, Douglass and Eduardo at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa. #43 never shows up. Walk home. W.F. Get feeling to wait. I think maybe I’m waiting for young woman approaching me. Turns out I’m waiting for little girl who looks at me intently.

October 30 dream:  Something about lots of “do’s.”

October 30 dream:  A cute guy in line in prison in front of me asks me for a light. I say I don’t smoke. He says a lot of guys carry lights anyhow. For him I will.

October 30 dream:  Roseanne Barr has trouble with her pregnancy. When she calls, a man answer the phone. So she sets the building on fire. I say, “Well, I can understand that.” I go into work late at newspaper. It seems okay, though. Run in to Bernie Sanders in the hallway.

October 30 dream:  Something about John F.

October 29, 2021:  Worked on book. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Cute little Japanese boy looks at me. Insight 1: Realize I have an inappropriate emotion of fear from my noisy neighbors above me. The underlying emotion is anger. Insight 2: Realize my dream of years ago of Thane holding up his arms to tell me to stop may have related to my internet going out on October 24 so I could not attend The Prosperos trustee’s meeting.

October 29 dream:  Hear people outside my apartment. Someone says there’s going to be a fly-over for the people killed. Other woman there to fix my mechanical spider.

October 29 dream:  Guy we’re meeting with at a café wants to meet at another café in Paris.

October 29 dream:  Biden tells me my father appointed him to do something during the war. Later, guy says to me, “Now that you’re the androgynous son of the president, why don’t you go to café?” I say, “I’ve never thought of myself as the son of a president.”

October 29 dream:  Have to make sudden escape from the building. Someone has just come to text. Alarm is ringing.

October 28, 2021:  Work on book in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Cute guy comes in. Looks sort of like Tony from hier so I go up to check him out. Other guy starts talking to him. I sit down. It’s not Tony. Walk up Portola to burrito place. Anglo couple speaking Spanish cut in front of me. Makes me mad. Take #43 home. Get off bus to look at cyclist passing by. On next #43 run into Peter. We walk to W.F. together. Decide I’m not going to apply for 1-bedroom apartment in Sonoma. I want to stay in S.F. a while longer.

October 27, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Beautiful day. Walk to W.P. See Tony as I leave Peet’s. (*See diary of August 26.) He said he just got a new puppy named Banjo and he was waiting to meet his parents. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with Ryan. (*See diary of October 20.) Insight: Me fantasizing about what I would have said at the family reunion on October 23: “Our family was not like yours. Ours was a lie. Harriet was not a good mother. Obe was not a good father. They were more concerned about seeming like a happy family than being a happy family.” Then I talked to my father: “No, I don’t want to hit you. To hit you I’d have to love you and I don’t love you that much.” So I’m more like my parents than I thought.

October 27 dream:  Insistent hard-on dream.

October 27 dream:  Trying to take shower without light or towel or shampoo. I had been at this place before. Other men waiting in line.

October 26, 2021:  After 3 days, internet back up at about 11:45 a.m. Lots of catching up to do on my emails and my websites. In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to Excelsior. See “The game is over” on sidewalk. Then guy on Mission invites me to pet his nice python wrapped around his arms and torso. I do. Then library. Then G.P. Have about 20 minutes at C.B. before they close. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 home. Smile at cute little karate kid with glasses. Meet Killian at W.F.

October 26 dream:  Young frisky guy with nice body in suit without jacket climbs all over me. (h.o.)

October 26 dream:  Dream book The Spirituality of Joy and Transcendence at spiritual camp.

October 26 dream:  Marilyn Deurell tells me someone just asked her out on a date. I say, “Yeah, I need to ask someone out on a date as well.”

October 25, 2021:  Internet still down. Worked on book in a.m. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then up Monterey to Safeway. Meet Nicholas, new checkout guy, on way out. Walk home. Work more on book. Get to page 119 (out of 322). Hear “May 1st” on DVD. Beautiful day today.

October 25 dream:  Giant swimming pool with clear water and lanes, a little used. Big guy complaining that his wife (Cathy Tackaberry) came up and told him not to stand with his legs so spread apart.

October 25 dream:  Volunteer to help deal with the homeless, provide them food, etc.

October 25 dream:  Attend conference mid-Peninsula with Bob Meslinsky and others. They had to pay $250. I paid $40. Couldn’t find a way back home, though.

October 24, 2021:  Tough nite sleeping. Get up early. Turned on internet. It worked. Then it didn’t. For the rest of the day. Walk to W.P. It’s too rainy and windy to walk. Take K to W.P. station. Go to Peet’s. Douglas there. Try to take K home. Get caught in wind and rain again. Take K to W.P. station so I can wait without the wind and rain. Get home. Internet still down. Read more Feet of Clay. Got email saying internet may be down ’til Tuesday.

October 24 dream:  Someone starts the stadium on fire in front of everyone in order to clear it.

October 24 dream:  Working as an aide for the … Director says sometimes we’ll be asked to sit in the front but that’s high ranking defense aides. Like last week. It would be pretty odd to have a comedian (referring to me) in that position. Director says, “Sorry I’m late. I just got back from a date.” Really cute blond young guy sitting in front.

October 24 dream:  Helping Marcie Nelson move out of her senior gay apartment. I’m going to apply for it along with the two others I’ve applied for. (*Relates to getting letter from MedPen Housing on October 27?)

October 23, 2021:  Just as I’m about to leave for Santa Cruz, my internet goes down and I can’t get it back up. Pick up car at 11 a.m. Drive to Santa Cruz. Stop by downtown briefly. Cute guy smiles at me at co-op food store. Lots of people out. Drive out to Soquel. I’m a little late. Saw Nancy, Laurie, Homer, Leigh, Jeff, Billie, Paul. Robin and many whose names I don’t remember. But was a good time. Nice connection with Max’s sister, Billie’s daughter. Drive home. Get lost in the dark and rain in Santa Cruz. Almost had accident at Bush and Mason just before I returned the car. Walked by J’s place on Geary. His plants are gone. That probably means he’s gone, too. Take #49 home. Get off in rain in search of burrito. Can’t find one. Get back on #49 without having to wait a minute. When I get home, my internet is back up (briefly).

October 23 dream:  Woman very seriously tells me fellow told her that he met another fellow with my husband.

October 22, 2021:  1 p.m. appointment at 1 Haight Street. Looked at studio apartment. Nice view but only 346 square feet and no closets!!! They showed me a 2-bedroom on the 2nd floor which had two bathrooms and no microwave oven. Walked back via Castro. Passed J’s bar. Took K to W.P. Walked home from there. Then W.F. See Min after I check out so I go back and stand in line to buy one item from him. Later cute guy in T-shirt at W.F workers’ rest area. Did empty chair with my mother in p.m. She told me I was taking credit for something I didn’t do – her death. “You can’t even express your anger at me openly,” she said.

October 22 dream:  Thane arrives home. Asks for Tommy. Thane says he has to call out the rube(?) who advocated for murder.

October 22 dream:  On cliff with two other guys. I didn’t know how I was going to get down but I had done so before.

October 21, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Road rage incident on San Benito Way. Douglas at Peet’s W.P. Also meet 65-year-old Bruce who talks about inspiring the youth of today. On leaving I speak briefly with Douglas while his female co-worker tries to interrupt. Walk up Ulloa to Creighton’s bakery. Then #43 home. Then W.F. Then home. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: “The only democracy is the power of Truth personified, Truth informed, sinless, guiltless, regret-less.”

October 21 dream:  Guy wanting me to take his side of the conflict between him and slightly autistic guy.

October 21 dream:  Wanting real estate lady to make an effort to get me on board. (*Relates to looking at apartment at 1 Haight Street on October 22, I think.)

October 20, 2021:  In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. See “GIANT” on the way there. After, walk up Ulloa. Go to M.S. Get lost between two checkout lines. Make face of confusion. Young Asian checker I had seen before rushed to open his checkout stand for me. Made me happy. (*Relates to hawk from October 18?) #43 home. See Isaiah at W.F. Ask him if he’s going trick or treating. He says he used to trick or treat in W.P. I say, “That’s a nice neighborhood for treats.” He agrees.

October 20 dream:  Linda from TRI is our supervisor. She’s going on trip to New York. I can’t get the light switch to work. Then see that there are two light switches. The light eventually comes on.

October 19, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. He says, “You changed your drink from coffee frappé with light whip.” I say, “Yeah, it was too sugary.” I pause, then say, “But the matcha is good. It’s not so healthy that you can’t stand it.” (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Walk up Ulloa to #43 home.

October 19 dream:  Many people in the room. I’m looking thru magazines to pick photos I want to jerk off to. Get one of Jan Michael Vincent. Also an audio of his voice giving a talk.

October 19 dream:  Try to buy house at Mission and Cortland for $51,000. It has three stores, three flats. Can’t get neighbors to shut up. I try kissing him.

October 19 dream:  The table is set for our last celebratory meal. Someone said we don’t need a … and my plate and Tom O’s and a few others were taken away.

October 18, 2021:  Go to VA for 1 p.m. appointment with podiatrist. Hot guy in red pants on my way in. I was waiting for him to walk towards me. He didn’t. Relates to Dr. Matthew Ma, my podiatrist, also beautiful, also did not walk towards me. After, hawk circles me at VA. Walk to 9th & Irving. Take N to Peet’s Cole Valley. Read more from Feed of Clay. Buy Vietnamese sandwich from cute guy with Afro on Cole Street. Then #43 home. It’s really crowded. There’s a really beautiful young Asian man. I lock to get a seat in the back so I can get a good view of him. But I took the vacant seat right next to him. When he looked at me, I looked away with mock innocence like I was totally not interested in him. He got off a few stops later.

October 18 dream:  Fireman/lawyer helps me put my radio back together. Says we may find out things about ourselves.

October 18 dream:  We’re talking about how if you take the football program out of the university program, the university would become a spiritual retreat at OSU. Suddenly Cenk Ugur fires a gun seven times in the direction of the football stadium. An off-duty policeman comes around very casually talking about where the bullets came from.

October 17, 2021:  Attended Sunday Meeting with Hugh John in a.m. About 10 in attendance. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Also cute guy who sat next to me. I didn’t know how to approach him since he seemed doubled over texting and looking at his cellphone. So I took my own earplugs out. It was the least I could do. He left shortly after. I’m reading great book called Feet of Clay. It’s very critical of Gurdjieff, Jung, Freud and others. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Jun at work in his salon. Walk home. Later go to W.F. to get something I forgot to buy at Safeway. I check out with Min. My bill came to $10 even. I said, “Do I get a special prize?” Min said, “No.” Watch YT on PK (psychokinesis). Guest says, “Thoughts can kill.” Realized my thoughts about my mother may have killed her. Not that I intentionally set out to kill her, but I was so mad at her that I was willing to take credit for her death, saying, in effect, “See, that’s what happens when you mess with me!” Also, think that’s why I had to choose an equally pitiless guy like John to partner me in our journey of mutual self-uncovery.

October 17 dream:  Having changed my body have given me detailed instructions on what to say and how to say it. They have been very kind to me. (h.o.)

October 17 dream:  Five attributes of a chela: 1) Plan 2) Pay 3) Aim

October 17 dream:  I am in my very nice apartment. Young super comes to my door. I wanted to ask him to do something but he was gone. Tried to turn on the light. Couldn’t, though the stereo was on. Looked out my window at many, many windows of people happy, celebrating, well-dressed. Some wave at me. I wave back. It felt like the room was spinning.

October 16, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee at liquor store. Then Daniel at C.B. Also very hot guy who I sat behind. And whom I admired when he left. Walk thru G.C.P. Then #43 home.

October 16 dream:  In the Navy, a couple of guys charged me with sexual harassment to get even with me for charging them.

October 15, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. My phone breaks. Later I reboot it and it seems okay now. Think about attending presentation tomorrow about the Balboa Reservoir housing project nearby. Have wonderful feeling of “being myself.” Walk to W.P. Pass Ladi at C.S. Reading Room. Go to Peet’s. Eduardo there. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. Stop by W.F. Check out with pretty girl who seems to flirt with me. Our fingers touch as she gives me my receipt. Watched Coach Carter in p.m. Somebody in the movie holds up sign saying “RHS,” standing for Richmond High School, but also “Releasing the Hidden Splendour”.

October 15 dream:  Move to the South. See beautiful man outside my window helping someone move. Decide to move closer to the window. See his four co-workers. Realize it’s a dream and wake up.

October 15 dream:  Mitch’s cattle hear a coming stampede and get spooked.

October 15 dream:  Finish up some legal interrogatories. Now I have to mail it. I ask what I should put on the address. Woman supervisor says, “Just say ‘Response to Interrogatories’.” I walk across shallow water in N.Y harbor looking for mailbox. Pretty girl is doing a photo shoot in front of the mailbox. Then she’s not. She smiles at me sarcastically. It looks like she has some missing teeth. I tell her so. Realize I’ve forgotten to label the envelope so I have to go back across the water. It’s deeper where I am than it was before.

October 14, 2021:  Wake up at 4:30ish in the a.m. Can’t get back to sleep. Then hear call (with my phone turned off) around 7:30 or so. I’m too late to answer, but I call back one minute later. Nobody there so I leave message. Insight 1: My feeling of loss of my therapist and of my father also relates to God. Insight 2: We are so susceptible to monarchies ’cause we want to worship ourselves but just don’t have the guts. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Woman sitting outside Java Hut café on Ocean gives me the eye. (I’m wearing my red pants, after all.) Walk to W.P. Meet Sergio at Peet’s. He gets very excited meeting me. (*Relates to shits from two days ago at about the same time?) Douglas also there. FroYo place afterwards. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home.

October 14 dream:  Playing cards in familiar underground setting. Al H. playing without an Admiral card.

October 14 dream:  Getting arrested for having sex before I’m 21. I’m taking towels to washing machine while I await other person’s arrest. The crowd feels a little triumphant.

October 14 dream:  Get in argument with big fat black lady whose dress is falling off. I win. Cindy Granieri comes up to our table. We’re at some kind of political demonstration.

October 13, 2021:  Get call for John. I say, “If you want to speak to John, let me get him. He’s in the bathroom.” In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas (or Damon) at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Allen there. Spill bottle of vinegar and it brakes. Check out with Ed. #43 home. Go to W.F. for bananas. Talk with tall, long-haired vegetable guy i’d talked to before.

October 13 dream:  American is trapped. Britain wants to incriminate him. We want to hear him out.

October 13 dream:  At party they want us out for the next group of student graduates.

October 12, 2021:  Get up late. In ’til 4:30ish. Shits on leaving home. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. As I’m leaving, young guy coming out of the restroom looks intently at my T-shirt. Later I realized he was interested in me, not my T-shirt. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home.

October 12 dream:  Talking about his fellow worker, he says, “He’s good-looking but he’s a terrible cook.”

October 12 dream:  People flying in the sky with wings. Some don’t believe it. Some think it’s just a show. It is a show and final couple (a junior stalking his senior?) lands on the street to much applause. The art department of the local newspaper goes for a drink. Christian Science reading room nearby.

October 12 dream:  Have lunch with Jennifer Anniston.

October 11, 2021:  Get call around 6:30 a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Read more about “narcissistic rage.” Could my narcissistic rage be connected to my feelings of grandiosity? Friendly English guy there. After, little boy smiles insistently at me with his eyes as I walk around him in store. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. Stop at W.F. Check out girl really slow. I get mad, but was able to remember to self observe and not get either carried away or too judgment of myself.

October 11 dream:  Guy at work I really like. Most of us go off with our bikes. He does, too,. Then goes in a different direction, carrying a document to mail.

October 11 dream:  Follow our leader into large underground place. He’s much faster than we are. I try not to fall down steep cliff. Find handle to chair which moves me down. They are serving food though I’m not hungry.

October 10, 2021:  Get call around 6:30 a.m. Insight: Since John and I are so connected, what if the “narcissistic rage” (see diary of October 9) is not mine but his? In ’til 4ish. Walk to G.P. Knee goes out near Lee Avenue. Then see cute Asian guy from behind. I turn around after I pass him and he pretends to be looking at something else. Then my knee gets better On to G.P. Owners at C.B. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Pass Jun’s salon. He’s working and facing the other way. Shop at Safeway. Super hot guy ahead of me in line. His sole item was a big carton of chocolate ice cream. Fantasize about taking his clothes off. Makes me hot. Later on walk home, think about my photographs and how great they are. Think that someday I’ll be recognized as a great photographer. Then realize how big a pattern this has been in my life. Assuming I’ll be famous and important one day for whatever reason.

October 10 dream:  Stages of self-awareness getting in the way.

October 10 dream:  Pelosi has lots of congressional districts.

October 10 dream:  Woman doing back arches. Me thinking I’d like to do that when nobody is around.

October 9, 2021:  Translation group at 9:45 a.m. Self Observation group at 11 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then C.B. Owner’s son smiles at me with his eyes. Read in Mindbody that pain is caused by “narcissistic rage” and that in order to heal ourselves we don’t even need to feel that rage, just realize that the body, through pain, is trying to protect us from feeling it. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 home. In p.m. learn that trans people have more body pain than others.

October 9 dream:  I’m part of a cool London rock band. Things aren’t working out in London. I joke, “I hear things are very nice in Vallejo.”

October 9 dream:  Lion escapes. It was my job to rein him in.

October 9 dream:  Sudden rash on my right arm. Doc says it was psoriasis. He gave me some cream. It seemed to clear up. He said I told him I was going to the Mexican border. I said, “I’m going to Mexico on Friday at 11:30.”

October 8, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Listen to lots of “Wisdom of Trauma” videos. Walk to W.P. Run into Shrey. Talk with Ananh at Ingleside Gallery. Get photo back which didn’t sell after all. Walk to W.P. Bump into school kid and vice versa. At Portola and Santa Ana, other school kid runs up to me and kind of smiles. Go to Peet’s. Young woman in “boys’ jeans” there. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Talk with my Hemingway friend. Other young woman gives me her seat. Talk briefly with “crazy” guy as I exit bus. Insight: “I am God.” Is that what my body is trying to save me from having to admit?

October 8 dream:  Girl gets new Asian guy something to eat and invites him to her alcove. I rush to meet him. He’s sitting on the floor eating. I ask if I can try some. He offers me some. He says, “It’s the spirit of ….” I say, “It’s pretty good.”

October 8 dream:  John and I on same rail car we had been on before. We are both separately washing our hands and face after some event. Others there. He pretends he doesn’t notice me and and vice versa. He has a big square ring on his right ring finger. (*Relates to somebody reading my online “Diary” on October 9?)

October 7, 2021:  Insight: Thane’s comment on the movie Ordinary People: How many have seen it twice or more? Relates to me being stronger than my brother when my mother was shot in front of us just like Conrad was stronger than his brother Buckie. And can I live with that? In ’til 3:30ish. Try to take photo on way out. My camera doesn’t work! I panic. Go back. Get my good camera. Can’t get it to work either. Go back a second time to get good camera instruction book. Notice my little camera memory stick is till being charged. So take both cameras with me. Walk to W.P. Cute teenager with lime green shorts smiles at me as I check him out. Walk to Peet’s W.P. After, get $5.78 frozen yogurt ’cause I liked the look of the young man selling it. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. W.F. Check out with Min. He’s not interested in connecting with me. As I walk out, I think, “I may not have a relationship like my therapist does, but I connect with many people in my life. As I think this, catch approving glance of beautiful young black security guard. I say, under my breath, “Thanks.”

October 7 dream:  Laughing and pretending to be scared over fruit crumble choice. “Hey,” I said. “I did that last weekend.” (h.o.)

October 7 dream:  About 20 feet off the ground. Can’t take off ’til it gets a little cooler (or warmer?). Someone takes us to elevated railroad car as we wait.

October 7 dream:  Interviewing a bunch of people are who behind bars.

October 6, 2021:  One Haight BMR requests transcripts from the IRS proving that I submitted 1040s in 2019 and 2020. In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with Allen. He’s speaking to me, but barely. #43 home. Insight: Realize my body pain may be a self-punishment for my reaction to my mother’s death. Trying to steal her moment, her fame (if you will) and make it my own. Then realized my anger at her for exposing my pettiness, my egocentricity and confirming that she is/was indeed a better person than I was. And therefore she won the ongoing psychological argument I was having with her at the time of her death.

October 6 dream:  Several brief hard-ons.

October 6 dream:  Walking in the rain. Take off my boots and put on different shoes. Harriet and Obe there. The crotch in my pants was open.

October 5, 2021:  Cancelled my therapy sessions. Felt sad about it. Walk to Excelsior library. Seagull, then crow, then hawk flies toward me and lands on light pole just ahead of me. I get out my camera to take a photo. Bird flies off to other light pole. (*Relates to me returning phone call to timeshare company and leaving message as John Pinkerton on October 6, I think.) Excelsior library. G.P. C.G. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 home. Watch Wisdom of Trauma (twice).

October 5 dream:  Was waiting with friend for some people to finish eating so we could eat. Thane was with us. He teeth were yellow. He mentioned the time I licked Tom C’s butt. I said, “I didn’t lick it. I kissed it.” He said it was a snarky thing to do. I said, “No, it wasn’t.” He said he should share all the reactions he gets from others so everybody would know what people are thinking. That sounded like a horrible idea to me.

October 5 dream:  Try to check out book which I’m holding before the bus gets here. The movement of the library pushed me into the librarian who previously had her shirt off and had a male chest. She said the word for “more” was “manure.” Then she started flirting with me. There was another guy in the library as well.

October 4, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Therapy appointment at 12:30 p.m. Had to wait for prior patient to finish. Walk home via Market. Stop at Blick’s to buy three new photo frames. Stop by W.F. at Market & Dolores. Talk with beautiful, friendly young security guard I’d talked with last time. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Go to Starbucks 18th Street. Leave post-it note for John H. on their community post-it board. Pass by 440 Club. Have pizza slice at Marcello’s. It was wonderful. Take K to W.P. Check out price for blue Buddha for Ricardo. Walk home. Insight 1: My therapist is someone I don’t respect yet I want his approval. Just like my father. Insight 2: On hearing of my father’s remarrying, it wasn’t that I wanted to go back to being a normal boy. I wanted to go back to pretending to being a normal boy. That’s why I still needed my father’s approval. He would be my cover.

October 4 dream:  After many false starts, guy sitting in seat in front of me points me out. I get awarded best actor award for my work as a prisoner named Rockford, who is also there. My name is Michael Strawberry.

October 4 dream:  I’m a police officer talking about old days vs. new days. Also importance of egg salad.

October 4 dream:  Trump renominated and will almost certainly win.

October 4 dream:  Me and my 7 or 12 mostly black friends are entering big auditorium of about 100,000 for special meeting.

October 3, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Walk behind two young gay Latinos who both look back at different times. Owners at C.B. Daniel not there. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Walk past Jun’s salon. He’s sitting behind his counter. Walk home. Hawk at CCSF parking lot. Go to Ingleside Gallery closing party. Two out of my three photos sold!!! Met 30ish guy with big belly and his cute young 20ish boyfriend. Had intense exchange with 30ish guy as I left (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.)

October 3 dream:  Trying to explain my dream about Buffalo to people in other cities.

October 2, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Mislaid disc 1 of 2-disc set. Guy was very sweet about it. Made other guy jealous, I think. Walked to G.P. Lee at G.P. Went to C.B. Read in The Mindbody Prescription that TMS causes tingling. Made me feel good. Shits at G.C.P. Then walked thru G.C.P. Hear woman say she wanted something “uplifting.” Guy with T-shirt saying “Beyond28.” Really long white limo backs up in front of me, on its way to top of T.P. Realize only reason I want memory of my father’s sexual abuse of me is so I can get back at him, get even with him. And maybe that’s why I’ve been unable to retrieve a specific memory of it. #43 home. Take shower. Go to Ingleside Gallery. Say hello to Shrey and his friends. Feel real moment of love for Shrey. He likes my red pants. I tell him I’ll see him tomorrow at the closing party. Run into Min at W.F. Not so excited about him today.

October 2 dream:  Loading all the laundry of this guy from months ago into new bags.

October 2 dream:  Some people running for V.P. (*Relates to meeting Shrey, I think.)

October 1, 2021:  Bills. Monthly BB. Guy scam calls me trying to get my Social Security number. He starts to threaten me when I don’t comply. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Ingleside Gallery. See Shrey. Walk on to Peet’s W.P. Damon there. Have unsweetened matcha. Walk back. See Shrey again. We fist bump.

October 1 dream:  Riding into pier designed by fellow traveler.

October 1 dream:  2 rows of balconies in a class. I say, “I hope somebody takes a picture of this.” Then everyone leaves on break. They are dancing in the mall. I yell out, “We’re got one more lesson.” It’s called “Ocean.” Some try to bring in old white horse backwards. He doesn’t like that. Guy who said he had to go showed up.

September 30, 2021:  In ’til 3:30. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. Walk back home via Monterey. Take my three framed photos to Ingleside Gallery and Shrey hangs them up. Show is Friday night, Saturday and Sunday. Go to W.F. Meet Gabe, new checkout guy.

September 30 dream:  Guy says I should look for somebody, you know, my own age.

September 30 dream:  Fooling around with woman from the office.

September 30 dream:  Thane invites me over for meal. He is cooking behind big pole. I am near head of table in casual clothes. Tom C. there, too. Thane’s fixing pancakes in case his other meal doesn’t work out.

September 29, 2021: Got three photos printed out and framed for this weekend’s art show. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Unfriendly librarian. Go to G.P. Follow young boy who swiveled his hips in front of Cuppa. Go to C.B. Unfriendly barista. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. “Sir Allen” still turning his back to me. #43 home.

September 29 dream:  Tell Rachel Maddow and other women, “If there’s anything I can do to help.” She shows me how to unwrap parcels without tearing the wrapping.

September 28, 2021:  In ’til 11:30. Go to VA to get new shoes and give blood. After, go to Simple Pleasures Café and get totally ignored for minutes on end by cute blond guy with nice ass. So after mutually glaring at each other, I leave. Walk thru G.G. Park. Beautiful day. Go thru arboretum. Young woman at ticket booth smiles excitedly at me. Take photo of unafraid duck. I tell guy on bench, “I guess they’re expecting food.” He says, “They’ve gotten used to humans.” I pause. Then say, “Now if only I could get used to humans.” Handsome man sitting under tree smiles at me on my way out. Run into long-haired, gray-haired man outside. Realize it’s Fred Cline. Decide not to approach him. Go to Arizmendi. Then take N to Cole Valley. Significant eye contact with blue-eyed toddler on N. He seemed wise and happy and akin to me. Stop at Peet’s. Then buy three photo frames. #37 to Castro. Pop into 440 Club. #35 to G.P. BART to Balboa Station. #8 home. Stop at W.F. Check out with Min (see diary of September 24). Am overcome with love for him. Almost forget my debit card.

September 28 dream:  Big excavation or swimming pool project. I kept backing away so as not to slip into hole. Run into Leigh B. My shirt is off. My belly button is like a small penis. Leigh is glad to see me.

September 28 dream:  Learning about PBR (Post British Rule?) The Flight of the … Brigade. It was also something to eat.

September 28 dream:  Handsome tall, blond guy being pantsed. He has no genitals. He’s still cute, though.

September 27, 2021:  Therapy appointment 12:30. Kind of disappointing. Walk to Castro after. P.O. Plus. Starbucks 18th Street. Pop into 440 Club. Take K to W.P. Stop by Peet’s. Take K to Ocean. Then walk home.

September 27 dream:  Big conference somewhere directed by guy from London. I’d like to get up but I have no pants on.

September 27 dream:  I can move into Trinity Place whenever I want. The apartment is waiting for me.

September 27 dream:  Go with Michael J. Fox to visit building we used to hang out in. Guy there talking about Cogito Ergo Sum.

September 27 dream:  Get last seat in class on Native American lore. Later taking shower in bathroom stall with two women classmates in adjoining stalls.

September 26, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Walk to Safeway. Patrick there. Walk home. Slip and fall on Gennessee while stopping to take photo. Watch The Shawshank Redemption in p.m. ’cause it’s supposed to be a really important movie in the mind-body healing community. The main character’s name is Andrew Dufrene. My therapist’s name is Dufrene, but he goes by Troy, although his first name is Andrew, I found out on September 27. So I thought this was a synchronistic moment. In fact, I jumped out of my seat!

September 26 dream:  Being in interview skit with 4 or 5 others. They were from local area.

September 26 dream:  Talking about investments right before talk on investments.

September 25, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Go to C.B. Daniel there. To discourage misuse, the bathroom has a sign on it saying “Out of Order,” even though it is not out of order. Today it actually was out of order. A self-fulfilling prophesy, Daniel and I both agree. Walking out onto Diamond Street, I walk behind interesting young Asian man with pink hair. Have significant moment with him as he enters liquor store and I head up to G.C.P. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 not coming so I take #48 to W.P. Then K home. Watch young Asian guy exit at Miramar and enter an art gallery which I’d never seen before. So I get off at next exit and walk back to gallery. Meet and talk with Shrey about his art. He lives in building across from me in same complex. He invited me to submit three of my photos for his next show. Write “Pandemic leads to Pandemonium” for BB in p.m. (*Relates to “3 week” from April 6 and diary of September 4?)

September 25 dream:  I say hello to Cathy W. at work. She says, “Last time you didn’t even speak to me.” I say, Well, I was working. That’s what we do here.” She says, “I don’t know what you expect us to be.”

September 25 dream:  Young boy being sweet with me at S.F. fair grounds. He went swimming and says the water was dirty. Password to get in: “infinitegest.”

