The Gospel of Thomas 37: 1-2:  His disciples said, “When will you appear to us, and when will we see you?”  Jesus said, “When you strip without being ashamed, and you take your clothes and put them under your feet like little children and trample them, then [you] will see  the living one and you will not be afraid.”
—The  Five Gospels: The Search for the Authentic Words of Jesus

September 1, 2025:  This diary is continuing offline.

July 30, 2025:  11:11 in a.m. 8.8 earthquake in eastern Russia. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Also Jane and Justin. Go to library. Start People Collide about a man who wakes up in his wife’s body. Walk up #52 route. Shits at George C.P. Walk to Glenview Drive. Beautiful young man with shit-eating smile rolls by on his motor scooter. Take #52 to F.H. I see him at corner so I get off #52 at Woodside along with a young woman. As she is waiting to cross street, young man starts talking to her. He says nicely, “Get over here!” She doesn’t. He rides off . I take #48 to W.P. in hopes of seeing him again. I don’t. K home. BB gets 224 clicks.

July 30 dream:  Something about the sea.

July 30 dream:  I’m an associate director of something. Almost director. Later I find out as an associate director that I can get out of service.

July 30 dream:  Get bad haircut. Climb over rocks to get someplace. To continue I’ll have to dive into the ocean.

July 30 dream:  Tsunami coming. Someone says, “I thought it already arrived.” People rushing away. I’m on huge sand cliff slowly sliding down.

July 30 dream:  With pasty guy I wasn’t really attracted to, but I think he’s supposed to be my lover.

July 30 dream:  Am at urinal. Cute young guy comes in and grabs me across the room. He starts pulling on my dick. I grab his dick and butt. Worry that somebody may come in. Later my boss asks me about him. He’s a volunteer. I say, “He seems to be nice.”

July 29, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Oli at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Finish Auschwitz. Protagonist Fredy breathes underwater as a way to indicate that he is dying. Perhaps I was dying as a child when I, too, started breathing the water. Read “Hang onto your hat.” Miles is starting 1984. I may start it, too. Walk up #52 route to Glenview. Friendly guy and gal walking out of S.F. Police Academy. #52 to F.H. K home. Sit next to guy who almost invites me to sit next to him. He has two cute dogs with him. Post June 28 entry to my online diary: “As I was walking in the kitchen, somebody pushed me and I almost fell down. I realized it was my father.” Smell my father in my bathroom.

July 29 dream:  Walking down hallway. Woman threatens me when she grabbed me by the chin. I run out to other building. Start making kind of breakfast sandwich. I must hive messed up ’cause the assembly line got all confused. Woman teacher was very calm.

July 28, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Woman there asks me if I’m going to do the crossword puzzle. I am. Go to library. Read more Auschwitz. Walk up #52 route. Smell smoke in G.P. Shirtless runner on Diamond Street. Take shits at George C.P. Hear coyotes. Smell smoke again on Portola Drive. Cyclist on Portola. Walk to Woodside Avenue.#52 to F.H. K home. Watch YouTube in p.m. about Initiation Consciousness seeking to penetrate human thinking wherever it can. Fire alarm at 4 a.m. or so.

July 28 dream:  At party, I criticize woman. She says, “You’ve never been a woman before.” I say, “Of course I’ve been a woman before.” John is sitting to my right.

July 28 dream:  Eschatology.

July 28 dream:  Lots of people trying to avoid wrath of woman. (h.o.)

July  28 dream:  Hanging out with cast of play about royalty and what fops they are in real life.

July 28 dream:  Watching TV screen with young hetero couple. The screen is covered with cum so I wash it off. Then girl takes Motown CD and attempts to put it in the slot. I say, “I don’t want to listen to that” and the CD breaks in half.

July 27, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and walk to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Tables full so I sit at window booth. Come up with sense testimony: Sometimes parents or lovers think they own you. Then one more sense testimony: It feels nice to be owned. I feel safe, cared for, loved. Conclusion: I own myself. Hear “Christo Redentor” by Drew Pearson in C.B. background music. John lookalike passes by on sidewalk. I immediately think, “I own myself” and I let him go. Then I think, “Am I free now? Now do I get to do what I want to do?” (*Relates to Corvallis dream of July 25, I think.) Am I an Oregonian now? Walk to M.S. Check out with Ben. Allen at next checkout counter. Go to burrito place. #43 home. Sit across from cute guy who smiles eventually. See May 1.

July 27 dream:  Step-family moves to new house. It’s not in as good condition as the old place. I’m eating a cookie with a hair on it. Harriet says, “Mmm, good.” I don’t say anything.

July 27 dream:  In N.Y, take wrong train to N.J. It was the wrong place so I go back. Take photo of bridge from perspective I’d never seen before. Girl offers to handle booth so we can look for job. Price of Times newspaper is reduced so people can buy it.

July 26, 2025:  Calvin calls. Tells me I’m scheduled to speak at Prosperos Assembly in September. First time I heard that. I email William and Sara withdrawing my proposal to speak there. It’s just too damned expensive. Into the thousands of dollars. Later John A. calls. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Tell Miles the urinal is broken. Sit across from cute guy. Read more Auschwitz. Cute guy on D.H. Blvd. Grabs his ass twice after we pass each other. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #36 to F.H. K home. K stops at W.P. due to police action on Ocean Avenue. Take K shuttle bus home. Driver says there’s been a murder at Ocean and Lee, my stop. It was a fatal stabbing I found out on July 27. (*Relates to shits from hier?)

July 26 dream:  Something about to be on fire.

July 25, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Jane and Josh (owners) at C.B. Also Atticus. Also guy to my right who I check out at least twice as girl next to him first dropped her coffee and then dropped something else. Go to library. Read more Auschwitz. Realize black shadow from July 23 was a premonition of John’s attack on me from last nite. Walk up #52 route. Feel “shittier” and “shittier.” Take shits at Safeway Diamond Heights. Cruise dark, handsome runner on Portola. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Walk to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. In rest room, beautiful brown young guy smilingly shows me how paper dispenser works Then he joins his girlfriend. See hot guy with pony tail who is hanging out with black guy who looks like the singer Sylvester. Check out with Cole and Jeff. Johnny there as well. Watching Law & Order SVU in p.m., hear the line: “This is not going to end the way you want it to.”

July 25 dream:  Sign up for weekly appointment with woman. She has laminated photo of me choosing something from a plate of food. (h.o.)

July 25 dream:  One year being a kindergarten teacher.

July 25 dream:  Walking thru Corvallis. Perfect little town. I say to myself, “Well, I guess I’m an Oregonian now.”

July 24, 2025:  iI ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Read more Auschwitz. Walk up #52 route. Take shits at George Christopher playground. Lock eyes with young blond man wearing baby blue shirt on Portola Drive. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. I am only passenger on bus. Make sure I exit from front of bus so I can speak with very cool bus driver who looks like Spike Lee. At F.H., passing sign on train reads, “Yes!” At apartment back door, guy who lasciviously smiled at me on July 18 didn’t even look up at me as I preceded him upstairs. Painful stomach attack in p.m. At first I thought it was something I ate. Later I realized it was probably John. This also explains my very sleepless night last night. I think he is mad at me ’cause I no longer speak to all my spam callers.. I just answer the phone and wait for them to say something. Apparently, John can’t let me go, just like my father couldn’t.

July 24 dream:  Me wearing my drum major hat while walking down steps at Saratoga house.

July 24 dream:  White horse laying on the ground. I go up to pet him.

July 24 dream:  “Johnny Got A Gun” song.

July 24 dream:  I agree to order 10 salads instead of 50.

July 24 dream:  I do Translation in my head: Sense testimony: Sometimes it’s not safe to express oneself. Conclusion: There is nothing to prevent the full, safe, entire expression of Oneself.

July 23, 2025:  “Are you still with me?” phone message from 11:32 a.m. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Also Tristan, tho’ we don’t speak. Go to library. Read more from Auschwitz. See black shadow to my right. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. See bicyclist riding east on Portola. Was it John? Older man at Woodside calls me “young man.” #36 to F.H. Older guy at F.H. says I remind him of Hitchcock. “That’s a compliment,” he says. K home. Stop at Ocean and Lee. Then smile at #29 bus driver right next to me. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Sometimes people have to con themselves in order to survive. Conclusion: Truth confides in Itself.

July 23 dream:  Woman upset. Holds half full coffee cup over my head. I do the same to her.

July 23 dream:  Out of work at construction site. Guy comes in. Sort of goofy looking. Says he does comedy. Says we met before. We hug.

July 22, 2025:  in ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Miles reading Barbie book. I say, “Did you see the movie?” He says, “It’s rubbish. I walked out half way thru.” I say, to him, “I really admire that.” (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) See “Ready” on post-it note on floor of library. Walk up #52 route to Glenview. Hear birds in Diamond Heights. #52 route to F.H. Cute black guy with “Chico State” T-shirt. At F.H, guy sitting next to me gets on train. He has a nice aroma. I think I’ve smelled him before. K to W.F. Guy in line smiles at me. I wonder who he is. He talks with Johnny on his way out. Get 11:11 in p.m.

July 22 dream:  Have to take posters to printer to correct errors. Go to h.s. and show poster to some girls.

July 22 dream:  I walk with guy to cafeteria. Two really hot guys wearing only underpants and change clothes. My friend joins them. I back away.

July 21, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Atticus there. Also cute guy to my right. Woman to my left getting tarot card reading. After reader left, I asked woman about her reading. When she turns to talk to me, I see how beautiful she is. Her little son falls and hits his head so they have to leave early. Meet older woman who tells me about Homestead mobile home park for seniors in Santa Cruz. Go to library. See Miles. Have shits there. Walk up #52 route. Pass guy on phone sort of smirking. Then see bicyclist. I think it’s John. (*Relates to birds from hier, I think.) Walk to M.S. Check out with Alyson. She asks me how I am. I say, “It’s cold and foggy outside, but it’s warm and sunny inside.’ #44 to F.H. I think, “If I can make myself sick, I can make myself well.” See big ‘YES” on passing Muni train. K home. Get 11:11 in p.m. Post “Use of the ‘F’ word as an approbatory intransitive verb” on the BB. I write, “So the next time you want to say, “This rocks,” you can simply say, “This fucks.”

July 21 dream:  Have to fill out form. It has columns for “mother” and “father.” I’m in the Marines. Some people laugh.

July 21 dream:  Woman psychic says blood is coming out of my left ear. I say, “I can feel it.” She says maybe I should leave S.F.

July 21 dream:  Yellow school bus drives up. I wait to get on.

July 21 dream:  Woman on 6th floor of Macy’s says they’re going to revive AI by doing Trump report.

July 21 dream:  Waiting outside building for work to start. 4th day. Lady offers me some food. I try a piece of donut. Lady says, “Thank you.”

July 20, 2025:  Tough nite last nite. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J and walk to G.P. Looking for Sunday Examiner. Can’t find one. Lues at G.P.M. Go to C.B. Too crowded, so I go directly to library. Read Sunday Chronicle. Walk to G.C.P. Try to avoid self-involved woman on her cellphone on Chenery. (Later realize that she’s a part of me I don’t want to acknowledge.) Walk thru G.C.P. See and hear hawks on Amethyst Way. Walk to M.S. Find Examiner outside fo M.S. Go to burrito place. #43 home. Shits at 1:30 a.m. and 3 a.m. (July 21).

July 20 dream:  Man kills someone; then hunts for an actor who will be okay with that.

July 20 dream:  Blonde female nurse escapes from TV show. Guy with her towel.

July 20 dream:  Rape graduation robes.

July 20 dream:  I visit Tom O. at work station. I hardly recognize him. He has a home in Saratoga and maybe one in Menlo Park as well.

July 20 dream:  I need to give three class lessons on the word “have.”

July19, 2025:  Shits in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Angry woman leaving store as I enter. Lues said she and other woman did shoplifting heist, one woman distracting him while other woman shoplifts. Owners at C.B. I talk with Justin (the son) about AI, which he studied in school. Talk with Jane, his mother, about how much business has changed there since the pandemic. Go to library. Read more from Auschwitz. See Miles but we don’t connect. Walk to G.C.P. to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. From the bus, I see cute guy on his cellphone. Think maybe I should get off bus and connect with him, but decide not to get off. Later I change my mind and get off bus and walk back up Woodside Avenue. On the way, I say to myself, “This is stupid.” (So I knew I was probably on the right track.) Run into very friendly guy. He said something I didn’t hear. I say, “I know you.” But I couldn’t place him. (In later research I come across the name Joe Horsington, who I knew back in 2004.) He said he was on his way to the Warfield to listen to a band. He said his name is Troy, which is Irish for “foot soldier.” I smiled at him. Then I walked up to where young man on cellphone had been. He was no longer there. Take #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Get in line with Theo. Woman at next counter calls me over. I say, “I want to stay here.” Customer in front of me says, “She’s calling your name.” I thought that was funny. Theo very cool to me, but his fingers touch mine as he gives me my receipt.

July 19 dream:  I’m reading book at friend’s place about restaurant inspections. Cute guy comes in. I show him the book. He says, “Oh, that’s innate.” He’s very cute and very close so I begin kissing him. (h.o.)

July 19 dream:  U.S. President is giving his speech at night. His opponent has already spoken. I wonder if there will be a fly-over. 

July 18, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. K and #49 and J to G.P. Oli at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Read more Auschwitz. Wonder if I’m a disappointment to God. Walk thru G.C.P. Big bumblebee on Amber Drive. Hear coyote? Or dog. Take path to follow it. Walk to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. K home. Sit across from cute Asian guy who gets off at Victoria. Get off at Lee. Asian guy smiles at me. Then he goes to back door of my apartment building. I follow him in. He smiles at me again. A wonderful, lascivious smile. Heather has invited me to go to Prosperos Sunday Meeting this Sunday. I really want to do that. Also want to talk with Sara Walker and Prosperos Assembly organizers to finalize whether I will be speaking there or not. But in both cases, I think I need to not follow those urges to make peace. I think I would be “blowing it” (as Thane used to say) if I did. Do tarot card. Get upside down Queen of Chalices. One of the meanings is “emotional immaturity.”

July 18 dream:  Register for next two months (or two semesters) of classes. (h.o.)

July18 dream:  Nancy O. taking all the laundry baskets. I say, “You don’t get all these.” I only had one.

July 17, 2025:  Drop and break coffee cup. Get “Five of Swords” Tarot card re my father. One of the suggestions in the Google AI interpretation is “Move on.” I’d really like to do that. Later in day realize my refusal to play baseball was the only way I could think of to stand up to him.  In ’til 3ish. K and #49 and J to G.P. Oli at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Talk to Mohave Express friend from June 13. His name is Atticus. He tells me all about Mohave Express, a video game set about 200 years after a nuclear holocaust. Go to library. Read more from Auschwitz. Walk up #52 route to Glenview Drive. See “littler person” on Diamond. #52 to F.H. Cool bus driver. He sees car he likes and yells at owner, “Nice car!” It’s a new Cadillac of some sort. Later I joke with him, “So is that the kind fo car you have?” (*Relates to hawk from hier just before arriving home?)

July 17 dream:  Near OSU campus in Corvallis, guy hits my friend in the back. Then turns into enclosed table at cafe with two people eating.

July 17 dream:  Have some left over cottage cheese. Perfect excuse to ask girl out on date.

July17 dream:  Go over to married friend’s house. Her whole family there. Estelle Miles (wife of David Miles) shows up kind of old and injured. I say, “Are you living in S.F. now?” Then their grandmother, “Mother Jefferson” (from The Jeffersons TV show) shows up. We hug. She says, “Nice reflex.”

July 16, 2025:   In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Two cute Asian guys get on #29 at rear door. I get on front but walk to the back. But they’re not there. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Auschwitz. Couple of cute guys at library. Walk up #52 route. Friendly black guy greets me. Later cute white guy. #44 to F.H. Young woman in front looks like Kathy Warfield. I do double take. She smiles. K home. Sit across from cute Asian guy ’til he gets off at Junipero Serra and Ocean. Go to W.F. Hawk over CCSF as I arrive home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Biology has a mind of its own. Conclusion: Truth (Consciousness) is heaven on earth.

July 16 dream:  Someone trying to prove that Biden arrested murderer. (h.o.)

July 16 dream:  Walk to distant part of S.F. (or Oregon). It’s barren like a desert. Then see fast-flowing river with ice in it. Then large group of rafters. Many are submerged. The rest of them walk up to us and ask for help. This was second big disaster for the leader of the group over the weekend. We were in poor part of S.F. I thought the houses were restrooms until black man who lived in one of the houses came out. I have on new black shoes with high heels. Thane says, “My assistant here has new black shoes. Now when he kicks things out of the way…” 

July 15, 2025:  Only a few anonymous calls today. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Oli and Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more Auschwitz. Walk up Diamond Street. Smell beautiful aroma. Stop by outdoor book exchange. Pick up book about woman who wanted certain job in Paris but later comes to realize: “This may not be where Edie intended to be but she soon realizes it’s exactly where she needs to be…” Walk to Woodside. #36 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F.

July 15 dream:  Struggling to put on my socks. Someone comes over and tells me that I am not working out for the job. Even though Bernie was on my side.

July 15 dream:  Hanz and I and four others applying for jobs in the Navy. Two year hitch. Hanz and I are going to be responsible for social events, etc. I helped him along in his interview by pointing out some things he’d done. At end, I say, “I think we all did very well.” Cat sucking my wrist. I pull it away. I think I applied to be a steward. Interviewer scratched something out on my app when I told him I was interested in social events. I think he had signed me up for artillery.

July 14, 2025:  Yesterday I was sure I’d be approved to speak at The Prosperos assembly in September. Now I’m not so sure. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Wait with guy at Lick-Wilmerding for #29. He has full face mask on, but you can tell from his eyes alone how beautiful he is. I follow him to back of bus. He ignores me. Other beautiful young guy offers me his seat. I decline politely signaling him that I will be getting off soon. Get anonymous call while waiting for J. I say, “Are you psychotic? Or do you just like hanging out with psychopaths? I suspect it’s the latter.” Woman hangs up. Later guy calls. I say “Are you another one of John’s friends?” He hangs up. Oli at G.P.M. He tells me Lues is at home. I joke, “Maybe you should move in with him.” Oli smiles. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Auschwitz. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Allen. He says his invitation to his boss Jeff Bezo’s wedding must have gotten lost in the mail.

July 14 dream:  Spend the night with Chris Hinrichs.

July 14 dream:  I’m standing on my own again, only taller. Want to read second book in series. Stuck on top of room.. Pull chord from ceiling to get down. On TV man and woman take really long dive (almost like flying) into calm ocean.

July 13, 2025:  Post on BB about the Prosperos Assembly on September 5-8. in ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. #29 door closes on me as I enter. Driver blames me for rushing across the street to catch the bus and not being at the bus stop when the bus arrived. Strange. Later I discovered I got an anonymous blank phone message at about this time. (*Relates to hawks from hier?) Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Stay there ’til 6ish. (Library closes at 5 p.m. on Sundays.) Start The Teacher at Auschwitz. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. #36 to F.H. K home. Realize in p.m. that maybe the reason I’m thinking so much about The Prosperos Assembly in September is because I want to give a talk there. So I submit talk application online. I call my talk: “Being a Rogue Mentor.” (*Relates to Thane dream of last night/)

July 13 dream:  My female boss says, “Walk down Kemper Street,” which is an indoor hallway. I do. She meets me there. She is spraying plants with water. She claims or pretends she missed one.

July 12, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. K and #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Give up on Sorcerers. Walk up #52 route. Hear and see hawk up hill to my left from D.H. Boulevard. Walk to M.S. Have clumsy exchange with new guy working there, while trying to get fresh fruit containers. Check out with Ed. He gives me free jar of salsa. #44 to F.H. K home. Sit across from cute guy on K. Clean bathtub in p.m.

July 12 dream:  Tomorrow afternoon I have to supervise a bunch of kids at my home and feel nervous about it.

July 12 dream:  Looking for an L.A. dictionary for my talk.

July 12 dream:  I go to party. Thane is there. He compliments me on my work. Says I could have mentioned Carl Fagan. Judy d’Avad there, too. I smile at her ’cause we had some sort of breakthrough. But she didn’t smile back.

July 11, 2025:  Donovan knocks at my door at 10;58 a.m., waking me up to put in new battery for my door lock. Anonymous calls in a.m. “No, I’m not interested in ‘final expense’ insurance.” “No, I didn’t have a car accident in the last two years.” Caller tells me he’s calling from the “Land of Florida.” I say, I didn’t know Florida was a land. In ’til 3ish. K and #49 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Bathroom key attached to big wooden piece gets lost. Then Mark finds it behind where I’m sitting. Go to library. Read more from Sorcerer. Walk up #52 route to Woodside. #44 to F.H. K home. On Law & Order detective says of suspect, “He says, ‘my son,’ ‘my wife.’ He never uses their names. It shows that he has control issues.” Sounds like my father.

July 11 dream:  Do Translation even though I don’t want to. (h.o.)

July 11 dream:  Crossword puzzle on my face.

July 11 dream:  Madame Morel wants to talk to me just as interesting guy shows up behind her. She asks me about South Dakota.

July 10, 2025:  See 11:11 in a.m. Spam caller. I say, “Are you calling from L.A.?” He says, “No. Colorado.” I say, “I had a boyfriend who used to live in Colorado.” In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at C.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read Sorcerers. Walk up #52 route. On Portola Drive, see bicyclist with blue hair. I get excited. I think it’s John. (*Relates to hawks from hier, I think.) Walk to Woodside. #36 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F.

July 10 dream:  Go to meeting of revolutionary group. It is like a truth and reconciliation group. Southern woman was talking about what happened to her during the Civil War. Get in ’cause I have a package to deliver to someone. I see Dianne Feinstein. She seems to know me. The package is shaped like a birdcage with a handle on top.

July 10 dream:  At radio station with Ms. Personality. I say, “I’d like to order a personality disorder. See my true female partner earlier.

July 10 dream:  Take sack of garbage away. Bottom falls out. Later start to put things away. Someone says he doesn’t know how to do that. 

July 9, 2025:  Anonymous calls. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Start The Sorcerers about Merlin and King Arthur. Walk up #52 route. See cute guy. Cross street to be near him. See hawk flying in and out of tree. Hear baby hawks in nest? Walk to Portola. Run into Gebre. We talk briefly. I notice he’s wearing a ring. It turns me off. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) Walk to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole who is very cool towards me. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Getting rid of the old to make way for the new can be a painful process. Conclusion: Ageless Mind is all-knowing, painless and satiated. As soon as I finish Translation, we get fire alarm.

July 9 dream:  I am paying off my two outstanding debts.

July 9 dream:  Get off bus in S.F. downtown to check out what’s been built recently.

July 9 dream:  Take train out to water. Then it turns into a ship which goes more and more under water. Then we eat.

July 8, 2025:  Anonymous call. I say, “Daddy’s here.” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Start John Stuart Mill book. Listen to YouTube “I’m Not Gay,” It’s very funny. Get anonymous call. I say, “I’m not gay! I’m not gay! I swear to God, I’m not gay!” Caller hangs up. See hawk circling G.P. thru library window. Talk to Miles on way out. He hasn’t found a new book to read yet. He asks me what I’m reading. I show him my John Stuart Mill book. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Walk to G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. K home. As I enter K train, I stare at beautiful young man standing near doorway. He smiles. Later strange but friendly black guy boards and greats almost everyone on board. And people are nice to him, including me. He touches me in the chest and says, “Thank you.” Jerk off in p.m. Earlier, get email from Trump-supporting Prospero. He says, “Good boy, Michael. Good boy.” in response to email I sent him. Had to RHS him. Realized it upset me ’cause I was being a “good boy.” Once I got fine with that, I no longer felt defensive.

July 8 dream:  Fam has arrived at vacation home. My blond friend is going to dye his hair black. Everyone is waiting for the baby to be born.

July 8 dream:  May 1.

July 7, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Between books. Walk to G.C.P. Shits at R.C. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. K home.

July 7 dream:  Guy gives me something to carry. I refuse.

July 6, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Oli at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Finish Occult. Walk to G.C.P., RHSing my father. Woman with her dog, overlooking coyote area. I say “Any coyotes today?” She says, “Only gophers.” I say, “Well, that’s good for the coyotes, I guess.” I’d seen coyotes there over the years, but I’d never seen a gopher. I thought this was an interesting analogy to me and my father, my father being the coyote and me being the gopher. So what happened back then was inevitable as long as we both were playing those roles. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Johnny smiles at me. (*Relates to hawk or crow from hier?) Check out with Cole and Theo. Get “Expect the Unexpected” in p.m. Tarot card: upside Sun. Watch Law & Order in p.m. Episode about victim of child molesting who goes on to molest a child himself. (*Relates to owl from hier, I think.)

July 6 dream:  I switched something. Guy wants to sell me stainless steel instead of cement for my patio squares. $18 vs. $50 per square foot.

July 6 dream:  Letter to newsletter with lots of new names for things like Christianity.

July 6 dream:  Need to buy mopre stamps.

July 5, 2025:  Listening to Steve Judd on YouTube in a.m. He talks about his body burning up ’cause he is feeling too much energy. Made me feel batter. In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Read more from Occult. Miles tries to avoid me on my way out. (*Relates to dead mouse from hier?) Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. Loud crow (or hawk?) on Amber Drive. Loud owl on Amethyst. Go to M.S. See Allen coming and going. Check out with Ed who gives me free can of whipped cream. Go to burrito place. Feel bad ’cause I don’t have $1 to put in tip jar. #43 to F.H. K home. Sit next to guy. Even though practically everybody has left this part of the train, I stay seated next to him ’til he tells me he needs to exit at Jules.

July 5 dream:  Having to interview woman about dialogue which we both just listened to. But I had spaced out so I had to fake it. She said something about asparagus. Federal ID No. RCS________

July 5 dream:  House is being remodeled. The wallpaper is done in our part of the house. Driver who takes us to and from likes to speed up put on brakes at last moment.

July 4, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Meet guy who’s on his way to Alaska with his parents. Want to connect with cute guy reading book so I walk to doorway and look out. On way back connect with cute guy I hadn’t noticed before. (*Relates to first hawk of hier, I think.) Later I talk  to guy I initially wanted to meet. He’s reading a book about racial prejudice. He’s studying to get his secondary school teaching certificate. I tell him a bout my disaster with the Oakland School District. (*Relates to 2nd hawk from hier, I think.) Later as he leave cafe, he waves good-bye. Get spam call. Caller says, “How are you doing?” I say, “Okay.” Caller hangs up. Library closed today. Walk to G.C.P. See dead mouse on Elk Street. Walk to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. K home. Guy on K talks to me about photography.

July 4 dream:  Someone had been in hibernation for quite a while. We packed them stacks of clothes so they could buy new ones. Lots of strange black leather nose covers, etc.

July 4 dream:  Man wants me to send my Xmas cards soon so he can use the rest of my stamps.

July 4 dream:  Go into parking garage. It’s full. Then it’s decimated. One woman there paid $200. After passing of Big “Beautiful” Bill, she’ll get $250 back, but I think she gave up her life.

July 4 dream:  Go to fancy resto with two others. We are served bread and butter only. But it’s really good bread. Waitress brings us the butter, then the bread. She says she’ll bring the salt next. We don’t wait for the salt.

July 3, 2025:  Anonymous calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Attractive black guy on K. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Also beautiful young woman who looks like AOC. I say to her, “You probably get this a lot, but do people tell you that you look like AOC?” She smiles. She doesn’t know who AOC is. I say, “You should Google her.” She smiles. She was so sweet it threw me off balance. Go to library. Read more from Occult. See cute guy dressed in pink. I walk by him twice. He’s not so attractive the second time. Walk to G.C.P. See very pregnant woman in apricot dress having her (their) photo taken. Hawk overhead (twice). Run into friendly guy with dog. He asks me if I am taking pictures of the birds. Walk to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Dylan. I and other customer quote Dylan Thomas: “Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” Dylan’s never heard it before. Gwyllm Llwydd posts a comment on the BB about the kindness of Cliff Fletcher who recently died. I replied, “He was kind to me. Doesn’t he know who I am?” (*Relates to dead fetus dream of July 2, I think.).

July 3 dream:  Go to reunion. See lots of people I haven’t seen in years. Finally, Kathy Warfield walks in. I put my arm around her. She is upset ’cause her right eye is missing. There is just the eye socket. I talk to her. Don’t really understand what happened. I tell her they can fix it.

July 3 dream:  Someone says, “You learn how to talk to them. I’ll teach you how to talk to the sun and the moon.”

July 3 dream:  Rush to catch #35 near Walter Haas Playground.

July 3 dream:  I hang out with Hugh Grant and other hot guy, who eventually have sex. Then they wave at all the onlookers below, who all wave back. I join them.

July 3 dream:  Using our hot dog recipe on a mass scale.

July 2, 2025:  Anonymous calls in a.m. I say, “I’m thinking of moving to New York.” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. K and #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Finish scanning Coleridge works. Listen to YouTube. Lots of people gathering around my chair. I take that as a sign that I should get back to reading. So I start The Occult Book. It’s not really about magic, but about historical figures in mysticism. Walk thru G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. #36 to F.H. K home. Shits on getting home. Memory: Me not wanting to play baseball at Saratoga Elementary School may have been my limited way of rebelling against my father who loved baseball.

July 2 dream:  Guy speaking on 101 span.

July 2 dream:  Sara Dauer and I have to find meeting place for 8 p.m. meeting.

July 2 dream:  New boss. 60-year-old guy.

July 2 dream:  Dead fetus found in woman’s womb.

July 1, 2025:  Anonymous calls in a.m. I say, “We’re going to have to stop doing this.” In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Read about both OSU and CSU in the Chron. Go to library. Read more from Coleridge. Miles says The Castle by Kafka is really dense, so I put a hold on it. Walk to G.C.P. As I walk up steps, young man walking down steps aside and smiles broadly at me. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) I think his parents were right behind him. Go to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Theo. He asks about my photography. He also takes photos. Feel insulted somehow by our conversation.

July 1 dream:  At spatial palace, they had a Luther Balieu doll. I ask if they have one of me. No, they don’t.

July 1 dream:  Russell Vogue or Bogy of Boyd.

July 1 dream:  Someone tells me I have too many blankets on.

June 30, 2025:  Anonymous calls in a.m. Brian Wilson’s “God Only Knows (What I’d Do Without You)” was playing in my background. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Really smelly homeless guy sits next to me. On exiting, talk with Miles. He’s between books. Walk to G.C.P. Shits at R.C. Walk to Glenview. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. I have to choose between checking out with Jeff or Cole. Cole seems more “glowing” so I choose him. I say, “Are you letting your mustache grow back in?” He says he’s always worn a mustache. When I got home I check my diary and find out that he started growing his mustache in July of 2023.

June 30 dream:  At awards breakfast, I am the main awardee. The eggs are runny.

June 30 dream:  Drive downtown in my black ’57 Mercedes-Benz barely makes it up the hill. I get out and walk on Sansome. Black guy tries to intimidate me by showing me fight moves. He succeeds.

June 29, 2025:  In ‘3l 11ish. Take #49 to Gay Pride parade on Market Street. Hang out for an hour or two. Walk back to Castro. Go to Peet’s briefly. Then go to Eureka Valley library. Leaving library, as I turn corner on 17th Street, hot guy talking to himself, “No way! No way!” Woman and I look at each other. Walk up 17th Street to Castro. Avoid 440 Castro. Go to W.G. Walk up 18th Street to Market to M.S. Overhear woman say, “See you Tuesday at midnight.” Older woman on Market, on crossing the street, says, “I think I’ll make it.” Go to M.S. Check out with Ben. He givse me seductive smile with his eyes. Go to Starbucks. Buy $6.75 special lemonade drink from cute young guy. I feel really privileged to talk with him. As I’m sitting near window, Ben rushes by. I quickly get up and try to catch up with him. But I don’t see him. He may have already been in his car. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Go to burrito place. #43 home.

June 29 dream:  Me angry at having to type with a roomful of women typists. Marilyn Deurell there?

June 29 dream:  Making some kind of food I’m not supposed to be cooking.

June 29 dream:  Standing outside with others. Apartment catches fire from inside. Fire chief is standing with us. He’s in civilian clothes. He rushes in. Woman preparing for trip to Hong Kong refuses to cooperate with the others.

June 29 dream:  Dog bites me. Woman notices blood. It looks king of muddy. Registering for something, woman asks me how much tuition is at City College. I say, “It’s $75,000 per year.”

June 29 dream:  Sitting in waiting room. Start reading magazine with no trouble at all seeing.

June 28, 2025:  Anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. #29 and walk to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Scan through works of Coleridge. Joke with Miles on way out. Walk to G.C.P. Shits at R.C. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. Muni agent says with real concern, “How you doing?” I say, “Fine.” Five girls on K just back from Pride celebrations. I want to take their photo, but my camera is tied up with my tote bag and it takes me 5 or 10 minutes to untangle it. By that time the moment had passed Hear “Ft. Collins” in p.m. Listening to Jeffrey Mishlove interviewing Bernard Beitman talking about synchronicities that happened with his father’s death. As I was walking in the kitchen, somebody pushed me and I almost fell down. I realized it was my father. So even though he’s dead, he’s still trying to hold on to me, just like he did after my connection with Kathy Warfield back in the ’60s 

June 28 dream:  I’m leading a Translation workshop like I’m a head chef. Guy is moving out at end of June. Place is available 11 months out of the year. It is a two-bedroom place.

June 28 dream:  Something about Billye Talmadge.

June 27, 2025:  Anonymous calls. I say, “Johnny?” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Oli at G.P.M. He’s no longer looking for house near G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Finish Hotel. Start Time Loops. Not interested really. Tomorrow Coleridge. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. See Allen. Check out with Ed. He gives me an M.S. gift box.

June 26, 2025:  Lot of anonymous calls. I say, “Johnny?” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Hotel. Almost finished. Come up with the idea of raping my father as a way of getting my power back. Or at least as a form of accusation in an RHS. Walk to G.C.P. Trip and almost fall on steps. Walk to Woodside. #44 to F.H. See two bratty guys sitting in back, so I sit on lower level near door. Guy throws down his duffel bag from the back of the bus. It hits my foot. Then he sits right next to me when all the other seats on that level are empty. He’s a handsome, if crazy, black guy. As our arms touch, sitting next to each other, he says, “That feels good, doesn’t it?” When I figure out what he’s referring to, I say “Well, yeah, it does.’ And it does. I get off at F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Cole taking inventory. Check out with Jeff. We joke about his boss’s (Jeff Bezos) wedding in Vienna. I ask him if he’s going to get a raise since Bezos can rent out the city of Vienna for his wedding. Very hot security guard. Cough up bile at 5:30 a.m. -ish.

June 25, 2025:  “Jerk off guy from hier calls. Says his name is Michael. I say, “I’m Michael, too.” He says, “Fuck you, Michael, too.” I say, “Okay.” Then as I’m about to say, “I look forward to it,” he hangs up. In ’til 3ish. #29 and j to G.P. Willow at C.B. She walks by me as i’m looking at hot rugby player on my cell. Two cute young guys come in and talk with her. She actually laughs. Gets me started on big RHS on how I had to hide my attraction to men for the first 23 years of my life. It just wasn’t an option before 1969. At least it wasn’t an option as far as I could see. I had to keep that a secret. Just like I had to keep my rendezvous with my father a secret like my life depended on it. I even had to keep it a secret from myself. Go to library. Read more from Hotel. Realize my Scarlett O’Hara pledge in 1956 in front of our home in Menlo Park that somehow, someway I would find a solution to my psychological dilemma. And the dilemma is trying to unearth the memory of my father’s sexual abuse. Walk thru G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. K home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Sometimes your life depends on keeping a secret, even from yourself Conclusion: The Universal I is the inseparable union of Life knowing Itself eternally. Insight: Maybe if I don’t resolve what he did, I won’t have to give up on him as a father.

June 25 dream:  Anti-war demos at 2 p.m. and 4 p.m. And also at dusk. I’m not sure I’ll go but when the crowd starts moving, I join them. Friend tells me it’s false alarm, but at least I feel included.

June 24, 2025:  Anonymous caller out of breath. I say, “You sound out of breath. Have you been jerking off?” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. I ask him if he’s going to the gay parade on Sunday. As I ask him, I blush. He says he jas to work that day. Go to library. Read more form Hotel. On way out little boy is crying. I ask Miles, “What is he crying about?” He says he doesn’t want to leave the library. I say, “I don’t want to leave either, but I’m not going to cry about it.” Walk thru G.C.P to Glenview Drive. See my friend from June 10. This time he stops and talks. He may not be either black or gay. He told me he walks from G.P. to T.P. and back every week day. It’s about a two hour walk. He told me his name is Gebre, I think. It didn’t feel sexual at all as it did at prior meetings. #52 to F.H. Guy on board excited to see my Bernie T-shirt. I was excited that somebody knew who it was. Later I met the third guy on that bus. He was wearing a “Crenshaw” T-shirt. We talked about Tupac and his favorite rapper, who I don’t remember. He plans to go to Skyline College and study psychology. His name is Adrian. He said he was from Vallejo. K home. Go to W.F. Johnny there. Also guy with two girls who I run into twice. He tries to ignore me.

June 24 dream:  I’m thinking of investing $800,000 in an Asian resto. Guy made out contract for $825,000. I say that would be a problem, since I only have $800,000. I know nothing about the business.

June 24 dream:  Award ceremony.

June 24 dream:  Driving thru Santa Monica at night. Trying to turn left on Lincoln. I can’t see oncoming traffic so I drive around the block, which turns into a long, narrow street.

June 24 dream:  Mt. Everest.

June 23, 2025:  Anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “Johnny?” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. I ask Miles if he plans to read Metamorphosis. He says he might. Go to C.M. (Canyon Market). Talk to friendly guy about strawberries. Walk to G.C.P. Take shits at R.C. As I’m thinking that all I had to do was come up with the magic word “Johnny,” woman smiles at me. Walk to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Theo. I say, “How’s God?” Referring to his name.. He says it’s a hard name to live up to.

June 23 dream:  Part of balcony burning. threatening the whole house. The assistants, like, me, made it in after a few minutes.

June 23 dream:  Get home. Open Neapolitan ice cream. Alex G. stops by with a spoon. I say, “Okay.”

June 23 dream:  Live in same apartment building as Roseanne Barr. She says, “Comedy is poison.” I tell her I like her comedy. As we all sit to eat together, Food must last all week, but there’s plenty of it. Very sugary and starchy.

June 23 dream:  Trying to get down hill. Have to wait for people coming up first before I go down. Ground doesn’t look too stable.

June 22, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. Almost kill myself trying to cross street to catch #29. Then get off at next stop and walk back to pick up Sunday Examiner and mail bill at mail box. #29 comes again right away. Smell really nice aroma waiting for J. Relates to guy waiting with me? Take J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Also cute gay guy who smiles at me when I check him out. Mark at C.B. Library closed. Go to Canyon Market See woman in sun dress. She notices me noticing her. Check out with guy who was next to guy I really wanted to check out with. Maybe next time. Walk to G.C.P. Take shits at R.C. See father, son and dog walking on Portola Drive. I wait a few moments before crossing street. Walk all the way to F.H. K home. Friendly street guy gets on and sits next to me and says, ‘Nice to see you” like he knew me or something. He says, “What’s all the excitement downtown?” I say, “Juneteenth.” He says, “Yeah, that’s right. Did you get some good pictures?” I say, “I didn’t go to the parade.” As he exits at next stop he says, “Thanks.” I think he was a tulpa. Lots of body pain today.

June 22 dream:  Run for an hour up north. Eventually plan to move back to Oregon. Try to return via tunnel which gets really small.

June 22 dream:  Doctor pulls spider out of my ear.

June 21, 2025:  Trouble sleeping last night. Get anonymous call in a.m. I accidentally hang up. I call back to leave a message. While waiting for recording, I say, “Hello, hello, hello,” etc., in all sorts of tones of voices. At one point I hear myself saying to myself, “Am I being too intimate?” (*Relates to crampy shits from hier a.m., I think.) In ’til 3ish. K and #49 and J to G.P. Oli at G.P.M. Barista at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Hotel. Talk with Miles about Kafka on way out. (*Relates to shits from hier at R.C.?) Walk thru G.C.P. Tree has been cleared. Go to M.S. Check out with Ed. See Allen on way out. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jeff.

June 21 dream:  One of the gals from the police squad has gone missing. But she may stop by tonight. I think she really got normal(?)

June 21 dream:  My boss wants to have the AC and DC calls on two-wheel set. I don’t know what he wants.

June 21 dream:  I had moved from one apartment to another in my building without telling the manager. My friends convince me that I can’t do that. So I say, “Okay. I’ll move back.” Which I start to do.

June 20, 2025:  Wake up early and horny. Jerk off. Crampy shits in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Joke with Robert when the library door alarm sounds off: “You didn’t check those books out.” Very attractive man with his two daughters. He smiles as I pass. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. (Fallen tree I have to climb over in G.C.P.) Check out with Ed and Ben. I thank Ben for remembering that I like plastic bags. #52 to F.H. K home. Working on book, see paresthesia relates to peripheral nerves, which are less important than central nervous system.

June 20 dream:   Working for Steph Curry’s wife.

June 20 dream:  Young man has pancreatitis, so I put on his gym shorts, I explain to audience. [Etymology of pancreas is “fleshy.”]

June 19, 2025:  Lots of spam and anonymous calls, one after another. At one point, I say, “Stinky, if you want to call me, you have my number.” Calls stop. (*Relates to birds on June 17?) in ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. It’s a holiday so the library is closed. Walk up #52 route to Safeway D.H. Then walk to Woodside. #52 to F.H. K home. Obnoxious guy on K. I go to back of train to get away from him. He gets off at Lee with me. He walks one way. I walk the other. Then he’s back and we wait across street together. I can’t wait to get away from him. I think he may be a tulpa of John. Later in shower, I involuntarily raise my arms in victory.

June 19 dream:  Someone about to open yoga class. I remind young person who had shown interest.

June 19 dream:  “All the boats are women-owned. That means all the boats must win.”

June 19 dream:  I want us to act out poem. And be clothed in the part where it calls for naked.

June 19 dream:  “March of the Light Brigade.” [Based on Alfred Lord Tennyson’s “Charge of the Light Brigade“ which says, in part, “Into the valley of death rode the six hundred.” ]

June 18, 2025:  Anonymous calls in a.m. I say, “I’ll only speak with Stinky.” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. K and J to C.B. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Start Hotel New Hampshire. Get call from Stinky? Walk thru G.C.P. to Woodside. #36 to F.H. K home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Self-blame and suggestibility lead to hypochondria and disease. Conclusion: Truth is a going concern which effortlessly and easily influences Itself through stillness.

June 18 dream: Doing “homework” for my Jewish bosses. We were supposed to make up for marring coffee table which I gave them in the first place. Then I’m applying some white goo to what looks like pink packing material.

June 17, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. New barista at C.B. She’s not a talker. At least not with me. Go to library. Finish Mysticism. Walk to G.C.P. Shits at R.C. Walk thru G.C.P. to Glenview Dr. Wait for #52. Beautiful woman runs by. She is totally covered head-to-toe by outfit and is wearing goggles. At first I think she is black, but see that she is white. She looks a lot like the Hailey Upton actress on Chicago P.D., only shorter. At first I don’t like her, but then I let my face relax into an expression of desire. Later a loud flock of birds flies overhead and lands in a nearby tree. Then big bird (not sure what kind) swoops over me, causing me to duck. #52 to F.H. K home. Cute Asian guy with glasses on K. Go to W.F. Run into cute, friendly black guy on stairs home.

June 16, 2025;  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues and Oli at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Miles reading The Castle by Kafka. I read more from Mysticism. Walk to G.C.P. Take shits at R.C. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. K home. Answer to crossword clue is “Endgame.” When I get home, YouTube has turned itself on by itself, apparently about an hour before I get home. Reviewing my diary entry for May 15, I mention my fear of and anger at John and say I may be required to show physical courage.

June 16 dream:  “4 days left…”

June 16 dream:  Big earthquake in S.F. Buildings run into each other. Lecture at 8 a.m. is postponed to 8 p.m.

June 15, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library briefly. Start Mysticism and Logic by Bertrand Russell. It’s good. Walk to G.C.P. Then M.S. Try to check out with Ben. He avoids me. But before I leave, I go over and talk to him, folding boxes nearby. I joke with him about guy sporting red mohawk. He says it’s not for him. He can’t help but be sweet. #52 to F.H. K home. See young woman wearing “Get Your Mind Right.” Go to W.F. See Johnny. Insight from November 16, 2024 (Realize flashback of August 13, 2023 was not me saying to my father, “Fuck me! Fuck me!” or “Love me! Love me!”. What I was really saying was: “Please humiliate me! Please humiliate me!” ’cause I no longer want to feel better than everyone else (’cause I come from God).

June 15 dream:  See guy I had met before in a dream about boxes. He’s a nice guy. I was eating chips or something. He said he knew me, too. Ribbon sticking out of one of the boxes. I knew all I had to do was pull on the ribbon. [Later I dream that the ribbon is in Canyon Market.]

June 15 dream:  Drop my wallet. Lose my driver’s license.

June 14, 2025:  In ’til 10:30 a.m. Take #29 and J to Dolores Park for “No Kings!” march. It’s so crowded on J that I get off early. There were so many people in Dolores Park that it took us about an hour to get started. Connect with beautiful, long-haired guy with cane, resting at tree. See hawk swoop overhead. When we reach Market Street, I see that we are taking up the whole of Market Street (both coming and going) from Dolores Street to Van Ness Avenue. March all the way to Ciivc Center. Feel very happy. Can’t hear the speakers so I walk to Castro via Market. See cute guy at Church Street. Do double-take. Others rush to cross street before light changes, but I hold back. Then I see John on his bike turning right from Church to Market. I think he rode down 14th Street. I feel faint. Is it sunstroke or is it being in close proximity to John? Go to W.G. Fall in love with clerk there. On to Peet’s on upper Market. Then Eureka library. Walk to Castro. Take photo of guy on his knees taking photo at Market and Castro. Then I introduce myself to him. His name is Taiga. He’s from Tokyo. I show him my camera and my latest photo. I give him my ZontaPhotos web address. He says, “I like your photo.” It’s only later that I realize that the photo I showed him was the one I just took of him. I tell him I lived in Kamakura when I was 8 years old. He says I should visit Tokyo again. He asks me what are good spots to take photos in S.F.? I recommend a few places. Then I bid farewell. We touch hands. Later in subway station, I go back to see if he’s still there. But he’s not. Take K home. Take two hour nap. Shits about 10:30 p.m.

June 14 dream:  A movie being filmed. A black guy who I know is the rapist. Someone yells, “Take her pants off so I can rape her.” We weren’t supposed to be interested, but I certainly was.

June 13, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. I ring bell as J stops at crosswalk. Driver comes out of his cubicle to ask me if I want to get off here. I say, “No. Glen Park.” Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. He may not go to “No Kings” march after all. Meet someone I thought might be a postal worker who has a Mohave Express patch on his shirt. Mohave Express is a video game set in 2231. He says at one point he wanted to join the USPS but he walks with a cane. Go to library. Finish Night. Walk to G.C.P. I cruise cute young pizza delivery man and vice versa. Crows chase big hawk back into tree from June 10. Walk to Woodside. #52 to F.H. Subway power outage so I wait for shuttle. Guy with cute butt and backwards baseball cap gets on Castro shuttle. I was attracted to his butt but not to him. #43 to W.F. Handsome Asian guy walks around with self-conscious smile. Also woman who smiles at me and kind of undoes me. Check out with Cole. Watch Inside Man in p.m. I get excited by young pedophile feeling utterly desperate. (*Relates to 2nd dream of June 10, I think.)

June 13 dream:   I follow John up elevator in G.P. library. I ask if it’s okay if I follow him. I guess it’s okay.

June 13 dream:  Get on bus with h.s. kids from Saratoga band. Bus goes into neighborhood of apartments. Guy asks me my name. I write it down. He takes us to huge unfinished apartment with open roof and walls, still being worked on. I say, “How much?” He says, “72.”

June 12, 2025:  Anonymous woman calls. I say, “Is this Stinky?” She says, “I beg your pardon.” I say, “Is. This. Stinky?” She hangs up. In ’til 3ish. Walk out door. See “9 of hearts” playing card on ground. #29 and J to G.P. My Chinese old lady friend on J. She gave me her phone at one point. I didn’t know what she was trying to say. (She speaks no English and I speak no Chinese.) Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. He says he’s going to “No Kings” march on June 14. Like me. Go to library. Read more Night. Walk thru G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. K home. Group of 8-10 black guys hanging out, playing with each other, making noise at Lee and Ocean, a slightly larger group than last night. Watching Inside Man in p.m., I realize, even if I knew I could, if I told anybody about what my father  did, I would be risking becoming a homeless orphan. 

June 12 dream:  Leaving The Prosperos on friendly terms. Have to give Bill F. keys to car. Another car, I tell him, is mine. We’re at Garland Place cul-de-sac where I grew up in Menlo Park. Cul-de-sac is divided into 8 sections.

June 12 dream:  Bob M. says I sound scared on the phone.

June 12 dream:  Hot older woman flirts with young guy. Later I see him in group. I’m waiting for something.

June 11, 2025:  Anonymous call in a.m. In’ til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Learn that G.P.M. Owner’s name is Oli. New barista at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Night. Walk thru G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. #36 to F.H. Two young Latino guys on platform with me. One wearing his pants down to fully expose his colorful underpants and shapely ass. He approaches me. Then his friend joins him. They want to know how to get to “Charger Point” which I’d never heard of. I try to understand what they are saying, but they speak only Spanish. I tell them they should take the M train which I think will get them where they want to go. I let my own train pass by so I can stay with them as long as possible. Then I take next K home. Get really excited on seeing young guy in white who looks at me briefly before exiting at St. Francis Place. (*Baby hawk and adult hawk from hier relate to young boys and guy in white today, I think.) Get off at Lee. Three or four black guys on corner pretending to be cops, saying, “Get on the ground!” I connect with one of them. Go to W.F. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Faux masculinity is toxic and can destroy everything. Conclusion: Truth is the only Potentate. He/She dominates all and cooperates with all.

June 10, 2025:  Get anonymous calls in a.m. I say, “John? Stinky? I think I saw you yesterday on Portola Drive.” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. K to Balboa Station. Loud black girl on board. J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. He tells me “twa-la-comb” means “You’re welcome” in Nepali. Willow at C.B. Also loud black woman there. Go to library. Read more from Night. As I exit library, Miles is there wearing his tam as he did hier. I say to myself, “I don’t know what to say to him.” Then almost immediately, I say to myself, “God does.” Just then cute little boy and his mother exit from the elevator and I smile at them. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Walk thru G.C.P. On Amber drive, I hear what sounds like baby hawk in a tree. I stand there for a whole. Then large adult hawk flies out. Walk up Portola. Feel boyishly happy. Then see my gay black friend who I have run into several times now on this street. #52 to F.H. K home. Cute biracial skateboarder on K. I say, “Shouldn’t you be skateboarding home?” He says, “It’s too far.” He gets off at Junipero Serra and Ocean and skateboards away.

June 10 dream:  Woman drops bag of viscous liquid we’re supposed to drink from to test something.

June 10 dream:  I’m at work, I think. Harriet doesn’t really like me. I’ve only got one day left here. Notice door is open. And a black woman in a gray hoodie in a wheelchair is saying, “Shh!” I say, “What are you doing here? Who are you?” She says, “Shh! Shh!”

June 10 dream:  Me throwing black box.

June 10 dream:  Looking at apartment for rent for $569.

June 9, 2025:  Anonymous caller says nothing. I say, “Is this Stinky? I haven’t heard from you in a few days.” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Connect with Robert and Miles. Finish Patron Saints. Start Night by Elie Wiesel. Walk to G.C.P. Shits at R.C. Walk to M.S. See guy on bike riding west on Portola. Bike has two baskets over rear wheel just like John’s on May 16. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) Go to M.S. Talk with Allen. He says cottage cheese supplier was hacked. Check out with Will. He goes to CCSF. Doesn’t know where he will transfer to or what his major will be. He asks me what my major was. I say that I started with Political Science, then English, then Humanities. Bus to F.H. K home. Guy listening to “Destiny’s Child” on K. Insight: Maybe I was so willing to have a inappropriate relationship (sexual or emotional) with my father as a means of avoiding a relationship with my real Father. (i.e., God).

June 9 dream:  Working at gay bathhouse. Boss wants me to spend 20 minutes on this, then 40 minutes on that. Then spend the reset of the time on something else. I’m in shower wearing wet black pants with lots of guys of different sizes and different aged gay men.

June 9 dream:   Black underground group selling something.

June 9 dream:  Lots of new libraries popping up in various parts of S.F. I stop in one. Lots of people waiting for a talk on Percy Shelley. I sit between guy and gal. Guy worked in other libraries. He’s gay but not very cute. We talk. Guy says ISSA and Don Johnson are responsible for a lot of the new libraries. I start to eat chocolate mint cookie. And they both start giggling I don’t know what’s so funny, but I start giggling too.

June 9 dream:  My woman boss gives us all kinds of impossible things to Xerox. Like a jar of beans.

June 8, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. with my Chinese old lady friend. Owner at G.P.M. Lues “upstairs.” Mark at C.B. Library closes early today so I walk to G.C.P. Hear and see hawk fly over me on Chenery Street. It settles on top of tree. I take photos. As I enter G.C.P., baby in stroller smiles at me with her eyes. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Run into Alex on K. Try to run away but don’t make it. She actually accuses guy sitting on the other side of her of attacking her psychically. She leaves without saying anything so I hope she realizes I’m not a friend. As people exit on Victoria (I’m not sure), guy smiles at me unbidden. Get text from Jonathan in p.m, thanking me for gift I sent him on May 6.

June 8 dream:  Buy pack of cigarettes for $5. Winston Lights. 

June 7, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. Realize I misplaced my headphones hier. So take K to W.P. to buy new set at W.G. Then take K to Castro. #35 just taking off from Market and Castro so I race down Castro to catch up with it at 18th Street, passing 440 Castro on the way. Take #35 to G.P. Willow at C.B. Meet Carl at C.B. We talk about ChatGPT, AI and retirement, which he wants to do. He says AI will increase economic inequality because humans are the only animals who are greedy. Go to library. Read more Patron Saints. Walk to G.C.P. Think of confronting my father. Wonder what it would be like. Then bring everyone in the family into the scene: Harriet, Tom, Nancy, Laurie and, finally, my mother. Realize I needed her in-put. But she had no problem with my father having sex with me, as long as I didn’t mind. And, apparently, I didn’t.. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home.

June 7 dream:   At work with demeaning co-worker.trying to remember how to use notes and things corresponding to line of design.

June 7 dream:   I find out my police officer has been removed. I say, “Is the sheriff working on it?” She says, “We all are.”

June 7 dream:  Trying to find place to pay my resto bill.

June 6, 2025:  In ’til 2ish. Take K to IKEA to return rug I got hier. Walk up Market to Peet’s on upper Market.Then go to Eureka library. Read more from Patron Saints. I had decided not to go to 440 Castro, but at some point in the library I changed my mind and decided to go there. But first I go to Cliff’s to buy coffee mug. Too expensive. Then go to 440 Castro. It’s Hawaii night. Attractive black greeter there in Hawaiian get-up. I want to ask his permission to take photo of him but he walks outside. I go to back of club. Then leave. My black Hawaiian comes back and I follow him in. He enters door I had never noticed before. As he does, he pauses a while and let’s me view him. Feel bouncy happy for a moment. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Walk up 18th Street to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Harrold.

June 6 dream:  Friend warns me that at high temperatures things begin to melt.

June 6 dream:  [Wake up to 11:11.]

June 6 dream:  Last day of initiation. Guys are hosing down sheep. I think we’re going to have to ride them.

June 5, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. Lots of anonymous calls. I tell caller, “I’m outside now. I’ll be taking the bus to Balboa Station and then the J to Glen Park. Then I’ll go to Cafe Bello if you want to stop by.” Later I say, “You must really love me to call me so much.” Lues and owner at G.P.M. Owner hoping to move into big house in the area. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Patron Saints. Walk to G.C.P. Take shits at R.C. Hear and see hawk. Then again on exiting park. Walk to Woodside Avenue. Two cute guys on #44. K home. Go to W.F. Get in line behind cute hippie who smiles at me. Get third rug from IKEA in lobby.

June 5 dream:  Trying to get lots of mostly boys/mens underwear done in time so they’ll have something to wear.

June 5 dream:  Woman giving pep talk to man in showroom window. We can’t hear them. Except she said something like, “Grab your balls,” which I reported to those guys around me who thought I was quite funny.

June 5 dream:  Elderly woman loses her screwdriver. Says her son checked it out (rented it) decades ago. Woman cop takes more of her info. Not her cellphone number, though.

June 4, 2025:  Spam caller from CVS wants me to schedule an appointment for doctor to come to my place to check me out. I say, “Sort of like Grindr?” He hangs up. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Patron Saints. Take shits before I leave library. Walk to G.C.P. Smile at tall gay guy carrying his dog like a child. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #36 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Shower soap case appears to move on its own. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Dissociative amnesia is like having a hole in your psyche. Conclusion: Truth cannot and does not hide from Itself.

June 4 dream:  I’m dressed in black. I rush towards Leigh and kiss her. I say, “I feel so dark and handsome.”

June 4 dream:  I’m naked in the bathroom. Tall naked guy comes in. He says, “Why are you naked/” I say, “I’m naked ’cause I just took a shower.” Which is a lie. I say, “Why are you naked?”

June 4 dream:  Lots of cooks in the kitchen. Young woman makes tray of bacon. Strawberry cake is discovered. I take a slice.

June 3, 2025:  A few anonymous calls. Caller says nothing. I say, “Stinky?” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. He tells me that “James,” the homeless guy who hangs out there a lot, thinks that I am from England and that I am spying on him. I like the idea of being from England. Go to library. Read more from Patron Saints. On leaving library, #35 rounds the corner for the second day in a row. I’m still not interested. Later, walking up Chenery, feel sudden sense of joy. Then see and connect with cute guy who smiles at me with his eyes. Take shits at R.C. Walk to Glenview Drive. Friendly guy dressed in black walking behind me. Then he’s not walking behind me. #52 to F.H. #43 home. Cute young guy who totally ignores me.

June 3 dream:  Someone wins race. I compliment coach. (h.o.)

June 3 dream:  Start to clean medicine cabinet in the kitchen. I think my old woman roommate is not going to work out. She tells me she bought lots of cleaning supplies.

June 3 dream:  Me posting photos for real estate agents trying to figure out the difference between a peach and a peach tree.

June 3 dream:  Lots of people wearing black leather jackers. Me pulling car with ”Giants” sticker on it.

June 3 dream:  Kathy Warfield laying on top of me. I say, “I’m glad you’re back in my life.”

June 3 dream:  Laura M. takes my seat when I go to look at flying semi truck landing in the water.

June 2, 2025:  Anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “I didn’t hear from you yesterday. Were you in church?” Later spam caller named “Stinky” calls. At least that’s what it sounded like. Cracks me up. She hangs up when I call her “Stinky.” In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Sit next to woman. When she leaves she is joined by her daughter and her daughter’s friend who is a stunningly beautiful young woman. As I leave library, #35 bus rounds corner. I almost take it, but decide against. Walk to G.C.P. Then to M.S. Ask for creamed spinach from young woman at at deli. Feel like crying. So I begin conversation with her. When I leave I still feel like crying. At first I blame myself for some unresolved emotional problem of my own. Later realize that perhaps I am what they call an empath. Check out with Ed. #52 to F.H. K home.

June 2 dream:  Passing out political literature. Then stand in long line for lunch.

June 2 dream:  On the way to visit Harriet (my step-mother) for the weekend.

June 1, 2025:  No anonymous calls today. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Patron Saints. Walk to G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. #52 to to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole and Theo. I ask Theo if he knows where his name comes from. He says someone once told him that it comes from Greek or Latin meaning God. I say, “That’s a lot to live up to.” He says, “Well, I try.”

June 1 dream:  Big h.o. dream about multiplying without boundaries.

June 1 dream:  I throw something at someone in the corner so he’s wake up and see the little washing machine boy(?)

June 1 dream:  Flying over bird shitting without me.

June 1 dream:  Translate in my head: Conclusion: Mind only knows Itself, which is everything.

June 1 dream:  Big gala celebration. Final act is famous Michael Feinstein-like pianist who is Asian. I start pounding the table in excitement He goes into costume changing screen and emerges in a muscle tan T-shirt, looking great.

May 31, 2025:  Spam calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Patron Saints. See Miles as I exit. Walk to G.C.P. Woman cruises me. Nice guy smiles at me. Walk to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. K home. Cute young guy I connect with before he exits at Aptos.

May 31 dream:  Guy walking around as cardboard cut-out of himself. I start making out with his boyfriend.

May 30, 2025:  Sign new lease in a.m. Feel kind of rushed even though it doesn’t start ’til August 19, 2025. Anonymous calls. In ’til 3ish. #29 with my favorite bus driver (from May 21) and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Homeless guy at C.B. leaves early. Go to library. Read more from Patron Saints. Walk thru G.C.P. Young black woman with short skirt and brief top greets me as we pass each other. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. K home. Run into Alex (from April 7). She says she’s been attacked on Muni. Then she starts talking about those people who come into our country and try to take it over. Then she says, “But Trump will fix that.” Somehow this made me happy. Shits at 3 a.m. or so just before I go to bed. Insight: Could sleep apnea be related to the inner child’s threat of holding her breath to get her way?

May 30 dream:  Fall [in dream].

May 30 dream:  Guy helps me reorient rug so we can fold it from the bottom.

May 30 dream:  Visiting woman in The Prosperos. Her two cats each grab a goldfish from the tank but can’t swallow it ’cause it’s too large. So we grab them out. Then Thane stops by looking jaunty. He says he”s fine even though he just broke his pelvis.

May 30 dream:  Guy making omelet for me and several ladies. Maureen M. and I share an omelet. 

May 29, 2025:  Someone from Debt Collective calls, I say, “I have no debts.” In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Owner at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Start Patron Saints of Nothing. I like it so far. On exiting library, young woman holds the door open for me, while checking me out. I’m wearing my shiny red pants. Walk thru G.C.P to Safeway Diamond Heights. Run into my “socks” friend from May 25. #52 to M.S. Check out with Ed. Talk with Ben. I ask him how he’s doing at school. He laughs and says, “Not good.” (*Relates to shits from hier?) #43 to F.H. K home. Sit near three black guys. One is talking to himself. I think he’s probably nuts. When we all get off at the same stop, I see him more clearly. He’s beautiful. And I think he was practicing his rap. Go to W.F. See Theo. Check out with Cole. Work on Change.org petition for challenging Electoral College in court for violation of equal protection clause of the 14th Amendment. (*Relates to seeing Bruce on May 27? He was the one who helped me rewrite the proposal a few years back.) Shits around midnight.

May 29 dream:  Dustin Hoffman at 81 is on the plane. And he has me doing stuff. Then the lights go out. And someone says, “Wait ’til the lights get on.”

May 29 dream:  Move into old apartment building I used to live in. Lots of old friends there. Chris Henrichs, for example. I think I am on the second floor. Chris has his own office. I wonder why I don’t have an office.

May 29 dream:  At spiritual camp. I was there ’cause I was emotionally honest. People keep storing in even though we’re being renewed on inside. Guy says, “We’ll see you in the mountain.”

May 28, 2025:  Anonymous call in a.m. Caller says nothing. I say, “I saw a dead rat yesterday.” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Also very cute young guy who I think flirted with me. Go to library. Finish initiation. Take shits before leaving library. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear owl on exiting. See older black gay guy on Portola. Same as March 26, I think. Go to M.S. Check out with Ed. Go to burrito place. #43 home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: With age, cataracts can obscure vision and lead to blindness. Conclusion: The Right is the Light. Clear my cache in p.m.

May 28 dream:  All the women are wild about guy who is too cool for them. I accidentally run into one of them on my bike on ride down hill.

May 27, 2025:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Monterey Hair Salon. Great time with Jun and Rickey (Jun’s cute, gay, new partner). Jun wants me to write a review on Yelp and Google and to write President Xi of China to ask him to allow dual citizenships. (Two of which I did. Couldn’t figure our how to do a Google review.) Walk to G.P. Run into Bruce from Peet’s W.P. in front of Wells Fargo ATM. Go to library. Robert helps me scan two documents for my BMR application. See Miles as I exit. I say, “You got a haircut.” He smiles. I say, “So did I.” (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Walk thru G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. See dead rat in G.C.P. again. #36 to F.H. Beautiful guy gets on M as I wait for K. I think he has a nice aroma. K home. Go to W.F. Big friendly, pit bull dog jumps up on me on the elevator.

May 27 dream:  Move into 4th floor of dorm. Room has bugs. Don’t like it ’til I meet my next door neighbor: a kind, handsome, dark-haired young man. Walk thru building a few times. One man I sort of know shakes my hand.

May 27 dream:  Waiting for train home. Then my woman boss offers me ride home.

May 26, 2025:  Anonymous call in a.m. I say, “Don’t you guys take off for holidays?” Caller hangs up. (*Relates to dead rat from hier?) In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Get anonymous call at C.B. Caller says nothing, I say, “John?” Caller hangs up. Two cute guys sitting near me. Read more from Initiation. Library closed today Walk to G.C.P. Half way up the hill, I start to feel “shitty.” So I go back down to R.C. and take shits there. Walk home via Mangels and Joost. Go to W.F. See Johnny. Check out with Jeff.

May 26 dream:  Go to work at Melissa’s house. My work station is no longer there. Nor is my sleep station. Finally, I yell, “Hey, I don’t mean to be mad, but I need some place to work and some place to sleep.”

May 26 dream:  We’re walking down barren landscape. Some people are falling off path. Guy says, “This is serious. Some people out here are children.” Liz A. and I walk together briefly. We note how still and beautiful it is. I pass injured black guy in puddle. He asks for help. I walk on. He says he’ll remember me. Before I was with John F, so I decide to go back there.

May 26 dream:  Sitting in crowded cafe with woman. Our arms touch like lovers. My coffee is cold.

May 25, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Also impossibly beautiful young man who never looked at me though I was sitting just across from him. When he and his girlfriend left, he checked himself out blatantly in the mirror on the wall just over my head. Go to library. Read more from Initiation. Walk to G.C.P. See same dead rat I saw on May 17. To to Safeway Diamond Heights to buy socks. I ask cute worker there if they sell socks. He says, “Socks?” as in [and he lifts his leg]. I say, “Yes.” He says, “No.” #52 to F.H. K home.

May 25 dream:  I’m taking a shower. Want to make sure the water pressure is harder. Press a few buttons. Someone overhears me about the water pressure.

May 25 dream:  Finish therapy session. Three nicely dressed women going home. I am shirtless. They’re going out somewhere. They invite me along. I say, “Sure.”

May 24, 2025:  Get anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “You don’t usually call on Saturday.” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Miss two #29s and two J trains. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Cute guy I thought was a girl until he started speaking. Then young guy with nice body who didn’t like being admired. So I didn’t. Go to library. Miles half way through Marquis de Sade book. Walk thru G.C.P. On exiting, see guy approaching me. Then he turns around and walks the other way. When I arrive where he was, he seems to have disappeared or at least I can’t find him. Walk to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. Bus driver says my hair looked like a flame blowing in the wind. Go to W.F. See Johnny. Check out with Jeff.

May 24 dream:  Grocery store on upper Market re-opens.

May 24 dream:  Really hot guy embraces me from behind. We plan to get together later. I try to escape place. Get raincoat from guy convicted of murder. Outside it’s clear and sunny. Murderer is still following us.

May 24 dream:  Obama and Kamala sitting in back of bus.

May 24 dream:  Book on ’64 to ’68.

May 23, 2025:  Work on BMR renewal ’til 4:30ish. Take K to Castro. Go to Eureka library ’til 6ish. Walk to 18th and Castro (avoiding 440 Castro). Take photos of guy dressed up as superhero whose friend was videotaping him. Later realize that shits from hier and coyote dream of May 21 probably relate to John seeing me at 18th & Castro around the same time today. Walk up 18th Street to Glenview Drive. See Xavier in the sidewalk. (Xavier means “new home.”) #52 to F.H. K home. Old guy waiting for K lets out loud fart or three. Relates to hetero couple on K? Water plants on balcony. Butterfly flies out from one plant as I water it. See “1111” in p.m. Lots of body pains today. Left leg cramp comes and goes rhythmically ’til I Translate and use ice pad.

May 23 dream:  Therapy going on upstairs in Clair Gold’s refurbished flat. Big arrogant, heavy guy and I are down on 1st floor, laying in adjacent black tubs, listening. I say to guy next to me, “You really are a bully.” Later in auditorium full of children, I say, “I hate this job.”

May 23 dream:  I tell Janet Cornwell, “I was in a play last night. I played Oscar Wilde.” I think the play dealt with censorship. Janet had mentioned the word “fuck.”

May 22, 2025:  Find out “Do Not Disturb” button on my phone has been on all day. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Cute boy and his mother who I don’t connect with. Then second mother and son both of whom I do connect with. See “Saratoga” on truck driving by. Go to library. Read more from Initiation. Author says pain comes from opposition. Which was very exciting to me. (*Relates to owl from hier, I think.) Walk to G.C.P. Take shits at R.C. Walk to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. K home. As I enter K, I stand across from seated cute guy. My left foot starts to hurt. He looks up from his phone. We connect. Then he exits and I check out his butt. Very hot.

May 22 dream:  The Polaris Missile.

May 21, 2025:  Donovan stops by to fix hallway light. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. #29 bus driver says I don’t need to run to catch his bus. That if he sees me, he’ll stop for me between bus stops. Mark at C.B. Get anonymous call. Caller says nothing but doesn’t hang up for hours. I don’t hang up either. Really big girl with long hair at C.B. She kind of flirts with me. I’m sad to see her go. She makes me feel hot. I tell caller about her. Caller says nothing. Go to library. Start reading The Morl Circle about how we need to learn how to love insects and AI. I return book. Then start The Initiation of the World. Walk thru G.C.P. Caller still on. Hear owl on Amber Drive. Go to M.S. Check out with Will who I’d never seen before. Steve at other checkout counter. Walk to Woodside Avenue. I tell caller, “This is where I saw you a few days ago.” Cute crazy street guy and I wait for #52. Driver won’t allow us on ’til crazy guy is out of sight. When she opens door, he sneaks on. #52 to F.H. K home. Sit across from guy I first met on May 7. He didn’t want to talk much then so I don’t talk directly to him. But we both talk to couple about their dogs. I stand up when he gets off at Miramar. Caller finally hangs up. Go to W.F. My “girlfriend” at cheese station.

May 21 dream:  Dinner at Jo & Larry’s. Have to take shit. See large coyote at top of cross street.

May 21 dream:   I tell William Fennie to lay off me.

May 21 dream:  I hear about a series of earthquakes, though I didn’t feel them.

May 20, 2025:  Jerk off in a.m. Anonymous call. Caller says nothing, I say, “I jerked off with you in mind.” In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Sit behind man and his 5-month-old daughter on K. Willow at C.B. Also cute guy who I don’t think was used to being admired. Go to library. Finish Elvis. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. Check out with Steve, who’s very nice to me. #44 to F.H. K home.

May 19, 2025:  Call from someone claiming to be CVS. I reply, “I like your hair.” (*Relates to dead rat from May 17?) In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Miles there. Read more from Elvis. Walk thru G.C.P. Overhear: :”Almost too good to be true…this place.” Trip passing guy on steps out of G.C.P. He helps me balance myself. Walk by kid sitting in his front yard on Amber Drive. At first he doesn’t look real. Guy on Portola looks like he’s waiting for sexual liaison. Maybe with me. #52 to F.H. K home. Vacant seat next to hot Asian guy with tattoos. There are plenty of other seats available. I’m not comfortable with the idea, but I decide to sit next to him anyhow. He gets off on W.P. I turn in my seat to let him out. Somehow I touch the back of his leg. It’s very hot. As he exits, he looks back at me. Later on, young white guy gets on and stands near me. I stop doing my crossword puzzle. Go to W.F. Check out near Allen. My debit card works. In p.m. start working on book again after nine months.

May 19 dream:  Getting my hair un-ratted to prepare for my new barber.

May 19 dream:  Climbing Mt. Whitney. Some will die there. Guy says, “You can get me later if it makes you feel better.”

May 18, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. He tells me that the place has been partially re-painted. As we talk, homeless guy begins paranoid rant. At first I try to understand what he’s saying. Then I just return to my seat. (Later Mark tells me that he was upset about the flashlight from my cellphone.) Go to library. Read about Elvis having an orgasm during the first session of his 1968 Comeback Special on NBC. Walk thru G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Beautiful young Asian guy I sit near. He tries to ignore me. As I enter W.F., black guy (with his young son) smiles seductively at me. See Theo at checkout counter. Write email to HughJohn. Here it is: “I want to thank you and your dream group again for listening to my dream of April 24 which I quote below from my dream diary.  The next day I felt a sense of guilt for having exposed a family secret.  A few days later I got sick. Whenever I sneezed, “tears” were streaming from my eyes and my nose. In my RHS of my father I realized I wasn’t crying about the sexual abuse.  I was crying about the loss of my father who seemed to become a different person when he remarried and we started a new family. On my birthday, May 7,  while walking home from Glen Canyon Park, I ran into a large coyote. He and I both looked at each other for a few moments.  Then he turned around and walked the other way.  As I passed the corner, I saw that there were two coyotes walking quickly away from me.  I followed ’til I lost them. I think they were showing me that I had successfully RHSed my father and myself.” As I write it, I realize that it wasn’t that my father didn’t love me, but that he felt he had to pretend that he didn’t love me when we started the new step-family. (Just like John pretends he doesn’t love me.)

May 18 dream:  Police sting about re-gifting.

May 18 dream:  Trying to start Chapter 15 of our book, “Heat.” Woman I work with invites me into her office. The other worker there in Dickens costume with big hat and floppy clothes. Then they all begin to hold hands and recite something.

May 17, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Miles is reading book about Marquis de Sade. I tell him about Occult Elvis. Walk to G.C.P. Take shits at R.C. See dead rat. Check out guy in shorts walking between two women. He check me out as well. Take upper path. Lots of noise from party down below. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jeff. My debit card works. New Translation first step word: precise.

May 17 dream:  Two large pregnant cockroaches dying on my bathroom floor. I look for spatula or something to scoop them up and flush them down the toiler. Also smaller cockroach.

May 17 dream:  Talk to Johnny Depp lookalike working in a garden in the back of a pickup truck. As soon as I start talking to him, everyone else does as well. Dog starts eating muffin in my grocery bag. His owner wonders if it’s good for him.

May 16, 2025:  Call my bank. Am finally able to log into my checking account. Nice guy on phone. Do online work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Owner at G.P.M. I tell him, “I’m sure with all your money you’ll be able to find a nice place here in Glen Park.” He smiles. Mark at C.B. My debit card doesn’t work there. Go to library. Read more Elvis. Walk thru G.C.P. As I approach Portola Drive, I hear, “Hello.” Sounds like it’s coming from the bushes or a nearby tree. I don’t see anybody. I say, “Hello.” Walk to Woodside Avenue. Feel earthquake, at least within my body. Guy rides by me on his bike. He has long gray hair tied in the back. Small bald spot in back as well. I think it’s John. #52 to F.H. Take photos of skateboarders skating in front of bus. K home. Nice looking young man wearing headphones smiles at me as I enter. I seat across from him. I want to connect with him again. So I get up. He smiles at me again. I go to doorway, pretending this is my stop. Then I get off several stops early. Next train comes along soon. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole.

May 16 nap dream:  Everyone’s singing Barney song. I go to other room and get littlest kitten. I ask kitten, “When do you become a big cat?” Then a whole bunch of large ducks and geese surround me and I drop kitten in one of the large vases on the wall. Find out snake is in one of them. Mother cat is in another.

May 16 dream:  My Speedo-type swim suit keeps falling down either in front or in back while I’m carrying two heavy buckets, one in each hand. At place of business started in July (according to notice on wall). I’m helping someone out. Black girl won’t stand up for herself. (h.o.)

May 15, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more Elvis. Insight: Realize John was the one trying to choke me hier as he has on several occasions over the past few years, I think. Walk thru G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. Start to feel real anger towards John. #36 to F.H. K home. Start feeling real fear of John. Looks like I may be required to exhibit some physical courage. In p.m. can’t log in to my checking account so I spend a sleepless night waiting ’til I can call my bank.

May 14, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Get call from Andrew at Prism apartments re: BMR so I take J to Civic Center to look at apt. Guy on J I was interested in gets off at Civic Center like me. I follow him to Charles J. Brenham Place. Go to Prism apts. Friendly guy let’s me in. He says,, “I like your shirt. I wear pink, too.” Andrew shows me apt. it’s smaller than I thought, has no open windows, very little storage space, and costs about $1280 per month. I like Andrew and I like the people I met there, but this does not feel like the right place. I walk up Market Street. Follow hot guy. Street person confronts him (for being too hot?) I take underground to Church Station. Then walk back and run into hot guy. He’s non-responsive so I give him muted wolf whistle. Take F to 16th Street. Go to Eureka library. Read more from Elvis. Choke for a minute or two. Feels like I could die. Get drink of water and take cough drop. Walk up 18th Street to M.S.. (Avoid 440 Castro.) Check out with Ayden. I ask him about UC Irvine, where he is enrolling. He asks me where I went to school. I say, “Oregon State. I loved everything about that place.” See Derek on exiting. Take #44 to F.H. Guy I stand and sit near on #44. He gets off at F.H. like me. He enters station. Then exits., K home. Guy gets on two stops before I get off. Smiles self-consciously. Then exits one stop before me. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Some students of Truth may lack physical courage. Conclusion: All that can be scientifically verified is the infinity of the courage (heart) of Truth.

May 14 dream:  See Luther Balieu and Paul Hernandez at cafe.

May 13, 2025:  In ’til 12:15 p.m. #29 and #38 to VA. Sit near two guys on #38 who are sitting closely together. One very cute, the other not so cute. The cute one is sitting to the right of the other guy. With his left hand he grabs the other guy’s drink and drinks through the same straw. Go to VA. Christine does my toenails. Have great exchange with her. She talks about patients with dementia. Walk home via G.G.P. As I exit park, guy crossing street from the other side says (as the light changes), “It’s our turn now.” Go to Sunset library. Read more from Elvis. Walk to 9th Avenue. Go to Arizmendi bakery. Order pizza slice. It comes in bag with “Mike” on it, though I don’t remember giving him my name. Run to catch #43. As I exit at “Bookstore” stop, I stop in my tracks for cute young guy who looks sort of like John. I follow him off. He stops for some reason. I walk ahead of him and sort of twirl around. Feel really tired. Take two hour nap. Go to W.F. before they close at 10 p.m. As I re-enter apartment through back door, tall dark black guy (I think) passes me. He kind of frightens and kind of excites me.

May 13 dream:  Woman who was sexually assaulted. Someone about to get new sheets. I went to bed before the others who were still there, a woman and a man.

May 13 dream:  Join active union where we are expected to … people up, etc. We … on each other. I’ml nos sure if I want to stay in union.

May 13 dream:  Tom C. tells me he bought a gun ’cause he loves L.A. and that’s what L.A. does. Some woman was making her appearance. Some guys singing something in somebody’s garage.

May 13 dream:  My book is ready to be taken to copy place (with the removal of some books inserted with the rest of the manuscript). Woman looking at old photos of me as a young black boy. She says, “Who are you anyhow?”

May 12, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and.J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Miles drops in. Go to library. Miles there. Read more Elvis. Get anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “Elvis?” Caller hangs up. Go to restroom. Cute young guy leaves restroom as I enter. He gives me sexually submissive look. (*Relates to hawk from May 8?) Walk thru G.C.P. Toddler walking on his own looks at me. I look at him. I turn around. He’s still looking. This goes on for a while. Hear coyotes howling from below. Go to Glenview Dr. #52 to F.H. K home. Smell nice aroma before entering K train. Relates to handsome young man who exits at next stop. Go to W.F. As I enter store, I wonder whatever happened to Myrna, the friendly black lady I met a few months ago. Then she appears. We greet each other. Try to check out with Allen. He refers me to next check out station. Shits in p.m. (twice).

May 12 dream:  Guy I had been seeing is a boyfriend of Calvin’s. I tell Calvin, “That’s cool.” Big crowd around.

May 12 dream:  Tom O. gets back from trip at Saratoga house. He says, “I missed you.” I say, “I missed you, too.”

May 12 dream:  Cute blue-eyed, brown-haired guy in the Tenderloin gives me a seductive look. I’m at Bob M. and Phil D’s place. They start talking to me. I lose blue-eyed guy.

May 11, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Elvis. Insight; Cold from last few days in which tears were streaming from my eyes and my nose relates to grief over losing my father. He abandoned me, I think, out of shame for what he did to me, that he sexually abused me. I didn’t care so much about that. I would rather have had his love than get back at him for what he did to me. (*Relates to coyotes from May 7, I think. Two coyotes, one representing my father, one representing me as a child). Walk to G.C.P. Take shits at R.C. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #36 to Woodside Avenue. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Theo who holds onto my fingers as he gives me my receipt. Cole nearby.

May 11 dream:  All 1st floor credit or debits show up today.

May 11 dream:  Am in Paris. Meeting with Bill Floyd, Paul Fortis, and older woman. Friend shows big art place to invite her and us to some event. I’m hoping I get some time to meet my friend who I met last time I was in Paris.

May 10, 2025:  Took NyQuil twice last nite. Feel really tired. Do online work. Take long nap. Still tired. Stay in all day. Clean bathtub so that I will have accomplished at least something today.

May 10 dream:  John F. says, “I hate greatness.” John F. and gay guy go to gay bar. After, gay guy is at our (John’s and my) apartment. Gay guy Is with someone else. The light in the room is too bright so I turn it down. There are others in the apartment now. As I turn light on one cute guy, I say, “And now featuring…” He says, ‘If you want it…”

May 10 dream:  Being interviewed by my old boss who’s taking me back again. I share with her a copy of my talk printed out.

May 9, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. Beautiful guy in front of W.F. as I leave apt. building. I stare at him and he turns around. #29 and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. It’s totally crowded so I go directly to library. And try to read more Elvis. Walk thru G.C.P. Go to Walgreens Diamond Heights. As I cross Twin Peaks Blvd. guy in car yells “Hey, Lady!” #44 to F.H. Same black driver as hier. I wave hello as I exit. K home. Sit across from cute young Asian guy. We both exit at Lee. We make some sort of connection. Work on BB in p.m. Look into other web hosts online. Get “1111” on kitchen stove. Do RHS of my father in p.m. Realize I want to get back at him for abandoning me. Watch Chicago P.D. One line is: “The time is coming w when much will be asked of you. Be patient. Be ready.” Watch Ordinary People in p.m.

May 8, 2025:  Get anonymous call. I say “I’m sick, but don’t worry. I’ll live.” No response. Then I say, “But you never know.” In ’til 3ish. #29 and walk to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Elvis. Walk thru G.C.P. As I exit, hawk rises up from the ground right next to me. And flies into a tree. Walk to M.S. See Ben. I ask if he was in he Castro on Tuesday. He says he wasn’t. I say, ‘I saw someone on Castro Street who looked very much like you, only he wasn’t wearing a mask.” Then I add, “Do you always wear your mask? He says, “Yes.” Go to CVS. Guy from April 11 there. He is not all that cute and not all that nice. Go to burrito place. #44 to F.H. I ask young black bus driver, “Is it fun driving a bus?” He smiles and says, “Not always.” I say, “It looks fun.” K home.

May 8 dream:  Do four loads of wash at crowded laundromat.

May 8 dream:  Al H., William F., and others. If one swims length of canal, whoever wins gets a prize. The waters are very choppy at first. Three of us walk to the end of the canal where the water is still. Al and two others sit at table. I decide to walk back. See cute guy on the way.

May 7, 2025:  Happy birthday to me! In ’til 3ish. Get anonymous call. I say, “Is this Ben?” Caller says nothing. I say, “I think I saw you on Castro Street yesterday.” Caller hangs up. #29 and J to G.P. Talk with cute guy in Stanford sweatshirt. I ask him if he goes there. “No.” Is he planning on going there? “No.” But he’s smiling. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Finish LonelyHearts. Start Occult Elvis. Walk up #52 route. Go to Safeway D.H. Go thru line twice so I can get $20 cash back. Go to W.G. Feel excited seeing Glen Canyon Park just a few yards away. So I walk down there expecting something. Didn’t see anything extraordinary. Walk back. On sidewalk near police academy, large coyote and I encounter each other. He looks at me. I look at him. He turns around and goes the other way. When I round corner, I see that he has a mate. So I follow them both ’til I lose them. I do notice a fresh pee marker, however. (*Relates to second dream of May 2, I think.) Walk to Woodside Avenue. #36 to F.H. K home. Sweet guy I sit next to and talk with briefly. Go to W.F. Check out near Allen. He leaves just as my debit card goes thru. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: “The powers that be are ordained of God.” (Romand 13:1) Conclusion: All is ordained in the Singularity of the magnificent Normal.

May 7 dream:  Suspended firefighter is told by other firefighter, “You’re not allowed here, ever.”

May 7 dream:  At big anti-racism convention. Sit next to woman who is psychic. Her boyfriend says, “It’s all true. Ghosts, spirits, angels.” She says people ask her how I know things. I say, “It just comes to you.” She embraces me and says, “It just comes to me.”

May 6, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. Take K to Castro. Go to P.O. Plus to send package to Jonathan Flynn. See Ben or Ben-like guy on Castro. Then #35 to G.P. Cute young guy I connect with as he exits #35. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from LonelyHearts. Talk with Sarah. Her new song, “Arrows of Love,” is coming out on Friday. Talk with Miles. He’s not reading anything at the moment, which is unusual for him. Walk thru G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. K home.

May 6 dream:  Guys come into house to threaten guy I’m hoping to talk to.

May 6 dream:  Interviewing Art Linkletter (with yellow teeth). For the second time. We had 20 minutes.

May 5, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. At J stop in G.P., I say to myself, “There’s got to be some sort of change. Whether I move or whatever, but there’s got to be some sort of change.” Get anonymous call immediately after. Caller says nothing. Owner at G.P.M. He’s still hot. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Miss Lonelyhearts. Talk to Miles on way out. Walk to G.C.P. Hear coyotes howl at passing siren. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Allen. My debit card doesn’t work. Credit card does. Hear Ft. Collins in p.m.

May 6 dream:  Get to know woman at work. Afterwards she becomes delightful to me.

May 5, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. As I leave my apt., feel jumpy happy. #29 and J to G.P. Get call from Jessica asking me if I remember auto accident I had two or three years ago. I say, “Sure.” She hangs up. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Forgot that they close at 5 p.m. As I exit library, Sarah is holding the door. I don’t really feel like chatting. (*Relates to last dream of May 2?) #35 is rolling around the corner. Because of my jumpy happy feeling earlier today, I decide to hop on. Go to Castro. (Two catches in my throat on way.) Go to 440 Castro. They’re having a big event there. It’s crowded. Guy helps me up stairs. I feel like Grande Dame. Go to urinal. (One catch in my throat.) Guy helps me down steps. Feel jumpy happy afterwards. Walk up 18th Street to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Cole nearby. 

May 4 dream:  Little child on my finger. I lose it. Then find it. Hope it’s warm enough.

May 4 dream:  interviewing for temporary job. They want letters from three people I’ve worked for. Then fighter jets start flying really close to our building. Then they take me outside and we walk down ramp to man-made beach area. We all sit or lay in the sun.

May 4 dream:  Jon Stewart and handsome guy laughing at table. Julia Roberts wants me to ask her out.

May 3, 2025:  Being jumpy happy in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Also two Lick-Wilmerding H.S. students running for school co-president. As I leave cafe, I wish them both good luck. Surprisingly, I connect more with the young woman than with the young man. Go to library. Finish Dick. Start Miss LonelyHearts. Walk thru G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. See Cole as I leave.

May 3 dream:  Dinner with V.P. Afterwards there is a Q&A session. Last year with V.P. Pence was quite a scene. This year not so much. (h.o.)

May 3 dream:  At work all of us staff get files with “Mitchell” written on them. Also ten subscriptions renewed, etc.

May 3 dream:  Walking thru building with lots of homeless, sick women laying around with flies on them, reaching out their arms to me as I push by. I couldn’t wait to get out.

May 3 dream:  Walking with Marianne W. She goes up to talk to animals in tree.

May 2, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Lues not at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Very crowded so I sit in window seat. Suddenly out of the corner of my eye I notice beautiful man with dark hair and red shirt pass by. He is smiling self-consciously as I nearly jump out of my seat. I think of following him down the street, but then realize that that’s not necessary. Go to library. Read more Dick. Gert call from Robbie M. as I leave library. I think he wants people to call him. Walk thru G.C.P. Trip on stairway uphill. Go to M.S. Check out with Ed and Derek. Ed gives me free dark chocolate bar. My debit card didn’t work so I call my bank at about 7 p.m. and actually got a live person to talk to. They are merging with another bank so all transactions will be back to normal on Monday, they say.

May 2 dream:  Guy running for president. I’m interested, sort of. I buy some cereal and go out to buy some milk so I can have something to eat while I read his brochures. The two guys there think that’s a good idea. I think he’s probably a right-wing candidate. We’re in some sort of trailer.

May 2 dream:  In banned record shop where guys and gals are dancing nearly naked. Then walking through burnt-out area of S.F. Lots of burnt-out buildings and scary black guys standing around. Then industrial park. Then this big beautiful river valley comes into view. We are so excited that we are kind of swooped up and almost fall into the abyss. Me and others are hanging on to wobbly edge of cliff.

May 2 dream:  Skateboarding thru indoor mall in S.F. Pass women’s spa. I think, “Don’t men need spas too?” See really gorgeous guy. Some other guy comes up and talks to him. Then I run into big woman I used to work with. She’s chatting away about nothing in particular. I’m not sure I want to continue chatting with hier. We’re near Pacific Ocean.

May 1, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more Dick. Walk home via Monterey Blvd. Pass Lues on the way. He’s outside G.P.M. picking up litter. Stop by Jun’s salon. Talk with him a while. He has an assistant who is cutting someone’s hair while Jun is sitting at his desk. Jun is trying to convince me that his assistant is a better hair dresser than he is. So on my way out, I ask his assistant, “Are you a better hair dresser than he (Jun) is?” The assistant pauses for a few moments and then smiles and says, “Yes.” (*Relates to hawk and crows from hier, I think.) Attend online dream group in p.m. I share my 2nd dream of April 24 with them (Anne B., Mark B., HughJohn, Hanz B., Julia Y.-M.). Later in the p.m. I kind of feel like I’ve betrayed my father. Even later than that, I start choking with no apparent cause . (*Relates to dream of April 30?)

May 1 dream:  Competing with girl to get info and tickets to something. She’s also being attacked from behind. I think she’s also grabbing my balls. [I have ball pain.]

May 1 dream:  Go to S.F. Bay town parklet. Go to small synagogue. Mayor Newsom is there plus others. Me and Elaine Benis (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) and other person join them.

May 1 dream:  My roommate packing a suitcase getting ready to go somewhere. I ask her if there’s something happening today. I see that he has taken up the carpet on his side of the apartment. I think of doing the same. See some cockroaches on my side on my rug. Try to kill them bus miss.

April 30, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and walk to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Read more Dick. As I get up from my seat, notice hawk and a few crows flying towards my window. Walk thru G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Debit card fails again. Jeff nearby. IKEA sent me second rug. I called them up and they said I could keep it. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Our nation is being led by an immature provocateur. Conclusion:  In Truth Nation, Truth is the only provocateur.

April 30 dream:  My job at work was to find all citations whether v. or vs. or versus. Later find out that I am fired. My woman boss says I was fired ’cause I was too nice. I get witness to hear her say that. Doing some AIDS research on the side.

April 29, 2025:  Rug finally arrives. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Read more Dick. Walk thru G.C.P to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Lay down new rug. It looks nice, I think. Did a little house cleaning as well. Finish True Detective #4 in p.m. Seems like a real man-hating story in the guise of being pro-woman.

April 29 dream:  I try to buy ticket to movie. I had seen the movie before. Usher said if I go in now I’d miss song everyone says is the highlight of the show. Usher has his head in the red metal counter. Later he is walking with me. When I stop, he stops. So we go up to my room together. He is shirtless and cute. I ask his name. He says, “Beuman.” My stepparents (my father and my stepmother) are in my room. We’ll see what happens.

April 28, 2025:  Realize smiling, scary man in my second dream of April 25 is my father. Stay in ’til 5ish, waiting for IKEA rug. It never came. Get email saying they will deliver it tomorrow. Walk up to Mt. Davidson. Then to Starbucks Portola. Young blond-haired boy smiles at me as I enter. I order my drink and sit down near him. The drink is horrible and they close in a few minutes, so I decide to leave. As I leave, I talk to boy who is sitting at table by himself. (I think his parents are sitting at table near him.) I ask him if the book he is reading is a good book. He says, “Yes, it is.” I ask him what the title is. He shows me the cover. It’s something about magic. I give him a thumbs up and exit. (*Relates to hawks from hier, I think.) #36 to F.H. L to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Meet Gavin, attractive, long-haired baristo who is trying to get into gaming. K home. Young girl smiles at me as we cross street together. PG&E blackout from 10:30 to 11:15 p.m. or so. Then again around midnight. Just the local area, I think.

April 28 dream:  There’s been a “horny” murder on campus, not a “crappy” murder.

April 28 dream:  See Latino gay guy I hadn’t seen in years. He looked good. I travel to part of city I never thought was safe before to wait for bus.

April 28 dream:  Big woman movie star stands in front of food stand. Someone said Trump would eat here.

April 27, 2025:  Jerk off in a.m. In ’til 3ish. K and walk to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Check in DVD with Sarah. Walk to G.C.P. Take shits at R.C. Walk thru G.C.P. See hawk who approaches me. Later see hawk being chased by two crow. Later still hawk circles alone above me. Go to M.S. See Angel. Check out with Will, new worker there who goes to CCSF and wants to transfer to UCLA. Go to burrito place. #43 to F.H. K home.

April 27 dream:  Meet Barbra Streisand’s daughter. She mentions having gone to Yale. I tell her I’m working on a book. She did a review of “The Prince was Murdered,” a movie her mother was in. It was her first review.

April 26, 2025:  in ’til 3ish. Walk and #49 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Read more Dick (Philip K. Dick) It’s beginning to rain, so I take #36 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole assisting. Today my debit card works. Cole disappears.

April 26 dream:  After long line, there’s not many Jewish pastries left.

April 26 dream:  Getting ready to give Advance Seminar class.

April 26 dream:  Trying to explain to John F. about party event.

April 26 dream:: See really good-looking guy, dirty blond in pink pants and white shirt, who I know. Go to resto. Wait in line to order blueberry pancakes.

April 25, 2025:  in ’til 3ish. Beautiful guy who I locked into on Ocean near Brighton. He was walking with a friend and continued listening to his friend as he acknowledged me. #49 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Scan The Decline of the West by Spengler which is really about the decline and fall of democracy. Walk outside library. #35 bus rolls around the corner. So I hop on to go to Castro. Stop in at 440 Castro. Greeter at doorway very friendly. Go to urinal. Feel happy afterwards. Walk up 18th Street to Diamond Heights Blvd. #52 to .F.H. K home.

April 25 dream: Automated cart out of support.

April 25 dream:  I’m back at work. Shorter guy wants to rendezvous with me. I tell my boas, “I was sick. Now I’m back. Give me a chance.”

April 25 dream:  Late for food line. I’m with Beth Kuper(?) When we get there at 1 p.m., they’re out of food so they start cooking more.

April 24, 2025:  Anonymous calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Read more Philip K. Dick. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. See same smiling black guy I saw on March 26. He smiles at me as I’m thinking about moving to East Bay. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. My debit card doesn’t work there again so I use my credit card. Jeff there as well. Drop and break coffee cup in p.m.

April 24 dream:  On overhead L, our friend Mitchell (who I thought at first was Michelle) is walking on the ground. We’re trying to get him on board the Muni train, but he said his friend just died and it’s raining and there is no stop. We travel over a river. Suddenly I’m standing over open air and I try to glide back to my seat.

April 24 dream:  Trying to find disbarred part of my psyche. He knows about my father coming on to me sexually as a child. At end of “movie,” guy’s face appears upside down, then right side up. Then he smiles evilly. He has a scraggly beard.

April 24 dream:  Get my Indian name: “Dances between the wolves.”

April 24 dream:  Hanging out at School for Kids in England. The ocean there looks like the ocean in Hawaii.

April 24 dream:  Barry Bram says he’s going to transfer to School District. I tell him, “I want to go with you.”

April 23, 2025:  Anonymous caller says nothing. I say, “Fuck you. Fuck you very much.” In ’til 3ish. Run to catch #29. Driver says, “You made it” over the PA system. And J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Joke with Sarah about taking up whittling after seeing book on that subject. Walk to G.C.P. Shits at R.C. Walk to M.S. Talk with Derek. He says he’s been sick. I say, “I hope you feel better.” He says, “You, too.” #36 to F.H. K home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: If I dissociate from myself, other people will dissociate from me Conclusion:  I, the Universal I, am always comfortable in my own skin, however that might manifest.

April 23 dream:  Recording lessons 5 to 2.

April 23 dream:  Starting to set up website for Occupy Santa Paula. Someone brings donuts. Someone else talks about getting a burger.

April 23 dream:  Trying to find more copies of the gay handout long sheet. Guy asks me, “Is it gay friendly?” As if to say, “Are you friend or foe?”

April 23 dream:  March in Mexican parade down street. I’m helping to hold the flag. We stop at store. Tom C. there. We talk briefly. He says to me, “You’re really in party mode” ’cause I’m so laid back. I think Thane was at the party last night.

April 23 dream:  Grocery store turned into mostly pinball machines.

April 22, 2025:  Call from “officer” asking if I’m expecting packages from Mexico. (*Relates to lizard from April 19, I think.) In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Black guy from April 7 there, too. Go to library. Listen to Amazing Grace and Bohemian Rhapsody on YouTube. Get very tearful. On exiting, smile at Sarah through tears in my eyes. Walk thru G.C.P. Strange but sexy guy checks me out. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. Gorgeous young guy on indoor bench. I stand near him for a few moments. No reaction. K home. Sit across from beautiful young man who also does not react. Call IKEA in p.m. They’re going to try again on Monday, but will call me before attempting delivery.

April 22 dream:  At fancy place for dinner. I talk about documentary I saw which said Robert McNamara wanted to be Attorney General so they made him one. Laurie there. She wouldn’t believe me.

April 22 dream:  I’m late for work. My pants need hemming. I left my briefcase somewhere. And it started to rain and I have no umbrella. Back home, woman has moved into my room. So it’s crowded.

April 21, 2025:  Get call from Morgan Stanley but no message. J.P. Morgan was the sponsor of the Healthcare Conference in San Francisco in January. Our posting info about this conference on OccupySF.net was the apparent reason the website was taken down for 15 days. In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Then walk to G.C.P. See ‘Jump” on sidewalk. Shits at R.C. Young kids on peak of hill yell down, “Have you seen little green men?” I try to take photo of them. My camera jams. The kids say, “That’s not cool.” They wave. I wave. Walk to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. See cute guy. He cruises me. Then pretends he didn’t. (*Relates to hawk and crows from hier, I think.) We start talking. And he remembers we’ve met before. His name is Christian. Last time I saw him was on January 7 of this year. We talk ’til he exits at Jules. Go to W.F. Check out with Jeff. Hear “Ft. Collins” in p.m.

April 21 dream:  Thane at retreat. I say hello as I walk by. He’s with one of his older, rich, gay friends.

April 21 dream:  Someone wants to show me how much chocolate I’m drinking, so they take away my drink.

April 21 dream:  Get-together of gays at someone’s home. Later two of them drop by my place with suitcase.

April 21 dream:  Decide to go to (and probably speak at) Assembly. Take off my shirt. My penis keeps slipping out of my boxers.

April 20, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Different guy with bouquet of flowers today. Owner at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library briefly. Walk thru G.C.P. See hawk chased by two crows. Go to M.S. Smile at Angel. Check out with Ben. I say, “Did you trade in your Tesla?” He says, “I never bought one.” I say, “That’s probably wise.” #44 to F.H. with large Italian tourist group. K home. Same loud woman on K again. Same woman as many times before. May have been a sign to move to a different part of the train. Realize in p.m. that my severe back pain probably relates to crisis we’ve been having with our web hosting company. Decide to keep apology to viewers up on website for 15 days, the number of days our website was down. Great YT video about “Occult Elvis.” Emotion I allow myself: Feeling helpless.

April 20 dream:  See photo opportunity. Trying to find my camera. Try looking for it in the dark. Then go outside to newly constructed neighborhood. Start dancing, moving my arms and.jumping up and down. Then others join me. Then lots of people join me. It feels like we stopped a war or something. Muddy water splashes in from the bay Abandoned jet fighter plane with wings up and graffiti on it. I think, “This would make a wonderful movie.”

April 19, 2025:  OccupySF.net is back up! For now. In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Guy with bouquet of flowers at J stop. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Start The Man in the High Castle by Philip K. Dick. Notice cute, happy guy in library. I walk by him a few times. As the library closes, I walk past him again and we connect briefly. See Miles on my way out. Walk to G.C.P and on to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. Young guy at F.H. walks through fare gate. I say, “How did you do that?” He says, “It’s free ’cause I’m a student.” K home. Loud, mean homeless guy on K. He exits with me after big Latino guy confronts him. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Allen nearby.

April 19 dream:  Tom C. has a baby.

April 19 dream:  Riding thru alley. The brakes on my vehicle don’t work very well. Someone tells me I could be best friends with really gorgeous guys.

April 18, 2025:  Get anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “John?” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Pretty girl smiles at me unexpectedly at C.B. Go to library. Almost finish Joe Campbell book. Walk thru G.C.P. See what looks like snake. It is motionless. Then it moves and I see that it is a lizard. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Young woman worker there smiles at me as if I’m checking her out.

April 18 dream:  At Sci Fi bookstore. Five of us there.

April 18 dream:  Did counseling session for two black guys. As I’m leaving, black woman and son come in. Then other people. Apparently we are having class tonight.

April 18 dream:  Book titled “Fathers and Sons Together.” I think, “Maybe I should read that next.”

April 18 dream:  UPS driver with exceptionally cute assistant.

April 18 dream:  Guy kneeling down as if he’s asking someone to marry him.

April 17, 2025:  Get anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “Is this one of those burner phones?’ Caller hangs up. Email from Emeryville one bedroom apt. says he wants to get an application out to me right away. In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Lues and owner at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Joe Campbell. Some really good lines like this quote from William Blake, speaking of a change in consciousness: “This will come to pass by an improvement of sensual enjoyment.” Then he talks about the “doors of perception.” Walk thru G.C.P. to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. K home.

April 17 dream:  Talking to hefty older man (think Orson Wells) who tells me about his ornate place. We go to balcony of his auditorium looking down on three big, buxom women looking up to me to take their photo. I am afraid of falling overboard. They seem really at home. Feels like a cult.

April 17 dream:  I ask guy: “Is he to me?” He smiles.

April 16, 2025:  Get anonymous call. Caller says nohting.  I say, “Wanna fuck?” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Cute guy on J. I sit across from him. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Smelly homeless guy at C.B. Older guy at C.B. asks me if I’m a poet. He says I look like a poet he knows. Go to library. Read from Joe Campbell’s The Inner Reaches of Outer Space. Walk thru G.C.P. On Amber Drive, I pass old guy on crutches He says, “I wish I could walk as fast as you.” I say,” Maybe, one day.” He looks away. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: For somebody who can’t walk without crutches, to be able to walk normally would be an unlikely miracle. Conclusion: Truth being sure-footed, miracles are always likely.

April 16 dream:  Step-family cleaning house. Harriet asks me to clean something which was already clean.

April 16 dream:  Bob M. says he doesn’t like Thane ’cause of the way Pat Hartman treated him (Bob). I say, “There are not different levels in the school. We are all equal and we all need to use the tools (RHS and Translation) equally. Someone nearby nods in agreement.

April 16 dream:  The Prosperos about to do big heist.

April 16 dream:  At Prosperos meeting, I pass out Prosperos newsletters to everyone. Later John H. joins us. He kisses girl hello. I stand kind of frozen. Man says to me, “What are you doing?” I say, “Right. What am I doing?”

April 16 dream:  Go to resto with friend. Gay guy talks about his unhip outfit. He says Japanese tourists in Marin don’t think he’s from S.F. Man has some food for him. I didn’t feel like I could eat any more.

April 15, 2025:  Call John F. to get access to web hosting company for OccupySF.net. Work on 1028 Market BMR application. Go to Java Hut while waiting for docs to be scanned. In ’til 4ish. Take K to Castro. Go to Peet’s. Then go to Eureka library. Only seat available is next to smelly, probably schizophrenic, homeless guy. So I take it. Walk up 18th Street to Woodside Avenue, avoiding 440 Castro. On Portola, I walk past five or so guys working on car with open hood. I have strong urge to go over and get fucked by them. #52 to F.H. Loud white girls at Woodside and F.H. K home. Go to W.F.

April 14, 2025:  Anonymous calls. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Finish Witchcraft. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Check out with Ayden (Lowell H.S. senior). Derek nearby says of me, “You gotta watch out for him.” I ask Ayden if he’s decided between UC Irvine and Cal Poly. He says, “UC Irvine.” I ask him what he’s going to study. He says, “Healthcare.” I say, “So you’ll decide whether to vaccinate or not.” Derek says, “See, I told ya.” Walk to F.H. K home. Get feeling to go to back of train. Sit down. Don’t see anyone interesting. I return to my seat. Guy I passed over the first time looks up and kind of smiles with his eyes. Go to W.F. Check out with old Asian guy and Jeff. Watch Season 2 of IShite Lotus in p.m.  I identify with hooker trying to get away from her pimp.

April 14 dream:  Get lost in Berkeley. I’m inside long tunnel. Then I go out of tunnel. Surrounded by mounds of dirt. The dirt is so loose, I can’t get to the top.. See two kids. Guy and his younger sister, I guess. I yell for help. Guy says something about getting some rope. I get out my ID and say, “I’ve got a better idea” and I wake up.

April 14 dream:  Getting ready to give class.

April 13, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. Am ready to walk out the door. Start to feel “shitty.” Take shits, shower. Leave home a little late. K and walk to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Too late for library. Give return book to Librarian No. 1 as he’s shutting the door. Walk to G.C.P. to Woodside. (Maybe hawk today as well as hier.) #36 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Asian guy with wonderful ass, leaning up against his shopping cart, showing it off. I follow him ’til he catches up with his girlfriend. Check out with old Asian guy. I Translate in my head. Conclusion: Oneness is all that can be communicated. My debit card works today. Bad pelvic pain today. Maybe pelvic pain (or pain in the side) relates to the idea of moving to a new apartment.

April 13 dream:  Quit work on newspaper. Walk thru scary block in black area of city, headed downtown.

April 13 dream:  Go up steep hill to meet Rush Binker (nee Ruth Hill). See Livia Malanaphy first. She’s really happy to see me. I have letter for Ruth, but I need to get her address. As I reach top of hill, guy takes photo of me with telephoto lens. I smile

April 13 dream:  Big bowl of salad ingredients.

April 13 dream:  Getting ready to give workshop.

April 13 dream:  Preparing for some presentation with others. Girl/guy I like tries to take a nap but couldn’t ’cause of her roommate. I take off my jacket to see if something was spilled on my back. There’s writing of some sort. I think gal thinks I’m taking off my jacket so she can wear it. 

April 12, 2025:  Get email that I am being considered for apartment at building I admired hier. Translation first step word: pure. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. At Balboa Station, thinking about all the changes of address I’d have to make if I moved, guy smiles at me. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Miles reading book about fascist fashion in Mussolini’s Italy. I joke: “We better get ready.” Read more from Witchcraft. Walk thru G.C.P. See hawk from a distance. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Become Facebook friends with Donovan. Insight: Am I being a traitor to my father for telling the family secret?

April 12 dream:  After Prosperos Assembly, go to N.Y. I confront girl who was making a pest of herself. Wonder how Thane does it all the time. I say, “Central Park is one block that way.” Guy I met and liked sees me and approaches me. He asks if I want to get a cup of coffee. I say, ‘Yes.”

April 12 dream:  Woman sings off key. No one tells her. Off stage she says, “Now I’m going to sing for you.” I tell woman who directed the show how great it was. (And it was.)

April 12 dream:  Two astrology groups. One cheerful. One dour. I’m in the dour group.

April 12 dream:  Sudden downpour. My camera is caught in the overflowing pool. I fish it out. Get in back seat with two loud black girls.

April 11, 2025:  Rommel from Avalon office sends me an email indicating that I’m wrong and I’m stupid and if it wasn’t his job, he’d have nothing to do with me. (Or, that may have been my father.) I feel bad all day. See silverfish on my wall. Then see Facebook post from stepsister Nancy which is really pretty nice. I comment, “Nice.” In ’til 3ish. Take K to Embarcadero to see 45-foot tall statue of nude woman and take photos. Take F to Castro. Pass new apartment building on Market which looks pretty nice. Also see The Function Comedy Club and Cocktail Lounge, which is also new. When I get off F at Church Street, realize my glasses are gone from my left pocket. Either they fell out or they were taken by woman sitting next to me. Either way, I never use them. Go to Peet’s on Market. My barista friend there. Go to Eureka library. Read more from Witchcraft. (Avoid 440 Castro.) Walk up 18th Street to M.S. Check out with Ed. Go to CVS. Cute guy who ignored me on February 15, unlocked the toothpaste area for me. He tries to avoid connecting with me again. At checkout station, my debit card doesn’t work again I use my credit card. Strange but cute guy hanging out outside CVS. Watch Vienna Blood in p.m. It ends with guy practicing black magic on his enemy.

April 11 dream:  Looking into fire. Take a break. Woman is into me. I’m with Fire Department.

April 11 dream:  Trying to cut and paste something.

April 11 dream:  Conference on Asiatic. Someone says, “Do you know what it is? Is it stepping out of time?”

April 11 dream:  When young man comes to my door, I want to make it beautiful, not furtive.

April 11 dream:  Call Prosperos home. Accidentally ask for Bill Fennie when I wanted to speak to Michael Kelly. Later I’m working on a talk.

April 10, 2025:  Get anonymous call in a.m. I say, “Too late.” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Talk to guy reading book called Alice. He’s not very responsive. Go to library. Walk to G.C.P. Then to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. My Clipper card doesn’t work. I wonder if that means I should take the bus instead of the train. I go outside. Get on #43 bus which Is waiting there. I sit in back. Nobody of interest to me. As I exit, I check out cute guy near exit. As I step down, I look back and he’s connecting with me. Go to W.F. Check out with Jeff. Cole is standing behind him looking hot. My debit card is rejected, so I use my credit card. Is this some sort of message like the Clipper card was earlier?

April 10 dream:  Stepsister Laurie stops by. I make bed for her. I planned on going downtown for New Years celebration, but it’s way past midnight.

April 10 dream:  At work. Lots of pearls. A list. 51st state. (h.o.)

April 10 dream:  Swarm of ants in my waste paper baskets.

April 10 dream:  Go to church. Visiting church comes in and sort of takes over. Heather part of overtaking church. 

April 10 dream:  When I arrive at party, almost everyone is gone. Just Bill F. and a few others. I get in fight with guy in his underwear.

April 9, 2025:  Anonymous calls in a.m. Talk with John F. We try to figure out how to change domain name servers on Hostinger as they recommended. We get farther than ever, but not quite far enough. I post this update on BlueSky, Facebook and SF Chronicle: “In January of this year OccupySF.net posted info about the JPMorgan Healthcare Conference (United Healthcare, etc.) in San Francisco. On April 4, we were taken off the web by our hosting company Hostinger.com because we posted this info. Our website is still down.” In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Witchcraft. Walk up #52 route. Then switch to G.C.P. Walk to Woodside #44 to F.H. Talk with skateboarder. He says they’ve made some new skateboard ramps near Ocean Beach. I say that they’ve also made some at Civic Center. He seemed really surprised to be talking with me. Insight: Realize that when Thane said years ago, that some children might be seductive beyond their years, that he may have been talking about me in regards to my father. So it may have been me who naively initiated my sexual abuse by him. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: The unconscious mind sometimes guards its secrets very carefully. Conclusion: It is an inescapable fact that there is no unconscious consciousness. Watching Chicago P.D last night, character says, “You raped me. I was 9 years old.”

April 9 dream:  See beautiful pastel-colored houses on steps in San Francisco. Go back to get my camera. Three cute little blond boys. One grabs onto me. His mother pries him away. When I return to steps they are gone. Two big concrete blocks. Lots of construction. I’m late for work.

April 9 dream:  Get call that someone has stolen my credit card.

April  8, 2025:  Lots of anonymous calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. On Ocean Avenue, I get anonymous call. I say, “I’m so glad you called. What’s up?” Caller says nothing. #49 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Older man smiles at me as I enter cafe. Go to library. Tell Sarah I liked her video. Read more from Witchcraft. See “wall of fire” in my mind as I’m reading. Take BART to IKEA downtown. Follow cute guy to Powell Street. He pulls down his shirt to cover his butt. Go to IKEA. Buy rug. Walk to Castro Street. Get in coughing fit about half way. Stop in Market Street W.F. to drink water and take pee. Go to Castro. Don’t go to 440 Castro. Take K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Johnny. My debit card is rejected.

April 8 dream:  At woman’s house with her parents. She is reading a book about gradations of Pisces giving a party. I like her. (h.o.)

April 8 dream:  Someone applying for a job in medicine.

April 8 dream:  Toilet water rising. Then I flush it. It starts raining warm water in the restroom. William F. and somebody taller comes in.

April 7, 2025:  Notice that email I sent hier about Hostinger suspension of OccupySF.net website was accidentally sent to John A instead of John F. So I send a new email direct to Hostinger. Here it is: “I am the co-editor of OccupySF.net. I am the person who posted information about the J.P. Morgan Heallhcare Conference in San Francisco in January 2025.This information was publicly available and is not in violation of  any terms of service.Please do not threaten us with suspension for informing the public about events of interest to our community..We can always take our business elsewhere, and if you do not unsuspend us, we will be forced to take our business elsewhere.“ In ’til 2ish. Mail taxes. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Sit next to nice-looking black guy. He goes to restroom, leaving his laptop on the table. When he gets back, I say, “You are very trusting.” Later when I go to restroom, I leave my camera on the table. I say, “Do you think it will be safe?” He says, “I won’t let anybody take it.” Go to library. Read from Witchcraft and the Gay Counter Culture by Arthur Evans. Watch Hectorine by Sarah, Librarian No. 4,  on YouTube. It’s really good. Nice chat with Miles. I kind of twirl around as I leave. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. K home. Run into Alex (Alexandra) on K train. We talk about our cameras. I show her some of my pictures. She shows me pictures of some of her sculptures.

April 7 dream:  Dream of story in magazine about … (h.o.)

April 7 dream:  Talk of moving to new place, but I don’t believe it.

April 7 dream:  Trying to get info list for Mitch for Sunday Meeting, even though I’m no longer involved with them. Piece of paper falls. Woman picks it up. I say, “That’s mine.” She says, “I know” and puts it in her pocket. I grab it out.

April 6, 2025:  Get up early. Write email to John F. re Hostinger suspending our website. [On April 7, realize I sent email accidentally to John A. instead of John F.] Start taxes. In ’til 3ish. Walk and j to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library briefly. Talk with Librarian No. 4 [whose name I find out on April 7 is Sarah] on exiting library. She has a zither with her. She’s in a band called Hectorine. I tell her I will listen to her on YouTube. Walk thru G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. Three young skateboarders. Two of them start what looks like a real fist fight, but apparently they’re just playing. #44 to F.H. K home. Finish taxes.

April 6 dream:  I’m teaching a Sunday School class. Nobody’s much interested in listening to me.

April 6 dream:  I’m a soldier. I think, “I could have been an officer.” I wade thru creek. Walk up new path

April 5, 2025:  In ’til noonish. Take K to Civic Center. Big “Hands Off! demonstration there. Lots of people with gray hair. Make brief contact with beautiful young woman with kind eyes. She looks kind of like cousin Leigh, but she’s wearing a mask so it’s hard to tell. Walk up Market to Peet’s in the Castro. Then go to Eureka library. Finish Devil. I think I’ll walk up 18th Street rather than go to 440 Castro. Guy smiles at me unexpectedly as I think this. Have a profound moment of remembrance of John II. Walk all the way to M.S. Derek at checkout station. I pass him up in favor of Ed. Then Derek gets very excited seeing me. Then I fall in love with him again. Go to burrito place. John F. calls telling me that the web host for OccupySF.net suspended our website because we posted information about the time and location of the J.P. Morgan Healthcare Conference in SF in January of this year. I’m thinking maybe it’s about time to wrap it up with OccupySF.net. #43 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. See Cole and Jeff. Check out with Jeff. Insight: Realize back pain from hier probably relates to website crisis.

April 5 dream:  Woman ex-lover is racing with me. We arrive at work. All something has been cancelled.

April 5 dream:  Show one of my co-workers picture of Michael Jorgensen who she knew. Touch foreheads with two cute guys and give them food implements.

April 4, 2025:  OccupySF.net website is down. Spend much of the day trying to fix it. Anonymous call in a.m. Caller says nothing. I say, “You’ve got to talk.” Feel sharp pain in my back. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Make mental health appointment at VA. Woman sounds mean and angry (and Black). Go to library. Read more from Devil. Nice connection with Robert on way out. Walk to G.C.P. Shits at R.C. Walk to Glenview. #52 to F.H. K home. Sense of fear approaching my apartment building. Then loud Black woman passes me walking down the stairs as I walk up.

April 4 dream:  Trying to outreach people at grand estate. Cookies microwaved. There’s something wrong with them. “Now it’s your problem.”

April 3, 2025:  In ’til 1:30ish. #29 and #38 to VA. Cute young guy in back seat of #29 smiles self-consciously as I get on. Nice visit at Neurology Dept. I tell her, “I wish you were my primary.” She’s going to give me some medication for my body pains. And also maybe set some therapy appointments. Also talk to anonymous caller who didn’t want to talk to me. Go to La Promenade Cafe. Walk thru G.G.P. to Sunset library. Read from The Devil. #43 home. Two insights: My father could have drugged me with something which would account for my bad memory. Also, lady cop on True Detective said of her childhood abuse, “I was proud that he thought I was pretty.” I felt the same way.

April 3 dream:  Thane in room. Others, too. He talks to me. He says, “Who’s going to lead us to a new age?” I say, ‘You are. And have.” Thane says, “You can. You.”

April 3 dream:  Guy and his girlfriend spy on 835 Turk building. They get caught. Girl comes out. Guy says, “I was just waiting for my girlfriend.”

April 3 dream:  Order fish sandwich. Waitress or cook there says they don’t have it. I say, “It’s on the menu.” She goes on to describe how hard it is to catch that kind of fish.

April 2, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Finish American. Walk to G.C.P. It’s cold so I try to stay in the sun. Suddenly, runner appears before me. He is young, shirtless and runs past me to apparently check out big teddy bear in enclosed porch nearby on Chenery. He smiles at me slyly. He looks to be about 18. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.). Later in the block run into another too young man looking really handsome inside and out. Walk to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. K home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: a) I don’t remember trauma from my past. b) My nerves are hyper-vigilant. c) My partner feels scorned. Conclusion: Infinite Mind knows all and forgets nothing. Insight: Learn that black magic comes from necromancy or (death magic) and needle also mean to provoke.

April 2 dream:  Three of us ate a lot and went to bed.

April 2 dream:  Going to rent home for four months.

April 1, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from American. Ask Librarians No. 4 about books on witchcraft. She tries to help me. Walk to G.C.P. Shits at R.C. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. See Noah and his wife but don’t connect. Check out in automated area. Get help from Allen. Then my debit card is declined. So I go to regular checkout  counter and use my credit card. Insight: I may have mentioned this before, but the terror I felt in my merging with John at Unitarian Church in January of ’87 may relate to the kind of body pains I’m experiencing now. Trying to find Gary Tombleson’s email, find out that he has died. No anonymous calls today.

April 1 dream:  Racing two others guys downstairs to get to laundry room first.

April 1 dream:  Discover lots of dead and some alive cockroaches under my bed.

April 1 dream:  I’m talking to John. I say, “You and I need to talk.” He’s rubbing his fingers. He says, “I feel all tingly.”

April 1 dream:  Run into Betty Cuff again. She’s moving to new city. I say, “I’ve been to your home at least once.” She says, “You’ve been seven or eight times.”

April 1 dream:  Lining up to make my name change to Mike Zonta permanent. Also to get married. Laurie asks, “Are you sure?” I say, “Sort of.” She looks kind of mean and not very pretty.

April 1 dream:  Going to early a.m. lecture. Beautiful day. Large auditorium. Donovan (super) leaves with long ladder. Then I’m in small cafe drinking milk, about to listen to lecture.

March 31, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Also Tristan. RHSing my father: I got him to admit (in my mind) that he sexually abused me. And he apologizes. Go to library. Read more from American. Connect with Miles as I leave library. I say, “See you, Miles.” He’s looking at his phone and I catch him off guard. (*Relates to shits from hier. Also hawk from hier, I think.) Walk thru G.C.P. on lower level. #52 to F.H. K home. Finally figure out how to order chicken curry correctly. (Order rice on the side.) Insight: I say, “Let there be Me! And there is Me!” Insight: God is sex-positive.

March 31 dream:  See “Reggie” from Farmers Insurance Warehouse, my first real job, at parking garage. Then Michael K. and I see each other. We are trying to meet up. The garage is big.

March 31 dream:  Filling out form with guy. Next time I will fill out form myself.

March 31 dream:  Betty Cuff talks about her two children. I thought she had at least three.

March 30, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Mark asks for my website addresses. Go to library briefly. Walk to and thru G.C.P. Take shits at R.C. Loud bird cries and hawk as I exit park. (*Relates to Miles on March 31, I think.) Walk to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. In p.m, I say, “Let there be trust. And there is Truth!” Insight: Am I experiencing pain ’cause I think I deserve pain? Or ’cause I need to blame me so I won’t lose him (my father).

March 30 dream:  Arriving at airport with all our files. Ricardo, who married Liz Taylor, is in Nicaragua looking for things for Liz.

March 30 dream:  028. I say, “I don’t know what that means.” 

March 29, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from American. Nice chat with Miles about the horror book he is reading (where humans are now used for food). Walk to and thru G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. Nice guy at G.C.P. smiles at me. #52 to F.H. K home. Beautiful blond guy on K who I sit across from. Handsome dark-haired guy as I exit K. Look up “victim.’ It comes from ancient word meaning religious sacrifice. Start feeling sorry for John.

March 29 dream:  In Chicago park, trying to schedule a talk, I think. (h.o.)

March 29 dream:  Watching guy play from the ’70s. Big crowd outdoors. Sitting with two others. One said she was in the play in the ’70s. She played the part of Reed. I say, “I wouldn’t want to go back to the ’70s. It was rough. You had to stand alone.”

March 29 dream:  Give $5 to someone I met. We spent time talking here. He comes up to me and talks after.

March 29 dream:  Visit from an E.T.?

March 28, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Read more from American. Walk up #52 route. Realize body pain is coming from John. As I walk up Diamond Street, I think perhaps I should try to love him. Old woman sitting on steps says, “Steep hill.” I nod in agreement. Continue up Diamond Street. As I’m thinking, “My body pains have been John all along,” young black guy smiles at me. As I’m thinking, “Is he using black magic on me?” effeminate young woman smiles at me. (*Relates to atomic bomb dream of March 23?) Go to M.S. Check out with Allen. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. He has on T-shirt which says, “Good to be no one and nothing at all.” I may have gotten that wrong. Big earthquake in Myanmar.

March 28 dream:  Two or three rows set up. Old part thrown out. (h.o.)

March 28 dream:  May have swallowed some acid.

March 28 dream:  $21 million.

March 28 dream:  At small gathering, I ask Andy Broda if he wrapped my present for somebody else. He kind of pulls on table and says, “I don’t know.” Lots of dead cockroaches on shelf.

March 28 dream:  Nice chat with my stepmother Harriet. I tell her she ought to explore the neighborhood. I accidentally touch her breast. I say, with tongue in cheek, “Of course, you’d have to be a senior citizen.”

March 27, 2025:  At about 3:30 a.m. feel someone above me, touching me while I sleep. I think it’s Lucille, John’s late mother, who is comforting me for what her son is about to do. This happened once before on September 28, 2021. Go out on my balcony to water dying plant. Little bird singing at me from the tree. Then he flies to balcony next to mine and continues to sing. I go in to get my camera to take a photo, so she flies away. In ’til 3ish. Take K to Church for dental appointment. Dental Assistant tells me her hands and feet are swollen due to her pregnancy. Go to Peet’s afterwards. Same barista as on March 25. But she’s more aloof today. Go to library. Read more from American. Decide not to pop into 440 Castro. Get gut pain immediately after. Walk down Noe Street to 18th Street so I can avoid John. Just like I walked around block to avoid Fred C. on February 27. Walk up 18th Street to Market to M.S. Homeless guy raises his arms in celebration as I enter M.S. Check out with Lowell H.S. student from March 18. He told me Berkeley and UCLA rejected him, but he has been accepted by Cal Poly SLO and UC Irvine. Ft. Collins mentioned in p.m. It feels like John is over. He represented my father for me. I was willing to put up with anything from my father ’cause I could see no other option. 

March 27 dream:  Stocks split. People who had 200 shares now have 300 shares. I go into room with a bowl of cracked egg shells.

March 27 dream:  Doing the dishes right away. Don’t know if I’ll have enough room.

March 27 dream:  Am supposed to take a plane to Bakersfield(?) in North Africa to join the Army. Meet shirtless guy who looks like Jonathan F. I caress his stomach. Then meet woman on path. We’re lost. I take road to my left instead of straight ahead. Wonder if I still have time to get out of Army. I’ve lost my ticket and my ID. Woman says, “Michael, you’ve lost the ability to laugh.”

March 26, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to to G.P. Cute black guy on #29 quickly looks away when I look at him. Lues at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Look up “holding somebody’s feet to the fire.” It came from the time when witches and others’ feet were held to the fire with the assumption that God would save the innocent. Quora says: “In medieval Europe, trial by ordeal (also known as Judicious Dei) was a trial based on the premise that God would help the innocent by performing a miracle and save the accused.” Talk to older man at C.B. who is reading a book about the intelligence of chickens. Go to library. Read more from American. Keep nodding off. Have short dream about me and John getting together at Unitarian Church in January of ’87. Walk up #52 route all the way to F.H. Stay on south side of Portola Drive to run into black guy who gave me lascivious look. I think it was in recognition of my daydream of me and John. K home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Until  a trauma is remembered, it cannot be healed. Conclusion: Happy wholeness is always happening. Watching Chicago P.D. In p.m. Partners are talking to each other about the loss of a child. I hear myself say: “I can’t talk about it.”

March 26 dream:  Become famous for my crossword puzzle doing: Get Kobis.

March 26 dream:  Take off for weekend. Don’t tell parents where I am. On second day, feel I must call them. I don’t think they really care anyway.

March 25, 2025:  Rough nite last nite. Do online work. Jerk off. Take nap ’til 3ish. Take sudden shits before leaving house. Take K to Castro. Pop into 440 Castro. Buy Chron at W.G. Across the street, see book titled Survival is Guaranteed. Go to Peet’s on Market. Nice barista makes me feel like a man. We touch fingers as she gives me my drink. Go to library. Read more from American. Walk up Market to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home.

March 25 dream:  Riding in bus with big front windows. Shirtless guy outside washes the right side of the window while the bus is running. It’s cold outside and windows are fogged up. We’re driving thru suburban neighborhood.

March 24, 2025:  Jumping with happiness in kitchen in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. See long-haired h.s. senior on J. I first met him on December 9, 2024. He may study architecture abroad in England or Germany, he says. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read about Frances Wright in American. Walk to G.C.P. Hope that some hawk or coyote will show up. Then fly or something flew into my left ear. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #36 to F.H. K home. Nasty neighbor fight on floor below me. Insight: Tom and I should confront Dad without stepmother or stepsisters around. Tom still had faith in our parents. I had lost it long ago.

March 24 dream:  Making my bed at guy’s place. He really wasn’t happy to put us up.

March 24 dream:  See Tom sitting at table. Then once he turns into someone else, the other disappears. Go out to beach to check it out. I forgot my camera. I ask guy how to get back. He says we’re on Detroit Street.

March 24 dream:  Coming back from trip.

March 23, 2025:  In ’til 1ish. I leave home. Then have to take shits. So I come back and take shits. #49 to Kilowatt bar at 16th and Valencia to hear Donovan (from my building) and his band. When I get there, he’s outside. He says they won’t be on ’til 4:00. So I walk on to the Castro. Gay guy on street calls me “Sir.” I feel bad about that. Pop into 440 Castro. #35 to G.P. Feel betrayed by John, my father and God. Mark at C.B. Bench at C.B. collapses with a couple sitting on it. Nobody injured. Go to library. Librarian No. 4 tells me she’s reading an epistolary book (People writing letters to each other.) Walk to G.C.P. and then to M.S. Check out with Ed. Go to burrito place. #43 home. Listening to YT about chakras in p.m., Richard Jelusich says problems with second chakra (pelvic area) can relate to abandonment, abuse, abundance, creativity and so forth. Insight: During ’89 “reunion” with my father, why did he surround himself with my stepmother and two stepsisters? I think he was using them as protection.

March 23 dream:  Helping little girl in hospital chew something with her teeth and do something with her fingers. (h.o.)

March 23 dream:  See woman and her tall shadow.

March 23 dream:  See Enola Gay plane about to drop atom bomb.

March 23 dream:  Rape in Okinawa.

March 23 dream:  Train engine headed towards me.

March 23 dream:  Carol Carter

March 23 dream:  J. Edgar Hoover

March 23 dream:  Dad locking B__ B__ back in his room.

March 23 dream:  One of the group says it shouldn’t be up to us three all the time. Just then Bill L. comes thru the door to join us. I say, “Is there anything else you wanted?”

March 22, 2025:  Anonymous call just before setting out. Made me feel better. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. march 22Lues at G.P.M. (“Ma-lie-tea-tays-ta” means “I’m fine” in Nepali, I think.) Willow at C.B. I look up “tongue condom” as a lark. It’s a real thing. Go to library. Read more from American. Exiting library, share quote from Stendhal, who he had been reading. Stendhal said of Lafayette that Lafayette was not overburdened with intelligence and was unashamedly known for fumbling with young women’s plackets. Walk to G.C.P. See hetero couple. Guy with baby on his back. I say, “You’ve got something on your back.” He says, “Yeah and the doctor says I won’t be able to remove it for 18 years.” I laugh. Meet friendly young photographer on exiting G.C.P. Walk all the way to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Sweet young guy smiles at me as he awaits his pizza. Check out with Jeff again.

March 22 dream:  Story about marriage as an aberration. Story about marriage takes up all of newspaper.

March 22 dream:  At work with two others transcribing something for 8 hours. Then all week. Woman offers me slice of salami.

March 22 dream:  Can’t find my time slip. Find paymaster who is also selling something on the side at Cafe Linda. I don’t want to stop work. I just want to find out how much more there is.

March 21, 2025:  In ’til 1:30ish. #29 and #38 to VA. Stand behind really cute, short Asian guy on #29. He gets off st SF State. Pick up new pair of shoes at VA. As I leave, friendly black woman there says, “Don’t worry.” Why would I worry about my shoes? I think somehow she was picking up on what’s going on with my body. Go to La Promenade Cafe. Then walk thru G.G.P. Go to Sunset Branch Library. Read more from American. Walk to 9th Avenue. Catch #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Can’t find anything I want. Translate in my head. See checkout guy whose name I didn’t get on February 22. So I buy chocolate croissant and check out with him. He shows me his name tag. It’s impossible to read. He tells me his name is Jeff. When I get my receipt, I say, “Thanks, Jeff.” (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.)

March 21 dream:  See big red slabs of myself (my ego) that I can laugh off ’cause they are not really part of me. (h.o.)

March 21 dream:  Back from daylong boat ride. I never got a chance to drive the motorboat. It was just the two of us in the motorboat. Coming back to S.F., we drive up steep hill. I say, “We’re home.” Then we’re in L.A. I think maybe I should move back to L.A.

March 20, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from American. Young h.s. girl, dressed provocatively, sits next to me. Later her mother stops by. Walk up #52 route. Hawk flies directly in front of me. A few crows follow after. Walk to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to back of train to check out guy who walked by earlier. He smiles. Go to W.F. Meet 2nd floor neighbor. He’s nice. Recording my dream of February 19: There’s a snake inside me trying to kill me. I think that’s my internalized father (or John).

March 20 dream:  Somebody being made ill by another person’s psyche. At the academy.

March 20 dream:  People sitting in chairs individually designed for them. Great artist comes in a flash with one of us. She has a baby in a chair. Father says, “Now I’m angry at the baby.” Two guys working together on writing proposal. Others had been dismissed.

March 19, 2025:  #49 to 936 Geary Street to see studio apartments there. One is for $1,595 per month. The other $1,700 per month. Both are okay, but not great and certainly not affordable. Get butterflies in my stomach as I approach Geary Street where John lives. Walk around Polk Street. Go to Peet’s on Van Ness. Friendly 86-year-old guy tells me he lives at 1390 Market, the Fox Plaza apartments. Years ago I had a dream that I would end up living there, so I decide to take self-tour. As I enter elevator, see beautiful black guy in white T-shirt. Look at beautiful apartment with amazing view. One bedroom is over $3,000 per month. On way down meet pizza guy who tells me I could find a gem of an apartment in the Corbett Avenue neighborhood. As I arrive at ground floor, see beautiful black guy again. I don’t know what to do so I say, “Hello.” He ignores me. Walk up Market Street to Eureka library. Read more from American. Walk to Castro. Nice looking but unwashed homeless guy reaches out his hand to me. He says, “I’m Emmanuel.” I shake his hand., (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) I pop into 440 Castro. Don’t go to urinal ’cause I don’t have to. Walk to M.S. on 18th Street. They have Thai noodles!!! I buy three containers. Walk up Corbett Avenue just in case there are some “for rent” signs in the windows. Step into M.S. on Portola Drive. No Thai noodles there still. See Derek at checkout station. #44 to F.H. K home. Order chicken curry again. Find out Emmanuel means “God with us.” Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: If the king is corrupt, the kingdom is corrupted. Conclusion: Knowing is the only king and health its inevitable kingdom.

March 19 dream:  Our guide says that if you want to lose six pounds, save your energy (your sex energy). I say, “Don’t you mean ‘Use your energy’?”

March 19 dream:  Cousin Leigh accuses me of being antisemitic ’cause I’m wearing an Islamic charm on my neck. Later find out that Heather is there. Another group follows.

March 18, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Tip robber comes in for second day in a row. Go to library. Read more form American. Hold door open as Miles brings in library street sign. Walk to G.C.P. Take shits at R.C. Go to M.S. Talk briefly with Ben. Check out with new guy, senior at Lowell H.S. #36 to F.H. K home. Sit across from two Asian guys. Connect with one. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) As he exits, I check out his V.P.L. (visible panty line) through his pants. Very hot.

March 18 dream:  Someone comes up to me and starts kissing me. I don’t know who it is. Find out it’s a black guy.

March 17, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lues at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Get anonymous call. I say, “What do you want?” Caller hangs up. Read more from American. #35 rolls around the corner. I pass. Walk to G.C.P. Take shits at R.C. Go to M.S. Still no Thai noodles. Salesgirl says they prioritized corn beef and cabbage for St. Patrick’s Day. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. See Johnny. Get call from John A. in p.m. He tells me about Prosperos student who had neuropathy so bad he had to be hospitalized and have some of his toes removed. Made me mad. Later realize that maybe if I talked to my father by himself not surrounded by the protection provided by my stepmother and my two stepsisters, we might get somewhere.

March 17 dream:  Take four donuts to boy (who I like) and his father. They are in the pool. When I get down there, it’s no longer in my hands.

March 17 dream:  I’m in NY with family and friends. It’s late but it’s still light outside. I say, “Why doesn’t it ever get dark here?” I cover my eyes and go to sleep on the floor.

March 17 dream:  Someone (me?) preparing Thanksgiving meal.

March 17 dream:  Start doing nixies for Democratic Party with one of its leaders as she said I had promised to. (h.o.)

March 17 dream:  Calvin walks out of room in a huff. I tell him he ought to “split it.” Meaning sit down and don’t let your emotions overwhelm you. He says, “It’s difficult.” I say, “Of course it is.” Heather there, too. Later Calvin asks if he can do any publicity for me. I remember I have an upcoming play. Need to find out what it is.

March 17 dream:  As a narcissist, it’s difficult to talk about narcissism.

March 17 dream:  My roommate makes the apartment a mess. I’m mad at him. I leave for event. He meets up with Patrice Rohmer. They’ll be coming too.

March 16, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. K and #49 and J to G.P. Nepali friend at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Read more from American. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. No Thai noodles again today. #44 to F.H. #43 home. As I exit #43, young guy waiting to board says to me, “Do you want to take my picture?” I say, “Sure.’ I take his picture. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Listen to Lisa Smartt on YT in p.m. She says people who are dying often feel the presence of crowds of people around. Reminds me of my second dream of March 13.

March 16 dream:  Female Indian (from India) doctor dies.

March 16 dream:  Grandma Smith speaks at store event. She’s looking dapper in a beach dress, standing on at least one stool.

March 15, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. See “Astound.” Nepali friend and owner at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Also cute Japanese(?) guy. He looks for bathroom key. I show it to him. Go to library. Nice talk with Miles about book he’s reading, a horror novel about humans as food, and the book I’m reading. Read more from American. Keep falling asleep. Have dream that even though I think I’m dying, I’m actually getting married. Feel “shitty.” Take #44 to M.S. Take shits there. Look for Thai noodles again. None there today either. Walk home via Mt. Davidson. Took CalmPro5 at C.B. and it made things worse. Will stop taking it.

March 15 dream:  The clock says. Time for you and I In bed. Time to read.

March 15 dream:  Staying overnight at Judy Dench’s place. One of Judy’s lower legs is swollen. I’m really tired. I fall asleep on the couch. Then God looks very attractive and nice. Judy keeps talking and I have to walk away.

March 14, 2025:  Get email asking if I’m still interested in an apartment at 936 Geary. I reply that I am. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Nepali friend at G.P.M. Mark (and Willow) at C.B. Sit next to cute young Asian guy. Make connection of some sort. Go to library. Start American Metaphysical Religion by Ronnie Pontiac. Was going to just skim through it, but it got very interesting. Talking about Native Americans today. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. Check to see if they have Thai noodles today. They don’t. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with “Trump is a liar” girl from December 15, 2024. Get home. Realize I still need lettuce for my salad so I go back downstairs to W.F. and check out with same girl.

March 14 dream:  3:30 appointment. Strong heart beat.

March 14 dream:  Getting together with printer to update flyer. His nasty boyfriend stands by. I make appointment to see him again tomorrow a.m.

March 13, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to S.J. Avenue. Cute Asian guy smiles at me on 280 bridge. J to G.P. Nepali friend at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Finish Final Choice. Walk to G.C.P. to M.S. Check out with Ben. Since he’s a computer programming student, I joke that maybe he’ll be one of Musk’s boys. #52 to F.H. K home. I catch myself laughing at fat girl who boards K. Go to Taishan resto for chicken curry. It’s okay, but not as good as March 8.

March 13 dream:  Wounded guy wants me to take him to hospital. His roommate thinks he’s faking it for the drama. That he likes to create chaos.

March 13 dream:  Guy comes up to me. I cut in line behind him. He says, “Don’t cut in line.” Then he says to woman, “When he comes up to you, annoy him.” Loud epic music in background. Lots of people there. I have trouble knowing who to turn to. I know many.

March 12, 2025:  Get up late. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk in rain to San Jose Avenue. J to G.P. Nepali friend at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Final Choice. As I exit library, my camera starts making funny noises. I think it got caught in the rain. Walk up #52 route to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. K home. Order curry chicken from Taishan resto by phone. It’s ready when I arrive but not as good as last time. Translate in p..m. Sense testimony: I am in a disharmonious relationship with my upstairs neighbor and with my camera. Conclusion: Truth is one heart in love with Itself.

March 12 dream:  Start to throw up in middle of dream. I know it’s not from this dream but the dream before.

March 12 dream:  Repeat dream of cult. No matter what I do, it turns out bad. (*Relates to my stepfamily?)

March 12 dream:  New swimming pool. Odd feeling?

March 11, 2025:  Fire alarm testing from 9:30 to 10:30 a.m. Take nap after I finish my online work. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Owner and my Nepali friend at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Sit next to guy reading F.I.R.E. (Financial Independence: Retire Early) book. Read more from Final Choice. He’s talking about having a mass near-death experience. Walk up #52 route. Think about guy from Euphoria tied to tree with his pants down, surrounded by giggling girls. Gets me excited. Get anonymous call. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Johnny there. Also Virginia.

March 11 dream:  Bought present for someone. Mirror with picture in it. Someone else bought the same picture. I help my friend’s present by tearing undergarment of dress. I think that’s probably not what my friend wanted me to do. But she hasn’t noticed yet.

March 11 dream:  In office with Mr. Davidson. We’re trying to get child on phone. He calls but doesn’t say anything. I go to Mr. Davidson’s boss. I think it’s a government office.

March 10, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. K and #49 and J to G.P. Owner at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. John A. calls. Go to library. Read more from Final Choice. Walk thru G.C.P. Have shits at R.C. Walk to Woodside Avenue. I’m thinking of my father and how scared of him I must have been. Scary black guy at bus stop. When I board #44, he’s gone. I think he’s a tulpa of my father. #44 to F.H. K home. Remember time young guy I met on Geary Street came over to my apartment and after he left (without having sex), I stood shaking for several minutes. Took shower to calm down. It was another example of my internalized father’s continued dominance over me. And that memory also relates to the scary black tulpa I saw earlier at Woodside Avenue Muni stop, I think.

March 10 dream:  Aunt JoAnne and Uncle Larry and their kids Leigh and Jeff come to visit me and my stepsisters Nancy and Laurie. Someone says how neat my room is. I say, “I’ve been doing a little tidying up.” JoAnne goes through some photos with me. Some of Larry gong back to his Army days. (h.o.)

March 10 dream:  Writing on shoe. Writing on pie.

March 10 dream:  Emailing myself video of my father’s abuse of me.

March 9, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Owner at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Looking at hot shirtless guy on YT, feel woman looking at me. I kind of blush, but decide to continue looking at guy on YT. (*Probably relates to memories of my relationship with my stepmother Harriet.) Go to library briefly. Walk to and thru G.C.P. to Hernandez Avenue. #52 to F.H. K home.

March 9 dream:  Start new job as caretaker of home. I’m outside on the grounds. It’s snowy. I’m in a small tunnel. I hear the noise of an animal. Sounds like a dog. Try to figure out how I’m going to get out of the tunnel.

March 9 dream:  Preparing menu at dark place. I’m working on a vegetarian dish.

March 9 dream:  Someone listing all the bad people for a note. (h.o.)

March 8, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Nepali friend at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Casually check out hot guy. He unexpectedly smiles on way out. Check out second hot guy wearing black short shorts. He smiles as well, showing off his sweet dimples. Go to library. Sit across from interesting (not necessarily cute) guy. Read more from Final Choice. He’s talking about near death experiences. As I exit, #35 rounds the corner. Follow cute guy I sort of cruised onto bus. Later he gets off and checks his phone. I think he’s on a Grindr date. I go to 440 Club in the Castro. One catch in my throat on way. One catch in my throat at urinal. Exit club. Walk down Castro. Cute guy comes out of pizza shop and walks up Castro. I follow him. Then he comes out of deli, and I turn around and follow him down Castro. As I pass 440 Club, cute young worker there appears in doorway and smiles at me. I smile back and twirl around. I walk up 18th Street all the way to F.H. Talk with school-aged kid with soccer ball. He tells me he’s going to Beach Chalet to play soccer at night. I say, “That sounds like fun.” K home. Cute short guy on K. Insight: Remembering the ecstatic joy and abject terror of my mind meld with John at Unitarian Church in January 1987, I realized where the terror came from. The pattern started on the day after my first kiss with Kathy Warfield, when my father beat me with the back of his hand as I rode with him to his workplace. That set the stage for the time I kissed Cree (“the most beautiful man in the room” at Laguna Beach LSD party in ’69 and then sat on the couch shaking for minutes. Then for the first time today I realized where the terror part of my mind meld with John came from: that my father was going to kill me! It sounds obvious now that I mention it, but today was the first time I made that connection. On arriving home, decide to go to new Chinese resto which I read had been robbed recently. They were very friendly and very busy. I ordered chicken curry to go. It was excellent. Best yet in my neighborhood Or maybe ever.

March 8 dream:  I interrupt end of company call. I say, “Nice ideas. What are they?”

March 7, 2025:  Slept straight thru last nite. Wake up. Call credit union to cancel today’s appointment to open a CD. (I’m worried Social Security may not show up on time.) As I try to go back to sleep, get two successive anonymous phone calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Nepali friend at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Take first CalmPro5 pills today. Seems to be working. Go to library. Read more from Final Choice. Really enjoying it. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Trip on sidewalk and almost fall. Check out with “Haircut Ed.” Cruise guy’s legs as I exit store. Turns out to be Derek. He smiles. #36 to F.H. Help lost woman find her way downtown. K home.

March 7 dream:  Big explosion or firecracker (in my head or outside) wakes me up.

March 7 dream:  Looking thru portable mockup. Not sure what I’m supposed to be looking for. Guy and gal teaching me. One says I should buy a modern hearing aid.

March 7 dream:  “You could be so good, good…” Someone named Dione.

March 6, 2025:  In ’til 2ish. Walk to June’s for haircut. Good time. He got new chairs. He offered me one of his old ones. He told me he would call me about driving it over to my place. Walk to G.P. Nepali friend at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Beautiful man with foot on table. I say, “You look very relaxed.” He says, “I’m getting a lot of work done.” I say, “That’s good.” Read more from Final Choice. I keep falling asleep. It’s very cold outside so I take #35 to Diamond Heights Blvd. Walk a bit and take #52 to F.H. I’m thinking, “Whatever is going on within my body is not structural. My father or my internalized father is trying to kill me ’cause I’m becoming free of him. Or at least that’s the way it feels.” As I think this, woman smiles at me. K home.

March 5, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Nepali friend at G.P.M. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Start Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler. Start The Final Choice: Death or Transcendence. It’s really cold outside so I take #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Myrna again. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Neuropathology is the body’s way of saying, “You’re getting on my nerves.” Conclusion: Truth is an infinite nervous system sensing  Itself as unlimited Good.

March 5 dream:  Run into Thane, Al H. and Patrice Rohmer at hotel I’m working at. I’m on a break. I’m carrying a big table umbrella. They stand to greet me. I buy brownie. Then remember I had already bought a brownie.

March 5 dream:  Go to resto. Try to find restroom. It’s supposed to be in Room 215. I finally end up on ride. which travels around the campus.  Feels like a bumper car. End up in Room 217.

March 5 dream:  Lots of naked and near naked young guys. I feel out of place since I have clothes on.

March 4, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. G.P.M. owner wants to find apartment nearby. I like him, too. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Finish Gurdjieff book. Scan through Anais Nin book. Walk up #52 route. Then double back to take shits at R.C. Walk lower level of G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Handsome biracial man on K. I sit near him and admire him. Later two Asian friends and Latino get on together. We all exit at Lee. I wait with them for #29. Latino guy and one Asian get on #29. Other Asian guy was waiting with his friend, like me. Go to W.F. Check out with Myrna, really friendly black lady who tells me about some of her adventures as a flight attendant from Alaska to eastern Russia.

March 4 dream:  Am moving out of the house. Hugh Grant on beautiful magazine cover.

March 4 dream:  Woman showing me file to show me how to vote right.

March 4 dream:  Women in circle saying how much they love women. Heather there. I say how much I love men. They’re not happy. Woman comes up to me afterwards and asks what part of Somalia did I go to. I say, “Rashid.”

March 3, 2025:  Call my bank. They tell me I don’t need to do anything with my direct deposits or automatic payment. Makes me feel a lot better. Call credit union to make appointment to buy CD. Feel good about that, too. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Follow cute guy down sidewalk. He doubles back and smiles at me. Nepali friend at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Gurdjieff book. Walk up #52 route. Wonder if John is feeling comparable body pains. Then see “Think Bigger” at local free library kiosk. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. See “1111” in p.m.

March 3 dream:  Guy’s police partner is giving birth.

March 3 dream:  Streetcar runs into man’s car. Start of long movie.

March 3 dream:  Ask stepmother Harriet is she wants a class list. Then try to remember who all was there. About 14 or 15 people.

March 3 dream:  Go to my old office to my bathroom. It is now Nancy Pelosi’s office. No bathroom. Two little while dogs there. One “shallows” the other up to its neck. One turns into a basketball when it’s scared. I wonder when I’ll see John again. Possibly in a few days.

March 2, 2025:  Jerk off in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Two kids get off J with me at G.P. Nepali friend at G.P.M. Mark at C.B. Talk with tech guy. Af first, he takes up two tables. Then when it gets more crowded, he gives up one of his tables. Later I lend him my pen which he never returns. Go to library. As I enter library, the two kids from earlier are leaving. Read more from Gurdjieff. Connection with Librarians No. 4 and 6. Walk to and thru G.C.P. Go to Safeway Diamond Heights. Check out with cute biracial guy with earphone partially over his ears. I say, “Do they let you listen to music?” He says, “Sometimes.” #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. See Johnny. Check out with Cole. Order CalmPro5 from Amazon. Insight: Covid vaccine betrayal (I got the shot, then heard it might be dangerous) caused body pains. My bank sending me email saying that because of their merger, I will need to re-enter my various direct deposits and my automatic rental payment. That outraged me and aggravated my body pains as well. But I think the whole pattern began with my father betraying me when he sexually abused me back in the ’50s.

March 2 dream:  Packing up and getting ready to leave place.

March 2 dream:  Want to try out for announcer job at KTVU.

March 2 dream:  Follow guy on bike. Don’t know where’s he’s headed. Finally arrive at UC in Santa Cruz.

March 1, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Meet Matthew waiting for J at Santa Ynez. We talk about photography. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Nepali friend at G.P.M. (Glen Park Market). Willow at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Gurdjieff book. Walk to and thru G.C.P. I pass “crazy” man yelling in Spanish. Starts raining. Go to M.S. Check out with Ben. Nice to see him again. He’s very kind, as usual. #44 to F.H. K home.

March 1 dream:  Shirtless well-built homeless guy allows himself to be pantsed and spanked spread eagle over hood of car.

February 28, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Hawk at Diamond and Bosworth. Willow at C.B. Cutish guy comes in. I get up to stand behind him. When he gets his drink, he starts wiping the side of his paper cup. I say, “Is it leaking?” He says, “You have to have patience.” Which really had nothing to do with what he was doing or what I asked him. Later I decide that’s he’s probably a tulpa. Go to library. Read more from Gurdjieff book. He dies in ’49. Walk to and thru G.C.P. Looking back at cute runner in the dark. See shadow of what looks like a seagull. Walk to Woodside Avenue. Skip going to M.S. ’cause it’s “No Spend Day.” #44 to F.H. Nice girl smiles at me as I exit. K home. Shits in p.m.

February 28 dream:  Hard-on dream.

February 28 dream:  My mother tells me, “You did good.”

February 27, 2025:  In ’til 12:30 p.m. #29 and #38 to VA for podiatry appointment. On #29 I sit in front of hot guy whose legs bump into me twice. I get excited. He smiles to himself on exiting. After VA, go to La Promenade Cafe. Sit across from cute guy who is non-responsive. As I exit I check out other guy. Third guy sees me checking him out and smiles. Walk thru G.C.P. While I’m on path I’d never seen before, get anonymous call. Caller didn’t speak. Walk to Irving Street. Run into man who runs Gateway Croissants at Larkin and Golden Gate. I used to admire him daily when I worked across the street for many years. He recognized me and I him after a while. Walk to 9th Street. See Fred outside cafe talking with his gang. Really don’t want to see him so I walk around the block and wait for either #44 or #43 at 9th and Judah. See cute Asian guy. He runs his hand through his hair. Buttons and unbuttons his shirt. He checks out bus parked there. I say, “What number is it?” He says, “It says it’s a 66, but I’m not sure.” I let several buses go by., When he finally gets on #66, I do too. Then I get off two stops later. As I exit, I hurt my thumb and look back at guy as if to say, “That hurt!” Take #43 home. Go to W.F. Take 3-1/2 hour nap.

February 27 dream:  Take shit. Suddenly crowded around by girls and women. One woman I fall in love with. (h.o.)

February 26, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more form Gurdjieff book. Walk up #52 route. Hear coyotes. Walk to Woodside Avenue. Dog barking and alarm going off at Woodside stop. #44 to F.H. Cute little interracial boy bumps into me at F.H. K home. Shits on getting home. Realize my body pains are probably my father trying to kill me. Or at least my childhood belief that my father is trying to kill me. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Some parents would rather kill their children than see them grow. Conclusion: Truth parents Itself unceasingly.

Febraury 26 dream:  Update list with new info.

February 26 dream:  I’m all packed and ready for taxi to take me to my ship. Line of others is really long. I decide to join them. Saying good-bye to guy friend who’s also leaving. Then hug stepsister Nancy. Wish her well on her new home in Atherton. Others still inside home. We’re on our way to Copenhagen, Denmark, I guess.

February 26 dream:  Am waiting for bus. See Marcie Nelson. Yell out to her. It turns out not to be her. Karen Porter stops by in little car. I tell her I’m waiting for the bus with all my luggage. Finally I wheel myself in my wheelchair to downtown L.A. Go to movie theater. Nothing there. Try to find Union Station.

February 25, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and walk to G.P. Willow at C.B. Mark sick. Go to library. Connect with Miles about book I’m checking out by Anaïs Nin. Read more from Gurdjieff book. Take elevator as I exit with mentally challenged kid. As we reach ground floor, he falls to his knees, almost like genuflecting. Then he sees Miles and says, “Are you open?” Miles says, “No, we’re not.” Miles doesn’t have much patience with this kid who was just being playful, I think. Walk up #52 route Shits in p.m.

February 25 dream:  Hanging out in my garage, several young guys (street kids?) coming and going. J. was there earlier. One of the guys says he saw me at Sizzler. Then he complained about how long they take., (h.o.)

February 25 dream:  My wallet, ID gone.

February 24, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Justin at C.B. Later Tristan comes in. Go to library. Miles pretends not to love me. Read more from Gurdjieff book. On exiting library, it’s sort of raining so I look for the soonest bus out of G.P. It’s a #35. So I take it to the Castro. Stop by 440 Club. Go to urinal. Feel bouncy happy on leaving. It’s stopped raining, but I take K home anyway. Watch Unit One in p.m. Hear the lines: “Will it ever stop?” “It will.” Psycho in program has IQ of 156, my IQ from back in the ’60s.

February 24 dream:  I stand in line behind attractive woman. She’s buying a book by Karl Popper. I say, “Oh, he’s great.” And I pick up the book. Then replace it when she has to buy it.

February 24 dream:  Laying next to woman friend of mine. She’s naked and she’s fat, but I still want to fuck her. I talk about movie I am writing where Jesus is a woman.

February 24 dream:  Am in my new apartment. Trying to make sure gas in oven is off. Man appears who looks like he would know how to check it. I ask him and he says, “Yeah, it’s off.” I’m still thinking of my idea to make Jesus a woman.

February 23, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Gurdjieff book. Read about the circle dance of Jesus and his apostles. Walk to G.C.P. Talk with woman with binoculars about rare bird she has spotted. Walk to M.S. Check out with Derek. He’s not showing his name tag. I joke, “So people won’t hit on you.” He says, “If I want to be hit on I’ll go to the Castro.” Or at least I think that’s what he said to me. (*Relates to shits from hier? Also to mouse from hier?) #44 to F.H. K home. Violent argument from neighbors in p.m.

February 23 dream:  Start new job.

February 23 dream:  As we leave house, man stops me so we can hear music from there.

February 22, 2025:  Jerk off in a.m. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Gurdjieff book. Find out Gurdjieff had a brother named Dimitri. Connect with Miles. Walk to G.C.P. R.C. closed. Feel kind of “shitty.” Man with tripod in G.C.P. Looking for coyotes? Realize my body pains may be me getting down on myself for not being perfect. (I am from God, after all.) See mouse rush into hole as I exit G.C.P. Walk to F.H. #43 home. Rush home to take shits. Go to W.F. Check out with sweet guy whose name I didn’t catch. Pass Johnny on way out. He’s motioning to somebody across the room. Synchronistic moment: Watch Bright Star movie about John Keats early in a.m. on February 23. Keats died on February 23. (*Relates to phantom I saw hier in G.C.P.?) Also his fiancée hyperventilates when she hears of his death. Just as I did in memory of my mother’s murder.

February 22 dream:  Someone asks me to put in changes. I don’t know how. Other guy says I should take it home and do it there.

February 21, 2025:  Body pains relate to my internalized father trying to kill me? In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Gurdjieff book. Connect with Robert and Librarian No. 4. Walk to and thru G.C.P. Hear coyotes. Stop on stairs to take pee. It was dark and I see a dark figure behind me. I walk on a bit. Then wait for person to pass me. The figure has disappeared. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home.

February 21 dream:  I go to fetch V.P. to speak at event. He’s holding an animal. He gives me the animal to hold. I don’t even know what it is at first. It’s very dark. Later I see that it’s a puppy and we sort of fall in love

February 21 dream:  Guy tells me, “Only 39 miles to go.” I’m walking thru G.G.P. on way home.

February 21 dream:  Outside tall building and big Chinese. Three of us drinking something. My drink has worm in it. I don’t drink the worm.

February 21 dream:  Go to cafe. Try to listen to music with earphones. Waitress says it can’t be done. I ask about Jane Kennedy who used to work there. Waitress says “Okay, you were seeing her.” Waitress has button nose with real large button at tip. I break up laughing at one point.

February 20, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Gurdjieff book. Walk up #52 route. Man across Diamond Street from me yells to me, “Have you been to Mangione’s restaurant?” I think he’s referring to Manzoni restaurant which he is standing in front of. I continue up #52 route to Glenview Drive. Take #52 to F.H. K home. Look up HN2 from second dream of hier. It’s a chemical used in anti-prostate cancer treatment. So is this a message from my unconscious that I should make an appointment with VA urology? I do that. Later realize that my HN2 dream and my dream of a snake trying to kill me from hier was probably my unconscious showing me how I felt when my father was raping me when I was 9-years-old. I had been asking my unconscious for more explicit memories of that event and what it came up with was how it felt: like my father was trying to kill me. Dream of snake laying next to me relates to my father laying next to me?

February 20 dream:  Trying to organize three sets of signs.

February 20 dream:  Travel by bus to East Bay. Trip costs $75. I can’t wait to get back to my job even though I don’t really know what I’m supposed to be doing most of the time. Or I don’t have that much to do. Woman driving crazily in her car as I look on from the bus. I try to point her out to other women standing next to me on the bus, but they don’t hear me.

February 19, 2025:  Michael K. sends me condescending email. Anonymous call in a.m. I say, “Hello.” I’m eating something. I say, “Sorry, I’m eating.” Caller hangs up. (*Relates to shits from hier a.m.?) In ‘ti 3ish. K and J to G.P. Very arrogant guy on J. Willow at C.B. Also Tristan. Young lady joins him later. Is he giving her violin lesson? Go to library. Read more from Gurdjieff book. Walk up #52 route lo M.S. Talk with Derek about his hair. Get in line behind sweet young guy. All he’s buying is a large bag of peanut M&M’s, I think. Woman at next station has no customers so calls one of us over. Young guy looks at me and says, “I’ve only got this,” indicating that I should probably go over. I smile and think, “I guess that’s all the time I have with him.” When I look aback at his line, he’s no longer there. (*Relates to second shits from hier, I think.) Walk out of M.S. in a sort of daze. Woman smiles at me. #36 to F.H. K home. Talk with Alice, crazy old woman artist who I’ve met a few times before on the K train. We talked about cameras. She’s got a Canon Powershot A710. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: My country is experiencing an administrative coup d’état.  Conclusion: Truth is the unitary executive in the one united state, the one united nation. Facebook comment to Kathy B. on AOC photo. I say, “I know I’m supposed to be gay, but she’s gorgeous.” Later Kathy gives me a heart emoji.

February 19 dream:  At fancy hotel venue commemorating somebody’s death.

February 19 dream:  HN2 [anti-cancer drug]

February 19 dream:  Must add some names to a team roster, but have to do it by slicing an opening on the wall of names. There are baseball players nearby?

February 19 dream:  Giant snake trying to kill me.

February 19 dream:  Scary movie. Close up of her child. Narrator says of woman, “She knows. She knows.”

February 18, 2025:  Shits in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and j to G.P. Hot guy checking himself out in Muni stop glass. I sit across from him. My friend at G.P. Market tells me “Ma-lie-teetsa” means “I’m fine” In Nepali. Mark at C.B. Later Tristan (from February 3) comes in. He’s reading The Dawn of Everything. Miles at library. On way out of library, feel pretty “shitty” so I run to catch #52 to F.H. Follow cute guy on board. We smile at each other. K home. Cute guy at W.P. station. I stand in train doorway to check him out. Later we see each other again thru train back window. Go to W.F. See Johnny without a mask on. I don’t recognize him at first. He’s very handsome. Check out with Darien. Very sweet as usual. Shits on getting home.

February 18 dream:  Go to 1st and Market Streets in S.F. Lots of construction. Used to be dangerous area. Card table set out where our “Starboard” office used to be. I think I’m going there for some supplies for a meeting.

February 18 dream:  Thinking of going out. But not sure where to go.

February 17, 2025:  Start to jerk off in a.m. Get anonymous call. I say hello. Caller hangs up. Go back to jerking off. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Camera store calls me up saying they have fixed my camera. I take #43 to Chestnut Street. Emotionally disturbed woman screaming and moaning on bus. See “Higher Consciousness” sign at Haight Street store. Pick up camera. Go to Peet’s. Try out camera on walk to Polk Street. The yellow light flashes and it takes 10 seconds for the shutter to work. I rush back to camera store but they closed an hour early doe to the holiday (President’s Day). Take #43 home. John-lookalike wearing shorts stands in front of me on a crowded bus. Later he sits down. Still trying to fix camera at home. Finally I find advise online which seems to have fixed the problem.

February 17 dream:  Three new lawyers at work join our table at resto. Leaving me to sit alone across from them.

February 17 dream:  Guy and gal enter store without pass for two days. On third day woman is there to check their passes. And they show her their monthly pass which they just bought. I am with them all three days.

February 16, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. Feel “shitty” just after leaving home. Walk around the block and come back home to take shits. K and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Connect with Librarian No. 4. We share books we are each reading. Walk thru G.C.P. to Portola shopping center, looking for Sunday Examiner. None there. Catch #43 home. Sit next to cute young long-haired blond skateboarder who shakes his long blond hair before exiting.

February 16 dream:  Competing in written test with my brother Tom. I’m ahead.

February 16 dream:  Try to see our boss, Mayor Brown. He’s not seeing anyone. Try to leave final draft and rewrite of our movie Pure White. Then my partner changes title to Pure Personality.

February 16 dream:  Getting ready to give 30 minute talk on SF?

February 15, 2025:  Sleep in late. Past noon. Walk to #43. Step in big pile of dog (I hope) shit. #43 to camera store on Chestnut Street. Nice pretty girl there smiles at me. Then backs off when I start talking to the managers. They say they will look at camera for a few days to see what is wrong with it. I walk to Polk Street and down Polk Street to Market Street. I run into tour group stopping in front of California Hall and talking about its importance in gay history. Take F to Castro. Go to Peet’s on upper Market. There is a long line in front with couples who want to have their pictures taken at nearby store. As guy leaves Peet’s he offers me seat in packed cafe. Go to Eureka library. Start reading Gurdjieff Reconsidered. It’s good. Feel bouncy happy on way to Castro Street. Take K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Darien who just got a haircut. Fire alarm in p.m.

February 15 dream:  Go off to find food. When I get back, well-built, middle-aged naked men are standing apart from each other. Someone says, “Now it’s your turn. And they lay me down. And my pants are already halfway off.

February 15 dream:  Old school teacher returns to school. Someone tells him, “You have no influence here.”

February 15 dream:  At work, dressed nicely, doing some of the dirtiest work, cleaning out oil tray before going on to my next job.

February 14, 2025:  Get call. I say, “Happy Valentine’s Day!” Caller says nothing. I say “What?!” as in “Why are you upset?”] Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Ask name of Nepali clerk at G.P. Market. Forget his response. Justin (owners’ son) at C.B. He studied AI in schuool. Also really cute young guy who I sit next to. As he leaves, I ask about “Ocean Beach” on his sweatshirt. He tells me it’s a family-style resto in S.F. He smiles. I blush. Go to library. Finish Eureka. Lots of loud kids. Walk up #52 route to M.S. My camera doesn’t work again. Yellow light flashes. Check out with Derek at M.S. He asks me to grab box of candy which is just out of his reach. I say, “Is it a Valentines gift?” He says, “Yes, but you have to buy it.” There was also another hot guy I try to connect with but miss. Greet “Haircut Ed.” Go to CVS. Cute guy avoids me. #43 home. Feel really bad about camera not working.

February 14 dream:  Even though this couple have lived on our property for a long time, we are taking it back.

February 14 dream:  Woman gives me check for $9,999.63 for renting her upstairs apartment. The bottom floor has all brown walls. The daughter later says, “Now you’re mine.” And I can’t find the check anymore. And I haven’t even seen the apartment yet.

February 14 dream:  About eleven homeless people make home in our office. Someone asks me to be nice when I get rid of them

February 13, 2025:  3.4 earthquake reported around noon near S.F. I didn’t feel it. Donovan and helper stop by to look at my washer/dryer. Donovan resets it again. (In p.m. I do a small load of clothes successfully.) In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Owner of G.P. Market tells me he is also Nepali. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Poe’s Eureka. Take shits before leaving. Still raining. I walk up #52 route to Gold Mine Drive. #52 to F.H. K home.

February 13 dream:  Hanging out on platform over lake. Plastic walls. People smoking dope. Finally I break through plastic wall. Wake up.

February 13 dream:  Knobster.

February 13 dream:  Mike Johnson is kidnapped inadvertently.

February 12, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and j to G.P. I almost fall on #29. Woman offers me a seat. I say, “Just one more stop. I’ll be okay.” She smiles. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read from Poe’s Eureka. It’s all about Truth and axions. It’s beginning to rain so I take #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Allen. Ask him about his possible promotion. Shits when I get home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Blood flow blockage in the leg can cause gangrene. Conclusion: Truth is irrefutable affluence of joy. While Translating, see photo of Josephine Baker in the dictionary. She upsets me for some reason. Later realize I’m mad at her ’cause she gets to do what I won’t allow myself to do: have fun being sexual. My face is red with embarrassment at being such an idiot. Then I remember that I really had a good reason to make that decision at one point ion my life. Thane used to say we make all kinds of commitments as children and then we have to live by them even though the underlying reasons are long gone and forgotten. Realizing all this was very “empowering.”

February 12 dream:  Getting ready to start my old job of calling people again.

February 12 dream:  Friends are going to open a record store. Hugh Grant and a few others are in “my” cafe. I tell him I love him. Ask him what he wants even though I don’t know him. I’m going to get it for him.

February 12 dream:  Guy almost drives car off balcony. Baby and mother. Baby smiles at me. He says, “You’re so funny.” I say, “So are you.” Baby says, “How can I be so funny when you’re so funny?”

February 11, 2025:  Go to camera store again via #43. Walk out of the house about noon. Back stairs blocked off with police tape. Go to elevator. Feel shits coming on even though I had just shat(?) Go back home. Take shits and shower. #43 to camera store. Guy there gives me new battery as opposed to the two 4-year-old batteries they gave me a few days ago. Go to Peet’s on Chestnut. Walk up to Polk Street and down Polk to Market. So happy my camera is working again. When I get home, the camera battery charger starts blinking red. Conflicting advise online. One guy says to unplug and replug the charger, which I do. And that works.

February 11 dream:  Friend gives me ride home. I say, “See you tomorrow.” He says, “I hope.” I’m in barracks. It’s cold. Guy nearby on cot has big, juicy cheeseburger next to him. I say, “Are you hungry?” (h.o.)

February 11 dream:  Sharing cookies (after mixing two different types) with friend who wanted me to know he was straight. He’s also friend of Tom C.

February 11 dream:  Girl I really loved and was attracted to and guy likewise. At party at work. Guy’s officer had picture of him on wall. Also TV.

February 11 dream:  I go outside. See black woman in white Southern hoop skirt. I want to take photo of her. Go back inside to get my camera. My manager has been in my apartment. One of my neighbors has a gun. Another cites three Supreme Court findings saying that you can just go in to somebody’s apartment without a warrant. Caley comes running back with a machine gun. He rushes upstairs in my apartment. I’m not feeling scared though everyone around me is and I think I probably should be. 

February 10, 2025:  Wake up early for me at about 9 a.m. In’ til 1 p.m. #29 and #38 to VA. Connect with two cute Asian high schoolers on #29. Dr. H says my toes have arthritis. He gets a little handsy, leaving his hand on my thigh for minutes while he talks to me. Walk thru G.G.P. Smiling runner, Go to La Promenade Cafe on Balboa Street. Drop my pen. It travels quite a ways away. Young woman next to me picks it up for me. We both laugh about how far it went. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) When I return from the restroom, she’s gone. Walk thru G.G.P. to 9th Avenue. Look inside Beanery to see if Fred C.’s inside. He is. With two friends. Take #44 to F.H. Camera stops working at F.H. K home.

February 10 nap dream:  Tom O. shows me bird in cage. I say, “I hope it lives.” On bus or plane here. I ask , “Was that a gift for me?” His friend says, ‘No.” I say, “Where is it?” His friend says, “In the bag.”

February 10 dream:  Take big bean-shaped object on my back to give back to original owner at ugly waterfront beach.

February 10 dream:  I tell young black actor, “That’s twice you’ve been stripped in two different shows.” He says, “That’s not your business.” I say, “You’re in my life so it’s my business.”

February 9, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go go library briefly. Read Mary Trump. Walk to G.C.P. Cute little boy on tricycle keeps smiling at me with his eyes. Suddenly feel “shitty” so take shits at R.C. Walk to M.S. Check out with “Haircut Ed.” Derek there but we don’t connect. Go to CVS. Go to burrito place. #43 to F.H. My camera battery dies again. I feel ripped off by camera store and work on that. K home. Young black guy opens apartment back door and holds it open for me. Midway up stairs, he stops. I pass him. Then look back. He’s still just standing there. Post “Blessed are the meek.” on the BB.” Here it is: “I think I know why Jesus said that (or is alleged to have said that, if you prefer). Because when you really start encountering Infinite Mind, you realize how meek you really are. And by realizing how meek we really are, we do inherit the world.”

February 8 dream:  Talk to Indian voter who voted and said it made him a better person.

February 8, 2025:  #29 and J to G.P.. Discover that my camera is broken just before I board J train. I decide to take J and #22 to my camera store on Chestnut Street. I buy new camera. (I bought my old camera there in 2018.) Only $282 or so. Go to Peet’s across the street. Meet cute, sweet guy waiting in line for restroom. Calvin calls while I’m there. Walk to Polk Street and down Polk Street to Market. Lot of night life at 6:30 p.m. or so on a Saturday night. Woman on wheelchair says she likes my “happy red pants.” End up near Orpheum Theatre on Market Street. Think I’ll take F train to Castro. Don’t really want to stop by 440 Club. Then hear man on street playing The Wizard of Oz’s “If I Only Had the Nerve.” So I take F to 440 Club. Cute young guy at door asks me for my ID. I joke with him a while. Go to urinal. Couple of catches in my throat. As I exit, talk with gatekeeper again. We are kind of flirting with each other. (*Relates to slip and fall from hier, I think.) Take K home. Clipper card won’t let me in at first. Then it relents. Go to W.F. See Johnny. See Allen. Check out with Darien. When I get home my door is slightly ajar.

February 8 dream:  There is a head table of dons, the heads of families.

February 8 dream:  Me and other guy try out for job I don’t really want. Get two $500 gift certificates.

February 8 dream:  Someone lets me take their puppy home with me

February 7, 2025:  Anonymous call in a.m. Caller says nothing. I say, “You gotta talk.” Caller hangs up. 3.7 earthquake at around 2 p.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Willow drops by. Go to library. Read more Mary Trump. Walk thru G.C.P. As I’m exiting park on the dark, muddy steps, I trip over fallen tree. Walk to F.H. K home. Go to W.F.

February 7 dream:  Lost (or forgot) keys to my place.

February 7 dream:  Three gay guys run away. I run into one of them who hasn’t eaten.

February 7 dream:  Am registering for day of class I missed. Meet to do reading assignment and get to know some cats.

February 7 dream:  Michael K. and I race to the elevator.

February 6, 2025:  Automated call refers to me as Michelle. So I redo my outgoing message to say, “If you have a message for Mike or Michelle, please leave a message.” (*Relates to coyote from hier, I think.) Insight: In redoing my outgoing message, I realized I was trying to cover up my arrogance instead of having fun with it. This was news to me. In ’til 3ish. Rainy day. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also Lee. Go to library. Read more Mary Trump. As I leave library, see book called Not Nice. It’s still raining slightly so I walk up Diamond to Arbor Street and catch #52 there to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Post “Psalms 37” on BB. Here’s my part: [Editor’s note: Had dream on the night of February 4, 2025 which simply stated: “Psalms 37.” -m.z.] 2/6/25: Body quakes like on February 3.

February 6 dream:  Follow Prosperos woman to her apartment building. When we get on elevator, she says, “I didn’t choose you. You chose me.” I say, “We have done it both ways.” Lots of new construction on the street which is not even paved yet. We sit on floor in elevator since the ceiling is so low.

February 6 dream:  At Prosperos gathering, Carol Carter says to me,”So?” I say, “So what?” She says, “Did you bring the book?” I say, “What book?” She says, “She.” I say, “Oh, yes. I have it at home. I’ll bring it tomorrow.”

February 5, 2025:  Donovan comes over to reset my washing machine. Go to VA for 1 p.m. appointment. Calvin calls while I’m on #29. After my ears are cleaned, go to La Promenade. Sit across form guy drawing with pen and ink from a photo of a nude man. I compliment him on his art. Walk thru G.G.P. to 9th Avenue. #44 to G.P. See big coyote on hillside. Young man standing next to me asks me about my photography (since I am always wearing my camera). We talk about photography, movies, comic books, Superman, and Jesus. C.B. looks really busy so I go directly to library. Keep falling asleep so I take #52 to F.H and K home. Go to W.F. Check out next to Allen. He’s talking with co-workers about the Super Bowl, I think. At 6:45 p.m. as I’m having dinner, my washing machine starts of its own accord even though it was turned off. I texted Donovan who said he’d replace it. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Sometimes I feel like a stranger in a stranger land. Conclusion: There is no deviation in Truth.

February 5 dream:  My father is in group of 58. I’m in group of 70 or so. My father re-enters. I follow him to make sure he gets some help.

February 5 dream:  I get up so woman speaker can sit near the stage. I left my jacket on the chair. When I go to get it, I am taking it off her. She is wearing cone-shaped “princess hat.”

February 5 dream:  Miss haircut. Walk thru the Fillmore. Run into Salvation Army-type band. David Letterman follows. I think he tells them to lay down with their feet in the air. I take photo of Dave and the band. Then run into Barney Frank. I tell him, “I admire your work.” He doubles back and comes up with some sort of idea.

February 4, 2025:  Donovan came over to fix bathroom fan noise. Donovan is so nice and a Pisces just like my father. I don’t want to do anything to upset him, to reveal his [my father’s] dark side. So I don’t tell him about my broken washing machine.. In ’til 3ish. Rainy day. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Miles is still reading Stendhal. I ask, “Have you started Proust yet?” He says, “Not yet. I’ll keep you informed.” Feels like a flirtation. (*I think this relates to friendly mouse from hier.) I feel so handsome afterwards. It’s very cold outside so I take #23 and walk home from Monterey Blvd. Shits when I get home. 4,500 hits to OccupySF.net ’cause I posted about the Feb. 5 anti-Trump demos in 50 states. Put in service request to fix washing machine in p.m.

February 4 dream:  At big convention, I drop some stamps. Girl kisses me. “Don’t open your mouth ’cause I don’t love you.” I say, “I know.” (h.o.)

February 4 dream:  Psalms 37.

February 3, 2025:  Wake up early having two sort of body quakes. Apartment seems to be vibrating due to some sort of mechanical source outside of the apartment, like it’s about to explode. There is a big noise as well. That feeling lasts all day. I go to W.F. two floors down and the noise is there as well as outside. But nobody else seems to notice it. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Meet Tristan. We talk for about an hour. Get anonymous call during our conversation, but I hang up immediately. Tristan is a violin/viola teacher but is also very well-read. We talk about writing mostly. He’s writing a fable. I’m trying to finish my autobiography. He recommends books by Calvino and Knausgaard, both of which I order from the library later. At library, talk to Miles about Proust. Later I watch YT of The Simpsons. Homer says, “I remember everything. I was abused by my Dad.” Walk up #52 route. See something on the ground. I think it is a leaf. After looking more carefully, realize it’s a brown mouse. He isn’t afraid. He hangs out for a while. Then walks away. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Walk to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Noise/vibration still happening. Submit request to office manager. 4,580 hits on OccupySF.net due to post about Feb. 5 anti-Trump demo in all 50 states.

February 3 dream:  Jean Evans tries to buy me dinner [like she used back in the late ’60s]. Place attire is suit and tie or a Masonic-like robe covering everything. I don’t want to do either. Then she’s climbing outside the building and I wake up.

February 3 dream:  Take trip out to East Bay with Carter and a fun little boy meets me there. We get along really well. Home we go to is owned by a Democrat who is also an addict or former addict. It overlooks East Bay hills. I think, “Why don’t I have a house like this?” Someone throws a baseball to me. I don’t catch it. I say, “I’m not very into baseball.”

February 2, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Go to library. They close at 5 p.m. Walk to G.C.P. Feel “shitty.” Take shits at R.C. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. Check out with Ben. (*Relates to shits of hier, I think.) We have nice talk. He’s very sweet. Joke with Derek on way out. #52 to F.H. Can’t take my eyes off young man’s chest as he kind of poses in front of me. I sit near him on K. After a while, we make a connection. K home.

February 2 dream:  Think I should stop writing my book. Navy Blue Angels there. (h.p.)

February 2 dream:  I’m home with my parents. They put flood lights in the backyard to prevent burglars. At end of episode, they show a hole in the ground under our backyard fence. And a guy looking up from the hole. Later, Lana, our neighbor who has a thing for me, comes into the house. I’m just getting up.

February 1, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Nepali friend at G.P. Market says “donde va” means “thank you” in Nepali. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Read more Mary Trump. Miles still reading Stendhal, he tells me on my way out. Walk up Diamond Street. Suddenly feel “shitty” so I take shits in the dark at open porta potty. Walk up to Addison Street. Take #52 to F.H. Cute guy gets off at Ulloa. Cute guy at F.H. tries to ignore me. K home.

February 1 dream:  Sending a note to Calvin on pink stationery. I fold letter so address is on inside. So I have to ask Calvin the address. It’s like 444th Street in L.A., also called Reed, CA. Also need address for Mr. Burns (from The Simpsons).

February 1 dream:  Am in little storefront in S.F. Two other people there, I think. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a Prosperos storefront where people could drop in? Then I see Norma Keller in bright blue and white Hawaiian dress sitting behind me. I’m laying down so I struggle to get up and talk to her.. Then I wake up.

January 31, 2025:  Call John F. in a.m. to tell him the OccupySF website is down. As we talk, website comes back up. Post quote from Anne Frank about “terrible things happening outside.” It moves me greatly. Then get anonymous call from John H., I assume. That makes me very happy. #29 and J to G.P. Young man on #29 smiles at me. Young Nepali at G.P. Market. I say, “How do you say hello in Nepali?’ He says, “Namaste” and he puts his hands together in prayerful salute. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Mary Trump. Sit across from cute young guy at library. I walk out behind him. It’s barely raining so I take #44 to F.H. K home. Drop crossword puzzle. Young woman sitting next to me picks it up for me. As I exit, I turn around so I can get a better look at who she is. She smiles. Train jerks to stop. I do little Dick Van Dyke dance as I exit.

January 31 dream:  Black comedian directing freeway. Person looks like a beautiful woman. Then swoosh, he’s a guy. “Pick a lane!”

Janaury 31 dream:  Walking up wooden … with great difficulty.

January 30, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. Walk and #49 and J to G.P. Find out guy at G.P. Market is Nepalese. I had been trying to speak to him in Spanish. Mark at C.B. Lose my earplug chord. Translate loss. Find it on the floor in the doorway to the restroom. Cute guy at C.B. with girl. I run into them later at the library. Finish socialism book by Richard Wolff. He recommends worker-owned businesses like Mondragon in Spain. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. I walk around three guys on steps of F.H. One of them smiles at me. (*Relates to shits from hier?) K home. Go to W.F. Cannot retrieve Bathtub Bulletin and OccupySF websites.

January 30 dream:  I go to home where I visited some people last year. Up the stairs comes Marilyn Deurell. I had forgotten that I saw her last year. So happy to see her again. There were a few other people around.

January 30 dream:  Guy in fancy trainer pays $250 “under the table” for something. Says he might be my boyfriend since I will be part of the transaction. 

January 29, 2025:  I ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Richard Wolff and Mary Trump. Walk up #52 route. Young woman helping older woman on Diamond Street. I pass by. Then walk back to see if she’s okay. Start feeling “shitty.” Go back to library to take shits. Pass Miles in and out. Walk back up Diamond. Run into old lady again. She says she’s just moving stuff from her car. Walk up to Diamond Heights Blvd. Take #52 to Woodside. Go to M.S. Take pee there. Then run into Latino guy and three or four friends on elevator. Make connection with Latino guy. Woman in aisles says, “Congratulations” on her cellphone. Check out with “Haircut Ed.” #52 to F.H. K home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Money must be earned, inherited, won or stolen Conclusion: I am creditworthy.

January 29 dream:  Guy and I sitting at beach side by side. Sort of on date. Funny old man comes up to us smoking a cigarette. (He says he’s 30 but he looks much older.) He thinks we’re straight. We “pretend” to be gay and start making out.

January 29 dream:  See Billye Talmadge at store on my way out of big class or assembly. I’m excit4ed to see her. She’s with Suzanne and one other woman. 

January 28, 2025:  Anonymous call from guy. I say, “You have a sexy voice.” He hangs up. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Start Richard Wolff book on socialism. Also start Too Much and Never Enough by Mary Trump. Connect with Miles on way out of library. Walk up #52 route It’s cold. Walk to Glenview Drive. Get #52 right away to F.H. Get K right away home. Go to W.F. Check out with Darien, very sweet guy. Woman bagger is woman I first met on December 15. Add Trump quote to my ZontaPhotos website: “As an adjudicated insurrectionist, Trump is an illegitimate president according to Section 3 of the 14th Amendment, and therefore every official act as president will be illegitimate.” It’s also on OccupySF.net and BathtubBulletin.com.

January 28 dream:  Order fish with my chocolate sundae. At new place, so trying new things.

January 28 dream:  Book ends with parts for all parts of the country.

January 28 dream:  Good news.

January 27, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Runner on San Jose Avenue. We cross each others’ paths where car is exiting from driveway. He tries to warn me. I’m aware. Mark at C.B. Also strange guy who smiles at me. Go to library. Noisy guy sits next to me. Finish I Paid. Connect with Miles as I exit. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Accidentally stay on K ’til Balboa Station. Write post for OccupySF.net about Mark Burnett who In 2016 did not support Trump. In 2019, he did. Then in 2024 he was appointed envoy to UK by Trump. He is the person responsible for Trump’s Apprentice TV show which catapulted the Trump persona into fame and the presidency. And Burnett hides behind his Christian faith. Got me very upset and relates, I think, to the coyotes from hier at G.C.P. Go to W.F. Follow guy thru store. Then he goes down steps. I take elevator home. Run into guy who is moving out. Turns out he lives right next to me. (*See to second dream of December 23?)

January 27 dream:  Slip and fall in dream.

January 27 dream:  Biblical story.

January 26, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Read more from I Paid. As I exit library, #35 rolls around the corner, waiting for me as I cross street. I’m not interested. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear lots of coyotes. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. Guy drops $1 as he boards train. I try to get his attention, but he’s wearing earphones. So I keep it. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Dylan. Shits on arriving home.

January 26 dream:  Big black spider a couple of inches across gets angry and turns itself inside out when I throw something at it. I say, “Watch out, Bernie,” but I cant’ seem to kill it.

January 26 dream:  At crowded party I joke with Bill Fennie that his shirt matches his pants (brown with specks of color) which matched his hair and this other man’s pants. I say, “Only kidding.”

January 26 dream:  Use labeling gun over map of S.F. 

January 25, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Go cookie-less. Go to library. Talk with Miles about book he is reading by Stendhal. Read more from I Paid. Walk up #52 route to F.H. Pass by beautiful guy waiting outside. I go inside. K won’t arrive for 22 minutes so I go outside and sit by beautiful guy. He didn’t get on #43 or #44 so I ask him, “Does the #35 stop here?” He looks at electronic sign as do I. It does stop here but not for quite a while. I say, “Guess I’ll have to go back downstairs. He’s unexpectedly sweet and kind. (*Relates to shits from hier, I’m pretty sure.) K home.

January 25 dream:  Buy some kind of chemical test tube for men to use with make-up. From Laurie.

January 25 dream:  In courtroom minister calls for … When guy finishes talking, I refer to him as the defendant. By the time I raise my hand to support him, most everyone is gone. To be continued. Woman says, “Pay your dues and vote.” I say, “In that order?” She says, “I think dues is $40.” Get on elevator to leave. Guy we are supporting is G.B. Cute guy on elevator. Not many people other than he, me and a few others.

January 24, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Lots of police cars rushing to G.P. to arrest shouting homeless guy at Chenery and Diamond. Come up with obvious solution to my no-sweets problem at C.B. Just order my usual Jasmine green tea with steamed soy and no cookies, biscotti, etc. Realize this may not be so easy ’cause the little boy inside is very insistent on his (my) right to sweets. After all, I’ve been a good boy!!! But I know I can do it now that I know that’s all I need to do. (*Relates to owl sighting from hier, I think.) Go to library. Start I Paid Hitler. Walk up #52 route. As I approach M.S., feel “shittier” and “shittier.” So I go to M.S. to take shits. Almost don’t make it. See Derek and Ben at checkout stations. Derek looks kind of tall and “shiny” so I check out with him. He tells me he’s studying to become a paralegal at UC Law, formerly Hastings. Pass by Ben. #36 to F.H. K home. Hear commotion in back of train which feels like an invitation. Run into guy with really tight pants. I connect with him briefly. Watch The Office (U.K.) in p.m. In one scene they actually pantsed guy completely, blurring out his genitals. It was supposed to be funny, but I thought it felt more like rape.

January 24 dream:  I go to restroom with woman and child. Then I go to men’s room. There are lots of guys there hanging out. Guy says, “Take your clothes off.” I say, “Nobody else is naked.” They all laugh. (h.o.)

January 24 dream:  Young rock star waling around in his underpants. Boss asks him to take them off. He does. I think he looks better with them half-on.

January 23, 2025:  Jerk off in a.m. Anonymous calls. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Meet Yaul (pronounced Shaul) who I had met earlier on January 15. He’s still reading book by Heidegger. I try to find poem by Yeats for him but don’t ’til I get home. (It’s called Vacillation.) Go to library. Finish Mary Trump book. Walk up #52 route to Safeway D.H. Guy in line says he saw some owls in G.C.P. recently. I tell him that I often hear them but rarely see them. Walk to Duncan. #52 to F.H. K home. Cute guy gets on K and tries not to look at me. Go to W.F. Run into Johnny while exiting. He walks other way. I follow him. He turns back. So do I.

January 23 dream:   Leaving the military. Go to other place. The VA? Application is hard.

January 23 dream:  Masculine-acting girl goes into men’s restroom with other masculine-acting girl. It seems they will hook up soon.

January 23 dream:  Hear doorbell in my dream.

January 23 dream:  Hard rain.

January 22, 2025:  Cute guy on YT who lost his pants in rugby match. I wanted to fuck him and to love him, in no particular order. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. We go over non-sweet options at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Mary Trump. Young woman coughing up a storm. She’s within ear shot but I can’t see her. Later middle-aged black guy comes up to me and apologizes for coughing so loudly though I’d made no complaint to anyone. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Smiling black lady from January 18 on exiting. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: We are being led by a mean-spirited, vengeful, petty charlatan. Conclusion: There are no liars, only truthers in disguise.

January 22 dream:  See Mary Ritley, HughJohn and a few others at Prosperos’ new facility. There was a bathtub as well. I wondered if somebody would be watching me if I took a bath. Someone says, “Be sure you’re never alone.” HJ was telling me what a war hero his father was. I say, “That doesn’t matter. He was a great guy.”

January 22 dream:  Start first day of teaching class of 3rd graders. They’re really nice. Try to take attendance by passing around piece of already-used scrap paper. I think that may not work. I’m supposed to be there about a week.

January 21, 2025:  #29 and #38 to VA appointment at 1 p.m. to get my ears cleaned. Ugh. Two guys on #29. Also smiling runner in G.G.P. on way home. Take N to Cole Valley. Hear “hello” from my phone or somewhere. I say “hello” back. Take #43 home. Go to McD’s for smoothie. Beautiful, smiling, hard-working woman there. She smiles at me. Take nap when I get home. Take shits after.

January 21 dream:  Hanging out with people I like near piers. We’re planning a revolution. Joaquin says, “I wish you’d use me more equally.”

January 21 dream:  Doing project (letter) for cousin Leigh.

January 20, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. K and #49 and J to G.P. Smiling, happy guy on #49 smiling excitedly at me as he and his friends rush on board. Mark at C.B. Library closed. Walk up #52 route. Start to feel “shitty” so I head to M.S. On the way, guy approaches me excitedly saying he just saw a coyote who approached him and then went back into the bushes. I don’t see coyote on way to M.S. Wait in line to take shits. Check out with Derek. Don’t see Ben. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. See Johnny. Check out with Cole.

January 20 dream:  Lifting new kid up on train to visit Uncle Phil and two other uncles.

January 20 dream:  I give people ride to tape group. But there is no tape and there is no discussion. I am not included in the group. And I ask, “How long is this going to take?”

January 19, 2025:  Calvin calls me in a.m. He tells me he’s still upset that his father gave all of his love to his sister rather than him. I’m thinking, “Are you still harping on this?” Later I realize that I still think it’s my job to make my father happy just like it was my job to make my mother happy when she was alive. In ’til 3ish. K and #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. On exiting, I wish him a “Happy Inauguration Day.” Go to library briefly. Walk thru G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. See Johnny and biracial security guard talking again. Check out with Allen.

January 19 dream:  Returning home to place I’m staying after wild night on the streets, especially at one home nearby.

January 19 dream:  Me talking up friendly, “accessible” jazz performer. Later guy pounding nails in his door so he doesn’t get robbed again.

January 19 dream:  Climb up to top of mountain with friend. He doesn’t make it all the way. Lots of tourists. I take photo of Grand Canyon-like mountains. Guy asks me about my camera.

January 19 dream:  Copy person likes my book. He says my stories are moving.

January 18, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Mary Trump. Get call from Calvin. Nice talk. Walk up #52 route to M.S. See Ben. We talk briefly. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Also see “Sir Allen.” #44 to F.H. K home. Hot guy gets on K at Jules (near 24 Hour Fitness gym). Go to W.F. Johnny and Allen are talking. I smile at Johnny. Later I see Johnny talking with my biracial security guard friend. Check out behind very cute young, self-assured Riordan H.S. student. He’s talking with sweet black lady cashier. She asks him about his shirt. He’s wearing a Riordan H.S. shirt. It sounds like he asks her if she’ll be attending an event. She says, “Will you be wearing that shirt?”

January 17, 2025:  While I’m showering, I think of John showing off for me in the YMCA shower some 35 years ago. Then get anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more Mary Trump. Shits at library before I leave. Walk up #52 route to M.S. See “Sir Allen.” Check out with Derek. #52 to F.H. Stand next to cute young guy on K when there were many seats available. He gets off at Ocean and Junipero Serra. Also older man wearing CSUF shirt. I asked him what it stands for: Cal State University Fullerton which his son attends. My paper shopping bag tears so I go directly home rather than go to W.F. Start to feel body pains again today. Question: Was my hyperventilation with Rickey back on August 20, 2023 an NDE? I mean, I was in a tunnel before I started hyperventilating. Insights: Hypochondria comes from realization as a child that “You’re on your own.” Thinking of Dad, the number 18 comes to mind. 18 is 1+8 which equals 9 which is the number of endings. Get anonymous phone message: “How are you?”

January 17 dream:  Woman in white wedding dress without veil.

January 17 dream:  In long line in crowd with Tom C. He says, “You wouldn’t go on a Mars.” I say, “You mean on a Mars influence?” He says, “Yes.” I say, “I don’t think I’d know what a Mars influence is.” Then I can’t find him. He talked about being in (or trying out for) Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, though I mixed up the name at first. But they only did the play in front of a mentally retarded group.

January 17 dream:  I’m walking at dusk. Some dogs want to grab me. Then tiger cub. Tiger tells me he wandered 29 miles today. I say, “How do you know?” He says he has one of those things that measure how far you’ve walked.

January 16, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Get off J early to run into cute guy on San Jose Avenue. I had seen him a few days before but didn’t get off train. He goes into Red Sea Pizza. I follow him in. He smiles at me quickly. I walk to G.P. See second cute guy. I follow him briefly. He boards #44 Muni. I think of following him but don’t quite feel it. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Start Who Could Ever Love You? by Mary Trump. Walk up #52 route. Near Walter Haas Playground, I get call from John A. telling me Alex G. died. Alex was the guy who stayed on top of me as I dragged myself from Thane’s living room into the kitchen when I was on the mat for our Prosperos Aloha Retreat back in the ’70s. Does this mean I’m finally free of the burden of my past? (*Relates to coyote from hier, I think.) Walk to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. See my friendly biracial security guard. He doesn’t connect with me.

January 16 dream:  Dream of earthquake (or real earthquake) at 5:45 a.m.

January 16 dream:  Doing crossword puzzle with numbers and letters which I can’t see very well.

January 16 dream:  My old office (cubicle) in the basement has been closed.

January 16 dream:  Mill Valley.

January 15, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Also film student who submitted short film called Birds of Paradise to Frameline Film Festival. It’s about Hays Code of the ’30s. As I leave cafe, meet guy reading book about Aristotle and Heidegger. Go to library. Read more from Trauma. Connect with Robert and Librarian No. 4. Walk up #52 route. Guy on Diamond Heights Blvd tells me coyote just walked into Walter Haas Playground. I walk to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Victims of childhood trauma can take on the role of victimizer of themselves. Conclusion: The only role that Truth plays is Self-sustaining innocence.

January 15 dream:  In England. Small room with lots of electronic consoles. See car outside my 3rd floor window. Run to get camera. Get stuck up in the air with no way down other than to jump. Fat lady on the ground who I might squash or who might cushion my fall.

January 14, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also Lee. Go to library. Start A Wrinkle in Time. It’s more interesting than I thought it would be. Connect with Miles. Walk up #52 route to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. Beautiful guy sits on F.H. bench. I try to enter fare gate. My card is rejected four times. I go over and stand in front of guy. He stands up and says, “Do you want a seat?” I decline. Then I go through fare gate without a problem. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Ian. See bakery guy as I’m leaving store. He’s standing in group with Johnny and other cute guy. I tell bakery guy how everybody loved the chocolate raspberry cake I bought from him a few days ago. Makes him happy. Shits on getting home.

January 14 dream:  Finish copying large volume of documents. Now I have to gather them up and staple them. Someone has divided them up.

January 14 dream:  Move into 111 West 1st Street in S.F. downtown. I may have lived there before. It’s not in good condition. Needs lots of paint. Manager says we would have to take money from other places to paint. Nice woman asks me if I like it. I say, “I’m adjusting.”

January 14 dream:  Great squid in underwater driveway. I am seated precariously. Don’t know how to get down. My clothes are damp and Jo and Larry are coming to pick me up.

January 13, 2025:  Jerk off in a.m. Get anonymous call during. I don’t answer. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also Lee and Judith. Lots of spam and scam calls today. Go to library. Read more from Trauma. Sit across from guy I was sort of interested in. Connect with Robert. Walk up #52 route. Start to feel “shitty.” Go to Safeway Diamond Heights. Take shit. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. K home. Hear: “The time has come” on The Chosen DVD.

January 13 dream:  Some guy: “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest one of all?”

January 13 dream:  Start new website or podcast. Right away there are over 2 million viewers. I’m doing this in partnership with someone else.

January 13 dream:  Wake up to earthquake in my mind.

January 12, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Meet Levi who tells me about fantasy book he is reading and recommends many more. Book he is reading is The Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan. There are no seats available so I ask if I can sit across from him. He says his wife is in the restroom. Go to library. Librarian No. 1 tells me he likes Manifest, the DVD I check out. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. Walk by Ben in vegetable dept. I do double-take. I say, “They’ve got you working vegetables now?” He says, “Yeah.” I say, “Do you like it?” He says, “It’s okay.” He doesn’t want to talk so I walk away. I feel bad. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Check out with “Sir Allen.” Seems like he’s part of what’s going on between me and Ben. He remembers that I prefer plastic to paper bags. I thank him for remembering. #36 to F.H. K home.

January 12 dream:  Children’s book dealing with AIDS and two other diseases. Done by a friend. “I think it’s pretty good.”

January 12 dream:  Kathy Warfield is pregnant with my baby, she says. I tell her I didn’t come. She asks about my teeth. She says she has a space between her teeth. I guess she’s thinking about the baby.

January 12 dream:  Big report due today and my boss is still making changes to it.

January 11, 2025:  Fire alarm in a.m. Get form email from Fox News saying they got my email from January 9. (See diary of January 9.) #49 and J to G.P. Nice bus driver on #49 throws me off balance. Nice guy at G.P. Market says he missed me hier. Justin (owner’s son) at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Trauma. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Suddenly feel “shitty.” Go to M.S. restroom. Take shit. Run into Ben after. We greet each other tersely. So I think I’m in love with Ben again. Check out with Derek. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Ian. Allen avoids me as I exit. Get drinking glasses in mail from Ricardo.

January 11 dream:  Someone gives me a gold fob watch.

January 11 dream:  Working on somebody’s campaign. Cat “playfully” scratching me and making my life miserable.

January 11 dream:  Visit coast of Oregon with guy and girl. Girl takes off. Guy is wearing only cut-off jeans which he takes off with a Speedo underneath. He dives into ocean. I follow him down. Look out over ocean which is far below. But the water is clean and there are brown, non-threatening sharks swimming around. : No matter what is going on up here, the world continues. There’s a gila monster bigger than my friend. I’m worried the monster might attack him but he doesn’t. Try to take photo but not sure I got it. Later go into very small cafe on cliff. Maybe get something to eat. Old woman stands in my way as she exits. Cook apologizes to me for not getting me something earlier. One guy sitting at only table eating a large omelet.

January 11 dream:  Taking train ride back into the city. Girl invites me to her place. Then disappears. Lots of temporary houses for homeless or poor. Wanted to take shot of sunset as we leave, but I don’t have my camera with me.

January 10, 2025:  3.7 earthquake off coast of S.F. wakes me up at 7 a.m.-ish. In ’til noonish. #29 to VA. I board with cute dirty blond guy from Riordan High School. Later cute Asian guy with glasses boards #29. We both exit on Geary. As I exit, I make funny face. He exits before me and pulls his pants down briefly, exposing red pants underneath. #38 to VA. Christine cuts my toenails. Cute Asian doctor freezes my mole. Take #38 and #29 home. Lots of teens getting out of school. One smiles at me as I exit at Lee. Pick up drinks and cake from home to take to dinner party. Take K to Castro. Talk with Joan from W.G. Ocean Avenue who was on the train. Dinner at Ken and Ricardo’s. Gonzolo there, too. Take K home. Go to W.F. See my biracial friend from hier, though he looks different. He’s still friendly, but he seems like a different person, which he may be.

January 10 dream:  “Killer lettuce.”

January 9, 2025:  Lots of spam and scam calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also very hot young man. Go to library. Read more from Trama. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. K home. Meet Stuart Hall senior on K. He’s going to study statistics at Stanford next year. Go to W.F. See biracial guy again. As I exit I follow him out. He turns around and gives me beautiful smile. In p.m. send email to Fox News: “Isaiah 5:20: ‘Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!’” As I send it I feel sudden twinge of fear that they might use this against me, pretending its some kind of threat. (*Relates to first dream of November 22, I think. About ship diving into the water. In the dream, I had done this before in another ship, which relates to the time I sent an email to the Kamala Harris campaign: “First get rid of the consultants,” paraphrasing Shakespeare. I feared that that could have been taken as a threat as well. May also relate to the body pains I’ve been feeling for the last several days. This all relates to my father, of course. In effect, I was standing up to a known liar and gas-lighter who had almost total power over me. Moral of the story: If you need to stand up to your lying and gaslighting father who’s dead, the Universe will provide a substitute.

January 9 dream:  Hard-on dream. 1/9/25: “To err is human.” 

January 8, 2025:  Lots of scam and spam calls in a.m. in ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also Lee. Go to library. Read more from Trauma. While reading, have vision of man on horse sweeping me up in his arms. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Cute guy disappears (or at least I can’t find him again). Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Paresthesia may indicate impending danger or impending catharsis. Conclusion: Truth is unneutered omnipotence, unoverwhelmed and unoverwhelming.

January 8 dream:  At work, standing in photocopy line to get one copy of all the documents in box. See Jim Renza sweeping floor on way in.

January 7, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Justin and June (son and mother) at C.B. Justin is so cute. Also meet friendly woman and her dog Sadie. Go to library. Talk to Miles about Jung and Freud and Lacan, who I had never heard of. Read more from Trauma. Librarian No. 6 says, “You’re almost finished,” referring to my book. But also to my trauma? Realize body pains are probably not birth pains but Dis pains, my psyche’s way of protecting me ever having to be traumatized again. Trauma says part of trauma is not being given mother love at the moment it is needed. (My mother was dead.) Walk up #52 route to F.H. K home. Meet Christian, alto sax player. I met him originally on June 6, 2024, but I think he forgot. Go to W.F. See Virginia. Also connect with hot guy. Follow him into vitamin section. I say, “So this is the vitamin section?” He says, “Yeah.” I say, “Too many choices.” He smiles. Check out with Darien. Johnny opens checkout station behind me. In p.m., feel betrayed by Thom Hartmann for calling Crystal Ball part of a left-wing circular firing squad. Also: Donovan fixed external door slamming. It feels like new place.

January 7 dream:  On cliff with no way back. Then in prison with lots of other guys.

January 6, 2025:  Anonymous call in a.m. Caller says, “Can you hear me?” I say, “Yes. Can you hear me?” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Ride with my two old Chinese lady friends. One speaks some English. I make sure the J train doesn’t take off before they board. Mark at C.B. Lee and his wife Judith, too. Go to library. Talk with Miles who was also at C.B. In Trauma, read that Jung was sexually molested as a child by someone who he had admired. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. I say, “So is this the cider section?” Then follow W.F. worker to champagne section. Then find cider guy again. He shows me the water and fruit juices in his cart. I say, “That should do the job.” (*Relates to coyotes from hier?) See Johnny on way out. 

January 6 dream:  Trip and fall in dream.

January 6 dream:  Ride by place honoring the founder of free speech. I think it was Henry VIII or somebody like that.

January 6 dream:  Father welcomed back into family as No. 2 in the family.

January 6 dream:  Not understanding why I’m doing something.

January 6 dream:  See Stan from Farmers Insurance central warehouse back in ’69 and early ’70s. Given lots of assignments just before lunch. Mayor Lurie there.

January 5, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Beautiful man at G.P. Market. Friend of owner, I think. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Beautiful young man in restroom as I enter, smiling self-consciously. Read more from Trauma. Connect with Librarian No. 4 on way out. Go to G.C.P. Walk up steps. Feel “shitty.” Go back to R.C. to take shits. Walk to M.S. Hear lots of coyotes in G.C.P. Say hello to Janet, the Coyote Lady. Ed, “Sir Allen” at M.S. Check out with Derek. We talk about Safeway Diamond Heights. #44 to F.H. K home. See Johnny. Also hot biracial guy who smiles when I check him out. Check out with Allen who was wearing a very satiny, sexy T-shirt. Deja vu while watching Hotel du Nord in p.m.

January 5 dream:  Start Prosperos tape group at my new office. Room 379. The place I am allowed. Need to start at 7:30 p.m. Michael K. and one other person interested so far.

January 4, 2025:  Get dinner invitation from Ricardo and Ken for January 10. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Also Zen. I sit next to Zen. Go to library. Read more from Trauma. Walk up #52 route. Feel “shitty.” Then not. Then “shitty” again. Go to M.S. See Ed. Go to restroom. Don’t really have to shit. Don’t really need to buy anything. Then remember that I do need green tea. So I take it to check out express station. Ben is there. We talk briefly. I ask him if he has been to Castro store recently. He hasn’t. I ask him if school has restarted. He says he still has three weeks. Rush out. Pass guy pushing his full cart slowly. He says, “You going to pass me on the right?” I say, “Yes.” #44 to F.H. K home. Feel strong cramps on K. Then it subsides. Take shits when I get home.

January 4 dream:  In apartment for maybe six months with some people. Owner takes place or cheats or a cult.

January 4 dream:  Two failures in flight.

January 3, 2025:  Anonymous call in a.m. Caller says nothing. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Woman on #29 offers me her seat. I take it to sit next to cute young guy who smiles at me. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Trauma. Take shits on leaving library. Walk up #52 route. I let #35 bus pass by me. Go to M.S. See “Sir Allen” but we don’t connect. Check out with Allyson assisted by Ben. Ben and I speak briefly. I say, “You got a haircut.” He says, “Yeah.” I say, “Me, too.” Later he is standing alone at adjacent checkout station. I say, “Slow night?” he says, “Not really.” I look around and don’t see anybody nearby. I say, “It kind of looks like it.” Then I say good-bye. Then he says something. I don’t hear him. I say, “What?” He says, “Have a good night.” I say, “Oh, yeah, you, too.” His change of tone from cold to kind really moved me. Doubt that John could do that.

January 2, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. G.P. Market boss wishes me Happy New Year three times. I didn’t realize it was him so I responded sarcastically, “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” Mark at C.B. Go to library. Talk with Librarian No. 4. Read more from Trauma. Walk up #52 route to Safeway Diamond Heights. Rude cashier there. I say, “You’re something else.” What I wanted to say was, “You’re a fat ass” but my AI editor got in the way. Walk by M.S. See “Sir Allen” in doorway. After I pass, he yells hello at me. I turn around and look at him intensely. Then return his hello. Feels like he’s telling me it’s okay to reach out to Ben again. (*Relates to woman and coyote from hier?) #43 home.

January 2 dream:  Office party. Some people leave. Guy comes by and says that it’s not much of a party.

January 2 dream:  Book by Ry Koshed

January 2 dream:  Trying to find my seat at rotating concert.

January 1, 2025:  In ’til 3ish. Appears to be auto accident on my way out of the apartment building. K and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. I say to him, “I’m surprised you’re here.” He says, “I told you I would be.” Makes me feel bad. Then realize it probably relates to auto accident as I left apartment. Library closed today so I walk to G.C.P. Take shits at R.C. Walk thru G.C.P. See person with a few lights around her. As I get closer, see that it is an older woman who seems to block my path. She says, “Look.” I look and say, “Is it a coyote?” “Yes,“ she says. It is dark, but the coyote appears bigger than usual and has gray fur rather than brown. Woman says the coyote came right up to where she was standing and that he didn’t appear to be hungry or scared. I ask woman, “Do you live around here?” She says, “Creighton Street,” I think. She says, “Well, that’s enough excitement for today.” She has two walking sticks on the ground which she picks up. Later I realize she and the coyote, I guess, were probably tulpas. (*Relates to shits from hier, I’m sure.) Was she trying to show me what is coming up for me? Walk to M.S., looking for Wednesday Examiner. #43 right away home. Insight: Pelvic pain is me keeping myself down before other people get opportunity to? Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: A healing in the psyche takes a longer time to heal in the body (manifestation). Conclusion: Truth is the obvious and immediate sanity of mind and manifestation. Watch Manifest in p.m.

January 1 dream:  Find my address book.

January 1 dream:  At party. It’s raining hard outside. Woman calls to help with volunteers.

January 1 dream:  In bare kitchen with my mother. My wig is off and I’ve lost most of my hair. Just wisps of reddish-brown hair. Like a new baby’s head. There are some boxes and two injured (but still living) pythons on the floor.

January 1 dream:  Work at temp job in big law office. Cathy Koslover there. She gets scared of something. Also walking thru Miami. See some beautiful shots I’d like to take, but my friend has borrowed my camera. One shot of street that looks sort of like windy European street, only with more modern and pastel-colored buildings.

December 31, 2024:  Get anonymous call when I’m in shower. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also Lee. Get call from Robbie M. telling me that Beth K and John A. have gotten in touch with him. See video game ad featuring hot guy in crop-topped T-shirt. Turns me on. Go to library. Read more from Trama. Walk to R.C. Take shits. Walk thru G.C.P. to Glenview Drive. Hear woman’s voice say “Hola” on way to G.C.P. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Darien. No Facebook reply from stepsister Nancy. I take that as a victory. She’s kind of exposed who she is. And who our stepfamily was.

December 31 dream:  Walking out of prison. “Are they really going to allow us to just keep walking?” I ask young man next to me. We just keep walking.

December 30, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #43 (Really nice Muni driver!) and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Talk with Miles about latest book he is reading about Joan Didion. Read more from Trauma. Guy sitting next to me talks to me about H.P. Lovecraft. Walk up #52 route. #35 waiting for me at Diamond Heights Blvd. stop. It sits there with its doors open for several minutes as I pass by. Not interested today. Walk to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Get FB response from stepsister Nancy to my reply from hier: “Oh yes… Christmas morning brunch—got a pigeon!” I reply: “Good one, Nancy.” Hear “It’ll all change from now on. You’ll see.” From Keeping Faith DVD.

December 30 dream:  Two kitchen workers with swords and others fend off invasion through kitchen doorway.

December 30 dream:  Gang of shooters turning on itself.

December 30 dream:  Sitting and eating with others (Phil Diers?) at long tables. Try to sit next to Phil. Only have a little time left before my flight to (or from?) Paris.

December 29, 2024:  Anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “Derek?” Caller hangs up. #29 and walk to G.P., looking for Sunday Examiner Sweet clerk at G.P. Market. Mark at C.B. He tells me about taking mushrooms on New Years Eve a few years ago. Go to library. Read more from Trauma. Walk thru G.C.P. Finally find SF Examiner near burrito place on Portola Drive. #43 home. Reply to Facebook message from stepsister Nancy mentioning Christmas morning visit by hawk. I say, “Probably has some significance other than just a Christmas morning visit.” Watch final episode of The Plot Against America. Cry tears of relief when it shows that FDR is running for re-election in 1942.

December 29 dream:  Can’t shut my apartment door. Go to manager’s office which now is right across the hall. Guy fixes it. Now I have two new female roommates.

December 28, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Also Lee. Go to library. Miles there. Read more form Trauma. Thinking about sexy photo I saw online today of soccer player removing his pants to give to a fan. He has a great ass. I fantasize about fucking him. Then go on to fantasize about humiliating him. Reading book about trauma, realize this isn’t me getting off on humiliating somebody. I was merely “stealing” my father’s trauma when he humiliated me (just like in my dream last night of “stealing” people’s cars. (*Relates also to accident from hier?) Walk to M.S. thinking I’ll run into Ben. I don’t. I check out with Derek who’s in good spirits. He tells me about going to court to challenge Daly City police. Also talk with “Haircut Ed.” Go to CVS. Go to burrito place. Runner almost runs into me as I try to jaywalk. Later I get off bus early to see if I could run into him. I do. And he smiles. #43 to F.H. K home.

December 28 dream:  Follow John F. Want to cross ravine. Suddenly I’m on other side of ravine. And I’m trying to catch up with Bob K.

December 27, 2024:  In ’til noonish. Take #49 to Dona Mago resto in the Mission with John F. While we are talking, two cars crash into each other outside. It was a nice time with John but the resto was pretty bad. Walk home via Valencia. Connect with cute Asian guy leaning up against building. Try to catch #36 to G.P. but can’t find the bus stop. So I run to catch J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Trauma. Keep falling asleep. Take #23 and #43 home.

December 27 dream:  Jackie O. makes an appearance. I try to avoid her.

December 27 dream:  Slip and fall in dream.

December 27 dream:  Try to leave grocery store with cart. Forget to pay.

December 27 dream:  Cute guy standing in line for pizza.

December 27 dream:  Car selling for #200 or $400. It’s a small, boxy gray car, floor model. I want it. So does my former boss, Mitt Romney, and others.

December 27 dream:  Realize I should stop “borrowing” (i.e., stealing) people’s cars every day to go to and from work.

December 26, 2024:  Jerk off in a.m. Get anonymous call as I’m getting all hot and bothered. Caller says nothing. I say, “Thinking of me?” In ’til 3ish. John A.calls as I’m leaving apt. #29 and J to G.P. Two young guys sitting apart on #29. Both smile at me, sort of. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Finish Paris. Start Trauma and the Soul. It’s slightly raining so I take #44 to F.H. Scary homeless guy from C.B. and library is on board, giving black female bus driver a hard time. I think maybe he’ll go after me as he has in the past, but he doesn’t. K home. Go to W.F. See Virginia.

December 26 dream:  Go to fort-like place for adults with John F. Someone drops lemon drops in my ear and mouth. I feel it in my throat.

December 25, 2024:  Walk to Monterey Hair Salon for noon appointment. Jun is going to see “The Last Dance” movie after one more appointment. On way out, I show him movie trailer on my phone. He sort of dismisses me. Go outside. #36 bus arrives right away. Take it to G.P. Buy Chron. C.B. closed. Tyger’s coffee shop open. People with Santa caps eating outside. So happy somebody is open today. Order blueberry pancakes. Woman on way out touches me in the shoulder twice and wishes me a Merry Christmas. Walk thru G.C.P. Young man walks off path and down hill. Then kicks soccer ball down the rest of the way. I yell, “Goal!: Go to front of M.S. to look for Examiner. None there. #43 home. See “This is What You’ve Been Waiting For” on Muni bus. Go to Java Hut on Ocean Avenue. Talk with Pelal (or Bilal), the owner’s son. First met him on November 24, 2016. And haven’t seen him since. He’s now a graduate of UCSC in botany but is working as a real estate developer. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Traumatic events can cause inflammation. Conclusion: Wholeness is grounded Self-excitement. Hear “it’s the biggest deal” on Newton’s Law DVD in p.m.

December 25 dream:  Guy asks me to dance. When I go over to his table, he says, “Oh, I meant in private.” Though the dance floor was empty.

December 24, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Mark comes in at last moment. As I enter library, jaunty black guy holds door open for me. Later he joins me in the restroom. Read more from Paris. Buy double chocolate chip cookie at Canyon Market with predictable pelvic pain. Also very nice lady explains what some food item is. Walk thru G.C.P. to Glenview. Hear owls. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. See Johnny. See friendly new guy who I thought was a friendly lesbian at first glance. Watch Querelle in p.m. Kind of like bad porno. This is video John checked out of 18th Street video store way back in the ’80s, I believe, when they still had video stores. And I ran into him there. As he left, I said, “Now’s your opportunity [to reach out to me].”

December 23, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Clark Kent type on #29. Willow at C.B. Miles drops in briefly. Guy who looks sort of like John. I return to C.B. to check him out again. This time not so much. Go to library. Read more from Paris. Connect with Robert. Walk up #52 route to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. K home. Two anonymous calls today. Insight: Am I working under cover for God? Neighbor upstairs has window open and TV on loud at 4:30 in the a.m.

December 23 dream:  Record programming deal.

December 23 dream:  My boss in dream says not to worry about noise from upstairs. They’ll be moving out. Friendly guy in short white pants comes into store.

December 22, 2024:  Jerk off in a.m. Discover easy way to clean my throw rug using a carpet sweeper.  #29 and walk to G.P. Trying to find Sunday Examiner with no luck. Mark at C.B. Go to library briefly. Check out Querelle DVD, gay story by Jean Genet, with Librarian No. 4, who has a crush on me. She pretends not to notice the DVD. #35 rounding corner as I walk by. Don’t plan on getting on, but see cute guy board, so I follow him on. Go to Castro. Stop by 440 Club. Go to urinal. One catch in my throat. Walk up 18th Street to Portola. Try to find Examiner in front of M.S. No luck. Go to M.S. Check out with Allyson who is assisted by Ben. She says, “How’s your evening going so far?” I say, “So far, so good.” Ben leaves right away. (*Running into Ben again relates to shits from hier, I think.) Derek and Ian at other checkout stations. Go to burrito place. #43 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. See Javier and Allen.

December 22 dream:  Visit cousin Paul Fortis’s bayside house. View of Golden Gate bridge. It’s been remodeled and looks more religious than before.

December 22 dream:  I say, “Girl asked me for my phone number. I don’t know why.” Woman says, “I think I do.”

December 21, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Two loud, rude, spoiled teenage girls at J stop and then on J train presage loud, rude, spoiled middle-aged women at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Paris. Sort of rainy day. Walk up #52 route. Pass apparently unsupervised young boy on Diamond Heights Blvd. Then let #35 bus pass me by. Start feeling “shitty” so I go ahead to M.S. Run into Ben as I rush to men’s room. Say, “Hi, Ben.” As I leave men’s room, see somebody at urinal. Do double-take. It’s Ben. I think he’s coming on to me. (*Relates to bear dream from hier?) Check out with Ian. He’s on the phone. When he puts it down, I say, “Were you talking with Santa?” He says, “No, one of his elves.” We talk about Tesla cybertrucks. He calls them Martian vehicles. He was really happy. Walk to F.H. K home.

December 21 dream:  Trip and fall in dream.

December 21 dream:  Trying to avoid crazy guy from last night.

December 21 dream:  At big convention, girl takes a liking to me. I consider the possibility. Big deal woman comes in.

December 20, 2024:  Anonymous call. I say, “Buenas dias.” Caller says nothing. I say, “Adios.” Clean bathtub, toilet and sink. In ’til 4ish. Buy new shower curtain. Go to Java Hut. Beautiful young man there with a friend. Online Xmas party at 5:30 p.m. About 14 attend. Makes me feel good afterwards. Some healing took place, I believe. (*Relates to Thane penetration dream of hier?) Steve Hines brings up Trump who he sees as a sort of destroyer, but in a positive way. Janet, William, Rick, Ann, John A., Heather, HughJohn, Sara, Patrick, Richard also attend.

December 20 dream:  Bear gives birth to bear cub.

December 19, 2024:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Loud girl with guy at J stop on Ocean Avenue. When they get on train, she sits in front and he sits in back. As I exit at G.P., guy smiles, sort of. Mark at C.B. Little girl gives me smile which seems forced and insincere. Go to library. Librarian No. 4 gives me same smile. Read more from Paris. Read about Paris Commune. Realize that my hypochondria may be an inverted way for me having power over my own body in at least this way. (*Relates to shits at had at library two days ago?) Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. Hear guy crossing Portola Drive say, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with same young woman from December 15. Feel bad afterwards. Hear “What seems far-fetched has come to pass” on Janet King DVD.

December 19 dream:  Guy at bar I go to says, “I’m trying to make you like me.” He should treat my kids better. Woman bartender says, “Today is our last day. We’re closing for good.” The building is being remodeled.

December 19 dream:  Thane penetrating a woman with his penis.

December 19 dream:  Taking taxi to place with long line of people outside.

December 18, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K and #49 and J to G.P. Friendly policewoman on San Jose Avenue advised me to be careful. I don’t know what she was referring to. Then steps at Glen Park say “Watch Yo Back.” Willow at C.B. Colorado State mentioned in the Chron. Go to the library. Read more from Paris. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Co to W.F. Check out with Cole. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Giving birth can be scary, painful and entrapping. Conclusion: The gift of Truth is already present, always has been and always will be free. (*Relates to three breasts dream of December 17, I think.)

December 18 dream:  Ask cousin Leigh how two distant cousins fit in to the family.

December 17, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. I’m very happy ’cause I realize that “prostate” mentioned in my dream last nite was my unconscious mind’s trying to tell me that what I am unconsciously scared to death of is (was) my father. (*Relates to “final exam” first dream of December 15?) Then get anonymous call with only one ring. Lady at C.B. puts her hands on my shoulder and asks me to watch her purse. Go to library. Read more from Paris. Take shits at library. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home.

December 17 dream:  See beautiful young man dressed in beige as I exit #49 at San Jose Avenue.

December 17 dream:  Standing In line at ice cream store on the boardwalk. Trying to decide between mint chocolate chip and coffee and peppermint and one other. Run into two friends doing the same. She takes photo of me.

December 17 dream:  Sitting in hospital room alone.

December 17 dream:  Laurie gives me book.

December 17 dream:  Look in mirror. I have three breasts. It doesn’t bother me much. (*Relates to “giving birth” Translation of December 18?)

December 16, 2024:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Guy vaping outside my apartment building one moment, gone the next. #29 and J to G.P. Mark, Lee, Miles and Reed at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Paris. Walk up #52 route. Think about my pelvic pain. According to some, it’s supposed to be caused by repressed rage. In my case repressed rage against my father for raping me. I could never really feel that rage, though I tried for years. Today I played with the idea that maybe it wasn’t my rage that I was repressing, but my father’s rage. As a naive 9-year-old I didn’t really know what he was doing to me. But it felt like rage to me, so I dissociated. (*This realization relates to shits from hier about this time? Also relates to slipping and almost falling at same location two days ago? Unrelated insight: Realize if I keep my finger on my camera’s  shutter button long enough, it will usually work. Walk to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. K home. Flirt with guy on K. He gets off at Junipero Serra and Ocean. Go to W.F. Talk briefly with Johnny. Hear “Ft. Collins” in p.m.

December 16 dream:  I ask guy to stop doing what he’s doing or maybe just not as much.

December 16 dream:  Coming down Leavenworth Street. Large apartment building is all boarded up. Try to cut through someone’s yard. Boy and old dog catch me. I try to run away. Can’t move very fast. Go up ladder. Old woman there. She is welcoming. She mentions “prostate.” I think she’s talking about the old dog. (*I wake up and realize that what my unconscious is trying to tell me, by mentioning “prostate,” is that I’m scared to death of my father.)

December 15, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. go to library. Start Paris is Not Dead. I like it. Walk to G.C.P. Take shits at R.C. Walk thru upper tier of G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with new girl. I say, “So are my groceries going to cost less when Trump gets into office?” She says, “Trump’s a liar.”

December 15 dream:  Take final test for class. The last question was “What were all the things we talked about in class and say what they mean to you. Could be 147 or 423 things. I put down four topics but left explanations blank.

December 15 dream:  Beautiful spot on the coast north of San Francisco. Lots of potential photos. Then I’m in trolley with four middle-aged women. One is Jeannie Maher, my former boss at California DOJ. I’m really thrilled to see her. She pretends not to notice me.

December 14, 2024:  Hurricane warning on my cellphone. In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Black guy sitting at window seat on back bench of #49. I sit at opposite window. At first I sit in front of him. Then I move to the opposite window seat. He smiles when I look at him. Willow at C.B. Also Zen. It sit next to him. Go to library. Finish Answer. Walk up #52 route to F.H. Talk to driver about the days of film photographs. K home. Go to W.F. See Johnny briefly. Post on BB: “Gender dysphoria is a disease of our bipolar society.If we believe that we are only given two options, male or female, then gender dysphoria would make sense.When we understand that our authentic identity is consciousness conscious of itself as consciousness and not all the identities we’ve picked up along the way (whether in our childhood or inherited in our dna), then we are free to roam the endless opportunities of androgynous possibilities.The illness is not in those who have gender dysphoria. The illness is the belief that we have to make a choice between pink or blue.The illness is in our bipolar society.–Mike Zonta, BB editor.”

December 13 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Meet my Riordan h.s. friend from hier. He had a bunch of flowers for his girlfriend. Also wearing a Snoopy T-shirt ’cause he likes Snoopy. We talk about Trump. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Answer. As I exit library, I notice guy checking out book. He smiles. Walk up #52 route. Slip and almost fall on Diamond Heights Blvd. I grab on to street sign pole which just happened to be in the right place for me to balance myself. Go to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” #36 to F.H. K home. Cute young gay couple on K. As I exit, tall black guy lets me go ahead of him. Later I fantasize about him fucking me. (*Relates to slipping on Portola sidewalk hier, I think. He could have been a tulpa.) See “Happiness has arrived” on DVD.

December 13 dream:  Three women end up sleeping in bed I slept in last night. I want somebody to fuck me.

December 12, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Meet Riordan freshman on #29. He’s on the basketball team. He says he knows he’s lucky that his parents can afford a private school. And that the San Francisco public schools are not very good. Feel bouncy happy on exiting J train at Glen Park. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Answer. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. Slip on patch of mud on Portola Drive sidewalk and almost fall. #44 to F.H. K home. Think: “This Is God’s body.” Go to W.F. Realize my body tingling may be due to an expansion of consciousness.

December 12 dream:  Going to pick up a lion. Plywood walkway has been readied for it.

December 12 dream:  Toting heater on wheels with furnace at bottom of it. This had happened before, although this time it seemed more dangerous. Guy said he would do something about it.

December 11, 2024:  Get phone message from Amazon saying that I bought something for $1,279.99. I checked my account. Not so. I think John is retaliating for my “too late” comment from December 9. Wake up early in anticipation of this. Later take nap. Fire alarm wakes me up about 1 p.m. Take K to Folsom Dore Apartments to view one-bedroom. It was kind of cool. Great view of downtown. Nice balcony. Loft room upstairs. Asking $1,700.00 per month. Take M to Castro. Pass 440 Club but don’t go in. Go into W.G. Smile at cute security guard in his burka-like outfit. #24 to Noe Valley. Meet Sacred Heart h.s. sophomore. He tells me how violent lacrosse is. Makes me want to play lacrosse with John. Walk from Noe Valley to #35 on Diamond Street to G.P. Arrive around 4:30 p.m. Willow there. Realize I lost my glasses somewhere along the way. Go to library. Read more from Answers. Walk up #52 route to Duncan Street. Email Trump with idea to make all health care providers and insurers nonprofit. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Having an out-of-body experience means losing control of your body. Conclusion: Truth is always in control of its own body..

December 11 dream:  Dream of jerking off.

December 10, 2024:   Feel delicious sense of freedom from John. Then get anonymous call, but only for two rings. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Really sweet little Chinese girl with her grandmother(?) on K. Mark at C.B. Also Lee. Two boys come in and then seem to disappear. Go to library. Miles nice to me. Start Answer to Job by Carl Jung. Sit next to old Asian man who seems to be deliberately coughing and making noise. I decide not to be intimidated. He leaves about 5 minutes before the library closes. It feels like guy is trying to prevent me from reading Answer. Or God is proving Jung’s point by showing his “evil” side. Maybe I need to work on my relationship with God. Which I’ve been trying to avoid all my life. So I was not only trying to get away from my father, but I’ve been trying to get away from God all my life, too. I don’t think I agree with Jung that God has both a good and evil side. Unless I’m missing the point he’s trying to make. Everyone around me is God. And so am I. Walk up #52 route. Pass black woman who says, “It’s off!” Black guy says, “Is it on?” Woman says, “It’s off! O.F.F.” #44 to F.H. K home.

December 10 dream:  Stand 1-1/2 hours (or 4-1/2 hours) in tape group with people I don’t like. Big lemon bar at the end.

December 9, 2024:  Anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “Too late.” Call Robbie McEwen. I get really excited about connecting with him. #29 and J to G.P. Meet long-haired Riordan h.s. freshman at Santa Rosa Avenue. Talk with him on J train. He’s interested in studying architecture like his father and grandfather before him. I ask him what is his favorite building in S.F. He says he likes the remodel of the Transamerica Pyramid building that was recently completed. I stay on J train an extra stop to talk with him. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more Colin Wilson and book about physicist Pauli and Carl Jung. Miles is very nice to me. When I check in book with him, he says, “Far out.” Walk up #52 route to Glenview. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Looking for tartar sauce. Realize I should ask Johnny. I go up to his work station. Really beautiful woman, even more beautiful than Johnny, standing next to him. He notices me and asks if he can help. He shows me where tartar sauce is. We run into Javier there. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Insight: Was “too late” a message to me as well as to John? 

December 8, 2024   Get call from Heather and Cindy in a.m. They talked a lot about COVID vaccines as usual. In ’til 3ish. K and #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library briefly. #35 bus taking off for the Castro, but I’m not interested. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. See Angel, Check out with Ian.

December 8 dream:  I’m underwater, looking up to the surface.

December 7, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Guy on #29 offers me seat even though there were many seats available. I smile in appreciation. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Miles there. Read more from Colin Wilson. Feel “shitty” for moment. Then return two books to Miles. When finished, he says “You’re good.” Walk up #52 route to Glenview. #52 to F.H. #43 home. Sit next to cute young Asian guy. Try to connect with him. He’s pretty full of himself. Then I see even cuter guy about to exit bus at Ridgewood. I jump up to follow him. Walk home from there. Shits on getting home.

December 7 dream:  Man trying to crush in on me as I try to buy something. I push back. (h.o.)

December 7 dream:  Black hustler goes off with other black guy to public restroom. I walk home. Dog is next to me. I pet its head. I think I’m behind on my bill to newspaper. Have to go home and get all my mail.

December 6, 2024:  #29 and #38 to VA for 1 p.m. dermatology appointment. As I exit #29, connect with cute Asian guy who is also exiting. Take #38. Young guy boards kind of hesitantly. He looks almost exactly like John, only 20ish and shorter. I follow him into W.G. He is in front of me in line. I say, “Are you in line?” He says, “Yes.” He asks counterperson if they have a restroom.. They don’t. He heads towards the ocean. I go to my VA appointment. Nice female doctor talks with me. I can tell she is French by the way she flutters her lips as if to say, “It doesn’t matter.” I look for cute well-built gay guy I had seen before. Then he finds me. We connect briefly. Then get help verifying my ID for their website. Guy before me gets hug as he leaves. When I’m finished I say, “Do I get a hug, too, like the guy ahead of me?” She hugs me. Go to La Promenade Café. It’s really crowded. Guy at table next to me stands up to leave. I admire his body. He smiles back at me. On exiting, pass table with macho guy and his girlfriend. I pretend to check out the girlfriend. Walk thru G.G.P. Connect with beautiful young man as he and young woman run past me. Go to P.O. on Irving Street. Then take N to Cole Valley. Look for new live Xmas tree and simple basic flashlight at Cole’s Hardware. They have neither. Then #43 to F.H. L to W.P. Buy Xmas cards at bookstore. K home. Connect with young Asian man with glasses outside W.F. as I arrive home.

December 5, 2024 : Tsunami warning over cell phone in a.m. due to 7.0 earthquake in Humboldt County. In ’til 3ish. Walk and #49 and J to G.P. Very friendly guy at G.P. Market. Mark back from L.A. at C.B. Also Reed. Go to library. Start From Atlantis to the Sphinx by Colin Wilson. Walk up #52 route to M.S. See “Sir Allen” though he doesn’t look my way. Check out with nice woman. Then see Ben at his checkout station, who wasn’t there earlier. Exchange smiles. Makes me feel good. Then get anonymous call. #52 to F.H. K home. Sit next to cute blond guy. Later he gets up and sits across from me. I check him out. He smiles as he gets up to leave. I think he’s smiling at other guy getting off. Then realize he was smiling at me. Go to W.F. See beautiful young man in bright green T-shirt. I buy BBQ sauce. Then try to check out automatically and quickly so I can catch up with him. For some reason (Divine intervention?) I can’t get my credit card out from behind other card. Then try to catch up with him exiting the garage. Get extreme foot pain in my left foot. I say to the Universe, “Alright, already!”

December 5 dream:  Mother burned up in car?

December 5 dream:  Car gives me ride up hill. Also my mother? Woman inside (my stepsister?) keeps door locked ’til last moment so the Arabs don’t get in. I asked her about this. She admitted it.

December 4, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Balboa Station. Woman smiles at me just before I board #49. #49 and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. It’s very full so when I talk with Reed (my coder friend from October 30), he offers me the seat opposite him. We talk briefly. Go to library. Finish The Enneagram Book. I may be Enneagram type 4. Walk thru G.C.P. in the dark. Hear owl as I exit. Walk to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. K home. Cute gay couple. Then single guy who I liked even more. As I cross over Ocean to W.F., connect with very handsome man. I follow him briefly to Beep’s. See police car parked there. Go back to W.F. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Making a decision without all the facts can be disastrous. Conclusion:  The verdict is always wholeness in body, spirit and mind.

December 3, 2024:  In ’til l3ish. #29 and J to G.PP. Willow at C.B. Hot black guy comes in. I put down everything to watch what he does. He kind of bounces out like John does when he knows he’s about to have sex. (*Relates to dream of December 1, I think.) Then think I should have approached him. Go to Canyon Market to look for him. Can’t find him. Maybe he’s a tulpa. Go to library. Miles is angry. He’s upset ’cause I didn’t come on to him on November 30. As I approach Miles, I say to myself, “Mind can handle this.” He gives me hard look. I smile at him kindly. Magic 8 ball says I’m likely to see guy from C.B. again. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. #36 to F.H. K home. Stand across from gay guy who tries to be cold to me. He gets off at Miramar. Go to W.F. Check out with seasonal worker who’s very friendly.

December 3 dream:  Lots of little kids in marching band, falling together in formation.

December 3 dream:  Walking thru south central part of S.F. where I don’t usually spend a lot of time. I think this is the area to be. Not the East Bay as I had thought.

December 2, 2024:  #29 and #38 to VA in a.m. Renew VA card. Go to La Promenade Café. Walk to G.C.P. Hot young Asian guy in silk shorts. I take photo. Friendly skateboarder. I take photo. Get two anonymous calls. First from “Private Number.” Second sounds like John’s voice, but from a distance. Walk thru G.G.P. to 9th Avenue. Connect briefly with long-haired guy walking his dog just outside the botanical garden. On 9th Avenue, see guy in black silky shorts get on #44. I follow him on. He gets off after one block. I go on to G.P. Willow still at C.B. Lee there, too. Go to library. See Victor at Canyon Market. Take #52 to F.H. Young guy opens door for me twice, smiling the second time. K home. Go to W.F. See Johnny. Check out with Allen. Realize I may have gotten thrush from taking antibiotics for my cold/flu. See fun photo of stepsister Laurie on FB. Think about commenting, but don’t really want to get involved with them much any more.

December 2 dream:  Sam Seder plays “Make America Trump Again” song. (h.o.)

December 2 dream:  Barack Obama was going to tell us about his encounters with UFOs. I was standing in anticipation. He’s being held up.

December 2 dream:  Hyperlink to “Jesus.”

December 1, 2024:  Suzanne memorial online at 11 a.m. About 25 people attend. I shared my Suzanne story. (*See first dream of November 30.) Get call as I’m about to take shower. I say, “I cant’ talk right now. I’m taking a shower..” In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. See my old Chinese lady friend. Willow at C.B. (again!) Go to library. Start The Enneagram Book. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 to F.H. K home. Beautiful guy gets on K with me. I sit across from him. As he exits, he makes a big deal about checking out his reflection in the windows of the train. Go to W.F. Meet Ben in bakery dept. He shows me Tiger’s Eye ring he made just today. Talk with Johnny briefly about the election. Then run into him again on the way out.

December 1 dream:  New guy is working with me. I like him a lot. He jumps off ledge and isn’t hurt. Other guy brings me fish sticks from below. The tartar sauce falls off. I wake up shaken. (*Relates to well-built, friendly black guy in C.B. on December 3, I think.).

November 30, 2024:  Call Jun in a.m. to see if he’s really going to be open on December 25. He asks me to move my appointment from 3 p.m. to noon. I agree. Get anonymous call after. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Zen comes in. I feel obliged to offer him a seat at my table, but he sits on his own. We talk on my way out. Go to library. Finish Caged Bird. Maya ends book by quoting her mother; “You don’t have to worry about doing the right thing. If you’re for the right thing, then you do it without thinking.” Talk to Miles on way out. I think he wanted me to ask him out. (*Relates to fat mouse from hier?) Walk up #52 route to M.S. See “Sir Allen.” Then check out with Ben. Then see “Sir Allen” again on my way out. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole and Allen. Allen is going thru calendars. I say, “I only like Van Gogh.” He finds a Van Gogh calendar and I buy it. And it has bright colors, not overlaid with a dark shadow like my calendar from last year. I take that as a good omen. See “11:11” in p.m.

November 30 dream:  Thane pretty drunk at party. I try to avoid him. He tells me something. I can’t tell what he’s saying. Al H. there too. (*Relates to Suzanne Deakins memorial on December 1. I share my story of Suzanne: “We were attending the online Friday Prosperos Roundtable discussion. Suzanne was a formidable speaker and tended to dominate the discussion. There is some technical difficulty. Suzanne says, ‘I muted myself.’ I say, ‘And that’s rare.’ People laugh. I hope I am not required to say anything more because I’m 3 feet above my head and I can’t reach my mouth. So I credit Suzanne with my first and only out of body experience.” Al H. relates to Michael Kelly, I think.)

November 30 dream:  “wonderful shareholders.”

November 29, 2024:  in ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Library closed today. Walk to G.C.P. Fat mouse approaches me and doesn’t run away. I say to him, “You’re not afraid of me, are you?” He stays there ’til man and dog pass by. Go to M.S. Check out with Ben. He tells me he had “hot pot” on T-day. #52 to F.H. K home. Feel jumpy happy entering W.F. See Johnny. See Virginia. Hot guy stands next to me for a few minutes. I wait with him. Then he walks off. Then walk thru aisles. Guy half way down aisle smiles at me like we’re old friends. I smile back and approach him. I say, “Did you find what you’re looking for?” He shows me small bottle of lemonade. They’re charging $3.59 for it. I say, “It’s a little expensive though.” Johnny walks by as we’re talking.

November 29 dream:  Kissing my new boyfriend (Michael Walker of Novara Live). 

November 28, 2024:  Go to W.F to get money for Tommy’s Joynt. See cute guy in vegetable dept. As I exit see Allen at turkey table. He looks very cool wearing dark glasses. Then see cute vegetable guy again. Take #49 to Tommy’s Joynt. Have turkey dinner with John F. Connect with young teen server. Walk home via Mission Street. See “Perfect.” W.F. is closed. Buy coffee pint of ice cream and chocolate cookie at liquor store. Tell myself that I deserve it. And it works.

November 27, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Also guy in corner I just noticed as I was leaving. Go to library. I thought they’d stay open ’til 8 p.m. But they closed at 5. So I wait for #52 to go to Eureka library in the Castro. As I wait, see guy from C.B. Take #52 and K to Castro. Eureka library closed, too. Go to 440 Club. Feel childlike as I enter. Go to urinal. Then, on exiting, bartender heads towards me and gives me a dirty look. I wonder if he is mad that I just used the urinal and didn’t buy any drinks. Later see Namantha in front of his resto. His back is to me so I just walk by. Walk up 18th Street to Portola to Glenview. Realize bartender giving me dirty look is probably John’s boyfriend. Makes me happy for some reason. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. See Virginia. No deviled eggs today.

November 27 dream:  Invite two friends to my new apartment. They bring about 30 people with them. Some are singing. Some are fucking. I say, “They’re going to kill me. You can’t have all those people out there.” So they all leave, I think. But the two stay.

November 26, 2024:  Donovan and helper give me new washer and drier. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Caged Bird. Say hello to Miles and Librarian No. 4. See #35 approaching G.P. Decide not to take it back to Castro. Walk up #52 route Shits at Safeway D.H. Walk to Glenview. #52 to F.H. K home.

November 26 dream:  Feel really uncomfortable at Aunt Joanne’s place.

November 25, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Guy on #29 exits with me at San Jose Avenue. We ride J together. I fantasize about letting him fuck me. Mark at C.B. Also Lee. Later mini-Mark, guy who looks like Mark’s cuter, shorter, younger brother comes in and goes. Woman with gray hair comments on my red pants. Go to library. Read more from Caged Bird. Maya has moved to S.F. as a high school girl who goes to Washington High School here. Talk with Librarian No. 3, whose name, I found out, is Miles. Take shits at library. Walk up #52 route to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. Guy in shorts on cold evening at F.H. K home. Catch eye of guy with biceps and gold wedding ring. As I check him out, he fingers his wedding ring.

November 25 dream:  Come home to slightly different apartment. Try chocolates I just bought. They’re not very good and wrapped haphazardly. (h.o.)

November 24, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Walk and #49 and J to G.P. Friendly Asian guy smiles and says, “Hello, brother” on Ocean Avenue. Mark at C.B. Also “Zen” Zheng (aka Jai Qi) who I last saw on August 11. He’s thinking of changing his first name to Zen. We talked about an hour. Go to library briefly. Talk with Librarian No. 4 about Caged Bird. See #35 bus coming into G.P but decide not to take it back to the Castro. Walk thru G.C.P. It’s getting dark. See black dog walking calmly on path below me. No owner around. Go to M.S. See Angel. Check out with Ben. We talk about Thanksgiving. I tell him I’m going to Tommy’s Joynt. He tells me he’ll be working that day. Am very moved by him. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Derek at next station. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. John A. calls me in p.m. Talks my ear off for about an hour. Then accuses me of not talking enough.

November 24 dream:  Calvin at meeting in the dark. I go in and ask him if the church is set up for a service which will immediately follow this meeting. He wants to know if I’m offering to set up the church. I say I only want to know the status.

November 23, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Also cute guy comes in . Then really cute and cute-acting guy come sin. I give up trying to connect with the latter guy. As i’m about to leave, Walter L. comes in with a suitcase. I say, “Are you leaving the country?” He’s returning from two week retreat. We talk a while. He says he’s optimistic about our current crisis. I agree. Go to library. Read more from Caged Bird. Walk up #52 route. No rain today but feel “shittier” and “shittier.” Take shits at unlocked porta-potty. Can’t wipe my ass well so I want to rush home. Catch #52 to F.H. K home. I’m trying to avoid people so they won’t smell me. Cute bubbly Asian guy and his guy friend board train and they sit about half a train car away. We exchange looks. He smiles at me. Then waves. I wave back. Walking up back entrance, meet cute Asian guy moving in with woman behind him. He tells me he’s moving into No. 214.

November 23 dream:  Actor using his roles as therapy.

November 22, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Calvin calls just before I step out. It’s raining. #29 and walk to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Caged Bird. Talk with Librarian No. 4 briefly. Walk up #52 route. It’s not raining much. #52 bus not coming for 29 minutes. Rain increases. Walk to Clipper Street and get #48 to Woodside. Being stuck in the rain makes me mad. #44 to F.H. K home. Worry a about getting sick due to walking in the cold and rain. Take lots of vitamins and do some Translating too. Also no obvious manifestation from my shits of hier.

November 22 dream:  I’m asked to stand and speak on behalf of someone’s campaign. Then we all stand together. Then we are on this big beautiful modern ship. The bow of the ship goes underwater. I say to myself, “I trust this ship completely.” Earlier we were on a smaller, less trustworthy boat. I look forward to a time when we are in calmer waters on the big ship.

November 22 dream:  Going with group of 6-8 people, some who I never met before, to event. But first I go to post office. See Jeannie Maher (my former supervisor) at reception desk. She’s dressed in beautiful blue jacket. She looks really great. I say to her, “I didn’t know you worked here, too.” She says, “You would if you read a certain company newsletter.”

November 21, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Take K to Church Street for dental appointment at 3 p.m. Then walk to Csatro. #35 is just about to leave for G.P. so I get on. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read from Caged Bird. Joke with Robert (Librarian No. 2) about kid-size Mickey Mouse sitting in the corner. Read email from Gwyllm L. (Suzanne’s brother) that Suzanne D. has died. Makes me want to connect with John. #35 is just one minute away so I take it to Castro. As I board, passing guy smiles at me excitedly. Go to 440 Club. Nothing there. Walk down Castro. Run into Namantha standing outside his resto. He invites me in to have a salmon dinner. I agree. He’s very friendly to me, but he also calls me “Sir” a lot. I tell him and the cooks that the salmon was great. He says, “That’s because it was done with love.” I agree and touch his shoulder. He says, “So I’ll see you again tomorrow?” I laugh. Go to Castro Station. Pass 440 Club but don’t go in. Decide to walk up Corbett Avenue instead. I walk all the way to M.S., feeling “shittier’ and “shittier.” Take shits at M.S. I see Ben on way to restroom. Later check out with him and Derek. Ben tells me that he did vote after all. I ask if he was pleased with the outcome. He says he wasn’t. I say I wasn’t either. #43 to F.H. K home.

November 21 dream:  Me waiting for person ahead of me to find form for her library card. Twice on the form where it says “1”, I write in “2.” Don’t know why I did that. She didn’t notice it. I was in S.F. Lots of construction going on. Stack of pallets. Stepsister Laurie wants me to move out of the city. Lady there says downtown San Jose library is really nice. I agree. She can’t find form she is looking for. I wonder why I’m sleeping in her office.

November 21 dream:  Go to Prosperos celebration sponsored by the Navy. They complained that girl in my group was young and gay.

November 20, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Get Calvin’s “hands” painting in the mail. Don’t open it right away. Walk and #49 and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Caged Bird. It’s slightly raining so I take #52 to F.H. K home. Connect with gay guy on K. Go to W.F. Check out with Allen. He sees me make a specific effort to check out with him. And he smiles. Open Calvin’s painting. I really like it (I think). So I call Calvin right away. He invites me to his birthday party in Palm Springs on January 3. I don’t respond. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: My country is becoming fascist and there’s nothing I can do about it. Conclusion: Truth is the only form of government, a dictatorship of oneness, helping itself, loving itself.

November 20 dream:  Three resorts at the border.

November 20 dream:  Having a Jewish mother.

November 19, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and j to G.P. Run into my Chinese old lady friend on J. Mark at C.B. He gives me his birth info. I do chart for him and email it to him. I get mad, trying to figure out how to let him know I’d sent the email. So I don’t tell him since he’ll get it any way. (I think, like with Lee, I was feeling obliged to be servile to him as I used to be with my father.) Go to library. Read more from Caged Bird. Read about Maya’s childhood rape as an 8-year-old by her mother’s boyfriend. She talks about how she loved the part where he held her. It reminded me that as an 8-year-old or 9-year-old you don’t really know what sex is and what’s going on. This is the point where Maya stops talking for the most part for many years. So that made me forgive myself a little more for how I reacted to my father.. (*Relates, I think, to coyote hier.) Walk up #52 route to F.H. K home. As I enter back door, nice-looking black guy walks behind me. I get a glimpse of his face. For some reason, his eye lashes tell me he’s a good guy. He starts chatting up woman taking cigarette break there. I am trying to enter my door code but it doesn’t work for the first 2 or 3 times. Black guy says, “I’m new to the area.”

November 19 dream:  Move in with new roommate, but he’s off to do something with woman who stops by.

November 18, 2024:  Wake up two hours earlier than usual. Can’t get back to sleep. Then get anonymous call from John, I think. I say, “I was just thinking, ‘I haven’t heard from you today.’ And here you are.” Caller hangs up. Finish online work. Some pelvic pain. Some kind of birth pain? Take nap. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Caged Bird. Walk up #52 route to W.G. at Diamond Heights. Then to CVS. Hear sole coyote howling at Portola and Twin Peaks Boulevard. Tall, beautiful Asian man entering CVS with his mother, I think. I do double-take. He smiles self-consciously. #43 home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Watch Ken Burns’ Leonardo da Vinci in p.m. Not as great as I anticipated.

November 18 nap dream: Two guys “fight” in basement. I ask woman what she thought of it. She walks away from me. It wasn’t really much of a fight.

November 18 dream:  Get together with guy.

November 17, 2024:  in ’til 3ish. K and #49 and J to G.P. Guy on #49 checks out my ass. Mark at C.B. Lee there, too. At one point I find myself feeling obliged to please him (like I would my father). So I resist the temptation. Go to library. Talk with Librarian No. 4 about I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. She said she read it years ago. I say, “I’m reading it ’cause I heard it was banned in Florida.” Start book. Feel bouncy happy on leaving library. Walk thru G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. My $50 flashlight dims away to nothing. Order new one online. Realize flashback of August 13, 2023 was not me saying to my father, “Fuck me! Fuck me!” but “Love me! Love me!”

November 17 dream:  At party, Thane asks me, “Can you get me some acetone?” I figure out he was talking about his heart pills. Someone gets it for him.

November 17 dream:  Robin Williams and other comedian talk about being in Times Square but at different times. I try to count the number of times I was there, too. Only I passed out Occupy literature. I want a tuna fish sandwich. And one appears on shelf (without plate or wrapping) at hippie store, exactly as I imagined it.

November 16, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K and #49 and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Watch YouTube on my cellphone. Talk with Librarian No. 3 about I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. I decide to check it out (again) since I heard that Florida banned it. Librarian No. 3 wants me to let him know how I like it. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Talk briefly with Angel and Ben. Check out with Ian who’s going to take an electronics test in a few days for a possible apprenticeship. Derek there but we don’t connect. Meet h.s. sophomore at Woodside Avenue bus stop. He offers to carry one of my three bags. At one point he says, “What did you want to do when you were in high school?” I say, “I wanted to get away from my father.” We continue talking on #44. I get off at F.H. K home.

November 16 dream:  Dream of shirtless Roger Daltrey.

November 15, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Waiting for #29, see guy who lifted up his shirt for me on October 18. We have some incredible eye contact. I sit next to him on bus, hoping I would get the opportunity to touch him somehow, but I needed to get off soon. See other cute smiling guy as I exit. I twirl around for him. I think the Universe was giving a lesson not only to first guy, but to me as well. J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Calvin calls. We talk about his “hands” painting which I asked him to do for me. Leave C.B. Feel really happy. Do little dance. Go to library. Review Secret Destiny about General McClellan’s dream. Walk up #52 route to Safeway Diamond Heights. Have trouble finding Impossible Burgers. Continue walk to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. K home.

November 15 dream:  Walking thru familiar part of town in the dark. Run into guy I know. He’s wearing same shirt that I have. I joke, “I’ll have to give you my phone number so we can wear it at the same time.”

November 14, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Boy with lollipop in his mouth on J. When I get off at G.P. he’s still on. Then I see him at crosswalk a few minutes later. Mark at C.B . Go to library. Read more from Secret Destiny. Read about General McClellan’s dream in which the spirit of George Washington comes to him in a dream and tells him about Confederate troop movements. Another part of the dream says that there would be another major challenge to democracy in this country in the next [20th] century. I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of answer Mr. Washington might have for our current crisis. See #35 bus on way into G.P. but decide not to take it to the Castro. Walk up #52 route to F.H. K home.

November 14 dream:  John moved to a nicer apartment.

November 13, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Talk with Robert about his “diamond” stud earring. Read more from Secret. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Check out with Derek. We talk about the election but only on the surface because I know he’s a Trump supporter. As I leave, I inadvertantly  reveal how hurt I was by what the Trump supporters did. Talk with “Haircut Ed” on way out. See “Total Win-Win!” in my refrigerator. Hear “Ft. Collins.” Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: In a democracy, the voters decide what is right/sane. Conclusion: The emotion of Truth is harmonious, infinite, and sane.

November 13 dream:  Sleeping in room with lots of lots of scorpions running around.

November 13 dream:  In love circle, holding hands with guy I didn’t particularly like.

November 12, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Librarian No. 3 has a buzz cut and is wearing an orange Tam. I tell him he looks like a British military guy. He says, “I’ll take that as a compliment.” I say, “That’s how I meant it.” Read more from Secret Destiny. I think I read it before but still enjoying it. Especially after the election. Walk up #52 route to Glenview. #52 to F.H. K home. Insight: Realize that my father used to love me (and my brother Tom), but as soon as he remarried, he didn’t allow himself  that freedom any more. Before he remarried, he used to come in and spank me and my brother for talking into the night, but he would always apologize for doing it. And he’d blame my mother.

November 12 dream:  I call a guy at work a skinny little rat ’cause he made fun of me earlier.

November 12 dream:  Choose “tetra” on crossword puzzle to describe my people.

November 12 dream:  Preparing “Tetra” tax form.

November 12 dream:  Trying to get peppermint ice cream cone. Can’t remember what it’s called.

November 11, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also “dancer” guy who I met on October 30. Library closed today. Walk up #52 route to Safeway Diamond Heights. Then to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Johnny there. Check out with Isa who thinks I’m coming on to her.

November 11 dream:  Getting in line for big event coming up.

November 11 dream:  Something about 25. (h.o.)

November 10, 2024:  Rough nite last nite, I think in preparation for attending the Prosperos Sunday Meeting on Zoom at 11 a.m. Left me with bad taste in my mouth. (*See dream of November 9.) In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also hot guy who sort of smiles at me. Go to library briefly. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear owl. Also hear scary, loud, growling dog, but don’t see one. For a second, I think of turning back. Then decide to go ahead. Walk to Woodland Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole across from Johnny and new guy I’d never seen before.

November 10 dream:  Catch up with Kathy Warfield for a lunch date. She’s sitting on marble bench in work lobby, wearing a white plastic fluffy blouse.

November 10 dream:  I’m supposed to run off a bunch of papers like a movie.

November 9, 2024:  Anonymous call from Summer Bar & Grill. Caller says nothing. In ’til 3ish. It appears neighbor is moving out. Not sure. She was the one who invited me over for whiskey. K and #49 and J to G.P. See “Ready” on passing truck. Willow at C.B. Fat guy comes in. I fantasize about him ravishing me. Fun but also scary. Go to library. Watch YT wrestling videos. Walk up #52 route all the way to F.H. Hear lots of coyotes in front of Laguna Honda Hospital. I never knew they were there. Got idea to email stepsister Nancy to continue discussion about my father which I cut off about a year ago. (*I think the coyotes relate to Nancy receiving my email.) Here’s my email: “I don’t remember exactly where we left off in our conversation last year about Dad.  I think you offered to discuss things, but I refused your offer. Sorry. Let me just say, if there’s anything you think I should know about Dad or the family that I might not know, please let me know. Thanks.“ Take K home. Little boy on K walks up to me smiling. Go to W.F. Check out with Allen. He’s taking a class in cost accounting.

November 9 dream:  Get Kathy Warfield to ask me to go to lunch with her. Then go with two guys someplace I’d been before. Woman with large breasts. (*Relates to attending Prosperos Sunday Meeting on Zoom on November 10, I think.)

November 8, 2024:  Realize my back spasms on June 23, 2024 may have been a physical premonition of Trump’s win. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. See attractive guy on San Jose Avenue. Get off J to follow him, but I lose him. Then walk to G.P. Mark at C.B. All the tables are full. I sit on empty seat next to guy who smiled at me. His name is Darius. He’s a coder who lives on Arbor Street. While I’m talking to him, we hear a car crash outside. I think it relates to our conversation. Go to library. Start ˆThe Secret Destiny of America by Manly P. Hall. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. Waiting for K, sexy young woman sitting next to me asks if she can take my picture. I say “Sure.” I ask her for her Instagram address which she gives me. I also give her my ZontaPhotos address. K home.

November 7, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Waiting for #29. Just as bus arrives, tall young Asian man dressed in black smiles at me. I miss bus to follow him but he disappears. Catch second #29 bus which followed immediately. Sitting on aisle seat, cute young Latino man dressed in red brushes up against my leg. Skip J today so I can be sure to get election day Chron at liquor store. Walk to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also Lee. Hs wife Judith is counting ballots at City Hall. Go to library. Scan through I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. See #35 coming in from the Castro but decide not to take it back to the Castro. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. See Allen. Memory: Trump’s victory reminds me of the feeling I had when my father was victorious over me.

November 7 dream:  Someone has kept record of who did what and when. (h.o.)

November 7 dream:  Find video “9258539” link. Try to capture it for the BB.

November 7 dream:  Cat wearing skin-tight boots covering more than its legs, looks like it wants to be unzipped. So I do.

November 7 dream:  Links 828064 and others go to …

November 7 dream:  Overweight black woman in black trying to make basket on basketball court.

November 6, 2024:  Get up early. Work on BB. Take 3 hour nap. In ’til 3ish. K and walk to G.P. Willow at C..B. Go to library. Return DVDs to Robert. Unconsciously look for reassurance from him. Don’t get it. Also talk with Librarian No. 4. Read from The Superior Man. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Then wait for #43. Just as bus arrives, black guy in passing car yells at me, “Looking good today.” I was wearing my white sweatpants. As I exit #43, I connect with young biracial guy. Then with other young guy waiting in line to get on bus. K home. Translate in p.am. Sense testimony: Some men would rather be led by a criminal con man than by a pretty woman. Conclusion: Androgynous personhood is a given.

November 6 dream:  Rush to take pee. Guy wants to play me recorded message. I pee on somebody’s bed. Apparently, it’s okay since somebody else had done it before.

November 5, 2024:  Election day. In ’til 3ish. #49 and j to G.P. Willow at C.B. Also Lee who tells me his wife’s name is Judith, not Judy. Go to library. Connect with Librarians Nos. 3 and 4. Read from chapter from The Future Does Not Compute. Feel bouncy happy walking up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Bad night for America and the world. Shits about 11:30 p.m. Gusts of wind in late p.m.

November 5 dream:  Video of Thom Hartmann playing in hospital with mask on to pretend he was somebody else.

November 5 dream:  Some nice woman offering to brush my teeth. I let her.

November 4, 2024:  in ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Finish Presidents. Walk up #52 route to Woodside. Come up with quote: “Everybody has the right to feel sexy … even Jesus, even Buddha, even Muhammad, even Mary Baker Eddy.” #36 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Wearing my magic red pants. Johnny helps me check out. See Javier on way out. Calvin calls in p.m. Listening to YT video on shamanism, hear that part of hero’s journey is having a sickness which cannot be cured with medicine.

November 3, 2024:  In ’til 2:30ish. Walk and J to G.P. Beautiful skateboarder passes me while I was waiting for the J. Willow at C.B. Go to library. Read more about Nixon and Ellsberg in Presidents. Talk briefly with Librarian Nos. 1 and 4. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. Talk with Derek who salutes me (’cause I won’t have sex with him, he thinks). “Sir Allen” nearby. They have orange slices today! I share my excitement with Angel. Check out with Ed and Stacy. Ed’s wearing gold watch his father gave him when he was 13. See Ben at adjacent checkout station so I pick up something so I can check out with him also. He says he’s not going to vote. See Ian at next station. Also young black man with “Vote for Lurie” T-shirt. We talk briefly. He’s studying to be a fireman. #44 to F.H. K home. Stop by W.F. See Johnny briefly on exiting.

November 3 dream:  Cute guy and I about to have sex. It’s 11:30ish. And I want to meet him at home.

November 2, 2024:  Jerk off in a.m. Get anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Very crowded. Go to library briefly. Walk thru G.C.P. R.C. restroom closed so I take pee in secluded area and don’t tie drawstring on my magic red pants. Walk to M.S. Orange slices in! Talk briefly with Ben as he is stocking shelves. Check out with a very friendly Ian. #44 to F.H. Realize my magic red pants are loose. It turns me on. Have desire to be stripped and fucked, just like flashback from August 13, 2023. (*Relates to coyotes howling from hier in G.C.P., I think. Coyotes usually mean that somebody else is howling about something I’ve said or done. In the case, it was me howling about my own realization, I think. Also, my pelvic pain could relate to my efforts to suppress this part of myself. So I can’t really blame my father for this. This is just me.)  K home.

November 2 dream:  26 names for my father are all used up. Only 4 names remain.

November 2 dream:  Guy charging $1,100 for astrological reading. Most of the others in the building charge around $70.

November 2 dream:  Searching for October 23.

November 1, 2024:  Sleep in later than usual. In ’til about 3:30ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Accidentally get chocolate chip cookie instead of oatmeal. Not too painful as it usually is. Go to library. Read about MLK, Jr., in Presidents. Talk with Robert and other librarian. Walk to G.C.P. Take shtis at R.C. Get anonymous call at G.C.P. Caller says nothing. I say, “Thanks for calling.” Walk thru upper level of G.C.P. Hear lots of coyotes. #48 to Woodside Avenue. Walk to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Allen and Johnny nearby. Accidentally walk up to 4th floor instead of my home on the 3rd floor.

November 1 dream:  Biden should step down (or Obama should).

November 1 dream:  Visit some grand cities. Offer to each money.

October 31, 2024:  Get email from Calvin agreeing to do painting of black and white hands clasping. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Sit next to cute guy but don’t feel open to speak to him ’til he’s about to leave. I say, “Did you forget your costume?” He says he used to work for the Forest Service but now works for PG&E. His name is Dan. He just moved to Chenery Street in G.P. Later guy comes in with friend. He is mouth-gapingly hot. I think he smiles as I can’t tear my eyes away. Go to library. Read more from Presidents. Read about Truman and how much more open he was to civil rights than FDR. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Take shits on M.S. Talk briefly with Ben. Check out with Ian who’s very friendly today. Go to burrito place. Get call from political campaign. She asks if I have anyone in my family who is incarcerated. I say, “No, but I have some people in my family who should be incarcerated.”

October 31 dream:  Come home. Someone is sharing the house with a black couple. It has been repainted with very bright flowers on the walls. John is there. He looks very handsome. He goes down steps. Then comes back.

October 30, 2024:  Get sexually excited by YT wrestling video. Get anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. #49 and BART to G.P. Mark at C.B. Meet tall, well-built coder. I ask him if he’s a dancer. He isn’t. Man comes in who looks a lot like Daniel Lurie, SF mayoral candidate. It is Daniel Lurie! I’m the only one who recognizes him. So we shake hands. Later I tell Mark and my “dancer” friend who he is. Go to library. Read more from Presidents. About Woodrow Wilson and his anti-Reconstruction attitude while at the same time vigorously supporting creation of a League of Nations. Reading this book inspires me to ask Calvin if he will repaint the water color he did for me 50 years ago of black and white hands clasping. Because slavery is the original sin of this country which we are still reckoning with. Walk up #52 route to Glenview. #52 to F.H. K home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Neuropathy can be a debilitating disease. Conclusion: Sensation is strong, easy, happy and well.

October 30 dream:  Getting ready to go out. My plants are doing really well. Have to put things in place on both sides of the ledger.

October 30 dream:  Woman on board caboose of train asks if I have any cat nip. Old cats like to shits on those below them in the hierarchy.

October 30 dream:  Black guy whispers to me, “Open up.” 

October 29, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Submit ballot in mail. K and J to G.P. Willow at C.B. Loud Latinos at C.B. Go to library. Librarian No. 3 asks me about my photography. I give him my website. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Talk with Angel. Say hello to Ben and “Sir Allen.” Ride by shoe repair place. They’re open! So I stop in and pick up my new understanding (my new shoes). Go to W.F. Check out with Johnny. Cruise very beautiful guy with skin-tight white pants, a cast on his leg and a dog. He’s not sure how to react. Shits in p.m.

October 29 dream:  Starting out at boot camp in the Navy. Half Navy, half Army. I’m in the Navy. Drill instructor says when they divide up into red and blue, I’m supposed to keep the kit.

October 29 dream:  Am walking around room with 15 or so others in a room walled with mirrors. I see someone I know. I say, “Oh, David. Oh, David.” He says, “What a beautiful language we have.”

October 29 dream:  Drousser.

October 29 dream:  Carol Burnett came to visit me and Billye Talmadge.

October 28, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and walk to G.P. Mark at C.B. Talk with guy about investing in tech. Anonymous caller stays on the line for over two hours. Go to library. Read more from Presidents. Walk up #52 route. Go to Safeway Diamond Heights. Black security guard there sees my Kamala button and says “I can have a drink with you!” I say, “Good.” Walk to Duncan Street. #52 to F.H. K home. Johnny B. Goode shoe repair is open so I stop in. He says shoes will be ready tomorrow. See cute guy at Poke Bowl so I stop in and order something to go. Memory: Me trying to like baseball so I could make my father happy. Other memory: My father being swarmed by bees and having to jump into the pool.

October 28 dream:  Hard-on. dream.

October 28 dream:  Cat 2 for the city.

October 27, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark and Willow at C.B. Also Lee and his wife Judy. Go to library. Read more from Presidents. Cute little Chinese girl comes up to me and says “Papa?” I smile. Walk thru G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. Follow guy through “closed” exit to park. #36 to F.H. K home. Go to W.G. Then W.F. See Cole and Johnny. See “11:11” in p.m.

October 27 dream:  Getting to know rich woman and others. (h.o.)

October 27 dream:  Trying to get woman to point out to me where her car is instead of running off. Follow her to encampment of lesbians or what looked like lesbians.

October 26, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Walk and #49 and J to G.P. Willow (black barista) at C.B. Go to library. Read about the Gettyburg address from The Presidents and the People: ”Lincoln began by implicitly changing the birth date of the country: not with the birth of the Constitution in 1787, but ‘four score and seven years ago’–the signing of the Declaration of Independence in 1776. In this way, the nation wasn’t conceived in a charter of compromise … but rather was ‘conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.’” I’d never thought of that before. Talk briefly with Librarian No. 3. He’s still reading A Sentimental Education by Flaubert. Walk up #52 route to F.H. K home. Admire guy on K exiting at Miramar. He smiles at me. I fall apart. Memory: Stepsister Laurie told me hier that her father didn’t beat them, but he did beat Harriet, my stepmother. Made me mad.

October 26 dream:  Move to happy house. Take lesson. Do leg lifts. Girl talks about eating whatever she finds. More lessons in the afternoon.

October 25, 2024:  Shits in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #43 to Cole Valley. Really hot, dark-skinned, bearded guy gets on . He has camera around his neck, just like me. No opportunity to connect with him. He gets off on 9th Avenue. I get off one block early to see if Cole Hardware has live Xmas trees. As I pass store, guy who looks like an old, stooped version of John exits store. I catch up with him and repeat what Cole worker asked him, “Did you find what you want?” He says, “Yes, I did. How about you?” I say, “Not yet.” Meet stepsister Laurie in front of Crepes on Cole. We talk about an hour and a half. Then I take #37 to Castro. Stop by 440 Club urinal. Walk down Castro. See Namantha. Take photo of suitcase with shoes on top between two planters. Guy on corner tells me that’s such a San Francisco photo op. Walk up 18th Street to Portola to Woodside Avenue. #36 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Get veggie sandwich from cute guy at sandwich counter. Check out with Cole. Shits in p.m.

October 25 dream:  Chicken for dinner.

October 25 dream:  Six.

October 25 dream:  “we did it.”

October 25 dream:  vicuna.

October 25 dream:  Teacher: “How are things at home?” I know I just have a few more days of school.

October 24, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also really hot guy. As soon as I notice hot guy, get anonymous call. And as soon as he sits down, I lose interest in him. Go to library. Read about Frederick Douglass and Lincoln. Walk up #52 route to Safeway Diamond Heights. Ask cute worker there who guided me to Asian Sesame salad dressing a few days ago. I had to point out oranges on his cellphone. They don’t have any, but he’s very cute and very sweet. Walk to M.S. Talk with Angel about orange slices. Check out with Ed. Go to burrito place. #43 to F.H. K home. Fire alarm at 11:30ish p.m.

October 24 dream:  I run into a really tall Michael Kelly on upper Polk Street. There is snow on the ground. Michael is looking for somebody.

October 24 dream:  Woman in yacht she never takes out.

October 24 dream:  Four people audition. Three of them get it. 4th doesn’t.

October 24 dream:  Tell my work friends I just got back from trip to Paris and Turkey.

October 24 dream:  Older black doctor guy who uses heroin.

October 23, 2024:  In ’til 2ish. BART to Oakland VA. Follow guy onto BART. He walks to next car. I follow him. He exits in S.F. I stay on. I see guy with big Afro sitting in back seat. Other black guy gives me a dirty look. I sit in front of first guy. I stand up to get off at 12th Street, Oakland. I get anonymous call. He gets up and exits before me. I follow him up escalator. He grabs his butt. He sits on park bench. I take photo of the Tribute building and walk to my VA appointment. After appointment, follow guy past pot club. Door greeter smiles at me. Walk up Telegraph Avenue. Kimo not at “Grab & Go.” Buy Twinkies there. Go to Omni Commons building on Shattuck. Not as impressive as the photos. Go to gas station to buy something salty. Cute guy with tats smiles at me when he almost forgets to give me what I bought. Continue up Telegraph to Berkeley. Can’t find cafe that used to be there. Walk thru Sproul Plaza to Shattuck bus stop. Cross street to check out building I took photo of earlier. It’s an apartment building. On way back, see “Picture Perfect.” Take F bus to S.F. Meet Wes at Embarcadero Station. He is on crutches due to volleyball accident. I give him my ZontaPhotos website address. Sit next to cute guy on K who gets off at Junipero Serra. Go to McD’s. Go home. See “The End” at end of A Place to Call Home, Season 2. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: A cold/flu is the body’s way of expressing grief. Conclusion: Truth is an unburdened, happy Body.

October 23 dream:  Looking for apartment thru Medicare. To be eligible, one must be a user of Medicare.

October 22, 2024:  Online VA appointment in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Take #29 and #38 to VA to pick up meds. Meet Kai on #29. He’s a new student at SFSU and mentions that he’s headed for Haight Street. See Noble Field at VA. She’s in a wheelchair ordering somebody to do something on her cellphone. After VA, go to La Promenade Cafe. Connect with Asian guy on my way to the restroom. When I return, he and his girlfriend are gone. Take #31 to 6th Avenue. Connect with two guys on #31. Walk up 6th Avenue to G.G.P. Skatepark. Lock eyes with guy on skates. Walk to Haight Street. Then walk up Cole Street to #37 to the Castro. Go to 440 Club urinal. Connect with guy with hairy legs crossed, wearing shorts, on way out. Take K home. Skateboarder on K. Meet Aden at Poke Bowl. Go to W.F.

October 22 dream:  Guy says he’s fallen in love with me. It takes a while but I think I fell in love with him as well.

October 22 dream:  Somebody wants me to take my shirt off. I don’t have an undershirt on.

October 22 dream:  Meet Michael Kelly on upper Polk Street. It feels like winter. There’s snow on the ground. He’s upset ’cause he’s trying to get in touch with somebody.

October 21, 2024:  Call VA. Set up video appointment for my cold. In ’til 3ish. #29 and walk on S.J. Avenue. Walk into street so I can connect with guy working on his car. I do. He smiles at me. Other guy there gives me dirty look. Take J to G.P. Cute guy on Diamond Street. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Talk with Librarian No. 3. He’s reading short plays his father recommended. Read from The Presidents and the People, which is about five presidents who tried to undermine democracy in this country, from John Adams to Richard Nixon. Old man sits next to me. Then stands up and puts on his jacket. Then farts two or three times. Then leaves. Walk up #52 route to Safeway D.H. Am thrilled that they have the decaffeinated green tea brand I usually buy at M.S. Walk to Glenview. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to Poke Bowl. Cute young men there. Walk thru W.F. See Johnny. Watch Season 2 of A Place to Call Home. Remember that watching Season 1 was when I started getting sick.

October 21 dream:  Big constructions project in L.A. I’m sitting on a cliff with no visible means of support.

October 20, 2024:  Get email from stepsister Laurie inviting me to get together with her. I agree to the time and date. Then get anonymous call. I text message back to caller, “I’ll be at ‘Crepe’s on Cole’ this Friday at 4 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk and #49 and J to G.P. Cute young guy pacing nervously at Bosworth and Diamond. I go to C.B. Mark there. I go back to check on pacing young man. He has been joined by slightly older guy. Then both are checking their phones and getting ready to take the approaching #36 bus. Go to library briefly. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Get in line behind guy with huge pile of groceries at Derek’s checkout station. Derek just got a buzz cut and when Ed opens up his station and invites me, I say, “I want to check out with this guy.” Derek says, “Right answer.” Derek and I banter for a while. I say, “I thought maybe you got your haircut from [Haircut] Ed.” As I leave M.S., I notice Ben at other checkout station. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole.

October 20 dream:  Ghost of child appears in place of father. It really scares me. Then cats in the neighborhood stop by. Then dog.

October 19, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Run into my old Chinese lady friend at Lee and Ocean. We take #29 and J to G.P. They don’t stop at her stop. She stays on. Black barista at C.B. Walk across street to check out guy sitting outside cafe. Go to library. Finish Unseen. Talk with Librarian No. 3 about writing. He says he’s not a writer. Walk up #52 route. Meet Owen on Diamond Heights Blvd. He takes photos, too. Mostly sports photos and he charges $1 or $2 for them. #44 to F.H. K home.

October 19 dream:  Driving through crowded intersection. Paellaen Bank van drives by. They received award for being a good bank. I wave at them.

October 18, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Some anonymous calls. Waiting for #29, notice cute guy. I decide to stick around to see what he does. He pulls up his shirt for me. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Unseen. Walk up #52 route to Woodside. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Johnny and Allen. See: “It’ll be right on time.”

October 18 dream:  Tape group meets at my place. My place is small but not too small. Lots of black spiders hopping around. Also one kitten.

October 18 dream:  Attend meeting of ecology group which promotes a lot of spiritual principles. Emma Vigeland there, too.

October 17, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Strange homeless guy hands out free bagels. Not many takers. Lee also there. Go to library. Get anonymous call. I accidentally hang up. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Scan through two Coleridge books looking for quote Thane used in one of his classes. Couldn’t find it. Read more from Unseen about Churchill attacking French fleet before Germans had an opportunity to take it over. Check out books from Librarian No. 1 and check them in with Robert, Librarian No. 2. Take pee in restroom. Not pee shy ’cause the only others there are two homeless guys. #52 route to Safeway Diamond Heights. I am feeling my sexual value to my father, which makes me feel a value equivalent to the two homeless guys I encountered in the library restroom. At Safeway meet guy with list. I say, “That’s quite a list you have there. Do you know where the tuna is?” He doesn’t. #52 to F.H. K home. Cute young Asian guy puts on dark glasses as he exits into the night at Ocean and Junipero Serra.

October 17 dream:  Trying to get local address of Mary from rolls of sorts.

October 17 dream:  Special event at big rambling house. (h.o.)

October 17 dream:  Guy sitting on toilet. I pee between his legs. Then think that wasn’t very nice. Thank of guy with tight, bright blue underpants at Red Sea Pizza. Also “Mary.”

October 16, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Take K. Get stuck in second car of two-car train. Driver lets me out. Then take J to G.P. Black barista (Willow) at C.B. Get anonymous call at C.B. Caller says nothing. Go to library. Take shits at library. Read more from Unseen about Toussaint Louverture’s Haitian revolution. Librarian No. 5. Don’t connect with her verbally. Walk up #52 route to Diamond and Diamond Heights Blvd. #35 arrives. I get on. Bus doesn’t move, so I get off. Catch #52 right after to F.H. K home Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: It’s easier to hate myself than it is to hate those in authority. Conclusion: Myself is in love with Myself.

October 16 dream:  I am waiter at resto with two rooms. Guy with pig snout mask greets me at doorway. Someone asks what’s going on in town. I look out window. Lots of people near the port of S.F. Woman is in second resto. (h.o.)

October 16 dream:  England’s zoo is going out of business. Rich woman we know half-jokingly offers to buy it.

October 15, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Librarian No. 3 forgot to bring his book in today. Start reading The Unseen Leader. Looking forward to chapters on the Haitian revolution and on Churchill. Feel “shitty.” Take #44 to F.H. Loud black family boards with me and gets off with me at F.H. Also beautiful guy smiling to himself. Take K to W.P. Get off and walk to W.G. Then walk to Ocean Avenue and get on K again. Stop by Johnny B. Goode’s to check on my shoes. Go to Sweet Cupz. Guy there has black finger nail polish on all his fingers. Then Poke Bowl. Then W.F. Woman manager thinks since they are out of Asian Sesame salad dressing, that it’s not very popular.

October 15 dream:  Staying in nice house with nice silverware. Son named Eliot.

October 15 dream:  People exit K train before me, leaving me alone on train. Guy sets off bomb.

October 15 dream:  See old friend from Bay Times.

October 14, 2024:  Decided not to knock myself out last night with NyQuil so it was a tough night getting to sleep. Wake up about noonish. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. He asks where I was hier. I say, “I was sick.” Library closed today for Indigenous People’s Day. See #35 coming in from the Castro. Decide to take it back. One catch in my throat. Go to 440 Club. See some nice-looking young men there for a change, which was nice to see. Walk up 18th Street to Portola Street to M.S. Stand in line to check out with Derek. But by the time I reach him he gets replaced. “Sir Allen” in background. Go to burrito place. Talkative older guy on #43 to F.H. K home. Beautiful young gay man poses for me. Memory: beautiful mysterious piano music I listened to before my father picked me up after class at Menlo College. Flush toilet in p.m. It is clogged. It wasn’t clogged earlier in the day. I think this relates to my new arrogant neighbors who I thought I had “flushed” a few days ago.

October 14 dream:  Visit John A.’s home in Marin. He has some kids there.

October 14 dream:  …divided into two with seven sections in first part. I’m part of second part.

October 14 dream:  Donald Trump suspends his campaign, causing electoral chaos.

October 14 dream:  Take over a snack spot on Post Street for a day. Real estate agent comes in. There’s lots of people there. Someone tells me it will only cost $1,050 per month.

October 13, 2024:  Sick again today. Stayed indoors all day, but things seem to be breaking up.

October 13 dream:  In the military, guy air fist bumps me goodbye. Then kisses my boyfriend goodbye. It makes me happy because it gives me permission to kiss my boyfriend.

October 12, 2024:  Still sick. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Black barista at C.B. Go to library. Read from Science and the Modern World by Alfred North Whitehead. Still feeling bad. Take #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Try to take nap. Took some NyQuil late last night.

October 11, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Lee also. I tell him I’ll put in a good word with the man upstairs. He’s suffering from Agent Orange. Go to library. Listen to YouTube. Walk thru upper level of G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Allen in background. Watch A Place to Call Home DVD about gay man dealing with his homosexuality in the ’50s in Australia. I get sick afterwards with a cold, remembering how impossible it was back then to be gay or that being gay was even a possibility. The term “gai” or “gay” meaning homosexual only began widespread use in 1969.

October 10, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark and the owners, Joseph, Jane and Justin,at C.B. Talk briefly with Justin, Jane and Mark. Also young man with beautiful eyes who left and then walked by C.B. again. Go to library. Finish The Transformations of Man by Mumford. As I exit library, see beautiful tall young guy with Afro. Then I almost trip and fall over my shoelaces. Then I walk back and check out guy again. He smiles, I think. Walk up #52 route. On Gold Mine Drive, run into woman walking her dog. Dog sniffs me out. So does woman, I think. Walk to Duncan Street. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Fire alarm in building at 11:11 p.m.

October 10 dream:  On bumpy flight back to S.F., woman stewardess gives me fluffy thing to hold next to my pillow from home. She leans forward against me. I think she wants to get it on. I think, “That’s cool.” Don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Then I think, “Infinite Mind knows.” Wake up.

October 10 dream:  Buy Playgirl magazine. (h.o.)

October 10 dream:  Go into modern tech building. Look thru offices. When I get outside, it’s raining. Want to take photo but I wake up.

October 9, 2024:  Some anonymous calls in a.m. I respond with pre-written text responses provided by my phone. Such as, “Can’t talk now. What’s up?” or “Can you call me back?” Makes me feel good. K and J to G.P. Black barista (Willow) at C.B Also Lee who introduced me to his wife Judy. Go to library. Start The Transformations of Man by Lewis Mumford. Walk up #52 route to Topaz Way to M.S. Peek in to see if they have orange slices. They don’t. See Derek at his checkout station. He looks taller than usual. We stare at each other for a moment. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) “Sir Allen” in the background. Go to burrito place. #43 to F.H. K home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Hurricanes are an Act of God. Conclusion: Every natural event is an act of one Consciousness at peace with Itself.

October 9 dream:  Someone is cleaning my teeth. I wake up when I swallow something bad-tasting.

October 9 dream:  Accidentally tie-dye my pants purple. My boss likes it.

October 9 dream:  Republican convention doesn’t allow drinking. I say, “I’m sure they want to.”

October 8, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Take shoes to Johnny B. Goode. K and J to G.P. Cute, well-dressed young teen gets on board. He connects with me. Young black guy standing behind us. Makes me very happy for some reason. Mark at C.B. Lee also there. Go to library. Finish Fourth. Take shits before I leave. Walk up #52 route. Beautiful delivery guy on Diamond Heights Boulevard. Later young guy and I run to catch #44 bus at Woodside Avenue. I sit next to him. I say, “The only time I ever run these days is to catch a bus.” He says, “I’m not very athletic, but I don’t run much either.” I say, “Well, they say it’s good for you.” He says, “I’m not so sure.” As I exit at F.H, I say, “That’s what they say.” K home. Go to W.F. Johnny at checkout station, but when I return he’s gone.

October 8 dream:  Hear big sigh in my room.

October 8 dream:  Straightening out a bunch of empty boxes. Make headway. Earlier, girl pushes sperm towards me in game saying she wants to have sex with me. I didn’t want to have sex with her.

October 8 dream:  Buy big bag of frozen cat food. Let it thaw out mostly. Then decide not to eat it.

October 7, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. 7-day heat wave appears to be tapering off, but C.B. is still very hot. I’m sweating. Go to library. Read more from Fourth. Air conditioning so cold I have to wear my jacket. Feel “shitty” so I decide to give my foot a break and take #52 to F.H. and K home. Stop by W.F. Check out with Johnny. He’s very nice to me, but he kind of has to be. And he looks very hot. 

October 7 dream:  List of classes and talks I can give. (h.o.)

October 7 dream:  Try to take bookcase back home but leave it at doctor’s office.

October 7 dream:  Walking home on Nob Hill. Seattle behind me. A woman is about to give state of the union speech.

October 6, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Meet Carla from Nicaragua at Santa Rosa stop. She asks me to take her picture so I do. Mark at C.B. Another hot day. Go to library very briefly. Walk to M.S. Pick up On the Nature and Existence of God at neighborhood free library kiosk. It’s a heavy book and my right foot becomes sore. Check out with Ben at M.S. Also greet Derek. All my windows are open due to the heat. My neighbor’s guests hang out outside my window. I confront them.

October 6 dream:  Green pod on the floor. “Whenever you do a project expect 100 times the result.”

October 5, 2024:  Shits in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Justin, Josh and Jane (the owners) at C.B. Nice conversation with Justin about the gelato maker they’re installing. Go to library. Librarian No. 3 says he’s on his way to check out the Glen Park Art Walk outside. Read more from Fourth. Talk with hot scented candle guy at Glen Park Art Walk. Walk up #52 route to Topaz Way to Safeway Diamond Heights. Walk to M.S. Beautiful hot guy in tight gray biker shorts I only see from behind on Portola. I wolf whistle. (I couldn’t see his front ’cause the sun was in my eyes.) Go to M.S. See Angel, Sir Allen and Ian. They don’t have what I’m looking for (orange slices). Greet Derek as I leave. Young guy on #44 gets off with me at F.H. K home. Go to W.F. See Johnny and Allen and Cole but they don’t see me. Go to Poke Bowl. Really nice group of young guys there.

October 5 dream:  Jewish group trying to escape. (h.o.)

October 5 dream:  Walk by partially remodeled school with red marble outside walls. 

October 5 dream:  Hear “Wait!”

October 5 dream:  We are in “Spar” section of S.F. Group of us there. Guy shows interest in The Prosperos. I ask if anyone has Prosperos literature. I give it to him along with my phone number. Woman and goat laying on the floor, apparently sick or dying.

October 4, 2024:  In ’til noonish. #29 and #38 to VA. See Robin from September 30 get on #29 as I exit at Geary and 25th Avenue. Get toe nails done by Christine. I talked about ayahuasca and she talked about patients at her nursing school who were detoxing and seeing hallucinations. She washes my feet like Mary Magdalene washed Jesus’s feet. At least that’s what it felt like. She shies away from me at finish. Go to La Promenade cafe on Balboa. Friendly man there tells me about blue grass concert in Golden Gate Park. I walk thru G.G. Park and around the concert to 9th and Judah. One or two cute guys on Irving Street. #44 to F.H. K home. Take nap.

October 4 dream:  Meet with AOC and what’s left of the progressive Democrats in one circle. Someone tries to cut her out but we bring her back in.

October 4 dream:  Take poop just before new class starts on Duke Ellington and jazz greats. When I am taking shits I say, “Oh, that feels so good.” Other guy says, “Really?” I say, “I’m just joking.”

October 4 dream:  Am late for 10 p.m. shit on top of Twin Peaks.

October 4 dream:  My predecessor at work hangs out with Peter Lawford.

October 3, 2024:  A sort of opening appears in the upper left hand corner of my bathroom ceiling  I’m in the shower. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Hot guy on Ocean leaning up against his car, trying to intimidate me. I start checking him out and he averts his eyes. Hot girl on #29 with much cleavage. Mark at C.B. Librarian No. 5 still reading Italian book. She says Mussolini is just taking power. I say, “I hope that doesn’t happen here.” Read more from Fourth. Walk up #52 route. Walk around woman on her phone on Diamond Heights Blvd. Then run into beautiful, smiling man. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Work on Joseph Welch quote in p.m. ‘Have you no decency, Mr. Trump, at long last?” Send to Chron. As I go to sleep hear loud exhale.

October 2, 2024:  In ’til 3:30ish. #29 and J to G.P. Black barista at C.B. Start using automatic text replies to phone calls when I’m not sure who is calling. Such as: “Can’t talk right now. Can I call you later?” Go to library. Read more from Fourth. Librarian No. 1 tells me my cellphone light is on. Check out DVD with Robert. Connect with guy with cute little daughter on my way out. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Guy on Diamond Heights Blvd smiles at me. Ben and Derek at check out stations at M.S. I go to Ben’s but he turns out to be “Sir Allen.” We talk about VP debate. I ask him who he’s going to vote for. He says he doesn’t know. I ask who he voted for last time. He says he doesn’t remember. Wave to Derek as I exit. Go to burrito place. #48 to W.P. K home. Go to W.F. Lying on the floor doing my back exercise seems to be a way of reclaiming authority over my own body. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Sometimes I don’t feel ownership of my own body, let alone the body politic. Conclusion: Truth is always the one in charge of My one, infinite body, (aka Itself) not to mention the one, infinite Body politic.

October 2 dream:  Guys mad at me for not going out with woman?

October 1, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Talk with Librarian No. 3. He’s still reading Sentimental Education by Flaubert. Walk up Diamond to catch #35 to Castro. Intend to go to Eureka library to listen to VP debate. But first, I decide to stop by 440 Club. Urinal worked this time. Guy smiles with me on my way out. Go to Eureka library. Two catches in my throat while I’m there. Woman in library smiles at me. I’m kind of depressed due to the debate. K home. Go to W.F. Hear “Ft. Collins” in p.m.

September 30, 2024:  Decide to let all my phone calls go to voicemail. In ’til 2ish. Take K downtown to IKEA to buy bath towel. Selection really bad. Couple of nice guys there, though. Go to Target. Get new earphone and big beautiful yellowish bath towel. Take BART to G.P. Buy Chron from G.P. Market. Guy there really thankful to see me. Valentina at C.B. She has to kick out strange homeless guy. I call 911 just in case he doesn’t leave. He leaves. See Robin from Geary Street there. Last time I saw her was January 26. Go to library. Read more from Fourth. Walk up #52 route. “Slow” black guy on Diamond Heights Boulevard gives me a hug. Walk up Gold Mine to Topaz to George Christopher Playground. Pass police academy. Lots of new recruits in formation. Think of taking photo but ton’t. Then get down on myself for not taking photo. Then I realize I’m really overdoing it. It is just internal bullying. That’s a great breakthrough for me. Since I never took the opportunity to stand up to the bullying from my father, now I know I can ’cause the bullying is coming “from inside the house.” (*Relates to 2nd dream of September 27, I think.) Walk to Woodside. #44 to F.H. K home. Cute little boy smiles at me on K.

September 30 dream:  Grandma Smith (my step grandmother) sitting in the ocean. Almost drowns. Turns out she has a penis.

September 29, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. See motor scooter guy from September 26. I don’t know what to do. #29 is coming so I hop on. Then I get off and walk a block or two back. He’s no longer there. Take K and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Talk with Librarian No. 5 who’s reading an Italian writer. Read more from Fourth. I realize maybe the reason I did’t know what to do with motor scooter guy was ’cause I didn’t really want to do anything. This was a great relief. (*Relates to meat cleaver dream of September 26?) Library closes at 5 p.m. so I go outside. #35 meets me as I arrive at corner bus stop. So I take it to Castro. It’s Folsom Street Fair day. Go to 440 Club. One catch in my throat on way there and one after. Guy standing outside urinal says it’s not working. So I leave. Go to Rec. Center restroom nearby. Go to Castro M.S. to see if Ben is there. He’s not. Walk up 18th to Portola to Corbett. I’m thinking that in Truth all will be resolved. Woman in open garage smiles at me. Walk to Glenview. Take #48 to Woodside. Beautiful young blond kid as I exit. We connect. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. He’s very solicitous of older man behind me. My head phones are down again. Discover fix for earphones: Buy new ones!

September 29 dream:  I’m trying to teach a course in Islamic Studies about a girl named Aisha. Talk to her mother before hand. She Is not thrilled. It’s every week at 6:15 p.m. Most students excited.

September 29 dream:  I’m trying to say something about gay marriages for #3.43 two months. I ask my boss, Mr. Cater, Mr. Carre, whatever it is. Makes me and him and other girl crack up.

September 29 dream:  Guy carrying vacuum in his arms, leaving store where we work. I say, “Can you tell me if it’s broken?” He says, “i cant’ talk right now.” I say, “You’re a chicken shit.” HughJohn is with him.

September 28, 2024:  No anonymous calls today. In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. My old Chinese lady friend on J. Also cute Native American? Black barista at C.B. My earphones don’t work so I can’t listen to YouTube as I usually do there. Go to library. Blow into audio jack and that seems to fix my earphones. Talk with Librarian No. 3. He’s reading Sentimental Education by Flaubert. Walk up #52 route to M.S. It’s a cold, foggy day. Talk with Angel at M.S. Later check out with Ben and Ian. Ben has bracelet on his left arm. Seems significant. Talk with Derek as I leave. Last time he told me about going over to Oakland to hear RFK, Jr. I told him about time I heard RFK, Jr.’s father in Oregon in 1968. Derek briefly checks me out. #36 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Allen and Cole. Allen has on T-shirt with lots of Chinese letters which he says identity the different elements. There are like 8 or 10 letters. We joke about how many elements can there be?

September 28 dream:  Compete for one of four spots on swimming competition though I really don’t have time to practice.

September 28 dream:  Young man says I’m the most healing presence around. I say, “It doesn’t sound believable.”

September 28 dream:  Woman I am working next to in medical facility says she was so scared of me when we first met. I admit I was so scared of her. I told her I volunteer at the VA.

September 27, 2024:  Anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “Are you AI?” Caller says nothing. I say, “Do you have a heart?” Caller hangs up. Later another anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “Fuck you. (Pause.) Yeah, I would like to fuck you. (Pause.) So do you want to come over here or …? (Pause.) Fucker.” Caller doesn’t hang up so I do. In ’til 3ish. It’s hot day. I wear long-sleeved shirt. #29 and walk to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also hot guy with lots of tattoos on his arm. I get in line behind him. Later a friend of his comes and rescues him. Later hot guy from hier goes to the restroom. I wait outside. As he exits, he almost leaves key in the restroom. He smiles and retrieves it for me. Go to library. Read more from Turning. Walk up #52 route to Gold Mine Drive and Topaz Way. At the end of Topaz Way, see guy walk into open garage on Gold Mine. He says, “How are you?” like he’s going on a Grindr date. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #36 to F.H. See woman in sparkly coat (I think I complimented her on her coat a few weeks ago.) I give her excited smile as she exits bus. She does not respond in kind. Take K home. Facebook cancels several of my posts on the BathtubBulletin page and the Occupy_SF page that dealt with MAGA.

September 27 dream:  Guy sitting outside my window. I look out. He takes his shirt off. I pull up blind.

September 27 dream:  Go to 53rd floor of office building. Then down. Nice garden outside. Try to take photo. My camera doesn’t work. Two threatening black guys follow me. One looks at my camera. The other takes a bite out of my coat. I am not afraid. I think I slap one of them in the face.

September 26, 2024:  Anonymous calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Meet cute guy outside his home on Ocean Avenue. I say, “I like your bike.” He says, “It’s a motor scooter.” #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Hot guy comes in and sits next to me. Strange homeless guy and black woman stare at me as I try to decide whether to connect with him or not. Go to library. Start The Fourth Turning. Sit near hot guy. We both leave at same time. And go to the restroom at same time. I pass him at ATM outside Canyon Market. See #35 bus coming in from Castro. Decide not to take it. Walk up #52 route. Walk up Gold Mine and Topaz Way. Black shiny government car pulls up beside me and stops. I twirl around lamppost and walk on. Insight: My response to stepsister Nancy’s comment to my Facebook photo of driverless car. She says, “What do you think it means?” I say, “We have a driverless future?” Now I think the driver will always be (and always has been) God (or Infinite Mind or the Universe). That is, the God within all of us. We’re just not always listening. Or maybe it just take us eons to hear. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. F home. Go to W.F. Connect with hot young man. Go to automatic checkout station next to him. Woman on other side is flirting with him. He exits but then comes back and so do I. I say to whoever is listening, “I don’t know what do do.” Then he leaves again. Jerk off in p.m. Feel guilty afterwards.

September 26 dream:  Stay over night in room. Somehow it feels safe. Then lots of others show up, all lounging in their beds. I know some bad stuff is going to come out of them and maybe me. One guy has what looks like a cleaver. I say, “My God!”

September 25, 2024:  Shits in a.m. In ’til 2ish. Take BART to Oakland VA. Fire truck wails its siren nearby. Guy says to me, “Did you see the fire?” I say, “No.” Immediately I get anonymous phone call. Caller says nothing. I say, “’Did you see the fire?’ That’s what a guy just asked me on some street in Oakland.” Caller hangs up. After appointment, walk up MLK and Telegraph Avenue. Kimo not at “Grab and Go.” Go to gas station near Berkeley border. Guys there are usually very rude so I was expecting rude again, but guy was very solicitous and sweet. He carefully explains to me why he had to charge a few more cents for me to use my debit card. Walk thru UC campus to Berkeley Espresso. My friend not there. Take F to S.F. Follow cute guy into S shuttle. Then connect with other cute guy.. I kind of focused on his mustache and wondered what it would be like to kiss him. He exits at Castro. I follow him. He looks back but I stay there to catch K home. I think I’m in love again. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: God is responsible for someone having congestive heart failure, a stroke, paralysis and bed sores. Conclusion:  The expectations of the Personage of Truth are limitless, unconfined, everywhere and forever.

September 25 dream:  Four of us on a call-in show. New ones don’t want to respond on air even though they have a response. I say, “Well, you can tell someone else your response and they can respond for you.” He says, “Okay.” I say, “Don’t worry. You’ll get there.”

September 24, 2024:  In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to Jun’s hair salon. Nice time with Jun as usual. At one point I get anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “Would you please tell my barber that you’re my boyfriend?” Caller hangs up. I say to Jun, “He’s shy.” Walk to G.P. Mark at C.B. He tells me that Jordan, the baristo who used to work there, is back East, but he’ll return. Jordan is the one who gave ma a fake phone number when I invited him to a dinner party. Noah comes in and we talk politics. He says he can only stay 15 minutes, but it seems much longer. I wanted to connect with cute blondish guy who left before Noah did. Go to library. Finish Global. Scan through We the Poisoned. No mention of the time Obama drank from a bottle of water allegedly from Flint and allegedly clean. Walk up #52 route to Gold Mine Drive and Topaz Way. Stop by Safeway Diamond Heights. Follow cute guy in. Run into even cuter guy running by me. Walk to Woodside Avenue. Beautiful young man exits F.H. elevator. I give him a subdued wolf whistle. K home. Woman smiles at me. Makes me feel indebted to her. Stand across from cute guy on K. Go to W.F. Check out hot guy who seems to be tagging along with his keeper. Other cute Asian guy in muscle T-shirt on my way out of W.F. Hear on news about Hurricane John in Mexico.

September 24 dream:  I make ponchos(?) for poor black population.

September 24 dream:  Take shower at woman’s place. She comes in shower as i’m finishing up. Then her daughter smiles at me as I’m drying off.

September 23, 2024:  Wake up early to call into Thom Hartmann Program about the “Green Bay Sweep” which I heard about last night on the Mark Feldman podcast. The insurrection was not meant to happen the way it did. The Republicans were meant to drag out the certification process state by state until electoral slates in the swing states were changed. The mob outside was just meant to add a menacing presence like the Brooks Brothers riot in 2000. But the mob got too excited and decided to invade the Capitol and thus interrupted the plan. I don’t know that I explained it very well on the program, but it was fun talking to Thom. He was very gracious. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. She mentions my red pants. Go to library. Read more from Global. Connect with Librarian No 3 on way out. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Beautiful day. Check out with Alysson and Ed. See “Sir Allen” and Derek on way out. #52 to F.H. K home. Sit next to cute and cute-acting young man on K.

September 22, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Black barista at C.B. Go to library briefly. See #35. Think I should take it. Go to 440 Club. Take pee. Exit club. Ogle beautiful half-naked man at 17th and Castro. Walk up 18th Street to Portola to Duncan Street. #52 to F.H. When I exit #52, it’s just me and the driver. I say to driver (in my mind), “Well, we made it.” K home. Doing exercise at home, somebody pinches my butt. Turns out to be errant toenail clipping.

September 22 dream:  They’re talking about housing project, I think. My friend refers to it as a black man’s housing. I ask him what he means.

September 22 dream:  Candle unlit. I say it should be lit, so they light it. I’m pouring water into cup.

September 21, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. See my old Chinese lady friend on J. We wave at each other. New barista at C.B. Very pretty. Very nice. She offers me free drink which customer didn’t want. Also Jane and her husband, the owners. Go to library. Read more from Global Mind Change. Return The Women DVD to Librarian No. 6, an overt gay man. He asks me how I liked it. I was hesitant to respond, thinking that he wouldn’t agree, but I told him anyhow that I thought it was okay. A little dated. Walk up #52 route to Gold Mine Drive, Topaz Way and Ora Way. Walk to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. K home. See black guy on K who I get excited about. He moves to sit nearer to me. As I exit, I do a little dance for him. Go to W.F. Check out with Allen. Customer in front of me has to go back and get something else. Allen says I should go to checkout station next to him. I say, “But I want to stay here.” he says, “Okay.”

September 21 dream:  I admit to all that I took “pin” from store and the whole memory of my mother’s death comes back and my guilt.

September 21 dream:  In big downtown S.F. room, eating broccoli and remembering Mikhail Itkin.

September 21 dream:  Visit N.Y. Looks nice. Also Oakland, I think.