September 24, 2021:  In ’til noon. Take #43 to 800 Presidio apartments. They were almost as nice as my current apartment and only $250 more per month. Walk to Castro. Stop at Starbucks 18th Street, sitting at outside table. Walk up Castro. Have to go to bathroom. Go into 440 Club to buy cranberry juice and take a pee. I only took a few sips of the drink. It was really delicious. (*Relates to 3rd dream of September 23, I think.) Walk up Market. See cute young guy at Market and Portola who I follow to Laguna Honda Blvd. I think he’s headed one way or the other. Then realize he’s waiting for me to make my move. When I don’t, he heads back up Portola. #43 home. Me feeling petty with school girl who grabbed the seat I wanted. Check out with “Min” at W.F. I say, “Is it raining Min?” He says, “What?” I say, “Is it raining Min?” He says, “Yes” and turns around and laughs.

September 24 dream:  Have cold drink with quiet woman. I ask her if she ever drinks ice tea. “Sure,” she says.

September 24 dream:  Get on bus with people going to Rose Bowl, just to say hello. The bus won’t stop. Then it makes last stop in S.F. and several of us get off and walk back to original S.F. station.

September 24 dream:  Cleaning up the house. Getting ready for event at 2 p.m. Walk in the park in town. Woman of the house is calm. Her brother is upstairs in bath. When I came up. He gets out with only wet PJ bottoms on. He smiles at me and goes downstairs.

September 23, 2021:  Call for John Pinkerton makes me laugh. In ’til 3:30ish. Go to Peet’s W.P. Douglas there. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. “Sir Allen” trying to ignore me. #43 home. Talk with Peter on bus and on way home. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: “Love is pandemic.” As opposed to the sense testimony: We all are terrified of the demons within our own psyches.

September 23 dream:  Six or so of us. Some take down names so we can remember what group each person is in. Some kind of musical or artistic venture.

September 23 dream:  I defend Michael Williams, a black man with fly larva in his pants. I’m wearing his pants without the fly larva.

September 23 dream:  Flying in plane. Pilot says we’re going to swerve and bomb now. And we shoot out a bomb. Then I’m on the ground with older woman. I say, “Are we shoot a bomb?” Lots of boys and men in black swim suits wrestling. I’m 5 minutes late for 4 p.m. appointment.

September 22, 2021:  Woke up last night breathless. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Have shits at Peet’s. Nice moment with Douglas on leaving. Walk up Ulloa. Just catch #43. Peter on board. Meet guy reading The Night Battles by Carlo Ginzburg. Walk home with Peter. He tells me there was a fire at G.C.P. on Monday or so.

September 22 dream:  About to give class without charging fee. I point out the many reasons a fee should be charged.

September 22 dream:  Visit foreign island city. See guy I knew from S.F. We arm wrestle. I think I win.

September 21, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. After, pick up Mindbody Prescription outside of Canyon Market. It feels like the Universe is telling me that the pains I’m feeling are mind-caused rather than body-caused. Makes me happy. Walk to G.C.P. As I jaywalk across Diamond Heights Boulevard, I’m fantasizing about John visiting me at my new apartment on Haight Street. Woman driving by yells, “Bad idea!” Two hawks circling each other at apex of G.C.P. #43 home. Run into my literary friend who’s reading Hemingway’s To Have and Have Not.

September 21 dream:  Looking for jeans for my sister Laurie so she can be more relaxed in class we are all taking. (h.o.)

September 21 dream:  Renting two rooms at cheap hotel I stayed in before. No cockroaches this time. I rent out second room for some other people, but forgot. Thought of just renting out one room ’til I remembered. Some other guests don’t like me. (h.o.)

September 21 dream:  Guy acting out now ’cause nobody thought he had any acting talent in college.

September 21 dream:  Dog doing tricks.

September 21 dream:  Two people have two companies.

September 21 dream:  I was getting in argument with doctor about Christian Science. Girl accuses me of kicking her without apologizing.

September 20, 2021:  Reviewing what happened with Jun hier: He asked me, “You have a lot of friends, don’t you?” I say, “I have enough.” But I think he narrowed in on a sore spot. I look up the word “friend” and it leads to “love.” In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Peet’s W.P. Listen to YT about family systems. Suddenly realize why I feel so unlovable: because I was relying on the judgment of Obe and Harriet, my father and step-mother, to tell me whether I was lovable or not. Shoot up from my table. Leave the café. Thought of taking train to Castro, just two stops away, to share my excitement. Walk up Ulloa to #43 which arrived immediately. Shits on arriving home.

September 20 dream:  ETDEC_ _ _ _ _ _ _: First letters in long word for extraterrestrial declaration(?)

September 20 dream:  Can’t get into part I’m supposed to play in play. I tell them I’m perfectly fine if they want to get somebody else. The part is a loud authoritarian guy.

September 20 dream:  Moving back into vacation house. Bring shoes. Harriet there. Girl who wants me to wait ’til she starts wearing shoes. Suzanne there as well. She seems to really be happy i’m there. Earlier I say, “What the Fuck!” Harriet objects. I say, “Whoops! Mommy patrol!”

September 20 dream:  Trying to serve a cup of coffee and also giving a book about Native Americans to somebody.

September 20 dream:  Dream of sucking somebody’s cock.

September 19, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Then walk up Monterey to Safeway. Pass Jun’s salon. I was going to stop by he suggested hier, but he was cutting somebody’s hair and facing the other way. Made me feel bad. Go to Safeway. Then walk home. Lots of house cleaning today. Email from Troy cancelling my therapy appointment tomorrow. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: “Truth stands on its own.”

September 19 dream:  Supposed to return form before checking out. Carol Carter with me, who I’m mad at.

September 19 dream:  Jumping off Uncle Nick’s roof. Running around in the neighborhood. Walk thru garden gate which I say is “very Parisian.” Wondering what I’m doing there. Would like to get away from my family.

September 18, 2021:  Self Observation group at 11 a.m. Six in attendance. I like this group better than the one I attended previously. In ’til 1:30ish. Rush to get to haircut appointment with Jun. He says I should visit more often, not just when I need a haircut. He calls it “friendship.” Then Asian guy comes in and starts talking Chinese with him. I tell Jun, “He’s taking away from my friendship time.” I tell him i’m thinking of moving to Haight and Market. He says there are too many homeless there. I remind him of time he came over to my place. He said, “And you didn’t even offer me anything to eat.” Walk to Excelsior library. Then back to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to #48 to W.P. Take K home.

September 18 dream:  Free wild possum. Hope the dog goes after it. They go after each other.

September 18 dream:  My grandmother, who I just met, mentions “penis” for the second time. I compliment her for it.

September 18 dream:  Guy on stairway is or pretends to be awestruck by me. But he seems to be on his way out.

September 18 dream:  Drive friend to Jewish center in the Tenderloin. He wants to stay for meditation. I decide to stay too. Run into Nobel Fields there. I tell my friend, “We used to make fun of him at school.” She says, “That’s not who I am.”

September 18 dream:  Some old Dickens play with an all-gay cast.

September 17, 2021:  In ’til 1ish. #49 to Tommy’s Joint on Van Ness for 10th anniversary of Occupy lunch with John F. Then walk to Castro. Trying to hook up online with Occupy Wall Street Global GA. But can’t. Then take K to W.P. Stop at Peet’s. Douglas there. After, talk with Ladi at Christian Science Reading room. Tell him about God’s Perfect Child. I leave about 5:35 p.m. I ask Ladi, “How late do you stay?” He says, “5:40..” K home. Cute Asian girl on K. Then W.F. Shirtless Asian guy in overalls having trouble opening plastic bag. I say, “Do you need help with that?” He laughs. Big group of young people with SFO tags on their luggage on elevator. I say, “Where are you coming from?” The say, “San Diego.” I sound disappointed. One girl jokes, “I came from Dubai.”

September 17 dream:  Christian vs. Christian on rooftop, fighting. Don’t know who is going to win.

September 17 dream:  Woman boss about to open letter which I had opened and amended and re-taped up.

September 16, 2021:  Calvin calls. Invites me to “Conversations with Calvin” in December or later. Then 1 Haight calls again. I try to get all the documents they are requesting. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Peet’s W.P. Douglas is baristo. Then up Ulloa to M.S. I compliment “Sir Allen” on his new haircut. He says, “Thank you, Sir.” #43 home. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: “Truth and sexual appropriateness is all I have in mind.” Watch Last Temptation of Christ in p.m.

September 16 dream:  Follower of religious leader is allowed his freedom. (h.o.)

September 16 dream:  On board the boat following the ship Ernst. We were following in its wake, trying to stay upright. (h.o.)

September 15, 2021:  Go to VA for first of three appointments. Stop by liquor store to buy Chron even though I already had one. I wanted to see my IA friend from September 3. He checked out my crotch. Later walking by same liquor store without intending to, went in again. This time IA told me, “I get off about 5 or 6.” I said, “You should be thankful you have parents who are willing to help you out.” Woman in line behind me. (*Relates to first dream of September 14, I think. Also, to hearing hawk hier. I heard the hawk but couldn’t see it. Just like I couldn’t see getting together with IA.) After VA, go to nearby W.G. Black guy gives me intense look. Walk through G.G.Park to 9th and Judah. #43 home.

September 15 dream:  Christian Scientist guys I’m supposed to like. One I do.

September 14, 2021:  in ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then C.B. as it was closing. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear hawk at apex. #48 and #43 home. Cute young Asian guy offers seat to me. As I approach home, thinking about what I heard recently on YouTube about compassion, that the reason it’s so important is because everyone is a part of you. And by being compassionate to others, you are really being compassionate with yourself. As I’m thinking this, W.F. worker (not Javier) gives me an unexpected smile. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: “Truth is joyously expectant of Truth.”

September 14 dream:  A friend of mine was about to go into underground cave. The rest of us were all dressed in new outfits and I was dancing with the girl I was supposed to be dancing with.

September 14 dream:  The dean (a woman) has asked me to say a few words, to read these lines. Before I could speak, another woman gets up and gives a speech. Then I try to get microphone to work and start talking.

September 13, 2021:  Therapy appointment at 12:30 p.m. At one point my therapist says my face fell. I thought that was an interesting way to put it. Walk up Market to Castro. Stop at Peet’s Castro. Ferret-like guy gives me the eye. Later as I’m leaving, I see he’s no longer there. But tall handsome guy (who I think was the same guy) walked out the door in front of me. Walk to Castro. Take photo of “Residents on 9/17” on Castro Theatre marquee. Walk up Market to Portola. Handsome guy at Portola Drive and Burnett Avenue smiles at me as if in confirmation of the ideas I was reviewing in my mind. Wait almost an hour for #43 home. Then begin Translating more seriously. Skateboarder I had connected with suddenly take off. So I do as well. I get on bus four stops later. It’s really crowded but bus driver was nice enough to stop and pick me up.

September 13 dream:  Getting tired of the demands made of me by The Prosperos. I wrap myself in screen. Someone comes to find me. I say, “What do you want?” They tell me. Then I tell them I’ll take care of it.

September 13 dream:  Visiting Oregon. Share room with someone. Then can’t find him. Fortunately, I run into him. He’s digging in a canal. Aries dog protecting him.

September 13 dream:  At school cafeteria for adults. Everybody is hooking up. Guy asks me, “Do you want to come?” I say, “Sure.”

September 13 dream:  My brother Tom says he’s going to name his new child after me: Michael Lee P. …

September 13 dream:  Someone says both my brother Tom and I have public involvement in civic affairs.

September 12, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Owner and son at C.B. Hot blond guy in shorts with mask on walks in. I get excited. Think he gets excited too. Later gay friend of son comes in and ignores me. I say to son, “Is the bathroom working?” [There’s a sign on it which says “Out of Order.”) He says it’s working. I say, “Oh, I see, you’re just teasing us.” Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Guy with tight T-shirt and nice body doesn’t want to play with me. Check out with Patrick, who also is not very playful. Walk home. Run into couple from upstairs on CCSF parking lot? Shits on arriving home. Finish GPC.

September 12 dream:  Had to play piano on crutches. A friend of mine was helping me.

September 12 dream:  Document needs photocopying.

September 11, 2021:  World Work Translation Group at 11 a.m. Three in attendance. In ’til 4:30ish. See “Gusher” on Ocean Avenue. Later Skateboarder with glasses on Ocean. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Say hello to Lee. Too late for C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Run into my motorcycle friend from April 22, 2021 on Amethyst Way. He was with a friend and had four motorcycles in his garage and driveway. He says he sold two in the last month I remind him that last time we talked he said to me, “It’s never too late.” I said, “In fact, I was thinking of that just now before I ran into you.” #43 home. Isaiah at Safeway. Two of us “older” guys were competing for his attention. Or so it seemed.

September 11 dream:  Shop in Paris being shut down. Jewish woman’s things taken?

September 11 dream:  Climb up moving cement structure. Other guy tries to knock me off. Then somebody stops the structure from moving and there are kids up there.

September 10, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Read more GPC at Peet’s. Woman wanting me to check her out. I don’t. Eduardo and other sweet baristo there. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. “Sir Allen” there hidden underneath black hoodie. Check out with “haircut” Ed. They ran out of Wheat Thins. #43 home. Pause in stairwell to photo drawing on floor. Nice young Asian guy smiles at me, followed by his girlfriend. I think they’re my new upstairs neighbors. Makes me feel happy. Later, after waiting about three weeks, get email response from 1 Haight Street asking for documents  which I had already submitted, all within two business days. So I think I’m gong to let them go. Finish Translation for World Work Translation Group. My conclusion: “The brutal truth:  The only opinion/dogma is the perfection of Truth/Consciousness.”

September 10 dream:  Was after certain woman. Just when I was about to reach her, I was stopped. Then released. Then was interested in man.

September 10 dream:  Class on … reading. We were reading a text on deer meat. How there are two types: one standard and tasteless, the other rancid yet tasteful. I take wrong text for second reading.

September 10 dream:  At gay club, young waiters showing off their asses. A black guy from USLA (University of California at Sausalito) gives me the eye. Latino guy keeps hogging my phone. Earlier some moldy bread and moldy muffins.

September 10 dream:  Woman supervisor said she had sex with a couple of soldiers while we were all out of the building.

September 9, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Go to Peet’s W.P. Read more GPC. Scary stories about Christian Science kids getting sick and dying. Walk to Ulloa. #43 home. See “Tattletale.”

September 9 dream:  When he lays on top of me, I’m supposed to grab his penis.

September 9 dream:  Looking for something to eat at local cafeteria. Drive by. Suddenly my car is loaded down with pallets of Coke. Then there’s an obstacle I try to drive through. Then I’m on rock out ion the water. One of the rocks I’m on is loose. I kick it into the water. Now I have to get wet to get back on dry land.

September 8, 2021:  In til 3ish. Walk to Peet’s W.P. Read more God’s Perfect Child (GPC). Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. See “Work in Progress.” Stay on bus one stop beyond to try and connect with teenager with metallic gray fingernail polish. Couldn’t figure out how to do that since he seemed so engrossed with the game on his phone and his friend sitting next to him. After, I concluded that since Mind is one, he must have felt my effort to go out of my way for him. Then, cute young guy on Ocean smiles at me as if in agreement. More GPC in p.m.

September 8 dream:  Big food gathering and eating is almost over. We had to eat out of particular boxes. More to come next week.

September 8 dream:  My brother has a bad head wound. I urge him to spend the night with John F. John says, “It looks like he has brain damager. He looks better in the a.m.” (*Relates to reading GPC on September 9?)

September 7, 2021:  In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. Then G.P. Then read more God’s Perfect Child at C.B. Then G.C.P. Beautiful guy on Arbor Street. I started to take photo but he gave me dirty look. so I pretended I was looking at my phone. Later runner on Market says, “I didn’t mean to scare you.” #48 to #43 to home. Talk with Peter. I ask him if he agrees with Jon Stewart that “Science is doing a tremendous job of rescuing us from the pandemic which science began.” Peter said something about industrialization as he was crossing the street on his way home.

September 7 dream:  According to our boss the Giants are the only local team doing well. I say, “What about Golden State?”

September 7 dream:  I’m joining the Army 22nd Airborne.

September 6, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Nice baristo at Peet’s. He gave me large drink when I ordered a medium. Also brought drink and then straw to my table. Started reading God’s Perfect Child more seriously. Up Ulloa to #43 home. Continue reading God’s Perfect Child. Get to page 100. It’s a really stunning take-down of Mary Baker Eddy, founder of Christian Science, and icon of my childhood upbringing. Hear: “Prepare for the unexpected” in p.m.

September 6 dream:  Young kids are asked a series of questions. We try to make sure they answer correctly. At end I call everybody together.

September 6 dream:  Bob Meslinsky looking at apartment for himself. He says, “I wish I didn’t have to leave Phil.”

September 6 dream:  Am involved with casual group. Kind of like a summer camp. Keep running into same girl. I say, “Are you running in or running out?” She says, “Who are you involved with?” I say, “I’m figuring that out.”

September 6 dream:  Go to Vallejo. Walk up to apartment building to take a look. Steps up to first landing are completely missing. Beautiful view of the bay. Go to take photo. See several large white sea lions. Then a man, two puppies, and a sea lion approach me. I get ready to confront them. [Then my phone rings and I wake up.]

September 5, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk out of apartment. See woman talking on her phone approaching front door. I try to avoid her. Take elevator up to 2nd floor and walk down. Walk down Ocean to San Benito to Monterey to Safeway. Two young black boys get out of my way as I walk by. Go to Safeway. See Asian guy with nice body. Decide I can’t just ignore him so I tell him, “I like your cart.” (*Relates to hawk from September 3 and shits from hier, I think.) Later, I happen to get behind him in the checkout line. Walk home. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: Health ( wholeness) is the only force in the Universe.

September 5 dream:  Adding three new women house members to Saratoga house: one in back porch, one in kitchen, one in dining room, Harriet tells me.

September 5 dream:  Czechs lose game by 2 points though the result seems incorrect to me and others. But Czechs are willing to agree.

September 5 dream:  Take train back into city. Lose my jacket. Lose my luggage. Lots of huge trucks on road. One going forward though heading sideways. Some SOMA residents. One woman says to another, “That’s the price of living in luxury.”

September 4, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then Lee at G.P and Daniel at C.B. Read God’s Perfect Child about an ex-Christian Scientist. Walk to Safeway feeling “shittier.” Pass another wedding at Sunnyside Conservatory. When I get to Safeway, the toilet is closed so I take #43 home and just make it to my bathroom. Later, thinking to myself, “If only God would tell me whether I’ll get better or not.” Then, a few minutes later, listening to YouTube about women mystics, annoying audience member starts singing too loudly. I turn volume down. Then I hear what she’s singing, “All shall be well again, I know.” Later, talking to God in my head, I say, “I owe you my life.” And He says, “Yes, you do.” Later, I wonder, “How long will it take?” Then I realize maybe it’ll be three weeks as indicated in my dream of April 6, 2021. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: “The body of God works harmoniously with Itself to give and receive good.”

September 4 dream:  Must register for big event coming up. (h.o.)

September 4 dream:  Attending party in big old lofty building. Lots of people smoking. Something about Pakistan. And signing a document. Reading in newspaper about coming to party with masked avenger or his rival. At end of dream, building gets very smoky. I look in front part of building and see that it’s not as smoky there. We get ready to leave in a hurry.

September 4 dream:  Thane in mock fight with me over words. I’m drinking a dark cola which leaves a black residue on bottom of glass.

September 3, 2021:  In ’til noonish. Go to VA for dental appointment for TMJ. Liquor store clerk with IA T-shirt. He said they are an Asian group. Meet Dr. Kwan at VA. Love him. (*Relates to “Perfect” on the way there.) Walk home via G.G. Park. See hawk over playing field. Also h.s. boys waving their arms and skipping during soccer practice. I take photo of them. On to 9th Avenue. Then #43 home. Sit next to young boy at bus stop who later sat next to me on the bus. Go to W.F. Stand next to friendly but chubby guy who seems to want to connect with me. Finally I speak to him. He smiles. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Insight: Both my TMJ and my initial melanoma happened on my left ear.

September 3 dream:  Clean up house Tom O. and I are sharing. Guy starts talking to me at same time as I’m talking to Tom.

September 3 dream:  Eating a piece of pie at Calvin’s newly remodeled place. He and his guests disapprove. The pie was not as good as it looked.

September 2, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Eduardo at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. feeling “shittier.” Shits at M.S. Check out with “haircut” Ed. #43 home. See “Dance of Victory” on bus. Listen to Heroes, Villains and Healing in p.m.

September 2 dream:  Thane at big outdoor event. I wish I could stand up to him with my eyes. Then I have trouble seeing.

September 2 dream:  Take bus trip to someplace north of Sacto. It’s snowy. The driver stops one stop early. He’s a temp driver and doesn’t know what he’s doing.

September 2 dream:  Somebody tries to rape pretty big guy. Guy fights back and I and others come to the room where they are and save them. After, I am licking gravy off my fingers, hoping I’m not being too arousing to the rapist, who’s still in the room with us.

September 1, 2021:  Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. See coyote at St. Francis and San Benito. It was just walking across somebody’s lawn. It noticed me. I tried to take a few photos. Go to Peet’s W.P. Eduardo there. Sit next to man who seemed a little too close. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. See Peter afterwards. I give him calling card for Jun’s salon. Listen to How to Kill Your Batman audio book about male sexual abuse. It feels like the weekend.

September 1 dream:  My last day (or maybe it’s tomorrow) at my current place of employment. It’s 8 p.m. and they said they’d get me my check today.

September 1 dream:  Big old bloke helped me move frozen mean onto truck. Jonathan Flynn there. Also Bill Floyd. The big guy insisted on moving the last box himself.

September 1 dream:  Start one year assignment as enlisted man in the Navy. We’re just getting on board ship which is at ocean level.

September 1 dream:  Jean Evans walking up the path on my front lawn.

August 31, 2021:  Submit my new lease online. Get call in a.m. which relates to the hawk on Market Street hier, I think. In ’til 3ish. Return house key to Mary L. via U.S. mail. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.C.P. Two guys (and me) waiting to see the coyotes, who don’t show. #48 and #43 home. Talk to Peter about apple pie he made from scratch using applies from his grandfather’s apple tree in Woodside. Insight: My body pain relates to my father trying to hang on to me?

August 31 dream:  Little niece grabs my balls. I call her a spoiled brat. Other woman comes prepared with lots of cash and checks.

August 31 dream:  Bright yellow aura being comes rising through the department store floor. I’m not really speaking to my boss (my father) and he says he wonders what the dream wants. I say, “You’ll have to ask the phone operators.”

August 31 dream:  I feel bad ’cause I let the humming bird’s mother die.

August 30, 2021:  Therapy appointment at 11 a.m. We did an abbreviated empty chair technique with me talking with my father and vice versa. On walk home RHSed my father who always said to me, “Why don’t you just hit me?” It was his way of saying that’s what he’d do. That’s what a real man does. I said to him, “I think a real man would prevent himself from sexually abusing his son. That’s what a real man would do.” Made me feel good. See hawk on Market Street. Go to 18th Street Starbucks. Get latte and banana nut bread to go. Walk up Castro. Walk over to hear musicians in front of Castro Theatre. See older guy who I try to avoid, then lock my gaze onto his lips. Walk up Market. Other guy smiles at me. Walk to Laguna Honda Blvd. #43 home. Isaiah unhappy at W.F. Watching Jack Benny episode in p.m., he mentions Rembrandt and Picasso just like I did in my BB post (“Truth as art”) of August 25.

August 30 dream:  Some guy lining us up, making us shit. My shit was okay.

August 30 dream:  Pick up some drum sticks and really wail on them. Also, learn to play the piano, I think. Am at work or school.

August 30 dream:  Go to hospital. Get “Cover to pregnant to Japan” chip from strange Greek greeter.

August 30 dream:  Almost finished with the pre’s – the preparation of the meals.

August 29, 2021:  Write “Truth is happening now!” post for BB. In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to W.P. Eduardo at Peet’s. Don’t know anybody else there. New baristo Dominic. Walk up Ulloa. Nice man battling gophers on Ulloa. #43 home. See runner in red shorts. Get off bus and go back and try to find him. I wait around a while and he comes running back. I follow him. Translate in pm. Conclusion: Truth nourishes itself by digesting/understanding everything.

August 29 dream:  Check into big building for annual gay convention with all kinds of activities, talks, displays, etc. Derek there. Robert McEwen. Both tried to sign me up for things before I’d even gotten there.

August 29 dream:  Getting together with guy I really like.

August 29 dream:  3 roommates all take off. Finally they all return. One is turning into an insect.

August 28, 2021:  World Work Translation Group at 11 a.m. 4 of us attended. Later watch The Dancing Boys of Afghanistan video. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then see Lee at G.P. liquor store. Then Daniel at C.B. Then guy with nice ass waiting for #44. I say to him, “Is this the #44?” He says, “Yeah.” He seems creepy. I continue on my way. Next guy I meet greets me as if we were old friends. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Pass security guard at Sunnyside Conservatory. Then photographer blocking the sidewalk. I walk around her. She is photographing the married couple. She says to them, “Put your heads together.” Man seems happy. Woman a bit put off, though beautiful. Go to Safeway. #43 home. Insight: My skin crawling feeling may relate to my father’s sexual abuse of me.

August 28 dream:  Famous guy at international San Francisco demonstration goes towards his predicted death. Then survives. Crowd (including me) applauds. Woman owner of property says, “We’re having a fight about where to go next. If you have any comments, let me know.”

August 28 dream:  “Geigheif” is gangster work for “mother.”

August 28 dream:  Spend first night in my new (to me) apartment. A small bird comes in. Then the landlord and a woman. I ask him about some holes on the counter. He says I’ll have to fix it. And that I should open a window and let the bird out, which I do. It lands on my face before it leaves.

August 27, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Eduardo there. Nobody else I know. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. Run into Peter on way out. He tells me he has a younger sister going to school in Colorado. I say, “Where?” He says, “Colorado State in Ft. Collins.” Makes me happy. Translate in p.m.

August 27 dream:  Getting ready to listen to a class on somebody’s living room floor.

August 27 dream:  Am at day camp with Calvin and others. Tab Hunter is the lifeguard. Only I couldn’t remember his name. But I was acting out how he did – sometimes with gay arm movements, sometimes with jock movements. ““Cause he was both,” I said.

August 27 dream:  Visit woman teacher in middle of country. October. Big Christmas tree in her home.

August 26, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. Made me feel good. Shits later. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Run into my older literary friend from #43. I was following young man at the time. (Probably too young.) Go to Peet’s. Nobody I know working. Later Dickens friend from August 18 comes in. He has sheet music on his table. We talk briefly, both of standing. I lust after his beautiful hands and arms and imagine him without his flimsy T-shirt. I say, “So do you live in this area [West Portal]?” He says, “Yes.” I say, “Well, see you again.” He gives me look of disappointment. I walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with Sir Allen. He’s got a new name tag without the “Sir.” #43 home. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: “Life is the only option.”

August 25, 2021:  in ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Shirtless Asian guy (from August 18) still shirtless, on same bench, talking with same older man on Ocean Avenue. Pass actor Jim’s house on Santa Ana Avenue. Go to Peet’s W.P. Ramone is baristo there. Also Eduardo. Some self-infatuated young people. Then actor Jim and his girlfriend come in. They leave before I run into them. Walk across W.P. Boulevard. Follow beautiful man carrying string bass into wine bar. Several other beautiful smiling men there. No customers. I smile back. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. Jerk off. Translation conclusion: Truth does not punish itself.

August 25 dream:  Getting recording equipment and dinner ready for crazy boss who’s being nice to me at the moment. I touch his baby’s feet as he passes in his PJs for the night The baby seems smaller than he was. There’s food stains on the counter. I say, “Should I clean this up first?” He says, “Yes.”

August 25 dream:  Woman refuses meat or anything meat adjacent. So she refuses salad which didn’t look very good anyway.

August 24, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Try to keep up with young student on Ocean. Finally catch up with him at San Jose Avenue. I think he expected me to come on to him. He seemed off somehow. On to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. Walk to G.P. Shits at C.B. Later Sudoku asks me how I am. I’m fine. Walk thru G.C.P. to Portola Drive. #48 to Laguna Honda Blvd. See Lotus-like car with license plate “Starman.” #43 home. Write “Translation as art” post for BB. Later, as I’m falling asleep, feel a weight on my side. It freaked me out. After much consideration, I think it was Thane giving me a pat on the back for my post on Translation.

August 24 dream:  Run into John while I’m working on a police investigation as is he. I’m supposed to be in one room, but I go with John and the group he’s with. Once we are all seated at a table, he no longer speaks to me. So I start a conversation with the pretty girl (think AOC) sitting to my right. Lots of green clovers around outside.

August 23, 2021:  Therapy appointment at 12:30. We mostly talked about my 2nd dream of August 19 about me splitting up with my president (Trump, i.e., Thane). Walk up Market to Castro. Smiling guy with hot body in tight cloths near Twitter HQ. Go to Starbucks 18th Street. They no longer allow people to sit at tables. So I walk up Market to M.S. Then take #48 to Peet’s W.P. They still allow people to sit but require proof of vaccination. K home. Stop at W.F. looking for tapioca pudding. Settled for chocolate muffins. Somebody throwing cherry bomb outside my apartment window for 2nd time in a few days. Perhaps the new tenant who moved in underneath me?