September 20, 2024:  In ’til 1ish. #29 and #38 to VA in SF. Get anonymous call in Dermatology waiting room. Caller says nothing and hangs up. Cute male nurse takes photo of mole on my back. Go to Simple Pleasures Cafe on Balboa Street. Hear “Breakthrough on Friday” while listening to YouTube. See “John” on sidewalk on way to G.G.P. Walk to 9th Street. Run into Fred Cline outside The Beanery. I sit down and talk with him for a while. He’s 95 now. Take #44 to M.S. Check out with Ian. Wait for bus to F.H. Meet young guy from Israel. We take #44 together to F.H. He starts to join me on the elevator down to the trains. I say, “Are you going east or west?” He says, “East.” I tell him that he needs to take the other elevator. At the same time, I’m thinking, “If I tell him, that probably means I’m saying goodbye.” (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Take K home. Later in p.m. thinking of him, I do a little jump of happiness.

September 20 dream:  Guy wanting to charge me to park my car. (h.o.)

September 20 dream:  Eating a sheet with some food on it. Realize it may not to good for me.

September 20 dream:  Look forward to returning to my humble apartment.

September 19, 2024:  Anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “Hello.” Caller hangs up. #29 and J to G.P. As I cross Diamond Street, automated voice says, “Wait.” I look around and connect with smiling young man crossing from the other side. Mark at C.B. My cellphone breaks down. I try to rebook it several times. Then it goes into “safe mode.” When I get home it seems to be okay. Go to library. Read more from Sorcerer’s. I keep falling asleep like I did hier. Walk up #52 route. Go up Gold Mine Drive to Topaz Way. Then up Ora Way. Some loud guys in parking lot. Go to Safeway restroom. Take shits. Walk to Duncan Street. #52 to F.H. K home.

September 19 dream:  Google something for funny woman.

September 19 dream:  Trying to humiliate guys. (h.o.)

September 18, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Walk and #29 and J to G.P. Black barista at C.B. Also Lee. Nice young woman smiles at me after I check out her breasts. Go to library. Cute little blond boy comes up to where I’m sitting. He picks up my camera and takes a random photo. I gently put the camera down. Start Global Mind Change. Walk up #52 route. Go up Gold Mine to Topaz Way to view other side of building I call “The Citadel.” They are beautiful individual apartments with a fabulous view of the city. I’m excited to make this discovery. Then get anonymous call from are code 424. I say, “Area Code 424, This is Area Code 510. I hear you loud and clear. Roger…” Caller hangs up. Walk to Duncan Street. #52 to F.H. K home. Funny woman I’ve met before talks to me about S.F. Zoo. Go to W.F. Have three items. Woman in front of me wants to go back and get something else. Lady cashier says, “Don’t worry. I’ll go slow.” Pisses me off. I go to automated check out. One of my items won’t scan. Go to other check out person. Try unsuccessfully to do RHS. Later realize that by blocking my ability to scan item automatically the Universe was telling me, in effect, “Hold on. She’s not the one who was in the wrong here. You were.” This is similar to what happened on August 15 when I was temporarily blocked from following my 18-year-old friend. The Universe (or God, if you will) will talk to you. If you listen. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: A boy who does not stand up to his father as a child can sometimes  get prostate cancer as an adult. Conclusion: Truth consummates Itself every moment.

September 18 dream :  Four waves of emotion. I’m in sadness wave.

September 18 dream:  New York City drama.

September 18 dream:  Riding with woman. Trying to find parking space. She tells of skid marks woman makes whose house we park outside of.

September 17, 2024:  John King is retiring as an urban design critic for the SF Chron. I get email from him thanking me for my comments to him throughout the years. I respond to him: “I always look[ed] forward to whatever you write.” Get surprisingly emotional. Then get anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “is this John? John’s brother?” Caller hangs up. Get a few more anonymous calls over the next few hours. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also Lee. Also talk briefly with Noah. Go to library. Finish Sorcerer’s. Nice ending. Author successfully finishes his training. I apply it to myself. Check book in with Librarian No. 3. There’s a note on the counter in a child’s handwriting. I say, “Is this note for you?” I can’t quite make it out. He does. It says, “I hate this place.” I say, “Jesus.” Walk up #52 route to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. K home. Get uncontrollably angry at J.D. Vance blaming Democrats for saying that Trump is a threat to democracy. Maybe Trump should stop being a threat to democracy! Wrote letter to the editor of SF Chron about that earlier.

September 17 dream:  Try to get thesis in the form of a 5-step Translation. (h.o.)

September 17 dream:  Try to divide document into five parts.

September 17 dream:  Huge waves coming to west side of San Francisco. Stop by several gay bars very briefly.

September 17 dream:  Try to get into S.F. pool before it closes at 5 p.m. It’s only 4:50 but it’s now being used for a banquet of comedians, etc. Jon Stewart is there. On way out, woman gives me accordion-type instrument and says, “I don’t care what. You’re going to play this,” Then guys start playing and I start singing. Someone says I have a nice voice. And I do.

September 16, 2024:  Wake up at 7:54 a.m. As I enter kitchen, it is unusually light. My phone is going off. I just miss the call. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also Librarians Nos. 2 and 3 stop in. Read more from Sorcerer’s. Still feel like I’m going to get in trouble for breaking my washing machine. I know this relates to my childhood self who felt likewise. Librarian No. 4 smiles at me as I exit library. Her smile tells me everything is going to be okay and that I’m on the right path. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Walk up #52 route. Go to M.S. See “Sir Allen.” Check out with Ed. #52 to F.H. Get call. I say, “I can’t hear you very well. I’m on the bus.” Voice sounds like John, sort of. Maybe one of his brothers. K home. Go to W.F. Pass up Cole to join guy in automatic checkout station.

September 16 dream:  Voice says, “You will die in this event.” (h.o.)

September 16 dream:  Day 9 of a difficult situation. Somebody should make a film about it. Someone’s bike laying on the side of the road into our place.

September 15, 2024:  In ’til 2:30ish. K and walk to G.P. Woman smiles at me on San Jose Avenue. Mark at C.B. Also Justin, the owner’s son. Also cute guy who I noticed as he was leaning up against the doorway waiting to go to the restroom. Go to library. Read more form Sorcerer’s. Walk to G.C.P. Take shits at R.C. Walk lower level of G.C.P. Guy in black shorts and fishnet stockings. Go to M.S. looking for orange slices. They don’t have any so I take #43 to F.H. K home. Sit across from rude couple. Think it may be a sign to move to the back of the train. Which I do. Didn’t notice person ’til he and I both exited at Lee. I followed him ’til we made some sort of connection. Washing machine breaks down in p.m. I feel like I’m going to get in trouble for breaking the washing machine. I feel pelvic pain. When I realize the connection between my pain and my self-blame, the pain lessens.

September 15 dream:  They were all going up on my command. But I told everyone she (Laurie) is doing a good job. And allowed me some freedom.

September 15 dream:  Somebody trying to help twin guys come out.

September 14, 2024:  Listen to Gay Gaer Luce on YouTube. She says the reason people vomit on peyote {and presumably ayahuasca as well} is because they are sickened by what they find inside. So it’s primarily psychological rather than physical.  She also gives me new insight into the male/female polarity within all of us. It’s not so much a domination/submission polarity as it is polarity of ruthlessness/kindness. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Nice black woman smiles at me on J. Black barista at C.B. No tables available so I sit in one of the chairs. Guy next to me tells me my cellphone flashlight is on. Later, I ask him about book he is reading. We talk for about a half hour. His name is Paul. He’s starting a company called SiLogy. Go to library. Talk with Librarian No. 3 about Camus and his idea that life is absurd. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Check out with Ben. He’s started classes with SFSU (I think). #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Johnny there. Check out with Cole.

September 14 dream:  Throw up slightly. “Who’s in the mood for a little competition?” (h.o.)

September 14 dream:  On balcony of building with Heather W. it’s high up. There’s not much room. Black gospel singers start below. They ask me, “What would you like in a new world?” I say, “More gospel singing.” Then somebody gets rough with me.

September 14 dream:  Look at Bob Meslinsky’s apartment with the idea of moving into his building. But I think I prefer a different apartment building.

September 13, 2024:  Anonymous call. I say, “They’re eating the dogs. They’re easting the pets. They’re eating the cats. What are you gong to do?” Caller hangs up. In ’til 2:30ish. Take K downtown to new Democratic Party HQ on Market Street. Beautiful young guy gets on at Castro Station. I sit near him. I ask him about his cellphone. He explains. Buy poster at HQ. Woman there buys Kamala button for me. I am told there had been a shooting downtown. Take M and J to G.P. Two noisy, bratty h.s. girls and one h.s. guy sit and stand near me. When I exit at G.P. I connect with guy who turns out to be really beautiful. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Sorcerer’s. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Talk with Angel about orange slices. Check out with Derek. I show him my Kamala poster. He says Kamala didn’t do well in the debate. He says the debates are like the World Series for him. I ask him about Trump. He says, “At least he spoke from his heart.” I say, “I didn’t know he had one.” He also mentions going to RJK, Jr., event in Oakland. I’m really shocked that he’s probably a Trump supporter. Go to CVS. Go to burrito place. #36 to F.H. K home. Meet nice red-haired lady on K. She tells me where the W.P. fire from September 5 started. Go to W.F. Cute guy outside W.F. Johnny inside.

September 13 dream:  Snoop Dogg feels dissed by comedian, but hangs out with us as we approach comedian’s house. When he enters, one comedian is playfully slapping other comedian (Chevy Chase). (h.o.)

September 13 dream:  Little girl orders dress online. I say, “And they just bring it to you?” She says, “Yes.” Little girl says, “Why don’t you?”

September 12, 2024:  Anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “Well…” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Same young woman from hier boards one stop later, wearing dark glasses today. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Talk with Librarian No. 5 about book she’s reading which I couldn’t understand. Read more from Sorcerer’s. While reading, I remember that I used to dress up in my mother’s clothes. I remember it being in my parent’s bedroom. Did I do this in front of my father? Did I do it for my father? (*Relates to “Germany is freed” dream from September 11?) Walk up #52 route. Short but fine guy passes me on Diamond Heights Blvd. Then turns left and enters driveway to apartment building but does not go in. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Walk to Woodside Avenue. Guy in passing pickup play-sparring with me with his arms. #52 to F.H. K home. See “Big Surprise.”

September 12 dream:  War is over. Run through of areas.

September 12 dream:  Putting all the pieces together on way to be there. Going with stepsister Laurie and someone else. I’m carrying like 8 books which I say is “stupid.” We stop by Japanese fish farm which is a large indoor pool with fake fish. Lauris has some dogs with her.

September 12 dream:  Walking through campus, Marilyn Deurell is registering for classes.

September 11, 2024:  Anonymous call. Recorded voice says, “Goodbye.” I say, “Goodbye.” In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Young woman at j stop smiles at me. Black barista at C.B. Realize the only reason I feel bad about her is ’cause she is triggering feelings that are already within me. Go to library. Read more from Sorcerer’s. Shits on leaving library. Walk up #52 route. Go to M.S. Check out with Ed. #36 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Connect with Cole. See “”it’s about time.” Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: The body is programmed to expire. The citizen is programmed to retire. Conclusion. Our only norm is infinite, formless Mind/Consciousness in cohesion with all, endlessly moving forward. Feel fear for guy standing up to his mother, a policewoman, in the series Happy Valley. I hear myself say say internally, “Don’t do it. She’ll hurt you.”

September 11 dream:  Title of book is revoked. (h.o.)

September 11 dream:  “Mes rea” in dream probably refers to mens rea, a legal term meaning knowledge of wrongdoing.

September 11 dream:  The war ends. Germany is freed. Or we are.

September 11 dream:  Woman left at center?

September 10, 2024:  Diary:  Anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “Pig.” Second anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “’Bye.” Take BART to Oakland for chiropractor appointment at VA. See sign on the way: “There’s healing ahead.” After appointment, I walk up Telegraph Avenue. Go to “Grab and Go.” Kimo not there. Other worker says, “I like your shirt.” I say, “My shirt?” “Yeah, it’s pink.” Walk up Shattuck to Berkeley Espresso. Get unexpected smile from Pakistani guy on way to nearby gym. At the time, my whole focus is on the presidential debate. So is the Universe telling me it’s going to be okay? My baristo friend not at B.E. Black guy gives me the eye. Start to watch debate on my cellphone. Continue watching as I wait for F bus to S.F. See my tall h.s. friend from August 1. He takes College Avenue bus like heh did last time. Go to S.F. Wait for K. See beautiful Asian guy on M so I get on and sit next to him. I ask him stupid question just to connect with him. He doesn’t want to answer at first. Then he does. After he exits at Church, I take K home.

September 10 dream:  In play, go from lady, ask member to stand.

September 9, 2024:  Anonymous call from 559 area code. I say, “Where is the 559 area code? Is this one of those burner phones?” Caller hangs up. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Attractive woman at C.B. checks me out. (I’m wearing my red pants.} Go to library. Take pee in restroom. Am alone and relaxed. Somebody else comes in. I panic, but catch myself and allow it to pass through me. Talk with Librarian No. 3 about the latest Camus play he is reading. It’s about socialists in the Russian revolution (The Just Assassins). Read more from Sorcerer’s. Walk by Canyon Market. See Victor after I pass. Don’t go back. Then beautiful black-haired man dressed in black walking down Diamond. Go into Diamond Heights Walgreens Attractive Asian guy walks out and smiles as I enter. I reverse course and follow him out. Walk to Woodside. #36 to F.H. Feeling sexy. Woman with big Afro and her legs spread on F.H. steps tries to intimidate me. Later I figure out possible response. If she’s going to do a caricature of masculinity (seeking total domination over me), I can do a caricature of femininity (allowing myself to be totally dominated–or at least pretending to be.). K home. Sweet young h.s. guy on K. Exits at Victoria. Go to W.F. Beautiful guy leaves. Then comes back. He’s buying a pomegranate. I say, “Are they good?” He says he plays basketball a lot and that eating pomegranates afterwards re-energizes him. I say, “I’ll buy one.” Then I come back a second time and talk with him briefly again. Johnny in background.

September 9 dream:  I’m at … with two others. I get a call. Then say, “I have to go.” (h.o.)

September 9 dream:  Am on or I have a long waiting list.

September 9 dream:  Skydiving

September 9 dream:  Cockroach.

September 8, 2024:  in ’til 3ish. See Cole on crosswalk. #29 to San Jose Avenue. Take #49 after cute guy walking down Ocean. When I catch up with him and his friends, he’s way too young. Walk to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Go to library. Young woman smiles at me. Read more from Sorcerer’s. Lose my pink post-it note. Go back to C.B. Sit for a moment while Valentina cleans up. Then walk up Diamond Street. See Victor. We talk briefly. (*Relates to grizzly ear dream of hier?) Walk up #52 route to Glenview. #52 to F.H. See hot guy on M so I take M to W.P. As I check him out, guy sitting next to him smiles at me. Hot guy’s friend has big crush on him, it’s pretty obvious. Take K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Memory: Guy who intentionally backed into me as we were sitting on floor for debate watch on Market back in 2004 or so.

September 8 dream:  Reporting from classes or something, young woman guesses my age at 36.

September 7, 2024:  Get phishing email from Microsoft saying I bought a $792 premium business package. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Black barista at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Sorcerer’s Apprentice. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. #36 to F.H. K home. Sweet Asian guy on K. He’s listening to workout tape. He goes to Stonestown YMCA. Haven’t received return email from HughJohn. Is he being like my father in my September 5 dream, patting me on the back and telling me we’ll talk in another room, but then never showing up? (H.J. Stands for HughJohn, also for my father’s first and second initials.) Hear “absolutely unexpected.” Later hear: “When you least expect it.”

September 7 dream:  Nap dream: Sleeping grizzly bear. (*Relates to seeing Victor on September 8?)

September 7 dream:  Almost done cleaning up. Spill clear marbles all over the floor. Woman co-worker used to prepare “logs” for bird fucking.

September 7 dream:  Dinner with three others at very small table. Bill Larsen and I were late and kind of self-invited.

September 7 dream:  Take photo of beautiful gold-leafed mother church steeple in a slightly run-down San Francisco main street.

September 6, 2024:  Anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “is this John?” Caller hangs up. Email HughJohn sharing my dream from hier about my family retreat. In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also Uber driver who gives me intense look as he exits. Go to library. Sweet guy smiles at me. As I leave I see he is wearing a SEIU T-shirt. I ask him if he’s a member. The first words out of his mouth were: “My wife…” Walk up Diamond Street. Then veer to G.C.P. Walk to M.S. Tell “Sir Allen” he’s doing a good job. Nice lady gets me three containers of sliced oranges. Check out with Ian. He’s really talkative today. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Allen even though I don’t really need anything . Meet sweet black guy and his 18 month old daughter in elevator. She gives me first bump.

September 6 dream:  I go to Prosperos event. I am voted down on something. I leave talking with person who I lost to. Also have my checkbook in hand.

September 6 dream:  Start new job running around town as a messenger. Later someone joins me. He checks out the foxes (hot guys). Woman boss gives me some kind of flashlight which tells me where I’ve been.

September 5, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Take K to Civic Center. Detour on the way due to one-alarm fire in West Portal. Go to Provident Credit Union in federal building on Golden Gate. They advertised a 4.75% 3 month CD. But it’s been reduced to 4.25%. Besides the vibe there was not good. Do double take of beautiful guy entering elevator as I em exiting. Also beautiful Asian guy with black-framed glasses in restroom. Walk by “Senior Community” at 701 Golden Gate. It’s only a block away from where I lived on Turk Street from 1993-2003. Walk up Gough to Market to Castro. Go to Peet’s on Market. Bleached-blond skateboarder checks me out. Reconnect with baristo who I like there. Go to nearby Eureka library. Obnoxious guy sits next to me. Finally leaves. Then tall, stately, friendly black man enters. I pass him on my way to the restroom. Then, on exiting, I see that he is using some sort of machine I don’t understand. I say, “What’s that?” “It’s a printer,” he says. “Cool,” I say. Walk to Castro Street. Pass 440 Club but don’t go in. See Namantha in the open window of his resto. Walk up 18th Street to Portola to Duncan. #52 to F.H. K home. Find Thursday’s SF Examiner in news rack.

September 5 dream:  Hard-on dream.

September 5 dream:  Group of us were at a retreat of sorts. My stepsister says, “We’re all entitled to a happy childhood.”  I say, “I’m working on that.”  Dad agrees. I say, “You need to work on it, too.”  Later he puts his hand on my back and says, “Let’s go in the other room and talk.” I agree.

September 5 dream:  Trump says, “Let’s listen to both sides.”

September 4, 2024:  Anonymous call in a.m. I say, “Why don’t you call me on the weekend? Eh?” Caller hangs u. #29 and J to G.P. Black barista at C.B. Also Uber guy sitting outside. I smile at him. He smiles back. Get anonymous call. I say, “Do you want to join me at the cafe?” Caller hangs up. Another anonymous call. I say, “It’s in Glen Park.” I hear young woman giggling on the phone. Caller hangs up. I feel bad, like John’s mocking me with his friends. Walk up #52 route to Glenview. Then #52 to F.H. Still feeling bad. I guess John feels he has the right to behave any way he wants to. Then I realize that John is just showing me, through his behavior, how my father used to behave towards me..Take K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Allen. He makes a point of returning to my question which had been interrupted. I wondered why the potatoes were so small. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Some exceptional people (including me) think they can behave any way they want to without objection by others. Conclusion: There is no objection or exception to the appropriate, Truthful behavior that I am.

September 3, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Talk with Librarian No. 5 about Rilke book she recommended to me. Tell her I couldn’t get into it. Walk up #52 route to Glenview. Waiting for bus, middle-aged black guy with graying beard rides by on bicycle. He gives me a half smile. I immediately get into a “fuck me” state of mind. (*I think this is an example of suprasex. It’s psychic. It’s sexual. It’s liberating. It’s fun. It’s effortless, It’s free. It’s healing. No strings attached. It’s not a substitute for sex, but it is a supplement to it for those who are ready, willing and available regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation or even age, assuming, of course, that everyone involved is emotionally mature enough to participate. And there are many, many people out there who are ready, willing, and available to participate in suprasex. It’s the way sex will be done in the future. It will change the world. It will save the world.) #52 to F.H. K home. 

September 3 dream:  I am to meet someone at 4 o’clock. Woman and I buy beautiful t-shaped rugs. The more we unfold them the more colorful they are.

September 2, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Library closed today. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Talk with Angel, “Sir Allen,” Derek and check out with Ian. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Bump into Johnny immediately after. Jerk off in p.m. Get off on older man getting pantsed in a wrestling match. But don’t feel bad about it ’cause I realize it’s just a part of me feeling retribution for what my father did to me. (*Relates to bully dream from hier, I think.)

September 2 dream:  I have to do quick … ’cause people’s lives are at stake.

September 2 dream:  Take photo of strange-looking but cute guy. He asks if I want to fuck, piss, etc. I say, “Maybe later.” Then he joins our group. And we talk about mothers

September 1, 2024:  Wake up at 8ish. Lots of noise around, so I sleep on cot in my bathroom. Accidentally sleep ’til 12:30. In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. She has lots of male friends courting her. Go to library. Not much time. Start Sorcerer’s Apprentice by Tahir Shah. Pass Canyon Market. See Victor outside market. Talk with him. He heads over to ATM alcove. I walk off. Later I realize he was coming on to me. (*Relates to hawk-crow from hier? Also relates to big bear dream of August 27?) Walk up #52 route to Glenview Drive. #52 bus comes. Driver is beautiful Asian man. I’m his only passenger. I make sure to say good-bye to him as I exit from front door at F.H. K home.

September 1 dream:  Am at nice house with nice guys. Almost jerk off but need a little more privacy.

September 1 dream:  Bully boss gets sucked into tree when I am looking the other way. He gave us tasks we didn’t understand. I was supposed to put cement on top of some mounds of dirt. Later all five still alive get on panel to decide what to do. (*See diary of September 2.) 

August 31, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Black barista at C.B. Go to library. Talk with Librarian No. 3. He’s still reading The Plague by Camus. He asks me what I’m reading.. No Bad Parts about Internal Family Systems. I explain, “My father is not gone. He’s still in here.” I point to my head. See police car parked outside Canyon Market. #35 nowhere around. Walk up Diamond Street. Pass Gold Mine Drive when I get to Diamond Heights Boulevard. Hear hawk but bird flying over my head looks like a crow. (*Relates to Vic on September 1?) I go back to Gold Mine Drive. #35 across the street but it’s not pausing for me like it did hier. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. See Allen and Cole.

August 31 dream:  Pretty self-confident young woman is said to be gay.

August 30, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Start No Bad Parts about IFS (Internal Family Systems). See police car parked outside Canyon Market. #35 is nowhere in sight so I walk up Diamond Street. Get anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “I’m talking. I’m walking.” Later I say, “I’m still talking. I’m still walking. But it’s a beautiful day.” Caller hangs up. Then get second call. Guy wants to sell me “final expenses” insurance. He puts me through to second guy who gets mad at me. He says, “Fuck off. You’re a bastard son of a bitch.” I say, “Go ahead. Let it all out.” He says, “You’re a motherfucker.” I say, ‘I’m the biggest motherfucker you’ll ever meet.” He says nothing. I say, “Is that your sales technique?” He hangs up. I arrive at #35 stop on Diamond Heights Boulevard. I don’t want to get on board, but the bus doesn’t move on. It just sits there with its door open. So I get on. Go to Castro. Fire truck turns corner. Old man smiles at me. I enter 440 Club. Go to urinal. Beginning to get crowded on a Friday night. (*Interaction with callers and visit to 440 Club relates to hawks from hier, I think.) Walk up 18th Street to Portola to Woodside Avenue. #35 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Go home. Then go to W.F. again. See Johnny.

August 30 dream:  Report to duty on time at 9:30 a.m. I may be an officer.

August 30 dream:  Dream of paperback book called “God’s Man.”

August 29, 2024:  Anonymous calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read from Rebels With a Cause about how young boys grow into young men. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. Go to F.H. Gabe there. I give him my “You Rock” stone which I found on August 19. He tells me about course he’s taking about culture. He asks me what culture I identify with. I say, “Well, I’m a gay man so I guess I identify with that culture.” Later I told him, “Sometimes if I’m attracted to a woman, I feel I’m being disloyal to the gay community.” He says, “So you’re bisexual.” I say, “I think we all are, really.” While we are talking, two hawks swoop in together. One appears to be fighting with the other. Later one hawk appears by himself, sort of taking a bow. Take K bus home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. I tell him I like his rings.

August 29 dream:  Ecology test (some 30 questions) is really hard to understand.

August 29 dream:  Get ticket to guy’s hotel room in nice tourist area. But then realize I can’t go there.

August 28, 2024: Anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “Hi. I was hoping you’d call. How are you?” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. #29 and walk to G.P. Black barista at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Justice and Invisible College. Talk with Librarian No. 5. See “Gabe.” Walk outside. See #35 coming in from the Castro. See parked police car. Take #35 to Castro. Go to 440 Club urinal. Feel bouncy happy afterwards. Walk up 18th Street to Portola to M.S. Check out with Derek who shows me photos he’s taken from London and other parts of Europe. #36 to F.H. Run into Gabe again. He’s very happy today. We talk about 30 minutes or more. He says tomorrow will be last time we see each other. I find out he’s 18. I give him my ZontaPhotos website address. Get call from survey folks when I’m talking with Gabe. I hang up on them. K bus home. Translate in p.m. Senes testimony: We all have multiple personalities which were formed in our childhood. Conclusion: Truth man has infinite attributes which are fully developed, unwrapped and gifted.

August 28 dream:  Was in jail of some sort for a month or so. Lots of yoga and use of mushrooms and other plants. I didn’t understand the process. 

August 28 dream:  I discover love seat in truck. I show it to Harriet. Guy with abs doesn’t seem too happy.

August 27, 2024:  Anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “Is this John?” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. I’m wearing my rainbow TYT T-shirt. Mark says, “I like your shirt.” I’m feeling sexy in my tight black T-shirt and satiny red pants. Old guy stands in front of me and just looks at me. Then he sits down with other old guy. Makes me feel like I want somebody to rip my pants off and fuck me. (Kind of like experience of August 13, 2023.) Just then get anonymous call, probably from John. Go to library. Start Justice is Coming by Cenk Uygur. Leave library. Then feel “shitty,” so I return to library and take shits. See police car parked in front of Canyon Market. I already know what I’m supposed to do that I don’t want to do. I must go see Gabe at F.H. Walk up #52 route to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. Gabe is there. Not happy. We briefly say hello. Then my K bus arrives and I get on. Go home.

August 27 dream:  Harriet uses a word I don’t know. I look it up. She asks if I feel left out of group discussion.

August 27 dream:  Big bear is sitting in rec room made for … Most of us walk slowly out. Sarah Flynn and I are going somewhere. I ask Sara Walker, who looks really nice, if she’s going somewhere. She is.

August 27 dream:  Guy says, “These kids know how to start the world over again.” I seem to be afraid of that.

August 26, 2024:  Anonymous caller says nothing. “I thought you were going to call last nite. Or come over.” I say with evil little laugh. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark and Lee at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Religion. It’s a bit too complex for me. Talk with Librarian No. 3 who’s reading The Plague by Camus. Walk up #52 route via Gold Mine Drive to Woodside Avenue. #52 to F.H. Meet up with Muni friend from the last few days. He’s really cute. Really young. He attends Skyline College on the Peninsula. He wants to go into nursing. His name is Gabe. K bus home. Go to W.F. Connect with guy in fresh salad area.

August 26 dream:  Drive up road at night. Lots of cars. I hear my name called out. I raise my arm. (h.o.)

August 26 dream:  I say to myself, “I’m finally learning how to do this. Too bad I didn’t learn earlier.”

August 25, 2024:  See beautiful photo of Russian River. Wonder if it means anything. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Also Lee. Go to library. Read Rimbaud’s “Genie” from Illuminations. See police car parked outside Canyon Market. #35 rolls around the corner. I take it to Castro. Go to 440 Club urinal. And out. Go to W.G. Walk up 18th Street to Portola to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. Connect with F.H. Muni guy from hier. #43 home. Two young guys on #43. Go to W.F.

August 25 dream:  Skiing or riding bike down hill. Heading for meeting at 58018.

August 24, 2024:  Jerk off in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Black barista at C.B. Read from Ken Wilbur’s The Religion of Tomorrow and Rimbaud’s Illuminations. Connect with guy exiting Canyon Market. See police car parked outside Canyon Market. This means I’ll need to do something I don’t particularly want to do. Walk up #52 route. Intend and want to go up Gold Mine Drive, but my body wants to continue on Diamond Heights Boulevard, so I do. Run into bleached blond runner smiling self-consciously. Go to M.S. Check out with Ben and Derek. #44 to F.H. Connect with young Muni worker in black shorts in front of F.H. Take #43 home. Sit in back seat. Notice cute Asian guy sitting next to big black guy. Then Asian guy leans his head on shoulder of black guy. I think this was what I was meant to see. On way into my apartment, talk with woman below me. They are doing some sort of construction. She is very sweet. And says, “Arigato,” Japanese for “Thank you.” Sudden shits at 2 a.m. or so.

August 24 dream:  We’re all waiting for some E.T. to arrive. I say, “I can tell they are coming ’cause my lower abdomen and bowels are going nuts.”

August 24 dream:  Guy in bright yellow outfit hugs and kisses me in cafe. Other guy gets excited and wants to participate.

August 23, 2024:  Insight: Dynamic between what I want to do and what the Universe wants me to do may relate to my back spasms of June 23? Anonymous call in a.m. Caller says nothing. Hangs up. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Lee also. Also cute Uber driver who I’ve met before. Go to library. Finish Mystic Jesus. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. #43 home. Connect with guy in the back of the bus as I exit.

August 23 dream:  Ray Frisby (or someone like him) used to live on Harrison property. He wants to look it up and see if he’s eligible for anything. I said I would. 

August 22, 2024:  Anonymous call in a.m. Caller doesn’t speak. I say, “I’ll see you later.” In ’til 3ish. #43 and J to G.P. Guy at G.P. Market shows me video of woman recently run over by truck outside their door. Go to C.B. Mark there. Woman smiles at me when I look around cafe. See and talk with Vic outside Canyon Market. Then greet Robert outside library. Go to library. Read more from Mystic Jesus. Think about Tim Walz’s son Gus’s reaction to his father’s speech. So much excitement, joy and love. Made me cry. And he’s the one who’s supposed to have a mental illness. (*Relates to woman smiling at me moments before at C.B., I think.) Later I post about this on the BB. After library, I think I’d like to share my happiness with John. Then #35 bus rolls around the corner. Young black guy waiting with me. I notice his new red and white shoes. I say, “I like your shoes.” He says, “Thanks.” I say, “Were they expensive?” He says, “250.” Later I sit near him on #35. He smiles at me as he exits. I go to 440 Club. Hear somebody say, “John,” I think. Feel happy. Walk up 18th Street to Portola to Woodside Avenue. Go to F.H. #43 home.

August 22 dream:  November 22, 1963.

August 22 dream:  Roseanne Barr says she likes my newsletter. I ask her if she’s writing my great new book.

August 21, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #44 and J to G.P. Cute young guy on J who I accidentally fall into. Black barista at at C.B. Also Lee. I notice myself feeling obligated t cater to him. (Just like I did with my father, I guess.) Then his wife came in and I was let off the hook. Go to library. Read more from Mystic Jesus. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Talk with Derek. Check out with Ed. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Talk with Javier. He says there’s lots of shoplifting now that school’s back in session. Check out with woman. Then come back with one item to check out with Cole.

August 20, 2024:  Relentless (and not even cute) steam cleaner near my window. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. John A. calls. Go to library. Talk with Librarian No. 5. Read more from Mystic Jesus. Walk up #52 route. See gay guy from August 2. Little girl playing outside seems to be his daughter. Go to Safeway to take pee. Ask vegetable guy where vitamins are. I almost stutter trying to ask him. Walk to Woodside Avenue. See nice dining room table and two chairs on the sidewalk for somebody to pick up. #44 to F.H. My Clipper card doesn’t work at either the front or back entrance to bus. Sit across from cute young guy with his legs spread. He touches his crotch at least twice. He’s very young. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Someone rings the bell to stop at F.H. but I’m the only who gets off. This is the 3rd time in the last few days that the Universe has commented (in its way) on the appropriateness of the sexual opportunity at hand. K home.

August 20 dream:  Hard-on dream.

August 19, 2024:  Anonymous call. I say in a third-grade, mocking tone of voice “You luuuuve me…” Caller hangs up. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Talk with Librarian No. 5. She asks me how I liked Rilke’s Duino Elegies. I tell her I hadn’t read it. She says it’s really good so I check it out again. Walk towards hot guy in library. He gives me excited smile. Read more from Mystic Jesus. Walk up Diamond Street. Find stone with “You Rock” painted on it. Walk up Gold Mine Drive. Run into guy who looks somewhat like John. He runs into woman who knows him. So we make no connection. Makes me mad. Feels like I am being denied my ability to connect with good-looking men which was the story of my life ’til I left home. Walk to Duncan. #52 to F.H. As I wait on bench in F.H, I connect with blond guy passing in S train. Also dark-haired, good-looking “tough guy” passing on M. K home. Watch all of DNC Day 1. Shits on getting home.

August 19 dream:  Dream briefly of Puerto Rico. (*Relates to seeing “Puerto Rico” at DNC Day 2 on August 20?)

August 18, 2024:  Attend Prosperos Sunday Meeting with John Atwater on Zoom. About 16 attended. Good connection with Janet Cornwell (aka Celtoid Unit) and Heather Williams. At one point the MC allowed for one more question. I saw Heather with her hand up so I told her to go ahead. She deferred to me. I asked my question. Heather seemed so beautiful at this point that I could hardly look at her. (*Relates to first dream of hier, I think.) In’ til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. She says she may have to quit soon. Go to library. Read from Mystic Jesus. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear owl on exiting. Go to M.S. Ian and Ben at check out stations. I choose Ben. Later ”Sir Allen” opens up station as well. Talk with Ben about his schooling. As I leave, I remember to ask about his working at Castro branch of M.S., But he doesn’t seem interested in pursuing that discussion. Go to CVS. Then burrito place. Wait for #43 on one side of the street. See guy sitting at #43 stop on other side of the street. I go to join him and start talking with him. He’s a senior in engineering at Stanford. We get on #43 together and talk ’til I get off at F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Cole there.

August 17, 2024:  in ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Mystic Jesus. I imagine “Mystic Jesus” standing up to my father. See police car in front of Canyon Market. That has come to mean to me that I should do something I don’t want to do. Nasty guy talking on cell phone at bus stop. He gets on #52 bus. Since it’s kind of rainy, I get on, too. Go to F.H. Nasty guy gets off at 5157 Diamond Heights Blvd. K home. Jerk off in p.m.

August 17 dream:  Heather and I go bike riding just before returning to her party with lots of young people. We’re taking bribes for wrestlers?

August 17 dream:  My father, Harriet and me in front seat. My father driving thru S.F. 

August 17 dream:  Walk thru beautiful home with lots of rooms for reading. Meet girl who wants me to kiss her sister. Then we kiss.

August 16, 2024:  Lots of anonymous calls today. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also Lee. Mark tells me about woman who was run over and killed by truck at adjacent intersection. Go to library. Finish Misfits. Get excited about morphic resonance. Walk up #52 route to Gold Mine Drive to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Follow guy on K into W.F. Check out with Harrold and Allen.

August 16 dream:  Staying at hotel where I used to live in S.F. I am going to walk up to office. Guy says, “Why don’t you take the elevator?” I say, “Yes. Why don’t I?”

August 16 dream:  “Won!” headline on SF Chron sports page.

August 15, 2024:  Anonymous call when I’m in the shower. Take BART to Oakland for 2 p.m. VA appointment. Sit across from cutish guy on BART. Then follow him into lobby of internet hotel near the VA. I say to him, “Have you ever stayed here before/” He says, “No. Very funky lobby, isn’t it?” I say, “I’m sure the rooms are funky too.” Go to VA appointment. Touch Kayla’s breast accidentally at one point. Walk up Telegraph Avenue. Kimo not at “Grab and Go.” Go to Berkeley Espresso. Cute guy from July 18 there again. Nice to see him. He’s wearing a “UC Berkeley” T-shirt. I ask, “Are you a student?” He says, “No. I just live in Berkeley.” I say, “That’s cool.” Later I see guy with hot body and tight jeans ordering. I make a point of getting up and making eye contact with him. Feels like we just fucked. Take BART home. Meet Timothy, a freshman from UC Berkeley. I sit next to him on BART. Later I follow him off at 16th Street in S.F. He jumps over the turnstile. For some reason, my Clipper card doesn’t work and I have to ask BART person to help me out. Finally I exit. I think this was the Universe telling me, “Hey. He’s 18. This is not cool.” It’s the second time in the last few days that the Universe has commented on prospective sexual liaisons. (*See diary of August 13.) It implies to me that if the Universe is going to point out wrongful sexual unions, it probably also has some idea of what is a legitimate sexual union. Walk up 16th Street. See guy with “Feeling Feral” written on the back of his T-shirt. I ask him if I can take of photo of it. He gives me okay so I take photo. He gives me devilishly handsome smile afterwards. Go to 440 Club. Nothing happens. Take K home.

August 15 dream:  Stand up for the idiosyncratic way a subcontractor speaks. Fat, bald Republican disagrees.

August 15 dream:  Making cold calls. I say that my number is 114, but it’s really ppp.

August 15 dream:  Talk with Sam Seder and cute girl. Sam and I talk about whether kids should talk about what they believe in at school. I say that’s what I used to do. Cute girl talks about how she doesn’t like aging.

August 14, 2024:  Get email from Prospero repeating my quote from the BB: “There is no you. There is only I.” I return email: “That is brilliant!” In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Black barista at C.B. Go to library. Check in with Librarian No. 4. Talk about her carpal tunnel syndrome. Almost finish Misfits. Walk up #52 route to Gold Mine Drive to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” No school for him this semester. #44 to F.H. K home. Meet guy from Russia at W.F. He’s only been here for a few months. And does not intend to return to Mother Russia. I ask him, “Are they expecting you back?” He says, “Yes.” Check out with Cole. Speak briefly with Allen on way out. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Pain can either be structural or mental. Conclusion: Truth is the painless structure of Mind/Consciousness.

August 14 dream:  Was going to pay some black guy for piano lessons. The sister sitting on a piano was cute, friendly and black. The teacher upstairs was fat and dressed like a pimp. I decide against.

August 14 dream:  Bob M. and me in the Castro. He’s going to give me a gift. And I guess I have something for him which I put on a shelf in the store earlier.

August 13, 2024:  Anonymous call. Read: “Get ready for something big.” In til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Ride with my Chinese lady friend on J. Mark at C.B. Get anonymous call. Caller says: “How are you?” I say “I’m busy.” Go to library. Check in with Robert. After reading from Misfits for a while, there is a fire alarm and everybody evacuates the library. Outside I talk with Librarian No. 3. I tell him that I just saw the DVD of Jane Eyre and that it’s a good movie. Get anonymous call while talking to him and other librarian. I hang up on caller. Go back in. Read more from Misfits. Walk to and thru G.C.P. See: “Good News.” Woman hiker in G.C.P. smiles at me. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Sit near cutish guy who I’m not really  attracted to, though there’s something there. As we both get ready to exit at Lee Avenue, I see “wrong” on billboard we’re passing. And I agree. See and talk with Bakery Dept. guy as I enter back door to my building. Insight: “Good news” relates to me posting the July 12 diary saying that John needs to throw in the towel just like Biden finally did? 2nd Insight: On hearing that my father was going to remarry, I said,”Now I can be a normal boy again.” What I didn’t say: “And not somebody’s woman.”

August 13 dream:  Black woman says, “Thane always had normal shoes.” I say, “What do you mean?” She says, “Sometimes they were white. Sometimes they were red. You know, normal.”

August 12, 2024:  No anonymous calls today. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Also Lee. Go to library. Go to restroom. Scary homeless guy there. He turns on water and leaves. Was he trying to make me more comfortable? Read more from Misfits. Talk with Librarian No. 3. He’s reading Caligula by Camus. Pass #35 bus stop. Bus is about to arrive, but I follow cute young guy up Diamond Street as I did a few days earlier. He’s a much faster walker than me so he loses me quickly. Pass uncovered Corvette on Gold Mine Drive. Family station wagon parked next to it. Walk to Glenview. #52 to F.H. K home. Sit near beautiful guy who gets off at W.P.

August 12 dream:  Thom Hartmann says, “Rape me.” Al Franken says, “Okay.” I stop them. I say, “If you say ‘rape me’ and you say ‘okay,’ somebody may.” Then Thom goes on to talk about guy in gay community who rapes people.

August 12 dream:  “I don’t have cancer” said in intentionally stupid voice.

August 11, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Young male couple on Diamond Street, standing with arms around each other. Mark at C.B. Also Jai Qi. Also Lee. Go to library. Read more from Misfits. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. Check out with Derek. We talk about my new frying pan. With the help of Derek and his assistant and another customer, we try to remember the name of cooking show host: Anthony Bourdain. “Sir Allen” at next checkout station. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Johnny. Then he leaves. Then he comes back. Insight: Three weeks have passed since Biden threw in the towel. John has still not.

August 11 dream:  Large net of … being made for president. Much to do still. (h.o.)

August 11 dream:  Go to her neighborhood in Portland, I think.

August 11 dream:  Pushy woman tries to cut in line ahead of me. And she does.

August 10, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Insight: When people criticize God, I get defensive just like I did with my father. Whether either of them deserve it or not. Scary homeless guy at C.B.,  too. Valentina asks him a question and he sounds really nice. Go to library. Nice talk with Robert (Librarian No. 2) about small stuffed animals standing watch on counter. Read more from Misfits. On way out, talk to Librarian No. 3. I ask him what he’s reading. He hasn’t decided yet. Also talk about the beginning of the novel with Pamela in 1740 or so. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Walk up #52 route. Stop at Safeway Diamond Heights. Then catch #52 to F.H. K home. Beautiful Asian guy boards K. I ignore him ’cause he acts so straight. I forget he’s there ’til I exit. Do double-take but don’t really have time to walk past him. So I stand on the platform ’til the train passes by. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) See “Expect the Unexpected.”

August 10 dream:  Catching up with John F. (or it is John H.?) We’re driving down road. I tell him about Cathedral City. One of his friends on the side of the road introduces himself. He has white hair but is young and formal and reaches out his hand to me.

August 9, 2024:  Anonymous calls. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark and Lee at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Mystic Jesus and The Misfits. Walk to R.C. Take shits. Walk thru G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. Hear, but do not see, hawk on Amber Drive. #52 to F.H. to #43 home. Go to W.F. Run into Bakery Dept. guy as I enter. We walk together. He tells me they’re been busy and they are making cornbread in a new way. He says, “I’m going this way” like he’s anxious to get away from me. Johnny there, too.

August 9 dream:  Big, tall guy comes on to me. I try to avoid him.

August 9 dream:  Guy is forced to initiate cruel man in front of cruel man’s wife.

August 8, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Misfits. Also start The Mystic Jesus by Marianne Williamson. Take shits at library. Take #44 to F.H. K home. Start dinner. Need tortillas. Go downstairs to W.F. Run into friendly Bakery Dept. guy. Also seductive look from guy in elevator as I return home. Insight: Recent body pains may relate to John?

August 7, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Black barista at C.B. Go to library. Finish Walking. Start The Misfits by Colin Wilson. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. See “Sir Allen.” Check out with Derek. We talk about new frying pan I just bought there. “Sir Allen” and Ian nearby. #44 to F.H. K home.

August 7 dream:  Teacher checks out my crotch while giving lecture. He’s very brazen. I am laying down. He leans over and removes the blanket covering me.

August 6, 2024:  Walz in! Was so excited by Walz pick that I immediately donated via ActBlue. But donation didn’t go through so I did it again. Didn’t get receipt as I usually do. It was as if the powers that be (ActBlue) did not approve of my excitement. Anonymous call from Michigan. I say, “Are you calling from Michigan? What are you doing in Michigan?” I say, “I love you,” but caller may have hung up already. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Friendly young woman with yoga mat on J. She tells me about hot yoga center near Embarcadero. Jane (owner) at C.B. Also cute guy with two laptops. We talk briefly. As he leaves, he wishes me a good day. I say, “Thank you.” Go to library. Read more from Walking. See Librarian No. 3 with same shirt he had on hier. Follow cute guy up Diamond which leads me to Gold Mine Drive. Red Corvette is completely uncovered today. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Guy on K who walks up Miramar. Another Grindr, I think.

August 6 dream:  Trying to get together props for a play.

August 6 dream:  Stepsister Laurie is reading my copy of the NY Times. I say, “That costs $2.”

August 5, 2024:  Anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “Why didn’t you call yesterday?” Another anonymous call. Caller says nothing. I say, “Is this one of those burner phones?” Another anonymous call.  Caller says nothing. I say, “You really can’t stay away from me, can you?” In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. John A. calls. Go to library. Have nice talk with Librarian No. 3. He finished Jane Eyre. Was not impressed with the ending. Read more from Walking. Go to Canyon Market. Talk with Victor about cameras. Walk to Glenview Drive. Red Corvette on Gold Mine Drive is partially uncovered. See hawk at Glenview. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Feel really happy on entering. Bakery Dept. guy happy to see me and shows me the corn bread he made. Check out with Cole, who acts like he’s on coke.

August 5 dream:  Feel someone holding my hand. It feels nice. Then I turn around and I don’t like the guy who is holding my hand.

August 4, 2024:  In’ til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also young woman who was very girly and who I was attracted to in spite of myself. Go to library. Read from Walking Your Blues Away by Thom Hartmann. Walk to R.C. Take pee. Walk thru G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. #36 to F.H. K home. Shits on getting home.

August 4 dream:  Working with cousin Leigh. Someone says to her, “If you don’t know how to do something, just ask.” Peculiar curious knowledge.

August 4 dream:  I’m singing “Getting to know you, getting to know all about you.”

August 4 dream:  Move into apartment with other guy who I don’t know or especially like. Discover two large rooms in the back with nice hard-wood floors.

August 3, 2024:  As I leave home, Lidi from next door introduces herself to me and invites me over for whiskey or whatever. Catch #43 to Marina right away. Go to camera store on Chestnut Street. Pass homeless woman I know and like from Glen Park. I give her $10. She says, “Watch for guardian angels.” Buy new battery. Go to Peet’s across the street. Nice looking guy in tight white shorts in line. When I get up from my table, he is standing behind me. When I turn around, he’s no longer there. As I exit Peet’s. I look all around for him but can’t find him. Pretty woman smiles at me. Walk to Polk Street and down to Civic Center area. Then all the way to Castro. Guy in big SUV almost runs me over. Then fist-bumps me. I pass 440 Club but don’t go in. I walk up 19th Street. Then decide to go to M.S. on 18th Street to see if Ben is there. He is! We talk briefly. Woman cashier next to him smiles at me. Walk up to Corbett Avenue. Catch #38 right away. Woman gets up to give me her seat. So I sit next to cute guy I was really hoping to sit across from so I could get a better look. He and older man get up to exit. Bus lurches forward and back. Cute guy falls into my lap. That was fun. Walk to F.H. K home. Cute guy on K I sit across from. As I arrive home, guy is talking on his cellphone in the hallway outside my apartment. It pisses me off. Insight: Maybe i’m the one who needs to throw in the towel, not John. (See diary of July 21.)

August 2, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Man asks me about book I’m reading, Your Inner Child of the Past. Go to library. Read from Ouspensky and Back in Controlhoop. Buy oranges from my friend at Canyon Market. He asks if his oranges are sweet enough. They are. Walk up #52 route. Beautiful guy in tight black shorts smiles at me on his way out the door. Walk up Gold Mine Drive. Follow guy with nice ass and his dog. When guy reaches his home, he half turns and half-smiles at me. Walk to M.S. Check out with Ben. He tells me he also works at Castro branch of M.S. Though he prefers the Portola Drive branch as do I. Go to CVS. Then burrito place. #43 home. Go to W.F. Ask Johnny where the guacamole is. He tells me. Check out with Allen who tells me about drama they had about an hour earlier when an older woman was asked to remove her mask so they could match her ID.

August 1, 2024:  Get anonymous call while I’m in shower. I say, “I’m taking a shower. Can you call back?” Caller hangs up. In ’til 1ish. Take BART to Oakland VA. Hot guy on BART. I sit next to him. Don’t really connect with him. Meet with Kayla, my chiropractor there. Good session. Walk up Telegraph Avenue. Go to “Grab and Go” again to see my friend there. His name is Kimo. Buy 70% dark chocolate bar. Causes pelvic pain all day. (*Relates to last dream from hier, I think.) Continue up Telegraph. Run into Elder Newman and Elder Terry who try to convince me to become a Mormon. They ask me how I pray. I tell then I Translate, which starts with: Truth is that which is so. That which is not truth is not so. Therefore Truth is all that is. I am interrupted by young woman who wants me to go into liquor store to buy something for her. So we stop the conversation there. Continue up Telegraph to UC and then down to Berkeley Espresso on Hearst and Shattuck. My baristo friend from July 18 is there. Get anonymous call. Later guy on Shattuck smiles at me unexpectedly. Wait for F bus to S.F. Nice, tall, young, rich white h.s. student gets on College Avenue bus. Take F home. Happy, handsome Asian guy walking up Fremont Street. Walk up Market. Take K home. Go to W.F. Talk with my brie lady friend briefly. They’re out of ‘Everything” crackers. Then talk to my Bakery Dept. friend who tells me they’re out of cornbread. He says, “In a perfect world…” I say, “It is a perfect world.”

August 1 dream:  Visit Ruth Backlund in Japan. It’s only been about 20 minutes, but hier she couldn’t see me. Her husband is very ill. I told her I would be leaving.

August 1 dream:  Taking stupid class. Can’t figure it out. No lecture. The materials keep disappearing. Finally I leave. Walk down steps in S.F. Fall on ground. I tell guys I’m okay.

July 31, 2024:  Anonymous call. I say, “Are you jealous?” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Black barista at C.B. Go to library. Read from Varieties of Religious Experience by William James. Start The Strange Life of P.D. Ouspensky by Colin Wilson. As I leave, see book titled Not in Love. Then see police car in front of Canyon Market. Then see #35 bus arriving in G.P. so I think it’s a sign I should go to the Castro though I really wanted to walk up Gold Mine Drive again. Take #35. As we pass Gold Mine Drive, sign says, “Road Closed Today.” Go to 440 Club urinal. As I leave, bartender smiles at me. Walk up 18th Street. Start feeling “shitty.” then really “shitty.” Then I’m okay. Wait one minute for #37. Wait one minute for #52 to F.H. K home. Take shits. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis. Conclusion: The spirit of Truth is unimpeded, unexceptional and automatic.

July 31 dream:  John and I (or Tom and I) pack up and leave DMV. I had already got my new license. I’m driving my old ’57 Mercedes Benz. He says he has a friend named Ricardo.

July 31 dream:  Turd floating in pail of water. Toilet disconnected. I’m trying to take shit. The Barbiers arrive home. I shut my door.

July 31 dream:  “F” on my health report card.

July 30, 2024:  Anonymous calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Notice building fire alarm just after I leave home. K and J to G.P. Mark at C.B., back from Bakersfield. Lee also at C.B. Also my friend Noah from the old Fog Lifter Cafe on Ocean Avenue. He seems kind of standoffish. Go to library. Talk with Robert. Also talk to Librarian No. 3 about Jane Eyre. I say, “The Jane Eyre Wikipedia page says the man she falls in love with is a goblin.” He says, “No, he’s just goblin-like.” I say, “I’ve never met anybody in my life who’s goblin-like.” Finish New Man. Talk with h.s. student giving out raffle tickets. #52 route to Gold Mine Drive. Guy in front of his house putting tarp over his hot red Corvette. I say, “Nice car.” he says, “What?” I say, “Nice car.” He says, “Thanks.” He is very attractive, very inviting. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Walk to Glenview Drive. #52 to F.H. Very handsome, friendly black bus driver calls me “old school” as I board. I have my camera strapped over my shoulder. He says, “Did you take any good pictures today?” I say, “A few.” K home. Stand next to cute young Asian guy ’til he gets off at Ocean and Junipero Serra. Go to W.F. Wait in long line just to stand behind tall young man with his mom and younger brother. Then Johnny opens a checkout line so I go over there. He’s wearing a rainbow key chain. As I leave I say, “I like your key chain.” He says, “What?” I say, “I like your key chain.”

July 30 dream:  Sitting in theater alone listening to record album. The guy drops the portable movie screen.

July 29, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K to BPS. Get anonymous call as I’m walking to J train. Caller says nothing. I say, “I’m talking. I”m walking.” Caller hangs up. J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Talk with Lee. He tells me he has idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. Go to library. Talk with Librarian No. 3. He says Jane Eyre has fallen in love with man who is kind of crazy. Feel “shitty,” so take #44 to F.H and K home. Connect with guy on K as I exit. See middle-aged homeless couple who remind me of my parents. I think, “Serves you right.” Have shits as soon as I get home.

July 29 dream:  Super examines my room. There’s a tarp covering upper corner of ceiling, but he says that would have to stay. I’m outside. Building back of us explodes. Then building in front. Then our building.

July 29 dream:  Getting in car. Wrapping up a journey. Feeling happy.

July 28, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Run into my Chinese lady friend from July 10. We smile at each other. Black barista at C.B. Go to library. Read more from New Man. Walk up #52 route to M.S. #52Talk with Angel. Smile at Ben. Check out with Stacy. #43 to F.H. Take train to Castro. Go to W.G. to get razor blades. Dore Alley Fair today. Pass 440 Club coming and going. K home. Meet young skateboarder reading Interpreter of Maladies. He’s very open. As we part at Lee, he says, “Are you going that way?” I say, “Yes.” I order his book recommendation from the library.

July 28 dream:  Lose my wallet.

July 28 dream:  We take in maybe more than $5,000 after talk. I’m counting the money. It’s a warm day in S.F.

July 28 dream:  Woman kissing Biden. He doesn’t like it.

July 28 dream:  What happens when wrestlers go off script?

July 27, 2024:  Calvin calls. Really nice call. He tells me about Paris Olympics. Later I listen to Celine Dion and am surprisingly moved by her. Before the song is over, get anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. She gives me free cookie which is too sugary for my diet. She recommends the movie Dogman. Go to library. Read more from New Man. Talk with Librarian No. 3 on way out. He’s still reading Jane Eyre. Walk up #52 route to Glenview. #52 to F.H. #43 home. Two bratty girls on board kind of take up all the oxygen. Do back exercise in p.m. Notice a bit of self-pity re my back pain.

July 27 dream:  Paying off a bill.

July 27 dream:  Woman teases me for not asking her out.

July 26, 2024:  Get email that Suzanne may have weeks or months to live. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Mark at C.B. He’s going to Bakersfield tomorrow. At one point he and Robert (Librarian No. 2 from next door) talk for quite a while. Makes me uncomfortable. Go to library. Read more from New Man. Really good chapter on praying and on the Lord’s Prayer specifically. Walk to R.C. Then thru G.C.P. to Glenview. #52 to F.H. K home. As I exit K, I see guy entering his apartment gate on Ocean Avenue. Same guy I saw leaving same apartment gate when I started my day a few hours earlier. Makes me happy. Like my day’s adventure has come full circle. Go home. Realize I didn’t have any tortillas. Go to W.F. Young guy smiles at me. I get in line behind him. Allen at next checkout station. He smiles to himself. Johnny ignores me. In p.m. learn that Ted Bundy raped and killed an OSU student In Corvallis in 1974.

July 26 dream:  I tell my employees I can pay for their tips on their coffees.

July 26 dream:  Stuck in traffic. Bloodied man comes to the hood of our car and starts a small fire on the hood. I go out and put a thick rug over it after saying, “I don’t know how to put out a fire.” It works. Later we joke about last time we got pursued. Police arrive to arrest man.

July 26 dream:  On board plane in flight.

July 26 dream:  Try to take official docs out of office/school. Someone stops me at the drinking fountain.

July 25, 2024:  Get anonymous call. I say, “You gotta say something.” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from New Man. Get anonymous call. I say, “I can’t hear anything. Are you talking?” Caller hangs up. Talk briefly with Victor at Canyon Market. Walk up #52 route to Glenview. #52 to F.H. Ask young man working in Safeway parking lot if there are any news racks around. He doesn’t know what a news rack is. K home.

July 25 dream:  Come in 5 – 7% behind. Reading newspaper. (h.o.)

July 25 dream:  Guy with really thick cock and “big black ass,”

July 24, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also Nancy, elderly woman whose name I now know. Go to library. Read more from New Man. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Check out with Ben. Find out he transferred from Sacto State. #36 to F.H. K home. Beautiful, well-built Asian guy drops his phone. I look back. He says, “Sorry.” Later driver gets out of his seat and walks to the back of the train, yelling, “Get off the train!” I thought he was talking to all of us. But he was talking to one guy trying to board. Cute Asian guy and I exchange glances. At Lee, other cute Asian guy gets off and goes to local resto. Later I join him and ask him what he’s eating ’cause it looks really good. It’s “Tan Tan Ramen.”

July 24 dream:  I say, “Don’t shoot the messenger” with premise that one is winning or losing.

July 24 dream:  I distract wolf away from stepsister Laurie. He goes. Raccoon tries to eat orange egg. Can’t get at it. Lots of other raccoon-like animals follow him into cave to kiss him.

July 23, 2024:  Take #29 to Irving and 19th Avenue to cell phone repair place. He was kind of creepy but he replaced my battery within 20 minutes. Take N to Stanyan. Then #37 to Castro. Guy smiles at me on Market. Go to 440 Club urinal. Then walk to 18th and Castro. See short, beautiful, hot, well-built guy walk up 18th Street. Feel lust in my throat. Take #24 to 26th Street. Then walk to G.P. Hear hawk(s) at bottom of Diamond Street. Go to C.B. Mark there. Also Librarian No. 3 and Lee. I talk to Librarian No. 3 about his love of Jane Eyre but not of Wuthering Heights. Go to library. Read more from New Man. Get anonymous call at library. Caller says nothing. I whisper, “I’m at the library.” #52 to F.H. K home.

July 23 dream:  It’s Friday. Too late to work. Today we are working on David Chiu’s campaign.

July 22, 2024:  Anonymous caller says nothing. I say, “Is this a spam call? A John call?” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Beautiful, sweet, hot, young guy on J. Valentina at C.B. Go to library. Finish Destiny. Start The New Man by Maurice Nicoll. Nice talk with Librarian No. 3. He’s reading Jane Eyre now. Talk with Victor outside Canyon Market. Same guy I talked to on July 10. He has his own website, trying to sell T-shirts, I think. Guy doing “crazy” dance down Diamond Street as I walk up Diamond Street. Walk up #52 route and #43 to F.H. Run into Valentina at F.H. as I’m cruising cute guy. We all get on K. She tells me she’s reading Iris Murdoch now. Valentina gets off K at W.P. Go to W.F.

July 22 dream:  AOC and I and other person go to movies. Everyone sits in different areas. So I leave. It’s hailing in downtown S.F.

July 22 dream:  Green light.

July 22 dream:  Woman goes to great huge dog friend. Dog wary of me. Ocean was coming in hard.

July 22 dream:  I thought we were headed to the Tenderloin with guy. He stops at one point and says, “So what are your plans for this evening?”

July 21, 2024:  Biden drops out!. Makes me happy for the rest of the day. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Black barista at C.B. Go to library briefly. Follow cute guy out of library. He leads me to beautiful young man at Diamond and Bosworth. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Go to M.S. Check out with Ben. #44 to F.H. K home. Insight: If Biden dropping out is to be mirrored by John throwing in the towel, when will that happen? Relates to April 5, 2021 dream of “3 weeks”?

July 21 dream:  Dream my body is out of sync. (*Relates to seeing Lourdes movie on July 22?)

July 21 dream:  Dream of Toronto and its sports teams. 

July 20, 2024:  Anonymous call in a.m. Nobody speaks. I say, “Speak!” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. Woman with dog and other woman with dog. Dogs seem to be getting along. Then 2nd dog starts barking. First woman says, “They were getting along, smelling each other’s butts.” I say, “Maybe she (the 2nd dog) didn’t like what she smelled.” #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Destiny. Cute Latino vegetable guy invites me to eat his oranges. Walk #52 route to Woodside. #44 to F.H. K home.

July 20 dream:  Someone gives me the gift of a 30 minute cleaning on YouTube.

July 20 dream:  Looking for Jay Baldwin to set up show. 

July 19, 2024:  Hear doorbell or alarm clock go off in my dream about 11 a.m. (*Relates to shits hier at the same time?) Submit request for repair and Donovan gives me a new doorbell as I leave home about 3ish. #29 to S.J. Avenue. Beautiful, nice, black woman bus driver on #29. Cute guy waiting for J. We have a moment. Go to G.P. Read more from Destiny. Nice exchange with Robert, Librarian No. 2. Feel sexy. Old woman stands near me too long. Makes me laugh. Walk up #52 route to Glenview. #52 to F.H. Sweet, kind woman bus driver. Makes me feel guilty, like I could never be good enough to deserve her kindness. Then let it go. K home.

July19 dream:  Feeling ready to call Grindr. (h.o.)

July 19 dream:  Sitting on rock at ocean’s edge. Ocean is calm and green. Explain to … from this area. We are so ready.

July 19 dream:  Woman doctor says to me, “Homosexual.” I bristle.

July 19 dream:  After event, go to resto for blueberry pancakes or something like that. The front entrance is closed. Have to go to the side. There is a slope down. And a running walkway. I struggle to get to booth. Two companions with me, though I really wanted to be alone. I play order in French. Waiter response in French. I order something called “Jean Jean.”

July 18, 2024:  Get anonymous call in a.m. I am eating. I say, “Pardon my eating.” Go to Oakland VA via BART for chiropractic appointment. Get anonymous call at Balboa Park BART station. Get excited that Biden may quit the race. I think it might mean that John will quit as well. Shits when I arrive at Oakland VA about 11 a.m. Walk up Telegraph. Stop at “Grab and Go” store like I did on July 8. Really nice guy still there. Next time I’ll buy something from him. Very handsome, long-haired drug dealer. I follow him into liquor store. Then see him transacting with black guy on bike. Walk thru UC campus to 1601 Oxford Street. Older woman outside trying to get in. It seems very sterile from the outside. Go to Berkeley Espresso. Very cute new guy helps me order a green tea latte. He says, “Next time you’ll know.” I think, “There’s going to be a next time?!” Take BART home. Go to W.F. Check out with Allen.

July 18 dream:  In nice prison yard with security fence. I think, “Most of the beautiful things come during the day.” (h.o.)

July 18 dream:  Trump may not have been nominated!

July 18 dream:  Check out new apartment with battery and cellphone. They want to let police see us. There’s a go-cart race as I return battery and phone to the fire place.

July 17, 2024:  Monkeybrains guy comes over at 10ish. It’s says my VPN is blocking my internet speed. Take nap. In ’til 4ish. #29 and J to G.P. Black barista at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Destiny. Walk up #52 route. Walk up Gold Mine Drive again. Walk to Glenview. #52 to F.H. K home. Get down on myself all day for my internet problems.

July 17 dream:  Call Pat Haines. She thinks I’m asking her out. I tell her, “I’m gay and I drive a station wagon.”

July 16, 2024:  My internet goes down. Call Monkeybrains. They’ll be by tomorrow. In ’til 3ish. K’to B.S. Lose patience with elderly Asians slowly exiting K. I push them. Then look around to see if anybody noticed. J to G.P. Mark there. Read Chron. They published my letter to the editor. They call it “Worth fighting for.” [Here it is. “The great man says, ‘Fight! Fight! Fight!’ But for what? I ask. Fight against the ‘deep state’ so he can empower those loyal to him rather than to service? Fight for lower taxes for the wealthy? Fight for retribution? His or ours? Fight for Israel ‘finishing the job’ in Gaza? Fight for a unitary executive? Or should we rather: Fight for taking the profit out of health care and providing Medicare for all? Fight for a living wage? Fight for government agencies that protect the environment and the consumer. Fight for a cease-fire in Gaza and a just solution for Palestinians? Fight for the idea of equality for all that underscores democracy? Fight for no one being above the law? Yes, we must fight! Fight! Fight! — for a government of laws, not of men. –Mike Zonta, San Francisco”] Go to library. Read more form Destiny. Nice connection with Librarian No. 3. Walk #52 route. Take Gold Mine Drive. Pass middle-aged man holding football. I say, “Playing football?” (*Relates to final game from Rosa Parks dream?) Go to M.S. See Angel and “Sir Allen.” Go to burrito place. #43 home. Lock eyes with beautiful black guy with “Crusaders” T-shirt as he boards from Riordan High School stop. Hear May 1 in p.m.

July 16 dream:  Bill Cosby at home with a friend. He’s practicing his comedy. A few of us are sitting in balcony seats watching him. He’s playing to us. I think, “I could do better than that.”

July 16 dream:  God is within us all is like the boyfriend we compare to all our other boyfriends.

July 16 dream:  Two men naked back-to-back in bathtub. Get up.

July 16 dream:  Two or three actors decide to go out for Chinese food.

July 16 dream:  Moving guy’s stuff out of nice apartment in somebody’s nice house in nice area of S.F. Three of us doing the moving.

July 15, 2024:  I say “Fuck you” to anonymous caller. In ’til 3ish. Take K and J to dental appointment. Anonymous call while I’m in the dentist’s chair. I say, “I’m at the dentist’s. Don’t call me here.” Go to Eureka library. Then walk all the way up Market to Portola. Run into Valentina and her husband in their car at O’Shaughnessy Boulevard. She says, “I’ll see you on Saturday [at C.B.]” Go to M.S. Talk briefly with Angel. They don’t have any oranges so I take #36 to F.H. People smile at me as I run to catch elevator down. K home. Go to W.F. See Cole. Guy in vegetable section smiles at me like we’re old friends. Then guy in front of me in line smiles at me. Earlier I had agreed to get gum surgery, but later decide against it. Shits in p.m.

July 14, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #8 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also cute guy who appeared to be writing in his journal. I say, “Are you a journalist?” He ignores me. Later run into Jai Qi, the guy working on the new city in Solano County. Walk up #52 route to Woodside. #44 to F.H. K home. In p.m. write “Fight! Fight! Fight!” post for BB, OSF and SF Chronicle. Have huge deja vu while writing it.

July 14 dream:  Start new application.

July 13, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. See Trump assassination attempt on my cellphone. It’s depressing. Go to library. Read more from Destiny. Walk up #52 route to Glenview. #52 to F.H. K home. W.F. Talk with sweet pizza guy with shining smile.

July 13 dream:  Visiting friend in city. Last stop is church choir. Lots of gay men situated in various spots on the wall. When I climbed up wall, guys were making faces like something really smelled. I didn’t smell anything. I climbed down. I am supposed to return home on Thursday and today is Sunday. And we have something scheduled for Thursday as well.

July 13 dream:  Two “Lincolns” take their shirts off and get ready to fight or debate.

July 13 dream:  Black woman singer says about cute young guy, “I haven’t touched him.”

July 13 dream:  Meningitis. (h.o)

July 12, 2024:  Anonymous call in a.m. I say, “Is this John? John’s friend?” Caller hangs up. Later, as I begin to jerk off, get second anonymous call. K and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Finish Mysterious. Start The Secret Destiny of America by Manly P. Hall. It’s really good. Spoiler alert: Our destiny is democracy. Return Mysterious to Librarian No. 4 and Robert. I tell them, “It’s a good book.” Walk up #52 route to M.S. Older black man from April 5 in front of his apartment. Check out with Ed. Realize Biden dream of February 6, 2024 relates not to Biden winning, but to Biden not throwing in the towel even though he knows he’s lost. Just like John. #44 to F.H. My homeless guy from G.P. library gets off as I board #44. K home.

July 12 dream:  Try to remove block of green cheese from inside shoe. (h.o.)

July 12 dream:  Question to green box: How do I pass my graduation test?

July 12 dream:  Box labelled “Hotline to Ecstasy.”

July 12 dream:  Have to feed dog before I go. Second dog appears. Wake up near Jeff B. There is orange suitcase with egg on top. I say, “I think that would make a great photo.” Jeff walks away.

July 11, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Mysterious. Get anonymous call. The ring is loud so I say,”That’s too loud.” Then I whisper, “I’m in the library.” Caller hangs up. Then get second anonymous call. Caller says, “How ya doing, buddy?” I say, “I’m doing pretty good. Now that we’re buddies, I guess.” Caller hangs up. (*Relates to 3rd dream of June 10.) Take #36 and #14 and #24 to Castro. Go to Eureka library. Read more from Mysterious. K home. Guy on Grindr date sits across from me. I turn around to face him. He looks at his phone and gets of at Miramar, just as two previous Grindr people have done. Must be an active Grindr user on Miramar.

July 11 dream:  Someone hoping we don’t spend all of the remaining money responding to the threat.

July 11 dream:  Wild dancing at street party. Man showing it all to woman. Then moving on.

July 11 dream:  “People should learn what to blame.”

July 10, 2024:  Jerk off in a.m. In ’til 3ish. K to B.S. My friendly Chinese lady at S.J. Avenue stop. Take J to G.P. Black barista there. Beautiful policeman stands outside doorway providing perfect framing for his tell muscular build. I take a photo. Later he enters C.B. Barista is taking break. I stand up and tell him, “I’m sure she’ll be back soon.” He says, “It’s all good.” He was wearing a gun and everything. Go to library. Read more from Mysterious. Hier I hated John. Today I want to have sex with him. Apparently, our contract of January 1987 has not yet been fulfilled. As I leave library, start conversation with young man sitting at table and looking at his phone. I joke, “Shouldn’t you be reading a book? We are in a library, after all. He was not amused. Go to Canyon Market. Check out with guy who asks me about my camera. He also takes photos. Walk thru G.C.P. to #52 to F.H. K home. Idea: There should be an amphitheater in front of CCSF Science Hall.

July 10 dream:  Two new onramps to S.F. freeway.

July 10 dream:  Rich guy insists bar of soap in resto.

July 10 dream:  John still handsome, playing some kind of loud board game with someone. I walk out of resto, tired.

July 10 dream:  See Bob M. Try to get together with him. Have to go thru low, narrow doorway.

July 9, 2024:  No anonymous or spam calls today! K to B.S. Short, nice-looking guy dressed in black asks me for $10 for CalTrain. Except CalTrain doesn’t stop at B.S. He says, “Can you offer me $10 today?” I say, “No, I can’t.” He says, “Yes, you can.” I walk to J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also Lee. Go to library. Read more from Mysterious. Librarian No. 3 wearing his tam today. Take #35 to Castro, thinking I would go to Eureka library which stays open ’til 8 p.m. But decide to take K to F.H. and walk to M.S. Check out with Ed. Talk with Angel. “Sir Allen” there as well. #36 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Ask Johnny where the croutons are? His co-worker shows me. Check out with Cole. Hear sexy voicemail from 5:32 p.m. “How are you doing?” (*Relates to dark green-gray women from 2nd dream of July 7, I think.) RHS Valentina/Mom: “Don’t make fun of me! I come from God!”

July 9 dream:  Link to couples names put on billboard. (h.o.)

July 9 dream:  View of Weatherford Hall (at OSU). Some of my allies letting others and getting together with them. Letting of garbage bin.

July 9 dream:  At the rectory (Thane’s house), lots of my old skin coming off. Thane is there somewhere. I’m molting, as Thane said years ago.

July 9 dream:  Abandoned school in S.F. I walk around it. Two guys there. I say, “Are you going to get in my way?” They say, “No.” I’m not worried ’cause I have really great shoes on.

July 9 dream:  Earthquake in Las Vegas.

July 8, 2024:  Anonymous call: “We’re taking you off our call list.” I say, “Thank you.” In ’til 11ish. As I get on #29 to B.S., I see Johnny exit #29. Take BART to Oakland. Electronic sign on BART says “End of the line” throughout the trip. Get off at 19th Street. Walk to VA center. Lots of black guys out on the street. Many very friendly. Read from Mysterious while waiting for chiropractic appointment. Chiropractor is well-tattooed woman. Feel good about her. Walk up Telegraph. Stop in store to buy newspaper. Cashier there is so thrilled to see me, It freaks me out and I flinch. (*Relates to little bird on July 6, I think.) Continue up Telegraph to gas station mart. My throat dries up and I find it difficult to breathe. Buy soda and newspaper from rude cashier. Walk up Telegraph and down Bancroft. Find new cafe at Shattuck and Hearst. Look for 1801 Oxford Street apartment. Don’t find it. (I find out later that it’s 1601 Oxford Street.) Want to take F bus home, but the wait is 24 minutes. So I take BART to B.S. #29 home Go to W.F. Check out with Johnny. He’s not wearing a mask and he’s very handsome.

July 8 dream:  Helping prepare food for lots of people. Harvard is competing and makes it rain on everybody.

July 7, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and walk on S.J. Avenue. Man working on his scooter on S.J. Avenue. He is kneeling down, exposing the thong he’s wearing. I turn around and say, “Nice bike.” He gives me stunning smile. Then catch J to G.P. Old Chinese lady exits J as I enter. It’s the same Chinese lady from hier. We both smile at our inability to speak with each other. Valentina at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Mysterious. Walk thru G.C.P. Go to M.S. Buy drink with turmeric in it from Derek. Ian and Angel in background. #52 to F.H. Get off midway there and walk back to check out something I rushed by earlier. It wasn’t much. But changed my timing so I later run into jaunty guy getting off the K and walking up Miramar. He may have been on a Grindr date. Hope I run into him again. Insight: Inflammation is overreaction of the immune system. Turmeric seems to be doing something, so I’ll try it daily for a while.

July 7 dream:  Dream about Tom C.

July 7 dream:  Three dark green-gray young women keeping popping up. I finally see them in stairway. I say to them, “I want to give you back whatever you give to me.” But I can hardly do anything.

July 6, 2024:  Wake up to “11:11”on my laptop. Get anonymous call. I say, “Buenas dias. Como esta usted? Hablas Espanol? Hablas Ingles? Hablas anything?” No response. I say, “Fuck you!” (*I was a little wobbly, but I stood up to John. I stood up to my father.) In ’til 3ish. #49 and walk to G.P. Try to tell Chinese woman at S.J. Avenue and Ocean that the train will not be stopping there today. She could speak no English and I could speak no Chinese. Black barista in bad mood at C.B. Go to library. Compliment Librarian No 3 on his tam, which matches his shirt. Read more from Mysterious. Fat guy sits next to me. I get in touch with my anger towards anybody who wants to come on to me without my consent. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear owl on exiting. Go to M.S. Check out with Ben, Derek and “Sir Allen.” #44 to F.H. Nice looking guy I sit behind gets off at W.P. See cute guy sitting at Plymouth and Ocean. When I exit K at Lee, walk back to Plymouth to connect with him. As soon as I approach bus stop, he gets up and moves away. I decide to let him be. Later watch as #29 passes by with him on it. Walk thru W.F. See Johnny without his mask. He looks like a completely different person. Much like Silvio did. At home, little bird flies toward my open door. I try to close it.

July 6 dream:  Trying to hide something from somebody. (h.o.)

July 6 dream:  Little black kid has Ph.D. in him.

July 6 dream:  Cut off some loose strands of hair that my barber June missed. 

July 5, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to June’s for haircut. He keeps joking about me having girlfriends. I tell him twice I have boyfriends. We also talk about a hypothetical child of his going to private school rather than public school. Walk to G.P. Mark and Lee at C.B. Young Asian boy and his young dog outside library. We smile at each other. Go to library. Read more from Mysterious. Policeman says hello as he passes me in the stacks. Go outside. See #35 arriving. Take it to Castro. Go to urinal at 440 Club. One catch in my throat at urinal. As I leave, have to walk behind slow-walking old woman with cane. Walk up 18th Street and Portola to M.S. #36 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Young man dressed in white pants and white sweater. Later in adjacent aisle, he bends over for me, I later realize. Then second young guy in white connects with me as we both head to checkout station. In p.m. read over VA letter preparing me for MRI on Sunday. Decide to cancel my appointment. (*Relates to first dream of June 30, I think.) Now I feel in control again.

July 5 dream:  They’re following me. (h.o.)

July 4, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Calvin calls around 3 p.m. We talk as I take #29 and J to G.P. Black barista at C.B. Finish conversation with Calvin. I tell him I think The Prosperos is more interested in protecting the teaching than it is in disseminating it. He tells me he loves me. I tell him I love him and that we have a connection which began in 1968 and will last to eternity. Lee also there. We have really nice talk, too. Bathroom at C.B. is closed and library is closed next door. So I plan to walk to R.C. See #35 arriving from Castro. So I take it back to Castro. Go to urinal at 440 Club. Then walk down Castro, trying to avoid crazy black homeless guy who is walking on his haunches and making weird sounds. Is this a projection of negativity by John? Walk up 18th Street to Portola to #52 to F.H. K home.

July 4 dream:  Little black toddler. Mother says, “My baby doesn’t like you in the room with me.” I say, “Really?” ‘Cause I love him. I think, “He’s got so much to learn.”

July 3, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 to S.J. Avenue. Walk to G.P. Braless white woman in red sundress. Am I going straight? Mark at C.B. Also young Asian guy with older guy. Also beautiful Uber driver who I say hello to. His smile is overwhelming. Go to library. Finish Alchemist. Walk home via Circular Avenue. Follow cute Arab guy with big dog from Diamond and Bosworth to Monterey Boulevard. I catch up to them at intersection. Dog comes over to me. I say, “Big dog.” Guy says, “How’s your beautiful day going? “ I say, “Yeah, it is a beautiful day.” Walk home. Go to W.F. Meet handsome black guy at refrigerated food section. Also Bakery Dept. guy who recommends the chorizo fake meat to me. I check out with Cole. Handsome black guy gets in line behind me. I tell him, “I hope you enjoy your [fake] meat.” He says, “The chorizo is my favorite.” I say, “I’m sure it will be wonderful.”

July 3 dream:  Big Michigan vs. Michigan football game coming up. I ask woman with “M” hat, “How can Michigan vs. Michigan?” She ignores me. I tell her, “I hope Michigan loses.” At oceanside. High tide. Big wave comes in. I try to take photo of it.

July 2, 2024:  Read about early morning fire at Geary and Leavenworth apartment which resulted in the death of one man. This is the block where John lives ‘though it’s not his apartment building. In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Also Lee (my older friend) at C.B. Also Asian guy working on computer animation. Go to library. Read more from Alchemist. Librarian No. 3 not wearing shorts today as he did hier. I mention this to him. Walk up #52 route to F.H. K home. Cute gay guy offers me seat he was headed towards.

July 2 dream:  About to spend two days in room in Kansas. See beautiful redwood tree thru window. I sit on bed, leaving room for woman to sit nearest the headboard. There will be six of us. Maybe more. It might be something political.

July 1, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and #38 to VA. Sit next to cute, smiling, I think, guy on #38. Getting toenails cut. Make MRI appointment for Sunday. #5 to #44 to G.P. Meet at C.B. Go to library. Librarian No. 3 wearing shorts. No tam today. Exit library. Wait for #52 at Chenery. Then walk to Bosworth. #52 comes immediately. #52 stops to chat with driver of #35. so I get off #52 and get on #35 to Castro. Go to 440 Club. Go to urinal. No catches in my throat. No sighs. Nothing. Walk and #33 to Corbett Avenue. Walk to M.S. Talk with Angel. I tell him, “I see you’ve been promoted to vegetables.” He tells me that he puts the least ripe vegetables on the bottom. #44 to F.H. K home. Insight: My father and John both are little boys behind a mask of power. My father the power of being a father. John the power of being a beautiful man in the world of gay men.

July 1 dream:  Freud’s son was having mental problems.

June 30, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library briefly. Leave early. Walk up #52 route. Pick up The Alchemist from free neighborhood library. Want to go to Castro to see Pride excitement. Really want to go there to see if I might run into John. I could wait 7 minutes for #35 or walk all the way there, but decide against it. It felt like I was pushing things too much. (*Relates to coyotes from hier, I think. My inner selves really wanted to go see John in spite of everything he’s done to me. The Universe’s way of showing me that despite all the things my father did to me, I still wanted his love. Also to graduation tassel dream and San Francisco population dream from hier?) Walk to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home.

June 30 dream:  Return on plane. Not as hard as I thought. Check my wounds.

June 30 dream:  Older woman and young man named Michael in nice part of L.A.

June 29, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 to San Jose Avenue. Wait over 30 minutes for J. Finally see sign saying it will not be coming to this stop today. So I walk up San Jose Avenue. At Red Sea Pizza, pass three young men. Want to connect with guy in the middle, but he connects with me first. He says, “I like your pants.” I say, “Thank you.” I was wearing my red pants. And he was beautiful in face and spirit. Walk to G.P. Valentina at CB. She asks me how I am. I say, “Great.” Then I tell her the story about the young man who liked my pants. Go to library. Finish Polyvagal. Walk thru lower level of G.C.P. Hear what sounds like dozens of coyotes screaming and howling. I walk towards them but don’t see them. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Connect with beautiful guy as I exit W.F. Insight: My feeling of being betrayed by my body echoes my feeling of being betrayed by my father.

June 29 dream:  Get $6,000 check in the mail for one of my classes. I’m supposed to go meet man at his hotel. I think he’s from another country. I add my assets up and now I have about $70,000.

June 29 dream:  Graduation tassels.

June 29 dream:  S.F. has population of 980,000. Makes me very happy.

June 28, 2024:  Shits in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. She asks me how I am. I say “Good.” She says, “What would it take to make you great?” Go to library. Read more from Our Polyvagal World. Walk thru lower level of G.C.P. Go to M.S. Check out with “Haircut Ed” and Ben. Ben not happy to see me. #52 to F.H. K home. Cute gay couple. One is black-haired Asian. Other is blond white guy.

June 28 dream:  Marianne Williamson reading on gay class to me in front of her white, hillside home. She mentions dogs and I say, “Do you have any dogs?” And she goes into her house and man brings out two dogs on a leash. I lay down on the ground and adjust my shorts so I’m not exposing myself.

June 27, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Start Our Polyvagal World. About to check in with Librarian No. 4 but other librarian gets in the way. Sit next to cute guy at library. He moves away. Check out other cool guy who wanders over with his bigger girlfriend. Leave library. #35 rolls around the corner. I don’t intend to go to 440 Club. No catches in my throat, but big sigh. I pass 440 Club. Then realize I probably should take a pee. So go in to urinal at 440 Club. Then walk out. Pass Namantha outside his resto. He looks a lot more mature. I think he is smiling at me, but he’s smiling at somebody behind me. Walk up 18th Street to Corbett. Pass two-bedroom apartment for $3,495/month. Young dog barks at me on Corbett. His older owner catches up to him. #52 to F.H. Wilson Fong from VA calls me telling me my PSA has “skyrocketed” to 22. K home. Guy on K who tries to hide from me. Insight: Wilson Fong said I had inflammation. Inflammation is the body’s effort to get rid of foreign or unwanted or threatening forces. Now I know where my inflammation comes from:  my inflamed ego.

June 27 dream:  One of the band mates says, “Mommy.”

June 26, 2024:  Go to VA at 11:30 a.m. Check out hot guy who I sit next to on #29. Have good session with Wilson Fong. Visit MRI department. Talk with Arnell who tells me I can go in feet first. Makes me anxious to get started. See Lee (my C.B  friend) on way out of VA. Walk to 9th Avenue and Judah. See Bruce there. He tells me he just got back from hiking in Marin County. Take #44 to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Finish Father’s Arms. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. See Johnny in background. John A. calls in p.m.

June 25, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Father’s Arms. When Walt tells his father that he’s gay, father fears he made him gay due to his sexual abuse of him. Is this how my father felt about me? Talk with Librarian No. 3 about his tam o’shanter. It’s his favorite hat. Take #35 to Eureka library since they stay open ’til 8 p.m. See three police cars in the neighborhood on the way. Read more from Father’s Arms. See beautiful guy come in. As he exits, I approach him as he looks at library handouts. When I get close to him he’s not as attractive as I thought. Librarian says, “Can I help you with something?” He says, “Just browsing.” Take K home. Beautiful guy gets off at 14th Avenue.

June 25 dream:  Trying to keep spider in box ’til it’s time for the meeting.

June 24, 2024:  Email from William F. in response to my High Watch Translation Service request, indicating that he would Translate for me. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go go library. Read more from Father’s Arms. Sit out in sun. Librarian No. 3 walks by. He’s got quite a masculine walk. Take #44 to M.S. Check out with Ben. I ask him about his wooden pig. He says he’s wearing it underneath his shirt. K home. Online work. Make appointment to see my primary at the VA on Wednesday. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Allopathic medicine doesn’t take the whole person into account. Conclusion: i’ve got to be my own doctor. Insight: Exorcise means to break an oath.

June 24 dream:  “Reach” [underlined twice].

June 24 dream:  Visit neighbor’s house. I think, “Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a house of my own?” Accidentally walk in. I don’t know the old lady who lives there. She has large, delicious-looking pastry in her refrigerator. I wonder, “Does she spend all day cooking?” Suzanne and her mother Liz are there. I walk on. Get stuck in sidewalk in pile of dirt. Try to find solid ground.

June 23, 2024:  After watching Mysterious Skin movie last night, have crippling attack of back pain and muscle spasms. Can’t walk to my bathroom. Gradually it decrease a bit so I can sleep for a few hours. When I wake up, I manage to take two buses to the VA emergency room. They give me pain killers and muscle relaxants. Take long nap when I get home. When I send in High Watch Translation request, I mention the movie Mysterious Skin and that it’s about childhood sexual abuse. At first I think, “They’ll think I’m the   abuser.” Then I think, “They won’t believe me.”

June 23 dream:  Empty Bay Times office as well as many other vacant offices in S.F.

June 23 dream:  Some policeman’s beautiful ass.

June 22, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K and #29 and J to G.P. Black barista at C.B. Go to library. Finish Beyond Betrayal. Start In My Father’s Arms. Talk with Librarian No. 3 and Robert, Librarian No. 2. Shits at library before I leave. Walk thru lower level of G.C.P. #52 to F.H. #43 home. Sit across from beautiful young man. I’m wearing my shiny red pants and my legs are open. Almost home, I feel handsome guy across from me is checking me out. Makes me very happy. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole.

June 21, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Go to library. Talk with Robert (Librarian No. 2) Read more from Beyond Betrayal. Author asks us to write down numbers from 1 to 5. Then use five words to describe yourself. I write: 1) honest 2) spiritual 3) sexual 4) handsome 5) pretty. Walk to G.C.P. Take shits at R.C. Walk thru lower level of G.C.P. to M.S. “Sir Allen” helps me find baguettes. Check out with “Haircut Ed” just behind cute young guy I wanted to get closer to. Ed tells me he used to work for Comcast. Ian there, too. #36 to F.H. K home. Lots of lower back spasms in p.m. Realize these spasms may relate to guy with “Miami” T-shirt I saw on June 16, indicating the final simultaneous games in Washington, D.C., and Miami from my Rosa Parks dream of 1995.

June 21 dream:  Visiting tourist town, trying to retrieve my big jar of something before I go. Finally break thru crowd. Pass old building where I used to have things printed up. My jar doesn’t appear to be where I left it.

June 20, 2024:  Wonderful orgasm in a.m. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Meet guy just back from Italy. He’s reading Henry James book. Valentina gives me some nuts she roasted herself. Go to library. Nice talk with Robert. Read more from Beyond Betrayal. On walk up Diamond Street, pick up copy of Mystic River (at little free library) which I had just read about in Beyond Betrayal. Walk up to Addison Street. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Ask Allen if they have vegetarian meatballs. They do, but they’re out of stock.

June 20 dream:  Guest reading program of sunlight and moonlight to work on her response.

June 20 dream:  Trying to watch okay movie about creation. Find dark lagoon.

June 20 dream:  Larry, Uncle Larry’s son or grandson, is getting married. We’re at reception. I say, “Where’s the happy couple?”

June 19, 2024:  Big lower back spasm. I scream out in pain. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B., back from wedding. Library closed for Juneteenth. Walk up #52 route to Addison. #52 to F.H. #43 home. Catch up on online backlog. Translate as soon as I get home. Sense testimony: Muscle spams are sometimes the result of unresolved emotional conflicts. Conclusion: Life is voluntary, non-exclusive, harmonious.

June 19 dream:  Much of what i’m saying in her book is quoting the King.

June 19 dream:  Guy asks for my autograph. Then takes the pencil away to ask autograph of guy sitting next to me.

June 18, 2024:  In’ til 2:30ish. K to Sterling Bank. Look into the 5% C.D. with Andy and friend. Walk to Castro. Go into 440 Club. Nobody there. #35 to G.P. Black barista at C.B. Go to library ’til 5:45ish. Take #35 to Castro to go to Eureka library which stays open ’til 8 p.m. Follow guy from #35 down Market (and away from the 440 Club) just as quail followed me up trail hier at Glen Canyon Park. Go to Eureka library. Read more from Beyond Betrayal. Feel bouncy happy as I enter Castro Muni Station. (*Relates to beautiful woman I see as I enter K, I think.) K home.

June 18 dream:  For many years, stand behind new Nazi.

June 18 dream:  They committed a crime as a crime could be.

June 18 dream:  Tom O. tells me he’s thinking of moving to Boston.

June 18 dream:  Naked guy showing off for me. I’m half attracted.

June 17, 2024:  Fake “Geek” company calls in a.m. I tell him his company is a fraud. He says, “No problem.” In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Beautiful black woman Muni driver on #29. Black barista at C.B. Also cute guy with MacAir. I wanted to ask him about his MacAir but my back was really hurting and I didn’t know if I could make it over to him without a major dramatic moment. Go to library. Read from Beyond Betrayal. Read that sometimes sexual abuse of boys causes “pee shyness.” Hmm. Walk up #52 route. Feel “shitty.” Go to R.C. Take shits. Walk thru lower level of G.C.P. Go to M.S. See “Sir Allen.” Check out with Ben. We talk about wooden pig necklace his mom gave him. I wanted to bring up the “hamsa” bracelet I was wearing, but didn’t know how to explain “hamsa.” #36 to F.H. K home. In p.m. realize my back pain is my father trying to prevent me from connecting with anybody else. Like he did with Kathy Warfield.

June 17 dream:  Typing something very difficult to type. Lots of books underneath what I’m typing so I can see it better.

June 16, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also strange old guy who told me that he’s looking for a place in the Southwest. Go to library briefly. Walk to Chenery. #35 comes bounding around the corner so I take it to the Castro. Go to 440 Club. One catch in my throat. Go to urinal. Walk out. Buy two “hamsa” bracelets from homeless guy at 18th and Castro. Walk up 18th Street to Portola to F.H. See guy with “Miami” T-shirt on Corbett. Walk to F.H. K home. Tom C.-like skateboarder gets off at Miramar.

June 16 dream:  At work with my father and nice black woman. Me wondering if my father was going to hit me. A really thin Bob Meslinsky comes in to our building and starts to light it on fire. Try to win without violence. In the end, me and George Castanza and other guy ride home in victory in convertible with Palestinian scarfs on.

June 15, 2024:  As I wake up, I remember the so-called “Geek” I dealt with over the phone asked me to be sure that I saved the password on Google. This got me to thinking maybe I could do something, like change my password. Later, Alex, the real Geek Squad guy comes by about 1:30. He says he remembers being here on May 22, 2021. (Later I look it up in my diary and he’s right, to the day.) He says the problem is not the router. It’s my 14 y.o. computer. In ’til 4:30ish. #29 and J to G.P. Black baristo just closing up. I order jasmine tea with steamed foam and oatmeal cookie to go. Go to library. Read from Beyond Betrayal. Talk with Robert, Librarian No. 2. Walk up #52 route. Driver on Diamond honks at me as I bend over to take photo of stuffed cat. Go to burrito place. #43 home. In p.m. see “Your love will come your way Monday” on movie I’m watching.

June 15 dream:  Guy is being very sexual. Other guy asks if I’m going to keep him on. I say, “Not sure. Depends if he wants to go to the next level.” (h.o.)

June 15 dream:  Loud, obnoxious man wants to load van with me. Someone in wheelchair is getting off. First man starts talking to me about Ali Velshi’s boobs.

June 15 dream:  Somebody shaving off parts of my face which I missed.

June 14, 2024:  In ’til 1:30ish. #29 and J to G.P. Beautiful smiling guy reading The 48 Rules of Power by Robert Greene on #29. See “Thank You Very Much” on San Jose Avenue. Glen Park Market guy opening up. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Make friends with guy who was “competing” with me hier. Work on book. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Computer spies can steal your assets. Conclusion: Truth is a sure asset. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Check out with Derek. “Sir Allen” excited about strange woman he met? I say to Derek, “Has Allen been having adventures?” He says, “He’s always having adventures. But he’s careful.” Ben at next checkout stand looking overwhelmed. Think maybe this computer mess relates to the final games of my Rosa Parks dream. It has certainly been intense. And I was willing to go along with the ruse of the fake “Geek Squad” just like I did with my father. But at least I did catch on this time. Unlike with my father, I stand up to the fraud, even though I fear they have the ability to throw me out of house and home. Last time I felt this bad for days was in April 1987 when I failed to hook up with John and couldn’t figure out  why. Thane used to say nobody gets conned unless they are conning themselves in some way.

June 13, 2024:  Realize my online “Geek Squad” may be a fraud. Shits and two catches in my throat before I take #49 to Best Buy to find the real “Geek Squad.” Wait in line for almost an hour. Old woman there tries to cute in front of me and other guy. Pay $149.99 for appointment on June 15 anywhere from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. That’s quite a window. Walk thru Mission and Valencia and take #49 home. Come back to find my internet is connected and that my online “Geek” people had used the GoTo Assist Customer app which I had allowed hier but this time they did it without my being there. Leads me to all sorts of concerns about my web safety. Later internet goes down again. #29 and old S.F. trolley to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Work on book. Some nasty competitors there. I didn’t plug in my laptop so my computer goes black after a while. And left a lot of my work unsaved. Decide to go home right away. Waiting for #23 and looking lost, guy comes out of local UPS store and says, “Are you here?” I say, “No.” Order banh-mi next door. My #23 bus comes so I can’t even wait for my bank-mi. #23 drops me off at Gennessee. Walk home from there. Go to W.F. Johnny ignores me.

June 13 dream:  Put in prison. Demand longer table for my things. (h.o)

June 13 dream:  Me and three dogs walking home to Jackson Street in isolated neighborhood. The dogs seems to be on my side.

June 12, 2024:  #49 to Best Buy in a.m. Buy new route. Stop by Monkeybrains, my internet provider. John and Michael there help me out. John is very sweet. Shakes my hand with both his hands. They assure me everything’s fine on their end. #49 home. Can’t log in to new router. Call Geek Squad, or who I think is Geek Squad. Very heavily-accented guy treats me like an idiot which really triggers me. Then he tells me to go back to Best Buy to buy an ethernet LAN cable. Which I do. Fun girl at 14th and Folsom and friendly guy when I peek into “Standard Deviant Brewery.” Beautiful young man with Aztec nose on #49 home. He smiles once he gets off the bus. Talk more with Geek Squad guy for about an hour or two. When he got off the phone, my internet was connected. A minute later, it was not. Translate p.m. Sense testimony: Some people are not as smart as they think they are: Conclusion: Truth is non-exclusive worth.

June 11, 2024:  All day trying to restore router. At first I blame apartment ’cause my internet always goes down during their not infrequent fire drills. Woman in black appears in the lobby on my way to building office. Finally Netgear guy says it’s a hardware problem. Will buy new router at Best Buys tomorrow. Woman in black appears again when I finally give up at about 8 p.m.-ish.

June 10, 2024:  Lots of anonymous calls. Submit lease online. In ’til 3ish. #29 and j to G.P. Valentina there. Valentina goes to table and talks with two guys I don’t know. I feel very uncomfortable. Had to work on that on the spot. Go to library. Work on book. Walk to R.C. Take shits. Walk thru lower area of G.C.P. #44 to F.H. K home. Talk with 18 y.o. SF State student. He has alto sax with him. He’s quite open and shares with me and Muni worker there photos of Gaza demonstrators at S.F. State. He says he’s a big fan of Kenny G. He gets off at Dorado. Shortly after I get off at Lee, run into cute guy and gal. She smiles at me. I admire guy. He pulls down his pants in the back. Shows me his butt briefly. Computer dies in p.m. I start to blame myself. Listen to No Bad Parts.

June 10 dream:  Forgot to send my gay marriage certificate to a total stranger.

June 9, 2024:  Jerk off in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also Solano city planner I had met before. Older man sitting near me. I say internally, “If you touch me, I’ll kill you.” Library closed so I walk in the sun for a bit. See cute guy waiting for bus. I follow him onto #35 to Castro. He gets off before I do. Go to 440 Club. Two catches in my throat beforehand. Go to urinal. Not much happens. Exit quickly. Pass Namantha’s resto. Worker there says to me, “Good job.” Pass W.G. Step inside to check out beautiful guy at counter. Walk up 18th Street to Portola to #44 to F.H. K home. Work on lease renewal in p.m.

June 9 dream:  At close of assembly, Carol Carter tries to lift her lower body up with her legs. Kind of like a sit-up. Psychologist says, “No, you can’t do that ’cause of your leg.” Then Carol decides to lift just one side. Then she decides to liff with her stomach muscles and everybody cheers. Later I approach older man, “Do you know Kathy Warfield?” He says, “Yeah, I’m her husband.” He was big, overweight and macho but he said that she was here somewhere!

June 9 dream:  Supposed to meet John and my father at my place. John brought a friend with him. My father came in the form of a cockroach. I killed the cockroach.

June 8, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and walk to G.P. Want to get nicer bag for my wedding gift to Valentina. So I Translate. Go to gift store where I bought the gift. They have many colorful bags there. Go to C.B. Give Valentina her gift. She’s really overcome by both the packaging and the gift. I bought her a stuffed animal robin. She gives me big hug and comps my drink. Later I look up spiritual significance of the robin. Seeing a robin, according to the internet, means the presaging of a new chapter in your life. I think this relates to me as well as to her. Makes me happy for the rest of the day. Go to library. Work on book. Compliment Librarian No. 3 on his colorful tam. He says he’s not Scottish. Walk up #52 route to M.S. See Derek. He’s taking photos of soda cars. I suggest the photos might also have aesthetic value. Mention what Warhol did with Campbell soup cans (though I said Coca-Cola cans). Derek didn’t seem to know who Warhol was. Check out with Ed. #44 to F.H. K home. Strange guy on K who I had fantasized about before I got a closer look at him. In p.m. get down on myself for feeling pelvic pain. Catch myself and the pain lessens. Later see “Corvallis” in p.m.

June 8 dream:: Scheduled to give talk in a few days and then again that evening. Plus some other events. Other people giving talks as well.

June 8 dream:  Hang out with Elliott D. and Sophia from Peet’s in their car. Something coming up in September or December.

June 7, 2024:  In ’til 9:30ish. #29 and #38 to VA. Horde of school kids get on #29 on Sunset to Golden Gate Park. Order new reading glasses and computer glasses. Go to same hardware store I went to on May 22. Wasn’t expecting good service. Last time he asked me if I wanted to buy a new flashlight. So I Translate as best I can in my head. Same guy was there this time though he was very friendly and insisted on putting the batteries into the flashlight himself. Then he asks, “Is there anything else I can do for you?” I wished there was. I feel so grateful. I feel willing to do whatever he likes. Take #31 and #44 to G.P. Buy gift (stuffed animal, a robin) for Valentina’s wedding. Go to C.B. Mark there. Go to library. Work on book. Nice-looking young black guy there. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Check out with Sally who tells me her church is St. Finn Barr’s down the street. Last time I spoke to her was on September 28, 2022. Insight: It wasn’t the abandoning. It was the gas-lighting.

June 6, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to C.B. Black barista there. Go to library. Work on book. Walk up Diamond for the three steepest blocks. Then take #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. See Virginia. Work on book in p.m. My laptop loses all the work I did on my book, but I redo it pretty quickly. Insight: In his 1994 letter to me my father tried to gas-light me into thinking that he didn’t abandon me (and my brother Tom). It was me who was at fault for not respecting my stepmother enough.

June 5, 2024:  Fire alarm in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. I want to get her a wedding gift, I think. Her wedding date is June 14. Go to library. Work on book. Cute young guy pauses for me as he exits library. Walk thru G.C.P.. #52 to F.H. I have to ask for him to let me out! K home. Go to W.F. Get provolone cheese from young beautiful, cheese lady I met on January 18. Check out with a very helpful Allen. Get phone call while he’s helping me and I hang up. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: My wealth is dependent on others. Conclusion: Truth’s wealth is My command.

June 5 dream:  Guy in pony tail looking for something. (h.o.)

June 5 dream:  VP Harris is a lawyer at a law firm I work at.

June 4, 2024:  in ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Work on book. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Check out with Ian. As I leave, I realize I had lost my new Palestinian scarf. Ask around M.S. if anybody has seen it. No luck. Go outside. Decide to retrace my steps. Think I should probably Translate this. Then think how is the Universe going to help my find my scarf. Start to Translate. Look down and see my scarf on the sidewalk. Bus to F.H. K home. Realize in p.m. that the final simultaneous football game in both Miami and Washington, D.C., from my Rosa Parks dream may relate to the feeling of abandonment I recently felt when Gwyllm told me that he was hosting Tom C. (someone I looked up to) and his wife. This was merely the echo of the underlying feeling of abandonment I felt from my father (my childhood hero) and his wife (my stepmother) This is the feeling of abandonment that caused me to go AWOL in 1967 and the reason I woke up choking and throwing up back on May 5, I think.

June 4 dream:  A gathering of the souls. Most of my souls have been injured in some way.

June 4 dream:  Decide to play the lotto. Get 255 ___. Guy admires my ass I turn around for him.

June 3, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Talk with Librarian No. 3 about book he is reading now. Suddenly feel very “shitty.” Take shits at library. Leave early. Walk up #52 route. Take #52 at Diamond Street. See hot guy on Portola Drive. I get off three stops early in order to run into him. He turns left at Glenview. I go to stand next to him at light. He smiles at me. I walk to F.H. K home. Follow guy into McD. Then walk thru W.F. See Johny. I try to make myself invisible. Javier smiles at me. Have shits again in p.m. Post diary entry from May 5 about night I choked and threw up in the middle of the night before seeing connection between my high regard for Tom C. (the crown prince of The Prosperos) which mirrored almost perfectly with my childhood high regard for my father. (See diary of May 5.)

June 3 dream:  About to start est-like session. Everyone laying on the floor. Wall behind us is moved.

June 2, 2024:  In ’til 3:30ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library briefly. See #35 coming down Wilder Street. Take it to Castro. Stop at 440 Club. No catches in my throat. Go to urinal. See beautiful, happy man sitting with friends. He pulls up his shirt playfully. I gawk. Walk up 18th Street to Portola to Woodside Avenue. Very hot guy with tight pants walks by with friend. Unfortunately, I didn’t catch his face. #44 to F.H. K home. Young guy boards. I don’t pay much attention to him. Then other older handsome guy boards. I go to back of train to check him out. Young guy catches my eye. I forget about older guy. Go to W.F. See Johny in his corner station. Feel relieved. Do my shopping. Then see Johny at one of the checkout stands. I go there. We have lovely conversation. He is studying business at City College. I joke, “Perhaps you can start your own grocery store. You’re very good at it.” He smiles. Memory: Me shaking in my boots on LSD after kissing Cree relates to fear of my father’s reaction or just fear of standing on my own.

June 2 dream:  In fast moving bus.

June 2 dream:  Someone says “Let the boys begin.”

June 2 dream:  Father Guido Sarduci comes to party/reunion I have a cigarette but don’t smoke it.

June 1, 2024:  Have hard time with monthly BB. For first time since I started dong them, I quit half way thru, saying “And More…” (*Relates to going blind dream of May 30, I think.) In ’til 3:30ish. #29 right away. Just miss connecting J train. Second J to G.P. Josie at C.B. Go to library. Work on book. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue to F.H. K home. “Jesus” on K. I think he was going to 24 Hour Fitness gym. After I exit on Lee, I walk back two stops to see if “Jesus” is still there. He’s not. Walk home. In p.m. read 1994 letter from my father thanking me for birthday card I sent to him. But excoriating me for not sending birthday card to Harriet, my stepmother. He calls her a “great individual.”

June 1 dream:  Wizard of Oz situation where somebody is trying to seem more powerful than they are.

May 31, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Waiting for #29, I hear, “In the dead of night.” #29 lets me off one stop after where I wanted to stop. Walk back a few blocks. Catch J just as it arrives. Go to G.P. Josie at C.B. Walk to R.C. Take shits. Have to “fight” with two little girls who wanted to get in real bad, I guess. Walk thru G.C.P. Go to M.S. Cute young boy standing in line for mac & cheese. I feel very protective of him. Check out with Derek. We talk about BBQ sauce, Japan, and earthquakes #36 to F.H. K home. See “First of May” several times in Berlin Babylon series I’m watching.

May 31 dream:  Guy I’m riding in the back seat says, “I’ve got to make one more stop.” Then he drives us over a ledge into the ocean. The ocean is not calm, but we both are.

May 31 dream:  Chicago has 8 million people. New York has 9 million.

May 31 dream:  John on jury duty as we drive into the ocean.

May 31 dream:  John and I have danced before at G.C.P.

May 31 dream:  Out on a date with a girl and another guy. They hit it off. He says, “I think we should go out on another date tomorrow at 6 p.m.” She agrees. I’m walking back to the truck with them, but feeling kind of out of it. Guy compliments her on her white teeth. He also has very white teeth. Mine not so much.

May 30, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Lots of spam calls. Lots of anonymous calls as well. I tell one anonymous caller who said nothing: “You’ve got to say something.” #49 and J to G.P. Josie at C.B. Go to library. Work on book. Walk up #52 route. John A. calls. He compliments me on the BB. #44 to F.H. Guy in back seat tries to avoid my admiration. K home. Woman sitting across from me makes me feel really bad about myself. I try to RHS on the spot ’til I exit at Lee. I catch a glimpse of her as I exit train. She’s sort of smirking.

May 30 dream:  Solve case for guy. (h.o.)

May 30 dream:  Cell matters connection. (h.o.)

May 30 dream:  Get rid of YouTube video. (h.o.)

May 30 dream:  Go “blind” at eye doctor’s office.

May 30 dream:  Middle-aged man gets pantced at school. Guy in after-school special we are watching in library doorway.

May 29, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 to S.J. Avenue. Three or four young Asian kids acting bratty in back seat of bus. As I exit on S.J. Avenue, I dare myself to take a photo of them. So I do. Get anonymous call shortly thereafter. Caller says nothing. I say, “Bon jour, mon ami?” J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. We talk about her upcoming marriage. I ask her if she thinks it will be a major change in her life. She says, “No.” My yellow post-it note flies off like a butterfly. I go through all sorts of contortions trying to catch it. And I do. Black guy sitting in car nearby says, “I like the way you caught that.” Go to library. Work on book ’til about 7:30. As I walk in front of Canyon Market, #35 comes roaring around the corner. I decide to take it. Not intending to go to 440 Club. Then I change my mind and go there. One catch in my throat. Guy at doorway smiles at me. Go to urinal. Odd guy I walk past says, “Hi.” I say, “Hi” back. Walk out feeling bouncy happy. Walk down Castro and up 18th Street to Portola to Woodside Avenue. #36 to F.H. K home. Guy on K reading book. Before I get a chance to speak to him, he smiles at me and then looks away. He gets off at W.P. As we approach Lee, I walk forward in train. Notice beautiful young man with muscle T-shirt and the muscles and tattoos to match. There is a tattoo of a smiling mask and a frowning mask on his upper arm and shoulder. I say,”Are you an actor?” He laughs, “No.” I say, “Then what do the masks mean?” He says, “Laugh today. Cry tomorrow.” I say, “I guess I know what that means.” Go to W.F. See guy behind sandwich who I want to talk to. He disappears. I end up ordering sandwich from Javier. He tells me he’s on an all-meat diet. See Virginia,, too. She tells me Javier is her boss. Check out with Allen. In p.m, I rage at flashlight salesman who tried to get me to buy a new flashlight ’cause I couldn’t get the original one I bought there to work. Translate later. Sense testimony: My body seems to have a mind of its own. Conclusion: Body is Mind and Mind is Body, world without end (and without beginning), amen. 

May 28, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Work on book. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. Beautiful black man. I stop in my tracks when I see him. He lets me admire him. K home. Tall, dark, handsome guy on K. I check him out as I find a seat. He checks me out when he exits at Ocean and Junipero Serra. Shits when I get home.

May 28 dream:  I’m late for dinner party. I’m … It’s one o’clock … and I have  … including food preparation.

May 28 dream:  Trying to catch a bumblebee.

May 27, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Decide to take J to Market. Walk up to Peet’s Castro. See “Perfect” on doorway. Walk thru Peet’s. No tables free. Walk to Castro. Stop near 440 Club. Take train to W.F. See Saif talking on street. He’s happy to see me and vice versa. Last saw him on April 27. Go to Peet’s W.P. Work on book. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” We pick up conversation where we left off on May 9. He says, “Have a wonderful rest of your evening.” Get anonymous call immediately afterwards. #36 to F.H. K home. Train driver seems to get stuck. At first I begin to panic a bit. Then I feel rage. Rage at the leader. Rage at my father. Rage I was afraid might get out.

May 27 dream:  At work. New job. Don’t know what I’m doing. Go into resto. Woman wants me to eat there, but there are no tables. See seems to block my exit.

May 26, 2024:  Email Politico about Facebook taking down Politico article which I shared on the Bathtub Bulletin Facebook page about the emergence of fascism in our country. I thought that was a very fascistic thing to do. In ’til 3ish. K to B.S. (Balboa Station) Check out cute Latino guy in white T-shirt. He smiles. J. to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Go to library. Work on book. Librarian No. 1. Then walk to G.C.P. Take shits at R.C. Walk thru G.C.P. to Woodside Avenue. Cute smiling guy passes me there as I catch #36 bus. After I board, he’s still smiling. Go to F.H. Young woman smiles at me knowingly as I enter F.H. K home. Watch video about the lost years of Jesus in p.m. Accidentally kick myself in the ankle. I draw blood.

May 26 dream:  Hard-on dream.

May 26 dream:  Guy gives me his hand.  I say, “I’m not going to have …, if I don’t get home soon.”

May 26 dream:  Buy plaid shirt to wear over the plaid shirt I’m already wearing. When I put it on, it’s solid purple with holes init.

May 26 dream:  Losing my desk at work. Think I’ll ask for small desk in hallway. Later realize that would probably be an obstacle with a chair and all.

May 25, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #8 to B.S. Walk to J stop. Cute young guy leaning up against the wall. I turn around to check him out but it’s hard to see him. J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. She asks me, not really seriously,  if I want to be her wedding photographer in Lake Tahoe in two weeks. Her real wedding will be in September in Moldova. I say I’d like to go to the Moldova one. Go to library. Interact with Librarian No. 3. Did he come on to me? (*Relates to dream of May 21?) Finish 1st half of book. Feel very good about it. Go to restroom. Leave my papers on chair. As I return, I see young black girl sitting in my seat. When I arrive, she’s gone, but she scribbled on the page with her pen and wrote, “You are so s…” Somebody’s not happy about my book, I guess. Walk up #52 route to Woodside. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.P. See Cole.

May 24, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Go to library. Work on book. I get up to Chapter 22, “My Rosa Parks Dream.” I had forgotten about that dream. It said that my relationship with John would be consummated (one way or the other) after I had a Rosa Parks experience (where I stand up for myself) followed by two football games. One in Dallas and another simultaneously in Miami and Washington D.C. I think my Rosa Parks experience was when I stood up to Doris M. at TRE in 1995. And the largest football game (emotional experience) since then was when I hyperventilated about the death of my mother some 70 years after the fact. And the 2nd football game (emotional insight) was just hier when, as I was raging at my landlord in my bathroom, I suddenly realized that perhaps my rage was really for my father, my original landlord, and that I could only sneak up on this emotion by pretending that I was upset with my landlord. Thus two football games simultaneously. Walk up #52 route to Duncan. #52 to F.H. K home.

May 23, 2024:  Get furious at my landlord for their complex (“Oh, we’re being so safe and secure that even you won’t be able to log in!”) renewal requirements. Later realize that this rage maybe really directed towards my father (my original landlord). In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Josie at C.B. Go to library. Work on my book. Shits at library before I leave. As I walk by Canyon Market, guy says, “I like your red pants.” Walk up #52 route to M.S. See Ben. Check out with Ed. See Derek as I leave. He seems a little cool towards me. #52 to F.H. K home.

May 23 dream:  Second vote of liberation appears to be passing. (h.o.)

May 22, 2024:  In ’til 11:30ish. Take #43 and #38 to VA. Take tests for cataract removal. Decide to try new glasses first. Translate “cataract” while I’m there. Then see the term “clear-eyed” in something I’m reading. After I leave VA see “Good Job!” painted on Balboa Street sidewalk. Take #31 and #44 to G.P. Cute guy with bass guitar on his back. We talk briefly. He also plays piano and drums, which he finds “cathartic.” Valentina at C.B. She introduces me to hot guy I’ve seen there several times. He tells me he works for Uber, I think. He has a heavy accent. She says he picks up orders for people, I think. Anyhow, nice to meet him instead of just lusting after him. Valentina offers me and other guy some chocolate. Other guy says he can’t eat chocolate. Makes me feel normal! Go to library. Work on my book. Cute young guy “lurking” in the stacks near where I’m sitting. #36 to Safeway on Monterey. Walk home. Go to W.F. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Flesh is heir to congestive heart failure, diabetes and bed sores. Conclusion: There is no departure from the loving Self which contains us and surrounds us all.

May 22 dream:  I let George know that he was the first guy. I knew he would be hated in the end. Mustard spilled. Last four guys have several meals. There wanted more water, but there was none.

May 21, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Very busy. Hot guy I’ve seen a few times before there. Go to library. Work on my book. Nice day. Walk up #52 route to burrito place. As I exit, guy calls me “God brother.” #43 to F.H. Cute guy in back seat. Wait to cross street ’til guy waling down Laguna Honda passes by. Then beautiful cyclist rides by. I do a double take to get a closer look. He smiles beautifully. Take K home. Two loud girls replaced by two loud gay guys. I feel I should maybe look around near Jules. I look out my window and cute, very young guy is checking himself out in the window which happens to be my window.

May 21 dream:  My waiter at resto asks if I want to exchange addresses with him. I say, “Let me think about that.” Makes me hot.

May 20, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Justin (owners’s son) at C.B. Go to library. Work on book. Walk up #52 route to Glenview. #52 to F.H. K home. Stunningly handsome Asian guy in suit who I’d seen before gets off at 14th Avenue.

May 20 dream:  Go over to “Benny Hill’s” place. His girlfriend is helping him lose weight. A box of his stuff and books as I head home.

May 20 dream:  Talking about space my father had up for business insight.

May 19, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Walk all the way to G.P. New owners at Glen Park Market. Valentina at C.B. Also very friendly Asian guy who was interested in my camera. I give him my photo website. Go to library briefly. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Take shits there. Check out with Derek (and Ian). Derek jokes with “Sir Allen” who is passing by with a cart filled to the brim. Derek explains to me that they’re having a friendly competition to see who can fill their cart highest. “Sir Allen” ignores me completely. As I exit I think of joking with “Sir Allen,” but catch myself. (*Relates to last dream of May 18, I think.)

May 19 dream:  Go to dangerous place. Kick out Hugh Grant and other attackers.

May 19 dream:  Stand up to two New York icons.

May 18, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Black barista there. Go to library. Work on my book. Walk up #52 route to F.H. Guy on Woodside smiles at me as I think about my book. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Johny in the background.

May 18 dream:  Large, clear swimming pool.

May 18 dream:  Dream my mother is alive and working at the same place as me. I ask her what she’s been doing with her life. I ask her about what she’s going to do if my father shows up? He was working here a week ago or so. She says she’ll just have to deal with it when it happens.

May 18 dream:  Get lost on hills I’ve hiked before, trying to catch bus. I end up at place where it’s too far to jump down but I can’t go back up either. (*Relates to Derek and “Sir Allen” playing with each other on May 19. I want to approach “Sir Allen” on exiting M.S. but realize later that this is “Sir Allen’s” way of getting back at me, for whatever reason.)

May 17, 2024:  Jerk off in a.m. Lots of anonymous and spam calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Glen Park Market lady (who I buy a Chron from every day) will be retiring in a week. Mark at C.B. Also Stanford teacher of Ottoman Empire who I met on April 26. He’s on his way to give Bar Mitzvah lessons to 12-year-old. I say, “So when he turns 13 he becomes a man?” “Yeah,” he smiles. Go to library. Finish Private. Start revising my own book. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. See more or less attractive guy at Muni stop there. Then as I leave on #52, he smiles and becomes much more attractive. Go to F.H. Take K home. Sit next to very cute young smiling guy who knows he’s irresistible. After he leaves, I sit across from cute Asian guy checking himself out on his phone. Then sweaty sleeveless T-shirt guy who I eventually start talking with. He’s just returning from the Stonestown gym. He talks about how he likes gray overcast days. I agree. He seems sad. Thom Hartmann gets call from Mike in Ft. Collins in p.m.

May 16, 2024:  A few days ago I ordered one in-between brush holder for my teeth. Today got one box of them (12). In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Josie at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Private. Walk up #52 route. Go to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” Run into Thursday Nite (bike) Riders. Talk with one of them. #52 to F.H. Very nice black lady driver. Makes me nervous. Train stuck at F.H. Later get on K. I’m the only one on board.

May 16 dream:  Visit wild part of Castro. Visit guy in small house (one room with fireplace on main floor) on steep cliff. It feels like it’s not all that sturdy. Two dogs there. One is mine.

May 16 dream:  We watch kid with guy who is moving his whole house to plot 18 across the city. I think, “Well, the old place had a pool.” But new place has skateboarders on a platform which turns into a pool.

May 15, 2024:  In ’til noonish. Take BART to Berkeley to pick up 500+ pages of my book. As I approach Krishna Copy, feel “shitty.” Also have to pee. Also have dry throat which makes breathing difficult. See tea shop on University. Order something to drink. And use their restroom. Pick up document. Friendly guy there. Walk up Bancroft to cafe I had seen last time I visited Berkeley. Nice people there. Take F back to city. Guy on Grindr date seems very serious. Asian guy in blue shorts. Walk up Market to Van Ness. Then F to 16th Street. Check out new Cafe Flore. It’s a fancy-schmancy new resto. Go to Castro Farmer’s Market on Noe. Excited young guy tells me the tamales are great. I say, “Really?” Woman smiles at me. Take K home. Cute gay couple get off at San Leandro. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Experience is the best teacher. Conclusion: I, being, know that Truth is the only good, the only experience.

May 15 dream:  The lights are out. It’s raining outside(?) Carroll O’Connor is returning with the groceries. Then we are awaiting dangerous guy with knife who doesn’t show up. HughJohn and I are both there. (*Guy who doesn’t show up is John?)

May 15 dream:  Didn’t meet up with big scary gray bubble. Someone tells me it’s okay. (*Bubble is John?)

May 15 dream:  Little baby.

May 15 dream:  Package sent thru doorway slot.

May 14, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. My homeless guy having actual conversation with woman at back table. Go to library. Start Our Polyvagal World. Read from Private School.. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. As I board #52, I check out two young women in revealing outfits. Black female bus driver gives me knowing smile. Arriving at F.H., loud black man says, “Now you look like a man.” K home. Sit behind very sexy (but young) guy who gets off at same stop as me. Go to W.F. Handsome black guy at automatic checkout. See Johny out of the corner of my eye but don’t connect with him. Then I go to automatic checkout and the machine stops scanning. So I push button for help and Johny shows up. He helps me get it started again. Feel great connecting with him. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.)

May 14 dream:  Standing in line to get blue line train home. It’s the last day of the month and I’ll have to buy my ticket on board. Burnt orange-painted quonset hut.

May 13, 2024:  Get spam call. I tell caller, “I think you are trying to sell me funeral insurance from some call center in India.” He says, “You’re a stupid son of a bitch.” Makes me laugh. In ’til 3ish. #44 and J to G.P. Get excited walking up G.P. steps. See guy sitting on sidewalk (just like guy I had seen earlier sitting on walkway of my apartment building). Mark at C.B. Also get excited about hot guy who comes in to C.B. I had seen him days before. I could feel excitement in my stomach before he arrived. Go to library. Start reading A Very Private School. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. #36 to F.H. K home. Young guy on K makes sure I notice him. Shits when I get home. Email copy center in Berkeley to run off my book (over 500 pages). Email VA about cataract surgery.

May 13 dream:  We are on top floor of tall building. It begins to catch on fire from below.

May 12, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Speak with Librarian No. 1. Read more from A History. Walk thru G.C.P. Pee in what I think is a safe area. Woman walks by. Go to M.S. Check out with Ben. #44 to F.H. K home.

May 12 dream:  Rectangular-shaped pastry.

May 12 dream:  Something about Uzbekistan.

May 12 dream:  Bumble dry(?)

May 12 dream:  Wall Street Journal

May 11, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. She gives me slice of pizza. Go to library. Read from A History of Psychosomatic Illness. Walk up #52 route. Run into “Biff Henderson” near Duncan Street. He smiles impishly. Catch #52 at Glenview to F.H. K home. Connect with guy boarding at Lee as I’m exiting.

May 11 dream:  Just when I thought I was rid of the guy, they came up to my door and wanted me to sign something.

May 11 dream:  Have trouble breathing after seeing someone/something.

May 11 dream:  Prosperos-type group (4 of us) drive by Bill Larsen’s old house. They had torn it down. We ran into Bill and his husband (played by two older shippers from Farmers Insurance central warehouse where I worked in 1968). Bill Is carrying a baby. I say, “Is that your baby?” He says, “Yeah.” He invites us to their new home. Big living room. Floor to ceiling windows. Great views of the city. Fireplace. I think, “Well, they certainly landed on their feet.”

May 10, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also my strange old friend. Go to library. Finish up Rage. Sit near beautiful young man who I check out. He gets up and turns towards me and checks me out. Walk up #52 route. Connect with guy looking kind of lost. We walk in tandem, more or less, ’til he turns right on Clipper. Run to catch #44. Sit across from young man smiling inwardly. Go to F.H. K home. Very young but mature guy on K. He gets off at Dorado Terrace. Go to W.F. Three young guys showing off in front of W.F.

May 10 dream: After party Tom O. and some others went to same place. I had been looking for him. Some of us are in a movie called Cassandra?

May 10 dream:  The Coast Guard Is being investigated or at least one guy in the Coast Guard.

May 10 dream:  Campanile.

May 9, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Josie at C.B. Go to library. Guy leaves duct tape on his chair. I tell Robert (Librarian No. 2) about it. Read more from Rage. Walk up #52 route. Go to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” He tells me he’s taking four courses at CCSF, mostly creative writing. I had forgotten that he was a communications major. #52 to F.H. K home. Still upset about forgetting what “Sir Allen’s” major is. K home. Get email from Calvin quoting Michael C. I think it was Calvin’s way of one-upping me. In effect, saying, “You think you’re close to Michael C., I just talked to him yesterday!” (*Mirrors fight I had with petty woman at Target hier?) Work on book in p.m. 

May 9 dream:  Walking in dark wooded area. Hear guy yell “Help!” I look around. Blond guy in red shirt and shorts climbing down sheer cliff. I say, “That looks almost straight down.” I walk on. Then black guy comes up and hugs me. I walk over to lighted roadway.

May 9 dream:  Get together with older woman. Then I go to return her stuff at table 36. She says, bitterly, “See you later.” And something about the next college girl.

May 8, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Decide to take K downtown to buy new sheets. Go to Target. Get in fight with lady waiting in return line. She says she was there before me. I say, “I don’t believe you, but go ahead.” Walk to 7th Street. Take F to Church Street. Go to Peet’s. As I head to back of cafe to check out cute guy I had seen before, cute Asian guy exiting smiles at me with his eyes. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Then see “Perfect” on doorway sign. Go to Eureka library. Read more from Rage. Go to Rossi’s Deli. Decide not to get meatball sandwich. Go to Castro Station. Sit next to fat guy in shorts. I realize I’m angry at him. In my head I say, “If you even think about making a play for me…” K home.

May 8 dream:  Steve O’Barr is being told at work that his receipts don’t add up. Meanwhile big muddy bear attacks me. Strange old man from C.B. trips and falls.

May 8 dream:  Run into Steve O’Barr on campus. He looks good.

May 8 dream:  Going to Cole Valley.

May 7, 2024:  Calvin calls in a.m. wishing me a happy birthday and talking about himself. He mentions Michael C. so I email Michael. K and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. It’s my birthday so I decide to mix things up. Go to G.P. library briefly. Then take #52 to F.H and train to Castro. Go to 440 Club. One catch in my throat on the way. Go to urinal. Don’t have to pee, but feel very “shitty.” Take shits at public restroom a block away. Go to Eureka library. Read more from Rage. Connect with guy on Market and follow him up 17th Street. Lose him but continue to Twin Peaks and down to #52 stop on Woodside Avenue. Overhear guy off of Twin Peaks Boulevard say, “Take your clothes off.” #52 to F.H. K home. Get email from Michael C. sharing his new art website with me.

May 7 dream:  Something about Oprah being as big as they come as a popular figure.

May 6, 2024:  John A. calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Black barista at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Rage. Walk up #52 route. Think of sense testimony for Wednesday: “Life proceeds from birth to death, with various unique stages in between.” As I’m thinking this, make connection with older man walking up Portola. Go to M.S. Sir Allen there. Angel cleaning men’s room. Check out with Ben. Go to CVS. Cute, helpful, friendly cashier there. Go to burrito place. #43 home. Feel ugly today, like a kid who’s messed his pants. Realize it’s a self I need to acknowledge and listen to.

May 6 dream:  Getting statements from various people in the administration of the school.

May 6 dream:  Assigned to old “boat” whose waterline is very close to the water. We take cakes out of pan. Me and woman about to get married or just married.

May 5, 2024:  Wake up early in a.m. throwing up and choking. Run to bathroom. Later get email from Gwyllm telling me that Tom C. and his wife are visiting him. I feel abandoned. I think Tom C. and his wife are  mirroring my father and his wife (my stepmother) to me. And I think throwing up last night is me getting in touch with the core of how I felt about my relationship with my father and his wife. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Big crowd. Go to library. Read more from Rage. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Avenue. #36 to F.H. K home. Guy gets on K. As I approach him, he smiles. Then covers up. He’s wearing his pants loosely, like he wants somebody to remove them. Go to W.F. Johnny there. Check out with Allen.

May 5 dream:  Link to December ’69 post. (h.o.)

May 5 dream:  Guys taking down pants of younger guy.

May 5 dream:  The word for “equipoise.”

May 5 dream:  “Disneyland.”

May 5 dream:  At guy’s apartment, he take his pants down. He has a great ass. Later some black guys come over. One is rude to me as I set up the plate washing machine.

May 4, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Go to library. Walk up #52 route to Duncan. #52 to F.H. K home. See “100” twice on opposite train. Watching The Tale, realize the difference between rape and sexual abuse is that rape is violent while sexual abuse is often more insidious and often involves the abusee’s cooperation for one reason or the other. Go to W.F. See beautiful young man in pajama-like pants and colorful shirt walking with his parents. He smiles at me. Check out with Allen.

May 4 dream:  An older Bette Davis sings for class.

May 4 dream:  Start new job with law firm. Talk with guy from other law firm. He knows my co-worker Dave Matthews. I arrive at work at 11:15 a.m. but I think it’s okay ’cause I don’t start ’til noon today. [I wake up at 11:15 a.m.]

May 3, 2024:  Text John’s cabinet-maker friend: “My friend John may need some remodeling work. His number is [I give him John’s phone number.] In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read from Rage. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Take shits at M.S. See Ian. Check out with Ben. He’s a 6th year student of computer science at SF State. #52 to F.H. K home. Very loud girls board. I think maybe it’s a sign that I need to check out the back of train. As I get up, notice beautiful young woman smiling self-consciously.

May 3 dream:  Woman friend of mine gives me Chinese-American ring ’cause we finally finish her book at $10,000 per chapter or $100,000 total.

May 2, 2024:  Lots of anonymous calls. In ’til 3ish. Get rental renewal notice. #29 and J to G.P. Owner Jane and her son Justin at C.B. At one point I feel really bad ’cause I think Jane disapproves of me. I had to practically grab myself by the collar to tell myself to knock it off. Finally I do. Get “accidental” call from cabinet maker who I think was a front for John. He says something about spam callers. Go to library. Start new book:  The Rage Within. Talk with Librarian No. 1.  Mistakenly call Librarian No. 2 Douglas instead of Robert, his correct name. Take shits at library before I leave. Walk up #52 route to Woodside Muni stop. #52 to F.H. K home. W.F. Check out with Allen. In p.m.  Feel helpless about John toying with me by hiding behind his cabinet-maker friend. Just like my father did in his way. Then catch myself and remind myself that there is an answer. I may not know what it is, but I know that there is an answer. Later in p.m., I hear: “This could be the greatest day of my life.”

May 2 dream:  Moving into new temporary apartment. About to have a tape group. Lots of cats and kids.

May 1, 2024:  Monthly BB. Bills. Lots of anonymous calls throughout the day. I wish one a happy birthday. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. I tell her Putin may attack Moldova (where she’s from). She gets very sad and says, “Yeah.” I feel terrible. Go to library. Then walk up #52 route to F.H. K home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: I resent that my mother is a better person than me. Conclusion: My mother, Truth, is always ripe for the moment.

May 1 dream:  Cat grabs onto my toe. I have to pry it off. He still has all his teeth, which surprises me.

May 1 dream:  Writing a poem.

May 1 dream:  Guy from Eugene, Oregon, is looking for something or someone. Someone is looking for him.

May 1 dream:  Take pee at work after big job. Run into Hanz in the men’s room. Lots of people there for some sort of special event.

April 30, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Cute guy talking on the phone, standing over me on #29. Mark at C.B. See #35 pass by. Notice wording on the side. Looks like it says “Europa.” Then see it really says “Eureka.” On crossword puzzle I’m working on, clue is “Aha!” Answer is “Eureka.” So I take that as a sign that I should take #35 to Castro. Go to library for brief period of time. Take shits before I go. Wait 4 minutes for #35 to the Castro. Go to 440 Club. Go to urinal. One strange-looking older guy says “hi” to me. I say “hi” back. Walk up 18th Street to Corbett to Portola to #52 to F.H. See runner on upper Market who made a play for me years ago. He looked pretty good. Gay guy on #52 exchanges looks with me as we exit at F.H. K home. Go to W.F. See Johnny. He looks really beautiful. He and I exit back corridor at same time. (*Relates to shits hier at M.S., I think.) Spider in p.m.

April 30 dream:  Get up at 6 a.m. to go to doctor’s appointment at 6:30. Doctor is woman. Trying to find underpants that are not ripped.

April 29, 2024:  Anonymous call in a.m. I’m listening to Thom Hartmann podcast. Guy on podcas tsays, “I love you, Thom.” I say to caller, “I love you.” Then I laugh sardonically because I know that’s the last thing this caller wants to hear from anybody. Shits just before I leave at 3ish. Cute guy on #29 tries to avoid looking at me. J to G.P. Josie at C.B. Talk briefly to young boy sitting at table by himself reading a book. I say, “Is it a good book?” He says, “I don’t know. I just started it.” Go to library. Start reading When You’re Going Through Hell…Keep Going. Walk up #52 route. Catch up with #35 at Diamond Heights Boulevard. Decide not to take it. Go to M.S. Sir Allen smiles at me. Angel also smiling. Take shits at M.S. even though I didn’t think I needed to. #35 to F.H. K home. Feels like somebody pushes me on stairway. My father?

April 29 dream:  At end of party, some guys turn into their partners. I say to one guy, “Oh, you had a really cute partner.”

April 29 dream:  Hanging out with two women. Go to lunch. Try to budge big block of cement on highway. Other guy says, “Thanks for helping me.”

April 28, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and walk to G.P. Mark at C.B. It’s over-crowded so I walk around a bit, looking for a seat. Notice dark, handsome, young man coding. We begin talking. He works for Apple in Cupertino, but lives in S.F., checking out Glen Park as a possible place to move to. We talk for about an hour. He gives me his email address so I can add it to my BB update list. His name is Pranav. Go to library briefly. Then walk to Glen Park Recreation Center to take pee. Walk thru G.C.P. to #44 to F.H. Take M to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Ian there as he was hier. Also Sophia. Haven’t seen her for quite a while. She tells me of her job search as an environmental scientist. As I exit, see “Perfect.” I think it relates to my interaction with Sophia. I walk down W.P. Avenue. Nice looking homeless guy asks me where the cross is. Finally figure out he’s talking about Mt. Davidson. So I point in that direction. Pass Goat Hill Pizza. Decide to go in and get a slice to go. Very sexy/friendly guy waits on me. He comes around the counter to help me get my receipt emailed. It was nice to be so close to him. (*Relates to “Perfect” from earlier, I think.) Have second thoughts about Pranav in p.m.

April 28 dream:  Some fun games (h.o.)

April 27, 2024:  Do online work. Spend about an hour cleaning my bathroom. Attend Salon Calvin viz Zoom at 4 p.m. Very disappointing. After first hour (of three), Calvin gives us a 7 minute break. I took advantage of that to take off. Go to hardware store on Ocean to buy a new shower curtain. K to W.P. Buy paper at newsstand. Talk with Saif who I hadn’t talked to since December. I ask him how his girlfriend is. He says he doesn’t have a girlfriend. I say, “Well, I’m sure you’ll find one soon.” Go to Peet’s. Nice talk with Ian. Nedim ignores me. Stand in line for restroom. Then decide to go to 440 Castro and use their urinal, which I do. Not much going on at 440. Watch Giants pop fly out three times on TV. Walk up 18th Street to Portola. Follow cute young blond guy in shorts at Clayton. He walks much faster than me. Walk to Woodside Muni stop. Then #44 to F.H. Then K home. Beautiful Asian guy gets on K. Then gets off with me at Lee to catch #29. I wait with him. Go to W.F. Look for raisin bread. Ask Johnny for help. We have nice conversation. He takes his time helping me. At the end, he calls me “Sir.” I call him Johnny. (*Relates to second dream of April 26.) Talk with Javier also.

April 27 dream:  At first I don’t want to jump into the water. Then I do. I forget which way I’m supposed to swim.

April 26, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. One or two anonymous calls. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Sit next to Stanford  adjunct professor (38 y.o.) on the Ottoman empire. He’s transferring to UT Austin in August. We talked about the campus demonstrations. Go to library. Read from Mindbody. Don’t stay long. Shits before I leave library. My homeless guy walks in while I’m in bathroom and he immediately walks out. #35 bus not around so I walk up #52 route to M.S. Check out with Ian. Angel nearby. Derek taps me on my shoulder. K home.

April 26 dream:  In a reception between three of us, boy wheels in turkey to sit with us at Thanksgiving diner table.

April 26 dream:  Have sex with guy. I thank him. Little boy wants me to have dinner with his family. I want to get home and clean up. (*Relates to talking with Johnny at W.F. on April 27?)

April 25, 2024:  Wake up early. At noon, head to Jun’s for haircut. Nice time with Jun, as usual. He’s going to China for two weeks with his wife. He invites me along, pretty much in jest. Also friendly Mark- Farrell-for-Mayor supporter there. Walk to G.P. Get anonymous call. Then trip on sidewalk. Josie at C.B. Go to library. Finish memory book. Start The Mindbody Prescription again. Go outside. #35 not around. Walk up #52 route to Glenview Drive. Pass cute guy at Woodside Muni stop, but I stay on bus. Start to get down on myself for not stopping, but catch myself. Go to F.H. K home. Sit facing beautiful young man who senses my admiration. He gets off at St. Francis Circle. Go to W.F. Check out with Allen. Good to speak to him. Very handsome friendly guy behind me. But keep my attention on Allen.

April 24, 2024:  Lots of anonymous calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. I ask her how to say “I want more hot water, please” in Moldovan (i.e., Romanian), where she is from. She writes it out for me. Go to library. Start book about memory. (I forgot the title.) Stay ’til about 6:46. #35 is just coming in from the Castro. Woman smiles at me unbidden. Take #35 to Castro. Feel very nervous, but no catches in my throat. Go to 440 Club. Guy at door asks if I have ID. I look at him incredulously but gratefully. Go to urinal even though I don’t have to pee. Had to wait in line to get in. Everyone in bar is in festive mood. I don’t hang out. Feel very happy as I leave. Go to Rossi’s Deli. Take M to F.H. Climb the F.H. steps (Lots of them.) Catch #43. Still feeling very bouncy happy. Miss two beautiful Asian guys as I exit #43. Other guy there as well. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Many people are homeless or houseless due to the greed of others. Conclusion: Truth is a satiated, safe Universe in which greed is insane, not to mention impossible.

April 24 hard-on dream:  (*Relates to being with Jun on April 25, I think.)

April 23, 2024:  Anonymous calls in a.m. Realize if I open with “Buenas Dias,” they will have to find a translator. And they always hang up. Get up earlier than usual by two hours. Take nap later. In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. One catch in my throat over guy I sit next to on J. We exchange looks as I exit at G.P. Mark at C.B. We talk about the Philippines where he is from. Go to library. Decide to go to Castro. Catch #52 to F.H. Take train to Castro. One catch in my throat as I approach 440 Club. Go to urinal. Write “Buenas Dias” on chalkboard. Bartender nice to me. Go to Eureka library. Finish Tiger. Cute black dog sitting next to me crawls over to me and sits on my lap for about an hour or so. Her name is Beastie. She’s 11, which in dog years is 77. Just like me. Get anonymous call. I rather tersely say, “What do you want?” Caller claims he can’t hear me. Walk up Market. Feeling jumpy happy. See cute cross Market. I follow him. He leans up against wall. I twirl around. Then walk up Corbett and Portola. Later on Portola, I lean over to examine card on the sidewalk which says “Nadia.” Attractive guy walking towards me in shorts smiles at me. See hawk followed by two crows at Burnett. Go to M.S. Sir Allen happy to see me. Meet Nobell who I felt like I had met before. (I met him on July 7, 2022.) Ask Stacy for help as I did on February 18. #36 to F.H. K home.

April 23 dream:  Nap dream: I lose my wallet.

April 23 dream:  Investigating something.

April 23 dream:  Attractive homeless guy is attracted to me. He says I have a nice ass. I try to lose him. Need to go to post office to mail two letters before I go to airport to fly somewhere. Later I go to store. Owner says the homeless guy, the dead man and the leper are inside.

April 22, 2024:  Anonymous calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Handsome Asian guy at Lee and Ocean. Handsome guy at City College Terminal. Guy on #8. We both exit at Balboa Station. J to G.P. Beautiful Asian guy on Diamond Street. I fantasize about feeling up John. Get anonymous call. Mark at C.B. Also beautiful guy I get up for and put something in the trash just to be near him. Go to library. Read more from Tiger. #35 ten minutes away so I walk up #52 route. And catch up with #35 at Diamond Street. Take #35 to 440 Castro. Go to urinal. No catch in my throat. Asian guy comes into urinal to join me. After, I offer to buy cranberry juice to go, but bartender recommends deli down the street. He’s very nice to me. Walk up Corbett and Portola to #52. Talking with John and then my father all the way. Delivery guy and older man on Corbett smile at me. #52 to F.H. K home. Sit across from gay guy. Later, same guy says to someone, “Please don’t smoke on the train.” My immediate reaction is to flee the train. Then I catch myself and realize, like Tiger suggests, that maybe the Universe is offering me an opportunity to break an emotional pattern here. I had been standing up to my father in my head and now I’m getting ready to cut and run when the scent of danger is in the air. So I pledge to stand next to gay guy and I do. I ask him, “Did he quit smoking?” He says, “Temporarily.” We talk more. Smoking guy appears to be wasted. He lights up a “blunt” as he exits. Insight: When John playfully kicked me as I passed him at Castro Street Fair back in the ’80s, I think it was an invitation to play, not a criticism of me as I thought at the time.

April 22 dream:  Buy new VW bus-type vehicle. It starts rolling down hill. I try to get in front door and stop it.

April 22 dream:  Moving to a new place. My teammate takes picture of old place os we’ll know where everything goes.

April 21, 2024:  No anonymous calls today. No sales calls either. In ’til 3ish. Walk and #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. I unintentionally give him dirty look. Later take shits at C.B. and almost stop up the toilet. Go to library, briefly. Read more from Tiger. Walk to and thru G.C.P. Nice-looking guy walking two big dogs smiles at me on Portola Drive. I can hardly see him since I am looking into the sun. #52 to F.H. Cute Asian guy smiles at me as I exit elevator and he enters. K to W.G. Walk up Ocean to W.F. Ask Johnny where the croutons are. He shows me. Check out with Allen. He tries to ignore me, talking to woman co-worker behind him. I think, “Oh, she’s so close to his cute little butt.” Black woman shouting at security guard. I take other way out.

April 21 dream:  Woman in white dress outside New College of California (where I got my B.A. and M.A.) I go to talk to her. She has shit on her lap. Throws some of it off. She’s from competing school (CCIS?).

April 21 dream:  I leave the family. I have no family now. Thinking of hanging out with old woman.

April 20, 2024:  Anonymous calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. My homeless guy at corner of Bosworth and Diamond. Valentina at C.B. Woman there into me? Go to library. Read more from Tiger. Get call from funeral insurance guy, like I have for months now. This time he says, “I’ll have my supervisor call you in a few days. Would that be okay?” I say, “No, I don’t want you to ever call me again.” After library, #35 is close by, so I take #35 to Castro. Go into 440 Club. Go to urinal. One catch in my throat. I close my eyes. I think, “It’s really peaceful here in the eye of the storm.” Later I think maybe somebody (John?) came in while my eyes were closed. Walk up Corbett to Portola to #52. Black hetero couple get together on bus and exit together. Later, black guy with his butt hanging out looks at me and vice versa. K home. Cute guy gets on. I sit across from him. Later I follow him to nearby bus stop just to let him know I love him. He’s very young.

April 20 dream:  Order Coke from guy who gives me a hard time.

April 19, 2024:  Lots of anonymous calls in a.m. and early p.m. For example: Get anonymous call while l’m in the shower. I say “I’m in the shower. I’ll call you back.” Another call: I say, “Buenas dias. What do you want?” No response. I say, “Did I stun you?” Later at library, get call: Nobody speaks. I say, “We could have phone sex.” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. K and #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also guy with tight pants and really nice legs. I am almost overcome with lust. Go to library. Read more from Tiger. Librarian No. 2. When I leave library, my homeless guy is holding front door open as he did hier. #35 not around so I walk up #52 route all the way to M.S. Run into Derek in elevator. We talk about his pants again. He calls me “Sir.” Check out with “Haircut Ed.” Tell him I’m excited about my upcoming haircut on April 25. #52 to F.H. K home. RHSing my father. Take nap.

April 19 nap dream:  I’m supposed to kill two coyotes whom I love. I refuse.

April 19 dream:  Stepsister Nancy and I argue. She says Steve O’Barr puts out more posts in the school than I do. I’m about to say to my father: “Did you want to get in on this?”

April 19 dream:  At Mary Tyler Moore’s house. Crocodile on top of someone. His mouth is tied shut.

April 18, 2024:  Anonymous calls in a.m. Person says nothing. I’m near my laptop. Podcaster asks fellow podcaster, “Are you muted?” I say to caller, “Yeah, are you muted?” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Josie at C.B. Meet Asian guy reading Chip War. We talk about A.I. Go to library. Read more from Tiger. My homeless guy standing in front of library, holding the doors open. #35 nowhere to be seen so I walk #52 route to Duncan Street. Then #52 to F.H. K home. Same guy on K as on _______? See beautiful man with flowing white shirt on Ocean. Get off at Lee and walk back hoping to find him. I don’t. Walk back past Poke Bowl. Looks like Douglas is there. As I’m recalling synchronistic moment from this a.m. (“Yeah, are you muted?”), woman smiles at me. Go to W.F. Go home.

April 18 dream:  Some woman from Maze, GA, moves to CalTech in northwestern U.S. There’s a new baby. Someone says, “Let’s take him to a doctor.” I don’t know if we can afford a doctor.

April 17, 2024:  Anonymous call in a.m. I text back: “U need to learn how to fight fair.” In ’til 3ish. #29 to San Jose Avenue. It’s sweltering hot when I get on and I’m out of breath running to make the bus. Catch smiling eyes of beautiful young man so I have to stay on. To my surprise, he gets off #29 with me to catch J. We talk briefly. I find out he’s a sophomore at Lowell High School, the best high school in the city. He said he didn’t test in, he won the lottery to get in. Valentina at C.B. She fills my paper tea cup with hot water and says, “Let it seep for a while.” Pisses me off that she treats me like a child, just like my mother! And I can’t even retaliate since I’m a “son of God.” Young guy comes into C.B. I think he’s the young man I met on #29, but it isn’t. Go to library. Read more from Tiger. Walk outside. I think, “I’ll take #35 to Castro if it’s coming soon.” I see it incoming so I take it. Go to 440 Club. Two catches in my throat on the way. Go to urinal. Nobody joins me. Stand around bar for a minute. Then leave. (*Relates to first dream of April 14?) Walk up Corbett. I cruise cute guy. He says, “Have a good evening.” I say, “You, too.” Walk to #52 on Diamond Heights Boulevard to F.H. Guy walking out of F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Buy two items at self-checkout ’cause line for Allen is so long. Then decide to go back and wait in line just to see Allen. Two people suggest I could go to shorter line. But I stay in Allen’s line and I’m glad I do. Go to Poke Bowl. Douglas not there. Then home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Barricading the heart can lead to pericardial effusion. Conclusion: Truth neither offends or defends.

April 17 dream:  Walk with woman who is a teacher at school I am beginning. She says, “I know your health is good. More than good.”

April 16, 2024:  Spam caller asks me what my name is. I say my former last name. He says, “You’re lying. It’s Zonta.” I say, “If you knew my name, why’d you ask me?” Anonymous calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read from Mindbody and start Waking the Tiger. Librarian No. 3 there. See people waiting at #35 stop. Decide if it comes soon, I’ll take it to 440 Club in the Castro. It comes right away. Two catches in my throat as I approach 440 Club. Go to urinal. Short Asian guy comes in. After, I stand around briefly. Then walk out. (*Relates to first dream of April 14?) Have catch in my throat after I leave. Go to Walgreens. Then up Castro and pass 440 Club again. Then walk up Corbett and Portola to #48 on Clipper. See beautiful man looking at his phone, waiting for #37. He smiles when he sees me looking at him. Insight: My inner rage might be, “I come from God! People ought to be paying attention to me!!!”

April 16 dream:  I’m in weird cult. Guy made of charcoal chases me. I taunt him. Then he turns into Mr. Bennett (student of Gurdjieff), hanging on the wall. He addresses us all and me especially. He says I’ve been around quite a while. I assume he’s referring to past lives. Lots of footballers there in cut-off pants and cut-off shirts. Guy next to me says he’s going to invite someone to dance. I think it’s me, but he asks one of the footballers.

April 16 dream:  Big woman in wedding dress in #35 to the Castro.

April 15, 2024:  Anonymous calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. My strange friend is sitting with a woman. Then she leaves. And he starts talking at me for way too long. [I learn on April 16 that his name is Lee.] Talk with young girl reading The Three-Body Problem. The book seems almost as big as her. Eat chocolate chip cookie. Spend rest of the day RHSing. Finally realize the pain comes from something inside me which says I don’t deserve pleasure. Sara sends HWTS update saying that woman doesn’t want to update her condition with me, but with someone else. Felt to me like a put-down and I got down on myself as I usually do. Then caught myself and realized I didn’t need their approval and didn’t especially want it. Makes me feel better. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Angel smiles at me as I enter store. I check out with Ian. Go to burrito place. #43 to F.H. K home.

April 15 dream:  I’m supposed to have a fight with someone tomorrow at 1:22 or 1:42 p.m. (h.o.)

April 14, 2024:  Read Daily Cal review of the movie Monkey Man about a man dealing with his abusive past. So I decide to take the train to Metreon multiplex downtown, just like my friend on #52 bus from hier. The movie is very violent and loud. But one line stood out to me: “The pain will leave when it’s finished teaching you.” After, walk up Market Street to Castro. Older black man ogles me in my shiny red pants. Makes me happy. Go to 440 Club in the Castro. Go to urinal. Nothing much happens. I contribute $3 to local softball team. (*Relates to first two dreams from hier?) Take K home. Cute young guy on K gives me the eye as he exits at W.P.

April 14 dream:  Two planes crash on take-off: my small plane and a slightly larger one. Both are now sticking out windows.

April 14 dream:  Get in big fight with Marianne Williamson.

April 13, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K and #49 and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Also “strange” friend. We talk about Gaza. I eat carrot cake and have pain all day. Go to library. Follow young girl trying to climb up steps. I say, “Well this Is going to rake a while.” Later she passes me and gives me a dirty look. Finish Way. It’s raining outside so I take #52 to F.H. Cute young boy smiles at me on #52. Also young guy sitting in the center of the back seat with his legs spread out. I ask to get by so I can sit next to the window. He begins conversation with me. He tells me he just got back from seeing the new Godzilla movie downtown at Metreon theater. Take K home. Go to Beep’s. Order onion rings from woman who smiles at me. Later pick up order from other woman who also smiles at me. Visitor to my online diary.

April 13 dream:  In big fight with someone.

April 13 dream:  Put my clothes in closet in abandoned room on Market Street. Black guy comes out of the attic and says it’s his place. He and his black friends have a hammer and wouldn’t let me go. I get away anyhow. My four friends at hospital give me the hammer. Then two of us move a cushioned chair down the hall. And then he and another person move something else.

April 13 dream:  Naked white guy getting a massage.

April 12, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Way. Feels like it might rain so I look for bus. Think of taking #35. Woman smiles at me unbidden so I take #35. Two catches in my throat as I go to 440 Club. Go to urinal. Nothing much happens. (*Relates to dream of April 11?) Go to Castro Station. Take train to F.H. Walk up F.H. steps. Walk to M.S. See Ian. Check out with Ed. My Provident debit card doesn’t go thru. I use another card but really start blaming myself for my card not working. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out automatically. Go home. Then realize I forgot macaroni salad so I go back downstairs to W.F. See my friend from April 7 and before walk by. I ask him if there’s any macaroni salad. He (Johnny) and my friend Virginia get me some macaroni salad. Later I check out next to Johny at the automatic station. He calls me “Sir.” Go home. Push wrong code in at apartment back entrance. I get in anyway. Nice young man with dreadlocks talks to me about the steps he used to climb at Oracle Park. He keeps talking as he keeps walking downstairs and I keep walking upstairs. I say, “Okay.”

April 12 dream:  “Make like a bunny and leave.”

April 11, 2024:  RSVP to 60th annual high school reunion. Get excited about it. Get anonymous call. (*Relates to rat from April 9, I think.) In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Josie at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Healing. Walk up #52 route to M.S. Run into Derek but he doesn’t speak to me. It kind of floors me. (*Relates to getting back at me for not speaking to him on March 30?) Check out with “Sir Allen.” Go to burrito place. #43 home. Young man from Riordan H.S. boards. He has bushy Afro and silver earphones. I know I must connect with him. So I catch his attention and compliment him on his earphones. He has an amazing smile which lights up his whole face. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Eat cream cheese in p.m. It gives me body pain. Makes me mad. I throw it away.

April 11 dream:  Zac and his friend surround me after I pack up from work. Zac grabs my butt. I take his pants down and fuck him. (h.o.)

April 10, 2024:  Jerk off in a.m. In ’til 3ish. K and #29 and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. I order second drink but don’t drink it so Valentina gives it to local homeless woman down the street. Go to library. Finish Healing. Start The Way Out. Walk up #52 route but start feeling “shitty.” Take shits at G.C.P. Recreation Center. Walk thru G.C.P. Blister on my right heel starts. #44 to F.H. K home.

April 10 dream:  At Prosperos Assembly, can’t find my notes. Sit by myself in resto (though I don’t feel alone).

April 9, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K and #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also my strange homeless friend. He says, “And you’re smiling.” I think that I’m happy because I have realized that it is not my job to get in touch with John. So I am free from that anxiety. Go to library. Read from Healing. Almost done. Walk thru G.C.P. to Recreation Center. See black rat rush into the bushes. That changes my mood. My sense of freedom is gone ’cause John is back, I think. Walk to Woodside Muni stop. Cute guy at ARCO gas station with his girlfriend. He drives away. And I wait for him to drive away. #52 to F.H. Try to take photo of three skateboarders sitting on bench on other side of the tracks. My camera stalls. K home. Insight: Doing is what appears to be so. Being is the truth of what is so.

April 9 dream:  I’m starting a six-week boot camp. Famous woman is with us. She just voted.

April 8, 2024:  Learn about “diamond ring” phase of the solar eclipse. Excites me. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Josie at C.B. I tell her I saw Todoro, the video she recommended. She says, “What do you think?” I say, “It was sweet.” She says, “Yeah, cute.” Call Suzanne. She sounds fine. Later, when I asked Josie about song that was playing, she sounded dismissive. That pissed me off so I RHSed her. Realized she really was upset that I didn’t like her video. As I exit, I start conversation with young woman reading a book about going beyond your comfort zone. I say, “That’s probably a good idea.” Go to library. Talk with Librarian No. 3 who’s reading Justine by the Marquis de Sade. Read more from Healing. Walk up #52 route. #35 bus about a minute ahead of me. Some pelvic pain. Sarno says pain comes from unconscious rage or anxiety. Realize my pain may relate to my anxiety of seeing John again. That helped with my pain. Go to M.S. See Angel, Ian. Check out with Derek. Have nice conversation with him. As I get on #52, I inadvertently block the exit of young guy. I say, “Sorry.” Later realize it was the same guy who exited #52 on April 2. K home. Email my hypnotherapist Rickey saying, “My dissociation was not an indication of trauma, but a healthy response to violation.”

April 8 dream:  Someone asks where I am headed. I say, “Germany.”

April 8 dream:  Follow guy into gay bar who invited me to jerk him off. Run into cuter guy at bar.

April 8 dream:  Memory: Night of kissing Cathy W: My father says sarcastically, “So are you in love with her?” Why would that matter. I thought he was supposed to be upset about me coming home late and worrying my stepmother.

April 8 dream:  Lady asks if I’m going to come for dinner. I say, “Maybe.”

April 7, 2024:  Take potassium in early a.m. It really messes me up. (*See dream of April 5.) In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Black barista at C.B. Calvin calls. Gets me to commit to his Zoom salon on April 27. Meet young girl reading fictional account of Oakland policeman having relationship with underage prostitute. Go to library. Read more from Healing. Sarno says body pain is caused by unconscious rage. After session with Rickey on April 4, realize I don’t have unconscious rage, just pity for my father and possibly for myself. But I still have my body pains. Walk thru G.C.P. Shits at Recreation Center. #36 to F.H. K home. Beautiful guy on K. I stand nearby instead of sitting down somewhere. Go to W.F. See Cole. See my W.F. friend from hier talking to co-workers. Later in p.m hear this on Swedish cop show: “You need to go back to therapy.”

April 7 dream:  Four black women wear wigs and look a lot better.

April 7 dream:  On top floor of 95 story building. I volunteer to go down in elevator ’til I see it’s only made for one.

April 7 dream:  Someone getting into bed with me.

April 7 dream:  Elevator goes out from under me. Then it comes back and turns into a swimming pool. We’re in Oregon. I wonder if I have changed my driver’s license.

April 6, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Healing. Walk up #52 route. One minute away from intersecting with #35 but I didn’t really want to take it. Continue walking all the way to F.H. Come up with the idea to take train to Castro to visit John at 440 Club. See “High Noon” wrapper on the sidewalk. Is this our “high noon”? Catch in my throat seven times as I take train to Castro. Walk into 440 Club. Take pee at urinal. Other guy there. He leaves. Then second guy comes in . He’s young. I think, “He must be the only young person in this place.” Then, out of my peripheral vision (or my psychic vision), he looks at me excitedly. I say, in my mind, “You know I love you.” Walk out of urinal. Look around. Go to back of bar and stand in front of employee’s door where I think John might be. I pause for a moment. Then do a little dance of joy. Then walk out. Homeless guy with his pants falling off yelling about something. Passing guy says, “You go, girl!” I look back and smile at him. Take K home. Cute young Asian guy smiles at me, I think. So I sit near him and his two friends. The two friends exit. Later I get up from my seat and stand nearer to him. We both get off at same stop. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Guy I tried to connect with hier is talking with other cute guy, so, as I pass, I check out the guy he’s talking to.

April 6 dream:  Interview people involved in my story. Taking a break. (h.o.)

April 5, 2024:  Anonymous calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Old woman sitting in front of library same as on September 26, I think. She said, at the time, to watch out for guardian angels. She was really thrilled that guy standing next to me gave her some money. Read more from Healing. Walk up #52 route to M.S. #35 shows up at Diamond Heights Boulevard and Addison Street, in effect, inviting me to go to the Castro to see John. I was in no mood. Later pass well-dressed older black man who nods at me as if in approval of my decision. My back begins to hurt. I RHS feeling all alone into feeling of being an infinitely bigger person, including everybody and everything. Go to M.S. Check out with Derek. Hadn’t seen him since March 30, when I kind of ignored him in favor of talking with Ben. #43 home. Go to W.F. Try to connect with guy from March 23 and March 30 but don’t.

April 5 dream:  Getting ready to take train out of town. Fare only $5.

April 5 dream:  Find “Literature” tab on website where I want to submit my book.

April 5 dream:  Big splotches on my face and body from medicine I’m taking. (*Relates to taking potassium early on April 7 and feeling terrible next day.)

Aprl 5 dream:  Insight: What I blame myself for: I couldn’t stay the sweet young boy my father fell in love with. What did I do wrong? I grew up.

April 4, 2024:  Anonymous calls in a.m. In ’til 4ish. K to Civic Center. Walk up Hyde to hypnotherapy appointment with Rickey. K crowded with very loud kids from Aptos Middle School. One black boy is very polite to me. Black guy on Hyde greets me. Then it begins to gently rain just as I arrive. I arrive at 4:58 for a 5 p.m. appointment. Rickey says, “Do you want to start early?” Rickey and I talk. Then he leads me in guided meditation to find the memory of my father sexually abusing me. The memory is that I am having an OBE (out-of-body-experience), looking down from the ceiling on my father and me and saying to my father, “I know this is very important to you, but it has nothing to do with me.” Walk down to Polk Street. Have crepe at same place I went to last time I saw Rickey—about nine months ago. Talk with same cute guy I saw last time, though this time he was even cuter. Kind of flirt with him on my way out. #49 home. Same woman at W.F. from January 18 who recommended a brie for me. I asked for a repeat.

April 4 dream:  Packing up the kitchen.

April 4 dream:  Plane flying dark to church. People hang from rope on plane who got to do something about these Castro Streets.

April 3 2024:  Anonymous calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Guy on #29 sticking his butt out for me to pass as I exit. Valentina at C.B. Cute curly blond guy smiles as I enter. Also cute guy as I’m exiting. Go to library. Read from Healing. Insight: Is my TMS from feeling of superiority? Walk up route of #52 to Duncan and Diamond Heights Boulevard. Take #52 to F.H. K home. Young guy on K smiles at me as I board. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Only love can overcome sexual humiliation. Conclusion: Love is the only power. Memory: Stepsister Laurie joking about taking my pants down and me giving her dirty look. Also mention of rock ‘n roll group makes me mad. So the anger is there.

April 3 dream:  Company-wide meeting. All hands on deck.

April 2, 2024:  Anonymous calls in a.m. Shits before I leave. In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read from Healing. Walk thru G.C.P. See young guy blowing his nose with one finger. Decide not to approach him. Later see cute Asian guy waiting for a bus on Portola. He looks like he doesn’t want to be approached. So I don’t. Go to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” As I get on #52, cute guy who I’d seen before gets off. He’s smiling. Go to F.H. Then K home. Horribly loud child on board. Go to W.F. I stand outside, looking at guy emptying garbage can. He says, “Do you have a question?” I say, “I’m thinking.” Then I decide to enter W.F. See Allen exiting restroom. I buy bag of chips and check out with him. Guy still outside emptying garbage can. He walks behind me as I walk home. Guy on Majority Report jokingly calls in and asks Emma to marry him. Pisses me off.

April 1, 2024:  Anonymous call in a.m. Person says nothing. I say, “I had a dream about you last night.” Person hangs up. In ’til about 11:30. #29 and #38 for two appointments at VA. Guy I tried to connect with on #29. I think I did. Get my toenails trimmed by Christine. Good to see her again. Then get new pair of shoes from Orthotics Lab. Then take #38 to new cafe at 33rd Avenue and Geary. Then #38 and #29 home. Sit across from “Jesus” on #29. Can’t think of anything to say to him, so I Translate. Then simply make eye contact with him, which seemed to do the job. Go to W.F. Home. No walking today.

April 1 dream:  Somebody gets a new car.

March 31, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K and #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Start reading Healing Back Pain again. Sweet, mentally slow guy sits next to me. I consider this my Easter gift. Walk thru G.C.P. Run into French family. Mother says to daughter, “A droit.” I ask, “A droit?” Father laughs. Hear coyotes. See runner on Portola. He’s waiting at red light. I go ahead and cross. Then another group of about 7 or 8 runners joins him. They are all young people wearing black. All of them have black hair and dark skin. They ask runner for directions to Twin Peaks. Runner says, “Follow me” and they run off. (*Relates to last dream of March 30 with lots of black guys doing laps?) #44 to F.H. K home.

March 31 dream:  “Good God! It’s the Holy Spirit changing everything!”

March 31 dream:  Trying to call somebody. I mix up the numbers which are ordered in alphabetic order in little cards. My father is angry with me or at least I’m scared of somebody. [I wake up. Realize it’s a memory of the fear I had of my father, so I am able to see it and dismiss it.]

March 31 dream:  Going to see someone I arranged. There is the word “Hope.” Then voice says: “Leave here! Everybody leave here!”

March 30, 2024:  In ’til 2:30. K to eye doctor. Pick up glasses. Laura not as impressive as she was on March 21. Take train to Castro. Go into 440 Club. Lots of men in Easter bonnets. Go to urinal. Guy wiping the chalkboard clean. I wait for a minute or so as he continues. I walk out. Pass Namantha outside his resto, facing the other way. Take #35 to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Also my strange friend. Go to library. Finish Hole. Check out with Librarian No. 3. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. Ben, Sir Allen, Derek and Angel all at checkout stations. I check out with Ben (assisted by Angel). He’s really sweet. Studying computers at SF State. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Make connection with beautiful but stoic guy from March 23. Check out with Cole. Memory: My father used to like to do raspberries on kids’ stomaches.

March 30 dream:  Guy breaks two of my glass shelves. I say, “I’m going to have to sue.” (h.o.)

March 30 dream:  Doing laps in a black-led swim meet. Pool looks very inviting. John may have been there. The black guys were doing a little experiment.

March 29, 2024:  See small spider in a.m. Get call from Laurie at eye doctor’s She seems a lot meaner than I remember her from March 21. In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Listen to YT on sexual abuse of children. See Robert afterwards. Cold iffy weather so I take #52 to F.H. Cute guy at F.H. who smiled at me when I turned around to look at him. Go to W.F. Check out my cucumber with Allen. Email Rickey for hypnotherapy appointment.

March 29 dream:  Climb down from building. My friend is coming thru gate. Another co-worker, a black guy, just finished a performance.

March 29 dream:  At Thane party, Thane says of guest, “He wasn’t looking for sex.” I say, “But he wanted it.” Then Thane has on a Ronald Reagan costume and he dances around

March 29 dream:  Store owner calls police on friend of ours. My friend goes in. Calls me to follow him. He yells at store owner. Later our home is burned to the ground.

March 28, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Beautiful black guy at Ocean and Lee. I try to catch up with him, but he’s too fast. #49 and J to G.P. Josie at C.B. Talk with funny old guy who I used to not like. We talked about G.P. real estate. Go to library. Read more from Hole. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. As I’m checking out, cashier tells me my camera flashbulb popped up. I say, “It must be glad to see you.” Idea: Think I’d like to have Tom help me confront my father. Other idea: Dr. Sarno said we have to believe our TMS pain is caused by unconscious rage. I think my challenge is to believe that my father really raped me.

March 28 dream:  Leaving brother the whole story with my father.

March 28 dream:  Trying to find the right table at resto. We had a good one but my friend started moving us to a very shaky one.

March 27, 2024:  Person makes anonymous call just before 3 p.m. Person says nothing. I say, “I think you called a few days ago.” Person hangs up. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Cute Asian guy on #29. Valentina at C.B. They are out of oatmeal cookies so I eat brownie. Too sweet. Meet woman reading Simone de Beauvoir book in French. Go to library. Finish Trauma. Start A Hole in the World. Take shits at library. Weather is iffy so I take #52 to F.H. Guy reading Homecoming book on #52. K home. Some very loud people on K so I think maybe it’s a sign I should get off and run into somebody I need to run into. Muni scroller says “Right.” So I get off K and catch #57 right away. Then run for #29 at Stonestown. Sit behind girl with pink hair looking through her purse, etc. I didn’t think much of her ’til she exited and gave me a knowing smile. I think she was the person I was meant to run into. Hear “Ft. Collins” in p.m. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Trauma is an affliction of the powerless. Conclusion:  Truth is unafflicted, unshockable, infinite power, no assembly required.

March 27 dream:  People upset ’cause Germany, with their history, is in charge of the military response.

March 27 dream:  Movie title: “Too late to die.”

March 27 dream:  Long strange gay weekend is over. We just have to pack up.

March 27 dream:  Get interim hiring.

March 27 dream:  Leave him to “cup” a baby.

March 27 dream:  Cleaning up nursery planter boxes Guy says he has plenty of clothes.

March 27 dream:  My father has passed.

March 26, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Catch in my throat twice on way to G.P. Black barista at C.B. Go to library. Take shits at library. Read more from Trauma. Realize that I have fear of abandonment sometimes when my favorite podcasts are about to end. Walk thru G.C.P. Trip and almost fall on G.C.P. steps. Hear coyotes. Loud scary black homeless guy on Portola Drive. See “Second Look” on crossword puzzle

March 26 dream:  Move back to 835 Turk Street.

March 25, 2024:  Email from Randy responding to email from Heather about A.I. Later Alana joins in as well. (*See dream of March 24.) Anonymous call in a.m. Person doesn’t say anything. I say, “Normally, this is where you would say something.” Then I add,”Though silence is good. Maybe we could meditate together.” Person hangs up. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Josie at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Trauma. Take #35 to Castro. Go to 440 Club to take pee. As I exit restroom, young guy enters and playfully bumps into me. I’m laughing too. I look back and notice his hair. He feels like John but I know John has a bald spot. I say to myself, “If it’s not John, I’m not interested.” He may have been a tulpa of John, I think later. Sit down for a few minutes and watch TV screen hoping guy will show up. I don’t see him, so I leave. (*Later I figure out this relates to hawk from March 24 who came out of nowhere from behind me.) Walk up 18th Street to Corbett to #52 to F.H. See “Be Happy” on car license plate. Take K home. In p.m. hear about “sexual fawning” on YT. It is part of the fight, flight, freeze or fawn reactions to trauma. I had heard the term “fawn” before but Dr. John Delony on YT divided “fawn” into emotional fawning and sexual fawning. From my flashback of August 13, 2023. I think I was a sexual fawner with my father.

March 25 dream:  School is starting without me. My name (or Michael Johnson) is called but teacher doesn’t see me. (h.o.)

March 25 dream:  His royal blueness puts on a show: “Me talking about me!” it kind of dies out in the end.

March 24, 2024:  Can’t access my credit union in a.m. Get panicky. Start getting down on myself. In mid-self-blame am able to observe myself and stop myself. (*Relates to dream of March 22 and me allegedly violating the law of the land, I think.) Shits in a.m. Fire alarm at 3 p.m. as I’m getting ready to leave home. #29 and walk to G.P. Handsome black guy on #29 gives me hard look. Black barista at C.B. Talk with my strange “homeless” friend about Dante and 2001: A Space Odyssey. Go to library. Read more from Trauma. Walk thru G.C.P. Murder of crows followed by one unexpected hawk coming from behind. Go to M.S. “Sir Allen” glad to see me. Young guy with his girlfriend who I later figured out was his mother. Got very excited seeing him. Check out with Ian. He stamps my sandwich card twice, once for today and once for a few days ago when I forgot to present it to him. #43 to F.H. K home. In p.m. go thru old photos of my father. What stands out is the envelope he hand-wrote to Eva, his mother-ion-law. Very full of himself.

March 24 dream:  Interviewing for job. Woman was extremely excited to interview me. She may have thought I was someone else. It was Christmas time. Lots of red cups in the in-boxes. Carlsson was a name on an in-box.

March 24 dream:  Sitting at table with three others who were all excluding me. (*Relates to March 25 email from Heather, Randy and Alana about A.I.)

March 23, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and miss J so walk to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Trauma. Iffy weather so take #52 to F.H. Cute guy gets on and smiles self-consciously. I wait outside F.H. ’til he catches his bus. K home. Start talking almost immediately with guy with camera around his neck like me. His name is Mark. He looks very young but goes to CCSF. He wants to go to UC Santa Cruz. Go to W.F. See Easter display. I ask help desk, “When is Easter?” She says, “March 31.” Cute but stoic guy with her. In p.m. smell the musky, sweaty smell of my father.

March 23 dream:  Really beautifully woman that I work with talks to me. I’m all hot and bothered. Someone gives me a plate of meat.

March 23 dream:  Packing up. We’re all moving.

March 23 dream:  Young guy goes to hotel. Loses his virginity to prostitute.

March 23 dream:  Draft copy of my book is ready. I’m not sure it’s very clear.

March 23 dream:  Giving Prosperos class. Get to lesson 4 and have to repeat it. Not really liking it.

March 22, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K and #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more form Trauma. #35 to Castro. Take S to W.P. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Then #43 when it starts raining. Go to W.F. Memory: My father trying to get me to apply for NROTC. He never really asked me how I felt about it. And I didn’t offer.

March 22 dream:  Guy starts to move into my room in Saratoga ’cause I sold woman a shirt of mine and she says, “That’s against the law of the land.” Guy with them wears revealing pants. I say, ‘I like your pants.” I wake up.

March 21, 2024:  Go to eye doctor at noon. Remarkable experience. Very personable Dr. Zeng. She notices small spider on my shirt and removes it with my permission. And receptionist Laura. At one point, she and female co-worker are laughing at something on their laptop. I look at Laura and wonder if she is laughing at somebody. She smiles back at me. She is beautiful inside and out. I kind of lose my head over her. Take K home. Go to W.F. Buy chocolate chip cookies. Check out with Jeff. Eat cookies at home. Don’t finish package. Take nap. Stay in all day.

March 21 dream:  Nap dream: Walking Thane’s two black dogs. One disappears. I try to inform Thane.

March 21 dream:  At party, trying to get bent white record to play. We have plug. Not sure it will work. But we have the CD as well. Guy says he’s going to pay $10 as contribution.

March 21 dream:  Trying to find place where I can wipe my ass alone. Lots of people around. When I do wipe my ass, start showing it off to other guy in restroom.

March 21 dream:  “Always be ready to have sex at the drop of a hat.”

March 21 dream:  Talk with Kathy Buckles in cafeteria about her thesis. She is writing on bands from the ’60s in L.A. I say, “You don’t even know who I am.” She says, “Yes, I do. You’re Tom’s brother.”

March 20, 2024:  Wake up early and take #29 and go to G.P. Trying to find the glasses I dropped from my jacket hier. They weren’t on the street where I thought they might be. Take #52 to K home. See “Goldmine” on the way. Follow motorcyclist into W.F. I start talking to him. He turns out to be cute young blond guy looking for tea. Anonymous call around 11 a.m. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. #29 to San Jose Avenue. Look at cute guy. He gives me hard look. Later he gets up so I can check out his ass. J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Trauma. Walk around G.P. Guy crossing the street smiles at me with his eyes. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. Check out with Ed. #36 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Allen nearby. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Bullies don’t care about collateral damage. Conclusion: There is nothing secondary or subordinate to the indivisible power of Truth/Consciousness.

March 20 dream:  At meeting of bigwigs, I tell group that we should speak plainly so that a layman like myself can understand. And there’s no reason not to speak plainly, other than arrogance.

March 20 dream:  Big rain storm. Woman runs over guy. Cuts his neck. He survives. Streets are empty.

March 20 dream:  Trying to get to 2nd floor of building. Can’t find way in and deliver some used clothes. (*Relates to meeting Laura hier at Pacific Rim? Dream helps me decide not to send letter to her or her boss complimenting her.)

March 19, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Trauma  Library closes at 6 p.m. so I take #35 to Castro. Go to Eureka library which closes at 8 p.m. Read more from Trauma. Go to Rossi’s Deli. Buy lotto ticket. Realize I must have dropped my glasses. Go back to library. They don’t have them. Notice mouse rushing into bushes. Go back to Castro Station. Translate presence (as opposed to missing). Take K home. Two hetero couples convince me to go to front of car. Then I run into Brandon from Peet’s W.P. Really good to see him. He’s on his way to 24 Hour Fitness on Ocean.

March 19 dream:  Ring John’s doorbell. He says, “You don’t have to come up. I’ll come down. There’a s room near the lobby where we can eat.”

March 18, 2024:  in ’til 3ish. K to Church Street. Rush to sit near cute guy. Black guy coming the other way intentionally runs into me. Later loud black woman gets on. She involves everyone in getting directions to UCSF. Then completely ignores them and gets off in West Portal. Beautiful guy coming down stairs as I walk up at Church Street. He smiles self-consciously. I say, “Wow” aloud. Dental appointment. Talk with Dr. Adame briefly. Walk to Castro. Go to Peet’s on Market. Then go to Eureka library. Read from Trauma about some trauma that really got to me. Get anonymous call. I think it’s from John. Walk to Castro. Look excitedly into 440 Club. Guy at his marijuana stand smiles at me which he usually doesn’t do. Walk up 18th Street to Portola to #52 to F.H. K home. Guy exits on Junipero Serra. We lock eyes briefly. I get off one stop early and take photos of several new murals on Ocean Avenue. Stop at Poke Bowl. Middle-aged guy from March 12(?) smiles at me as I enter. Douglas there. Surprises me. We talk about food. He says he likes Mexican. I say, “Which resto?” He says, “El Farolito.” I say, “I’ll check it out and get back to you.” Shits in p.m.

March 17, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Also quiet gay guy sitting next to me. He walks out. Also my homeless guy who is very smelly today. He also walks out. Go to library. Read more from Trauma. Look up the word analgesia. It means the inability to feel pain. Makes me happy. It means to me that my own body pain may be an indication of a recovery from the initial analgesic trauma. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. Compliment Derek on his pants. Checkout with Ian. #43 home. Guy on #43. We exchange looks as he exits.

March 17 dream:  Talk about movie some of us had just seen. The closing credits were very long and moving. Homer Flynn was among them.

March 16, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #49 to San Jose Avenue, Gay guy at San Jose and Ocean. As I was trying to figure out whether he was gay or straight, he smiles at me. Balloon cluster appears to walk down Ocean Avenue. J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Tell Valentina that I had an illumination. Though I didn’t get into the details with her, this was my breakthrough: When I was a child, my father tried to keep me under his thumb. When he was no longer around, my pelvic pain did the same job. The pain started in the ’80s on days after a night of drinking. I only drank on the weekends, but the pain was so bad that I quit drinking in ’86. That was my first trigger: getting drunk and letting go and then having pelvic pain. After I quit drinking, it took a while, but I started to have pelvic pain after eating ice cream or sweet foods or even coffee. Anything that gave me a rush of happiness, if even minor, was a threat to my father’s inner control of me. If I had fun, I might get out of control, If I’m out of control, I might remember what my father did to me. So I learned (or mis-learned) that to survive I had to clamp down on all my emotions, whatever they were. But the breakthrough was that it began almost a decade before I had thought. It began in my drinking days, not in ’93 or so as I had thought. (*Insight relates to coyote from hier, I think.) Go to library. Start Trauma and Recovery. It’s really good. Walk to G.C.P. to #36 to F.H. Talk to guy flying his drone in G.C.P. K home. Really obnoxious middle-aged woman swinging her legs like a 7-year-old girl. Later beautiful bleached-blond skateboarder gets on, checks his image in the window and sits down. I get up and say, “Did you do some skateboarding?” He smiles and says, “Yes.” He puts his large earphones back on his ears. Makes me bouncy happy.

March 16 dream:  Reporter is going to work on his own. Maybe half on his own.

March 16 dream:  I’m eating at resto on upper 18th Street in the Castro. I get up to take care of something. Notice John is at table with cute but balding young guy. Leave. Go back to my table. Am surrounded by hillbillies making jokes about Boomers.

March 15, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Finish Divided Mind. Robert at library. Walk thru G.C.P. Active bee hive warning on lower level. So I go higher. Hear coyote yell (or child imitating coyote). Then see actual coyote. He looks at me with curiosity as I take his photo. As I exit G.C.P., run into Janet, the Coyote Lady. #36 to F.H. K home. View 2-hour John Sarno lecture on YouTube in p.m.

March 15 dream:  Trying to buy two CDs or DVDs. I asked before to make sure they had them. They only had one. On trip somewhere.

March 15 dream:  Guy goes “serious’ with a gun. We are behind every lives. The territory every was is turned on.

March 15 dream:  3-way accident in Chinatown other intersection.

March 14, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Stare down cute guy at Diamond and Bosworth. Shows me I’m not really interested in having sex with him. Just in “fitting in.” Like I tried for years to fit in with my stepfamily. Go to library. Read more from Divided Mind. Walk thru lower level of G.C.P. Go to M.S. Sir Allen not happy to see me. Derek is. (*See dream of March 13.) Insight: My pelvic pain is the somatization of my fear of having sex again (or what passed as sex with my father). 

March 14 dream:  Addressing manila envelopes to about 12 different addresses. (h.o.)

March 14 dream:  Many boxes of different aspects of my life. (h.o.)

March 14 dream:  Had to skip 2nd part of Prosperos talk I was giving to take care of another project I was working on.

March 14 dream:  Riding thru S.F., big city even though it is only 825,000 people or so. Am early for final bus of the day out of here. Have to wait for two other buses first. My landlady makes me a macaroni sandwich.

March 13, 2024:  Noisy Apt. 429 upstairs. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Lots of young Asian guys on #29 get up to give me a seat. Josie and other barista at C.B. Pelvic pain is “payment” for being raped. I blame myself, of course. Go to library. Read more from Divided Mind. Walk to G.P. Recreation Center. Take shits there. Walk to Woodside. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Hear Riordan High School marching band as I enter apartment building. See little bird who can’t seem to fly in apartment courtyard. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Dissociation causes emotional and psychosomatic pain. Conclusion: The body of Truth/Consciousness is infused with the credit-worthy emotion of Truth.

March 13 dream:  Speaker Johnson and I stay after work. He says, “We could have sandwiches.” I don’t respond. He says, “Do you put air in your tires?” (*Relates to Derek from March 14?)

March 12, 2024:  Fire alarm testing begins at 9 a.m. Internet goes down during tests. So I play a lot of Solitaire ’til about noon. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Girl offers me seat on #29. I say, “No, thanks.” Black woman bus driver says, “But thank you for asking.” I repeat, “But thank you for asking.” This amuses young Asian guy standing next to me. Mark at C.B. Middle-aged man comes into C.B. He seems familiar to me. Like I knew him from somewhere in my past whether in this world or in another. I find myself sort of showing off to him in my conversation with Mark, a regular human being. Go to library. Learn Librarian No. 2 is named Robert. Read more from Divided Mind. Walk outside. #35 is practically begging me to board. So I take #35 to Castro. Get off at 18th Street. Catch in my throat as I approach 440 Club. I go inside to take pee. And I leave a note on the chalk board inside: “Hi, John. -m.z.” Walk up Corbett to Portola to #52 on Glenview. Young couple and hot Asian on #52. Walk around hot Asian guy at F.H. He smiles. Just miss K. Another cute Asian guy gets on M. I follow him. He is carrying what looks like a trumpet case. I say, “Is that a trumpet?” He says, “Yeah.” I say, “I used to play trumpet.” He smiles. He has wonderful smile and face. Stay on M to Ocean. Meet other young man at Junipero Serra, waiting for K. He tells me he works at W.F. Stonestown. I tell him I live on top of W.F. Ocean Avenue. As he boards K, he says, “Nice talking to you.” Go to my W.F. and home. Watch Kid Detective in p.m. Protagonist reminds me of Jonathan Flynn. (*See dream of January 19.)

March 12 dream:  Woman says that’s like sticking a poison spider in your car and making someone think the poison came from within them.

March 12 dream:  Someone dealing cards from the bottom of a new desk of cards. Country’s first leader had been killed.

March 11, 2024:  See clip of naked John Cena at Oscars. Jerk off in a.m.. In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Josie at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Divided Mind. Realize my sexuality was an existential threat to my security. (*Relates to last dream of hier. Also to clip of naked John Cena at Oscars. It was supposed to be funny but it triggered me. Reminded me of time our family took short vacation in Aptos in the ’60s. Stepsister Nancy sees a naked man in an adjoining window. Dad jokes, “I’m sure that’s upsetting to you.” It was upsetting to me. I knew I would never have that kind of freedom in my family. But I realize it couldn’t have happened any other way with the people involved (including myself) and at that time it took place. So I felt a real sense of release. My homeless guy walks by. He makes me laugh. Felt like the perfect ending to my dramatic day. Walk thru G.C.P. on lower level to M.S. Check out with Ed. #44 to F.H. K home. Sit next to cute but strange-acting guy on K. Later young guy with beard joins us. At one point we locked eyes a little longer than we should have. We all get off at same stop. Follow bearded guy into W.F. he goes to restroom. I do, too. He goes to stall. I go to urinal. On way home meet delivery guy from Calibur in our building lobby. I felt like moving all over him.

March 11 dream:  Figuring out what presents to buy my interracial, intersection al friends, including Flash Gordon in tights.

March 10, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Also my homeless guy. Go to library. Sit next to my homeless guy. Read more from Divided Mind. Walk to G.P. Recreation Center. Take Shits there. Walk upper level G.C.P. to #44 to F.H. Stand next to cute guy on K even though there were lots of seats available. He finally responds at Lee Avenue where we both get off. Go to W.F. Check out next to Cole’s station. Feel surge of freedom in p.m.

March 10 dream:  Officer says, “The body is gay.” I say, “Sir, doesn’t the mind have to be gay first?” He says, “Okay. Both are gay.”

March 10 dream:  Woman says, “I am in love with a Communist.”

March 10 dream:  Stepsister Laurie took two of my jackets (a satin royal blue and a pink corduroy) and sewed them together. I complain to stepmother Harriet even though I know Harriet is not usually on my side. I try to hit Laurie, but can’t. I say, “If that jacket is ever in the closet, I’ll wear it.” (*Relates to John Cena RHS on March 11?)

March 9, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 to San Jose Avenue. Get off #29. Feel like I want somebody (or me) to take my pants down. Take J to G.P. Can’t get my camera to work ’til I get inside C.B. Valentina there. Go to library. Read more from Divided Mind. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to #44 to F.H. K home. Sit near sole cute guy on K. He exits at St. Francis Circle. Followed by gay guy who gave ma lascivious look, as if he knew what I was up to. Go to W.F. Good-looking man standing behind me at refrigerated food section. I wait for him to make a move. He walks away. I catch up with him at checkout station. Old fat Asian guy gets in line ahead of me. My friend pauses and then takes off. I check out with Cole. Feel body pains in p.m. Find out Oscar Wilde’s ear wound was in his right ear, not his left, like mine. So maybe John and I are not a reincarnation of Oscar and Bosie, like I have toyed with in my imagination.

March 9 dream:  Quit my boring but lucrative job with the state. Then try to get it back.

March 8, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Sweet young girl on J. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Divided Mind. Go outside. Notice hot young man putting groceries into his bike bag. Stand around until he notices me getting bouncy happy. I think I hear other guy say “Corvallis.” Take #35 to Castro. K to F.H. Walk up steps of F.H. (There’s a lot of them.) Then walk to M.S. Check out with Angel. Just miss #52. Catch #48 to W.P. K home. Pick up Wall Street Journal from train floor. Ad says: “Nothing compares to what’s next.” Listen to Wagner’s Lohengrin on Y.T. Apparently the Wedding March is part of it.

March 8 dream:  One of a few about to help clients who may have had to face death.

March 8 dream:  Guy asks for slice of cake off of pink cake tree. I give him one.

March 7, 2024:  In ’til 11:30ish. Take #29 and BART to Rockridge Station in Oakland. Young guy at Balboa Station cruises me. Take written test at DMV. Almost don’t pass eye exam. Walk to Berkeley. Guy walking his dog on Forest Street smiles at me. Go to Romeo’s Coffee on Telegraph. My friend from December 20 not there. Go to Peet’s next door. Then walk to Bancroft. Go into barber shop to check out guy sitting in the window. Also gay gay on Telegraph. Walk down Bancroft to Shattuck. Sweet young man at Shattuck and Kittridge waiting for the AC bus. He takes bus to Rockridge BART station. I sit next to cute Asian guy on F. As he gets off, I say, “Sorry” [for being in the way]. He says, “No problem.” Walk from Salesforce Transit Center to Market Street. Guy on Fremont Street smiles at me unbidden. Walk up Market to 7th Street. Beautiful black man at corner of 5th and Market. Take F to Castro. Then K home. Talk with young man carrying a trombone case. I tell him I used to play the trombone as well. I think he’s in high school. He says he’s in elementary school. He has a ball on the seat next to him. I say, “You play soccer as well?” He says, “It’s a volley ball.” For some reason, I feel my face turn red, but only on the left side. I don’t say any more. Get off at Lee. He’s still on. Go to Poke Bowl. New nice guy there. When I get home, I really want something sweet like ice cream. (*Relates to last dream of March 4?)

March 7 dream:  I miss my stepmother Harriet.

March 6, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Josie at C.B. Also odd old guy who, I guess, is also my friend now. Go to library. Read from DMV and Divided Mind. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to #44 to F.H. Follow guy from #44 into F.H. Take elevator down with him. When K comes, he disappears. Later as I am about to exit K, I turn in my seat to check out cute skateboarder. And then my friend from #44 comes out of nowhere to exit on Jules. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: The mind is divided into three parts:  the conscious mind, unconscious mind and the supraconscious mind, but the unconscious mind is the one that runs things. Conclusion: Truth is one Self-awakening Awareness. Insight: When Prosperos student said hier that he got mad when I told him about my father sexually abusing me. I wondered, “Why?” I think I had such a sense of inferiority that outrage never occurred to me.

March 6 dream:  Standing in front of green blackboard. In my head and the audience. I was in front of our Menlo Park home. Asked somebody to start the musical accompaniment. Also asked the date. Somebody says, “It’s April 20.”

March 6 dream:  Book I’m writing: “The Problem Is I Took Too Long.”

March 5, 2024:  Anonymous call(s) in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Prosperos student calls. Says he slept in same bed as Thane back in the ’70s and that Thane fondled him. I say, “Yeah, my father did that to me when I was 9 years old.” He says, “Oh, that really makes me mad.” Mark at C.B. Three really attractive young men at table with one young woman. None of them were interesting. Go to library. Read from DMV and Divided Mind. Feel physically bad. Cute little blond boy comes up to me and raises his arms in triumph. I wave my arms back. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. #44 to F.H. K home.

March 5 dream:  MLK had a home in Baldwin Hills.

March 4, 2024:  One of two anonymous calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. K to Balboa Station. Biracial guy with his pants below his butt. J to G.P. As I pass BART, handsome Asian BART worker with queue smiles at me. I do a double take, stop in my tracks and smile back like a teenage girl. Josie at C.B. Go to library. Read more from DMV and Divided Mind. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. Feel “shitty.” Take “shits” at M.S. Talk with Derek (about his pants) See Ian, Sir Allen and check out with bright new Asian guy named Ben. He’s a student. #44 to F.H. K home. See beautiful Asian man as I enter K. Do double take. He’s sitting behind me. Later he moves across the aisle from me. His face, though beautiful, is quite dour. I want to connect with him somehow. He has on those large earphone which cover his ears. I Translate “connect” in my head. Then I decide just to do something noticeable. So I put my groceries in the empty seat in front of me and I just stand in place. He gets off at Jules. I think he’s headed for the 24 Hour Fitness gym. Other gay guy on board, too.

March 4 dream:  Riding around in motorized wheelchair trying to swat away a bee. Sending a letter to 1 Sacramento.

March 4 dream:  Almost fall into soft blue yet wild ocean. Aren’t ready. I really have to hold myself back. Big octopus swims by. Girl sitting nearby who I know would be impressed if I took the dive.

March 3, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Crowded. Go to library. Read from DMV and Divided Mind. My homeless guy there. Walk to G.C.P. Take pee at Recreation Center. Walk thru upper paths of G.C.P. As I exit, there are three guys at Portola Drive. I check out the Asian guy wearing shorts. He looks back enticingly. As I approach crosswalk, I notice that the cross button has already been pressed even though nobody was around. I see one guy point his phone towards the button so I ask him, “Did you press the button with your phone?” Gives my friend (with the short pants) the opportunity to laugh and respond to me. Later I feel bad (really getting down on myself) for not especially wanting to get together with this guy. So I allowed myself to feel my self-hatred (for being different) rather than somaticizing it. #44 to F.H. Attractive black woman on M checks out my dick showing through my shiny red pants. Makes me happy. K home. As I cross Ocean at Lee, young man smiles seductively at me. Two policemen at corner. I say to the Universe, “I know that.” But I follow him a short way anyhow. He walks slowly. He’s probably about 20 or so. Jerk off in p.m. Watch Spellbound in p.m. Catch in my throat as film ends.

March 3 dream:  Someone (me?) takes a “7” photo and an “”8” photo.

March 3 dream:  Someone tries to steal my bike. As I recover it, someone else takes it. (*Relates to Facebook “restricting” the Bathtub Bulletin page since I attempted to post an article about sexual activity in a therapy group. The article wasn’t promoting the idea, just reporting it, as I pointed out to Facebook in an email.)

March 2, 2024:  In ’til about 1:30 p.m. K to Castro. Pass Namantha in front of his resto on Castro. He may not have noticed me. Go to P.O. Mail off passport application. (*Working on DMV renewal, noticed that my passport had expired. Now have to bring my birth certificate and change of name certification to DMV.) #35 to G.P. Could-be Calvin Klein underwear model sitting next to me. I look directly at him. He looks back. As he exits, he pulls down his jacket to cover his butt. Makes me hot. Go to C.B. Valentina there. Also kind of scary homeless guy there. He asks me for a $1. I give him one. I Translate. Finally, strange old guy from February 21 talks to scary homeless guy and he leaves shortly thereafter. In thanks, I speak to strange old guy as I exit C.B. Go to library. Read more from DMV and Divided Mind. See my homeless guy. I stare him down. When I leave, it’s raining again so I take #44 to F.H. Meet young sophomore from Riordan H.S. He tells me he has a friend from school, a black guy named Tony M., who lives in the same building as me. K home. Go to Poke Bowl. See same nice guy as February 28. Insight: Realize my body pains and tingling, which began around January 31, may be in sympathy with Aaron Bushnell who self-immolated on February 25. (*See dream of February 25.) Second insight: Reason I have noisy neighbor upstairs is because I am unconsciously used to being around people who don’t like or respect me, i.e., my stepfamily.

March 2 dream:  “Italy.”

March 1, 2024:  Bills and monthly BB. Find out PG&E didn’t receive my check. Pay over phone. In ’til 3ish. Pick up passport application at copy place. Take passport photo at Walgreens. Woman says, incredulously, “Is this okay?” I say, “Well, that’s what I look like.” K to Castro. It’s raining hard. Go to Spike’s. Go to Eureka Valley library. Cute homeless guy in bathroom. Go to Rossi’s Deli. Take K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Allen. The word “occur” means “to run to.”

March 1 dream:  Chinatown International event. I scratch my black shirt and it leaves white scratch marks. Introduced to girl from Asia who wants to see Arnold Schwarzenegger walk by. There’s a plastic screen between us and the street. Me and my friend agree that he lives in the East Bay now. Young blond guy in bikini underpants and cut-off T-shirt with perfect body.

February 29, 2024:  Call DMV robot. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Finish Mind Over. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. Check out with Sir Allen. Rude woman ahead of me lost her wallet. #52 to F.H. K home. Other rude woman on K. K turns into M ’cause Ocean Avenue line is down. I stay on the M. Happy I made the mental connection between the two rude women, one portending the other. As I exit M at Balboa Station, see two guys who must have gotten on after me. Connect with the prettier one who gives me a sort of double take. Take #8 home. Loud, rude woman on #8 as well. Start to hate myself because of the rude women. Insight: Discover my passport has expired. Leads me to remember the feeling of burden I had as a child of having to take care of everything.

February 29 dream:  Nancy Ryan angry that I’m not in love with her. I invite her to look at some nice newly-remodeled apartments.

February 28, 2024:  Anonymous call. I say, “I’m a blank.” In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Flirt with cute guy on Diamond Street bench. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Start reading Mind Over Back Pain. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to #36 to F.H. K home. Go to Poke Bowl. Really friendly guy there. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Survivor guilt means that if you have fun you’ll have to pay for it. Conclusion: Truth never leaves anything behind.

February 28 dream:  Go to Prosperos Assembly, I guess. Everyone dressed in their finest. Woman in very colorful satin pantsuit. I don’t know her. Carol Carter there in wheelchair with short stylish haircut and her breasts slightly exposed. I told her how great it was to see her. And that I’ve had some great Translations because of her. She was trying to tell me something but I kept interrupting. (*I think Carol Carter represents seeing Sharona on Monk on February 29.)

February 28 dream:  Male sperm and female egg merging.

February 28 dream:  “Occur.”

February 28 dream:  Harriet tries to clean my left ear. I say, “Be careful. The doctor says there is something wrong with it.” (*Which is interesting, because in waking life, the doctors could never find anything wrong with it.)

February 27, 2024:  Worked on taxes. In’ til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Two cutes guys on J. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Rawson. Say goodnight to other librarian from hier. #44 to F.H. K home. K stalls on West Portal Avenue. I panic and exit train. Later run to catch up with it. Then feel shame for not being able to handle the situation. (*Probably relates to shame I felt when my father trapped me, that I panicked and was not able to handle it. Then let myself off the hook. How was I supposed to act? But holding myself to a higher standard (after all, I come from God) is probably not a good idea psychologically. Bottom line: God didn’t show up for me. Maybe it was God’s way of saying: “You’re on your own.”) See “End” in kitchen.

February 27 dream:  Woman gives me letter from my father dated 1975.

February 27 dream:  My studio apartment was changed by my landlord without consulting me. It suddenly dawns on me that that makes me upset. There’s a ’50-style party going on. I talk to the manager. He says, “What about the 10 weeks you were unemployed?” I say, “What are you talking about?” He leads me to a very narrow file room. Lots of CEOs walking around. Earlier I thought, “I haven’t seen a cockroach around for a while.” Stepsister Laurie made deal with managers to get larger place with more than one room.

February 27 dream:  High fashion modeling in church. I read slick magazine. One of the group comes up to me and asks, “What are you going to do after this?” I say, “Probably read another magazine.”

February 27 dream:  Getting ready for party.

February 26, 2024:  Jerk off in a.m. Anonymous call follows. In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Josie there. We had an awkward goodbye. I think she’s still blaming me for not hooking up with her. I wasn’t having it. Go to library. Read from Rawson, who was very important to Thane. As I exit library, one librarian goes out of his way to say goodbye to me. Then other librarian, who has been cool to me since I started coming here, says, “Have a good night.” I say, “Thank you.” Walk up O’Shaughnessy to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Carmen, cool girl from February 19. Insight: ; Feel very defensive about Jon Stewart criticizing God but at the same time I blame God for my painful tingling.

February 26 dream:  S.F. has lost a lot of its population over the last few years.

February 25, 2024:  See “Ft. Collins” in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Just miss #29 and #49. Take #8 to Balboa Station. Just miss J. Walk to next J stop. J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Leave early. Go to library. Finish Pain. Talk with Librarian No. 1. Show him article I had cut out for him about live action version of animated series he had recommended to me: Avatar: The Last Airbender. He was not impressed. Walk to G.C.P. Take shit at Recreation Center. As I exit G.C.P. call Robby in Portland, Oregon. Good to talk with him. Walk to Woodside Avenue Muni stop. #44 to F.H. K home. W.F. See sandwich guy I had noticed on February 16. He was joking around with co-worker. Post quote about self-importance on the BB. I think that’s a big one for me. After all, I come from God. Also, feeling bad about taking my mother’s place with my father after she had died.

February 25 dream:  John Sarno party. Everyone goes to big game. Girl and I in traffic tunnel. We finally kiss.

February 25 dream:  Guy pretends to be big man with large card “responding” to him. Guy says he wants to die by fire. (*Relates to Aaron Bushnell on February 25, 2024?)

February 24, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Waiting for #29, guy with blank canvas under his arm walks by. I cross the street to talk with him. End up taking K with him going in the opposite direction of where I had intended. His name is Alvar. He knows Shrey. He also knows Homer from The Residents. His girlfriend dances with them. We talk all the way to the Castro. He gives me his card. I give him my website. Take #35 to G.P. Valentina at C.B. She’s very feisty today. Go to library. Read more from Pain. My homeless guy precedes me as I exit library. He heads me past C.B. as I catch sight of Valentina embracing her boyfriend. It’s just a moment, but I think I am jealous. Mommy should be embracing me, not Daddy. (*Relates to owl and coyote from hier? I was unconscious of this feeling from my child self (the owl from hier?) and later I felt bad about it (the coyote from hier?). Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. See Angel who ignores me and Derek who smiles at me. Asian guy at Woodside Muni stop who hides his face from me. #44 to F.H. K home. Two visitors to my online diary. Watching the movie “Jules” in p.m. Get really excited when the alien takes off in his spaceship ahead of the police who were chasing him. I think, “Show them who really has the power.”

February 24 dream:  Get in fight with stepsister Nancy.

February 23, 2024:  Walk by liquor store on Ocean Avenue. Owner standing outside smiles at me. #49 to San Jose Avenue. Cute guy in car as I’m waiting for J. We connect somehow though I can hardly see him. (*Relates to guy smiling at me earlier on Ocean?) Take J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Get anonymous call. (*Relates to hearing “May 1” hier?) Go to library. Read more form Pain. Walk to G.C.P. Take shits at Recreation Center. Hear owl. Walk thru upper part of G.C.P. Hear coyote on exiting. Go to M.S. Check out with Angel. Insight: My fear of being buried alive may relate to me burying my emotional past.

February 23 dream:  Hear: “I won’t be here that long.”

February 23 dream:  Two women excited to go to nude lake, Hetero couple joins them. Guy is named Steve. {I think I’m Steve.} At one point, Steve’s partner says, “Even Steve can get us in.”

February 22, 2024:  Have “breakdown” trying to get DMV handbook online. In ’til 3ish. Wait for #29 with attractive, strong young woman. We both board. Half way there I feel like taking my pants down. As I exit bus, she gives me wry smile. (*Relates to owl from hier?) Go to G.P. Justin and his mother Jane at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Pain. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Hear owl on my left. Go to M.S. Check out with Ed and Sir Allen. Go to CVS. #43 home. Guy who I tried to avoid at bus stop cruises me when we are seated near each other. Hear “May 1” in p.m.

February 22 dream:  Planning short vacation in New Hebrides. Have map out. (h.o.)

February 22 dream:  Woman says people were unfair to Trump. (*Trump a stand-in for my father?)

February 22 dream:  It’s 4:30 p.m. I get off work at 5. Try to take shit but toilet bowl is so big there’s nowhere to sit. And no privacy.

February 22 dream:  Call Candace about upcoming event. I keep forgetting her name.

February 21, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 to San Jose Avenue. Walk and J to G.P. Find $1 bill on the sidewalk. Go to C.B. Valentina there. Noah there, too. I show him my Pain Deception book. He politely laughs in my face as he awaits his physical therapy appointment for a stiff neck. Dropped pen on my way out. Strange old guy who I try to avoid points it out to me. I thank him. Go to library. Read more from Pain. My homeless guy there. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Allen. Go to Poke Bowl. Nobody I knew there. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Evil almost always tries to hide its face. Conclusion: The face of Truth is everyone, everything, everywhere, everywhen speaking the Truth, loving the Truth and upholding the Truth.

February 21 dream:  Ask politician how he became so successful. He says, “I don’t like defeet [sic].”

February 21 dream:  Cut in line with delivery girl. She supports Kamala for office. She has a rich backer who is not into defeet [sic].

February 21 dream: World coming to an end.

February 21 dream:  I move to Oakland. I look back to San Francisco from the eastern span of the Bay Bridge.

February 21 dream:  The words “Follow Me” on my BB site header.

February 21 dream:  Thom Hartmann: “Maybe you and I can make a sign that contributes to the upcoming election.

February 21 dream:  It’s snowing outside. Talk to guy about resto in island in the middle of the streets.

February 20, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K to City College stop. Push thru guard rail to Ocean Avenue like lacrosse player did hier. Young man pacing on Ocean. #29 to San Jose Avenue. Walk and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Mark there. Go to library. Read more from Pain. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Pass my homelsss guy. He turns away and kicks his left leg backwards violently as I pass. I say, “Watch it.” Hear owl slightly. Feel “shitty.” #44 to F.H. Follow cute guy into F.H. And take elevator down with him, even though it’s the wrong elevator for me. Then walk over to my side of the tracks. K home. Shits when I get home.

February 20 dream:  Travel to outer S.F. See book by Louise Hay about the corporate black state displayed with some other stuff. I walk by. Then I run into Louise Hay herself. I tell her I’m interested in the book. We’re in a car. Louise gives me a quarter. I say, “I was going to give you some money.” She says I should reap about $5,000. Other woman in car asks me if she can ask me some questions. I say, “Sure.” She asks when I have played basketball or something like that.

February 19, 2024:  In ’til l3ish. Take K to Balboa Station. Beautiful, tall, young guy with lacrosse paddle gets off at City College stop with older man. Both squeeze thru guard rails. I continue to Balboa Station. I take #49 to San Jose Avenue. Get “error” code on Muni. Fear it relates to lacrosse guy. See John 15:13 etched in pavement. I let first J train pass. It’s raining hard. Walk to Santa Rosa stop. Take J to G.P. Go to C.B. Josie there. Library closed. Walk to G.C.P. Take shits at Recreation Center. Hear woman hiker say to other woman. “Thanks for the warning.” I walk thru lower level of G.C.P. Go to Woodside Muni stop. Take photo of shirtless runner. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out near Cole. Start making salad. Realize I need more salad dressing. Go back to W.F. Check out with woman who is talking to other woman worker there. Pisses me off. Get all self-righteous. Then remember that woman checking me out was really being nice to me while listening to her friend. So I go back and buy some dark chocolate from same woman. Feel really good about her. Notice she is really beautiful and cool and that she has acne on her cheek, so I identified. I ask her, “Who’s the woman on your T-shirt.” She says, “Adele.” I say, “Yeah, I’ve heard of her.” She says, “She’s really great.” I say, “I’m sure she is” and I drop my wallet. As I exit W.F., I give the dark chocolate to friendly homeless guy I had met before. Get email from scam website in p.m. asking me for money for alleged copyright infringement on the BB.

February 19 dream:  Book written in ’53. I tell salesman I’m trying to get back with my family. Dad and two kids move into new house on new planet in old ’53 black & white TV show. Just before they go to bed, they see something behind the curtain. Dad says he’ll look into it in the a.m. I get into same bed with my father.

February 19 dream:  At Prosperos assembly after latest Super Bowl. We’re dividing class by lesson. I am to give lesson one. Rick Thomas, in an effort to help, he says, cuts up my lesson notes into thirds. I was furious at him.

February 19 dream:  Thane as a very old man.

February 18, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Looks like guy I bumped into at San Jose and Ocean disappeared as did other guy walking around corner on San Jose Avenue. Valentina at C.B. Insight: I wonder if my survival guilt relates to the death of my older brother Tom as well as my mother. Go to library. Read more from Pain. Walk thru G.C.P. Run into Coyote Lady. She tells me that the alpha male coyote has gone to a different location. And that there are two “intruder” alpha males here at G.C.P. I’m sure this relates to John somehow. Go to M.S. Kind lady tells me they were out of unsalted cashews. She was so kind that I was on the verge of tears. Later check out with Derek and the same woman. Start flirting with Derek even though I knew it might offend kind woman (my mother stand-in). I talk about Derek’s shirt. He talks about his pants. #44 to F.H. K home. Really handsome young Asian guy enters front car of K at W.P. He smiles self-consciously at me. I think that’s that. Then when I’m about to exit, I look around to see if he’s still on board. He is. He was only a few seats back from where I was sitting. He looks unhappy. He gets off at Miramar, I start to follow him, but doors shut in my face. I lean up against the window of the K train. One visitor to my online diary.

February 18 dream:  Guy helping me clean up gives me shower which turns into bathtub. Lots of cockroaches in all their hiding places. I take it outside and wash it out.

February 17, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. See Asian guy in white pants cross street to Beep’s. My bus is coming but I follow him anyway. Run into other cute guy walking towards me on Ocean instead. Run to next bus stop and catch #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. He tells me about Kouign-Amann. He gives me a taste. I find out it’s French. Duh. Go to library. Read more from Pain. As I’m reading, it suddenly occurs to me: Survival Guilt! That’s what has prevented me from joy in my life, whether that’s sweet drinks or sex. (I can’t even smile in photographs.) How can I enjoy anything with my mother lying there on the ground with chunks of blood coming out of her mouth? It’s not fair. It’s not right. (*Relates to owl from hier, no doubt.) It’s raining outside, so I take BART and #8 home. Loud black girl with me on #8.

February 17 dream:  Go to work for guy briefly. He calls me a “movie producer.” I try to get away as quickly as possible.

February 17 dream:  Idea: They killed my mother, so I … to be their kind.

February 17 dream:  Hanging out and talking with girl on podcast.

February 17 dream:  Sit next to girl I thought was traveling to Brazil today. She says, “Belize.” Our legs touch.

February 16, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Send card to Calvin: “I want to thank you for leading me to the two most important pathways in my life: (1) the pathway to Thane and The Prosperos and (2) the pathway to Ciro’s on the Sunset Strip.” #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. He saved an oatmeal cookie for me. Go to library. Read more from Pain. Read about triggers to pain like my trigger of eating something sweet. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Three black guys pass me. One says, “Where’d you get the camera?” I say, “The store.” Hear owl. #51 to F.H. As I enter K get excited about sitting across from guy I had seen before. As he exits, he stands close to me. There’s nobody else around, but his crotch is right next to my face. I look up. His expression indicates that he knows what he’s doing. Go to W.F. Excited to see guy in sandwich department. I say to myself, “I want to talk with that guy.” He comes over. He’s excited to see me, too. He sells me some Brussel sprouts. Check out with older guy. Say hello to W.F; worker emptying the trash outside.

February 16 dream:  I restore face on pillow. Guy and I are planning one event, maybe two.events, like church services. The second event would be on the 4th or 6th of the month.

February 16 dream:  After long day of work, we sit down to eat. Someone says I should just go to bed. Woman asks me the difference between roasted and grated. (*Relates to realization of February 17?)

February 16 dream:  At finish of some sort of spiritual. Man laying on the ground unconscious or dead. Mouth open. Neck crooked. People walk by, including me. (*Relates to realization of February 17?)

February 15, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Nasty spam caller who wanted to know the names of my banks. I told him, “I think you’re lying.” Guy waiting for #29 with me at Ocean and Lee. When the K train comes, he jumps on. I jump on after him. He’s very seductive in everything he does. As I exit, I say, referring to his shoes, “Are they comfortable?” He says, “Yeah.” I say, “Are they Crocs?” He says, “Yeah.” I just wanted to make some sort of connection with him. Take J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Pain. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. Then CVS. Then #43 home. Girl in front looks back at me with interest. I sit across from her. She wants me to come on to her, I guess. As soon as she exits bus, feels like somebody kicked me in the lower back. Notice the connection between me habitually getting down on myself for not living up to what I think is expected of me. The pain has been with me since at least 1986 when I gave up drinking because of the pelvic pain afterwards. Habit of getting down on myself started after my father started fucking me in 1955 or so. Go to W.F. Check out with Allen.

February 15 dream:  Injury in side of my mouth. Suddenly a guy appears in an elevator and shows me the way out. Dr. says he can give me some help but it would have to be thru Aetna or some other HMO.

February 15 dream:  Flying back to London. Have two small cars below. Wonder how I’m going to get them both home. Lots of British airline workers (I think) rushing up the hills in excitement to see somebody, possibly me.

February 14, 2024:  In’ til 3ish. Zac on The Vanguard podcast pisses me off by criticizing 49ers coach. I was ready to beat him up. Later I realize he was right. (*Relates to standing up for my father. Then realizing maybe that was a mistake.) #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Josie there. We (Josie, me and black woman customer) talk about Super Bowl overtime. Go to library. Read more from Pain. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. Check out with Ed and Angel. We talk about the Super Bowl overtime rules. Go to CVS. Then burrito place. #43 home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Emphysema and narrowing of blood vessels indicate trouble breathing and trouble being energized. Conclusion: There is no impediment to the oxygen of Truth.

February 14 dream:  Offer to get drinks or snacks. Get wine. Woman wants “anything in a box.”

February 14 dream:  Trying to help “fish” artist become famous. Try to catch bus to western part of city. New Korean bank or two being built.

February 13, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Cute guy on J. Valentina at C.B. Gang of skateboarders across the street from C.B. Connected with one. Go to library. Read more from Pain. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Screeching police car drives by. #44 to F.H. Two teenage girls laugh at me. Feels like an attack. K home. Stop at Fruit Barn. Two very cute, sweet guys there. Pass Poke Bowl. My “boyfriend” not in.

February 13 dream:  If you’re having a relationship at work, you need to report it. (h.o.)

February 13 dream:  Dianne Feinstein has heart attack. I begin to dial 911.

February 13 dream:  Lack of party(?) because of Marianne Williamson’s voice. Marianne walks out. Says her voice is fine.

February 13 dream:  Last day of work. Boss asks Mary, “Go downstairs and get some Scotch. It’s celebration time.”

February 12, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Anonymous call at 3:30sh. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Read more from Pain. Author talks about Freud’s id, ego and superego. I think my pelvic pain comes from my superego not allowing my id the hot love it wants. Also remember the unspoken pledge I made to all the good-looking boys who were my friends growing up, that I would never cross the line and do anything gay, though that wasn’t even a word in use at the time. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to #44 to F.H. K home. As I exit K, notice young guy in gray hoodie. Then see woman in gray hoodie and think that’s who I was looking at. Go to W.F. Nothing there for me. Walk to Poke Bowl. Notice guy in gray hoodie hanging out in front of W.F. Hang out with him. See that he is too young for me. Go to Poke Bowl. Guy there is too young for ma as well.

February 12 dream:  Go to party with Tom C. The party starts at 8 p.m. Tom wants to show up fashionably late at 8:50 p.m.

February 12 dream:  Having dinner and drinks with Thane and others. Somebody gives me and all the others a drink. I assume they’re buying.

February 11, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Valentina there. We talk briefly. I tell her, “I have to go watch the Super Bowl.” She laughs. Go to library. Begin reading or re-reading The Great Pain Deception. Feel “shitty.” Walk to G.P. Recreation Center. Take shits there. Walk thru G.C.P to #44 to F.H. K home. Fireworks go off as I arrive home at Ocean and Lee. Follow Super Bowl online on Google. Wow. It was so close. I thought SF was going to win.

February 11 dream:  Singing “I have often walked down this street before…” with slightly different lyrics.

February 11 dream:  Guy asks his friend to jerk him off.

February 11 dream:  Sitting next to cute guy at back of bus. At one point we touch foreheads. Black girl outside is attracted to him. Then guy is attracted to him. Then we’re watching a movie that I think my friend created. He talks about article in socialist newspaper about getting out more and that’s why he is getting out more. He’s sitting next to me. Then he gets up and stands next to the movie screen and watching the crowd.

February 10, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K and BART to G.P. Mark at C.B. Get the feeling that he doesn’t really like me. Is it because I don’t want to watch the Super Bowl? Go to library. Finish Well. Walk into bathroom. My homeless guy there. He quickly walks out. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to #44 to F.H. K home. When I get home I see that somebody has visited my online diary. (*Relates to shits form hier, I think.) In p.m. really missing my high school friends. Insight: Consciousness is not naivety. Another insight: Only people who can be gaslit are people who gaslight themselves. Third insight: Kissing Cree while under LSD at 1969 party and then shaking like a leaf afterwards may not have been out of fear of my father striking me, but out of fear of my father leaving me.

February 10 dream:  Guy wants me to add some pens(?) and questions at end of test.

February 9, 2024:  Get call around 2 p.m. when I’m in the shower. They leave a message which is just background noise. I text a response: “Still using burner phones? Grow a pair.” (*Relates to coyotes from hier, I think) Decide to throw out my father stone with the trash. (*See diary from hier.) In ’til 3ish. K and #49 and J to G.B. Go to C.B. Mark there. At one point, feel that the two girls sitting next to me are talking about me. Then I think, “That’s not real. That’s just an old tape running.” When I finally look up, nice black guy smiles at me in response. Go to library. Read more from Well. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Feel “shittier” and “shittier.” Go to M.S. Take shits there. Check out with new guy who tells me about his Uniqlo jacket and pants. Walk to F.H. Wait for train with cute young man. We exchange looks after he boards M. I take K home. Run into woman artist who I met on J train on September 26, 2023. Go to W.F. Then go to Poke Bowl. I compliment cute worker there on his “fashionable” necklace. He says, “See you next time.”

February 9 dream:  Realization: The split in my psyche, the cause of my pelvic pain, is between the father that I loved and trusted as a child and the dissociation from him after he molested me sexually.

February 9 dream:  Memory: me holding up sock to my butt and feeling ashamed and in pain.

February 9 dream:  Trying to put cat in freezer. He doesn’t like it. Neither does my father. I embrace cat at end.

February 9 dream:  Father cancelling $139 million debt of mine?

February 8, 2024:  Anonymous call about 9:30 a.m. I sleep thru it but they leave a message which is just background noise. I text in response: “U forgot to talk to me.” (*Relates to mouse from hier? Also to John dream of February 5, I think.) Take #43 to Jun’s hair salon appointment at noon. Have nice time with Jun. Tell him about Mane ‘n Tail conditioner which I accidentally bought instead of the shampoo. It made me mad ’cause of all the trouble I had to go thru to find it. After I left salon, I went to Safeway next door and found the shampoo there! Was so excited I wanted to rush back and share my excitement with Jun. Then I thought: Since I’m here, maybe I should just walk thru the store to see if there’s anything I need. Then I thought: But if I do that, I may lose my excitement to see Jun. So I head back to Jun’s and share my good news. He seems surprised to see me again. Later I feel a kind of death of my childhood (childish?), naive relationship with my father. Reminded me how much I used to love and trust my father. (*Relates to coyotes from hier, I think.) Go home ’til 3ish. Get 2nd anonymous call. Take #29 and J to G.P. Sit across from cute “tough guy” on #29. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Well. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Hear coyotes again. Take #52 to F.H. It’s closed. Hop onto #43. Sit next to and meet Leo, who’s reading a book about phenomenology, etc. He’s also a Sunday school teacher for Jewish kids. We have a nice conversation. I tell him that the expression “You’re just seeing things” applies to everything we see, not just the “unnormal” things we see. I give him BB website address. He says he may contact me. I say, “Yes, you can do that.” In p.m., decide to get rid of stone I found on April 29, 2023 saying “I didn’t mean to hurt you” which I always thought was from my father.

February 8 dream:  Start new job. Katie Porter thinks I’m being a dick, but I’m not.

February 8 dream:  I had written an actor’s play. Someone wanted me to go to Scotland. I say, “I’ve been to Scotland before. I wanted to go and I went. I don’t want to go again.”

February 8 dream:  Go to Muslim AA meeting. Men only.

February 7, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Sit near cute young guy on J. Pull up my pants leg to scratch myself. Cute guy sees my hairy leg. As I approach C.B., my homeless guy rounds the corner and heads to the library. Josie at C.B. Also Noah. He and I sit together ’til he has to go to his “pain in the neck” physical therapy appointment. Go to library. Finish Shaman. Start The Deepest Well. Return books to Librarian No. 1. He’s happy to see me. At one point, when I hear my homeless guy shuffling around, I find myself automatically wanting to submit to him, just like I did with my father. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. See mouse rush into the bushes. Hear coyotes briefly. #36 to F.H. Notice cute Asian guy on M just as it leaves station. Entering K, notice young guy who seems to be hiding from something. Later he says he’s from Google and wants to know where people got on and where they are headed. But he didn’t ask me. (*On February 8, guy dressed similarly says he’s from Muni.) Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Mind is the cause of sin, disease and death. Conclusion: The beliefs of Mind are effortless, infinite, Truthful (Mindful) and eternal.

February 7 dream:  Attending an assembly and thinking of organizing another one with the help of woman friend.

February 6, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Go to Muni stop at Lee Avenue. Nice-looking black guy joins me on the island in the middle of Ocean Avenue. But when the K train comes, he doesn’t get on. Later, on arriving at G.P. on J train, I notice young woman as I exit. I say to myself, “I’m not interested in that.” She didn’t get on J. I look back and she’s gone. Go to C.B. They’re open today. Hier there was a power outage. Mark there. Guy reading book. I say, “What are you reading?” He tells me it’s a book by Ishmael Reed set in the ’80s. As we talk, I notice he’s checking me out. (*Relates to black guy on Ocean and young woman at J train stop in G.P. I mentioned earlier. Black guy represents sexual opportunity. Young woman represents someone I’m not interested in sexually.) Go to library. Read more from Shaman. My homeless guy there. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. Sir Allen shows me where chives are. Check out with Brian. He gives me update on his recovery progress. #52 to F.H. K home. Train runs out of power at Jules Street. We all get off and walk home. Stop by Walgreens. Meet Justin. Walk up Ocean. Stop by Poke Bowl ’cause there’s a cute guy in there. Then there are two. Go home via front door. Take elevator up with two girls who get off on 3rd floor with me. Then they enter into apartment where cute Asian guy from hier entered.

February 6 dream:  Staying with Aunt Joanne for a while. She has on this fancy floral gown and when she takes it off, it stands up on its own. She says, “Give me a bath, will ya?” I didn’t know if she was speaking to me or not. Doors are open. Others are around. Someone talks about taking the flight back to Granville.

February 6 dream:  I pick up my birthday card.

February 6 dream:  Bob Meslinsky taps me on my butt.

February 6 dream:  Insight: I fought back at first (with my father).

February 6 dream:  Biden is going to win.

February 5, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. C.B. closed! Go to Pebbles Cafe across the street which is terrible. Then go to Cuppa which doesn’t even have hot drinks. I sit for a while, listening to YouTube and doing crossword puzzle. Then notice cute young guy sitting at table across from me. Then see that he’s guy from January 25 with his little bro. Big bro smiles at me with his eyes. Go to library. My homeless guy goes to men’s room just as I arrive. I read more from Shaman. Author expands definition of illness to include financial unwellness. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to Woodside Muni stop. Cute Asian guy there who thinks a lot of himself. We both take #36 to F.H. Second cute young guy enters while I’m sitting on bench waiting for K. He sits far away from me. I enter K in one door. He enters in another. I wait to see where he will sit. Third gay guy notices me waiting and smiles with interest. Second guy gets off at W.P. Go to W.F. Go home via front lobby. See cute Asian guy there sorting his mail. I stop in my tracks to see what he will do. He approaches me and smiles. He and I and 3 or 4 others take elevator to 3rd floor. I notice apartment where he lives.

February 5 dream:  John and I go to different reunions(?) Then we are back. We sit near each other, me on couch and he on floor. I think there has been some sort of gift exchange. Get call that I should register gifts at Dept. or I’ll get 600 sales calls.

February 4, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. As I cross Ocean Avenue, try to make out face of guy coming towards me. Makes me mad. I say to myself, “Why can’t I see his face!?!” He goes into W.F. I take K and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Mark there. Library closes at 5 p.m. So does C.B. I rush up steps of library to see if any books or DVDs are waiting for me. Nothing waiting for me except my homeless guy who is waiting outside the men’s room. When he sees me, he rushes off. It’s raining again. So I take #35 to Castro. Strange young Asian guy checking me out in back seat. Go to Rossi Deli. Then walk outside. Notice that it seems to be raining. I don’t feel anything raining on me. I kind of twirl around in excitement. As I approach Castro Station, I feel the rain again. K home. Worked on book in p.m.

February 4 dream:  My laundry team takes time out for a big parade. Lots of uniformed marching bands. My girlfriend is one of the drum majors. I say “delicious” about one of her outfits.

February 4 dream:  Walk along S.F. street. It turns into construction project. Some newly-built housing collapses. I almost fall into Alaska project. I’m a woodworker now. Woman not happy to see me. Guy there, too. I’m looking for woodworking job.

February 4 dream:  Go to scientology place. Sit across from good-looking guy. Then I figure out where I am. They give me a 4-videotape package. Guy talks about cute girls.

February 3, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Cute black guy gets on J with me. He smiles at me as he boards. Go to Cafe Bello. Valentina there. She has let her hair down. We talk about In Search of the Miraculous. Go to library. Start The Way of the Shaman. Leave a little early. As I leave, my homeless guy is standing in front of the men’s room. So I leave. He rushes away, pretending to be scared of me. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Take pee on vacant steps. Feel “shitty.” Go to M.S. and take shits there. See Ian and Sir Allen. Check out with Brian instead of Ed. Walk to F.H. in mild rain. Take K home. Briefly walk into W.F. See Cole. Someone has read my online diary today. (*Relates to shits at M.S. earlier, I think.)

February 3 dream:  Get ready to take shower. Can’t find it. Guys still working on the other room. They show me truck with powerful motors. Young guy asks me if I want to join them. I really need to take a shower so I can wash my asshole.

February 3 dream:  Barbara Lee about to take typing test so she can become … We sold 45 wpm. She says, “I don’t know.” We say, “Can you write?” It’s at Bob Reed’s apartment at 3262 Market Street.

February 2, 2024:  3.3 earthquake about 1:30 p.m. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Mark there. Go to library. Read more from Search. As I leave, homeless guy from January 4 says I left something. I step closer to hear what he said. He says, “You don’t have to come close to me.” I say, “I’m not close to you.” He says, “You’ve been close to me every night.” This upsets me even though I know he’s not all there mentally. I feel attacked. It’s raining outside. Go to bahn mi shop. Take #35 to Castro. Beautiful clear Friday night in the Castro. I take some photos. Take K home. Go to W.F. See pretty, friendly cheese lady. Makes me happy. Check out with Allen. In p.m. realize homeless guy upsets me ’cause he represents the homeless, friendless self within me.

February 2 dream:  Write one new sentence. Go to fancy resto with two colleagues. Waiter disappears and then returns.

February 2 dream:  Bull in middle of bullring laying on ground dying.

February 2 dream:  Boats sailing over water. Woman racing her bike over the same water. Then she trips and falls in face first. I try to go after her. I keep getting closer but I know I need to get wet to reach her.

February 2 dream:  Woman advising actress to go into producing (since that’s where the money is.)

February 1, 2024:  Do bills, monthly BB. In ’til 3:30ish. #29 and J to G.P. See rainbow on way. Lee at G.P. Market. I bring up the opera we are supposed to both attend in June. I mention Verdi. He mentions Puccini. He checks out my butt as I exit in my tight red pants. Go to C.B. Josie there again. I say, “You’ve been here a lot this week.” She says, “Just one extra day this week.” Go to library. Read more from Search. Check in DVD with Librarian No. 2. See he has ring on his finger. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. It starts raining again. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to Poke Bowel. Woman says they stay open ’til 9:30 p.m. and that last night they had to close early due to flooding. She said she remembered me banging on the door. Go to W.F. Look for Allen. Woman smiles at me. In p.m. think of applying for apartment at 1010 Potrero. Spill cup of tea on my couch.

February 1 dream:  I’m sleeping on blue mat which I think of as clean, but it could use a cleaning. One of the other guys in our “family” comes up and shows the leader something. The leader takes a look at my mat, presumably to have it cleaned.

February 1 dream:  Good-looking guy kisses me.

January 31, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Realize I’ve lost my glasses. Eventually get around to Translating that. Realize that Truth is the only possessor. Take old pair of glasses with me. #29 and J to G.P. Beautiful guy on #29 as I exit. Josie at C.B. I ask her if my glasses are in the lost and found. I feel like a child asking for help from my mother. Very dominant woman sits across from me. Go to library. Start In Search of the Miraculous by Ouspensky. It’s good. Tell Librarian No. 2 that I like his T-shirt. (*Relates to shits from hier?) It’s raining outside so I take #52 to Portola Drive and walk down O’Shaughnessy to place where I took shits hier. My glasses in their case were laying on the ground. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. See Javier at sandwich station. Check out with Allen at automatic checkout station. Flash my butt at him, unconsciously. Later, email Dr. Liam and tell him I’m going to stop acupuncture treatment with him. (*Relates to dream of January 29, I think) Translate in p.m. Sense testimony:  Items of value can be lost or misplaced. Conclusion: Truth is the only Possessor, the only Possession. Sidetrack “Lourdes” in dictionary.

January 31 dream:  Get in fight with cat.

January 31 dream:  Bunny rabbits take down a huge moose. Woman I know is feeding bunnies potato chips. I say, “Do you think that’s wise?” I think, “Well, at least I’m doing a public Translation once a week.”

January 30, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Spam call from “Consumer Finance Protection Bureau.” They say somebody in Texas spent $420 on my credit card. I say, “Which one?” They say, “On your Visa or MasterCard.” They want my zip code. I give it to them. They want my birthdate. I don’t give it to them. I tell them, “I think you’re lying to me and that you just want to extract information from me.” They hung up. K to Balboa Station. Find big, beautiful blue and white umbrella leaning up against the wall. I take it. Then I put it back. Take J to C.B. Mark there. Go to library. Finish Wisdom. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Police tapes torn down but still tied to steps. Feel increasingly “shitty.” Look for place to take shits. Finally decide on abandoned lot near SOTA. Take shits. Pee. Wipe my ass with newspaper. As I leave, hear stone thrown in front of me. I don’t look around. (*Relates to “Get out of here” from hier?) Walk up to Portola. At Portola, guy driving by yells, “I just had an accident!” Later I figure out they were talking about me “having an accident.” So they probably saw me. And were they they ones who threw the rock maybe to get me to turn around? Maybe they even videotaped me. (*Relates to first dream of January 29?) #52 to F.H. K home. Compliment guy with “Eel” T-shirt. Go home. Shower. Go to W.F. Talk with guy buying cookies. Talk with guy buying potatoes. He tells me they’re organic. So I take one. Drop it and check out.

January 30 dream:  Have to put the questions on paper.

January 29, 2024:  In ’til 2ish. Take K to Castro. Stand in line at Walgreens to connect with handsome Middle Eastern guy I met on Friday. His name is Hamzah. I ask him, “Does that mean anything?” He says, “Lion.” I say, “That’s a great meaning.” He smiles. Did I mention how handsome he is? #24 to Noe Valley for acupuncture appointment. Then take #35 to G.P. Josie at C.B. I learn her family is German and they used to spend summers in Germany. Go to library. Read more from Wisdom. Guy in stacks comes on to me briefly. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Place where I usually pee, if I have to, is taped off by police(?) Hier I let it pass. Today I decided to untie at least one tape. Guy from steps below yells, “Put that back!” I say, “Who are you?” He says, “Get out of here.” So I do. Get down on myself for not standing up to him. Continue my walk up O’Shaughnessy to #52 to F.H. K home. Three young friends get on. They’re very happy. Very sure of themselves. One looks at me directly, smiling with his eyes, as he talks to his friends. At home, feel better about my intersection with policeman. Feel he really was a policeman and that he was doing some sort of undercover work or at least legitimate work of some sort. (*Relates to coyote I heard on January 27?) Later, I decide to drop acupuncture treatment with Dr. Liam.

January 29 dream:  Walk out to friends. See huge Matson ship in port. I want to take a photo of it. Suddenly it gets dark. There’s a security guard with his dog and his car. I think I need to tell my boss tomorrow that I’m quitting. I’m on my back crawling away from security guard. (*Relates to telling Liam I want to quit acupuncture and to guys seeing me take shits on January 30, I think.)

January 29 dream:  Black boy trying to seduce me to be his friend.

January 28, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K takes its sweet time to Balboa Station. I miss my connection to J. Take 2nd J to G.P. Go to C.B. Valentina there. Go to library briefly. Then see #35 so I take it to Castro. Guy gets on who looks a little like John. I sit next to him in back seat and check him out several times. Finally, as he is about to get off, I say, “I like your tattoos.” He smiles like John and says, “Yeah. Sometimes I’m indifferent to them.” Go to Castro. Walk past 440 Club. Walk up Corbett to Portola to M.S. Latino butcher smiles at me as I head to restroom. See Allen. Compliment him on his haircut. Check out with Ed. Still feel he disapproves of me somehow. #44 to F.H. K home. Two cute gay guys get on. Also young guy. I follow young guy into W.F. But before I do, I check out the 49ers score online. They won 34-31. When I catch up with young man in W.F., he’s checking his phone. So I say, “Looks like the 9ers won.” He says, “Yeah.” We talk briefly about the game. I joke, “See you at the Superbowl!” Watch rerun of 49ers game highlights. Cry almost uncontrollably as their victory is assured.

January 28 dream:  Was given all of the High Watch Translation Requests to work on. Had to wake up some people to get the info. (h.o.)

January 27, 2024:  Jerk off in a.m. Get anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Go to library. Beautiful Asian man with his two kids. Read more from Wisdom. It’s about falling in love, among other things. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Hear coyotes briefly. #33 to F.H. K home. Go to Poke Bowl. Cute guy (not Douglas) there.

January 27 dream:  Doing prison time. It’s not too bad. It’s mostly just getting through each day.

January 27 dream:  Making payments to Discoverer for books or for data. Susan says I had free data set-up.

January 26, 2024:  In ’til 12:30ish. Have to take shits just as I’m ready to leave. Take K. Exit at Castro with guy named Anton. He tells me he’s going to Strut to get his Prep. Buy Chron from beautiful man named Marwah (I think). Run into Anton again. Take his photo (and later send it to him). #35 to acupuncture appointment. First part of session: Dancing wildly at Wildwood Retreat. 2nd part of session: Instead of always trying to get away from my father, this time, in my imagination, I had the police take my father away from me. #35 to G.P. Josie at C.B. Run into Robin outside. We used to hang out together with some group neither of us could remember. She is very excited about the red state governors supporting Texas governor in his battle with Biden over the border. She asked if I wanted more information. I declined. Go to library. Finish Score. Start The Wisdom of Love by Jacob Needleman. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Bus to F.H. K home. Go go W.F. Check out with Dylan. He tells me his beef stroganoff recipe. I tell him, “You should invite me over for dinner some time.” He laughs. Later go back to W.F. for some pita. Check out with Dylan again. He smiles.

January 26 dream:  Waiting to become permanent resident of city where I live.

January 26 dream:  Several of us from corporate job go out to lunch together. Many are skateboarders.

January 25, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Take K to W.P to meet with Bruce at Peet’s. Go to Eezy-Freezy to buy Chron. Cute, dimpled student at checkout counter. He has on T-shirt saying “San Francisco 1850”. I say, “Is that when San Francisco started?” He says he doesn’t know. I say, “That’s something you can ask your history teacher.” He smiles. Bruce not at Peet’s. Realize reason I came to W.P. was not to meet Bruce, but to meet my friend at Eezy-Freezy. Take train to Castro. Run onto same friendly black woman Muni officer who checked my pass on the K train. We talk briefly. Take #35 to G.P. Sit across from young man and his even younger brother. Little bro keeps looking at me. Finally it cracks me up, so I get off at Diamond Street. They follow me. Little bro seems to be leading his older brother around. Go to C.B. Mark there. Go to library. Read more from Score. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. Check out with Ed. I think, though he’s very friendly to me, that he disapproves of me. I guess it’s because I’m gay. Or he thinks I am. So that releases me. #44 to F.H. K home. Black woman Muni worker smiles at me. Makes me feel like a child.

January 25 dream:  I hear somebody clear their throat. I tense up.

January 25 dream:  Cockroach/spiders at military fort at least as far back as World War Ii though we weren’t told about it. They’re still here.

January 24, 2024:  In ’til noonish. #29 and #38 to VA. Cute guy sitting in front of me shows off his Tommy Hilfiger underpants. Cute guy couple on #29. I rush to check out the blond one. He smiles at me. Cute guy at ETN reception. My ears are clean, doc says. Walk to Balboa Street. Go to hardware store to see how to make my flashlight a little less bright. #31 and #44 to G.P. Justin, son of the owners (Josh and his wife Jane) at C.B. He’s very cute and very sweet. Go to library. Read more from Score. Take shits at library. Get banh mi sandwich. Board #23 home. As I board, I check out guy sitting in back row. He looks directly back at me. He has a beautiful face and when he gets off a few blocks later, he shows me his low-rise pants and his colorful underwear. Gets me excited. Translate in p..m.  Sense testimony: Some people enjoy being cruel. Conclusion: Truth is pre-digested Energy/Matter that is full of joy (not full of shit) that never hurts, but always heals.

January 24 dream:  Woman wants me to help her spread spiritual truth. I tell her I will.

January 24 dream:  It’s Christmas Eve. I’m trying to find the remote. Some toddlers playing in room next to me. I see them through the all-glass wall between our apartments. Friendly dog comes through door between apartments. Something big just happened before.

January 24 dream:  Some kind of event coming up. Boys on top of garage showing off their bodies. View of moon (or sun) reflecting in the ocean.

January 24 dream:  Knowing I’m going to be fired from the family. Nancy and Laurie are polishing furniture. I’m no longer even trying to belong.

January 23, 2024:  Anonymous call. I say, “Boyfriend? Husband?” Person hangs up. (*Relates to shits hier at VA?) In’ til 1ish. #43 to Chestnut Street Gap store. Get small size pants. Go to Peet’s on Chestnut. Cute baristo there. Run into Bruce. Tell him I’ll see him Thursday at Peet’s W.P. Walk up Steiner Street to Divisadero. #44 to Noe Valley. Lots of kids get on board. One says, “It’s a bird. It’s a plane.” Other say, “It’s an egg salad sandwich.” Walk from Noe Valley to G.P. Go to library. Read more from Score. Talk with Librarian No. 2. Go to banh mi place. Catch #23. Meet guy from Croatia who has lower back pain. He talks about swimming in the ocean to help. #43 home. Go to W.F. Tall bakery guy smiles at me behind window. Talk with Virginia. Check out with Cole.

January 23 dream:  I help blind guy play a game.

January 23 dream:  Master trying to kill his retarded, misshapen servant with a baseball bat. She fights back with oven burner grates and kills him.

January 23 dream:  Order tuna salad sandwich.

January 22, 2024:  Tough nite last nite. Insight: Realize I lived vicariously through stepsister Nancy. I wasn’t allowed to be sexual because that might bring up what happened between me and my father. In ’til 11:30ish. Take #43 and #38 to VA. Have shoe appointment with Dr. Hewitson. Shits at VA. Go to La Promenade Cafe. Talk to cute guy about his Apple Air laptop. Buy new flashlight from nice guy at hardware store. Walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Go to Asian bakery. New bakery guy there. He’s younger and gayer than my Asian bakery friend. Go to Sunset Branch Library. See Endgame book. Read more from Score. Author uses the term “flashback” which perfectly describes the experience I had in the Castro Muni Station on August 13, 2023. Makes me feel empowered to make this linguistic connection. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Allen.

January 22 dream:  Am invited to extended family gathering. Almost cry at one point. (h.o.)

January 21, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Talk with Librarian No. 1. Read more from Score. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Go to M.S. Check out with Ian and Ed. #36 to F.H. Skateboarder on #35 gives me his seat though there were lots of empty seats around. K home. Walter L. joins me on K and exits with me at Lee. Go to W.F. Tall bakery guy smiles at me. Drop flashlight and it no longer works. Makes me mad.

January 20, 2024:  In ’til 2:30ish. #49 to Chestnut and Van Ness. Walk to camera shop. Get great help even though I didn’t buy anything (this time). Find out I bought my current camera there in 2018. Go to Starbucks. Cute barista smiles at me. Go to Marina library. Read more form Score. Walk Lombard to catch bus home. Young guy in group of three yells at me: “OH, MY GOD!” like he had just seen someone famous. (*Relates to first dream of January 15, I think.) #28 to Stonestown. Go to Trader Joe’s. Cute skateboarder from #28 follows me in. Checkout girl smiles at me. Take #57 to W.P. Very loud homeless bully yells at his girlfriend: “LET’S GO!!!” She complies. Fat woman on board says, “I’m glad I’m still single.” As I exit, I smile at couple who look sort of shocked. Walk home from W.P. Go to Poke Bowl. Douglas not there. Other cute young man in his place. Listen to Mikael D. Lyman YouTube. He listens to people and gives them suggestions on how to allow healing to take place in their lives. I think, “I don’t want your help. I want to do it myself.” Later, accidentally open wedding dress website.

January 20 dream:  Judge invites me to stay the night at his home at the end of a pier in a lake (or the ocean). We both have to be in court tomorrow. His place is a carpeted, empty room. Someone has put a book on the bed about the judge’s three children, the eldest of whom is very large and strange-looking. I had just met them elsewhere. Young man comes to join me. I can’t tell who he is yet. Lock bathroom door. There is a note saying, “Do not enter.” I look through other door to see a big empty space. Suddenly the whole house turns on its side. I think, “This is not right.” Then wake up.

January 19, 2024:  One ring call from anonymous woman in Berkeley. Got email from Alana Fennie asking to have her image removed from AI video Steve Hines made from The Prosperos website. In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Rainy day. Josie at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Soul. It’s getting really good. Still raining. Go to new banh mi place. #44 to F.H. F.H. is closed with fire trucks out front. #43 home. Go to W.F. Check out at automated area with Allen’s help. Try to fix camera. Steve Hines calls. 30 minutes on how terrible The Prosperos is. 30 minutes on how wonderful Trump is. Finally, I say, “Well, I can’t heal all the world’s problems tonight.” (*Relates to “It’s their war. It’s their wars.” from acupuncture session on January 15?)

January 19 dream:  Jonathan Flynn gets lead role in new movie with cute young black guy co-star.

January 19 dream:  At Swedish dinner, not much to choose from except corn and bread.

January 18, 2024:  Two anonymous hang-up calls in a.m. #29 and J to G.P. Strange guy gets on J with me and gets off at G.P with me. He doesn’t walk up the stairs to G.P. He seems to disappear into the freeway. Re-modeled banh mi place stays open ’til 7 p.m. Makes me happy. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Score. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. See Ian. Check out with Ed. I joke about getting a haircut from him if my regular guy moves out of town. He says, “I’ll have you sign a waiver.” #44 to F.H. Decide to text anonymous call from this a.m. I say: “You know, John, I think you are getting a little old for me. You’ll be 65 in a few months and I’m just not interested any more. Don’t mean to offend, but you are just not my type any more.” Get message that it was sent. Later get error code to send it again. K home. Go to W.F. Nice, pretty young woman at cheese department. She recommends brie: “It tastes like butter.” I buy it. Check out with nice older lady. Go to Poke Bowl. Flirt with Douglas. I joke about ordering the eel when I work up my nerve. I think he wants me to ask him out. Shits in p.m.

January 18 dream:  Celebrity’s 50th birthday on 50 yard line. (h.o.)

January 18 dream:  Chopping salad. I have to admit that I’m a virgin pretty much with women.

January 17, 2024:  Steve Hines calls in a.m. Long talk. In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Josie at C.B. Go to library. Finish Soul. Start The Body Keeps Score. Talk with Librarian No. 2 who is working on public jigsaw puzzle. Homeless guy acting up. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to #44 to F.H. Black guy dancing on opposite platform. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Allen, who’s very nice to me. He’s immediately replaced by Cole. On leaving, flirt with cute meat department guy I had talked with before. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Out of ignorance or fear, some people give their power or their money away. Conclusion: Being immortal and all-knowing, Truth is perpetually at peace and at home with unlimited power and unlimited money. See “Cree” and “bob” in dictionary in p.m.

January 17 dream:  See prince in black satin shirt. He had just abdicated. I say hello. He asks me to write something on his shoulder. “Write your phone number,” he says. I can barely remember it. I think I put down (818) 563-0349. Walking up hill, see horses lying on the ground. They look dead. One horse comes running up to me. I hold up my hands. Horse stops. I pick up walking stick. I run into zombie-like half-burned people. Zombie girl is very nice., She says, “I’m going to eat you.”

January 17 dream:  (Continuation of previous dream) Horse guides me to key.

January 17 dream:  Hear “Share all the facts” at Forest Hill Muni station.

January 17 dream:  Dancing in room filled with other dancers.

January 17 dream:  Woman undressing in apartment across the way leaves her light on so I can see her. I try to turn my lights off so she can’s see me.

January 16, 2024:  Wake up early. Realize: Giving away my money Is giving away my power When have I done that before? In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Soul. Compliment Librarian No. 2 on his voice. He says he had a cold. It’s rainy outside so I take #44 to F.H. K home. Severe but good-looking guy sits across from me. I stand up and get ready to exit. Feel sudden urge to take my pants down. Later realize it’s because of handsome, severe guy. He gets off at same spot as me. He stands at Muni stop without umbrella or jacket. He may have been a tulpa like the black guy from August 13. (*Relates to “Expect me when you least expect me” from hier?) Go to W.F. Check out with woman who smiles at me knowingly. I’m still kind of shaken. Cole at next checkout stand.

January 16 dream:  Me daring to be the sexual object of the party. Woman I’m dancing with is “suckling,” she says. Looks like her breasts are bleeding. (h.o.)

January 16 dream:  Take Muni bus up sheer wall and get stuck.

January 15, 2024:  Anonymous call at about 8 a.m. In ’til 3ish. K and #35 to Noe Valley. Sweet black girl security guard at Walgreens smiles at me with her eyes at 24th and Castro. Acupuncture appointment with Liam at 4:30. Voice says: “It’s their war. It’s their wars.” At one point feel presence in room. I think it’s Liam but there’s no one there. #24 and K to Peet’s W.P. Kai and Valentine there. Talk with both. Kai will put his 5 minute video on Vimeo. Walk home via Ocean Avenue. Stop by Poke Bowl. Ask cute worker there what is Unagi? He says it’s eel. I say, “I’m not that daring.” He says, “Maybe some other time.” Go to W.F. Check out with Cole at automated checkout. I get stuck. He comes up and helps me. I say, “It’s good you’re here.” See Allen as I exit. Looks like he just got a haircut. I say, “Nice haircut.” He ignores me. Listen to MLK speeches and Nina Simone in p.m. Hear “Expect me when you least expect me” on Monk on DVD.

January 15 dream:  Trying to find comfortable place to sleep on board ship. I’m wearing officer’s cap with bill to protect myself from the light. Turns out I’m sitting in a chair. Some people recognize me. I look at the floor.

January 15 dream:  Trying to change graphic with Tom’s (my brother) photo in it.

January 15 dream:  Vacant studio apartment in Venice. One guy ahead of me.

January 14, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K bus to Balboa Station. Cute tourist guy smiles at me. J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Read more from Soul. Walk to and thru G.C.P. See Janet, the Coyote Lady, I think. Go to M.S. Check out with Sir Allen and talk with Ed. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. See Javier. We smile at each other. Eat about 20 chocolate mints I had saved in my freezer. Have a real hunger for them. Realize that my hunger is not really for the mints, but for my ability to make my own decisions, to have authority over my own life, without regard to how my father might think or feel.(*This may relate to Thane telling Karen Dahlquist once: “That’s right Karen, force him to make a decision.”) As I realize this, I’m entering the 3rd dream from December 16 into my online diary: “Pelvic pain will be healed by December 17.”

January 14 dream:  Take shit in hand. Try to dispose of it before my sister gets home. I can’t find a place so I give it to my sister.

January 14 dream:  My father kind of walks me around the perimeter of our home. We pass building which is totally empty and unused. Was planned as a “game room.”

January 14 dream:  Something about choosing non-cooperation.

January 13, 2024:  In’ til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Rainy day. Valentina at C.B. She says that Ouspensky in In Search of the Miraculous says that a teacher needs to have students or he/she can’t advance. Go to library. Noisy event there. Read more Soul. Walk out. It’s still raining, but I have to pee so I walk up Bosworth to my pee place. Then I don’t have to pee. Catch #44 at Elk Street. Run into Valentina on board so we sit together to F.H. There, she says, she has to wait for her partner to pick her up. Take K home. Finally figure out how to cancel my Thom Hartmann membership. Write him a not critiquing his “stubborn support for Biden.” I’m sure he must be a Taurus (like me). I look it up and his birthday is May 7, 1951. Mine is May 7, 1946.

January 13 dream:  Trying to write about three different groups of gay men. It’s very sad. (h.o.)

January 13 dream:  At temporary job in Mexican resto, Go to the bathroom. The toilet doesn’t work and I can’t climb out of the bathroom. Finally one wall comes down and I just walk out. I’m almost late for lunch date I have with my father. He says, “What’s it like in there three times a day?” I guess he’s referring to meal times. His hair is cut short and was sort of standing straight up.

January 12, 2024:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Josie at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Soul. Very excited by history of Frederick Douglass. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. See mouse rush into bushes? #52 to F.H. K home. See that somebody claiming to be from Australia has viewed my online diary. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Try to figure how to cancel Thom Hartmann Program for his blind cheerleading of President Biden.

January 12 dream:  Hover between being a writer(?) and a rock star. We joke, “You can’t be both.”

January 12 dream:  Run into George R. Reed at BART station. It’s great to see him again. (*Relates to getting email from Laksh on January 13, I think.)

January 11, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. Run into Patrick (from Bernie campaign) on Ocean Avenue. We walk together to Balboa Station. And take BART together. I get off at G.P. it was great to see him again. Felt “shitty” with him for a while. Mark at C.B. Panic and think somebody stole my camera. Then Translate. Then realize I may have left it at home (which I did). Go to library. Check in DVDs with Librarian No. 1. He’s very nice to me. Shits at library. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. I stop for really beautiful guy in the dairy section. He smiles. Rude woman makes me go out of my way to walk around her (for second time). Really sweet bus driver on #44 to F.H. K home. Woman dancing to her ear buds. Feels like she’s demanding my attention, much like rude woman at M.S.

January 11 dream:  My radio won’t work until I get all new connecting parts and put them in.

January 11 dream:  Two guy friends buy same red car at same time. One says, “Why can’t every relationship be like this one?” I say, “’Cause you’re not dating this one.” Then quickly add, “Or are you? I’m sorry.” Guy gives me thumbs up.

January 10, 2024:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Mark there. Go to library. Read more from Soul. Cute guy pauses in the stacks just long enough to get my attention. Smile at Librarian No. 2 as I exit. Rainy day so I take #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Get sandwich from Javier. See Virginia as well. Javier asks my name. I do a little swivel of my hips as I walk away. Start to blame myself for not being in control of my hips. Then realize that I did a good thing by flattering Javier. Translate in p.m. ST: The metamorphosis from genetics to epigenetics can be painful. Conclusion: The effect of Truth is painless, guiltless, and paid in full

January 9, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Mark there. I get stuck in line with my butt adjacent to cute guy’s face. That was fun. I was wearing my red pants. Go to library. Read more from Soul. Smile at Librarian No. 2. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to Muni stop at Woodside Avenue. Strange, friendly, smelly guy standing there with cane. He waves at me. I say “Hi.” #44 to F.H. K home. Feel urge to go to back of train. Connect with older gay guy who smiles at me knowingly with his eyes. (*Relates to strange guy at Woodside Avenue Muni stop, I think.)

January 9 dream:  Promoting new Hugh Grant TV show with admiring slow shots of his rear end. (h.o.)

January 9 dream:  Salesman sits on me to show me how he would watch three TVs with three different football games. (*I’m laying on my back and he sits on my genitals. Relates to my father sitting on me back in ’55 or ’56?)

January 8, 2024:  In ’til 2ish. K and #35 to Noe Valley acupuncture appointment. Tell Dr. Liam about “He healed me” from last session on January 3. While hooked up to electrodes, my lower right body flutters. I had to calm it down with my hand. Later see that I got anonymous call during my session. #35 to G.P. Mark at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Soul. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to #44 to F.H. K home. As I entered, dismiss “older” guy in suit who seems interested in me. Later he exits near me and piques my interest. Go to W.F. Check out with Sir Allen.

January 8 dream:  About to get publicly thanked for my work. Need kundalini cloth for talk I’m going to be giving about that. Get dirty dish towel. Then get clean one.

January 8 dream:  Finally get through to Nancy and Derek by phone.

January 7, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Mark there. He let’s us stay an extra half hour. Go to library. Read more from Soul. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. Run into Ed twice. Check out with Ian. Go to #44 Muni stop on Woodside. Tall guy waiting under shelter. I decide to avoid him. When I get on #44, he’s gone. Go to F.H. Black guy on passing M gives me condescending look. Made me feel stupid. I’m doing crossword puzzle at the time. (*Relates to tall guy at Woodside Muni stop? Also, relates to coyotes from hier? Also relates to Translation of intelligence from January 3?)

Janaury 7 dream:  Cuba is winning. See Ruth Backlund in bright orange dress. I say, “You look nice.” She says, “You do, too.” I’m wearing an unbuttoned orange shirt over a white undershirt.

January 6, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. As I exit J at G.P., beautiful young man boarding. We smiles at each other and make some sort of deep connection. Go to C.B. Valentina there. She asks me my New Year’s resolution. I say, “To finish book I’m writing.” Later she asks me if I’ve ever heard of Gurdjieff. I say I have. She tells me she’s reading In Search of the Miraculous and she invites me to her book group. She asks me to text her so she can text me back with details. Later from the library, I text her that my name is not John. It’s Mike. And I also tell her that I’ve reserved the book but would like to read some of it before committing to attending a book group. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to #44 to F.H. Black guy and his friend talk about “Money Mike” as I board elevator down. I ask guy with me if his name’s Mike. “No, It’s just a term they use when they talk about making money,” he says. K home.

January 6 dream:  Supervising a few women at law office. Some flirt with me. (h.o.)

January 6 dream:  Doctor fixes my left ear canal. Said there was some kind of bacteria in there.

January 6 dream:  Visit Leigh’s home. Liz and Jack are remodeling it. Jack says, “Why don’t you stop by and visit?” I say, “I am.” He says, “You had to think twice about it.” I say, “I usually do.” The house is almost entirely replaced with lots of wooden walls and floors.

January 6 dream:  Big “hippie” meeting appears to be breaking up. Some of the hardcore group are walking out.

January 5, 2024:  Wake up to fire alarm at 10:30ish. In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Josie there. Go to library. Start The American Soul by Jacob Needleman. Say hi to Librarian No. 2. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. See homeless guy from hier. He doesn’t see me. #44 to F.H. Follow cute young guy from #44 to bench at F.H. I approach him to sit next to him. He smiles at me. I smile back. He’s really young. K home.

January 5 dream:  Thinking about the world’s largest banks.

January 5 dream:  About to see … white guy talking with black guy. Black guy says, “It says we’re going to have to deal with anthropomorphic shit for about 11 years.” I say, “I can last that long, I think.”

January 5 dream:  Sing “Jump!” with two lady singers.

January 5 dream:  Climb out window ’cause I forgot my keys. Friend says, “Zonta, come on. It’s payback time.” I say, “That’s what I’m doing. I’m paying back to get my keys.”

January 4, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #49 to S.J. Avenue. No J so I walk for several blocks. Pass guy looking at his phone in first block. Then J train passes me. Then pass same guy in next block. Walk to G.P. Valentina at C.B. Smell “old man smell” though no old men around. Go to library. Finish What Happened. As I leave, handsome young guy smiles at me. I follow him out of the library but can’t find him. Go back to library to take piss. Let my pants down a bit at urinal. Ask myself why I’m hesitant to do that. Realize I’m afraid people will think I’m asking for it. Homeless guy who hangs out at library yells: “Faggot! Child Abuser!” I walk up O’Shaughnessy. Go to M.S. I notice both Ian and Angel at adjacent checkout stand too late. I check out with Derek. #44 to F.H. K home.

January 4 dream:  Somebody is going to strip me and give me a whole new set of clothes.

January 4 dream:  Walk outside to take a pee. Something good is coming. (h.o.)

January 4 dream:  I ate too much food, but I take a large piece of lemon pie which Sara Walker gives me. John has just left the room. I think we’ll meet up later.

January 4 dream:  John wearing baby blue sweatshirt with “John Harrison” printed on it.

January 3, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. K and #29 to Noe Valley. Cute young guy who I connected with at West Portal Station gets off at Castro. I follow him down Castro to 18th Street. #24 to Noe Valley acupuncture appointment. I start late and am asked to leave abruptly by Liam. During session, someone in my dream state says, “He fixed it” and cartoon-like cat comes out of body-shaped suitcase. #35 to G.P. Go to library. Read more form What Happened. Shits at library. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Go to M.S. See “Sir Allen” and Angel but don’t speak to either. Go to burrito place for cheese enchiladas. They’re terrible. Undercooked and partially cold. #43 to F.H. K home. Good-looking guy on K gives me dirty look so I sat two seats behind him. We get off at same stop. He stands around for a while. I realize he was probably waiting for me. So I head back and look for him but can’t find him.

January 3 dream:  Playing with bottom of window blinds.

January 2, 2024:  Read December 3 diary entry which indicated that I might be going through a metamorphosis. Rough nite last nite trying to sleep. Up at 9:30 a.m. to shit, shower and shave before they turned the water off at 10 a.m. In ’til 1ish. #29 and #38 to VA. Sit next to cute guy on #29. We both get off at Geary Blvd. I check him out. I think he is flattered. Get anonymous call at VA. (*Relates to rough nite last nite, I think) Get my toe nails clipped by nurse I really like. She asks me if I am watching any series. I’m ashamed to tell her I’m watching Monk. Walk to La Promenade Cafe. Then take #31 and #44 to G.P. Go to library. Read more from What Happened. #23 and walk home.

January 2 dream:  Many of us sitting at various places coming up with ideas for AIDS presentation.

January 2 dream:  Thane waves at me. I wave back. Then he falls. I rush to help. He gets up. Exercise lady says I should increase the weight I’m lifting. I start to pay for it. Thane still around somewhere.

January 2 dream:  Globe kind of disappears.

January 1, 2024:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Read from What Happened. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to #52 to F.H. Check out guy getting off other bus. He turns around and pulls down his shirt in back. Makes me laugh and turns me on. K becomes M. Get off at SF State. #29 home. Lots of cute skateboarders, all very unavailable. Go to W.F. Cute Asian guy near packaged kale. I noticed both at the same time. Check out with Allen. He seems talkative, for him.

January 1 dream:  Have to vote among five candidates. (h.o.)

January 1 dream:  One of my boys dressed as a woman. (h.o.)

January 1 dream:  Guy climbing down steep ladder.

January 1 dream:  Dangerous guy saying to me, “You sure are cute.”

January 1 dream:  Dream of four or so butterflies near the ground.

December 31, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. Two guys come in. One checks me out. Later they sit in front of me. I try to get the cute one’s attention. But only do so indirectly. Go to library. Read from What Happened. As I leave, beautiful Asian runner I almost follow up Diamond. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Thank cute butcher for the salmon I bought on Friday. Checked out with happy, cute new worker there. Go to Beep’s. Stand in line for about half an hour. Am rewarded by smiling young man who gave me my fish sandwich. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Insight: My pain is a way to punish myself for coming from God, for tinking myself special?)

December 31 dream:  After Prosperos class, try to find party. Am in car heading there. Marianne is running to try to catch up with us. I think, “Wouldn’t it be lovely to just settle down with her?” Several people go to building where party appears to be. But turns out it’s just somebody’s mother’s place. Al H’s condo nearby.

December 30, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Go to Java Hut. Nice barista there. See my shirtless Asian friend on Ocean as I return. Ricardo and Ken come over about 5:30. Stay ’til 8:30 or so. Dinner went well. Potatoes could have been cooked more. Salmon was great. Towards the end of dinner, wished that John was here. Shits immediately after they leave. Break fancy wine glass while washing dishes.

December 30 dream:  Woman trying to call can’t get thru to place number.

December 30 dream:  Go to little town outside S.F. Swedish village. Mom tells her son, “You’ll make all sorts of friends here.” I go to resto. Want to sit outside. Woman says, “Oh, no, you can’t do that.” See Swedish masseur. Think that I’d like him to work on me.

December 29, 2023:  Buy salmon from W.F. in a.m. Break vase Ricardo gave me while changing futon cover. In ’til 3ish. Rainy day. #29 and J to C.B. Go to C.B. Mark there. Again. Go to library. Read more from What Happened. Still raining. #44 to M.S. See Angel. He’s standoffish. Check out with Ed. #52 to F.H. K home.

December 29 dream:  Pick up woman’s dress made for me, whose name is Ron, but I’m dressed as a woman. They figured this out at the dress shop and wouldn’t give me the dress I had ordered.

December 28, 2023:  Lots of side pain early a.m. Translate “pain.” Realize pain is not only a form of communication but it is a lie. Ontologically, Truth being all that is, right is all that is, therefore wrong is not. And since pain is communication of something wrong, it is a lie. Get up around noon. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Homeless black guy tries to rob Glen Park Market while I’m waiting in line. He doesn’t succeed. Go to C.B. Mark there. I wish him a happy new year. He says “Good-bye.” Pauses and then says, “Happy New Year.” Go to library. Read more from What Happened? Feel that everybody wants to fuck me. Or, more precisely, that that’s the only value I have. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. #44 to F.H. K home. Realize that feeling that my only value is my fuckability is the reason why I am so loving to the many other fuckable men in my life. So my father inadvertently helped me find my life purpose. Go to W.F. Check out with Allen. Then beautiful Asian guy on elevator with his big empty cart. He says he uses it for recycling. As I walk home behind him, I joke, “I’ll let you know when I have some recycling to do.” He laughs.

December 28 dream:  Sitting around resto with sort of laptop. I press wrong button. Guy speaking asks someone to turn my reader(?) off. I say, “Sorry.”

December 27, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Monterey Boulevard Safeway in drizzle. Buy three potatoes. Meat guy asks me about my camera. Walk past Jun’s salon. Woman cutting hair. His wife? Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Valentina there. As I exit, older woman accidentally bumps into me and says, self-deprecatingly, “I didn’t even see you or hear you.” I joke, “Maybe I wasn’t there.” She smiles. Go to library. Finish Awakening. Start Watt Happened to You? by Oprah and co-author. It’s the next book I need to read. See Librarian No. 1. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Guy in camo shirt follows me. Then passes me. Then checks his phone and starts following me again. Then he passes me again. I cross street at Del Vale Avenue. Go to M.S. Talk with Angel again. Check out with “Sir Allen.” Our fingers touch as I leave. #44 to F.H. As I exit at F.H., ask guy about book he is reading. It’s Custer Died for Your Sins. I say, “It sounds funny.” He smiles broadly and says, “Yes, it is.” K home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Some people think I’m weird and sometimes so do I. Conclusion: There’s nothing strange about being all-knowing, unbiased and objective. It’s the only norm, the only usual, the only destiny. To think otherwise would be a mockery.

December 27 dream:  Guy I like a lot is seeing someone else. Later I call John and leave a message.

December 26, 2023:  In ’til 3sh. #49 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. He gives me free drink. Go to library. Read more from Awakening. Go to Canyon Market. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. #44 stops (between stops) to see if I want to get on. I don’t. Go to M.S. Ask Angel where the strawberries are. He looks more alive than at any time since i’ve met him. #43 home.

December 26 dream:  Food with lots of fish bones sticking out of it.

December 26 dream:  Getting ready for lunch at 3 p.m. after having breakfast just a few hours before.

December 26 dream:  Arguing with my father at the dinner table.

December 26 dream:  General MacArthur gives Communist Manifesto and other books to me and other guy so we would get our fingerprints on them. Later, he orders …

December 26 dream:  Nancy and my beds taken away. Then our bathtubs. So we swim in warm, slightly brown pool with friendly fishes who kiss us.

December 25, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up to M.S. “Sir Allen” there. Try out my new tap credit card. It works! #36 to F.H. Feel sudden rush of excitement as I’m exiting #36. Young woman nearby looks excited with me, K home. Not sure what happened, so I blame myself. Later I see that somebody has viewed my online diary and I realize the excitement was about John reconnecting with me.

December 25 dream:  Daniel (from Peet’s), who has an apartment next to me (with no walls between us) is doing a record launch. I wonder about my book.

December 24, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. #43 and J to G.P. Mark at C.B. (not Jordan). Go to library briefly. Walk thru G.C.P. Get call from Jonathan. We talk for about an hour. I take #44 to F.H. Then K home, talking with Jonathan the whole time. Pass new neighbors on walk up stairs as they walk down. We wish each other “Merry Christmas.”

December 24 dream:  Fell to get my Hawaiian bungalow again to fight another war.

December 24 dream:  Waiting in red car for others to show up. Other group’s “jalopy” parked near us.

December 24 dream:  Fill out application. Wait for first guy to finish. He plays … Two cute kids meet.

December 24 dream:  Go to Denver. Meet con artist.

December 24 dream:  I’m supposed to moderate a meeting. John is sitting next to me, though he looks like Bob Krell. Guy tells me to count the horses. He refers to me and John as “you and your husband.” John says, “Maybe.”

December 23, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Discovered big hole in fence which explains young lady hier. Go to G.P. Valentina at C.B. She asks me what I’m doing for Xmas. I say, “I’ll probably be coming here.” See Librarian No. 2 at C.B. Go to library. Read more from Awakening. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Wait for light with cute young man at Elk Street. #44 to F.H. Cute guy in glasses across from F.H. K home. Go go W.F. Check out with Allen. Text Jonathan several times during the day. Hanz emails me. Insight: Think that man standing in my room in December 4 dream was probably Sarah. (Thought it could be John or my father or my own anger.)

December 23 dream:  Everybody is at home. I return home. Some woman chasing me. Little kitten there, too.

December 23 dream:  Writing report of what happened. My part is in red. Someone suggests we attack the boy who did it.

December 22, 2023:  Tough time sleeping last night. Phone turned off but hear it buzzing anyway about 8:30 a.m. Get up an hour or so later and see that it was Jonathan Flynn who called me. So I call him back and leave a message. Then he calls back. We talk four about 15 minutes. He tells me much about what is going on with him since his mother died a few months ago. Fire alarm around 2:30 p.m. In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Girl goes thru fence at G.P. stop. Go to C.B. Josie there. Go to library. Read more from Awakening. Jonathan calls again. We talk as I walk up O’Shaughnessy. He tells me about skinny man who appeared in his bedroom. (*Relates to my dream of December 4 of man appearing in my bedroom?) He jokes about me moving into his 2nd bedroom in Oklahoma. (*Relates to dream of last night?) Go to M.S. Check out with Ed and Ian. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Talk with Allen who’s monitoring the electronic checkout station. Meet upstairs neighbor, I think, who’s a really friendly older man. Fire alarm again at about 2:30 a.m. Same time as yesterday afternoon, as one of my new neighbors pointed out.

December 21, 2023:  in ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Mark there. He tells me he’ll be working on Xmas day which means that Jordan won’t be, as he told me. Go to library. Read more from Awakening. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. Crosswalk fixed. Check out with Ed. He charges me $325.00. I say, “That can’t be right.” He says, “Oh, I charged you for 100 cucumbers.” I say, “I want to be healthy, but not that healthy.” Wait for bus to F.H. Three guys chasing two girls. Guys yelling. Girls screaming. Girls get on #36 with me. Guys take next bus. They all end up at F.H. with me. I feel deep anger roiling inside. My fear is that it will explode. I think it relates to my anger towards my father. They all take M train. I take K home.

December 21 dream:  Owner shows me apartment in Florence. It’s okay. One wall is hanging by a thread. There’s a storm (or there was a storm) outside. Next door is old lady’s room. She’s looking on. (*Relates to Jonathan F. calling me on December 22?)

December 20, 2023:  In ’til 11:30ish. K and BART to Oakland. Arrive early so walk around downtown Oakland for a while. Very friendly older hippie smiles at me. Friendly black guy holds door open for me at 1889 Webster Street. Go to CBB. Add $4,000 to my CD. After, walk up Broadway. Go into apartment building lobby. Get calling card which says “Destiny.” Walk up Broadway to College Avenue. Cute Asian high school student outside Oakland Technical H.S. cruises me back amid all the macho players standing around. Almost slip on banana peel on Broadway. Take College Avenue to Dwight Way. Then Romeo’s Coffee. Very attractive baristo there. I sit at table facing in. As I’m getting ready to leave, baristo playfully leans out of back room to check on things. I smile back. As I leave, I bus my table. He says, “Have a good night” though it’s only about 3:30. Walk down Bancroft to downtown Berkeley. Catch F to S.F. right away. Walk to Union Square to check out Christmas scene. Puppies and kittens in Macy’s windows start tomorrow. F to Castro. Get enchiladas to go. K home.

December 20 dream:  Visit Calvin. He stops by woman friend. I say, “You see Michael Kelly about once a week, right?” He agrees.

December 20 dream:  Mayor Breed dressed in black, says, “Are you guys going to shower after work or go directly there?”

December 19, 2023:  In freak accident(?), cut my chin in a.m. In ’til 11:30ish. #29 and #38 to VA. Fall (or am pushed?) into elevator. Get ears cleaned. Have to return in January. After VA, go to La Promenade. Cute guy at end of long line smiles self-consciously. Line too long for me. Walk thru G.G. Park to 19th Avenue Starbucks. See and hear hawk in G.G. Park. Later see the same or another hawk there as well. Really nice baristo at Starbucks. I dare to order matcha frappe with whipped cream. Guy sitting next to me cruises me. See “Perfect” on passing bus. Walk to 9th Avenue. See and talk with Fred C. at the Beanery. Wait for #43 but take #44 instead so I can be with skateboarder and his cute little dog. I sit next to him and we talk for a few blocks. Go to burrito place at G.P. Beautiful guy behind counter has smile which seems to indicate he knows the effect he is having on me. #36 and #43 home.

December 19 dream:  At big gay party, “grandpa” is there wrestling(?) me. Guy asks me if I know him. I say, “Well, he calls me all the time.” He says, “Well, I know him and you should stay away from him.”

December 19 dream:  Arranging outdoor garden to match pre-written description.

December 18, 2023:  Internet goes down three times in a.m. ‘Cause of storm, I guess. In ’til 3:30ish. K to Castro. #24 to Noe Valley. School kid’s hand touches mine on exiting. It felt intentional. Go to acupuncture appointment. Liam will be gone for two weeks. Go to Noe Valley library. Walk up to Portola Drive and M.S. Cute guy at CVS. Burrito place. Tough Latino ladies who intimidate me. #43 to F.H. K home.

December 17, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Buy Chron at Red Sea Pizza. Jordan at C.B. I invite him to my December 30 dinner. Send him text. Get message that it sent thru. Then get error message. Feel #35 coming. So I take it to Castro. Walk past 440 Club. (*Relates to 3rd dream of December 11?) Decide to clean bathtub instead of walking home. K home. Work up sweat. Try to fix text in p.m. Really get down on myself. And then I catch myself. (*Relates to December 16 dream of healing my pelvic pain on December 17? Also to Toci dream of December 15 about dangerous man in white pants, I think. The dangerous man being me  getting down on myself. I think.)

December 17 dream:  Am late for temp job where Calvin works. Also had another job I was supposed to go to. I didn’t like either job and I’d have to get up pretty early for one of them.

December 17 dream:  Prosperos Assembly is about to start. I think Thane will be there. Two women I sit with move so they can be with other two women in their group.

December 16, 2023:  Jerk off. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Handsome young man on #29 who I check out. He doesn’t respond so I exit. Later I turn around at J stop on San Jose Avenue, and there he is again. Hot guy on J gives me dirty look. Later, as I exit at G.P,, he smiles at me sheepishly. Talk with Lee at G.P. Market. We talk about Puccini and other operas which may be presented in June. Valentina at C.B. As I leave, we are talking about Paris. She holds up her arms as if to embrace me. I don’t embrace her. Go to library. Read more from Great Awakening. Smile at Librarian No. 2. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Allen.

December 16 dream:  Hard-on dream.

December 16 dream:  Doctor sticks fingers in my ears to heal them.

December 16 dream:  Pelvic pain will be healed on December 17.

December 16 dream:  I don’t do so well on a spelling test.

December 16 dream:  Book on cancer. Cancer career finished.

December 15, 2023:  Anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. #29 and walk to G.P. Stop by Red Sea Pizza to buy Chron. Like salesperson there, same as hier. Five or so school boys in black run past me. One greets me, “Good afternoon.” I respond, “Good afternoon.” Josie at C.B. Also young guy sits next to me. I take out my head phones for him. Go to library. Read more from Great Awakening. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Go to M.S. Run into Angel in the restroom. He’s restocking it. Check out with Ed. Woman with tight leather pants and “Happy Birthday” balloon in line I front of me. #52 to F.H. K home. Three young guys sit in seat perpendicular to me even though there were lots of empty seats around. Guy sitting closest to me smiles at me as they all exit on Jules. Follow guy from Lee Avenue to McD’s. Then walk thru W.F. and see my friend Allen. Makes me happy.

December 15 dream:  Go back to get the rest of my stuff for my new place.

December 15 dream:  Two 3-1/2 day weeks coming up, but it doesn’t affect me since I’m an hourly employee

December 15 dream:  Dangerous man in white pants turns corner suddenly as I’m about to enter Toci’s. So I stop in order to let him pass. It’s getting dark outside.

December 14, 2023:  Anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. K to 29 and just miss J so walk to G.P. Buy paper at Red Sea pizza. Go to Glen Park Market and buy paper there as well just to talk with Lee. He says the opera season starts in June. So we’re still on?!? Go to C.B. Mark there. Meet Parker, math/philosophy major at SF State. We talk about Aristotle and Jacob Needleman. Compliment cute guy on his cute dog. Go to library. Start reading America’s Next Great Awakening. Seems like I have read this before maybe. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to #52 to F.H. K home. Insight: Underneath my anger is shame. And then a sense of superiority.

December 14 dream:  Walk by sex emporium. Lots of naked guys tied down and liking it.

December 13, 2023:  Anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Young guy on J smiles at me. Lee at G.P. Market jokes that he’ll take me to opera with his two free tickets. I say, “Yes!” Go to C.B. Barista I don’t like there. Cute male couple comes in and goes out. Go to library. Finish Normal. (*Kissing pool of water from acupuncture session of December 11 relates to reading about Michael Brooks and others in the final chapter, I think.) Take shit at library. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to #52 to F.H. K home. Surrounded by four cute Asian guys. Go to W.F. Check out with Jeff, who is very nice to me.

December 13 dream:  Apparently everyone is checked into the hotel.

December 12, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Mark there. Go to library. Read more from Normal. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Hear coyotes howl. Go to M.S. Take shits there. (*Coyotes howling and shits at M.S. relate to John receiving my Xmas card on December 13, I think. Also last dream of December 12.) Check out with Brian. Go to burrito place. Beautiful, smiling Asian young man standing next to me. #43 to F.H. K home. Online work.

December 12 dream:  Try on several dresses. Finally find a green one that is retro but my size. There’s another green dress as well, but I reckon I only need one.

December 12 dream:  Get deputy badge from big box of baloney. We are in Nogales, Mexico, just over the border. Something to do with Franklin.

December 12 dream:  At party with one of John’s brothers, I ask him where his brother is. Friend to my left says, “Dismissed.” Then John’s brother to my right falls onto me in laughter. We are all three smoking the last of a joint. I worry it might burn my friend’s lips.

December 11, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to Castro. #24 to Noe Valley. Lock eyes with handsome black man on Castro while our bus is stuck in traffic. Acupuncture appointment at 3:30. During session have vision of me drinking from the middle of a pool of water. After, go to Noe Valley library. Read more Normal. Walk up to Portola and #44 to F.H. K home. Sit across from young guy. Before he leaves, he turns towards me and smiles. Do Xmas cards in p.m. Send one to John, saying, “Merry Christmas, John (I had an extra card.)

December 11 dream:  Someone running out of food.

December 11 dream:  Play lotto. Guy who checks says I don’t win. Little girl comes into my apartment. When I open the door, there’s a whole troop of dark-skinned girls marching. Then den mother comes to fetch little girl.

December 11 dream:  Go into bar or cafe. Two of my boyfriends are on TV screen-type thing. Only they can see me. Thane walks through. As I leave, it’s not the one I thought was my boyfriend who noticed. It was blond, friendly one.

December 10, 2023:  in ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Jordan there. He tells me he may have to drop his job due to his new job at Zuni’s. He said he promised C.B. management that he would work on Xmas. Felt like an invitation to me. Wonder if I should invite him to my December 30 dinner. Go to library briefly. Read more Normal. Go to Canyon Market. Buy pastrami sandwich. Walk home via Circular Avenue. Online work. Doing cloths in p.m., get glimpse of figure in my room. Insight: In a.m. go wild with fantasy of stripping and fucking random men. In p.m. remember shaking violently after local young man leaves my apartment on Geary Street without having sex, as we both had hoped. I always got down on myself for not going for it, but now I know why I didn’t go for it. ‘Cause unconsciously I didn’t want to experience my unbridled sexuality. ‘Cause last time I experienced unbridled sexuality, it was my father having his way with me. When he left my apartment, I stood in my shower and shook from head to toe for minutes Letting loose all that sexual energy I had repressed. And I think this is the cause of my pelvic pain.

December 10 dream:  Having “timely” group therapy session. I talk to two guys mostly, who seem to be rethinking their lives.

December 9, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Get two anonymous calls. #49 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Josie there. Watch hot guy on cellphone. Feel guilty ’cause of Josie. As I leave, Josie asks me to summarize Normal. Josie very nice to me but I don’t want to be around her. Go to library. Read more from Normal. Smile at Librarian No. 2. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Go to M.S. Check out with Brian. He tells me some of his woes. #36 to F.H. K home. Sit across from my baristo friend at Peet’s in the Castro. He gets off at Victoria. He may be on a Grindr date. Insight: Want to be normal psychologically and physically.

December 9 dream:  Hornless elk gets on bus. We push it out. The woman comes running to get on. I think she makes it. We heard that an elk had killed somebody there a few days before.

December 9 dream:  Get several large unfolded maps to learn a new language, which I had forgotten I had ordered.

December 9 dream:  Take big shit. Leave it on the toilet seat. My roommate brings me back to take care of it. I say, “I can’t believe something that big came out of me.”

December 9 dream:  William Fennie and I have the same disease.

December 9 dream:  Talk with William Fennie family at old work place. We don’t have much in common. ’til I start talking with friendly, cute woman. I tell her, “We used to be roommates. And I never knew that he could even sing.”

December 8, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to Civic Center. Go to see new U.N. Plaza skatepark. It’s not much, but there were several guys skateboarding. One especially caught my eye and vice versa. Walk up Hyde to Moth Belly art gallery. See cousin Leigh’s latest art. Meet curator John. He’s interested in my photography. Walk out to Van Ness. Feel “shitty.” Go into CVS. Ask for newspapers. Greeter there obviously attracted to me in my white sweat pants. (*Relates to “shitty” feeling just moments before, I think.) #49 and F to Castro. Go to Eureka library. As I enter, beautiful young blond-dyed guy leaning up against the wall talking with someone on his phone. We connect. I feel ready to throw it all away for him. Go inside to restroom. He’s not there when I return. Go to Peet’s. Reconnect with my baristo friend there. Read more from Normal. Order meatball sandwich from Rossi’s Deli on Castro. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Allen, whom I love. We talk about the new automatic checkout machines being installed.

December 8 dream:  Standing on scaffolding which is moving back and forth. With a few others, trying to get somewhere. Two black guys. One nearby another is black. I am near that one so I put my arm on his back in support. Am on 8th floor of old building being remodeled. I decide to try to get out of the building before it collapses.

December 7, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Connect with really cute young black-haired guy on K who gets off at Jules. Buy Xmas cards in W.P. Go to newsstand. Joke briefly with Issa and Saif who is all smiles. Go to Peet’s. Brandon, Ian, Bruce there. Brandon was excited to see me. He likes my red pants. I show him my matching red umbrella. He approves of my outfit. Get anonymous call at Peet’s. Then see “Ft. Collins” on crossword puzzle. Go to W.P. library. Pass Saif looking at his cellphone at his newsstand. Read more from Normal at library. Plan to walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Instead follow cute guy up Ulloa to Laguna Honda Boulevard. #43 home. Get anonymous call after exiting bus. I say hello. No answer. I say, “Well, it was nice hearing from you again.” (*Relates to “Ft. Collins” from earlier today, I think.)

December 7 dream:  Sit in front of class ’cause there were no seats in back.

December 7 dream:  Plans for violent auto revolution were cancelled out but still useful.

December 6, 2023:  Three anonymous calls in a.m. 1st is spam. 2nd tries to blackmail me if I don’t give them my credit card expiration date. 3rd one I don’t answer ’cause I’m in the shower. I call back but they are no longer listed. So I text them saying, “Don’t you want to talk to me?” In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Barista I don’t like there. Go to library next door. Pretty woman smiles at me on my way in. I unconsciously try to hide. Insight: Realize the reason I hid from her smile is because it would threaten my childhood identity as a poor, lonely nerdy stepson. May be explanation for my pelvic pain: me punishing myself since my parents are no longer able to do that. Smile at Librarian No. 2. Read more from Normal. Shits at library. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Lights on crosswalk midway work on the downward lane but not the upward lane. #52 to F.H. K home. Upstairs tenant marches around for a few seconds. (*Relates to Godzilla dream of Dec 3, I think.) Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Some psyches can be split in two by trauma at an early age. Conclusion: Mind, all-knowing, indivisible, fully grown, fully mature, fully able is all that is expected.

December 6 dream:  Like girl who speaks French. So Laurie and I stay. Later I join her (the girl I like). She serves me wine and pretends to take it away, all the time speaking French. I try to speak it as well.

December 6 dream:  Help bring about a billion bees.

December 6 dream:  June new notice of our tape group.

December 5, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Mark there. Go to library. Read more from Normal. As I exit library, see handsome man. Turns out to be Librarian No. 3, who hates me. As soon as I recognize him, I no longer find him attractive. See #35. Decide to walk up O’Shaughnessy instead. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F.

December 5 dream:  My friend heats up his slice of cheese in the microwave. I tell him it tastes rancid. I say, “I’m not criticizing you. I’m criticizing the cheese.”

December 5 dream:  Cute nerdy young man with stud earrings.

December 5 dream:  Pee on floor in empty room. Then people come in. We are baby-sitting two young boys. Later I overhear one boy say, “My guy…” Other says, “My guy…” I think it’s cute so I locate woman who’s overseeing them.

December 4, 2023:  Avalon service guy comes over to fix my overhead light. In ’til 2:30ish. K to Castro. #24 to Noe Valley. Sit across from hot young guy and his girlfriend. She gets off at 24th Street as do I. He stays on board. Go to acupuncture appointment. Insight: Realize my shameful memory of delicious excitement at the thought of being alone with an infant came out of an effort to balance my own psychic history of being on the other end of that equation with my father. #35 to G.P. Go to C.B. 15 minutes before they close. Mark there, plus young Asian guy (I think) who looked back at me twice as he exited. Go to library. Read more from Normal. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. Check out with Brian who had been on a “hunger strike.” (*See diary of December 2.) Allen also there but we don’t connect. Burrito place. #43 to F.H. See cute guy who I took the down elevator with a few days ago. Today he didn’t look like he was in the mood. K home. Sit near two cute young Asian kids rather than hot guy who didn’t look in the mood either. Work on book in p.m.

December 4 dream:  Returning to Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

December 4 dream:  “China” godfather(?) in my room at home. Nancy and Laurie there. I say, “There was also one of these things that seemed to flash on and off at work.”

December 4 dream:  Pass black man in the dark. I try to speak to him: “What do you want?” He’s just walking by.

December 3, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #8 and J to G.P. G to C.B. Jordan there. He tells me he used to live in Guerneville. Also about his friend Zola who is doing research on black and queer history in the Bay Area. I ask Jordan, “How is your black and queer history going?” Walter L. comes in. Haven’t seen him since July of 2022. We talk briefly. He says he hangs out a lot at Java Hut on Ocean these days. Older man sits at table to my left. He has “old man” smell. Walk out of C.B. See #35 approaching so take it to Castro. Walk past Namantha’s resto and 440 Club. Beautiful young man with inviting smile walking down Castro. He looks like he just entered “Wonderland.” He stops me in my tracks right outside 440 Club. I tell myself, “I’m willing to follow him.” My body says no. So I continue up Castro. Walk up Corbett to Portola to #44 to F.H. K home. Go to Orchids Cafe on Ocean. Hadn’t been there since before the pandemic. Remember owner there who I liked and like. In p.m. decide to resume online diary, only 30 days behind. Watch Avatar DVD in p.m. The avatar is told that he is going through a metamorphosis.

December 3 dream:  Getting Harriet to sign and date my third day of activities. First two days already signed off. Days 4 and 5 to go.

December 3 dream:  Go to Chicago. Meet cute young guy I met and helped out in another city like Memphis. Before: Guy from NY tells me they had job for me there as a word processor at law firm.

December 3 dream:  In Chicago. Earth shakes. Big Godzilla-like monster walking through the streets.

December 3 dream:  Lauren Bacall shows how something should be done. Then she gets on motorcycle with hot guy and hot woman. People in beach town mostly naked.

December 2, 2023:  Post “William Fennie on the ‘Zonta flaw’” on the BB. In ‘itl 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Valentina there. As I’m about to leave she comes up to speak with me about the book I had been reading, The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog. Go to library. Read more from Normal. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. See Allen. Check out with Ian and other heavy-set guy who has’t eaten in a while and we joke about him going on a hunger strike. #44 to F.H. Sit next to biracial guy and his friends. He jokes, I think for my benefit, “I wish I was white.” Enter K. Look at attractive, well-dressed woman. Go to front of train. I think she’s into me, just like Valentina. Realize (again) that it’s not my job to make her or Valentina or my mother happy. Woman gets off at Lee Avenue, like me. She doesn’t go into W.F. as I expected.

December 2 dream:  Trying to figure out how to involve seniors in our play. I think, finally, we ‘ll have a talent show.

December 2 dream:  Homeless guy comes at me with large knife. I don’t flinch. Later he is working for the theater company.

December 2 dream:  End of Some Like It Hot scene in motor boat. Everyone applauding loudly even though it’s only a movie.

December 2 dream:  People campaigning for Reagan for governor. I remember that he won.

December 1, 2023:  Text Working Families caller from hier: “I hope you’ll be there.” Hear “Ft. Collins” in a.m. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Baristo I like there. He says I came in later than usual. Go to library. Start reading The Myth of Normal by Gabor Mate. Then read email from William Fennie, new dean of The Prosperos. Here’s his final paragraph: “The question is always : What are we [The Prosperos] doing together ? In our case, being together is working within a certain system – and we must always remember that a system that is not open to changes is a closed, dead, system. Our system necessarily involves certain lines of authority, and it’s vital not to get distracted into fantasies of authoritarianism. That is the Zonta flaw.” I reply: “Thx. I needed some comic relief today.” Smile at Librarian No. 2. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. #44 to F.H. K home. Nice young black guy smiles at me. Say to John in my mind: “Why don’t you just be here with me?” See vision out of the corner of my eye. Feel bad about Fennie in p.m.

December 1 dream:  See my father as a young man. Harriet gives him and me a kiss on the lips. Our houses are near each other. I’m about to take off in a rocket. Go to Tenderloin. Somebody says I’m going to be okay.

December 1 dream:  Getting ready for another test. Homeless guy in hallway threatens me. Finally I shut door nearest to me. Lots of people around. Test may be in French. Matthew Perry and skinny guy get ready to wrestle for the kingdom.

November 30, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Cute guy exits C.B. and enters library. I watch him. He looks at me before entering library. Owner’s son at C.B. Go to G.P. library. See “Perfection.” Then walk home via Circular Avenue. Get call from Working Families about party on December 8 at El Rio bar. I say, “Can I think about it?” Later realize it’s John in the background. (*Relates to hawk sitting on streetlight from hier and shits from two days before, I think. Also, “Perfection” from earlier today. Also, to kick in the butt from two days ago?) Walk thru CCSF campus. Guy asks me where the gym is. I say, “The swimming pool is that way, so I’m sure there’s a gym nearby.” Sexual abuse group from 6:30 to 8:30. I share my Castro Muni Station memory. Proud of myself for not leaving out any details. Not sure how it went over with everybody else. Though everyone was very nice and I got the usual positive feedback from two guys. I support woman by saying, “I’m sure you will uncover what needs to be uncovered.”

November 30 dream:  I drive my own train.

November 30 dream:  Woman takes off on horse.

November 30 dream:  Dream I’m getting into bed. Someone already sleeping. Others are in the next room talking about what just happened.

November 30 dream:  Bunch of broken eggs stirred up. Became bloody. Then almost disappeared.

November 29, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Hawk sitting on street light. Go to C.B. Baristo I like there. Go to G.P. library. Smile at Librarian No. 2. Turn in book with Librarian No. 1. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. I test crosswalk light. It still doesn’t work. When I look back, guy is walking over crosswalk. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Checkout girl asks me about my camera. Black guy in line smiles at me as I answer. Watched Jefferson Smith again on Thom Hartmann Program. He’s still pissing me off. Feels like he is intentionally baiting me. Did my father behave like that? Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Decisions made when you doesn’t have all the facts can lead to giving your authority over to others. Conclusion: I, being, am the sole power of the Universe and my power is based on being in possession of all  the facts and behaving accordingly.

November 29 dream:  Nap dream: Am issued a new ID.

November 29 dream:  Go to paint store to repaint my room.

November 28, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #43 and J to G.P. On pedestrian walkway homeless guy “playfully” kicks me in the butt. I walk on. Hear noise. I turn around ready to fight. Nobody there. Go to C.B. Nice baristo there. Noisy teenagers come into C.B. and sit down without ordering anything. I hold my tongue. Then hear my name mentioned on “The Vanguard Ask Us Anything Q&A” as they read and answer my question about the Electoral College being challenged in court as violating the 14th Amendment Equal Protection Clause. Go to G.P. library. Read The Haunted Self. It’s pretty good, though very scientifically technical. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Feel “shitty.” Take shits on side of the road in the dark. Walk up Teresita to #36 to Monterey. Then walk home. In p.m. get really angry at substitute Thom Hartmann host for blindly supporting Biden and concluding that anyone who doesn’t support Kamala Harris is a sexist or a racist. I get so angry I know I would lose it if I had to talk with him directly. Later realize this may be crazy anger that I feel for my father. (*Relates to last dream of November 27?)

November 28 dream:  At Prosperos party, Chris H. not there. Calvin is. I’m not speaking to him.

November 28 dream:  Go to very wealthy home. Final room is comfy den. Retarded girl there. Also very rich couple.

November 28 dream:  Have trouble running off 30 page report.

November 28 dream:  Go to resto with Dorothy and several other characters from Wizard of Oz who were each at separate tables. Waitress knows my name. Not much on the menu. Black woman I got hot over. (h.o.)

November 27, 2023:  Email stepsisters Nancy and Laurie: “You know, when I went to Nancy’s house back in the late ’80s I think. It was supposed to be a great “reunion” between me and my father. Tom was the only one not there. At one point in the conversation, Dad says, “What, do you think this family’s a big lie?’ I say, “No.” But tonight it just dawned on me that when we moved to Saratoga, I don’t think anyone who didn’t already know, knew that you both were my step-sisters and that me and Tom were your step-brothers. I never told anyone that you were my step-sisters.  Even when Paul Hernandez wanted to hit on Laurie, but he didn’t want to offend me ’cause he thought you were my sister. I don’t know if you told any of your friends. If so, good for you. I just somehow knew that it was not something that we were supposed to say somehow. But it is (or was) a lie nonetheless. It’s too bad, ’cause we could have been a lot more loving family if we weren’t based on a lie.” In ’til 3ish. K and #48 to Noe Valley. Go to library, briefly. Then acupuncture appointment at 4:30. Good session. He worked with my back instead of my legs. I laid on my sides this time instead of on my back. When I laid on my left side, I flinched as if someone was going to sexually assault me. Walk up 24th Street to M.S. Really beautiful young man ordering sandwich. I walk away. Then walk back and order a sandwich myself just to be in his vicinity. We didn’t speak, but he got to hear my voice and I got to hear his. Beautiful high school kid exiting #52, smiling at his friend. I say out loud, “Wow” as i’m boarding. Take K home.

November 27 dream:  Someone tracks “Darrell Issa” to Saratoga house and beyond.

November 27 dream:  #44 or #48 to La Brea near Fairfax. House with all windows and lots of people. I get off too early.

November 27 dream:  Tom C. is really nice to me. I go to planetarium with him. He looks a little different, a little older. We get along really well.

November 27 dream:  Woman gets naked and guy puts whipped cream all over her body. Then she leaves. I’m next. I take long pee and walk out. Everyone is dressed but I’m ready. I say, “Do I get naked?” Guy says, “You don’t get naked.” But I feel I do.

November 26, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Stop at W.G. on W.P. Avenue. Try to connect with cute worker there. He brings his finger to his eye, meaning, “I can’t see it.” Go to Peet’s. Only Ian and Mark there. Somebody called in sick. Bruce there, too. He tells me Fred C. is 94 years old now. I say, “I don’t think I’ll last that long.” After, see Saif talking with somebody at his newsstand. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to Japanese resto. Order chicken curry over rice. It’s very watery. But the resto looks like a fun place. Do double take of cute young guy working at Poke Bowl on Ocean. Make up some reason to talk with him. Insights: I’m not ashamed of myself. I’m ashamed of my father. Also realized that everyone in Saratoga probably thought that Harriet was my real mother and Nancy and Laurie were my real sisters. James Tunney responds to my email saying he had thought of me shortly before I emailed him. Work on book in p.m. See “May 1.”

November 26 dream:  Getting out of Army. Our helicopter lands. We walk around some pads. Then I say, ‘Is that it?” They say, “Yeah.” I say, “See ya.” On road below, president’s car? (*Relates to email I send to Nancy and Laurie on November 27, I think.)

November 25, 2023:  In ’til 11:30ish. Walk to Jun’s for haircut. He’s eating roast duck from Ming Kee. He offers me a piece. I take it. Wonderful time with him, as usual. I say, “I haven’t been here in about two months.” He says, “I think it’s longer.” He tells me about living alone in his new house in Antioch while his wife and mother-in-law were in China for two months. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Valentina and Jordan both there. I think Jordan is mad at me. He’s taking a course at SFSU called “Sonic Story Telling.” Guy sitting at table ahead of me, facing me, and showing off a bit, I think. Go to G.P. library. Read from Half a House. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to #44 to F.H. Insight: My side/back pain comes from God for just wanting to be a “normal boy” as I said when I heard that my father was getting remarried, way back in 1956. Online work.

November 24, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Josie there. While I’m sitting at table, Valentina walks in. She smiles at me and then talks with Josie. Then leaves. I feel that one of them wants me to be their “husband.” Was this the way I felt with my mother as well? #35 to Castro. Beautiful night. Walk up Corbett to Portola to M.S. Check out with Ed who later rings up Danny, the homeless guy, who gives me knowing smile as I leave. #43 to F.H. K home. Quote from Charles Upton in p.m.: “Go toward the source of the pain. Go right toward it and there will be a moment where you get through.”

November 24 dream:  About to take a shower with other people in modern gadget-filled room. Can’t figure out where the shower is. Woman I like there.

November 24 dream:  New word: phyrate or phirate.

November 24 dream:  Trying on new pair of jeans. I think they are girls’ jeans.

November 24 dream:  Go in for operation on my lower intestines.

November 24 dream:  Mature man in short shorts registering me for class. He’s got polished fingernails. Then he starts talking about cute Filipino boys.

November 23, 2023:  In ’til 10ish. #49 to Tommy’s Joynt. T-day dinner with John F. and his friend Rick. Walk back via Fell, Haight and Cole. Buy small live Xmas tree at Cole Hardware. #37 to Castro. K home. Work online.

November 22, 2023:  In ’til 1:30ish. #49 and J to G.P. Really nice bus driver on #49. Helped me feel better about myself after last nite. Go to C.B. Valentina there. She still calls me John. John A. calls. Go to G.P. library. Talk with Librarian #1. Take #35 to Liam’s. He gives me more Chinese liniment and three exercises to do for my back. Says walking is good for me: “Motion is lotion.” So I walk up 22nd Street to Portola to #44 to F.H. K home. Online work. Feel a bit better today. Insight: I think back attack from hier was an intra-psychic response to my happiness on realizing that my pelvic pain may have been where my father held me down as he raped me. And the extreme back pain hier was my father, in effect, telling me that he’s very upset about me trying to live my own life. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Decisions made when you don’t have all the facts can lead to giving your authority over to others. Conclusion: I, being, am the sole power of the Universe and my power is based on being in possession of all the facts and behaving accordingly.

November 22 dream:  Famous actress in S.F. to do a play gets on board bus with us. She stays on for about a stop. Very friendly. Touches my knee on her way out. Says she’s had a hard day.

November 21, 2023:  Cancel $5 monthly donation to Katie Porter ’cause she doesn’t support Gaza ceasefire. In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Baristo I like. Run into Noah from Fog Lifter Cafe. We talk almost an hour. He tells me his wife has scoliosis. Go to G.P. library. Read from Survival Manual and Boy. Realize my pain in my sides may have been where my father held me when he was fucking me. Feel excited that I make this connection. Walk up O’Shaughnessy all the way to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Take elevator up. Bend over near railing and my back goes out worse than it’s ever gone out before. (*Relates to first dream of November 20?)

November 21 dream:  John makes contact with me. Then walks on down to Santa Cruz boardwalk area of beach. Guy and dog who found a football (which he dropped) stare at me menacingly.

November 20, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Connect with cute guy as soon as I leave my building. He is leaning against the wall of my building. My train is just taking off. Wonder if I should have tried to chat him up. (*Relates to “Expect the Unexpected” from hier, I think.) K to Castro. #24 to Noe Valley. Go to Noe Valley library. Read from Bob. Acupuncture appointment with Liam at 5 p.m. He asks me about “virgin cat birth” which I had dreamt about in my last session and sent him an email about. I tell him it means, I think, that I can’t rely on my parents, that I must give birth to that self of me which has not yet been born. Then I extrapolate that maybe that’s what Jesus had to do as well in his virgin birth. Then I tell him that I’m going to stay until December 13, which would make it 9 months that I’ve been with him. After, walk up 24th Street to Portola Drive. Woman says, “You’re almost there” as I reach top of hill. Go to M.S. Allen, Ian, Angel there. I don’t connect with any of them. #52 to F.H. K home. Realize woman at top of 24th Street may have been speaking metaphorically to me when she said, “You’re almost there.”

November 20 dream:  Guy getting ready is trapped by mostly black higher-ups who don’t let him escape when he wants to leave. (*Relates to back going out on November 21?)

November 20 dream:  Cleaning out big warehouse one hour before we shut down completely.

November 19, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Take K to W.P. Get Chron from Issa at newsstand. I say, “Hela, hela” which he taught me hier means “You’re welcome” in Arabic, I think. Go to Peet’s. Read from Boy. Talk with Kai and Christian. On leaving I mention woman Christian was talking to. He said she spilled an espresso which he was cleaning up. After pausing for a significant time, wondering if I should say it, I say, “Maybe she spilled it intentionally.” Christian says, “I think she’s too old for me.” I say, “Yeah, sometimes, we forget … how old we are.” Christian and barista laugh. Later I realize I could have been talking about not only the woman, but myself as well. And even later, I realize I could have been talking about my father who “forgot how old he was.” (*Relates to football game dream of November 17?) Walk to Vietnamese resto on Ocean. When they give me my bill, it says, “John” (although it could have been “Banh”, short for banh mi) and “$9.75”. Connect with guy with his sugar daddy on Ocean. Decide to continue acupuncture treatments ’til December 13, which would make it around 9 months. Hear “Expect the Unexpected.” Smell of my father earlier today in my kitchen. Father sticks my foot with a pin just before I go to bed?

November 19 dream:  Pretending to work for the Nazis.

November 19 dream:  Go to Enid or Norman, Oklahoma. See path I want to take. Girl comes with me. It’s a different view of Santa Cruz.

November 19 dream:  Guys in office can’t help me but I buy place in Santa Cruz anyway. Somebody fills it with flowers.

November 19 dream:  Visit Liz Andrews. They’re not too happy to see me. Let out smelly fart. One of the girls moves away and makes a face. I go to Old Town S.F. Looks the same. Store manager says my I.D. has changed.

November 18, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Kai, Ian and other baristo at Peet’s. Text John about T-day. Don’t know if it went thru. Read from Survivor’s Manual. As I go to restroom, guy smiles at me with his eyes. Later we talk briefly. I comment on his Raider’s cap. He calls me “Sir.” On way out, Kai tells me “Igor” is Tyler, the Creator’s, best song. Kai and baristo also like Kendrick Lamar. Go to W.P. library. Read more from Boy. Train to Castro. Go to Rossi’s Deli. Guy who didn’t like me on November 15 likes me fine today. Take K home. Get off at W.P. Start to walk home while eating my sandwich. Get chest pain. Go back to W.P. station and take K home. Sit across from guy I had talked to before but don’t talk to him this time. Memory: Remember feeling helpless when my country decided to invade Iraq. Just like I also felt helpless when my father decided to take advantage of me sexually.

November 18 dream:  Hang outside my window to take off my clothes for washing. Guy on ground says, “I’ll follow you.”

November 17, 2023:  Hear “Ft. Collins” in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Talk with Joan re: T-day. I think she’s going to flake on us again. K to W.P. Beautiful guy on W.P. Avenue. He smiles when I notice him. No Chron at newsstand so I go across the street. When I return, woman is buying last Chron. I tell Issa, “I’ll try better next time.” Go to Peet’s. Kai, Ian and Brandon there. Have nice talk with Kai about his film teacher, Rafael Flores, Jr. Talk with Brandon about music festival he went to at Dodger Stadium. (Kai went as well.) He shows me his artistic fingernail polish. Go to W.P. library. Read more from Boy. Also begin reading from Survivor’s Manual. It’s rainy. I walk up Ulloa. Thunder and lightning as I near M.S. Ian, Angel there. #36 to F.H. K home. Guy from November 14 with clinging vine girlfriend. Insight: Realize why I feel safe with strange men as opposed to strange women is because with men, I can always be my slutty self as I was with my father. With women, I have have to be nice as I was with my mother. Was this the reason why I connected with John? Cute guy working at Beep’s.

November 17 dream:  Go to big football game to see transformation from one thing to another.

November 16, 2023:  In ’til 3:45ish. K and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Nice baristo there. Walk home via Circular Avenue for 6:30 Zoom meeting of sexual abuse survivors. Really didn’t want to go but really glad I did. Reminds me a bit of the empathy circles I used to attend on Zoom. Fall in love with Jackie, I think her name is.

November 16 dream:  Walking up wall perpendicularly and then thin air.

November 16 dream:  About to give Translation class to 20 people or so, who were initially divided into two separate rooms. Can’t find my notes. Nancy Ryan has agreed to introduce me.

November 15, 2023:  In ’til 2:30ish. K to Castro. Friendly guy with small skateboard at Castro & 18th. #35 to Noe Valley. Acupuncture session: Good feelings about Biden. “May 1” a few times. Virgin cat birth. [Email to Liam o November 16: I found out what “virgin cat birth” from yesterday’s session means. Shortly after the session, I went to the library and read from The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, a book about traumatized children. “As a child grows, many systems of the brain require stimulation if they are to develop. … For example, if one of a kitten’s eyes is kept closed during the first few weeks of its life, it will be blind in that eye even though the eye is completely normal.” What the dream tells me is that at some point in my childhood I simply shut down and what I am going through now is a “virgin cat birth.”  “Virgin” because I will not be relying on my parents.  And “cat” referring to this passage from the book I was about to read from.] Expansion of Thane prayer on BB. Walk from 24th & Diamond to G.P. Young guy with wonderful smile on Diamond Heights Blvd. He was walking with his mother, I think. Go to C.B. Nice baristo there. Return call to John Atwater. Go to G.P. library. Read more from The Boy. Talk with Librarian No. 1 about DVDs he suggested to me. Smile at Librarian No. 2. Guy walking between #52 and #35 Muni stops in G.P. I follow him twice, then just go with #35. Get off at 19th Street. After crossing 18th Street, loud, obnoxious guy yelling to somebody with him or on the phone walks right behind me. Go to deli. Buy lotto ticket. Have fun talking with guy I bought lotto from. Guy preparing my sandwich didn’t like me. Later he forgot my pesto pasta. As I leave deli, notice loud talking guy. He is magnificent. I think, “Yeah, that would be fun, but it’s a bit much.” I think the same applied to the lotto ticket I just bought. Take K home. Strange-looking woman exiting K smiles at me. [Realize deli guy who didn’t like me was just upset that, with my breakthrough understanding of “virgin cat birth,” I had become less dependent on him, generically.] Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Referring to people as vermin and cockroaches is the pathway to fascism. Conclusion: The properties of Truth are absolute and immediate and there is no opposition to it.

November 15 dream:  Herb Caen makes an appearance. I wonder how he got his job.

November 14, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Josie there. Feel very protective of her. Awkward moment with her as I leave C.B. Go to G.P. library. Read more from The Boy. Loud teenagers. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to #52 to F.H. K home. Beautiful guy on K I had seen before. He walks up Lee Avenue. Go to W.F. Talk with bakery guy from November 12. He’s got a doppelganger in the hot foods dept.

November 14 dream:  Trying to take modern taxi home.

November 13, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Put my bag and Chron down on table to reserve it. Then switch tables. Missing T.P. and Chron I bought at G.P. Market. I walk back to G.P. Market, thinking I may have left them there. CCTV shows I put T.P in my bag and Chron under my arm. Back at C.B., woman shows me T.P. on the floor. I ask her if she has seen my Chron. She points to man sitting in front of her. I ask him, “Did you take my paper?” He says, “Oh, was that yours?” [I had planned on texting John again, but the uproar with my paper steeler put me off that idea.] Go to G.P. library. Read more from The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog. It’s really good. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. As I check out, beautiful guy heads to Ed’s checkout station. I want to get in line behind him but see Angel at next station, so I go there. Feel bad afterwards. #44 to F.H. K home. Woman sitting across from me keeps staring at me. As we reach my stop, turns out he’s a cute young guy. Then I stare at him. Go to W.F. Insight: Was I dissociating when I was loading bombs on the USS Mt. Baker? 2nd Insight: My pain comes from shame that I enjoy being “pretty” for my father?

November 13 dream:  The football game is over. Now trying to figure out degrees?

November 13 dream:  Handsome guy admits he wasn’t a very present father for his two children, Tickle and Mingle.

November 13 dream:  At meeting, Carlos who was unavailable, shows up. Gives me document to send out so others can sign it.

November 13 dream:  See John with girl who lives in my building. He looks great. He’s combing his hair. Wonder if I will be able to fuck him. Go to get my lamp fixed, which had broken in a fall.

November 12, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Guy at Beep’s. Miss K to get a better look. Take K to W.P. Saif not at newsstand. Go to Peet’s. Bruce, Nedim there. Read from The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog. After, talk briefly with Saif but he’s on the phone with his girlfriend. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Bakery guy really excited to see me. He talks about how terrible the blueberry scones look. I say, “I’m sure you’ll have something better tomorrow.” Check out with Cole. See Allen walk by. Insight: Realize when I needlessly crashed my bike into Laurie’s bike in the ’50s or ’60s, I was probably disassociating. So it’s not just that I dissociated one time when my father sexually abused me. It’s probably become a defensive habit.

November 12 dream:  Silver star resto was going to one resto. Then changed to another more popular one.

November 12 dream:  In L.A., look at map of new gay neighborhood. Realize I was just there. Go again to 1104 or 1107 N. Cumberland.

November 12 dream:  Walk thru train cars with little … and big fearless one. I guide ship into port. As I exit, see Jon Stewart enter. Clerk says Jon tried to one-up him. I buy chocolate chip cookie and wait in line to exit.

November 11, 2023:  In ’til 4ish. Johnnie, the shoe repair guy, is not in as he said he would be. Talk to Joan at W.G. I don’t think she’ going to follow thru about T-day. Almost accidentally shoplift floss. K to Peet’s. Nice barista Mark and Ian there. Read more from No Longer Human. Decide I should go on to next book. Had chocolate chip cookie which caused some pain and discomfort. Talk briefly with Saif at his newsstand. Speaking French, he says, “La vie est belle.” I say, “Mas or menos.” Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Run into guy in the middle of sidewalk with two dogs. Have to walk into street to pass. He smiles seductively. I say hello to his dog. Eat at JoJo’s Cafe while waiting for shoes at Johnnie’s. Black guy greets me as I walk crosswalk. Watch DVD about pain. Guy suggests we ask: “Who is the I that is feeling this pain?” I think and what comes to mind is the I who is trying to please Thane.”

November 11 dream:  Woman buys 2nd summer home.

November 11 dream:  Sitting on ledge. Hoping guy next to me moves over. Wake up.

November 10, 2023:  Anonymous call. (*Relates to “Ft. Collins” hier?) Fantasizing about stroking John from behind in the shower. Get 2nd anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. No Chrons today. Go to C.B. Josie there. Also cute guy who noticed me noticing him. Go to G.P. library. Finish Victim. Start No Longer Human. 2nd librarian there but we don’t connect. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. #52 to F.H. Woman on F.H. bench makes a point of smiling at me. Take K home. Sit across from cute Asian guy. We make connection. He exits at W.P. Grabs his ass as he leaves. (*Relates to woman smiling at me at F.H., I think.) Go to W.F. Walk towards guy in sleeveless shirt checking out with Cole. Virginia interrupts my path and we talk briefly. I continue shopping and check out with Cole who is assisted by interesting new guy.

November 10 dream:  Some satanic kids help me “predict my future.” When I realize who they are, they laugh. I kick one in the mouth. He seems to enjoy it. He says, “Please kick me again. We really like it.”

November 10 dream:  Going to play poker or hardship.

November 9, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Baristo there. Go to G.P. library. Read more from Victims. Then walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. Check out with Ed. See Angel as I’m walking out the door. I say, “Angel!” He smiles. #52 to F.H. K home. Really loud, rude Chinese woman sitting in front of me. Knocks me off balance for about an hour or so. She triggered my self-blame defense and it took me that long to calm myself down and take myself off the hook. Hear “Ft. Collins” in p.m. Facebook restores my Occupy SF and BathtubBulletin Facebook pages, even admitting that it was wrong to restrict them.

November 9 dream:  Someone I like lets me drive his cab. I pick someone up right away. He’s got some big boxes we help him with.

November 9 dream:  Accept congratulations from my friends and jump off a cliff.

November 9 dream:  Bernie is hospitalized where he works. Throws rice after his wedding.

November 8, 2023:  In ’til 1ish. Take K to Church Street. Sit near cute skateboarder who I connect with. He gets off at Castro Street. New skateboarder gets on. I get off at Church Street. Dental appointment at 2 p.m. Then go to Peet’s in the Castro. Go to Eureka library. Read more from Victims. Fantasize about sexually molesting 2nd skateboarder. Plan to walk home but feel “shitty” so I take K home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: The Israel/Palestine dispute is too difficult to resolve. Conclusion: There is no disputing that Truth is the only “land” any of us can claim. Later I fall at home, though it feels like I’m being pushed.

November 8 dream:  Company offers deal for $244. Woman on our side says, “$244!” I say, “That’s only $1 less than what they’re offering. I had said, “$200.”

November 7, 2023:  In ’til 3:15ish. K and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Josie there. We have nice talk as I leave. Go to G.P. library. Read from Victim. Librarian No. 2 smiles at me. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Realize my excitement about leaving John is changing to excitement about being with him. Does this relate to how I feel towards my father? #44 to F.H. K home. My door is open when I get home.

November 7 dream:  Me and older prostitute pick coin out of the ground. It’s a $10 coin. I keep it. We talk about what she does and what I do. (h.o.)

November 7 dream:  The president (Clinton?) just passed the bar exam.

November 7 dream:  We’re in the hippie neighborhood of Valencia, Spain. In a rush to go somewhere.

November 6, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Drop off shoes with “Johnnie Be Good.” Run into Joan at W.G. She invites me and John F. to Chinese resto on T-day. Take K to Castro. Follow cute guy out of Castro Station. He waits for #35. I get on #35 two blocks up. Get off at 24th Street. Go to Starbucks. Two friendly baristos and one beautiful young man waiting in line right next to my table. Plus lots of very noisy school kids. Arrive early for acupuncture appointment. Read more from Victims. After session, walk up 24th Street to Portola Drive and M.S. See Ian. He’s a lot more laid back today. Angel working next to my checkout fstation, but we don’t talk. In p.m. see that my text to John (from November 3) actually went thru. (*See 2nd dream of November 5?)

November 6 dream:  We all quit work at the same time and I walked away. Then decided to go back. Woman referred to draft dodgers. (*Relates to “quitting” John last night and deciding to “unquit” him later on November 7, I think.)

November 6 dream:  Realized I was next.

November 5, 2023:  Get email from Tom C. accepting my gift of 5-record set of Brigadoon starring his mother, Marion Bell. Feel kind of small and worthless in comparison to Tom. In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Ian, baristo, Nedim at Peet’s. Connect with cute young guy at back table as I leave. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to Jojo’s Cafe. Read more from Victims No Longer. Still feeling sort of worthless, I Translate. Realize even though my egocentric conceptions of myself may be worthless, that Truth is not worthless. In fact, Truth has infinite worth. While I was pondering this at crosswalk, car stops to let me pass even though it had the right of way. Later realize I’m still hoping John will reconnect with me. Does this mean that psychologically I still want my father to reconnect with me? Write email to Jewish Voices for Peace and Marianne, Cenk and Cornel West suggesting solution for Israel/Palestine should come from those who really are interested in finding a solution, not from the leadership.

November 5 dream:  See Rick Thomas and other Prosperos guy at bus station, going south to L.A., I think.

November 5 dream:  See John with some ditzy blond guy. I’m on my way to get tickets to some event.

November 4, 2023:  In ’til noon. Take K to Civic Center. Sit next to beautiful guy in hoodie. Finally get him to smile when he gets off at W.P. Go to pro-Palestine demo at Civic Center. Cute guy standing in front of me has tattooed arms. I ask him what the writing means. He says they are Sanskrit. And that he’s a student of pre-Hindu religions and Sufism. I tell him I like Sufism. Only stay about half an hour. Walk to Castro. Go to Peet’s. See Nedim from W.P. Peet’s there. We talk briefly. Talk also with cutish gay baristo whose name I don’t know. Go to Eureka library. Go to restroom. My hair is standing practically straight up. Read more from Victims No Longer. Have big deja vu while reading Victims. Go to Rossi’s Deli. They like my pro-Palestine sign. K home. Guy I think is a little self-involved gives me a chest bump on exiting when he sees my pro-Palestine sign.

November 4 dream:  At work. Cute Latino guy I had never seen before arrives. I try to speak Spanish but can’t. Someone ate the candy bars I had stored away.

November 3, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. No Chrons for sale today either. Go to C.B. Josie there. We talk briefly. I find out she was raised in Mountain View and that she got a degree from Cal Poly in Humanities and Computer Engineering. See young guy with skateboard rush into the back room. I wait for him to come out, but he doesn’t. Go to G.P. library. Read more from Victims No Longer. Nice librarian there, one of the same guys from hier. Woman exiting Canyon Market smiles at me. My phone says #35 is “Due.” So I take it to the Castro. Same cast of characters as several times before. Get off at 19th Street. Walk up Castro. Pass Namantha’s resto and 440 Club. Walk up Corbett and Portola to #48 to W.P. Try to text John saying, “How’s it hangin’ ?” Somehow I couldn’t technically manage to do it. Go to Goat Hill Pizza. Get slice from very beautiful, friendly, intelligent young woman. K home. Insight: Realize I unconsciously chose John to be my metaphorical father figure ’cause, just like my father, I knew somehow that he would never admit to our “special relationship.” So decide to discontinue this diary, at least for a while.

November 3 dream:  My car is cleaned from inside out but I can’t get it started, it’s headed in reverse and a big Mack truck is bearing down on me.

November 2, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. No Chrons for sale today. Run into Jordan outside Canyon Market. Nice seeing him and his friend. I tell him the movie he recommended, Come and See, is really terrible. He laughs. Go to C.B. New baristo there. Go to G.P. library. Read more from Victims No Longer. At one point when I’m reading, I see an image of a man to my right. Later one of the librarians comes up to me with a set of DVDs he wants me to check out. I thank him. Other librarian I like calls me “Mr. Zonta.” Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. Run into Ian. He’s really happy to see me. I tell him how much I liked the strawberry milk he recommended. Then he says, “But how are you?” I say, “I’m fine. How are you? You look good. Looks like you got some sun.” He agrees. Afterwards, I think he may have been on something. #44 to F.H. K home.

November 2 dream:  Staying with family in drug-infested neighborhood. Woman keeps her house key in spot across the street.

November 2 dream:  Man says, “Do you want to see the world?” and I follow him up steep hill, wondering how I’m going to get down. Now I seem to be on a trolley so I stay on it, heading to the top

November 1, 2023:  Hear “Ft. Collins” in a.m. Then get anonymous call. In ’til 4:30ish. K to Castro. Cute guy gets off with me at Castro and smiles to himself as I race up steps to try to keep up with him. Walk down Castro. Namantha talking outside with his boss. #24 to Noe Valley. Acupuncture appointment at 5:30. Then #35 to G.P. Go to library. Read more from Victims No Longer. Go to Canyon Market. Cookie manager seems upset with me for some reason. #44 to F.H. K home. Strange, sexy guy on K sitting in front of me. He gets off at same stop as me. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Might makes right at home, in school, in the world. Conclusion: As a Native of Eternity, it’s regular and right to be all-knowing and all-mighty.

November 1 dream:  Stopped by Bob Krell’s place. Wanted to take him to church with me. He doesn’t want to go, but his friend was interested.

November 1 dream:  Alan Blackman with me and two friends on a train. He is telling woman friend how he is going to court her, and he won’t shut up. She has on earphones and is watching a video through a device attached to her head.

November 1 dream:  Feeling sexy with sheets and blankets which I am wearing around my body and which keeps riding up to my waist, exposing my butt and genitals. Later, admiring my huge erect penis.

October 31, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Take K to W.P. Lots of children in costumes. Brandon and Ian at Peet’s. Brandon didn’t wear his Michael Myers costume. I say, “Well, maybe next year.” He says, “I don’t know if I’ll even be here next year.” Go to W.P. library. Read more from Victims No Longer. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. See Namantha outside waiting on table with friendly smile. Walk up 18th Street. Two #33 buses (coming and going) get stuck at Market and Clayton Streets intersection. Walk up to M.S. Hot guy walking the aisle. Check out next to “Sir Allen.” Go to CVS looking for strawberry milk. Talk with very cute young cashier who tells me he’s sure that they don’t have any. Go to Miraloma Market which did have it. Take #43 to F.H. K home. Young black woman in very sexy Daisy Mae costume as I exit. In p.m. I discover I bought chocolate chip cookies instead of oatmeal as I had intended. Couldn’t stop eating them ’til I realized that that’s how I behaved when I was drinking.

October 31 dream:  Uncle Nick at family reunion/expo. It was relay good to see him again. I asked Aunt Nancy how they met.

October 31 dream:  A man finally admits information is being forced.

October 30, 2023:  In ’til 2ish. #29 and #38 to VA. Sit across from black guy on #29. Nice lady dermatologist. She says, “Is there anything else? You came in all happy and now you look down.” She also said I have seborrheic keratoses. She says that actor Morgan Freeman (who plays God) has many of these. I think,”Maybe I shouldn’t play God.” Go to La Promenade Café on Balboa. Beautiful guy comes in to pick up “to go” order. He steadfastly ignores my steady glance. Walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Step thru Asian bakery without buying anything, even though my friend is there. Walk to 9th Avenue. Hope Fred is not at the Beanery. He isn’t. Plan to take #43 home. Instead I take #44 to G.P. Sit near black guy on #44. See Lee at G.P. Market. Take #35 to Castro. Obnoxious rich young fat guy on phone. As I exit on 19th Street, nice young fat guy smiles at me. Walk up Castro. Cross Castro to take photo. See Scott Wiener, I think. Cross back. See beautiful guy crossing 18th Street. I U-turn and try to talk with him at Muni stop. He’s wearing an L.A. Dodgers cap. I say, “Are you a Dodgers fan?” He doesn’t respond. He’s wearing earbuds so I don’t know if he’s ignoring me or just didn’t hear me. Go to Walgreens. Pass Namantha’s resto and Club 440. Get sandwich at Rossi’s Deli. K home. (*My adventure taking #44 instead of #43 relates to going off the beaten track on October 28?)

October 30 dream:  My stepmother falls out of auto. She says, “Oops.” I better take care of this first.

October 30 dream:  Trying to pay rent for my temporary roomCr. They want a cup of my money. Perry D. in next room.

October 29, 2023:  In ’til 3:15ish. K to W.P. Sophia at Peet’s. Later talk with Bruce on his way out. Woman sits next to me. Seems she is trying to get my attention. Not really interested. She is insistent. I get more and more pissed and finally leave. Talk with Saif at his newsstand. He went to Halloween party hier wearing “escaped prisoner” costume. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to Purtea resto on Ocean. Flirt with guy who looks sort of like “Sir Allen” from M.S. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. I ask him if he’s ready for Halloween. He kind of laughs.

October 29 dream:  Doing my laundry. Nancy says that whoever does their laundry has to clean the area. Harriet being nice to me.

October 28, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #29 to San Jose Avenue. Beautiful young blond man and I wait for the J. On the train, I notice he is reading a book about nutrition, so I ask him about it. We talk ’til he gets off way beyond my usual stop. His name is Travis. I take J back to G.P. See Lee at G.P. Market. Go to C.B. Valentina there again. She says she’ll email links to the books she mentioned hier. She’s still calling me John. Go to G.P. library. Read more from Victims No Longer. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Take trail to my right just to see where it leads. After going so far that I couldn’t really go back, I finally end up on O’Shaughnessy again. See hawk later on same boulevard. #44 to F.H. K home. As I get on, guy smiles at me with his eyes. Later I figure out he’s probably on a Grindr date. (*Relates to 2nd dream of October 25?) Go to W.F. Check out with Allen, whom I love.

October 28 dream:  Standing in line for passport.

October 28 dream:  Time is up. They’re giving me back all my empty buckets, etc.

October 27, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Valentina there. She’s from Moldova. She tells me about class at SF State which tries to look at the “other” so as not to forever get into these wars. She asked me for my info so she could invite me to one of her classes. I gave it to her. Get spam call from one of John’s friends. Guess he still gets a kick out of that sort of thing. Go to G.P. library. Read more from Victims No Longer. Walk up O’Shaughnessy. Go to M.S. Check out with Ed. Ian in the background. #44 to F.H. Meet guy wearing EZs. Muni announces, “There’s been an earthquake so service will be slower than usual.” (*Earthquake relates to John reading this diary entry on October 28?) Run into former barista from Peet’s who now works at Little Original Joe’s in W.P., and her friend. Decide to take same train as my EZ friend so I wait for about 20 minutes to catch the M train. He gets off at SF State. I continue on to Balboa Station and get immediate transfer to K home.

October 27 dream:  In sports pages of Chron: “Once you become wealthy, you have to learn to accept the finest.” Bill Gates interviewed. I think, “I should post this in the BB.”

October 27 dream:  At Halloween work party, Bob M. is there in a suit. Not many people in costume. Guy trying to sell me a cell phone.

October 26, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Passive aggressive barista upsets me. Doing crossword puzzle, clue is “Forget about that!.” Answer is: “Let it go.” Which I tried to do. I do leave all my trash at and under my table, though. Go to G.P. library. Read more from Victims No Longer. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to #52 to F.H. K to shoe repair place and Jo Jo’s on Ocean.

October 26 dream:  Walking with my boyfriend. He says, “I think of you as a year older than me.”

October 26 dream:  Get in fight with guy at paper store. Now I have to find other place to buy paper. Living at place in the Mission.

October 25, 2023:  in ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Go to G.P. library. Read from Victims No Longer. Walk to and thru G.C.P. See Janet, the Coyote Lady. I remember her sort of coming on to me months ago. Feel bad that I can’t fulfill her wishes. Catch #48. Sit across from cute young guy who I feel the same way about. Get off at W.P. Take M to Balboa Station. Then #43 right away home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Memories cloud our vision of reality. Conclusion: Truth is all that sees and all that can be seen in the ever-present clear day of Now.

October 25 dream:  Want to add three pages to book without taking any pages out.

October 25 dream:  On work detail. Climb up ladder. Two other younger guys jump down and land on solid ground. When I look down the ladder is a distance from the ship and the water is a dark, murky green. I want to jump down but I don’t really have to.yet. Bob M. there.

October 24, 2023:  Due to seeing a silverfish in my closet, decide to finally do my filing (after about 5 years of not doing it). I don’t see any more silverfish, but feel really good afterwards. It takes about two hours. (*Relates to dream of hier about taking inventory?) In ’til 4:30ish. K to W.P. Buy paper from Saif (not “Save”). He reminds me he’s from Tunisia. We mention what’s going in Gaza. Go to Peet’s. Brandon there. He says he’s gong to dress up as Michael Myers (from Halloween movie) on the 31st. On leaving, I say, “Be sure to take a photo so I can see you in costume.” He says he’s going to wear it to work. I say, “I’ll try to be there.” Though I think, “There’s nothing that will keep me from being there.” Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with Ian. I say that I couldn’t find strawberry milk. He closes his counter to help me find it. See Ed also. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with friendly barista. I ask her if she’s ready for Halloween. She says, “Oh, I don’t do that.” I say, “I don’t either.”

October 24 dream:  Working at TYT with hard-on. They claim they are a family show. I think that’s a mistake. (h.o.)

October 24 dream:  I’m in line with John to some event. Ticket taker says John’s too young but he (John) looks like a middle-aged lady with glasses. (h.o.)

October 23, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Take K to Castro. #35 to Dr. Liam acupuncture appointment. During session, see naked backside of man who seemed like my father. He is apparently fucking woman in passenger side of car. (Me?) Nice conversation with Liam. #35 to G.P. Go to library. Then #52 to F.H. S to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Valentine and Sophia there along with two or three other baristas. Seems like the women are taking over. Go to W.P. burrito place. Great chips, but not impressed with their burrito. Take K home. Kathy B. responds to my FB message thanking her for being the only member of my extended family (she married my brother) who recognized and mentioned what a bully (and probably more) my father was. (*Relates t dream of October 22, I think.)

October 23 dream:  I’m put in charge of taking inventory of the two-story warehouse. Dina (from “Superstore”) is my knowledgeable assistant. (*Relates to me doing filing at home on October 24?)

October 22, 2023:  I decided not to attend Marianne Williamson event. In ’til 2ish. It’s a kind of rainy day. #49 to tip of Van Ness. Walk to Columbus Avenue. Try to evade some loud-mouthed tourists. Walk to Market. Then walk up to Van Ness. Market Street is under some kind of reconstruction from the Embarcadero to Van Ness. Take F to Castro. Go to Peet’s. Read more from Abused Boys. Almost finished. Walk to Castro. Go to Rossi’s Deli. Give all my quarters to homeless guy I like. Take K home. Meet guy with L.A. Dodgers cap. He says he’s moving back there and that his girlfriend is already there. RHS my stepmother in p.m. Me trying to find a way to get along with her. She not really interested. I’ve met women like her throughout my life. I needed her to save me from my father. She was more interested in competing with me for my father, I think.

October 22 dream:  Big blimp is attacked by other blimp. The big blimp has all the flags of the U.N. on its bottom. I try to get photo. Earlier walk thru back yard of family home. They let the entire back yard be filled with water – overflowing the pool. I think of my father, a pool man, and wonder how I still love him. Lots of big whales fighting with each other in nearby lake.

October 21, 2023:  In ’til 2ish. Take #8 to Cartoon Art Museum on Beach Street. Beautiful day with lots of people in North Beach. Especially one beautiful white cop or security guard. When I arrive at about 3:15 p.m., I’m too late. Bruce has already left though he was supposed to be there ’til 4. So I walk up Polk Street to Market. Lots of activity on upper Polk Street. Things get darker on lower Polk Street. Lots of boarded up stores, etc. Go to Main library to pee at gender neutral restroom. Then take F to Castro. Go to Peet’s. Flirt with baristo there. Read more from Abused Boys. Very erotic chapter about guy fucking anything that moves. Other chapter talks about guy who wanted to be somebody important so people would think he was “good.” Walk to Castro. Feel sudden surge of energy. Like I wanted to walk up 18th Street to the top of Portola even though I had already walked quite a bit already. I didn’t want to leave the immediate area, so I went into Marcello’s and got a slice of pizza. Walk down Castro one block. Then walk back. Pass Namantha’s resto and 440 Club both ways. Take K home. It arrives immediately. Go to Beep’s. Get veggie burger, onion rings and strawberry shake in celebration of something. Tomorrow I go to Glide to see Marianne Williamson and walk Columbus Avenue in search of my beautiful white cop.

October 21 dream:  Calvin finds a photo of me and John Lenahan in our high school student council petitioning the U.N. for peace in the Sinai. I say that I don’t think I was ever in the student council.

October 21 dream:  Woman says, “We need to save Israel. And will somebody get me a cab?”

October 21 dream:  Some cops undo a mistake on a report mentioning Millbrae as being south of the event, when it’s really north. I was warned not to report it ’cause I would have to deal with the big boss. Then the big boss became my father. I say, “I’m going to report it anyhow!”

October 21 dream:  Drop shit on the floor. Clean it up with toilet paper. Later black girl with scholarship for the “severally gifted” talks with me and lays in my arms. Later try to find young man who collected a lot of clamps in a bag. When I find him, he says he doesn’t want them. He says, “You know me.” Sign on building says “ASU.”

October 20, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #29 to San Jose Avenue. J to G.P. Go to C.B. Josie there again. Call Calvin and we talk for about an hour. #35 to Castro. Cute-ish guy gets on. Then gets off at 24th and Diamond. He takes off his jacket and leans up against the wall. I continue to 19th Street. See “Special Event Today” sign. Walk up Castro. See Namantha, looking cute, standing outside his resto. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Corbett to Portola to M.S. See Allen. Check out with Ed. Intense eye contact with cute young man at #48 Muni stop on Portola. So I take #48 with him. When I finally see his face, he’s way too young. Young woman sitting across from me smiles at me. Take K home. Scary-looking black guy when I get on. When I look up from my crossword puzzle, he’s gone.

October 19, 2023:  Accidentally call Carl Compton. Then hang up. Why not call him? So I call again and ask for Carl. Woman angrily answers, “Wrong number.” In ’til 3:15ish. Walk to San Jose Avenue. Miss J train. See guy with “Bounce Back” T-shirt. Older woman likes my red pants. Guy on Diamond Street smiles at me unbidden. Go to C.B. As I leave C.B., get into conversation with cute young Asian guy who is reading 20,000 Leagues under the Sea by Jules Verne. We walk out together for about a half block. Then I go to G.P. library. Read more from Abused Boys. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to #52 to F.H. Join Zoom meeting with Marianne Williamson volunteers. See close-up video of my face. Very unflattering. (*Relates to “Bounce Back” T-shirt from earlier?) K home.

October 19 dream:  Something about John.

October 19 dream:  7 morally … ambiguous.

October 19 dream:  John and I and other guy at work. They have turned off the food service. I say, “Yeah, I had a nice bowl of air broth.” John says something about delivering something to his apartment. (h.o.)

October 18, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Josie there today, too. Minimal conversation. Go to G.P. library. Read more from Abused Boys. Realize how I always come to the defense of God, at least in my mind, whenever He is questioned. Probably relates to my relationship with my father as well. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to #44 to F.H. K home. Follow cute guy off at Miramar. Run into guy on Ocean who I think was looking for sex. See two dogs at Ocean and Plymouth. When I get closer, there’s only one dog. Go to W.F. Ask Javier if they have oatmeal cookies. He said I should check with his “brother,” a black guy in the Bakery Dept. I say, “Your brother?” He says, “Yeah.”

October 18 dream:  At Joanne and Larry’s house. Have an Eli Lilly beer while waiting for them to finish.

October 18 dream:  Visit Corvallis for a day. See I.M. Pei for S.F. construction site. See familiar path near familiar resto.

October 18 dream:  “Joe Rogan” type who didn’t want to be famous.

October 17, 2023:  ln ’til 3ish. #29 to San Jose Avenue. Walk to Red Sea Pizza. Talk with guy there about the Middle Eastern wedding he told me about earlier. He says he’s got another one coming up. J to G.P. Josie there. We don’t speak much. I leave copy of B.A.R. along with other newspapers I have read. Go to G.P library. Read more from Abused Boys. Then walk to and through G.C.P. Go to burrito place. #43 home. Interesting young man on board. We make some sort of connection. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole.

October 17 dream:  Prosperos Assembly is ending. Jeff Prentice is hugging me from behind. I ask everyone to hold hands and have one more moment together.

October 17 dream:  In Menlo Park backyard.

October 17 dream:  Liz Andrews about to have heart attack.

October 17 dream:  S.F. about to have strike.

October 17 dream:  Beautiful man at party keeps taking his pants off. I get hard. Later we talk. He asks me where I’m from. Then he asks me, “Do you believe me?” I say, “Should I?”

October 16, 2023:  Anonymous call at 11:15 a.m. Call at 2:15 p.m. which I couldn’t hear very well. I say, “If you speak into the microphone, perhaps that will help.” She hangs up. Get third call, also anonymous, at 3:15 p.m. just before I leave home. Take K to Castro. Big hawk over Ocean Avenue while I’m onboard the K. Castro Street all closed off for some sort of event. Take #35 to Noe Valley. Beautiful tradesman outside home on Douglass Street. Go to Noe Valley library on Jersey Street. I read from Abused Boys. Young man freaks out and drops a few F-bombs before being asked to leave library. He does. Go to acupuncture appointment. In one of my dreams, General says to me, “I want you to touch my …” After session, cute guy waiting for bus at Diamond and 24th Street. I walk up 24th Street to Portola Drive and M.S. Gay guy smiles at me. Go to M.S. Check out with Ian and Angel. Angel tells me he’s a “Courtesy Clerk” I say, “Well, you’ve certainly got the name for it.” I was so caught up talking with Angel that Ian had to remind me to pay. #44 to F.H. K home. Insight: It was the night of our hug at Cafe Flore that John first began calling me. Breakthrough: Looking up how to spell “pantse.” Merriam-Webster.com says:  Sandler plays Dave Buznik, a Brooklyn-born wimp, a patsy, a schlemiel so mild-mannered he makes other people want to pants him.—Lisa Schwarzbaum. Just reading that made me want to pantse him as well. At first I don’t want to admit that to myself. Then I allow myself to feel that part of myself. If only so I can dismiss it.

October 16 dream:  Staying for weekend retreat. My roommate is an older man. There’s a lion and several dogs around. Every once in a while one of them will growl menacingly. Then wash their front pawsand be done with it. Girl talks about game they play where they look down each other’s pants. Other girl says, “So I can’t believe we’re allowed to pantse other people.”

October 16 dream:  Place where … how several members who are suicidal.

October 15, 2023:  Anonymous call at 3:15 p.m. K to W.P. Kai, Bruce, Nedim, Ian at Peet’s. Kai shows me his latest video. I offer to act for him in the future if he does a story about a May-December romance. Feel kind of “shitty” so I walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to Jo Jo’s. Walk home. Anonymous call at 6:15 p.m. while I’m taking a shower. Stepsister Laurie likes more of my photos on Facebook.

October 15 dream:  Put in a full day of work on Monday. I’m exhausted even though I/we didn’t do that much.

October 15 dream:  Try to sell a bagful of ants to girl I know.

October 15 dream:  Two girls. One girl jumping up in the air and flying like a kite. I think they’re crazy.

October 14, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to San Jose Avenue. J to G.P. Just as we are ready to go, scruffy, dangerous-looking, long-haired man gets on board. When I get off at G.P., he precedes me up steps. I stay a safe distance behind. After I get to G.P, I can no longer see him. Go to C.B. Wonder if Josie will be there. She’s not. It’s Valentina, who calls me John. I don’t correct her. Get anonymous call. Later as I’m saying goodbye to Valentina, she calls me John again. It feels good. Go to G.P. library. Almost finish Holocaust Testimonies. Walk along Glen Park Greenway to G.C.P. Two sweet guys. One says, “God Bless You.” I return the blessing. Walk thru G.C.P. #48 and #44 to F.H. K home. See “Paradise Lost” on K train. Go to W.F. Cole tries to hide from me. Hear “Fort Collins” in p.m.

October 14 dream:  Guy running down hall for eight minutes can’t ….

October 14 dream:  Walking home to return my umbrella. Run into Thane, my father, so I turn and walk with him.

October 14 dream:  Visit Long Beach. I’m supposed to monitor each block. Don’t know why.

October 13, 2023:  In ’til 3:15ish..Walk to San Jose Avenue. J to G.P. Go to C.B. Josie there. As I leave, I say goodbye. She says, “Have a great evening.” Get down on myself for not pursing her. More self blame. More pelvic pain. Later I realized that Josie represented my relationship with my mother. It was inappropriate. It was something that she wanted, not something that I wanted. Though she, like my mother, was very nice. Go to G.P. library. Read more from Holocaust Testimonies. On leaving library, it felt like rain. Take #35 to Castro. See black guy on 19th Street looking ready for sex. Walk up Castro. Pass Namantha’s resto and 440 Club. Take K home. Stop at JoJo’s. Walk home. Shits on getting home.

October 13 dream: Ate some food with possible bad effect. Others were getting sick. Streets flooded with water.

October 12, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to San Jose Avenue. J to G.P. Go to C.B. Surly barista takes 10 minute break just as I come in. Break lasts 20 minutes, it seems. I decide to just sit down and not order anything. Stay there ’til they close, nonetheless. Go to G.P. library. Read from Abused Boys and Holocaust Testimonies. After about an hour, loud young woman sits across from me. Then she settles down. Later a pair of loud young women sit at another nearby table. I feels like they are testing me to see if I will react. I decide to stay there ’til place closes, which I do. Feels like a victory. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to Portola Drive. Wait at Muni stop with beautiful young man from SOTA, I think. When bus comes, I sit next to him. As I exit at F.H., I get my first good look at him. He is black-haired and gorgeous. Take K home.

October 12 dream:  Little boy gets caught in some shit. I pull him loose.

October 12 dream:  Bob M. catches touchdown pass. Later two girls dance in “end zone.”

October 11, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Surly barista there. Go to G.P. library. Read more from Holocaust Testimonies. Makes me sad. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. See Ian but he’s not happy. #44 to F.H. Muni attendant smiles at me as I pass his cubicle. K home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Pain in my body is reminding me that as a child I was the family scapegoat. Conclusion: Our own being is the flawless, blameless, painless, non-hierarchical, all-inclusive family of God being.

October 11 dream:  Heather W. takes over from me as new Treasurer of The Prosperos. She is also Vice President. In the background see “Train in Spain.”

October 11 dream:  Naked girl dancing in shower. Guy I like pretends to fuck Calvin.

October 10, 2023:  Shits in a.m. In ’til 1:30ish. K to Castro. Walk down Castro. Try to pass slow walking guy. As I pass him, he says, “I’ll buy you whatever kind of beer you want.” We are nearing 440 Club. I say, “Here?” He says, “Yes.” I walk on. #35 to acupuncture appointment with Liam. Dream of doing celebratory dance with two others. Take #35 to G.P. Guy with AOC eyes in back seat. Go to C.B. Barista who I used to not like is there. We talk more. I tell her about S.F. Berniecrats. She’d never heard of them before. Go to G.P. library. Read from Holocaust Testimonies. Made me angry. When I leave, it’s raining. I run into barista again. Learn her name is Josie. Take #35 to Castro. Walk up Castro to Castro Station. Take K home. Go to W.F. Run into refrigerated foods lady, Virginia. She tells me, “The deviled eggs are waiting for you.”

October 10 dream:  CIA 1-61 is an organization critical of the CIA.

October 10 dream:  Tom C. is sitting across table from me. I knew he was looking for a new job. I say, “Did you get a new job, Tom?” He excitedly says, “Yes,” and gets up to be congratulated by those around him.

October 9, 2023:  Get call from “Private Number” around 3 p.m. When I answer there is no response. In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Brandon and Sophia at Peet’s. Nice talk with Sophia. She’s graduating from SFSU in Decenter in Environmental Studies. Also found article in Chron about SFMade Maker Mart for Brandon. He’s working on a clothing line. He says, “Why didn’t I know about this?” I say, “’Cause you don’t read the Chronicle.” Train to Castro. Walk by 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Walk up 18th Street to Corbett to Portola. #52 to F.H. Sit across from good-looking swarthy young man who smiles at me. He leads me to another young man on F.H. bench. We start talking about football. Then train comes. I grab empty seat. Later I go to sit across from my friend and we continue our conversation. He tells me about “Wordscape” and I download the app. He smiles nicely on exiting. Go to Pakwan resto. Then W.F. I ask good-looking guy in line ahead of me about what looks like strawberry milk, which I was looking for the other day. I go and buy some. Upload photos to Facebook in p.m. Get excited when my stepsister Laurie starts to like some of them, like she did a lot before I called Dad a pedophile. Know she’d hate me calling her my stepsister, though that’s what she is.

October 9 dream:  Artist who used ….

October 9 dream:  They’ll be the winner in S.F. Want to work on my book this weekend.

October 8, 2023:  In ’til 8:30 a.m. #49 to Unitarian Church for talk on “Occupy SF 10 years on.” Meet John F. there. Also see Melvin there. He says, “You’re Mike, right?” I say, “And you’re…” “Still Melvin,” he says. Take #49 home. Go to W.F. See smiling shopper there. So I follow him out of the store for a bit. Feels like I know him or will. Go home. Take nap. In ’til 3 p.m. #29 to San Jose Avenue. Hear guys talking and laughing. I unconsciously flinch, thinking they are talking and laughing about me. Go to Red Sea liquor store. J to G.P. Go to C.B. I sit next to cute but unavailable guy. Jordan is having a really busy day. As I leave, I congratulate him on making it through. He says, “Your name is Mike, right?” I say, “Yeah.” He says, “’Cause Valentina calls you John.” I say, “Well, I have a close friend named John.” Walk thru G.C.P. Go to M.S. Beautiful man comes in with another man. The second man says to me, “I like your pants.” I was wearing my magic red pants. Talk with “Haircut Ed.” Go to burrito place. #43 doesn’t come for 25 minutes so I walk halfway home. Cute young guy on #43.

October 8 dream:  As party is wrapping up, see Tom C. He’s trying to help one of the Cuff sisters find a home. They were dating but they broke up, though are still friends. He’s not working at the moment, but he has several fires going.

October 8 dream:  Security guard I have an argument with. I try kissing him.

October 8 dream:  Lots of different types of people in a tiny home. I wonder where they’re all going to sleep. I’m staying with in a room with my two roommates.

October 7, 2023:  In ’til 3:15ish. #29 to San Jose Avenue. Just miss J train. Walk to Red Sea liquor store. Ask the man at the store the name of the movie he was playing hier. He says, The Last Stand. Go to G.P. Jordan and Valentine both at C.B. Jordan says he’ll be in tomorrow, too, and asks me, “So I’ll see you tomorrow?” I say, “Yeah, probably.” Go to G.P. library. There’s street fair going on outside on Diamond Street so #35 picks up on Bosworth. I take #35 to Castro. Walk up Castro from 19th Street. Check out newly reopened Badlands. Guy at door IDs me. Place looks great. Pass Namantha’s resto. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Corbett. Realize my excitement about wrestlers being stripped and humiliated on YouTube relates to me balancing my own being stripped and humiliated by my father. #44 to F.H. K home. A few loud kids get on board. Later jaw-droppingly beautiful young man with friend joins the group. When I finally look back, instead of looking at and admiring beautiful young man, I look at and admire his friend. Go to W.F. Run into my friend Noah who I used to talk with at The Fog Lifters Cafe years ago. Check out with Cole.

October 7 dream:  If I stay retired, I get a large percentage interest on $3,000. Have to get my file at the right place. Woman thought I was sexually attractive. I said, jokingly, that I thought my gray stubble made me look hot. She didn’t disagree. Interest begins January 31.

October 7 dream:  Looking for artist Go high. 1st … pursues other artist. Come down elevator with guy who is also looking for the same artist as me. We are looking for a woman teacher, I believe.

October 6, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #29 to San Jose Avenue. Just miss J train. Walk to Red Sea liquor store. Ask clerk what movie they are playing. Take J to G.P. Meet photographer at Diamond and Bosworth. Go to C.B. Barista I used to not like is there. Go to G.P. library. Talk with friendly librarian. Walk to G.C.P. Take shits at G.P. Recreation Center. Accidentally walk in on little girl who forgot to lock the door. She says, “I forgot to lock the door. I’m sorry.” Walk to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Notice “emergency” button on K. Go to W.F. Check out with Allen. I ask him if he’s going trick or treating. He says he thinks he’s too old. I say, “Maybe they’ll have candy in the store.” He says, “Yeah, for a price.”

October 6 dream:  Hired to clean a family’s apartment. I get to … One of them, who I knew before, asked, “You and he both moved to the city. About …, you lived with …. How was that , moving to the city?”

October 6 dream:  Walking thru nice part of town. Then rough part of town.

October 6 dream:  Making out with young Latino in church basement. He wants me to suck his cock. I don’t. Later he asks guy next to me for a tip. Guy gives him a dollar.

October 5, 2023:  in ’til 1 p.m. #29 and #38 to VA. Arrive early. Everyone at VA is in festive mood. They’re giving away popcorn and cake. Blue Angels overhead. I have nice appointment with my toe nail clipper. She tells me she lives in Pacifica and when she drove home hier Ocean Beach was filled with people. So when I left VA I walked toward Ocean Beach. Not many people there today. Walk up G.G.P. to 25th Avenue. Try to take photos of Blue Angels. Meet fellow photographer. Stop by Asian bakery. I ask my friend, “Did you see the Blue Angels?” He says, “No. ‘m working.” Walk up Irving. Run into young man at 19th Avenue and Irving. He’s taking videos of the Blue Angels on his phone. As I leave, he says, “It was nice talking to you.” (*Relates to last dream of hier, I think.) Go to Starbucks across the street. Barista there smiles at me. I think ’cause she saw me looking at sexy superhero on my cellphone. Also very hot baristo there. Walk to 9th Avenue. Hope I don’t run into Fred. I don’t. Catch #43 home. Nice looking young Asian guy with tattoos gets up and offers me his seat. Later as someone is trying to exit bus, he is facing me and his crotch rubs against my hands. A polite person would have moved his hands. I didn’t. Get home. Work online. Realize the pain I feel when I’m being loved or feel like I’m being loved (when I eat something sweet, for example) seems to be directly related to my perceived need for self-punishment which I first experienced with my father.

October 5 dream:  Staying out of main lecture hall during class though I felt people expected me to be there. Run into Calvin, also outside of class. I think he’s mad at me. He’s not. We talk. Carol Carter joins us. She compliments me on what I had said when it was my turn to speak. She said that she thought that I have really influenced another student and helped him to see that he could do the same thing. (*Relates to John?)

October 5 dream:  The portion of my toe nails I had trimmed finally came off. I wasn’t with the rest of them at the time. (*Relates to my work on myself?)

October 4, 2023:  In ’til 3:15ish. K to Balboa Street. Just miss connecting J. Walk to Red Sea Market on San Jose Avenue. Ask store manager about music he’s playing. He says it’s Middle Eastern and he’s getting ready for a Middle Eastern wedding. Smile at him.. Also smile at guy standing outside with his girlfriend. He smiles back. J to G.P. Surly barista at C.B. Also beautiful, happy, well-dressed young white guy who takes no notice of me at all. But he does dote on his skinny Asian girlfriend. Go to G.P. library. Finish Sexual Abuse Recalled. When I leave library, I plan to walk to G.C.P. but #35 comes along and practically insists I take her instead. Getting on board, it’s extremely hot inside. I say to hefty black bus driver, “It’s hot in here.” He says, “Yeah, I’m losing a lot of weight today.” Then black woman enters and insists we all open the windows, which we do. Get off at 19th Street. I feel very close to bus driver. He says, “Have a good evening.” I say, “I hope it gets cooler.” Walk up Castro. Pass Namantha’s resto. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Corbett Avenue. See “You Landed” chalked on the sidewalk. Later it continues: “… on Planet Earth. Welcome to the Party. Happy Birthday, Ian!” (Ian is Gaelic for John.) As I continue on Corbett, I’m reliving the hunger for love and acceptance I felt with my father (and the bus driver). Also realizing that it’s not bad to be hungry for love but that maybe I don’t need to allow myself to be fucked over at the same time. As I’m thinking this, really beautiful guy with blondish hair and handsome face smiles at me. I smile back as we cross paths. Walk up Portola to M.S. See Ian in the background. Take #36 to F.H. K home. Red-haired girl smiles at me as I exit at Lee. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Sometimes children have to lie in order to survive in their families. Conclusion: Truth is the Singularity, perceiving Itself and speaking Itself without beginning, without end.

October 4 dream:  Go to car place to fix my shoes so my brakes work better.

October 4 dream:  Am late for 2:30 talk. Street I just crossed is flooded on my way back. (*Relates to 2:30 p.m. appointment at VA?)

October 3, 2023:  In ’til 11:30 a.m. Beautiful white guy with large Afro crosses Ocean Avenue to go to Beep’s. On entering #29, beautiful guy gives me dirty look. I end up sitting next to him. He gets off at SFSU. Other beautiful but smiling guy who I hadn’t noticed gets off on the way to SFSU. Later guy, self-consciously smiling, gets onboard and sits in back seat. When I turn around, he looks away. Meet friendly older man at #38 bus stop. He’s going to visit somebody at VA hospital. See cute derm nurse a few times. He’s pretty cool to me. Walk thru G.G.P. to Asian bakery. My friends not there. Go to 9th Avenue. Catch #44 to G.P. Three black girls get on board and sit right next to me. They are talking trash about their classmates and in general being very loud and hostile. When I exit, my camera accidentally bumps into one of them. I sincerely and kindly apologize. I think that deflated their hostility. As I step down from bus, cute little boy sitting on Muni bench gives me a dirty look, which I think was somehow related to what just went down. Go to C.B. Barista who I used to not like is there. Go to G.P. library. Read more from Sexual Abuse Recalled. Then #35 to Castro. Walk behind partially blind guy to bench below. Take K home. Stop at Jo Jo’s Cafe. Guy sitting at table smiles at me. I sit next to him. After a while, we start talking. He’s into robotics. We talk until the place closes down. We exchange phone numbers. (*Relates to dream of October 2, I think.)

October 3 dream:  My father getting down on me for not working. I say, “I’m 77 years old and I’ve worked every day of my life.” [Feel something moving under my covers.]

October 3 dream:  Guy and gal come up path to where I’m keeping watch. I say, “Are you running after somebody or hiding from somebody?” Then they both jump off ledge to street below. I was impressed. They seem okay.

October 2, 2023:  In ’til 1:30. Take K to Castro. #24 to Noe Valley for acupuncture appointment. Have dream of tropical paradise among other dreams which I don’t remember. Talk with Liam about Greek dream temples, which my sessions with him seem to be. After, wait for #35. Smell shit at bus stop. Can’t locate source. #35 to G.P. Go to C.B. Jordan there. He tells me about movie Come and See which I ordered from library. I tell him about Pasolini films I just saw on DVD. Go to G.P. library. Read more from Sexual Abuse Recalled. Walk to G.C.P. See dad and his young sons decorating their doorway with an all-yellow fuzzy fabric and button-on eyes. I ask them what it is. Dad says, “It’s a monster.” I say, “Yes, it is.” His little boy smiles at me. Walk thru G.C.P. Then #52 to F.H. K home. I check out handsome black guy on K. He gives me hard look. I sit down. Think of getting off at Miramar to go to Jo Jo’s Cafe, but feel I can’t. So I get off at Miramar and Jo Jo’s is closed on Mondays. Walk home.

October 2 dream:  Making plans to do an emporium store, in my old room at 835 Turk Street. Guy and gal in room with me. Then new girl comes in and we kind of gravitate towards each other. She ends up standing up against me. As she leaves, she says, “This is embarrassing.“ I say, “Come back any time.” (*Relates to meeting Justin on October 3?)

October 1, 2023:  Attend Sunday Meeting on Zoom this a.m. Realize William Fennie, new Dean of The Prosperos, is the kinder, gentler Hitler from my September 27 acupuncture session. In’ til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Christian, Ian, Kai at Peet’s. Am able to connect with all of them. Train to Castro. It’s Castro Street Fair day. Walk thru it to 18th Street. Then up 18th Street to Market, Corbett, Portola to M.S. Talk briefly with “Sir Allen” about his hair growing back. See Ian. Go to burrito place. Woman there seems to disapprove of me. Take #43 home. Sit across from hetero couple. End up liking her more than him. Guy nearby, who I had dismissed earlier, gets off at same stop as me. Then, when it was too late, I see something beautiful about him. He runs to catch #29.

October 1 dream:  Feel fuck-ready in sheer tight full-length dress. Had to make sure the color was correct.

September 30, 2023:  In ’til 3:15ish. #29 to San Jose Avenue. Make point of passing attractive young man as I exit crowded bus. J to G.P. Jordan at C.B. He’s playing Elizabeth Cotten music. Go to G.P. library. Read more from Sexual Abuse Recalled. Walk to and thru G.C.P. #52 to F.H. Two guys sitting on bench move over to give me a seat. When K comes, I sit across from them. Get into conversation. Guy #1 is looking at videos of cars doing donuts. Guy #2 was listening to music. They get off at Miramar. I get off at next stop and walk back to Jo Jo’s Cafe. More curry chicken over rice. Walking home, see attractive young guy just standing next to iine of cars at MacD’s drive-thru. I go back to see if I can connect with him. As soon as I walk toward him, he starts walking up Ocean Avenue. I follow him. At each stoplight, he would lift his left foot onto his right knee. Later I realized that’s exactly how I sleep. It seems to help me avoid charley horses.

September 30 dream:  Crawl out of tunnel area.

September 30 dream:  Civilians under attack. Guy says, “That would be nice.”

September 30 dream:  Calvin makes a chocolate pie. I take slice to my table. Marianne W. gets excited. I give her a bite. And William Fennie a bite. Calvin pulls himself up to share the rest with me.

September 29, 2023:  In ’til 11:30 Take #29 and #38 to VA. On #29, woman moves over to allow me to sit. Later three young Asian guys from Lowell H.S. get on and off. One of them is amazingly friendly and open and lovable. Attractive guy gets on and off #38. I get off with him a few blocks before my stop. Go to VA derm appointment. Good to go for another year. Though I later found out they froze the wrong spot. Walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Go to Asian bakery Strike up conversation with attractive young cyclist wearing shorts with tattoos on his calves. My Asian bakery friend and his gay co-worker there also. Walk to 9th Avenue. Run into Fred Cline again outside 9th Avenue cafe. We commiserate (not) about Dianne Feinstein’s death. #44 to G.P. Interact with two cute guys and one girl. Go to C.B. Talk with Valentina about Plato and Christianity again. Go to G.P. library. Read more from Sexual Abuse Recalled. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Talk with meat guy again. Check out with Allen. Cole nearby. Facebook censures my Intercept.com post on “Cop City” on Occupy_SF Facebook page.

September 28, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. See “Save” at news stand. Bruce, Christian, ian and two other baristos at Peet’s. Talk with Bruce a bit. Talk with Christian a bit about Daniel. Talk with Ian a bit. He tells me Tally, the dog he walks, is expected to go into remission. Go to W.P. library. Cute Asian librarian with thick-rimmed glasses. Read more from Sexual Abuse Recalled. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to shoe repair place. Go to Jo Jo’s Cafe for chicken curry over rice. It’s really good. Go to W.F. Talk with security guard and meat department guy. Check out with Allen.

September 28 dream:  F trolley going down Market Street at 16th Street in S.F.

September 28 dream:  Beautiful butterfly hovering near me and Laurie and one other woman. We try to touch it. It makes a noise. I say, “I never knew they made noise.” Button up my Levi jeans.

September 27, 2023:  In ’til 2 p.m. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. #24 to Noe Valley. During acupuncture session, dream of well-dressed, kinder, gentler Hitler. John also makes appearance. Take #35 to G.P. Go to C.B. Then go to G.P. library. Read more from Sexual Abuse Recalled. It was a beautiful sunny day when I entered library. When I left about an hour later, the fog had descended. I thought: Even if #35 appears, I don’t want to take it to the Castro. Then #35 did appear and I didn’t take it. Walk home via Circular Avenue. Go to W.F. Overhear one W.F. worker ask another out. They were both women. The woman being asked says, “I’m with somebody but we can hang out if you like.” The woman asking was somebody I had talked with before at W.F. and somebody I like. Made me happy. Woman I checked out with was very attractive. I tried to read her name tag but I couldn’t make it out. I only had one item so was not able to get her attention. Made me feel bad. (*See last dream of September 26 about losing my wallet, i.e., losing my identity.) Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Girls can be mean. Conclusion: We are all “well-born,” well-endowed natives of Ageless Energy Being.

September 27 dream:  It’s dark outside. I ask if there’s a light back there. Deena says she’ll help me. When we get back there, it’s light. We start kissing. We’re not supposed to. She’s going out with someone else.

September 27 dream:  I’m left with my female boss at work. We’ve just cleaned a lot up. We’re both in our underwear. I walk in front of her to put something in the trash. I am attracted to her butt as she gets in the shower in a sheer outfit. She says, “Did you say something?” I say, ‘No.”

September 27 dream:  Woman guiding me thru small town like they have in Montana.

September 26, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Meet woman artist on J. She tells me her life story. Go to C.B. Sit next to young guy playing chess with an AI on his phone. Barista who I used to not like. Smile at homeless woman as I enter G.P. library. Read more from Sexual Abuse Recalled. As I exit library give money to same homeless woman. She says to watch out for guardian angels. See cute guy at Diamond and Chenery. Follow him to G.C.P. Go to M.S. Then go to Woodside Muni stop. Young guy comes up and smiles. Find out he’s Marcus who I met at the same place on May 18. I went to his SOTA media showing on May 25. He tells me about new 5-minute horror film he is working on for December media night. We get on #44 together and talk ’til I get off at F.H. Take K home. Two loud black girls and one loud while girl get on and start acting out all the way home. Makes me feel bad. Realize ’cause that’s my default: I blame myself. Insight makes me feel a lot better.

September 26 dream:  See movie about Jung in theater. Sit next to Fred Cline. I fart. Fred smells it. I admit it. I say I ate something really strong. See stepsister Nancy. We go out to lobby together. She says, “Jung was not uncool. He was just a cool guy with a strange hat.”

September 26 dream:  Standing in front of locker. About to change my clothes and take a shower there in view of some people there who won’t like that.

September 26 dream:  Go into store to give report. Someone calls me “Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

September 26 dream:  Lost my wallet in Philadelphia at a resto, I think. Pretty cool city though. Lots of remodeling going on. (*Relates to check out girl at W.F. on September 27?)

September 25, 2023:  In ’til 11:30 a.m. #29 and #38 to VA. Beautiful guy on Geary as I approach VA and have no access to him. Have appointment with Dr. Hewitson. He says I’m bow-legged. Go to La Promenade Cafe after. Then walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. See my Asian bakery friend. Talk with him briefly He keeps calling me “Sir.” I check out with cuter, younger, gayer, co-worker. Run into Fred Cline and his Asian friend Raymond outside 9th Street cafe. Raymond tells me the Illuminati are pulling all the strings. On leaving, I say to him, “Say hello to the Illuminati if you run into them.” He smiles. #43 home. Five or six cute guys I try to monitor on way home. Go to W.F. See Javier briefly. Check out with Allen and Jeff. In p.m. realize my DVD order from Great Courses about de Tocqueville was probably stolen. Later realize I am not so upset that somebody stole my DVD but that I have to try to convince the company to believe me. When have I felt that way before?

September 25 dream:  Two Jewish yachts racing side by side. Fastest one goes to … so it can be looked at contractually.

September 25 dream:  Trying to get song run off for our graduation show. Robert Redford is playing Thane. Need 30 copies.

September 25 dream:  A British group is coming. And then we will be finished with group. I have a lot of rocks in my shoes.

September 24, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Bruce, Sophia at Peet’s. Meet guy reading Elon Musk bio. We talk briefly. Take train to Castro. Stand next to cute young guy. As I’m about to exit at Castro, he gives me the eye. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. He’s not outside. Then decide to walk back up Castro. See Namantha on way up. Also see John White with handsome guy. I smile at John. Pass 440 Club again. Get on #35 to G.P. Then get #23 to Gennessee. Walk home.

September 24 dream:  Trying to take some boxes from one part of town to another. (h.o.)

September 23, 2023:  in ’til 3:30ish. K and J to G.P. Talk with Lee at G.P. Market. I ask him about his soccer injury. Tell him I hope he feels better. Go to C.B. Talk with Valentina. She’s getting a Master’s in philosophy from SFSU. She says Christianity comes from Plato. I told her that I heard recently that Plato’s Republic can be taken not only as a comment about society, but as a comment about the individual psyche as well. Go to G.P. library. Read more from Sexual Abuse Recalled. Learn that the grandiosity of the sexual abuser is sometimes transferred to the abused. Go to restroom. 10-year-old old boy there taking a piss. So I go into stall. Think he might symbolic of my newly reborn 10-year-old self. Take #35 to Castro. On 19th Street, run into 18th Street resto owner who gives me big smile. Walk up Castro Street. Hear two guys talking about Las Vegas. Pass Namantha eating outside at table, looking at his phone. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Corbett to Portola to #44 to F.H. K home. Sit across from two fat Latino gay guys who are talking and laughing. Feels like they’re laughing about me. Go to W.F. Check out with Jeff.

September 23 dream:  Line of little sacs on my face.

September 22, 2023:  in ’til 3:30ish. I go to W.G. on Ocean. Joan there but she ignores me. K to W.P. As I enter Peet’s, beautiful young guy standing behind his girlfriend at counter. I smile at him. He doesn’t respond. Then I try to connect with his cute little dog. No luck. So I go to my seat. Ian, Nedim, Valentine there. Have conversation with Ian. I ask him about his dog-walking. He says he only walks the one dog who I saw with him on September 13. He says her name is Tally and she has cancer of the shoulder. Take train to Castro. Nice day. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto Walk up 18th Street to Market to Corbett to Portola. Get to thinking about my conversation with Ian. Perhaps Ian’s dog was telling me that my hip pain may be a result of my “shouldering” too much as a kid. I was allowing myself to be sexually abused by my father for the purpose of holding our family (my brother, my father and me) together. Is my body telling me that my being sexually abused had more nobility than I thought? Catch #44 right away. When I walk down the steps at F.H. guy in front of me is dancing backwards, then sideways down the steps. Take K home. Go to W.F. Talk to guy ladling soup with one hand. He was holding something with his other hand. I accidentally knock something off shelf. Good-looking, long-haired guy picks it up for me and smiles. Check out with Cole. Young guy behind me. Also cute new W.F. worker in all white outfit as I leave.

September 22 dream:  Check out guy with untucked shirt and Bermuda shorts.

September 22 dream:  Visit John F. He lives near new hardware store where I bought something earlier. Also some other big stores nearby.

September 21, 2023:  in ’til 3:30ish. #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Have nice interaction with barista who I used to not like. When I leave, I get excited about saying good-bye to her. Notice other guy in the back. Fear he might be competition for me with the barista. Catch myself. Deflates my excitement. Say good-bye to barista. She responds in very business-like way. Go to G.P. library. Read more from Sexual Abuse Recalled. Walk up O’Shaughnessy Blvd. Go to M.S. Check out with Ian. He’s in a pretty good mood today. We talk about oat milk, almond milk, etc. I say that maybe someday we’ll get back to regular milk. He says, “Mr. Cow.” I say, “I think it’s Mrs. Cow.” Go to burrito place. #43 home. Sit across from LouLou from Peet’s. She says she was skateboarding on Haight Street. She’s a senior at SFSU, getting degree in English lit, emphasis in poetry. She looked really beautiful.

September 21 dream:  Try to make up missing part. (h.o.)

September 21 dream:  Taking shower, notice little green worms with legs on my legs. Looks like baby somethings.

September 21 dream:  Quentin Kopp on bus leads us to top of S.F. where there’s big resto. We drive close to the edge of the road. When we arrive, there are beautiful modern apartments, each with an individual setting (like Habitat 67 in Montreal). I think, “I’d like to live there.” See Alilne Pearl running to catch the bus. I get up to try to meet her. I talk to managers of apartment building. She gets very close to me like there may be a sexual component to getting one of her apartments. I’m okay with that. I ask about apartments. “How big? How much?” She’s talking about $1,500 or $1,600. Seems possible.

September 20, 2023:  Anonymous call in a.m. Makes me furious. In ’til 3ish. As I’m leaving building, hear woman scream and guy yells, ”Surprise!” Take #29 to San Jose Avenue. Beautiful tall young black man gets on board standing right in front of me. His pants are sagging all the way down below his butt, revealing multi-colored skin-tight satiny underpants. Very exciting. J to G.P. Go to C.B. Surly barista there. Also, flock of over-privileged white h.s. girls. Go to G.P. library. Read from Sexual Abuse Recalled. Realize my father may have buried memory of what he did as well. Insight: Lady with kind voice from September 14 is using her kind voice to gaslight me, to scam me. Was this an echo of what my father did? Take #52 to F.H. Take S to W.P. Go to Little Joe’s. Run into barista from Peet’s who’s working there now. We talk briefly. Walk to Vietnamese resto on Ocean and order tofu banh mi. Hear and see hawk fly over Ocean to waiting palm tree. See shirtless guy on Dorado Terrace. I walk by him and back. I say, “It’s cold.” He says, “I want to dry off before I get in my car.” Walk home. As soon as I key in, marching band from Balboa Reservoir next door begins playing tune. So I walk out to see them and try to take a photo. It’s pretty dark. They’re playing “Louie, Louie.” We were playing that song back in the ’60s. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: One has to be wary of two-faced people. Conclusion: Truth is keeping the High Watch for wholeness, soundness, perfection and immortality being.

September 20 dream:  Lose some pieces of art. Lose memo I had been working on to apply for a job. Still did well in the interview, I think.

September 20 dream:  On strike at work. Aline Pearl, our supervisor, doesn’t know whether she is labor or management, but she says she’ll be there “’til the last drop.”

September 20 dream:  Maybe I moved to S.F. to be near where my father was raised.

September 19, 2023:  In ’til 11:30 a.m. Take K and BART to Oakland. Go to my bank to add money to my C.D. Have nice discussion with black woman there. She’s also Taurean. Go to restroom. Run into beautiful light-skinned black guy who says, “Sorry.” I say, “Okay.” Walk up Telegraph Avenue from Oakland to Berkeley. Things are a lot better or at least seem a lot better than the last time I walked this street on March 22. Stop at Peet’s on Telegraph in Berkeley. After, I notice a new coffee house nearby. I stand in the doorway feeling excited that I’ve found a new place to go to in Berkeley. Guy sitting at table facing me thinks I’m getting excited about him, I guess. I give him dirty look, though I feel bad about it afterwards. Walk down Bancroft. Talk briefly with h.s. student on Shattuck. Take AC bus back to Salesforce Transit Center. Meet two young girls at Mission and 1st Streets. Take their photo. Walk up Market to IKEA just to make sure it’s still there. Take F train to Castro. Then K home. Get off at Jules. Stop in at Sweet Cupz for something green, cool and not too sweet. Guy gives me a drink which I don’t really like but our fingers touch. I had talked with same guy on May 10, I think. Work online in p.m.

September 19 dream:  Come full circle about something.

September 18, 2023:  In ’til 2ish. K to Castro. Walk by 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. #24 to Noe Valley for 3 p.m. acupuncture appointment with Dr. Liam. I fall asleep. But remember dreaming about a gun and trying to hide it from myself. Take #35 to G.P. Go to C.B. Talk with Jordan about his ADD. Go to G.P. library. They have no books for me. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. Check out with “Haircut Ed.” Then see “Sir Allen” so go to his checkout stand. He puts up “Closed” sign so I go back to “Haircut Ed.” Let two buses pass so I can catch #52 to F.H. Driver looks like an Asian Rudolph Nureyev. Wait for K. Meet young skateboarder also waiting. His name is Jake. He’s a junior at Lincoln H.S. He tells me about OTF(?), a gang of kids in S.F. he is trying to avoid, led by a cultish leader. He gets off at St. Francis Circle. See “One More Time” on Ocean Avenue. Exit behind beautiful guy bouncing volleyball at Lee Avenue. He looks sort of like Daniel, only a touch more beautiful. He walks to CCSF. Go to W.F. Check out with Allen. Emotion watching movie: I think life is not fair. It’s not good.

September 18 dream:  Visit my father. He’s with black guy. (h.o.)

September 18 dream:  See Chris H. again, as my dreams anticipated. He looks very young and is not surprised to see me. And doesn’t really want to talk to me.

September 17, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Talk with “Save” about floods in Libya. He says it happens every once in a while. Ian, Kai, Bruce at Peet’s. Beautiful dark-skinned man smiles at me. Then disappears. Or at least I can’t find him again. Have chocolate croissant ’cause they had nothing else. Or just because. Bruce tells me about queer-themed event called “Don’t Follow the Light” which charges $67 per. When Bruce said farewell, it felt like he was disappointed in my response. So I started to blame myself and tapped into a large vein of self-hatred and self-blame for about an hour. Think this is reflected in my body as pelvic pain. Talk with Ian about his student film. Head to train to Castro. Realize I lost my post-it note of daily notes/insights so went back and found it on the sidewalk outside Peruvian resto. Go back to W.P. Station. Take train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Namantha pops his head out and back in at his resto. Walk up 18th Street to Market to Corbett to Portola to #48 to #44 to F.H. K home. In p.m. see “Teleplay by John Harrison” and “Directed by John Harrison” on DVD.

September 17 dream:  Going thru long application piece by piece.

September 17 dream:  Dog which had been unfriendly to me when he was behind bars escapes. I don’t flinch and he loves me. Woman calls this country nationalist.

September 17 dream:  Run into Marilyn Deurell. Don’t recognize her ’til she writes her name down. We talk about going to Christian Science church together as children.

September 16, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Feel “good” on San Jose Avenue. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. My surly librarian friend there. No book ready for me yet so I head for G.C.P. Walk thru G.C.P. Go to M.S. See Ian at checkout stand. When I get there, “Sir Allen” has replaced him. We talk briefly about his haircut. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jeff. We talk briefly about his lack of customers.

September 16 dream:  Go on my nightly rounds checking things and delivering papers. I end up with some newspapers which I put on the coffee table. I greet beautiful black security guard who wants to take one of the papers. Guy asks where I’m from. I mean to say “Occupy” but I say “Apple.”

September 16 dream:  It’s 6:25 a.m. and I have to get up at 6:30 a.m. to go to work.

September  16 dream:  My brother Tom is staying with me for a while. I say that I should let my landlord know. He agrees. Suddenly there are three women in the apartment. I soon find out that they are prostitutes. Tom gets the prettiest one. I get one of the others. Tom feels the breasts of his girl so I feel the breasts of mine though she still has her shirt on. She seems to like it. My girl is black. Tom’s is white.

September 15 2023:  Wake up early. Can’t get back to sleep. So I turn on my phone. Get anonymous call at about 10 a.m. In ’til 3:15ish. Take K to Balboa Station. J train is not coming for 24 minutes so I take K to W.P. Sit across from sexy dark guy in tight black pants. Hawk on top of El Rey Theatre. As I exit at W.P. Station, make eye contact with 2nd young man. No one I know at Peet’s except Nedim who comes in later. See title of book: No One Needs to Know. Take train to Castro. It stops for a long time at F.H. So I get off and walk up to Portola Drive. Take #43 home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Decide not to go to Folsom Street Fair since I don’t have recommended booster shots, etc.

September 15 dream:  Not far from Market Street in S.F. Nevada Land Trust was our back yard at Saratoga house. Cynthia Dusel there. Lots of cute guys in their 20s.

September 14, 2023:  Get email from Visual Rights Group saying I owe some $400 for copyright infringement for publishing a photo as part of a two-year-old article from TheGuardian.com. Talk to lady with very kind voice. (*See first dream of September 13.) In ’til 3:30ish. Take #29 to San Jose Avenue. Stand next to same young man as I did hier. Just miss the intersecting J train. So I walk to G.P. Run into cute red-haired bicyclist. Go out of my way to stand next to him. He gives me big smile. (*I think that’s why I just missed the J train.) Go to C.B. Female owner and son at C.B. Go to G.P. library. Finish Betrayal Trauma. Guy comes up to me and lifts my bag. I say, “What are you doing?” He says, “I’m getting my book” which he had left on the table. Order Abused Boys from library staff. Woman taking my order can’t even look at me. Then man who takes over can’t mention the title of the book when I ask if he’s sure he got the right book. Hike thru G.C.P. Run into dog walker with six or so dogs. One big dog looks back at me a few times like he wants to play. #48 to #44 to F.H. K home. As I cross Ocean Avenue towards home, guy smiles at me.

September 14 dream:  Getting ready to do a TV interview with another guy. When the camera gets in closer, you can see both of us but not the person we are to interviewing. I don’t look at all like my waking self. I am 40ish or so with a full head of gray hair. I joke, “If I can’t kiss him [the interviewee], what’s the point?” (h.o.)

September 14 dream:  Go to see 9 p.m. movie about Joseph Campbell or somebody like that. We’re about 45 minutes late. Talk with Katie Porter who I really like. Wish she was my mom. I’m with Chris Hinrichs (someone I consider my first boyfriend). He looks young and great. Had long hair as he did. I wonder how he does it – to look so young and great. I don’t feel so young and great.

September 13, 2023:  in ’til 3:30ish. #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. New barista there. Go to G.P. library. Read more from Betrayal Trauma. Walk thru G.C.P. As I exit, run into Ian from Peet’s, who’s walking a dog. I associate Ian with the Folsom Street Fair (see diary of June 28, 2023) so I take it as a sign that I should go there this Sunday. Go to M.S. See “Haircut Ed.” Check out with Ian. #43 home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: People get the diseases they deserve. Conclusion: Good News! Truth/Mind is immortal, comfortable, affluent, at ease, sound, sane, infinite, invulnerable, communicable and cool.

September 13 dream:  Get in trouble with female co-worker. Am almost fined. (*Relates to email from Visual Rights Group saying I owed them money for copyright infringement from two years ago.)

September 13 dream:  Beth Kuper says to me: “You don’t know the way you pay me” after I ask for her help at the office.

September 12, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Christian, Brandon, Marc at Peet’s. Nice talk with Brandon about his clothing lines “Grim” and “Better Living.” He’s going to L.A. a lot to deal with manufacturing (downtown L.A.) and distribution centers (Melrose and Fairfax). Man walking towards restroom smiles at me. He’s 40ish, heavyish, bearded and I know I am utterly helpless in his presence. I look back and he’s no longer there. Run to catch train to Castro. Woman behind me says, “We made it!” Train to Castro. Walk past 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Walk up 18th Street. Follow guy in short-shorts. Walk up to Market and Corbett and Portola to #48 to Woodside Avenue. Hawk on light pole. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Get in line behind beautiful young man and 80-ish looking woman.

September 12 dream:  In L.A. trying to get team(?) together. Not interested in whether they are Jewish or not. (h.o.)

September 12 dream:  Go to my old work place. Take blue file cabinet home with me. Don’t feel too guilty about it.

September 11, 2023:  In ’til 2ish. Take K to Castro. Then #35 to Noe Valley. Have acupuncture appointment at 3 p.m. At and of session, I am reminded ot the two old ladies who were our caregivers after my mother’s death. It had been a family joke that my father had gotten rid of the first caregiver since she had the hots for him. Today, I began to doubt that story. What if my father got rid of Lydia ’cause she was aware of what was going on between me and my father. (*Relates to dream of September 9 of homeless guy guiding me home? Me being homeless, too, now that my mother, my father and now the caregiver who I liked were gone.) #35 to G.P. Go to C.B. Barista there very nice to me. Freaks me out a bit. Have chocolate chip cookie. Go to G.P. library. As I walk to seat, young guy smiles at me. (*I think in agreement with the insight about my caregiver.) Read more from Betrayal Trauma. Walk thru G.C.P. Dog barks viciously at me. (*Also relates to my insight about my caregivers?) #48 to #36 to F.H. K home. Pick up repaired shoes.

September 11 dream:  Clear pool of water.

September 11 dream:  Go over to Berkeley to eat. Go to popular place. When I get there the line is gone but so is the food that’s prepared. Try to figure out what to order.

September 10, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Take K to Castro. Ian,Kai, barista at Peet’s. Read more from Betrayal Trauma. Train to Castro. Get on board with tall, well-built skimpily-dressed guy. I get off at Castro. He continues on. Pass 440 Club. See Namantha go into his resto. Walk up 18th Street to Market to Corbett to Portola to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen” and Ian. “Sir Allen” had just cut off nearly all his hair. I say, “You got a haircut.” He says, “Yeah.” #52 to F.H. Driver wishes me a good evening as I exit from the rear door. K home. Question: Do I have multiple personalities?

September 9, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to San Jose Avenue. J to G.P. Go to C.B. Jordan is wearing his CSU shirt. Go to G.P. library. Read more from Betrayal Trauma. #35 to Castro. Walk down Castro. Pass 440 Club. See Namantha sitting and talking with fellow waiters at outside table. Walk back up Castro on sunny side. Take K home.

September 9 dream:  Homeless guy tries to help other homeless guy get to where he needs to be. But first he tries to help me home after big earthquake and even bigger reaction to the earthquake.

September 8, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Catch eye of cute, dark-haired young guy as I board. When he deboards, he looks back at me. Nedim and Ian at Peet’s. Have unsweetened matcha frappe. After, talk with “Save” at newsstand. He tells me Trump is a businessman and shouldn’t be president. He tells me he was 12 years old when the “Arab Spring” began in Tunisia, his country. I tell him about the BBC series “Blue Planet.” Train to Castro. Older tourist asks me which way is the Mission? Walk up Corbett. Homeless guy asks me directions to Haight Street. #52 to F.H. Really cute Japanese kid on #52. Take S to W.P. so I can sit near cute Asian guy on S. Then catch K home. Have chocolate cookies in p.m. Insight: Realize that I eat sweets to show my father who’s the boss of this body. Memory: Feel bad about disappointing wild-haired blond guy and leather jacket guy on CalTrain back in ’93.

September 8 dream:  Sit with my new boyfriend at Southern fried sea food place

September 7, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. #49 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Then to G.P. library. Read from Betrayal Trauma for an hour or so. Then exit library. Follow cute guy as I exit. I lose him but catch #35 to Castro. As I deboard bus, woman passenger says, “Have a nice evening.” Walk up Castro. Pass Namantha’s resto and 440 Club. Then decide to take train to F.H. Guy smiles at me as he exits train. Turns me around. So I walk up Corbett Avenue. Guy cruises me and vice versa. Trip on sidewalk. Stern woman. Catch #37 at Romain Street. Sit across from young woman who is sort of flirting with me. Get off at Burnett and walk to M.S. Check out with Ian who calls me “Sir.” “Sir Allen” is busy. Third worker there I run into in the men’s room and as I exit store. Go to burrito place. Ian goes there also. #43 to F.H. K home. Sit next to guy who stares at me before he exits train.

September 7 dream:  Woman who worked with Dick Clark. Tearing tiles apart.

September 6, 2023:  High Watch Translation Service request for at least three Prosperos students who attended Assembly in Oklahoma City and got COVID. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Valentine, Bruce at Peet’s. Talk with “Save” from local newsstand after. He speaks French, Arabic, English, etc. He’s from Tunisia. Is studying mechanical engineering. Wants to build something on the Moon. After our conversation, I follow cute guy walking up Ulloa. He seems to disappear. Feel “shitty” so decide to take K home. Feel sexy at home. Decide to eat some more chocolate cookies. Realize my pelvic pain may be my body’s warning sign that feeling sexy may be dangerous. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Sometimes being beautiful, being attractive, can be dangerous. Conclusion: Being powerful is beautiful.  Being beautiful is powerful.

September 6 dream:  I’m leaving home for good. Laurie, my stepsister, is making comments about my pants. She says, “Who was the first person to comment on them?” Finally, I say, “Stop it! Stop it!” and push myself away from her.

September 6 dream:  Work in horrible prison cafeteria. Load 20 sandwiches and don’t ask any questions.

September 5, 2023:  In ’til 1:30ish. Take K to Castro. #24 to Noe Valley for 2:30 acupuncture appointment. Nice session. Walk from Liam’s at 24th and Diamond all the way to G.P. Go to C.B. Then Vietnamese sandwich place. Cute worker there. Eat my tofu banh mi leaning up against the wall outside resto. Then go to G.P. library. As I exit, see cute guy smiling at my grouchy librarian friend. I notice his better mood. Walk outside. See hot young guy with bike. He smiles at me. I think, “He’s way out of my league” but I follow him anyway. He walks his bike around BART plaza. Then crosses over to Muni stop where I was headed. He disappears around the corner. I wait for #23. Then he appears again without his bike. He passes by me and smiles again. He goes into local liquor store. I follow him from a distance. Then he crosses over Bosworth and heads into burrito place, I think. I go into burrito place. He’s not there but I do catch the eye of very attractive Latino worker who, I think, was the reason I was led there. (*Relates to last dream of September 2, I think.) Couldn’t find original guy in burrito place or bar next door. Take #36 to F.H. Then K home. Stop by W.F. Talk to W.F. worker about my camera. I’d seen her before, I think. Buy some chocolate cookies. I think, “I did good. I don’t care what you think.”

September 5 dream:  Dream of being happy with The Prosperos.

September 4, 2023:  Sleep in ’til 1:30 p.m. Insight: Self-pain reflects my role in the family? In ’til 3ish. K to Castro. Get text message from Liam that he has to cancel my acupuncture appointment today. I walk past 440 Club. See Namantha smiling as he waits on outside table. (*Relates to slow walking mouse from hier?) Take train back to W.P. Valentine, Nedim at Peet’s. Walk to Dinosaurs Sandwiches on Ocean. Take K home. Really tired today.

September 4 dream:  “Emma’s Friends” — A bunch of people dressed as snakes in a garden. One tries to rape a female snake. Then someone reminds them who they are: Emma’s Friends. So they knock it off.

September 4 dream:  A gay … invites young man over for dinner. Host imagines holding guest over a cliff just to check his heart rate. I hope he does. Host imagines guest has a weapon but he doesn’t. Then one of the other guests attacks him with an L-shaped bar. While he’s fighting him, he calls out, “Nancy, wake up!” Later the guy is okay and walks around kind of dazed.

September 3, 2023:  in ’til 4ish. K to W.P. Run into Joan again on the K. We talk about where she lives in the Tenderloin which is close to where I used to live. Kai, Valentine, barista at Peet’s. Talk with Kai about his 3-minute movie assignment. Talk with Valentine briefly. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. See Namantha eating at outside table and smiling into his phone. Walk up 18th Street to Corbett. See little mouse walking casually in front of me on sidewalk. Miss #52. Catch #48 and #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Ask guy where the fake meat is. He smiles, “You mean, plant-based meat?” I say, “Yeah.” Check out with Cole. We touch fingers.

September 3 dream:  Submit revised photo caption of Mark Hamill lookalike.

September 3 dream:  Newly married couple. Man wearing casual while outfit. Woman in bright red dress.

September 2, 2023:  Hear noise from upstairs. Later see that she has moved out. Rent there is $3,075 per month for 493 sq. ft. studio, the same size and shape as mine. Noticed two bicycles on her balcony a few days earlier. In ’til 3:30ish. K to Balboa Station. Just miss J to G.P. So I walk to Santa Rosa Avenue. Realize I have a few minutes before J arrives so I go to liquor store to buy Chron. Am in line behind cute young blond with saggy pants and tight blue underpants. I waited ’til he left store before I followed him out. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Take J to G.P. Jordan at C.B. We have nice talk. Go to lightG.P. library. Then #23 to haircut with Jun. Great to see him again. We talked about home he bought in Antioch for $550,000. After, shop at Safeway. #43 home.

September 2 nap dream:  I have to get help with final problem before school closes down for the year. HughJohn not very helpful.

September 2 dream:  I’m trying to finish up my last night. My light is on. Someone from below yells up, “Johnson!” I turn my light off. Hope he doesn’t notice.

September 2 dream:  Angela Lansbury practically getting on me. Try to sell her diorama of her and someone else reading.

September 2 dream:  Volunteer at City Hall. Not sure what I’m supposed to do. City Manager says I should go to Room Y7 which Is at the far end of the building. I am carrying some leaves and hidden under the leaves is a rabbit. The corridor I’m on doesn’t go all the way through so I have to go down to the basement.

September 1, 2023:  Bills. Monthly BB. Jerk off. In ’til 4ish. K to W.P. Valentine, Marc, barista at Peet’s. Take train to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Walk up 18th Street to Market. Feel “shitty.” Take L back to Castro. K back home. Stop by W.F. Check out with Cole. He’s wearing loose-fitting acid-washed jeans. Go home. Take shits. Online work. Jerk off again.

September 1 dream:  The CIA is after me and evey time I think I am safe, they kill off my current secretary.

August 31, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. #29 and J to G.P. Sit next to beautiful Asian guy on #29 and across from beautiful white guy on J. Go to C.B. Find post-it note on the ground which says, “Joey was God.” Try to catch up with blond guy walking his dog as I exit. Then G.P. library. Read more from Recovered Memories of Abuse. Take #52 to F.H. Then K home. Stop at W.F. Check out with Allen. Walk to Vietnamese place. Take photo of new “El Rey” tower. Walk home. See “Golden Opportunity.” Suzanne D. emails that she likes my sense testimony from August 30. I reply: “It pretty much defines my relationship with my father.”

August 31 dream:  Walk thru water in swimming pool to get light replacement. Guy jokes about cute guy with … who’s standing next to us.

August 31 dream:  A child’s musical about giving up the old universe for a new one. Though we can keep the Sun if we want.

August 30, 2023:  in ’til 4ish. Walk out back way. I immediately run into Jesse with a dog and a male friend. He looks great. Haven’t seen him since July 26, I think. We talk briefly. I ask him if he’s still living in the neighborhood. He says, “They’ll have to pry me out of my house.” Later see my shirtless Asian friend and run into Joan as she is exiting W.G. We take K together and continue our conversation from two days ago. She tells me she wants to write a book about her “bad memories” from Keystone Way, where she was brought up. I tell her I’m writing a book, too. Ian, Nedim, Valentine, Marc at Peet’s. Take train to Castro. Exit with cute young bleached-blond guy. See Scott Wiener entering station as we are exiting. I follow blond guy to Muni stop on Castro and he lifts up his shirt for me. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Pass 440 Club. Pass Namantha smiling and talking with two fellow waiters. Walk all the way to G.P library. Get phone call from PDA. Guy asks me if I could take the call in other room. Turns out he’s just a Karen. Accidentally take book home with me without checking it out. #23 and #43 home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Some leaders require obsequious obedience. Conclusion: Truth is unpretentious obedience to Itself.

August 30 dream:  Excited about merging plant and animal life, botany and biology in our new book. Book title: “Your Botany Ate My Biology” Alternative title: “The Hair on My Ass is Grass.”

August 30 dream:  On top floor of building. Water begins to rise. Building begins to slide into the water.

August 29, 2023:  Dropped photography class this a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Walk to G.C.P. Feel shitty. Take shits at G.P. Recreation Center. Walk thru lower G.C.P. Land hard on my right foot. #48 to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to shoe repair place. Discover great pair of shoes in my closet which still have plenty of wear in them. Hot guy at Brighton and Ocean. I hang out on corner ’til he gets picked up. Go to Beep’s. Buy $8.92 root beef float. Leave $2 tip for cute guy there. Follow other cute guy into Pakwan resto. Hold door for him. He smiles at me. Confront neighbor with yapping dog. I say, “Can you shut your dog up?” She says, “I don’t like your tone so I won’t close my window.” I say, “Then I guess ll have to report you.“ Later the dog stops yapping. (*Relates to riders confronting obnoxious guy hier on #24 bus?) Feeling better today.

August 29 dream:  Trying to clean up message so I can have sex.

August 29 dream:  Plotters were prevented from blowing up the ship with cargo on board.

August 29 dream:  Packing up. Getting ready to go.

August 28, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. K to Castro. Buy Chron at W.G. #24 to Noe Valley. Relaxing acupuncture appointment with Liam. Take #24 back to Castro. Obnoxious guy kicked off the bus by public consensus and the bus driver. Go to Peet’s. Then K to Jules. Notice that under the scaffolding on the El Rey tower a new “El Rey” sign has been pained in blue with white backdrop on both sides. Stop by Java Hut. Woman owner smiles at me as she exits cafe. Then go to Vietnamese sandwich place. Then walk home. Still sick-ish.

August 28 dream:  Get call from Maureen Malanaphy that one of the Malanaphy’s is in jail. I get HughJohn Malanaphy on the phone. He refuses to tell me what’s happening. I say, “I don’t get many of these calls for help any more, so I don’t want to fuck this up.”

August 27, 2023:  Discover “Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn” article on WebMD. Good to find verification of what I experienced on August 13 at Castro Station. Post the article on the BB. In ’til 3ish. Take K to W.P. Run into Joan from Ocean Avenue W.G. She tells me her mother died in July and her brother kicked her out of their house on Keystone Way off Ocean Avenue. As I exited at W.P. station, she said there were a lot of bad memories in that house. Also she said she saw me at Van Ness and Market on August 25 and that I was wearing red. She was sure it was me. I was nowhere near there on that day, though I was wearing my red pants on that day. Go to Peet’s. Christian, Bruce, Kai, Ian at Peet’s. Friend of Kai’s smiles at me. So I talk to him on my way out. He’s an engineering student at SFSU and a photographer on the side. He says I should look for Adobe Darkroom and always keep my ISO at 1. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Get help from “Sir Allen” finding chopped fruit and soap. Check out with “Haircut Ed” #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F.

August 27 dream:  Standing at railing. At first afraid somebody would push me over. Then realizing that they were my friends.

August 26, 2023:  In ’til 4:30ish. K to W.P. Kai, Christian, and Ian at Peet’s. Feel kind of weak so I head home. See cute Asian guy waiting for train at W.P. Station. He sort of smiles at me. We both take the K. I stand near him. Crazy black guy walking up and down the aisle. Crazy guy gets off at Jules. My friend and I both get off at Miramar. My friend walks up Miramar. I walk down Ocean. Stop in Java Hut. I ask guy how late they are open. He says, “7:30. So you still have an hour and a half.” I say, “I’ll return.” Go to Vietnamese sandwich place. Take K back to Lee. Stop in at W.F. See Cole at checkout stand. By the time I’m ready to check out, he’s gone. Shits at about 9:30 p.m.

August 26 dream:  Take streetcar. End up in Montparnasse quatier of Paris.

August 25, 2023:  Tough nite last nite. Too hot to sleep. Guy drinking beer below my window at 4:15 a.m. in ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Go to C.B. It’s too hot. So I go to G.P. library. Look for bus to take me home. #35 and #23 are both arriving about the same time. I say to myself, “Whichever one gets here first, I’l take.” Surprisingly, #35 arrives first so I take it to the Castro. Walk up Castro Street. See Namantha sitting at outside table looking like he doesn’t want to talk with anybody. So I pass him by. Guy givers me penetrating look in front of 440 Club. Take K to W.P. Stop by Peet’s. Nedim and 3 or 4 new baristas who I don’t know yet. K home. Stop by W.F. See bag boy I want to connect with so I get in his line. A few days earlier he was also my bag boy but he didn’t even look at me. Today I asked checkout person Jeff where the butter is for future reference. Allen, the bag boy, offered to show me. So he led me to the butter case and I thanked him. Cole was at the next check out station. Coming down with cold. Got sick after Thursday Photography class. Felt both desired and trapped by girl who helped me find class and who I sat next to. Felt both powerful and trapped in an environment where I was totally lost. So this was not an explicit memory of what happened with me and my father but it was an implicit memory of how things felt. (*Relates to Jeffrey guy I ran into on Diamond Street on August 17?)

August 25 dream:  Go into cafe where I work. Guy tells me he met a man named “Sheldon.” He says, “You can’t possibly know him.” That means he’s going to have to tell our friend Sheldon about it.

August 25 dream:  Prosperos week. Talk with Al Haferkamp

August 25 dream:  Our car in impounded in L.A.

August 24, 2023:  In ’til 1ish. Go to HC 202 for Photography class. No one is there. Girl and I run around CCSF campus trying to figure out where the class is. Finally find it. It’s very hot and very confusing. After class, go home. Online work. Take nap. Bolt upright. Start to threw up. (*Relates to Monday’s acupuncture session?)

August 23, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Stand in line to take K downtown. Instead, I follow cute guy who sort of smiles at me onto crowded #29. Later he gives me cold look. But I do make contact with student exiting at SFSU stop. Take M to Powell. Walk thru new IKEA store. Then walk up Market to Peet’s. See “Hoolahoop” on crossword. Then go to Eureka library. It’s too hot so I take #35 to G.P. Go to library there. Read more from The Heart in Exile. #44 to F.H. Black lady bus driver wishes me a good day as I exit from the rear door of bus. K home.

August 23 dream:  TV show “Taxi” episode in which guest star imitates one of the main characters remarkably well.

August 23 dream:  At governor’s award ceremony, they are speaking about the governor of Texas. I am also about to receive an award.

August 23 dream:  Prosperos Assembly from about 10 years ago. Guy being saved from too much television.

August 22, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Take K to Castros. Sit next to young guy who looks sort of like JFK, Jr. He gets off at F.H. with a smirk on his face. Go to Castro. Catch #35 to 18th Street. Buy Chron at G.W. #24 to Noe Valley. Guy who reminds me of Namantha smiles at me. Acupuncture appointment with Liam. Doze off in lobby beforehand. Have pleasant conversation with somebody in my mind, similar to what happened on June 19. Bolt upright about midway thru session. Apparently this is not my last session as I had thought. They will go on ’til I no longer need them, I guess. #24 back to Castro. Go to Peet’s on Market. Guy wearing IKEA T-shirt. We talk briefly. Go to Eureka library. Read from The Heart in Exile. It mentions Kenneth Walker’s (Thane’s?) book The Physiology of Sex. Walk to Castro Station. S to F.H. Guy smiles at me. Later I realize he’s probably on a GRINDr date. Walk to M.S. Cute young guy at M.S. who I follow around the store for a while. Then guy at burrito place who got in line in front of me just to show off his butt, I think. #43 to F.H. See “Go For Broke” on crossword puzzle. K home.

August 22 dream:  Getting ready for the big wedding. We’re very intense at first.

August 22 dream:  Book proposal meeting. I say, “If you want to get in touch with me, I’ll be right here making history.”

August 22 dream:  Climbing steps in big rally for Bernie.

August 22 dream:  Hear doorbell.

August 21, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to Balboa Station. Follow cute high school student. He gets off K and passes thru pedestrian prohibited pathway. I follow him. We both stop at San Jose Avenue J stop. Black kid drops something in the street. Then joins the high school student. I notice the object. Give it to black kid. When I get on J, high school student does not board but he has a new countenance. Go to G.P. Go to C.B. Jordan is there. He’s wearing his mother’s CSU shirt. Walk thru G.C.P. though I toy with the idea of just taking the #52 directly from G.P. Run into cute little boy wearing “Michigan” T-shirt and his mother outside Sean’s old place. We talk briefly. They live nearby. Catch #52 on Portola to F.H. K home. Sit across the way from attractive guy who I later realized was probably on a GRINDr date. Walk thru W.F. Meet guy wearing crocs in Avalon elevator. Also fat kid eating.

August 21 nap dream:  “The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming!”

August 21 dream:  Get in fight with cat. When I sit, it sinks its claws into me. I give back in kind. Later try to help the royal house open up its gay wing again.

August 21 dream:  Guy reminiscing about his … made him harder.

August 21 dream:  I have on all-blue work outfit for tomorrow. The store is selling blue and yellow work outfits. Hope mine I okay

August 20, 2023:  Walk up at 11 a.m. Take nap from 2-3:30. In ’til 4ish. K to W.P. Nedim, Bruce, Ian, Lou Lou at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Start to check out with “Sir Allen” but he leaves his stand shortly after I get there. #44 to F.H. K home. Get off at St. Francis Place after seeing beautiful young guy going the other way. When my train (and his) leave, he’s gone. So I walk to Vietnamese place on Ocean. Get tofu banh mi and walk home. Catch the eye of beautiful face going into Poke Bowl. Stop at W.F. Home.

August 20 dream:  Jonathan Flynn (Sarah’s son) gets in touch with HughJohn.

August 20 dream:  VA wants me to get second Covid shot. I don’t think so.

August 20 dream:  Flight to Las Vegas. On landing, we head straight down, then levels off. Flight attendant mentions Allah. Will fly on from there.

August 20 dream:  David Weinman goes to Zoom meeting in Marin County after work.

August 19, 2023:  Get up really early (for me) at about 6 a.m. and can’t get back to sleep. Nervous about trip to Vallejo. Work online. In ’til 9ish. K to Ferry Building. Wait for John F. Ferry leaves at 11:20 a.m. John arrives about 11:21 a.m. So we walk around for a while waiting for the next ferry at 1:40 p.m. Homeless guy comes up to us and says, “Everything happens for a reason.” We get on 1:40 ferry. Really nice ride. Beautiful man with black shirt, white pants, white shoes and white ear buds. When I walk to back bench on poop deck, he makes room for me. As we disembark, I make myself small for him and follow him closely ’til he walks one way and we walk the other. Go to fish ‘n chips resto. Flirt briefly with gay waiter there. A little overpriced at $20. We sit outside in the wind. Rush back to return ferry which is a newer boat and pretty empty. I sit in the back poop deck again and watch the powerful wake of the ferry. (John sits inside.) I relax and lean back to take it in as did my white-shoed friend on the incoming ferry. I am the first off board. John takes bus home. I walk up Market to Van Ness. What a mess (other then the new IKEA store). Take K to Castro. Shirtless runner follows along even after I get off the trolley at 16th and Noe. So I figure I should follow him to the Castro. Go to W.G. Buy Chorn. Walk past Namantha’s resto and 440 Club. See empty #35 bus to G.P. so I get on. Go to G.P. Get on #23 and #43 home. Stop off at W.F. Buy pint of chocolate ice cream. See W.F. worker writing at outside table. Want to speak with him but can’t think of anything to say. Finally he says, “Did you forget something?” I say, Yes.” And we begin talking. He asks me how old I am. I say, “77.” He asks me what I’ve learned so far in life. I say, “Sometimes we experience trauma as a child which we are not able to cope with so we repress it. As we grow older, this is the time to deal with those traumas.” He says he thinks it all comes down to God and Satan. I say, “I think Satan is our misinterpretation of God.” He agrees. His name is Freddie. He’s 20ish. Go home. Eat ice cream. Take 4 hour nap. Memory: Remember going to Park Theater in Menlo Park as an 8-year-old and being in the lobby with my father and admitting to him that not only did I throw up but I also pooped in my pants at he same time.  Hoping he wouldn’t hit me. Insight: If my father is sadistic, what about “Our Father”? If my father strikes me for kissing Kathy W, what will “Our Father” do to me  for having a good time? Is that what my pelvic pain is about? Me causing myself pain so “Our Father” doesn’t have to?

August 19 nap dream:  Find $100 bill in my wallet. (*Relates to my idea assuming that God, the Father, would act like my biological father?)

August 19 dream:  Dream of ice cubes.

August 18, 2023:  In ’til 3:15ish. #29 to San Jose Avenue. See beautiful guy I want to follow so I get off bus and catch up with him on Geneva Street. He’s not so interesting to me so I continue to Muni stop on San Jose Avenue. Run into beautiful young man who is interesting to me. Train arrives. I ask him, “Is this the J?” He says, “Yes.” I get on. He waits for the K, I guess. Go to G.P. Jordan at C.B. He tells me about 10 hour per week auto painting class at CCSF that he’s going to have to drop. I say goodbye as I leave, but he’s dealing with a customer. Go to G.P. library. Almost finish Unchained Memories. Walk thru G.C.P. See guy in front of door on Amber Drive. Later catch up with him on his way to Portola Drive Muni stop. #52 is arriving. I look to him to see if it’s worth me skipping this bus and talking with him instead. He doesn’t look up so I catch #52 to F.H. Eye contact with guy on F.H. steps. K home. Buy Vietnamese sandwich on Ocean. Cute guy outside 24 Hour Fitness. Later guy with uniquely nice odor passes me  on his way to W.G. Two views for this online diary today. At night, lights go on and wake me up. Then go off.

August 17, 2023:  In ’til 3:45ish. Two separate guys on the street say hi to me. K to W.P. Valentine, Christian, Bruce, Nedim, former barista at Peet’s. Nice talk with Valentine about her interest in zoology and possibly interning with S.F. Zoo or San Diego Zoo. Go to W.P. library. Read from Unchained Memories. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Keep walking up Castro all the way to G.P. On way down Diamond Street, man resembling my hypnotherapist, Jeffrey, smiles at me. Wait for #23. Meet young man with suitcase who says he’s going to Madrid tomorrow for four years, studying there. When #36 arrives, I wish him “Buena Suerte.” Get off at Foerster. See Jun outside his salon. I’ve been avoiding him since December of 2022. But couldn’t very well do so today. So I went up to him and we began talking. He is wife joined us and he gave me a ride home in his new Chevy Volt. I love him but he’s very locked down emotionally, bordering on being sadistic. Go to W.F. Check out with Harrold.

August 17 dream:  New filing system now being taught takes a lot of facts out of the files. People are upset about it.

August 17 dream:  Riding back from Ashland, several dogs bite at me. One little boy bounces on top of me.

August 17 dream:  I see Carol Carter in movie. After, I go up to her and say, “Nice to see you in my movie. Will this be your last appearance?” She says, “Yes.”

August 16, 2023:  Hear crow during the night from my bed. In ’til 3:30ish. K and J to G.P. Go to C.B. New barista there. Read from Unchained Memories. Go to G.P. library. Nice male librarian with big white teeth smiles at me. Read more from Unchained Memories, especially the idea that on-going sexual abuse can be condensed into one memory. (*This idea was so profound to me that it relates, I think, to my shits of hier as I was leaving home.) Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. Talk briefly with “Sir Allen” and Ian. #44 to F.H. K home. Insight: Feel brief fear of aloneness of a life without my father (and without John).

August 16 dream:  I tried to leave work early. Women taking shower in front of everybody.

August 16 dream:  New possibly dangerous job. Guy shows me colorful greeting cards, his and mine. The text is in French. The design seems Japanese.

August 16 dream:  Practice run to 12th floor for when I have to do it for real. Little kids running down steps. One trips a bit.

August 16 dream:  Go into law office on my day off. I’m wearing white shirt. Woman is attracted to me. Reading legal paper about people not wanting to watch Seinfeld. (h.o.)

August 16 dream:  Going to meet with the Russians.

August 15, 2023:  Shits at 3:30ish as I’m leaving home. K to W.P. Brandon, Christian, Marc at Peet’s. Brandon got his haircut today and wanted to know what I thought. I thought it looked great. Evan comes in again today. He’s wearing a T-shirt with “June 25, 1996” on the back. He’s with his girlfriend, I guess. He doesn’t see me today either. Talking with Brandon on the way out, I catch myself smirking when he mentions going back to CCSF. (*Just like I did with Sir Allen when he talked about going to CCSF on July 29.) Go to W.P. library. Read more from “Unchained Memories.” Train to Castro. Go to Vietnamese resto to try their Vietnamese sandwich. It’s not very good, but the waiter was worth the visit. Eat it at 18th & Castro. Walk up Castro. See Namantha being lectured to by his boss outside his resto. Go to Castro Station, Decide to go back to Namantha’s resto to make contact with him. He asks me what I want. I say, “What do you suggest?” He says, “The salmon.” It’s really great. After, he says, “Do you want any dessert”? I say, “I don’t think so.” Later his partner gives me my bill. On the bottom of the receipt I write, “Namantha is a great asset to this cafe.” K home. W.F. New shoes arrive.

August 15 dream:  Get serviced by guy from two different countries.

August 15 dream:  Blacksmith-type guy wearing nothing but a brief apron talking about owning his garage. Walking up path, some horses fighting block my path, One of the horses turned out to be a human friend of mine. It’s raining in London. A friend of mine is telling me about going to Chico State.

August 14, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Ian, barista, Nedim at Peet’s. Evan comes in to say goodbye and maybe pick up his check. He didn’t see me. Go to W.P. library. Check in with cute Asian guy with thick-framed glasses even though woman next to him was trying to get me to check in with her. Finish 3rd chapter of Unchained Memories. Catch the eye of 2nd cute Asian librarian. Train to Castro. Sit near interesting young man. We both get off at Castro. I make sure he knows I notice him. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Walk up 18th Street, Corbett. Guy in open garage on Corbett gives me interesting look. Portola to #44 to F.H. K home. Get off at Jules. Buy Vietnamese sandwich for 2nd day in a row. Walk home. See gray figure at Metro stop out of the corner of my eye. Think I should look directly at this figure. When I do, she looks directly at me. She is a stylish older lady with long gray hair in a gray outfit. I continued up Ocean Avenue. Handsome bicyclist in hoodie half-smiles at me as he passes. Was it John? Don’t know.

August 14 dream:  Artistic army is going to do a violent act of revenge on somebody. I tell Jimmie Dore, “I think it’s bitter.”

August 14 dream:  Special revolutionary being guided by esoteric forces.

August 14 dream:  Friend from Europe seems to be a man and a woman. It’s a 3-way marriage. “Walgreens” on the news.

August 13, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Evan, Christian, Bruce at Peet’s. It’s Evan’s last day before he heads off to Puget Sound U. I wish him well. Train to Castro. Young woman with beautiful breasts sits across from me. Walk down Castro. See beautiful man walk out of W.G. So I walk back up Castro. Pass Namantha talking outside his resto with fellow waiters. Pass 440 Club again. Decide to go to Peet’s to finish Chapter 2 of Unchained Memories. After, I walk to Castro Station. Feel choking sensation. Black guy enters station beside me. He feels dangerous. I walk slowly down steps hoping he will pass, but he doesn’t. When I look around, he’s no longer there. I’m wearing my red pants and feel sudden urge to have somebody take my pants down and fuck me (like my father did, I suppose). I mentally call out to John above. (*Relates to 1st dream of August 11 of somebody trying to let me out of the closet.) Is this memory the cause of my pelvic pain? Is this the shameful memory I’m trying to hide from myself? Is this my “unchained memory”? K home. Buy Vietnamese sandwich on Ocean Avenue. Go to W.F. Cute guy shows me the way to cranberry juice. Check out with Harrold (with two “r”s). See “John Who” in p.m.

August 13 dream:  Hard-on dream about Thane.

August 13 dream:  Nancy did something new to somebody. I stay on at their place. I take shower in a.m. but the tub is full of water. Lots of cockroaches near toothbrush in Laurie’s sink. I say to Laurie, “How’s Nancy?” She says, “She’s pretty talkative.”

August 12, 2023:  in ’til 3ish. #49 and J to G.P. Jordan subdued at C.B. My apprehensions were needless. Go to G.P. library. Read Unchained Memories there for a bit. As I leave library, #35 is rounding the corner. I rush to get on. Walk up Castro. See Namantha smilingly waiting on outdoor table of about five. Then two dogs get in fight just before I pass 440 Club. Walk up Market to M.S., following guy who turned out to be homeless, I think. Talk briefly with Sir Allen. I ask him if they have Vietnamese sandwiches at M.S. He says he wished they did. Get burrito at burrito place. #48 to W.P. Cute young man helps me pull front seat down. K home.

August 12 dream:  Movie poster I am working on: “Solve the Oedipal Conflict”

August 12 dream:  Lots of … in my new apartment. They are painting the hallways yellow. I wonder if they’ll paint over any cockroaches. Woman says there are too many Kings here. Doctor comes in. I pick up his clipboard and say, “It looks like the patient will survive.”

August 11, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #29 to Church Street. Follow cute guy down Church Street Catch J to G.P. Jordan at C.B. I ask him if he closes at 6 p.m,, knowing that they close at 5. he says, “We close at 5, but I’ll be there ’til 6.” (*Relates to older, shirtless runner atP. on August 8 who says, “Thanks. Enjoy.”) Tell Jordan I’ll see him tomorrow. Go to G.P. library. Walk to G.C.P. See jumping happy dog on my way to taking a shit at Glen Park Recreation Center. Walk thru lower level of G.C.P. Not my usual route. #44 to F.H. K home. Sit near cute guy who seemed familiar. (*Relates to Asian guy from June 27?) I followed him off the K to Phelan Loop where he waits for #8. I tie my shoelaces next to where he’s sitting. Then walk home.

August 11 dream:  People are very nice to me in this house, but somebody has locked me in a closet while somebody else is trying to get me loose.

August 11 dream:  Go to house in Castro with two animal doctors..

August 10, 2023:  Think about kissing John. Get anonymous call. In ’til 3:45ish. Ian, Kai, Nedim and Bruce at Peet’s. Talk with Kai about Barbie movie. Insight for Translators: Sometimes it may be more interesting and effective to Translate, not the objective sense testimony, but the subjective sense testimony. Was about to Translate my desire to move to a new place. Then realized maybe I should Translate what within me wants to move to a new place and why. Go to W.P. library. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola to #52 to F.H. K home. Insight: Reason John and I are “entangled” is ’cause I came from God and he is a god, or at least he is to me.

August 10 dream:  Person’s public success may jeopardize his private relationship.

August 10 dream:  Waiting for my boat to arrive at side of the street. I see it coming and I have to swim rapidly over big body of water so I don’t miss it. I make it to the line in time. Almost knock over nerdy Asian guy who I get behind.

August 10 dream:  See police. They begin talking with car full of black low-lives. They are yelling at each other. I try to run down steps, but can only walk in slow motion.

August 9, 2023:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3:45ish. At Ingleside library, female librarian who I’ve never liked says to me, referring to my camera, “Take good pictures.” K to W.P. Brandon at Peet’s. We talk about A Haunted House movie which he saw. He hasn’t seen Barbenheimer yet. Feel “shitty” again so I walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Take shits as soon asa I get home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: I need to hold back the expression of my power ’cause it might be threatening to my father. Conclusion: Truth is the unrestrained expression of the immeasurable power of harmonious liquid being.

August 9 dream:  Voice says, “Do you think it’s a coincidence?”

August 8, 2023:  See text message from Jonathan (Sarah’s son) early in a.m. I respond via text and phone later in a.m. (*Relates to circling hawk from August 5, I think.) In ’til 3ish. K and J to G.P. Shirtless black skateboarder at Balboa Skatepark. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Check out with my surly gay friend. Walk thru G.C.P. I step aside for older, shirtless runner. He says, “Thanks. Enjoy.” Go to M.S. Check out with Ian and Izzy, short for Isabel. #44 to F.H. K home.

August 8 dream:  Interrogatories prepared for latest legal case. (h.o.)

August 8 dream:  Few straggling cockroaches left.

August 8 dream:  At my art studio, walls being painted white. I’m wearing towel around my naked body.

August 7, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nedim there. Read more from The Body Keeps Score. Feel “shitty” so decide to walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Have “fried chicken” at 21 Taste House on Ocean Avenue. Then go to W.F. Beautiful man ordering sandwich. I speak briefly with him. See my part-time bakery friend talking with somebody else. Check out with Jeff.

August 7 dream:  House completely remodeled. Lots of dust balls around. People are blaming me.

August 7 dream:  “No ma bois rien.” “No have drink.” I say in unison with Nannie, my father’s mother.

August 6, 2023:  Watch Helen Caldicott Zoom in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Ian, Nedim, Marc at Peet’s. Read from The Body Keeps The Score. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Walk up 18th Street, Corbett, Portola to three young skateboarders at Burnett. They ask me to take a photo of them jumping, which I do. They ask to see the photo. I couldn’t figure out how to access the photo but I told them I’d print it on ZontaPhotos.com Walk to M.S. Check out with Ian. Ask him if he knows how to get access to photo I just took. Then I figure it out myself. I show it to Ian. I am so excited, not only that I figured out how to view the photo, but also how great it turned out. So I walk all the way back to Portola and Burnett with groceries in hand, and my young friends are still there. So I show them the photo. They ask me to take some more photos, which I do. They don’t turn out as well. #37 bus arrives and they all jump on board. One of them, the cutest one, gives me a fist bump. I take #52 to F.H. K home.

August 6 dream:  Large inspect flies onto the bridge of my nose.

August 6 dream:  People making and sending me pies. (h.o.) (*Relates to nine diary views on August 7?)

August 6 dream:  Find an apartment in Portland, OR, which is decent and which I can afford. It’s on the 4th floor. I would have preferred the 3rd. Bill Floyd talks about his apartment with several decks.

August 5, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. #49 and J to G.P. Jonathan at C.B. Go to G.P. library. Gay librarian who is very cool to me. Other (older) gay librarian has big smile for me. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk circles around me. Then flies off. Insight: Today I decide to go ahead and fantasize about beating up my father. (*See diary from hier.) It feels really good. Since he was so fond of baseball, I used a baseball bat. #36 to F.H. K home.

August 5 dream:  Tom O. (my brother) and I climbing steps for second time. Tom’s ahead of me. I stop to rest. I’m carrying some baggage.

August 5 dream:  Four lines to see two judges. Woman sits in my lap to progress to next station.

August 5 dream:  Trying to figure out dates of next psychodrama. Tom O. giving em a hard time. Tom C. there as well. Someone suggests Monday and Tuesday instead of the traditional weekend dates. Rick Thomas and I run to kitchen to check calendar.

August 5 dream:  I cook a spinach dish which turns out well. So I make it again. Nice girl there.

August 5 dream:  On bus tour of S.F. Take liking to little black boy. I call him Treat. Then remember his name is Jesse. We pass S.F. institution where women wear “foliage” and spy on people. Men spy on people, too.

August 4, 2023:  In ’til 3:45ish. Feel shitty right before I leave, so take shits. K to W.P. Cute black guy as I exit K. Talk with FarmFreshToYou.com guy on W.P. Avenue. Ian at Peet’s is very nice to me. He exchanges my drink when I told him it tasted funny. Also new gay baristo who is very sweet. And new barista who seems out of her depth. Read more from Trauma and Recovery. Train to Castro. It’s sunny! Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Walk up 18th Street, Corbett, Portola to #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Talk with Virginia. Also friendly new bakery guy who says he’s only there part-time so I’m lucky to catch him. Check out with Cole. His mustache is fully grown but it makes him less attractive, I think. Insight: Pelvic pain relates to my father (within) still trying to hold onto me? Another insight: In Trauma and Recovery book, some women who had been raped fantasize about inflicting pain on their rapists. I’m not comfortable with that ’cause if I disable my father (even in fantasy), I’m out on the street.

August 4 dream:  Stepsister Laurie spending time in the Saratoga house attic. I had forgotten we had an attic [which we didn’t].

August 4 dream:  Someone giving Translation class from 2 to 3 p.m., Monday thru Friday. It was really a letter-writing class. Sarah’s son Andrew [not his real name] wanted to remind me to meet with Sarah to go to a movie on Friday and something else on Saturday. He keeps walking away so I have to follow him thru the class. It makes me laugh. I ask, “Is Sarah okay?” He says, “She’s fine.”

August 4 dream:  “The first day of my life.”

August 4 dream:  “The publication will be on…”

August 4 dream:  Calvin giving big party right after woman’s talk. She asks me, “Are you staying?” He says, “No. I’ll be going, too.” She says, “Calvin’s afraid of raw emotion.”

August 4 dream:  Big Prosperos Assembly. Carol Carter there. Also Amy Cuff. She told me her mother, Betty Cuff, had died the night before. I told her that we meet every week to listen to the 4th Way tapes.

August 4 dream:  I’m supposed to travel up from L.A. to tell the people of S.F. what’s going on at The Prosperos Assembly.

August 3, 2023:  In ’til 3:45ish. Guy on Ocean Avenue compliments me on my red pants. K to W.P. Kai and Bruce at Peet’s. Nice talk with Kai about Oppenheimer movie. Read more from Trauma and Recovery. Take train to Castro. It stops midway at F.H. station. I get off and walk up Woodside Avenue to M.S. Beautiful young dark-haired man and his younger brother and a big dog. I run into young man and his dog in the bread aisle. I say, “Big dog.” He says, “Yeah.” Later I check out with “Sir Allen”. The dog barks nearby. He and I both look over. I say “Big dog.” Sir Allen says, “Yeah.” #44 to F.H. Take train to Castro. It’s also overcast, so I take K home. Insight: Now that I’ve had sex with my father that makes me the “woman of the house” with all the power and prestige that entails. Could my pelvic pain be a manifestation of my guilt over that?

August 3 dream:  Guy comes into room of us renters and prospective renters and says that there’s no money for carpets, no money for curtains, etc.

August 3 dream:  “Saint” congressman wonders if he should get back on the active list. I yell at him, “How high is your IQ?”

August 3 dream:  Working at lab with partner I like.

August 3 dream:  Calvin borrows my black pants. He tries them on with a flourish.

August 3 dream:  Kid giving older guy a blow job. Then kid lies down dead. Then he opens his eyes. Someone says, “The time for giving this kind of service is over.”

August 3 dream:  Parking fancy white car perpendicularly outside of road to our house. Still had a bag of clothes to either give away or throw away.

August 2, 2023:  Call my acupuncturist Liam in a.m. He’s unable to see me for three weeks. Felt like he really didn’t want to see me. Or maybe he’s picking up that I don’t really want to see him again. In ’til 3:45ish. Take K to W.P. Little boy changes seats with his mother so he doesn’t have to sit directly in front of me. His mother says I remind him of his grandfather. Ian and two or three baristas I don’t know at Peet’s. Ian said he missed the Dore Alley Fair on Sunday. I watched video of shirtless guy romping around with loud music. Guy behind me at Peet’s said my external sound was still on. Decide to walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. I’m thinking maybe John is a stand-in for my father. As I think this, I notice someone on adjacent street. He smiles mischievously when I turn around. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: I come from God so I must take myself more seriously than others. Conclusion: Truth is the domestic perspective of weightless, all-seeing, immortal Mind.

August 2 dream:  Dr. Kayser has been taken off the active list for political reasons.

August 2 dream:  Woman looking for something in a gay pick up joint/sauna.

August 2 dream:  A.G. G.A. Munson not selected as mayor of north bay city.

August 2 dream:  In town north of S.F. I had been here before. See gay couple in box sled down hill. Then walk away together later. I am headed in the wrong direction to get back to S.F., I think.

August 1, 2023:  Go to jury duty again at 9:15 a.m. They let us go at 10:45 a.m. Earlier I had Translated “Some people have absolute power over others.” My conclusion: “Truth only has power over Itself.” I felt really great about being let go. Talk briefly with beautiful Asian guy I had been admiring. Walk to Market. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Buy Chron at W.G. #35 to G.P. Go to G.P. library. Go to C.B. Owner and his son there. Read more from Trauma and Recovery. Join conversation with customer after other customer started talking with him. We talk about walking shoes and the heat in Arizona. He goes to ASU and doesn’t think 119 degrees is abnormal for Arizona. Buy Vietnamese sandwich at local resto. #23 and #43 home. Catch up with online work. Take nap in early p.m. Shits in later p.m.

August 1 nap dream:  My father play-stripping me.

August 1 nap dream:  My father asking me sarcastically, “So how much do you make now that you’re doing so well?” I’m cleaning up my things around the house. He talks about other guy who used to live here who made a lot of money.

August 1 nap dream:  The words “open marriage.”

August 1 dream:  I say, “I wasn’t here last month so I don’t know all the people.” (h.o.)

August 1 dream:  Lots and lots of DVDs being divided up among many people, including me. For big sale, I think.

August 1 dream:  Handsome guy is pregnant.

July 31, 2023:  Go to jury duty again at 9:30 a.m. Alone in elevator going up. The doors won’t close. Handsome, biracial guy comes in. He says, “Are you going up?” I say, ‘I hope so.” The doors close after he gets in. I say, “I guess it was waiting for you.” As he gets off on 2nd floor, he says, “Thank you.” Jury selection from 10 a.m. to 4:15 p.m. Still not done. Have to return again tomorrow. Makes me furious. Good news, though. Decide to buy the book Trauma and Recovery which I saw Chris Hedges talk about it on YouTube during a break. So I call West Portal bookstore and reserve a copy and rush over there. Buy Chron from French-speaking guy at newsstand. Then go to Peet’s. Valentine, Nedim there. Later Evan comes in to pick up his tips. We walk out together. He’s going to be leaving for school in a week. Take train home. Turns out to be an M, not a K. Go to local resto “Mealtime” for chicken teriyaki.

July 31 dream:  Emma Vigeland is going to leave home same day as me, on March 2. She’s going to March 2-5 demonstration in Portland

July 30, 2023:  In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Talk with guy wearing Muni cap. We talk mostly about the new Central Subway. Ian at Peet’s. I wonder if the Folsom Street Fair is soon but don’t mention it. I think the Dore Alley Fair happened today. Train to Castro. Lots of young people get off train with me and I walk behind them down Castro Street. Walk up 18th Street. Run into another group (maybe part of the original group) on 18th Street who are talking excitedly about San Francisco, They mention Chicago, I think. Walk up to Market, Corbett, Portola to #36 to F.H. K home. Sit across from guy who half-smiles at me. We both get off at same stop. I watch him enter my building from back door. I go to W.F. $11 for baked beans! See “entity” on my ceiling in p.m.

July 30 dream:  I get all the signatures done except the last one. But I think it’s okay.

July 29, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Meet Jordan, young baristo from Santa Rosa,  who wants to study library science so he can lend out lawn movers and lots of things other than just books. Go to G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Go to M.S. Check out with “Haircut Ed.” Then “Sir Allen” takes over. Nice talk with him, though when he tells me he’s going to CCSF, I catch myself smirking at him. He wants to study communications at SF State. #44 to F.H. K home. Talk with Virginia at W.F. Insight: Did I take part in my own child molestation by cooperating with or at least not resisting my molester? Also: Getting down on myself for not remembering what my father did to me. Also: Realize that Las Vegas in my dream of July 25 probably relates to marriage ’cause that’s where, as an ordained mentor/minister, I performed my only marriage. (*See 3rd dream of July 25.)

July 29 dream:  Hard-on dream.

July 28, 2023:  WiFi goes down for an hour or more. In ’til 4ish. K to W.P. I’m thinking that I blame myself for my father’s shortcomings. Nice-looking, well-dressed older man smiles at me on W.P. Avenue. Go to Peet’s. Ian, Christian and Nedim there. Christian wears colorful shirt. Go to W.P. library. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Walk up 18th Street to Corbett. Feeling “shitty.” Find wooded area. Take shits. #52 to F.H. K home. Insight: Feeling guilty about my pain just like I felt guilty about my father’s misbehavior.

July 28 dream:  Harriet and two other women wearing matching beige satin blouses at my farewell dinner. I think, “That must mean something.”

July 28 dream:  Woman orders “nice” hamburger with fries.

July 28 dream:  Woman helps me sell Russian food at S.F. corner. I wonder whether my contributions to the city are appreciated.

July 28 dream:  Feeling terrible about not having any work to do at work. Walk to back building. Lots of police putting up flags. There’s a kind of party atmosphere. Someone jokes, “Where are the strippers?” See guy changing. I think, “There’s a stripper.” Go with others to exit which is going up instead of down. Floor is slippery. I try to hang on.

July 27, 2023:  Line of shit on my floor. Not sure where it came from. Check out letter from Kroll LLC but which is really from Krollmonitoring.com, which is a scam outfit claiming my data may have been breached and asking in turn for my data. In ’til 3:30ish. Take K to W.P. Kai, Sophia, Bruce, Ian at Peet’s. Talk to Sophia about 19 degree head in Phoenix where she was last week. Talk with Kai about Oppenheimer movie. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Walk back. Talk with cute guy at table outside Citibank next to 440 Club. They’re testing people for HIV. Walk up 17th Street. Fire engine on 17th Street. I ask fireman if there Ia s real fire. He says they’re just checking out the wiring. Walk to Twin Peaks. Climb both peaks. Between peaks is a large “BIG” spelled out in the pavement. Guy on 2nd peak says to me, “Can’t stay up there for long.” Then other guy a little further down says, “I found a big one.” Walk to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jeff.

July 27 dream:  Holding the door closed for somebody ’til they were ready.

July 27 dream:  Me trying to see if I had enough fresh chips. Carol Burnett rushing to the alter holding flowers.

July 26, 2023:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Trans woman waves hello to me at Lee Muni stop. Looks kind of like Jesse from Railroad Expresso. K to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Buy Chron at W.G. Go to Eureka Valley library. Go to Peet’s on Market. Go to Castro Farmer’s Market. Walk up Market, Corbett, Portola to M.S. Tell “Haircut Ed” that I found a new barber, the guy in the alley between 16th Street and Market. #44 to F.H. K home. Insight: Father being sexual with me made me feel powerful and special at first. Maybe I feel a bit guilty about that.

July 26 dream:  Living at 835 Turk Street. No cockroaches. One of our tenants has an Oscar in storage. God wants to talk to us there. (h.o.)

July 25, 2023:  Anonymous call around 2:30 p.m. In ’til 3:15ish. #49 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Go to G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P to M.S. Check out with Ian who is relieved, while I’m there, by “Sir Allen.” #52 to F.H. K home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Parents can castrate their children emotionally OR children can allow themselves to be emotionally castrated by their parents. Conclusion: Truth is the unveiling of the permanent. Memory: Remember guy I moved in with in NYC in the ’80s who expected that I would sleep in same bed with him.

July 25 dream:  Therapeutic session with many friends. Guy asks me who would dance with me? I say, “Someone I forced … emotionally.” I think he asked me to dance with Hanz.

July 25 dream:  Naked guys fighting or dancing in my bedroom. One says to me, “Get involved.” So we dance. He says, “Do you cry?” I say, “Yes.” He says, “So cry.” I try to cry.

July 25 dream:  John is promoted to be my new boss. He says the company wants me to work in Las Vegas. I’m hanging out with some young gay kids who are attending weekend gay event. Two of them have lots of pimples. It’s Friday and there was a show called Marina who one of the guys says is really great. Several of us are staying in the same room and we may have to make room for more visitors. (*See diary of July 29.)

July 25 dream:  Visit Sacramento. Lots of kids messing around. Big cartoon eagle building ’cause it’s the state capitol, after all. . Someone wants me to hang out in the room to in case any packages are delivered. I say, “Okay.”

July 24, 2023:  Fall in love with Clippercard man on the phone. In ’til 3:30ish. K to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Same rude cashier at W.G. as a few days ago. Go to Spike’s. #24 to Noe Valley for 6 p.m. acupuncture appointment with Liam. Insight during session: What happened to me in my Menlo Park home was, in a word, castration. I think this is the first time that my unconscious mind has admitted abuse actually happened at this address. Walk to G.P. Get burrito. See Lee from G.P. Market limp out to trash can using a cane. He looked very frail. #23 and #43 home.

July 24 dream:  Arranging cars by date and time. Getting rid of lots, too.

July 24 dream:  Tell young lady in cafeteria to “be all she can be.”

July 24 dream:  Two wanted criminals help set up fancy socks store. Then 3rd guy kills them. Police arrive. 3rd guy expects reward money. Police tell him to go home. Also that one of them wasn’t a criminal.

July 23, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Kai, Ian at Peet’s. Have banana bread with little pain. Talk with Kai about Oppenheimer and Barbie movies. He’s going to see Oppenheimer tonight. Also talk with Ian. Train to Castro. Meet guy from Brooklyn at W.P. station. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Walk up 18th Street. Hear woman say to another woman, “Sometimes you’ve got to leave it alone and let it grow.” Continue to Market, Corbett, Portola, #44 to F.H. K home. Insight: My father didn’t hit me in front of my step-mother Harriet.

July 23 dream:  Bunch of wealthy people sitting around playing a game. Chris Hinrichs helps me with the word Dingon, which Is a game.

July 23 dream:  Buy War and Peace for a friend of mine so he can do a book report. He says it’s the happiest day of his life. I am in a glassed-in ladder.

July 22, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. See Joan at W.G. on Ocean Avenue. K to W.P. Christian, Ian, Kai, Nedim at Peet’s. Walk by Latino resto and look in. Think of stopping in to see waiter from July 20. Take train to Castro. Pass 440 Club and then see Namantha eating at outside table but don’t stop to talk with him. Decide to go back to Latino resto in W.P.. Take slow M train to W.P. Go to Franco’s Latin Table. Get seat in outside parklet. Really cute, sweet, smiling waiter I guess was the same one from July 20. Anyhow, he made me happy. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. See hot guy in white T-shirt dusting his car on Plymouth. He smiles as I look at him. Think my pelvic pain will now probably fade away. As I think this guy on Ocean smiles at me. Go to W.F. Check out in line next to Cole buying something for himself at adjacent checkout line. Insight: Realize that both my step-sisters (and maybe my step-mother) knew about my father taking my brother down to the basement to beat him. And they were willing to live with that. I think my email correspondence with Nancy exposed the myth of a happy family that I just chose not to be a part of. In reality, it was a family which was violent at its core.)

July 22 dream:  A snake in a case is being shown to audience.

July 22 dream:  Boy and girl are from Vanderbilt and Exeter, respectively. Both in NYC. Girl says, “Vanderbilt is NYC.” At close of dance, girl does ballet movement with her straight arms clasped over her head. Boy tries to complement her by doing the Exeter dance, but doesn’t quite get it. But he has a really nice physique.

July 22 dream:  Everybody in building gets new or remodeled rooms.

July 22 dream:  Dog eats too many bananas.

July 21, 2023:  Send reply email to Nancy. In ’til 3:30ish. Get on K to W.P. Then walk off train and start walking down Ocean to G.P. At Diamond and Bosworth, talk briefly with beautiful young blond man with T-short about taking down the patriarchy. Nice talk with barista at C.B. She’s going to Turkey for a month. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear one guy tell another, “We’re going to become domestic partners in two days. Well, we’ll be formalizing it.” Go to M.S. See “Sir Allen” but we don’t speak. Take #43 to F.H. See young guy with “Alice’s Restaurant” T-shirt. I tell him, “That was a big deal in the ’60s.” K home. Mid-trip two black guys sit next to me and start talking about my camera. The cute one says, “You’re camera’s phat” or something like that. Then his friend translates, “He likes your camera.” We talk briefly. The friend asks me how much I think his sunglasses cost. I say I don’t know. He says, “$500. You can get any girl you want with these glasses.” Cute guy looks to back of train at someone with pink hair. He says, “Is that a guy or a girl?” I say, “Yeah, you’ve got to be careful.” They also showed me their shoes which they were very proud of. I showed them mine as well. The friend says he’s a rapper. I ask if he’s on YouTube. He says, “Yeah. It’s under ‘Fats’.” Then they up and changed seats, getting off shortly after. Walk thru W.F. but don’t buy anything. See Cole and walk thru his checkout line.

July 21 dream:  Helping other other group get started. They don’t seem to want my help so I leave.

July 20, 2023:  Get email from step-sister Nancy in responser to my email to her on July 7, wondering if my father was gay or a pedophile. Her response: Rumor was that my mother was gay. So I compose response in my head all day. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. I’m the only one on board. Christian, Kai and  Valentine at Peet’s. As I leave, I was the only customer in the lace. Nice connection with Christian and Valentine. As I walk to W.P. station, connect with Latino waiter at sidewalk cafe. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola to #48 to Woodside to #44 to F.H. K home. W.F. Accidentally touch fingers with pretty checkout girl. Insight: Realize July 6 dream of father being shot for being gay may be my unconscious mind’s way of telling me that my mother was shot for being gay. Hear woman on YouTube talk about hip pain with her pregnancy.

July 20 dream:  L.A. file (my past) is very thick. And there were light popovers to go with it. (*I understand the term “popover” to mean my inner work with my father is over.) (h.o.)

July 20 dream:  Lots of old pizza stands. I turned some on but not much comes out ’cause I didn’t any dough in them.

July 20 dream:  Starting new job at place where my brother works. (*Relates to the realization that I never knew (as mentioned in Nancy’s email of July 20) about my father taking my brother to the woodshed, so to speak. But that if I did, I like to think that, though I didn’t stand up for myself, that I would have stood up for my brother.)

July 20 dream:  In Torrance or some L.A. city by the sea. I go looking for apartment. Find two newish jackets in box. See brontosaurus swimming nearby. Someone kisses it and feeds it thru a compartment in its neck.

July 19, 2023:  Get up at 7 a.m.! Go to jury duty. Start sneezing and coughing while waiting for them to get started. I got there at about 8:15 a.m. and they let us go at about 10:30 a.m., but we have to come back on July 31. Walk up Market to Castro. Look behind me. There is beautiful man walking his bike. I follow him down Market. He turns left on Brady Street. I think he is headed to ballet school. But when I turn left on Brady Street he is nowhere to be found. Continue up Market. Hot guy in muscle T-shirt smiles at me, I think. I follow him down Pond Street. But lose him, too. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Buy Chron at W.G. Walk back to Peet’s on Market. Talk briefly with Josiah. See John White from “Under One Roof” sitting with friends. I sit at window counter. See interesting guy outside. So I go out to talk with him. He says he’s a model/porn star. Walk to Castro Muni station. Feeling happy and horny. Get anonymous call. I wonder why I feel like I’m cheating on my mother whenever I get excited about some attractive guy. As I think this, woman exiting Muni smiles at me. Take K home. Take nap in p.m. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Emotional healing is required prior to physical healing. Conclusion: Truth is my Nativity and I am at ease with all the perfection that surrounds me.

July 19 nap dream:  Looking thru my notes trying to help out guy with his lines. Thane is next to us directing the performance.

July 19 dream:  Teens laughing at each other’s stage names.

July 19 dream:  Board a train. Eat part of egg sandwich. Give half to homeless man. Nancy there, too, gamefully trying to confuse me.  (*Relates to Nancy’s email to me on July 20?)

July 19 dream:  Little black girl did something bad. Hanz came all the way from Europe ’cause I asked him to. I think he calls himself my brother.

July 18, 2023:  In ’til 3:45ish. See beautiful man as soon as I walk out the door. K train there ready to take off. I jump on board. Then get off to make sure I see my friend off. He drives off. Muni driver keeps the door open for me and I get back on. K to W.P. Brandon, Nedim, Christian and other baristo at Peet’s. Talk with Brandon. Call jury duty. They want me to come in tomorrow. This depresses me. Dropped my pen. Nondescript guy next to me lit up as he bent down to pick it up for me. Train to Castro. Construction going on at Harvey Milk Plaza. So I exit on north side of Market. Walk up 17th Street, Corbett, Portola to M.S. Check out with Ian who is also growing a mustache, I notice. #52 to F.H. K home. See guy I rush to sit next to. Later realize he’s probably on a Grindr date. He looks kind of lost.

July 18 dream:  Go to series of talks about sports, I think. (h.o.)

July 17, 2023:  In ’til 3:45ish. K to Castro. Walk by 440 Club. Caress chairs outside Namantha’s resto as if caressing Namantha himself. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Go to Spike’s. #35 to Noe Valley for 6 p.m. acupuncture appointment. Walk from 24th & Dimond Streets all the way home. RHSing (accusing) my father all the way.

July 17 dream:  Making an amphibious landing on beach with canvas boat. Men and woman. Had my keys. Lost them. We were to perform certain tasks.

July 17 dream:  Hiking up to Twin Peaks. Teacher asks me what my story was about. I didn’t know.

July 17 dream:  I have new boyfriend who is short and dark-haired. Maybe Latino. We have barely kissed.

July 16, 2023:  In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Kai, Ian, Brandon at Peet’s. Read more from America’s Next Great Awakening. Talk with Kai mostly. Train to Castro. Feeling happy. Walk past 440 Club.. Run into Namantha in front of his resto. He ignores me. First time we’ve run into each other since June 18. Feel “shitty” so walk back up Castro to Muni station. Take K home. Stop at W.F. Check out with Cole. Ask him how he likes his new mustache. He takes off without bagging my groceries. Shits when I get home.

July 16 dream:  Try to hide three hardballs from somebody. (h.o.)

July 16 dream:  Someone showing me how to make a Thanksgiving stew with carrots, potatoes, tomatoes, etc. Something about downtown L.A.

July 15, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Connect with guy on #29 who gets off and heads for BART. Follow two guys into C.B. Also regular patron who I like at C.B. And barista I now like. Walk thru G.C.P, thinking of barista. Then run into smiling “Electrician” guy on Arbor Street. Walk thru G.C.P. Girl standing there may be looking for coyotes, which I don’t see. Go to M.S. Just as I’m about to check out with “Sir Allen<‘ he’s replaced by someone else. #44 to F.H. K home. See three “Diary” visitors on ZontaPhotos.com. (*Relates to July 10 dream about talking with John, I think.) Listen to YT about Mormon “elder” being sexually abused by his partner. He says at the time of the assault, that he froze. Did I do likewise?

July 15 dream:  Escape from hippie store with a few others. Someone gives me a clasp to fix my shirt. There’s a play going outside in the back. I think I see John. There’s no way out. We just have to wait ’til the play is over. Guy offers to send letter to my shop. I say, “Okay.”

July 15 dream:  I become mayor of S.F. Meet some people at reception who knew me when I was a janitor.

July 15 dream:  I rat on woman for not having required suit on at work and she is sent home. Later, Mark Zuckerberg gives me bacon sandwiches.

July 15 dream:  Trying to make appointment with therapist to see when we could see her. We were sitting in a room before there were to many sign-ups. So now there are only three of us.

July 14, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Ian, Sophia, Nedim at Peet’s. Have scone with sugar on top. Gives me pelvic pain. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Walk up 19th Street to Market to Corbett to Portola to #52 to F.H. Insight: The pelvic pain and pain in my lower back may be my body remembering the places where my father held me down while he was fucking me. Memory of me sitting in his bed alone may have been me afterwards in a dazed state. Take K home. Go to W.F. See Virginia.

July 14 dream:  Packing clean clothes to go back home. Some still wet so woman begins beating them with a hanger or something. (h.o.)

July 14 dream:  Graduate from U.S. Marine Corps training. I have full head of brown hair. Someone is going to pick me up at 6 p.m. to go to somebody else’s house and then somewhere else.

July 14 dream:  Talk with young black neighbor.

July 14 dream:  Butch woman explains something to be at 3250 Market. I was talking about 350 Market.

July 13, 2023:  In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Kai, Brandon, Bruce, Christian at Peet’s. Christian is new baristo there. We talk a bit. (*At first, I think this relates to circling hawk at G.C.P. hier.) Then as I’m about to leave, see Christian talking to somebody I think I know. I do know him. Though I forget his name, it’s Daniel who I haven’t seen since December 2022. We talk for about an hour. (*Relates to circling hawk from G.C.P. hier, I think.) At one point I say, “You’re gay, aren’t you?” He smiles and says, “How about you?” Christian tells us about time he walked into his dorm room and his dorm mate was having sex with another guy. Daniel and I walk out together. He offers me a ride someplace. So I get in his car (which he had double-parked the whole time with his flashers on) and we drive to my place. Go to W.F. See Virginia.

July 13 dream:  Speaking at house of railroad tycoon, “Your father was not a perfect man. He wasn’t even a good man.”

July 13 dream:  Road washed out after heavy rain. Now so is my car.

July 13 dream:  Talking with Marilyn Deurell in underground canal. Guys in devil outfits just take tree down. She says I’m not normal. I say everyone is normal. Then I mention “Superpro.” She says I should use my own words, not Thane’s.

July 12, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Take signed lease to apartment office. K and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Read more from America’s Next Great Awakening. Go to G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Young hawk circles close to me several times. (*Relates to seeing Daniel on July 13, I think.) #52 to F.H. K home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Some memories remain unconscious but still motivational. Conclusion: Truth, not niceness, calls and recalls everything.

July 12 dream:  Left my California ID at female co-worker’s desk. Rush to get it in mid-conversation with somebody else. (h.o.)

July 12 dream:  Black hole in my left thigh.

July 12 dream:  Handing out info to the public.

July 11, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #29 to Stonestown. Go to Sports Basement to buy goggles so I can apply Chinese lotion without fumes getting in my eyes. Guy at counter very helpful. When I come back new guy is beautiful, playful, understated, stunning, to me. He was doing tricep exercises with two parallel counters. (Was he trying to impress me?) Then his receipt tape runs out and he has to replace it while I wait. Take M to W.P. Kai, Sophia and Brandon at Peet’s. Talk with Brandon about his nose stud and Sophia about oat milk. Take train to Castro. Rush to sit near black guy I see thru the window. We talk briefly. Get off at Castro station. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Awkward high five with homeless guy. Walk up 18th Street, Market and Corbett. It’s cold and windy and foggy. Guy passes me on my left and says, “It’s windy.” I say, “Yeah.” Walk up Portola. Very friendly guy at top of Portola was the same guy as the “crazy” guy from July 9, I think. Go to M.S. Check out with Ian. I ask him if lifting groceries is part of his daily exercise regime. He says, “They’re not heavy enough.” I say, “I’ll try to buy heavier groceries.” #48 to W.P. K home. Sit next to young guy who smiles at me as I board. We talk briefly about noise-cancelling earphones. Watching Grantchester in p.m. Old woman jokes about vicar taking off his shirt. Made me feel self-conscious. Wondered if my feeling inadequate began when my father was on top of me and I was just a little kid and felt inadequate to the task. I think I really wanted to please my father, even in this.

July 11 dream:  Admit online that I’m a Sagittarius which IRL I’m not. (h.o.)

July 11 dream:  Post my astrology info publicly.

July 11 dream:  Meet heavyset guy. He becomes naked. Tells me he lives in Clayton Street Castle.

July 11 dream:  Move into new apartment with new family. They remodel but make things worse. Go to take shower. The water is either hot or nonexistent. As soon as I go to shower, they bring out the cake. Step-sister Nancy there, too.

July 11 dream:  Woman at work, who had been there three years, and guy pull off big scam, fooling us all.

July 11 dream:  Am on 12th floor. See Margaret Duskin go into Barry Bram’s office.

July 10, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. K to Castro. Blonde girl in W.P. waves at train (and me) as I am imagining my pelvic pain melting away. #24 to Noe Valley. Beautiful blond man standing in the aisle. I check him out before I exit. Then after everyone also has exited, he exits. I follow him up block to Jersey Street but lose him behind large truck parked on Castro. Go to acupuncture appointment with Liam. He gives me Chinese lotion which martial artists apply to their aches and pains. Feels hot and good. Take #24 back to Castro. Go to Peet’s on Market. Talk with Josiah. Walk back to Castro Street. Pass 440 Club. Turn around and pass 440 Club again. Walk up Market to Argent Alley. Didn’t realize it was a through street. “Argent” in French means “money.” So I walk up “Money” Alley to Corbett Avenue and Portola to #48 to W.P. K home.

July 10 dream:  Talk to John who’s wearing orange lipstick. I tell him, “My cousin Leigh wanted me to make sure you were invited to her party on November 6.” He said he usually goes to these things in groups.

July 9, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Justin, Evan, Ian, Sergio at Peet’s. Evan says he’s at interim place between feeling like a child and becoming an adult when he starts college next month. I say, “Do you think you’re going to become an adult as soon as you start college?” “Well, not really.” I say, “I’m still trying to become an adult. So it may take a while.” Walk to W.P. Muni station. See young guy in gray T-shirt on train in opposite track. Try to follow him for a few blocks. Lose him. Walk back to W.P. station. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Then make eye contact with Dickensian homeless guy wearing a top hat and looking like a con man of some sort. Walk up 18th Street, Market to Corbett. Going up walkway to Corbett, two older gay guys say, “You bought groceries!” Continue on Corbett to Portola. At top of Portola, “crazy” guy walks outside his street-level apartment and starts ranting about something. Insight: Think about “It’ll hurt” voice I heard last night. Remember that every time I felt sure John and I would get together, my sphincter muscles would get sore. Was this my body’s way of saying, “Your father did fuck you. And he hurt you. And I am reminding you of this pain.” This probably explains why I always sabotage myself with sexual opportunities with men I am attracted to. I don’t want to get hurt. And I don’t want to hurt somebody else like my father did. This contradicts the dream interpretation of my June 12 dream where my father wanted me to do something which I refused to do. #44 to F.H. K home. Then go to W.F. See Cole briefly. He seems to be rushing to get away from me. Watched Hotel New Hampshire in p.m. Hear “I don’t know who needs to hear this, but spring is coming” on YouTube.

July 9 dream:  Learn how to set up laptop computer with code RW.

July 9 dream:  Bring posters and cardboard cutout ad for The Prosperos to workplace. See Al H. Also underground house I like and almost slip into.

July 8, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Barista I used to not like now I like. Go to library. Walk thru G.C.P. #44 to F.H. K home. Sit across from pretty but mean acting woman and her submissive boyfriend. When they get off, she charges off and leaves him behind. Then he hurriedly gathers up his things and follows her. No response yet from email I sent my step-sister hier. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Again, he tries to direct me to somebody else’s checkout line. But I stay. We chat briefly. He holds up my deviled eggs like he is holding up a sacrifice to the gods. Insight: Maybe my emailing my step-sister about my father was, in a way, me finally standing up to him, 27 years after he died.

July 8 dream:  Swimming in pool. Different strokes.

July 8 dream:  Guy who gives me a hard time, and who’s running for office, gets in trouble.

July 8 dream:  At a workshop on consciousness, going over a list of all the wildlife we are responsible for.

July 8 dream:  Hear “It’ll hurt.”

July 8 dream:  Planning to watch Carol Burnett tonight at 10 p.m.

July 7, 2023:  In ’til 11ish. Take K to Church Street for dental appointment at noon. Walk back to the Castro. Check out cute guy on Sanchez standing outside building with all his luggage. He smiles back. Go to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Walk all the way to G.P. Go to library. Then C.B. #36 to Safeway on Monterrey. #43 home. On the way I compose email in my mind to my step-sister asking for her help in betraying some deep dark family secrets like: Was my father gay? Was he a pedophile? I compose and send the email when I get home. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.)

July 7 dream:  It’s 1:30 a.m. and I am leaving to go sleep at Bill Floyd’s house. I kiss several young men goodnight.

July 7 dream:  Tourists, lots of people climbing long stairway. Get home. Room’s in a mess.

July 7 dream:  Start to take clothes off guy so I can use them. He gets mad but changes out of them anyway.

July 6, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Shits before I leave. K to W.P. Brandon, Sophia, Sergio and Bruce at Peet’s. Have matcha latte. It gives me pelvic pain. I do related RHS. Realize that psychologically the pain is my childhood response to my family: that my happiness must be sacrificed for the greater good of the family (and my survival in it) or so I thought. Or, in other words, I don’t deserve to be happy. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola to M.S. Take shits at M.S. as well. Check out with Ian. They had taken down the protective plastic shields at the checkout stations. So we talked about that. Take #44 to F.H. K home.

July 6 dream:  Title in dream: “The Church and the Pussy”

July 6 dream:  Guy asks me to stand between young boy and his father so the boy won’t see him shoot his father for being gay. I think, “But the shooter looks gay, too.” (*See diary of July 20, 2023.)

July 6 dream:  Looking for spare quarter or eyeball.

July 5, 2023:  In ’til 1:30ish. K to Castro. #24 to Noe Valley. Sit near cute, quiet, almost angry young man. When he gets off he looks over his shoulder at me seductively. Acupuncture appointment with Liam. Then #24 bus to Castro. Go to Peet’s on Market Street. Anonymous call. Read more from America’s Next Great Awakening. Walk up Corbett to Portola to #52 to F.H. K home. See Virginia (refrigerated foods lady) at W.F.

July 5 dream:  Trying to get fruit flies out of weekend working(?)

July 4, 2023:  In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Sergio, Brandon, Ian at Peet’s. No Nedim. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Walk up 18th Street and Market. Photo several happy skateboarders skating down Market. Continue on Corbett, Portola to #52 stop on Clipper Street. #52 and I both arrive at stop at the same time, but the driver drives on in spite of me trying to wave him down. This pisses me off even though I know it may be necessary for me to miss this bus so I can run into somebody. Which is what happens. Walk to Woodside Avenue. #44 to F.H. Then K home. Sit across from cute young Asian guy. We both get off at Lee Avenue. He says, “Coincidence.” I say, “What?” He says, “That we both get off at he same place.” We start talking and walking into W.F. He’s from Singapore. His name’s Ethan. He goes off to shop for dark chocolate. I do my shopping and arrive at checkout stand with Cole just behind Ethan. Cole tries to direct me too other stands which are open. I start talking with Ethan again. We walk out of store together. I tell him, “I live up here,” pointing to the apartments above. And I say, “Hope we run into each other again.” He’s taking a plane to Singapore tomorrow. Although I think he said he’s an intern for two different non-profits here.

July 4 dream:  Try to get guy to … himself. He doesn’t want to. Has to be forced.

July 4 dream:  Driving my yellow Mercedes. The brakes don’t work so I drive thru an intersection.

July 3, 2023:  In ’til noonish. Talk to guy at Muni stop about book he is reading: Hotel New Hampshire. Then sit next to him on #29 to Geary Boulevard. Then #38 to VA. Get my toenails cut by Sonia. She tells me all about TikTok for about an hour. Get anonymous call while sitting in her chair. (*See 1st dream of July 2.) Check out with young black woman with big breasts. Walk to La Promenade Cafe on Balboa. Then walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Stop by Asian bakery. See my friend there. Walk down Irving Street. Check out beautiful Asian man. Then another man standing near him with his girlfriend. I turn around and 2nd guy kind of smiles at me. Go to Peasant Pies. Get blueberry and custard pies. Then run into cute white guy with blue pants and nice lips. We smile at each other in recognition. Take #43 home. Call Nedim at Peet’s to see if they’ll be open tomorrow. They will. Hear “Seize the Day” in p.m.

July 3 dream:  Police officer trying to care for person who had premonition of what was to come.

July 3 dream:  I arrive at Laundromat(?) with blue shirt and yellow tie ’cause I know my boss expects it . Someone discovers how to break a cup.

July 3 dream:  Apollonia.

July 3 dream:  Sending out Xmas cards in July. (h.o.)

July 2, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Stop in W.G. Ask help from beautiful young man with black curly hair. Valentine, Evan, Kai and hot guy customer at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Pass Namantha outside his resto. He looks different. Beautiful dark-haired young man with nose stud at northwest corner of 18th and Castro. He crosses the intersection. I follow him. He head towards Southeast corner. I think he has probably moved on, but then see that he is there at Muni stop. We exchange looks. I walk up 18th Street, Corbett, Portola to M.S. Think: Maybe my father was gay and he was trying to protect me from that danger, as his generation thought. As I think this, woman who is a stranger to me exits M.S. giving me big smile. Shop at M.S. Check out with Ian. He’s passably nice. #43 to F.H. K home.

July 2 dream:  Cross the street. Realize I’ve forgotten my bag. I’ve been drinking. Police car comes up behind me very slowly. Then big crowd of people led by woman reverend with multi-colored scarf. She tries to grab my hand twice but something stops her. (*Relates to talking with Sonia at VA on July 3? Get anonymous call while I’m with her.)

July 2 dream:  Our hard meeting turns “soft” with cooking demos.

July 2 dream:  Go to meet my mother. Run into her in restroom. Not sure if she’s really my mother.

July 1, 2023:  In ’til 3:45ish. #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear distant hawks, maybe baby hawks. See mouse or quick-moving bird rush into bush. Run into Sean and his girlfriend on Amethyst Way. They are putting boxes into his van. He says they’re moving out. Moving to Daly City since their rent was raised. We talk about “Second Chance” episode of “Outer Limits” TV show about an alien encounter. I tell him I’ll try to find it. Joke that “Since I probably won’t see you again, I guess I can confess that I am an alien.” We all laugh. Go to CVS and nearby market. Buy Drano. #43 to F.H. K home. Insight: Side pain is my father still holding the reigns? And what is my father still in charge of? My sex life.

July 1 dream:  Revivifying three chess pieces and the women inside.

June 30, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Meet young man who works at newsstand and speaks French. Sophia, Valentine, Nedim, at Peet’s. Try to speak with French speaker again but he’s busy with a customer. Go to W.P. library. Head to W.P. Muni station. Feel “shitty” so decide to go home. Run into same guy with baseball cap from June 27. We both get off at Lee Avenue. He goes to McDonald’s . I follow him there, but just walk thru. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Get home. Take shits. Clean bathtub. Listen to Rickey’s meditation. Listen to Majority Report. Hosts talk about smoking pot with Fidel Castro. I recoil at the idea, thinking Fidel is too much like my father.

June 30 dream:  Say to my father, “Harriet gets back tomorrow.” He says, “So does Mom.” I say, “Okay, Mom.” (*My unconscious’s way of saying I’m still letting my father run the show.)

June 30 dream:  We try to act normal, under attack. We did act normal.

June 30 dream:  Sitting leg over leg with hot guy I really like, talking about Christian Science. He asks if I am one. I say, “I was one.”

June 29, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Evan, Kai, Brandon, Justin and others at Peet’s. Talk briefly with Evan and Brandon. Train to Castro. Run into young, blond guy. I follow him to pizza place across the street. Then I walk away. He catches up with me at 18th and Castro. He’s still eating his pizza. I say, “Is the pizza good?” He says, “Delicious.” I smile and walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola to M.S. Ian, Ed and other guy at checkout stands. I choose to check out with Ed since Ian is so dour these days. Ed is very friendly to me. Then to lady behind me. Feed sort of pushed aside. Wonder if I should have checked out with Ian. Start to blame myself for not checking out with him. Then realize by not checking out with Ian I was connecting with him or at least communicating with him. #44 to F.H. K home. Guy with Pride bag opens up the back door to our building and we both go in and walk up steps. On 2nd floor, I say, “How far do you have to walk?” He says, ‘4th floor.” I get off at 3rd floor.

June 29 dream:  Trying to copy video, image and text online to paper. Also feds are searching through my VW van very aggressively.

June 29 dream:  Beautiful shirtless guy in white shorts chopping weeds. I joke, “Would you get these over here?” He does, as I admire his body.

June 29 dream:  Getting ready for game with Barbara S., bringing up her childhood where she defended some other girl who was being picked on.

June 29 dream:  See Bob Meslinsky wave to Phil, his lover, as he (Bob) goes off to do something. I take photo of red plane in the sky between buildings.

June 29 dream:  Become friends with guy who turns out to be John’s latest boyfriend. John shows up, too, in all white, all tight outfit. I ask him what are his rules? He says, “Enjoy it while you can. Life’s too short.”

June 28, 2023:  Three guys come in to fix my washer/dryer. The foreman was rude and brusque at first. When he left he was sweet and beautiful, even after seeing my moldy bathtub. After they leave and I finish my online work, I take nap. In ’til 3:45ish. Neighbor across the way moved out of their 2-bedroom apartment. Guys working on it. I walk thru to check it out. K to W.P. See “Congratulations” at Peet’s. Talk with Ian. Find out he doesn’t like crowds (like the Pride parade), but he’s okay with Dore Alley and Folsom Street fairs. Talk with Nedim. As I head towards W.P. station, woman says to someone, “Hope you can walk tomorrow.” Then hear man on train to Castro say to another passenger, “It’s the end of the line.” Take shuttle to Castro. Walk past 440 Club. Cruise handsome young man as I pass. Then outside waiter drops a whole bunch of glasses and ice to much applause. Walk up 18th Street. Woman says, “It’s a different world.” Then, to me, “Your lens is off.” Walk to Corbett, Portola to #52 to F.H. K home. Come up with great sense testimony to Translate (and I share it with Rickey): “People with pelvic pain don’t want to get fucked (in all senses of that word). Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: People with pelvic pain don’t want to get fucked (in any sense of the word). Conclusion: Sexuality, malefemaleness in Truth is Knowing and Being Known.

June 28 nap dream:  Hanging out with really cool guy.

June 28 dream:  Pay back $3 I owe to guy.

June 27, 2023:  In ’til 2:30ish. Shits just before I leave home. K to Van Ness. Walk up Van Ness to hypnotherapy appointment with Rickey. We talk for an hour and a half. He leads me in guided mediation for last half hour. Gives me mantra: “Play ball!” and a reminder factor, which I also came up with: people in baseball caps. Walk to Polk Street. Order crepe from nice young Jordanian guy. We talk briefly. Go to Starbucks on Van Ness. Talk with cute young (and talkative) baristo there about SB taking out the tables in that cafe. Go to Ike’s Sandwiches on Polk. Get vegetarian meatball sandwich. Take #49 to Van Ness. Take K home. Tell guy with camo bag that I could hardly see it. Later notice beautiful Asian guy who gives me hard look. I notice he’s got on a baseball cap. So I follow him from a distance after he gets off at my stop. He gets on #8 bus. I walk by the bus. Then walk home. Shits when I get home.

June 27 dream:  Visit house that has been newly remodeled. Talk with cute young son. Driving to airport. Hot guy talking with me, sitting almost on top of me. We are driving on bridge to airport.

June 26, 2023:  In ’til 1:30ish. K to Castro. #24 to Noe Valley for acupuncture appointment. Have pretty nice “visions” during session. Hear the word “Drambuie.” #24 back to Castro. Tall guy in shorts on #24. I sit across from him. Go to Peet’s on upper Market. See Josiah briefly. We smile. Walk home. Follow cute guy up 17th Street to Twin Peaks. Get three bee stings on T.P. Think they relate to tomorrow’s appointment with Rickey. In response, I climb to the top of both peaks. Then go to M.S. on Portola. Wash my wounds. Check out with Ian. I tell him about Hudson who also goes to the Olympic Club. #52 to R.H. K home. W.F.

June 26 dream:  Little girl with “bugs” sits next to me.

June 26 dream:  E.T.s visit us. First a transparent horse runs through you. Then you can join an E.T. If you want. Some people did. A horse runs through me. I am trying to get up.

June 26 dream:  Walk thru old N.Y. hotel. See Livia in the lobby. I walk past her. Then she sees me. I go over and say “Hi” to her, Aunt Virg, Uncle Somebody and a few others.

June 26 dream:  Go to Jewish festival. Some people doing Jewish dance. I hope I don’t have to.

June 26 dream:  Sign up to speak. Take bus to East Bay. Big crowd.

June 25, 2023:  In ’til 1:30ish. Take K downtown for Pride Parade. Get off at Civic Center. At one point woman in the parade kind of singles me out in the crowd and says, “Play ball!” Watch parade for an hour or two. Unfortunately, I arrive late and get the corporate entries. Walk back to Castro. Take train to W.P. Bruce, Sergio, Ian, Ty at Peet’s. Talk with Sergio and Ty and Bruce As I leave, talk with two elderly women waiting in line for the restroom. I ask one if she went to the parade. She says, “Yes.” Then asks me, “What did you like most about it?” I say, “The spirit, I guess.” She says, “Me, too.” Walk home from W.P. Go to Lakewood. Order Vietnamese sandwich. Tour yoga studio upstairs. Young woman there seems to take a liking to me. Walk home via Ocean Avenue. Catch eye of beautiful young man in the window seat at Java Hut. Watch “Stonewall” video in p.m.

June 25 dream:  In partnership exercise, try to partner up with various people. The goal is to have the most partners. I try partnering with Livia. That doesn’t work. Try other partners. I have a history with many of them.

June 25 dream:  Retrieve large tubular root.

June 24, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to San Jose Avenue. J to G.P. Go to C.B.. Then G.P. library. Talk with Dumas-reading librarian who is reading Flaubert today. Walk thru G.C.P. Conclude I must share with my hypnotherapist on Tuesday why I was sure my father tried to abuse me: ‘Cause when I was 10 or so, I tried to convince little boy riding his tricycle in our front yard to humiliate himself. Just like I refused my father, he refused me and rode away. As I’m concluding that I must share this with my hypnotherapist, stranger walking down Portola puts his right arm up. I wave in return. Later realize he was giving me a high five. #36 to F.H. K home. W.F. Check out with Cole. He’s growing a mustache. I tell him he’s got something on his lip. He takes me seriously.

June 24 dream:  Cher singing “If I Ever Cry Again.” Evan driving car. Me putting whipped cream in woman’s make-up kit.

June 24 dream:  Thane puts blue powder on my cake. I say, “I didn’t order a turquoise cake.” He gives me a new one.

June 23, 2023:  Construction In a.m. Get up late. In ’til 4ish. K to W.P. Sit near young guy. Later he changes seats, sitting closer to me and showing off his multi-colored satin underpants. Turns me on a bit, which I think was his goal. Go to Peet’s. Evan looking really good today. Obnoxious hetero couple. The woman was one of the baristas. Stephanie also there, though we didn’t connect. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Namantha’s resto. Walk up 18th Street, Meet young man from Turkey as I look at some free books laid out on somebody’s porch. He’s from Istanbul. He asks me which book would be easiest to read. I pick one out for him. Walk up to Market, Corbett, Portola to #48. Then #36 to F.H. K home. See my friend at Pakwan resto. He stays aloof. When I get home, my door is open and slightly ajar. I don’t know how that could have happened. But it made me feel good, like somebody had visited me.

June 23 dream:  Restore street car. (h.o.)

June 23 dream:  Sitting in old Victorian house on the beach. The waves coming in. Someone wrote April 2008 and May 2008 on the on the board. I say, “The people who made this house didn’t think much of the view,” since there was no windows looking out onto the ocean. “It’s a beautiful view.” Big wave just came in.

June 23 dream:  Four points of past study.

June 23 dream:  Cathy Koslover moves to house on water near very run-down neighborhood. We go to black church. They’re about to begin. I get up on the dance floor.

June 23 dream:  Visit Nannie’s house.

June 22, 2023:  More construction in a.m. Email from Louise Hartmann saying YouTube doesn’t send taped versions of the Hartmann show, which I’ve been getting for months. In ’til 4ish. K to W.P. Brandon, Kai, Ian, Bruce at Peet’s. Brandon had no tat, no pearls and no haircut. Talk with Kai about Barry series. Talk with Bruce about Michael Pollen book, How to Change Your Mind. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club, Namantha’s resto. Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola to M.S. Speak briefly with “Haircut Ed.” Tell him I’m not pleased with my new haircut. #36 to F.H. K home.

June 22 dream:  Try to get equal time listing in gym/meditation center.

June 22 dream:  Go to work site in S.F. See Van Ault. I say, “Do you have to look so fabulous?” Talk with other guy. I think the job relates to talking with other people and giving them a chocolate bar when they say something you like.

June 21, 2023:  John Atwater calls before I leave home. In ’til 3ish. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. #35 to Noe Valley for haircut. Turns out my appointment was at 3 p.m. so I take #24 back to Castro. Sit across aisle from cute young teen. Go to barber shop at place where guy hier wished me a “Happy Pride.” Get haircut from Jerry (or Jesse). They charge $45. I give him $50. At end of haircut, I say, “Voila!” Jerry says, “Now you’re ready for a new boyfriend.” I say, “I am.” Go to Peet’s next door. Then walk up Market, Corbett, Portola to #52 to F.H. K home. On Corbett, see yellow strip. (*See 2nd dream of June 3.) Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Intense emotions can be overwhelming. Conclusion: Truth is a moveable feast, not overwhelming, not extreme, not exterior. See “John Harrison” in DVD about Isaac Newton. More hypnotherapy fallout: My real dissociation was not with my father, but with my mother. And the fear I felt with Cree in ’69 and John in ’87 was fear of the overwhelming emotion I felt on Tuesday, I think.

June 21 dream:  Go to library to do research on acumen. Go to restroom with two other guys. We all just sit on this curved blue tile pipe. Black guy says, “Let’s not talk. It might interrupt somebody’s business.”

June 21 dream:  Guy swims many laps in pool. When I finally start swimming as well, they close down the pool for the day. Guy’s wife went home ’til he does something.

June 20, 2023:  Wake up two hours early by construction work going on in apartment above me. Leave home about 2:30 p.m. for 4 p.m. hypnotherapy appointment. Car sitting in the middle of Ocean Avenue. I wait for about half hour for Fire Dept. to clear the way. Finally I get off and walk to M line further down Ocean Avenue. Get off at Civic Center. Walk up Leavenworth to office at Hyde and Sutter. Arrive at 3:59 p.m. Have amazing session with Rickey. Talk (in my mind) with my father. He talks to me. Talk with my mother. She talks to me. Lots of crying about my father. And a tsunami of tears about my mother. This was the first time I had ever cried about my mother’s death. In fact, I was crying so much that I began to hyperventilate. I stood up and said, “I can’t breath.” Rickey put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Just take a breath.” I grabbed the cup of water Rickey had provided me earlier and then I was breathing again. It helped that Rickey was so calm ’cause it helped me calm down as well. (*See diary of June 19 about conversation I had with guy in my mind who assured me everything would be alright.) During the session, Rickey asked my father whether he sexually abused me. My father, through me, said, “I tried.” He said that I kind of emotionally took the place of my mother after her death and that sex was part of their relationship. I told my father that he can’t just rely on women for his emotional life. He admitted he was wrong to do what he did. I told my father I loved him. I tole my mother I loved her and hoped she was happy wherever she was. Going to meet with Rickey again next Tuesday for a shorter session. Walked to Fillmore. Take #22 to Peet’s on upper Market. Get tea and biscotti to go. Barber standing outside his shop wishes me “Happy Pride.” I return the wish. Walk to Castro Station. Random woman smiles at me. Take K home.

June 20 dream:  It’s Tuesday p.m. at work. Tomorrow is a white shirt and tie day. Thom Hartmann there. Someone thinks a cup I put up on the bulletin board is TMI.

June 20 dream:  Watching TV with step-sister Nancy and her family.

June 19, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Pass Namantha’s resto. #24 to Noe Valley. Go to acupuncture appointment early. Doze off briefly in the waiting room. Have short conversation with guy in my mind. He reassures me that things will be okay and he’ll see me soon. (*Relates to tomorrow’s hypnotherapist appointment, I think.) After, #24 to Castro. Go to Peet’s on Upper Market. Josiah there. I say to him, “Josiah was in the Book of Kings, right?” He says, “Yeah, Josiah was one of the good kings.” Two other cute guy there. Walk up 17th Street, Corbett, Portola to #44 to F.H. See same cute Asian guy with glasses and earbuds in the same seat on the M train as a few days ago. Take K home. Meet Zack, 22-year-old black art student at SF State. He told me about Basquait and Japanese photographer who took photos of himself every hour on the hour for a year. I asked him if he has taken any art history courses. He says they are boring, but then gives me great insight into Jackson Pollock’s connection with Native American sand painters. He and I get off at the same stop. He says he’ll take the #8 to Sunnydale neighborhood. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Go home. Take out garbage. Run into Shrey moving some chairs.

June 19 dream:  Start new job as clerk for lawyers. Enter courtroom. Try out something. Drop my glasses. Apologize. Hot-shot female lawyer not impressed.

June 19 dream:  Execs making chocolate chip cookies. One exec makes a disparaging remark about the staff.

June 19 dream:  VA gives me slower card since I live further away. I complain.

June 18, 2023:  Tough nite last nite. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Sergio, Ian, Ty, Bruce at Peet’s. I give Sergio A Separate Peace. He tells me this is his last month. That he’ll be working for a prosthetics company, helping to motorize them. Train to Castro Theatre. Two fat guys get in my way. Pass 440 Club. Then Namantha appears out of nowhere carrying a tray of food and giving me a submissive look. (*Relates two dogs and hawk from G.C.P. hier, I think.) Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola. Decide to go see Sean on Amethyst Way. He’s at his garage as he was hier. He recommends Second Chance, also from “Outer Limits.” Insight: Realize last dream of June 12 is about my father doing something criminal and me refusing their “help.” In other words, my father didn’t abuse me sexually, but he tried to and I refused his advances: “No. I’m not doing that.” And that’s why I was so pleased with myself walking outside our M.P. home. But I also realized that I could never let my father see that. So in order to stay in the family, I had to stay hidden. #44 to F.H. K home. W.F. Check out with Cole. He looked at me directly with his eyes and I could really feel his love. Recap: My father didn’t abuse me, but he tried. When I refused, that made me feel strong and happy. But to survive in the family I had to hide those feelings. I had to pretend that I was the blameworthy one, not him. Realized it might be dangerous to be too happy or successful. Relates to feeling uncomfortable with my inheritance from brother Tom. Also my many sexual opportunities.

June 18 dream:  Sliding in the rain. My father smiles, playing game in college dining room? Lot of white table clothes. People joking that others will cheat.

June 18 dream:  Rhoda Morgenstern (Valerie Harper) in all peach outfit as M.C.

June 18 dream:  Calm full creek.

June 18 dream:  Take food package. Then ask if I can. Black woman manager goes to the back and gets me one even though she knew I had already taken one. She motions, “Okay.”

June 17, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk and J train to G.P. Then G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Guy and two dogs without leashes. The dogs get in my way. Then hawk suddenly flies towards me out of nowhere. Run into Sean on Amethyst Way. He talks on about UFOs, the moon, etc. Gives me assignment: to watch Architects of Fear from “Outer Limits” on YouTube. Go to M.S. Cute blond guy I follow upstairs. Run into him again as I exit restroom. Check out with Leo while blond guy waits for something. #44 to F.H. K home. Guy with “Psycho” T-shirt really looks like psycho.

June 17 nap dream:  Money being exchanged.  (*Relates to interpreting last dream of June 12. See diary of June 18.)

June 17 dream:  In England winner was offered U.S. dollars or “Johnsons”. They took the dollars. I thought, “I didn’t know they used dollars over here.” And that “Johnson” probably relates to Boris Johnson.

June 17 dream:  Living in home with old lady. Lots of mold on the walls. We hang out in her bedroom. She’s not there. Security dog and guard outside comes three times a week. Then little mouse brings the whole house to an uproar. Finally two hummingbirds catch and consume it really fast. They also break open a small, fancy wooden box next to it. I say, “What did they do?” Before; In bedroom, I say “Are they going to repaint this?”

June 17 dream:  Recovering from being on the oil watch. Cleaning up. Reloading. Guy sitting next to me. Then gay guy flops down on me. I embrace his head. He says, “It’s moving. Time for me to break up.” I laugh.

June 16, 2023:  Email from Avalon agreeing to accept my lease next month. Anonymous intercom call from 351 Brighton. Then anonymous call as I leave house about 3:45 p.m. K to W.P. Then decide to go to Castro instead. Ad on Muni says, “Blue Skies Smiling at You.” Drop by 440 Club. Walk in. Walk out. But for the first time I notice somebody going thru door in the back wall. Go to W.G. Buy Chron from Kahlil. I ask him if he’s related to Kahlil Gibran. He gets very excited and asks if I have read him. I say, “Yes.” He says, “Do you like him?” I say, “Of course.” Go to Peet’s on upper Market. Then walk up 17th Street, Corbett. Feel kind of “shitty.” So take #37 part way. Then Portola to #44 to F.H. Then K home. Stop by W.F. Check out with Antonio. Jeff and Cole also there.

June 16 dream:  Someone says, “There’s never anything wrong with the primal urges.”

June 16 dream:  Finish up research paper (about 27 pages). Realize I have to add a reference page. I’ve looked at about six books.

June 16 dream:  Guy rushes up to tell me about book about Gurdjieff. Later putting candy in a separate container with some other guys.

June 15, 2023:  Tough time with AOL in a.m. New email system screws everything up. In ’til 4ish. K to W.P. Cute little kid by himself on K. I talk with him about fire trucks parked nearby. Ezzy-Freezy lady gives me her pen. Brandon, Kai, barista, Bruce at Peet’s. Brandon tells me he’s studying fashion design at CCSF. He shows me small tat he’s going to get. We have a “date” on Thursday so he can show me his new tat, his new haircut and pearls around his neck. Bruce tells me about de Young Museum open exhibit for local artists. Go to W.P. library. Library science guy there. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola to #48 to W.P. K home. Go to W.F. Refrigerated food lady happy to see me. Bakery guy gives me free blueberry muffins. Check out with Cole. Woman ahead of us is talking about gas-lighting, which is exactly what I had been working with on my way home: how my father and step-mother gas-lighted me. And I was gullible enough to believe them, even though I was supposed to be the smart one of the kids.

June 15 dream:  Run into Mr. Pfister, my English teacher in 1964. he looked great. Now had red hair. Talked about his goiter and said he didn’t remember me or my step-sister Laurie. We had a choice of two events that evening. One on family history?

June 15 dream:  The importance of labeling pens in a photo.

June 15 dream:  Fantasize about moving back to Corvallis.

June 14, 2023:  Anonymous call in a.m. Realized the extra white, long-sleeved T-shirts I thought had suddenly appeared in my closet was really a very light lime green T-shirt. (*See diary of June 8.) Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Take K to Powell. Walk up Powell to Geary. Pass J’s apartment. Go to Hyde and Sutter to see beautiful homeless man I saw hier. He wasn’t there. #19 to Market. J train to G.P. Guy at 21st and Chattanooga Streets smiles at me. Go to G.P. library. Then #35 to Castro. Go to Peet’s on upper Market. Walk back to Castro Street. Woman in line for Castro Theatre smiles at me. Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola to M.S. Check out with Leo. He’s going to UCLA in August to study computer science. Burrito place. #43 home. Insight: Realize dream of threatening black guy from June 6 relates to me being intimidated by my apartment office. So I email them that I’ll return my signed lease (beginning on August 18) in July rather than later this week. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Room and board is my father’s responsibility, not mine.  My responsibility is to please my father, whether I want to or not. Conclusion: Truth makes its living by always joyfully yielding to Itself.

June 14 dream:  I talk to John at my place. I tell him he can come back if he wants. I open door. He’s there. He hadn’t knocked. Then I’m driving train or car and almost run off the road. I ask guy where we are. He says “Joaquin” or “Joshua Tree.” He has similar luggage as mine. I don’t want to talk to him.

June 14 dream:  Brad Pitt is in our group. I’m new to it. When he dances, he shows off his abs, then his ass, in the background while something else is going on in the foreground. We all raise our arms in salute as we end up at 9 p.m.

June 14 dream:  Leigh doesn’t like my painting. I go to bathroom and pee all over my pants. Another cousin laughs and says that happened to him back in the Midwest. He asked for my phone number which I gave him: 997-2382.

June 13, 2023:  In ’til 2:30ish. #49 to hypnotherapist appointment. We set up appointments for next two Tuesdays. Hope to get actual memory of my father’s sexual abuse of me rather than just feeling like he probably did. Come away feeling good. I understood the reason for my pattern of refusing sex with attractive people I really liked was to protect them from my father. After, see really beautiful homeless man sleeping on sidewalk. I want to take his photo but feel it would be an intrusion. Run into Rink on California Street. Walk to Market. F to Castro. My Lowell H.S. friend is there. His name is Josiah? As I’m talking with him, he sees a friend and just cuts me off. Take K home. Go to W.F.

June 13 dream:  Try to order pizza from guy in delivery truck. He says I can’t. It’s “Everything On It” pizza.

June 12, 2023:  In ’til 2:30ish. K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. #24 to Noe Valley. Acupuncture appointment with Liam. Realize disgust I feel with John probably relates to disgust I felt with my father. And also my sense of moral superiority. Take #24 back to Castro. Run into Anton again. Go to Peet’s on upper Market. See my Lowell H.S. friend who’s starting school (in psychology) at U. of San Diego in August. Feel “shitty” so take K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jeff. Shits when I get home.

June 12 dream:  Arnold Schwarzenegger is mayor of Sausalito? (h.o.)

June 12 dream:  In Olympia part of Bay Area with test on Greek culture.

June 12 dream:  Trying to get out of area. Go to building. Try to exit. They’re doing something illegal there. I tell them I don’t care. I just want an exit. They show me a fireplace flue. I say, “No. I’m not doing that.”

June 11, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Brandon, Ian and Kai at Peet’s. Nice talk with Brandon who tells me about new tats he’s going to get. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Then see Namantha talking with an elderly couple. He looks so happy. At the same time guy walking up Castro gives me the eye. I connect with him for a while. Then get back to checking out Namantha, who, besides being a generous person, has a very nice ass. Later I realize that guy giving me the eye was John’s friend (boyfriend? nephew?) from April 10. Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola to #48 to W.P. K home.

June 11 dream:  We are given new Bibles. Someone suggests we suck the milk from them.

June 11 dream:  Staying in L.A. and liking it. Steve Hines did it earlier and had success on Broadway (in L.A.)

June 11 dream:  Young guy asks me, “Can you see?” Girl in fancy dress knocks guy out of tree.

June 10, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. #29 and J to G.P. Go to C.B. Go to G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Go to M.S. Check out with Leo and “Haircut Ed.” Walk to F.H. Take K home. Cute guy in obnoxious hetero couple.

June 10 dream:  Hard-on dream.

June 10 dream:  Put two documents on computer.

June 10 dream:  Cat loose in the apartment.

June 10 dream:  Go next door for lunch. There are four of us. Billye Talmadge has prepared sandwich ingredients for us, including bacon.

June 9, 2023:  Get up late for me. In ’til 3:30ish. Cute deliveryman at 351 Brighton, across the alley from my building. He says, “Have a good weekend.” K to W.P. Meet young man. We begin talking. I travel with him all the way to Powell Street station. He’s an online investor. He’s 19 y.o. He’s on his way to his gym, the Olympic Club in downtown S.F. (*Relates to dream of June 7, I think.) His name is Hudson. Take Muni back to Castro. Go to Peet’s on upper Market. Sign apartment lease for next year. Then walk back to Castro Street. Walk by 440 Club. Go to W.G. Buy Chron. Walk up 18th Street and Market. Talk with guys who are cleaning up the trash from somebody’s front yard. Walk up Market, Corbett, Portola to #52 to F.H. Sit next to skateboarder. We both get on K. He tries to avoid connecting with me. I smile at him on his way out. Insight: Realize J’s shit-eating grin when I ran into him on September 1, 2022 may relate to his returning from a Grindr date. Upset me more than I would have thought. (*Relates to flash flood dream of June 3? Also to Ayahuasca experience of April 7?)

June 9 dream:  We’ve all been drinking. I feel tired but don’t make a fool of myself as I usually do when I drink.

June 9 dream:  Visit Livia’s house in Brooklyn. Enter behind a hetero couple. She looks at me suspiciously. I tell them I’m part of the family. Guy checks out his hair in the mirror. I say, “The all-important hair.” he says, “Yeah.”

June 9 dream:  Ancient horsemen going after my father (or John).

June 8, 2023:  Discover second white, long-sleeved shirt in my closet. In ’til 3ish. Take K to W.P. See “Carol Carter” (*See diary of May 14) at 14th Avenue. Kai, Brandon, Ty, Bruce at Peet’s. On way out talk with Patrick, retired SFPD, who tells me they’re keeping W.P. safe. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. See Namantha sitting in chair in parking space. I try to joke with him, but I think it got lost in the translation. Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola to M.S. See “Sir Allen” but he sneaks away. Eat peanut butter cookies which give me pelvic pain. #36 to F.H. Then K home. Young black guy gets excited seeing me. I think he’s on a Grindr date.

June 8 dream:  Someone put lots of string up over street which could be really dangerous for skateboarders, etc. Couple was cutting down the strings. I thanked them.

June 8 dream:  Taking Muni bus. Car goes in wrong lane backwards. Bus turns on emergency lights and goes in a different direction.

June 7, 2023:  In ’til 3:15ish. Beautiful guy leaning against lamppost on Ocean. I look. He smiles. K to W.P. Valentine, Nedim, barista at Peet’s. Valentine tells me she’s a senior at SFSU, studying zoology. She’s interested especially in birds. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. See Namantha talking to two black tourists. Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola to #52 to F.H. K home. Stop by Ingleside library for discussion of El Rey Theatre remodel. Group mostly of elderly homeowners. W.F. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Getting a better job can be galling and frustrating. Conclusion: Truth is one, shameless, naked expression of Truthfulness.

June 7 dream:  Guy on Muni turns to me and says, “You wanna go?” I say, “With you? Sure.”

June 6, 2023:  Computer goes down. In ’til 3ish. Take K to Castro. Sit near beautiful Asian guy who, when I finally speak to him, doesn’t respond. Take #35 to Toci Acupuncture. Get my Chinese meds. Walk back to Castro. Run into Ralph from Castro CBD. Then guy from hier who just go t back from England. Next block run into Anton, black & white photographer. We embrace. Beautiful Asian woman catches my eye. Go to Peet’s on upper Market. Walk up 17th Street, Corbett, Portola, to #48 to W.P. Take M to SFSU. #29 home. Computer back up.

June 6 dream:  Scary black guy outside my house when I’m all alone. He’s at our door. I open it and slam it in his face. I have two lead balls. I try to throw them at him but end up giving them to him. I have two apples I try to throw at him, but can’t.

June 6 dream:  At poetry class for high school students, teacher won’t read the poem of one student. But she stays on anyway. We’re outside next to a construction project. Some of the students sneak over their line. I suggest we all do. The construction foreman accuses us of “pinching.”

June 5, 2023:  Online work ’til 2ish. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. K to Castro. Sit near guy with long hair. For long time, couldn’t figure out if he was male or female. He sat like a man but had a face like a woman. I think he was a man. See handsome young guy at #24 bus stop. Strange guy smiles at me. Pass 440 Club. The “Castro Blight” poster board has been torn down. Go to W.G. Buy Chron. Take #35 to Noe Valley. End up sitting near same handsome young guy I saw at #24 bus stop. He exits. Other more beautiful guy wearing shorts, with tattooed thighs, campy sort of glasses, fingernail polish, but other wise your clean-cut All-American boy. Made me feel really good about the future. Acupuncture appointment with Liam. After, take #24 back to Castro. Meet older guy who says he just got back from England. I’m feeling good after my acupuncture appointment. J-like guy smiles at me. Go to Peet’s on upper Market. Walk back to the Castro. Decide to stop by 440 Club. Take pee there. Guy walks in on me as I’m peeing. Then leaves abruptly. Talk with doorman on way out. He tells me it’s underwear night. We both smile. I take K to W.P. Then walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Pass handsome young man playing catch with his little brother at a local mini-park.

June 5 dream:  Cashing an old check from work. (h.o.)

June 5 dream:  Trying to csh a 2nd check.

June 4, 2023:  Jerk off in a.m. Hear “Expect the Unexpected” in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. K. to W.P. Kai, Ty, Ian and Bruce at Peet’s. Talk with Kai and Bruce. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. It looks very inviting. I think of going in but don’t want John hiding from me like he ususally does. (*Relates to shits at G.P. library hier, I think.) Pass poster with my nemesis comment. (*See diary from June 2.) Realize I misspelled “nemesis.” Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola. Get down on myself for a while for not entering 440 Club. (*Relates to black guys fighting on #48 hier, I think.) Go to M.S. run into “Sir Allen” twice. Second time I stand next to him just to be in his presence. Check out with “Haircut Ed.” Take #43 to F.H. Guy with sparkling full-length dress sits across tracks from me. He begins playing some music. We talk briefly across the tracks. Then he goes east and I take the K west. As I enter K, guy checks out my crotch. I stand near him. I think he’s on a Grindr date. After he gets off, two other cute guys get on. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole again. I tell him, “You’re so fast.” He says, “Yeah. I know. I’m surprised I’m still here.” I say, “And yet you are.”

June 4 dream:  Giant dolphins in our Saratoga swimming pool. Tom has made friends with them. Laurie is getting to know them. I’m taking a few days off. Friend offers to help. I tell him. “I’m not chopping off my toes or taking two days off.”

June 3, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to San Jose Avenue. Take J to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Take shits at library. Walk thru G.C.P. to Portola Drive. Get on #48. Some loud black kids in the back. I start Translating. One black guy comes up to exit and challenge other black guy to get of the bus with him. It happens to be my stop. But I feel okay ’cause of my Translating. He backs down and I exit. Take K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. He tells me the station next to him is open. I say, “That’s okay.” He says, “But it’s open.” I say, “Are you closed?” He says, “No, but the station next door is open.” I say, “I’d rather stay here.” Tall, black man ahead of me in line smiles.

June 3 dream:  Someone trying to give advice to John about how to solve his problems. I’m there as well.

June 3 dream:  What do I have to do to heal me and the world? Little yellow v-shaped piece of plastic approaches.

June 3 dream:  Flash flood into my basement.

June 2, 2023:  In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Ian, Sophia, Nedim at Peet’s. Also Justin (*See diary of June 13, 2022) who used to work there. He said he still does. He’s back from Pepperdine U. Train to Castro. As I approach 440 Club get anonymous hang-up call. After passing 440 Club, run into Michael Petrelis outside vacant store on Castro. He and friend have put up sign-up page for people to make comments about “Castro Blight.” I write: “John is my nemisis [sic]. -m.z.” There is a film crew further up the street. Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola to #48 to W.P. Cute young guy on #48. Take K home. Go to W.F. Say “Hi” to refrigerated food lady. Checkout out with Cole. He seems really hyper. See Jeff on way out.

June 2 dream:  Big secretary likes me, shows me what she does. I like her, too.

June 2 dream:  Thane sick and maybe dying. Me adjusting. Thom Hartmann photo on TV screen.

June 2 dream:  Guy with shirt on showing his naked, well-formed, hairy ass.

June 2 dream:  Putting my new headphones in the laundry just like I did the old ones.

June 1, 2023:  Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 4:15ish. K to W.P. I see beautiful man standing outside Peet’s. I wait to follow him in. As he is ordering, I ask him about book he is reading. Something about advice from the East. After he sits down, I approach him again. He doesn’t seem interested in talking to me so I sit down. Kai, barista, Bruce at Peet’s. Talk with Bruce about his hip. Also to Kai about Ken Loach, British film director. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. See Namantha eating outside. His eyes look tired. Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola to #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Refrigerated food lady happy to see me. I check out at Cole’s station. Though someone else had taken over, he was still there, acting cute. Later I see “Carol Carter.” (*See diary of May 14.)

June 1 dream:  Save styrofoam cups from short, historic speech (on abortion?)

June 1 dream:  Supposed to give talk on Sunday and Thursday. Not sure if I’m ready. Also 60,000 will be coming to “panty raid.”

May 31, 2023:  Shits in early afternoon. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. On exiting, see my beautiful, dark-skinned high school friend from March 2. He’s looking even more beautiful and comfortable with himself. Brandon, Nedim, Sophia at Peet’s. Talk with Sophia. Joke with Nedim. Flirt with Brandon. He shows me photo of his buzz cut with flowers printed on it. Also black fingernail polish. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola to M.S. Run into “Sir Allen” in the restroom. He has a black mask on. I tell him he looks like the “Masked Avenger.” He laughs. Check out with Ian. He’s still surly. Take #52 to F.H. Meet S.F. State student studying biology and journalism. We fist-bumped on parting. I think he said, “I’m Ross.” I couldn’t understand what he said so I just smiled. He takes M train. I take K train home. See same fat old man on K going home as I did leaving home.

May 31 dream:  Working on table in cafeteria. I told busboy if he needed to clean my table, he could go ahead. (h.o.)

May 31 dream:  James Comey: “I’m going to get him to get me.”

May 31 dream:  I’m packing up all my stuff. Take a break and the rest of it has been packed. Thane there, not looking like himself. We tell him the story of how a large cockroach got us to get packing.

May 30, 2023:  In ’til 10 a.m. #29 and #38 to VA. Lots of noisy kids get on at Stonestown. Then one of them sees a cockroach in the back seat and they all clear off. Leaving me and one other rider sitting there. Rough ride on Muni portended the rough appointment at the VA. Wanted to remove skin tag from my lower eye lid. It became a major deal. Then they just did it. Walk home. Long line at La Promenade Café. Keep walking through G.G. Park. Guy walking with other guy with T-shirt reading “Fresh Local.” The cute one smiles at me. Stop by Asian bakery on Irving Street. My friend not there. Later on Irving Street, have spinach and feta pie. Then blueberry muffin from Arizmendi. Then #49 home. Stop by W.F. Talk with Javier again. Then check out with Jian. Work online. Take nap. Smoke alarm goes off in p.m.

May 30 dream:  Going into apartment that wasn’t mine but maybe would be. Roseanne Barr is the only person who sees me as a teacher. Old gay couple who live there invite me to sit down. John Tangney stops by.

May 30 dream:  Go into my bathroom which I had just cleaned. Rinse out my bathtub. Three candidates for office are talking. They ask my opinion about something about the race.

May 29, 2023:  In ’til 2ish. Take K to Castro. #24 to Noe Valley. Tell Liam that the acupuncture is not working. He says, “Okay.” After discussing, we decide to continue for 8 more weeks. (I also have vision confirming this during my session.) Walk to Peet’s on upper Market. Then walk up 17th Street, Corbett, Portola to #48 to W.P. M train stalls at 14th Avenue so I take #57 and #29 home. Go to W.F. Run into Jian as he is rushing to the lunch room. See cute EMT and then Javier. Talk briefly with Javier. Check out with Jeff.

May 29 dream:  Song title: “Hot as Ice.”

May 28, 2023:  Finish work by 1:30 p.m. Nap. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Evan, Kai, barista, Bruce at Peet’s. Bruce tells me he had his hip replaced. Made me feel good for some reason. Later I realized it was the Universe’s way of telling me I don’t have to worry about getting my hip replaced. Evan looked really hot today. I think he noticed me admiring him. As I waited in line for the restroom, I had an image in my mind of Evan coming over and me making way for him. Then he did come over and knock on the door just to make sure whoever was in there hadn’t fallen asleep or something. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 18th Street, Corbett, Portola to #48 to W.P. K home. Eat at 21 Tasting Place across the street from home. Nice guy there I could have chatted up but wasn’t really attracted to him.

May 28 nap dream:  Marianne Williamson trying to talk to young man. I try to hear what they’re saying. He says, “I still don’t know what a boom is.” She says, “A boom is a spiritual type.”

May 28 dream:  Several new good-looking men in the office. Someone suggests we go to fleabag hotel and fuck. (h.o.)

May 28 dream:  Being assigned prison time for online gambling. Guy asks if any gays are in the deck. I say, “Maybe a queen or two.”

May 28 dream:  Lots of desserts for Thanksgiving. Nothing else. Supposed to meet with friend at 8 a.m. Other Livia wants me to do something else.

May 27, 2023:  In ’til 3:15ish. #29 to San Jose Avenue. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Long line. Meet barista named Valentina. She says I can stay beyond the 5 p.m. closing while she cleans up. Go to G.P. library. People lining up at Diamond and Chenery Streets. #35 arrives shortly. I take it to the Castro. Walk by 440 Club. Walk up 17th Street, Corbett, Portola to #48 to W.P. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. He’s wearing a jade ring. Taking shower at home, my pelvic pain makes me feel like somebody’s mad at me. Realize it is my father.

May 27 dream:  Some of the guys complaining about high-pitched, well-built young man in brief Speedos. Not me.

May 27 dream:  In the East Bay, one couple throws up at the same time. I throw up, too, a little bit. Guy offers me his bowl of food to throw up in. So I do.

May 27 dream:  I’m jerking myself off with lots of other guys having sex.

May 26, 2023:  In ’til 4:15ish. K to W.P. Valentine, Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola to #48 to W.P. Insight: Realize, in addition to incorporating my father’s anger towards me for growing up, I also have my own internalized anger at myself for being different, for coming from God, for being better than everybody else. K home. Sit next to young man, originally so I could sit across from other young man. I never got a good look at who I was sitting next to. But I came to feel very protective of him. I said to myself, “I know I’ll only have a few minutes of my life with this young man, but for those few minutes I’m not going to let anybody hurt him.” As I get off K, he smiles at me. Go to W.F.

May 26 dream:  Post three videos online about church being provider of our house. In one of the videos, Aretha Franklin says, “Hallelujah! What happened for three years?”

May 26 dream:  Out on pier. Slide down railing with other guy. Then we jump into the ocean (the part which is shaded as opposed to the part in the sunlight). My feet feel something like metal so I stand up and wake up.

May 25, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. K and #29 to San Jose Avenue. Cute young guy exits #29 with me. I wolf whistle at him. J to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. #35 appears out of nowhere. I take it to the Castro. Pass 440 Club. B.A.R. publishes my letter to the editor re: Harvey Milk, Disneyland and the Castro. Walk up 17th Street, Corbett, Portola to M.S., RHSing my father on the way. Realize I have incorporated his anger at me for growing up. See Ian at M.S. He’s non-responsive. Check out with Leo. He asks my name. Go to SOTA Media Nite at Marcus’s recommendation. (*See diary of May 18.) Pretty enjoyable evening. I was in pain the for the first half. Then relaxed and told my father within that I know the pain isn’t biological. It’s psychological. Stay thru 2nd half ’til Marcus’s film Rush comes on. Then leave. Go to restroom. Meet guy there who knows Marcus and helped with his film. It’s cold outside as I wait for #48. But I’m shaking like a leaf. Realize it’s more than the cold. It’s the fear I felt standing up to my father earlier in the evening. Take #48 to #43. Sit across from two friendly guys. One was reading a book by Patti Smith. We talked about her, Robert Mapplethorpe, William Burroughs. It felt like I had met him before. We shake hands as I exit bus. Patti Smith book he recommended to me: Just Kids.

May 25 dream:  Preparing giant pitcher of lemon or lime-ade.

May 25 dream:  Zoe Robinson, me, and a few others spending the day trying to make cars out of plastic rather than get together somewhere. I had been at De Anza library.

May 25 dream:  War with Japan that preceded World War II.

May 25 dream:  Matt Lech says, “Click here if you’d like to fuck the Messiah.”

May 25 dream:  Lost in a black area of town. Saw picture I really wanted to take with my camera. The inside of my camera had been taken. Party starts at noon and I’m rushing around on bike trying to find place I can buy steaks. It’s around noon right now. Earlier: I asked Cathy Tackaberry where she got her steak. She smiled and said, “I’m not telling.”

May 24, 2023:  Hear “Ft. Collins” on Thom Hartmann show. In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Brandon, Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola to #44 to F.H. K home.

May 24 dream:  Multi-colored stars and stripes flag flying.Stripes with the word “phree” in them.

May 23, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Waiting for K, bee flies into my hair. Brandon, Ian, Nedim at Peet’s. Talk with Brandon about his haircut. As I enter W.P. station, handsome Asian man and his little boy, who has his hands over his ears. I put my hands over my ears. Handsome man smiles. Train to Castro. As I pass 440 Club guy with NYC hat exits. Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola to #48. Feel “shitty.” Take #48 to W.P. Then K home. Sit across from young unsmiling Asian guy with really nice lips. I keep admiring him. Cute guy on platform outside wearing a muscle T-shirt. I rush off the train to try to get a closer look. As I exit, he boards train with self-conscious smile. Excites me. Walk home. Take shit. Finally relaxing on the throne, get anonymous call.

May 23 dream:  Growing experimental lawn. (h.o.)

May 23 dream:  Neptune.

May 23 dream:  Return to S.F. after trip to Oregon. Glad I made the trip. Now I know I’m a New Yorker. Woman asks me what size my jacket is. I look. “It’s ‘M,'” I say. She tells me about book she’s written. I try to write down the name but forget it.

May 22, 2023:  In ’til 2:30ish. K to Castro. #24 to Noe Valley. Anonymous call on the way. Sit next to beautiful man on #24. He gets off at 19th Street. I try to see where he goes but he disappears. Other cute young guy notices me looking and smiles. Acupuncture appointment with Liam. He’s going to recommend a hypnotherapist for me to try to retrieve memory of sexual abuse from my father. Go to Peet’s on upper Market. Nice talk with baristo who I had met before. He’s a high school student at Lowell. Wants to go to U. of San Diego to study psychology and do graduate work there. Didn’t get his name. Walk up Market, Corbett, Portola to #52 to F.H. Take K home. Sit next to guy who looks familiar. Finally realize he’s the guy with the “Just do the right thing” bag from May 14. The train stalls and stays stalled. I ask guy whether he’s the guy with the “Just do the right thing” bag. He says he is. Then we both get off the train. He tries to distance himself from me. Muni finally sends shuttle bus. Go to W.F. Try to catch the eye of smiling, bleached-blond Asian guy. Watch Rear Window in p.m.

May 22 dream:  Long letter about COVID.

May 22 dream:  In astrology class with John. We are standing next to each other back to back. It feels great. Then we part. One of the questions was about the planet Mercury. I say, helpfully, “I think it has to do with communication.”

May 22 dream:  President Clinton talking about something.

May 21, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Sergio, Ian, Ty at Peet’s. Nice chat with Sergio. He’s flying south to L.A. to be with his family ’til Friday. Train to Castro. Walk on sunny side of Castro. Walk up 18th Street, Market, Corbett, Portola to M.S. See “Sir Allen” briefly. Ian even more briefly. Check out with Leo. He tells me his aunt used to go to psychics. Just miss #52 bus to F.H. Wait about 10 minutes in the cold for #44 to F.H. Meet Olivia at F.H. She’s writing in her diary. I tell her about my journaling. Then we talk about dreams. I tell her about my precognitive dreams. She seemed excited by that. She gets on M. I take K home. Take cold shower again.

May 21 dream:  Getting ready to go into battle on horseback. The alarms have just gone off at 9 a.m. The horse has been able to eat. And we tied rope around his legs for protection. I wondered how easy that would be to cut with a sword.

May 21 dream:  “How is your horse doing?” “Running in the upcoming race. Minding its own business.”

May 21 dream:  People getting ready for political debate.

May 21 dream:  In temp barracks, I look better. My hair is darker and fuller.

May 20, 2023:  Came to realization that every time we do a release in an RHS (Releasing the Hidden Splendour), we are participating in the universal release of everybody for everything. Post my idea on the BB (“RHSing for Everyone”). Shits at about the same time as I come to this realization. In ’til 3:30ish Walk to W.F. on Ocean Avenue. Joan calls me “happy-go-lucky.” Ian, Evan, and Sergio at Peet’s. Sergio gets my drink wrong. I say, “You’re just excited to see me.” Train to Castro. Talk to guy reading book called Dopamine. He tells me I should take a cold shoer for 30 seconds every time I take a regular shower. I tell him I will. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 18th Street. Beautiful guy at top of 18th Street heads to nearby art gallery. I follow him in briefly. Walk up Market and Corbett and Portola to M.S. Check out with Leo. See “Sir Allen” peripherally, I think. #44 to F.H. K home. Take cold shower. It makes me laugh like a little kid.

May 20 dream:  Black woman, white woman and white guy on some kind of caper. I stand with black woman ’cause I want to see her clean herself up after she shits herself. (Repeat dream.)

May 20 dream:  Bugati.

May 20 dream:  Me jealous of how two young guys get along. Customer wants his washing machine fixed.

May 20 dream:  Visit 22nd floor where I used to live. Little girl really happy to see me. And we hug a lot. Step-sister Laurie tells me she visited China and Central Europe as a child. I say, “Do you remember it?” She says, “No.” I say, “Well, then, it doesn’t count.” (*Relates to meeting Olivia on May 21?)

May 19, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to copy place to get ticket for Marcus’s media showcase next Thursday. Then take K and #29 to Church Street. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Go to G.P. library. Pick up Ravenswood book. (*See diary of May 13.) As I exit library, #35 comes around the corner so I take it to the Castro. As I pass 440 Club, guy in cap and gown gets applause from the crowd at the tables outside. Feel “shitty” so take K to W.P. Stand across from cute Asian guy who’s checking himself out in the train windows. Get off at W.P. Still feel “shitty.” So get back on train to Ingleside. Get take-out from 21 Taste House. My pelvic pain is pretty bad.

May 19 dream:  At Prosperos school, Liz Andrews there. Follow guy down steep cliff. He goes down. I stay back a bit.

May 19 dream:  At new job at church. They are talking to someone downstairs about being a lesbian. Guy comes up to me. He says, “We may want to talk to you, too.”

May 19 dream:  I’m reading from one of three verses in the Bible. It’s not making much sense. Maureen and other students are talking. I get mad, “Do you mind fi I finish this?”

May 19 dream:  John F. and Lula running up steps. They slip. John is carrying Lula and they both fall. John rolls over and is fine. Lula breaks off her back half. I try to Translate. Lula snaps at John.

May 19 dream:  C.I.I.S.

May 18, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Kai, Brandon, Ian at Peet’s. Bruce there also after trip to Northwest. Kai showed me his 5-minute video The Clean Up Crew on YT. It was pretty good. Brandon tells me he’s getting a followup haircut tomorrow. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. See Namantha at parklet across from his resto. Walk up 18th Street to Market to Portola. Just miss #52. Catch #48 to Woodside Avenue. Meet Marcus at Muni stop. He’s a media student at SOTA. I tell him about Kai’s video. He invites me to his video showing at SOTA next Thursday. (*Relates to last dream of May 17?) #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. He tells me he used to be a journalism student at CCSF, but switched to media since the journalism school is solely print-focused. Get three new shirts from Amazon.

May 18 dream:  Polar bear at party takes a liking to me.

May 17, 2023:  In ’til 11ish. Take K to Castro. Hot guy gets on K. He keeps looking at reflection of himself in the train windows. I wonder if he came on to me would I be willing to give up my past trauma with my father so I could go ahead and live my life. Go to W.G. Buy Chron. Take #35 to Noe Valley. Meet John F. at Barney’s Gourmet Burgers. Nice getting together with John again. The resto was expensive and really disappointing. Take #24 with John to Castro. I get off and go to Peet’s. Then walk up Market to 17th Street. Follow guy up 17th Street to Twin Peaks. Then I lose him. Very cold and windy and foggy on T.P. Walk to M.S. See Sir Allen, Haircut Ed and check out with Ian who tells me he’s waiting to take his electrician’s test. Take #52 to F.H. Meet SOTA student. I compliment him on his cowboy hat. He’s a theater student. Currently in production of Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest. I read a review recently of this play in which the main character’s change of heart came about after a night of homoerotic play. Take K home. Go to W.F. Stand in line behind tall, cute, statuesque, non-communicative guy. As I follow him out of W.F., run into Javier (from January 30). He’s growing a mustache and smiles self-consciously. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Sometimes those in power don’t know when it’s time to step down and let someone else have a turn. Conclusion: One always has the right, the opportunity, to mount the throne of Truth, being all-knowing, all ability, all having, all holding, all possessing, all ability. (*Relates to woman on May 13 in G.C.P. saying “Come on up”?)

May 17 dream:  Dream of witnessing.

May 17 dream:  Small area south of Market with cardboard banners like “Shroud” and a bar called “Champs-Elysees.” Guy with green robot head with no facial features. I’m talking with a guy who lives there. (h.o.)

May 17 dream:  Job I don’t understand with instructions hard to make out. Boss says, “You’ve read the instructions.” In nice wealthy party of San Francisco even though people in L.A. say we’re a suffering city.

May 16, 2023:  Wake up early for me. About 8:30 a.m. Fire alarm tests begin about 10:30. As soon as they begin my internet goes down. Tests last about an hour. After, my internet is still down. I call in to Monkeybrains, my provider. And take nap. After ,nap internet comeack on. In ’til about 6 p.m. Guy at Ingleside library smiles at me alluringly. K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Buy Chron at W.G. See young man and his dog at 18th and Castro Streets. Stick around for a whole. Then John lookalike guy passes by. I walk up 18th Street to Corbett to Portola. On Portola, I turn around suddenly to see if #52 is arriving. Catch the attention of young woman on bike. #44 to F.H. K home. K loses power just before W.P. Muni technician has to come onboard and restart it.

May 15, 2023:  In ’til 2ish. Smiling Asian guy at Lee Avenue Muni stop. K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. #24 to Noe Valley. Talk to young guy outside barbershop on 24th Street. He recommends them. Acupuncture appointment. Liam tells me his dad is on YT talking about ancient civilizations. See “Essau” during my session. Go to Noe Valley library. Then to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Go to Peet’s on Market. Walk home via 17th Street. Find pile of X-Large long sleeve shirts (two black, two Navy, two ribbed black) all neatly washed and folded sitting on ledge in front of house. I take one of each. Then think, “Well, if this is a gift from the Universe, who am I to deny the whole gift?” So I go back and take all six shirts. Reminds me of the Bible quote “Consider the lilies of the field.” And if the Universe can provide me with shirts just my size, just my taste, I should just relax and allow the Universe to provide me with the living situation I need. Walk up Corbett. See Siamese cat. Go up to Portola. My phone’s not in my jacket. I panic. Go back down hill. Translate “misplaced.” Realize that there is only one place and that is Consciousness. So I put my bag on a closed garbage can and take out all six shirts. And there it is. Somehow I had put my phone in my bag, though I don’t remember doing that. Feel good. Take #33 to Cole Valley . Take #43 home . Go to W.F. Check out with Jian.

May 15 dream:  Governor of state has to save time to do part-time job. Has to do with driving a semi truck.

May 15 dream:  Harriet talks to family about the trauma of first love. I say, “Can you expand on that?” She says, “Well, your father, for example, is one of the first men to fuck me sideways.”

May 15 dream:  Guy calls me up to tell me they’re nominating me for Goldman Man of the Year.

May 14, 2023:  John Atwater calls in a.m. I suggest he speak at the upcoming Prosperos Assembly which he’s helping to plan. Get email from lender responding to my request for a loan pre-approval. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Car crash at St. Francis Circle. Later little girl on sidewalk singing “Let it be.” Can’t find Sunday paper anyplace. Go to Ezzy-Freezy. They don’t have paper either. Talk with my friend there about Warriors’ loss. Kai, Ty, new baristo at Peet’s. Kai has his fellow film students filming outside and inside Peet’s. Talk with Ty about her YT video which I couldn’t find. It was done when she was in elementary school. Talk to Kai about the movie Hereditary, which he recommended to me. Feel “shitty” at Peet’s. Relates to Kai? Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Buy paper at W.G. Still feel “shitty” so walk back to Castro Station. Take M back to W.P. Library there closed. Take M to Ocean Avenue. See cute guy in blue get on. Look for Sunday Examiner on Ocean Avenue. Don’t find Examiner but do run into cute guy in blue at Vietnamese sandwich shop. He’s ordering sandwich, so I order one, too. It’s not that good. But nice talking with guy. He’s going to yoga class next door. Take K home. Sit next to another cute young guy who kind of smiles as I enter train. Homeless guy asks me how to get to Balboa Station. I tell him. Cute young guy has bag that says: “Just do the right thing.” I say, “What’s the right thing?” He says, “I don’t know.” I laugh and say, “I don’t know either.” As he gets off at next stop he turns around and says, “Have a nice evening.” (*Relates to Carol Carter dream of May 11?)

May 14 dream:  Trying to line up two racers.

May 14 dream:  We go to visit sick Indian boy and the wild animal that is taking care of him.

May 13, 2023:  Rough nite last nite. In ‘ti 3:30ish. K to Balboa Station. J to G.P. See dead rat on pedestrian walkway. Go to C.B. Nice new barista there. Two hots guys come in and go out. Go to G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. On climbing up steps on exiting, woman says to me, “Come on up.” #48 to W.P. M home. Cute young Japanese guy gets off at Stonestown. Go to B.S. Two loud black women try to get my attention. Walk home from there.

May 13 dream:  Thinking of making up with Bill Fennie. Get emotional. Go outside. Can feel the warmth of the day on the railing, even thought it’s dark now. Wonder if they have coyotes around. Feel I’m getting lost. (h.o.)

May 13 dream:  Back east in New Hampshire with step-sister Laurie. We’re in the woods near a creek, kind of like our Saratoga house. See a rabbit. It’s huge. Then a huge coyote with two dogs. Strange man enters forest. Everybody evacuates. I stay behind to make sure I make it out.

May 13 dream:  Visit theme park north of L.A. Someone asks if I want to go to Ravenswood with them to visit Jordan, my nephew. I say, “Okay.” Later I run into Jordan. He says, “I love you.” I say, “I love you, too.” He says, “But you don’t know how to do it.” He’s naked at the time and packing his things. He invites me to go to Ravenswood with him. I say, “Okay.” I know I should ’cause I hardly ever see him. Earlier I talk with my brother Tom. I ask him if he voted for Trump. He says, “Yeah.” I say, “Did you see the CNN town hall?” he says, “Yeah.”

May 13 dream:  Doctor looking at skin tag on my right eye lid.

May 12, 2023:  In ’til 3:309sh. K to W.P. Ian, Ty and Nedim at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Friendly dog without a leash in front of club. Walk down Castro. Hear: “Hold your horses, Batman!” Walk up 18th Street to Market. Pass cute, short, young, blond guy who smiled to himself as he passed me. Walk up to Corbett and Portola to M.S. Take pee. Toilet there is flushing endlessly. I tell woman working there about it. She’s so nice to me. It takes me aback. I feel myself unconsciously turning my butt towards he as if in thanks. Check out with ”Haircut Ed.” #44 to F.H. Cute young guy on K home.

May 12 dream:  Lots of not very attractive guys naked or near naked.

May 11, 2023:  Apply for S.F. BMR apartment. Fantasize about moving there (south of Market). In ’til 3:30ish. My red and white pants arrive from Amazon after the shipment which was lost. K to W.P. Brandon, Kai, Ian at Peet’s. Feel “shitty” early on at Peet’s (which I think relates to Brandon). Talk with Ian. Not with Kai or Brandon. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. See Namantha at outdoor parklet. See DEAM on vanity plate. Means: “Drop Everything And Masturbate,” Google says. Walk up 18th Street to Market to Portola to #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian though Cole was working right next to him. Jian is talking with tall, handsome black guy who seems to be really enjoying talking with him. I feel jealous. Nice talk, though, when it becomes my turn. Jian thinks ’cause I live upstairs that I’m a millionaire. I tell him, “I’m not.” He says, “Well you could be.”

May 11 dream:  There is an earthquake in my dream. All the lights go out.

May 11 dream:  Carol Carter says she finally wants to have sex with me. I rush to get ready. I ask Mary Ritley what room’s she’s in in a very large hotel (like The Shining). She isn’t saying. (*Relates to meeting “Do the right thing” guy on May 14, I think.)

May 10, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nedim, Ty, barista at Peet’s. Feel depressed. Train to Castro. Go to sunny side (east side) of the street. See tall, handsome young man. He intimidates me. So I know I must approach him. He stops at Fabulosa Books at the outside book bin. I say, “Are these books for free?” He says, “I don’t think so.” He’s looking at book with “Dutch” in the title. I say, “Are you Dutch?” he says, “No. I’m from Belgium.” Then adds, “I don’t think it’s that kind of Dutch.” We both smile. Walk up 18th Street to Market to Corbett to Portola to #48. Sit near guy who is putting something into his tight pants. I sit closer. He rings bell to get off. I think he wanted me to make a move. Go to W.P. K to Mealtime Cafe. Stop by Sweet Cupz. Sweet guy there from May 8. Wave to young guy across the street who I thought was waving at me. He wasn’t. Walk home with Avocado Smoothie (from Sweet Cupz) and Chicken Teriyaki (from Mealtime Cafe). Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: I want to live in a different place where I can feel safe and rooted. Conclusion: I am safe and sound in the holy presence of My One True Self. Insight: Realize the discomfort I feel in my body is similar to he discomfort I feel in my apartment. That my body/my apartment does not feel fully mine.

May 10 dream:  Trying to get guy to run off report at low volume. He seems to hear us but no report. I make a big movement to get my things and go home, hoping that might spur him to action.

May 10 dream:  At graduation breakfast, guy with hooked hand says he’s going to let out a scream of pain when he graduates. I say, “Some of us are going to be happy.” Pancakes are being served. However, no plates yet.

May 10 dream:  Family is in Chicago at hotel. From there we fly to L.A. Then up to S.F. Old Asian woman with blood spurting out of her hand asks us to call 911 which we do. Medics arrive right away.

May 9, 2023:  Get call from Corvallis about mobile home. Get excited. Then get anonymous phone call. In ’til 3ish. Walk to San Jose Avenue. Take J to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Go to Canyon Market. Check NextBus and see #35 is coming in 2 minutes so decide to take it. Get off at 19th Street. Walk up Castro. See Namantha. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Market to Corbett to Portola to M.S. Check out with Leo who I first met on April 8. He tells me (again) that he’s a Scorpio. I exit store. Then Google “Scorpio Sun” and go back to show him. Nobody’s in his line at the time. Take #36 to F.H. K home. Run into Shrey on K. He introduces me to his friend Nick Haste, who is also a photographer. Nick gets off K. Shrey and I walk home together.

May 9 dream:  In review of class, classmate calls me a “blond swan.” He says, “A blond swan is good.” Earlier horse sat on top of me so we could get to know each other.

May 9 dream:  People exhausted toward the end of marathon Translation session. I say, “Can I offer a poem?”

May 8, 2023:  In ’til 2ish. Connect with beautiful Asian guy at Muni stop. Then sit near him on K. He grabs his butt twice (while sitting). He gets off at St. Francis Circle. Then I notice short black guy with hoodie who reminds me of Daniel. We both get off at Castro. Pass 440 Club. Run into Namantha on the sidewalk. #24 to Noe Valley. Nice cashier at Walgreens. Acupuncture appointment with Liam. Great session again. Get burrito on 24th Street. Walk up Sanchez. As I pass Ford Street, I think of George Thomson who lived there with his lover. As I’m thinking of him, woman sweeping the sidewalk smiles at me. Go to Peet’s on Market. Walk up Market to Corbett to Portola to #44 to F.H. K home. Walk back a few blocks to see guy I saw from the train. He wasn’t there by the time I got there. Sweet guy at Sweet Cupz. Find Mealtime Cafe, which might be a nice place to eat. Walk home.

May 8 dream:  Old Japanese lady owner of grocery store upset at the person who is selling drugs there. I try to find actual place book.

May 8 dream:  Trying to make some German toast.

May 8 dream:  I’m moderator of gay group. I stand up to make announcement: “Anyone who can show evidence of having looked at the calendar gets a $1 for each day.” Big charity football game coming up. Get tickets online

May 7, 2023:  Wake up to Course in Miracles meeting with Tony Ponticello on my cell phone. Watch YT video of Terry Crews talking about his father and finally learns to say, “No! No! No!” And I felt his standing up to his father like I was standing up to my father and it made me cry. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Evan, Nedim, Ty, and Kai at Peet’s. Evan goes out of his way to tell me he went to his senior prom and to his girlfriend’s senior prom. I tell everyone it’s my birthday today. Nedim asks me, “How old?” Then says, “22?” I say, “I feel 22.” Talk with Kai on way out about his 5 minute video project and about The Sopranos. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Up 18th Street to Market to Corbett to Portola to #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian. Tell him it’s my birthday today. I ask him when his birthday is. He says, “It’s coming up. I’ll tell you on the day.” Get email from step-sister Laurie saying that I want nothing to do with her and Nancy. I reply, “I’ve got nothing against you and Nancy, I just don’t want to pretend that everything’s fine and dandy with our family, ’cause the more I see it in myself, the more I see that it was not.” (*This relates to my clear pool dream of May 5, I think. In that dream I am doing something a woman (my step-sister) doesn’t like, and yet we both fall into a clear pool, which is my statement that our family is dysfunctional. And my reaction to the Terry Crews YT earlier set the stage for this breakthrough.)

May 7 dream:  Nasty cat keeps scratching at me. We’re trying to apply for some money.

May 7 dream:  Reading over play written with same old people, including Barbara Boxer. Get the giggles … like we were high.

May 7 dream:  Guy drives me down to 3rd level of parking garage. Says masturbating and pussy was what made him successful. There’s some red lights flashing. Then he hops out of the car and it’s going by itself, only it’s heading up instead of down.

May 6, 2023:  Read article in SFist about the Bay Bridge bike path from Oakland to Treasure Island opening on May 7. (*Oakland and San Francisco connecting in this accessible way relates to me gaining access to my shadow side?) Calvin calls in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. See scaffolding going up around El Rey Theatre on Ocean Avenue. Makes me happy. Brandon, two baristas at Peet’s. Brandon very happy to see me. Makes me uneasy. As I leave, I talk briefly with him. He tells me about his nose stud. Says that it will take nine months to heal completely. I tell him (jokingly) that I think I should get one, too. Go to W.P. Station. Meet young guy on motorized scooter. We talk ’til train arrives and on train ’til I get off at Castro Station. Walk by 440 Club. Walk up 18th Street to Corbett Avenue to #48 to W.P. Take K home. Cute guy smiles at me. I talk to him briefly. He tells me he’s a DJ at Stratos drag bar at Ocean and San Jose Avenues. I think he may be the clear pool I dreamed of in the 2nd dream of May 5. So I follow him and two women to the bar. DJ disappears. I try to order drink but they don’t wait on me, so I sit down and wait for the show to begin. After about 15 minutes, I decide to leave. #29 home.

May 6 dream:  Dream I’m spending second nite in a room sleeping on floor with three others. Decide to sleep on the couch. (h.o.)

May 6 dream:  In Unitarian-type church group, masculine woman who enjoys being the one stumbling block to the minister’s plans. Later she turns into the beautiful John we all know and love. And all the guys are following him. Then he and the minister talk. John hits a boxing glove sticking out of the wall. Then all the guys followed the minister.

May 6 dream:  Getting ready for final number in big concert. I lost my friends who I was with, but get a seat very close to the band, which was a duo but is now a solo. Bernie Sanders organized the event. John was there earlier but I think he left.

May 5, 2023:  Really get down on myself ’cause of first dream of last night about retreating from dangerous lions on a cliff and not jumping into pretty clear pool of water. Then at one point, I reverse myself and just stop getting down on myself. Get BMR invite from Oakland, so I apply. Fantasize about moving there, as a sort of graduation from San Francisco. Also, renew my lease. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nedim, Ian, barista at Peet’s. Nice looking guy comes in and meets with a friend. The friend leaves. The guy stays. I think this is probably the guy I dreamt about last night. (*See first dream of May 4.) So I go up to him and ask him a stupid question about the earplugs in his ear. Later outside I decide I’m going back in there to ask him where I can get some earplug. Just then he exits Peet’s. So I go up to him and ask him. He says, “You can get them at an Apple store.” I say, “You mean like downtown?” He says, “Yeah.” I say, self-deprecatingly, “I’m a little out of the loop.” He says, “Have a great weekend.’ Take train to Castro. Take #37 up to Romain Street. Then walk to M.S. See “Sir Allen” but we don’t talk. Check out with young lady who wishes me a happy Cinco de Mayo. I say, “May the 4th be with you.” She liked that. Then walk home via Miraloma and Yerba Buena and Plymouth Avenues.

May 5 dream:  Bus decorated with Michigan theme and “Michigan” banner.

May 5 dream:  Man doing something woman doesn’t like. She chases him into pool, falling in after him along with a large bookshelf.

May 4, 2023:  I accidentally press button to start newly designed AOL email setup. Finally figure out how to put it back to the way it was, but I screw up the Bathtub Bulletin daily updates and it pisses me off. Then can’t get Thom Hartmann Program on YouTube and get more angry. Wonder if the anger might relate to my father. Being disappointed in someone I had relied on. In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Smiling guy with paintings on K. I sit next to him. He’s taking art classes at CCSF. He shows me his art. Two of the pieces were male nudes. Get off at W.P. Station. Go to Eezy-Freezy and talk briefly with my Sacred Heart friend. He’s nice to me today. Go to Peet’s. Brandon, Ian, Kai there. Brandon very happy to see me. Also Kai’s two friends from April 27. I find out later from Kai that they also work at Peet’s, but a different one. Train to Castro. Almost rainy day. Decide to take the K home. Then decide to walk. Go up Corbett, Portola to #48 to W.P. Take wrong train. Then get on K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian. He’s still joking about me filling out an application to work there. Get note from apartment office wanting me to renew my lease.

May 4 dream:  Want to walk down road to get someplace. There are several lions on top of cliff looking down. I decide to try to go another way. See big pool I’d love to dive in but I don’t. Ask guy for directions. He says, “There’s no connection this way.” (*Relates to meeting guy at Peet’s on May 5?)

May 4 dream:  Looking at Apt. 2 in building far away from S.F. (*Relates to applying for BMRs in Oakland on May 5?)

May 3, 2023:  In ’til 1ish. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. #24 to Noe Valley acupuncture. Tell Liam about my dream during session: That I’m almost home and that everything will be fine as soon as I get there. He tells me of lady earlier today who, in one session, got rid of some chronic problems. Walk to Castro. Pass 440 Club again. Go to Peet’s. Then leave to find Examiner. Cute guy in very short shorts at Sanchez. Find Examiner and return to Peet’s. Go to Castro Station. Decide to go see the new Central Subway to Chinatown. Enter train behind cartoonishly hot guy who I sit across from. Then find I’m also sitting across from another hot guy who kind of smiles to himself. Second hot guy gets off at Van Ness. First hot guy gets off at Powell with his boyfriend and me. He looks back a couple of times. Really like the Central Subway. It’s very spacious but not very crowded. Makes me feel good about S.F. again. Take K home. Three people offer to give me their seats. I want to stand so I can be close to guy I’m monitoring. Go to W.F. Refrigerated food lady wants me to reserve some deviled eggs for tomorrow since they are on sale. I say, “Okay.” See “The Wait is Over” in p.m.

May 3 dream:  My father acting in a play with me, Nancy O. and others. I take Nancy aside and say how impressed I am at how seriously my father is taking his role. Later Bill Floyd and I talk. He’s kind of sitting on my lap. I ask him about his books on drugs. And kind of stammer. I’m really attracted to him.

May 3 dream:  Go to art store. Supposed to take six paintings from the artist to show at gallery. Girl there gets excited. “Are you getting married?” I say, “People are saying…”

May 2, 2023:  #43 and #23 to G.P. See good-looking young man with his girlfriend. They go into C.B. I follow them. I sit near him. Nothing much happens ’til his girlfriend goes to the restroom and I’m about to leave. He checks himself out in the mirror and then sits down and smiles at me as I prepare to leave. I go to library next door. When I exit, he and his girlfriend are standing in the doorway trying to stay out of the rain. I head into Canyon Market. Then I see the #35 bus to the Castro and I jump on it. Get off at 19th Street. Woman at resto greets me. Pass 440 Club. Still sort of raining but I walk up Market to Corbett to Portola. My Muni app says the #52 would arrive in 17 minutes so I thought I had plenty of time, but a #52 passes me early. I think, “Oh, well, maybe I’m supposed to meet somebody.” And I do meet someone briefly at Market and Woodside. Then #44 arrives right away. Take #44 to F.H. K home. B-day card from Janet Wedekind, who’s related to me somehow.

April 2 dream:  Working in 8 minute segments, trying to save whole blocks of time. (h.o.)

April 2 dream:  Thane brings us altogether and wants us to redouble our efforts to give classes. I think he asks me directly. Guy saying his house is not all that great meets up with guy who built it. I’m eating a ham and mustard sandwich.

April 2 dream:  No food on the elevator. It’s going up.

April 2 dream:  Telling Harriet, “You have no right to tell somebody else about what goes on in our counseling sessions, especially my roommate.” She says, “Well, somebody has to.”

April 2 dream:  Taking care of little plastic baby, whose nose falls off but it’s still giggling.

May 1, 2023:  I meant to email the SFMTA, but accidentally email SF Mime Troupe. They email me back inviting me to one of their shows. I reply, “I’m stuck in a box.” They reply, “It’s not that kind of mime.” I reply, “Never mind. I figured out how to get out of the box. P.S. It’s all in my imagination.” Later wonder if that applies to my pelvic pain as well. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Sophia, Ian, Nedim at Peet’s. Rough crowd. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 18th Street to Corbett to Portola to M.S. Take shits at M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen” who is somewhat distant. #52 passes me by. Take #36 to F.H. K home. Sit two seats behind young hetero couple. Guy is beautiful happy Asian man. At one point, he laughs and, looking back at me, we lock eyes. Then they get off. Makes my day. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian, who asks me (jokingly) about my application (*See diary from hier.) Work on book in p.m.

May 1 dream:  Taking everything down and getting rid of it.

April 30, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Run into Shrey Purohit. We ride the K into W.P. He tells me he’s going to move soon since they raised their rent by $1,000. Go to Peet’s. Jasmine, Valentine and Nedim there. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 18th Street to Corbett to Portola to #48. Interesting woman in back seat of #48. Sit near her. Go to W.P. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian. We joke about my filling out an application to be a “walker” there.

April 30 dream:  At work I ask, “Are we finished with the project?” The boss wants us all to partner up. I’m left with the geekiest guy or a girl who hates me. (But I think we’re all done.)

April 30 dream:  We let off Michael J. Fox. He and I hold hands as he runs along. Then we’re stopped and he wants me to send him info for upcoming get-together. It’s 10. I have a few other notes written down which may be old.

April 29, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Barista, Nedim, Ian at Peet’s. Go to W.P. library. Talk with library science guy (*See diary of April 21.) Train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett, Portola. Hear woman singing softly in the bushes to my left on Portola. #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Don’t really want to check out with Cole but he’s wide open as I approach checkout station and I really have no choice. But Cole is very sweet to me. And he kind of makes my otherwise very overcast day. Work on book in p.m.

April 29 dream:  Meet up with someone who tells me the last job he had to do was with a … and he’s reworking it. VA van with Vietnamese writing. Looks like food truck. Someone else enters all the data onto yellow-outlined computer pages.

April 29 dream:  Two black women giving me a haircut and a hard time.

April 28, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Follow cute Asian guy who doesn’t want to be followed. Same with guy on K who I sit across from. Go to Eezy-Freezy. Sacred Heart cashier there who is very standoffish as well. (*See diary of April 21.) Nedim, barista at Peet’s. Connect with crossword puzzle lady as I leave. She was pleased to be connected with. Go to W.P. library. Then train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Up 18th Street to Corbett. Friendly Siamese cat on Corbett. Also cute, young friendly guy walking his dog across Corbett. On to Portola. Loud girls in car at Burnett yell at me: “Dumb ass!” This bothers me. Catch #44 to F.H. Hot masculine Asian guy sitting across from four young Asian women in the back of the bus. At first I don’t go there, but then I do. Later I realize that the abusive girls in the car probably played into me wanting to face the four Asian woman in the back of the bus, and to reach my hot, masculine Asian stud, which I did. K home from F.H. Work on book in p.m.

April 28 dream:  Eating sandwich with some ants on it. I eat it anyway. (h.o.)

April 28 dream:  At Prosperos assembly-type event. One guy in his underpants goes under the bed, followed by another guy, followed by me. It feels really good. Then we are supposed to pay attention to the number of people and a few other facts about the group. Sara Walker there, looking lost.

April 28 dream:  Sara drops toys. I pick them up. Then later another woman does the same thing, knowing that I will pick them up.

April 28 dream:  Go to Ginger Roger’s home and watch Fred & Ginger movie on TV. It takes about a half hour before they finally start dancing. A couple of old women in the house.

April 28 dream:  Young fat kid being worshipped by younger guy.

April 27, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk out to Ocean Avenue. Realize I forgot my glasses. Then realize I forgot my wallet. So go home and pick up wallet and glasses. Wonder if I’m losing my mind. Go to Peet’s. Brandon, Kai, Ian there. I’m flirting with Brandon who is gong to have his nose pierced. As I wish him luck, young guy (who turns out to be a friend of Kai’s) smiles at me. I wave back, kind of knocked off balance. (*Relates to leaving my glasses and wallet—my identity—behind earlier?) Talk with Kai on way out. He recommended some movies to me. Train to Castro. Beautiful day. Walk up Castro to G.P. Go to Canyon Market. And G.P. library. Walk home. Work on book in p.m. Insight: Something about the way my pants fit made me feel ashamed of myself, and not for the first time. But this time I was able to stop myself and instead of getting down on myself, realize where the discomfort came from and try to deal with that. (*Relates to my ayahuasca evening on April 7?)

April 27 dream:  Cutting through clothes to find ones I can wear. Give military-type jacket to Nancy O. to try on. (h.o.)

April 27 dream:  Looking for a place to eat. Pass fashion show with near naked men. One smiles at me insisting I sit down. Pass the show. Then decide to go back. (h.o.)

April 27 dream:  I am not chosen to interview the male models but I still want to see them.

April 27 dream:  Group of Translators in hotel banquet room.

April 26, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Admire cute young guy . He smiles. Then turns around. And so do I. Then he kind of waves and so do I. I get on K. As I get off K, notice same beautiful guy I had seen at least twice before on the K. He smiled and kind of expected me to follow him down 14th Avenue. (*See diary of March 2.) This time he gave ma an angry look. Go to Peet’s. Sophia, Jasmine and Nedim there. I give Jasmine the Chron review of Beau is Afraid which I had cut out for her. Didn’t realize ’til too late that it was a negative review. Train to Castro. Beautiful day. Shirtless guy at 18th and Castro. I smile at him. He goes into W.G. I wait for him to come out. He doesn’t. So I go in. This time he give me a dirty look. Walk up Corbett to Portola to #44 to F.H. K home. W.F. Email John King at the Chron re W.F. at Trinity Place. Insight: Realize reason I like to sleep on my futon without unfolding it, is because it reminds me of the couch I used to sleep on when I stayed over at Nannie’s in S.F.

April 26, 2023:  I’m crawling on the ground. The sun behind a cloud. For some reason I must crawl. See a black-sead globe on the path. Want to take a photo but I don’t have my camera. See Hugh Grant lookalike (with a short beard) but he speeds off on the back of a cart. (h.o.)

April 26 dream:  Invasion of ants in my living space. Later cats?

April 26 dream:  Take 2:30 plane to N.Y. with Jean Evans. She buys the tickets.

April 25, 2023:  See Facebook photo that really turns me on. I get all hot and bothered. Then receive 10 anonymous hangup calls. In ’til 2ish. Waiting for K. Beautiful guy waiting with me. I know I must speak to him. So I ask him if a train in coming. He looks it up on his phone and tells me, “One minute,” holding up his index finger. He gets on #29. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Buy Chron at W.G. Wait at 18th and Castro for #24. I go across the street to sit with beautiful friendly guy who’s sitting with other guy. Beautiful guy looks at me while he’s talking to his friend. Go to acupuncture. Relaxing time with Liam. Insight: Think maybe I feel guilty about having sex with men ’cause I’m betraying my promise to be “Mommy’s handsome little prince.” Realize Whole Foods at Trinity Place, which recently closed due to alleged S.F. street life, could possibly use the space available at the new IKEA three blocks away. Walk up Diamond to Castro. Pass 440 Club again. Go to Peet’s on Market. Cute guy smiles at me. Later he leaves shortly after me and I notice that he’s ever more beautiful than I thought. Lose my pink daily notes post-it. Go back to Peet’s and friendly black gay barista picks it up out of the garbage can for me. Walk back to Castro. Pass 440 Club again. See Namantha outside at table again. I don’t speak with him. Up 18th Street to Market to Corbett. Cute skateboarder smiles at me at Clayton. Up Corbett to Portola to #52 to F.H. K home. Now I think I’m in love with Liam.

April 25 dream:  Take photo of men in pink dresses holding pink flowers after missing my initial shots.

April 25 dream:  Rose Scarf pushes other women out of the way to sit with me.

April 25 dream:  See Ricardo behind labyrinth of doors.

April 25 dream:  Exercising in big old building. Quit my job and now I don’t want to leave the city. I see it coming back to life.

April 25 dream:  Eating at crowded resto. Waitress says they have a resto at Hollywood & Highland.

April 24, 2023:  In ’til 3:15ish. K to W.P. Sophia, Ian and Nedim at Peet’s. Train to Castro. I’m wearing my tight red pants and red shirt. Guy in Castro Station gives me the once over. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 18th Street, Corbett and Portola to M.S. Get in line to check out with Ian. When it’s my turn, Ian is no longer there and he’s replaced by “Sir Allen.” #44 to F.H. K home.

April 24 dream:  At a wake. Oprah and a few others there. I say, “Where’s a local market?” I feel like I’d like to bring something (h.o.)

April 24 dream:  I’m getting married. I give a little speech which I’m nervous about. Then black guys with enormous fan-like hats on in audience. My speech is about an app you can use to send food and other things to people you love.

April 24 dream:  Woman drives away in my black Mercedes Benz. I’m sitting in back seat. I tell her to pull over. She seems to be doing that, telling me that she’s just helping me.

April 24 dream:  Go to my new apartment. Electricity slowly comes on. Woman roommate calls someone on the phone. Gift for Nancy O. The flowers on it are fading. Three phone message for me, which are hard to hear.

April 23, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Crossing Ocean Avenue, plastic “Attention” sign falls on me. Evan, barista, Bruce and Sergio at Peet’s. Evan very happy to see me. Barista gets me my usual drink before I even order it. Bruce and I talk for a while. Later Sergio appears. He ignores me ’til I approach him. I give him The Source by James Michener. He says he just finished a book about Phil Knight, founder of Nike. Later he comes up to me and asks if i’ve read Cather in the Rye.” When I leave, I suggest A Separate Peace to him. (*Relates to comment hier in G.C.P. about being a dad? That’s what it felt like.) Waiting for train to Castro, Cute skateboarder grabs his ass. I sit across from him. Pass 440 Club on Castro. Then see Namantha eating outside, near his café. We talk briefly. Walk up 18th Street to Corbett to Portola to #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian. I show him my ZontaPhotos website. He tells me about the Glen Park BART station. Insight: My obsession about San Mateo County being taken away from San Francisco in 1856 may relate to my own psyche in that I, too, am split off from my lower half. That it was, in effect, taken away from me.

April 23 dream:  Big group of us wait for over an hour for celebs to arrive. Then someone announces that they are at a different resto. I get up to leave. Bob M. asks why. I say, “Cause I want to see them.” He stays.

April 22, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Go to G.P. library. Walk out. Go back. Take shits. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear:  “You’re ready to be a Dad.” Run into Sean working on one of his motorcycles. (*Relates to “Expect the Unexpected” from hier?) We talk about remote viewing. I ask him if he’s done any. He says, “Not intentionally.” He tells me about MKUltra. He says, “Sirhan Sirhan may have been an MKUltra.” He tells me about Operation Paperclip and Project Mockingbird. Take #48 to W.P. Pass woman in bright yellow skirt. Then pass another (or the same) women in a bright yellow skirt. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. He seems very hyper but friendly. Work on book in p.m.

April 22 dream:  On plane trip we’re flying low over coast. Large waves hit the shore. Some people meet them with fun. One of the waves hits the plane. There’s a small fire onboard. There’s a handsome man I want to talk to. Later he turns out not so handsome. I thought we were flying to some place else. Turns out we’re flying to N.Y. Man in the middle of a lake waving to us as we fly by. Then we are on the freeway in some sort of large hovercraft with lots of cars around.

April 21, 2023:  Someone mentions Ft. Collins online. In ’til 3:30ish. Stand next to cute guy on K. Train stops. We all have to get off and wait for next train. I stand near him again on next train and remain on train one extra stop. Nothing happens. Then go to Eezy-Freezy to buy Chron. See Sacred Heart guy from April 4 there. We have nice connection. Go to Peet’s .Sophia and two baristas there. Find movie review of Beau Is Afraid for Jasmine. Go to W.P. library. See young library science student from April 1. He doesn’t see me. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. See Namantha. He doesn’t see me. Walk up Corbett. See “Grady” in the sideway. (Grady was the handsome “playboy” in my father’s office.) Think about what I heard Gabor Mate said on YT at Peet’s today, that a boy being sexually abused may not feel safe to express his anger. Later on K being upset with Chron for not publishing my letter to the editor. Mad that they have all the power and there’s nothing I can do about it. Then ask myself, “Are you sure that’s what you’re really mad about?” Realize I was in the same situation with my father who had all the power and there was nothing I could do about it. Let myself feel that anger. Work on bonk in p.m. Hear “Expect the Unexpected” in p.m. (*Relates to running into Sean again on April 22?)

April 21 dream:  Hate my boss Ana. Trying to get a girl to go out with me.

April 21 dream:  John is traveling west on northern Oregon border. I plan to meet him there at Sunday Meeting. I arrive. He’s there, looking beautiful, working as an usher. I greet him. Then I greet Bob Meslinsky and someone else and sit down for meeting. Planning to get together with John after.

April 21 dream:  Bunch of us who live in a bus move bus closer to where we work in N.Y.

April 20, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. Library. Sun glad to see me. Walk thru G.C.P. #44 to F.H. Sit next to guy with torn jeans with his legs spread. K home. Worked on book in p.m.

April 20 dream:  Young woman dies with her head in my lap while sitting in the aisle of an airplane.

April 20 dream:  I write the newsletter for the group. Some mostly black guys go to the back patio to tell a joke. I open the door so I can hear it, too. One of them says, “Did you get it?” I say, “No. I didn’t hear it.”

April 20 dream:  Business reports are missing. I say, “Business reports are important for the health of the nation.”

April 20 dream:  As a reporter, I update Dr. Kaminsky on the war in Ukraine.

April 20 dream:  Gary Swindell wants us to go to Mexico with him. He tries to dine and dash but is caught.

April 20 dream:  Something about a paper turned in with some typos.

April 20 dream:  Look out my window. See Cathy Koslover talking with Calvin. She sees me. She looks more mature than i’ve ever seen her. Go outside. Get caught in large spider web with large spider. See Ashley Card. She says, “What do you want to do about it?” I say, “Science.” Notice attractive girl. Ashley says, “We look to science.”

April 19, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Jasmine, baristo, Nedim and Bruce at Peet’s. Talked with Jasmine who is also a film student at SF State. She likes horror films. She mentioned Beau is Afraid. Bruce tells me about Lily Pond in G.G. Park. Take train to Castro. Sit down next to cute guy. I feel him looking at me. I kind of blush emotionally, but not physically. Pass TV Channel 2 reporter in front of Castro Theatre. Walk up Corbett, Portola to #52. Distant hawks. #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Harrold. Then go back and check out again with Jeff. We accidentally lock fingers. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Fascists and oligarchs are taking over the country. Conclusion: Truth is the only Potentate in the infinitely public (country-less, contra-less) enterprise of Itself. Later RHS mother.

April 19 dream:  On top floor of N.Y. building. Close enough to climb down. Later Carol Carter says, “What are you on?” I say, “I don’t know. Maybe oxycontin.” She says, “That stuff can kill you.” Then Perry Dickey comes in . I tell him, “You know, as a Christian Scientist, it’s very exciting taking medication. It’s a whole new world.”

April 18, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk and take J to G.P. Run into my Hemingway friend at G.P. stop. Beautiful man at Bosworth and Diamond intersection. Go to C.B. Friendly lady from Peet’s W.P is there. We talk briefly. Go to library. Walk thru G.C.P. Everything green. Run into Sean as he exits his van on Amethyst Way. (*See diary of April 16. Also relates to “Holy Unexpected” from hier?) We talk briefly. Go to M.S. Check out with Ian. #43 home. Work on book in p.m.

April 18 dream:  Giving Translation workshop. Get stuck on 1st step.

April 18 dream:  Coming in for a landing on big plane. Lots of empty seats. Look out window at new housing which has been built in the bay.

April 18 dream:  Guy in gay store wants me to ask him out. Then they close down the store for the day.

April 18 dream:  Was at airport chasing planes. Waiting for guy who said he wanted to go with me to next stop.

April 17, 2023:  In ’til 2:30ish. K to Castro. Go to W.G. to buy Chron. Young woman cashier there smiles at me. Then another woman smiles at me as I wait for #24. Go to Noe Valley. Sit next to cute guy who also gets off on 24th Street. Acupuncture appointment at 4 p.m. In my 25-30 minute session, the word “consummate” comes to me. (*See diary of April 12.) It means a “perfect ending.” I think that the two smiling women prior to my appointment indicated to me that this was the insight I was headed for in this session. That recent events (*see diary of April 10) were the consummation of the contract I made with John in January of 1987 at the Unitarian Church. After session, I walk to Castro. Maybe find new barber on 24th Street. See “Holy Unexpected.” Was going to walk on the sunny side of the street, but followed cute Japanese guy to the shady side. Passed 440 Club. On my right people are yelling “Happy Birthday” to somebody in the parklet there. And as I pass 440 Club on my left, there is loud cheering from inside. I look in and smile. Go to Peet’s on Market Street. Baristo there wants to study psychology at University of San Diego. Exchange glances with young guy as I enter Castro Metro Station. Take K home.

April 17 dream:  I offer to go over a Shakespeare play. (h.o.)

April 17 dream:  Sit at table with wonderful teachers. I run to catch my bus. It’s underground now.

April 17 dream:  Guy about to rape another guy with his fists. Then they got out in public. And they go different ways. Another guy in the office says that he was raped and that it was “boring.”

April 17 dream:  Waiting for bus. See two girls I just met. Decide to say hello. We are invited to do our laundry together. But all the machines appear to be taken or are full of muddy water. I’m thinking I’ll just take the bus home.

April 16, 2023:  In ’til 3:15ish. Take K shuttle to W.P. Nedim, Valentine and Bruce at Peet’s. I tell Valentine, “Happy Valentine’s Day. I guess every day is Valentine’s Day for you.” #48 to 24th and Castro. Stop at Portola and Glenview Drive. Realize Sean is just down the street. Think of running to him. Then think better of it. Think again at Portola and Clipper Street stop. (*Relates to “Expect the Unexpected” from last night, I think.) Walk down 24th to Church. Up Church to Chenery to G.P. and continue to walk home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian. Try to show him my photo website, but can’t get it on my phone. Later go down to W.F. again and check out with Jian again. Work on book.

April 16 dream:  It’s Monday and I’m supposed to coordinate the Monday talks at The Prosperos Center. Trying to call Gene Goulard who is the manager there. Info operator looks up educational institutions. Trying to remember who my co-coordinator is. Cory something? Or Barbara something?

April 15, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Waiting for K on island in middle of Ocean Avenue. Trains not running today but shuttle buses are. One shuttle bus just passes me by even though I wave at them. Then bouncy smiling woman who I didn’t know from Adam approaches me smiling like we’re old friends. I turn around and she’s gone. Next shuttle bus picks me up. Go to Peet’s in W.P. Evan, Sergio and Ian there. Really good to see Evan and Sergio again. Especially Sergio. I say to Sergio, “Good to see you again.” He says, “Evan’s here, too.” I say, “Yes, it’s good to see both of you.” Talk with Sergio and Ian on my way out. We talk nonsense but it feels really good to be friends again with Sergio. (*I think the irrepressibly happy woman on Ocean Avenue relates to me seeing Sergio again. Also, the Army Induction Center dream of April 13 relates to my getting into some sort of relationship with Sergio, I think. I made this realization at about 8:30 p.m. just like the dream indicated. Still not sure what my ayahuasca experience of April 7 relates to. Perhaps the end of my connection with John on April 10 and the beginning of my connection to Sergio on April 15?) Take shuttle to Castro. Walk up 18th Street to Market to Corbett to Portola to L shuttle to F.H. Sit next to cute guy on L bus. Transfer at F.H. to K shuttle but it took me back to Castro. So take #35 to G.P. Then #23 to Safeway. Check out with cute new worker there who said he had been there for about a year but mostly in the back. I say, “Well, it’s good to see you up front.” #43 home. Hear “Expect the Unexpected” a few times in p.m.

April 15 dream:  Group of middle class blacks try to keep homeless and jobless blacks away from job site which is an office building. As I get closer to work, lots of men walking. Also big water buffalo.

April 15 dream:  Have to deal with two guys I’ve put out of a job.

April 14, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Cute, short, bearded young guy in hoodie on Ocean. K to W.P. Nedim, two baristas at Peet’s. No Sergio. Nedim may be mad at me ’cause of my comment hier about his muscles. Train to Castor. Then back via Market, Corbett, Portola to M.S. “Sir Allen” at empty checkout stand next to me. As I pass, he is turned the other way. Woman cashier at my checkout stand picks up small bag of cookies I bought. She says, “Do you want the cookies now?” I say, “No.” Go to W.F. Check out with Cole, who also doesn’t seem to want to talk. Work on book in p.m.

April 14 dream:  Me and two other dishwashers. Black woman is lead dishwasher. She is told not to throw out the instructions when they are washed. (h.o.)

April 14 dream:  Sending exercise DVD to John Firpe. Having some trouble packing it. Jonathan Flynn there?

April 14 dream:  Getting bored with S.F. Looking for new place in S.F. Tom O. stops by. I have on my pink sleeveless T-shirt for a while.

April 13, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Go to hair appointment at Louie’s Barbershop with Bon, who has the chair closest to the window on Castro Street. Woman on K smiles at me on the way there. Guy in the barbershop smiles at me as well. (*Relates to dropped wallet from April 10?) Pass 440 Club. Go to Spike’s on 19th Street. Have to rush out before they close at 5 p.m. Walk up 18th Street to Market to Corbett to Portola to M.S. Check out with Ian. #36 to F.H. K home. Cute guy on train.

April 13 dream:  Paco Rabanne included on list of those not included. (h.o.)

April 13 dream:  Have to be at Army Induction Center at 8:30 p.m. Two others from my apartment will be there as well. They are both in our empty apartment getting ready. (*Relates to working on my book again at about 8:30 p.m. on April 14, 2023?)

April 13 dream:  Conversation between male professor and female advisor turn pretty sexual. She is facing down wearing a pantsuit.

April 13 dream:  Guy I’m trying to avoid comes up to me and says we need an art poster for upcoming event.

April 12, 2023:  In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. There’s an accident on Ocean Avenue. So train is delayed. They later send a shuttle bus to W.P. Nedim, Jasmine, barista at Peet’s. I admire Nedim’s muscles. Train to Castro. Go to Louie’s Barbershop. Get business card for Bon, my new barber. Pass 440 Club. Up 18th Street to Market to Corbett to Portola to #48 to W.P. Get slice from Goat Hill Pizza. Talk with same guy as on April 5. He’s a student at SOTA who’s been accepted at Stanford and UCLA. Plays the sax. Wave at Ladi as I pass C.S. Reading Room. K home. Baby crying in the front of train leads me to cute young guy in back of train. Go to W.F. Jian not there. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Consumption or non-consumption can make a body fat or thin, healthy or sick, inflamed or comfortable. Conclusion: Truth is the face and feeling of weightless, indivisible, invulnerable, omnipotent, robust male/femaleness. Side-tracked to word consummation which means: “perfect ending the bringing of something to a satisfying conclusion, or the final satisfying completion or achievement of something.”

April 12 dream:  Man holding up printed page on big cardboard wanting me to transcribe what I can read. At about 12:30 a.m.

April 12 dream:  Woman driver from company makes illegal left turn into company doorway. And is caught.

April 12 dream:  Have sex with some guy. Later talk with HughJohn about it. He says we’re, like, partners, and I agree.

April 11, 2023: In ’til 1:30ish. Take #43 to my optometrist on Irving Street in the Inner Sunset. Dr. Mark told me that I could enlarge the fonts on my laptop which I later figured out how to do. Take #44 to G.P. Cute young Asian guy smiles at me and then plays with his young Asian friend. Go to G.P. Go to C.B. The barista I like (and who likes me) is there. Go to G.P. library. Then decide to walk up O’Shaughnessy but feel drawn the other way. #35 bus arrives so I get on. It takes me to the Castro. I pass 440 Club. Then Louie’s barbershop which is still open. I go in thinking maybe I can get my haircut done one day earlier than planned. But there’s three people waiting and only one barber. So I leave. (Later I realize I really like the one barber who smiled at me so nicely, so I decide to get my hair cut by him tomorrow.) As I leave, one of the three people waiting yells out to me. I had dropped my wallet on the floor and hadn’t even realized it. Walk up Market, Corbett, Portola to M.S. #43 to F.H. K home.

April 11 dream:  I have to leave my family due to a difference of opinion. I see my little brother as I walk out without my family knowing.

April 11 dream:  “Together we are unstoppable.”

April 11 dream:  Shit and throw up on my shoes and pants and shirt I just put on. Am with others at the time.

April 11 dream:  Divide up into three groups. Our group discusses “being a brother to your black brother.” Somebody wants to be in the other group. I like our group.

April 11 dream:  Going on trip away from family. Nancy O. trying to maintain control.

April 10, 2023:  Shaving in a.m. My bathroom sink finally unclogs. Mail in federal and states taxes. In ’til 1:30ish. K and #24 to acupuncture appointment in Noe Valley. Wonderful session. We try cupping as well. Walk up Castro to Peet’s on Market. Their bathroom is out of order for 2nd day in a row. So is public restroom on Market. So I buy cranberry juice at 440 Club and use the restroom there. Guy give me hard look as I leave. I think he’s coming on to me so I head back in. He averts my gaze. Later I realize he was standing guard for John in hiding. (*Relates, I think, to my throwing up on Friday night. I think I’m seeing John unmasked, just as I’m seeing Sergio unmarked these days, to reveal that he’s not as attractive as I thought.) Walk up Market, Corbett, Portola to #36 to F.H. Train arrives just as I do. Woman smiles at me as I enter. Sit across form very cute young guy in peach hoodie and matching sweat pants with a black mask and skateboard. We connect, though furtively. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian. He asks me if I’ve taken any interesting photos. I ask him the same. He says, “You already know the answer to that. I’ve told you a couple of times.” I say, “Oh, you take photos with your phone. Fuck me.”

April 10 dream:  Taking care of several young men. Supplying them books, etc.

April 9, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Take K to W.P. Hoping to see Sergio at Peet’s. He’s not there. Not many people were there. Lou Lou, Ian, Nedim and Bruce. Bruce shows me Trump’s latest “Truth” which simply said “World War III.” I left early ’cause I couldn’t find Sunday Chron in W.P. Take train to Castro. Buy Chron at W.G. Talk with Brett, street artist on upper Market. Go to Peet’s. Lots of people out. Really nice day. Walk up Market to Corbett to Portola to CVS. Buy Drano for my bathroom sink. #43 home. Put Drano in the sink. It doesn’t work.

April 9 dream:  Several different cups of teat including one with a fish in it and one with a stone in it. (h.o.)

April 9 dream:  Staying at movie star son’s home. Earlier he was pretend swimming as a swordfish. Laurie O. there as well.

April 9 dream:  Visiting old woman in nice home in very nice neighborhood of S.F. She’s cooking steaks. Our guide tells us we’ve found an excuse for anyone who wants to go back to N.Y.

April 8, 2023:  Wake up around noon after a hellish night. Get Facebook friend request from Jain F., an old high school girlfriend of sorts. Also see photo of “Adam” from The Sin of Adam and Eve movie which I saw on Market Street before I really came out to myself in ’69. Remember feeling terribly excited by the naked Adam and terribly ashamed as well. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean to San Jose Avenue. Take J to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. Check out with 19-year-old named Leo who’s a Scorpio born in the Year of the Sheep, he tells me. #48 to W.P. K home. Translate annoying woman sitting across from me. She gets off at next stop. So does beautiful young Asian man I hadn’t noticed before.

April 8 dream:  Looking out of window for naked aliens. We saw a dog. (h.o.)

April 8 dream:  Get offer to go to school and get $501 per month or start now at $701. Meet two gay classmates who seem to like me. And vice versa. They say. “What are you?” I say, “I would say bisexual ’cause I don’t want to cut anything out.” Earlier they talk of fellow worker named Denim.

April 8 dream:  Cleaning up, sweeping up, moving out.

April 7, 2023:  In ’til 4ish. K to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s. But he looks different. I don’t recognize him. He’s got the same hair and the same voice and an “ergio” name tag. Finally I realize he’s not wearing his mask. Today’s the first time I’ve ever seen him without a mask since I first met on October 14, 2021. Not sure if I like this new Sergio as much as I did the old one (the one I imagined). (*Relates to “Hard Reset” from April 4? Also to last dream of April 6?) Brandon, Sophia there, too. Train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett, Portola to #48 to W.P. Slice at Goat Hill Pizza. Cute guy there ignores me. Wave to Ladi as I run to catch K home. Start having shits about 3 a.m. in the morning. Later get up and throw up. Still having periodic shits. I sleep in late the next day and everything seems more or less fine again. (Later realize this was a sort of an ayahuasca purging without the ayahuasca.)

April 6, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Sit across from attractive young man who at one point changes seats and goes to the back of the train. I think he’s trying to avoid me. Later he comes back. We get off at the same spot. I admire him. As he walks home, he looks back several times. I think he’s a high school student and that I ran into him a few months ago ’cause he took the same route home and he looked back in the same way. Surprisingly, Sergio is at Peet’s. (*Relates to “Expect the Unexpected” I saw hier on back of Big Bang Theory DVD, I think.) Ian there, too. I say to Sergio, “Are you usually here on this day?” He says he’s just filling in for somebody. As I leave, I plan to jokingly ask him if he’d like to go camping with me (like to did with his sister last week). He didn’t really give me a chance. Train to Castro. Walk up Corbett and Portola to #48 to W.P. Stop by C.S. Reading Room to chat briefly with Ladi. Then K home. Beautiful Asian man gets on board. I sit across him and I stay with him ’til the end of the line. Then I wait for his bus to arrive. When it comes, he walks to the middle exit doors and gives me a parting look. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian.

April 6 dream:  Bill Fennie wants us to change procedures. And then we do. And many collectors come around.

April 6 dream:  Beautiful man dies in prison. Woman says he’s going to work 99.9% to find out what happened. (*Relates to seeing Sergio on April 7?)

April 5, 2023:  Rommel from apartment office came to my apartment and helped me get my phone working again. Yay! Was this my “hard reset”? Take nap. In ’til 4ish. Ride to W.P. with Joan from W.G. We talk about Prince Harry and JFK, Jr. Nedim and Ian and Sophia at Peet’s. Sophia gives chocolate croissant to homeless guy. Train to Castro. Meet black woman reading The More I Become a Woman by a Nigerian author. She says it’s good. Walk back via Corbett and Portola and #48 to W.P. Stop by Goat Hill Pizza for slice. Talk with young man there. He says his mother thinks he eats too much pizza. I say, “That’s what mothers say.” K home. Go to W.F. Check out behind beautiful man I fall in love with. I debate whether to put down my empty basket or not. Finally decide it would be okay to do that. I just didn’t want to miss a moment. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Even though I am Mind, it’s the body that runs the show. Conclusion: Truth is the Sole Proprietor and the Sole Property.

April 5 dream:  Sitting in back seat of crowded bus on the way here. Driver fights with guys with fire crackers trying to board.

April 5 dream:  Graduation day at shopping center. Guy comes in asking about someone. Man rams his truck into her station which turns into electric pole. Two utility guys climb up to try to help. Guy says, “I have told the Electric Co. why I went there. Except now.”

April 5 dream:  Guy flying onto roof on motorcycle kisses girl already on motorcycle on roof.

April 4, 2023:  In ’til 2:30ish. Go to optometrist. Get call from my apartment office while I’m on Muni. They say I may have to do a “hard reset” of my Android phone. Which made me think maybe “hard reset” is a metaphor for what I need to do in my life. So felt a lot better. The optometrist was no help. Will see them again next week. Buy Chron at Eezy-Feezy. Cashier is from Sacred Heart Cathedral school. Walk up Ulloa to Portola shopping center. Then down O’Shaughnessy to G.P. Go to C.B. Guy gives me dirty look, so I sit facing away from him. Later as he leaves, he stands in the doorway with his tight pants and his awesome ass. I guess I misread his “dirty look” Barista there also, I think, is interested in me. Go to library. Then walk up Monterey to Safeway. Pass Jun’s salon. Check out with Luis who is very non-communicative. #43 home. Work on Electoral College letters to California House member in p.m.

April 4 dream:  Have to take reference to my ship out of my story and make up a new website about it. For school assignment.

April 4 dream:  I’m sleeping next to fat guy.

April 3, 2023:  In ’til 1ish. Take K to Castro. Guy smiles at me getting off #24. Go to acupuncture appointment in Noe Valley. Then walk back to Castro. Go to Spikes. Sit next to guy who half-smiles at me, then moves to table outside. Walk up Market to Corbett to Portola to M.S. Too late, I see Ian at checkout line. I’m in the line next to him. Take L bus to W.P. Then K home. My computerized Latch app doesn’t work to let me in, so I enter the numbers manually. Spend hours trying to “enable” Bluetooth, which suddenly is being demanded of me by the Latch app. Email Avalon office for help. The office is closed tomorrow for company meeting in Concord.

April 3 dream:  Saying goodbye to friends in my building. Meet woman who says we are living in filth ’cause of all the clothes on the floor.

April 3 dream:  Woman shows us us directory of Bromby.

April 3 dream:  Waiting for woman to leave as she said she would. Meanwhile the guys ask me for drinks.

April 3 dream:  Getting rid of maggots.

April 2, 2023:  Begin mailing out Electoral College letters to U.S. Senators. In ’til 4ish. K to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s. Have nice talk with him on my way out. He tells me he went camping with is sister. I was thrilled to be speaking with him. Even older man behind me in line could see it. Train to Castro. Get slice of pizza. Walk by 440 Club. Up 18th Street to Corbett to Portola to #52 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian. Pick up shopping bag Cole dropped. Finish preparing Electoral College letters to 51 U.S. Senators.

April 2 dream:  Watching action movie with my father. Hero strips his two fat opponents of their clothes and then strips himself. He says, “I guess we all knew it was headed for this.” Then, as we were about to see hero’s naked ass, the commercials came on. Then two women start “swelling”, that is, sucking each other’s lips. One woman says, “Finally.”

April 1, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Trans parade on Ocean while waiting for K to optometrist. Glasses still not very helpful. Go to Peet’s. Nedim there. Nice librarian guy at W.P. library. Getting his degree in library science. Train to Castro. Beautiful day. Walk past 440 Club. Go to W.G. Up 18th Street to Corbett. Platinum blond middle-aged guy smiles at me. Later I fantasize about him taking my pants down and spanking me. I continue to Portola to #44 to F.H. K home. W.F. Sense testimony: Inflammation is caused by repressed aggression. Insight: My yin deficiency is not allowing myself to do things. 2nd insight: Eating sweets relates to my wish to return to the “safety” of my childhood.

April 1 dream:  Try to pour water into plastic bucket. Now it’s a plastic bag. Ask two guys to hold it for me so I can pour the water in. They both ignore me. Then everyone starts to ignore me. Decide to go downstairs to get a Chronicle. I’m wearing a carpet that feels like a robe. Get some food on it. Start to clean it off. The room is a luxury apartment still under construction. Beautiful views. I think I’d still rather have a house on the ground. I thought of just walking off the job but that might jeopardize my back pay.

March 31, 2023:  In ’til noonish. #29 and #38 to VA. Get my toenails done by very nice nurse. I told her it was like getting my feet washed like they did in the Bible. Then dermatology appointment with young black doctor. He told me he was from Ghana and Toronto. I told him I just watched a documentary about Toronto last night. Then we started talking about Anthony Bourdain. Nice-looking shirtless guy on Balboa. Go to La Promenade Café. Then walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Visit my Asian bakery friend. He’s glad to see me today. I remind him that tomorrow is April Fools’ Day. Two French guys walking up Balboa. Walk to 9th Avenue. Run into Bruce outside café. Later we are joined by Danny F. and another friend. Danny is 33 and quite attractive. He seems to have a mentee/mentor relationship with Bruce. I wonder why. #44 to F.H. K home. W.F.

March 31 dream:  Start legal secretary job. Start new file on Los Altos company which is concerned about the future. (h.o.)

March 31 dream:  I’m dying slowly. Probably a few more days.

March 31 dream:  Some dangerous acting people. I stand in line at food place. Raviolis look good.

March 30, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Get 100 more edited copies of my Electoral College letters. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Coyotes howling in tune with passing sirens. Run into Sean on Amethyst Way. Last saw him in December 2021. We had a nice talk about remote viewing, etc. Very touched by him. See hawk on Portola. Take #43 to F.H. Beautiful guy enters #43 as I exit. Then descend stairs at F.H. Little black boy peeing in corner. Later he and I are the only people in the station. Though there are many places to sit, he sits next to me. He says something. I say, “Did you say something?’ He says, “No. I ‘m just singing.” When the K arrives about 10 minutes later, I decide I must stay within sight of him. Stand next to beautiful Middle Eastern-looking young man. My “Love is Love” tote bag bangs against his leg without my knowing. He gets off at W.P. Black boy is still on board. I notice beautiful short-haired young white guy. He keeps looking around and our eyes connect and I do not flinch. He gets off at St. Francis Place. I feel like I’ve just had sex. (*Relates to wallet dropping at W.F. hier? Feels like little black boy was my guide to this short-haired god.) I get off at Lee. My little black friend is still on board. Later, see text from “Team Slotkin” (*See 2nd dream of March 27.)

March 30 dream:  Asian homeless guy in park with attractive body. I’m walking away but I look back. Realize I have six months to do something. Relates to the war in Ukraine?

March 29, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Pick up Electoral College letters at copy place. Take K to W.P. Give Bruce a copy of my Electoral College letter. He edits it without prompting on my part. Take train to Castro. Buy envelopes at W.G. Then stamps at 18th Street P.O. Walk up Corbett to Portola to #48. Get slice of Goat Hill pizza. Take K home. See beautiful black-haired guy on Ocean. Later see him at W.F. He’s not happy being admired. Check out with Harrold. Drop my wallet on the way out. Guy picks it up for me. I say, “That’s important.”

March 29 dream:  Pushy friend driving me through “slums.” He says, “These are your slums.” They didn’t look too bad to me. Just like a lot of Army housing with a front yard. Lots of shirtless guys doing push-ups

March 28, 2023:  In ’til 2:45ish. Take Electoral College letter to copy place. Order 100 copies. K to W.P. Kai and two baristas there. Kai tells me Terminator II is the best of the franchise and that after that, they aren’t worth much. Later he hangs out with his girlfriend who’s really beautiful but looks very high maintenance. Train to Castro. Walk up Market. Woman at Clayton smiles at me. Continue to Corbett to Portola. See guy waiting for #37 at Burnett. I wait with him. Then take #48 to W.P. Get pizza slice at Goat Hill Pizza. Handsome, red-haired counterperson who studies film at SF State. K home. Go to W.F. Cole there looking cute but touchy. Check out with Jian, in line behind well-built guy.

March 28 dream:  Go to doctor. He says for me to cut out cheese and smoking. I have three spots on my right arm which appear to be fading. It feels like I’m dying. I knew I would die before my father, who is still alive. Also, doctor wants me to bulk up to about 250 lbs. I wonder if that’s really healthy.

March 27, 2023:  in ’til 2ish. K to Castro. #24 to 24th Street. Go to acupuncture appointment. In my session last week I ended up at the doorstep of my 1992 Corvallis apartment. Today I ended up there as well, but I realized that the black guys who came to my doorstep a few days before John did were not an accident or a mere coincidence. They were a message from the Universe telling me, “This is what you are afraid of. This is what you will not open your door to. This is what John represents to you. Your primal self.” Or, as my acupuncturist tells me, my gall bladder meridian is blocked and I need to learn to just let go. After, I am still kind of in shock. See wedding dress store. Walk up Sanchez thru beautiful homes on way to Peet’s on upper Market. See “End” on Sanchez Street. (*Relates to dream of March 22?) Take K home.

March 27 dream:  Hard-on dream.

March 27 dream:  Move into new place. Use some of Ken Slotkin’s furniture. See crate labelled “Slot.”

March 26, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Evan, barista and Nedim at Peet’s. At one point, Nedim touches my arm. I back away. Train to Castro. Walk down sunny side. Up 18th Street to Market to Corbett. Two moving vans stuck in the middle of the intersection. On to Portola shopping center. Buy fish & chips. #43 to F.H. K home.

March 26 dream:  Afton Pit rehearsing us.

March 26 dream:  Bills coming due. Afton(?) me and Nancy O. Spots emerging and fading away.

March 25, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Evan, Nedim and barista at Peet’s. No Sergio. No seats inside so I sit outside in the cold. Nice talk with Evan. Train to Castro. Walk down sunny side of Castro (the east side). Pass very attractive black man basking in the sun at sidewalk cafe. I look back a few times. Go to S.B. Ask them about their recent strike. Baristo says it was only a one-day strike. They are newly unionized. Walk up 18th Street. See very attractive guy apparently waiting for #33 bus. Later he becomes less attractive so I walk up west side of Castro. Pass Namantha eating and talking on the phone at an outdoor table. He still doesn’t recognize me. Pass 440 Club. Then see my barber Steven smiling as he walks out of Louie’s Barbershop. Walk up Market to Corbett to Portola to M.S. Order meatball sandwich. See “Haircut Ed” briefly. #43 home. Insight: Watching Shameless, get upset when women cop enters changing room with only men. Try to relate that to my life.

March 25 dream:  Reapply for ROTC program. Officer talks to us about “being.” In tall building in eastern S.F. Beautiful area of S.F. I rarely see.

March 24, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. John Atwater from Colorado calls. Then G.P. library. Female librarian who smiled at me on March 21 gives me addresses of two local Thai places. Take #35 from Chenery. Beautiful black bus driver is pissed that he has to stop around the corner from the actual bus stop to pick me up. So when he turns left off Chenery, I’m glad to  get off and continue walking up Chenery to Church Street Thai place. I look in and walk on up to Church Street. Then left on 24th Street. Glad to see that the vacant Real Foods store has finally been replaced. Up Castro to Marcello’s pizza. Have a slice of cheese pizza which is really god, but the cashier is kind of not. Walk up Market to Corbett to Portola to #44 to F.H. K home. Go to W.F. Get reuben sandwich. Lady says, “Do you want it toasted.” As opposed to untoasted? Check out with Harrold with two “r”s. Work on taxes. I owe $154!

March 24 dream:  Larry Sicarella wants me to read his very long speech on “night tennis.”

March 23, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Go to Plant Lady on Ocean Avenue. Then K to W.P. Nedim, Ian and Brandon at Peet’s. I asked Ian if Sergio had returned hier. He said, “No.” Guy walks in on me in the restroom. I angrily lock the door. Took me by surprise how angry I was. Turns out he was father of young man I was checking out. Train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett and Portola to M.S. See “Sir Allen” briefly. Burrito place. #43 to F.H. Take K to W.F. See friendly S.B.W.P. lady at W.F. Say hello. Insight: Calvin doesn’t want me to have friends of my own. Probably relates to my father, also.  Maybe John, too.

March 23 dream: Taking a test on TLCs.

March 22, 2023:  In ’til 12:30ish. Take BART to my bank in Oakland to buy CDs. After, walk by Lake Merritt, then up Telegraph Avenue form Oakland to Berkeley. Lots of empty storefronts on Telegraph in Oakland. Buy Chron from nice store manager at Oakland/Berkeley border. Three of my favorite cafes in Berkeley are closed. First time I had been in Berkeley since June of 2019. Lots of empty stores in Berkeley. Very depressing. Pass by Peet’s on Telegraph. Got interested looks from two different guys at that corner. After seeing that the Café Blue Door was closed, I walk back to Peet’s on Telegraph but they have no seats. So walk back to downtown Berkeley. Finally find a place to pee but I have to buy strawberry smoothie. Take F bus back to S.F. Make nice connection with guy and gal on F bus. Ride into Salesforce Transit Center for first time ever either from East Bay or S.F. Take F to Castro. There’s a two-car head-on collision at 16th and Market Streets. So get off and head to Peet’s on upper Market just 15 minutes before they close. Then buy meatball sandwich at Rossi’s Deli on Castro. Start eating it while sitting in the Castro Muni Station. Then PA announcer says, “No eating in the Muni station.” Guy next to me says, “They’ve got cameras everywhere.” Guy was acquaintance from Peet’s W.P. Later, as we pass Peet’s W.P. I see someone who looks like Sergio from the back at about 7:54 p.m. (*Trip to Berkeley relates to taking U-path at Lake Merced on March 20? Lot of gnats, then Sergio.)

March 22 dream:  HughJohn visits me at my beautiful home in S.F. I say, “What are you doing in S.F.?” Then say, “Oh, yeah, you have family up here.” Nancy O. visits me as well. I introduce her to HJ as my step-sister, thinking she’ll probably get mad about that. Later Afton Pitt joins us. Turns out Nancy already knew Afton from somewhere, which surprised me. Look out the  window at my fabulous view of the bay. Lots of seals stopping by to say hello. Large platypus-like creature and some kids playing with it or bothering it. Someone says, “Don’t do that.”

March 21, 2023:  In ’til 1ish. Take K and #48 to acupuncture appointment with Liam. RHSing my father beforehand. Realize the only reason I allowed my father to abuse me was because I thought I deserved it for my egocentric response to my mother’s murder. Realize, in effect, that it wasn’t my father at all who abused me. It was my own self-punishment which was merely manifested by him. On realization of this, while still sitting in the acupuncture waiting room, I smell the aroma of gardenias. When Liam arrives, I say to him, “Do you smell gardenias?” He doesn’t. (*Relates to hearing “March 21” way back in ’87. At the time I thought it related to John, but maybe the Universe has a different sense of time than most of us and when I heard “March 21” back in ’87 it related to today’s very important realization. Relates also to last dream of March 19 about never having the chance to feel stronger than my father, at least while he was still alive.) Have acupuncture session with Liam. At the end, he asks me how it went. I say, “I kept waiting for my spirit guides to appear.” Then Liam noticed the overhead lights in the hallway flickering. He says, “That’s never happened before.” As I leave lots of rain and wind. Take #35 to G.P library. Library lady smiles at me. Then go to C.B. Lights flickering there as well. Walk up O’Shaughnessy, following cute guy ’til he entered his apartment. Then continued up O’Shaughnessy. Run into another beautiful guy talking on his phone. I say aloud, “How cute can you get?” Go to M.S. See Ian on way in. Later check out with him. He’s a lot nicer today. #43 home. Sit across from guy in Harry Potter glasses. We get off at same spot, having made eye contact just once. Walk thru W.F. See Cole talking with co-worker. Check out with guy whose name I didn’t get.

March 21 dream:  Step-sister Nancy O. keeping record of how much is being spent. Laurie there too. I say, “I never knew Nancy was such a record keeper.” We were dividing $172,000 disposable income check between 10 people.

March 21 dream:  Almost have sex with older gay guy who I didn’t really want to have sex with.

March 20, 2023:  in ’til 2:30ish. K to W.P. Ian, Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Go to optometrist across the street. Really friendly office manager there. Also meet Dr. Mark. Like this place a lot better than the last place. The main thing, of course, is whether I can see better with the new glasses. Take L bus to Sloat Boulevard nursery, looking for new tree to hang my Xmas lights on. Stand next to really hot Asian guy on L bus. Woman asks me if I want to sit down. I say, “NO!” Cute stupid-acting cashier guy at nursery. Walk home. Go to U-shaped trail off Lake Merced, thinking I may get some sort of sign. Nothing but gnats. Then after I exit U-shaped path, smile at cute, long-haired guy who’s entering this special, to me, spot. Walk to Stonestown. Cute guy in hoodie waiting for bus. I tried to show off for him by jumping up on ledge. Walk thru Stonestown to Ocean Avenue. As I pass Chinese resto, guy inside says, “Good food.” So I go in and order chicken curry on rice, to go. Cute, sweet waiter. Take K home. Good chicken curry on rice.

March 20 dream:  Guy returns to home, family, neighborhood he was kicked out of.

March 20 dream:  Defending myself against UPC fighters. One was Jesus, who looked mean and ugly. I told him, “You don’t  like Jesus.” The others would try to slip electronic shields labelled “UPC” under my feet, but I had an anti-viral type defense against them.

March 19, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Go to W.G. on Ocean. Talk with Joan about Christian Science. Go to W.P. Kai and barista at Peet’s. Also Bruce. Almost rainy day. Decide to take M home. Cute blond guy with his dumpy girlfriend board and sit across from me. Guy reaches his hand out to girl. He tries to ignore me but when I scratch my nose, he scratches his . Get off at Balboa Station. Walk up Ocean. Pass homeless lady asking for popcorn. Go to Korean place for chicken curry over rice. It is crowded. There is a space across from Korean guy I think is cute. I ask if he minds if I sit there. He nods. Later waitress comes by and asks if we are together. I say, “No.” There is some confusion. Then he moves to side table. We both finish about the same time. I wait for him to exit resto. Go to W.F. Buy popcorn for homeless lady. Check out with Jian. He says, “Where have you been?” Cole, looking very cuddly, standing back-to-back behind Jian. Give popcorn to homeless lady. She says, “You came back.”

March 19 dream:  At big “rally” in almost full theater of volunteers for AA-type group. I’m talking with other guy about how great this group is., (h.o.)

March 19 dream:  “Phoenix at Work” – Artist makes art out of burnt-out lot.

March 19 dream:  Telling somebody, “I never had a chance to be stronger than my father.”

March 18, 2023:  In ’til 3:15ish. K to W.P. Sergio there. Also Ian and barista I like. Serg tells me this is his last shift before he goes home for spring break. As I leave, I say, “Have fun on your trip.” He says something I don’t hear. Then I say, “See you when you get back.” (*Relates to 2nd dream of March 17, I think.) Take train to Castro. Walk up Corbett and Portola. Pass young black guy sitting on the sidewalk in front of his house, working on something and ignoring me. After I pass him, I turn around and he smiles excitedly. Walk to Woodside. Take #52 to F.H. Take K home. As soon as I board, notice beautiful young man and sit across from him. He smiles at me. Then ignores me for the rest of his trip.

March 18 dream:  Moved into new apt. Furniture hasn’t arrived yet. Already got money from my brother Tom. Step-sister Laurie is not happy that her bed is bigger than the others. Struggle to wake up.

March 18 dream:  See Namantha in the Castro. I’m wearing a button that says, in effect, “Don’t eat at his place.” He says he’s got some CDs (or DVDs) and I’m hoping we can go to his place and listen (or watch) them.

March 17, 2023:  Get new refrigerator in a.m. Makes me feel like I’m on vacation somewhere. In ’til 4:15ish. K to W.P. Nedim and barista. Nedim offers me a gold coin which I refuse. Train to Castro. Walk up Corbett and Portola to #48. Sit across from young man. We never connect with our eyes, but he grabs his butt as he exits. K to W.F. Three girls smile at me as I upload cash onto my Clipper Card. Check out with Cole. Compliment him on his new haircut as cute, friendly young guy behind me listens in.

March 17 dream:  Models of all the building an architect did in S.F. in my very nice apartment. Later go to my bathroom and there is someone working there. On the ledge, it says “And God anointed all my enemies and prepared a new room for me.”

March 17 dream:  I’m in Chicago at a birthday part. Somebody is collecting birthday cards. He puts aside my card and a card from Miami, saying he’ll get back to those later.

March 16, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Cute new Asian librarian there. Buy new Xmas tree lights at G.P. hardware store. Walk thru G.C.P. Then burrito place. Then #43 home. As I board bus, connect with handsome high school kid exiting. Then sit near another one and next to a third. Fall in p.m., putting new lights on my Xmas tree. Refrigerator breaks down in p.m. or at least that’s when I first notice it’s broken.

March 16 dream:  I live in beautiful two floor apartment. Not quite moved in. Four friends from my past stop over to see me. One told me he’d be stopping by but they caught me with my pants off.

March 16 dream:  Guy puts my hand right next to head of tiger. He says, “He knows you’re a friend of mine so he won’t bite.” Later wonder where in the world I’ll end up. There’s a map of the world that I’m looking at. I have about one to and one and a half years of school left.

March 16 dream:  Black women’s prison softball team is brought out. Lots of quarters on the floor.

March 15, 2023:  In ’til 11:30. #29 and #38 to VA. Xray my ribs for accident on February 28. Weigh in at about 230 lbs. Walk to La Promenade Café. Barista there attracted to me. Walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. See my Asian bakery friend. I say, “Are the Portuguese custard tarts in here always?” He says, “They’re here every time you come in.” #43 to M.S. See Ian but he doesn’t appear in a mood to talk. #43 home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: My yin is insufficient. Conclusion: Truth is the harmonious interplay of apparently opposite forces revealing their unitarian lifeblood.

March 15 dream:  Trump shares his anger with me. I am his secretary.

March 15 dream:  Contest to build something with a road to it. (h.o.)

March 15 dream:  Authorities tell me that my father wants me to get money from ATM when I cross the bridge.

March 14, 2023:  Get up early. Try to call in to the Majority Report with my comment about the expression “This sucks!” And how it really has a homophobic basis. Don’t get on. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Nice-looking guy working there with too white teeth tries to charm me. I’m not charmed. It’s kind of rainy so can’t decide if I should walk thru G.C.P. or just go home. Finally decide to just go home. Take #23 to Gennessee. Walk home. In p.m. Xmas tree lights go out as I watch Terminator movie that Tom was in.

March 14 dream:  Guy lists accomplishments in a box. I add “I talk” on top.

March 13, 2023:  In ’til 2ish. K to W.P. #48 to my acupuncture appointment. Meet Liam. Had really nice talk about Chinese medicine, healing, spirituality, etc., and then a 20-25 minute acupuncture session. At end of session, realized my pelvic pain relates to my disturbing relationship with John. Not that I didn’t know this before. But it reminded me. After, I felt very wobbly, like I needed to sit down. Walk to Castro. Go to Peet’s on Market. Then K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian. Tell him about my acupuncture session. He seemed very interested. Insight: John or Sergio and others are in my life to show me who I am/was as a child.

March 13 dream:  Try to put the halves of a table together again. (h.o.)

March 13 dream:  3 or 4 raggedy poor women get enough food and money that they can barely crawl out of their hole in the ground and keep themselves warm.

March 12, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Fire engines as I wait for K. Sergio, Ian and barista at Peet’s. Full house. Sergio says “Hi” to me as if nothing happened hier. When I leave, Sergio is in the back. Take train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Then pass Namantha outside Cafe Mystique. I turn around but he doesn’t recognize me. Walk up Castro to 24th Street. Check out my acupuncture place for tomorrow. Walk up Clipper to #48 to W.P. Stop by S.B. Nice barista there who I had met before. K home.

March 12 dream:  At banquet, friend offers me seconds. Also more of the liqueur drink we’re all drinking.

March 12 dream:  Young gay guy with no pants on leads me around gay section of town looking for friendly bar he knows. At first I don’t like him. Then I do.

March 12 dream:  John H. (or Tom O.) points out that my plan to marry butch woman I don’t really like is crazy. Tom O. moves out of his old room. U.S. Mail truck spills some mail on the street. I pick some of it up. Harriet is the local postal worker. I see some letters for me.

March 11, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Follow Asian guy in white shorts one stop beyond my usual. Sergio and two baristas at Peet’s. I tell Sergio about my dream of him. (*See first dream of March 9.) He asks what kind of shoes he was wearing. I said, “I didn’t see your feet.” Talk with short young guy who gave up his place in line to a cranky woman with a walker who wanted to go in first. He said, “I can wait.” I said, “Obviously, she couldn’t.” Then as I leave, I say good-bye to Sergio. He gives me a dirty look. It’s cold outside. I get photo taken with guy with bagpipes. I decide to take M home. Young guy in hoodie gets on. As we both get off at the end of the line, he gives me an invitational look. I follow him. He goes down to Balboa BART station. I go down there as well even though I was basically already home. I see him bending over to tie his shoes. He looks up. I return the look and walk on. (*Relates to shits from heir?) Then walk to W.F. See Cole at cashier stand. Decide to go home instead.

March 11 dream:  Billye Talmadge makes us guess who here new husband is. It’s Marcia Herndon’s old husband, the head of the Spelling Dept. at San Jose State.

March 11 dream:  Have $2 million in credit.

March 11 dream:  Go to N.Y.C. Jump into sand castle sort of structure. Realize too late that it’s not very sturdy and it sits on top of a deep hole in the ground. Have on a back pack. Earlier heard Bernie Sander’s voice, but it wasn’t him.

March 10, 2023:  Take K to Church Street. Group of about 4 or 5 high school boys. One in a muscle T-shirt. Another takes off his pants to reveal a pair of shorts. They are teasing fat, dumpy guy who they seem to realty like and vice versa. Muscle T-shirt guy takes dumpy guy’s shoe off. I’m hoping things escalate. They don’t. Dumpy guy’s shoe is returned. Dental appointment at 2 p.m. Then walk thru Castro. See homeless guy sitting on sidewalk. I keep on walking. Then double-back. I say, “Are you taking money?” He says, “Yes.” I give him $5. He had on a beautiful shade of pink fingernail polish. Walk in and out of Fabulosa Books. Black girl cashier smiles at me on my way in and out. Walk up Castro to G.P. Begin feeling “shitty.” Take shits at G.P. library. Then go to C.B. Then walk to Safeway. Feel kind of scared/excited walking by Jun’s barber salon without stopping by. Check out with cute, friendly, funny Asian guy at Safeway. Someone at next counter wins $80 off his bill. People jumping up and down. #43 home.

March 10 dream:  Look over parts of my book that need to be rewritten.

March 10 dream:  Fighting with the attorney general who is trying to deny me justice as a member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors. I threaten to sue him.

March 10 dream:  Step-sister Nancy driving me and Dad in his station wagon to resto. It’s closed. Dad asks her to drive to one of his construction sites. We stop. Nancy wants me to drive, so I get in driver’s seat and put in key.

March 10 dream:  Alarm clock going off in my dream.

March 9, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Sit near same cute Asian guy, I think, who I sat near hier on the way home. He kind of poses for me with his hand down his pants pocket. I exit one stop beyond my usual. As I exit, I touch his hair as he sits slouched in his seat. Kai, Brandon, Nedim, Bruce at Peet’s. Take K to Castro. It’s raining so I take M back. Get caught in the rain on Ocean Avenue. #49 home.

March 9 dream:  Sergio comes up to me at Peet’s.

March 9 dream:  Staying overnite at Swedish girlfriend’s place. Someone asks me where she is. I say, “I think she’s sleeping.” (h.o.)

March 9 dream:  4 or 5 of us getting ready to go to “America” with the intention to do good. Nobody is in much of a rush.

March 9 dream:  Walk down tall office building in S.F. See Barry Bram in meeting. He tells me he’ll see me on Tuesday. I find out that Zelensky died. I see Mayor Brown at diner and am dying to be the first to tell him. So I don’t. Lots of construction going on around S.F. with huge holes in the ground where buildings used to be.

March 8, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Jasmine, Sophia, and Nedim at Peet’s. I say to Jasmine, Looks like an all-woman crew today.” She says, “I wish. Nedim’s in the back.” Train to Castro. Walk up Corbett and Portola. Beautiful skateboarder smiles at me and totally undoes me. (*Relates to first dream of March 7?) Catch #52 to F.H. K home. Sit next to cute young Asian guy for whom I stay onboard one stop beyond my usual. He got off at City College. W.F. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Injured bones take a long time to heal. Conclusion: The wholeness of Consciousness is a given as is the wholeness of Its Body.

March 8 dream:  Dive off very springy diving board.

March 8 dream:  Friend takes new 442 TV but can’t get it to work.

March 8 dream:  Driving thru S.F. Notice something I’d never noticed before. I think, “I don’t want to leave this city.”

March 7, 2023:  Get up early. Online work. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Stop at San Jose Avenue liquor store. Nice guy there. We talk about how everybody seems to be over Covid. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Walk to G.C.P. Feel “shitty.” Go back to library. Take shits. Walk thru G.C.P. Go to M.S. Pass Jasper (my “slow” friend from January 23, 2022) who seems to yell out to me. Check out with “Haircut Ed.” #43 home.

March 7 nap dream:  See John on train like a pied piper to a lot of young boys. Later on train, I talk with two school boys with a lot of library books. I say, “Are these from your school library?” They say, “Yes.”

March 7 dream:  Took photos of big birds flying around. Then camera won’t work and barge with head flies over. Then tall brown statue of ancient teacher-like guy looking at me. Then, when I try to take a photo of him, he looks away.

March 7 dream:  When meeting the swami, two of our group want to just blank out that they want to be swamis. Me and another advise against this.

March 6, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nedim, Ian and barista at Peet’s. Also Bruce. Train to Castro. Walk up Corbettt and Portola to #36 to F.H. K home. W.F. Check out with guy who name I didn’t know. Maybe Harrold with two r’s. See “Perfection” in p.m.

March 6 dream:  Woman in pink follows me into restroom to see what it looks like. I pee brown pee.

March 6 dream:  Racing home on bike trying to beat girl behind me. Turn off at San Luis Obispo. Riding on high freeway overpass. I say to myself, “This is the hardest part.” Beautiful modern city that I’d never noticed before. I’m now a black man with a black friend. We’re thinking of stealing something. Black woman comes up to us and gives us OSU basketball with OSU letters in orange. Says they have a really good program there.

March 5, 2023:  Online work. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Evan, Kai, barista at Peet’s. Evan shows me his tats. He says he and his friend are both vampires. Don’t get a chance to speak with Kai. Take train to Castro. Begin walking up Corbett. Start feeling “shitty.” Go back to Market and Castro. Guy with bouquet of flowers in his arms gives me a come-on look. Take K home. Go to W.F. Get tacos from Javier’s co-worker. They’re awful. Check out with Jian. He tells me he has “passionate” computer science teachers at CCSf. Rush home. Take shits.

March 5 dream:  Someone asks Sarah, “When did you raise your dog?” We say, “Sarah raised her son a few months ago. And Billy is her dog.”

March 5 dream:  Eat at big resto with Hanz and other friends.

March 4, 2023:  In ’til 3:45ish. Old man with big box on Ocean Avenue looking for a post office. K to W.P. Ian, Sergio, Sophia at Peet’s. I compliment Sergio on his hair. I say, “It almost looks unreal. It’s so thick. Or maybe it only looks unreal compared to what I look at in the mirror every day.” Talk briefly with Ian and Sophia as well. Sophia is studying environmental science. Sergio kind of beams when I start talking with her. Train to Castro. Walk up Corbett and Portola to M.S. Check out with Sir Allen. He has on a mask and a hoodie. I say, “It looks like you’re wearing a burka.” #52 to F.H. K home. Feeling better. Insight: Kick in the ribs from February 28 was John’s parting gift to me? Thunder and rain outside immediately after I think this. Also break plastic window curtain panel. 2nd insight: Attractive men may be a threat to my father’s love for me.

March 4 dream:  Our assignment is to pick out 7 pieces of music that really move us and 7 pieces of music that really make us happy. I wonder why I’m taking this course. The class is at somebody’s house. I’m playing with a kind of slow kid in a chair. He doesn’t want me to go. Then he ignores me.

March 4 dream:  Good-looking arrogant wrestler gets stripped of his pants. It excites me.

March 4 dream:  Someone at work makes complaints about me. I demand to know who and what were the complaints.

March 4 dream:  Start our trip from San Jose to S.F. Nannie is on truck with us. Then she’s gone and it’s a bunch of fellow gays, at least one with his shirt off, on a ride to S.F. Someone says, “And then Manhattan.” I think, “That would be fine with me.”

March 3, 2023:  Anonymous call at about 9:30 a.m. Hear “Ft. Collins” on Thom Hartmann Program. See “1111” on my computer screen. In ’til 3ish. Pass Cole inside W.F. on way to G.P. Get call from S.F. Police asking if I know Daniel Banks. They tell me he was found dead in his Bush Street apartment on February 25. They got my name from a Xmas card I sent him. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. to #48. Sit across from two French guys again, just like hier. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole standing in the same place he was at 3ish.

March 3 dream:  Meet man and woman I really like at vacation in someone’s home in North Bay. We only have a few days left, so they want to spend a day together and I want to spend a day with at least one of them.

March 2, 2023:  VA video appointment with Wilson Fong at 9 a.m. Online work. Call Thom Hartmann Program about my electoral college idea and I get on air. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Take K to W.P. Sit across from same beautiful dark-skinned student I sat across from hier. He was all hard looks hier. Today he seemed kind of seductive. Brandon, Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Barista gives me free drink. Bruce there, too. Train to Castro. Pick up B.A.R. They published my letter. Walk up Corbett and Portola. (See two French guys crossing Portola and entering apartment.) #52 to F.H. K home. Translate in my sleep: Conclusion: Truth can only be “righted.”

March 2 nap dream:  Go one floor down. Women’s wear? See Jean Evans and realize she is like my mother to me, as Thane said so many years ago. (*Relates to realizing that Sarah was a mother figure to me, I think.)

March 2 dream:  Everything is being fixed except the old Buick. “Why?” someone asks someone else.

March 2 dream:  God gives everyone the gift of their sexuality back.

March 1, 2023:  Rough nite last nite due to rib pain. Call VA in a.m. Feel better. Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 3:30ish. Jasmine, Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Go to W.G. Then up Corbett and Portola to M.S. Check out with “Haircut Ed.” Say hello to Ian but still he’s very muted. Take #43 to F.H. Sit across from two young skateboarders. Bus driver tells me our bus is being re-routed. I say aloud, “Is it a police action?” Skateboarder says, “I see some meter maids.” I say, “Maybe it’s some meter maid action.” He smiles. Take K home. Feel very comfortable in my seat. Then guy comes in who I know I must follow. So I get up and sit across from him. He asks me about my camera. Then we (mostly he) talks all the way to where we both get off. He refers me to books, movies and events that I added to my BathtubBulletin and OccupySF.net websites. His name is Troy. As we get off, he realizes he took the wrong train the wrong way, as he was headed to Stonestown. He was reading Letter to a Young Scientist by Edward O. Wilson. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Fear of love can cause violence. Conclusion: Truth is blameless causation and endless possibilities. All Systems Go!

March 1 dream:  Go to Prosperos event. Am not very welcome or very interested. Kiss one guy goodbye. Ignore the others.

March 1 dream:  At reunion, a breast jump over everybody. I think I see Cathy Warfield, but it’s just a little plaque with the names of those who have died or couldn’t be found.

March 1 dream:  I’m sleeping in step-sister’s Laurie’s bed. She says she wants me to sleep with a bar of soap in my mouth. I say, “That’s it,” and leave. Now I’ve got to get back to the city (S.F.).

February 28, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Ian, Nedim and Brandon at Peet’s. Brandon get a wild new haircut and I tell him that as I leave. He says, “Thanks.” (*Relates to shits from hier at Peet’s, I think.) Cute guy at table outside cafe on W.P. Avenue. I do double-take. He smiles. It’s very cold and I want to go home. Try to take K home. Get caught in Muni fare gate and it hits me in the ribs. Decide that’s a sign I should take train to Castro instead. Go to Castro. Walk up Corbett and Portola. #52 to F.H. Really nice black woman bus driver smiles sweetly at me as I board. Take K home. Go to W.F. See Jian at deli counter but don’t talk with him. I’m still worried about my ribs. What if they’re cracked? What if they’re bruised? I think reason I get so worried about my health is because I didn’t feel safe as a young man.

February 28 dream:  I get a few gifts from my parents, and some money, my step-mother said.

February 28 dream:  Robber that I know is more threatening than usual. I think ’cause he’s scared. [Robber is John?]

February 27, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Ian at Peet’s. Also suddenly feel “shitty” and take shits at Peet’s. See “9 of Hearts” playing card on sidewalk. Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Look for copy of B.A.R. to see if my letter is printed. Later realize the new edition won’t come out ’til March 3. Walk up Corbett to Portola to #52. Young, handsome bus driver picks me up and says, “Welcome.” I’m the only passenger on the bus. As I exit, I say, “Not much business tonight.” He says, “There was another bus ahead of me.” Get off at F.H. K home. Make connection with young teen guy. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian. We talk about his Harry Potter glasses. Shits again in p.m.

February 27 dream:  I’m drunk at work at night. There’s a big party going on. I can barely crawl down the hallway. I have been charged with a serious crime and I know I’m going to have to face it tomorrow. [Is the crime that I’ve continued with my life even though Sarah can’t? Just like I did with my mother.]

February 27 dream:  Someone is going to make love with my mother.

February 26, 2023:  In ’til 3:45ish. Rainy outside. K to W.P. Evan, Kai, Jasmine at Peet’s. I’m wearing red pants, red shirt and red umbrella. Evan says, “I like your outfit. It’s color-coded.” Kai and I talk about movies and I mention that my brother Tom was in The Terminator with lines and everything. Spent a lot of time online trying to find a clip of his appearance. My brother was also the Executive Producer of a movie called The Hermaphrodite (1996) and appeared in Remember My Name (1978). Train to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up to Corbett and Portola to M.S. Check out with Ian. I say, “Working hard?” He says, “Hardly working.” I say, “As long as you get in your daily exercise.” He doesn’t respond. #36 to F.H. K home. Watched Remember My Name online in p.m. Not very good movie in my opinion, but had some big names like Tony Perkins, Geraldine Chaplin and Jeff Goldblum.

February 26 nap dream:  Guy tries to steal my pants from public laundry. I grab him.

February 26 dream:  Father and son having to part ways.

February 26 dream:  Me having to go to the dentist.

February 25, 2023:  Get up late. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Evan, Jasmine, Kai and Ian at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Go to Eureka Valley library. Walk past 440 Club. Then up 18th Street to Market. While thinking that I should check with John before publishing my book, friendly black guy walking downhill gives me a big smile. Walk up Glendale Street. Trip and almost fall. See person and his dog in my way. Turns out it’s same young man and his dog from February 21. This time he looked away. Go to M.S. $78.33 bill for not very much food. #43 home.

February 23 dream:  Rear Admiral South is giving me an oral exam on Translation. I begin, “Translation 1 and 2 show us …” Also pee in crowded restroom, with mostly women. All at urinals.

February 23 dream:  Talk to Thane about theater art class I’ll be presenting using Translation as a base.

February 24, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Owner’s son Justin is baristo there. Read the word “Congress” but realize it doesn’t make any sense in what I am reading. So I go back and see that “Congress” doesn’t appear anywhere. Think this is a sign that I will become a Congressperson. Get very excited for several minutes and feel very self-important for a while. Then come down to earth and see that this is just an aspect of my personality that I need to recognize and relinquish. Go to G.P. Library. Walk thru G.C.P. It’s cold. Catch #48. Make eye contact briefly with cute teen. Then Asian guy makes contact with me. I decide to stay one stop beyond my usual to see what he does. But he gets off at my usual stop. I follow him off. He beads uphill and looks back. I look at him but decide not to follow him. (*Relates to hail from hier. It happens but it’s rare that somebody would come on to me without me making the first move.) Take K home. W.F. Check out with Jian. Then coma back and buy popcorn for homeless woman outside W.F. who had requested popcorn from me before. See “Perfection” on the popcorn package. Give popcorn to homeless woman. She says, “No, thanks.” I say, “No, thanks?” She says, “No, thanks.” I say, “Well, I’ll just leave it here in case you change your mind.”

February 24 dream:  Security guard throws food at us. (h.o.)

February 24 dream:  My roommate wants me to take a bath which I do. Then I switch to a shower ’cause I don’t want to sit in my filth. Some people drop by including Lip from Shameless who tells me how good most of the photos turned out ’cause we were in a really good state of mind.

February 23, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Brandon (with pearls), Kai and barista at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Go to Eureka Valley library. Walk up Corbett and Portola. Get caught in rain and then, briefly, hail. #44 to F.H. K home. W.F. Check out with Jian. Try to get online with Thom Hartmann Program. Thunder and lightning in p.m.

February 23 dream:  I’m a New York Jew in Miami. The burn on my hand is healing.

February 23 dream:  Clean up my room.

February 22, 2023:  Go to Peet’s early to catch Brandon at his morning shift. As soon as I arrive, I see Sergio, but not Brandon. I greet Sergio and say, “Where’s Brandon?” Sergio points him out. “He’s right there.” I hadn’t noticed Brandon since he was dressed in black with very little ornamentation. When Brandon sees me, I say, “Where’s the pearls?” He says, “Oh, I forgot, but I’ll wear them tomorrow and I work the afternoon shift tomorrow.” Take train to Castro. Walk up Corbett and Portola to M.S. Amazon Prime drive on Corbett with long dreds and nice smile. #43 home. Read that it may snow over the next few days.

February 22 dream:  Woman beneath me puts a gloved hand over my balls. (h.o.)

February 22 dream:  We’re trying to win a contest in a gay group. My friend suggests we sing a song in drag.

February 22 dream:  At work, buy two new machines that copy DVDs and other stuff. Friend brings in one year anniversary gift in manila folder. Think it’s a book.

February 22 dream:  Driver of car stops to avoid hitting other car which is holding out a table on the passenger side. I wonder why we’re stopping. Suddenly I find myself in the driver’s seat and the guy in the back seat seems unconscious. Also, there’s lots of blackened burn spots on the pavement.

February 22 dream:  Black woman not happy with her “Mom” notes we’ve put all over the place. Also, it’s Father’s Day.

February 22 dream:  Big pole in background. My penis is being restored.

February 21, 2023:  11 a.m. online class on personal finances. In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Go to Peet’s expecting Sergio to be there as Ian indicated hier. He wasn’t. But Brandon was. He’s the one who wore pearls around his neck on January 18. I said, “Where are the pearls/” He said, “I’ll wear them tomorrow.” So I plan to show up early tomorrow so I catch him at his morning shift. Train to Castro. Walk up Corbett and Portola to M.S. Dog walker on Corbett. I don’t know whether he’s male or female so I look closely. He smiles. See Ian at M.S. and tell him, “Don’t go outside. It’s really windy.” He barely responds.

February 21 dream:  I’m living and working in a hotel. A friend of mine from Kansas stopped by while I was at work. (h.o.)

February 21 dream:  Got in touch with Bob Reed (my OSU roommate) and his cute friend who looks remarkably similar to what he looked like in the ’60s. We turn on his (the friend’s) heater to test it out. Also two other heaters.

February 21 dream:  Tom C. there. Harriet takes corner piece of map of S.F. so she can figure out the train system in her corner of the city.

February 20, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Ian and two strange (to me) baristas at Peet’s. Ian tells me that Sergio will be in tomorrow. Feeling kind of “shitty” so take K home. W.F. Check out with Jian.

February 20 dream:  Go to store to buy baby stuff. See Debbie (from Shameless). She waits on me and gives me change, mostly quarters and one 50 cent piece. She asks if she can feel the coins again. And says, “We’ve been through so much.”

February 20 dream:  Going through my book. Needs a lot of editing.

February 20 dream:  Helping elderly blind man down to Room 421 in church so he can teach us something.

February 19, 2023:  Get email from Rick that Sarah died on February 17 at 3:20 p.m. PST. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. See black ghost on Wawona Street. Sergio at Peet’s We talk briefly. He says they’re closing early today. I say, “When?” He says, “About 6 o’clock.” Later I realize he may have been giving me an opportunity to hook up with him. That didn’t make me happy. Train to Castro. Walk up Corbett and Portola to #43 home. Pretty woman and cute guy onboard. Woman smiles as she exits. I unintentionally touch guy’s finger as he exist. W.F.

February 19 dream:  Take ship to first stop. Can’t find way to get down. Then it appears. Go through kind of shopping mall. See James Tunney leaning up against a wall looking beat up. I stop to talk to him.

February 19 dream:  Cartoon guy says, “See, that’s why I switched to women.”

February 18, 2023:  Got email that Sarah died. Even though I already knew this intuitively, it hit me harder than I thought. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See dead rat on the way. See Lee at G.P. Market. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Pause to engage nonverbally with cute young man eating outside Canyon Market. Walk thru G.C.P. Connect with guy(s0 on Portola Drive. Go to M.S. Then CVS. Cashier tells me about truck driving threw front window to try to steal ATM machine and failing. #43 to F.H. K home. W.F.

February 18 dream:  Agree to work with other guy to put our handprints on wood floor. (h.o.)

February 18 dream:  Next to very mossy river. Guy with wooden spoon says we can reach another civilization if we reach down with our spoons for 30 feet.

February 18 dream:  Waiting to do my laundry. Friend there also. Some woman talks about how USC will be the center of the new transportation system.

February 18 dream:  I’m on emergency patrol in a locker room with a red jacket and sash on. Guy about to faint. Me and another guy get him water and coffee. Now he’s talking about wanting a hamburger. Also black family there with young boy who I like.

February 17, 2023:  Get up early. Take nap later. In ’til 3:30ish. Leave house. Feel “shitty.” Come back and take shits. K to W.P. High school guy adding product to his hair while waiting for K. Nedim and two baristas at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Cute guy with big yellow plastic suitcase on train. He makes me happy just sitting there. I ask him (twice), “Is that a suitcase?” He smiies softly and says, “Yes.” Walk up Corbett and Portola to #48 to W.P. Beautiful woman on W.P. Avenue smiles knowingly at me. Take K home. Short, cute young Asian guy gets onboard. I catch his eye twice before I exit. His looks penetrate me. I exit train and think that I should connect with him again. Train operator offers to open the door for me, but I wave him off. Go to W.F. Check out with happy, smiling Jian.

February 17 nap dream:  Embrace young lady.

February 17 dream:  Big snow-covered mountain in in West Oakland parking lot. I want to take a photo of it. Then realize I’m dreaming.

February 17 dream:  Running the vacuum thru a series of things, trying to reach my destination. Dan Banks there. (h.o.)

February 17 dream:  Making sure we were all present and accounted for. Someone asks if her black friend is pregnant. We’re told she’s not.

February 17 dream:  Some friends of mine are going to be in a play on Thursday. I go to other play but I mark down their play in my calendar. Other play is all about how how great women are and how we should all realize that.

February 16, 2023:  Get up early for me (about 9 a.m.) Do online work. Then nap. Then K to W.P. Ian, Nedim, barista at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett and Portola to M.S. See Ian but we don’t talk. #43 to F.H. K home. Connect with black guy on #43. Connect with black guy on K.

February 16 nap dream:  Becky Torres telling me about discount at McD’s.

February 16 dream:  Big celebration wraps up. We try to make sure little kid doesn’t fall in the water. (h.o.)

February 16 dream:  Man refuses medical treatment. Woman gets emotional with him. Later sits on my lap and says, “Do you think I was too emotional?” I say, “No, you were great.” When she gets up, I pick up baby shoes from the floor.

February 15, 2023:  See article about playwright Christopher Chen online. I met him in 2017 when he was working for the Ingleside library. In ’til 3ish. Go to Inglewood library to tell them about the Chris Chen article. K to W.P. Go to optometrist Mebine’s office. Then go across the street to new optometrist office who I met hier, and make an appointment. Ian, Nedim, barista at Peet’s. Barista gives me free drink. Feel kind of shitty. Decide to take train home. Then change my mind and take train to Castro. See cute EMT talking with cyclist who just got hit, it looked like. Take K home. Go to W.F. Get email from my own email address with YouTube recommendation. My Xmas tree lights go out briefly in p.m. Then go back on.

February 15 dream:  Move into Laurie’s old room upstairs. Have back porch to myself.

February 15 dream:  Get up to see what’s making the curtain move. [Then wake up.]

February 15 dream:  Cleaning up after a big party.

February 14, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Ian, Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Pick up wilted red carantion from the floor of train. Put on top of trash can in the Castro. Homeless guy greets me. I don’t understand what he’s saying. So I walk towards him and ask. He says, “Happy Valentines Day.” Made me (and him, I think) very happy. Walk up Corbett and Portola to #48 to W.P. Talk to friendly optometrist who tries to tell me why my computer glasses don’t really help me read the computer. Take K home. W.F.