August 23 dream:  Trying to get to sleep in rented vacation house. I’m on couch. My bed is still packed and it’s dark. And I have no light. Aunt Joanne sleeping in same room on a chair. If offer her the couch but she doesn’t take me up on it. European guy fixing food in kitchen is mad at me for some reason.

August 23 dream:  Big fun event at school—like a play which many of us were in. Calvin there. At end, we both say, “Ta, ta.” Older man who was registering for classes. I was getting healed, I think.

August 22, 2021:  Final day of SupraCargo online class. (*See 2nd dream of August 19.) Can’t believe Heather thought the germ “gay” began use as a term for homosexuals with a progressive group in France in the late 1800s. I think she was mistaking it for Gertrude Stein and her salon in the ’20s or ’30s. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Guy on Ocean, who I’d seen before, smiles at me. Go to Peet’s W.P. Notice beautiful guy sitting behind me. Don’t know how to contact him. He wasn’t reading a book. So I started on my way to the restroom. Then I thought maybe I could ask him to watch my phone. I stood there about 2 minutes trying to justify this ’cause I could very easily have taken my phone with me. But on the other hand, I knew I would have no other chance to speak with him. So I asked him to watch my phone. As soon as I caught his eyes my eyes were dancing all over the place. I thank him when I get back to my seat. He smiles. Say goodbye to new baristo on way out. Up Ulloa. #43 home. Took photo of guy resting his head on shoulder of guy sitting next to him.

August 22 dream:  Putting society back together with Irish bars and other parts of society in the proper amount.

August 22 dream:  Girl sitting next to me in park. She kisses me. I don’t like it much. Crowd of people looking up at my window.

August 21, 2021:  SupraCargo class online from 10-2 p.m. 7 of us attended. In ’til 5ish. Walk to Safeway. See “Flurry.” Shop at Safeway. #43 home. Two new neighbors moving in, one on top of me. One underneath. See “Big Bang.”

August 21 dream:  Trying to find book before I have to leave or wake up. 4 or 5 people killed, all with “good” … and buried under the carpet.

August 21 dream:  There’s an earthquake on 12th floor of building. I rush to get out. Then it’s over. I go back into building.

August 21 dream:  The 15th or then a woman(?)

August 20, 2021:  Shits in a.m. In’ til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Eduardo and some nice baristas at Peet’s. Finish Equus. It reminds me of my BB “Being a F**ker” post from a few days ago. Makes me feel good. Up Ulloa to #43 to home. Jerk off. Watch Alexander in p.m.

August 20 dream:  3 or 4 rows of photos (h.o.)

August 20 dream:  Working in central warehouse trying to find return labels and other things. No one being very helpful.

August 20 dream:  Moved into new room with Tom O. as my roommate. The bathroom sink nearest the window was mine. It had a beautiful view of green trees. I was shaving with green shaving green. Tom writes new room number (22055) on my suitcase.

August 19, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Run into my actor friend Jim outside his home on Santa Ana Avenue. We talk briefly. On to Peet’s W.P. New guy Tyler there. Walk up Ulloa to #43 stop. Talk with Peter on way home. Oliver Stone’s Untold History of the U.S. in p.m.

August 19 dream : Looking for a photo of Oscar Wilde I had seen earlier in an encyclopedia. Others in the room with me. In the kitchen were lots of baseball players, some professional. When I walked in with a smile on my face, somebody said everybody should be happy like me. And I say, “And I’m only 67…ah, 77, oh my god.” (h.o.)

August 19 dream:  Water receding from ocean in anticipation of tsunami? My house is directly on the beach with a steel window curtain for protection. Trump is my outgoing boss. He is wearing a worn red jacket and leaving me. I say, “I don’t want to see you again.” He says, “You won’t.”

August 18, 2021:  Insight: Hypochondria is often caused by childhood sexual abuse. Feeling like I want to die not just due to my body pains but perhaps due to unresolved emotions from childhood sexual abuse. Feeling like my body has been taken from me. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Asian guy in muscle T-shirt on August 12 is shirtless, sitting with older man on Ocean Avenue. Near Aptos Street, another young man smiles at me. Go to Peet’s. Eduardo there. Also Justin and Ramone. Also shadowy guy I sat next to. Later he returned to his seat and kind of looked me over. Later I looked at him. He was more attractive than I had thought. I went to the restroom fantasizing about having sex with him. When I returned to my seat, he was gone. Shortly after, another young man sat in front of me reading a really thick book. I knew I needed to speak to him. On my way out, I asked him what book he was reading. It was The Old Curiosity Shop by Charles Dickens. He had beautiful smiling eyes and a black mask. Was this the same guy I met on August 1? Probably. Then he was reading a science fiction book. (*Relates to first dream of August 15?)

August 18 dream:  Looking for copies of three letters sent out describing my work with various people.

August 18 dream:  Something about trying to find the city of New York.

August 17, 2021:  Sarah calls. Insight: Word for “makes my skin crawl” is formication. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then to G.P. Handsome guy on Diamond whom I admire. Then C.B. Then G.C.P. Two handsome guys who are not into being admired at Portola and Woodside Avenue. Then guy at Laguna Honda Boulevard who also seems standoffish. I move out of his way. He moves behind me. Then #43 to W.F. Young guy at W.F. Then home. Translate “formication” in p.m. Conclusion: I am transmissible Health.”

August 17 dream:  Marriage during a time of war. Had to take cover. (h.o.)

August 17 dream:  Everybody watching movie in hotel lobby. Hear gunshots. Many people leave theater. [Relates to actual noise of garbagemen outside at about 6:30 a.m.]

August 17 dream:  Nancy, Laurie and I move in together. Nancy is taking a nap. I am carrying her young girl who’s sleeping on my shoulder. The apartment has been rearranged. Now to get to the kitchen, we have to go thru Nancy and Laurie’s room.

August 16, 2021:  Therapy appointment at 12:30. See tulpa before and after. I told my therapist I have trouble smiling for photographs. He says, “Smile.” Walk up Market to Castro. Stop at 18th Street Starbucks. Then P.O. Plus to scan my One Haight Street BMR application. Then walk up Castro. Cruise outdoor waiter just before passing J’s bar. Walk up Market. The kids are back at SOTA. Stop at M.S. Check out with middle-aged Filipino guy. I say, “Where’s your name tag?” He gets it out. It says “Suzette.” I say, “Suzette?” He says, ‘Yeah.” I say, “Okay.” #43 home. Run into my literary friend from July 19. He’s reading Hemingway’s Old Man and the Sea. I tell him, “I remember how it ends.” He says, “Don’t tell me.” I say, “I won’t.” Worker at Philz smiles at me. We talk briefly.

August 16 dream:  My gay friend sitting at table with all the Negroes. Then I remember, “Oh, yeah, he’s a Negro, too.” Everybody leaves. When I get up from the table, my woman friend wants me to take care of the guy sitting next to her: Paul Kavanagh. I didn’t know he was gay. I stayed around for a while, then joined my friends who had already left.

August 16 dream:  Fellow campaign volunteer trying to ingratiate herself to our supervisor. So our supervisor starts taking an interest her. She says, How long have you been here?”

August 16 dream:  Puppy I’ve got on a leash. Someone says of him, “For each time he reaches out to me, he reaches me whole.”

August 15, 2021:  Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. 20 in attendance, including “Visitor.” In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Eduardo at Peet’s brings my drink to my table personally. Walk up Portola to #43 just leaving. Two “false starts” on bus. Hear “Get Ready for a Big Surprise. Something good will happen.” Insight: Prickling pain during day relates to heart palpitations at night?

August 15 dream:  Going thru Russian indoor spaces. See the words “Niestro Russio.” (Our Russia?). Guy says, “Speak Russian.” (h.o.)

August 15 dream:  Two Russian guys try to trap us into giving information, which we don’t do.

August 15 dream:  Hear alarm. Wake up in dream to see calm man in black sweater in my kitchen with two little boys. As I stand there, the alarm gets fainter. I have trouble making an energetic response.

August 14, 2021:  Wrote “Being a f**cker” post for the BB. In ’til 4ish. Walk to G.P. Shits at C.B. Then up Monterey to Safeway. Patrick there. Also guy from last Saturday, who was so cool to me, kind of disrobed (psychologically) for me as I passed him in Aisle 5. #43 home. Finish BMR application for One Haight Street. Tough evening health-wise. (*Relates to my concerns about the reception to my “Being a f**cker” post?)

August 14 dream:  Give woman to guy or at least all that’s left of her. He says he’s “ebullient.” (h.o.)

August 14 dream:  Guy painting graffiti on bathroom stalls. Says he has to get people in the habit of painting over them. One is a painting of a beautiful parrot. I tell guy I wouldn’t paint over that. A group of guys outside waiting to do graffiti.

August 13, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Help two Japanese guys looking for Excelsior Playground. See “set for life.” Go to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Take #48 to W.P. rather than my usual route. See Gabby (from hier) at Starbucks W.P. He’s not so “gabby” today. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Take K home. Jack Benny video on YouTube.

August 13 dream:  The building contractor says my property is not yet ready to begin construction. Look for bowl in pottery shop which can serve hot chocolate for four.

August 13 dream:  See John II at gym, shirtless. He looks a little older. No longer into me.

August 13 dream:  See John II sitting on ground, leaning against building. I open his shirt. Then his pants. Later I am in a marching band.

August 12, 2021:  Shits before leaving house about 3:30. Walk down Ocean. Beautiful Asian guy in muscle T-shirt. Guy in Kaisen Don resto on Ocean. 3rd Asian guy cruises me. I run across street to get closer look at young man in T-shirt. He flashes his abs for me. Go to Peet’s W.P. Meet Gabriel (“You can call me Gabby.”) He’s a 17-year-old high school student from Washington state. We talk about an hour and plan to meet again before he returns on August 17s. #43 home. Guy in W.F. tells me all about pineapples. I buy one. ACIM: “I am determined to see.”

August 12 dream:  We’re sitting at big long tables singing some sort of silly song. Thane is singing with us.

August 12 dream:  Barry Bram(?) talking to his wife, “Call me Blue Thunder.” (h.o.)

August 12 dream:  Reading book called “BNF” (But Not Forever?) (h.o.)

August 12 dream:  Visit the Barbier family when they were younger. Also see Tom O. when he was younger. I say, “We should get along.” Also woman wanting to put on an hour play. Other woman talking her out of it.

August 12 dream:  Visit Oakland. It’s beautiful. A couple of women say to me, “I could do you.” See Translation etched on side of rock. It’s a Translation about “love of country,” written by John. Take #38 home through very beautiful transit center in Oakland.

August 11, 2021:  Got email that my BMR application was overdue. Spend all morning and afternoon working on it. Finally submit application online by about 4 p.m. Get 2nd email saying I may have been approved for a new BMR apartment at One Haight. So submit documents to them as well. In ’til about 5 p.m. Walk to W.P. Eduardo and new guy at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Go to sit on seat in back. Woman wouldn’t remove her foot where I wanted to sit. So I sat in front. Didn’t know how to react, so I just got off at my usual stop as if nothing had happened. (*Relates to first dream of August 10, I think.) Insight: Shaking with Cree ’cause I was standing on my own two feet?

August 11 dream:  Try to take pee. Only toilet is in kitchen and father and daughter are eating there.

August 11 dream:  Room was made for protest in the paper and a few shelves of store.

August 11 dream:  Go to park. Get truck to car. Would like to shower. Am told there’s a shower up the way but you have to get naked. See few guys walking down with not much on. Think that looks interesting.

August 10, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Justin and Eduardo and new guy at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa. First bus too full. Take second bus. See Peter. We talk on way out. I tell him about the Danish movie Queen of Hearts. He recommends Danish movie Another Round. Nolan at W.F. Write “My God!” for BB. Cry like baby watching YouTube video of “Let the Sunshine In” from Hair.

August 10 dream:  Kidnapped by strange, violent family. After much taunting, I finally jump from 2nd story kitchen into living room. One guy dressed up in uniform of old-fashioned policeman starts hitting me with a billy club. I say, “You’ve go a lot of gall.” There are two others but I wake up. (*Relates to woman on #43 on August 11, I think.)

August 10 dream:  Hanging out with girl who kept getting together with other guys. Finally she just took off with me. Get back to treatment center. Touched a girl’s left ear and apologized. She didn’t mind.

August 9 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Run into actor Jim (*See diary of July 7.) He’s reading “Richard III,” getting ready for returning to his second year at Scotland Academy of Dramatic Arts. He said the roles they play will not be gender specific. I asked him which female role he would like to play. He said Anne from Richard III. I told him how excited I was about the Danish movie Queen of Hearts. (*Relates to shits from hier about 5:30 p.m.?) Up Ulloa. #43 home. Watch Unbroken in p.m. I cried when Japanese tell prisoners that “your President Roosevelt is dead.”

August 9 dream:  It’s a one unit class. And it’s the last day of class. I’m not sure what’s due. But it’s supposed to be mailed out today. I ask male teacher and spill “God” (a clear liquid) on his legs. (h.o.)

August 9 dream:  Inside German war zone at camp for wives of Nazi officers. We make friends with them. Try to convince them that their lives are worth something.

August 9 dream:  Working at newspaper office. Trying to get author’s correct name or at least the name he uses on his books. Need to make sure the name he uses on his copyright is the same.

August 9 dream:  My two co-workers ask me the importance of a tuba in a marching band and ask if they can ever go out of formation. I say they are very important and are always in formation of some sort unless they’re showboating. I get up to leave. As I pass their desks, they give me a beautiful new cell phone and aerial of some sort.

August 9 dream:  Clair Gold in hot outfit at Sunday Meeting. We (the trustees) decided we could remove our masks now. I think, “We never should have worn them.”

August 8, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Eduardo at Peet’s. No Justin. After, black gay guy gives me knowing look. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Shits at 5:30 p.m. when I get home. Insight: Invention of my fame as a dissociation from my mother’s murder? Undissociation was the J&J pause?

August 8 dream:  Arrangement made for there to be a corporate Democrat V.P and a progressive President.

August 8 dream:  Agree to take my lunch with Jim Renza rather than going to place to let them know about the election.

August 7, 2021:  World Work Translation Group at 11 a.m. 5 of us on Zoom. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Get second helping of DVDs just so I could get a smile out of sweet librarian, which I did. Walked to G.P. Lee there. Daniel at C.B. about to close. Walk to Safeway. See painted rock which says, “Free from Suffering.” Makes me happy. Patrick at Safeway deli overfills my small potato salad container. I ask other worker there if red, white and blue potato salad includes bacon. He says he thinks it does. I say, “Well, I think I’m going to cheat anyhow.” He says, “Who wouldn’t? It’s bacon!” Makes me laugh. Check out with guy who is attractive, but somehow we haven’t connected yet. In Schubiner meditation in p.m., somebody being wheeled out on hospital gurney. Thane is there. Then realize Thane may want me to say something. Watched Queen of Heart in p.m. Excellent Danish movie about stepmother who has relationship with her under-age stepson. It was excellent.

August 7 dream:  Leaving Saratoga house. Have certificate. (h.o.)

August 7 dream:  A big old department store downtown is closing? Find raccoons and other animals in storage bins. (h.o.)

August 7 dream:  Person going through a purifying process. He playfully approaches his wife. She has 2nd thoughts about not allowing him near.

August 7 dream:  “No man can enter heaven but by me,” guy says.

August 7 dream:  “The first 10 minutes” is quiet.

August 7 dream:  “A thousand years of service.”

August 6, 2021:  Guy calls saying his name is Dr. Gilbert. Says his pager gave him my number. I say, “Maybe you are looking for John Pinkerton.” He says, “Who’s that?” I say, “He’s an alias, a nom de plume, for John H*******.”  He says, I don’t know who that is either.” I say, “Nobody does.” He says, “Sorry to take up your time.” I say, “No problem.” In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Justin comes in, I think. Not sure it’s him. He looks different. Up Ulloa to M.S. “Sir Allen” avoids me. #43 home. Insight:  Watch Lost Horizon. Get chills watching the movie. Then realize if I can create chills I can also create body pains, etc. And if I can create body pains, etc., I can uncreate them.

August 6 dream:  I pay all my debts and I still have a lot of money in my wallet. Take off from the farm for a while. Small wooden box follows me and tries to intimidate me. I kick it. (*Relates to insight from August 6?)

August 6 dream:  Orca whale is caught and hooked up, slightly deflated, on deck of boat. (*Relates to insight from August 6?)

August 6 dream:  Woman model sitting across from me. I see her pictured in many photos in the newspaper I’m reading. She says she’s having a tough time at work and asked if I was. I was about to deny. Then remembered I was. Later big dark guy comes to our hose. Says he’s going to kill us. Then Tom C. appears in the doorway with a weapon.

August 5, 2021:  In ’til 2ish. Take #29 and #38 to VA. Cute Asian guy gets on #29. I switch seats to get a better view of him. After a while, I notice he has painted fingernails. That excites me. After he gets off, he stays standing at the bus stop. See “Past Perfect.” VA appointment with Alex in Neurology. He is very cute and sweet. I say at the end of our session, “I hope I see you again.” He says a friend of his recently moved to the Ingleside neighborhood. Walk down to Balboa Street. See “Pitch Perfect.” Go to Simple Pleasures Café. Meet very cute young baristo. He is brown-haired with blond streaks. He found the banana nut bread I asked for and said he prefers the lemon bread. I say, “That’s too sweet for me.” He says, “Yeah, it is sweet…like me.” I make a point of saying good-bye to him. #29 home.

August 5 dream:  In early session of economics class. We had to decide which kind of economics we wanted to write about. Most of us needed more info. I had to leave early. Ate some chocolate.

August 5 dream:  Spill a whole bunch of aspirin and coffee(?). Start picking it up.

August 4, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Talk with Ladi at C.S. Reading Room again. He prints something out for me. Justin at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa. Just miss bus. Catch next #43. Peter is sitting in back. We talk and walk and talk, mostly about the Delta variant. Insight: Sex is not that important to me. This insight makes me feel horrible. Like I’m a failure of a person. Then angry.

August 4 dream:  Filing out forms with loopholes (h.o.)

August 4 dream:  Deposed president. I try to take him to safety. We go into nearest closet. People immediately know he’s there. And pound on the walls.

August 3, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. See J-lookalike on bike on Ocean Avenue. Go to G.P. Lee’s father wearing Hawaiian shirt. I asked him if they are going to Hawaii. He does a little hula for me. C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 home. See Peter. Talk with him about the Giants game he went to. Follow hot looking guy in T-shirt into W.F. Walking out, he bends over to pick something up for my benefit. Meet 2nd Isaiah on way out. Shits at 6 p.m. on arriving home. Insight: Me standing up to beautiful men (*see diary of August 2) is like me standing up to my father. (Both my father and beautiful men had or have power over me.) Just ’cause you can take something doesn’t mean you should. Just ’cause you can do something doesn’t mean you should.

August 3 dream:  Visit England and France. Think of moving there. Then Chris H. visits us in N.Y. As he leaves, I walk him out. Then I’m on a bus with him and I see that all the people there are dead. I break open a window. Green slime spills down (h.o.)

August 2, 2021:  Get up early and can’t get back to sleep. Shits just before heading out the door at about 11:30 a.m. for therapy appointment. At end of appointment, my therapist was talking about internalized homophobia as an aspect of my psychological makeup. I finally realized that the reason I didn’t affirm all the opportunities I’ve had for sex with beautiful men in my life is indeed because of internalized homophobia. Not on my part, but on the part of the beautiful men offering me sex. What these men were offering me was not sex as the culmination of a relationship, but sex without any relationship at all. And that’s pretty homophobic. As if that’s all we deserve. All we can expect. All we can hope for. And the condemnation I feared with many of these invitations for sex was not from God, not from my father, but from my own internalized voices demanding conformity with the standards which I knew were expected of me if I wanted to be accepted as a member of the community. So that’s a big deal. Walk to Starbucks at 18th Street and Castro. Then passed J’s bar and walked up Market to #43 bus stop. #43 home. Take nap.

August 2 dream:  Job ending soon. My female boss is going off, too, She wants to wish us lives of dwarfism. She’s about to explain.

August 2 dream:  At new job as secretary, my new young male bosses squeeze into my small office. They say, “Guess what? You’re not bankrupting the company and the girls (the other secretaries) are out.”

August 1, 2021:  Insight: Realize that what I’m really afraid of is not COVID, not he vaccine, but my own sexuality. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. 7-week-old pit bull makes love to my legs. 7-month-old German Shepard hugs me. Both on San Benito Avenue. It’s Jerry Garcia Day at Peet’s W.P. They’re playing his records on a phonograph. On exiting, see young man reading a book. I say, “Is that a good book?” He says, “I don’t really like science fiction.” It’s called Pietro Maestro or something like that. It feels like the conversation is over, so I leave…very happy. Walk up Ulloa. Take #43 home. Hear guy in back seat of the bus say to girl on the other side, “Is that a good book?” Start Week 4 of Schubiner work.

August 1 dream:  Spending evening alone in big old Saratoga house. Watched TV with no commercials. At about 11:30 p.m. started to feet unsafe.

July 31, 2021:  Talk with Heather in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Lee at G.P. Daniel at C.B. Walk to Safeway. Nur not there. Walk home.

July 31 dream:  Driving up the coast. Run out of gas about half way.

July 30, 2021:  Sarah calls at 2ish.  In ’til 3ish. Shits at 3ish. Walk to W.P. Little Asian boy holds out his hand for me to high-5 which I do. Go to Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa. Hear and see hawk. Go to M.S. See beautiful young man with dark hair and red hoodie on walk to bus stop. #43 home. Insight: I’m not terrified of the vaccine. I’m terrified of my sexuality. (*Relates to last dream of July 29? And relates to some of the dreams of July 30?)

July 30 dream:  I roll a 7 and an 11.

July 30 dream:  As I leave the house, General Curtis LeMay talks to me about how much smoke there is in the air and in the house.

July 30 dream:  Black guy looking on in triumph at intersection.

July 30 dream:  Set up person selling dresses.

July 30 dream:  I save two sunny-side up eggs. Woman says she can take them home with her and then she sticks her fingers in the yolks.

July 29, 2012:  Rough nite last nite. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Talk to Ladi at C.S. Reading Room. My happy baristo at Peet’s. I learn his name is Justin. I think I’ve found my new café. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. Memory: Remember girl in mediation group about 10 years ago who came on to me. I demurred ’cause I thought it might jeopardize my friendship with Bob M.

July 29 dream:  Nancy finds my water-logged checkbook on the ground underneath bench and says, “And that’s where your value is as well.”

July 29 dream:  Dream of things aligning.

July 28, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. My happy baristo at Peet’s. I talk with him briefly. He is beautiful, biracial and friendly to everyone. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Blond guy suddenly walks thru two parked buses. I watch him walk away. And eventually follow him. Have to run to catch up. I ask him an inane question, “Where does this street lead to?” He repeats my question. I said, “Yes.” He said, “It leads to Monterey and then to Glen Park.” I said, “Oh, okay.. Thanks.” But a lot of unspoken communication went on underneath those inane words. (*Relates to last dream of April 7, I think.) I was so excited by my interaction with this young man that I went home and jerked off. This time with no blood. Insight: Realize my pain may be a rite of initiation.

July 28 dream:  Everybody masked up in grocery store. Woman asks me what I think of Joe Biden. I start describing another Joe. And have to go back and think about Biden. (h.o.)

July 28 dream:  Spending the nite at Barty Bram’s. Take shower in a.m. Can’t find clean towel. Barry suggested we all go without clothes in the bathroom.

July 28 dream:  Walking down Market at nite after a big event. Run into J-lookalike. He isn’t J. he asks me for a cigarette. About to go into store. Then don’t. Run into two gay guys I saw in church earlier in the day. I help them slide a bed frame down some stairs in the apartment below which has a beautiful view of S.F.

July 28 dream:  See Bernie at train or bus station. He just had work done on his eyes so he can’t see. I say, “Hello. I saw you earlier in the day.” He says, “I can’t see. Tell me what you look like.”

July 27, 2021:  Video showing black guy on bike coming into Chinatown and telling the Chinese to go home. One Asian guy knocked him to the ground. Made me feel great! In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear hawk on exiting. Hear hawk on Amber Drive. #43 home. Schubiner work day 17.

July 27 dream:  Me and Tom doing janitorial work at Catholic Church. Tom says he thinks he’ll give some of his money to them ’cause they do good work. I see a couple of mice. Then 3 or 4 big nice who are not intimated by my kicking. Earlier: Me peeing.

July 27 dream:  Continue on path. Pass goats. It’s wetter now. Lots of young school boys in royal blue tops jumping off cliff. I’m just trying to find my way down.

July 26, 2021:  Therapy session at 12:30. Walk home via Market and have coughing and sneezing fit. See hot guy with tats and muscles at Duboce. He looks hard at me and vice versa. Then see young Asian-ish guy at upper Market parklet. Go to 18th Street Starbucks. Lock eyes with cute Asian baristo. Walk by J’s bar. See Spike’s baristo on Market. He smiles at me. Try to catch up with cute young Asian guy wearing shorts near Portola and Clipper Streets. #48 and #43 home. Stop by W.F. See Nolan in bakery. Then run into Javier on the floor. He doesn’t look as interesting or as cute as when I first met him on July 24. Get help finding curry from Isaiah. Get several calls from anonymous source. Insight: I’m not trying to hide that I’m having sex with others but that I’m doing something–anything–for myself, to admit to myself and others that I have desires of my own.

July 26 dream:  Girl has miniature of camp she used to go to.

July 26 dream:  Spend day t my cousin’s house. One of the women there has been diagnosed with AIDS.

July 25, 2021:  Break blood bluster while jerking off. Gives me bloody dick. I’m sure it means something. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. No banana bread (or cute baristos) at Peets W.P. Walk on to M.S. Portola. Follow guy in store. Give up on him. Go to Starbucks Portola for the first time since June 4 when I was asked not to make personal comments about Anthony’s tight pants. Same barista who told me this came up to me at 5:45 and said, “We’re closing in 15 minutes.” #43 home. Meet Patrick from Safeway deli. We talk briefly.

July 25 dream:  Jumping into icy pool to get campaign button. May have smelled one as well.

July 25 dream:  We (me and Viv Harmon from Maude) get the check (for $100,000) to the man who’s going to cash it at the Bank of Mexico. We in N.Y go under Grand Central Station. Big black guy in floor-length dress gives us eclair. We say, “Now what?”

July 25 dream:  “It is my turn.”

July 25 dream:  A boy and his pet black bear are caught in a potential fire in a parking structure that wasn’t here 30 years ago. I was noticing beautiful couples and wondering if I would cherish J.?

July 24, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then see Lee at G.P Then Daniel at C.B. Then walk to Safeway. Nor there at first in white T-shirt looking very hot. But by the time I get to checkout, he was gone. #43 home. Meet Javiier, who works at W.F., as I approach my back door. He’s very friendly. Says he’s 22 and that I can always find him in the kitchen. I tell him I live upstairs. We bump elbows. Insight: How could I be so sexual and still be a man of God? Or a famous President? Or a Nobel Laureate? 2nd insight: My pain keeps me from having a big head. 3rd insight: If I get a big head, my father will kill me. 4th insight: “Sex” with my father and “sex” with Nancy was simply capitulation.

July 24 dream:  Telling my body to stop hurting. And it follow my direction like a whack-a-mole.

July 24 dream:  My female boss says there is a news story at Macy’s and if I jump out the window right now I can cover it.

July 24 dream:  Was over at Bill and Mary Floyd’s house. Had an emergency. Had to deliver man and several dogs out of oven-like womb. Later going to several restos and being told to change seats and wait.

July 24 dream:  Just now realizing that the glass I swallowed in my youth may be damaging to me now.

July 23, 2021:  Shits at 1:30ish. Realize “3 weeks” from April 6 may relate to “week 3” of the Schubiner work. Walk to W.P. Nice-looking young man in Adidas running pants on Miramar Street. Happy, good-looking baristo at Peet’s W.P. I smile at him. Watch him jump up and down in happiness while waiting for something to eat. Meet new author (Mastering Your Role as a Nonprofit Manager). Made me think that I might be next to get my first book published. As I leave Peet’s I say, “Thanks” to happy baristo. Walk up Ulloa. Hear guy say, “What are the odds?” See “Wonder.” #43 home. Run into Peter for the 2nd day in a row. We talk on bus and after.

July 23 dream:  Me and another man sitting at a table. I’m trying to animate him. (*Means: I seduced my father to bring him out of his state of torpor after my mother’s death?)

July 23 dream:  … man has a gun and a table. I take away the gun.

July 23 dream:  Go to group meeting which tries to drown out your emotions so you can hand out literature. Meet Bob Labansat there. Say hi. Then come back to get his phone number. Group says I should come back tomorrow nite again. Trish Haines comes up to Bob and hugs him. Bob suggests we go out for ice cream.

July 23 dream:  Rent a studio apt. in Santa Cruz for a month. I had planned to move there but not at that place.

July 23 dream:  Taking Tom C. home from some event. I told him I rented an apt. in Santa Cruz for a month.

July 22, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Then stop in at Peets. See two very cute baristos. Get happy. Think I’ll go there next time. Walk up Ulloa. Think, “I’d do anything to stop this pain.” Then realize that’s probably what I thought about my father as well. Older man, who looks somewhat like my father, smiles at me. Find Granville Street (*See diary of July 9.) Hear hawk. #43 home. See Peter after several weeks of not seeing him. We talk on bus and after we get off. He told me he went to Willkommen bar on Market Street.