February 14 dream:  In Paris in a suit. Someone “wows” at me. It’s someone I know. I say, “Richard?” in a French accent. He is a proctologist? He mentions my scrotum, jokingly, to get my attention.

February 14 dream:  HughJohn says he’s getting into hunting and the outdoors and spirituality. I say, “Spirituality is how we met. How everyone in this room met.” We embrace. I embrace him from behind.

February 13, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Ian, Nedim, barista at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Walk up 17th Street to T.P. to M.S. Very dark and windy at top of T.P. Check out with “Haircut Ed” at M.S. #43 home. Peet’s barista from earlier gets off #43 as I get on.

February 13 dream:  Invite Gary Tombleson to join our leadership class. He says, “You’re going to have to do better than that.” He’s going to give his own class on leadership afterwards.

February 13 dream:  Man and woman are both going to prison.

February 13 dream:  I’m reading The Godfather for a test. Person studying next to me is credited. Phoebe (from Friends) is in pool in bikini. Then a double of her appears. People support me.

February 13 dream:  Sarah comes home with a little black baby boy. In fact, he has an erection and public hair. I hold him. Later she goes outside to do a dance of joy with a stranger.

February 12, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Evan and barista at Peet’s. Talk with Evan about The Smiths. He said they stopped singing because they were too old. I said, “Isn’t Mick Jagger still singing?” He wasn’t sure he knew who Mick Jagger was. Later I notice Sergio as he is working near me, but he ignores me. (*Relates to vicious dog from hier?) Begin to feel “shitty” as I leave Peet’s so head to W.P. station to catch K home. See hot guy exiting W.P. station. Sort of whoop at him. Later on the K, I see him walking down W.P. Avenue. He has a great body and walks with casual authority. Makes me very happy. Go to W.F. Check out with woman across from Cole. Take shits whee I get home. Realize I may be addicted to sugar and my body is saying, “No more!”

February 12 dream:  Want to give people at bank 15 points before work day each for their help.

February 12 dream:  Melissa calls checking up on me. I tell her I took my computer for annual look see. She jokes, “If you’re going to have an affair, go to a 3rd class hotel.”

February 12 dream:  I break my cellphone.

February 11, 2023:  Hear “Ft. Collins” in a.m. Laurie not on Facebook commenting on my photos as she usually does. In ’til 1ish. Take K to Castro for haircut at Louie’s Barbershop. OK haircut. He left my hair wet. Who does that? As I leave, I say, “I’ll see you in 5-1/2 weeks.” Shop for flashlight at W.G. and Cliff’s. Then go to Spike’s. Great Jasmine tea. #24 to Noe Valley. Go to W.G. on Castro there. Handsome, funny security guard calls me “boss” as I leave. Walk to G.P. Dog on Moffitt Street barks at me viciously. Owner says, “He’s never like that.” (*Relates to Sergio on February 12?) Buy flashlight at G.P. hardware. Go to G.P. library. Go to C.B. Walk home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole who had his hair back to being undyed. I couldn’t tell if it was him at first.

February 11 dream:  I am helping prepare a meal with an audience around me. I know John is in the audience. Two guys return from trip.

February 11 dream:  Women going to naked slumber party under covers in one bed.

February 11 dream:  Guyado.

February 11 dream:  Translate in my near-sleep: Sense testimony: I must deny myself to fit in. Conclusion: Truth is always the self-evident, undeniable, appropriate identity.

February 11 dream:  Talk to Carol Carter and Clair Gold even though I know they are dead. And they respond. Then I see Thane and he smiles at me. I wonder how he can keep so healthy. Later taking a long piss and my dick seems long, too. I get some pee on my pants so try to cover it with a towel as I talk with some of the guys, who seem to accept me as one of their own.

February 11 dream:  Guy mad at me for platforming AIDS denier back with the Metaphysical Alliance.

February 10, 2023:  Realize I’m angry at more than my father. (*See diary from hier.) I’m angry at society. At my step-family. At heterosexism. At God. At Republicans. At corporate Democrats. At racists. At John. At stupid people. At cute guys. At women. This is fun. In ’til 3ish. Black guy on Ocean nods at me. Then black guy on K nods at me. Buy lotto ticket. Guy at newsstand tells me he won $70,000 on scratch-off. Tell every one at Peet’s (Nedim and two baristas) that I’m going to win $35 million. Train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett and Portola to #48 to W.P. Talk more with Ladi about page 264 quote from Science and Health. (*See diary of February 6.) Then K home.

February 10 dream:  Get out of the bath. Thane offers me a ride home. Then a young Rick Thomas does as well. So Thane bows out.

February 10 dream:  Am at retreat with Thane and others there. Thane has a third leg hanging between his normal two legs. Jordan shows how to arrest someone. My motherly instincts kick in.

February 10 dream:  I stand in middle of battlefield and say, “This ends now.”

February 10 dream:  My father calls a cab for me to see the movie E.T.

February 9, 2023:  In itl 3ish. Go to Balboa Skatepark to see if Zeph might be there. He wasn’t. Take K to W.P. Nedim, Ian, Bruce at Peet’s. Also cute Asian guy who tried to ignore me. Train to Castro. Go to Louis’s Barbershop. Run into Steve, my new barber, as he is going home. We talk briefly. He kind of overpowered me. Walk up Corbett to Portola. Get anonymous phone call. Realize the reason I’m angry at my father (*See online diary from hier). I’m angry at my father for no longer loving me like he did before he got remarried. But how could I express my anger? “Dad, why aren’t you fucking me anymore?” Go to W.F. See Lee Street guy (the 2nd non-communicative guy from February 5). Check out with Jian.

February 9 dream:  Dog thinks somebody should wear pin, but it’s hard to put on them. (h.o.)

February 9 dream:  Standing on top of metal building. Lots of water in courtyard below which eventually drains out. As I leave, see my friend C.O. I have some homework in my hands.

February 9 dream:  Am staying with some wealthy, generous people. I go to catch bus to meet someone. Don’t know where to catch the bus. My appointment is at 10:30 a.m. or so and it’s 10 a.m.

February 8, 2023:  Lots of noise from apartment remodel upstairs from 9 a.m. on. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Run into Zeph at Balboa Skatepark. He is the only person in the park. I go in. He says, “I recognize you.” He tells me his name is Zeph and that he used to work at C.B. I tell I don’t remember him but he looks familiar. When I get home I search my diary and find out that I mention him over 150 times. Zeph is short for Zephania, an Old Testament prophet. I looked it up in the Bible and saw this quote: “I will make you a name and a praise among all people of the earth.” Go to C.B. Sit next to long-haired man at C.B. I turn off my cellphone video in case there is an opportunity to connect with him. There wasn’t. Go to G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. See Janet, the coyote lady, but no coyotes. Go to M.S. #43 home. I’m about to exit one stop early when I connect with beautiful man standing in the doorway. I forego my photo. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Consumption of sugar may cause inflammation. Conclusion: It can be taken for granted that Truth is always agreeable, always sweet. One of the insights I got from this Translation is that what I eat my anger. And my anger is towards my father.

February 8 dream:  Working on my book.

February 8 dream:  Being given lots of work to do at my new job.

February 7, 2023:  Get up at 8ish to go to VA for post-op appointment. Everything fine. No heavy lifting for a few weeks. Walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. See my Asian bakery friend. Check out reflexology place on Irving. They don’t speak English so hard to talk with them. Take #43 to Cole Valery Peet’s. Rude bristo. #43 home. Beautiful young guy I check out. In return, he makes eyes at me. We both get off at same place. He gets on #49. I go to W.F. Refrigerated food lady excited to see me. Check out with Jeff. Jerk off when I get home. Watch Matthew Bourne’s Swan Lake in p.m.

February 7 dream:  Plane lands. There is no help from our parents so we create our own space right in the middle of the yard.

February 6, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Nedim, Bruce at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett and Portola to #48 to W.P. Stop by C.S. Reading Room to talk with Ladi about Mary Baker Eddy quote I saw in their window: “As mortals gain more correct views of God and man, multitudinous objects of creation, which before were invisible, will become visible.” Take K home. W.F. Check out with ever-friendly Jain.

February 6 dream:  Leaving place of employment I’ve been at for a while.

February 6 dream:  Join President Obama and others voting against Biden helping the Russians. Man in crowd says, “Who you vote for is who you want to fuck.”

February 6 dream:  I get a ride to be married to a guy in Santa Cruz. I ask guy giving me a ride if he’s going to the wedding. He says no one invited him. I’m trying to type in some words and they keep disappearing after I type them in.

February 5, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Sergio, Evan, Ian at Peet’s. When I go to restroom, somebody grabs at he locked door. I fantasize that Sergio is trying to get in to have sex with me. Train to Castro. Walk up Corbett and Portola to #48. Sit next to non-communicative guy on #48. And stand across from non-communicative guy on K home. Run into Shrey as we both enter through back door to apartment building. He’s been working at Moth Belly Gallery on Larkin near Geary.

February 5 dream:  Go on date with young woman. Someone takes photo of us with a puppy. Guy says, “It was definitely a date.” Take pee and get it all over my shoe and the floor and another guy. (h.o.)

February 5 dream:  See Maureen Malanaphy, then Livia Malanaphy.

February 5 dream:  Start job on Tuesday with Calvin and some of his friends.

February 4, 2023:  Black ghost appears to leave my bed as I awaken. In ’til 3;30ish. Walk to G.pP Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Walk up O’Shaughnessy Boulevard in light rain. Go to M.S. Then #43 to F.H. Sit next to friendly young man waiting for the K. He tells me about his Kanye shoes and his plans to go to U. of Oregon. When we get on train, we sit separately. Then I join him and we continue our conversation. The door shuts on him before he can get off. I yell “Back door!” and the door opens.

February 4 dream:  Tom C. and others show up to event.

February 3, 2023:  Get up late. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Lots of noisy elementary school girls and one guy in black hoodie trying to cover his face. I touch his arm as I leave train. Ian, barista, Nedim at Peet’s. Beautiful young woman smiles at me. Freaks me out. Later I turn around and she’s not there. Nedim tells me Daniel showed up half hour after I left hier. Train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett and Portola and #52 to F.H. K home.

February 3 dream:  My new apartment is very small, painted white with a stain on the carpet. Local gay men going out on the roof naked and spreading their legs.

February 2, 2023:  Get new lock at 9 a.m. VA video appointment at 11 a.m. My primary care provider says the pain in my sides is not John, it’s inflammation. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Ian, Nedim, barista at Peet’s. Barista gives me free drink. Bruce there, too. This time he doesn’t offer me his seat as he did last time he was there (on January 25). Train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett and Portola. #44 to F.H. Sit next to guy who moves to another bench. K home. W.F. Respond to Gwyllm’s earlier email about Thane’s relationships with young boys. I say: “If I had been younger and prettier at the time, I would have jumped at the chance to hook up with Thane. ‘Cause I was desperate for love, any kind of love. But that’s just my story. And not a very pretty one at that.” Interesting to me is that Thane’s reported pedophilia coincided with my father’s suspected pedophilia. But what was most helpful to me was my admission of my own willingness, if not eagerness, to participate with both men. Only then could Thane and I be able to connect as we did  in the last dream of February 2.

February 2 nap dream:  I pass by Zoê Robinson. She says something in her head. I hear it. We talk.

February 2 dream:  Join gay ice hockey team. Am new on team.

February 2 dream:  [Fire alarm goes off at end of dream.]

February 2 dream:  Talking to Thane as young man in a group of young people, including myself. Only he was two people and so was I. At one point I touch his shoulder and tell him he has a beautiful body. We acknowledged that we talked better when both of us were around. At the end of dream there was fear that the balcony and the building and the many books and bookshelves that surrounded us would all fall down. I moved one book from its outermost place to the innermost place in order to help balance things. (*Relates to partnership dream of January 29? So maybe John is not the partner I have been seeking, but Thane, my inner teacher, is.)

February 1, 2023:  Anonymous call at about 9 a.m. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) Had trouble sleeping in a.m. so take nap in p.m. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Ian and Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett and Portola to #48 to W.P. Insight: realize my “pain in the side” is John. Pass pizza place on W.P. Avenue. See attractive guy in the window. So I go in and order slice of pizza. The guy is not so much handsome as he is kind. I ask him, “Is the pizza good here?” He says, “I don’t know.” He’s wearing a T-shirt that I think says “Volatile Nudity.” So I ask him if that’s what his T-shirt says. Looking again, I see it says “Volatile Toxicity.” So I kind of twirl around in embarrassment. He smiles at me as he leaves store. K home.

February 1 dream:  Getting the apartment ready for Sarah to come over. She’s late.

January 31, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then C.P. Library. Walk thru G.C.P. See hawk on Amber Drive. Then M.S. Check out with Ian. Then #48 to W.P. Worry I’m carrying too much weight for my stitches. Then K home. Old man in wheelchair intentionally runs into passengers. Then at my stop, he yells for help getting off the train. I try but am unable. Big Asian woman adds some foot action to get him over the hump. Fire alarm in p.m. There’s really a fire this time. Somebody on my floor left food in their oven for too long. On the plus side, meet cute neighbor as we both look down hallway at the firemen.

January 31 dream:  Am in some kind of French environment. Waiting for something to happen.

January 31 dream:  I go in and change classroom around. Then I see somebody else change it back. I go to group building. I say, “Wow. This place is really big. I don’t think I’ve ever been here before except at a party.”

January 30, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Brandon, Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Get call from John Atwater. He tells me,  “Something wonderful is going to happen to you,” or maybe he was just quoting a poem by Hafez. Train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett and Portola to #48 to W.P. K home. Cute guy gives me hard look as I board. I stand near him for the whole trip. As he prepares to exit, he becomes, through his body language, really friendly and open. I get off at same stop as him and follow him from a distance ’til he goes into his apartment. Go to W.F. Talk with worker from January 4 who I first met on July 24, 2021. His name is Javier. Check out with Jian who is amazingly friendly as usual. See “mutatis mutandis” in the dictionary by accident. It means “with the necessary changes having been made.”

January 30 dream:  Big movie comes out based on long-running Broadway play. New York Times review posted on the wall. Main character used to play God. Actor has a rich history in New York. All the big shots are there.

January 30 dream:  Woman in her car gets propelled into S.F. Bay. Then it’s rescued by all-woman crew. Area is called the devil’s dip.

January 29, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Evan, Nedim, Sergio, barista’s boyfriend at Peet’s. Don’t see Sergio ’til I’m seated. When he sees me, he kind of jumps with excitement. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Evan being certified as barista. I tell him that he’s certified in my mind. Go to W.P. station. John Atwater from Colorado calls. Take train to Castro. Walk back via Corbett and Portola to #44 to F.H. Take K home. Go to W.F. Cute, dimpled young man in aisle 3.

January 29 dream:  Didn’t do what my father said. Now we go to bed and wait for his wrath in the a.m.

January 29 dream:  Full plane flying really low over dry hay. People walking around in the plane make it veer from side to side.

January 29 dream:  Trying to hold up professor’s bookshelf in his home. He beckons me and another guy to the back room and he’s going to show us how to massage his wife’s back. She smiles and says, “Go to a good masseuse.” Big fat cat is sucking on my neck.

January 29 dream:  I’m TV announcer live on air. My female co-host says, “This Friday is Partnership Day.” Then she shows me some rings. I put ring on my finger and say, “Does anybody want a partnership?”

January 28, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Just before I leave home start to feel “shitty.” So take shits. Then take K to W.P. Evan, Kai, baristas at Peet’s. Take train to Castro. Stop by Louie’s barbershop to check it out. Seems ok. Walk up Corbett to Portola to M.S. Check out with “Haircut Ed.” I show him the business card from Louis’s. He says, “Oh, the Castro.” Connect with guy on #48. Connect with other guy waiting for the K on 14th Avenue. Then connect with guy on K. Go to W.F. Connect with W.F. worker from January 4.

January 28 dream:  The lady who lives at the place we were at had a history. Somebody committed suicide there. As I walk home, cafe is closed but I knock on door and give woman $1.05 tip anyhow.

January 28 dream:  Guy going thru crystal stage just like I did several years ago. I told him, “They didn’t work for me.”

January 27, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Ian, Kai, barista at Peet’s. Nice connection with Ian. Take K to Castro. Walk up Corbett to Market to #44. As I exit #44, kind of psychically penetrate cutish guy who may or may not have wanted to be penetrated. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think. Also “Expect the Unexpected” from hier?) Take K home from Forest Hill. W.F.

January 27 dream:  Statue at metaphysical corner relates to guy being soaked from head to toe. (William Fennie?)

January 27 dream:  V.P. Biden comes up to me and tells me I should be taking my pills for my chest cancer. I am thrilled to meet him.

January 26, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. Take K to W.P. Brandon not wearing pearls today, but a choker with a ring on it. Nedim and barista there, too. Bruce not there even though he said he would be. Get call from Calvin while I’m there. He says Tom C., Cheryl and David (Weinman) send me their love. Calvin tells me funny story of when he had his appendix out some 50 years ago, that even though he was sedated, he still put up a fight when they started cutting into him. And he has the scar to prove it. See Manny at nearby newsstand. Start walking home. Start feeling “shitty.” Rush back to S.B. in W.P. Buy latte and take shits. Really nice barista. Take K home. Get “Expect the Unexpected” in p.m.

January 26 dream:  “Darth Vader” in radar(?) house. Uses up all the electricity. (h.o.)

January 26 dream:  Searching for “Thor” online.

January 26 dream:  Older swarthy man comes out of doorway from below and embraces me. He says, “Oh, I don’t think I can live without you.” I think, “Do I really want to have sex with this man?” Later I return to where I had been. And young shirtless black man tells me they’re going to be there ’til the wee hours of the morning. He looks like he wants to rape me.

January 26 dream:  Woman comes up to me at end of event. She says, “You’ve done nothing, but you try to advise the president of S.F. State.” She meant it in a complimentary way, admiring my nerve.

January 25, 2023:  Take first shower since surgery. Yay! Do online work. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Card I sent to Jonathan on January 20 was returned postage due. I forgot to put a stamp on it so I re-mail it. K to W.P. Ian, Nedim, Jasmine, Bruce at Peet’s. Bruce makes a big deal about giving me his seat when he leaves. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue.

January 25 dream:  Story comes to an end. Those thought to have lost today have won in the long run.

January 25 dream:  I prepare food guy brought. It evaporates to almost nothing by the time I get it to his apartment. Apartment owner jokes, “Not bad for 2nd class people.”

January 25 dream:  With group of young friends in nice S.F. home with floor-to-ceiling windows. One young girl had been in a movie. I asked which one. She said, What It’s Like To Be Me. Then she ran outside. I was naked. Someone said, “It looks like a ‘Kai sky’ (or a ‘high sky’). Everything outside looked sort of blurry and artsy like a water coloring.

January 24, 2023:  Get email from step-sister Nancy in a.m. inviting me to “talk about Dad” on February 2 at 2 p.m. I agree. Later I changed my mind and emailed Nancy saying, “I’ve done enough work on him.” (*See 2nd dream of January 11.) Later Calvin calls wishing me well on my recovery from surgery. In ’til 4:30ish. #43 to Monterey Boulevard. Walk to G.P. See Lee at G.P. Market. Too late for C.B. Go to G.P. library. Then #44 to Portola Drive. Go to M.S. Check out in express lane. Then see Ian at another check out lane. Go to S.B. on Portola. Re-meet Angel, who is a friend of Anthony’s, who was very important to me a few years ago. Anthony works in the a.m. mostly, Angel tells me. Give $2 to “Mouse.”

January 24 dream:  This guy and I are both looking for house. I find four properties, though the last one is only a vacant lot.

January 24 dream:  Ex-Marine friend of mine has to re-enlist. I’m thinking of finding a new place.

January 23, 2023:  Leave home at 7:15ish to go to VA surgery appointment. As I enter ASU (Ambulatory Surgery Unit), connect with young man in scrubs who seems to want to speak with me but isn’t sure. We exchange glances. Then he just smiles (behind his mask) and leaves. Operation successful. Even fun after being given sedatives and entering the futuristic operating room. My doctor said he talked to me during the operation but I don’t remember that. Recovery, however, has been very painful so far. And slow. Have to wear brace and can’t shower for two days. They say it may take up to six weeks to fully recover. John F. drives me home. We stop of McD’s and I buy us lunch.

January 23 dream:  Man spying on me in Saratoga house. Then Ashton Kutcher in San Francisco street.

January 23 dream:  See Barry Bram sitting with his colleagues on the floor of their architectural firm thru floor-to-ceiling windows on first floor. Friend comes up to me and says, “I saw you looking in that porn shop.” There was a porn shop next door.

January 22, 2023:  Worry that the aspirin I took a few days ago will jeopardize my surgery tomorrow. In ’til 5:30ish. K to W.P. Evan and Kai at Peet’s. Kai gives me a complimentary drink. Take M to Castro. Then take K home. Nervous about surgery tomorrow.

January 22 dream:  My mother is a taxi driver. She comes into the kitchen. I say, “We never got to know each other very well.” Then I say, “Do you like the cab you’re driving?” She says, “It’s okay.”

January 21, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down to U.S. mailbox. Feel shits coming on. Rush back home. Take shits. Walk to G.P. Talk briefly with Lee at G.P. Market. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Some people looking at coyote. I barely see it. Later see Janet, the Coyote Lady, racing on lower path. Guy on Amber Drive tells me what a beautiful sunset it is. I didn’t think it was that great, but took photos anyway. Go to M.S. At entrance, briefly encounter young man who was unsure if he wanted to go in or not and I kind of freeze in place with him. See “Sir Allen” as I check out. Give $2 to “Mouse” outside S.B. Go to #48 bus stop. Same young man from M.S. is standing there. I think, “I’ll ask him when the #48 is due.” Before I get a chance to ask him, he says, “It’ll be about 5 minutes.” We get to talking and continued talking on #48. He’s a junior at St. Ignatius High School. Wants to study physics or a few other subjects at U. of Oregon or U. of Colorado. His name is Joaquin. He’s very handsome. Very friendly. Get off at W.P. Catch #57 to Stonestown. Then #29 home. Sit across from three young men. One very handsome. At least one of them, I’m pretty sure, is gay. They all get off at my stop. I follow them to local liquor store and handsome guy comes out of the store first. And we briefly connect, I think.

January 21 dream:  Zombie-type guy turns into other people and makes them zombies, too. He poked one kid in the eye and I think that killed him. I try to catch him, I think. (h.o.)

January 21 dream:  Go to sex party at John H’s. There’s a sign outside his house saying, “John H. Sex Party.” Different rooms for different sexual tastes. I walk in. Everyone (male and female) is well-dressed and walking from room to room like an art gallery or a museum. Nobody is having sex. I didn’t see John, though it felt like he was very pleased with himself.

January 21 dream:  Co-worker who trained me tries to do my job. I say, “Let me do my job!”

January 20, 2023:  Two anonymous calls in a.m. Watch “Matthew Bourne’s Swan Lake Final Scene” on YouTube. (*See last dream of January 16.) In ’til 3:45ish. Distant hawk on Ocean gets closer as I ride on K to W.P. Nedim and baristas at Peet’s. Nedim tells me Daniel had been in hier and said he was having a tough time. S to Castro. Walk up Corbett Avenue and Portola Drive to #48 to W.P. Take K home. Guy with hot pink hair smiles at me. Go to W.F. Talk with refrigerated foods lady. Check out with Jian instead of Cole. Buy popcorn for homeless lady at W.F. doorway. ;Mail card to Jonathan Flynn asking him to contact me about his mother.

January 20 dream:  Trying to do the laundry on the back of a truck while others guys are doing something else. (h.o.)

January 20 dream:  Go to local event. Something disappointing happens. I feel like leaving but I don’t. New young guy does. He pops into local apt. building. Then pops out the back. And he is racing with other young man. At the final place they rap to each other.

January 20 dream:  Sitting in big comfortable chair at party. Cenk and his French girlfriend came in. She sits right on me. I try to say something in French. She works at a primary school and tries to teach kids not to fear. Other woman at party, also a teacher, is jealous of her.

January 19, 2023:  Up early for appointments at VA at 10:30 a.m. They just wanted to make sure I was healthy enough for surgery on Monday. After, go to La Promenade Café. Then buy oatmeal cookie from Devil’s Teeth Bakery Company. Guy was a lifeguard at Capitola. We talked about the recent storm. Walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Stop by Asian bakery to see my friend there. Then catch #44. Hot muscular guy with lots of tattoos gets on. I look at him. He smiles at me, I think. Later I move closer to him and he tells me he’s going on vacation to San Diego. I wish him a nice vacation. He looks a little disappointed as I leave. (*Relates to last dream of January 14, I think.) After, meet young blond UC Berkeley student who I’m not really attracted to. #23 to Safeway. #43 home.

January 19 dream:  Sykes.

January 18, 2023:  In ’til 3:15ish. K to W.P. Nedim and barista and Brandon, wearing gold cross on his ear and string of pearls around his neck (like J.P. used to) at Peet’s. M to Castro. Decide not to walk down Castro but up Market. Immediatley get anonymous phone call. I think it’s probably John. As I think this, pretty young woman smiles sweetly at me. Walk up Corbett Avenue to Market to #48 to W.P. Run into Ladi on West Portal Avenue. K home. Go to Pakwan resto. My friend not there. Work online. Put up photos form the last few weeks.

January 18 dream:  Start a job with several friends I knew from working in the Central Warehouse. Only one guy I didn’t know and he gave me a piece of paper letting me know that he’d killed a guy. I offered to sign but they said they already had a signed copy on file. “So why did you give this to me?” I ask. “Just to be nice,” they said. Michael Conner was there, but not the guy born in ’69 who wanted to be my boyfriend.

January 17, 2023:  Painful nite last nite. Finish online work. Take nap. In ’til 4:30ish. K to W.P. Talk with Issa briefly about his nephew Manny, who’s studying software engineering at Skyline College. Nedim, Ian at Peet’s. Take K home. Insight: If I’m anti-hierarchical, then I’m against having a hierarchical God, or a hierarchical city, or a hierarchical family, etc.

January 17 dream:  I’m having dinner with my uncles and aunts.

January 17 dream:  Waiting in line to pee before buying a 6-pack of Coke and joining others for dinner.

January 17 dream:  Go to new place for a week. Think of taking a course or at least seeing a play. They’re doing Julius Caesar or is it Romeo and Juliet?

January 16, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. See guy at Ocean and Lee with slight smile. I hang around the corner for a while. Finally, I ask him, “Do you know if the K train is coming?” He says, “I don’t know.” I still stick around. He wanders around. Finally he meets up with guy. And K train arrives. K to W.P. Ian, Nedim at Peet’s. Talk with Issa after. He wants me to take photos of his new food place next to his newsstand. M to Castro. Girl passers by. She smells great. Walk up 18th Street to Market to M.S. Talk with Sir Allen briefly. Check out with Ian. We’re both happy it stopped raining for a while. #48 to W.P. K home. Brief eye contact with cute though strange guy who gets off at next stop. Go to W.F. Check out with Jeff rather than Cole. Small shits while watching TV in p.m.

January 16 dream:  Steve H. asks me what I was. I say, “I went to bed at 9:15. Then I got up at 10:15 and I saw you and there was this pet pig in the group which had a really good build, like a tiger, without hind legs.

January 16 dream:  Really cute, young, blond, shirtless guy in gay bar starts hanging his arms around me. I return the favor. He’s from San Jose. (*Relates to seeing “Matthew Bourne’s Swan Lake Final Scene” on YouTube, I think.)

January 15, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Ian, Kai, Bruce, Nedim at Peet’s. I show Kai the photo of “Indiana Jones and the Afternoon Nap.” Since it’s still wet outside and I’m still recovering from walking in the rain hier, I decide to take K home. Nice-looking guy sits across the aisle from me and talks on the phone with someone. Doesn’t seem to know where’s he’s going. He almost gets off at my stop but corrects himself. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Then buy croissant and check out again with Jian. I ask him where he spent New Year’s Eve. He says he watched the fireworks from the S.F. waterfront. I ask him if the weather was okay. He said, “Yes, Mother Nature loves me.” Outside meet homeless guy named John who I gave the blanket to on January 7. I give him the croissant I bought to see Jian.

January 15 dream:  My girlfriend and another girl walk out the door. I’m tall, dark and handsome. My girlfriend says to her friend, “Look what a small ass he has.” My dog is in my bed, under the covers, barking at me. Not sure if he’s playing or not.

January 15 dream:  At Prosperos planning meeting for Sunday Meetings. Most everyone wants an introducer who has a lot of experience in the school rather than a newcomer.

January 15 dream:  Sam Seder talks about what it might have been like when he and his older sister left home and it was only his mother and younger sister in the house.

January 15 dream:  Someone gives me $5 to kiss five people and I accepted. Now I’m backing out. I’m outside with my TV and it begins raining.

January 14, 2023:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Get caught in rain. Talk briefly with Lee at G.P. Market. Go to C.B. Feel “shitty.” Take shits at G.P. library around 5ish. Walk thru G.C.P. More rain. Go to M.S. As I exit, I do double-take of young guy posing in front of health drink shelves. I’m not really interested in him so I leave. Then start blaming myself for not being interested in him. #48 to W.P. Wait for K. Guy tells me #57 is coming. Then other guy sort of ushers me onto #57. A few stops later, I get off and catch K home. Insight: I think the Universe is telling me that even though people in my life or in my head assume that I should do something, I don’t have to listen to them. Which relates not only to the #57 bus but to the guy posing for me at M.S. Go to W.F. Buy quiche on sale to please my refrigerated food lady. Later can’t figure out how to turn my oven off. Check out with Cole who’s wearing his orange and black Halloween colors.

January 14 dream:  Somersaulting into clear pool.

January 14 dream:  Tom O. stays behind with Colleen and others in the van. I say, “Are you staying?” He says, “Yes.” Me and Jordan and someone else walk hand-in-hand, which I’m not too comfortable with. Then they jump off the structure we’re on. I look down and it looks too far and dangerous to me. Someone comes back and says it’s scary. But he wants me to jump. I think I will just walk around on the ground.

January 13, 2023:  VA calls in a.m. Translation group at 11 a.m. No one shows up. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Kai and two baristas at Peet’s. Kai told me he binge watched all four Indiana Jones movies over the weekend. Muni to Castro. Cute Asian guy on train trying to cover his face. Walk down Castro to Earthbar. It’s closed. Go up 18th Street to M.S. looking for turmeric. None there. Continue to Market Street and Portola M.S., Translating arthritis, inflammation, and pain in my head. Realize much of my anger relates to not being able (or feeling like I wasn’t able) to express my interest in men ’til I was 23. See “Sir Allen” at M.S. briefly. See “Success.” Check out with “Haircut Ed.” Go to CVS. Find turmeric capsules. Supposed to be good for inflammation. #43 home. Obnoxious young hetero couple in back seat. Email Daniel with photo of “Indiana Jones and the Afternoon Nap.”

January 13 nap dream:  See John in the Castro. Then he goes to a massage appointment in the Castro.

January 13 dream:  On board a big luxury cruise ship which never leaves port. Someone says, “The young people are having the time of their lives.” I start to exit. One of the stops is Chartres, pronounced Chart – i – e.

January 13 dream:  Closing down The Prosperos “store” in S.F. May move it to other location in the city. Living in desert town. Guy I like lives there. I have my book with me. At one point I throw it to the ground and say, “I just wonder if it’s crap or not.” Walk home. Lots of strange animals like eels on the ground. Find myself walking up to half open Dutch door and just opening it. Turns out it belongs to teacher at my school. I apologize for just opening the door. He says, “That’s alright. You’re in.” I want to talk to him about my book.

January 12, 2023:  Zoom call at 11 a.m. with Graham from Canada. He got my name from the Current Events Empathy Circle I tried to start a few months ago. Seemed to be a complete waste of time. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Brandon and Sergio at Peet’s. Bruce there also. I asked Brandon about the gold cross earring he had on his left ear. I said, “Does that mean you are Christian?” He said, “No, I just wear it ’cause it looks good.” Listening to YouTube while working on crossword puzzle, run across the kind of wrestling video which makes me hot and bothered. Decide I would leave it on and see if Sergio picks up on my feelings. I don’t speak to him until I leave. He asks me about my Christmas party. I think he’s referring to John F. and I going to Tommy’s Joynt on Christmas Day. I forgot that I had invited him to attend cousin Leigh’s Christmas Eve dinner. He told me that his flight back home from L.A. was cancelled and that he had to take a flight to Vegas and then home. Woman waiting in line behind me. Sergio looked a little disappointed as I left. See “Perfect” afterwards. Muni Metro to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Cafe Mystique. See cute guy on scooter so I turn around and walk back to Castro Station. Walk up Market to #48 to #43 home. S.F. Insight: Conclude that my hip pain comes from me being disjointed from my sexuality.

January 12 dream:  At Prosperos party. Everyone drinking, including me. I kiss Sarah [played by Emma Vigeland from Majority Report]. I have to go ’cause I have to return tomorrow a.m. She asks how much I can contribute. I am writing a check for $50. I think I have a new boyfriend.

January 12 dream:  Watching suicide videos at work. At first on my bathroom computer. Then in my office. Young woman comes in crying and says she wants to watch it later.

January 11, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nedim, Ian and two baristas at Peet’s. Also Bruce. M to Castro. Guy sneezes on me so I go to other end of the train. Well-built black man stands in front of me with skin-tight pants. I follow him out and stand behind him on the escalator. His pants are even tighter in the back. He grabs his butt and looks back a few times. I pass. (*Relates to shits hier at M.S.?) Go by 440 Club. Looks bright inside. Pass Cafe Mystique. Looks empty inside. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. M to Balboa. Then walk home. Watching White Noise at about 11:45 p.m., a film about communicating with the dead, My little Christmas tree lights flicker on and off twice. Wonder if it is a signal from somebody who has just died.

January 11 dream:  Trying to make it up one lane, partially paved highway as passenger in semi-truck. (h.o.)

January 11 dream:  Going from place to place with this group of others. My parents finally arrive 45 minutes late. My father, step-mother and step-sister are all smiles. I say,”You’e late. I’d given up on you.” Then, “But thanks for coming.” (*Relates to email from step-sister Nancy telling me she will respond to my email of January 3, I think.  My father, step-mother and step-sister being all smiles was just how my step-mother responded to me at our reunion meeting in the ’80s.)

January 11 dream:  Doing filing at work. Like my boss and co-workers. Don’t like filing. I come across a piece of food. Someone says, “You can eat it if you like.” I don’t.

January 10, 2023:  in ’til 3:15ish. K to W.P. Nedim and Brandon at Peet’s. S to Castro. Woman standing too near me when there were plenty of seats available. I stood up to her on my way out. Pass 440 Club. Looks bright inside. Check out Cafe Mystique. Looks empty inside. Run into tough guy standing in the middle of the sidewalk. I stand facing him. Walk up 18th Street to Market to M.S. Feel “shittier” and “shittier.” Take shits at M.S. Buy single item. Check out with girl who asks me if I took photos of the thunder and lighting this morning. I said, “No, I was inside at the time, but it’s funny. There was all this thunder and lightning and then the skies suddenly cleared.” Take #43 home. See Pakwan friend all alone. Go to W.F. to see if Jian is there. He’s not. Harrold and Jeff are. Go back to Pakwan and order something to go from my Pakwan friend. Watching The White Lotus in p.m., realize my father may have been flat-out gay. Remember good-looking employee of his named Grady. (*Relates to thunder and lighting from this a.m.?)

January 10 dream:  After a long nite of drinking and partying, my father is holding my hand and singing. (h.o.)

January 10 dream:  My friend who was abused by my father tricked him (my father) into leaving.

January 9, 2023:  Wake up with wart on my leg. Later realize it may be related to unconscious feeling of ugliness from my childhood. In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 19th Street to Market to M.S. Check out with “Haircut Ed” and Ian, who is rather subdued. See “Sir Allen” as I leave. I wave to him but he’s looking at someone else. Cute guy passes by. I check him out for Sir Allen’s benefit. Go to CVS for wart removal. My CVS friend is there but he doesn’t give me the same look he gave me on December 25. #43 home. Black guy give me curious look so, in a nearly empty bus, I sit directly next to him in. We get off at same stop. I follow him to #8 stop. Feel really good afterwards. Go to W.F. Talk briefly with not particularly handsome guy from January 4. Check out with Jian. Meet Christian photographer/documentarian in line. His name is Lucky. He says he’s trying to document the great things God is doing. Try to remember December 28 exchange with Jian when I asked him if he was going to celebrate New Year’s Eve. He said, “Do you have any suggestions?” I said, “You could go out and get drunk.” He said, “Can you recommend some place where 20-year-old’s might go?”

January 9 dream:  Teacher told us about big battle against the Jews in 1117. Gives me a textbook which was written in the next millennium about it. I have shitty pants on. We’re sitting in a classroom.

January 9 dream:  Woman is moving out of house in the San Fernando Valley. She asks me, “Are you going to buy it?” I say, “How much?” Turns out she’s my sister.

January 9 dream:  Walking out of Whole Foods at Market and Dolores.

January 8, 2023:  Call Jonathan to get update on his mother Sarah. Leave message. In ’til 2:20ish. K to Castro. Feel “shitty.” Get to Ricardo and Ken’s. Take shits on arriving. Dinner party with Ken, Ricardo, Armando and Gonzalo. Armando is very talkative. Gonzalo had a stroke a few years ago so is difficult to understand. But really lovable. Dinner ends around 7:30 p.m. Walk to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Cafe Mystique down to W.G. to buy Sunday paper. They’re all out. Go back to Castro Station. Take M to W.P. Run into Kai, Evan and barista just getting off work at Peet’s. Buy Chron from Manny, the young man who got very excited on seeing me on January 2. Also cute young guy hanging out looking for sex, I guess. (Could have been a tulpa of John. He was ready, willing and available and probably under age. But when I turned around, he was gone.) Take #57 and #29 home. Stop in W.F. Tell bakery guy how everybody loved his raspberry mousse.

January 8 dream:  Trying to discern something by the process of elimination.

January 8 dream:  White wolf and black wolf running together.

January 8 dream:  Eating big vanilla and chocolate mousse with chocolate coating. And feeling okay afterwards. Then taking a bite of somebody’s hamburger with whipped cream on top. He wasn’t happy.

January 8 dream:  On way to look at apartment near where I live. Run by strange guy. Then run into Bill Larsen [who is deceased]. He looks good.

January 7, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Evan, Kai and barista at Peet’s. First time I’ve seen Evan since he didn’t show up for Christmas Eve Midnight Mass at Grace Cathedral like he said he would. He seemed pleased to see me. It’s still rainy and windy out so I take K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Tell him about two homeless people sitting outside W.F. I buy popcorn for the woman as I had done for her at her request a few weeks ago. She was pleased. Later bring down blanket. She refuses. So I give it to guy with two dogs sitting next to her.

January 7 dream:  A Victorian house is torn down. We’re trying to save them.

January 7 dream:  Lots of construction workers in my new office job. Lots of visible dust in the air, but at least it wasn’t smoke. I go looking for my boss. Someone hands me open sandwich with bacon on top. I don’t know what my job is.

January 7 dream:  I hear Kyle Kulinski on radio talking about Bernie Sanders running for president in 2024.

January 6, 2023:  Jonathan calls in a.m. Gives me update on his mother Sarah. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Then walk thru G.C.P. Hear coyotes howling as I exit. Go to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” He’s all bundled up due to cold air coming from refrigerator, he tells me. #43 home. Go to W.F. Then Pakwan. Nice connection with my Pakwan friend. Downstairs tenant moves out. I can feel the paint fumes from below.

January 6 dream:  About to give Prosperos class. Lots of people in the room. I ask how many. I’m told four students. The rest are here for a talk. Go to restroom to take pee.

January 5, 2023:  Anonymous call in a.m. My phone was turned off at the time. In ’til 3:15ish. I call Jonathan who calls me back about his mother Sarah. She will be biopsied today and surgery on her lung tomorrow. K to W.P. Ian, Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Also, beautiful Asian guy who I talk with. He’s a chemistry teacher at Lowell. I say, “Oh, that’s the good one.” He says, :”Yes.” Feel “shittier” and “shittier.” Walk up Ulloa to Laguna Honda Blvd. Catch #43 home. Rush home to take shits. Then go to W.F. Check out with Jeff.

January 5 dream:  Henry Avallone and Calvin Harris about to get married. We go from easy game of volleyball to tougher game involving weight-lifting.

January 4, 2023:  Anonymous call at about 9:14 a.m. In ’til 2:30ish. #29 and #38 to VA. Two cute young guys on #29. PT appointment with Carol. Good meeting. Very rainy as I leave VA. Take #38 to #24 to Castro. Feel very “shitty.” Stop in 440 Club very briefly. Then take S to W.P. Peet’s is closing early due to the storm. Ian, Kai and barista there. They give me free drink and tell me that they will be closing in six minutes. Nice connection with Kai, who has been promoted to supervisor. Stop in at S.B. briefly. Then go to 14th Avenue to wait for K. Nice chat with fellow traveler. She decides to walk. I catch M bus to Balboa. Then #8 home. Go to W.F. Nice refrigerated food lady. At soup station, policeman asks me how my day is going. Also, nice worker there, not particularly handsome, but really attractive. As I’m talking with him, beautiful girl comes up and sort of pushes me out of the way. When I get home, realize I left my glasses behind someplace. I feel bad about losing my reading glasses even though I usually read better without them. Later realize I feel bad ’cause I disappointed the VA (my parents), not ’cause I lost my glasses. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: A collapsed lung may indicated a collapsed spirit. Conclusion: We have only to invoke our own constant state of enthusiastic equilibrium. Afterwards, see “1111,” which means to me that everything’s okay. It was the first time I saw that sign in relationship to somebody other than me.

January 4 dream:  Many of the tiles have been cleaned but not sure which ones.

January 4 dream:  Accidentally put my clothes in toilet instead of the washing machine, and flush them. I retrieve most of them.

January 3, 2023:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nedim, Ian and barista at Peet’s. Feel “shitty.” Decide to take K home instead of to the Castro. Sit across from fashionable Asian guy who gets off one stop before mine. I get off with him. Then go to McD’s and get a chicken sandwich since I’m now a chickatarian. Beautiful Asian teen in line. Go to W.P. Run into Peter as he’s exiting and I’m entering. We catch up. He started a new job today. Check out with guy who didn’t want to talk much. Insight: Watch video of older male guest talking about cute host’s bottom. I get defensive. He was crossing the line like my father did with me. But I let him (my father) ’cause I thought I had to. Later send step-sister Nancy an email saying that I’m still working on my relationship with my father and that the last time I saw him was at the reunion at her house back in the ’80s. I asked if there was anything she could tell me about his final years that might be of value to me.

January 3 dream:  John and I move into same building on same floor. My step-sisters are below us. (h.o.)

January 3 dream:  Go into store. Gay guy talks my head off. Some Christian Science books. Lady painting eyes. I have on black leather jacket when I leave.

January 3 dream:  Going to community college where they pass pamphlets with “I am Woman Hear Me Roar,” something about being black and something about being gay.

January 2, 2023:  Jonathan Flynn calls telling me that his mother Sarah has been in the hospital for a few days with a collapsed lung. I Translate. In ’til 3:15ish. Take K to W.P. Rainy day. Nedim, Ian and barista at Peet’s. Catch up on my reading. Go to W.P. library. Pass newsstand. Young man inside gets very excited seeing me. I walk backwards and come into the store, briefly talking with the owner as the young man rushes back to work. Take K to Castro. It looks rainy and dead. Take K home. Translate in my head on way home.

January 2 dream:  Back at stables where I had been before. I didn’t really know what my job was. Perhaps I was to write about it.

January 2 dream:  Pass by bar/resto where I know John works.

January 1, 2023:  In ’til 2:15ish. Take #49 to Tommy’s Joynt. Meet up with John F. Fabian never shows up. Sexy guy at bar with his girlfriend. We connect. Walk down Van Ness and up Market to Castro. Pass 440 Club and Cafe Mystique. Peek in window and see Namantha waiting on table. Walk up 19th Street. Guy walking three dogs says loudly, “Yes!” Go to M.S. Check out with Sir Allen. Find out he’s studying television communication at City College. Ian also checking people out but we don’t connect. Go to CVS trying to buy shaving cream. See my cute Asian “boyfriend” but by the time I get back to the counter he wasn’t there. #43 home. Sit across aisle from sexy guy sitting cross-legged. We connect briefly at one point. I go one extra stop to get off at same place as him. Insight: I’ve always thought that I had to wait for John to complete our relationship, whether ending it completely or beginning it. That didn’t seem right to me, waiting for somebody else to ensure my spiritual progress. Today I realized that I also had that same relationship with my father. While, as a young adult, I tried to avoid my father or get away from him as quickly as possible, I think that, as a child, I was still waiting for him to heal me. For him to love me. For him to return the love I had for him. I think this is what the “Yes!” from 19th Street was referring to. With this insight, I now realize that I no longer have to wait for John to complete me, though I’m still waiting for my father to make me whole. Or maybe my father and I can just get a divorce due to irreconcilable differences or emotional bigamy for marrying my step-mother when he was still emotionally married to me. . And if we do get a divorce, I want half his money.

January 1 dream:  Sneak into cousin’s house, trying to avoid my parents. Find a place to sleep on the floor.

January 1 dream:  Trying to get gadget heading for conference. I was going to speak but there wasn’t room.

January 1 dream:  Tell guy I’m part of “Me Too.”

December 31, 2022:  Got text from Fabian saying, “What are you doing now?” At first I tell him I have online work to do. Then my computer breaks down. So I tell him my day has just opened up. Leads me to fantasizing about him coming over. Makes me hot all over. Although at other times during the day, I wish he’d just go back to Columbia. In ’til 1:30ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. I was going to walk to G.C.P. Then #35 bus to Castro comes around the corner. So I take that as a sign that I should go to the Castro. Texted Fabian that I would be in the Castro if he was nearby. He texted me back that he wasn’t nearby. I walked from 19th Street to 17th Street. Passing Cafe Mystique, one of the waiters smiled at me. Pass 440 Club. The Castro feels kind of dead. Follow trio from #35 into Castro Station. Take K home. Stop by W.F. Check out with female cashier. I ask, “Are you planning to celebrate tonight?” She says, “Maybe.” I think she thinks I’m coming on to her,

December 31 dream:  I am trying to break into window on one side of the building so I can exit the other side of the building.

December 31 dream:  Pick up baby from hospital.

December 31 dream:  Go to office where John works.

December 31 dream:  Listening to talk. We’re told to act like dogs. John is one person over from me.

December 30, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Nobody shows up though all three of us submitted Translations. In ’til 12:15 p.m. #29 and #38 to VA. Meet Fabian from Bucaramanga, Columbia, on #29. We talk ’til he gets off at G.G. Park. And we have texted several times since. I invited him to join John F. and me at Tommy’s Joynt on Sunday. Go to VA. Get my toenails done. Then #43 to camera store on Chestnut. Stop by Peet’s there. Barista is AOC lookalike. Walk to Polk Street. It looked a lot better today than it did on Christmas day. Exchange energy with young man in store on lower Polk. Get caught in rain. Take K home. Woman says I left my cane behind. I say, “It’s not mine.” See “relief” again. RHS my father in p.m. due to prank calls earlier. Feel really sad, but at least this time I recognize why I feel so sad. It comes from thinking that my father (the person I love) will not ever and cannot ever see me.

December 30 dream:  Two women fight. When it’s all over, turns out they were two men. And they laugh, but they fight.

December 30 dream:  1 May 1963

December 29, 2022:  Lots of noise from upstairs apt. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Take K to W.P. Stephanie, Nedim and barista at Peet’s. Stephanie reminds me she is studying interior design at SF State. See “relief.” See “Perfect.” Take K to Castro. Walk by 440 Club and Cafe Mystique. It’s raining lightly. Eye young male hooker standing at corner of 19th and Castro and walk on. (*Relates  to “Perfect” from above, I think.) Walk up 19th Street and Market to #44 to F.H. K home. Reading more from Pain, Sex and Time by Gerald Heard. I think “relief” relates to not hearing any more noise from apt. above. Though it would be even better if it referred to my pelvic pain.

December 29 dream:  Give stage prop to band playing on stage.

December 29 dream:  I stopped my sister or some woman from spreading gossip by taking away her desire. We were all sitting on the floor. I was wearing my black leather jacket. The meeting ended and we all got up.

December 29 dream:  Looking at old Seinfeld show featuring Jerry’s mother (actress Liz Sheridan). Car comes up on freeway and almost hits me.

December 29 dream:  Kinder is close. (So is tinder.)

December 28, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nedim, Ian and barista at Peet’s. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. It looks very inviting with all the Christmas lights on. I want to go in but don’t want to encounter John one way or the other. Then pass Cafe Mystique, where my friend works. It also looks very inviting, but I don’t go in. Walk up 19th Street to Market. Insight: I was getting down on myself for not going into the 440 Club. Then I remembered all the other times I felt excited about the bright possibility of being with John or being with my father, or even being with Jun. So I got the answer I’ve been waiting for for 35 years. John’s not going to be my boyfriend. He can’t be, and he was never interested in that.  Just like my father could never be my lover, not really. The promise of what both John and my father and even Jun could have given me was being part of a relationship and therefore of being accepted by somebody, anybody, as normal, which is something that I was convinced I was not. And this was something I was trying desperately to hide. But as Maya Angelou says, “When somebody shows you who they are, believe them.” Which is certainly true in the case of John. (*See diary of November 16.) So if I can’t hide behind pretending to be normal, I guess I’ll just have to accept being abnormal, or what Thane called the Magnificent Normal and what I think I’d rather call being SupraNormal. Not abiding by the norms of society but abiding by the norms of Universal Being. Go to M.S. See Ian but don’t talk with him. Check out with Haircut Ed. #43 home. Go to W.F. Check out with Jian. I say, “You have plans for New Year’s Eve?” He says, “No. What do you suggest?” I say, “Well, you could go out and get drunk.” He says, “Any recommendations for places to go for somebody in their 20s?” I say, “I don’t know. But I’m sure you”ll find something if that’s what you wand to do.” I had been fantasizing about asking out my Cafe Mystique friend who’s in his 20s, but that changed my mood pretty quickly.

December 28 dream:  Hard-on dream about being in charge of something ’til my shift was over.

December 28 dream:  In church up front with lady who also had two lesions on her face removed. We embrace.

December 28 dream:  Am staying over with cute guy, watching movie in his bed. It features a naked Tarzan being accosted by two bare-breasted women. Tarzan goes from being flaccid to being hard. Then another naked man in and out of brightly colored shorts dances into the room. Suddenly my friend gets up. I say, “Is it time to get up?” he says, “It’s 1:30.” And he rushes around picking up clothes from the floor.

December 28 dream:  Dream about Cynthia Dusel being on TV. I tell everyone, “I know her! I went to high school with her.”

December 27, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Take K to Peet’s in W.P. See Noah from Fog Lifter Café there. See “Perfect” again. Nedim, Ian and barista also there. Catch up on my reading. Spill my drink. Take that as sign I should leave. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Pass my resto friend outside his resto. Didn’t feel like I wanted to go inside. Walked to end of the block. Then turned around. My resto friend showed me to a table and waited on me. I had a Mediterranean Salad. It was very good. As I left, my friend gave me my bill. I gave him a $5 tip on an $18.34 bill and at the bottom of the bill I wrote: “You’re great!” Then I want to the restroom. When I came back, he was at my table. I asked him if “Namantha” was his name as it indicated on the bill. He said, “Yes.” I thanked him and touched his arm. He is a beautiful man. Walk up 19th Street and Market feeling pretty good about myself. Take #44 to F.H. The K line home.

December 27 dream:  Woman says, “We were a lot happier when George Bush got on the plane.” And, “We stopped at a small farm, which was never reported.”

December 26, 2022:  Sarah calls just as I’m about to leave house. Talk and walk to K train. Then Peet’s at W.P. See “Perfect.” Bruce there. Also Nedim and barista who talks about photography with me. I’m too excited to stick around very long. Take the K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Then try to find my resto friend. He’s not there. It’s about 4:15 p.m. and not many customers there either. Then walk up 19th Street to Market to M.S., thinking along the way. My insight: Realize reason I have such a hard time at Christmas goes back to Christmas 1966 when I had just returned to S.F. from a 33 day voyage across the Pacific from the Philippines, courtesy of the U.S. Navy. And my parents weren’t even home. They had gone to Texas to be with my step-sister. This confirmed my feeling of being unwanted. And so I went AWOL for 13 days, planning to move to Mexico to live out the rest of my life there. That lasted one day, but the point is that I had been willing to continue pretending we were a normal family, but my parents wouldn’t even do that. So I realized then that to depend on my father and step-mother for love or self-esteem was not a very good idea. But I realized today that blaming myself for being unwanted by these two parents is something I still do to this day and that that’s not a good idea either. It was my consciousness at the time and their consciousness at the time which inevitably created the disaster which was our family. (*Relates to 4th dream of December 25, finally opening the window to my very messy room in our Saratoga house.) See “Sir Allen” at M.S. and say hello. Go to S.B. See Christian and his two dogs on the way. Nice to see him again. He’s scheduled to get housing with his wife and new baby daughter in a week or so. Colby, the 3-year-old pit bull barked at me for some reason. Give Christian $20. Then go to S.B. Nice connections with all three baristos there. Older man who kind of looks like Tom Blair says something to be as he exits. Pass CVS. Not sure my cashier friend there or not. Get burrito. #43 to F.H. K home.

December 26 dream:  Tom O. is driving us home from the library where I bumped up against a few construction workers. Tom paused by bamboo fence high above the ocean below in something like a VW van. Someone asks, “Tom, what are you doing?”

December 26 dream:  Man falling in love with new person wants to show original person he still loves him, too.

December 25, 2022:  In ’til 2ish. Take #49 to Tommy’s Joynt. Find out it’s closed. Talk with John F. and later try to reach Joan at W.G. She’s at work but doesn’t answer phone. Decide to eat at Mel’s across the street. It wasn’t bad. Walk up Polk Sweet briefly. Very depressing. Take #49 to Market. Walk up Market to Castro. Pass 440 Club. See my resto friend in the same block. Look at their menu. I tell my friend, “It looks good, but I’ve just eaten.” He says, “That’s okay.” (*See 2nd dream of December 24.) Walk up 19th Street to Market. Buy Sunday Chron at CVS. Very cute young Asian cashier who I’d met before. He was wearing a mask so that only part of him I could see was his eyes, but that was enough. Take #43 to F.H. Then M to W.P. Everything closed in W.P. except Eezy-Freezy store. I have urge for a sugar cookie so I buy the closest thing I can find. Take K home. Eat cookies. Decide to go to friend’s resto tomorrow.

December 25 dream:  Strange things are appearing in our home. My friend and I try to ignore it. Then we turn around and all the furniture is gone.

December 25 dream:  Turn on light in bathroom. Rat scurries away.

December 25 dream:  Go to hipster place. They’re in about 4 inches of muddy water. I talk to one girl who I thought had gone to N.Y. I said I’d definitely be going there next week.

December 25 dream:  Looking out at courtyard of my current apartment on Brighton Avenue. Lots of dogs playing. Also Chinese women exercising.

December 24, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Try on my old black pants for tonight. They’re a little tight. Walk to G.P. Talk with Lee about traveling to China. He tells me you have to wear an oxygen mask on the hi-speed rail to Tibet. C.B. closed. Nice guy at G.P. library. Was going to walk thru G.C.P. but #35 to Castro arrives just as I pass the bus stop. So I take this as a sign that I should go to the Castro. Get off on 19th Street. Walk down Castro. Resto owner from place I used to go to years ago says to me, “How’s it going, boss?” As I pass 440 Club, old man outside asleep in chair. Lots of people in line for Castro Theatre. Good to see everybody. Walk up Market to #48 to W.P. See “John’s Way” on Corbett Avenue. No seats available at Starbucks W.P. Take K home. About 10 p.m. take #49 to Grace Cathedral. The place is packed. One woman walked to the front of the church and argued with the speaker, Dean Young, and later, as she was rushed out, called everybody sheep. Eucharist featured gluten-free wafers. Don’t find Evan. But do speak briefly with cute guy with very tight jeans. I ask him where the restrooms are.  He says he doesn’t know. Walk by John’s place on Geary. No lights. No plants. No John. Take L Owl to W.P. and #91 home. Just me and very talkative bus driver. We talked the whole way.

December 24 dream:  Out campaigning with Sarah and Jonathan and one more person. It begins raining. I forgot my umbrella. We all go into building.

December 24 dream:  Get 52 out of 60 points on quiz. Somebody tells me I did great! (*Relates to my conversation with waiter at outdoor resto on Castro on December 25? I say, “The menu looks great but I’ve just eaten.” He says, “That’s okay.”)

December 23, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Just Sarah and me. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Buy Chron from W.P. newsstand. Guy has a menorah lit up. I say, “Are you Jewish?” He says, “5%.” I pause for a moment and then say, “Which 5%?” He laughs. Go to Peet’s. Evan there. I tell him I’m planning to go to Christmas Eve Midnight Mass at Grace Cathedral. And that maybe I’d see him there. He seemed pleased. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Try to take photo of snowman on top of parklet. Big old guy stands in my way. Someone calls out to him, ‘John!” Up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. K home. As I enter W.F. pause to fix my red pants string. Electronic doors open and close on their own accord. In p.m. read about connection between narcissism and gaslighting. I had never thought of my father as a narcissist before. But it explains a lot and gave me a new insight into him. I could even empathize with him ’cause I have my own narcissistic tendencies.

December 23 dream:  Something about trying on something for size. (h.o.)

December 23 dream:  On trip to small village of Burke in Mexico. Two of my friends in the group already live there. Run into Bette Midler. She tells me she lives there, too.

December 23 dream:  Meet teen boy. We hold hands. He introduces me to his father who is drunk.

December 22, 2022:  Online work ’til 1:30 p.m. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Follow runner up and down Ocean Avenue. He leads me to polite, young, handsome skateboarder just before I get on K to W.P. Talk with young man holding record from the ’60s. I say, “It’s nice to see those again.” Barista who I don’t know too well gives me free drink at Peet’s. Nedim there, too. Feel kind of “shitty.” Guy with “Mindful State” T-shirt talking with two police at the front door of W.P. library. I decide to take K home. Run into Mindful guy again. We take same train and get off at same stop. I go to W.F. Since I get home earlier than usual, decide to clean bathtub after months and months. Yay!

December 22 dream:  Buy book with several $100 bills in it.

December 22 dream:  Danny Crespo in a new skin-tight, shark-skinned suit. He looks great in it. See somebody in high school who I thought was older. He’s embarrassed.

December 21, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nedim and barista there. Later Daniel comes in. We talk for about a half hour. Really great to see him again. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Up 19th Street to Market to M.S. Run into “Sir Allen” outside. He’s bringing in grocery carts from the parking lot. We talk briefly. Check out with Ian. He tells me he’s going to take electrician’s test to work as an apprentice electrician. #43 home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Sometimes those who care for others, whether parents or physicians, care more about authority over others than care for others. Conclusion: Truth’s love for Itself oozes out from every pore of Its existence.

December 21 dream:  Was at tire place. Derek said he got 100 new tires. Woman I liked started photocopying.

December 21 dream:  My new co-worker brings many bags of his own laundry to the laundromat. Also two bottles – O.J. and water?

December 20, 2022:  6.4 earthquake in Humboldt County about 2:30 a.m. I didn’t feel it. (*Relates to John reading my diary from December 18?) In ’til 12:30. Go to VA for ear cleaning. As I leave VA, cute young bleached blond guy. Go to La Promenade Café. Meet cute, friendly guy who tells me he works for Flixbus which recently bought out Greyhound. Walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Have nice connection with my Asian bakery friend. He wishes me a good holiday. Translate in my head about having, owning. Conclusion: Truth is Self-possessed. Stop by Beanery Café and talk with Fred Cline who’s 93 now. I kissed him good-bye on his cheek. Hot guy on #43 home. He gets off at Valdez. I impact with him as he exits bus. Go to W.F. hoping to see Cole. He’s not there. Insight: Taking on the role of my mother includes her beauty, her prissiness, and the probability that she was raped in foster care as a child.

December 20 dream:  I was drinking some clear liquid that made me honest. But afterwards, everybody was leaving.

December 19, 2022:  Sarah calls in a.m. Really nice talk. In ’til 3:30ish. Stop by Ingleside library. Woman librarian who I found very rude in the past was there, but I could hardly recognize her. She was not offensive to me at all. K to W.P. Nedim and Evan at Peet’s. Evan was telling me he’s already taken out a Roth/IRA. Later we talk again and I mention Grace Cathedral. He says he’s going to the Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve there. Later I decide that I’m going there as well. K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. It’s about 40 degrees outside. Nice looking guy wearing only a T-shirt on. I say, “Did you forget your coat?” He smiles and says something that I don’t quite hear. Walk up 19th Street to Market. #44 to F.H. K home. Insight: Realize that, after my mother’s death, I took on her role ’cause that’s what I thought my father wanted. So when I found out that he was going to remarry, I felt enormously relieved. But I don’t think I ever really relinquished that role. Stop at W.F. Check out with Cole. We are talking about the documentary “The Social Dilemma.” I told him that I met a young man recently. He interrupts, “Really?” I thought, “That’s not the story,” but I didn’t say anything. I continued, “He told me that he worked for Google and I asked him if he had seen the documentary. He said he’d never heard of it.” Still confused as to why he responded the way he did. Was he being rude? Funny? Flirtatious?

December 19 dream:  Dog finds gopher in gopher hole. Then tries to intimidate me. I stand my ground. Then the dog turns into a spoiled little girl.

December 18, 2022:  Lots of World Cup noise in a.m. Work online. Then take nap. See Joan at W.G. on Ocean. Take K to W.P. Evan, Sergio and barista at Peet’s. Evan buys me free drink. Talk with Sergio. Ask him if he has plans for Xmas Eve. He says he’s going to visit his family in L.A. He says, “How about you?” I say, “My cousin is giving a big dinner party on Xmas Eve. I was going to invite you to join me.” We talk for quite a while. (*Relates to hearing coyotes from hier?) K to Castro. Take photo of 440 Club lights from just outside. See my waiter friend outside resto further down Castro. Walk up 19th Street to Market to M.S. Pass beautiful long-haired man in frozen food section. Talk with Ian as I check out. Then go back and try to find long-haired man. He’s still in the frozen food section. He looks up at me and smiles beautifully. Score! Pass burrito place. See young man go to car. Later middle-aged man gets out of car and orders two “baby burritos.” #43 to F.H. K home.

December 18 dream:  All the food and people for conference arrive at end. Since all the desserts pile on top of each other, a new pie was begun immediately.

December 17, 2022:  3.6 earthquake at 3:40 a.m. (*Relates to John reading my diary from December 15?) Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Talk with Lee about World Cup finals tomorrow. He says he thinks France will win. Go to C.B. As I leave, start talking with young man who is reading a book about or by Michael Harrington. He tells me Mr. Harrington founded the DSA. Young man thinks DSA are sell-outs to the Democratic Party. I tell him that I think the only way to change is within the Democratic Party rather than through a third party. His girlfriend joins us but doesn’t say anything. Walk thru G.C.P. Think about my so-called arthritic hips. I say to myself, “Well, I am Mind and somewhere, somehow Mind knows what I need to do.” Later come to the conclusion that my pelvic pain comes from my father still trying to control me, as became evident to me last night with the intense constriction in my head and chest from the mere thought of being with somebody else. My father died in 1996. My pelvic pains began in 1997 or so. Reminds me of time I first flew into Paris in 2004 and I asked myself, “Are we really going to be allowed to do this?” Came back from that trip with in situ melanoma on my left ear. My father was still in control. I returned to Paris three more times (2005, 2010 and 2015) in an effort to shake him. And, apparently, I still need to do more. As I walk thru G.C.P. hear (but do not see) coyotes. Go to M.S. Then #43 home. Connect briefly with three separate young men on board.

December 17 dream:  Place where they call out all the different possible diseases.

December 16, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 10 a.m. Just Heather and me. Sarah at doctor’s appointment. In ’til 11:30. #29 and #38 to VA for derm appointment. Jock from St. Ignatius High comes onboard #29 with two of his friends. He sits across the aisle me. I glance over a few times. We all get off at same stop. I make a point of turning around and looking at him again. He smiles. He looks like a male version of Cathy Warfield, my first ever kiss. After VA, go thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Stop by my Asian friend’s bakery to get two custard tarts. #43 home. It breaks down on Miraloma Street. We all get on second #43. Just before we get home, three guys from Reardon High get on. I connect with one of them. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. He tells me his “evil eye” protects him from rowdy customers.

December 16 dream: Walking along river, tiger and dog start fighting. They are still down there. “The tiger’s in the paddock,” according to one crew member of the boat we are on. My friend/brother goes towards them. I run after him trying to warn him.

December 16 dream:  Four of us in back of truck. Woman speaks French. So does guy. I find out we’re all students. I’m the funny one, but not sure I mean to be. Guy says he’s starting over from the beginning in French.

December 16 dream:  I have a good-looking, hot, gum-chewing guardian angel. We embrace. He says, “Do you want to have sex?” I say, “Yes.” He says, “Okay, but I’m not gay.”

December 15, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Pick up glasses. Nedim and Ian at Peet’s. Ian’s band is “I’m Not” available online at bandcamp. After, go to W.P. library. Feel “shitty.” See librarian I talked to on December 1. So I asked him, “What can we learn from birds?” He says, “They have all kinds of interesting songs. So they can teach us how to listen.” Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 19th Street and Market to M.S. See handsome stranger at M.S. I get in line behind him. Leave my basket to rush to pick up something I had forgotten, frozen blueberry blintzes. He smiles at cashier. That was enough for me. See Ian on way out. Then young man looking at cookie section. I say, “Anything good?” He says, “”i’ll find something.” #43 home. As I almost fall, woman in back seat reaches out to help me. Walk thru W.F. to go home thru front door. Insight: Realize I do want to go to cousin Leigh’s Christmas Eve party, but I just don’t want to go alone. Earlier had tremendous feeling of constriction in my chest and head. It seems just the thought of me being with someone I like (and someone other than my father) at a more or less family event was enough to enrage the father within me. Once I realized where the constriction came from, I doubled down on my decision to be with someone else. Someone other than my father.

December 15 dream:  Finding the source for ….

December 15 dream:  People walking in who have murdered.

December 15 dream:  About to give a talk without much preparation. Guy comes into my room/office looking for thermal wear. He’s kind of rude.

December 14, 2022:  In ’til 1:30ish. Take #29 and #38 to VA. On #29 I sense beautiful man with my peripheral vision. I turn around and look at him before he exits with his girlfriend one stop down the line. Go to eye clinic at VA. Really nice doctors. Walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Check out my Asian bakery friend. Get “Perfection” after. #43 home. Look in at Pakwan resto. My friend not there, but other really gorgeous guy is. Stop by W.F. Check out in line behind Asian guy with really nice ass. He doesn’t appreciate my attention. I can’t help it if he has a great ass. Check out with Diana. In my head Translate “My body can be fractured, grow old and die and become hardened and arthritic. Conclusion: Mind is whole, supple and eternal OR Truth submits to Itself.

December 14 dream:  Walt Whitman getting ready to die. “You are the Us approved,” he wrote.

December 14 dream:  Move to new apartment on top of hill in S.F.

December 13, 2022:  In ’til 1ish. Take #29 and #38 to VA. Cute Asian guy as I wait for #29. He crosses the street. Then crosses another one. And a third one. I follow him. Then #29 arrives and I run to catch it. In #29 young guy comes on. I get butterflies in my stomach. When person sitting across from him leaves, I take their seat. I take the opportunity to get a better look at this guy. He’s jaw-droppingly beautiful and he’s aware that I’m seeing his beauty. On to the VA. Podiatrist tells me I have arthritic hips. Get X-rays. Go to La Promenade Café ’til they close at 5 p.m. Take #31. As I exit, woman checks me out. I don’t respond ’cause I’m checking out another guy at the time. Then take #43 home. Sit in back seat near cute Asian guy who closes his window as he leaves. I think ’cause he saw me close my window earlier. Stop at Pakwan resto. Have nice exchange with my friend there. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: I have arthritic hips. Conclusion: Truth is one thing, containing all, indivisible and ready-made. Word-tracking: -itis means excessive interest. (*Relates to hard-on dream from hier?)

December 13 dream:  Go to party. I stand up and wave to my friends in the opposite corner. For some reason, they are required to stay in their corner until told otherwise. Later we try to figure out way for me to photograph them.

December 13 dream:  Starting new job. My female boss already hates me. Paper due in hours.

December 12, 2022:  Feel sad about Jacob Needleman death. I met him once at the old Fields Book Store on Polk Street. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Jasmine, Nedim at Peet’s. Get very excited about book I’m reading:  Pain, Sex and Time by Gerald Heard. K to Castro. Feel bouncy happy as I pass 440 Club. Walk up 19th Street to Market to M.S. See “Sir Allen” briefly. Check out with Ian. #43 home. Insight: Realize my pain is really here to teach me something. So I’m willing and anxious to find out what.

December 12 dream:  Hard-on dream.

December 12 dream:  Man pays off all woman’s debts and throws himself and her into a river. Woman waves a picture of herself naked to entice him back.

December 12 dream:  Move to some county in Ireland.

December 11, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. See Vincent Leung at Peet’s. Last time I saw him was in December ’21. We talked a bit. He said he’d be here about a week. He’s on Xmas vacation from his Harvard Ph.D. program in Italian and French literature. Also have nice chat with Ian. He tells me about band he’s involved with. I find them online. Take K to Castro. Go into 440 Club. Take photo of the lights inside. Walk out. Bump into guy. He says, “”Scuse me, love.” Walk up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. I see eyeball pinned to his chest. He says it’s the “evil eye.”

December 11 dream:  Fight with lawyer. Then president of company. They’re giving my brother a chance to do something at 9:30.

December 11 dream:  Staying overnite for two nites at home where guests are nicer than the hosts. We’re supposed to be watching some documents, but everyone wants to watch This Old Home and other BBC shows.

December 11 dream:  S.F. becoming part of Alameda County.

December 10, 2022:  In ’til 2:30ish. Haircut with Jun at 3 p.m. We joke about hot girls I met hier on Muni. As I leave, I feel giddy but also bad. Try to figure out what’s going on. Realize it may relate to my relationship with my father. That I’m willing to give up my identity in order to be included in play. In the case of Jun, I was willing to pretend that I was really interested in these two girls. In the case of my father, whenever we were getting along it was because I was being harmless, cute, or the butt of the joke. Later I think, “Maybe I should stop going to Jun for my haircuts.” Then I hear myself say, “I can’t do that.” That’s when I decided that’s what I would do. Walk to G.P. Buy paper from Lee who tells me about his leg injury playing soccer. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Take #44 to F.H. Then K home. Go to W.F. I tell bakery friend, “Thanks for the blueberries.” He kind of ignores me. Check out with Harrold. Pause briefly as I exit W.F. Hot woman thinks I am pausing for her.

December 10 dream:  HQ said they sent a 500 word response to the situation. I’m looking for it now.

December 10 dream:  I write book in which I say, “Everything is a Russian Winter.”

December 10 dream:  I’m looking for a business. Finally find somebody who could help me, but he wants to take me to a lecture first. He says, “Let’s sit up front and I’ll grab your mid-section.”

December 9, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Just Sarah and me. Heather was giving an online Translation class. Sarah sounds very sick. Lots of coughing. She said her doctor was giving her steroids. In ’til 3ish. Talk with Joan at W.G. Take K to W.P. Valentine at Peet’s. Evan lookalike comes in. But it’s not him. Take K to Castro. See Michael Petrelis, wearing a coat of many colors, eating at window table at Cove resto. Go in and talk with him briefly. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Market to M.S. Check out with Sir Allen. He’s polite but not really friendly. Look in Creighton’s next door and get the attention of nice-looking young Asian man exiting. Then Prime truck driver smiles at me as I cross Laguna Honda Boulevard. Take #43 to Forest Hill. See Jonathan Flynn lookalike. It wasn’t him. Take K home. See “Optometrist” sign in Lakeside neighborhood. Maybe this is a helpful hint? Two scantily-clad girls get on as I’m about to leave. I smile with one of them. Stop at W.F. Cole there. Also two other cashiers I love. Bakery guy commiserated with me that they’re out of blueberry scones. Insight: Maybe what I’m afraid of is not my father, but my own anger. So I didn’t just dissociate once or twice. I have spent most of my young life (and beyond) in a dissociated state. Later I get mad and sad at God.

December 9 dream:  Talk to seductive wife of very rich man. She’s leaning up against the wall taking a long time to respond. I think I’m asking her where the next dinner is going to be. Someone else says, “September 8, in three weeks.” I ask if I can bring anything. The other woman says, “You’re just asking ’cause you’re organizing the dinner.” I say, “Well, yeah.” This all takes place in a big house with 360 degree views of green hills with “Frisco” among other word structures on them.

December 9 dream:  Someone stabbed Jordan Chariton’s girlfriend at picnic-type event on Market Street.

December 9 dream:  Eat ice cream bar from boy who had already slobbered on it.

December 9 dream:  Walk on new (to me) path in Bernal Heights. It was a dry river bed. Fat skunk and coyote not too afraid of me. Arrive at water’s edge. Guy walking in the water had wet pants.

December 8, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Take K to W.P. Cute young man on K. I stay on an extra stop to see where he’d go. He gets off at W.P. Station. I go to Ezzy-Freezy. Take photo of Will Ferrell as elf cut-out. Cashier smiles at me. Go to Peet’s. Ian (a different Ian than my M.S. friend) is very friendly. Nedim not so much. Feel sort of “shitty.” Decide to take K home. Significant eye contact with attractive guy in camo pants and legs spread apart. I stand near him. Then sit across from him. I wanted to speak with him but I don’t think he wanted to speak with me. After he gets off train, loud woman comes on board and asks me about my “Abolish the Electoral College” T-shirt and my new VA shoes. Go to W.F. Check out with Du. I ask him, “Are you ready for Christmas?” He says, “Yes.” I say, “Have you been naughty or nice?” He says, “Nice. Very nice.”

December 8 dream:  Stay with my brother Tom. We’re both trying to take a shit at the same time in a 2-seat bathroom.

December 7, 2022:  In ’til 2:30ish. See Tom Blair at Muni stop. He tells me he’s never met a black athlete or a black minister who he can trust. Take #29 to Stonestown. Annoying young hetero couple on board. Go to Target. No flip-flops there. Go to Stonestown mall. Gang of kids running out of front entrance followed by security police. Go to Sports Basement. Voila! Flip-flops for $14. Give double-take to beautiful black or biracial sales person. She kind of curtsies as I leave. Then M to downtown Target to buy bath towel. Run into Scott Wiener on train. I tell him, “I like your freeway idea.” He wants to tear down what remains of the Central Freeway. I tell him, “We should tear down as many freeways as we can.” Walk back up Market to Castro. IKEA store still unopened. Lots of police cars midway to Castro. Go to Peet’s on upper Market Street. Self-observation: I become aware of a feeling that I should be behaving in a more acceptable way. Reminds me of my childhood. Take K home. Stop at W.F. Check out with Jeff.

December 7 dream:  Sign on resto wall: “Counting should continue tomorrow” (referring to some foreign country).

December 7 dream:  Coming home to Apt. 832. Things look different. There were lots of people outside. Some looking pretty rough. They said they were looking for Jacob ’cause he inherited a lot of money. I said, “Well, you should go to Berkeley. That’s where he goes to school.”

December 7 dream:  Does someone want to help me point out the biggest loser in the room? He asks the others who say no. Then I hold up 8 fingers, referring to Henry VIII. Guy points to the organizer/originator of the event. I thought it would be somebody else.

December 6, 2022:  In ’til noonish. Take #29. Cute Latino guy across from me is talking about the World Cup. I ask him if the U.S. is still in play. He says, “No, they got beat by The Netherlands.” Then #38 to VA. Pick up new shoes. Walk to La Promenade Cafe on Balboa Street. Then walk down 36th Avenue. See “Yes” in the cement, twice. Walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Look up my Asian bakery friend. As I get up to the counter, he is called away, so I leave. Check out Pacific Rim Optometrists on Irving Street. What a dump! Then look for flip-flops at On The Run Shoes. Only $75 for flip-flops! Steve Hines calls with an update on Alex Gambeau. Both Ales and Steve are okay. #43 home. As we exit bus, I run into Peter who updates me on the UC strike. Also, he begins a new job in South City in January.

December 6 dream:  Toddler on train, “Mommy! Fire alarm!”

December 6 dream:  Sitting on top of wobbly crates. My friend says he’s going to keep tabs on all the reporters. I think he does astrology charts.

December 6 dream:  Walking up slight hill I’ve walked many times. About half way from home. I think I just got married.

December 6 dream:  I have on light shirt. Want to put on light pants as well. Woman in front seat of car says, “I like the pants that show…” I say, “that show up for work?”

December 5, 2022:  Steve Hines calls in a.m. Go to Ingleside library. Librarian asks me, “Did the DVD come with one disk or two.” I say, “One.” He says, “Okay.” In ’til 2:15 or so. Walk to G.P. Go to massage with Tate in G.P. This massage wasn’t as good as the last one I got from him, but good to see him again. Later, realize I left my face mask there. Walk around the block following cute young guy. Go to G.P. library. Then C.B. Then walk to Safeway. Check out with Gabe. Have nice talk with him. He’ a poli sci student at SFSU. May go into law like both his parents. #43 home. Write BB post “My own Mauna Loa eruption” about my experience with the SFPL and realizing my anger may have really been towards my father.

December 5 dream:  Online trying to split the cost equally of a money purse for the crown(?)

December 5 dream:  At college with my friends.

December 5 dream:  Looking for apartment in N.Y. Two big trnas women come out of one building. Landlord offers me something to eat. Seems upset when I refuse.

December 5 dream:  Laurie and I clean up the kitchen and dining room area. Then notice pancakes stuck on the stove. “That’s disgusting,” says Ted Cruz. As eh puts one in his back pocket.

December 4, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. See Joan at W.G. on Ocean. Re-invite her to Xmas dinner at Tommy’s Joint. K to W.P. Feeling good. People are nice to me. Go to Peet’s. See new guy in corner. Turns out it’s Sergio. He has returned from the Chestnut Street Peet’s. We talk briefly, mostly about Daniel. Evan also there. We talk briefly as well. Jasmine smiles ta me on my way out. Bruce at table by himself. He doesn’t talk with me. It’s raining as I leave. So take K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. He tells me it’s his one year anniversary. In p.m., get angry ’cause San Francisco library says I didn’t return DVD of Stranger Things, which I did.  It was supposed to be a 2-disk set but when I opened it there was only one disk inside and only one place to put a disk. So I got furious for being falsely accused and without apparent recourse. Later realize my anger may relate to being falsely accused of other things in my life, mostly in my childhood. And it was easier to get mad at the public library rather than at my father.

December 4 dream:  Trying to get out of fenced-in area. Then I’m outside walking with a Swedish couple. The girl thinks I’m attracted to her.

December 3, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See Lee at liquor store. Check out optometrist there. She kind of leaves me to cool my heels. Go to C.B. Wait in long line for very cute, sweet son of owners, who is working all alone. As I leave, I ask for the restroom key. He says, “It’s for customers only.” I say, “I am a customer.” He’s very beautiful and has a lovely smile so I’m not offended. Go to library. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. I mistake Josh (who I’d never met) for Ian, who’s not around. See Allen briefly as he’s walking the other way. I sense presence behind me as I check out. #48 to W.P. Take M to Balboa. Street person gets on and starts talking to me so I talk back, though I don’t know what he’s talking about. #8 home. Insight: Realize maybe reason I have pelvic pain is to learn how to control it. And that I am in control of it. Or at least could be. It’s my body after all. And I can’t give my body away unless I first own it.

December 3 dream:  I am chairing a meeting. Woman says she has a lot of bio appointments and wants to end the meeting. I’m ready to end meeting. Other woman gets up on table and starts talking.

December 2, 2022:  Tough nite last nite. Anonymous call in early a.m. Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Heather and Sarah and I. In ’til 2:15 or so. K to optometrist in W.P. Go to alternative place to check them out before. Think I may switch providers. Afterwards, I feel bad. Run into my Hemingway friend on W.P. Avenue. Then cute girl smiles at me. Then another. Go to Peet’s. It’s full. Go to W.P. library. My friend from hier isn’t there. Take K to Castro. Talk with guy waiting for #35. He was reading a book by Mike Davis, author of City of Quartz, a review of which I had posted on OccupySF.net just the other day. So that felt synchronistic. Eventually he gave up on waiting for the #35 and took #24 instead. I walk back to Castro Station and take Muni to W.P. Go to Peet’s again. Feeling in pain. Take K home. Go to W.F. Talk with my refrigerated food and my baker friends there. Then talk with Cole briefly.

December 2 dream:  Guy protecting his family needs to go up four emails from hier.

December 1, 2022:  Bills and monthly BB. Get anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Bruce and Nedim at Peet’s. Listen to Obama’s speech for Senator Warnock. Bruce tells me he just got over Covid. He said there’s basically a 20% chance every one in S.F. has either Covid, RSV, or some other flu-like disease. Thanks for the suggestions, Bruce. Go to W.P. library. Have nice talk with young librarian reading a book on birds. I mention that they evolved from dinosaurs. He says they can teach us a lot. Next time I see him I’ll be sure to ask him to elaborate. Hope I get the chance. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Then walk up Market to CVS on Portola Drive. Cute manager at CVS covered his cute mouth as he was talking. Take #43 to Forest Hill. Take K home. Pick up new flip-flops at Johnnie’s shoe repair on Ocean. W.F. Get help from nice long-haired young man. Then check out with Du who’s all wrapped up in puffy coat.

December 1 dream:  Helping someone prepare sweet cookies. They keep disappearing.

December 1 dream:  Creamed corn.

December 1 dream:  Chihuahua.

December 1 dream:  Admit to myself that I have a Messiah complex whereby I take on the sins of my family and perhaps of the world. Am in nice garden-like area of someone’s house. See bald, tough-looking man burying a trumpet.

November 30, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nedim and one other barista at Peet’s. Nedim told me Daniel had been in earlier. Very alluring woman sits across from me as I’m leaving. She’s doing all sorts of seductive movements. I look at her and think, “You’re not so hot. You’ve got fat legs.” But I had a catch in my throat as I was thinking this. K to Castro. Walk by 440 Castro. Up 18th Street to Market to M.S. Check out with Ian. He tells me about what he likes at Pharaoh’s, the Egyptian resto on Geary across the street from where I used to live. #48 and K home. See same guy from hier on the K just as I’m about to enter my apartment. Break my flip-flop in p.m. Then clean out shoe closet and throw out all the old moldy shoes I had kept there for some reason. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: “I came from God, so I must be exceptional.” Conclusion: “I, being, am universal, original, inseparable and unexceptional perception.”

November 30 dream:  Wealthy young friends try on nice, fashionable clothes. They ask em what I think. I say, “I like some of it.”

November 29, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nedim plus one other barista at Peet’s. Take K to Castro. Started Translating “Something doesn’t sit well,” which led me to RHS of my father. Pass 440 Club. Up 19th Street to Market. Continue to RHS my father. Finally include myself. Realize it takes two to tango. That it really doesn’t even matter if my father sexually abused me ’cause he definitely unmanned me. Or at least I allowed myself to be unmanned. Really felt the grief of that recollection. I guess it’s better me giving in to a bully (my father) then me arrogantly and callously disregarding my mother’s murder in favor of my own childish ideas of fame and glory. Catch #48 to W.P. Then K home. Same guy on K on way home as on the K into W.P. Stop by W.F.

November 29 dream:  I’m leaving home. Leaving my father. Learned how to check out so it registers immediately and I don’t have to wait a few days.

November 29 dream:  Biden is campaigning for President. I visit friend’s house. He is anti-Biden. I’m not much of a fan myself. I clean off dirty tape dispense. It has something like peanut butter on it.

November 29 dream:  Doing some sacred ritual. Trying to reach some place. Woman leading me didn’t say much. Later man said she gave me a bad report. It takes a lot of effort and seems to go on forever.

November 28 2022:  Anonymous call. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nedim at Peet’s with only one other barista. I exit Peet’s. Old man on sidewalk says, “You look like you know where you’re going.” Then run into Joel Engardio, newly elected gay supervisor. I say, “Joel! Congratulations! I’ve been reading about you.” Go to W.P. library. Take K to Castro. Go into 440 Club. Old guy gets excited seeing me. Buy cranberry juice. Take one sip and leave. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #48. Talk with guy about White Trash book he’s reading. I tell him I’ll check it out online. He says he likes my TYT T-shirt. Go to W.P. Walk to W.P. station. See Nedim alone at Peet’s. Take K home. Cute young Asian guy with shoes that look like slippers. Cute, interesting, possibly dangerous guy standing in doorway as I enter my apartment from the back entrance.

November 28 dream:  Me shaving myself. Then shaving some other guy who looks sort of like Tom O. He says, “Don’t get any hair on my white shirt.”

November 28 dream:  Gay people getting together. Me going on big trip. (h.o.)

November 27, 2022:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. See Joan at W.G. K to W.P. Young man holds up train to make sure I get on. Evan, Stephanie and new (to me) Aquarian barista at Peet’s. Nice talk with all three as I leave. Stephanie looks very different to me. She tells me Daniel was in hier asking if I had been in. Take K to Castro. See waiter friend from November 25 talking outside with fellow waiter. I don’t stop. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #44 to Forest Hill. Read in Healing Words that some people are cured of cancer by “doing nothing.” By not fighting it as we tend to do in Western culture. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Cash register breaks. He has on T-shirt saying, “I’m not dead yet.” I say, ‘That’s good to know.”

November 27 dream:  Eating the greatest sandwich in the world. Some people around me were panicking, but I wasn’t going anywhere. (h.o.)

November 27 dream:  My raft is ready to go out in the ocean. Somebody says, “Did you forget oil?” I say I did. So they rush someone over with oil. Lots of high school kids around.

November 27 dream:  Architect decides to continue building. I brew coffee. Have to start fresh pot for about three people.

November 27 dream:  Go to Las Vegas with Sarah. They are having a convention of mobsters and Prosperos. I part with Heather. Later I see two big fat women look at me mockingly. And then see Sarah with them. I think, “Well, I guess I lost Sarah.”

November 26, 2022:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Start talking with guy waiting for #44 So I take it with him. His name is Amar. He works for Google. We talk ’til I get off at Forest Hill. Take #44 back to G.P. Meet sweet young man with pizza slices in box. I ask where he got the pizza. He said, “Slices” on Haight. I say, “That’s a long way to go for a pizza.” He says, “We were hanging out in the Haight.” Then he starts talking with his girlfriend (who I hadn’t noticed before). But he did smile at me on his way out. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. As I exit, attractive young man rushes by. I immediately follow him, pausing briefly only long enough to cruise new M.S. worker I’d never seen before. I follow attractive young man to bus stop on Laguna Honda Boulevard. He continues walking. I decide to wait on the other side of the road to catch the #43 going to Forest Hill. As bus approaches, man in car yells through his open window, “You want a ride? Where are you going?” I say, “Forest Hill.” He says, “I can drive you to Forest Hill.” I say, “Thanks, but the bus is right here.” Upon reflection, it seems like the Universe was giving me an opportunity to politely, calmly and easily say “No” to abusive sex, like I didn’t do with my father so many decades ago. (*Relates to “Something big is coming” dream of November 7?) Take #43 to Forest Hill and K home. Stop at W.F. Nice chats with refrigerated food lady I see all the time and bakery guy who sells me a pumpkin pie. Check out with Jeff.

November 26 dream:  I get angry at somebody who is trying to cheat. I say, “It’s the law. Why else are you here?” She’s working for a law firm. Later we are all at a picnic and somebody serves me a piece of meat with cooked worms on it. I eat the meat but not the worms.

November 26 dream:  Neighborhood getting a new paint job but it’s not finished yet. (*Relates to some of my recent breakthroughs, I think.)

November 25, 2022:  At Ukraine Emergency Translation Group, only Heather and I attend. I try to explain my sense testimony to Heather. My sense testimony is: “I punish myself because I expect to be famous.” What I was trying to explain to Heather is that as a child I remember coming from God and I interpreted that as meaning that I would someday be somebody very important. And it has been my lifetime goal to try to suppress this feeling. Heather kind of dismisses me, sort of like my father probably would have if I had shared this with him. (*This very much relates to my atomic bomb dream of October 18, I think.) In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.G. Admire guy’s physique who smiles in return. Talk with Joan at W.G. She says she had Thanksgiving with her friend from her other job. I invite her to Xmas day at Tommy’s Joint. Go into Java Hut to check out cute guy. Then K to W.P. Nedim and Evan at Peet’s. I talk with them both. Start reading Healing Words. K to Castro. Feel bouncy happy on exiting Castro Station. Think it relates to John, but find out it relates to outdoor waiter who I stop in my tracks for. He says, “Hi.” I say, “Hi.” He was really just a beautiful man, both inside and out. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. K home. Go to W..F. Nice to see they’re back to regular hours. Then peek into Pakwan’s resto to see if my friend is there. He is.

November 25 dream:  Throwing frisbee-type disk in pinnacled canyon. Guy with me says, “Don’t stand too close to the pinnacle. It might fall.”

November 24, 2022:  #49 to Tommy’s Joint. Guy getting on at Richland Avenue checks me out. Later beautiful guy and his girlfriend get on bus. I make a point of seeing him before I get off. Turns out we both get off at same stop. He was hanging onto his girlfriend, but still looking back at me as I mentally caressed him. Have Thanksgiving dinner with John F. and his friend Rick. My friend Joan from W.G. didn’t show up. Walk home via Polk Street. Give thumbs up to owner of new sports bar which took over the old Quetzal Café. Walk down Van Ness and up Market Street to the Castro. Then up 19th Street to Market to #44 to Forest Hill to W.P. Check out Art Attack place near Castro. It looks totally empty. Get anonymous call on Market. Go to S.B. in W.P. Then K home. Go to Chinese take-out place. Memory: My father spanking us (my brother Tom and I) for talking when we were supposed to be sleeping. And he apologizes and blames our mother for having to spank us.

November 24 dream:  Talking to … J.B. about why he and other guy are so upset with each other.

November 24 dream:  Making French toast as my contribution to the banquet.

November 23, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Go to W.G. Ocean Avenue. Jokingly (or not) invite Joan to join us tomorrow at Tommy’s Joint. She said she was interested. K to W.P. Nedim at Peet’s. I ask him, “Did Daniel make the cut?” He says, “I’m not at liberty to say.” K to Castro. Walk past 440 Club. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. K to W.F. Check out with Jien. Compliment him on his smiley face on his name tag. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: I punish myself because I expect to be famous. Conclusion: Truth is flawless/innocent in thought and deed. Insight: Pelvic pain is a distraction from my arrogance?

November 23 dream:  At basketball game. Then on top tier of football stadium, watching the game. Decide I want to leave early. My black friend follows me down. Then woman offers me tea. She said to my black friend, “Can I help you?” My black friend said, “Not that much help.”

November 23 dream:  I am elected president of the residence floor. My room is not looking all that bad. No cockroaches. I look at all the hallways. Each seems to be a different color. Run into guy who’s being “arrested” by the hall monitor. I grab him playfully.

November 22, 2022:  Find photo of my Saratoga Elementary School band (some 54 members) in my own pictures file. I look exceptionally happy. Later put it on Facebook and many ‘liked’ it, including Zai Gham, one of my Occupy friends. Walk to G.P. Pass glass Muni shelter on Ocean which had been attacked by brick. Guy standing there said he didn’t do it. Brick was still on the ground. I said, “There’s your evidence.” At G.P., lock eyes briefly with guy on Chenery. Go to C.B. Then library. Then #35 appears out of nowhere. I take it as a sign to go to the Castro. I get off at 19th Street. Go to W.G. Then go to 440 Club. Look around and exit. Feel kind of bouncy as I leave. Walk up Market to M.S. Very crowded. Lots of pushy people. Take #43 home. Nice Asian guy (who smelled like he’d been drinking) cleared a place for me to sit next to him. He had on a camouflage mask. Later on, he was on phone telling somebody that he’d meet with him later. Cute young teen with short black pants sitting across from me. Later in trip he and older gay guy next to him talk and joke about something. I wondered what their relationship is. Did they just meet or did they know each other? When I leave, I want to thank Asian guy again for making a seat for me, but most of my attention was focused on the teen with short pants. As I exit bus, though, I look back excitedly at Asian guy. Later think he may be a tulpa.

November 22 dream:  Underground panic. People are running for their lives. I try to protect some. Lion approaches. I’m told the first time this happened, he moved on as he dos this time.

November 22 dream:  My boss wants me to send some pamphlets to a publisher. He says, “Tell me. Please put your answer in the form of a book.”

November 21, 2022:  Get up early for me. Later take nap. In ’til 3:45ish. Elevator down from 3rd floor stops at 2nd and decides it wants to go up. I get off. Guy on 2 says, “It’ll be okay.” I tell elevator to go to 1. It does. Guy in car at Jules Muni stop fixing his hair. We lock eyes. K to W.P. Jasmine at Peet’s tells me she’s studying film at SF State. I say, “Just like Kai.” Nedim there, too. Later, Daniel comes in and sits down with me and tells me what’s been going on in his life. He may get fired since he missed a few shifts. Feel somewhat “shitty.” Take K to Castor just to check in briefly after Colorado Spring shooting. Then take K home still kind of reeling from my talk with Daniel, who showed me some of his art. Shits on getting home.

November 21 dream:  Drawing numbers to see how we’ll advance.

November 21 dream:  New Orleans is in our … Someone playing “Just a Closer Walk with Thee.” Someone playing a saxophone, and trying to hide it from the police. A black policeman gives chase.

November 20, 2022:  In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Kai, Evan, Jasmine, Bruce at Peet’s. Nice talk with Evan. Take K to Castro. Think maybe the word I want is not shank, but flank. So I go to look that up online and my phone’s not there. Take K back to Peet’s. I think I may have left my phone in the restroom. And it was right there on the sink where I left it. Kai and Evan helped me recover it. Take K home. Go to W.P. Check out with Du. Work on book in p.m. Want to cancel my massage appointment tomorrow but can’t figure out how. Later I do figure it out. I like my masseur but I still feel sore from the last time he worked on me. Later I add “side effect” as possible term to Translate.

November 20 dream:  Trying to get all the incoming and outgoing lines attached.

November 20 dream:  Swimming in clear pool. Someone puts structure in the way with olives or turkey balls in it. They are supposed to be good for you.

November 19, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Safeway on Monterey Boulevard. Then G.P. See Lee as I arrive at Diamond and Bosworth Streets. He tells me he’s out on a walk. I head towards C.B. After C.B. Go to library. Then walk thru G.C.P. See Reckoning book on way. Go to M.S. When I check out, I notice “Sir Allen” bagging at another station. So I rush over to buy something from his line. But he leaves before I’m rung up. On #43 home, start Translating my side pain. Come up with the word “shank.” I look it up online. Realize it also refers to being “shanked.” I used to think that maybe John was shanking me, but today for the first time, I entertained the possibility (probability?) that it has been my father who’s been shanking me, either from the “beyond” or from within my own psyche. Later in p.m. email attorney John Burris with my Electoral College idea.

November 19 dream:  A group of us were trying to pass as part of the group. Tom C. came in and covered for us. I’m eating cottage cheese and avocados at the time.

November 19 dream:  Trying to shave at relative’s house. Don’t feel very welcome. Outside parade brought by Japanese person speaks over lunch. Speaks half in English, half in Japanese.

November 19 dream:  Having trouble paying my $2 library fine. Finally pay it with my new library credit card.

November 18, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. with Heather and Sarah and me. Take K to Church Street for 2 p.m. dental appointment. As I leave, catch the eye of cute skateboarder who is heading in the opposite direction. He looks back at me a couple of times. So I follow him. He leads me almost directly to 95 Laguna Street. Just hier I mailed in my renewed interest in being on their waitlist. So I think it’s a sign that this is where I will be moving next. Walk back to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 19th Street. Turn right on Eureka hoping to find Chronicle. As I’m thinking about 95 Laguna Street, cute guy on Eureka smiles me. Then walk up 18th Sweet to Market to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” We talk briefly about his new name tag which doesn’t include the “Sir.” Then go to S.B. Portola Drive. Older gay guy likes my “Abolish the Electoral College” T-shirt. Baristo there smiles at me, I think. #43 home. Run into Peter for first time since May 10. He tells me about U.C. strike he’s been on. Hear “May 1” in pm. Send email to John Koza about the Electoral College with my idea that the E.C. could be considered unconstitutional ’cause it violates the equal protection clause of the U.S. Constitution.

November 18 dream:  ”This script is extenuous,” character says in the middle of my dream.

November 18 dream:  Start two year stint in the Army. Don’t know anything yet. I’m sure it will be adventurous but not yet.

November 17, 2022:  In ’til 3:45ish. Talk to Rajat at 7-11. He’s going to curl his hair, he says. K to W.P. Feel kind of scared that Sergio will be at Peet’s. And he is. We talk briefly. Later I start to feel “shitty” so I decide to leave earlier than usual. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Then turn around and pass it again. Decided to take subway back to W.P. I go to Peet’s again. This time Sergio waits on me. He tells me he’s been spending a lot of time at another Peet’s. I say, “Which one?” He says, “Chestnut Street.” I say, “Lots of young upwardly mobile people.” (This was, I think, my way of saying good-bye to Sergio. And his way of saying good-bye to me.) Finish my crossword puzzle and the newspaper and head down W.P. Boulevard to catch K home. Drop in on Ladi at C.S. Reading Room. He tells me he lives in W.P. I say, “Yeah, I used to live in a really nice house, too, when I was a Christian Scientist. As soon as I left the church, I became poor.” “Maybe God is trying to tell me something,” I joke. K home. Check out with Du. I ask him if he’s keeping busy. He says, “Yeah, but it doesn’t really matter.” I don’t understand what he meant by that but he has a really nice smile. He says, “You know what I mean.”

November 17 dream:  Hard-on dream about the effect Mudi had on people from the early 20th century. There were photos.

November 17 dream:  Tom O. and my father get together and come over to my place as I’m peeing in the sink. (h.o.)

November 17 dream:  Dream in which my boss reaches over and grabs my crotch. Woman in dream says, “You don’t have that right.” May says, “I thought you enjoyed it.”

November 17 dream:  Walking down path by my apartment. Lots of spiders swarm on my body. I try to brush them off.

November 17 dream:  Kissing Lisa?

November 17 dream:  Vermicelli.

November 17 dream:  Ants on food.

November 17 dream:  Reagan and Mundi talk.

November 16, 2022:  Call Peet’s and they tell me they have my library book. Yay! In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Jasmine and Kai at Peet’s. Pick up my book. Go to W.P. library and give thumbs up to Dat who returns the favor. Take K to 1201 Sutter Street open house. It’s even smaller than where I live now. Take #49 home. Get feeling to get off at 16th Street. So I get off at 18th Street and walk back to 16th Street. Stop at burrito place to take pee and get a burrito. Walk up 16th Street to Castro. Pass 440 Club. See guy on Castro who makes me turn around. I decide to walk back up Castro and pass 440 Club again. See ad saying “Don’t go half way.” So I go back to 440 Club and walk inside. Don’t see John but I do connect with short, mousy guy who it feels like I know. Later realize it may have been John showing me what he looks like without his very handsome exterior. Take #35 to G.P. Then #23 and #43 home. All of which came right away. Stop by W.F. Check out with Harrold. He tells me he lives in Daly City.

November 16 dream:  Out on the ocean in a rowboat off of our main boat. See dark forms under the water. Head for the main boat, but one of us goes to smaller black mass and blasts a megaphone at them.

November 16 dream:  Resting on couch in my new apartment, looking out at Xmas lights nearby. Someone asks me if I’ve moved in completely. I say, “No.” Then realize I don’t have a mailbox key. Then realize I’m dreaming.

November 16 dream:  Talk to somebody (a girl) about going to Paris. How it’s just a city with good points and not-so-good points.

November 16 dream:  Sophia Loren, wearing white dress, takes off her coat. She (and I) were both expecting that she would be fat, but she looked great. She shook her hips in the mirror and seemed very happy. I was laying on bed with a girl at the time. 

November 15, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Try to start conversation with cute young man reading a book. I ask, “Is that a good book?” He ignores me. Go to library. Then walk thru G.C.P. Hear owl. Approach woman I think is Janet, the Coyote Lady, and ask, “Any coyotes?” It’s not Janet and I couldn’t understand what she said. #48 to W.P. See woman wearing V neck sweater. I’m attracted to her cleavage. Next time I look, her sweater is up to her neck. K home. John F. calls in p.m. Realize I accidentally threw away library book on male privilege. Which was how I felt about the book.

November 15 dream:  List of people I’m going to work with this week or this year. Yearly costs more.

November 15 dream:  I win two checks (or is it one?) for $30. Thane arrives from airport. Nobody sees him at first, other than me. Still working on list, mostly people from Arizona.

November 15 dream:  Thane laying down, pretending to be meditating. Asks me to hold his head. Then he pretends to fall asleep.

November 14, 2022:  In-house massage at 11 a.m. Learn that my masseur escaped from Iraq in 1993. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Jasmine and other nice barista at Peet’s. K to Castro. As I pass 440 Club, feel invited to look in, which I do. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Walk up 19th Street and Market to M.S. See “Sir Allen” but don’t speak to him. Check out with Ian who seems very dispirited. #43 to Forest Hill. Follow cute very young Filipino(?) guy in shorts into Forest Hill station and take the wrong elevator just so I can be near him. He holds the door open for me. After we arrive at the platform, we are the only two on either side of the station. I ask him, “Are there steps up out of here?” He points out the steps to me. I cross over to my side of the station and lean up against the wall as he is leaning up against his wall. Take K home. Go to W.P. Nice bakery lady. Check out with Harrold (with two “r”s). Via email Alex G. says he’s surprised I showed up for the November 12 book launch of Finding the Unpredictable Good. I email back, “Why surprised?” He says “you seldom come around.” I respond, “I come around everyday via the Bathtub Bulletin.” Alex was the guy years ago (in the ’70s) during an Aloha Retreat with The Prosperos who stayed on top of me as I dragged him into the kitchen while struggling to stand on my own two feet.

November 14 dream:  Putting $3.50 cash in an envelope. Open it up to tape the two quarters down.

November 13, 2022:  Read about B-17 bomber crashing into another plane in Dallas (*Relates to atomic bomb dream of October18?) In ’til 3:30ish. Buy new earphones from Joan at W.G. K to W.P. Nedim at Peet’s. Also Bruce. Feel kind of “shitty” so walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Rush home to take shits.

November 13 dream:  Harriet appearing with her legs bandaged with what looks like wrapping paper down to her high heels.

November 12, 2022:  Sarah calls in a.m. Online book launch for Finding the Unpredictable Good. Lots of people (20 or so) attending. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Lose my earphones. Get down on myself. Feel that something was taken from me. Ask myself when have I felt this way before. Realize it may relate to my father taking away, not so much my innocence, but my sexuality. Go to library. Then G.C.P. Run into Janet, the Coyote Lady, looking for coyotes. Then M.S. #43 home.

November 12 dream:  Copying changes made from one binder to another.

November 12 dream:  Signing back in to work. I say, “I don’t plan to leave the city.”

November 11, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Just Heather and me. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Lulu, Kai at Peet’s. Old man regular who I’ve never liked sits across from me and smiles. Feels creepy to me. I don’t smile back. But do feel pelvic pain. K to Castro. See cute Boy Scout at 18th & Castro. Do quick U-turn. Buy expensive bag of caramel corn for $14. (*Relates to shits from two days ago about the same time?) Walk up 19th Street to Market to #52 to Forest Hill. K home. When I get home my building and W.F. are having a fire alarm. Run into Shrey. We talk ’til alarm goes off. Go to W.F.

November 11 dream:  Carrot, potato stew finally ready. Somebody made lots more carrots. I changed outfits for second helping.

November 11 dream: Am in Chicago. Supposed to guide little kid to go home.

November 10, 2022:  In ’til 2:15ish. K to W.P. for optometry appointment. Go to Ballast Cafe first. Googling foot pain, realize I need to ice my feet. Nice Asian gay guy examined my eyes. Go to Peet’s. Nedim there. K to Castro. Walk up 19th Street. Dog on leash lurches at me, barking. Up Market to Portola shopping center. #48 to W.P. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Du who looks and acts really sweet. Respond to Fennie email claim that The Prosperos teaches democracy. My headline on the BB: “’The Prosperos is organized to promulgate … genuine democracy’ [except in the running of the school].” (*Relates to dogs/coyotes barking/screaming hier in G.C.P.?)

November 10 dream: About to give my part of a presentation. Others go out for a moment. I start to make phone call but they come back.

November 10 dream:  Presentation about to be made. Audience sits in their chairs. There’s some confusion with the front row big wigs.

November 10 dream:  The final word of my life will be “Amen.”

November 9, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then library. Sun says hi to me. I was surprised. First time I’d seen him since June 7. Walk thru G.C.P. Take shits at G.P. Recreational Center. Walk thru lower part of G.C.P. Hear dogs and/or coyotes barking and screaming in pain. Later realize pain in my left foot may relate to me going in the wrong direction with my interest in moving. Go to M.S. Check out with Ian. His face is redder than ever. He says it’s always been like that. I say, “Are you sure you’re not embarrassed about something?” #43 home. John F. calls in p.m.

November 9 dream:  Noble Fields ad searching for virgins

November 9 dream«: Am at temp job in SOMA. Nothing to do. Woman comes up and asks me what business I’m in. I look for water on water shelf and find only an ear of corn.

November 8, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Daniel and Nedim at Peet’s. Good connection with Daniel (finally). Black woman in front of W.P. station wearing an “I voted” sticker as was I. We smile. Take K to Castro. Up 19th Street to #48 to #43. Young black woman gets up to offer me her seat. Online meeting from 6-8 p.m. about BMR condo at 1201 Sutter. Also get text from John F. that he would be happy pick me up after my surgery on January 23.

November 8 dream:  My dream brother gets very emotional with a tear dripping from his right eye. Then I embrace him. (h.o.)

November 8 dream:  In Translation group, two or three girls flirting with me.

November 8 dream:  At party, Thane arrives in tow behind Frank Ralston(?) He sees me. We shake hands. He brushes off salt from his hand from the salty snack I was eating. He kisses young man who backs away and looks at me. I smile at him (the younger man). Then Thane sees dead hand on the ground. He touches it. It turns into an injured cat who responds. Thane picks him up and takes him for help.

November 7, 2022:  Get call that my credit card was blocked due to fraudulent activity by somebody. In-house massage at 11 a.m. Guy says I’m very stiff. In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Daniel and Nedim at Peet’s. Daniel still very silent. K to Castro. Feel jumpy happy at one point. Then up 19th Street to Market. Cross Market in the dark. Police car yells out to me via a microphone, “Don’t cross the street in the dark or a car will hit you.” #48 to W.P. Then K home. I sit next to cute guy. Then notice other guy with blue helmet. He smiles at me as he exited. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Translate not being able to get a ride home from my operation on January23. Conclusion: Truth is all-knowing, all-known, all-loving and all loved.

November 7 dream:  Two documents with errors on them. Ana Kasparian throws them out. We’re looking at house which only cost $8,000 but needs a lot of work.

November 7 dream:  Go to work without pants. No one notices ’til Barry Bram, my boss, notices. Later Richard Pryor doing very funny routine imitating being a jazz musician. Plaque saying, “Something Big is Coming.”

November 7 dream:  Watch big nursing event take place outside my Saratoga window. Thunder and lightning. Everybody heads for cover. I say to lead organizer (a black woman), “It looks like our house was designed for big events. I wonder why.”

November 6, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Evan, Kai at Peet’s. Evan told me about schools he’s applied to. He’s going to major in creative writing and maybe music as well. Later young girl comes in to talk to him. Also talked with Kai about the movie The Irishman. While I was at Peet’s, John Atwater from Colorado called me and we talked about the Prosperos assembly next year in Oklahoma (*Relates to hard-on dream of September 15, I think.) Take K to Castro. As I enter Castro station, catch eye of guy who I followed up Market Street. I saw him into his apartment. Walk up Market to #48 to W.P. to K home. W.F.

November 6 dream:  It’s dark and I can’t see. “Who is this? Who is this?” I say. The wrong people were appointed. Next time, though, it will be better.

November 6 dream:  Eating some kind of candy in a bike shop where there are lots of bikes hanging from the ceiling. I say that I liked it better when they were hanging from the walls.

November 5, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Buy lotto ticket from Lee. Tell him I’ll give him a percentage. Later realize dream of reptile from November 4 probably relates to me buying that lotto ticket. Go to C.B. Get matcha latte from C.B. owner’s son like I did on October 22. Go to library. Walk thru C.G.P. Rainy day. Go to M.S. Check out with Haircut Ed. #43 home. Run into Shrey at back of bus.

November 5 dream:  Supreme Court makes a decision. (h.o.)

November 5 dream:  Beautiful water from underneath.

November 5 dream:  Some people want me to move to Washington state and work in a bookstore with them.

November 4, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Heather, Sarah and me attend. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. See Eezy-Freezy guy from October 17. He kind of tries to hide from me, but finally we recognize each other. No Daniel at Peet’s, as I suspected. Kai, Stephanie, Valentine there. Take K to Castro. I think I see Christian. Do double-take. As I pass 440 Club, guy collides with mea and holds onto me a little longer than he needed to. Up 19th Street to Market to #48. Four young guys board and sit near me. Get off at W.P. Take K home. Sit next to guy who took up more space than he needed to. But as he got off at Miramar, I’m overwhelmed by his beauty and his gracious smile. (*Relates to shits from hier about he same time, I think.) Female cashier at W.F. Felt bad I didn’t please her (by checking out in her line). Then realized that that was the same feeling I had with my mother. That it was my job to please her.

November 4 dream:  Bob Meslinsky asking for authorization tactfully when they ask him what he’s doing. (h.o.)

November 4 dream:  Try to do a whack-a-mole type game 9with guys) when i’m high on something.

November 4 dream:  Trying to counsel guy in front of others. I’m doing pretty good but I can hardly hear him. He wants his home to change.

November 4 dream:  Reptile exploring my kitchen tentatively. (*Relates to buying a $46 million lotto ticker on November 5 and fantasizing what I’d do with it.)

November 3, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Run into Nedim on W.P. bench. He tells me Daniel will take care of me at Peet’s. Daniel says he got the astro chart I emailed him. I say, “Maybe we can go over it sometime.” He says, “How about tomorrow?” I say, “Okay.” Not sure if he’ll show up though. Take K to Castro. Black guy bumps into me. I feel “shitty.” Decide to take K home. Cute, tall, long-haired, bleached blond, Asian skateboarder and black guy dressed very stylishly get off at my stop. I think Asian guy smiled at me with his eyes. Go home. Have shits. Then mail my ballet. Go to W.F. work on book in p.m.

November 3 dream:  Writing a book review and eating a sandwich. (h.o.)

November 3 dream:  Three of us go thru files to find loopiest people, in a good way.

November 3 dream:  When I follow Liz Andrews, I tend to lose my balance. Going to crypto-converter for dog owners.

November 2, 2022:  Anonymous call in a.m. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Kai at Peet’s. We talk about Uncut Gems movie he recommended and I saw two nights ago. K to Castro. Walk up 19th Street to Market to M.S. Check out with red-faced Ian who told me he went swimming earlier at the Olympic Club downtown. He’s got some connections.

November 2 dream:  Mary Tyler Moore recognizes me and reminds me of the effort we both put into me applying to acting school in Chicago. Earlier well-dressed guy I didn’t think was gay [Tom the lawyer, who really is gay] participating in outdoor “play” with two gay guys and a gal being a “couple.”

November 2 dream:  Shell Oil sign in front yard of our business finally falls down.

November 2 dream:  Follow Liam Malanaphy to big vat of water where they are growing gardenias. Later his mother Livia joins us.

November 1, 2022:  #29 and #38 to VA. Sit near cute guy in back seat on #29. When he gets off at SFSU, he readjusts his sweater in a way I interpreted as sexual. I Translated “crowds” before boarding #29 due to past experience and realized that since Truth is one, it cannot be crowded at the same time. And the #29 bus I boarded today wasn’t crowded. Get caught in rain on way into and out of VA. Cute guy at Walgreens where I look at umbrellas on the way in and buy one on the way out. Dr. Horn gave me a surgery appointment on January 16. Walk to La Promenade. Two cute guys there I make contact with. Then walk thru G.G. Park to #29. Crazy guy on #29. W.F. Bills. Monthly BB. Pick up shoes from Johnnie. Notice that Apt. #308 seems empty as I passed by.

November 1 dream:  I pick out six DVDs I want to watch. (h.o.)

November 1 dream:  Teaching child why things are named. Mebert means mine. Hebert means his.

October 31, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Meet “Mad Hatter” at Ingleside library. She liked by “Abolish the Electoral College” T-shirt. K to W.P. Daniel and Nedim and Lulu at Peet’s. Daniel still very down. Lots of kids in costume on the street. K to Castro. Not as many costumed as hier. It was probably too early. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #44 to Forest Hill. Take K to W.P. Get off at W.P. to see more kids in costumes. Buy small Vietnamese Coffee froyo. $7.09! One young teenager who was dressed like Harry Potter said, “I like your bag.” My bag says, “Love is love.” Talked briefly with Ladi at C.S. Reading Room. K home. In p.m. feeling of being under the surface of water via DVD about Freud and mysticism. (*Relates to atomic bomb dream of October 18, I think.) Send email to Daniel re his astrological chart.

October 31 dream:  Submitted something I didn’t sing up for.

October 31 dream:  Heather and I witness politician at a meeting and kind of laugh at them. Later I take pee in men’s room.

October 30, 2022:  Sarah calls. In ’til 4ish. K to W.P. Sergio not at Peet’s. Nedim and Bruce are. Short young guy in front of W.P. station smiles at me. K to Castro. Several people in costumes already. Up 19th Street to Market to #48 to K home. W.F. Lula wins in Brazil!!!

October 30 dream:  Hard-on dream about doing something by 4?

October 30 dream:  Timing the pain in my leg every 5 minutes. Tom O. yells at me, “Are you still up?” It’s about 2:30 a.m. in the dream.

October 30 dream:  Not sure which job to go to tomorrow. My old one or my new one? Trying to get money from man who owes me. He says he’s signed the check but he just won’t give it to me yet.

October 30 dream:  Sitting around large, long table with many people recounting the many things Thane has done.

October 29, 2022:  See photo of B-52 as in dream of October 18. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Sergio not at Peet’s as I expected. Kai, Nedim there. Nedim after 30 days in Bosnia and Herzegovina. Kai after water polo game earlier in the day. K to Castro. Recognize guy I saw two days ago on same train. This time our eyes locked briefly. He seemed to be with a boyfriend. Both got off at Castro as did I. He was limping. Follow bearded guy at 18th & Castro briefly. Then follow smiling Asian guy for half a block. Up 19th Street to Market Street. Almost run into woman carrying newborn baby on Market. #44 to Forest Hill. K home. W.F. Check out with Jade, who’s still kind of a dick. Realize October 29 viewer of this diary from Germany may have been somebody from the USA disguising him/herself thru use of a VPN. Made me feel bad.

October 29 dream:  I’m making out with cute young blond guy. I’m grabbing his ass and he’s grabbing mine. He says, “I want to show you what a great ass I have.” I say, “I know what a great ass you have.” We are both hard. For some reason he can’t come in my room. But other very fat and pushy guy keeps showing up at my door.

October 28, 2022:  In ’til 1:30ish. #29 and #38 to VA. On #29, drunk, fat, friendly guy talks to me about being a “birder.” Neurology appointment with Dr. Goodin at VA. Short and sweat. He is touching my toes, my fingers, my legs and I’m sitting there in my tight red pants ready to pounce if he “tries anything funny.” Then La Promenade Café. #31 and #44 to G.P. library. Walk to Safeway. Hear guy on cellphone saying, “Calm down. Calm down.” Go to Safeway. Check out with Gabe. We talk about Halloween candy. #43 home. Email from Richard Hartnett saying he’s in town and wants to check up on me to see how I am. See “The Perfect Opportunity” in p.m.

October 28 dream:  Band playing for someone. (h.o.)

October 28 dream:  Copy and paste list 4 pages long.

October 27, 2022:  In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Sergio and Daniel both at Peet’s for first time in 5 or 6 days. I complimented Sergio on his T-shirt. In turn he asked me about mine. Later talked with Daniel about his hero, Kanye West. Later ask Sergio when Nedim will return. He says, “Saturday.” So I’ll go back on Saturday, mostly in hopes that Sergio will be there. Bruce there also. K to Castro. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. Beautiful, blond guy at 14th Avenue. K home. Follow cute Asian guy into resto briefly ’til he took his hood off and revealed his completely shaved off head. Shop at W.F. Hot guy let’s me cut in line ahead of him.

October 27 dream: Trying to find out more info on why the military (the Navy) is raising funds for this particular ship. (h.o.)

October 27 dream:  My friends are moving out. I’m living in a beautiful lobby which will make a nice room once I add a few things, like a screen. In bed, taking some purple sections out of my leg. Wondering how I’m gong to walk now.

October 26, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Joan at W.G. K to W.P. Stop by Ballast Café. Cute baristo. Sergio not at Peet’s for 4th day in a row. Same with Daniel. I tells ya, these two are one person! Kai and Faisal there. Kai tells me he was on his hight school water polo team. K to Castro. Walk up 19th Street to Market. #48 to M.S. Some nasty kids on #48. Shop at M.S. Walking to #43, run into two painters at CVS. One especially excited to see me. #43 home. More nasty kids. I moved away from them too early because as I exited, I saw guy who had been sitting in the back seat who I should have connected with.

October 26 dream:  Hard-on dream about cause and effect. (*Relates to talking with Daniel about Kanye at Peet’s on October 27. Daniel said something about cause and effect in re Kanye. Also relates to me talking with Sergio earlier, I think.)

October 26 dream:  Woman getting ready for Prosperos banquet. Her name was Elaine Mountain. I was trying to write it on a napkin.

October 26 dream:  Guys without pants climbing down fire escape ladder very casually. I wonder if I could kiss John even if I don’t like him. I think, “Well, I could give it a try.”

October 25, 2022:  5.1 earthquake at 11:42 a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. No Sergio at Peet’s. K to Castro. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #48. While waiting for #48, I heard myself settling for somebody, anybody to hook up with. Then heard myself and realized that that’s all I thought I deserved when I was with my father. On #48, one very good-looking, well-built guy nicely dressed in tight tan suit working on his computer. I sit near him. Then guy with bright pink fingernail polish comes in with his girlfriend. Then third guy in baseball cap, very handsome, trying to avoid my gaze. Get off at W.P. K home. Go to see Johnnie at shoe repair place. On my way there, I run into guy checking out poster on telephone pole. We made a brief connection which I didn’t pursue. (*Relates to 2nd nap dream from today, I think. And I think it may have been a mutation from my insight about not having to accept 2nd best earlier today.)

October 25 nap dream:  “This is 1783,” talking about painting. “It’s spectacular!”

October 25 nap dream:  Trying to get away from bickering household. Walking down long stairs. Then look around and I’m still high up. Unused, uncared for swimming pool below. I want to go back up.

October 25 dream:  Look at two vacant apartments high above city with panoramic views of S.F. The number 72,000 involved.

October 25 dream: The whole family is moving out of Saratoga house. My father cleaned our bathroom more than anyone ever had. There was a globe light in it. I was looking for fresh underpants to wear.

October 24, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. No Sergio at Peet’s. Cute guy hides from my gaze behind his computer. Take K to Castro. Several men in sleeveless T-shirts and shorts. One smiled at me. Up 19th Street to Market to #52 to Forest Hill. Feel left knee pain on long steps down. Then run into scary (to me) black guy on K. I think there was a connection. K home. W.F. Check out in line behind very cute Asian guy I had seen earlier in the store. Checked out with Jeanette.

October 24 dream:  My new room (#317) at camp has lots of hard-shelled bugs crawling on the walls. Coordinator offers to be my roommate. I say, “Well, that would be wonderful.”

October 24 dream:  See Oprah and others trying to heal themselves. Guy asks me what I want. I tell him, “I think God, if you will, wants to use the gay community to show the androgyny of mankind.” He thought I meant the S.F. gay community. I say, “No, I mean the gay community in general.” He gets excited by the idea. Then gay guy gets ready to go out. Then other gay guy joins him.

October 23, 2022:  In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Sergio not at Peet’s. Take K to Castro. Pause at Market and Castro ’til passing guy smiles at me. Walk up 19th Street to Market. Smiling Asian family at Kite Hill. Up Market to #48. Small dog on pedestrian pathway both barks at me and backs away from me. His owner says, “He’s just excited.” I say, “So am I.” #48 to W.P. K home. W.F. Check out with new smiling female cashiers. Mikayla?

October 23 dream:  Hard-on dream.

October 23 dream:  Gravity didn’t seem to matter any more. Calvin flying in the air. Woman on horseback with other horse in tow. She kept switching horses. Lots of other flying people. Also flying white hawk. See Calvin on way in. Then guy I like, but I’m in a rush, I think, to write it all down.

October 22, 2022:  Tough nite last nite. Call Sarah. In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to G.P. Talk wi Lee at liquor store. Go to C.B. Owner’s son and his friend there. One makes a great matcha latte for me. G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Then M.S. Then #43 home.

October 21, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Daniel didn’t show up at Peet’s as he promised hier, but Sergio was there. He ignores me ’til I was about to leave. Then we have a nice conversation. (*Realized later that Sergio was the subject of my first dream of October 18, not Christian. See Diary of October 20.) Take K to Castro. As train door opens, I admire body of man standing directly in front of me. And he let’s me. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. K home. W.F.

October 21 dream:  I move in with HughJohn on a temporary basis.

October 21 dream:  Living with interior designer Bill Hickok. All the furniture is in orange.

October 20, 2022:  Call from Wilson Fong at VA. Sleep ’til 12:30 p.m. In ’til 4ish. K to W.P. Sergio and Daniel there. Very quiet, even depressing day. As I leave, Daniel asks me if I’ll be back tomorrow. I say, “Probably.” He says he’ll see me then. Take K to Castro. Run into Christian again for first time since September 17. We have great conversation. And we exchange phone numbers. I tell him I’m sorry I didn’t invite him over the last time I saw him, so he could avoid the rain. (*Relates to 1st dream of October 18, I think.) Walk up Market to #52 to K home. W.F. Check out with Du.

October 20 dream:  SNL skit about boomers kind of undermining younger generation memes about them. Shirtless Joe Montana among the cast. Then drama with lots of shirtless guys and me in the center observing it all and then being a part of it. Ending up with sad wallflower in a dress who looked very sad. Then he smiled and I did, too.

October 19, 2022:  In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to G.P. See Lee taking out the garbage. Too late for C.B. Go to library. Walk thru G.C.P. Go to S.B. Portola. Give $2 to “Mouse” who admires my camera. #48 to W.P. K home. Young high school guy rushes to offer me a seat as soon as I board. Electricity goes out in p.m. for about two hours throughout the neighborhood.

October 19 dream:  Several black actors trying to emote over guy laying prone. Everyone in this acting group is getting very emotional and I’ not. One guy wants to commit suicide and have the insurance money go to his cat.

October 19 dream:  Go to north bay city for the day. John’s nephew, Harrison, who looks very much like John, is cashier at store. John is there and greets his nephew, “How’s it going, Harrison?” I talk with John’s other relative, a nice, overweight, not very attractive guy. John doesn’t recognize that I’m there. I hang out with two other cousins for a while. I tell one where he need to go next. He says, “I’m a big girl. I know my way around.”

October 18, 2022:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. See Ladi outside Christian Science Reading Room. We talk briefly. Daniel and Faisal at Peet’s. It’s Daniel’s b-day today. He’s 20. Jokes that he’s 37. I email him his astrology chart. Read part of Gabor Mate’s The Myth of Normal. it was the part where his Amazon guides told others that Dr. Mate was communing with God. Made me feel happy. Take K to Castro. Walk by 440 Club. (*May relate to shits hier at about the same time.) Walk up 19th Street and Market. See dead mouse. #52 and K home. Memory: Overweight guy in Paris who wanted to buy me coffee and was very insistent. I was polite and flattered, I guess. But tonight I thought, if I had accepted what I think was his proposition, I’d kill him. (*Relates, of course, to my relationship with my father, I think. Also may relate to dream of October 17 of Thane about to make a major announcement.)

October 18 dream:  Was doing pretty well with one gay guy. Then he started talking with someone else. And then I asked guy if I could borrow his gray T-shirt. Then I said I probably shouldn’t ’cause I’d just use it as a dust rag. We were close and he said, “Why don’t we just go out together, you know, like men and women do.” I said, “Sure.” I knew it was probably rude to first gay guy but it felt fabulous otherwise.

October 18 dream:  Leigh invites me to party in back room of St. Francis Hotel.

October 18 dream:  Am on top of parking structure. Suddenly long-winged plane flies over head. Also larger floating platform. Then it appears we are under water. You can see the surface up above. Everyone was told to go down below. I see 3 or 4 of my good male friends and try to comfort them. And I sit in chair near some Vietnam vets. They are dropping an atomic bomb, Obama had told us.

October 17, 2022:  Shits at 2 a.m.-ish. Work more on 1863 Mission app. Nap. In ’til 4:30 p.m. Shits before leaving. As I exit 352 Brighton, guy smiles and asks me how I am. I say, “I’m good.” Daniel, Lulu and Faisal at Peet’s. They finally have plain biscotti! Later have shits at Peet’s. As I leave, Daniel shows me secret handshake. Lulu videos us. Beautiful cashier at Eezy-Freezy who I make love to with my eyes. Take K home. See same guy from 352 Brighton as I exit on Jules. Run into Johnnie at shoe repair on Ocean. He says he’ll call me tomorrow about reheeling my shoes. Head into W.F. See #308. Follow him in. Ride up elevator with him and female doctor from UCSF. Then go to W.F. Check out with Du.

October 17 dream:  At circus featuring Middle Eastern jets. They are charging $54. I decide to go. We are advancing up steep wall. They are coming down. So that we won’t crash, I begin going down and start talking like Mr. Rogers and grabbing my companion’s butt.

October 17 dream:  Was doing planning for an area of West L.A. Someone suggested calling it the Dorf Sector. I suggested calling it Dorfside. We were not sure what we were trying to do with the area but it may have had something to do with transit. I was laying on couch and figured I should get up. So I struggled to get up [for 2nd day in a row]. And then I woke up.

October 17 dream:  Policeman wants to be taken seriously as a movie director.

October 17 dream:  Big meeting of The Prosperos. Thane and his Frank Ralston were on stage. I’m in back row next to short guy and Tom C. Both with buzz cuts. Both joking with each other.

October 16, 2022:  Start paperwork for 1863 Mission Street. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Faisal and nice young barista who showed concern that they still don’t have the plain biscotti I like. K to Castro. Big old guy in pink T-shirt barrels towards me and says, “Life is love.” Take #33 up 18th Street. Then walk up Market to M.S. on Portola. Have to choose between Ian and Allen on checkout. Allen’s line is shorter so I choose him. (*Relates to fire from hier at this time?) Ian said he went golfing this a.m. at Olympic Golf Club. #43 home.

October 16 dream:  Chris H. at party. Really glad to see him. He looks great. Calvin there too. Get stuck under covers by George Wallace(?). I start Translating and wake up.

October 16 dream:  ”Crazy and detached”

October 16 dream:  I’m in N.Y.C. for a couple of days. Find large Japanese bill (money) on the ground and turn it in for money at Chinese place. I drop some money and papers behind a small fridge. Jon Stewart tries to help em find it. Go to gay bar. Meet some cute young guys.

October 15, 2022:  Online work. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to C.B. Talk with young man about the book he’s reading. Then another man sitting next to me begins a conversation with me about photography. I give him my website. As I exit C.B., see “Astound” truck. Take #36 to Mission. Then #14. Run into low-riders at 24th Street. Great ;photo ops. Go to 1863 Mission to check out neighborhood. It’s pretty down and out, though the building is cute. Walk down Valencia Street. Take #49 home. Air is filled with smoke as I arrive home. Home on Brighton appears to be burning. Shits on getting home.

October 15 dream:  On train with English guy talking about big shows they put on and some of the ideas he has asked people to do. I tell him, “Love some of those things.”

October 15 dream:  Tom C. as woman in group.

October 15 dream:  Go on job interview at law office in 4-story building. Elevator has no numbers inside and I keep getting lost.

October 15 dream:  Going through comedy routine with black guy and a few others. My Daniel-type bantering self is emerging.

October 15 dream:  Visit Santa Cruz. Take swim on stretch of ocean. Ocean is warm and clear. Leigh is going to Christian Science church. I ask to go along. She says no. Then I see her. She’s really friendly. Reminds me of Jane Fletcher, one of my high school girlfriends. Santa Cruz has lots and lots of tall buildings. When I tell Leigh she reminds me of Jane Fletcher, she runs away. I try to chase after her.

October 14, 2022:  Sign in for Zoom meeting of Ukraine Emergency Translation Group. Nobody shows up. Online work. Nap. In ’til 4ish. K to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s. Very quiet day. Take K to Castro. Then walk up 19th Street to Market to #48. Murder of crows on 19th Street. Scruffy black guy smiles at me as I board. So I sit near him. As I”m about to exit, I notice he’s really beautiful, really sweet and probably gay. Try to get his attention as I leave. Walk by him a couple of times. (*Relates to shits from hier about this time, I think.) Take K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Shits on getting home. Fire drill shortly before midnight. See #308. He looks mean and nasty, though still cute.

October 14 dream:  Come back to civilization after shooting at grizzlies bears with a musket.

October 14 dream:  We put everything on the shelves. Pero binders for various groups, free stuff and stuff for purchase.

October 14 dream:  The get away driver drove off. I start cutting oak tree. Woman says, “I thought you were from the government.”

October 14 dream:  At new job, sweeping up. Guy says I should just finish up and go home. I’m not sure what my job is or who I’m working for. Woman says she’ll find out.

October 14 dream:  Dog eating orange slices.

October 13, 2022:  Extinction Rebellion Empathy Circle in a.m. Four of us attended. Online work. Try to nap. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Daniel and Sergio at Peet’s. Lots of bantering. Take K to Castor. Then #35 to G.P. See and wave at Lee at liquor store. #23 and #43 home.

October 13 dream:  Guy doing more than one thing at a time may have forgotten to bury other guy.

October 13 dream:  Several of us are rushing towards a reunion. Earlier walk thru area on sidewalk where lots of reptiles scurry away.

October 13 dream:  Nachtsva.

October 13 dream:  Someone passing out knives in the Castro. Take mine and hers and exit stage right. See two cops. Keep walking. Pick up free Examiner. Keep walking Great shopping area. I think Aunt Joanne would have liked it.

October 13 dream:  May be taking the right course I was supposed to be taking, second part of intro course. But taking correct course instead.

October 13 dream:  Met Cynthia Dussel at store. Then run into guy I saw earlier. They both knew each others. Later I asked how they met. He said at a beach in Humboldt. I asked him what he was doing. He signed me up and gave me some $30. He was with another guy.

October 12, 2022:  Go to VA in a.m. to get Covid test. I had to go to the ER to get it. Turned out negative. Doc says I have some sort of virus. After, walk to La Promenade Café on Balboa. Then walk thru G.G. Park to Lincoln Way. Sweet, very young skateboarder on Fulton shows interest in me. Then attractive guy walking his dog. Take #29 home. W.F. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Emotionally vulnerable people are subject to viral attack. Conclusion: Truth is emotional wholeness publicly participating in plenty.

October 11, 2022:  Another tough nite. Online work. Nap. In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to G.P. Talk with Lee at liquor store. Go to library. Then #52 to Portola Shopping Center. Go to S.B. Two cute young gay baristos. Go to CVS. Check out with Andrew who I last saw on August 19. Take #48 to W.P. The M to Balboa. Nice, good-looking young man sits across from me. I want to say something to him, so I say, “Is that an N-95 mask?” He smiles and says, “I don’t even know.” I say, “It looks like a good one.” Walk to Ocean and take #49 home. Insight: My anger at God for not taking care of me actually relates to my anger at my father for not taking care of me.

October 11 dream:  Dream indicating I’m feeling/doing better (h.o.)

October 11 dream:  Princetonian

October 11 dream:  Run into Tom O. in run down parking lot in downtown S.F. Also Hanz. I introduce them. Then my girlfriend Jill who is mad at me. We all arrange to get together for dinner when Tom gets back from his trip.

October 10, 2022:  Tough nite last nite. Couldn’t get to sleep ’til this a.m. In ’til 4ish. K to W.P. Stephanie and two other baristas at Peet’s. Take K to Castro. Then take M back. Stay on M ’cause of guy in baseball cap who gets off at SFSU. Then #29 home. Gay guy with sleeveless shirt stands next to me and we touch briefly. He pretends we don’t. Strange guy comes up to me at W.F. He asks me about my camera and tells me he’s seen me wear an expensive watch and invites me to upcoming Seiko convention downtown. Stand in line to check out with Cole but other cashier cals me over so I go. In p.m. watch DVD Your Honor in which the dates October 9 and 10 are key dates in the film.

October 10 dream:  Sliding downhill with two mates, one a girl, the other a boy. Afterwards, I ask the boy if he’ll be signing up for the next semester. Me and the girl and me and the boy seem to be in some kind of partnership.

October 9, 2022:  Online work. Nap. K to W.P. Kai and Faisal at Peet’s. Very busy. Insight: John is the best that I think I deserve: a boyfriend in the abstract only. As I think this, woman at Peet’s smiles at me. Later realize pain eating what I want may relate to my not feeling that I deserve to be happy. K to Castro. Walk to 19th Street. Then up 19th to Market to #52 to Forest Hill. K home. W.F. Finish RHS. Yes, my self-created childhood identity is not deserving of happiness, but I’m no longer that self. Because I was so ashamed of who I was and how I reacted to my mother’s death, I allowed my father and John to get away with treating me horribly in the hopes that one day maybe they wouldn’t. I think I was hoping they could do something I never could do: Forgive myself or, as Thane used to say, to give-for. To give up my old identity as a limited human being and replace it with my real identity as an aperture for Universal Consciousness, Universal Beingness, or, in other words, mind unfolding, that is, my mind unfolding. I was hoping their love would make me whole. But that was an impossible burden to put on them ’cause neither of them were whole in themselves. That wasn’t, isn’t your job. That’s my job. So I release you from the burden I put on you. And I accept that my task, to quote Thane’s Transcendental Interpretation of the Lord’s Prayer, is “accepting my divinity, whereby I am delivered from myself into Thyself.”

October 8, 2022:  Intro Empathy Circle from 10 a.m. to noon. About 11 attended. Online work. Nap. Go to Jun for 3:30 p.m. haircut. Nice connection with gay man who preceded me. Nice talking with Jun as usual. See Jun running to his car afterward. He was all smiles. Go to Safeway. #43 home. As I walk toward my apartment, run into #308 for firs time since July 30. I didn’t recognize him ’til he turned in to his doorway.

October 8 dream:  Hanz and me and Bob Meslinsky get up on painter’s platform. Then jump down to get supplies before we go back up.

October 8 dream:  City College wouldn’t let ma back in. Then I remembered I already had a BA degree from UC.

October 7, 2022:  Sarah and I meet online for Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. In ’til 4ish. K to W.P. Lots of nasty, loud kids on train. Go to Peet’s. Stephanie and 2 or 3 other baristas there. Go to W.P. library. Decide not to take K to Castro. Take K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Du, a new cashier. Insight: Masseur hier said I had inflammation. Inflammation is the body’s effort to get rid of something. Maybe what I’m trying to get rid of (and have been trying for some 20 years to get rid of) is John.

October 7 dream:  Young squeaky woman comes in to do operation on my penis on Saturday. Suddenly the office is full of workers. She had to make sure the hole in my penis was still working.

October 7 dream:  I brought white T-shirt to Prosperos center and told them they could use it however they wanted. I wanted to help publicize them. Visit Grand Canyon-type place. Lots of tourists. See co-worker from DOJ. Then Carol Carter. She shows me into room where The Prosperos is having its annual banquet. Perry Dickey is the sole person in the room when I arrive.

October 6, 2022:  Wake up feeling sexually playful. Extinction Rebellion Empathy Circle form 10 a.m. to noon. Six of us. In ’til 1 p.m. Walk to G.P. Massage at East West Integrative with Tate. It was good. Tomorrow I will call Menhong. Go to C.B. The female owner’s beautiful son shoed up. I tried to catch his attention but he ignored me. Walk thru G.C.P. Sean’s garage open on Amethyst Way. Didn’t see him though. Go to M.S. Check out with Ian. He told me he likes to go to the Pharaoh resto on Geary, which is exactly across the street from where I used to live. #43 home.

October 6 dream:  We left somebody behind so we’re going after him. (h.o.)

October 6 dream:  Some drama at high school I am assigned to. Two of us rush there. There is a high-water creek flowing next to school. We dive in. Some other police are already holding some people. Earlier I had been waiting for someone to show up at the school I was originally assigned to.

October 6 dream:  At party in N.Y. Hot young guru talking about seeing an entity and that he thought it was from God. At first, I heard him say that it meant he didn’t believe in God. So, after asking for Calvin’s help, I tracked him down to get it right.

October 5, 2022:  Online work. Nap. Jerk off. In ’til 4:30ish. K to W.P. Kai and Faisal and Bruce at Peet’s. Find out Kai is studying film at SFSU. He gives me some films that he likes. East West Integrative calls me and I set up appointment tomorrow for massage. Decide not to take K to Castro today. On K home remember the old metaphysical adage to “Drop your bucket where you are” as I pass new Menhong building on Ocean. Get excited about their website when I get home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: A disharmonious psyche can lead to a disharmonious manifestation in one’s body or one’s affairs. Conclusion: The mind of Truth (my Mind) is entirely harmonious, entirely graspable, entirely doable.

October 4, 2022:  #29 and #38 to VA for shoe appointment with my favorite shoe doctor (other than Dr. Mah). We had a great conversation about old Victorian houses which he restores. Walk to Chinese “cupping” place on Irving. They are closed for 2nd day in a row. Stop by Chinese bakery to visit my Asian friend. Take N to Cole Valley. Go to Peet’s. Get sandwich from Luke’s for 2nd day in a row. Really happy to see my favorite sandwich maker and vice versa. Get anonymous call while in line at Luke’s. A very crowded #43 home. Sweet young high school guy offers me his seat, which I accept. He’s wearing a University of Maryland sweatshirt with a fighting turtle on his chest. I ask him if that’s a turtle. He says it’s a terrapin.

October 4 dream:  Getting paper ready for next edition. Our boss is a woman named Marion. I’m 2nd in charge.

October 4 dream:  Emceeing program that has something to do with my mother’s death.

October 4 dream:  Move into strangely creepy building with many floors and room and hallways. Just as we get it going again, word is given me that the landlord has arrived. I tell everyone to prepare for battle.

October 4 dream:  Something about Salem on the West Coast.

October 4 dream:  I’m about to lead my “troops” onto trail. Drink most of us were given may be laced with drugs.

October 4 dream:  Man interviewing “George 20” (George W. Bush). Man asks, “You didn’t become quite the bachelor, did you?” He gets defensive.

October 3, 2022:  In ’til 11:30. #29 to VA. Cute guy who got on with me gets off at Stonestown. Hawk on telephone pole on Sunset. (*Relates to anonymous call on October 4, I think.) Get off #38 early to talk to guy washing his VW on 38th Avenue. Then really good-looking construction worker on 38th Avenue who tries not to look at me. PT appointment with Carol at VA. Take pee next to butch guy. I withhold my pee to make him feel more manly. Then rush thru G.G. Park to Irving Street for shiatsu appointment. Turns out I made appointment at wrong place. Stop by Chinese bakery to see my Asian friend. Take N to Cole Valley. Go to Peet’s. Then get Vietnamese sandwich from my favorite sandwich maker at Luke’s. Wait for #43. It never comes. So I take #6. As I walk towards guy who reminds me of Chris H., my first boyfriend, other guy catches my eye. I talk with him briefly. As soon as I get off #6, #43 arrives right behind it.

October 3 dream:  Visit Dame Judy Dench at her big barn of a house along with a little baby, and it’s almost Wednesday, the day I agreed to take off. I mention this to Judy. She says nothing. Other guy says to someone else who was about to take off, “You’ve got to wait for the polling.”

October 3 dream:  Thane giving a two lesson Translation class.

October 2, 2022:  Sarah calls in a.m. Walk to 7-11. Notice Rajat’s deer tattoo on his middle finger. Take K to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s. I just order my drink but I can’t hide my excitement at seeing him again. (*Relates to shits from hier about the same time, I think.) High school student Evan also there. We had talked before about Grace Cathedral, his church. He’s a student at Urban High School in the Haight. He told me about the book Absolam, Absolam! by William Faulkner. Daniel there unexpectedly. He just stepped in for something to eat. On leaving, Sergio tells me it’s Nedim, not Nemid. Oh, well. Take K to Castro. Castro Street Fair wrapping up. Good to see so many people out and about. Just like the good ole days. Shirtless Asian guy leaning up against a post, smiling as I admire his physique. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. K home. Stop in at W.F. Check out with JoJo. He asks me, “What are you doing for the rest of your evening?” I thought he said, “What are you doing for the next few evenings?”

October 2 nap dream:  I went over to somebody’s house to get all the things she had taken from me. She gave them all back, but somehow took them back again. So I headed back to her house. (*Relates to anonymous call from October 3 which I presumed was from John and totally upended my thinking about Sergio, I think.)

October 2 dream:  Sent out mailing to entire membership. Run out of labels half way thru.

October 2 dream:  Owner of store above us agrees to let me pack up my suitcase of stuff. In the larger world, Charles has agreed to negotiate.

October 2 dream:  We transfer room into place where Trump can take his women. We bring in plants and a cat and a dog. He visits. I say, “We could even bring in your first wife.” Can’t remember her name. Someone tells me it’s Joys.

October 1, 2022:  Intro Empathy Circle from 10 a.m. to noon. 11 attended. I facilitated one of the breakout groups. Do bills and monthly BB. Take nap. Walk to G.P. Lee at liquor store. He talks about opera Anthony and Cleopatra. Feel sudden shits coming on. Rush to library. Take shits. Walk thru G.C.P. Almost trip on exiting. Then see Janet, the Coyote Lady. She smiles at me. Go to S.B. Chat briefly with Armando about aliens. I say, “If they are here, they need to step up.” He agrees. Go to M.S. See “Sir Allen” but only from the back. Follow biracial guy I like to #43 bus stop and take bus with him all the way to my stop and his. Insight: After I buy matcha latte from Armando, I take a sip and know it’s going to cause me pain if I drink the whole thing. So I put it down, but it feels like I’m betraying somebody.

September 30, 2022:  Get up at 7:30 a.m. for VA appointment at 9:30. Then shiatsu on Balboa Street. I wasn’t too impressed. They said I should leave a 20% tip. I left $5. Then walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. See my Asian bakery friend. Then N to Cole Valley. Guy sitting across from me put on a show, stretching and exposing his stomach. He never looked me in the eye but we certainly made a connection. Go to Peet’s. Then #43 home. Beautiful, gentle, dark-skinned guy sits across from me. At one point, we furtively connect. He gets off at CCSF stop as do I. Make massage appointment for Monday at more reputable-looking place on Irving Street.

September 30 dream:  Change my name back from Mike Love to Mike Zonta. Need to keep my aunt informed about my progress. Applying for a job.

September 29, 2022:  Extinction Rebellion Empathy Circle from 10 a.m. to noon. Four of us attend. Share my moments of self-observation with the group. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Nemid and Daniel there. Quiet day. K to Castro. Go to Buffalo Whole Food. Then M.S. in the Castro. Then Buffalo again. Walk up 19th Street to Kite Hill. Murder of crows on Kite Hill. I think this probably relates to John trying to connect with me. As I’m thinking this, man smiles at me. Up Market to #48. Hot blond guy sitting in back seats with his legs open. I sit near him. He’s ruggedly dressed but he has a pretty face. At one point he looks back at me and I pretend to be unimpressed. Take M and K home. Take photo of guy’s van. He smiles at me.

September 29 dream:  They are taking away some of the queen’s stuff in a truck. W.C. Fields helps out. They are trying to escape America.

September 28, 2022:  Go to VA for 1:30 appointment with Wilson Fong. Go to La Promenade Café after. Then walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Go to Asian bakery to see my friend from September 6. He’s still cute. Still sweet. Still hot. Run into Bruce at Beanery on 9th Avenue. #43 to Safeway. Check out with Sally. #43 again. Nice young long-haired CCSF student exits at Judson. I didn’t even get a chance to see his face. Though I did hear his voice thanking the bus driver as he exited. Feel bad that I didn’t get to connect with him.

September 28 dream:  Black woman telling me what it’s like to be black. At one point she starts crying. I think I should get up and embrace her but I realize it’s a dream. Also at one point, she had only one eye in the center of her forehead.

September 28 dream:  Go to big annual celebration of ship being turned around in port to block something. Lots of huge-wheeled vehicles driving into the water. Lots of black people.

September 28 dream:  Run into Alan Dunstan in factory. He’s a little taller and better-looking. After, several of us go out to eat. And my friend wants “Alan” to hook up with other guy.

September 27, 2022:  In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Meet Nalin on K train. He’s a freshman at Lick Wilmerding. He asked me about my camera. Turns out he also takes photos, mostly in black & white. We exchanged websites. Daniel and Nedim at Peet’s. Nedim goes to Bosnia on Saturday. Daniel busy. Guy in light blue shirt. (*Relates to last dream of September 26, I think.) Take K to Castro. Up 19th Street to Market to M.S. #43 home. Sit next to long-haired Asian guy in black shorts. Insight: The joy and terror from September 25 may be similar to the joy and terror I experienced with John in January of ’87 at the Unitarian Church. I always thought it was my terror of getting together with John that I experienced that day. Maybe in that moment of merge with John, I was experiencing John’s terror of getting together with me.

September 27 dream:  Guy murders someone and then apologies twice.

September 27 dream:  Wealthy associate is going away soon [It’s February in the dream] and won’t be back ’til November. He wants me to take care of something at The Prosperos.

September 26, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Nemid, Diego, nice barista at Peet’s. K to Castro. Up 19th Street to Market. As I’m thinking about getting umbilical hernia operation, handsome guy smiles at me. #48 to W.P. Sit next to very cute young skateboarder. I guess he’s used to guys looking at him ’cause he tries co cover his face. K home. Briefly miss my father in p.m.

September 26 dream:  Introducing Dan Rule to presidential candidate as possible VP candidate. Everyone has their masks on. (h.o.)

September 26 dream:  Woman I’m working for puts down $500, $50 and $50 donations ’cause she wants to stop the program she’s working on.

September 26 dream:  Joe Ciriello/Barry Bram working for S.F. Examiner delivery. I ask for a paper and talk to Barry for a while.

September 26 dream:  Thane at classroom. Also tall young man in scrubs who was trying to ignore me. (*Relates to young man in light blue shirt at Peet’s on September 27?)

September 25, 2022:  Online work. Nap. In ’til 3:45ish. Wait for K. See good-looking guy adjust his pants. Decide to follow him. Lose him but run into Joan from W.G. on next K train. She’s reading book called I’m Glad My Mom Died. Kai, Nemid and Evan at Peet’s. I didn’t get a change to speak with Evan. Take K to Castro. It’s Folsom Street Fair day. Shortly after passing 440 Club feel sudden surge of joy like I want to jump up and down. In retrospect I think John saw me and I unconsciously was aware of him. I reacted with joy. He reacted with terror. (*Relates to rat on Gennessee hier scurrying into side of home, I think.) Walk up 19th Street and Market to #48. Pretty woman smiles at me. K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. I ask him how late they stay open. He thought I was asking how late he’d be there.

September 25 dream:  I am ready. I am able. Someone else says to her, “You are anti-life.” She was trying to do something she was not ready for.

September 25 dream:  At bottom of form, I am informed in writing that I will become a Judge.

September 25 dream:  Very high tide. George McGovern yelling instructions at me which I don’t understand and don’t make sense. Somebody comes to my assistance.

September 24, 2022:  Intro Empathy Circle from 10 a.m. to noon. Ten of us. Great session. Online work. Nap. In ’til 4ish. Walk to G.P. Too late for C.B. Daniel (aka Leila) there. Go to library. Male librarian says, “Thanks, Michael” which kind of undoes me. Walk thru G.C.P. Annoying woman on cellphone. Then see another which turns into a young couple embracing each other. They smiles at me. I say, “Hello.” My pelvic pain has started up again. So does my feeling of being “in love” with John. Realize pelvic pain may be my body’s way of telling to get away from this guy. Go to S.B. Meet Armando, baristo who is studying astrophysics at SOTA. Go to M.S. Then #43 home. Interesting black guy gets off at Ridgewood stop. I get off to follow him. I follow him down Gennessee ’til he turns off. See rat scurrying into alley at home on Gennessee.

September 24 dream:  One Empathy Circle ends and another with the same people begins. (h.o.)

September 24 dream:  New dorm-mate brings in a lot of people, takes up a lot of space. I’m looking for lubricant to jerk off with. Finally find it. Also start talking to cute young guy who tells me about job he’s looking for.

September 24 dream:  I’m handing out tests to everyone. The tests look like my self-published book Adventures in Equality.

September 23, 2022:  Sarah calls in a.m. She and Jonathan are in Oklahoma City now. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s. I had expected Daniel to be there since he told me that he would be. But I think Daniel and Sergio are somehow one entity. As I’m leaving, I talk with Kai. Sergio comes up. I’m talking about the ivy plant. “Even though it looks pretty dry, there are some green shoots showing,” I say. Kai tells me “Valentine” was the person who is taking care of the plant. As I exit, homeless man with his ass out exits before me. (*I think the coyote from G.C.P. on September 21 relates to both Daniel and Sergio. When the coyote was calmly walking around, that was Daniel on September 22. When the coyote laid down in the grass, that was Sergio on September 23.) Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Up 19th Street to Market to #48. Loud teenage girls sitting behind me on #48. K home. Check out with Cole at W.F.

September 23 dream:  New couple instructed. Young woman tried to tell them what to wear. I’m afraid they’ll try to kill her.

September 23 dream:  Jewess cyclist trying to give advice to someone.

September 23 dream:  New crew brought in at work. “Are we being too serious?”

September 22, 2022:  Finally connect with Extinction Rebellion Empathy Circle briefly. Will attend next Thursday. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Daniel surprises me at Peet’s. I didn’t think he ‘d be there. We commiserated about the death of the Queen. Later he takes a photo of the two of us and sends it to me. (*Relates to coyote from hier, in part, I think.) Bruce there too. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. Girl at 14th Avenue smiles at me. I sit near her on K. When there are only two of us left on train, she grabs her purse. I did a little dance as I exited the train. Shits on getting home.

September 22 dream:  Move in with a sort of diva. Can’t find my pants. There’s broken glass on the floor. She’s in the bathroom. I want to take a bath. I ask her if she minds me using the bathroom when she is. She’s brushing her teeth.

September 22 dream:  Male nurse shot, but laying down chewing gum. EMT Marlon Wayans crying hysterically.

September 21, 2022:  John calls in a.m. (*See nap dream of September 20.) In ’til 3:15ish. Walk to G.P. Go to Cafe Bello. Then library. Walk thru G.C.P. See coyote very calming walking, then lying down. #52 to Forest Hill. K home. Young Asian guy on K who I cruise. We both get off at same spot. I stand behind him for a few moments. Then he takes off running. Nice grocery clerk at W.F. who helped me find salt-free cashews. Check out with taciturn Jade.

September 21 dream:  It’s a nice day. We’re about to leave. I say, “I’m going to jump in the pool.” Someone says, “Mike, don’t.” I jump in. It’s nice. Some woman is swimming right towards me. So I hop out.

September 20, 2022:  Up early. Online work. Nap. In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Three high school boys talking about cooking lasagna. Daniel, Nemid, Numan at Peet’s. Daniel wishes me a “good rest of your day” as I leave, which is a little cooler than his usual farewell. I think it relates to me saying I was going to go to the Castro hier. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Up 19th Street to Market to #48. Sit near cute young guy with his legs spread apart. K home. Cute Asian boy leading his father or grandfather around. W.F. Stand in line with new cashier I had never met before. Get sandwich from place down the road. Email VA about my umbilical hernia. (Is this the sign of a rebirth?)

September 20 nap dream:  Small dog and cat with bloody mouth confront each other face to face. Eventually they kiss. Later some cats try to take my lunch. (*First part relates to me walking by 440 Club on September 20 and second part relates to John calling me on September 21, I think.)

September 20 dream:  Me and another guy are supposed to judge Jordan Peterson.

September 20 dream:  Attend class, then 2nd class. Get so excited about the 2nd class, I forget the 3rd class. Facilitator wants me to join his class again on Monday.

September 20 dream:  Two female sex workers come to our room. My friend pulls a curtain around his bed. There is a female assistant who at one point winks at one of the sex workers. I think, “That woman is the sexist thing that has happened.” We both (my male friend and I) have papier-mâché bracelets on.

September 19, 2022:  Insight: Realize John is in my life to get me to acknowledge that I am a psychopath just like he is. Of course, my psychopathy is well-hidden, but that doesn’t mean it’s not still there. Witness my reaction (or lack thereof) to my mother’s death. So how does someone who claims to come from God become a psychopath? By using my claimed association with God as an excuse to disassociate from everybody else. Also, when my father allegedly molested me, I didn’t have to dissociate ’cause I was already disassociated. In ’til 3ish. Take K to W.P. See young man on Ocean Avenue. Get off K at Junipero Serra. Guy has T-shirt saying “Respect not Drama.” It was designed by his brother Hans, he told me. Walk up to W.P. Follow skateboarder to Eezy-Freezy. Strike up conversation with young cashier there. Daniel, Stephanie and other baristas at Peet’s. I give Daniel flashlight I got at Cliff’s. He gives me free drink. He sort of invites me back tomorrow. I say that I have to go to the library tomorrow. But I think I’ll go to Peet’s instead. Bruce there also. K to Castro. Get pizza at Marcello’s. Not very good. Walk up Market to M.S. Check out with Ian. Guy on #43 who I followed a bit after we both exit at same stop. He has a great ass. Insight: Expression “thorn in my side” may relate to my pelvic pain  [I originally wrote psychic pain.].

September 19 nap dream after September 19 insight:  Go to family reunion. My father is there with Harriet. We don’t speak about anything in particular, but we do get along. At one point I think, “Should we be talking about anything?” But I don’t think we needed to. I walk out with my grandfather, but I’m not sure who he was the father to.

September 19 dream:  Bob Dylan looks really young as I meet him briefly.

September 18, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk on Ocean. Follow cute Asian guy all the way to Junipero Serra Blvd. He gets on K as do I. Go to W.P. Kai and Nemid at Peet’s. Begin to feel “shitty.” Decide to take K home. Stop by W.F. Check out with Cole. Shits on getting home about 6 p.m. Work on book.

September 17, 2022:  See photo in the Chron of woman grieving ’cause her son is off to college. Think of my step-mother Harriet. Feel bad she never got the opportunity to feel that. In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Daniel and Stephanie at Peet’s. Daniel broke the flashlight I gave him on the 13th. Take K to Castro. Run into Christian on Castro not far from 440 Club. We talk for quite a while. While we are talking I think how I’d much rather be talking to him than talking to John. At one point in the conversation, Duchess, the female dog, kind of goes crazy chasing her tail. After, go to Cliff’s to buy new flashlight for Daniel. Later go back into Cliff’s to briefly follow beautiful young man. Walk up Market to M.S. Start thinking maybe I should have asked Christian and his dogs to spend the night since it’s supposed to rain. Got burrito from burrito lady. #43 home. Decide I did okay with Christian by not inviting him home. I think I wasn’t there to give him shelter from the rain. I was there to give him something else.

September 17 dream:  Working at new job with boss I don’t particularly like. I was supposed to do some photocopying. But she gives me document with carbon copies.

September 17 dream:  Weight down to 120.

September 17 dream:  Some friends of mine trick me into shooting an arrow at something.

September 17 dream:  P.O. Is flooded . I go upstairs where they used to sell stamps. It’s a DVD store now. Guy says, “You American?” I say, “You’re not American?” he says, “No, I’m batman.”

September 16, 2022:  Headline for cycling video refers to “bodies, bikes and groovy music.” I’m  triggered that men are being objectified for their sexual attractiveness. Feel hurt. Then ask I myself, “What else do you feel?” Then I get mad. Then I get anonymous phone call. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to Cafe Bello. Listen to YT about empathy circles. Lou talks about giving up sugar and losing 16 pounds which inspires me to do likewise. I only quit smoking back in the ’80s ’cause it hurt my lungs. Now I guess my body is telling me I need to quit sugar as well. I am resistant ’cause I think I should be allowed to smoke and eat what I want. Why do I have to be different from everybody else? (*See 2nd dream of September 15.) Walk thru G.C.P. See snake with yellow stripe on its back. Meet architecture student from SOTA while waiting for #43. #43 home. Go to W.F. Check out with Min. He tells me it’s his last day. Having no more connections at W.F., does this mean it’s time for me to move on?

September 16 dream:  At medical conference in some hotel. Forgot my room number. The remembered it was probably on my key. (h.o.)

September 16 dream (cont.):  Guy talking about me says, “I don’t mind him. I do have a problem with his wife.” She’s from Xavier University. (*I think the wife he is referring to is John.}

September 15, 2022:  Extinction Rebellion Empathy Circle unreachable for 2nd week in a row. Online work. Sarah calls. She upsets me. I don’t think she even know that I’m gay. Nap. Walk to W.G. K to W.P. Bruce at Peet’s. He tells me Fred Cline is okay and back home with a live-in care giver named Jim. K to Castro. Attractive young Asian guy at Market & Castro. Walk up Market. #48 to W.P. K home.

September 15 dream:  Ben shows me a copy of the program for Assembly for next year. I’m really excited to attend. (h.o.)

September 15 dream:  Climbing down a hodge-podge of pillars made of styrofoam-type material. One of the climbers knocked one of the pillars over. Some pillars are more sturdy than others. John is supposed to be down on the ground somewhere. (*I think this relates to some conclusions I came to recently about my pelvic pain. See diary of September 11.)

September 15 dream:  I am the astronaut who flew around the moon in order to pick up the two other astronauts who had landed on the moon.

September 14, 2022:  Empathy Circle production team from 9 a.m. to 10:40ish. Six or seven attended. Online work. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.G. K to W.P. No Sergio. No Daniel. Read more from Rimbaud. Take K to Castro. Walk up Market. Cute guy in hoodie. #52 and K home. Shits on arriving home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: My body is more intelligent than my intellect. Conclusion: Being smart is natural and painless to all. Feel that applies to me feeling more intelligent than my father and trying desperately to hide that from him. Hear on New Amsterdam: “I’ve heard death described as the introduction of ink into water.”

September 14 nap dream:  Woman I assist got in argument with Melissa over her mini skirt and a skirt she had borrowed from Melissa’s mother. I threw away the garbage, but looked through it to make sure I didn’t throw away anything valuable.

September 14 dream:  Bus driving north to Santa Cruz almost drives off the road into the ocean as the road slowly disappears.

September 13, 2022:  In ’til 3:15ish. Hot friendly floor installer on elevator. Walk to W.G. K to W.P. Sergio and Daniel at Peet’s. They give me a whole lemon cake whose expiration date is tomorrow. As I leave, I give Daniel a small flashlight which I got in the mail. I told him he could use it to write down his dreams at night. As I reached doorway, I turned around and said good-bye to Sergio. Take K to Castro. Give lemon cake to homeless guy who smiled at me. Up 19th Street to Market. Boy riding his bike rides up to me and points out his house to me. #48 to W.P. Young Japanese guy standing behind me at Muni stop disappears when I look around later. K home. Go to W.F. Then McD. Stand next to sweet guy in line whose partner is waiting for him at a table. Update: Am I mad at John? No. Who else would have been able to show me the relationship I had with my father: my childish expectation of having an adult relationship with him.

September 13 dream:  Put document in fax again to find out where it came from.

September 13 dream:  MYOTTC or some such initials.

September 13 dream:  Doing interviews with in French on music scene which we knew nothing about.

September 13 dream:  Facilitator isn’t listening to me.

September 13 dream:  My roommate has allowed ants to invade our room.

September 13 dream:  Get some ear wax out of left ear.

September 12, 2022:  Intro Empathy Circle from 10 a.m. to noon. Good group. Six of us attended, including Selene and Renato. Renato brought up the subject of suicide. In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to 7-11. See Rajat. K to W.P. Douglas and Daniel at Peet’s. I give Douglas copy of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. I think we were both thrilled. Later talk with Daniel. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Take photo of sign on the ground reading “HUNGry.” Homeless guy smiles at me. Then waiter outside resto smiles at me. In next block outside diner says to me, “Make sure you have your keys.” Walk up 19th Street to Market to M.S. See “Sir Allen.” Check out with Ian who told me he just got back from UFC match in Vegas. I ask him if he saw Joe Rogan. He says he did. #43 home. Update: Now my body, more and more, is beginning to feel like my own, not John’s, not my father’s.

September 12 dream:  Take a trip to Portland, Oregon.

September 11, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.G. Nice female cashier and cute male customer. K to W.P. Stephanie at Peet’s. K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Lots of people waiting in line at Castro Theatre. Walk up 19th Street to Market Street. Catch #48 to W.P. K home. Insight: Realize cause of my pelvic pain is not my father, not my distant past. It’s my relationship with John. Later realize my body has been trying to give me this message since 1997 or so, that my fantasy of having a sexual relationship with John is not a viable option. Thus the pelvic pain. (*See first dream of September 10 about sweeping up human shit. Also to first dream of September 9 about a malevolent presence in my house [my psyche and/or my body].) Does this mean I also was holding a torch for my father, which I can now extinguish? I think so.

September 11 dream:  Trying to make a call to Sacramento with somebody with a 213 area code, our local S.F. area code.

September 11 dream:  Guy buys dinner for me and a friend at expensive resto.

September 11 dream:  Go to friend of Thane’s house. I ask for an Old Fashioned. He gives me a drink. I take it.

September 11 dream:  At party in Laguna Beach in ’69. Cree asks me if I want to go out.

September 11 dream:  Have a sort of intervention. My friends tell me I need a more structured (or less structured ) relationship.

September 10, 2022:  Online work. Nap. In’ til 3:30ish. Decide to wear my “Save the Bees” T-shirt which I bought in support of Sergio’s “Save the Bees” T-shirt. (*See diary of July 11.) Walk to 7-11. Talk with Rajat. K to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s for 3rd day in a row. I didn’t know he’d be there but wore my T-shirt for his benefit. We talked briefly and later he passed by me with my jacket off several times, exposing the “Save the Bees” logo. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Then double back to follow cute guy. Pass 440 Club again. Take photo of Sutro Tower. Homeless guy says, “Don’t do that.” I say, “Why not?” He says, “”Cause it’s rude.” When I don’t respond, he says, “Baby Boomer!” Walk up Market to burrito lady. #43 home. Insight: First dream of last nite (September 9) relates to getting out of the house of John’s influence, his power over me, which power I ceded to him just like I ceded my power to my father.

September 10 dream:  Guy sweeping up human shit on floor of Indian (the country) building. I wish they would finish this part of the “movie.” (See diary of September 11.)

September 10 dream:  Tom’s oldest young son says to me, “Maybe we could do something together, like Pop Warner baseball.” My heart sinks ’cause I’m not very good at baseball. I say, “Sure, but first we have to find [the family dog].” We see a lot of dogs that took scruffy, white and small.

September 10 dream:  Drive to new neighborhood in S.F. I say, “OK guys, this is our new neighborhood, if you want.” Someone else says, “It took years to get this way.” There was slush on the ground. A couple of old church buildings. One woman says, “This is where I sent the package.” We go into restroom. Stall door open. I head in. Then catch myself. I say, “I don’t know why I always go into an open door.” Then everyone (mostly girls) start giggling. I wonder if I’m supposed to join them.

September 9, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Just Sarah and me. In ’til 3:30ish Walk to Jules. K to W.P. Sergio and Daniel at Peet’s. Don’t talk much with either. As I leave, I say good-bye to Daniel, knowing I’m saying good-bye to Sergio as well. K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Up 19th Street and Market to M.S. Go to checkout line. Put my groceries down. Then see “Sir Allen” at adjoining checkout stand. Take my groceries off the belt and go to his checkout stand. #43 home. Bill Chiles email talked about the importance of the North Node in the Queen’s chart. So I looked up mine. It’s 21 degrees Gemini, which explains the Bathtub Bulletin for one thing. Insight: I was never all there ’til I met Thane. My defense in a world l didn’t trust was to withdraw.

September 9 dream:  Rerun dream. The house is being taken over by an invisible malevolent force or at least it’s invisible. At the end, mother and daughter escape but a tree grows just outside the gate instead of the stump which had been there before. It felt like we had to get out of there or it would kill us.

September 9 dream:  Talk to guy on bench who said he would have gotten in there and hit the demonstrators.

September 9 dream:  He lunged at me. I took my shirt off. And he lunged at me.

September 8, 2022:  Get up early for me. Online work. Tried to attend Extinction Rebellion empathy circle at 10 a.m. my time, but they never started the meeting. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Insight: People sometimes dissociate during a trauma. On the other hand, most of us are already dissociated from our divinity. Walk to 7-11. Talk briefly with Rajat. Walk to W.P. Sergio, Bruce, Faisal at Peet’s. Don’t speak much at all with Sergio. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Take #35 to G.P. Walk to Safeway. Meet beautiful Hawaiian surfer (at least that’s what his T-shirt said). Get in checkout line behind him. Watch his mouth and eyes smile at me, if only indirectly. #43 home.

September 8 dream:  Talk to brown-haired John. He half-listens. Then rides off on his bike.

September 8 dream:  Caught in the act. I’m jerking off. My roommate comes home unexpectedly. I cover up quickly and say, “Caught in the act.”

September 8 dream:  I take pee a floor above where my step-mother Harriet comes over. Later see older woman with dress on which looks like stone column nearby.

September 7, 2022:  Empathy Circle production team from 9 to 11 a.m. People questioned my idea that empathy circles can be used for self-observation and self-transcendence. Edwin said, “We’re not going to give a ‘trigger warning,’” as if that was what I was advocating. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then library. Walk thru G.C.P. Catch #48. See “Shiatsu” in store window as we pass. Will follow up on that. Catch K in W.P. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Trauma can cause major health issues. Conclusion: Truth is unfazed, indiscriminate wholeness.

September 7 dream:  Rush to catch bullet train. Just miss it for 2nd time. Guy talks to woman in French. I can almost understand it. Tiny prick of blood on my finger.

September 7 dream:  Switch girlfriends with my best friend. Three couples attending same graduation event.

September 6, 2022:  Buddy call with Colin in Berlin at 11 a.m. my time, 8 p.m. his time. We are both interested in the concept of self-empathy. Take #29 and #38 to VA for chest X-ray followup. See “Waterloo” on the way. Leave my phone on my seat on my way off of #29. Fellow passenger points it out to me. Several loud, rowdy, rude kids on way. I think that relates to my experience at the VA. Go to La Promenade Café. Nice young guy sitting next to me. Walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Walk up Irving to 9th Avenue. Buy Asian pastry from cute Asan man with mask and apron on. We smile with our eyes. Run into another hot guy on Irving. Then a tall, handsome, well-dressed young man in front of cellphone store. He ignores me. Hear a loud argument or fight as I pass resto on Irving. Turn corner at 9th Avenue. Run into Bruce at table outside the Beanery. He tells me Fred Cline has had a stroke and is in the hospital. #43 home. Go to Pakwan. My friend serves me. Watch Melancholia movie in p.m. Remember I had seen it before. This time it meant something to me.

September 6 dream:  In the dream I knew this was a rerun. Detective investigates crime. Begins his interrogation with a flare and applause from those who know him.

September 5, 2022:  Intro Empathy Circle from 10 a.m. to noon. Very spirited conversation, starting with Valerie saying she didn’t believe in time. That excited me ’cause I had just posted a blog on the BB about Parmenides which said the same thing. So a synchronistic moment. In ’til 3ish. Walk to 7-11. Talk with Rajat. He tells me my lotto ticket is not a winner. K to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. Talked briefly with him. Bruce there also. K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Up 19th Street to Market to M.S. “Sir Allen” and I greet each other. Check out with Ian. #43 home.

September 5 dream:  Reading magazine in front yard of somebody’s house. Couple of other people doing that as well. The owner looks out the window. I decide it’s time to leave. Run into guy who wants to talk to me.

September 5 dream:  L.A. trying to claim all its contingent parts. Me wiping my ass.

September 5 dream:  Chicago town.

September 4, 2022:  Online work. Take hour nap. Wake up twice gasping for air. (*Relates to first dream of September 2, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to 7-Eleven. Buy paper. Talk with Rajat. K to W.P. Douglas and Nemid at Peet’s. Quiet day. Read “Colorado State routed” in newspaper. Take K to Castro. Lock eyes with blue-eyed guy just ahead of 440 Club. Up 19th Street and Market. #48 to W.P. K home. Check out with Jade at W.F.

September 3, 2022:  Final day of Empathy Circle facilitation training from 9:30 a.m. to 1 p.m. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Daniel and Stephanie and new barista at Peet’s. Douglas comes in briefly on his day off and gets a Danish. Business was slow. Daniel and Stephanie and new barista all come over to my table. Barista made us all small little strawberry frappés. Daniel is calling himself Tyre$e today. Tyre$e has lots of money. On my way out, I share my Empathy Circle YouTube video with Tyre$e. He says, “I didn’t know you were famous.” I say, “I didn’t know you were rich.” Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. K home.

September 3 dream:  Thane about to start class. Guy sitting next to me starts giggling. Hopes I’ll join in.

September 3 dream:  Cleaning up my room. Getting ready for something.

September 3 dream:  I found out that Mary Ritley committed suicide.

September 3 dream:  William Fennie’s talk is pretty well-attended.

September 2, 2022:  Get up early for me. In ’til 3ish. K to W.P. Douglas and Sergio and Nemid at Peet’s. At one point it looked like Sergio touched Douglas in an intimate way and my mind took off. They were sleeping together and I was intensely jealous and angry, mostly at Sergio. As I leave, Douglas says good-bye. I was trying to leave without being noticed. Take K to Castro. See “Not So.” Feel bouncy happy. Think it relates to young man waiting outside for a haircut. I talk to him briefly. My happiness was not related to him. So I assume it related to John at 440 Club. Walk up 19th Street to Market. Wait for bus with young boy. I say, “Are you waiting for the #52?” He says he is. But then, after we both got on, he says, “Is this the #52? I need the #48.” So he gets off at next stop. Take K from Forest Hill. Go to W.F. Check out with Min. He tries to ignore me again. In p.m. feel in love with both Sergio and Douglas. Kahlil Gibran said it this way: “To know the pain of too much tenderness.”

September 2 dream:  Getting in fight with someone as we were trying to get started.

September 2 dream:  Meeting someone at Clayton and Market bus stop.

September 1, 2022:  Call Symetra to close my account. Feels good to take control of my own money. Bills. Monthly BB. Nap. Walk to 7-Eleven. See Rajat. K to W.P. See job ad for Marcello’s Pizza on telephone pole. Interpret that to mean I should go to the Castro. Faisal (Baristo #3) at Peet’s. Also cute young skateboarder who I intentionally sit near. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up 19th Street. Pass man in tight shorts looking for sex. Then pass somebody who looks sort of like John but older, heavier, more effeminate. But he did have John’s shit-eating grin shining through his eyes. Not sure if it was “real” John or tulpa John. (*Relates to shits from hier at 6:30 p.m., I think.) Walk up 19th Street to Market to M.S. #43 home. Smile at #429 lady as she descends stairway.

September 1 dream:  Really good-looking guy getting on merry-go-round.

August 31, 2022:  Empathy Circle production team on Zoom from 9 a.m. to 11 a.m. 9 or so attend. Nap. In’ til 3:30ish. K to W.P. Bruce and Baristo #3 at Peet’s. Take shits there about 5:30ish. (*Relates to John reading diary from August 29?) Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Take shits again when I get home around 6:30 p.m. (*Relates to seeing John-like guy on 19th Street on September 1?) Translate in p.m. Sense testimony:  I am a slave to my father. Conclusion: Truth is infinite being in the present tense, fatherless, motherless, childless, endless.

August 31 dream:  Building nest in Berkeley. It’s to help with the water situation. Nancy Pelosi is against it but will take credit afterwards. (h.o.)

August 31 dream:  Helping gal get into her apartment and she is helping me. We have to climb over lots of things. She says to me, “I hope you’re having a good time.” I laugh, “I’m having a ball.” Guy wants us to go out and get supplies. We’ll have to go the wrong way on the freeway for a while,

August 31 dream:  Some local Malanaphy kids find some baby orcas in a pond and took about half of them to a pond nearer to them. Later they showed me permission papers from the Navy. I say, “I remember when I thought it was so cool to type.”

August 30, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Bernie barista there. Go to G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Start feeling pelvic pain. Come up with sense testimony: “I am a slave to my father.” Looking forward to Translate that. Get #48. Lots of loud young black women. Wait for K in W.P. See homeless person on the ground across the street. Other guy and I wonder what’s up with him. I go over to talk with him. Turns out he’s a she. Other guy follows me over. We try to help her. Finally she gets up on her own. Take M, then K home.

August 30 dream:  We’re doing empathy circles one by one. (h.o.)

August 29, 2022:  Intro Empathy Circle from 10 a.m. to noon. Ivan Ames attends. Says he heard about it from John. I think he was referring to my John. (*Relates to mouse scurrying across upper Market Street hier, I think.) At end of our session I say, “It took a long time, but I feel heard.” I was addressing the group but I think it might also be applicable to my relationship with John. Later have buddy call with Jonathan in the East Bay. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Douglas and Baristo #3 at Peet’s. Finish Galaxy. Not impressed. Take K to Castro. See “Useful.” Walk past 440 Club. Then up 19th Street and Market to M.S. Check out with Ian. #43 home. Black guy with low-rise pants on bus. W.F. Check out with Harrold. In p.m. think about marrying John. Lights in apartment flicker.

August 29 dream:  Guy trying to make extra-linear connection. (h.o.)

August 29 dream:  People who were firing me wanted me to sign all sorts of messy legal work. “Tomascino” was one of the words listed.

August 28, 2022:  Get excited about nice mobile home in Corvallis which I can afford. Walk Ocean to K. Talk with Joan at W.G. K to W.P. Bruce, Douglas at Peet’s. Daniel not there as he indicated he would be. Read most of Galaxy. Nice talk with Bruce who said he was a Qigong teacher. He also complimented me on my weight. Made me a little self-conscious. As I leave, I do my impression of a Qigong movement. Take K to Castro. Cute guy on corner. Pass 440 Club. Homeless guy gives me dirty look. Woman on next block of Castro smiles at me. Walk up 19th Street to Market. Mouse scurried by on upper Market. #48 to W.P. Cute young blond guy with snug pink patterned shorts gets off looking very serious. My tongue is hanging out. K to W.F. Check out with Harrold (with two “r”s) Go to Pakwan. My Pakwan friend gives me my garlic naan. Go to W.F. second time for biscotti. My belly button responds to cute guy in tight T-shirt. Insight: Linda Bass (my mother0 was trying to get in the way of me being loved by my father (Sayantan). (See diary from hier.)

August 28 dream:  Visit my friend in resto he/she is working at. I say, “Are you a hostess?” Then I notice she’s male. “Host,” she says, “Let me introduce you.” Her boyfriend is there. I tell them about apartment in town I just bought. Guy says, “We don’t have any openings.” So I said, “So this Ia a real opportunity for me to look elsewhere.” He said, “Yeah.” I gave him the finger, three times.

August 28 dream:  Spend last three days of six-day Prosperos Assembly. I stay in Maureen Malanaphy’s room. She went back to Hawaii. I try to explain who the Malanaphys are to my therapist. Young man brings in Grandma Smith for a shower. She is having trouble getting around. I empathize with her.

August 27, 2022:  Buddy call with Beata in London, UK, at 9 a.m. She works with the homeless. Session 4 of Empathy Circle Facilitators training from 9:30 – 1 p.m. Towards the end of our session, I said we should probably wrap up so we’d have a few minutes at the end to have a general group discussion. Sayantan (from India) said I could go ahead and take my turn to speak if I wanted. Linda Bass, the trainer, interrupted and told Sayantan that I was the facilitator and I was in charge of the group and that whatever I say goes. I felt hurt that she thought that I couldn’t handle the situation myself and that I needed to be defended. Which, I think, relates to the relationship I had with my mother. (*Relates to dream of August 26?) Do online work. Tape nap. Go out to Vietnamese resto. Read more Galaxy book. Three very cute Asian guys come into resto. I walk past them on my way out. Go to McD’s. A few young kids out on a Saturday nite. More online work. No exercise today (other than emotional).

August 27 dream:  Dream I am taking a pee (but I still feel like I need to take a pee). They want to make up call with guy on counter who wants me to do something illegal.

August 26, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group this a.m. with Sarah and me. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to 7-Eleven on Ocean. Talk with Rajat. K to W.P. Kai and Stephanie at Peet’s. Insight: Wondered why I felt like promoting Prosperos online event even though we had such a bad relationship.  Much like my family. Regardless of how terrible our relationship was, I would still support them. Which probably could be said of me and John as well. Take K to Castro. Take photo of guy wearing a crown. Makes me happy. Then pass 440 Club. Up 19th Street to Market to #48 to W.P. Go to Squat & Gobble for vegetarian fajita. It was a long wait in an empty resto. Take K home.

August 26 dream:  In really beautiful part of S.F. take lots of photos. My camera runs out of film. Go to hole in the wall to get more film. Girl helps me.

August 25, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. K to W.P. It gets stuck on the way. I get out early. Sergio and Daniel at Peet’s. Sergio greets me but we on’t talk. I do talk with Daniel as I leave. Also Bruce. Read up to half of Galaxy book. Still not convinced it’s all that great. Take K to Castro. See “Experience God” on poster at Forest Hill. I try to take photo but my camera refuses. Run into Christian and his wife and dogs as I exit Castro station. Pass 440 Club. Go to S.B. on 18th Street to congratulate them on their unionization. They were happy I came in. Walk up 19th Street and up Market to M.S. Check out with Ian who told me he’s taking driving lessons. #43 home.

August 25 dream:  Work for a law firm on Avenue of the Americas in New York, but the nice part of N.Y. Barry Bram there. Thank, “I’d work anywhere with him.”

August 25 dream:  Collie’s 20th birthday today. She gets her … Owner puts hat on her. I embrace and pet her.

August 25 dream:  I’m going to do a load of wash for a little girl. Young woman wants me to try the rice she’s going to serve at the wedding. She has a crush on me. I look at her colorful underwear beneath her loose white dress.

August 24, 2022:  Empathy Circle production team from 9 a.m. to 11. About 8 attended. Come up with four simple lines of what you can expect to get out of an empathy circle. Nap. In ’til 3:45ish. K to W.P. Kai there. Also Nemid. Talk with young boy reading Sherlock Holmes at the table next to mine. Unkempt fat guy comes up and talks to me about my camera. My letter to the editor about a UC campus in downtown San Francisco makes today’s Chronicle. Talk to Kai on way out about the book Beautiful Boy, which he’s reading. Take K to Castro. Sit across from guy I had made a connection with earlier. He stayed on his phone. Pass 440 Club in the Castro. Up 19th Street to Market to #43 home. Get off at MUB building. Black guy rushing towards me says, “How’s the city?” I say, “Cold.” He laughs.

August 23, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Safeway. Cute young runner on Monterey. Go to G.P. Run into Marcus, my Hemingway friend. Go to C.Bv. Jessica there. Barista who I didn’t like was wearing a Bernie T-shirt as was I. So now I like her. Also hot young guy with Swathmore T-shirt. As I exit, we chat. He just started a job at Google in Mountain View His last job was las summer for Goldman Sachs, I think he said. He said he wore business casual like button-downs as compared to T-shirts and shorts at Google. I say, “That’s quite a change in cultures.” Walk thru G.C.P. Go to M.S. briefly. Then S.B. Read a few more chapters from Galaxy. #43 home. Feel bad/sad about my Swathmore friend in p.m.

August 22, 2022:  Intro Empathy Circle at 10 a.m. Shared my idea that empathy circles allow me to observe the pettiness within me and to get rid of it. Sally, who was my active listener, really got it. And that unnerved me. Walk and K to W.P. Bruce at Peet’s and Baristo #3. See short guy in black near W.P. station. As I come nearer, he seemingly disappears. Walk Monterey to Safeway. Have fun conversation with checkout guy. He says of the half pumpkin pie I bought, “I hope your wife doesn’t see that.” I say, “That would be a problem if I had a wife.” See and talk with Jesse as I wait for #43. #43 home.

August 21, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio and Douglas at Peet’s. Douglas is wearing glasses and looks really hot. I tell him, “You look like a movie star.” Talk briefly with Sergio. He tells me he’s begun the book I gave him and think’s he’ll like it. I tell him I finished the first chapter of the book he recommended to me. Take K to Castro. Go to S.B. on 18th Street. They’re closed again. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Market. Get on #48. Run into “Sir Allen” on the bus. We exchange smiles as I exit. Take K. Then get off to check out guy on sidewalk. Then walk to Ocean Avenue. Take K again. Talk to cute guy sitting across from me reading The Witchers. He says it’s really good. I tell him I’ll check it out. Get off at Jules. Walk home.

August 21 dream:  Cleaning up after a party at a relative’s home. I’m about to do the dishes. Someone says I should keep some of the old stuff.

August 21 dream:  Watching movie at cafe. Just zoning out.

August 20, 2022:  3rd session of Empathy Circle Facilitator Training. 30 or so attend. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s. Give Sergio copy of Stranger in a Strange Land. He was pleased. As I was leaving, we talk. I’m reading the book he recommended: Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Learned he and I both studied French and he speaks Spanish as well. Feel like something is developing with Sergio. (*See diary of July 14. Maybe losing my phone at Gay Pride parade relates to losing my relationship both with The Prosperos and with John.) Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Go to 18th Street S.B. to congratulate them on unionizing. But they were closed. Pass black guy sitting on Castro, holding his erect dick. Walk up Market. Cross street on red light. Driver yells out window, “Could be dangerous.” At first I took it at face value, but then thought it might relate to me and Sergio. Go to M.S. Then get burrito from burrito lady. #43 home. Insight: Listen to Darryl Robert Schoon video in p.m. He says that feeling powerless is also a feeling which should not be suppressed. That resonated with me in regards to the tenant in the apartment above me and also in relationship to my father.

August 20 dream:  Run for president of B.A.R. In Germany.

August 20 dream:  Pour last cup of tea to make someone better. Tom O. wants to give up. But I say, “Give it a try.”

August 20 dream:  I escape from guy chasing me for now. I’m wearing yellow shorts.

August 20 dream:  Moving the school. Another school moves in where we were.

August 19, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group with me and Sarah at 11 a.m. Get excited ’cause Veterans United Home Loans say they now give out loans for manufactured homes, the only homes I could possibly afford. Nap. In ’til 4ish. Walk to G.P. Jessica (*See diary of May 3) at C.B. We don’t speak. G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Go to M.S. Then leave when they don’t have biscotti. Go to CVS. Wait in line for cute cashier who doesn’t know what biscotti are. #43 home. Go to W.F. They have biscotti. Check out with Cole instead of Min who’s talking with somebody.

August 19 dream:  Having to go up wall with my flip-flops on. Wall doesn’t work. (*Relates to trying to get a moment to speak with Sergio at work on August 20, I think.)

August 18, 2022:  Ten year anniversary of living at 352 Brighton. In ’til 12:30. Go to VA for 2 p.m. appointment with Carol at P.T. She gives me a few exercises for my lower back. Go to La Promenade Cafe. Then walk thru G.G. Park to Irving Street. Walk Irving Street from 34th Avenue to 9th Avenue. Didn’t realize the commercial area was so large. I loved it. Gay guy smiles at me on Irving. Go to P.O. Then Arizmendi Bakery. Gay baker smiles at me. #43 home.

August 18 dream:  I was sleeping in bed next to my sister Laurie in her bed and somebody touched my leg. I said, “That’s not right.” I wake up in the dream [and otherwise]. (h.o.)

August 18 dream:  Radio show with disgruntled female jazz singer who mentioned she’d be appearing with 55 others in upcoming show. Two or three others in group including me.

August 17, 2022:  Empathy Circle production team at 9 a.m. About 7 or 8 attend. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Stephanie, J.P., Baristo #3 at Peet’s. Feel very sad for a few minutes. Not sure why. On leaving accidentally touch arms with J.P. as I’m stretching and he’s walking by. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Market. Go to M.S. Check out with Ian for second day in a row. He asks me about my photography. I tell him, “I just started doing it.” Get small pizza to go at Roundtable. Nice worker there. #43 home. Just 3 of us on board. Take photo of big red truck as I get home. Guy rushes out of his cab and wants to know why I’m photographing him. He thought I was trying to get him into trouble for parking in the middle of the street. I assured him I just thought that he had a nice truck.

August 17 dream:  Packing up dirty dishes from today. Someone wants me to wait for them to finish eating. Me and other guy pack two duffel bags and put in storage. There will probably be one more. Thane there, looking older. I think he’s never going to be the same. Tom C. is no longer with him.

August 17 nap dream:  Fat guy grabs apple fritter while I’m still thinking about it. I get apple turnover.

August 17 nap dream:  White statue of liberty in Castro &18th Street window.

August 17 nap dream:  Walk into apt. Others there. It’s warm. Decide to go downstairs and join my friend and his girlfriend in the pool. Look for my swimsuit.

August 16, 2022:  “Buddy call” with Tania in Beirut, Lebanon, at 10:45 a.m. Talk for over an hour. Nap. In ’til 3:45ish. Take K to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s. We talk briefly. I tell him I’m starting the book he recommended to me, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I recommended to him, again: Stranger in a Strange Land. Take K to Castro. Beautiful guy in black shorts and black T-shirt with his almost black dog. Pass 440 Club. Homeless woman with her breast partially exposed. Walk up Market. Young guy at Clipper and Portola walking with his girlfriend, smiles at me. Go to M.S. Check out with Ian, new checker. Get burrito from burrito lady. #43 home. Sit near mustachioed young guy with skateboard. Guy with sweat pants and bulging dick exits bus. Skateboard guy gives me come-on look. I go one stop beyond my usual. Get off with skateboard guy. I don’t accept his invitation. Bus gong the other way is waiting for me across the street.

August 15, 2022:  Intro Empathy Circle from 10 a.m. to noon. Wonderful group including Renato from Croatia and George from the country of Georgia. We talked about climate change. At noon, had one hour “buddy call” with Leo Jacoby in Wisconsin. Then online work. Then nap. Then K to W.P. Daniel, Bruce and Baristo #3 at Peet’s. Talked with Bruce about his new book. Baristo #3 told me he had to slit the throat of a ram as part of his cultural tradition. Talked with Daniel about The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck book, which he recommended to me and which I’m half way through. Run into guy on the sidewalk who says, “I agree.” I was thinking he was reading my mind and wondering what I had just thought. Then realized he was talking about the “Abolish the Electoral College” T-shirt I was wearing. Take K to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Market. See “New York $” on sidewalk. Take #48 to W.P. Take M and #29 home.

August 15 dream:  Boss is talking. Me and others are moving out file boxes of things and documents. My job was done so I was ready to go.

August 14, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas and Kai at Peet’s. Also unassuming gay guy at table. I see Douglas give him the eye. Talk with Kai about The Departed movie. After, run into beautiful blond, unassuming young man walking with other young man. Blond guy smiles at me. I hang around a bit, then cross to the other side of the W.P. station platform. Walk up Ulloa to burrito place. Take #48 to W.P. Same nice guy there at 14th Avenue at hier. Also grocery clerk smiles at me as I pass on W.P. Boulevard. Take K home. Beautiful man exiting Ingleside Gallery as I pass on K. Think: “He’s the kind of guy that makes life worth living.” Work on book in p.m.

August 14 dream:  I try to get copy of videotape showing 100,000 people “playing and jumping” in the water on command. Woman and I have a sort of thing.

August 14 dream:  Crimp day hier. Lamp day today.

August 14 dream:  Attend meeting at Board of Supervisors. I ask guests about housing which has been completely torn down but not replaced in the Mission, the Haight and where my father used to live. Speaker said the law would change on September 1.

August 13, 2022:  Empathy Circle Training Session No. 2. About 35 attended including participants from Croatia, England, India, and Lebanon. Call Tiffany out indirectly on her presumption last week of using the speaker’s time as if it were her own. (*Relates to “Breakthrough” of August 10?) In ’til 4:30ish. K to W.P. See #429 on Ocean. She tries to evade me, but I double back just to get closer look. (*Relates to 2nd “Breakthrough” from hier?) Kai and Stephanie at Peet’s. Take K to Castro. Go to W.G. Pass 440 Club coming and going. Walk up Market to #48. Sweet guy at 14th Avenue. K home.

August 13 dream:  Trying to transfer book online, I think.

August 13 dream:  Visit Paris. It snows. I’m happy. Get lost. Go downstairs to empty gay bar. Get trapped, more or less, with hefty big white guy.

August 12, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Just Sarah and me. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Buy lotto ticket at Glen Park Market. Go to C.B. and then G.P. library. Handsome black guy on sidewalk. See same “Breakthrough” book I saw on Faxon Avenue on August 10. Go to M.S. Ask Allen where to find fortune cookies. Talk with Christian outside S.B. He and his wife just had a baby girl twos months ago and he’s looking forward to getting housing in S.F. Baby girl is Amelia. Dog is Colby. #43 home. See my Pakwan friend again who gives me a look of intimacy as I pay him for my garlic naan. Talk to Larry Lawhorn in p.m.

August 12 dream:  William Fennie sending me the votes. They turn into applies. Then a carpet of applies. Then an indoor lawn. “You wouldn’t want insects in your home.”

August 11, 2022:  In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to W.P. Big, loud black guy talking to Rajat about having a hard-on for 7-Elevan. Daniel and Baristo #3 at Peet’s. Daniel told me he and his family just got back from Hawaii. He turned me on to Pharrell Williams’s song, “Happy.” I love it! Go to Lazy Susan after. Get vegetarian chow main from Patrick. It’s not very good. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Min who does a little jump of excitement when he sees me. Insight: Realize why I feel so sad due to noise from upstairs is ’cause some people get off on making other people doubt their worth ’cause they doubt their own. (*Relates to my step-mother, too.)

August 11 dream:  At OSU getting things done, being able to read books again.

August 11 dream:  Indian guy shows me video of tent culture catching fire in ’55. He says, “Choose another year.” I choose ’66.

August 11 dream:  Getting ready for Empathy Circle. I hang silver mask with one jeweled eye on wall. Also plan to bring puppies tomorrow. My partner notices something wrong with the window frame. Earlier woman at resto counter asks me, “Do you have a boyfriend at home?” I say, “I’m not from here [meaning “I’m from San Francisco.”] Earlier still, on final leg of bus trip.

August 10, 2022:  Empathy Circle production team at 9 a.m. Five of us attend. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Talk with Joan at W.G. See “Breakthrough” on Faxon Avenue. Evan, Stephanie, Bruce, Baristo #3 at Peet’s. Also beautiful customer who ignores my glances. And other beautiful customer surrounded by girls, who smiles to himself as I leave. Evan tells me he’s 18 and that he just got back from Paris, London and Germany with his Grace Cathedral choir. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” Four obnoxious young high school boys at W.P. station. Then I notice two of them touching hands. Sit across from them on K. They never look at me but I was thrilled at their camaraderie. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Sometimes being in a family is like being in a cult. Conclusion: Truth is that all is family, all is worthy of being worshipped, all is communicating.

August 10 dream:  I get excited. It’s almost New Years in a few minutes, though the place is nearly empty. John F. is talking about starting a new course at his home, on morals.

August 10 dream:  On full bus with Thane. He asks us to lick stamps. I swallow grape attached to mine.

August 10 dream:  I accuse one of the houseboys of taking my money out of my wallet (but leaving everything else). He says, “We didn’t do that.” I say, “Yes, you did.”

August 9, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. At Monterey Boulevard, woman in S.F. Giants T-shirt comments on my S.F. Giants T-shirt. We walk together for next block and a half. Kai and J.P. at Peet’s. J.P. comps my drink. He’s studying nursing at USF. Woman at Peet’s comments on my book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, saying she has it on her Kindle, but hasn’t started it yet. Walk home. Stop at Lazy Susan to pick up Chinese food to go. Nice connection with cashier there who studies video at S.F. State. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. In p.m. I think, “I’m glad John is growing older and losing his looks.” Then fork on my coffee table drops to floor, seemingly of its own accord.

August 9 dream:  Standing on Church Street next to 10-string guitar player. My pants are tight. I am older but wiser.

August 8, 2022:  Intro Empathy Circle at 10 a.m. Six of us attended, including George from the country of Georgia and Sherry from Roseville, CA. Really good session. I thought i’d hate Sherry ’cause she seemed so self-centered, but came around to liking her. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Rajat at 7-11. Also cute Asian guy with tight Levis. Evan at Peet’s. I hadn’t seen him since June 18. We had nice talk. He’s a senior in high school. Wants to go to U. of Oregon or U. of Colorado and major in English. Now I’m in love with Evan. Bruce there also. Also barista who told me that Pussy Riot was at Outside Lands hier. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Realize car fire from August 3 probably relates to my experience with lawyer from hier on the same street. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Run into lawyer again at Ocean and Lee. He looks a lot scruffier today. We sit down and talk briefly. He says his name is Sean, or something close to that.

August 8 dream:  At Prosperos event. Then go to other location and meet up with three more Prosperos.

August 8 dream:  Have shitty pants. Hope nobody can smell it.

August 8 dream:  Apply for job with Barry Bram’s law office. It’s not going well.

August 7, 2022:  Wake up early for me, about 8:30 a.m. Do online work. Then take nap and have several nap dreams. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Pass store on Ocean Avenue with open door. I step back and look in. Small boy, maybe 10-years-old, is sitting alone in the middle of the floor. I smile at him. He looks at me like he wants to be friends. Cute young man from 33 San Anselmo Way entering his house with his family. Sergio and Douglas at Peet’s. Have nice talk with Sergio as I leave. He tells me his favorite book is Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I told him mine was Stranger in a Strange Land. He told me his school banned Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451. I told him I met Ray Bradley at a conference in ’72. I think I’m in love with Sergio again. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Old man on Plymouth Avenue says something. I get closer to him and ask him what he said. He said, “Paradise.” On Ocean Avenue, offer to help young man having trouble with what he was carrying. We ended up talking for maybe half an hour. He lives in twin building across the way, I think. I only understood about half of what he said. He said he studied at Exeter University in London. He was very hot. He asked me if I was married. I said I was a “confirmed bachelor.” He said he was looking for legal help. He asked me for my email and phone which I gave him. He asked me if I had a card. I guess he’s straight ’cause every woman that walked by would get his undivided attention. Finally I let him into his building with my key. Go to W.F. Nice guy from bakery dept. happy to see me. I jerked off when I got home. Insight: Think maybe I can effect #429 by my thinking.

August 7 nap dream:  Order found. It’s like spaghetti. (h.o.)

August 7 nap dream: Hard-on dream.

August 7 nap dream:  Ride bike to French class. Bike stolen. Run into Madame Morel. I say in my bad French, “Qui es la plan?” She says parts of the [CCSF] campus has been flooded.

August 7 nap dream:  Get home from work early. Don’t know what to do with myself.

August 7 dream:  Driving home. Pick up some hitchhikers. We hang together for a while ’til I get too tired.

August 7 dream:  See John taking somebody to his place. He sees me and calls, but doesn’t say anything. Go to resto. Hear “cut paper.”

August 6, 2022:  Sleepless nite last nite. Empathy Circle Facilitator Training from 9:30 to 1ish. In ’til 3ish. Haircut at 3:30. Check out young guy who preceded me. He responded in kind. Had wonderful connection with Jun as usual. I told him about my doctor visit hier. He said doctors never take into account what’s going on with somebody emotionally. He says I should eat whatever I want to eat. So my barber has more medical intelligence than my nurse practitioner. Go to Safeway afterwards. Take nap.

August 5, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group in a.m. Just Sarah and me. In ’til 1:30. #29 and #38 to VA. #29 leg of journey was the bus ride from hell. Trainee bus driver being overseen by chatty supervisor. Lots of teenage girls crowding on for “Outside Lands” at Golden Gate Park. At each stop more teenage girls would get on. The #29 behind us passed us. Bus driver all too careful and slow. Finally they all get off on Lincoln Way and now the cars are bumper to bumper. Finally make it to VA at 2:59 for my 3 p.m. appointment. Nurse practitioner says I had pneumonia though apparently it was asymptomatic. Also that I need to lose 13 pounds. Nurse taking my blood was pregnant. I say, “Are you about to give birth?” She says, “Soon.” Walk to La Promenade Café. Then to G.G. Park, trying to avoid Outside Lands. Walk up 9th Avenue. See cute guy. His face looks kind of like John’s. He goes to Arizmendi Bakery and orders a slice of pizza. I get in line behind him and order slice myself. They deliver our slices at the same time: one for Anthony, one for Mike. We both eat our slices at adjacent parklet. Then he throws paper away in garbage can behind me, touching my leg while he did so. “Oops, sorry,” he says. Later connect with handsome Japanese guy walking up 9th Avenue. Then run into Bruce (from Peet’s W.P.). #43 home.

August 5 dream:  Paul Newman and James Dean caress me when I tell them how lonely it is to watch TV alone at night.

August 5 dream:  Thane giving monitor class. He said Monica did part of the class and somebody came in and talked about the penis.

August 4, 2022:  Extinction Rebellion Empathy Circle at 10 a.m. facilitated by Karo in Poland with me and Sri Lankan guy in Wales. Walk to G.P. New baristo at C.B. We click. He tells me he lives in the area. Later I figure out he’s coming on to me or wanting me to come on to him. Doesn’t he know I already have a boyfriend? G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. Get in check out line. Then “Sir Allen” beckons me to his newly opened line. I say, “You came all the way out here just for me?” he says, “Yeah.” #43 home. Beautiful young boy and very young boy on #43. See Apt. #429(?) smoking as I enter back door of apartment building.

August 4 dream:  Trying to find place to take a shit in very nice home which is not mine and is being cleaned. Lots of work men. And dogs. One dog wants em to drag him around. I do. He bites somebody. Other dog looks like a wild animal, but we like each other.

August 3, 2022:  Empathy Circle production team at 9 a.m. Six of us attend. Online work. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. RHS/Translate new female tenant living above me. Follow guy who looked like Thane for a while. Realize I am RHSing my step-mother, some woman I am forced to live with like my tenant upstairs. And when I realized that just because my new family is a lie doesn’t mean I have to accept it, man wearing a yarmulke and holding a baby smiles at me. Kai, Douglas, baristo #3 at Peet’s. They are taking a selfie from a Notebook placed on the floor as I leave. They invite me to join them, which I do. W.P. library. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Get popcorn for homeless woman in front of W.F. at her request. Fire alarm in p.m. Then my internet goes down for 3-4 hours. Turns out a smoking car approached the underground garage and then caught fire.

August 3 nap dream:  Tom C. returns to work. I hang out with well-built guy in white T-shirt. When I go to say good-bye to him, he’s on payphone.

August 3 dream:  Ghost of young woman in my kitchen. I have trouble speaking, but I yell as best I can, “Who the hell are you? Get out! Get out!” [As I awaken, she disappears.]

August 3 dream:  Hanging out with John H., played by Jonathan Flynn.

August 3 dream:  Hanging out in gay bar and café. Bill Floyd there later. They have set up some camera equipment for meetings. He says that in Europe they do most of their meetings at night.

August 2, 2022:  New tenant upstairs moves in. Lots of noise. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Cat at San Benito Way and Monterey Boulevard gets very affectionate with me. (*Relates to Eric at Peet’s?) Long conversation with Eric. He got a new full time job so won’t be around too much at Peet’s other than as a customer. We talked a lot about his art and a book he is writing. Go to W.P. library. Talk briefly with clerk from hier. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Naomi. Go to Pakwan. My friend from last three days not there. Insight: If it’s true that Lydia had a thing for my father and he wouldn’t put out, maybe I thought I should put out for him.

August 2 dream:  Nancy Pelosi and I prepare plate for Rick Thomas. She gets touchy and removes all the food after I make a comment. I pile on new food. Fear I put on too much. Two guys in a Russian building. The Russian says, “You guys want to go home tonight, right?”

August 2 dream:  Fire at beach house next to ours. I and others need go find blankets, etc., to put it out. Woman in wheelchair flips over. “This is not right,” she says. Fire goes out.

August 1, 2022:  Bills and monthly BB in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Mail bill. Feel shitty. Go home. Smell beautiful orchid smell in elevator. Take shits. Walk to W.P. again. Kai at W.P. He tells me about movie Nope. Baristo #3 likes my Bernie T-shirt. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Guy smiles at me as I enter. Check out with Cole. Go to Pakwan. Run into same red sports car guy as hier. This time he didn’t look attractive at all. Go to Pakwan for 3rd day in a row. Same cute guy as the prior two days. He brings my order to my table.

July 31, 2022:  Current Events Empathy Circle at 9 a.m. Sarah, Larry and I attend. I want to quit the group but they want to continue, they say. (*See 4th dream of July 29.) Online work. Nap. In ’til 3:15ish. Walk to W.P. Rajat at 7-11. Go to W.P. library. Joke with U. of Pacific graduate in communications. I say, “Can you communicate now?” he says, “I think so.” Douglas and baristo #4 at Peet’s. RHS my mother (Sarah) on walk home. Feels good to get in touch with my frustrations with her since she’s been such a martyr after being killed. (*Relates to July 22 dream about big event on July 31?) Homeless woman asks me to buy some popcorn for her on my way to W.F. I agree. I check out with Marcus from bakery dept. I ask him about Doug who used to work there. He says, “Yeah, he’s no longer there.” Give homeless woman her popcorn. Go to Pakwan. See cute guy get out of his red sports car. I follow him into Acai R. After he taps his order online, I look over online menu. Then walk out. Go to Pakwan. See same cute cashier as hier. As I leave I see Acai R guy get into his red sports car. I walk in front of his car to see if anyone’s in there with him. He appears to be alone. I pass and look back at him before I enter back way to my apt.

July 31 dream:  Get note dated ’62. Return super bowl ticket envelope. Check in to go somewhere (h.o.)

July 31 dream:  Bring string bass and other instrument to home where both opera and jazz are being played. Take pee out of view of hostess.

July 31 dream:  Man lets me walk his dog around the block again.

July 31 dream:  It’s getting late and I had planned to do something with Heather today. I ask my step-mother if she wants me to move out. She suggests I share my console with one of my siblings.

July 30, 2022:  Empathy Circle at 9 a.m. ’til 1 p.m. 40 people or so including young man from Colorado State. I co-facilitate small group of me and three women. I was quite excited about the transformation I underwent from not being interested in any of these women in particular to loving each of them in their own way. In ’til 3:15ish. Walk to G.P. Go to Glen Park Market. Share my photo of Lee with him. He seems pleased. Go to G.P. library. Leila (nee Daniel) at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Go to M.S. See “Sir Allen.”  Takes two or three times for cash register to work. #43 home. Stop at W.F. Check out with Min. Getting off elevator, run into #308 at the same place and in the same way as on June 3. He looked really cute and really young. I say, “Hi.” He says “Hi” back. (*Relates to shits from hier at 6ish, I think.) Cute cashier at Pakwan resto.

July 30 dream:  Going to sleep. Next thing I know Nancy and Laurie are having a party. I throw quarters at Laurie to try to get her attention so she can tell me what’s going on. Meet up with Mikhail Itkin and other interesting people. (h.o.)

July 30 dream:  American Encounter movie

July 30 dream:  “You said perfection is upward.” I say, “No, perfection is everywhere.” (h.o.)

July 30 dream:  Boy walking out. Has something with pineapple in it. Now he’s dead. People are trying to bring him back to life.

July 29, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group in a.m.. Only Sarah and I show up. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Nice talk with Joan at W.G. Sergio [I wrote down Justin in the original draft.] at Peet’s. We talk briefly. As I leave, he is waiting on customer. I look at him as I pass by. He looks up and waves. He moves me. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Alarm going off in trash can at Claremont and Ulloa. Guy moving into “I’m Gorgeous Inside” house on Plymouth Avenue. “Driverless” car drives by me on Monterey Boulevard. I prepare to take a photo. Car stops in the middle of the intersection. Feel shitty. Have to rush home to take shits at about 6 p.m.

July 29 dream:  Woman in mayor’s office has crush on me. I like somebody else.

July 29 dream:  I say, “Is it okay to solve its?” High-pitched voice says, “What do you mean?”

July 29 dream:  I work for RVS (Republican Voting Systems).

July 29 dream:  Sit at table in resto with several Prosperos, including Al Haferkamp. When they leave, three of us stay. I really want to go home. (*Relates to Current Events Empathy Circle of July 31, I think.)

July 28, 2022:  Rough nite last nite. Couldn’t get to sleep, mostly ’cause I was so excited about my Thor insight (*See diary of July 27). In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Justin at Peet’s. He looks really good today. Young woman came in. He put his arm around her and walked outside with her. We had a brief connection. Bruce also there. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Stop at W.F. Home.

July 28 dream:  All the signs of the zodiac on display. Each with a picture of someone I knew to represent it. (h.o.)

July 28 dream:  Starting at new school in N.Y. where everybody really cares about the students. Go out on roof in my underwear with a pillow to take a nap.

July 28 dream:  Run into tall guy I’m supposed to have a crush on in area of S.F. new to me. (*Relates to Sarah telling me on July 29 about meeting she’s going to have with Rick Thomas, Rick’s son Adam and Al Haferkamp. Al is the tall guy.)

July 27, 2022:  Rough nite last nite due to antibiotics, I think. Skip Empathy Cafe online at 9 a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. See Rajat at 7-11. No one I know at Peet’s except baristo #3 whose name I don’t know but who was very excited to see me. After Peet’s, run into cute young guy on corner. We make some sort of connection. I follow him from a distance down W.P. and back up again to the original spot where I met him. I pretend to get on waiting #57 bus, but then walk off. As I’m walking along Ocean Avenue, think of Thor Thompson from Saratoga High School. He was very popular, cool, good-looking guy I liked from a distance. He was beautiful and always wore his pants low. One day a friend of mine told me that some friends of his almost pantsed Thor. Just the idea of that excited me so much, but also made me ashamed. Years later, in a rare visit to Saratoga, I run into Thor walking alone in the middle of Westcott Drive. He smiles at me. I’m angry at him for making me so ashamed, so I ignore him. As I think this, pass Indian-looking guy who tries to keep from smiling. Beautiful black guy with big wild afro buys big container of water and checks out at W.F. I line up behind him. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: There is a battle going on in my body between bacteria and antibiotics. Conclusion: Truth, the Host, nourishes Itself with infinite supply and limitless hospitality. Insight: I think Thor smiling at me was him telling me that’s it’s okay to get excited about him almost getting pantsed. He got excited, too. 2nd insight: Translating bacteria leads to the word parasite, which I think I’ve always sort of felt I was. Perhaps I was told I was by my father, and perhaps I accepted that as a truth, whether it was or not.

July 27 dream:  Getting lost in the raggio forest.

July 27 dream:  Lose one of my lower front teeth.

July 27 dream:  Nancy Pelosi defends bare-breasted women.

July 26, 2022:  Phone goes out in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Kai, Douglas, Daniel and Justin (*see diary of June 13) at Peet’s. My phone finally comes on again. I call them to try to find out what went wrong. Got nowhere. Forgot my pen so had to borrow one from Douglas. Nice connection with Justin as he leaves and with Douglas as I leave. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Check out with Sally (short for Salome). #43 home. When I get home, see my pen on the floor just outside my apartment.

July 26 dream:  Women teacher. I don’t address her as “Doctor.” Someone says I should. Then I start answering her question. She says, “Not today.” So I walk off, admiring cute butt of guy in tight suit.

July 26 dream:  I have an “innie” instead of an “outie” bellybutton.

July 26 dream:  I have to get up ’cause this is the day I meet with John.

July 26 dream:  In Portland, trying to find ceramic stamp moistener so I can do job I was given. Portland seems abandoned. I have difficulty crawling up street, Translating along the way [and wake up].

July 25, 2022:  VA appointment at 11 a.m. Go to emergency room instead for persistent back pain and heart fluttering. Beautiful Asian man smiles at me as I leave home. I take that as a positive sign. VA Nurse Practitioner gave me antibiotics and said to cut down on caffeinated green tea. Walk to La Promenade. Then follow beautiful man into grocery store on Balboa and make significant eye contact with him. Walk thru G.G. Park. Go to Japanese Tea Garden (which is now free to S.F. residents). Take #43 home. Go to W.F. Check out with Min’s trainee, Diana. Watch “My Lai” documentary in p.m.

July 25 dream:  Obnoxious guy takes over medical training with people on gurneys.

July 25 dream:  Bill Floyd (Gwyllm Llwydd) getting excited about seeing a dollar bill and all the possibilities.

July 24, 2022:  Current Events Empathy Circle at 9 a.m. Heather, Sarah, Larry and I attend. Later, jerk off. (*See 4th dream of July 22.) In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. See Shrey at Ingleside Gallery. Rajat and “Pretty Girl” at 7-11 on Ocean. Sergio, Daniel and 3rd baristo at Peet’s. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Min.

July 24 dream:  Someone spilled something on my shirt and coat. See two tigers and their trainer in a wading pool. The smaller tiger gets rough with the trainer. The bigger tiger stops him. There’s another smaller black tiger walking around. I decide to leave the area. Later I think, “What if there’s a power even stronger than a tiger, like God, that I could access.”

July 23, 2022:  Get up late. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Pretty guy doing selfie as I exit. He gives me dirty look. Go to M.S. Check out with helpful guy. Pretty woman comes up to help him. I don’t want to deal with her. Finally I have to. She’s very pretty and very kind. Enough to make a person go bisexual. #43 home.

July 22, 2022:  Translation group at 11 a.m. with Heather and Sarah. Call Heather after about her anti-vax stance. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Speak with Joan at W.G. Run into my shirtless Asian friend on Ocean. He gives me a dirty look. David, Kai and 3rd baristo at Peet’s. They tell me about Frank Ocean and Tyler the Creator’s “Loiter Squad” comedy videos. I tell them about Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto No. 2. They say they’ll put in on their play lists. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Still feel bad about Heather’s stubborn proselytization.

July 22 dream:  Big event on July 31.

July 22 dream:  Trapped in house in Southern California. My friend and I are being tortured and threatened. I fight back. My friend has other plans.

July 22 dream:  Having to go to the bathroom on top floor of resto. Lots of people around. I have to set up port-a-potty myself, surrounded by people.

July 22 dream:  Two guys playing with each other by taking off their clothes. They are both friends of mine. Thane was there. I wondered if he knew that I knew the guys. Later Thane and his group moved on. From a distance, Thane waved at me. I didn’t know whether he was waving good-bye or inviting me up to his hotel room with the others.

July 21, 2022:  Wake up late. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P.  Talk with Rajat at 7-11 on Ocean. Daniel, Eric, Kai and Stephanie at Peet’s. Daniel recommends The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. As I leave, I throw out crossword puzzle I was working on. I walk about a half block, feel sudden surge of joy and decide to go back to pick up crossword puzzle out of the trash. Nice connection with Daniel as I reach into the trash can. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Talk with Edwin Rutsch (from Empathy Circles) in p.m.

July 21 dream:  Find it very difficult to open door from inside ’cause I’m so tired. I know if I do, that I will be energized.

July 21 dream:  Tom O. wants to fix the tab. I want to drive the truck to where we are headed.

July 20, 2022:  Empathy Circle production team at 9 a.m. Five of us attended. Online work. Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. J.P., Kai and Sergio at Peet’s. Sergio tells me he didn’t really shave his hair off. He was just pulling my leg. I asked him why he didn’t dye his eyebrows. “That would just be weird,” he said. “And you wouldn’t want to do anything weird,” I replied. Walk home vie Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Jeff. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: To express feelings can be dangerous, but unexpressed emotions can lead to physical pain. Conclusion: Truth is the painless, omnipotent manifestation of the uninhibited Self.

July 20 dream:  Two puppies are unaccounted for. That means we only have 93% of the house.

July 20 dream:  Hard-on dream is an extension of the above dream.

July 20 dream:  Amy, my woman boss, sends me to cafeteria to do what I did last time with head of lettuce and two tomatoes. Nice woman next to me, watching TV, says, “I like it when he does that.”

July 19, 2022:  Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Joan at W.G. Insight: Feeling bad about my nap dream (*See below.) Realize my nap dream may relate to me and Lydia Donaldson (not her real name), our in-house caretaker after my mother’s death. The story goes that she was fired for being too hot for my father. The dream may indicate that she came on to me as well. As I think this, man passing on Ocean smiles at me. Kai at Peet’s. And, surprisingly, Sergio. I thought we were finished, but apparently I was wrong. He walked in with a buzz cut dyed blond. As I leave, we talk again. He tells me a friend completely shaved his hair off and sprayed on blond hair. I asked him how long it would last. He said he didn’t know. I say, “Are you sure he was a friend?” He says, “I think so.” Go to W.P. library. Then home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Nice, tall computer engineer on way in.

July 19 nap dream:  I lay down on my back and old woman with long painted fingernails unzips my pants.

July 19 dream:  Some disembodied spirit (probably scientologist) trying to interpret our meeting.

July 19 dream:  Taking shower with women and men at my new job. Some rats around left-over food.

July 19 dream:  Trying to form new political party at City Hall. They say it’ll take two years but we want to come up with the name now.

July 18, 2022:  Get call from anonymous prick in a.m. (*Relates to 2nd dream of July 17, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Nemid and J.P. at Peet’s. I showed J.P. my new Uniqlo T-shirt which he recommended. He insisted I try it on which I did. He was really excited about it. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Old man at Monterey near Northgate Drive. When I looked back, he was gone. Check out at Safeway with Gabe. #43 home. Insight: Watching Carol Burnett in p.m., wonder if the actors don’t fear crossing the line from yelling at each other in character to yelling at each other in person.

July 18 dream:  Planning a plane trip home. (h.o.)

July 18 dream:  Read off numbers at top of page. As I have often done, I have to put the stickers on myself. Calvin didn’t put them on.

July 18 dream:  Tall thin truck almost flips over. Then drives up skinny road. I am crossing over road on wooden bridge which folds out into a bench with tables. Officious woman comes along and tells me the story of how the thin road leads from Santa Rosa to Iowa. And how Shakespeare used to travel it.

July 17, 2022:  “Current Events” Empathy Circle at 11 a.m. Only 3 of us showed up. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Feeling bad about low attendance at empathy circle. Narrow it down to feeling rage that Sarah chose to attend Rick’s Sunday Meeting instead of my empathy circle. Think that it relates to my childhood self being enraged that my mother’s attention might drift from time to time to my father. (*Relates to severe pelvic pain from last night?) Nice conversation with Daniel at Peet’s about Frank Ocean’s Nights. (*Relates to distant hawk from hier?) Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Insight: Spinoza thought of esteem as a vice. I think that it’s my vice.

July 17 dream:  Passing joint from mouth to mouth. Have to kiss really cute guy. (h.o.)

July 17 dream:  Big long-legged spider in our kitchen. I spay it with bug spray. (*Relates to anonymous prick call from July 18, I think.)

July 17 dream:  Walking little dog on street. He looks exhausted. He says, “Take me back. I have a gift for mankind.”

July 17 dream:  Checking out list janitor gave me. I only see a lot of numbers.

July 16, 2022:  Rick Thomas calls. Makes me feel bad. Reminds me of my father. I feel bad ’cause I knew that he was lying to me or at least holding back from me. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Police car follows me for half a block. Go to C.B. Evil barista there. Smiling but evil nonetheless. Then G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. Distant hawks over Mt.D. #43 home. Severe pelvic pain in p.m.

July 16 dream:  Getting back from 3 weeks vacation. Man’s hedges need to be trimmed.

July 16 dream:  One of the students on campus kills another. People are running around and screaming. I see my religious, mixed race, handsome therapist and I call out to him. He embraces me. I tell him, “This is bringing up a lot of stuff.” The he says, “You’re Michael.” And I joke, “I’m Abraham [or some name like that].” Then he says the camera is on. And he asks my name again and I say, “Michael.” And he says, “How are you?” And I say, “Fine.”

July 16 dream:  Buy book at bookstore. I leave without it. Woman asks what i’m doing. I say, “I’m just looking. And I’ve forgotten something.” Go back to bookstore. Woman gives me some cake and looks for my bag.

July 16 dream:  Go to astrology website. There are three pages: Home, Consultants and Hot Guys. I click on Hot Guys [and wake up].

July 15, 2022:  Translation group at 11 a.m. with Sarah. Heather still a no show. Take K to dental appointment at 2 p.m. Walk home via Castro. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Market to Laguna Honda Blvd. #48 to W.P. Stephanie, Daniel at Peet’s. Nice connection with Daniel as usual. Take M and #29 home. Go to W.F. Check out with Min.

July 15 dream:  Homeless guy gives me three pills and two bird eggs. Says, “Take it. It may be poison or it may solve all your problems.” I eat one of the bird eggs.

July 14, 2022:  Read email that Prosperos Trustee’s agenda includes “3. How to best protect the Schools assets from a rogue member doing something we don’t expect.” In ’til 3:30sh. Walk to W.P. Kai, J.P., Stephanie and Bruce at Peet’s. No Sergio. Don’t know what to think or feel. (*Relates to dream of  July 13 about roomful of shoes. Can’t find comfortable pair.) As soon as I leave Peet’s, see someone who I think is Bob Krell. For some reason, I called him “Rob,” but he doesn’t answer. I think it was a sign that Sergio will leave my life as Bob did suddenly back in 2000 or so. Later realized that my “insight” from July 9 about the meaning of losing my phone (my identity) was probably wrong. I don’t think it related to John or Sergio but to my relationship with The Prosperos and how that relationship has to change.

July 14 dream:  Woman talking about guy who became rich and gave lectures at noon. And always asked his audience questions about how things work.

July 13, 2022:  Empathy Circle meeting at 9 a.m. Meet Sunil from Kathmandu, who’s opened a brick and mortar Empathy Circle Café. Do online work. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Rajat at 7-11. Cute guy and his father coming out of home on San Anselmo Avenue. (*Same guy and his father as on March 10, I think.) Eric, Daniel, Stephanie and Walter L. at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Screeching hawk on lamppost on Ulloa. Give Danny $5 ’cause that was the smallest change I had. Talk with Nobell . See Allen. Check out with Kyle who has lots of tattoos. Get burrito from lady with heavy makeup who’s hot for me. #43 home. Sit next to cute Asian guy.

July 13 dream:  Go into a roomful of shoes. Can’t find my flip-flops. Tell my girlfriend I’ll be leaving tomorrow morning. I give her my phone number. (h.o.) (*Relates to Sergio not bieng at Peet’s on July 14?)

July 13 dream:  Clean off my desk for new job I am starting.

July 12, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Cute Asian guy on Ocean. I ask him about vegetable. He says it’s a cycone, used for soup. See Rajat at 7-11. He’s impressed that I remembered his name. Run into two aggressive cats looking for love on San Benito Way. (*Relates to two baristos at Peet’s?) Kai, Douglas, J.P. at Peet’s. Douglas tells me he heard that I listened to Tyler the Creator hier. J.P. tells me about Uniqlo. Read about forgiveness in Cured. See “Perfect.” Then go to W.P. library. Cruise “perfect” guy a bit. Walk home via San Benito. Run into same cat. Head to W.F. Trying to forgive my 9-year-old self for having an inflated ego with regard to my mother’s death and my father’s affections. As I’m about to turn into W.F., interesting guy in front of me. He’s young, good-looking, thick glasses, broad shoulders. Seems to be looking for something. So I follow him ’til he disappears into the only store open on the next block. When I arrive, he had disappeared. (*Relates to dream of Thane trying to avoid my glance from last night, I believe.) Go to W.F. Check out with Naomi.

July 12 dream:  Updating my website. (h.o.)

July 12 dream:  Going to this beautiful spa-type place with clean, foamy ocean water. Lots of people I know and don’t know. We’re all trying to get cleansed and maybe laid.

July 12 dream:  Go to S.F. neighborhood I’ve never been to before. Near Wand Avenue. Hear voice. It’s Melissa on roof doing some kind of filming job.

July 11, 2022:  Nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Talk with Nelson and Joan at W.G. on Ocean. Kai, Daniel and Sergio at Peet’s. I tell Sergio that I ordered a “Save the Bees” T-shirt like the one he wore recently. He and Daniel tell me about Tyler the Creator. I listen to much of his Igor album. At one point, Tyler talks about kissing white boys. I realized as I was leaving that I must mention this to Sergio and that it related to the 3rd dream of July 9 in which Indian father (me) had to jump off a cliff to be with his son. So I say to Sergio, “He talked about kissing white boys.” Sergio says, “Yeah.” Then I asked him what other kind of music he likes and he told me he plays jazz piano. Go to W.P. library. Walk up Yerba Buena Avenue. Take #43 to M.S. Check out with Nobell again. #43 home. Go to W.F. Check out with Min.

July 11 dream:  Getting ready for big party. Guy asks if he can leave something unattended. I say, “Yeah, it’s a very trustworthy group.” (h.o.)

July 11 dream:  Ben G. did two marvelous records, one on the “magic of man.” I accidentally erased most of both of them.

July 11 dream:  Thane meets with us on an island on San Francisco Bay. He tries to avoid my glance. Bob Labansat wants to do astrology classes with me. (*Thane in this dream relates to tulpa I encountered on way home on July 12, I think.)

July 10, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Shits just before I leave. Walk to W.P. Joan at W.G. on Ocean. Cat rushes towards me on San Benito Way. I’ve run into him before. Nemid and Kai at Peet’s. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Man in front yard says, “Big winner today,” referring to the Giants T-shirt I was wearing and possibly to something else.

July 10 dream:  Move to New York. Talk about Paris.

July 10 dream:  Our C.O. commanded 98 soldiers. I … somehow talked to those who survived, those with and without injuries.

July 9, 2022:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See Lee at liquor store. Take his photo. Go to C.B. Go to G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. I have to run to catch #43. Insight: Being forced to get new phone. New phone being stolen at Gay Pride parade. Loss of phone for 10 days ’til I get new one activated. All may relate to loss of old identity and getting a new identity activated. John being the old identity. Sergio being the new one?

July 9 dream:  People chasing me, trying to get me to talk. Trying to convince me that debt is good. I’d been around the same route a few times.

July 9 dream:  Ocean at very low tide. I walk out to try and endorse them, I guess. I think, “You don’t fuck wi that the oceans.” I had an hour and a half.

July 9 dream:  Women have to jump thru chute. Most men don’t have to. Indian guy/s son is on the ground. The father has the choice to jump down.

July 9 dream:  Guy in resto reading book about John York.

July 8, 2022:  Insight: Pelvic pain may relate to my taking on the role of my mother and being the “woman of the house” after she was killed. No Translation group in a.m. Heather and Sarah both bowed out. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Rajat very busy at 7-11. Kai and Bruce at Peet’s. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Min and his trainee. Min’s very nice to me. Hear “First day of May” on Jack Benny show. Realize actor Jim (*See diary of August 9, 2021) was probably coming on to me in his way when he talked about how gender neutral his drama school is.

July 8 dream:  Parents come home really mad at everyone except me. I walk out door. Parents say to child next to me, “You do know what ‘first death’ is, don’t you?” He reaches his hand out to me. I swat it away.

July 8 dream:  I try to tell frog to get off my arm.

July 7, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s. He’s working near where I’m sitting. And we have a nice, long conversation. The it seems to be over. Old man comes up and talks to me about Agent Orange. Then as I leave, I go up to Sergio again. He’s working on the books. I say that they look very official. He says, “Yeah, except somebody pooped on one of the pages.” And he shows me the page where somebody spilled something on it. I am strongly moved by my encounter with Sergio. (*Relates to coyote and hawks in G.C.P. on July 2, I think.) Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with Nobell. I ask him if he is a Nobel Laureate. He says he’s normally in the produce dept. And I ask whether being a cashier is a promotion. He says he doesn’t think so. I say, “Well, in produce you’re dealing with vegetables and here you’re dealing with people. And I’m better than a vegetable.”

July 7 dream:  Send out package before others. (h.o.)

July 7 dream:  Volunteering with some old women near the Castro. Feel like I really want to be alone for a while.

July 6, 2022:  Empathy Circle Facilitator training zoom at 10 a.m. When meeting is over, my phone is finally turned on. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Nelson and Joan at W.G. on Ocean. J.P., Kai and pretty barista who I really like at Peet’s. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue to W.F. Check out with Henry H. which stands for Hui. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: People can fall and break their hips. Conclusion: Happily, there is integrity in all that is.

July 6 dream:  Trying to make a list more orderly and productive. (h.o.)

July 6 dream:  Am late to work. Have on tight gym shorts. Hope that it’s not to sexy for work. Pass thru shop with dance leggings. I ask woman to try a pair on. She turns into another woman with more shapely legs. Continue walking. Husky singer in Golden Gate Park dives to bottom of a pretty deep and transparent lake and back up. Road becomes very narrow and I have to pull really hard to get anywhere.

July 5, 2022:  Call phone company again. This time she guarantees it will be hooked up within 24 hours. In ’til 3ish. Daniel, Kai and Sergio at Peet’s. Read Cured book about spontaneous healing. On way out, I go to restroom. Toilet water is dirty even after I flush it. Sergio is heading towards the restroom. Someone’s in there. I tell Sergio about the dirty water. He looks surprised that I’m speaking to him. (*Relates to Nancy Ryan dream of June 18, I think. Nancy Ryan was a woman I hit on once without having any kind of follow-up, like I did with Sergio unintentionally several months ago.) Later Daniel jokes about big party he’s going to have with Lil Baby. When he invites me, he says, “Serg’ll be there.” Walk to Safeway via Monterey Boulevard. Insight: Really upset that I can’t buy the half pumpkin pie I wanted to ’cause I know it would cause me pelvic pain just like the woman I read about in Cured. Realize I may have a spoiled child relationship with God. Just like I had with my father. (“If you get remarried, I’ll hold it against you ’til you die.”) I say to God: “Why can’t I eat what I want to? I want to eat pumpkin pie!” He/She/It says, “Go ahead, but it’ll cost you.” I pout.

July 5 dream:  Place order at grill: the ground chuck order. (h.o.)

July 5 dream:  See young, shirtless, smug man get on monorail above me, sure that he is impressing beautiful woman already on board.

July 4, 2022:  See “Fort Collins, Colorado” on Facebook. Call phone company again. More delays. Shits before I leave. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. J.P., Kai and Douglas at Peet’s. At one point Douglas does pull-up on Peet’s front door. Later he bends over in front of me, washing off a table. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue.

July 4 hypnogogic dream:  Burning house. (*Relates to my psyche/body burning old structure?)

July 4 dream:  Pick up boxes for old man in house and put them on TV tray in other room. Sign saying “Chicago.” Say hello to Liz Andrews.

July 4 dream:  Up ante. Let loose in the world. It’s name is Principal.

July 4 dream:  Give talk to socially distanced group of people outside.

July 4 dream:  Out of date promo for Menlo College.

July 4 dream:  A homeless guy is roasting pigeons on the grill. I tell him he has to go. Very cute “engineer.” I want to touch him all over. I tell him so. Three more houseless people. I tell them they have to go. Then someone else or another part of me says, “No, you can stay.” One of the homeless guys had red lipstick on.

July 3, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Beautiful young Asian man at Sweet Cupz at Miramar and Ocean Avenues. Douglas, Kai and Nemid at Peet’s. As I come in, pretty woman locks eyes with me. Makes me uneasy. Have nice connection with Nemid. Lots of significant rapid eye movement. As I leave, Douglas asks me about my camera. I give him my ZontaPhotos.com address. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. See “Free” in the lobby of my building as I enter. Memory: Maybe reason I didn’t play baseball as a kid was not because I didn’t like baseball, but that I was still mad at my father for remarrying and he always said how much he loved baseball. This is a totally different story then the one I told myself when I was 9 years old. That when I found out my father was going to remarry, I went into the den and fell to the floor and said to myself, “At last, I can be a normal boy again.” And when he came on board the USS Mt. Baker after I had gone AWOL in 1967 and said, “You never did want me to remarry, did you?” And I lied and told him that it wasn’t true. And I was still mad at him when he had a heart attack and I wouldn’t go to his deathbed. I have been pissed off at my father ever since my mother was killed in 1954 and I saw myself (maybe with my father’s help) as taking her place. I have been a woman scorned for most of my life.  At least my 9-year-old self has been a woman scorned for most of my life. I  was in love with my father and he was in love with me, but he married Harriet instead. Now that I see it, maybe I can let it go, let him go, let them go. (*See 2nd dream of June 2 and also relates to seeing “Free” as I came into my building earlier today?)

July 3 dream:  Olympic-type event coming up. I click on button which supplies all the data. (h.o.)

July 3 dream:  Woman driving me to pick up some money. Car gets flat tire. She pulls over in unpaved cul-de-sac. She’s driving ’50s black Chevy coupe.

July 2, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Call phone company several times. Finally get thru to guy who says they registered the wrong IMEI number. So another 72 hours wait, I guess. Walk to G.P. See Lee at liquor store. He looked great. Go to C.B. Daniel there. Hadn’t seen him in a long time. Go to G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Coyote crosses my path. Then sits on hill above me with two hawks screaming overhead. I take photo of coyote. Go to M.S. #48 to W.P. K home. Bee crawls over my hand on K train. Freaks me out.

July 2 dream:  Begin shut down on panel. (h.o.)

July 2 dream:  Woman under water makes report on behavior of fish. She is so angry that we can’t open the report in the bottle which she closed with her mouth.

July 2 dream:  Prosperos group meeting in public café which has cafés for both the poor and for “regular” people. The poor people’s café is hard to exit. I point this out to manager. Then ask where The Prosperos is meeting. I find several at a large round table. Carol Carter there, looking very wrinkled. I touch her on the shoulder. She gets up to embrace Richard Hartnett, who is beside me.

July 1, 2022:  Bills. Translation group at 11 a.m. Heather doesn’t show up. (*See diary of June 30.) Monthly BB. Feel really tired at one point, like I’m going to have to lay down. Then it passed. I think it related to my being exhausted with confronting Heather in my mind. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Daniel and Douglas at Peet’s. Also 30-40ish guy from hier, though he didn’t look up. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Meet really nice woman from VA Emergency Room on elevator on way in. I may have met her at the VA before.

July 1 dream:  Have to start counting over again. Try to take votes, but it doesn’t take. I try to convince all the big players to vote again.

July 1 dream:  Go to some kind of large therapy group. Afterwards, talk with Carol Carter. She drives me to another group but stops at her place in SOMA. Really nice little place. I ask if she ever rents it out. She says nothing.

June 30, 2022:  Insight: Everything in my life, every emotion, derives from those few moments after my mother’s death. Me punishing myself for the rest of my life for that moment of egocentricity. Me holding myself back form any happiness because of that one moment of egocentricity. Me punishing myself with pelvic pain so I don’t give birth to that self again. So that nobody else knows how egocentric I am. Get up early for me. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Daniel, Sergio at Peet’s. Also 30-40ish guy with nice body, who never looked at me before, looked at me seductively today. Then disappeared, metaphorically speaking. Also blond guy with Apple Notebook which he showed me. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Get email from Heather indicating she would be attending Friday Translation group after all. Now I have to call her a liar to her face. Insight: Maybe I was in my own little world before that moment when my mother was shot and killed in front of me. I was in my own world and it was sort of an egocentric one as was indicated by my immediate thought afterwards: “Now it begins. Now I’m going to be famous.”

June 30 dream:  Bus gets stuck trying to turn around in unpaved cul-de-sac. Acting Company at top of long stairway. I start writing down what is on doorway. Feels like we are waiting for the appearance of Christ. [Maybe it’s time to abort the false self created out of whole cloth and await the Christ self.]

June 29, 2022:  New phone comes in the mail. Still have to wait 1-3 days to get it activated. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. See “MillionDollar Shot” at neighborhood book stand. Talk to Rajat at 7-11. Daniel and Kai at Peet’s. Go to W.P. library. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Jeff who’s into some kind of dragon games. Insight: Pelvic pain is my body’s way of protecting me from my father?

June 29 dream:  Coming out of meeting naked. I put on shorts with a hole in front which showed my penis.

June 28, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Talk with Nelson and Joan at W.G. on ocean. Kai, J.P., Sergio and later Nedim at Peet’s. Have nice connection with J.P. as I arrive. (*Relates to shits from hier about that time?) Also good connection with J.P. as I leave. We fist bump. Sergio mute. Insight: Realize on walk to W.P. that reason I feel like a cuk is because I have been gaslighted by Rick and Heather, pretending to be my friends, but not really acting like friends. Which also relates to the gaslighting by my father and my step-mother. Telling me and others that they are caring people, but really just being selfish people. So Heather, Rick, etc., are doing me a favor by replaying these childhood dynamics so I can see them in a new light and hopefully work thru them. Go to W.P. library. Walk to Safeway via Yerba Buena Avenue. Check out with Gabe who I hadn’t seen in a whole. Then while waiting for #43 home, run into Jesse again. (*See diary of June 6.) We had nice talk ’til my bus arrived. Putting food away in kitchen, feel somebody taping my shoulder a couple of times. Insight: Realize my phone being stolen relates to my identity being stolen in a sense. Later Heather sends email saying she and her girlfriend have a dentist’s appointment on Friday, so she won’t be able to attend the Translation group. And she won’t have to face me.

June 28 dream:  Getting my book published in London, England, at Drumond 4.

June 28 dream:  Getting off work early at 4:15 p.m. so I can go somewhere.

June 27, 2022:  Wake up early for me. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Feel “shitty.” Walk home. Take shits around 3:30. Take K to W.P. Guy gives me raised fist for my T-shirt which says, “Abolish the Electoral College.” Go to Peet’s. Dominic II there. He gives me free drink. He has dual-colored fingernail polish on. Go to W.P. library. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Run into Shrey on elevator on way in. Get email from Rick T. saying I was cancelled as a Dean candidate ’cause I didn’t follow the “system.” A system which the Dean Search Committee made up out of whole cloth, BTW. (*My getting up early relates to getting this email, I think.) Insight: Even though Rick wrote the email, I feel betrayed by Heather who when I asked her about the June 19 trustee meeting on June 24, said that nothing unusual happened. When in fact, they elected a new dean, thereby cancelling my dean candidacy and the platform I ran on.

June 27 dream:  HughJohn very nice to me at work. We go to listen to concert together.

June 27 dream:  Navy men and women officers in dress uniforms selling books at a table outside.

June 26, 2022:  In ’til 10:30ish. Go to Gay Pride parade. Am moved by young Asian guy in parade. Also young Latino guy standing in front of me. Cross over from shady side to sunny side. Accidentally trip (but do not fall) on curb. Wrap my jacket around my waist. Walking around the crowded corner at 8th and Market, guy bumps up against me. I thought he was trying to get by, but later realized that he was probably the one who took my cellphone out of my jacket pocket. He was Asian guy with blue jacket, sunglasses and blue hat (in case any of you run into him). (*I think the theft relates to slipping on curb earlier.) Walk to Castro. Trying to Translate loss, theft, etc. When I realize that nothing can be missing from Truth, which I am, guy dressed as Catholic priest smiles at me. Later woman smiles at me. Go to Castro. Buy Sunday paper at W.G. Pass 440 Club coming and going. Take K home. Go to W.F. Check out in line near Min. He’s still ignoring me. Call phone company and tell them of robbery. Talk with Gabe, a New Yorker who is living in Mexico with his wife and 9-year-old son. Take nap. Do online work. Insight: I feel ashamed that I got my phone stolen.

June 26 dream:  Go up to some man at top of building. Other guy’s phone rings. [I get up to try and answer it.]

June 26 dream:  Someone trying to sympathize with me about my mother’s death.

June 25, 2022:  Get email from Janet C. telling me that the trustees had selected a new Dean at their meeting on June 19, instead of waiting ’til the annual meeting in September as had been planned. I believe they did this to avoid a possibly embarrassing straw poll we were to conduct at June 26 H.W. Meeting. (*Relates to 1st dream of June 21 about being grateful for making it thru, I think.) In’ til 3ish. Call Hanz about new dean selection. Walk to G.P. Different rude barista today. G.P. library. Then walk thru G.C.P. Then M.S. Then #43 home. Insight: Confrontation with Fennie was the Universe allowing me to confront my father. In Fennie’s case, even though I was incomprehensibly fearful of facing him again, he was the one who buckled before I got a chance to confront him at the June 26 H.W. meeting. I posted an Op-Ed about it on the BB. Later in p.m. get email from Anne B. who told me my dean candidacy had been cancelled since I refused to meet with the Dean Search Committee. (*Relates to nasty lady from 2nd dream of June 22, I think.)

June 25 dream:  Rozen water.

June 24, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Still anticipating Sunday H.W. Meeting. Walk to W.P. Talk with Nelson on Ocean Avenue. Go to Peet’s. Eric there. We don’t talk much. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Pam Rodolph emailed minutes from last month’s H.W. meeting. She got most of it right. Which was a relief to me.

June 24 dream:  Sit next to fast take out having dinner. Lend a quarter to a Latino guest. He says, “Now you owe me a dime.” Or something like that. Maybe he’s joking. He says it with a smile.

June 23, 2022:  Online work. Nap. Shits. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Bruce at Peet’s. I’m not in a good mood. Anticipating H.W. Meeting on Sunday. As I leave Peet’s, beautiful woman smiles at me. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue.

June 23 dream:  Newspaper article about shadow of the disease.

June 22, 2022:  I turn on my phone. Sarah calls while my phone is still in my hands. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Stop by 7-11 on Ocean to show my friend the photo I took of him hier. He seemed thrilled. Walk to Peet’s in W.P. Give Daniel secret handshake and he gives me drink discount. Cute guy comes in. I look at Daniel to see if he’s looking at me. Later run into Issa, my newspaper vendor friend. He has a pile of June 17 Chrons celebrating Warriors victory on June 16. I buy one for $5. Then go back to Peet’s and give it to Daniel. Then go back and buy one for myself. Go to W.P. library. Then take T to Castro. Walk by 440 Club. Then walk up Market to Burnett. The L to W.P. Go to W.G. Meet muscular Asian guy who tries to ignore me. Take K home. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: Men and women have different reproductive organs and therefore have different reproductive diseases. Conclusion: Truth is the Self-possessed organic well-being of the polarity of malefemaleness.

June 22 dream:  Something to do with 2000 and “getting that way” (amorous) at parties.

June 22 dream:  Working for really nasty lady at really menial job. Walk out. Then come back. It’s 6:45 p.m. and I get off at 5:00.

June 22 dream:  Going up elevator whose ceiling keeps getting lower and lower. See Tom O. at ticket booth. I try to talk to him but he doesn’t say anything back.

June 21 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Hot day. Daniel, Justin at Peet’s. I sit outside with author of book on non-profit managers thru Untreed Reads publishing company. Daniel gives me free drink because I called him “Twin” and gave him the secret handshake twice. Go to W.P. library. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Hear hawk at St Elmo Way. Email from Janet C. does not include my dean candidate statement as she had promised.

June 21 dream:  Hold hands in circle of gratitude that we made it thru. I brought a bottle of booze.

June 21 dream:  Driving to a couple of spots. My … not very good.

June 21 dream:  Hot guy and pretty girl do the dishes after I had done them.

June 20, 2022:  Heather’s group at 9 a.m. In ’til about 10:30 a.m. #49 downtown to Warriors parade. Beautiful, black skateboarder gets on. I admire him. He smiles. Get to Market Street around 11 a.m. Cute young Asian guy. Was getting panicky due to the big crowds. So I decided to stay as long as I could. Young guy passing by says to me, “You look like Mike Pence.” That made me laugh and kind of broke my panic. I stayed a short while longer but left about 12:30ish. Parade still hadn’t started. Walked through a few more really crowded street corners without a problem. Walked up Market to Castro. Pass 440 Club twice. Take S to W.P. Douglas happy to see me at Peet’s. Bruce there also. Justin comes in. Drops something on the floor. I pick it up and put it on the counter. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue to W.F. Check out with Min instead of Cole. Min snubs me as usual. I see Henry alone at express land so I buy something just to check out with him. Take nap in p.m.

June 19, 2022:  I present a Sunday Meeting on Empathy Circles today at 11 a.m. 15 attend. See “John” on YouTube video. Feel elated/relieved that Sunday meeting is over and it went well. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio, Daniel and Kai at Peet’s. More fun with Daniel. He says if I call him my twin and give the secret handshake, that he’ll comp me my drink. He showed me the handshake. He said he was GOATed (the “Greatest of All Time”). Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Then #43 home. More online work. Hear “Don’t be chicken” on TV.

June 19 dream:  Big welts on my arm. Lots of people sick with AIDS. I think I’m one of them.

June 19 dream:  “The bigger they are, the harder they fall.”

June 19 dream:  “Thad.”

June 19 dream:  Registering for a Prosperos class. Guy there says he’ll see if he can find out the next vagrant vacancy. I say, “Vagrant!” (*Relates to attending Heather’s class on June 20, and feeling like a vagrant.)

June 18, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Evan, Kai, Daniel and Sergio there. Turns out guy with nice body from June 16 was not Kai, but was Evan. He took my order today and offered that he’s “only 17.” Sergio beautiful but nonverbal. Daniel very funny again. He corrects me on his catch phrase from June 15. It’s “bigger than black and white.” Then he told me the artist who sang that (Lil Baby), though he added, “Of course, he got it from me.” I said I was going to the Warriors parade on Monday. He said maybe he’d see me there. I said I’d be up on the truck with Steph. He said, “Yeah, I taught Step how to shoot.” Evan and Kai seemed to enjoy our dialogue. Go to newspaper place nearby. Issa there said he’d try to set aside a Friday Chronicle for me. Then W.P. library. Then walk up Ulloa. See hawk. Continue to M.S. “Sir Allen” smiles at me. After, follow Taylor, I think, to his car. #48 and M and #29 home. Walk thru W.F. Min looks up as I walk by. Run into same woman on the elevator from June 15. She tells me she’s a fine art painter and that she knows Shrey (from Ingleside Gallery) as well.

June 18 dream:  Looking for killer who sentimentally visits place he used to work. Everybody quit once they found out who he is. I then apply for a job at the post office.

June 18 dream:  See Nancy Ryan twice. The 2nd time I go up and talk to her. She doesn’t seem surprised to see me.

June 17, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Me and Heather and Sarah. My new phone arrives. Spend next 3-1/2 hours with Kevin in Manila trying to activate my phone. We finally got it done at 6:30 a.m. Manila time. Do online work ’til 5ish. Go to W.P. Look in vain for S.F. Chronicle on day after Warriors win the national championship. Finally buy a copy of the San Jose Mercury-News. Go to S.B. Walk home via Monterey Blvd. Nemid on bike passes me on Ocean Avenue.

June 17, 2022:  Return to place I used to hang out. Woman who used to like me is sitting on steps looking through a catalog. I say, “Are you looking for something to buy me?” She says, “Sure. Do you want to come in?” I say, “Yes” even though her apartment is next to the resto where I really want to go, which is also cousin Leigh’s place. Waiter there, who happens to be black, happy to see me.

June 16, 2022:  Zoom class on break-out rooms at noon. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Meet John Pierre at Peet’s. He’s been there before but we never made a connection. I complimented him on the string of pearls around his neck. He said they were his mother’s. Nemid, Bruce there also. Other guy talking to his girlfriend. He had a nice body. Later, as I exited, I realized it was Kai. Run into Bruce across the street at Ezzy-Freezy. Walk home via Yerba Buena and Plymouth Avenues. When I get home, I let in visitor to building who went to #308. Warriors win national championship in p.m.

June 16 dream:  Guy shoots me straw wrapping for which to view video. I don’t catch it, though I compliment him on his throw. (h.o.)

June 16 dream:  The King James Bible is the inspired word of God, someone says.

June 15, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Daniel at Peet’s. He admired by “Bernie So Punk” T-shirt. He says, “Do you want anything else?” I ask him if they have burner phones. He tells me he’s come up with a new saying: “It’s not as simple as black and white.” I say that I’ve never heard that one before. He said he just started it and that in 2 or 3 years everybody will be saying it. (*Relates to hawk from hier in G.P., I think.) Kai got his haircut. Nemid there. Sit next to Bruce who tells me about mold. Walk home via Yerba Buena and Plymouth Avenues. See cute guy taking out the garbage on Plymouth. Go to W.F. Meet Jojo at W.F. She asks me what my plans are for the evening. No Quain. Meet woman on elevator. Insight: “Blessed are the meek.” All the people I really love are what one might call “meek.” They are not world-famous or rich. And if there is a God, I can understand why he said that. The meek, the anonymous, the humble are more lovable than the rich and famous, though I’ve always wanted to be rich and famous. Again, if there is a God, do you really think he’s going to be impressed with how nice your house is, how rich and famous you are in the eyes of others. Or will he be impressed with how much you love others and are loved by others.

June 15 dream:  Sister Nancy living at Saratoga house with lots of cats. We talk about my cat Diablo. And Laurie’s cat Blanca who Nancy thought might have been partially owned by my father. Nancy pretends to pounce on me as a cat. Only it had been declawed.

June 15 dream:  Trying to drive the bus to school in L.A. Deliver phone books. Have to sit down and replace pages.

June 14, 2022:  Hear “You have matriculated” in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See hawk briefly at Diamond and Monterey. Go to library. Then C.B. Rude barista there who I’ve seen before. Walk thru G.C.P. Go to M.S. Smile and wave at cute kid with some sort head protection on. See Danny on way out. #48 to W.P. K home. Hear dog bark on K though there is no dog. Go to W.F. Look for Bearberry tea. They don’t have it. Look for Quain. He’s not there.

June 14 dream:  Going for the mid- to groin area on some woman.

June 14 dream:  Picking up wire hangers off the floor before the maid arrives.

June 14 dream:  Take 2nd shower in my new place. Shower seems to be falling apart. And it’s not really mine. It’s my roommate’s.

June 14 dream:  Teacher about to give talk to packed national event. The subject is: “There is No Rule.”

June 13, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Daniel, Douglas and Justin at Peet’s. Have wonderful conversation with Daniel about burner phones. He asks me why I needed one. I tell him. Then I ask him why he needed one. He clams up. I offer, “Drug deals?” He says, “You know, there are some things you want to keep private.” Douglas is sweating ’cause they still haven’t fixed the AC. Tall, long-haired Asian baristo serves me my drink. He tells me his name is Justin. Listen to E.M. Foerster video on my cell phone. Read article on queer art in Sunday Chron. When I get home, I go to Shrey’s apt. one floor down and give him copy of the article. We talk briefly. I feel bad afterwards but then I work thru it. (*Relates to cockroach in the 1st dream of June 12, I think.)

June 13 dream:  Someone trying to fax large package by pretending it’s smaller.

June 13 dream:  Trying to by a large chocolate covered mint at store in Castro which is just closing. Store next door has nothing much.

June 13 dream:  Leigh and Homer have another baby.

June 13 dream:  I threw a piece of litter into the ocean. And went down to see it. The water was beautiful and inviting but I couldn’t see a way out. Cops there thought somebody else did it. I didn’t go in to retrieve it.

June 12, 2022:  In ’til 1:30 p.m. Take K downtown to Target. Beautiful young man gets on with big pit bull dog in his lap. We lock eyes just before he gets off. Get off at Powell. Go to downtown Target. Guy ahead of me buys the last $20 burner phone so I take M to Stonestown Target to get a $20 burner phone. Then take M back to downtown Target. Gay woman named Ashley activates my burner phone. She stands next to me for a few minutes. I feel very attracted to her, like I want to embrace her. Walk up Market to Castro. See Celtics bus arriving on Market Street with police escort. Walk thru Castro. Walk by 440 Club. Take M to W.P. Beautiful Sergio at Peet’s. I tell him I hardly recognized him since his hair is growing back in. Bruce there, too. Take K to Ingleside Gallery to check out queer art show. Talk with Shrey. Go to new Fruit Barn to buy tomato juice and check out cute owner. Go to W.F. Consider checking out with Min or a kind of mean looking straight guy. I chose the straight guy. His name is Quain or something unusual. We chatted briefly about the old cafe at W.F. before the pandemic. He says, “I hope I see you again.” I say, “I live upstairs so I’m sure you will.” I don’t think he’s straight.

June 12 dream:  Find out that Richard Branam, who is staying with us, is a serial killer. Guy on TV in NY trying to say, “Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom.” See big cockroach. Open door and I shoo it out. It flies away. (*Big cockroach relates to talking to Shrey on June 13?)

June 12 dream:  Apparently dead man is carted off to the ambulance from my home.

June 11, 2022:  See video about Near Death Experience in a.m. Lady said some people come back to make up for the wrongs they’ve done to others. Made me happy to think that my father will have to do that someday, somehow. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Daniel and his friend outside Peet’s trying to empty trash can. I offer to help. Homeless guy who looks kind of like my father peeks into Peet’s. I follow him down street to make sure he’s real. Nemid salutes me as I leave. Decide to go to the Castro to see if Cliff’s has burner phones. Guy smiles at me on the way. Train arrives right away. Arrive at Castro. Hear guy on sidewalk mention 440. So I stop in for a minute. Check out cute young bartender. Then stop at Cliff’s. No burner phones. Then Fabulosa Books. Then P.O. Plus is closed. Walk up Market. Walk up steps. Get pricked by bush. It draws blood. Take #48 to W.P. Then M to Stonestown. Stop by Target again. Find out the phone card I bought two days ago requires a $20 burner phone. #29 home. Go to. W.F. Check out with Cole. Beautiful man walks by outside on Ocean Avenue and sort of smiles. I follow him for a bit. (*Relates to prick earlier and to last dream of June 10? Also to last part of May 20 dream: “Later guy with perfect abs wants me to suck his cock. I want to fight him and fuck him.” The guy with the perfect abs was the stranger walking down Ocean Avenue, I think.)

June 11 dream:  Guy trying to find job.

June 11 dream:  Am on path alone. See tiger approach me. Then there were three tigers. I thought, “Well, this could be the end of me.” Then remembered story of woman in a similar situation who ended up riding the tigers.

June 10, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Heather and Sarah and me. Heather begs off early to see anti-vax video with her partner Cindy. (*See first dream of June 9.) In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to W.P. Nice day. Not the scorcher we were told on the news. Though AC at Peet’s had broke. Bruce was siting outside drawing. Nemid there. He comps me my drink. Dominic there too. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Cute Japanese cashier at CVS. Catch #48 to W.P. Take K home. Insight: As i’m waiting for K, I think maybe reason I feel so much body pain is because I’m punishing myself for how callously I reacted to my mother’s death. Then think again. Maybe it wasn’t that. Maybe it was just that when I leaned on my father for emotional support, as I felt I must, he gave me pain instead. The pain was in the form of taking advantage of me emotionally, if not sexually, and then marrying somebody and telling me, in effect, “Don’t look to me for support. Look to your new mother,” who was unable to support anybody emotionally. So it wasn’t a matter of me punishing myself. I think it’s just because, as a child, pain was what I expected. Then it was emotional pain. Now it’s physical pain. The body never forgets. This was triggered the first time when I relied on the J&J vaccine and then told that there may be a small chance it could cause blood clots. It took me almost a year to recover from that pain. And it happened again a few days ago when Kirk M. called and wanted me to get a booster shot so I could attend the Saratoga High School reunion in July. I told him I was hesitant to get a booster shot since I had such a tough time with the initial J&J shot. He asked me to describe my symptoms. I tried to do that and they sort of started up again. I was on the K as I was having this realization and I passed a road sign saying “San Fernando.” I realized that this was probably the true meaning of my May 20 dream in which a huge gap, the San Fernando river, appeared just before I reach the Golden Gate Bridge. Go to W.F. Check out with Min. There is a young woman behind him. I say, “Do you have a trainee?” He pauses. Then says, “No.”

June 10 dream:  Move in with black woman who’s very touchy about everything.

June 10 dream:  Race car getting ready to go.

June 10 dream:  Guys jumping on stepladder and from floor to floor on scaffolding. Then they all come down on roller coaster like cars. …says probably one of the most romantic… He’s inviting us to participate by helping paint this building.

June 9, 2022:  Was all set to call Kirk M. at 1 p.m. to tell him I didn’t want to get a booster shot to attend reunion on July 9. Then my phone didn’t work. Spent next four hours trying to fix it. Then give up. K to W.P. at 4ish. See Kai and Dominic at Peet’s. Then go to S.B. Then take M to Stonestown to get burner phone even though I don’t know what that is. Impish girl on M. Feels like she was representative of my day. Go to Target. Buy $20 phone card. Walk home. Spend more hours trying to figure out how to activate my new phone card. Get community support via email saying I need a new phone for the new plan. So I order a new phone. Now I’m not sure how I’ll activate the new phone without being able to call in for support.

June 9 dream:  Sister Nancy in charge. She has link with other boss. She keeps accidentally knocking over book shelves. (*Relates to Heather on June 10 bowing out of the Translation group to view a vaccination documentary with her “boss.”)

June 9 dream:  Offer to do big copying job for Connie Caves. Then realize how big the job is.

June 9 dream:  Offer to help sweep floor of very nice house I was staying at. Woman says she was taking a dweep.

June 8, 2022:  In’ til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See my shirtless Asian friend on Ocean. Kai at Peet’s. And long-haired Asian baristo there also. I left my newspaper for him as I did on June 6. Online meeting at 7 p.m. with Edwin, Bill and Timothy to discuss election aftermath. Invite Altonya to June 19 Sunday Meeting. Email Rick about Sunday meeting promo.

June 8 dream:  Calvin and I are on our way cross country. He tells me he’s going to split. Staff from resto comes over to sit with us and at table next to us. One guy is shirtless. Woman says Chinese cook keeps trying to get next to her in kitchen. Calvin offers to buy me big dinner at the Nut Tree resto as a sort of peace offering to make up for leaving me. I tell him to drop it. I see my two step-sisters Nancy and Laurie dressed all in black at a nearby table with a third person. They see me. I go over to their table.

June 7, 2022:  Call Ben in a.m. re my Sunday Meeting on June 19. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Sun at G.P. library. Go to C.B. Nobody there I know. Walk thru G.C.P. to #48 to W.P. K home. Stop by newly re-opened Fruit Barn. Talk briefly with good-looking Arab cashier. He smiles. Go to W.F. Home. Chesa loses D.A. recall. Shahid is eliminated as a Congressional finalist. Yuk.

June 7 dream:  Asian woman leader wants my total commitment in tone of voice.

June 7 dream:  Diane wants total commitment from another person, a woman.

June 7 dream:  Cenk Uygur being funny.

June 6, 2022:  Final Empathy Circle facilitator training session from 10 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Nice chat with Daniel at Peet’s. Hot, long-aired Asian baristo reads my newspaper as he passes by. We smile at each other. Hot young man with hot young body comes in. I notice him. Later I run into him standing at crosswalk. I say, “Is it safe to cross?” He smiles and says, “I’m just waiting for an Uber.” Walk up Monterey Boulevard to Safeway. April, check girl, likes my camera. #43 home. Run into Jesse from Railroad Expresso just as my bus arrives. Jesse insists I take it.

June 6 dream:  Really aggressive, short woman at work. She grabs me by the ass. I grab her pussy. We are in line. I say to her, “You really are aggressive, charming, but aggressive.” Older woman wants ticket to event.

June 6 dream:  Doing some kind of taekwondo. Muscular guy there with shirt off. Trainer says, “Where do you think you are? The 5th floor?” Eric Newton there?

June 5, 2022:  Sunday Meeting with Heather at 11 a.m. 20 people attended. Heather and Ben forgot to mention my upcoming Sunday Meeting on June 19. Later, Kirk McKenzie from Saratoga High School class of 1964 calls about upcoming 58th reunion. It was great to talk with him again after 58 years. Walk to W.P. Eric at Peet’s. Restroom is out of order. KPFA’s Talk-It-Out radio show at 7 p.m. was an edited version of the May 22 Empathy Circle for District 11 congressional candidates. It was great!

June 5 dream:  Gay Pride parade starting from the Castro.

June 5 dream:  Run into same two guys in resto I had run into before. On way to car, step-sister Nancy said I’d be getting a house.

June 4, 2022:  Interfaith/No Faith Empathy Circle from 1-3 p.m. Six of us attended. Walk to W.P. Peet’s regular on W.P. Blvd. asks me if I felt the earthquake hier at 5:05 a.m. I say no. Later we talked about it at Peet’s. Kai, Nemid and Daniel at Peet’s. Kai says he likes my clean cut haircut. He then mentions that he gets his haircut from his girlfriend. Nemid happy I bought a Pride tote bag. Daniel happy to see me. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Feel a little depressed. Maybe ’cause of #308 hier.

June 4 dream:  In mid-flight, having to take survey of different…

June 4 dream:  At table, I need to tell Carla to cancel Collin Main deal.

June 4 dream:  I go into my impression of Flo, the waitress, and I say to young boy I’m baby-sitting, “All right, what would you like?” Just then, his mother arrives behind me.

June 3, 2022:  Translation group with Heather and Sarah at 11 a.m. In’ til 2:3ish. Go to Jun’s for haircut. Have to wait more than 30 minutes but we have good time once we start. Jun says I should take photos of people in secret places having sex. As I leave, I take his photo. Walk to G.P. Brandon at C.B. He comps me again. Monday is his last day. I tell him the place will not be the same without him. He says, “We’ll see you.” Walk thru G.C.P. Take L to W.P. Then take K home. Walk thru W.F. home. Run into #308 as I exit the elevator and he gets on. He looks so hot and so happy to see me. He kind of holds the door open for me to get back on. I choose not to. (*Relates to 2nd dream of June 2, I think. Also to shits from hier about the same time?)

June 3 dream:  Stew we were working on looked good at first. Then really dark and watery.

June 2, 2022:  Nasty email from Acting Dean Fennie. Even though he was being the bully I accused him of being, it still felt like a blow to the solar plexus. Empathy Circle facilitator training buddy call with Dwayne from Las Vegas from 2 to 3 p.m. online. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. No one there I know. Not even Bruce, who is usually there on Thursdays. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Feel shitty. Take shits at M.S. Check out with “Haircut Ed.” #43 home.

June 2 dream:  Getting mustered out from U.S. Navy. Can’t find my shoes.. Just have on pants and white T-shirt. Guy I’m with says I’m his senior. He says, “You’re an officer. I’m enlisted.” He’s about to take some loose money of mine on the floor. I say, “Some of that money is mine” and I wake up.

June 2 dream:  Drive off. See Queen Elizabeth or lookalike, Take right turn and fly into the air. The ground is impossibly far down. I say, “I’m not doing this” and I wake up. (*Relates to seeing an open and inviting #308 on elevator on way in on June 3.)

June 2 dream:  Pass car with lots of stickers on it. I say to myself, “I am a free man. I am not a Negro.”

June 1, 2022:  Monthly BB and bills. Join “MenAlive” online from 3-4 p.m. to discuss the “father wound.” Leave home about 4:20. Feel shitty. Come back. Take shits. Leave again about 4:30ish. Walk to W.P back way. Daniel and Kai at Peet’s. Daniel’s 5th day. I leave at 6 p.m. when they close. Go to S.B. Stay ’til 7ish. Walk home. Go to W.F. Check out with Min and Kevin, same tough fat guy from hier. Also beautiful woman worker. Min kind of rude to me. Insight: Always thought if John and I got together that he would fuck me. Now I think it’s the other way round. Very noisy kids running down hallway and screaming. I go out to look ’cause the screaming sounded serious. They were playing with their dog. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: People behave in a bratty manner ’cause they know they can get away with it. Conclusion: Truth is ripe with blameless right action. Later realized that my feeling of being beleaguered that I’ve run into time after time in my life relates to my feeling beleaguered with my father, having, in effect, to be a parent to him but still pretend to be his child.

June 1 dream:  Woman in hospital we were visiting was Liz Andrews, who was dead.

May 31, 2022:  Get up at 6:30 a..m to sort out my Republic Wireless phone problem. Then get up at 9:30 a.m. to sort out my Bilt app rental payment problem. Then get up at 12:30 p.m. Join Zoom demo meeting late. In ’til about 5ish. Walk down Ocean. Pass Barry Hermanson and Shrey Purohit on sidewalk. They don’t notice me. Take K to W.P. Sergio and Kai and new baristo named Daniel at Peet’s. Had to look 3 or 4 times to make sure it was Sergio. Leave Peet’s at 6 p.m. when they close. Go to Starbucks. Point out dying plant at the S.B. doorway to new baristo. Walk home. Tough fat guy on Ocean smirks at me. Go to W.F. Check out with Kevin, who’s also a tough fat guy who also sort of smirks at me. Ben G. leaves nasty comment for Richard B.’s post on BB. I trash it.

May 31 dream:  Meet young man who I thought was a monkey, but as soon as he talked he had the face of a good-looking young man. He’s taking classes of a sort right here at Amiga. We had to climb steep path made of used tire treads or something.

May 31 dream:  Guy says we have a rat problem.

May 31 dream:  Dream that my step-sister Laurie unexpectedly died.

May 31 dream:  Copying some background info from one screen to another.

May 30, 2022:  Empathy Circle facilitation training session no. 4. A great session. The idea of community grief came up in regard to the Uvalde murders. Work on Bilt app for paying my rent. In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to Safeway. #43 home. Work on new resident app. Republic Wireless tech support tells me that I can’t get texts or incoming calls or voicemail until June 3. So I should take out the new SIM and put in the old SIM card ’til June 2. Learn also that Mercury is retrograde until June 3. Later get message from Republic Wireless that my line has been disconnected. I freak. Of course, it’s too late to call them so I spend a sleepless night Translating and freaking out. Wake up at 6:30 a.m. on May 31 and they tell me everything’s fine. Realize also that I don’t have to use the Bilt app to pay my rent unless I want to. I don’t want to.

May 30 dream:  Mark I, chapter 8. [Chapter 8 of Mark refers to the loaves and fishes story. But Mark 1:8 refers to being baptized by the Holy Spirit.]

May 29, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Kai and Douglas and barista at Peet’s. Nice connection with Kai and barista as I leave. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. See crows chase hawk on the way up. Get very excited about Henrik Ibsen’s play called Rosmersholm which inspired my insight that we all have two kinds of desire: conscious and unconscious. My conscious desire was to be a “good boy.” My unconscious desire was to get rid of my mother so I could have my father all to myself.

May 29 dream:  Sending letter out to a whole list of people. Somebody calls me up and says that I can’t mention some book or item on the front page. I say, “Okay, tell me why.”

May 29 dream:  Dog really happy to see me.

May 28, 2022:  Put in new SIM card in my cellphone. Call tech support (some guys in Manila who I could barely understand) at least five times. I takes me a couple of hours but I do it. Though I feel exhausted by it. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Kai and Nedim and Bruce at Peet’s. Kai tells me about Mac Miller, a rapper who died at 25. Later I listen to Mac’s The Divine Feminine which was pretty good. I posted it on the BB. Feeling “not good enough” for John. (*Relates to shitty toilet paper I was trying to discard in dream of May 24, I think.)

May 28 dream:  Spending the weekend with Nancy and Laurie and some other woman who wants me to make her a Bloody Mary. I laugh when Nancy grabs this woman by the left buttock when she should have grabbed her by the right.

May 28 dream:  Hypnogogic dream: Hear group of men laughing at me. (*John and his “siblings”?)

May 28 dream:  Writing a report to students and teacher of The Prosperos. It turns into a newsletter article.

May 27, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group with Sarah and Heather at 11 a.m. Good group. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. go to library. Then C.B. Brandon there. He tells me he’s going to be leaving C.B. on June 6. He comps my matcha latte and banana bread. I say good-bye to him. He tells me that me and one other person really made his experience at C.B. worthwhile. Then he says, “Don’t fall” and I remember I was on the way to visiting him on February 21 when I fell. And I said to Brandon, “I remember that you were there for me that day” when I came in all bloody and shaken up. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk circles me as I enter. Go to M.S. Check out with “Haircut Ed.” #43 home.

May 27 dream:  Going thru mail. Sitting at table with John. A letter to him slipped out. “Why didn’t you tell me I had mail?” he says. “I didn’t know,” I reply. It’s some sort of prize/advertisement.

May 26, 2022:  Cleaning lady comes by at 11 a.m. She stays for three hours. She was pretty slow and not very thorough and didn’t get around to all the things I hoped she would. She/they charged $100. I thought I deserved the luxury of having somebody come in and clean for me to celebrate my 10 year anniversary of being here. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Meeting my Hemingway friend, Marcus, on the way. He tells me he is reading Hemingway’s Garden of Eden. Bruce at Peet’s. Also barista I like. Pick up my cleaned carpet (for $120). Take K home. Clean up parts of my place the cleaning lady missed. Now I’m all cleaned up and ready to go.

May 25, 2022:  Go to CopyEdge. Run into Tom Blair from CCSF there. Run into Shrey on sidewalk. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Kai, Eric and Nemid at Peet’s. Leave about 5 p.m. Walk down W.P. Blvd. Stop by C.S. Reading Room to see Ladi, but he’s not in. Walk home. Think “I’ve got to be rich of famous to be listened to.” Guy smiles at me. Stop at W.F. Talk with cute, young, hair-dyed guy named Mason who is in charge of the vegetable department. I say, “You’re doing a great job.” He smiles. Check out with Harrold with two “r’s.” Joke with guy behind me in line about Paris with one “r.”

May 25 dream:  Resetting my connections. (h.o.)

May 25 dream:  Touring Ocean Front Walk apartment building. It was a dive when I lived there in 1973. But now parts of it are really nice and are part of a really nice neighborhood.

May 24, 2022:  Edwin sends me video of May 22 Empathy Circle. I watch it all. Very happy with it. In ’til 4:30ish. Shits before I leave. Walk to G.P library. Friendly guy on Circular Avenue smiles at me as I think John must really like me. Shits at G.P. library. Then follow good looking Latino man with black shirt and really tight white pants into burrito shop. When he leaves, I leave. Walk to G.C.P. Guy on Arbor Drive, washing his car. I say, “Are you the guy with the dogs that bark at me all the time?” He says, “Probably.” I say, “Where are they?” He says, “They’re probably inside.” I say, “Well, they’re not doing their job.” He smiles. Then they start barking. Walk thru G.C.P. Then go to M.S. Homeless guy on Portola Drive rushes up to me and says, “Give it with gusto! Give it with gusto!” See “Sir Allen” at M.S. but he doesn’t see me. Check out with middle-aged guy. I say, “Where’s your name tag.” He says, “It fell off.” I say, “I hope that doesn’t mean anything.” He lets out a loud, evil guffaw. And immediately became a much more interesting person. Walk to Laguna Honda Blvd. Beautiful dark-haired young man walking with young woman. As I pass, I see how handsome he is and I kind of fall backwards. I think he noticed. #43 home.

May 24 dream:  Up in the North Bay visiting relatives. It’s a nice place. I have a piece of shitty toilet paper in my hand. I’m trying to find a place to throw it away. One of my aunts tells me, “You’ll be living here. You’re in.”

May 23, 2022:  Third Empathy Circle facilitation training from 10 a.m. to 12:30ish. Good group. We had to handle challenges that the facilitator might need to handle. Decide to try to fix my DVD player. Go to place in Colma. The guy is Asian and wants to have me pay him on the tailgate of his truck. He was asking $40 for an estimate. I think he was a scam artist. Take BART back to Glen Park. Really cute young blond guy with his girlfriend. He tries to avoid my glance. Then Muni to 20th and Mission electronics store. The guy gave me a piece of crap DVD player for $40. I say “piece of crap” ’cause I couldn’t get it to work. But the salesman I ended up with was handsome and his smile was worth at least $40. I call Best Buy. Very nice guy on the phone. I plan to go in the next day so I ask him if he’s going to be there tomorrow. He says no. So I go down to Best Buy about 6 p.m. When I get there the young man I got was not thrilled to see me. But I bought a name brand $40 DVD player and an HDMI chord for almost $40. And I got it home and was finally able to make it work.

May 23 dream:  Am talking with gay historian. John is with me. I tell John that Anne Fortune, the woman I was talking to, used to be Harvey Milk’s chief aide.

May 23 dream:  I make a face at a homeless Bob Labansat. He says he’s going to get back at me some day. Am on crowded bus. Robby McEwen is driving us over aqua green water at edge of ocean. I wondered how that was happening. But we kept going.

May 22, 2022:  High Watch meeting at 9 a.m. Much ado about the Dean straw poll again. District 11 Congressional candidate empathy circle from noon to 2ish. At first, it looked like it would just be me, Shahid Buttar and Timothy Regan from KPFA. An hour into it, we were joined by Bianca Von Krieg. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio there again. He waits on me. I noted that he no longer had on black fingernail polish. I ask him about it. He says his girlfriend asked him to try it, but that he didn’t like it. Talk with Hanz on phone for about an hour about H.W. Meeting in a.m. Stay at Peet’s ’til almost 6 p.m. Sergio sees me leave. (*Relates to shits from hier about the same time?)

May 22 dream:  Young woman on Market Street gives me eye dropper object which will show me what used to be.

May 21, 2022:  Get email from Shahid Buttar being wobbly about attending District 11 Empathy Circle tomorrow. (*See dream of May 20.) Interfaith Empathy Circle from 1-3 p.m. Heather attends. It’s a good group. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s. As I leave, he’s picking up the tables from outside. I say, “Closing up?” He smiles. Walk around W.P. a bit. Feel a bit “shitty.” Then a lot “shitty.” Rush to S.B. bathroom. Take shits. Unfortunately the toilet doesn’t flush. Have to tell baristo. How embarrassing. Take K to W.F. Check out with Min who looks like he just got a haircut. I say, “New haircut?” He smiles.

May 20, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Sarah and Heather and I. It was a really good group. Order apartment cleaning for May 26. In ’til 4ish. My alarm clock is broken so I take #43 to Cole Valley to get new clock. Stop at Peet’s. #37 to Castro comes right away. Walk by 440 Club. Lots of older gay men outside. (*See first dream of May 19.) As I walk up 18th Street, older woman nods at me as if in approval. Walk up Market to M.S. Run into my good-looking homeless friend Christian. His wife’s pregnant so they’re looking for housing through Linkage in S.F. I give him $20 though I would have given him $10 if I had had the change. Wait for #48 with young man with curly hair and pink finger nail polish. As soon as I get on bus I catch the eye of slouching bad boy with Elvis Presley sneer. I sit across from him and pretend to be overwhelmed. Take K home. Send email update to May 22 Empathy Circle. Turns out my alarm clock was not broken. The battery had just run down. Find big pimple on my chin. (Will I ever outgrow my adolescence?) Find out I’m now in Nancy Pelosi’s District 11, no longer Jackie Speier’s district. Made me happy.

May 20 dream:  About to arrive at destination, the Golden Gate Bridge. Suddenly a big gap appears. It is the San Fernando River. Later guy with perfect abs wants me to suck his cock. I want to fight him and fuck him.

May 19, 2022:  Renew lease online. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. See my shirtless Asian friend on Ocean. Dominic at Peet’s. I compliment him on his T-shirt which he says he designed himself by putting a black T-shirt in with a lot of bleach. Bruce there also. See homeless man pushing a cart stick his face in the door at Peet’s. He looks like John. (*Relates to shits from hier at about the same time?) Walk home. Stop at W.F. Check out with guy who made me feel good. Call John in p.m. and ask him if he was in W.P today. He says he wasn’t. So was it a tulpa who stuck his head in the door at Peet’s? (*Relates to first dream of May 16?) See “Golden Opportunity” in p.m.

May 19 dream:  John shows up at store I’m at. I say, “I was just thinking about you,” which I was. Then some other gay guys start gathering around us. I say, “Oh, I see you brought a troupe.” He says he just saw the movie Sibling at the Castro Theatre. Then he starts holding hands with one of the gay guys. They’re all older than him. I’m feeling more and more out of the loop. John is acting giddier and giddier. (*Relates to walking past 440 Club on May 20 and seeing all the older gay men there, I think.)

May 19 dream:  My boss gets very angry at me. He accused me of putting something in his ear. He showed me a small pink string with a small bulb at the end. It said “Saratoga High School” on it. He asked me about the Brever account. I said, “I don’t know anything about it.”

May 18, 2022:  Talk with Selene Aitken, my Empathy Circle trainer, at 2 p.m. In ’til 4ish. Walk out. Have to take shits. Walk home. Take shits at about 4:30 p.m. Take K to W.P. Eric, Kai and Nedim at Peet’s. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Sammy instead of Min. Min looks on in anger?

May 17, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See Nelson at W.G. on Ocean Avenue. Douglas at Peet’s. Not wearing a mask. Looks really handsome. Nemid there. Also hottish Asian baristo. Cute Waldorf student tries to stare me down. I grab my crotch in response. Take #23 to Safeway. Cute student sits in back. Girl looks back at him. I lay off since he seems a bit defensive. But I do look back after I get off the bus. Go to Safeway. #43 home.

May 17 dream:  Guy at patio of fast food resto. Asks for help with his plane. Other guy (a pilot who’s done this before) with a Raiders of the Lost Ark outfit gets in single engine plane and it takes off on its own.

May 16, 2022:  Facilitator training week 2 from 10 a.m. to 12:30. In ’til 4ish. K to Castro. Fabulosa Books. Last time. Decide to go to City Hall to see Supervisor Rafael Mandelman to ask him to act as a surrogate for Nancy Pelosi at May 22 Empathy Circle. Take T to Van Ness. Then #49 on new Van Ness BRT. Mandelman not in. Go to Myrna Melgar’s office. Meet her aide, Megan Imperial. She likes me. I like her. She says she probably can’t help me. Check out 1030 :Polk Street resto. Then take #49 home. Feel bad. No one is answering my emails. No Prosperos. No Empathy Circle speakers. And I’m taking on all the blame.

May 16 dream:  Sitting with John at his workplace. He points out to me something he thinks is funny. Our arms are intertwined.

May 16 dream:  Black guy says to other black guy, “Go out there and be ostentatious.”

May 16 dream:  Computer printout of all my dreams for the last several years.

May 15, 2022:  In ’til 2:30ish. K to Castro. Creepy skateboarder with cute sidekick. Go to Fabulosa Books. Only one bag left. See my book on rites of initiation on display at the front desk. Think it’s a sign that I’m undergoing such a rite. Go to W.G. Walk to G.P. See blue bird at peak. Daniel at C.B. Also Jessica (from April 18). She smiled at me when I noticed her. I sat next to her as it was the only seat available, but I didn’t initiate any further conversation with her. And neither did she. See beautiful young blond guy at Diamond and Bosworth. Take #23 to Foerster. Then realize blond guy would probably be on #36. So I get off and wait for #36. When it arrived, he was sitting alone at the back of the bus. I sit down on the other side of the back seat. I stay on ’til he gets off somewhere in Midtown Terrace. Realize he wasn’t homeless. He just used that as a kind of disguise. (*Relates to circling hawk from hier?) Stay on #36 to Forest Hill. Jump onto #43. Accidentally bump into beautiful, well-dressed biracial woman who smiles nicely at me when I apologize for bumping her. See Ft. Collins, CO, on DVD.

May 15 dream:  Three strings attached to coffee cup.

May 15 dream:  Clear creek with big angel fish swimming in it. Also two tigers. Woman swims toward guy. He breaks away. Then bites the tiger and runs away.

May 14, 2022:  Three strong heart palpitations about 3 a.m. on going to sleep. In ’til 2ish. Wait 40 minutes for K. Go to Castro. Big pro-choice rally. Go to Fabulosa Books. Go to W.G. Pass handsome black-haired Asian guy sitting at table on Castro. Double back and speak with him briefly. Wait for #35. Walk up a block. Take #24 to 26th Street. Walk to Diamond. #35 to G.P. Go to library. Then Canyon Market patio with Carlos Hernandez and Leslie from Braver Angels. Take #44 to S.B. Portola Drive. Nice interaction with baristo named Angel. Hawk, I think, circling on Portola. #48 to W.P. K home. Go to W.F. Want to check out with Emily, but decide I should check out with Min. He’s still taciturn.

May 14 dream:  By shooting 3 or 4 targets, we will get help. (h.o.)

May 14 dream:  Staying at George H.W. Bush’s beautiful, modern, rough-textured cement house with wood trim. Wondered when I would have my own home. Some homeless people breathing on the windows. I tease them for a while. Then I open the window to talk with them. Later homeless woman marches off to fight saying that I told them that old homeless people were homosexual.

May 13, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group from 11 a.m. to noon with Heather and Sarah. Heather rally concerned about a one-world government and losing her property rights. Then she questions my Translation. That upset me. Work on it all day. Realize I had the same relationship with my father. He was somebody I didn’t respect and when he would criticize me I felt frustrated ’cause I didn’t have the nerve or the trust in him to come right out and say that. Linda Bass, Empathy Circle facilitator, calls me at 2 p.m. We talk for about a half hour. She’s a church-going black woman who lives in Texas and who I like a lot. I explain the empty chair technique to her. She asked, “Can you talk to a hypothetical rapist that way?” I say, “Sure.” In ’til 4ish. K to Castro. Go to Fabulosa Books. Then pass 440 Club. Walk up Market to L to W.P. Go to S.B. Lots more bratty kids. K to W.P. Nice connection with bakery guy. Check out wit Emily.

May 13 dream:  Have to go back to work. Walk in and the place is painted all white. Someone jokes that I could do a mural to add some color.

May 12, 2022:  Talk with Carlos Hernandez from Braver Angels. In ’til 3ish. K to Castro. Waldorf kids get on at W.P. Short, dark and handsome kid sits near me. I check him out. As I get off he closes his eyes and lays back with his legs crossed. I brush up against his leg with my tote bag. Go to Fabulosa Books. Then follow smoking (Iiterally) Asian guy up Castro. Check out 440 Club to see if he’s there. He isn’t. Walk up 18th Street. Go to P.O. Walk up Market to M.S. Check out with Quincy. Show him photo I took of him, on my cellphone. Go to S.B. Give $2 to Randy. Handsome homeless guy comes in with his dog. And later comes back to pick up something he forgot. Lots of loud, bratty SOTA kids. Order Roundtable pizza. #43 home. Chat with Edwin about May 22 Empathy Circle for District 11 Congressional candidates. Alex from the Czech Republic is supposed to call at 11 p.m. (8 a.m. his time) but we email instead.

May 12 dream:  Candidate eating and talking where my genitals usually are.

May 11, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. K to Castro. W.G. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Market to #48 to W.P. Kai and Eric at Peet’s. Bruce also. Talk with woman about Think Again book by Adam Grant. K to W.F. Order veggie BLT from counter guy from April 30 and his friendly friend. He’s a lot cuter and nicer today. Check out with Henry and his friend. Decide not to attend Dean Search Committee interview I was invited to via email earlier in the day.

May 11 dream:  Living room conversations.

May 10, 2022:  Hear Emma on Majority Report say, “Everything’s connected.” In ’til 3ish. K to Castro. Cute, blond, thin, tough-acting teen gets on. Pretends to be all macho. Finally when he leaves, he smiles self-consciously at me. Go to Castro. Go to Fabulosa Books. Then W.G. Walk to G.P. Sun at library. Dave at C.B. Barista there kind of rude. Leave message for robocaller, “Yes, I’m interested.” #36 to Foerster. Get burrito at food wagon. Check in on Jun. He’s busy cutting somebody’s hair. Walk to Gennessee. #43 home. Walk home with Peter.

May 10 dream:  Honoring the war dead. Very old guy says he’s conservative. I say, “I’m very liberal and I think what you are doing is great.” We hug. And almost kiss.

May 10 dream:  Women basketball players putting bottles up up each other’s vaginas.

May 10 dream:  Hear “See you Saturday.”

May 9, 2022:  Empathy Circle facilitator training from 10 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. 23 attended. In ’til 3ish. Take K to Castro. Lots of teens from Waldorf School get on. Make connection with gay student. He gets off at Castro. I run after him. Pass 440 Club. Lose student on 18th Street. Go to Fabulosa Books. Walk to G.P. Dave at C.B. #23 to Safeway. Talk with cute Asian guy checking out the strawberries. I say, “Are they in season?” He says he doesn’t know. I say, “Well they look good” and walk away. I think he was interested in me but I wasn’t really interested in him. Was about to get down on myself again as I usually do. But I caught myself. #43 home.

May 9 dream:  Moving from 12 to 13.

May 9 dream:  A guy named Jil.

May 9 dream:  Carol Carter and Marilyn Deurell are still alive.

May 8, 2022:  Get call from Monkeybrains. Internet back up. This time they don’t blame me. In ’til 3ish. K train breaks down as soon as I arrive at Lee Avenue station. Take #29 to M. Flirt with cute young guy sitting across from me, trying to ignore me. Take M to Castro. Fabulosa Books. Pass large unbussed table at parklet on Castro. I say to young man standing next to me, “Looks like a big dinner.” He agrees. Look back at him and smile. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Market to L to W.P. Go to Starbucks. Nice barista there. K home.

May 8 dream:  Working on somebody’s will. I become an “eiree.”

May 8 dream:  Having a shark tank in my living room.

May 8 dream:  Something to do with Billye Talmadge [who pointed out to me my people pleaser personality many years ago].

May 7, 2022:  My birthday a few years ago. Online Interfaith (and No Faith) Empathy Circle from 1-3 p.m. About 12 of us attended. Woman from country of Georgia. Polish man from Germany convinced me to become an anarchist. In ’til 4ish. K to Castro. Bag of books to Fabulosa Books. Pass 440 Club. Walk up Market to M.S. Check out with Quincy whose picture I took a few days ago. I told him his photo was probably on F.B. He said he quit F.B #48 to W.P. Go to S.B. Tall woman comes in with very short skirt. I look at her. She smiles. (*Relates to lions chasing zebra dream of May 6.) Take K home. See “Perfection.” My grocery bag drops over. Three people rush to help me out. Order Vietnamese sandwich. Woman says, “Just one/” As if, naturally, I’d be ordering one for my partner at home. As I’m about to turn in for the night, internet goes down and loud party downstairs breaks up. I say, “Shut the fuck up. It’s 3 in the morning.”

May 6, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Heather and Sarah and I attend. Ned dropped out. Go to copy shop. Pick up invitation for Nancy Pelosi to attend Empathy Circle. Take K to Civic Center. Go to Federal Building at 90-7th Street. Security guards won’t let me in. They say her office is closed. They make me go outside to call Pelosi’s office. Office says it’s closed due to COVID. I tell security guard he should have told me that. He agrees and says, “Have a nice day.” I say, “Fuck you.” I don’t remember ever being so angry. (*Relates to the fight with my father which I wasn’t looking forward to in dream of May 4, I think.) Walk up to Castro. Step into 440 Club. Only one customer at the bar. I say to bartender, “Did I come too early?” he says, “No. We open at noon.” Go to Castro P.O. Mail invite to Pelosi. Walk up 18th and Market to #48 to W.P. As I get off the back door of the bus see beautiful guy get on at the front door. So I rush to the front door to get a closer look. The black female bus driver is amused at how quickly this guy turned my head. Go to Peet’s. Douglas there. Have nice connection with him. Walk down W.P. See and talk with Ladi at C.S. Reading Room. As I leave, I say, “I feel like I’ve been to Sunday School.” Long wait for K. Have connection with young teen with dark hair and dark eyes. Go to W.F. Check out with trainee Alex who was working with Min. have nice conversation with Alex. Min is still mute.

May 6 dream:  Outlook.

May 6 dream:  Going thru vast landscape. See unicyclist. Think I’d like to explore this. Later see three lions chasing zebra. Think I’m better off where I am. Then realize I’m vulnerable too. Try to paddle with my hands but I’m not going anywhere.

May 6 dream:  Give cookie to tiger who seemed to remember me. (*Relates to realizing first dream of May 6 did not relate to real lions, but to my fear of my own sexuality.)

May 5, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Take K to Castro. Young teen gets on and sits across from me. He gets off at Castro as do I. Pass 440 Club. Go to Fabulosa Books. Then W.G. Pass 440 Club again. Walk up Market to #48 to W.P. Another young teen boy connects with me. Go to Peet’s Sergio there. At one point he is standing close to where I am sitting and I can feel my desire for him in my chest. Decide to go to Pelosi office demain to invite her to Empathy Cafe. (*See last dream of May 4.) Pam sent out Dean Straw Poll email to the entire High Watch. That felt that a real accomplishment.

May 5 dream:  Woman says she’ll drive to three locations and choose the room she’ll stay at.

May 5 dream:  Getting ready for big party. Three of us rent a room and get dressed. I wear loud blue and silver shirt, even louder than the red and black shirt worn by the tall, well-built black guy.

May 5 dream:  Helping little Chinese girl with her homework.

May 4, 2022:  Internet goes down. Then up. Monkeybrains blames me. In ’til 2:30ish. K to Castro. Bag of books to Fabulosa Books. W.G. Walk up Market to #48 to W.P. Nedim and Kai at Peet’s. Also obnoxious trio of local school kids. Take K home. As I get on train, elderly Asian man motions me to a vacant seat. Makes my day. Timothy Regan of KPFA and Shahid Buttar agree to May 22 Empathy Circle. Send out invite to others.

May 4 dream:  Dad gets home. So do Laurie and Nancy. Laurie is pregnant. I know I have to say good-bye to them. I can’t just leave. But I don’t want another fight.

May 3, 2022:  In ’til 2:30ish. Take K to Castro Distant hawks on Ocean. Take books to Fabulosa Book. Go to W.G. Walk to G.P. Hawk and crow on Farnum Street. Dave at C.B. Also Jessica from April 18 with a new short haircut. #36 to Forest Hill. #43 home. Guy/woman getting off #43. We exchange glances. She has the build of man but the hair and face of a woman.

May 3 hypnagogic dream:  German Shepard dog.

May 3 dream:  Construction at Democracy Now!

May 2, 2022:  In ’til 2:30ish. K to Castro. Felt safe to take escalator up at Harvey Milk Plaza. But I was wrong ’cause beautiful young man walks down the steps and I miss him ’cause I took the escalator. I rush down to Castro Station and try to find him. A train arrives and departs for the west. I miss him. He’s no where to be found. Pledge I’ll never take that escalator again (unless I’m following somebody up). Go to Fabulosa Books. Then W.G. Then walk to G.P. Dave at C.B. #23 to Safeway. Check out with Dominic. He’s business admin. student at S.F. State. Run into Hemingway friend at Gennessee & Monterey. (See diary of October 8, 2021.) Walk home. Shahid Buttar calls me in p.m. I suggest he join an Empathy Circle. Talk with Edwin Rutsch (from Empathy Circles) later.

May 2 dream:  Laying down. Riding in a bus. Old woman in fur coat blocks exit. When I finally decide to kick her, she’s not there any more.

May 2 dream:  Woman objects to construction of big steel building in Paris. Says it will make it harder for people. Later visit my father who is baby-sitting his three kids and a second cousin. All are in, like, shoe boxes.

May 1, 2022:  Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 3ish. K to Castro. 3rd bag of books to Fabulosa Books. Walk up 18th Street to P.O. Then up Market to #48 to W.P. On way to Peet’s, follow young man into Calibur hamburger shop. Go to Peet’s. Talk a lot with Eric and later with Nedim. Take shits in restroom. Go to Calibur. On leaving guy from Calibur, who I had seen before, give me penetrating look which knocks me off balance. Walk down W.P. Look into Goat Hill Pizza. Exchange look with cashier there. Then exchange look with cute guy on sidewalk. K comes right away. Go to W.F. Follow long-haired guy to medical aisle. He leads me to caricature of hunky guy with blond hair in his face, muscles and tight pants, standing on a ladder with a blank look on his face. I think, “Okay, that’s just too much” and walk on. Check out with Cole. Pushy guy behind me, just like hier.

May 1 dream:  I am watching over river. Beautiful red-haired man. Then his beautiful red-haired girlfriend. My boss is jumping on plywood over river. I tell him not to do that. He falls in. I stick my face in the water to try to see him. Then he is out of the river, in a basement. He runs into his former wife.

April 30, 2022:  Woke up earlier than usual to a lot of construction noise. Go outside to see what is going on. Run into guy who is doing the same thing. We talk briefly. His name is Jun. Afterwards, I figured out that he is probably Shrey’s roommate one floor below me. Take K to Castro. Take 2nd bag of books to Fabulosa Books. Go to W.G. Let two other guys go before me so I can check out with Alan, a sweet good-looking young man. Pass by 440 Club. Walk up Market to S.B. Portola. They’re open but no indoor seating. Walk down to W.P. Go to S.B there. They stay open ’til 8 p.m. K to W.F. Stand in line for burrito. Guy tries to cut in front of me. He puts his order in basket and leaves. Counter guy lets me go first. I get burrito. It’s not very good. Check out with Min who is very taciturn.

April 30 dream:  Walking thru office of 1907 President of U.S. Just a lot of cubicles.

April 30 dream:  Trying to find the town of Michigan.

April 30 dream:  Go to party. Bill Chiles looks really good. Other guy is fooling around with him so I decide to also. After, riding 4-wheel bike on Mission Street. Realize I forgot my leather jacket.

April 29, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Three of us attend. At one point, Heather questions me about something and I can feel myself become very defensive. Take K to rug cleaners. Leave off my 4×6 throw rug with 10 years of accumulated dust and dirt. They say it’ll be ready in 2-3 weeks. Go to Peet’s W.P. Douglas there. We talk briefly. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” #43 home.

April 29 dream:  Finish my assignment to prepare and eat a meal. It was pretty good. Had some left over. Strange guy comes over to say goodbye.

April 29 dream:  Guy asks me out to party. He kisses me. Then other guy comes up to me while we are talking. Then woman.

April 28, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Take K to Castro. It looks pretty good. Take bag of books to Fabulosa Books. Then go to S.B. on 18th Street. Customer smiles at me. Is he coming on to me? Take shits there. Walk to G.P. Sun at library. C.B. about to close at 5 p.m. so I decide to go home. See that #35 to Castro is arriving in a minute so I take #35 to Castro. Pass 440 Club. See two cute guys at Market and Castro. One with a cute ass. The other was a vaper with a cute face. Decide to follow the vaper. Lose him on the other side of Castro. (*Relates to shits from hier on getting home?) Take K home. Run into #308 and his wife and daughter on walking to my apartment. I turn around twice to see if it’s him.

April 28 dream:  My father comes to work dressed up. I’m also a bit dressed up. He says, “Do you have a date?” I had one last Friday. I say “No.” His hair was all combed forward. Usually he combs it back.

April 28 dream:  List of financial entities like securities, concierge. I don’t know what concierge means.

April 28 dream:  Clearing off everybody’s picnic table and my own. Have to finish by noon. Guy says, “It doesn’t matter.” I say, “It does.”

April 27, 2022:  Get lottery email for 949 Post Street. Not sure I want to return to that neighborhood. Walk to W.P. Run into shirtless Asian friend on Ocean. Feel “shitty” on way to W.P. Eric and Kai at Peet’s. Kai tells me that Kai is Hawaiian for “ocean.” Talked briefly with Kai and Eric. Two of Eric’s good-looking friends wait for me to finish. Blond one smiled at me like a lover. Jasper Craig and his mom at Peet’s. She was adjusting his pants. Seemed inappropriate to me. Walk up Ulloa. Run into Jasper Craig and his mom again. He waves at me. I wave back. #43 home. Go to W.F. Check out with Dylan. Take shits on arriving home. Started cleaning up my library.

April 27 dream:  My TV threatened me not to turn the channel. I did anyway. Tried to get channel 60.

April 27 dream:  Big N.Y. art show in gallery with floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the Castro. Somebody is trying to change my mind to not quit.

April 27 dream:  Realize I don’t like Harriet and don’t like my father that much and that I don’t have to visit them if I don’t want.

April 26, 2022:  Submit “straw poll for Dean” email from me and Hanz. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Sun at library. Older guy and young girl flirt with me at C.B. Walk to Safeway. As I cross street swarthy taxi driver honks at me. I had the right of way. Wondered why he was honking. As he passed he leered at me. He was hot for my soon-to-be-76-year-old ass!!! Walk on to Safeway. #43 home.

April 26 dream:  Trying to do my work but the electricity is out.

April 25, 2022:  #29 and #38 to VA podiatry appointment at 11 a.m. Dr. Mah said I no longer have a callous on my foot. We fist bump. He says now I can go back to walking on the beach. “I know you like to do that,” he says. (*Relates to distant hawks circling each other hier?) Go to La Promenade. Then stop in great cafe on Balboa with home-made bread and baked goods. And beautiful muscular man holding his baby in his arms. I circled around him to get a better view. Walk thru G.G. Park to Inner Sunset. N to Cole Valley. Go to Peet’s. Stay ’cause of tall young man in white T-shirt. But we have no connection. As I leave he was surrounded by older women customers. Tried to get Vietnamese sandwich at Luke’s. Line too long. #43 home. Go to W.F. Took several minutes trying to get Jeremy’s attention in the bakery department. It was worth it. He, too, was surrounded by female attention. Call Hanz in p.m. Insight: Maybe my fear is really my father’s fear.

April 25 hypnagogic dream:  Woman in sun dress painting my apartment white.

April 25 dream:  Something to take to have a mystical experience. Looked like a chocolate sundae.

April 25 dream:  Statue of seated man joins em in our group meditation. After, he’s escorted away.

April 25 dream:  Confrontation with the trustees in conference room on top floor of S.F. office building with view of the bay. Someone says I should leave. I don’t. Then someone calls. And we all laugh ’cause we knew somebody probably would call.

April 24, 2022:  High Watch meeting at 9 a.m. They accept my idea to have a Dean straw poll. Talk with Hanz after. Interfaith Empathy Café from 1-3. About 10-12 people. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Peet’s W.P. Anonymous call while I’m ordering. Talk with Eduardo. He’s not only a baristo, but he’s a climate scientist who’s going back to London in a few weeks for a job. Kia there too. Walk up Ulloa. Beautiful dark-haired, dark-eyed young man at the corner of Ulloa and W.P. Nice young skateboarder on Ulloa. Distant hawks. #43 home.

April 24 dream:  Waiting for the big planes to arrive before we can start the event. Woman in mock costume watching something live from Meredith Street.

April 24 dream:  I feel really bad that I hurt Aida’s leg which had already been injured. Guys and gals going to work. Guy tries to hug other guy who doesn’t want to be hugged.

April 23, 2022:  Empathy Circle from 10-noon. Very moving. Missed Jeroen. AOL error message again. Send out BB via Gmail. Nice to know I have that option. Spent much of the day trying to communicate with AOL. Finally leave home about 5:15 p.m. Go to Java Hut. Nice, overweight but extremely friendly barista there. They stay open ’til 6:30. Stop at W.F. Check out with Min. Talked about W.F. not requiring masks any more.

April 23 hypnagogic dream:  See my mother walking by our table outside. Couldn’t see her face too well. She was about 50 or 60.

April 23 dream:  Opening magic chest of drawers by command.

April 22, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. 4 of us attended. Ben says you could tell who was in the inner circle of The Prosperos because Thane would yell at them a lot. Then he added that Thane yelled at him a lot. Get “suspicious activity” notice again on AOL. In ’til 3ish. Shirtless Asian friend on Ocean. Go to Peet’s W.P. Douglas there. Finish Lincoln: The Practical Mystic. As I leave, Douglas comes rushing up to me excitedly and tells me that he just found out that he made the waitlist for U.C. Riverside. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. “Sir Allen” there but we don’t speak. Take photo of friendly black guy I checked out with. #48 and K home. Run into #308 and his family getting into their car on ocean. Jerk off in p.m.

April 22 dream:  Was with my family trying to buy a religious icon. Girl clerk apologized that the yellow pad wasn’t attached as usual. Then said something like, “I know you’re religious even if I tried to get you to go out with me.”

April 22 dream:  Several girls interested in me. Try to remember their names.

April 21, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Woman in Balboa Park I internally told to stay away. If I had it to do over, I would have greeted her in some way. Dave at C.B. Go to C.P. Library. Sun there but we don’t speak. Feel shitty on leaving C.B. Walk up to G.C.P. but then down again to G.C.P. restroom. Take shit. Walk thru lower portion of G.C.P. Very green and beautiful. Took photos. Follow young guy to Laguna Honda Boulevard. Realize he’s interested in sex. Realize also he’s probably under age, if not legally, then certainly emotionally. #43 home. Stop at W.F. Buy Chantilly cake in honor of Doug, who I haven’t seen in quite a while and who recommended this cake to me. Check out with Henry and Isaiah. I ask if the new W.F. in Stonestown is ruining their business. They say it is. Walt Whitman documentary in p.m.

April 21 dream:  Trying to arrange my seating. Notice Tom O. is in my same row. He’s in the middle. I’m on the side. So I go over and talk to him. Consider sitting next to him.

April 21 dream:  Window at library had been broken. There was an anonymous note which said, “Power Play.” Someone expected it was my boyfriend. I walked stiffly away, pretending I couldn’t hear them calling after me.

April 20, 2022:  In ’til 12:30 p.m. #29 and #38 to VA for hand clinic appointment. Same brusk female nurse as last time on March 30. Doctor still didn’t talk to me personally. Go to La Promenade on Balboa. Pass unwelcoming woman on way in and beautiful man on way out. Walk thru G.G. Park. Distant hawk. Take “furtive photo” of tattoo on back of guy’s leg. Handsome guy walking towards me smiles. Go to 9th & Irving. Take N to Cole Valley. Go to Peet’s. Impatient woman cashier taps her long, painted fingernails impatiently as I order. I leave a $.50 tip. A few minutes later, she thanks me out loud. I imagine she was being sarcastic. Group of 6 or 7 SFPD outside in Peet’s parklet. I take photo of them. #43 home. Try to catch up on online work. AOL breaks down. Says I’m being hacked. I call AOL support in Manila. After much Translation and self-transcendence, it finally works again.

April 20 dream:  Looking at my calendar. It’s getting busy again.

April 20 dream:  Working at fun place.

April 19, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Douglas and Sergio there. Later Walter L. walks in. He tells me about the 4th step of the 12 Step program which includes a list of the things you fear (which list can be updated periodically) and a thorough sexual history. Douglas looking good in unbuttoned shirt over dark tee. Have brief conversation with Sergio as I leave. It was good to get a smile out of him. Read much of Lincoln: The Practical Mystic. Walk up Ulloa to Roundtable Pizza. Order pizza. It’s much better than Goat Hill Pizza. Eat two slices before #43 arrives. Sit next to cute young guy in short pants and across from homeless black guy talking menacingly to himself or to somebody on the phone. About half way home, he says, “Can I have a slice of your pizza?” I say “No” emphatically and without hesitation. Young man looks up at me as I exit bus. I wanted to look back but was so impacted in my response to black guy that I couldn’t.

April 19 dream:  Some old file boxes about Christ. Wondering if I should get rid of them.

April 19 dream:  My house is on fire around me. I’m not too upset.

April 18, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Beautiful biracial young man from Lick-Wilmerding smiles at me with his eyes while I look for Sebastian who I met on February 10. Go to C.B. Brandon there. Dave too. Also met Jessica, 29-year-old from Taiwan. We talk for almost an hour. I think she wanted me to ask her out. (*See second dream of April 17.) It’s raining so I take #36 to Safeway. Young boy asks me if the umbrella I’m holding is a metal detector. Go to Safeway. Check out with Dominic, looking more self-assured and cuter than ever. #43 home. Look for seaweed chips with nice young man from customer service at W.F.