July 22 dream:  Wondering if the ocean would let me bob on its surface. Trying to pack up to leave Liz’s before mountain lion comes down and attacks me. Laurie sits on my stuff. I try to grab her finger and she pulls away. She says, “You can’t get me” and I can’t seem to.

July 22 dream:  I’m not feeling well. Woman tries to help me. I’m laying on my back. My hair is messed up. I say to her, “Give me a little dignity.”

July 22 dream:  Moved back in for apartment painting on showroom floor. Carol Carter asks if I want coffee. I say, “Yes. But pour it in the cereal boxes.” She poured it on the cereal boxes. I say, “Never mind.” See big DIARY.

July 21, 2021:  Rough nite last nite. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Then up Ulloa. See “The roots run deep.” Later see good-looking Asian man and young boy. Lock eyes with Asian guy. Then walk up to #43 bus stop. The bus just passes. So I decide to go down Ulloa again and check out my Asian friend. This time he ignores me. Realize this is what happened with my father. It isn’t that he sexually assaulted me. It’s that he stopped sexually assaulting me. At first there is interest, but then he ignores me. So for the rest of my life I feel I am not good enough, not attractive enough. Which explains why I always go out of my way to let other men feel that they are beautiful enough. Also explains the tulpa from July 16. The universe is taking a stand and letting me know that I am attractive. I am manly. I am beautiful. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think. Also, to falling down on upper Market on July 19?) So I could never have sex with the men who offered ’cause my father said I wasn’t attractive enough. And if I wanted to retain my father’s love, I’d have to honor his view of reality. And if I dared, like with Cree, my father would get me.

July 21 dream:  I’m gong to be part of the show. Maybe doing the “Money Money Money” song. (h.o.)

July 21 dream:  Talking to miniature statue of me standing on my hands. In a church.

July 21 dream:  49ers lose 38-5 with poor attendance. Edith Bunker wants her voices back.

July 21 dream:  My boss leaning over me, giving me a hard time. Rumors of law firm I’m working at splitting up. Also rumors of a pay raise to $100,000 or $160,000.

July 20, 2021:  Shits at 3ish. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Then walk up Ulloa to M.S See “Sir Allen.” Walk away. Then walk back and ask him if they have yogurt with lemon on the bottom. He’s very helpful. Later woman crossing Portola smiles at me. #43 home. Two beautiful young skateboarders get off. I get off six stops early so I can witness them skateboarding down Monterrey. Which I do. Get next #43 home. Schubiner day 11 unsent letter to Sara W. (and my mother).

July 20 dream:  Walk thru building where gym used to be. See several familiar faces. Some still very cute. As I exit, guy walks up to me and says, “So how are we going to get rid of Nixon?”

July 19, 2021:  Leave about 11:30 for therapy appointment downtown. Good-looking guy at Castro Muni Metro Station who didn’t get on the train. Therapy with Troy at 12:30. He seemed really hung up on the experience I had with a tulpa at C.B. on July 16. (*See first dream of July 18.) Walk home via Castro. Stop at 18th Street Starbucks. Do crossword puzzle. Walk up 18th Street. As I’m thinking that the young man and his dog refusing to go to his (the dog’s) place of trauma (the mailbox) related to my terror last night trying to get to sleep. (*See diary of July 18.) Guy smiles at me as I am thinking this. Walk up Market. Slip and fall on upper Market. #43 home. Nice old guy and I talk about Hemingway, Steinbeck, Salinger, etc.

July 19 dream:  Moving everything out right now. Somebody says if we’d planned this right, we could have moved out according to Jesus’s teachings. (h.o.)

July 19 dream:  Someone trying to interpret three dreams at the same time. One involved a black man, one with someone with a COVID mask on.

July 18, 2021:  Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. Realize hier’s J&J warning triggered a panic attack and may have been intentional on the part of Infinite Mind to get me to look at something in me that I need to throw out (i.e., panic attacks). In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Then up Ulloa to L.H. Blvd. See young man and his dog. He tells me that his 4-month-old dog is afraid of the mailbox ’cause of something that probably happened when he was a puppy. #43 home. Two guys get on. After they are seated, I look back. The younger one gets excited, only for a brief moment. I follow them out at my stop. They turn on loud rap music. Insight: Felt leg weakening on my walk to W.P. Later realized I was just being “obedient” to what the authorities expected the symptoms would be for the latest J&J warning. Then the leg weakening stopped.

July 18 dream:  TYT’s John Iadorola at his previous job wearing a cloth on his head. Alleyways of S.F. Resto named the Pyramid. I think S.F. was great in those old days. I have car I was driving. It was a car stolen by a woman friend of mine, baby blue. I thought, “She shouldn’t do that…steal cars.” Car got hit. I continue running. I’m running near church at night. Old man, the rector, in his robes, goes to unlock his church door. I think, “It must be nice to be able to talk about God and never have to confront Him.” I slip on wet sidewalks and fall into the air. I think I better Translate. So I start in: “Truth is that which is so. That which is not Truth is not so. Therefore Truth is all that is.” A voice says, “What’s the matter?” And I say, “We never did talk about . . .“ I land on the grass near a train track. The train stops. I get up. The conductor sees that I’m okay. And the train starts up again. (*Relates to my therapist’s non-acceptance of the experience I had with a tulpa at C.B. on July 16. My therapist was the rector in the dream, I think.)

July 18 dream:  Man drives me up to Stanford. The mature Stanford. Very nice area of S.F. I was folding blanket. I asked him where the nearest commercial area was. He got on top of me, sitting on me, facing me. Tried to put his finger in my butt. I said, “Don’t.” Then I thought, “Oh, this guy’s going to rape. me.” There was someone to my right side. (*Relates to my father “raping” me back in our Menlo Park home?)

July 17, 2021:  Read about new J&J warning in a.m. It freaks me out (again). And just a day after I had cancelled the VA appointment and then play acted what might have transpired there. Translation group at 11 a.m. Sarah calls after. Haircut appointment at 3 p.m. with Jun. I showed him a photo of a shirtless Asian model in Out magazine and asked if it was him. He said yes and went talked about how how much they paid him and how much they would have paid without pants and without underpants. It was fun. Sarah called again, just as I was leaving. Brenden at Safeway. Walk home. Do Day 8 of Schubiner work. Very helpful.

July 17 dream:  Running out of food at big catering service.

July 17 dream:  Cat looks in window. I put my nose to the window hoping to scare him off. He jumps in through the upper open part of the window.

July 16, 2021:  Cancelled VA neurological appointment. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Copy Edge. Cute Asian guy on Ocean coming and going. Then Excelsior library. Think about cancelling my VA appointment. Think maybe I should play act what might have happened. Woman smiles at me. In my play act, VA says, “We don’t know what causes your pain. We just want to block it.” Then G.P. Then C.B. Daniel baristo. I sit next to middle-aged woman. She makes me feel really attractive. Uncomfortable, but really attractive. As she leaves, she smiles slyly. Also, the woman who left looked different from the woman I sat next to. Walk to G.C.P. See “Out of thin air.” #43 home. See “Healthier days ahead.” Watch The Good Lord Bird video in p.m. (*Relates to July 10 dream about it snowing in Kansas.) Note to God: I’m not up to the task. Don’t know what the task is exactly, but I’m not up to it.

July 16 dream:  Working in factory. Cleaning up actually. Calvin said I could have some of his lettuce. Then he put it someplace I couldn’t locate. Brief alarm. Nobody panicked. I question young girl about what she did. Then I say to others, “I keep forgetting she’s a young woman.” They say that’s okay.

July 16 dream:  Judge appointing a jury.

July 15, 2021:  In ’til 1ish. Take K to dental appointment. Walk back thru Castro. Unintentionally walk toward J’s bar. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) Walk to C.B. in G.P. Cute young Asian guy reading Game of Thrones. We talk briefly. He leaves immediately after we finish talking. BART & #29 home.

July 15 dream:  Working for British government as a secretary. Didn’t know who my boss was. Was finally given letter to type.

July 14, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk out apartment. Guy at apartment front door. I didn’t want to let him in so I leave via another door. Feed bad about it. Then run into beautiful dark-haired skateboarder, who I cruise mercilessly. (*Relates to hawks from hier, I think.) Walk on to Starbucks W.P. Seamus from Starbucks Portola there. Also Asian baristo. Then up Ulloa. Get suspicious call from “Our Revolution.” (*Relates to dead rat from hier?) Hear hawk on Ulloa. #43 home. Day 6 Schubiner work. Insight: My fear that I will be famous. Also, the J&J “pause” an act of God? Or at least what God would be like if I was Him/Her.

July 14 dream:  Woman kicks us out of spiritual organization we have all part of. Literally, tears us out of book.

July 14 dream:  Young coyote is …. Dripping liquid from his eyes and nose. Even young deer it is chasing is concerned. Coyote says something about young boy.

July 14 dream:  Opening a New Age book store. One of my readers is writing a detective story. I say, “Perhaps she should write another.”

July 13, 2021:  Insight: My desire to stay good looking is so I’ll still be of value to my father. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean. Turn around a couple of times for beautiful Asian man. Then stand behind young black man with tight pants and wonderful ass at W.G. Before I leave I check him out again. Walk up San Benito. Check out guy in muscle T-shirt and then I see hawk overhead. Followed by 2nd hawk. Go to Starbucks W.P. Up Ulloa. See dead rat in street. Go to M.S. Portola. Check out with Ed (my “haircut” friend). Insight: Pain throughout my body relates to God and my father trying to keep their hooks in me? Day 5 of Schubiner work. At end, see flash of white light. It kind of scares me.

July 13 dream:  Last nite at a gay camp of sorts. We were learning gay history. (h.o.)

July 13 dream:  We have moved into a new house after our Saratoga house. Harriet says we’re going to make this a real nice one, too. Dad is out in the driveway in his wheelchair. Guy in car in gravel driveway. I think that if he attacks, I’ll put myself between him and my father. My father heads over to a neighbor’s house.

July 12, 2021:  Take K to therapy appointment. Meet cute hooded, then unhooded, traveler across the aisle from me. I follow him to front of train. Then he moves to be closer to me. Then he gives me the look. Later hot cop in W.G. who yawns when I start checking him out. Good, not great, therapy session. #38 to Balboa Street. Little boy wearing “Unstoppable” T-shirt. Self-observation on #38. Saw myself turn on my phone but without my usual grandiosity, self-congratulation. Wondered if I could survive without. Think I could. Cute, hot guy I cruise at Cielito Lindo resto. He gives me hard look back. I smile. Then on to La Promenade Café. Then VA. Read more from Self Observation book. Cute Pakistani(?) doctor who said, “You’ve got the healthiest ear I’ve seen today.“ Standing next to me, his doctor pants feel like satin. Doc lets me look at video of my inner ear and nose. It’s amazing. Certainly something I had nothing to do with. #38 and #43 home. Day 4 of Schubiner work. Realize my body pains may be my father still trying to keep his hooks in me.

July 12 dream:  At about 4:45 librarian bills me $20. I say, “You’re going to close soon and you want $20 for the last 2 hours.” She says, “Yes.” I say, “And when do I reopen? At 5:20.” Earlier I mentioned being suicidal.

July 11, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Cute baristo still there. Also very nice barista. Walk up Yerba Buena to Monterey to Safeway. Check out with Nur even though he is “15 items or less” and I had over 30 items. He said he’d be taking a vacation in Palm Springs on Wednesday for a week. I said, “So I guess I won’t see you next Sunday.” He said, “But I’ll be back on Wednesday.” I think Nur is hot for me. #43 home. Day 3 of Schubiner work. Insight: Realize that my mother’s death was my Joseph being thrown into the pit moment. Followed by my refusal to have sex with Mrs. Potifer (several times). 2nd Insight: Being a slut is a lot more fun than being in a pit.

July 11 dream:  About 20 people attend workshop after class of about 100. Tom C. there. Also Nannie. Woman asks us to form two lines.

July 11 dream:  New York City during Vietnam War. Guy tries to attack me and a co-worker with a knife. I think my friend had a gun. Woman gets over loud speaker and talks anti-war.

July 11 dream:  Getting ready to go to dance. Accidentally pee on my shirt. Have to change it. My parents come in. And my grandmother. They want to “help.” They say I can’t just take my meals and eat them in my room. I say, “That’s your other son.” My grandmother says something about living with shyness. I agree with her.

July 10, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Call for (from?) John Pinkerton. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) In ’til 3ish. As I walk outside, see beautiful old, classic silver Rolls-Royce being driven by two men of color. I fantasize about being picked up by them, being stripped of my clothes and raped. I put up a good fight but I’m excited at the same time. After I climax, they throw me and my clothes out. Insight: Why I’m mad at God. (*See RHS of hier.) “You never told me about sex!!!” Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Daniel at C.B. really glad to see me. And vice versa. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 home. Day 2 of Schubiner work. Realize connection between the J&J pause and my father’s remarriage.

July 10 dream:  Chris H. and Calvin at fancy home. When my work was done, I went home. (h.o.)

July 10 dream:  I move to Kansas. Work on paper 9-5. It snows. I go to lunch.

July 9, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Talk with Nelson at W.G. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Cute Asian baristo there gives me my drink. Walk up Ulloa. Woman asks me if I know where Granville is. I think she was on Granville. Hear and see hawk near tree tops. Woman says, “Good luck with that.” I say, Thanks.” See “shakeup.” #43 home. Lock eyes with beautiful young man as I exit on my cell phone and he enters bus. Day 1 of Schubiner work. RHS God!!!

July 9 dream:  I drive into drive-in resto. Order meal. Guy walks into my car asking for ice water. I say, “Come on in. Stay a while.” He leaves.

July 8, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Visit with Nelson at W.G. Then go to Peets W.P. Then up Ulloa. Run into beautiful androgynous biracial person near W.P. Station. He smiled at me. I just kind of looked at him in awe. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Listened to Schubiner in p.m.

July 8 dream:  Watching movie. End up having to sit next to guy I’m mad at. He starts talking to me. I say, “I’m not talking to you.” Later get up for something.

July 8 dream:  Looking at things from great height. Driverless VW bug driving around.

July 8 dream:  In Translation, words lose their meaning over time. Girls in audience getting all doe-eyed over male singer.

July 7, 2021:  Shits at 3ish. Ingleside library. Walk to W.P. Go to Peets. Meet young man reading “Romeo & Juliet.” He says he’s a first year student at the Scottish Academy of Dramatic Arts. Walk to M.S. Portola. See “Sir Allen” and he seems me. I say to myself: “Let there be Truth Consciousness.” Insight: The place of ecstasy which I remember coming from might just have been the womb, not necessarily God. 2nd insight: Not just my fear of God which stopped me, but also my certainty of fame.

July 7 dream:  Ask a co-worker if we make files for positive cases. (h.o.)

July 7 dream:  I say to wealthy woman preparing for gala evening, “Are you ready for your big event?” She says, “I have to move a refrigerator to Edmonton first.” Then she talks about FDR, saying, “This is why he put science at the head.”

July 6, 2021:  Insight: Being a child of God means staying a child of God. 2nd insight: Perhaps my fear and trembling from April 19 was not fear of my father, but fear of God, or at least my childish idea of God. Got call at 9ish while my phone was turned off. Called back but was unable to get through. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. Walk to G.P. Then C.B. Sudoku there. Walk thru G.C.P., RHSing God all the way. #48 and #43 home. More insights: I have a mission from God but I don’t know what it is or what i’m allowed. Also: I remember the place I came from as being some sort of ecstasy. Did I make up my idea of God as just being a bigger version of my father? If so, no wonder I’m afraid of Him. Also: According to my understanding of my father and of my God, I can be anybody’s bitch, but I can’t be my own man.

July 6 dream:  I’m drinking with Laurie. She says of Harriet, her mother and my step-mother, “She’s got more control over us now then she ever did.”

July 6 dream:  Put long biscuit down bathtub drain. Dog gets it. I separate the two, but now I have a nice, cute dog.

July 6 dream:  Sitting in car. See hawk. Then yeti. Then two yetis. Then their two kids. Car comes up to us. Tries to get in back door which has a double lock, meaning we have to lock it twice. Guy gets door open, though he’s so close to our car that he can’t open it.

July 6 dream:  Cheryl C. leaves our table just as she arrives.

July 5, 2021:  Insight: My feeling of disloyalty to Thane by pursing A Course in Miracles relates to my “disloyalty” to God by loving John or anyone else. Therapy appointment at 12:30 with Troy. Remarkable session. We discussed the word omerta, the Mafia term for being a silent witness to a crime. At first, I thought it related to my keeping silent about my father’s physical or psychological abuse/misuse of me. During discussion I realized that the real silent pledge I had made was with God. And I dare not break that pledge or risk His wrath, or at least my childhood understanding of His wrath. Also that my image of God was a lot more anthropomorphic than I had thought. After session, walked to J’s place on Geary. The front door was open so I went upstairs. Knocked on door. No response. Left little pink note on table outside his apartment letting him know I had stopped by. (*Relates to shits form hier, I think.) Walk on to Starbucks 18th Street. Beautiful young man with beautiful ass walks in with elderly woman. He commands the attention of everyone in the place, or maybe it was just me. But I put everything down ’til they left. Walked up Market to #43 home. Realize body pain is my childhood’s concept of God saying to me, “You’re mine! Don’t think about loving anybody else!” Insight: Do I think of God as Hitler? (*See first dream of July 3. Also shaking with Cree, etc.) What gave me such a bad impression of God? Maybe the murder of my mother, my sexually abusive father, my step-family?

July 5 dream:  New design on sidewalk outside W.G. Ocean Avenue.

July 4, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Buy Sunday paper. Feel shitty. Walk home. Take shits. Leave home again. Meet new guy moving onto 3rd floor. Very nice. He says his girlfriend’s helping him move in. Walk to Safeway. Check out with Nur. He tells me he’s trying to go from 165 to 150 lbs. and build himself up from there. I think he’s too small already. #43 home.

July 4 dream:  Sleeping with some guys in a bed. I say, “it’s important what bed you sleep in. My bed’s not all that comfortable.” Young couple climb through the window. (h.o.)

July 4 dream:  We are … talking about defending Jesus and other religious leaders. I say, “Do you think Jesus needed defending?” Then add, “Well, he did get crucified.”

July 4 dream:  I say, “I’m not a good person.” (Therefore I don’t deserve John, etc.)

July 4 dream:  I’ve been on a long journey. Someone gave me a 6 foot pole.

July 4 dream:  Group of us gathered around to speak. I spoke. Some were funny. Some serious. Harvey Milk puts a book of photos on my crotch. Then on my stomach. Final guy got up and spoke about “our friend the rope.”

July 3, 2021:  Translation group at 9 a.m. Later listen to women speaking to Senator Ron Johnson (who’s about as empathetic as a fox in a hen house) on YouTube about the negative reactions they have experienced from taking the COVID vaccine. These women said, above all that they wanted to be listened to, that they wanted to be believed. But I would guess that this is not something new in their lives. That they have always wanted to be listened to, to be believed. And have not been. And that perhaps  these symptoms are just the latest (and most dramatic) manifestation of this desire. Same could be said of me. Perhaps they (and me) are hanging on to their (my) symptoms as proof of injury (injustice) in order to get somebody to finally listen to them (me) and to believe them (me). Finish online work. Take nap. Walk to Excelsior library. Then up Monterey. Buy lotto tickets. #43 home. Beautiful dark-haired guy at W.F. bakery department. Checkout with cute Asian guy named Min.

July 3 dream:  Woman gives me sedative after taking out whatever is in my ear. I say, “I wish you’d ask.” It’s Monday and we’re expecting Hitler and others to attend press conference on how to bring about peace. I want to make sure it gets in the gay papers on Thursday. Later realize that Hitler is probably dead and not going to show up.

July 3 dream:  Take BART to southern California. Try to get on train to Cal State Long Beach. Crazy old woman in wig is after me. My heart is pounding.

July 3 dream:  I am refereeing a game of pool. As the game progresses, there are no pockets and the balls turn into pieces of fruit. At the end I say, “This is beyond my training to figure out who’s winning.”

July 2, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Feel bad. Walk to G.C.P. Then Sir Allen, Maggie and Ed (my Asian haircut friend) at M.S. Danny. #43 home. Meet Dominic reading “The 2000s Made Me Gay.” I say, “The ’60s made me gay.” We exchanged info. He’s a writer for Riffmagazine.com. Get anonymous call when I get home.

July 2 dream:  Guy wins scholarship for his photography. I also get an honorable mention but I only submitted one photo. Cute guy hanging around. I think there’s some things a photo can’t capture.

July 1, 2021:  Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 1:30. #49 to 450 Sutter medical building. Very nice cute guy I view from the bus at Mission and Ocean. Consider getting off the bus. ENT appointment at 3 p.m. Walk back via J’s place on Geary. Get anonymous call shortly after. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Walk to Starbucks on 18th Street. Sit down for a while. Lots of people in the Castro. Film crew takes movie of me crossing Castro, I think. K home. Cute gay couple holding hands on Ocean.

July 1 dream:  At barbecue.

July 1 dream:  Forming friendship with girl who thinks I’m straight and into her. Several of us on top of tall building with railing overlooking shallow pool below. I’m uneasy about it, but others are cool with it. One guy leaning on the railing.

July 1 dream:  Picking a car depends on your childhood.

June 30, 2021:  Fire alarm, internet goes down, front door is wet with new paint. Everything is falling apart. I ask myself: When has this happened before. Answer: My mother’s death. Later hear “Expect the Unexpected.” Cute painter holding door open during fire alarm. We smile. Shits just before leaving at 3:40ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Sudoku at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Then #43 home. More insight: Not just me who wanted to fix things ASAP. Whole family did.

June 30 dream:  I’m putting glasses on. Leave out a couple with ice water and ice. I’m identifying a crime scene, I think. (h.o.)

June 29, 2021:  Rough nite. Hallway painters start at 8:48 a.m., just as I’m getting to sleep. Do my online work. Take nap on cot in bathroom. (*See nap dream of June 29.) Take #49 to 888 O’Farrell to view $1899/month studio apartment at 2:30 p.m. See two stunning skateboarders on Van Ness. The cuter one avoids my glance. Nice Asian guy helps me find studio on 11th floor. I’m not impressed with apartment. Walk around Polk Street area. Looks worse than ever. Down Van Ness. Up Market. Left on Valencia. Cruise cute young U-hauler. Walk to 18th Street Starbucks. No place to sit. So I walk on to C.B. at G.P. Get there at 4:30. They close at 5. Sudoku smiles at me. Tall, nice guy with tight-fitting clothes comes in. I follow him out. Then follow him as far as San Jose Avenue. See police car. Take that as sign that I’ve followed him far enough. #49 home. Insight: my addiction is hypochondria ’cause I’ve been traumatized.

June 29 nap dream:  White stuff coming out of my ear.

June 29 dream:  Moving boxes at work. Talk to woman on my right. On my left is Bruce. He’s a foreign student from Germany. We talk. Then we begin kissing.

June 29 dream:  Went to strange conference. Guy who ran it understood himself sexually. I got a seat next to Marilyn D. Someone asked her what she felt about the possibility of me being fired from work.

June 28, 2021:  Painful leg cramp last nite. Therapy session at 12:30. Then walk to Castro. Guy yelling “Why did you do it?” out of car turning from Market onto Dolores. Starbucks on 18th Street. Beautiful, non-responsive man in colorful outfit in front of BofA. Walk up 19th Street. Then turn around to see beautiful man again. He’s gone. Pass by J’s bar. Take K home. 3.9 earthquake.

June 28 dream:  Shakesperean actress saying, “O, my lovely mother, she’s no longer here.” Everyone is sitting on the floor. I crawl up near Tom C. and someone else imitating the actress. “O, my lovely mother, she’s no longer here.” Make Tom laugh. He says, “Want to get together at 5:15?” I say, “Yes.” He says, “There may be somebody else with us.” I say, “Okay.”

June 27, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Talk with Joan at W.G. Go to Starbucks W.P. Sat inside! Walked up Monterey to Safeway. Check out with Nur. Student group filming a movie at Gennessee and Monterey. #43 home.

June 27 dream:  Woman wants to buy one of our store’s Mexican face masks. I look around but we’re all sold out. We had 3 or 4 hier.

June 27 dream:  Bernie very excited about going to see a singer. I think, “How can he be so happy? He’s old and ugly.”

June 26, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Cute guy on Staples taking with older man. I stare at him with love. He responds. Cyclist on Monterey who paused while I admired him. Guy in garage on Diamond. Go to C.B. Daniel there. Also noxious Latina couple. Walk thru G.C.P. Then #43 home. My Avalon key chain falls apart on getting home. Shits on walking in the door. (*Relates to John viewing my diary?) Call FedEx and Adidas. Am able to be calmer with Adidas woman than with FedEx gal who just blew me off. Insight: I wanted to get back at Adidas. I wanted revenge. What is that showing me? Perhaps I want to get back at my father.

June 26 dream:  Getting ready to do a talk for The Prosperos. Woman approaches me with all sorts of things to remember. I say, “I can’t deal with those things now. I’ve got a talk to do. I’d think you’d know that.”

June 26 dream:  I’m in the audience watching a series of skits. Realize that I’m the new head of the school. Last skit about Communist China. And white women in gray skirts are sitting on top of people. There is little applause. I’m not so sure China is the bad guy.

June 26 dream:  Taking a bar exam of sorts. Duncan a traitor or not?

June 25, 2021:  Ontology group online at 9 a.m. 6 women and me. Call from “social worker” about my assault on June 23. I feel punk’d. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Now partially open. Friendly, beautiful woman at doorway. Cute patron inside. Walk to G.P. Talk with Lee. He says he thinks music critic Kosman is anti-Asian. I say, “You should write him a letter.” Go to C.B. Daniel there with heavy eye make-up. Walk thru C.G.P. Hawk on Amber Drive circles me. Shop at M.S. #43 home. Too late for Prosperos Roundtable. Re-order Adidas pants which they said were delivered on June 17, but never arrived at my doorstep.

June 25 dream:  Come in from a very drunken wild nite. My pants are split down the middle. I’m walking behind someone as my father approaches us. Woman narrator says he has a very important relationship to me. (h.o.)

June 25 dream:  Preparing online application. Leave extra space under “AIDS.” (h.o.)

June 24, 2021:  Wait for K train. See beautiful young man smoking a cigarette at Beep’s Burgers parking lot. i pass by him and as soon as I pass him I return to my train stop. Later when the train arrives, I see him kind of dancing to pick up his order. Take K to Church. Walk to Love Haight Computers. Black guy greets me in CVS. Pick up computer for $99, not the $199 they told me over the phone. Walk to Castro. Stop briefly at Spike’s and speak with manager there who asked me, “Are you the iced tea guy?” Walk to G.P. Get call from guy who refers to himself as John Pinkerton. I say, “That name sounds familiar.” (*Relates to assault from homeless guy hier, I think.) Later see “success” on Diamond Street. Go to C.B. Then Canyon Market. Cute attractive grocery worker there. Also beautiful woman at sandwich counter. Decide to take #44 to M.S. Sit at bench next to young guy. I ask him, “Are you waiting for the #44?” He says, “Yes. We’ve got 26 minutes ’til the next bus so I was going to ask if I could talk with you.” I say, “Sure.” He says, “When were you born?” We talk for about 10 or 15 minutes. He’s a sophomore at Lowell H.S. Wants to go to Stanford to study environmental science. He says it’s the cause of his generation. As soon as we get on the bus, he is wildly greeted by some friends. I get off on Portola and take #43 home.

June 24 dream:  Sleeping with cat.

June 24 dream:  Fear woman we invited over may be a danger

June 23, 2021:  Get on K train to downtown. Homeless black guy hits me in the face. Then returns to his seat. I report him. Bus driver calls police. He describes me as 75, about 180 pounds. (I don’t think I look 75, but I do think I look 180 pounds.) Cops come. It takes about ½ hour. Proceed to 2 p.m. dental appointment for possible TMJ inflammation. Dr. Adame spends a lot of time with me. Then go to Love Haight Computers. Have to leave my laptop for 2-3 days to get my speaker fixed. Walk to Castro. Feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Stop at Starbucks 18th Street. Use restroom there. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then BART home. Get call that my laptop will be ready tomorrow at noon! Yay!

June 23 dream:  Walking in the rain. Bump into Asian guy. He thinks about fighting me, but then thinks again.

June 22, 2021:  Call VA for another ENT appointment. In ’til 3ish. Walk part way to G.P. Then return home to shit. Then back to G.P. Give Lee article by Joshua Kosman, music critic for S.F. Chron. Go to C.B. Walter L. there. We talk briefly. As I’m leaving cute ramrod straight guy dressed in full camo comes in. I say, “Are we being invaded?” He says, “No, that would be difficult since I’m a submarine officer.” Walk thru G.C.P. Then #43 home. Word tracking: Listen leads to loud leads to glory leads to well-known. Insight from Gabor Maté:You are more important than your attachments.  Not true as a kid. True qs an adult.

June 22 dream:  Climbing on ancient stone structure which is kind of shaky. Others already inside.

June 21, 2021:  12:30 therapy appointment. I shared with Troy (my therapist) my diary entry of June 17: Gabor Maté saying that we only choose partners with an equally unresolved trauma. And my certainty that John had read this. He asked me what I thought John’s trauma might have been. I said I didn’t know. Later I thought that John and I both share the conviction that our beauty is deeply tied to our lovability, our worth. Walked thru Mission to the Castro. Starbucks on 18th Street. Cute, friendly guy smiles at me at Castro and 22nd Street. Continue to G.P. Daniel  at C.B. BART home. Made appointment to see ear doctor.