April 18 dream:  Helping fill pharmacy supplies before heading to Capistrano. (h.o.)

April 18 dream:  Old pitcher goes for the gold but says to me, “You know, you’re queer.”

April 18 dream:  Visit senior facility in North Bay. Seems kind of sterile and expensive, though one of the ladies liked me.

April 18 dream:  Take (final?) exam at work.

April 18 dream: Talk with my father as I wake up. Try to get some information out of him.

April 17, 2022:  Nap. Just as I’m about to leave, I get the inspiration to jerk off, about 3:30 p.m. (*Relates to shits of hier at about the same time?) Walk to W.P. Shirtless Asian friend on Ocean. Sergio is at Peet’s. Also Nedim. Also big loud family. I go to restroom. Young man holds door open for me as he leaves it. Then realize he’s with the big loud family. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Talk briefly with “Sir Allen.” Loud angry pit bull behind rickety gate on way to bus stop. #48 to W.P. Pick up Goat Hill pizza, the one I had misplaced hier. It’s not as good as I thought it would be. K home.

April 17 dream:  Staying overnight at Alex Gambeau’s big apartment overlooking the city. At one point he says, “Michael, would you mind taking a bath?” I say, “Sure” though I don’t think I need one. Before: Go to restroom to take pee. Look left and 3 or 4 people are sitting on couch looking at me. I can’t pee.

April 17 dream:  Marilyn Deurell finds out I go out with men. She doesn’t want to go out with me. (*Relates to meeting Jessica at C.B. on April 18?)

April 16, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Go across street. Pick up package. Run back home to take shits. Leave again. Walk to G.P. Go to Glen Park Market. Talk with Lee about MissionLocal.org article. He told me about his leg injury. Go to C.B. Daniel there. Go to G.P. library. See “Expect the Unexpected” on DVD. Check it out. Walk thru G.C.P. Catch #48 to W.P. Wait for K. See guy with pizza box. He recommends Goat Hill Pizza. I go there. Cashier kind of rude. Wait a few minutes. Same guy comes back. Was very happy with smiling face and eyes. Got on K in two minutes. Sit across from guy with Matt Haney brochures. I say, “Are you handing out Matt Haney flyers?” He slides the flyers under his leg and ignores me. I don’t know how to respond. So I wait for an answer. As he gets off at the same place where I get off, I let him go ahead of me and I say, “Good Luck!” He gives me dirty look. As I wait beside him for light to change, realize I left my pizza box on the train. He walked into W.F. I go home.

April 16 dream:  Fishing out in middle of lake with bigger, stronger person, waiting to catch big, huge fish.

April 16 dream:  I’m at rehearsal for Sondheim-type musical which had been done before. I joked, “I’m ready to co-operate with Judy.”

April 15, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to Glen Park Market. Share MissionLocal.org website which had an article about a law firm in San Diego scamming immigrant small business owners for alleged ADA non-compliance, which just happened to them. I don’t know whether lady owner understood me or not. Go to C.B. Brandon and Dave there. Take shit there. Walk thru G.C.P. Trip on exiting. Beautiful young man at Laguna Honda. No buses there so walk down to W.P. See same beautiful man at he bottom of the hill. I follow him into Eezy-Freezy. He kind of poses for me. Take K home. Same beautiful man gets on. I go to sit across from him. Go to McD. They no longer have McPlants. Go to Beep’s. Young waitress is excited to see me. Knocks me off balance. “Change is going to come” in p.m.

April 15 dream:  I am at some big gathering. I am No. 92. Somebody asks is we want to give the money we win to the federal government. I say, “Why would we want to do that? So they can waste it?”

April 15 dream:  Good debate between two women. I am about to make a comment and start to get up out of my chair. It is difficult. I wake up.

April 14, 2022:  Anonymous caller calls me a liar. I hang up on him. Sarah calls. Nap. In ’til 3ish. See my shirtless Asian friend with muscle T-shirt and umbrella. Ashton Kutcher lookalike and his friend at table outside of Peet’s. I talk briefly with “Ashton.” They are with group called Hip Hop for Change, trying to bring the fun and creativity of of hip hop to schools, etc. Sergio at Peet’s got haircut. I say, “You go a haircut.” He says, “Yeah.” I say, “It looks good.” Read “Leap Into Sanity” lesson #12, about mystical experiences. Really great. Made me happy. It’s kind of rainy so take K home. Cute young Asian youth smiles and bows as he invites me to board first. Then sits across from me.

April 13, 2022:  Anonymous call in a.m. I tell him, “I love you. I love you. I love you. I really do.” In ’til 3ish. Two cats run towards me on San Benito Way. On W.P. Avenue, see man and his dog. Dog had on sun glasses. As soon as I got out my camera, man took the sun glasses off. Go to Peet’s. Kia excited to see me, which surprised me. Read “Leap Into Sanity” lesson #11. Walk up Ulloa. Run into Jasper Craig (from March 10) and his mom. She spirits him away from me (just like dog owner spirited his dog away from my camera). Walk up Ulloa. #48 to #43 home.

April 13 nap dream:  Visit L.A. for Prosperos conference. I’m only here for a week. Try to find out the schedule for today. Walk outside. There’s a huge construction project in progress with bulldozers moving dirt out of several downtown blocks. I wondered what it was. Knew that they would know what they are doing.

April 13 dream:  I’m talking to John at his desk at work. I say, “So what are you doing this weekend?” He says, “I’ll probably go to Santa Cruz like I usually do.” And some other things. Then he says, “You can come along if you like.”

April 12, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Dave at C.B. Go to G.P. library. I check out with Sun. I ask him if he has any more suggestions for DVDs. He recommends one and motions me to form I could fill out. I say, “Well, I can do that online.” So I leave. Then thought maybe I was rushing away too soon. He was being really sweet. So I went back and filled out the form. He recommended a second DVD. I filled out a second form and put my name on it. I thought of putting my phone # as well, but didn’t want to be too forward. Walk half way to G.C.P and came back a second time. This time somebody else was at the checkout desk. I gave her my new phone #. Run into Sun on the way out. I said, “I gave her my phone # in case you or the library want to get in touch with me.” He said, “ I don’t know what you are looking for.” I said, “Something good. Something long-lasting.” He said, “Since you’re older…” I thought: Older?!?!?! Then he said, “Do you have any grandkids?” He gave me a few DVDs and I picked out a gay German DVD. Walked through G.C.P. Then M.S. Said hello to “Sir Allen” and he said hello back. #43 home.

April 11, 2002:  Woke up early (for me) about 8:30 with idea that I should apply for the Deanship of The Prosperos. Spend a lot of time wording my proposal email. Go to Safeway. #43 home. Take nap. Meet HughJohn and his daughter Emmy at 6ish. We drive to W.P. Eat at Italian resto. Had good connection with Emmy who I hadn’t seen since she was a very young child.

April 11 dream:  Fall in dream.

April 11 dream:  Am in Paris. It’s raining really hard. We are driving big, long, beautiful car. Drive into dead-end alley for an errand. I walk by gas tank cover in front of car and accidentally knock it off, gas spilling everywhere. My partner comes back to fix it.

April 11 dream:  Two girls. Two guys. One girl passes woman’s swimsuit in store window. She says, “Look, swim suit bottoms. We are going swimming.”

April 11 dream:  Super says I have to choose between two bosses who are both in front of me. I choose the one I prefer.

April 10, 2022:  in ’til 3ish. As I leave apartment, run into #308 with his wife and little daughter. Take elevator down with them. He pretends he doesn’t know me. Walk to W.P. Have nice conversation about photography with Nemid at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa. Then catch #48 back to W.P. K home. Isaiah at W.F. I don’t try to talk with him which, I think, he liked. He was very nice to me.

April 10 nap dream:  I run into Jamie, my black lover from 50 years ago. He looked great and was glad to see me and vice versa. The friend I was with seemed to know him. I asked my friend, “How do you know Jamie?” He said they were both involved with New Orleans music back in the day.

April 10 dream:  Move to Chicago. Meet two gay men at resto in very old building surrounded by a freeway.

April 9, 2022:  Prosperos trustee’s meeting at 9am. Six attended. Met for about 1-1/2 hours. Pretty good meeting. William Fennie, addressing the need for volunteers to distribute “Leap Into Sanity” lessons started talking most sincerely about system and how the school (unlike the rest of the world, I guess) is based on system. This is something Thane used to say a lot, so I think William was trying to channel Thane, and thereby, ever so subtly, bully the rest of us. Of course, I didn’t digest all this ’til later in the p.m. The next day I posted “William Fennie, Dean in Waiting” on the BB. Then from 1-3 p.m. attended online “Interfaith Empathy Cafe” with people from U.S. Australia and the Netherlands. It was very exciting. Especially meeting Jeroen Lichtenauer from the Netherlands. He was the only one who mentioned sexuality. Of course, I fell in love with him. Afterwards, I get excited. Go on eating binge. I’m in ’til 6ish ’cause I still have so much online work to do. Walk to Java Hut. They close at 6:30. Walk home. Don’t eat for the rest of the day.

April 9 dream:  Sweeping up. Getting ready for some big event.

April 8, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Three of us attended: Heather, Sarah and myself. It was a good group. Conclusion: “There is no war in Truth.” Walk to G.P. Skateboarders at Balboa Park Skatepark. One one young man, the apparent leader of the pack, stares at me menacingly. It later occurred to me that he wasn’t threatening me. He was cruising me. Brandon and Dave at C.B. Brandon wanted to see some of my photos so I gave him my website. Walk thru G.C.P. Lizard (or snake) rushes into the grass. #48 to W.P. Nice, slightly ”slow” guy on K.

April 8 dream:  Two athletic brothers sign up for ballet. They say it’s a requirement. (h.o.)

April 8 dream:  Fall in love with two different girls. Take pee with one of them. I’m peeing and talking to one of them.

April 7, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Run into Shrey on Ocean. He moved into Apt. 213, not 313, which is right next to me. Go to G.P. library. Go to C.B. Women there gives me flirtatious look. Walk thru G.C.P. Go to M.S. “Soy Dream” is in stock!!! Pick up 8 cartons. Clean them out. Check out with “Sir Allen.” I share my excitement with him. Take #48 to W.P. Take M. Then take K. As soon as I get on, lock eyes with young Asian man. Turns out his family owns Jo Jo’s resto on Ocean.

April 7 dream:  Guy farted. He won’t admit it. They can’t bring charges against him.

April 7 dream:  Trouble in the royal household. They’re running out of money.

April 6, 2022:  Gwyllm Llwydd is the only commentor on my “The Prosperos Dean Search” blog on the BB. He supported my idea. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Nobody at Peet’s who I knew. I sit next to young woman. She moves to another table. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. No “Soy Dream.” #48 to W.P. Waiting for K. Young Asian man with mischievous smile asks me how to get on the M eastbound. I tell him. K home. W.F. Nobody there I know either. Translate in p.m. Sense testimony: “In war, some people think that it’s more important to save face than to save lives.” Conclusion: “The ‘face of Truth’ is infinite knowing, immeasurable fulfillment, unending and unlosable.” See CSU online in p.m.

April 6 dream:  Try to in and out all the variables from program taped before returning it.

April 6 dream:  Mark Anthony, a young womanish man is being sued. I’m helping out on the defense team with two others. They’re afraid they’re going to have to stay all night. We go down freight elevator without stopping.

April 5, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Sun at G.P. library. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Cute, well-built guy in shorts at Safeway. We talk briefly. (*Relates to “Perfection” from hier?) Check out with Gabe. Cute girl in jujitsu outfit at bus stop. I say, “I like your outfit.” She runs for the hills. After I’m home for a while realize I’ve misplaced or lost my camera. Or it was taken. I thought I had it in my right front jacket pocket. This really upset me all evening. Tried to Translate, etc. I check with lost & found at Safeway, Cafe Bello and Muni. No luck yet. But decided to use my full-size camera which I had been avoiding.

April 4, 2022:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Little bird on fence on Ocean Avenue. Dave at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. Ask “Sir Allen” if “Soy Dream” has come in. it hasn’t. Remember I was supposed to go to Safeway today. Go to burrito place. #48 to W.P. K home. See “Perfection” on Ocean Avenue. Post “The Prosperos Dean Search” on BB. (*Relates to dream of April 2?) “Mr. Harrison” on the Jack Benny show. Guy in building screaming “Yes!” at about 5 a.m.

April 4 dream:  Hard-on dream.

April 4 dream:  Am on a high of some sort. I was sitting on a felled tree in the water. Suddenly if breaks in two. I feel very calm, happy, but think I should go home soon.

April 4 dream:  March I parade above and under ground in Chicago. Reunite with people I’ve worked with.

April 4 dream:  They move us to a large room quite a walk away. John F. gets all sweaty. I tell him, “Stop sweating!” I’m supposed to meet my father there. Swimming later?

April 3, 2022:  Watch lots of Bohm videos in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Talk with Nelson at W.G. on Ocean. Nedim at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. See “Sir Allen.” Check out with “haircut” Ed. #48 to W.P. K home.

April 3 dream:  Some other people give me cover for what I’m doing.

April 3 dream:  Daniel Bank appears in my house. He has a chocolate helmet on his head. I take a bite.

April 2, 2022:  Get email that Ben had been taken to the hospital. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. Decide to take Muni to see the new Van Ness BRT. Then decide to go to Castro instead. I was in eastbound Muni car next to westbound Muni car, both at a standstill. Three young Asian guys in next train waved to me. I waved back. One gave me the “V” for victory sign. I think that related to my decision to go to the Castro. Get off at Castro. Walk by 440 Club. Continue up Castro to GlenPark. Guy coming down Castro smiles at me. Walk to Glen Park. #36 to Foerster. Guy at Gennessee and Monterey smiles at me. (*Relates to dive-bombing hawk from Victoria Street hier?) Walk home. Insight: I don’t really care if Ben dies, just like I didn’t really care when my mother was killed. Does that make me a psychopath, too?

April 2 dream:  Shutting things down. I have a big pipe I am going to throw.

April 1, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Three attended. Ben kind of insistent that I Translate the way he thought I should Translate. Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 2:30. Walk fast to Jun’s salon for haircut. He made me wait for 10 minutes. But I still love him. Find out he’s 26. Walk to G.P. Brandon and Dave at C.B. Brandon told me that the homeless guy with a knife and the 40 police cars that made the news on March 24 began at C.B. when the homeless guy asked to use the C.B. restroom and then stood in the room next door with his knife and was apparently convinced to leave. (*Relates to hawk on exiting G.C.P. and shits from hier?) Walk thru G.C.P. Go to M.S. No “Soy Dream” as promised. #48 to W.P. K home. Hawk dive-bombing at Victoria Street. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Shits in p.m.

April 1 dream:  Visit home. Laurie leave at 5:30 to strike out on her own. (h.o.)

April 1 dream:  Trying to register in room with transparent windows.

April 1 dream:  50 new members on the first day of the art gallery. Mrs. Burris was registering all of our members.

March 31, 2022:  Anonymous call in a.m.. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. C.B. full. Sudoku comes in. Then leaves. Leave C.B. Feel “shitty.” Go to G.P. library to take shit. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk on exiting park. See Christian, my handsome homeless friend near M.S.. Go to M.S. “Soy Dream” comes in tomorrow, they say. Check out with “Sir Allen.” #43 home. Young woman grabs back seat I was heading for. Neighbor across from me at home bleeding from her nose, sitting on floor, yelling at 911 people. Me, her daughter and other neighbor help her out til EMT arrives. Two women pass. The pretty one smiles at me.

March 31 dream:  Trying to get everything painted on one page. (h.o.)

March 31 dream:  On ship with guy I really like. Want to change seats. Went to get my billing contract. Walk to front of ship. Accidentally open door to being on land. Earlier truck driving on surface of ocean and driving onto land via a ramp.

March 30, 2022:  Go to VA for 10 a.m. appointment at the “hand clinic.” Got there early. Got in about 10:20. Much waiting. Very rude, pushy female nurse. I never did get to see a doctor. Got x-rays again. Nice radiologist who joked about protecting “the merchandise.” Nurse said the doctor would call me if he detected any problems on the x-rays. Go to La Promenade on Balboa. Walk to Inner Sunset via G.G. Park. N to Cole Valley. #43 home. Three loud, spoiled high school girls on bus.

March 30 hypnagogia:  I purchased bunch of white roses today.

March 30 dream:  Tell General I’m glad he signed on but I disagree with his mission. (h.o.)

March 30 dream:  Woman coming on to Joe Biden at small party.

March 29, 2022:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio, Douglas and James at Peet’s. See “The Princess Bride” in neighborhood book stand. Then see it again in Sunday paper, so decide it must mean something, so I order it from library. Go to W.P. Walk home via Y.B.A. Go to W.F. Get anonymous call from 510 area code. Makes me feel good. (*Relates to shits from hier at about the same time?)

March 29 dream:  Spend time with Michael Conner. At end guy runs out and says there’s an emergency.

March 29 dream:  I am at legal secretary’s office with her supervisor. I say, “I’m a retired legal secretary.”

March 28, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Dave at C.B. Walk to Safeway. Feel “shittier” and “shittier.” Take shit at Safeway. Check out with Dominic. #43 home. Run into Peter. He’s wearing mustache and beard. He looks good. I tell him so. Finish Six Feet Under. Reminded me of Tom’s death (and his life). At the end, they show how and when all the characters die. I was most affected by David Fisher’s (Michael C. Hall) death, who died after seeing a vision of his late lover Keith as a younger man. In an earlier scene, pregnant character mentioned that her fetus was playing a drum set. (*Relates to first dream of March 24?)

March 28 dream:  Three signs ripping thru my astrological chart. (h.o.)

March 28 dream:  Being let out of school. I climbed up hill with other students but then decided not to. Realized every time I thought I was in a place I couldn’t climb down from that something would open up.

March 27, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Shirtless Asian friend on Ocean. Nedim and Dominic (with black fingernail polish) at Peet’s. Read more On Dialogue by Bohm. Walk hime via Y.B.A.

March 27 dream:  Dad, Mom, Nannie get home a day early. I’m doing the dishes.

March 27 dream:  I help cult-type group clean up at its new place.

March 27 dream:  Interview for job helping people. No set hours.

March 26, 2022:  Single Payer Now online meeting from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. Read more from Bohm’s On Dialogue. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. #43 home. Read emails and attachments from John Atwater (on peak experiences) and Suzanne D. (on democracy and ontology). Insight: Is John gaslighting me?

March 26 dream:  Trying to share with somebody the feeling of my mother’s death. (h.o.)

March 26 dream:  Again with my mother’s death.

March 26 dream:  Top sales people going on a field trip to Jewel (pronounced “you-all”). I had just been promoted.

March 25, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. 4 of us attend. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. My shirtless Asian friend passes me on Ocean. I’m feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Go to C.B. Daniel there. Rush to bathroom. Take shit. Sun at G.P. library. Take #35 to Castro to buy sauce pan at Cliff’s. No luck. Stop in 440 bar to take pee. Decide to go to W.P. No sauce pan there either. Take M to Target. Buy underwear, socks, sauce pan and notebook for $67 or so. Walk home.

March 25 dream:  See document saying “Tell America that you are taking over.”

March 25 dream:  A few boils on my legs. I try to pop them.

March 25 dream:  Woman having trouble providing for her family. Think her husband drives her. I notice the word “Provide” on the license plate frame. I point this out. She laughs.

March 24, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Big day at Peet’s. Bruce there. Eric there. And big surprise! Sudoku (Dave) from C.B. in G.P. was there. Met Sean, a friendly, well-built construction worker wearing a “Pullman” T-shirt. We got on very well. When I sat back down, I felt a lot of sexual tension. Like I couldn’t relax ’til he left. Which he did. (*Relates to 2nd dream from March 23?) Was talking with Dave when Sean left. He seemed upset. I also talked to Eric who recently visited NYC for the first time. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Isaiah at W.F. Still ignoring me. Doug not there. Jerk off at home.

March 24 dream:  My … for drum set ready to go on stage. Gay guy wants to get together with me after practice.

March 24 dream:  Guy talking to beautiful woman now tells her (twice) she has to move since I have on pin-striped pants. I tell her she should have a seat. She says, “I don’t know. I’ve been de-seated twice.”

March 24 dream:  New show called “Medical Records.”

March 23, 2022:  Jerk off in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Hear hawk on Ocean. Finish L.I.S. at Peet’s. Mimi there. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Buy new pot and spatula.

March 23 dream:  Tell my teacher how John likes to hide by pretending he’s other people. My teacher  tries to help me spot him.

March 23 dream:  Naked guy and I getting dressed. He and I both piss into same bowl. He’s totally naked with beautiful body, but he’s kind of heavy. (*Relates to meeting Sean at Peet’s on March 24?)

March 22, 2022:  Sarah calls I na.m. In ’til 1ish. Take K to dental appointment. Guy gets on at Castro Station. He is wearing “Alex Fitness” T-shirt. We talk briefly. He makes me smile (under my mask). Go to Dr. Adame. Talk with him briefly. Walk to Castro. Pass 440 Club. Cruise beautiful, hot, black-haired, stubble-faced guy while crossing Castro at 18th Street. Look back. Realize he may be reason for my butterfly stomach on walk to Castro. Walk up Castro all the way to G.P. Go to C.B. Sudoku (Dave) there. Brandon not. #23 to Foerster. Walk home from there. Anonymous call around 5:30 p.m. (Relates to shits from hier at about the same time?) Jerk off in p.m.

March 21, 2022:  Listen to YT about afterlife saying everybody would be absolved of their sins. Made me feel very unforgiving. Later got email from Joe Gilberti admiring my “leadership” in bringing the Sunday Meeting to a halt hier after it seemed to be veering off into silliness. I’ve always thought Joe was so cool (I met him in the ’70s) so this just floored me for a while. In til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See “Will Call” on Ocean Avenue. I think: “The psychological reason we have sex in our lives is so it can propel us into psychological independence from our parents. And we can’t be interdependent until we are independent.” As I think this, sweet young man on Ocean smiles at me. Lee at G.P. Market. Go to C.B Brandon not there again. I ask barista. She says his shifts have been changed. Walk to Safeway. Take shits at their newly remodeled restroom. Check out with Dominic, a new employee. See “Make a Change.” Start reading Thane’s “Leap Into Sanity” in p.m.

March 21 dream:  Being part of Democratic Party while watching long, heavy industrial train go up narrow tracks on cliff.

March 21 dream:  Being told about Nazis by a sympathetic narrator.

March 21 dream:  See Ukrainian-style … with not much rent. A lot of us watching a video of gay sex.

March 20, 2022:  Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. 22 or more attended Ben’s talk on the “Bohm Dialogue.” In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio smiles at me as he gives me my drink. He ignores me as I leave. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. “Sir Allen” sees me and ignores me. Give $2 to Danny after following cute young guy across Portola Drive to CVS. #48 to W.P. K home. Tall, long-haired black guy asks me if I want to stand where he’s standing. I am bowled over by him. Insight: My body pains relate to me getting down on myself.

March 20 dream:  Finished crossword puzzle due to clue in another paper. Was half way across top of building when I realized I had to solve puzzle to get reward.

March 20 dream:  About to board train. Kids have already boarded.

March 20 dream:  My leg hurts a bit. I take needle out of spot that is not sore. Will see doctor in a few days.

March 20 dream:  Starting work with clean pants and shoes. Have to return something. Then have to walk thru lots of clear, rushing water.

March 20 dream:  Fooling around with half-naked guys.

March 19, 2022:  Ned calls in a.m. He wants info about Alice Peterson, who I didn’t know that well. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Stonestown. See new Whole Foods. I thought they would have a café. They didn’t. Just a sitting area. See cute Asian guy with floppy black hair and girlfriend at Target. (*Relates to hawk from hier at G.C.P.?) Walk to Java Hut on Ocean. Walk to W.F. No Doug. Isabella ignores me again. Insight: “Life is the only urge.”

March 19 dream:  Share the last bit of Mexican food with my brother.

March 19 dream:  About to share something in group meeting. (*Relates to Sunday Meeting on March, I think.)

March 18, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Six of us there. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Brandon not at C.B. as I expected. I sit next to Dave. Walk thru G.C.P. See hawk as I enter park. Think back to hugging John at Café Floré in 1987 or so. Guy passing by smiles at me. RHS my father. Get in touch with my childhood self who wanted to either get revenge on my father or find someone who would do that for me. Take #48 to W.P. Ladi at C.S. Reading Room. I don’t go in. Take K home. It gets stuck at St. Francis Circle. Take M. It turns into K. Stop at Ingleside Gallery. Big show going on. I walk in and out pretty quickly. See Shrey. Go to W.P. Doug not there. Isaiah is, but he ignores me. See friendly Asian guy on 3rd floor, who I’ve talked to before a few times. Get email from Ned asking it he can call me sometime. It discombobulates me. (*See first dream of March 17.) I thought he was looking to me as a counselor. Turns out he wasn’t.

March 18 dream:  Noisy small mice and big black spider comes out of my floor board at night.

March 18 dream:  Everybody sleeping over in only a few rooms. Not much room.

March 18 dream:  Young girl disappointed with adults.

March 17, 2022:  Anonymous call about 3:30ish. (*Relates to shits from hier at the same time?) Walk to W.P. Sergio, Eduardo, Bruce at Peet’s. Bruce shares some of his history with women. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. See “Sir Allen” briefly. #43 home. Get emotionally attracted to young skateboarder who gets off at Plymouth. At W.F. help old woman with walker into the women’s room. Doug not there. Check out with nice young lady I like. Random guy smiles at me.

March 17 dream:  Bill Fennie and I posing as teachers, educators. Angry guy comes in. I try hiding but it feels like the jig is up. [I wake up with my body tingling.]

March 17 dream:  Doing stories on two dance groups in North Bay paper.

March 17 dream:  Almost fall into big hole at Mission and Third Streets in S.F.m(*Relates to me bringing up Isabel Allende’s comment that “War is a male construct” at Translation Group on March 18?)

March 16, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk halfway thru CCSF campus. Suddenly have to shit. Rush back home. Take shit. Walk to G.P. Daniel and Dave at C.B. Dave said, something like, “Everything would be great if only we could get rid of Putin. Doesn’t he know about the law of karma? It doesn’t really matter whether he believes in it or not.” See Sun at G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. #48 to W.P. Talk with Ladi. He didn’t take Rick’s Translation class. I don’t think he was really interested. Take K home. Cruise guy. Then 2nd guy. First guy gets off. 2nd guy and I get off at Lee Avenue. Just before he gets off, he does a little happy dance.

March 15, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio, Douglas at Peet’s. Sergio still calling me “Sir.” Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Kind of looking for Doug from Bakery dept. He’s not there. I ask bakery people fi they have any Chantilly cake. They don’t. Hear “John Harrison” on YT in p.m.

March 15 dream:  We have a new insurance vendor for our afternoon break at work. Female boss is very worried about it. I try to talk to her. She says we’ll probably have a choice of insurers.

March 15 dream:  Trying to come up with tow or three minutes of comedy for guy’s funeral.

March 15 dream:  Walking down my familiar hallway. Everything had changed. Finally ordered man and woman at the end.

March 14, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Lee at liquor store. Brandon at C.B. I did his chart online. He is 19. He also happened to mention that his girlfriend had a friend who was interested in astrology. I suggested he could do a comparison chart with his girlfriend. But he seemed more interested in dong a comparison chart with me. Also talked with Dave (Sudoku) who said his memory is slipping. Walked to Safeway on Monterey. Looked like somebody other than Jun was cutting hair at jun’s salon. Shop at Safeway. Check out with Gabe. He’s new employee. Very nice. Man at next checkout station also seemed interested in Gabe. #43 home.

March 14 dream:  Pay my $2 dues enthusiastically. Pool outside. (h.o.)

March 14 dream:  I go from office to office announcing that anyone with a wheelchair must have a full glass of milk onboard. That’s so they can have sex when the opportunity arrives.

March 14 dream:  Creepy guy at party who looked down at me or pretended to.

March 13, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk on Ocean. Ready to go see the new W.F. at Market and 8th Street. Run into beautiful, sexy, modest guy who pretends not to notice me. I think he’s coming from nearby 24 Hour Fitness gym. Take K to Civic Center. Go to new W.F. store. It’s big, but it’s like two floors below street level and there is no cafe. Only a sitting area. Do like the co-ed bathrooms, though. Walk to Castro. Buy Sunday Chron at W.G. Pass 440 coming and going. Take M to W.P. Stop at Peet’s. Sergio looks beautiful. I get very excited seeing him. He doesn’t talk to me or recognize me but it’s still exciting to see him. Walk home. I think, “My father used marriage as a way to hide from his socially unacceptable urges. While John looks at marriage as a trap.” As I think this, passing guy smiles at me broadly and beautifully. Further down Ocean, run into Shrey at Ingleside Gallery. He’s putting on a “Celebrating Women” art show. I recommend my cousin Leigh. He also tells me he may be moving into Apt. 313 which is almost exactly opposite my apt.

March 13 dream:  Rush home from work. Am staying at friend’s. Have to rush back in 15 minutes. I’m worried that all my clothes will be wrinkled as I’m living out of a suitcase. Woman suggests I buy a kimono. I say I used to have one.

March 12, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Peet’s W.P. Douglas and Nedim there. Go to W.P. library. Strange male clerk there. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Down Miramar to hardware store on Ocean to buy key chain. Jerked off in p.m. for the first time since I fell on my wrist. Started out left-handed but switched to right hand as things got hot. See bright light in corner of my living room in p.m.

March 12 dream:  Trying to get Tom O. moved into my apartment.

March 12 dream:  Nobody likes the boss who kept us late. Co-worker asks me, “Do you want to have breakfast with me tomorrow?” I say, “Okay.”

March 12 dream:  Get part in play. Practice(?) was on time. My step-family is also in play.

March 11, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group at 11 a.m. Five of us there. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Brandon and Sudoku (Dave) at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Catch #48 to W.P. Stop by C.S. Reading Room to talk with Ladi. Tell him about online Translation class tomorrow and Sunday. He seemed interested. Take K home. Go to W.F. Run into Doug from Bakery. He recommends to me a Chantilly cake which is currently out of stock. Check out with Henry H. who I thought was Min. On way out, couldn’t find my keys. Panicked. Translated. Called Avalon home office and after many phone messages was able to reach a live person who was able to help me. They sent somebody over to let me in about and hour or two later. Last time I almost lost my keys was on December 19, 2020 when I accidentally dropped them down the garbage chute and was able to recover them with help from janitors. I think this presages some similar psychic event of being locked out of my home/my habitual way of life. Insight: Realize my “broken” wrist is John’s way of trying to keep me all to himself, at least emotionally. Just like my father, though married to my step-mother, wanted to keep me to himself, emotionally.

March 11 dream:  Try to shut door with my foot so cat won’t get in. [Get small leg cramp.]

March 11 dream:  I walk by prospective new mayor of S.F. Tough guy coming through hallway motions for me to gt out of the way. I stay. He shoots the mayor. Then he shoots me, but only in the legs.

March 10, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Decide to walk to Starbucks Portola instead of Peet’s W.P. Rush to see two men walking up San Anselmo Avenue. Looks like young Asian man with his father. Father gives me dirty look. Later, as I’m about to turn the corner, see them both walk up the other side of San Anselmo. My heart goes out to young man. Then, due to father’s look, I hold back. Then ponder the wonder of hier’s hawks which presaged my encounter with this young man, not really ever seeing him face-to-face, but interacting nonetheless. (*Relates to sudden hawk on Portal Path and to second hawk at Maywood Drive from hier, I think.) Go to Starbucks Portola. Not very nice reception there. My “slow” friend Jasper (from January 30) doesn’t look at me or notice me, though he does wave to others. See “Sir Allen” at M.S. He looks away. Run into Peter on #43 home. He cuts off and goes into W.F. and leaves me kind of stranded.

March 10 dream:  Nancy O. and some other guy stops by while I’m alone in the house without pants. I put on my pants and guy shows me thesis he is working on.

March 9, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Talk with Nelson at W.G. I ask him how he likes UC Santa Cruz. He says there’s too many trees. Nobody at Peet’s that I know except Kai, who I barely know. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. See hawk briefly at Portal Path. Then again at Maywood Drive.

March 9 dream:  Trying to finish everything at end of first day of two-day retreat. My supervisor says he’s worried about me. I say, “So am I.” I think he thinks I’m working too hard or too fast.

March 9 dream:  Go out on some job interviews. Got stuck in mud. Then get stuck in sun and heat. Forgot my resume. Try out at primary school/fairground.

March 9 dream:  I tell woman volunteer we shouldn’t have a hole in the lighting at the front of the room. Thane comes by and confirms it.

March 9 dream:  Go to P.O. Leave my stuff on counter. Woman goes thru it. I tell her, “That’s my stuff.”

March 8, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Meet “Bernie Mac” on Santa Ana Avenue. He’s a strange, fast-talking black guy looking for financial support for something. Nedim and Douglas at Peet’s. Douglas gives me dirty look when I leave. I follow cute guy I saw buying coffee there and caught up with him at West Portal and Vicente. He’s a guitar player but not the reason I left early. I continued walking home via West Portal, Junipero Serra and Ocean. Walk bouncy-happy. Stop at newish pizza place where Fog Lifter Cafe used to be. Nice waiter there. I think that’s the reason I was walking bouncy-happy. Walk by Ingleside Gallery. See cute guy working there. Then Shrey comes in the room and I continue on home. Finish “Sonny’s Blues” short story by James Baldwin. I like it a lot more than I did when I began it.

March 8 dream:  Worker eats celery stalk filed high with salt. Guy says, “You should take something for that.” Later Tom C. hugging his little boy in the office. I wonder how he would react if something were to happen to his son.

March 7, 2022:  Called VA in a.m. Finally got hold of a someone who helps me. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Get IRS form copied. Go to C.B. Brandon unexpectedly there. We talk briefly about the James Baldwin story we talked about on March 4. He says he’ll see me on Friday. Sudoku there also. I never got his real name, so I just said, out of the blue, “Hi, David.” He says, “Most people call me Dave.” Walk up Monterey to Safeway. #43 home. As I exit bus, good-looking Asian man gets on. I say, “Nice-looking.” Hope he heard me. Then see “Absolute Astonishment” on side of nearby bus.

March 7 dream:  Party ending. Guy says, “What shall we do next time?” I say, sarcastically, “We could have Thane speak.” Then more seriously, “We could have a speaker, a concert, or a be-in.” Guys says, “Are we going to stay in touch with Alyson?” I say, “You know you’re going to stay in touch with Alyson.” (h.o.)

March 7 dream:  J. comes over to tell me he’s asking his older roommate to the dance. I tell him to get out. He stalls. I say, “Get the hell out.” He leaves. He looks a bit like Dexter from the Dexter series.

March 7 dream:  Lost history of the gay movement which was some sort of liquid memory. I told one of the other organizers, “Hope they have backup.”

March 7 dream:  Try to get to loft-type spa. It’s difficult. Hippie-type place. Lose my notebook. Don’t really trust these people and vice versa.

March 6, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Nedim only person I know at Peet’s. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Interesting guy in Jeep at Plymouth and Ocean. He’s looking at me and I’m looking at him. Finally he waves. I wave back. He drives off. I walk across street. Later see very cute young guy on Plymouth. Could be Sebastian who I met on February 10. McPlant at McD’s.

March 6 nap dream:  John walking down the street, a bit older, with short hair, but looking good, smiling and waving at me.

March 6 dream:  Our father comes in at 1:30 a.m. and says he wants help with his demo(?) We all have to get up and help him.

March 5, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Shirtless Asian friend on Ocean. Sergio, Douglas and Nedim at Peet’s. Sergio gives me my drink and says, “There you go, sir.” Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. See Doug in Bakery out of the corner of my eye and double-back to talk to him and his fellow bakery worker. Find spider under my bed in p.m.

March 5 dream:  “It’s not like judging a comedy show. It’s not a bunch of one-liners.”

March 5 dream:  Someone asks me about the behavior of the ant. I say, “He’s been archived. I’m trying to think of the right word.” Suzanne D. passes us and says, “Acclimate.”

March 4, 2022:  Ukraine Emergency Translation Group via Zoom at 11 a.m. (*Relates to 2nd dream of February 2?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Brandon at C.B. No black tulpa or other sort of interruption. He asks me how my week was. For some reason, I found it difficult emotionally to answer. I asked him about his week. He told me about essay he had to write on a James Baldwin short story. I said I’d try to read it. Went to library next door and got a copy right away. And returned to C.B. to verify I got the right story. Looks like this relationship requires homework. I know he’s only 18, but he acts like he’s my parent. I think this relationship may be coming to a close. Walk thru G.C.P. to Laguna Honda Blvd. #43 home. W.F. Check out with Cole.

March 4 dream:  Being stalled at work.

March 4 dream:  Start going crazy ’cause my nurse baby may have been injured.

March 4 dream:  Getting out of bath in nursing home. I ask her, “How long have you been here?” She says, “Ten years. I’ve told you that before.”

March 4 dream:  Trying to order something good at resto. I see all sorts of good things but I don’t know what they’re called so I order an egg salad sandwich. Ask woman there if she’s ever heard of The Plumed Horse Resto?

March 3, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Two cute repair guys come in to clean my dryer vent. Get one to smile. (*Relates to first hawk from hier?) Walk to W.P. High school guy on Ocean Avenue holds my look a little too long. James, Bruce at Peet’s W.P. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue.

March 3 dream:  Trying to decipher message from female psychic by running tape thru radio. (h.o.)

March 2, 2022:  In ’til 1:30ish. Take K to Church. Two young skateboarders get off at Castro. Hawk at Church and Market. Take #22 to Chestnut Street. Beautiful young black man standing in front of me. Get new phone cord for free. I say, “Bless you” to the salesman at camera store. Go to The Gap. Buy new pants from nice gay salesman. Hawk at Chestnut and Pierce. #30 to Market. A pride of Asian high school students from Galileo High School take over all the seats around me. F to Market. Pass by 440 Club. Wait for #35 which never shows up. Take #24 instead. Connect with handsome young dark-haired man who gets off before I do. Walk to G.P. Go to G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P. Stop at Starbucks Portola. Run into Maciej from February 23. We talk briefly. He asks me what I’m drinking. I say, “It’s not what I ordered.” And neither is he. Take #43 home. Run into Peter.

March 2 dream:  Eating at big, long dining table with lots of people. Lion shows up. I freak.

March 2 dream:  I’m visiting woman with friend. Then I’m leaving. She’s in car driven by big, large woman. And there’s another woman in the backseat with her. I’m in the front yard, drying myself. I have only a towel around me. (h.o.)

March 2 dream:  Talking on phone with somebody. Third caller from International calls in, who I don’t know.

March 1, 2022:  Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. James, Douglas, Eduardo and Bruce at Peet’s. Talk with Bruce and briefly with James and Douglas. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen” who gives me an intimate look.

March 1 dream:  I did something to a woman and Nancy and Laurie (my step-sisters) started treating me badly. I decide to take off. Slip by my father. Walk out to street. Take my mask off. (*Relates to my decision to send out email on March 2 for “Ukraine Emergency Translation Group” instead of waiting for Heather Williams to do it?)

February 28, 2022:  Sarah calls in a.m. When I talk about Zelenskyy with her, I get very emotional, surprising myself. (*See last dream of February 26.) Later in shower, I Translate the word fracture, relating to my wrist. Have a good sense that Truth (which I am, which we all are) cannot at the same time be one and be fractured. Later doctor from VA calls me and says he’ll set up an appointment with Orthopedic for me. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Follow Japanese guy with nice ass. Brandon not at C.B. Carla and Sudoku are. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. #43 home.

February 27, 2022:  In ’til noon or so. Take K and #49 to Chestnut Street camera store. Buy new, slightly bigger, slightly better camera. Beautiful Asian man and his two young sons on Chestnut Street. #30 to Market Street. Try to buy new Adidas pants at Adidas store at Westfield Mall. They don’t have much of a selection. Walk up Market to Van Ness. Take F to Castro. Go to Spike’s. Make it just before they close at 5 p.m. Walk by 440 Club. Take K to West Portal. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Woman at Portal Path park smiles at me. Guy walking his dog greets me. Guy on Plymouth Avenue sees me coming and sort of checks me out saying, “A-l-l-right.” Go to W.F. Home. Insight: Realize dream of breaking up with John of February 26 relates, not to breaking up with John, but to breaking up with my father. About half hour after I go to sleep, hear voice in my room saying, “Liar.”

February 27 dream:  Curb my wants to try some new-fangled ideas.

February 27 dream:  Going on job interview with black woman. She starts saying that I’m like some other workers, like Bob. I say, “You’re making up scenarios about me in your head, Miss … Ma’am.” Black female secretary with no underpants says, “Hire him.”

February 26, 2022:  Hear “Expect the Unexpected” in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Cute young guy in red hoodie as I exit 352 Brighton. Douglas, Eduardo, and other guy whose name I didn’t get at Peet’s. Lose part of an ear plug to my phone. Ask woman sweeping the floor if she’d watch out for it. Later feel bad about asking her. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Camera breaks on Ocean Avenue. I ask young Asian guy who was also taking photos if he can help me. He says he doesn’t speak English. (*Relates to “Expect the Unexpected” from earlier today?) Stop at McD’s. Go home. Try to fix my camera. Think maybe I should start using my bigger, better camera. Later decide to buy another new small camera.

February 26 dream:  School project to raise money by having people invest in things, raising lots of money for church but not for those investing.

February 26 dream:  Friend transitions to new role as finance advisor.

February 26 dream:  Breaking up with John. I got very emotional afterwards. More emotional than I thought I would. Later take True or False test at which I cannot concentrate at all.

February 25, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. My shirtless Asian friend passes me on Ocean. I follow him to Mission. Go to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Brandon at C.B. Get first silly call of the day just as I’m saying good-bye to him. I’ll see him again on Monday. Go to G.P. library. Talk with clerk about Tropic of Capricorn, which he is reading. Think about getting on #35 to the Castro, but passengers getting off get in the way and I didn’t want to force it. Walk thru G.C.P. to #43 stop at Laguna Honda Blvd. See John lookalike on bike. I go up to him to see if it actually is John. He nods to me. I nod back. #43 home. After I got off bus, I stopped suddenly to take photo of “Waterloo” ad on side of other bus. Young man passing by says, “Did you forget something?” I say, “No. I just wanted to take a photo.” Follow him from a distance into W.F. See woman with “Perfect” on her T-shirt. So I go up and talk with him further. He just bought a new camera and is getting ready to start photographing. I had seen him a few days before. He’s young, Asian, beautiful, and what I noticed mostly was that he had two cellphones in his shirt pocket.

February 25 dream:  Getting gassed up at gas station. I have 3 or 4 gas tanks dispersed throughout the length of my car. I don’t want them to notice me.

February 25 dream:  Woman pretending she only had a boa constrictor in her home. She also had a more dangerous but tamed venomous snake which she started feeding small rodents. I held baby who got loose and I protected my toes.

February 24, 2022:  In ’til about 3 p.m. Take sudden shits at 3ish. (*Relates to seeing Brandon at C.B. tomorrow?) Walk to W.P. See my shirtless Asian friend on Ocean, walking the other way. Bruce, Mimi, Sergio, Adam at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with “haircut Ed.” See “Talk With Your Boss” on Portola Drive. #43 home. Funny bus driver telling old Asian woman that she shouldn’t have to lug around her huge grocery cart and that he would kick her son’s ass if the son didn’t help her. I’m sitting next to cute Japanese guys in gray sweat pants and shirt who I keep checking out. He gets off at the same stop as mine. As he leaves he kind of jumps in the air. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Guy bowing on the ground in back of 1100 Ocean Avenue as part of Islamic prayer? I wanted to take his photo, but he got up. Shits at 8:30 p.m. or so.

February 24 dream:  One of the old ladies I’m caring for is pissed at me. The koala has escaped and may be in trouble in a garden full of animals.

February 24 dream:  Call 7th floor to friend who just go up there for info on water and oil experimentation. A group of us on the 5th floor. I don’t think I’m supposed to be there.

February 24 dream:  Leave party. Show up to my usual Monday job. Guy has completely remodeled his place of work. Says he doesn’t need me today.

February 23, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Full house. Share table with Maciej. We talked for about an hour. He’s a Polish occupational therapist. He said the Polish name for Michael is Mijo, which I liked. Eric also there but we more or less ignored each other. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Hawk and crow playing at top of street. (*Relates to Japanese guy on #43 on February 24, I think.) See my right hand starting to swell, so wait for #43 at Plymouth and Monterey. Guy who gave me hard look there a few days ago who I thought was trying to warn me off. Turns out he was just coming on to me. Take #43 home. Get call from W.P. Urgent Care saying the radiologist thought I had a fractured wrist. So I take #29 and #38 to VA Emergency Room. There’s only three of us there. Get help from Dr. Bent who says they don’t see any fracture but they want to have me do an MRI. Also cute radiologist. #38 and #29 home. Get home about midnight.

February 22, 2022: Call VA in a.m. They eventually call back. At their suggestion I go to Urgent Care in W.P. They X-ray me and give me splint. Take K home. Get a McPlant from McD’s and chocolate chip cookie from W.F.

February 21, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Trip over parking block in CCSF parking lot. Tear pants. Hit head. Walk on to G.P. Lee at G.P. Market. Brandon at C.B. I tell him I had a fall. He tells me my head is bleeding. He offers me first aid bandages, etc., and allows me to use the restroom which was closed. Stay there a few minutes. Feel more and more scared. Like a little kid having fallen down. I tell Brandon, “I’m fine.” Sudoku also there but he doesn’t turn around. Take #23 to Safeway. Then walk home. My wrist gets more and more sore. Have tough time sleeping. Am in too much pain.

February 20, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Nobody there that I know. Read obit of Kim Corsaro in Sunday Chron. Reminds me of my year or so at the Bay Times back in 2001 or so. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Try McPlants at McD’s. They’re very good.

February 20 dream:  Jail has been moved. So prisoner has to wait. (h.o.)

February 20 dream:  Waiting in line. Foreigner doesn’t think we should have money.

February 20 dream:  Martin Mull swallowed a fish through his chest and other acts.

February 19, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P., RHSing my father and my 9-year-old self. Hear sound at West Portal and 14th Avenue. Look up. See group of young men. Go over to them in the path of oncoming streetcar. I connect with one of them and have a suprasex moment. Go to Peet’s. Nedim there. Continue RHSing. Finally release my father and my 9-year-old self as the misidentifications that we were. Consciousness, our true identity, does not abuse or make itself vulnerable to abuse. And the identity which did is not my True self or my father’s True self. Old man in front yard of his Plymouth Avenue yard smiles at me. I immediately feel myself make myself sexually available to him. And I immediately catch myself. Go to W.F. Check out with Min. He ignores me completely. I think he was trying to impress his straight, male co-worker. Watch Amazing Grace with Aretha Franklin in p.m. Insight: My father saying to me, “I wish you’d just hit me.” May have been for Harriet, my step-mother’s benefit. She was also there when he said it.

February 19 dream:  I am assigned a toddler to care for. He plays the guitar by putting on a cassette tape and accompanying it. Obama comes in. He’s got four stripes on his Navy uniform sleeve. He acts tough with the toddler. “It’s me now,” he says. Then leaves before I know how to take care of the kid if he has to go to the bathroom.

February 18, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. via San Jose Avenue. Funeral procession on Ocean. Cute skateboarder bites his lip in an effort to hide from my glances at Ocean and San Jose. Brandon at C.B. He got a haircut since the last time I saw him on January 28. He looks so young. He’s probably 18 but he looks 13. Black tulpa from February 12 there, but she was very quiet and just makes a brief appearance. Brandon says he’ll be there again on Monday. I tell him I’ll try to stop by. Sudoku also there. G.P. library. Walk up Diamond. Hot guy in shorts working in the doorway of his house. He looks hot. I pause. Consider going back, but decide to continue on. (*Relates to last dream of February 16 of middle-aged man in convertible driving off the road, I think.) Walk thru G.C.P. See “Sir Allen” at M.S. Buy five cartons of “Soy Dream.” #43 home. See video about kundalini awakening. Is that what happened to me on April 19, 2021? Insight: Observe my OCD self while watching season 2 of Six Feet Under and tell myself to knock it off.

February 18 dream:  Hard-on dream.

February 18 dream:  Catch up with friend and with psychic. I say “I have two questions: Where is ______? And ______.”

February 18 dream:  Train finally arrives home. I’ve lost some of my luggage but otherwise I’m okay. The train had been on a horrifying journey.

February 18 dream:  Visit N.Y. Everything still shut down. Chris H.(?) wants me to take care of some errands for him. Guy with no pants gives me a hat. Before: I photocopied 332 pages, including 325 pages of my book.

February 18 dream:  Recalling a magic day on Mission Street when I bought a suit. And not some crazy one. Never did get that suit. And can’t find the store. Arab woman and dog wrapped entirely in cloth. He escapes and follows me a bit.

February 17, 2022:  Respond to anonymous call in a.m. with this text: “Another Valentine? I know that you love me. And I love you.” In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. James and Eric at W.P. James very happy, beautiful young man. Last saw him on December 23. When I left, I hoped to speak with him more but Eric kind of got in the way. Bruce also there. I will buy his book next Thursday. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Cute young guy in black shorts smiles when I cruise him.

February 17 dream:  Just about to get off work. We’re waiting for the gates to be opened.

February 17 dream:  About to prepare room for last day party. Have to talk to woman co-worker.

February 17 dream:  Something about Carol Carter.

February 16, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Nelson at W.G. on Ocean Avenue. Haven’t seen him since July 9, 2021. Go to Peet’s W.P. Eric, Kai and Eduardo there. Eric pissed me off a bit. He’s so gregarious, so easy to talk to that it feels like he’s hiding himself. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Stop at W.F. Check out with transexual Jesse.

February 16 dream:  They sneak in four negative orders at the last minute. And we can’t find them. (h.o.)

February 16 dream:  Looking for four odd pair out shoes. (h.o.)

February 16 dream:  Trying to get last things in order.

February 16 dream:  As I’m turning on TV monitor in backyard, get two old videos of people greeting Jeannie Maher. One was Bob Meslinsky. Another Phil Diers. She avoided kissing all the gay men on the mouth. Then she appeared in person. Told me I was screwed by Janet at work ’cause I didn’t have any management experience or at least that’s what I told her (Janet). A black male minister joined us as we walked to the street. I didn’t know whether to continue with them or not. Woke up.

February 16 dream:  Driver runs off the road. Appears stunned and maybe injured. The car is smoking. I get out my phone to call for help. My phone is circular rather than rectangular. He’s an older man driving a convertible.

February 15, 2022:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio and Douglas at Peet’s. Later Eduardo. Sergio polite. Douglas sweet. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Then W.F. Avoid August and Min to get in line of friendly, peppy young woman. She is later joined by Isabella. In p.m. DVD sticks in DVD player. I blame myself.

February 15 dream:  Toying with the idea of going to Washington State to pick up guy and bring him to L.A. for interview. I was suggesting someone else do it, but guy said why not me? (h.o.)

February 15 dream:  Someone tried to kidnap the president of the U.S.  Other guy defended him, calling him the “soul of this country.”

February 15 dream:  Trying to get in touch with high-up guy who knows the president. (*Relates to phone call I hear simultaneous to this dream, even though my phone is turned off. Next morning, I text: “Thanks for the Valentine. Better late than never.”)

February 14, 2022:  Jerk off in a.m. Really enjoy myself. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Sudoku at C.B. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. I check out with guy I don’t know. I ask him, “Are you the store manager?” He says, “No, I’m the store bitch.” Walk home. Figure out way to find Dianne Wiest on tribalism online as suggested by Sarah. In p.m. choke in fear about something. (*Relates to last dream of February 13.)

February 14 dream:  Father of the house fires me. I can’t leave fast enough. In fact, it’s really hard to move. Pass Nancy and Laurie on way out. (*Relates to choking last night and last dream of February 13?)

February 14 dream:  Living in Bernie’s house. Women don’t like it.

February 14 dream:  Heading to my bride and my wedding in Texas.

February 13, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Listen to video about Israel. (*See last dream of February 8.) Israel is the name given to Jacob after spending a night wrestling the dark angel. Does this mean I have overcome my dark angel? Walk to W.P. Nedim and Sergio at Peet’s. Sergio ignores me completely or is very formal. I am jealous when woman barista talks to him or male customer. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Talk with cute guy in vegetable dept. I ask him if the game is still going on. He says he doesn’t know. I say, “Do you know who’s ahead?’ He says he doesn’t know. He turns out to be cuter and nicer than I thought before I approached him. Check out with Isabella. Speak briefly with transexual Jesse. Insight: Hear somebody call somebody a “son of a bitch” in movie and get defensive about my own mother. That was new for me.

February 13 dream:  Take shit. Half falls on floor. I pick it up with my bare hands. (h.o.)

February 13 dream:  Need space for my photo exhibit to be projected on wall. Director takes me to new place. With box in my hands, other guy tells me what I need to so. I say, “I can’t keep that all in my head.”

February 13 dream:  Trying to walk thru park. There’s a fenced-in baseball diamond in the way. Lots of bigger, tougher guys playing baseball.

February 13 dream:  Being in supplicant position with male authority figure.

February 12, 2022:  Get up early. Work online. Take nap. Miss Sarah’s call. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See “Sebastian” in G.P. store window. Daniel at C.B. As I leave black woman/city worker from January 21 comes in. As I pause on Diamond Street, considering whether to take #35 into the Castro, she passes me and calls me an asshole, I think. Last time I saw her she was trying to interrupt my conversation with Brandon at C.B. I think she might be a tulpa of John’s shadow. Take #35 to 19th Street. Walk thru Castro. It looks busier and healthier than I’ve seen it look for quite some time. It was a warm night and there were lots of people out and about. Passed by 440 Club. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Walk up Market. Old woman in black outfit with short sleeves smiles at me as I conclude that black woman city worker in G.P. is a projection of J’s negative energy. First wanting to interrupt my getting to know Brandon. Then calling me an asshole as I decide to go to the Castro and interrupt John as he hides out at the 440 Club. So I can’t be with John, but I can’t be with anyone else either, according to this tulpa. Go to M.S. Then #43 home.

February 12 dream:  Explore rambling old mansion. Some rooms in disrepair which used to be functioning well. And vice versa.

February 12 dream:  List of all the projects we’re working on with update info. (h.o.)

February 12 dream:  At party, someone says Calvin has got to go. It’s my party at my home and I say he can stay.

February 12 dream:  In Chicago, it begins to snow. I feel good like the wait was worth it and I’m in the right place. Man says to his wife, “Well, looks like we’ve finally arrived, Grandma.”

February 11, 2022:  Hot night last nite. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Asian-ish guy on Ocean, running to catch up with car. As he gets in, he turns around and smiles at me. Continue to W.P. Stop by C.S. Reading Room. Talk with Ladi. Go to Peet’s. Douglas very sweet to me. Walk up Ulloa. Admire guy in shorts walking with woman. He smiles back. Feel “shitty” on walk up. Go to M.S. Then #43 home. Talk with Peter on walk home. Take shit when I get home. Insight: God (Truth) is the only fame.

February 11 dream:  Friends, male and female, are all together on pier. Then woman says she want to show me something before I leave. It’s a bell to chime for something. (h.o.)

February 11 dream:  Go to Castro Theater. Lots of people I know there: Chris Daly, Bob Meslinsky, etc. It’s so crowded that people have to watch the stage on TV sets where I go to find a seat.

February 10, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to W.G. Hear someone call my name, “Mike.” I walk over. It’s Jesse from Railroad Expresso. Haven’t seen him since February 19, 2020 or March 8, 2021. We talk briefly. He’s sitting in car drinking a beer with loud dog in back seat. Go to W.P. Bruce and Sergio at Peet’s. Sergio completely ignores me. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Pass young guy on Plymouth Avenue. Double-back and talk to him. He’s a sophomore at Lick-Wilmerding. He says he’s enjoying learning Spanish even though he’s more of a science and technology guy. His name is Sebastian. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) He says, “See you around.” I guess he must have been around 16 though he looked and acted maybe 20. I fell in love, of course.

February 10 dream:  Running off essay about Dom Dominic. He’s the subject of a long title of a brochure we are printing out. We printed out 20. The pages were wet. 20 people registered for the class. Guy said he’d print out 20 more copies.

February 10 dream:  Someone wanted me to role-play being a child molester to a little girl, so I approached her very kindly.

February 9, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Eric and Eduardo at Peet’s. I tell Eric I sent him a couple of emails about The House That Jack Built. He said he’d read them. Feel “shitty” so take K home. Sit near beautiful, dark-haired young man. Stop by W.F. Talk with Doug in the Bakery Dept. Check out with Min. Talk with Korean Avalon guy I run into on elevator, trying to understand him. Take shit when I get home. Get excited about Gabor Maté/Stephen Porges video. Enroll in online course.

February 9 dream:  Our partner makes three hamburgers in the microwave. We only make two, though should probably have also made three.

February 9 dream:  Taking drug gives them fantastic sex. I say, “Can I have some of that?”

February 9 dream:  In class with “hip” teacher. At the end we started talking about why the Japanese wear wooden shoes:  to keep themselves awake.

February 9 dream:  Register for one week course. Woman gives me my money back ’cause she thinks I’m only interested in courses on the military.

February 8, 2022:  Apply for Berkeley BMR apartment. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See guy with “Berkeley” T-shirt on San Benito Way. Nedim, Douglas and Sergio at Peet’s. Sergio is very cool towards me. Douglas sweet to me. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with August, who is also very cool towards me. And also, like Sergio, his fingernails are painted black.

February 8 dream:  Trying to find all the things that belong to the U.S. Navy so we can move them out of the building. (h.o.)

February 8 dream:  Transfer list of names to list of names with quotes around them. At party, wear face mask along with others.

February 8 dream:  Walking dog. Find trail. Follow it into pool. He doesn’t get all wet like I did. He turns into handsome naked man.

February 8 dream:   The word “Israel.”

February 7, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Brandon not at C.B as I had expected. Sudoku there. Also guy from January 25. (*Relates to hawk and crows and shits from hier, I think.) Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Think I should call W.G. to make sure I put patch on my foot callus correctly. Sweet black guy smiles at me as I’m thinking this. #43 home. In p.m. Call W.G. and they correct me. Watch The House That Jack Built for 2nd time so I can speak with Eric about it.

February 7 nap dream:  Woman preparing large bottle of clear water.

February 7 dream:  Attend Kennedy brother funeral. A relative in white passes me. I say, “I’ll be visiting dead guy next door.” It doesn’t work.

February 7 dream:  Helping rabbi dismantle his synagogue. But he’s taken away the front steps so there’s no way to get in. Think maybe I’ll become a rabbi.

February 6, 2022:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See hawk and two crows from a distance. Nemid at Peet’s. People standing next to me as I sit at table. Glad they leave. Then one of the women says, “Good luck with that” about my crossword puzzle. I ignore her, but later apologize to her internally at least. Feel kind of “shitty.” Take K home. Toilet still clogged from this a.m. but I have to take a shit anyhow. Finally get toilet unclogged. Interpret last dream of February 5 to mean that my psyche thinks I need to have more sex. It was a shitty day. In p.m. see “Now. More than ever. Brace yourself.”

February 6 dream:  Guy asking little girl in line, “What are you doing here? Not your comedy or anything, but what are you doing here?”

February 6 dream:  Trying to cash $1,600 paycheck at United California Bank on Christmas day. They tell me to try back tomorrow.

February 6 dream:  Running through the woods so fast. Try to slow down. Finally arrive at beach house with sculptures of people. Go thru greeting line. People are worshipping this young guy who’s sitting on the ground. I pass by quickly. He smiles at me with his eyes.

February 5, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Sun at library. Sudoku and Daniel at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear Sean coming home on his motorcycle. Just miss him. Hot unicyclist on Portola Drive. Go to CVS. On exiting try to avoid young girl in halter top, but she insists on showing me her breasts. (*Relates to hawk and two crows from hier at about the same time.) They were impressive. #43 home. Look back at guy who gives me dirty look. Later angry young guy gets off in a huff and calls his girlfriend a bitch. See “Brace Yourself.”

February 5 dream:  Give Leigh the last piece of chicken. Spend last of money on something else. (h.o.)

February 5 dream:  Red-headed school kid stays away from me ’cause he’s scared of me, but says I’m sacred of him. At end of dream 4 or 5 school kids pass me. Then there’s one standing in front of me trying to be menacing. I think he’s beautiful and tell him so.

February 5 dream:  The last Prosperos assembly? Not many people there.

February 5 dream:  At work. Absolutely nothing to do. My two co-workers took mescaline. I’m in my boxers and a dress shirt. Go to bathroom but janitor keeps popping in. Then woman co-worker. She asks me if I’ve been to Vegas a lot. I say only three times in my life. She says, “That’s what I thought. There’s a lot more to life.”

February 4, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See hawk being chased by two crows right on top of me at Vicente and West Portal. Douglas and Nedim at Peet’s. Good to see both of them again since they closed for almost a whole month due to COVID. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with cashier in training named Jesse. His/her name tag read “Jesse/she/they”. He/she looked like an effeminate guy with a beard and glasses. So I’m not sure what he/she is. If he/she is a transexual woman to man, why call herself she/they? If she’s transexual man to woman, why the beard? August there helping her. His name tag read “August/he/him”. I know these pronouns are supposed to show our increased acceptance of alternate sexualities, but that just pissed me off.

February 4 dream:  Returning items at military base. (h.o.)

February 4 dream:  Warning of something to come.

February 4 dream:  Join Scientology-type cult which appears to be opening up. No more unexplainable violence or secrets.

February 3, 2022:  In’ til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Bruce there. Hadn’t seen him since December 28, 2021. Find out he’s a friend of Fred Cline. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Insight: Realize it’s wrong to expect my healing to depend on somebody else. Realize also that my physical pain in probably secondary to my emotional pain. Realize it’s not John I’m hoping will heal me, but my father. Realize he’s never going to be able to do that. To give me the kind of love I think I need is just not in his ability to do. It’s not in John’s ability to do either. So I have to look elsewhere. I’ll have to do it for myself. Like we all have to do  it for ourselves. Go to W.F. Pass by green tea guy. I double back. I say, “So you’re the green tea guy?” He says, “Yes.” I say, “What do you recommend?” He told me a brand and said, “That’s what my intuition says. I don’t know where it comes from.” I say, “Yeah. None of us know where our intuition comes from.” Check out with Cole.

February 3 dream:  Taking stuff out of a pickup truck and into a car for moving. Little lion was one thing.

February 3 dream:  About to make myself a cheese sandwich. Woman says, “Is that your food?” I say, “Probably not.” She says, “Go ahead.” We’re at some sort of disaster scene.

February 3 dream:  Leave Grandma Smith with two candles(?) Go to take care of Livia M. Grandma Smith says she wants to help re-write Murder She Wrote.

February 2, 2022:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio there. He greets me. As I leave we chat briefly. I say, “It’s nice to see you.” He’s wearing black fingernail polish, I notice. (*Relates to shits from hier about this time, I think.) Later, outside store in W.P. some teenagers block my path. I say to man standing next to me, “Teenagers. What can you do?” Later in p.m. Dexter character says, “Teenagers. What can you do?” Walk home. Via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Isabella. I ask her, “Where’s August?” She was with us on January 29 as I check out with August and comment on the origin of his name. I say to Isabella, “Isabella was a queen, too, wasn’t she?” She looks away. Women in line behind me smile. Translate: I need an exorcism. Conclusion: Truth has a morality of its own.

February 2 dream:  Peeing in someone’s home. Hanz(?) there. No bathroom. (h.o.)

February 2 dream:  Man in trouble returning to his sister’s cabin in the woods.

February 2 dream:  Hearing about one thing bring up Tom C’s name. He speaks against including his name in the discussion and walks off hand-in-hand with young lady who I thought was gay. Two of the six or so lawyers were black women.

February 2 dream:  Guy insists I take art class before I put up my poster. I say, “No.” But go there anyhow. Can’t find class.

February 1, 2022:  Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 3ish. Walk to P.O. box and run into Eric from Peet’s, on Ocean Avenue. We talked for about half an hour. Shrey passes us on his way home. Walk to G.P. Feel “shitty.” Take shits at Safeway. Wait for #23 to G.P. in front of Jun’s salon. He calls me in. We talked for about 20 minutes. #23 to G.P. library. See Sudoku as C.B. is closing. See Sun on my way out of G.P. library. Walk up Monterey Boulevard to Safeway. On way to #43. I’m thinking that my body pains will stop as soon as John and I get together. Guys at barber shop wave at me as I’m walking by thinking this. I step back and wave back at them. #43 home. Peter surprises me after I get off bus. We walk and talk about his lab rats at UCSF.

February 1 dream:  Trying to get passes for the next couple of times. (h.o.)

February 1 dream:  Go in to get my tank filled at place I work out. Owner is a conservative businessman. They keep giving me advice on how to take care of my car which I rarely drive. I say, “Can you please just fill up my tank?” Earlier owner in fuzzy sweater sitting with his fuzzy dog

January 31, 2022:  Jerk off in a.m. Get anonymous call after. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Peet’s open again after about a month off. Eric there who I hadn’t seen since December 12, 2021. Also, Minnie(?) Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Translate: I believe I have “caught” a disease. Conclusion: Truth accepts Itself in whatever form It takes. From Arne Dahl in p.m. “I’ll be knocking on your door.”

January 31 dream:  Staying in same house as my father. Haven’t run into him yet. (h.o.)

January 31 dream:  Visit couple in nice building. Matt Lech there. While the two are talking, I ask Matt where he lives. He says, “Shreveport.” I say, “That’s a dead operation, like here?” He says, “Yeah.”

January 31 dream:  Visit Livia and Maureen. M says, “They (the Executive Council) won’t let me build my Model M city. Too Biblical.”

January 31 dream:  I eat some bit of red plastic.

January 31 dream:  On train, young guy thanks me. Later woman next to me says she’d like some chocolate. I buy us two M&M packets. Counter person says she’ll get tipped if she includes a slice of cake.

January 30, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to S.B. Portola. Talk with Jasper Craig (”Slow” guy from diary of January 23.) Walk to W.P. Take K home. Rams win. 49ers lose. Translate: I feel contaminated physically or psychically. Conclusion: The only doctrine is the doctrine of spiritual fullness.

January 30 dream:  I’m scheduled to give a Prosperos talk in a few minutes and I can’t get my talk to print out. Then I can’t find my talk on my computer.

January 30 dream:  I am a little boy running around trying to settle down so I can talk to some woman at work, perhaps my mother. Somebody says, “Now you’re an accomplice.”

January 30 dream:  Working late at the office. I tell all, “I wish I had time to clean up the place but it’s so late.”

January 30 dream:  After work, go to my car (my Mustang convertible) on Montgomery Street. It’s not there though people are getting into a convertible with two backseats. I ask if the car is mine but see that it isn’t. Take cab home. Driver says he doesn’t go all the way to City College.

January 30 dream:  Group of us trying to comfort grand-daughter of Joseph P. Kennedy, who has died, though she thinks he’s just sick.

January 29, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to S.B. Portola. See cute, young Asian tulpa on Ocean? Run into handsome, homeless guy named Christian in front of S.B. (*See diary of November 11, 2021.) Later run into Taylor inside S.B. (*See diary of January 2, 2022.) Walk down to W.P. Take K home. Homeless black woman starts conversation with me. Go to W.F. check out with August. (*See diary of December 31, 2021.) Go to McD’s to see fi they have plant-based meat. They say, “Not yet.” They’re going to call it “McPlant.”

January 29 dream:  [Voice inside my throat as I’m going to sleep says, “Listen.”]

January 29 dream:  Try to get into but am blocked by old folks home.

January 29 dream:  Working in law offices.

January 29 dream:  Standing next to Majority Report’s Matt Lech working on somebody else’s old computer. Matt says, “Did you read it [the papers coming out of the computer].” I say, “No. ’cause I don’t know how to.”

January 28, 2022:  In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to hair appointment with Jun. We have great time. At first we talk about robot marriages. Then older woman interrupts us and wants a haircut right away. So we talk about her. Walk to G.P. Sudoku and Brandon at C.B. when I say good-bye to Brandon, he says, “Good-night.” (*See diary of January 21.) Walk thru G.C.P. Passing siren gets all the coyotes howling. Go to M.S. They finally have lots of “Soy Dream” milk after I called the supplier last night. #48 and K home.

January 28 dream:  About to do a Sondheim musical which I’d never done before. I stop by to meet some of my fellow actors. (h.o.)

January 28 dream:  Tom O. tells me he’s gay and in a relationship with someone. Bob Matusiak helps me create a calling card for the Metaphysical Alliance. We use his phone numbers.

January 28 dream:  See my mother as an old lady sitting on a chair.

January 28 dream:  Coyote comes after me.

January 27, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk Monterey Boulevard to G.P. Cruise red-headed guy with nice body. (*Relates to hawk from two days ago at Monterey Boulevard, I think.) Sudoku at C.B. Cyclist and his dog at Portola and O’Shaughnessy smiles self-deprecatingly as I look at him. Guy at M.S. with pony tail. (*See diary of January 11.) #43 home. See Peter and talk with him about his experiments with rats at UCSF. Strong heart palpitations in the middle of the night.

January 27 dream:  Walk by bear in front of open garage/store. Black male owner comes out and turns bear into cute little monkey.

January 27 dream:  A few cockroaches around food we’re serving. I killed one. Talk to guy I like. I say, “Are you excited about Christmas?”

January 26, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up to Starbucks Portola. Interesting, sweet guy on Miraloma. Justin and other baristo at S.B. Finish Up-Wingers book. #43 home. Feel bouncy-happy on way to W.F. Then pass cute guy in shorts in front of Pakwan resto who smiles and looks away.

January 26 dream:  [Someone gently lifting sock off my face as I fall off to sleep.]

January 26 dream:  Eating a sandwich on my way out.

January 26 dream:  Drive thru massive new modern building in L.A. on Geary Boulevard where I live. The building takes up the whole block and then some. It houses PBS, Newsweek, and other media companies. My father is driving me there. Nancy O. there, too. Some want to go to party place afterwards. We stop by office where they work with all of the campaign volunteers.

January 25, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Ocean to G.P. Feel someone following me. I step aside. My “shirtless” Asian friend passes me. He is actually shirtless today. Follow other guy up Ocean to Mission. He crosses the street. I stay on my side of Mission. Go to Excelsior library. Same guy passes me. Then he turns around and says, “Are you following me?” In say, “No.” He laughs and says, “Yeah. What are the chances?” Hawk at Monterey Boulevard. Sudoku at C.B. He says he’s been anesthetized by philosophers. Also guy who I cruised relentlessly on January 19. Also nice barista there. Sun at G.P. library. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Then #43 home. Run into Peter. We talk, mostly about omicron. He tells me, “Hang loose.”

January 25 dream:  Playing game with my family. (h.o.)

January 25 dream:  I help marry skinny guy to overweight woman. (h.o.)

January 25 dream:  Stopping by my therapist’s, who was Judy Dench. Talked to her secretary who was also her daughter. I owed her $60 but didn’t go to the ATM so didn’t have it on me. I had a Prosperos class before but it ended early so I was able to stop by.

January 24, 2022:  In ’til noon. #29 and #38 to VA. My foot callus is a lot smaller. Nice to see Dr. Mah again. Go to La Promenade Cafe on Balboa. Nice guy there. Walk thru G.G. Park to Inner Sunset. Take N to Cole Street. Sit across from beautiful young black man who reveals his beauty to me just before getting off at UCSF. Get Vietnamese sandwich from my favorite sandwich maker at Luke’s. As I’m eating sandwich at Carl and Cole, filthy, fat homeless guy passes me. As he turns around notice his head and face which looks remarkably like John’s stunningly handsome face. Take #37 to Castro. Go into 440 Club for cranberry juice. Can’t get waited on so take pee and leave. Take K home. Cute Japanese h.s. kid keeps looking at his reflection in the window. Isaiah at W.F doesn’t speak or look at me. Insight on my breakthrough on January 17: I’d always known I had the fearful self within me. But now realized I also had the tyrant I was afraid of inside me as well. So whether my father abused me or not, he abused me. And I incorporated not only my fearful self, but him as well. Knowing this, I am in a more powerful position to deflate both. A lie uncovered is a lie self-destroyed.

January 24 dream:  Matt (from Majority Report) standing outside my door. I see him through the peephole. I open door. He gives me set of keys. I figure they are to Paul’s apartment. He says he’ll check back with me every four months to see how I do. I say, “Paul is dead scary.”

January 24 dream:  All the chairs are set up. Hear we have to set up more. Gives me chance to say goodbye to a friend. We’re getting the new chairs on the deck of an aircraft carrier. I’m going thru a list of the songs we can play.

January 24 dream:  Someone going to an AA-type meeting.

January 23, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola. Stop by CVS to buy Chron. See Austin again. (See diary of January 12.) Go to Starbucks Portola. Lock eyes with guy heading into restroom. Looked for him on his way out but never saw him again. Read more from Up-Wingers. See “slow” guy from January 16. He keeps to himself and his mother. #43 home. Make eye contact with guy standing though there are plenty of seats. I decide to stand as well in his honor.

January 23 dream:  Gave up my room in 4-bedroom place with Tom, Nancy and Laurie. And N.Y. didn’t work out.

January 22, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Get $25 donation from Janet C. “for all you do for all your communities.” Walk to Portola. Beautiful day. Feel kind of “shitty.” Starbucks Portola very quiet. Read more Up-Wingers by FM-2030. He says: “The individual does not belong to a specific community but is part of many communities–part of the whole planet.” #43 home. Go to W.F. Check out with Aisha, AOC lookalike. Chose not to check out with Isaiah.

January 22 dream:  At remarkable Prosperos meeting. Someone suggested we make the school the “person of the year.” I said, “Make it clear” because he said it incompletely. Then I said, “I agree. I think that’s a wonderful idea.”

January 22 dream:  Doing some job for Avalon Apartments. Tall, young, handsome guy exercising on the floor and sweating from his head.

January 22 dream:  Impress my co-worker with the job I do on my final tasks.

January 22 dream:  Thinking of ways to address my $10,000 debt and other smaller debts.

January 21, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Pass Circular Avenue friend from January 13, still working on his van. I look in, shading my eyes from the sun and move on. (*Relates to shits from hier at about the same time, I think.) G.P. library. At C.B., talk briefly with cute young baristo from January 17. Then black woman street cleaner interrupts to complain about pee on the restroom toilet seat. (I having been the last person in the restroom.) Walk thru G.C.P. Then M.S. Pushy woman behind me in line. #43 home.

January 21 dream:  Trying to call my editor but it’s late and I just get a message.

January 21 dream:  My female boss wants me to help pick out the best competition.

January 21 dream:  I am riding motorcycle without handlebars thru unpaved area near Santa Cruz. Woman giving me ride home says I should move there. I say I want to write two articles about the area.

January 21 dream:  At Prosperos gathering, Ruth Backlund(?) looking very happy. We hug. She asks me, “What does ‘in the line of’ mean?” I say that I think it means that she should write something “in the line of” something.

January 20, 2022:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Cute guy whose ass I check out as I’m leaving the building. He smiles. Hear guy on Ocean say, “It’s going to be epic.” Sweet cashier at 7-Eleven. Feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Take shits at Starbucks Portola. No connections there. See beautiful dog near CVS Portola. We check each other out. Walk to W.P. Take K home. W.F. On DVD in p.m., see “It won’t be long now” and “Any time now.”

January 20 dream:  Huge slice of pizza-type food. Guy wants his piece cut into to make it more manageable.

January 19, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Sun at library. Sudoku at C.B. Sit near cute young guy. As he leaves, I start cruising him mercilessly. Then stop myself. Then when he gets up, I go at him again. He pretends not to notice. Believe it or not, I think this is part of my spiritual ministry. I feel good. They feel good. It’s suprasex! Walk thru G.C.P. Wave to Janet, the Coyote Lady. She doesn’t wave back. #43 home.

January 19 dream:  Reorganizing everything in store after big earthquake. I’m working on women’s make-up.

January 19 dream:  Drive thru to big empty building. See black guy who I know and who was very big in the company.

January 19 dream:  Finishing his portion of some emotional letters. About to take lunch break.

January 19 dream:  Irene Smith still alive and at meeting which I emceed. I wanted her to share with the whole meeting but she said she’d call me. Walk home via forest with guy who had red splotches on his jacket like me. Lots of animals – a small bear, raccoons, chipmunks, etc. – gather around some potential source of food. I assume it was some animal in trouble.

January 19 dream:  Going thru Belarus backwards.

January 18, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Peet’s W.P. still closes at 2 p.m. this week. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Cute cashier at 7-Eleven where I buy Chron. Justin at Starbucks. Also Anthony lookalike who is very friendly with me. Also SOTA student who I cruised mercilessly as he walked out. #43 home.

January 18 dream:  Rich guy about to eat sandwich?

January 18 dream:  Go back to where I used to work. Make a mess. Try to clean up. Look at photo of “Vega,” an ancient symbol.

January 17, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. New baristo there. Very cute, sweet, quiet. I try to connect with him. As I leave, I say, “Are you going to be here tomorrow?” He says, “Well, not me. But we’ll be here.” See Lee in front of his liquor store reading SFMTA announcement on the telephone pole. We start talking. His mother comes out to get him away from me. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Cute guy with long hair and broad shoulders. I try to connect with him, too, so as I pass him in aisle, I say, “Are you finding everything you need?” He says, “Yes.” Walk home. Stop by Gennessee Street home which had all the beautiful Xmas tree lights. They were working out in an open garage and watching TV. I tried to make myself noticed. The dog perked up but not the two guys. Insight: As I get home around 6 p.m. hear guy playing scales on his saxophone. Try to find out which apartment he’s in. But when I go down to 2nd floor, he stops. Later realize what’s really upsetting me is not the saxophone playing but my anger. Realize later it’s not even my anger. It’s my father’s anger which I have incorporated within me. It’s like in those horror movies: “The call is coming from inside the house!” My father’s not really dead. He’s alive and well and living in my head! And emoting of his own volition! (*Relates to 2nd dream of hier? Also to woman from January 11 who predicted the end of the pandemic [at least my pandemic] in one week? Also to final football game from my Rosa Parks dream? The simultaneous game in Washington, D.C., and Miami, Florida, symbolizing me (Miami) separating off from my father (Washington) through this insight.)

January 17 dream:  Go out with some family and friends. Tom C. there. Nancy O. and Laura H. also. I thought we were going to a movie, but turned out to be a lecture. Give Tom C. a hard look. Lecturers were all professors dressed in suits and ties giving their talk from inside a pool. They were either treading water or casually swimming around as they talked about the coming of the Nazis.

January 17 dream:  Am invited over to friend’s house for party. The floor became muddy so I decided to leave after an hour or so.

January 17 dream:  Talking with woman in really nice home. Her parents have been away in London for 10 years. “But they send gifts,” she said.

January 16, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. See my “shirtless” Asian friend on Ocean who was actually shirtless today. Go to Starbucks. Somewhat “slow” young man comes in with his mother, I assume. He’s very sweet. He waves at most everybody who passes. He waves at me as I’m seated. Later he stands up and puts on a funny hat. I go over to him and say, “I like your hat.” He says, “My hat?” I say, “Yes.” He says, “I like you.” I say, “I like you, too.” #43 home. Work on book.

January 16 dream:  On an airplane, remembering the time I was on one which had cockroaches on it.

January 16 dream:  A friend of mine loves the military “for what they can do.” He’s trying to fit together event. Was able to straighten the roof which created a path for small rectangular box of information to slide right into my hands.

January 16 dream:  Guy trying to help me out is a Republican.

January 15, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Library. Sudoku and Daniel at C.B. Cute worker at Canyon Market who shows me the plant-based meat. Walk thru G.C.P. Janet, the Coyote Lady, there. #43 home. See Pater. Walk to W.F. with him. Check out with Cole. Cute young guy on 3rd floor with lots of clothes in his basket. Insight: Pedophilia is not a sexual act. It’s a form of bullying, someone with power having his (or her) way over somebody (a child) with no power.

January 15 dream:  Am in prison. Trying to get attention of beautiful naked man so I can get out.

January 15 dream:  Look at apartment I’d looked at a few years ago. Like it even less now.

January 15 dream:  Guy is trying at Philka Arms.

January 14, 2022:  Wake up late. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Begin reading Up-wingers (as opposed to right-wingers or left-wingers). Go to M.S. #43 home.

January 14 dream:  John and I hanging out at outdoor table. I ask why he doesn’t go back to his sister’s place. Then realize she’s not in. I guess he plans on staying there at the table. The waiter is trying to get us to leave. I tell John, “I’m glad you didn’t take too much whatever you took.”

January 14 dream:  Just moved to new city. Am with Tom C. and woman. Then other older woman says to me, “You’ll be taking a job in a law firm.” Tom suddenly turns her around, apparently to show her something she wanted to see. Later driving around on bikes. Then just horrible, filthy neighborhood.

January 14 dream:  Helping someone wrap a present for Laura Bush. I have to reopen box. It’s a tent, I think. Perhaps new, but with lots of dirt on it.

January 13, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Cute, sweet Asian man washing his newly-purchased van on Circular Avenue. Gang of h.s. boys running by. Cute bicyclist with them. Librarian at G.P. was interested in Inflamed, the book I just returned. I admitted I hadn’t really read it. Sudoku at C.B. Also loud techie. He yells at his phone, “Dick are you comfortable.?” I say, “Yeah, I’m comfortable.” Barista smiles at me. Walk thru G.C.P. See Rachel Gordon walking with her partner. I talk briefly with her. See Janet, the Coyote Lady. Talk briefly with her. Then family with two little girls walking down steps as I walk up them. Little girl says, “I’m tired.” I say, “So am I.” Tall, good-looking daddy smiles at me and says, “You’ve got a long way to go, kiddo.” Strange young man at O’Shaughnessy. #43 home.

January 13 dream:  Swimming pools.

January 13 dream:  I’m mad at friend of mine. He assumes we’re going to lunch together. I go off in another direction.

January 12, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up to CVS Portola. Cute, sweet young guy named Austin helps me out. Starbucks Portola closed. Take #48 to W.P. Starbucks W.P. closed. Take K to Java Hut on Ocean Avenue. I step outside to take photo of beautiful sunset. Then two others do likewise. W.F. Home.

January 12 dream:  Tom O. and I swinging thru trees of forest. Trying to figure out what to fix. Land on two very tall trees and decide to do an online presentation about coffee, for a woman.

January 12 dream:  Have sex with really cute guy in public restroom. Get so excited that I dissociate. I hope I did okay. We plan to meet again. Later have to take care of two things downtown. Go to most dangerous block in the city. Black guy shakes my hand. I am a reporter.

January 12 dream:  Run into friends. Nancy O. there. They’re going to big demonstration. I ask which one ’cause I was at one earlier.

January 11, 2022:  Get call from friendly guy talking about real estate in Texas. (*Relates to shits from hier. Also to dream of January 8 in which friendly cat is pawing at me with mice in the background while I sleep. The cat is the friendly guy. The mice in the background are John. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Gay friend at library. Go to C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. See coyote and Janet, the Coyote Lady, with her “granddog.” Outside M.S., see woman taking photo of the sunset. I say, “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” She said, “The sky looked this way a week before the pandemic started.” I said, “Maybe this means it will be coming to an end.” She said, “I hope so.” Then see beautiful young M.S. guy with hair tied in the back and lots of tattoos. I share with him what the lady told me. He says, “Interesting.” #43 home. Insight: Realized (after watching Dexter season 2, that when my father said, “Just hit me” that I could respond, “No, I don’t want to become you.” Also: Does the cat and mice dream of January 8 relate to the Washington, D.C., and Miami part of my Rosa Parks dream?

January 11 dream:  Old mole coming off. (h.o.)

January 11 dream:  Some family moving out in a hurry. Bob Labansat there.

January 10, 2022:  See “Tonight” in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Sudoku at C.B. Have shits at C.B. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. #43 home.

January 10 dream:  Woman shoveling dirt from one spot in her front yard to another spot in her front yard.

January 10 dream:  Copying pages of text by hand. The rest is sketches. So I’m about to ask if i’m finished.

January 10 dream:  Rush to eat steak sandwich. Drop half of it on the floor. Remember how good they used to be.

January 10 dream:  Beautiful guy shows off his ass. He’s with others in a pool. Try go get back to him. Get lost in coffee shop.

January 9, 2022:  Tough nite last nite. Called Peet’s W.P. Eduardo says they won’t be back to normal hours ’til January 17. In ’til 4ish. Walk up to Mt. Davidson. Then Starbucks Portola. See amazingly beautiful young Japanese guy with his boyfriend. At first I was attracted. Then, as he revealed himself more, not so much. Walk down to Monterey. #43 home. Wrench my back somewhat. Go to W.F. Meet new checkout guy named Jonathan. Min and Isaiah also there.

January 9 dream:  Thinking, “Perhaps somebody died today.”

January 8, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Gay friend at library. Sudoku and Daniel at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. See coyote and Janet, the Coyote Lady. Go to M.S. Bought 4 cartons of “Soy Dream.” Share my excitement with checkout girl. #43 home. Two guy son bus. One kind of told me where to sit. Later he showed me on his cellphone a photo of him in front of “Hot Cookie” on Castro. Insight: Twice my father inadvertently told me the truth. “Just hit me” mean I should stand up to him and I never did. He was right. And “Do you think this [the stepfamily] is just a lie?” was his way of admitting that it was. Hear “le soir” (tonight) on DVD. (*See diary of January 3.)

January 8 dream:  I’m in plane descending through clouds.

January 8 dream:  Almost at end of trip. The cat is out so the mice are out to play. [Feel cat’s paws curiously pawing at my blanket as I sleep.  i think, “You better be the cat and not the mice.]

January 8 dream:  Woman editing something as if I didn’t already know.

January 7, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Forgot cell phone earphones. Go home. Walk up Plymouth to W.P. Peet’s closed again. Walk up Ulloa. Cute young guy, like a h.s.-aged John walking in front of me. I check him out. He turns around and poses for me. Go to Starbucks. #43 home.

January 7 dream:  Trying to get some information from a fellow game player. (h.o.)

January 7 dream:  Looking up all 52 counties in California. Someone called from the County of Ming. I joke, “Yes, we are very interested in your Mingness.”

January 7 dream:  Two of us comment on Susan Sarandon’s tongue. She shows us. It does look healthy. She asks me what I thought of Perry’s talk. I thought it was okay.

January 6, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to library. Sudoku at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 home. Five Latino construction workers get on. One sitting near me has beautiful eyes. He notices me looking at him and tries to hide. This excites me. Get home and jerk off.

January 6 dream:  Boarding submarine through 16 mile sort of straw.

January 6 dream:  Big safe in my father’s bedroom. Pacifier in the safe.

January 6 dream:  Run into guys from Berniecrats. They are having a meeting. So I stay.

January 5, 2022:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Beautiful Asian guy at Miramar K stop. Guy near W.G. smiles at me knowingly. Peet’s closed. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Adam there showing off his body. Other cute guy as I leave. I make special point of passing by him before he leaves. #43 home. Gabe at W.F.

January 5 dream:  The story of me before I became a full-time Being operator. Two little girls wrestling. Sarah F. smiles at me on entering classroom.

January 5 dream:  In courtroom, I’m telling lawyer that we need to say things with wit and flare to get people on our side. Later woman lawyer points out I’m on an “open list.” She runs her hand through my hair.

January 5 dream:  Uncle Nick finds woman next door in a tub of water with her eyes bugged out. Also a dog in a separate tub. I ask him if he’s called anyone. He says he informed the national authorities. Later we find out the woman is OK. The dog didn’t make it.

January 5 dream:  Husband found floating face downwards in a clear, clean swimming pool.

January 4, 2021:  Wake up. Clock says 10:33 A.M. Later it says 10:19 A.M. Remembering the time shortly before May 21, 1987, when I woke up hearing the words “May 21st” and then ignored a naked, showering, smiling John at the YMCA a few days before May 21, knowing that I would run into him again on May 21. Which, of course, never happened. Shits at about 2ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to library. Librarian there very nice to me. Sudoku at C.B. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Jun busy at his salon. Take #43 home. As I exit bus, cute young guy tries to bust his way in before everyone has exited. I block his way.

January 4 dream:  Write out $100 check to The Prosperos. Can’t figure out what date it is. I think it’s June 8.

January 3, 2022:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See “Tonight.” Nedim and Mimi at Peet’s. It’s raining, so take K home. Go to W.F. Long lines. Isaiah looks in a bad moon so I get in fast check out line. Unintentionally check out with Gabe. I ask him about his dance moves. As he gives me my bag, he touches me more than is needed. At first I resist. Then I let go. It feels great. Insight: Cramp from last night relates to birth cramps?

January 2, 2022:  Jerk off to man online whose eyes look like John’s. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See Shrey talking with somebody at Java Hut on Ocean Avenue. See my “shirtless” Asian friend who was actually shirtless today. Cute guy in pizza place on Ocean who turns around as I pass. Both Starbucks and Peet’s W.P. are closed. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Taylor sitting at long common table. Last time I saw him was on March 15, 2020, just before the pandemic began. Say hello briefly, and order my drink. When I return to the table, he’s gone. Go to M.S. #43 home. Insight: My father’s request to “Just hit me!” a veiled threat about what he’d do to me if I ever told?

January 2 dream:  Checking in with my group. (h.o.)

January 2 dream:  Chasing my fat cat and some other animal around the house. [Wake up with a big leg cramp in my left leg.]

January 2 dream:  Guest at a church. I am making the bed furiously to make up for the sins that have been done.

January 1, 2022:  Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 4sh. Walk to W.P. Four people say hello to me. Get to Starbucks W.P. at 4:40. They close at 4:45. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Cute baristo there looks like Anthony, but isn’t. Also other cute guy mopping the floor. Caught the eye of first baristo, not the second. Flirt with burrito lady at Miraloma Market or vice versa. #43 home. Catch glimpse of guy as I exit. On 2nd glance see even hotter guy behind him. Involuntarily laughing at somebody’s death on TV. Ask myself: What is the emotion behind that inappropriate emotion? Answer: Superiority. Remembered time in Paris when we students were on barge passing under bridge which was supposed to be romantic spot for the person you were with at the time. I was with sweet young guy who I really would have loved to kiss.

January 1 dream:  Trying to tell Laurie and a friend that I walked down upper Market with my eyes shut, going by smell alone. And that Safeway has a particular smell. Laurie and I decided to both have different kinds of frozen TV dinners.

January 1 dream:  About to have sex with a woman.

January 1 dream:  Sitting at desk at work with no work to do. My female supervisor takes my desk for a project she’s working on. I say, “Can I have my desk back?”

January 1 dream:  Dream of victory over woman from the Eastern part of the U.S. (*Relates to Heather’s email on January 2, defending her anti-vax stance, I think.)

December 31, 2021:  Insight: Fear of New Year’s Eve. Will we make it through? Things don’t always stick around. Like my mother. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. He’s got eye-liner on. I say, “Do you have big plans for tonight?” He says, “Yes, I’m having some friends over and we’re going to play ‘Dungeons and Dragons.’ How about you?” I say, “No.” He says, “Well maybe something will turn up.” Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. “Sir Allen” not there. #43 home. Go to W.F. Check out with August and Cole.

December 31 dream:  Me and woman partners in police case.

December 31 dream:  Nasty woman tries to undermine me at work.

December 31 dream:  Laurie in bed 2nd time. This time she shoots bug directly in the eyes and body with her bug spray. It’s like a big spider with pincers.

December 30, 2021:  in ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See my “shirtless” Asian friend walking without a mask. I say, “Where’s your mask?” He looks at me briefly and then walks on. Doug and Kai at W.P. Walk up Ulloa. Guy singing “Fly Me to the Moon” on his way down. Could be a tulpa. (*Relates to shits from hier about the same time?) Go to M.S. “Sir Allen” there but he didn’t look happy or good. Insight: Callus on my sole relates to callousness in my soul?

December 30 dream:  Trying to get to end of class on tape. It comes in three tapes.

December 30 dream:  Woman reading book by well-known author. I took a piece and ate it. Wondered what I would taste like as a writer.

December 29, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Rainy day. #49 and J to G.P. Sun at library. Sudoku at C.B. Walk home via Circular Avenue feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Rush into apartment and take shit. Walk to Johnny B. Goode. Get repaired shoe. Go to W.F. Min there but I miss him. Buy sparkling apple cider. Work on book. It’s almost ready.

December 29 dream:  Playing with German (enemy) lady’s “dog.” really just a long piece of cloth which wagged.

December 28, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Cold day. 44 degrees in W.P. Take K to W.P. Nedim and Bruce at Peet’s. Take K home. Take shoes back to “Johnny B. Goode.” Guy at Wells Fargo ATM gets excited just seeing me. Go to W.F. Isaiah in bad mood, as usual.

December 28 dream:  While I was in the showers, someone broke in and stole some money, I think.

December 28 dream:  Mark Leno was with friendly guy I knew somehow in the dream but not in waking life. I say to guy, “Do you know who that is?” He says, “Yes.”

December 27, 2021:  As I’m looking out my window, small bird alights briefly on my balcony. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Rainbow on the way. Daniel at C.B. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Jun closed. #43 home.

December 27 dream:  They turned the lights out but I finally got the sandwich I was looking for. Joan Didion was there. Someone said, “What about her?”

December 27 dream:  Michael Brown-type guy “on the mat” telling us about himself. I shoot daggers at him with my eyes, telling him not to lie. Later Calvin says he feels sorry for him. I know he’s lying ’cause I saw him feeling a lot more than sorry.

December 27 dream:  I’m going to miss some of the old gang.

December 26, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Cold, rainy day. Take K to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. Also baristo named Thor. Woman seated near me gives me the eye. Take K home. Doug at W.F. Check out with Cole. Insight: John came into my life, not be my partner, but to show me who I am or at least who I was. Like John, I like being an object of sexual desire. It makes me feel powerful, useful, important, meaningful, happy. Relates to final simultaneous football game in Washington, D.C. and Miami from my Rosa Parks dream? Me enjoying being treated like a sexual object by my father (Miami) and me wanting to be taken seriously as a “son of God” (Washington, D.C.) (*Insight relates to bird on my balcony from December 27?)

December 26 dream:  Some woman trying to take down my knickers. Me wanting to take down the knickers of some woman. (h.o.)

December 26 dream:  Guy tries to take painting from me. I refuse to give it to him. He looks to his coach. I say, “Don’t look to your coach. This is a moral question. You are lying.”

December 26 dream:  A couple of classes going on. Guy decides he may drive a mini-car instead of his bike.

December 25, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Take K to W.P. Buy Chron at Eezy-Freezy. Cute h.s. kid I talk with. He has paint splatters on his pants. I say, “Are you a painter?” he says, “Yeah, my dad’s in construction and I help him out sometimes.” Walk up to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there looking adorable. Also young man reading Wisdom of Life by Schopenhauer. Also a book by Ayn Rand. We talked briefly, twice. Give $4 to my homeless friend in the alley. Walk up to Mt.D. and down home. I’m a little pissed that everything’s closed on Xmas. Get email from Vincent wanting to keep in touch. Makes my scalp itch.

December 25 dream:  Father walks into bathroom just as I was heading that way. I slam something down on the table. “He’s been acting that way for years,” someone says.

December 25 dream:  Starting new job as middle school teacher in small town in Texas. I will be the only male teacher. I am being given my supplies. On top shelf, something with two names, Marsha and Marilyn, written on it. My supervisor says, “Looks like this is something between women.”

December 25 dream:  Volunteer for program. Realize it requires me to stay in facility for a while. Decide to walk out.

December 25 dream:  Sign up to go up in a hot air balloon to root for the Cleveland Browns.

December 25 dream:  Cleaning up shelving in fancy store in outer reaches of San Francisco.

December 24, 2021:  Richard Branam calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Nedim is outside Peet’s, closing up. Wave to Douglas. Go to Starbucks. Guy walking by gives me the eye. Nice chat with baristo. Take K home. See Min at W.F.

December 24 dream:  Trying to pay my concentration camp fees. Push away those who cut in front of me. Guy said they’d get my Zohar bill. (h.o.)

December 24 dream:  Trying to get down gym ladder without allowing new guys to embarrass me.

December 24 dream:  Guy tricks competitor into applying for a job at the time he should have been applying for a different job.

December 23, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Seven Xmas cards await me in my newly repaired mailbox. Walk to W.P. Nedim and Douglas and Mimi and James at Peet’s. Begin reading The Lover. Not impressed yet. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.P. Was going to check out with Cole but decided to check out with Gabe instead. I asked him if he’s been working on his dance moves. (*See diary of December 13.) He said, “Everybody’s going to be doing it.”

December 23 dream:  Empty glasses of ice water. Get ready to do something carefully.

December 23 dream:  Really cute, nice young girl and I are alone. She wants to go further. I walk her to the car. The rest of the family is waiting in the car for her. I try to say something, to make it appear as if we are not so connected,. Then just give that up and walk off. They all smile.

December 23 dream:  Building boarded off due to expectation of tsunami. I try to take picture but my camera goes blurry.

December 23 dream:  Children (me?) being plants in garden as a service for the gods. Something done around Xmas time. I’m dressed in black and white outfit.

December 23 dream:  On big ship at port preparing for some big event. Someone in charge asked about one of the men. I say, “He’s also on board ’cause he’s younger than my boss.”

December 22, 2021:  Get call from maintenance that my mailbox has been fixed. Walk to G.P. Say “Good Afternoon” to Sudoku. He questioned whether it was a good afternoon. Sun at library. Daniel at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” Talk with h.s. guy sweeping up floor. Go to CVS. Get help from Japanese young man with beautiful eyes. Take #43 home. Talk with Peter about Omicron and learning foreign languages. His sister goes to CSU. Call asking for John Pinkerton. I say, “Are you John Pinkerton?” He says, “No, I’m looking for John Pinkerton.” I say, “So am I.” Go next door to get package. Four or five guys sitting around table in lobby eating their McD food. One guy smiled at me coming and going.

December 22 dream:  Trying to get everything on the right track. (h.o.)

December 22 dream:  Two beautiful drummers are female. Guy gets them together and they are about to perform.

December 22 dream:  “You’re done, son.”

December 22 dream:  In busy part of S.F. I’d never seen before. With fat, gay friend I wanted to get away from.

December 21, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Avalon says my mailbox is broken and I have to get in touch with the office to get my mail. No one is in the office. No one responds to my email or my phone message. See “shirtless” friend just as he’s walking away from me. It’s kind of cold and rainy so take K to W.P. New baristo named James at Peet’s. Also Douglas, Nedim, Mimi. Then in comes James, the actor. (*See diary of August 25.) Talk with him briefly. He sort of cruises me. Last time I saw him he was with who I thought was his girlfriend. Take K part way home. Get shoes fixed at shoe repair place on Ocean for only $5. Very nice man there. (*See July 29, 2020 diary.) Email service request to Avalon to get my mail. Work on book. Drop and break bowl in p.m.

December 21 dream:  Staying in Texas. Lots of spiders come out at night. Lots of cats, too. I wondered if the cats would eat the spiders. Guy talking about how Texas gave away part of Oklahoma.

December 21 dream:  Thane holding big dinner party. A Picasso will be shown one night and another artist on the next night.

December 21 dream:  Win Jeep in lottery.

December 21 dream:  Woman trying to help me at work only makes things worse and the work keeps piling up.

December 20, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. See “shirtless” Asian guy with muscle T-shirt on. He smiles sort of. Walk to W.P. Douglas and Nedim at Peet’s. Pretty quiet. Douglas says good-bye to me as I leave. (*Relates to shits from hier about the same time, I think.) Walk home via alternative route. Work on book in p.m. Only ten pages to go.

December 20 dream:  Do we stay or do we go?

December 20 dream:  Fighting with Chris H-type friend.

December 20 dream:  Go to park with two friends. One says he’s going to get some sun. I say, “Me, too.” Though have 2nd thoughts about the people in the park.

December 19, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Cute Asian guy on Judson. He was getting out of his car as his girlfriend (wife?) had already entered the house. He flirted with me with his eyes and I walked on as if I didn’t notice, but so as he would notice me not noticing. Go to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Sudoku also. Shits at C.B. before leaving about 5 p.m. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Check out with Marcus. Wait for #43. Go over to resto to check out cute Asian guy in glasses I followed over there. Insight: Panicky feeling of claustrophobia hier laying on my stomach on chiropractic table relates to my sexual abuse by my father? In p.m. see Episode 5 of Patrick Melrose in which Patrick (as his younger self) says to his father, “No. Nobody should do that to anybody else.”

December 19 dream:  Go to comedy/therapy camp where I find out I have been sexually abused. Hope I have time to deal with it.

December 19 dream:  Took two long-legged insects out of my left foot. Then tied up my tennis shoes (and my bike) and rode to my sweetheart’s place. She was an older woman.

December 19 dream:  Sunday “I Do” special at 7 p.m. I was wearing the striped shirt with colored stripes on the bottom and black and white stripes on the top, so I was invited.

December 19 dream:  Pay $25 for some cookies and a drink. Meet Ana Kasparian (played by Jennifer Aniston) as I pay. She’s very nice to me. We do high five. [Woke up coughing.]

December 18, 2021:  Anonymous call about 11:30 a.m. (*Relates to shits from hier about the same time?) In ’til 1ish. Take K to Van Ness for chiropractic at 2:30. Then walk up to Castro Street blocked off for Matrix #4 (“The Resurrections”) premiere this p.m. Walk by J’s bar. Then take K to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. Also Vincent. I sit next to him before I notice it’s him. We talk for over an hour. Today he is talking about his “girlfriend.” We talk about Paris, London and the book he is writing an essay about, “L’Amant” (“The Lover”). I said, “Are you ready for Christmas?” He said, “I have lots of alcohol stored up, if that’s what you mean.” He says it’s good to have a good cry once a year. I agree. Talk briefly with Douglas on way out. Take K home. It’s 47 degrees in West Portal. Stop at W.F. Check out with Isaiah.

December 18 dream:  Trying to get from some people.

December 18 dream:  Discover six questions for next Wednesday’s quiz written on public board at crosswalk. I’m with my current girlfriend Erika who used to be named Nancy. I see my old girlfriend Nancy. I say, “Nancy, meet Nancy.” Erika gets upset. “It’s Erika.”

December 18 dream:  Guy making sign for upcoming event.

December 18 dream:  Living on beach. Notice neighbors upstair having a fight. I can see man yelling at woman in their window. Think about telling the landlord. Then she comes over. I try to comfort her. She opens a few doors in my kitchen including door to basement. Realize they are there for a reason.

December 17, 2021:  In ’til about 11:30. Just as I’m leaving, have to shit. Come back. Shit. Shower. Catch #29 and #38 to VA. Cute young Japanese teen on #38. Dermatology appointment. Second doctor was really hot and actually talked to me. Asked me about my life. Sounded interested. First doctor called spots on my back “wisdom spots.” I’d never heard that one before. Walk to La Promenade Cafe. Johnish-looking guy in shorts. I want to make some connection so I ask him to watch my cell phone as I take a leak. Walk thru G.G. Park. Runner smiles at me as I check him out. Catch N to Cole Valley. Get Vietnamese sandwich at Luke’s. Same guy as first time a few months ago. Wait for #37 or #43, whichever comes first. #43 was supposed to arrive first but #37 arrived first, so I took it to the Castro. Get stuck at Market ’cause driver didn’t want to let in several teen skateboarders who, he said, had damaged his bus before. Finally most of the boys left, but three get on. As I left bus, I said to them, “I guess you guys are pretty dangerous.” They liked that. Go to 440 Club for cranberry juice. Castro Theatre getting ready for world premise of Matrix #4 tomorrow. Take M to W.P. Young boy with paper crown on his head. I say, “Are you royalty or something?” He says, “No.” I say, “I like your hat.” Go to Peet’s. Pass Vincent on the way. He gives me a dirty look. (*Relates to shits from hier at about the same time, I think.) Think I see Douglas at Peet’s. Go in. It’s Roman. Order drink to go. Rush to catch K. Sit next to same young boy with paper crown, which is the only seat available. Don’t speak to him, though later Tom Blair comes on board and we talk briefly and boy starts talking with one of his school friends. Go to W.F. See Min with nobody in his line.

December 17 dream:  My boss says, “You were such a nice guy when I met you in Westwood. You really should learn to play the piano.” (h.o.)

December 17 dream:  Guy calling in the street: “We need to love the animal. We need to love the shark,” etc.

December 17 dream:  Rooming with Sara Walker, cat finds my shaving cream. Other Prosperos there, including Fennie.

December 17 dream:  Deiter trying to get away from cult. As soon as he walks out, he’s met by cult members on the street trying to get him back. Deiter goes into gay pose and dishes cult guy’s jacket.

December 16, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Sun at library. I waited in his line but he was taking a really long time and other librarian opened up her window. Go to C.B. Ugly baristo there. Also Sudoku briefly. Barista closes bathroom early, as I go to library bathroom. Feel sudden urge to shit, which I do. Only it wouldn’t flush. So I leave “gift” for Sun or whomever comes upon it. Decide to walk home via Monterey instead of G.C.P. Work on book for nearly two hours. Watching subtitle in p.m., the dialogue online was “I’m just fine” and the subtitle, but not the online dialogue, continued, “And so are you.”

December 16 dream:  Trying to learn French and something else in one day. Touching hands with little girl along with her mother. (h.o.)

December 16 dream:  Need to spend my coin on learning my trade.

December 16 dream:  Counting out $50 of donation for an atomic clock which looked like a piece of plastic sheet with a magnet in the middle.

December 16 dream:  Talking with Heather about her feminism not being consistent with writing a new version of the Lord’s Prayer.

December 16 dream:  My arm on back of bus seat. Cute guy leaning against it with his butt. I don’t move my arm away.

December 15, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Same ugly librarian at Ingleside library as before the pandemic began. Eduardo and Ramon at Peet’s in W.P. Vincent came in later. We talk quite a while. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Cute guy looking at soup. I say, “Is their soup good/” He says, “I don’t know.” Work on book in p.m. Insight from my book: “Reason I get off on cute men being humiliated (as I did earlier today when I jerked off) is because I’m re-enacting what my father did to me. He used his power over me to get off. I get off when those with power over me (beautiful men) are humiliated or brought down. That’s probably why I’ve had so much difficulty accepting sexual invitations from beautiful men. I didn’t want that self in me to emerge.”

December 15 dream:  Somebody had picked out some photos they like for my book.

December 15 dream:  Carol Carter wants to take me out of group. I was sleeping on the couch at the time or at least just waking up.

December 15 dream:  Carol Carter says, “I do.”

December 15 dream:  My roommate is having sex. I go to 1st floor. When I take elevator back to “2” the door comes off and it doesn’t work.

December 15 dream:  Something about the I-805. (See diary of December 14 about alarm clock going off at 8:05.)

December 15 dream:  Waiting for somebody to pick me up at noon. It’s a few minutes before. I’m at work at a construction site.

December 14, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. He looked at me twice, once. Bruce there also. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” He says, “Have a wonderful night.” Alarm clock goes off by itself at 8:05 p.m.

December 14 dream:  Hard-on dream.

December 14 dream:  Getting 25, I think, books out, produced by or titled “Flesh.”

December 14 dream:  On an outing with the relatives. At hotel meet character who says he’s a TV star. Looks sort of like Doogie Howser.

December 14 dream:  Stay at same girls’ cabin in the woods. [Illegible.] They just got married finally.

December 13, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. As I walk out, see beautiful, tall black man with tight pants, waiting in front of W.F. I turn around a couple of times to check him out. Then see “shirtless” Asian friend walking by wearing only a muscle T-shirt in the rain. Take K to W.P. Nedim at Peet’s. As I leave, meet Vincent who’s a Harvard Ph.D student. He was reading a book in French. He asked for my email address which I gave him. Go to W.P. station. The K was there but I hung around to talk with hot guy wearing only shorts and T-shirt. As I passed him, I said, “You need an umbrella.” He said, “I have a friend who’s going to pick me up.” Wait for K. Go to W.F. Check out with Min and Gabe. Compliment Gabe on his dance moves which I had seen him display a few moments before. He said, “Everybody’s going to be doing it.” I said, “I doubt that I will.”

December 13 dream:  Me holding a bouquet of flowers.

December 13 dream:  My partner brought food back for the bosses but none for him and I.

December 13 dream:  Someone tells us to say, “Okay.” I do. Others are not so sure.

December 13 dream:  Rachel Maddow takes over as my supervisor while he’s gone. I tell her, “I don’t know whether I’m doing a good job or a bad job. Things are so much up in the air.” She suggests rest.

December 13 dream:  Woman says to me, “Now that your father is dead, you no longer have to love him.”

December 12, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. A little rainy. “Shirtless” guy just as I leave. He smiles as I’ve seen him about this time for several days in a row. Go into “Black” store on Ocean. Ask for anti-Asian hate T-shirt. They don’t have any but woman there and her daughter are very sweet. Then homeless woman in front of Java Hut smiles at me as I’m thinking about something. Guys on K. Persian guy gets out of his seat for me. Cute Asian guy staring at me as I exit on 14th Avenue. Eric and Nedim at Peet’s. Eric and I talk briefly. I bite my tongue while talking to him. Take K home. Stop at W.F. See Doug in bakery. (*See diary of December 3.) I thank him for having pumpkin pies. He says, “Now, it’s not a ‘shame’.” Work on book in p.m. Hear “I’m not afraid anymore” in p.m.

December 12 dream:  A friend wants to give me a haircut so I’ll look like George Washington. (h.o.)

December 12 dream:  Had to arrest and then take down guy who was shooting other suspects with a staple gun.

December 12 dream:  2nd day of calmness(?)

December 12 dream:  Flush paper down urinal. Hope it doesn’t get stuck.

December 12 dream:  Clean some streets in the Mission. Bus driver drives over part I didn’t clean.

December 11, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Lee at liquor store. No Chrons. Go to library. No Sun. then C.B. Sudoku comes in later. Have nice talk with Daniel on my way out. Walk thru G.C.P. Run into Sean on Amethyst, just as he’s driving in. I say, “Sean, isn’t it?” He says, “Yes…Mike?” Go to M.S. Check out with Alex. “Sir Allen” nearby. #43 home.

December 11 dream:  Train full of people. Person says, “There’s one more baseball game, if you want, tonight and the next day. Or you can stay on.”

December 11 dream:  Trying to update everything as “done.”

December 11 dream:  Afraid I’m going to forget my lines in skit we are doing about the Army.

December 11 dream:  Nate, a black guy, and I both make it back to the city from the East Bay. Then I lose him. Then I find where he works. And they’re waiting for him, too. I need to give him receipts for the items I gave him.

December 11 dream:  Run into Tom C. and Hanz at East Bay bus station. Tom not too happy to see me. They go off somewhere. I shrug to Hanz.

December 10, 2021:  Wake up about 8 a.m. Take nap later. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Run into Shrey in front of Ingleside Gallery. He invites me to participate in show in January. To to Peet’s in W.P. Eric there. I give him the Gurdjieff book. He said he’d get it right back to me. I wore the wrong shoes so my feet are sore and I take K home. Go to W.F. Don’t check out with Cole, though we do greet each other after. Theme of the day: Guys who think I’m after them when I’m really not. Work on book in p.m.

December 10 nap dream:  Working with woman (maybe Sarah Flynn) to do a song album of her songs. I think, ‘Maybe I should sing some songs, too.”

December 10 dream:  Am invited over for dinner at woman’s, who’s part of our group. I pick at some food in the kitchen. She says, “Oh, that’s no good.” (h.o.)

December 10 dream:  Airplane wheel about to touch down.

December 10 dream:  On full bus with wedding party. Guy who just got married is out of his mind high or drunk. He did something bad but he didn’t care. The driver is tearing down the road. Beautiful lake and snowy-covered mountains to our right. We arrive at destination. I’m thinking I might be a 4th Way teacher.

December 9, 2021:  in ’til 3ish. Anonymous call as I’m leaving. (*Relates to “shits” from hier at about 3 p.m.?) Walk to W.P. via Yerba Buena Ave. Nedim and Douglas and Bruce at Peet’s. As I leave I see handsome guy who looks a bit like John. As I look at him, I catch Douglas’s eye. We talk briefly. He’s a studying computer science at Skyline College. Hopes to transfer to UC Irvine or UC Santa Cruz. I say, “Santa Cruz sounds nice.” Take K home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. He wants to work for “Vice” or some such journalistic outfit. He says, “It feels like I see you everyday.” I say, “I make a point of getting in you line.” Work on book in p.m. Fire alarm in p.m.

December 9 dream:  Guy at station telling us which areas are our responsibilities. (h.o.)

December 9 dream:  Woman complains about S.F. parking. I say, “They’re publishing a video of all our government building if you want to check it.” She doesn’t. Van with “Mayor Newsome” board game on it.

December 8, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Shits as I’m about to leave. Walk to W.P. Eduardo there. Eric never shows up. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F Check out with Isaiah. Hot, tall guy with nice pecs looking at his cellphone in the elevator. Also very nice smell. I want to tear off his clothes and pounce.

December 8 dream:  Me and another guy set off to work. Woman shows up intermittently to host the morning show. (h.o.)

December 8 dream:  Royal young prince is popular with the press. He almost leaves his mother, the queen, behind.

December 8 dream:  While I was out, my roommates put in new carpet foundation. I said, That’s good. Then you can put in a new carpet and trim the ledge with paint.”

December 8 dream:  Moving back into my apartment. Tall, hot guy in leather pants who was somebody’s lover.

December 7, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Follow my shirtless Asian friend up Ocean Avenue all the way to Mission Street. Then cute guy getting out of car nearly walks into me. Then strange guy sitting in car waving at me with his fingers. Then Asian guy followed by several woman acknowledges me as he enters bank. Excelsior library guard disappointed I wasn’t picking up any books. Walk to G.P. Go to library. See Sun in background. Then sit near Sudoku at C.B. Later he sits at table across from me and smiles and stares at me. Walk up Monterrey to Safeway. The just miss #43 home. Walk home instead. Take some great photos of Xmas lights on Gennessee. Work on book in p.m.

December 7 dream:  Move to sort of commune. Each couple with their own area and there’s a common area, too.

December 7 dream:  Female comedian (Melissa McCarthy) inhaling food and then spitting it out. Me trying to find two books.

December 6, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Nedim there. Sit next to two ugly young women. They leave. Guy in hoodie sits down. Later find out it’s Eric. We talk for quite a while. They had to kick us out. (*See last dream of December 4.) As I leave, I drop my pen. Then I drop my empty paper cup. Hope to see him again on Wednesday. He’s 21. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. He’s studying journalism at SFSU. Work on book in p.m.

December 6 dream:  At my first gig as a policeman. Woman there points out particular areas of my body which need exercise.

December 6 dream:  Guy recommending I don’t have to count out so long.

December 6 dream:  Helped two people rob a bank at gunpoint. Wonder if I should just confess. Still need $1.50 in postage to send a package.

December 6 dream:  Finishing up long list. Woman who had interfered before says, “Be sure to include all men and God. The men should be contemplated in, let’s say, a woman’s body.” I say, “We’ve got plenty of those.”

December 5, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas, Eric and Nedim at Peet’s. When I came in, Douglas was the cashier. I said to him, “Are you taking orders now?” That amused Nedim. When I leave, Eric is quite aggressive in insisting that we get together soon and talk about the book I recommended to him (Colin Wilson’s book about Gurdjieff). Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole. Turn around to look at pushy people in line behind me. Beautiful long-haired blond guy is smiling at me. I change my attitude real quick. Work on book in p.m.

December 5 dream:  See another cute guy as I’m exiting the building.

December 5 dream:  Go down to Bogota, Columbia, to live at a movie Laurie saw. Get to real estate office at 540 street address. 541 was listed on the sidewalk. Office is also grocery store. They are moving in with cheap blond colored office furniture. I had met the office manager before. [When I look at my digital clock, it is 5:40.]

December 5 dream:  Guy in muscle T-shirt. Other guys ask him to flex. He does, but hesitantly. Apparently, somebody won something.

December 5 dream:  Clearing off Barry Bram’s (played by Ben Gazzara) long wooden bridge. We came to big gap.

December 5 dream:  Motor oil spills on my shiny blue coat as my friend tries to plan her trip.

December 4, 2021:  Did not attend World Work Translation Group in a.m. No blowback yet. (*See 2nd dream of December 3.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Daniel there. As I’m leaving, run into Walter L. We talk about 15 minutes. Then go to G.P. library. My librarian is Sun, the guy who recommended a DVD series to me (“Wonderfalls”). (*See diaries of November 2 and November 30.) Walk thru G.C.P to M.S. Nobody exciting there. Get pissed that they don’t have “Soy Dream” milk anymore. Start to Translate. Run into Tommy (*See diary of April 25, 2021) who says “hi” to me. Run into two girls who are all over each other as we wait for #48. One girl cheers and then I cheer when it finally arrives. Go to W.P. Take K to W.F. Follow cute guy with Afro. He’s about to walk away after looking at cut fruit. I say, “Is it fresh?” He replies, “Yes.” He has a beautiful face. Glad I talked to him. Pakistani guy with new bike on elevator home.

December 4 dream:  Short black guy breaks into my apartment. I kick him out. Then he breaks in again. I call 411. A recording says, “If you have experienced a crime, tell us so.”

December 4 dream:  Hard-on dream.

December 4 dream:  My lunch date doesn’t show up. Later I realize I’m Prince Michael. Kim also there.

December 4 dream:  On my way to work, see four hefty guys in black swim trunks swimming in the bay. I feel the water. It is warm. I swim myself. Then try to gather up my things (mostly wet) together for work.

December 3, 2021:  Back hurting a bit more today. (*Relates to my feelings about Douglas or my feelings about Heather?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Hear school girl say, “I don’t feel safe” at Aptos School. In W.P., I’m thinking to myself that whenever I’m forced to choose between having sex with someone or loving them, I’ve always chosen loving them. As I think this, big motorcycle cop waves and smiles and nods at me in agreement, as he turn right off West Portal onto Vicente. Douglas not at Peet’s. Eric and Eduardo are. I walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Really, nice, cute Asian-ish guy tells me why they don’t have any pumpkin pies at W.F.

December 3 dream:  Closing up from big fair or Prosperos reunion. Somebody had one last thing they wanted to read to us. Others had already left.

December 3 dream:  Fire in fireplace seems to be getting bigger and hotter. Guy tells me not to worry. Then instantly it is completely gone. (*Relates to me not attending World Work Translation Group on December 4?)

December 3 dream:  Walk thru desert area. See snake with kind of shell bracelets all over her body.

December 3 dream:  A stalled project is underway again. Guy washing down the street.

December 2, 2021:  Feel a lot better this a.m. 150 clicks on BB on December 1. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. in my new shoes. Douglas at Peet’s. He’s barely polite to me. Eduardo and Bruce there, too. Walk part way home. See same high school kid from November 30 on the M. Then take K. My new shoes are a little tight around the ankles. Cute little Asian girl pushing cart with her proud father at W.F. Work on book in p.m. Watching Murdoch Mysteries in p.m., inspector refers to gay men as “left-footers.”

December 2 dream:  Return three books to female librarian who is hot for me. She is seated as I return the books and she touches my toes with hers when I do. One of the books is by Colin Wilson. The other is a knock-off. (h.o.) (*Relates to jerking off on December 3?)

December 2 dream:  Cars driving on wrong side of the street. Guy says he heard there was an accident. Guys taking shards of glass out of their legs. (*Relates to me and Douglas?))

December 1, 2021:  Bills and monthly BB. Repost “The Prosperos Takes the Road Most Travelled” post as I had decided on November 27. Get new shoes in mail. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Eduardo and Eric at Peet’s W.P. Have nice chats with both. Walk back via Yerba Buena Avenue. Bend over to pick up envelope and my back goes out. (*I think this is a physical reaction to my reposting the “Mr. Fennie is a bully” post.) Insight: Near accident just before getting home from October 23 family reunion relates to sexual opportunity with Douglas on November 26?

December 1 dream:  We four kids – Love, Mike, Laurie and Tom — have to get up a bit early. We’re moving today.

December 1 dream:  Getting out of bathtub which has never gotten very dirty. Lots of people in passageway. Hear the roar of a crowd. Realize it’s the president. I say, “Trump!” Cute young guy smiles at me.

November 30, 2021:  Look at digital clock. It says 9:59 AM. Later I look at it and it says 9:52 AM. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Go to library. Clerk from November 2 there. (*I realized later that he probably related to the hawk in G.G. Park from hier.) Walk thru G.C.P. Then #48 to W.P. Eduardo, Douglas and Sergio at Peet’s. Douglas is very loving again. He brings me my drink and my banana bread. I wonder if I screwed up by not coming on to him when I had the opportunity a few days ago. (*Relates to first dream of November 29?) Take M to Balboa Park. H.S. kid on board. Then another beautiful young guy on #43. Then run into Peter at W.F. and check out with Cole. “May 1” mentioned on Jack Benny Show.

November 30 dream:  I seem to be close to co-signing a check for $20,000. Guy’s credit seems pretty shaky.

November 30 dream:  Go to lecture by 95-year-old man who was supposed to have done something bad in his past. The lecture was supposed to have been sold out, but as Marilyn D. and I walk in hand-in-hand, most of the seats are empty. An English relative of the man castigates the audience for not showing up.

November 29, 2021:  VA appointment at 10 a.m. Hot for Dr. Mah in his medical scrubs. He tells me I have an “intractable nucleic callus” on my left sole. He says this problem will not go away. I say, in my head, “That’s what you think.” Insight: Callus on my left sole relates to my intractable callousness re my mother’s death or maybe just my callousness in general? Walk to La Promenade Cafe. Then thru G.G. Park thru S.F. Botanical Garden. See big fish in pond with other guy. Then woman in wedding gown as I exit. I take photo. Then homeless guy who says, “That looks like a weapon.” I say, “What does?” He says, “What you have in your bag.” I show him and say, “It’s an umbrella.” Go to Cole Valley. Wait in line to get sandwich. Eduardo from Peet’s W.P. passes by, He says, “See you tomorrow.” Then 37 to Castro. Go to J’s bar for cranberry juice. Then K home. Good-looking guy in W.F.

November 29 dream:  Guy runs from his into somebody else’s place. Then they both hit a bear ’til it limps off. Then real owner of the property shows up. Guy runs from him, too, in slow motion sort of way.

November 29 dream:  Visit woman I call “Hon” at her home. She’s building fence in front of her house and I’m wondering if that will interfere my daily delivery to her. Her husband is hot.

November 28, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Wave to Jun in his salon. Go to C.B. Owners there. Beautiful man in black cycling outfit enters just as I leave. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Check out with Marcus, guy from Ohio with $1,500 worth of tattoos on his body. #43 home. Shits about 11 p.m.-ish.

November 27, 2021:  World Work Translation Group in a.m. Heather brings up my BB post of November 23 in which I called Mr. Fennie a bully. (*Relates to 2nd dream of November 26?) Later I decide to post it again on the monthly BB on December 1. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Lee has no Chrons. Go to G.P. library. Then C.B. Owners there. Author from Peet’s W.P. there. Leave early. Go to hardware store to buy alarm clock. They don’t have any. Then catch #35 which is just taking off for the Castro. Walk by J’s bar to Cliff’s. Buy alarm clock. Walk by J’s bar again to Muni underground. Take M to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Douglas there. He’s polite. When he gives me my drink, our fingers touch. On the way out, I say, “Goodnight, Douglas.” He says, “Goodnight, Mike.” Walk to W.F. Check out with Cole, who went to Folsom for Thanksgiving. Shits on getting home. Work on book in p.m.

November 26, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. relates to hawk and two crows from hier? In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. He rushes to finish my drink order before I’d finished ordering. Then he brought my warmed scone to my table. I was overwhelmed by how beautiful he looked and acted. It took me quite a while to recover. As I left, I opened myself to whatever mood he was in. He wasn’t looking at me so I think he was expecting me to come on to him. Walked home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Translate “Economic well-being is at war with environmental well-being.” Conclusion: “The economy of Truth functions seamlessly in the infinite dwelling place/environment of Consciousness.”

November 26 dream:  In building I’d been in before. Guy chasing woman in elevator. She gives him something in his mouth. He pulls out a strand of floss.

November 26 dream:  Legal secretaries revolt. I stand with them. At one point I am on top of a tall card catalog stand in the library and I don’t know how I’ll get down. Then I’m on the marble floor telling Perry Dickey the news. I say, “We decided, mostly women…” He says, “You’re good.” I say, “…to go with the original strike points and fight for them.” (*Relates to Heather’s comments on November 27?)

November 26 dream:  Working for the Russians under duress. I’ll only be there a few more days.

November 25, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Take K to the Castro. Ricardo & Ken’s for Thanksgiving from about 4 p.m. to 8. Hawk being chased by two crows immediately before. K home.

November 25 dream:  Out in the desert at a campus looking for a place to pee. Several tornadoes pass by. Was trying to get back to acting group or maybe yoga group of friends I had been invited to join.

November 25 dream:  European underwear made of yellow holey plastic on which you press on the pockets, as desired.

November 25 dream:  Thane is short, thin but with big shoulders. I help him go to program printer. We went to make sure some info is included about Tom C’s memorial.

November 24, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Translate “lesion” which leads to “injure” which leads to “not right” which leads to “not true” which leads to “not real.” My spirit improves. As I leave Peet’s, I say to Ramon, “Where’s Douglas?” He says, “I think she comes in on Friday afternoon.” Take K home. Go to W.P Very hot guy there I made way for. He starts chatting up some girl. Checkout with Min. Maureen M. calls in p.m.

November 24 dream:  Transferring 59 names from one place to another for children. Revision of something. h.o.)

November 24 dream:  Guy transferring his files from one place to another, for children’s version of something.

November 24 dream:  Carol Carter returns to wok on the day after payday.

November 24 dream:  Two cute shirtless guys working on my house come in thru my bedroom window. Jack Benny also there in a suit with cat hairs on it or they may have been part of the suit.

November 23, 2021:  Post “The Prosperos takes the road most travelled” on BB. Worked on BB, OSF and ZontaPhotos.com. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Beautiful man on Ocean Avenue smiles as I cruise him. Douglas at Peet’s. Beautiful man running on Yerba Buena Avenue who smiles at me even before I see him. Work on book in p.m.

November 23 dream:  Go to Mary L.’s house. She”s very happy to see me. Later, eating and relaxing and I’m told it’s time to move again. Mary wants me to bring her a device which will predict the future. (h.o.)

November 23 dream:  Trying to get rid of some computer files I had forgotten I had.

November 22, 2021:  Wake up at 7ish. Later take nap in’ til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Follow cute guy with pony tail into bookstore. Lady says, “Are you looking for anything?” I say, “Xmas cards.” I look at a few. Then follow guy for enough time for him to realize I didn’t come into the store for Xmas cards. I came in ’cause of him. Go to Peet’s. Walk home via Yerba Buena Avenue. Check out with Min at W.F. Work on book in p.m.

November 22 dream: Driving back from place we all met at, I get lost. Run into handsome, dark-haired man who I had met before. I tell him I’m lost. He says he’ll help me get back. I promise to share some chocolate with him. I think, “Boy, I wish I was as handsome as him.” Then I think, “Never mind. He’s my friend. And that’s enough.”

November 22 dream:  Buy a bunch of new clothes for my new apartment I am sharing with roommate I haven’t met yet.

November 22 dream:  Make out with flat-chested woman owner of motel. Then some people come by.

November 21, 2021:  Get up early – around 9 a.m. Can’t get back to sleep. So I join Trustee’s meeting online. Bill Fennie goes on a “shit”-filled tirade. Later he is elected Acting Dean. I post this news on the BB followed by the comment: “We’re f***ed.” Michael Kelly asks me to explain myself. I resist, but finally add: “I think Mr. Fennie is a bully and that’s not going to attract new students or new ideas to The Prosperos.”

November 21 dream:  Start dancing with my male cousin. Thane says, “Who are you?”

November 21 dream:  Washing up another relative, a woman.

November 21 dream:  Move temporarily to apartment on Sutter. They are cleaning it out of all cockroaches. We need to take everything out. They are talking to my older female roommate who is still in bed. J. tells me he lived there temporarily one time, too. I wonder when he and I will move in together.

November 21 nap dream:  I touch Thane’s hand and say, “I’m not trying to butter you up or anything, but that’s why your teachings are so good. There’s very understandable.”

November 20, 2021:  In ’til 2:30. Haircut at 3 p.m. Jun his usual funny/aggressive self. Walk to G.P. Lee just got a haircut just like me. Then G.P. library. Then C.B. Daniel there. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Meet Packer’s fan. In p.m., during a moment of intensely trying to remember something, my bedspread kind of just pops up.

November 20 dream:  At party with relatives. Look for place to pee. The two options were being used. One was filled with laundry.

November 20 dream:  Two drunk guys wanted me to take over for them while they slept off their drunk.

November 20 dream:  Trying to set up video screen in motel. I’m with two travelers.

November 20 dream:  Cathy Buckles says, “When you get to India…”

November 19, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Very quiet. See Douglas after I’d been there a while. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out near “Sir Allen” but not with him. #43 home. Work on book.

November 19 dream:  The person with whom I’ve spent almost half of my life…

November 19 dream:  At gay sex class. Calvin is there and others. Guy says to me that If I bring in cute new guy that I can get in, too. I think I agree.

November 19 dream:  Get a ride from L.A. in a luxury car called a Drake. The driver looks a lot like Stella Rush.

November 18, 2021:  Dental appointment at 2 p.m. Walk home via Castro. Then up Market to Portola. #48 to W.P. Douglas, Eduardo, Bruce and gay guy at Peet’s. K to W.F. Check out with Killian.

November 18 dream:  Mary from Ingleside library visits me while i’m in cafeteria. (Lucid dream.)

November 18 dream:  Get in argument with my boss at party. He thinks it’s ok to disrespect people’s wishes. I disagree.

November 18 dream:  Go thru several male partner interviews. They are all taken away.

November 18 dream:  Go to work at new job in Berkeley. Mostly black women there. Go to lunch with two people. Nobody speaks to me.

November 17, 2021:  Wake up an hour late for my 9 a.m. VA phone appointment. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Peet’s W.P. Then down W.P. to eye doctor to pick up my new glasses. Stop by C.S. reading room. Say hi to Oladipupo (Ladi). Then walk home. Killian at W.F. Work on book in p.m.

November 17 dream:  Brakes don’t work too well on my replacement car.

November 16, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Cute Pakistani clerk at 7-11 wearing “I don’t skate” T-shirt. Then Nedim, Douglas and Mimi at Peet’s W.P. Douglas brings me my banana bread and my drink. Cute young guy at Ezzy-Freezy whom I admired. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. Go to W.F. Check out with Cole who has thick chain around his neck. Eat chocolate chip cookie in p.m. Get pelvic pain. Tell myself, “You have a right to be happy. You don’t have to get your father’s permission to be happy.” Just like I thought I needed his permission to visit Paris. Not to mention all the sexual opportunities which I declined ’cause I didn’t think I had my father’s permission. Not to mention my happiness after my first kiss with Kathy Warfield back in 1965 or so. Watch five videos about trauma and dissociation. Later watch episode of “The Ghost Whisperer” in which character says, “Everybody’s happy in Florida.” Which, I think, relates to the final two football games in Washington D.C. and Miami, Florida from my Rosa Parks dream. My father being the powerful but probably corrupt Washington, D.C. football game and me being happy and separate from him in my Miami, Florida football game.

November 16 dream:  Visit girl I really like. There’s two or three of us, including me, trying to scrape together enough green food for a meal. I think, “I’d just like to make out with her.”

November 16 dream:  Starting two new classes. Really like them both. Need to get my time-card signed. Rush thru beautiful campus.

November 15, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Listen to wonderful Peter Coyote video. Mimi quite nice to me. Up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen” (He found his name tag.) #48 to K home. Cute short guy gets on and sits near me. There’s something about him that makes me decide to stay on K ’til he gets off. Finally as he gets off, other guy walks in front of him, who I check out instead of him. He jumps the turnstiles at Balboa Station. Walk to W.F. with three bags of groceries. Check out with Min. Isaiah was there as well but left by the time I got to checkout. Meet sweet Chinese guy with Chinese food on elevator to 3rd floor. I say, “Goodnight.” Later, as he enters his apartment, he says “Goodnight” to me.

November 15 dream:  Finish hide and seek game. Save X’mas tree for next time. (h.o.)

November 15 dream:  Go to reunion of sorts. Couple of black guys looking thru photos of them. Guy asking me if I’m going to be around.

November 15 dream:  Guy we all like smuggles himself onboard. Sits in center of back seat of bus. At the end of the journey he gives hisself up. But everyone likes him so much that he is forgiven. I’m a little jealous of him. Maureen M. also there. Other guy asks her to stay on.

November 14, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ilsh. Walk to W.P. Building on stilts on San Benito is not going to be lowered. They’re adding a new first floor. John lookalike at outdoor parklet in front of W.P. bar, on his cellphone. I tried to stare him down but he only smiled internally and never looked directly at me. Perhaps he was a tulpa. Go to Peet’s. Douglas and Eric there. Walk home via same outdoor parklet. Nobody there. Stop in W.F. to see if Isaiah is there. He isn’t, but Min is. Work on book and clean bathroom in p.m.

November 14 dream:  Photography teacher asks us to submit photos that have a theme or a story. (h.o.)

November 14 dream:  Order banana bread and radish drink, my usual.

November 14 dream:  Two young radical guys getting ready to leave our office. They would become famous in years to come.

November 14 dream:  “44”

November 14 dream:  Blond guy I knew and liked threatened us with a gun. He wanted $20 or $40. He went in to Greenwich Village building. And another guy with a gun was watching our car. Plainclothes policeman came by and wrestled him to the ground. Then went into building to search for blond guy. We told him he’s going to be performing tonight on the 16th floor.

November 13, 2021:  Tough nite last nite. Spent most of it on cot in my bathroom World Work Translation group at 9:45 a.m. Three of us attended. Then Self Observation group at 11 a.m. Five of us. Nap at 2:30. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas and Eric at Peet’s. Also guy with CSU T-shirt. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Hot guy with his girlfriend who be clung to after I smiled at him. Check out with Isaiah at W.F. Liked his plaid red shirt but didn’t comment on it for fear he would think I was coming on to him. Later see Min at another checkout station. Insight: “3 weeks” from April 6 relates to my request for public records on my father? Also: Oberhaus vs. Ludo.

November 13 dream:  Match the places I’ve worked with the places I’ve lived over the past few years to see if one had any effect on the other. (h.o.)

November 12,  2021:  Wake up with painful charley horse in my left leg. (*See last dream of November 11.) Take nap around 2 p.m. Leave about 4 p.m. Have shits just before leaving. Walk to W.P. Run into Shrey on Ocean. Go to Peet’s. Guy takes seat I was hoping to take. I look at him. He stares back as if in a sparing match. Later a woman joins him. I go to restroom. Then decide to change seats or leave. I go to front tables. Can’t find my pen. Go back to my original table. Then back to the front. Find pen on the floor. I bend over to pick up pen and simultaneously let guy know what I think of him. Walk up Ulloa. Think maybe exchange at Peet’s relates to my relationship with my father. And possibly the final football game in my Rosa Parks dream. Washington, D.C. representing the role of manly success as represented by this man at Peet’s (and by my father) and Miami representing play and fun and freedom from the manly success model as represented by this man (and my father). As I’m thinking this, guy on Ulloa smiles at me. #43 home.

November 12 dream:  Making big pot of stew. Ask someone to watch it for a while.

November 11, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 2:15 p.m. Walk out of apartment building. Guy with two big dogs says, “I like your pants.” (I was wearing my read Adidas pants.) He said it again. I said, “I like your dogs.” Go to eye appointment. Then Peet’s. Douglas there, but I barely notice him. Bruce there also. Stopped by to see Ladi at C.S. Reading Rom. His father is a C.S. Practitioner in Nigeria. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Meet beautiful homeless man named Christian. He and his wife and two dogs are on their way to Tucson. His name is Christian. I give him $10. #43 to W.F. Beautiful man passing. Checkout with Aisha. Insight: Realize Dallas is the first game from my Rosa Parks dream. Relates to my mother, who, like Kennedy was my “president” who got shot. My reaction was, to my mind at the time, both inhumane and inhuman, So I thought it was up to my father to make me feel humane and human. But that didn’t work out either. He took advantage of my vulnerability and ultimately admitted it. (*See 2nd dream of November 9.)

November 11 dream:  Play game with my new boyfriend where we end up hugging and feeling on each other. Have to rush to work. (h.o.)

November 11 dream:  Just got notice of apartment down the street in S.F. Friend thinks I may be being fooled by military.

November 11 dream:  Living in place and working at place with cockroaches and other insects. Look forward to moving.

November 11 dream:  Landslide in back of Saratoga house. House is lowered several feet. No one injured that I know of. Nancy and I and someone else go to backyard “beach house.” Black guy holds Nancy up so she can reach something. He apologizes for having to touch her. I fantasize about living there again, but don’t like the idea. Once was enough.

November 11 dream: Go to work. Calvin and others try to ignore me. I push back. Wake up with huge left leg cramp.

November 10, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.P. library. Realize my 2nd dream of last nite relates to my decision to research public records of my father. My father was pissed off about that and almost kicked me out of my bed. But by telling me that it’s too late, he also inadvertently admitted that, though it’s too late (he died 25 years ago), there was something that happened that I’m too late to do anything about. Later fantasized about tearing John’s clothes off and fucking him. At C.B. get anonymous call from somebody who doesn’t say anything. I assume it’s John. I, too, say nothing for a while. Then I say, “I guess this is what they call phone sex.” Go to G.C.P. Run into Janet, the Coyote Lady. She says she saw a coyote earlier. Then run into Sean, my motorcycle friend on Amethyst Way. (*See diary of September 11.) He made a point of telling me he’s interested in hot women. We talked a bit about motorcycles, S.F., Japan. #48 to W.P. Pass Ladi still at C.S. Reading Room after 6 p.m. (*See diary of September 17.) K home. Stop by W.F. Bakery guy says hi to me. I didn’t know who he was at first. Check out with Killian. Very nice guy whose former boss moved to Santa Cruz.

November 10 dream:  Prepare fried eggs for Laurie? They slip off plate so have to start again.

November 10 dream:  Librarian’s wife was spied on in library. And they took things from her. Guy wanted to teach us how to crop poems.

November 10 dream:  Friend of mine starting his own online news program. He’ll supply his own news. Calvin stands in front of other guy starting his own business with the guy’s body half-painted in yellow paint.

November 10 dream:  Drive over to Oakland. Think of moving there. Black guy on street gives me seductive smile.

November 9, 2021:  Work on book. Reach end. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. Have two matcha lattes and two pieces of banana bread. San Benito house still on stilts. #43 home. Sit next to karate kid with glasses. (*See diary of October 26.) His mother gave up her seat for me. Go to W.F. Check out with Min. Happy, cute black and white young gay couple come bouncing in. Insight: Realize foot pain may be related to my own foundational change like the house on stilts is undergoing an analogous foundational change. Decide in p.m. to research my father’s public records to see if I can find anything incriminating.

November 9 dream:  Expand the trail of the ghost circling us so he could have a bigger circle.

November 9 dream:  Didn’t leave apartment soon enough. Somebody is kicking me out. My father? (*Relates to me looking in public records for info about my father.)

November 9 dream:  AOC wanting me to clean my room.

November 9 dream:  Heather wanting me to help start her long-haul semi. Her dachshunds are with her.

November 8, 2021:  Worked on book. Ricardo and Ken invite me to Thanksgiving. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Cute h.s. runners on Ocean, especially one who smiles at me. Very cute, apparently available youngish man on W.P. Go to Peet’s. Then walk and #23 up Monterey to Safeway. Then #43 home. Still thinking about youngish man on W.P. Blvd. Finally Thane, Liz Anderson, Billye Talmadge and others, including my mother, tell me what I should have done and how I should feel. I tell them all, including my mother, to shut up. “Don’t tell me how I should behave or how I should feel. Let me figure that out for myself.” (*Relates to second simultaneous football game in Washington, D.C. and Miami, Fl. Washington standing for authority and Miami standing for fun, I think. I think dealing with my father was the first game in Dallas from my Rosa Parks dream.)

November 8 dream:  Someone was going to buy a new bedspread for me. Someone else threatened my new room with ants.

November 8 dream:  Flying plane out of S.F. Get to South S.F. Then we’re on ground and outside. Guy with gun threatens me. I grab it away. And shoot it in the air to make sure it’s empty. Then he cries and asks for help. Later he’s dressed very nicely and acts like he’s a member of our household. Another member is being chased by somebody. I look into it. They rough him up. I hide but I can see them. They’re a couple of guys and an older woman.

November 8 dream:  Guys showing off their new outfits which were wrap around capes from the shoulders to the waist and pantaloons from the upper leg to the ankles, leaving the genitals and asses bare.

November 8 dream:  Getting off work. One of our peers is named Acting President. Guy talks about his home-made shirt. I thought of telling him about the capes from my last dream.

November 7, 2021:  Work on book and ZontaPhotos site. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Woman talks about seeing coyote. House on stilts is still on stilts, still getting a new foundation. Douglas at Peet’s. Also meet Eric, new baristo. We talk quite a it. He’s 21. Studying to be a nurse. Seemed interested in book I was reading: Cured. We shake hands on meeting. Walk up W.P. Boulevard. See K just outside W.P. station. Remember guy from hier asking, “Does this go to the Castro?” Decided that it was a message for me to to go the Castro. As I entered W.P. station, there was a “Special Car” waiting. As soon as I entered car, the door closed. Went to Castro. Went to 440 Club, J’s club. Bought cranberry juice. Was going to take a leak, but big fat black guy was kind of hogging the room. As I left, felt hopping happy. Take M home. Think maybe the fat guy was hiding John. That made me very sad. Then furious. (*Relates to feeling furious in my 1st dream of last night, I think. Also, to hawk and crows from hier?) Walk home from W.P.

November 7 dream:  Signing out at work. (h.o.)

November 7 dream:  Girl with blond hair told everybody she had green hair. She’s trying to figure out how she got here. I suggest Michael J. Fox. She says, “Too late.” We just met.

November 7 dream:  Arrive at home at 10:17. Just two months right before I’m supposed to perform.

November 7 dream:  Reunion with Jeff and Billy. Benson & Hedges cigarette is making people high. Jeff and Billy are mad at each other. We are all at Chinese resto in S.F.

November 6, 2021:  Self Observation group at 11 a.m. Five of us attended. I shared by “blind spot” that I think I’m better than everybody. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Nothing for me. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Go to Glen Park library. Nothing for me there either. Decide to change my default library to Glen Park online when I get home. Hawk and crows again on exiting G.C.P.  #48 to W.P. Rush to catch K. Woman has wagon full of kids in the middle of the sidewalk. Beautiful blond boy smiles at me with his eyes as I stare at him in anger. Get K home. Guy asks driver, “Does this go to the Castro?” Go to W.F. Talk briefly with good-looking young Japanese guy waiting for his girlfriend in the women’s room. He looks at me as if he’s hiding something. In p.m. give up on trying to “heal” my pain. So I say, “Okay, God, you handle this.” Then smelled a strong smell of shit (which may relate to rapper I accidentally encountered on my cellphone as I was turning it off for the night.)

November 6 dream:  Typing document. Someone takes it when I’m not looking. I’m furious. It starts out 51-1, 51-2, 51-3. HughJohn is not helping. I go to someone else.

November 6 dream:  Bathroom that was mess is almost clean. I go to find some people. Run into black guy who works with me. (h.o.) (*I think this relates to me working on my book.)

November 5, 2021:  Work on book. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Sergio at Peet’s. (*See diary of October 14.) Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with Quincy, a black guy. Was going to ask him if he’s named after Quincy Jones. But my debit card wouldn’t work. Thought it was a sign that I shouldn’t. Then got mad at God, “You can tell me how to treat Quincy but you can’t help me with my body pains.” Later came up with this sense testimony: I am helpless against my own negative imagination. It’s like I have a psychological autoimmune disease which may be related to some of my physical autoimmune diseases like my body pains, etc. #43 home. I sit across from cute young brown guy on very crowded bus. He brushes his hand through his hair. I kind of show off for him as I exit the bus.

November 5 dream:  Getting off work at a place I’d been working in many dreams.

November 5 dream:  Baby is being christened. I show somebody how it happens. The baby is wrapped in cloth. When it is ready it starts to push the cloth away. The mother helps it and the baby emerges. The mother sees me do this. And so does the baby, whose eyes expand and contract.

November 5 dream:  Give $1 to young boy’s Chuck-E-Cheese campaign.

November 4, 2021:  Watch video about gay guy involved with Sesame Street and the ’70s N.Y. gay scene. Made me sad. Get anonymous call, I think, from John. Work on book. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Woman there thinks I’m hot. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. W.F. Hear “May 1st” on Sanford & Sons.

November 4 dream:  Election taking place. Captain Berthaud-type (from Spiral TV show). Surprise announcement.

November 4 dream:  Ben G. is crawling behind me as we crawl over lots of cute puppies and their meals in shopping mall. We’re headed for the West Coast. Jon Stewart is speaking. $8,000 to go to the East Coast.

November 3, 2021:  Get up early without intending to. Work on book. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Read from Cured. Hot, tall, Asian guy comes in. I want to connect with him. So I go to bathroom, just to get up. He looks like he is about to leave. I stay ’til he does. And I watch him walk out. Get call from John, I think. (*Relates to hawk and crows from hier?) Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Stop at McD’s. Hispanic counter lady asks me, “How are you doing?” It shocks me. I say, “Fine.” See image of person in elevator on going home.

November 2, 2021:  Work on online diary, being 4 days behind. Forgot that I put my phone on speaker and put it up to me ear. (*Relates to almost crashing on October 23, returning my rental car?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Go to C.B. Then Glen Park library. Check out coming of age/coming out video. Clerk then recommends another video to me. I think we made a love connection. I think I’ll change libraries from Excelsior to Glen Park. Walk thru G.C.P. On exiting, see hawk, then dozens and dozens and dozens of crows flocking around. Go to CVS. #43 home. One guy laying on the sidewalk on his back. Bus driver indicates to me that he is sleeping. Other guy getting up from sidewalk being helped by passer-by.

November 2 dream:  Trying to help retrieve blind man’s book stand which is under a sidewalk cellar hatchway door.

November 2 dream:  Woman brings reptiles and lays them out on the ground. There are so many that there’s no room to walk or sit.

November 1, 2021:  Do bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. House I saw yesterday on stilts is now back on its new foundation. Go to Peet’s. Patron takes somebody’s personal papers which had been left behind on seat next to him. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with Ryan. He’s wearing black jacket with American flags on the sleeves. I tell him he looks like a policeman. He says, “Yeah, somebody else told me that earlier.” Get him to smile. “Sir Allen” nearby witnessing us. In p.m., I RHS God for my physical pains. Later think it might be John that is causing them. Get excited about that idea. Have trouble getting to sleep that night.

November 1 dream:  Ride thru town with others. Forgot my mask and my wallet. Barbara Baroe-like woman and Calvin there. Barbara wants me to stay outside all night with her. Go to line up somewhere. Use scarf as mask.

October 31, 2021:  Sarah calls. Work on book. Call John at number I discovered online. Leave message. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. See house on stilts. Man says they are creating a new foundation. Realize my “blind spot” (from Red Hawk’s Self Observation book) is that I think I’m better than everybody else. Lots of kids out “trick or treating” the stores at W.P. Douglas at W.P. Leave early. Take K to Castro. Not much going on yet but lots of police ready for action. Talk to bookstore owner. Take K home. Go to W.F. Talk to bakery guy. Check out with Min.

October 31 dream:  Having a Translation workshop without a leader. Lots of new students.

October 31 dream:  Drive fast up 45 degree bridge. Car flies off the road. Arrive at meeting. We are now a COF! Whatever that is.

October 31 dream:  Pass by Thane in the hallway. He’s wearing a blue sport coat. I think, “He looks just like a regular person.”

October 30, 2021:  Tough nite last nite. Slept part of it on cot in bathroom. World Work Translation Group at 9:45 a.m. Self Observation group at 11 a.m. Nap. In ’til 4:30 p.m. Walk to W.P. Ramon, Douglass and Eduardo at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa. #43 never shows up. Walk home. W.F. Get feeling to wait. I think maybe I’m waiting for young woman approaching me. Turns out I’m waiting for little girl who looks at me intently.

October 30 dream:  Something about lots of “do’s.”

October 30 dream:  A cute guy in line in prison in front of me asks me for a light. I say I don’t smoke. He says a lot of guys carry lights anyhow. For him I will.

October 30 dream:  Roseanne Barr has trouble with her pregnancy. When she calls, a man answer the phone. So she sets the building on fire. I say, “Well, I can understand that.” I go into work late at newspaper. It seems okay, though. Run in to Bernie Sanders in the hallway.

October 30 dream:  Something about John F.

October 29, 2021:  Worked on book. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Cute little Japanese boy looks at me. Insight 1: Realize I have an inappropriate emotion of fear from my noisy neighbors above me. The underlying emotion is anger. Insight 2: Realize my dream of years ago of Thane holding up his arms to tell me to stop may have related to my internet going out on October 24 so I could not attend The Prosperos trustee’s meeting.

October 29 dream:  Hear people outside my apartment. Someone says there’s going to be a fly-over for the people killed. Other woman there to fix my mechanical spider.

October 29 dream:  Guy we’re meeting with at a café wants to meet at another café in Paris.

October 29 dream:  Biden tells me my father appointed him to do something during the war. Later, guy says to me, “Now that you’re the androgynous son of the president, why don’t you go to café?” I say, “I’ve never thought of myself as the son of a president.”

October 29 dream:  Have to make sudden escape from the building. Someone has just come to text. Alarm is ringing.

October 28, 2021:  Work on book in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Cute guy comes in. Looks sort of like Tony from hier so I go up to check him out. Other guy starts talking to him. I sit down. It’s not Tony. Walk up Portola to burrito place. Anglo couple speaking Spanish cut in front of me. Makes me mad. Take #43 home. Get off bus to look at cyclist passing by. On next #43 run into Peter. We walk to W.F. together. Decide I’m not going to apply for 1-bedroom apartment in Sonoma. I want to stay in S.F. a while longer.

October 27, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Beautiful day. Walk to W.P. See Tony as I leave Peet’s. (*See diary of August 26.) He said he just got a new puppy named Banjo and he was waiting to meet his parents. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with Ryan. (*See diary of October 20.) Insight: Me fantasizing about what I would have said at the family reunion on October 23: “Our family was not like yours. Ours was a lie. Harriet was not a good mother. Obe was not a good father. They were more concerned about seeming like a happy family than being a happy family.” Then I talked to my father: “No, I don’t want to hit you. To hit you I’d have to love you and I don’t love you that much.” So I’m more like my parents than I thought.

October 27 dream:  Insistent hard-on dream.

October 27 dream:  Trying to take shower without light or towel or shampoo. I had been at this place before. Other men waiting in line.

October 26, 2021:  After 3 days, internet back up at about 11:45 a.m. Lots of catching up to do on my emails and my websites. In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to Excelsior. See “The game is over” on sidewalk. Then guy on Mission invites me to pet his nice python wrapped around his arms and torso. I do. Then library. Then G.P. Have about 20 minutes at C.B. before they close. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 home. Smile at cute little karate kid with glasses. Meet Killian at W.F.

October 26 dream:  Young frisky guy with nice body in suit without jacket climbs all over me. (h.o.)

October 26 dream:  Dream book The Spirituality of Joy and Transcendence at spiritual camp.

October 26 dream:  Marilyn Deurell tells me someone just asked her out on a date. I say, “Yeah, I need to ask someone out on a date as well.”

October 25, 2021:  Internet still down. Worked on book in a.m. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then up Monterey to Safeway. Meet Nicholas, new checkout guy, on way out. Walk home. Work more on book. Get to page 119 (out of 322). Hear “May 1st” on DVD. Beautiful day today.

October 25 dream:  Giant swimming pool with clear water and lanes, a little used. Big guy complaining that his wife (Cathy Tackaberry) came up and told him not to stand with his legs so spread apart.

October 25 dream:  Volunteer to help deal with the homeless, provide them food, etc.

October 25 dream:  Attend conference mid-Peninsula with Bob Meslinsky and others. They had to pay $250. I paid $40. Couldn’t find a way back home, though.

October 24, 2021:  Tough nite sleeping. Get up early. Turned on internet. It worked. Then it didn’t. For the rest of the day. Walk to W.P. It’s too rainy and windy to walk. Take K to W.P. station. Go to Peet’s. Douglas there. Try to take K home. Get caught in wind and rain again. Take K to W.P. station so I can wait without the wind and rain. Get home. Internet still down. Read more Feet of Clay. Got email saying internet may be down ’til Tuesday.

October 24 dream:  Someone starts the stadium on fire in front of everyone in order to clear it.

October 24 dream:  Working as an aide for the … Director says sometimes we’ll be asked to sit in the front but that’s high ranking defense aides. Like last week. It would be pretty odd to have a comedian (referring to me) in that position. Director says, “Sorry I’m late. I just got back from a date.” Really cute blond young guy sitting in front.

October 24 dream:  Helping Marcie Nelson move out of her senior gay apartment. I’m going to apply for it along with the two others I’ve applied for. (*Relates to getting letter from MedPen Housing on October 27?)

October 23, 2021:  Just as I’m about to leave for Santa Cruz, my internet goes down and I can’t get it back up. Pick up car at 11 a.m. Drive to Santa Cruz. Stop by downtown briefly. Cute guy smiles at me at co-op food store. Lots of people out. Drive out to Soquel. I’m a little late. Saw Nancy, Laurie, Homer, Leigh, Jeff, Billie, Paul. Robin and many whose names I don’t remember. But was a good time. Nice connection with Max’s sister, Billie’s daughter. Drive home. Get lost in the dark and rain in Santa Cruz. Almost had accident at Bush and Mason just before I returned the car. Walked by J’s place on Geary. His plants are gone. That probably means he’s gone, too. Take #49 home. Get off in rain in search of burrito. Can’t find one. Get back on #49 without having to wait a minute. When I get home, my internet is back up (briefly).

October 23 dream:  Woman very seriously tells me fellow told her that he met another fellow with my husband.

October 22, 2021:  1 p.m. appointment at 1 Haight Street. Looked at studio apartment. Nice view but only 346 square feet and no closets!!! They showed me a 2-bedroom on the 2nd floor which had two bathrooms and no microwave oven. Walked back via Castro. Passed J’s bar. Took K to W.P. Walked home from there. Then W.F. See Min after I check out so I go back and stand in line to buy one item from him. Later cute guy in T-shirt at W.F workers’ rest area. Did empty chair with my mother in p.m. She told me I was taking credit for something I didn’t do – her death. “You can’t even express your anger at me openly,” she said.

October 22 dream:  Thane arrives home. Asks for Tommy. Thane says he has to call out the rube(?) who advocated for murder.

October 22 dream:  On cliff with two other guys. I didn’t know how I was going to get down but I had done so before.

October 21, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Road rage incident on San Benito Way. Douglas at Peet’s W.P. Also meet 65-year-old Bruce who talks about inspiring the youth of today. On leaving I speak briefly with Douglas while his female co-worker tries to interrupt. Walk up Ulloa to Creighton’s bakery. Then #43 home. Then W.F. Then home. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: “The only democracy is the power of Truth personified, Truth informed, sinless, guiltless, regret-less.”

October 21 dream:  Guy wanting me to take his side of the conflict between him and slightly autistic guy.

October 21 dream:  Wanting real estate lady to make an effort to get me on board. (*Relates to looking at apartment at 1 Haight Street on October 22, I think.)

October 20, 2021:  In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. See “GIANT” on the way there. After, walk up Ulloa. Go to M.S. Get lost between two checkout lines. Make face of confusion. Young Asian checker I had seen before rushed to open his checkout stand for me. Made me happy. (*Relates to hawk from October 18?) #43 home. See Isaiah at W.F. Ask him if he’s going trick or treating. He says he used to trick or treat in W.P. I say, “That’s a nice neighborhood for treats.” He agrees.

October 20 dream:  Linda from TRI is our supervisor. She’s going on trip to New York. I can’t get the light switch to work. Then see that there are two light switches. The light eventually comes on.

October 19, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. He says, “You changed your drink from coffee frappé with light whip.” I say, “Yeah, it was too sugary.” I pause, then say, “But the matcha is good. It’s not so healthy that you can’t stand it.” (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Walk up Ulloa to #43 home.

October 19 dream:  Many people in the room. I’m looking thru magazines to pick photos I want to jerk off to. Get one of Jan Michael Vincent. Also an audio of his voice giving a talk.

October 19 dream:  Try to buy house at Mission and Cortland for $51,000. It has three stores, three flats. Can’t get neighbors to shut up. I try kissing him.

October 19 dream:  The table is set for our last celebratory meal. Someone said we don’t need a … and my plate and Tom O’s and a few others were taken away.

October 18, 2021:  Go to VA for 1 p.m. appointment with podiatrist. Hot guy in red pants on my way in. I was waiting for him to walk towards me. He didn’t. Relates to Dr. Matthew Ma, my podiatrist, also beautiful, also did not walk towards me. After, hawk circles me at VA. Walk to 9th & Irving. Take N to Peet’s Cole Valley. Read more from Feed of Clay. Buy Vietnamese sandwich from cute guy with Afro on Cole Street. Then #43 home. It’s really crowded. There’s a really beautiful young Asian man. I lock to get a seat in the back so I can get a good view of him. But I took the vacant seat right next to him. When he looked at me, I looked away with mock innocence like I was totally not interested in him. He got off a few stops later.

October 18 dream:  Fireman/lawyer helps me put my radio back together. Says we may find out things about ourselves.

October 18 dream:  We’re talking about how if you take the football program out of the university program, the university would become a spiritual retreat at OSU. Suddenly Cenk Ugur fires a gun seven times in the direction of the football stadium. An off-duty policeman comes around very casually talking about where the bullets came from.

October 17, 2021:  Attended Sunday Meeting with Hugh John in a.m. About 10 in attendance. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Also cute guy who sat next to me. I didn’t know how to approach him since he seemed doubled over texting and looking at his cellphone. So I took my own earplugs out. It was the least I could do. He left shortly after. I’m reading great book called Feet of Clay. It’s very critical of Gurdjieff, Jung, Freud and others. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Jun at work in his salon. Walk home. Later go to W.F. to get something I forgot to buy at Safeway. I check out with Min. My bill came to $10 even. I said, “Do I get a special prize?” Min said, “No.” Watch YT on PK (psychokinesis). Guest says, “Thoughts can kill.” Realized my thoughts about my mother may have killed her. Not that I intentionally set out to kill her, but I was so mad at her that I was willing to take credit for her death, saying, in effect, “See, that’s what happens when you mess with me!” Also, think that’s why I had to choose an equally pitiless guy like John to partner me in our journey of mutual self-uncovery.

October 17 dream:  Having changed my body have given me detailed instructions on what to say and how to say it. They have been very kind to me. (h.o.)

October 17 dream:  Five attributes of a chela: 1) Plan 2) Pay 3) Aim

October 17 dream:  I am in my very nice apartment. Young super comes to my door. I wanted to ask him to do something but he was gone. Tried to turn on the light. Couldn’t, though the stereo was on. Looked out my window at many, many windows of people happy, celebrating, well-dressed. Some wave at me. I wave back. It felt like the room was spinning.

October 16, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee at liquor store. Then Daniel at C.B. Also very hot guy who I sat behind. And whom I admired when he left. Walk thru G.C.P. Then #43 home.

October 16 dream:  In the Navy, a couple of guys charged me with sexual harassment to get even with me for charging them.

October 15, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. My phone breaks. Later I reboot it and it seems okay now. Think about attending presentation tomorrow about the Balboa Reservoir housing project nearby. Have wonderful feeling of “being myself.” Walk to W.P. Pass Ladi at C.S. Reading Room. Go to Peet’s. Eduardo there. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. Stop by W.F. Check out with pretty girl who seems to flirt with me. Our fingers touch as she gives me my receipt. Watched Coach Carter in p.m. Somebody in the movie holds up sign saying “RHS,” standing for Richmond High School, but also “Releasing the Hidden Splendour”.

October 15 dream:  Move to the South. See beautiful man outside my window helping someone move. Decide to move closer to the window. See his four co-workers. Realize it’s a dream and wake up.

October 15 dream:  Mitch’s cattle hear a coming stampede and get spooked.

October 15 dream:  Finish up some legal interrogatories. Now I have to mail it. I ask what I should put on the address. Woman supervisor says, “Just say ‘Response to Interrogatories’.” I walk across shallow water in N.Y harbor looking for mailbox. Pretty girl is doing a photo shoot in front of the mailbox. Then she’s not. She smiles at me sarcastically. It looks like she has some missing teeth. I tell her so. Realize I’ve forgotten to label the envelope so I have to go back across the water. It’s deeper where I am than it was before.

October 14, 2021:  Wake up at 4:30ish in the a.m. Can’t get back to sleep. Then hear call (with my phone turned off) around 7:30 or so. I’m too late to answer, but I call back one minute later. Nobody there so I leave message. Insight 1: My feeling of loss of my therapist and of my father also relates to God. Insight 2: We are so susceptible to monarchies ’cause we want to worship ourselves but just don’t have the guts. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Woman sitting outside Java Hut café on Ocean gives me the eye. (I’m wearing my red pants, after all.) Walk to W.P. Meet Sergio at Peet’s. He gets very excited meeting me. (*Relates to shits from two days ago at about the same time?) Douglas also there. FroYo place afterwards. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home.

October 14 dream:  Playing cards in familiar underground setting. Al H. playing without an Admiral card.

October 14 dream:  Getting arrested for having sex before I’m 21. I’m taking towels to washing machine while I await other person’s arrest. The crowd feels a little triumphant.

October 14 dream:  Get in argument with big fat black lady whose dress is falling off. I win. Cindy Granieri comes up to our table. We’re at some kind of political demonstration.

October 13, 2021:  Get call for John. I say, “If you want to speak to John, let me get him. He’s in the bathroom.” In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Douglas (or Damon) at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Allen there. Spill bottle of vinegar and it brakes. Check out with Ed. #43 home. Go to W.F. for bananas. Talk with tall, long-haired vegetable guy i’d talked to before.

October 13 dream:  American is trapped. Britain wants to incriminate him. We want to hear him out.

October 13 dream:  At party they want us out for the next group of student graduates.

October 12, 2021:  Get up late. In ’til 4:30ish. Shits on leaving home. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. As I’m leaving, young guy coming out of the restroom looks intently at my T-shirt. Later I realized he was interested in me, not my T-shirt. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home.

October 12 dream:  Talking about his fellow worker, he says, “He’s good-looking but he’s a terrible cook.”

October 12 dream:  People flying in the sky with wings. Some don’t believe it. Some think it’s just a show. It is a show and final couple (a junior stalking his senior?) lands on the street to much applause. The art department of the local newspaper goes for a drink. Christian Science reading room nearby.

October 12 dream:  Have lunch with Jennifer Anniston.

October 11, 2021:  Get call around 6:30 a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Read more about “narcissistic rage.” Could my narcissistic rage be connected to my feelings of grandiosity? Friendly English guy there. After, little boy smiles insistently at me with his eyes as I walk around him in store. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. Stop at W.F. Check out girl really slow. I get mad, but was able to remember to self observe and not get either carried away or too judgment of myself.

October 11 dream:  Guy at work I really like. Most of us go off with our bikes. He does, too,. Then goes in a different direction, carrying a document to mail.

October 11 dream:  Follow our leader into large underground place. He’s much faster than we are. I try not to fall down steep cliff. Find handle to chair which moves me down. They are serving food though I’m not hungry.

October 10, 2021:  Get call around 6:30 a.m. Insight: Since John and I are so connected, what if the “narcissistic rage” (see diary of October 9) is not mine but his? In ’til 4ish. Walk to G.P. Knee goes out near Lee Avenue. Then see cute Asian guy from behind. I turn around after I pass him and he pretends to be looking at something else. Then my knee gets better On to G.P. Owners at C.B. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Pass Jun’s salon. He’s working and facing the other way. Shop at Safeway. Super hot guy ahead of me in line. His sole item was a big carton of chocolate ice cream. Fantasize about taking his clothes off. Makes me hot. Later on walk home, think about my photographs and how great they are. Think that someday I’ll be recognized as a great photographer. Then realize how big a pattern this has been in my life. Assuming I’ll be famous and important one day for whatever reason.

October 10 dream:  Stages of self-awareness getting in the way.

October 10 dream:  Pelosi has lots of congressional districts.

October 10 dream:  Woman doing back arches. Me thinking I’d like to do that when nobody is around.

October 9, 2021:  Translation group at 9:45 a.m. Self Observation group at 11 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then C.B. Owner’s son smiles at me with his eyes. Read in Mindbody that pain is caused by “narcissistic rage” and that in order to heal ourselves we don’t even need to feel that rage, just realize that the body, through pain, is trying to protect us from feeling it. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 home. In p.m. learn that trans people have more body pain than others.

October 9 dream:  I’m part of a cool London rock band. Things aren’t working out in London. I joke, “I hear things are very nice in Vallejo.”

October 9 dream:  Lion escapes. It was my job to rein him in.

October 9 dream:  Sudden rash on my right arm. Doc says it was psoriasis. He gave me some cream. It seemed to clear up. He said I told him I was going to the Mexican border. I said, “I’m going to Mexico on Friday at 11:30.”

October 8, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Listen to lots of “Wisdom of Trauma” videos. Walk to W.P. Run into Shrey. Talk with Ananh at Ingleside Gallery. Get photo back which didn’t sell after all. Walk to W.P. Bump into school kid and vice versa. At Portola and Santa Ana, other school kid runs up to me and kind of smiles. Go to Peet’s. Young woman in “boys’ jeans” there. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Talk with my Hemingway friend. Other young woman gives me her seat. Talk briefly with “crazy” guy as I exit bus. Insight: “I am God.” Is that what my body is trying to save me from having to admit?

October 8 dream:  Girl gets new Asian guy something to eat and invites him to her alcove. I rush to meet him. He’s sitting on the floor eating. I ask if I can try some. He offers me some. He says, “It’s the spirit of ….” I say, “It’s pretty good.”

October 8 dream:  John and I on same rail car we had been on before. We are both separately washing our hands and face after some event. Others there. He pretends he doesn’t notice me and and vice versa. He has a big square ring on his right ring finger. (*Relates to somebody reading my online “Diary” on October 9?)

October 7, 2021:  Insight: Thane’s comment on the movie Ordinary People: How many have seen it twice or more? Relates to me being stronger than my brother when my mother was shot in front of us just like Conrad was stronger than his brother Buckie. And can I live with that? In ’til 3:30ish. Try to take photo on way out. My camera doesn’t work! I panic. Go back. Get my good camera. Can’t get it to work either. Go back a second time to get good camera instruction book. Notice my little camera memory stick is till being charged. So take both cameras with me. Walk to W.P. Cute teenager with lime green shorts smiles at me as I check him out. Walk to Peet’s W.P. After, get $5.78 frozen yogurt ’cause I liked the look of the young man selling it. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. W.F. Check out with Min. He’s not interested in connecting with me. As I walk out, I think, “I may not have a relationship like my therapist does, but I connect with many people in my life. As I think this, catch approving glance of beautiful young black security guard. I say, under my breath, “Thanks.”

October 7 dream:  Laughing and pretending to be scared over fruit crumble choice. “Hey,” I said. “I did that last weekend.” (h.o.)

October 7 dream:  About 20 feet off the ground. Can’t take off ’til it gets a little cooler (or warmer?). Someone takes us to elevated railroad car as we wait.

October 7 dream:  Interviewing a bunch of people are who behind bars.

October 6, 2021:  One Haight BMR requests transcripts from the IRS proving that I submitted 1040s in 2019 and 2020. In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with Allen. He’s speaking to me, but barely. #43 home. Insight: Realize my body pain may be a self-punishment for my reaction to my mother’s death. Trying to steal her moment, her fame (if you will) and make it my own. Then realized my anger at her for exposing my pettiness, my egocentricity and confirming that she is/was indeed a better person than I was. And therefore she won the ongoing psychological argument I was having with her at the time of her death.

October 6 dream:  Several brief hard-ons.

October 6 dream:  Walking in the rain. Take off my boots and put on different shoes. Harriet and Obe there. The crotch in my pants was open.

October 5, 2021:  Cancelled my therapy sessions. Felt sad about it. Walk to Excelsior library. Seagull, then crow, then hawk flies toward me and lands on light pole just ahead of me. I get out my camera to take a photo. Bird flies off to other light pole. (*Relates to me returning phone call to timeshare company and leaving message as John Pinkerton on October 6, I think.) Excelsior library. G.P. C.G. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 home. Watch Wisdom of Trauma (twice).

October 5 dream:  Was waiting with friend for some people to finish eating so we could eat. Thane was with us. He teeth were yellow. He mentioned the time I licked Tom C’s butt. I said, “I didn’t lick it. I kissed it.” He said it was a snarky thing to do. I said, “No, it wasn’t.” He said he should share all the reactions he gets from others so everybody would know what people are thinking. That sounded like a horrible idea to me.

October 5 dream:  Try to check out book which I’m holding before the bus gets here. The movement of the library pushed me into the librarian who previously had her shirt off and had a male chest. She said the word for “more” was “manure.” Then she started flirting with me. There was another guy in the library as well.

October 4, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Therapy appointment at 12:30 p.m. Had to wait for prior patient to finish. Walk home via Market. Stop at Blick’s to buy three new photo frames. Stop by W.F. at Market & Dolores. Talk with beautiful, friendly young security guard I’d talked with last time. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Go to Starbucks 18th Street. Leave post-it note for John H. on their community post-it board. Pass by 440 Club. Have pizza slice at Marcello’s. It was wonderful. Take K to W.P. Check out price for blue Buddha for Ricardo. Walk home. Insight 1: My therapist is someone I don’t respect yet I want his approval. Just like my father. Insight 2: On hearing of my father’s remarrying, it wasn’t that I wanted to go back to being a normal boy. I wanted to go back to pretending to being a normal boy. That’s why I still needed my father’s approval. He would be my cover.

October 4 dream:  After many false starts, guy sitting in seat in front of me points me out. I get awarded best actor award for my work as a prisoner named Rockford, who is also there. My name is Michael Strawberry.

October 4 dream:  I’m a police officer talking about old days vs. new days. Also importance of egg salad.

October 4 dream:  Trump renominated and will almost certainly win.

October 4 dream:  Me and my 7 or 12 mostly black friends are entering big auditorium of about 100,000 for special meeting.

October 3, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Walk behind two young gay Latinos who both look back at different times. Owners at C.B. Daniel not there. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Walk past Jun’s salon. He’s sitting behind his counter. Walk home. Hawk at CCSF parking lot. Go to Ingleside Gallery closing party. Two out of my three photos sold!!! Met 30ish guy with big belly and his cute young 20ish boyfriend. Had intense exchange with 30ish guy as I left (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.)

October 3 dream:  Trying to explain my dream about Buffalo to people in other cities.

October 2, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Mislaid disc 1 of 2-disc set. Guy was very sweet about it. Made other guy jealous, I think. Walked to G.P. Lee at G.P. Went to C.B. Read in The Mindbody Prescription that TMS causes tingling. Made me feel good. Shits at G.C.P. Then walked thru G.C.P. Hear woman say she wanted something “uplifting.” Guy with T-shirt saying “Beyond28.” Really long white limo backs up in front of me, on its way to top of T.P. Realize only reason I want memory of my father’s sexual abuse of me is so I can get back at him, get even with him. And maybe that’s why I’ve been unable to retrieve a specific memory of it. #43 home. Take shower. Go to Ingleside Gallery. Say hello to Shrey and his friends. Feel real moment of love for Shrey. He likes my red pants. I tell him I’ll see him tomorrow at the closing party. Run into Min at W.F. Not so excited about him today.

October 2 dream:  Loading all the laundry of this guy from months ago into new bags.

October 2 dream:  Some people running for V.P. (*Relates to meeting Shrey, I think.)

October 1, 2021:  Bills. Monthly BB. Guy scam calls me trying to get my Social Security number. He starts to threaten me when I don’t comply. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Ingleside Gallery. See Shrey. Walk on to Peet’s W.P. Damon there. Have unsweetened matcha. Walk back. See Shrey again. We fist bump.

October 1 dream:  Riding into pier designed by fellow traveler.

October 1 dream:  2 rows of balconies in a class. I say, “I hope somebody takes a picture of this.” Then everyone leaves on break. They are dancing in the mall. I yell out, “We’re got one more lesson.” It’s called “Ocean.” Some try to bring in old white horse backwards. He doesn’t like that. Guy who said he had to go showed up.

September 30, 2021:  In ’til 3:30. Walk to W.P. Douglas at Peet’s. Walk back home via Monterey. Take my three framed photos to Ingleside Gallery and Shrey hangs them up. Show is Friday night, Saturday and Sunday. Go to W.F. Meet Gabe, new checkout guy.

September 30 dream:  Guy says I should look for somebody, you know, my own age.

September 30 dream:  Fooling around with woman from the office.

September 30 dream:  Thane invites me over for meal. He is cooking behind big pole. I am near head of table in casual clothes. Tom C. there, too. Thane’s fixing pancakes in case his other meal doesn’t work out.

September 29, 2021: Got three photos printed out and framed for this weekend’s art show. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Unfriendly librarian. Go to G.P. Follow young boy who swiveled his hips in front of Cuppa. Go to C.B. Unfriendly barista. Walk thru G.C.P. to M.S. “Sir Allen” still turning his back to me. #43 home.

September 29 dream:  Tell Rachel Maddow and other women, “If there’s anything I can do to help.” She shows me how to unwrap parcels without tearing the wrapping.

September 28, 2021:  In ’til 11:30. Go to VA to get new shoes and give blood. After, go to Simple Pleasures Café and get totally ignored for minutes on end by cute blond guy with nice ass. So after mutually glaring at each other, I leave. Walk thru G.G. Park. Beautiful day. Go thru arboretum. Young woman at ticket booth smiles excitedly at me. Take photo of unafraid duck. I tell guy on bench, “I guess they’re expecting food.” He says, “They’ve gotten used to humans.” I pause. Then say, “Now if only I could get used to humans.” Handsome man sitting under tree smiles at me on my way out. Run into long-haired, gray-haired man outside. Realize it’s Fred Cline. Decide not to approach him. Go to Arizmendi. Then take N to Cole Valley. Significant eye contact with blue-eyed toddler on N. He seemed wise and happy and akin to me. Stop at Peet’s. Then buy three photo frames. #37 to Castro. Pop into 440 Club. #35 to G.P. BART to Balboa Station. #8 home. Stop at W.F. Check out with Min (see diary of September 24). Am overcome with love for him. Almost forget my debit card.

September 28 dream:  Big excavation or swimming pool project. I kept backing away so as not to slip into hole. Run into Leigh B. My shirt is off. My belly button is like a small penis. Leigh is glad to see me.

September 28 dream:  Learning about PBR (Post British Rule?) The Flight of the … Brigade. It was also something to eat.

September 28 dream:  Handsome tall, blond guy being pantsed. He has no genitals. He’s still cute, though.

September 27, 2021:  Therapy appointment 12:30. Kind of disappointing. Walk to Castro after. P.O. Plus. Starbucks 18th Street. Pop into 440 Club. Take K to W.P. Stop by Peet’s. Take K to Ocean. Then walk home.

September 27 dream:  Big conference somewhere directed by guy from London. I’d like to get up but I have no pants on.

September 27 dream:  I can move into Trinity Place whenever I want. The apartment is waiting for me.

September 27 dream:  Go with Michael J. Fox to visit building we used to hang out in. Guy there talking about Cogito Ergo Sum.

September 27 dream:  Get last seat in class on Native American lore. Later taking shower in bathroom stall with two women classmates in adjoining stalls.

September 26, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Walk to Safeway. Patrick there. Walk home. Slip and fall on Gennessee while stopping to take photo. Watch The Shawshank Redemption in p.m. ’cause it’s supposed to be a really important movie in the mind-body healing community. The main character’s name is Andrew Dufrene. My therapist’s name is Dufrene, but he goes by Troy, although his first name is Andrew, I found out on September 27. So I thought this was a synchronistic moment. In fact, I jumped out of my seat!

September 26 dream:  Being in interview skit with 4 or 5 others. They were from local area.

September 26 dream:  Talking about investments right before talk on investments.

September 25, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Go to C.B. Daniel there. To discourage misuse, the bathroom has a sign on it saying “Out of Order,” even though it is not out of order. Today it actually was out of order. A self-fulfilling prophesy, Daniel and I both agree. Walking out onto Diamond Street, I walk behind interesting young Asian man with pink hair. Have significant moment with him as he enters liquor store and I head up to G.C.P. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 not coming so I take #48 to W.P. Then K home. Watch young Asian guy exit at Miramar and enter an art gallery which I’d never seen before. So I get off at next exit and walk back to gallery. Meet and talk with Shrey about his art. He lives in building across from me in same complex. He invited me to submit three of my photos for his next show. Write “Pandemic leads to Pandemonium” for BB in p.m. (*Relates to “3 week” from April 6 and diary of September 4?)

September 25 dream:  I say hello to Cathy W. at work. She says, “Last time you didn’t even speak to me.” I say, Well, I was working. That’s what we do here.” She says, “I don’t know what you expect us to be.”

September 25 dream:  Young boy being sweet with me at S.F. fair grounds. He went swimming and says the water was dirty. Password to get in: “infinitegest.”

September 24, 2021:  In ’til noon. Take #43 to 800 Presidio apartments. They were almost as nice as my current apartment and only $250 more per month. Walk to Castro. Stop at Starbucks 18th Street, sitting at outside table. Walk up Castro. Have to go to bathroom. Go into 440 Club to buy cranberry juice and take a pee. I only took a few sips of the drink. It was really delicious. (*Relates to 3rd dream of September 23, I think.) Walk up Market. See cute young guy at Market and Portola who I follow to Laguna Honda Blvd. I think he’s headed one way or the other. Then realize he’s waiting for me to make my move. When I don’t, he heads back up Portola. #43 home. Me feeling petty with school girl who grabbed the seat I wanted. Check out with “Min” at W.F. I say, “Is it raining Min?” He says, “What?” I say, “Is it raining Min?” He says, “Yes” and turns around and laughs.

September 24 dream:  Have cold drink with quiet woman. I ask her if she ever drinks ice tea. “Sure,” she says.

September 24 dream:  Get on bus with people going to Rose Bowl, just to say hello. The bus won’t stop. Then it makes last stop in S.F. and several of us get off and walk back to original S.F. station.

September 24 dream:  Cleaning up the house. Getting ready for event at 2 p.m. Walk in the park in town. Woman of the house is calm. Her brother is upstairs in bath. When I came up. He gets out with only wet PJ bottoms on. He smiles at me and goes downstairs.

September 23, 2021:  Call for John Pinkerton makes me laugh. In ’til 3:30ish. Go to Peet’s W.P. Douglas there. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. “Sir Allen” trying to ignore me. #43 home. Talk with Peter on bus and on way home. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: “Love is pandemic.” As opposed to the sense testimony: We all are terrified of the demons within our own psyches.

September 23 dream:  Six or so of us. Some take down names so we can remember what group each person is in. Some kind of musical or artistic venture.

September 23 dream:  I defend Michael Williams, a black man with fly larva in his pants. I’m wearing his pants without the fly larva.

September 23 dream:  Flying in plane. Pilot says we’re going to swerve and bomb now. And we shoot out a bomb. Then I’m on the ground with older woman. I say, “Are we shoot a bomb?” Lots of boys and men in black swim suits wrestling. I’m 5 minutes late for 4 p.m. appointment.

September 22, 2021:  Woke up last night breathless. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Have shits at Peet’s. Nice moment with Douglas on leaving. Walk up Ulloa. Just catch #43. Peter on board. Meet guy reading The Night Battles by Carlo Ginzburg. Walk home with Peter. He tells me there was a fire at G.C.P. on Monday or so.

September 22 dream:  About to give class without charging fee. I point out the many reasons a fee should be charged.

September 22 dream:  Visit foreign island city. See guy I knew from S.F. We arm wrestle. I think I win.

September 21, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. After, pick up Mindbody Prescription outside of Canyon Market. It feels like the Universe is telling me that the pains I’m feeling are mind-caused rather than body-caused. Makes me happy. Walk to G.C.P. As I jaywalk across Diamond Heights Boulevard, I’m fantasizing about John visiting me at my new apartment on Haight Street. Woman driving by yells, “Bad idea!” Two hawks circling each other at apex of G.C.P. #43 home. Run into my literary friend who’s reading Hemingway’s To Have and Have Not.

September 21 dream:  Looking for jeans for my sister Laurie so she can be more relaxed in class we are all taking. (h.o.)

September 21 dream:  Renting two rooms at cheap hotel I stayed in before. No cockroaches this time. I rent out second room for some other people, but forgot. Thought of just renting out one room ’til I remembered. Some other guests don’t like me. (h.o.)

September 21 dream:  Guy acting out now ’cause nobody thought he had any acting talent in college.

September 21 dream:  Dog doing tricks.

September 21 dream:  Two people have two companies.

September 21 dream:  I was getting in argument with doctor about Christian Science. Girl accuses me of kicking her without apologizing.

September 20, 2021:  Reviewing what happened with Jun hier: He asked me, “You have a lot of friends, don’t you?” I say, “I have enough.” But I think he narrowed in on a sore spot. I look up the word “friend” and it leads to “love.” In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Peet’s W.P. Listen to YT about family systems. Suddenly realize why I feel so unlovable: because I was relying on the judgment of Obe and Harriet, my father and step-mother, to tell me whether I was lovable or not. Shoot up from my table. Leave the café. Thought of taking train to Castro, just two stops away, to share my excitement. Walk up Ulloa to #43 which arrived immediately. Shits on arriving home.

September 20 dream:  ETDEC_ _ _ _ _ _ _: First letters in long word for extraterrestrial declaration(?)

September 20 dream:  Can’t get into part I’m supposed to play in play. I tell them I’m perfectly fine if they want to get somebody else. The part is a loud authoritarian guy.

September 20 dream:  Moving back into vacation house. Bring shoes. Harriet there. Girl who wants me to wait ’til she starts wearing shoes. Suzanne there as well. She seems to really be happy i’m there. Earlier I say, “What the Fuck!” Harriet objects. I say, “Whoops! Mommy patrol!”

September 20 dream:  Trying to serve a cup of coffee and also giving a book about Native Americans to somebody.

September 20 dream:  Dream of sucking somebody’s cock.

September 19, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Then walk up Monterey to Safeway. Pass Jun’s salon. I was going to stop by he suggested hier, but he was cutting somebody’s hair and facing the other way. Made me feel bad. Go to Safeway. Then walk home. Lots of house cleaning today. Email from Troy cancelling my therapy appointment tomorrow. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: “Truth stands on its own.”

September 19 dream:  Supposed to return form before checking out. Carol Carter with me, who I’m mad at.

September 19 dream:  Jumping off Uncle Nick’s roof. Running around in the neighborhood. Walk thru garden gate which I say is “very Parisian.” Wondering what I’m doing there. Would like to get away from my family.

September 18, 2021:  Self Observation group at 11 a.m. Six in attendance. I like this group better than the one I attended previously. In ’til 1:30ish. Rush to get to haircut appointment with Jun. He says I should visit more often, not just when I need a haircut. He calls it “friendship.” Then Asian guy comes in and starts talking Chinese with him. I tell Jun, “He’s taking away from my friendship time.” I tell him i’m thinking of moving to Haight and Market. He says there are too many homeless there. I remind him of time he came over to my place. He said, “And you didn’t even offer me anything to eat.” Walk to Excelsior library. Then back to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to #48 to W.P. Take K home.

September 18 dream:  Free wild possum. Hope the dog goes after it. They go after each other.

September 18 dream:  My grandmother, who I just met, mentions “penis” for the second time. I compliment her for it.

September 18 dream:  Guy on stairway is or pretends to be awestruck by me. But he seems to be on his way out.

September 18 dream:  Drive friend to Jewish center in the Tenderloin. He wants to stay for meditation. I decide to stay too. Run into Nobel Fields there. I tell my friend, “We used to make fun of him at school.” She says, “That’s not who I am.”

September 18 dream:  Some old Dickens play with an all-gay cast.

September 17, 2021:  In ’til 1ish. #49 to Tommy’s Joint on Van Ness for 10th anniversary of Occupy lunch with John F. Then walk to Castro. Trying to hook up online with Occupy Wall Street Global GA. But can’t. Then take K to W.P. Stop at Peet’s. Douglas there. After, talk with Ladi at Christian Science Reading room. Tell him about God’s Perfect Child. I leave about 5:35 p.m. I ask Ladi, “How late do you stay?” He says, “5:40..” K home. Cute Asian girl on K. Then W.F. Shirtless Asian guy in overalls having trouble opening plastic bag. I say, “Do you need help with that?” He laughs. Big group of young people with SFO tags on their luggage on elevator. I say, “Where are you coming from?” The say, “San Diego.” I sound disappointed. One girl jokes, “I came from Dubai.”

September 17 dream:  Christian vs. Christian on rooftop, fighting. Don’t know who is going to win.

September 17 dream:  Woman boss about to open letter which I had opened and amended and re-taped up.

September 16, 2021:  Calvin calls. Invites me to “Conversations with Calvin” in December or later. Then 1 Haight calls again. I try to get all the documents they are requesting. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Peet’s W.P. Douglas is baristo. Then up Ulloa to M.S. I compliment “Sir Allen” on his new haircut. He says, “Thank you, Sir.” #43 home. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: “Truth and sexual appropriateness is all I have in mind.” Watch Last Temptation of Christ in p.m.

September 16 dream:  Follower of religious leader is allowed his freedom. (h.o.)

September 16 dream:  On board the boat following the ship Ernst. We were following in its wake, trying to stay upright. (h.o.)

September 15, 2021:  Go to VA for first of three appointments. Stop by liquor store to buy Chron even though I already had one. I wanted to see my IA friend from September 3. He checked out my crotch. Later walking by same liquor store without intending to, went in again. This time IA told me, “I get off about 5 or 6.” I said, “You should be thankful you have parents who are willing to help you out.” Woman in line behind me. (*Relates to first dream of September 14, I think. Also, to hearing hawk hier. I heard the hawk but couldn’t see it. Just like I couldn’t see getting together with IA.) After VA, go to nearby W.G. Black guy gives me intense look. Walk through G.G.Park to 9th and Judah. #43 home.

September 15 dream:  Christian Scientist guys I’m supposed to like. One I do.

September 14, 2021:  in ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then C.B. as it was closing. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear hawk at apex. #48 and #43 home. Cute young Asian guy offers seat to me. As I approach home, thinking about what I heard recently on YouTube about compassion, that the reason it’s so important is because everyone is a part of you. And by being compassionate to others, you are really being compassionate with yourself. As I’m thinking this, W.F. worker (not Javier) gives me an unexpected smile. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: “Truth is joyously expectant of Truth.”

September 14 dream:  A friend of mine was about to go into underground cave. The rest of us were all dressed in new outfits and I was dancing with the girl I was supposed to be dancing with.

September 14 dream:  The dean (a woman) has asked me to say a few words, to read these lines. Before I could speak, another woman gets up and gives a speech. Then I try to get microphone to work and start talking.

September 13, 2021:  Therapy appointment at 12:30 p.m. At one point my therapist says my face fell. I thought that was an interesting way to put it. Walk up Market to Castro. Stop at Peet’s Castro. Ferret-like guy gives me the eye. Later as I’m leaving, I see he’s no longer there. But tall handsome guy (who I think was the same guy) walked out the door in front of me. Walk to Castro. Take photo of “Residents on 9/17” on Castro Theatre marquee. Walk up Market to Portola. Handsome guy at Portola Drive and Burnett Avenue smiles at me as if in confirmation of the ideas I was reviewing in my mind. Wait almost an hour for #43 home. Then begin Translating more seriously. Skateboarder I had connected with suddenly take off. So I do as well. I get on bus four stops later. It’s really crowded but bus driver was nice enough to stop and pick me up.

September 13 dream:  Getting tired of the demands made of me by The Prosperos. I wrap myself in screen. Someone comes to find me. I say, “What do you want?” They tell me. Then I tell them I’ll take care of it.

September 13 dream:  Visiting Oregon. Share room with someone. Then can’t find him. Fortunately, I run into him. He’s digging in a canal. Aries dog protecting him.

September 13 dream:  At school cafeteria for adults. Everybody is hooking up. Guy asks me, “Do you want to come?” I say, “Sure.”

September 13 dream:  My brother Tom says he’s going to name his new child after me: Michael Lee P. …

September 13 dream:  Someone says both my brother Tom and I have public involvement in civic affairs.

September 12, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Owner and son at C.B. Hot blond guy in shorts with mask on walks in. I get excited. Think he gets excited too. Later gay friend of son comes in and ignores me. I say to son, “Is the bathroom working?” [There’s a sign on it which says “Out of Order.”) He says it’s working. I say, “Oh, I see, you’re just teasing us.” Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Guy with tight T-shirt and nice body doesn’t want to play with me. Check out with Patrick, who also is not very playful. Walk home. Run into couple from upstairs on CCSF parking lot? Shits on arriving home. Finish GPC.

September 12 dream:  Had to play piano on crutches. A friend of mine was helping me.

September 12 dream:  Document needs photocopying.

September 11, 2021:  World Work Translation Group at 11 a.m. Three in attendance. In ’til 4:30ish. See “Gusher” on Ocean Avenue. Later Skateboarder with glasses on Ocean. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Say hello to Lee. Too late for C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Run into my motorcycle friend from April 22, 2021 on Amethyst Way. He was with a friend and had four motorcycles in his garage and driveway. He says he sold two in the last month I remind him that last time we talked he said to me, “It’s never too late.” I said, “In fact, I was thinking of that just now before I ran into you.” #43 home. Isaiah at Safeway. Two of us “older” guys were competing for his attention. Or so it seemed.

September 11 dream:  Shop in Paris being shut down. Jewish woman’s things taken?

September 11 dream:  Climb up moving cement structure. Other guy tries to knock me off. Then somebody stops the structure from moving and there are kids up there.

September 10, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Read more GPC at Peet’s. Woman wanting me to check her out. I don’t. Eduardo and other sweet baristo there. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. “Sir Allen” there hidden underneath black hoodie. Check out with “haircut” Ed. They ran out of Wheat Thins. #43 home. Pause in stairwell to photo drawing on floor. Nice young Asian guy smiles at me, followed by his girlfriend. I think they’re my new upstairs neighbors. Makes me feel happy. Later, after waiting about three weeks, get email response from 1 Haight Street asking for documents  which I had already submitted, all within two business days. So I think I’m gong to let them go. Finish Translation for World Work Translation Group. My conclusion: “The brutal truth:  The only opinion/dogma is the perfection of Truth/Consciousness.”

September 10 dream:  Was after certain woman. Just when I was about to reach her, I was stopped. Then released. Then was interested in man.

September 10 dream:  Class on … reading. We were reading a text on deer meat. How there are two types: one standard and tasteless, the other rancid yet tasteful. I take wrong text for second reading.

September 10 dream:  At gay club, young waiters showing off their asses. A black guy from USLA (University of California at Sausalito) gives me the eye. Latino guy keeps hogging my phone. Earlier some moldy bread and moldy muffins.

September 10 dream:  Woman supervisor said she had sex with a couple of soldiers while we were all out of the building.

September 9, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Go to Peet’s W.P. Read more GPC. Scary stories about Christian Science kids getting sick and dying. Walk to Ulloa. #43 home. See “Tattletale.”

September 9 dream:  When he lays on top of me, I’m supposed to grab his penis.

September 9 dream:  Looking for something to eat at local cafeteria. Drive by. Suddenly my car is loaded down with pallets of Coke. Then there’s an obstacle I try to drive through. Then I’m on rock out ion the water. One of the rocks I’m on is loose. I kick it into the water. Now I have to get wet to get back on dry land.

September 8, 2021:  In til 3ish. Walk to Peet’s W.P. Read more God’s Perfect Child (GPC). Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. See “Work in Progress.” Stay on bus one stop beyond to try and connect with teenager with metallic gray fingernail polish. Couldn’t figure out how to do that since he seemed so engrossed with the game on his phone and his friend sitting next to him. After, I concluded that since Mind is one, he must have felt my effort to go out of my way for him. Then, cute young guy on Ocean smiles at me as if in agreement. More GPC in p.m.

September 8 dream:  Big food gathering and eating is almost over. We had to eat out of particular boxes. More to come next week.

September 8 dream:  My brother has a bad head wound. I urge him to spend the night with John F. John says, “It looks like he has brain damager. He looks better in the a.m.” (*Relates to reading GPC on September 9?)

September 7, 2021:  In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. Then G.P. Then read more God’s Perfect Child at C.B. Then G.C.P. Beautiful guy on Arbor Street. I started to take photo but he gave me dirty look. so I pretended I was looking at my phone. Later runner on Market says, “I didn’t mean to scare you.” #48 to #43 to home. Talk with Peter. I ask him if he agrees with Jon Stewart that “Science is doing a tremendous job of rescuing us from the pandemic which science began.” Peter said something about industrialization as he was crossing the street on his way home.

September 7 dream:  According to our boss the Giants are the only local team doing well. I say, “What about Golden State?”

September 7 dream:  I’m joining the Army 22nd Airborne.

September 6, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Nice baristo at Peet’s. He gave me large drink when I ordered a medium. Also brought drink and then straw to my table. Started reading God’s Perfect Child more seriously. Up Ulloa to #43 home. Continue reading God’s Perfect Child. Get to page 100. It’s a really stunning take-down of Mary Baker Eddy, founder of Christian Science, and icon of my childhood upbringing. Hear: “Prepare for the unexpected” in p.m.

September 6 dream:  Young kids are asked a series of questions. We try to make sure they answer correctly. At end I call everybody together.

September 6 dream:  Bob Meslinsky looking at apartment for himself. He says, “I wish I didn’t have to leave Phil.”

September 6 dream:  Am involved with casual group. Kind of like a summer camp. Keep running into same girl. I say, “Are you running in or running out?” She says, “Who are you involved with?” I say, “I’m figuring that out.”

September 6 dream:  Go to Vallejo. Walk up to apartment building to take a look. Steps up to first landing are completely missing. Beautiful view of the bay. Go to take photo. See several large white sea lions. Then a man, two puppies, and a sea lion approach me. I get ready to confront them. [Then my phone rings and I wake up.]

September 5, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk out of apartment. See woman talking on her phone approaching front door. I try to avoid her. Take elevator up to 2nd floor and walk down. Walk down Ocean to San Benito to Monterey to Safeway. Two young black boys get out of my way as I walk by. Go to Safeway. See Asian guy with nice body. Decide I can’t just ignore him so I tell him, “I like your cart.” (*Relates to hawk from September 3 and shits from hier, I think.) Later, I happen to get behind him in the checkout line. Walk home. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: Health ( wholeness) is the only force in the Universe.

September 5 dream:  Adding three new women house members to Saratoga house: one in back porch, one in kitchen, one in dining room, Harriet tells me.

September 5 dream:  Czechs lose game by 2 points though the result seems incorrect to me and others. But Czechs are willing to agree.

September 5 dream:  Take train back into city. Lose my jacket. Lose my luggage. Lots of huge trucks on road. One going forward though heading sideways. Some SOMA residents. One woman says to another, “That’s the price of living in luxury.”

September 4, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then Lee at G.P and Daniel at C.B. Read God’s Perfect Child about an ex-Christian Scientist. Walk to Safeway feeling “shittier.” Pass another wedding at Sunnyside Conservatory. When I get to Safeway, the toilet is closed so I take #43 home and just make it to my bathroom. Later, thinking to myself, “If only God would tell me whether I’ll get better or not.” Then, a few minutes later, listening to YouTube about women mystics, annoying audience member starts singing too loudly. I turn volume down. Then I hear what she’s singing, “All shall be well again, I know.” Later, talking to God in my head, I say, “I owe you my life.” And He says, “Yes, you do.” Later, I wonder, “How long will it take?” Then I realize maybe it’ll be three weeks as indicated in my dream of April 6, 2021. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: “The body of God works harmoniously with Itself to give and receive good.”

September 4 dream:  Must register for big event coming up. (h.o.)

September 4 dream:  Attending party in big old lofty building. Lots of people smoking. Something about Pakistan. And signing a document. Reading in newspaper about coming to party with masked avenger or his rival. At end of dream, building gets very smoky. I look in front part of building and see that it’s not as smoky there. We get ready to leave in a hurry.

September 4 dream:  Thane in mock fight with me over words. I’m drinking a dark cola which leaves a black residue on bottom of glass.

September 3, 2021:  In ’til noonish. Go to VA for dental appointment for TMJ. Liquor store clerk with IA T-shirt. He said they are an Asian group. Meet Dr. Kwan at VA. Love him. (*Relates to “Perfect” on the way there.) Walk home via G.G. Park. See hawk over playing field. Also h.s. boys waving their arms and skipping during soccer practice. I take photo of them. On to 9th Avenue. Then #43 home. Sit next to young boy at bus stop who later sat next to me on the bus. Go to W.F. Stand next to friendly but chubby guy who seems to want to connect with me. Finally I speak to him. He smiles. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Insight: Both my TMJ and my initial melanoma happened on my left ear.

September 3 dream:  Clean up house Tom O. and I are sharing. Guy starts talking to me at same time as I’m talking to Tom.

September 3 dream:  Eating a piece of pie at Calvin’s newly remodeled place. He and his guests disapprove. The pie was not as good as it looked.

September 2, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Eduardo at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. feeling “shittier.” Shits at M.S. Check out with “haircut” Ed. #43 home. See “Dance of Victory” on bus. Listen to Heroes, Villains and Healing in p.m.

September 2 dream:  Thane at big outdoor event. I wish I could stand up to him with my eyes. Then I have trouble seeing.

September 2 dream:  Take bus trip to someplace north of Sacto. It’s snowy. The driver stops one stop early. He’s a temp driver and doesn’t know what he’s doing.

September 2 dream:  Somebody tries to rape pretty big guy. Guy fights back and I and others come to the room where they are and save them. After, I am licking gravy off my fingers, hoping I’m not being too arousing to the rapist, who’s still in the room with us.

September 1, 2021:  Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. See coyote at St. Francis and San Benito. It was just walking across somebody’s lawn. It noticed me. I tried to take a few photos. Go to Peet’s W.P. Eduardo there. Sit next to man who seemed a little too close. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. See Peter afterwards. I give him calling card for Jun’s salon. Listen to How to Kill Your Batman audio book about male sexual abuse. It feels like the weekend.

September 1 dream:  My last day (or maybe it’s tomorrow) at my current place of employment. It’s 8 p.m. and they said they’d get me my check today.

September 1 dream:  Big old bloke helped me move frozen mean onto truck. Jonathan Flynn there. Also Bill Floyd. The big guy insisted on moving the last box himself.

September 1 dream:  Start one year assignment as enlisted man in the Navy. We’re just getting on board ship which is at ocean level.

September 1 dream:  Jean Evans walking up the path on my front lawn.

August 31, 2021:  Submit my new lease online. Get call in a.m. which relates to the hawk on Market Street hier, I think. In ’til 3ish. Return house key to Mary L. via U.S. mail. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Go to C.B. Then G.C.P. Two guys (and me) waiting to see the coyotes, who don’t show. #48 and #43 home. Talk to Peter about apple pie he made from scratch using applies from his grandfather’s apple tree in Woodside. Insight: My body pain relates to my father trying to hang on to me?

August 31 dream:  Little niece grabs my balls. I call her a spoiled brat. Other woman comes prepared with lots of cash and checks.

August 31 dream:  Bright yellow aura being comes rising through the department store floor. I’m not really speaking to my boss (my father) and he says he wonders what the dream wants. I say, “You’ll have to ask the phone operators.”

August 31 dream:  I feel bad ’cause I let the humming bird’s mother die.

August 30, 2021:  Therapy appointment at 11 a.m. We did an abbreviated empty chair technique with me talking with my father and vice versa. On walk home RHSed my father who always said to me, “Why don’t you just hit me?” It was his way of saying that’s what he’d do. That’s what a real man does. I said to him, “I think a real man would prevent himself from sexually abusing his son. That’s what a real man would do.” Made me feel good. See hawk on Market Street. Go to 18th Street Starbucks. Get latte and banana nut bread to go. Walk up Castro. Walk over to hear musicians in front of Castro Theatre. See older guy who I try to avoid, then lock my gaze onto his lips. Walk up Market. Other guy smiles at me. Walk to Laguna Honda Blvd. #43 home. Isaiah unhappy at W.F. Watching Jack Benny episode in p.m., he mentions Rembrandt and Picasso just like I did in my BB post (“Truth as art”) of August 25.

August 30 dream:  Some guy lining us up, making us shit. My shit was okay.

August 30 dream:  Pick up some drum sticks and really wail on them. Also, learn to play the piano, I think. Am at work or school.

August 30 dream:  Go to hospital. Get “Cover to pregnant to Japan” chip from strange Greek greeter.

August 30 dream:  Almost finished with the pre’s – the preparation of the meals.

August 29, 2021:  Write “Truth is happening now!” post for BB. In ’til 3:45ish. Walk to W.P. Eduardo at Peet’s. Don’t know anybody else there. New baristo Dominic. Walk up Ulloa. Nice man battling gophers on Ulloa. #43 home. See runner in red shorts. Get off bus and go back and try to find him. I wait around a while and he comes running back. I follow him. Translate in pm. Conclusion: Truth nourishes itself by digesting/understanding everything.

August 29 dream:  Check into big building for annual gay convention with all kinds of activities, talks, displays, etc. Derek there. Robert McEwen. Both tried to sign me up for things before I’d even gotten there.

August 29 dream:  Getting together with guy I really like.

August 29 dream:  3 roommates all take off. Finally they all return. One is turning into an insect.

August 28, 2021:  World Work Translation Group at 11 a.m. 4 of us attended. Later watch The Dancing Boys of Afghanistan video. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then see Lee at G.P. liquor store. Then Daniel at C.B. Then guy with nice ass waiting for #44. I say to him, “Is this the #44?” He says, “Yeah.” He seems creepy. I continue on my way. Next guy I meet greets me as if we were old friends. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. Pass security guard at Sunnyside Conservatory. Then photographer blocking the sidewalk. I walk around her. She is photographing the married couple. She says to them, “Put your heads together.” Man seems happy. Woman a bit put off, though beautiful. Go to Safeway. #43 home. Insight: My skin crawling feeling may relate to my father’s sexual abuse of me.

August 28 dream:  Famous guy at international San Francisco demonstration goes towards his predicted death. Then survives. Crowd (including me) applauds. Woman owner of property says, “We’re having a fight about where to go next. If you have any comments, let me know.”

August 28 dream:  “Geigheif” is gangster work for “mother.”

August 28 dream:  Spend first night in my new (to me) apartment. A small bird comes in. Then the landlord and a woman. I ask him about some holes on the counter. He says I’ll have to fix it. And that I should open a window and let the bird out, which I do. It lands on my face before it leaves.

August 27, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Eduardo there. Nobody else I know. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. Run into Peter on way out. He tells me he has a younger sister going to school in Colorado. I say, “Where?” He says, “Colorado State in Ft. Collins.” Makes me happy. Translate in p.m.

August 27 dream:  Getting ready to listen to a class on somebody’s living room floor.

August 27 dream:  Am at day camp with Calvin and others. Tab Hunter is the lifeguard. Only I couldn’t remember his name. But I was acting out how he did – sometimes with gay arm movements, sometimes with jock movements. ““Cause he was both,” I said.

August 27 dream:  Visit woman teacher in middle of country. October. Big Christmas tree in her home.

August 26, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. Made me feel good. Shits later. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Run into my older literary friend from #43. I was following young man at the time. (Probably too young.) Go to Peet’s. Nobody I know working. Later Dickens friend from August 18 comes in. He has sheet music on his table. We talk briefly, both of standing. I lust after his beautiful hands and arms and imagine him without his flimsy T-shirt. I say, “So do you live in this area [West Portal]?” He says, “Yes.” I say, “Well, see you again.” He gives me look of disappointment. I walk up Ulloa to M.S. Check out with Sir Allen. He’s got a new name tag without the “Sir.” #43 home. Translate in p.m. Conclusion: “Life is the only option.”

August 25, 2021:  in ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Shirtless Asian guy (from August 18) still shirtless, on same bench, talking with same older man on Ocean Avenue. Pass actor Jim’s house on Santa Ana Avenue. Go to Peet’s W.P. Ramone is baristo there. Also Eduardo. Some self-infatuated young people. Then actor Jim and his girlfriend come in. They leave before I run into them. Walk across W.P. Boulevard. Follow beautiful man carrying string bass into wine bar. Several other beautiful smiling men there. No customers. I smile back. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. Jerk off. Translation conclusion: Truth does not punish itself.

August 25 dream:  Getting recording equipment and dinner ready for crazy boss who’s being nice to me at the moment. I touch his baby’s feet as he passes in his PJs for the night The baby seems smaller than he was. There’s food stains on the counter. I say, “Should I clean this up first?” He says, “Yes.”

August 25 dream:  Woman refuses meat or anything meat adjacent. So she refuses salad which didn’t look very good anyway.

August 24, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Try to keep up with young student on Ocean. Finally catch up with him at San Jose Avenue. I think he expected me to come on to him. He seemed off somehow. On to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. Walk to G.P. Shits at C.B. Later Sudoku asks me how I am. I’m fine. Walk thru G.C.P. to Portola Drive. #48 to Laguna Honda Blvd. See Lotus-like car with license plate “Starman.” #43 home. Write “Translation as art” post for BB. Later, as I’m falling asleep, feel a weight on my side. It freaked me out. After much consideration, I think it was Thane giving me a pat on the back for my post on Translation.

August 24 dream:  Run into John while I’m working on a police investigation as is he. I’m supposed to be in one room, but I go with John and the group he’s with. Once we are all seated at a table, he no longer speaks to me. So I start a conversation with the pretty girl (think AOC) sitting to my right. Lots of green clovers around outside.

August 23, 2021:  Therapy appointment at 12:30. We mostly talked about my 2nd dream of August 19 about me splitting up with my president (Trump, i.e., Thane). Walk up Market to Castro. Smiling guy with hot body in tight cloths near Twitter HQ. Go to Starbucks 18th Street. They no longer allow people to sit at tables. So I walk up Market to M.S. Then take #48 to Peet’s W.P. They still allow people to sit but require proof of vaccination. K home. Stop at W.F. looking for tapioca pudding. Settled for chocolate muffins. Somebody throwing cherry bomb outside my apartment window for 2nd time in a few days. Perhaps the new tenant who moved in underneath me?

August 23 dream:  Trying to get to sleep in rented vacation house. I’m on couch. My bed is still packed and it’s dark. And I have no light. Aunt Joanne sleeping in same room on a chair. If offer her the couch but she doesn’t take me up on it. European guy fixing food in kitchen is mad at me for some reason.

August 23 dream:  Big fun event at school—like a play which many of us were in. Calvin there. At end, we both say, “Ta, ta.” Older man who was registering for classes. I was getting healed, I think.

August 22, 2021:  Final day of SupraCargo online class. (*See 2nd dream of August 19.) Can’t believe Heather thought the germ “gay” began use as a term for homosexuals with a progressive group in France in the late 1800s. I think she was mistaking it for Gertrude Stein and her salon in the ’20s or ’30s. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Guy on Ocean, who I’d seen before, smiles at me. Go to Peet’s W.P. Notice beautiful guy sitting behind me. Don’t know how to contact him. He wasn’t reading a book. So I started on my way to the restroom. Then I thought maybe I could ask him to watch my phone. I stood there about 2 minutes trying to justify this ’cause I could very easily have taken my phone with me. But on the other hand, I knew I would have no other chance to speak with him. So I asked him to watch my phone. As soon as I caught his eyes my eyes were dancing all over the place. I thank him when I get back to my seat. He smiles. Say goodbye to new baristo on way out. Up Ulloa. #43 home. Took photo of guy resting his head on shoulder of guy sitting next to him.

August 22 dream:  Putting society back together with Irish bars and other parts of society in the proper amount.

August 22 dream:  Girl sitting next to me in park. She kisses me. I don’t like it much. Crowd of people looking up at my window.

August 21, 2021:  SupraCargo class online from 10-2 p.m. 7 of us attended. In ’til 5ish. Walk to Safeway. See “Flurry.” Shop at Safeway. #43 home. Two new neighbors moving in, one on top of me. One underneath. See “Big Bang.”

August 21 dream:  Trying to find book before I have to leave or wake up. 4 or 5 people killed, all with “good” … and buried under the carpet.

August 21 dream:  There’s an earthquake on 12th floor of building. I rush to get out. Then it’s over. I go back into building.

August 21 dream:  The 15th or then a woman(?)

August 20, 2021:  Shits in a.m. In’ til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Eduardo and some nice baristas at Peet’s. Finish Equus. It reminds me of my BB “Being a F**ker” post from a few days ago. Makes me feel good. Up Ulloa to #43 to home. Jerk off. Watch Alexander in p.m.

August 20 dream:  3 or 4 rows of photos (h.o.)

August 20 dream:  Working in central warehouse trying to find return labels and other things. No one being very helpful.

August 20 dream:  Moved into new room with Tom O. as my roommate. The bathroom sink nearest the window was mine. It had a beautiful view of green trees. I was shaving with green shaving green. Tom writes new room number (22055) on my suitcase.

August 19, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Run into my actor friend Jim outside his home on Santa Ana Avenue. We talk briefly. On to Peet’s W.P. New guy Tyler there. Walk up Ulloa to #43 stop. Talk with Peter on way home. Oliver Stone’s Untold History of the U.S. in p.m.

August 19 dream : Looking for a photo of Oscar Wilde I had seen earlier in an encyclopedia. Others in the room with me. In the kitchen were lots of baseball players, some professional. When I walked in with a smile on my face, somebody said everybody should be happy like me. And I say, “And I’m only 67…ah, 77, oh my god.” (h.o.)

August 19 dream:  Water receding from ocean in anticipation of tsunami? My house is directly on the beach with a steel window curtain for protection. Trump is my outgoing boss. He is wearing a worn red jacket and leaving me. I say, “I don’t want to see you again.” He says, “You won’t.”

August 18, 2021:  Insight: Hypochondria is often caused by childhood sexual abuse. Feeling like I want to die not just due to my body pains but perhaps due to unresolved emotions from childhood sexual abuse. Feeling like my body has been taken from me. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Asian guy in muscle T-shirt on August 12 is shirtless, sitting with older man on Ocean Avenue. Near Aptos Street, another young man smiles at me. Go to Peet’s. Eduardo there. Also Justin and Ramone. Also shadowy guy I sat next to. Later he returned to his seat and kind of looked me over. Later I looked at him. He was more attractive than I had thought. I went to the restroom fantasizing about having sex with him. When I returned to my seat, he was gone. Shortly after, another young man sat in front of me reading a really thick book. I knew I needed to speak to him. On my way out, I asked him what book he was reading. It was The Old Curiosity Shop by Charles Dickens. He had beautiful smiling eyes and a black mask. Was this the same guy I met on August 1? Probably. Then he was reading a science fiction book. (*Relates to first dream of August 15?)

August 18 dream:  Looking for copies of three letters sent out describing my work with various people.

August 18 dream:  Something about trying to find the city of New York.

August 17, 2021:  Sarah calls. Insight: Word for “makes my skin crawl” is formication. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then to G.P. Handsome guy on Diamond whom I admire. Then C.B. Then G.C.P. Two handsome guys who are not into being admired at Portola and Woodside Avenue. Then guy at Laguna Honda Boulevard who also seems standoffish. I move out of his way. He moves behind me. Then #43 to W.F. Young guy at W.F. Then home. Translate “formication” in p.m. Conclusion: I am transmissible Health.”

August 17 dream:  Marriage during a time of war. Had to take cover. (h.o.)

August 17 dream:  Everybody watching movie in hotel lobby. Hear gunshots. Many people leave theater. [Relates to actual noise of garbagemen outside at about 6:30 a.m.]

August 17 dream:  Nancy, Laurie and I move in together. Nancy is taking a nap. I am carrying her young girl who’s sleeping on my shoulder. The apartment has been rearranged. Now to get to the kitchen, we have to go thru Nancy and Laurie’s room.

August 16, 2021:  Therapy appointment at 12:30. See tulpa before and after. I told my therapist I have trouble smiling for photographs. He says, “Smile.” Walk up Market to Castro. Stop at 18th Street Starbucks. Then P.O. Plus to scan my One Haight Street BMR application. Then walk up Castro. Cruise outdoor waiter just before passing J’s bar. Walk up Market. The kids are back at SOTA. Stop at M.S. Check out with middle-aged Filipino guy. I say, “Where’s your name tag?” He gets it out. It says “Suzette.” I say, “Suzette?” He says, ‘Yeah.” I say, “Okay.” #43 home. Run into my literary friend from July 19. He’s reading Hemingway’s Old Man and the Sea. I tell him, “I remember how it ends.” He says, “Don’t tell me.” I say, “I won’t.” Worker at Philz smiles at me. We talk briefly.

August 16 dream:  My gay friend sitting at table with all the Negroes. Then I remember, “Oh, yeah, he’s a Negro, too.” Everybody leaves. When I get up from the table, my woman friend wants me to take care of the guy sitting next to her: Paul Kavanagh. I didn’t know he was gay. I stayed around for a while, then joined my friends who had already left.

August 16 dream:  Fellow campaign volunteer trying to ingratiate herself to our supervisor. So our supervisor starts taking an interest her. She says, How long have you been here?”

August 16 dream:  Puppy I’ve got on a leash. Someone says of him, “For each time he reaches out to me, he reaches me whole.”

August 15, 2021:  Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. 20 in attendance, including “Visitor.” In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Eduardo at Peet’s brings my drink to my table personally. Walk up Portola to #43 just leaving. Two “false starts” on bus. Hear “Get Ready for a Big Surprise. Something good will happen.” Insight: Prickling pain during day relates to heart palpitations at night?

August 15 dream:  Going thru Russian indoor spaces. See the words “Niestro Russio.” (Our Russia?). Guy says, “Speak Russian.” (h.o.)

August 15 dream:  Two Russian guys try to trap us into giving information, which we don’t do.

August 15 dream:  Hear alarm. Wake up in dream to see calm man in black sweater in my kitchen with two little boys. As I stand there, the alarm gets fainter. I have trouble making an energetic response.

August 14, 2021:  Wrote “Being a f**cker” post for the BB. In ’til 4ish. Walk to G.P. Shits at C.B. Then up Monterey to Safeway. Patrick there. Also guy from last Saturday, who was so cool to me, kind of disrobed (psychologically) for me as I passed him in Aisle 5. #43 home. Finish BMR application for One Haight Street. Tough evening health-wise. (*Relates to my concerns about the reception to my “Being a f**cker” post?)

August 14 dream:  Give woman to guy or at least all that’s left of her. He says he’s “ebullient.” (h.o.)

August 14 dream:  Guy painting graffiti on bathroom stalls. Says he has to get people in the habit of painting over them. One is a painting of a beautiful parrot. I tell guy I wouldn’t paint over that. A group of guys outside waiting to do graffiti.

August 13, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Help two Japanese guys looking for Excelsior Playground. See “set for life.” Go to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Take #48 to W.P. rather than my usual route. See Gabby (from hier) at Starbucks W.P. He’s not so “gabby” today. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Take K home. Jack Benny video on YouTube.

August 13 dream:  The building contractor says my property is not yet ready to begin construction. Look for bowl in pottery shop which can serve hot chocolate for four.

August 13 dream:  See John II at gym, shirtless. He looks a little older. No longer into me.

August 13 dream:  See John II sitting on ground, leaning against building. I open his shirt. Then his pants. Later I am in a marching band.

August 12, 2021:  Shits before leaving house about 3:30. Walk down Ocean. Beautiful Asian guy in muscle T-shirt. Guy in Kaisen Don resto on Ocean. 3rd Asian guy cruises me. I run across street to get closer look at young man in T-shirt. He flashes his abs for me. Go to Peet’s W.P. Meet Gabriel (“You can call me Gabby.”) He’s a 17-year-old high school student from Washington state. We talk about an hour and plan to meet again before he returns on August 17s. #43 home. Guy in W.F. tells me all about pineapples. I buy one. ACIM: “I am determined to see.”

August 12 dream:  We’re sitting at big long tables singing some sort of silly song. Thane is singing with us.

August 12 dream:  Barry Bram(?) talking to his wife, “Call me Blue Thunder.” (h.o.)

August 12 dream:  Reading book called “BNF” (But Not Forever?) (h.o.)

August 12 dream:  Visit the Barbier family when they were younger. Also see Tom O. when he was younger. I say, “We should get along.” Also woman wanting to put on an hour play. Other woman talking her out of it.

August 12 dream:  Visit Oakland. It’s beautiful. A couple of women say to me, “I could do you.” See Translation etched on side of rock. It’s a Translation about “love of country,” written by John. Take #38 home through very beautiful transit center in Oakland.

August 11, 2021:  Got email that my BMR application was overdue. Spend all morning and afternoon working on it. Finally submit application online by about 4 p.m. Get 2nd email saying I may have been approved for a new BMR apartment at One Haight. So submit documents to them as well. In ’til about 5 p.m. Walk to W.P. Eduardo and new guy at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Go to sit on seat in back. Woman wouldn’t remove her foot where I wanted to sit. So I sat in front. Didn’t know how to react, so I just got off at my usual stop as if nothing had happened. (*Relates to first dream of August 10, I think.) Insight: Shaking with Cree ’cause I was standing on my own two feet?

August 11 dream:  Try to take pee. Only toilet is in kitchen and father and daughter are eating there.

August 11 dream:  Room was made for protest in the paper and a few shelves of store.

August 11 dream:  Go to park. Get truck to car. Would like to shower. Am told there’s a shower up the way but you have to get naked. See few guys walking down with not much on. Think that looks interesting.

August 10, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Justin and Eduardo and new guy at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa. First bus too full. Take second bus. See Peter. We talk on way out. I tell him about the Danish movie Queen of Hearts. He recommends Danish movie Another Round. Nolan at W.F. Write “My God!” for BB. Cry like baby watching YouTube video of “Let the Sunshine In” from Hair.

August 10 dream:  Kidnapped by strange, violent family. After much taunting, I finally jump from 2nd story kitchen into living room. One guy dressed up in uniform of old-fashioned policeman starts hitting me with a billy club. I say, “You’ve go a lot of gall.” There are two others but I wake up. (*Relates to woman on #43 on August 11, I think.)

August 10 dream:  Hanging out with girl who kept getting together with other guys. Finally she just took off with me. Get back to treatment center. Touched a girl’s left ear and apologized. She didn’t mind.

August 9 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Run into actor Jim (*See diary of July 7.) He’s reading “Richard III,” getting ready for returning to his second year at Scotland Academy of Dramatic Arts. He said the roles they play will not be gender specific. I asked him which female role he would like to play. He said Anne from Richard III. I told him how excited I was about the Danish movie Queen of Hearts. (*Relates to shits from hier about 5:30 p.m.?) Up Ulloa. #43 home. Watch Unbroken in p.m. I cried when Japanese tell prisoners that “your President Roosevelt is dead.”

August 9 dream:  It’s a one unit class. And it’s the last day of class. I’m not sure what’s due. But it’s supposed to be mailed out today. I ask male teacher and spill “God” (a clear liquid) on his legs. (h.o.)

August 9 dream:  Inside German war zone at camp for wives of Nazi officers. We make friends with them. Try to convince them that their lives are worth something.

August 9 dream:  Working at newspaper office. Trying to get author’s correct name or at least the name he uses on his books. Need to make sure the name he uses on his copyright is the same.

August 9 dream:  My two co-workers ask me the importance of a tuba in a marching band and ask if they can ever go out of formation. I say they are very important and are always in formation of some sort unless they’re showboating. I get up to leave. As I pass their desks, they give me a beautiful new cell phone and aerial of some sort.

August 9 dream:  Clair Gold in hot outfit at Sunday Meeting. We (the trustees) decided we could remove our masks now. I think, “We never should have worn them.”

August 8, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Eduardo at Peet’s. No Justin. After, black gay guy gives me knowing look. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Shits at 5:30 p.m. when I get home. Insight: Invention of my fame as a dissociation from my mother’s murder? Undissociation was the J&J pause?

August 8 dream:  Arrangement made for there to be a corporate Democrat V.P and a progressive President.

August 8 dream:  Agree to take my lunch with Jim Renza rather than going to place to let them know about the election.

August 7, 2021:  World Work Translation Group at 11 a.m. 5 of us on Zoom. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Get second helping of DVDs just so I could get a smile out of sweet librarian, which I did. Walked to G.P. Lee there. Daniel at C.B. about to close. Walk to Safeway. See painted rock which says, “Free from Suffering.” Makes me happy. Patrick at Safeway deli overfills my small potato salad container. I ask other worker there if red, white and blue potato salad includes bacon. He says he thinks it does. I say, “Well, I think I’m going to cheat anyhow.” He says, “Who wouldn’t? It’s bacon!” Makes me laugh. Check out with guy who is attractive, but somehow we haven’t connected yet. In Schubiner meditation in p.m., somebody being wheeled out on hospital gurney. Thane is there. Then realize Thane may want me to say something. Watched Queen of Heart in p.m. Excellent Danish movie about stepmother who has relationship with her under-age stepson. It was excellent.

August 7 dream:  Leaving Saratoga house. Have certificate. (h.o.)

August 7 dream:  A big old department store downtown is closing? Find raccoons and other animals in storage bins. (h.o.)

August 7 dream:  Person going through a purifying process. He playfully approaches his wife. She has 2nd thoughts about not allowing him near.

August 7 dream:  “No man can enter heaven but by me,” guy says.

August 7 dream:  “The first 10 minutes” is quiet.

August 7 dream:  “A thousand years of service.”

August 6, 2021:  Guy calls saying his name is Dr. Gilbert. Says his pager gave him my number. I say, “Maybe you are looking for John Pinkerton.” He says, “Who’s that?” I say, “He’s an alias, a nom de plume, for John H*******.”  He says, I don’t know who that is either.” I say, “Nobody does.” He says, “Sorry to take up your time.” I say, “No problem.” In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Go to Peet’s. Justin comes in, I think. Not sure it’s him. He looks different. Up Ulloa to M.S. “Sir Allen” avoids me. #43 home. Insight:  Watch Lost Horizon. Get chills watching the movie. Then realize if I can create chills I can also create body pains, etc. And if I can create body pains, etc., I can uncreate them.

August 6 dream:  I pay all my debts and I still have a lot of money in my wallet. Take off from the farm for a while. Small wooden box follows me and tries to intimidate me. I kick it. (*Relates to insight from August 6?)

August 6 dream:  Orca whale is caught and hooked up, slightly deflated, on deck of boat. (*Relates to insight from August 6?)

August 6 dream:  Woman model sitting across from me. I see her pictured in many photos in the newspaper I’m reading. She says she’s having a tough time at work and asked if I was. I was about to deny. Then remembered I was. Later big dark guy comes to our hose. Says he’s going to kill us. Then Tom C. appears in the doorway with a weapon.

August 5, 2021:  In ’til 2ish. Take #29 and #38 to VA. Cute Asian guy gets on #29. I switch seats to get a better view of him. After a while, I notice he has painted fingernails. That excites me. After he gets off, he stays standing at the bus stop. See “Past Perfect.” VA appointment with Alex in Neurology. He is very cute and sweet. I say at the end of our session, “I hope I see you again.” He says a friend of his recently moved to the Ingleside neighborhood. Walk down to Balboa Street. See “Pitch Perfect.” Go to Simple Pleasures Café. Meet very cute young baristo. He is brown-haired with blond streaks. He found the banana nut bread I asked for and said he prefers the lemon bread. I say, “That’s too sweet for me.” He says, “Yeah, it is sweet…like me.” I make a point of saying good-bye to him. #29 home.

August 5 dream:  In early session of economics class. We had to decide which kind of economics we wanted to write about. Most of us needed more info. I had to leave early. Ate some chocolate.

August 5 dream:  Spill a whole bunch of aspirin and coffee(?). Start picking it up.

August 4, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Talk with Ladi at C.S. Reading Room again. He prints something out for me. Justin at Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa. Just miss bus. Catch next #43. Peter is sitting in back. We talk and walk and talk, mostly about the Delta variant. Insight: Sex is not that important to me. This insight makes me feel horrible. Like I’m a failure of a person. Then angry.

August 4 dream:  Filing out forms with loopholes (h.o.)

August 4 dream:  Deposed president. I try to take him to safety. We go into nearest closet. People immediately know he’s there. And pound on the walls.

August 3, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. See J-lookalike on bike on Ocean Avenue. Go to G.P. Lee’s father wearing Hawaiian shirt. I asked him if they are going to Hawaii. He does a little hula for me. C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 home. See Peter. Talk with him about the Giants game he went to. Follow hot looking guy in T-shirt into W.F. Walking out, he bends over to pick something up for my benefit. Meet 2nd Isaiah on way out. Shits at 6 p.m. on arriving home. Insight: Me standing up to beautiful men (*see diary of August 2) is like me standing up to my father. (Both my father and beautiful men had or have power over me.) Just ’cause you can take something doesn’t mean you should. Just ’cause you can do something doesn’t mean you should.

August 3 dream:  Visit England and France. Think of moving there. Then Chris H. visits us in N.Y. As he leaves, I walk him out. Then I’m on a bus with him and I see that all the people there are dead. I break open a window. Green slime spills down (h.o.)

August 2, 2021:  Get up early and can’t get back to sleep. Shits just before heading out the door at about 11:30 a.m. for therapy appointment. At end of appointment, my therapist was talking about internalized homophobia as an aspect of my psychological makeup. I finally realized that the reason I didn’t affirm all the opportunities I’ve had for sex with beautiful men in my life is indeed because of internalized homophobia. Not on my part, but on the part of the beautiful men offering me sex. What these men were offering me was not sex as the culmination of a relationship, but sex without any relationship at all. And that’s pretty homophobic. As if that’s all we deserve. All we can expect. All we can hope for. And the condemnation I feared with many of these invitations for sex was not from God, not from my father, but from my own internalized voices demanding conformity with the standards which I knew were expected of me if I wanted to be accepted as a member of the community. So that’s a big deal. Walk to Starbucks at 18th Street and Castro. Then passed J’s bar and walked up Market to #43 bus stop. #43 home. Take nap.

August 2 dream:  Job ending soon. My female boss is going off, too, She wants to wish us lives of dwarfism. She’s about to explain.

August 2 dream:  At new job as secretary, my new young male bosses squeeze into my small office. They say, “Guess what? You’re not bankrupting the company and the girls (the other secretaries) are out.”

August 1, 2021:  Insight: Realize that what I’m really afraid of is not COVID, not he vaccine, but my own sexuality. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. 7-week-old pit bull makes love to my legs. 7-month-old German Shepard hugs me. Both on San Benito Avenue. It’s Jerry Garcia Day at Peet’s W.P. They’re playing his records on a phonograph. On exiting, see young man reading a book. I say, “Is that a good book?” He says, “I don’t really like science fiction.” It’s called Pietro Maestro or something like that. It feels like the conversation is over, so I leave…very happy. Walk up Ulloa. Take #43 home. Hear guy in back seat of the bus say to girl on the other side, “Is that a good book?” Start Week 4 of Schubiner work.

August 1 dream:  Spending evening alone in big old Saratoga house. Watched TV with no commercials. At about 11:30 p.m. started to feet unsafe.

July 31, 2021:  Talk with Heather in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Lee at G.P. Daniel at C.B. Walk to Safeway. Nur not there. Walk home.

July 31 dream:  Driving up the coast. Run out of gas about half way.

July 30, 2021:  Sarah calls at 2ish.  In ’til 3ish. Shits at 3ish. Walk to W.P. Little Asian boy holds out his hand for me to high-5 which I do. Go to Peet’s. Walk up Ulloa. Hear and see hawk. Go to M.S. See beautiful young man with dark hair and red hoodie on walk to bus stop. #43 home. Insight: I’m not terrified of the vaccine. I’m terrified of my sexuality. (*Relates to last dream of July 29? And relates to some of the dreams of July 30?)

July 30 dream:  I roll a 7 and an 11.

July 30 dream:  As I leave the house, General Curtis LeMay talks to me about how much smoke there is in the air and in the house.

July 30 dream:  Black guy looking on in triumph at intersection.

July 30 dream:  Set up person selling dresses.

July 30 dream:  I save two sunny-side up eggs. Woman says she can take them home with her and then she sticks her fingers in the yolks.

July 29, 2012:  Rough nite last nite. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Talk to Ladi at C.S. Reading Room. My happy baristo at Peet’s. I learn his name is Justin. I think I’ve found my new café. Walk up Ulloa to #43 home. Memory: Remember girl in mediation group about 10 years ago who came on to me. I demurred ’cause I thought it might jeopardize my friendship with Bob M.

July 29 dream:  Nancy finds my water-logged checkbook on the ground underneath bench and says, “And that’s where your value is as well.”

July 29 dream:  Dream of things aligning.

July 28, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. My happy baristo at Peet’s. I talk with him briefly. He is beautiful, biracial and friendly to everyone. Walk up Ulloa. #43 home. Blond guy suddenly walks thru two parked buses. I watch him walk away. And eventually follow him. Have to run to catch up. I ask him an inane question, “Where does this street lead to?” He repeats my question. I said, “Yes.” He said, “It leads to Monterey and then to Glen Park.” I said, “Oh, okay.. Thanks.” But a lot of unspoken communication went on underneath those inane words. (*Relates to last dream of April 7, I think.) I was so excited by my interaction with this young man that I went home and jerked off. This time with no blood. Insight: Realize my pain may be a rite of initiation.

July 28 dream:  Everybody masked up in grocery store. Woman asks me what I think of Joe Biden. I start describing another Joe. And have to go back and think about Biden. (h.o.)

July 28 dream:  Spending the nite at Barty Bram’s. Take shower in a.m. Can’t find clean towel. Barry suggested we all go without clothes in the bathroom.

July 28 dream:  Walking down Market at nite after a big event. Run into J-lookalike. He isn’t J. he asks me for a cigarette. About to go into store. Then don’t. Run into two gay guys I saw in church earlier in the day. I help them slide a bed frame down some stairs in the apartment below which has a beautiful view of S.F.

July 28 dream:  See Bernie at train or bus station. He just had work done on his eyes so he can’t see. I say, “Hello. I saw you earlier in the day.” He says, “I can’t see. Tell me what you look like.”

July 27, 2021:  Video showing black guy on bike coming into Chinatown and telling the Chinese to go home. One Asian guy knocked him to the ground. Made me feel great! In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear hawk on exiting. Hear hawk on Amber Drive. #43 home. Schubiner work day 17.

July 27 dream:  Me and Tom doing janitorial work at Catholic Church. Tom says he thinks he’ll give some of his money to them ’cause they do good work. I see a couple of mice. Then 3 or 4 big nice who are not intimated by my kicking. Earlier: Me peeing.

July 27 dream:  Continue on path. Pass goats. It’s wetter now. Lots of young school boys in royal blue tops jumping off cliff. I’m just trying to find my way down.

July 26, 2021:  Therapy session at 12:30. Walk home via Market and have coughing and sneezing fit. See hot guy with tats and muscles at Duboce. He looks hard at me and vice versa. Then see young Asian-ish guy at upper Market parklet. Go to 18th Street Starbucks. Lock eyes with cute Asian baristo. Walk by J’s bar. See Spike’s baristo on Market. He smiles at me. Try to catch up with cute young Asian guy wearing shorts near Portola and Clipper Streets. #48 and #43 home. Stop by W.F. See Nolan in bakery. Then run into Javier on the floor. He doesn’t look as interesting or as cute as when I first met him on July 24. Get help finding curry from Isaiah. Get several calls from anonymous source. Insight: I’m not trying to hide that I’m having sex with others but that I’m doing something–anything–for myself, to admit to myself and others that I have desires of my own.

July 26 dream:  Girl has miniature of camp she used to go to.

July 26 dream:  Spend day t my cousin’s house. One of the women there has been diagnosed with AIDS.

July 25, 2021:  Break blood bluster while jerking off. Gives me bloody dick. I’m sure it means something. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. No banana bread (or cute baristos) at Peets W.P. Walk on to M.S. Portola. Follow guy in store. Give up on him. Go to Starbucks Portola for the first time since June 4 when I was asked not to make personal comments about Anthony’s tight pants. Same barista who told me this came up to me at 5:45 and said, “We’re closing in 15 minutes.” #43 home. Meet Patrick from Safeway deli. We talk briefly.

July 25 dream:  Jumping into icy pool to get campaign button. May have smelled one as well.

July 25 dream:  We (me and Viv Harmon from Maude) get the check (for $100,000) to the man who’s going to cash it at the Bank of Mexico. We in N.Y go under Grand Central Station. Big black guy in floor-length dress gives us eclair. We say, “Now what?”

July 25 dream:  “It is my turn.”

July 25 dream:  A boy and his pet black bear are caught in a potential fire in a parking structure that wasn’t here 30 years ago. I was noticing beautiful couples and wondering if I would cherish J.?

July 24, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then see Lee at G.P Then Daniel at C.B. Then walk to Safeway. Nor there at first in white T-shirt looking very hot. But by the time I get to checkout, he was gone. #43 home. Meet Javiier, who works at W.F., as I approach my back door. He’s very friendly. Says he’s 22 and that I can always find him in the kitchen. I tell him I live upstairs. We bump elbows. Insight: How could I be so sexual and still be a man of God? Or a famous President? Or a Nobel Laureate? 2nd insight: My pain keeps me from having a big head. 3rd insight: If I get a big head, my father will kill me. 4th insight: “Sex” with my father and “sex” with Nancy was simply capitulation.

July 24 dream:  Telling my body to stop hurting. And it follow my direction like a whack-a-mole.

July 24 dream:  My female boss says there is a news story at Macy’s and if I jump out the window right now I can cover it.

July 24 dream:  Was over at Bill and Mary Floyd’s house. Had an emergency. Had to deliver man and several dogs out of oven-like womb. Later going to several restos and being told to change seats and wait.

July 24 dream:  Just now realizing that the glass I swallowed in my youth may be damaging to me now.

July 23, 2021:  Shits at 1:30ish. Realize “3 weeks” from April 6 may relate to “week 3” of the Schubiner work. Walk to W.P. Nice-looking young man in Adidas running pants on Miramar Street. Happy, good-looking baristo at Peet’s W.P. I smile at him. Watch him jump up and down in happiness while waiting for something to eat. Meet new author (Mastering Your Role as a Nonprofit Manager). Made me think that I might be next to get my first book published. As I leave Peet’s I say, “Thanks” to happy baristo. Walk up Ulloa. Hear guy say, “What are the odds?” See “Wonder.” #43 home. Run into Peter for the 2nd day in a row. We talk on bus and after.

July 23 dream:  Me and another man sitting at a table. I’m trying to animate him. (*Means: I seduced my father to bring him out of his state of torpor after my mother’s death?)

July 23 dream:  … man has a gun and a table. I take away the gun.

July 23 dream:  Go to group meeting which tries to drown out your emotions so you can hand out literature. Meet Bob Labansat there. Say hi. Then come back to get his phone number. Group says I should come back tomorrow nite again. Trish Haines comes up to Bob and hugs him. Bob suggests we go out for ice cream.

July 23 dream:  Rent a studio apt. in Santa Cruz for a month. I had planned to move there but not at that place.

July 23 dream:  Taking Tom C. home from some event. I told him I rented an apt. in Santa Cruz for a month.

July 22, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Then stop in at Peets. See two very cute baristos. Get happy. Think I’ll go there next time. Walk up Ulloa. Think, “I’d do anything to stop this pain.” Then realize that’s probably what I thought about my father as well. Older man, who looks somewhat like my father, smiles at me. Find Granville Street (*See diary of July 9.) Hear hawk. #43 home. See Peter after several weeks of not seeing him. We talk on bus and after we get off. He told me he went to Willkommen bar on Market Street.

July 22 dream:  Wondering if the ocean would let me bob on its surface. Trying to pack up to leave Liz’s before mountain lion comes down and attacks me. Laurie sits on my stuff. I try to grab her finger and she pulls away. She says, “You can’t get me” and I can’t seem to.

July 22 dream:  I’m not feeling well. Woman tries to help me. I’m laying on my back. My hair is messed up. I say to her, “Give me a little dignity.”

July 22 dream:  Moved back in for apartment painting on showroom floor. Carol Carter asks if I want coffee. I say, “Yes. But pour it in the cereal boxes.” She poured it on the cereal boxes. I say, “Never mind.” See big DIARY.

July 21, 2021:  Rough nite last nite. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Then up Ulloa. See “The roots run deep.” Later see good-looking Asian man and young boy. Lock eyes with Asian guy. Then walk up to #43 bus stop. The bus just passes. So I decide to go down Ulloa again and check out my Asian friend. This time he ignores me. Realize this is what happened with my father. It isn’t that he sexually assaulted me. It’s that he stopped sexually assaulting me. At first there is interest, but then he ignores me. So for the rest of my life I feel I am not good enough, not attractive enough. Which explains why I always go out of my way to let other men feel that they are beautiful enough. Also explains the tulpa from July 16. The universe is taking a stand and letting me know that I am attractive. I am manly. I am beautiful. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think. Also, to falling down on upper Market on July 19?) So I could never have sex with the men who offered ’cause my father said I wasn’t attractive enough. And if I wanted to retain my father’s love, I’d have to honor his view of reality. And if I dared, like with Cree, my father would get me.

July 21 dream:  I’m gong to be part of the show. Maybe doing the “Money Money Money” song. (h.o.)

July 21 dream:  Talking to miniature statue of me standing on my hands. In a church.

July 21 dream:  49ers lose 38-5 with poor attendance. Edith Bunker wants her voices back.

July 21 dream:  My boss leaning over me, giving me a hard time. Rumors of law firm I’m working at splitting up. Also rumors of a pay raise to $100,000 or $160,000.

July 20, 2021:  Shits at 3ish. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Then walk up Ulloa to M.S See “Sir Allen.” Walk away. Then walk back and ask him if they have yogurt with lemon on the bottom. He’s very helpful. Later woman crossing Portola smiles at me. #43 home. Two beautiful young skateboarders get off. I get off six stops early so I can witness them skateboarding down Monterrey. Which I do. Get next #43 home. Schubiner day 11 unsent letter to Sara W. (and my mother).

July 20 dream:  Walk thru building where gym used to be. See several familiar faces. Some still very cute. As I exit, guy walks up to me and says, “So how are we going to get rid of Nixon?”

July 19, 2021:  Leave about 11:30 for therapy appointment downtown. Good-looking guy at Castro Muni Metro Station who didn’t get on the train. Therapy with Troy at 12:30. He seemed really hung up on the experience I had with a tulpa at C.B. on July 16. (*See first dream of July 18.) Walk home via Castro. Stop at 18th Street Starbucks. Do crossword puzzle. Walk up 18th Street. As I’m thinking that the young man and his dog refusing to go to his (the dog’s) place of trauma (the mailbox) related to my terror last night trying to get to sleep. (*See diary of July 18.) Guy smiles at me as I am thinking this. Walk up Market. Slip and fall on upper Market. #43 home. Nice old guy and I talk about Hemingway, Steinbeck, Salinger, etc.

July 19 dream:  Moving everything out right now. Somebody says if we’d planned this right, we could have moved out according to Jesus’s teachings. (h.o.)

July 19 dream:  Someone trying to interpret three dreams at the same time. One involved a black man, one with someone with a COVID mask on.

July 18, 2021:  Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. Realize hier’s J&J warning triggered a panic attack and may have been intentional on the part of Infinite Mind to get me to look at something in me that I need to throw out (i.e., panic attacks). In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Then up Ulloa to L.H. Blvd. See young man and his dog. He tells me that his 4-month-old dog is afraid of the mailbox ’cause of something that probably happened when he was a puppy. #43 home. Two guys get on. After they are seated, I look back. The younger one gets excited, only for a brief moment. I follow them out at my stop. They turn on loud rap music. Insight: Felt leg weakening on my walk to W.P. Later realized I was just being “obedient” to what the authorities expected the symptoms would be for the latest J&J warning. Then the leg weakening stopped.

July 18 dream:  TYT’s John Iadorola at his previous job wearing a cloth on his head. Alleyways of S.F. Resto named the Pyramid. I think S.F. was great in those old days. I have car I was driving. It was a car stolen by a woman friend of mine, baby blue. I thought, “She shouldn’t do that…steal cars.” Car got hit. I continue running. I’m running near church at night. Old man, the rector, in his robes, goes to unlock his church door. I think, “It must be nice to be able to talk about God and never have to confront Him.” I slip on wet sidewalks and fall into the air. I think I better Translate. So I start in: “Truth is that which is so. That which is not Truth is not so. Therefore Truth is all that is.” A voice says, “What’s the matter?” And I say, “We never did talk about . . .“ I land on the grass near a train track. The train stops. I get up. The conductor sees that I’m okay. And the train starts up again. (*Relates to my therapist’s non-acceptance of the experience I had with a tulpa at C.B. on July 16. My therapist was the rector in the dream, I think.)

July 18 dream:  Man drives me up to Stanford. The mature Stanford. Very nice area of S.F. I was folding blanket. I asked him where the nearest commercial area was. He got on top of me, sitting on me, facing me. Tried to put his finger in my butt. I said, “Don’t.” Then I thought, “Oh, this guy’s going to rape. me.” There was someone to my right side. (*Relates to my father “raping” me back in our Menlo Park home?)

July 17, 2021:  Read about new J&J warning in a.m. It freaks me out (again). And just a day after I had cancelled the VA appointment and then play acted what might have transpired there. Translation group at 11 a.m. Sarah calls after. Haircut appointment at 3 p.m. with Jun. I showed him a photo of a shirtless Asian model in Out magazine and asked if it was him. He said yes and went talked about how how much they paid him and how much they would have paid without pants and without underpants. It was fun. Sarah called again, just as I was leaving. Brenden at Safeway. Walk home. Do Day 8 of Schubiner work. Very helpful.

July 17 dream:  Running out of food at big catering service.

July 17 dream:  Cat looks in window. I put my nose to the window hoping to scare him off. He jumps in through the upper open part of the window.

July 16, 2021:  Cancelled VA neurological appointment. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Copy Edge. Cute Asian guy on Ocean coming and going. Then Excelsior library. Think about cancelling my VA appointment. Think maybe I should play act what might have happened. Woman smiles at me. In my play act, VA says, “We don’t know what causes your pain. We just want to block it.” Then G.P. Then C.B. Daniel baristo. I sit next to middle-aged woman. She makes me feel really attractive. Uncomfortable, but really attractive. As she leaves, she smiles slyly. Also, the woman who left looked different from the woman I sat next to. Walk to G.C.P. See “Out of thin air.” #43 home. See “Healthier days ahead.” Watch The Good Lord Bird video in p.m. (*Relates to July 10 dream about it snowing in Kansas.) Note to God: I’m not up to the task. Don’t know what the task is exactly, but I’m not up to it.

July 16 dream:  Working in factory. Cleaning up actually. Calvin said I could have some of his lettuce. Then he put it someplace I couldn’t locate. Brief alarm. Nobody panicked. I question young girl about what she did. Then I say to others, “I keep forgetting she’s a young woman.” They say that’s okay.

July 16 dream:  Judge appointing a jury.

July 15, 2021:  In ’til 1ish. Take K to dental appointment. Walk back thru Castro. Unintentionally walk toward J’s bar. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) Walk to C.B. in G.P. Cute young Asian guy reading Game of Thrones. We talk briefly. He leaves immediately after we finish talking. BART & #29 home.

July 15 dream:  Working for British government as a secretary. Didn’t know who my boss was. Was finally given letter to type.

July 14, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk out apartment. Guy at apartment front door. I didn’t want to let him in so I leave via another door. Feed bad about it. Then run into beautiful dark-haired skateboarder, who I cruise mercilessly. (*Relates to hawks from hier, I think.) Walk on to Starbucks W.P. Seamus from Starbucks Portola there. Also Asian baristo. Then up Ulloa. Get suspicious call from “Our Revolution.” (*Relates to dead rat from hier?) Hear hawk on Ulloa. #43 home. Day 6 Schubiner work. Insight: My fear that I will be famous. Also, the J&J “pause” an act of God? Or at least what God would be like if I was Him/Her.

July 14 dream:  Woman kicks us out of spiritual organization we have all part of. Literally, tears us out of book.

July 14 dream:  Young coyote is …. Dripping liquid from his eyes and nose. Even young deer it is chasing is concerned. Coyote says something about young boy.

July 14 dream:  Opening a New Age book store. One of my readers is writing a detective story. I say, “Perhaps she should write another.”

July 13, 2021:  Insight: My desire to stay good looking is so I’ll still be of value to my father. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean. Turn around a couple of times for beautiful Asian man. Then stand behind young black man with tight pants and wonderful ass at W.G. Before I leave I check him out again. Walk up San Benito. Check out guy in muscle T-shirt and then I see hawk overhead. Followed by 2nd hawk. Go to Starbucks W.P. Up Ulloa. See dead rat in street. Go to M.S. Portola. Check out with Ed (my “haircut” friend). Insight: Pain throughout my body relates to God and my father trying to keep their hooks in me? Day 5 of Schubiner work. At end, see flash of white light. It kind of scares me.

July 13 dream:  Last nite at a gay camp of sorts. We were learning gay history. (h.o.)

July 13 dream:  We have moved into a new house after our Saratoga house. Harriet says we’re going to make this a real nice one, too. Dad is out in the driveway in his wheelchair. Guy in car in gravel driveway. I think that if he attacks, I’ll put myself between him and my father. My father heads over to a neighbor’s house.

July 12, 2021:  Take K to therapy appointment. Meet cute hooded, then unhooded, traveler across the aisle from me. I follow him to front of train. Then he moves to be closer to me. Then he gives me the look. Later hot cop in W.G. who yawns when I start checking him out. Good, not great, therapy session. #38 to Balboa Street. Little boy wearing “Unstoppable” T-shirt. Self-observation on #38. Saw myself turn on my phone but without my usual grandiosity, self-congratulation. Wondered if I could survive without. Think I could. Cute, hot guy I cruise at Cielito Lindo resto. He gives me hard look back. I smile. Then on to La Promenade Café. Then VA. Read more from Self Observation book. Cute Pakistani(?) doctor who said, “You’ve got the healthiest ear I’ve seen today.“ Standing next to me, his doctor pants feel like satin. Doc lets me look at video of my inner ear and nose. It’s amazing. Certainly something I had nothing to do with. #38 and #43 home. Day 4 of Schubiner work. Realize my body pains may be my father still trying to keep his hooks in me.

July 12 dream:  At about 4:45 librarian bills me $20. I say, “You’re going to close soon and you want $20 for the last 2 hours.” She says, “Yes.” I say, “And when do I reopen? At 5:20.” Earlier I mentioned being suicidal.

July 11, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Cute baristo still there. Also very nice barista. Walk up Yerba Buena to Monterey to Safeway. Check out with Nur even though he is “15 items or less” and I had over 30 items. He said he’d be taking a vacation in Palm Springs on Wednesday for a week. I said, “So I guess I won’t see you next Sunday.” He said, “But I’ll be back on Wednesday.” I think Nur is hot for me. #43 home. Day 3 of Schubiner work. Insight: Realize that my mother’s death was my Joseph being thrown into the pit moment. Followed by my refusal to have sex with Mrs. Potifer (several times). 2nd Insight: Being a slut is a lot more fun than being in a pit.

July 11 dream:  About 20 people attend workshop after class of about 100. Tom C. there. Also Nannie. Woman asks us to form two lines.

July 11 dream:  New York City during Vietnam War. Guy tries to attack me and a co-worker with a knife. I think my friend had a gun. Woman gets over loud speaker and talks anti-war.

July 11 dream:  Getting ready to go to dance. Accidentally pee on my shirt. Have to change it. My parents come in. And my grandmother. They want to “help.” They say I can’t just take my meals and eat them in my room. I say, “That’s your other son.” My grandmother says something about living with shyness. I agree with her.

July 10, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Call for (from?) John Pinkerton. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) In ’til 3ish. As I walk outside, see beautiful old, classic silver Rolls-Royce being driven by two men of color. I fantasize about being picked up by them, being stripped of my clothes and raped. I put up a good fight but I’m excited at the same time. After I climax, they throw me and my clothes out. Insight: Why I’m mad at God. (*See RHS of hier.) “You never told me about sex!!!” Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Daniel at C.B. really glad to see me. And vice versa. Walk thru G.C.P. #43 home. Day 2 of Schubiner work. Realize connection between the J&J pause and my father’s remarriage.

July 10 dream:  Chris H. and Calvin at fancy home. When my work was done, I went home. (h.o.)

July 10 dream:  I move to Kansas. Work on paper 9-5. It snows. I go to lunch.

July 9, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Talk with Nelson at W.G. Walk to Starbucks W.P. Cute Asian baristo there gives me my drink. Walk up Ulloa. Woman asks me if I know where Granville is. I think she was on Granville. Hear and see hawk near tree tops. Woman says, “Good luck with that.” I say, Thanks.” See “shakeup.” #43 home. Lock eyes with beautiful young man as I exit on my cell phone and he enters bus. Day 1 of Schubiner work. RHS God!!!

July 9 dream:  I drive into drive-in resto. Order meal. Guy walks into my car asking for ice water. I say, “Come on in. Stay a while.” He leaves.

July 8, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Visit with Nelson at W.G. Then go to Peets W.P. Then up Ulloa. Run into beautiful androgynous biracial person near W.P. Station. He smiled at me. I just kind of looked at him in awe. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Listened to Schubiner in p.m.

July 8 dream:  Watching movie. End up having to sit next to guy I’m mad at. He starts talking to me. I say, “I’m not talking to you.” Later get up for something.

July 8 dream:  Looking at things from great height. Driverless VW bug driving around.

July 8 dream:  In Translation, words lose their meaning over time. Girls in audience getting all doe-eyed over male singer.

July 7, 2021:  Shits at 3ish. Ingleside library. Walk to W.P. Go to Peets. Meet young man reading “Romeo & Juliet.” He says he’s a first year student at the Scottish Academy of Dramatic Arts. Walk to M.S. Portola. See “Sir Allen” and he seems me. I say to myself: “Let there be Truth Consciousness.” Insight: The place of ecstasy which I remember coming from might just have been the womb, not necessarily God. 2nd insight: Not just my fear of God which stopped me, but also my certainty of fame.

July 7 dream:  Ask a co-worker if we make files for positive cases. (h.o.)

July 7 dream:  I say to wealthy woman preparing for gala evening, “Are you ready for your big event?” She says, “I have to move a refrigerator to Edmonton first.” Then she talks about FDR, saying, “This is why he put science at the head.”

July 6, 2021:  Insight: Being a child of God means staying a child of God. 2nd insight: Perhaps my fear and trembling from April 19 was not fear of my father, but fear of God, or at least my childish idea of God. Got call at 9ish while my phone was turned off. Called back but was unable to get through. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. Walk to G.P. Then C.B. Sudoku there. Walk thru G.C.P., RHSing God all the way. #48 and #43 home. More insights: I have a mission from God but I don’t know what it is or what i’m allowed. Also: I remember the place I came from as being some sort of ecstasy. Did I make up my idea of God as just being a bigger version of my father? If so, no wonder I’m afraid of Him. Also: According to my understanding of my father and of my God, I can be anybody’s bitch, but I can’t be my own man.

July 6 dream:  I’m drinking with Laurie. She says of Harriet, her mother and my step-mother, “She’s got more control over us now then she ever did.”

July 6 dream:  Put long biscuit down bathtub drain. Dog gets it. I separate the two, but now I have a nice, cute dog.

July 6 dream:  Sitting in car. See hawk. Then yeti. Then two yetis. Then their two kids. Car comes up to us. Tries to get in back door which has a double lock, meaning we have to lock it twice. Guy gets door open, though he’s so close to our car that he can’t open it.

July 6 dream:  Cheryl C. leaves our table just as she arrives.

July 5, 2021:  Insight: My feeling of disloyalty to Thane by pursing A Course in Miracles relates to my “disloyalty” to God by loving John or anyone else. Therapy appointment at 12:30 with Troy. Remarkable session. We discussed the word omerta, the Mafia term for being a silent witness to a crime. At first, I thought it related to my keeping silent about my father’s physical or psychological abuse/misuse of me. During discussion I realized that the real silent pledge I had made was with God. And I dare not break that pledge or risk His wrath, or at least my childhood understanding of His wrath. Also that my image of God was a lot more anthropomorphic than I had thought. After session, walked to J’s place on Geary. The front door was open so I went upstairs. Knocked on door. No response. Left little pink note on table outside his apartment letting him know I had stopped by. (*Relates to shits form hier, I think.) Walk on to Starbucks 18th Street. Beautiful young man with beautiful ass walks in with elderly woman. He commands the attention of everyone in the place, or maybe it was just me. But I put everything down ’til they left. Walked up Market to #43 home. Realize body pain is my childhood’s concept of God saying to me, “You’re mine! Don’t think about loving anybody else!” Insight: Do I think of God as Hitler? (*See first dream of July 3. Also shaking with Cree, etc.) What gave me such a bad impression of God? Maybe the murder of my mother, my sexually abusive father, my step-family?

July 5 dream:  New design on sidewalk outside W.G. Ocean Avenue.

July 4, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Buy Sunday paper. Feel shitty. Walk home. Take shits. Leave home again. Meet new guy moving onto 3rd floor. Very nice. He says his girlfriend’s helping him move in. Walk to Safeway. Check out with Nur. He tells me he’s trying to go from 165 to 150 lbs. and build himself up from there. I think he’s too small already. #43 home.

July 4 dream:  Sleeping with some guys in a bed. I say, “it’s important what bed you sleep in. My bed’s not all that comfortable.” Young couple climb through the window. (h.o.)

July 4 dream:  We are … talking about defending Jesus and other religious leaders. I say, “Do you think Jesus needed defending?” Then add, “Well, he did get crucified.”

July 4 dream:  I say, “I’m not a good person.” (Therefore I don’t deserve John, etc.)

July 4 dream:  I’ve been on a long journey. Someone gave me a 6 foot pole.

July 4 dream:  Group of us gathered around to speak. I spoke. Some were funny. Some serious. Harvey Milk puts a book of photos on my crotch. Then on my stomach. Final guy got up and spoke about “our friend the rope.”

July 3, 2021:  Translation group at 9 a.m. Later listen to women speaking to Senator Ron Johnson (who’s about as empathetic as a fox in a hen house) on YouTube about the negative reactions they have experienced from taking the COVID vaccine. These women said, above all that they wanted to be listened to, that they wanted to be believed. But I would guess that this is not something new in their lives. That they have always wanted to be listened to, to be believed. And have not been. And that perhaps  these symptoms are just the latest (and most dramatic) manifestation of this desire. Same could be said of me. Perhaps they (and me) are hanging on to their (my) symptoms as proof of injury (injustice) in order to get somebody to finally listen to them (me) and to believe them (me). Finish online work. Take nap. Walk to Excelsior library. Then up Monterey. Buy lotto tickets. #43 home. Beautiful dark-haired guy at W.F. bakery department. Checkout with cute Asian guy named Min.

July 3 dream:  Woman gives me sedative after taking out whatever is in my ear. I say, “I wish you’d ask.” It’s Monday and we’re expecting Hitler and others to attend press conference on how to bring about peace. I want to make sure it gets in the gay papers on Thursday. Later realize that Hitler is probably dead and not going to show up.

July 3 dream:  Take BART to southern California. Try to get on train to Cal State Long Beach. Crazy old woman in wig is after me. My heart is pounding.

July 3 dream:  I am refereeing a game of pool. As the game progresses, there are no pockets and the balls turn into pieces of fruit. At the end I say, “This is beyond my training to figure out who’s winning.”

July 2, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Feel bad. Walk to G.C.P. Then Sir Allen, Maggie and Ed (my Asian haircut friend) at M.S. Danny. #43 home. Meet Dominic reading “The 2000s Made Me Gay.” I say, “The ’60s made me gay.” We exchanged info. He’s a writer for Riffmagazine.com. Get anonymous call when I get home.

July 2 dream:  Guy wins scholarship for his photography. I also get an honorable mention but I only submitted one photo. Cute guy hanging around. I think there’s some things a photo can’t capture.

July 1, 2021:  Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 1:30. #49 to 450 Sutter medical building. Very nice cute guy I view from the bus at Mission and Ocean. Consider getting off the bus. ENT appointment at 3 p.m. Walk back via J’s place on Geary. Get anonymous call shortly after. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Walk to Starbucks on 18th Street. Sit down for a while. Lots of people in the Castro. Film crew takes movie of me crossing Castro, I think. K home. Cute gay couple holding hands on Ocean.

July 1 dream:  At barbecue.

July 1 dream:  Forming friendship with girl who thinks I’m straight and into her. Several of us on top of tall building with railing overlooking shallow pool below. I’m uneasy about it, but others are cool with it. One guy leaning on the railing.

July 1 dream:  Picking a car depends on your childhood.

June 30, 2021:  Fire alarm, internet goes down, front door is wet with new paint. Everything is falling apart. I ask myself: When has this happened before. Answer: My mother’s death. Later hear “Expect the Unexpected.” Cute painter holding door open during fire alarm. We smile. Shits just before leaving at 3:40ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Sudoku at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Then #43 home. More insight: Not just me who wanted to fix things ASAP. Whole family did.

June 30 dream:  I’m putting glasses on. Leave out a couple with ice water and ice. I’m identifying a crime scene, I think. (h.o.)

June 29, 2021:  Rough nite. Hallway painters start at 8:48 a.m., just as I’m getting to sleep. Do my online work. Take nap on cot in bathroom. (*See nap dream of June 29.) Take #49 to 888 O’Farrell to view $1899/month studio apartment at 2:30 p.m. See two stunning skateboarders on Van Ness. The cuter one avoids my glance. Nice Asian guy helps me find studio on 11th floor. I’m not impressed with apartment. Walk around Polk Street area. Looks worse than ever. Down Van Ness. Up Market. Left on Valencia. Cruise cute young U-hauler. Walk to 18th Street Starbucks. No place to sit. So I walk on to C.B. at G.P. Get there at 4:30. They close at 5. Sudoku smiles at me. Tall, nice guy with tight-fitting clothes comes in. I follow him out. Then follow him as far as San Jose Avenue. See police car. Take that as sign that I’ve followed him far enough. #49 home. Insight: my addiction is hypochondria ’cause I’ve been traumatized.

June 29 nap dream:  White stuff coming out of my ear.

June 29 dream:  Moving boxes at work. Talk to woman on my right. On my left is Bruce. He’s a foreign student from Germany. We talk. Then we begin kissing.

June 29 dream:  Went to strange conference. Guy who ran it understood himself sexually. I got a seat next to Marilyn D. Someone asked her what she felt about the possibility of me being fired from work.

June 28, 2021:  Painful leg cramp last nite. Therapy session at 12:30. Then walk to Castro. Guy yelling “Why did you do it?” out of car turning from Market onto Dolores. Starbucks on 18th Street. Beautiful, non-responsive man in colorful outfit in front of BofA. Walk up 19th Street. Then turn around to see beautiful man again. He’s gone. Pass by J’s bar. Take K home. 3.9 earthquake.

June 28 dream:  Shakesperean actress saying, “O, my lovely mother, she’s no longer here.” Everyone is sitting on the floor. I crawl up near Tom C. and someone else imitating the actress. “O, my lovely mother, she’s no longer here.” Make Tom laugh. He says, “Want to get together at 5:15?” I say, “Yes.” He says, “There may be somebody else with us.” I say, “Okay.”

June 27, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Talk with Joan at W.G. Go to Starbucks W.P. Sat inside! Walked up Monterey to Safeway. Check out with Nur. Student group filming a movie at Gennessee and Monterey. #43 home.

June 27 dream:  Woman wants to buy one of our store’s Mexican face masks. I look around but we’re all sold out. We had 3 or 4 hier.

June 27 dream:  Bernie very excited about going to see a singer. I think, “How can he be so happy? He’s old and ugly.”

June 26, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Cute guy on Staples taking with older man. I stare at him with love. He responds. Cyclist on Monterey who paused while I admired him. Guy in garage on Diamond. Go to C.B. Daniel there. Also noxious Latina couple. Walk thru G.C.P. Then #43 home. My Avalon key chain falls apart on getting home. Shits on walking in the door. (*Relates to John viewing my diary?) Call FedEx and Adidas. Am able to be calmer with Adidas woman than with FedEx gal who just blew me off. Insight: I wanted to get back at Adidas. I wanted revenge. What is that showing me? Perhaps I want to get back at my father.

June 26 dream:  Getting ready to do a talk for The Prosperos. Woman approaches me with all sorts of things to remember. I say, “I can’t deal with those things now. I’ve got a talk to do. I’d think you’d know that.”

June 26 dream:  I’m in the audience watching a series of skits. Realize that I’m the new head of the school. Last skit about Communist China. And white women in gray skirts are sitting on top of people. There is little applause. I’m not so sure China is the bad guy.

June 26 dream:  Taking a bar exam of sorts. Duncan a traitor or not?

June 25, 2021:  Ontology group online at 9 a.m. 6 women and me. Call from “social worker” about my assault on June 23. I feel punk’d. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Now partially open. Friendly, beautiful woman at doorway. Cute patron inside. Walk to G.P. Talk with Lee. He says he thinks music critic Kosman is anti-Asian. I say, “You should write him a letter.” Go to C.B. Daniel there with heavy eye make-up. Walk thru C.G.P. Hawk on Amber Drive circles me. Shop at M.S. #43 home. Too late for Prosperos Roundtable. Re-order Adidas pants which they said were delivered on June 17, but never arrived at my doorstep.

June 25 dream:  Come in from a very drunken wild nite. My pants are split down the middle. I’m walking behind someone as my father approaches us. Woman narrator says he has a very important relationship to me. (h.o.)

June 25 dream:  Preparing online application. Leave extra space under “AIDS.” (h.o.)

June 24, 2021:  Wait for K train. See beautiful young man smoking a cigarette at Beep’s Burgers parking lot. i pass by him and as soon as I pass him I return to my train stop. Later when the train arrives, I see him kind of dancing to pick up his order. Take K to Church. Walk to Love Haight Computers. Black guy greets me in CVS. Pick up computer for $99, not the $199 they told me over the phone. Walk to Castro. Stop briefly at Spike’s and speak with manager there who asked me, “Are you the iced tea guy?” Walk to G.P. Get call from guy who refers to himself as John Pinkerton. I say, “That name sounds familiar.” (*Relates to assault from homeless guy hier, I think.) Later see “success” on Diamond Street. Go to C.B. Then Canyon Market. Cute attractive grocery worker there. Also beautiful woman at sandwich counter. Decide to take #44 to M.S. Sit at bench next to young guy. I ask him, “Are you waiting for the #44?” He says, “Yes. We’ve got 26 minutes ’til the next bus so I was going to ask if I could talk with you.” I say, “Sure.” He says, “When were you born?” We talk for about 10 or 15 minutes. He’s a sophomore at Lowell H.S. Wants to go to Stanford to study environmental science. He says it’s the cause of his generation. As soon as we get on the bus, he is wildly greeted by some friends. I get off on Portola and take #43 home.

June 24 dream:  Sleeping with cat.

June 24 dream:  Fear woman we invited over may be a danger

June 23, 2021:  Get on K train to downtown. Homeless black guy hits me in the face. Then returns to his seat. I report him. Bus driver calls police. He describes me as 75, about 180 pounds. (I don’t think I look 75, but I do think I look 180 pounds.) Cops come. It takes about ½ hour. Proceed to 2 p.m. dental appointment for possible TMJ inflammation. Dr. Adame spends a lot of time with me. Then go to Love Haight Computers. Have to leave my laptop for 2-3 days to get my speaker fixed. Walk to Castro. Feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Stop at Starbucks 18th Street. Use restroom there. Walk to G.P. Go to C.B. Then BART home. Get call that my laptop will be ready tomorrow at noon! Yay!

June 23 dream:  Walking in the rain. Bump into Asian guy. He thinks about fighting me, but then thinks again.

June 22, 2021:  Call VA for another ENT appointment. In ’til 3ish. Walk part way to G.P. Then return home to shit. Then back to G.P. Give Lee article by Joshua Kosman, music critic for S.F. Chron. Go to C.B. Walter L. there. We talk briefly. As I’m leaving cute ramrod straight guy dressed in full camo comes in. I say, “Are we being invaded?” He says, “No, that would be difficult since I’m a submarine officer.” Walk thru G.C.P. Then #43 home. Word tracking: Listen leads to loud leads to glory leads to well-known. Insight from Gabor Maté:You are more important than your attachments.  Not true as a kid. True qs an adult.

June 22 dream:  Climbing on ancient stone structure which is kind of shaky. Others already inside.

June 21, 2021:  12:30 therapy appointment. I shared with Troy (my therapist) my diary entry of June 17: Gabor Maté saying that we only choose partners with an equally unresolved trauma. And my certainty that John had read this. He asked me what I thought John’s trauma might have been. I said I didn’t know. Later I thought that John and I both share the conviction that our beauty is deeply tied to our lovability, our worth. Walked thru Mission to the Castro. Starbucks on 18th Street. Cute, friendly guy smiles at me at Castro and 22nd Street. Continue to G.P. Daniel  at C.B. BART home. Made appointment to see ear doctor.

June 21 dream:  Sitting on the floor with Nancy and Laurie. Feeling loved. Nancy talks about going to Santa Rosa J.C.

June 21 dream:  Stick key in door. It’s already open. Someone inside says, “Hello there.” I panic and try to run away but can hardly move.

June 20, 2021:  In ’til 4:30ish. Walk down Ocean to W.G. Buy Chron from my friend there. Up to Monterey to Safeway. Win whole cooked chicken ’cause I’m standing on No. 4. I give it to woman there since I’m a vegetarian. Nice store manager (who gave me the chicken). Try to get in line of cute guy with glasses. As soon as I arrive, he leaves. Listen to more Gabe Maté on YouTube. Feel better. Insight: Realize I was never all that interested in sex with men. What I wanted with a man was a loving home.

June 20 dream:  Realize I’m late for work. Have trouble waking up.

June 20 dream:  Sister in need of new blood. Other sister diluting it for her by swinging a can of it.

June 19, 2021:  Insight: God (or my father) cannot be relied on. Translation group at 9 a.m. 5 in attendance. Walk to G.P. Pass Jun at work on the way. Have long conversation with Lee at G.P. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Go to C.B. Jay not there. Daniel is baristo. Hot straight guy standing in line. Walk to G.C.P. Then M.S. Young Asian straight guy with nice body who I admired. Went to other side of the store. He followed me over. Check out with “Sir Allen.” Really cute little boy and his slightly older brother with their father. #43 home. Only vacant seat was across from cute young Asian guy standing in an unconsciously provocative stance. He gets off at Yerba Buena Avenue. Insight: Dissociation = disembodiment. Healing = reconnection.

June 19 dream:  I’m on my way to the movies. Guy on bus asks me if I want to go to the movies with him.

June 19 dream:  Getting ready for program in auditorium. I told a very young Leigh that she could sit next to me.

June 18, 2021:  Email VA about my J&J reaction. Feels good, like I’m reporting on what my father did to me back in the ’50s. Nobody will believe me but I’m reporting it anyhow. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Then C.B. Jay not there. Daniel is baristo. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk circles me. #48 and #43 home. Prosperos Roundtable at 5:30 p.m. Suzanne says, more or less, that consciousness did not begin evolving until the women’s movement. Insight: My pain coming not from fear, but from self-punishment to make up for the behavior of my father.

June 18 dream:  Help Mr. Humphreys (from “Are You Being Served?”) into his small new shoes.

June 18 dream:  Return to my rooming house where I lived before. Lots of people outside my door walking past and talking to me. Cute gay guy shows me how to roll up my T-shirt sleeves. See two old Olympic swimmers.

June 18 dream:  Fly into New Orleans. Go to book opening party featuring Hillary Clinton, put on by the mob. At the end they drop massive water balloons from the building. People who try to leave are met up with mobsters in the street. Fortunately they didn’t know me or stop me.

June 17, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Leave home. Come back to shit. Leave again. Go to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then C.B. Jay is there again. We talk more. He “accidentally” lifts his shirt. He’ll be starting MBA program at Stanford in September. Was raised in Brentwood part of L.A. Walked to L.H. Blvd. #43 home. RHS my father (re-manifesting itself in my adulthood as my reaction to the J&J “pause.”) and Gabor Maté’s idea of attachment vs. authenticity: I blame myself to maintain my attachment to my father. Gabor Maté also says we always choose partners who have an equal level of unresolved trauma. Get LinkedIn request from Tom C.

June 17 dream:  Guy (me?) put in outdoor prison for 23 months. Some interesting people around. Guy says, “The statue will stay up for 3-1/2 years and when it comes down, all sorts of hell will break lose.

June 17 dream:  Condo in Vallejo for $100,000

June 16, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Big load of books and DVDs. Walk to G.P. Then C.B. Meet Asian guy named Jay. He’s reading “The Open Society and its Enemies” by Karl Popper. It’s a big book. We talk for a while. Then break. Then talk again as he leaves. He says, “Do you live here in Glen Park?” I go into my long explanation. He says, “I live here in Glen Park.” I said, “Well, If you come here , I’ll see you again.” (*Later realized this related to the hawk from hier on Amber Drive, I think.) As I was walking to my bus stop, I was thinking about Jay and two young guys smiled at me. White waiting for #43, John lookalike on bike. #43 home. Watched Romeo & Juliet on YouTube in p.m. Cry when Mercutio is stabbed. Also when Romeo and Juliet stab themselves.

June 16 dream:  Harriet trying to light her cigarette lighter. It doesn’t work. I stick my hand in to try to help. She grabs it.

June 16 dream:  Having breakfast at place. Sit across from cute guy I’d seen before. Earlier sleeping in train across from guys, one of whom had a hard-on even larger than mine. John was among that group, but he looked forlorn and kind of out of it.

June 15, 2021:  Jerk off in a.m. in ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Guy at Diamond & Circular. I wait for him to cross. He waits ’til I continue walking. C.B. Barista has no biscotti and no banana bread. I leave no tip. Buy banana bread next door at Canyon Market from snarky barista there. Walk thru G.C.P. Shadow of hawk, then hawk passes over me from behind on Amber Drive. Go to M.S. Then to L.H. Blvd. Guy there who I check out but only briefly. #43 home. Insight: My “contribution” to S.F is like my “contribution” to my family, like my “contribution” to God.

June 14, 2021:  12:30 therapy appointment. As I leave, I share that while we were having a casual conversation, at moments, I wanted to just bolt. Later I realized that I wanted to bolt ’cause I feared my therapist might just make a move on me, just like my father did. #38 to VA. Stay on for two stops to follow cute guy to W.G. He gives man some money. I say, “That was nice of you.” We have short conversation. Stop at La Promenade Cafe before VA. Then get my ear wax removed at VA. Walk down Clement and then down 14th Avenue. Trip and fall on wooded path. Run into Fred Cline in front of botanical garden. Go to 9th & Irving. Think it might be fun to take N to Cole Valley. See cute guy at stop. Look at him briefly. Then try to catch his eye again. He doesn’t look up but his girlfriend does. Later I realize that maybe that was all that was needed. No longer interested in going to Cole Valley. Stop at local Starbucks. Then #43 home.

June 14 dream:  Train slowly passing crowd of people. It stops just short of convenient place for guys at the head of the crowd. (h.o.)

June 14 dream:  Coming in on train, taking lots of photos of houses on the hills. Guy behind me hugging me shirtless. As we arrive lots of people on balconies in costumes. When we get in, guy behind me has shirt on and is walking away.

June 13, 2021:  RHS workshop at 3 p.m. 5 people attend. Alex still defending Trump. Walk down Ocean to 7-11 for Sunday paper. Then up to Monterey to Safeway. Check out with Nur and Christin. Nur buying Mentos. I joke, “Don’t they give you free food here?” #43 home.

June 13 dream:  Leave message for #302. He was supposed to meet me but he didn’t.

June 13 dream:  Think of buying Harriet’s $50 portable TV set. Then we decide to split it 3 ways. Want to send Xmas cards to special friends.

June 13 dream:  B&W document about NY Tenderloin. Miss the guys walking around in Speedos.

June 12, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Talk with Lee. Then Daniel at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. On exiting, see people kind of dancing on top of hill. When I get there, they are gone. To M.S. “Sir Allen” there but he didn’t see me or didn’t look. Talk with my older Asian friend at checkout. He told me he just got a haircut to be ready for a wedding on June 26. #43 home.

June 12 dream:  Trouble getting things done in the office/kitchen. Trying to make a milkshake, split pea soup, and send a letter.

June 12 dream:  Get off train. Say hello to all the people I meet in the office.

June 11, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Then C.B. Daniel there. Walk to G.C.P. See large mouse/small rat on Poppy Lane. He is perfectly still. I think he might be dead. I touch him with the bottom of my canvas bag. He moves. He doesn’t run but just looks up at me sort of dazed. (*Relates to me mailing back hand-written note which I received under the door when I was house-sitting at 833 Clayton on September 30, 2017. The note said: “Hi Beautiful Soul! The Universe loves you. Your presence is a gift to be cherished and it is honored! Thank you for simply existing (heart) You are loved + blessed – (heart) – your angels (heart)”) Walk to #43 stop. #43 home. Sit across from my Plymouth Avenue friend. We talk and I walk with him to my front door. He works at UCSF genetics lab. His name is Peter. Prosperos Roundtable later. About 9 people in attendance. We discussed trying to get left and right to talk to each other. I didn’t agree but was too tired to really talk about. (*Relates to first dream of Jun 8, I think.)

June 11 dream:  Being fucked by cute young Mexican sales clerk, with very nice ass.

June 10, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Fed Ex in G.P They can’t take my package either. Got madder than I should have. Go to Cafe Bello. Look up new FedEx places. Call them to make sure they’ll accept my package. Take BART to 16th Street. Walk to Duboce and Market. Wait in line at FedEx. Feels like the post office. Walk to Castro. Guy on bike on Market asks me for $2. I say no. He says, “It must be tough being poor and old.” I yell back, “And good-looking!” Walk thru Castro. Strange though attractive guy on 18th Street. Then up Market to Portola to #43 bus stop. #43 home. In p.m. beautiful guys who I thought were movers hier turn out to be water inspectors. I open my door. They are standing there. They ask if they can come in and inspect my pipes. I say, “Sure.” My pipes are fine. They seem like good-looking brothers. I’m in love again.

June 10 dream:  1962 civil rights demonstration outside White House. Hubert Humphrey blows smoke out the window into somebody’s face. Black guy talks about 12 years. LBJ in the White House.

June 9, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Joke with Lee about his writing for the Chron. Cafe Bello. Sudoku there. G.C.P. M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” His “Sir Allen” name tag is missing. He says he lost it. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Maggie also there at other checkout line. #43 home. Talk with young guy reading “God of the Upper Air”. Stay on one stop beyond my usual stop. Then my friend at W.G. who told me he couldn’t accept by FedEx package. Will try FedEx G.P. tomorrow. Two beautiful movers on 3rd floor.

June 9 dream:  I’m sitting on floor next to woman who is trying to heal me. She says, “Do you watch Fox news?” I say, “Oh, heck, no.”

June 8, 2021:  In’ til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then Lee at G.P. Then Cafe Bello. Sudoku there. They close 3 minutes after I get there. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk on Arbor Drive. #43 home. Cute guy with mustache, long hair and nice smile walking his dog on Hearst Street. I get off bus but can’t catch up with him (or his dog).

June 8 dream:  Tell woman I’m working with that I’m going to take off early. She says she’ll have to report it. I say, “Okay. I’m just really tired.”

June 8 dream:  Prosperos students have store on mall. Angry customer demands to be taken care of. Me and Janet C. agree with her. William F. thinks she’s being too hard.

June 8 dream:  Was visiting Tom O. in L.A. It’s raining. Even in the Valley, where Tom lives. He offers to drag my one wheel bike behind him. I say, “Why don’t I just follow you in my motorbike?” I go back to where I took it apart and the man there had “misplaced” it.

June 7, 2021:  Therapy appointment at 12:30 p.m. Walk back via Castro. Go to Starbucks on 18th Street. Two really cute baristos. Friendly guy at Walter Haas Playground who I went out of my way to encounter. He waved first. Continue to Cafe Bello in G.P. Sudoku there. Insight: Maybe the fear with John in ’87 was my fear of admitting to myself what happened with my father.

June 7 dream:  I drop my bag. Dog races to pick it up for me.

June 7 dream:  Go over to woman’s house to eat. I pick up 3 pieces of toast which had fallen on the floor. She has little wiener dog in small glass container. I say to someone, “I love that dog.” He says he hates it.

June 7 dream:  I’m supposed to buy donuts on Sunday. Guy asked me if I would take picture of him at the “Men’s Room” bar in the Mission.

June 6, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Try to take nap but apartment above is unrolling carpet or something. Later I see guy at elevator who I think might be from that apartment. He looks mean. I Translate him. My conclusion: “Truth is one infinitely thoughtful Person.” Walk down Ocean. See Asian friend from May 30. Buy Sunday paper at 7-11. Up to Monterey and down to Safeway. Check out with Nur. Boy, is he beautiful and sweet. We compared vaccine symptoms. He said he only had arm pain. I said, “I think I’m still suffering symptoms.” #43 home. Find out in p.m. that Aunt Joanne had died in the early a.m.

June 6 dream:  I’m serving tape group snacks and information. (h.o.)

June 6 dream:  Take one and a half hours off from work. When I come back, there’s lots of documents to sort. Also a new female employee.

June 5, 2021:  Translation group at 9 a.m. 4 attended. Shits at 11 a.m. Insight: Realized that hier’s shock at Starbucks probably relates to my fall on Market Street on May 24. (*It took two days for my hand to heal. Will perhaps take two days for my psyche to heal from the shock of hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Fun guy there reading “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”. Said I looked like a Zonka, a tough Polish football player. Go to Cafe Bello in G.P. Daniel there is baristo. I think I knew him from before the pandemic. He’s a psych student at S.F. State. Walk thru G.C.P. Trip on tree root as I exit. See “end” on sidewalk. Go to Creighton’s. Don’t go to Starbucks. I gawk at beautiful guy in shorts walking his dog at #43 stop. He smiles. #43 home.

June 5 dream:  Two guys in suits showering in adjacent shower stalls.

June 5 dream:  Home explodes.

June 5 dream:  Standing in line with a group of men to tell our dead fathers that we love them. Expect to see John, not in line, but at the event, as he’s been there before.

June 4, 2021:  In ’til 3:30. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to CVS, hoping to see Pat. He’s not there. Go to M.S. Try to get in Sir Allen’s line but he evades me. Maggie says “hi” to me as I pass. Go to Starbucks. Barista there says, “We appreciate your comments, but not if they’re too personal.” Took me awhile to figure out what she was saying and why. I think she was referring to my comment to Anthony on June 2 when I asked him if he was wearing his tight pants. Was Anthony getting back at me for my comment on May 28 when I said I hadn’t noticed that he had taken off a few days. Beware a gay man scorned. (*Relates to fall on Market Street on May 24, I think.) Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 10 or 11 people. Joe says he’s feeling better. Sarah says big developments brewing.

June 3, 2021:  Monkeybrains guy installs my new ISP. Takes about 3 hours. I’m so thrilled to be rid of underachieving/overcharging AT&T. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to CVS Portola. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Bus comes right away. I had to rush to cap my drink and put on my mask. As I put my pass up to the reader, bus lurches forward. I fall and spill my drink all over the floor. Black guy gets mad. Young white guy looks at me with great love and concern. Later I realized he was my Plymouth Avenue friend. (*See diary of May 26.) I notice some spots from my drink on his shoe and say to him, “Looks like your shoe got hit.” He says, “They’re just shoes.” We talked a bit and he said good-bye as he got off the bus. I followed him as far as W.F., on top of which I live. (*Relates to shits from hier about 4ish, I think.)

June 3 dream:  Lots of regular earthquakes shake the house.

June 3 dream:  Playing basketball without a hoop with a shirtless Eric Newton and others. I grab him from behind and feel his naked torso.

June 3 dream:  Me and Liz Andrews going off to some dive bar during a break in class.

June 2, 2021:  Shits at 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Beautiful, sweet woman librarian there for 2nd time. G.P. G.C.P. Starbucks. Cessca and Anthony there. I ask Anthony, “Are you wearing your tight pants?’ He says, “What?” I asked him again. He pretended not to know what I was talking about. #43 home. Fire alarm in p.m.

June 1, 2021:  Bills. Monthly BB. Clicky off. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. then up Ulloa to Starbucks. Kaleb there. #43 home. See John and myself (and Irene Smith) in Metaphysical Alliance “AIDS Healing Service” YouTube video in p.m. (*Relates to tripping over coffee table last night, I think.) Tough nite trying to sleep. Lots of ear pain. Lots of Translating.

May 31, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Walk to Portola to Starbucks. Timothy and Anthony there. Anthony looking very hot in tight jeans. When I come in my mask is off so Anthony says, “Mike, will you put on your mask please?” Which I do. Then I say, “Now you know what my face looks like.” #43 home. Almost trip over coffee table in p.m.

May 31 dream:  Guy in military examining me got my name spelled wrong. He said I was getting too critical. I said, “Precision is important in the military.” He said he was going home.

May 31 dream:  High school senior goes out with older woman. He says, “Do you have any stickies?” Later I see big cockroach on ledge. Worry it will fall on me. (*Relates to Plymouth Avenue guy on June 3, I think. Cockroach is me  possibly getting down on myself for not hitting on him?)

May 30, 2021:  Insight: I haven’t yet accepted the world. If I accept the world, I have to give up God. Perhaps this is what Thane meant when he said to Karen Dahlquist, “That’s right. Force him to make a decision.” Perhaps why my mother’s death didn’t bother me too much. Perhaps why I could never get together with the men I desired. In ’til 4ish. Walk down Ocean. Run into very sweet, cute Asian guy asking for signatures to oust someone from the Board of Education who had made anti-Asian comments. He had on yellow hat and matching mask. Loved to hear him and touch him. Walk up Portola to Mt.D. Then to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” he’s very stand-offish after our intimacy of May 1. Starbucks. I accidentally ask for my banana bread which one of the baristas had already given me. My homeless friend Danny in Starbucks with his cart. I say, “Tomorrow’s Memorial Day. Are you going to be taking the day off?” He says, “Ill probably be here.” #43 home. Follow cute black guy across Ocean Avenue. He leads me to another cuter black guy with long dreds. I follow him in to resto.

May 30 dream:  On my way out of job get in argument with two girls I never really liked or respected.

May 30 dream:  Exhibit of men fake-fighting with each other. I say, “It’s like fake-loving.”

May 30 dream:  Alarm goes off in dream.

May 29, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Acme clothing store at Mission and Geneva. Cute guy there comments on my pants. Said Dickies are not as flexible as the pants I have on (my Adidas). Walk to Excelsior library. Sweet librarian there. Walk to G.P. Then up Joost to Safeway. Woman in frozen meat section. I ask her where the sausages are. Turned out she was right in front of them. Then she points out the exact type of sausage I was looking for. I said, “I knew I should have asked you!” After, I was so happy I skipped down the next aisle. #43 home. Lots of “emergency” calls from Apple today.

May 29 dream:  President Biden says that young man was able to delay his cancer for a day to say good-bye. (h.o.)

May 29 dream:  Boy and girl from opposite families are going on trip. Mother leaves at 1:20. Two kids bump into each other. Spill grape juice on each other and laugh tit off.

May 29 dream:  John sitting at end of table in cafe. When I look back, he’s replaced by somebody else.

May 29 dream:  Carol Carter and other Prosperos show up for assembly at old Louvre in Paris.

May 29 dream:  Voice says, “It’ll be over soon.”

May 28, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola. Fire engine out of Portola Drive fire station. Seamus and Anthony at Starbucks. Anthony tells me his roommate is going home. I say, “Why aren’t you going home?” he says, “You may have noticed. I was out a few days.” I laugh, “No, I didn’t notice.” #43 home. Cute guy on bus. Accident at Monterey and Plymouth. Prosperos Roundtable at 5:30 8 people there. Joe C. shares that he has been diagnosed with lung and brain cancer. Janet reports that Ned has apparently tested free of cancer. (*Accident at Monterey and Plymouth relates to Suzanne? Also relates to last dream of May 27, I think.)

May 28 dream:  Trying to go back to work. Can’t find place.

May 28 dream:  I’m alone at my new job. Move VW bug I’m sleeping in out of the center of the street. Lots of kids outside on the street sitting in rows of chairs in bright colors in Chinatown. I think it would make a great photo.

May 27, 2021:  Irene Smith online memorial at 3 p.m. Over 100 attended. What a woman. What a life. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Then Starbucks Portola. #43 home.

May 27 dream:  Cathy W. gives “old guy” a chance. He declines and she dresses in full Muslim attire.

May 27 dream:  Get lost in Napa Valley town. Try to find bus back to S.F.

May 26, 2021:  See something erotic online. Get into it. Get phone call. Have “psychic sex” with whoever called. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. My gay friend there ignores me. Go to G.P. Talk with Lee’s mom. See Anne Bollman lookalike. Go to G.C.P. Strange assignation with guy on rock and his dog and passing guy and his dog. Then M.S. Talk with my cashier friend about Jackson on the $20. We both agree we like Benjamins better. Danny, my homeless friend. Timothy and Anthony at Starbucks. Talk more with Anthony about his family and about his hair. I say, “You look Black.” #43 home. My Plymouth Avenue friend on board. I change seats to sit across from where he’s standing. Look up “pass” in p.m. May relate to me “passing” as a human being.

May 26 dream:  Virginia Wolfe (played by Elizabeth Taylor) is not happy. Another TV show about to start but I wasn’t interested.

May 26 dream:  Guy jokes that he worked in the S.F. main library in ’65. He says “Nobody’s that old.”

May 25, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. to Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. Nasty woman at bus stop Nasty woman on bus. Follow cute guy into W.F. Run into Isaiah. Email Maureen in p.m.

May 25 dream:  Things not adding up. I’m $2,017 short.

May 25 dream:  I am in a rooming house next to a resto. John is directly across the hall from me. There are no walls. Only windows. My roommate comes in just as I’m about to take a shower in the corner of the room. He barges ahead of me. I say, “I guess we’ll just have to take a shower together.” Lettuce on shower head.

May 24, 2021:  12:30 p.m therapy appointment with Troy. I share my RHS of my father and hint that I may be emotionally done with him. He’s doubtful. (*See first dream of May 23.) On way home, walk backwards, checking out guy on Market. Slip and fall on my back. Hurt my hands. Walk thru Castro. Pass J’s bar and J’s store. Up Market to Starbucks Portola. Seamus, Anthony and Timothy there. Anthony shares that he comes from a family of 7 kids, but not all from the same mother. (*Shits from hier relate to my talk with Anthony, I think.) #43 home. Cute young boy with black shorts from May 13 onboard without his mother. I sit across from him.

May 24 dream:  Big convention weekend. Course in Miracles there with us. We are walking down street. I say to woman, “This is your big weekend.” She says, “Yeah, it’s long division.” I say, “I don’t know what that is.” Oprah Winfrey says, “I don’t either.” Black guy from our group says [of Oprah], “She’s a superstar.” I say, “So are you.”

May 24 dream:  Secret service men swarm my apt. Come in thru the balcony. President is on his way, I guess.

May 23, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior. Feel “shitty.” Come back. Take shit. Walk down Ocean and up to Monterey to Safeway. Jason and Patrick and woman I like there. Remake potato salad with hard-boiled eggs, bleu cheese, and vegetarian baco-bits. It was good. Insight: My desire to fix things (COVID, my family, etc.) gets me into trouble. RHS my father in p.m.

May 23 dream:  Father Paul died and I put that in a little song I composed. (He was really a bastard.) Other people say that he’s not dead. (*Relates to RHS of my father on May 23?)

May 23 dream:  Guy visits beautiful home of English world leaders in L.A. Someone knocks on his door. It’s his assassin, a dark, well-dressed man warning him that he doesn’t have much time left.

May 23 dream:  Four “family” items I’m supposed to take care of.

May 22, 2021:  9 a.m. Translation workshop. Seven in attendance. Geek Squad came at 11:30ish to install my new router. After, take nap. Dream my new phone explodes. (*See nap dream of May 22.) In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Thinking about this dream and realizing it had nothing to do with my new router. It had to do with something I had been asking my unconscious for for years: a memory of what happened with my father. And the memory was being very happy with something. Then having an unexpected [emotional] explosion. Then realized it also relates to what happened to me with the J&J “pause.” I had been very pleased that I had taken the vaccine and “done the right thing.” Then was blind-sided by the J&J “pause,” just like I was blind-sided by my phone exploding in my dream. Just like I was blind-sided by my father when he turned a happy moment for me into a scary, ugly and shocking moment of betrayal. As I was thinking this, woman crossing Monterrey smiles at me. Joke with Lee at G.P about Jackson being on the both $10 and $20 bills. Then distant hawk at G.C.P. Then Starbucks. Timothy and Adam there but we didn’t talk. Danny, my homeless friend. #43 home. Sit near two skateboarders. Then move to front of the bus to sit near beautiful young Asian man, only to also sit next to “sleepy” Asian guy from hier. Call Sarah when I get home. Insight: Maybe reason I was so anxious and happy to be with my father was so I could forget my own ego-reaction to my mother’s death.

May 22 nap dream:  The new phone I bought just blew up.

May 22 dream:  At party in big house, trying to throw away garbage. Couldn’t find place. Also had mouthful of glass.

May 21, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Follow same black security guard as hier. I fantasize about him dancing at a strip club. He enters pizza joint and looks at me and smiles. (*Relates to last dream of May 20? Especially the part of guys trying to attack me.) Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa to M.S. Shits at M.S. I ask for $20 cash back. Cashier jokes, “Here’s your Jackson.” I try to think of who’s on the $100 bill cut can’t. Feel bad ’cause I really wanted to joke with this cashier. Later at #43 bus stop, guy walks behind me. I do double take. He’s very masculine guy waring a dress. I follow him for a few blocks, trying to catch up with him. I just missed him, just like with the cashier. But, like the cashier, I think he knew that I loved him. #43 home. Sit across from cute sleepy Asian guy. See “Your health is going to improve” on bus. Prosperos Roundtable at 5:30. 11 attended including Julia Yepez-Macbeth from Brooklyn. I asked her about Chris Hinrichs. Tried to make potato salad in p.m.

May 21 dream:  No newspapers. I’m alone in the house with Liz and Suzanne(?) I say, “Wouldn’t it be nice during this time of crisis to be in touch with what’s going on?”

May 21 dream:  Was going to do operation to improve my voice. It was beginning to sound way too complicated so at the end I had pretty much decided to cancel the whole thing.

May 20, 2021:  Shits about 2:30 p.m. Insight: What is the intelligence of my body trying to tell me? To paraphrase Shakespeare, “This tarantula (*See dreams of May 14) I claim my own.” Blame comes from the word blaspheme. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Follow cute young h.s. student carrying his guitar case. Up Ulloa to Starbucks. #43 home. Rude Asian lady makes me think maybe I should check out the rest of the bus. I do. Find the smiling eyes of Kenneth (according to his name tag). Translate “The body is physical.”  Conclusion:  Truth is the body of effortless consciousness.

May 20 dream:  “The Ability to Eat Horseshit” book.

May 20 dream:  Tell dark-haired guy, “ I don’t care what you do. I just want to be with you.” As I say this, I press two pieces of burnt toast on each side of his head.

May 20 dream:  Drive baby blue car which I’ve had for some time. Some guys try to attack me. I pass big truck that everybody thinks is hauling a shark. Turn up Van Ness and have trouble getting traction on my bike.

May 19, 2021:  Hugh John calls in a.m., telling me that his sister’s granddaughter died after a drowning incident. Later his sister Maureen called. (*See last dream of May 18.) In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. On to G.P. Lee there. On to G.C.P. As I reach top of stairs on exiting the park, small boy with blond hair and green sweater runs up and greets me. I greet him back. His mother is several yards behind. On to Starbucks. Timothy there. #43 home. W.F. Home.

May 19 dream:  Big presidential event tomorrow. Press is waiting with camera outside our door in the lobby. Later they are let in to eat some bean dish from the fridge. Someone sees a cockroach. I think they are always around.

May 19 dream:  Run into my sister Laurie at store. She admits she bought something warm colored even though the colors are cool this season (or vice versa).

May 18, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. As I walk out lobby, beautiful young man is holding a couch. I say, “Are you moving in or moving out?” He says, “I’m moving my family in to the 2nd floor.” I say, “Oh, I’m on the third.” Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa. Translating “pain” and ‘fear” along the way. Starbucks. #43 home. Find textbook on human sexuality on outside table of W.F. Insight: Now that I have lost my father, my fear is having to stand on my own two feet.

May 18 dream:  Up at some resort. Misplace both my credit cards. Suddenly my family appears. Then bunch of friends in military uniforms. I was glad to see both of them.

May 18 dream:  Kiss girl on forehead. I wanted to kiss her on the lips but that wasn’t allowed. Her whole face was like a yellow mask. We were supposed to get married. We were all laughing about something. Then we stopped. I rush across the street to resto next to shop I wanted to go to.

(*Relates to talking with Maureen M. this a.m.?)

May 17, 2021:  Insight: Connection between contamination by J&J and contamination by my father? 12:30 therapy session with Troy. About 1:20 get in touch with my grief about the loss of my father. When I get home, there’s a blank phone message at about 1:19. Walk home via Castro and Market. Stop by M.S. Then Seamus at Starbucks. #43 home.

May 17 dream:  We’re getting ready to do big show. I’m going to be the MC. Somebody asks me to pay $20 to someone named Negy, who sounds slightly familiar. I check to make sure that I have both sets of keys.

May 17 dream:  Take off on every-two-week trip to Sacramento. Only two other passengers, including a bratty girl.

May 17 dream:  At party pass pile of bikini-clad women. Cute, nice guy I liked touched my fingers and said, “Maybe we can get in on some of that skin-on-skin action.” I said, “Okay” and followed him into room with more people sitting around.

May 16, 2021:  RHS group at 3 p.m. Fun group. 7 people attended. Walk down Ocean to Monterey to Safeway. Cute guy ignored my glances. Later I see that he is whipped by his wife. Jason there. #43 home.

May 16 dream:  Calvin very pushy at my table. We’re waiting for something to happen. He asks me to go through big thick magazine ad and find the $9 glasses. Crowd is thinning out.

May 15, 2021:  Window washers wake me up at 8:30. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa to M.S. Portola. Get in line which spits between Maggie and “Sir Allen.” I wanted to talk with Sir Allen but Maggie’s line opened up first. So I talked with her. Later saw Sir Allen kind of dancing down the aisle. Adam at Starbucks talks bout biotechnology, his major at SF State. #43 home. Look up tarantula. The spider bite causes involuntary body movements (especially during the 15th to 17th century in southern Italy). (*Realize this related to my tarantula dreams of last night.)

May 15 dream:  Crew trying to repair me inside. (h.o.)

May 15 dream:  15 hats need to be eaten to win the game. The “terminator” doesn’t want me to eat the hats.

May 15 dream:  The other side has tanks. We are protected by empty swimming pools.

May 15 dream:  They arrive. The building shakes. Kids scream.

May 14, 2021:  In ’til 3:20. Walk to Jun’s for haircut. Wonderful, fun time with Jun, as usual. Walk to G.P. Sit down in Cafe Bello for first time since March 2020. Then to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. Walk home. Turn corner at Ocean Avenue. Check out cute guy smoking. He says threateningly, “Yeah?” I wave back. (*Relates to guy hier yelling at me for walking in front of his truck, I think.) Continue down Ocean. Check out bunch of skateboarders running to Balboa Skatepark. One of them looks back. Walk to W.F. Learn they re not going to re-open the W.F. cafe. Sad/bad news for neighborhood. They’re going to make it into an Amazon Prime center. Prosperos Roundtable at 5:30. Tom C. there. I share the many men who have impacted my life and vice versa.

May 14 dream:  I may have been in touch with a tarantula which could jeopardize the project.

May 14 dream:  Someone may have given my location to tarantula so my mission may be compromised.

May 14 dream:  New guy gets on elevator. Other new guy joins him. When the door opens, first new guy is putting his underwear back on. I am outraged. First new guy doesn’t seem to mind as much as me.

May 13, 2021:  In’ til 3ish. Walk to Portola to Starbucks. Seamus there. Also Danny, the homeless guy. Guy yells at me for walking in front of his truck. I wave back. #43 home. Cute young boy in black shorts with his mother. My Best Buy router arrives. Spend about an hour or two trying to install. Then made appointment with The Geek Squad.

May 13 dream:  Looking to possibly rent apartment in building owned by Bill Floyd’s parents, Liz and Jack. Also maybe a studio owned by The Prosperos. Jack said he learned something a few yeas ago when I declined his apartment.

May 13 dream:  Writer friend of mine thinks I should be called Rick Arm so he can remember my name better.

May 13 dream:  Go to night club.

May 12, 2021:  Order Monkeybrains wifi. Get all worked up/stressed out about installation of router. Online appointment with my VA primary at 10:30 a.m. He agrees that my symptoms are probably psychosomatic beginning with the J&J pause on April 13. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa to M.S. Portola. Pass cute guy talking with two girls. I go to M.S. Later girls leave guy in front of Starbucks. As I go in, his mask is off and his face is beautiful. I admire him and he smiles back. I go on into Starbucks. Timothy and Kaleb there. As I come out, same guy is walking down the sidewalk with great difficulty and effort. My heart immediately goes out to him. He struggles into M.S. I want to follow him but I realize that the moment has passed. #43 home. See “Prepare to meet your king” in Aquarian Gospel.

May 12 dream:  End of show. Guy asks for blue sombrero.

May 12 dream:  Something about Blossom Street.

May 12 dream:  Head up to my new job on 37th floor. Playfully bump into Barry Bram in the lobby. My left arm is smudged. Elevator is like a roller coaster. Arrives at 35. Nannie there, looking old. Still have to figure out how to get to 37.

May 11, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Accidentally throw away my umbrella. Go to W.G. to buy new one. Then W.P. Then Ulloa. See “Pat” written etched in the sidewalk. Think I should probably visit him at CVS. So I do. He told me he hasn’t yet taken any vaccine. I told him of my troubles with J&J. I also told him, “You look great.” On to Starbucks. Kaleb there said they’re looking into re-opening. #43 home. My Plymouth Avenue friend on board. I follow him briefly after we get off bus.

May 10, 2021:  Translate my call from Wilson Fong, that I didn’t think he would be helpful in any way. Then he didn’t call (as I hoped). Therapy session at 12:30. Good session. At the end, I share my feeling of protectiveness for the men who offered to have sex with me. My therapist repeated it back to me. And expanded on why I may have felt so protective, that is, because of the era I grew up in, and especially the relationship between me and my father. So in spite of the sexual freedom which surfaced for me in 1969 and ’70, underneath (at an unconscious level) were the same old fears which I wanted to protect myself and others from. (*See 2nd dream of May 9.) Gay man dressed in black as I leave therapy session. He sneezes when I pass him. Walk up Market to Castro. Pass J’s bar and J’s store. Up Market to Starbucks Portola. Anthony there. #43 home. Shits on getting home. Call VA to remake VA appointment with Fong on Wednesday.

May 10 dream:  Got handout on Shakespeare which I had already seen.

May 10 dream:  Taking woman and little boy out to eat at “Comes” resto. It’s raining hard.

May 10 dream:  Proofreading something and falling asleep.

May 9, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Feeling not much better. Lots of body pains, etc. Walk down Ocean and up Monterey to Safeway. Guy with “We Grow Farmers” T-shirt at Safeway. Female cashier Bobby asks me how my day was. I say, “Rough.” On way home, see sign saying, “It won’t be like this forever.” Take that as a sign from the Universe. This was a sign which I missed on April 29, when I got off #43 bus early.

May 9 dream:  Visiting too cool guy who wore satin multi-colored Nehru jacket. Later everybody got under the covers except me. See parade outside the window marching down S.F. street. I tried to get away but my little toes were caught in the sheets.

May 9 dream:  S.F. Bay is clear water you can see thru. (*Relates to insight from therapy session on May 10 that it may have been my protectiveness of the men who offered to have sex with me which prevented me from having sex with them.)

May 9 dream:  See Louis Armstrong at his day job. He’ll be playing somewhere tonight.

May 8, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. I briefly share my Translation of “I need to rely on others for health, support and love.” Later realized I felt really good after female VA advice nurse told me hier that my symptoms are not unusual. Later still realized it was like a parent telling their child that they’re okay after skinning their knees. So what would prevent that from happening? Maybe I felt I didn’t’ deserve a mother’s love. Why not? Well, ’cause when my real mother was shot dead in front of me at age 8, all I could think was,, “At last, I’m going to be famous.” The police had arrived. The press had arrived. So I thought maybe the pains I’m feeling (or allowing myself to feel) relate to some sort of self-punishment for my ego-centered and petty reaction to my mother’s death. What would I think of somebody else who behaved that way, even at the age of 8? One of the reasons I love John and people like him is ’cause no matter what else they may be guilty of, they’d never react to their mother’s death the way I did. Can I ever forgive myself? Maybe not. But I can “give for.” That is, give up my old identity as person, place or thing for a new understanding of myself as mind unfolding. Left home about 4ish. Went to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee there, but no Chrons. Guy on Arbor Street cleaning his car. I compliment him on his beautiful car. He’s the one with two snappy, noisy little dogs. On to G.C.P. Then M.S. Got “Perfect” at Starbucks. Assume that related to the RHS I just spoke of. #43 home. Sit next to beautiful young guy who touches my leg as he leaves.

May 8 dream:  Getting married to kind of cute but strange guy who said he didn’t want to. Then said he did. Arrive at gay bar. Bill Murray was there.

May 8 dream:  Volunteer at small newsletter job in Berkeley. All women. Leigh B. works there. I call Richard B. and lose him on the phone. I think sometimes he deliberately tries to confuse things. Black woman there I like. Someone suggests they hire Richard to add “wit” to the newsletter. I think, “I have wit. I’d like to work here.” I take off for a break, even though I’d already had lunch.

May 7, 2021:  Talk to advice nurse at VA. Feel better. Heather calls. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean. Cute black guy with “Open Hand” T-shirt (and nice chest) at W.G. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa. Cute blond high school student walking between two girls trips and smiles at me. Kaleb and barista sing “Happy Birthday” to me at Starbucks. Get free latte. Prosperos Roundtable in p.m. Good discussion. 10-11 people there.

May 7 dream:  Go out on “date” with two girls from the same house as mine. They are royalty. When i get back, I eat something.

May 7 dream:  Nancy Lee and Richard (from “Keeping Up Appearances”) are doing Christian Science work on someone. Richard gave me her two Christian Science books.

May 7 dream:  New … in … I don’t spend much time at.

May 7 dream:  Wild white horse on farm. Owner asks somebody to take a photo. I do. Horse turned out to have the face of an old woman.

May 6, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Seamus there. #43 home. Young black-haired guy ignores my glances. Insight: Refused all the men in my life ’cause I was married to my father, at least in my mind. Also, if I got together with my father (metaphorically), my step-mother would kill me (or have my father kill me).

May 5, 2021:  Shits around noon. Listen to father’s oral history tapes. Two hours. Thought I would hate it (and him), but generally liked him. The tapes were done in 1989, when he was 73. Things I never knew before: He almost got into Stanford in 1937 and he and his parents had a weekend house in Atherton. He left out any mention of his first wife, his first son or his second (me). As a person, though, he seemed likable but weak. He didn’t seem like the very frightening person I remember. (*Relates to “President dies” dream of April 20?) In ’til 3:45 or so. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to M.S. Timothy, Seamus and Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home.

May 5 dream:  Cartoon-like characters: The teacher talks to all of us. To me he says, “Finish your story.” I go home and am told that my father is finishing my story. Beethoven’s 9th in the background.

May 5 dream:  Traveling thru desert town with Tom C. and others. Tom said some other guy would have wanted to go to a bar. Mountain there was one used in movie logo.

May 4, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior. Skateboarder with beautiful eyes who I’d seen before, on Ocean Avenue. Then tall, well-built Latino man smiling as I check him out, at Lee. Later I cross Ocean to pass well-defined Latino in muscle T-shirt. He looks at me blankly as I look at him. Later, I cross Ocean again to check out two young skateboarders. Woman with cleavage smiles at me. I smile back, under my mask. Excelsior library. G.P. Caught between two or three barking dogs on Arbor Street. Then G.C.P. Then hawk followed by two screeching crows on Amber Drive. Then hawk alone. As I pass M.S., Seamus says hello to me. I didn’t recognize him at first. Starbucks. #43 home. Follow my Plymouth Avenue friend into W.F. and out (*See diary of April 27). Insight: Realize that if my therapist is correct and I really did dissociate, that my father was the only person who could have told the truth about what he did, and he never did. He went to his death without telling the truth that would have healed our family. And gaslighting me and anybody else who didn’t accept his “truth.” And I went along with it as much as I could, ’til I could get away from him.

May 4 nap dream:   Driving home, have trouble getting back into my body.

May 4 dream:  Amy Goodman stops by the house as I’m trying to type something.

May 3, 2021:  Submit HWTS request for J&J post-vaccine symptoms. In ’til 11:30 or so. Take BART downtown for therapy session with Troy. Get there about an hour early. Walked around downtown. Session got things going for me. Felt pretty good. (*Relates to “3 weeks” from April 6?) Blondish, 50ish, guy at Van Ness and Market. We were both thrilled at seeing each others. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Later run into Brett, a street artist, again. (*See diary of March 25.) Walk by J’s bar and J’s store. Buy $9.88 mocha drink in the Castro. Walk up Market to Starbucks Portola. Timothy very happy to see me. Seamus, too. Anthony there. I ask him about his ’60s class. He says he’s working on a website for the class. I say, “I was there!” Watch “Conversations with God” in p.m. Insight: I really do believe I came from God. When I said in my HWTS request, “You said it’d be safe.” I was referring to the authorities who said J&J would be safe. But also to The Authority: God?

May 3 dream:  Preparing package for delivery. Is it a rape kit?

May 3 dream:  Clear up somebody’s room. Shut door with flair. Then remember I left my keys inside. Elizabeth (from “Keeping Up Appearances”) says it happens all the time. I try to climb up escalator which is loaded with thrown away food and going down. I don’t make much progress.

May 2, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Decide not to attend RHS workshop. Shits just before I leave. Walk down Ocean behind good-looking guy on his way to 24 Hour Fitness. I fantasize about taking his pants down. When he gets to gym, he holds door open for me, as I pass on. Onward to W.P. Get call from Sarah as I walk up Ulloa and down Teresita to Safeway. Nice, short conversation with Nur. Female cashier next to him says, “Everybody wants to talk with Nur.”

May 1, 2021:  [I was so busy catching up with online work hier, I forgot Prosperos Roundtable.] Wake up to fire alarm around 8 a.m. Bills. Monthly BB. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior. Three moving vans outside my apartment building. Cold, windy day. Excelsior library. Then G.P. No Chrons. Go to G.C.P. Then M.S. “Sir Allen” loves me with his eyes. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Rude black father and his spoiled daughter.

May 1 dream:  Wake up early in prison of some sort. Want to make sure I’m not late for appointment.

May 1 dream:  See “Jesus Christ” on glass door.

May 1 dream:  Man throwing blue globe down shaft. It doesn’t fall straight down.

April 30, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. I take #49 at noon for jury duty. See a 4th story being added to Nannie’s old place at Mission & Cortland. Go to jury room about 45 minutes early. As soon as we all sign in, we are told we can go home. Applause ensues. Walk home via Market. Pass J’s bar and J’s store in the Castro. On walk up Market do Crown Mysteries (“Let there be wisdom. And there is wisdom.”) Later review my J&J history. I wasn’t really enthused about getting the vaccine but I wanted to get it over with, which only led to further problems. I asked myself, “When has this happened before?” Realized this is probably what happened with my father. I was willing to go along, just to get it over with, but that led to even more problems. Remembered Steve Hines quote I used on the BB: “Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situations again to see if you’re still a dumbass.” (*Relates to 7 hawks from April 27?) Seamus at Starbucks. Get cafe latte and brownie instead of my usual matcha green tea latte and blueberry scone. #43 home.

April 30 dream:  On bus trip somewhere, tell someone about my purchase of Rachmaninoff record album. He’s not pleased.

April 30 dream:  Teaching Translation to school kids in two separate rooms.

April 29, 2021:  Do a good Translation of “contaminate.” It leads to integral/untouched. Being touched implies duality. (*Relates to 7 hawks from April 27?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P Boulevard. Continue Translation. My conclusion: Truth can only touch Itself. Then up Ulloa. Kaleb and Adam at Starbucks. #43 home. Get off bus early. See “Take the High Road” painted on crosswalk. Get Bernie doll from Nancy O. for my 75th birthday.

April 29 dream:  I am waiting for a particular train which has already been sent on its way. (h.o.)

April 29 dream:  Out of four young men in very tight, ball-hugging clothes, we were asked which one was wearing a dildo. I guessed the first guy. I was right. (h.o.)

April 29 dream:  Attend high school band concert. When girl flautist has a solo, male band conductor goes back and kisses her. Later I tell my cousins, “I hope they have the same policy when it’s a male flautist.” My cousins get quite upset.

April 28, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk out to Portola. Follow cute delivery person to W.P. Boulevard. As I turn back, see beautiful, long-haired guy walking away from me. I could tell from his carriage that he was really worth trying to meet. So I will change my route to include W.P. Boulevard ’til I do meet up with him. (*Relates to seven hawks from hier?) Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks. Timothy there. #43 home. Looking into my laptop camera for Zoom meeting of Jamaal Bowman’s speech, my right eye looked back at me, just like my father: cruel yet self-pitying.

April 28 dream:  See Eric Newton at gay bar. He’s gained a few pounds, but still looks good. We exchange glances briefly.

April 27, 2021:  Email from Political Bob about all the deaths and illnesses caused by the various COVID vaccines in Europe got me to realizing how vulnerable I have made myself to suggestion. This is something certainly worth ridding myself of, I realized. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Very cute librarian there i’d never seen before. Walk to G.P. Seven hawks flying overhead on Arbor Street. Dog excited to see me at G.C.P. Second dog gives me stick to throw, which I do. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Sweet, rich, young man gets off on Yerba Buena Avenue. Second guy gets off at my stop. I follow him to Plymouth Drive. Had seen him before.

April 27 dream:  Tom O. and I working in mechanic’s shop for our parents. Tom says we should take a late lunch and just take off for the rest of the day. I agree. I accidentally misplace my jacket. Tom suggests I may have left at one of the places we stopped by earlier.

April 27 dream:  For some reason, I agreed to have sex with Marion Bell, so we meet at hotel. I run into Patrice Roemer who seems enthused about the idea. Our “room” is just a bed in the hallway with lots of other people in others beds. Marion is very old and frail and I’m practically a virgin with women.

April 27 dream:  Me and guy from Bay Times and woman all decide to meet in far away beach area of S.F. I’d never seen before. Before, we discussed Trump supporter we still liked.

April 26, 2021:  In ’til 1:30ish. Take K downtown. Tour studio apartment at Trinity Place (8th and Market). They are charging $1,700 per month for 320 square feet. I liked the walk-in shower. Otherwise, I don’t think so. Walk up Market to Castro. Pass bicyclist with helmet who looked a lot like John. I turned around. He smiled. I smiled and waved. Car approached as I was in the middle of a crosswalk. He seemed concerned. I wasn’t. Walk by J’s bar and J’s store in the Castro. Sweet little dog in the window on Castro. Friendly, big, old black dog on 19th Street. Continue walk up Market. Black guy nods at me. See “New York” etched in sidewalk. (*Relates to first dream of April 25?) Norrel at M.S. Anthony at Starbucks. He told me he lived in a 5-member household. #43 home.

April 26 dream:  Me defending Catholic Church. I say, “The Catholic Church has been here since the year zero.”

April 26 dream:  My father building swimming pool in middle of street intersection for all to enjoy.

April 26 dream:  Go to hip after-hours bar with three others.

April 26 dream:  Compose popular song in my head. Try to write it down. Meet young woman at party. I really like her. I show her book on science which I didn’t understand. She explained that it shows that in all the great problems of history, there was always a solution even though they may not have seen it. I kissed her. She said, “Don’t start that.” I said, “I didn’t think about it.”

April 25, 2021:  Richard Tarnas speaks of initiation rites on YouTube. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Portola Drive. Nice, handsome, rich guy on San Benito greets me. Bratty kid at Starbucks looks at me and whispers to his mother. Kaleb at Starbucks. Good-looking Asian man on my way down Portola to #43 bus stop. I’d seen him before. He was with his wife and daughter but appreciated my attention. #43 home.

April 25 dream:  Guy reading map which points to New York City and says, “One of the most important meetings in the history of mankind.” Guy overhears … circles area with yellow felt pen repeating the name of the man who said it, “Scully.”

April 25 dream:  Take ride from first person I can. He’s a bad driver and maybe more. I decide to get out at next stop light.

April 24, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. Later Google “pins and needles.” Discover it is a symptom of panic attack. Nap from 1:45 to 3:15. Guy from apartment above me moving out? Walk to Excelsior library. Line too long to wait for my one book. Walk to G.P. Cute young guy standing on sidewalk., looking at his cellphone. He smiles at me. I buy Chron and walk past him again. Then to Safeway. Check out with girl named Bobby. Then see my friend Nur (*See diary of February 7) at next checkout line. Missed him. Wait at Gennessee & Monterey for #43 bus. Friendly, unleashed dog comes toward me. Smells my groceries and leaves. Later friendly guy with two friends smiles at me. Walk home with my three bags of groceries.

April 24 dream:  Thane arrives early. He says, “Did you get the photos done?” I lie and say, “Mostly. The personal ones.” He says, “Follow me.” I follow him to basement. He walks fast. We pass some religious folk. He gives them cards to pass out. They don’t want to. He (a much younger man now) and I walk on. I think, “I’ve really got to pay attention to everything he says and does.”

April 24 dream:  I win $10,000 and some drugs. Little scamp trying to take flags from me. He’s put on an impromptu trial.

April 24 dream:  Bicyling through Belgium or one of those Nordic countries.

April 23, 2021:  Rough nite last nite aftet taking multi-vitamin. Up “early” at 9:45 a.m. Short nap. In ’til 4ish. Walk up to M.S. Portola. Cold day. “Sir Allen” at M.S. I was excited to see him and vice versa. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Starbucks. #43 home. Prosperos Roundtable. 11 people. Talk about fresh vegetables. Call Sarah later to get Translation sense testimony for tomorrow. (Sense testimony: People resist new paradigms.)

April 23 dream:  A lot of us  sit down to eat. Then many of them go up the hill (on La Brea?) to sit down with their food. I decide to join them.

April 22, 2021:  Really happy that jury duty is next Friday at 440 McAllister instead of tomorrow at 855 Brannon. Shits at 3ish, just before leaving. Walk to Excelsior library. Walk to G.P. Talk to Lee’s mom. Hawk at G.C.P. Then beautiful, mixed race motorcyclist on Amethyst Way. He told me about his three motorcycles and said to me, “It’s never too late.” (*Relates to hawk and crow from Portola Drive hier, I think.) Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Cute young boy with glasses avoided my glances.

April 22 dream:  At family reunion, my father there. I stick up for the school he, I and guy named Clint went to. It seems Clint and I had the possibility of some sort of relationship. When he leaves, he kisses girl in kitchen good-bye. Then kisses me good-bye. And gives himself the middle finger as if to say, “Fuck me.” And kind of shrugs in apology. Ben G. there, too?

April 22 dream:  Big disagreement between two buildings in L.A. Manager asks everyone to come out in the street to talk about it. I tell a friend, “I’ve never seen—well, maybe once or twice—something like this happening in S.F.”

April 22 dream:  My brother bought a park bench in London just in case…

April 21, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Two beautiful guys in W.G. One Asian. One Latino. Big German shepherd. Very friendly. I wave. He barks. Hawk and crow over Portola Drive. Starbucks. #43 home. John Cade at W.F. bakery. Shits on getting home. Jerk off later.

April 21 dream:  Have nice talk with my cousins and their family. They like my apartment. So do I. I take off for a run.

April 20, 2021:  Fill out online jury questionnaire. In ’til 3ish. Cold and windy day. Walk up Portola Drive. At last minute decide to go to CVS to get walnuts. See my friend Pat. He greets me as I enter store. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) I wait in line for several minutes so I can talk to him. He looks really beautiful today. Find out he got J&J as well. Then Starbucks. Meet Seamus. #43 home. Insight: Since my father was now fucking me, I must be my mother. Since she was now dead, I took on her identity.

April 20 dream:  Trying to put picture back in place. Some bugs still around. (*Relates to memory of last night, I think.)

April 20 dream:  Even though I didn’t win contest, other two gave me their turkey dinner. So much food it was overflowing my plate. And my hands were more than full.

April 20 dream:  President dies. Only one of three living presidents shows up for funeral. I visit friend’s apartment. Look for bowl. Only one dusty bowl in cabinet of the right size. I take it out. Walk to empty lobby. Two young black aboriginals have started fire in pit in which they are seated. They laugh gleefully that all will soon burn down, though the fire appears to be ebbing, and I walk towards the other side of the room where there’s a fire extinguisher on the wall. (*Relates to memory of last night as well, I think.)

April 19, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to M.S. Portola. RHSing the FDA and the CDC and my father for betraying my trust and feigning they/he did it out of “love.” Hawk at San Benito and Ocean. Asian guy in line in front of me at M.S. smiles at me. Then Maggie makes a point of saying hello to me. Nice barista at Starbucks who asked if my day was as “productive” as it was hier. Find key at stoplight. #43 home. Learn Cenk Uygur also had the J&J vaccine. Tough night getting to sleep. I am getting tenser and tenser. Feel like I’m about to explode or implode. I finally get up around 2:30 a.m. and start shaking uncontrollably. I think I’m dying ’cause of J&J vaccine I got two weeks ago. I call VA. Barry talks me down and eventually I stop shaking. Barry convinces me it’s not the J&J. Later I realize it’s the memory I’ve been asking my unconscious for for months. It’s the memory of how I felt about my father. And I was scared to death. I continued my RHS, releasing my father as an out-picturing of my own young awareness. I always made a big deal about remembering how I came from God. But I was willing to give all that up (my divine Father, if you will) for the prospective love of my father.

April 19 dream:  Eating fake bacon sandwich. Janet Cornwell takes a piece of my bacon. Tom C. there also.

April 19 dream:  Clean, clear swimming pool. (*Relates to RHS of my father. See diary of April 19.)

April 19 dream:  Right wing candidates and one Democrat win initial election.

April 19 dream:  Working on political campaign with two guys. They mentioned that Barry Goldwater did something. I say, “Barry Goldwater, Senior?” They say, “Yes.” I say, “I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for him ’cause he stood up for his gay grandson.” We go into resto. Two cute little boys dressed in black uniforms with ties rush up to us. Woman talks with them.

April 18, 2021:  Get up early. Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. Ben leads us in “Spontaneous Conversation” which wasn’t all that spontaneous. 23 or 24 in attendance. It inspired me, though, with a SynCon idea to have a SponCon SynCon: A Spontaneous Conversation Synergetic Convergence. Take nap. Then RHS workshop at 3 p.m. John A. talks about a “sob” which he was frightened to experience. Walk to Starbucks Portola about 4ish. See beautiful Asian guy on way up. Then Anthony (briefly) at Starbucks. #43 home. See beautiful Asian guy again. Get off bus and follow him for a while down Plymouth. Email Rick with my SponCon SynCon idea. Donald Hoffman on YouTube talks about the exhilaration and terror of consciousness exploration, like what I experienced with John in January ’87 at Unitarian Church. Insight: My hypochondria related to my fear of my father?

April 18 dream:  Returning safely. Everyone partying.

April 17, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior, Translating foreign/forest. My conclusion: All is clearing. All is clear. My gay friend at Excelsior library. Lee at G.P. I tell him I had the J&J the day before they stopped it. He said, “You’re lucky.” I said, “I’m not so sure. Now I have a one in a million chance to get a blood clot.” Lee laughed and clapped his hands together loudly. I’d never seen him so animated. “You’ll be fine,” he said. I think it was a mutation from my Translation. Walk to Safeway. Feel sudden shits around 5ish. Take shits in Safeway bathroom. (*Relates to John reading my diary from hier?) Continue shopping. #43 home. Insight: I hang on to my pain ’cause it feels normal to me.

April 17 dream:  Wrestling matches at the sea. When the men wrestled each other, they tore each other’s clothes off. One older man in particular wrestled a younger man and tore his clothes off As I watched I knew I would be humiliated. After which, everyone got bored and went into the ocean for a swim. (*Relates to my father humiliating me in his bedroom in Menlo Park when I was 9 or so?)

April 16, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Earlier got call from VA. Later realized it was probably bogus. (*Relates to “Expect the Unexpected” from April 13?) As I was coming to this realization, walking up Portola Drive, man walking past me waves and smiles, as if in agreement. Anthony at Starbucks. He was juggling all sorts of drinks. I say to him, ”You’re getting very good at this.” He smiles and kind of curtsies. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30. Only seven present.

April 16 dream:  Lots of ham and cheese pizzas before my order. (h.o.)

April 16 dream:  My boss at work, Barry Bram, comes in depressed. I say, “Perhaps we should do some trust exercises.” He says, “My son died today. That the 2nd son of mine to die.” I put my hand on his shoulder. He said he [his son] was out skateboarding and did a risky stunt.

April 16 dream:  Crossing the bay, the sun is still up. I think, “Wow, we really got involved in a school where we were taught how to overcome our past and live in a world of unpredictable possibilities.”

April 15, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to M.S. Portola. Cute Mexican guy with two others at deep hole in alleyway. I say, “It’s deep.” He looks at me in surprise. Maggie at M.S. kind of short with me. But I flirted with her Asian workmate. Starbucks. #43 home. Cute guy gets on. I check him out several times. He pretends not to notice.

April 15 dream:  Someone in our house is having a birthday tomorrow. Woman being doted on by her husband wants to know if somebody will take on the responsibility of making the drinks.

April 15 dream:  Steve H. has this beautiful body he’s never had before. We start kissing. Then we fall asleep. Later I start making out with his body which he really likes. I asked if he went to the gym. “No,” he said. He just worked at jobs that required exercise.

April 15 dream:  Young school girl in the bedroom of most popular guy in school. (*Relates to me in my father’s bedroom back in the ’50s?)

April 15 dream:  Woman on airplane with brand new 45 rpm record player and records.

April 14, 2021:  Glanced at The Aquarian Gospel of Jesus the Christ. Read “And Jesus said, These scribes and Pharisees are not the scions of the tree of life, they are not plants of God; they are the plants of men, and every foreign plant shall be plucked up.” Also read that Gov. Newsom and Pres. Biden had had the J&J shots. That helped me for some reason. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Feeling very horny. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home.

April 14 dream:  Was going to pee into toilet full of dry clothes. Decided not to. Leigh B. there. She gave me a book which I’m very excited about. I’m a little more than half way thru. About attaching electrodes to parts of your body. Leigh said, “I almost went into that.”

April 14 dream:  Talking with Chris Hinrichs. I ask him, “How did you find The Prosperos? Was it Thane?” He said, “No, it was Elaine Peterson.” We were walking back to small gathering of students.

April 13, 2021:  J&J vaccine paused. Steve H. was right. (*See diary of April 9.) While I’m in the middle of freaking out, Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Cute young guy at Portola & O’Shaughnessy. He smiles at me with his eyes. Then sits down on nearby bench. After I don’t approach, he walks down O’Shaughnessy after some other guy. Then Starbucks. Shared my concern about the J&J vaccine with counterperson. #43 home. Nasty woman who gets off at same stop as mine and goes into low-income building next to mine. See “Expect the unexpected.” Translate vaccine. Later hear opinion that the six women who got sick may not even have gotten sick from the vaccine. May be due to birth control pills.

April 12, 2021:  Go to copy place to get label to return my size 36 pants which were too small. Luckily postal worker was sitting in his van with door open and took my package. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Anthony there. We give each other thumbs up. #43 home. See beautiful muscular young guy sitting near doorway, wearing sweat pants and sleeveless sweatshirt. I stand near him rather than taking a seat elsewhere. He asks if I want a seat. I say, “No, thanks.” Then I ask him, “Are you a dancer?” “A what?” he says. “A dancer.” “A what?” “One who dances,” I say. He says, “No.” Then, “Why do you ask?” I say, “Because of your bearing.” Later see that the two girls sitting behind him are with him. They all leave together. When I get home, there’s a blank phone message from 4:38 p.m., almost exactly the time this took place.

April 12 dream:  Friend play fights with me in my bed. I say, “Not here. Now now.” Struggle to wake up.

April 12 dream:  Dance with Lauren S. at party. Actually, we were the only couple dancing.

April 12 dream:  Running thru a national park. I’m AWOL from the military and sooner or later they will probably check up on me.

April 11, 2021:  In ’til 3:45 or so. Walk to M.S. Portola. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Work on book. C.S. Lewis video in p.m.

April 11 dream:  Troupe from Europe getting ready to perform in California. (h.o.)

April 11 dream:  Point to caregiver. “Smarter than you is you,” I tell fellow caregiver. That makes me feel good.

April 11 dream:  The Soviet Union lands on the moon. TV shows reaction of short, Irish woman actor and the audience reaction to her. She says, “From Pittsburg to the Soviet Union” and makes a face of great wonderment.

April 10, 2021:  Translation workshop at 9 a.m. Try to nap later. In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Talk with Lee and his mother about vaccines. Walk up Monterey to Safeway. See Jun walking into his salon. Follow very beautiful tall, young Asian man with sort of pony tail into bread section. I walk near him. He seems undecided. I say, “Lots of choices.” he says, “Yeah, I can’t decide.” I go to banana bin. Want to flee, but stick around until the moment is over. (*Relates to single hawk and circling hawks at G.C.P. on April 7, I think.) Later, mulling this over, get single ring on my land line.

April 10 dream:  J. rushing up stairs to have sex with one or two of his friends.

April 9, 2021:  Center for Humane Technology group online at 10 a.m. Not very impressed for 2nd week in a row. Steve H. calls to tell me that J&J vaccine may cause blood clots. But not to worry. I told him, “I thought it was the AstraZeneca vaccine.” In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Anthony there. He’s friendly but cool. #43 home. Sit near cutish guy. He sticks his butt in my face as he exits. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30. Kind of depressing in that we always seem to talk about the same things: how to reach young people, how to improve our website, etc.

April 9 dream:  Looking for job acting in movies. Tell friend I may not get one. (h.o.)

April 9 dream:  Jonathan F. takes piece of cake from me and stops working for a while.

April 9 dream:  Beautiful woman with soft skin comes up to table I’m standing at. Everyone in the room wants her, including me.

April 8, 2021:  Wake up to a pre-announced 45 minutes fire alarm. Try to take nap later. In ’til 4:15ish. Walk up to Starbucks Portola. Follow guy on Ulloa. Kaleb at Starbucks. I ask about “masculine” guy I met at Starbucks on Tuesday. He said it was probably Victor. Walk to bus stop. Cute, well-built cyclist in Spandex at crosswalk. He goes ahead on red light. I say, “Wait.” he goes again. I say, “Wait.” #43 home. Beautiful guy walking his bike up Plymouth. I debate getting off bus but decide I don’t need to. (*First cyclist relates to first hawk from hier? Second cyclist relates to hawks circling each other hier? No. See diary of April 10.) Cute, confused Asian guy with unzipped pants get on #43 as I get off. (*Relates to how I was feeling?) Shits when I get home.

April 8 dream:  Dream somebody is in my kitchen which is part of a bigger apartment complex. I tell him, “Hey, get out of my kitchen.” I’m about to get up when I wake up.

April 8 dream:  Kamala Harris is hot for me. She wants to stay in the same Ramada that I’m staying in while the hospital takes care of me. Another woman also is hot for me.

April 8 dream:  Something about Craig Northrup?

April 7, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Get my COVID certificate laminated. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then, just as I arrive at G.C.P., one nearby hawk. Then two hawks circling each other. Starbucks. Kitty and other woman. #43 home. I sit next to cute young with glasses on. Then another cute self-assured young man gets on. First guy gets off on Flood. Second guy gets off with me at my stop.

April 7 dream:  At court hearing everyone is very pro-woman including the woman trying to seduce me. She says, “You’re 12.” and I couldn’t disagree.

April 7 dream:  Driving around the edge of Lake Tahoe. People threatening us. General mayhem.

April 7 dream:  Get job at big fancy law firm. Can’t figure out where things are. Finally wander out of the building. Run into young man. We talk. He wanders off. Try to find a place to sort through my papers to find phone number so I can call the temp agency or my employer. Go to part of S.F. I’d never seen before. Lots of very well-dressed people running to make the performance on time. I thought, “I’ve never seen that before.”

April 6, 2021:  Up early to go to VA for COVID shot at 10:45 a.m. Take K to Market and Third. Feel a little “shitty.” Beautiful, tall, dark and handsome man in shorts on Third Street. Get shot. Walk up Market to Laguna. See dead mouse on Market. Still feeling “shitty.” Take K to Portola shopping center. Have nice talk with Maggie at M.S. Then Starbucks. Adam there. He still doesn’t register with me. Other very masculine guy with buzz cut. I’m kind of blown over by him. #43 home. Work online ’til 4ish. Shits at 4ish. Walk to copy place to get my COVID certificate laminated, but they closed at 4. Take nap. Feeling crappy all evening.

April 6 nap dream:  I’m about to join others swimming in elevated, dammed-up ocean, but I get called away. Taking pictures of explosions in the East Bay. Bob Meslinsky arrives in official Red Cross-type outfit. I try to kiss him, then say, ” Oh, I forgot. We aren’t supposed to kiss anymore.”

April 6 dream:  In motorcycle race with two Toms and two others. I’m not racing, just releasing the drivers at the right moment.

April 6 dream:  My employers want to keep on young female singer ’cause they believe the’ll be the next Bardu.

April 6 dream:  Horses swimming in clear, grayish/yellowish waves. One playfully biting another.

April 6 dream:  “3 weeks.”

April 6 dream:  On lawn discussing getting rid of H,W,, M. requirement for our group which has grown a lot since we started about a year ago.

April 6 dream:  Give Oprah an article on gay women. I have a sort of thing for her.

April 5, 2021:  Finish work early. Work on book. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola to Starbucks. Anthony there. I ask him about guy named Adam who used to work there. He served old woman drink and asked if she wanted a straw. She didn’t hear him. So I repeated, “Do you want a straw?” She returned and got her straw. I think (but do not say to Anthony), “We make a good team.” (*Relates to shits from two days ago?) #43 home. Receive $1400 credit card in mail. Take a while to figure out how to transfer money to my bank.

April 5 dream:  Somebody trying to check out my teeth. I hide them.

April 4, 2021:  3 p.m. RHS workshop. Al leaves early. Steve H. there. Walk down Ocean and up to Monterey to Safeway. Then #43 home right away. Call Steve H. We talk almost an hour. Line goes dead just when Steve starts talking about the global warming “hoax.” Insight: My father wants me to hit him (i.e., be a man) so he can let himself off the hook about what he did to me (i.e., made me a woman).

April 4 dream:  Big hunk of wax comes out of my left ear.

April 4 dream:  Take girl to motel pool game from balcony. Someone throws a frisbee our way. I don’t go for it. My girlfriend gets closer to guy competing with me.

April 4 dream:  Thane leaves, then comes back. I had spilled some water on the floor. He suggests that we get rid of the coverings on the mats. So I did. I admitted I had spilled some water.

April 4 dream:  I was getting ready to go on TV news to talk about important historical moment/speech in Black history.

April 3, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 4:30ish. Walk down Ocean and up towards Starbucks Portola. Feel “shits” coming on. Turn around and go home. Make it home around 5:30. Have “shits.” Go to Target for matcha latte. Meet Ashton Kutcher/Tom Carroll/Tom C.-type guy at Walgreens. I follow him from aisle to aisle for a while. He’s beautiful and funny. (*Relates to guy I saw at Creighton’s on March 31, I think.) Then Target. Then home.

April 3 dream:  They started playing the moving music to AOC’s/our documentary. My father, who was standing next to me, puts his hand out to touch me.

April 3 dream:  Go to dinner with Nannie (my father’s mother) and others. I catch her on the step ladder down. She’s very nicely dressed. We both mention that we ate too much. Run into Louise Denish and others who attended lecture by Lincoln.

April 2, 2021:  10 a.m. online meeting by Social Dilemma creators. Not very impressed. Get vaccine appointment for April 6!!! In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. My gay friend there. Not excited to see me. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Then Anthony at Starbucks. He is happy to see me today. I give him card for Jun’s hair salon. #43 home. Late for Prosperos Roundtable. Only 8 in attendance.

April 2 dream:  Trying to fill the warehouse order of some big shot.

April 2 dream:  At pool next to ugly government building, guy in very brief swim suit with hairy ass. Girlfriend pulls him out of water. They are gleeful about he huge wave of water that is coming.

April 2 dream:  Moving into my new apartment. Get phone call from phone I didn’t know I had. Cathy T. picks up. Then someone else. Then I take it since it’s my house. It’s William Fennie. He says, “What are you doing?” I say, “We just got back from [some place] and we’re moving in.”

April 1, 2021:  10 a.m. VA appointment. Bills. Monthly BB. Feel bad about VA appointment. Admitting to therapist that when my mother was shot and killed in front of me, I thought, “At last. I’m going to be famous.” In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to Starbucks. Kaleb brief with me. #43 home. RHS my father on the way. Run into Tom Blair on way in.

April 1 dream:  At friend’s house. They continue same enjoyment from hier. Thane tells me, “You know, you’re in the Florida 16 group.”

April 1 dream:  “Michael,” Black woman calls my name on indoor hiking trail in an abandoned house.

March 31, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Beautiful day. Walk up Portola. Look in at Creighton’s. Cute, friendly, open, eager guy there. Then M.S. Beautiful dark-haired Asian guy stops me in my tracks. Go to Starbucks. See Asian guy again. I stop in my tracks. No response. I walk past him and then turn around and walk backwards. Still no response. Makes me mad/sad. (*Relates to haunted garden dream of March 30?) #43 home. Similar acting Asian guy on #43 gets off at my stop.

March 31 dream:  Walk by John H.’s grandmother’s house. Door is open. Wonder if he’s there. Wonder if I can just walk in. I think I did once before. (h.o.)

March 30, 2021:  Wake up early with tight chest. Take nap later. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Then Starbucks. #43 home. See shadow of hawk? See Noah at W.F. Later cute Asian guy with big, black afro. I say, “I like your hair.” He says, “Thanks.” (*Relates to distant hawk from hier?) Email to Brandee at SF Berniecrats suggesting Gloria Berry run for Congress. (*Relates to zombie dream of March 29?) “Heart attack” in p.m. relates to John reading my diary?

March 30 dream:  Getting very intimate with woman who is helping me fill out form. For example we were sitting on the floor together and her leg was placed under mine.

March 30 dream:  Go into haunted gardena and try to deconstruct the spookiness. Somebody took apart one trolley which had a lot of old pictures on it. It seemed a lot less scary.

March 29, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola to Starbucks. Anthony there. Mad at me. Not speaking to me. Distant hawk at laguna Honda Boulevard. #43 home. “John withdrawal” in p.m.

March 29 dream:  A train full of zombies or people becoming zombies. One cute guy with sunken cheeks kisses little boy on the cheek. Little boy’s mother next to them.

March 29 nap dream:  Go to new part of S.F. Meet guy as I leave resto. He puts book on counter. Says, “It’s vector science” or something like that. He leaves as I do. I turn around several times. He waves at two sets of cute twin baby boys. I am about to say to him, “I recognize you from …” And then wake up.

March 28, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola to Teresita to Foerster. Pass two women gardening on Foerster. Young woman in tight colorful pants. I thought of saying something clever about the cactuses they were planting, but couldn’t think of anything. Tried to tell myself that I was gay and that I shouldn’t bother with her. Later realized that was a lie and that a new self-confidence was emerging within me. (*Relates to hawk from hier in G.C.P, I think.) Safeway. #43 home.

March 28 dream:  In a lobby with his tall, good-looking peers, Tom C. stands out as a hero.

March 28 dream:  I agree to join a political group, trying to help people have sexual freedom and eat hard candy. Bill F. and wife there.

March 28 dream:  Sitting at table with John H.’s father and two others. I say to John H.’s father, “You’ve got great kids. Every one of them!”

March 27, 2021:  Translation workshop in a.m. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior. Follow cute guy south on Mission. Then decide to drop by 671 Madrid to see Bill H.’s house. It’s pretty nice. Then walk to Excelsior library. Finally get Misfits, Season 2. Then Lee at G.P. Then Sudoku at G.P. Then hawk at G.C.P. Then Anthony at Starbucks. Better then hier. Still feel sad on leaving him. #43 home. Beeps. YouTube video about consciousness in p.m. I scream!

March 27 dream:  Romeo and Juliet get together at end of Romeo & Juliet-type affair.

March 27 dream:  Inputting list of names. It starts to erase on its own. I type in STOP. Giants v. Dodgers game starting. Not much interest.

March 27 dream:  My Mercedes parked near gas station. I have to re-park it. Somebody says something sarcastically about how great the ’50s were.

March 26, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. to buy Chron. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks. Anthony there. I told him I mistook Timothy for him hier. He told me, “Yeah, he told me.” They were former roommates. As I left, it seemed like Anthony wanted me to say more. Felt uncomfortable. Later, I realized this probably related to last dream of March 25 of man and woman entering a rocket ship, about to take off. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30. About 11 attended. Not Tom. C. Mad at Hanz for making a big deal about being sure we pass on Translation to future generations. This is something he frequently brings up more to show off, I think, than anything else. As in, “Aren’t I clever to realize that we who knew Thane may not be around forever.”

March 26 dream:  Left a pretty big computer class without having completed the assignment. Awkward handshake with teacher as I left.

March 25, 2021:  Go to 1 p.m. dental appointment. Cute long-haired guy on K bus. He gets off at Portola. I see him later at M.S. He’s a worker there. Lots of fire engines on the way. Guy in skin-tight black shorts on Market. Sarah calls while I’m sitting in the sun waiting for my dental appointment. Charlene is my dental assistant. Meet homeless artist Brett on Market after. Then homeless guy in front of 440 bar. Then walk up Market to M.S. Nice talk with Maggie who is majoring in psychology. Timothy, Monica, and Kaleb at Starbucks. Monica’s last closing. Run into Adoré on Ocean. He just got off work and was on his way to gym. He told me of his plans to set up his own business. Insight: Me eating chocolates is like me saying, “I just want to be a normal boy.”

March 25 dream:  Visit old lady in our neighborhood. An even older lady is moaning in pain on the floor with a bloody back. Healthy, friendly dog likes me. I want to get away as soon as possible.

March 25 dream:  Somebody where I was a guest was handing out lemon meringue pie. They were thinking of giving a piece to the dog, but they didn’t give me a piece.

March 25 dream:  Young Swedish guy with tan takes off his shirt. Someone offers to give him a massage. He says, “I don’t mind a masseur, as long as he’s 84.” while looking at me. I say, “74.”

March 25 dream:  “Spent fuel.”

March 25 dream:  Profile of a man and a woman boarding mid-level on a standing rocket ship.

March 24, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Thinking about how to respond to Calvin’s email about the deanship of The Prosperos. When I forego my lawyerly response, nice strong man on Amber Drive asks me how I am. “Fine,” I say. I think he was a tulpa. Then Starbucks. Anthony there. We wave. #43 home. Two very cute guys. One in back seat eyes me. Later when he gets off, he kind of struts. Was this my TYT friend from December 13, 2020? Other guy ignores me. Then 3rd guy as I exit. I follow him to guy who walked into 1100 Ocean Avenue, who I wolf-whistled under my breath.

March 24 dream:  I get spot off bathroom rug, thus gaining points. I tell others that I get in tub. Water has mostly drained out. I’m still dressed. Others are putting their wet clothes on pipes in the ceiling.

March 24 dream:  Visit Mary L. My hair is wild and full and brown. We drive into town, me to get a haircut, she to see a friend and go to a play. I drive the car backwards to get out of lot. Slightly scrape another car. Then we (now four of us) head out into traffic.

March 24 dream:  Me and friend talking about the importance of not throwing out lust. We are on busy freeway. He drives me to outdoor church I had been to once before.

March 23, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk down Ocean. Cute young guy trips on sidewalk. Then disappears. Hawk flies to lamppost. Then disappears. (Made me mad.) On to Starbucks Portola. Tall, cute guy at Portola and Sydney Way. I follow him to Laguna Honda Boulevard. Hooded skateboarder says, “Hi.” Very cute dark-haired guy in sweatpants on #43. He avoided my glances. Then nice guy who I followed to McD parking lot. Felt a little grief on leaving him. On #43 home, came up with term “spiritual athlete” for how I felt about myself and my life.

March 23 dream:  Chris Rock-type guy under the covers with me shaving one of my legs at the direction of somebody else.

March 22, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Portola to M.S. Then Starbucks. As I leave Starbucks, M.S. worker I’d never seen before holds the door open for me. (*Relates to sudden hawk hier at GCP?) Guy waiting for #43 across the street from me. Cute guy on #43 avoiding my glance. I sit near him. He gets off at my stop. We diverge. Then come together again. Turns out he lives across Ocean Avenue from me. Guy smoking outside W.F. I say, “Is this the smoking area?” He says, “Yes.” I say, “Too bad I don’t smoke.”

March 22 dream:  Somebody gave me a note saying he owed me $40 ’cause I protected him from being kissed by someone. (h.o.)

March 22 dream:  Three healthy men getting all excited about conjugated obscure verbs and needlepoint beginning 5 months from now or now.

March 22 dream:  Test in use of semicolons. Two cute but bratty little kids who wouldn’t go home.

March 21, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. RHS (Releasing the Hidden Splendour) workshop at 3 p.m. In ’til 5ish. Walk to Portola to Starbucks. Cute Japanese guy outside Japanese resto on Ocean. Talk to my father in my mind. I say, “How would you like to be sexually accosted?” Then realized maybe that’s what he did want. To be sexual with another man. And in mid-’50s America, I was the closest thing he could allow himself. So in a way my father was telling me that this is what he wanted but he could only go so far. And maybe I’d be able to go further in my life (like every parent wants something better for their children). (*Relates to motorcycles and guy giving me a thumbs up on Mission Street hier?) Further insight: When my mother was shot dead in front of me, I thought: “At last, I’m going to become famous.” And when my father told me he was going to remarry, I thought: “At last, I can go back to being a “normal’ boy.’” In both instances my ego was exposed. With my mother’s death, it was pretty obvious. With my father remarrying, who was I kidding? I was never going to be a ‘normal’ boy. #43 home. Cute taciturn Japanese guy smiles at me. Then pretended I didn’t exist.

March 21 dream:  My 2nd mother is very involved in my school, but on the other side of the issues than me. I tell her, “Thank you very much, mother, for being involved in our school.”

March 21 dream:  I lied to my boss, told him I was 84 when I was really 87.

March 20, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. See maybe 100 motorcycles on Ocean Avenue. Think maybe it relates to John. Guy on Mission Street store gives me a thumbs up as I pass. Then G.P. Then as I enter G.C.P. hawk flies very close over my head and around me. As I think this must relate to John, too, gay guy walking the other direction smiles at me. Hear roar of motorcycles (the same group from before?) as I approach M.S. Kaleb at Starbucks. See “lingering finish.” #43 home. Bunch of too-loud young skateboarders in back of bus. They get off at Ridgewood. One of them is beautiful young black guy with long flowing mane of black hair. I’m furious I didn’t know he was one of them. I would certainly have sat amongst them if I knew. Hope and assume I’ll run into him again sometime. In p.m. Translate “Consumption of some foods can cause pain.” Conclusion: Truth translates everything into energy, resulting in endless pleasure.

March 20 dream:  Trying to sign up for gym. Not any vacancies and gyms that are open make too many demands.

March 20 dream:  Taking class with lots of people. Tom C. there. He asks out pretty young law student from Hayward. They go off in car with many other young kids. Then she gets out. As I’m walking out, someone makes a comment that I’m very feminine looking. I have my jacket loosely hanging over my shoulder. Later drive S.F. street I’d never seen before from this direction.

March 19, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola and the over the hill to Safeway. Young man with his mother. I desired him perhaps more than I should have. So I walked on. Later ran across him again. He looked at me excitedly. I looked at him excitedly. He had on a T-shirt saying “University of Area 51”). Other guy there, too. Really long lines. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. not there. I came in late. Conversation veered off to discussing straight guy who liked to wear his girlfriend’s underwear. I said, “It’s just the literal enactment of ‘getting into somebody’s pants.’” Apparently that offended one person. I felt good about it.

March 19 dream:  Guy runs after me on the street and catches up with me and threatens me with his belt. He is joined by two other guys. They can’t figure out what’s going to get me off.

March 19 dream:  Not speaking to one guy. Then another. Can’t remember why.

March 18, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola to Starbucks. Kaleb there talking about Starbucks stars. #43 home. DSA podcast on the Paris commune at 6:30 p.m. Taylor moderates. He’s cute and sweet and apparently married. Lots of self-important talk.

March 18 dream:  Backyard and back of Saratoga house is falling apart. White manager is no longer listening to black manager.

March 18 dream:  “The Sale of 57 Schools”(?) by Patricia Gruber(?). Thane recommends it as we work from center. I put rug on floor and circular mirror so people won’t fall thru to the basement. Thane says to me, “I feel sorry for a public person like you. You’ve got a lot of uncovering to do.”

March 18 dream:  Woman gets hit by car on hilly street of S.F. She doesn’t want any help. I go to fancy resto where you pay different prices to sit in different areas. I walk out. Guy towing cart talking about his grandmother’s “pussy.”

March 17, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola to Starbucks. Kaleb tells me (again) that he lives near Minnie and Lovie Park which is just over the hill from where I live. #43 home. Guy at Ocean and Lee who didn’t want to play with me. Listen to Richard Tarnas and Adam Curtis on YouTube in p.m.

March 17 dream:  I give woman instructions on last shipment, rolled into piece of chocolate. Then we kissed in front of one of her co-workers.

March 17 dream:  Older English woman who we were vacationing with told us she had gotten shot in the back of her leg. I asked if it was accidental. She didn’t respond. We were eating French fries and biscuits.

March 17 dream:  July 15, 1999.

March 17 dream:  Thane going off about something a few doors down. It lasted for quite a while.

March 17 dream:  Tom O. on ledge of building talking about how Hillary wasn’t that important a member of the family. He was inviting someone to join him. He kept walking out and it turned out there was a clear plastic walkway across the whole street.

March 16, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk thru CCSF to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Talked with Lee. Told him I was interested in the J&J vaccine. He said that it’s only 60% effective. I said I’d take my chances. Then see ’59 red Mustang (just like the car I saw in a light reverie as I was awakening this a.m.) I googled ’59 red Mustang and it was the same one I saw. (J. was born in ’59.) Then G.C.P. Trip on way out. As I arrive on Portola Drive, see beautiful strong man with baby on his stomach. I pass in front of him and notice cute little sun glasses baby had on. I said, “I like the sunglasses.” He said, “And they’re polarized.” They crossed to the other side of the street and I looked back and saw them walking in the same direction as me. Then looked back again and they were gone. Starbucks. #43 home. Skateboarder trying to avoid my glance.

March 16 dream:  Tell group I was talking to that I helped Tom C. out financially (by lending him $40).

March 15, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk Ocean to Portola. Joan at Walgreens tells me she thinks we’ll never get back to normal. Walk up Portola to M.S. Check out with my friend who just cut his own hair with Wahl clippers. Anthony at Starbucks. We wave hello and later goodbye. #43 home.

March 15 nap dream:  Take public bus somewhere. It stops half-way. Have to take private bus. Nancy O. has no money so I buy her ticket. Now she owes me $5. Woman taking my money was an Aquarian into astrology.

March 15 dream:  Hang out with some beatniks in N.Y. They want me to follow strict procedures.

March 15 dream:  Have whole table full of addresses we need to input and mail to. I feel overwhelmed. But I tell my female supervisor that 3 or 4 of us are in today and that we should be able to make some progress and that if other jobs come up we’ll do them as they arrive. Also, an open box full of unwrapped chocolate candy bars.

March 14, 2021:  Sleep ’til noon (Daylight Savings Time). Insight: Realize that I’ve encountered all three of John’s  brothers (Rick, Bob and Bill) in the past. Rick in ’95 or ’96 when I (and I guess he) was volunteering at Galileo High School. I looked at him. He walked away flirtatiously. Bob, one day when I was visiting John at his Real Food store on 24th Street. He looked very much like John and came on to me like John as well. And finally Bill, who I saw one day sitting on a building ledge over Castro Street during a Castro Street Fair. He just looked at me. In ’til 4ish. (*This realization relates to first hawk/owl from hier, I think.) Walk down Ocean and up Portola. Kaleb at Starbucks. He says, “I like your haircut.” (*Relates to 2nd hawk from hier?) #43 home.

March 14 dream:  Take elevator down to 1st floor to hear presidential debate. Woman there says, “You’ll be the only boy.” Then she ask why I’m interested. I asked her if she was going. She said, “Of course.”

March 14 dream:  Me being attracted to two women in tight dresses.

March 13, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. 7 attended. We Translated “Healthcare workers are overwhelmed.” My conclusion: “Nothing can overpower Truth.” Anonymous call at noonish. (*Relates to hawks from hier?) Online work. Nap. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Hawk (or owl?) on Ocean Avenue. Then see card on sidewalk which says, “We were meant to be.” And more. Then Excelsior. Librarian was reading about Dante. Then another hawk on Monterey Boulevard. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. See coyote. Then Janet, the “Coyote Lady.” Then Starbucks. #43 home. Insight: Touching from September 28 was possibly John’s mother Lucille comforting me for the behavior of her son(s).

March 13 dream:  Fill out application for speaker to speak in S.F.

March 13 dream:  In Sacramento on very relaxed train. Leave the train to go in town. Forget my two bags of luggage which contained my I.D. Go back. Trains are suddenly crowded and hot. Can’t find my I.D.

March 12, 2021:  Up early. Online work. Take nap. 2 p.m. haircut with Jun. Hawk or two at CCSF parking lot on the way. Jun and I talk about being gay, which he says he’s not. Safeway. Cute guy there. I talk with him briefly. #43 home. Out again. Follow cute guy across the street. Go to burrito place. Throw it away ’cause worker didn’t use plastic gloves. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 Tom C. there seemed very sad. Later saw him smiling at his wife which made me sad. After midnight, hear and see person being carried out of their apartment on a stretcher accompanied by 8 or so medics. (*Hope this relates–metaphorically–to John.)

March 12 dream:  My mother’s death is being looked into (h.o.)

March 12 dream:  Quickly read thru book given in class.

March 11, 2021:  Slept ’til 11:30 a.m. Still recovering from yesterday’s “Surprise.” Sarah calls. Mary L. calls. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. and up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Tesia there. #43 home. 5:30 meeting re Chesa Boudin. Shits in p.m.

March 10, 2021:  Insight: Realized NROTC dream of February 14 may relate to me thinking about moving back to Polk Street area to recap the excitement of first moving to S.F. John or one of his brothers called in a.m. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Did some internet research on John. Found out his apartment number, which I never knew. They also listed three phone numbers, all of which I called. Not sure any of them were good. Walk up Portola to M.S. See “Surprise.” Then Starbucks. #43 home. More research on John. Found out his mother died in 2019. Also that he has a long-time partner named KK Downey. Not sure if that’s a real person or not. (*Relates to “Surprise” from earlier today?) Maybe I’m KK Downey.

March 10 dream:  It’s lunch beak in class. Someone going to Hawaii to swim. I want to go someplace to eat.

March 9, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Decide to walk up Monterey to use Safeway restroom. Two little neurotic, unleashed, barking dogs on the way. Safeway restroom closed. Catch #43 right away home. Take shit. Then walk to Walgreens (for Chron) and Target (for matcha) and home. Follow cute guy in and out of W.F. Then McDs. Then home. Big rain about 12:45 a.m. Sounded like the sky was falling.

March 9 dream:  I’m sitting with Thane and another person between us. I’m reading from some book of Thane’s I’d never read before. He’s talking about Lee, who he said brought a lot of negativity and yet a lot of positivity. I said, “I’d never heard you talk about him before. “ he said, “Did you know you could get [either] cirrhosis or pregnant medically?”

March 9 dream:  Attend Prosperos assembly-type event over the weekend. Visit other Prospero student after. One woman gets all teary on leaving. I think she’s in love with me. She says, “I love you, Mark,” referring to the guy standing behind me. There was a wavy waterway just outside. And in the distance some kind of smoking explosion.

March 9 dream:  I help clean up outdoor school area.

March 9 dream:  Having fun online wish the Sunday Nite Translation group.

March 8, 2021:  Online work. Take nap. In ’til 4ish. As I walk out masked skateboarder (Jesse?) waves hello as he entered W.F. Walk up Portola to Starbucks. Anthony there. He’s cut all his hair off. As I leave he says, “Bye.” I say, “Bye” and involuntarily twerk my butt. (*Relates to hawk from hier. Also March 6 dream of very gay guy, I think.) #43 home. Vegetable guy and beautiful woman who checks me out at W.F. Home.

March 8 dream:  Three guys at my apartment finally leave. Then hang out outside. Then finally come back in. I want them to leave but then I start feeling up the cutest one and he me. And we have sex in front of several others. (h.o.)

March 8 dream:  Went to the Castro at night. Avoiding place where people expected me to go. Heard of after-hours club just opening up called the Blue Angel. It was mostly young lesbians. Turns out I sat across from one of the only guys there. He looked like a very young Ricky Nelson with a stubble beard. He said intensely something about “Johnson.” I said somebody mentioned that to me earlier in the day. Minister there is giving awards to those who did well in their group. I was interested in what he was doing so began reading about it.

March 7, 2021:  Watch sexual abuse survival video. Insight: Refusing sex with beautiful men a form of self-abuse? In ’til 4ish. Walk up Portola. Translation conclusion: Truth is infinite appropriate energy. See hawk over Portola. M.S. Starbucks. Go to #43 Muni stop. No phone. So I retrace all my steps. Go to M.S. Starbucks, 7-11 and walk all the way home, Translating along the way. Half way home realize I may have left phone at home, which turned out to be the case.

March 7 dream:  Sean Connery at EDD. He shows me old raggedy signs that say we need to re-register every summer. I say, “I’m not going to do that unless they ask me personally.”

March 7 dream:  A healing service or memorial on October 11 and 12. Two women and I began it with a fun song talking about the devil and sin.

March 7 dream:  “a felt earthquake.”

March 6, 2021:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Check out Real Life from the guy who recommended it to me. On to G.P. Talk with Lee. Then G.C.P. Little boy comes running up to me to say hello. Come up with insight about wealth: “Real wealth is not how much you’ve accumulated. It’s how much you’ve let go.” Starbucks. #43 home.

March 6 dream:  At Prosperos center, words on back of matchbook says, “If we don’t have your number, call us. Call me.” Then street sign comes up to my desk and falls over and says, “Call this number.”

March 6 dream:  Guy has us tearing up boxes with with our hands. I say, “That’s not too bad. You had us killing people earlier.”

March 6 dream:  Very gay guy wins contest I didn’t know we were still having. I was just behind him though. Everyone remarks how gracious he and others were. I drive off thinking, “I’ve got to get back to my regular life.”

March 5, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Beautiful black woman security guard at Walgreens. I turn around and she’s a he. Walk up Portola. Sergio at Starbucks doesn’t even look at me. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. 11 attended. My solution to the right-wing: “Outlive the bastards.”

March 5 dream:  Edith gets thrown in the pool. Then remembers where she was.

March 5 dream:  Woman’s cake should have been set aside before it was counted.

March 5 dream:  Hanging out with magnetic but unattractive British guy. I’m British, too.

March 5, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m.

March 4, 2021:  Online work. Excellent jerk-off session. In ’til 4ish. Walk up Portola to Teresita to Safeway. See Alan there. Anonymous call in p.m. (*Relates to shits from hier?)

March 4 dream:  Trying to retrieve damaged sheets to submit to somebody.

March 4 dream:  Lots of soldiers (including me) crawling along railway track so as not to be seen by the oncoming train.

March 4 dream:  In N.Y. with new friend on trolley. They were talking about person they knew. I asked it they knew Chris [Hinrichs].

March 4 dream:  Strange, naked man with vagina asks if he can hang out with couple at their home.

March 3, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Take shits at M.S. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Stop midway to take photo of rain over the ocean. Then I’m late for 5 p.m. Wolf-PAC meeting. Only 7 of us there. Then 6:30 p.m. Berniecrats meeting which lasted almost 3 hours. They didn’t bring up the creation of a recruiting committee as I proposed and was approved at our last meeting. So I brought that up. And it was agreed to discuss this at our next meeting. Brandon very supportive.

March 3 dream:  Start at new office. Can’t find plant I was going to dust and water. Get in conversation with 2 or 3 guys. One talking about how he wanted to be like some character I’d never heard of. Then another saying, “These underground conversations are dead important, man.” I said, “I know.” At the beginning of the conversation, I didn’t hear them. Later I did.

March 3 dream:  Look at big N.Y. apartment for fun. Many rooms. Old woman staying on in one of them. Guy says we could pay $100,000 down and pay the remaining amount in a loan. We (my friend and I) could almost do it.

March 3 dream:  Get in big “silent fight” with Ana Kasparian while she’s talking with Cenk.

March 2, 2021:  Online work. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Go to M.S. Then Starbucks. Realized I’d forgotten something. Then remembered I forgot soy milk. Get very upset with myself. Then told myself to shut up. (*Relates to fight dream last dream of February 28?) Don Bechler Zoom memorial at 5 p.m. Upstairs apartment moves out?

March 2 dream:  Trying to put cream cheese on a knife. Guy who mistrusted me goes outside to fight somebody.

March 2 dream:  Alternating gold and pearl necklace.

March 1, 2021:  Do “Don’t Kill It Bernie” video for TYT. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean. Cute little boy blocks my passage. Walgreens closed. Walk up Portola. Starbucks. #43 home. Beautiful Latino man in W.F. I follow him a bit and finally we exchange glances.

March 1 dream:  Go thru the same sky there. Some do not survive. I do. Woman in little wagon says she’s the taxi come to pick another woman up.

March 1 dream:  Man offers himself to woman.

March 1 dream:  Flying around the room to show off for some people.

February 28, 2021:  Work online. Catch up 2 or 3 days on my diary. Feel very good about what I’ve written. Like I’ve come to the conclusion of my book. In ’til 3ish. Buy Chron at Walgreens. Joan tells me she’s skeptical of taking any vaccine. I agree. Walk up Portola to M.S. Check out with “Sir Allen.” Then Starbucks. Then #43 arrives just as I arrive at stop. I hurriedly finish my latte and put on my mask. As I enter bus, I lock eyes with beautiful black guy who’s seated across aisle from slightly overweight white woman. They get off in two more stops. Guy gives me 2nd glance as he exists bus. (*Relates to “Scarborough warning” from February 26?)

February 28 dream:  General trying to … his son off to Ms. Titmouse. i’m trying to make my way thru. (h.o.)

February 28 dream:  Kids running in excitedly to do something. I am there as well for some reason.

February 28 dream:  Visit Pat Lambert and her husband and two other people I know at new apartment complex just south of S.F. I went to see if there are any vacancies there.

February 28 dream:  Bully gives me bag of stuff and says to go for more. I say, “I’m leaving ’cause if I don’t, I’m going to kill you.” He leads me away from woman so we can fight.

February 27, 2021:  Translation group. Take nap. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Five guys practicing martial arts on CCSF campus. Nice guy at library reading book about gay, black guy studying with all white men at Midwest university (Real Life). Then on to G.P. Beautiful Harley-Davidson and its owner on Cotter Street. Then two young black guys at G.P. liquor store. One not wanting to pay for bag of chips he tore. Lee and his mother there. G.C.P. Two women at Starbucks seemed to be talking about me behind my back. Then get burrito from Latina who also seemed impenetrable. Insight: Just ’cause you’ve been sexually bused as a child doesn’t necessarily mean you will abuse others. But the thought and desire to do so may have been planted. For me, the realization of the source of this desire completely eradicates any trace of it that may have existed. As Hemingway said, “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.”

February 27 nap dream:  Guys asking me about tract of land in S.F. I said I remember reading about it in the Chronicle a few days ago. One guy older. One guy younger. Younger guy has bubble butt. We all get on Muni which went up steep hill on conveyor belt. I wondered if we would make it to the top.

February 27 dream:  I told Tom O. I wanted to buy a car. He said for that particular model they send somebody over from Holland to drive it. We were in a locker room at the time.

February 27 dream:  I’m working in busy law office, supervising two other workers, one a temp.

February 26, 2021:  Get anonymous call. (Relates to guy pissing on house hier?) See “Scarborough warning.” Finish taxes. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola. Hawk in alley. Starbucks. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. 14 people attended. Insight: My fear at Unitarian Church experience with John in January 1987 related not to my fear of my father but my fear of society if they knew what I had done with him.

February 26 dream:  Returning to school in downtown S.F. Follow Maggie Cox but lose her. Take shit in open-air toilet. Administrator comes up to me and asks me to do something while I’m in the middle of shitting.

February 26 dream:  Young man wants me to help him with his Indian friend staying in Finland and comes out in the gay world. He lists himself as o/o among other things. Nice woman joins our table.

February 25, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola. Then Teresita to Safeway. Old guy pissing on front of house off Portola. Get anonymous call. Check out at Safeway. Then notice Nur at another checkout station. So I go back and buy something else just to be able to talk with him. Woman in front of me in line says, “Do you want to hear a joke?” I say, “Sure.” She says, “A man and a woman go to a retreat and there is only one vacant room left. So they agree to share it. The man is on the top bunk and the woman on the bottom. During the night the man asks the woman if she could get him another blanket? She says ‘It’s only one night. Do you want to pretend we are married?’ He excitedly says, ‘Sure.’ Then she says, ‘Great. Go get the blanket yourself.’” #43 home. Same Asian guy as hier. He’s still ignoring me. Me RHSing my father: “’As for you, you meant this for evil, but God [Consciousness] meant this for good.’ I knew you weren’t a real father. So I went out and found one. I found Thane.”

February 25 dream:  Try to share my Japanese … with friends who don’t appreciate it.

February 25 dream:  N.Y. crowd. Guy says, “I’m not myself unless I dominate the room.” I’m sitting in stairwell with others. He looks in and says, “Cover up whoever is most insecure.” My arm was covering over somebody else. Then he said hello to somebody I didn’t know was in the stairwell with me. I say, “I hate when that happens.”

February 25 dream:  Ride up to North Bay. See several old high school friends, mostly Ashley Card, who seemed really happy to see me. She showed me all her plants, especially the millennials.

February 25 dream:  Dream of tripping and falling. [Actually pull my back out.]

February 24, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Insight: My hated of women (in the abstract) relates to the privilege status they had in my family. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Anthony there. We smiled at each other. #43 home. Cute Asian guy on bus got off at the same stop as I did. Further insight: Every time I refused the invitation of some good-looking man, I was refusing my father within me. I was saying to him, “You’re not going to hurt him like you hurt me!”

February 24 dream:  A percentage of voters would still vote for Bernie Sanders. (h.o.)

February 24 dream:  Carol Carter trying to fly away from group. Or someone else trying to fly away from Carol and the group.

February 24 dream:  Votes are still being tallied up in Florida and other places. I am one of the talliers. I tell fellow tallier, “I am not a masochist.”

February 23, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Young woman in passing car yells at me in excitement. Makes me feel good. Go to library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Then M.S. Check out with”Sir Allen.” Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Cute young blond guy in muscle T-shirt on my way in. Sexual Incest Survivors phone group from 6 to 8 p.m. Made me mad at my father; “You can’t just take what you want. I’ll never be like you!” This pledge probably relates to me turning down the many sexual opportunities I’ve had with beautiful men in my life.

February 23 dream:  Check into beach hotel in building I used to live in. I didn’t go into a room but put my stuff down and got on a bed-shaped chair near an entryway. Started masturbating. Heard some people. Stopped.

February 23 dream:  I or someone is taking dictation from the Soviet government. Suddenly I am asked to stop. And being kicked out.

February 23 dream:  At Jewish newspaper, we’re toying with the headline: “Is It Over?”

February 23 dream:  “Manflood!”

February 23 dream:  I’m the de facto guy in charge of setting up the next event.

February 22, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to M.S. Portola using slightly different route. On San Pablo Avenue, think about moving to Chicago. Guy driving by smiles at me. Anthony at Starbucks. He’s dyed his hair red. I talked with him about his class on “The ’60s.” #43 home. See my hall painter friend on the way in. Insight: I may not have stood up to my father, but I did stand up to Thane. That counts for something. Watched Going Clear in p.m. Realized my cult was not The Prosperos, but my family.

February 22 dream:  Having dinner date with woman. I get out of the shower. Still an hour left on the date. We are near a swimming pool. A few others are with us.

February 22 dream:  Sit next to Bob d’Arcy on train. He had tried to get another seat but missed.

February 22 dream:  Riding on wild ride on bus. Bus stops. In Coos, I say, “Are we going to walk the rest of the way?” Write conclusion or forward to book.

February 22 dream:  Work at cab dispatch company. There are three of us phone operators. The phones go out. I go and buy some strawberry ice cream. It’s near the beach.

February 21, 2021:  Working online. Looking for YouTube I could listen to while I worked. Up popped a video about men surviving sexual abuse. Listened to video after video. Finally ran into video featuring somebody I used to work with and even went out to dinner with once. Will attend online group on Tuesday night. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean. Beautiful unmasked young man smiles slyly at me. Walk to M.S. Talk with Daniel, the vegetable guy, about Easter and other things. Checked out with “Sir Allen.” #43 home. Insight: Looking in the mirror. Not looking good. Asked myself, “Who am I trying to look good for?” Realized it was my father.

February 21 dream:  My co-worker wants to go on all day nude event. I’m not so sure.

February 21 dream:  Prosperos assembly is roaring success. Big room. Maybe 250 people. I sit next to Amy Cuff and Stephanie Bowden. Also dark-skinned guy I used to work with and liked a lot. Later on in an open-air train, we look at holographic image of woman who is afraid her money will be taken from her.

February 21 dream:  Tom O. calls me from other end of park. Wants his “smelling salts.” I comply.

February 20, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. Later I jerk off. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Talk with Lee. He says he’s been writing about the S.F. Opera performing at Ft. Mason. On to G.C.P. Francesca at Starbucks Portola. Then Asian guy entering Pakwan resto as I get home. Insight: Reason I get off on cute men being humiliated (as I did earlier today when I jerked off) is because I’m re-enacting what my father did to me. He used his power over me to get off. I get off when those with power over me (beautiful men) are humiliated or brought down. That’s probably why I’ve had so much difficulty accepting sexual invitations from beautiful men. I didn’t want that self in me to emerge. This is what Billye Talmadge was talking about so many years ago when she told me that I never took into consideration my own feelings about any particular situation. (*See dream of me embracing Billye from February 19.) And also Thane’s remarks that whatever gives you a delicious sense of excitement followed by a terrible sense of shame is something which will need to be worked on a lot.

February 20 dream:  Woman saying to us, “Did anyone die last time?” I say, “Yeah, I died a couple of times.” (h.o.)

February 20 dream:  We’re sitting at a couple of tables. All kinds of men try to kiss Tom C. He tells them to knock it off.

February 20 dream:  Putting my clean clothes in the dryer.

February 19, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Pick up new Bernie mug Sarah left me. Walk up Portola to M.S. Then Starbucks. Talk with Kaleb. Sergio kind of stand-offish. #43 home. See hall painter in the lobby. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Rick Thomas not there. Tom C. not there. Pam makes me co-host.

February 19 dream:  For some reason John and a friend of his had to spend the night at my place. We slept in the same small bed. Unfortunately his friend slept between us. Neither had pants on. I stuck my hand out so John had to rest his ass on it. His ass felt wonderful. Later I ran into Billye Talmadge who looked great. She was wearing a blue and white knit suit and was on her way to a fundraiser. She said I looked giddy. I hugged her. Then Sadah Loomis came up behind her.

February 18, 2021: Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola to Starbucks. Talk with Kaleb. The meet Sergio, beautiful black-haired new guy. He says, “I’ll see you around.” #43 home.

February 18 dream:  Walking with my new female boss to work. Tell her I have a noon medical appointment. Rushing to get up to doctor’s appointment. Stairs too crowded. It’s 12:07 p.m. Eating sugar-coated Danish and feeling guilty about it.

February 17, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola and down Teresita to Safeway. Realized me saying I wanted to get away from you-know-who in yesterday’s diary may have been a big deal. I never stood up to my father. But maybe I did stand up to my father substitute. To let him know that it is not automatic that I will still love him or even want him. Deli guy at Safeway really happy to see me. Catherine at checkout. I liked her, too.

February 17 dream:  Juan charging $5 per avocado. I put his in the bowl. Another person working against me. (h.o.)

February 17 dream:  Went with four other guys from the East Bay. One who was on the swim team and had written a book. Teacher there as well. He takes off. Susan Sarandon and Carol Carter say, “It’s been too long.’

February 17 dream:  Helping move guy out from the 7th floor of old building to new place. Almost totally moved out. Old building has lots of smoke and a big kitchen in the middle.

February 16, 2021:  Anonymous call at 2ish. I say, “Come on.” Shits just before leaving at 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Kind of get off on guy I stand in line behind. Walk to G.P. Then G.C.P. Realize “Russian River” sign from February 11 probably meant that I was looking in Half Moon Bay for the same thing I was looking for in the Russian River, namely, to get away from you-know-who. Monica at Starbucks. I say, “Are you from Santa Monica, Monica?” She opened up quite a bit.

February 16 dream:  I’m really terrible on a 4-question quiz. Tom C there disguised as an old Jewish woman named Vera.

February 15, 2021:  Clint L. calls in early p.m. In ’til 4ish. Walk up Portola to M.S. Then Starbucks. Talk with Kaleb. Get “Perfect.” Then Anthony. I accidentally spill some of my latte. He says, “You’re okay.” Since my hands are full, I wave at him with my index finger. #43 home. Guy on Lee as I approached my back door. (*Relates to “Perfect” from earlier?) Translate “Democracy is fragile” in p.m.

February 15 dream:  We are not approved by PG&E. We visit wolf who was approved. He said a more wild wolf may visit us.

February 15 dream:  Some people and animals follow us out of the forest. They should be safe, we are told.

February 15 dream:  At busy law office, Barry Bram there. They want me to clear off a table so they can work. Barry sits next to me. Something about him and his secretary.

February 14, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola. Starbucks. #43 home. Guy on bus with new shoes. As I left, I said, “I like your shoes.” He said, “Thank you, man.” Listen to Michael Parenti in p.m.

February 14 dream:  Getting ready for family reunion. (h.o.)

February 14 dream:  Was going to register to go back to NROTC and finish college and do four years in the Navy as I had been scheduled to do. But as I walked to register, judge in adjoining office shakes his head “No.” So I get on train or tried to. End up riding solo on big empty cart which I was trying to figure out how to stop.

February 13, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. In ’til 3:30ish. Feeling “shitty” just before I leave home. Two or three shits. Walk to Excelsior library. Guy there smiled at me with his eyes even though he was masked. I told him so. He knew. Walk to G.P. Realize I don’t have change to buy Chron. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to M.S. Fiona there. I joke with her. She doesn’t respond. Starbucks. #43 home. Loud, aggressive, mostly black, young skateboarders in back of bus. I sit near them. Felt bad afterwards. But still loved them. Later realized how to confront the Berniecrats pronoun problem. I think my pronouns will be: he/she, him/her and his/hers. Catch up on newspapers. Memory: Harriet being upset with me when she found out through her friend at work that I had won the music award. She was upset ’cause I didn’t tell her and embarrassed that she didn’t know when her friend told her.

February 13 dream:  Get lost on road back from L.A. Have to get help nailing my steering apparatus on.

February 13 dream:  Finishing a job down at the beach. Go to young woman who I was working with. She walks with me back to the beach. The tide has come in so I can’t finish my work. She says I have to be able to finish by tomorrow a.m. There are several fins protruding from the water. I say (or she does), “Sharks.” Then she jumps on the back of one. Looks like it was too big to be a shark. And it seemed frightened and took off in a hurry. Any I didn’t see girl though.

February 13 dream:  San Luis Obispo has the best athletic team.

February 12, 2021:  Listening to “Trauma” series online. Woman said that if you dissociate because of trauma you will have no memory of it ’cause you literally weren’t there. That explains why I have no specific memory of my sexual abuse by my father. Then the VA called and wanted to know what they could do to help me alleviate stress. I told Sharon, the lady from the VA, that I’d like to get some help to dis-dissociate this memory. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola to Starbucks. Anthony there. He says, “How are you?” I say, “Fine. I had a major psychological breakthrough today.” He seemed interested. I said, “I’ll tell you about it later sometime.” He smiled. Made my day for a 2nd time. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. not there.

February 12 dream:  Guy asks us to wait while he goes into the other room. Life-size man or paper-mache man with blue suit and golden hair floats into the ornate room next to us. I/we follow him in. (h.o.)

February 12 dream:  We shouldn’t allow women to ware vagina clinging clothes when we get to the Middle East.

February 12 dream:  Just got back from trip to N.Y. Talking with two people in Hollywood about photographer. I say, “I like the idea of being pursued.” Then I say, “Oh, that came out more sexual than I intended.”

February 12 dream:  Working for Scott Wiener in a law office. Don’t have anything to do yet. Woman lawyer says, “Do you want a card?” I say, “Okay.” She hands me her purse. Then says, “I’m having a baby.”

February 12 dream:  Guy stuck up against wall after fall. I think he’s dead, but I pull him down and he’s alive. Later I rescue Nancy O. Jeff B. there.

February 12 dream:  Cookie monster who preys on kids.

February 12 dream:  The Senate gets rid of the filibuster.

February 11, 2021:  Go to rental car place downtown at 10 a.m. See John from “Under One Roof” on bus on the way. Cute guy at rental agency. He gives me two thumbs up when we finish our business. Then Alex at auto garage. Drive down to Half Moon Bay. Completely miss it the first time. Drive 14 miles south before I turn around. Go to gas station to get directions to Main Street. Cute, flustered young guy there whenever I asked him anything. Look at senior complex. Nice lobby. Place way too “senior” for me. Decide against it. Get “Perfect” on drive home. Also see “Russian River.” Think at first this is the Universe is saying to look there. Then realize that it is probably the Universe saying my search at Half Moon Bay is just like my prior searches at the Russian River. Drop off car. On way home, walk by J’s house on Geary and J’s bar and store on Castro. See J’s old boss on 19th Street. Walk up Market to Starbucks Portola. Guy on upper Market says “Hi” to me. See homeless guy I usually give $1 to. I don’t have change, so give him $5 (after banging my hand with my umbrella). My mask falls apart. I tie it back. #43 home. Obnoxious girl on bus. Insight: Remember being mad at my mother shortly before we moved back into our Menlo Park home from Japan. I was thinking (but didn’t say), “You’re not my mother” even though she obviously was. What I was thinking is that, “God is my parent. You’re not!”

February 11 dream:  Guy who’s supposed to save the world being pretty much a jerk.

February 11 dream:  Mel Gibson shirtless, tearing down toy castle.

February 11 dream:  Trying to set up an outdoor sound system. Couldn’t figure out how to do it, though it had been done before.

February 10, 2021:  Marlin from Half Moon Bay calls. Says I’m pretty much a shoo-in for one bedroom place. Lots of shits before I take off about 4ish. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to CVS. See Pat briefly. Then Starbucks Portola. Anthony says, “Do you mind if I pass this [drink] on?” I say, “No. Go ahead.”

February 10 dream:  My girl friend doesn’t want me to be violent with my new martial arts ability. I say, “It is not violent. I’ve even seen you use it.”

February 9, 2021:  Call from “Private Number” in a.m. (*Relates to crows and hawk from hier, I think.) Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. See young man on bike behind parklet. Wait for him to reappear. He never does. Tulpa? Walk thru G.C.P. Black guy at top. M.S. Eye contact with Asian cashier. Starbucks. #43 home. Bus runs over something on Gennessee and stops. Fire engine stops by. Hear “No guts, no glory” in p.m. Lots of strange phone calls throughout the day.

February 9 dream:  Trying to run away from a comedian and his harasser. I can barely move. Guy in patio tells his father mockingly but honestly that he’s [the guy’s] the sheriff. So is his young brother.

February 9 dream:  WWII Paris: The Nazis are still winning. We know they’re going to lose but we don’t know how or when.

February 9 dream:  “47th man.”

February 8, 2021:  VA phone appointment in a.m. Then two anonymous calls. (*Relates to shits and distant hawk from hier, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and Up Portola. Crows chasing away one or two hawks. CVS. Starbucks. #43 home. In p.m. angry at my VA primary care provider for overstepping his bounds. (*Relates to February 7 dream about 1962 civil rights march?)

February 8 dream:  Tom C. and I and funny guy and serious girl all in bed together. Girl wants to talk. Tom and I and funny guy want to play game.

February 8 dream:  Paint thinner fight song.

February 8 dream:  Try to reach ceiling of very high-ceilinged room so I can brush it with a broom.

February 8 dream:  Many of us coming into the country. Women have a “cheerleader” exemption. Men don’t have a comparable exemption. We are discussing this in a coffee shop near Church Street. It’s not a problem for me ’cause I already have an apartment (though empty) in the Castro.

February 8 dream:  Guy about to tell us something at coffee shop counter.

February 7, 2021:  Insight: Paid attention to my inner child feeling shame about being a sex object, instead of suppressing the feelings as I usually do. (*Relates to 4th dream of February 6 about relabeling and refiling, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola. Fell “shittier” and “shittier.” Hope I make it to M.S. restroom. I make it. Guy is sitting on the can. I wait for him to finish. He smiles at me. Then Starbucks. Talk with Kaleb about his curly hair. Distant hawk. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Meet Nur, really nice and beautiful and young cashier there, who goes to Whittier College. Also, hot young mixed race guy with T-shirt and low-riding pants. As I’m leaving Nur, I run into second guy on my way out. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Later drop by W.F. A sullen Isaiah there.

February 7 nap dream:  Smoke from the kitchen.

February 7 dream:  In hotel conference room with lots of gay men, mostly older. Guy I start to sit next to asks me if I fancy someone else. Then we hear noise from down below. People are gathering for the first civil rights march. It’s 1962.

February 7 dream:  After voting on what kind of music building we wanted, I was kind of stopped in my tracks. Then I saw cute little blue-eye baby wrapped in towels. I caressed it, but not too much as I had no arms or legs and did not yet seem fully formed.

February 6, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. On Portola, hear noise. Look back. See hawk land in tree. Margaret at M.S. Starbucks. #43 home. Return Sarah’s call. Give Jonathan my love.

February 6 dream:  Me and others eating cooked animal ball sacs.

February 6 dream:  Start work at new place. Barry Bram there. I find out hie’s an editor at the SF Chronicle and a few other things. Then start working for other guy. I work from7 a.m. to 1 p.m. When I ask for lunch from 1-2, he gets upset.

February 6 dream:  Jeannie Maher wants to help me with my book. Mentions the word “epitome.”

February 6 dream:  Refiling and relabeling all the files at work.

February 6 dream:  Cute guy driving me up S.F. hill. Lots of new construction going on.

February 6 dream:  Hanz offers me a seat so we can learn something about Substack.

February 5, 2021:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Feel shits coming on. Walk home. Shits. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Hanz there.

February 5 dream:  At my boyfriend’s house. He’s showing a movie he made on his laptop. Some marijuana had gone missing. I stopped him at various points to ask why he included this or that element to his movie. We were sitting around the kitchen table with his family. I decided to take a rest and woke up.

February 5 dream:  My friend wanted me to return to my family home at 14080 (my last childhood address). I said, “I can’t. It’s not mine.” He followed me to parking lot. Lots of fellow kids. Truck goes by. “When can we make the patch match?”

February 5 dream:  Older man sits down at table with younger man. Older man’s hair is shorter. He’s wearing intentionally torn sweat pants. Says he’s interest in “her story.”

February 5 dream:  Three kids drop by. They find food I’ve prepared in the kitchen. I say to my partner, “How much should we charge them?” He says, “Let them have it for free.” He’s right I feel bad for being so ungenerous. On bus ride to L.A. Guy shouting at woman outside my window. Bus drives down narrow beautiful alley. Several drunk Latino guys falling down I joke, “Here we are at 18th & Castro.”

February 5 dream:  Guys playing baseball on the beach. I walk by. Get sucked out to sea and thrown back. Walk thru big temporary housing. Barry Bram there. Woman says to him, “Are you a man of mystery?”

February 4, 2021:  Got up late. Called VA re: rash. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Two cops pushing car up Ocean Avenue. Beautiful strawberry blond guy in white T-shirt at US Bank on Mission Street. Talk with Lee at G.P. Then G.C.P. Then Starbucks Portola. Talk with Kaleb. #43 home. Insight: Rash began after Trump left office on January 20.

February 4 dream:  People from Collier’s taking submissions for column in garage-type area.

February 4 dream:  Me and two other guys trying to get something to eat before we go. I get two forks. My teammate’s friend is sick with AIDS-like symptom.

February 4 dream:  Building in S.F. falls down due to causes stemming from World War II. We have to run to get out of the way. I’m sitting with Bill Floyd and his sister. Bill runs his lips over mine several times. Then his sister asks if I want a coffee. I say, “Sure. I’ll come with you.” She says, “That means neither of us leaves the building.” Earlier: Bill looking over movie listings at the mall.

February 4 dream:  Talking about election of Joe Biden. Two tall dark penguins standing behind us. As soon as we started talking to them, they turned into people.

February 3, 2021:  In bad mood all day ’cause of some of the dreams from last night (*Later I realized it related to the Berniecrats meeting this evening and once I had made this connection, my mood brightened and a proposal I made was approved by acclamation.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Anthony there. We talk briefly. I asked him about his hair. He said he woke up with wild hair. I said, “That sounds like a good thing.” #43 home. Get off a bit early to intercept cute runner with high-cut runner shorts. Watch Trial of Adolph Eichmann. Berniecrats at 6:30 p.m.

February 3 dream:  Walking along Market Street at night in the fog. See three friends on stools jutting out from billboard. I get out camera to take photo. Homeless guy on the street thinks I want to take photo of him. Then he comes after me. I am laying on the sidewalk pushing myself backwards with my feet.

February 3 dream:  Putting things in alphabetical order. Then they’re not. Co-worker is not helpful.

February 2, 2021:  Call asking for John in a.m. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. G.P. Then C.G.P. Then muted trumpeter as I approach Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Insight: Maybe my feeling of ecstatic joy with John was not so much due to John but due to the potential freedom from my father. Insight: Better question to my father: Not “Did you do this to me?” but “Did I allow you to do this to me?”

February 2 dream:  Visit Arnold Schwarzenegger’s house. Photos on the wall of Tom O’s performance as an escape artist. I’m on couch sleeping. Suddenly wife says, “Arnold’s home” and she shuts my door.

February 2 dream:  Get in fight with store clerk trying to get some change fast ’cause I have something cooking at home.

February 2 dream:  Getting ready to be minister at big wedding in Fresno or someplace like that. Wear my black sports coat with threads hanging down. Pull on some threads. Keep getting side-tracked by host and not-very-nice woman guest. Host asks me if I want to do something with her (the not-very-nice woman). I say, “Nope.”

February 2 dream:  Stay home from work. Get call for 4 day temp job at night. Didn’t call in to work to let them know I wouldn’t be there. Am rooming with Trish M. from DOJ.

February 1, 2021:  3:15 p.m. anonymous call. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk up Portola. Hawk midway. Anthony at Starbucks. He has green hair today. He started classes last week. He’s taking four classes: Critical Thinking, The ’60s, Visual Anthropology and something about the ocean. He said he’d see me Wednesday. (Our 2nd date!!!). Insight: The rash on my side is my (internal) father upset that he’s losing me to somebody else. 2nd Insight: Ecstasy and terror from connection with John in January ’87: Ecstasy was prospect of being with John. Terror was reaction of my (internal) father.

February 1 dream:  Packing up to leave soon. Will head north.

February 1 dream:  About to give a presentation on board ship. Fellow sailor says they have to wash the area down first. Two cute little guys who are hot for me. One jealous of the other.

January 31, 2021:  See “Perfect” online. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola wearing new (tighter) Adidas pants. CVS. My vegetable guy at M.S. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. I’m the only one on bus for a while. See beautiful man on street. Get off bus a few stops later and try to find him. We pass each other. I follow him down Plymouth. Finally catch up with him. He looks lost. I say, “Do you need directions?” He says, “No.” I say, “OK.” (*Relates to “Perfect” from earlier in the day?)

January 31 dream:  Somebody tapped me on the shoulder while I was sleeping. I had to wake myself up.

January 31 dream:  Handing out water-skiing tickets to everybody at event. Didn’t see J. there even though he usually is.

January 31 dream:  Amherst(?) plus $31/mo. equals full fire coverage.

January 31 dream:  Sign up for gameshow. Spend most of the day waiting. ‘Til 8 p.m. Finally they come out. And I wake up.

January 31 dream:  “Borrow” government car to drive down the street a few blocks.

January 31 dream:  Party with Elliot D. and other guy I like. Everyone in yellow T-shirts. There’s going to be a party later.

January 30, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola Drive. Then over to Teresita to Safeway. Cute teenager raking a gutter on Teresita. I say, “There’s plenty to rake.” He laughs. Safeway. No Isaac. No Israel. No Alan. No bag boy. #43 home. Insight: Looking up photos of beautiful near naked male model on Google Images. Notice a few of him making funny faces. I didn’t like that. You don’t get to be both sexy and likable!

January 30 dream:  Carol Burnett is the biggest star on TV. Had to be taken down a peg or two.

January 30 dream:  Getting ready to do short comedy bit with a few other comedians after a Republican meeting featuring George Bush. My opening line, “I’m the anti-Ira,” referring to Ira who spoke before.

January 30 dream:  Bought metaphysical book. Inside was a note to me from Calvin H. about one of his classes. Talking with weird airy-fairy guy at table.

January 30 dream:  Realized the comedy dream I just had was about me and others having sex with Hugh John.

January 29, 2021:  In ’til 1:30 p.m. Take #29 and #49. Head back. Cute skateboarder with wry smile at Ocean and Cayuga. Take J train to Duboce. Go to Love & Haight Computers. Get upgrade to MacBook Pro. Walk back via Castro. Walk up Market to Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Late for Prosperos Round Table. Tom C. not there.

January 29 dream:  Scary movie. Woman with knife threatens us. Throws knife into the wall. Leaves house without key. Then when the door closes, she opens it. Only it is some other tenant. Putting on play with guy I like playing Buffalo Bob. Girl is talking to him. I accidentally knock over bottle of vitamins. He laughs.

January 29 dream:  Getting off work, kind of fly around theme park area looking for place to eat. Sit under tree. Then two big serpents come edging towards me. Then young woman in white business suit holding onto a banana. She said that she “holded” two positions. I said “Held.” She said, “Holded.”

January 29 dream:  Big fat scary guy comes on train. Pushes people around. I’m sitting on the floor. I don’t get up. I kind of figure it’s a dream, so I don’t get out of his way. He walks by.

January 28, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Walgreens. Then to Excelsior library. “Soup Nazi” at Excelsior library. Then to G.P. Then to G.C.P. Two coyotes in G.C.P. Guys says to me, “They’re not interested in us. They’re interested in gophers. (*Relates to J. on January 29?) Starbucks. #43 home. Memory: Walking into dressing room at Prosperos center in Santa Monica and a shirtless Thane giving me a wry smile.

January 28 dream:  Laura H. watches me pee.

January 28 dream:  Elegant Eugene, Oregon, resto. Guy with “Oregon State” T-shirt.

January 27, 2021:  Two anonymous calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Shits just before leaving. Cold day. Walk down Ocean to Starbucks Target. Get matcha latte. Really sweet and pretty girl named Sadie takes my order. She says, “How’s your day going?” I say, “Pretty good, now.” Also guy from Oregon State. I say, “I went there.” He says, “Go Beavs!” Walk home. Take out a lot of recycling and garbage. Watch San Andreas in p.m.

January 27 dream:  Rush to get to job interview at 2:30 in Room 564. Guy says, “Did you drop out of Harvard or wherever it was you went?” I said, “I finished college.” The job was for some sort of supervisor position. I had to be somewhere else at 3 p.m.

January 27 dream:  Lining everything up to catch the #22 bus. Remove uprooted tree from platform.

January 27 dream:  After big festival, arrange cookies in tray. Saw Carol Carter, Billye T. and many others.

January 26, 2021:  9 am call with Justice Democrats. I signed NDA to volunteer for them. In ’til 3ish. Rainy and cold day. Walk down Ocean. Then turn back. Realize back pain from hier may relate to hier’s “mask off” moment and me being internally vulnerable to my father’s anger. Get matcha latte at Starbucks Target. Go home. Try on new Adidas paints. They are way too small. Order new pants. Walk to UPS to return old pants. Cute guy at UPS tried to deflect my gaze. Walk to Walgreens to return old pants. Get comments twice from bystanders who complimented me on my wearing shorts and flip-flops in the rain.

January 26 dream:  Wooden table in back needs re-doing.

January 26 dream:  Dream about … votes in Coolidge’s day.

January 26 dream:  Thane giving a talk. I’m the only one in the room and I’m sitting hi his chair. Think I should get up. Then let it go.

January 26 dream:  At resto, bill is $185 for all of us. Someone tells me the bill has been taken care of. Woman says, “Are you mad at me?” I say, “I’m just worried about the party tonight.” I wanted to wrap individual presents for all the guests.

January 25, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Windy day. Walk down Ocean and up Portola. As I think, “I should ask Anthony out,” guy walking by me smiles and nods. So I go to Starbucks. Anthony there. At end of our conversation, I say, “We should get together sometime.” He says, “Yeah. Of course, school is starting so there may not be a lot of time.” On my way out door gust of wind reached into my paper bag and grabbed my mask. Don’t realize ’til I get to bus stop, so I have to walk home. Bend over at one point to pick up my pen. Felt big pain the my back.

January 25 dream:  Have big pile of DVDs to go thru. Laura H. thinks I do the occasional drugs. I point at hallway. “If ever there was something which would make me do drugs again, it would be this hallway.”

January 25 dream:  At weekend retreat, being led by tough drill sergeant type guy. At end of day we are partnered up with women to simulate “dance and attack.”

January 25 dream:  Passing out post cards for big gay event. I’m at Market & Van Ness.

January 25 dream:  In fancy new bus terminal, talking about…

January 24, 2021:  Leg scab comes off. In ’til 3ish. Rainy day. Walk up Portola to CVS. Then M.S. Talked with my vegetable guy. Then Starbucks. Anthony there. He showed me his drawings on his phone. Said he’d probably see me tomorrow. Asked if I’d be here. I said yes. Our first date!!! #43 home. Randy from Portland at W.F. Key & Peele marathon in p.m. Insight: John H. is the emotional equivalent of my father wrapped up in a young and attractive package. I think that’s why I unconsciously chose him to be my emotional mirror.

January 24 dream:  Trying to arrest 74 million people.

January 23, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. We discussed vaccines mostly. Online work. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee there. Try to joke with him but I don’t think he understood me. Walk to Safeway. Jun closed. Bag boy plus Isaac at checkout. He and Israel have known each other for 10 years. Both went to same elementary school. Isaac went to Raoul Wallenberg H.S. He was wearing a mask which said something like “If all else fails, be kind.” He said he got it from his mother.

January 23 dream:  Going out to get something to eat after a hard day’s work.

January 23 dream:  Offer to re-carpet lady’s living room. I like her. She lives in San Fernando Valley. Green hills. Tall, good-looking guy with metallic teeth comes in. Puppy poops on floor. I get a postcard addressed to me at London, England.

January 23 dream:  Driving my Mercedes in N.Y. The brakes don’t work too well and I can’t see where I’m going. I figure I’m going to die. Then I’m on subway and strange woman calms me down.

January 22, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean and up Portola to CVS. Talk with Pat. Then Starbucks. Talk with Anthony. (*Relates to hawk from hier. Saw hawk twice. First time related to Pat. Second time related to Anthony.) I asked Anthony when I would see his paintings. He said he’d put them on his phone for next time we met. #43 home. Beautiful Asian goy whose black hair covered his face on #43. Tall, well-built black guy who said he liked my “Frisco” T-shirt. Almost forgot about Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Came in late, about 6. Tom C. there. Also Hanz. Al H. left shortly I arrived.

January 22 dream:  Setting up for 8:30 p.m. show at exhibition tables. Derek Lamar there. I’m working myself to the bone. Bruises on my arm.

January 22 dream:  Thane stops by center. He will be giving talk in a few days. I point out poem posted on bulletin board. He just had a heart attack. Earlier he talked to me alone with one other student.

January 22 dream:  Working on Separation 8 document. Katherine T. may have taken document home with her.

January 21, 2021:  No anonymous calls today. Rebecca Ziskind calls me from New Orleans informing me that Bruce King died on October 20. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. then G.C.P. Hawk on Amber Drive. Buy Chron at M.S. Starbucks. #43 home.

January 21 dream:  Group had to decrease its size by a few people so guy with knife started stabbing people.

January 21 dream:  At awards ceremony win 76 inch long candy cane. Then go to Lafayette Park or try to. I may be in some sort of cult.

January 21 dream:  Was at very nice party. People were talking about Clair Gold as a star ’cause she was a grandmother and she went to Europe eery year and sold her wares. I was hanging out with Chuck Schaefer at  end and I was going to go home but he convinced me I didn’t have to.

January 20, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. Shits just before I leave. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Ocean. Long-haired guy on Ocean. Up Portola to M.S. Tried to get in red-haired Margaret’s line but she evaded me. Starbucks. Asian guy on Portola. #43 home.

January 20 dream:  Traveler would appear with right wrist covered. Then would disappear. This followed several times with different travelers.

January 20 dream:  Go to cafe to pass out political literature. Run into Leigh who is doing the same. I say to her, “I didn’t know you were aa corporate Democrat.” She says, “Yes, I am.”

January 19, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Beautiful young man in blue and white Spandex shorts and multi-colored mask stops at tree to stretch his legs (and show off a bit). On to library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Two female dogs hold onto same stick trying to figure out who is the alpha. See same Asian guy on Amber Drive from November 5. Starbucks. #43 home.

January 19 dream:  Trying to go over my presentation in the body of a black drag queen ’cause I’m too lazy to switch back to my own body.

January 19 dream: Instructor eats shit just to show us it can be done?

January 19 dream:  Get very emotional over 2nd anniversary of MLK’s death while visiting poor family.

January 19 dream:  Hear gunshot!

January 18, 2021:  Anonymous call about 10:30 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Beautiful man with stud earring in car at 7-11 parking lot. See “Hot.” Walk up Portola to Starbucks. Anthony there. Significant eye contact. (*Relates to three hawks from hier?) #43 home.

January 18 dream:  Work on magazine I started. Couldn’t remember the name of it. (h.o.)

January 18 dream:  Order pizza but not the kind I really want. See Norma Keller for 2nd night in a row in same seat in theater. I tell her that. Then take pee. Then run into some young boys who invite me to play ball with them sometime. I ask where they live. Oldest one says it’s some no account town.

January 18, 2021:  Anonymous call about 10:30 a.m. (*Relates to three hawks from hier?)

January 17, 2021:  Work online. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Ocean and Portola to Starbucks. Realized hawk and two crows from January 14 relate to anonymous call on January 15. Staff at Starbucks see me coming and give me my matcha latte right away. Walk down Teresita. Three hawks? Bag boy at Safeway tells me Isaac just left. And that Isaiah (read Israel) now works in the deli. View Men for Sale (about Montreal sex workers) in p.m.

January 17 dream:  Talk with beautiful man about Goth book he’s reading. Then talk with beautiful woman about her former job and female boss.

January 17 dream:  Nancy O’s dog and cat getting along. Woman sleeping in laundry room.

January 17 dream:  Scab finally comes off.

January 16, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. Only six of us. Heather spoke of new short film called “Another Hay Ride” about Louise Hay’s weekly meetings for people with AIDS in the ’80s. Brought back memories of the Metaphysical Alliance. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then talk briefly with Lee at G.P. Then G.C.P. Then my Asian afro friend at M.S. ignores me. Then so does Pat at CVS, who looks more muscular than ever. #43 home. Beautiful Russell Brand lookalike in back seat. I compliment him on his outfit. He says, “Thanks.”

January 16 dream:  Working at video production center.

January 15, 2021:  Go to VA for 11 a.m. checkup at Urology Dept. Strange nurse. Nice Dr. Shee feels my balls. Says they’re looking good. Walk to 9th & Judah. Go to W.F. Notice beautiful eyelashes of black security guard on entering. Then he greets me. Talk with Joe from December 18. He has tattoos all over his arm, but not his torso yet. Greet security guard again on way out. Anonymous call at 1ish. When there is no response, I say, “Aw, come on!” Nap. Prosperos Round Table in p.m. Have run-in with Janet C. and Clint L. Tom C. there. For first time I didn’t much like him. Shits in p.m. Translate new noisy neighbor below me. Realize that my sillygism around crime and punishment is: If I’m being punished (or in pain), then I must have committed a crime. Conclusion: I live in a pain-free, crime-free Universe.

January 15 dream:  On bus ride. People in back, including baby, were not going to be seated at resto and they needed to be. So I awoke from my seat to be sure it was handled.

January 15 dream:  Student talking about Pearl S. Buck books.

January 15 dream:  Calvin and I and others being held up by a crane on a truck being driven around a steep corner overlooking a lake by a clumsy driver.

January 15 dream:  Woman lends me pillow. I try to give it back. She says to keep it. I stand in line to see if I can give it so somebody else. I smile at woman at counter. She says, “You can have anything ’cause you’re cute.” I look around ’cause didn’t know if she was talking to me.

January 14, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola to M.S. Hawk and two crows. Starbucks. #43 home. See beautiful view of ocean. Get off bus and go back. View has changed. Girl skateboarder on pedestrian bridge. She’s admiring the view. I think, “No, this isn’t the right view. It was different a few minutes ago.” #43 home again. Little kids on jungle gym say, “Look at me! Look at me!” I take photo of them.

January 13, 2021:  Hear “Expect the Unexpected.” In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Buy pen which doesn’t work Exchange for one that does. G.C.P. Adam and Monica at Starbucks. Cute little girl smiles at me on Sydney. #43 home. Follow guy to McD’s. He goes on. I go in briefly.

January 13 dream:  Crab cakes being served. I drop mine on the floor.

January 13 dream:  Guy takes his plan to YouTube.

January 12, 2021:  Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then took Diamond Heights Blvd. to Market. M.S. Starbucks #43 home. Nasty, old lady on #43.

January 12 dream:  Stacy, a young black co-worker, lives for only a few months.

January 12 dream:  Reading an American history book about John Ruskin, John James and others. Girls remind me to bring olives to class for an experiment

January 11, 2021:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk Ocean to Portola to Starbucks. Adam there. #43 home. Watch Misfits, Season One, in p.m.

January 11 dream:  My British boss lady runs off several letters for me to take care of before she leaves. One is about an executive who avoids S.F.

January 11 dream:  Go to Vegas in just my shorts. Somebody had taken my jacket. Pass by gay camp. Guy says, “I think you’ll like it.” Try to register for room in movie theater. Guy is very helpful but sick with cough, etc.

January 11 dream:  Getting ready to fly to Japan or China from S.F. Accidentally pee on my pants at urinal.

January 11 dream:  Drive to Waipoo. In van up narrow desert region of S.F. high mountains filled with old sculptures, heads of classic Greek men. Then 2nd car ride. I get my jacket caught in car door.

January 10, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Run into (2nd) cute Asian guy from December 20. Follow him to Lakeside as I did on December 20. Then up W.P. and Ulloa to M.S. Follow cute guy into M.S. but lose him. Talk briefly with Evan. Starbucks. #43 home.

January 10 dream:  Making dessert for the family. The kitchen has been re-arranged and needs to be set back.

January 10 dream:  Thane at party sitting on chair alone. He says, “I’m looking for Gloria Runyon.” I say, “I can find her it you want.” He says, “No.” I pick up a pen and give it to him. Later Tom C. being his usual playful self.

January 10 dream:  There will be a date of completion.

January 9, 2021:  Translation group in a.m. Ugur was being a bit of a smart-ass. Talk with Ned Henry later. His photo of Tom C. as a young man, which he posted on the BB, undid me for most of the day. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola and down Teresita to Safeway. Isaac and Alan there. #43 home.

January 9 dream:  Looking for place. Told not to ask boss’s son. Did anyway. Later out partying. Person I was hoping would show up did not show up.

January 9 dream:  Take bus thru really homeless part of city. Someone unlocks my apartment from outside. I bolt it shut.

January 9 dream:  Am late to class. Climb thru moat and up rocky path to get in window. Then realize I forgot my book. “Fuck!” Climb back. Young kid climbing into class as I leave.

January 9 dream:  Have beautiful visit to Portland, Oregon. Then get lost. People trying to help me. Woman comes into store with flyer about show about S.F.

January 8, 2021:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Then M.S. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table. Tom C. there. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Then Berniecrats. Shahid spoke briefly.

January 8 dream:  Taking final exam. All classes in one room. I thought it was a pretty easy test. He just asked about all the things we had discussed. Guy next to me thought it was very hard.

January 8 dream:  Jeremy Ruskin.

January 7, 2021:  Jerk off in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then to G.P. Sudoku on bench. Take shit at G.C.P. restroom. On to Starbucks Portola. #43 home.

January 7 dream:  Taking written test.

January 7 dream:  Older guy takes me out to dinner without his younger friend. We almost drive into huge clear beautiful pool. He turns left into about 6 inches of bay water. We go to resto where we are going to share a hot dog.

January 7 dream:  Go to big hole/construction site in L.A. Go down long steps to reach it. Then automatic stairs back up. I’m late for a dinner. Norma Keller let’s me have what remains and smiles at me.

January 7 dream:  Waiting with others to sign off on something.

January 6, 2021:  Order new sheets from Macy’s. In ’til 3ish. MAGA-heads invade Congress. Walk up Portola to Starbucks. #43 home. Berniecrats in p.m is replaced by Harvey Milk-sponsored meeting of groups on the left and unions to discuss today’s invasion of the Capitol. Really turned me off to the Milk Club. Get anonymous call right after the meeting.

January 6 dream:  Dog and man on hunt. Dog saves man. (h.o.)

January 6 dream:  Bad boy Bradley Manning returns after long time away. I drop what I’m dong. So does another. (h.o.)

January 6 dream:  Steve Oneven.

January 5, 2021:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Georgia elections. Yay!!!

January 5 dream:  Hillary Clinton, a broad-shouldered guy named Leslie, and other person are competing. Hillary takes her opponent’s yellow wax crayon and applies it to an energy source to gauge its output.

January 5 dream:  A friend of mine had an old Shakespearian book and asked me, “Where is that passage?” We were at some fair or festival.

January 5 dream:  I introduce Democrat. Tom Selleck introduces Trump. My guy hasn’t shown up yet. I drive thru parking lot looking for him. Finally end up in garage elevator with me on one side of barrier and the car on the other.

January 5 dream:  Clearing out cage on pole. Throw a lot of stuff out. Tom C. there.

January 4, 2021:  Get call in a.m. saying studio apt. is available for me at 55 Laguna. After waiting for woman to email me the application forms, I decide to go down there in person. Then walk back thru the Castro and up Market to M.S. and Starbucks Portola. Cute black child dancing in front of his parents on Castro. Hawk on upper Market? Then slip and almost fall. Red-haired Margaret at M.S. Anthony at Starbucks would not even look at me. #43 home. Spend an hour or two filling out forms for Mercy Housing. Finally get email with photos of apartment and I’m really not impressed. Think I’ll have to pass on it. (*Relates to 2nd dream of January 3?)

January 4 dream:  Staying in N.Y. for a few weeks (but keeping my California apartment) with 3 or 4 others. I’m sleeping on the carpeted floor. Someone is looking for Ben.

January 4 dream:  Trying to get into 8th floor of building where I used to live to pass out pamphlets. Also to see book publisher. Later woman who likes me drives by in her jeep with lots of rough-looking guys. I had piece of chalk in my mouth.

January 3, 2021:  Hugh John calls in a.m. Later anonymous call. In ’til 4:30ish. Walk up Portola to CVS and Starbucks. Kaleb there. #43 home. Anonymous call around 7 p.m.

January 3 dream:  On the way to David Letterman’s studio. They may be filming. On the way we see the two Crane brothers, Frasier and Niles.

January 3 dream:  Win Hawaiian vacation but don’t claim it for a while. When I get home it’s dark and my sister gives me the phone saying it’s the newspaper I need to speak with about the prize. (*I think this relates to call today asking if I’m still interested in living at 55 Laguna.)

January 3 dream:  Group of us sitting at U-shaped tables discussing maleness and femaleness. At one point someone says, “We’re seen your mom.” I say, “Actually, she’s my step-mother.”

January 3 dream:  I’m sitting next to my boyfriend. He needs a light. We’re with one or two other male couples.

January 2, 2021:  Translation workshop at 9 a.m. Sara Walker shares her Translation. Found credit card bill I thought had never been mailed to me. Online work. Nap. Haircut at 2 p.m. Great to see Jun again. I told him I was looking at houses. He told me he’d drive me to look at them if I wanted. Safeway. Clean bathtub. Living room rug.

January 2 dream:  At work. Supervisors come in and watch over us. Frightening ’cause I don’t have much to do except straighten things up.

January 2 dream:  Visit comedy club. Guy does bad routine. Two women get up on stage and make out. Then we’re in car in S.F. Then Portland. I’m talking with guy in back seat about the Paris section of Portland. His shirt pops open. Then driver “drip-dries” the car, i.e., let’s the car fall into its own parking space. And we go into some sort of mall.

January 1, 2021:  Bills and monthly BB in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola and M.S. Then Starbucks. Kaleb there but busy. #43 home. Watch documentary on narcissistic abuse. Realize it wasn’t just John H., but both my father and my step-mother were narcissists. (*Relates to wild turkey from hier?) Feels like this just dawned on me. They used the classic narcissistic ploys: Gas-lighting, like pretending that I was the one who didn’t want to be part of the family even though I was doing everything I could think of to be part of the family; Confusing me, lying to me, like my father saying to me at one point that I never really wanted him to remarry. Then later denying he had ever said it. Like him treating his own mother so rudely and when I called him on it, just denying it. Realized that this was probably the solution to my Rosa Parks dream, the dream where I have a Rosa Parks moment, followed by a football game in Dallas, followed by two simultaneous football games in Miami and Washington, D.C. My Rosa Parks experience was standing up to Doris M. at TRI Commercial back in 1995. The Dallas football game was the so-called family reunion in the ’80s when my father asked me, “Do you think this [the family] is just a big lie?” The simultaneous games in Miami and Washington, D.C., relate to my realization today that Harriet (Miami) and my father (Washington, D.C.) were gas-lighting and lying to me. That I was not the crazy one, the misfit, the loner. I was just being told that that was who I was. That my parents were narcissists and that it had nothing to do with me personally.

January 1 dream:  My big toe nail falls off.

January 1 dream:  Heather and I get in fight about workshop time and place.

December 31, 2020:  Facebook message with Jun in a.m. Makes me feel good. Posted “House of Flowers” with the lines “Won’t you come live with me? I’d come live with me if I were you, if I were you.” Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then Lee at G.P. See wild (but fearless) turkey grazing on Arbor Street. Then G.C.P. See Coyote Lady on exiting. Evan and my Asian afro friend at M.S. Kaleb and Monica at Starbucks. Kaleb came out here at 17 from small town in South Carolina three years ago or so. (*Realize hawks from December 29 may relate to Kaleb today instead of Anthony hier.)

December 31 dream:  Starting a job agency to find what people are really suited for and what they love.

December 31 dream:  Visit Aunt Joanne’s home. A lot of it doesn’t seem lived in. I think, “If I lived here, I’d make it a nicer. . . . . or for couch in the living room.” Also Leigh and two other youngsters.

December 31 dream:  Reading that Truth is always employed. At Prosperos center, decide to take my meal here. Friend offers to drive me.

December 31 dream:  Getting ready for big gay event. Lots of people in the crowd I know. End up at in bleacher next to young Russian guy who sort of comes on to me. Then, at 5 p.m, we drive off presumably to get a better view of the parade (or to be in the parade).

December 31 dream:  Driving off to political event. People are disguised as various political people. Melissa is there. Or is it Beth Kuper? People keep mistaking me for Gerald Ford.

December 30, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola to Starbucks. Anthony goes into the bathroom just as I arrive. (*Relates to two hawks from hier, I believe.) #43 home. #ForceTheVote online in p.m.

December 30 dream:  Trying to get Tom O. ready to go. (h.o.)

December 30 dream:  Jimmy Dore visiting me. Anne Bollman calls. Jimmy harasses her.

December 30 dream:  Friend and  I “watching the dogs” from high place. We go down to buy a pair of jeans for the next day or so of our journey. Nancy and Laurie in car wave at me to join them. Big Cadillac runs into convertible. Black man comes up and asks if one of the vultures is pink says something about the 11th vulture.

December 29, 2020:  Tough nite last nite. Got up and jerked off. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Guy with “Chicago” T-shirt. Then G.C.P. My “Loom” friend not there again. I’m thinking he may have been a tulpa. On to G.C.P. Two hawks circling at the edge of the park. Go to M.S. looking for my sweet “girlfriend.” She’s not there. Go to Starbucks. #43 home. Really sweet Muni driver. Follow guy into McD’s. Turns out he’s a she. I asked her if she had already ordered. She was incredibly beautiful and exotic with extra make-up on her eyes and eye lashes. Her look was kind of shocking. (*Relates, I think, to hawk on Portola from hier.) Insight: My step-mother hated me so much ’cause we were both using my father as meal ticket.

December 29 dream:  Tom O’s girlfriend arrives home while I’m sleeping there.

December 29 dream:  Pick my nose in preparation for something fun. (h.o.)

December 29 dream:  Getting ready for big party in somebody’s back yard. Lots of chairs set up. Something going on next door as well.

December 29 dream:  Big event in S.F. (like Pride). Indoors ghost of train comes barreling thru crowd. After, see Martin Crane (Frasier’s TV father) talking to somebody about ownership of a car dealership?

December 29 dream:  Mary L. lends me her health notebook, but writes her name on the cover. I shut my door so she won’t see me naked but I go out into the hallway with my butt exposed.

December 29 dream:  Black guys takes my black leather jacket. It’s too tight on him. I go after him.

December 28, 2020:  Anonymous call at about 2:45 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola. Hawk flies from Mt. Davidson to Edgehill Mt., circling near me. Anthony at Starbucks Portola. Had not seen him for a long time. Found out he’s an art student at SFSU. Tell him I look forward to him displaying his artwork at Starbucks. He said maybe after the pandemic they would do that. Also Mau. #43 home. Finish viewing Mr. Mercedes, Season 3.

December 28 dream:  Oprah in detention. Not shutting up.

December 28 dream:  Old book compiled in 1929 about the founding of a town called Hewit. Talking with some old folks about it

December 27, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk out Ocean to Portola. Accidentally step on “Jupiter Ascending” DVD at 7-11. Guy wearing “Chicago” T-shirt on Portola. No Starbucks or M.S. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. #43 home. Anonymous call at 5:46 p.m. (*Relates to hearing hawk hier in G.C.P.?)

December 27 dream:  A couple of books are still out from weekly FYL-group which is almost over. One guy returns his book to me. He goes in one room. I’m in the other.

December 27 dream:  On a Navy ship at sea. I feel safe ’cause it’s an American ship. John Wayne swimming along side of us. He’s a strong swimmer but his mind is gone.

December 27 dream:  I live in black house, upstairs. Someone made a derogatory comment about blacks. I go upstairs and support them.

December 27 dream:  Staying at strange, dirty house between races. Others there with me. I open up the fridge and it makes a loud noise which everyone is concerned about. Also, it’s empty and full of insects. Young man complains to me about something and says I should let Ron know. I tell him that Ron is not a real person.

December 26, 2020:  Translation group in a.m. At one point I am asking people to volunteer to do a Translation for next week and I get kind of pushy, not wanting anybody to get away with anything. I think my father self took over. I quickly reversed course, but it shocked me. (*Relates to 2nd dream of December 25?) Have orgasm for first time since my operation on December 10. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. No “Loom” friend. Hear hawk and then owl on way out of park. Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Watch holocaust documentary in p.m. Wash clothes.

December 26 dream:  Guy complained about being in Oregon Shakespeare festival and not being well-compensated. Later they talked of how wonderful East Berlin has become, like the East Village in NYC.

December 25, 2020:  Heather calls in a.m. Sarah calls later. In ’til 3ish. Rainy day. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb not there. #43 home. Turkey TV dinner in p.m.

December 25 dream:  A couple is made king and queen of France who aren’t even French. We set up table on the side with French flag on it and some begin singing La Marseillaise.

December 25 dream:  At nice mall, eat container of cottage which tastes ok. Then I see mold and old grapes inside. Try to see expiration date. The can is a can of clams. Talk with Harriet. I tell her the students will be let out soon. She says there’s some kind of disease going around. (*Relates to Translation group on December 26?)

December 25 dream:  Beautiful elegant woman sits next to me. Makes catty comments about other beautiful elegant woman who sat there before and now is sitting in the next seat up.

December 25 dream:  Naked Mario Lopez sits in bed in front of me. Then gets up and goes to another bed. Another naked guy stops by. I ask him if he’s seen the new boxing fad in Las Vegas where someone takes on several boxers, one after the other, all in brief trunks.

December 25 dream:  Fellow worker points out two or three places near work where I could move to. I take pee before returning to work.

December 24, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Tulpa following me on Ocean? Then on to G.P. Pass by Sudoku on bench. Walk to G.C.P. Run into “Loom” guy again. We talk about 20 minutes. His name is Tom Higgins. He’s from Chicago, out here to start new company called Argo Aerodynamics(?) Later see Janet the Coyote Lady. Walk on to M.S. Hope to run into sweet girl I bypassed hier. She wasn’t there. But had nice connection with two Asian workers and my Asian afro friend there. Gave $5 to my homeless friend. Kaleb at Starbucks #43 home. Smoke alarm goes off in p.m. as I’m trying to make pasta. Kind of throw up (not as much as last night) again.

December 24 dream:  At new job, trying to figure out what to do.

December 24 dream:  Thane giving class. I’m in front row. Perry D. or Billye T. sitting near me with lots of cash in suitcase. Then Thane is suddenly in another place. Then he is where Perry/Billye used to be.

December 23, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Try out new shoes. No problems so far. Walk up Portola to M.S. Have checkout choice between young guy I didn’t know and sweet girl I liked. Chose guy. Shouldn’t have. Kaleb at Starbucks. He talks a lot about what’s been going on with the virus and at Starbucks. Said he’d be working on December 24 and 25 since he has no family. #43 home. Throw up in p.m. while watching TV.

December 23 dream:  Guy with only a video head. I called him into the next room. He wanted to make sure I knew that only his head was attached.

December 23 dream:  I asked guy to show me his gun license.

December 23 dream:  Trying to get the train out of Eugene, Oregon. May have left my car in Corvallis.

December 23 dream:  Adding up monthly accounts. Handwrite them instead of type them so I have to do it over.

December 22, 2020:  Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. Run into nice young man in glasses sitting under a tree reading The Loom of Language. On to Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Get off three steps early to view the “Great Conjunction.” I think I saw it.

December 22 dream:  Get lost in the upper regions of S.F. Come across good-looking, shirtless guy who says, “All I want is money.” I throw down all my change. He chases me. Run into fancy modern construction site where some big top secret project is underway. I try to get back to the Castro. Giant bears (2 or 3 times the size of normal bears) wrestling each other and woman trainer.

December 21, 2020:  Shahid Buttar calls in a.m. Then anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola to Teresita to Safeway. Alan there. Pleased that I remembered his name. Sweet cowering dog outside. Later stopped by W.F. Stood in line to get checked out by Randy from December 17. As soon as it was my turn, he left and somebody else took his place.

December 21 dream:  Trying to recover from always looking at my wounds all the time(?)

December 21 dream:  The Prosperos Assembly banquet was taken over by guys who thought it was their home. Some of those guys in my family. Nancy Lee there. Bob Matusiak. Many, including me, just left.

December 21 dream:  John H. tells me to look up Joe Berry.

December 21 dream:  From beautiful wood balcony where Bill L. and I live, see and hear reflections of porpoises and birds playing. Not sure if they’re in the sky or a reflection of what’s in the water. Then hear and see tiger climb up to our balcony. I do Truth syllogism. Tiger goes up stairway. Then back. Several men trying to hold it back. I approach it. It gets a little smaller.

December 21 dream:  Muni train doesn’t stop at station. Goes on without tracks. Finally stops in nice clean wet suburban town. We walk back to train.

December 20, 2020:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Run into my Asian friend from December 14. (*Relates to hawk and two crows from hier, I think. Also shits from hier, I think.) Then follow second cute Asian guy down Ocean to Lakeview. Run across 3rd cute guy at food stand. Walk up to W.P. Then up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Lots of noisy customers. #43 home. Insight: My compulsion to eat chocolate every one in a while – I had two chocolate muffins this a.m. – may be due to me never allowing myself to have the “terrible twos.”

December 20 dream:  Get new Eurocard.

December 20 dream:  John F. and I and his dog Lula go out to eat somewhere. He says Lula’s doing better. Aunt Joanne and Harriet also there.

December 20 dream:  John H. in class for gay couples as am I. Later I shop and buy a whole bunch of cotton panties that may not even fit me.

December 20 dream:  Group of us take train on a joy ride. When it ends instead of getting arrested, we come to terms. AOC is one of our lawyers. Woman in our group has severe internal pains due to cancer. I am mad (at God?) and continue eating my chocolate ice cream cone.

December 19, 2020:  Translation group in a.m. Usual suspects. Sarah calls after. Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3:30 or so. Walk out. Drop my keys down the garbage shoot. Run down to office. Fortunately somebody was there and they were able to fish through the garbage and retrieve my keys. Walk to Excelsior. See hawk chased by two crows on Ocean. Go to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee and his mother out of Chrons. On to G.C.P. Evan standing in front of M.S., not looking at me. Then Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home.

December 19 dream:  Getting liquor, cigarettes and material for car we’re supporting in race.

December 19 dream:  At kind of beatnik gathering. My next counseling appointment with Suzanne D. is on Saturday, January 6, at 1:30 p.m. I’m supposed to come up with a name for it.

December 19 dream:  Guy with nice ass in black Speedos lying down in boat. People caressing his ass.

December 18, 2020:  In ’til noonish. #29 and walk to VA. Waiting in doc’s office, get call from wrong number. Makes me feel a little down. Heather calls just as doctor enters room. Have good session. Good rapport with doctor. As I’m leaving VA, cute short guy with tight, red, satin pants runs by. Feels like the Universe is giving me a “palate cleanser” from the earlier wrong phone number. Walk to Arizmendi Bakery on 9th Avenue. Catch #43 home. Then matcha latte at Target. Joe at W.F. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Really good group session with Ned Henry and the usual suspects. Second wrong number call in p.m. (*Relates to first dream of December 13?) Insight: Realized since I was not aggressive with my father, I must have been passive/aggressive. Trying to figure out how, probably by getting aggressive with myself.

December 18 dream:  Trying some online message without the “Louise Hay How Do You Feel You Me?” field. (*Relates to Translation group on Saturday a.m. where we discussed Louise Hay and her methods.)

December 18 dream:  Stop by to help a guy lift a bag of cement up his steps. I have a wheelbarrow which reads “170.”

December 18 dream:  Lance a boil.

December 17, 2020:  Finish BB. Take pee. Get anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. Take K downtown to main library. Walk back up Market to Castro. Run into Anton at Castro & 17th Street. Go down to Castro & 18th to view Anton’s photo of Mary Elaine Botts, a homeless woman who died recently in the Castro. Walk up 18th to Market to M.S. Portola. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Guy with tight black shorts and hairless legs on #43. Go to W.F. Run into Noah and his therapist wife who get really panicky when Noah and I were about to touch elbows. Later meet Randy from Portland, Oregon, at W.F. checkout.

December 17 dream:  Library trying to take away my library privileges ’cause I treat the reference volume too roughly. I am researching five different cases.

December 17 dream:  My Bernie group is talking trash about me and delays our dinner meeting for an hour. I go out to meet with them.

December 17 dream:  Hardware guy tries to make connection between fear and desire from the scrotum. I say, “Did you talk to Tommy [Hilfiger] about that?” He thought I was being sarcastic. I wasn’t. In front of large audience.

December 17 dream:  I buy fake heart. Cashier pretends not to know what it is. Rude woman takes over resto. I try to stay cool.

December 17 dream:  Zoë talking about in-depth course which both Heather and I want to take. Zoë tears up when looking at me.

December 17 dream:  Driving thru beautiful country, bad roads.

December 17 dream:  Eating chocolate candies.

December 17 dream:  Hanging out with girl and guy I’m supposed to have sex with.

December 16, 2020:  Realizing my hydrocele may be coming back. Take shower. Get anonymous call. Maybe not. Don’t know. In ’til 3ish. Walk to M.S. Portola. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home.

December 16 dream:  Kids trying to get away from adults who beat them.

December 16 dream:  Shutting down big corporate operation. Everyone in their dress clothes. Many people getting awards. I sit by somebody . . . on the phone.

December 16 dream:  Back in N.Y after being down in Paris. When it comes up in conversation, I say, “It’s not so great. I was there last weekend.” Though I do remember falling in love with somebody, but can’t remember who. Older man I’m with has been declared sick. So we’re opening all the windows in the apartment and preparing something to eat.

December 16 dream:  Big event golf game scheduled. Everything is ready. Me and motherly woman walk to event. Dusty tortoise in hallway. It opens it’s shell. Woman goes in and doesn’t come out. Video of two guys and girl on beach dancing and guy’s pants come down.

December 16 dream:  Jimmy Dore trying to sell me ¼ acre forest site in Pennsylvania.

December 16 dream:  Find possible book publisher for my book: Lancaster Press. Great Grandma there ordering us around. “Would you rather me be picky or pushy?” I say, “Do we get a choice?”

December 15, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to M.S. Portola. Cute vegetable guy. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Rick Thomas’s “Al Haferkamp Sunday Meeting” email. Released my father in p.m.

December 15 dream:  Woman with letter demanding we do something. People turning dark, then still. Some still alive. We try to escape. Little girl and I go thru big S.F. glass doorway, walking around the already dead.

December 15 dream:  Playing some interview games with fellow students. It’s dark. I manage to turn a light on dimly. Reseat myself. Young woman says she talked with my mother.

December 15 dream:  With a few other people. Ate some clear cheese with oil on it. It was heavenly. It improved my mood. I was in Berkeley and I wondered if I should look for a place there.

December 15 dream:  Joined “pity party” for people without jobs. I just listened. Bill F. was applying for job as V.P. Something about needing more than two teeth, needing two sets of teeth for the job.

December 15 dream:  It’s raining in S.F. In cafe with guy who asked me if I want “real porn.” I say, “Yes.” Lots of homeless sleeping on the laws in the rain. I am walking with guy and girl social workers.

December 14, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. My cute Asian friend from July 22 and August 30 in lobby wearing muscle T-shirt and long hair. I say hello. He is mute. Walk to W.P. Feel shits coming on. Take K home. Nasty woman on K. Walk home from Jules. Get matcha latte at Japanese place. Not very good. Insight: If I become president, than I’d be powerful enough to stand up to my father. (*Just after this insight, get anonymous call at about 7:50 p.m.)

December 14 dream:  In abandoned battle ship, Harriet and Obe and me and some others (Bill F.) settling in for the night. Other strangers start coming in. I try to find place to pee.

December 14 dream: Me being empathetic doctor?

December 14 dream:  Hear one ring of my phone even though is is turned off.

December 14 dream:  My new boss at work. Very nice man tells me he’s interested in AA but never went. He said he couldn’t afford it. I said, “They’re free.” He said his wasn’t. I told him I gave up drinking, too, but not through AA. In line with some other workers, feeling like a man.

December 14 dream:  Chasing cute guy, see Bob M. Compliment him on his haircut. He compliments me on mine.

December 14 dream:  Checking in to visit women’s facility. My female co-workers don’t like me.

December 13, 2020:  Sunday Meeting in a.m. Nine people. Heather’s last for a while. In ’til 3ish. Walk to M.S. Portola. Misty day. Starbucks. #43 home. TYT guy from a few days ago on #43. Shits on getting home.

December 13 dream:  Some young toughs hanging around my door, breaking through the lock. I’m hanging out in my neighbor’s and my yard. Finally realize I can call the police. I dial “0.”

December 13 dream:  In nice house or bar. Guy from Europe calls saying he wants us to watch him commit suicide. I get electronic overview of my life. Chart goes up. Then up again before going down. And then there’s a readout. Hanz there. I have on red shirt which leaves me partly naked. Feel I could fuck anybody. Bill F. takes naked Aunt Nancy into back room.

December 13 dream:  Go off by myself. See some beautiful mountains to photo. Go to small town. Guy I’d like to suck. I think, “I could live here.” Lots of young people hanging out.

Deember 12, 2020:  Translation group in a.m. Online work. Noon online astrology group with Wendy Cicchetii. Take bandage off. No swelling. Take shit. Take shower. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Talked with Lee and his mother. Felt shits coming on again so walked to Safeway briefly. Then #43 home. Cute Asian guy dressed in black. Then down to Target for matcha latte. Two more cute guys on K. Then McDs. Talked with fellow paralegal. Very nice guy. Feel I’m returning to civilization. Translate lymphoma.

December 12 dream:  My black boyfriend going too far giving me a hard time.

December 12 dream:  Acting group which hires “normal people,” people who are not super-beautiful.

December 12 dream:  “New stars of tomorrow” walk across very high walkway without railing.

December 12 dream:  Running on military base towards some meeting place.

December 12 dream:  See new part of S.F. I’d never seen before. My girlfriend stops by. I want to see my boyfriend, too.

December 12 dream:  Sitting in resto with four or five beautiful men and women and their five dogs, each with a different role to play.

December 11, 2020:  VA lady says the pain will increase and the swelling, too. I said, “I’m not taking any pain medication.” And, under my breath, “Fuck you.” In ’til 3ish. No shower ’til tomorrow. Walk to M.S. Portola. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Follow cute young guy with swiveling hips into W.F. I ask him about the organic pumpkin pie he’s looking at. Prosperos Round Table in p.m. Tom C. kind of quiet. Suzanne D. loud. Insight: My father thinks he owns my body. Translate Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis. Conclusion: Truth is infinitely generating and strong.

December 11 dream:  Tom O. and I both living in Hollywood. In laundromat fighting over something. I say to him, “How big and beautiful your arms are.” He’s trying to convince me to have a life in Hollywood.

December 11 dream:  I’m helping woman get ready for Congressional Committee 16.

December 10, 2020:  Go to VA for 10 a.m. appointment. Delay of about two hours. Finally begin surgery at about 3 p.m. (*Hawk at G.C.P. hier relates to doctor who talked to me and wrote “JF” on my stomach.) Wake up two hours later. John F. and Lula come to pick me up. This was the first time I’d “gone under” since my OBE (out of body) experience of sexual abuse with my father when I was 9ish. (*See diary of February 6.) This time I trusted the people I was going under for, even looked forward to it. And, of course, I had already had Suprasex with my doctor. (*Relates to shits from hier on arriving home, I think.) RHS my Dad: “You did this for evil, but God (aka Consciousness, Infinite Mind) meant it for good, so that I would better understand (and utilize) Suprasex.”

December 9, 2020:  VA calls. My operation is tomorrow at 10 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. On to G.P. Have to IOU for Chron. Sudoku on bench. On to G.C.P. Hawk flying at same level as me in valley to my left. Starbucks. #43 home. Shits on getting home.

December 9 dream:  Calvin in new pair of underwear dancing without his new partner. I was his old partner.

December 8, 2020:  Anonymous call in a.m. (*Relates to heart contraction from last night?) In ’til 1ish. #29 and #38 to VA. Black guy with wild hair on #29. I move to sit across from him. Guy with fishing pole on #28. I asked him if he was going fishing. He said he was going to fish off Sutro Baths. Take Covid test at VA. Hot guy on ground floor. I ask him where the blood bank was. Hot guy at blood bank. Walk from VA to 9th & Irving. Hot buy on his bike on 9th Avenue and later in donut shop. #43 home. Another anonymous call in p.m.

December 8 dream:  Sarah tells her therapist that she needs her medication. I tell her therapist, “I’m sure you’ll find them” and walk out of Castro Street resto. (h.o.)

December 8 dream:  Naked, well-built man embracing woman. I try to put umbrella over woman whose soaking wet in only a white dress, dancing in the rain. She says, “Did you let her go?” I say, “I never had her.”

December 8 dream:  Naked guy with great ass walks thru my apartment. Then girl I like from down the hall, who I haven’t seen for quite a while, knocks on my door and wants to know my phone number. I can’t remember it. Then realize she and guy might be together.

December 7, 2020:  Up early concerned about call from VA. They call. My appointment is for tomorrow. Catch up with online work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Buy more Xmas cards. Get “Perfect.” Walk up Ulloa to M.S. Then Starbucks. #43 home. Xmas cards in p.m.

December 7 dream:  Someone almost tips over my big multi-story house. By the name of bbb?

December 7 dream:  Finished adding up my numbers.

December 7 dream:  Working in basement job. Cute black guy comes in.

December 6, 2020:  Sunday meeting at 11 a.m. About 16 there. I admit at one point, “I had no idea Caliban had a mother.” Much tsk-tsking from Calvin and others. (*Relates to third dream of December 5 about attending Prosperos Assembly, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola Shopping Center, RHSing my father along the way. Realize that my method of punishing my father was to deny him my happiness. Fiona at M.S. makes me mad. Suddenly my side pain disappears. Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there. #43 home. Call Sarah. Talk with Jonathan as well. (*Relates to hawk from hier?)  VA calls in p.m. to set up appoint to operate on my balls. Abused kid on Suspects, Season 5, Episode 4 says, “It’s all my fault.”

December 6 dream:  Me and young woman on a laughing spree. (h.o.)

December 6 dream:  Gay guys going into theater for talk. Some checking each other out. One checks out me.

December 5, 2020:  Translation group in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola Shopping Center. Really cold day. Take path to Juanita Avenue. See young guy with older heavy-set man. Young guy is holding a fat-tired bicycle. Big guy smiles at me. I walk by. Turn around to get better look at young guy. Heavy-set guy says, “An early Christmas present.” I say, “Yeah, really amazing.” Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Hawk flies over me and lands on tree. Big line at Safeway. Isaac and Alan both there. I say at one point, “The line is moving.” Guy in front of me gives me a dirty look. Later same guy is looking at shelves when checkout stand opens up. I say, “Sir.” He gives me dirty look again. This time I could feel my adrenaline rising up. It was not flight. Made me feel good.

December 5 dream:  Looking for my money(?) (h.o.)

December 5 dream:  Black guy does impression of other black guy and it looks like a theft is in progress.

December 5 dream:  Arrive at Prosperos assembly. Hugh John is walking along the beach. In bus on way in, big clouds of dirty smoke. Daniel Crespo in room. TV doesn’t work unless you hit it. Also washer and dryer. I “accidentally “ bump into Danny from the back. He frowns at me. (*Relates to Sunday Meeting from December 6, I think.)

December 5 dream:  Waiting for woman to pay me. Anxious to get out of the house. She comes up with pail of dirty water. I try to steady her so she doesn’t spill it. She says, “At least the basement floor has been cleaned.” (*Relates to RHSing of my father on December 6?)

December 4, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. RHSing my father for trying to own me and myself for allowing him to. (*Relates to two coyotes from hier? The two coyotes representing my father and my younger self.) See Sudoku in G.P. On to G.C.P. Then M.S. Then Starbucks. Get a matcha latte. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30. Tom C. not there. Al H. there. Try to get Logitech camera fixed. See “Opportunity Knocks.” Watch JoJo Rabbit in p.m. Both May 1 and May 7 mentioned.

December 4 dream:  Get in fight with waiter named Omni. He won’t bring drink that I ordered for my friend. Then he writes something on the back of my jacket that I see on my way out. My heart beating fast.

December 4 dream:  Trying to get to restroom. Climb over some wooden busts in courtroom, taking attention away from the speaker.

December 4 dream:  Am taking care of little girl. She’s very trusting. I love her. She loves me. She has a little yellow mark on her face. She says, “Is that something?” I say, “I don’t know.” I’m carrying her and accidentally knock her head against something. I’m about to tell her, “Don’t think because I’m an adult that I know everything. I’m mostly just as much in the dark as you are.”

December 3, 2020:  Online work. EMDR session with Dr. Hirschfield at 2:30. I knew I trusted him as soon as I saw him on screen. Relived memory of my father and I in his bed when I was 9 years old. Takeaway: My resolve to never have anything to do with him again. Made me feel powerful. In’ til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Guy does donut at Mission and San Carlos Streets. Walk to G.P. See Sudoku on bench. Then on to G.C.P. Woman points out that two coyotes just went up the hill. Usually they stay downhill. Several murders of crows. Try my new London Fog drink at Starbucks. It seems okay. Kaleb there. #43 home.

December 3, 2020:  In cafeteria line. Maynard G. Krebs there.

December 2, 2020:  Get up early at about 8ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then to G.P. Then to G.C.P. Search online for Starbucks drink. Find a solution: London Fog, my old drink before COVID. Made me feel really happy. Starbucks Portola. #43 home. SF Berniecrats at 6:30 p.m. John F. and Mary L. there.

December 2 dream:  Alex G. is remodeling his apartment (kind of a rabbit hole) in an old apartment building. I say to him, “It kind of feels like Thane is here but not here.”

December 2 dream:  Gay couple on 5th floor of apartment on Geary. Also green murky pool on 5th floor. Guy says I am to take his cooking course.

December 2 dream:  Trump about to address the nation. He looks younger and fitter and happier and cockier.

December 2 dream:  Standing in line with woman who wants to know if she can do comedy and DJ. I say, “As far as I know.” I ask he where she has done comedy before. She says, “At some funeral.”

December 2 dream:  Getting ready to masturbate. Harriet walks in. I say, “Hello, Mother.”

December 1, 2020:  Bills. Walk to mailbox. See really attractive guy in white pants and white shirt with little black fanny pack on his cute little fanny. I follow him to downstairs W.F. Then go to mailbox. Stop by W.F. again. See my guy in grocery department. Go up to him and ask about what he’s doing. When I finish, he says, “So long.” I repeat, “So long.” (*Relates to hawk circling on Ocean Avenue hier, I believe.) Go home. Finish monthly BB. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Talk with Lee. Then G.C.P. Decide I can no longer do matcha lattes due to their effect on me. Am pissed about it. Feel like a spoiled child being denied something I really want. Get iced green tea at Starbucks. Then go to Creighton’s next door and talk to woman there for first time in many months. #43 home. Insight: My body problems of adaptability a microcosm of Earth’s problems of adaptability? Other insight: My father was at the apex of the American dream so he felt he had the right to do whatever he liked. Did I inherit some of that mentality? Watch Are You Being Served? Young Mr. Grace says, “My tea bag broke” (again).

December 1 dream:  Thane says, “At 17, I created my first menu.” I’m directly across from him in the back of the room, creating my own menu which is blank at the moment. He says those who are doing this are a very endangered species.

November 30, 2020:  Write “Look up, look up, look up!” blog in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. See hawk circling three times at the 7-11. Then walk to M.S. Talk with my Asian afro friend. Then Starbucks. Anthony there. Wasn’t able to talk with him just like I wasn’t able to talk with my Asian afro friend hier. #43 home. AT&T calls. Wants me to call back during working hours, though they called me at about 8:30 p.m. Hear “passive/aggressive” mentioned in movie. Recall my dream of November 25. Realize I was passive/aggressive towards my father.

November 30 dream:  Visit my late brother’s son. He’s thrilled to see me. He grabs onto my leg.

November 30 dream:  Comforting my little brother.

November 30 dream:  Am given a “press pass.”

November 29, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Pass my Asian afro friend without comment. Talk with my homeless friend. Then walk home via Mt.D. Insight: Realize I remained mad at my father for rejecting me as his lover. My attraction to him? He was a great provider. Later in p.m. accidentally spray my eyes with chemical. I ask myself, “Now what does this mean?” Then remembered Oedipus story. When Oedipus realizes what he has done, he gouges his eyes out.

November 29 dream:  Audition to replace crazy naked guy. Some were just beautiful. One had a sling to hold up his long dick.

November 29 dream:  Go out with a bunch of older people. Have trouble being included in the conversation. Can’t wait to get to my family dinner at 7:30. One of the older persons was at the final presentation of Gore as the nominee.

November 29 dream:  Go to get haircut at outdoor venue. About 30 of us sitting down. Bob Krell there. I think, “I can come back at another time.”

November 29 dream:  In Paris. Lots of cute boys around. Leave gum on post. I think, “If I’m ever in Paris again, maybe it’ll still be there.”

November 28, 2020:  Translation workshop at 9 a.m. Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Beautiful Middle-Eastern guy smiles at me in front of remodeled Fog Lifter Cafe. Feel very comfortable on the south side of Ocean (not my usual route). Then see somebody on north side. Reluctantly cross street and almost miss cute cyclist on south side. Run into guy who had a “Vote” mural on his van. I tell him how successful he was. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. I talk about Anthony. Down Teresita to Safeway. Wave to Pete. Nice-looking Asian construction work greets me at Safeway. I wonder, “Do I know him?” Later comment as he’s choosing which beer to buy. Compliment woman cashier on her ruby red wedding ring. Guy talking on his cellphone on Frida Kahlo saying, “Mucho dinero. Millones.”

November 28 dream:  In funny hotel one woman goes to see Norma Keller. Me and the other woman go off to visit guy who can wrap things up for us.

November 28 dream:  For petty reasons, one guy trying to hold up roomful of people trying to meet.

November 28 dream:  Rush to water’s edge to interview somebody. Scott Shafer of KQED wants to interview me. I say, “No I can’t.” He says, “As soon as you can, I’ll hold a spot for you.” I give him a thumb’s up.

November 28 dream:  At kid’s park, Tom C. with lots of young kids. Get stuck and panicky on brick wall on way up. Then okay. Then Jerry Seinfeld gives stand-up routine. Carol C. there. Lauren S. as well. He doesn’t say much.

November 28 dream:  Go to nurse AOC for pains in my sides.

November 27, 2020:  View YT video about “Creating New Memories.” AT&T man stops by again. Wires are now connected properly. Other repairmen to return next week. (*Relates to memory of my father and my scheduled EMDR session on Thursday?) Bad-smelling man smell in kitchen. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. #43 home. No Prosperos Round Table today.

November 27 dream:  Going up escalator over tunnel which is being spread with gas and fire in a military drill, I think. We go up. See Broadway production going on to our right. One of the guys with us is very drunk. Someone asks me to help the woman he was with to take care of him. (h.o.)

November 27 dream:  Guy trying to get on S.F. bus but is not a resident of the whole city, just his district. I try too. Big demonstration. Woman trying to sell anti-city flags. AIDS Treatment News.

November 27 dream:  Lots of half-naked men and women in black run thru lobby of grant hotel. I win lots of gifts, prizes. Woman says one of the guys will cut a piece for SNL. Other woman says I have to go ’cause I have to move my car. I think, “I don’t have a car.”

November 27 dream:  In library, one guy chases after another. Guy with bag of somebody else’s stuff puts it right next to me. Several people come running to claim it. Then others join me in my arts & crafts project.

November 26, 2020:  Sarah calls in a.m. We have virtual Thanksgiving. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. I’m very happy. Think I’ve put together what my father did to me. Buy turkey TV dinner at Ezzy-Freezy. Walk up to Starbucks Portola. They just closed. Walk down to Starbucks W.P. Cute guy behind counter. K home. Driver asks me where I want to get off. I say, “Lee.” He passes Lee so I get off at next stop. Nuke my Thanksgiving dinner. It’s okay-ish.

November 26 dream:  Spend night in gay bath house. Some really cute guys come in. I wake up. Guy advises me to sleep on top of something to guard it. See photo of Alley Sheedy on back of law degree diploma. I pick it up and say, “I just wanted to read about what Alley Sheedy was up to.” I say to Janet C., “Did you just graduate?” She says, “Yeah.” Everyone in circle congratulates her. I’m guessing she still has to take the bar exam. (*Relates to me and the memory of my father and my upcoming EMDR?)

November 26 dream:  Guy I work with says we’ll be out of the building by January.

November 25, 2020:  AT&T guy stops by in a.m. Has to call 2nd guy to finish job. Take nap. 2nd guy comes. He can’t finish the job either. Wires not connected right. Sarah calls. Then Dr. Hirschfield calls and we set up appointment for me to try EMDR online next Thursday. Walk to 7-11 and back. Then W.F. Lots of shoppers. Listen to more of The Body Keeps the Score. Memory: Feeling of not being sure what I look like.

November 25 dream:  Being with some girls I liked and Tom O. Walking back, Tom wanted a souvenir of the underpants I was wearing then. I resisted.

November 25 dream:  Guy telling what happened in early June won’t get to the point.

November 25 dream:  Driving north with two women friends. We almost take wrong turn. Then stop at modern rest stop. They serve Indian food but you have to search for it. Lots of bread but only one piece of meat. It hadn’t been taken so I thought of taking it.

November 25 dream:  Arriving in strange village in the morning, but the sky seems to be darkening. I walk up steep ramp with no railing. Hear other voices so I assume it’s okay.

November 25 dream:  Thane refers to me as passive/aggressive, I think.

November 25 dream:  Something happens on Wednesday.

November 25 dream:  Someone gives me John Knowles invoice. I say, “It’s not mine.” They insist I keep it.

November 24, 2020:  Up early. Do online work. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Beautiful young man sitting in car with door open, smoking. On to library. Then G.P. See Sudoku on bench. Walk thru G.C.P. Talk with my Asian with afro greeter friend at M.S. Mau (meaning “cat” in Cantonese) at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Stiver on arriving home? Listen to more of The Body Keeps the Score. Insights: Wanting to become powerful can be a response to humiliation.

November 24 dream:  I keep on ironing something even though old lady wants me to stop and laughs at me.

November 24 dream:  It’s daylight with the same cast of characters. Bill Floyd there.

November 23, 2020:  Shits in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Post office line too long. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. See Anthony for first time since October 30, 2020. It was great to see him again. He had been away visiting his family in Ontario, CA. And I was wearing my TYT Pride T-shirt like I had hoped he’s see on October 31. Listen to more of The Body Keeps the Score. Author is talking about EMDR. Later watch Law & Order U.K. and they are talking about EMDR as well. So I make appointment with therapist to try EMDR for my memories with my father.

November 23 dream:  Our sherpa is taking us to places we don’t want to go: on a ship whose captain is not welcoming and to a wrestling match.

November 23 dream:  Put money and keys in picket with hole in it. Recover most of money, but go back outside to find keys. Guy says, “I know what you’re looking for” and gives me beautiful painted egg. Other guy talks about drugs.

November 22, 2020:  Had two waffles with sugar-free syrup in a.m. Side pain came back. RHSed my father all day. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola. Then on to Safeway. Alan there when I walk in. Then, when I was ready to check out, he had left. But I did get to speak with Isaac. Bought pumpkin pie. #43 home.

November 22 dream:  Another opportunity to vote for Bernie. I’d have to get an operation on my nose like Bob M. (h.o.)

November 22 dream:  Man’s daughter is flying off somewhere. The jet engines seem to be following the plane rather than attached to it.

November 22 dream:  On train. Then go to model city/robot making place. Find a desk and a seat. Ask my co-worker, “Do you know what we’ll be doing?” She says, “Oh, yes. And there will be plenty of work.”

November 21, 2020:  Tough night last night. Translation group in a.m. Do online work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library, RHSing along the way. Realize my dissociation when my father approached me sexually may relate not only to other sexual opportunities in my life but also has been a general pattern of behavior in any situation of danger or adventure in my life. I simply dissociate. Thane’s comment to Karen Dahlquist and me at the Inner Space Center, “That’s right, Karen, force him to make a decision.” Always wondered what that meant, but how can I make a decision when I’m dissociating? See $100 in play money on Diamond Street in G.P. just like the $100 I found on January 25, 2020. On to G.C.P. Then M.S. My hot grocery clerk with long black hair and tight black pants. Also Asian greeter outside with afro. Starbucks Portola. #43 home.

November 21 dream:  Joe Biden will be able to adopt me if he sees me three more times and brings me some sort of present at night. Later I’m moving in with several of my girl cousins. One says at group table, “I can be a dictator.” I say, “We can all be a dictator.”

November 21 dream:  Go to building for event. Meet girl manager of building. After, run into her on my way out. I ask her out ’cause she seemed to expect me to.

November 21 dream:  At resto, guy says to guy I like, “So, are you happy?” My guys ays, “I was happy.”

November 21 dream:  Stay late at work today (10 p.m.). Doing something I really enjoy. I am about to leave. Some attorneys about to leave also. Take long pee, impatiently. Can’t figure how to turn off radio.

November 21 dream:  I was running and jumping on the sidewalks of N.Y. really happy ’cause I’d made a personal breakthrough. Trying to return ancient Greek statue to 144 Argonaut Lane in lower Manhattan. They were like totem poles. Character at the bottom of one of the totems was a man in a modern suit.

November 20, 2020:  Insight: My desire for fame another way to get away from my father? In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Turn right on Miramar, following cute guy walking his dog. Walk up to Mt.D. Three guys on path having a picnic. I turn around to get a better look. One guy very excited to see me. I almost trip. (*Relates to distant hawk from hier?) On to CVS. Pat there. We talked a bit. Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. there. He and wife are moving to Portugal in a few months. Listen to more of The Body Keeps the Score. Insight: child sexual abuse can lead to unexplained pain.

November 20 dream:  Am taking photos. Then take break and forget my camera. Pass by slogan from USS Missouri. Remember that’s Thane’s ship. Rush back to get my camera.

November 20 dream:  Jerry Seinfeld and I may take $27 course on “getting back into comedy.” Others there eating burgers, one very raw.

November 20 dream:  At N.Y. movie theater. Big guy in front of me speaking his own dialogue over the movie. I ask him to stop. He doesn’t. I move down to near stage. Jon Stewart and other comedians there. Then I’m in a N.Y. office building. I’m trying to leave. Old man who is guest of honor is not feeling well.

November 20 dream:  Double green light.

November 20 dream:  Man being stripped and thrown into clear swimming pool.

November 19, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Buy Xmas cards at W.P. Cute young salesman turned out to be son of owner. Attends Georgetown pre-med. Thinks a lot of himself. Walk out. Decide to buy 2021 calendars as well with another sales person. Get “Perfect” afterwards. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there. Distant hawk at Mt.D. #43 home. Listen to more of The Body Keeps the Score audiobook. Insights: I disassociate when sexual opportunities arise just like I did when my father approached me. Also: My side pain began shortly after my father died in 1996 and is, in effect, my father reminding me that he’s still “on my back.”

November 19 dream:  Me and my supervisor taking out the horrible possibility of losing AOC to another part of the country.

November 19 dream:  See Chris H., Livia, and others I haven’t seen in a while, at gathering.

November 19 dream:  Women’s Equality Day.

November 19 dream:  Poster of Marilyn Monroe. We’re trying to decide where to put it.

November 18, 2020:  In ’til 12:30ish. Go to Castro for dental appointment. After walk thru Castro. Things look bad and boarded up. Pass by J’s bar and kind of wave inside. Walk down street. Talk to resto owner about his attractive parklet. (*Relates to two falls from hier?) Walk up Market. M.S. Then Starbucks Portola. Cyclist at crosswalk. Then #43 home. Anonymous call. Listen to video and online audio book about physical pain from trauma.

November 18 dream:  The voice speaking to us wants us to become owners and managers instead of just followers. Now that anything seems possible I am trying to get the clock on the wall to move its hands. But it was very small and I wanted people to notice it. (h.o.)

November 18 dream:  Going out to fancy resto with Marilyn D. and other classmates. We try to pay bill. Manager says it’s too late to pay him. We have to pay elsewhere. Marilyn sweet talks him. She also has a lot of money. I chip in a dollar for some extra expense. Get look from male friend that it’s too little.

November 18 dream:  Going back into work. Look at beautiful mountains with waves on top of them. Woman and man touch hands. I think of wonderful conversation I had with someone. Think my relationship with J is over. Then remember I just made connection with him hier. Almost slip into water under sculpture. Grab onto sculpture’s butt.

November 18 dream:  See “the cause of your pain” in dictionary.

November 18 dream:  Magazine on old guys. Agile baby chick with big pussy.

November 17, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Kind of rainy day. I wait for guy walking out of W.F. Later he slow walks and grabs his ass. Walk to Excelsior library. Slip on wet sidewalk. Almost fall but don’t. On to G.P. Lee not there. Walk thru G.C.P. Slip again. Almost slip and fall but manage to walk away without getting my pants dirty. On to Starbucks Portola with muddy hands. #43 home.

November 17 dream:  Woman allows me to sit in on piano audition. She lays on the floor. I sit on it.

November 17 dream:  Sitting with the big “quiet.” Many guys in the back room. The others were in the front room. Looking out at bottom of huge tree with many little trees growing under it. The tree, though, is only 37 years old.

November 16, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. talking with Sarah on the phone while I’m walking. Starbucks Portola. #43 home. A lot of Translating due to pain in my sides. Mutation: video in p.m. about trauma. (*Relates to first dream of November 15?)

November 16 dream:  Volunteering at a fair hoping someone promotes their product. Maybe poison in some of the cotton buds.

November 16 dream:  Headed towards the laundromat which is open from 6-8 p.m. Dirty hippy tries to block car in street for a while.

November 15, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Looking for Xmas cards. Bookstore closed. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Get in wrong line, trying to avoid obnoxious hetero couple, but miss Alan as a result. RHS God re: my side pain.

November 15 dream:  Woman realizes boyfriend is setting up holiday in paradise for her on September 15 ’cause that’s the day he’ll be in court for something he wants to hide. She and her new boyfriend decide to go on their own. Company now running started in 2016 by criticizing conservative political party it once supported.

November 15 dream:  Starting work at new company. Some people I’ve worked with before. Strange but safe place. Not much work to do yet. I did do two letters.

November 14, 2020:  Zoom Translation group at 9 a.m. Bulent, Sarah, Ugur, etc. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior. Then G.P. Lee outside liquor store talking to older man. Walk thru G.C.P. Then follow guy to run into Pat just getting off work at CVS. Then Kaleb at Starbucks. Really nice MUNI driver on #43 home.

November 14 dream:  Organizing a big fundraiser. Sarah is underwriter, though not financially.

November 14 dream:  Still organizing this event.

November 14 dream:  Trying to get myself and some Xmas decorations out of a spider-web covered basement window. Al H. there, too.

November 13, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk outside. It’s rainy/misty. I walk down Ocean to buy paper at Walgreens and matcha latte at Target. Then walk back to W.F. Woman greeter says the front door is now open and more or less insists I use it. Run into beautiful black guy with “Dartmouth” T-shirt. Got in line behind him. He pretended to be straight. AT&T calls. I think it’s a crank call. (*Relates to last dream of November 10?) Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. My dream about Tom C. was really about Al H? (*Relates to 2nd dream of November 11?)

November 13 dream:  All but proven that guy (Tom O.?) lied. Everyone is going on to next thing.

November 13 dream:  Have discussion about resuming relations with Britain. “I mean, France is updated, but England . . .”

November 12, 2020:  In ’til 2:30. Appointment with eye doctor in W.P. No change in prescription from last year. Two or three anonymous calls. Cute Asian guy in shorts on W.P. Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Shits on getting home about 5ish.

November 12 dream:  Inviting new guests for dinner. Have to stretch the meatloaf. The living room table is set for one.

November 12 dream:  Decide to leave East Bay party in old warehouse. Don’t have a ride but run into Danette Valdez from DOJ and she offers me a ride to Katy Katy’s. I say, “Sure.” There are bathroom signs saying “dentists” and “meditators.” She says she is a meditator. I say, “I’m afraid I am too.”

November 12 dream:  In auditorium full of people at card tables. Guy walking around looking for serial killer. Gets to me. Things look good. Then he reverses himself and looks at some sort of chemicals and says I could never be one. Feel relief.

November 12 dream:  I’m taking shower while my cute new friend reads my talk aloud. Then he gets in and takes a shower.

November 11, 2020:  Anonymous call at 2 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Second anonymous call about 3:30 Walk down Ocean to Portola to W.P. Up Ulloa. Talk to woman with broken ceramic bowls in her front garden. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola #43 home. Talk with young man who was a fencer, in the back of the bus. (*Relates to hawks from hier, I think.) Berniecrats at 6:30 p.m.

November 11 dream:  Living in house with Nancy, Laurie and Tom O., trying to account for all the empty bottles.

November 11 dream:  Tom C and two others pretend we’re singing like we used to in Prosperos performance. Tom is leaning up against me and laughing and looking all thin and beautiful. One minute I want to kill him ’cause he’s so beautiful. Next I want to take care of him and prevent anyone from harming him.

November 11 dream:  My right toenail falling off.

November 11 dream:  Meet young blond guy who likes me and vice versa.

November 11 dream:  Planning on going to class later with Baba M., but he disappears. On Navy base. See white poles amid the building for quick evacuations.

November 10, 2020:  Put my post “Are conservatives just unevolved liberals?” on BB update. Anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Cute guy walks by smiling. Walk to G.P. Skateboarder at Monterey & Circular. (*Relates to hawk and two crows from hier, I think.) G.P. Then G.C.P. Hawk at apex, pretty close. Then 2nd hawk. Later on Amber Street a 3rd hawk. Starbucks Portola. #43 home.

November 10 dream:  Me trying to add up some numbers in the dark. Woman looking over my shoulders.

November 10 dream:  I tell fellow female co-worker, “My mother, I mean, my step-mother, is going to work where I(?) used to work.”

November 10 dream:  Thriller War: old movie comes to life. Even empty cereal box joined in as a weapon.

November 10 dream:  First day on the job as legal secretary in N.Y. Later I’m going out to lunch.

November 10 dream: Crowd laughs at me. I run into Tom O. We go to store he likes. It’s raining hard.

November 9, 2020:  Tough night last night. Up early. Sarah calls in a.m. Submit BB post on “Are conservatives just unevolved liberals?” to SF Berniecrats. Nap. VA alls at 4 p.m. Will schedule “minor” operation (on my scrotum). Walk down Ocean. Some nasty skateboarders just outside main entrance to apartment building. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to Starbucks. #43 home. Nasty black woman sitting across from me. She got all happy when I got up and left my seat. (*Relates to reaction from SF Berniecrats?) Burrito at W.F. Cute worker there showed me where to get one even thought I already knew.

November 9 dream:  Taking multiple choice test. Really anxious for it to finish. Throw something at friend to get his attention. I don’t.

November 9 dream:  Making an inventory of things for the move.

November 9 dream:  Trying to get past playful female lion. I did it easily when I didn’t know she was there.

November 8, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Searching high and low for a Sunday Chronicle. Walk up Ulloa. Hawk followed by two crows. The crows flew off just as the hawk flew over me. CVS. Starbucks Portola. Down Teresita to Safeway. Get $3 change to buy paper from rack. #43 home. Rush out to look for Chron in racks. No luck on Ocean. Walk up Miramar. Cute guy at corner smiles at me with his eyes. I smiles back with mine. (*Relates to hawk from Diamond Heights Blvd. hier, I believe.) Stop by two more places on Monterey looking for paper. No luck. Walk home. Did a lot of Translating. Conclusion: “I am the one infinite all-inclusive Self found.”

November 8 dream:  Coming home from work at night, my next door neighbor Zoë R. says young man next do her needs a place to stay for a while.

November 8 dream:  In N.Y. at my new live-in job working for music industry mafia-type guy. It’s my first day and i’m really tired.

November 8 dream:  My car slides off the bed into the closet. There are two gifts for my two other brothers from my father just like he gave me.

November 8 dream:  Sister Laurie and I go off to her cafe. I decide I’m going to go to my brother Tom’s Advance Seminar class. Feel very happy about that. Take very large piece of cake downstairs and plop it in front of my friend David. My father there, too. I’m looking for coffee.

November 7, 2020:  9 a.m. Translation workshop. Bulent’s young son Alp and I give each other thumbs up. Do online work. Get excited about Biden win. Then moment of intense, unexpected, anger in kitchen. Take nap. Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then to G.P. Liquor store out of papers. Buy Chron from rack across the street. Drop dime. Old Asian lady picks it up for me. On to G.C.P. See “Nothing but Love” on Arbor Street. See hawk on Diamond Heights Boulevard. Family to young girl: “We’re going this way.” Me: “Looks like she’s going that way.” Hawk at apex of G.C.P. Friendly poodle runs towards me. Girl on crutches on rugged trail. I say, “Must be hard to walk this trail on crutches.” She says, “Yes, but it’s worth it.” Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. Go to burrito place. I think burrito lady likes me. Makes me uncomfortable. Near accident as car speeds through red light at Laguna Honda Boulevard. Murder of crows nearby. #43 home. Listen to Harris/Biden speeches.

November 7 dream:  In New York, staying at apartment, hanging out with Chris H-type friend who may be dying. He brings with him the book(s) he’s written. Says he wants to help em publish my book. I don’t know what to do with my life. Maybe I’ll just take the tour bus every a.m. ’til I figure it out.

November 7 dream:  Washing my clothes and putting them in drying in same machine. Others at laundromat trying to squelch those who are rumor-mongering about something.

November 6, 2020:  Up early to see election results. YAY! Post “Are conservatives just unevolved liberals?” Take shower. Fantasize about John calling me. Then he calls me. Shits about 3ish. Sarah likes my BB post via BB comment. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola. Up to burrito place. Kaleb and big crowd at Starbucks Portola. Xmas décor already up. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. and 12 others there. Anonymous call at 8:30 p.m.

November 6 dream:  Woman at work or school sets up department of feelings where we can write more effectively about them. I ask her if I can talk to her. She says, “No, not now.”

November 5, 2020:  Up early to see election results. YAY! Post “Are conservatives just unevolved liberals?” Take shower. Fantasize about John calling me. Then he calls me. In ’til 3ish. Finish video “Are conservatives just unevolved liberals?” Walk to Excelsior library. See Alvin from S.F. Berniecrats on Ocean Avenue just outside Avalos H.Q. Then as I’m passing H.Q. have nice connection with young man inside (*Relates to hawk on Casitas from hier, I think.) Continue to library. Then cute guy at G.P. liquor store. Then home owner on Amber Drive who is heading my direction and suddenly turns around, leaving his door open as I pass by. I take it as an invitation. But also an insult. (*Relates to my father doing a similar thing with me?) Murder of crows over Tower Market shopping center. M.S. Starbucks Portola. Ate chocolate brownie ’cause things were going so well. Felt pain afterwards. #43 home.

November 5 dream:  Film industry opening up again after big climax earlier. Lots of green grass.

November 5 dream:  Going to class wishing I had finished my assignment. Noting different bodies of water have different surface patterns.

November 4, 2020:  Get up early at 7ish. Work online. Take a nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Miramar to Mt.D. Sole hawk on Casitas. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. Record BB video #5: “Are Conservatives Just Unevolved Liberals?”

November 4 dream:  Massaging my leg on Treasure Island on way to get paid. (h.o.)

November 4 dream:  Me and Tom going up to the 9th floor. I have on his gray suit with a red tie. Also something prickly and sickly in my mouth I try to take out. Also I’m bleeding slightly.

November 3, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Cute skateboarder with his girlfriend at San Jose and Ocean. Walk to G.P. No Lee. Walk thru G.C.P. Cute, well-built jogger lets me pass and says, “Thank you.” Car with No. 33 on it. M.S. Kaleb at Starbucks. #43 home. Prosperos election night Zoom. Shahid Zoom.

November 3 dream:  Trump supporter pours black oil into drain. It begins to come out the other side.

November 3 dream:  I/we are moving out of big storage area. We surprise Mom. I break big earthen planter but didn’t like it much any way.

November 2, 2020:  Up “early” at 8 a.m. Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola up to CVS. See short, dark and handsome skateboarder on the way. Of the 5 or 6 skateboarders, he was the one I connected with. Pat not at CVS. Anthony not at Starbucks. #43 home.

November 2 dream:  Small memorial service for 33 young men who died in the war. I and others were sobbing. Later I invited myself along to an outing. One of the guys was a brother to Cliff Hurley who I knew at Oregon State.

November 2 dream:  Voice calling out to “Madame” as I’m in the backyard of some house with partially dead lawn.

November 1, 2020:  Bills. Monthly BB. McD’s. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. #43 to Safeway. Israel not there. Alan is. #43 home. From Are You Being Served?: Sometimes people have out-of-body experiences when they are sleeping. Also: Young Mr. Grace’s T-bag broke.

November 1 dream:  Some prize people came by the house. My parents were desperately trying to keep them out. Then when they got in, it was like everyone was glad to see them. I told Harriet, “I don’t know what this is all about so I’m going to take a walk.” She smiles.

November 1 dream:  Dating Bus comes for next leg of the trip. I’m rushing to get soap out of tube soap.

November 1 dream:  Guy (Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory) being escorted away by four undercover cops on Market Street, S.F. Then he runs. Someone grabs his wig. Then just two cops remain. He makes another escape attempt. I join the undercover cops.

October 31, 2020:  Translation workshop in a.m. Sense testimony: “Tribalism creates a threatening environment.” Calvin responds to my email about the black actors in “Gone With The Wind.” (*Relates to 2nd dream of October 3, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Got my “Pride” TYT T-shirt in mail. Walk to copy shop. It’s closed. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Beautiful male cyclist on Circular Avenue. No Lee at G.P. liquor store. Then G.C.P. Change shirt midway, hoping to see Anthony again at Starbucks Portola while wearing my Pride T-shirt. Anthony not there. Kaleb smiles at me. #43 home. Stop by Beep’s. Adoré not there.

October 31 dream:  My operation is postponed. I see fires breaking out in my kitchen.

October 30, 2020:  Up early. Do work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. See “Lucky.” See Anthony at Starbucks Portola. He’s really happy to see me. He says: “I like your T-shirt.” I have to look to see what T-shirt I am wearing. It’s my Frisco T-shirt. I say: “No Kaleb today?” He says: “He’s on a break.” (*Relates to hawk & crow from October 28?) #43 home. Another guy likes my T-shirt. Go home. Then to Pakwan to meet up with cute guy who is not there when I get there, thought he does show up shortly. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30. Tom C. there. Also Al H. (*Relates to coyote from hier?) Wonderful meeting.

October 30 dream:  I need to save something from cat box with cat in it. Suzanne D. said I did it before. She feeds it a small bird. Then I stick my hand in. It gets bloody but I retrieve something. Black friend stops by. We have to walk thru 4” deep water. He doesn’t want to ruin his shoes but goes ahead anyhow.

October 30 dream:  About to leave thru door. Big bully stops us. Later we are on the other side but he may be the same guy.

October 30 dream:  Rent small car. Someone tries to replace the battery on the phone. Then several people try to sell me on their miniature sauna. It smells like a sauna but it’s only about an inch wide.

October 29, 2020:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee at liquor store. Go to G.C.P. I am RHSing my relationship with John. Realize my relationship with John mirrors my relationship with my father: that I was totally dedicated to my father regardless of how he may or may not have reciprocated. See coyote in G.C.P. Then Kaleb at Starbucks with 5 or 6 of his friends. #43 home. (*Shits from October 27 relate to John reading this online diary today?)

October 29 dream:  In England, paying my taxes in advance. Still in trouble though, I think.

October 29 dream:  Dream about my book.

October 28, 2020:  Anonymous call. (*Relates to shits from hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Skateboarder on Ocean: “We’ve got to make sure it’s true.” G.P. No Lee. Walk to G.C.P. Hawk and crow at Arbor Street. Woman on phone saying: “Right.” See same man on Amethyst Way that I saw hier at the same time and place. Today I talk with him. He seems very nice. Walk to Market via Duncan. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Three “wild” women in back seat mention “Evan.”

October 28 dream:  Worried we have lots of bread crumbs and blood under the table. The authorities are on their way over to inspect. I blow away a dust ball. Struggle to get up.

October 28 dream:  Yelling to “New York” about something. Someone says It may not do any good but it makes you feel better. Guy gives us car(?) and trunk with big punch bowl and two unopened bottles of something and two large glasses.

October 28 dream:  I’m stapling together two thick bunches of documents for The Prosperos. Go to ask Clair Gold what to do with small note pad. She says, “Give it to the boss’s boss.” And that The Prosperos is in the pink. Me and another guy notices office smells smoky. We are in a high-rise building.

October 28 dream:  Document about woman who faxes to . . . .

October 28 dream:  Losing my big toe nail.

October 27, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Cute guy returning a book. Go to G.P. Walked by black guy. See “triple take” in store window. So I do a triple take of him. Lee not at liquor store. See Sudoku guy on local G.P. bench. Walk thru G.C.P. feeling “shittier” and “shittier.” Walk into the woods and take a shit. Use Chron sports page to wipe my ass. Starbucks Portola. Just miss #43. Then another one comes along in about a minute. Spill matcha latte on entering. Woman passenger says, “Don’t worry.” See Evan on Portola Drive as we pass by him.

October 27 dream:  I mislay my mask along with what I was eating. Not many are wearing masks. I wonder if this is how it ends, with people just not wearing masks any more. I find what I had been eating but not my mask. Cute, friendly guy confirms what I had been eating.

October 27 dream:  Trump is running for reelection as Mayor of S.F. and he’s doing better than we thought he would.

October 26, 2020:  Wake up early. Take nap at 1ish. Get call from “Private Number.” (*Relates to 3 hawks over Mt.D. hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Hear cat having sex in alleyway. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Then down Teresita to Safeway. Strange Spanish-speaking homeless guy as I was leaving. #43 home. Feel bad about Amy Coney Barrett. Then realize I was really feeling bad about the “Private Number” call. Got me so excited that I had a hard time getting to sleep.

October 26 dream:  Was going to move in with guy. Then he decides to maybe move back in with his older male lover. Me checking out woman across the street who was nearly naked.

October 25, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue to W.P. Sunday papers sold out at 3 places ’til I reach my final store. Walk up Ulloa to M.S. See Evan (or at least the back of Evan) as I leave M.S. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. 3 hawks soaring over Mt.D. #43 home.

October 25 dream:  Lots of confusion at work as to who should be doing what. Boss says to me, “Well, do something.” I’m trying to figure out what needs to be done.

October 25 dream:  Everything had been moved away but my slat of “land.”

October 25 dream:  Visiting San Anselmo. Trying to back Leigh’s car out of parking structure. Brakes don’t work.

October 24, 2020:  Translation workshop in a.m. William Fennie presented. It was wonderful workshop. In ’til 3ish. Two shits before leaving. Walk to Excelsior library. Really nice librarian guy with dancing eyes, which caught me off guard. Then slight Asian guy tucking in his pants on Mission. Walk to G.P. Lee at liquor store. We speak of SF Chronicle music critic Joshua Kosman, who he reads. I tell him I read the column he wrote about the possibility of doing an opera based on the life of Donald Trump like the opera they did on Nixon. Lee enjoyed that. Walk to G.C.P. Crazy squirrel on Turquoise Way. Then Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Child with family calls out as I reach home, “Hey, can you play with us?” Shits again on getting home. Write “The word ‘dean'” BB blog in p.m.

October 24 dream:  Meet girl at mall. She wants to date me (in addition to her current boyfriend). At first I don’t think so. Then when I see her (she was on my back before), I get kind of turned on. Guy there I know.

October 24 dream:  Writing something for Kamala’s VP candidate?

October 24 dream:  Tom C., me, Karen Porter and other woman all do psychodrama. It cost $400 each. Tom said he paid his own money. I said I did also. We all ride home together.

October 24 dream:  John comes over mad about me asking him to wear flip-flops. He’s barefoot. I say, “I don’t care what you wear.” He sits cross-legged on chair. He has on short-shorts and not much else. I say, “You look like you’re ready to have sex.”

October 23, 2020:  Up “early” at 9 a.m. Finish online work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior. Hot skateboarder at Alemany & Ocean. See “Stay Home.” Continue to G.P. Lee not at liquor store. On to G.C.P. Guy with hat and mask on looks at me. (*Relates to hawk and crows from hier?) Then M.S. Then Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. Cute Asian guy crossing Portola Drive. #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. not there.

October 23 dream:  Working indoors in fancy house with female lion and cat who got up and left the room in a toy car when I and somebody else stated walking around. Other wild cats, but not dangerous, left to come with us. I had run out of work to do. Was given small assignment and jumped on it. Jim Renza there.

October 23 dream:  Someone asks me about the 7 p.m. meditation I started.

October 23 dream:  Belong to group which was trying to help people with AIDS. One guy said he had AIDS. So I said that some people take AZT. So we passed out AZT to everyone there. I said there may be some side effects. We went around the room. I said, “My name is Michael Zonta. I’m a former member of Occupy San Francisco and a current member of Occupy San Francisco.” Other people in the group raised their hands as well. I said that I edited two, no, three websites though I was having trouble remembering them.

October 23 dream:  Talking with bare-breasted woman saxophone player who really got into her music. I said, “I could watch you all day.” She had short gray hair. Could have been transexual. Delivery truck came as we were talking. And then she had a sweater on.

October 22, 2020:  Get up “early” at 8:30 a.m. Anonymous call about noon. Do online work. Buy TYT Pride T-shirt. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. See “Winner.” Don’t go to liquor store at G.P. ’cause I was following other cute guy at Diamond & Bosworth. Then walk thru G.C.P. thinking about Rosa Parks dream of 1995 indicating an end to my “games” with John. As I’m think of this, passing hiker says: “A little bit of a mistake on our part.” (*Relates to “Message from God” on October 21?) Realized maybe I was wrong about things coming to an end with John. Maybe they never will. I don’t know that i’d even want J. at this point. Diary of August 3 was misleading. John did not come over and we did not have sex. I was just playing with him as he is one of the few people who reads this diary.) See hawk with two crows. Cute guy on #43. I could only see his eyes but they were very inviting.

October 22 dream:  Bunch of young guys and me at U.N. Plaza. Then I go with one to McD’s. Then another comes in. Very cute. My friend dry-humps him.

October 21, 2020:  Get up “early” at 9 a.m. Do online work. Take nap from 1:45 to 2:45. In ’til 3ish. Shits just before I leave. Walk down Ocean. Up W.P. to Ulloa. Translating the word “vanity.” Beautiful young black man sitting on curb on Sydney Way. We greet each other. Get “Message from God” brochure at M.S. Kaleb and Anthony at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Word tracking “vanity” leads to the word “vacant.”

October 21 dream:  Bernie gets COVID along with some others. Some die. All that was left of them was their heads. Bernie still had a body and one leg. He falls to the ground on his foot. I kiss him on the mouth. He’s kind of like: OK, now what do we do? Liz Andrews there at last moment saying she’ll be at S.F. Airport.

October 21 dream:  Staying in one room apartment in Tapas Alley in NYC. Running out of my father’s money.

October 21 dream:  Standing on the back of a truck watching some sort of video which seemed to respond to my hand gestures and voice. Almost fall off at the end. My father there?

October 20, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Ocean to Portola. Think of moving into 2175 Market when I win the lottery. Guy on bicycle smiles at me. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. Down Teresita to Safeway. Worried Israel would be there but he wasn’t. Gave Isaac one of Jun’s cards. He said he couldn’t talk ’cause he had just had his wisdom teeth out. Got blank phone message at 4:38 p.m. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Have shits again when I got home around 5ish.

October 20 dream:  “Nice” woman returns to office and seems to threaten me.

October 19, 2020:  Bruce calls twice. Also Sarah calls. Hang-up call at about 3:05 p.m. (*Relates to hawk and crow on Ulloa from hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Starbucks. Feel “shitty.” Walk home . . . fast. Almost don’t make it. Then go to McD’s. Then mail Publisher’s Clearing House return. All set to win!

October 19 dream:  My boss advises me to send someone one of my dreams. And put cottage cheese and blue cheese dressing on it.

October 19 dream:  Kids put on production of “If you go into the woods today.” I really loved that song as a kid. I tried to write a comment afterwards. Aggressive real estate lady swept me off my feet. We danced. I said: “Real estate is a lot like show business.” She agreed.

October 19 dream:  Go to downtown store selling spheres of treated water. I drink some. Later at party I start to get loose.

October 19 dream:  Out on pier or boat with friends. I say: “What’s up?” Friend doesn’t answer. I get panicky, like I don’t know what to do. Decide to go home. Big floating Rolls Royce car almost tips over. Water becomes rough. I am stranded.

October 18, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Guy at corner of Ulloa and West Portal. Up Ulloa. Hawk and crow over Ulloa. Then Izzy at Starbucks Portola. Cyclist after. Bruce K. calls. #43 home.

October 18 dream:  At home alone in Saratoga house. Police believe I’m a murder suspect so are probably on their way. Leigh Barbier involved somehow.

October 18 dream:  People debating politely with each other.

October 18 dream:  Someone steels $5 from us ’cause we didn’t shut down properly last night. I say to guy: “Oh, well, we’ll be in Miami tomorrow.”

October 17, 2020:  Get up at 7 a.m. Translation workshop at 9 a.m. Later took nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Follow cute Filipino guy to his car parked on Cotter. Then on to G.P. Lee at liquor store. He told me he followed S.F. Chronicle music critic Joshua Kosman. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear loud birds. Bruce K. calls. Then M.S. Meet Evan, the greeter, on my way out. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. About to go camping in Russian River for two days. #43 home. Listen to Jordan Peterson’s Biblical Series No. 15 on “Joseph and his Coat of Many Colors.” Peterson says something like we should not be the kind of person who would NEVER do such a thing. We should strive to become the kind of person who would do such a thing but chooses not to.

October 17 dream:  I need to take a bus and then be airlifted in for an interview.

October 17 dream:  All 17 of us checked out of our bodies and into one body and attended a post-war business meeting.

October 17 dream:  Couple move into rambling house in Nails.

October 16, 2020:  Bruce K. calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee not at liquor store. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. Bruce calls again with update. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. there. Toward end Joe C. mentions Barry Goldwater’s campaign video from ’64. I ask him about it. Hanz says it’ll be in the BB tomorrow. I laugh and look at Tom C’s reaction, look for Tom C’s approval. (*Relates to Tom C. dream of October 13?)

October 16 dream:  Reading something aloud at work which didn’t make any sense but I’m the best reader they have.

October 15, 2020:  Sarah calls in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee not there. Walk thru G.C.P. Translating a lot. Pretty much alone in G.C.P. Then Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Sat with 5 or 6 skateboarders in the back of the bus. One who I didn’t see ’til the last second told me “Have a good one” as he exited. Insight: Getting mad at Church Street guy from Tuesday. Originally I thought it was me getting mad at him for taking sex so casually and being willing to do it at the drop of a hat, so to speak. Realized I was really mad at him exposing me for that exact same thing: taking sex so casually and being willing to do it at the drop of a hat. (*Relates to first dream of October 12 and to “Game Changer” from October 13?)

October 15 dream:  Refer to myself as “the church” in letter. As in “The church does not wish to see you at this time.” Doing dishes: my dishes and Bill Fennie’s dishes. Some still greasy. Need more room for dried dishes.

October 15 dream:  Trump giving small talk at church event. I’m sitting in back next to Melissa. It’s hot.

October 15 dream:  Someone says I’m not up to the job of sleeping thru the night. “Sex man” poster on the wall.

October 14, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to 7-11. Then to W.P. Then up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb and Anthony at Starbucks. I ask Kaleb: “Why didn’t you turn your hair green [like Anthony]?” Kaleb laughed. Anthony didn’t. Down Teresita to Jun’s salon. See Pete on the way. Read magazines while waiting for haircut. See “Picture Perfect” and “Comfort.” Have fun time with Jun. He wants me to spread the word about his salon. I agree to take four of his cards and give them to people. I say I probably won’t be able to convince too many people. He says: “Nothing is impossible!” Then go to Safeway. Israel there. I give him one of Jun’s cards. Also my phone number. (*Relates to flying dream of October 12, I think.)

October 14 dream:  Guy on other side provides us information.

October 14 dream:  People (including me) spend the day working on projects for The Prosperos.

October 14, 2020:  Trying to get business card with our address on it so we can pass it out to people.

October 13, 2020:  In ’til 1ish. Go to Civic Center to cast my vote. Walk back up Market on the way to visit Israel at Safeway. Feel sudden catch in my throat. Admire young man’s butt at Castro & Church. Later I realize catch in my throat was for him, as he was hanging around waiting for me to make my next move. (*Relates to shits from hier?) Continue up Market to Teresita. See: “Eventually,” “Game Changer” and “Perfect.” Down Teresita to Jun’s on Monterey. He’s busy so I tell him I’ll stop by tomorrow. Go to Safeway. Israel not there. So I leave. Walk to Starbucks Ocean Avenue. Get matcha latte and walk to W.F. Stop and gawk at very hot customer with tattooed cashier. Talk with Sara briefly. Then talk with tattooed cashier. Very nice guy.

October 13 dream:  Sitting across from Tom C. at long table. He says: “I knew it was the right place for me.” I said: “How did you know it was the right place?” Tom said: “I said FOR ME.” I said: “How did you know it was the right place for you?” He pounded a nail into his forearm and pushed it out with great force. Turning red. Then amber. He was playing, but forcefully.

October 13 dream:  Visit Harriet & Obe in Palm Springs. They live across the street from a girlie joint. Harriet says: “They do the whirly-twirly thing.” I laugh.

October 12, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Then up Ulloa. Find map of London in free book kiosk. This is something I had been looking for, which told me that the Universe knows what we want and will provide in its own time. Anthony at Starbucks Portola. Cute skateboarder smiling seductively as I wait for #43 home. Shits on getting home.

October 12 dream:  Suspect providing description of “victim.” (h.o.)

October 12 dream:  Three of us, including big tall guy, in small cockpit of small plane flying high in the sky. Later, big guy (with big dog) finally gets laid.

October 11, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Shits on leaving. Walk to W.P. Feel “shitty” so take K back. Matcha latte at Starbucks Ocean Avenue. Shits on arriving home about 4:30 p.m.

October 11 dream:  Go out to dinner with man and woman I’d never met before in nice area of East Bay. They had never met either. At end, they were talking to each other and woman was saying: “I can’t deal with all these lies.” I say: “I’ve got to go.” I leave without paying. Trying to walk fast but can’t.

October 10, 2020:  Translation workshop in a.m. Suzanne is a nut job. Do website work. Take nap. Shits at 2ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee at liquor store. Walk from G.C.P. to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Israel there looking and being beautiful. He gives me special $5 University discount. (*Realized later that Israel relates to the hawk from hier. And the crows related to the bag boy, who was inexplicably cold and rude to me as I was trying to talk with Israel.) #43 home.

October 10 nap dream:  Nap dream: Big crowd in our front yard. I say: “I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many people in our front yard–except maybe yesterday.” I walk thru indoor area with lots of unique S.F. features. Think I would miss this if I moved away. Expect to run in to J. or someone today.

October 10 dream:  Mother takes son to fancy store and teachers him how to shop.

October 10 dream:  I looked good but had a penis-shaped growth on my face.

October 10 dream:  At table with black guy and woman.

October 9, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Get side-tracked by cute guy. Follow him. Then go to Urbano. Hawk circling. Then two crows flying after him. Hawk lands in tree. Crows fly away. I hear but cannot see hawk. Walk thru W.P. Cute guy in hoodie at Ulloa and W.P. Go to Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. there. Laid back meeting.

October 9 dream:  Peeing at urinal with J. He pees on me. Later I pee back and say, “I love you.” Then try to take it back. He says: “You shouldn’t be drinking at your age.” (h.o.)

October 9 dream:  [Forgotten dream]

October 8, 2020:  Mary L. calls me back in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Walk behind same guy from August 20 to Hong Kong resto. Then cruise two guys in line for 24 Hour Fitness. Then cute guy on Aptos loading his truck. I say: “Can I help you?” He says: “I think I’ve go it.” On to W.P. Then up Ulloa. Talk to skateboarder who tells me of skatepark where Castro meets SOMA. Realize later he may have been coming on to me. On to CVS Portola. Afraid to see Pat. So I go anyway. He greets me at the door. We talk for about 20 minutes. Turns out he went to CCSF broadcasting school as well. He shared his LinkedIn address with me. Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Skateboarder still skating. Head to W.F. Very hot guy with revealing shorts on. I wolf-whistle. Then follow him. Group of 4 or 5 cops at Unity Plaza. I continue following him up steps to CCSF. He really seemed to disappear. Brad Chapin liked my Facebook comment about Harry Britt: “I’ve never seen him look happier.” Also Terry Beswick.

October 8 dream:  I drive in front of car so it doesn’t drive off bridge. Later someone saves me.

October 8 dream:  Thane comes to town. I get excited the way father is interacting with his young kids. Thane smiles. Later when he’s speaking he is someone younger. Then he leaves. Rick Thomas trying to make ice cream cat but knocks it down. Cathy Koslover there.

October 8 dream:  After night of drinking, older gay guy and and woman spend night together. Older white man says to other man about me: “No matter what happens, he is the boss. He is the boss.”

October 7, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Stomach butterflies just before guy walking into Wells Fargo at Ocean and Mission. Go to G.P. Cruise guy on Circular Avenue who doesn’t like it. Then cruise guy in G.P. liquor store who doesn’t like it. On to G.C.P. Older woman passes by me walking on Poppy Lane. Young boy at G.C.P. points out gecko to his family. He says it’s venomous. I say: “I never knew that.” Guy at apex of G.C.P. saying: “Maybe I’m wrong.” Coyote image on exiting G.C.P. (*Relates to my posting the Sunday Night Translation Group even without the sense testimony or conclusions?) M.S. Asked greeter there if he found the owner of the wallet hier. He did. Kaleb and Anthony at Starbucks Portola. Guy on Frida Kahlo I walked back to encounter. Berniecrats in p.m. Meet Brad Chapin online. He’s very cute. Reaching into my fridge later, bang my thumb against shelf. It’s like something pushed me. I think somebody was upset that I was getting so excited about meeting Brad Chapin.

October 6, 2020:  Get call from guy with heavy Indian accent who says he’s calling from Foster City, CA. He asks if I have a girlfriend. I tell him I have a boyfriend. Then it get sexual. Him: “Would you like me to fuck you in the ass?” I say: “That sounds fun.” (*Relates to shits from hier about 4 p.m, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee’s mother there. Then G.C.P. Guy with red handkerchief on. I say: “Looks like you’re getting ready to rob the stagecoach.” He laughs. Go to M.S. Try to get attention of male bagger without success. Other guy runs after me thinking I had left my wallet. Turns out it was not mine. Monica and Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. Young skateboarder on #43 home. Dr. Lee from VA Urology in p.m.

October 6 dream:  At Menlo Park house. Guy planning a surprise for me. I go into my parent’s room. It’s all set up to show a flash photo of a mock ticket office. But the flash didn’t go off. I was heading to our (Tom and my) back bedroom. Before: tracking series of videos.

October 6 dream:  Father going down on his young son.

October 6 dream:  Stand in line to get paid by the city. Wrong line. Before: Beginning to look like John H. in the mirror. Later I see Nina Turner.

October 6 dream:  Guy without legs to stand on tries to convince me of something.

October 5, 2020:  Sarah calls in a.m. VA calls at 1 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk Ocean to 7-11. Deep smiles at me. Walk up alleyway to Portola. Feel sudden “shitty” feeling Don’t know what to do. Then connect with gardener. Walk on to Portola. “Shitty” feeling worsens. Decide to take K home. Take K to Ocean and Judah. Get matcha latte at Starbucks Ocean Avenue. Walk home hurriedly. Barely make it to toilet.

October 5 dream:  House for sale for $550,000. I try to buy it. Female lion sits down nearby. I’m told it’s okay.

October 5 dream:  I was supposed to be at something that started four hours ago. Trying to take bath. Nancy and Laurie already running water. Harriet remarking on something as well.

October 4, 2020:  Post “BB Episode #4: I hope he dies from COVID” on YT. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Lee at liquor store. Not particularly happy to see me. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. I think posting BB episode was, in effect, me standing up to my father. Katie Halper co-host did same thing on Twitter and was suspended for seven days. But I was afraid the secret service would come knocking on my door. That I would be imprisoned for threatening the president’s life, etc.

October 4 dream:  Heather and Zoe and I live on the same floor of apt. building. Other Prosperos live elsewhere in the building. Big event coming up.

October 3, 2020:  Translation group in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Guy in gray sweatpants and gray top standing seductively. I pause ’til he notices me admiring him. (*Relates to hawk from G.C.P. hier, I think.) Then G.C.P. Then greeter at M.S. Then Starbucks Portola. Then down Teresita to Safeway. Isaac there. Realize upstairs neighbor’s disturbance from last night might relate to my reluctance to do video: “I hope he dies of COVID.” Work on video in p.m. Also bake pumpkin pie.

October 2, 2020:  In ’til 2:45. Walk out. Feel “shitty.” Come back. Take shit. Leave again at 3ish. Walk to G.P. No Lee at liquor store. Cute construction worker on Diamond. Same as hier only without mask. I admired him. He smiled. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk at apex. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Think about Trump. Sad that he may die. Also glad. Think about my father. Wonder why he never apologized or even admitted what he did to me. Recall stone I found on April 29, 2020 saying: “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. there. Go up to Apt. 429 later after a lot of noise. Realize they had not moved out as I had thought.

October 2 dream:  Talk with my upstairs neighbor, I think. (h.o.)

October 1, 2020:  Bills. Monthly BB. 1 p.m. appointment with San Mateo Housing Authority. She gave me two more forms to fill out. In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. They’re closed due to bad air day. Walk to G.P. See “Perfection.” Then nice lady on path to Lyell Street. Lee at G.P. liquor store. We had brief conversation. Walk thru G.C.P. Then M.S. Walk to Starbucks Portola but it’s 6:01 and they close at 6 p.m. #43 home. Then go to McD’s. I order apple pie and have to wait about 10 minutes for it. I think: This is happening for a reason. Cute guy on elevator delivering food from Market & Valencia. Only place I can think of is “Proposition Chicken.”

October 1 dream:  In comparative religion class, only 15 minutes left. One teacher asks me to ask other teacher if he is going to talk about something. He is not pleased I am interrupting him.

October 1 dream:  Move décor from near my bed ’cause it had a spider web and spider on it. Bloody left leg. People in gas station across street jumping for joy.

September 30, 2020:  One more document for HMB apartment. Sarah calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. then G.C.P. Hear coyotes close by howling to passing sirens on Portola Drive. M.S. Anthony and Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. #43 home.

September 30 dream:  Thane presenting second day of live class in S.F. About 60 people show up. Someone suggests we search for the “otter” one.

September 30 dream:  Getting ready to do a mass mailing. Some of the addresses are pre-printed, but many are not.

September 29, 2020:  Get up early. Hand in signed lease at 9:30 a.m. Get final HMB docs scanned and emailed. Take nap. (*Kissing Sarah nap dream relates to HMB interview on October 1?) In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Feel “shitty.” Get matcha latte at Starbucks Ocean Avenue. Walk home. See beautiful man in muscle T-shirt on balcony of my building. He goes indoors. As I’m taking a second look, see hawk perched on building across the street. Crows dive bombing hawk. Hawk finally flies away. Get home. Take shit. Watch first presidential debate.

September 29 nap dream:  Sarah and I lying next to each other. She looks very pretty. It feels like we’re about to kiss. Then she moves. I say, “Are you leaving?” She says, “I’m working up my courage.” She kisses me.

September 29 dream:  Get up late. Am supposed to meet Laurie at 11:15 a.m. Go to shopping center resto. Lots of escalators. Lots of meat dishes.

September 29 dream:  Getting out of small plane. Lots of cute guys.

September 28, 2020:  Scan docs for HMB apartment. Rush back to take shits. Then decide to go to 850 Bryant to get Report of Non-Criminal Record. Feel good afterwards like I’m getting a diploma graduating from S.F. Walk to 24th Street. Old Cafe Bello locked up. #48 to Starbucks Portola. Two young guys onboard. Wait for #43 at Laguna Honda and Portola. Guy in truck honks at me. I take second look. He waves. I wave. Don’t know who he is. #43 to W.F. Sara & Isaiah at W.F. McD’s. Watch TYT. Cenk rants about Shahid Buttar. At end of rant, he said “to keep your eyes on the prize” which was the way I ended my post “SF Progressives cut off nose to spite face” which I also copied and pasted on TYT comment page. In last episode of 19-2, cop joins Pedophiles Anonymous group. Insight: My defense mechanism: Take all the blame. Father a pedophile? Take the blame.

September 28 dream:  Beth Kuper teams up with Steve Hines. Someone touches me in the butt while I’m sleeping. I struggle to awake.

September 28 dream:  All male household repaints lime green and white indoors. No females around.

September 27, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola to Starbucks. Cute baristo there. I tell him I like his haircut. It’s tinted with green and purple. He smiles (*Relates to shits at 4ish hier?) Walked down Teresita to Safeway. Israel there. I get in long line just to see him. He looks great. Just got a haircut. He was pleased to see me. Had large brownie in a.m. Regretted it rest of day.

September 27 dream:  Female house guest walks out of the house with my camera and something else. I follow after her with youngest cousins, one of whom is right at my side.

September 27 dream:  Cute young gay guy dances in middle of the room as his story is narrated. He’s got a great haircut.

September 26, 2020:  Translation workshop in a.m. 14 or so in attendance. Shits at 4ish. In ’til 4ish. Get application from Half Moon Bay apartment plus current location rent renewal on same day. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there. Very hot guy in black leaving M.S. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Walk home. Sign lease and fill out HMB forms.

September 26 dream:  To invest in underinvestment(?) requires money to deposit, time, so that’s why we are delaying a few days.

September 26 dream:  All set to move apartments. Have to set a date. Make sure water and electricity are all on.

September 25, 2020:  OSF website goes down about 10:30 a.m. Everything topsy-turvy just like my walk hier. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. See two “160” address numbers. 160 = 1 + 6 = 7. Realize Comet Kohoutak certainly related to my own inner cosmic change from March 1973 to December 1973. Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Then down Teresita to Safeway. Then #43 home. Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. there. At one point I get very excited about something but don’t remember what. Later chatted with Domantas in Lithuania about OSF website being down. He said my ”nameservers were not fully correct.” OSF back up at 7:30 p.m.

September 25 dream:  Flight crew (black men mostly) mad at me and I’m mad at them. We’re all saying “Fuck you“ to each others.

September 25 dream:  Rose placed in my shoe and buried in the ground in honor of Etta Thorpe.

September 24, 2020:  Decide not to pursue 1550 Mission BMR. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Waylaid by cute guy walking thru CCSF. I followed him ’til he climbed over the Ram football field fence. (*Relates to near hawk from hier?) Continue to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Then G.C.P. All ready to go to M.S., Starbucks and #43 bus home but lost my mask so had to retrace my steps to G.P. Angry black man on way. Buy new mask at G.P. Matcha latte at Canyon Market. Then #43 and #49 home. Cute guy on #49.

September 24 dream:  Of 435 members of Congress, we have contacted all but 3. One is sick and the other two haven’t yet agreed to the $90,000 buyout.

September 24 dream:  Living in top bunk. Nancy O. on the floor level bunk. It’s a mess. I accidentally drink from a broken glass.

September 23, 2020:  9 a.m. Translation workshop. Heather, me, Sarah, Clint and wife, Bulent and Alp, his son (from Turkey). Alp makes special point of saying hello to me. I am verklempt. In ’til 3ish. Stiver on way out the door. Cute “Deep” at 7-11. W.P. Walk up Ulloa. Distant hawk over Edgehill Mountain. Kaleb plus hot co-baristo at Starbucks Portola. While talking with Kaleb, co-baristo gives me the eye. Walk down Teresita to Foerster. Very large hawk overhead on Foerster, but only noticed him at the last minute. I turn back to Teresita. Then see cute guy in taco truck, the same guy who smiled at me hier. Walk to Safeway. No RW&B potato salad (day 6). Walk back to taco truck. Order two fish tacos which I took home. They weren’t very good. Get BMR approval for 1550 Mission Not sure I want it.

September 23 dream:  Sitting in a bathtub in a row of bathtubs. Woman next to me has the hots for me. Older woman with lots of makeup comes in and sits next to me and kisses me on the mouth and says, “How are you?” I say, “Who are you?” She says, “Really? Of all people.”

September 22, 2020:  Email more docs for BMR approval. Feel good about my financial situation. In ’til 3ish. Inspiration to write BB blog: “Virgin Birth.” 5th day without “Red, White & Blue” potato salad at Safeway. Later realize the “red” was probably bacon. Hot guy brushing his teeth next to mobile taco stand. I see him from behind and when I walk in front, he smiles at me. Walk up Teresita to M.S. Portola. Then Starbucks Portola. Then #43 to Plymouth. Buy Chron and go to McD’s. Clock falls off wall at 5:25 p.m. or so. Insight: My kick in the balls on June 14, 2020 was not just Richard but the whole Sunday Night Translation Group that seems to be using Translation as a cover-up for racism. Was my father racist, too, in addition to being a pedophile? Talk about a kick in the balls. From my.clevelandclinic.org: “Hydroceles occur in only about 1% of adult men, and will often disappear on their own within the first 6 months.”

September 22 dream:  King can bring people back alive by transferring their heads onto a new body. King himself gets killed but declines to get a new body.

September 21, 2020:  Tough night last night. Withdraw from Comparative Religion class in a.m. Sarah calls. I was on the phone as her son got news of a financial windfall. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Cute non-responsive baristo named Anthony. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. In line for Homer, other cashier takes my item and invites me to her checkout line. #43 home. Stop by Beep’s. Adoré there. He has moved back to S.F. (from Stockton). Said his ex-girlfriend’s parents called him at 7 a.m. to blame him for his ex-roommate breaking up with his ex-girlfriend. I order small swirl cone. He gave me large one.

September 21 dream:  Am building a boat with Leigh and a few others. I came late to the project. Leigh was skeptical at first.

September 21 dream:  Second company outing. This time more relaxed. Someone asked me to do a financial report since I was one of the people taking donations. I said: “I’m not the only person who’s going to write that report.”

September 20, 2020: Sarah calls about 3 p.m. Then I leave for walk down Ocean Avenue to W.P. Sexually interesting, possibly homeless guy on Ulloa. (*Relates to hawk/crow from Mission hier, I think.) Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Down Teresita to Safeway. No “Red White & Blue” potato salad for 3rd day in a row. Realize on walk that when Sarah told me, “Well, Melissa thinks what she thinks,” that she was wrong. I write email to Sarah saying, in effect, “No, she doesn’t. She thinks what Fox News tells to her to think. And that’s the problem.” Realize Stiver from a few days ago may have been coming on to me.

September 20 dream:  Cenk and Ana yelling at me for criticizing Ana in French. (*Relates to last night’s Translation Group sense testimony: “Lack of listening and understanding may cause disruption of team synchrony and harmony”?)

September 20 dream:  Counting out $148.

September 19, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Hawk/crow near Mission. See Lee at G.P. liquor store. He seemed happy to see me. Hike thru G.C.P. Hawk there at apex? Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. Walk down Teresita. Very hot guy talking on phone who I just missed. Later runner who I didn’t miss. Isaac at Safeway. Still no Red, White & Blue Potato Salad. Insight: Did my sexual abuse with my father happen in Kamakura first? And my discomfort at wearing my clothes inside-out on crossing the international dateline on the way back? (*Relates to my Kamakura dream of September 18?) Explains me getting all sweaty on reading Richard’s email reply to me? By quitting the Sunday Night Translation Group, I thought I was standing up to Melissa. But I think I was really standing up to Richard (my “father”). Richard kicked me in the balls on June 14, 2020. Urology Dept. now wants to get in touch me, after having told me I’d have to wait for 3 months for an appointment.

September 19 dream:  Hard-on dream about my big right testicle.

September 19 dream:  Packing up and getting ready to leave motel for next place. I tell girl, “Now is not a good time to piss me off.”

September 19 dream:  Jazz musician in our home.

September 19 dream:  Big wedding. Lots of immigrants. Many women in white heading back because “We’re not good enough.” Women in blue from Germany harassing them? I arrive at sanctuary. Two black guys there. We wait for the throngs.

September 18, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then C.B. at G.P. Then walk up Monterey to Safeway. See Jun at work with door open and windows unblocked. Israel at Safeway looking very beautiful. He says: “I remember you.” Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. not there. We talk ’til almost 7 p.m. Hanz brings up Carl Payne Tobey’s equal house astrology system. Someone else brings up Dane Rudhyar’s Astrology of America’s Destiny. I thank Rick for sending us all Thane’s Leap Into Sanity lesson via email. Then thank Janet. Hanz says to me:  “… and Suzanne.” (*Relates to dream of September 17, I think.) Watch two different movies in p.m. One talks about the name Gunnar meaning “bold warrior” and another talks about the name Gideon meaning “great warrior.”

September 18 dream:  Taking off work early on Friday and driving to Kamakura, Japan, with two others. They were leaving. I still had to ask for permission to leave. Man had on leather coat like my father’s. Man asks me to quit fighting outside his door. I say: “Okay.” Someone else calls off old, tired dog.

September 18 dream:  See long boa constrictor on the road. I turn back. Other small animal not so quick.

September 18 dream:  Aftermath of a party. Some Chinese food from 1946 and 1992 unwrapped but looked delicious and was, according to one person. We decided to save it and wrap it for later.

September 18 dream:  Looking for a new car. Put myself on a waiting list for Triumph car substitute. They usually run out in a week. Funny, handsome English character, doing a bit.

September 17, 2020:  Comparative Religion quiz. Hier’s 3:30 shits relate to posting of “The 4th Date” on the BB? In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. Lee not there. Then on to G.C.P and Starbucks Portola. Cute construction guy outside who seemed to enjoy my attention. #43 home. Sit across from cute, classy guy who gets off at my stop. McD’s and home. Insight: Pelvic pain due to things going well? Guy talking loudly outside my apt. at 12:30 a.m. (*Relates to email from Richard B. later that evening?)

September 17 dream:  I’m trying to buy a meat dinner for our group. Nancy O. buys me a leg of meat on rice and gives it to me.

September 16, 2020:  9 a.m. Translation workshop with Heather and Sarah. In ’til 3ish. Left home. Talked with Stiver at W.F. Felt “shitty.” Came home. Took shits at 3:30ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then G.P. See hawk on Arbor Street. Then later at apex of G.C.P. Cruise guy on bike at Portola and O’Shaughnessy. Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Stiver again at W.F. Also Isaiah and Sara.

September 16 dream:  Taking toothpicks out of guy in bikini to strip him naked before others do theirs. We get him naked. So I’m not sure how we make more people(?) Bill Floyd there.

September 15, 2020:  Wilson Fong in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Lots of calls. Walk down Ocean to W.P. J-like guy on W.P. bench, only homeless, younger, smoking cigarette. Weather a little clearer. Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Comparative Religion homework.

September 15 dream:  Clown (devil) in training.

September 15 dream:  S.F. fair with some really beautiful men, but not much happiness.

September 14, 2020:  Comparative Religion class at 9 a.m. Write “Right-wing Prosperos” blog for BB and email Translation group that I am quitting them. Talk with Sarah on phone. In ’til 4ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Hazy day. See dead raccoon on Ocean. (*Relates to Mellissa, I think.) Walk to W.P. Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Realize extra phlegm in my throat is probably related to bad air and wearing a mask. Insight: Realize reason I left London so quickly back in 2015 (even paying 200 pounds to leave two hours early) was because I had done what I was meant to do there. That I had met the young man in Hyde Park that I was meant to meet and that there was nothing more for me to do there. It had nothing to do with London.

September 14 dream:  Trying to move hospital bed.

September 14 dream:  Trying to run off 100 flyers for mailing out.

September 14 dream:  Waiting by a freeway offramp for Jerry. Say goodbye to Marie who drove us there.

September 13, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. Different “Deep” than I remembered at 7-11. Go to W.P. Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Go to Beep’s. No Adoré. Then see Stiver lookalike. As I approach him, other beautiful man walks by and smiles. It wasn’t Stiver. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People being disconnected can result in inflammatory words and actions. My conclusion: Truth, one Individual in touch with everything, speaks for Itself, acts for Itself, is all that can be provoked (called forth) in flagrant disregard for that which is not so. We had another fight about Melissa’s “sense testimony” which was just a regurgitation of a Fox News story about protestors who killed two police officers without any backstory about what the protestors were protesting. After a restless night, I decide to quit group.

September 12, 2020:  Translation workshop in a.m. Very confusing presentation. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. They’re closed due to bad air day. Walk to G.P. See my Korean friend at liquor store. He looks really good. I ask his name. It’s Lee. See “John” etched in sidewalk. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. See cute guy on Gennessee. Get off bus. Go to Safeway. Homer, Isaac and third cute guy whose name I don’t know. Latter was nice to me for the first time. After, stop by Jun’s to let him know barbers can cut hair indoors starting Monday. He already knew. #43 home. See very interesting Chomsky YouTube in p.m.

September 12 dream:  Having secret sexual relationship with person which I try to force out into the open.

September 12 dream:  Type special memo to get an hour off work after lunch to get something needed. Then forget to go.

September 11, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Talk with Stiver again outside W.F. Walk to W.P. Then up Ulloa to CVS Portola. See Pat for first time in a while. He’s looking buffer and buffer. He wants to know what I’ve learned from the book he recommended and I bought: Your Perfect Right. Rush to #43 home. Get off half way home. Rush to eat before Prosperos Round Table. Tom C. there. At one point woman who is not at all shy says, “I was finished so I muted myself.” So I joked, “And that’s rare.” She joked that now I was in the doghouse, but I felt like I was floating on top of myself. Later realized this was all meant for Tom. (*Relates to hard-on dream from September 9 and “Get the expected unexpectedly” from hier, I think.)

September 11 dream:  We have to pack up and leave in a real hurry. Afraid I’ll have to just leave some things behind. My heart is racing.

September 11 dream:  Trying to put my shirts in correct numerical order. My father? Somebody giving me a hard time ’cause I’m drinking my “last” Coke.

September 11 dream:  “Eating” French toast made by some black friends. It’s great. Looking for more syrup.

September 11, dream:  Trying to find a place to shit at a crowded men’s conference. Somebody had signed us up for about $250,000 in expenses.

September 10, 2020:  Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Meet Stiver from Albania in front of W.F. Walk down Ocean. Guy at Walgreen’s. Walk Portola to Starbucks. Then #43 home. Shits when I get home about 5:30 p.m. Hear: “Get the expected unexpectedly.” Watch Alan Turing movie in p.m. Makes me cry.

September 10 dream:  Tom C. joins group. He changes dynamic completely.

September 10 dream:  My new female boss asks me if I’ve learned how to play the piano yet. I say: “No.” Her friend jokes about her bringing “Bob” to an event. I agree it was a bad idea.

September 9, 2020: Comparative religion class at 9:10 a.m. Later, in the shower, I think of time I kissed John back in ’87. Get one ring phone call which thrills me. Reddish pink overcast day. Feels very weird. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Cute red-headed guy at Eezy-Freezy. I say: “I like your hair.” He says: “Thanks.” Walk up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Good-looking baristo there who avoids my glances. #43 home. Berniecrat group in p.m. Ben explodes over mention of Shahid. Call Steve H. after.

September 9 dream:  Hard-on dream.

September 9 dream:  Watching homeless guy on Market watch the money in a hat. Then he takes the money. Then he drops it. Comes back and picks it up. I feel obligated for some reason to stay. Tom C. drops by. Asks if there’s a party. I say: “Yes,” quietly so homeless guy doesn’t hear. He says: “Where?” I point towards the Castro. He says: “When?” I say: “7 p.m.” He says: “It’s 7 p.m. now. Let’s go.” I say: “Okay.” We walk together to line in back of room. He’s being very nice to me. The party’s at Calvin’s on Parnassus and Castro. There’s an after-party at Wallace’s.

September 9 dream:  Get job swimming in the afternoon. Also in women’s underwear dept. They show me terry cloth sample. I say: “Isn’t that to thick?” They say they’ll fix it.

September 8, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Walk to G.P. Buy Chron from rack instead of going to my Korean friend’s liquor store. Accidentally rip jacket in the next block. Walk thru G.C.P. to Starbucks Portola. Woman barista there still hot for me. Down Teresita to Monterey. Talk with Jun at his salon. He says he’ll call later in p.m. for mirror I offered him so he could cut hair outside. Meet Isaac at Safeway. Talk with Homer.

September 8 dream:  Woman trying to take over the milk company. They even took out all the animals. Phil D. thinks pan of bread belongs back in the oven but it’s tied to something and won’t reach.

September 8 dream:  We’re already working on the next assignments whether on politics or biology. Out by the Golden Gate.

September 7, 2020:  New neighbors move in upstairs last night. BB and OSF websites down all day from 10:30 a.m. to 11:30 p.m. Inspired me to clean my bathroom. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to W.P. Find credit card on sidewalk. (Later put in mailbox.) Starbucks Portola. Down Teresita. Long-haired short guy walking slowly up as I walk down. We wave to each other. Could have done more, I think.

September 6, 2020:  Write blog: “Op-Ed: Progressive groups cut off nose to spite face.” In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola. Deep at 7-11 smiles at me. (*See diary of September 2.) Walk up Portola to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there. Then walk down Teresita. Run into Pete. (*See diary of August 9.) Then on to Safeway. Israel there, looking quite beautiful. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Unconscious influences are causing heated irritability and poor leadership. My conclusion: Truth, being the cause/effect of all that is, is all that leads and all that follows, is consciousness always excited, always aroused, always in motion, is of boundless value.

September 6 dream:  Thane about to die. Someone asks me what I thought of Unity. I say: “Not much other than what it did for Thane.” Later run into William Fennie with a white rose for his girlfriend.

September 6 dream:  Run into Chris Hinrichs and others at coffee shop in L.A. or S.F.

September 5, 2020:  Jerk off. Anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola. See local politico Alan Wong and friend on Ocean. The friend likes my TYT T-shirt. Later on Ocean, car runs red light as I’m about to cross street. Starbucks Portola. Mt.D. Then home. Strange (but cute) black guy on entering back gate home. 80 degrees and smokey when I open my balcony door at 1 a.m.

September 5 dream:  Elderly Jewish residents coming into building. Perhaps Holocaust survivors.

September 5 dream:  S.F. just finished big nude parade. I’m with Aunt Joanne and others. Trying to figure out gift for woman friend of Joanne’s. Scarf seems to be best idea.

September 5 dream:  Dreaming of Chicago.

September 4, 2020:  3 or 4 false alarms in the a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Portola to M.S. Beautiful long-haired runner at Laguna Honda Boulevard. Shop at M.S. Then Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. Then Prosperos Round Table at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. not there.

September 4 dream:  Photocopying a thick legal-sized document. Trouble getting it all the way thru. (h.o.)

September 4 dream:  Driving slowly thru a tough part of l.A.

September 4 dream:  Making watery omelet.

September 4 dream:  Guy buying pole Tom O. gave to me. I give him key.

September 3, 2020:  Online work. Jerk off. Get anonymous call. (*Relates to first dream of September 2?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then to G.P. Then thru G.C.P. Trip at apex. Then Starbucks Portola. Then #43 home. Female bus driver attracted to me. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) Richard Branam calls in p.m.

September 3 dream:  Tried to block every output for five or six days into a cube. It wouldn’t fit.

September 3 dream:  Ate dusty little popper which tingled the top of my mouth. Supposed to shake them first. They were pretty dusty.

September 2, 2020:  Two or more calls in a.m. (*Relates to last dream of September 1?) Comparative Religion quiz in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean. 7-11 guy offers me help putting my DVD into the bag he provided. Go to W.P. Then up Ulloa to Mt.D. As I descend, I’m Translating something and coming up with conclusion that Truth is boundless pleasurable comfort. Then I came face-to-face with shirtless, well-built guy in a small patch of green I am speechless. I stare at him. He says: “Hi.” I say: “Getting a sun . . . ?” “Sun bathing,” he says. He’s getting up and going to his car. I continue on. Then switch back. See him put on his shirt, get in his car and out of it and back in it again. Walk down Faxon. See “Arms Wide. Take off in a plane.” Pick up my shoes. Then Targét guy again. Woman on Ocean checks me out. Hawk over Avalon Apartments.

September 2 dream:  John F’s dog and other dog lying down next to each other. Finally at peace. (h.o.)

September 2 dream:  My professor gives me details of my assignment. He’s very moved.

September 2 dream:  Go to inspect some of Trump’s properties with him.

September 1, 2020:  Apartment application from seven years ago emails me today saying there may be an opening soon. Wrote “On Consciousness” blog for BB. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean, looking for Tilex to clean my shower. Nobody has it. Beautiful tall, dark and handsome, broad-shouldered security guard at Targét helps me out. Go to W.P. See “Etched in Stone.” (Don’t know whether this relates to my new apartment or to something else). Stop at Eezy-Freezy. Then up Ulloa to Portola. #43 home. Seductive, very young gay man in front of Riordan High School. I get off bus early to run into him. Follow him down Ocean Avenue. Finally talk to him outside BofA ATM. Later he gets inside ATM kiosk and talks on his cellphone. Got “perfect” when I get home. Insight: “Soma” as Hindu god, term for the body, Indian drink and drug used in Brave New World to make everybody happy.

September 1 dream:  Rushing from house to house on my bike. Trying to beat the time limit. I was low on the political totem pole so people didn’t know my name.

September 1 dream:  About to slide into massive construction hole. I ask guy for help. He says: “If you fall in, somebody else will replace you.”

August 31, 2020:  Comparative Religion class at 9 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Sole guy on top. He was very friendly. He said the weather would be better next week. Then on to CVS. Starbucks Portola. #43 home.

August 31 dream:  Some slick business guys are trying to take over our publishing company.

August 31 dream:  Biden about to debate.

August 30, 2020:  People’s Convention online from 1 p.m. onwards. In ’til 3ish. Cute Asian guy in lobby. (Same guy as on August 20, I think.) He was carrying a bag trying to get into the building. I said: “Is that for me?” He mumbled something. Walk to G.P. Talk with my handsome Korean friend at liquor store about getting the Korea Times online. Walk thru G.C.P. Wondering about the coyotes. Then I run into Janet, the Coyote Lady. See Kaleb at Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People can be lied to and misled by deceitful power brokers. My conclusion: Person is Consciousness Being, the True Personhood, the Real deal; It is the sole Speaker and all that is every spoken, all that is ever heard, guiding Itself in ever-harmoniously Truthful movement, always obeying Itself, always in step/cadence with Itself.

August 30 dream:  Thane: “Bill Noey, you know him, right?” Me: “I don’t remember.” Thane: “He opened up a Safeway a minute too late.” Black guy there as well.

August 30 dream:  I’m supposed to bring a turkey back from Santa Cruz. Bruce King there. Turkey is a polite kind English woman who I was very gentle with but who I wanted to hit.

August 29, 2020:  I present online Translation workshop at 9 a.m. About 12 attended. My PowerPoint was well-received, I think. (*Relates to first dream of August 28?) Did online work. Tried to take nap but wasn’t really tired. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Then to G.P. liquor store. My handsome Korean friend who writes music reviews for the Korea Times is there. Then matcha latte from C.B. at G.P. Then walk thru G.C.P. for 2nd day in a row. Hear hawk screaming again. Louder and closer than hier. Walk to Portola, then down Teresita to Safeway. Then #43 home.

August 29 dream:  The rise and demise of a great titan.

August 29 dream:  At new job in building with stage where I was part of some play in an old cockroach-infested theater. The floor had been painted red and looked like bricks. I had barely anything on. Liz Andrews said we should take care of Liz Warren’s ship. Guy walking with me suddenly grabbed my hand and said it was his “shit” that people were talking about.

August 29 dream:  We all get new computers and printers. I’m struggling to get on the back of the truck to retrieve mine. There are only two left. I think the other one belongs to my boss.

August 28, 2020:  Shahid Buttar calls. We talk for 20 minutes or so. He wants my financial support. I also gave him some campaign advice. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library. Pick up new DVDs in a nice little bag! Walk to C.B. at G.P. Then walk thru G.C.P. Hear hawk. #43 home. Prosperos group at 5:30 p.m. Usual suspects. At end Tom C. says goodbye to many individually, intentionally excluding me. I think he was putting on a show. So I hung up on him. (*Relates to 2nd dream of August 25, I think. Also to “expect the unexpected” from hier. I had expected that that dream would relate to J.) Whenever I am around Tom C. there is–maybe not sexual tension–but something. It’s uncomfortable yet exciting. Perhaps it could be called “spiritual tension” or perhaps “SupraSexual tension.”

August 28 dream:  At long table, someone says I will watch anything. I agree. (h.o.)

August 28 dream:  Repairs being made to Folsom Street.

August 28 dream:  Rush home ’cause I forgot to lock my door. Go to my old apt. Someone I know has moved in. Woman on the way warned me something bad had happened.

August 27, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola. Guy at 7-11 calls me “my friend.” I come unglued. Walk thru W.P. to Mt.D. Funny guy with beekeeper hat walking on top. Piano guy on Los Palmos has another beautiful man in the background. This time a young Latino man in what looked like long underwear. Was going to go to Beep’s but went to Pakwan resto instead. Cute Pakistani there. Was going to take photo of cool yellow car but got intimidated by the thought he might not like it. RNC #4.

August 27 dream:  Phil Diers taking over the pool for the next year.

August 27 dream:  Meet two of Calvin’s friends, Robin and Paul(?), who I really like. Robin becomes naked. Calvin and other friends arrive. I get in fight with Calvin. He shows me his knife.

August 26, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. It’s so cold and windy outside I don’t continue on to Mt.D. #43 home. Take quiz for online Comparative Religion class. RNC night #3 with David Doel on YouTube.

August 26 dream:  In bed, trying to get to sleep. Cat keeps poking me or getting on top of me. Later, at work, I try to notice if anyone has my 826 prefix phone number. I can’t remember the whole number.

August 26 dream:  Realize J. is not going to be my boyfriend. See him in the Castro followed by my next boyfriend, I hope. I have chalk on my face as No. 2 boyfriend looks in on us. Then taking train back into the Castro.

August 26 dream:  Schedule of events starting August 22, and then every two days.

August 26 dream:  Walk into cafe. Latest girl J. has slept with is playfully spraying him with a water hose. I go upstairs. Some of J’s slimy friends up there.

August 25, 2020:  Get up at 6 a.m. for VA appointment. Got there and it had been cancelled, apparently by me. Woman said that she talked to me hier and that I said I couldn’t come in ’cause I had a rash. (*See dream of August 27.) Go to La Promenade cafe. Barista there seems to like me. Then #38 and #29 home. Bagger at W.F. Online work. Reply to Brandon H. email about Berniecrats rescinding our endorsement for Shahid B. even though we voted not to rescind. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. and home. Talk to piano guy on Los Palmos. See his beautiful son in the background briefly. Feel shits coming on. Flock of seagulls escorting me for about half a block at CCSF parking lot. Shits when I get home.

August 25 dream:  Weasel-like animal pushes beyond its doorway. We put up new screen. Then it morphs into a barely visible stream of energy. We put Native American flowers, etc., on it so it would show up. Someone says we have made great progress just noticing it.

August 25 dream:  Undergoing a planetary crisis. The earth will change its shape, at least temporarily, due to the pull of this other planet. Woman CEO takes us to her apt. to explain. She shows us her underwear as part of the explanation. We don’t know what to expect.

August 25 dream:  At creative weekend, we took train to get there. Finally program starts. Everyone gathers in groups. No masks. Carol Carter there with bad cold. She doesn’t believe in COVID but it’s good to see her. I was thinking of leaving ’til Carol got there.

August 25 dream:  Visiting Paris with group. Don’t like it much. Tour bus guide takes us on very steep road to high place and parks us in the ocean water with other cars. He jokes about my “plague” T-shirt.

August 24, 2020:  9 a.m. class in Comparative Religion. Took about 15 minutes to get online. Beautiful man named Ian. Online work. Nap. In ’til 3:45 ish. Walk down Ocean to Portola to Starbucks. Then Mt.D. Then home. RNC #1. Thank god for TYT!

August 24 dream:  Thane says: “I want some blueberries(?) in my bag tomorrow when I leave at 6 a.m.” I have a small rash on my finger. (*Relates to going to VA on August 25. They said they had talked to me hier and that I had cancelled the appointment because I had a rash. I didn’t talk to anybody at the VA hier.)

August 23, 2020:  Suzanne D. email complimenting me on being the epitome of what a mentor should be. That kind of unnerved me. Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk up to Mt.D. Piano from Los Palmos no longer there. Forgot my camera. Walk to Mt.D. and turn back to go to Safeway. Talked with Homer, a new cashier. He told me he was from Laredo, TX. I told him that I spent some time in Nuevo Laredo. He said: “What brought you there? Was it a job?” I said: “Drinking.” He liked that response. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Care providers may defraud and harm those In their care for status or personal gain. My conclusion: Truth, the real deal, lives happily and independently on its own, without apology, the only Person, the only standing, the only beneficiary in the Universe.

August 23 dream:  Dream about counting votes. (h.o.)

August 23 dream:  Visiting hippie couple in S.F. We were going somewhere, all on horses, standing on the saddle. I didn’t know how I was doing it so I hoped we’d finish soon. I wanted to check to see if my car was sparked somewhere where I wouldn’t get fined. I knew it was on Cortland and something in the Civic Center area.

August 22, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola. Then Mt.D. Then Target for some socks and a matcha latte. Then K home. Stop at Beep’s, but Adorê doesn’t seem to be there.

August 22 dream:  I run “like a gazelle” to catch the elevator. J. is with me. There’s another young man on the elevator with us. It’s cold outside so J. and we stand close to each other. We hold hands and our arms touch. He’s hot. I say: “You’re hot. Am I hot?”

August 22 dream:  Author(?) and gay(?) man looking to get together.

August 22 dream:  I belong to house of Berniecrats. They are interviewing for new members. I go to wrong home at first. Then wait on couch with other visitors while the interviews are taking place. I wonder if I’ll ever have a better financial situation.

August 22 dream:  Missed Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. Run into Billye Talmadge and friend in their car. Guy sleeping in shower room. I ask him how he stays so thin. He says he tries not to eat too much.

August 21, 2020:  Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk Plymouth to Monterey to Starbucks Portola. Kaleb there. Walk to Mt.D. and home. Prosperos group at 5:30 p.m. Tom C. there. He disagreed with something I said. Then had a coughing fit.

August 21 dream:  Someone invites us all down to Santa Cruz, Mexico. I’m not interested. I throw out some Bernie receipts.

August 21 dream:  At work went next door to see conservative artist in his shop. He draws from photographs. Then female workmate joined me. Suddenly she was turning red and touching his hands. Went back to work. I thought I’d be in trouble for being late, but I was very happy. Receipts on my desk welcoming me back anytime.

August 21 dream:  Found an area of S.F. I want to move to if I can ever get enough money. Jump down wall with other guy. We seem to slow in mid-air.

August 20, 2020:  Get up early. Do online work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Cute Asian guy in muscle shirt on elevator. I said: “Hi.” He didn’t say anything. Later in mailroom as I’m leaving and he’s picking up his to-go bag, I say: “Dinner time?” He mumbles something. Walk down Ocean to Portola to Mt.D. See “Perfection” at CopyEdge, I think. #43 home Get off with other cute Asian guy. Follow him down Ocean Avenue to Chinese resto. He was getting chicken legs. I said: “Are they good?” He said they were kind of crunchy. I tried to order curry. He said: “They don’t have curry. It’s a Hong Kong resto.” He recommended another place on Ocean which I took as my opportunity to leave. DNC night #4 in p.m.

August 20 nap dream:  About to have pool party at Saratoga house. Run up to my father for permission. Then I think I: “What am I doing?” Turn back. Head to pool with my shorts on. Some dogs fighting each other. Wonder why I’m not more afraid of them.

August 20 dream:  Someone took down cartoon I posted. I put it all and others back up.

August 20 dream:  Made some watery scrambled eggs for Jeff B. and Nancy O. They were cooking something else. So I ate them (the scrambled eggs).

August 19, 2020:  Wrote “On love and marriage” blog for BB in a.m. Got anonymous call almost immediately after posting it. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mollie Stones via Portola. Give $1 to my homeless friend. M.S. Kaleb at Starbucks. See hawk on way to bus stop? Discover Saagar video on YT about how Obama really didn’t want Biden to win the nomination. #43 home. Smoky day from fires in North Bay. Take photo of gray-bearded man. He says: “That’s all I have.” I say: “Well, that’s something.”

August 19 dream:  Remembering my poem “When Nannie’s here” made me feel better.

August 18, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola. Felt desire to take a different route. Ran into guy on bike at Laguna Honda and Portola. He was very happy. He seemed to be radiating joy. I thought he was talking with someone on the phone. Maybe he was. #43 got in my way. I crossed street. We exchanged looks. Then we exchanged looks again as he rode onto Portola. On to Mt.D. Then #43. Then home. DNC night #2.

August 18 dream:  Wet my pants. Woman gives me new pair. They fit well but are holey. Talk to young guys with braces who are in school rock band.

August 17, 2020:  Comparative Religion class in a.m. About 25 or so online on Zoom. Should be fun class. Fell in love with guy named Dimitri. Walk to Mt.D. via Portola. Dog barking at me and rushing towards me on Mt.D. (*Relates to my comments hier about J. living with sugar daddies, I think.) #43 home. DNC convention in p.m. Insight: Writing something down mid-walk, notice that I feared that somebody (my father?) will notice that I have a mind of my own.

August 17 dream:  We were working in various places. I was supposed to go to Wyoming. It was considered a foreign country.

August 17 dream:  Try to help Helen Sandoz with her back pain. She has back muscle sticking outside her body.

August 17 dream:  Nancy O. gets in argument with me. Wants to do something. Later I stay on for dinner. With me a family of kids. Am in line for big slice of ham. Then transfer will be shaping up.

August 16, 2020:  Sunday Meeting with Ben Gilberti in a.m. About 28 people attended on Zoom. Very well received. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Friendly guy on Ocean near Aptos. Buy paper in W.P. I say: “Is it complete?” Guy says: “It’s got the pink section. That’s what you guys always ask for.” Us guys? Shirtless guy on Del Sur Avenue. Then Mt.D. Hear guy talking on Bella Vista near where I had seen cute guy on July 24. Got closer and noticed guy talking was older white guy. He ignored me. I think he was the sugar daddy of the beautiful guy who smiled at me on July 24. I think J. used to have a sugar daddy or two. One on Chenery and one on 18th Street, I believe. Walk home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People work against themselves and others due to ignorance and fear. My conclusion: All being, human and otherwise, works together harmoniously, because there is nothing to fear/revere and there is no limit to knowing/consciousness.

August 16 dream:  Famous young actor/star plus 3 girls who transfer with him on the Muni underground. (h.o.)

August 16 dream:  Two guys arguing over political debate.

August 16 dream:  Taking out the garbage. Third load. Have to ride my bike to place called Cora’s. Garbage had all kinds of nasty stuff: shit, a human head, etc.

August 15, 2020:  Translation workshop at 9 a.m. Great to see Jonathan Flynn again. He looks wonderful. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola. Older Asian guy on Ocean checks me out. Then Mt.D. Then down to Safeway. Then #43 home. I hurt my knee (again) getting on bus. Kick door open on exiting with my 4 bags of groceries. Wonder if J. would still love me if he saw get so angry. Guy at Unity Plaza smiles at me.

August 15 dream:  Working at resto with 29 or 30 tables. (h.o.)

August 14, 2020:  Shits at about 2:30 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Then Mt.D. Snake on Mt.D. Then home. Internet goes down around 5 p.m. Prosperos group (13 or so) on Zoom at 5:30 p.m. Unidentified caller on iPhone (*Relates to snake in the grass on Mt.D. earlier?) First sunny, warm day in a long time.

August 14 dream:  Trying to get my diary in on time.

August 14 dream:  Trying to get in touch with my old boss at work, Jeannie Maher. Have to use payphone. Need to press “surprise” and another button before I start dialing. Lots of kids around. There will be a company football game later. Sideways elevators with somebody I liked.

August 13, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. Then Justin at Peets W.P. He’s not very responsive to me, but female barista is. Walk to Mt.D. Cute guy in funny hat. I follow him downhill. See him sitting in his car. I continue to top and return home. Older gay man on top smiles at me. Post on OSF: “What would you say if you had 60 seconds to speak at the Democratic National Convention?”

August 13 dream:  Anchored out in a boat outside the Golden Gate. Big woman is telling me she has a new boyfriend who is “bigger than a house.” And he’s going to take her flying. I also have a boyfriend who will be taking me flying in a real plane, not a glider. Some Chinese junks nearby.

August 12, 2020:  Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Pass runner in tight shorts and garish socks on his way up. Later pass him again. I say: “I thought you were already on top.’ He says: “I’m taking a couple of laps.” Talk with Pat at CVS about self-service checkout machines taking over. Kaleb at Starbucks. He’s going to study ecology for free gratis to Starbucks. Mexican guy on Frida Kahlo.

August 12 dream:  At military officers club. Around were photos of military buses. Some had black missiles drawn on the bottom. Some white. We have to color in the white ones everywhere as soon as we supplied the missiles. First was Appalachia, as in the music Appalachian Spring. I was thinking they should play that music.

August 11, 2020:  Shits at 3ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Excelsior library on Mission. Return old DVDs from pre=pandemic. Then walk to G.P. Get matcha latte at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Long-haired blond guy complaining that he can’t keep his hair out of his face. Meet Ryan and his co-worker at M.S. #43 home. OSF post: “Newsom to appoint progressive replacement if Harris wins VP?”

August 11 dream:  Shakespearean character never got a chance to say goodbye to his mother before she died.

August 11 dream:  Death certificate of my Chinese mother: Hung, Li

August 11 dream:  J. preparing food at his place.

August 10, 2020:  Go to VA in a.m. Get in argument with doctor. I say: “You’ve never heard of remission of cancer?” he said: “Well, if it’s been misdiagnosed.” I say: “Oh, come on!” Walk to Inner Sunset via G.G. Park. #43 home. Still mad. Online work. Try to register for CCSF class in comparative religion. Take nap. Will try again tomorrow.

August 10 dream:  Dream of stork carrying baby.

August 10 dream:  Tom O. about to knock on my door at Saratoga house.

August 10 dream:  Guy from San Jose moves to Austria. They hold business meeting in the upstairs floor, but the cafes are better.

August 10 dream:  Ricardo contributes $1.00 to The Prosperos.

August 10 dream:  Stalin is killed (or at least he is knocked down). Play continues at end of hall. Beautiful princess. William Tell Overture.

August 9, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Followed guy with pony tail for a while. Go to CVS. Police there. Then home. Veteran on Teresita. He smiles and waves. My body tells me I’d like to be fucked by him. (*Relates to wanting to be fucked by my father?) Catch #43 at Riordan H.S. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Production, distribution and utilization of energy may be come dysfunctional. My conclusion: The constructs of Truth are already in place, everywhere equally present, perpetually in motion, fully functioning, and working for Its/Our own benefit.

August 9, 2020:  I’m at home alone. The electricity goes off. Two people at the door. It’s two women come to check the electricity. And maybe sell me a dog.

August 8, 2020:  Shits at about 2ish.  In ’til 3ish. Walk Ocean Avenue alleyway to CVS Portola. Then Mt.D. On descending, woman says to me: “Was it worth the trip?” Walk home. Follow cute, dark jogger down Staples. Nice good-looking guy moving boxes greets me. Walk to Riordan H.S. #43 home.

August 8 dream:  Am invited to club where they zap you if you want, and, it seems, even if you don’t want. As I realize, I go back to get my things. It may be too late.

August 8 dream:  Going to beautiful banquet room. Some people eating. Food looks wonderful. My friend sits. There is place for me to sit as well.

August 8 dream:  Getting back to work. Jack Lemmon there. I say, “Hi, Jack.” Looking at my list of things to do. Can’t figure out where to start.

August 7, 2020:  Shits at about 3ish.  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. via Plymouth. Then turn around and go to Safeway. Israel at Safeway. Prosperos weekly Zoom meeting at 5:30 p.m. 13 attended including Tom C. We talked about COVID and Trump. Was very disappointed, especially in Tom C., for not being even a bit skeptical about COVID. Not that COVID is a hoax, but that it is SENSE TESTIMONY! Called Mary L. after to see how Shahid endorsement vote went. Berniecrats did not rescind Shahid endorsement. 56% wanted to rescind but threshold was 2/3rds of the vote.

August 7 dream:  Woman wants to go to bed with me. Later I want to go to bed with her.

August 6, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. after following cute young guy to alternative path up. Then see Kaleb at CVS and later as he enters Starbucks. Then rush on #43 home to compose my Translation Lord’s Prayer. Insight: I made all sorts of decisions about who and what I am when I was a child, before I was even consciously aware of sexuality. Thus, my sexual guilt? Thus my pelvic pain?

August 6 dream:  Hanging out with Latina and her black boyfriend. They were eating powdered buns of some sort, not sweet.

August 6 dream:  I am secretary in law office with three projects I’m working for three different attorneys. Not getting very far.

August 5, 2020:  Discover Broadway Bares videos on YouTube. In ’til 3ish. Walk up Miramar to Mt.D. Asian guy with pony tail and flowered black pantaloons on Ocean. Then M.S. Then home via #43. Berniecrats from 6 to 10:30 p.m. talking about Shahid Buttar endorsement. Greg, Ben, Mary, Laksh and others at meeting. Some 75 people. Will tally votes on Friday.

August 5 dream:  Bernie supporter checking up on candidate.

August 5 dream:  Johnson Ferguson looks at new apt. on 31st floor. Only space available for rent is trunk for $350/month. Adjacent apt. may follow. Shower on 33rd floor had been totally redone. See Phil Diers. Also cute surfer blond guy with Hawaiian shirt. Woman in apt. is sewing something red like a fireman or Santa Claus.

August 5 dream:  Cute little girl comes running up to me. Calls me Marko. Then her mother with her new baby, wanting to know if I can spend some time with her next weekend. As I’m holding little girl, guy in corner yells: “Squeeze her.”

August 5 dream:  Washing dishes in our old apt. Landlord comes by with prospective new tenants.

August 4, 2020:  Big explosion in Beirut, Lebanon. (*Relates to J. reading my diary entry from hier, I think. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. via Ocean. Realize while walking that the final simultaneous games (in Washington, D.C. and Miami, Florida) from my Rosa Parks dream of 1995 probably don’t relate to the political corruption of the Democratic Party and the biological corruption COVID as I had thought, but to my diary entry from hier where I simultaneously confront John on being psychotic and my own fantasies of eventually becoming boyfriends with him. Beautiful man (with girl and dog) smiles at me as they make room for me to pass on Mt.D. (*Relates to my thoughts about my Rosa Parks dream, just mentioned, I think.) See ”End of October” on my way down Faxon towards home. In p.m. feel like such a fool for my 33-year “relationship” with John.

August 4 dream:  Start new job typing preliminary reports like I did in the ’90s. Boss asked us if we wanted insurance. Woman co-worker got very emotional and said she trusted him, the boss.

August 4 dream:  Go to pool party. Leave for home. Pick up new pair of socks. Get sock stuck in my throat. Some cute guys there.

August 4 dream:  Entire class goes to porno theater as a field trip. Reminds me of the time I saw J. (in another dream) at a gay porno theater.

August 3, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Then CVS. Tall guy with hot ass at Starbucks. Then Teresita home. Run into Jun on Judson. He gives me ride home. Then meet Clifton at W.F. I say: “Do you know why there’s a pickle shortage?” He thinks I’m telling a joke. I say: “No, I’m not telling a joke. I’ve been to Safeway, Mollie Stones and here, and there are no more pickle chips or pickle relish.” In p.m., without any forewarning, John shows up at my door. I invite him in. We make out. We have sex. It was nothing to write home about. But, after 33 years of foreplay, we finally got down to business. I doubt I’ll see much of him again. And that’s fine, too. I think he is psychotic, which to my understanding means that he is somebody without empathy. So it’s hard to have great sex with somebody who has no empathy. After all, sex is more than mutual masturbation. Good sex requires empathy. But as Prospero said of Caliban, “This thing of darkness I acknowledge mine.” So John may be psychotic, but he’s my psychotic. When I was crying almost uncontrollably while watching Carousel on August 1, I asked myself: “Does this relate to my father or something else from my past?” No, I think it related to something in my future. I think it related to my loss of John. Because I think I have lost him now. Now my only question is how does this relate to the Rosa Parks dream of 1995. The Rosa Parks dream intimated that my “games” with John would conclude after a football game in Dallas, Texas and then two simultaneous football games in Washington, D.C. and Miami, Florida. As I said in my diary of May 9, 2020, “Since these two games [Washington, D.C. and Miami, Florida], I think, represent political corruption (the fall of Bernie) and biological corruption (the Covid-19 crisis), the relationship with J. will end when these two crises end.”

August 3 dream:  Have the whole downstairs to myself so I decide to masturbate. Then my sister comes in. Later, I mirror woman in her pain of losing a lover.

August 3 dream:  Volunteered for a bit at office. There was not much to do so I left. Had seen J. in very sexy pants just before.

August 2, 2020:  Do online work. Nap. Return Sarah’s call. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. CVS. Starbucks. Cute guy in mask looks at me. Teresita home. Run into Franklin (Railroad Expresso’s Jesse’s brother) on Gennessee. Other neighbor stops by. We have real neighborhood confab for about 20 minutes. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Pandemic fatigue and anxiety is beyond ability to cope normally. My conclusion: Truth is one people, one power, infinite ability, uncollared, unleashed, all hands on deck being the only norm, the True pandemic.

August 2 dream:  Had to cut through human carcass as initiation into cult. May have cut my finger in the process.

August 2 dream:  Everybody at work was being nice to me. I felt like crying ’cause I hadn’t had very nice thoughts about them. Someone brought in pastries, etc.

August 2 dream:  Going through special police training with Armando S. to stand watch in the Castro this evening and a few other times each month. At end of training, he rolled Armando into a ball and rolled him down a shoot to back of pick-up truck.

August 2 dream:  Go to lowest level at homeless shelter. Some naked young homeless guys there. One smiles at me. Then another says, “Come with me.” Then woman with shaved head is calling her family to apologize.

August 1, 2020:  Translation workshop on Zoom at 9 a.m. Bills. Monthly BB. Nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. and back to Safeway around 4 p.m. My cashier is Israel (from Honduras) who I met on July 25. (*Relates to shits of hier around 4 p.m., I think.) 4 police cars pull up to arrest guys on Judson on #43 home. View Carousel in p.m. Lots of crying.

August 1 dream:  Cute Mexican guy with much of his mouth removed and TV screen on his forehead which said, “Move, puta.” I began kissing him and holding him. Feeling his body. His ass. I knew he was trouble. He wanted pens which contained drugs. (h.o.)

August 1 dream:  Big movie-like battle scene between Islamists and West. We were walking along and ugly, mean guy wants to recruit me. I break away. He pops up again later. Follow guy who is climbing up building to his car parked above. He drives it down building. It flings over.

August 1 dream:  Want to walk on a new section of bridge. It is a moving string of wire that you just have to hang onto the whole way. Wasn’t sure I could do it. Woke up. (h.o.)

July 31, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Feel shits coming on. Make it almost to the top. Then head back. Find open porta-potty on Cresta Vista, but decide against it. Rush home. Take shits. Walk to 7-11 to buy Chron. Cute Islamic guy still there. Stop at Java Hut on Ocean for matcha latte. Cute Asian couple with pink cake box on elevator up. Prosperos Zoom group from 5:30 to 6:30 p.m. Tom C. there. He tells me BNC stands for Benefits Loan Center, which is a nonprofit he works for in Seattle.

July 31 dream:  Woman picks up type of ship she wants to enlist on. My friend picks ship different than mine. (h.o.)

July 30, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Find $1 on Plymouth. Mt.D. CVS. Kaleb at Starbucks. (Felt dizzy and weak so go on sweets spree: chocolate bar at CVS, coffee frappuccino at Starbucks, soy latte and brownie at Cafe Bello, lemon pie at Ocean Avenue liquor store.) Follow guy on Teresita, down Foerster, down Monterey. Finally pass him. He stops to let me by. I turn around to get a good look. I go on to C.B. at G.P. Then BART from G.P to Balboa. Follow cute Asian guy into liquor store on Ocean. Then home.

July 30 dream:  I told my parents who were talking quietly in the same room: “I’m going to go to bed now. You can continue talking if you like.”

July 30 dream:  Trip in dream.

July 30 dream:  Me typing something with only 5 or 6 working keys. Painter painting moving picture.

July 30 dream:  Looking for phone nos. of woman who does T-shirts in upper Castro. 624-624?

July 29, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Woman with big breasts on Ocean Avenue. Singing on my ascent to Mt.D. again. Not on descent. Pat at CVS. Nice talk with him about two books he’s reading: Your Perfect Right and A Guide to Emotional Living. Then Kaleb at Starbucks (*I complimented his tattoos on July 16.) He talked about being employee of the month. Take shoes to be repaired. Guy’s name is Johnnie, he says, as in “Johnny B. Goode.” Watch YouTube movie where Charles Dickens was portrayed. I got very excited.

July 29 dream:  We congratulate ourselves on figuring everything out, but there’s still some people right next door who know where we are and are out to get us.

July 29 dream:  Meet at big long table to propose our idea to bank as we had to the BofA before. They were not able to help us, but they were very nice.

July 29 dream:  My roommate moved out. My small apartment is repainted. Looks pretty good. Building is still a cockroach building. Am sent to jail on 8/22.

July 28, 2020:  Call Heather in a.m. Write BB blog on “What is the opportunity for Prosperos in this time of crisis?” In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth. Guy with nice legs (read:  ass) on Casitas. Guy singing as I ascend Mt.D. but not as I descend. Pat at CVS too busy to talk with me. He gave guy before me lots of money and a receipt. Two cute cashiers at M.S. who ignore my interest in them. Bought dark chocolate bar. #43 home. Insight: Bought chocolate bar to improve me mood? Just like my parents did when I was a kid?

July 28 dream:  Calvin’s cat trying to dominate my attention.

July 28 dream:  Driving up towards Washington state with other guy. He wakes me up at 2:30 a.m. and tells me it’s my turn. We’re in a big trailer van. But we don’t know each other.

July 28 dream:  Take off on a three day trip. See Hanz’s roommate from my window. He has on all-white outfit with low-rise back, complimenting all the wonderful parts of his body. He smiles at me. Then on to Denver. Realize I forgot to put clothes in my suitcase, I confess to friendly woman co-passenger.

July 27, 2020:  Go to VA. They said my appointment had been cancelled. Go home. Hang-up call in a.m. Another call in p.m. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Young guy putting on his mask outside Aptos Park smiles at me. Walk to W.P. Hawk over alley way. Cute Asian guy at Peets goes to back room. Out comes tall, dark, handsome guy from July 25, I think. He’s wearing a red bandana mask. I say: “I like your mask.” He says: “Thanks.” I say: “Where did you get it?” He says: “It’s just a bandana.” I say: “Yeah, I think when I run out of these [my current masks], I’ll start wearing one of those. They’re stylish and looks like you’re robbing the place.” He says: “Yeah. Both.” I laugh. (*Relates to my slip and fall from hier on Mt.D., I think.) Go to Ezzy-Freezy across the street. Grocery clerk there gives me double look. Also cute blond, curly-haired clark helps me look for macaroni salad. Walk up Ulloa to Laguna Honda. #43 home.

July 27 dream:  Walking home through basement of building. Run into Michael K. and Hanz. They’re not very friendly. See woman walking around in a cage. I’m reading about King Arthur.

July 27 dream:  Dinner prepared at house by the animals.

July 27 dream:  Take pee at resto. I had written a few good articles about androgyny for some local papers. Heather there. Barbara Hager. Others.

July 27 dream:  Moved into 19th floor of tall office building. Electricity goes off. My boss and his gay sun and boyfriend had arrived. There was a fancy party next door. Suddenly I saw all sort of really well-dressed people rushing for the elevator.

July 26, 2020:  Wake up early. Do online work. Take nap. (*See nap dream.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. via Ocean and Portola. Cute cashier at 7-11. Slip and fall on Mt.D. Cute guy hiking up Mt.D. smiles at me. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Erroneous identity promotes separations and limitations. My conclusion: True Consciousness is the only identity of who or what is, the only conception/perception of who or what is, therefore all that can be promoted is boundless indivisible Being. Originally Melissa wanted us to Translate something about “cancel culture.” Later realized the reason I got so upset was because “cancel culture” is a ruse from what we should have been Translating: Trump’s invasion of American cities.

July 26 nap dream:  I wanted to show Thane something that needed to be corrected. He says he’s already taken care of it.

July 26 dream:  3 or so different women coming in for interview for our pope. One came in and turned into a volleyball.

July 26 dream:  Visit ashram. Calvin there. Leigh there. Wait in line to give back book. Someone tells Calvin he should check out a gym.

July 26 dream:  Miss buses 74, 43 and 11. Had never heard of the 74 bus before. (*Relates to finding out the VA had cancelled my appointment this a.m. without telling me?)

July 25, 2020:  Wake up early. Do online work. Take nap. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. via W.P. See “Best is Yet To Come” on Ocean Avenue. My right heel falls off at Peets W.P. Tall dark handsome barristo there. Walk to Mt.D. and on to Safeway. Beautiful bag boy there named Israel. #43 home.

July 25 dream:  Listening to beautiful music alone in my apt., adjusting the volume from time to time. Then walking home thru the woods. Hear children’s voices and think I should rush home. Try to rush, but can’t or won’t.

July 25 dream:  Jane Fonda and Robert Redford in movie. I’m their son. Set is backyard of house with bathtub shaped pool and little house in back. I joke that we could put a homeless person there. Other son drives truck down ramp just wide enough. Other couple there, too, kind of in love.

July 24, 2020:  Cancel my monthly $50 contribution to Shahid’s campaign. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. and turn around immediately. Run into same family on the way down and on the same black as on the way up, indicating to me that a cycle has been complete. Then notice beautiful man on Bella Vista. He notices me noticing him and smiles. Monterey liquor store. #43 home. Cold, windy day. 5:30 p.m. Zoom meeting with about 15 Prosperos. Saw Tom C. for first time in 20 or 30 years. There was definitely a catch in my throat when I recognized him.

July 24 dream:  Friend tells me I should take an aspirin and listen to the ocean when I go under water again.

July 24 dream:  77 something.

July 23, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Latino gardener on back of truck on Lansdale. See mouse scurrying down his hole on exiting Mt.D. CVS. Starbucks. Follow cute guy with nice ass and CU (University of Colorado) sweatshirt. I talk with him briefly outside Tower Burgers. He kind of backs away, so I do too. Down Teresita, call Mary L. re Shahid Buttar. Anonymous call about 5 p.m. Talk more with Mary L. Later, fantasizing about moving into Mary’s vacant 2-bedroom apartment with J. Then realize I really didn’t want to move in with J. Then realize I don’t have to move in with J. Just like I don’t have “move in” with my Dad. It was a liberating moment.

July 23 dream:  Guy comes in. Wants to sleep in our room. There is one bunk still available and he’s cute so…

July 23 dream:  Paul Fortis (or Joanne) says there’s some tainted meat. Wants to know if I want it?

July 23 dream:  Job interview at end of dream. I start talking to interviewer about healing being a melding of mind and body.

July 23 dream:  Dream I am in French class.

July 22, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Thinking about J. Then beautiful, long-haired Asian guy sitting alone in lobby snaps me out of my trance. I ask him (jokingly) why he isn’t wearing a mask. We talk briefly. Walk to Mt.D. Go to M.S. Cashier is a kind Asian man. I am upset by co-worker who comes up and interrupts my time with him. On Teresita flag says: “You’ll Never Walk Alone.” My friend Sky drives up and asks me if I want to practice speaking French with her. Find out Shahid Buttar accused of sexual abuse of co-worker in p.m. Insight: Contract with my father (He “keeps a roof over my head.” I pretend to be “good boy.”) Since he is no longer “keeping a roof over my head,” I no longer have to be a “good boy.”

July 22 dream:  Having big pot luck dinner with the 3 Smith sisters families. Leigh there. Joanne. (h.o.)

July 22 dream:  Studying at elite school. Reading book on city planning, I think. Teacher said it was not an approved book. She recommended one on Trump. I tried to find out the title.

July 22 dream:  Guy on my balcony looking in. Scares me. I try to get out of bed. Wake up.

July 21, 2020:  Wake up early. Do my online work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. My friend without his apron at CVS. Found out his name is Pat. We have fun talk. Other boychick in background. Starbucks. Teresita home. Gang of 4 or 5 teen boys. One quite gorgeous. Lose my mask for 2nd day in a row.

July 21 nap dream:  Go back to place where I used to live. Lots of cockroaches. Woman says we should catch up. I say: “What’s happening in your household?” She says she’s bought a 2-unit property in Mexico.

July 21 dream:  Ask speaker about other candidates for president. He doesn’t really come up with any I like. (Presidents, in this case, I think refers to boyfriends.)

July 21 dream:  Something about not having contributed to the school lately.

July 21 dream:  I’m working for real estate company. Trying to find #55. Very cute guy says it’s near Lockstep.

July 21 dream:  Guy seeming to be stepping out of the ocean saying, “Turnkey.”  (*Relates to YouTube video I view on July 23: “Bret Weinstein and Matt Taibbi: Corruption and its Consequences”)

July 20, 2020:  Sarah F. calls. In ’til 3:30. Walk to Mt.D. Lose mask on the way so come back early. Michael Brooks (YouTube star) dies unexpectedly. Heather W. says she never got my email which I sent on June 11 volunteering to give Translation workshop. After comic call from anonymous caller, I come to the conclusion that she’s lying.

July 20 dream:  Not convinced the murderer is who everybody says he is. (h.o.) (*Relates to Heather lying to me? See diary of July 20.)

July 20 dream:  Trying to deposit $10,000 worth of wet deposit slips. It doesn’t work. Later with about six bags of luggage, the bank manager and I and fat school kid and his mom all go out for Chinese.

July 19, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. CVS. Teresita home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Entrenched possessive viewpoints can stifle creativity and waste valuable intellectual property. My conclusion: Truth is the sole proprietor and the sole property, all one standpoint, always all ways, of unrestrained originality, of inestimable value, all knowledge, exclusive of waste.

July 19 dream:  Thinking of asking out Leigh. Then thinking again.

July 19 dream:  Two Asian brothers who look alike at cafe.

July 18, 2020:  Slept ’til 11ish. In ’til 3ish. Nasty black street guy at Ocean Avenue crosswalk. He begins yelling at me since we were both waiting to cross the street. (*Relates to email from Calvin H. indirectly accusing me of being a racist for posting an anti-racist video on the BB, I think.) Walk to Mt.D. Turn around and go to Safeway. Guy with two dogs from June 26 and other dates. He smiles at me when I start talking to his dog. Stop by Jun’s. Get haircut and buy more masks. He thinks I should be “dating.” Safeway. Home. Kerfuffle over Sunday Meeting link kind of lasted all day.

July 18 dream:  Working on the anti-Trump campaign with Rick Thomas. (Big h.o.)  (*Relates to telling Rick I will be joining his discussion group on Friday?)

July 18 dream:  About to make presentation about how much this work has meant to us. Two of my key players are forgetting the most significant part of their testimonials.

July 18 dream:  Older woman trying to seduce me.

July 17, 2020:  Up early. After online work, take one hour nap. In ’til 3ish. Wanted to walk to Mt.D. via W.P. Reason: guy in mask smiling at me in front of W.P. bookstore. Up Ulloa to Starbucks Portola. Hawk on Ulloa. Then Mt.D. Then home.

July 17 nap dream:  John and I touching our backsides behind bathroom mirror.

July 17 dream:  Four cute, naked guys all seemed to be paired up. I told my friend I’d see him later. On top floor of building. Near where they showed movies sometimes.

July 17 dream:  Involved (more as an observer) in demonstrations against the police for 2nd day. One of the women brought a watermelon. Somebody is calling for a “Med.”

July 17 dream:  Waiting tables on a pier in a family-owned resto.

July 16, 2020:  In ’til 11 a.m. #49 to 16th & Mission. As I get off bus, I give black guy a dirty look. I go back to atone and he smiles at me with his eyes. #22 to dental appointment. I am over an hour early. So I walk to the Castro and back. I realize that dream about me walking away from Jimmy (3rd dream of July 15) may have been my unconscious mind’s way of telling me that I’m finally walking away from John. Have nice chat with dental hygienist. Walk up Market to Starbucks Portola. Compliment baristo on his tattoos. Walk to Mt.D. and home. Then W.F. cashier named Sanders. Insight: My relationship with Jimmy S. back in 1970 was a lie. My relationship with my father and my step-family from 1956 on was a lie. My 33 year “relationship” with John H. was a lie. Realizing this has been a real kick in the balls. (*See diary of June 10, 2020.) But that’s why I made the psychic contract with John that I did back in January of 1987. And I think that contract has been fulfilled. Even my father tried to tell me back in the ’80s at my step-sister’s home in Palm Desert when he said, “Do you think this [referring to the step-family] is a big lie?” (See diary of April 20, 2020.)

July 16 dream:  Go to spot. Then return. The water is rushing. Then it slows down. (h.o.)

July 16 dream:  Begin new job on 10th floor. Work trickles in. I had been working on 11th, 12th and 13th floor.

July 15, 2020:  Single ring call at 11:15 a.m. and another at 11:25 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. White guy on Plymouth smiles at me with his eyes. On to Mt.D. My CVS friend (who looks good without his apron on). Starbucks. Walk down Teresita. Three police cars. Stop by Beep’s. Adoré there. He tells me he’s moving back to Ingleside from Stockton and that his girlfriend fucked his best friend. I think he told me more than he intended. (*Relates to hawk flying into tree hier?)

July 15 dream:  In room with cellphone which doesn’t turn on and is too long. (h.o.)

July 15 dream:  Go to Easter Sunday services. Look for flower to buy. I am all forgiveness and light.

July 15 dream:  Thane at a Sunday Meeting talking about me walking away from Jimmy [Savant]. I’m in the kitchen cleaning up. (*Relates to me walking away from John?)

July 15 dream:  Fly over to library to get the book Network so I can finish what I’m writing. Very tall librarian there. I ask if they can help me even though I’m not homeless.

July 15 dream:  Go to place to get ready for six times. Then woman tells me I shouldn’t be there. Carol Carter asks about not answering their phone on weekends.

July 14, 2020:  Wake up early. Finish online work. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Shits before I head out. Hear hawk on Yerba Buena Avenue. Then see hawk and two crows on Casitas. Hawk appears to run into tree. Crows sit on tree branch. Continue to hear hawk after passing him. Mario at CVS. He helped elderly Asian lady in wheelchair. So did I. Starbucks. Walk down Teresita. Run into same construction worker who tok his pants off on July 9. We exchanged looks. Walk to Gennessee and Monterey. #43 home. Call from Dean Preston’s housing campaign. I pledge $30. I’m a new grand uncle. My nephew had a new girl named Tomi Jordyn (after my brother Tom and his son Jordan).

July 14 dream:  Going around the room full of storage and people preparing for a party of sorts. I’m running around dusting the couch, etc. Someone asks me: “Who has been doused?” They say: “Ask Mary who has been doused?” I ask Mary. She says: “You have been doused.” I continue running around the room, now very emotional.

July 14 dream:  Some of us, including Melissa D., did a simulation of a take-off thru space, though we thought it was real at the time. Perhaps a real one to follow?

July 14 dream:  Take commuter train in wrong direction. End up in part of town I haven’t been to in quite a while. It seemed very exciting. I saw view of city I wanted to take a photo of, but it quickly disappeared. Caught up with my friends, two of whom were running for office.

July 14 dream:  Al H. pleased with how he handled a situation. Tom C. around.

July 13, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then M.S. Pretty girl in the vegetable aisle relates to peripheral hawk from hier, I think. Walk home via Teresita.

July 13 dream:  3-part walk-thru ending up at Oakland parking lot with newly approved dining area.

July 13 dream:  Telling someone about the time I met Hemingway and not telling it very well.

July 13 dream:  At work at same office as my mother. I give her some work since I se her inbox is empty. She is offended. I say: “Okay, I’ll never give you any work again.” Page had 88888 on it.

July 12, 2020:  Wake up early. Get all my online work done. Take nap. In ’til 3ish. Take “shits” just before leaving. Walk to Mt.D. Follow cute runner down a different path than usual. Leads me to hawk in my peripheral view. At CVS, have loving moment with my friend from June 30 and July 4 as I enter. Cute cop comes into Starbucks. His pants easily riding up his ass. Young boy yelling out to older guy on Teresita: “Oh, Billy, you’re so mean.” Sweet waving skateboarder at S.P. May have seen Apt. 429 couple walking towards Unity Plaza. Guy is goofy.

July 12 nap dream:  Drove to part of town I’d never been to before.  Maybe a black area.  Drove carefully thru indoor plaza.  Woman singing(?)  Herb Caen offers drinks.

July 12 dream:  Go to nude mixed bar. We’re still clothed and it’s all guys but the room is moving around like a merry-go-round.

July 12 dream:  Everyone’s in the rec room with their swim suits on. Girl asks me to drag her in on the floor as a sort of entrance. When we finish, people applaud. Jon Stewart there. People accuse him of being part of this only to show off his whiteness.

July 12 dream:  Have not been showing up for work lately. And haven’t gone in to tell them why.

July 11, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up to Mt.D. and back to Safeway. Hear hawk several times on Los Palmos. #43 home. Feel really sad about decision to move. Realize dream about crossing over bridge on July 4 may relate to my hyper-worrying about moving to Guerneville. Later tell my worrying self to shut the fuck up. Then realize that’s exactly what I’m saying to the folks on top of me in Apt. 429.

July 11 dream:  Me and Alan Deakins rushing thru the Castro looking for somebody Stop in to bar/resto to take a pee. Suzanne D. also there.

July 10, 2020:  Insight: My compulsion about my looks is part of my complicity with my father? In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. See “Truly, Truly, Truly” candy bar wrappers at Mt.D. CVS guy (who looks hot without his apron on) and I had nice conversation about conservative vs. liberal newspapers. Starbucks. Walk down Teresita. Cute gardener in garage. Group of construction guys across the street. (Guy who took off his pants hier might be one of them.) Guy on motor scooter riding by blasting out “Everything’s Gonna Be Alright.” Home. Neighbor in upstairs apartment shaking the building. I go up. Finally cute, quiet Asian guy comes to door. Denies everything. Later I think I’m in love again.

July 10 dream:  Visit Guerneville summer home. Dance in living room with Laurie. Lot of really nice silverware needs washing. I think: “It’s not really my dream. I don’t care at all about this house.”

July 10 dream:  Splitting the Guerneville people up into separate cars, 4 or so each.

July 10 dream:  Trying to find somebody without knowing their address. UPS truck, two dogs. Sewing machine. Orderly gets sleeves stripped off him.

July 9, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Walking up Lansdale, man slips on his driveway. I say: “Accidents happen.” On to Mt.D. Then CVS. Then Starbucks. Down Teresita. Cross street to be near cute guy. Then his friend appears and takes off his pants sitting on the rear gate of his car. He has on silk underpants. He looks at me. I raise my eyebrows and sip on my matcha frappuccino. Continue home kind of turned on and happy. In p.m., see high bridge in movie (*Relates to my dream of July 4?)

July 9 dream:  Pot luck with the family is coming to an end. One of my uncles is taking off. He’s gong to a Neptunian city, I point out. I think ’cause he’s very Neptunian. In the hallway some people gather to see “how much it’s grown.” Don’t know what that refers to. Maybe contributions toward something.

July 9 dream:  Preparing papers, etc., to buy a car. I tell my uncle: “I’ve never done this before.”

July 9 dream:  Dog with missing rear left paw.

July 9 dream:  Woman landlord flirts with me. Something about 20 hours. After 8 p.m., she’ll leave me alone.

July 9 dream:  Seeing a ghost of something. Feeling presence of my father.

July 8, 2020:  Anonymous call just before noon. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Scooter on Ocean Avenue sidewalk runs into me and vice versa. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Then on to CVS. Cashier there without his apron looked a lot hotter than I’d ever noticed before. Buy Almond Joy candy bar. Walk down Teresita. Police car stops on the way, checking me out. I stop as well until they move on. Pelvic pain from the chocolate bar.

July 8 dream:  Change houses for an overnight meeting. I’m due to sleep in the living room now. Someone else in charge of keeping the temperature at 75 degrees instead of me.

July 8 dream:  Rick Thomas is showing me where the lottery money is. Some $15,394 or so.

July 8 dream:  “What makes Mitch McConnell happy at 7? A man at 5.”

July 7, 2020:  Call at about 9 a.m. Woke me up. I forgot to unplug my phone. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Hear child singing “Jingle Bells.” Two-ring call shortly after I reached peak of Mt.D. at about 3:45 p.m. See “Congratulations Presidio Middle School Graduate 2020” in window of my Asian friend on Rockdale Drive. Congratulate graduate washing her car on Teresita. Talk with right-wing but nice vet on Teresita. Insight: Me being complicit with my father. Admitting my complicity, I am now in a position to extricate myself from my complicity. After insight, my heart racing all evening and all night.

July 7 dream:  President Hall arrived at banquet. I accompany her to her table. Other security guard is even more intimate with her.

July 7 dream:  Going to gay bar. Come out. Meet with two friends who like me along with others from where we live. See very interesting (i.e., hot) guy walk by.

July 7 dream:  Meeting with some guys over a meal. Will meet again on Friday via phone.

July 6, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Feel “shits” coming on. Rush home and shit. Walk again up to Mt.D. Forgot my mask so came directly home. See “essential.” Also “frontier.” Feel strong sense of love for Jun after hearing anti-hate ad about Asians on TYT.

July 6 dream:  In my usual place of an apartment with many floors. Lots of young male staff. Me and a friend sneak in one night. I throw ice cream in face of one of our pursuers. It’s some kind of cult or military outfit. Everyone is very well-trained though they are surprised and outwitted by us. In the end we are still inside but they are running around like Keystone Cops.

July 6 dream:  Last day of volunteering. I drop my tomato juice when my partner stops to talk with somebody. Walk to corner on Castro. Our neighbor vendor just spray-painted her stand so doesn’t want us to lean up against it. I’m in a bad mood ’til I remember it’s our last day volunteering.

July 5, 2020:  In ’til 39sh. Walk to Mt.D. run into my lost Asian friend from July 2 on Rockdale Drive. He was in the driveway with his father, I think. On to CVS. Then Teresita to Safeway. Then #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: The pandemic causes disruption to our routines and options.
 My conclusion: Consciousness/Truth is sufficient unto Itself, one cause being manifested in infinite variety of personhood; the only consequence, the only outcome, the only upshot, the only outturn, the only effect, the only reaction, the only repercussion, the only reverberation, the only ramification, the only end, the only conclusion, the only termination, the only culmination, the only corollary, the only concomitant, the only aftermath, the only product, the only byproduct, the only solution, the only sequelae, the only payoff, the only issue, the only yield, the only success; all ways, always, all roads, all routes, all routines; with absolutely no disruption and with infinite certitude.

July 5 dream:  Boat captain couples(?) with each other. At end we are all asked to get off the boat and line up on the water to see if we have cancer.

July 5 dream:  Off to give talk at the Castro Theatre. Before: Found out co-workers politics and it affected our relationship. Beautiful tall, dark naked man in the dressing room.

July 4, 2020:  Sarah F. calls midday. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. My friend from June 30 is there. He says he likes my T-shirt. I think he is commenting on whatever political slogan is printed, but later realize he was coming on to me. Anyhow, we started talking about politics. He tells me that he’s only 19 but that the last election day in 2016 he and a friend were trying to figure out which one would be worse. I joked: “Now you know.” (*Relates to young hawk on Teresita Boulevard from hier, I think.) Walked Teresita home. Insight: Looking up the word endocrine which creates hormones and realizing that my father wouldn’t like that.

July 4 dream:  In town for two weeks. Big conference after week 1. Then we can enjoy the city.

July 4 dream:  Returning from trip to Seattle. My friend (Chris Christie) is driving an empty bus. I’m sitting in the middle. He drives up extremely high single lane ramp over bay. I’m scared so I go to sleep. Later see whales swimming by. Then turtle. Then we are in town. Lots of activity. And now the bus is full. I am reading book about nuclear winter. My friend says he has an earlier copy if I want.

July 3, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Firemen on Lee Avenue. On to Mt.D. On way down, hear two young boys talking to each other. One says: “That would be a good thing to meditate on.” See “Giant” on parked car. At M.S. woman gets in line ahead of me. But this allows me to see my friend of June 16 and June 26 just as I’m leaving. See guy walking his dog on Teresita. I struggle to see his face as there is a light pole in the way. (*See dream of June 29.) Once I see his face, he looks and smiles a lot like J. I think of following him, but police car drives by. A little later youngish hawk flying by on Teresita. Fire trucks on way home. (Sweets:  Eat almost a whole pint of coffee ice cream.) Work on MSM in p.m.

July 3 dream:  Someone wanted me to create story that she says will be a best-seller.

July 3 dream:  Gang of black youth calls me over. I ignore them. Black guy from SNL asks me for money again. I’ve already given him $3 or so.

July 3 dream:  Climb thru window feet first over ledge with help of black friend.

July 3 dream:  Take bridge across bay from Oakland to S.F. Then remember there’s a new bridge over the bay which would be fun to cross.

July 2, 2020:  Anonymous call at 2:40 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Pass handsome masked guy on way down. Then follow young Asian guy dressed in black. He seems lost. Walk home. Then turn around and try to run into Asian guy again. I do. He still seems  lost. I continue on to CVS. Then down Teresita. Decide to look again for Asian guy. Walk up Mt.D again. On way down run into handsome masked guy again. He is reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. We talk about ½ hour. He works for company which is looking for anti-Covid medication. His name is Max. He’s from Phoenix. He had never heard of Christian Science. At end of our conversation he took his mask down. We saluted each other on leaving. Wondered how all this related to mad dog from hier. Then got angry call from somebody who called me John and wanted to survey me about my timeshare. I got my answer. Somebody was pissed off that I made a new friend (Max). (*Relates to mad dog from hier, I think.)

July 2 dream:  Am working at police dept. Need to change one letter in ink. I change whole row. Boss doesn’t seem to mind.

July 2 dream:  All I need to do is lay low.

July 1, 2020:  Bills and BB in a.m. Cancel Chicago virtual tour. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Mad dog chases after me. Guy at CVS today I thought was the same as hier, but he wasn’t. Also, very hot young couple, especially the guy. Was glad when they left the store. Nice guy at Starbucks. Walk down Teresita. Cute guy in shorts walking by with 4 or 5 young boys around him. He says, “Hi.” I say, “Hi.” (*Relates to hawk from hier on Mt.D.?) Anonymous call at 5:25 p.m.. Berniecrats meeting in p.m. Bevan Dufty there. I ask him a question via chat. He responds, then says: “Nice to see your name again.” I blush. Also ask school board candidate about lifelong learning. She’s a big fan, she says. Ask John Avalos about public banking for S.F. In p.m. realize my pelvic pain relates to my father,  and me always taking the blame for everything.

July 1 dream:  Murder investigation on a train.

July 1 dream:  Trying to adjust a map online via touch, and failing.

July 1 dream:  Biden in the middle of a talk at the podium. He follows a woman to the side of the room and kisses her, saying: “Oh, I love you so much.” She is freaked. Suzanne D. stops by.

July 1 dream:  Miss a whole day of work. When I go, the place is packed with people doing something else. Carol Carter there. Later some large older women in old fashioned dresses sitting on the lawn.

July 1 dream:  Listening to fundamentalist Christian woman on TV. Wondering what made her tick. Then other people started wandering in and talking about things. I was surprised since things like this usually didn’t happen to me.

June 30, 2020:  Anonymous phone call at 7:05 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Shits before I go. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk as I exit park. Then CVS. (*Hawk at S.P. hier relates to cashier at CVS?) Down Teresita to Safeway. Drop energy drink and it breaks while I’m trying to put on my mask. Look into condo in Chicago in p.m.

June 30 dream:  My boss is running out of money.

June 29, 2020:  (Sweets: one pancake with jelly.) In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Have to shit. Run home. Have shits. Walk again to Mt.D. Then CVS. Then down Teresita home. Hawk at S.P.

June 29 dream:  Two young guys in flashback from movie try to kidnap Bill Fortis, my cousin. He ties up his sewing machine and says: “There’s more chance of you taking this than taking me on beachfront home.” At first he tried to hide behind bannister. “Yes,” he says. “$4 to $19.”

June 28, 2020:  Happy Pride! (Sweets: two small slices of berry pie.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. then CVS. Then down Teresita and Bella Vista home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Individual rights to earn a living can conflict with individual responsibility to maintain their health. My conclusion: Consciousness, the only Individual, is entitled to all that is, can lay claim to all that is; can rest secure in its infinite livelihood and boundless health, which are its indisputable due. Heard on “Jung to Live By” YT about a man who had his wife’s heart attack.

June 28 dream:  Using someone’s bed(?)

June 28 dream:  My bank runs out of deposit slips. Manager wants to take me in room and explain what to do. Other customer comes in and they talk. It’s about 10 a.m. I have to get to other bank by 1:05 p.m. before they close. I’m getting anxious.

June 28 dream:  Still trying to get the money in the right bank account. Find two dollar bills in the trash.

June 27, 2020:  (Sweets: 3 small slices of berry pie in a.m.) In ’til 3ish. Beautiful Asian runner on Ocean Avenue. He smiled as I couldn’t take my eyes off his crotch. Runner on Colon Avenue smiled as he left his house. I saw him later on Cresta Vista Drive. Go to Mt.D. Then down Ulloa towards W.P. Hawk soars high above to my right. Beautiful black-haired baristo at Peets W.P. He resisted my entreaties. See book called San Francisco Earthquake. Then walked down San Andreas Way.

June 27 dream:  Returning back to the city by commuter bus. My brother Tom had comped me a ticket since he works for Greyhound. When my turn in line comes, driver said: “Let’s sit down [and figure this out].”

June 26, 2020:  Shits at 3 p.m. Walk to Mt.D. Run in to beautiful guy walking with two dogs. I’ve passed him maybe 4 or 5 times before. He has greeted me in the past but not today. On to Mt.D. Then M.S. Cute checker who fled from me on June 16 stuck around this time and even wished me a nice day. EMT guy on Lee Avenue. I get mad ’cause he seemed to be posing for female co-worker. Later realized he was posing for me. Reminded me of the time I saw J. entering Eric’s apt. in the late ’80s. I thought: “He seems so happy. He must really like Eric.” Later I realized he was happy to see me. (Sweet diary: two small slices of berry pie.)

June 26 dream:  Rude female reporter from The Oracle comes to interview me. There are cockroaches on the ceiling. I say: “Who’s is that?” She says: “What school did you go to?” I say: “Saratoga High School.”

June 25, 2020:  Fire alarms all morning. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Cute Asian homeowner on Plymouth. On to Mt.D. Then down Teresita to Safeway. #43 home. (Sweets: Touch of ice cream. Small slice of berry pie.) In p.m., remembering fellow sailor I went to Grande island with back in ’66.

June 25 dream:  A crime has been committed. Everyone, everything being isolated for examination and classification. Me, too. (h.o.)

June 25 dream:  I’m alone in the house. I put a mannequin in the window so people would think I wasn’t alone. Harriet and Nancy return home. Nancy had bought me some soft gay porn, an astrological calendar and other magazines.

June 24, 2020:  My primary, Wilson Fong, called at 10 a.m. Since I had spent yesterday afternoon railing at him in my mind, it went okay. Video about the late Rebecca Floyd made me sad. Humming bird flies to my balcony window. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Stray dog on Ridgewood. At first meek. Then started barking at me. On to Mt.D. Then M.S. Had coffee/chocolate bar. Walk home. Beep’s. Adoré there. He’s not thrilled to see me. Just happy. Had root beer float. Insight: Brother Tom also had compulsion to constantly look at real estate options. Also: Feeling safer now that I’m turning off my phones at night.

June 24 dream:  Put on somebody else’s underwear ’cause I couldn’t find my own and didn’t want to start a new pair. Hoped nobody would catch me.

June 24 dream:  Big, long, hard-on while peeing in public restroom. Strange man waits a little too close. There is shit in the bowl. I flush it. As I try to wash my hands, guy tries to take shower at work.

June 24 dream:  A friend of mine is cooking something outdoors with a spatula which I had lent him. He walks off for a moment.

June 23, 2020:  Dr. Goodman (the woman who examined my balls on June 12 and the woman who the VA said I could not meet with) calls about 10:30 a.m. I just happened to notice my phone ringing in passing ’cause I had shut down the volume the night before. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then back home. Cute Asian guy as I arrive home. Election results in p.m. Bowman beats corporate Democrat lodged for 30 years in his sinecure.

June 23 dream:  My brother and I getting ready to put back the rug we took out from our grandmother’s basement apt.

June 23 dream:  In group activity, I am paired with guy who also has a fear of being left out. Read off a letter from Mayor London Breed: “She’s in acting trim. She has a whip. And she plans to use it on her foes!” On board a ship, I think. (h.o.)

June 23 dream:  Garden of Eden emerges from the floor. We are trying to figure out if I have caused an electrical short and/or how people behaved then.

June 22, 2020:  VA calls insisting I meet with my primary instead of the doctor who examined my balls. I’m very mad. My primary is a condescending idiot. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Dead rat in front of CVS. Stop by M.S. Guy with Colorado T-shirt after. As I’m on Gennessee walking home, car stops by and offers me a ride. Turns out it’s Jun and his wife. They drive me to W.F. There’s no line so I go in. Cute guy with salmon colored shorts. My stomach goes flip-flop. He gets in line behind me at check out stand.

June 22 dream:  Trying to attract shark into human circle. Shark trying to rip off swim suits and more. Only the shark was on the shore.

June 22 dream:  Run into guy who tries to weasel his way into my life. Then run into my father. He’s acting weird, too. Then Harriet arrives looking pouty. I leave them to it.

June 22 dream:  Last minute letters need to be sent out at end of work day.

June 21, 2020:  Decide not to pursue Chester, CA, home. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Return. Beautiful Filipino man at Myra Way. Cute, friendly cashier at Monterey Street liquor store. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Persons attract to themselves exactly the right challenges that are needed, but may be hard to recover from. My conclusion: Truth/Consciousness is the infinite expression of One Individuation; needing only Itself; drawing near only to Itself.

June 21 dream:  My boss is mad at me. Wants me to be sitting on the floor tomorrow a.m. when work starts.

June 20, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Overcast day like hier. Turn around on top and head to Safeway. Then home. Very excited about $189,000 home in Chester, CA. Spent all afternoon and evening fantasizing about moving there. Lots of trouble getting to sleep. Next a.m. I Translate “home” which leads to “safety” which leads to “psychotic” or lack of empathy. My conclusion: Truth is all-knowing AND all-feeling. Guy on YouTube saying there is a connection between the words “twin” and “testicle.”

June 19, 2020:  9 a.m. anonymous call. Called Lake Almanor realtor to see Rim Drive house. In ’til 3ish. Start to walk towards Mt.D. Then turn around. Go to Korean take-out place. Feel really nervous about going to see house. Then realtor calls saying they already have two offers. Feel really sad about it. Though when I asked why such a beautiful house was only $249,000, he said that you need a snowmobile to get to it during most winter months. Firecrackers again in p.m. Guys from Apt. 310 leaning against railing, enjoying it.

June 19 dream:  Leaving Aunt Joanne after straightening out some clothes. Drive back with Joanne in the car.

June 18, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Lots of scam calls. Walk to Mt.D. Cute cashier at CVS. Teresita home. Email realtors in Guerneville and Lake Almanor. Break glass in p.m.

June 18 dream:  Heard evil kid laugh. I flinch.

June 18 dream:  German archetypes effect on English archetype. (h.o.)

June 18 dream:  I have $2,000 inheritance. Having trouble getting my paperwork accepted. Guy comes in and interrupts me.

June 17, 2020:  #29 to VA for ultrasound on my balls. Two guys who say they’ve been together 43 years precede me. Diagnosis: hydrocele, fluid on the balls. Have to wait ’til next week for treatments, if any. (BTW, big balls sometimes found on newborn babies.) Two black VA workers talking about Tulsa. Also, Cornel West’s response to George Floyd funeral. Walk home via G.G. Park. Women says: “Jesus is coming in 2021.” Cute guy waiting in line at Little Sweet on 9th Avenue. Beautiful man at W.F.

June 17 dream:  I’m on the outs with my family. Guy (we know) comes to our door trying to sell us dinner rolls. Woman not interested. I already eat something much better and healthier.

June 17 dream:  About to do musical. Go back to Ben’s apt. to get copy of my part to make sure I know what to sing.

June 16, 2020:  Hear: “Your life will never be the same again.” In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Tightness of the heart at top. Then CVS. Then M.S. Get in express line. Then change to line with beautiful guy I wanted to get closer to. As soon as I finished waiting, he had switched with another guy. (*Relates to hawk and two crows from hier?) Walk down Teresita. Lots of goats at Stanford Heights Reservoir. Guy setting off fire crackers in our courtyard and for 2nd day in a row.

June 16 dream:  In a couples therapy workshop. One couple breaks up. Guy was insistent. Finally he walked out. I sat with cigar smoking woman. She said: “What do you think of people who smoke cigars?” I say: “When men do it, it’s pretentious. When women do it, it’s double pretentious.”

June 16 dream:  Go to J’s store in the Castro to return some videos. Then forgot to return them. So I go a 2nd time. J. hides from me. Walk home feeling bad. Meet guy named “Brush.” We walk together a while. It had been raining. He breaks into empty store front and decides to wait there. Two others have joined us and they wait there as well. I decide to continue home The two guys embrace me as I leave.

June 16 dream:  Wearing bright blue satin jacket trying to leave work.

June 15, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk and two crows over CCSF parking lot. Strange black guy following me a few blocks. Feel kind of “shitty” so turn around immediately as I reach top of Mt.D. Lots of scam calls throughout the day.

June 15 dream:  Many birds circling CCSF parking lot.

June 15 dream:  Big h.o. dream.

June 15 dream:  Take train into southern California anonymous town. Try to find my way back to station. Guy in his underpants. Me with my shirt off. Harriet is there, too.

June 14, 2020:  Email from Richard B. Felt like I was kicked in the balls. (*Relates to swollen testicle from June 9?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Expecting something dramatic relating to shits of hier, but nothing so far. Go to Mt.D. Then CVS. Then down Teresita to Safeway. Then home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Old perceptions can be difficult to overcome in order to make space for a more evolved view. My conclusion: Truth is fully evolved, never old, of infinite capacity, irresistible, cannot be undone, all-perceiving, inclusive of all points of view. OR: Truth is that all points of view are One.

June 14 dream:  A little Elizabeth is born. Elizabeth asks if I want to hold her. I do. (h.o.)

June 14 dream:  Lots of well-dressed mostly young women ignoring me. One older lady with glasses with jewels in place of lenses.

June 13, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up to Mt.D. Feel “shits” coming on. Run home. Barely make it. Take off again for Mt.D. Couple of gay men on top. One quite attractive. Think: “To not be is not possible.” Safeway. Myka there, but we don’t interact. Walk home.

June 13 dream:  Roz (from “Frazier”) and I talk about upcoming family reunion. She said the word in her family was to be nice to each other. I said it was the same in our family. It might be touch ’cause many are not Prosperos. I’m feeling really handsome talking to Roz. Then other woman I like walks by in a rather dowdy dress. I say: “Is that your fancy dress?”

June 13 dream:  Am prisoner of nice person who I follow. We run into police captains of several local cities all gathered together. There is some question about the result of an election. The police feel it should be accepted as is.

June 13 dream:  Have to pick between two really cute guys to sit next to in class. Finally pick the right one.

June 12, 2020:  #29 to VA. Very hot dermatology doctor. He offered to help me put on my socks after examining me naked. Later woman doctor says: “If you’re planning on becoming sexually active again…” I think: “How did she know?” Is my swollen testicle a “ball dropping” moment? Take #29 home. Go to Beep’s. No Adoré. Theosophy video in p.m. about not trying to outshine others.

June 12 dream:  New class experiment. We all climb up on a book shelf and read obscure works. I flirt with cute guy and offer to share my book with him. Not sure how that results. Casts outside demanding us to clap. Big cat pushed little kitten around. Calvin there.

June 12 dream:  My boss asking for more tea makes me nervous. He says: “Just take the tea from this glass and put it in that one.”

June 12 dream:  Guy does magic trick with me for audience at resto. He eats hot potato and doesn’t get burned like I did. I feel really exhilarated afterwards. Maybe want to get a drink. He and I walk off together. One young woman in the resto audience said she felt really moved. S.F. guy earlier talking about kissing woman. He said: “I don’t mind it. There’s just not as much there [as with a man].”

June 11, 2020:  Call VA about swollen testicle. They don’t seem too concerned. Will go to VA tomorrow. Heather W. called later wanting me to give Translation workshop in August, which I later agreed to do. Take nap for two hours. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. CVS. Follow cute guy into M.S. Walk home.

June 11 nap dream:  I complain about the food at resto, especially the spare ribs. Manager asks: “Is it related to food?” I say: “Barely.”

June 11 dream:  Walk thru usual place I go in dreams, but this time the other way. Remember John H. and his dream boyfriend.

June 11 dream:  Three generals, one late. Big event coming.

June 10, 2020:  Landline call at 8 a.m. No answer. I thought I had turned my phones off. Next time I’ll be more careful. Two other scam calls. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. CVS. Walk home. Find out I’m pre-approved for a $200,000 VA home loan. Now I just need to find a $200,000 home. Discover swollen right testicle in p.m. Hard nite.

June 9, 2020:  Single ring call in a.m. Suggest platform change to SF Berniecrats: “Self-purification must precede political activism.” Missed call around 2:45 p.m. (*Relates to shits about 2:45 hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then stop at M.S. Then down Teresita home. Still feeling lots of pelvic pain. See “Late July” on box outside W.F. as I arrive home.

June 9 dream:  Joined a band which was an alternative to the most popular rock ‘n roll band. Stars of the band were finally told they have to stop smoking while playing. Woman hugs me and points out the great ones in the band including her and me.

June 9 dream:  Am staying with Thane for a few days. Also staying there is a nasty woman in a wheelchair. Thane sensed her presence before she rang the bell and motioned to me that someone was at the door. I try to help her in the doorway, but she doesn’t want my help, though she needs it.

June 9 dream:  I’m talking with fellow students. Thane jokes with us. I go to get something to eat. It’s around noon, so there’s a line. I’m anxious to get back to the group.

June 9 dream:  The Name. Hearst.

June 8, 2020:  Am crying over “Prayertest” YouTube. Get anonymous call. Later another call. No one answers back. I say: “Chicken.” Shits about 2:45 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Talk to nice skateboarder at Unity Plaza. Then walk to C.B. Owner there. Walk thru G.C.P. Beautiful day. Walk to Portola shopping center. The up to Mt.D. and home. Realize pelvic pain may relate to my guilt over my response to my mother’s death. Like I should be punished for it. In p.m. think of slogan to my body: “Whose body? My body!” Hear “Expect the Unexpected” twice in p.m. See “Catch on.”

June 8 dream:  Staying at work late into the night with many others. I think I’m next n line to get my online info approved and submitted. I am working on a map of San Francisco with other information also plugged in. I wonder if it’s healthy that most of the streets are perpendicular to each other and not many curved roads.

June 7, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk outside. People waving signs for “Black Lives Matter.” Cars honking. Walk to Mt.D. Beautiful dark-haired smiling, cyclist with his friend on top. CVS. Down Teresita. Woman taking off her sweater. I look over. Then she and her friend fallow me. Follow guy to Hearst Street. Then down to Flood. See scary black man at pile of recycling. As I approach, he becomes beautiful white-faced, long-haired Jesus. I tie my shoes across the street. He doesn’t look at me. But I feel his presence. And love him. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Power (of authorities or of victims) can be misused. My conclusion: Truth has the right to give orders, make decisions and enforce obedience because Truth is the law, the correct behavior or procedure and all events are harmless, life-sustaining and just because Truth cannot be wrongly used.

June 7 dream:  Watch YouTube video explaining why I am not religious. (h.o.)

June 7 dream:  Working with Kate Cuff on finding licenses for people. One of the documents changed to another document when I looked back. Then it happened right as I was looking at it. Jimmy Carter walked by and told us to be careful. I joked about working with “THE DEVIL!!!”

June 7 dream:  Put dead turtle in box and threw it away. All the live turtles follow into the bin. I feel guilty they will all be crushed.

June 6, 2020:  Rough night last nite related to anonymous call about 9:30 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Follow cute blond runner. As I pass his home with bright green astroturf, I pull off my mask and say: “Nice lawn.” He smiles. On to Mt.D. Hear owl on way up. There’s a line now for CVS so I skip it. Walk down Teresita to Monterey liquor store and Safeway. See Myka, but he either doesn’t see me or he snubs me.

June 6 dream:  Driving bus, speeding down freeway. Someone said there was a fire on the 2nd level where some children were. I tried to find a place to pull over. Finally stopped at big excavated area. Some guy was being arrested.

June 6 dream:  Running off original and copy of document. Ran out of paper.

June 6 dream:  Cleaning out trash in vacant lot in S.F. J. is nearby. Throw trash away. Get stuck in window sill. Decide to rest there a while. J. still around.

June 6 dream:  Return to horrible factory job at least for a few days. Have to wait in line to put my gear away.

June 6 dream:  I am woman standing outside burnt tower where my little son died(?)

June 5, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. On Lansdale Avenue, as I’m thinking of fucking J., I look to my left to see woman smiling at me. Strange, almost scary man on Mt. D. He kept saying: “I’m sorry. I’m so embarrassed.” Etc. Walk to CVS. Open but still boarded up. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Run into same guy working on his engine on Frida Kahlo Way as hier. Talked with him. Was not at all attracted to him. In p.m. Stefan Fox speaks of the divine child. (*Relates to last dream of June 4, I think.)

June 5 dream:  Second Economic Justice Act passes?

June 5 dream:  There was no cheating with government agency I was involved with. Guy just wanted me to take a piece of food for him. I said: “Get it yourself.”

June 4, 2020:  Wake up at 7:30ish due to call at about 11:30 a.m. which I was not fast enough to answer. I texted in response: “Don’t be a tease.” Took nap later. In ’til 3ish. Walked to Mt.D. Felt “shitty” on top so took short-cut back. Cute cashier at Monterey liquor store. Later guy on Frida Kahlo leaning over his car engine. As I pass he looks up and raises his lower right leg in invitation. I continue home.

June 4 nap dream:  Dog bites onto my crotch in busy shopping center. Owner says: “I’ll be right back.” I finally get rid of dog and look around remodeled shopping center. Stop by orate wooden church.

June 4 dream:  Little child excited to see me.

June 3, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. CVS boarded up. Pass by Creightons and M.S. Go to Beep’s. Adoré there. Good to see him again. He was telling me about all the demonstrations he’s encountered here, in Stockton, and on the freeways between. Other cute guy I noticed as I left. His girlfriend gave me a dirty look. Berniecrats meeting in p.m.

June 3 dream:  I’m about to become an actor. Visit Laurence Olivier in between his appointments. He says he never was that impressed with Lillian Gish.

June 3 dream:  Ride old-fashioned train onto high narrow rail out to sea to board ship as a sailer. Perry Dick there.

June 3 dream:  Having trouble putting money into my bank account.

June 2, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Near top, young h.s. graduate being lei-ed by his family. Walk to Mt.D. Then M.S. worker outside. Very handsome. I cruise him. He washes his hands. I stick around ’til he’s finished. Then walk backwards ’til I’m out of sight. Walk down Teresita to Monterey liquor store. Beautiful guy in line behind me. He has mask on, but we still commune. (*Relates to tripping on Mt.D hier?) 16 or 17 spam calls about various accounts allegedly being suspended. Feeling bad about not going to Creightons anymore. Like I have an obligation to Creightons lady to make her happy. Like I had an obligation to make my mother happy.

June 2 dream:  Tell cute girl eating potatoes that it looks like she’s got a lot to handle. On 2nd glance, it was only one potato. She asked if I wanted any. I said, “No, thanks. I’ve already had enough.”

June 2 dream:  Get lunch for young female worker. My other co-worker says: “You know what to get. Get what you always get: salads, etc.” I have to climb to highest shelf in outdoors. Trump is down below trying to rattle us.

June 2 dream:  I’m living in a cheap hotel with the down ‘n outs and tourists. Guy comes from outside to my window. We talk briefly and he goes back down to car with his friends. I walk back into my room through a lobby of losers and tourists. My door has a full-length window with no shades. Other guy from car sees where I live. Tourists speak to each other as I enter from lobby. The tourists make me feel safer.

June 1, 2020:  Bills, monthly BB in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Thinking that my book will be a success and make me some money. Guy smiles at me. Go to Mt.D. Trip on way down. Then M.S. Then down Teresita. Guy on bike near S.P. relates to hawk from hier, I think. He’s very hot and he sees me recognize his hotness and smiles, allowing himself to be naked with me for a few seconds. Walk home. RHS to my father: “God gave me this life. You didn’t!”

June 1 dream:  Me running for Congress before my father remarried. (h.o.)

June 1 dream:  Guy gets out of murder charge. Some still not convinced. I am still not convinced. (*Relates to me as the murderer of my mother?)

June 1 dream:  In packed theater. Jimmy Stewart there. Other celebrities. Light show on the ceiling forcing people in the front rows to turn around.

May 31, 2020:  Carol Carter memorial in a.m. About 26 attended online. In ’til 3ish. Walked to Mt.D. Then Portola shopping center. Passed on to Teresita and Safeway. Myka there. Old “Just Married” car on Teresita. Hawk at S.F. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Anger and frustration from a history of lost lives and livelihoods cause riotous explosion of energy. My conclusion: Truth is the only cause and only effect of all action, always triumphant, the all knowing, all-finding present which includes the so-called past and the so-called future, infinite of mind and body, automatically inclusive of universal unearned and unearnable income/livelihood.

May 31 dream:  Walking down a busy street , thinking of J. Run into Kathy W. handing out something. She said she’s been trying to get in touch with me. Some big event coming up.

May 30, 2020:  Jerk off (twice!) in a.m.  In ’til about 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Three cars full of 2020 grads honk and wave at me on Frida Kahlo Way. I felt like I was one of them. Walk up to Mt.D. Guys in tent on top, having fun. Walk down to W.P. Stop at Starbucks. Walk home. People in apt. next to me are moving out. Great YT video by Cornel West. I was in tears. (*Relates to last dream of May 24?)

May 30 dream:  Using syllogism to convince person we know that she’s a good person.

May 30 dream:  Architect designs building for FBI in Manhattan. I say: “It’s great. No one will notice it. I will,of course,”

May 30 dream:  My wallet is returned with no money.

May 30 dream:  A bunch of successful, well-known actors on a panel. (*May relate to Carol Carter memorial of May 31?)

May 29, 2020:  In ’til noonish. Go to copy place and send off loan apps. Feel really good about it. Also pick up new shoes from VA at mail center. Then walk to W.P. Hot tea at Peets. Burn my wrist trying to take top off. Walk to Mt.D and down. Shits on getting home. Report scam call from “Apple Support” to FTC. August 19, 2002 (9 a.m.) will be the 18th birthday of my legal name change to Zonta. I’m almost legal!

May 29 dream:  Run out of large (8-1/2 x 11)  envelopes. I’m sending out something to about 25-30 people.

May 29 dream:  Working at one of Trump’s(?) two restos in S.F.

May 28, 2020:  Steve Hines calls around noon. His relationship with his father reminds me of my relationship with my father. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. On to CVS. Get scam call saying my Visa card has been suspended. (Later I report the call to Visa.) Little girl at Creightons. Walk Teresita to Safeway. Then home. Worked on loan application in p.m. Get very excited about it. Have trouble falling asleep.

May 28 dream:  Try to order lunch at popular Italian resto. Can’t find order sheet.

May 28 dream:  Guy gets kicked off team. Boss says he can be reinstated in 6 days if he becomes a Lakers fan.

May 28 dream:  Riding in car with Michael Moore, Bob Labansat and others. Something Michael said about the nature of reality moved me to tears. Then I noticed guy driving had his eyes, nose and mouth in the back of his head. He was looking right at me though we seemed to be riding forward. Later saw a bunch of people sitting on an I-beam. Knew they were people we would be running into in the future.

May 27, 2020:  Fire alarm in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Go to CVS. Creightons. Had hot apple cider. Catch myself pouting ’cause it’s still not something I can drink without side effects. Go to M.S. Checkout girl very smiley with her eyes. (She was wearing a mask.) Then boyo M.S. worker standing outside looking at me all hot and seductive. Walk down Teresita. Very cute little Asian girl outside her house, cutting flowers, smiles at me. Later another cute little girl climbing on statue in S.P. smiles at me. Walk home. Aion YT in p.m. idea: What is the story of my pain?

May 27 dream:  Cleaning out the coffee pot. (h.o.)

May 27 dream:  Dad and mom arrive home. I turn on lights just as they arrive. Dad kisses Tom and me. Says he wants to talk about our teeth. (h.o.) Hear cat purring.

May 27 dream:  Standing up to bully at work. He goes on to bully somebody else. The building feels like it’s about to fall down.

May 26, 2020:  Two single-ring calls at about 1 p.m. (*Relates to hawk on Casitas hier?) Get email from Brandon about letter to Sanders campaign. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Took new route down. CVS. Lady at Creightons excited to see me. (*Relates to 2nd hawk from hier?) Walk down Teresita to home.

May 26 dream:  Going thru clothes, I tell Mary L. that the jacket is reversible. She says, “So am I.”

May 26 dream:  Buy a convertible for $400 down. Offer to my father to pay rent on a partial, monthly basis ’til I move out.

May 25, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk on Casitas. Two shirtless guys on Mt.D. Tall dark-haired gay guy on Mt.D. Distant hawk at Creightons. Walk down Teresita to liquor store on Monterey. Guy without mask pulls his shirt up to cover his face, exposing his stomach. Walk home.

May 25 dream:  About to sign timesheet and get paid.

May 24, 2020:  Wake up thinking about my NorCal friend from Pillsbury, Madison & Sutro in the ’80s. Insight: Hoping others will do the right thing really means I’m hoping that I’ll do the right thing. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then Creightons. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Walk home. Cute woman W.F. worker on my way in. At first, I thought she was a guy. On closer inspection, she was a girl. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Power and influence can be obtained through dishonesty and deception. My conclusion: Truth is the only cause, the only effect; infinite, truthful, honest, honorable possession already in hand, always at hand; nobody’s fool.

May 24 dream:  Instructing my replacement how to do my old job. (h.o.)

May 24 dream:  Me and other guy on a Navy oil ship, loaded with fuel. The waters were choppy and we were underway, low in the water. Guy says: “I’m pretty sure we won’t flip over.” Heard a strange noise.

May 24 dream:  November 21, 1934?

May 24 dream:  Sitting with group of millennials.

May 24 dream:  Philadelphia.

May 24 dream:  Walk up Market Street after being away for a while. Try to avoid seedy parts. Run into several people I used to know. Guy jokes, “All former monks.” I say: “Or will be again.” Then run into Bob Labansat and we hug and I start crying.

May 23, 2020:  Three more calls from same crank caller as hier, only this time on my landline. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Couple with child take path I usually take so I go another way to the top. When I see them on top, the child is no longer with them. Go to M.S. My white worker friend there flirting with girl, along with other guy. Go to Creightons. Get hot chocolate (*Relates to 2nd dream of May 16, I think.) Walk down Teresita to S.P. Caution tape still up. (*Relates to cute, young Filipino guy on Foerster?) Start work on VA pre-approval loan. Find “Hope I didn’t hurt you” rock. It was under a chair.

May 23 dream:  “The house looks really good,” I tell Harriet. And it does. (h.o.)

May 23 dream:  Walking with Bob M., I ask him if The Prosperos should move from S.F. to L.A.?

May 23 dream:  “Did the purpose of gays begin with Shiloh Salaam in the 15th century?” guy asks, walking back after big parade. I had to return ten plastic bins which were called “jail cells.” Only had four with me at the time. Realized it would probably be a madhouse there at the return place.

May 23 dream:  Getting on bus, realizing I have a lot of grief, maybe overwhelming grief, to let go of. Very short woman gets on bus, pushing ahead of me.

May 22, 2020:  Wake up around 7:30 a.m., remembering the time I ran into Cree at a Gay Pride parade in S.F. Posted bio on the BB about guy who raped and murdered hundreds of men about 100 years ago. Took nap from noon to 2ish, interrupted three times by crank caller. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Guy tries to cut in front of me at CVS. I call him on it. He backs down. Creightons. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Get in another fight about guy trying to cut in line at deli. He says that I just got there. I say: “That’s bullshit.” Later deli guy calls on me before him and he walks off. Caution tape at S.P. (*Relates to guy sitting in sun a few steps later.) Break glass in p.m.

May 22 dream:  In Jewish country, decide not to hide who we are. (h.o.)

May 22 dream:  Bullet shaped cars crashing into each other just outside my window. I’m enjoying it but don’t want to e seen enjoying it.

May 22 dream:  Two elephants bearing down on us on trail. I wake up briefly to avoid them.

May 22 dream:  Getting ready to do the backstroke in swimming pool. The water is beautiful and just the right temperature.

May 21, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. Mario there, but I go to other checkout. Then Creightons. Walk down Teresita. Cute, young, effeminate guy talking loudly on cellphone. I let him pass. Then decide to follow him. I lose him but happen across him again on Bella Vista off the phone, walking towards me and somewhat chastened. Walk home.

May 21 dream:  It’s 11:30 a.m. and the resto I just worked at needs a waiter. I think: “I’ll work for an hour.” Guy throwing up dead fish in corner.

May 20, 2020:  Get up about 7:30 a.m., early for me. (*Relates to single-ring call at about 9 a.m., I think.) Post BB blog: “Dizzy, Jesus and Group Dynamics.” Take a nap from 12:30 to 2:45 or so. Email Brandon and others, asking for copy of the Bernie letter sent to Bernie campaign. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Mt.D. Black car on Casitas Avenue appears and then apparently disappears when I look again. Mt.D. Annoying guy at CVS. Same annoying guy at Creightons, but he had them reopen for me. Walk Teresita home. In p.m. feel bad about emailing management about Apt. 429 and writing blog about Hanz.

May 20 nap dream:  Tom O. and I in car. He’s driving. He asks me to roll my window down. I forget. Then he jokes about it, smiling at me. I think: I could kiss those lips.

May 20 dream:  At camp for a few more days, living out of my suitcase. Net up was swimming. Strange guy wanders in and settles down next to me. I look thru the clothes I have and realize they’re all too small. Will have to wash my clothes at least once more before leaving camp.

May 20 dream:  Scary dreams just have to be replaced by video of the London underground?

May 19, 2020:  Get email from Brandon that our open letter to Bernie was approved by SF Berniecrats board. Also email from Pam R. re death of Carol Carter. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Mario at CVS. I go to other cashier. Creightons. Walk Teresita home.

May 18, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then Mario at CVS. Find out he goes to CCSF and still lives with his parents in Glen Park. Then on to Creightons. Lady there is apologetic for overcooked, brittle chocolate chip cookie. She gives me oatmeal cookie for free in front of her boss, I think. (*Relates to hawk at S.P. hier?) Stop by Safeway briefly. See Myka out of corner of my eye. Take photo of guy walking his dogs, from behind. Upstairs neighbors start “construction work” at 2:04 a.m. I try out my new sleeping cot in the bathroom and email management.

May 18 dream:  People, mostly women, swimming in a pool.

May 18 dream:  Filling out application for job which I have 15 minutes to get to.

May 17, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. No Sunday paper at CVS. Go to Creightons. Walk down Teresita to S.P. Big close hawk at S.P. Later crow attacks it. Go to Safeway for Sunday paper. Talk with Myka briefly. Walk home. Run into stunningly beautiful, long-haired young homeless guy on steps down to Unity Plaza. He has his suitcase open and he’s sitting with his pants down to his knees, though he has boxers on. He smiles up at me with a beautiful, innocent, seductive, kind smile. I say: “Looks like you are all settled in.” He smiles. I say: “Do you need anything?” He says: “Do you have any spare money?” I give him $20. (*Relates to last dream of May 16?) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Transitions are accelerating and intelligent adaptation cannot keep up. My conclusion: True intelligence is the ability to see the obvious Truth everywhere, every place: quick, alive, animated, sprightly, saucy, lively, lovely, fit, fitting, appropriate, always in tune with its nature, always in tune with its nurture.

May 17 dream:  Visit get-together with Grandma Smith and others.

May 17 dream:  Order 40 desserts at $40 a piece. Tell the baker to please stop at 40.

May 17 dream:  Thane visits center. We pass a new online rule. I take a break from exercising. Then rejoin the “the Chippendale,” one partner on the floor pushing up with his legs to the other partner.

May 16, 2020:  Some guy calls up and says they’re going to turn off my PG&E in an hour unless I go to a local 7-11 and pay them some $400. Pick up sleeping cot and figure out how to set it up. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. Then Creightons. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. No more lines to get in. Woman at Safeway assumes I should be attracted to her. Makes me mad. Run into Jun on Monterey afterwards. (*Relates to “Expect the Unexpected” from earlier today?) Walk home.

May 16 dream:  Someone wants me to endorse something and I’m involved in doing that.

May 16 dream:  My boyfriend want to go out with me in public except not to dances put on by group which wants to hurt him. Surprised he admits he’s my boyfriend. I’m drinking too sweet chocolate drink.

May 16 dream:  Took wrong train. Girl gets off and lays down at fireplace, having invited me join her. I think I should and attempt to do so.

May 15, 2020:  Talk to VA Home Loans. They say I have the highest credit rate possible. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Dark-haired guy and his nice dog on top. CVS. Very cute worker at M.S. I wolf-whistle at him. Older Asian guy worker there greets me like I’m an old friend. Creightons. Teresita to S.P. Nice guy with his friendly little boy. Walk home. Mean/ugly young Asian guy sitting in car outside my doorway. I think it’s Yuto.

May 15 dream:  Go looking for my jacket and wallet which I left behind while looking for place to pee on large indoor pier.

May 15 dream:  I am in hotel room with my father. Black female nurse from the East Bay stops by to tell me about her working conditions.

May 14, 2020:  Turn in BMR application in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. See “Encinitas” on car. Wonder if that’s a sign I should move to Ensenada like I looked into way back in the ’60s. Realized I was just trying to run away then. Same probably with my looking into moving to Santa Cruz or Guerneville. (*Relates to owl from hier?) Beautiful young guy and his dog on Mt.D. I say: “Nice dog.” He says: “Thanks” and smiles. (*Relates to hawk at Sunnyside Playground hier, I think.) CVS. Creightons. Walk down Teresita to S.P. Cute guy checking out his cellphone as I look on in admiration. (*Relates to rooster on Flood from hier, I think.) Hear owl on Gennessee Street on way home. Fire alarm in p.m.