June 21 dream:  Sitting on the floor with Nancy and Laurie. Feeling loved. Nancy talks about going to Santa Rosa J.C.

June 21 dream:  Stick key in door. It’s already open. Someone inside says, “Hello there.” I panic and try to run away but can hardly move.

June 20, 2021:  In ’til 4:30ish. Walk down Ocean to W.G. Buy Chron from my friend there. Up to Monterey to Safeway. Win whole cooked chicken ’cause I’m standing on No. 4. I give it to woman there since I’m a vegetarian. Nice store manager (who gave me the chicken). Try to get in line of cute guy with glasses. As soon as I arrive, he leaves. Listen to more Gabe Maté on YouTube. Feel better. Insight: Realize I was never all that interested in sex with men. What I wanted with a man was a loving home.

June 20 dream:  Realize I’m late for work. Have trouble waking up.

June 20 dream:  Sister in need of new blood. Other sister diluting it for her by swinging a can of it.

June 19, 2021:  Insight: God (or my father) cannot be relied on. Translation group at 9 a.m. 5 in attendance. Walk to G.P. Pass Jun at work on the way. Have long conversation with Lee at G.P. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Go to C.B. Jay not there. Daniel is baristo. Hot straight guy standing in line. Walk to G.C.P. Then M.S. Young Asian straight guy with nice body who I admired. Went to other side of the store. He followed me over. Check out with “Sir Allen.” Really cute little boy and his slightly older brother with their father. #43 home. Only vacant seat was across from cute young Asian guy standing in an unconsciously provocative stance. He gets off at Yerba Buena Avenue. Insight: Dissociation = disembodiment. Healing = reconnection.

June 19 dream:  I’m on my way to the movies. Guy on bus asks me if I want to go to the movies with him.

June 19 dream:  Getting ready for program in auditorium. I told a very young Leigh that she could sit next to me.

June 18, 2021:  Email VA about my J&J reaction. Feels good, like I’m reporting on what my father did to me back in the ’50s. Nobody will believe me but I’m reporting it anyhow. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Then C.B. Jay not there. Daniel is baristo. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk circles me. #48 and #43 home. Prosperos Roundtable at 5:30 p.m. Suzanne says, more or less, that consciousness did not begin evolving until the women’s movement. Insight: My pain coming not from fear, but from self-punishment to make up for the behavior of my father.

June 18 dream:  Help Mr. Humphreys (from “Are You Being Served?”) into his small new shoes.

June 18 dream:  Return to my rooming house where I lived before. Lots of people outside my door walking past and talking to me. Cute gay guy shows me how to roll up my T-shirt sleeves. See two old Olympic swimmers.

June 18 dream:  Fly into New Orleans. Go to book opening party featuring Hillary Clinton, put on by the mob. At the end they drop massive water balloons from the building. People who try to leave are met up with mobsters in the street. Fortunately they didn’t know me or stop me.

June 17, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Leave home. Come back to shit. Leave again. Go to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then C.B. Jay is there again. We talk more. He “accidentally” lifts his shirt. He’ll be starting MBA program at Stanford in September. Was raised in Brentwood part of L.A. Walked to L.H. Blvd. #43 home. RHS my father (re-manifesting itself in my adulthood as my reaction to the J&J “pause.”) and Gabor Maté’s idea of attachment vs. authenticity: I blame myself to maintain my attachment to my father. Gabor Maté also says we always choose partners who have an equal level of unresolved trauma. Get LinkedIn request from Tom C.

June 17 dream:  Guy (me?) put in outdoor prison for 23 months. Some interesting people around. Guy says, “The statue will stay up for 3-1/2 years and when it comes down, all sorts of hell will break lose.

June 17 dream:  Condo in Vallejo for $100,000

June 16, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Big load of books and DVDs. Walk to G.P. Then C.B. Meet Asian guy named Jay. He’s reading “The Open Society and its Enemies” by Karl Popper. It’s a big book. We talk for a while. Then break. Then talk again as he leaves. He says, “Do you live here in Glen Park?” I go into my long explanation. He says, “I live here in Glen Park.” I said, “Well, If you come here , I’ll see you again.” (*Later realized this related to the hawk from hier on Amber Drive, I think.) As I was walking to my bus stop, I was thinking about Jay and two young guys smiled at me. White waiting for #43, John lookalike on bike. #43 home. Watched Romeo & Juliet on YouTube in p.m. Cry when Mercutio is stabbed. Also when Romeo and Juliet stab themselves.

June 16 dream:  Harriet trying to light her cigarette lighter. It doesn’t work. I stick my hand in to try to help. She grabs it.

June 16 dream:  Having breakfast at place. Sit across from cute guy I’d seen before. Earlier sleeping in train across from guys, one of whom had a hard-on even larger than mine. John was among that group, but he looked forlorn and kind of out of it.

June 15, 2021:  Jerk off in a.m. in ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Guy at Diamond & Circular. I wait for him to cross. He waits ’til I continue walking. C.B. Barista has no biscotti and no banana bread. I leave no tip. Buy banana bread next door at Canyon Market from snarky barista there. Walk thru G.C.P. Shadow of hawk, then hawk passes over me from behind on Amber Drive. Go to M.S. Then to L.H. Blvd. Guy there who I check out but only briefly. #43 home. Insight: My “contribution” to S.F is like my “contribution” to my family, like my “contribution” to God.

June 14, 2021:  12:30 therapy appointment. As I leave, I share that while we were having a casual conversation, at moments, I wanted to just bolt. Later I realized that I wanted to bolt ’cause I feared my therapist might just make a move on me, just like my father did. #38 to VA. Stay on for two stops to follow cute guy to W.G. He gives man some money. I say, “That was nice of you.” We have short conversation. Stop at La Promenade Cafe before VA. Then get my ear wax removed at VA. Walk down Clement and then down 14th Avenue. Trip and fall on wooded path. Run into Fred Cline in front of botanical garden. Go to 9th & Irving. Think it might be fun to take N to Cole Valley. See cute guy at stop. Look at him briefly. Then try to catch his eye again. He doesn’t look up but his girlfriend does. Later I realize that maybe that was all that was needed. No longer interested in going to Cole Valley. Stop at local Starbucks. Then #43 home.

June 14 dream:  Train slowly passing crowd of people. It stops just short of convenient place for guys at the head of the crowd. (h.o.)

June 14 dream:  Coming in on train, taking lots of photos of houses on the hills. Guy behind me hugging me shirtless. As we arrive lots of people on balconies in costumes. When we get in, guy behind me has shirt on and is walking away.

June 13, 2021:  RHS workshop at 3 p.m. 5 people attend. Alex still defending Trump. Walk down Ocean to 7-11 for Sunday paper. Then up to Monterey to Safeway. Check out with Nur and Christin. Nur buying Mentos. I joke, “Don’t they give you free food here?” #43 home.

June 13 dream:  Leave message for #302. He was supposed to meet me but he didn’t.

June 13 dream:  Think of buying Harriet’s $50 portable TV set. Then we decide to split it 3 ways. Want to send Xmas cards to special friends.

June 13 dream:  B&W document about NY Tenderloin. Miss the guys walking around in Speedos.

June 12, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Talk with Lee. Then Daniel at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. On exiting, see people kind of dancing on top of hill. When I get there, they are gone. To M.S. “Sir Allen” there but he didn’t see me or didn’t look. Talk with my older Asian friend at checkout. He told me he just got a haircut to be ready for a wedding on June 26. #43 home.

June 12 dream:  Trouble getting things done in the office/kitchen. Trying to make a milkshake, split pea soup, and send a letter.

June 12 dream:  Get off train. Say hello to all the people I meet in the office.

June 11, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Then C.B. Daniel there. Walk to G.C.P. See large mouse/small rat on Poppy Lane. He is perfectly still. I think he might be dead. I touch him with the bottom of my canvas bag. He moves. He doesn’t run but just looks up at me sort of dazed. (*Relates to me mailing back hand-written note which I received under the door when I was house-sitting at 833 Clayton on September 30, 2017. The note said: “Hi Beautiful Soul! The Universe loves you. Your presence is a gift to be cherished and it is honored! Thank you for simply existing (heart) You are loved + blessed – (heart) – your angels (heart)”) Walk to #43 stop. #43 home. Sit across from my Plymouth Avenue friend. We talk and I walk with him to my front door. He works at UCSF genetics lab. His name is Peter. Prosperos Roundtable later. About 9 people in attendance. We discussed trying to get left and right to talk to each other. I didn’t agree but was too tired to really talk about. (*Relates to first dream of Jun 8, I think.)

June 11 dream:  Being fucked by cute young Mexican sales clerk, with very nice ass.

June 10, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Fed Ex in G.P They can’t take my package either. Got madder than I should have. Go to Cafe Bello. Look up new FedEx places. Call them to make sure they’ll accept my package. Take BART to 16th Street. Walk to Duboce and Market. Wait in line at FedEx. Feels like the post office. Walk to Castro. Guy on bike on Market asks me for $2. I say no. He says, “It must be tough being poor and old.” I yell back, “And good-looking!” Walk thru Castro. Strange though attractive guy on 18th Street. Then up Market to Portola to #43 bus stop. #43 home. In p.m. beautiful guys who I thought were movers hier turn out to be water inspectors. I open my door. They are standing there. They ask if they can come in and inspect my pipes. I say, “Sure.” My pipes are fine. They seem like good-looking brothers. I’m in love again.

June 10 dream:  1962 civil rights demonstration outside White House. Hubert Humphrey blows smoke out the window into somebody’s face. Black guy talks about 12 years. LBJ in the White House.

June 9, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Joke with Lee about his writing for the Chron. Cafe Bello. Sudoku there. G.C.P. M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” His “Sir Allen” name tag is missing. He says he lost it. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Maggie also there at other checkout line. #43 home. Talk with young guy reading “God of the Upper Air”. Stay on one stop beyond my usual stop. Then my friend at W.G. who told me he couldn’t accept by FedEx package. Will try FedEx G.P. tomorrow. Two beautiful movers on 3rd floor.

June 9 dream:  I’m sitting on floor next to woman who is trying to heal me. She says, “Do you watch Fox news?” I say, “Oh, heck, no.”

June 8, 2021:  In’ til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then Lee at G.P. Then Cafe Bello. Sudoku there. They close 3 minutes after I get there. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk on Arbor Drive. #43 home. Cute guy with mustache, long hair and nice smile walking his dog on Hearst Street. I get off bus but can’t catch up with him (or his dog).

June 8 dream:  Tell woman I’m working with that I’m going to take off early. She says she’ll have to report it. I say, “Okay. I’m just really tired.”

June 8 dream:  Prosperos students have store on mall. Angry customer demands to be taken care of. Me and Janet C. agree with her. William F. thinks she’s being too hard.

June 8 dream:  Was visiting Tom O. in L.A. It’s raining. Even in the Valley, where Tom lives. He offers to drag my one wheel bike behind him. I say, “Why don’t I just follow you in my motorbike?” I go back to where I took it apart and the man there had “misplaced” it.

June 7, 2021:  Therapy appointment at 12:30 p.m. Walk back via Castro. Go to Starbucks on 18th Street. Two really cute baristos. Friendly guy at Walter Haas Playground who I went out of my way to encounter. He waved first. Continue to Cafe Bello in G.P. Sudoku there. Insight: Maybe the fear with John in ’87 was my fear of admitting to myself what happened with my father.

June 7 dream:  I drop my bag. Dog races to pick it up for me.

June 7 dream:  Go over to woman’s house to eat. I pick up 3 pieces of toast which had fallen on the floor. She has little wiener dog in small glass container. I say to someone, “I love that dog.” He says he hates it.

June 7 dream:  I’m supposed to buy donuts on Sunday. Guy asked me if I would take picture of him at the “Men’s Room” bar in the Mission.

June 6, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Try to take nap but apartment above is unrolling carpet or something. Later I see guy at elevator who I think might be from that apartment. He looks mean. I Translate him. My conclusion: “Truth is one infinitely thoughtful Person.” Walk down Ocean. See Asian friend from May 30. Buy Sunday paper at 7-11. Up to Monterey and down to Safeway. Check out with Nur. Boy, is he beautiful and sweet. We compared vaccine symptoms. He said he only had arm pain. I said, “I think I’m still suffering symptoms.” #43 home. Find out in p.m. that Aunt Joanne had died in the early a.m.

June 6 dream:  I’m serving tape group snacks and information. (h.o.)

June 6 dream:  Take one and a half hours off from work. When I come back, there’s lots of documents to sort. Also a new female employee.

June 5, 2021:  Translation group at 9 a.m. 4 attended. Shits at 11 a.m. Insight: Realized that hier’s shock at Starbucks probably relates to my fall on Market Street on May 24. (*It took two days for my hand to heal. Will perhaps take two days for my psyche to heal from the shock of hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Fun guy there reading “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”. Said I looked like a Zonka, a tough Polish football player. Go to Cafe Bello in G.P. Daniel there is baristo. I think I knew him from before the pandemic. He’s a psych student at S.F. State. Walk thru G.C.P. Trip on tree root as I exit. See “end” on sidewalk. Go to Creighton’s. Don’t go to Starbucks. I gawk at beautiful guy in shorts walking his dog at #43 stop. He smiles. #43 home.

June 5 dream:  Two guys in suits showering in adjacent shower stalls.

June 5 dream:  Home explodes.

June 5 dream:  Standing in line with a group of men to tell our dead fathers that we love them. Expect to see John, not in line, but at the event, as he’s been there before.

June 4, 2021:  In ’til 3:30. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to CVS, hoping to see Pat. He’s not there. Go to M.S. Try to get in Sir Allen’s line but he evades me. Maggie says “hi” to me as I pass. Go to Starbucks. Barista there says, “We appreciate your comments, but not if they’re too personal.” Took me awhile to figure out what she was saying and why. I think she was referring to my comment to Anthony on June 2 when I asked him if he was wearing his tight pants. Was Anthony getting back at me for my comment on May 28 when I said I hadn’t noticed that he had taken off a few days. Beware a gay man scorned. (*Relates to fall on Market Street on May 24, I think.) Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 10 or 11 people. Joe says he’s feeling better. Sarah says big developments brewing.

June 3, 2021:  Monkeybrains guy installs my new ISP. Takes about 3 hours. I’m so thrilled to be rid of underachieving/overcharging AT&T. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to CVS Portola. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Bus comes right away. I had to rush to cap my drink and put on my mask. As I put my pass up to the reader, bus lurches forward. I fall and spill my drink all over the floor. Black guy gets mad. Young white guy looks at me with great love and concern. Later I realized he was my Plymouth Avenue friend. (*See diary of May 26.) I notice some spots from my drink on his shoe and say to him, “Looks like your shoe got hit.” He says, “They’re just shoes.” We talked a bit and he said good-bye as he got off the bus. I followed him as far as W.F., on top of which I live. (*Relates to shits from hier about 4ish, I think.)

June 3 dream:  Lots of regular earthquakes shake the house.

June 3 dream:  Playing basketball without a hoop with a shirtless Eric Newton and others. I grab him from behind and feel his naked torso.

June 3 dream:  Me and Liz Andrews going off to some dive bar during a break in class.

June 2, 2021:  Shits at 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Beautiful, sweet woman librarian there for 2nd time. G.P. G.C.P. Starbucks. Cessca and Anthony there. I ask Anthony, “Are you wearing your tight pants?’ He says, “What?” I asked him again. He pretended not to know what I was talking about. #43 home. Fire alarm in p.m.

June 1, 2021:  Bills. Monthly BB. Clicky off. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. then up Ulloa to Starbucks. Kaleb there. #43 home. See John and myself (and Irene Smith) in Metaphysical Alliance “AIDS Healing Service” YouTube video in p.m. (*Relates to tripping over coffee table last night, I think.) Tough nite trying to sleep. Lots of ear pain. Lots of Translating.

May 31, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Walk to Portola to Starbucks. Timothy and Anthony there. Anthony looking very hot in tight jeans. When I come in my mask is off so Anthony says, “Mike, will you put on your mask please?” Which I do. Then I say, “Now you know what my face looks like.” #43 home. Almost trip over coffee table in p.m.

May 31 dream:  Guy in military examining me got my name spelled wrong. He said I was getting too critical. I said, “Precision is important in the military.” He said he was going home.

May 31 dream:  High school senior goes out with older woman. He says, “Do you have any stickies?” Later I see big cockroach on ledge. Worry it will fall on me. (*Relates to Plymouth Avenue guy on June 3, I think. Cockroach is me  possibly getting down on myself for not hitting on him?)

May 30, 2021:  Insight: I haven’t yet accepted the world. If I accept the world, I have to give up God. Perhaps this is what Thane meant when he said to Karen Dahlquist, “That’s right. Force him to make a decision.” Perhaps why my mother’s death didn’t bother me too much. Perhaps why I could never get together with the men I desired. In ’til 4ish. Walk down Ocean. Run into very sweet, cute Asian guy asking for signatures to oust someone from the Board of Education who had made anti-Asian comments. He had on yellow hat and matching mask. Loved to hear him and touch him. Walk up Portola to Mt.D. Then to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” he’s very stand-offish after our intimacy of May 1. Starbucks. I accidentally ask for my banana bread which one of the baristas had already given me. My homeless friend Danny in Starbucks with his cart. I say, “Tomorrow’s Memorial Day. Are you going to be taking the day off?” He says, “Ill probably be here.” #43 home. Follow cute black guy across Ocean Avenue. He leads me to another cuter black guy with long dreds. I follow him in to resto.

May 30 dream:  On my way out of job get in argument with two girls I never really liked or respected.

May 30 dream:  Exhibit of men fake-fighting with each other. I say, “It’s like fake-loving.”

May 30 dream:  Alarm goes off in dream.

May 29, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Acme clothing store at Mission and Geneva. Cute guy there comments on my pants. Said Dickies are not as flexible as the pants I have on (my Adidas). Walk to Excelsior library. Sweet librarian there. Walk to G.P. Then up Joost to Safeway. Woman in frozen meat section. I ask her where the sausages are. Turned out she was right in front of them. Then she points out the exact type of sausage I was looking for. I said, “I knew I should have asked you!” After, I was so happy I skipped down the next aisle. #43 home. Lots of “emergency” calls from Apple today.

May 29 dream:  President Biden says that young man was able to delay his cancer for a day to say good-bye. (h.o.)

May 29 dream:  Boy and girl from opposite families are going on trip. Mother leaves at 1:20. Two kids bump into each other. Spill grape juice on each other and laugh tit off.

May 29 dream:  John sitting at end of table in cafe. When I look back, he’s replaced by somebody else.

May 29 dream:  Carol Carter and other Prosperos show up for assembly at old Louvre in Paris.

May 29 dream:  Voice says, “It’ll be over soon.”

May 28, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola. Fire engine out of Portola Drive fire station. Seamus and Anthony at Starbucks. Anthony tells me his roommate is going home. I say, “Why aren’t you going home?” he says, “You may have noticed. I was out a few days.” I laugh, “No, I didn’t notice.” #43 home. Cute guy on bus. Accident at Monterey and Plymouth. Prosperos Roundtable at 5:30 8 people there. Joe C. shares that he has been diagnosed with lung and brain cancer. Janet reports that Ned has apparently tested free of cancer. (*Accident at Monterey and Plymouth relates to Suzanne? Also relates to last dream of May 27, I think.)

May 28 dream:  Trying to go back to work. Can’t find place.

May 28 dream:  I’m alone at my new job. Move VW bug I’m sleeping in out of the center of the street. Lots of kids outside on the street sitting in rows of chairs in bright colors in Chinatown. I think it would make a great photo.

May 27, 2021:  Irene Smith online memorial at 3 p.m. Over 100 attended. What a woman. What a life. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Then Starbucks Portola. #43 home.

May 27 dream:  Cathy W. gives “old guy” a chance. He declines and she dresses in full Muslim attire.

May 27 dream:  Get lost in Napa Valley town. Try to find bus back to S.F.

May 26, 2021:  See something erotic online. Get into it. Get phone call. Have “psychic sex” with whoever called. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. My gay friend there ignores me. Go to G.P. Talk with Lee’s mom. See Anne Bollman lookalike. Go to G.C.P. Strange assignation with guy on rock and his dog and passing guy and his dog. Then M.S. Talk with my cashier friend about Jackson on the $20. We both agree we like Benjamins better. Danny, my homeless friend. Timothy and Anthony at Starbucks. Talk more with Anthony about his family and about his hair. I say, “You look Black.” #43 home. My Plymouth Avenue friend on board. I change seats to sit across from where he’s standing. Look up “pass” in p.m. May relate to me “passing” as a human being.

May 26 dream:  Virginia Wolfe (played by Elizabeth Taylor) is not happy. Another TV show about to start but I wasn’t interested.

May 26 dream:  Guy jokes that he worked in the S.F. main library in ’65. He says “Nobody’s that old.”

May 25, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. to Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. Nasty woman at bus stop Nasty woman on bus. Follow cute guy into W.F. Run into Isaiah. Email Maureen in p.m.

May 25 dream:  Things not adding up. I’m $2,017 short.

May 25 dream:  I am in a rooming house next to a resto. John is directly across the hall from me. There are no walls. Only windows. My roommate comes in just as I’m about to take a shower in the corner of the room. He barges ahead of me. I say, “I guess we’ll just have to take a shower together.” Lettuce on shower head.

May 24, 2021:  12:30 p.m therapy appointment with Troy. I share my RHS of my father and hint that I may be emotionally done with him. He’s doubtful. (*See first dream of May 23.) On way home, walk backwards, checking out guy on Market. Slip and fall on my back. Hurt my hands. Walk thru Castro. Pass J’s bar and J’s store. Up Market to Starbucks Portola. Seamus, Anthony and Timothy there. Anthony shares that he comes from a family of 7 kids, but not all from the same mother. (*Shits from hier relate to my talk with Anthony, I think.) #43 home. Cute young boy with black shorts from May 13 onboard without his mother. I sit across from him.

May 24 dream:  Big convention weekend. Course in Miracles there with us. We are walking down street. I say to woman, “This is your big weekend.” She says, “Yeah, it’s long division.” I say, “I don’t know what that is.” Oprah Winfrey says, “I don’t either.” Black guy from our group says [of Oprah], “She’s a superstar.” I say, “So are you.”

May 24 dream:  Secret service men swarm my apt. Come in thru the balcony. President is on his way, I guess.

May 23, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior. Feel “shitty.” Come back. Take shit. Walk down Ocean and up to Monterey to Safeway. Jason and Patrick and woman I like there. Remake potato salad with hard-boiled eggs, bleu cheese, and vegetarian baco-bits. It was good. Insight: My desire to fix things (COVID, my family, etc.) gets me into trouble. RHS my father in p.m.

May 23 dream:  Father Paul died and I put that in a little song I composed. (He was really a bastard.) Other people say that he’s not dead. (*Relates to RHS of my father on May 23?)

May 23 dream:  Guy visits beautiful home of English world leaders in L.A. Someone knocks on his door. It’s his assassin, a dark, well-dressed man warning him that he doesn’t have much time left.

May 23 dream:  Four “family” items I’m supposed to take care of.

May 22, 2021:  9 a.m. Translation workshop. Seven in attendance. Geek Squad came at 11:30ish to install my new router. After, take nap. Dream my new phone explodes. (*See nap dream of May 22.) In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Thinking about this dream and realizing it had nothing to do with my new router. It had to do with something I had been asking my unconscious for for years: a memory of what happened with my father. And the memory was being very happy with something. Then having an unexpected [emotional] explosion. Then realized it also relates to what happened to me with the J&J “pause.” I had been very pleased that I had taken the vaccine and “done the right thing.” Then was blind-sided by the J&J “pause,” just like I was blind-sided by my phone exploding in my dream. Just like I was blind-sided by my father when he turned a happy moment for me into a scary, ugly and shocking moment of betrayal. As I was thinking this, woman crossing Monterrey smiles at me. Joke with Lee at G.P about Jackson being on the both $10 and $20 bills. Then distant hawk at G.C.P. Then Starbucks. Timothy and Adam there but we didn’t talk. Danny, my homeless friend. #43 home. Sit near two skateboarders. Then move to front of the bus to sit near beautiful young Asian man, only to also sit next to “sleepy” Asian guy from hier. Call Sarah when I get home. Insight: Maybe reason I was so anxious and happy to be with my father was so I could forget my own ego-reaction to my mother’s death.

May 22 nap dream:  The new phone I bought just blew up.

May 22 dream:  At party in big house, trying to throw away garbage. Couldn’t find place. Also had mouthful of glass.

May 21, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Follow same black security guard as hier. I fantasize about him dancing at a strip club. He enters pizza joint and looks at me and smiles. (*Relates to last dream of May 20? Especially the part of guys trying to attack me.) Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa to M.S. Shits at M.S. I ask for $20 cash back. Cashier jokes, “Here’s your Jackson.” I try to think of who’s on the $100 bill cut can’t. Feel bad ’cause I really wanted to joke with this cashier. Later at #43 bus stop, guy walks behind me. I do double take. He’s very masculine guy waring a dress. I follow him for a few blocks, trying to catch up with him. I just missed him, just like with the cashier. But, like the cashier, I think he knew that I loved him. #43 home. Sit across from cute sleepy Asian guy. See “Your health is going to improve” on bus. Prosperos Roundtable at 5:30. 11 attended including Julia Yepez-Macbeth from Brooklyn. I asked her about Chris Hinrichs. Tried to make potato salad in p.m.

May 21 dream:  No newspapers. I’m alone in the house with Liz and Suzanne(?) I say, “Wouldn’t it be nice during this time of crisis to be in touch with what’s going on?”

May 21 dream:  Was going to do operation to improve my voice. It was beginning to sound way too complicated so at the end I had pretty much decided to cancel the whole thing.

May 20, 2021:  Shits about 2:30 p.m. Insight: What is the intelligence of my body trying to tell me? To paraphrase Shakespeare, “This tarantula (*See dreams of May 14) I claim my own.” Blame comes from the word blaspheme. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Follow cute young h.s. student carrying his guitar case. Up Ulloa to Starbucks. #43 home. Rude Asian lady makes me think maybe I should check out the rest of the bus. I do. Find the smiling eyes of Kenneth (according to his name tag). Translate “The body is physical.”  Conclusion:  Truth is the body of effortless consciousness.

May 20 dream:  “The Ability to Eat Horseshit” book.

May 20 dream:  Tell dark-haired guy, “ I don’t care what you do. I just want to be with you.” As I say this, I press two pieces of burnt toast on each side of his head.

May 20 dream:  Drive baby blue car which I’ve had for some time. Some guys try to attack me. I pass big truck that everybody thinks is hauling a shark. Turn up Van Ness and have trouble getting traction on my bike.

May 19, 2021:  Hugh John calls in a.m., telling me that his sister’s granddaughter died after a drowning incident. Later his sister Maureen called. (*See last dream of May 18.) In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. On to G.P. Lee there. On to G.C.P. As I reach top of stairs on exiting the park, small boy with blond hair and green sweater runs up and greets me. I greet him back. His mother is several yards behind. On to Starbucks. Timothy there. #43 home. W.F. Home.

May 19 dream:  Big presidential event tomorrow. Press is waiting with camera outside our door in the lobby. Later they are let in to eat some bean dish from the fridge. Someone sees a cockroach. I think they are always around.

May 19 dream:  Run into my sister Laurie at store. She admits she bought something warm colored even though the colors are cool this season (or vice versa).

May 18, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. As I walk out lobby, beautiful young man is holding a couch. I say, “Are you moving in or moving out?” He says, “I’m moving my family in to the 2nd floor.” I say, “Oh, I’m on the third.” Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa. Translating “pain” and ‘fear” along the way. Starbucks. #43 home. Find textbook on human sexuality on outside table of W.F. Insight: Now that I have lost my father, my fear is having to stand on my own two feet.

May 18 dream:  Up at some resort. Misplace both my credit cards. Suddenly my family appears. Then bunch of friends in military uniforms. I was glad to see both of them.

May 18 dream:  Kiss girl on forehead. I wanted to kiss her on the lips but that wasn’t allowed. Her whole face was like a yellow mask. We were supposed to get married. We were all laughing about something. Then we stopped. I rush across the street to resto next to shop I wanted to go to.

(*Relates to talking with Maureen M. this a.m.?)

May 17, 2021:  Insight: Connection between contamination by J&J and contamination by my father? 12:30 therapy session with Troy. About 1:20 get in touch with my grief about the loss of my father. When I get home, there’s a blank phone message at about 1:19. Walk home via Castro and Market. Stop by M.S. Then Seamus at Starbucks. #43 home.

May 17 dream:  We’re getting ready to do big show. I’m going to be the MC. Somebody asks me to pay $20 to someone named Negy, who sounds slightly familiar. I check to make sure that I have both sets of keys.

May 17 dream:  Take off on every-two-week trip to Sacramento. Only two other passengers, including a bratty girl.

May 17 dream:  At party pass pile of bikini-clad women. Cute, nice guy I liked touched my fingers and said, “Maybe we can get in on some of that skin-on-skin action.” I said, “Okay” and followed him into room with more people sitting around.

May 16, 2021:  RHS group at 3 p.m. Fun group. 7 people attended. Walk down Ocean to Monterey to Safeway. Cute guy ignored my glances. Later I see that he is whipped by his wife. Jason there. #43 home.

May 16 dream:  Calvin very pushy at my table. We’re waiting for something to happen. He asks me to go through big thick magazine ad and find the $9 glasses. Crowd is thinning out.