May 14 dream:  Using my 75th birthday website as a way to catch criminal.

May 14 dream:  Taking a shit naked. Others before and after me. As I leave all kinds of shit comes back up. I say: “I didn’t shit all that much.” I try to flush it again and it only partially works.

May 14 dream:  Getting ready to give a talk. I just woke up. Ana and John I. In the room. Glad Cenk is not there to see me wake up so late.

May 13, 2020:  Work on BRM application. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Mt.D. “Heart attack” on reaching peak. Hear owl. Then Starbucks. Down Teresita. Hawk at Sunnyside Playground. Hear rooster on Flood Avenue.

May 13 dream:  A boil on my leg.

May 13 dream:  Trying to help someone download something.

May 13 dream:  Trying to get back to the city via public transportation. Big tree with mud surrounding it. Trolleys not labeled well.

May 12, 2020:  Call Bay Federal Credit Union. They email me application which leads me back to asking for an application. Getting bad vibes about this move. Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. Then Creightons. Then Teresita home. Brandon sends out “Bernie letter” to the three of us who were interested in working on it. I put it on Google docs. Send email b-card to Laurie.

May 12 dream:  Running thru the house, Tom’s dog attempts to stop me. I tell him to back off. Security guy brags about boffing girl from neighboring Switzerland. (h.o.)

May 12 dream:  Filming movie in background. Obama there. Also cockroaches I hear. I’m trying to put on my pants.

May 12 dream:  Guy at art gallery puts up new piece. Asks me if he can put up one of my pieces across from it. I say: “Yes, I think it would look nice there.” Mine is in black and white. The other pieces is like a shiny black onyx slab.

May 11, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Drop off shoes for repair. Walk to Mt.D. Translate “home” in my head. Mario at CVS. Then M.S. Then Creightons. Walk down Teresita. Run into Sky and her boyfriend. Rush to pick up my shoes. They look great. Email Jessica about some mobile homes in Santa Cruz.

May 10, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth. Feel a shit coming on. Rush home. Take shit. (*Relates to J. reading about himself from my diary of May 9, I think.) Walk up Frida Kahlo to Mt.D. CVS. Creightons. Down Teresita. Jun’s salon closed ’til May 30. Go to Safeway. Myka there. Translation group in p.m. Sarah Flynn joined us. Sense testimony: Current systems are unable to support safe survival needs. My conclusion: The structure/system of Truth is now and forever in place, always appropriate, self-sustaining, weightless, uncastrated, entire, safe, whole, untouched, unbroken, untamed, unspoiled, inviolate, intact, unflawed, unscathed, unharmed, unimpaired, undamaged, and all that is needed.

May 9, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Question when my relationship with J. will end. Remember Rosa Parks dream which says that the relationship will end after the final two games (in Miami and Washington D.C.). Since these two games, I think, represent political corruption (the fall of Bernie) and biological corruption (the Covid-19 crisis), the relationship with J. will end when these two crises end. And then I can finish my book. (And start my new life.) Walk down Teresita. Bee flies into my right eyelid. Pass Jun’s salon. His windows are covered over with plastic from the inside. Somebody is walking in. I walk on. Get surprise package notice in my email. I rush over to package bins and, Voila!, it’s my lease renewal application for next year. View wonderful video on dealing with a narcissist. I posted on the BB. Tough night getting to sleep as upstairs neighbor is running around.

May 9 dream:  I am given some kind of diagnosis where my food doesn’t work. Doc asks me about fasting. I say that I don’t fast.

May 8, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Find out the name of my upstairs neighbor on package in mail room. Walk to Mt.D. Realize my compulsion to look for a new place is not a function of my Truth being. It’s an addiction. So I knock it off. Go to CVS. Creightons. Follow guy with cute butt to O’Shaughnessy and Portola. See smiling bicyclist at stop light. I mentally caressed him in his skin-tight cycling outfit. Half block later I realized he was the reason I was guided that way. Go back to Teresita. Found free hangers and clipboard on sidewalk. Jun may have been at his salon but I didn’t go in.

May 8 dream:  Hanging out with Billye T. and her teacher and some students, all women.

May 8 dream:  Swarm of cockroaches, which we always suspected was there.

May 7, 2020:  Happy Birthday/Unbirthday to me! Post “It’s my birthday. No it’s not!” on the BB. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. No Mario at CVS. Creightons. Walk down Teresita to Sunnyside Playground to Beep’s. Adoré not there.

May 7 nap dream:   Hard-on dream.

May 7 dream:  Calvin in one bathroom stall and David Weinman in another. Calvin’s arm is in my stall. I put it back. I say: “You’re always taking up more room than belongs to you.” Tell David he looks very cute. Woman who plays my grandmother in line outside. We laugh. (h.o.)

May 6, 2020:  Sarah calls in a.m. I post “I am Waiting” on BB on her recommendation. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. Then Creightons. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Myka there. When I get home, anonymous message from 4:18 p.m. They pretty much supported my open letter to Bernie Sanders. They will post on Google docs and open to comments with a final decision by the board officers. Also, Nina Turner made guest appearance.

May 6 dream:  “Don’t make it fattening,” one of our family warning to guy having difficulty opening a bottle.

May 5, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Mario at CVS. Creightons. Walk down Teresita. Spent a lot of time in p.m. looking for fantasy places to move to. NY reinstates presidential primary. Erotic thought: Jesus on the cross facing in with his ass partially exposed.

May 5 dream:  Hook up trailer to my Mercedes Benz and drive up very steep (almost vertical) hill. (*Relates to reading my open letter to Bernie at SF Berniecrats meeting on May 6, I think.)

May 4, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. Then Creightons. Seductive Asian guy standing in line in front of M.S. Walk down Teresita. Walk thru Sunnyside Playground. Then down Foerster to Jun’s salon. The door is open. He’s doing a woman’s hair. He asks if I need more masks. I buy 10 more masks for $10 (*Relates to distant hawk over Mt.D. hier?) Walk home. Hear on TV movie: “Today’s the big day when everything changes.”

May 4 dream:  Rewriting equations to make them more readable and understandable.

May 4 dream:  Touchable guy in white T-shirt tells me about pill Thane gave him.

May 4 dream:  Guy shares taco with apple and cheese with me.

May 3, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then on to CVS and Creightons. Then down Teresita. Interesting guys coming out of house I found interesting a few days earlier. Hawk circling Mt. D. Cute little boy on tricycle saying, “Whoo-Hoo!” Hot guy just as I arrive home. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) Does the $1,200 I got from IRS have deeper significance? Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Recovery to normality is urgent for sake of physical, mental, and economic health. My conclusion: The norm of Truth is infinite, limitless ability; the nature of Truth is birthless, deathless Cosmic intention; Truth leaps for joy in self-evident expectation of prosperity.

May 3 dream:  I say of my workmate, “She’s crazy.” And I think she really is.

May 3 dream:  Going back to visit people I used to know in S.F.

May 2, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then to Creightons. Then to M.S. My white M.S. worker there. Go back to CVS. Then down Teresita. Hawk overhead at Sunnyside Playground. Then home. Found stone on sidewalk of CCSF campus three days ago. It had a caricature of an alien on one side and on the other side it said: “Hope I didn’t hurt you.” I picked it up and kept it. Now can’t remember where I put it. But I think it may have been a message from my father. Upstairs neighbor has party ’til 2 a.m.

May 2 dream:  Read short book I wrote many years ago. Not bad. At end is a pop-out yoga gadget.

May 1, 2020:  Do bills and monthly BB. IRS gives me $1,200! In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Beautiful dark-haired girl with her daughter on Mt.D. Guy on Chaves who I ran into later at Creightons. Beautiful guy at CVS. I kinda cruised him. My white M.S. worker friend in the M.S. parking lot. See CVS guy skateboarding by. Talk myself into following him. Turns out it’s Dan (the potter) from 18th & Castro. He recognized me before I recognized him. It was nice seeing him again. (*Relates to two hawks hier on Teresita, I think.) He catches #44. I continue down Teresita. Hawk circles very close at Sunnyside Playground. Go to Safeway. Walk home. Forgot bag I left behind so I walk back and get it.

May 1 dream:  Woman said something about two bills. Not sure what kind of bills she meant.

May 1 dream:  In a small town, the owner of a bar is often the mayor or other important official.

May 1 dream:  Two hawks soaring, one nearby.

May 1 dream:  Follow Laurie into the shower room. Marilyn Deurell puts some cooked ham in my palm and says: “Feel this.” Then says: “What’s your name again?” I say: “After all these years, you don’t know my name?”

April 30, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. CVS without Mario. Creightons. Walk home via Teresita. Two hawks circling on Teresita. Interesting guy at Foerster who walks down Joost. I turn around to follow him. Then he comes back and walks down Mangels (one block away) instead. Walk home. Email Xlibris to take down The Men in My Life self-published book from 2000. Email Rick Thomas in response to his request for Assembly 2020 feedback. I tell him that when The Prosperos moves away from monarchy (absolute rule by the Executive Council), I would be willing to attend assembly, virtually or otherwise.

April 30 dream:  Almost ready for the rush of the 5,000. (h.o.)

April 30 dream:  Listening to FYL group with John F. Go to 4th floor of 835 Turk Street. There’s a big Bernie group there listening to “Anne,” a song, and studying before their meeting.

April 30 dream:  Ride bus all the way to northern Marin to give a speech. Then forget my notes. Teacher said to stay anyway. I decided to leave. Find bus back for only $1. Had picked up some books which I would have to return somehow.

April 29, 2020:  Jackie Fisher personally calls me asking for contribution. I decline. In ’til 3ish. Was waiting for online Curable program at 3 p.m. which never came on. Walk up Plymouth. Blue bird from hier relates to guy on Plymouth who seemed to be waiting for my arrival. On to Mt.D. Then CVS. No Mario. Creightons. Then cute h.s. guy in tight red track pants. I follow him to h.s. track next door and take his photo from O’Shaughnessy. (*Relates to distant hawk from hier?) Walk home. Overcast day.

April 29 dream:  Can’t remember the name of the guy I worked with for years. Charles? We do our daily video and I can’t remember his name and he’s right there.

April 29 dream:  Playing tennis briefly in very small court. My step-parents offer to play with me but I decline for the moment.

April 29 dream:  Hawk hovering outside my window. Pigeon comes in. I try to scare it away but It doesn’t scare easily. It turns into young guy. I’m not entirely there physically. (Hear scary sound on waking up.)

April 29 dream:  Guy tells other guy: “Be with me and serve the distinguished one.”

April 29 dream:  Everybody in the break room. Girl gives me her half-eaten apply ’cause I deserve it.

April 28, 2020:  Calls in a.m. from an alleged Medicare-related org. Just before I left home they called again. I say “Hello” twice. There is no answer. I put phone down and go on to other things. I hear some noise. I go to phone. I hear rubbing noise. I say: “Are you jerking off?” They hang up immediately. (*Relates to hawk and crows from two days ago, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Blue bird flies toward me and lands next to me on Mangels. On to Mt.D and CVS. Mario there again. I try to get in line so I can get to his checkout station, but guy he’s helping keeps going back and forth for more stuff. So I go to checker next to him. He’s a big young guy. When he leans over, he has big American flag underwear on. As I leave, I say: “I like your underwear.” Go to Creightons. Nice looking guy walks by. I follow him down Ulloa Street to home. Distant hawk and crow over Ingleside. Insight: My father, like my upstairs neighbor (like J.?), thinks rules don’t apply to him. Later in evening, I smelled my father.

April 28 dream:  Bear who looked like man was on exhibit, except patrons were right next to the cage. He even got out of the cage. I pleaded with the director Marilyn to do something about it. She was an older woman who wouldn’t acquiesce. Someone writing a book about it: The Eyes of the Mystery are Upon You.

April 28 dream:  I wave my finished book in hand as I pass Barry Bram (my father?) and head into San Diego looking for the Mexican border.

April 27, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. See Isaiah from W.F. on walking out the door. Walk to Mt.D. Cute h.s. kid talking about after school sports on phone on Mt.D. He doesn’t look at me. Guy on bike on Chaves Avenue in wild shorts. We exchange glances. Mario at CVS. He’s wearing pink gloves. I say: “Pink gloves.” He says: “Yeah, we ran out of the blue ones.” I say: “Pink’s a nice color.” He smiles at me with his eyes. Two guys at M.S. My Asian checkout guy and my friend from April 22 there also. Amazon driver on Teresita who I whoop at. (*Relates to 2 or 3 or more times I saw hawk and crows hier, I think. No. See diary of April 28.) See Isaiah again as I return home. Full circle.

April 27 dream:  Supposed to discuss a white book by Nathaniel Hawthorne with Carol Carter. She just got back to her home (where I was at), getting back from black area near 3rd and Madison. She said I probably wouldn’t like the area, though I was interested.

April 27 dream:  See Mick Jagger at store. Tell him I bought one of his records. He says: “What are the chances of that?” I say it was the one where he was eating things. Wanted to buy fruit-bearing tree for J. He was at the store earlier, but no longer.

April 27 dream:  Guy in my papered-off closet on the phone. Using my phone, I think.

April 26, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. and on to CVS Portola. Had nice interaction with sweet chubby checker. On to Creightons. Then down Teresita. Hawk and crow appears two or three times. See Jun at his hair salon working though sign on door said “Closed Temporarily.” Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Hysteria may make it seem too dangerous to return to economic and personal normalcy. My conclusion: Truth is the unique androgynous norm, is rational consideration, is of one Mind, is hazard-free consciousness, is the only domain, is the surety of all happening, is the manager of the infinite household of consciousness in person. OR: Truth is the rational consideration of the unique androgynous norm in person.

April 26 dream:  Get ready to ask William Fennie for $30 raise in his monthly payment to The Prosperos.

April 26 dream:  Get long rambling letter from Chris Hinrichs. He writes on the inside of the envelope. No pages inside. He may be in Seattle.

April 26 dream:  Barack Obama talking about the first time Ted Cruz was nice to him. Cathy Koslover and I tearing apart an old CD.

April 26 dream:  Aunt Joanne working at gay porn theater. Three auditoriums. I walk thru black section in swim briefs. Black guy says: “I almost jumped you.” Stick my head in small pool. Looking for larger one. Joanne wants someone to return guy’s ring to him. Other guy shows off his abs to Joanne.

April 25, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. No more lights, etc., at top. Then down to Safeway. Guy walking in a with black shirt and lime green shorts who got in line behind me. (*Relates to little boy hier on Teresita with no pants on, I think.) Other cute guy in black there as well. Walk home with groceries.

April 25 dream:  My friend Harry (Jun) visiting the queen. And he’s late.

April 25 dream:  Making a comedy about two guys going across the country, trying to get the girl of his dreams. In the end one of them partially disappears. But I play game with the other one. We joke about the many law we’ve broken to get where we are.

April 25 dream:  Practicing a Shakespeare play in a cafe. Had to be quiet. Trying to figure out where it ends and begins, not to mention what it was about.

April 24, 2020:  Anonymous call at 7:45 a.m. I say: “You’re too early.” In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Guy setting up lights in front of cross for big event? Go to CVS. Then Creightons. See interesting guy in M.S. line with his girlfriend, I assume. On my way out of Creightons, check him out. He checks me out in return. (*Relates to hawk at Teresita and Foerster from hier, I think.) Walk down Teresita. Cute little boy walking around his house without his pants on. His father says: “Why aren’t you wearing any pants?” Boy says: “So can catch the bird.” Then baby hawk? Friendly guy on Foerster on his way into Safeway?

April 24 dream:  Historical Native American leader says he talks to Jesus every night ’cause he knows most of us are Christians and he (the Native American leader) wants us to take care of the land.

April 23, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Mail letters. Cute guy lining up at W.F. Walk to Mt.D. Then to CVS. Then M.S. Cute Asian cashier who I had connected with before. Creightons. Walk down Teresita. Hawk at Teresita and Foerster. Walk home. Call from DLCC got me very fired up. Cleaned bathtub.

April 23 dream:  Trying to start over but only have the first 2 or 3 videos. (h.o.)

April 23 dream:  I start kissing my colleague (continuation of previous dream). He sticks his tongue in first.

April 23 dream:  Mob family trying to deal with COVID-19.

April 22, 2020:  Anonymous call at 9:07 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Go to Mollie Stones. Cute guy who I had previously tried to engage finally responded (*Relates to young hawk from hier, I think.) Then Creightons. Walk down Teresita to home.

April 22 dream:  Gathering all my ID together, including already opened mail. Getting ready to leave the home with one other person, I believe.

April 22 dream:  My full legal name was Hussein Barack Obama. I was an undercover agent.

April 22 dream:  Watching a women’s roller derby event. Girl in tank top sits next to me. I don’t notice her ’til she gets up.

April 21, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Mario not at CVS. Find $1 on the floor. Creightons. Walk down Teresita. Young hawk at Monterey and Foerster. On to Beep’s. Adoré there along with very interesting/sweet girl. (*Relates to dream of March 16 of two cute guys talking to me at the same time, I think.)

April 21 dream:  People in charge want to know if I have made all the payments before the project can begin.

April 20, 2020:  RHS my father when he asked, “Do you think this is a big lie [referring to the family]?” Yes, of course it was a lie. But I was also living a lie. Ever since I was a child. My lie was that I really didn’t belong here and so I had to lie to fit in. So my father was out-picturing a lie just like I was living a lie. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Mario at CVS. Starbucks reopens. Torn between Starbucks and Creightons right next door. (*Relates to 1st dream of March 16 of two cute guys talking to me at the same time, I think. No. See diary of April 21.) Walk down Teresita to Beep’s. Adoré not there. Then he is. My neighbor lady knocks on my door again, checking on me.

April 20 dream:  Just as I got everything straightened out and I was comparing my two flashlights, there was a knock on my cabin door. I hid. Then opened it. It was my parents(?) and someone else. We were on a ship. I was captain, I think.

April 20 dream:  In Santa Cruz trying to find ride back to S.F. for meeting. Alan Dunstan there. He had given me a heavy key to hold. Also Valerie and Diane Robison from high school.

April 19, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. Tried to talk with cute cashier there. His female co-worker interrupted us. Then Creightons. Walk down Teresita. Jun’s salon door open. I go in. I say: “Are you open again?” He says: “Sit down and I will talk to you later.” He finishes his second haircut. He gives me ten masks for $10. Then his wife called. Walked home. Jun drove by in his car. OccupySF website hits over 40,000 clicks on Sunday. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Political and cultural insanity can impair our ability to move/breathe/interact freely. My conclusion: Truth is political and cultural sanity, sanitary in thought and manifestation, limitless ability, limitless freedom, limitless love, limitless friendship, all that is effecting all that does, all inspiration without expiration.

April 19, 2020:  Involved in group train. One volunteer was matched with a goat in his bed.

April 18, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Go to Crieighton’s. Walk down Teresita to Safeway. Not too bad. Waved at Myka as I left. Walk home with groceries. Health drink I bought at Safeway explodes as I open it.

April 18:  Night sweats.

April 18 dream:  Walking with Melissa across the street. She goes off. Gang of guys I thought dangerous help someone move their car.

April 17, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Overcast day. Gay guy at CVS being very nice to me. Creightons. Walk home. Nothing spectacular on April 17 as dream of April 6 seemed to indicate.

April 17 dream:  At office about to give a prize to some people for their efforts. Can’t find the prizes. Am walking around on my knees for some reason. I’m young and good looking. My office mates are older. (h.o.)

April 17 dream:  Spending a lot of time with Kamala Harris.

April 17 dream:  The family goes on a tour of an Italian law school offered by some very big, fat Italian police. I say “Fuck you” to them. Then apologize. Then walk home

April 16, 2020:  Call from 415 area code. (*Relates to hawk in tree on Mt.D. from hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk by W.F. line. Originally attracted by one guy. But turns out he was a decoy for another guy further down in line who seemed to be waiting for me to notice him, which I did. (*Relates to hawk on Molimo from hier, I think.) Walk to Mt.D. Then CVS. My masked Asian friend not there. Creightons. Then down Teresita. Go to same tennis courts as hier. Nobody there. Continue home. Work on MSM Chapter 27. See dreaded white screen in p.m.

April 16 dream:  Two guys I like. Both talking to me at the same time.

April 16 dream:  Just rode elevator up to high floor in office building. Big earthquake. Building seemed to turn 180 degrees or so. I tried to calm scared woman.

April 16 dream:  Trying to find a pair of matching shoes for a party. I had one gray shoe and one two-toned leather shoe. Went up to Calvin’s apartment to look. It had no furniture in it.

April 15, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk flies into tree? Joke with my masked Asian friend at CVS about calling the CDC and telling them to call off the crisis. Guy running with two women. He likes my Bernie T-shirt. Walk up Sequoia to tennis courts. Two shirtless guys stretching. I took photo of them from behind. (*Relates to swooping hawk from hier?) Continue downhill. Hawk near Molimo. See runner and two women again. Walk thru CCSF. Older guy apparently harassing young guy, his sister and mother. So I follow them to make sure they’re okay. Then son puts his arm around the older guy.

April 15 dream:  Being part of the . . . alternative in Italy in 2014?

April 15 dream:  Cute little girl comes into Tom’s and my life.

April 15 dream:  Melissa and I and somebody else go to this guy’s church. She drives. He talks about headaches at the end of the service. I get mad, thinking he’s just planting ideas in people’s heads. I wait for Melissa to get ride home. She’s not upset though she says she needs to get a milk refill.

April 14, 2020:  Get up at 7 a.m.-ish instead of my usual 9 a.m. or so. View post from Bob of Occupy about epidemiologist who thinks we have over-reacted to COVID-19. Made me feel vindicated. Took 1-1/2 hour nap. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk on top diving down with talons extended. Other woman saw it, too. Significant eye contact with my masked Asian friend at CVS. Latte at Creightons. Chronicle at M.S. Walk down Teresita. Someone playing conch shell horn. Go to Safeway. See Myka. Walk home. Tape BB Episode #3 sharing my insight about a possible breeched birth for the Democratic Party.

April 14 dream:  The word: Aiden.

April 14 dream:  Hear my alarm go off like one ring of a phone call.

April 14 dream:  Getting up in the darkness in the middle of the night, feeling my way to the sink. Was still sleeping. Someone asks if I am wearing her T-shirt, which I am. She goes to get another one for me to wear so she can have the one I’m wearing. At a kind of Prosperos camp.

April 14 dream:  Young man reading something to an audience. Later in print we discuss the forbidden topic of being paid.

April 14 dream:  Had to rent a motel room for the night. Refrigerator was extra. Also I rented a duck who was supposed to stay in a pen just under where another couple were sleeping. But it was a big duck, so it just stepped out of the pen.

April 13, 2020:  Bernie endorses Biden. I take 2 hour nap. In ’til 4ish. Guy in line at W.F. Just as I’m about to walk by him, somebody from W.F. takes him inside. Walk to Mt.D. and back. Stop at Beep’s. See and talk with Adoré. (*Relates to hawks from hier, I think.) As I pick up my food from Adoré, woman steps within the 6′ limit. But then so did Adoré and I. Worked on MSM Chapters 26 & 27. Also BB Episode #2.

April 13 dream:  Making final decisions about decorations. (h.o.)

April 13 dream:  10 people stop by to visit. They are in three different cars. In the first car a couple are trying to write a novel. I tell them they need some fresh air. But they have many sheets of paper already written.

April 13 dream:  Harvey Korman objects to all the political correctness of the new generation.

April 13 nap dream:  Visit friend I . . . . He’s not handsome on the outside but he is handsome on the inside. We watched an old ’50s TV show complete with commercials. It was great. He said: “I have to go. Malik is coming over.” I felt I could really fall in love with this guy.

April 12, 2020:  Happy Easter! In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then Creightons. Cute J-like guy comes in. I wait for him to come out. He drives away in a car with “AUEAGLE” license plate. Golden eagle? Two hawks on Teresita. One pretty close. See Jun and his wife entering their salon. Do my first BB video post called “Is Biden REALLY the presumptive nominee?” Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People’s lives can be impacted by hidden hostile forces that use our vulnerability for their own agenda. My conclusion: Truth, all life, a known and friendly force, has no enemies, foreign or domestic, can only impact Itself harmoniously as it fulfills Its agenda/pact of being Itself.

April 12 dream:  Something about an ape.

April 12 dream:  Guy and his dog that’s nasty. I don’t want his apartment. I stand near policeman with his dog.

April 12 dream:  Have to take shit. Go on empty bus with nothing but a toilet. Then don’t have to to go. Ratso Rizzo (Dustin Hoffman), older and worn out, comes by. We were old friends.

April 11, 2020:  Neighbor from across the hall rings my doorbell to see if I’m alright. Hadn’t engaged with her since I first moved in 7-1/2 years ago and we got in a fight and I gave her the finger. I touched my hand to my face when talking with her. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Guy on my way up telling his son: “Slower. Slower.” Then Creightons. Nice lady there. Walk down Teresita. Discover Los Palmos Community Garden. Walk home. Roof reconstruction crew on Foerster. Watched Wayne Dyer/Eckhart Tolle video in p.m.

April 11 dream:  Getting ready to leave place where I had worked with Al H.

April 11 dream:  At house in England. Neighborhood is on watch for criminal actors(?). I am sleeping in my brother’s bed. He’s not happy about it. I get up to help both my brothers. I go downstairs. Tenants are returning to their apts. Little girl offers me $1. Later realize she lives there. Address mentioned is 1138 Christ.

April 11 dream:  Woman at table with other women. She’s furious about my lies, especially the lie of last month.

April 10, 2020:  Get up early to work on letter to Biden from SF Berniecrats. Here it is: Dear Vice President Biden: We call on you to withdraw your name for nomination for President.  With all due respect, your appearance, if not the reality, of oncoming dementia is not an acceptable face for the Democratic Party to present in November. Your withdrawal will free up your delegates to vote for whom they choose and will allow all the other candidates to de-suspend their campaigns if they so wish. The state elections can and must continue in a safe manner through the summer, leading to a virtual or actual convention at a later date. We realize this is a tremendous ‘ask,’ but the Democratic Party needs a standard bearer who will inspire confidence that the reigns of the government will be in steady hands in this time of national crisis.  And you simply do not inspire that confidence. Respectfully, San Francisco Berniecrats. Then went back to bed ’til 10:30 a.m. or so. Stayed in ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Reach top step and guys says: “You made it.” Latte/cookie at Creightons. Walk down Teresita. Cute young bicyclist I hoot at. Then well-built guy in his front garden I turn around for. Get call from (628) 777-2357. (*Relates to hawk from hier on Teresita?) Go to Safeway. Get accused twice of stepping out of line. Cute, tall, young guys behind me in line. Walk home with grocery bags in hand since #43 has been discontinued. Mary L. (from Berniecrats) returns my call. (*Zoe dog from hier relates not to Zoe herself but to her “master,” Brandon, who dismissed my letter to Biden as not acceptable, I think.)

April 10 dream:  Guy running in desert to meet his new master. He tells his mother so she’ll get off cart, but she hangs on.

April 10 dream:  Typing up a contract. Have to use old Georgia-Pacific contract as the basis. Will work ’til 7 p.m. There will be a drill when one person stays behind in the office. Guy on the floor with one leg cut off.

April 9, 2020:  Spider bite last night on my left leg? Call Mary L. She didn’t call back. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. At peak dog named Zoe barks at me. (*Relates to Zoe from SF Berniecrats who is supposed to be working with me on a letter to the Biden campaign ?) Homeless woman in red tarp on a wheelchair on side path on Mt.D. I thought it was a pile of garbage ’til she turned around and smiled at me. Latte/croissant at Creightons Walk down Teresita. Hawk near John Pinkerton’s place. Walk home. No more #36 or #43 buses for the moment.

April 9 dream:  You have to be respectful to the people moving you out, but at the same time, they cannot be pedophiles. (h.o.)

April 9 dream:  YouTube of Covid cure. (h.o.)

April 9 dream:  Greasy coffee-making gadgets on the wall of my apartment, that don’t work or have never been used.

April 9 dream:  Went over to my young friend’s place. He was getting money to see someone else. Later I am with a baby bear in my purse, talking to somebody like Crocodile Dundee.

April 9 dream:  On “Celebrity Day” guys at table next to me joke: “I want to make a revolution with Michael.”

April 8, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up Plymouth to Mt.D. Cute young guy walking his blue-eyed dog on Chaves Avenue. Latte/cookie at Creightons. Mollie worker greets me. Walk down Teresita. Jun still closed. Walk home. Stop by Beep’s. Adoré there. He’s happy to see me. Online Berniecrats meeting in p.m. Felt myself blush when Brandon was nice to me.

April 8 dream:  I was in house alone trying to get ready. Chose shirt with rusty hanger. When they got home, guy says: “Is that the way Bernie likes it?” I say: “No, just black. I don’t know what Biden likes.”

April 7, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Nice day. Walk to Mt.D. (Guy with 2 dogs on Plymouth cruises me.) Then on to Portola shopping center. Latte/cookie at Creightons. #36 to Monterey. Jun’s salon still closed. Walk home. Think I’ll stop by Beep’s as long as there is no line for orders. Really psyched myself up about seeing Adoré again. Two crazy black guys (well, one crazy black guy and another uncrazy black guy) in order line. Took this as sign I needed to pass for today. Insight: Reconnected political corruption (Biden winning) with biological corruption (COVID-19). Final simultaneous two games in my Rosa Parks dream are these two elements?(*Relates to finding $4 on the sidewalk hier?)

April 7 dream:  Big hard-on dream. Playing Bernie record.

April 7 dream:  Tom O. sitting behind me in class. Bothering me more and more.

April 7 dream:  Guy at work asks me to mock marry him. Gives me plastic ring. Also, Mark Pelkey calls me at work wondering where I am.

April 7 dream:  X’mas party at work.

April 6, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Sort of rainy day. Walk to 7-11 and back to Target. I didn’t intend on going in, but the greeter was so cute and sweet and friendly, I couldn’t resist. Bought some socks. Went to Java Hut for latte. Came back to Target ’cause I felt I needed more connection with the greeter there. Found $4 on the sidewalk on the way. Asked greeter if they had more masks. He said: “No. They’re giving most of the masks to the hospitals.” I say: “Right.” Try to walk to Mt.D. It’s too rainy. Nice young red-haired boy walking his red-haired dog on Faxon. Walk home. Debate going to Beep’s. Decide to. Adoré is there. Guy at window says: “I’m taking off.” Then he asks for my order. I say: “I thought you were taking off.” He and Adoré talk. Then he jokes to me: “Do you want me to beat him up?” I say: “Yes.”

April 6 dream:  Go to school at night. Meet shirtless gay man and later see him as I leave the school and wait for the bus. I think I’ve met two different people. Guy gives me something to eat with my sandwich.

April 6 dream:  The words “17TH OF APRIL”

April 6 dream:  Someone says:  “I know how to keep this thing moving.”

April 6 dream:  Called my stepmother. Knew she was going to kick me out, but I wanted her to say the words.

April 6 dream:  Trying to buy swim suits with Tom. He playfully hides all the good ones. Then I choose two to try on. Can’t find dressing room. Finally find beat-up restroom. Guy comes in and want to use toilet. He notices there is a ham in the toilet. Ants are beginning to swarm on my leg. I ask woman: “Do you wash hands?” She says: “Yeah. Do you think we are crazy?” I say: “Yes.”

April 5, 2020:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Portola shopping center. Rain threatening. Woman at CVS checkout stand made me wait ’til she felt like she’d been there long enough. Nobody was going to push her around, Corona or no Corona. #43 home. Everybody trying to sit 6 feet apart. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Intentional terror may use viruses or fear as weapons for mass disruption. My conclusion: Truth, the Finished Kingdom, incorruptible, irreverent, unbreakably whole, having dominion over all, uses Itself in all ways, at all times with whatever tool is at hand. Richard Branam: “Constructs of the Abstract.” Watch How to Murder Your Wife on YouTube. Think of cute young guy I met a few weeks ago on Muni subway with my Bernie standee.

April 5 dream:  Going thru German backyard instead the one we paid for. Lying to get in and out. The new side had a cute young guy in white T-shirt at the end.

April 5 dream:  Was in bed trying to wake up. I had to struggle to wake up.

April 5 dream:  Go to yoga class. Thane opens the door for me. Clair Gold there. Thane there twice, I think. Everyone is in white except me. Later at another school, they are not in on Friday. So, the account is closed. But I’ve decided to work there. Woman from school sees me. I am on the verge of tears.

April 4, 2020:  In ’til 2ish. Rainy day. Walk to Safeway. Everybody lined up 6 feet apart. Myka and co-worker guiding people in and wiping off all the carts. They both were in a very festive mood. People trying to stay out of each other’s way. I was kind of hyper as left. Black guy came up to me. I thought he wanted my cart. I said: “As soon as I get my stuff out.” Turned out he just wanted to know if I was getting in line again. Anyhow, a moment of politeness that made me happy. Had Beyond Burger in p.m. They’re really good.

April 4 dream:  Trying to skate on wet road. Only it’s not wet enough. Couple of ice skaters skate by. One may be Melissa. (h.o.)

April 4 dream:  Local Prosperos week-day convention which I attend even though I don’t consider myself active in The Prosperos.

April 4 dream:  Preparing and serving and eating some really good food.

April 3, 2020:  Worked on MSM Chapters 22-25. Insight: Just like in our own work on ourselves, the political consciousness needs to work on itself. That is, the more we are aware of the total picture of things, whether individually or as a society, the healthier we will be. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Portola shopping center. See beautiful man with his girlfriend He ignores me. Latte/cookie at Creightons. Walk to Mt.D. See same guy and his gal just behind me on the path. This time he can’t ignore me. Realized that the the Dallas football game and that the simultaneous football games in Miami and Washington D.C. from my Rosa Parks dream of 1995 probably relate, respectively, to my back going out in 2019 and the COVID epidemic in 2020. It was my back going out which led me to really unearth my father’s sexual abuse of me consciously. And it was the pandemic which led me to unearth my unconscious reaction to it, which was outright panic. My world’s falling apart. I don’t know what to do. Where to turn. Which I experienced at the VA on March 28. Then I connected the fear of my world falling apart with my father’s rape of me to my fear of the world falling apart with the Coronavirus pandemic.

April 3 dream:  Painting of the crisis. (h.o.)

April 3 dream:  Other hard-on dream.

April 2, 2020:  Anonymous call at 9 a.m.-ish. Another anonymous call at 2:50 p.m.-ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. “Bug Gulp” on Ocean. Stop at Creightons for latte/muffin. Walk to Mt.D. See guy on top who I felt I needed to follow. So I follow him down path I don’t normally take. He turns around. I keep going. Run into young man with girl and dog. He’s beautiful. I admire him. He smiles wildly. Then takes off his outer shirt, revealing his body briefly. I think at first he’s smiling at something his girlfriend said. Later realize he was smiling in response to me. Walk to Monterey. #43 home. Stop by Beep’s. Adoré waits on me. He tells me he’s been using his spare time to learn Cambodian (his native language) and Japanese where he will be visiting for two weeks later this year. He commutes to and from Stockton where he lives.

April 2 dream:  Running up empty Market Street in S.F. Guy asks someone about donation. Guy says, “Oh, you’ll have to ask my wife about that.”

April 1, 2020:  Monthly BB. Call for COVID-19 insights. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. And then Portola. Woman in massive face mask at CVS gets manic when I try to get behind her in line. There’s a difference between cautiousness and paranoia. Latte at Creightons. Hawk/crows and Dad and son pick up plastic bag on the ground as I wait for #43. Insight: Shaking at VA after CT scan relates to being with my being with my father in his bed back in ’55 or so. Following and not understanding doctor’s instructions while lying on my back not knowing what I was supposed to do.

April 1 dream:  Priest fights for his children(?) back ’til his shift is over. Then he lets police have them. (h.o.)

March 31, 2020:  Get up about 4:30 a.m. and have trouble getting back to sleep. Then call about 8:45 a.m. wakes me up. I don’t answer. No message. Get anonymous call at about noon. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Hear owl. Then hear what sounds like J’s voice. It bothers me. Cute bearded guy on bike enters Mt.D. as I exit. Latte at Creightons. Guy in “Warren” T-shirt. We talk briefly. (*Relates to “Perfect” from hier, I think.) #43 home.

March 31 dream:  Meeting with some celebrities. I answer video phone as I leave. Black woman says: “So J.Lo and Katy B have a B.” I say: “I don’t know what that means.” She said it means they have a coffee. Then says something that I don’t hear. I say okay.

March 31 dream:  Move to Huuth (pronounced Heath), Oregon. Very small town. Near Corvallis, which is considered the big city. Go to beautiful Corvallis movie theater. Can’t figure out how to buy tickets or when films start. See two guys I know from Bernie campaign. There is a film about Bernie. They say: “I think he’s going to do it.”

March 30, 2020:  Jerk off in a.m. In ’til 2ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Get call from “Private Number.” I say: “Hello, Private Number.” No response. Walk to Mt.D. Guy with dog on Santa Paula. Older guy in van cruising me later on Santa Paula. Creightons open at Portola shopping center. Get latte and muffin to go. Thinking about sex on Juanita. UPS guy smiles at me. Think of etymology of desire, which is “to cease see something.” Follow guy on Rockdale Drive. He led me to porta-potty which I really desired. Walk to Mt.D. and down. Think about sense testimony: Attachment can sap the life out of us. My conclusion: Truth is all being touching all being, reinforcing Its wholeness/health. As I’m thinking this, beautiful woman in community garden looks up and smiles at me. Catch #43. Same guy on bus who I had passed earlier on Ocean Avenue (meaning I’ve come full circle). See “Perfect.” At Lee, follow guy to Acai R. Get avocado toast to go. Guy at counter was cute, young and friendly, but not to me. (*Relates to “Imperfect” from hier?) Saw YouTube movie It’s a Boy Girl Thing in p.m. Made me cry.

March 30 dream:  Thane and many others at big party. I go to house in the back and get stuck behind some women on a ladder on my way back. I’m counting appellate court listings.

March 29, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Get Sunday paper at Walgreen’s Ocean Avenue. No masks, no gloves by cashiers or customers. Walk to Mt.D. Thinking about the voices from my dreams of March 12, saying “Eventually you’ll give up” and “You’re only got a couple of days.” This is like a schizophrenic hearing voices, only I dreamt them. I realized that those voices came from me and so I’m responsible for them. And I’m telling them to fuck off! This feels like a great breakthrough to me. Realizing I have those kind of voices within me and being able to “cast them out” so to speak. Woman with dog on Mt.D. She’s holding dog down. I say: “Is she afraid of me?” Woman says: “No. She just loves you so much she’d jump all over you.” Nothing open at Portola shopping center. #36 to Safeway. Jun closed due to Covid-19 thru April 7. New bag boy at Safeway. I admire him. He smiles at me as I leave. See “Imperfect” while waiting for #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Attachments can cause infectious disease rather than benevolent transmission of intelligence. My conclusion: I/Truth, Legendary, the only intender, the only doer, the only infector, touches Itself with love, desires nothing, possesses all, transmits Its wellness to Itself effortlessly, automatically, easily. OR: Truth wills wellness.

March 29 dream:  Harriet says I’m working on colonitis. I say I’m not. She points to a bottle of medicine. I can’t find colonitis anywhere on it. She has her hand on my shoulder. We are play fighting. (h.o.)

March 29 dream:  Three drunk women with slippery hands struggle over keys to the house.

March 28, 2020:  Take nap in a.m. Then Sarah calls. Call VA. They pretty much confirm that I don’t have COVID. But nurse thinks I should come in to VA ER check out my heart. So I did. It took about 6 hours. Not many people there. Had two nice nurses, Roni and Nicole. 3rd nurse took me up to get a CT scan. After, I started shaking uncontrollably in my wheelchair. When I left, Nicole and I shook our bare hands. #38, #22 and K home. BTW, my heart is fine.

March 28 nap dream:  Have to get brakes fixed on my car. Also my bike needs fixing. I wonder if I can afford it. Thinking of looking at new apartment. Then dog runs after me and plays with me. I toss it a piece of paper it holds in its mouth. (h.o.)

March 28 dream:  In bed with Richard Hartnett who became Whoppi Goldberg. We were in Philadelphia. We were talking about The Prosperos. She referred to a booklet I had written about The Prosperos. I had forgotten all about it though I, too, had one by my bedside as well.

March 28 dream:  Getting some food at a worksite with lots of cute men who I was less intimidated by than I had been before.

March 27, 2020:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. Give guy on cell phone the finger. Nothing open at Portola. Walk down to W.P. Get $5.95 root beer frozen yogurt. Compliment young lady working in front of C.S. Reading Room: “Keep up the good work.” Take K home. See guy who led me to Beep’s a few times. So went to Beep’s again. Adoré not there. Stand in line for root beer float. Guy walks by the other way. Get call from Shahid’s campaign. Later I realized it might have been J. It kind of sounded like him. Scary black man on way in. He was a tulpas or at least a sign of the scary night I was about to have.

March 27 dream:  People climbing down air shaft in building to escape. I had done that before and decided not to do that this time.

March 27 dream:  I stand up to my family like I stood up the people at school I disagreed with.

March 27 dream:  Man and his daughter greet me third time, this time together and much more friendly. They start telling about how great Bernie is.

March 26, 2020:  Work on my taxes. In ’til 4ish. Walk to W.P. Pick of Tao Te Ching on way. Then to Portola. Get burrito to go. Hawk on way to Mt.D. Then walk and #43 home. Think of going to Beep’s. Then decide to. Houri there. Waiting on me. Find out his name is Adoré, not Houri. He’s very solicitous me when I leave. Offering me hand lotion, etc.

March 26 dream:  4 or 5 people arrive at my house for Monday night tape group when I didn’t expect many.

March 26 dream:  Something about reconnecting plus (+) figure. Like adding something up.

March 26 dream:  Something about Chicago.

March 25, 2020:  Anonymous call at 9:20 a.m. just as I was getting up. I say: “Hello.” No response. I say: “Well, I’m still alive.” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3ish. Viewed great YouTube video on Muscle Shoals. I thought it was a beach movie. It was about rock ‘n roll studio in Alabama where Aretha Franklin (and others) got their groove going. Walk to Mt.D. Nice but cold day. Got warmer the more I walked. Small cafe open for takeout at Portola. #43 home. Sit in back seat. Hugh loogie on railing in front of me. I change seats. Looking for Examiner at Ocean and Lee, I intuitively go to Beep’s. Think maybe Houri is there. Don’t see him. But do see some guy bending over to pick up his dog. He’s cute. He smiles at me admiring him. Go home. Write poem, “O, MyCorona” for BB.

March 25 dream:  A crazy man and woman were walking out the door and I don’t want to entertain them any more. (h.o.)

March 25 dream:  Run into William F. and Al H. Tell William I’ve already watched his film and I won’t be watching it with him.

March 25 dream:  Two male lions and their cub jump out of our apt. building lobby into another apartment across the street. I realize I could use a chair on them if/when they come back. Then guy sets up his organ outside my window and begins playing. I talk to him, then get building manager to talk to him.

March 24, 2020:  Heather calls. Worked on MSM, Chapter 19. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Mt.D. It’s kind of raining. “ASAP” on truck. One-ring call as soon as I reach top. Sun comes out after I reached peak. Then to Mollie Stones. Woman trying to stay 6 feet away from me pisses me off. Later realized I was really mad at myself for being so fearful. She was just out-picturing it for me. #43 home.

March 24 dream:  Guy wants to sell me station wagon with ratty sofas in the back. Wake up with heart pounding.

March 24 dream:  Walking thru beautiful southern California home. Wonder who they stole money from to get it. Open door to room with Jay Leno talking to somebody about the importance of the set-up to a joke. Drop some of what I’m carrying for a 2nd time. Woman offers to help me clean it up.

March 23, 2020:  Get call just as I got out of shower. I say: “John?” Caller hangs up. In ’til 3:15ish. Walk to Mt.D. Cute constructor worker on Los Palmos. He jumps up on rafter to show off his stomach. As I arrived breathless to top step of Mt.D., beautiful man in black and with black hair and a black bike smiles at me. Go to Mollie Stones Portola. J.H.-like guy near meat dept. Nice cashier. Walk back to Mt.D. hoping to see guy in black again. See other guy. He has on T-shirt that says “Unknown.” As soon as I approach, he moves over on the bench he is sitting on as if expecting me to join him. On leaving him I trip and almost fall. But I keep walking and somehow balance myself. See same old couple on Lulu Alley I saw on March 8. Police cars racing on Frida Kahlo as I approach home. View London Real video with David Icke in p.m. Unexpected final 20 minutes in which Icke sounds like Thane. (*Relates to In the Time and Land of Arascus story I wrote 49 years ago about Mobid, who everybody thought was evil, saying the same words as Arascus, who everybody thought was good.)

March 23 dream:  Guy with group who leave their three top hats (two gray, one black) on the sidewalk while they go into store. He asks me how he can get some money. I say: “You might want to use your top hats.” (h.o.)

March 22, 2020:  Online phone banking for Bernie from 1-4 p.m. to voters in N.Y. Final call was to a first-time father in the hospital with his pregnant wife going into labor. He kept me on the line. It appeared to be a breeched birth. I didn’t know what to do. I Translated birth. Heard baby crying. It was a little girl. Then I cried. In ’til about 4 p.m. Then walk to Mt.D. and CVS Portola. Standing in line waiting forever. Then looked behind me to beautiful smiling Asian guy. Starbucks Portola closed for good now. Nice Asian cashier at Mollie Stones. Also sweet black security guard. #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Recovery of value and wellness cannot be shared because of system dislocation. My conclusion: Truth is the one Possessor/Possession sharing Itself with Itself with boundless ability, boundless wellness, the only Place, the only Thing, the only Being.

March 22 dream:  Warren Buffet acting arrogant in bar. My new yellow umbrella handle not working.

March 22 dream:  Two fat men talking about chocolate.

March 21, 2020:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. Lots of people up there. Down to Safeway. Myka gives me $60 cash back which I had not requested. (*Relates to hawk on Amber from hier?)

March 21 dream:  Exiting big building after show with wild animals and lions. One lion was ailing on the ground. Me and couple quickly inched by. We arrived downstairs at place making sandwiches.

March 21 dream:  After an earthquake, woman says to me: “Glad you came back.” I say: “I always come back.”

March 21 dream:  Voice to me in dream: “Eventually you’ll give up.”

March 21 dream:  Another voice: “You’ve only got a couple of days.”

March 21 dream:  My papers all over the floor. Had to pick up something from P.O. Had to do something on Sunday a.m.

March 21 dream:  My sister’s beachfront astrology was taken down, then permitted by the police.

March 20, 2020:  In ’til 1 p.m. or so. K to Rincon. There ’til 3ish. Return to Castro. Then #35 to G.P. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk and crows overhead. Also coyote. Almost trip on step. Then hawk close up on Amber Drive. Translate calm. Man smiles at me midway through. Mollie Stones. Walk to Mt.D. Canoodling couple on Coventry Lane. Go to Jun’s salon. His wife’s there. Remodel job pretty much finished. He gave me a mask to wear and got very insistent that people should wear them. I said that I thought only people who were sick should wear them. He said the CDC says that only because they don’t have enough masks. 60 masks arrived via delivery person while we were there. God, I love him, but he’s wrong. He’s just repeating what he’s heard from other people.

March 20 dream:  Voting between three different choices. (h.o.)

March 20 dream:  In counseling session, I say to 2nd therapist that I have a rising libido and I will tell my step-brother but I just haven’t yet.

March 20 dream:  Me and another guy go to two guys blackmailing me. I had prepared a letter, a check, etc. He gave it all back to me and took my pen as well. He said: “You. Stay out of my life.”

March 20 dream:  Have sit-down dinner on the island of Molokai. My lip is bleeding Someone uses the word nefigy. And then says: “Look it up.”

March 20 dream:  Nancy, Laurie and I cleaning up area to go to family meeting.

March 19, 2020:  Anonymous call at 9:35 a.m. Caller doesn’t speak. I say: “Is this social distancing?” Worked on MSM, Chapters 19-21. Sarah F. called midway thru. I realized later she had probably been drinking again. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Do take-out. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear distant hawk. Hear owl. Walk to Mt.D. #43 home.

March 19 dream: Am at Tom’s room in Saratoga house. He has a dog. I think: I could have a dog. Then I go to my room. Lots of cars and young girls rushing in and out. Some of the girls are sitting on the hoods of the cars with their legs spread. Carol Carter shows up in blue polka-dotted dress, like my mother used to wear. It’s good to see her. She had been drunk the night before. She is in a severe mood. I think: I’ve got to get my own place.

March 18, 2020:  Anonymous call about 1 p.m.-ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to 7-11 on Ocean. Then up to Mt.D. See same friendly black policeman on Miramar who I saw hier coming out of Walgreen’s on Ocean. Then to Starbucks Portola for take out matcha frappuccino. Walk back to Mt.D. Catch #36 going the wrong way. Then #43 at Forest Hill home. Write “The Ascendency of Political and Biological Corruption?” post for the BB.

March 18 dream:  Attending fancy diner with several possible partners. J.H. Is there but he doesn’t look at me. Others are in the running. I’m trying to be intuitive and unforced. (h.o.)

March 17, 2020:  Walk to Arden Wood to see Aunt Joanne. Nice, friendly black policeman says hello to me at Walgreens on Ocean Avenue. Arden Wood wouldn’t let me in. (*Relates to coyote at G.C.P. from hier?) Walk thru W.P. Walk up to Mt.D. and run to catch #43 to W.F. Then to F.L for London fog to go. Cute guy and gal there. Couldn’t tell which one was cuter. Got call from VA derm doctor postponing my appointment indefinitely due to Covid-19. I felt very attracted to him, even though I couldn’t see him. (*Relates to sudden hawk on Monterey from hier?) Took two hour nap which may relate to my visit to Aunt Joanne. Felt better afterwards. Hear on DVD: “A new journey is about to begin.” Lots of self introspection due to Covid-19. Sure I have it. Then pretty sure I don’t.

March 17 dream:  Asking my friend who had designed an artsy Christmas tree for me before to do it again, only this time all in red cardboard.

March 17 dream:  Jump in greenish water at pool after other guy does it. I try to swim to the bottom to get a rubber duck or something but can’t get very far.

March 16, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. But closed to seating. Go to cafe across the street which is terrible. Walk thru G.C.P. Two hawks rush to tree. Coyote pretty close. Branch noisily breaks off another tree. Mollie Stones. Starbucks Portola closed, too. Go to Mt.D. Then catch #36 to Monterey. Stop by Jun’s salon. He’s repainting his salon. I say: “It looks horrible.” (Which it does.) He smiles. We talk for a few minutes (*Relates to hawks and crows from G.C.P. hier, I think.) Then go to Safeway. Crazy people there. #43 home. Notice in p.m. that all of S.F. is supposed to “shelter in place.”

March 16 dream:  Article in Boston newspaper about Christian Infinity. I want to post it on the BB.

March 16 dream:  Getting ready to read short memorial for someone who died. Am so proud of my new boyfriend John.

March 15, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Hawk on Monterey. Zeph at C. B. with girlfriend? Sudoku also. Walk thru G.C.P. Several hawks and some crows. See Taylor at Portola. Realize it’s him and come back to say hello. #43 home. Bus driver and I talk about Bernie/Biden debate. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: We may be vulnerable to contagion from dangerous memes or dangerous viruses. My conclusion: Truth is consciousness, first person singular, the one and only original, with sole standing in law and the sole agent of justice.

March 15 dream:  I’m in a play. The character next to me told me that the woman interested in him told him she’d just like to fuck him. (h.o.)

March 14, 2020:  Anonymous call around 9:15 a.m. (*Relates to murder of crows from hier?) Then call to Mr. and Mrs. John Pinkerton. I said I was Mrs. Pinkerton. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Very busy. Walk thru G.C.P. Begins to rain. #36 to Monterey. Talk to Jun alone at his salon. He asked me why I was out. I joked that the virus began in China. Myka at Safeway. Run on toilet paper and paper towels and potatoes! On walk, came up with sense testimony combining Bernie’s apparent loss and the coronavirus: Political and biological corruption seems to be on the ascendent. When I get home, Pam R. email about 2008 prediction by psychic Sylvia Browne of 2020 virus that suddenly appears and just as suddenly disappears. In p.m., emotional reaction to father being arrested for child abuse in DCI Banks DVD.

March 14 dream:  Current state of the political race. (h.o.)

March 14 dream:  Nancy and Laurie “kidnap” me to go to a movie in Santa Monica. I had agreed to see Alan Blackman for a movie in the Castro. I couldn’t get my cell phone to work. Run into Gene Goulard who said they were able to save their orchard.

March 14 dream:  Getting ready to leave. Want to hang out a just a few more minutes before I start my new life.

March 13, 2020:  Anonymous call at 8:15 a.m.-ish (*Relates to hawk hier on Plymouth Avenue?) Avalon maintenance guy in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. New barista Carla at C.B. Meet Zee (short for Zack). We talk about tea vs. coffee. Walk thru G.C.P. Murder of crows at the end. Walk up Mt.D. Older guys says to me: “You’re not even out of breath.” I say: “That’s good.” See upside down “chicken” on way down. #43 home. Get off one stop early because of guy on sidewalk. I follow him to Beep’s. Don’t want to go there, but figure I probably should. Turns out guy was leading me to Houri, who I hadn’t seen there since December.

March 13 dream:  Annual gathering of Prosperos, Liz Andrews there. Me, Jack Andrews and William Fennie shirtless. I remembered my hand pain began when I shook William’s hand. We three did a sort of dance. Jack says: “I know about spiritual stuff.” We sang something about Liz, his wife, who was in a nearby tent. The three Smith sisters also did a dance.

March 12, 2020:  Woke up early. Rewrite BB post about coronavirus. Go back to sleep ’til 11:15ish. In ’til 4ish. Finalizing coronavirus post. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk off Plymouth Avenue? Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Young dark beautiful guy videotaping skateboarders at Unity Plaza. He pans his video over to me and smiles. I smile back. Cute little boy looks up to me at Beep’s.

March 12 dream:  Singing songs from three different musicals in some play I’m in.

March 12 dream:  All of a sudden three emergencies rise up. I have to make two phone calls. And then a Japanese neighbor woman wants me to come with her in a hurry, which I do.

March 11, 2020:  Two anonymous calls in a.m. (*Relates to hawk from hier, I think.) Two hours at Rincon. (*Woman at Rincon relates to last dream of 3/20?) F to Castro. #35 to G.P. Jordan, Brandon and Sudoku at C.B. Sudoku still not speaking to me. Call Sonic. They wanted one year contract. Not sure I’ll be at present location for one year. Bernie’s brilliant response to Super Tuesday 2.

March 11 dream:  My black real estate agent wants to show me a 7-bedroom house.

March 11 dream:  Something about Modesto.

March 10, 2020:  Wake up early. Email Ben about my taking down his coronavirus post. Then take a 2-hour nap. In ’til 3ish. Hawk on Edna on way to G.P. Brandon and Zeph at C.B. Zeph says he “would have” voted for Bernie. Aunt Joanne accidentally calls me. We make date to meet up next week. Sudoku enters C.B. Then leaves. Plane flies over Mt.D. Cute Asian guy on Frida Kahlo. Everything seems so green, even though it hasn’t rained in months.

March 10 dream:  At some kind of vacation weekend. Lots of things to do. There’s a play I want to see. I walk by gay guys in line for a club. I squeeze by. One guy says: “That feels better.” Am on board docked ship climbing a railing I had climbed before. Black guy is upset about something. I feel unsteady. I have a napkin or something in my hand. I consider dropping it to be more sure footed. Woke up.

March 10 dream:  Am given an old electric VW bug car. And another old car. Me and another guy start to drive off. Two older friends stay behind.

March 10 dream:  Running into that nasty girl from the library on the back of a pick-up truck as one of her friends was leaving. And we were getting ready to go to work.

March 9, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See “Graduation Closer Than You Think.” Cute, dark, muscular, tattooed guy on Circular Avenue. Jordan at C.B. (Also Brandon and his girlfriend facing the wall.) Cute fuckable guy comes in with his girlfriend. He notices me noticing him and smiles. (*Relates to J.H. lookalike and his son from hier?) Sudoku snaps at me when I tease him about using Google, which he says he has a problem with. (*Relates to puppy on Mt.D. hier who, for no apparent reason, barked at me while backing away from me.) Decide to finally Translate the sense testimony: Democracy sometimes make the wrong decisions. My conclusion: The people are the voice of the already-decided Truth.” (*Relates to old couple hier who were so glad to see me.) Guy in cute running outfit on Mt.D. Guy with “cute dog” on Cresta Vista Drive. #43 home.

March 9 dream:  Vote to go on world tour with band/choir. (h.o.)

March 8, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Daniel at C.B. (Brandon and his girlfriend there also but seated looking against the wall). Moment of baraka with Daniel. (*Relates to hawks and crows and shits from hier, I think.) Walk thru G.C.P. John H. lookalike (shorter, younger) and his son(?) running across Portola. Walk to Mt.D. and down. Elderly couple ask me how I am. Then say: “It’s really nice to see you.” Catch #43 just as it arrives. Give $1 to homeless lady at McDs for 1st page of Examiner. Then give her $2. Hear “Something good will happen” on YouTube or DVD. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Symbiotic relationships can be disrupted by both ontogenetic and phylogenetic data that causes isolation. My conclusion: Truth is having a symbiotic indisruptably continuous love affair (eruption) with Itself, whose beginning was beginningless and whose ending will be endless and whose boundaries are boundless. OR: Truth is a given.

March 7, 2020:  Work on MSM Chapter 17. Write BB blog: “Consciousness is not Passive.” In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Brandon and Daniel at C.B. Also Sudoku who asked about my Howard Zinn book. Walk thru G.C.P. for first time in months. 2 or 3 hawks overhead. Murder of crows. Shits at Mollie Stones. Myka at Safeway. Run to catch #43. Home.

March 7 dream:  I am with my sister Laurie. We are headed towards political church. It is SRO. It is a Bernie Sanders event. I become Bernie Sanders. People don’t recognize me yet. (h.o.)

March 7 dream:  Someone telling me I have a daughter somewhere.

March 7 dream:  Guy collecting money at underground subway station.

March 6, 2020:  “Spasms of excitement” referred to in BB comedy video. Online call with Cenk Uygur and about 200 others. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Starbucks Portola. Call Sarah in SLO. We talk about an hour. If she goes to Medford, OR, for Rick’s RHS class, I may go, too. #43 home. Beep’s. Home. Shits.

March 6 dream:  Cleaning out my wallet in public. I accidentally drop a dollar in trash can. I rush to get it back. Realize I was probably a little too manic about that. See Tom C. crossing the street. He looks great. We smile. He’s with a young hetero couple who are kissing.

March 5, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. #43 to Arizmendi Bakery. Beautiful man in shorts I sit across the aisle from. Go to Arizmendi. Walk to Peet’s Cafe Cole Street. Royale and Daniel there. Also cute, sweet barista who I had never seen before. #43 to W.F. and home.

March 5 dream:  Released from prison for 2nd time. Run along beach.

March 5 dream:  I am in small retirement group. Next to 3 guys including Thane. They are celebrating the birthday of one of the guys, a civil rights leader, tonight. Thane doesn’t look so good. The setting looks like a department store.

March 4, 2020:  Hot guy on K inbound leads me to even hotter guy. Makes me hard and later wet. 101 with John F. We decided to take a break from 101 for a while ’til we get some sort of new direction. We get something to eat. Then two hours at Rincon. Get call from “Private Number” at Rincon. BART to G.P. Can’t find seat at C.B. Meet Cain in front of BART G.P. He’s reading Bhagavad Gita from Philosophy of Religion class at CCSF. We talk briefly. Then I find seat next to Brandon (and his girlfriend) at C.B. Jordan is barista. Also Zeph. Later I run into Zeph on #23. Tell him I’ve checked out the 2nd Star Wars movie, which he had recommended. Walk home. Insight: the self-imposed burden of thinking of myself as a “great man.”

March 4 dream:  Walking down my new neighborhood road in my bathrobe and not much else. It’s like I want to be raped. Find nice cute outdoor seating area with mostly young men. (*Wanting to get fucked indiscriminately relates to my back spasms? How can a person of God want to be fucked indiscriminately? Was this the dichotomy I pledged to figure out in Menlo Park? Maybe it’s my way of covering up being a person of God. Relates to guy hier that I got wet over? Or guy from a few days ago on the #43. Desirable men want to be desired. Women have been desired for centuries. Now it’s the men’s turn. Being desired is a joy many men hunger for. Relates to vision of 1974 of river of joyous souls?)

March 3, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. and Starbucks Portola. Start listening to Super Tuesday returns. #43 home. More returns. Very disappointing nite. Feel terrible.

March 3 dream:  Two people staying over. One brings some friends who start talking and wake me up. I get hard. The friends leave. But the other guy stays and I feel threatened by him. Then I realize it’s a dream.

March 3 dream:  Hanging around guy I like. I want to offer to stay to help, but don’t. Later I ask him out. Also new apt. I like.

March 3 dream:  Graduation ceremony with The Prosperos. Leigh Barbier doing the Hawaiian ceremony of putting fish on my shoulders. Last year her daughter Isabelle did it. William Fennie sitting with Clair Gold. He hurt her breasts. She said: “My breasts are not boobs.”

March 2, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Go to library. Then see John H. lookalike sitting on the curb at Ocean & Plymouth in front of the laundromat. Walk up to Mt.D. Then Starbucks Portola. Then walk home via Mt.D. Follow guy up Robinhood Drive. Then down Plymouth. Another cute guy enters laundromat. Go to W.F. See W.F. worker that I knew from a while back. Follow him. He’s talking with someone else. See Isaiah at checkout counter. He’s a student of psychology.

March 2 dream:  Masseuse (or masseur) gently rubbing our testicles and penises.

March 2 dream:  Some kind of big gathering under an overpass. Some people I knew. There were some politicians speaking. I went to go hear them.

March 1, 2020:  Bernie tabling with Evangeline, Taylor, Michael, Scott, Suzanne, Alex, Aram, Andreas, Sara, Jason, Jimmy and me. See “Almost Finished.” PBS Newshour videotaped Michael singing his Bernie song with his Bernie mask on. Guy named Nathan stopped by with a bunch of his home-made Bernie buttons just when we had run out. Dan (the clay potter) making a point of saying goodbye to me as he left. At 3 p.m, as we were wrapping up, big crowd of Bernie cyclists rides down Castro and makes a left turn in front of us to much cheering and excitement. After, several of us go to The Cove for a last get-together. John F. walks to Mary’s with me. J to G.P. Brandon and Zeph at C.B. #43 and #43 home.

March 1 dream:  One roommate brings home a black guy. Another woman brings home several people. Bill Floyd brings home a whole line of people. One of us says: “Now it’s our turn [to go out to some lame movie].” I say: “I don’t want to do that.’

March 1 dream:  My boss at work wants me to expand her left margin. She has Christian Science text under her papers. City spraying garbage and fumes on the street. I hold my breath. John F. there.

February 29 dream:  Shits in a.m. Bernie tabling at 18th & Castro with John F., Heidi, ellen, Scott, Taylor, Rick, Michael, Rotimi, Marjorie, Shana, Viola, Rob and his daughter, and me. See shirt: “Talk to the Pain.” Very windy day. Rick walks back to Mary’s with me. J to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Also Brandon. Safeway. #43 home. Blank 11 a.m. message when I get home.

February 29 dream:  Cleaning up. Unlocking lots of safes and dusting them, closing them, opening them.

February 29 dream:  Go to very nice relaxing law library with other old bastards(?) with group of people including Tom C. I get away from the group. Find interesting old book. Woman starts talking about Michael Douglas and then asks for my phone no.

February 28, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Bernie HQ. Smell odor which reminded me of France. Fantasize about moving there. See big ad which says: “Stay.” See endofyou.io. See Alvin, Ellen, Dan and Mary at Bernie HQ. Go to Muddy Waters. Barista asks me: “Where’s ‘Bernie’?” I say: “He’s at home resting.” #49 home. Sweet tattooed guy with his little hermana. Then very cute young guy who gets off at my stop. Go to Beep’s. Home. Drop and break glass.

February 28 dream:  Dream of my mother.

February 28 dream:  Getting ready to take flight somewhere. It may be a connecting flight.

February 27, 2020: Think maybe my back pain is related to the election as the cyst on my back was. Anonymous call around noon. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then Starbucks Portola. Barista calls me Tom. I say: “That’s okay. That’s my brother’s name.” Get burrito after. Then #43 home. Sit across from handsome Latino construction worker. I pledge to stay on ’til he gets off. He happens to get off at my stop. I enjoy seeing him walk away. He does a little dance. W.F. Home.

February 27 dream:  Trying to wrestle weapon out of Elizabeth Warren’s hands.

February 27 dream:  Take jacket not claimed by anybody. Start new temp assignment. Have a class tomorrow.

February 26, 2020:  101 with John F. Two hours at Rincon. BART to G.P. Brandon there. Jordan is barista, later replaced by baristo Daniel. #36 and #43 home.

February 26 dream:  Cars being readied for sale?

February 26 dream:  Packing up.

February 26 dream:  Visit house. See Steve Houston and other Steve. Both look good. One seems to come on to me. Guy ties loose rope around my leg. They are having big meeting in the house. I make up a salad.

February 26 dream:  In small town, ask direction to the P.O. so I can mail something off.

February 25, 2020:  Wake up thinking maybe my back pain is a coverup for prostate cancer fears or fear of fame or … Anonymous call around noon. Work on MSM, Chapters 17 and 18. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. Marcus at CVS. Then Starbucks Portola. Then leave. Then come back. Pretty woman at Starbucks give me the eye as I come in to use the restroom. I take shit. Demo debate begins. #43 home. Chest in in p.m.

February 25 dream:  Creepy guy just wouldn’t stop. Even though I had him tied up.

February 25 dream:  A group of us workers saying good night after our first day together. One says to me: “You’re quite the guy.” Another: “You’re opening up.”

February 25 dream:  My father jumped off a building to kill himself. I heard it first. Then I saw him. Harriet had already died.

February 24, 2020:  Catch up on BB and emails. In ’til 4ish. Walk to Mt.D. Marcos at CVS. Starbucks Portola. #43 home. Two black guys make sure I get a seat. Then I offer 3rd black guy on crutches my seat. He said he was trying to move his backpack, I think.

February 24 dream:  I was trying to tell Cenk Uygur that Susan Lovett told me that Amy Goodman wanted to invite him to appear at her next class. I sit down next to Zoë Robinson who had some connection to Amy and reminded me.

February 24 dream:  To celebrate birthday of little girl, my idea is to give everybody toy instruments and play “Happy Birthday” to her. I am shy about proposing my idea, but share it with one woman Then feel stronger about the idea.

February 23, 2020:  Taking shower this a.m., RHSing my father. My heart starts to race uncontrollably. Bernie tabling with Heidi, Angeline, Abby, Matthew, Suzanne, Taylor (plus 2 or 3 people who just stopped by to help her and offer us free Philz coffees), Jimmy, Rick, Andreas, Sara and me (12 of us). Heidi surveyed 13 people on the Bern app. I canvassed 1 person. Rick saved the day with a new supply of stickers and buttons. Talked with Dan (the potter) afterwards. He says: “I don’t know what I’m doing.” I say: “In regard to selling or making?” “Both,” he says. I love him. Then to Spike’s. Then #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. #36 and walk home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Duality of right and wrong keeps people disagreeing and prevents coming to compromise. My conclusion: Truth is the Great Work, the Great Mission, the singularity of Rightness, everyone/everything indivisibly expressing Itself, always compromising (i.e., always agreeable, always pleasing, irrepressibly happy working together).

February 23 dream:  My book being used by political activists as a way to encourage participation in a just society.

February 23 dream:  Try to close the blinds before my stepmother gets home. New newspapers in the way. Mayor Pete sitting in his underpants. Stepmother wants me to help bring in groceries but just says she wants to see me.

February 23 dream:  One old woman and several old men on bus to water area of San Diego. Then I get a promotion at work and an office in Room 402.

February 23 dream:  Rehearsals done. Getting in place for the show.

February 22, 2020:  Bernie tabling with John F., Rick, Heidi, Caleb, Athena, Sam, Max, Suzanne, Marjorie & Shana, Abby & Ozzie, and Scott and me. Marjorie brought snacks and a great soundtrack (Bob Dylan, John Lennon, the Strokes). Mayor Pete on one side. Girl Scout cookies on the other. 10 people surveyed on the Bern app. 9 canvassed. See Scott Shafer from KQED-FM. Afterwards, guy asked me: “Was there a Bernie event? I saw a whole bunch of people with Bernie stickers on.” That was us. #35 to G.P. Daniel at C.B. (also Brandon and his girlfriend though I didn’t talk with them). Walked to Safeway. Jun busy with customer. Myka at Express Lane.

February 22 dream:  Attend play where children pretend to be dead and are covered with green boughs. I’ve seen the play before. Didn’t like it much.

February 22 dream:  Working on notes for Translation class. Expand upon subject of space ’cause that’s where we’re going.

February 21, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. K to City Hall to vote. Meet guy with French horn on the K. Then beautiful dark smiling man entering Van Ness station. Then I vote. Feel really good afterwards. Walk to 8th & Market. Then all the way up Market to Starbucks Portola. Meet Franklin and other baristo there. #43 home. Realize my always wanting to move may be habit formed when I was living in Saratoga. Two blank phone messages when I get home from 3:48 and 3:51 p.m., about the time I was voting.

February 21 dream:  Big meeting with Bernie supporters and captains. Three different parts of the effort. (h.o.)

February 21 dream:  In very clean Chinese resto, getting ready for Bernie tabling. Then there is a bus in the resto.

February 20, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Anonymous call in a.m. Go to Target on Masonic. Find great jacket but too small and no longer on order. (Get paper cut trying it on.) Go to downtown Target. Nothing there. Go to 13th & Folsom Target. Nothing there but cute Asian guy with tight butt who took a liking to me. He lifted up his shirt while I called yet another Target. (*Relates to sudden shits from hier about 6 p.m.?) Then Target at 225 Bush. Very nice and helpful black guy there. BART home. W.F. Order jacket online.

February 20 dream:  Walk thru store with lots of beautiful Van Gogh cards, etc. Have to walk past two “scary” shaking toy dragons to leave store. I think: “That could really scare somebody.”

February 19, 2020:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Cold. Two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. #35 to G.P. Daniel at C.B. Jesse at Railroad Expresso on #43 home. Publish MSM Chapter 16. Then shits around 6 p.m.

February 19 dream:  Dream of the Democratic race.

February 19 dream:  Unfrightened rats at Japanese house of ours.

February 19 dream:  Move to Texas. No job. No place. Stay at motel with friend. Kind of don’t hate Texas.

February 18, 2020:  Work on MSM Chapter 16. 1-1/2 ring call at 3:30ish. In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. and Starbucks Portola. “Christ” guy (from February 6) at CVS. Read more Harry Potter. Insight about last nite’s dream: Me being on trial for my mother’s death being related to my back pain? Am I punishing myself for my egocentric reaction to her death? Was Lucia’s touch of my lower back the act of kindness which I couldn’t allow myself? Also Jane Kennedy’s kind look one day at 101 Market. Which is why I was so willing to be my father’s slut? #43 to W.F. Two cute guys on board. Transexual at deli? Cute guy on checkout line. See “Not Yet.”

February 18 dream:  Write check to “Hollywood Reporter.” I cruise guy on roof. He threatens to throw me off. Then someone starts sucking his dick. I grab his ass. He lets me. I get hard.

February 17, 2020:  In ’til 4:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then Mollie Stone’s. Cute Asian checker (who had been standoffish before) and I connect. Starbucks Portola. Read more Harry Potter. #36 to Monterey. Walk home. Pakwan resto.

February 17 dream:  Group of us being tried or at least questioned in murder case. Not sure if I’m off the hook or not. My back pain may be connected.

February 16, 2020:  Bernie tabling with Ali, Terek, Jenny, Keenahn, Artie, Laurel, Taylor, Ed and me. Hard day. Ed freaks out over Bernie corgi sticker. Everybody paired up with people they came with, leaving me kind of out in the cold. Nice talk with Dan (the clay potter) after. Then go to Mary’s. Then J to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Distant hawks at G.P. #23 to Gennessee. Beautiful black bus driver who liked my “Bernie.” Walk and #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Social media addiction reveals people’s need for confirmation but does not reveal truth. My conclusion: Truth confirms Itself, is socially addicted to Itself, wants for nothing but Its own Self-revealing lack of in-betweenness. Insight: My father beating me after my kiss with Kathy W., not about upsetting my step-mother, as he claimed. It was about upsetting him and betraying our so-called relationship.

February 15, 2020:  Bernie tabling with John F., Rotimi, Heidi, Scott, Taylor, Marjorie and her daughter Shana, Ellen, Ed, Jason and me. Mary stopped by as did Elliot. Michael sang and played on his uke an original Bernie Sanders song, which Marjorie videoed. Marjorie also took several photos. Heidi and Rotimi surveyed 31 people between them on the Bern app. Talk with Tommi Avicolli-Mecca. Go to Mary’s. Met Darcy, Mary’s grown daughter. Meet Jake outside. (*Relates to Julia Roberts dream of February 14?) #35 to G.P. on board with Alan Blackman. Daniel (and Brandon) at C.B. Ricardo at Safeway. Myka not there. Very hot maintenance guy at W.F.

February 15 dream:  Dreaming about Bernie report.

February 14, 2020:  In ’til noonish. VA appointment at 1:40 p.m. Attractive female resident. Stayed ’til 3:10 or so. #29 home. Began reading Harry Potter. Made me feel good. Stopped at McD’s. Call from Comcast in p.m. (*Relates to first dream of February 12?)

February 14 dream:  Return to my nice, clean apartment in the upper Castro. Not much food in the house. Eat last bowl of cereal. Cute young cops drive by just outside my window. I smile at them. There is big wound on my chest outside my heart, but I know my heart is fine. It’s just an outer wound.

February 14 dream:  Meet a male version of Julia Roberts. Then have dinner with him and another male couple.

February 13, 2020:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then Starbucks Portola. Then home. Still recovering from cold. 134 clicks on the BB.

February 13 dream:  Dressed nicely, about to have sex with prostitute in L.A. We have to wait a few hours. I think: “I’d rather just drive home to S.F.”

February 12, 2020:  Realize my cold is probably related to my grief over realizing what my father did to me back in ’56 or so. Got two calls when I was in the shower, thinking about this. 101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Two hours at Rincon. BART to G.P. Jordan and Brandon at C.B. Waiting for #23, see “UFO” in the sky. Talk with guy next to me about it. He told me it looks like helicopter they were filming on Sunday nite for new Matrix movie. Cute young guy on #23. #43 home. Blank message from 10:19 a.m. just about a minute or so after I left apt. in a.m.

February 12 dream:  I ride in tech bus to south of Market area. Very scary area, then very nice but sterile area. I accidentally track down where John H. lives and works. There’s an office door with “John C. H*******” written on it. And he’s right there working at a computer. He looks good. His hair is combed back and reddish. His boss comes over and is very “handsy” with J. I think they’re together. Then some other guy appears. He’s unsmiling, hard, kind of unyielding. J’s boss says: “Our boy has a date tonight.” I say: “Well, I’ll just have to wait.” And I ride off triumphantly on my bike with my fist in the air.

February 12 dream:  Students very concerned about deans of school. I know they weren’t always deans. They were just students like us.

February 11, 2020:  Hard nite last nite. In ’til 3ish. Work on MSM Chapter 16. Walk to Mt.D. and Starbucks Portola. Watch N.H. returns. Walk home. Bernie wins N.H.!

February 11 dream:  Livia M. having hard time remembering where she is. She tries to get up.

February 10, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Realize that I was wrong hier when I thought there was a connection between me being in pain when lying down and the word “lying,” as in not telling the truth. Realize that probably is not true. That my back pain while lying down is probably my body’s way of telling me that, yeah, it really did happen and it happened when you were lying down. Go to CVS Portola. Cute cashier there. Then Mollie Stones. Then Starbucks Portola. Guy comes up to me and wants to shake my hand ’cause of the Bernie T-shirt I was wearing. I say: “My hand are wet. I just went to the bathroom.” He said: “That’s okay.” Turns out he’s a Berniecrat. Walk to Mt.D. Hear owl. Walk to Monterey and #43 home.

February 10 dream:  Friend going to George’s commune at end of work day. I’d never heard of George’s commune.

February 9, 2020:  Bernie tabling at 18th & Castro with Heidi, Scott, Lillie (and her blind dog Fig), Patrick, Taylor. With cameo appearances by Darrow and Rick. Street guy asks Patrick: “Are you straight?” Patrick says: “Yes.” Guy says: “Why?!?!” Talk with Mary afterwards. Then J to G.P. Zeph and Sudoku there. Then BART to Balboa. Sweet guy at G.P. BART. Walk home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Telling lies (and believing lies) is misleading and we might not be able to brake the resultant behavior. My conclusion: Truth is innate all-knowing, always telling the Truth, always believing the Truth, the reality of grandeur, the unbrakeability and unbreakability of Truthful behavior. In looking up the word “lie,” realized the connection between my pain while lying and the concept of “lying.” Still haven’t figured out what I’m lying about. (*No. See diary of February 10.)

February 9 dream:  Walk thru J’s place while he’s there. Later see him on path. Hope he’ll invite me to party. (h.o.)

February 9 dream:  Gathering together 3 or 4 people, including nice guy Willam DeFoe, to kill some overlords and free a people.

February 8, 2020:  Bernie tabling at 18th & Castro with John F., Ellen, Suzanne and Taylor. Talk briefly with Terry Beswick from Mayor Pete’s campaign. Meet Simba, young black man from Charlotte, NC., who wanted to know places to visit in the Castro. Biden-supporter Patrick said he is switching to Mayor Pete but he took a Bernie sign from me. 15 people canvassed. Extremely high after tabling. After, ran into Matt from SF Berniecrats and his father on their way to Mary’s. Talk with Mary and others returning from canvassing at her place. Then J to G.P. Zeph and Brandon at C.B. Myka at Safeway. Plus Safeway worker who I spoke with hier at W.F. Asian guy at Monterey & Gennessee. Very nice to me. When I leaned over, I fantasized about him checking out my ass and I felt like slugging him. (My father used to say to me, “Why don’t you just hit me?” Was it because he knew he deserved it?)

February 8 dream:  Guy at work accuses me of things I didn’t do.

February 7, 2020:  VA appointment at 11:30 a.m. My podiatrist, Jonetta, was a Bernie supporter, so that was cool and unexpected. Go to La Promenade on Balboa. Then walk thru G.G. Park to 9th & Judah. #43 to W.F. and home.

February 7 dream:  Move to Vegas. Everyone is dressing up to look good and have sex. Also move to new apt. When I see apt. in the back near trees, I ask for that one instead.

February 7 dream:  Moved to place a few blocks across the border of Mexico. Lived with Bea Arthur. She was watching one of her favorite shows of hers about how the unconscious mind works. I go into the living room to get a better look. Think it will be great for the BB.

February 6, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Beautiful (not cold) day. Walk to Mt.D. White flag no longer flying there. Walk on to Starbucks Portola. Hear coyotes in background. Young man at CVS. I asked him about his arm tattoo. It was something about Christ being his strength. I said, “That’s great.” Starbucks Portola. Then walk home via Mt.D. Hear owl. Realize on way down that I might have been having an OBE (out of body experience) when looking at myself in my father’s bed. (BTW, my father’s nickname was “Obe”.) Cute young guy at Beep’s as I was waiting for my veggieburger.

February 6 dream:  List of two recent debts.

February 6 dream:  Fantasize about stopping a guy and fucking (repay?) him.

February 6 dream:  Leaving gym. Fully dressed woman jokes with naked man. Man says: “Take all the time you need.” Woman cruises him and says: “Even I thought that was a little weird.”

February 5, 2020:  Go to 101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Very cold. Then two hours at Rincon. Met Sanghoo Yang from Korea. He’s in the beer business. Wants to make $2 billion and give $1 billion to his university. His beer is called “The Booth.” Then go to Muddy Waters and read more from Waking the Tiger. Then Berniecrats meeting at Redstone Building. Sat next to Greg and his 5-y-o daughter Gwen. Mary, Ben, Jason, Patrick and others there. It was a two hour meeting. On #49 home find out Bernie is only .1 behind Buttedgeedge.

February 5 dream:  Talking about murder mystery story with someone.

February 5 dream:  Nannie saying: “The city makes me tired.”

February 4, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Work on MSM Chapter 15. Still waiting for complete results from Iowa. Walk to library. Then up to Mt.D. White flag still flying on top. Go to Starbucks Portola. Then back to Mt.D. and #43 and home.

February 4 dream:  Everything seems to be put in its proper place. Situation normal?

February 4 dream:  Working with some friends I hadn’t worked with in a while. One was wearing no pants in the back.

February 4 dream:  An old woman comes up to our stand and says she wants a bitter, a sorrow, and a fruit app. Earlier I am eyeing some woman’s breasts.

February 3, 2020:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Bernie HQ. Francis there. Met cute, sweet young man who sold me some Bernie window signs. Other people I know. They were watching CNN so I take #49 home. (*Relates to “Boring!” dream of February 1?)

February 3 dream:  Day after drunken party, someone asks me: “You know that college guy?” I say: “No.” They say: “I think he liked you.”

February 3 dream:  Rushing to meet someone. Forget my library book? (*Relates to call from J. on February 4?)

February 2, 2020:  Tabled at 18th & Castro with Suzanne, Ellen, Tom, Taylor, Ed and “Bernie.” See Greg Cassin there. Also meet Francis, fellow Bernie canvasser in the neighborhood. We have a “date” to meet up tomorrow night to watch Iowa returns. Take supplies back to Mary’s Then #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. BART and #8 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Persons/memories deliberately lie, steal, abuse, and use violence due to greed and personal gain. My conclusion: The property of Truth is all that can be remembered, all that can be intended, all that can be utilized: the perpetual motion of harmonious energy in the midst of infinite plenty.

February 2 dream:  Friends teasing old gay man in prison.

February 2 dream:  Peeing with guy at urinal. He climbs out the window. I say: “Is that how it’s done?” Later at table, people next to me are impressed by my connection with mobster Tommy.

February 2 dream:  At remote train stop in Europe we are informed of an undercover house of prostitutes for men and women. Someone says: “At this stop, everything’s got to happen.”

February 2 dream:  Cute guy I liked took me to place with lots of strange food. He said I didn’t have to eat it. I said: “Good,” and spit it out. Went with him to other places. Lots of gay men there (in black & white). I wondered if J. would ever hang out with those guys. I said to my friend: “Why are you alone? No, not why do you live along? Why are you eating alone?” He says: “No. I’m starving.”

February 1, 2020:  Tabling with John F., Taylor, Scott, Ed and “Bernie.” Met Nicholas from Germany who told Scott he was transexual. Taylor got accosted by libertarian who said to her: “You said you wanted to take away money from billionaires!” Taylor looked to me. I got between them. Then Ed came by. Then Scott came by. Man finally left when Scott said, “You’re against taxation for everyone. You think taxation is theft.” After thinking about it, I think what’s underneath his alleged hatred for taxation is the fear that somewhere somehow people of color will be advantaged. #35 to G.P. Seth and friend at C.B. Also Brandon with his girlfriend. Walk to Safeway. Myka at Safeway. Walk home. Work on BB. Cute, friendly guy at Safeway who went out of his way to help me find parmesan cheese.

February 1 dream:  Legal assistant tricked out of being part of family(?) I looked on.

February 1 dream:  Cleaned out my right ear which had a dental brush in it.

February 1 dream:  Someone yelling “Boring!!!” at me.

January 31, 2020:  Meet with Steve Hines at McDs. It’s a great meeting. He shared his enlightenment experience of 1969 in Albany, Oregon. Also from est: If you experience something, experience it totally. Re Carol Carter: “I remember everything.” Home ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan (and Brandon) at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mollie Stones Portola. Stand and wait behind cute guy in line even thought two other cashiers invited me to their checkout lines. Walk to Mt.D. Someone planted a white flat on top. Guy I followed briefly on way down.

January 31 dream:  I say about AOC: “At least we still have our little toe.” She thanks me. I say: “Did I say that?” (*Relates to SF Super Bowl loss on February 2 or Iowa caucus breakdown of February 3?)

January 31 dream:  Wake up feeling bad that I wasn’t a good enough sex object for my father.

January 30, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Arizmendi. Pick up gluten-free bread. New worker there. Then N to Cole Street. Talk to beautiful Asian man on my way out about book he was carrying: Behave. See Daniel and Royale at Peet’s Cole Valley. Speak briefly with Daniel. #37 and K home. See Jesse at W.F. cafe. Read more Waking the Tiger in p.m. Insights: I had a disassociation in memory of being in my father’s bed. Realized my memory is of looking down at his bed. Could it have been an out-of-body experience of disassociation? I think so. (*Relates to finding $100 bill on January 25?) Another insight: Gas-lighting can also be positive gas-lighting, like, “Oh, we love you so much, blah, blah, blah.” Pushing one to believe it’s true, even though it may just be talk.

January 30 dream:  At kitchen sink, washing dishes. Then the water fills the whole kitchen up to my waist.

January 30 dream:  Long winding lines of people in Stonestown parking lot.

January 29, 2020:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Pretty good day. Then two hours at Rincon. Then K to Castro. #35 to G.P. Owners at C.B. Also Brandon. Give $100 bill from January 25 to guy sitting on the street. #23 and #43 home. Cruise cute, short, construction worker as I leave #43. W.F. not happening. Get text from Steve Hines. He’ll be here a few more days.

January 29 dream:  Me and others fighting with somebody in the fog, somebody we couldn’t see very well. (*Relates to fighting with my father? Also: Me being pee-shy relates to my father’s sexual abuse of me?)

January 29 dream:  Joe Biden is cheating in his campaign. Electricity goes off in apartment I’m staying in but not elsewhere. I was watching very interesting program and transcribing poem with “H…” in one column and “…is” in another column, referring to “His.” I try to report it.

January 28, 2020:  6:14 a.m. (ish) call from anonymous caller. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph and Mae at C.B. Then get call from Steve Hines. So he comes up, picks me up and we (mostly he) talk for over an hour in his car at the McD’s parking lot. Run into my Spanish-speaking friend on the way out. I ask him his name: “Como se llama?” He says: “Henry.” I say: “Miguel.” Charlie at W.F.

January 28 dream:  In a forest community with only major newspapers from major cities. No local papers.

January 27, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Get email from Steve Hines who’s lost in downtown S.F. So we meet up. Go to McD’s. I see my Spanish-speaking friend from hier. Get call for John Pinkerton while at McD’s. I said: “I’m talking with someone else right now.” Feel really good afterwards. Nathan at W.F. Read more Waking the Tiger in p.m.

January 27 dream:  9 of us standing in 3 rows. Some of us decide to do a comic bit while responding to leader.

January 27 dream:  Thane, Carol Carter, Scot Loomis join seminar on dance and all kinds of other things.

January 26, 2020:  Bernie tabling with Scott, Ed, Taylor, Aleece, Ashley, Elliot and me. Warren people next to us. Very productive day. Fell in love with Elliot. Take stuff back to Mary’s. Then #35 to G.P. Cute guy reading Saladin. We talk briefly. Zeph at C.B. #23 to Monterey. Then walk home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Power leads to money which leads to covert acts of corruption. My conclusion: Truth is the incorruptible flow of power, money, and ability, housed everywhere, hidden everywhere, the only way.

January 25, 2020:  Go to Mary’s at 11 a.m. Then to 18th & Castro. Find $100 bill on 15th Street. John F. and Scott at 18th & Castro. Then take table, etc. back to Mary’s. Then #35 to G.P Zeph at C.B. Walk to Safeway. Myka at Safeway. He calls Joe Rogan the Oprah Winfrey of frat boys. Walk home. Then run to library just in time before it closes. Go to McD’s. Speak Spanish to one of the workers.

January 25 dream:  Furious at office which misplaced my driver’s license. They couldn’t even give me the address of the place where I have to go to replace it. They had to do some alchemical thing to get it. Beautiful shirtless man exercising and jumping into water. Other men trying to comfort me, lean their heads on my shoulder.

January 25 dream:  H.o. dream about something.

January 25 dream:  Dreamt about teaching Translation.

January 24, 2020:  Call rings 4 times at about 8:30 a.m. I am half awake and don’t even realize it ’til later. (*Relates to murder of crows from January 22 and heart flutter from earlier this a.m., I think.) #49 to Tommy’s Joint for John F. birthday lunch with John, Alyson, Rick and Lucas. Had salmon and a really good time. Condom machine over toilet in the bathroom. After, went to Starbucks to read Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. Met Daniel, GMAT student. Then walk to 19th & Castro. Beautiful out-of-towner at 19th & Castro. Didn’t want to go after him in front of J’s store. #35 to G.P. Then #23 and #43 home. Meet Luke on #23. He listens to Pod Save America. Blank phone message from 3:37 p.m. when I get home. Insight: My trauma was realizing that my family was not my real family. “God” was my real family.

January 24 dream:  In ’81 I’m starting temp job with firm I worked for in ’78. They showed me my old records(?) I have to start work at 8 a.m. every morning.

January 24 dream:  Give some little kid my autograph.

January 23, 2020:  #29 to VA appointment at 10 a.m. Leave home about 8:30 a.m. When I get home see blank phone message from 9:44 a.m. 2 or 3 cute Asian school boys on #29 on way. Then interesting black guy sitting near me. Angel at VA removes my sutures. #29 home. Beautiful, hot straight guy with long straight blond hair sits near me. Then I see his sparkly finger nail polish on all his fingers. So I decide I’ll stay with him ’til he gets off. He got off at my stop and headed for CCSF. He was unsmiling on the bus, but afterwards there was the faintest whiff of a smile as he ran his hand through his blond hair. Sarah at W.F. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Meet David at Starbucks Portola. I move my seat to sit next to him. I see him studying diarrhea on his laptop. I say: “Are you a medical student?” He says: “Yes.” We talk for several minutes. Then he goes back to studying. Then as he is leaving we talk some more. Finally he slips in: “. . . Me and my wife . . .” Hear owl on Mt.D. on way home.

January 23 dream:  Dreaming about back problem.

January 23 dream:  Try to work with guy. He says he can’t work with my family Others in town are disappointed too. One guy who used to be paid poorly is now paid well ’cause he has to pay for the dividends of his bosses.

January 22, 2020:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Then two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. #35 to G.P. Murder of crows on the way. Zeph at C.B. #23 and #43 home.

January 21, 2020:  Call from “Publishers Clearing House” in a.m. I won $3.2 million dollars and one 300 C class Mercedes-Benz! All I have to do is send a cashier’s check for $750. Work on MSM Chapters 14 and 15. In ’til 3ish. Walk down Ocean Avenue. Follow friendly, cute Asian guy who was looking for cigarettes. Then walk to Mt.D. Starbucks Portola. #36 to Monterey. Yellow-vested guy smiles at me as I’m thinking of withdrawing my monthly contribution to Bernie for not standing behind Zephyr Teachout’s indictment of Biden as legally corrupt. #43 to W.F. and home. Find 3:30 p.m. blank message on getting home.

January 21 dream:  Prisoners take over the jail. Threaten to kill their keepers, but just humiliate them by cutting off their shirts at the shoulder.

January 21 dream:  Children’s parade entry called “ToDay” cancelled.

January 21 dream:  Woman follows for source of river in Virginia Beach, VA.

January 20, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Get haircut at Jun’s. Then Safeway. Then see Jesse at Railroad Expresso. Then W.F. Then home. Jerk off. Insight: I eat chocolate to spite my father?

January 20 dream:  Gay hustler and I talking. He wants me to help him publish some articles he has in mind. Older man sitting near us. I say, “What kind of articles?” Lots of cum splashing on local area.

January 20 dream:  Order pancakes and coffee. Leave resto. My friends have left town. I’m stranded in beautiful seaside heights area. Later Alan Alda asks my help. He says: “I heard your apt. burned down.” I said: “Not that I know of.”

January 19, 2020:  Bernie tabling at 18th & Castro from 12:30 to 3:00 p.m. with Ed and Mary. Very moved by young Trump supporter who was polite, cute, sincere and only somewhat interested in Bernie. After, walk with Mary to her place. Then back to Castro. #35 to G.P. Cute, sweet owner’s son at C.B. Then walk with “Bernie” to Safeway. Myka there. #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Excessive divergence of belief causes discordance that is insurmountable. My conclusion: There is no divergence of belief in Mind: Mind is the one Cause, the one Heart, insurmountably harmonious. OR: Mind is of one Mind.

January 19 dream:  Trying to get rid of guy who said he’d be, oh, so helpful.

January 19 dream:  At dance/exercise class with drill instructor with muddy hands, beautiful/well-dressed men and women. We did a lot of partner switching. Woman who changes partners with me smells arm of handsome guy before me.

January 19 dream:  Convention of clever people.

January 19 dream:  Me with a whole bunch of cords attached to my back.

January 18, 2020:  Bernie tabling with John F. at 18th & Castro. Then dinner with Ricardo, Ken, Antonio and Richard form 3:30 to 8:30 p.m. On walk to Castro Station afterwards with Antonio and Richard, sweet young guy unexpectedly smiles at me. Shits when I get home.

January 18 dream:  Visiting fancy resort in Seattle.

January 18 dream:  Moving talk about Jesus coming to local library.

January 17, 2020:  VA appointment at 1 p.m. with my friend Dr. Hewitson. Then Muni to G.P. Zeph at C.B. I offer Sudoku the seat across from me and he eventually accepts. #36 to Jun’s hair salon. He’s busy with two women so I agree to come back on Monday. Pakwan resto and home. Insight: Parents gas-lighted me. Now I’m gas-lighting myself.

January 17 dream:  Finish a job in Santa Cruz. More work available there if someone is interested and available.

January 17 dream:  Am at get-together at my parents’ new place. I start cleaning things up ’cause I don’t know what else to do. I think I’m finished. Someone says they’ll show me what needs to be done. I say: “It’s hard to figure out what’s an art project and what just needs cleaning up.”

January 16, 2020:  Go to VA for 10 a.m. appointment. It’s pouring rain when I go out the door. Two young guys rush ahead of me to back seat I was eyeing. Later I forgave them after seeing how cute one of them was. Really nice lady at VA changing the bandage on my back. Stop at La Promenade on Balboa. #31 and #29 home. Follow cute guy in W.F. Then go to W.F. cafe. Woman in line behind me and Sarah and I talk about Warren/Sanders spat. Woman says a girlfriend got a bloody nose over it. Work at home ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. and back home. Random thought on my walk: Perhaps even Bernie’s heart attack was related to Warren’s attack. That may be a stretch, but to me, worth considering. Things don’t happen by accident.

January 16 dream:  Someone in line I’m standing next to says: “I think they’ll take Hillary seriously.” I say: “Well, I think they took her pretty seriously last time since she won [the popular vote] by 3 million votes.” A younger, cuter, Elliott D. kisses me.

January 16 dream:  Tom O. gets in fight with my tall, gay, dandy friend from Farmers Insurance. At home, Tom takes a lot of shots. I try to take care of him.

January 15, 2020:  101 with John F. Two hours at Rincon Plaza. Then #49 to Bernie HQ. Run in to Mary there, just like I ran into her just as she was coming out of her house on Sunday, January 12. #49 home. W.F. cafe. Realized in p.m. what the cyst (knife) in my back is all about. I know this may seem far-fetched, but I think it relates to my identification with Bernie and his being stabbed in the back in last night’s debate by Elizabeth Warren. Now if only I could figure out about my back pain is all about. (*Woman in W.F. cafe on 1/16 told me about a girlfriend who got a nose bleed over it.)

January 15 dream:  Thane giving a talk about how this course hasn’t been taught in 10 years. And that some in the media don’t want us to do it. I marvel at how important he can make even little things seem.

January 15 dream:  Whole company moved to new neighborhood.

January 14, 2020:  Two calls from J. in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Then to Mt.D. Think of this 5th step conclusion: “Truth always wants to be fucked by Truth. Truth always wants to fuck Truth.” Then down to Monterey Blvd. #43 to W.F. My friend from hier not there. Watch debate in p.m. Then rest of Obama/Trump Frontline program.

January 14 dream:  Someone asks someone else about their book.

January 14 dream:  Get haircut by woman in library who I don’t like. I get up from my chair and leave.

January 13, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Then on to Mt.D. Hear and see 3 distant hawks on the way down. #43 to Bookstore stop. Then W.F. Run into same guy I saw on January 11. Stood in line behind him. Then berated myself later for not talking to him. Watch Frontline program about Obama/Trump in p.m.

January 13 dream:  Guy feeding us also had two big cans of gas on his cart. I thought it was to kill us with.

January 12, 2020:  Bernie tabling with Heidi at 18th & Castro. Arrive at Mary’s just as she is walking out the door. Patrick still stick. See woman with sash around her. I ask her what it says. It says: “Bride to Be.” After, go to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Then #36 to Safeway with “Bernie.” Talk briefly with Myka. Translation group in pm. Sense testimony: Powerful people abuse power and disrupt and corrupt democracy. My conclusion: The whole population rules the whole population through the indomitable utilization of omnipotent Truth, orderliness, honesty and honor.

January 12 dream:  Am about to have sex with woman in nice dress and bomber jacket. I turn up the thermostat. Someone says to her: “Don’t worry. It’ll heat up.” She says: “Oh, I think so.”

January 12 dream:  The Prosperos offices are being reconstructed. Lots of construction. Lots of new young people.

January 11, 2020:  Shits in a.m. Bernie tabling at 18th & Castro with John F., Heidi, Bradley, Kevin, Emma, Tyler, Simi, Pedro, Charlotte, Tanner and me (11 people). Scott Shafer from KQED-FM interviewed some of us. After, take #35 to G.P. Zeph and Suduko there. Then walk to Safeway. Feel very happy. #43 home. Then go to library and 7-11 to find CalPers letter I lost hier. Then to W.F. Cute guy smiles at me and vice versa on leaving. Blank phone message from 2:41 p.m. when I get home.

January 11 dream:  Someone throws acid at a cartoon character and now he no longer has a face.

January 11 dream:  Trying to find a place to sleep. Go into living room. Everyone else follows. I brush my teeth. Woman asks about cruelty to plants.

January 10, 2020:  In ’til 4:30ish. Had tough nite last nite since I couldn’t sleep comfortably due to my cyst removal operation hier. Got a lot of work done on BB, OSF, Zontaphotos. Then go out to run some errands. Stop by W.F. Rush towards good-looking cashier who ignored me. Later ran into other guy at W.F. cafe who also was unimpressed by me. I later figured out the 1st guy was a forewarning of the 2nd guy. (Lost letter from CalPers.)

January 10 dream:  Keeping track of Bernie. I leave my apt. in the middle of the night. My neighbor gets up, too. I joke: “Step away, Heathen.” She is my stepsister Nancy, I think.

January 10 dream:  Homeless guy pays $10 to stay over one night in our hotel.

January 10 dream:  Left Tom O’s. He was eating lots of large strawberries and tomatoes. Find laptop on the path I took. It had directions to pick a song and send him back a message. I was trying to figure out how to do that at a spot where things were artificially(?)  sent to us and in fact now surrounded us. Guy said: “We’re a lot more together now.”

January 9, 2020:  In ’til 12:45 p.m. #29 and #38 to VA. #38 was excruciatingly slow, as was the operation to remove the knife in my back, I mean, the cyst on my back. Was under the knife for more than an hour. Uncomfortable because I felt kind of “shitty” throughout. Female nurse touching me made me want to hit her. After operation, went to bathroom and ran into cute guy. We kind of fell into each other’s eyes. Stopped at La Promenade Cafe on Balboa. Sat across from cute guy. Sat across from cute/sweet guy on #29. Later cute guy in W.F. smiled at me after I cruised him.

January 9 dream:  Richard Hartnett runs from William Fennie. Both are dogs. Another dog helps Richard and Richard thinks the other dog is hot, but “not now.”

January 9 dream:  In NYC. Don’t like it. Can’t find the right clothes to wear or the right food to eat. Go to Grandma Smith’s house. Look thru old family drawings that we did. She’s there. I say: “Hi, Grandma Smith.” She says: “What are you doing here?” I say: “Looking thru old family drawings.” She says: “So?”

January 9 dream:  Trip to London. Cross the Thames, I think.

January 8, 2020:  Shits in a.m. 101 with John F. from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. Pretty good day. Send text to John H. saying: “FYI: The League of PO’d Voters did NOT endorse Bernie.” (*Relates to shits in a.m.?)  Then head to Bernie HQ. Pick up paltry supplies after Holly ignores me for about 10 minutes. Left my clipboard behind. Go to Muddy Waters with “Bernie.”’ Then #49 home. Pain class in p.m. Last class of the series. Talked to Lauren from Toronto in break-out group.

January 8 dream:  Record of debt paid in full to bully who I used to have a relationship with. I made a special drawer for it. Woman said she wanted to be kept informed if there were any changes.

January 8 dream:  Get several gifts in the mail from family and friends.

January 7, 2020:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Stay there a while. Then on the Redstone Building at 16th & Mission. SF Berniecrats meeting at 7 p.m. Mary, Patrick, Ben, Brandon, Heidi, etc. Good meeting. Get #49 home right away. Sit next to cute guy even though there were many other seats available. He smiled at me as he got off at 30th & Mission.

January 7 dream:  In the Navy. Our two ships in port, side by side, flipped completely over. We were expected to get on board anyhow. So I jumped into this scooping thing and was about to join the others when it felt like I should wait for some sort of instructions.

January 7 dream:  Big hard-on dream.

January 7 dream:  Guy asks us on camera what we like about the news. I say: “Hope.” Earlier Phoebe (from Friends) in graduation gown. I tell her “Congratulations.”

January 6, 2020:  Dentist appointment at 1 p.m. Meet Danny, my dental assistant. I told him I liked his pink gloves. He said “Too bad they don’t have taste.” After he finished he said, “They’re all there.” I said: “Oh, you mean your fingers.” Walk to Castro. Then walk all the way up Market St. to Diamond Hts. and G.C.P. and G.P. Zeph and Brandon at C.B. At one point Brandon and Zeph are talking. I am very envious, though I don’t know of whom. #36 to Safeway. #43 home. Cute Asian guy I followed to the back of the bus. He sat across the aisle from very cute young white guy. I enjoyed the energy between them. Sent Claire Lau YouTube about “Male Privilege.” Possible snow in S.F. on TV news. Anonymous call in p.m.

January 6 dream:  Meeting of traditional religious groups on campus to discuss and send out mailer. (h.o.)

January 6 dream:  Meeting of alternative religious group. I thought it was just Christian Scientists but apparently was broadened. Pres. Trump on crutches visits. I talk to him. Tell him I had a dream about him and he was on crutches. Fetch two boxes of envelopes for him. He seemed interested in what we were doing.

January 6 dream:  Buy some pot at local shop which I later smoke. Me and Hanz walking to my place in S.F. I say: “Shit!” ’cause I see other old apt. bldg. on fire. We sit and watch fire. Kamala Harris stops by. My young nephew Jordan is with us. I can’t remember his name. I say to Kamala: “This is my brother’s son.” Jordan says: “I have another half.”

January 6 dream:  Comparing rooms with my neighbor Stephen Colbert. We both have a piano (he has four), etc. He also has 3 or 4 roommates. I have 2 or 3.

January 5, 2020:  Bernie tabling with Patrick and Rick at 18th & Castro. Next to Warren table and Mayor Pete table. We actually started talking with each other this time. Met fun Latino named Dennis. I told him all about FDR whom he had never heard of. Then try to get #35 but it wouldn’t be coming for 35 minutes so I took K home. Run into Dakota. Then home. Then run into Jared at library. Then Jesse at W.F. cafe.

January 5 dream:  Am about to present a class or workshop. Am not very prepared. Don’t have time to go over my notes ’cause I have to shower, etc. People get in line in front of me for the bathroom.

January 5 dream:  Get six or so packages in one day. Including $1.33 (or so) inheritance from 1953.

January 5 dream:  Several boys examine my eyes with Rube Goldberg-type gadget. I get up and say: “What did you see?” They go on to someone else.

January 5 dream:  Guy with knife is in our building. I call the cops. They say, “Is this . . . ?” I say: “No, it is Impossible, the place where cops rape the raped.” Black family in same room.

January 5 dream:  Move to new apt. at 1063 . . . . Mailbox leads to area with lots of free donuts.

January 5 dream:  Go to resort for a week. Didn’t really want to go at first, but now I don’t want to leave. Superman shows up. It’s raining when we have to leave. (h.o.)

January 4, 2020:  Bernie tabling with John F., Heidi, Ian and guy whose name I forgot. Guy comes up to us and says: “Don’t break it.” Also Jim B. and John H’s former boss. Then #35 to G.P. Two cute guys on board. Couldn’t decide which one I wanted. Uh, both. Zeph at C.B. #36 to Safeway. Black woman at Safeway says I’m better looking than Bernie (who I had on my T-shirt). #43 home. Hear “snowbound” on the movie Namesake.

January 4 dream:  Am part of new distribution center in center of the country.

January 4 dream:  Roseanne Barr and her male counterpart in yelling conversation that turns to laughing. He called someone a big fat fuck.

January 3, 2020:  In ’til 3ish. #43 to Arizmendi. Walk to Peet’s Cole Valley. Daniel there. #43 home. Cute/happy guy gets off at 4th Avenue. I hope he’s happy because of my attention. Sarah, Jesse, Charlie, cute gay guy, cute woman in bakery at W.F. Apt. feels very hot when I get home.

January 3 dream:  New big black guy is given two minutes in a therapy session. He takes longer. Someone criticizes him after. I stand up for him.

January 3 dream:  Racing along freeway. Corner where people try to make a game of dashing over to avoid cars. Then notice guy hanging on to my car and another car as he skates. Then arrive at destination. Look for address. Other guy tries to take something from my trunk. Guy on the freeway catches up and nails other guy.

January 3 dream:  School assignment. At first, I was not allowed to take text. Then teacher realized I had taken it before and allowed me to try to improve my score. Had to find 4 different foods which corresponds to 4 different food groups. I couldn’t figure it out.

January 3 dream:  Laurie going to be in a play this weekend.

January 2, 2020:  Get up early. Worked on BB and emails. Jerked off. 101 with John F. Call from guy who kept calling me “John” as he talked about my timeshares. Shirtless runner smiles at me. Also older black guy cruises me. 1-1/2 hour at Rincon. #14 to Bernie HQ. Translated: “I expect lack of cooperation.” My conclusion: “Truth expects Truth.” Then get phone call from Bernie campaign. Find out it was Holly from Bernie HQ who said she’d come right down and meet me. Also Translated: “I am at odds with my body.” My conclusion: “My body is of one mind.” #49 home. Cruised young guy at W.F. cafe and vice versa. Feeling “shitty” all day.

January 2 dream:  Some guy gives me custody of his boyfriend Mark in his absence. Then run into her with a painting. I ask her if she did it herself. She says she acquired it. Then run into young guy who looked a little lost.

January 2 dream:  Something coming up.

January 1, 2020:  Dinner with John F. and Rick at Tommy’s Joint. (Hear on news in p.m. that there were 12 births at Sutter Van Ness hospital, right next door, that day.) Then come home. Sarah and jesse at W.F. cafe. Shits on getting home. Worked on monthly BB update. See Mysterious Skin in p.m. (*Relates to first dream of 12/30?)

January 1 dream:  By enjoying sex with my father, I was betraying God? Garden of Eden: God throwing me out ’cause I enjoy sex?

December 31, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See Jun on Monterey Blvd. He beckons me into his salon. I want to hug him but see he doesn’t went that. (*Relates to hawk/crow from hier, I think.) Continue to G.P. Angelique at C.B. Her last day, she said. Also my old man friend. Let’s call him Sudoku since that’s what he does. Say goodbye to Angelique. Think I forgot my earphone plugs so I go back. Then find them in my pocket. Leave again. Run into beautiful blonde woman who smiles at me. I stick around until I am no longer afraid of her. Then on to G.C.P. Coyote there. Also hear hawk but don’t see him/her. Stop at Mollie Stones. Flirt with bagger. Mt.D. Stop by Beep’s. Houri wouldn’t even look at me, but ambulance siren just before I got my order.

December 31 dream:  Cenk and Jesus and others to play game over the weekend. I may have been invited as well. (h.o.)

December 31 dream:  Reviewing old movie of two people who get new apts. My apt. starts shaking and we evacuate, along with everybody else. The apt. building is a lone building under the freeway. Everybody is naked on leaving. Cute guy comes towards me at the end.

December 31 dream:  Guy singing takes off his jacket and he has no clothes on. He’s handsome but his cocks (or something) are hanging from his tits. New naked woman thinks he’s just singing naked for the attention.

December 30, 2019:  Work on MSM Chapter 13. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Hawk/crow on way. Car burglary scene at Portola parking lot. Then Mt.D. Then Safeway. Older guy smiling weirdly at me as I leave. Go to Beep’s. No Houri. Have to wait in line. Translate. Then I get my order right away, much to the chagrin of some who had ordered before me. Shits in p.m.

December 30 dream:  Guy pissing keeps other person trapped. In final scene, he pisses thru muddy water and the stream surfaces. Also Addendum II applications.

December 30 dream:  Driving backwards with guy in convertible cart, talking about other guy I just met. My friend says he demanded a certain kind of respect.

December 30 dream:  Picking up trash in three empty lots with freshly grown grass. Then went thru gate in muddy water with others. When I saw we were headed to a religious ritual, I bowed out, though my friend wanted me to stay.

December 29, 2019:  Still thinking about Hugh Dancy in his underwear from Hannibal last night. It felt more like I wanted to protect him than fuck him. In ’til 3ish. Rainy day. Walk to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Chubby guy at Starbucks Portola. Then Oakland Raiders fan on #36. Then Safeway. Then #43 home. Then fire sirens. Then see Houri again at Beep’s. He’s happy to see me. I’m happy to see him. He sold his $150 49ers tickets for $3,000 a piece. He told me his business plans briefly. I wished him luck. (BTW, a houri is a “a beautiful young woman, especially one of the virgin companions of the faithful in the Muslim Paradise.”) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Beliefs keep out-picturing in our lives until we no longer believe them. My conclusion: I believe that I am Reality, that I am whole, complete, perfect Mind knowing Itself as Mind, believing all things, permitting all things, loving all things, seeing through all things as the appearance, apparency of my/our own Being. From Hannibal tonight: “Certain traumas can arrest vocal development.” My upstairs neighbor returns home with a bang. (*See dream of December 28.)

December 29 dream:  Taking a photo of Kamala Harris’s campaign site, like an abandoned rose queen.

December 28, 2019:  Bernie tabling with Heidi, John F., Eric and me at 18th & Castro. (Accidentally walk in on woman in bed at Mary’s place, while picking up the literature.) Guy dancing at the corner. Some very beautiful men. One beautiful Asian man with dreads wrapped on top of his head. Walk table & literature back to Mary’s. Then “Bernie” and I walk back to the Castro. #35 to G.P. Zeph and Brandon at C.B. Then walk to Safeway. Then #43 home.

December 28 dream:  Trapped in old prison house. We were told if we broke the window that we could escape. We broke the window. Earlier we broke something else. I said: “We aren’t ever going to get out of here, are we?” The warden said, “No.”

December 27, 2019:  Anonymous 6:30 a.m. call! In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Older and younger man pass me on my way up. I see them again on top. Then Starbucks Portola. Big guy in shorts smiles at me. #43 home. Houri at Beep’s Burgers. I asked his name, I tell him, ’cause he didn’t have his name tag on.

December 27 dream:  Big happy family reunion. Meet at garden in resto. Then at Nancy’s house. Her husband wants to take us flying or motorcycling. Tonight we go to see a movie. The cycling and airplane may kill us, I joke.

December 27 dream:  Have to wait in line to take a shit.

December 27 dream:  Helping with a group resume. Trying to get thru small space in building to deliver papers. Only I forgot the papers. Person with a lot of dogs.

December 26, 2019:  101 with John F. from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. Very cold. Lots of pigeon feeding. Lilly Beth gave me some flowers. Laugh openly at guy who tells me he’s Michael Bloomberg supporter. Also guy from Russia who takes selfie with me and “Bernie.” Bernie fan at Super Duper who told me he contributed $2800 to Bernie. Then two hours at Rincon, including half hour conversation with Yang supporter. Then F to Castro. On #35 to G.P. I slip and fellow passenger holds on to “Bernie.” I thank him. He says: “He’s our guy.” Other passenger agrees. I say: “Yeah, he is.” Mae, Khahn and other cute Asian guy at C.B. BART and #8 home. Jesse at W.F. Feel like I’ve lost a big chunk of my ego. See wonderful 3 hour National Geographic documentary about The Greeks in p.m.

December 26 dream:  Am not being listened to at trustee’s meeting. I sit in other room with some others and ponder my next move.

December 26 dream:  I am a giant in the land of Tinker toy trucks and motels.

December 25, 2019:  Finish MSM Chapter 12. In ’til 2ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Follow cute Asian guy on Ocean. Turn around and admire him. Starbucks Portola. Walk to Mt.D. Guy walking with large group smiles knowingly at me as I walk up path to Mt.D. Young guy on Ridgewood cruises me and vice versa.

December 25 dream:  Big financial grant to our school. My heart skipped several beats.

December 25 dream:  Getting ready to move out of apt.  Step on big but hollow cockroach.

December 25 dream:  I’m late for work at my first day as an Oakland policeman. Stop at Tenderloin resto which takes up the whole block. Meet waitress there who likes me. Then another. Should I tell her I’m gay?

December 24, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. #23 to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Coyote Lady and three coyotes. Dog goes after one of the coyotes. They spar a bit. Coyote Lady goes crazy. Mollie Stones. Barista at Starbucks Portola is the one who came onto me on September 25. Mt.D. New vegetable guy at W.F. There’s chocolate chunks in the vegetable section. I say to him: “Is chocolate a vegetable now?” He says: “At Christmas it is.” Buy some chocolate and speak with him again on the way out. Write “The Grinch Who Stole The Prosperos” in p.m.

December 24 dream:  Calvin had been doing a lot of research on the Army. I asked him about the Army/McCarthy hearings. (h.o.)

December 23, 2019:  Bad night last nite following 1 a.m. “earthquake” from upstairs apt. Then in ’til noonish. Take #29 and #38 to VA. Have psychic battle with male receptionist at Module 3 on my way in and things loosen up on my way out. Stop at Le Promenade Cafe on Balboa. Send text to caller from earlier in the day: “Missed ur call.” Fire sirens  follow. #31 to Parker. Follow cute guy with cute dog into G.G. Park. I begin conversation. I say: “All the new grass makes everything beautiful.” He says: “Yeah, everything’s fine now.” Photo on Haight Street store: “You know exactly what you have to do.” Take #37 to Castro. Then #24. Follow hustler-type guy off. Then pass him by. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. Too crowded. Run to catch #23. I follow beautiful h.s. student off at Foerster. See Jesse briefly at Railroad Expresso. Then #43 home. Guy looking for salad dress at W.F.

December 23 dream:  Wake up having sex with myself or anyone in general. I knew I was okay.

December 23 dream:  My boss at work, a trendy magazine, asks me what I think of myself sexually. I say: “Sometimes I think of myself as Gay, sometimes as bi. Usually I  think of myself as just there.”

December 22, 2019:  Bernie tabling from 12:30 to 2:30 p.m. I got there early and Mary got there late. It was just the two of us. Slow day but we had the primo corner spot at the corner of 18th & Castro. J’s former boss passes by. Also cute Asian guy comes rushing towards me. Dangerous homeless guy yelling and throwing things at 19th & Castro. #35 to G.P. Angelique at C.B. Also Walter. #36 to Safeway. See Myka for the first time in several weeks. What I thought was an earthquake at 1 a.m.-ish was my upstairs neighbor having a party. Hope this means they will be going away soon. It has happened that way in the past.

December 22 dream:  Guy says in my dream: “I’d like to tame you.”

December 22 dream:  My father being forgetful.

December 22 dream:  Guy jokingly threatens me at big parade I’m in. Lots of people attending.

December 21, 2019:  Bernie tabling with John F., Mary, me, Cat, Richard and Heidi at 18th & Castro. Black guy comes on to me. Take #35 to G.P. On way to C.B., cute Asian guy on Chenery says he likes my T-shirt. I wonder why he says nothing about my Bernie button and the Bernie cut-out I am holding. Then realize he may be coming on to me. Just then (Thanks, Universe! I’m saying sarcastically) an old friend from Occupy (Ben) appears out of nowhere and we catch up. Zeph and Khanh and Mae at C.B. Khanh is moving to Manhattan. I told him I tried three different times to move there but it never worked out. Khanh said he was glad I ended up here. Jesse at W.F. cafe. Lost Bernie volunteer list in p.m. Felt bad about it. Translated it.

December 21 dream:  Coming into a train station, we were forced to get out and get on again with the new passengers.

December 20, 2019:  In ’til noonish. #29 and #38 to VA. Got run-around ’til 3:45 p.m. When I reach Balboa, the VA calls me and asks if I’m still in the VA. I’m not. Guy at 25th & Balboa with “Dragon” T-shirt. Take #29 home. Rowdy bunch of h.s. girls. Then even-rowdier bunch of black kids. I pledged that no matter what they did, I would not budge from my seat. Felt better having done that. Jesse at W.F.

December 20 dream:  At very ritzy hotel bar. Very heterosexual.

December 19, 2019:  Feeling sick. But not as sick as I thought. In ’til 3ish. Walk up to Mt.D. Guy stops me on way. Says he thought my TYT T-shirt said TNT! Later elderly Asian woman runs up to me and says, “Happy Birthday.” (*Relates to breakthrough of some sort.) Go to Starbucks. Then #43 home. Jesse at W.F. cafe.

December 19 dream:  Help introduce Buttigieg to crowd in Vegas: “Ladies and gentlemen, here’s Elvis.”

December 19 dream:  Offering to help out loved guy with his election campaign.

December 19 dream:  Moving into Vantaggio Suites. Open up my room to friend who brings his entire family.

December 18, 2019:  Rain cancelled 101. In ’til 1ish. Guy on K who stayed on for only two stops. Rincon ’til 3:30. Choke on something and nearly die. Cute black guy on BART on way home. Feeling like I wanted to fight cyclist who brushed past me. Pain class in p.m. In sharing afterwards, realize I use the name Mike instead of Michael because I want to get used to being loved, even though I think I don’t deserve it.

December 17, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique there for 3rd day. She asks me if I have Xmas plans. I say: “To get through it.” There is note on only empty table. It says: “Read me. 12/17/19.” So I read it. It’s a love poem to an unnamed woman. I showed it to Angelique. I say: “I think this was meant for you.” When I left she had finally read it. And seemed convinced it really was meant for her. Brandon there also. Walk thru G.C.P. See distant coyote. Shits at Mollie Stones. Hear owl on Mt.D. Home.

December 17 dream:  Two burners on the stove heat up too hot and break. Susan Sarandon gets home and sees it eventually. Tom O. used to prepare onion rolls for Jo and Larry on that stove.

December 17 dream:  About to play the part of a boy in a short skit. I’ve forgotten my lines and me and Nancy Lee are going thru all my papers to look for it. It’s on an 8-1/2 x 8-1/2 page.

December 16, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. As I say good-bye, some hot guy is chatting her up. See my old man friend on way out. Walk thru G.C.P. No coyotes, but see Janet, the Coyote Lady. She says: “They’re getting ready to leave.” I say: “Are they going down the peninsula?” She says: “The kids will be going in about a month. The adults will stay. They own this area.”

December 16 dream:  Guy was watching porn in his office at work. Now he’s dead. His lover wants me to cry with him and feel his tits.

December 16 dream:  Heather and her partner and I are all copying from the same written page. I’m slower than they are so Heather goes to next page. We get in a little skirmish.

December 16 dream:  Michael Brooks has a hangover and wants me to hang out with him. I want to catch bus, which I do. It’s a Muni bus but no seats inside and very dumpy.

December 16 dream:  4th Way teacher talks with me. He’s very friendly with me. And I with him. He shows me his fat stomach, which I don’t want. Says he’ll see me later in December.

December 15, 2019:  9 a.m. H.W. meeting online. Brought up Article IV, Section 6 of Prosperos By-Laws. Bernie tabling with John F. and Mary at 18th & Castro. Patrick, the Biden supporter, there. Then walk to Mary’s house and back with John F. Meet (other) John with his dog Pono on Castro. #35 to G.P. Angelique there. #23 and #43 home. Jesse with his boyfriend at W.F. cafe. Call from “Private Number” in p.m. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People who espouse spiritual knowledge are especially responsible to embody those values. My conclusion: People is the embodiment of one true identity, the reward of one true identity, the joy of one true identity.

December 15 dream:  Looking at several apartments/houses, last one with screaming, crazy tenant. They say: “We didn’t want you anyway.”

December 14, 2019:  Go to 18th & Castro for Bernie tabling. Nervous Mayor Pete’s people will be there. Nervous Jason will be there. Nervous John H. will be there. Nervous John H. won’t be there. Get to 18th & Castro just as bake sale is leaving. Perfect timing. Mayor Pete doesn’t show up. Neither does John H. But Jason does, as well as John F., Mary and Drew, a Harvard graduate in religion who will be going back to Minnesota next week. Walked with him and Mary to take lit back to Mary’s house. Then I took #35 to G.P. Zeph, Khanh and Christian at C.B. Also Brandon. Felt very happy on way home. #36 to Safeway, #43 home. Several emails about ’98 Deanship crisis. Fire alarm in p.m. (*Relates to Sue B’s email about ’98 Deanship crisis hitting home with some current “power” brokers, I think.)

December 14 dream:  Running through some terrifying blocks of S.F. There are gangs. Wonder why there are no police. Climb up tree back of house. Looks like I make it. Others following. Person in house bemused by all the activity.

December 14 dream:  I’m working on a video or a magazine about boxing, even though I never used to like it. Go to talk by male boxer about him. They have a better sort of rat now in their new location.

December 13, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Rainy-ish day. Walk to G.P. Zeph and new baristo Khanh there. I tell Khanh his name has a lot of “h’s.” Walk home via O’Shaughnessy. Young loud hawk on the way. Mt.D. Pakwan and home. Everything seems to be coming to a head: my Bernie activity, my Prosperos activity and my relationship with J.

December 13 dream:  As soon as anyone shot anything square shaped, all guns must be taken away.

December 12, 2019:  Wake up furious about setting up Bernie tabling this weekend. Jason reprimands me via email about something. I reply: “Yes, Daddy!” He stopped bothering me for several hours. In ’til 3ish. #43 to Arizmendi. N to Peet’s Cole Valley. Saw God in homeless man in wheelchair on N. Royale at Peet’s. Then other cute baristo I talked with on my way out. (*Relates to butterflies in my stomach just prior.) Take #37 to Castro. Then #35 to G.P. Then BART to Balboa Station. W.F. Home. Shits in p.m.

December 12 dream:  Woman’s voice in my head: “This…” Woke me up.

December 12 dream:  John H., working or posing as a cleaner at a wealthy home, offers sex for money there.

December 12 dream:  Girl and I were trying to find El Amarcine Road where they were filming a movie. According to Ben G., we missed it.

December 11, 2019:  Went to 101 with John F. Got rained out. John and I went to Rincon. I stayed on for two hours. Then visited Bernie HQ hoping for more stickers for the weekend. Not much luck. #49 home. Online pain class from 5 to 7 p.m. Learned how to think of our pain as our protector. Later, some email responses about my “Questioning the absolute power of the Executive Council” email.

December 11 dream:  At club I happened to be at, John H. is the entertainment, doing a sexy strip-tease sort of dance to music. Later at other place I am told he performs there as well.

December 10, 2019:  Get up early to send email to H.W. (“Questioning the absolute power of the Executive Council”) Several anonymous calls in a.m. Shits just as I’m about to leave at 3ish. Walk to G.P. Christina at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. See one coyote and Coyote Lady. Then two more coyotes on way out. Cute biracial student with afro near Mollie Stones. Tom cat on Chaves. Hear fight or something on Mt.D. Don’t see anything. W.F. Home.

December 10 dream:  Have landed on other planet. Don’t know if predecessor guy arrived one year, 5 years or a generation before us. Also why did we land on this particular part of the planet. There must have been a reason.

December 10 dream:  Am taking a shower naked at Santa Monica beach. I see the #2 bus take off with my keys and my clothes. Rush to downtown L.A. to follow it. Some guy gives me a pair of pants and an Army jacket which just suddenly appeared on the street. Pass thru very smoggy area. Then beautiful old building being renovated.

December 10 dream:  Trying to get some tall guy from Australia into the right line to see a live KQED presentation.

December 9, 2019:  In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Follow guy into C.B. Angelique there. I asked her about her interview. She said it went well. Sit next to Brandon. I say: “Are you going to leave your girlfriend behind [when you go to Oxford]?” He says: “Yes. For a while.” Translate “comfort” before I leave. Feel better. Walk thru G.C.P. Guy says there are 3 coyotes. I only see one, who is very close. She seems more interested in dog behind me. Stop by Mollie Stones. Friendly cat on Chaves rushes towards me. Then Mt.D. Then home. Decided to bring up Article IV, Section 6 at H.W. meeting this Sunday. (*May relate to coyote today?)

December 8, 2019:  Trustee meeting in a.m. William F. is all atwitter about Article IV, Section 6 of The Prosperos By-Laws which says the E.C. can veto any action of the Trustees or the H.W. He gets very offended and offensive. But glad I brought it up. Then rush to Market & 16th to pass out Bernie literature with Jason at Santa Skivvies Run. Then to 18th & Castro kitty-corner from Mayor Pete’s table. Woman’s T-shirt says: “Not Today.” Run to catch #35 to G.P. Angelique at C.B. I tell her I’ve been campaigning with “Bernie” in the Castro. She says she doesn’t keep up with local politics. I say Bernie’s not local. She says: “That’s what I mean.” #36 to Edna. Jun back from China. Walk home. Jesse at W.F. cafe. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: More complex data management systems may entangle individuality and violate privacy. My conclusion: Truth is the only complex data management system in the Universe; It apprehends all because it is the one inviolate private Individual.

December 8 dream:  Man and woman making out.  Later they tell me they were auditioning for my play. My roommate put up a new picture which I really liked.

December 7, 2019:  Mary and I decide to cancel Bernie events today and tomorrow due to rain. In ’til 2ish. Walk toward G.P. Too rainy and windy to go on. Go to W.F. cafe. Then library. Can’t even walk home from library. The water is so thick on the sidewalks. I take another way. Then double back. Worked on MSM Chapter 10. Then walk to Safeway earlier than usual. Myka not there. Waiting for #43, fantasize about woman next to me having her way with me. Stop by Philz on way home. Cute baristo there. Then home.

December 7 dream:  At grocery store window(?), everyone is critical of my coffee(?) but congratulatory of their own. (h.o.)

December 7 dream:  Office tells me i’m getting a new roommate. i get mad at blond guy in office (not him personally). I read him the convoluted letter they sent me. I say: “Why couldn’t they just tell me that I’m getting a new roommate?” Then find out it’s going to be him. I like him. Hope I haven’ t screwed things up.

December 6, 2019:  Hard nite last nite. Bernie tabling from 10 a.m. to noon with Patrick at CCSF. Dakota stops by. W.F. cafe. Home. Take nap. Rainy day, sort of. Go to Fog Lifter cafe. Could not get WiFi. Then had pork buns at Chinese place. Could get WiFi there. Finally decide to walk up to Mt.D. and back. Talk to Mary Leatherman about Bernie tabling tomorrow, weather permitting. Which it doesn’t look like it will.

December 6 dream:  Thane mentions the book The Well of Loneliness.

December 6 dream:  Inside very ornate building. Get stuck when I climb up to ledge. Can’t get down. Then I do. I am with masculine woman I like.

December 6 dream:  Take super train out of town at lunch. Land at place called Happy _____. It is where all the criminals are buried(?) Try to catch train back. Someone calls me by my name. Only other train is going in the same direction. Young blonde school girl likes young blond school boy.

December 5, 2019:  Dictate Chapters 10 and 11 of MSM. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Get into RHS of my father. Give him credit for his comment: “Sometimes I wish you’d just hit me.” He was right to point out that I never even got angry with him to his face. Later I wondered if my brother Tom had the same reaction to him as I did. (*Relates to Mack Truck dream of December 3?) Mutation: Saw “Joey” written on the sidewalk. Joey was the name my brother and I called each other when we talked at night about what we’d do when we grew up. See “Perfect” on way to Peet’s W.P. Young boy there looks at me with interest. “Perfect” relates to cute baristo at Peet’s W.P. who left at same time as I did. I follow him to submarine sandwich shop and break my vegetarian rule to eat near him. Saw “Perfect” again which relates to young boy with glasses on the K home. Friendly black guy smiles at me at W.F. Then Jesse at W.F. cafe. Saw Bohemian Rhapsody movie in p.m. Cried my eyes out.

December 5 dream:  Bar-B-Q. I dropped last piece of my burger. Dog ate it. Then wanted everything else.

December 5 dream:  Sitting around table kidding each other about the last time we all got together.

December 5 dream:  At English beach town. See beautiful blue-eyed guy with girl. See him again and then I go after him.

December 4, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Older guy on Mt.D. kind of smirks at me. Go to Mollie Stones. Then walk down to W.P. #43 stops by unexpectedly. Take it home. W.F. Severe but attractive woman from #43 at W.F. cafe also. Shift pain seminar in p.m. They asked us to remember the last time our pain came on. For me, it was connected to yoga class with Lucia. I was very happy with my yoga class. Felt I was doing well. Was getting out of myself. Then pain came along. Then remembered my kiss with Cree in 1969 when I was on LSD. Very happy, followed by wave of fear. Also, I brought up question of children who had to be parents of their parents. Which I think I was. “Shaman” from class of November 6 joined our group again and totally ended our group discussion. Later in p.m. Enrique from SF Berniecrats joined conference call. (*Relates to 3rd dream of December 3, I think.)

December 4 dream:  Fake girl gets raped. (h.o.)

December 4 dream:  Giving away free slippers.

December 3, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Skunk at Coventry alley. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Then walk down to W.P. Buy X’mas cards and calendars for next year. Then go to Peet’s W.P. Get call for John Pinkerton. (*Relates to shits from hier, I think.) Meet same guy I sat next to on November 18, the day the power went out in the tunnel. Bay Area Bernie call in p.m. Nice email from Sue Beck re MSM, Chapter 9 on The Prosperos. Was moved by Ben from SF Berniecrats email noting that I would not be at meeting on Wednesday, so would I like to endorse via email, which I did.

December 3 dream:  Get in my VW bug. Hear someone breathing. Call out. Can hardly speak. Then I can.

December 3 dream:  Driving a Mack Truck thru town. Have to use emergency brakes to make sure we stop at stop sign. Small boys running around in the streets. We are driving towards Livermore. Tom O. is my co-pilot. I wonder what we will do when we get there. He says: “Don’t worry. I’ll help you.” He says I’m a good basketball player. Earlier Whoopi Goldberg being abused.

December 3 dream:  Melissa yelling about something while something dramatic is going on which I am trying to pay attention to.

December 2, 2019:  Anonymous call about 8:20 a.m. Later get call from 2175 Market for 1 bedroom, 1 den BMR apt. for $1380/mo. Minimum monthly income required is $2800/mo. So I’m not eligible but it sounded nice and it feels like I’m getting closer and closer (including Sonoma) to the right place for my next adventure. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Woman at CCSF falls to the ground. Me and two others help her to her car. Guy on Joost walking his dog. I notice his nice ass. He turns to the side and spits. Later we exchange glances. He’s standing by his heterosexuality. Brandon and Angelique at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Very pregnant woman on cell phone at apex of park. Then young hawk. Then Mt.D. Am forced to be like a bear in the woods. Get call from “Private Number” around 7 p.m.

December 2 dream:  Take several one-time courses on, like, individuality. Then a multi-subject one on the “we group.” Even though I’m taking another course at the time.

December 2 dream:  Starting new job at school. Have to put numbered bits of paper into proper slots. Kids are very nice. One boy asked me excitedly: “Is this the day we dissect a dog?”

December 2 dream:  Something about Michaelmas.

December 2 dream:  Finishing up 3 or 4 invitational letters. One was done in a comedic way. Was on beautiful campus. V.P. Biden in building I went to. Guy practicing his role on Lincoln’s deathbed. I thought: You know, you aren’t going to be here forever.

December 1, 2019:  Bills. Monthly BB. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Rain increasing. I arrive at Starbucks Portola. Get in line. See “Perfect.” Think: What could I possibly do here that would merit a “Perfect.” Then saw Taylor (the “Otter Woman”) from November 16 and before. Sat down at big table across from him. We talked briefly on and off. Finally I asked him if he lives around here. He says: “Yes. We’ve lived here for about 20 years.” I said: “You don’t look like you’ve lived 20 years anywhere.” He seemed happy. I said good-bye. Caught #36 and #43 buses right away. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Homelessness may be the outcome of growing up in an unwelcoming home. My conclusion: Truth is habit-forming, all-inhabiting, cohabiting, infinite Habitation/Habituation, always welcome and welcoming, the only environment, the only familiar, the only outcome, the only family.

December 1 dream:  In a dream talking about the last time I was here and the little boy asked me for pancakes. I went and looked and there weren’t any. This time I invite the little boy to come with me and all sorts of other people come too. I started to explain all this to everyone with me.

November 30, 2019:  In ’til 2:45ish. Rainy. Cold. Walk to Safeway. Myka not there. #43 home right away. Put groceries away and go to W.F. cafe. My friends Sarah and Jesse there. I’m wearing my Spike’s T-shirt. When Jesse asks me where Spike’s is, I forget my pin no. and have to start over.

November 30 dream:  Starting new job as secretary for $14/hr. Lots of black plastic forks. Then I’m working for old lady who belittles me. I try to make dinner but there’s nothing to work with. (*Relates to meeting Taylor on December 1?)

November 30 dream:  Big white eagle.

November 30 dream:  Dog convinced I am carrying drugs.

November 30 dream:  Was in line to go to movie. There was a line for the front door and a line for the back door. I chose the back door line. I was supposed to meet two friends, but they weren’t there yet. Put a hammer under my coat just in case I ran into trouble. It was supposed to be a tuff crowd.

November 29, 2019:  Call around 8:30 a.m. (*Relates to G.C.P. hawk from November 27?) I jump out of bed to answer it. Caller doesn’t speak. Insight: Me not wanting to give in to my sexuality for fear of losing my memory of coming from God? 101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Two hours at Rincon. Very noisy dinner party there. Take F to Castro. Couple of guys get very excited about “Bernie.” They take pictures and say they’re going to “photo bomb” them. Waited at 19th & Castro for #35. My heart constricts. Guy with two dogs asked me to take picture of them with “Bernie.” One dog wouldn’t pay attention to me. He was looking at something/someone on 19th Street. #35 to G.P. Wait for #23. Cute skateboarder smiles at me. Then I join him in the back seat of the bus. I walk home from Monterey & Guerrero. Watched document about scientology in the p.m.

November 28, 2019:  #49 to Tommy’s Joint. Met John F., Rick and Ken for Thanksgiving. Really liked both Rick and Ken. We talked mostly about the “Academy” where John and Rick live now and where Ken used to live. #49 home. Loud black guy says of me: “Anybody who wears boots like that is military. He’s got a .45 in his hip pocket. He ain’t playing. Pop. Pop. Pop.” Cute Latino guy looks at me. I say with my eyes; “He’s lying. I’m not dangerous. AND: I love you. So maybe I am dangerous.” Walk to W.P. looking for Chron. Walk up to Starbucks Portola. Barista there recognizes me from September 25. Gives me a “Bernie discount.” Lost my pen. WiFi not working and rude guy across from me keeps staring me while talking on his phone. As I leave, I catch the eye of cute student sitting across from me. Mt.D. Home.

November 28 dream:  I notice person in window and stand in corner to avoid him.

November 28 dream:  Girl chorus in hall singing about sin or even the hint of sin. I try to rush through them.

November 28 dream:  A female Catholic father.

November 28 dream:  Phone rings in dream. I can barely say: “I’m having ____ trouble signing up for social ___. So think about that.” I know caller is furious with me.

November 27, 2019:  In ’til 2:30ish. Walk from library up Plymouth Street. Woman in electric wheelchair talking French to me and riding back and forth thru a puddle on the sidewalk. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. says he’s going to view Terminator I, too. (That’s the one with my brother Tom in it.) Walk to G.C.P. Coyote Lady there plus two young coyote brothers who like each other, she says. Other woman joined us and told us she heard hawk dive and catch snake at nearby Walter Haas Park. Later hawk flies to perch in nearby tree at G.C.P. Go up to Mollie Stones. Ryan is my checkout boy. Very cute. Walk to Mt.D. Think about what Lucia said about the hamstring muscles being the probable cause of lower back pain. And why would I have hamstring pain? See diary of August 7. Walk home. Turn on radio, which I rarely do. Mandy Patinkin saying, “When someone knocks, open your door.”

November 27 dream:  Sneaking out of restricted area of highway or bridge with guy who likes me. Looking at different versions of the planet Pluto in my astrological chart.

November 26, 2019:  In ’til 1:30ish. Rainy day. #43 and #29 to Purusha Yoga, first time in almost a year. Great seeing everybody again. Lucia there. At one point I had an overwhelming desire to share something with her: that the pain in my left leg was less than in my right. She was busy with others. I had to practically wrestle myself to the ground to overcome this urge to renew our special relationship. I asked myself: “Is this really that important?” The moment passed without harm to anybody. I’m sure this relates to my relationship with my mother. Lucia later announced she won’t be back ’til December 17. Beautiful Purusha woman receptionist smiles at me. Met Rufiel(?) on #31 on way home. He’s an artist and very interesting person. Felt very happy on #29 home. W.F. Then home.

November 26 dream:  I’m trying to form the shape of a bottle on the ground with old socks, etc. Thane there. We’re going to burn it in effigy? (h.o.)

November 26 dream:  They’re paving a wet street. So resto/bar opens at 5 p.m. instead of 4:30. Last day of conference.

November 25, 2019:  In bed at about 8:40 a.m. My heart suddenly starts pounding. I think: What’s going on? Then get phone call. I let it go to answering machine. Person stays on but doesn’t leave a message. (*Relates, I think, to murder of crows – my heart pumping, hawk – the call itself, and the young coyote – caller mad at me, from hier.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. She shows me one of her art pieces from her show on November 23. It’s good. Brandon at C.B. as well. Also my old man friend though he didn’t look at me today. Walk thru G.C.P. No murder of crows, no hawks, no coyotes, no Coyote Lady. On to Mt.D. #43 home. Insight: Realized today or hier that Thane was with The Prosperos from 1956 to 1989 or 33 years. Same as Jesus was allegedly with us. Perhaps there is something significant about that number. Hugh John (from The Prosperos) called me in p.m. We talked for over an hour. He convinced me to rejoin the dream group meeting on Thursdays, one of whose members is Al Haferkamp, the dean of The Prosperos. (*Relates to 1st dream of November 23. As I told H.J. on the call, if I dream of certain people it does not necessarily mean that I’m dreaming about those people. It means I’m dreaming about somebody who resembles those people in how I feel about them. So in the November 23 dream I dreamt of Steve Hines but it was really Hugh John himself I was dreaming of. Tom C. represented John H. Both beautiful men who I kind of put on a pedestal. And Thane represented himself. He was smiling slyly as he made his comic exit on the conveyor belt.

November 25 dream:  In Las Vegas with Al H., trying to show him something about rehearsal space. (h.o.)

November 25 dream:  Girl who hid money gets away with it for now.

November 25 dream:  In old fashioned elevator with Jean Evans. It doesn’t work. I decide to walk down. Leigh asks me to write down my number and give it to someone at her work. I am doing that when Carol Burnett walks by and comments on the beautiful flowers she saw. She said I should put one on my black dinner jacket (which had suddenly appeared on me). I tried not to act too impressed and at the same time hoped friends nearby caught the whole scene.

November 24, 2019:  9 a.m. High Watch meeting online. Pam R. pissed off at me for observing last month that the meeting amounted to a conversation between her and Calvin. (*Relates to female coyote hier in G.C.P, I think.) Walk to G.P. I sit next to couple with woman showing PDO (public display of ownership) at C.B. My old friend there as he was last time I was in a similar situation at that cafe. Walked to G.C.P. Murder of crows. One hawk flying overhead. One young male coyote approaching more closely than ever before. (*See diary of November 25.) Janet (the “Coyote Lady”) there too. On to Mt.D. Then friendly Asian guy smiles at me on Ridgewood. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Holding tightly to anything of value may prevent others from partaking of it. My conclusion: Truth is all the same Consciousness holding onto Itself effortlessly, realizing It is the only Subject, the only Object, of infinite utility, all partaking of all without opposition.

November 24 dream:  In the corner office, I’m trying to fix something. The water is rising. Daddy-long legs is caught and we need to use him to regenerate something. Maybe we’re in Wichita. And the boss just left on vacation for several months.

November 24 dream:  Was with my boss. Going thru lots of underground doors, etc. Everything very modern. Finally came out to street level. Run into Gary Rudy (from Saratoga High). He says the guy at the reunion was an imposter and “mutineer” who is the most wanted man in the country.

November 24 dream:  At the office looking for microwave to cook bagels with eggs in them. Two women on our side of the office get excited about “pleasing the prince.”

November 24 dream:  Staying over nite at my parents’ house. In bed with no bottom sheets and random strands of hair on it. Then wrestling match which was disappointing. Larry Cantu from Washington D.C. Joins me. He hardly speaks to me and he has a bloody broken arm in a cast which reaches into his chest.

November 23, 2019:  Woke up deciding that my back pain may be related to my yoga class, specifically to Lucia, my yoga instructor. And, as Dr. John Sarno said in his books, sometimes pain can be used as a way to divert the ego from facing something uncomfortable. And I think my relationship to Lucia was getting dangerous in some way. Not sure how yet. But will find out on Tuesday. (*May relate to 2nd dream of November 19.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. I tell him I saw Terminator 3 last nite. He said: “How did you think Arnold looked?” I said: “Pretty good.” Walk to G.C.P. See Janet (the “Coyote Lady”) talking so some people. And one pretty close coyote. (*Relates to Pam R. at November 24 High Watch meeting, I think.) Go to Mt.D. Then Safeway. Was in line for checkout with Myka when other guy invited me to his checkout. So I went there. Asian guy at bus stop said something about 430 car or 450 car? I couldn’t understand him, but he smiled a lot.

November 23 dream:  At Prosperos meeting, someone asks Tom C. a question and he says, “I’m not God.” I say, “Yes, you are.” He says, “No, I’m not.” I say: “Well, there’s God in you.” I’m sitting up front with Steve Hines(?) He is picking out interesting movies for me. My styrofoam cup is empty so I put trash in it. Thane appears and sits in front. Then he slides back and down a conveyer belt. He looks vaguely amused. Then it stops. I raise my hand to indicate he’s okay.

November 23 dream:  Melissa and I learning how to put a project together. She has put together something very fancy, maybe before class started?

November 22, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Picked up new shoes on Ocean Avenue. Rick Thomas (from The Prosperos) called when I was putting them on in the store. Walked to Starbucks Portola. Lots of rude kids from SOTA (School of the Arts). Walk home via Mt.D. Then #43 home.

November 22 dream:  Billye T. twirling with short young boys on their haunches. Me looking for restroom in room full of friendly Nordic young men.

November 22 dream:  Open drawer in kitchen. Full of big bubbly 2” high cockroaches. I scream (in a whisper) to “Get out!” Tell John F. after. He says, “Yeah, they can be awful.”

November 22, 2019:  Cute guy joins us in line. We are introduced all around. He notices chain around my neck that says “Love.” He says, “What about love?” I say, “It stinks.”

November 21, 2019:  Apply online for low-income apt. on Market. The minimum monthly income requirement was $2,586. My monthly income is $2,587. I thought that was interesting. In ’til 2:30ish. Shoe repair guy on Ocean closed. Walk from Ingleside to Inner Sunset. Get bread at Arizmendi. Take N to Cole Street. Guy on N who I thought was attractive ’til I got a closer look. Peet’s Cole Valley. #43 home. Three guys on #43. One guy at W.F.

November 21 dream:  Running out of boxes full of different ideas to help one gain insight spiritually.

November 21 dream:  Why do I always feel like I should be the leader?

November 20, 2019:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Two hours at Rincon. F home to online pain class from 5-7 p.m. Very moving sharing from woman in L.A. at last half hour. I felt like defending her whereas I didn’t find it necessary to defend myself in a similar situation.

November 20 dream:  My roommates are mad at me. I try to start over. Light overhead is not working. Then ____ several students have arrived. We did not pick up the tapes from the center.

November 20 dream:  “You don’t have to get high” song in musical dream. English fight scene. Kind of funny. People squirting water at each other. Program starts with Mensa-type group with picture of woman I know on the cover. I say: “Oh, smart people.” And I feel really dumb (but likable).

November 20 dream:  Acting in a movie with mostly Asian characters. During the breaks I would figure out interest rates.

November 19, 2019:  Worked on Chapter 6 of MSM. Got it all done. Then lost it. Then found it again. In ’til 3ish. Cold and windy. Decide I just don’t want to hike to G.P. today or even Mt.D. Go to W.F. then to Fog Lifter. Then to Mc.D’s (remodeled but still just as bad). The home. Get all from “Private Number.”

November 19 dream:  I’m supposed to make room in my closet. Little boy makes me coffee. I spill some of it. It’s good though. (h.o.)

November 19 dream:  Handsome painter says his doctors thinks his painting means he wants to commit suicide. His mother is concerned. I am concerned. He says to his nurse: “Please don’t let me commit suicide.” Earlier I said: “I hate it when I find a park in S.F. that I didn’t know about.” I think: Why wasn’t I informed? (*I think painter is John H. and in order to connect with me, he will have to commit suicide to his former self. Though it may relate to me. See diary of November 23.)

November 18, 2019:  Head downtown to car rental place so I can drive to Sonoma for apt. interview. Muni breaks down. There is a power outage at Forest Hill so the subway is closed to all traffic. Shuttle buses are brought in. People crowd into the buses. I decide I don’t want to have to fight this much for a place I’m not sure I want. So to Peet’s W.P. and I cancel car rental and cancel application with apt. in Sonoma. I go to P.O. and get my money order refunded. See Tom Blair after. Then to Ballast Cafe. Cute baristo there. Then walk to Portola Starbucks. Walk to Mt.D. See dead rat. Then Fire Dept. runners. Then see  “WONDER”. Then woodpecker knocking on tree on Mt.D. Then to #43 at Ridgewood and Monterey. Hawk circles just before #43 arrives. Nap in p.m.

November 18 dream:  Flying around friends who are on the ground playing with toy soldiers(?) (h.o.)

November 18 dream:  Some woman spirit drags my item half-way out the window. I pull it back.

November 18 dream:  Go to Oscar Wilde cafe. See Hanz in line. He’s glad to see me but his lunch date is Nicola, who arrives late. They sit down at small table with no room for me or anyone else.

November 18 dream:  Flying to Hawaii. Then wake up in new apt. in S.F. Two women friends are there with me.

November 17, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See Jesse on skateboard at Monterey & Gennessee. Zeph at C.B. It’s hot so I take off my sweater. Two women smile at me. That discombobulates me. Then I’m mad. Then I’m okay. Walk thru G.C.P. Three coyotes plus Janet (the “Coyote Lady”). (*I think the coyotes relate to four of us going over the heads of the Executive Council later that night, requesting people to let the E.C. know if they are interested in taking Thane’s Comprehensive Workshop class which the E.C. has disallowed to date.) Then Mt.D. Then #43 home. Bus driver turns around to say good-bye to me. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Misappropriation of resources and misuse of power causes damage to all involved. My conclusion:  Truth is the only position of authority in which there is no misappropriation, total security, limitless resource, being undamaged and undamageable, the cause and effect of all happening/happiness, in which everything is entangled.

November 17 dream:  Talking with Connie C. about attempting to have sex with her the other night.

November 16, 2019:  OccupySF website down all morning and afternoon. In ’til 4ish. Go to shoe repair on Ocean. Then up to Mt.D. See Taylor (the “Otter Woman”) on Chaves Street. Hadn’t seen him in quite a while. Forgot his name so couldn’t call out to him. He kind of smiled. Then Starbucks Portola. Then down Teresita. Guy moving into John Pinkerton’s place? Myka at Safeway. Also other cute guy who twice got in my way. OSF website finally back up at 9:30 p.m.

November 16 dream:  Guy having trouble following his woman supervisor.

November 16 dream:  Take tram up to beautiful parts of S.F. I may have been to before. Some beautiful, tall, naked men walking around. I am very tired. Try to take photos but the tram is too fast. When we get to the top, I wonder if I can take the same tram back down.

November 15, 2019:  Bernie tabling with Patrick from 10 am. to noon at CCSF. Home ’til 4ish. Walk to Walgreen’s on Ocean Avenue. Sweet clerk there. Walk to Mt.D. Then to Starbucks Portola. Nice barista there. Walk home to Mt.D. Get call from “Private Number.” Then skunk on Coventry Alley. Then home in the cold and dark. Weird smell on the way home. It was the skunk, I later figured out. I think it got me.

November 15 dream:  Put cake in center of something so we could tell where the center was.

November 15 dream:  My work friend wants to know why he can’t play the stock market like everybody else. I say it’s because you’ve opted out like I did.

November 15 dream:  Trying to get loafer (shoe) out of box in closet and finally succeeding and planning on smuggling it out under a towel.

November 14, 2019:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” John’s an hour late. Good day though. Then two hours at Rincon. Then went to Muddy Waters to wait for Bernie HQ Grand Opening at 5:30 p.m. in the Mission. Cute baristo there. Run into Dakota in line for Bernie HQ Grand Opening. Tom Ammiano there. Jane Kim there. People that I know, other than Dakota, were acting really standoffish, so I left after about a half hour. #49 home. (*Relates to 1st dream of November 13?)

November 14 dream:  Kids sleeping over. I say: “No more than two to an area. If you make a lot of noise, I’ll kick you out.” Then the whole house begins moving, like down the road.

November 14 dream:  Friend of Norma Keller, staying at Thane’s suite (the rectory) gets healed of something. (h.o.)

November 14 dream:  Some guy and I working on an assignment together.

November 13, 2019:  Sonoma apartment calls in a.m. Appointment on Monday. Take nap from 1-2 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Have to stop in path ’cause of unleashed, angry dog. Its owner has to hold it back. Go to Starbucks Portola. Cute baristo. #36 and #43 home. Shift Lesson #2 online from 5 to 7 p.m. Pretty good.

November 13 nap dream:  Arm wrestling with a cat with claws.

November 13 dream:  Living with sisters Nancy and Laurie. I can never live up to their expectations. Or they make fun of me. Get letter. Makes me excited. (*Relates to Grand Opening of Bernie HQ on November 14?)

November 13 dream:  Cenk took the audience out of SNL. And me and Romney and other famous and not so famous guys, actors and comedians were singing one of the Muppet songs – the intro to their adult show.

November 12, 2019:  Go to VA appointment at 1 p.m. 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 guys on #29 and #38 on the way there and at least one guy at VA. After, see “HUGE” on walk from VA to the Haight. Meet Colin at Haight. He is beautiful (inside and out) guitar player from Canada. We talk quite a while. At the end he offers to exchange info which we do. Translation group in p.m. We decide to continue our discussion and get back to each other with our 5th steps on Tuesday night. Sense testimony: People take control of property that they do not own and do not have title to (not entitled to have), which causes abuse to others. My conclusion: Truth is entitled to use Itself properly and lovingly. OR: Truth is the President.

November 12 dream:  Big hard-on dream about something.

November 12 dream:  Dream I have another sore spot. This time on my leg.

November 11, 2019:  Facebook not working. Then Facebook not working well. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Also Brandon. Walk thru G.C.P. Feeling happy. Two coyotes and Janet (the “Coyote Lady”) there. On to Mt.D. Talk with man building a hut on his side property. He said it had a pyramid roof. I asked him if he had metaphysical intentions. He said: “No, just storage. I’ve got a lot of junk.” I said: “Well, you could get rid of some of your junk.”

November 11 dream:  First day in prison. Trying to learn my way around.

November 10, 2019:  Trustee’s meeting at 9 a.m. William Fennie was trying to be nice to me. (*See 2nd dream of November 9.) Nap after. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Shits at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Then to Mt.D. View of fog rolling in over the city took my breath away. Then home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People take control of property that they do not own and do not have title to (not entitled to have), which causes abuse to others. My conclusion: Truth is entitled to use Itself properly and lovingly. Group decides to send an email to student body requesting them to email the Executive Council if they are interested in taking Comprehensive Workshop, which the E.C. has refused to allow. (*See Thane dream of November 7?)

November 10 dream:  Trying to use white-out to correct the first sentence in a letter on some outside company’s letterhead. Also stirring my coffee which turned out to belong to nice young black female secretary.

November 9, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. She tells me about her art show in Berkeley on November 23. I tell her: “I’ll be there.” Walk to G.C.P. Two hawks being chased by two crows. On to Mt.D. Skunk on Coventry Alley. Myka at Safeway. He told me he asked Barbara Boxer to participate in political parade when he was in the 8th grade. She refused. Insight: Maybe my pain, my punishment, is not to appease my father, but to appease myself, my  idea of who I should be.

November 9 dream:  Repaint floor of my room. Can’t figure out how to get it started. Ask woman in white frilly dress up to her neck. She says she doesn’t know either. Parakeet flies onto my left ear. I walk into clear pool. (h.o.)

November 9 dream:  Guy tries to kiss up to me after he moves back into the apt. There are three of us now.  (*Relates to William Fennie at Trustee’s meeting on November 10?)

November 8, 2019:  Bernie tabling from 10 a.m. to noon at CCSF with Patrick. Patrick late. Beautiful man passes by me. I softly wolf whistle. Then decide to follow him into CCSF cafeteria and end up behind him in line. We exchange glances. After tabling, go to W.F. cafe. My Bernie friend Sarah there. Home ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Christina(?) is barista at C.B. Brandon there. I get to sit next to him. We talk briefly. Walk home thru G.C.P. Coyotes howling at sirens from Portola Street. Sounded like 12-20 of them. Stop by Mollie Stones. Cute, short Asian guy in line in front of me. On to Mt.D. Skunk at Coventry Alley.

November 8 dream:  Someone wanted to get together with someone else while he still had a good body.

November 8 dream:  Plugging something in. Lots of smoke. Wonder why my fire alarm doesn’t go off.

November 7, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to W.P. No line at P.O.! Buy 100 stamps for my annual trip. Also $45 money order for Sonoma apts. Then compliment Peet’s W.P on their remodel. Then walk to Starbucks Portola. On to Mt.D. Owl sitting in tree. Two women pointed out to me. #43 home right away. Bernie friend at W.F. cafe.

November 7 dream:  Talking about speech Thane gave the other night. Then I am picking up shorts(?) left by other student. I say: “I am all discombobulated.” Thane appears and touches me lightly. I sit in nice chair for his talk.

November 6, 2019:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Told John about my Sonoma opportunity. He said I’d need to figure out how to commute from Sonoma to SF. Finished up 101 shift with crazy person with megaphone. Two hours at Rincon. M to Castro #35 to G.P. Run into ABB guy (“anybody but Bernie”). BART to Balboa Park. Walk home. Shift “back pain” class at 5 p.m. Really love Dr. Schubiner. On line with 168 others from around the world. Had realization that just like my father gas-lighted me as a child, the brain is gas-lighting my body about back and side pain. At end we broke up into small groups. Our group was three until “shaman” joined us at the end. She was “crazy person” just like at 101 earlier today. Opted out of Berniecrats meeting in p.m.

November 6 dream:  Take a month vacation away from work at TYT. Ana K. talks about me, saying: “The good thing about him is that even though he says he won’t buy the T-shirt, then he will.” I think of going on vacation again.

November 6 dream:  Girl from Denmark. Older guy from Sweden. Both trying to put Swedish eggs (much smaller than American) in container.

November 6 dream:  Richard Branam-type told me Sheila Tutt worked at resto where you couldn’t have any money to get in. And the line was long. Turned out to be the resto next door. Leigh B. was there, too. Also Joyce something. Got reacquainted with Sheila. She said I looked older (when really she looked older).

November 5, 2019:  In ’til 2:30ish. #43 to camera store on Chestnut. Cute worker smiles at me and vice versa. Guy at library comes on to me. Wlak to Castro. See and talk briefly with Mark Leno at Market & Castro. Smile at cute young guy hanging out at 18th & Castro, and vice versa. #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.G. Also Paul(?) from SF Berniecrats. Also Brandon. I say to him: “You’re wearing a different shirt today.” He says: “Well, it’s Tuesday.” Talk with cute young Asian Chesa support at G.P. BART station. He asks me if I’ve voted yet. I say, “Yes.” Then add: “You’ve only got an hour or so left.” He says: “Thanks for taking the time to talk with us.” I think: “Of course I’m going to talk with you. You’re gorgeous.” I later realized he wanted me to come on to him. (*Relates to slip and fall on Mt.D. on November 3, I think.)

November 5 dream:  Bill Fortis is a dentist and went to school to become a dentist.

November 5 dream:  Comparing SF to NY, come in to work to help my friend. I said I’d help him as long as he needed it.

November 4, 2019:  Get call from Sonoma senior, low-income housing place to pursue my application. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. It’s cold. Hawk at CCSF. Have to sit next to nasty black lady for 2nd day in a row at C.B. I fear she’s going to hit me ’cause she’s a thug like my Dad. Later I realized that’s why I keep running into her. Walked thru G.C.P. Janet “Coyote Lady” there. Then 1 or 2 coyotes in the bush (coyotes for 3rd day in a row).Then go to Mollie Stones and when I look in the restroom mirror, I see my Dad. Scary! Meet Ryan at M.S. On to Mt.D. #43 home.

November 4 dream:  Recall that baby was born thru surrogate, not from the mother. And that it was red.

November 4 dream:  Cute little dog head-butts me. Turns into cat. Later I break three glass bowls in line to get something to eat. Cut in front of Madame Morel. Severed hand on the floor.

November 4 dream:  Fess Parker as Davy Crockett.

November 3, 2019:  Got up up at 8:45 to attend M.A. meeting. Then realized it was 7:45 so I went back to bed. Worked on Chapter 5 of MSM. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Later his parents and brother came in. Walked thru G.C.P. See Janet (the “Coyote Lady”) and a coyote for 2nd day in a row. One coyote close to the path and another behind a bush. Janet says to me: “He’s nervous about you, so keep walking.” I said: “I’m nervous about him, too.” Walk to Mt.D. It gets dark. I figure out how to turn on my cellphone flashlight. As soon as I do, I slip and fall. Later hear, then see skunk on path to Coventry Lane. I tell him: “OK, OK. Just get out of here!” Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Dissolution of current structure may be needed before new resolutions can emerge. My conclusion: The structure of Truth is indestructible and apparent, being infinitely old yet timelessly new, the immediate and indicative resolution of Self emerging.

November 3 dream:  Working at the post office with two very nice ladies. I think it’s my first day.

November 2, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Run into Carl Compton at Unity Plaza. We talk and walk down Ocean Avenue. Then I continue to G.P. Angelique at CB. Also cute Asian guy with ponytail (*See diary of October 27.) His butt crack was hanging out. When I left, Angelique was hitting on young man and vice versa. Walk thru G.C.P. Coyote bravely walking around field just below path. Myka at Safeway. #43 home. Think I may attend M.A. meeting tomorrow. Got excited about the idea of doing a PowerPoint Translation and RHS class.

November 2 dream:  AOC ad and cute naked guy who I was mad at. For being too cute?

November 2 dream:  Office wedding in S.E. Asia. Go into high water. Then toilet after toilet. Finally I said, “That’s enough.”

November 2 dream:  Go to touchy-feely camp. View two videos. Father of woman who runs the place also there.

November 1, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Take #49 to Bernie HQ. Rowdy students on bus. One beautiful guy sitting in the back. Plus 1 or 2 others. Leave new “Bernie” for Winnie. Talk with Holly. Immediately after, feel “jumpy happy.” Then see guy at 18th and Mission. Follow him up to 18th and Valencia where he gets in his car and drives off. Later mutual cruise with guy on 18th Street near Women’s Building. Then two older guys smile at me from Harvey’s Resto. Walk to G.P. Sit next to Oxford friend. His name is Brandon. #36 and #43 home.

November 1 dream:  Sitting at L-shaped table with hardly every other seat taken. Lots of different types of ice cream were being served. We were celebrating something.

November 1 dream:  Woman loans me two books about things two thousand years ago. I think I already have too much to reach. I forget them. Go back. Someone has them. She saves me from having to go thru guy spraying water at people. She says: “I’m going to do for you what you did for your sister and let you thru.”

October 31, 2019:  Bernie tabling with Patrick at CCSF from 10 a.m. to noon. See Ryan Lam there. Find out hie’s only 18 (and running for city supervisor). After, go to W.F. cafe. Meet Mickey, beautiful Italian jiu-jitsu student and friend of Cody, who used to work at W.F. I go home and then return to give him a Bernie brochure. Work on BB. Then to Arizmendi. After, skip N to follow beautiful shirtless guy at 9th & Irving. He made me hard. Then cute baristo on 9th Avenue smiles at me as I pass his cafe. Then attractive Asian man gives me the eye and vice versa. Then cute Asian guy in hoodie on N who offered me a seat. Older guy next to him smiled at me. I thought they were together, but they weren’t. Then Peet’s Cole Valley. Brief appearance by kitchen staff guy. Then home on #43.

October 31 dream:  Four “required” events on the same day, Sunday.

October 31 dream:  Was all packed and ready to go. Took final pee. Little kid was jumping up and down to go next.

October 31 dream:  Big hole in the ground for new arena in S.F. See Mickey Bonasera there with another Mickey I knew from high school.

October 30, 2019:  101 with John F and “Bernie.” Shahid Buttar showed up. Passed out a lot of “Pissed Off Voter” guides. Two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. Wait at 19th & Castro for #35. Then my Oxford friend at C.B. #36 and #43 home. Then Avalon halloween party. Then W.F. Met Jesse again at W.F. cafe (*See diary of October 24).

October 30 dream:  Political race. (h.o.)

October 30 dream:  Decide to drive back from Corvallis. The car is snowed in. I put key in door.

October 30 dream:  See “Men’s Club.”

October 29, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See Ross on Lippard Street. I don’t hang around after he casually mentioned “me and my wife.” Zeph at C.B. After, I talk to his would-be standup comedian friend. Oxford friend there, too. Walk thru G.C.P. See coyote very briefly. (*Coyotes from hier relate to discovering Elliott Zaff’s book on Fennie’s website,  http://www.theprosperos.com.) Go to Mt.D. Talk to dog Kyle and her guardian. #43 home.

October 29 dream:  Going to be a big parade. None of the big instruments from upstairs though.

October 29 dream:  Somebody was trying to teach me how to hit somebody.

October 28, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Hot guy at Lee and Ocean. I cruise him. Then somebody else joins him. When I look again hot guy glares at me. I back off. Now I’m off balance. Get to C.B. and sit next to two dominating women. I was still off-balance, so I was looser and played with it. Finally I headed to the bathroom. When I exited the bathroom, one of the women demanded the key from me. I pretended not to notice her, which was some sort of comment on her/their behavior, I think. Walk thru G.C.P. Two coyotes. Then talked to woman who called coyotes bullies. She said often a female would sit alone in a field to attract dogs and then the males would attack the dog. At the same time, one of the coyotes sat in the middle of the field. Walk to Jun’s barbershop. He derides me for coming late. I feel horrible about it. Later I realize he was gas-lighting me. Pretending that I did something outrageous, when actually I went out of my way to make sure I made it in time. RHSed him (and my father) later.

October 28 dream:  Hanging out with Kathy Warfield and Patrick H. Want to marry Kathy but I knew that I was gay.

October 28 dream:  At Castro Street fair I’m out on Market Street looking for John H.

October 28 dream:  Trying to cross Polk Street to the federal building in San Francisco. It’s raining so hard I can’t. My throat is so tight I can’t breath. Then it let’s up and I cross.

October 28 dream:  Tom O. visiting me in my apartment unexpectedly.

October 27, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Mae there in sundress exposing her arms which had lots of scars on them. From cutting herself? Hot Asian guy with pony tail as well. Walk thru G.C.P. then Mollie Stones. Quick glance from vegetable worker there. Then Mt.D. Shahid Buttar calls me on my cell as I’m walking home. (See? I am important!) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Without a unifying purpose, individuals and groups can pull apart. My conclusion: The intention of Truth is oneness and the effect of Truth is infinitely inclusive individuals and infinitely inclusive groups, all pulling together.

October 27 dream:  Put in four hours volunteering for Bernie.

October 27 dream:  Spend last day with woman who was supposed to be my girlfriend.

October 26, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Finishing up Chapter 4 of MSM. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Read more from She. It’s great. It makes me happy. Walk thru G.C.P. 6 or 7 crows playing in the sky. Walk to Mt.D. Coven of “witches” on top in front of cross. Shop at Safeway. No Myka. No Steven. #43 home.

October 26 dream:  Go to art gallery/garage in Mendocino.

October 26 dream:  Hang around to listen to English people in line talking with their English accents.

October 25, 2019:  Hard nite last nite. In ’til 3ish. Take K to Civic Center to vote. Walk back. Run into Andy Gillis at Green Arcade bookstore. I don’t even like him that much but I felt thrilled like a school girl that he was being nice to me. Then stop by Bernie HQ in the Mission. See Mary/Winnie there. Then walk with Mary to Chesa Boudin HQ on 15th Street. Walk to Castro. Stop at Spikes. Take K home. Cute Sacred Heart football player on K. Then W.F. Then home.

October 25 dream:  Guests trying to decide what to have to eat. Carol Burnett there. Also Paul Kavanaugh.

October 25 dream:  In Paris, go out for fancy meal. Al H. there.

October 24, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Worked on Chap. 4 of MSM. Walk towards Tenderloin to see the movie 5 Blocks about mid-Market Street. Run into Ross on Lippard Street at G.P. (*Relates to 2nd dream of last nite, having a new job and not knowing exactly what to do.) He was preparing a mural at Glen Park School. Cute, hot guy. Could have been gay. Could have been straight. Was definitely open. Walk to Tenderloin. Find Tenderloin Museum. Look in vain for café. Pass J’s place. Finally end up on Market. Nice activity on one block of Market near 6th Street. Cute Asian guy waiting in line for art show. Take M to Castro. Used-to-be cute guy smiles lasciviously at me on Castro. I go to ice cream store. And back. K to W.P. Two cute baristos at Peet’s W.P. One sweeping the floor smiled at me. I joked: “Just don’t sweep me up with the trash.” K home. Cute baristo at W.F. said they close at 7 p.m. I said: “How about tomorrow?” He said: “Definitely.”

October 24 dream:  Different types of docs I was supposed to know, but didn’t.

October 24 dream:  Some musical performance practice. Thought I saw Meryl Streep but it was someone else whom I admired.

October 23, 2019:  Feeling lots of lust for guy on K inbound. Lust is amazing. I was willing to do anything, forget anything, just to touch this guy, caress this guy, embrace this guy, fuck this guy. If only I could harness lust. 101 with John F. We did a deep cleaning of the planter where we put our literature. Two hours at Rincon. Cute Asian guy at Rincon. F to Castro. #35 to G.P. Oxford friend at C.B. He’ll be here ’til March. #36 to Foerster. See Jun. Told him I’d stop by on October 28 for haircut, his last day ’til he travels to China. Jesse at Railway Expresso. Bus driver on #43 kind to me and “Bernie.”

October 23 dream:  Hard-on dream about something.

October 23 dream:  Begin new job as office assistant. Not sure I’m trusted or what or how to do stuff.

October 23 dream:  Visit old neighborhood in Saratoga. Big pile of dirt on street. Kids sliding down it. Then to port of S.F. Big waves shaking the buildings.

October 22, 2019:  In ’til 2ish. #43 to camera store on Chestnut. Walk home via Polk, Franklin, Market and Castro. Cute self-aware guy on Franklin. I turn around to look at him as he pauses before entering store. Guy with Prop. D sign on Market says to me: “Have fun!” #35 to G.P. Zeph and Oxford friend at C.B. No tables so I go to Cuppa. Hot baristo there. #23 home. I sit next to guy who enjoyed being checked out by me. #43 home. Finally figured out how to transfer pictures from my camera directly to my laptop. I’m not stupid! It just takes me a while.

October 22 dream:  Several guys (not me) helping move all of Calvin’s book into his place. Liz A. walks thru. I visibly brighten up. People comment on it.

October 21, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Also Oxford friend with his girlfriend. Also Mae. Cute guy on way to G.C.P. Heavy eye contact. Rose petals on the ground on the way out. Cute Mollie Stones delivery guy on Chaves. Guy sitting on a lawn chair on top of Mt.D. He said to me: “It’s a long way down.”

October 21 dream:  Eating deep fat fried food at a resto with others.

October 21 dream:  Go to Prosperos center at Nannie’s old place at Mission and Cortland. Al H. there walking out with beautiful but scarred girl. Rick Thomas there. I go upstairs and take a nap.

October 21 dream:  Tom O. and I sleeping over. I throw up a bit. Then drive out of the city. Talk to my father on the phone. I say: “You can really tell when you drive out of the city.” We were in Texas somewhere.

October 20, 2019:  9 a.m. High Watch meeting. I was the observer. 11 a.m. Sunday Meeting with Rick Thomas, H.W., M. After his talk, during the comment period, I said to Rick, “I love you.” It was emotional, honest, unintended and powerful and I think it was meant not only for Rick but for John H. (*Relates to the 2nd dream of October 15, the one where I lose control. Also, speaking of losing control, to shits from hier.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Then home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Fear of the unknown quashes excitement and prevents progress. My conclusion: Truth is harmless nature, the untamable wild, irrevocable, unannulable, endless excitement, always coming forward, always progressing. OR: Truth is at home with the wild. OR: We do not tame Truth. Truth tames us. During discussion afterwards, I accidentally called Richard Branam Truth.

October 20 dream:  Was at party. Drank too much. I wasn’t drinking alcohol, but I was still drunk. Then sobered up immediately. And left. (h.o.)

October 20 dream:  Go to retreat for compulsives. One guy likes to take his pants down. Others are over-eaters. I feel like a fraud, that I didn’t really belong there.

October 19, 2019:  Watched Bernie rally in Queens on YouTube at 10 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Walk thru wedding reception set-up at Sunnyside Conservatory. Angelique at C.B. Oxford friend enters as I’m leaving. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to Mt.D. See “Cleared for Take-Off” at a neighborhood book stand. Shits as I get to Safeway. Myka as I check out.

October 19 dream:  Thane: “What is the building you’re in?” Me: “Spearling.” Thane: “Whenever I think of that building, I think of my Aunt saying she was anything but spearling.” Extract white object from my hand.

October 18, 2019:  Table with Patrick and “Bernie” at CCSF. Dakota stops by. Meet Victor and his friend as we leave. They are campaigning for Prop. D. His friend said he saw me and “Bernie” at the Castro Street Fair. At W.F. barista gave me a free latte when she saw “Bernie.” Then cute Japanese guy in line with two raw strip steaks. He asked me if I was a vegan.  I said, “Mostly.”  Work at home. Take nap. Then Fog Lifter. Trio of male bullies standing in doorway made me angry.

October 18 dream:  Get treatment to make my teeth whiter. I would have to go back a couple of more times.

October 18 dream:  My first day in prison. Will have to find job there. Family take delight in telling me what I’ll have to do.

October 18 dream:  Tom O. and me in helicopter. He’s trying to park it on street. I say: “Can you just drop the damn thing?”

October 17, 2019:  Go to 101 with John F and “Bernie” from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. Before John arrives, bike messenger asks me: “What has Bernie accomplished?” When I pause to think, he yells triumphantly, “Aha!” and rides away. And end of shift, libertarian named Kevin (or Kyle) tries to convince me that appointing Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court was a good thing. Two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. #35 right away to G.P. Oxford friend at C.B. with his girlfriend. Take BART to Balboa Park. Meet Jeff May from DSA who took a selfie with “Bernie.” Insight: My trouble with people taking pictures of me: My Dad hasn’t given me permission. Insight: Maybe if I wrote “Swan Lake” my Dad would love me.

October 17 dream:  Trying to fix something. (h.o.)

October 17 dream:  I’m returning my $16. Then woman gives me flowers at bottom of empty ewer to get better.

October 16, 2019:  False fire alarm at 9:45ish. Water turned off without warning at noonish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. My Oxford friend at C.B. Two hawks circling over G.C.P. Meet Kyle, the dog, on Mt.D. RHS my dad. Realize I didn’t care if he fondled me or whatever. It made me feel special. So if there was a problem, it was his. Maybe that’s why it only happened once that I can recall. Maybe he was looking for somebody to have power over, rather than somebody who enjoyed his caresses. And maybe my scary dream of last night was a good thing. Being out of control sometimes is.

October 16 dream:  Barbara Hill tried to grab newspaper out of my hand by pressing on my neck. I pushed her down and away.

October 16 dream:  I/we was supposed to type a transcript but I could never find out what I was supposed to type. There were no words, except Japanese and Chinese characters. Finally we decided to put on a ruse of Candide.

October 15, 2019:  J. calls about 12:30 p.m. or so? Sign up for Dr. Schubiner pain video at $297 for 7 online sessions. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Too full to find a seat. Go to Cuppa. Cute, sweet bodybuilder baristo. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Telman at Mollie Stones. Very sweet, handsome guy I’d never seen before. Mt.D. RHS my father. TV news in p.m.: There was a 4.5 earthquake two days before the Loma Prieta earthquake on October 17, 1989.

October 15 dream:  Vote on whether climate will allow floating boats?

October 15 dream:  Meet Mary Tyler Moore who had hairy legs. I tell her I was going to go to one of her plays, but didn’t. She says I should do something. I move into place where I’m paying $700 per month. A woman is driving me too fast. I try to reach gas pedal to slow down. There is a plywood wall in front of me so I can’t see where we’re going. I Translate: “Truth is that which is so. That which is not Truth is not so. Therefore Truth is all that is.” Then I wake up.

October 14, 2019:  Go to Aunt Joanne’s at 11 a.m.  (Cute Asian guy with ear stud on Lee as I head to Muni stop.) Sister Nancy, cousins Leigh and Jeff there also. Stay ’til 3ish. Walk to Starbucks Portola. Go to W.P. hardware store to see Alan. Meet other cute Asian guy with ear stud there. Then to Mt.D. Then home. Run into W.F. friend from June 17. (*Relates to shits from hier around the same time?) 4.5 earthquake at 10:33 p.m.

October 14 dream:  Transposing something written into final form (h.o.)

October 14 dream:  Take private bus (after being approved) thru S.F. to deserted center I never knew was there. Try to find it on map. Hope it’s close to place I wanted to get to. School is empty when I arrive.

October 14 dream:  Walk thru gym. Pass resto. Give message that we are going to have a meeting at 10 a.m. on Saturday about an upcoming class. Cute Asian waiter smiles at me. Say to those at table: “The Mentor’s handbook says we should always have a sidekick.”

October 13, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. from Ocean Ave. Go to Starbucks Portola. Shits there. And home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People revolt against outside authority figures in lieu of honoring the universal principle within. My conclusion: Truth is peopled with noteworthy authority figures, all of whom are in sync, honoring the universal principle within. Nervous about visiting Aunt Joanne tomorrow.

October 12, 2019:  Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Angelique returned my library book. Yay! Beautiful Asian guy at his laptop with headphones. I said: “Writing the great American novel?” No response. Later I cross over the empty chair across from him. He smiles but doesn’t look up. (*Relates to cute but dirty homeless guy hier at G.C.P.?) Three crows playing at G.C.P. Calvin, the pug, on Chaves. Hot guy on cliff on Mt.D. Steven at Safeway. “Private number” calls at 6:15 p.m. (*Relates to shits from hier about the same time, I think.) Nancy O. calls in p.m. See “Prepare to be blown away.”

October 12 dream:  I sing theme from “Peter and the Wolf.” Woman says: “Clearly, that’s a line green Jesus…”

October 12 dream:  Take bus to colorful Mexican street in S.F. I’d never been to before.

October 11, 2019:  Worked on Chapter 3 of MSM. It kind of depressed me. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. New barista at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Pass dirty, smelly but young, cute and friendly homeless guy. Mt.D. Shits when I get home. CSU on YouTube.

October 11 dream:  Finish resto job at 12:30 a.m.

October 11 dream:  Some guys I didn’t really like or trust pouring a line of gas on the floor and lighting it. I left even though there was a cute guy I was interested in and a cute girl who was interested in me. Walk thru store. Water 6 feet deep or so. I walk to higher ground. Woman smiles at me. Knock chair out of place.

October 10, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. On the way out, I listen to Bernie ad and weep because he’s so much better a person than I’ll ever be. Walk to Golden Gate Heights Park. See Malcolm Cecil in W.P. Then on to Arizmendi. Then Peet’s Cole Valley. #37 to Castro, #33 to Mission. Stop by Bernie HQ at 2235 Mission. See Ryan from Chesa Boudin campaign at 22nd Street. I get off bus to talk to him. He campaigned shirtless at the Castro Street Fair, so I mentioned that to him. He said: “Different crowd.” #49 home. Angelique emails me that she found the book She.

October 10 dream:  Calvin sticking his naked butt out at me as I passed by.

October 10 dream:  Tom O. and I playing a game and losing to another couple. After, he gives me a box of gifs and a $110 bill. I said: “I didn’t know they came in that denomination.”

October 9, 2019:  Meet Alan at Ocean/Lee Muni stop. I had “Bernie” with me. We talk there and on K train ’til he got off at W.P. (*Relates to hawks from G.C.P. and from Amber Way on October 7, I think.) He works at W.P. Hardware. He’s a student at CCSF. Studies engineering and works 40 hours a week. He took a photo of me in mid-conversation. Then met Elaine on K. 101 from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. Two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. #35 to G.P. right away. Economics student at C.B. (*See diary of September 30.) He’s a Master’s student at Oxford. Guy behind 1100 Ocean Avenue on way home. Feeling depressed about Bernie’s heart attack.

October 9 dream:  Climbing into factory to get something. As I leave, couple there applauds. Then I go back in and am given my grades (which are good) and a big packet of papers. (semi h.o.)

October 9 dream:  Going to work at resto where I get ¼ of all the money taken in from salads sold. Resto on the coast. I drop plate but don’t break it.

October 8, 2019:  Finally get email from Angelique about the library book She I lent her. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph there. Hawk at G.C.P. Mt.D. Envelope with “Fantastic News” on way down. See Dakota get on #43 as I get off.

October 8 dream:  Woman at work says Trump visited her after he became president. (h.o.)

October 8 dream:  Cleaning up the basement where events are held. I say: “I don’t come down here that often.”

October 7, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. Shits at G.C.P. Later two hawks. Then another two hawks. Shirtless guy sitting on log with headphones. Then three nearby hawks on Amber Way. Mt.D. Then hawk over CCSF. Wave of self-criticism, self-doubt after I check my mail instead of getting on elevator being held by another resident. (*Relates to 3.8 earthquake of October 5?) Wave as strong as wave of feeling hated from September 30.

October 7 dream:  Read my screed which still needs a little work. Get in big family fight. I say something mean to Laurie. Everyone gets down on me. Later it’s just me and my father fighting. Then he takes me out to pizza. The pizza guy says my dad is a little drunk. He (my father) spills pizza cheese on my shirt. I am quite svelte.

October 7 dream:  John H. with his hot new shirtless friend. I give him (John) the finger. My funny friend walks into resto. Guy there orders two lemon pies. I think I should have ordered that. Have to catch #53 bus to get to work at 10 a.m.

October 6, 2019:  Campaigning for Bernie and with “Bernie” at the Castro Street Fair from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m with Jason and Brandon. (*Relates to first dream of October 4?) Many, many happy people taking photos with “Bernie.” Guy on the way on Muni remembered my name from our Bernie tabling at CCSF. Took nap after. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Persistent contentious dysfunction leads to withdrawal anger depression. My conclusion: Only Truth can be expressed. Truth is consistent integrity, functioning harmoniously, fully integrated, always drawing towards Itself. Insight: I should be doing more. That’s why I have pain. I’m punishing myself.

October 6 dream:  Betty Cuff comes to Prosperos assembly for her talk. She’s all dressed up. I say: “I remember that dress.” She says: “Do we know anything about Mom?” I say: “You mean my Mom?”

October 6 dream:  Moved back into 835 Turk Street. “Men’s Group” was meeting. It had lots of women. I spoke briefly. Also raucous comedy group in the cafeteria. There were two other empty rooms which I looked at. Their occupants would arrive tomorrow. One had a pink room. Both seemed nicer than mine. No cockroaches yet, but I’m sure they were there.

October 6 dream:  Say good-bye to Richard(?) in the form of his mother. He told me he had had two children. One of them died in the crib. Just couldn’t make it. A passing stranger said, “Good luck on your trip back to Los Angeles.” I knew he meant California, and didn’t distinguish L.A. from California.

October 5, 2019:  3.8 earthquake at 8:41 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. His girlfriend had just broken up with him so he was pretty down. Cute Asian guy and I connect on my way out. Get “Perfect” later on walk to G.C.P. Run into Janet, the Coyote Lady, but no coyotes. Walk to Mt.D. Crazy, cute guy on top. Then Myka (and Noel) at Safeway. Myka says it’s store policy that he cant’ talk politics.

October 5 dream:  Al H. tells me his parents were both Prosperos. They were broken up but at a party they got together and produced him. I said: “You really are a Prospero. You have it in your dna.”

October 4, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Working on Chapter 2 of MSM. Walk to G.P. Guy calls me “Grandpa.” Jordan at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mollie Stones. Then Mt.D. and home. Feel really bad about my side pain. Also about my MSM video.

October 4 dream:  Took off work early on Friday. They were getting rid of our word processing department. Bernie was driving us in big elongated VW bug out of the city. He parked at one point. I told him I had to leave (since I was going further away from where I lived). Then I offered to take over driving for him. Nina Turner there.

October 3, 2019:  In ’til 4ish. Walk to Peet’s Cole Valley via T.P. Hawk on T.P. Royale there. SF Berniecrats at 7 p.m. John F., Patrick, Brandon, Greg, Laksh, black friend there. #37, M and #29 home. Insight at at Peet’s: pain may relate to me punishing myself for getting by without working, for being privileged in any sense that I think I am privileged.

October 3 dream:  Carol Carter comes to Prosperos meeting ’cause I sent her a “caustic” email.

October 3 dream:  Had to restock a whole library of encyclopedias of different dates into empty, dusty library shelves.

October 2, 2019:  101 with John F. from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. See “Imperfect” truck. Two hours at Rincon. Walk thru Castro with “Bernie.” Then #35 to G.P. Owner there. #23 and #43 home. Bus driver on #43 likes either me or “Bernie.” Maybe both. “Expect the Unexpected” in p.m. Insight: My mother, through her death, exposed my egocentricity.

October 2 dream:  Harriet shoves my bedroom door open even though I had put a heavy box behind it. She showed me how to work new lock.

October 2 dream:  Left out last lines of Lord’s Prayer at Sunday Meeting, so I asked everyone to stay on and find it. Then I asked two to three (Hanz, etc.) to read the lines, but they all chickened out. I slapped their faces.

October 2 dream:  Woman teacher speaks of French women Resistance fighters. Me taking notes.

October 2 dream:  Van home. I stay on ’cause I want to be with everybody. A few new bare-chested, leather-vested boys join us.

October 2 dream:  Getting ready for class. Preparing ad copy with Jody Vanda. Will collate at Aunt Joanne’s.

October 1, 2019:  Bills and monthly BB in a.m. Walk to G.P. Hawk at CCSF on the way. New barista at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P See one coyote. Meet Janet, the Coyote Lady. We talk for about a half hour.

October 1 dream:  I am Feinstein’s tenant.

October 1 dream:  Going to big outdoor fair/expo with Marilyn Deurell(?)

September 30, 2019:  Yesterday, walking to G.P., I was overwhelmed by a feeling of being hated. Once I recognized it, I was able to dismiss it. Today, in ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. He texts Angelique to return my book to the library. As I leave I say to guy working on laptop next to me: “Is that math?” He says: “Economics.” I see a wadded up $10 bill on his table. I say: “Speaking of economics.” He smiles broadly and says: “Exactly.” Zeph jealous? Walk thru G.C.P. No coyotes, no hawks today. Continue on to Mt.D. Looking back at Mt.D. see hawk for 2nd day in a row. Riordan h.s. student on #43 home Also bus driver as I exit the bus. Work on Chap 2 of My Soul Mates in p.m.

September 30 dream:  Dream of “October 26.”

September 30 dream:  Dick Van Dyke thought Laura might be faking her illness.

September 29, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Angelique didn’t leave me the book I lent her like she said she would. Walk to G.C.P. Two hawks circling at entrance. Midway thru park passing guy tells me there are six coyotes down the hill. Then I see at least four of them. (*Does this relate to my “Fellow Traveler” post from September 28?) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Cadres working against each other can cause antagonism and impeachment. My conclusion: Truth is the unimpeachable, inexcusable protagonist, always at the center of everything, already a complete success with no additional effort required, one cadre working harmoniously everywhere. (*Thane showing up on my cell phone on September 27 relates to my “Fellow Traveler” post as well, I think.)

September 29 dream:  A friend/customer at a resto suggests I drink lager for my health.

September 28, 2019:  Email from Suzanne Deakins relates to “Count on the Unexpected” from hier? In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. I like the person I am when I’m around her: strong, handsome, protective, manly. I’m walking thru G.C.P. thinking this and cute, young guy smiles at me. Walk to Mt.D. “Winter Moving” van on way. Hawk as I look back. Steven and Myka at Safeway. Myka worried about what’s happening here. I say: “At the store?” He says: “No. Here in the country. The impeachment.”

September 28 dream:  In the military each of us must find the right size uniforms, etc. Then find a place to live. I was holding back.

September 28 dream:  Riding in detached car, hanging onto train thru middle of S.F. which I’d never seen before. Finally came to stop. No more tracks. No more train.

September 27, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Also guy reading Who Moved My Cheese? on the way out. Walk thru G.C.P. and onto Mt.D. and home. Still getting 503 error code on the Bathtub Bulletin. I think it’s my time.ly events calendar. Instead of saying, we want to now charge you for what we’re calling an upgraded software, they simply stop allowing the current software from working correctly, thereby forcing users to detect the problem and eventually simply buy their updated (but not really updated) version of the software which was formerly free. In other words, time.ly is gas-lighting me. See Thane photo on my cell phone. I didn’t put it there, but it was timely, so to speak. Fixing 503 error code made me feel optimistic I could solve my back/side pain problem as well. See “Count on the Unexpected” in p.m. (*Relates to posting “Fellow Travelers,” my critique of the trustees, on the BB. Heather is a proxy for Suzanne Deakins who was the only one who sent me an email in response.)

September 27 dream:  Magic show turns completely scary and real.

September 27 dream:  At work I volunteer to quit. My boss is upset that I am doing some research on L.A.’s approach to something. I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do. Just as we are beginning to have an honest conversation about this, he is interrupted. Then some guys tow some tilting boats in the adjacent harbor and they are being towed as well. The doorway to our floor is being blocked off and we are going to be assigned to work on the floor above, pasting labels on folders, etc. Heather is there.

September 26, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Cute young flirty guy in Cuppa at G.P. Two policemen standing behind him. Hot friendly Asian baristo. Very sweet. Very well-built. Crazy nice ass. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk and two crows. Then Mollie Stones. Get angry at poor service at deli. Cute, young friendly Asian guy with “H” on his shirt smiles at me as I reach top of Mt.D. Cute guy on #43 gets off at same stop as me. Also interested woman.

September 26 dream:  Big hard-on dream. They found Billye and someone else. Somebody else was still missing.

September 25, 2019:  Really tough nite last nite. Anonymous calls at 2:30 a.m., 7:30 a.m., 9:15 a.m., etc. (*Relates to coyotes in G.C.P. on Sept. 13, I think.) 101 with John F. from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. Then two hours at Rincon. Lots of smiles at me and “Bernie.” Take F to Castro. Wait for #35 at 19th Street. See interesting guy at J’s store. Maybe J. (*Relates to first dream of Sept. 23?) Go to Cuppa at G.P. Then take #44 to Portola ’cause I really wanted to get a macha frappachino, which I did. Hawk there. Also ladybug. Barista there liked “Bernie.” She took a selfie with him. Then offered me a glass of water as I was leaving. I think she was coming on to me. (*Relates to slip and fall hier at Mt.D.?) #43 home.

September 24, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Trip and fall. Have trouble getting myself up. Am scratched. Go to Starbucks Portola to wash up, etc. Walk back home. Then to Hamburger Mary’s in the Castro for Bernie meeting. See Jiro at The Cove on the way. 10 of us at the meeting. I brought “Bernie.” Had playful interaction with Mary. It kind of freaked me out. Greg(?) is gay? He mentioned his husband, I think. Black guy said he didn’t like to go door-to-door because he’s black. I said I’d go with him. K on the way home.

September 24 nap dream:  Trying to recycle old clothes that weren’t even mine.

September 24 dream:  Prosperos event. Melissa asks me if I’m going to the singles affair later.

September 23, 2019:  3-ring call in a.m. Break glass in kitchen sink. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Hawk at Diamond and Bosworth Streets. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. See coyote. Then 3 or 4 coyotes (from a distance). Walk on to Mt.D. Meet nice young man who had just moved to the neighborhood and didn’t even know Mt.D. existed. He said he was attracted by the “Beware of Coyotes” sign. We talked briefly. Then, on leaving, he looks at my grocery bag and says: “Enjoy your picnic.” I say: “It’s just shopping, but that’s a good idea.” (*Relates to hawk from G.C.P. hier, I think.)

September 23 dream:  Walking thru a group of gay men and their partners. Camera guy was naked with a hard-on. I had on underpants with a hard-on as well. I walked thru one part of the pool to get home.

September 23 dream:  “That’s all right. If I don’t have a family, I’ll just get even in other ways,” I say in dream. Something about dyspeptic.

September 22, 2019:  Online Trustee meeting at 9 a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph there. He asks me if I’ve seen The Hitcher yet. I say I haven’t gotten it from the library yet. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk overhead. Car full of gorgeous, dangerous guys on path up to Amber Drive. Mt.D. Home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Misperception and mismanagement can lead to crisis. My conclusion: Truth is only aware of Truth, managing Itself perfectly, guiding itself righteously, bounteously through any point of crisis/decision, always beginning and ending in Truth.

September 22 dream:  Snake inside bag with extension chord. Snake gets out. Woman wants me to put it back in. I don’t want to.

September 22 dream:  Get big red box. Open it. There are shelves inside and a dummy dressed up. Also a receipt book from the police dept. I’m with Tom O.

September 22 dream:  About to kiss young man I’m with. He seems to be bracing himself.

September 21, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Coyote on the trail. Is chased off by somebody’s dog. (*Relates to tomorrow’s Trustee’s meeting?) At Safeway, Steven opens up Express Lane for me. Myka outside taking break. Gang of skateboarders at Safeway. Also long-haired interesting guy at Safeway.

September 21 nap:  Somebody telling me bad news.

September 20, 2019:  K to West Portal. Cute guy on board. Strange attitude. I tried to loosen him up. Optometrist appointment. Walk from West Portal to Arizmendi’s on 9th Avenue. Then to Peets Cole Street. Spill my drink. Take #37 to Castro. Then #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. He was unaware of today’s climate strike. Walked to Jun’s salon to get hair cut and to see Jun. He’s not going to move to N.Y.C. After all. He will be buying the salon and staying on with his wife here in S.F. I told him my haircut made me look handsome. He said if I’m happy I should bring a lady. I said: “Can I bring a gentleman?” he said: “You can.”

September 20 dream:  Switch bus drivers at rainy mall parking lot. I sit behind new driver. Old driver sits next to me.

September 19 dream:  Go to Vallejo with John F. and his friend Alyson from the “Academy.” Beautiful man and his dog waiting in line in front of us at Ferry Building. Once we are on board I talk to him briefly. Find out his pit bull dog is 7-years-old. Though she still acts like a puppy. Once we off load, I see him again and we smile. (*Relates to hawks from Sept. 17?) Walk thru Vallejo with J.F. and Alyson. Then have fish & chis at local resto and take ferry back. Get “Perfect” in W.P. Go to Peets W.P. and home. John wins on the Great British Baking Show Season 5.

September 18, 2019:  On walk to 101 from Montgomery Station, young guy runs up to me excitedly about my TYT T-shirt. He says he watches “The Damage Report” every day. He’s from Seattle. Said he was renewing his French visa. I say: “Are you going over there?” He says: “No, I already went to the embassy. I’m going to Fisherman’s Wharf to take some pictures.” I say: “No, I meant are you going to France?” See my Asian friend at 101. Two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. Guy at 19th & Castro. Guy on #35 with “Janus Films” T-shirt. He’s overweight but he gives me a look of submission which turns me on. Jordan at C.B. Meet Colby there. Black 22-year-old U.C. Santa Cruz grad who majored in sculpture. We talked for about an hour. I left just as his girlfriend arrived. #23 right away. #43 right away home. Memory: Mommy didn’t want another boy. Then I showed up.

September 17, 2019:  Get up at 7:30 a.m. or so. Very unusual for me. Drop and break my favorite coffee cup. That usually means something. Work ’til 1:30 p.m. or so. Take nap. Leave house about 3ish. Walk to G.P. Owners there. Walk thru G.C.P. See one hawk circling. Walk to Amber Drive. See two hawks circling. Then they scare off crow. Then three hawks flying with each other. Mollie Stones. Mt.D. Home. Insight: Maybe I’m taking on my father’s pain as aa way to get along with him. Then remember word loyal is related to legal, that is, the only real loyalty. Legal bond I have is not to my father but to being Itself.

September 17 dream:  Dream of floating down the corner of a room from a very high ceiling. Didn’t know how I was doing it. Decided not to question it. (*Relates to taking ferry to Vallejo on 9/18?)

September 17 dream:  Walking thru empty rooms. Said I wanted people around. Then there were lots of people around.

September 16, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Catching up on 3 days of email, etc. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Two crows playing with each other. Then lots of coyotes howling. I howl back. Hawk on Amber. Walk to Mt.D. and home. View video of my Sunday talk. Fibromyalgia: “See, Daddy, you don’t have to hit me ’cause I’m already in pain.”

September 16 dream:  Guy acting like robber lays down in doorway instead of trying to run away.

September 16 dream:  Woman follows me thru the Castro. Finally she catches up to me at a resto. She says: “That wasn’t so hard.” I agree. We’ve finalized our divorce. Later I’m sitting with group of friends about to describe the greatest nite of sex I’ve ever had. Then the whole resto gets quiet except some background noise. I ask if the management can turn it down. Then management evicts a whole bunch of people and there are just a few of us left. Later big TV woman talks about her special friend in Chicago. She says he visits her every so often and then the fun begins.

September 15, 2019:  Online H.W. Meeting at 9 a.m. My rotating deanship proposal went down 10-4. Then my talk (“The Ontological Foundation of the U.S.A.”). I got most emotional when talking about Greta Thunberg, the 15 year-old who stood up to all the powers that be and said: “Enough.” Take two hour nap after. Walk to G.P. See “Erica Edwards” therapist sign I had never seen before. Walk thru G.C.P. to Starbucks Portola. Cute baristo there. Later he came out from behind the counter. He was wearing shorts which showed off his hairless but still masculine legs. Mt.D. and home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Hardening of the arteries causes heart attack in individuals and institutions. My conclusion: The Life Force is limitless, boundless, full speed ahead, wholeness yielding to wholeness, the organizational perfection of one invulnerable Individuation.

September 15 dream:  Waiting 12 hours for my boyfriend to pick me up. See Marilyn Deurell at one point. Some Christian Scientists come in. One talks to me about his boyfriend.

September 14, 2019:  Bernie tabling with Gay at Carl & Cole from 10am-1pm. Take one hour nap after. Walk to G.P. CCSF football on the way. Rams leading opponent 40-0. Angelique at C.B. She tells me she went swimming at Baker Beach. I think: “Isn’t that a nude beach?” Later I show her short book I’m reading called She by Robert Jonson. She reads the first few pages and, when I leave, asks if she can keep it. I say, “Well, it’s a library book so I have to return it by Oct. 4.” I gave her my email. Walk through G.C.P. Realize the three hawks from hier related to my two interchanges with Angelique, not with J., as I had hoped. Walk to Mt.D. Then Safeway. Myka and Steven there. Myka tells me to look at both sides of the hong Kong story. Insight: My right to sweets a hidden revolt against my mother?

September 14 dream:  Look at real estate listing. Express my interest at real estate office. Tell them I was the one who took a typing test.

September 14 dream:  Lost in Sacramento.

September 13, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. He’s going to UC Santa Cruz starting later this month. Walk to G.P. New barista at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Three hawks distant. Then three hawks close up on Amber. Go to Mollie Stones. Then Mt.D. Meet Elliot from Manchester, UK, on top of Mt.D. We talk for about two hours. (*Relates to conversation hier on #29 to VA?) Hawk at Mt.D. as well. Mostly about his trip thru America, Jiu-jitsu. He left, saying: “I wish I could stay.”

September 13 dream:  Working at a newspaper as a dishwasher instead of an editor which I was. Get caught.

September 13 dream:  See photo of Cenk’s face in a pancake. Show it to Ana and then head to Cenk.

September 12, 2019:  VA appointment at 1 p.m. Young guy drops his key on way onto bus. Other sort of  autistic guy points it out. They sit together and get off at same stop, after an interesting conversation about sci-fi, etc. Walk from VA to Cole Valley thru G.G. Park. Think about inflammation of my pelvic area. Realize inflammation is the body trying to get rid of something it doesn’t need. Perhaps I’m trying to get rid of some of my outdated ideas about sexuality. Get anonymous call as I realize this. Royale at Peets Cole Valley. Beautiful guy named Alex on #43 home. He looked like a young Elliott Derzaph. At W.F. Japanese guy with fresh arm tattoo of manga character. He still had on bandages. He told me he got the tattoo an hour ago. I told him: “It must mean a lot to you.”

September 12 dream:  Making up a new team of Bernie supporters with new videos?

September 11, 2019:  Go to 101. Meet Jason on the Muni subway on the way. Three homeless people camping out next to our usual station. Nice to see John F. again. Two hours at Rincon. Take M to Castro. Cute guy I had cruised before got off at Castro after me. Then he adjusted his pants. I walk on to Spikes. Then back to Castro Station and got K home. Got call as soon as I got home. As I lifted my phone to my ear, it smelled bad. Shits at about 5 p.m.

September 11 dream:  Trip over mountain terrain with two other guys. Stop to take a break and get 2-1/2 pancakes and toast.

September 10, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. the back way from the 7-11 on Ocean Avenue. Casual mouse on Mt.D. Walk to G.P. Two distant hawks. Zeph at C.B. 5:30 p.m. conference call with Bernie. Get cut off before Bernie comes on. Stop by Safeway. Steven there at checkout stand. Nice to see him. Two or 3 cute guys on Frida Kahlo on way home.

September 10 dream:  Tried to control some homeless people at a do. Cute guy dancing cooly, I thought. I told woman friend: “These homeless are impossible.” (h.o.)

September 10 dream:  Donuts and libation for people. (h.o.)

September 10 dream:  At high-end place I didn’t want to be. I accidentally break a couple of dishes.

September 9, 2019:  Call AT&T in early a.m. They said to reboot twice a month and gargle once a day. In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D from Ocean Avenue. Asian guy smiles at me at Faxon and Ocean. Walk from Mt.D. to G.P. Guy on Coventry Lane. Zeph at C.B. Finish He by Robert Johnson. Myka at Safeway.

September 9 dream:  I recommended their roast chicken so now everyone is getting roast chicken. At camp in woods.

September 9 dream:  Taking a test. High school kids in background. One black guy says: “This guy, they stripped him.” Unexplained welts/growths on my face.

September 8, 2019:  Heather’s Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. 10 people there. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph there. Cute Asian guy as I leave. Walk thru G.C.P. Take steep uncharted short-cut up to Turquoise Way. Guy with”Just Do It’ T-shirt on Mt.D. Translation Group in p.m. Sense testimony: Powerful weapons may be beyond the capacity of humans to handle their impulses and rage. My conclusion: Truth is one being always present in mind, where there are no mortals and there are no battles, where weapons are non-essential and the capacity of Truth is limitless and Truth is the sole handler, the sole moderation and the sole impulse.

September 8 dream:  Trying to get on some sort of program. (h.o.)

September 8 dream:  Big liberal/conservative debate coming up. (h.o.)

September 8 dream:  Peeing in outdoor glassed-in bathroom. Hope woman wasn’t offended by my peeing.

September 8 dream:  Little kid likes me. Holds my hand. Balcony collapses gradually. I take kid to safety.

September 7, 2019:  Took an hour nap. (*See dream below.) Figured out hawk eating prey from Sept. 4 relates to my call with Ben about my September 15 talk, I think. In ’til 3ish. Go to library. Mary is there for 10th anniversary. Walk to G.P. Angelique and Mae there. (*Mae relates to woman sitting on my lap from nap dream?) Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Shirtless guy rock climbing. Then dog with log in its mouth. Dead rat no longer in alley behind Mollie Stones. Steven at Safeway. I see him at deli section. He’s very happy. Then he is at checkout stand. I’m excited to check out with him. At last moment, surly young woman takes his place. Steve is still smiling. (*Relates to dead rat from hier, I think.) Trip and almost fall getting up from couch in p.m.

September 7 nap dream:  Talking about high school politics. Tom O. there. Talking about guy in Nancy’s class. Woman sits on my lap. It feels good.

September 7 dream:  Went back and picked up tape recorder guy. Tapes don’t work in the desert where we’re going.

September 6, 2019:  Ben in a.m. Take one hour nap. Walk to G.P. New barista at C.B. for 3rd day in a row. I comment on that. She gets defensive. Nasty black woman in yellow city community service vest sits next to me, talking on the phone and making all sorts of nasty noises. I imitate her. Finally she leaves. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mollie Stones Tower Market. 2 or 3 cute cashiers there. Walk to Mt.D. See big, freshly dead rat in alley behind Mollie Stones. Mt.D and home.

September 6 dream:   Sort of S&M play. I’m supposed to help other guy who is being attacked. Then several guys and some giggling women came through. Some guys are hung from meathooks. I’m relieved ’cause at least it looks realistic.

September 6 dream:  Wm. Fennie and I are both naked actors practicing a scene. Finally he agrees with me and he turns me around and starts fucking me. Some women accidentally look in and believe it’s real.

September 6 dream:  In movie, megaphone hooked up so whole school could hear guy having sex. Then it was over P.A. Then it stopped. Saw guy later. Asked him about it. He said he realized he could be happy where he was.

September 5, 2019:  Finish talk. Take two hour nap! In ’til 4ish. Walk to G.P. New barista at C.B. Walk to Muddy Waters on Valencia. Then Berniecrats meeting with Ben, Claire, Laksh, Jason, Barbara, Hemmei, etc. Shahid and Tom G. there as well. Pretty dark-skinned woman sitting next to me talked to me as if we were old friends. Kind of freaked me out a bit. #49 home. Two late night anonymous calls a little before 2 a.m.

September 5 dream:  Bootleg copy of Carol Burnett Show introduction showing Carol being friendly, funny, scary, etc.

September 4, 2019:  In ’til 1ish. Go to Rincon for two hours or so. Take BART to Glen Park. New barista there. She likes my “Bernie So Punk” T-shirt. Walk to Ocean Avenue. #29 home. Watch guy climbing into CCSF parking lot. He turns left and whips out his camera for something. I can’t imagine what so I follow in his footsteps. There is a hawk on top of a flat lamppost, eating his prey. Probably means something. We’ll see.

September 4 dream:  Want to give long-time revolutionaries a chance to bask in new facility (like Chase Center).

September 4 dream:  Did a temp job. Paid over $1,000 for one day of typing something. Nice woman employer.

September 4 dream:  J. is supposed to come over on Friday night at 8 p.m. for dinner. And then again on Saturday morning at 8 a.m. for something else. I wonder if he’ll just stay the night.

September 3, 2019:  In ’til 10:30 a.m. Appointment with Dr. Mebine for glasses. Really nice, smart, humble Asian woman doctor there. She says:  “Do you have any questions?” I think: “Are you married?” (*Relates to hard-on dream from last night?) Go to Peets West Portal. Then walk home via Mt.D. Little mouse on Mangels Avenue. Go to library. See Dakota on way back. He ignores me (because I asked out Jiro, his friend and co-worker?) Work at home. Take nap.

September 3 dream:  Hard-on dream about taking class. I’ve done none of the reading, ’cause I was busy doing other things over the weekend. Tom O. there.

September 3 dream:  Excuse myself from table which I really didn’t want to leave. Need to clean my ass. Go to hotel which is so dirty and scary. Then to mansion with spoiled children playing cruel games. Also woman trying to talk to me, when I finally find a bathroom.

September 3 dream:  Weekend of intense classes.

September 2, 2019:  Happy Labor Day or, as Jordan Chariton of Status Coup calls it, Happy Oligarch’s Day. Email from Fennie in a.m. about my proposal to rotate the deanship. He is angry and vituperative. Makes me think we hit home. Stayed in ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. C.B. crowded. Zeph there. Walk thru G.C.P. Cold and windy day. Then on to Mt.D. As I approach peak, white haired guy I felt I knew smiled at me as I am thinking about my September 15 talk. J. calls in p.m. Feel bad afterwards. (*Relates to hawks in G.C.P. and hawk at Mt.D. hier?) Insight: My desire to eat certain foods that I know will cause me pain is like my desire to answer the phone whenever it rings, although I know it will probably cause me pain as well. RHS my father in p.m. (*Relates to August 29 dream of a “final test”?)

September 2 dream:  Big hard-on dream. (*Relates to nice, cute female optometrist on 9/3?)

September 2 dream:  Go to N.Y. Don’t like it. Come home. They’re doing archeological dig in the Haight. Beautiful construction worker with thick lips. I look at him. He smiles. Then I see his twin brother. Later beautiful naked supervisor jumps into muddy pool of water. Others jump in after him.

September 1, 2019;  Bills and BB monthly update. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. He tells me about the ’80s movie “The Hitcher.” Also cute very young Japanese guy. (*Relates to distant hawks from hier?) Walk to G.C.P. Friendly black cat on the way. Some hawks overhead, louder and closer than hier. Guy running by smiles at me as I look at them. Hawk sitting on telephone pole on Mt.D. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Belonging, relatedness, connection, and acceptance is conditioned by family history. My conclusion: Truth is the only condition, the only conditioning, the only dwelling, the only dwelling place, all-accepting, all-agreeing, all-knowing and all that can be found out (all-history). Ballot for dean rotation sent out. I feel very good about it.

September 1 dream:  Start working on list of questions in law office for first time. Am taken away to do something else.

September 1 dream:  Two old women jostle in front of me in line. Then I wake up and everybody is gone to the next floor where there is an X’mas party. Carol C. there and her boyfriend Niles, who had kissed me earlier.

September 1 dream:  A very tall Tom C. and others walking out of resto. They don’t see me walking in.

August 31, 2019:  Listened to Roger Hallam, founder of Extinction Rebellion. Very moved. (*Relates to first dream of August 30?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. Also Walter. Some distant hawks at G.C.P. Two friendly pit bulls humping each other on Mt.D. Shits at Safeway. Myka and Steven there. Myka is taking 18 units at SFSU. Listened to Aretha in p.m.

August 30, 2019:  In ’til 1ish. Henry at library. I told him I had quit the History of China class that he took as well. K to Rincon. Tow hours at Rincon. Beautiful multi-racial guy sitting at table. I passed by him twice. The second time we made contact. F to Castro. Walk past The Cove and 440 Club to 19th & Castro. #35 to G.P. New barista at C.B. She told me she had a dream that she was working on the Bernie campaign. Waiting for #36, meet guy who works for “Plenty,” a hydroponic food company. I said, “You must have had to get all kinds of degrees for that.” he said, “No, I just interview well.” I believe it. Talk with Jesse at Monterey & Gennessee. He said he’s thinking of moving to Japan. #43 home. See “Surprises are coming” in p.m.

August 30 dream:  9/11 has just happened again. The fire chief won’t turn on the fire hose. And we need to get going.

August 30 dream:  Took vacation with bus load of people. Had to give up my apartment to do so. Now I’ve got to find new apartment.

August 29, 2019:  In ’til 2ish. #43 to Arizmendi Bakery. Then #37 to the Castro. Stop by The Cove to see Jiro. The place is empty. Jiro is at the cash register. He looks gorgeous. I ask him if he’d like to go out with me sometime. He doesn’t seem too thrilled. He says, “Maybe.” I give him my phone number. (*Relates to slipping hier on Mt.D.?) At least I had the balls to ask him out. Stop briefly at 440 Club after. (*See skunk from hier?) Then onto G.P. C.B. is filled so I walk thru G.C.P. Hear coyotes howling at passing sirens. Then stop at Starbucks Portola. Young h.s. student in line compliments me on my TYT T-shirt and my “Bernie” button. When he opened his wallet, I noticed his ACLU card and complimented him on that. Walk to Mt.D. and home.

August 29 dream:  Taking final test and they run out of paper and ask me if it’s a problem for me to get more. I say, “No.” So I’m out looking for blank paper and someone is talking to me about Billye Talmadge and what a “shooting star” she is. I have one half hour to finish test. Should be enough time.

August 29 dream:  Climb into sort of work prison. As I climb out, I say, “We are free.” Guy says to me: “Who’s free?” I say, “Anybody who wants to be.”

August 29 dream:  Continuing class with two black women and and one white guy. We are getting our food from a small fridge. Apparently I had all mine with me. Guy picks me up. It feels good.

August 28, 2019:  Tabling for Bernie at SFSU. Nobody shows up. I take M to Castro. Stop at The Cove. Order pancakes. My waiter was the same guy I saw hier. He says, without my asking anything, that Jiro won’t be in ’til tomorrow at 2 p.m. Take me and “Bernie” home via #35, #36 and #43. Work on BB. Take nap. Walk to Mt.D. Slip on way down. Then arrogant woman, and skunk running into the bushes. Guy at Ridgewood/Monterey bus stop same as guy from August 5. I imagined being fucked by him. It turned me on.

August 28 dream:  Taking special test for an elite group.

August 28 dream:  Guy as a joke puts four ear plugs in my right ear without my knowing it. I take them out.

August 28 dream:  Pretty woman with cute though motionless puppy tries to get on my good side.

August 27, 2019:  In ’til about 4:30ish, working on my Sept. 15 talk. Walk to Miramar and up to Mt.D. On way down, see mouse, hawk sitting on telephone pole, and skunk. Talk with Ryan at W.F., who had just dyed his hair a striking blond.

August 27 dream:  Working at job I didn’t understand.

August 26, 2019:  Bernie tabling at SFSU from 10 a.m. to noon with Heidi and “Hemming.” “Bernie” a big hit. Lots of gorgeous guys. Took M to the Castro to talk with Jiro. He wasn’t there. I’ll try again on Friday. Walk into 440 briefly just to give the old fogies a thrill. See Austin from Spikes on Castro. #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. #23 and #43 home. 30 minute fire drill at 4:55 p.m. Met Andrew from W.F. outside.

August 26 dream:  Washing dishes for Bernie campaign. Sups sort of dismissive.

August 26 dream:  Walk by J’s house. He has on red shirt. Then he is shirtless. He’s grown burly with a hairy back. His friend catches up to me on the sidewalk. He says that I’m an honorary member of the household. I said: “I’ve never been there.” He said: “You’ve got a bed. I made it.”

August 26 dream:  Sue Beck gives me envelope (from Thane?) at West Portal station. It says: “You’re going to win tonight.”

August 25, 2019:  Online H.W. Meeting at 9 a.m. About 13 attended. The big draw was my proposal to rotate the deanship every two years. Took nap after. Then walked to G.P. Zeph at C.B. I took his photo. Walked thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. to home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People are more driven by cult of personality (tribal loyalty) than by the love of truth. My conclusion: Leaders are those who love who/what they are (the Truth) and who know and show the Truth, the equality of personhood, welcoming all beliefs and believers with open arms.

August 25 dream:  My co-worker drafting up an Abatement and a Statement of Non-Recurrence about something. In fact, four of them.

August 25 dream:  Dream of the word “pilas” (which means dick in Portuguese; also plural of pilum, a sort of Roman javelin).

August 25 dream:  Policeman being sued on a shopping list of accounts.

August 25 dream:  In Paris, trying to register for classes. I’m with guy who doesn’t really want to be there. It starts raining. Guy says to baby girl: “I have most of my classes.” Baby girl: “Give me back my computer doll.” Guy: “That dog is a lot smarter than your computer doll.”

August 25 dream:  Looking at photo of naked guy with tan line in a room full of clothed people. Two guys come in my bedroom. One from the window, one from the door. One short, one tall. I’m scared stiff. I weakly throw my alarm clock at the short one. Then at the taller one. It’s raining outside. Big cat runs through. We chase it. Old woman next door says that the men have entered her place before. And that they have some sort of problem.

August 24, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walked to G.P. Went to C.B. No one there. I waited several minutes for a barrista/o. Finally Angelique appeared. But by then I had decided to go to the Castro instead and try to get in touch with Jiro. So I get on #35 to visit Jiro at The Cove. Manager was outside cleaning tables when I arrived and he told me Jiro was working in the back this weekend and that he’d be in the front in a couple of weeks. (*Relates to 2nd dream of August 24?) So I walked down Castro to Spikes. Guy I didn’t know said hello to me. I looked at him. He said: “I just wanted to say hello.” Then Spikes was too crowded so I took #35 back to C.B. Angelique still there. Less crowded though. Walked to Safeway. Was going to stop by Jun’s but he wasn’t in. See Myka and Steven at Safeway. Myka talks about the dead Koch brother. I talked about Bernie.

August 24 dream:  Al greeting other Prosperos with hugs. Me more formally. Someone suggests an office of Translator-in-Chief which would be what future generations would look to.

August 23, 2019:  Volunteer for Bernie at 11 a.m. We get our posts right away. Then just stand around ’til 3:15 when town hall started. It was held at the former Honda dealership which was the former home of Fillmore West before it was moved to Fillmore and Geary. When program started I stood between two hot guys eyeing each other throughout. Cute Asian guy after. He was wearing a red T-shirt but wanted to buy a blue T-shirt. I said to him: “I think you’re a red.” Then he tried to buy his T-shirt from me. I said: “No. I’m just a color commentator.” Then take K to Castro. Get off at Laguna to follow cute guy in green. Then walk to Castro. Stop by Cove to talk to Dakota. Then start talking to his workmate. He walks out. I follow him. Try to speak Spanish and he tells me his name is Jiro (pronounced “hero”). I say: “I’ll stop by again.” (*Relates to dream of August 22?) Then to G.P. and C.B. Then #36 home. Etc.

August 23 dream:  Dream woman leaves her baby with us at Bernie event at former Fillmore West.

August 23 dream:  Go to work on my day off. Building is about to be evacuated.

August 22, 2019:  K to Rincon. Beautiful but inscrutable guy sitting across from me. I wanted to tear his clothes off and fuck him. The idea excited me. Was going to Rincon but decided to go to Berkeley instead. Then decided to go to Rockridge. Meet Malakhi on train. (He gave me his card.) He’s a gorgeous high school grad who told me all about his non-profit to help students in Puerto Rico. He’s flying there on Monday. Went all the way to Pleasant Hill. Then doubled-back to Rockridge. Get a little lost on College Avenue. Significant eye contact with passing stranger. Stop by by Peets. See guy wearing T-shirt with “C.I.T.” on the back. Read my papers. Then walk to downtown Berkeley. Find Revolution Books. Then go to cafe on Durant. Decide not to go to George Washington panel at Revolution Books. Miss first AC bus to city. Car drives by with pile of white guys yelling the N-word at the black people hanging out on the bench behind me. AC bus arrives at new Transbay Terminal. Kind of anti-climactic. Guy on K. Then 2nd guy on K on way home. Henry at W.F. Letter from Sonoma BMR apts. Thought it was an acceptance letter. Instead, it was only an acknowledgement letter.

August 22 dream:  Looking at line of barely clad blond man in bondage at prison. One was loose and the overseer tried to convince him he had an oblation to the state.

August 21, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. and then Mt.D. Then W.F. Follow cute guy to egg dept. I was about to talk to him when I noticed he had ear plugs on. Then felt bad for not talking to him. Waiting in line at W.F. cafe, even cuter guy with muscle T-shirt (and the muscles to match) and shorts. He had ear plugs in as well and was texting someone, but I interrupted him anyhow. He had a cauliflower ear so I asked if he was a wrestler. He said he used to be. Now he’s a rookie policeman. I said: “That’s not the new uniform, is it?” He laughed. Then called me “Sir.” Insight: I love my father but I’ve been trying to get away from him forever. (*Relates to Harriet first dream of Aug. 19, I think.)

August 21 dream:  My place of work has been remodeled. I’m looking for a restroom. Go into place called “Little Boys Room.” It’s a sort of barbershop filled with men, mostly of color. Hallway is filled with people (also mostly of color) leaving work.

August 21 dream:  Did something wrong but wasn’t fessing up to the people driving the car from one end of the peninsula to the other.

August 20, 2019:  Dental appt. at 10 a.m. Then walk thru the Castro to Spikes. Austin there. Bought T-shirt. Waited for #35 at 19th & Castro. Took off my shirt and put on my new T-shirt. #35 to G.P. Meet new barristo at C.B. Very cute, likable, sweet SFSU student trying to get into their psychology program. #23 and #43 home. Worked on Sept. 15 talk and Powerpoint. Walk to Mt.D. and back. Looked at the word “willful.”

August 20 dream:  Dream I’m late for work. It’s 11:30 a.m. My apt. is water logged and the door and lock automatically pop open. And co-worker says I have spots on my forehead.

August 20 dream:  Event at Saratoga house. Hanz leaves in his one person car. I’m sorry to see him go. Harriet and Obe there. I think: “I’m 74. Why am I still living in my father’s house?”

August 19, 2019:  Bernie tabling at CCSF opening day from 10 a.m. to noon with Patrick and young woman whose name I forgot. History of China class at 1:10 p.m. About all 18- y-o Chinese-American kids. Pretty much decided not to continue ’til I encountered guy afterwards who related to the hawk I saw hier at G.C.P. Go home. Walk to G.P. New barista at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P to Mt.D. and Home. See Isaiah at W.F. I joke: “So how are things with the Old Testament?” He says: “Oh, because of my name?” I say: “Yeah. Maybe you should read it. Maybe there’s a message in there for you.”

August 19 dream:  A moment of honesty in my relationships. I am left admiring Harriet, of all people. I smile at her. She says: “Do you want some gum?” I say: “Sure.” (h.o.)

August 19 dream:  In new city. Walking by steep wall. Train comes by. I want to continue walking.

August 18, 2019: Ben’s Translation workshop at 11 a.m. Wonderful. About 19 attended. Then when I left home about 3ish realized I had lost my little portable camera. So I Translated “loss.” Then walked to G.P. Decided to stop by all the places I had stopped by hier, even the liquor store where I bought a newspaper. And midway thru asking, store clerk reached behind the counter and gave me my camera back. I had dropped it on the floor hier. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk on the way. Then to Mt.D. Large black poodle sniffed my crouch rather than the bag I was carrying as most dogs do. Still high from Translation workshop. Walk to W.F. Then follow guy on bike I thought might have been my linguist friend from Aug. 16. Run into extremely well-built Asian guy and his girlfriend on Ocean. He seemed to insist that I notice him. So I did. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Dominating people dismiss others which keeps principle from manifesting. My conclusion: Truth is the first and only Principle underlying the undismissable equality of goodness and importance self-evident in the manifestation of Oneness exemplified everywhere.

August 18 dream:  One of the family employees lets two of the children in a car loose on a steep road, but charged after and got them. I said to her: “Welcome to my side of the family.”

August 18 dream:  We are invited into pool where we are threatened by Japanese dolls. One woman says: “That makes an excellent pet.”

August 17, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Korean guy at liquor store recommends Berlioz’s Requiem. Angelique at C.B. Cute well-built Asian guy comes in and in goes out. Also guy with Kamasi Washington T-shirt. Walk thru G.C.P. Shits at Mollie Stones. On to Mt.D. Then Myka and Steven at Safeway. Talk with Myka about Hong Kong. Talk with young man on #43 home about TYT and Jimmy Dore.

August 17 dream:  Dealing with officious, then helpful, then officious lady at office which had been partially destroyed.

August 17 dream:  Worried about possibly overlapping appointments.

August 16, 2019:  Anonymous calls at 7 a.m. and 8 a.m. Take K downtown. Meet cute linguist reading “Don’t sleep: There are snakes.” When we part, he says, “It was nice meeting you.” And he touched my shoulders. (*Relates to “total success” from August 14?) 101 with John F. Two hours at Rincon. Cute guy with tight white shorts, lifted his sweater which was wrapped around his waist to reveal his amazing ass. F to Castro. Then #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. #23 and #43 home.

August 16 dream:  Want to go home and tell everyone about my progress. My boss advises me to stay here.

August 16 dream:  Thane disciplines me. I thought: “I’m never going to allow you to do that to me again.” Then I try to put out ember.

August 15, 2019:  In ’til 1ish. Walked to Barbara & Noel’s to pick up “Bernie.” Noel drove us home. Call from someone claiming to be from the Bernie Sanders Washington, D.C., headquarters, thanking me for contributing to the campaign. Cartoonishly hot, hot guy outside my back door. I felt lustful, but not in a good way. Usually lusting after somebody is fun, especially if they are enjoying being lusted after. But this guy wasn’t, though he was certainly dressed to attract attention. Walked to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Hot day. Walked thru G.C.P. Tripped on log. Cut hand after cruising skateboarder. Went into Starbucks to wash hand. Walk to Mt.D. and then to W.F. Cute gay guy smiles at me as I enter W.F. 2 or 3 anonymous calls from disgruntled caller.

August 15 dream:  Filling out end of year (end of job?) insurance firms.

August 14, 2019:  Meet with Ben online about his upcoming Translation workshop. Joe comes in at the end. Several calls in the a.m. relate to hawks from hier at G.C.P.? Take nap. In ’til 4ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Little girl and mother(?) come in just as I’m leaving. Walk thru G.C.P. about an hour later than usual. Cyclist at O’Shaughnessy and Portola relates to shirtless runner from hier at C.G.P.? Guy with saw in left hand and shovel in right hand walking down the middle of the road says to me: “Good afternoon.” Friendly old guys on top of Mt.D. Then black woman in Army camo outfit with U.S. flag. Followed by camera crew.

August 14 dream:  Harriet and Nancy and Laurie and I visit Santa Cruz. I stay with Bill Floyd (Bill Fortis). He asked about my 9/20 blanket. I told him we got rid of that on the first day.

August 14 dream:  Out at fancy place for dinner with someone (Tom O.?). I was worried I was spending too much.

August 13, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to Mt.D. Then to G.P. Angelique at C.B. Cute little girl (and her mother?) sitting next to me. I say good-bye to her when I leave. Hawks at G.C.P. See “total success” on way to get haircut with Jun. He said he’s going to China for a month in November. Then on to N.Y. October 28 is his last day. I told him I was going to take a course on the history of China. He said I should learn Chinese instead.

August 13 dream:  Asking Jean Evans about music DVD I had checked out before but didn’t understand.

August 12, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Angelique at C.B. Scary-looking black homeless guy comes in. I make decision that if he does anything to her I would defend her. He asks for water. Angelique helps him. Hawks in G.C.P. Shirtless runner on G.C.P. path. I ogle him. He smiles back. My W.F. friend ignores me again. (*See diary of August 8.) Two or three guys and one gal at W.F. cafe. We had 86 clicks hier on the BB.

August 12 dream:  Trying out for SNL. Don’t have many lines. Other actors are weird rather than funny.

August 12 dream:  Saying goodbye to Chris H. Tom C. impressing people.

August 12 dream:  Getting ready for big talk or something.

August 11, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. See Jared (*from diary of April 1) on Ocean Avenue. I hardly recognized him. He looked bad. He didn’t recognize me. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. Shits at G.C.P. Walk to Mt.D. Fallen tree on path. Cute house painters on way down. (*Relates to guy from hier on Bella Vista?) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Debt can be misrepresented and inflated such that it causes victimization. My conclusion: Truth, the only premise, the only conclusion, presents its presents/presence presently, by committing Truth, openly, flawlessly and uninflatably, its only obligation being to Itself.

August 11 dream:  REO Speedwagon and labor unions.

August 10, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Guy walking down Bella Vista Drive. Looks back at me and adjusts his pants. Then Safeway. Then home. Insight: My “right to chocolate” is a substitute for my “right to sex.”

August 10 dream:  Try to put ___ into muffin and throw it outside. Now the dog wants the muffin. I fight to get it away. Wake up.

August 9, 2019:  Tough night last night. In ’til 3ish. When I got up to leave, had a tremendous pain in my left side. Made it painful to walk. Walked to G.P anyhow. Zeph at C.B. By the time I left the pain was gone. Realized later that the pain related to Facebook comment from somebody who thought my mentioning two young guys butt-bumping each other and the shits I had the day before as well as two hawks playing with each other at G.C.P., also on the day before, was “gross.” This may have also related to the tough nite I had last nite. I went over all kinds of possible responses to this person but finally realized she wasn’t really interested in what I was trying to describe. I don’t know what her intention was, but it no longer interested me. Emergency shits at Mollie Stones. Talked with Derek again. Mt.D. Home.

August 9 dream:  Visiting my parents. Invite them to L’Chaine d’Or at movie house in L.A. It’s about how to do movie lettering. And then on the second night, there is something related. They sound interested.

August 8, 2019:  Go over to Barbara’s from Berniecrats to get wood frame for “Bernie.” Walk from Ingleside to Arizmendi on 9th Avenue. Woman on N said she was going to stand by me. I said: “I’ll only be here a short while.” She said: “That’s okay.” I asked her if she was from Texas. She said, “Yes.” Peets Cole Street. Baristo had “Christian” name tag on. I said, “Are you Christian?” He said, “No, I’m wearing this for somebody else. I want to give him some cred.” I said, “I’m sure you will.” Later found out his name is “Royale.” #43 home. My W.F. friend (*see diary of July 23) ignores me. I flirt with two “exchange workers” from W.F. San Mateo on way out. Hear “carpe diem” again on TV. MSM book: Hope there’s a “happy ending” in at least two senses of that term.

August 8 dream:  Me getting very emotional about woman about to leave.

August 8 dream:  Living at larger Vantaggio Suites. Lots of cute young men there. I was living on the 9th floor. I play evil old guy with two older women.

August 8 dream:  Rushing all over the house for a belt that fits me.

August 7, 2019:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Cute guy at Super Duper. Two hours at Rincon. Then walk thru Castro with “Bernie.” See “Carpe Diem” on Castro. Talked with cute street performer at 18th & Castro. Jordan at C.B. My pants rub against the back of my legs and remind me of extreme sexual memory/feeling while waiting at Bosworth and Diamond. Guy passing noticed and seemed to want to take part. (*Relates to flood dream of August 5, I think.) #36 and #43 home. Think I’ve solved my YouTube framing problem.

August 7 dream:  Marcia is in a prison cell with the door open. She warns me to get away. She doesn’t recognize me. I say, “Marcia, It’s Michael.” “Michael?” she says. We embrace. Others are affected by the therapeutic moment. (h.o.)

August 7 dream:  Young William Fennie shows me maraschino cherry in his mouth. “It’s for people who want to suck on something.”

August 6, 2019:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to Peets Cole Street. Then to Berniecrats meeting at Page Street library. Patrick there. Also Barbara, Winnie, Ben. Met Eric recently from Austin. Cute guy with baby in library before. Reminded me of Eric Newton.

August 6 dream:  Something about Trump.

August 5, 2019:  Worked on video of MSM, Chapter 1. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Shits (again) at G.C.P. At end of park, two high school kids playing with each other, the short one bumping butts with the taller one (*Relates to two hawks playing with each other hier at G.C.P., I think.) Continue walk to Mt.D. Rat scurries across my path suddenly and quickly. Freaks me out a bit. Then at Ridgewood/Monterey bus stop, middle-aged Latino guy chats me up. Didn’t realize it ’til a little later. (*Relates to shits of hier and also hawk on Mt.D. from hier, I presume.)

August 5 dream:  I am woman in skirt guy is getting hard over. Then I am guy listening to woman say: “I’ve slept with both sexes. I don’t see what’s so exciting about sleeping with a woman.” (h.o.)

August 5 dream:  Make date to meet woman at Christian Science Sunday Meeting .

August 5 dream:  TV guy announcing storm. Suddenly water level is window-high and he cuts off. Water is blue, not muddy.

August 5 dream:  Leigh is driving and she drives over steep ridge. Says it will slowly take us down and it does, but it’s not fun. Then to apt. of her friend who is having a party. Aunt Joanne there. Looks great. I compliment her on her hair. She likes that. Other woman who I had met before tells me how full of “chi” she feels. I ask her what that means. Marion Bell there also, involved in new play. I say: “It’s good to keep busy.”

August 5 dream:  Bernie supporters stop by while I’m sorting my files. They are excited about how well he is doing. I give one a jazz L.P. I keep the other L.P.

August 4, 2019:  Trustees meeting at 9 a.m. Pretty good meeting. Take nap after. Then in ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Two hawks playing with each other in the sky. On to Mt.D. Feel progressively “shittier.” Turn back to take emergency shits at Starbucks Portola. Hawk on Mt.D. Something loudly falls into the bushes. Volunteered to give Sunday Meeting talk on September 15. My title: “The Ontological Foundation of the United States of America.” Get home to blank phone message from 6:02 p.m. (*Relates to shits from hier, I guess.) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Absconding undermines rule of law and creates victims. My conclusion: Truth, being lawful, predictable, repeatable, accountable, constant, un-underminable, all out in the open, always wins. Insight: “You’ve got to pay for it or it’s not worth anything.”

August 4 dream:  Dream of trying to get room to lay down and go to sleep.

August 4 dream:  Mary Ritley in Chicago. I give her a card. I can’t find her so give it to a work mate. He says: “I’ve just sat down” but he helps me anyway.

August 4 dream:  Last day in Corvallis. Try to buy local paper but they’re out. Buy Sunday Chronicle instead. And borrow Bar-B-Q ’til tomorrow. Cute salesman climbs over counter.

August 3, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Forgot my pen so no crossword puzzle. Walk thru G.C.P. Feel “shittier” and “shittier.” Take emergency shits at Mollie Stones Portola around 5 p.m. Meet Derek at checkout counter. Then on to Safeway. Myka there. Good to see him again. Also Steven. As I was leaving, security guards seem to be on high alert about something.

August 3 dream:  My neighbor is getting dressed casually so we can go and confront somebody about something.

August 3 dream:  Aunt Joanne is sick. Newspaper pictured all the people that were sick and took photos. In the photos all the people were laying in open coffins. I was glad the photo was not in the newspaper. Aunt Joanne showed me card from somebody in South Africa. Aunt Joanne doodling in French. I cut off a piece of her cardboard card with a knife. Not sure why I did that.

August 2, 2019:  6 a.m. fire alarm. I don’t think anybody in the building fell for it. Go to VA for 2:20 p.m. appointment. Then walk thru G.G.P. to 9th Avenue. Beautiful, unexpected man at Balboa and 38th Avenue. He was with a group of young men and women, maybe from some European country. Originally I was interested in somebody else, but this guy caught my eye and vice versa. RHS my father and me for our “moment of confusion” in his bedroom. Then got call for John Pinkerton again. Girl asks me: “Why are you playing with me?” I say: “Because I’m an idiot.” Girl at S.F. Botanical Garden liked my “Frisco” shirt and like me as well. N to Peets Cole Valley. Cute baristo there. #43 home.

August 1, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry at library said he didn’t like the instructor of the History of China course he took and I’m going to take at CCSF. Walk to G.P. Woman gives me come-on look at grocery store on way. Zeph at C.B. Two women sitting next to me made me feel desirable/uncomfortable. Lost two pieces of mail on the way there so I retraced my steps. Found them in the street on San jose Avenue. Decide to just go home. Stop by W.F. first. Guy in line with his girlfriend smiles at me. So does security guard on way out.

August 1 dream:  In basement mall full of people, cute guy I sort of knew who was with another guy touches me on the chest and says, “Have sex.” I said, “Okay.” Then I followed him out. Smiled excitedly at other guy I knew. Then lost them. Keep arriving at deli in which everybody sings and dances like a musical.

August 1 dream:  At school party somebody pointed out so-called healthy cookies “for me and the mister.”

August 1 dream:  Doing flower arrangement at work. Get note from lady at 40 Jones Street wishing me well.

July 31, 2019:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Then two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. Meet nice Chinese woman who likes “Bernie.” Walk with “Bernie” thru the Castro. #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. #23 and #43 home. On #43 meet guy from Norway who says I’d be very welcome to visit there. Blank message from 4:33 p.m. when I get home. Don’t know why my secret admirer doesn’t just leave me an F-ing message.

July 31 dream:  Working on campaign. Call one of my friends an asshole for ringing the bell and then not really wanting to come in. (h.o.)

July 31 dream:  Re-enter the Navy as a Seaman 2nd class. Someone tries to say that Kamala Harris provided a lot of jobs. I correct them.

July 31 dream:  Return home after vacation with Tom O., another guy and a girl who liked me. We put all my stuff in a “summer room.” Girl went thru my passport to make sure everything was there.

July 31 dream:  Judi Dench and I are in park outside of S.F. called Acacia (which Judi says means ten birth). It’s very beautiful. Guy throws frisbees and other things. I think, when I get married I would like to do it there, maybe. Another park nearby which looked familiar. Robin Williams joins us at the end.

July 31 dream:  A work, but wanted to play with little baby with hardly any legs. Womanish man was practicing her singing.

July 30, 2019:  Taped Chapter 1 of my book My Soul Mates. In ’til 3ish. Avalon office manager says I’m good for another year. Henry at library. I mentioned that I would be taking History of China at CCSF. He said he took that course as well. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Winded dog climbing steps to Mt.D. (with cute owner). When I reach base of Mt.D., woman asks me, “Is everything okay? Is it too wet?” Two cats on fence on Coventry Lane.

July 30 dream:  At party, guy asks me if I can get him an interview with Bernie. I say, “I know a few people.” I eat a big slab of meat. John H. there also.

July 30 dream:  Suzanne Deakins dropped by with a friend of mine who had asked me to take one of her “shorting” classes. We talked about the wonderful progressive things they are doing in Canada.

July 30 dream:  Max Gill is name of publisher in my book. Elizabeth Warren is helping me with it. We’re in building in Chicago. Lots of cold leakage stirred up in closet just rained down on us.

July 30 dream:  In L.A., trying to take #9 bus. Two pass me by. I reach municipal bus station Lots of coins on the ground keep appearing. I buy tickets. Beautiful big private pool in background.

July 29, 2019:  In a.m., thinking about fucking John H. Get anonymous call. Later jerk off. More anonymous calls. Walk to Mt.D. Then Teresita. Get lost. Finally arrive at G.P. Angelique at C.B. Electricity is off. Cute guy at C.B. talks to me about Bernie. #23 and #43 to W.F. Then home. Insight: Feel I didn’t have the right to grieve my mother’s murder.  Me to my step-mother: You took away not only my father, but my lover.

July 29 dream:  Different aspects of America were paraded by. Liberals were quiet during the “strong” portion.

July 29 dream:  At retirement home, trying to find place to pee.

July 29 dream:  Go back to place of party of the weekend before. Jody Vanda with me. We’re at the port. Jody wants to talk to captain of nearby vessel. He and I had a history. I forgot to bring my ticket.

July 28, 2019:  H.W. Meeting at 9 a.m. Hard night before. Meeting went well. (*Relates to dream of July 27, I think.) Take nap after. In ’til 3ish. Walk thru W.F. to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Siamese cat runs away from me on Amethyst. Stop at Mollie Stones Portola. Sweet young man there helps me find Greek salad. (*Relates to shits and hawk from hier?) On to Mt.D. Friendly cat plays with my shoe laces on Juanita. #43 right away. Walk thru W.F. again. Cute young dark-haired friend there. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Individuals and communities have no power when boundaries are not valued. My conclusion: Truth is the only Individual, our only commonality, always at hand, and boundless. Insight: I never stood up to my mother, either.

July 28 dream:  There is no third way to Trump.

July 28 dream:  Waiting in line at cafe. Meet cute black guy I had had class with. Then wait a long time. Then Heather shows up as a worker there. I say: “Are you a part of this?”

July 27, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Emergency shits there about 4 p.m. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk midway through. On to Mt.D. My pants rip as I lean down to get $1 for homeless guy. Then to Safeway. (*Bump on the head from hier relates to the Deli Dept. being closed. I flared in anger.) #43 bus right away. Get to my apt. entryway. See interesting guy walk into W.F. Follow him. Can’t find him. But do find other interesting guy. We exchange glances. Then, later, I feel bad about it. (*Relates to nail from hier? “If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” In other words, I always question myself after such encounters.)

July 27 dream:  Guy drives car over ridge and kills himself and others. Bill O’Reilly comes in saying Christ has cancer. Barking dog is soothed. (*Relates to High Watch meeting on July 28 a.m., I think.)

July 26, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. As I leave we exchange looks. (*Relates to young black & white hawk on G.C.P. from hier, I think.) Then on G.C.P., get one ring call and return call and leave message. (*Relates to two hawks hier at end of G.C.P, I think.) Bump head in G.C.P. Also see nail on step at G.C.P. Walk to Mt.D. Young black dog being held back by her young owners. Dog is afraid of me. Walk home.

July 26 dream:  New generation of managers at work. I try to get out of meeting but am forced to attend and listen.

July 26 dream:  Preparing for big political event. Then we go into church where event will be held. I think I’d like to take public transit home but I’ll probably end up with somebody giving me a ride.

July 26 dream:  Run into Michael Kelly at Safeway on outer Mission. We talk. Then he walks away. I walk after him. He’s got patches on his eyes. I realize he can’t see me. I ask him if he wants a hug. We hug.

July 25, 2019:  Jerk off about 2 p.m. Get phone call before and during. (*Relates to last dream of July 23, I think.) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Also cute smiling Asian guy I sat next to. And Mario Lopez look-alike who sat near me, then moved away. Walk thru G.C.P. Young black & white hawk flies overhead. As I exit park, two hawks overhead. Follow cute guy into Pop’s Sandwich Shop near Mollie Stones’ Portola. Then to Miraloma Market. He turns left and gives $1 to homeless guy. So do I. Continue on to Mt.D. and home. Break dish in p.m.

July 25 dream:  In Paris, I was telling my friend that it reminds me of S.F. That looking towards the hills of Marin is like looking towards Madrid. My guy friend had to run off somewhere. My girlfriend was mad at me.

July 24, 2019:  101 with John F. from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. See my Asian friend. Also guy who looked alluring, then turned out not to be. I grabbed my ass as I walked away. Cute, hot guy at Super Duper who I wolf-whistled at. He didn’t seem to mind. Then Rincon ’til 3ish. L to Castro. Beautiful day. I’m carrying “Bernie” with me all day. So I get all kinds of smiles, honks, etc. On Castro talked to two sort of mentally-challenged young men. One supported Biden. The other in front of 19th & Castro store. #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. He’s anxious to get to Friday so he can drive to L.A. to see his girlfriend. #23 to Railroad Expresso. Talk to Jesse briefly. Then #43 home. Still feel badly about Rick’s email response to me which I felt revealed his real loyalties to the status quo rather than to the school.

July 24 dream:  Make chocolate frappes. First batch didn’t go so well.

July 23, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Seemed a little tired. Walk thru G.C.P. Cute guy with big fat black dog who jumped up on me. On to Mt.D. Another younger thinner black dog jumps on me. Walk to W.F. Black guy on Frida Kahlo. At W.F. I talk to my friend from July 1 and before. He gives me health drink on the house. (*Relates to hawk from hier at G.C.P.?) Skunk from hier relates to response from Rick Thomas to my email about becoming a trustee: “And Yep, will keep you in mind for the next vacancy.”

July 23 dream:  Big poodle sitting on my lap, breathing on me under my shirt as I get ready to read part in old-fashioned play.

July 23 dream:  Figuring out payment for house. First payment is $800 per month

July 23 dream:  “Happy O Night” (“O” refers to orgasm.) Partners have orgasms separately.

July 22, 2019:  Anonymous 3-ring wake-up call at 9:15 or so. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Guy at liquor store says to me: “I know you’re handsome, but …” That undid me. Angelique at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to Amethyst Way. See hawk overhead. Talk with neighbor about the hawk family. Hot guy going into Mollie Stones Portola. I circle around the block to follow him. Stand behind him while he looks at muffins. He ignores me. Meet Pixie the dog and her owner on top of Mt.D. I almost trip and fall on leaving her. Skunk on path down. Guy on #43 talking excitedly to bus driver about healing through sound. I had met guy a few times before while passing out Bernie lit with Patrick at CCSF. Guy also ignored me. Stand up for God in my head when somebody online or in movie is critical.

July 22 dream:  Hard-on dream.

July 22 dream:  Tiger in the mall parking lot. Makes a half-hearted attempt on dog.

July 22 dream:  I cross tracks to get pieces of old box. Two others came competing for it, one a scientologist.

July 22 dream:  Tough black guy going after somebody. Then black dominatrix goes after him. Bernie in jeans sitting on bench waiting to go someplace.

July 22 dream:  Visiting old lady. Think I should go home [and I wake up].

July 21, 2019:  William Fennie in a.m. meeting. I felt such love for him, it was unnerving, ’cause usually I can’t stand him. Hot Asian guy liked my Bernie T-shirt at liquor store on way to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Take higher path at G.C.P. Two hawks overhead. Beautiful Asian guy waiting at #36 stop on Fowler Avenue. We made significant eye contact. On to Mt.D. Translation group in p.m. Ben G. joins us. Sense testimony: Family can be needed. Family can be painful. Family can be present or absent. My conclusion: Truth dwells everywhere in a family/household of perfect, harmonious, effortless formation, with only masters (no slaves) and lacking only absence.

July 21 dream:  Moving in with new roommate. He’s spotting me some money ’til I get moved in.

July 20, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. Good to see him again. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Bad smelling old man standing next to me for far too long. Walk on upper path of G.C.P. to Mt.D. Then to Safeway. Steven smiles in spite of himself when he sees me. Later he tries to ignore me. Myka there for the first time in many weeks. He has sore throat. Beautiful guy with dimples smiles at me as I exit #43. Then see Isaiah sitting outside W.F. as I enter home.

July 20 dream:  Bernie support in Paris.

July 20 dream:  Picking up herbal supplies for the month and days to come.

July 20 dream:  Guy trying to make his get away. Bob M. witnesses him. Guy throws unused milk into coffee tray.

July 20 dream:  Replanting trees in Washington state. Michelle Obama there.

July 19, 2019:  Get anonymous call while fantasizing about Saw actor Leigh Whannel. In ’til 1ish. Go to Rincon for two hours or so. Me: “I should be able to have that chocolate bar.” My body: “Not so fast, hot shot.” Then F to Castro. Guy on F who was apparently straight. Then young man on Castro working for Doctors without Borders. Then stop by the Cove to talk with Dakota. After, see my Doctors without Borders guy again. Meet cute friendly neighborhood guy at 19th & Castro. He and I and third person strike up quite a conversation about Muni. Go to G.P. Three German guys on #35. Two men of color. The third one accidentally kicks me on exiting. Angelique at C.B. Listening to Dreamville rap. Forgot my credit card at the checkout place. Fellow patron returned it to me. At Monterey and Gennessee, woman called out to me. She said, “Muni won’t be coming. They’re always late. I can drive you to Glen Park if you want.” I declined as I was going the other way. Then talked briefly with Jesse at Railroad Expresso. Then Pakwan resto. Then home.

July 19 dream:  Group of us trying to fall asleep and stay asleep in two different rooms. Some wake up. Police come in. (h.o.)

July 19 dream:  Anti-crime convention. We competed for best song.

July 19 dream:  Caught up at work. They said I should watch a film on the island of Geronimo.

July 19 dream:  Group of us climb to top of my apartment building on Market. When we get to top, Elizabeth Warren gives us pills to replenish us after a lot of crying.

July 18, 2019:  One year anniversary of this blog. Bernie tabling at CCSF with Patrick from 10:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. Many beautiful guys walking by. Home ’til 3ish. Call Jackie Speier to thank her for voting for Al Green’s impeachment bill. Call Pelosi to berate her for not voting for it. Got angrier than I thought I would. Then Arizmendi and Peets Cole Valley. #43 home. 2 or 3 beautiful guys in the back of the bus. Touching legs with Asian guy on exiting. Go to resto on Ocean. Liked the manager. The food not so much.

July 18 dream:  Introduce my aide Cookie to my grandmother and some other woman at  conference/assembly of my relatives and my work associates.

July 17, 2019:  Thought of jerking off in the a.m. Then got anonymous call. 101 today from 11:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. Brought “Bernie” with me. Then take F to Castro. See guy with ouija board lunch box. On the side it said, “Yes.” Wasn’t sure what that referred to, but probably something to do with my friend John H. #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Wait for #23. Obnoxious Latino guy joked with me when bus arrived. Home ’til 5ish. Walk to Mt.D. and back home. Rude barrista followed by cute guy at W.F. cafe. Cute Asian guy at elevator home.

July 17 dream:  Somebody wants me to be at Laurel Hotel tomorrow at 1 p.m. to counsel somebody.

July 17 dream:  Rush to take meditation class at last moment.

July 16, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk G.C.P. on upper path. Hear hawks. Also shadow of a hawk flies over me. Mt.D. RHSing my father. Realized for first time maybe I was the aggressor in Dad’s bed. No wonder I’m always punishing myself. “Emergency call” on my phone.

July 16 dream:  Looking for guy’s pea coat and can’t find it. Sales seem brisk at the store, however.

July 15, 2019:  See “back issues” online. Perhaps I have back issues because of back issues. In ’til 2ish. Meet Alan Blackman at Spikes. See Walter at Walgreens on the way. Alan gave me his (our) cartoon about Bernie. As I excitedly left for P.O. Plus, ran across cute motorcyclist at 19th & Castro and chatted him up for half a block. (*Relates to young hawks on G.C.P. from hier?) Walk up Market to G.C.P. and then G.P. Jordan at C.B. Talk to guy wearing full-length skirt on #23. When I said good-bye, he said, “Thank you.” Got home and worked on cartoon with Photoshop.

July 15 dream:  Getting ready to start my day. Got very tired. See someone at the door. It’s Livia. She’s mad ’cause I forgot she was coming over. Elliott D. also there. He says he knows how to take care of one of my problems. I say, “Thanks.” He said, “That’s what’s good about you. You accept people’s help in all different areas. Livia’s only interested in one area of your life.”

July 15 dream:  Something about DemocracyNow dedication on board ship.

July 15 dream:  Tom and I and Nannie’s other younger son by another man (our half-uncle?) talking at back of crowded train. Many are off-boarding to get on a bus, but we’re having a nice conversation about something.

July 15 dream:  Nannie comes by to put me pick me up. I explain to my friend I was raised as a Christian Scientist and I’d never taken a pill as a kid. Nannie was anxiously looking through my bag and wanted to take some of my pills though she didn’t know what they were for.

July 14, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Go to library, but have to return home for “emergency shits.” Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru C.G.P., but on higher path than usual. Run into guy sitting on steps. He smiles at me. It was only later when I was on Mt.D. that I realized he was coming on to me. (*Relates to hawk from hier on Mt.D.? Realize that guy from hier was also probably coming on to me.) Immediately after, two young hawks circling closely and loudly near me. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Logistics of managing belongings may become more difficult during transitions. My conclusion: Truth is an infinitely complex operation involving infinite people, infinite facilities and infinite supplies, all harmoniously and effortlessly operating and dependent on/belonging to Truth.

July 14 dream:  Start new job. They want to reach 2,400 people. It’s lunch time. Guy says I should eat. I think: “I know how to have lunch.”

July 14 dream:  Fat lady actress in red dress slips and falls down road. She still tries to answer MC’s question. Her red dress has fallen off. I am walking behind her. Later (in a follow-up dream) she says:  “You will get together.”

July 14 dream:  Little fire outside house where we were. I went across town to get a bucket of water. Then it all dripped out. Saw Euro-Disneyland on the way. Also guy who knows me.

July 13, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Work on book. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Two hawks at G.C.P. They talked with each other. Then both landed in the same group of trees (*Relates to messaging with Carolyn Gopalan on FB on Jly 14?) Friendly though serious guy at top of Mt.D. Red-tailed hawk on Mt.D. Safeway: No Myka. No Steven. Got in line behind cute guy I walked across the store to smile at earlier. Then saw sign saying the checkout line was closed. So I checked out with fat guy who got defensive when I asked him if he went to the gym. #43 home, right away.

July 12, 2019:  In ’til 12:30ish. Go to Rincon. Two skateboarders on K. Super Duper gives me regular meat patty instead of veggie patty. I eat it anyhow. Two hours at Rincon. M to Castro. Two guys smile at me on Castro. #35 to G.P. Angelique at C.B. I’m jealous of two other guys who talked with her for longer than I did. RHS her/me later. #23 home.

July 12 dream:  I say: “As president of the 8th grade class . . . “ I had just been elected.

July 12 dream:  Trying to get away from two guys who think my every spare moment belongs to them.

July 11, 2019:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Run into Peter (from June 14) at Ocean and Harold Avenues. Wish him well in China. Jordan at C.B. Walk to Mission. Stop at Muddy Waters Cafe. SFSU math student there. Then Bernie meeting at 7 p.m. I’m a little high since I bought (and consumed) CBD and THC gummies earlier on Mission. Lady from Manteca there. Also Jason. Ben. Claire. Cute guy who looked away when I looked at him. Was kind of high all evening. It was kind of fun. It’s been about 50 years since I got high. I think I like myself better high because I have the time to catch myself when I’m thinking some stupid thought. Two girls in front of me on #49 home. One was very rude acting. The other seemed to apologize to me when she got off at San Jose Avenue. Insight: Why I hate women: they took away the love of my father.

July 11 dream:  I can see my baby in a couple of days. Guy says: “You’ll never be the same.” Baby had lots of hair, like I did. I get CD off to lawyer friend as I said I would. Ask him if he wants me to find a sleeve for it.

July 11 dream:  Finishing up a test. Have a question about one of the questions. Decide not to ask teacher about it.

July 10, 2019:  101 with John F. and “Bernie.” Wait at 19th & Castro for #35 to G.P. See “Imperfect” on the way. Black street person on Diamond calls me aside and asks me about black woman candidate. I say that Kamala is not our friend. Zeph and May at C.B. Guy standing outside smoking in front of his cafe near Railroad Expresso on Monterey. When I decided to walk towards him, guy from Railroad Expresso came out and talked to me and “Bernie.” Then Jesse and I started talking. (*Relates to the “Imperfect” on the way?) #43 home. BB daily update. Take nap.

July 10 dream:  Blond guy I liked came over to my parents home. I talked to him about what he’s been doing lately.

July 10 dream:  Nonobservant Jewish woman arrests other woman for being from an alien place.

July 10 dream:  Move from temp to permanent job. Also from 7th floor to 28th floor. It’s very high up. Water below. I”m in my underwear. There is a cat in my office/cubicle. I don’t know what kind of work I’m supposed to be doing. The building shakes a lot. Everyone is asked to come to the elevator area.

July 10 dream:  My parents have a new baby. He is only a few inches tall. I pick him up. Kiss him. Smile at him. Hope my parents don’t fuck him up too much. We are in the back of a bus.

July 9, 2019:  Wake up after hard night of RHSing my father. Page Publishing called. Then I looked them up on Yelp! There were not liked. Table for Bernie from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. with Patrick at CCSF. Stunning white athlete walks by with two black friends. Dakota stops by. Take nap after. Then walk to Mt.D. and back.

July 9 dream:  Rushing to get diary and something else caught up.

July 9 dream:  At a Thane-taped class on astrology, somebody brought in an old ’30s-type bus to get us started. I was the tape monitor but I think they were willing to start without me.

July 9 dream:  Dancer and me and other guy gets hired.

July 8, 2019:  Email from William Fennie made me feel good, in spite of myself. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. She asks me if my day has been productive. I tell her about my book. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawks screaming at each other. One sitting on a tree. Walk to Mt.D. Then W.F. guy cuts in front of me in line, so I bought Vietnamese coffee which I knew would trigger my pelvic pain. Read from notes on frequent nonphysical causes of physical symptoms: “Emotions that are present in our system but not recognized and/or expressed by us.” Relates very much to me and my father. Shits at 8pm-ish.

July 7, 2019:  Post “Carl Jung and the Psychology of the Man-Child” on BB. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See Walter outside C.B. Then Zeph at C.B. Also Joe from CCSF French class sitting next to me with his boyfriend. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. to #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Living arrangements (including one’s liver) may depend on satisfying complex constraints. My conclusion: Truth is the uninhibited, permissive, unilateral, persistent combination of everything, dependent only on Itself. AT&T goes dark about 12:30 a.m.

July 7 dream:  Finishing up a test in someone’s living room. Woman from UC wants me to fill out invitation forms to about six people.

July 7 dream:  The assignment due was postponed due to weather.

July 7 dream:  Have new roommate who’s very non-communicative. Then he moves us to a different apt. I don’t know where most of my things are. Then I get stuck on a rack of bras and panties. Then a department full of well-dressed, well-groomed male models, mostly Asian. One offers to fit me with a new pair of pants.

July 7 dream:  Get dressed up in fancy outfit. Go to mall. Run into Calvin and girl who admires me. Then meet young guy who tells me about computer-speak.

July 6, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Worked on Chapter 12 of “My Soul Mates.” Walk to G.P. Angelique at C.B. She asks me about my 4th of July. I ask about hers. She went to Santa Cruz, she said, and stayed ’til about midnight. When I left, I noticed that she had taken off her jacket. As I noticed this, I tripped over my chair. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) Walk thru G.C.P. Hear hawk. See him/her briefly. Mt.D. Steven at Safeway. Watching The Guardian in p.m. Killed my father in my head as character did on T.V. I didn’t care if there was no reason or no memory. It felt good.

July 6 dream:  Getting in line at Nancy’s shop. Grab a foreign newspaper to clean my hands. (h.o.)

July 6 dream:  Helping guy register for class. I choose several ALC (active learning class) classes.

July 6 dream:  Lawyer played by Jack Lemmon is arrested in murder/tax fraud case. He puts up a fight. Tries to down a bunch of raw eggs before. Turns into woman at his/her arrest.

July 5, 2019:  Getting ready to jerk off in a.m. Get anonymous call. (*Relates to hawk from hier?) In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. When I said good-bye, he wished me a good weekend. Hawk at G.C.P. Shitty smell on Mt.D. Two guys getting out of car on Bella Vista Way. One waved at me. Squirrel on Los Palmos Drive. Guy skipping with his pit bull on Monterey Boulevard. Guy in passing car honks at me. Meet Ryan at W.F. 7.1 earthquake in SoCal.

July 5 dream:  Thinking of moving back into Vantaggio Suites. See video of Steve Jobs and associate filmed there. Go up to room where there was supposed to be a fight. Woman manager talking about difference between sea hawks and sea hacks. Feel constipated.

July 5 dream:  In cafe/bookstore, J. and another cute guy walk in and sit down with each other. I am at table alone when they leave. Later I look at book I bought and it’s some out-of-date calendar. Walk on thru mall. See “Victory.” Then run into friend of mine attending conference. He introduces me all around.

July 4, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Saying good-bye to him, he kind of rushes towards me. I warn him off. Hawk at G.C.P. Cute tall blond guy walking down as I walk up. Good RHS of my father on this day of Independence. Then get on #43. Black guy blocks my entry. He wants me to give him $5 or $10 for lunch. I say: ‘No.” He backs down. W.F. and home.

July 4 dream:  Getting ready to leave. Lots of us, including dog who I really loved. Cool woman with vagina visible through her outfit. (h.o.)

July 4 dream:  Weird, strange guy who is staying with me for a while wants to copy my “Certificate of Death.”

July 4 dream:  On committee with George H.W. Bush, Gerald Ford and one other one-time Vice President. Then on TV show with Julia Louis-Dreyfus and two other women. One was about to be appointed president.

July 3, 2019:  101 with John F. After, go to Walgreens. Feel sort of “shitty.” Walk into WG. See guy out of the corner of my eye. Step over to get shopping basket. Realize he’s stepping in my way to get my attention. I continue to reach for the shopping basket but realize I’m making a mistake. Then he disappears. (*Relates to second dream of July 2?)  Max at Super Duper. He had burned his hand on Sunday. Two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. #35 to G.P. #23 to Foerster. Follow guy off to #43 on Gennessee. Cute Asian guy in muscle T-shirt on #43.

July 3 dream:  Visit weird guy who comes evil. He gives me something to eat in a paper bag as I leave. His living room is tilted. He implies that I’ll be back.

July 3 dream:  Trying to walk across a newly constructed freeway not quite finished. It’s just empty boxes on top of a superstructure. I get scared.

July 2, 2019:  12-2 p.m. tabling for Bernie at CCSF with Patrick. Then home ’til 4ish. Climb to Mt.D. and home.

July 2 dream:  Say goodbye to place I usually eat at. It’s my company’s last day and I have tomorrow off.

July 2 dream:  Getting ready to go someplace and do something. Stop by somebody’s house. Play with their dog who is a little less puppyish than last time.

July 1, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Rent. Bills. Monthly BB. Walk to G.P At Ocean and Lee cross on red light. Guy says: “It’s a red light.” Then see my W.F. friend from June 28. He enters Pakistani resto. I don’t since “It’s a red light.” I ask clerk at S.J. Avenue liquor store how his diet is going. He said he had a mercy meal recently. I said: “I thought you said ’emergency meal’.” That made him laugh. Jordan at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Feel fat. On #43 home guy drops $10 out of his pocket. I touch his arm and show him. He seemed a little off. Beautiful Asian woman sitting near him. See couple from apartment on top of me on way in. I increase my monthly contribution to Bernie from $50 to $100. In p.m., feel like crying but not quite. (*Relates to last dream of June 30, not yet paying my debts in full.) Insight: Hera is the goddess of marriage and hates infidelity. I identity with her ’cause I cannot allow myself any infidelity with my parents, mostly my father.

July 1 dream:  Injecting toy soldiers with something.

June 30, 2019:  Get up at 7:50 a.m. to go to Pride Parade by 9:15 a.m. Hoped and thought that I’d be late. The whole trip went very smoothly. Met some Bernie people on the way and arrived on time. Everybody loved “Bernie.” Marched down Market Street with Bernie contingent. But delay for almost an hour due to demonstrators from Google, I heard. Lots of people smiling at me ’cause of “Bernie.” Blond guy at Market/Van Ness Walgreens was one of them. Then M to Castro. More “Bernie” lovers. Get #35 at 19^th & Castro. Bus driver liked “Bernie.” Zeph at C.B. Then #23. Woman takes selfie with “Bernie.” Walk home. Take nap. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Perfectionism is a life-threatening denial of the perfection of totality. My conclusion: The body of Truth is a fait accompli, the irrepressible, infinite, uncritical, total, thorough, entire, safe Life Force Itself. Local news coverage of gay parade is all about Kamala. Makes me furious!

June 30 dream:  Am ready to pay all my debts, but haven’t been able to do it just yet.

June 29, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Korean liquor store clerk touches my arm when I ask him about his writing for the Korean Times. Then Zeph at C.B. Also “emergency shits” at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Take alternate trails. Mt.D. Safeway. No Myka. No Steven. #43 right away. Cute guy on bus gets off a stop early. Then walks to resto on Ocean. Get “Bernie” ready for his big day tomorrow.

June 29 dream:  Deja vu: I will not see J. at tomorrow’s parade.

June 29 dream:  Harriet is sitting next to Dad. She has her arm around him. When I sit to her right, she reaches out to me. I say: “Thank you.”

June 29 dream:  Guy accused me (wrongly) of stealing something from him.

June 28, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. On elevator down, meet pregnant couple. She says her due date is Sunday. I say: “Good luck.” Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. Trip but do not fall. Pass hot interracial couple kissing on the pathway. Mt.D. My W.F. friend again who ignores me again. (See diary of June 17.)

June 28 dream:  Being taken from a nice office to a dusty cab in South Central L.A. to do a job for somebody with a few others.

June 28 dream:  Going out with my small class of four guys to do something.

June 27, 2019:  Bernie tabling with Patrick at CCSF from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. Then go to Arizmendi. Pass Fred Cline holding court on 9th Avenue. Cute young black guy on N. Then black woman with visible cleavage sits next to him. She pulls up her blouse. He smiles. I smile. She smiles. Then to Peets Cole Valley. Then #37 to Castro. Wait for #35 at 19th and Castro. Cute guy on #35 in back seat. (*Relates to 2nd dream of June 24,  touching legs with Swedish guy.) On approach to #23 bus stop, guy smiles at me. Then pushes up against me as he exits. Then guy on #43 who got sexy with me.

June 27 dream:  Guy in black speedo and dark hair. Later I see him again. Then getting off work with latex gloves on. Woman asks me out. At work, finding pile of video IDs.

June 26, 2019:  Go to 101 at 11:30 a.m. It’s too misty for our literature so John F. and I eat at Rincon. John tells me of the death of his friend (and mine) Brian. Then I stay on for two hours or so. Take F to Castro. Rink (photographer at S.F. Bay Times) stops by to talk to me at 19th and Castro. While he’s talking to me, cute guy in sleeveless shirt hangs around, lifts up his shirt a couple of times and smiles at me as he leaves. Rink talks on. By the time Rink is finished, my sleeveless friend is gone as well. #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. He tells me about his Vegita anime watch. #23 and walk home.

June 26 dream:  I am helping with the Democratic debate and I have a huge hard-on. (h.o.)

June 26 dream:  Pencil eraser gets caught in machine. Gums up the works.

June 25, 2019;  In ’til 3ish. Finish Chapter 5. Walk to G.P. Hear: “I can go anyplace and I’ll be employed.” See Ryan Lam at CCSF (from the back). Zeph at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. then Mt.D. Then #43 to W.F. Cute sweet barista there. Also cute gay guy I’ve seen a few times before, who smiles at me.

June 25 dream:  Running to get to 22nd Street, trying to get away from black friend of mine. Make it there. Call 911. My friends arrive. There is a roomful of people in party hats, etc.

June 25 dream:  Find out I win house in Chicago. Then find out two other people won homes on same street but with different addresses.

June 25 dream:  Everyone with a car in our building was in the courtyard getting their cars to go to work.

June 24, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Angelique (nee Fashion Designer barrista) at C.B. She told me she liked my websites. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Think I should go to W.F. though I don’t really want to. So I do. Run into W.F. guy from June 17. He ignored me. Then go to W.F. cafe. Beautiful blackish guy with long Afro. Also cute sweet barista who knew my order by heart.

June 24 dream:  Living with cute guy among others, looking for something to eat. I take something to eat that isn’t mine. Then put it back. (h.o.)

June 24 dream:  Sit next to Swedish guy at back of bus. Our legs touch. Feel uneasy, like  I’m supposed to do something. Then other Swedish guy comes along and we start talking. Some other friends are planning something for us in a back room.

June 23, 2019:  H.W. Meeting at 9am online. Then 12:30 – 4:00 p.m. tabling for Bernie in front of the Castro Theatre. Guy on K on the way with his music case. He picks up “Bernie” when the wind knocks him over. Guy on his way to bare-chest contest came on to me briefly on Castro. Made me feel very excited (*Relates to hawk in tree and woman from hier at G.C.P.) I would have followed him anywhere. Take M. to W.P. Stop at Peets. Every body loves “Bernie” and me. See same guy from K who picked up “Bernie.” He and friend were playing trumpet duet in front of Chase Bank on West Portal. Cute guy on Ocean who wanted to go to 7-11 but his partner walked on. I said to him: “I thought you were going to the 7-11.” He says: “i wanted to.” Then I said: “You still can.” Cute sweet barista at W.F. cafe. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Bully diplomacy and unstable characters can lead to an explosive conflict. My conclusion: Truth is dominion, orthodoxy (right thinking), solid, safe supervision of all-inclusive infinitely domestic policy. Truth is the sound of one hand clapping, with feelings only for Itself.

June 23 dream:  Little boy asks me excitedly: “Where do we cut the chord?” I say: “I don’t know what that means: ‘cut the chord.’” Then someone else points out this drive-thru spot where we cut the chord.

June 23 dream:  People summing up what we learned in our workshop.

June 23 dream:  Slip and fall in my dream.

June 22, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. Hawk at G.C.P. flies onto nearby tree branch. At same time, fat woman on nearby hill stands still and then turns around. On to Mt.D. Run into Nick on way down. He didn’t remember me. (*See diary from May 12.) Insight: Adrenal glands are right above the kidneys where my pain often originates. Insight: I just pretend I’m there. I’m not really ’cause I can’t trust this man (my father).

June 22 dream:  School is closing down. Last files are being packed. There may be a small payment for the last few days.

June 22 dream:  Dream I’m about to go to sleep. Ask black woman (London Breed?) to keep a door open for me while I go to the bathroom.

June 22 dream:  Cleaning up after very funny, big picnic. Wonderful breads, etc. Harriet said we could have some. Earlier Harriet comments about how well Laurie did in our group discussion. And I said: “And I kept saying: What did you say?”

June 22 dream:  I join chorus in show rehearsal saying: “I belong to a union and everything about it is grand.”

June 22 dream:  Dream I’m playing basketball and I have a fat stomach. It’s Perry Dickey’s birthday which means it’s also around my birthday.

June 21, 2019:  Walk to G.P. Run into Patrick from Berniecrats on the way. Liquor store owner at Diamond & Bosworth shares with me the articles on music he wrote for Korea Times. Fashion designer barista at C.B. She asks me what I do. I share my websites info with her. Walk thru G.C.P. Discover alternate path. Then to Mt.D. #43 home. Big, beautiful guy in center seat of back row.

June 21 dream:  Knife sharpened at new job in State of Washington. Wished I was at OSU. Tomorrow we start work.

June 21 dream:  See Pat Hartman and William Fennie and other Prospero at hotel. They don’t recognize me. William thinks I’m trying to come on to him. See Trump on the way trying to help some homeless people in the street. I think: He’s going to get re-elected.

June 21 dream:  Trying to find ignition to put key in to get car started. Then wake up.

June 20, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan at G.P. Walk to G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Then W.F. Cute, sweet barista at W.F. cafe.

June 20 dream:  Eating at Peruvian embassy. My friends anxious to see me. I think: We should have invited Trump as well since he’s also president of Peru.

June 20 dream:  I return home. There’s been an accident at the pool. The police are there.

June 20 dream:  On fast train on California coast. Black woman conductor. She’s talking and runs over guy without ever knowing it. Then she lays out maps of all the places in Europe to go on train.

June 19, 2019:  101 with John F. Pretty good day. Then 2-1/2 hours at Rincon. F to Castro. Long wait for #35 so I follow cute purple-haired guy down Castro. He stops at Castro Theatre. We talk briefly. He’s from Melbourne, Australia. His name is Casey. #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Cute Asian guy greets me as I enter doorway. BART and #29 home. Insight: I found myself welcoming back my body pain. It was better than last night when I felt I was wasting my life.

June 19 dream:  After guy talks about drug(?) for about an hour, we give him the rest of it.

June 19 dream:  Chasing beautiful guy, finally catch up to him and he’s a block away. Woman who is royalty wants her children exposed to him.

June 18, 2019:  In ’til noon. 12-2 Bernie tabling at CCSF with Patrick. Then cute new guy at W.F. cafe. I had “Bernie” with me and joked that I’d like a chocolate croissant and “Bernie” would like a medium soy latte. Then home ’til about 4p.m. See “Transition Point” at local copy shop. Climb to Mt.D. and back. Overcast day ’til I got to peak of Mt.D.

June 18 dream:  In NY without work. Go to lecture at church. Woman next to me is very nice ’til lecture is over.

June 18 dream:  Trying to get help. I need more gas. Think Heather is the one to help me.

June 17, 2019:  Email from Heather relates to skunk on June 15? Work on My Soul Mates. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Fashion designer barista there. Crowded. Walk to G.C.P. Emergency shits at G.C.P. On to Mt.D. Pee on MtD. Slip and fall on way down Mt.D. Walk to W.F. Cute juice guy who helped me find low sugar fruit drink. He’s someone I had made contact with many months ago.

June 17 dream:  Am in the military for a short time. Ordered to drop to the ground, but  I’m smiling.

June 17 dream:  Go to apartment showing. Hard climb to get there. It’s a big two bedroom place in a beautiful neighborhood of SF. Owner says he is asking $900 per month. I change my mood about then. I think it’s on Robinhood Way.

June 17 dream:  It’s 10:30 a.m. It’s still dark. The lights are on at SF City Hall. I want to take a photo. Then Nancy and Laurie come up back stairs I never knew were there. They looked really great. The had been dancing all night. I asked them why it was dark at 10:30 a.m. Then it was light. Later I got in argument with homeless man who wants my scissors and my keys.

June 16, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Feel a little “shitty.” Decide to go home. Listen to Aretha Franklin’s Amazing Grace CD. Call just before Translation group. (*Relates to red-tailed hawk from hier?) Translation group at 7 p.m. Sense testimony: People are improvident in seeing only their own needs and not the needs of others. My conclusion: Truth is all one indivisible being/consciousness with infinite foresight, infinite forethought and infinite provision. Surprise feeling: Me feeling defensive of my mother when Melissa asked about her.

June 16 dream:  Seminar is over. People are going home. I stay seated ’cause I want to talk to cute guy sitting next to me.

June 16 dream:  Inside of factory is painted yellow with brown trim. I draw an “I” so I get some kind of gift.

June 16 dream:  About to ask female cashier out. [Then phone rings.]

June 15, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Very crowded. Very hot inside. Cute Japanese guy. Walk thru G.C.P. Red-tailed hawk at end of park. Cyclist on Evelyn Way. Skunk on way down Mt.D. Myka at Safeway.

June 15 dream:  Mouse was bigger than me and cleaner and smarter and trying to make up for it to me.

June 15 dream:  Crazy wild family. Beautiful naked woman with hardly any breasts. Later naked skateboarder injured his wrist and hurt somebody else’s leg in his rush out. Woman of the house gives him a towel. Ends with someone coming in saying someone new is coming. Somebody really sick.

June 15 dream:  Wash shit off my feet. March around garden. Then enter church where Sunday Meeting is about to take place. Not very many people there.

June 15 dream:  Left-over document.

June 14, 2019:  In ’til 2ish. Go to CCSF with “Bernie” and Patrick. It’s very cold and windy. We last about an hour. Then I did some more work at home. Went to the library. It was so cold and windy I decided not to walk to G.P., Mt.D., etc. Went into W.F. Ran into Billie Joe. He invited me to his table. I met Warren and Peter, fellow student and former teacher, respectively. Then walked home with Peter who invited me in. We talked about an hour. He’s thinking of going to China on a 2-year math teaching assignment.

June 14 dream:  Parents(?) trick me into not waking up ’til midnight when the festivities start in the annual event.

June 14 dream:  Bill Floyd and Patricia Rohmer have sex during a workshop. Then they come back. Patricia wants us to move meeting to her place. I say no.  (*Relates to viewing The Guardian DVD on June 15 in which two hot actors inevitably have sex, and my reaction to it.)

June 13, 2019:  In ’til 2ish. BART over to Elmwood Theater in Berkeley to see Amazing Grace featuring Aretha Franklin visiting church in South Central L.A. in the ’70s. (Guy on BART on the way over. I kind of danced to be near him as he and I both exited at Ashby Station.) One other old white lady in the theater with me. Was so moved by Aretha’s singing of Amazing Grace. Seeing all those beautiful black faces back in ’72 when I was still living in L.A. (*Relates to broken water faucet from hier? The water just wouldn’t stop.) Mick Jagger was sitting in the back of the church. Go for latte on Ocean Avenue after. Cute delivery guy on Ocean. Then Asian guy on BART on way home. Then blond guy with rental guide. I asked him “Are those East Bay listings?” He said: “No. City listings.” I said: “Good luck.” He smiled a beautiful blond-haired white-toothed smile. Totally undid me.

June 13 dream:  There was just Nancy, Laurie and me left in the house. I was to be made the honorary father. Drinking the last of the O.J. even though it’s supposed to be bad for you.

June 13 dream:  Family visit to place where Harriet and my father also live. In fact, that’s their place. In fact, that’s them lying out in the sun. I told Tom: “You go ahead without me.” He joins me a few moments later. Then Tom and I and other guy and gal were on top of balancing toy.

June 12, 2019:  101 with John F. Pretty interesting day. Max on my way out of  Super Duper. Then Rincon for two hours or so. Take F to Castro. Woman in back asks 3 or 4 of us what our super power would be. I said, “Going into my unconscious and finding out everything that’s down there.” Cute guy on F gets off at Sanchez. I follow him of at Noe. Follow him down Castro Street. Lose him at 18th Street. Run into Jim Boeger. Catch #35 at 19th Street. Cute well-dressed black guy gets off after rubbing past me. Decide not to go to C.B. Cute guy at Diamond and Bosworth. Catch #36. Cute skateboarder on #36. Stop by June’s salon. He told me about his trip to N.Y. Also that he may enroll in school in N.Y.C. See Jessie at Expresso Cafe. He said his “indoor cat” had run off. Asked me if I’d seen his cat. I said: “I saw a coyote hier.” #43 home. Cute skateboarder at Unity Plaza. Cute barista at W.F. Go home. Then go to library. Follow well-built Asian guy in tight white dress shirt into Japanese resto on Ocean. I stand behind him in line. Ask him about what mochi is. He and cashier try to explain to me. As I leave, guy on street smiles at me. On elevator home, guy gives me one of his chocolate croissants.

June 12 dream:  Hard-on dream about writing something.

June 11, 2019:  Worked on Chapter 2 of My Soul Mates. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Big barista at C.B Not quite as hot today. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Walking down Lulu Alley, young coyote at bottom of hill looks back at me. I follow him/her down Melrose for a block. Me and other woman take photos. Second woman drives by and we talk about coyote. Get home. Take shower. The faucet breaks and I can’t stop the water. Had to call emergency repair service.

June 10, 2019:  Very hot day. In ’til 1ish. Go to CCSF to hand out Bernie literature with Patrick. We take off early ’cause it’s so hot. Take nap. Walk to Mt.D. W.F. Home. Watch John Adams in p.m.

June 10 dream:  See Eliot Derzaph at Prosperos assembly. He’s very young and cute. He says to me: “Hi, babe.” Then he starts talking to Heather Williams.

June 10 dream:  “Oko Kyo.” Japanese boy band which will get you any place you want to be on time.

June 10 dream:  Violence at work is stopped by fellow worker. I join in the tears afterwards, and I don’t even speak their language.

June 9, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Hot, nice day. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Climb up dirt path on Mt.D. which was too steep and slippery, but I made it. RHS of my father. Realized, even though I got upset with him for violating my trust, I knew at some level that my trust was misplaced. Same with J. At some level, even though I would have liked to have been in an honest relationship with him, that he was never going to be able to do that. See “All Free” sign on Ridgewood on my way home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Hunger for authority can lead to investing it into false representations. My conclusion: Truth is satiation. Truth is enough. Truth is full. Truth invests in Itself, culminates in Itself, represents Itself eternally, with open eyes and open heart. Memory: I remember that in my brief train trip to London while I was staying in Paris for 30 days in 2015, I not only left London after only a few hours, I paid some 200 euros to leave two hours earlier than I had scheduled. I must have really wanted to get out of there.

June 9 dream:  Recurring location in dream is Muni-operated. I’m supposed to bring back evidence at a contest with Muni. I like the two women there. One of the women and I talk briefly. I’m in a hurry. She’s also in a hurry.

June 8, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. to Safeway. Steven there. Also Myka. Speak with Myka for first time in two weeks on the way out. #43 due in 46 minutes, so me and two huge grocery bags walk home. RHS myself for always taking the blame for everything.

June 8 dream:  Spent first night at beautiful grand building in foreign country at Prosperos event. I was so tired that I slept thru the day and woke up at night. Some woman there said, “It’s date night.”

June 8 dream:  Go to another Prosperos event at another hotel. Try to kiss girl who I knew liked me. She backs away. Try to walk out of resto but my hands are full of sandwich and I can’t get out door. Waitress tries to help me.

June 7, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph there. Feel kind of “shitty.” Decide not to walk up to Mt.D. Go home instead. Have “emergency shits” at MUB (Multi-Use Building). Start work on revision of my book My Soul Mates. Get thru Chapter 1. Realized hier or so that I don’t have to answer my phone calls unless I know who is calling.

June 7 dream:  Saying goodbye to counselor I had been living with. I still had to pick up some clothes and pots and pans. He mentioned he had some letters for me.

June 6, 2019:  Two one-ring calls about 2:15 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Go to Arizmendi Bakery. Cute Asian guy walking down 9th Avenue and up Irving Street. Go to Peets Cole Valley. Berniecrats in p.m. Meet Michelle from Manteca. See Patrick, Ben, Clair, Jason, Laksh. John F. didn’t make it. Go home via #37 and catch the K at Castro Station.

June 6 dream:  Ear is broken off icon. Pipe full of various ball-shaped objects which might heal it.

June 6 dream:  I am at Prosperos event. Beth Kuper and Barbara Baroe are there, a little drunk. Later Beth calls me there after she had left. We meet outside. She invites me to pizza sometime.

June 6 dream:  My desk gets moved at work. I’m sitting near Indian woman. She has an Indian LP record. I look it over and ask which is a good song to listen to. She says the first one.

June 5, 2019:  101 with J.F. Hard day for me. 1-1/2 to 2 hours at Rincon. Then wait for F. Big breasted woman with low-cut blouse. I exchange glances with guy who was also looking. Take F to Castro. “Crazy” lady on board says: “So that’s how it ends.” Woman smiles at me on my way up Castro to 19th Street to wait for #35. Go to G.P. Big barista at C.B. Meet cute friendly guy who worked for a non-profit in Saigon, having to do with autistic children. Now he works for META in the city. BART to Balboa. K to W.F. and home. Anonymous call at about 8:50 p.m.

June 5 dream:  Someone misusing authority.

June 5 dream:  Bring pastries to shop. Wasn’t sure whether I was supposed to buy more or leave them there, so I started to call person who sent me. Couldn’t find her number. Tom C. walks in.

June 4, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Two Brinks trucks on way. Big barista at C.B. Hot guy comes in. Stands in front of my table. I cruise him up and down. He leaves. Then another cute-in-a-different-way guy comes in. I walk to G.C.P. Hot guy in shorts with long hair. On to Mt.D. Sweet boy and his dog sitting on top, enjoying the view. Stop by W.F. Beautiful woman holds the door open for me. Call in p.m. from some police group, asking for John. RHS William F. Realize his above-it-all mentality is a reflection of my own above-it-all mentality.

June 4 dream:  My father and I sharing some pun-like joke nobody else gets.

June 4 dream:  Trying to get my in-car email going when I see a whole bunch of Mercedes police cars. I run into one of them. Carol Carter in the car with me, saying she hates email. I say: “You hate if ’cause you don’t use it, or vice versa.” Carol had just returned to Santa Monica.

June 3, 2019:  Arrogant email from William F. pissed me off all morning. In ’til 3ish. Talk with Henry briefly at library. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. After, follow cute ass up Diamond Street. This leads me to free library where I “checked out” book called Life Before Life. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mollie Stones at Portola. Get some fruit there. Then on to Mt.D. and home.

June 3 dream:  Trying to follow complicated instructions but run out of glasses and all sorts of other stuff.

June 3 dream:  Playing catch in a circle in Paris. Rule was you didn’t have to try to catch a ball even thought it was thrown to you.

June 3 dream:  Someone asks me why my generation goes for Trump.

June 3 dream:  Something about a Susan Sarandon doll taking on another doll. And a box of Tom Oberhaus’s old papers.

June 2, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. Wishbone shaped stick on sidewalk. I walk over it and it breaks. I don’t get the wish. Hawk at G.C.P. On to Mt.D. and home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Feeling unwelcome and unsafe and unable and without help may lead to suicide as the only way to end unbearable mental and emotional suffering. My conclusion: All is acceptable/welcome, safe/uninjured, able/handy, fixed/unbroken, Truth culminating in Truth, I experiencing mental and emotional pleasure, Mind exciting the Universe. Insight response to my father: “No, I don’t have to hit you in order to stand up to you.” Rough night last night.

June 2 dream:  I’m horseback riding again for first time in long time. Will spend week at camp. Enjoyed it more than I thought.

June 2 dream:  Something about MLK being born.

June 2 dream:  Something about finishing up deal with the authorities. We sit in resto near a pay phone in case a call comes in. Payments are made.

June 1, 2019:  Worked on BB and bills. In ’til 2:45ish. Walk to G.P. Cold day. Owners at C.B. When I leave, I run in to two black guys, both very beautiful, both very happy with each other. I make a point of turning around and looking at them. They smile back. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Then Safeway. Steven there. Myka not. As I check out, Steven shelving items nearby within earshot. I am tempted to ask about Myka, but instead say to my checker: “Do you think the Warriors are going to win on Sunday?” He said he didn’t know. Quote that resonated with me: “San Francisco is a golden handcuff with the key thrown away” by John Steinbeck.

June 1 dream:  Evacuating street car on Castro Street in an apparent emergency.

May 31, 2019:  Anonymous call about 9:20 a.m. Neither of us said anything. Then two cell calls which were only one or two rings. In ’til 12:30ish. Go to Rincon. Three very interesting guys on Muni on the way. Cute guy at newspaper store. Max at Super Duper. Two hours at Rincon. See very brief notification on my phone that Bernie is in favor of impeachment. (*Relates to last dream of May 30?) F to Castro. Bump my head on the way out. Stop in 440 Club on Castro briefly. (*Relates to coyotes howling from hier?) #35 to G.P. Zeph at C.B. BART to Balboa. Brayden at W.F. Other cute guy in W.F. deli. Then same guy in W.F. cafe. Insight: Eating independently relates to pelvic pain when I eat certain foods.

May 31 dream:  Nixon is president. I’m trying to impress AOC.

May 31 dream:  Tom C., me and other person were going to try out for a play. Tom said acting is a good way to exorcise the character you are playing. I said: “Well, you’re just going to play a good-looking, athletic dufus. So you are type-casting.” Then I thought exactly. That’s a good way to exorcise that role from your psyche. Like an RHS. Thane dropped something off and left. I thought: We take him too much for granted. What if he died? Then I thought: He made me feel well-loved.

May 31 dream:  Mom, Dad, Laurie and I driving thru S.F. We drive up steep hill to Franklin Street. Brush up against a pedestrian. He doesn’t seem to mind. We stop and at store and lose track of some of our group. Woman says she spend the night with sailors at Lo Que Jest.

May 30, 2019:  Single ring call at 6 a.m.-ish. Then anonymous call at 9:20 a.m. He says nothing. I say: “Is that the best you can do?” In ’til 2:45ish. See Henry at library. I think I got him in trouble for talking to me. His supervisor came over and said to me: “Can I help you?” Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Crossword puzzle clue: “Lacked the courage to.” I spent about a half hour thinking it referred to me. Then finally settled on the idea that it was referring to J. Walking thru G.C.P. Siren drove by on Portola, followed by what sounded like 10-12 coyotes howling. Walk to Mt.D. See dark form at bottom of path, which rushed for cover.

May 30 dream:  I’m reading from quote to three others in class. Can’t find the source of the quote.

May 30 dream:  Trying to record something. It’s not working. Try regular ten and like it. Say: “I’ll be peeing a lot tonight.”

May 30 dream:  Decide to register for city college class after all. Must retrieve my wallet from a locker.

May 30 dream:  Al H. to have press conference.

May 29, 2019:  101 with J.F. Guy comes up to me and asks for directions to Harrison Street. See my 101 Asian friend as #38 takes off from Market. Then “crazy” guy on #38 yells: “John, Mike . . .” Go to Quetzal to wait for dental appointment at 3:45 p.m. Feel “shittier” and “shittier.” Cute Asian guy on the way with his two cute dogs each with four booties on to protect them from cut glass, etc. After appointment, take F to Castro. Then catch #35. Cute guy sitting across from me. Then Zeph at C.B. Then take BART from G.P. to Balboa Park. Woman smiles at me as she exits. I smile at cute guy as I exit. Followed cute guy into W.F. Then lose him. Then find me again at W.F. cafe. He touches his ass. I sit down for a while, then leave. Woman smiles at me and holds the door open as I enter my apartment building. Hear about woman on rampage with car in downtown S.F., on the news.

May 29 dream:  I borrow some matches from some guy.

May 29 dream:  Talk to Barry Bram on phone.

May 29 dream:  Offer to use my house as a local Prosperos center.

May 29 dream:  Going out to sea in Navy ship. Big industrial fan is knocked into the water. We almost run into it.

May 29 dream:  Actress in “Once Upon a Time.” I finish glass and look through bottom of it.

May 29 dream:  Billye Talmadge and/or other woman teacher giving long talk on drive home after class. I think we have recorded it.

May 28, 2019:  In ’til 2ish. Walk to Jun’s hair salon on Monterey. He tells me he’s going to New York for a week on June 1 with his wife. He says: “Do you want to go along?” I don’t really answer. Then he said he and his wife would be going to China for 30 days in September. He invited me along there as well. I agreed to go. He said there are a lot of cheap hotels, like $20 a night. And he could set me up a masseuse who could give me a “happy ending.” That cracked me up. I really fell in love with Jun (again). Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. I notice his hair cut. He didn’t notice mine. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk and crow towards end of park. Then hawk alone. Anonymous call at 6:10 p.m. Walk into spider web at home. Another anonymous call at 7:55 p.m.

May 28 dream:  Joe Biden is fading fast. (h.o.)

May 28 dream:  Make 2 or 3 appointments at same time with Bay Guardian and other appointments. The B.G. Is late.

May 28 dream:  $30,000 for used car. That’s his selling price and my buying price.

May 28 dream:  Calvin and friend rushing past me at hors d’oeuvres tray at funny party.

May 27, 2019:  Memorial Day! [sarcastic exclamation point]. Feel sad all day. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Forgot my unlearn you pain book. Very crowded. Leave early. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Mouse, then hawk, then cute guy smiles at me on Mt.D. Shits when I get home.

May 27 dream:  Looking up astrological events in the Koch brothers lives.

May 26, 2019:  High Watch meeting this a.m. at 9.  I woke up at 6:30 a.m. and couldn’t go back to sleep.  I was very nervous about the meeting.  Bring up my opinion that the dean of The Prosperos should not be in that position for life. That perhaps there should be a rotation. Took nap immediately after meeting. In ’til 3ish. Get “perfect” on walk to G.P. Fashion designer barista at C.B. Guy in line behind me a little too close. So I turn around. He’s very cute, so I don’t mind. Notice he’s wearing a “Jesus Christ Superstar” shirt. I ask him whether he was in the show. He says: “No, but my partner was.” He says: “Do you like it?” I say: “Yes, In fact, I tried out for a part when I lived in L.A.” Walk up O’Shaughnessy to Mt.D. Mouse on Mt.D. Also black form rushes towards my legs. #43 bus stops one stop before my stop and just holds there for several minutes with its doors open. I take that as a sign that I should get off, so I do and run into cute, interesting guy on Frida Kahlo Way. See Henry from library at W.F. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Evolution requires divisions between winners and losers. My conclusion: Truth is a self-made individual, fully evolved and joined together, inevitably findable, always winning by default.

May 26 dream:  Am returning big semi truck to Sen Fernando Valley. It won’t brake. Finally get guy to help me. He’s overly helpful.

May 25, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Thinking about owner’s son at Wilbur Hot Springs from the late ’80s and how I would respond to his taking off his clothes and joining everyone in the hot tub. I would join him/them with my unashamed hard-on in full glory. Got very excited about The Prosperos assembly theme idea: “The Coming Transformation from Humanity to Consciousness.” Then I thought why not have a Syncon-type event? Divide the assembly into 3 or so groups. Each group would answer: What is being done in the world? What am I doing? What is The Prosperos doing? What else can I do? What else can The Prosperos do? Fashion designer barista at C.B. She has a diamond stud on her upper lip. I say: “I think you’ve got something on your lip.” She didn’t think it was as funny as I did. Also, very cute guy I admired as he left. Walked to G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Then Safeway. Myka was sitting on the outside bench. I really didn’t want to talk to him and I was right. As I approached him, he said he was texting some friends. So I passed on. Later I check out in his aisle. Tried to act like I wasn’t offended, but I was. (*Relates to bumping my head on May 23 at G.C.P.) Later, in RHSing, I realized that being smart was all I had to hang on to, or so I thought at one point in my life. So I could understand Myka and myself a bit better.

May 25 dream:  Looking for change so I can buy some food at a party. Girl there asks if I’d like to hear my T-shirt. I say: “Sure.”

May 25 dream:  My roommate asked me to leave because of, you know, the scent of my tattoos. I asked him if he minded if I looked up something on the internet. He said: “Never mind. You are staying.” Then he danced around a bit. Then there were police outside. I said: “What’s wrong?”

May 24, 2019:  Thought: Maybe I don’t want to be successful for fear my parents might try to take credit for it. In ’til 1:30ish. Go downtown to Rincon. See Ed on my way out of Super Duper. About two hours at Rincon. F to Castro. Earn red nose for charity from cute guy at Castro Walgreens. Get #35 at Castro & 18th. Go to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Get anonymous call there at about 5 p.m. (*Relates to mouse hier at G.C.P. about the same time?) Briefly talk with my Sudoku friend instead of Jordan. #36 and #43 home. Follow Isaiah at W.F. until I finally realized who he was. He called me, “Sir.”

May 24 dream:  Two guys wrestling over naming something. (h.o.)

May 24 dream:  An entity stronger than me sometimes comes out of me to fight my enemies.

May 24 dream:  Trying to put all the furniture back where it was after a big event. Norma’s couch, questions, etc.

May 24 dream:  At bus terminal-type place, parents and dog lay down on he ground. Then little girl hugs her dog, then her mother, then her father.

May 24, 2019:  Went over to Avalon office this a.m. Office manager confirmed that they had my BMR application. I asked for an apology for the “hell I went through.” She said she’d give me a day of free rent.

May 23, 2019:  Bernie tabling at CCSF with Patrick. Only stay ½ hour. Not many people there. In ’til 2:30ish. Get note from Avalon that they did not receive my BMR lease renewal which I submitted on May 14. While reading unlearn your pain at C.B., realized Avalon was playing the role of my parents after my father’s remarriage. They were actually in the wrong, but were gas-lighting me for being the problem. Jordan at C.B. Walk thru C.G.P. Bump my head on tree branch I walk under almost every day. See mouse towards Portola Drive. At Portola commercial area one guy chasing another around corner. Third guy says: “Why are you chasing him?” Guy says: “I don’t know.” Go to Avalon office to get back the letter they put under my door this a.m. Atmosphere was icy. Horrible night of sleep. I was so angry I just couldn’t contain it. Tried to relate my anger towards Avalon to other aspects of my family history with some success.

May 23 dream:  Trying to get away from family reunion without saying goodbye to everyone.

May 22, 2019:  101 with J.F. from 11:30-1:30. Really good day. Then rush home to get “Bernie” and return to Castro Farmer’s Market from 4-6. (See Henry in front of Ingleside library.) Four of us there. Probably one too many. People loved “Bernie.” Took K home. Run into Dakota at the Castro Street station and rode with him all the way home. A female Bernie supporter joined us, who was on her way to yoga class. When I get home, blank message from 11:13 a.m. Email Richard H. about our “revered” leader in The Prosperos. (*Relates to crying boy at G.C.P. from May 20?)

May 22 dream:  Pay $6 for very small orange drink. Even the waitress thinks it’s too small. Take book How to Write a Gay Musical from the side of the road. See woman friend who recommends going to cathedral. So I do. I’m looking for the Fife section. Lots of people I know there. Billye T., etc. Teachers. We tell them they’re sitting in the wrong section. So they all get up. There’s not much room in the Fife section. Somebody warns us off: “Get out of here.”

May 21, 2019:  Anonymous call at 2ish. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Fashion barista at C.B. She’s studying Spanish book. She says she’s Mexican but doesn’t know Spanish very well. She looked very nice. I felt I should be hitting on her. Or at least that she expected me to. Read more from Unlearn Your Pain. Then RHSed my father thru G.C.P. and Mt.D. Realized I always blamed myself as a way to make my father even madder. So I’d be the one in control. Running woman at Mt.D. smiled at me. Same as women from hier? #36 arrives as I do at foot of Mt.D. I take it to Foerster and Monterey. Guy with huge eyelashes at Foerster and Monterey bus stop. #43 to W.F. Meet Brayton(?) at W.F.

May 21 dream:  Rotating drinking(?)

May 21 dream:  Working on something when boss asks me into her office.

May 20, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Owner at C.B. Fire/police on Chenery on way to G.C.P. Distant hawk at G.C.P. Then little boy walking alone. One woman tries to talk to hm. Then I approach him. He’s crying and I couldn’t understand what he was saying. I ask him if he’s lost. I offered to walk him back to the entrance to the park. Then another woman comes along. Very wiry. Hair tied back. She says to the boy: “I’m a teacher. I deal with these situations all the time. Do you want me to walk you back?” So off they go. I head on to Mt.D. Woman approaches me from behind and asks if she can pass. I am startled. I say: “I knew I heard voices, but this is ridiculous.” She put her arm on my shoulder as she passed. French couple on way in. Two calls last nite from alleged political survey company. (*Relates to mouse at G.C.P. hier?)

May 20 dream:  Dream I’m sleeping but afraid a mouse will get into my ears. So I wake up.

May 20 dream:  I took someone to Duggan Funeral Home in the Castro. The rain is coming down so hard that all the lost gay boys have come thru the windows to our apartment. And we’re having a party. (h.o.)

May 20 dream:  Nancy Lee wants to go to old Christian Science house with only me on Thursday. I said: “ I thought a whole bunch of us were going to go.” ‘Cause a guy and a gal from work also wanted to go with me. Nannie there.

May 20 dream:  Michael K. is diagnosed with AIDS. We try to calm him down about it.

May 20 dream:  “A person who is 70 is supposed to change all his ways.”

May 20 dream:  I have crush on black male teacher. We touch the backs of our hands together in front of class. I am looking for paper for writing assignment. Leave classroom looking for paper. When I come back the class is over. I may have passed by guy I liked on the way back in.

May 19, 2019:  Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. with Al H. He refers to the Bathtub Bulletin as “his website.” Cancel appointment with Dr. Simon. Then he calls me up to confirm. I feel really bad for him. Want to reschedule just to make him happy. But I don’t. In ’til 3ish. See Jon in front of W.F. Walk to G.P. Nice day. See “Rubicon” car on San Jose Avenue. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Emergency shits at restroom there. Mouse at hole in the ground keeps peeping out. See Taylor walk into Portola CVS. Then see “Joy.” Guy walking down Mt.D. smiles at me. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Degeneration and degeneracy of our bodies and our cities appear inevitable due to attrition and entropy. My conclusion: Truth is the inevitable, unavoidable womanish man of peace, an organism preordained and predictable in its spontaneous, reasonable usefulness.

May 19 dream:  Massive empty Chinese warehouse in Paris. I want to take a photo of it.

May 19 dream:  Everybody is getting ready to smoke pot. Truck drives by with “5 More Days” written on its windshield. I’m getting my red shoes out of my closet since that’s part of the new uniform. And the janitor likes me.

May 18, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. BART to G.P. Zeph and May at C.B. Read “Is there a Cancer Personality?” chapter from Gabor Maté’s When the Body Says No. Made me realize how much inner work I still have to do. Say good-bye to Zeph. May ignores me. She’s mad about me not going further with her on May 15. Forego walk due to rain. See Steven and friend at Safeway. Am more attracted to his friend. Talk with Myka on way out. He’s taking six classes at SFSU and working 40 hours a week at Safeway, he tells me. In talking to May in my head, she says: What’s wrong with you? I say: Apart from my mother being killed in front of me as a kid and my father trying to have sex with me . . . Then I heard what I said. I didn’t say that my father had sex with me. I said that he tried to have sex with me. That means I refused him. That felt right. And that would explain my not being able to remember him having sex with me and also my feeling of being strong and powerful afterwards in the front yard. (And I’ve been refusing people sex ever since.)

May 18 dream:  Some friends were going to come over to place I was staying at for tanning. Guy says: “And you really do have a 14” cock?” I said: “Let’s hope I get to use it.”

May 18 dream:  Visit high school. Share pot-laced, healing food with them. Wrap boxes in aluminum foil.

May 18 dream:  Cute guy I volunteered to keep track of.

May 17, 2019:  See Robert (from CCSF Media Dept.) at Ocean and Lee. 101 with John F. Chris stops by. Pretty good day. Thinking about Kathy B. saying I should move to Bend, Oregon. I think: If I move to Oregon it would be to Corvallis or Portland. Woman smiles at me. Ed at Super Duper. I ask him about his SF Giants T-shirt. He started explaining why he isn’t wearing it. And he lifts up his shirt. I immediately get protective of him. 2-1/2 hours at Rincon. Go to Castro. Catch #35 bus at Market. Guy on Diamond whose neck I admired. He turned around and smiled at me. Fashion designer barista at C.B. She’s mad at me for not coming on to her. Also, emergency shits at C.B. See “tomorrow” and “Cheetah.”

May 17 dream:  I have a gay son. I use his brush. He wants to make me at home.

May 17 dream:  Work for new company which not only gives general assignments to whomever is passing by but also things to read and questions to answer.

May 16, 2019:  Accidentally run across my father’s name on a pdf of CCSF’s graduating class in June 1937. In ’til 3ish. Go to Arizmendi Bakery for my 3 loaves of butter milk gluten-free bread. Then on the Peets Cole Valley. Schizophrenic woman stops by our table to share with us how much she dislikes older men. Not that I consider myself an older man, but I could see where she might. Read more of unlearn you pain by Dr. Schubner. Get to the point where the author asks me to describe my father. #37 to Castro. Couple of people smile at me. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Then transfer immediately to #23 in G.P. Then immediately to #43. See Anita from Digital Media class on “Check Please, Bay Area!’ Anonymous call at 7:55 p.m.

May 16 dream:  On talk show panel, MC simply ignores black guy furthest away. Later I see Thane involved in the lobby. Woman tells black guy: “You quit too soon.”

May 16 dream:  I killed a couple of people who are still in our backyard.

May 16 dream:  Getting ready to do Tonight Show-type show. Several guy introducers.  All doubles. One was missing.

May 16 dream:  Preparing to eat big meal, even though I wasn’t really hungry, and I already had prepared myself a plate. Bernie Gold there. Also Nancy Lee.

May 15, 2019:  In ’til 2:30 p.m. Then went to CCSF Academic Senate at MUB building. As I walk in the building, seagulls are going crazy, screaming at each other. Meeting opened with public comments. I got up and spoke of my support for lifelong learning. Connie, the head of the P.E. Dept. and the person who invited me, set right in front of me. Also in attendance was my Digital Media teacher, Malcolm Cecil. Left about 4:45 p.m. and walked to G.P. Zeph at C.B. with his girl friend May. On the way out, I said to May: “Are you a student too?” She said: “Yeah, but I’m not a good one.” That cracked me up. #36 and #43 home. In p.m. I got pissed off ’cause my 4-day-old avocado was still not ripe. An avocado should be ripe after 4 days! Your father should love you! Saw Fahrenheit 11/9 in p.m.