May 15, 2021:  Window washers wake me up at 8:30. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa to M.S. Portola. Get in line which spits between Maggie and “Sir Allen.” I wanted to talk with Sir Allen but Maggie’s line opened up first. So I talked with her. Later saw Sir Allen kind of dancing down the aisle. Adam at Starbucks talks bout biotechnology, his major at SF State. #43 home. Look up tarantula. The spider bite causes involuntary body movements (especially during the 15th to 17th century in southern Italy). (*Realize this related to my tarantula dreams of last night.)

May 15 dream:  Crew trying to repair me inside. (h.o.)

May 15 dream:  15 hats need to be eaten to win the game. The “terminator” doesn’t want me to eat the hats.

May 15 dream:  The other side has tanks. We are protected by empty swimming pools.

May 15 dream:  They arrive. The building shakes. Kids scream.

May 14, 2021:  In ’til 3:20. Walk to Jun’s for haircut. Wonderful, fun time with Jun, as usual. Walk to G.P. Sit down in Cafe Bello for first time since March 2020. Then to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. Walk home. Turn corner at Ocean Avenue. Check out cute guy smoking. He says threateningly, “Yeah?” I wave back. (*Relates to guy hier yelling at me for walking in front of his truck, I think.) Continue down Ocean. Check out bunch of skateboarders running to Balboa Skatepark. One of them looks back. Walk to W.F. Learn they re not going to re-open the W.F. cafe. Sad/bad news for neighborhood. They’re going to make it into an Amazon Prime center. Prosperos Roundtable at 5:30. Tom C. there. I share the many men who have impacted my life and vice versa.

May 14 dream:  I may have been in touch with a tarantula which could jeopardize the project.

May 14 dream:  Someone may have given my location to tarantula so my mission may be compromised.

May 14 dream:  New guy gets on elevator. Other new guy joins him. When the door opens, first new guy is putting his underwear back on. I am outraged. First new guy doesn’t seem to mind as much as me.

May 13, 2021:  In’ til 3ish. Walk to Portola to Starbucks. Seamus there. Also Danny, the homeless guy. Guy yells at me for walking in front of his truck. I wave back. #43 home. Cute young boy in black shorts with his mother. My Best Buy router arrives. Spend about an hour or two trying to install. Then made appointment with The Geek Squad.

May 13 dream:  Looking to possibly rent apartment in building owned by Bill Floyd’s parents, Liz and Jack. Also maybe a studio owned by The Prosperos. Jack said he learned something a few yeas ago when I declined his apartment.

May 13 dream:  Writer friend of mine thinks I should be called Rick Arm so he can remember my name better.

May 13 dream:  Go to night club.

May 12, 2021:  Order Monkeybrains wifi. Get all worked up/stressed out about installation of router. Online appointment with my VA primary at 10:30 a.m. He agrees that my symptoms are probably psychosomatic beginning with the J&J pause on April 13. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa to M.S. Portola. Pass cute guy talking with two girls. I go to M.S. Later girls leave guy in front of Starbucks. As I go in, his mask is off and his face is beautiful. I admire him and he smiles back. I go on into Starbucks. Timothy and Kaleb there. As I come out, same guy is walking down the sidewalk with great difficulty and effort. My heart immediately goes out to him. He struggles into M.S. I want to follow him but I realize that the moment has passed. #43 home. See “Prepare to meet your king” in Aquarian Gospel.

May 12 dream:  End of show. Guy asks for blue sombrero.

May 12 dream:  Something about Blossom Street.

May 12 dream:  Head up to my new job on 37th floor. Playfully bump into Barry Bram in the lobby. My left arm is smudged. Elevator is like a roller coaster. Arrives at 35. Nannie there, looking old. Still have to figure out how to get to 37.

May 11, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Accidentally throw away my umbrella. Go to W.G. to buy new one. Then W.P. Then Ulloa. See “Pat” written etched in the sidewalk. Think I should probably visit him at CVS. So I do. He told me he hasn’t yet taken any vaccine. I told him of my troubles with J&J. I also told him, “You look great.” On to Starbucks. Kaleb there said they’re looking into re-opening. #43 home. My Plymouth Avenue friend on board. I follow him briefly after we get off bus.

May 10, 2021:  Translate my call from Wilson Fong, that I didn’t think he would be helpful in any way. Then he didn’t call (as I hoped). Therapy session at 12:30. Good session. At the end, I share my feeling of protectiveness for the men who offered to have sex with me. My therapist repeated it back to me. And expanded on why I may have felt so protective, that is, because of the era I grew up in, and especially the relationship between me and my father. So in spite of the sexual freedom which surfaced for me in 1969 and ’70, underneath (at an unconscious level) were the same old fears which I wanted to protect myself and others from. (*See 2nd dream of May 9.) Gay man dressed in black as I leave therapy session. He sneezes when I pass him. Walk up Market to Castro. Pass J’s bar and J’s store. Up Market to Starbucks Portola. Anthony there. #43 home. Shits on getting home. Call VA to remake VA appointment with Fong on Wednesday.

May 10 dream:  Got handout on Shakespeare which I had already seen.

May 10 dream:  Taking woman and little boy out to eat at “Comes” resto. It’s raining hard.

May 10 dream:  Proofreading something and falling asleep.

May 9, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Feeling not much better. Lots of body pains, etc. Walk down Ocean and up Monterey to Safeway. Guy with “We Grow Farmers” T-shirt at Safeway. Female cashier Bobby asks me how my day was. I say, “Rough.” On way home, see sign saying, “It won’t be like this forever.” Take that as a sign from the Universe. This was a sign which I missed on April 29, when I got off #43 bus early.

May 9 dream:  Visiting too cool guy who wore satin multi-colored Nehru jacket. Later everybody got under the covers except me. See parade outside the window marching down S.F. street. I tried to get away but my little toes were caught in the sheets.

May 9 dream:  S.F. Bay is clear water you can see thru. (*Relates to insight from therapy session on May 10 that it may have been my protectiveness of the men who offered to have sex with me which prevented me from having sex with them.)

May 9 dream:  See Louis Armstrong at his day job. He’ll be playing somewhere tonight.

May 8, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. I briefly share my Translation of “I need to rely on others for health, support and love.” Later realized I felt really good after female VA advice nurse told me hier that my symptoms are not unusual. Later still realized it was like a parent telling their child that they’re okay after skinning their knees. So what would prevent that from happening? Maybe I felt I didn’t’ deserve a mother’s love. Why not? Well, ’cause when my real mother was shot dead in front of me at age 8, all I could think was,, “At last, I’m going to be famous.” The police had arrived. The press had arrived. So I thought maybe the pains I’m feeling (or allowing myself to feel) relate to some sort of self-punishment for my ego-centered and petty reaction to my mother’s death. What would I think of somebody else who behaved that way, even at the age of 8? One of the reasons I love John and people like him is ’cause no matter what else they may be guilty of, they’d never react to their mother’s death the way I did. Can I ever forgive myself? Maybe not. But I can “give for.” That is, give up my old identity as person, place or thing for a new understanding of myself as mind unfolding. Left home about 4ish. Went to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee there, but no Chrons. Guy on Arbor Street cleaning his car. I compliment him on his beautiful car. He’s the one with two snappy, noisy little dogs. On to G.C.P. Then M.S. Got “Perfect” at Starbucks. Assume that related to the RHS I just spoke of. #43 home. Sit next to beautiful young guy who touches my leg as he leaves.

May 8 dream:  Getting married to kind of cute but strange guy who said he didn’t want to. Then said he did. Arrive at gay bar. Bill Murray was there.

May 8 dream:  Volunteer at small newsletter job in Berkeley. All women. Leigh B. works there. I call Richard B. and lose him on the phone. I think sometimes he deliberately tries to confuse things. Black woman there I like. Someone suggests they hire Richard to add “wit” to the newsletter. I think, “I have wit. I’d like to work here.” I take off for a break, even though I’d already had lunch.

May 7, 2021:  Talk to advice nurse at VA. Feel better. Heather calls. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean. Cute black guy with “Open Hand” T-shirt (and nice chest) at W.G. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa. Cute blond high school student walking between two girls trips and smiles at me. Kaleb and barista sing “Happy Birthday” to me at Starbucks. Get free latte. Prosperos Roundtable in p.m. Good discussion. 10-11 people there.

May 7 dream:  Go out on “date” with two girls from the same house as mine. They are royalty. When i get back, I eat something.

May 7 dream:  Nancy Lee and Richard (from “Keeping Up Appearances”) are doing Christian Science work on someone. Richard gave me her two Christian Science books.

May 7 dream:  New … in … I don’t spend much time at.

May 7 dream:  Wild white horse on farm. Owner asks somebody to take a photo. I do. Horse turned out to have the face of an old woman.

May 6, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Seamus there. #43 home. Young black-haired guy ignores my glances. Insight: Refused all the men in my life ’cause I was married to my father, at least in my mind. Also, if I got together with my father (metaphorically), my step-mother would kill me (or have my father kill me).

May 5, 2021:  Shits around noon. Listen to father’s oral history tapes. Two hours. Thought I would hate it (and him), but generally liked him. The tapes were done in 1989, when he was 73. Things I never knew before: He almost got into Stanford in 1937 and he and his parents had a weekend house in Atherton. He left out any mention of his first wife, his first son or his second (me). As a person, though, he seemed likable but weak. He didn’t seem like the very frightening person I remember. (*Relates to “President dies” dream of April 20?) In ’til 3:45 or so. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to M.S. Timothy, Seamus and Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home.

May 5 dream:  Cartoon-like characters: The teacher talks to all of us. To me he says, “Finish your story.” I go home and am told that my father is finishing my story. Beethoven’s 9th in the background.

May 5 dream:  Traveling thru desert town with Tom C. and others. Tom said some other guy would have wanted to go to a bar. Mountain there was one used in movie logo.

May 4, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior. Skateboarder with beautiful eyes who I’d seen before, on Ocean Avenue. Then tall, well-built Latino man smiling as I check him out, at Lee. Later I cross Ocean to pass well-defined Latino in muscle T-shirt. He looks at me blankly as I look at him. Later, I cross Ocean again to check out two young skateboarders. Woman with cleavage smiles at me. I smile back, under my mask. Excelsior library. G.P. Caught between two or three barking dogs on Arbor Street. Then G.C.P. Then hawk followed by two screeching crows on Amber Drive. Then hawk alone. As I pass M.S., Seamus says hello to me. I didn’t recognize him at first. Starbucks. #43 home. Follow my Plymouth Avenue friend into W.F. and out (*See diary of April 27). Insight: Realize that if my therapist is correct and I really did dissociate, that my father was the only person who could have told the truth about what he did, and he never did. He went to his death without telling the truth that would have healed our family. And gaslighting me and anybody else who didn’t accept his “truth.” And I went along with it as much as I could, ’til I could get away from him.

May 4 nap dream:   Driving home, have trouble getting back into my body.

May 4 dream:  Amy Goodman stops by the house as I’m trying to type something.

May 3, 2021:  Submit HWTS request for J&J post-vaccine symptoms. In ’til 11:30 or so. Take BART downtown for therapy session with Troy. Get there about an hour early. Walked around downtown. Session got things going for me. Felt pretty good. (*Relates to “3 weeks” from April 6?) Blondish, 50ish, guy at Van Ness and Market. We were both thrilled at seeing each others. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Later run into Brett, a street artist, again. (*See diary of March 25.) Walk by J’s bar and J’s store. Buy $9.88 mocha drink in the Castro. Walk up Market to Starbucks Portola. Timothy very happy to see me. Seamus, too. Anthony there. I ask him about his ’60s class. He says he’s working on a website for the class. I say, “I was there!” Watch “Conversations with God” in p.m. Insight: I really do believe I came from God. When I said in my HWTS request, “You said it’d be safe.” I was referring to the authorities who said J&J would be safe. But also to The Authority: God?

May 3 dream:  Preparing package for delivery. Is it a rape kit?

May 3 dream:  Clear up somebody’s room. Shut door with flair. Then remember I left my keys inside. Elizabeth (from “Keeping Up Appearances”) says it happens all the time. I try to climb up escalator which is loaded with thrown away food and going down. I don’t make much progress.

May 2, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Decide not to attend RHS workshop. Shits just before I leave. Walk down Ocean behind good-looking guy on his way to 24 Hour Fitness. I fantasize about taking his pants down. When he gets to gym, he holds door open for me, as I pass on. Onward to W.P. Get call from Sarah as I walk up Ulloa and down Teresita to Safeway. Nice, short conversation with Nur. Female cashier next to him says, “Everybody wants to talk with Nur.”

May 1, 2021:  [I was so busy catching up with online work hier, I forgot Prosperos Roundtable.] Wake up to fire alarm around 8 a.m. Bills. Monthly BB. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior. Three moving vans outside my apartment building. Cold, windy day. Excelsior library. Then G.P. No Chrons. Go to G.C.P. Then M.S. “Sir Allen” loves me with his eyes. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Rude black father and his spoiled daughter.

May 1 dream:  Wake up early in prison of some sort. Want to make sure I’m not late for appointment.

May 1 dream:  See “Jesus Christ” on glass door.

May 1 dream:  Man throwing blue globe down shaft. It doesn’t fall straight down.

April 30, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. I take #49 at noon for jury duty. See a 4th story being added to Nannie’s old place at Mission & Cortland. Go to jury room about 45 minutes early. As soon as we all sign in, we are told we can go home. Applause ensues. Walk home via Market. Pass J’s bar and J’s store in the Castro. On walk up Market do Crown Mysteries (“Let there be wisdom. And there is wisdom.”) Later review my J&J history. I wasn’t really enthused about getting the vaccine but I wanted to get it over with, which only led to further problems. I asked myself, “When has this happened before?” Realized this is probably what happened with my father. I was willing to go along, just to get it over with, but that led to even more problems. Remembered Steve Hines quote I used on the BB: “Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situations again to see if you’re still a dumbass.” (*Relates to 7 hawks from April 27?) Seamus at Starbucks. Get cafe latte and brownie instead of my usual matcha green tea latte and blueberry scone. #43 home.

April 30 dream:  On bus trip somewhere, tell someone about my purchase of Rachmaninoff record album. He’s not pleased.

April 30 dream:  Teaching Translation to school kids in two separate rooms.

April 29, 2021:  Do a good Translation of “contaminate.” It leads to integral/untouched. Being touched implies duality. (*Relates to 7 hawks from April 27?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P Boulevard. Continue Translation. My conclusion: Truth can only touch Itself. Then up Ulloa. Kaleb and Adam at Starbucks. #43 home. Get off bus early. See “Take the High Road” painted on crosswalk. Get Bernie doll from Nancy O. for my 75th birthday.

April 29 dream:  I am waiting for a particular train which has already been sent on its way. (h.o.)

April 29 dream:  Out of four young men in very tight, ball-hugging clothes, we were asked which one was wearing a dildo. I guessed the first guy. I was right. (h.o.)

April 29 dream:  Attend high school band concert. When girl flautist has a solo, male band conductor goes back and kisses her. Later I tell my cousins, “I hope they have the same policy when it’s a male flautist.” My cousins get quite upset.

April 28, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk out to Portola. Follow cute delivery person to W.P. Boulevard. As I turn back, see beautiful, long-haired guy walking away from me. I could tell from his carriage that he was really worth trying to meet. So I will change my route to include W.P. Boulevard ’til I do meet up with him. (*Relates to seven hawks from hier?) Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks. Timothy there. #43 home. Looking into my laptop camera for Zoom meeting of Jamaal Bowman’s speech, my right eye looked back at me, just like my father: cruel yet self-pitying.

April 28 dream:  See Eric Newton at gay bar. He’s gained a few pounds, but still looks good. We exchange glances briefly.

April 27, 2021:  Email from Political Bob about all the deaths and illnesses caused by the various COVID vaccines in Europe got me to realizing how vulnerable I have made myself to suggestion. This is something certainly worth ridding myself of, I realized. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Very cute librarian there i’d never seen before. Walk to G.P. Seven hawks flying overhead on Arbor Street. Dog excited to see me at G.C.P. Second dog gives me stick to throw, which I do. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Sweet, rich, young man gets off on Yerba Buena Avenue. Second guy gets off at my stop. I follow him to Plymouth Drive. Had seen him before.

April 27 dream:  Tom O. and I working in mechanic’s shop for our parents. Tom says we should take a late lunch and just take off for the rest of the day. I agree. I accidentally misplace my jacket. Tom suggests I may have left at one of the places we stopped by earlier.

April 27 dream:  For some reason, I agreed to have sex with Marion Bell, so we meet at hotel. I run into Patrice Roemer who seems enthused about the idea. Our “room” is just a bed in the hallway with lots of other people in others beds. Marion is very old and frail and I’m practically a virgin with women.

April 27 dream:  Me and guy from Bay Times and woman all decide to meet in far away beach area of S.F. I’d never seen before. Before, we discussed Trump supporter we still liked.

April 26, 2021:  In ’til 1:30ish. Take K downtown. Tour studio apartment at Trinity Place (8th and Market). They are charging $1,700 per month for 320 square feet. I liked the walk-in shower. Otherwise, I don’t think so. Walk up Market to Castro. Pass bicyclist with helmet who looked a lot like John. I turned around. He smiled. I smiled and waved. Car approached as I was in the middle of a crosswalk. He seemed concerned. I wasn’t. Walk by J’s bar and J’s store in the Castro. Sweet little dog in the window on Castro. Friendly, big, old black dog on 19th Street. Continue walk up Market. Black guy nods at me. See “New York” etched in sidewalk. (*Relates to first dream of April 25?) Norrel at M.S. Anthony at Starbucks. He told me he lived in a 5-member household. #43 home.

April 26 dream:  Me defending Catholic Church. I say, “The Catholic Church has been here since the year zero.”

April 26 dream:  My father building swimming pool in middle of street intersection for all to enjoy.

April 26 dream:  Go to hip after-hours bar with three others.

April 26 dream:  Compose popular song in my head. Try to write it down. Meet young woman at party. I really like her. I show her book on science which I didn’t understand. She explained that it shows that in all the great problems of history, there was always a solution even though they may not have seen it. I kissed her. She said, “Don’t start that.” I said, “I didn’t think about it.”

April 25, 2021:  Richard Tarnas speaks of initiation rites on YouTube. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Portola Drive. Nice, handsome, rich guy on San Benito greets me. Bratty kid at Starbucks looks at me and whispers to his mother. Kaleb at Starbucks. Good-looking Asian man on my way down Portola to #43 bus stop. I’d seen him before. He was with his wife and daughter but appreciated my attention. #43 home.

April 25 dream:  Guy reading map which points to New York City and says, “One of the most important meetings in the history of mankind.” Guy overhears … circles area with yellow felt pen repeating the name of the man who said it, “Scully.”

April 25 dream:  Take ride from first person I can. He’s a bad driver and maybe more. I decide to get out at next stop light.

April 24, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. Later Google “pins and needles.” Discover it is a symptom of panic attack. Nap from 1:45 to 3:15. Guy from apartment above me moving out? Walk to Excelsior library. Line too long to wait for my one book. Walk to G.P. Cute young guy standing on sidewalk., looking at his cellphone. He smiles at me. I buy Chron and walk past him again. Then to Safeway. Check out with girl named Bobby. Then see my friend Nur (*See diary of February 7) at next checkout line. Missed him. Wait at Gennessee & Monterey for #43 bus. Friendly, unleashed dog comes toward me. Smells my groceries and leaves. Later friendly guy with two friends smiles at me. Walk home with my three bags of groceries.

April 24 dream:  Thane arrives early. He says, “Did you get the photos done?” I lie and say, “Mostly. The personal ones.” He says, “Follow me.” I follow him to basement. He walks fast. We pass some religious folk. He gives them cards to pass out. They don’t want to. He (a much younger man now) and I walk on. I think, “I’ve really got to pay attention to everything he says and does.”

April 24 dream:  I win $10,000 and some drugs. Little scamp trying to take flags from me. He’s put on an impromptu trial.

April 24 dream:  Bicyling through Belgium or one of those Nordic countries.

April 23, 2021:  Rough nite last nite aftet taking multi-vitamin. Up “early” at 9:45 a.m. Short nap. In ’til 4ish. Walk up to M.S. Portola. Cold day. “Sir Allen” at M.S. I was excited to see him and vice versa. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Starbucks. #43 home. Prosperos Roundtable. 11 people. Talk about fresh vegetables. Call Sarah later to get Translation sense testimony for tomorrow. (Sense testimony: People resist new paradigms.)

April 23 dream:  A lot of us  sit down to eat. Then many of them go up the hill (on La Brea?) to sit down with their food. I decide to join them.

April 22, 2021:  Really happy that jury duty is next Friday at 440 McAllister instead of tomorrow at 855 Brannon. Shits at 3ish, just before leaving. Walk to Excelsior library. Walk to G.P. Talk to Lee’s mom. Hawk at G.C.P. Then beautiful, mixed race motorcyclist on Amethyst Way. He told me about his three motorcycles and said to me, “It’s never too late.” (*Relates to hawk and crow from Portola Drive hier, I think.) Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Cute young boy with glasses avoided my glances.

April 22 dream:  At family reunion, my father there. I stick up for the school he, I and guy named Clint went to. It seems Clint and I had the possibility of some sort of relationship. When he leaves, he kisses girl in kitchen good-bye. Then kisses me good-bye. And gives himself the middle finger as if to say, “Fuck me.” And kind of shrugs in apology. Ben G. there, too?

April 22 dream:  Big disagreement between two buildings in L.A. Manager asks everyone to come out in the street to talk about it. I tell a friend, “I’ve never seen—well, maybe once or twice—something like this happening in S.F.”

April 22 dream:  My brother bought a park bench in London just in case…

April 21, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Two beautiful guys in W.G. One Asian. One Latino. Big German shepherd. Very friendly. I wave. He barks. Hawk and crow over Portola Drive. Starbucks. #43 home. John Cade at W.F. bakery. Shits on getting home. Jerk off later.

April 21 dream:  Have nice talk with my cousins and their family. They like my apartment. So do I. I take off for a run.

April 20, 2021:  Fill out online jury questionnaire. In ’til 3ish. Cold and windy day. Walk up Portola Drive. At last minute decide to go to CVS to get walnuts. See my friend Pat. He greets me as I enter store. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) I wait in line for several minutes so I can talk to him. He looks really beautiful today. Find out he got J&J as well. Then Starbucks. Meet Seamus. #43 home. Insight: Since my father was now fucking me, I must be my mother. Since she was now dead, I took on her identity.

April 20 dream:  Trying to put picture back in place. Some bugs still around. (*Relates to memory of last night, I think.)

April 20 dream:  Even though I didn’t win contest, other two gave me their turkey dinner. So much food it was overflowing my plate. And my hands were more than full.

April 20 dream:  President dies. Only one of three living presidents shows up for funeral. I visit friend’s apartment. Look for bowl. Only one dusty bowl in cabinet of the right size. I take it out. Walk to empty lobby. Two young black aboriginals have started fire in pit in which they are seated. They laugh gleefully that all will soon burn down, though the fire appears to be ebbing, and I walk towards the other side of the room where there’s a fire extinguisher on the wall. (*Relates to memory of last night as well, I think.)

April 19, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to M.S. Portola. RHSing the FDA and the CDC and my father for betraying my trust and feigning they/he did it out of “love.” Hawk at San Benito and Ocean. Asian guy in line in front of me at M.S. smiles at me. Then Maggie makes a point of saying hello to me. Nice barista at Starbucks who asked if my day was as “productive” as it was hier. Find key at stoplight. #43 home. Learn Cenk Uygur also had the J&J vaccine. Tough night getting to sleep. I am getting tenser and tenser. Feel like I’m about to explode or implode. I finally get up around 2:30 a.m. and start shaking uncontrollably. I think I’m dying ’cause of J&J vaccine I got two weeks ago. I call VA. Barry talks me down and eventually I stop shaking. Barry convinces me it’s not the J&J. Later I realize it’s the memory I’ve been asking my unconscious for for months. It’s the memory of how I felt about my father. And I was scared to death. I continued my RHS, releasing my father as an out-picturing of my own young awareness. I always made a big deal about remembering how I came from God. But I was willing to give all that up (my divine Father, if you will) for the prospective love of my father.

April 19 dream:  Eating fake bacon sandwich. Janet Cornwell takes a piece of my bacon. Tom C. there also.

April 19 dream:  Clean, clear swimming pool. (*Relates to RHS of my father. See diary of April 19.)

April 19 dream:  Right wing candidates and one Democrat win initial election.

April 19 dream:  Working on political campaign with two guys. They mentioned that Barry Goldwater did something. I say, “Barry Goldwater, Senior?” They say, “Yes.” I say, “I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for him ’cause he stood up for his gay grandson.” We go into resto. Two cute little boys dressed in black uniforms with ties rush up to us. Woman talks with them.

April 18, 2021:  Get up early. Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. Ben leads us in “Spontaneous Conversation” which wasn’t all that spontaneous. 23 or 24 in attendance. It inspired me, though, with a SynCon idea to have a SponCon SynCon: A Spontaneous Conversation Synergetic Convergence. Take nap. Then RHS workshop at 3 p.m. John A. talks about a “sob” which he was frightened to experience. Walk to Starbucks Portola about 4ish. See beautiful Asian guy on way up. Then Anthony (briefly) at Starbucks. #43 home. See beautiful Asian guy again. Get off bus and follow him for a while down Plymouth. Email Rick with my SponCon SynCon idea. Donald Hoffman on YouTube talks about the exhilaration and terror of consciousness exploration, like what I experienced with John in January ’87 at Unitarian Church. Insight: My hypochondria related to my fear of my father?

April 18 dream:  Returning safely. Everyone partying.

April 17, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior, Translating foreign/forest. My conclusion: All is clearing. All is clear. My gay friend at Excelsior library. Lee at G.P. I tell him I had the J&J the day before they stopped it. He said, “You’re lucky.” I said, “I’m not so sure. Now I have a one in a million chance to get a blood clot.” Lee laughed and clapped his hands together loudly. I’d never seen him so animated. “You’ll be fine,” he said. I think it was a mutation from my Translation. Walk to Safeway. Feel sudden shits around 5ish. Take shits in Safeway bathroom. (*Relates to John reading my diary from hier?) Continue shopping. #43 home. Insight: I hang on to my pain ’cause it feels normal to me.

April 17 dream:  Wrestling matches at the sea. When the men wrestled each other, they tore each other’s clothes off. One older man in particular wrestled a younger man and tore his clothes off As I watched I knew I would be humiliated. After which, everyone got bored and went into the ocean for a swim. (*Relates to my father humiliating me in his bedroom in Menlo Park when I was 9 or so?)

April 16, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Earlier got call from VA. Later realized it was probably bogus. (*Relates to “Expect the Unexpected” from April 13?) As I was coming to this realization, walking up Portola Drive, man walking past me waves and smiles, as if in agreement. Anthony at Starbucks. He was juggling all sorts of drinks. I say to him, ”You’re getting very good at this.” He smiles and kind of curtsies. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30. Only seven present.

April 16 dream:  Lots of ham and cheese pizzas before my order. (h.o.)

April 16 dream:  My boss at work, Barry Bram, comes in depressed. I say, “Perhaps we should do some trust exercises.” He says, “My son died today. That the 2nd son of mine to die.” I put my hand on his shoulder. He said he [his son] was out skateboarding and did a risky stunt.

April 16 dream:  Crossing the bay, the sun is still up. I think, “Wow, we really got involved in a school where we were taught how to overcome our past and live in a world of unpredictable possibilities.”

April 15, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to M.S. Portola. Cute Mexican guy with two others at deep hole in alleyway. I say, “It’s deep.” He looks at me in surprise. Maggie at M.S. kind of short with me. But I flirted with her Asian workmate. Starbucks. #43 home. Cute guy gets on. I check him out several times. He pretends not to notice.

April 15 dream:  Someone in our house is having a birthday tomorrow. Woman being doted on by her husband wants to know if somebody will take on the responsibility of making the drinks.

April 15 dream:  Steve H. has this beautiful body he’s never had before. We start kissing. Then we fall asleep. Later I start making out with his body which he really likes. I asked if he went to the gym. “No,” he said. He just worked at jobs that required exercise.

April 15 dream:  Young school girl in the bedroom of most popular guy in school. (*Relates to me in my father’s bedroom back in the ’50s?)

April 15 dream:  Woman on airplane with brand new 45 rpm record player and records.

April 14, 2021:  Glanced at The Aquarian Gospel of Jesus the Christ. Read “And Jesus said, These scribes and Pharisees are not the scions of the tree of life, they are not plants of God; they are the plants of men, and every foreign plant shall be plucked up.” Also read that Gov. Newsom and Pres. Biden had had the J&J shots. That helped me for some reason. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Feeling very horny. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home.

April 14 dream:  Was going to pee into toilet full of dry clothes. Decided not to. Leigh B. there. She gave me a book which I’m very excited about. I’m a little more than half way thru. About attaching electrodes to parts of your body. Leigh said, “I almost went into that.”

April 14 dream:  Talking with Chris Hinrichs. I ask him, “How did you find The Prosperos? Was it Thane?” He said, “No, it was Elaine Peterson.” We were walking back to small gathering of students.

April 13, 2021:  J&J vaccine paused. Steve H. was right. (*See diary of April 9.) While I’m in the middle of freaking out, Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Cute young guy at Portola & O’Shaughnessy. He smiles at me with his eyes. Then sits down on nearby bench. After I don’t approach, he walks down O’Shaughnessy after some other guy. Then Starbucks. Shared my concern about the J&J vaccine with counterperson. #43 home. Nasty woman who gets off at same stop as mine and goes into low-income building next to mine. See “Expect the unexpected.” Translate vaccine. Later hear opinion that the six women who got sick may not even have gotten sick from the vaccine. May be due to birth control pills.

April 12, 2021:  Go to copy place to get label to return my size 36 pants which were too small. Luckily postal worker was sitting in his van with door open and took my package. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Anthony there. We give each other thumbs up. #43 home. See beautiful muscular young guy sitting near doorway, wearing sweat pants and sleeveless sweatshirt. I stand near him rather than taking a seat elsewhere. He asks if I want a seat. I say, “No, thanks.” Then I ask him, “Are you a dancer?” “A what?” he says. “A dancer.” “A what?” “One who dances,” I say. He says, “No.” Then, “Why do you ask?” I say, “Because of your bearing.” Later see that the two girls sitting behind him are with him. They all leave together. When I get home, there’s a blank phone message from 4:38 p.m., almost exactly the time this took place.

April 12 dream:  Friend play fights with me in my bed. I say, “Not here. Now now.” Struggle to wake up.

April 12 dream:  Dance with Lauren S. at party. Actually, we were the only couple dancing.

April 12 dream:  Running thru a national park. I’m AWOL from the military and sooner or later they will probably check up on me.

April 11, 2021:  In ’til 3:45 or so. Walk to M.S. Portola. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Work on book. C.S. Lewis video in p.m.

April 11 dream:  Troupe from Europe getting ready to perform in California. (h.o.)

April 11 dream:  Point to caregiver. “Smarter than you is you,” I tell fellow caregiver. That makes me feel good.

April 11 dream:  The Soviet Union lands on the moon. TV shows reaction of short, Irish woman actor and the audience reaction to her. She says, “From Pittsburg to the Soviet Union” and makes a face of great wonderment.

April 10, 2021:  Translation workshop at 9 a.m. Try to nap later. In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Talk with Lee and his mother about vaccines. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. See Jun walking into his salon. Follow very beautiful tall, young Asian man with sort of pony tail into bread section. I walk near him. He seems undecided. I say, “Lots of choices.” he says, “Yeah, I can’t decide.” I go to banana bin. Want to flee, but stick around until the moment is over. (*Relates to single hawk and circling hawks at G.C.P. on April 7, I think.) Later, mulling this over, get single ring on my land line.

April 10 dream:  J. rushing up stairs to have sex with one or two of his friends.

April 9, 2021:  Center for Humane Technology group online at 10 a.m. Not very impressed for 2nd week in a row. Steve H. calls to tell me that J&J vaccine may cause blood clots. But not to worry. I told him, “I thought it was the AstraZeneca vaccine.” In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Anthony there. He’s friendly but cool. #43 home. Sit near cutish guy. He sticks his butt in my face as he exits. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30. Kind of depressing in that we always seem to talk about the same things: how to reach young people, how to improve our website, etc.

April 9 dream:  Looking for job acting in movies. Tell friend I may not get one. (h.o.)

April 9 dream:  Jonathan F. takes piece of cake from me and stops working for a while.

April 9 dream:  Beautiful woman with soft skin comes up to table I’m standing at. Everyone in the room wants her, including me.

April 8, 2021:  Wake up to a pre-announced 45 minutes fire alarm. Try to take nap later. In ’til 4:15ish. Walk up to Starbucks Portola. Follow guy on Ulloa. Kaleb at Starbucks. I ask about “masculine” guy I met at Starbucks on Tuesday. He said it was probably Victor. Walk to bus stop. Cute, well-built cyclist in Spandex at crosswalk. He goes ahead on red light. I say, “Wait.” he goes again. I say, “Wait.” #43 home. Beautiful guy walking his bike up Plymouth. I debate getting off bus but decide I don’t need to. (*First cyclist relates to first hawk from hier? Second cyclist relates to hawks circling each other hier? No. See diary of April 10.) Cute, confused Asian guy with unzipped pants get on #43 as I get off. (*Relates to how I was feeling?) Shits when I get home.

April 8 dream:  Dream somebody is in my kitchen which is part of a bigger apartment complex. I tell him, “Hey, get out of my kitchen.” I’m about to get up when I wake up.

April 8 dream:  Kamala Harris is hot for me. She wants to stay in the same Ramada that I’m staying in while the hospital takes care of me. Another woman also is hot for me.

April 8 dream:  Something about Craig Northrup?

April 7, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Get my COVID certificate laminated. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then, just as I arrive at G.C.P., one nearby hawk. Then two hawks circling each other. Starbucks. Kitty and other woman. #43 home. I sit next to cute young with glasses on. Then another cute self-assured young man gets on. First guy gets off on Flood. Second guy gets off with me at my stop.

April 7 dream:  At court hearing everyone is very pro-woman including the woman trying to seduce me. She says, “You’re 12.” and I couldn’t disagree.

April 7 dream:  Driving around the edge of Lake Tahoe. People threatening us. General mayhem.

April 7 dream:  Get job at big fancy law firm. Can’t figure out where things are. Finally wander out of the building. Run into young man. We talk. He wanders off. Try to find a place to sort through my papers to find phone number so I can call the temp agency or my employer. Go to part of S.F. I’d never seen before. Lots of very well-dressed people running to make the performance on time. I thought, “I’ve never seen that before.”

April 6, 2021:  Up early to go to VA for COVID shot at 10:45 a.m. Take K to Market and Third. Feel a little “shitty.” Beautiful, tall, dark and handsome man in shorts on Third Street. Get shot. Walk up Market to Laguna. See dead mouse on Market. Still feeling “shitty.” Take K to Portola shopping center. Have nice talk with Maggie at M.S. Then Starbucks. Adam there. He still doesn’t register with me. Other very masculine guy with buzz cut. I’m kind of blown over by him. #43 home. Work online ’til 4ish. Shits at 4ish. Walk to copy place to get my COVID certificate laminated, but they closed at 4. Take nap. Feeling crappy all evening.

April 6 nap dream:  I’m about to join others swimming in elevated, dammed-up ocean, but I get called away. Taking pictures of explosions in the East Bay. Bob Meslinsky arrives in official Red Cross-type outfit. I try to kiss him, then say, ” Oh, I forgot. We aren’t supposed to kiss anymore.”

April 6 dream:  In motorcycle race with two Toms and two others. I’m not racing, just releasing the drivers at the right moment.

April 6 dream:  My employers want to keep on young female singer ’cause they believe the’ll be the next Bardu.

April 6 dream:  Horses swimming in clear, grayish/yellowish waves. One playfully biting another.

April 6 dream:  “3 weeks.”

April 6 dream:  On lawn discussing getting rid of H,W,, M. requirement for our group which has grown a lot since we started about a year ago.

April 6 dream:  Give Oprah an article on gay women. I have a sort of thing for her.

April 5, 2021:  Finish work early. Work on book. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola to Starbucks. Anthony there. I ask him about guy named Adam who used to work there. He served old woman drink and asked if she wanted a straw. She didn’t hear him. So I repeated, “Do you want a straw?” She returned and got her straw. I think (but do not say to Anthony), “We make a good team.” (*Relates to shits from two days ago?) #43 home. Receive $1400 credit card in mail. Take a while to figure out how to transfer money to my bank.

April 5 dream:  Somebody trying to check out my teeth. I hide them.

April 4, 2021:  3 p.m. RHS workshop. Al leaves early. Steve H. there. Walk down Ocean and up to Monterey to Safeway. Then #43 home right away. Call Steve H. We talk almost an hour. Line goes dead just when Steve starts talking about the global warming “hoax.” Insight: My father wants me to hit him (i.e., be a man) so he can let himself off the hook about what he did to me (i.e., made me a woman).

April 4 dream:  Big hunk of wax comes out of my left ear.

April 4 dream:  Take girl to motel pool game from balcony. Someone throws a frisbee our way. I don’t go for it. My girlfriend gets closer to guy competing with me.

April 4 dream:  Thane leaves, then comes back. I had spilled some water on the floor. He suggests that we get rid of the coverings on the mats. So I did. I admitted I had spilled some water.

April 4 dream:  I was getting ready to go on TV news to talk about important historical moment/speech in Black history.

April 3, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 4:30ish. Walk down Ocean and up towards Starbucks Portola. Feel “shits” coming on. Turn around and go home. Make it home around 5:30. Have “shits.” Go to Target for matcha latte. Meet Ashton Kutcher/Tom Carroll/Tom C.-type guy at Walgreens. I follow him from aisle to aisle for a while. He’s beautiful and funny. (*Relates to guy I saw at Creighton’s on March 31, I think.) Then Target. Then home.

April 3 dream:  They started playing the moving music to AOC’s/our documentary. My father, who was standing next to me, puts his hand out to touch me.

April 3 dream:  Go to dinner with Nannie (my father’s mother) and others. I catch her on the step ladder down. She’s very nicely dressed. We both mention that we ate too much. Run into Louise Denish and others who attended lecture by Lincoln.

April 2, 2021:  10 a.m. online meeting by Social Dilemma creators. Not very impressed. Get vaccine appointment for April 6!!! In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. Not excited to see me. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Then Anthony at Starbucks. He is happy to see me today. I give him card for Jun’s hair salon. #43 home. Late for Prosperos Roundtable. Only 8 in attendance.

April 2 dream:  Trying to fill the warehouse order of some big shot.

April 2 dream:  At pool next to ugly government building, guy in very brief swim suit with hairy ass. Girlfriend pulls him out of water. They are gleeful about he huge wave of water that is coming.

April 2 dream:  Moving into my new apartment. Get phone call from phone I didn’t know I had. Cathy T. picks up. Then someone else. Then I take it since it’s my house. It’s William Fennie. He says, “What are you doing?” I say, “We just got back from [some place] and we’re moving in.”

April 1, 2021:  10 a.m. VA appointment. Bills. Monthly BB. Feel bad about VA appointment. Admitting to therapist that when my mother was shot and killed in front of me, I thought, “At last. I’m going to be famous.” In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to Starbucks. Kaleb brief with me. #43 home. RHS my father on the way. Run into Tom Blair on way in.

April 1 dream:  At friend’s house. They continue same enjoyment from hier. Thane tells me, “You know, you’re in the Florida 16 group.”

April 1 dream:  “Michael,” Black woman calls my name on indoor hiking trail in an abandoned house.

March 31, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Beautiful day. Walk up Portola. Look in at Creighton’s. Cute, friendly, open, eager guy there. Then M.S. Beautiful dark-haired Asian guy stops me in my tracks. Go to Starbucks. See Asian guy again. I stop in my tracks. No response. I walk past him and then turn around and walk backwards. Still no response. Makes me mad/sad. (*Relates to haunted garden dream of March 30?) #43 home. Similar acting Asian guy on #43 gets off at my stop.

March 31 dream:  Walk by John H.’s grandmother’s house. Door is open. Wonder if he’s there. Wonder if I can just walk in. I think I did once before. (h.o.)

March 30, 2021:  Wake up early with tight chest. Take nap later. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Then Starbucks. #43 home. See shadow of hawk? See Noah at W.F. Later cute Asian guy with big, black afro. I say, “I like your hair.” He says, “Thanks.” (*Relates to distant hawk from hier?) Email to Brandee at SF Berniecrats suggesting Gloria Berry run for Congress. (*Relates to zombie dream of March 29?) “Heart attack” in p.m. relates to John reading my diary?

March 30 dream:  Getting very intimate with woman who is helping me fill out form. For example we were sitting on the floor together and her leg was placed under mine.

March 30 dream:  Go into haunted gardena and try to deconstruct the spookiness. Somebody took apart one trolley which had a lot of old pictures on it. It seemed a lot less scary.

March 29, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola to Starbucks. Anthony there. Mad at me. Not speaking to me. Distant hawk at laguna Honda Boulevard. #43 home. “John withdrawal” in p.m.

March 29 dream:  A train full of zombies or people becoming zombies. One cute guy with sunken cheeks kisses little boy on the cheek. Little boy’s mother next to them.

March 29 nap dream:  Go to new part of S.F. Meet guy as I leave resto. He puts book on counter. Says, “It’s vector science” or something like that. He leaves as I do. I turn around several times. He waves at two sets of cute twin baby boys. I am about to say to him, “I recognize you from …” And then wake up.

March 28, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola to Teresita to Foerster. Pass two women gardening on Foerster. Young woman in tight colorful pants. I thought of saying something clever about the cactuses they were planting, but couldn’t think of anything. Tried to tell myself that I was gay and that I shouldn’t bother with her. Later realized that was a lie and that a new self-confidence was emerging within me. (*Relates to hawk from hier in G.C.P, I think.) Safeway. #43 home.

March 28 dream:  In a lobby with his tall, good-looking peers, Tom C. stands out as a hero.

March 28 dream:  I agree to join a political group, trying to help people have sexual freedom and eat hard candy. Bill F. and wife there.

March 28 dream:  Sitting at table with John H.’s father and two others. I say to John H.’s father, “You’ve got great kids. Every one of them!”

March 27, 2021:  Translation workshop in a.m. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior. Follow cute guy south on Mission. Then decide to drop by 671 Madrid to see Bill H.’s house. It’s pretty nice. Then walk to Excelsior library. Finally get Misfits, Season 2. Then Lee at G.P. Then Sudoku at G.P. Then hawk at G.C.P. Then Anthony at Starbucks. Better then hier. Still feel sad on leaving him. #43 home. Beeps. YouTube video about consciousness in p.m. I scream!

March 27 dream:  Romeo and Juliet get together at end of Romeo & Juliet-type affair.

March 27 dream:  Inputting list of names. It starts to erase on its own. I type in STOP. Giants v. Dodgers game starting. Not much interest.

March 27 dream:  My Mercedes parked near gas station. I have to re-park it. Somebody says something sarcastically about how great the ’50s were.

March 26, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. to buy Chron. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks. Anthony there. I told him I mistook Timothy for him hier. He told me, “Yeah, he told me.” They were former roommates. As I left, it seemed like Anthony wanted me to say more. Felt uncomfortable. Later, I realized this probably related to last dream of March 25 of man and woman entering a rocket ship, about to take off. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30. About 11 attended. Not Tom. C. Mad at Hanz for making a big deal about being sure we pass on Translation to future generations. This is something he frequently brings up more to show off, I think, than anything else. As in, “Aren’t I clever to realize that we who knew Thane may not be around forever.”

March 26 dream:  Left a pretty big computer class without having completed the assignment. Awkward handshake with teacher as I left.

March 25, 2021:  Go to 1 p.m. dental appointment. Cute long-haired guy on K bus. He gets off at Portola. I see him later at M.S. He’s a worker there. Lots of fire engines on the way. Guy in skin-tight black shorts on Market. Sarah calls while I’m sitting in the sun waiting for my dental appointment. Charlene is my dental assistant. Meet homeless artist Brett on Market after. Then homeless guy in front of 440 bar. Then walk up Market to M.S. Nice talk with Maggie who is majoring in psychology. Timothy, Monica, and Kaleb at Starbucks. Monica’s last closing. Run into Adoré on Ocean. He just got off work and was on his way to gym. He told me of his plans to set up his own business. Insight: Me eating chocolates is like me saying, “I just want to be a normal boy.”

March 25 dream:  Visit old lady in our neighborhood. An even older lady is moaning in pain on the floor with a bloody back. Healthy, friendly dog likes me. I want to get away as soon as possible.

March 25 dream:  Somebody where I was a guest was handing out lemon meringue pie. They were thinking of giving a piece to the dog, but they didn’t give me a piece.

March 25 dream:  Young Swedish guy with tan takes off his shirt. Someone offers to give him a massage. He says, “I don’t mind a masseur, as long as he’s 84.” while looking at me. I say, “74.”

March 25 dream:  “Spent fuel.”

March 25 dream:  Profile of a man and a woman boarding mid-level on a standing rocket ship.

March 24, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Thinking about how to respond to Calvin’s email about the deanship of The Prosperos. When I forego my lawyerly response, nice strong man on Amber Drive asks me how I am. “Fine,” I say. I think he was a tulpa. Then Starbucks. Anthony there. We wave. #43 home. Two very cute guys. One in back seat eyes me. Later when he gets off, he kind of struts. Was this my TYT friend from December 13, 2020? Other guy ignores me. Then 3rd guy as I exit. I follow him to guy who walked into 1100 Ocean Avenue, who I wolf-whistled under my breath.

March 24 dream:  I get spot off bathroom rug, thus gaining points. I tell others that I get in tub. Water has mostly drained out. I’m still dressed. Others are putting their wet clothes on pipes in the ceiling.

March 24 dream:  Visit Mary L. My hair is wild and full and brown. We drive into town, me to get a haircut, she to see a friend and go to a play. I drive the car backwards to get out of lot. Slightly scrape another car. Then we (now four of us) head out into traffic.

March 24 dream:  Me and friend talking about the importance of not throwing out lust. We are on busy freeway. He drives me to outdoor church I had been to once before.

March 23, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk down Ocean. Cute young guy trips on sidewalk. Then disappears. Hawk flies to lamppost. Then disappears. (Made me mad.) On to Starbucks Portola. Tall, cute guy at Portola and Sydney Way. I follow him to Laguna Honda Boulevard. Hooded skateboarder says, “Hi.” Very cute dark-haired guy in sweatpants on #43. He avoided my glances. Then nice guy who I followed to McD parking lot. Felt a little grief on leaving him. On #43 home, came up with term “spiritual athlete” for how I felt about myself and my life.

March 23 dream:  Chris Rock-type guy under the covers with me shaving one of my legs at the direction of somebody else.

March 22, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Portola to M.S. Then Starbucks. As I leave Starbucks, M.S. worker I’d never seen before holds the door open for me. (*Relates to sudden hawk hier at GCP?) Guy waiting for #43 across the street from me. Cute guy on #43 avoiding my glance. I sit near him. He gets off at my stop. We diverge. Then come together again. Turns out he lives across Ocean Avenue from me. Guy smoking outside W.F. I say, “Is this the smoking area?” He says, “Yes.” I say, “Too bad I don’t smoke.”

March 22 dream:  Somebody gave me a note saying he owed me $40 ’cause I protected him from being kissed by someone. (h.o.)

March 22 dream:  Three healthy men getting all excited about conjugated obscure verbs and needlepoint beginning 5 months from now or now.

March 22 dream:  Test in use of semicolons. Two cute but bratty little kids who wouldn’t go home.

March 21, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. RHS (Releasing the Hidden Splendour) workshop at 3 p.m. In ’til 5ish. Walk to Portola to Starbucks. Cute Japanese guy outside Japanese resto on Ocean. Talk to my father in my mind. I say, “How would you like to be sexually accosted?” Then realized maybe that’s what he did want. To be sexual with another man. And in mid-’50s America, I was the closest thing he could allow himself. So in a way my father was telling me that this is what he wanted but he could only go so far. And maybe I’d be able to go further in my life (like every parent wants something better for their children). (*Relates to motorcycles and guy giving me a thumbs up on Mission Street hier?) Further insight: When my mother was shot dead in front of me, I thought: “At last, I’m going to become famous.” And when my father told me he was going to remarry, I thought: “At last, I can go back to being a “normal’ boy.’” In both instances my ego was exposed. With my mother’s death, it was pretty obvious. With my father remarrying, who was I kidding? I was never going to be a ‘normal’ boy. #43 home. Cute taciturn Japanese guy smiles at me. Then pretended I didn’t exist.

March 21 dream:  My 2nd mother is very involved in my school, but on the other side of the issues than me. I tell her, “Thank you very much, mother, for being involved in our school.”

March 21 dream:  I lied to my boss, told him I was 84 when I was really 87.

March 20, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. See maybe 100 motorcycles on Ocean Avenue. Think maybe it relates to John. Guy on Mission Street store gives me a thumbs up as I pass. Then G.P. Then as I enter G.C.P. hawk flies very close over my head and around me. As I think this must relate to John, too, gay guy walking the other direction smiles at me. Hear roar of motorcycles (the same group from before?) as I approach M.S. Kaleb at Starbucks. See “lingering finish.” #43 home. Bunch of too-loud young skateboarders in back of bus. They get off at Ridgewood. One of them is beautiful young black guy with long flowing mane of black hair. I’m furious I didn’t know he was one of them. I would certainly have sat amongst them if I knew. Hope and assume I’ll run into him again sometime. In p.m. Translate “Consumption of some foods can cause pain.” Conclusion: Truth translates everything into energy, resulting in endless pleasure.

March 20 dream:  Trying to sign up for gym. Not any vacancies and gyms that are open make too many demands.

March 20 dream:  Taking class with lots of people. Tom C. there. He asks out pretty young law student from Hayward. They go off in car with many other young kids. Then she gets out. As I’m walking out, someone makes a comment that I’m very feminine looking. I have my jacket loosely hanging over my shoulder. Later drive S.F. street I’d never seen before from this direction.

March 19, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola and the over the hill to Safeway. Young man with his mother. I desired him perhaps more than I should have. So I walked on. Later ran across him again. He looked at me excitedly. I looked at him excitedly. He had on a T-shirt saying “University of Area 51”). Other guy there, too. Really long lines. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. not there. I came in late. Conversation veered off to discussing straight guy who liked to wear his girlfriend’s underwear. I said, “It’s just the literal enactment of ‘getting into somebody’s pants.’” Apparently that offended one person. I felt good about it.

March 19 dream:  Guy runs after me on the street and catches up with me and threatens me with his belt. He is joined by two other guys. They can’t figure out what’s going to get me off.

March 19 dream:  Not speaking to one guy. Then another. Can’t remember why.

March 18, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola to Starbucks. Kaleb there talking about Starbucks stars. #43 home. DSA podcast on the Paris commune at 6:30 p.m. Taylor moderates. He’s cute and sweet and apparently married. Lots of self-important talk.

March 18 dream:  Backyard and back of Saratoga house is falling apart. White manager is no longer listening to black manager.

March 18 dream:  “The Sale of 57 Schools”(?) by Patricia Gruber(?). Thane recommends it as we work from center. I put rug on floor and circular mirror so people won’t fall thru to the basement. Thane says to me, “I feel sorry for a public person like you. You’ve got a lot of uncovering to do.”

March 18 dream:  Woman gets hit by car on hilly street of S.F. She doesn’t want any help. I go to fancy resto where you pay different prices to sit in different areas. I walk out. Guy towing cart talking about his grandmother’s “pussy.”

March 17, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola to Starbucks. Kaleb tells me (again) that he lives near Minnie and Lovie Park which is just over the hill from where I live. #43 home. Guy at Ocean and Lee who didn’t want to play with me. Listen to Richard Tarnas and Adam Curtis on YouTube in p.m.

March 17 dream:  I give woman instructions on last shipment, rolled into piece of chocolate. Then we kissed in front of one of her co-workers.

March 17 dream:  Older English woman who we were vacationing with told us she had gotten shot in the back of her leg. I asked if it was accidental. She didn’t respond. We were eating French fries and biscuits.

March 17 dream:  July 15, 1999.

March 17 dream:  Thane going off about something a few doors down. It lasted for quite a while.

March 17 dream:  Tom O. on ledge of building talking about how Hillary wasn’t that important a member of the family. He was inviting someone to join him. He kept walking out and it turned out there was a clear plastic walkway across the whole street.

March 16, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk thru CCSF to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Talked with Lee. Told him I was interested in the J&J vaccine. He said that it’s only 60% effective. I said I’d take my chances. Then see ’59 red Mustang (just like the car I saw in a light reverie as I was awakening this a.m.) I googled ’59 red Mustang and it was the same one I saw. (J. was born in ’59.) Then G.C.P. Trip on way out. As I arrive on Portola Drive, see beautiful strong man with baby on his stomach. I pass in front of him and notice cute little sun glasses baby had on. I said, “I like the sunglasses.” He said, “And they’re polarized.” They crossed to the other side of the street and I looked back and saw them walking in the same direction as me. Then looked back again and they were gone. Starbucks. #43 home. Skateboarder trying to avoid my glance.

March 16 dream:  Tell group I was talking to that I helped Tom C. out financially (by lending him $40).

March 15, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk Ocean to Portola. Joan at Walgreens tells me she thinks we’ll never get back to normal. Walk up Portola to M.S. Check out with my friend who just cut his own hair with Wahl clippers. Anthony at Starbucks. We wave hello and later goodbye. #43 home.

March 15 nap dream:  Take public bus somewhere. It stops half-way. Have to take private bus. Nancy O. has no money so I buy her ticket. Now she owes me $5. Woman taking my money was an Aquarian into astrology.

March 15 dream:  Hang out with some beatniks in N.Y. They want me to follow strict procedures.

March 15 dream:  Have whole table full of addresses we need to input and mail to. I feel overwhelmed. But I tell my female supervisor that 3 or 4 of us are in today and that we should be able to make some progress and that if other jobs come up we’ll do them as they arrive. Also, an open box full of unwrapped chocolate candy bars.

March 14, 2021:  Sleep ’til noon (Daylight Savings Time). Insight: Realize that I’ve encountered all three of John’s  brothers (Rick, Bob and Bill) in the past. Rick in ’95 or ’96 when I (and I guess he) was volunteering at Galileo High School. I looked at him. He walked away flirtatiously. Bob, one day when I was visiting John at his Real Food store on 24th Street. He looked very much like John and came on to me like John as well. And finally Bill, who I saw one day sitting on a building ledge over Castro Street during a Castro Street Fair. He just looked at me. In ’til 4ish. (*This realization relates to first hawk/owl from hier, I think.) Walk down Ocean and up Portola. Kaleb at Starbucks. He says, “I like your haircut.” (*Relates to 2nd hawk from hier?) #43 home.

March 14 dream:  Take elevator down to 1st floor to hear presidential debate. Woman there says, “You’ll be the only boy.” Then she ask why I’m interested. I asked her if she was going. She said, “Of course.”

March 14 dream:  Me being attracted to two women in tight dresses.

March 13, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. 7 attended. We Translated “Healthcare workers are overwhelmed.” My conclusion: “Nothing can overpower Truth.” Anonymous call at noonish. (*Relates to hawks from hier?) Online work. Nap. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Hawk (or owl?) on Ocean Avenue. Then see card on sidewalk which says, “We were meant to be.” And more. Then Excelsior. Librarian was reading about Dante. Then another hawk on Monterey Boulevard. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. See coyote. Then Janet, the “Coyote Lady.” Then Starbucks. #43 home. Insight: Touching from September 28 was possibly John’s mother Lucille comforting me for the behavior of her son(s).

March 13 dream:  Fill out application for speaker to speak in S.F.

March 13 dream:  In Sacramento on very relaxed train. Leave the train to go in town. Forget my two bags of luggage which contained my I.D. Go back. Trains are suddenly crowded and hot. Can’t find my I.D.

March 12, 2021:  Up early. Online work. Take nap. 2 p.m. haircut with Jun. Hawk or two at CCSF parking lot on the way. Jun and I talk about being gay, which he says he’s not. Safeway. Cute guy there. I talk with him briefly. #43 home. Out again. Follow cute guy across the street. Go to burrito place. Throw it away ’cause worker didn’t use plastic gloves. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 Tom C. there seemed very sad. Later saw him smiling at his wife which made me sad. After midnight, hear and see person being carried out of their apartment on a stretcher accompanied by 8 or so medics. (*Hope this relates–metaphorically–to John.)

March 12 dream:  My mother’s death is being looked into (h.o.)

March 12 dream:  Quickly read thru book given in class.

March 11, 2021:  Slept ’til 11:30 a.m. Still recovering from yesterday’s “Surprise.” Sarah calls. Mary L. calls. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. and up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Tesia there. #43 home. 5:30 meeting re Chesa Boudin. Shits in p.m.

March 10, 2021:  Insight: Realized NROTC dream of February 14 may relate to me thinking about moving back to Polk Street area to recap the excitement of first moving to S.F. John or one of his brothers called in a.m. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Did some internet research on John. Found out his apartment number, which I never knew. They also listed three phone numbers, all of which I called. Not sure any of them were good. Walk up Portola to M.S. See “Surprise.” Then Starbucks. #43 home. More research on John. Found out his mother died in 2019. Also that he has a long-time partner named KK Downey. Not sure if that’s a real person or not. (*Relates to “Surprise” from earlier today?) Maybe I’m KK Downey.

March 10 dream:  It’s lunch beak in class. Someone going to Hawaii to swim. I want to go someplace to eat.

March 9, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Decide to walk up Monterey to use Safeway restroom. Two little neurotic, unleashed, barking dogs on the way. Safeway restroom closed. Catch #43 right away home. Take shit. Then walk to Walgreens (for Chron) and Target (for matcha) and home. Follow cute guy in and out of W.F. Then McDs. Then home. Big rain about 12:45 a.m. Sounded like the sky was falling.

March 9 dream:  I’m sitting with Thane and another person between us. I’m reading from some book of Thane’s I’d never read before. He’s talking about Lee, who he said brought a lot of negativity and yet a lot of positivity. I said, “I’d never heard you talk about him before. “ he said, “Did you know you could get [either] cirrhosis or pregnant medically?”

March 9 dream:  Attend Prosperos assembly-type event over the weekend. Visit other Prospero student after. One woman gets all teary on leaving. I think she’s in love with me. She says, “I love you, Mark,” referring to the guy standing behind me. There was a wavy waterway just outside. And in the distance some kind of smoking explosion.

March 9 dream:  I help clean up outdoor school area.

March 9 dream:  Having fun online wish the Sunday Nite Translation group.