May 15 dream:  Going to school at OSU And applying to return. My friend says I lived in Tigard, Oregon. I go along and apply as an Oregon resident.

May 15 dream:  On vacation trip to place we’d been before. Train pulls right up to my window. I open it a bit further. Younger Bernie Sanders is conductor. I say: “Could you get any closer?” Then he takes off. Later pass cute resto I had enjoyed last time. About 7 or 8 girls (including sisters Nancy and Laurie) reserve a table. I try to join them.

May 14, 2019:  Finish up my BMR lease renewal. Follow cute guy (new W.F. cafe baristo from hier) into W.F. men’s room. Catch him admiring himself in the mirror. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. I comment on her diamond studs implanted on her lower back. Then compliment her on her choice of ’70s Motown music. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Dog at G.C.P. stops at doggie drinking fountain. I push button to turn on the water. Later his owner comes along and says: “He’s completely independent. He doesn’t need me at all.” Have inner dialog with my father on Mt.D. Me: How do you explain my reaction to the news of your remarrying. My going in to the den and almost collapsing onto the floor saying: “Oh, thank God. Now I can go back to being a normal boy.” Father: I can’t explain it. Me: You have no idea? Father: No. Me: Was there something abnormal about what we were doing? Father: Of course not. Me: Then why would I almost fall to he floor in relief at news of your remarrying? Father: I don’t know. Me: You think I’m lying? Father: No. Me: Then what happened? Father: I don’t remember. Me: You don’t remember what? Father: I don’t remember what happened. Me: Then you admit that something happened. Father: [He hits me.] Now shut up. Me: Is that your last refuge? Violence? Father: [Hits me again.] I said “Shut up.” Me: So something did happen. Father: I don’t remember. I won’t remember. Me: Yes you will. You will remember. Father: I won’t. Me: You will. And you do. Now tell me. Father: I won’t. Me: You can and you will. [I shake my father.] Tell me. Tell me! Father: Nothing happened. I never did it. Me: Never did what? Father: I never touched you. Me: It’s all right. I was more than will to go along. Father: Yes, you were. Me: Then you admit something happened? Father: Yes. Don’t ask me more. Me: I was willing, even eager, to go along. But you were the adult. Father: And you thought you were being adult. Me: Yes, but I was wrong, and so were you. Each for our different reasons. I now see that you were just as lost as I was and therefore we found each other, inevitably. So I release you from whatever role I have you trapped in and I release myself from whatever role I have trapped myself in. I realize that my real identity is consciousness/beingness itself. And that I can function from that identity if I choose to. I love you and I love myself. End of dialogue. #36 bus arrives at base of Mt.D. just as I do. Then #09 car at Coventry Court. (The no. 9 signifies completion of something.)

May 14 dream:  Diane Feinstein is best at finding lost purses, handbags, etc. Especially in Chico.

May 14 dream:  Eastern European party in underground rail terminal. Mostly guys. In fact, all guys trying to find the person most dressed like themselves.

May 13, 2019:  Table for Bernie at CCSF from 11-1 with Patrick. It’s hella cold and windy. Dakota stops by. Later Patrick mentions meeting Dakota and his partner. For some reason, it really upset me to find out that Dakota had a partner. A few minutes later got anonymous hang-up call. After, see Jon and woman Bernie volunteer and other new cute baristo at W.F. cafe. Work on my lease renewal. Then walk up to Mt.D. and back. See Henry at W.F.

May 13 dream:  Some one giving a Prospero class. I’m sleeping thru it. Later I go with Al H. someplace where some people have intentionally buried themselves.

May 13 dream:  Driving with Calvin. Suzanne D. driving too close to us. She gets her fingers caught in our window. Then we almost run over old lady on road.

May 12, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Nice Pakistani or Indian guy from Atlanta on top. Meet Nick on Melrose Avenue. (*Relates to emergency shits from hier at Safeway?) He said he’d have something for me the next time we meet. I said: “I look forward to it.” Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: The outdated instinct to reproduce is leading to overpopulation and undermines nurturance. My conclusion: Truth is the only cause and the only effect, the only foundation and the only superstructure, all that can be produced, all that can result, the only instinct inhabiting infinity, feeding and cherishing all.

May 12 dream:  At resto/school. I’m one of the star students but I don’t have anything to do. Supposed to avoid Polish porn. (h.o.)

May 12 dream:  Guy at store takes on the manager in a block of cement vs. block of wood fight.

May 12 dream:  Dream I have to get up at 5:30 a.m. for a 6:30 a.m. job like I’ve been doing for a few weeks now.

May 11, 2019:  RHS as I wake up: ‘Cause I came from God, pleasing myself (either through food or sex) was not allowed. Get 1-1/2 ring anonymous call at about 9:20 a.m. just as I realize this. Jerk off. In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. I taught him how to say “goodbye” in French. Fashion designer barista at C.B. She shared with me a photo of her final project. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Feeling progressively “shittier.” Make it to Safeway restroom. Myka tells me more about the Mueller report on the way out. Watching “Check, Please!” made me cry. (*See first dream of May 9.)

May 11 dream:  Guy angry at his boss takes over for a week. He gives me a ride to work in a different car each day.

May 10, 2019:  John F. and I at 101. Pretty good day. See Max, Ed and David at Super Duper. Then two hours or so at Rincon. F to Castro. See Phil Diers but don’t connect with him. Wait in front of J’s store for #35. Zeph at C.B. His girlfriend there, too. I like her today. Very crowded at C.B. just like the #35 bus was very crowded. #36 and #43 home. Get call as I open the door. I answer but don’t speak. Just breath hard. He hangs up.

May 10 dream:  I have to leave home ’cause I’m gay. Then I have to tell a friend about it.

May 10 dream:  Print out blank death certificate on mimeograph paper. Laurie there.

May 9, 2019:  Jerk off in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Henry at library in the non-fiction section. I say: “I like non-fiction.” Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Beautiful guy on cell phone at G.C.P. Walk to Mt.D. Listen to Prokofiev’s “Romeo & Juliet” three times today. Also listening to Gabor Mate YouTube (”The Roots of Healing”) made me feel bad about myself. (*See first dream of May 6.)

May 9 dream:  Eating some kind of grilled meat which tasted very good. Harriet there.

May 9 dream:  Starting new job. Other guy puts chocolate chips and other stuff on my chair. I sit on it. Then I give him all the stuff on my chair.

May 9 dream:  Guy runs away from original girlfriend only to later go after her. Other girl goes off with two other girls in flying transformer machine.

May 8, 2019:  Go to DMV in Rockridge area of Oakland. See beautiful guy on bike at College Avenue intersection. (*Relates to “Expect the Unexpected” from hier?) I wait thru  green light ’til he rides off. Pass DMV test. Miss one question. People there generally very nice. Final guy I deal with was quite sexy, sitting at his desk and giving me my temporary license. Walk from Oakland to Berkeley. Stop at Blue Bear Cafe. Cute Asian guy as I leave. Beautiful guy on Durant. Walk to watch repair in SF. J-like guy on Hyde. Used to being admired. #49 home.

May 8 dream:  Sara Walker looks really nice for party. She has a dead snake in her hair. She says for me to look up the word “fair.”

May 7, 2019:  Happy birthday to me! Go to DMV in SF to get a hard copy of the DMV booklet. Security guard says they no longer print them. Walk to Peets Cole Valley. Cute Asian guy at Masonic and Oak, waiting for his ride. Woman on Haight smiles at me. Really hot guy in front of Luke’s on Cole. Take #43 to Ridgewood. Walk up to Mt.D. Guy checking me out (or my Bernie button) on way down. Studying DMV sample tests for tomorrow’s test. Get “Expect the Unexpected” from DMV online.

May 7 dream:  Serving food at hip young resto. Ben Gilberti(?) is explaining new idea.

May 7 dream:  Old black guy in front of me in cafeteria line sticking his hand in my food ’cause he thought I had done that to him.

May 7 dream:  Oversleep. Don’t get up by 9 a.m. Miss my tests.

May 6, 2019:  Go to Bernie tabling at CCSF with Patrick. Get rained out. 12:30pm-ish anonymous call. See Jon at W.F. He’s looking good. Go to 3pm meeting at MUB re future of CCSF. Meet head of P.E. Dept. She tells me there are more of us who are in favor of  lifelong learning at CCSF. Then hike to Mt.D. and back. See Robert from CCSF Media Dept. at W.F. And vegetable lady.

May 6 dream:  Older black guy with raggedy dreds fighting. Black woman says to me: “You always let them fight for you.” I think: “That’s not true. I was just fighting with him a while ago.”

May 5, 2019:  2:30ish anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. He was having a bad day. Sit next to guy in shorts. Later cute young guy comes in. He looked like a younger, shorter version of J. at first. I admired his body. He turned around and smiled. Then left shortly after. Then another taller, well-built guy comes in. As I leave, I engage him in conversation. We talk about a half hour. He’s a former Navy corpsman, studying to be a nurse. About half way through our conversation he mentioned his girlfriend. When I left, I saluted him. (*Relates to emergency shits form May 3 about 6:30 p.m.?) Walk to G.C.P, Mt.D. and home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: When organizing beliefs or myths no longer function adequately people feel lost, angry and reactive. My conclusion: Truth is the sole organism, always reliable, always equal to the task at hand, visible as the spectrum of one True being realized, acting harmoniously, without hesitation, doubt or consideration.

May 5 dream:  Dates have been updated.

May 5 dream:  “You need a less complicated life rather than a more complicated one?” one ceramic character to another.

May 5 dream:  I lost my ice cream truck. Elizabeth Warren lost her car. We were in a community. I find my truck. It was being used to entertain kids and I could have it back at the end of the day.

May 5 dream:  Hanging out with French kids. I say: “Vous ne parle pas Anglais, pas de tous?” Then me and young boy climb around structure to get to the other side. It’s a long fall down.

May 4, 2019:  In ’til 3pm-ish. Henry at library. He says he’s not interested in God. He’s interested in computers. Walk to G.P. Fashion designer barista there. Walk to G.C.P. Feel a little “shitty.” (*Relates to Asian guy who smiled at me at G.C.P.?) Continue on to Mt.D. Then to Safeway. No Myka. No Steven. Insight: What if the emotional pain my back pain is trying to distract me from, as Dr. Sarno suggests, is that J. is not good for me, just as my father was not good for me.

May 4 dream:  24 mini steak sandwiches in response to Trump?

May 4 dream:  Older wise woman telling me something. Then black girl tugs at my pants. Then rides on my back.

May 3, 2019:  Go to Leigh’s home for lunch with Nancy and Laurie. We talked for 3 hours. Then visited Aunt Joanne at Arden Wood for another 2-1/2 hours. Feeling progressively “shitty.” At last, when I got home, had emergency shits. About 6:30 p.m.

May 3 dream:  Request delay in my talk, so guy can wash my shirt which is stained with blueberry jam or something.

May 2, 2019:  Anonymous call about 9am-ish. Jerk off in a.m. Memory: Me at gay dance bar The Farm on Santa Monica Boulevard in Hollywood in 1970 or so saying internally to anyone who wanted me: “Here I am.” Did I do the same with my father? In ’til 3pm-ish. Walk to Lakeview. Then up 19th Avenue. See advertisement for two bedroom + family room for $1,100/month. So I walk to 31st Avenue. Turns out it was $1,100,000. I had just overlooked the last thee zeros. N to Cole Valley. Good-looking, well-built guy with Sunset gym T-shirt. I smile at him. Later see him walk with little girl (presumably his daughter) off the train. Go to Peets Cole Valley. Got “perfect” somewhere. Then Berniecrats meeting at 7pm in the Haight. Good meeting. Well attended. Reconnect with Laksh. He mentions his girlfriend on his way out, so I guess he thought I was coming on to him. Which I probably was. Got 5 robocall messages when I get home. (*Relates to coyote barking and howling from May 2? I think they were angry robocalls probably planted by J. in retaliation for wishing him a happy 60th on May 1.) Insight: My not trusting technology or authority in general rebates to not trusting my father?

May 2 dream:  Trump invites me for dinner. Beautiful falsetto voice from male singer. Trump barely speaks to me.

May 1, 2019:  Happy 60th to my friend J! 101 with John F. Feeling “shitty” throughout. Max and David at Super Duper. Shits before two hours at Rincon. Shits after as well. F to Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Zeph at C.B. #36 and #43 home. Cute Asian guy at Monterey and Gennessee. Realize coyote from April 29 relates to telephone conversation with my sister Nancy hier who replied to my question: “Can I bring anything?” Nancy: “Just yourself and your memory.”

May 1 dream:  Something to do with AOC being all over the place on a chart. (h.o.)

May 1 dream:  My father has my apartment repainted. Then I get a new roommate with  lots of friends, coming and going.

May 1 dream:  Find out my sister Laurie has written a book. I say: “Wow. Am I the only one in the family who hasn’t written a book?” Her book is called Aerie Faeries. It begins by talking about John Sexton.

April 30, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Owner at C.B. Walk to G.C.P. Feel a little “shitty.” (*Relates to Asian woman smiling inwardly as I pass by her in G.C.P.) Continue my walk thru G.C.P. Hear barks and howls of coyote(s) nearby. The same one I saw hier? Go to Mt.D. Then home.

April 30 dream:  Rattlesnake bites my friend’s foot. Everyone says to try and coax it off ’cause the second bite is more dangerous.

April 30 dream:  Starting new job with nice woman boss. She wants me to retype something that’s already been typed on yellow legal sized paper. Am self-conscious that she will check out my body as I leave. (*Relates to my father, my boss, who was my “mother” for a while between marriages and who always wrote things out on yellow legal pads.)

April 29, 2019:  Tabling for Bernie from 11am-1pm at CCSF with Patrick and Paul. Several cute guys passed by. Two cute little Vietnamese kids ran up to us. I gave one a Bernie button and pinned it on his little jacket. Go home. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. He has a different girlfriend today. Walk thru G.C.P. Woman says to me: “Is that your dog?” I say: “No.” She says: “Is it a coyote?” I say: “Yes.” It was a pretty big coyote and it was just standing in the middle of the path. I walked toward it. Woman told me to be careful. As I got closer, it casually went on its way. Felt emergency shits coming on. Make it to Starbucks Portola. Continue on to Mt.D. See lizard cross my path. Run across my Sunday pink to-do list on path down to Coventry Court. Then hot checkout gal at Safeway. Then home.

April 29 dream:  Guy in store asks for today’s Examiner. Boss hands me guitar shaped box. I let customer open it. It’s a musical instrument of some sort.

April 29 dream:  Getting ready to give big Sunday Meeting. Rick wanted to do it in a week. I insisted we keep to our every two week schedule. J. wanted to tell me something. He hesitated. I grabbed him by the chin and said: “For God’s sake, spit it out.” He asked me to be gentle on the Joe’s who hang out on a local street. Obama was one of the introducers.

April 28, 2019:  Library says I checked out two DVDs which I didn’t believe I did. Get reprieve for three weeks. Walk to G.P. Zeph there. Walk thru G.C.P. and then Mt.D. Still upset about the DVDs. See Isaiah briefly at W.F. (*Relates to 5:30 p.m. emergency shits from April 26?) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: People and groups get stuck in routines that lack vitality and do not promote progress. My conclusion: Truth is one indistinguishable group: lawful, vital, adult, stuck on Itself and promoting Itself directly.

April 28 dream:  Woman suggests I help priest put on the show. He doesn’t think that’s such a good idea.

April 28 dream:  Successful Broadway show held in Chinese theater. My friend from Bay Times there.

April 28 dream:  Several of us went into a transformer box. It appeared to go down several floors. There was some confusion down there. I started Translating. Some said I couldn’t do that. I said: “I don’t care. You’re my thoughts and I’m Translating.” Then we made it back. One guy got a new job.

April 27, 2019:  Go to Bernie campaign opening. See John F., and Jason Ney from Bernie’s 2016 campaign. Meet Patrick, Shahid, Ben. Walk to Bernal Heights. Meet Ian and and his German Sheppard Zoe. Walk to C.B. Jordan there. I fall asleep at table. Memory: taking off my clothes at worksite when Dad (and others) wasn’t there. Pass by Jun at work on way to Safeway. Myka at Safeway. He told me about reading the Mueller report. Got home. Eat. Take two hour nap.

April 27 lucid dream:  Guy serving food in cafeteria line says to me: “Can you say goodbye?”

April 27 dream:  Bernie Gold says he’ll meet with me our group on Friday at my place. He says: “You’ll have more money then.”

April 27 dream:  Vince Vaughn complaining about being chained in pool. Was very funny.

April 27 dream:  Was at a “rinses.” Saw hot wrestling match and said: “Now I’ve got my next Sunday Meeting.”

April 26, 2019:  Meet with Laurie at 11:30 at Crepes on Cole. I told her about my memory of relief that my father was going to remarry: “Thank, God. Now I can go back to being a ‘normal’ boy.” And my memory of being in Dad’s bed. She was very supportive. That was a big relief. Walked thru Castro. Waited for #35 in front of J’s store. Zeph at C.B. Then went to see Jesse at Expresso. Ran into Taylor (my “Otter Woman”) by accident. He asked me if I was stalking him. Emergency shits at 5:30 p.m. or so.

April 26 dream:  Frasier and his son try to get away from the police.

April 26 dream:  Am enrolled in eight different business schools. Must _____ my education and start running the family business.

April 26 dream:  Girl asks me to care for her baby daughter for two days. Then four of them go to new church art show. She and I throw her garbage on top of other people’s garbage cans. Then go downstairs to very somber hardware store with lots of dour men. We keep walking down steps. She turns back at one point. Men are also walking alongside me. I wake up.

April 25, 2019:  Anonymous call at 9:15 am-ish. Final Mind-Body discussion today from 2:30-3:30 p.m. Did guided meditation. In my mind, I was on an empty stage in an empty theater. My pain told me to “communicate.” Go to Arizmendi for gluten-free bread. Then run into Frank (brother of Jesse) and his girlfriend who are on their way to Center Hardware fundraiser which he told me about weeks ago. I stopped by Peets Cole Street. Guy on T. Get “perfect.” When I got to Center Hardware, couldn’t find Frank, but did meet Michael, a good-looking young construction worker. We kind of hit it off and talked for quite a while though I avoided what could have been a hook-up. (*See AOC dream of April 23.) Later find out only Laurie will be at lunch tomorrow.

April 25 dream:  Wallace Norton and other guy missing. I say: “His last name’s the same as Ed Norton.”

April 24, 2019:  101. Slow day. Ed at Super Duper. He asked me about my Young Turks T-shirt. i said that it’s an online news source. He said: “Oh, I watch the news all the time. Brietbart…” Yikes! Two hours at Rincon. Emergency shits after. Take F to Castro. Swarm of bees at Noe and Market. Waited for #35 in front of J’s store. Zeph and girl barista at C.B. #23 and #43 home. Beautiful skateboarder who smiles at me when I turn around to take a second look. (*Relates to emergency shits at Starbucks Portola on April 22?)

April 24 dream:  See guy in dark corridor. Then he’s waiting for me. Then he’s in student lounge. I confront him. I offer to sell him my hot rod car which I bought for $5.2 million (a few years ago) for $1.5 million. (h.o.)

April 24 dream:  Meet my neighbor. His apartment is much shabbier than mine. Building is having an auction. Had to wait in line to get back upstairs.

April 23, 2019:  Anonymous call at noonish. Another at 2:30 pm-ish. Mind-Body class from 3:30 to 5:00 p.m. Last class. Walk to Mt.D. Guy on Miramar.

April 23 dream:  I’m making out with AOC. She kicks out the cat.

April 23 dream:  At skeezy bar. Barman(?) throws out my second drink. I get another in a very crusty cup.

April 22, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Kick errant soccer ball like a pro. Feeling more and more “shitty.” Pass Starbucks Portola. Then on to Mt.D. Feeling more shitty again. Must head to either Starbucks Portola or Safeway for emergency shits. Decide on Portola. Put my things down on table directly across from guy who turned out to be my “Otter Woman” friend Taylor (See diary of July 23, 2017. Relates to shits of April 20 as did guy on Mt.D hier?) Get in line for restroom. Taylor behind. me. I tell him his new haircut looks good. I leave my place in line to order an ice tea. When I get back, Taylor’s gone. See Frank on Gennessee on way home. Get $50 from Janet C. for the BB. Worried about how I’m going to tell Laurie about me and my father on Friday.

April 22 dream:  Drove into town. Two people in the room were familiar with the movie I’d just seen.

April 21, 2019:  Prosperos Sunday Meeting at 11 a.m. 14 people attended online. Rick Thomas referred to the Book of John as the Book of Thane. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph and rude new girl at C.B. Walter there for a while. Nice day. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Beautiful guy walking with his girl friend. He smiles at me and I embrace his smile. (*Relates to emergency shits hier at Safeway at about the same time?) Get home around 6 p.m. Anonymous call at 6:15 p.m. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Violations of rule of law threaten intellectual property and value of the individual. My conclusion: Truth is the only arbiter of the rule of law, inviolate, untouchable, urgent, inducing intellectual property of inestimable worth.

April 21 dream:  In Santa Cruz, men who and place which I’d visited before. With girl I liked. Had to take a pee. Little girl wouldn’t (couldn’t?) leave the bathroom. Tom Ammiano  encouraging me about something.

April 21 dream:  Bottle kind of overflows. I drink its contents. Think about sharing it with woman nearby. Don’t.

April 20, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Realize pimple on my nose probably relates to my RHS of father. As does my back/side pain. Henry in backroom of library. Cold windy day. Walk to G.P. Fashion designer barista there. She brought my drink to me at my table. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Decide not to attend family Easter dinner tomorrow. At Tower Market, see magazine on the ground. Turn it over with my foot. It was “Money” magazine. I take that as a sign that my decision re Easter dinner was “on the money.” Reminded me of when I first moved to San Francisco in April of ’78 and I went into the laundry room of my new apartment and heard the word “Money.” Walk to Mt.D. Feel more and more “shitty.” Emergency shits at Safeway. Strange woman worker there stands right outside the bathroom the whole time I was in there. See Steven briefly from the rear. Check out with a very harried Myka, trying to get off work early to attend his parents’ wedding anniversary. Just missed #43 bus. Next one in 58 minutes. So I schlepped home with my grocery bags. Journal idea: How would I react if my father did to my [hypothetical] son what he did to me? In p.m., at first so scared about what I would tell Laurie about why I didn’t come to Easter dinner. Later realized that she probably wasn’t going call. That made me a little mad.

April 20 dream:  Run by woman who likes me for 2nd time in some sort of personalized trial run.

April 20 dream:  Woman leading conference asks everyone to yell: Reborn! I do. No one else does.

April 20 dream:  Take boat ride to L.A. with one of Tom’s friends. A very beautiful Leigh B. turns up. She’s reading a classic book. Then another spookier woman. I tell her: “There is nothing bad.” She likes that. We are now off the coast of New Orleans.

April 20 dream:  There’s a possibility I could be appointed DA of S.F. And somebody else mayor. I’m looking for a newspaper to find out. I’m wearing my drum major hat. On the back of my uniform it says “Women.”

April 19, 2019:  In ’til 2 p.m. dental appointment. Then walk to Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Cute black guy at the back of the bus. I sit near him. Ask him about his flowers (*Relates to emergency shits from April 17 at about the same time?) Go to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Walk to Mt.D. Get single ring phone call on Mt.D. Cute worker at W.F. Then meet cute bespectacled guy and his dog Teddy at elevator on way up to my apartment. Very friendly dog.

April 19 dream:  The day is saved by someone using a quote from an earlier part of the dream.

April 18, 2019:  Mind-Body discussion group at 2:30 p.m. Due to technical difficulties, ended up being a one-on-one conversation with me and Dr. Stracks. I told him I suspected that I was sexually molested by my father though I had no specific memory of that. I do remember sitting on my father’s bed alone as far as I could see and another memory of how I felt when my father told us he was going to remarry. I went into the den and practically collapsed on the floor saying to myself: “Thank God. Now I can go back to being a normal boy.” And Dr. Stracks said: “Well, we know something bad happened.” After, I walked up to Mt.D. Two women stopped in their car as I was walking up. They opened their window and said: “Keep it up. Amazing.” I say: “I do what I can.” (*This may relate to emergency shits of hier at about the same time. Also I think they were commenting about how I was doing with my inner work on my father.) Take off my shirts on top of Mt.D. so I can wear only one shirt. Asian guy looked like he thought I was coming on to him. Walk to W.F. Then home.

April 18 dream:  Morris-Dees. Small screw on my watch. I’m trying to see what the writing says. At end, with fun, young boss. We were laughing about something.

April 18 dream:  Fooling around with some Russians (or at least that’s what we called them) in a swimming pool area.

April 18 dream:  Al H., Daniel B. and others helping me move stuff out of my old place.

April 17, 2019:  Go to 101. Beautiful butterfly visits us. Busy day. David at Super Duper. Then two or so hours at Rincon. K to the Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Beautiful guy on #35 in backseat smiles as I sit near him. Later I talked to him briefly. I just wanted to get a sense of him, which I did. Stop by C.B. Emergency shits there. Also Zeph. #36 and #43 home. Jerk off. Memory: Nancy leaving me a message that Dad had a (subsequently) fatal stroke back in 1996. Back pain started right after my father died in 1996.

April 17 dream:  See Merv Griffin at ceremonial site(?) They were digging up dirt. He stopped to answer his cellphone. I had to wait behind him. Insight:

April 17 dream:  Big boom in distance. Birds fly over me. Some so close I can feel their feathers. I shoo them away: “Get the fuck out of here.” (Later dream about telling a group of people about this dream.)

April 17 dream:  Getting ready to give some big speech to people that love and know me.

April 16, 2019:  Mind-Body class from 3:30-5:00 p.m. Getting a little tired of this class. Walk to Mt.D. afterwards. Stop by Safeway. See Steven briefly. Then cute guy in aisle 1 (*Perhaps he corresponds to the emergency shits from April 14 rather than the young Asian boy from hier?) Two-ring call at 8:30 p.m.

April 16 dream:  Getting ready at work for big shipment out tomorrow. Elevator problems.

April 15, 2019:  11:30 a.m. one ring call. In ’til 3ish. Drizzly day. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Kind of rainy. Walk up G.C.P anyway. More RHSing of my mother and father and me and my desire to be a “normal” boy even though I knew I wasn’t. Came up with the word “ordinary,” which basically means orderly , everything in its appropriate place (including me). Walking onto #43 bus for last few blocks home. Young Asian boy looks at me like he knows me with such love and knowing. It was unnerving and profound. (*Relates to emergency shits from hier and also the barking dog from Mt.D.?) Then guy after guys gets off at three successive bus stops, each of whom I was attracted to in different ways. See Isaiah at W.F. He’s a student at Skyline College studying psychology. Hanz called about 7 p.m. 8:15 p.m. anonymous call.

April 15 dream:  Guy arranging how four of us guys would be sleeping in the same bed. I started bleeding from my shoulder where I had taken out a small metal rod, so we had to hold up for a moment.

April 15 dream:  Invitation to Tom C’s girlfriend, looking over industrial place where we work.

April 15 dream:  Made date with cute, friendly well-built guy. All my friends in the retirement home were talking about him. Saw him a day early. Wondered what I would do if J. showed up as well. Took street car. Saw Bob M. with slicked down hair. Not sure where in downtown S.F. I was.

April 14, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Then Walter. He and I got to talking about words like dork, wanker, sucks, etc. Left C.B. laughing. Walk thru G.C.P. Distant hawk? Then Mt.D. Very nasty dog threatens me and French family behind me. Emergency shits coming on. I make it to Safeway restroom about 6 p.m. Anonymous call after getting home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Origin and mechanism of painful symptoms may be obscure or protectively hidden. My conclusion: Truth is unprotected invulnerability, all that is happy in being all that is, whose symptoms can only be indicators of wholeness, oneness, and nonredundancy arisen. Send in High Watch Translation Service request: “The Prosperos may have Parkinson’s disease.

April 14 dream:  Time is running out before the show starts and characters need to make the required changes to be ready to perform.

April 14 dream:  Officials deny all culpability. I want to stay behind and plan response and am trusted and allowed.

April 14 dream:  I’m reading an old school paper article I wrote about Ronald Reagan. Guy on our ledge. He pokes spike into one of our very small windows. They are back on the street now. I try to get a license number. One of them has a gun.

April 14 dream:  Walking the streets home. I realized they did not seem familiar. Meet up with two cute little brown boys. Go into resto thru side door. They are serving steaks to a traditional clientele.

April 13, 2019:  Anonymous call around 11:45 a.m. In ’til 3 pm-ish. Henry at library. Walk to G.P. Aging hippie takes photo of me on San Jose Avenue as he rides by on his bike. Jordan at C.B. Also well-built friendly blackish guy who sat next to me. I felt more and more drawn to him so I turned off my cell phone and took the ear plugs out of my ears and waited for an opportunity to speak with him. Then he got up and left. I was too late. Clue for crossword puzzle I was working on at the time: “Missed an easy one.” Answer: BLEWIT. (*Relates to snake and bees dream of April 11, probably.) Walk thru G.C.P. See guy in shiny tights walking away from me. I follow him. He sits down at edge of cliff. I talk to him. He’s a fencing teacher walking back from SOTA to his place near Goat Hill. His name is Raphael. I wish him well. He says: “Maybe we’ll run into each other again.” Later at Portola and O’Shaughnessy, aging hippie photographer from San Jose Avenue rides by again and takes what he says is his last photo. His appearing twice in my journey means I’ve come full circle in some way. Walk to Mt.D. and then to Safeway. Talk for a few minutes with Steven. He is such a sweet boy after you break through his hard outer shell. Later check out with Myka. We talk about climate change. When I get home, I eat ¼ of a pumpkin pie. My side pain  emerges. Probably not an accident that I indulged in sweets which I knew my body would reject after, in effect, rejecting guy at C.B.

April 13 dream:  Walking thru somebody’s nice yard and garden with many others.

April 12, 2019:  In ’til 1:30 or so. Go to Rincon. No Charles at Starbucks. Ed at Super Duper. He wasn’t wearing his SF Giants T-shirt. Two hours or so at Rincon. Take M to Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Gay guy on #35 gives me the eye. Zeph at C.B. I had to tell him the toilet was blocked up. I say: “It wasn’t me!” BART to Balboa Station. Bicyclist on BART. Cute African-American waiting for #29 on Ocean. I get off at next stop to wait 20 minutes for him. When I saw him again, he pretended not to recognize me. See Isaiah at W.F.

April 12 dream:  Reading thru final scene of Ibsen’s “Hedda Gabler,” the play I did in college.

April 12 dream:  Telling a support group that the most important thing I learned was how unexceptional I am. Leader of group wasn’t listening.

April 12 insight:  Me looking for father figure who wouldn’t have sex with me.

April 11, 2019:  Call to owner of home on Teresita at about 11:30 a.m. (*Relates to emergency shits hier at 11:30 a.m. and hawk and crow from April 7?) So excited I got thru my emails, update to the BB the OSF site and Zontaphotos with only one drop off by AT&T. I thought my AT&T problem had been fixed. But no. Realized I would have to stay home for another day waiting for AT&T technician to arrive. Finally he did around 5 p.m. I was, of course, furious. But he was very decent. Very nice. And he apparently found the problem and fixed it. When I took him to the computer room in the basement, I had a deja vu. I realized I had made him into a father figure and found myself automatically getting ready to offer myself to him sexually. Until I caught myself. Anonymous calls at about 4:50 and 6:50 p.m. Later, fantasizing about moving to London, getting a fresh start. Leaving all my problems behind. Or a real possibility for a new home?

April 11 dream:  Poisonous snake bites ____. Bees swarm around. I try to get away.

April 11 dream:  Go down ramp to movie. Bob M. ignores me on the way. I climb on table to get a seat. Guy has slides set up. Film is called “Kissinger.”

April 11 dream:  Administrator of school fixes my dark glasses which had been broken.

4/11/19 dream:  Couple who are friends transform home into stage for Jackie Gleason show. Cute girl leans forward but doesn’t show anything. Then she turns around and sees us. And is surprised.

4/11/19 dream:  Closet piled with unopened boxes (memories?)

April 10, 2019:  9:15 a.m. anonymous call. 101 from 11:30 to 1:30. Emergency shits at 11:30 a.m. at nearby restroom. Skateboarders at Balboa Skatepark get excited on seeing me. See Henry at Ocean and Lee on way home from 101. Online Mind-Body discussion group from 3-4. Connection made between my back pain and family reunion in September of last year and Aunt Joanne moving to S.F. in December. AT&T shows up at 6:15 p.m., but he’s an inside technician, not an outside technician as is needed.

April 10 dream:  At Christmas time, lots of decorations. Planning for upcoming event I would not be attending. Tom C. there.

April 9, 2019:  11:45 a.m. anonymous call. Mind-Body class from 3:30-5:00 p.m. At end I chat: “Thank you Jessica.” She chats back: “Thanks Mike.” (*Relates to emergency shits from April 7 and four hawks from April 6?) After, walk to Mt.D. and back. See Frank (Jesse’s brother) on #43 bus. He invites me to John O’Connell High School fundraiser later this month.

April 9 dream:  My friend starts icing up if I’m not in constant communication with him. I have to go inside, so he’s icing up.

April 9 dream:  Working with Trump on movie about black superhero. He wants me to play the black guy. I say: “Well, it should be me or the black guy sitting across from me.”

April 9 dream:  Guest to me: “Leather seems to terrify you.” Me: “It does?” Guy: “It terrifies me. I don’t see the necessity of it.” Earlier looking thru photos of chubby guys who are feeling beautiful.

April 8, 2019:  9 a.m. anonymous call. Fire alarms going off all morning. Noonish anonymous call. Cute fire alarm guy comes in and says: “We’ll be finished by noon.” I say: “I wish I could believe you.” AT&T guys arrives 2-1/2 hours late. He said he would have called but he didn’t have my number!!! In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. Police action at Unity Plaza a block away from home. Zeph at C.B. Have chocolate muffin and iced latte. It was a very warm though overcast day. Leave C.B. about 5 p.m. It’s mistier and mistier. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to Del Vale to Mt.D. My experience with AT&T and with the fire alarms this a.m. led me to RHS my father the whole way. See Isaiah at W.F. Journal about my father when I get home. Imagine tearing up my Saratoga room. Later my Saratoga house.

April 8 lucid dream:  Someone on my balcony.

April 8 dream:  Getting ready to take a series of tests from making a steak sandwich to more academic subjects.

April 8 dream:  Three nuns trying to get into storeroom next to me and another person on my 3rd floor apartment. One nun is quite cute.

April 8 dream:  Laurie wanted me to go steady with her. I wanted to stay free. She had a shoe with a U.S. Stamp in it.

April 7, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. (mostly talking to his female assistant). Also Walter. Take emergency shits at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk and crow. Then hawk by himself. Insight: We all sign “terms and agreements” with our parents. And never read the fine print (’cause we usually don’t even know how to read yet). Couple on top of Mt.D. Guy smiles at me. Officious worker at W.F. tells me to stop until truck backs in. I say: “And you’re the voice of authority?” He says: “Go ahead.” And I do. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Filter function of the liver may get overburdened by toxicity and result in cirrhosis. My conclusion: Truth, Life unending, always functions at the level of appropriate ability to fulfill its purpose of pristine health and immunity from error.

April 6, 2019:  AT&T down again. Anonymous call about noon. In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. Walk to G.P. Guy hitting on fashion designer barista at C.B. I don’t like him ’cause he’s not at all interested in me. Later, when they exchanged phone numbers, I go to the bathroom and think: “No, it’s not just me. He is a creep. He’s just interested in sex. So why is he talking about art?” But maybe she’s just interested is sex, too. Walk thru G.P. Four hawks overhead. Almost trip on way down from Mt.D. Realized trip and fall on March 8 probably related to seeing J. and companion on their bikes on March 31. See Steven on way into Safeway. See Myka briefly on way out. Journaling in the p.m.: AT&T (Ma Bell) is like an abusive parent. You have no choice but to take it. Internal inconsistency about my shaking in Laguna: If they (my parents) find out I don’t need them, then I’ll be all alone.

April 6 dream:  Traveling up the border of Israel. Taking most of the insides out.

April 6 dream:  Doing a thorough cleansing. Our pants are full as we enter the bathroom.

April 5, 2019:  One ring at about noon. In ’til 1ish. Go to Rincon. Cute, short young Asian guy at Ocean and Lee. Guy on K in hoodie. I sit next to him. Gets off at Montgomery Station as did I. Saleslady at newspaper store says: “Big surprise.’ Guy at Super Duper who joked:  “Now that we are partners with the Giants, A’s fans will be charged more.” About 2-1/2 hours at Rincon. Tall, well-built guy walks thru. I had no contact with him but he did affect me nonetheless. [My rule: The affect I have on somebody is equal to the affect they have on me.] S to Castro. Cute young (Italian?) guy with his mother and sister. They get off at Civic Center Station. I change trains there, too. Four young women on M who half-smile at me. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Cute, young guy with his fingers in his mouth on #35. Zeph at C.B. Also excitingly cute young Asian man joins his friends after I give him my table. See Frank and Jesse at Railroad Expresso. While journaling in p.m., remember that my mother used to call me “her little prince.” Remembered that our dog was also named Prince. Question: Am I competing with my parents?

April 5 dream:  Walking out of mostly rebuilt upper floors with Jean Evans.

April 5 dream:  Guy drives into my car. I can’t even finish putting Bernie stickers on my car.

April 5 dream:  At military lost packages center. Song about LBJ and Vietnam.

April 5 dream:  William Fennie and I run into man named Ron. He drives us to Cheetwallis(?) Alley nearby. We run into Al Haferkamp who laughs when he sees me and William among the unfamiliar faces in the car. He gets something from the back of the car.

April 4, 2019:  2:30 anonymous call. 3:30 Mind-Body discussion group. Only 4 of us. One of the women smiled at me like woman at C.B. hier. Made me feel on the verge of tears. I brought up the apparent connection between food and pain. Dr. Stracks said that was probably due to mental conditioning. I liked that answer. After group, crossing Frida Kahlo Way, I felt so proud and happy, I could barely keep my feet on the ground. Go to Arizmendi for gluten-free bread. Have chocolate muffin and latte at Peets Cole Street in celebration of Dr. Strack’s comment. Very cute sweet young baristo there.

April 4 lucid dream:  Boat to arrive at S.F. Transbay Terminal.

April 4 lucid dream:  At long banquet table, somebody says: “I think we might be bothering them.”

April 4 insight:  As a kid I felt my anger was too strong, not just at school but at home. Therefore I am too powerful.

April 4 dream:  I tell my secretary with jagged fingernail that she should take care of that before she hurts somebody.

April 4 dream:  My well-dressed male boss hangs himself.

April 4 dream:  Take test. I am first to finish. Put paper clip on papers. Take elevator down. Two students already on elevator.

April 4 dream:  A black guy tries to bully me at our table. I slapped his face and spit food at him.

April 3, 2019:  AT&T was supposed to arrive between 10 am and noon. They finally arrived at 1:20 p.m. And left about 2:30 p.m. The connection outside was faulty. (Moon wobble?) Beautiful guy walking up Plymouth. Tall, friendly black guy smiles at me in front of Ingleside library. Walk to G.P. English couple smile at me in the midst of my 1st step of Translation. Zeph at C.B. Also middle-aged woman smiled at me. It threw me off. Was she coming on to me? Reminded me of time Jane Kennedy smiled at me at 101 Market. I knew she meant well, but it really freaked me out. Relates, I think, to my mother doing the same thing. Smiling at me and expecting me to smile back, whether I felt like it or not. So I did, but iI didn’t like it. And when she died, my egocentricity was let loose and I looked at it as the beginning of my life of fame and importance, no longer the slave to motherly demands and needs. Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Henry at W.F. (See diary of February 25.) He really is beautiful . . . and gay.

April 3 dream:  Lots of physical activity. Crissing and crossing. (h.o.)

April 3 dream:  Guy screwed me three times. Final time he caught #35 bus and didn’t hold it for me. Girl came up to me thinking I was getting ready to pay for prostitution as I looked thru my change to see if I had enough for the bus.

April 3 dream:  Trish Matute was elected mayor San Francisco by six votes. I make big mistake at work. Then have nothing to do. Man and very cute little boy come into store. He says to his father: “You should tell them” or something like that.

April 2, 2019:  Call asking for John Pinkerton. She says: “Are you guys planning anything?” I say: “We’re thinking of getting married.” She says: “We can make you a gazebo.” Later anonymous call at 2 pm-ish. Mind-Body class No. 2 at 3:30. Felt really good after class. After, walk to Mt.D. Starts raining on way down. A couple of cute guys on #43 on way home. Plus one on Ocean Avenue. Did good RHS of my father in p.m.

April 2 dream:  A couple of guys on our exploratory group have become clear. That is, they no longer have a history.

April 1, 2019:  Tough nite last nite. In ’til 3ish. Young Riordan high school student in front of W.F. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Also guy who kind of looked like Charles (from CCSF Comparative Religion class). He left and I took that as my cue to leave as well. Didn’t really have time to catch up with him. But as I was throwing away my paper cup, he came back in looking for something. I said: “Did you leave something behind?” He said: “No, I’m just looking for napkins.” So I offered him the napkin container. Nice smile. Walk thru G.C.P. Then up to Mt.D. Had some side pain from chocolate chip cookie I had. Realize side pain was my father disallowing me from anything I might enjoy. Since I never stood up to him when he was alive, side pain may be giving me the opportunity to stand up to him now. Artificial tear solution at #43 bus stop. See Jared on Ocean Avenue. Catch up with him. We talk for a few minutes. He doesn’t invite me to join him at Mexican resto. I feel bad. (*Relates to shits at G.C.P. hier?) Meet baby (and father) on elevator on way home.

April 1 dream:  At party or class. I’m lying on mat underneath a few girls. Someone says I better not look up their dresses. I didn’t really want to. Guy’s thumb is injured.

April 1 dream:  Road on the way to G.G. Bridge is suddenly out. We are in yellow school bus.

April 1 dream:  Dance of the scissors starts out slow. All women and me. I am in very front row.

April 1 dream:  Four in a pod. There were only supposed to be two. Liz Andres pulled all sorts of levers to get us down. Thane said to Liz: “You did that all by yourself.” Then some Middle Eastern family upset about their breakfast order.

March 31, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walking to G.P, See someone who looked like J. on a bike. He smiled at me. He was followed by girl on a bike who smiled even more. (*Relates to 4 hawks at G.C.P. hier?) Later see woman riding alone. Not sure if it was the same woman. Talk with Walter at C.B. After, rush to G.C.P. bathroom to take an emergency shit. Then run into drummer from The Lost Church, on Mt.D. On way down, some hikers ask: “Is this the way up?” I say: “Yes.” They say: “What’s it like up there?” I say: “Calm.” Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Some memories may stay hidden due to the threat of overwhelming emotion when exposed. My conclusion: Truth is the harmonious, appropriate, straight-forward, even-handed application of power. No response at all from anyone in group about my carefully worded email about the Monday Night Group. Also Michigan State makes the Final Four in NCAA tournament.

March 31 dream:  Indians give us something. We’re not sure how to respond.

March 31 dream:  Supposed to meet Bob M. on first day of gay festival. I climb out window of guy I was “baby sitting” He’s in bed with his girlfriend. Run into Bob in the street. He’s telling me all about his Day 1. Also cute guy in white band leader’s uniform. He holds my hand a little longer than I expected. Wondered if I should stay with him. Then he motioned somebody to do something.

March 31 dream:  Well-built guy tied up I the bathtub. I feel him up as I untie him. Then I finger-fuck him and let him go. He’s mad.

March 30, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. with a female assistant. Nice day. Walk thru G.C.P. Four hawks overhead. Two guys about to set off a drone on top of Mt.D. Cute guy in shorts I follow up Bella Vista ’til I lose him. Myka at Safeway. Also cute guy in line behind me with friendly smile. Wait for him to exit Safeway. Miss #43 by less than a minute. Wait for 35 minutes for next bus. (*Relates to “You’ll Pay for That” sign from March 29?) Eating a small chocolate bar started up my side pain again.

March 30 dream:  Throwing things in the garage which is about to become an extended kitchen.

March 30 dream:  Going off to be deflowered. Guy in party hat asks: “How many are in your family?” I say: “There’s four of us. Four kids. I’m one of them.”

March 30 dream:  Talking with older woman manager of hotel about Truman Capote play. Patrick Swayze there. Then she and I are in front row of small play. I start collating something and stand in her way. She is insulted and leaves. I say: “I’m sorry.”

March 30 memory:  It was my father whom I feared at the International Date Line on our trip to Japan aboard ship.

March 29, 2019:  4 a.m. anonymous call. Two anonymous calls at about 6:30 a.m. Go to 101. Talk with my Salesforce friend from Antioch for about half an hour. We talked about “instant karma.” After 101, looked for #45 Union bus to camera store in the Marina. Got very confused (just like hier on the way to G.P. FromMt.D.) Finally find right bus stop. Platinum blonde woman from New Jersey at camera store. Very hot guy on Chestnut. I followed him to his gym and stayed long enough to see him start exercising. Went to cafe across the street. #43 home. Cute Asian guy with tight ass (in a good way) got on bus with me. I vowed to stay with him ’til he got off, which he did at Balboa Park, a few stops beyond my usual stop. Then I got off and came back on #8BX. Driver yelled “Last Stop! Last Stop!” Made eye contact with him before de-bussing. Walk up to Mt.D. and back. “You’ll pay for that” sign on #36 bus. Insight: Maybe there is a connection between disappointment with world leaders and with my father.

March 29 memory:  Listening to presidential debate at LGBT center on Market Street in 1992, I think. Cute guy rubbed up against me. He then walked out. I stayed. I said, in effect: I don’t want you to make me happy. I want my father (my world) to make me happy.

March 29 dream:  Am staying at really nice house for a little while longer. I put on a “jacket” (really a nice silk shirt). My host gets up to say goodbye. I say: “I won’t be leaving for another hour or two.” Train is just outside.

March 29 dream:  I am moved to tears with what the astronauts are doing. I’m talking with others on TV about it. How this is a big step for mankind.

March 29 dream:  Talking with guy about talking to the dead. He says I can’t talk to their memories. God has placed them in memoriam. I said that doesn’t make sense. (h.o.)

March 29 dream:  Guy says to me: “Who am I?” I say: “You are Grandma Smith . . . to me.” Earlier someone gave me a dusty hard candy.

March 28, 2019:  In ’til 2:45ish. Walk to Mt.D. from Ocean and Miramar. Hawk on Lansdale. Realize pelvic pain may be related to RHS of my mother for getting back at me for no longer needing her, and thus giving her a reason to love. Jordan at C.B. It rains really heavily just as I arrive. Guy came into C.B. and left to resto across the street. After, I went there just to check him out. We had significant eye contact. (*Relates to distant hawk from hier?) #23 to Railroad Expresso. Jesse waves hello #43 home. Cute, tall dark-haired guy at W.F.

March 28 dream:  The sign will come after a verb and an adverb.

March 28 dream:  House sitting, I say to William Fannie character: “You are the worst.” He says: “Did Alana tell you to say that?”

March 28 dream:  My father (?) saying to me: “Pull your pants down.” It felt empowering. I had something he wanted.

March 27, 2019:  3 anonymous calls in a.m.  (Also three shits.) In ’til 1ish. Go to Rincon. Insight; Not only did I enjoy whatever my father and I did but I realized I had taken my mother’s place. And that I could take my mother’s place. Think fearful reaction to kissing Cree at 1969 LSD party may relate to my fear of revenge from womankind for knowing that I (we) don’t need them. Guy at Spear and Mission I cruised who looked back at me a couple of times. 2 hours or so at Rincon. After, go to Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. “Exposed” boy (see diary of February 6) on #35. Zeph at C.B. Guy sitting next to me smiles as I leave. Distant hawk over G.P.

March 27 dream:  Tall prison building we wanted to move from Turkey to the new country. Used to be part of Central Y.

March 27 dream:  Worker gives me a new corner floor. When they leave with a few of my books, I go after them, taking back what I wanted and leaving the rest. Empty box from Rilke.

March 27 dream:  Hungry and with two young guys in store. Almost get in fight with old man. Woman at counter bets she could get 5 more cents out of me. So I buy a card to send to my father. On return address, I put “Dad.” I ask how it will get to him. She says “Just put it in the bowl.” At mention of the bowl, old man runs around in excitement.

March 26, 2019:  Had online Mind-Body class No. 1 today from 3:30-5:00 p.m. Most were from Chicago. About 12 people total. After, walked to Mt.D. Nice Asian guy crowing at crows on Frida Kahlo. Then smiles at me and calls me “Sir.” Self-absorbed couple on top of Mt.D. Insight: I may have enjoyed whatever my father did to me on his bed, in his bedroom. And maybe that’s what I’m ashamed of. Followed W.F. worker into W.F. Ordered burrito ’cause of cute gay guy who was ordering something else. As he left, he looked up and smiled at me.

March 26 dream:  Almost literally I choke on a frog in my throat.

March 26 dream: Friend of teacher is going to talk about racial(?) discrimination in and from Barrettsville, N.C. (or S.C.)

March 26 dream:  Run into Laurie on her way home from work. (She looked exactly like photo of her I had seen before). Went to Leigh’s. Talked about what movies we would see at dinner. People were talking about their nationalities. I fell asleep. Had to put in a lot of effort to make up.

March 26 dream:  Driving home from usual walk. Pope now there at remodeled building. Stop at train crossing. Two green commuter trains pass. Then have trouble seeing if there’s another train before I cross the tracks myself.

March 25, 2019:  Anonymous call at 10:30ish. 2nd anonymous call about 1 p.m. In ’til 2:45ish. Rainy day. K and J to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Buy chocolate muffin to go at his recommendation. Gay guy at G.P. library. Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. RHSing my father some more. Isaiah at W.F.

March 25 dream:  Try to get new dates for DemocracyNow and other programs and events.

March 25 dream:  Big truck drives to cusp of very big hole. Then I’m thumbing thru art book about Experiment 99A-Seventeen. Others complain I’m in the way.

March 25 dream:  Two old ladies get locked out of their place on busy street. They think I am the manager of the building even though I tell them I’m not. It’s about 2:45 p.m. They ask me to wait around a while. One of their friends is a teacher I took a course in comparative religion from last summer. He says he doesn’t remember me.

March 25 dream:  Woman in fancy dress. Her bum is exposed. I get hard.

March 24, 2019:  In ’til 11am. Go to Ft. Mason Bernie rally on #43. Dark-haired guy with Roman nose gets off at Foerster. Later blond guy with bright baby blue satin shorts. Also see “surprise” on way. Guy from Chron likes my Bernie T-shirt and takes my photo. (*Relates to CCSF hawk from hier and to “surprise” from earlier today?) Am very moved by Bernie rally. As John F. and I leave Ft. Mason, I wave to Bernie’s white SUV. (*Relates to 2nd hawk from way down Mt.D. hier?) Nice baristo on Chestnut Street. Guy wearing a gold watch I talked to while waiting for #43 Home. Walk to Mt.D. and back. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Technology will make secrets impossible and cause potential misuse of power. My conclusion: Truth is the infinite ability, infinite power of one being, one intelligence (with nothing set aside or secret), whose only potential is the crafting together of appropriate usefulness.

March 24 dream:  Roseanne (Liz Andrews) getting really mad at us for not cleaning the house her way. But Tom Arnold is going to buy the place so that is a relief. All that was left of the house appeared to be the floors.

March 24 dream:  Louise Hay is my supervisor. She says I can sit there I want to because “Donald Trump says so.” There is an empty desk. No phone. No computer. And nothing to do. I’m looking for a Chron to see if I made it in.

March 24 dream:  Free tea and coffee in celebration of fireworks last night. I didn’t go, but those who did had red marks on their necks and faces.

March 23, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry at library counter. Walk to G.P. thru CCSF. Hawk over CCSF Science building. Fashion designer barista at C.B. Also guy sitting next to me drinking regular cup of coffee. Walk thru G.C.P. Then to Mt.D. Hawk on way down from Mt.D. Steven at Safeway. Guy at aisle 7. then at checkout counter talking with Myka in front of me in line. (*Relates to hawk on Mt.D. from hier?) He told Myka he just returned to SF from Humboldt County. And he sort of jumped in excitement while talking to Myka. Feeling sad during the day. Probably about losing my relationship with my father. But thankful to J for playing the role of my father so I could go through this drama again and get it right. See “Michigan State” twice while watching Ordinary People for the umpteenth time. Shits about 12:30 a.m.

March 23 dream:  Two of us sent out of school even though we had much to do. I was supposed to learn about German cooking.

March 23 dream:  People push to keep man off streetcar ’cause he’ll arrest me for a national crime.

March 23 dream:  Sitting in big crowd. J to my left and to my right. I am holding two cigarettes. He thinks I am offering him one. He says: “That was a bad move.” The guy behind him is smoking. Earlier, houses collapses and long-legged comic character emerges walking along the street and climbing a building. It was cool to watch. Wished I had my camera.

March 22, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry at library checkout counter. Rainy day. Take J train to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Rain clears up. Walk thru G.C.P. Then cute guy, looks kind of like J., leaving Mollie Stone’s on Portola. Then toothless baby smiles broadly at me from her stroller on Rockdale Drive. Then red-tailed hawk at top of Mt.D. On way down, hawk circles me twice within 10-15 feet of my face. Then overweight friendly black dog with its owner. Insight: Not liking blowjobs as much as everybody else seems to may relate to what my father did to me.

March 22 dream:  Supposed to be designing an employee benefits website. Don’t know where to begin. (*Relates to my RHS of my father.)

March 22 insight:  My relationship with J is a repeat of my relationship with my father. If I talk to him about it, he will deny it. On my part, if other relationship opportunities come up, I defer in favor of my father/J.

March 21, 2019:  Anonymous calls at 9 a.m. and 10 a.m. In ’til 3ish. See Henry at library, in the stacks. Then whole set of keys on top of news rack on Ocean Avenue. #43 to Arizmendi bakery. Hawk over Laguna Honda. Rude woman on bus. N to Peets Cole Street. Rude guy there. #43 home early. Decide to walk to Mt.D. Get to top. Think I forgot my camera case. RHSing my father. And the trap I was in with him. Remembered sitting on his bed with my legs open and how sexy I felt walking in front of the Menlo Park house afterwards. Then my extreme relief when Dad told us he was going to remarry. I went into the den and said to myself: “Thank God. Now I can go back to being a normal boy.” (*Relates to seeing keys today. Also fall on Mt.D. on March 8?) Was my father a pedophile? Did I consider my father my lover? TMS: Lack of leadership leads to being weak-kneed.

March 21 dream:  There’s a special at resto for 60 and over. I joke with waiter that my friend is 60. Woman sitting on ground and shaking, is from Saratoga. Is also probably 60.

March 21 dream:  Tom O. or somebody comes into my room and says if I tell anyone, I’m dead. I say. “Okay.”

March 21 dream:  Bob M. and I slip thru back way to get in without paying for gay fashion show.

March 21 dream:  Returning to SF after being away for a while. Big bus following us. Guy gives command to stop here. Glad to be back. A little embarrassed.

March 21 insight:  Maybe my back pain wasn’t about J after all. Maybe it was about my father. Maybe my relationship with J is about my relationship with my father.

March 20, 2019:  Two anonymous calls in a.m. Another about 12:45 p.m. In ’til 1 pm-ish. Go to Rincon. Charles not at Starbucks. Max at Super Duper. Take F to Castro. Black guy hitting on black girl in seat in front of me. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Woman on #35 saying: “It’s over. It’s over.” Zeph at C.B. Also beautiful young Filipino(?) guy. Plus other older guy with nice ass who was checking me out. Guy on #43. Well-built. Tattooed. He waited for large semi unloading at W.F. I waited with him. When he got the signal it was safe, he signaled me as well. TMS: Anxiety is the pain. Anxiety is caused by feeling trapped.

March 20 dream:  “Unwrapping” really beautiful young man.

March 20 dream:  Bill Moyers reads the poem of a great man who just passe don .

March 20 dream:  I’m still going to school. Wondering what it will be like when I start working.

March 20 dream:  Steering wheel comes off my ’57 Mercedes Benz. Wondering whether I should pay to have it fixed. I am “dating” Roger Eshelman’s old girlfriend and wondering how to break it off with her. Go to big conference. Young girl asks me what it’s like to be working. I say: “I’m still in school.” Young boy comes by as well.

March 19, 2019:  Realize back pain is probably related to fear that my father will find out I’m about to be happy. Johann Hari on Majority Report. In ’til 3sh. Walk to G.P. Get wrong number phone call. Just after I block the number, see beautiful white man with dreadlocks. I admire him. He smiles back at me. (*Relates to distant hawk and black guy at G.B. crosswalk on March 17?) Jordan at C.B. Distant hawk at G.C.P. See two policemen walk out of Starbucks Portola. One is good-looking Asian guy whose face seems familiar. I turn around for a second look. Other policeman smiles and waves at me. Homeless guy walking down Mt.D. path dragging open sleeping bag behind him. W.F.

March 19 dream:  Changing buses. I am not liked by all. I say hi to them anyway. Am writing book about my life. Someone asks me where I’m going. I say: “California, I live there.“

March 19 dream:  Remembered bird cage I hadn’t taken care of in ages. Birds still alive. I add water.

March 19 dream:  Was at resto counter ordering food with group of people. Only I wasn’t ordering. I was making jokes.

March 18, 2019:  9 a.m. anonymous call. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Distant hawk, looking back. Go to Mt.D. Woman jogger coming up behind me gives me a scare. Still thinking about whether my father beat his wife like he beat Tom and I. Listen to Dr. Strack video: He said TMS can sometimes be caused by change in marital status.

March 18 dream:  Don’t really want to go to Hellenic play, but I stand around ’til guy asks me to go. It’s a Thursday nite.

March 18 dream:  I’m sliding down 101 in S.F. Near naked guy motions for me to stop. I keep going. Go down one steep hill okay. Then run into big hole with lots of people trying to get thru. Big black guy in half-truck, half animal waiting, bored, on a side road. Everybody, mostly overweight young women, trying to find a way thru.  (*Relates to AOL going out on me on March 19?)

March 17, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See “Believe it or . . .” on way. Distant hawk and sexy black guy at G.P. crosswalk. Zeph at C.B. When I leave, only one customer left. The ebb before the tsunami? Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Nice day. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: We are overwhelmed by excessive information, but censoring blocks its free flow. My conclusion: Truth is formless knowing, never excessive, always free-flowing. Anonymous call around 7:30ish.

March 17 lucid dream:  Little boy runs out in the street. I grab him.

March 17 dream:  Big earthquake. After, we all go to the classroom with large panel windows  and lots of 20ish students.

March 17 RHS to myself:  You were just being a self-centered kid when you said to yourself as you saw the press and the police arrive at your mother’s murder: “It’s beginning.” J. teaching me healthy selfishness.

March 17 talking to my back pain:  What are you saving me from? Answer: Him, my father. Then wondered, for the first time ever, did my father hit my mother as well? He hit Tom and I.

March 16, 2019:  Called the VA. They said I had recovered nicely from my head injury. In ’til 2:30ish. Henry at back room of library. Walk to G.P. Fashion designer barista gives me 1-1/2 almond biscottis. Read about “chemical residue” from Sarno’s Mind over Back Pain. Warm day. Walk thru G.C.P. Thinking about my TMS and what my back pain was trying to tell me. Since pain is worse late in the evening and during the night, realize perhaps my back pain is telling me I’m ashamed ’cause I don’t have a partner. As I think this, guy walking down Mt.D., says “Just the thing!” See Steven and Myka at Safeway. Talk with Myka on way out. RHS of my father. Realize he’ll never be able to give me the kind of love I want. It’s okay. I can do without.

March 16 insight:  Back pain may be related to football games and me not knowing enough about them to my father’s liking.

March 16 dream:  Me moving my spherical shits from ice box to garbage can, or something like that.

March 15, 2019:  Anonymous call about 9:15 a.m. Had interview with Dr. Strack re my TMS back pain. He asked me: “What do you like about J.?” I say something. Later, thinking it through, I think it’s because he’s uncivilized, untameable. As I was thinking this, guy on San Jose Avenue smiles at me. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Also a whole bunch of very nasty women, to quote Mr. Trump. Walk thru G.C.P. Distant hawk in the sky. Then to Mt.D. Then home. See Henry at Ocean and Lee just as I did one week ago at the same location. I told him my head wound is all healed up. He didn’t seem so sure. Gay guy at W.F. smiles at me. I stand behind him at checkout counter. There is a barrel of candy there called “Unreal.” Anonymous call at about 6 or 7 p.m.

March 15 dream:  Email or phone number of teacher union which has the info we/they need.

March 15 dream:  Walking through gay area. Guy playing with penis-shaped squirt gun. Suddenly I realize I’ve lost everything except very brief underwear. Guy says he’ll put me up.

March 15 dream:  In unfamiliar part of S.F., climbing up trail. Horse and some guys walking down trail. Guy says of horse: “He’s dead.” Then I see three mountain lions and a guy in on the kill of the horse.

March 14, 1019:  Anonymous call about 10:30 a.m. In ’til 3 pm-ish. Henry at library. Walk to G.P. Jordan at C.B. Cute, hot Asian guy walks in. I look at him intently. In fact, I can’t take my eyes off him. As he left, I looked at him directly. He returned the look. I was both coming on to him and thinking: Are you really okay with this? (*Relates to last dream of March 12.) Perhaps that’s what my TMS is all about. I’m not repressing my rage. I’m repressing my sexuality. And this explains my relationship with John as well. Walk happily thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Beautiful day. I like the new time change. Plenty of daylight in the p.m.

March 14 dream:  Cenk Ugyur following me across a large lawn to continue a conversation with me.

March 14 dream:  Jerry Brown became governor after 8 years of Gavin Newsom. Jerry had been lieutenant governor for 8 years.

March 13, 2019:  In ’til 10:30 a.m. 101. See my Asian friend (from behind). Very cold. Not one person took our literature. Nice Canadian couple (of course) talked to us at the end of the shift. Max at Super Duper was dancing to the music as he took my order. Two hours at Rincon. Read letter from Mayor’s offIce on housing. They say if I make more money that I need to move out of my BMR. Glad they think I might be making more money. On way out was thinking my “headaches” are sinus headaches. As I was thinking this, building guard smiled at me. Take J to Church. Walk to Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Zeph at C.B. Also cute blond, straight guy, I assume. #23 and #43 right away.

March 13 dream:  Waiting for people to get off the bus. Not sure they are who they said they were.

March 13 dream:  David Weinman, Bill Floyd and others bring their esoteric conversation to our front yard.

March 13 dream:  On dirt path, run across man completely covered by boa constrictor. I throw something at it. There is a puff of dust or smoke. (*The puff of smoke relates to thinking about my headaches/body aches in the shower.)

March 12, 2019:  Anonymous call about 10:30 a.m. Also call about 1 pm-ish. Insight: Maybe my back pain doesn’t relate to J, but to Trump. Walk to G.P. I sit next to a regular, a young guy I’ver never really spoken to, for 2nd day in a row. Jordan is barista. Met Bernie, the dog, at G.C.P. I throw a frisbee to him a few times. He jumps up and catches it in mid-air. And then he brings frisbee back to me instead of his owner. See Taylor at Starbucks Portola. Distant hawk on way up Mt.D. and mid-range on way down. RHS my mother on way home.

March 12 dream:  Working on myself. Then with my parents and why I have terrible relationships. It rains. Then it hails. I think: “It’s Saturday night. I’ll walk home thru the Castro.”

March 12 dream:  Locking up the boss’s car. His wife (or 2nd in command) gets in car and takes off.

March 12 dream:  Just moved to Oregon. Listen to young male governor. Don’t hear the info we need. Later he’s on a raid.

March 12 dream:  On open-air trolly in NYC. Friendly with other tourists. We go into massive indoor area with big glass colored ceiling. Someone was trying to be provocative by asking what would happen if it all came down?

March 12 insight: My back muscle grasping relates to my grasping onto my identity as coming from God.

March 12 dream:  I am laying in abandoned street. Guy comes up to me. I am tired and weak. Then we are in room all alone. I open the door. Others come in. At one point, he takes off his shirt. I touch his back. Many of us embrace. Lots of ships and other aquatic things seem to race by. I think one of the ships is the USS Mt. Baker (AE-4 ammunition ship) which I served on in the Navy. It was not, but it was a similar ship. At end, I am walking briskly, happily along rain-soaked street looking forward to seeing him again.

March 11, 2019:  Anonymous call at 9 am-ish. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Emergency at CCSF. Movie still being made on Edna Street. Owners at C.B. Beautiful day. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to Teresita to Mt.D. Guy on scooter on Frida Kahlo. He looked twice at me and vice versa. I think it’s J. Or it might have been somebody else. (*Relates to shits at Safeway from 3/9, I think.)

March 11 dream:  Resetting the clock in a well. Jesus is tied to the bottom portion. When the bell stands upright, his weight will make it go vertical. Calvin is “helping.”

March 11 dream:  In spite of myself, got excited about Prosperos at one day assembly. Especially when I found out that we had 35 students in Mexico. About 30 people there, including Perry Dickey. Guy at hostel wants to show me some brochures. He says: “I’ve been studying for 35 years. It’s time for me to get a job.”

March 11 dream:  Driving to meeting. Girl talking with other girls about how she only pretends to live in S.F. She really still lives in L.A. ’cause of her football player boyfriend. I say to myself: “You’re not so great. You’re mad at being excluded from this conversation just ’cause you’re a guy.

March 10, 2019:  2-ring call about 1 pm-ish. Walk to G.P. Begins to hail. Reaches climax when I reach the doorway of C.B. Everybody is looking outside. At first, I think they’re looking at me. Zeph makes a point of saying goodbye to me. I Translate on way home through G.C.P and Mt.D. Two conclusions: Truth believes in Itself. Also: Truth is a placebo (Latin for “I will please.”) Guy on Evelyn smiling inwardly as I admire him. See car called Moab parked kitty-corner from car called Rubicon. Policeman cruising neighborhood on walk down from Mt.D. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Insufficient skill and lack of dominion causes poor quality and state of limbo. My conclusion: Truth is limitless, limbo-less skill, super-vision, the only doing, and all that is done.

March 10 dream:  Woman I’m with doesn’t like me very much so I flirt with the other woman.

March 10 dream:  “Bodyguard” is asleep at the job. Celebrity he’s guarding is a little too full of himself.

March 9, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Young people making movie on Edna Street. Fashion designer barista there. Walk to G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Begin to feel “shitty” again like I did exactly one week ago. Not quite as bad but thankful I could get to Safeway bathroom almost immediately. See Steven in the aisles. Then talk with Myka at checkout.

March 9 dream:  Get last seat in barber shop for Thane Sunday Meeting.

March 9, 2019:  Police work is done. Now it’s time for the courts.

March 9, 2019:  Have to get to fancy house where I work. Person who gave me pouched egg takes it back. There’s going to be a debate today so the owners of the house will be out.

March 8, 2019:  In ’til 2:30ish. Go to library. Henry there! Have good conversation with him. So good to see him again. Have nice talk with Ray at San Jose Avenue liquor store about the need for meditation in the midst of activity. Zeph at C.B. He’s having a bad day. I’m reaching behind me for free paper. Having a little trouble. Nice pretty young lady helps me out. I feel obligated to her. Catch myself. Walk up Chenery to G.C.P. Cute bicyclist stops on side of road. I check to see if he is J. I don’t think he is, so I move on. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. On way down, slip and fall, roll over completely at least once and hit my head on the ground. Later at Ocean and Lee, see Henry again. He tells my my head is bleeding. I go home and clean up.

March 8 dream:  See Perry Dickey, Suzanne Deakins and Grandma Smith at hotel assembly. Suzanne is sitting next to Grandma Smith. I kiss Grandma Smith hello. (h.o.)

March 8 dream:  I volunteered to give one of Thane’s classes called “Resurrection.” I see Bernie Sanders come home. He asks me: “What do you think is the relationship between consciousness and the human anatomy?”

March 8 dream:  Guy at counter said it might be a while. I wondered how they know what I wanted as I hadn’t even ordered yet.

March 7, 2019:  10 am-ish anonymous call just as I’m getting up. In ’til noonish. Go to VA to pick up new shoes. Sweet black veteran there before me. See Jackie on way out. Guy on Anza with his pants hanging down smiles at me as he gets into his car. Strange guy in G.G.P. sort of walks right into me. Hot guy on bike in G.G. P. I wolf-call him. Then he stops his bike. I talk with him briefly. I say: “Is that a 10-speed bike?” he says: “Oh, no, it’s much more than that. “ Homeless but cute guy near arboretum. Go to Arizmendi. See Fred C., I think, on 9th Avenue. Let N train go by, but lose him. Catch 3rd N in a row to Peet’s Cole Street. Dog throws up while I’m waiting for #43 home. Then see Homer F. just as #43 arrives. Talk briefly. Weird guy on #43 smiles at me. At home, finally throw X’mas tree away. Meet cute guy with fancy tote bags on elevator. I’m way too charming! He likes me. I was just being charming! Insight: Back pain due to me pushing too soon to  finish the contract with J. before it was fulfilled. See “Lourdes” in the dictionary.

March 7 dream:  Playing a guessing game on top of building while waiting for something. Guy asks me: “How old is this piece of metal?”

March 7 dream:  Luke Perry-looking guy shows off his apartment to me. He’s got wood-paneling and then TV showing wood-paneling and then what’s behind the wood paneling. I say: “Nice job with the fake humility.”

March 7 dream:  Finished project at work. It was being printed off. Was very impressive. One woman went home early due to unexpected sad news.

March 6, 2019:  Anonymous call just as I’m taking a shit at 1 pm-ish. In ’til 1:30ish. Go to Rincon. Angry homeless black guy on K on way. I Translated. Realized he just wanted attention. Or in other words, what he really wanted was love. He got off shortly thereafter. See Charles at Starbucks Market Street on the way. Max at Super Duper. Two hours at Rincon. Take M home. Sit next to cute gay guy. He gets off at Church. So do I. I walk up to the Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Young boy on #35 seems to want my attention so I give it to him. Decide not to stop by C.B. today. Then home on #23 and #43. Cute Japanese guy talking with his friends about snow on T.P. I joined in the conversation. I said: “Probably no more chance this year for snow.” He said: “Not unless we get another cold front.” Followed his group into W.F.

March 6 dream:  Melissa moving her wet clothes out of the way so I can sleep on the kitchen counter.

March 6 dream:  Martin Luther King, Jr., liked grilled cheese sandwiches.

March 6 dream:  Hospital on 1st floor of building, giving out “Stooli” medicines to take before heart operations. I need to go to 2nd floor to take care of some business.

March 5, 2019:  In ’til 2:30ish. No Henry at library. Walk to G.P. Hear owl on San Jose Avenue. Cute blue-eyed policeman at liquor store. My substitute teacher friend Noah (from Fog Lifter Cafe) at C.B. Also Jordan. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Cute Latino guy on Portola. He kind of looked like J. so I stopped by to talk with him. I asked him what they were doing. He said they’re looking for a water main. I said, “Good luck.” Run into freelance report and her dog Sammy on Mt.D. (who I had met there on February 4). At peak of Mt.D, two or three crows flying right on top of me. It began raining. No Henry at W.F. either.

March 5 dream:  Get new shirt in clothing class. It’s very beautiful. More like a coat with a bare midriff.

March 5 dream:  I like two guys at work, even though one has large blemish or two on his back. Calvin seems me liking them.

March 4, 2019:  See “Colorado State University” online. In ’til 2:30ish. Go to library hoping to see Henry. He’s not there. Buy paper at Walgreens. Bunch of noisy, bratty school kids ahead of me in line. When they finally leave, I say: “Goodbye, kids.” One turns around and says: “Goodbye.” Then he asks me my name. I tell him. He was very sweet. Totally turned around my experience with them. Walked to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Then down to G.P. See hawk/crows on Teresita? Jordan at C.B. Leave at 5:30ish. Catch #23 just as it’s leaving. Guy on bus looks kind of like J. if J. were a lot older and in pretty rough condition. But something about the hair on the back of his head later convinced me that it was J. indeed. He got off at Foerster. I got off at the next stop and probably would have gone back to look for him but my next bus was already taking off. Later at home receive one-ring call around 6:30ish. Then two-ring call around 8ish. (*Relates to shits from March 2?  I think so.)

March 4 dream:  Getting ready for big gay parade. It’s very soon and I may have overlooked getting a lot of envelopes ready.

March 4 dream:  We do a bit of remodeling at work. One of my female co-workers says: “There’s nothing like having a queer brother.” I agree: “Yes, there’s nothing like having a queer broth. I don’t have one, but my brother does.”

March 3, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. See white dog with its owners on elevator. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Very full. Walk up O’Shaughnessy to Mt.D. Hear distant owl on Mt.D. Then sirens. Realize I should have waited for Henry hier (See diary of March 2.) On reaching home, see same white dog as I saw at the beginning of my walk. Then long-haired guy at rear of W.F. (*Relates to shits of hier? No. See diary of March 4.) Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Strong emotions can be threatening due to conflicts within person and between people. My conclusion: Truth is an open-ended, all-able, all-powerful public agreement within one private, all-inclusive individuation. Two anonymous calls in p.m.

March 3 dream:  Helping Nannie up from the table. She could hardly stand.

March 3 dream:  Hanging out with Uncle Larry and others. Happy.

March 2, 2019:  Misty day. Henry at library. He had a large pile of DVDs to process so I went to the other guy. I should have waited. Walked to C.B. Fashion designer barista there. Very crowded. Walk thru G.C.P. and Mt.D. RHSing my father vis-a-vis my standing up to Carl. Feeling more and more “shitty.” Will I make it to Safeway restroom? Yes! I see Myka but when I get to check out, he’s not there. Walk to bus stop. My double bag breaks. I go back to Safeway and get in Myka’s line. He has only one person with very few items. I say: “I guess my bags broke because of the weather.” He says: “No, probably just bad luck.” I think: “Not really such bad luck. It allowed me to come back and talk to you.” Walk home.

March 2 dream:  Male initiation rite at SFO. Guy was telling me about it. Oscar Wilde and his Swedish half-sister Beatrice were part of it. Event was just beginning and so I thought I’d stay. Woke up. It felt like something I’d read about in the Sunday paper.

March 2 dream:  Fly in for yoga with Jordan Chariton. He asks me the time. It’s 9:52.

March 2 dream:  Big decorated squirrel and small mouse in my room. I eat at outdoor cafe with Harriet and Laurie afterwards.

March 1, 2019:  Insight: Fight, flight or freeze: my back pain represents my choice: freeze. Go to 101 today. Really sweet baristo at Starbucks on Drumm. Hear guy saying: “This is just a phase you’re going through.” Go to Rincon briefly afterwards. K home. Do bills and monthly BB update. Striking woman (really a sexual caricature) at Ocean and Lee. Decided not to proceed with Carl’s reiki treatment tomorrow, and feel good about that. (*See last dream of February 27?) Couple of 1- or 2-ring calls in p.m.

March 1 dream:  We’re about 3 minutes ahead of my other group. Plan is for me to run to that group. And let them know we’re very close. And then dive in.

March 1 dream:  Deciding to go to lunch at noon. Cute, nice guy making a musical.

March 1 dream:  Walking naked back to my room in nice new place. Little boy sees me. I say: “Oh, I forgot [you were living here with your mother].” Her mother’s boyfriend comes in. He’s a very short black man. I say: “Are you going to kill me?” He says: “No. No, I’d like to kill her grandmother.”

February 28, 2019:  Anonymous phone call at 10 am-ish. 2:30 pm-ish anonymous call. In ’til 3ish. Henry at local library. Exiting library, see biracial guy from #35 hier, on skateboard on Ocean Avenue. Then run into Carl Compton at Philz patio. He’s going to give me a reiki treatment for my back on Saturday. Dark-haired blue-eyed guy at C.B. I had sat behind him. Then changed my seat to sit next to him. I think he wanted me to do more. Jordan at C.B. Walk home thru G.C.P. and Mt.D. See “Dismal” license plate on Juanita. Trip on top of Mt.D.as dog stares at me. Cute but uninteresting black checkout cashier at W.F.

February 28 dream:  Record of professional football teams ______ of reading at local gas station.

February 28 dream:  Laughing continuously with Gary Alinder at gay retreat. He was talking about not being able to get his $3,000 refund back. His head was in a small mail box and I kept trying to push the letters back in.

February 27, 2019:  In ’til 1:30ish. Take J downtown. Guy reading “Minute to Midnight.” Rincon for 2 hours or so. Asian guy smiles at me on way out of One Market. Take S to Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Little kids laughing self-consciously at one of our elder gay nudists walking up Castro. Cute biracial young man on #35 smiles at me with his eyes before exiting. Jordan at C.B. Robert (from CCSF Broadcast Media) at W.F. I followed somebody in. Robert (who is black) smiles at me. I’m in mid-look before I recognized him. He’s with Asian girlfriend. 7:20 anonymous call in p.m.

February 27 dream:  Swimming off into Golden Gate bridge sunsets. (h.o.)

February 27 dream:  Guy driving across bridge where ocean waves are crushing. He says he’s taking on a lot of water but so is everybody else.

February 27 dream:  14 or 15 black rats calmly eating on the floor of bedroom I’m sharing with my brother. I put plate on top of them and they casually leave.

February 27 dream:  Woman from beauty shop comes over. I wash my hair. She gives everybody a free sample of something.

February 27 dream:  Steve Hines tries to take part of my mattress. I stop him.

February 26, 2019:  11:30ish call asking for John. I say: “John’s not in.” He says: “We’ll call back.” Shahid Butler called around noonish re his run for Congress in 2020. Muni to G.P. Rainy day. Jordan at C.B. I tell her I like her taste in music. Read more from Mindbody Prescription. Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Young black guy to older woman on Melrose Avenue: “I hope everyone in the neighborhood is as cool as you are.” Walk thru Philz on way home. One ring call at 7:15 p.m. Back pain just before male stripper on ice video on Facebook. Insight: I always wanted to be good looking so I could refuse my mother for all eternity. Insight: Where Lucia touched me, my back pain is worse.

February 26 dream:  Attack has been thru all branches of the military. I will respond soon.

February 26 dream:  Lucid dream: Target of attacks responds. We are over distant body of water. I say: Bring it up [so it’s not so scary.]

February 25, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Rainy day. Muni to C.B. Zeph at C.B. Read more from Mindbody Prescription. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Apparently homeless guy exiting Starbucks Portola Street saying: “You’ve got to get rid of your pain before they’ll let you in, right?” Guy in tuxedo T-shirt on Mt.D. I say: “You look all dressed up.” Guy on upper Frida Kahlo Avenue changing pants. I look. He smiles. Meet Henry at W.F. He says: “What day to you usually come in?” I say: “I do my regular shopping at Safeway but come in here from time to time.” I shoulda, coulda, woulda said: “No particular days. What days are you here?” (*Relates to 1st dream of 2/24 about being stuck on a ship without knowing what our assignment was.) Feel bad. Get one ring call at 6:30ish. Two-ring call at 8:30ish. I presume from J. in response to my feeling bad about Henry. Meeting Henry a mutation from RHS I did this a.m. about feeling humiliated?

February 25 dream:  One class canceled. Another new therapist added.

February 25 dream:  Barbara Baroe sings musical accompaniment at quasi-legal school function. She hugged me. I told her: “I never thought i’d see you again.”

February 25 dream:  New blond guy works for us. I follow him to store. See Cenk on way. He follows me. Blond guy is waiting on person in store. Then he is operating on her. He asks me to cut the straw.

February 24, 2019:  Walk to G.P. Cute thin hippy guy at Diamond & Circular. Meet Clay just outside C.B. He’s Cal Poly student in plant sciences. Gave up table to talk to him. When I finished, there were two empty tables. Zeph at C.B. Read a few pages from Mindbody Prescription. Walk thru G.C.P. Feels like it’s about to rain. Then Mt.D. Thinking about my back pain and my yoga class where it started. I was so excited. I thought that my back pain was physical and that yoga was going to help me get rid of it entirely. Turns out my back pain is not physical. It’s psychological and it’s related to my seemingly never-ending commitment to having J. in my life—whether I like it or not. One ring call about 6:30 p.m. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: It can cost more to establish evidence of the Truth than there is value in the estate. My conclusion: The infinite value/benefit of the infinite estate of Truth/Consciousness is freely, effortlessly self-evident to all. One ring call at 8:30 p.m. One ring call at 8:45 p.m.

February 24 dream:  Stuck on a ship like military duty. Not sure of my assignment.

February 24 dream:  One of my young relatives, Harrison, will probably get part in movie. We drive up to home in police car. FBI also driving up.

February 24 dream:  Flying to L.A. at one half the usual speed. In L.A., nice part of the city. Looking for snack. Only find outdoor greeting card shop. Nice woman talking to me. I don’t hear what she is saying.

February 23, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Wait on sidewalk for fire truck leaving fire station on Ocean Avenue. Nice girl barista at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Trip over fur (left over from some kind of animal fight?) on steps near Melrose Avenue. Myka at Safeway. Not very forthcoming today. Memory: Young CCSF anatomy professor who had a crush on me in ’81 or ’82. I could tell from the very back rows of a large lecture hall.

February 23 dream:  Dream that J. is kind of a mama’s boy.

February 23 dream:  Am taking a shower while Marilyn D. (my first high school “girlfriend”) is at bathroom sink. My shower curtain is falling apart.

February 22, 2019:  Go to 101. Beautiful blond guy getting on #29. Cold day at 101. Cute guy in line as I exit Super Duper. We lock eyes. I defer. Then look up again. He’s still looking. Makes me very happy. Like a kid. (*Relates to distant hawk from hier on approach to T.P.?) Shortly thereafter, receive one ring call from J., I assume. (*Relates to closer hawks from hier? I assume it’s J. ’cause he and I are, as they say in quantum physics, entangled.) Don’t know if I believe in having a soul mate, but I certainly believe in soul mates with an s. The guy at Super Duper was certainly one of my soul mates. TMS believes that the body creates pain (like back pain) as a way to avoid unconscious rage which would be too much for the ego to accept. I think it could also be unconscious joy which could be just as devastating to the ego. Take N to Castro. Walk to J’s store. Feel “shitty.” Laurie H. texts me while I’m waiting for #35 in front of J’s store. Go to C.B. Zeph there. Take shit there. Get mad at older Latino man who comes into cafe and sits down without buying anything. Then see that he’s white and my anger disappears. #23 home. Cute, tall Asian guy with Levi’s enwrapping cute butt on way home.

February 22 dream:  Hang out in Oakland and like it.

February 22 dream:  Graduate from arts & crafts class. Get A. Eat too much.

February 21, 2019:  Lots of pre-recorded calls in a.m. Blank phone message at 2:52 p.m. In ’til about 2:45 p.m. Catch #43 to Arizmendi bakery. Woman there gives me extra muffin. Then Peets Cole Street. Walk to T.P. Guy on way. I say to myself: “If he walks up to T.P., I’ll follow him.” He turns around and smiles at me. (*Relates to G.P. hawk from hier, I think, which happened 10 minutes after accident at G.P. The “accident,” I think, related to J. reading this Diary about him never having been in love before.) Distant hawk on way up to T.P. Then “murder of crows.” Then couple of close encounters with one or two hawks. Then climb both of Twin Peaks. Then on to Portola Street. Beautiful gal, then cute guy from SOTA. Then Mt.D. Take #36 to Monterey. Jun off today, I guess. See Jesse just as #43 arrives. Stop by Philz on way home. View magic show for a few minute there.

February 21 dream:  In college class with Jordan and Tom O. and Nancy O. Teacher attempts (broadly) to grab Nancy after class. He denies it. Jordan and I both see it. I ask Jordan: “What are we going to do? We are going to just let him go?” Jordan says: “I don’t know. We were waiting for you to get here to figure it out [in Tom’s absence.]”

February 21 dream:  Things slow down at work. Talk to our new female boss from Ireland. (h.o.)

February 21 dream:  Back at home, neighbor woman is still cleanup up from big event that just took place.

February 20, 2019:  At 11am-ish, guy calls. Starts laughing. I say: “I’m glad you are amused.” Call about 1 p.m. when I was in shower. No message. In ’til 1:30ish. Three guys on J. Playfully turn around on exiting and connect with guy I had been least interested in. Two hours at Rincon. Beautiful guy on S on way home. He got off at Church. So did I. I walked to Castro. Wait in front of J’s store. Guy admires my Bernie T-shirt. Phone call as I get on #35 to G.P. One young guy checking out another young guy. All three of us get off at same stop. No connection is made. Object of affection joins his family at resto. Father gives me a dirty look. Cross street to C.B. Zeph there. Have cappuccino in celebration. See “Game Over” online. Wait for #23. Tall athletic Asian guy at bus stop. I ask him about accident across the street. He said it happened about 10 minutes ago. Then see hawk over G.P. Athletic guy and I get off at same stop. Isaiah at W.F. Two-ring call at 8 p.m. One ring cell call at 8:30ish. Insight: Because of shits last night at 1am, I was expecting a call or something from J. Think he chickened out. Realize J’s probably never been in love before, just as I’ve never been in lust before. That is, I’ve never allowed myself to act on my lust. Also: I used the term “Thane threshold” in email I sent to Monday night group saying I didn’t want to continue with the class.  I’m having  a real pain threshold (with my back pain).  Don’t need a “Thane threshold” as well.

February 20 dream:  Watch movie with woman in front seat of her car. Then she drives away from the movie. Then some of her older friends stop by. I see she’s older than I thought, though I don’t mind. She says: “Can you come by this place every morning?” I think: “Well, I’ll have to wait ’til next week.

February 20 dream:  Cruel boss runs an indoor fishery. We have all been recruited. Must serve a certain time. Young men and women. We are taken to fish tank. There is a liquid we are told we will have to consume. I didn’t intend to. We are all gathered around. Suddenly boss appears with an assistant. He is an old, crusty man. He says: “Fish are cruel. That’s why we must kill them.” I hear hawk overhead. Boss dives into water as does his assistant. Then one of my male co-workers dives in.

February 19, 2019:  Anonymous call at about 1:30 p.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Jordan and Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Then to Mt.D. Feeling happy. Anonymous blank message at 3:26 p.m. Hang-up at 7:26 p,.m. (*Relates to distant hawk from hier?) One ring call at 8pm-ish. Bernie announces his run for President! Shits at 1am.

February 19 dream:  At gay center on lower Market Street, I help clean up welcome desk. Someone asks where Polk Street is. I say it’s 5 or 6 blocks up that way.

February 19 dream:  Dreamt that the pain in my back is not really back pain. It’s something else.

February 18, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Run into Jon from W.F. outside my apartment building. Walk to G.P. Read from Mindbody Prescription. Sarno was talking about facial pain. Remembered “tooth pain” I had in 1991 or so. I fell to the floor in pain. Dentist said there was nothing wrong. Could have been TMS. Of course, related to J. That was the year I decided to leave S.F. and move to Oregon just to get away from him. It didn’t work. He called me up there, too, and even visited me one day, though I didn’t realize it ’til later. Go to get hair cut with Jun. He says I should keep my hair nice for “whoever I’m with.” Then walk to Mt.D. Distant hawk on top. Anonymous call at about 7:30 p.m.

February 18 dream:  Eating in the mess hall of a ship. They’re running out of seats.

February 17, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Totally filled. Big line. So I walk thru G.C.P. to Starbucks Portola. Woman there checks me out. After I sit down, I drop some things out of my pocket. So I go down on my hands and knees to retrieve them. (*Relates to hawk from February 15? That day I took an alternate route thru G.C.P. just as I took an alternate route from C.B. to Starbucks Portola.) One-ring call immediately after. Assume it was J. Beautiful young man walking by Starbucks a little later. Woman with dog on walk to Mt.D. She says: “You’re fine. You’re fine.” She was talking to her dog but I took it as a message to me. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Innovation and renovation can bring about stress, disruption and eruption. My conclusion: Truth is liberal, yielding, authority without being authoritarian, always brand new (“straight from the fire’), always off the beaten track of habitual thought and action, in fact, deconstructing, disrupting, erupting traditional ways of doing and being. Single ring call in p.m. Flying black butterfly in my living room.

February 17 dream:  Susan Sarandon says: “You might as well leave tomorrow since we’re not having sex.” I agree and leave today.

February 17 dream:  Desperately looking for Room 8. I may have already typed up the article my female boss is looking for, but I don’t know where it is. Convention of Germans. Very nice, cute guy lets me sleep in hallway the night before.

February 16, 2019:  Walk to Mt.D. Then to 583 Teresita, home of John Pinkerton, according to persistent phone calls to me. Guy with two dogs likes my Bernie-So-Punk T-shirt. Henry at library. Meet Taylor at C.B. He’s interested in international relations. I had seen him before, wearing his “Otter-woman” T-shirt. First met him on July 23, 2017 at C.B. He had a weak handshake. Try to get haircut with Jun, but he was too busy. Myka and Steven and third guy at Safeway. Steven upset with me? Really noisy kid on #43. He yelled: “Look at it.” Or it least that’s what it sounded like. Then I turned around and saw his beautiful father. We smiled with our eyes.

February 16 dream:  The country was running out of money(?) in its early years.

February 16 dream:  Worried about my Sunday talk.

February 16 dream:  Registered at fancy hotel. My “room” was a plot on the lawn outside.

February 15, 2019:  Zeph at C.B. Practically SRO. Walk thru G.C.P. Stella, German shepherd unleashed and crouched down, starts barking at me ’til her owner came along and leashed her up. Top of Mt.D. Guy laughed. He sounded like J. Three French speakers in the middle of Coventry Court. Missed Isaiah at W.F. Find out AOC has a boyfriend! RHS my father for just not being able to love me enough. Just like J. Insight while watching police show: “Yes, I’ll cooperate. I’ll do anything you want. I’ll be anything you want me to be. Just pay attention to me!”

February 15 dream:  Political woman comes out of hiding every two years. (h.o.)

February 15 dream:  Engaging with somebody even though I know he’s a fraud.

February 14, 2019:  Calvin calls in early p.m. I am abrupt with him, but not rude. Jordan at C.B. I think she’s in love with me like most of the barristas (male and female) there have been. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk over Turquoise Street. Walk to Mt.D. See “Rubicon” and MSU on Juanita Avenue. Mt.D. Home. Insight: Maybe my fear at Laguna LSD party (after I kissed Cree) related to inherited fear from my father [to do the same?]

February 14 dream:  Czechoslovakian sales clerks sell us two cheap coats that fall apart when you brush them. (h.o.)

February 14 dream:  Election is ruled null just as V.P. is about to take office.

February 14 dream:  Being part of skit in Koreatown.

February 13, 2019:  Anonymous call about 10:30am-ish. Call Carol at VA PT and tell her I want to cancel my appointments and pursue the Sarnos method instead of physical therapy. Another example of me having to stand up to a woman who is ostensibly being nice to me (as my mother was). Go to Rincon. Stop by at newsstand/chocolate store. More crowded than usual. I say to counter-girl: “This must be your busy day.” She says: “Yeah. Do you want to buy a card or some chocolate? I say: “No.” She says: “You should get her a card or some chocolate.” I say: “It’s a him. She says: “You should get him a card of some chocolate.” I say: “You’re right.” She laughs. Charles not at Starbucks. Two hours at Rincon. Take Muni to Castro. Run into Ken (of Ricardo & Ken) at Castro and Market. Walk to 19th & Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Very beautiful, hot, apparently lost guy checking his phone to see which way to go. As I finally cross 19th Street to address him, he finds his direction. On #35 find myself sitting next to “Exposed” boy from February 6. Zeph at C.B. Anonymous call in p.m.

February 13 dream:  Get a degree in S.F. school for presenting certain ___ and airing questions. I introduce class in public forum.

February 13 dream:  Hot guys in Speedos walking towards stadium. Apparently straight guy checking out one very gorgeous brunette guy. Billboard of couple of guys in Speedos reclining together. Go to stadium. Acquaintance asks me: “What’s an mmmmm-bath?” I say: “It’s where people hum the tune if they don’t know the words.” Other older gentleman starts telling us a story.

February 12, 2019:  Anonymous call at 10:30am-ish. Go to VA. See Max on way to Carol in PT. Sign at front coffee stand says: “Go to Starbucks at cafeteria in the back.” So I do. Meet cute Asian guy who smiles at me. I follow him into VA store. After, walk by Purusha and see Lucia walking with gay friend on Balboa. Walk home thru G.C.P. See Fred C. on 9th Avenue. He looks older and asks me, with concern: “Is everything all right?” Asian woman on #43 who pissed me off ’cause she wouldn’t recognize my apology for accidentally bumping into her after younger woman stood up to give me her seat. RHSing men for being more beautiful than me.

February 12 dream:  Religious guy asks: “Does he believe in our lord and savior?” I say: “No, but . . .”

February 12 dream:  Cute guy in black T-shirt escorts me to party. He stops by room with female prostitutes first.

February 12 dream:  Dad shows us “family retreat” house he bought for us. We drive in in a sailboat. I think: “Well you gotta have a family before you have a family retreat house.”

February 11, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk by Philz on Ocean. Followed cute Asian guy into Philz. As I was entering, another good-looking young man came along and we locked eyes. (Relates to hawk from hier in G.C.P. as I looked backwards?) Jordan at C.B. I met her at 24th Street C.B. in 2012. Walk thru G.C.P. MSU on Juanita. (*See diary of February 2.) As I reach peak of Mt.D., hawk flies directly overhead. Then notice another hawk sitting in tree as I descend. Get off #43 bus two stops early. Then run into cute guy at City College stop. Idea: Like the idea of divorcing family, from video of a few days ago by same guy who did video about sons being sexually abused by their mothers (Daniel Mackler). Remember how I could never sleep at cousin Leigh’s place.

February 11 dream:  Hitting people in my lucid dreams, just because I could.

February 11 dream:  Fire on top of Mt.D.

February 11 dream:  Trying to leave party with my _____, but I have no pants and no keys.

February 11 dream:  Working with AOC. I had made a demonstration at a big house.

February 11 dream:  Getting up drunk from a crazy nite of truth-telling with J.

February 10, 2019:  Zeph at C.B. Walk thru G.C.P. Hawk on accidentally looking back. Trip and fall on Mt.D. Guy on #43 as I get off. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Capitalism requires community and competition and leads to democracy and cooperation. My conclusion: Truth is the capital/principal at the base of everything, the attributes of which provide the basis of community, cooperation and our own found Self-rule.

February 10 dream:  Hard-on dream about something.

February 10 dream:  33-year-old student(?) getting paid again. (h.o.)

February 9, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Zeph there. I share Alabe.com with him so he can do his own astro chart. Two insights at C.B.: “I am not a respectable person.” quote from Joe Rogan. From Sarno’s Mindbody Prescription book: Medical authorities don’t believe emotions can cause physical pain. If they did, it would be a lot easier for me to accept as well. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D., thinking about dependence as an attribute of a person with TMS. So I asked myself: Okay, what’s the obverse of dependence? Well, independence. So I did the 6th and 7th steps of Translation: Let there be Independence. And there is Independence. Then I thought: Well, who am I claiming independence from. My father came to mind. Then it occurred to me: Maybe I need to claim independence from J. as well. Just then, nearing the peak of Mt.D., I pass a little girl trailing behind her parents. They call out to her: “Sophia.” Sophia means wisdom. I think the Universe was agreeing with my idea about independence from J. On top of Mt.D, a large beautiful rainbow. Then at the base of Mt.D., a #36 bus. Numerologically 36 = 3 + 6 = 9. One of the things the number 9 symbolizes is endings. Go to Safeway. Myka not there. At last minute Steven opens up a line. It was nice talking with him even if it was only about his tape ribbon running out. Then Myka joins us as a bagger (*Relates to Mt.D. hawk form hier? Myka was the hawk. Also rainbow from hier?) Accidentally run across “Sexual Abuse of Sons by Mothers” on YouTube. Author says you don’t even have to be touched to be abused. Never heard that before and I really needed to. Insight: Backbone. Maybe my back trouble comes from not having the backbone to stand up to my mother. Observation: Sleeping with hand around my throat. It felt like the right place but not sure why.

February 9 dream:  Thane and others at big high-level party. It’s wrapping up and I’m relieved.

February 9 dream:  Write thee pages. It is turned into a book.

February 8, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk up to Mt.D. from Ocean Avenue. Kind of rainy. Hawk after the peak. Walk to G.P. Big rainbow on the way. Zeph at C.B. We talk about astrology. #23 and #43 home. Insight: “Oberhaus” is my slave name.

February 8 dream:  J. finds my secret apartment. So I sent him one, too.

February 8 dream:  I have an upcoming date with AOC so I’m reading a book about her past loves along with some applicable novels.

February 8 dream:  Helicopter explodes. People fall out. Big ship on the bay explodes. Boss at work is being unreasonable. Women workers calmly plan to confront her.

February 8 dream:  My father going down to SF Bay to get something from the fridge. He says he wants to study the heads of people who have never had sex. And indeed there were two heads of young men floating in the bay. I wondered how he knew they’d never had sex.

February 8 dream:  Lots of naked young men and woman in gym, I think.

February 7, 2019:  Anonymous call at 1:30 pm. In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. I check out gay DVD. He gets excited when I ask him about his T-shirt. #43 to Arizmendo. Walk to Peet’s Cole Street. See Michigan State T-shirt. (*Relates to Dr. Schubiner’s TMS program at MSU. I interpret this as a sign from the Universe that I have TMS, emotionally-induced pain.) Was going to take #43 home, but #37 came first so I took #37 into Castro. Then #35 right away. Almost shirtless guy on #35 got us all very excited. Then #36 right away. Then had to run to catch #43. Stop by Pokihub on Ocean for veggie salad and cute baristo. Then home.

February 7 dream:  Working in the Castro, I go to Foley’s for a book. Two others go a block away for it. I call on phone first. Fiona Ma at Foley’s answers the phone. I forget the name of the book. Guy signals book name to me while I’m on the phone. He’s touching his ears of his earphones.

February 7 dream:  Big celebration dinner. I was so busy preparing and so happy, I didn’t get a chance to eat. So after, some friends got me a meal from food they had saved. Jimmy Dore there. Only 6 of 12?

February 7 dream:  Winning over back pain like winning a war.

February 6, 2019:  My Salesforce friend at 101. Max and Lillianna at Super Duper. Two hours at Rincon. On way home, I don’t really want to stop by J’s store. Young boy on Muni. I say to myself: “If he gets off at Castro, I’ll get off, too.” Surprisingly, he gets off. I wait for #35 in front of J’s store at 19th and Castro. Young woman with leopard-skin shoes makes eyes at me. (*Relates to shits from hier and red-tailed hawk from February 4?) #35 to G.P. Boy sitting near me with “Disappointed” T-shirt. (*Relates to me being disappointed that it was the girl rather than J. who swooped towards me?) Then guy (the boy I followed off of Muni) sitting to my left playing a game called “Exposed” on his laptop. Zeph at C.B. Female barista from hier was named Jordan. Big gas explosion in S.F.

February 6 dream:  Depressed child told she has to clean up something in her room/house. Then she has turnaround. Now I’m worried about her horse.

February 6 dream:  On train traveling thru Missouri, I know everyone on board but their doors are shut so I leave them alone. Talk to one guy whose door is ajar.

February 6 dream:  Arrive in Portland, Oregon. Take a few photos. Lots of new construction going on.

February 6 dream:  Cenk and AOC walking by, saying hello. I feel they may have a job for me. Someone orders a large cheese omelette. I wonder how they can eat so much.

February 5, 2019:  Shits at about 3pm. In ’til 3ish. Nice day. Cute Latino worker on Circular Avenue. New barista at C.B. I remember her from the Cafe Bello on 24th Street. And her boyfriend Eugene. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear hawk. Then Mt.D. Then home. Snow on top of T.P. at 3 am, according to the news. RHS: “I’m getting away with murder just by being here. I don’t deserve it. I did nothing to deserve it. Therefore I’m stealing and I should be punished.”

February 5 dream:  Lived in really nice mansion, only as soon as you got to our apartments, the floor was suddenly in need of a paint job.

February 5 dream:  Trying to write simple sentence but pen keeps going nuts. Someone says reason I can’t do something is ’cause I’m common.

February 5 dream:  Taking final exam in French. Handsome, well-built guy says his 2nd dog, a black one, is for sale.

February 4, 2019:  In ’til 2ish. Hail on walk to G.P. Zeph at C.B. Loud black woman sits next to me at C.B. for about an hour. Made it hard to read. Told myself: “There is a solution here!” Went to bathroom. Came back. She made loud snorting noise. I snorted back. She immediately looked up. Then went back to talking on her phone. Other girl smiles at me. Walk to G.C.P. It hails a bit there, too. Walk to Mt.D. Meet Heather (and her dog Sam) on top. She’s a freelance reporter. Her husband worked for the N.Y. Times. Red-tailed hawk while we are talking. Go to Safeway. Cute straight(?) guy in flip-flips there.

February 4 dream:  My shirt and khaki pants weren’t ironed enough, according to Tom O., so I asked him to iron them. He began by making a hamburger.

February 4 dream:  Giving a talk, quoting from a book called Alliance. I get lost.

February 4 dream:  In Europe, I think: “I know. I’ll teach in Europe.” Four comically uninviting elevator openings.

February 3, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Pass by my gay Asian friend in front of Ocean Avenue hardware store. Run into cute guy (looks like Jesus in a hoodie) from Ocean and Lee to Ocean and San Jose. Car almost runs into me at Circular Avenue and Baden Street. Meet Jake, a 6th grade teacher, at C.B. He thinks there should be school therapists available for each student at least one hour per week. What a great idea! Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Camper on Mt.D. has moved away. Obnoxious hetero couple on top of Mt.D. Two new guys at W.F. Young woman talks to me on stairway on way home . . . which is unusual. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Watching others play games is living vicariously. My conclusion: Truth is alive, otherless, always on watch, always a safe bet; inescapable health, wealth and happiness, for which there is no substitute.

February 3 dream:  Laura H. with those “Oberhaus muscles.” She really was strong. At very nice house. (h.o.)

February 3 dream:  Several women showed interest in a hitchhiker who felt he had to leave ’cause it was Thursday. He asked God for help. God said, “Well, you’ve got to make the right moves, too.”

February 3 dream:  Prosperos brochure titled “Wemet” which were the tenets of the school. The original title had been whited out.

February 2, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Get caught in downpour. Seth at C.B. He asks me my name. Then I learn his name is really Zeph (as in Zephaniah). Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. Myka and Steven at Safeway. Steven is stocking same shelf (near checkout lines) as last week. Myka smiles at me as I enter, then was gone when I went to check out. Caught him taking a break, sitting on bench just outside main door. We talk briefly, mostly about the Mueller investigation.

February 2 dream:  Leave house and work and come back with blue marked pieces of rock to indicate they had been changed.

February 2 dream:  On train trying to escape tidal wave. Run into people working for the same firm only in the suburbs. Cute security guard. Hope somebody would mention that. They joked about his giving them a hard time if they’re late. Person says: “It’s a whole different thing working in the suburbs then in the city.” Before: several other waves nearly ruining the important papers I was carrying.

February 2 dream:  I’m part of Mexican drug gang in L.A. Zip code 94810. Bruce Dern there. We drive thru streets fast in his crazy colorful buses.

February 1, 2019:  Anonymous call at 9am-ish and at 1pm-ish. In ’til 3ish. Rainy day. Henry at library. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. he’s so sweet, not just to me, but to many. Walk thru G.C.P. More rain. Then Mt.D. Guy in tent on walk up hill. Trip and fall on stairs on way home.

February 1 dream:  Made a promise near the Berlin Wall in 1968. It somehow relates to woman boss not telling me when I can come into work next week. One senator(?) says: “I’m your mother. You can come in on Thursday nite.”

February 1 dream:  Guy I’m walking with asks me if I’m built like a wrestler. I say, “No, but I do like to wrestle.” He sees guy he saw earlier and starts talking to him.

February 1 dream:  My roommate’s wife lives in Saratoga. Her name is Pulger. She’s a plumber. I had gotten some note about Saratoga. (*Relates to email from Saratoga High School reunion committee I opened on February 2?)

February 1 dream:  It’s my last day on the job. Woman co-worker applying ointment to my chest. She’s had back pain for 4 years. I know it’s going to be tough leaving my male boss tomorrow.

January 31, 2019:  Anonymous call 3:10-ish. In ’til 3:10ish. #43 to Arizmendi. Pick up gluten-free bread. N to Cole Street. Guy on N I talked to. He was reading Hillary Clinton’s “What Happened.” Rude older couple outside at Peets Cole Street. Finish chapter of Divided Mind. #43 home. Get off at City College stop. Cute guy smiles at me. I fallow him to W.F. He buys one bottle of wine and walks out. Isaiah at check-out counter. Insight: I’m such a hypochondriac ’cause I think it’s coming to me for my egocentric response to my mother being shot to death in front of me. I thought: “It’s beginning. I’m going to be famous.”

January 31 dream:  All settled in with new house.

January 30, 2019:  Go to 101 with JF. Pretty good day. Maybe people knew we had updated our flyers. My Asian friend at 101. Blake and Lillianna at Super Duper. Blake heads back to Maryland for a year to go to school. Leaves Saturday. Made me sad. More than two hours at Rincon, catching up on my reading. Take K to Castro. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store at 19th & Castro. (*Relates to shits from hier around 4:30pm at C.B.? Also to four hawks at G.C.P. hier?) Stop by C.B. Seth there. It was full when I got there so I moved on. But Seth looked happy to see me, so I returned and found a table right away. Nice boy at #23 bus stop got up to give me his seat. Catch #43 right away. Jesse waves at me from Railroad Expresso as I get on bus. Woman bus driver very nice to me. I immediately freak out (internally). How will I ever pay her back? (*Relates to how I felt about my mother when she would do nice things for me? Also to my back pain?) Realization: There is no God. We’re on our own. Also: My back pain is my desire to get rid of J. in my life. He is the pain in my back!

January 30 dream:  Getting all the addresses to fit on 2nd page (h.o.)

January 30 dream:  Second weekend of workshop wraps up. Our two boxes of plans were taken. I’m talking with woman as we walk out.

January 30 dream:  At volunteer work party. Rick T. is handing down books as I hand them up. I get mad at him so he doesn’t confuse the two. Thane is there on crutches. He seems happy. I don’t care what he thinks of me.

January 29, 2019:  Anonymous call at 9sm-ish. Rick Thomas calls about last nite and we talk quite a while. In ’til 3ish. Walk to C.B. Owners there. Cute young schoolboy (sucking on lollipop) smiles at me on Circular Avenue. Guy at C.B. I see later at Chenery and Diamond. Shits at C.B. about 4:30ish. Walk thru G.C.P. Hear hawks. Then see 3 or 4 circling in the sky. Walk to Mt.D. Then home. Realize earth-shaking noise from my upstairs neighbor may relate to arrogant millennial at C.B. hier. (*Relates to dream of being robbed of January 16?)

January 29 dream:  Recorded a minute of two of classical piano music for our wait.

January 29 dream:  “Gestapo Joe” created to save us.

January 28, 2019:  In ’til 1:30ish. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. Arrogant male and female millennial at table next to me. Read more Divided Mind. Walk to G.C.P and Mt.D. Young guy riding bike on narrow rail in G.C.P. RHS my mother and father and myself. Concluded that I acted like a well-behaved pet dog as a child. In p.m. really not interested in attending Thane’s 11th Hour Dispatch. I felt like pet dog saying to its masters, “I’m just not interested in this any more.” Later, Hanz called. He couldn’t quite accept that I’d left the group. Actually I had been thinking about doing this for quite a while. I think I am what Dr. Sarno calls a “goodist.”

January 28 dream:  Dave Braun to be at weekend event in now newly empty hotel. I’m supposed to be the caretake for the weekend. Some arrogant millennials hanging around

January 28 dream:  Woman making a shopping list for the house but I’m not sure she’ll be one of the new tenants.

January 28 dream:  My wrestling hold seems to be too strong for other guy.

January 27, 2019:  In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Cute Latino skateboarder and I exchange passing glances at Balboa Skatepark. Cute guy at C.B. as I was leaving. Walk thru G.C.P and Mt.D. While thinking I’d like to live in a community where people know me, guy on Coventry Court turns around and smiles at me. Cute Filipino(?) guy I made a point of noticing as he passed by me in W.F. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Concentration of wealth and information unbalances the commonwealth of individuals and communities. My conclusion: Truth is a diffuse, indivisible, Self-informed community of well-being (commonwealth), construing/elucidating Itself perfectly and equally.

January 27 dream:  Red racing bike leaning up against J’s boarded-up store at 19th and Castro.

January 27 dream:  Undercover, undergoing medical exam. Hope I won’t get discovered.

January 27 dream:  Try to send SASE for housing. It turns into fax machine. Then small European car. Before: two beautiful black-haired guys smiles at me as I walk thru grocery store.

January 26, 2019:  BART to Berkeley. Blond guy on Fulton Street. Slow-walking guy on Fulton, then Bancroft, who gave me the eye – twice. I walked up Bancroft on the other side. Go to ZeeZee Copy. Then Cafe Blue Door on way back. Woman smiles unexpectedly at me. Then I see tall guy in muscle T-shirt who I go ga-ga over. He sits down at table immediately next to where I had put my things. Then young woman came by to see him. They talked about mathematics. I think he was her tutor. Don’t know what my impact on him was, but I had some sort of impact. Take AC bus back to SF. Heavy traffic on the bridge and in SF. Due to “Right to Life” march? Walk from Temporary Transbay Terminal to Castro and Market. Walk by 440 Club. Then wait for #35 in front of J’s store at 19th and Castro. (*Relates to slipping and almost falling hier on Mt.D.?) Looks like J’s bike outside. Guy in ’69 VW bus drives by on Castro. We exchange glances. He smiles at me. Then motions with his fingers for me to smile back. I smile. #35 and #36 to Safeway. Myka not there. But Steven is. As I’m finishing up with Edwin at checkout stand, my butt suddenly feels “self-conscious.” In retrospect, I think it was because Steven was stocking shelves nearby.

January 26 dream:  “Mike & Mike vs. Mike & Mike.” Tom O.(?) being warned not to come out of the closet and scare Gamma. None of us will put up with that. Eating one too many chocolate chip cookies. (h.o. but also exhausted)

January 26 dream:  Exploring sex with someone (h.o.)

January 26 dream:  J. in circle of guys talking about sex. Asked if he would finger me, he said, “Yes.” About guy next to me, “Probably not.” About cute guy next in line, J. said, “Yes.” And I thought, “I would, too.” J. called himself a sexual denialist. I said, “What does that mean?” Then as he was explaining, I woke up.

January 25, 2019:  In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Then C.B. Read from Sarno’s Divided Mind. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Slip and almost fall on Mt.D. Stop by Orchid Cafe. Manager seemed upset. Place was almost empty. Then on to Pakwan resto. Girl there liked me.

January 25 dream:  Something about gasoline being invisible.

January 24, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry at library. I ask him: “Is everybody happy at the library?” He says, “I don’t know how to answer that question.” Walk to G.P. Natalie at C.B. Read from The History of Childhood. Horrible “contraction” on getting up from chair. Walk thru G.C.P. Then Mt.D. Then home.

January 24 dream:  Top generals agree on procedure, even Romney. (h.o.)

January 24 dream:  “The [Prospers] Center is no long the Center.” But we still send reports there anyway.

January 24 dream:  Woman’s bra floating in the pool.

January 23, 2019:  101 with JF. Blake and Lillianna at Super Duper. Two hours at Rincon. After, I’m thinking at least my severe back pain is temporary. Guy in restroom smiles at me as I think that. Try to stop by to see Aunt Joanne at W.P. again. She’s out again. Shits on getting home about 5pm. Anonymous call at 7pm-ish.

January 23 dream:  Me and others making operatic love to my mother and two other women. We are injured as a result.

January 23 dream:  Spending the night at Cathy Tackaberry’s house in L.A. before I drive back in her car. She lives right on the ocean.

January 23 dream:  “Error code 3107_____. God’s . . . “

January 22, 2019:  Beautiful guy getting off #29 at SFSU. Go to yoga. Worst part was laying down on my back in the beginning. Lucia kind of insisted on it. When Lucia asked if anybody didn’t want to be touched, I raised my hand. Still very close to Lucia, but I think our relationship has changed (as has my relationship with my mother. I no longer feel so obliged to make her feel good about trying to make me feel good. Asian Mike told me about his back pain which just went away after the muscles healed. That was a novel idea to me. Notice Jimmie from Monday night group is there.  After, woman I had been so impressed with on October 9 was not as impressive. Walk thru G.G.P. Pass Fred Cline on 9th Avenue. He’s out front criticizing young people with an older friend. Then on to Arizmendo. Still no glutton-free pumpkin muffing. Anonymous phone message from 3:02 p.m.

January 22 dream:  Buy two Bernie Sanders books. One is a sort of Science and Healthy by Bernie Sanders.

January 22 dream:  Meet sexy woman who I’m practically dancing with. I ask her, “Where are you from?”

January 21, 2019:  Anonymous call at 1ish. In ’til 3ish. Beautiful day. Walk by sushi place next to Philz. Thinking my tulpa from hier might work there. Some other cute guy. Walk to G.P. Seth there. Think of going to yoga tomorrow. When Lucia asks if anyone objects to being touched (which she always does), I’ll raise my hand. Then RHS my mother for feeling I always have to hold her up. (Thus my back pain?!?) Thane’s 11th Hour Dispatch in p.m.

January 21 dream:  Some sort of graduation ceremony. When we walked in, they said our doubles were over there. All sorts of diplomas.

January 21 dream:  Calvin working secretly on project about railroads. Me out of clean underwear.

January 21 dream:  Calvin bought two new homes, one like a ranch.

January 21 dream:  Hanging out with beautiful men I never have sex with and people I really don’t care about. Look for my hair brush and finally find it and think about taking a cross-country trip. Wondering which camera I should take.

January 20, 2019:  In ’til 2:30ish. See cute black-haired guy crossing Lee and Ocean. He smiles at me. I smile back. I watch him go into Philz. I go to library. Then stop by Philz on way back. Can’t find him. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. Get anonymous call at 4:30ish there. Walk thru G.C.P. It starts raining. I wait for #36. Try to avoid woman on walker who is waiting with me. When the bus comes, I assume she will be getting on, but she was just using the bus shelter for protection from the rain and wind. Take #36 to Monterey. Pass by Jun cutting hair. #43 home. Barney Miller sitcom on YouTube mentions 170 sandwiches (see dream of January 16.) Translation group in p.m.: Sense testimony: Harming others in order to win is immoral. My conclusion: Truth is immediate possession, automatic winning; the same throughout the Universe; whose ethic is wholeness, completeness, perfection, oneness.

January 20 dream:  Woman accuses me of not supporting efforts of high school band. I do support them, but I’m just not a fundamentalist like she is. Big crowd. High school band from Mexico enters at end.

January 20 dream:  Sweeping up meeting site on street. Then lots of rushing water. It’s a river with beautiful blue water. Then I’m on motor bike being driven by somebody else. We’re three hours away from start. And we have to take narrow path in the mountains.

January 19, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Henry and other cute Asian guy at library. Walter on bike on Ocean on my way to G.P. Guy with cute butt at C.B. Not sure he appreciated my attentions. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Then cute, well-built guy getting into his car on Melrose Avenue. Then Steven and Myka at Safeway. I told Myka I was worried my credit card may not work. He said we’d be able to work something out. Insight: Realized my father didn’t want me to be happy. Therefore back pain from yoga. Also my first trip to Paris when I asked myself: “Will I really be allowed to do this?” Then came back with melanoma.

January 19 dream:  I’m having pea soup, talking to Jeff B. who is trying to get to sleep. (h.o.)

January 19 dream:  Cleaning shit off floor, etc. Calvin interrupts me. Then Derek interrupts me.

January 19 dream:  Woman offering us different sorts of blueberry desserts at resto.

January 18, 2019:  Go to VA Podiatry. Run into Jackie on way out. She passes me on my way downstairs. And as she passes, shows me her Jennifer Lopez ass, which I’d never seen before. After, walk thru G.G.P. to Arizmendi Bakery on 9th Avenue. They didn’t have the muffins I was looking for. #43 home. Two or three very cute young Asian high school students. One kept falling asleep on me in back seat. See Justin at W.F. Then at W.F. cafe. Then in my apartment complex, carrying a pizza box. Either he lives here, or he’s visiting someone here or delivering pizza to someone here. My debit card didn’t work at W.F. Called them up and they said they stopped payment because someone had tried to fraudulently use it. Read more Divided Mind.

January 18 dream:  Everyone drives out for overnight family wedding. I’m glad I just have to drive back to L.A.

January 18 dream:  Ruth Backlund, Livia M. and two other women thank me for paying them back today.

January 18 dream:  Calvin H. about to go to counseling session.

January 17, 2019:  In ’til 2ish. Mary at library. Walk to G.P. Natalie at C.B. Table full of three middle-aged women next to me. Me having all sorts of sexual fantasies about them. Read Divided Mind by John Sarno. Walk thru .G.C.P. Guy with really tight pants on. I follow him ’til he kisses his male companion. Walk to Mt.D.

January 17 dream:  I head up Democratic Party at work. Our boss doesn’t think that the Democrats stand up for the middle class.

January 17 dream:  Get in argument with Barry Bram about cleaning up the work place. Then we just start cleaning it up.

January 16, 2019:  In ’til 12:30ish. Go to Rincon. See Charles on K on the way. Then see him at Starbucks on Market on the way. Lianna at Super Duper. Two hours at Rincon. Then stopped by Starbucks and talked with Charles briefly. He’s still at City College. Taking business classes. Hoping to transfer to UC. I told him about my “Imaginary Interviews” on YouTube. He went to back room. While I was trying to get my Imaginary Interview online on my cell, woman comes in and takes my latte and somebody else’s pastry. Fort Collins and “May 1” mentioned online in p.m.

January 16 dream:  Sent off request to give class. Not sure I had right address. Others sent emails as well.

January 16 dream:  Trying to add 1 + 1 to get to 2. Somebody had put in 170 above. Guys follow me up to floor where I live. When I see them, I realize they are robbers. I rush to my apartment (#172?). Can’t open it in time. So when guy catches up to me, I throw keys in the bushes. I yell “Help” but it barely comes out of my mouth. Wake up.

January 16 dream:  Me (and others?) stripping beautiful guy of his pants.

January 15, 2019:  In ’til 1ish. Rainy day. Go to G.P. Seth at C.B. Also Walter. Read from Sarno’s “Divided Mind.” Anonymous call at 6:40 p.m. Ray Donovan: “After the pain, there’s love.”

January 15 dream:  Have some sort of funeral. Everyone says I look a lot better.

January 15 dream:  Trip and almost fall.

January 15 dream:  Drive off cliff, but get help from lady of the house.

January 15 dream:  About to take a shower at Leigh’s. I warn everybody I’m about to get naked. House in lovely neighborhood with view of green hills. I want to move there.

January 14, 2019:  In ’til 2ish. Go to C.B. Seth there. Was going to walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D., but it began raining so I walk up Mangels Street instead. Thane’s 11th Hour (Lesson #2) in p.m. 8 of us present. One of Thane’s comments: “Understanding will only come to you at the place where you started.”

January 14 dream:  In military, in foreign country, dependent on their promises.

January 13, 2019:  Go to Assembly District 19 meeting. Woman there likes me and vice versa. Go to McD’s with JF afterwards. Young woman at C.B. who smiles at me. Seth there, too. Walk thru G.C.P. to Mt.D. Realize emotion my back pain may be trying to protect me from is my emerging heterosexuality. Starting with feelings that emerged at my yoga class with Lucia.

January 13 dream:  Fire alarm in wing of building. This time it’s real.

January 13 dream:  Giving directions to woman so they can go apologize to them. She’s been drinking.

January 13 dream:  Working in Marin. Computer takes over my project. I get help from my temporary work mate. Management gives him book about Mrs. Sarno who is a great woman who works for us. I don’t get one. Try to catch bus back to the city. I catch a #49.

January 12, 2019:  Walk to C.B. New girl barista there. Walk thru G.C.P. Down Terasita to Safeway. Myka/Steve both there. Nice to see them again. Finish Healing Back Pain.

January 12 dream:  Guy with tiny hands trying to take my apartment. He had the wrong apartment number. I loved him anyhow.

January 11, 2019:  AOL disallows me sending out BB updates as a protection against spam, they say. Oh, and I forgot to send out email to Jean re my mother. In ’til 12:30ish. Go to VA. See Jackie there. Also beautiful Asian woman at pharmacy. (*Relates to shits from hier about 3pm?) Sweat, sandy-haired guy getting on #38 on way home.

January 11 dream:  Me relaxing a bit. And having fun.

January 11 dream:  Listening to KQED. Change beck so people who just came in can hear from the beginning.

January 11 dream:  Barbara Hill asks if I want to be general manager. Later I say OK. And she says, “Okay, but only because you don’t understand the overall system.” In very nice coastal part of San Francisco.

January 10, 2019:  “This is the last stop.” message on J train on way downtown. Go to French Class for Madame Morel’s discussion, en francais, of Paris during the Occupation. Cute black female receptionist. Shits at Keycafe on Polk Street. Guy on Hayes likes my TYT T-shirt. Note in window of J’s store at 19th & Castro. Can’t quite read it from #35 bus. Go to C.B. Natalie there.

January 10 dream:  New woman comes in. She asks about the sleeping arrangements.

January 10 dream:  Phil Fukuda waving from a distance, ready to get back to work.

January 9, 2019:  In ’til 3ish. Beautiful black man with huge Afro. I see him at Ocean and Lee. Then get off #29 when I see him again. He smiles at me as I get off bus. Cute white guy on J. Gets off at Powell. Looks around like he’s lost. Guy at Super Duper who looks like Josh from Crazy Ex Girlfriend. Go to Rincon. Nice odor on leaving.

January 9 dream:  Job interview with new tech company. They put me thru a lot of paces just to get to the interview site. They really went through my whole life. Seemed the whole company was there.

January 8, 2019:  Jean’s life reading. My response to my mother: “Too little. Too late. I don’t want your support from the other side, and frankly, I can’t feel your support from the other side, which is exactly how I remember my childhood. When I shared with you my dream of somebody trying to suffocate me, I think that person was you. Maybe not actually trying to suffocate me, but at least emotionally trying to suffocate me. And your mother’s support? She specifically wrote into her will that Tom and I were to get nothing, all because she was mad at my father for not letting her see us. And speaking of men, I do have a man in my life who’s kind of like Dad, entering my life backwards. But I love him, and that’s enough for me for the moment. You brought your disturbed family history into our family. Your real father abandoned you and your foster father apparently raped you and that had no effect on your own family of a husband and two sons? And that’s what I was looking for, some acknowledgement of what happened in our family, or what didn’t happen. So I’m glad everything’s fine for you on the other side, but I’ve still got to deal with my rocky past which partly includes your rocky past. But I’ve got to recognize my own childhood commitments to you. So I thank you for giving me this opportunity to say, No more support please. No more love. No more looking over my shoulder. I’ll take it from here. You can go about your own business and I’ll go about mine. And let’s hope that somewhere in that business we find and access and utilize the divinity within all of us.” Take couple of hour nap afterwards. Then walk to C.B. Same new female barista there. And others.

January 8 nap dream:  Trip to France is still on.

January 8 nap dream:  Getting a little too close to group of men I’m not sure I wanted to be with.

January 8 dream:  New younger sister and her puppy Martha. Both very cute.

January 8 dream:  Church shut down for being too “bright.” Some people happy about that.

January 7, 2019:  Woke up late again, but did a little release of my mother, realizing that she was only an out-picturing of my own distrust of this world as compared to the world where I came from: God, heaven, whatever you want to call it. In ’til about 2:30 pm. Walk to G.P. New barista at C.B. Very cute, friendly woman. Walk to Safeway. Cute guy entering home on Monterey. We exchange glances. Friendly checkout girl at Safeway. Talk with Jesse briefly while waiting for #43. Thane’s “11th Hour Dispatch” in p.m. I found him off-putting, to say the least.

January 7 dream:  Asking Uncle Nick for help with my back. He takes me to his bedroom and lays on my back. We hold hands.

January 7 dream:  After woman friend gets help from guy she doesn’t know, she invites him over for beer and a movie at 8pm the next night.

January 6, 2019:  Rainy day. Go to Walgreen. Then W.F Then home. TR group in p.m. Sense testimony: Structural distortion causes pain and may oppose rehabilitation. My conclusion: Truth/Wholeness is unopposed, unopposable, undisturbable, the only Cause, the only Effect, effortlessly rehabilitating Itself at every moment. Melissa wanted to open up general conversation as to what I was doing for my back pain. I shut that down.

January 5, 2019:  Get up at 11:45 am. Kind of drugged from NyQuil I took last nite. Go to drug store, then W.F. Then home. Rainy day.

January 5 dream:  Woke up in the middle of the night. I couldn’t breath. It felt like someone was trying to suffocate me. Was it my mother?

January 4, 2019:  From Pam R.: The word back is defined as “the side of something that points away from the direction of movement.”In ’til 3pm. Seth at C.B. He brought my drink over to my table. Walk thru G.P. to Mt.D. Beautiful guy with two dogs on Chaves. Orange cat on Mt.D. Cute gay guy with 3-year-old dog on top of Mt.D. His dog wouldn’t jump up to pedestal to see the view of the city. I said, “Looks like the view is not that important to her.” He said, “I don’t blame her. It’s a big jump.” Whole Foods loudspeaker: “Wishing you a happy new year and a happy new you.” Prepare questions for my mother and father for Tuesday’s reading with Jean M. Get sick in p.m., I think in preparation for reading on Tuesday.

January 4 dream:  Detectives wrapping up the case and leaving town.

January 3, 2019:  In ’til 3:30ish. Go to Arizmendi Bakery. They’re still Muffin Nazis – only one person to help out a whole roomful of customers. Go to Peets on Cole Street. Cute barista named Daniel there. Much back pain. Tell JF I cannot join him for SF Berniecrats in p.m. Bratty kids on bus on way home, fighting over candy from Mama. Finally I yell out, “I want some!” They quieted down. Probably relates to my childhood (and my back pain). I would never have had the nerve to be that bratty (at least openly). Maybe I mentioned this before: My solution to the race problem was to get a black boyfriend to fuck me for seven months. My resolution to my family problem was to allow my mother to fuck me, so to speak. ’til she was killed when I was 8 years old. Then I allowed by father to fuck me, so to speak, ’til I left the Navy. Never opened up for the option of my own joy. My happiness would equal disaster for family balance. This all relates to J., Cree, etc., etc., etc. and my back pain.  One of the most profound experiences I ever had in my life took place one afternoon in the ’70s. A group of us were talking in the hallway at the 1441 4th Street Prosperos center in Santa Monica, CA. I had said that I was trying to figure out what somebody else wanted in a particular situation rather than what I wanted. Billye said something to me that clicked. Billye said to me, “You always do that.” And in my head there seemed to be a literal clicking as I went backward in time and applied this insight to incident after incident from my past.

January 3 dream:  Nancy and Laurie and Leigh(?) think it’s a lot of fun to spray water at Tom’s sleeping bag. I turn it on them. They ask if I think they should clean the back steps. I say, “I don’t give a shit.”

January 3 dream:  Imagine in my dream getting together with J. in the streets of Paris.

January 2, 2019:  Anonymous call at 9:15 am-ish. 101. Came up with expression TMJ: Too Much Joy in place of TMS: Too Much Shit or Tension Myoneural Syndrome. Guy at 101 tells me twice, “You live in heaven” (vis-a-vis the corruption in Brazil and Venezuela.) Go to Castro after Rincon. Then to G.P. Bus driver at one points asks, “Do I turn right here?” There’s only three of us on the bus.  From the back seat, I yell, “Yes.” Seth at C.B. He downplays his farewell to me from hier. After, waiting for #23, strange woman yells at invisible entity near her, “Get off me! Get off me!” And she physically tries to get away. Later I realize maybe that was meant for me. The hidden emotion I no longer allow myself to feel: that I’m stuck with J. for the rest of my life. I moved out of state in ’92 to try to get away from him. He followed me there. By ’97, when I recall feeling the first pains in my side, I knew I had no hope of escape, so I moved one block away from where he lived. When I began yoga a few months ago, I hoped I could finally loosen up my lower back muscles. Only things got worse. Because I still had the unacceptable state of affairs I was trying to hide from myself. Only my body wouldn’t allow me to forget my pain. It only intensified it. So my pain, on the one hand, being trapped by J. and, on the other hand, forever losing him.

January 2 dream:  Dropped some toothpicks. My job was to take care of them. Someone asked me if I wanted a job where I could always be the same person. I said no.

January 2 dream:  Front door is open. Someone is standing there. I panic and take off my shirt(?) before I respond to him.

January 2 dream:  Woman in clear swimming pool with big hair not happy with men. Diagonal line of naked women and men swimming towards me. The tits of Missy Mae touch me. Everyone giggles.

January 2 dream:  Three good-looking guys come to our place. Lots of excitement (real and feigned) among the women. One of the guys had some freshly baked pies. I ask him if he baked them himself. He says yes.

January 1, 2019:  Kitchen light on when I get up. Strange. Do bills and BB. In ’til 3ish. Seth at C.B. As I left, he turned around from what he was doing to say good-bye to me. (*Relates to big hawk from hier?) Anonymous call at about 7:45 pm. Came up with alternative meaning of John Sarno’s acronym TMS: Too Much Shit.

January 1 dream:  Practicing law, writing an argument. I moved down two seats to accommodate somebody. Maureen and Kathleen M. both there. I convinced one of them about an idea I had about Hawaii.

January 1 dream:  Want to borrow $200 from guy. He says, “I just bought you dinner.”

December 31, 2018:  After searching for a cure for my back pain in Walgreens unsuccessfully, I walk to G.P. See large hawk at CCSF. Natalie at C.B. Even though she’s not attractive, she makes me feel attractive, which I like. But that puts her in a position of power over me, which I don’t like. (*Relates to my relationship with my mother?) She inadvertently tells me she’ll be getting off tomorrow at 2pm. I think of her and me and get hard. On way out of C.B. my back pain is giving me a hard time. Black woman who I had disliked immediately when I first saw her was very solicitous of me. Ongoing TR workshop in p.m. Ben joins us. Insight: Maybe I really am exceptional And I fear that I will not be able to meet everybody’s expectations. Later in p.m.: Happy that I get to take charge of my own back healing.

December 30, 2018:  Realizing it’s not just the infantilizing God I created as a child, but also my infantilized view of man as well and my inflated view of myself. Later felt grateful, emotional sense that my back pain would be resolved. Went to Castro around 2:30ish. Stopped by 440 Club to bide time before 4pm dinner. Ran into Jim B. (Saw him there last time on 10/12/18.) He looked very unhealthy. Dinner party with Ricardo, Ken, Gonzalo and Antonio. Ricardo at one point, when we were talking about what we want the next year to bring, said to me: “A new boyfriend!” I agreed. Back pain very severe in pm. Realized it followed a very fun evening. I was coming out of myself (without booze) just like I did at the yoga classes. Just like I did with J. in January of /87 and Cree in Laguna Beach in ’69. Then the pain. When I realized that, the pain subsided a bit.

December 30 dream:  J. explaining to someone that he is no longer interested in me or something like that.

December 30 dream:  Went out to lunch. Water from bay was rising. Hang out with people at a hotel. They seemed like a fun-loving group. I asked if they were entertainers. Cathy Koslover was part of their group, I think. I asked if Cathy was part of their church. Then the mood changed. Someone gave me a bill for $3. I had forgot my wallet but I had enough change, I thought. Cathy was saying she thought she knew me.

December 29, 2018:  After a wonderful night’s sleep, woke up with the term “infantilizing God” running through my head. But still feeling back pain and a few back spasms in a.m. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to Arden Wood in West Portal to visit Aunt Joanne. Found out she won’t be there ’til January 19. Go to Peets W.P. Continue reading John Sarno’s back pain book. Hot guy comes in and hangs out, waiting for his coffee. I get excited thinking about him. Shortly after, he leaves to go sit in his car. I head up Ulloa Street. Woman, son, with dog, smile at me as I’m wondering if J. could feel my excitement about guy at Peets. Walk to Mt.D. Another mother and son, both with dogs, smile at me on way down. Then Safeway. At checkout, both Steven and Myka are at adjacent checkout stands. I need to choose which one I’ll go through. At first, I choose Steven’s line but realize I cant’ do that to Myka. So I get in Myka’s line. Later Steven asks me to move my cart so he can reach something. He acts like he doesn’t know me. Miss bus stop on way home. Follow guy into W.F. Nothing. Back pain worse than ever.

December 29 dream:  Working at new place. Note sure of my hours so I ask. Nice people but I’m not sure what Im’ supposed to do.

December 29 dream:  Getting ready to go on a flight to London, I think. It’s 4:30 pm and the flight was scheduled to leave at 3 pm.

December 28, 2018:  Got up early – 8:30 a.m.! Went to dentist’s. “Monster” homeless black guy on K on way in. Then cute Asian guy at Church Street station smiles at me. My back is much worse today and I assume it’s because I went to yoga yesterday. Had difficulty getting into and out of dentist’s chair. Walk to the Castro. Buy Chron and NY Times. Owner says beginning January 1 they will no longer sell any newspapers there. We started talking about Paris and how everybody reads the news there and newsstands were plentiful. He added that when people go to cafes in Paris, they don’t open up their laptops. Walked to G.P. Three or so women smile at me. Little child on Farnum Street calls me Poppa! Natalie at C.B. I shared table with guy who told me Bernie Sanders was related to Larry David, famous for his Bernie Sanders impression on SNL. Walked home most of the way. Took nap. Started reading Healing Back Pain, John Sarno’s follow-up to Mind Over Back Pain. He says much back pain is caused by TMS (Tension Myositis Syndrome or Tension Myoneural Syndrome) which is the unconscious mind’s way of trying to avoid unpleasant and unacceptable emotions by giving us back pain instead. As I said, I assumed my back pain was worse since I went to yoga yesterday. After reading his book, I thought maybe it was TMS. As I said hier, I was really having fun hier at yoga. And that, as I was taking a pee, I was like a little kid, excited to get back to my friends and our camaraderie. So fun was my unacceptable emotion! My first experience with side pain happened in ’97 after having had a hot chocolate. Then whenever I had anything sweet or even sweetish, like a latte, over the last 20-30 years, I would feel pain. Whenever the possibility of sex (fun) comes up, I defer. Sure this relates to my childhood and feeling that having fun would probably jeopardize my standing with my family, specifically my mother before she was killed and my father after that. Also having fun might place in jeopardy my standing as a “child of God.” (*Relates to last dream of 12/27 about guy worrying about the “shadow.” Is God the shadow? In the Imaginary Interview with Myself YouTube video I just did, I warned against giving God a personality, making God in the image and likeness of man.) Remember LSD experience of 1969: I was talking to the most beautiful man in the room at a party at Laguna Beach and then we started kissing. Later I sat on the couch and started shaking like a leaf. I was having fun and then feared for my life. Remember my high-five with J. in January of 1987. I was at the same time ecstatically happy and absolutely terrified. (*This whole realization relates to the owls (insights) over head I saw on Mt.D. on December 21 and also to the three women smiling at me earlier today, I think.)

Dream of December 28:  Students at Paris academy are now treated as equals with the others.

December 27, 2018:  Anonymous call at 2pm-ish. Got X’mas card from Aunt Joanne saying she has moved to Christian Science retirement home in West Portal. Go to Carl’s yoga class. Everything closed on Balboa Street. I even thought the yoga place was closed at first. Class was fun. Nothing too painful. At one point Carl asked us who had been officers. Only Greg, the goofiest one amongst us had been an officer in the U.S. Air Force. I took a pee in the restroom afterwards and couldn’t wait to get back to my comrades and our camaraderie. Walk to 9th Avenue thru G.G.P. Arizmendi Bakery closed. (Merry Christmas everybody!) Take #43 home. Cute guy at W.F. cafe watching Ju-jitsu demos on his laptop. As I examined him in passing, he smiled self-consciously. He had on big earphones. Otherwise I may have attempted to converse with him.

December 27 dream:  Guy says he’ll leave the group if anybody mistreats the woman suspects. I say, “I don’t care.”

December 27 dream:  Me and a guy’s sister kissing all over him. He is naked and laying on his stomach. He seems to like it. Then he says he doesn’t. He said the shadow would know.

December 26, 2018:  101 with JF. Then Max and Blake and Letticia at Super Duper. Max says, “Stay amazing.” Blake kind of ignores me. 2-1/2 hours at Rincon. Take F to Castro. Catch #35 right away to Glen Park. Seth at C.B. #23 right away. #43 pretty soon. RHS in p.m. Hear the word “Strip!” React to it. I have RHSed this many times. Feeling sexually abused by my mother in some way, but without a specific memory. Finally, I just say, “Oh, to hell with it. I don’t care what you did me.” And that seemed to do the trick. Jerk off in p.m. Causes return of some back pain.

December 25, 2018:  Got up in a.m. Turned on radio which I rarely do anymore. KQED was playing the end of Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. I wept. I was most affected by the thought of Tiny Tim, who represented to me, I think, my own emotionally crippled self who was left alone in the world at my mother’s murder. (*Relates to first dream of December 22 in which Navy officers on a pier are thrown into the muddy, choppy waters of the ocean.)  In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to W.P.  Everything closed. Two hawks and a crow on way up Ulloa Street. Stop at Starbucks Portola Street. Meet Jason, young Asian guy who is studying to be an ultrasound technician. On top of Mt.D. several people. Two guys playing loud Christmas song. I ask, “Is that Frank?” They excitedly reply, “Yes.” Go to Orchids Cafe (Asian resto) for take-out meal. Cute guy there I had met before. Anonymous call at 8:30ish in p.m.

December 25 dream:  Send out out invitation.

December 25 dream:  Supposed to take some chocolate-flavored candy which may also kill us.

December 25 dream:  Accidentally take woman’s cigarette pack along with barely begun letter with beautiful handwriting. Black woman nearby says, “It ‘s just a bunch of pretty lies.” Old beat-up guy tries to blame me after he got burned by his own cigarette and trying unsuccessfully to take me with him.

December 25 memory:  Memory of Gary Tombleson (vis-a-vis my mother). How I didn’t want to disappoint him by going off with guy who showed interest in me after class I presented at Gary’s invitation.

December 24, 2018:  Almost finished Imaginary Interview with Myself. Just one more final run-thru. Painful a.m. Walked in rain to C.B. at G.P. Natalie there. Still raining. Take #23 and #43 home. Listen to John Sarno on back pain on YouTube. Insight: My back pain may have something to do with Lucia. Maybe the forbidden feeling, the one my back pain is trying to distract me from, is my love for Lucia (or my mother)? And my hope to avoid being abandoned again. So the pain did have something to do with yoga but not in the way I thought. It had to do with my yoga teacher, not pulling muscles during yoga practice. Quitting yoga would have been a way to prevent me from experiencing the shame I felt at my mother’s death again. And also the surge of victory I felt at her death.

December 24 dream:  People at party making some of us do a lot of work. I got out. Talked to father who showed me the lay of the land.

December 23, 2018:  In ’til 4ish working on Imaginary Interview with Myself. Should finish tomorrow. Walk to G.P. on kind of rainy day. Seth at C.B. Walk and #43 home. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Our conscious and unconscious beliefs can make us rich or poor, sick or well. My conclusion: Truth is totally believable Consciousness, the only cause, the only effect, the only Reich, with all the accoutrements concomitant thereto; being useful, worthy, and busy, according to the will or wish of Itself.

December 23 dream:  After some event, some of us go to eat at resto which features Ronald and Nancy Reagan. I say, “I’m so glad to meet you” I’m such a Republican.” Then Melissa tells them something I really did to help them.

December 23 dream:  Looking to buy some mushrooms. Someone shows me all kinds of other hallucinogens.

December 23 dream:  U.S. Steel wants to better its public image.

December 22, 2018:  Call at 11ish. No one on the line. Drop coffee again. It doesn’t break this time. Call at 2:50 pm. No one on the line. In ’til 3ish. Seth at C.B. at G.P. Meet young Ph.D. student. He’s in first year studying comparative literature at Princeton. Studying for course in Latin. He went to SOTA (School of the Arts) in S.F. Knew of Isabelle Barbier [daughter of my cousin Leigh Barbier], “But I never spoke to her.” Walk thru G.C. to Mt.D. Then Myka at Safeway. He told me he’s working more at Safeway since his 2nd job as a paramedic was cut back due to the federal shutdown. At bus stop home, woman comes up to me and tells me of huge coyote she just saw down the street near Safeway, which apparently I just missed.

December 22 dream:  People on movie set in S.F. depicting some other location. People standing in a row to block out the view of S.F. I try to get my camera so I can take a picture. Navy exercise is underway. Then called off though it is too late for many officers. They have already run down the pier into the water and many are swimming to safety. Then guy inside building with powder on him. He warns woman about it. At first she doesn’t believe it’s dangerous. Then she sees it all around her.

December 22 dream:  Go to resto. Leave my bike resting against a tree. See someone take it. Go after them. Their car has an out-of-state license plate. Then car becomes a store. I go in and yell, “Bike thieves!” One of the thieves was my brother, Tom O. I tell store manager, “I don’t know what he’s doing, but that’s my brother.” Look thru wallet for my driver’s license. Then remember my key was taken yesterday and I left my driver’s license there.

December 21, 2018:  Decide to get reading with Jean Malanaphy. She reaches people who have already died. I don’t know whether I believe in all that, but I need to resolve something with my mother, so one way or another, this will be good. Made good progress with Imaginary Interview with Myself. In ’til 4ish. Walk to C.B. in G.P. Seth there. Walk thru G.C. in the dark. Then thru Mt.D. in the dark with my cellphone flashlight. On way up, pass three young guys with flashlights on their way down. On top, hear owl. Then see two big birds fly over head. Owls, I presume. (On the longest night of the year, at the highest point in San Francisco.) On way down, feel someone tugging at my arm, but it might have just been the bushes. Thinking of prospective reading with my mother. And also how I used to always get fucked by Jimmie, my black boyfriend in the 70s. I was doing my part for race relations with Jimmie just as I was doing my part to stabilize my family with my mother. Me to my mother: I can no longer be your water-carrier.

December 21 dream:  Went outside to hear marching band practice. Took my drum major baton with me. One little boy came up to me and said, “I don’t think I can play this. I’m too short and I’m out of breath.” There were about 10-15 students. And one adult jazz sax player.

December 21 dream:  I was on a path alone. Then there was a wolf, and some bears in a stream very close. And I figured, “Well, now I’ll experience what it’s like to be eaten.” And then I was safe. Later my father(?) told me how proud of me he was. He said, “And you. You’ve been doing all kinds of things I never thought you could do.”

December 20, 2018:  Hangup call at 1:45ish. Work on Imaginary Interview of Myself. In ’til 3ish. Natalie at C.B. I sit next to whiney girl. Walk thru G.C. to Mt.D. Hear scary growling noise. Then see nice man passing me on my left. I say, “HI.” (*Reminds me of the dark form I saw on Mt.D. on December 14.) Later cat on Mt.D. I flash my cellphone flash light at him. He freezes. Then, when I try to take a photo of him, he moves on. Nice young black guy on #43 on way home as I was checking out beautiful young Asian guy. Isaiah at W.F. “John Harrison” on Mary’s Floyd’s GoFundMe site. (*Relates to 1 a.m. shits from hier?)

December 20 dream:  Someone wakes me up by laying on top of me. I suspect it’s J.

December 20 dream:  City building built with funds from BART, so says my companion. Later AOC wears a shirt, tries on another one of my old plaid shirts and looks great. (h.o.)

December 20 dream:  Many of us lived in this big single room. Obama said we had to more right now and take our furniture with us. New furniture would be provided.

December 20 dream:  Get off train station in Chicago to inside of beautiful church called Church Across the River. Looks like they’re setting up for a service with a brass band. I’m racing around in a wheel chair.

December 20 dream:  Looking for Swiss embassy. Woman walking ahead of me offers me pills.

December 19, 2018:  J. calls at 9:30 am. (*Relates to dropping coffee cup hier and not being able to go back to sleep this a.m.) Go to 101. Very sweet guy with X’mas balls necklace. 2-1/2 hours at Rincon. K to Castro. Cute young French horn player and cellist play Auld Lang Syne. I walk down Castro. Guy smiles at me excitedly as I pass 440 Club (J’s hangout). Then I realize he’s excited by my punk Bernie T-shirt. Take #35 to C.B. in G.P. See “wedding gowns” on cleaners window as I get off bus. Seth at C.B. Plays “Volare.” RHS of my family. If my mother really did sexually abuse me as it feels to be true, then the whole family took part, at least unconsciously. Maybe even my mother’s murder by a so-called friend was not as surprising as everyone made out. “Mystery light” in the sky on 10pm news. 1am shits. $125 donation to OccupySF.net via PayPal.

December 19 dream:  Am moving back into dorm with Patrice Rohmer and others. My guidance counselor is black. I am half-black. (Still trying to figure how to access PayPal account.)

December 19 dream:  New job working somehow in show business. My brother Tom O. (I call him Tommy) finally joins us. He shakes my hand but doesn’t look at me in the face. (He is young, dark-haired, not at all like my waking brother.) Lots of people around.

December 19 dream:  Guy stops by with some dusty accessories to the camera that Tom O. gave me.

December 19 dream:  Lots of beautiful women at party. One tells me I look like a movie star. I say, “So do you.” And she does.

December 18, 2018:  Coffee cup falls off dresser and breaks. In ’til 1:30ish. Go to yoga. Lucia, Max, etc., there. Meet Juan. Good to see everybody again. Walk home via G.G.P. Then #29 home. In p.m. think of woman at Jordan’s wedding banquet who I connected with but went no further (after getting X’mas card from Jordan). I feel somehow in debt to Jordan.

December 18 dream:  Get in fight with rich guy I’m working for.

December 17, 2018:  Go to my bank in Oakland. As soon as BART goes into tube, lots of noise, loud music, scary black guy. Then he walked down the aisle and seemed kind of sweet. See Phil Diers on Broadway on way to bank. Oakland in general seemed abandoned and scary. Take NL bus back over the bridge. F to Castro right away. #35 right away. Pass by J’s store. Cute little boy gives me high-5 as he leaves. #23 right away. Talk to Jesse at Railroad Expresso. #43 right away. TR workshop in p.m.

December 17 dream:  Two guys kiss.

December 17 dream:  Group of people return from long trek, to my my small room. Amy Goodman dancing with guy she’s attracted to while still interviewing him. Hugh John wants to use my bathroom. I find light bulb for him.

December 16, 2018:  Jerk off. In ’til 3ish. Rainy day on and off. Seth at C.B. Walk home on Monterey Blvd. Guy approaching me: African American-ish, perhaps homeless, without umbrella, kind of cute, kind of dangerous. He looks at me openly. I give him a hard look and keep walking. Another tulpa? J. calls around 6pm? Watch Michael Moore’s “Where to Invade Next.” Someone is singing Volare in the DVD just like they were singing it hier on Mt.D. Translation group sense testimony: Work ethic can result in a spasm of excessive expectations. My conclusion: Truth is limitless, infinite energy, yet with always the appropriate force and with always the appropriate expectation.

December 16 dream:  Left Charlie Sheen’s dinner party ’cause it was past midnight and we still hadn’t eaten. Drove quite a way (near the beach) and realized I forgot my suitcase so had to drive back.

December 16 dream:  Meet up with three Japanese guys in office building after hours. I have on new corduroy blue pants which fit me well. I say goodbye and a whole bunch of office ladies get on. Then some guys. One is surprised to see a hooker.

December 15, 2018:  Do “Imaginary Interview with Myself.” About 30 minutes. In ’til 3ish. Henry at local library. Seth at C.B. in G.P. Walk thru G.C. Hawk flying to my left. Hear owl. Walk to Mt.D. Woman with dog, singing Volare (to fly). Later at peak of Mt.D., stern woman, unapproachable, alone in the dark. Another tulpa? Steven at Safeway.

December 15 dream:  Laura H. trying to be friendly with me. I’m not having it.

December 15 dream:  “Millions of us ran with Geronimo to be among men.”

December 15 dream:  Make it to Gwyllm party by 2pm. Some naked and near naked men and women in theater group, wrestling in the rain. I look through my bag to make sure I have all my stuff.

December 15 dream:  Beautiful shirtless guy kills himself, just like in DVD I saw last nite.

December 14, 2018:  Shits around 2:30 pm. In ’til 3ish. Sort of rainy day. Walk to C.B. in G.P. Seth is back! Yay! Bump my head on tree in G.C. Walk to Mt.D. Realize guy in Closely Watched Trains who dies after his first sexual experience could be a metaphor for all of us. I mean, something (our childhood, our naiveté?) does die after we become sexually aware. But what if you become sexually aware before you are ready? Start RHSing my mother who I suspect of having abused me sexually. When I reach peak of Mt.D., see medium-sized black form scurry into the bushes. Think it may be tulpa of the anger I still feel about my mother. (*See dream of December 10 in which young woman wouldn’t give me a memory because I was too young.) Realizing the other side of worshiping the men in my life was that I wanted to humiliate them, to bring them down to my level. Bump on my head relates to John F. blaming me ’cause he misinterpreted notification about OccupySF website?

December 14 dream:  In second Prosperos center, they have about half as big a library. This is where I am now volunteering.

December 14 dream:  Woman angel floating in the air. Male angel comes up to meet her.

December 13, 2018:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See Carl and C.J. at Philz’s patio. Decide to walk on. Help older man push large heavy box into his hallway on San Jose Avenue. Go to C.B. (*Guy there relates to calico cat on Mt. D. on December 10?) Go to G.C. Hear owl. Get excited. Continue on to Mt.D. Hear cure for my back pain on Joe Rogan YouTube with Dr. Andrew Weil: John Sarno’s book: Mind Over Back Pain.

December 13 dream:  Picking through the garbage to see what I could use.

December 13 dream:  Was with some guy friends. Had to take a shit. Wanted to take a shower or a bath to clean up. Told my friend I was going downtown to take a bath. Only my downtown friend lived in N.Y.

December 13 dream:  Pacific islands connected to New Zealand, etc.

December 13 dream:  Fly from Europe to N.Y. Get off plane and am surprised that my house is so close. Get back on plane headed for L.A.

December 12, 2018:  Anonymous call around 9 am. Cute homeless guy at 101. Blake at Super Duper. 2-1/2 hours at Rincon. Blank phone message when I get home. Insight: I didn’t move to SF to be close to my father. SF was my father. (3-point shot from last dream December 10 relates to my response to Muhamed email and his response back to me.)

December 12 dream:  Filling crossword puzzle while trying to understand someone on the phone.

December 12 dream:  Trying to avoid my cousins for some reason. Finally, they burst in spouting off some kind of play, apparently so in character that they don’t see me.

December 12 dream:  Big waves coming in. Old man and I try to get out of the way. He’s asking me about a math class which has been divided into 1-1/2 units each.

December 12 dream:  At party, talking about guy who got up at 2 am to go to work. He died ’cause BART wasn’t open at 2 am.

December 12 dream:  Maureen M. having trouble with her pregnancy.

December 11, 2018:  In ’til 2:45ish. C.B. in G.P. See Closely Watched Trains DVD at G.P. library. It’s story of young young man in World War II who finally has his first sexual experience, only to be killed by the retreating Germans. Think it somehow relates to me. Then see truck with “One True Love” writ large on its side. J? Not sure. Walk thru G.C. Hear owl. Walk to Mt.D.

December 11 dream:  My friend picks me up in his car even though my glasses are covered with paper and I can’t see. He drives me to motel. We check in. He says the assistant said she’d get a really nice room for us since we worked on the election(?)

December 11 dream:  Driving to Jennifer, GA, for that small-town feel, in convertible. Big truck hits us from behind. Stops us but doesn’t hurt us. Photo shoot next. Girl wearing custom-made jeans.

December 10, 2018:  In ’til 2:45ish. Walk to C.B. in G.P. Then walk thru G.C. to Mt.D. Calico cat on Mt.D. Then down home. Briefly hear owl. Remember owl from G.C. several days ago which I forgot to write down. (*Relates, I think to work and insights I’ve been having about my relationship with my mother vis-a-vis Lucia and Melissa.) Catch #43 home. Girl in front of bus looks at me intently several times. Then gets off. Then young woman who looks like AOC. Then young high school man from Riordan. Then beautiful woman on Lee Avenue. Ongoing Translation Workshop in p.m. News of San Jose’s new “Grand Central Station” really bummed me out. The SF Transbay Terminal was supposed to be the new “Grand Central Station.” Insight: My father expected loyalty. In return he would give us (Tom and I) love.

December 10 dream:  Woman friend wanted to report sexual abuse. I went after her. Running out to catch her, I pushed thru several middle-aged ’50s-type women. I called her name: “Karen Porter.” I say, “Did you want to tell me something?” She says, “No.” I say, “If you ever do want to tell me something, please do.” She says, “No, you just have to be old enough.” I say, “I’m old enough!”

December 10 dream:  Helping out or hoping to help out two young male writers in my new town.

December 10 dream:  I see smoke. Follow it to basement where someone is using incense in some sort of cleansing ritual. Make 3-point shot in basketball.

December 9, 2018:  In ’til 2:30ish. Real estate lady on Ocean Avenue giving me the eye. (*Relates to feral cat from G.G.P. on 12/6?) Walk to C.B. in G.P. As I leave, I look around and catch the eye of beautiful young blond guy. (*Relates to “murder of crows” from December 6?) Walking thru G.C. I get excited thinking about him. (*Relates to spider on his web from December 6? Me being excited as an effort to lure J. into my web?) Walk to Mt.D. Trip and almost fall in the dark on the way up. 372 Cresta Vista guy (from November 26) and his dog walking on Bella Vista. Cute guy going in to Iyengar Yoga on Monterey. Translation group in p.m. Sense testimony: Greed fuels volatility in the personal, political, and financial milieu, threatening peace of mind. My conclusion: Truth is peace of mind; always satiated, always satisfied; fueling Itself with ever-flowing, even-flowing experience; managing Itself; accounting for Itself in every milieu; being inoppressibly One. Feel bad about Melissa ’cause I tend to bow to her wishes or what I think she might want. Just like I did with my mother.

December 9 dream:  We are covered in ants, red ants. I plead with woman who is part of the establishment: “Don’t do it.”

December 9 dream:  Jim Priest (high school football star) in Paris. Invites me over to his table.

December 9 dream:  Being a teacher. Remind two students that they are to exchange desks on Tuesday.

December 8, 2018:  In ’til 3:15ish. Walk to G.P. C.B. Walk to G.C. Cute guy in blue shorts facing me with a bent-over smile. He’s putting on his shoes and socks. (*Relates to hawk from December 6 at JF’s place?) Walk thru G.C. Feel excited. Like howling. A few minutes later I see a coyote cross my path. A few minutes later I heard him howling. Try to howl back. Walk to Mt.D. Then to Safeway. See Myka talking with fellow gay man. When I check out, Myka continued conversation we were having last week, about some 97-year-old guy who smoked and drank all his life. Waited for the #43 bus with hopes of running into Jun. He wasn’t there. Saw 2012 Swan Lake by Matthew Bourne on YouTube. Brought me to tears.

December 8 dream:  Family reunion. It’s 10 am and everybody arrives just before I have a chance to get away.

December 8 dream:  Waiting in line to apply to become an FBI agent. There’s a couple of other things I am supposed to do today and they cut other people ahead of me. One guy came in drunk. There are three of us still waiting.

December 8 dream:  We kicked out roommate who had set up a torture chair.

December 7, 2018:  Anonymous call at 9:30ish. Head to 11am “restorative” yoga class. It was packed. And not very restorative. I mean, it was just like any other yoga class I’ve taken. After, re-meet Ryan who I met at June 2, 2018 class. Woman at reception wanted me to ask her out. Walk to Inner Sunset via G.G.P. Feral cat on way. Then about 15 really nice kids out on an adventure with their backpacks. Guy at Arizmendi Bakery asked me to use slips when I put muffins in my bag. That pissed me off. Since I was the only person who was going to be handling them, what difference does it make? Muffin Nazi! #43 home got there right away. I was only person on it ’til one guy got on a few stops later. Run into Carl Compton and his cousin (or nephew) C.J. at Philz. We talk for over two hours. C.J. Left home in Sacto to start new life in SF. Hawk while we’re talking. C.J. asks Carl: “Which is worse: rape or murder?” Carl says rape, because it really kills you inside and you can no longer stand up for yourself. Rang a note with me.

December 7 dream:  Black guy resting his hands on his black girlfriend’s breasts, while talking to her.

December 7 dream:  Billye Talmadge, Tom C. and others on break from class. I drop some batteries. Tom helps me pick them up. We are creating a model Western town which may be attacked. Billye says, “We haven’t worked hard today.” I disagree.

December 7 dream:  Last day of school. Many are going out to eat. I see someone come in who’s sick just to be here. Woman in cafeteria underwater with her mouth open.

December 7 dream:  Bottle of ketchup exploding.

December 6, 2018:  Gorgeous day today. Take #43 to John F’s place in The Presidio. See hawk outside of JF’s place. Then CSU online at JF’s place. After meeting, we go to Presidio Bowl to eat. Young woman smiles at me. Later beautiful young man I had been looking at passed through me and John walking out. #43 to Haight. Beautiful blond man on Haight. I get off bus to get a closer look. Can’t find him, so then walk to Castro from the Haight. Then on the G.P. Murder of crows at top of Castro. Spider and web on upper Diamond. Woman smiles at me on Diamond, just before young guy on Diamond smiles at me. C.B. Henry at library. Blank phone message when I get home.

December 6 dream:  Working with photographer, editing online.

December 6 dream:  Take shit. Toilet clogs. Beautiful woman’s head and shoulders emerge.

December 5, 2018:  In ’til 2ish. Go to Rincon. See Tom Blair on K train. Cute Asian guy shaking his T-shirt, apparently after haircut, to get all the hairs out. At Rincon ’til almost 5 pm. Beautiful guy on L on way home. He got off at Van Ness. Joked with woman on K on way home from W.P. She was offering candy to her son across the aisle from her and I jokingly held my hand out as well. She really liked that. Later got into discussion with two other women about Laguna Honda. Finished X’mas cards in p.m.

December 5 dream:  Dr. Nancy and I are in newly wallpapered office. She left home because someone was acting up.

December 5 dream:  A basket top with Bette Davis face on it had special power. The girl it was made for didn’t want it. I say, “Well, I don’t owe anybody anything. I’m leaving.”

December 5 dream:  Dream of TV show where the characters can fly.

December 5 dream:  I make friends with female prostitute. II tell her she looks nice as she goes on a date. I go to 10th floor for date I have with someone.

December 5 dream:  Creating French-English, German-English and Spanish-English dictionaries.

December 5 dream:  Poster saying “I’m tired of children, her(?) and television.”

December 4, 2018:  Phone call with sing-song Chinese recording relates to hawk at Balboa Park hier? In ’til 1:30ish. Run into Malcolm Cecil (my CCSF Digital Media teacher) on Ocean Avenue. Another hawk today at Balboa Park on way to G.P.? Run into Walter at C.B. We talk about 1-1/2 hours. Seth there also. He gives me dirty look, I think. Climbed thru G.C. (Glen Canyon) to Mt.D. and home. Begins raining on Mt.D. Worked on X’mas cards in p.m.

December 4 dream:  Hillary Clinton giving a campaign speech about wholeness and beingness. I’m drinking milkshake which had gone bad since I let it sit.

December 3, 2018:  Anonymous 2-ring call at 2:45ish. In ’til 3pm. Was waiting for call from Roomily but forgot to turn on my cellphone. Will try again tomorrow. Walk to G.P. Hawk at Balboa Park? Seth at C.B. Walk thru G.P to Mt.D. to home. TR workshop in p.m. with five of us.

December 3 dream:  Wounded countrymen from little-known country hide out in building, getting ready for the next day’s actions. (h.o.)

December 3 dream:  I was house-sitting. Young Paul Fortis and smaller child were bunkered down in walk-in closet. They came out when others came to get me.

December 3 dream:  Going to Candlestick Park. The ocean is so clear you can see thru the water. One guy walked on it. I swam over to steps. Animals in the water didn’t bother me. A beautiful young man was on the steps, facing out. I say, “How do you get in?” I see his navel but don’t want to stare at it.

December 2, 2018:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. He asked me how my weekend was. For some reason, it threw me. Things did seem off somehow. I think it had something to do with the post on sexual promiscuity which I posted on the Bathtub Bulletin. Walk thru G.P. Then thru Mt.D. and home. Translation group in pm: Sense testimony: The human impulse to have greater power can have disastrous consequences to those with little power. My conclusion: Truth is heaven pulsing through everyone/everything, reigning over Itself with absolute authority. Remember woman on Oxford Street in London who was so nice to me, giving me directions to Hyde Park, where I met beautiful dark-haired man sitting on a bench. Think there was a connection between the two events.

December 2 dream:  Guy (or two) got away from party at Saratoga house. He may have committed child abuse.

December 2 dream:  Go to my old apartment building on Turk Street. I asked manager if he had any mail from my old Apt. 263. He was very nice and we seem to be forming a relationship. He takes me to other office where he goes in and shuts the door. We (me, a very friendly pit bull, an older woman and others) are waiting for him to give us free tickets to a 3 pm show. It’s already 3:01. Woman wants me to knock on door. I don’t want to.

December 2 dream:  Calvin driving up hill in San Francisco in a pink Cadillac while I walk up same street.

December 1, 2018:  Single ring anonymous call in a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. See my “Oregon State” friend from November 20 outside C.B. He was with his wife and baby child, all in orange, OSU school colors. Walked thru G.P. to Mt.D. Steven and Myka at Safeway. Steven and I had more of a connection even though he simply walked past me while talking on his cellphone. Motherly woman I saw, who I felt a debt to. Small but loud group of well-dressed partiers (sounded German) gathered around fireplace in courtyard. I had to remind them that there are other people living their lives who they should keep in mind. (*Relates to Tom O. dream of November 29?)

December 1, 2018:  Preparing for next interview/video. Return from lunch and all kinds of bells and sirens are going off. Everyone is standing around trying to get online. Someone said, “Everyone is trying to download ‘Cindy.’” At lunch guy tells me to stop eating sandwich. I don’t, even though it’s some kind of meat that’s not very good.

December 1, 2018:  Wall of preemies.

November 30, 2018:  In ’til 2:30ish. Go to P.O. in W.P. No line. Calvin calls. Go to my chiropractor. He realigned my spine and gave me hope that I could return to yoga. All for only $30. Back to W.P. to buy X’mas cards. Then walk home via W.F.

November 30 dream:  Had a successful Sunday Meeting. Got together at about 9:10 pm to plan for the next one.

November 30 dream:  Circular cake. We put in protein by cutting it into slices and letting the air in. Woman suggests we add jizm as an appetizer. I wasn’t sure whether we were supposed to like that idea or not. I think Thane was in the group of eight or so surrounding the circular cake.

November 29, 2018:  Guy with beautiful legs and short pants who I had seen a few days before when black woman on corner stopped him at Ocean and Miramar and said to him: “Sorry to bother you, but I just had to tell you that you have beautiful legs.” And he does. #43 to Arizmendi Bakery at 9th and Irving. Picked up two loaves of gluten-free bread (which tastes like cake). Then took N out to Sunset and caught #29 home. Crowded bus. Sat near uninteresting looking guy watching his cellphone. Then suddenly he became interesting looking. We noticed each other. And I think I made him happy. He certainly made me happy. Got home. Decided to walk up to Mt.D. Beautiful white (I think) guy with dreadlocks on Melrose Avenue. We greeted each other. On way up and down Mt.D., I think about my identity as a “sexy guy.” I ask myself, “Even though it feels good to feel sexy, is it my real identity?” Realize my “sexy guy” identity, though fun, is just like all my other identities: concocted, invented and ultimately unreal. Then old guy smiles at me. I smile back. Then feel like hitting him. Two ring anonymous call at 6ish.

November 29 dream:  My father approaches somebody to try to save a project. I didn’t think it would work but it appears to be working.

November 29 dream:  Tom O. is forced out of our apartment. He comes back thru back  door to get some of his things.

November 28, 2018:  Anonymous call in a.m. In’ til about 1pm. Lucy & Henry at library. It’s Mary’s last day. Construction guy in pink shirt at Ocean & Miramar. Guy at Rincon sitting near me. He changes seats. I approach him. He gives me dirty look. Then when he meets woman he was waiting for, gets very happy. Anonymous call at 3:15ish. Leave Rincon about 4pm. Head to California Historical Museum to see photos of early L.A. and S.F. Cute Muni driver smiles at me unexpectedly with his eyes. Walk to 7th Street. See old friend from Market Street gym on K train. Couldn’t remember his name, but he was a writer and 12-step meeting attender. Buy X’mas tree at W.F.

November 28 dream:  Am in line outdoors. We ask Melissa if we can use her toilet. She says no. Then in kind of ghost town with Bob Gillespie (from Pillsbury Madison & Sutro) and four others. We are trying to confront and deconstruct each other.

November 27, 2018:  In ’til 3:30ish. Walk to G.P. in rain. Cafe Bello. #23 home. Stop in and talk with Jun for about an hour. At end we get playful and he kind of backs off, though he did give me small Lao-Tzu statue. (*Relates to rat from Mt.D. from hier?) Roy Donovan (on the DVD Roy Donovan) was abused as a kid, too. Was Tom O. abused?

November 27 dream:  Trying to hide chocolate bar from other guy so he is not tempted to eat it.

November 27 dream:  Brad Pitt has a hand-size hole in his shirt below his neck and in his shorts on his upper hip. I put my hands in both places.

November 26, 2018:  J’s brother calls pretending to ask for J. in early afternoon. In ’til 3:30ish. Finally almost finish my Imaginary Interview. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. Walk thru G.P. to Mt.D. See rat scurry away from me in the darkness. See 372 Crest Vista guy and his dog at same place I saw him two nights ago. And just as I was thinking about him. Two rings at 6:20 pm. And then two more at 6:25 p.m. (*Relates to rat running towards me on Mt.D. hier.) Monday Nite Group meets. Decides to begin 5-week ongoing Translation workshop, followed by Thane’s 11th Hour Dispatch on January 7. (Taking Richard Branam’s advice, I’m giving my backache to the Universe.)

November 26 dream:  Trying to climb up a really vertical hill. Stones and concrete start giving way. Also preparing envelope for billing. Addresses are in pencil.

November 26 dream:  Get check in the mail for $70,000.00 thru an insurance co. It’s made out to Michael Overhouse. The word “astrology” is written in the memo. Later I attend a Vietnam memorial dinner which I had attended at least once before.

November 26 dream:  Obama almost leaning on my shoulder for inspiration.

November 26 dream:  Doing promo for school founded in 1968. Al H. drives me and other guy thru remote part of S.F. I wished I had my camera. We’re in a very small car. I can barely see outside., but we are nearing the towers of the G.G. Bridge. Guy I’m sitting with pokes me playfully in the groin.

November 25, 2018:  One ring this a.m. In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. C.B. very crowded. Nice, tall, smiling young man with dimples leaves, making room for me. He puts a bottle of white liquid in his jacket. I say, “Is that milk?” He says, “Yes, it’s Saint Benoit Whole Jersey Milk. It tastes like cream.” I seem incredulous that anyone would carry around a bottle of milk. He says I should try it. I say I will. Seems like we hit it off right away. Walk thru G.P. to Mt.D. Rat runs right at me down the middle of path in the dark. I screamed. Catch #43 after running after it. Girl gives me interesting/interested look as I get on. TR group in pm. Melissa relates to skunk from hier. Before TR started we talked about 80,000 Yemini children being starved to death by Saudi Arabia blocking their ports. She doubted story ’cause she hadn’t seen it on CNN or Fox News. She was ready to spray me with her tail but I changed the subject. Sense testimony: Human relationships are often limited by tribal allegiances and lies and confusion. My conclusion: Truth is “heaven born” being, bearing allegiance to the Lord (Consciousness/Beingness), a roaring success in the melding cauldron of infinite Consciousness/Beingness.

November 25 dream:  JFK is assassinated again.

November 25 dream:  Meet hustler in men’s room. Then shit on myself accidentally. But it’s not too bad. Just my arm. Try to help guy.

November 25 dream:  See J. in gay parade. He’s with his “protectors.” Later he turns into 18-1/2 year old with dark hair who lives w/me and my family and works with me. He enters lottery and gives me his lottery receipt saying he did not win.

November 24, 2018:  Several short fire alarms this a.m. at home. Two rings around 1:45 pm. In ’til 3ish. Mary at library. Her last day is Wednesday. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. Homeless man there talks to me about Bay Area housing prices. Walk thru G.P. to Mt.D. Skunk at Mt.D. Wasn’t skittish. Had his tail up. I had to yell at it so it would scamper away. Guy and dog from Cresta Vista who I had seen on October 19. Beautiful, hot Asian gay guy at Safeway. I cruised him openly. He enjoyed it. I made kind of a wolf whistle noise as I passed him in the aisle. But I didn’t stop and talk to him. Later made a 2nd approach, but he was gone. After, as I approached my bus stop, the #43 was just driving off. So even the Universe thought I missed the bus. I walked home lugging my groceries with me.

November 24 dream:  Starting out on 2nd trip to France in the last few weeks.

November 23, 2018:  After another night at Leigh’s with only a couple of hours of sleep. Get home around 8 am and napped for 4 or 5 hours. Anonymous phone call in early afternoon. In ’til 3ish. Go to W.P. Walk up hill to Starbucks Portola. Sat across from cutest guy in the place. Was going to buy N.Y. Times. Woman barista said I didn’t have to pay for it. Went to restroom. Thought, “How am I going to contact this guy?” Then I thought, “Well, you could talk to him.” Went back to table. Noticed his Warrior’s hat. I asked him about the fight between Durant and some other superstar. We had nice conversation. He has a beautiful smile. Walk to Mt.D. in rain and home. #43 right away. Go to W.P. Then to Pakwan resto. Sweet counterperson there.

November 23 dream:  Setting up a system of voting for the military government.

November 23 dream:  Small fire underneath car we could see from our resto table. I went out and told them, “When you start the car, it goes out, at least briefly.”

November 22, 2018:  Painful night last night. Bed was too soft, I guess. Phoebe, le chat, follows me around like I’m a rock star. Catch up on BB and OSF websites and emails and this website. Walk to Peets Cole Street. Then to a nearly empty Haight Street. Walk through G.G. Park to 9th Street and back home via Parnassus. Looking forward to everything getting back to normal tomorrow. Contemplating Rilke’s quote: “How we squander our hours of pain.” This Thanksgiving felt like an hour of pain for me. So when email came around from fellow Prosperos students saying how grateful they were for this and that, I responded “Bah. Humbug.” Felt good. On Friday, November 23, I sent Leigh an email asking to be taken off the availability for cat-sitting. So I stood up to both my Prosperos family and my traditional family. Felt good.

November 21, 2018:  Go to 101. Decide to stop in at Starbucks on lower Market Street. My barista was a very sweet young man who seemed familiar to me. But I meet a lot of sweet young men. Anyhow, he seemed confused about my order so I said, “Are you new here?” He said, “No.” Later he said, “Didn’t I take a Comparative Religion class with you?” I said, “Oh, yeah. Charles?” Thankfully, I had remembered his name. In class he had made a point to come up to me after I read something about some Muslims throwing gays off a roof. Saw Blake at Super Duper, though I didn’t go in. It was raining outside (clearing the air after two weeks of “unhealthful air”) so John F. and I met indoors at Rincon. On #29 home, guy with bright yellow shoes. As I exited bus, I noticed how they matched the color of the poles. So I said to him, “Your shoes match the décor.” He smiled and laughed. Moved in to Leigh’s for two days. Met Phoebe, le chat. Tough, painful night sleeping. Therefore, not many dreams

November 21, 2018:  Car on stakeout outside Bob M.’s home.

November 20, 2018:  One phone ring at 9ish in the a.m. Walk to G.P. with face mask on. 18 y-o blue-eyed guy at C.B. undergoing interview for college. We make some sort of connection before his interviewer arrives. While he is being interviewed, I meet and talk with Patrick who is wearing an “Oregon State” T-shirt. (*When I see something about my alma mater, OSU, I know I will have some breakthrough about myself.) Breakthrough: Realize on bus ride home that there’s a part of me that really doesn’t care about how I look. If I really cared, I simply would have been more good-looking, like J., for example.

November 20 dream:  Vans of glass. I ask if I can help somebody up.

November 20 dream:  Extended family gathering to view home movie about family. Just before viewing, everyone decides to go outside and look at an earthquake fault. Then the two of us left decide to start movie.

November 20 dream:  Guy challenges me to a drinking/fighting contest. I deck him without drinking.

November 20 dream:  My roommate (Tom O.?) moves furniture and the room looks a lot roomier.

November 19, 2018:  In ’til 3:30ish. Worked on Imaginary Interview. Got first half done, mostly. Walked to G.P. with face mask on. Seth at C.B. We talked about “Drake & Josh” show. Guy on #23 home. Then followed guy who got off #43. Sent email to Lucia saying I would take some time off from yoga due to back pain. Later felt bad about disappointing her. Like it was my job not to disappoint my mother.

November 19, 2018:  Finishing up something.

November 19, 2018:  Cleaning some really dirty industrial sinks. Alex G. was a doctor, spouting off arcane medical words.

November 19, 2018:  Driving up to the mountains for a day. Stop half way. Take a pee. Other guy walks in. Grandma Smith talks about day of “madding” in England.

November 18, 2018:  In ’til 2:30ish. Recorded Imaginary Interview with Socrates, Jesus and Oscar Wilde and their significant others. Go to library. On way out, friendly woman midshipman in uniform unexpectedly smiles at me. (*Relates, I think, to my work on the Imaginary Interviews.) Seth at C.B. kicks out troublesome customer. He told me about “Drake & Josh” show online on my way out. Stop by Jun’s on way home. He had no customers so we talked about maybe ½ hour. He said internet did not come to China until CEO of Alibaba came there about 20 years ago. Shits on getting home at 5;30ish. TR group in p.m. Sense testimony: An unleashed ego can act in a cancerous, invasive fashion. My conclusion: Truth is the one Ego unlimited, unleashed, the embodiment of androgyny, happy in its wholeness.

November 18 dream:  Two points shy of something.

November 18 dream:  Taking a pee at work at nice house, with lots of other people.

November 18 dream:  Ride to top of mountain with lots of old buildings in bus with ornamental priests as icons.

November 17, 2018:  In ’til 3ish. Slightly better air day. Walk to C.B. with face mask on. Woman barista there who I don’t know. Walk to Safeway with face mask on. Pass Jun cutting hair. He’s facing the other way. Look for gluten-free bread at Safeway. Ask worker. He doesn’t know. Then see Steven. Ask him. He says, “Yeah, we have it.” So I look and find it. Later as I’m checking out, I tell Steven, who’s nearby, that I found it. [As background, when I first started shopping at this Safeway several years ago, I had the choice of two empty checkout stands. One woman invites me over. Steven was at the other checkout stand. I said to woman, within earshot of Steven, “But he’s so much cuter.” Then I went to Steven’s checkout stand. That’s how I first met Steven.] Shits when I get home about 5:30ish. Trump visits Paradise. I feel love for him in spite of myself.

November 17 dream:  I’m part of the English war effort.

November 17 dream:  I’m not bankrupt but I’m looking into info about bankruptcy. Girl and I preparing event called “Amen to the World.”

November 17 dream:  Riding bus to outskirts of S.F. My hosts get off. I didn’t make it in time so had to wait for next stop.

November 17 dream:  Hillary Clinton on the 10 “No’s” of journalism.

November 16, 2018:  In ’til 2:30ish. Another “very unhealthful” air day. Come up w/new Truth Syllogism: “God is that which is so. That which is not God is not so. Therefore God is all that is.” Seth at C.B. He’s moving in tonight to his new townhouse at Park Merced with four other roommates. Get call from Lisa in Santa Cruz. She hooks me up with Santa Cruz realtor, or so she says. (*Think J. put her up to it.) Today, SF, Sacto and Stockton were the most polluted cities in the world! Yay! We’re No. 1!

November 16 dream:  Fascists Just Take: My friends pretend to be fascists. I have to see what fascism is in myself before I can knock it out of them.

November 15, 2018:  Bad night last nite w/lower back pain. Decided not to go to yoga today. Air is “very unhealthy.” You could smell it. Henry at library. Cute gay couple at Walgreens. Stayed indoors after that. Paradise fire is biggest natural event in Bay Area since ’89 earthquake.

November 15 dream:  Big dance coming up. A lot of women will go together but not all women are “Daddy-blamers.” Some will go w/young boys.

November 15 dream:  Staying at Aunt Joanne’s house. It’s morning and she’s waking us up. It’s our last day here. One of her young children is playing a game with me. I ask Joanne, “How many children do you have living here?” She says, “17.”

November 15 dream:  Rushing to pay phone to beat woman who was also rushing there. It got there first. Forgot phone number to place of work.

November 14, 2018:  101. Cold and smoky. On way to Super Duper, beautiful young man with blue eyes and nice smile. He seemed like an old friend. Customer at Super Duper smiles at me. Rincon for 2-1/2 hours. K home. Blank phone message from 2:35 pm when I get home. TR group in p.m. Sense testimony: Housing certain people has become beyond their financial capacity to pay. My conclusion: Truth is one house in infinite manifestation, one being in infinite personification, all of which is paid in full.

November 14 dream:  Finished first two steps out of four to transfer my printer to a new location. Hanz and others I used to work with want to have dinner w/me afterwards.

November 13, 2018:  Anonymous call at 8ish in a.m. In ’til 1:30ish. #29 to yoga. Met Max, French guy, musician, yoga-teaching girlfriend. Very friendly guy. Sitting next to him, I later realized, was Asian guy from 11/1 and 11/8. Went to La Promenade. Met Gallon, Giants fan. We talked baseball. Lucia and others at yoga. We all talked about “somatic therapy” beforehand. Walk to Judah w/my face mask on. #N and #43 home. Woman at W.F. smiles at me. It knocks me off balance. Beautiful young man as I left.

November 13 dream:  Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez being taught by head of school. She reaches into her purse for a contribution. I give $1. I say, “Don’t get carried away, Ocasio.”

November 13 dream:  All the characters in the dream are in an elevator in their civilian clothes. Young guy and I are told to go to other elevator and go down 7 floors. The elevator is on ground floor and only goes down to floors 7 and 10. We push 7. The elevator has a hard time starting. On the way to the elevator I say to him, “Wouldn’t it be terrible to be famous? Everybody would always be looking at you.” He said, “It might be fun for a while.”

November 13 dream:  Going thru the city from place to place. Realize I forgot my yoga mat and other things. Have to retrace my steps.

November 13 dream:  Nannie drives up from the city to see me. J. checks out the return address on letter she is carrying.

November 12, 2018:  Spent about an hour in a.m. talking w/Ben G. about new Zoom account. In ’til 3:30ish. Walk w/my face mask on to G.P. Seth at C.B. again. Take BART home. Meet nurse named Patrick. He was on his way to a 12-hour shift at the trauma center in an East Bay hospital. Then Asian guy on BART to Balboa Park. Then guy on Geneva, looking happy I was paying attention to him. Then manager at Asian take-out place on Ocean. Rick and Melissa on Zoom in p.m. Melissa took exception to Rick’s blanket plaint about our current president. Finished Imaginary Interview with Socrates, Jesus, Oscar Wilde and their S.O.s. Feel kind of bad. Like I’ve given it my all and it’s not enough. Insight; Watching A French Village, realize I, too, was a collaborator in my childhood.

November 12 dream:  Must be able to find seven or so images before the map will change. (h.o.)

November 12 dream:  Grisly murder based on sensational book outside of our place of residence.

November 12 dream:  Pete Franks starting his acting career. One piece of advice.

November 12 dream:  Being in NYC as opposed to other places.

November 12 dream:  At Grace Cathedral in San Francisco.

November 11, 2018:  In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. With my face mask on. Seth at C.B. again. Matt has apparently moved on. Work on Imaginary Interview with Socrates, Jesus and Oscar Wilde and their significant others. TR group in p.m. Sense Testimony: Bureaucratic overreach can cause harm from breaching confidentiality and misdiagnosis. My conclusion: Truth is totally breachable, unrestricted, unimpairable, unlimited knowing/diagnosis, which is the only cause and the only effect.

November 11 dream:  Me spraying the area for bugs.

November 11 dream:  Hang out at cool, historic pad/meeting place where Harvey Milk used to live. Saw Daniel Bank there. He was talking about his own cool/cheap place. Talked with young woman about climate change.

November 11 dream:  Melania Trump taking off from my house in a car driven by another woman. We were talking about a biography of Einstein’s wife which was just being published.

November 11 dream:  In France, DeGaulle is running for the assembly seat of Girard, who had just been killed by the police.

November 10, 2018:  Another smoky day. S.F. Feels like a war zone. In ’til 3ish. Walked w/my face mask to the library. Henry there. Then walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. Also other cute Asian guy as I left. Walk to Safeway. Myka has his face mask on. In the middle of chatting w/Myka, Steven leaned in from the adjacent checkout stand to join the conversation. I hadn’t known he was there, and he threw me off balance, which I think was his intent.  Drop/break plate in p.m. That usually means something.

November 10 dream:  Am staying at place w/lots of others close by. Working on something.

November 10 dream:  Woman in line said I blew a toothpick into her eye. Later she tried to make a date w/me. I snuck out of store. Ran into two well-built male friends who eventually became shirtless and then were only wearing towels, as did their adolescent son and a baby held who was held up against one of their naked chests, just to be in touch.

November 9, 2018:  Smoky day in S.F. People advised to stay indoors. Took #49 to Van Ness. Noisy, homeless guy sitting behind me asked me to open my window. I say, “No.” Bought face mask. Went to 1001 Franklin to get waitlist application. 300 on waiting list. Very old people hanging out in lobby. Go to Main Library to take a pee in the homeless restroom. Then search Market Street for Friday’s Chronicle. Finally find one at 4th & Market drug store. Take N into Cole Valley. Sign on way: “11:59:59.” Nicest thing that happened so far today. Go to Peet’s Cole Valley. Try to catch #43 home. #37 arrives first. So I take it to the Castro. Old lady smiles at me just before I walk past 440 Club to J’s store at 19th & Castro. #35 to G.P arrives quickly. Take BART to Balboa. Then #8 home. Chronicle headline: “Wildfire devastates Butte County Town” instead of “Wildfire devastates Paradise [which is the name of the Butte County town in question]. Insight: my Dad was playacting his entire life. Just like me.

November 9 dream:  Transcribing cube with writing on it to second cube. (h.o.)

November 9 dream:  Pushed veteran too far and he got in trouble. Einstein was there but I didn’t apologize to him, even though he told me not to.

November 9 dream:  Veteran had to be informed about loss of someone. He seemed cheerful. Some assumed he hadn’t been informed yet.

November 9 dream:  Carol Burnett as transsexual in movie promo.

November 9 dream:  I took cash from company safe. Somehow I rationalized that I wasn’t stealing. Decided to give it back.

November 9 dream:  Returning from abroad. I walk thru part of S.F. I’ve never walked thru before. Older Frenchwoman being a real snob, in French, at local store.

November 8, 2018:  Anonymous call at 12:30ish. In ’til 1:30ish. #29 to yoga. Same guy who I sat next to on November 1, smiling quietly to himself when I looked at him. Woman sitting near window at La Promenade smiles at me as I pass, foreshadowing guy in L.P. who gave me look of interest. After yoga, woman with big white teeth smiles at me, apparently without provocation, foreshadowing me seeing beautiful woman I had seen on October 9. Totally disarming. Met cute little boy on elevator w/his Dad and a pet rat named Benjamin.

November 8 dream:  In shower, hear my front door handle shake. (h.o.)

November 8 dream:  Young woman wanted to go into comedy. I told her all the people she could get in touch with. Trying to get printer to work. It’s under a lot of antique bric-a-brac.

November 7, 2018:  Went to Rincon – 2-1/2 hours. Very quiet at Super Duper. Edwin there calls me by my name. After, follow cute guy ’til I finally see him face to face. Then take #38. Get off at Union Square. Woman there smiles at me. I get back on #38. Pass J’s house again. Get off at Van Ness. Take #49 home.

November 7 dream:  A couple of lectures on Wednesday night I and other guy wanted to go to. Then other guy asks me how I’m collecting the $5. Then I realize tonight is Wednesday night.

November 7 dream:  At work woman very critical of me and my presentation skills. At end, I am “drum major” of a large contingent.

November 6, 2018:  Go to 101 for special “Get Out the Vote” outreach. Homeless black guy stopped by. He had a sign: “Free Lesson on the Nature of Reality.” I didn’t ask. #38 to La Promenade. Passed J’s house on Geary. Then a sign: “Wishful thinking” or possibly “Wishful drinking.” Woman at La Promenade cafe gave me look of interest. Yoga with Lucia. After, she admitted she has five planets in Scorpio: Sun, rising, Mercury, Mars and Pluto. #29 home. Guy came on board in shorts. Sat across from me. Then he also gave me the eye. Woman at La Promenade was a foreshadowing of guy on #29. I wasn’t interested in either of them. (*See last dream of 11/4 about becoming a different person.)

November 6 dream:  It was the preacher who was a conman in the end.

November 6 dream:  At sort of wedding, woman, then man with the most beautiful white ass. Other guy playfully tries to remove his Speedo. Guy continue walking. I have huge hard-on in dream. I try to cover it up with a towel or something. Another guy from work approaches me and thanks me for promising to help him out. I ask him to remind me what I promised. Then remember he hasn’t told me yet.

November 5, 2018:  In ’til 12:30ish. #49 to Opera Plaza to see “The Happy Prince.” It was a sad movie that made me happy. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. #36 to Railroad Expresso. Talk to Jesse.

November 5 dream:  Flying around landscaped backyard. Mayor Breed doesn’t notice me. Others don’t see me. Finally guy sees me. He gets close. I’m afraid he’ll bring me down. (h.o.)

November 5 dream:  Visit outdoor David Letterman show. The audience was very far away. I said to Dave, “I was here when you did the show in Iowa or someplace and the audience was much closer.” Then I joked, “You can never get the audience far enough away.” Dave laughed, sort of.

November 5 dream:  I’m finishing up my sidewalk, plant trimming.  My hands are all muddy. Then other guys coming the other way with muddy and bloody hands. I meet up w/them outside cabin of nice young people. I thought it was lived in by old people who wanted me out of their yard.

November 4, 2018:  Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. Seth very nice to homeless black man. But so was I. Walk thru G.P. Large bluebird on my path. Mt.D. W.F. TR group in pm. Sense testimony: Disagreement is inevitable when telling lies has become the norm. My conclusion: Nothing is external to the gratitude of the Real estate. Insight: Me showing my penis to Nancy was like my behavior with my mother? In other words, it was voluntary on my part. I volunteered to be a sexual object with my mother, just like my friend J. also volunteers to be a sexual object. Perhaps that’s why he’s in my life.

November 4 dream:  Trying to find some ingredients for my boss. Either that or aftershave lotion and some other things. Run into another executive. He says, “You’re 48, right?” I try counting and wake up.

November 4 dream:  Helicopter lifts plane over Arizona. Then drops it and plane takes off mid-air. Needs to land one inch west of Missouri airport. Woman in pilot’s very small cabin. Eating something. Realizes its a person. Spits it out. Need to place 78 pieces of tape to area which is untaped.

November 4 dream:  Flying off with some guy ’cause we have to get to the bottom of a mystery. M. Itkin says to me, “Why don’t you ever get yourself noticed?” I say, “Fuck off. God does a pretty good job, and a lot of people never notice him.” I think: I’m becoming a different person. I say to someone: “This all began with Occupy.” He agrees.

November 3, 2018:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Seth comes into C.B with his girlfriend. Not impressed. Walk to Mt.D. See same tomcat I saw on 10/21. As soon as I stopped, he approached me, rolled over a few times, climbed between my legs, etc. Mt.D. exceptionally peaceful, clear and warm. Steven at Safeway. He even smiled at me. Also Myka briefly. Jun and I take #43 home together. He’s trying to get his driver’s license.

November 3 dream:  We’re having a parade. #19 is missing even though guy said he’d interviewed them. They were a Native American group. (h.o.)

November 3 dream:  Tom O. and I are riding a whale in a bay. I say, “I wonder if he (the whale) minds.” I see that we are close to the shore. Then I see a young Jordan face down on the beach. I help him start breathing again. (It was the 2nd time I had saved Jordan’s life.) Earlier, Nancy, Laurie and I go to city college rally where some presentations are made about Christian Science. Harriet and Dad were not part of the program, though they were in the audience. Before program, young people throwing ball to each other, young men and women. Someone comments: “Look at that guy’s ass.”

November 3 dream:  Nine of us go to see a movie. Four of us sit near each other. Screens all over the place. Cute girl sits on my lap. She’s like a white geisha girl. She charges 20 cents for 20 seconds. We’re all supposed to be gay. Family reunion coming up. Leigh as concerned as I am.

November 2, 2018:  Call around 1:30 pm who hangs up as soon as I identify myself. In ’til 4ish. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. RHS my “step-mother” for abusing me as she was abused. Really feeling worthless. Then realizing she was acting out of her own abuse and that I was allowing her to. (*See last dream of 10/31.) As I climb steps home, I smile at attractive couple climbing down. Later realize they are the couple from the apartment above me whose occasional violent noise makes me feel a similar kind of worthlessness. Think this is a mutation from my RHS.

November 2 dream:  Ceramic animals, a whale, a lion and others, on display for someone. Whale unsuccessfully tries to swallow the lion.

November 2 dream:  Got totally lost in company building. It was a scientific type company, inventing things. Our FYL tape group was in Section F, but I couldn’t find it. And people didn’t seem available to help. Also, I had left my gym bag, probably on the drive back from my vacation. Earlier was really hungry for experience of being, almost like a death. Hoped Thane would arrive back soon.

November 2 dream:  About to give hopefully humorous talk. We may be a little late.

November 2 dream:  Wanting to go home and take pills to reduce side pain.

November 1, 2018:  One ring at 11:45 am. Maybe my side pain relates, not to J., but to my mother. In ’til 1:30ish. #29 to yoga. Sit next to cute quiet Asian h.s. student. Then follow beautiful man to the back seat. At first glance, he was beautiful. But at 2nd glance, he had nothing of interest to me. There was no there there. See Joe outside Simple Pleasures on Balboa. Then saw sign in window of La Promenade about Butter Love cafe art exhibit. I thought, well, if this is a sign, I’m going to need more. So I went into La Promenade. No one was there at the counter. So I left to go to Butter Love. And there was Gailin. And he was even glad to see me. We talked briefly. Initially about Michelle Tea quote on back hallway and then he shared w/me his favorite quote from Walt Whitman. He didn’t remember the line but it had something to do with a tortoise. Perhaps: “And do not call the tortoise unworthy because she is not something else . . .” And also a Kafka quote about having the courage to be weird. Perhaps: “Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion.” Yoga w/Carl and others. After, me and Gailin talk more. See large bird walking around G.G.P. Go to Arizmendi Bakery on 9th Avenue for more gluten-free bread. Run into my beautiful Asian friend I saw in G.G.P. on 9/25. This time he was with girlfriend/partner and his dog. Girl at 9th & Judah showed interest in me. Young h.s. guy on #43. Girl ends up sitting next to me. Henry at library. He remembered my name. Very hot vegetable guy at W.F. Side pain may relate to my toddler efforts to stand on my own being thwarted/held back by my mother?

November 1 dream:  I criticize girl for comment she made about sweet drink. She asks me to describe the drink. Then rushes out to get one. She visits international guy. He starts following us.

November 1 dream:  Atomic bomb exercise taking place. I get lost in hotel. Then guy directs me to 4th floor.

November 1 dream:  Am in L.A. for a week. See dream group poster on wall and think, “I’ll go. Then Gene Goulard walks by. I say, “Are you living here?” He says he’s living w/the great Derek Lamar. Then Derek appears in a fancy white suit w/beautiful, colorful printing on it and two gofer boys. He doesn’t see me.

October 31, 2018:  Two ring anonymous call this a.m. around 9ish. Saw Alex in a.m. on way to 101. He didn’t seem to remember me from hier. Go to 101. Then 2-1/2 hours at Rincon. Then K home. Beautiful Asian man I rushed to sit next to. He got off at Castro. As soon as I heard his voice, I regretted not talking to him. W.F. and shits when I got home around 6ish.

October 31 dream:  Hard-on dream about something.

October 31 dream:  Alex G. talking my head off at Prosperos event about how he’s always relating everything back to principle. [And he’s a right-wing Trump supporter.]

October 31 dream:  Taking long (an inch or so) piece of flesh out of my hand that didn’t belong there. No blood.

October 31 dream:  At seaside, waiting to conduct a military maneuver. Am visiting ___ or some relative who doesn’t like me.

October 31 dream:  At family reunion dinner. My step-mother doesn’t like me. Some of us go to house lower on the hill. Woman there talks about Truth. I think I’ll help her if I can. Give my ___ to somebody.

October 30, 2018:  In ’til 1ish. #29 to Balboa. Go to Promenade Cafe. Small group at yoga. Told Lucia that my swollen tendons relate to a relationship. She said, “I don’t know what your relationship is.” And I thought, That’s the problem. Neither do I. Get call during yoga. Walk home via G.G.P. #43 home. Talk to Alex outside W.F. who confirmed to me that Cody no longer works there. Email Rick about 11th Hour Dispatch.

October 30 dream:  Lucid daydream: My father telling me he’s proud of me.

October 30 dream:  Guessed the right amount. Pain seems to be under control.

October 30 dream:  Four of us trying to escape spaceship in time before it explodes. Hugh John there?

October 30 dream:  Me and 2nd guy take on 3rd guy in our Speedos in a crosswalk. Then lots of mostly disabled young people sitting on the floor.

October 30 dream:  Family dream about family business. I’m trying to write her ending but my pen runs out of ink. I want to say that the family business should be no larger than it has to be. Each person in the play has their own different colored rooms. At end two of us are invited to visit Swedish guy’s yellow room to see something. He’ s not there.

October 29, 2018:  In ’til 1ish. Decided to skip my acupuncture appointment this a.m. It was $100 per session and I had already spent $300. For the first time in 20 years, this guy gave me a diagnosis. This was something the VA and others (with MRIs, CT-scans, etc.) could not do. But as Maya Angelou said, If a person tells you who they are, believe them. I think I was so desperate for a cure that I dismissed some cues I should have paid attention to. Cute h.s. guy on K on way to W.P. Lady at health food store recommends anti-inflammation supplement. I buy it. Vote at City Hall. Walk to Rainbow Foods. Then Sage. Make connection with guy getting on his bike on 21st Street. Buy additional supplement at Sage on Valencia. Blonde woman at Bernie’s on 24th Street. She gives me a look of interest. I don’t know how to respond. I don’t want to just walk out w/o saying anything. So on my way out I say, “Is there a place I can throw this away?” Barista offers to take it from me. This gives me an opportunity to smile at woman. Walk to G.P. #36, #43 home. S.E. group in p.m. Thane’s 11th Hour Dispatch was approved, but Rick insists we listen to the lesson beforehand on our own and only get together for a discussion. I get upset with Rick the more I think about it.

October 29 dream:  I’m staying at Laurie’s house. Her bedroom is white on white. As I leave for bed, I look around and everybody has arrived home – like 5 or 6 people. Young guy talks about a kiss, like in the movies. I ask, “Was that tonight?” He says, “No.” (h.o.)

October 29 dream:  I eat with very wealthy young man and a few others. They are all smitten with him. We talk about a survey(?) at work with people I know. I ask about one woman I like.

October 29 dream:  Got two letters. William Fennie says: “Big letters?” I say, “Two of the biggest. Al Haferkamp and my boss at work.” My boss wants me to recode something. William complains about a smelly cheese wrapper. Also note from guy that he’ll be in town for a week which means that J. would be around as well.

October 29 dream:  Marilyn Deurell at family meal. I try to scrape together something. Calvin brought the most food and he was making a big production of things, comme de habitude.

October 28, 2018:  Found out that Langley Porter was a leader in “sexual deviates” starting in the ’40s. Was Doris Gloss a “sexual deviate”? Was that why she murdered my mother? Was Doris in love with my mother? In ’til 3ish. Go to Walgreens in search of low-sodium Wheat Thins. Six stores later I find them at Mollie Stone’s on Portola Drive. Beautiful guy coming out of gym on Ocean Avenue on my way to W.P. Walk to Mt.D. On top get two amber alerts on my phone. TR group in p.m. Sense testimony: Too much change or unpredictability creates uncertainty and pain. My conclusion: Truth is inexchangeable, unchanging, predictable, settled law and the judgment of Truth is Divine Oneness.

October 28 dream:  Hard-on dream about something.

October 28 dream:  Hillary Clinton’s daughter, Ronan, running for office.

October 28 dream:  In Chicago trying to get back to 31st floor job. Can’t find elevator bank. Meet Jane Curtain briefly. Really like her. Then see Carol Carter who says I’ve gotten to Chicago somehow and that she’s losing her mind.

October 28 dream:  Something about climbing the highest mountain.

October 27, 2018:  Worked ’til 1ish. Take nap. Left house at 3ish. Buy ibuprofen at Walgreens. Start icing my sides. Walk up to Mt.D. Follow woman up Robinhood Dr. I didn’t want to follow her, but did anyway. She smiles at me on her way down. At top of Mt.D., there is a “Trick or Meet.” It’s just starting. I go half way down Mt.D., then go back to top about half hour later. People gathering around speaker. Then photo taken. Lots of guys giving horn hand signal. Somehow I feel a sense of accomplishment. (*Parallel to my climbing behind woman on Robinhood Dr.?) #36 bus unexpectedly arrives on Foerster to get me to G.P. Seth at C.B. Wait for #23 to Safeway. Hawk perches two street lights away. Then on street light directly above me. Myka not at very busy Safeway. Waiting for #43 home. Run into Jun for 2nd day in a row. We take #43 together ’til I get off at home.

October 27 dream:  We take off from the planet. Spaceship is kind of rickety. Then at a certain point it doesn’t mater. We’re in space. I ask, “How do you know what’s up in space?” Guy says, “You just go up.” We passed Mercury, which had apparently been destroyed. We were headed up to the northeastern part of space. I was eating this sandwich which was dripping white liquid which looked like cum. Guy gets mad. I started cleaning it up with a napkin.

October 27 dream:  Trying to get bus down to Mt. Shasta to meet Liz Andrews. Guy says, “Take the #23, the military defense budget.” Ocean nearby.

October 27 dream:  Get on bus outside Castro. It has chairs and some odd people. I start talking to one guy. He sits on my lap and then is a woman. Speaking French. I try to speak back to her. “Vous le dit,” I say.

October 26, 2018:  One phone ring at 8:10 am shortly after I get up. (*Relates to sudden hawk of hier?) Go to acupuncture for 3rd day in a row. Cute h.s. guy on K on way. Guy smiles at me on L. Then beautiful man behind me in line at Walgreens on Taraval. After acupuncture, go to Jun’s for haircut. Wait ½ hour. He and I figure out way to block calls on my phone. It’s always a joy to see Jun. He always makes me laugh and I love it when he touches me or presses up against me as he cuts my hair. Take 1-1/2 hour nap when I get home. 3:30 pm anonymous call just as I lay down to take a nap. Walk to Mt.D. Cute guy in library on the way. Realize on my walk that I’m the one with the swollen tendons, not J.

October 26 dream:  We were rehearsing a great Greek play about getting people excited about war. We stopped for a while after somebody stepped on a porn video VHS box. (h.o.)

October 26 dream:  Return items which had been lost or damaged, years later. Forms to fill out. Have to ask permission of person whose file it is. I do two. Now have to do two more. Asking permission is the hardest part.

October 26 dream:  At new job trying to copy things. Lots of interruptions.

October 26 dream:  Bus slowly comes to a stop, crashing into some cars. I’m standing outside wondering how to help people in the bus get out.

October 25, 2018:  Acupuncture – Day 2. Fall at W.P. on way home. Woman smiles at me on K. Then I see Matt. Take nap. Go to yoga. Hawk on #29. Cute guy after yoga didn’t like my being attracted to him. Walk home thru G.G.P. See Fred Cline in cafe on way to bus stop. Woman smiles at me as I cruise guy’s ass on 9th Avenue. Talk to him at 9th/Irving bus stop. He’s a medical student reading book about innovation in medicine. Cute woman looks around at me at Diamond & Bosworth Streets. She gets on #36. I get on #23. Follow guy w/cute bubble butt to corner resto. Then talk to Jesse for several minutes about his nightmare as a 4-year-old. Dream group in p.m. Not sure I want to continue with them.

October 25 dream:  Surprise meal. Limited resources(?) We were trying to avoid salt.

October 25 dream:  Work was very slow. Went back to take a break. Stopped by new resto I had never seen before. Sit across from guy who I was trying to figure out why we met. He mentioned a couple of people I’d never heard of. Sylvia Marcus? Young boy sitting next to me asked him a question. They seemed to hit it off.

October 25 dream:  I tell my work neighbor that I’m having second thoughts about leaving work. She says, “I believe that white leads to black.” And I say, “And that means what?” She: “That you support your neighbor.”

October 24, 2018:  10 am acupuncture appointment with Dr. Li. Him lowering my pants felt very erotic. Got anonymous call while this was going on. He diagnosed me with swollen tendons. Get to 101 early. Relatively busy. Many handsome men walking by. At end, two women come up to us asking directions to the biggest Catholic Church in the city. John F. happily offers to walk them to the #38 bus stop. I don’t think I would have done that. At least not happily. 2-1/2 hours at Rincon. Nancy/Laurie call from car on their way to Santa Cruz to interview Aunt Joanne. Billye Talmadge dies in a.m. When I get home, two blank anonymous messages.

October 24 dream:  Hard-on dream about peeing.

October 24 dream:  “Puppy farm” with little re-outfitted VWs.

October 24 dream:  My new, hot, sexually active boyfriend where I work. At the end, we exchange gifts. Mine is a re-gift from Dec. ’94 (white liquid) to Derek Lamar.

October 23, 2018:  Last night I Translated: It’s difficult to find a doctor who both is knowledgeable and able to listen. Conclusion: Truth is always teaching, always listening, re-minding. This morning I was about call Dr. Liu to cancel my Friday appointment and I accidentally dialed Dr. Li (from 26th Avenue and Taraval). Having Dr. Li on the line, I made an appointment with him for tomorrow and felt very good about him. I think as a mutation from my Translation last night. In ’til 1:30ish. Cute guy with torn jeans on #29. I had seen him before on this bus. Then guy named Ronald asked me if I was going to yoga since I had my yoga mat with me. We talked a lot about yoga and P90X, a work out program. Then started talking about religion. He’s a fan of the Abrahamic religions. Cute h.s. student on Balboa. Joe, the guitarist, in front of Simple Pleasures. Max, Sarah at Butter Love. Lucia and others at yoga. We all talked about the lottery before class. Walk thru G.G.P. to 9th & Lincoln Way. #44 to G.P. Lady barista at C.B. BART and 8X home. Justin at W.F.

October 23 dream:  Big, good-looking boy wants to leave class. He takes out window and steps up ladder. Female teacher stands in his way.

October 23 dream:  Beginnings of mouse on the floor. I put it next to dust bunny. Dust bunny surrounded it as if going in for the kill.

October 23 dream:  Hawks, seagulls and a big owl.

October 23 dream:  Taking shit in dream. Then going to late lunch at lunch trucks outside of school.

October 23 dream:  Spend a week up north, mostly trying to get away from J. Guy who harassed women had put on a wig and become one. Black woman started ordering me around. Was anxious to return.

October 22, 2018:  In ’til 3ish. Walk out Ocean Avenue to Ambrosia Cafe at Lakewood. Walk to 35th Avenue and Taraval to check out Chinese doctor I will see on Friday. Hawk near Stern Grove. Walk back via Taraval. Stop at 2nd Chinese doctor at 26th Avenue. Then cute baristo at Peets West Portal. Then cute guy I follow up Ocean to 24 Hour Fitness. S.E. group in p.m. Looks like 11th Hour Dispatch is a go. Billye T. apparently near death. TR doctor in p.m. Root of the word doctor is docile!

October 22 dream:  Go into dark bathroom to pee. Run into others there. They don’t mind I’m peeing on them.

October 22 dream:  As the movie closes, the adult sons of a young mother tearfully give some towels to someone else as they learn their mother has died.

October 22 dream:  Little girl in ___ from FDR era lying on the ground, apparently dead, is not living and well.

October 21, 2018:  In ’til 3ish. Follow cute, dark, well-built guy in white T-shirt into 351 Brighton lobby. He disappears. Walking down Ocean, car honks at me. Buy two lotto tickets. Start fantasizing. Matt at C.B. but place so busy I decided to go elsewhere. Saw #35 bus earlier so knew it was nearby. Took it to Castro. Went to Spike’s. Austin there. Stood in front of J’s store for a few minutes waiting for #35 back to G.P. On way back, felt good, felt victorious. See “Victory” on car license plate. See “666” on sidewalk (666 = 18 = 9 = flowering or ending of something). (*Relates to part 2 of “great dream” of 10/17?) Walk thru G.P. to Mt.D. Very friendly, even aggressive cat at Chaves Avenue and Evelyn Way. Then friendly dog who licked my hand on top of Mt.D. Then guy from Marin on top of Mt.D. I talked with him about the view, etc. He was taking photos, as was I. Car accident at Ridgewood and Mangels Avenues. #43 w/o waiting. TR group in p.m. ST: Cancer cells have immature qualities and ignore signals to self-regulate. My conclusion: The structure of Truth is one, unspiteful, unmalicious, nonmalevolent, good, nonvindictive, nonvengeful, kind, helpful, satisfied, mature (produced at the right or favorable moment), of incomparable quality, all-knowing, all-signaling and all-receiving, indivisible Self; Being being its own authority. (*Shits from 6:30 pm hier relate to J. reading my online Diary today?)

October 21 dream:  Did something wrong w/Hanz in the State of Washington. You’re supposed to go to jail but they were pretty open about it. I didn’t go.

October 21 dream:  Riding my bike thru streets of SF, which looked like Paris. I had a rock in my left shoe. Forgot to lock my ’57 Benz, so I had to ride back to lock it. Bob M.  helping me. He says, “You’ve got a big one coming up.” Referring to a jump?

October 21 dream:  Going to the houses of two Christians. Feeling wary.

October 21 dream:  Trying to get a moment alone so I could jerk off. My dorm room door was a glass window and my roommate’s co-workers were meeting at her room.

October 20, 2018:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P the long way. Guy on Mangels Avenue asks me if I’d like a beer. I say, “Thanks, I don’t drink.” Matt at C.B. playing James Brown. Walk up Joost to Safeway. Cute dog at Joost and Foerster really excited to see me. At Safeway, Myka runs out the front door to catch shoplifter. Then we talk about etherealization, Cavendish and other ideas about physics. While waiting for #43, Jun comes up behind me. It’s good to see him. He says he and his wife moved to two rooms near Geneva and Mission. I asked if he’s still studying English w/his tutor. He seemed intent on showing me a photo of his tutor who, in the photo he showed me, appeared gay and was standing next to an even more gay-appearing young man. I think Jun is trying to tell me he may be married, but he’s not dead. Shits about 6:30 pm when I get home.

October 20 dream:  Restart tape group after going for a year, taking a half year off, and then starting again. $1.10 dues.

October 20 dream:  1% of people want to want to live in an authoritarian state.

October 20 dream:  Invasion by invisible force. Three of us are assigned to find out about it. I’m taking a pee. 2nd guy comes in and says we need to find a way to cooperate w/each other.

October 20 dream:  Young guy was looking thru pictures of other young guys. Girl he is interested in comes along. He doesn’t panic. Instead he transforms into male character from play and she transforms into female character.

October 19, 2018:  Anonymous call about 9 am just as I’m waking up. (*Relates to hawk on 10/16 over 19th Avenue, while I’m onboard #29 to yoga?) Beautiful guy I followed into 352 Brighton lobby. Walking to G.P., realized that mens rea (which is a term I woke up saying to myself on 10/7) relates to J. He is intentionally doing evil or wrong. (*Relates to “great dream” from 10/17?) Seth at C.B. Walk to Mt.D. Meet “Zombie Outbreak Response Team” guy washing his car on Juanita Avenue. I say, “How’s business?” He says, “It’s about to get a lot busier.” Walk to Mt.D. and home Translating. My sense testimony: Some people feel entitled to inflame others. Conclusion: Truth is one being entitled to permanent light and permanent power. Run into friendly young guy w/dog on Bella Vista Way. I think he’s the one who just moved into house nearby. Realize my sense of entitlement came not from my upper middle class background but from my connection, real or imagined, w/God.

October 19 dream:  Trying to save a 3-part 3-color document so none of it is lost. It’s about a murder or a military operation.

October 19 dream:  Eating some kind of liver on Market Street w/Bill Floyd.

October 18, 2018:  In ’til 1:30ish. #29 to yoga. Cute young Asian man from St. Ignatius Catholic high school sits next to me. I ask him if St. Ignatius is in the neighborhood. He says, “Yes.” A whole bunch of people get off at Lincoln Way and 34th Avenue. I ask him, “What’s at 34th Avenue?” He says he doesn’t know. I shut up. He gets off at Balboa. That’s also my stop. He waits on Balboa for the #31 bus. I continue walking down Balboa. Then I decide to take #31 as well a few blocks down the road. I wonder if he’ll be on the bus. When I get on #31 I see him standing in the middle of the bus. Woman smiles at me. I smile at him. He gets off at 37th Avenue which is my stop as well. He heads east. I head west. Big group at yoga today. My side pain feeling slightly better. Walk home thru G.G.P. Hawk in distance. Then hear hawk. Then see another hawk in the distance. #44 to G.P. Matt at C.B. #36 and #43 home.

October 18 dream:  A couple of us are putting on our coats to go out and look for bad guys.

October 18 dream:  Having 12 or so over for a Jewish dinner. People are waiting outside. I let them in and go back to the kitchen where the table is set up. One man brought a menorah of sorts w/only 4 candles. I think some sort of healing is to take place.

October 18 dream:  Took a liking to guy at office was was working at for a day. He had a handout called “Spot.” Woman there said she hopes the job takes a long time so she’d have work. Trying to reach 50,000 people for healing to take place. We had already reached 30,000.

October 17, 2018:  101. Very hot Asian guy canoodling w/his Asian girlfriend at Walgreens checkout counter. Made me mad. Two-1/2 hours at Rincon. Shits on leaving. Buxom woman w/three kids on K train. She wore a low-cut blouse and told another passenger, “I’m in a bad relationship. Very bad.” Felt I could fuck her, even abuse her. See Sean Elsbernd, former S.F. Supervisor, on same train. Angry, anonymous blank phone message from 11:30ish when I get home.

October 17 dream:  Laurie and I taking turns reading questions and answering them for some kind of children’s game.

October 17 dream:  Carol Chappell and a group of southern Californians, which avoids certain parts.

October 17 dream:  Tom O. and I give example of group dynamics at a gathering of sorts. Later big black man I was seeing told me he had a Wisconsin burger which was a burger with lots of kernels of corn.

October 17 dream:  At the U.S./Canada border on the Canadian side, riding in a big truck. Could not see out the front window. Don’t know how the driver saw anything. Heard a few hawks. Then saw several in the sky. Later the sky was filled with hawks migrating somewhere. At Prosperos event, Thane is getting ready to give short class. I looked forward to seeing Thane since I knew that he would know what was going on with me. Anne Bollman was registering people. I told her I don’t think I’ve paid yet. On the class notes, Thane talked about going to the store and and buying some sort of candy. Then said, “I really did. They’re.good.” (*This is what I call a great dream. Haven’t had one of these in a long time. Certainly not since I started putting these dreams online. Before last night, I had been having great pains in my sides and nobody seemed able to diagnose my problem. This has been doing on for some 20 years, only becoming more and more acute. On Sunday I had a chocolate chip cookie and that seemed to set things off more than ever. I think that’s why Thane (my teacher self) mentioned eating candy. When I went to sleep that night, I instructed my unconscious to tell me what was going on with my back/sides, whether it was something physical, psychological, from me or from outside of me. In the three dreams prior to this one, I woke up, thanked my unconscious and said that’s fine, but that’s not what I asked for. Finally, in my 4th dream I was given an answer which was, essentially, that Thane (my higher/my teacher self) would let me know what’s going on. In my waking life, whenever I see a hawk it is a sign to me that I am about to make a significant contact with somebody, usually somebody I’ve never met before, sometimes J., the now not-so-young man who has been a part of my life for over 30 years, at least psychically. So to see the sky filled with hawks is a really important symbol to me. I’m never very good at predicting what these great dreams or any dreams portend, but when I find out, I’ll know and I’ll let you all know as well.)

October 16, 2018:  Get up at 5:30 am for stress test at VA. Still dark at Geary & 25th Avenue. Run into guy as he’s going to work and I’m photoing a display window. Stress test not as stressful as I feared. Leave VA about 10 am. Guy on 38R I follow all the way to Market Street. When I leave him, he’s practically skipping down the street. Take J home. Take nap. Take #29 to yoga on Balboa. Blond guy on #29 I felt I’d seen before. He takes of his jacket, bends over to put it in his knapsack. Then pulled down his T-shirt to cover his ass. It was very erotic. He looked back and smiled as he did all this so I’m assuming he was putting on a show. I certainly enjoyed it. He got off at SFSU. Dark, big hawk crosses 19th Avenue in GGP while I’m on #29. Lucia at Purusha. Asian guy on #43 home. He had beautiful eyes, beautiful face which he used to look directly at me before getting off at Yerba Buena Avenue. Hugh John calls in pm. Then anonymous call about 7:30 pm.

October 16 dream:  Admitted truth to gay newspaper. I was ostracized. But at home, I was still loved.

October 16 dream:  My parent(?) wanted me to go and get a loaf of bread at the supermarket.

October 16 dream:  At Prosperos event, follow cute guy into agoura. I love him. I loose him. Sexy woman asks me to buy Russian newspaper which she apparently reads. Michael K. really trying to find Hugh John to explain his kiss. When my boss gets back, she looks at my notes about all this.

October 16 dream:  Finally figure out why Jordan is moving to Connecticut (Yale University). ‘Cause his young son is being raised nearby. It’s late on Saturday and I come down stairs in Saratoga home. It’s beautiful but not full of love or life. Glad I’ll be moving soon. Harriet is talking about the lawn. I say, “I cant’ remember the last time I mowed that lawn, but we’ve never farmed it out for anyone else to do.” Jordan calling from the closet where he lives, defending the closeted.

October 16 dream:  Thane at party. Get’s up in cupboard. I say, “Why is Thane in the closet?” Then he gets down. He’s shorter than most of us. He asks us what is the average height today. People say 6’2”. I’m afraid he’ll call on me. Later someone’s wife sits on my lap and talks about how she and her husband, who is now sitting next to me, play cock in the mouth.

October 15, 2018:  In ’til 2ish. Lots of catch-up work. Some phone calls. #43 to Peets Cole Valley. Yoga at 4:30 pm. Jimmie there. 7 pm online meeting. We’re going to go ahead with 11th Hour Dispatch w/Rick monitoring. Melissa hurting my feelings.

October 14, 2018:  Call for John Pinkerton in a.m. Made me laugh. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to W.P. Peets. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk and two crows at La Bica and Rockdale. Guy at peak of Mt.D. w/baby on his chest, talking on cellphone, “She no longer has control.” 3 distant hawks on way down. TR group in pm. My concl: Truth is solid state. Think I finished II w/God. Thank God!

October 14 dream:  It’s just Ana and me (in the audience). Cenk is out sick today.

October 14 dream:  A crisis in the band. Somebody was supposed to call somebody. But they didn’t. I ran home to get the phone number. Run into Bob M. and other guy I know. Decided I needed to be w/the band. Got into pushing match w/cute short dark guy. He ended up liking me and vice versa.

October 13, 2018:  In ’til 3:15ish. Talked to Hanz earlier in a.m. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. Walk thru G.P. to Mt.D. Then Myka at Safeway. We talked about etherealization and Descartes. Worked on II w/God for about 5 hours in p.m.

October 13 dream:  My female friend plans to get to work via the Golden Gate Bridge instead of the Bay Bridge.

October 13 dream:  Gather together my “spiritual” papers(?)

October 13 dream:  Navy seals preparing online photos, etc.

October 13 dream:  “Okay, radicals, it’s time to take time for yourself.”

October 13 dream:  On holiday for a day, a tired Cindy Granieri stops by to say hello. A friendly dog. And the Chronicle delivered to me via U.S. Mail.

October 12, 2018:  In ’til 2ish. Work on II w/God. Call at 9:30ish this a.m. I didn’t answer ’cause I thought it was Hugh john who had called hier. Later I presumed it was J. who called. Felt bad about it at C.B. In G.P. (Seth there.) Then realized perhaps that feeling of despair, self-blame is one of the things I pledged to give up in my psychic contract w/J. in January of ’87. Walked toward G.P. #35 showed up at Diamond and Chenery w/its door open. I thought of taking it to the Castro but had no reason to. Nonetheless I got on. Bus driver smiled at me. Got off at 20th & Diamond. Woman smiles at me. Pass by J’s store. Then UPS driver smiles at me. Run into Jim B. on Castro. He invites me to have a drink at 440 Club (where I think J. hangs out). Bartender very nice. Makes me special non-alcoholic drink. Jim joins me. We talk briefly. Then Jim starts talking w/some other guys standing nearby. I take a leak and take my leave. Jim and I embrace. Walk to Mt.D. Run into couple on Mt.D. In conversation w/them I refer to my place as my “home.” Earlier on way to G.P run into guy who asks me about my TYT T-shirt. He says, “The Young Turks?” I say, “Yes, do you listen?” He said, “No, I don’t believe in genocide.” I say, “I don’t either.” May be about the Armenian genocide, since one of their hosts is Armenian and one is Turkish? (*1st hawk from hier relates to J’s call at 9:30am and 2nd hawk relates to me visiting 440?)

October 12 dream:  $500 butt plug for yoga(?)

October 12 dream:  Most all of trash blown away by strong winds. Only a few bits of clothing left to wash, but not enough for a full load.

October 11, 2018:  #29 to yoga. Hawk on Lincoln Way. Got call during yoga. Try to answer it but can’t. RHS mother on way home. I wasn’t betrayed by her. I pretended to have faith in her, and my pretense was verified. Red-tailed hawk in G.G.P. Upset by Arizmendi Bakery on 9th Street. They come off as this great San Francisco bakery but their bread selection was terrible and their customer service was also. Just like my mother comes off as this great woman, great mother but she wasn’t.  (Sometimes the Universe, like history, rhymes.)

October 11 dream:  A fellow student and I were chosen to raise the fallen Christ in one day. She started watering plants, which had fallen sideways. I get up from bed. Our supervisor is a woman.

October 11 dream:  Company is kicking me out of my 30 day apartment. While sleeping, they had packed up all my stuff and stacked it at the doorway. In the a.m. someone knocked on my door. And 3 guys came in and finally told me they thought I was too sick to stay on or at least that was the excuse they were using.

October 11 dream:  Being driven home from camp. Tall truck. Some didn’t make it on.  We are taken to the Tenderloin, where I live, I think.

October 10, 2018:  101. Rincon. Shits about 3pm. Then again at 3:30 pm. Walk up Pine to watch repair. Then home via #49. Max at Super Duper gave me the wrong order. Gave me real burger instead of veggie patty.

October 10 dream:  Saratoga house piled w/stuff inside. My computer is missing. Tom C. suppresses laugh. I say, “Tom C., this is not funny.”

October 10 dream:  Barber gives me special between-haircuts haircut. Then asks $20. I’m all out. Will have to get more money.

October 10 dream:  Go to Paris. Scary section at first. Indoors. Guy asks me if I’m a freak. I say no. Then fun part where all these young people are hanging out and partying at a construction site.

October 9, 2018:  Anonymous call at 11:15 am. Call at 12:45 pm while I was taking a shower. Call while I’m at yoga plus other call via cell phone. (*Total of about 4 or 5 anonymous calls today relate to 4 or 5 hawks from 10/5?) Also Lucia touches me during yoga. But before she rubbed her hands down my back, I felt a sort of precursor of her rubbing her hands down my back. Also connection with beautiful woman in lobby of Purusha after yoga. While I’m RHSing my mother on #44 to G.P., black woman bus driver looks directly at me for about a minute. Not hostile. Just direct and unflinching. Two young boys at W.F. kissed each other and said, “I love you.” Then they held hands. And walked out with their mother and older sister, I guess.

October 9 dream:  My new partner is overwhelmed by the storm which is appearing as friendly faces, she says, but then sucking us all down.

October 9 dream:  I helped Trump find an address he was looking for. Now he’s somebody else, and I’m taking a trip to Indiana, if I want to have a good time.

October 9 dream:  Somebody died at work(?) I tell my boss “I feel so worthless” but I think I just said that ’cause I didn’t know what else to say to him. When I get back to my desk, everybody is reorganizing and there is an electronic buzz. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

October 9 dream:  I’m late for work. I’m supposed to be there at 11:30 am and it’s 11:40 am. Met cute little boy. I start to help him tie his little hoodie but woman takes over. Young guy selling health food. I ask he he has a card.

October 8, 2018:  In ’til 2ish. Walk to C.B. in G.P. New girl barista there for 3rd day in a row. Finish Imaginary Interview with God. Walk thru G.P. Hear hawk. Cat having sex on Chaves on way to Mt.D. Guy washing car smiles at me on way down. Car is No. 09. Hurricane Michael approaches Florida.

October 8 dream:  Turn off the lights at work. As I do, one of the employees I like rubs up against my ass.

October 8 dream:  Trying to figure out how to make potato salad, having a big pan of cut potatoes.

October 8 dream:  Dream Trump President for 8 years.

October 8 dream:  Kamala Harris has crush on me at work.

October 7, 2018:  In ’til 3ish. One way to C.B. in G.P. Stop at liquor store to buy notebook so I can work on my Imaginary Interview w/God. They were playing “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” on their stereo. Wrote Part I at Cafe Bello. Walked thru G.P. to Mt.D. On way down Mt.D., I was thinking Jesus and Buddha and mystics throughout history have intuited what God had been saying in Part I. Cute guy walking up Mt.D. smiles at me. Melissa at TR group. She’s still a right-wing nut but I ended up loving her at end of session, in spite of myself.

October 7 dream:  Mens rea.

October 7 dream:  Not sure what I did, but I was in trouble or thought I was. Walking up wet Market Street, Nancy and Laurie coming down, saying, “We need Mom.” I nod and keep going up towards the Castro. Almost run into somebody. Think how easy it is to get into trouble.

October 7 dream:  The big bus I was driving stalled at the corner. I get out and look for help. I get lost in various buildings. People keep getting in my way. My cell phone is blond instead of black and it doesn’t work other than area code 415. (h.o.)

October 6, 2018:  In ’til 3ish. New female barista at C.B. Older guy at C.B. who I thought cruised me. Walk thru G.P. to Mt.D. Dramatic view of plane coming out of Mt.D, or so it appeared. “Welcome Back” balloons on Chaves Avenue. Myka at Safeway. I said to him, “Now that you’re no longer Catholic, you can use the I Ching.” Kind of depressed about JJ dream of 10/5.

October 6 dream:  Have to write a full report like I did last time, with a bibliography and everything. Guy I’m writing a report on died at 80 of a heart attack. Me feeling lower back pain just like guy sitting across from me.

October 6 dream:  Interesting commentary w/fellow students/friends. One new guy. Couldn’t quite hear where he was studying. But at one point he got up and said, “I’ve got to go take a grumpy shit.” When he and others came back he was sitting even further from me. He looked Middle Eastern but he had bleached blond hair.

October 5, 2018:  In ’til 3ish, working on II w/Trump and Bambi’s mother. Hawk at San Carlos & San Jose Avenues. Hawk at G.P. leads to 2nd hawk, circling each other. Matt at C.B. Walk thru G.P. Hear hawk. Guy yelling in celebration of something at O’Shaughnessy and Portola. I think maybe Kavanaugh has been denied. So I stick around ’til he crosses street. He says he was just saying hello to his brother/cousins. Perhaps it was also meant as a sign to me. Hawk hovering at peak of Mt.D. Hawk and crow over CCSF main campus. Get phone call as I enter apt. When I say hello, they hang up. Call from 415 area code saying he was in Thailand and that I called him yesterday. Followup:  God has also been accused of not loving enough. (See Diary of 10/2.)

October 5 dream:  In my dream, someone knocks on my door and I get up and wake up. Thought it was JJ from “Good Times.” Kid Dyne-O-Mite! I was staying in a room which was right on the edge of the ocean. If JJ hadn’t stayed with us, he would have lived a life of petty crime.

October 5 dream:  Young woman doing a lovely comedy sketch about paper towels.

October 5 dream:  Older woman at bank asks “Can I have dinner?” I pause and say, “Thank you, but no.”

October 5 dream:  Call Bill Fennie. Say I am not sure why I called but I’m taking a religious studies class at City College He said, “Yeah, he recommended that.”

October 5 dream:  I could sense noise in my room. Guy said, “Knock off the noise. You’re ruining my sex life.”

October 5 dream:  Took bus w/lots of poor people w/lots of baggage. Admired guy’s unassuming ass. Went up the hills of S.F. I had a beer. Girl I was interested in had a hot chocolate. I was not as scared as I had been earlier.

October 4, 2018:  Got email from Suzanne telling me I was wrong (again) to post the painting “Origin of the World” by Gustave Courbet. She said she would no longer send her written pieces to the BB. I replied to her: “Your defense has been noted.” Was very liberating for me. Met young SFSU cinema student on #29 on way to yoga. His YouTube is called “First Time.” Saw Joe in front of Simple Pleasures Cafe on Balboa. Then saw Gaitlan again at Butter Love. The correct name of his tattoo: “Quousque tandem” which means “For how much longer?” He said he got the tattoo shortly after Trump was elected. Max and Carl at yoga. RHSed Carl afterwards for being so nice to me, I guess. Made me feel vulnerable. See Jesse at Railroad Expresso. He has not yet applied for part-time position at Cafe Bello.

October 4 dream:  In a model kitchen, am finally able to start cooking w/gas. My father watches me as I start to make something for his mother, who we call Nannie.

October 4 dream:  Looking for a place of my own. Staying w/Steve O’Barr. Then dog comes home. I forgot he was missing. He hesitates before coming in. He sits at piano. Turns into guy. I say, “Go ahead and play something.’ I forgot the keys so something would have to wait a day to be able to do something.

October 3, 2018:  Cute, short Asian guy on K on way to 101. Daniel (from SalesForce) stops by at end of 101. We talk about ½ hour. Then another gal stops by and joins in. Blake and Darius (who knew my name) at Super Duper. Beautiful young black man with long dreads reading Ralph Ellison at Rincon. Talk briefly with him. Take N to Cole Street Peets. Waiting for #43, noticed #37 also coming up. I said to myself that I’d take which ever one arrives first. So I take the #37 into the Castro. Woman smiles at me as I board the bus. Walk by 440 Club. Wait for #35 in front of J’s store. Take #35 to G.P. Then #36. Then #43. home.

October 3 dream:  Sitting w/a few different boyfriends, including J., I think. At some sort of KQED auction? (h.o.)

October 3 dream:  Giving Sunday Meeting talk. Some blacks in the audience. We were playing tapes of how far we’d gotten to. The name of the brand of tape was “Ransom”. One of the black visitors asked if anybody else noticed this. Then he got up and turned it around so the name “Ransom” faced me.

October 2, 2018:  In ’til 1:30 pm. #29 to yoga. Gaitlan at Butter Love: He has Cicero quote tattooed on his shoulder: “Quam diu etiam furor iste tuus nos eludet?” “How Long is that madness of yours still to mock us?” Yoga w/Lucia. Drink cocoa even though I knew I shouldn’t. Walk home thru G.G. Park. Almost tripped and fell on a root. See Fred Cline at 9th & Irving. My bus was just about to arrive so I didn’t flag him down. Matt at C.B. Sense testimony: I don’t love enough. (*Relates to key on sidewalk on 9/23? Also relates to my heart possibly not getting enough blood per the VA?) Came up with this ST after watching movie about French ActUp group in p.m.

October 2 dream:  Yard square beds are brought in all 4 of our rooms and our regular beds taken out. In Hanz’s room the bathtubs were filled w/a kind of eel that went into you and cleaned you out. I was trying to take a shower, but no shower curtain, no soap, and no privacy with everybody (all four of us) in the room.

October 1, 2018:  In ’til 3ish. Amazing-looking guy – tall, blond, built, smiles slyly when I cruise him at library. Later he kind of stumbles when I follow him briefly into the stacks. (*Relates to distant hawk hier at G.P.?) Then talk to Mary. Another beautiful guy sitting at patio at Peets. I kind of stumble on chair. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. Walk home thru G.P. and Mt.D. Still upset w/Melissa’s subservience to Fox News.

October 1 dream:  Moved to place almost the whole of a floor. Some cleaning up to do. Share corner w/some older men, some young. Not sure what type of business.

October 1 dream:  Me inside my small square house. Earlier being at dinner w/others. The wine I bought a year ago was still there.

October 1 dream:  Washing dishes.

September 30, 2018:  Walk to G.P. via W.P. Distant hawks(?) and later hearing hawks at G.P. Matt at C.B. Nice girl bagging my groceries at Safeway. TR group in p.m. Big argument about Kavanaugh hearing. My TR conclusion: Truth is the personification of Oneness in unbroken trust of and with Itself; believing all, welcoming all to a problemless existence. Really repulsed for 2nd week in a row by Melissa’s regurgitating of Fox News talking points about Kavanaugh.

September 30 dream:  At table at Prosperos event w/Hugh John and two women. Excuse myself to take a shit.

September 30 dream:  Guessing how far we could drive truck/car before running out of gas.

September 30 dream:  At Prosperos gathering, Tom C. shows up. He’s shirtless and very skinny. He’s raking near the pool. I say to him: “Now make sure you get every bit of sand.”

September 29, 2018:  In ’til 4ish. See Justin in W.F. He’s mad at me. Buy two bottles of sparkling cider for me and one bottle of wine for Ricardo. By the time I got to the Castro, just before arriving in front of the 440 Club, I feel the bag tearing at the bottom. Pass 440 Club. See old friend from the Y. I walk down to 18^th Street. Then walk east on 18^th Street to Sanchez. In front of house on Sanchez, just before arriving at Ken & Ricardo’s, one bottle of cider slips out and crashes on the sidewalk. (*Relates to J. seeing me as the four of us – Ken, Ricardo, Bonnie and me – say our goodnights at Castro and Market at about 10pm?) Very friendly couple behind me pick up the glass and throw in the garbage.

September 29 dream:  Sitting around getting high. Was going to join final round just to be w/them, but decided not to.

September 29 dream:  Short instructions about the green room.

September 29 dream:  Big clear pool at new Transbay Transit Center.

September 29 dream:  Guiding remote(?) truck (or bus) ahead of me. Following very slowly. Guy doing the same.

September 29 dream:  A group of us going around to various people’s houses and giving them X’mas decorations.

September 28, 2018:  In ’til 3ish. Go to G.P. Seth at C.B. Guy walks in staring at me. I don’t see him and I don’t want to. Then I look up. He’s very hot. So I notice him as he seemed to want me to. Without any indication on my part, before even having eye contact with him, he knew I would be the person who could/would fulfill his need to be noticed, to be mentally caressed, even mentally undressed. Nothing can explain this to me other than the oneness of Mind. Walk thru G.P. to Mt.D. Then #43 home. Re-met Justin at W.F. He told me about bread after I asked him. Re my own abuse: underneath my belligerence there was sadness. And underneath the sadness, there was humiliation.

September 28 dream:  Older woman at party gave me the etymology of claustrophobia. I think she got it wrong. I had just looked the word up a few days ago. (h.o.)

September 28 dream:  “Crazy” house run by Julia Roberts. One girl finally got a date. I started weeping deeply. Then I started eating the steak on my plate.

September 28 dream:  Two young Latino guys walk around my windowed room. I’m staying in. They are family. Then they take the two kids I’m looking after and the dog. I get the dog back.

September 28 dream:  Listening to a sad song about ___ and others who die. I know the ending. And I’m dreading this death. And I’m wondering why we all want to hear this song over and over again. It happens on June 23. And that’s the name of the song in the background: “June 23.”

September 27, 2018:  Joe playing guitar silently outside Simple Pleasures Cafe on Balboa on my way to yoga. Yoga w/Carl. Max there. G.G. Park runners being cheered on: “It’s all downhill from here.” Former Mayor Mark Farrell there. Burning BBQ fire. Friendly black guy at cafe on 9th Street. As I leave I say: “Don’t forget your [brownie].” He says, “Good point.” Big black “lady of the night” smiles at me at 9th & Irving. As I contemplate that on the bus home, get anonymous call. Dr. Ford testified that her sexual assault resulted in claustrophobia.

September 27 dream:  Win $100,000 from some casual effort.

September 27 dream:  Cleaning up purse w/amber light 9 sectioned design.

September 27 dream:  Little option.

September 27 dream:  Secretary friend of mine going to Hawaii for weeks. Try to catch #5 bus twice and miss it.

September 26, 2018:  My Asian friend at 101. Blake, Letticia, other guy at Super Duper. Rincon. Beautiful, hot Asian guy at One Market Plaza. (*Relates to 2 hawks and pitbull from hier?) Then go to Castro Theater. Was going to pick up will-call ticket to “The Happy Prince” but decided I didn’t want to wait around for 2 hours. Followed guy in to 440 Club, place where J. hangs out. I looked around. Didn’t see him there. Tried to imagine him there. Felt happy afterwards. (*Relates to coyotes hier who I could hear but didn’t see?) See Walter with two friends at outdoor table on Castro. #35 to G.P. Seth there. Looks like Jesse did not apply for the barista opening there. Ft. Collins mentioned on news. Then the word “kismet” on crossword puzzle I was working on. Rick Thomas calls my email to EC emotional since I said they rejected out proposal, which they did. Kind of knocks me out.

September 26 dream:  Heather says I need to get to know Ben better before I can help him. Weekend of ghost festival in town. (h.o.)

September 26 dream:  Super about to show me how to _____.

September 26 dream:  Some of us are supposed present Advance Seminar to some young people in Oregon very soon. We are meeting to get out notes together.

September 26 dream:  It’s Wednesday. I have a talk to give on Thursday. Run into Bob M. He says he’s going to be there. He gives me a big roll of money and some sheets and towels to wash. I go to resto and lady helps me.

September 26 dream:  Worried about ____ to be today. [Phone call wakes me up.] Earlier, girl getting interested in me. Me getting interested in girl. (*Relates to big, black “lady of the night” on 9/27?)

September 25, 2018:  Tall, blond, guy w/dark glasses on #29 on way to yoga. When he moved to the back of the bus, so did I. Then I sat right adjacent to him. Young lady w/tight gray pants and aqua-colored finger nails got on the bus and sat opposite him. No words were spoken but suddenly he’s thrusting his phone at her and saying, “Can I get your number?” She gives it to him. It was a magical moment, like something out of the wild. Max at Butter Love. Lucia at yoga. Walk home via G.G. Park. Two hawks circle while angry pitbull behind dog fence barks at me. About to take picture of bisons when fire sirens sound. Coyotes go wild. Later I walk by them but don’t see any. Run into runners again, finishing up at the polo field. Asian friend I see all the time at 101 smiles at me broadly. On 101, he barely acknowledges me. Hawk(?) at 9th & Irving. Meet young man from Denmark. He’s exchange student studying business at SFSU. Realized reason I always flinch when people talk about being a chicken was ’cause I was a chicken w/my father. Never really stood up to him. Jerk off in p.m.

September 25 dream:  Guy calls during a picnic. I answer phone. He wants to order a hot dog. I’m not sure we have any more. Just some long olives.

September 25 dream:  Lots of guys, many shirtless, show up in the basement of my new place of work. They are ready to fight. Not a fight club, but like a rave. I see a few guys I know.

September 24, 2018:  Call from “Private Number” says he’s looking for John Pinkerton. Short conversation. He says he’s concerned about my time-share. I say I’ve had no problem. He calls me a dick. Bring C.B. app to Jesse at Railroad Expresso. Leave it w/other barista. Cute guy w/cute white dog at Peets Cafe Cole Street. Nick and Jimmy at yoga on Hayes. Guy sitting on steps after yoga is Kipp school psychologist. Reading book about group connected by sleep disorder. Then we talked about dreams. Then he asked me what book I would recommend. I said: “Strangers in a Strange Land” by Robert Heinlein. Told him I don’t read much anymore. Said I’d see him next week. Then remembered we’re off for a couple of weeks. He wished me “Namaste.” I did the same. Meet cute older French couple looking for “8.” Oh, “Haight.” Told them how to get there in French. Guy on Frida Kahlo Avenue I got off the bus one stop early for. Monday Night group meeting in p.m.

September 24 dream:  Beautiful large school hall is lit differently then usual for a special occasion, like a school dance.

September 24 dream:  Finally find apt. I like in Paris and move in. Thom Hartmann asks me if I’m going to become a fireman. I say I briefly thought of it.

September 24 dream:  Go to Prosperos center to work. People there ignore me. Go to house next door. Thane there. Others. I go into next room to put down food I brought. Thane follows me. He is wearing beautiful floor length shirt. I say, “Wow. That’s beautiful.” He smiles. I say, “You don’t get that at Army Surplus.” He smiles.

September 24 dream:  Mystery train car. I enter. There are no windows or openings. I have a box key that I hope will open the far door. It doesn’t work.

September 24 dream:  Leigh touching my shoulder in front of girl I’m angry with.

September 23, 2018:  In ’til 3ish. Walk to G.P. Matt at C.B. Walk above G.P. Walk by Bill Larsen’s old house on Turquoise. Get mad at CVS cashier for charging me for Sunday paper I had bought elsewhere. Young guy on Chaves smiles at me. See two crows, then hawk on Rockdale Drive. Cute young guy on Mt.D. smiles at me. See key on sidewalk at Monterrey & Ridgewood. TR group in p.m. Hanz joined us. Melissa really thought woman accusing Kavanaugh was making it up.

September 23 dream:  Waiting for something, our group agrees to have (mock) auction. I give mic to loudest person.

September 23 dream:  At end of work day panicky maid wants me to take her retarded kid. Then I get upset at Alan Blackman. I hold his arms so he won’t touch me but my touch of him feels affectionate in spite of myself.

September 23 dream:  Flooding at bottom of Oroville dam. Cars and people being turned over. Tom O. and I try to use their very small elevators to get down there. Tom is more insistent than I.

September 23 dream:  Reaching for day-old Sunday paper in the recycling bin. Looking for place to have coffee and something to eat. Smart ass homeless woman finds home with rat outside.

September 22, 2018:  In ’til 4:30ish working on exporting Imaginary Interview with the USA to SoundCloud. Talk to Mary at library. Matt at C.B. Walk by Jun’s salon. Myka at Safeway told me a very sad story of a Ukranian gamer friend of his who died after being conscripted. Cute gay baristo at Philz. Guy who held the door open for me at home as I carried in two bags of groceries. Worked on getting Imaginary Interview with Jesus on YouTube. I think my Imaginary Interviews are getting lost on SoundCloud. While watching Masters of Sex, I came up with an insight about why I’m pissed at sexuality: You’re trying to make me forget where I came from.

September 22 dream:  Drinking w/friend to fall asleep while others around me meet and discuss things. (h.o.)  (*Falling in love and falling asleep:  is there a connection?)

September 22 dream:  Touring big ship with a diverse group. Jane Kennedy there. She was happy. She says she walks “like a bird.” Young man draws tremendously detailed drawing as part of assignment we need to turn in. I wonder how he did it in just the time we had on the ship. Two tough-acting young women find each other.

September 22 dream:  Having dinner w/three other people. They want me to take a picture of them. My hands and my camera are all messy w/food.

September 22 dream:  I ask girl to marry me in order to stop people from always asking me about that. (*My sister Nancy asked me at the family reunion two weeks ago: “Is there anyone special in your life?” I lie and say “No” ’cause it’s so difficult to explain. Yes, there has been somebody special in my life since January of 1987. But not in the usual understanding of that phrase. We communicate with each other often, but only anonymously. I’m probably communicating with him right now. I believe he reads this diary. And I refer to him in this diary from time to time. Anonymity is not my choice, but his. It’s not a relationship I can get out of. I’ve tried. It has made me happy and not-so-happy, like any relationship. And it has been going on for 31 years. And it’s real, though not apparent to others. And it’ll probably last for the rest of my life.)

September 22 dream:  Landlord comes by my friend’s apt. He tries to hide. So do I. But door opens on its own and I go outside. And landlord comes in. He talks to my friend. They get along. Three of us are hanging out in front. I put on a cap they gave me. I look like somebody else, but good. The hat fits.

September 21, 2018:  In ’til 4ish. Another overcast day. Finally about finished w/Imaginary Interview w/the United States. Go out to Ocean Avenue. My gay Asian friend at Ocean Avenue hardware store. Security guard at Ocean Avenue Target. Cashier at Ocean Avenue Target. Walk to Mt.D. Guy waring Hofstra T-shirt on my way down. Cute Asian guy at W.F. as I was heading out. He went down to parking. I went up to my apt.

September 21 dream:  Christian Science version of my/our book.

September 21 dream:  We were at table talking about guy who wasn’t there. Perhaps he died. Woman takes an interest in me. I wished I could wash my hands ’cause they were all gooey.

September 21 dream:  Visit (via TV) “Battle of Hastings” store. Earlier: party for me. I offer to clean up drops of shit in the toilet, which I hadn’t flushed. Young black mother says she’ll do it.

September 21 dream:  Packing up a whole bunch of stuff w/help from some Prosperos friends. Marion Bell there. She says she saw Tom C. recently. I say, “So did I.” Worried about getting all the stuff in the car. Then on to So. 1^st Street in San Jose. Then on to airport. They are having a party in the back apt. The apts. above are very quiet. Most everybody gathers around TV to watch popular program which spoofs another program. On TV, woman dancing w/shirtless man from behind. Earlier: Brian Malanaphy won a house in Hawaii, I think.

September 20, 2018:  Very good-looking guy gets off #29 before I can connect w/him. Walk to Butter Love. Max there. Tells me about time he met Juliette Binoche in Paris. Yoga with Carl. Walk home via G.G. Park. Beautiful runners there. Beautiful young guy on #43 home. He seemed a little empty. Listen to Jean Houston in p.m.

September 20 dream:  The party wraps up between the three different parts of my family. Three of us got gifts and also do most of the clean-up. Guy says, “We ought to have more names on the wall.”

September 20 dream:  White guys wearing clothes in the shower singing, “Young, Gifted and Black” at end of work shift.

September 20 dream:  Big rock star comes into basement resto wearing women’s shoes. Big kerfuffle.

September 20 dream:  Walking down street. Got call on my cell phone from Prosperos group: Tanya, Heather W. and William F. Phone goes dead. Then comes back. Tanya is doing most of the talking. I think it’s nice we have a new person interested in what we are trying to do.

September 19, 2018:  Took about 1-1/2 hour to get downtown via Muni. 101 with John F. Max and Blake at Super Duper. Also beautiful Asian man w/friendly gray pit bull. Talked to him briefly on my way out. Gay guy at Rincon Plaza. I saw him across the plaza holding his arms up like somebody just scored a goal. We maintained eye contact when he passed by. F to Castro. #35 to G.P. Matt at C.B. He tells me that barista who had a crush on me returned to Sacto. Jesse and Frank at Railroad Expresso.

September 19 dream:  Passed French test. Was thinking of taking Spanish test but was not quite ready.

September 19 dream:  Lady volunteers to type letter I need to send to the DMV. At first I refuse. Then I accept. Then beautiful, handsome Latino or Asian guy. (h.o.)

September 19 dream:  My room has ceiling to floor paintings and hangings covering the wall, many of George W. Bush and peasants escaping fire strewn streets. Visiting friend comments that he likes it.

September 19 dream:  Approaching truck driver we had offended. My partner didn’t want to do it, but I thought it would be okay.

September 18, 2018:  Woke up early in a.m. trying to formulate my thoughts about a response to Executive Council’s denial of permission to present Comprehensive Workshop. Wrote an article in the BB about it. (See BB Blogs.) In ’til 1:30ish. Go to yoga on Balboa. Lucia back from Oregon retreat. Jimmie from Monday yoga class there, looking good. Max also. Walk home via G.G. Park. Big race. Lots of kids running to the finish line w/lots of adults urging them on: “You’re almost there!” Walk to 9th and Judah. #43 home. Finally figure out Adobe Audition for my Imaginary Interview with the USA in p.m.

September 18 dream:  Good-looking show-offy guy visits office. He’s brother to another good-looking guy already there. People don’t like him. I think he’s funny.

September 18 dream:  3 short friends decide to stay friends even after their short job.

September 18 dream:  Writing Phil Matier(?)

September 18 dream:  Guy feeling other guy’s ass at party. I want to save the video for later.

September 18 dream:  My sister Laurie coming to pick me up for something.

September 17, 2018:  Two anonymous calls at 8 or 9 am. In ’til 2ish. Very frustrating a.m. trying to deal with Adobe Audition. Took #43 to yoga. Met young man w/guitar. We had nice conversation comparing his generation to mine. I told him things are better now. Dropped my camera and stepped on it after I got off the bus. Call for Mr. Pinkerton while I’m at Peets Cole Valley. Guy at yoga same as 3 weeks ago. Came w/girl he was tied to (tied by?) Eloise on bus ride home. Meeting w/Rick and Melissa in p.m. re Monday night group.

September 17 dream:  Some don’t make it to The Prosperos event.

September 17 dream:  Avocado salad for 3 to celebrate Trump’s health law.

September 17 dream:  Woman w/naked manly breasts talking w/me and other guy.

September 16, 2018:  Sunday Meeting business meeting at 11am. Good meeting. Go to G.P. Matt at C.B. While checking out other cute guy, Asian guy smiles at me. Turns out I had met and talked to him weeks ago. (See Diary of August 11.) His name’s Hariuk. He’s very young. Very cute. Very Japanese. Studying English and hotel management. As we part, he says, “I hope I see you again.” I say, “Me, too.” On Oct. 5, he goes to Boston for 3 months. Then back to Japan. (*Relates to “Expect the Unexpected” from hier? As I was making this connection, guy walking up Mt.D. smiles at me.) Old, rich, unattractive but self-assured black man sitting in his parked white car, smiles at me like he wants me. I smile back. Later white car drives up behind me. I fantasize it’s him, wanting me. In my fantasy, I feign helplessness. Try to cover my hard white dick and lily white butt. But it’s no use. See Myka at Safeway 2^nd day in a row. He seems very busy.

September 16 dream:  At a bus station, request some live music.

September 16 dream:  Go to event. Feel two strange new lumps on back of my left leg. In dream, I’m 78 and want to make it to 80.

September 15, 2018:  In ’til 3:15ish. Anonymous call at 3:30pm. Hot guy on Monterey. His penis showed thru his pants. I coulda woulda done him right there. Perhaps I did. He smiled. Seth at C.B. for 2^nd day in a row. Guy at C.B. who I talked to about his Kindle. Hear hawk at G.P. Guy on Evelyn Way carrying two jugs of water to water his plants. I say, “Two different kinds of water?” He says, “No, I just didn’t have a jar big enough.” Then cute guy/gal coming out of home on Chaves Avenue smiles at me. Walk up to Mt.D. 3 girls coming down hill talking about the movie Insidious. Steven and Myka at Safeway. Aretha Franklin 8-hour memorial in p.m.

September 15 dream:  Move to a new apartment Don’t like it. It’s more expensive and in an isolated location. Stop by snack shack. I want a milkshake but they say they don’t have any, even though there’s a milkshake machine there. Couple pushes ahead of me to get their order.

September 15 dream:  Signing up for new owner(?)

September 15 dream:  Run into Chris H. He’s having trouble getting his book published. Later get together w/couple. We see sunrise ceremony together. Couple doing ceremony are getting married.

September 14, 2018:  Go to W.P. to pick up new glasses. Two cute, young, tough acting black men on Muni on way back. Then beautiful Asian man embracing woman. I touch his arm on way out of Muni. Hugh John calls. Later I give him access to GTM. Walk to G.P. Seth at C.B. Talk to him about BCS, Korean boy band. Ask him what he’s playing. He says Lauv. Two young girls turn around and smile at me. Finish Imaginary Interview with USA. Walk thru G.P. up to Mt.D. Guy on #43 held eye contact longer than he needed to. Guy outside W.F. who I stood behind at checkout. Meet young guy moving into apartment and back to S.F. after not finding enough friends in Seattle.

September 14 dream:  Cave people underneath bushes and underneath ground where we were standing. Our guide says to just leave them the way they are. I notice a white lady down there. She says, “You should be 10 years older.” I say, “I am 10 years older.”

September 14 dream:  Driving at night with the brakes not working very well.

September 13, 2018:  Risk my life trying to catch #29 to Balboa Street yoga. Cute Asian guy gives me “bother me—don’t bother me” look. I stand until seat next to him is vacant. Finally ask, “Does this bus go to the Presidio?” He says, “I don’t know.” Later I ask, “How far are you going?” He says, “Balboa Street.” I say, “Is that were you live?” He says, “No. I’m going to visit a friend.” When he gets off at Balboa, I get off after him. He looks back a few times. (*Relates to hawk from W.P. station two days ago?) Meet Joy (co-owner of Purusha Yoga) on way to Butter Love bakery. Black guy in line, then, when I look again, he’s gone. Run into Max at Butter Love. Walk home from yoga via G.G. Park. Hear hawk in G.G.P. Shits in p.m. In p.m, come up w/solution for presentation of Comprehensive Workshop (*See 2nd dream of September 11.)

September 13 dream:  Muhamed coming back on next trip w/other student.

September 13 dream:  J. taking off pants and putting on something else. I hope it’s sexy.

September 13 dream:  Guy (me?) marries into Disney family. His/my father-in-law would be Walt.

September 12, 2018:  Handsome, impressive black guy at 101, takes my hand-outs. Beautiful but scary young, blond homeless guy towards the end of our stay at 101. Blake and Max at Super Duper. Two guys at Rincon: one entering the men’s room as I exit. The other while I was looking for a table. Matt at C.B. Young black couple (male and female) take long time in the bathroom. Matt finally knocks on the door. Shits when I get home. Anonymous call at 5:30 p.m.

September 12 dream:  Matching circular cave to get in touch w/other cave. (h.o.)

September 12 dream:  Connie Caves “jokingly” trying to boss me around.

September 12 dream:  Two guys (w/o tickets) trying to get thru maze and authorities to see the show. At end two dirty college kids get mixed up w/large homeless group.

September 11, 2018:  Take like 5 buses to Chestnut Street camera store. Hawk at W.P. station. Hear hawk at Clarendon. Buy new camera, insurance, case. Rush to yoga at 3:15 p.m. Max there. Back from Germany and France. Walk thru arboretum to 9^th & Irving. Hear of lots of ducks(?) making noise in the background. Guy there who shows me what buses stop there. I take N w/him to 9^th & Judah.

September 11 dream:  Dream to do w/spacemen?

September 11 dream:  Touch and raise hands together to remind ourselves of our goal as a group.

September 10, 2018:  Take #29 to VA. Meet SFSU criminal justice student. We admire each other’s T-shirts. I had on my “Frisco” T-shirt. He had on a “Sunnyside” T-shirt. Then high school kid at cafe at 33^rd Avenue and Geary. Walk to VA from there. Get to class early. They tell me to wait. I decide to leave. Go home. Go to 4:30 yoga on Hayes Street. Same instructor as class I had just dropped out of. Felt scary, like being a kid, going up against authorities who think they know what’s best for me. S.E. group at 7pm. We talk about our response to not being allowed to present Comprehensive Workshop.

September 10 dream:  The whistle blows. It’s time to compete w/my friend in baseball. (*Relates to writing response to not being allowed to present Comprehensive Workshop.)

September 10 dream:  Rushing home and back in only a towel. Run into Hugh John on way back. (*Relates to writing response to not being allowed to present Comprehensive Workshop.)

September 9, 2018:  Drive home from Santa Cruz. Hear Richard Wagner’s “Wedding March” on radio. Drop off car. Walk by J’s place. Go to Chestnut Street. Camera store closed. #28 to Ocean. See my hot friend at Ambrosia. He goes out of his way to say goodbye to me. Take 3 hour nap. Walk to Mt.D. Rearrange apt. to fit in table Aunt Joanne gave me.

September 9 nap dream:  Riding across river in England w/two women in the front seat. The door on the right was open. I shut it from the back. Woman was unfazed. We were very close to the water. I think they were thinking of driving in.

September 9 dream:  Bob M. sprays my mouth w/tooth whitening as he and his girlfriend leave for the day.

September 9 dream:  Teasate desonate.

September 9 dream:  Tom O. brings back not-very-attractive guy from party. They get out of shower together. Both have short pants on.

September 9 dream:  At therapy session, one of the leaders (Willem Defoe) wants to have sex with me. He takes his clothes off. He has a hard-on. I embrace him and sooth him instead.

September 8, 2018:  Got email today that Al did not approve our presenting Comprehensive Workshop class. Walk to downtown Santa Cruz. 3-way fender bender on Water Street. Cute greeter at CVS. Call from Melissa while walking downtown. Cafe. Cute guy on Pacific smiles at me, as if he knows me. Then I cruise dark cute guy on Pacific. Walk to Foster’s Freeze. Feel “shitty.” (*Relates to cute black worker there adjusting his pants for me.) Meet “Iron Man” on way to S.C. Boardwalk. Walk towards Aptos. Run into Nancy & Marissa in their car. Turn back. Run into Iron Man again. His name’s Merrick. He’s from S.F. (*Relates to last night’s dream of white male being stripped by black guys? Also to 3-way fender-bender from today?) Same black guy at Whole Foods-type store on Soquel as hier. Family reunion dinner – part III. Was pretty good. Finally met Matt, my step-sister’s son. Met Carly, my 11-month old daughter of my nephew Jordan. Robin. Leigh. Cathy. Laurie, Nancy. Marissa. Michelle. Sam. And more. (*1^st and 3^rd dreams of last nite relate to tonight’s reunion dinner part III.)

September 8 dream:  I volunteer to type class list though it’s a pretty big job.

September 8 dream:  Someone squashed the flower I carefully put in vase.

September 7, 2018:  Walk to downtown Santa Cruz. Hear hawk near river. Guy playing, “Got a letter from my baby.” 2^nd time I walked by him, decided to throw in a dollar. Since all he had was bit of change in his open guitar case, I thought that would be enough. Just as I threw in my dollar, woman came by and threw in $5. I took that as confirmation that I would “get a letter from my baby.” Cute dark UPS driver on walk home. Two big shits today. 4:30 dinner at Billy’s rental. Meet Heath and Trevor, Joel’s sons. Had good connection with Trevor’s fiance. Left a little early. (*See first dream of September 6.) Last weekend at Prosperos assembly, I learned how much I feared nonacceptance by my family. This weekend, I have opportunity to confront that.

September 7 dream:  Docked on ship but still battered by storm and incoming waves. Couple of men die.

September 7 dream:  A white thief runs through a bunch of black men. One pulls his shoe off. I hope they pull his pants off. (h.o.)

September 7 dream:  Students take over Sunday Meeting. I say to Ann, “Be gentle.” I was supposed to be speaker. I had on my black shorts. Later there was voting for what to auction.

September 6, 2018:  Drive to Santa Cruz. Some hawks. Family reunion dinner in p.m. in Soquel. Difficult time getting there. First night of three. People were happy to see me.

September 6 dream:  Walking. Wondering how long this would take. Trying to find a place to stop. Try to avoid a few dangerous homeless people. (*Relates to Dinner II on September 7?)

September 6 dream:  Cute girl at Market and Castro asks me to attend her play rehearsal on Saturday or Sunday nite.

September 5, 2018:  101. Rincon. Meet Danny the magician at Market and Castro. Take #24 with him to Mission. On way two of his school friends greet him. He seems very concerned about them. 11:20 am blank message when I get home. Memory of Menlo Park garage. Something scary.

September 5 dream:  At ranch trying to get under covers “purely.”

September 5 dream:  Making love to strange lady in Paris while her boyfriend watches. When I took off my pants, she didn’t want to any more. They didn’t want me to leave, but I got away. Had to leave some papers behind. Walked thru other dark, strange parts of Paris. Met cute guy who offered me pie. He was somehow connected w/other couple. AME church bus passes by.

September 4, 2018:  Go to yoga at 3:15 pm.

September 4 dream:  Decide to run for office. Go to the Army boys who have guns. One grabs the hole in my pants. (h.o.)

September 4 dream:  Child genius wants me to dress up so we can impress somebody and advance in our lives.

September 3, 2018:  Drive home. Leave about 6 or 7am. Get to SF about 3pm. Take 4 hour nap when I get home.

September 3 dream:  Melbourn speaks on d-day and again soon after. Wanting big poster.

September 3 dream:  Waiting for Harvey Rose from City Hall. He is gay icon. (h.o.)

September 3 dream:  Leigh upset that I did something to upset her daughter Isabelle.

September 2, 2018:  Sunday at Assembly. I give my talk at about 9:30 am. Goes over pretty well. Not sure many in the audience of 26 or so who really give a damn about the teachings of The Prosperos. Not sure why they are even there. I showed my “What is a Prospero?” YouTube video. The volume was too low and they didn’t want to turn the light down so it would be brighter on the wall. In breakout group in afternoon, I shared that I still felt nervous, even after my talk. Later I discovered that my real nervousness for the whole weekend was the banquet dinner where it would really be apparent how uncomfortable I was/am with this group of people. Probably relates to family history as well. Family reunion next weekend in Santa Cruz. More of the same?

September 2 dream:  Guy shoots gun. People duck. He runs out into the street. He may have been hit, but I/we are still in danger. Try to call 911.

September 1, 2018:  Ran into Amy having breakfast with Hanz. I sat down with them. Hanz left. Amy told me about herself. Not quite so excited about her now. Had shits about 3:30 p.m. Assembly during the day and evening. Had dinner with Calvin and Tibor at expensive Italian place.  Later both Tibor and I had the runs.

August 31, 2018:  Lots of hawks on drive down to Long Beach. Terrible traffic contractions in Santa Barbara and S.F. Valley and 405 south leading to Long Beach. Got lost in L.B. Used Google maps. (*Young hawk from hier relates to someone calling for John Pinkerton before I take off? Or to Amy Cuff at Assembly late on that p.m.?) Got very excited about Amy Cuff in p.m. Could hardly wait to see her next day.

August 30, 2018:  Yoga at 2pm w/Lucia. #29 both ways. Black woman who I hated when she got on the bus heading to VA I kind of admired when she left. (*Relates to Calvin at Assembly?) Young hawk on 25^th Avenue while waiting for #29. Get off at SFSU. Guy on Juniper Serra likes my “Frisco” T-shirt. Walk home. Meet Ryan on way in. He’s just moving in to 4^th floor. Evening of lots of noise from Apt. 429 above me. Had to go up at 1:20 am and calm them down. He was nice as usual. I think it was his girlfriend who was making all the commotion.

August 30 dream:  I’m very concerned about the economy of the gay community I live in. See Bob M. at store. I pull on some wire from my nose and start to bleed.

August 29, 2018:  101. Older naked guy walks by. Guy playing Xmas song. Rincon. Take F to Castro. Guy asks me about my TYT T-shirt. Think he may have been coming on to me. Strange couple on K. Hot but unresponsive young guy at W.F. Sign apt. lease. Watch two Bruce Lee DVDs in p.m.

August 29 dream:  One tells me how to behave (h.o.) I’m on trial?

August 29 dream:  Trying to rescue a whole bunch of people smoking opium or something. (h.o.)

August 29 dream:  Looking at apt. in back of house. Something to do w/Russian novel. Doug Galias comes by. He shows me note from his wife. She lists 4 master cycles. He shows me apt. he says he is not interested in.

August 29 dream:  American in Paris. Remember why I didn’t like being there. I didn’t know what to do, where to go. Something about Hugh John’s sons. Amy Goodman tells me how successful resto next door is. 200-300 customers daily. It’s closed today.

August 29 dream:  We’re about to have our sandwiches. I’m sitting on some guy’s lap. Then I get off. Earlier I see Bill Murray on the street. We wave. He looks pretty bedraggled.

August 28, 2018:  11 am anonymous call. 12 pm anonymous call. Yoga at 2pm. Lucia, Mike, Brian and me. “Enter the Dragon” showing at Balboa Theatre. Walk home. Hear hawk on way to S.G. Guy walking his dog at S.G. He likes my TYT T-shirt. Mr. Blair on K on way home. Walter at W.F. Insight: I think my step-family was a cult.

August 28 dream:  Return Thane’s car to meeting place. Try to avoid some women outside. Part of SF I’m rarely in. Leave car w/someone. Freudian slip: I say Mary Ritley instead of Mary Renault. (h.o.) I wonder how long Thane will live.

August 28 dream:  Singer guy has big room for his flat. He hasn’t done much w/it. I ask about his girlfriend. Then she appears, very well dressed in business suit, and leaves. He says he’s really a “second.” I said, “You mean like if I married Oprah?” Oprah appeared and asked what we were talking about.

August 28 dream:  J. at his store. There’s a busy line of people he’s helping. He doesn’t see me. I leave.

August 28 dream:  W/friend in big shopping area. Wonder If I got together w/someone if I’d be the type of person to ignore my friends.

August 27, 2018:  Meet Ming Ming at Walgreens on Ocean Avenue.  Cute effeminate gay Asian on Ocean I follow to Ashton Avenue. I ask him, “Are you lost?” He says, “I’m waiting for Uber.” I say, “Good ole Uber.” (*Relates to hawk in G.P hier?) Later gal on Sloat. (*Relates to distant hawk at same time as main hawk hier in G.P.) My VA primary emails me that there was no difference in my ECG from 2016 and 2013. (*Relates to animated dream of August 25 in which people trapped are no longer trapped?  Also to 3838 and 1111 from hier?) Go to yoga on Hayes. Take #43 before. I sit across from guy laughing at something on his phone. Finally, I say, “You watching something on YT?” No response. New guy at yoga. I ask him, “Are you coming or going?” He says, “I’m staying.” Turns out he was w/girl who he stuck to like glue. Also, nice young man there who told me this was like the yoga class he took in Louisville, KY. Jimmie there also. Drop cottage cheese at W.F. Meet cashier Henry at W.F. S.E. group in p.m.

August 27 dream:  Trying to finish task at new company. Not sure if I did or where to turn it in. Woman who was pregnant w/two babies in two bodies. I wondered what her tits looked like. I told host that he had nice house to bring guests over.

August 26, 2018:  TR: Truth is unobstructable functionality. In ’til 2:30ish. Walk to G.P. Cute guy at San Jose and Santa Rosa Avenues. Then cute guy crossing pedestrian overpass on 280. Matt at C.B. Also very smelly homeless person decides to sit next to me. Big hawk at G.P. Shirtless runner near Tower Market. Pee on walk up Mt.D. TR group in p.m. Occlude means: to shut up.

August 26 dream:  Richard B. flirting w/Nancy O. Nancy O. liking it.

August 26 dream:  Old tiger comes to the compound. It can hardly move. It wants me to play w/it. I’m waiting for J. Then real live tiger makes an appearance, moving quickly towards us, then away. It doesn’t want to be trapped. I wake up.

August 26 dream:  2 or 3 of us confront our boss and tell her she’s got to treat us better. She refuses. Then becomes a kind of alien ET with long skinny fingers.

August 25, 2018:  Beautiful black man at W.F. Kind face. Wonderful Afro. Mary at library. Give her my BB3 link. Met Alan at Ocean and Miramar. Followed him to library. He is a cute, friendly Asian structural engineer. Knows Spanish & Mandarin (and flawless English). Just moved to neighborhood. (*Relates to hawk I see and hear hier in G.G. Park?)  Walk to G.P. Matt at C.B. See distant hawk/hear hawks at G.P. Mt.D. Myka at Safeway. He was sitting on outside bench, taking his break, exactly where we left off last week. I asked him if he knew about “Euler’s Identity.” He did. Then he started to talk about exponential logic. He talked about the equation 1/1+∞ = 0, which is almost exactly the equation 1/∞ = 0 which I wanted to share w/him. To me, this proves that if we concede to an infinite universe, there can be nothing finite. That is, 1/∞ = 0. He didn’t quite see if the same way, but we were pretty close. Carried grocery bags all the way home. Jury duty on Person of Interest. Also, 3838 or 1111 (meaning, to me, that everything is okay.)

August 25 dream:  Animated (black & white cartoon), progressive people (guys marrying guys) in NY and LA are trapped but finally freed when the electronic walls are brought down.

August 25 dream:  Friend and I stop to eat in small town. He wants David Miles to stop being in the band. I look for place to pee. Now we’re on top of moving train and David is talking to me about his band: “The public has got to change needles.” Then someone arranged for him to talk to Ben Gilberti.

August 25 dream:  Moved law books down steep slide to new office. Now looking for Leibnitz. Little half-naked black boy w/gray hair runs at me from another part of the building and wants to play.

August 25 dream:  Take lunch break at place that serves no lunch, though woman did offer me a seat. I begin letter. It’s almost 2 pm. I need to get back to work.

August 24, 2018:  Go to VA. Vicky there. Beautiful guy in waiting room. Amazing body with loose but body-hugging clothes. Last appointment there was with EKG. My ECG is abnormal, I read from paper lady gave me without a word. I’m in a sort of daze. I walk about 10 blocks. Then walk back. (Hear and see hawk in G.G. Park.) My primary has left. Very nice guy at Medical Practices tries to help me out. He offers to leave my ECG in primary’s mailbox. I say okay. Go to downtown Transit Center. Hoped the bus would enter the center. It just dropped us off on Mission Street. F to Castro. Spikes. Then leave before I get my drink ’cause #35 arrives unexpectedly. Go to G.P. Seth at C.B. Cute guy in front of BART smiles at me. I think his father picked him up. Take BART home. Then #8. Connor at W.F. Email my VA primary. TR in p.m. Concl: Truth is one equally androgynous indisputable heart. Or: Love is indisputable.

August 24 dream:  About to release some photos of Auschwitz. Some think I’m being cynical.

August 24 dream:  Guy checking out my art ___ calls me “Obe.” Says I look like crap. I am trying to wear two blue jeans jackets. One around my waist.

August 24 dream:  The veterans who actually saw combat are congratulated. It gave me new insight into them.

August 23, 2018:  #29 and #31 to yoga. Cute Asian guy on #31. Lose him in the confusion of lady getting off bus w/her aisle-wide baby carriage. Left my yoga matt behind at Butter Love bakery. Then remember it. Walking home thru G. G.Park. Hear hawk. Meet guy at 19th Ave. & Sloat. He’s wearing big floppy hat to protect himself from the sun. He said, “I know it looks silly.” I say, “Yeah.” (*Relates to shits from hier about the same time.) Blank phone message from 12:41 pm when I get home.

August 23 dream:  Guy knocks on our back door w/30 religious refugees.

August 23 dream:  Dominic, the stewardess’s son and plane hall monitor, leaves the plane and will again.

August 23 dream:  I am living in big apt. alone. Carol Carter likewise. Calvin likewise. Woman really glad to see me as I leave apt. Carol Carter there too. Carol slaps woman to “wake her up.” Calvin is painting.

August 23 dream:  Talking w/Laurie, Ugur outside workplace. I tell Laurie that I lent my Mercedes to her daughter. I told her the brakes work, but you have to press them really hard.

August 22, 2018:  Anonymous call at 9:30 a.m. Call in sick for 101. Go to Rincon. Max and Blake at Super Duper. Anonymous call at 3:05 p.m. “Epic” T-shirt. Anonymous call at 4:40 p.m. Seth at C.B. Shits at C.B. Cute young guy in back seat of #35. I sit next to him. He poses for me on his way out.

August 22 dream:  Staging an indoor demonstration against war in the Pacific and other things. Someone from Christian Chron outside the window wants a quote.

August 22 dream:  Meet “crazy” street person w/AIDS and talk w/him.

August 22 dream:  Guy buying a house in Richmond, CA.

August 22 dream:  Me moving into very low level apt. Part of the stairway down is just a pole. Other man there looks homeless. Discover outside area, but once outside, the plants mostly dead.

August 21, 2018:  #29 to yoga. Have hot chocolate before. Shouldn’t have. #18 and walk back. Cute guy at W.F. Finished BB3 in p.m.

August 21 dream:  _____ puzzle.

August 21 dream:  Big plane flying over head.

August 21 dream:  Me and Carol Carter having sex or about to.

August 21 dream:  Me being in the same room w/the one I loved, the one I wanted to have sex with. He (or I?) was at the copy machine.

August 21 dream:  Rare sunny day in the Sunset.

August 20, 2018:  Work on BB3. Go to yoga. Meet old woman at Peets Cole Street who recommended Joanna Lumley (born on May 1). Robin from PDA after yoga.

August 20 dream:  Lucid dream:  It’s raining.

August 20 dream:  Screwed up some typing. Woman boss upset. June Brown(?) was our server. My co-worker found his address.

August 20 dream:  Join a newly forming sort of AA group made up of “lovers” from the straight life. Guy I had met brings me lots of gold to support the group. We wonder where he got it. Leader seems to like me. He says, “The right attitude is Important.” I say, “What is the right attitude?” and wake up.

August 20 dream:  Return from trip. Everyone goes their own way. Parents stay in their room. I go to the ___. Walk down street I hadn’t walked down in a while. It’s beautiful. Some construction work.

August 19, 2018:  Terrible night last night. Runny nose. 11am Sunday Meeting with Rick Thomas. Great talk on androgyny and eros. Calvin calls. In essence, says there’s nothing they can do to play my video at my Assembly talk. Then take nap. Then go to G.P. Matt at C.B. Get anonymous call at C.B. (*Relates to hearing hawk in G.P. hier?) Call Heather re playing video at her assembly talk two years ago. She said there is a 100% chance I would be able to do that as well. Felt betrayed by Calvin, my Prospero mother, my gay mother. (*Relates to England/mother dream of August 17?  Also my bad night from last night?)  TR group in p.m.

August 19 dream:  Decide to get rid of whole shelf of questionable food.

August 18, 2018:  Seth at C.B. Hear hawk at G.P. Cute little frisky, friendly dog and very old man at top of Mt.D. Also pregnant lady. Then squirrel on Myra. Steven at Safeway. Get a chance to actually talk w/him for a while as he was temporarily taking over the deli. Myka and I then talk and continue our conversation outside as he takes his break. At end, I say, “We’ll have to continue this next week.” he agrees. Watch “Love, Simon” DVD in p.m. Think of Thomas Carroll.

August 18 dream:  I ask roommate to hold it down w/his girlfriend. Now she sits across from him instead of next to him at resto next door.

August 18 dream:  In room trying to get to sleep alone. Kind of scary. Manager knocks on all the doors checking on everybody.

August 18 dream:  Washed my wig. Guy was going to give me a haircut but he had no openings ’til Friday at 8 am. I needed the haircut for work.

August 17, 2018:  “IRS call” just as I’m leaving home. (*Relates to shits from hier? Also shadow of hawk in G.G. Park hier?) Some nice/cute policemen at liquor store on S.J. Avenue. Seth at C.B. Walk to G.P. Walk to Mt.D. As I’m wondering if Therese Neumann’s miracles were real, tree stump which I had passed dozens of times comes out and scratches me. Two guys on #43 on way home. Dinner at Pakwan. Thane’s minimizing “being diddled with” as a child was meant as a help to me? “Cause I was diddled with, but I didn’t really think it was a big deal (though I thought I should think it was a big deal.) (*Relates to Thane dream of August 13?)

August 17 dream:  My new short boyfriend runs around.

August 17 dream:  In England, girl takes a real dislike to me and vice versa. Messy package guy gave me to mail fell apart. I try to put it back together. Older guy tries to help me out. (England is the mother country, so I think this dream is about my mother taking a dislike to me and vice versa.)

August 17 dream:  Woman going to get groceries. Returns. I attempt to go down ladder. My brother Tom seems to be in the way.

August 17 dream:  Taking trolley of sorts down side of beautiful seaside hill. Didn’t know what kind of vehicle it was, but it seemed to be working. I wished I had my camera. On the lower level, many babies whose heads appear to be green styrofoam. Man seeing his new baby. Another man smiling at his mathematical calculations. Older guy pushes other older guy around. They’re trying to sell some tract of land.

August 16, 2018:  Go to yoga. Really tough trip on #29. Walk to Balboa commercial area. Am in hurry to get to Butter Love before yoga. See interesting looking guy. Wait around for a few minutes. After he reads resto menu, I say, “Does it look good?” He says, “I think it looks really good.” He is beautiful, young, Asian, and beaming. I go on to Butter Love. There is a line so I head back looking for my Asian friend. I thought I saw him enter into one of the restos on Balboa, yet he was in none of them. Was he a tulpa? What would be the point, if he were. Wonderful yoga class. Walk thru G.G. Park on way home. Shadow of hawk. Feel shits coming on. Get home. Shits. “Expect the unexpected on Friday.”

August 16 dream:  Settle in for the nite on ship. Short captain’s mate offers me some space. (h.o.)

August 16 dream:  Administered medicine to the folks waiting. (h.o.)

August 16 dream:  This guy pretends that he’s J. I don’t think so. Then he smiles and my heart races.

August 16 dream:  Guy getting his kidneys operated on, his tits held up with tape.

August 16 dream:  Guy says he’s looking for something. I say, “Don’t worry. You’ll find it. We’ll all find it.” I’m feeling virile. Looking for a way out of resto thru the window. Too cluttered or women eating too much food in the way.

August 15, 2018:  2 anonymous calls in a.m. 101. 3 lesbian couples. Matt (who pretended he didn’t see me or know me). My Asian friend. Blake at Super Duper. Janitor at Rincon. Got off F at Market & 5th to give street drummer $5 in honor of the Aretha Franklin songs he was playing. Another F came right away. Young guy on F gave me look like he wanted to kill me or have sex w/me before getting off at 16^th Street. I walk up Castro to 19^th Street. Guy smiles at me on way. I take that as a good omen. Wait for #35. Throw trash away while waiting. Woman on #35 expressing interest in me. Matt at C.B. J home.

August 15 dream:  Lining something up w/o getting shit on me. (h.o.)

August 15 dream:  After Assembly party. I’m happy that I’m not drunk. Hugh John mad because the spotlight is too bright. Calvin holding black baby doll in his lap. I tell him, “You’re been productive.”

August 14, 2018:  #29 to Balboa. Skateboarder on #29 with cute butt and bad attitude. #31 to yoga. Stop at Butter Love first. Decided to give up on “healthy” drinks and get some hot chocolate. It was excellent and no nasty side effects. Girl leading prior yoga class smiles at me as I come in. Great yoga class w/Lucia. Later, outside, I asked her if she was driving back to Marin. Se said, no, she was going to get a chai tea. I kind of showed interest in going w/her but she shot me down—all nonverbally. (*Relates to hawk being chased away by other birds on O’Shaughnessy on 8/12?) Walk to Taraval. Then #29 home. Cute Asian guy on #29 gets off on Grafton. Meet with Billiejoe at W.F. at 5p.m We end up spending 4 hours or so improving my Jesus podcast. Giving Jesus a lower voice than mine. (*Relates to 2^nd dissemination dream of 8/12?)

August 14 dream:  Making sure the podcasts are saved correctly.

August 14 dream:  Bobby Reynolds and I have a nice chat.

August 13, 2018:  Anonymous phone call at 7:20 a.m.  First dream of August 12 relates to publishing my new podcast of Imaginary Interview with Jesus. #43 to yoga. Cute guy gets off at 9^th Avenue and Lawton. Peets on Cole St. Yoga. #43 home. Cody at W.F.

August 13 dream:  Road 7223 and ___ are both fast-track roads.

August 13 dream:  Was going to join the Navy, then realized I start a new temp job now and a new permanent job in a week. I needed a job for the health care.

August 13 dream:  In strange bus. Driver is long-haired guy with backless shirt, showing his butt. He drives down little hill. Puts on brakes. They don’t work. I shut front door of bus and get back in. It stops before it hits anything. Everybody gets out. It’s sort of a party now. I see Thane there. He has a white beard. He’s looking for Chester. Then talks about  B.P. Pecker. I try to talk to him as long as I can but other people come between us. I drop most of my hot dog. Guy asks me if I found a Coke. I say yes.

August 12, 2018: In ’til 3:30ish working on II-JC. Go to C.B. Matt plus four cute guys. Least attractive guy seemed most willing to play. Hawk on way up O’Shaughnessy. Mt.D. Cold and foggy day. “Hurricane John” settling down. TR group in p.m. Meteor shower this p.m.

August 12 dream:  Something is ready for dissemination (h.o.)

August 12 dream:  More dissemination. Being Jewish is the one sad omen of my life if I bed MiSS.

August 12 dream:  Old woman who wanted me to visit her. She said, “Sorry.” Then guy drives his jeep thru small pool next to his office. Then Clark Gable with “yet prophecies,” a gash in his mouth and chin, same disease my brother had.

August 11, 2018:  Jerk off in a.m. Anonymous call around 1pm makes me laugh. Go to new Transbay Terminal. So crowded I couldn’t get in. Walk up Market Street. Guy on F. I followed him off at Laguna. Walked to Castro. Waited at 19^th & Castro for #35. Go to G.P. Seth at C.B. Meet Hari at C.B. 19-y-o Japanese student of English and hotel management. Get haircut from Jun. Myka at Safeway. Beautiful man on #43 on way home.

August 11 dream:  In law office trying to help someone find something. I think maybe I should have been a lawyer.

August 11 dream:  Class is finishing up and I’m not sure I get the significance(?) Teacher says it would really be valuable to tweet him my resources.

August 11 dream:  At Harvey Milk plaza, woman teacher turns into cute male guy. He’s still working on problem. So am I.

August 10, 2018:  Go to dentist. Cute and sweet N Muni driver where J should have been. Black receptionist had tattoo on her breast. She smiled at me. Take F to Castro. Wait at 19^th & Castro for #24. Then J to G.P. Matt at C.B. K to W.F. Waited for Billy Joe. He didn’t show up. Worked on II w/J.C. Cleaned bathroom.

August 10 dream:  Marilyn D. stands in for one of the 4 female dancers. At a pausing point, she reaches back to me and I show her the various white flowers I am passing out during the dance.

August 10 dream:  Naked man on train. Later he is running naked on running path. Then he has pants on. I go to meet w/Ellen Degeneres to work on a project.

August 9, 2018:  Two rings at 8:15 a.m. Go to yoga class early. First stop at La Promenade Cafe on Balboa. Meet Richard (American citizen born and raised in Japan). We talked about ½ hour. At the end of our conversation, I asked him what sign he is. He said Cancer. I said, a Cancerian trying to reach out to someone might say, “Have you eaten?” Later realized that’s exactly what he did w/me when he asked me if I had any restos I could recommend. Later saw Lucia or a woman whose back side looked like Lucia in Butter Love cafe. Turns out it wasn’t Lucia, but she smiled at me anyway. Then hawk screaming and flying away in G.G. Park. Then woman w/nice breasts and her dog. She smiled at me, too. (Relates to 3 hawks from August 7? Also relates to dream of August 7 of being abroad in a foreign country and looking forward to getting home?) Hawk on 41st Avenue. Beaucoup of police on 15^th Avenue. Young woman on sidewalk and I exchange glances. Walk all the way home. W.F. Anonymous calls at 6 pm and 8:45 pm.

August 9 dream:  At end of concert, Sue Williamson (my manager) and Oprah give me designs to look over for possible two person concert: a musician and a speaker.

August 8, 2018:  Two fire alarms in early a.m. Many handsome men at 101 today. Blake, Max at Super Duper. Nice, cute janitor at Rincon smiles at me and vice versa. Take F to Castro. #35 right away to G.P. Pass J’s store. His bike there(?) Seth at C.B. Cute, young guy on #23. I get off at same stop he gets off, which was two past my usual stop. Feel scared at home of a repeat of last nite’s noise from upstairs neighbor.

August 8 dream:  Lucid Dream: Guy says to me, “You’ll have to kneel.” So I do.

August 8 dream:  Wheeling over whole bunch of cookies w/Rick T. (h.o.)

August 8 dream:  In gay steam room taking shower. Guy I like asked me if I have a pen. I say no. Then I realize he might be asking for something else.

August 7, 2018:  Painful wart on my left foot. Word tracked virus. “Warts and all.” Then this a.m. the saying: “worry wart.” That seemed to apply. #29 to yoga. Cute Asian guy gets off at SF State. Other guy stands in way as we leave stop. Same guy later gives me impish look when he gets of several blocks later. Victoria (formerly blonde barista) w/tattoos at La Promenade cafe on Balboa. Then other guy sitting across from me. Lucia and others at yoga. Walk home. 1 hawk, then 3 hawks near Holy Names School. Then single hawk on Vicente. Mary at library. Muscular guy in muscle T-shirt at W.F. I should have been turned on, I guess, but I wasn’t. #429 above having party? I go upstairs. Cute, sweet Asian guy answers door. He says he knows.

August 7 dream:  Am abroad, looking forward to plane landing home. Cute guy in trouble. Teacher leaves him be. Some old playwrights honored. Guy says, “I have to write a play soon.”

August 6, 2018:  Got up late. Worked on BB2 for hours. In ’til 3pm. Take #43 to yoga. Muscular guy from Wharton at Peets Cole Valley. Yoga #43 back. Cute Asian medical professional on #43. Guy on Ocean Avenue, looking back. Beautiful black homeless guy in front of Walgreens Ocean Avenue, his wife reading book on kundalini yoga, he said. Worked more hours on BB2 in p.m.

August 6 dream:  Laurie builds beautiful salad for tomorrow. (h.o.)

August 6 dream:  Calvin preparing a big meal for many. His cart tips over. A piece of the crust falls off. We pick it up and pretend nothing has happened.

August 6 dream:  I am poetically outlining my suicide.

August 6 dream:  Crinium.

August 6 dream:  Went to my doctor. Was trying to explain the importance of the unconscious to her.

August 5, 2018:  Worked on BB-Episode 2. Walk to C.B. back way. Guy on S.J. smiles at me as he heads into Balboa Park. I was happy about my work on BB2 and I think his smile was recognition of that. Matt at C.B. Walk to G.P. Then Tower Market. Bag man there interested in my DVD about the Third Reich. Mt.D. Guy wearing ankle boot, walking his dog, on way down. I thought he looked hot and the boot just added to the eroticism. He smiled at me. W.F. worker on my way in. Also odd couple walking out from #429. My new upstairs neighbor? TR group in p.m.

August 5 dream:  Lucid Dream: Decide to let the dog in. (I knew it was a dream, so I opted to let the dog in instead of shutting the door on him, as I had intended.)

August 5 dream:  They gave me a whole bunch of cash at work for the extra work I’ve been doing. So I put it in my pocket and get on a Muni trolley and just hope nobody notices it.

August 5 dream:  Looking at young woman’s naked butt. Worrying about my gay credibility.

August 5 dream:  Looking for $1 to pay fine in resto. A girlfriend pings me. Then asks if I want to go do something w/her. I say, “Sure.” Earlier went down Barro Street(?) in S.F., a street I had never been on before. On my bike, my brakes began to fail.

August 5 dream:  At party w/Thane and others. Tom C. there and blond version of him. I want to thank Thane but afraid I’ll gush. Go to back room. Someone tries to lock door. I was in wheelchair.

August 4, 2018:  Woke up realizing that seeing James Damore on August 2 could relate to dream of  July 30 of someone showing me a ghost movie that begins with the letter d.  Perhaps Damore was a ghost, a tulpa?  Also relates to “Prepare to be Amazed” from August 1?  S.E. workshop w/Richard, Muhamed and Marc.  Go to C.B. back way.  Guy w/Santa Cruz T-shirt on Ocean.  Big hawk flying away at freeway.  Cute young guy at store on San Jose.  Asian guy on Diamond smiles at me.  Matt at C.B.  Trip over step in G.P. Guy in gray sweater on way down Mt.D.  Calico cat sitting in street.  When I get out my camera, he/she takes off. Myka (and Leigh) at Safeway.  M. talks about quaternion math. Today is award day for four mathematician.  Talk with Mitchell on way home.  He went to school with Ana Kasparian of TYT.  I was wearing my TYT T-shirt.

August 4 dream:  Preparing something in the oven.  Then little mouse crawls out of the ground.  Then on me.

August 3, 2018:  Penis whitehead comes out of its own accord.  “The Name of the Wind” book arrives at library.  Go to G.P. back way.  Beautiful black guy on Ocean.  Matt at C.B.  4 Latino women at C.B. made me feel very sexy.  At first uncomfortably sexy.  Then more and more comfortably sexy.  Guy with friends on Chenery on my way to G.P.  Hawk at G.P.  Guy sitting on path in G.P.  Probably in his 20s, but looked about 16.  Perhaps he was waiting for sex.  Later saw a prospective partner for him walking his way.  Woman w/newborn on way out of G.P.  Tower Market.  Mt.D. Pre-med school student on #43. Microwave: Why should it working depend on my mind set? Then realized everything in my life works depending on my mind set.

August 3 dream:  Go on two pre-arranged dates. 2^nd w/guy named Eddie.

August 2, 2018:  8:02 am anonymous call.  Almost accident on Sunset on way to yoga with Carl.  Walk home via Golden Gate Park.  Pass through same “Outside Lands” area as two days ago.  So I “turn right.”  Run into beautiful youngish man.  Later he called me, “Sir.”  (*Relates to hawk from two days ago?)  Continue to 36^th Avenue.  Construction guy I felt I knew.  He looked like James Damore, guy who got fired from Google.  As I passed, he covered his face.  Also small hawk at about the same time.  Later another distant hawk in the Sunset.  Go to F.L.  Have same trouble connecting to WiFi like I used to.  Nice new (to me) baristo there.  Finally got WiFi connected as I was about to leave.  At home, microwave doesn’t work even thought staff says they fixed it.  TR/RHS.  Change my mind set. Try again. It works.

August 2 dream:  Palestinian barber ran a test which determined that I should continue to get my haircut there.

August 1, 2018:  101. See “Prepare to be Amazed.” Rincon. Sun finally out. Go to Castro. Nice guy smiles at me on way to 19^th Street. Go into J’s store to check out CBD prices. Overpriced. #35 to G.P. Matt at C.B. Met 2^nd Matt: graphic designer, photographer, cute,  friendly. Young hawk on Monterey while waiting for #23. Blank phone message from 1:03 pm when I get home. “Like a ghost” from Person of Interest show. (*See dream of July 30.)

August 1 dream:  Relaying messages or the number of messages to someone or organization. (h.o.)

August 1 dream:  Met blonde woman I had interviewed w/earlier for retail salesman position. Then went on run for 2.3 miles thru sand(?), mostly uphill.

August 1 dream:  Bus stops. Driver tries to clear the road. Beautiful part of S.F. I had never seen before that’s not on any postcards. Wealthy man who had built elevated pathway. Women jumping off cliffs into water. Market there w/many faces I recognize. One man singing beautiful, sad Jewish song. Into resto. Someone plops breakfast in front of me which I didn’t order. I’m toying w/getting outraged. But am sitting across from 3 friends who also work on Luke Street(?) near Special Street.

August 1 dream:  Staying at someone else’s home. Just took shit. About to shower. Show on TV about pampered dog w/a hat.

July 31, 2018:  Brian, Greg, Mike and Lucia at yoga class today. Walk home thru GG Park. Guy there from “Outside Lands” says, “Turn to the right.” (See 2^nd dream of July 30.) Then nearby hawk. Walk to Ambrosia in Lakeside. My friend not there. Then K home. Cute couple of young guys on K. One puts his hand on rail in front of me before leaving. I touch him briefly. He smiles. S.E. group in p.m. Tough night sleeping.

July 31 dream:  Working on two new websites from my apt. on Market Street.

July 31 dream:  Musical competition between two of us.

July 31 dream:  Guy tells us his boss asked me to do something, but he wouldn’t tell us what.

July 31 dream:  New resto taking a day or so to open.

July 30, 2018:  Couple of calls this a.m.  One anonymous.  One from Costco where I never shop.  I think J. is pissed.  My baristo at F.L.  Also Noah there tells me that Deshawn still there.  Climb to Mt.D.  Guy on Mt.D. who was so manly (not at all handsome) made me feel like a little girl.  Jesse briefly at Railroad Expresso. S.E. group in p.m.  Disagreement w/Melissa (*Relates to Thane dream of July 23?)  See Ryan Malanaphy on credits for Person of Interest Season #3.

July 30 dream:  Someone showing me a ghost movie that begins with the letter d.

July 30 dream:  I am at co-worker’s house for dinner. We are in Jerusalem. One of the guests exploded a bomb close to us. We yell, “Turn right” so he’ll be protected by the rock. Then we look up and see all the damage done above to others living on the hill.

July 30 dream:  Give something to Aunt Betty who’s working in S.F.  As I leave, she jokes about having sex w/me, in front of Elaine Benis.

July 30 dream:  Map of Hawaii.

July 30 dream:  Asian running in sweatpants.  I touch his crouch.

July 30 dream:  Sister got black eye at school.  I held her in my arms.  Then new gay/cute guy throws footballs around.  I almost catch one.  Then he throws it right into my arms.

July 29, 2018:  Anonymous calls on cell and landline just as I’m waking up/trying to remember my last dream, which I forgot.  Baristo at F.L.  I think he noticed me when I was flirting w/his co-worker.  (*Relates to distant hawk from June 27?)  TR group in p.m. Concl:  Value is one, indivisible/individual all-knowing, all-seeing, all-appearing, the only control in the Universe.

July 29, 2018 dream:  Found unused apartment at bottom of Laurie’s mansion, where I might live.

July 29, 2018 dream:  Working for the government, my boss thinks my mother was a prostitute 81 years ago.

July 29, 2018 dream:  Hanz there.  Others.  We’re cleaning up area.  I’d much rather write a story, I think.  Meet tall pretty lady dressed in costume for show.

July 29, 2018 dream:  Shaving (lots of) hair from across my nose.

July 29, 2018 dream:  Bob Stoll.  I thought he was dead.

July 28, 2018:  Self Encounter #6 at 10:30am w/Richard B.  J. calls at 11:30ish.  Jerk off. Cute Asian guy at Peets W.P.  Walking to Mt.D., thinkIng of “Juanita” dream of July 10, look down and see sign saying “Juanita Way”.  A synchronistic moment, as Carl Jung would say.  Guy taking girl’s picture on Mt.D.  Steven in the wine aisle at Safeway. Nice older bag boy.  He smiled at me after I asked about Myka.  Two old men on #43 home.  I joke w/them and empathize w/them about having to hold on.

July 28 dream:  After a wild party at chateau.  Still waiting for someone to pick us up.  I wrote a poem about it.  Someone coming between 7am and 7pm.

July 28 dream:  Driving Nannie around industrial part of SF in my old ’57 Benz. Brakes don’t work well. I’m thinking of just giving it up. We arrive at some fancy fashion place. Male mannequin with hairy legs turns me on.

July 27, 2018:  Call Heather in a.m.  Something off-putting there.  In ’til 1:30ish.  Go to Rincon.  Take F to Castro.  Wait for #35 at Castro & 19^th.  Distant hawk.  Give $1 to homeless man.  Rich, white kids on #35 trying to be black.  I tell them “’Bye” when they leave.  Matt at C.B.  Woman takes seat I had reserved w/my bag.  She acts surprised when I say to her, “You took my seat.”  Read “Move on,” so I do.  Apparently homeless black guy in drag on #23 takes up three seats and says to people standing in front of him, “Please don’t stand in front of me.”  See Jesse at Railroad Expresso briefly before #43 home.  Will restart TR group on Sunday nights.  Bright spot in a foggy day.

July 27 dream:  Posting photos online (h.o.).

July 27 dream:  “Phantom Actors” – movie featuring the masks of Lincoln, Henry Fonda, and others looking in on what we’re doing today.

July 27 dream:  Two male combatants.  Underwater, instead of continuing fighting, they kiss.  In the dream, I’m sitting at my laptop watching this video and think:  “I really want to share this!”

July 26, 2018:  Deniro at Walgreens. Special lunch at Revolution Cafe. Waitress touched by my compliment. French family there. Last day at 12:30 class. Walk to G.P.  Barista there.  Also “The Name of the Wind” guy from hier.  (*Relates to distant hawk from July 24?) Anonymous calls at 3ish and 4:31 pm.  RHS Cenk for always propping up his co-host Ana, like my Dad always did with my step-mother Harriet.

July 26 dream:  Hard-on dream.

July 26 dream:  Met Eagen, next door neighbor.

July 26 dream:  I don’t have correct change and bus is too crowded. Guy asks me if I can sing. I say, “You know, you’re the 2^nd or 3^rd person who has asked me that in the last few days.”

July 25, 2018:  12:30 class. Guy sitting in my seat when I arrive. Words are exchanged. He calls me, “Sir!” I fire back at him: “Sir!” Turns out he was our guest instructor. In his defense, he’s got great biceps. He reviewed some portfolios. Not mine. Walk to G.P.  Seth, my blond Asian baristo at C.B. Also, cute well-built guy reading “The Name of the Wind.” See Matt at Philz on way home. Calls from J. At 11:49 am and 5;30pm.

July 25 dream:  Finding (or looking for) a new place (resto or house) to hang out.

July 25 dream:  Robber dressed head to toe in black. I caress his fingers, his hands, his body, his butt.

July 25 dream:  Can’t get it up for Marilyn D. A group of us goes out to eat somewhere.

July 25 dream:  New college roommate, a girl, and her cat.

July 24, 2018:  Chinese-speaking woman recorded call at 9:30ish. 12:30 class. I’m all LinkedIn. Walk to G.P. Call from J. on way. Matt at C.B. Walter there too. Meet Jose, violin student from Chicago, waiting for #23. Distant hawk.  We take #23 together ’til I get off at Ridgewood. (*Relates to young hawk in G.P. from July 22? Also my “date” from 2^nd dream of July 23?)  I feel bad about it later.  See Robert from BEMA/CCSF at W.F. Message from J. at 1:20pm.

July 24 dream:  Page full of nursing videos, except one.

July 24 dream:  Cleaning Nannie’s stairs. She sees me and smiles. Carpet sweeper slips out of my hand and falls. I think I broke it. Nannie gets mad at box of trash on pathway. I thought she wanted it there.

July 24 dream:  I invite woman to sit down and play a game of cards at bus station.

July 23, 2018:  12:30 class ’til 3ish. Walking to #18 bus, pass by KTVU cameraman interviewing someone. Same cameraman that interviewed me back in ’93 or so. Peets Cole Valley lady called me “Mikey.” Yoga. Blank message from J. at 1:42 pm.  S.E. workshop in p.m.

July 23 dream:  Thane reading poem from one of his students. I’m trying to remember other poem. I tell him he looks great. Earlier he said he felt sleepy. I say, “You look great, rested and tan.”

July 23 dream:  Walking thru Castro, friend goes into store. Comes out. Says, “I’ve got a date tonight. So do you.” I try to catch up w/him. Big man lying on his back in big pool of water. I pull him out. He gets up and starts throwing things at me. I say, “I just saved you.”

July 22, 2018: Walk to W.P.  Peets.  Buy CPD.  See Eda at pot dispensary.  Walk to G.P.  Hear hawk(s) screaming.  Then young hawk circles me near end of park.  Matt at C.B.  #36 then walk home.  See “Almost There” in G.P.  “Take the Next Step” at CCSF.  J. calls 7:30ish. (*Relates to two hawks from hier?)  TR body pain.  Concl:  Truth is victimless, sane, sound, perfect psyche, all-ingested, all-digested, all-embodied, always-related.  Juanita on Mad Men is a “party girl.”  (*Relates to July 10 dream of Mayor-elect Breed telling me to  “Call me Juanita”?  J., the mayor of my psyche, is a “party girl”?  Probably.)

July 22 dream:  Roomful of older sexy women want to know what I do that needs to be done.

July 22 dream:  European 30.

July 22 dream:  “There’s nothing wrong with that guy.”

June 21, 2018:  S.E. #6 in a.m. (5 people there). See Eda at Ocean Avenue pot dispensary. Then fight between homeless bully and other homeless guy in front of CVS on Ocean (*Relates to J. reading this diary?) Peets in W.P. Phone says it’s out of storage. Finally resolve in p.m. Walk to Mt.D. Hawk on telephone pole. Screaming hawk on tree finally flies over to join hawk on pole. Mean looking pit bull on way down. Myka at Safeway. He keeps calling me “Sir.” I really feel bad about not buying CPD from Eda. Inappropriate emotion? Yes. Genuine emotion: Feeling I have to do everything I can to be nice to people ’cause I’m a bad person. I’m a liar. I came from God and I can’t tell anybody. So I have to pretend to be somebody I’m not.

July 21 dream: _____ claims one of my teachers did something bad. We’re making a project w/colored paper.

July 21 dream: Me throwing like a girl.

July 21 dream: Visit the workplace. Fennie there. Others. Trying to find supportable paper plate and something decent to eat. More tests and homework coming up.

July 21 dream: Big activity, music, construction in the East Bay and Berkeley. I help clean up and restock the shelves. UC as big football power.

July 20, 2018:  Asian guy on #29 whose hand I “accidentally” touched on his way out. Gay black couple on #29. Asian welcome guy at VA who I talked to. Later saw him on my way out. 12:30 class ’til 3:30. Wild #14 ride down Mission. After prospective fighter leaves, I notice the guy sitting one seat way from me was Dan Banks. Rincon. BART to Balboa. See Billy Joe and two friends (one very attractive) outside Philz. Cody at W.F. Hanz call. TR of pain and pleasure. Concl: Pleasure is all there is.

July 20 dream:  Return after a weekend w/o J. He gets in his bed. I return vaseline to my drawer. Many others guys there. Kind of wait for a few seconds outside door of store where lots of cute guys are hanging out. Don’t see him.

July 20 dream:  There’s an answer.

July 20 dream:  Listening to music w/group of young people.

July 19, 2018:  Class at 12;30. Two calls when my phone was off. Walk to C.B. Owners there. #36, 23, 43 home. Thought T.J. screwed up my shoe reimbursement from Fleet Feet, but then realized he hadn’t. Me wanting to take my clothes off. Jealous of others who could.

July 19 dream: Conversation w/Dan Banks & Chris Hinrichs. At end of conversation, Chris asks us to make donation to his church. Chris contributes. I don’t. Dan older woman chases after me.

July 19 dream: At new job fire drill. I rush to find elevator. Other woman w/me. Though some women stay on top and continue meeting. Finally see stairs out to street.

July 18, 2018:  12:30 class. Run into Vi at 23^rd & Mission. Met Deniro at Walgreens on way to class. Walk to C.B. after. Barista there, checking out my butt. I didn’t like it. Also two very nasty bilingual guys who kept staring thru me as they elevated themselves. Left cafe, got bus right away. Woman w/big breasts says (w/o looking at me): “Can I please get by?” It didn’t feel like she was talking to me. Then woman w/baby pushed me on her way out. I said, “I’m getting off here, if you don’t mind.” Got a return call from 323 area code re pot dispensary. Could relate to hawk from hier. Mean dog at Diamond and Duncan portended C.B. men? Heart palpitating at 2am relates to J. discovering my online diary?

July 18 dream:  Working w/police dept. on IT stuff. Tom O. wants me to help him with LAPD stuff.

July 18 dream:  Band denied permission to play at event. We’re out on the street/sidewalk getting ready to play outdoors.