March 8, 2021:  Online work. Take nap. In ’til 4ish. As I walk out masked skateboarder (Jesse?) waves hello as he entered W.F. Walk up Portola to Starbucks. Anthony there. He’s cut all his hair off. As I leave he says, “Bye.” I say, “Bye” and involuntarily twerk my butt. (*Relates to hawk from hier. Also March 6 dream of very gay guy, I think.) #43 home. Vegetable guy and beautiful woman who checks me out at W.F. Home.

March 8 dream:  Three guys at my apartment finally leave. Then hang out outside. Then finally come back in. I want them to leave but then I start feeling up the cutest one and he me. And we have sex in front of several others. (h.o.)

March 8 dream:  Went to the Castro at night. Avoiding place where people expected me to go. Heard of after-hours club just opening up called the Blue Angel. It was mostly young lesbians. Turns out I sat across from one of the only guys there. He looked like a very young Ricky Nelson with a stubble beard. He said intensely something about “Johnson.” I said somebody mentioned that to me earlier in the day. Minister there is giving awards to those who did well in their group. I was interested in what he was doing so began reading about it.

March 7, 2021:  Watch sexual abuse survival video. Insight: Refusing sex with beautiful men a form of self-abuse? In ’til 4ish. Walk up Portola. Translation conclusion: Truth is infinite appropriate energy. See hawk over Portola. M.S. Starbucks. Go to #43 Muni stop. No phone. So I retrace all my steps. Go to M.S. Starbucks, 7-11 and walk all the way home, Translating along the way. Half way home realize I may have left phone at home, which turned out to be the case.

March 7 dream:  Sean Connery at EDD. He shows me old raggedy signs that say we need to re-register every summer. I say, “I’m not going to do that unless they ask me personally.”

March 7 dream:  A healing service or memorial on October 11 and 12. Two women and I began it with a fun song talking about the devil and sin.

March 7 dream:  “a felt earthquake.”

March 6, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Check out Real Life from the guy who recommended it to me. On to G.P. Talk with Lee. Then G.C.P. Little boy comes running up to me to say hello. Come up with insight about wealth: “Real wealth is not how much you’ve accumulated. It’s how much you’ve let go.” Starbucks. #43 home.

March 6 dream:  At Prosperos center, words on back of matchbook says, “If we don’t have your number, call us. Call me.” Then street sign comes up to my desk and falls over and says, “Call this number.”

March 6 dream:  Guy has us tearing up boxes with with our hands. I say, “That’s not too bad. You had us killing people earlier.”

March 6 dream:  Very gay guy wins contest I didn’t know we were still having. I was just behind him though. Everyone remarks how gracious he and others were. I drive off thinking, “I’ve got to get back to my regular life.”

March 5, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Beautiful black woman security guard at Walgreens. I turn around and she’s a he. Walk up Portola. Sergio at Starbucks doesn’t even look at me. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. 11 attended. My solution to the right-wing: “Outlive the bastards.”

March 5 dream:  Edith gets thrown in the pool. Then remembers where she was.

March 5 dream:  Woman’s cake should have been set aside before it was counted.

March 5 dream:  Hanging out with magnetic but unattractive British guy. I’m British, too.

March 5, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m.

March 4, 2021:  Online work. Excellent jerk-off session. In ’til 4ish. Walk up Portola to Teresita to Safeway. See Alan there. Anonymous call in p.m. (*Relates to shits from hier?)

March 4 dream:  Trying to retrieve damaged sheets to submit to somebody.

March 4 dream:  Lots of soldiers (including me) crawling along railway track so as not to be seen by the oncoming train.

March 4 dream:  In N.Y. with new friend on trolley. They were talking about person they knew. I asked it they knew Chris [Hinrichs].

March 4 dream:  Strange, naked man with vagina asks if he can hang out with couple at their home.

March 3, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Take shits at M.S. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Stop midway to take photo of rain over the ocean. Then I’m late for 5 p.m. Wolf-PAC meeting. Only 7 of us there. Then 6:30 p.m. Berniecrats meeting which lasted almost 3 hours. They didn’t bring up the creation of a recruiting committee as I proposed and was approved at our last meeting. So I brought that up. And it was agreed to discuss this at our next meeting. Brandon very supportive.

March 3 dream:  Start at new office. Can’t find plant I was going to dust and water. Get in conversation with 2 or 3 guys. One talking about how he wanted to be like some character I’d never heard of. Then another saying, “These underground conversations are dead important, man.” I said, “I know.” At the beginning of the conversation, I didn’t hear them. Later I did.

March 3 dream:  Look at big N.Y. apartment for fun. Many rooms. Old woman staying on in one of them. Guy says we could pay $100,000 down and pay the remaining amount in a loan. We (my friend and I) could almost do it.

March 3 dream:  Get in big “silent fight” with Ana Kasparian while she’s talking with Cenk.

March 2, 2021:  Online work. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Go to M.S. Then Starbucks. Realized I’d forgotten something. Then remembered I forgot soy milk. Get very upset with myself. Then told myself to shut up. (*Relates to fight dream last dream of February 28?) Don Bechler Zoom memorial at 5 p.m. Upstairs apartment moves out?

March 2 dream:  Trying to put cream cheese on a knife. Guy who mistrusted me goes outside to fight somebody.

March 2 dream:  Alternating gold and pearl necklace.

March 1, 2021:  Do “Don’t Kill It Bernie” video for TYT. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean. Cute little boy blocks my passage. Walgreens closed. Walk up Portola. Starbucks. #43 home. Beautiful Latino man in W.F. I follow him a bit and finally we exchange glances.

March 1 dream:  Go thru the same sky there. Some do not survive. I do. Woman in little wagon says she’s the taxi come to pick another woman up.

March 1 dream:  Man offers himself to woman.

March 1 dream:  Flying around the room to show off for some people.

February 28, 2021:  Work online. Catch up 2 or 3 days on my diary. Feel very good about what I’ve written. Like I’ve come to the conclusion of my book. In ’til 3ish. Buy Chron at Walgreens. Joan tells me she’s skeptical of taking any vaccine. I agree. Walk up Portola to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” Then Starbucks. Then #43 arrives just as I arrive at stop. I hurriedly finish my latte and put on my mask. As I enter bus, I lock eyes with beautiful black guy who’s seated across aisle from slightly overweight white woman. They get off in two more stops. Guy gives me 2nd glance as he exists bus. (*Relates to “Scarborough warning” from February 26?)

February 28 dream:  General trying to … his son off to Ms. Titmouse. i’m trying to make my way thru. (h.o.)

February 28 dream:  Kids running in excitedly to do something. I am there as well for some reason.

February 28 dream:  Visit Pat Lambert and her husband and two other people I know at new apartment complex just south of S.F. I went to see if there are any vacancies there.

February 28 dream:  Bully gives me bag of stuff and says to go for more. I say, “I’m leaving ’cause if I don’t, I’m going to kill you.” He leads me away from woman so we can fight.

February 27, 2021:  Translation group. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Five guys practicing martial arts on CCSF campus. Nice guy at library reading book about gay, black guy studying with all white men at Midwest university (Real Life). Then on to G.P. Beautiful Harley-Davidson and its owner on Cotter Street. Then two young black guys at G.P. liquor store. One not wanting to pay for bag of chips he tore. Lee and his mother there. G.C.P. Two women at Starbucks seemed to be talking about me behind my back. Then get burrito from Latina who also seemed impenetrable. Insight: Just ’cause you’ve been sexually bused as a child doesn’t necessarily mean you will abuse others. But the thought and desire to do so may have been planted. For me, the realization of the source of this desire completely eradicates any trace of it that may have existed. As Hemingway said, “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.”

February 27 nap dream:  Guys asking me about tract of land in S.F. I said I remember reading about it in the Chronicle a few days ago. One guy older. One guy younger. Younger guy has bubble butt. We all get on Muni which went up steep hill on conveyor belt. I wondered if we would make it to the top.

February 27 dream:  I told Tom O. I wanted to buy a car. He said for that particular model they send somebody over from Holland to drive it. We were in a locker room at the time.

February 27 dream:  I’m working in busy law office, supervising two other workers, one a temp.

February 26, 2021:  Get anonymous call. (Relates to guy pissing on house hier?) See “Scarborough warning.” Finish taxes. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola. Hawk in alley. Starbucks. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. 14 people attended. Insight: My fear at Unitarian Church experience with John in January 1987 related not to my fear of my father but my fear of society if they knew what I had done with him.

February 26 dream:  Returning to school in downtown S.F. Follow Maggie Cox but lose her. Take shit in open-air toilet. Administrator comes up to me and asks me to do something while I’m in the middle of shitting.

February 26 dream:  Young man wants me to help him with his Indian friend staying in Finland and comes out in the gay world. He lists himself as o/o among other things. Nice woman joins our table.

February 25, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola. Then Teresita to Safeway. Old guy pissing on front of house off Portola. Get anonymous call. Check out at Safeway. Then notice Nur at another checkout station. So I go back and buy something else just to be able to talk with him. Woman in front of me in line says, “Do you want to hear a joke?” I say, “Sure.” She says, “A man and a woman go to a retreat and there is only one vacant room left. So they agree to share it. The man is on the top bunk and the woman on the bottom. During the night the man asks the woman if she could get him another blanket? She says ‘It’s only one night. Do you want to pretend we are married?’ He excitedly says, ‘Sure.’ Then she says, ‘Great. Go get the blanket yourself.’” #43 home. Same Asian guy as hier. He’s still ignoring me. Me RHSing my father: “’As for you, you meant this for evil, but God [Consciousness] meant this for good.’ I knew you weren’t a real father. So I went out and found one. I found Thane.”

February 25 dream:  Try to share my Japanese … with friends who don’t appreciate it.

February 25 dream:  N.Y. crowd. Guy says, “I’m not myself unless I dominate the room.” I’m sitting in stairwell with others. He looks in and says, “Cover up whoever is most insecure.” My arm was covering over somebody else. Then he said hello to somebody I didn’t know was in the stairwell with me. I say, “I hate when that happens.”

February 25 dream:  Ride up to North Bay. See several old high school friends, mostly Ashley Card, who seemed really happy to see me. She showed me all her plants, especially the millennials.

February 25 dream:  Dream of tripping and falling. [Actually pull my back out.]

February 24, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Insight: My hated of women (in the abstract) relates to the privilege status they had in my family. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Anthony there. We smiled at each other. #43 home. Cute Asian guy on bus got off at the same stop as I did. Further insight: Every time I refused the invitation of some good-looking man, I was refusing my father within me. I was saying to him, “You’re not going to hurt him like you hurt me!”

February 24 dream:  A percentage of voters would still vote for Bernie Sanders. (h.o.)

February 24 dream:  Carol Carter trying to fly away from group. Or someone else trying to fly away from Carol and the group.

February 24 dream:  Votes are still being tallied up in Florida and other places. I am one of the talliers. I tell fellow tallier, “I am not a masochist.”

February 23, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Young woman in passing car yells at me in excitement. Makes me feel good. Go to library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Then M.S. Check out with”Sir Allen.” Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Cute young blond guy in muscle T-shirt on my way in. Sexual Incest Survivors phone group from 6 to 8 p.m. Made me mad at my father; “You can’t just take what you want. I’ll never be like you!” This pledge probably relates to me turning down the many sexual opportunities I’ve had with beautiful men in my life.

February 23 dream:  Check into beach hotel in building I used to live in. I didn’t go into a room but put my stuff down and got on a bed-shaped chair near an entryway. Started masturbating. Heard some people. Stopped.

February 23 dream:  I or someone is taking dictation from the Soviet government. Suddenly I am asked to stop. And being kicked out.

February 23 dream:  At Jewish newspaper, we’re toying with the headline: “Is It Over?”

February 23 dream:  “Manflood!”

February 23 dream:  I’m the de facto guy in charge of setting up the next event.

February 22, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to M.S. Portola using slightly different route. On San Pablo Avenue, think about moving to Chicago. Guy driving by smiles at me. Anthony at Starbucks. He’s dyed his hair red. I talked with him about his class on “The ’60s.” #43 home. See my hall painter friend on the way in. Insight: I may not have stood up to my father, but I did stand up to Thane. That counts for something. Watched Going Clear in p.m. Realized my cult was not The Prosperos, but my family.

February 22 dream:  Having dinner date with woman. I get out of the shower. Still an hour left on the date. We are near a swimming pool. A few others are with us.

February 22 dream:  Sit next to Bob d’Arcy on train. He had tried to get another seat but missed.

February 22 dream:  Riding on wild ride on bus. Bus stops. In Coos, I say, “Are we going to walk the rest of the way?” Write conclusion or forward to book.

February 22 dream:  Work at cab dispatch company. There are three of us phone operators. The phones go out. I go and buy some strawberry ice cream. It’s near the beach.

February 21, 2021:  Working online. Looking for YouTube I could listen to while I worked. Up popped a video about men surviving sexual abuse. Listened to video after video. Finally ran into video featuring somebody I used to work with and even went out to dinner with once. Will attend online group on Tuesday night. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean. Beautiful unmasked young man smiles slyly at me. Walk to M.S. Talk with Daniel, the vegetable guy, about Easter and other things. Checked out with “Sir Allen.” #43 home. Insight: Looking in the mirror. Not looking good. Asked myself, “Who am I trying to look good for?” Realized it was my father.

February 21 dream:  My co-worker wants to go on all day nude event. I’m not so sure.

February 21 dream:  Prosperos assembly is roaring success. Big room. Maybe 250 people. I sit next to Amy Cuff and Stephanie Bowden. Also dark-skinned guy I used to work with and liked a lot. Later on in an open-air train, we look at holographic image of woman who is afraid her money will be taken from her.

February 21 dream:  Tom O. calls me from other end of park. Wants his “smelling salts.” I comply.

February 20, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Later I jerk off. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Talk with Lee. He says he’s been writing about the S.F. Opera performing at Ft. Mason. On to G.C.P. Francesca at Starbucks Portola. Then Asian guy entering Pakwan resto as I get home. Insight: Reason I get off on cute men being humiliated (as I did earlier today when I jerked off) is because I’m re-enacting what my father did to me. He used his power over me to get off. I get off when those with power over me (beautiful men) are humiliated or brought down. That’s probably why I’ve had so much difficulty accepting sexual invitations from beautiful men. I didn’t want that self in me to emerge. This is what Billye Talmadge was talking about so many years ago when she told me that I never took into consideration my own feelings about any particular situation. (*See dream of me embracing Billye from February 19.) And also Thane’s remarks that whatever gives you a delicious sense of excitement followed by a terrible sense of shame is something which will need to be worked on a lot.

February 20 dream:  Woman saying to us, “Did anyone die last time?” I say, “Yeah, I died a couple of times.” (h.o.)

February 20 dream:  We’re sitting at a couple of tables. All kinds of men try to kiss Tom C. He tells them to knock it off.

February 20 dream:  Putting my clean clothes in the dryer.

February 19, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Pick up new Bernie mug Sarah left me. Walk up Portola to M.S. Then Starbucks. Talk with Kaleb. Sergio kind of stand-offish. #43 home. See hall painter in the lobby. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Rick Thomas not there. Tom C. not there. Pam makes me co-host.

February 19 dream:  For some reason John and a friend of his had to spend the night at my place. We slept in the same small bed. Unfortunately his friend slept between us. Neither had pants on. I stuck my hand out so John had to rest his ass on it. His ass felt wonderful. Later I ran into Billye Talmadge who looked great. She was wearing a blue and white knit suit and was on her way to a fundraiser. She said I looked giddy. I hugged her. Then Sadah Loomis came up behind her.

February 18, 2021: Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola to Starbucks. Talk with Kaleb. The meet Sergio, beautiful black-haired new guy. He says, “I’ll see you around.” #43 home.

February 18 dream:  Walking with my new female boss to work. Tell her I have a noon medical appointment. Rushing to get up to doctor’s appointment. Stairs too crowded. It’s 12:07 p.m. Eating sugar-coated Danish and feeling guilty about it.

February 17, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola and down Teresita to Safeway. Realized me saying I wanted to get away from you-know-who in yesterday’s diary may have been a big deal. I never stood up to my father. But maybe I did stand up to my father substitute. To let him know that it is not automatic that I will still love him or even want him. Deli guy at Safeway really happy to see me. Catherine at checkout. I liked her, too.

February 17 dream:  Juan charging $5 per avocado. I put his in the bowl. Another person working against me. (h.o.)

February 17 dream:  Went with four other guys from the East Bay. One who was on the swim team and had written a book. Teacher there as well. He takes off. Susan Sarandon and Carol Carter say, “It’s been too long.’

February 17 dream:  Helping move guy out from the 7th floor of old building to new place. Almost totally moved out. Old building has lots of smoke and a big kitchen in the middle.

February 16, 2021:  Anonymous call at 2ish. I say, “Come on.” Shits just before leaving at 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Kind of get off on guy I stand in line behind. Walk to G.P. Then G.C.P. Realize “Russian River” sign from February 11 probably meant that I was looking in Half Moon Bay for the same thing I was looking for in the Russian River, namely, to get away from you-know-who. Monica at Starbucks. I say, “Are you from Santa Monica, Monica?” She opened up quite a bit.

February 16 dream:  I’m really terrible on a 4-question quiz. Tom C there disguised as an old Jewish woman named Vera.

February 15, 2021:  Clint L. calls in early p.m. In ’til 4ish. Walk up Portola to M.S. Then Starbucks. Talk with Kaleb. Get “Perfect.” Then Anthony. I accidentally spill some of my latte. He says, “You’re okay.” Since my hands are full, I wave at him with my index finger. #43 home. Guy on Lee as I approached my back door. (*Relates to “Perfect” from earlier?) Translate “Democracy is fragile” in p.m.

February 15 dream:  We are not approved by PG&E. We visit wolf who was approved. He said a more wild wolf may visit us.

February 15 dream:  Some people and animals follow us out of the forest. They should be safe, we are told.

February 15 dream:  At busy law office, Barry Bram there. They want me to clear off a table so they can work. Barry sits next to me. Something about him and his secretary.

February 14, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola. Starbucks. #43 home. Guy on bus with new shoes. As I left, I said, “I like your shoes.” He said, “Thank you, man.” Listen to Michael Parenti in p.m.

February 14 dream:  Getting ready for family reunion. (h.o.)

February 14 dream:  Was going to register to go back to NROTC and finish college and do four years in the Navy as I had been scheduled to do. But as I walked to register, judge in adjoining office shakes his head “No.” So I get on train or tried to. End up riding solo on big empty cart which I was trying to figure out how to stop.

February 13, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Feeling “shitty” just before I leave home. Two or three shits. Walk to Excelsior library. Guy there smiled at me with his eyes even though he was masked. I told him so. He knew. Walk to G.P. Realize I don’t have change to buy Chron. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. Fiona there. I joke with her. She doesn’t respond. Starbucks. #43 home. Loud, aggressive, mostly black, young skateboarders in back of bus. I sit near them. Felt bad afterwards. But still loved them. Later realized how to confront the Berniecrats pronoun problem. I think my pronouns will be: he/she, him/her and his/hers. Catch up on newspapers. Memory: Harriet being upset with me when she found out through her friend at work that I had won the music award. She was upset ’cause I didn’t tell her and embarrassed that she didn’t know when her friend told her.

February 13 dream:  Get lost on road back from L.A. Have to get help nailing my steering apparatus on.

February 13 dream:  Finishing a job down at the beach. Go to young woman who I was working with. She walks with me back to the beach. The tide has come in so I can’t finish my work. She says I have to be able to finish by tomorrow a.m. There are several fins protruding from the water. I say (or she does), “Sharks.” Then she jumps on the back of one. Looks like it was too big to be a shark. And it seemed frightened and took off in a hurry. Any I didn’t see girl though.

February 13 dream:  San Luis Obispo has the best athletic team.

February 12, 2021:  Listening to “Trauma” series online. Woman said that if you dissociate because of trauma you will have no memory of it ’cause you literally weren’t there. That explains why I have no specific memory of my sexual abuse by my father. Then the VA called and wanted to know what they could do to help me alleviate stress. I told Sharon, the lady from the VA, that I’d like to get some help to dis-dissociate this memory. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola to Starbucks. Anthony there. He says, “How are you?” I say, “Fine. I had a major psychological breakthrough today.” He seemed interested. I said, “I’ll tell you about it later sometime.” He smiled. Made my day for a 2nd time. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. not there.

February 12 dream:  Guy asks us to wait while he goes into the other room. Life-size man or paper-mache man with blue suit and golden hair floats into the ornate room next to us. I/we follow him in. (h.o.)

February 12 dream:  We shouldn’t allow women to ware vagina clinging clothes when we get to the Middle East.

February 12 dream:  Just got back from trip to N.Y. Talking with two people in Hollywood about photographer. I say, “I like the idea of being pursued.” Then I say, “Oh, that came out more sexual than I intended.”

February 12 dream:  Working for Scott Wiener in a law office. Don’t have anything to do yet. Woman lawyer says, “Do you want a card?” I say, “Okay.” She hands me her purse. Then says, “I’m having a baby.”

February 12 dream:  Guy stuck up against wall after fall. I think he’s dead, but I pull him down and he’s alive. Later I rescue Nancy O. Jeff B. there.

February 12 dream:  Cookie monster who preys on kids.

February 12 dream:  The Senate gets rid of the filibuster.

February 11, 2021:  Go to rental car place downtown at 10 a.m. See John from “Under One Roof” on bus on the way. Cute guy at rental agency. He gives me two thumbs up when we finish our business. Then Alex at auto garage. Drive down to Half Moon Bay. Completely miss it the first time. Drive 14 miles south before I turn around. Go to gas station to get directions to Main Street. Cute, flustered young guy there whenever I asked him anything. Look at senior complex. Nice lobby. Place way too “senior” for me. Decide against it. Get “Perfect” on drive home. Also see “Russian River.” Think at first this is the Universe is saying to look there. Then realize that it is probably the Universe saying my search at Half Moon Bay is just like my prior searches at the Russian River. Drop off car. On way home, walk by J’s house on Geary and J’s bar and store on Castro. See J’s old boss on 19th Street. Walk up Market to Starbucks Portola. Guy on upper Market says “Hi” to me. See homeless guy I usually give $1 to. I don’t have change, so give him $5 (after banging my hand with my umbrella). My mask falls apart. I tie it back. #43 home. Obnoxious girl on bus. Insight: Remember being mad at my mother shortly before we moved back into our Menlo Park home from Japan. I was thinking (but didn’t say), “You’re not my mother” even though she obviously was. What I was thinking is that, “God is my parent. You’re not!”

February 11 dream:  Guy who’s supposed to save the world being pretty much a jerk.

February 11 dream:  Mel Gibson shirtless, tearing down toy castle.

February 11 dream:  Trying to set up an outdoor sound system. Couldn’t figure out how to do it, though it had been done before.

February 10, 2021:  Marlin from Half Moon Bay calls. Says I’m pretty much a shoo-in for one bedroom place. Lots of shits before I take off about 4ish. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to CVS. See Pat briefly. Then Starbucks Portola. Anthony says, “Do you mind if I pass this [drink] on?” I say, “No. Go ahead.”

February 10 dream:  My girl friend doesn’t want me to be violent with my new martial arts ability. I say, “It is not violent. I’ve even seen you use it.”

February 9, 2021:  Call from “Private Number” in a.m. (*Relates to crows and hawk from hier, I think.) Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. See young man on bike behind parklet. Wait for him to reappear. He never does. Tulpa? Walk thru G.C.P. Black guy at top. M.S. Eye contact with Asian cashier. Starbucks. #43 home. Bus runs over something on Gennessee and stops. Fire engine stops by. Hear “No guts, no glory” in p.m. Lots of strange phone calls throughout the day.

February 9 dream:  Trying to run away from a comedian and his harasser. I can barely move. Guy in patio tells his father mockingly but honestly that he’s [the guy’s] the sheriff. So is his young brother.

February 9 dream:  WWII Paris: The Nazis are still winning. We know they’re going to lose but we don’t know how or when.

February 9 dream:  “47th man.”

February 8, 2021:  VA phone appointment in a.m. Then two anonymous calls. (*Relates to shits and distant hawk from hier, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and Up Portola. Crows chasing away one or two hawks. CVS. Starbucks. #43 home. In p.m. angry at my VA primary care provider for overstepping his bounds. (*Relates to February 7 dream about 1962 civil rights march?)

February 8 dream:  Tom C. and I and funny guy and serious girl all in bed together. Girl wants to talk. Tom and I and funny guy want to play game.

February 8 dream:  Paint thinner fight song.

February 8 dream:  Try to reach ceiling of very high-ceilinged room so I can brush it with a broom.

February 8 dream:  Many of us coming into the country. Women have a “cheerleader” exemption. Men don’t have a comparable exemption. We are discussing this in a coffee shop near Church Street. It’s not a problem for me ’cause I already have an apartment (though empty) in the Castro.

February 8 dream:  Guy about to tell us something at coffee shop counter.

February 7, 2021:  Insight: Paid attention to my inner child feeling shame about being a sex object, instead of suppressing the feelings as I usually do. (*Relates to 4th dream of February 6 about relabeling and refiling, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola. Fell “shittier” and “shittier.” Hope I make it to M.S. restroom. I make it. Guy is sitting on the can. I wait for him to finish. He smiles at me. Then Starbucks. Talk with Kaleb about his curly hair. Distant hawk. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Meet Nur, really nice and beautiful and young cashier there, who goes to Whittier College. Also, hot young mixed race guy with T-shirt and low-riding pants. As I’m leaving Nur, I run into second guy on my way out. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Later drop by W.F. A sullen Isaiah there.

February 7 nap dream:  Smoke from the kitchen.

February 7 dream:  In hotel conference room with lots of gay men, mostly older. Guy I start to sit next to asks me if I fancy someone else. Then we hear noise from down below. People are gathering for the first civil rights march. It’s 1962.

February 7 dream:  After voting on what kind of music building we wanted, I was kind of stopped in my tracks. Then I saw cute little blue-eye baby wrapped in towels. I caressed it, but not too much as I had no arms or legs and did not yet seem fully formed.

February 6, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. On Portola, hear noise. Look back. See hawk land in tree. Margaret at M.S. Starbucks. #43 home. Return Sarah’s call. Give Jonathan my love.

February 6 dream:  Me and others eating cooked animal ball sacs.

February 6 dream:  Start work at new place. Barry Bram there. I find out hie’s an editor at the SF Chronicle and a few other things. Then start working for other guy. I work from7 a.m. to 1 p.m. When I ask for lunch from 1-2, he gets upset.

February 6 dream:  Jeannie Maher wants to help me with my book. Mentions the word “epitome.”

February 6 dream:  Refiling and relabeling all the files at work.

February 6 dream:  Cute guy driving me up S.F. hill. Lots of new construction going on.

February 6 dream:  Hanz offers me a seat so we can learn something about Substack.

February 5, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Feel shits coming on. Walk home. Shits. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Hanz there.

February 5 dream:  At my boyfriend’s house. He’s showing a movie he made on his laptop. Some marijuana had gone missing. I stopped him at various points to ask why he included this or that element to his movie. We were sitting around the kitchen table with his family. I decided to take a rest and woke up.

February 5 dream:  My friend wanted me to return to my family home at 14080 (my last childhood address). I said, “I can’t. It’s not mine.” He followed me to parking lot. Lots of fellow kids. Truck goes by. “When can we make the patch match?”

February 5 dream:  Older man sits down at table with younger man. Older man’s hair is shorter. He’s wearing intentionally torn sweat pants. Says he’s interest in “her story.”

February 5 dream:  Three kids drop by. They find food I’ve prepared in the kitchen. I say to my partner, “How much should we charge them?” He says, “Let them have it for free.” He’s right I feel bad for being so ungenerous. On bus ride to L.A. Guy shouting at woman outside my window. Bus drives down narrow beautiful alley. Several drunk Latino guys falling down I joke, “Here we are at 18th & Castro.”

February 5 dream:  Guys playing baseball on the beach. I walk by. Get sucked out to sea and thrown back. Walk thru big temporary housing. Barry Bram there. Woman says to him, “Are you a man of mystery?”

February 4, 2021:  Got up late. Called VA re: rash. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Two cops pushing car up Ocean Avenue. Beautiful strawberry blond guy in white T-shirt at US Bank on Mission Street. Talk with Lee at G.P. Then G.C.P. Then Starbucks Portola. Talk with Kaleb. #43 home. Insight: Rash began after Trump left office on January 20.

February 4 dream:  People from Collier’s taking submissions for column in garage-type area.

February 4 dream:  Me and two other guys trying to get something to eat before we go. I get two forks. My teammate’s friend is sick with AIDS-like symptom.

February 4 dream:  Building in S.F. falls down due to causes stemming from World War II. We have to run to get out of the way. I’m sitting with Bill Floyd and his sister. Bill runs his lips over mine several times. Then his sister asks if I want a coffee. I say, “Sure. I’ll come with you.” She says, “That means neither of us leaves the building.” Earlier: Bill looking over movie listings at the mall.

February 4 dream:  Talking about election of Joe Biden. Two tall dark penguins standing behind us. As soon as we started talking to them, they turned into people.

February 3, 2021:  In bad mood all day ’cause of some of the dreams from last night (*Later I realized it related to the Berniecrats meeting this evening and once I had made this connection, my mood brightened and a proposal I made was approved by acclamation.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Anthony there. We talk briefly. I asked him about his hair. He said he woke up with wild hair. I said, “That sounds like a good thing.” #43 home. Get off a bit early to intercept cute runner with high-cut runner shorts. Watch T